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Tell me a joke. | Last Christmas I bought my mother-in-law a Jack Daniels t-shirt having previously told me she enjoyed encounters with spirits. She looked angry and said "I'm a medium" Bullshit!! XXL fit her perfect! |
Share a funny joke. | A woman screams as she gives birth... "What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks. "What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!" "Sorry babe. *What is* wrong?" |
Tell me a joke. | Patrick and Bruce Patrick Bateman and Bruce Wayne are having a business lunch together. Suddenly, Bruce senses something is wrong, and looks at his watch. "Sorry to be so rude, but I've got to Bale". |
Do you know any jokes? | What do you call someone infected with herpes... Who refuses to date someone else infected with herpes... A Herpocrit! A very awesome friend said he came up with this just randomly, do I believe him? |
Any good jokes? | Dad rocks,son shocked! Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential." |
Give me a joke. | Did you hear about the vegan cannibal? He only ate quadraplegics. Credit to: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2noeoo/what_bullshit_fact_can_you_come_up_with_that/cmfd0bj for the inspiration |
Share a funny joke. | Four facts about women that prove they can do miracles. 1. They can get wet without taking a shower. 2. Bleed without being hurt. 3. Producing milk without eating grass. 4. Making boneless meat hard. |
What's a funny joke you know? | A human cannonball for the circus retired after 35 years of service. When asked if the man would be replaced, the owner of the circus said, "No, only because it's hard to find a man of that caliber." |
What's a funny joke you know? | A redneck calles up the White House and tells the receptionist: "I'd like to become the next President of the United States." The receptionist: "What are you an idiot?" Redneck: "Why is it required?" |
Do you know any jokes? | Insanity? Psychiatric patient attends his appointment with no clothes on, the guy is wrapped in clear plastic. As he enters the psychiatrists office the psychiatrist comments,, " I can see your nuts" |
Share a funny joke. | A boy and his pal A pedophile and a little boy are walking through the woods at night. The boy says, "Mister, I'm scared." The pedophile says, "You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk home alone." |
Make me laugh with a joke. | Christmas gift Mom walks to her son "Johnny, what would you like for Christmas - a brother or a sister?" she asks "Well, I'd like a sled, but I don't know if your vagina can handle that." he replies. |
Can you share a joke? | Would you rather have a threesome or dinner with your parents? Personally, I choose dinner with parents. I mean if I'm gonna disappoint two people at once, I at least want it to be two people I know. |
Tell me a joke. | A woman brings her items to the resister A woman brings five chocolate bars, a tub of ice cream, and some pregnancy tests to the counter Cashier: "Ma'am, I don't think you need those pregnancy tests" |
Make me laugh with a joke. | An infinite number of mathematicians walks into a bar... The first order 1 beer, the second 2 beers, the third 3, and so on... The bartender doesn't pour anything and say "Yall own me 1/12 of a beer" |
What's a funny joke you know? | I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas... FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy. Edit: For those worried about the kid, it's ok. He was an adopted ginger, so no big deal. |
Give me a joke. | Two nuns are sitting on a park bench... Two nuns are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them. The first nun has a stroke. The second nun tried but she couldn't reach. |
Any good jokes? | Two duck hunters You know about the two duck hunters who were found dead in Texas? The lawyer for the defence says the accused acted in self defence and that the community says duck lives matter too. |
Do you know any jokes? | A Recent Study Found That... ...Christian women tend to become atheists after marriage. I don't find that surprising. After marriage, a woman does lose faith in a man's ability to come a second time. |
Got any jokes? | There are some horrible bastards about I heard a cat crying outside my door and I saw 4 blokes in Chelsea shirts playing football with it I was just about to phone the RSPCA when the cat went 1- 0 up |
Tell me a joke. | A man walks into a chemist and asks for some Viagra at the counter... The chemist says to the man, "Do you have a prescription for that?" "No." The man replies, "But will a photo of my wife suffice?" |
Share a funny joke. | A horse walks into a bar... ...He asks the bartender for a double whiskey. "Why the long face?" asks the bartender. The horse ponders his whiskey for a moment before he replies, "My wife has cancer." |
Give me a joke. | What do you call a scientific measuring instrument with degrees? A graduated cylinder. -------------------------------------------------------------------- This is the only joke I've ever thought of. |
Give me a joke. | I've been wondering for a while now... If a man who likes Asians has Yellow Fever, and a man who likes Africans has Jungle Fever; does that mean because I like Native Americans, that I have Smallpox? |
What's a funny joke you know? | Why do sharks circle their prey? "dad, why do the sharks swim in circles like that before they eat someone?" "it makes them taste better, son." "taste better? How? " "it scares the shit out of them." |
Do you know any jokes? | A man with a sheep A man goes home with a sheep under his arm and says "this is the pig I've been fucking." His wife says " that's not a pig, that's a sheep." The man says "I wasn't talking to you." |
Tell me a joke. | Amish Hooker What's an Amish Hooker do? Ten Mennonite! (Mennonite link on the front page made me think of this one.) edit: I accidentally a ")", but I'm getting a kick out of the weird comments. :-) |
Got any jokes? | An Asian goes to the optometrist... The optometrist says, after a moment or two: "I see what the problem is...you have a cataract." The Asian immediately replies: "no no, it's a Rincon Continental." |
Can you share a joke? | Morning after The morning after pill...did you know it's called the "anti-baby pill" in Germany? And in Sweden it's called the "regret pill". However in Chicago it's called the "crime fighter" pill. |
Tell me a joke. | A knock knock joke Knock knock Who's there? Orange Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't keep making you knock only to have me keep saying banana over and over again in preparation for the punchline? |
Can you share a joke? | Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes but no lighters or matches or anything to light them with. What do they do? Throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter |
Any good jokes? | Kill the man Cop: "Did you kill this man?" Me: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed." |
Share a funny joke. | Two old drunks I was sitting in a bar with my friend and I noticed two old drunks across the bar from us. I laughed and said, "That's us in ten years." My friend replied, "That's a mirror, dipshit." |
Any good jokes? | If I owned my own strip club, I'd probably name it 'The Museum' 'Cause, you know, no touching. If 'The Museum' worked out, I might open another one and call it "Blue Balls." Pretty self explanatory. |
Give me a joke. | Do you know the story of Flap Flap The Giraffe? Flap Flap The Giraffe was walking around the savannah, when a helicopter came in to land. The giraffe looked up, and then :::flap flap::: the giraffe! |
What's a funny joke you know? | German scientists have discovered a new drug, derived from the bacteria *Adolfus hitlerii*, which will be applied to people with ADD. Its ad campaign will carry the slogan "It helps Jew concentrate" |
Make me laugh with a joke. | I am tired of the joke where the 3rd person to be granted a wish uses it to somehow cancel out the wishes of his 2 friends who just wished in front of him. What variation on a joke are you tired of? |
Give me a joke. | My sister Crystal I asked my mother earlier today why my sister was named Crystal. Mother: That's because I love crystals so much. Me: What about my name then? Mother: No more questions today, Dick. |
I want to hear a joke. | A father walks up to his son... and says to him, "Do we have any more dopted?" The son says, "What's a dopted?" "You are!" "Dad, that's not funny." "I'm not your dad!" (Credit to my bartender Casey) |
Can you share a joke? | My girlfriend dreamt that I slept with her friend... So I tried to reassure her. I said, "Baby. Please. That's crazy - I have never slept with your friend. Trust me, you've never even met the girl". |
Can you share a joke? | A mushroom... A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender walks over and says "Hey, we don't serve your kind here!" To which the mushroom replies "Why not, I'm a fungi!" |
Any good jokes? | You know how sometimes... You know how sometimes even when you're not hungry you'll get tempted to eat something just because it's in front of you? Well, that's how I lost my job as a gynecologist. |
Do you know any jokes? | Girlfriend and I placed a bet to see who was better at Super Smash Bros for the N64 I beat her so badly! I do wish we had a chance to actually play a race before I had to take her to the hospital... |
Give me a joke. | One day the youngest son asks his mother, "Mom, why do I look so different from all my siblings?".... The mother says "Son, from what I remember about that party, you are lucky that you don't bark". |
I want to hear a joke. | BIRDMAN Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'" Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken." Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?" Mother: "We need the eggs." |
Make me laugh with a joke. | Who were the shortest people in the Bible? Let's see. There'sKneehighmiah, Bildad the Shoe-Height...oh, and Peter, who said, "Silver andgold I have none," and no one could be much shorter than that. |
I want to hear a joke. | My girlfriend told me that she's sick of me pretending I'm a cat Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a cat. I packed your bags. I want you to go." Me: "Wait, are you kicking MEEEOOWWT???" |
Tell me a joke. | Poor Kids One Day, Charles told his father he was going to the Wishing Well. So he flips a penny into a well, makes a wish, and walks home. "What did you wish for?", Asks the Father. "Another Penny" |
I want to hear a joke. | Coming Out Girl: Dad Dad: yeah? Girl; I have Bad News Dad: What Is It Sweetie?? Girl: I'm A Lesbian... Dad: Ok... Other Sister: I'm Lesbian Too Dad: Does Anyone In This Family Like Boys!!! Son; I Do |
Tell me a joke. | A grasshopper walks into a bar And the bartender says "I have a shot named after you" The grasshopper replies "you have a shot named Steve?!" My bartender friend told me this, thought I should share |
Make me laugh with a joke. | Chemistry joke thread? I'll start: I was at -273.15C one time. It was OK. What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium I'm sorry guys there really are no good chemistry jokes: all the good ones argon. |
I want to hear a joke. | Niagara Falls A guide was showing Niagara-Falls to a man from Texas and said; I'll bet you don't have anything like this in Texas. The Texan said; nope, but in Texas we have plumbers who can fix it. |
Tell me a joke. | What's the difference between a dilapidated bus stop and a lobster with a breast implant? One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean. Heard very recently and just had to share. |
I want to hear a joke. | Jack and Jill... .....went up the hill so he could lick her candy, but jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock, cause Jill now identifies as a male and had gotten sex change surgery a week before. |
Share a funny joke. | Walnut: I look exactly like a brain. Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree. Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella. Walnut: I look exactly like a brain. Banana: Man, can we change the topic please? |
Can you share a joke? | Two friends are having a game night One friend is a serial killer and the other is a generic man. The man says he sucks at the game. The serial killer says 'that's why it's called the game of Life.' |
I want to hear a joke. | My dad was walking around the house screaming yesterday.... He kept shouting, "A, E, I, O, U". "What's wrong?", I asked him. To which he responded, "Nothing, I just have irritable vowel syndrome..." |
Can you share a joke? | A nerdy science joke I was gonna make a joke about sodium, but NA, seeing most of the science jokes Argon, but my friend wanted me to say a joke about sodium, bromine and oxygen but I was like NaBrO |
What's a funny joke you know? | Teacher Said The Student..?? Teacher said the students to convert the sentence "I killed a person" into future tense. Suddenly Johnny stands up and said, Sir the future tense is "u will go to jail"! |
Make me laugh with a joke. | A person is drowning and yelling "HELP I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SWIM" A bystander tells him to shut up because he doesn't know how to swim either but he's not freaking out about it like the guy drowning. |
Give me a joke. | A beautiful woman approaches a man in a bar... A beautiful woman approaches a man in a bar and says, "hey, big boy. You single?" He says, "yeah! How'd you know?" "You're fucking ugly, for starters." |
Do you know any jokes? | What's the difference between a piano, a tuna and a jar of glue? You: You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna! Person getting told joke: What about the glue? You: I knew you'd get stuck there! |
Any good jokes? | So a pirate walks into a bar... A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender asks him why he has the wheel on him, and the pirate replies "YARR! IT'S DRIVIN' ME NUTS!" |
Any good jokes? | THAT'S NOT FUNNY, THAT'S SICK! A clown and a little boy are walking through the woods. The boy says "it sure is dark and scary here". The clown says "how do you think I feel? I'm coming back alone". |
I want to hear a joke. | Sad news from the Nestle chocolate factory. A man was crushed to death under hundreds of boxes of chocolate. Apparently every time he shouted: "The Milky Bars are on me!" his workmates just cheered. |
I want to hear a joke. | Two guys were watching a marathon on tv. One says to the other, "why are they running?" "to win the prize." "who will win the prize?" "the one who finishes first." "then why are the others running?" |
What's a funny joke you know? | I text this girl who was renting a room in my house "I want to lick you out" If she likes the text then I go with it, if not I blame predictive text and it was meant to say "I want to kick you out". |
Tell me a joke. | My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a lockpicker. Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a lockpicker. We should break it off." Me: "But then it might get stuck inside the lock!" |
Tell me a joke. | Two cows are standing in a field ...and one says to the other, "Say, are you worried about this mad cow disease going around?" And the other one says, "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter! PFFFFFT!" |
Share a funny joke. | A Jewish kid walks up to his grandfather.... A jewish kid walks up to his grandfather and says "Hey poppa, can I have 50 dollars?" And the grandfather responds "40 dollars? I don't have 30 dollars." |
Got any jokes? | There was a French chef... ...And one day he was extremely angry and said he is going to quit. Another man asked him "why?" Then the chef said "All the food is out of date and I've just had un oeuf" |
What's a funny joke you know? | It all makes sense now!! Gay marriage and Pot legalized on the same day... Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned." We've just been misinterpreting it all these years!! |
I want to hear a joke. | Dams. The only thing that holds back liquid better... Is the idea of using a port-a-potty. "Look, I know my pants are brownening and getting wet, but I'll just wait forever -- I CANNOT go in there." |
Make me laugh with a joke. | Man cheats clearly A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone." |
Do you know any jokes? | What is your favorite one or two line joke? (X-Post from AskReddit) http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/32df3n/what_is_your_favorite_one_to_two_line_joke/ There were some funny jokes in there |
What's a funny joke you know? | Easy way to earn karma points on /r/jokes? Options are: 1) Crack a witty comment 2) Link to /r/dadjokes 3) Submit a damn joke and the answer is.....drumroll...... just reply with a "whoosh", simple! |
Any good jokes? | My wife texted me at lunch "Window's frozen" "Pour warm water on it, then lightly tap the edges with a hammer and chisel" I replied. Ten minutes later, she called back. "We need a new computer now". |
Any good jokes? | so a man answers a phone call... man - "I don't know, I live about ten miles from the ocean" wife - "who was that? what did they want?" man - "some asshole who wanted to know if the coast was clear" |
Tell me a joke. | I received a rolex for Christmas from the lesbian couple who live next door. Now, while I am happy with the gift, I guess they didn`t quite understand what I meant when I told them, "I wanna watch". |
What's a funny joke you know? | Fairly Fairness A butch, a bitch and a snitch all come together at the "Pretty Rainbow People Bar." The Butch complains, "ugh all those itches" :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D FUKKEN LOLZ Downvote for cash! |
Give me a joke. | Our Office Needs A 3D Printer Our boss asked the new mail-room guy to make three copies of an office key. The guy returned ten minutes later with the copies ... which he'd made on the Xerox machine. |
Tell me a joke. | Out on a blind date. I told her, being funny is the 2nd best way to get a girl into bed. She said "What's the best way?" I said "A big knife" She laughed and said "You're funny" I said "wise choice" |
Do you know any jokes? | British Intelligence is warning that terrorist groups could fit women terrorists with exploding breast implants. They knew it was only a matter of time before Al Queda started setting booby traps... |
Got any jokes? | I was talking to my buddy about 50 Shades Of Grey He said "yeah, my wife and I have been doing S&M for years." "Really!", I said, "I had no idea!" "Sure," he said, "she sleeps and I masturbate!" |
Share a funny joke. | "They said 'You'll never amount to anything, you aren't handsome enough to be a star, you're too short, you can't sing, you're not funny enough'" "So anyway here's your medium Latte that'll be 3.79" |
Give me a joke. | Boyfriend VS motorbike ufffff. "Full LOL joke" Q: What is the difference between motorbike and boyfriend? A: Well, bike is first kicked than used and boyfriend is first used than kicked ZZZZ ... :) |
Make me laugh with a joke. | Onion is not the only thing that makes you cry! My friend thinks he is smart. He told me that an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face and he began to cry. haha |
Make me laugh with a joke. | What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jewish person? The Boy Scout comes home from camp. ^First ^time ^posting ^on ^this ^sub ^don't ^know ^what's ^too ^offensive ^and ^what's ^not ^sorry. |
Share a funny joke. | S/O to side walks, my legs, elevators, my arm, and my eyes For keeping me off the streets, helping me to stand up for my self, picking me up when I'm down, giving me a hand and showing me the light. |
Share a funny joke. | A mugger jumps out in front of a university student... ...and shouts "your money or your life!" The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either". |
Any good jokes? | A guy is out to dinner with his wife... Wife: See that drunk guy at the bar? Guy: Yeah, what about him? Wife: He proposed to me 10 years ago, but I turned him down. Guy: Wow! He's STILL celebrating! |
Do you know any jokes? | What does Bill Cosby do when he can't sleep at night? He finishes her drink EDIT: Apparently this is Conan's joke, so all credit goes to him. I just heard it from a friend of mine and I had no idea. |
Do you know any jokes? | Don't hear many Limerick jokes any more. So I wrote one. There was a man named Johnathan Hicks, who liked to write limericks. But his Poems were crude, and many lewd, so his balls were often kicked. |
Any good jokes? | If I ever have a son... I'm going to name him Bashun. And whenever our butler is unable to find him in the house he'll call out at the top of his voice, "Master Bashun! Master Bashun where are you?" |
Any good jokes? | I'm a cop and I got caught choking the chicken in public I was revoked of my badge and sentenced to three years jail time. The chicken filed a civil rights suit and received 3 million in reparations |
Got any jokes? | In the Empire... In the Galactic Empire, there were two holonet channels. The first channel was Imperial propaganda, and the second was an Intelligence officer telling you to turn back to channel 1. |
Do you know any jokes? | A Galaxy Phone, an iPhone and a windows phone fall out a top story window. The galaxy phone bounces with minor cracks. The iPhone smashes into dozens of pieces. The windows phone freezes mid decent. |
Any good jokes? | Two altar boys are hoping to work in a church. They are walking down the aisle in the church when the priest sees them. He walks up to them and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before." |
Any good jokes? | An ironic joke walks into a bar, orders a beer, and sits down Bartender says hey! We're straight talkers here... no irony allowed. Ironic joke says well that's fine then, because I just want a beer. |
Got any jokes? | My wife told me I'm an emotional, emotional, insecure coward. Now I feel depressed. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid she'll leave me any time. **** Dammit, I spoiled it with the double emotional. |
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