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CleanComedyGold

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q . how does bill gates enter his house? a . he uses " windows " .
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How do you know when relationship gets serious in California? They take you to meet their Tarot Card reader.
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What do you say if Jordin Tootoo gets on the same elevator as you and you're both going to the second floor? "I'm going to two too, Tootoo"
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my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called "good"
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what's the best part about dating a twin? nobody can judge you on your age difference .
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What do you call a fish that stands out? Out of plaice.
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Whats the most unlikely line to read in the bible? The characters in this book are entirely fictional.
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My hobbies include humming the Jurassic Park theme song to my chickens, to make them feel more in touch with their ancestors.
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"Why'd you name me Carson, dad? " You were born in a car. Now go fetch your sister, Hospitaldaughter. It's time for tablemeal.
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UK: We call it "Autumn", from the French word "Automne", and later, from the Latin "autumnus". USA: WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAVES FALL DOWN
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I've been sitting here trying to think of a French joke, and I almost have one that works. Unfrotunately, it went on strike
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Where do blind sparrows go for treatment? The Birds Eye counter !
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My vet asked if my dog likes to eat herself out I said I do that for her
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I told my dog to bark. He said, "howwwl loud."
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Want to hear my latest joke about the Fibonacci sequence? It's as good as my previous two Fibonacci sequence jokes put together!
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Did you know they buried Steve Jobs in an orchard? Yep. He's still pushing apples.
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Body language can be so subtle that only an intuitive person can read your mood. Body slams, I have found, are far more direct
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I just watched a film about a couple who bought a haunted yoghurt. It's called Paranormal Activia
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My landlord wanted to come talk to me about the high heating bill I told him, "My door is always open".
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I don't think I will ever find a stable job. Because quite honestly I'm very uncomfortable around horses
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Put some desks and a blackboard in my living room today... To make it more classy...
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five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain threedots you were waiting for the punchline but it never came .
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How did the steak chef at the courthouse like his paycheck? In legal tender
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Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants.
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never heard this before knock knock who's there ? dishes. dishes who ? dish is sean connery
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to the woman who keeps pounding and screaming at my door all night: i'm not letting you go threedots
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What does a bored Spaniard eat? Aburrido.
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i'll tell you what i love doing more than anything : trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. i can hardly contain myself
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my favourite element is helium. i can't speak highly enough of it
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An art thief gets caught after a heist, how so? Many people saw his Van Gogh from the scene of the crime.
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I used to rub my hair together when I was stressed. But now I'm dreading the consequences
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Whats a printer's favorite sandwich? A paper jam sandwhich
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I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you... I just had a really tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine...
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how can a man go eight days without sleep? no problem , he sleeps at night .
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What's a nerdy way of saying a bad word? A canine with two X chromosomes.
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Want to hear the joke about a well? You wouldn't understand it. It's too deep for you.
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Confucius say, "Happy wife lead to soft hands... Unhappy wife lead to softer hands."
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I couldn't find you any new tampons. but I managed to pull a few strings
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A Lizard lost its tail. but it got one back from a retail shop
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Did you hear trees can't cum? They just leaf
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what's the opposite of assault? a pepper .
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i am giving up eating red meats. i'm going cold turkey
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You know why pro smash players were excited to see Steve in Smash? Because he's a miner
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What unit of measurement did the ancient greeks use to measure their crops? Demeter.
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What did Obe Wan say to Skywalker when he was teaching him table manners? Use the forks Luke.
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What do you call a chinese poker face? A mahjong face
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stephen hawking finally published his new book. it's about time
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The next time somebody complains about millennials, maybe remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.
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Are you afraid of quantum mechanics? Dont worry, it's gonna be Feynman.
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I like to put grilled chicken in my egg and cheese stuffed breakfast burrito. Nothing warms my heart and stomach more than reuniting a mother and child
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The Egyptian man became a bone doctor. They called him a Cairopractor
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don't ever let a chiropractor tell u a joke. it'll hit your funny bone
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What makes the ocean roar? You'd roar too if you had crabs on your bottom
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Friend told me he buffed up without any protein shakes. No whey
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I bought a clock, and then the big hand broke off it. I didn't want to throw it away, so I just added "ish" to every number
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Mom is coming to town. I get three full days of mouthing apologies to waiters
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wanted to be a farmer at one time, but it turned out to be the wrong field for me .
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I don't get why people think the homeless are unclean. when they have the mintiest breaths I've ever smelled
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My bank is trying to get people to open additional savings accounts, but there is no interest.
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When I asked my friend how he's doing, he said "man, I'm just happy to be breathing". I told him he should have bigger aspirations
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i wasn't dancing. i was trying to connect to the wifi
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This year's Delta inflight buckle your seat belt video isn't as good as the last one. I give two and a half seat belts
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What do you call an ant who skips school? A truant !
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life is short, which means it can't get on any of the cool rides .
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What do you call an artist with a brown finger? Picasso
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why did god have no sense of humor when putting the planets in order? because he didn't want to put uranus at the end of the solar system
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stopped shaving for november , at first i hated the mustache , but what can i say? it's grown on me .
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what charity has peta beat in terms of death rate? the make a wish foundation .
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i thought if i took the shell off my racing snail it would go faster. if anything it seems more sluggish
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OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes
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What does a cow do after a break up? Mooves on.
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What do you call a hard drive in a hydraulic press? File compression
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If I can wear my underwear inside out and backwards all day with no one noticing, how important are they really?
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Which chocolate stops dogs hair falling out? Malteasers
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Guys I'm finally vegan Coz afterall, you are what you eat
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why did the hipster dislike physics? cause the system is broke , yo .
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where did the judge go to buy a necklace for his wife? the jury store
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What do you get if a huge hairy monster steps on Batman and Robin? Flatman and Ribbon !
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I know ALL the digits of Pi Not the order, just the digits.
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so a flat walks into a bar . . . and the bartender looks up and says, " g you're looking sharp . "
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ababbaaaabbabbbbabababababbbaaabababbabaaaba. long time no C
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What did they call the race car driver who won with a hen strapped to the hood of his car? Number One with a Pullet.
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twitter, because my work isn't just going to ignore itself .
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everyone needs a three hour nap after their breakfast pizza, right ?
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What did Helen Keller say when she answered the phone? Ouch because she used the iron
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My girlfriend makes me want to be a better man. so that I can get a better girlfriend
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a snail was mugged by two turtles . when the police asked him what happened, he said " i don't know . it all happened so fast . "
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How would you describe the typical Inuit mathematician? Cold and calculating.
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Thanos is a hero For ending childhood hunger.
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if you leave your house with one leg, that's going out on a limb .
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How many palindromes do I know of? Not a ton
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when the hostess at the restaurant says " table for two ? ", i always like to look surprised and whisper " you can see her too ? " .
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What do vampires have at eleven o'clock every day? A coffin break.
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Why did the Dark Ages existed? Because there were 'nights.
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Girls wait for the perfect guy: Disney's fault. Guys wait for the perfect girl: Playboy's fault
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how can you tell that a straight pin is confused? just look at it . it's headed in one direction and pointed in the other .
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i always try not to judge people. which is probably why i lost my job as a judge !
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Why did King Kong.... Climb the Empire State Building? ...He couldn't fit in the elevator.
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i was walking though a forest with a young girl the other night and she said " i'm scared " i said " your scared, i've gotta walk back on my own "
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Did anybody else see the lunar eclipse tonight? I looked, but I couldn't see it.
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