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Got any jokes?
Funny Conversation that actually happened to me Me: Hey Dray is that a new watch? Dray: Yeah man Me: Smooth, what kind of watch is it? Dray: Guess Me: Just tell me, I don't know my watches very well.
Got any jokes?
A man who has no right arm and no right leg falls off his wheelchair Thankfully, a woman passing by noticed him and approached him, offering some help. "Are you alright?" "No, I'm not. I'm all left."
Make me laugh with a joke.
I'm a really big supporter of gay marriage... Mostly because I believe one day there will be a law that will allow you to shoot gay guys. And when that day comes, it will be much easier to find them.
Do you know any jokes?
Women complain about men using them only for sex as if sex is a bad thing. Sex is awesome. Start complaining when he starts using you for cooking, laundry and baby sitting while he is out having fun.
Do you know any jokes?
So it's my birthday and my parent sang me happy birthday. Mom: "Happy birthday to you!" Dad: "Happy birthday to you!" Mom: "Happy birthday to you!" Dad: "You were born because your mom sniffed glue."
Can you share a joke?
Cheating in a joke. A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
Tell me a joke.
Guy walks into a bar... So this Jewish guy walks into a bar in New York with a parrot on his shoulder. The Bartender goes where'd you get that? And the parrot says, "in Brooklyn, they're everywhere."
Do you know any jokes?
Dad joke I just had with my girlfriend GF: *sigh GF: *sigh GF: *sigh Me: That's like 3 sighs in 30 seconds. GF: And they all probably meant different things. Me: I guess I need to know sigh language.
What's a funny joke you know?
A man went to the movie.. A man went to the movie theater's ticket window a second time and said, "One more." "For The Hobbit?" the ticket vendor asked. "No," the man replied, "That's my girlfriend."
Give me a joke.
I used to not get on with my mother-in-law but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her. It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!
Can you share a joke?
I was thinking about where Luke Skywalker goes to buy his change of clothes while talking to my girlfriend. Me: I wonder where Luke Skywalker buys his clothes. Her: The Darth Maul. ;) I love my life.
Give me a joke.
Blonde's Appendicitis A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis." The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."
Got any jokes?
Are you a romantic man? Yes. When my wife comes home late, I turn on the candles, let the place fill up with nice and warm water and throw in some soap. So she can immediately start doing the dishes.
Tell me a joke.
A woman stumbles into the police headquarters....... And says "Help me! I was raped by an Irishman!" The police are quick to ask "How do you know it was an Irishman?" "because I had to help him....."
Got any jokes?
bucket: a dirty limerick A horny young Scout, with a bucket, Caught a goose and proceeded to fuck it Far too roughly (it died), Took it home, had it fried, Cause he thought it'd wasteful to chuck it.
Tell me a joke.
If your wife is shouting Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first? A: The dog -- at least he'll quiet down after you let him in.
Any good jokes?
[nsfw] the ultimate trifecta of dirty joke so, i was going down on my grandma, and i started to taste donkey semen, i looked up at my dear sweet grandma and said, " jeez, grandma thats how you died?"
Make me laugh with a joke.
A mexican boy in english class... A mexican boy in english class passed a note to his friend. The teacher saw it, and screeched "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" To which he replied, "writing an ese"
Make me laugh with a joke.
Lucy fell in front of the train she screamed out for help "HELP ME! I DONT WANT TO DIE THIS WAY!!", so Luke came running over and cut her throat instead. Nice work Luke. You should be more like Luke.
Do you know any jokes?
What's red and hangs from the ceiling? A red ceiling hanger! What's blue and hangs from the ceiling? [you reading this] I don't fucking know, a blue ceiling hanger? No asshole, they only come in RED!
Give me a joke.
Happy and Sad An old man says to his wife, "Honey, there is no possible way to feel both happiness and sadness at the same time." The wife says, "Out of all your brothers, you have the biggest dick."
Any good jokes?
It's quiet...too quiet... Did you hear about the woman who couldn't find a singing partner? She had to buy a duet yourself kit... *-drops mic-* *-mike jumps up and promptly kicks hatter in the shin-*
Any good jokes?
Why was the ink happy? Because it had its in-de-pen-dance. I'm posting lots of really bad jokes tonight that just appear in my head, if just one person enjoys just one joke is worth it, good evening.
Any good jokes?
Born again Christian I've never understood the term "born again Christian." Is that someone who goes to their mother and says, "Mom, I'm going back in, and I'm not coming out until I've found Jesus."
Do you know any jokes?
A blonde and a brunette are on opposite sides of a river... The brunette yells across, "Help me get to the other side of the river!" The blonde yells back, "You *are* on the other side of the river!"
Share a funny joke.
A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here. The kangaroo says, At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand.
Share a funny joke.
I remember the first time I had sex, I put the condom on the wrong way round. The girl looked and me and said, "You're so stupid" I said, "What?" "You're supposed to do that before sex." she replied.
Any good jokes?
I saw a black guy carrying a TV down the street the other day so I had to run back home and check that mine was still there. It's OK though, mine was still there, just sitting there shining my shoes.
What's a funny joke you know?
My mailbox is overflowing, my spam folder and junk folder rival each other in size, and I keep procrastinating on dealing with it... But one day I'm gonna go clean all that up, you just wait and DNC.
What's a funny joke you know?
I told a newcomer in prison that the other inmates were heavily interested in astronomy. When asked what I meant, I said, "They are particularly interested in Uranus, so you don't want to moon them."
Can you share a joke?
Who is the best Podracer in Star Wars? Michael Chewbacca EDIT: Some people don't get the joke..... Michael schumacher is a F1 race car driving legend. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Schumacher
Got any jokes?
There once was ... There once was a fellow named Wes, who tried to make his comments the best, although sometimes he missed, he never expected to get dissed, but some redditors downvoted nonetheless.
Share a funny joke.
Why did u eat it??? A lady was pregnant. Her son asked her "Mom, What's in u'r tummy?" Mom answered "Its a sweet, lovely baby." Son says, "If the baby is so sweet and lovely then WHY DID U EAT IT???"
Do you know any jokes?
Nurse: "Oh jeez, was that you that fell 20 ft out of the tree?" I don't know, I wasn't counting. Not much of a joke but it was hilarious when my grandpa said it at the hospital (happened to him ofc).
Give me a joke.
The agony of dyslexia I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend last night. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him: "You idiot!" "You're supposed to turn your clock back!
Give me a joke.
I don't think Muslims go far enough.... I don't think Muslims go far enough in killing people who draw images of the prophet Mohammed. I think they should kill people who are named after him as well.
Make me laugh with a joke.
Did you hear the director planned to film two sequels simultaneously for the Michael J Fox 1980's time travel comedy? He planned to make back-to-back back to the 'Back to the Future' future features!
Make me laugh with a joke.
A soldier keeps a mug upside down and tells the sergeant: - I can't drink from this mug. It has no opening. The sergeant examines the mug and says: - You are right. And besides this it has no bottom.
Do you know any jokes?
My mom told me that I objectify women. When she asked me why I broke up with my last girlfriend I said "it didn't work out." She said "be more specific." I said "I just told you she didn't exercise."
Give me a joke.
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for Christmas... My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for Christmas. They got me a Rolex. They clearly misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."
Any good jokes?
I've just been reading about this toddler in China who fell eight stories out of a window. Apparently he was caught by a woman walking by. The kid was fine, and he was back in work the following day.
Make me laugh with a joke.
A pirate walls into a bar And he has a ships wheel attached to his belt buckle. The bartender says "what's with the ships wheel on your belt buckle?" The pirate responds "Aaarr! It's drivin me nuts!"
Give me a joke.
My favourite joke at the moment... How do you get an elephant in to a plastic bag? First you take the 'T' out of 'Tesco', what do you get? Esco. Then you take the 'F' out of 'Weigh', what do you get?
Got any jokes?
50 condoms A guy at the convenience store asked the cashier for 50 condoms. Two girls in line behind him started snickering, so he turned around, looked them dead in the eyes, and said, "Make it 52!"
What's a funny joke you know?
Google introduced a new smartphone alarm that can wake users up on the subway so they don't miss their stop. As opposed to the alarm they use now: getting elbowed by the stranger they're drooling on.
Make me laugh with a joke.
A little boy and his father are walking in a cemetery ...and come across a gravestone that reads "here lies a lawyer and a good man" The boy asks his father "Dad, why did they bury 2 men in 1 grave?"
Got any jokes?
2 P R D R D R 2 R D R 2 1 P R D R 2 1 P D R D R D P 2 R D D R D R 2 1 P R D R 2 1 P D R D R 2 1 P D R D R D P 2 R D R D R 2 1 P R D R 2 1 P D R P R D R 2 1 P D R D R D P 2 A girl trying to park a car
Give me a joke.
An old couple were in church the other morning and the old lady said to the old man "I've just broken wind silently, what will I do?" He said, "First thing is get new batteries for your hearing aid".
What's a funny joke you know?
Two atoms in a pub Two atoms meet in the pub. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The second atom with a strong British accent asks, 'Are you sure?' The first one replies, ' yes I'm positive.'
I want to hear a joke.
The Republicans asked the Democrats what it would take to stop being considered stupid. The democrats said "Just put forth one presidential candidate who can make a brain surgeon look like an idiot."
Any good jokes?
So two chocolate rabbits were talking to each other... ... One of them had a bite out of his butt and the other with a bite on his ears. So one rabbit says, "My butt hurts" and the other says "What?"
Make me laugh with a joke.
Jokes About Canada I've been trying to think of jokes about Canada. I could rib on universal health care, maple syrup, or "sorry". But no matter what I think of, it always ends up feeling sort of eh.
Do you know any jokes?
A man asks a woman: "-Did you know that laughter is second best way to convince a girl to have sex with you ? " "-Really, what is the first ?" "-A knife." "-Hahaha, you're so funny !" "-Good choice."
What's a funny joke you know?
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife left him 4 months ago ^^^^just ^^^^searched ^^^^and ^^^^realized ^^^^this ^^^^is ^^^^heavily ^^^^overused ^^^^and ^^^^reposted ^^^^I'm ^^^^sorry
Share a funny joke.
A man shot himself in the head at an NRA sponsored NASCAR event... while the GOP shot themselves in the foot on the NRA sponsored gun bill. (Jokes for the week of 4/13-4/19 @fridayupdate on twitter.)
Give me a joke.
Two prostitutes are talking about their clients... One of them says "So yesterday I had this client who had a dick like my leg!", the other replies "Impossible - no man has a dick that's that dirty".
Tell me a joke.
An elephant and a camel are talking The elephant asks, "Why do you have boobs on your back?" The camel replies, "Ha! That's a funny question coming from an animal with a penis hanging from his face."
Do you know any jokes?
I was leaving the golf course yesterday... when I ran into a guy whose face was all scratched up. I was like "holy shit man your face is all bloody, are you ok?" "Yeah, but I just blew an eagle on 18
Got any jokes?
My 13 year old told me this joke.... Him: I want to start a dating website for Indians.... Me: a dating website for indians? [scratching my head wtf] Him: yeah I am going to call it connect the dots.
Make me laugh with a joke.
A joke from my grandfather who is a Indian man in the United States. Him: "Muslims are going to vote for trump" Me: "Really?" Him: "Yeah. They want him to stop their parents from visiting constantly"
Any good jokes?
A man once became addicted to cocaine from foreign countries. He spent all his money to travel and sample the evil drug in all parts of the world. Thankfully, he stopped once he hit the Finnish line.
Make me laugh with a joke.
A blonde goes into a bank... ...to withdraw some money. The clerk asks her: "Could you please indentify yourself?" The blonde pulls out a mirror from her bag, looks into it and says: "Yes, it is me."
Make me laugh with a joke.
A programmer goes to do groceries. His wife tell him: -- Buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen. He comes back with thirteen loaves of bread. -- But why?, she asks. -- They had eggs.
Can you share a joke?
I saw my ex wife in a grocery store. "Having fun there?" I asked her, as she felt up the apples. "Does that remind you of someone?" She said, "No, but this does," Then she started rubbing the grapes.
Tell me a joke.
A pirate walks into a bar... A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, you know you have a steering wheel between you legs right?" The pirate replies, "Arrrr, Matey! It drives me nuts!"
Any good jokes?
I was alone, depressed and suicidal around Christmas time and decided to call the suicide prevention hotline "Sorry but all of our employees are happily spending Christmas with their loving families"
Got any jokes?
I was banging my neighbors wife, doggy style, when her husband came home... She said, "OH MY GOD, use the BACKDOOR!!" I should've left at that point, but you don't get an offer like that every day...
I want to hear a joke.
Your wife is knocking at the back door to come inside and your dog is barking at the front. Which one do you let in the house first? The dog, because when the dog gets in the house it stops bitching.
Share a funny joke.
I was talking to my Irish mate about Brad Pitt's films, but I could not remember the name of that historical Greek film he was in..... "Troy." he said, suddenly. "I am." I replied. "Give me a minute"
What's a funny joke you know?
Why did Hitler blows his brains out?... Because he saw his gas bill. Also this joke isn't funny, one of my family members died in a concentration camp. He went to take a piss and fell out of a tower.
Any good jokes?
A vampire walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a mug of hot water. The bartender looks confused and asks 'Don't you drink blood?' The vampire holds up a used tampon and says. 'I'm making tea.'
Do you know any jokes?
Need Advice So I need some help. Younger sister is coming out of the closet finally and I need some good lesbian jokes in good enough taste to raffle off at dinner for thanksgiving. Oh please assist!
Got any jokes?
Man comes to psychologist's office He kicks the door open, enters, leans above the desk, and staring psychologist in the eyes says: "Now, tell me, bald ugly little man, why I don't have any friends?"
What's a funny joke you know?
I just don't understand my next door neighbor. She keeps going on about how she'd love to be a contestant on a reality show, but she went mental when she found out I'd put cameras all over her house.
Share a funny joke.
A wife asks her newfie husband to stop by the grocery store on the way home... She tells him, "pick up a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen" He comes home later with 12 loaves of bread
Share a funny joke.
I was tanning on the beach with my son. After a while, he looked at me and said, "You're look like a lobster." "Uh oh, do I need some sun tan lotion?" I asked. He said, "No, you're just really ugly."
Tell me a joke.
I asked a pretty homeless woman... I asked a pretty homeless women if I could take her home, she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Tell me a joke.
Lost my watch at a party... Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl. ^not ^^on ^^^my ^^^^watch.
I want to hear a joke.
A man walks into a bar.... ...sits down, orders a beer, and begins to gaze longingly at the barmaid. The barmaid hands him the beer, returns the stare and says... "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."
Make me laugh with a joke.
double midget jokes god save me When to know to kick a midget's balls? Ans - When he's next to your girlfriend and he says "Her hair smells nice." What do you call a midget vampire? Ans - Cocksucker.
Share a funny joke.
1 We must strive to disconnect gender norms from career choices. It is my hope that the next generation is better, that Secretary Kerry's grandchildren never feel the embarrassment his children feel.
Any good jokes?
I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?" I replied, "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room."
Any good jokes?
"I was in a very generous mood today" a woman says to her friend. "I gave a poor beggar $25." "Thats a lot of money to give away" says her friend. "What did your husband say?" "He said 'Thank you'. "
Share a funny joke.
How does a Scotsman find a sheep in the tall grass? Very satisfying. Retweaked joke: How does a (insert nationality here) find a sheep in the tall grass? Very (insert extremely lustful emotion here)!
Tell me a joke.
Hitler is walking in an extermination camp with the camp manager.. "Why is there such a sweet smell in the air?" Hitler asked. "Today we're burning the diabetic" answered the manager. Edit: Spelling.
What's a funny joke you know?
A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck." Note: This is a bot test
Make me laugh with a joke.
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I" Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Make me laugh with a joke.
The other hole. My buddy asked me the other day if whenever my wife and I were getting freaky if I ever tried having sex with her other "hole". I replied "Hell No!",.......... She might get pregnant.
Share a funny joke.
So a silver mine collapsed in Germany... So a silver mine collapsed in Germany, I guess you could say that's one mein fuhrer. I don't know if that exists or not, but as far as I know, I made that up.
Tell me a joke.
Why Donald Trump will not release his tax returns even though it seriously jeopardizes his presidential campaign? No **Juan** should know how much money he has, country needs to build the wall first.
I want to hear a joke.
My website just crashed from a huge influx of traffic today... I wonder why so many people are interested in my superb owl, today of all days. I mean, he's really great and all, but he's just an owl.
Share a funny joke.
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic? You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there's a dog.
What's a funny joke you know?
What sound does a debugging Web Developer make? Open, Close!.................. Open, Close!.................. Open, Close!.................. *only true Web Developers will understand* *original joke*
Share a funny joke.
SERIOUS WARNING! Do not go outside! On the 31st December around 11:59pm. Do not go outside your house otherwise chances are, you will not come back until next year!!! Please tell everyone u care for.
Any good jokes?
An elderly Asian man goes to the eye doctor The doctor takes one look at his eyes and says "Sir, I think you have cataracts". To which his patient replies "No i don't, i drive a rincoln rontinental".
Do you know any jokes?
An Irish girl tells her mother that she's decided to become a prostitute. "A WHAT?!" her mother says. "A prostitute," the daughter says. "Thank god," the mother says. "I thought you said Protestant."
What's a funny joke you know?
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan... An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan. The egg turns to the sausage and says, "It's getting hot in here!", and the sausage replies "Wow! A talking egg!"
Any good jokes?
I walked into my sisters room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Stolen ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^from ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^The ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Last ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Of ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^us
Can you share a joke?
Not only is today Leap Day, but it's also the 52nd anniversary of Family Circus first appearing in newspapers Wow, that's amazing. Just think about it. That's the same joke told 19,028 different ways
Got any jokes?
My dad's take on 35 years of marriage. Me: "Mom and Dad, how does it feel to have been married for 35 years?" Dad: "Well, it only seems like it's been 5 minutes..." Mom: "Awww!" Dad: "...Underwater."