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en | train tip: a few minutes before the train arrives at your destination , get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster . | 3.4 | 5 | 1 | 4 | 2 | 5 |
en | What were the French children doing in the pool? Piscine. | 3.4 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 5 | 5 |
en | honey , we should really think about becoming parents. i mean , we've already had the kids | 3.4 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 5 |
en | this guy in the elevator asked for my number so i wrote it on his arm. apparently he meant which floor , so that was awkward | 3.4 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 |
en | why did the kid put his clock in the oven. he wanted to have a hot time | 3.4 | 4 | 2 | 5 | 3 | 3 |
en | science joke an ion walks into a bar , " just you tonight , sir? " " no , i'm waiting on one more . " | 3.4 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 5 | 4 |
en | In comedy things don't age well Except for Michael Jackson jokes, much like his victims they never get old. | 3.4 | 5 | 5 | 4 | 2 | 1 |
en | A ginger wanted to join the Jazz band. But he didn't have enough soul | 3.4 | 2 | 4 | 3 | 5 | 3 |
en | i went to a seafood disco once. And I pulled a mussel | 3.4 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 5 | 2 |
en | Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell "She's right there! " every time she comes on the screen until you're escorted out of the theater. | 3.4 | 3 | 3 | 5 | 1 | 5 |
en | Yeah I'm on a diet, I call it the "seefood diet" I'm pretty sure the mercury's affecting my spelling | 3.2 | 4 | 4 | 5 | 2 | 1 |
en | The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat | 3.2 | 2 | 4 | 1 | 5 | 4 |
en | i've never dumped a girl. i always lay them peacefully in a field to be discovered by school children | 3.2 | 2 | 5 | 2 | 4 | 3 |
en | My favorite word is onomatopoeia. I just like how it sounds | 3.2 | 2 | 5 | 2 | 4 | 3 |
en | did you hear about the blind dog that never got lost? it really nose it's way around . | 3.2 | 2 | 5 | 2 | 3 | 4 |
en | me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland. refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES | 3.2 | 2 | 5 | 3 | 3 | 3 |
en | When pinguins fly, you are probably drowning. | 3.2 | 5 | 2 | 2 | 5 | 2 |
en | A man walks into an Australian pet store, He asks the bloke behind the counter "where do you keep the kangaroos mate? " The bloke replies, "outback." | 3.2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 2 | 2 |
en | i always feel like i'm wasting a text message whenever i respond with just " k. " now i write " potassium " instead | 3.2 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 5 |
en | love is never having to say you're sorry. marriage is saying sorry especially when you're not | 3.2 | 1 | 3 | 5 | 3 | 4 |
en | why are divers always so nervous? because they're always under pressure ! | 3.2 | 5 | 2 | 3 | 1 | 5 |
en | yesterday , i got a fortune cookie that said: " help ! i'm stuck in a cookie factory ! " | 3.2 | 3 | 5 | 2 | 3 | 3 |
en | why did the fire fighter call off work to spend time with his friend? because threedots bros before hose ! | 3.2 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 2 |
en | What does an amoeba call its friend? Cell mate. | 3.2 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 3 |
en | I've never understood the whole 'burying people for fun at the beach'. The cops will just find the bodies when the tide comes | 3.2 | 3 | 3 | 1 | 4 | 5 |
en | warning: the consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing . | 3.2 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 5 | 1 |
en | It's really odd having to meet your girlfriend's father, but this time it was easy. I didn't even have to leave the house. | 3.2 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 4 |
en | I like my partners like I like my work. Nine to five | 3.2 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 3 | 3 |
en | what do you call chess players bragging in a hotel lobby? chess nuts boasting in an open foyer | 3.2 | 5 | 3 | 5 | 1 | 2 |
en | Who was the only novelist with both direction and magnitude? Vector Hugo. | 3.2 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 5 | 3 |
en | Great minds think alike. That's why we have so many opinions in America | 3.2 | 3 | 5 | 2 | 3 | 3 |
en | what is the biggest key when moving a piano up a flight of stairs? be sharp or be flat . | 3.2 | 3 | 3 | 5 | 2 | 3 |
en | Two termites go on a date.. Waiter: what would you like to order sir? Termite: Table for two. | 3.2 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 2 | 4 |
en | My chess strategy and comedy have something in common I always concentrate on the pawns | 3.2 | 1 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 |
en | Know what you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth? A slow swimmer. | 3.2 | 2 | 4 | 3 | 5 | 2 |
en | Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs Me: They're golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us | 3.2 | 4 | 1 | 4 | 4 | 3 |
en | i decided to give a name to my dinner. it was a miss steak | 3.2 | 5 | 5 | 2 | 2 | 2 |
en | My mum said she will always have my back But when dad takes off the belt she never takes the hit for me. | 3.2 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 5 | 3 |
en | Why is Uber always slower than Lyft ? Because Uber eats. | 3.2 | 5 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 2 |
en | How do electricians meditate? Ohmmmm, Ohmmmm | 3.2 | 5 | 3 | 3 | 1 | 4 |
en | Whats a person from Alabamas favorite meal? Family spitroast | 3.2 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 4 | 4 |
en | Where did Lucy go during the bombing? Everywhere | 3.2 | 3 | 2 | 4 | 5 | 2 |
en | Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands; There are no canaries there either. | 3.2 | 3 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 3 |
en | how do you know if someone has run a marathon? don't worry , they'll tell you . | 3.2 | 5 | 3 | 2 | 2 | 4 |
en | what color are mirrors? i don't know , let's reflect on this . | 3.2 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 3 |
en | Why keyboards... Why keyboards don't sleep? Because they have two shifts! | 3.2 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 5 |
en | What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up? Oh My Gourd! | 3.2 | 5 | 5 | 2 | 2 | 2 |
en | Why can't any of the seven dwarfs share the same name? Because that could create a pair o' Docs. | 3.2 | 3 | 3 | 5 | 2 | 3 |
en | What do you call a jellyfish on a racing boat? A stringy thingy in a dinghy. | 3.2 | 3 | 5 | 5 | 2 | 1 |
en | God: NOAH. Noah: Yes Lord? God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes? Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those? | 3.2 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 2 |
en | What do you call a hair salon next to a graveyard? Curl up and dye | 3.2 | 2 | 1 | 4 | 4 | 5 |
en | why is that cotton candy talking? grandma , that's nicki minaj . | 3.2 | 2 | 3 | 5 | 4 | 2 |
en | why are doctors always calm? they have a lot of patients . sorry . | 3.2 | 1 | 5 | 5 | 4 | 1 |
en | Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it's referring to Noah's evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life. | 3.2 | 5 | 3 | 2 | 4 | 2 |
en | How do you get back at an egoist? With another egoist. An I for an I. | 3.2 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 2 |
en | lol What is an Orphans favorite toy? A boomerang because it comes back unlike their parents. | 3.2 | 1 | 4 | 3 | 5 | 3 |
en | my dad is a real family man. he has three of them | 3.2 | 3 | 2 | 5 | 2 | 4 |
en | What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog? A mist conception. | 3.2 | 5 | 2 | 4 | 3 | 2 |
en | What sound does a pedantic owl make? Whom, whom. | 3.2 | 4 | 2 | 5 | 3 | 2 |
en | A dog that barks Is not cooked well | 3.2 | 4 | 1 | 4 | 5 | 2 |
en | my coworker used to joke " i'm allergic to most nuts , but not donuts! " . until bill brought in peanut butter donuts . he died in the ambulance . | 3.2 | 4 | 2 | 1 | 5 | 4 |
en | why did the janitor file for a divorce? he found his wife sweeping with someone else . | 3.2 | 1 | 5 | 4 | 2 | 4 |
en | I played against an Oprhan Baseball team once. None of them made it past third base. | 3.2 | 5 | 1 | 4 | 3 | 3 |
en | What has three letters and starts with gas? A car. | 3.2 | 3 | 2 | 5 | 4 | 2 |
en | If you get mixed up when you read with your fingers, you're just Braillely dyslexic. | 3.2 | 3 | 1 | 5 | 4 | 3 |
en | i have a bumper sticker in braille if you can read this, you're driving too close . | 3.2 | 3 | 1 | 2 | 5 | 5 |
en | I'm not raciest I have four black tires and a colored tv | 3.2 | 1 | 1 | 4 | 5 | 5 |
en | On the Red Carpet Reporter: "Who are you wearing?" Buffalo Bill: "I'm so glad you asked." | 3.2 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 |
en | why did the redditor cross the subreddit? to recycle a joke from the other side . | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 2 | 2 |
en | I get carried away sometimes. Usually because I refuse to leave | 3 | 1 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 4 |
en | How are babies like hinges? They are things to adore | 3 | 2 | 5 | 5 | 2 | 1 |
en | What jumps up and down in front of a car? Froglights ! | 3 | 1 | 5 | 4 | 2 | 3 |
en | can people using windows play games online with people with using mac? depends on the wifi at starbucks . | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 1 |
en | What do a fretless bass and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed. | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 2 |
en | Scientists have invented a new device called the hyperbole chamber. It is the greatest and best thing ever since the dawn of civilization | 3 | 1 | 3 | 4 | 2 | 5 |
en | how do you know a girl is into you? just pinch yourself , if you don't wake up , she doesn't . | 3 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 1 | 3 |
en | What's a Jedi's favorite brand of vodka? Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut. | 3 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 1 | 3 |
en | what do ants drink? tea . it's an ant tea joke . | 3 | 5 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 2 |
en | may i have a quick word with you? velocity | 3 | 1 | 5 | 3 | 1 | 5 |
en | I eat bits of metal all day. It's my staple diet | 3 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 3 |
en | i knew my younger sister was becoming an archeologist after she started dating her best friend's father. she loves to be around old bones | 3 | 3 | 2 | 1 | 5 | 4 |
en | whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? beer nuts are a dollar and forty nine cents and deer nuts are under a buck | 3 | 5 | 1 | 2 | 4 | 3 |
en | trainer : what's the most intense part of your work out? me : getting into my sports bra . | 3 | 2 | 5 | 2 | 4 | 2 |
en | What do reddit admins eat? Everything | 3 | 1 | 4 | 4 | 5 | 1 |
en | debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. i was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen | 3 | 1 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 4 |
en | Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest. | 3 | 4 | 2 | 1 | 5 | 3 |
en | for sale: crystal ball cant see any future in keeping it | 3 | 5 | 1 | 4 | 2 | 3 |
en | Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink? He found a leek there. | 3 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 5 | 2 |
en | a friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever . | 3 | 5 | 3 | 3 | 1 | 3 |
en | dress for the job you want , not the job you have. in many cases this will mean showing up to the interview in a pirate suit | 3 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 5 | 3 |
en | have you guys heard my joke about elevators? it's funny on multiple levels | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 3 |
en | Which kitchen appliance do surfers dislike most? The micro wave. | 3 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 1 | 4 |
en | Why are carbon chains with two double bonds so sad? Because they're diene | 3 | 2 | 5 | 3 | 3 | 2 |
en | millionaire interview interviewer : sir , who helped you on becoming a millionaire? millionaire : my wife threedots i was a billionaire before . | 3 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 2 |
en | i asked the cashier at the window of the service station for a galaxy. she came back with a milky way | 3 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 3 | 4 |
en | Tourist: What's the speed limit in this hick town? Native: We don't have one. You strangers can't get out of here fast enough for us. | 3 | 1 | 2 | 4 | 3 | 5 |
en | Why did Little Miss Muffet have GPS on her Tuffet? To keep her from losing her whey. | 3 | 3 | 1 | 4 | 5 | 2 |
en | "Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today? " "Not much, just working on my Theseus." | 3 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 1 | 2 |
en | What was its name before the paralympics? Skipping leg day | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 1 | 4 |
en | What did the insurance company say to the applicant? THIS ISN'T EVEN MY FINAL FORM! | 3 | 3 | 3 | 5 | 3 | 1 |
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