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cleaning out the garage , i found some things i didn't even realize i had. like a tent , a new printer , and a fourth kid
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When he's out driving where does Dracula like to stop and eat? The Happy Biter.
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Last night I wanted to figure out what my Christmas present was so I repeatedly shook it. This morning I found out it WAS a kitten.
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Did you hear about the man who got a hatchet stuck in his teeth? It was accidental.
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I got a bite the first time I went fishing. I panicked and phoned the Fisherman's Advice Bureau to see what I should do. "Please hold the line," they said!
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Never date a chemist, they seduce you with their magnetism, only call you periodically, then one day: Boom! They Argon.
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If you believe in the end of the world tomorrow. I'm going to keep making end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow
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What was the most successful love story in Game of Thrones? Shireen. She was only on Tinder for a couple of minutes.
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What is red and keeps getting smaller? A baby with a cheese slicer
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I'm so bored with life, I've decided to read the Oxford English Dictionary from start to finish. I'm past caring
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What do you say when leaving the Periodic Table of Elements' police station? Cu Copper.
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what's your favorite thing about earth? it's just got such a great atmosphere .
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Women find me hard to resist That Glock serves me quite well
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Monster: Someone told me Dr Frankenstein invented the safety match. Igor: Yes that was one of his most striking achievements
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They say imitation is the highest form of flattery, but actually. A plateau is
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Why do writers always feel cold? Because they are surrounded by drafts!
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What does a stripper eat for thanksgiving dinner? Twerky
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whats a feminist least favorite football team? MANchester united
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Why are Chameleons surprisingly good at flying? Because they are always in duh skies
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did you see the movie invisible? i couldn't
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Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
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Ah, water. Giver of life. Destroyer of witches. Improver of tee shirt contests.
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Two coffees were walking down the street. One of them was mugged
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What kind of bird flies around bays? Bagles
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i'm selling books on how to avoid saying the wrong thing and getting into fights. who wants some ?
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I would never get an abortion... Why spend the money when the stairs are free.
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Today I purchased a cherry tree and a firecracker. Bought a Bing, bought a boom.
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My doctor told me I should be on a staple diet. I told him I don't think I can digest metal and walked out
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What does NASA stand for? Needs another seven astronauts
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great . only a single slice of bread left in the bag . that means until i find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
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What do you calla person that inherits a lot of money? A millionheir.
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What does a owl say when it stumps it foot? OOOOOWWWWLLLL....
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The kiss is a wordless articulation of desire whose object lies in the future, and somewhat to the south.
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Why was the headmaster worried? Because there were too many rulers in school!
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pick something up . you just applied more force on that object than the gravity of an entire planet . earth, do you even lift ?
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Up next: How to sound good in a band... Stay tuned!!
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sweet potato fries. could be made from sweet potatoes, or they could just be really awesome potato fries
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My wife told me that she hates revolving doors and is afraid that she'll get stuck in them. I said, 'You'll come round eventually."
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Aquaman: Come on in the water is great. Ironman: Sorry dude I have rust issues
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How do you compliment a pickle rapper's verse? That was dill!
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What kind of rain do they have at the North Pole? Reindeer.
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how much did the skeleton charge for his excellent legal services? an arm and a leg .
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What is the Great Saiyaman's favorite Adam Sandler movie? You Don't Mess with the Gohan
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My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it. Eventually she came round
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I've Just Set Up a Brothel At Sea for Horny Sailors. business is generally good, but clients tend come in large waves
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What do you call someone who hates cold weather? A southerner
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All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet. I'm basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi
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It's uncomfortable talking about how i got my cat fixed last week. But sometimes you gotta call a spayed a spayed
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what food is good for the brain? noodle soup .
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why do blondes like blonde jokes? it makes them feel popular .
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If sandman had plushie, what would it be called? Sandals
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If you were receiving a shipment of very rare, very special insects, would it be. Import Ant
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Mrs Claus hospitalised with severe cramps. Heavy Christmas period to blame
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what did the american vet did when he came to back from vietnam? " the guns wasn't in the horse fixing resume ! "
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Whenever I see people exercising early in the morning I think, "Wow! I'm so impressed I'm up this early!"
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Where do spiders play their FA Cup final? Webley stadium !
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stress? don't talk to me about stress . some of my favorite tv characters are currently in truly sticky situations
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life is like a cup of coffee threedots no matter how much sugar you put in it, there's always grounds at the end .
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What does the "Q" from "Iraq" stands for? Quicksilver
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how do men in new zealand address their women? " hey ! ewe ! "
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dear board of education , so are we. sincerely , students
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A girl winked at me.... With her both eyes
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I come from a musical family. Even our sewing machine was a singer
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What do French people do when they don't have bottles of their favourite beverage? They go to Cannes
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why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? so people don't confuse them with feminists .
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What did the Italian historian ask when he saw the original copies of one of the tragedian's greatest plays? Euripides
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What did Jennifer Lawrence say to Julius Caesar? ..."May the Ides be ever in your favor."
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Why was the Astronaut cold? He forgot to bring a space heater.
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My best friend seems homeless... He's a minimalist.
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Why did the Turkey join the band? because he had two Drumsticks.
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I got chatting to a lumberjack in a pub. He seemed like a decent feller
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What is a common question at lizards' fast food joints? You want flies with that
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if they ever start charging for air threedots i'll buy a bag of chips, at least it will be a package deal .
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what do you get if you cross king kong with a snowman? frostbite .
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What has gas, liquid and solids on it at the same time? Uranus.
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I don't know what the question is. But violins is not the answer
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What's the best thing about little girls? You can flip em over and pretend they're little boys
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what do you mean pi r square? pies are round
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A doctor was listening to a teenage girl's heart "All right," he said, "take big breaths." "What? " she said. "Big breaths!" "Yeth!" she said. "And I'm only thixteen!"
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i actually loved the twilight: eclipse movie until i realized i was actually in an alley drunk watching two cats fight over a dead mouse .
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What do you call a Sith Lord who lives in the woods? Darth Deciduous
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this homeless guy just asked me if i was okay. i told him i was a little grumpy because i haven't eaten in three hours
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Why was the pregnant woman screaming "wouldn't, shouldn't, couldn't!"? She was having contractions.
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what did the dog say to the tree threedots you've got a lot of bark, but no bite threedots
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Why do they say "character actress"? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture
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what's the biggest type of tree? a country .
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Why didn't the coffee and the tea get along? Because they were being "brewed"
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If you factor in "supply and demand"... she DOES NOT want the D. There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
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Pepsi just bought out Nike. Nike's new slogan will be, "Just Dew It"
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live a little , ask her " are ya done? " while she's still yelling at you .
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If I could be indestructible for a day, its scary how many sharks I'd make out with.
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If Kung Fu Panda taught me anything, it's that obese people can be accepted. so long as they know kung fu
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what does the sun drink out of? sunglasses .
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why are women's feet smaller than men's? so they can stand closer to the sink .
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So Philip Seymour Hoffman is in the new Hunger Games . . . If anything can bring him back, it's some powerful heroine.
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I had a great abortion joke..... But I decided to not to go through with the delivery.
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The best thing about black jokes on Reddit is... That the real joke is always in the comments.
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Why did the Sudanese boy get arrested in Texas? I'm not exactly sure, but it was about time.
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a horse hiking in deep space. star trek : deep space neigh
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i always have to throw out my animal crackers. they always have that label : " do not eat if seal is broken "
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