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What's a funny joke you know? | I was in a highbrow bar at the Ritz Carlton, and their Pianist was asking folks for requests. I said to him, "Can you play an Etude by Chopin?" He replied, "Which one?" I responded, "The composer." |
Make me laugh with a joke. | How to catch a polar bear: 1) Cut a hole in the ice. 2) Carefully place peas in a circle around the hole. 3) Hide and wait. 4) When the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice-hole. |
Share a funny joke. | What's the difference between the Polish and polish? No one bats an eye if you use chemicals to remove polish, but if you use chemicals to remove the Polish, most of the world will turn against you |
Tell me a joke. | Or any other Lie! Bro1: Why are you upset? Bro2: I text my GF but she doesn't reply back Bro1: Don't be upset bro, she may doesn't see it, or his mobile dead or she was sleeping or any other lie... |
Tell me a joke. | Lottery- Gilbert Gottfried A man comes home to his wife and says "Honey pack your bags I just won the lottery!" She says "What should I pack?" He says "I don't care just pack and get the fuck out!" |
Any good jokes? | My Grandpa said to me the other day, "Your generation relies too much on technology" I replied, " no your generation relies too much on technology" then I unplugged his life support. Stupid asshole |
Do you know any jokes? | Two Russian pilots in Syria - Hi, what have you been doing today? - Bombing the ISIS headquarters... - Which one, the main headquarters? - No man, the main headquarters is on the other continent... |
Share a funny joke. | There was an explosion at the world's largest sprinkles factory earlier today. Fortunately there have been no fatalities, but the number of injured are reported to be in the hundreds and thousands. |
Any good jokes? | A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street... when they see a little boy walking towards them. The priest says, "Hey, let's go fuck that little boy over there!" The rabbi says, "Out of what?" |
Share a funny joke. | I wanted the day off work today so I phoned my boss to tell him I was sick... He said "You don't sound sick." I said "I'm fucking my sister, is that sick enough for you?" Well... I got the day off. |
Make me laugh with a joke. | Down in Virginia, the prosecutors brag they could get a grand jury to bring a ham sandwich to trial. In fact, just last week, a banana was actually convicted of murder. It was overturned on appeal. |
I want to hear a joke. | What is the difference between Vinod Khosla and Rajat Gupta Vinod khosla made his money in information technology while Rajat Gupta made his money by selling information with the help of technology |
Give me a joke. | Going to work My boss told me yesterday, "Don't dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want". But when I turned up at the office today in Ghostbusters gear, the bastard said I was fired. |
Any good jokes? | Guy checks into a hotel with his family.. He goes up to the desk clerk and says, "I hope the porn here is disabled.." The clerk is shocked and responds, "No, it's just regular porn, you sick fuck!" |
Give me a joke. | An employee texts his boss "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter...?" (Slightly nsfw) His boss answers "I don't know." The employee replies "I'm not coming in this morning!" |
I want to hear a joke. | Why bachelors are skinner than married men A bachelor goes into the kitchen, opens the fridge, sighs, goes to bed. A married man goes into the bedroom, lifts the blanket, sighs, goes to the fridge. |
Got any jokes? | Why did the black med student wait all day at the rear entrance of the student cafeteria? Because his professor told his class they were going to spend the entire next day at a bacteria conference. |
Share a funny joke. | Every time I notice some loser has deleted me for being totally awesome, I wish that the small Asian from "The Hangover" would pop up on their screen and scream, "Tooood-a-loooo muthaf$ckaaaaasss!" |
Share a funny joke. | 2 cats are trying to cross a river... The first cat is named "One Two Three", and the second cat is named "Un Deux Trois". Only 1 survives, which one? One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois cat sank. |
Tell me a joke. | Two non-english speaking Mexican go to gran central... One of them goes up to the cashier and asks for "tu tickets plees". The cashier asks "one-way?" To which the Mexican responds "no, two gueys." |
Tell me a joke. | What's the difference between PHP and PCP? One makes you: * feel numb * see things that aren't there * panicked and paranoid * feel loss of control over your actions. The other is a synthetic drug. |
Do you know any jokes? | A man goes to see his doctor... A man goes to the doctor and the doctor says "I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." The man says "What! why?" The doctor says "So I can examine you" |
Tell me a joke. | A day in the life of a dick A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his next door neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy and his owner beats him on a daily basis. |
I want to hear a joke. | the college art history director was instructing the graduating class on what to do during the ceremony One girl says to another "does this dumb old codger think we dont know how to work a tassle?" |
What's a funny joke you know? | An Eskimo was driving through new Zealand His car suddenly broke down after a small wait the mechanic told him "aw shut bro you've blown a seal" to which the Eskimo replies "shut up you fuck sheep" |
Any good jokes? | So it's game night at a social group. The social group contains an autisic person, an abuse victim, a socially anxious person, and a depressed person. What game do they choose? They chose "Sorry!". |
Share a funny joke. | A blonde gets a tattoo... On her inner thigh of a conch shell. Her friend asks "Why a conch shell, and why there of all places?" "So that when you put your ear against it, you can smell the ocean." |
Got any jokes? | In Heaven, the angels asked God where he would spend his next vacation. Definitely not earth, God said. Last time I went there, I got a girl pregnant and they still haven't stopped taking about it. |
Got any jokes? | So a Scottish man is talking to his angry girlfriend.... She goes, "How many other girls have you had sex with?" The Scotsman starts counting in his head, but after the 12th sheep, he falls asleep. |
Do you know any jokes? | A little boy asks his Dad a question A little boy says, Dad, I've heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.' Son,' says the dad. That happens everywhere.' |
Got any jokes? | One day a wife complained.. "This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow." |
Make me laugh with a joke. | Honey, I just won the lottery! -- Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack some suitcases! -- That's fantastic! Should I pack summer or winter clothing? -- I don't care, but I want you gone by tomorrow! |
Do you know any jokes? | #BREAKING Oscar Pistorius has today made a plea for clemency ahead of his sentencing in April Mr Pistorius claims he is not the first bloke to come home legless and put a few loads into his missus. |
Can you share a joke? | Found in the comments to the picture of a nice looking girl He: "Could you please send me one of your pubes for me to clone?" She: "You know how to clone people?" He: "People?! God no! Just pubes." |
Give me a joke. | A man goes to a job interview... Interviewer: "What's your greatest weakness?" Man: "Probably my honesty." Interviewer: "I don't think that's a weakness." Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think." |
What's a funny joke you know? | I like TV, I was watching Blue Peter today He's my neighbour with a heart condition who was walking his dog. I asked why he didn't have a pacemaker. He replied "I can't even keep up with my dog"... |
Give me a joke. | Did you hear the one about the old man at the doctor? Man: I can't pee, doc! Doctor: How old are you? Man: I'm 90 years old. Doctor: Oh, you've peed enough! Heard this one in a bathroom at Walmart. |
Give me a joke. | On my way to the mall yesterday I passed the Big & Tall Men's clothing store. Outside the store a troop of Girl Scouts were selling cookies. I guess it really is location, location, location... |
Do you know any jokes? | Pool donations, what is up with that? One day this guy came up to my front door asking for donations to the local pool, I told him I would be right back. I came back and handed him a glass a water. |
Can you share a joke? | George stops at red light... A beautiful blonde stops just beside him. George pull down his window. She also pull down her window. George smiles and asks with a grin on his face " you also farted?" |
Give me a joke. | Trump and a mate were getting drinks at a bar..... After a few drinks..... Trump: What is the useless skin around a woman's pussy? Mate: I have no idea. Trump (with a smirk): The rest of the woman! |
Share a funny joke. | A pirate walks into a bar The bar tender notices that he has a ships wheel sticking out of the front of his pants, he asks "doesn't that bother you". And the pirate says "arrrr it's drivin me nuts" |
I want to hear a joke. | I went for a meal at my local Chinese restaurant "Mysterious Ways" yesterday... ...I don't even like Chinese food but I thought I'd check it out because people keep telling me that God works there. |
Give me a joke. | A guy calls the hospital and says... "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" To which he replies, "No! This is her fucking husband!" |
Make me laugh with a joke. | Its Wrong To Have Sex Before Marriage Girl (While moaning during sex) : Its wrong. Boy : But I love you. Girl : No its wrong. Boy : I will marry you soon. Girl : You stupid cunt, the hole is wrong. |
Can you share a joke? | A C++ error walks into a bar... A C++ error walks into a bar. The bartender looks up at it and says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve bugs here". The error replies "But I'm an EXCEPTION!" Haaaaaaaaaa! |
Any good jokes? | I failed a Health and Safety course at work today... One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "Fuckin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer. Edit: grammer |
Got any jokes? | Frisbee. I went to the park with my son and he brought his frisbee. We started throwing it around and after a while I started to wonder why frisbees get bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me... |
Share a funny joke. | Q: Why was Heisenberg such a bad lover? A: When he got the momentum, he couldn't find the position, and when he found the position, he couldn't muster up the momentum. **X-post : /r/ScienceHumour** |
Do you know any jokes? | What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit ..." |
Do you know any jokes? | 2 guys with Alzheimer's. "I'm off to go get some ice cream, do you want some?" "Yeah sure" Shortly later, he returns. "Here, I brought you your fish" "Fish!.............. where's my fucking chips." |
Make me laugh with a joke. | A man has undergone the first successful hand transplant in the UK. Doctors say he can move his fingers, but still doesn't have any feeling. Also, he won't come out of the bathroom for some reason. |
What's a funny joke you know? | Daddy, did you ever eat cat food when you were little? "Yeah, but it didn't taste very good." She smiled and nodded, "I know, it taste like dog food." *A recent conversation I had with my daughter* |
Can you share a joke? | A man goes to the gas station ... and ask the guy who works there: "How much does 1 drop of gas cost me?" The boy stumbles: "Well euhm ... nothing I guess." "Thanks, I'll have 2 million drops then" |
I want to hear a joke. | Two scientists walk into a bar... ...The first one says: "I'll have some H2O" The second one says: "I'll have some water too" The first scientist got angry because his assassination attempt failed. |
Can you share a joke? | I feel sorry for Anne Frank... First she gets her diary published, which is every girl's worst nightmare, but on top of that she doesn't get any money from it, which is every Jew's worst nightmare. |
Got any jokes? | Interesting piece of history... In 1872, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first. |
Share a funny joke. | Why won't hipsters listen to the Beatles until Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney die? Because they only want to listen to the Beatles when they're underground (Taken from Cyanide and Happiness comics) |
Give me a joke. | The Climate of New Zealand Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand? Matthew: Very Cold, sir. Teacher: Wrong. Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen! |
Share a funny joke. | What's the difference in the KKK and the Supreme Court? The KKK dresses in white and scares the hell out of black people, the Supreme Court dresses in black and scares the hell out of white people. |
What's a funny joke you know? | What's heavier 200 pounds of bricks or 200 pounds of feathers? The feathers. because you have the weight of the feathers and you have to carry around the weight of what you did to those poor birds. |
Make me laugh with a joke. | So there were these two sisters.. a blonde and a brunette. The brunette goes to her sister and says "I just fucked a brazilian!" The blonde replies "You slut! How many more is that than a million?" |
Any good jokes? | A man only buys water from a dancer. His son notices this and after a while he asks him, "Why do you only buy water from that dancer?" "Because," the father said with a grin, "I enjoy *tap* water!" |
Can you share a joke? | Case closed Cop: "Did you kill this man?" Me: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed." |
Got any jokes? | A female weight lifter went to the doctor "Doc, I've been takin steroids for a few years now and as a side effect, I've grown a Penis" "Anabolic"? Asked the doctor. "Nope just a Penis" she replied. |
Do you know any jokes? | Two blondes are at an CD store. One is buying a DVD. Blonde 1: Oh, what's that DVD about? Blonde 2: It's how to repair household items! Blonde 1: What do you need to repair? Blonde 2: My DVD player |
I want to hear a joke. | Finish this joke, "I am Christian and I believe in science. In fact, I studied Physics at a Catholic University." So far I have, "Physics at a Catholic University? That's like studying... at a ..." |
What's a funny joke you know? | Q - Why are bachelors thin, and married men fat? A - Bachelors come home, check to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed. Married men come home, check to see what's in the bed, and go the fridge. |
I want to hear a joke. | Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's. |
I want to hear a joke. | How many seconds are there in one year? 12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd. |
Tell me a joke. | A heads up.. So when searching for a place to eat at work and a coworker tells you about The Black Angus Campfire Feast and the boss is standing behind you. Check the spelling before hitting enter. |
Give me a joke. | I saw this dude trying to pick up a girl. Him: I would tell you a joke about about my penis, but its too long. Her: LOL, that's funny. I wanna tell you one about my vagina, but you'll never get it. |
Make me laugh with a joke. | Wife Wanted A man inserted an advertisement in the classified section of the newspaper: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." |
Got any jokes? | A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.. The bartender looks at him and says, "Wow, that's pretty cool! Where'd you get it?" The parrot replies, "In Africa, they're everywhere!" |
Do you know any jokes? | Adele called her first albums 19 & 21 because they are numbers that have special importance to her life Her follow up 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510 is due out next month. |
Tell me a joke. | I went for my physical yesterday. Nurse came in the room and she said "I'm going to have to ask you to stop masturbating" I was like "What? Why!?" She said "because I'm trying to do your physical!" |
Tell me a joke. | A girlfriend and boyfriend are talking... The girl says, "hey John, how do you spell 'pedophilia?'" He responds, "gosh honey, why do you need to know? That's an awfully big word for an 8 year old." |
Share a funny joke. | What's the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife? A prostitute says "Faster, faster!" A girlfriend says "More, more!" A wife says "Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige." |
Make me laugh with a joke. | SNL Gold: Domestic Violence A local county couple had an argument over a jar of salsa, which resulted in the girlfriend stabbing her boyfriend. But hey, you'd be mad too if he was jalpeno business. |
Can you share a joke? | Saw this on a wall while on some down time in the restroom, made me laugh ...Silly This is my first time posting, but this made me laugh ... Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop? ... .. Answer: Dr.Dre |
Got any jokes? | Coffee With No Cream A guy walks into a coffee shop. Waitress: What can I get you? Guy: May I get a coffee with no cream? Waitress: Sorry, we just ran out of cream. How about a coffee with no milk? |
Make me laugh with a joke. | Sexual Pleasure is like a gas station Sometimes you just fill up and leave Sometimes you do none of the work Sometimes you have to pay the person filling Most of the time you end up at a Self Serve |
Got any jokes? | Sherlock Holmes and his partner are walking in the woods... ...they happen upon a tree bearing yellow fruit. Watson asks, "What the hell is that?", Sherlock responds, "A lemon tree my dear Watson." |
What's a funny joke you know? | President Obama is walking through the White House... ...when he passes former President Clinton. "Bill!" says Obama, "what's going on? How is Hillary's head?" "Well,' says Bill, "She's no Monica." |
Do you know any jokes? | I rolled over and saw a girl laying in bed next to me. "How the fuck did you get in here?" I asked. She said, "You don't remember last night, do you?" "I do," I replied, "But my hallway is narrow." |
Can you share a joke? | A pirate walks into a bar With a steering wheel attached to his belt. Confused, the bartender asks the man "Hey buddy, what's up with the wheel?" The pirate replies "Aaaargh, it's drivin' me nuts!" |
Make me laugh with a joke. | Statue of Liberty How do you know the Statue of Liberty isn't French? It doesn't have both arms raised. And yes I know the French manufactured the Statue of Liberty and gave it to the United States |
Share a funny joke. | I told my boss I needed a raise to stay at work because there are three different companies showing interest in me... He asked me which companies and I told him, "The gas, electric, and cable ones" |
Tell me a joke. | Yea, let's do that Old bull and young bull are enjoying a snack atop of hill one morning, and the young bull shouts 'let's run down there and fuck all these heifers!' Old bull replies ' let's walk' |
Tell me a joke. | There once was a lady from Madrass... There once was a lady from Madrass Who had a magnificent ass Not pretty and pink as you may think But had long ears and ate grass. Credit: Playboy, circa 1970s |
Got any jokes? | strong password Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. |
What's a funny joke you know? | Standing next to an attractive woman in the elevator. I turned to her and asked politely if I could smell her pussy. Bristling, she snapped "NO, you can't!" Oh, I said, "It must be your feet then." |
Can you share a joke? | Clerk Kent is in fact Superman... So my mom tells me stop hanging with your friends who are always drunk! They are not a good company! How should i tell her that... "Clark Kent is in fact Superman" |
Got any jokes? | A priests asks the convicted murderer...... A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?" "Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?" |
Tell me a joke. | A senior partner with a herniated disc limps into a conference room Coworker 1: "I feel like the world's moving in slow motion" (pause) Coworker 1: "Oh wait, it's just Charlie" (motions at partner) |
Give me a joke. | What an Idea..!!! My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory. Why didn't I think of that? |
Give me a joke. | Sean Connery: A Man Who Conquers All *obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice* What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle? When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection. |
Share a funny joke. | I lost my watch at a party once... I saw this guy stepping on it while sexually assaulting a girl. I walked up to him and punched him right in the nose. No one does that to a girl. Not on my watch. |
Can you share a joke? | An unconscious man arrives at a hospital... After a series of x-rays, the radiologist discovered the man had several plastic horses in his anus. The doctors have declared his condition as "stable." |
Any good jokes? | Reddit, I am a huge fan of corny jokes. The punnier the better. Gimme your best shot. I'll give you one of my favorites: What does a tree do when it goes on vacation? It packs its trunk and leaves. |
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