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<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">6 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">Repeated hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(flowers)</b></td>
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</table>
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<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">73 kg</td>
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</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I first tried acid after I broke up with my girlfriend on the summer of 2007, I had been a pretty hard Smoker (Weed) since years before, but I had always been curious about other drugs, so I went with a friend I knew was selling some tabs, bought one from him and ate half that weekend.
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First “Acid” trip (Half of a “Hofmann 5 bikes” acid): Nothing happened!!!! I only ate half, but didn’t feel a thing…
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Then, one day, playing dice poker with my friend, lets call him “Señor Loco” we made a bet for a tab of acid, and I won, so I got one, which I ate the next weekend, with him to take care of me, but 3 minutes after I ate it, he got a call from some chick looking to have sex, and he dropped me off with some other friends.
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First LSD Trip (One “Hofmann 5 bikes”): We arrived at a little private rave and started to smoke some weed, after which a girl came by and started to ask me something, but I couldn’t understand a word she was saying until I understood by her mimicking that she wanted to smoke some of the weed I had, and when I gave it to her, I began to understand when she talked, I talked with her some 10 or 15 minutes, and then, I felt the need to lie down, and so I did.
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I started looking at the plants that were on the wall next to where I was lying down, on the grass, but they began to give me a Bad Trip because they looked like chains in my trip, so I looked to the sky. And I saw: The Stars, doing the most amazing fireworks I’ve ever seen, then after a while they started to create forms, and the first one I saw was a sphere, green, very small, but when I focused my attention on it, it began to grow, and I realized I was flying in space, looking at out planet, “Gaia” and I began to fly towards it and as I got closer I began to see details like forests, deserts, cities even, and all I saw was the destruction we humans have caused to out great mother, the planet.
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After that, I saw that all stars had faded and only one remained (there was not one cloud on that sky) and, that star became a gigantic fire and then the star again, and from that star, infinite paths began to form, and each path, led to another star, which in turn did the same, to the infinite, each star, creating infinite stars, and each of those infinities, creating a infinity more, and I understood that each star, was every instant, and that’s the way I imagine God is able to know everything that has happened, is happening, and is going to happen, but we still have Free will.
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From that day onward, I loved acid with all my heart and soul, and began doing it every weekend, and soon after I escalated to two tabs and some more time passed, and then, after reading the “Handbook for the Therapeutic Use of LSD-25” decided I should drop 6 tabs, and I did (6 “Hofmann 5 bikes”). I dropped the tabs and after one hour of dancing went to smoke some weed in my car, I sat there, looking at a wall, and a hole in the wall became a group of humans, they were primitives, hunting, surviving, but I saw the scene in fast forward, it changed, evolved, and after that I saw Egypt, Greece, Rome, and many others cultures and times <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">a hole in the wall became a group of humans, they were primitives, hunting, surviving, but I saw the scene in fast forward, it changed, evolved, and after that I saw Egypt, Greece, Rome, and many others cultures and times</div></div>, I was frozen in time, in a time and space trip that lasted 1000 years, I had a lot of time to think, to evaluate, the life of every person I could see, and myself, It was a hard trip, but It gave me insight.
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After that I quit drugs, all drugs, tobacco, caffeine, everything, and spent one month and a half clean.
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A month and a half passed, and then one day, a friend I’ll call “El Pacheco” and he offered some peyote to me, which I had never tried and always wanted to, and that day I smoked some “Peyote Brujo” ate a quarter of a tab and then went walking with a girl I was dating, without she knowing I was high.
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Some time after that, maybe a month later, my birthday was approaching and a “El Pacheco” took me to see a friend that had some “Orange Sunshine” Acid, and I bought one, and he gave me one half as a birthday present, it was still one month or more for my birthday and I couldn’t wait till it was day to eat some, so I ate one tab one day and had a incredible introspective trip that showed me a lot about my personality.
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Then, my birthday came, and I still had half a tab with me, so I took some close friends to the beach and ate my half (Half “Orange Sunshine”). When I began to have strong visuals, a wind storm broke, and suddenly, I saw, far away on the horizon, a little red speck in the beach, and started running like a madman without explanation, my friends behind me yelling questions to me, but I couldn’t hear them, all that existed to me in that moment, was the red dot, and it was getting closer. Soon after I got to it, it was a burning palm tree, on the sand, but since the air was getting so strong, there was no fire, just something that looked like a burning crystal, and then I noticed we had all 4 elements at their mightiest around us. The wind blowing like it wanted to blow us away, the sea, raging and foaming, dancing with the wind, the sand (earth) flying with the aid of the wind and finally, our fire.
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I think it was one week later when I ate half of a “Hofmann 100 anniversary” with a guy that used to be my friend and had a blast, excellent visuals, nice thought pattern, and feelings of connecting with God.
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Then new year came, and I decided I wanted to see the first sunrise of 2008 really acid, so I acquired one “Hofmann 100 anniversary” for me and one for the guy who used to be my friend, I picked him up, and we went to a beach rave (One and a half “Hofmann 100 Anniversary”). We ate our acids as soon as I got him in the car and we were on our way to the beach, when we arrived there, there were few people and the acid wasn’t quite doing its job, but I blamed it mainly on the fact that we had eaten some acid like 4 days before and I thought the resistance wasn’t yet fully gone, so we bought another one and as soon as the acid touched my hand when the guy gave it to me, it started raining, hard. So I put my other hand over the other one to protect the acid from the rain and ran to my car with the other guy, we got into my car, cut the acid in half, each ate his half, felt the true strength of the acid that had been hiding, and the noticed, that my key was bent, curved. No idea how that happened, it took us 20 minutes to straighten it. It was really hard, and by then, the acid was rampaging thru our brains. I drove us back to the city, to the guy’s apartment, amidst a crazy storm of air and water, totally blitzed, but I have acid driving experience, so I didn’t mind as much.
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When we got to the guy’s apartment, we took two chairs out to the balcony, put on some music, and then watched the amazing sunrise, after which I decided to sleep, and went to bed.
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I stopped tripping then, because I moved to another city and wanted to get the hang of my new routine sober, and I did, and one day I was driving around with a really close friend “El Vikingo” we were talking about drugs, since he was curious about acid, we talked about acid, he’d done weed some times before, and now he told me, he wanted to try some acid, so I got us two “White Lotus” tabs and when my dad left town for the weekend, we ate them in my house (One “White Lotus”).
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He got to my house around 11 and we ate our tabs, and then watched the Alex Grey “Chapel Of Sacred Mirrors” movie, but when it ended, I just felt a little high, but I had the distinct feeling that something was definitely “Wrong”. I began pacing around my house while “El Vikingo” was watching “Monty Python And The Holy Grail” and then I had the slightest visuals, and when I saw them and thought “We are high”. They grew in strength tenfold, I realized that as soon as <!-- you embraced your highness you were -->I embraced my highness I was allowed to get high. So I ran to “El Vikingo” and yelled “Estas hasta el culo!!!” (You are blitzed!!!”) And he responded “No, I’m not” But I could see he was, and I knew I was. After a horrible half hour trying to get him to understand, I sat him down on a chair and made him look straight into anything. He chose a door, and suddenly began to holler “Oh shit oh shit oh shit ohshitofshiiiit!!"” And I knew he was high as a kite, and I was free to trip a while on my own, which I did, but I began getting that “Something is Wrong” feeling once again, and as I thought over and over looking for the answer. I found it, and yelled it to my cousin “We are higher!!!!” The more I knew I was high, the higher I could get, and my brain began to work in a different way to adapt to this new development. To believe something, I had to justify it to myself, I couldn’t just say, “I’m cold.” I was cold because the air was chilly and I had light clothes on, and so on, and that I keep still.
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That was 3 weeks ago, yet, two days ago, I was smoking some weed, and suddenly I opened my eyes and find myself surrounded by fractals that didn’t let me see reality, I was acid!! I don’t yet quite understand how that happened, I’m quite used to seeing tracers as part of my normal life, but I had never quite thought that I was permanently infused with a low dose of acid. It was as if I had a quarter of a tab and as usual, by smoking, I potentiated the acid to become fully aware of it, I had visuals, thoughts, I had the whole nine yards, and as I began to think about it, I remembered something I told “Señor Loco”: “I wish I could be acid forever but functionally so, not too much, but enough to notice once in a while”.
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Well, now I’ve had my wish fulfilled, and I couldn’t be happier.
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<span class="erowid-caution">[Erowid Note:
Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. <a href="/chemicals/show_image.php?i=dmt/dmt_contraindications1.gif">Don't do it!</a>]</span><!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2007</td><td width="90">ExpID: 69805</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Sep 28, 2022</td><td>Views: 690</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=69805&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=69805&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Various (28), Mystical Experiences (9), Glowing Experiences (4), Retrospective / Summary (11), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">6 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">buccal</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 3:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">insufflated</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/ketamine/">Ketamine</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">88 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
<span class="erowid-note">[Erowid Note:
Claims of measured microgram dosages for LSD are usually unsupported. Quantitative measurements for LSD are very difficult to do and cannot be done casually. Without further detailed information about how the measurements were derived, it is reasonable to assume that most statements of microgram dosages of LSD on blotter or in microdots are either misinformed or overstated.]</span>
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Long time LSD user (10 years plus). Other experiences include Mushrooms, DMT, Mescaline, MDMA, Cocaine, Amphetamines.
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I hadn't tried Ketamine until 1 month before this. I had been curious though for quite some time.
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I'm not a social drug taker (anymore) I much prefer solo with my psychedelics these days. My first K-hole really impressed me with a new substance so I decided to combine with my favourite, LSD.
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Over the years I've become more comfortable in controlling my thoughts and dosage diving into the unknown so will generally dose quite high for the full experience.
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I waited for the opportunity that I was home alone before trying my little experiment. I've done this a few times now and I do not recommend for the inexperienced.
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18:00
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I'm home alone, I break off 6 tabs of 150ug LSD from the sheet and place in my mouth, the LSD has the familiar slight sting when munching on this much.
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18:30
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The come up is strong. words on my PC screen are already beginning to dance around
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18:45
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The tabs are mushy in my mouth, my thoughts are going into tangents. Thinking about people I know creating narratives with imaginary scenarios in detail
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19:00
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I'm wondering how I've kept these pieces of cardboard in my mouth I pace up and down my home office thinking about all the work I still need to do. I write a 3 sentence email to a client thinking about the 5th dimensional possibilities of how my words will affect their lives
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19:30
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I proofread my email for the countless time making many edits and finally send. For a brief moment I laugh to myself and stand up looking around the room seeing vivid colourful images of a distorted face smiling inside my head.
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19:45
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The floor looks dirty so I start vacuuming, while vacuuming I find myself completely lost in the trip. Making motions that are outside my control for a brief period. I catch myself and smile as colours and visions flood my perspective.
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20:00
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Around this time I remember the Ketamine. I have 450-550mg left in the bag. It's at this point I remember the purpose of my mission.
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I retrieve the bag from my secret hidey spot. I use my weekend car key as the universal measuring device and scoop up 4 key bumps. I place them on my office desk while doing this I found myself wandering into the garage and staring at the feat of human engineering
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20:10-20:20
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I find myself back into the office and pull out my credit card to separate the approximate 450mg as there was basically nothing left in the bag
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20:30
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I need a means to get this up my nose. I'm in the kitchen now frantically coming up with ideas. I found a juice box which I detach the straw from and contemplate the chopping/shortening of this straw with some scissors as I do this I think about all the potential damage I could do with this sharp object and think back to people in the medieval ages using such weapons to fight for life and death. I'm standing in the kitchen defending myself against imaginary swordsman before I catch myself as to what I'm doing and finally snip the straw. This went on for a good 10-20mins.
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21:00
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I'm in the peak of the 900ug LSD trip now. I can barely make out what's in front of me but I manage to get the straw up my nose to snort the Ketamine. I do one big line and get up for what I estimate to be about 5-10 seconds before sitting back down to do another fat line. I estimate this to be about 200mg.
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I stand up again. I walk to the living area. I'm standing not sure if I'm whispering to myself about the client I had emailed earlier or only thinking about it. It seems too confusing so I lay on the couch as my feet feel wobbly.
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21:10-21:30
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As I lay there I begin to sink. I close my eyes. The hallucinations are intense. I think of the fluffy pillow I'm laying on and suddenly become it. As I become it I see the details as I slowly migrate into being a tiny piece of fabric on the corner of the pillow. I'm at peace now. The pillow fabric is who I am now.
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My eyes are closed although I am not certain of this. I see a dog sized animal with rainbow fur approach. It's okay I tell myself I'll just stay still so it doesn't know I'm here.
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It climbs upon the couch. I feel safe. I'm so small it can't see me. It lays on me. Why wouldn't it? I'm a comfortable pillow now. I tell myself not to move so it can get some rest. It's fur pushes against me as it tries to sleep. I wait ever so still with its body pushed up against me. I can no longer see the room.
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I wonder what its skin looks like. So I zoom in and find a futuristic city between its hairs. This is what 8k graphics looks like I tell myself. The city is beautiful and so detailed I can't believe what secrets it was keeping. I walk around this foreign place so impressed with the details. I'm flying now. The details of these sky scrapers are so impressive.
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How did I get here? I wonder.
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Have I always been here? Is this my life now? <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Have I always been here? Is this my life now?</div></div>
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I'm okay with this, as I reminisce on my life leading up to this moment.
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My family is gone now, It's just me alone in this place. I pause and think about how impressive my brains graphics card is. I think about breathing and why I even need to do it.
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Drums, drums start in the background and tell me to open my eyes. I do so. Reality snaps back. You're on the couch still a brief moment of sobriety hits me. I'M ON THE COUCH.
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Fuck.
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21:30 (I think)
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I get up immediately
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What the fuck was that? I got to take a shit.
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I walk to the bathroom. Amazed that my legs are operational. I sit down and do my business. Can't believe the toilet is taking this. I wipe and inspect making sure it's all clean. It better be. The toilet takes this like a bitch I think. I stand up and call my toilet a fucking fairy for being so compliant with me. I pause. I laugh. I'm in hysterics that I just called my toilet a fairy.
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I flush, and I walk out. I wash my hands while staring at myself in the mirror wondering how I've obtained this human pile of meat.
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I remember the other two lines in my office desk. As I exit the bathroom I pause in the hallway while standing, close my eyes, and put my arms out.
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I'm a death robot. I'm in a war. I use my arms as guns as a I fight a war for humanity against other robots, it was an epic battle. I open my eyes this time feeling satisfied with my victory and make my self back to the office.
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21:45
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There's another 2 lines sitting on my desk. I feel like the K is dissipating as I catch myself in a glimpse of rational thought. I tip the rest of the bag out onto my desk and combine it with one of the two lines remaining.
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I check facebook and messenger app is poking out at me like a 3 dimensional entity. I attempt to type a message to someone. I spent 5mins typing a message to a friend "Everything every where at once is nothing in an infinite blackhole resulting in the big bang" while believing is was the most important message they would ever receive in their life.
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I've got more K to do I think to myself.
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21:55
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I do the rest of the K in 2 huge lines. I cough, it burns. In a good way. Enlightenment is coming. Oh fuck. I think. I need to make it to bed.
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22:00
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I'm in the hallway my legs are moving as I approach my bedroom. I'm not sure how I'm doing this. Somehow I have arrived.
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My bed is a green oasis in a bright white room (the lights were off). I make it to the side of the bed while I prepare to get in.
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Suddenly as one arm and leg rests on the bed I'm in a forest. This forest is so luscious and the trees have exquisite detail. I go towards them admiring the intricacies of nature. For some reason I think about world of warcraft and myself as a night elf. One with nature. I'm not alone here in this place as voices in the distance ask me to take the quest.
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I snap out of it. Fuck. I'm halfway into bed. C'mon you can do it just lay down. With all my might I make it. I lay on the bed.
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22:??
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I'm in bed now. I'm laying down. I'm not really here. A pleasant feeling of pulsating goes through my body. A bit like rolling a ball bearing over your skin except from underneath in a massaging motion. I'm sinking now. I'm going some where else.
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I'm falling through infinite space. I'm understanding life. Life always finds a way. I'm staring at atoms forming the building blocks of survival. I'm here now. My thoughts are clear. I'm okay with this. I convince myself I'm dead and this is my after life. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I'm here now. My thoughts are clear. I'm okay with this. I convince myself I'm dead and this is my after life.</div></div> It's a happy place. I've lived a good life. My family will be okay without me. They will remember me well.
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Suddenly I sink further. I see dirt and muck and death and filth and horror. It must be hell I think. I can handle this. I'll fuck it up. Tiny bugs and mosquito like creatures fill my vision as I hear the sound of horror fill my vision. This goes on for a while. I realize it's my own breath being distorted as I come to life and appreciate the fact that I really am alive and I'm here right now in this world with the opportunity of experiencing it.
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Suddenly the visions shift to glory and victory as I'm awarded the ultimate gift of existing. I'm so happy. everything compresses into a singularity of complete satisfaction. I am truly complete in infinite glory. My memory gets a bit hazy in this period but it was life changing.
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23:30
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The Ketamine is mostly gone. The LSD is beginning to decline (still tripping hard!). I get up to find my phone and take it back to bed to watch some youtube as I reflect on the experience. I lay in bed watching videos until 3-4am until finally going to sleep.
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I wake up at 10am, feeling refreshed with new perspective.
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I don't see too many LSD + K combos. I would say that it's comparable to the intensity of DMT with a twist. Not recommended to people with low level experience in psychedelics. If one can handle it though it's truly mind blowing.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2022</td><td width="90">ExpID: 116412</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 21</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Sep 29, 2022</td><td>Views: 651</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=116412&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=116412&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Ketamine (31) : Alone (16), Combinations (3)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">buccal</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">vaporized</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(extract)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">140 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I’m about to drop acid for the first time. I have only had a couple experiences with psychedelics before. I have done mushrooms 3 times, all in 3.5g doses, and had amazing experiences, so I have been very anxious to try LSD. I tried to try it like a year and a half ago but it might have been bunk. I was really euphoric from an epic day of snowboarding and I just basically did dabs for hours so if it had some small effect I didn’t notice. I don’t do anything regularly besides take dabs (THC).
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I am a 25 year old male, about to go on this trip with my 25 year old ex college roommate. I live in a townhouse with my fiancé and my buddy is bringing his fiancé as well. The girls aren’t participating so we will have to try and not let them bring us down. I normally don’t like tripping around sober people, so it will be interesting. Its cold and rainy outside, and it will be dark soon, so we have no choice.
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I have 2 blotters, so we will take one a piece. There were 6 in the bag originally from the guy I got it from, so I also plan to rip the bag in half and we can each lick half.
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Got some awesome HD trippy stuff to watch on Netflix, made a couple of funky and electronic playlists, and got my colorful kaleidoscope light set up to really stimulate the senses. Otherwise, I’m really just going to chill as always. I think we will take dabs right before we take the acid, then just kind of be social until it kicks in and we can go chill in the man cave. I have tons of awesome leftovers from food I cooked this week in case we get hungry. I’m praying for a real mind-bending trip!
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7:50PM – Let blotter sit in mouth for like 5 minutes then swallowed. Each of us took a dab after.
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8:30 PM – Acid starting to have effects. Enlarged pupils are very apparent.
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9 PM – Ate eggo waffles after watching Moving Art: Forests. Gonna watch desert or oceans next it will be dope. Feeling slightly euphoric. My visual perception is a little strange. Colors are way more vibrant. Everything seems to pop. When I try to focus in on something it seems so far away though.
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9:52 PM – Definitely have dived into a deeper thinking and consciousness at this point. We are really getting into the deeper aspects of social engineering and human interaction. We watched moving art – deserts and are now watching oceans. My kaleidoscope light is also looking fucking great.
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10 PM – Deeper discussions about life evolving and its origins, existence, infinity of the universe. I love feeling aware on like another level. Getting into the trip at this point.
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10:11 PM – On to Moving Art: Flowers. Thinking about intelligent life in the universe and the concept of time more. Really enjoying how the mental pathways are opening. Thinking about all the different facets of things I wouldn’t normally examine. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Really enjoying how the mental pathways are opening. Thinking about all the different facets of things I wouldn’t normally examine.</div></div> It feels so cliché but my mind feels very “open.” Ideas are flowing so smooth. Trip is in full effect and I don’t even know if I have peaked yet I feel great.
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10:20 PM – Went to get some water for us. Made if halfway back upstairs before realizing I was bringing my friend an empty glass. We are definitely riding up the first hill of the roller coaster. There is no point where we can get off, we gotta go as high as the ride takes us.
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10:50 PM – Done watching moving art it was an amazingly intimate experience with nature. It helped us adventure through eons of time and really appreciating the amazing chance of our existence. We are both very euphoric and loving the experience. The girls are in the other room talking about wedding things and we haven’t been bothered. We are about to watch Waking Life to kind of help guide us along these awesome talks. Great trippy movie.
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11:20: PM – Hydration break. Typing is becoming more and more challenging to translate my thoughts into text. Just going into the other room and interacting with our fiances and experiencing the normal world. Does not compute. I really enjoy just being in our own room with a kaleidoscope light. It is the essence of our experience. Up on the ceiling the design is geometric and cool but the way all the colors are spinning and creating this 3d effect close to the wall it is by is just insanely trippy. I kind of brought it into the room as a joke I had no idea it would be so intense.
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11:30 PM – Waking life too intense we are now watching fantasia 2000. We almost bailed because the version I downloaded had Spanish subtitles but then we realized its fantasia and there are no words.
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12 AM – Fantasia is kinda chill but we miss the CGI whales in space and want them to come back it got pretty deep. That 1940s Disney is surprisingly deep. It kinda started to send me off into a bad trip like waking life did to my friend. Maybe ego death is what I feel right now and its not comfortable. I feel very detached from my humanness. I also keep seeing the kaleidoscope even when it's off. We are transitioning our trip downstairs so people can sleep up here it is very overwhelming we want to go back to the CGI whales. It seems daunting but we will conquer handling the rest of fantasia.
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12:12 AM - what was once euphoric is becoming overwhelming.” THIS IS AN UNDERSTANEMENT” “FANTASIA IS A MOUNTAIN TO CLIMB” We are rearranging furniture so nothing gets in the way of fantasia.
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12:33 AM - I can only write during fantasia transitions. We are starting to diverge but trying to control our stimuli so we follow the same path. Doing normal human things is so weird. Like I just woke up from surgery. I just don’t want to be concerned with my body right now.
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1:07 AM – Fantasia was a trip we just realized it is DST swap today so we don’t know what 107 this is whether it’s the first or the second. Sometimes I was forgetting a was a real life person for a minute fantasia had me so captivated I’m not sure whether I was watching or listening I was just existing in it and existing outside of it is painful and stressful. I don’t want to say I'm going down a bad trip I am just becoming more self aware instead of being more focused on everything else that surrounds us.
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1:25 AM - The CGI whales didn’t come back but that is kinda relevant to this whole trip you cant go back to the way things were awesome at the start. Watching visually trippy movies like this is hard at points I am not sure if the movie is melting or just my own brain. I am slightly less overwhelmed. Fantasia had us on a real ride though it really evoked a lot more emotion than I would have expected.
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We are now at a crossroads deciding where to take our trip, fantasia is over but this ride is not. We can go any direction but back.
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My buddy (who I bought it from) was not lying this is some life changing shit.
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Nothing is as flowy or smooth as before though. I feel oddly detached from myself. All of this is very new. A few hours ago I could relate things to mushrooms but like halfway thru fantasia I took a turn. Documenting is very challenging. Earlier I remembered I cared about college football earlier today. I am slowly coming back... but then I drift back away. It’s all very confusing. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I am slowly coming back... but then I drift back away. It’s all very confusing.</div></div>
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The sober people in us are starting to shine through though. We got his PC set up before the acid kicked in now we are about to play some Rocket League. I still don’t feel the desire to put the ball in the back of the net but I'm just gonna go with it.
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No rocket league. Its so hard to stay on track. Aborted like 10 missions. We are going back to Netflix. I'm struggling a bit my mind wants to do its own things and its stressed when my human needs come up.
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Going back to watching nature stuff. We don’t want people to tell us what to do or how to feel. We are now watching Planet Earth. Its crazy how when things happen they just seem like the way they were meant to be. Nevermind, no, planet earth don’t make the same mistake you don’t want a British commentator to your acid trip trust me. I almost started a new paragraph but no just stick with simple nature and flowing soundtrack no commentary.
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1:18 am – back in time baby. We are watching yellow submarine. More gold off my hard drive. After the intro it was just a done deal we were already halfway along the ride. This method of journaling (using my computer) interferes with our desire to constantly stimulate ourselves. Journal less.
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1:38 am – [blank entry]
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2:19 am – The comedown is eminent. This is the hardest part. Trying to find something worthwhile and just transition it back into my life. Whatever that may be. I feel like I have seen so much, but can only bring back and share so little. Words cant really describe how I am feeling. I have never felt so out of control in my life. There were so many good positive emotions that I was feeling: euphoria, excitement, hopefulness. It was beautiful. And then halfway into Fantasia my entire world came crashing down. I was not prepared for the out of body experience. My entire human entity just seemed like such an unnecessary chore; it was holding me back from where I thought I belonged. I felt a lot of strong emotions, and they continue now, along with lucid visualizations, but going back to those emotions, the strongest feeling I felt was hope. This has been a humbling experience. My words are not poetic enough to do my thoughts justice. At this point I have reached the mental clarity where I am no longer expressing my ongoing change of emotion, but trying to summarize my experience. Everything is very surreal feeling.
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2:48 am – I told myself I wanted to be done documenting. But my world has never melted like that before. Now I am left here with my walls bleeding around me, trying to find something useful to take from this whole experience. Its shocking how something so small can have such a profound impact. Every sentence I start it is like I am trying to give advice to my future self. I am just a parody of myself at this point. I feel like I just walked through the most beautiful museum in existence and was pushed out the exit without getting the chance to grab something from the gift shop.
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3:27 am – (4:27 on bio clock, 8 hours since first effects) I was totally unprepared for and unable to handle my experience. And I’m okay with that because it was amazing. It was everything I hoped it would be. I am sitting here trying to comprehend what happened to me while all these letters just look backwards and bent. It is like I am living my life through a convex lens. This experience has left me humbled. If it was not evident by reading, my mind was completely blown. I am so happy I took this ride that nobody could prepare me for. I’m kind of shaking. I have left the plane of heightened knowledge and existence. I’m sitting here staring into my kaleidoscope light trying to recall the hell of a trip I just went on and it has mostly already faded. The incredible range of emotions I felt without leaving my apartment. For only $10. Boy what a world we live in. This has been a great experience. The most satisfying part is how I thought I was ready to comprehend this experience, but Lucy just sat me on my ass and showed me I don’t know shit. And then, the part I feared most - coming to terms with the fact that I can’t take these awesome feelings any further. I’m going to close my eyes and try to let these fading visualizations carry me back. Resigning this state to the dream world again, for now.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2015</td><td width="90">ExpID: 107309</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 25</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Sep 30, 2022</td><td>Views: 614</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=107309&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=107309&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Cannabis (1) : General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">100 - 600 ug</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">100 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I am a 27 year old male, living near the sea in Holland. I surf, study philosophy and practice yoga. From the age of 16 till the age of 25 I have been heavily addicted to weed. There have also been times of intense MDMA usage. After quitting the ganjah, I found myself turning to other things. First the occasional mushrooms. I had always been interested in LSD, but frankly speaking it scared the hell out of me. After a load of mushroom trips however I felt like I was ready for it.
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The first time was amazing! It was so crystal clear. It also did not have this filthy bodyload I always got on shrooms. For a period of a year and a half I dropped acid every six weeks or so. I had bought a partial sheet of blotters with Maya calendar symbols on it, each containing about 200 micrograms of LSD. I know this for a fact because I had them tested at our government sponsored drugtesting laboratory. That probably sounds crazy to a lot of people but it’s true.
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My first dose had been about a 100 micrograms and I had been slowly working up to about 200 micrograms. I never had any really bad experiences and I was feeling very comfortable with my ability to handle the trip. Never was I more wrong!
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Now to that fateful evening (and night, morning, day and another night). I was all set up with movies, food and an empty house. I have six housemates and I like some privacy on my trips. I was feeling confident and excited, maybe even a bit apprehensive, but that’s normal. I had not eaten anything for at least six hours, as I prefer to start the trip on an empty stomach. I dropped the first at seven o’clock in the evening.
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T 0: Took approximately 150 micrograms, and started watching a movie.
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T + 2:00: The movie was becoming very strange and difficult to follow. Finished the movie and started listening to some music. It all becomes very vague from here on, but I will try and give as accurate a description as possible.
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T + 2:30 – 6:00: During more lucid moments I took small walks to the fridge where I proceeded to cut blotters in half and eat the pieces. The time in between I mostly spend lying on the floor of my room listening to music. The ceiling had turned into an open vista of the universe. I was lying on my back, using my hands and arms in front of my face to move according to the music. At one point my left hand turned into a guitar with strings of energy connecting my fingertips. I used my right hand to pluck the strings and create divine music. I was having a blast! I discovered the true nature of time and send a friend a text message telling him so. I gained the power to manipulate empty space and must have spent at least a couple of hours bending space time between my hands. It was becoming difficult to separate what I was hearing from what I was thinking, and there were moments where I was beginning to lose track of who I was.
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T + 7:00: Decided I wanted to go outside for a walk. It must have been about two hours after I dropped the last piece of LSD paper. Later I deducted by the number of missing stamps that I had consumed three in total, bringing the amount of LSD up to about 600 micrograms. Being outside felt great. I started walking but found this to be quite an undertaking. After taking forever to reach the end of the street I was starting to feel unsettled. It was becoming very difficult to determine where exactly I was, where the street was going and what the hell I was thinking going out in the first place. I turned around and started walking back. It was taking even longer to make the return trip and I must confess there were some moments of slight panic.
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T + 7:15: Sitting in my big chair trying to chill the fuck out. I was trying to focus on my breathing. Something I also do in my yoga and meditation practice. At first it worked like a charm, and I was beginning to calm down.
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T + 7:30: I guess this is when the last LSD kicked in. I was just sitting in my chair looking at some small dragon sculptures standing on my hanging CD rack, when suddenly things started to get really weird. For a moment it was as if the air around me turned into solid blocks, sliding over and around me. The structure of the world was really turning into something my mind was not really able to handle. I have had some intense Salvia trips and this was quite similar. A sensation of reality so weird and unmanageable, that it leaves you cursing the person who pulled this nasty trick on you. At this point I was really starting to freak out. I was losing my sense of self and there were moments where I was just this breathing entity.
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T + 9:00: I felt like a knot had formed in my mind and no matter how hard I tried to untie it, I would go deeper and deeper. I was having these recurring thoughts of things turning in on themselves indefinitely. It was like my brain could only thinks in loops. I was beginning to think I had pushed it too far this time, and was beginning to get these visions of me staying in a mental hospital for the rest of my life. I wrote a letter to my girlfriend in case I would never be able to have a normal conversation again. I wrote of all my fears and how I loved her and did not want to lose her. Crying, I just poured my heart out in these pages long letter.
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T + 11:00 Things where starting to calm down a bit. I think I ate something and watched another movie. The thought loops where still bothering me though.
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T + 13:00: How long is this going to last? I am still a mental wreck. No matter how hard I try my mind just will not untie itself.
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T + 15:00: I must have really fucked up this time! I have permanent brain damage!
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T + 17:00 I just want it to stop. I am so tired. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">T + 17:00 I just want it to stop. I am so tired.</div></div> Every time I close my eyes I see a field of white with a big square of absolute darkness, twisting and turning around. It feels like a perpetuum mobile has locked itself in my brain. It is made out of two marbles just ticking each other around in never-ending circles.
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T + 24:00: Still no improvement! I have a moment of extreme awkwardness as I am in the kitchen making myself a sandwich, and my next-door neighbor is there as well. She is with a friend from school and I am walking around in my bathrobe and a messed up brain. Somehow I cause her to hit the refrigerator door and almost fall. Did I mention they are both really young and from these little villages out in the country. I could practically slice the awkwardness. Later on they brought me their leftover supper though, that was really nice.
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T + 30:00 I have gone to bed but cannot sleep, still the thought loops and the scary black square. I am starting to freak out again as acid is not supposed to take this long. I am beginning to understand why people would kill themselves when they are tripping. The thought of having to spend the rest of my life like this is enough to make me cry again, and again. It is also really scary, and I keep telling myself it will eventually pass. I would give anything for this to stop. I just want my mind back.
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T + 34:00: Ok it is now almost 36 hours after I took the first hit. I am still tripping hard. This has gone on for long enough. I decide to go to the hospital. I read that people usually get some tranquilizer. That is what I need as well! I tell myself I just need to sleep and everything will be fine.
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T + 34:30 I arrived at the first aid station and told them what happened. Immediately I start getting these nasty looks. The nurse guy connects me to a heart monitor and leaves. As it turns out the thing is broken and he goes and gets another one. My heart rate is very high but not dangerously so. A doctor comes by and I tell him the entire story. He says his first concern is finding out if I have taken an overdose. I tell him that is not the case, but that I think my mind is damaged or something. He tells me that it sometimes happens when you take LSD. I know that, that is why I am so freaked out! What it comes down to eventually is that it is all my fault, he is not going to give me any diazepam, if I still feel unwell the next day I should go and see my physician. After asking me If I have any suicidal tendencies, I tell him that I do but that I know it and that I will not act on it. He tells me to call somebody to look after me and sends me on my way.
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T + 35:00: I call my girlfriend, and ask her if I can come over. Keep in mind it is now somewhere around 6 o’clock in the morning. Off course I can come over, and after a very emotional reunion I quickly calm down. I have given her the letter to read and am lying in her bed watching rainbow fractals on the ceiling.
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T + 36:00: I fall asleep!
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T + 39:00: I wake up. I can still see strange colors and patterns on the wall. The thought loops have not completely disappeared either, but I can sleep.
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T + 39:00 – 46:00: I sleep short intervals, get up in the end of the afternoon and feel much better. We go to a yoga class.
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For weeks after I have these moments of fear and returning thought loops. It is now 6 months later and I think I have recovered almost completely. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">It is now 6 months later and I think I have recovered almost completely.</div></div> Haven’t taken any drugs since, but am starting to develop the itch again. The whole experience did bring me and my girlfriend closer together. I have also regained an enormous amount of respect for the drug. I became arrogant and got my ass kicked, and I mean kicked! Now that I look back on it, I think that a sitter would have probably made a big difference. When you are spiraling into your own world of darkness and misery, it can really help to talk to somebody.
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In the end I was just so glad to be alive and healthy; I started working really hard in college and making all sorts of big plans for my future. I guess it was not all bad, but it was definitely an experience I never hope to repeat.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2009</td><td width="90">ExpID: 84603</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 27</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 1, 2022</td><td>Views: 806</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=84603&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=84603&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Alone (16), Difficult Experiences (5), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">600 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/gabapentin/">Pharms - Gabapentin</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/tobacco/">Tobacco - Cigarettes</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">Couple joints/cigs</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/tobacco/">Tobacco - Cigarettes</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">120 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Mindset: Happy/ Excited
<br>
Setting: My house
<br>
Substance: LSD
<br>
Dose: 3 Blotter tabs
<br>
<br>
To begin, I am prescribed gabapentin and take 600mg a day. At the time I hadn’t been thinking about how this could affect my trip. Not sure if it did or not, but it’s worth mentioning.
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<br>
So, I had been hearing about this acid called ‘Mad Hatter’ going around my town for a couple of weeks and was very excited to try it. It had been a while since decent acid had been around. So I called up my friend, let’s call him S, to try and get some. Not being very reliable, I called my friend, D, up as well. Well both ended up coming through and I ended up with 4 hits of this mad hatter acid. D told me it had a funky taste, but was also VERY strong.
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<br>
10:00- I opened the tin foil. They were tiny, about the size of a pinky nail, purple tabs with a picture of the mad hatter’s hat on them. I put three hits under my tongue. Holy shit, D wasn’t kidding… it tasted like I had just chewed up a bug! I know that whole “if it’s bitter, it’s a spitter” saying, but ignored it since I was so determined to trip. Well, I got my wish.
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<br>
10:30- I started to notice the walls moving and getting a liquefied look to them. Colors seemed to be brighter as well. I flipped the tabs up from under my tongue and chewed them up before I swallowed them. A very anxious feeling was washing over me and my stomach was feeling a bit queasy (not nauseous though).
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11:00- All of the sudden I really wanted a cigarette, so I put in my headphones and headed to the door. I found it surprisingly difficult to put my shoes on because I couldn’t tell how far the floor was from my feet. It seemed to bounce up and down. I put on some Jimi Hendrix and opened the door. As I was making my way down my backyard (about a ½ acre), it seemed with each step I was getting farther and farther away from reality. The ground looked like ocean waves coming to crash on a beach that wasn’t there. I finally got to my shed and sat behind it. I lit up a smoke and took a long, deep drag. As I exhaled, the smoke seemed more ‘3-D’ is the only way I can describe it. I look out at the bright clear moon like it was the first time I’d ever seen it. This is where I went insane.
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11:30- All of the sudden, everything froze. A solid ‘sheet’ of colors rose from the bottom of my vision (sort of like how movie credits are). Then the world ‘exploded’ into motion. The colors on the ‘sheet’ were spinning around in a diamond kaleidoscopic pattern and sort of pouring off into nothingness. The world around me was jerking back and forth very violently, but at the same time looked like very fluid and liquid-like. There was a noise coming from inside of my head that sounded like a race track with cars zooming around. The noise would get shaky, like the cars were switching gears or something. Jimi Hendrix ‘Stone Free’ was playing, and when the guitar solo came on, it projected into the sheet of colors forming words, faces, and other things I can’t describe. This was my first experience with synesthesia. I was tasting colors, hearing the world moving around, and smelling noises. I went in and out of this and eventually it stopped.
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<br>
12:30- After a couple more cigarettes, I decided I wanted to go back inside. I was going INSANE. I needed to get back in touch with reality. Walking back up, I realized I couldn’t tell if I was freezing or burning up. It felt like I was both at the same time. This was extremely frustrating and added to the confusion. When I made it back inside, everything was just as alien as it was outside. My depth and space perception where gone, and the rooms seemed to be tiny like dollhouse rooms. Everything was morphing and shooting around the room. The hands on the wall clock were spinning around and blurring together. I laid down on the couch and turned on my Xbox.
<br>
<br>
1:00- My mind was in overdrive, racing around, thoughts flying in and out of my head. I was so desperate to feel some sanity, even for a second. The pictures on the wall were jumping back and forth, morphing in and out. This is when things get patchy with my memory. I’d never had a blackout on acid before, so this fucked with my head like crazy. I got off of the couch and got to the stairs. The next thing I remember is being in the bathroom, brushing my teeth, and freaking out at my reflection. It looked less like a reflection and more like a window with a shape-shifting alien staring at me through it.
<br>
<br>
1:15- I went into my room and laid in my bed, which felt strange and alien to me. I was attempting to put my headphones in but they kept swinging around, leaving permanent trails behind. I could not tell the difference between the trails and the actual headphones. I fell back and looked at the ceiling. This is where a very dark, scary, and torturous thing hit me, since apparently I was still on my trip plateau.
<br>
<br>
1:30- It hit me out of nowhere. I fell flat on my back. Time stopped again. My senses exploded, blending together and overloading my brain. The zooming racecar noise in my head was overpowering. It kept getting louder and louder every time the racecar ‘switched gears’. Then it would go back to normal, start ‘switching gears’, get ear-bleeding loud, and repeat over and over and over… I was trapped in this loop. Accompanying the noise were solid opaque colors melting and pouring off my peripherals like a waterfall. Everything kept flip-flopping <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I was trapped in this loop. Accompanying the noise were solid opaque colors melting and pouring off my peripherals like a waterfall. Everything kept flip-flopping</div></div> from ‘normal’ to reversed, like a mirror image of the world. I kept thinking, “I’ve done it. I melted my brain. They’re going to throw me in an insane asylum because I’m trapped in this loop.” Then the trip changed.
<br>
<br>
1:45- The time dilation was extreme. I kept looking at the clock, trying to make sense of these things called numbers. What were they? They kept morphing into letters and different numbers. Then I thought about time. How we were all slaves to the clock and its numbers. I blacked out again. I came to and I was in the bathroom. I was kneeling on the floor with my head in the sink. For some reason I had a half chewed pill in my mouth and I was drooling into the sink. I started spitting it out and stood up. I stumbled into my room and collapsed on my bed and passed out, strangely. Psychedelics always keep me wide awake. I guess my brain couldn’t take it anymore.
<br>
<br>
Unknown- This part is probably the creepiest. I had a dream that I remember very vividly. <!-- Now, you might think an acid dream would be bright and sunny, with happy faces and joyful dancing. Nothing could be farther from the truth. -->It was dark, cold, and lifeless. There was a horrible taste and smell, like moldy cheese. Strange creatures made of a gray waxy substance inhabited this place. I saw one that was hollowed out and a horrible echoing noise was coming from its gaping mouth. One of them had a pile of the waxy substance and was making another one. He was babbling demented gibberish and laughing. He mashed a wax arm on top on the other one’s head.
<br>
<br>
8:30- I started coming around, but still not sure if I was awake. I looked at my room and ceiling fan. It was like I was in a time machine and my room was flying through a vortex. My room was still morphing and shaking, although my thinking was getting clearer. I got up out of bed, extremely dazed. I felt like I had hollowed myself out. It was like nothing of the person I was 10 hours ago remained. This wore off eventually of course, but I will never forget the feeling.
<br>
<br>
Summery- I found out the acid was about double the strength of whatever I was used to. The trip overwhelmed me and I lost my mind. I bit deeply into the side of my tongue because my jaw was extremely tight (like LSD always seems to do). It felt like a solid rock. I wouldn’t call it a good trip, but I also wouldn’t call it a bad one. I found some very dark places in my mind, but also felt strangely enlightened. The memory of the ‘Loop’ and the dream will forever haunt me. This was the last time I used drugs.
<br>
<br>
<span class="erowid-warning">[Erowid Note:
A substance(s) in this report might be identified incorrectly. Erowid reviewers question the author's identification of the drug described. Although the report is included in the collection, the substance might be something other than the author believed it to be.]</span><!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2011</td><td width="90">ExpID: 92477</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 17</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 5, 2022</td><td>Views: 3,562</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=92477&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=92477&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">Tobacco - Cigarettes (266), Pharms - Gabapentin (183), LSD (2) : Alone (16), Music Discussion (22), Health Problems (27), Difficult Experiences (5), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">200 ug</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.5 tablets</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:50</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.5 tablets</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 16:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">7.5 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/zopiclone/">Pharms - Zopiclone</a></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">194 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
08:30am
<br>
I dropped 200ug of acid and waited for the effects to kick in. My plan was to take the ecstasy at 12:00 so that I could aim to have both the substances leaving my body about the same time. Around 90 minutes in I begin to feel weightless which is a lot faster than has happened in previous trips. I decide to slip on 2001: A Space Odyssey a little earlier just in case as I've heard this is a good movie to trip to and didn't want to be peaking during it as I never know how long it will take 'E' to kick in.
<br>
<br>
09:30am
<br>
Movie is on but I didn't get past the first 45 minutes, the visuals were coming on so strong I couldn't concentrate, the landscapes started changing color and the part with the spaceship with the white halls and pink furniture just merged into endless hallways going on for eternity ever changing like a labyrinth. This surprised me, I've taken LSD before and managed to sit through 2 movies in succession, I even came out of Tomorrowland thinking I was Hugh Laurie but I never once felt the need to pull myself away from the screen. I think this might have something to do with Ayahuasca, I've heard once you drink that it can make you sensitive to other psychedelics. Despite this a fit of the giggles came about when the monkeys were drinking from their little dirty oasis at the dawn of man scene. Other users will know how incredulously funny the most simple of things can be. Just the leader of the pack sitting up and letting out a roar had convinced me someone had shat in the fountain of youth and he wasn't happy. Then I was comparing the other pack of monkeys turning up with the uninvited family member that always seems to appear when you least want them to. When the fight breaks out and the uninvited guest goes down in the most lackluster way imaginable, all the other monkeys at the oasis were taking it in turns beating him in the most hilarious fashion with a stick. I was laughing out loud. I had never seen anything more glorious as when the monkey creates a weapon from a skeletal carcass, waving it in the air with a beautiful backdrop of sky as he roars in triumph. I saw this as a real revolutionary moment for mankind in the purest of ways.
<br>
<br>
10:15am
<br>
I'm downstairs on the sofa taking it all in. Room going from big to small. For the first time objects started merging into each other. I know at some points I was unaware of any feeling in my body or in what way I was aligned with gravity. Facing a side of the room I recognize but don't know the direction of. This happened upstairs also. Very hard to explain; that psychedelic chime of music that resonates whenever this happens is like another intelligence is letting me know its about to take me on a trip that only it will decide the direction of and I have no choice in the matter. It teases me... Lets me squirm, its always hard never knowing on the come up just how well it may or may not treat me. At this point I decide to take ecstasy an hour earlier.
<br>
<br>
11:00am
<br>
With some effort I swallow half a pill before cutting another one in half and creating somewhat a powdery mess. As I look around I realize in my cartoon like vision I had left a trail of evidence all over the kitchen and that my shenanigans would be known to everyone in the house. Red on the fridge, red on the counter, the sink and tea towel as well as all over my hands. I retreat not knowing how to resolve the situation... There's me and my immediate danger to being outed. I felt like my recreational activities had betrayed me. I still had the knife in my hand walking about the house feeling invisible and that if anyone saw me they would see the knife behind my back and instantly know my entire life's secrets. Instead of coming to the simple conclusion of putting the knife back and hiding the pill for later I decided 20 minutes on after intense internal debate and panicking that I should just eat it now instead. I gobbled the tablet and threw the knife behind a curtain. Which I now realize in a way was a veil... The curtain representing a mask each and every one of us puts on each day for the world to see. As long as it was hidden there no body could see through my mask. I laid down and let my mind continue the ride.
<br>
<br>
12:00pm
<br>
It was at this point I was thinking the ecstasy might have kicked in. I was having a strange clash of the senses I was thinking it was down to the combination so I turned on some music. Specifically Tiago benzinho - New Zealand and boy it had! I couldn't contain the new found love of music. I began to dance...
<br>
<br>
AND THIS IS WHERE IT GETS INTERESTING!
<br>
<br>
I turned into what you could imagine as a mad scientist in the cartoons! My hair being ruffled from lazing about and a crazed look on my face as I'm on the verge of discovering something that hasn't been discovered or invented before my arms were outstretched with the music. I was looking both to one side of me and the other at both arms just..... Creating.... With my fingers and hands. The visuals at this point were INTENSE all around me I was inside of them and outside of them at the same time. Merged with the build of of the music I was an unstoppable machine of creativity. I couldn't stop moving. Right as the drums crash in about a minute into the song I closed my eyes. I have 360 vision!!! I'm looking all about me I'm building with my imagination more things technologically advanced than anyone can ever imagine. I build it up with all manner of colors that aren't visible to our human senses and I break it down only to rebuild into something just as beautiful and astonishing.
<br>
<br>
At this point I'm aware I'm a black shadow of a person it's like it's telling me this is what being human means, to create... The impossible is within you, discover and breakthrough your own identified realms of impossibility. Still looking everywhere manically as I'm engulfed in my inner mind. I've never seen anything so beautiful in my life. I look down to my lower hand palm up willing to life all manner of invention and beauty and it comes! I look to my other hand palm up outstretched but higher pointed at the air, more creativity!! I hadn't seen any of these things before. Objects 'things' that didn't exist that I was willing to formation with my life. Ribbons of new material sprouting from my arms intertwining with my creations. I repeated to look to both hands in succession willing new formations of astonishment and I delivered! I wasn't progressively creating bigger and better.... I wasn't despite my growing elation. This is a very poor westernized mentality. What I was doing was creating more creativity and beauty on top of more creativity and beauty. Nothing was there to impress or overcome. It was existing for the sheer joy of being and I was apart of it. I had willed it into existence and I had never expected to be able to do anything like this. I didn't think it was possible. NEVER have I experienced anything like this.
<br>
<br>
I took a moment to just stand still outstretched with my eyes closed swaying becoming one with the music, I had multiple universes in each hand another between my two arms and had more all around me... <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I took a moment to just stand still outstretched with my eyes closed swaying becoming one with the music, I had multiple universes in each hand another between my two arms and had more all around me...</div></div> I was engulfed even more so with ever changing color and creation. As I swayed I looked down with my eyes closed to see my body had become a fabrication of ever changing lights in space. Nothing I can explain will describe it. I danced and I danced, to more songs. Being unable to think clearly in the fog of LSD. I was mostly stuck with what youtube was recommending me in related links. Rocking out to 'limp bizkit - my way' was a different experience replacing my inner mad scientist with rock god was definitely something I hoped to achieve pre-trip.
<br>
<br>
1:00pm (Possibly)
<br>
Mixing substances isn't something I had done before. The last time I took this dose of E I had known it was too much but my memories of pure euphoria took over the others. I had forgotten the stress it put the heart through. I had this about an hour in. My little 3D heart was about to burst out of my 2D body. I could feel the shape of my heart as if I was holding it with both hands. The panic from the E mixed with paranoia from the LSD put me into a serious 'fuck I'm going to keel over and die' mentally. I shut everything off and got downstairs, lay down and waited for the imminent pending doom to occur, but I wasn't afraid, I was in pure bliss. Not long after I had relaxed and was fine again. Went back to having the time of my life. I think sometimes substances can enhance each other. I'm going to be more aware of that the next time I try anything like this.
<br>
<br>
4:00pm
<br>
Aside from the panic of death my body had become very hot, I was very conscious of this but it slowly begun to cool down. Other parts of my trip... I don't quite remember... All I remember was it was the time of my fucking life. Me and my creation. By this point the only thing left was the come down of the lingering LSD. I was... Awestruck I must have spent 6 hours just sat repeating to myself out loud lines like
<br>
'Jesus Christ...'
<br>
'what was that!'
<br>
'fucking hell'
<br>
'O-m-g!....'
<br>
'How'
<br>
'What WAS that!'
<br>
<br>
At some point during those 6 hours I had major nostalgia like it had happened before, It was someplace I was returning to that I had forgotten about. You can't bring back all you learn on psychedelic trips. It's not meant to be. That accounts for my amnesia but something was tickling my mind... This hangover... I've had it before this isn't the first party me and the universe had thrown. The hangover triggered something.
<br>
<br>
5:00-8:00pm
<br>
With the Ecstasy diminished now came the remainder of the LSD. The funny, illogical, senseless feelings of pure idiocy mixed with sheer brilliance, resolution and problem solving all rolled into one. I remembered creating the universe and I had decided to throw the party of all party's the best party of the universes anyone being or thing had ever seen. NOBODY showed up. It was just me and my creation and it was the same back then as I remember now... Neither of us had a clue or any recollection of the event itself all we remember was it was the best thing that had ever happened to us and we had the exact same amnesia like foggy hangover. At this point... Me and my creation had that simultaneous thought... 'if I'm here and your here, who's driving?' and at that moment that same chime of music sounded and the 'intelligence' of the psychedelic pulled that neither friend nor foe expression (somewhat telepathically) and that my friends is how the BIG BANG! Happened, we don't have a clue ourselves. At this point I was thrown out into the distant ether among all my creativity with no way of getting back. I'm stuck here. Forever. Maybe its my mission to get back there to continue to create and build. Maybe the universe like an AI had decided it was able to continue the mission without me and booted me out of my own laboratory of the mind. Who knows. All I know is I achieved something with the mind nobody on this planet has achieved in physical form. I will cherish what I can remember from that experience for as long as I live or for unfortunately, as long as I can remember...
<br>
<br>
12:30am
<br>
I'm not feeling tired or hungry in the slightest, I had hardly eaten anything all day and at this point I take 7.5mg zopiclone. I hadn't taken this before and was surprised to feel no effect from it. I drifted off to sleep very soon and didn't wake up in a zombified state. VERY good sleep medication, didn't have me waking up in a zombie like state that other benzo medications have me doing.
<br>
<br>
In conclusion:
<br>
Never will I be taking 255mg ecstasy in one go again. The panic from it mixed with the paranoia of LSD is just too intense.. FAR too intense. The added heartache for several hours after just isn't fun. However candy flipping is an astounding thing.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2016</td><td width="90">ExpID: 108631</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 25</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 6, 2022</td><td>Views: 759</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=108631&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=108631&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), MDMA (3) : Glowing Experiences (4), Music Discussion (22), Combinations (3), Alone (16)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">175 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I had acquired 2 hits of blotter from a girl I met randomly about 2 weeks ago. She wanted me to buy 4 hits but I only had enough for 2 because the price was so high. In a way I felt I possibly would be getting ripped off because each hit was ridiculously expensive. But the area where I live is very conservative and as far as I know it doesn't really exist in my city so I took a chance and paid the exorbitant amount for the 2 hits then stashed them inside a pill bag wrapped in black cloth stuffed inside a glass bottle which I placed into my acoustic guitar case which I assumed would be a dark and cool environment. Each hit was pre-wrapped in tin foil. When I bought them the girl said they weren't that strong instead she described the strength as perfect, said they weren't cut with anything and that it was very clean.
<br>
<br>
I was planning to save the blotter for a Furthur concert that I was trying to save up money for but as it so happened I never ended up buying a ticket for the show and decided that maybe I would save the hits for a couple months or possibly a year. I was trying to plan the perfect place to do it but there was no perfect place, I tried asking a girl who I knew if she could be my sitter for a night and at first she said yes so I was trying to aim for that but then when I tried to confirm whether she would be able to be my sitter in the next 2 weeks she said she was getting kicked out of her apartment for not paying rent and at that point I knew she wouldn't be a good sitter and that her environment would be way too stressful. I deliberated for a long while if I should trip at her place in a stressful setting or just try and trip alone in my backyard that way I wouldn't have to drive anywhere and I would have easy access to a bathroom and a bed.
<br>
<br>
I was living with my family. I took one of the hits when I was stressed out after dinner, my brother who I was sharing a room with had gone out on a date with a girl and my other brother was working late, my parents were arguing over dinner about how imperfect the taste of the pork was mixed with spinach. I tried easing the tension before dinner by adding sliced Portabella mushrooms to their pork and spinach concoction. But tensions flared during dinner, I felt like my parents just wanted to argue just to argue and didn't care what I had to say. I had initially planned to trip only when everything was perfect and in a nice setting. I was stressed out after dinner, I was alone, didn't have anyone to trip with. My parents went to bed around 9:30 p.m.
<br>
<br>
I was restless. I used the bathroom and felt physically fine, in the back of my mind I considered taking one hit even though the setting was less than ideal. The last time I had tripped was almost 3 years ago and the tabs I had then were perfect, they were tasteless and powerful and clean and the body high was phenomenal while listening to music. I envisioned that happening again but at the same time I realized I was fearing the experience. Fearing whether the setting would be perfect because I needed it to be perfect in order to feel safe enough to trip. I didn't have a single friend I could call to be my sitter <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I didn't have a single friend I could call to be my sitter</div></div> and I sat on my bed and considered and deliberated the fact that I can either be afraid of the experience and give into fear or I can try and ride the lightning and face my fears. I didn't have to do anything the next day, I was free all week, no responsibilities, I would be alone at least for the next 3 hours before my brothers got back home. I tried to make calculations in my mind about how much time it would take for the trip to end.
<br>
<br>
According to a lunar calendar that I had consulted earlier in the day I knew that it was just about the day after the new moon and even if the moon wasn't immediately visible in the sky there was a silver sliver somewhere in the sky. I felt like the emergence of a new moon was somehow symbolic and related to my wanting to face my fears and evolve.
<br>
<br>
By 10:30 p.m. I realized I couldn't find my IPod to make a master playlist and I thought maybe the lost Ipod was a sign that I shouldn't trip. I went out to my car and found it in there and was infinitely relieved until I realized I would have to charge it for at least half an hour because the battery was dead and I would need the music at all costs. I went back to my room and charged it and tried downloading some songs but I was drawing a blank and wasn't sure what I even wanted to add to my playlist. Then I thought about the song All You Need Is Love and so I put that on my playlist then I thought about the song Imagine by John Lennon and added that one but then I couldn't think of anything else so I just added those two.
<br>
<br>
By 11 p.m. I had everything ready so I put on some sweatpants and a sweater and got a bottle of water and filled a plastic bag with dates not sure why but I guess I felt it would be good to have a snack handy just in case. I got a pen and a notepad in case I wanted to draw or write something and I got a piece of sage and matches ready in a brass bowl. Grabbed my phone, IPod, headphones, sage, water, notepad, bag of dates and placed those things outside in the backyard next to a chair that was facing a fence and overlooking the night sky. I went back inside to grab the hit out of my guitar case and by this time it was nearing 11:30 p.m. I had the hit in my hand and I couldn't figure out whether to take it inside my room with the lights on and then walk outside or take it outside and just wait out there. I decided I would feel safer if I started in my room with the lights on then move outside.
<br>
<br>
At 11:34 p.m. I unwrapped the blotter from the tin foil, placed the foil inside a jar and stashed it away, cleared my mind, chanted the HareKrishna mantra, told myself that I was doing this to learn as much as I could about myself and the world and then placed the hit on my tongue. As soon as I put it on my tongue I felt a burning sensation in my mouth, I closed my mouth and the lifted my tongue up to the roof of my mouth and the hit touched the roof of my mouth and I was positive it was burning the inside of my mouth, it also tasted extremely bitter and then I panicked because I thought it wasn't supposed to taste like anything, and from the last time I tried it I never felt any burning sensations in my mouth. I thought for sure I had been ripped off and then my mind went into a swirl of uneasy thoughts about what I was ingesting. I thought if this isn't acid what is it?
<br>
<br>
Then I started getting really worried that maybe I had been duped and poisoned so I spit out the blotter and was convinced that my tongue was suffering chemical burn because it was starting to go numb. I got really worried, I wasn't sure what was going to happen to me. I tried texting some friends who lived far away and told them what was happening and that I was worried. They said to just stay calm and not to worry which helped a little bit although it would have been much better to trip with someone else because I felt incredibly alone tripping by myself. It was about 11:40 p.m. I wasn't sure what time my brother was going to come back from his date and I imagined him walking thru the door at any moment which made me uneasy so I walked outside to the chair I had set up and sat there and just waited. I felt tingly but I still wasn't sure what was going to happen even though I had tripped about 6 times 3 years before. Everything felt strange.
<br>
<br>
I realized I was starting to get strong tremors in my hands so I decided it would be the best time to put on some headphones and play a song and try and relax. I blanked out as I was scrolling thru my Ipod but the sound of crickets around me was starting to close in on me and I needed to just choose a song I chose the song Attics of my Life by the Grateful Dead. It was playing at a low volume. I closed my eyes and felt surges of energy course through me, I was afraid to open my eyes because it was so dark outside I wasn't sure what I was going to see. By this time I was taking very deep breaths and my hands had very intense tremors I was clutching some Malachite beads that I had got from a Buddhist retreat center some years back. I held onto them and breathed and at about 12 a.m. Kaleidoscopic tesselations were opening and unfurling in my mind as I kept my eyes closed, I couldn't even tell what I was seeing because everything was so complex, but I didn't really feel like I was tripping, not the way I had remembered it. The trip was too introspective, I would feel that nothing was happening one minute then the next minute I would be a leaf shaking in the wind surging with energy <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">The trip was too introspective, I would feel that nothing was happening one minute then the next minute I would be a leaf shaking in the wind surging with energy</div></div> and feeling the world and all of life was one giant fractal. I finally opened my eyes and looked at the sky and it was like I was looking at the sky for the first time in my life, I felt like a baby that was just seeing the world for the first time.
<br>
<br>
Usually I can't see any stars at night but for some reason I was seeing more stars than I usually would. I was trying to count them but there were too many then I wasn't sure if the stars were really there or not and as I had that thought I saw a bright shooting star streak through the sky and was so amazed I wondered if it was real or if I had imagined it. I tried to make a wish but I was so in awe I couldn't think of anything, all I thought of was living and wanting to keep living in the world, it didn't seem like much of a wish. Then I was noticing complex fractals and spirals in the sky, they were so intricate it was like they weren't there but they were. And I kept feeling like I wasn't really tripping but I was, it was very psychological and then I thought that maybe the fractals were the energy of life sometimes you can pick up on that energy and sometimes you can't.
<br>
<br>
As I sat and listened to the Dead and looked at the moonless starlit sky it was like the whole of Philosophy was out there in the sky and each star was an idea and a conclusion, I felt free to consider possibilities and felt free to think philosophically, about my life and the world and my place in the world and then I realized life is really about helping people but I didn't know how I could help people I felt like I could only help myself but somehow I knew that only helping ourselves is not enough then I got tangled up in my thoughts and felt that if I had to explain this to someone it wouldn't make any sense, I thought about how Ego is holding on to everything in your life and then I realized the only reason why people hang on so tightly is because they're not sure if sacredness exists. I thought about how my parents were arguing over dinner. To them dinner wasn't sacred, they were holding on to what they thought the perfect dinner was supposed to be like and because they couldn't feel any of that sacredness that is life they were bickering and let their egos control their feelings. I felt that the way to help people is to make them feel the energy that the world consists of the energy that is curiosity and wonder and positive vibrations. Yet it seemed impossible to share these ideas with my family but I felt I wanted to share these ideas.
<br>
<br>
Then my brother came home from his date and it was around 2 a.m. He was calling me on my phone nonstop and texting me and I felt that he was angry because he didn't know where I was. That was sending me into a negative mental space and I started feeling scared that somehow what I was doing was wrong so I finally just texted him and spilled the beans and just said look I need you to be understanding I am just outside tripping I'm ok don't worry. I felt better after telling him but at the same time I knew he was going to judge me because he thinks tripping destroys your brain and it's sinful and evil and bad for your body. I knew he wasn't going to be supportive but I felt all I could do was be honest and try not to get too tangled into what he was thinking about it.
<br>
<br>
Eventually around 4 a.m. I felt I had already peaked and I was listening to a live track of St. Stephen into Not Fade Away back into St. Stephen and was getting blown away by Jerry and noticed I couldn't see any more stars in the sky, some pink clouds had floated over. I realized my parents would be getting up for work soon and I would have to finish the trip in my room with my brother. I also needed to charge my Ipod because it was dying on me so I burned some sage chanted a quick Harekrishna mantra, and headed inside. My brother was tossing and turning in bed when I got back in, I turned on my computer and listened to some music on there while my Ipod charged. I was still seeing complex fractals everywhere but when I looked in the mirror my pupils didn't seem that dilated. I still seemed to be tripping but at times I wasn't sure and thought it was over then the next minute I'd be still in it. Eventually I fell asleep at around 8 a.m. Still listening to music. I slept about 4 hours and woke up feeling well but I could tell my brother was in a bad mood. I went outside it was a bright and sunny day I played guitar and sang for a couple of hours and felt good and happy and positive.
<br>
<br>
Then when I went back inside my brother tried starting an argument with me about how tripping is bad for your brain because it makes you anti-social and that it's just not good and something I shouldn't be doing. I could feel so much negative energy coming from him, I told him he didn't really know what he was talking about and told him I was fine and didn't do it for fun, and it wasn't something I was going to be doing all the time. He tried to remain stern and unrelenting and kept trying to lecture me about how I was sinning and that it was evil and all this stuff. I felt it would be useless to try and explain my experience to him, he seemed to not understand or be willing to understand. I said I was careful about it and repeated that I wasn't going to be doing it all the time that all I was doing was sitting outside and looking at the stars but it didn't make any sense to him why someone would want to sit outside and look at the stars. He just said you don't need that, you're already too fucked up and that shit is just going to fuck you up even more.
<br>
<br>
I just said thanks for your concern and tried to essentially say let's just agree to disagree on this topic. He said he would keep it to himself and at that point I knew the experience of seeing goodness in the world and feeling the energy that is life was something he was not going to accept. I tried to place his ideas in a wider context and realized there's a lot of people in the world who are afraid of philosophy, afraid of sitting outside and looking at the stars and thinking about their life. Then I thought about how all the ego does is hold on to what it thinks the self is or the world is. I realized chaos is actually just holding on to everything and when you let go that's when you realize life is essentially sacred and there's no reason to be holding on. I felt my brother was holding on, his ego was holding on to everything that he thought was right and true, I knew he was afraid to let go, that his anger about me tripping was that he was just afraid. I felt sorry for him. It seemed to me that in order to let go we have to trust simple imperfections. Perhaps all of life is a simple imperfection, we get old, we die, that scenario is less than perfect but instead of being angry at that imperfection maybe we have to let go what we think perfection is and just trust that simple imperfections are natural.
<br>
<br>
<span class="erowid-warning">[Erowid Note:
A substance(s) in this report might be identified incorrectly. Erowid reviewers question the author's identification of the drug described. Although the report is included in the collection, the substance might be something other than the author believed it to be.]</span><!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2012</td><td width="90">ExpID: 97679</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 25</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 11, 2022</td><td>Views: 608</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=97679&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=97679&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Alone (16), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">Repeated hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(flowers)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">120 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
It all started out with 2 hits of blotter and a few close friends. J and I had decided to take acid that night at his house with our friends M, C, and W sitting. We were at J’s house with relatively no outside contact, which later disturbed me greatly. We ate the paper at about 9:20 PM.
<br>
<br>
T+0:00 J and I took our hits and sat down to watch a movie while we waited for the come up. As we felt the effects starting to come on, J and I were intensely speedy and had a hard time focusing on the movie. We decided to go outside and some a bit of sheesha in my friend’s hookah. We rolled a joint as the hookah hose went around in a circle, and that’s when the effects took place.
<br>
<br>
T+1:00 After the joint had been burnt to the ends, the world started to become frames. The frames reminded me from the art style of the movie A Scanner Darkly and how the faces and objects were always shifting and slightly off-center. The metal ceiling began to warp and ripple. My friends who could not indulge in the little white delights had decided to start drinking, which quickly escalated into a disturbing and odd situation.
<br>
<br>
T+1:30 We sat around the hookah for another bowl, and at this point, J is starting to get agitated by the complexity of the trip (it was his first one) and the rowdiness of our friends. Faces are becoming extremely warped at this point and always changing, which I cannot tell if its because they are intoxicated or just my vision. At this point patterns start appearing. The patterns started out as four simple triangles pointing into each other, and I saw these patterns appear on almost every surface I concentrated on including behind my eyelids. Our friend J2 stopped by to pick up a few things, and it was good to see him because he has had a lot of experiences with psychedelics. Although he only stayed briefly, he said he might stop by later which oddly never happened.
<br>
<br>
T+2:00 Our friends are beginning to become a bit more rowdy, and M decides to put in the RX Bandits in the stereo. At first the noise was uncomfortably loud, even outside the house, but the peak was approaching and I didn’t want to be around so many people in the humid weather. I walked inside and lied down in front of the TV that was music was playing in. I have never been a huge RX Bandits fan, but the CD caused my world to be turned to mush. As I stared at the TV and listened to the ska beats, the entire world started to shift in a circular warping pattern. Everything became nothing as the music drew me in. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">As I stared at the TV and listened to the ska beats, the entire world started to shift in a circular warping pattern. Everything became nothing as the music drew me in.</div></div> The floor began to rise in almost a starfish-textured pattern as the music became more intense. After a few long minutes of absorption, I returned outside to the hookah table to share a bowl with my close friends out of my brand new piece, Nautilus.
<br>
<br>
T+2:30 Everything is changing. J’s bonsai tree is constantly shifting in what seems to be different stages of its life. After the bowl, I am starting to see intense tracers from movement and I put in my Ipod and listen to Botanical Dimensions by Shpongle. I have never heard a more beautiful musical group than Shpongle when in the altered states of mind. The tribal feel of the song adds an intense soundtrack to the chaos of intoxicated people trying to smoke and repack a hookah. Everything in moving, and nothing is the same.
<br>
<br>
T+3:00 When I walk inside I realize that the floor was not just decorated in the triangular patterns I had been seeing but the pattern almost showed four faces of lions pointing towards each other. We decide to put in The Labyrinth. J and I decide to sit the beginning out as he doesn’t feel like he could handle the intense intro. I walk upstairs with my Ipod in my ears and sit on my friend’s bed and put on Divine Moments of Truth by Shpongle. As the tribal beat flowed into my ears, I could feel the intensity of the instrumentals in every cell of my body. I started to rock with the beat in a swaying motion, and as I did so, the entire room went with me. His walls became warped as if I was rocking in the bottom of a huge parabola. Every second of the song, the warping became more and more intense. After the song was over I walked outside and sat at the top of the staircase. I listened to White Rabbit by Jefferson Starship Airplane (a song I never really cared for) until that night. I had read about Hunter S. Thompson’s account of the lawyer’s bad trip and his need to die at the peak of White Rabbit. After the song had finished and my world had settled down from the intense warping, I completely understood why the attorney needed that song and the effect it had on him.
<br>
<br>
T+3:30 J and I go up to his room and he puts on a song by Mogwai which is nothing but an intense crescendo. We stare a painting of the most beautiful, colorful landscape I have ever seen. As the song becomes more and more intense, the painting is growing and growing. By the end of the song, I felt like I was about to hit the painting with my face even though I had not moved the entire time. After the song finishes, J and I attempt to go downstairs and communicate with our friends and try to watch the movie.
<br>
<br>
T+4:00 The peak is certainly over at this point, but visual hallucinations are still most definitely present. J and I try to describe our experience for our rather intoxicated friends, but we find ourselves in an aura that does not allow us to convey our feelings to theirs. Everyone’s mind is somewhere else, and J and I are simply trying to keep everyone happy and create as little conflict as possible. We sit down to watch a bit of labyrinth which sends my visual hallucinations back into full gear with its absurd situations. After awhile I become distracted, and I go into the kitchen and talk to my friends M for a good bit.
<br>
<br>
T+5:00 At this point most of our friends are slowly drifting asleep, but there is something that disturbs me greatly. The entire night I had not left the house, and besides seeing J2, I had not had any contact with the outside world. I had been trying to get a hold of a good friend of mine through text messages, but she had already fallen asleep. It was very odd that she would not respond at the time, and this led me to believe that we were in a surreal reality that no one could get in or out; much like the auras we used to explain to our friends.
<br>
<br>
T+5:30 J and I put in the movie Brick in order to calm down and try and end this heinous night. Although visual hallucinations had calmed down a lot, the intensity of the acting and plot of Brick was by far one of the most emotional experiences of my life. Whenever the characters would find themselves in a heated argument, I felt my body being pressed into the ground as if I could physically feel their emotion. Everything about the movie was amazing and I truly realized how much of a work of art it really was.
<br>
<br>
T+7:00 After the movie ended, I was physically exhausted by the intense movie and just wanted to go to sleep. This does not mark the end of my trip, but it certainly does mark the end of my willingness to trip. For the next few hours I tried to go to sleep, which proved to be rather unsuccessful for another few hours.
<br>
<br>
Confusing but Astonishing.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2008</td><td width="90">ExpID: 73948</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 14, 2022</td><td>Views: 680</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=73948&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=73948&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">Cannabis (1), LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Music Discussion (22), Glowing Experiences (4), Difficult Experiences (5), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 g</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">83 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Reconnecting With Reality
<br>
<br>
This is the first experience report I write although I've read many. I've been a psychonaut for quite some time and I figured that the story might be interesting for others as well.
<br>
<br>
Set and Setting
<br>
<br>
Once a year we travel to the edge of civilization with a group of close friends and have a trip in the forest. This time we went to a truly amazing place: one of the last remaining old-growth forests in the country where we live. We rented a small mountain cottage that overlooks the forest (and the valley below). The place is simple, but it is perfect for our purposes, and it also has two stories (with two balconies). After we spent a night there we set off the next morning. We walked for a while till we left the town then we decided to start the trip under the shade of an old and twisted tree. I took 2 tabs, one of my friends took 1.5, and the third one ate mushrooms. Our fourth friend was there to tripsit us.
<br>
<br>
The Chromatic Forest
<br>
<br>
After we left the old tree, we found the path that we were looking for (we planned it in advance): one that goes up a hill. I've learned in the past that if there is a moderate amount of exertion (climbing) then the visuals are a bit dampened. This time the first thing I noticed is that everything became hilarious. There were no visuals, but we all started laughing about really mundane things. There was a huge rain the previous day and everything was full of mushrooms, and also small bugs. Every time we found either (a bug or mushroom) we started making jokes about them and laughed. As we went deeper into the forest I noticed that the path started to have a chromatic aberration effect. This is usually something that I experience during the ramp-up phase (and sometimes it doesn't go beyond that).
<br>
<br>
As we kept walking we started talking about food. We didn't eat much in the morning and I always bring comfort food (and not much else). This time I had fruit puree pouches, muesli bars dipped in chocolate, energy drinks, and protein bars. I remember that I brought one that had pistachio flavoring because I was curious about it and one of my friends really liked it. - This became a meme during the trip as the pistachio bar was being passed around. - One of my friends suggested taking a bite of something so I opened my bag and took the first thing that I found in it: a muesli bar dipped in white chocolate. "Try it" he said as if he knew something. As soon as I took a bite I felt a flavor explosion in my mouth. The sweetness was so overwhelming that I was barely able to eat the bar, in fact, I kept holding it for a very long time sometimes putting it in a pocket just to get it out later to take a bite. I started laughing like a maniac while my friend said "Right?". I said "Right" while I could barely contain myself.
<br>
<br>
At this point, I noted that no matter how high I am my legs still work automatically. This made them laugh again. Our laughter echoed through the forest. Just as I was listening to the echo I noticed that the path changed. It was a dirt path with lots of small pebbles on it. I realized that as I was looking at it the color changed from brown to white...then to yellow, and orange. As I progressed I started to see bands of colors perpendicular to my view. The sequence followed the colors of the rainbow. I became engulfed by these amazing colors and when I looked up to mention this to the others I realized that the whole forest is composed of weird objects all having the previously mentioned chromatic aberration effect. Funnily enough, the trees remained regular trees, but the other smaller plans became elongated and at the edges, they had small round shapes, like eyes.
<br>
<br>
Pistachio Shrooms (interlude)
<br>
<br>
Eventually, we arrived at a slope that led deeper into the forest and there was a small path to our right that didn't lead anywhere. We decided to take a look. As we were exploring the area I noticed small brown stones on the ground. I looked closely at them and I realized that they were mushrooms. "Stealth shrooms." one of my friends said. He picked one and took a look at it. It was brown at the top and light green at the bottom and the bottom of its cap looked like a sponge! (they were porcini mushrooms) We started joking about the similarities between the pistachio protein bar and the mushrooms. Somebody said that maybe their taste is similar too, but we didn't take a bite as nobody knew whether they were edible or not. We also found some other weird shrooms (parasol, coral, and some others) and stayed there for a while as we examined them. Then we finally decided to go back to the path and continue our journey...
<br>
<br>
Crossroads
<br>
<br>
At this point, I could barely contain myself. I was either laughing manically about something totally mundane, staring at the rainbow stripes, or munching something from my bag. We arrived at an abandoned house where the path split. We were just contemplating whether we should go right or left when we heard that a car was coming. My friends hid behind the house but for some reason, I stayed there. It was an SUV with 3 guys in it. They stopped and asked for directions...at least I think that's what they asked. The guy sitting next to the driver looked at me in a weird way and I suddenly had this thought that they are either poachers or police agents in disguise. They asked where they can get out of the forest as they are lost. This didn't make sense to me and it seemed like a question that they only asked to gauge whether I can talk properly or not. I tried to focus as hard as I could and told them to keep going up (even though I didn't remember where that road would take them). Then my friend arrived and helped me talk us out of this. They left and I was a bit puzzled, and a little bit soberer. After a few moments, I noticed that the abandoned building had really weird colors. It looked as if it had camouflage colors applied to it. I tried to get into the house, but it was locked. Then we decided to go left.
<br>
<br>
Enter the Valley
<br>
<br>
To our amazement, the long and winding road led us up to an amazingly huge valley that had long grass and a few trees. It was surrounded by the forest, and we could see the hilltops around us. The road led further up and out of the valley. As we came out of the forest we saw sunlight and I felt the warm wind blow against my face. It felt as if a great weight was lifted from my shoulders and I became euphoric. The area looked as if it was cut out from a fairy tale.
<br>
<br>
The road in front of us was long and relatively straight and we started going through the valley. I just noticed that even though we're walking we're not making progress. The road seemed to become longer and longer as we were trying to get to the other side so we decided to wander off of it to the left and make a small camp instead.
<br>
<br>
The Camp
<br>
<br>
We brought a huge blanket with us and we rolled it out like a carpet and sat on it. Everybody put their bags down and started to look around the area. Next to us was the forest on the left, and the road on our right (that we were walking on up until now).
<br>
<br>
Just as I put my bag down I realized that there was something in my pocket. It was a fruit puree that I prepared for myself a while ago. I left it there because I knew that I'll forget about it quickly and I'd be surprised (and happy) to find it later. We talked about this with one of my friends and we discussed how fun it is to leave things for future you to discover.
<br>
<br>
I stood up. I realized that I chose the right clothes for the environment as my pants and my jumper were really comfortable. I had one problem though: the wind was blowing and I started to feel the cold so I put on a hat (I kept putting this hat on and off as it was either too hot or too cold.)...then as I was listening to the wind I noticed that it wasn't the wind, but a machine of some sort that emitted this throbbing or pulsating sound. As I was looking for the source of the sound I figured out that it is reality itself that's pulsating and each pulse is in fact a new "frame" of reality. The whole world started to slow down around me as I was concentrating on the sound of the "reality machine". I listened to it for a very long time and I discovered that the frequency is changing. Sometimes it was very fast, then it started to slowly wind down, just to go back up a few moments later. I turned around and one of my friends said "You wanted to take a piss". I remembered that I talked about this at some point so I turned and started walking towards the forest...then I totally forgot what I wanted to do and pulled out another muesli bar instead and started chewing. Just as my memory ceased to exist one of my friends came to me and said "Let's go".
<br>
<br>
First Contact
<br>
<br>
I went to the trees and stood there for a while. My friend sat down. I knew that this was a peak experience for him as he always withdraws and sits down somewhere so I let him be. I walked to a tree that looked really interesting. It was in fact two trees that were twisted around each other. They looked like a double helix. I suddenly felt an urge to touch it. The muesli bar was gone. Just as I was getting closer to the tree things in my field of view started to change. The surfaces started to twist into a fractal shape and they started moving, imploding into themselves. I usually see colorful shapes, and recursive fractals, but this time there were few extra colors, and the 3 dimensions of space became distorted. I knew that if I touched that tree something significant will happen.
<br>
<br>
I reached out and put my palm on the tree. What I felt was really hard to put into words. All my senses became overloaded with sensory data. Feelings, images, memories. The depth of it was impossible to fathom. It was like an immense flash of light infused with experiences gathered through hundreds of years. At that point, I wasn't sure what "I" meant anymore. As I tried to calm myself down and tried to interpret what was happening I realized that I'm no longer me, but I'm part of something. I felt the wind blowing through the branches of the tree, and I also felt as if I was moved by it. I was the tree, but I was also myself at the same time. The lines of "meness" became blurry while I was trying to figure out how to define myself. I felt a connection to all the things around me including the tree, the neighboring trees, all the small animals scurrying under the leaves, and even the wind itself. I(we) were curious but also exhausted from the exchange. I(we) also felt sadness and harmony at the same time. I couldn't figure out where these feelings were coming from, but I wanted to understand them. My trip just became a mission (or a trial if you will) to figure out what just happened. Just as I was thinking about this I became me again and I withdrew my hand. I stood there for a few moments then I reached out with both hands.
<br>
<br>
This time I felt something similar. It was like some sort of primordial energy was flowing through me. I could tap into it and when I did I saw images and felt things that I couldn't interpret. I was shaking a bit as I was struggling with the sensory overload. Then suddenly I became calm, and something switched. Even though my eyes were closed I saw the trees around me, but they were made of pure technicolor energy. All the small details were gone, and I was part of this glorious living thing. My ego disappeared again and I felt the same harmony as before. I knew that there is something that I need to learn but I wasn't sure what it was. I opened my eyes and stepped away from the tree. My friend was gone so I decided to go back to the camp (and take that piss I really had to).
<br>
<br>
Overload
<br>
<br>
After I came out of the forest and back into the Camp I found my friends there talking about something. I reached for my bag and took out a t-shirt so that I can see what other foods are still there. At this point, somebody gave me the pistachio-flavored protein bar. I suddenly felt incapable of managing the things I was trying to do as if the task queue in my brain just disappeared. I felt that I'm incapable of doing anything that a regular human has to do like eating, holding onto objects, or talking. All these concepts felt alien to me. All these previously mundane things became a struggle. Luckily one of my friends realized this and put my things back in my bag. I was overjoyed with this newfound freedom and started laughing. I looked at the clouds and they seemed to be continuously spinning around like a kaleidoscope. People started talking around me and I started to become frustrated. I wasn't able to talk and I couldn't withstand other people talking. I stood up and walked away so that I don't have to listen. The "reality engine" came back and I started to see waves of frames in my field of view. I wandered aimlessly and I sometimes crouched to examine plants or small animals.
<br>
<br>
After a while, one of my friends came to me and I suddenly felt relatively normal again. The peak has passed and I was ready to move on and look for the answers to the tree enigma. We went back to the road and started strolling towards the far end. After a while, we went off the road again, to the right and my friends went into the forest. I just stood there gazing at the meadow.
<br>
<br>
On the Hunt (interlude)
<br>
<br>
As I stood next to the road I felt connected again. I didn't touch anything but suddenly I had a keen sense of smell, and I was able to hear my friends moving in the forest. They were very far away. I felt like an animal, a hunter that was stalking its prey. I started moving towards the forest silently. I was able to hear what they were talking about even though they were far away. I was also able to smell them. As I got closer to them I was prowling in the bushes so that they wouldn't notice my approach. I then walked out to the path where they were and suddenly the animalness was gone, and I reconnected with the group.
<br>
<br>
The Choir of Trees
<br>
<br>
We came out of the forest and back into the meadow. As I looked left I saw a small plateau. At the closest edge of it, there was a pair of trees. We went there to check them out. I touched both and I practiced connecting to them. I again felt the unfathomable depth, but this time it wasn't as intense as before. My friends stayed there as I walked up to the plateau. I looked around and I saw tall trees in a circle around it. I was standing at the focal point. The wind died down, and the reality machine ceased to pulsate. It was silence. I focused on each tree one by one and I felt that they have something to say to me. The sounds became distorted as if I was in a cave. I heard birds and other animals moving around those trees, and I also heard the trees themselves...talking. I couldn't understand what they were saying but it felt as if they were trying to communicate with me. It sounded as if heavy objects were hitting the bark of the trees in quick succession repeatedly. I stood there for a very long time and I again felt a connection, but this time it was distant and dim and it also had an eerie vibe around it may be because of how my hearing changed. Unable to interpret the events I turned around and went back to my friends.
<br>
<br>
Exploring the Two Towers
<br>
<br>
As I approached them I saw that they were looking around in amazement. One of them told me "Take a look" as he was pointing to the distance. I looked at it and the whole forest started to move. The trees changed their shape and I saw them as fractals. Their canopies moved faster than the parts below them. I looked around the valley from left to right and I saw all of them moving in unison. They were dancing to the tune of the reality machine. I spotted two huge trees that stood next to each other. One was broken in half, but the other one seemed intact. We decided to check them out.
<br>
<br>
When we arrived at the trees we saw that the other one that looked OK from the distance was damaged. It was covered in fungus and other parasites. The other tree looked as if it was hit by lightning and its parts were scattered in the dirt. The trees were much taller than all the rest and the whole thing looked as if some external force decided that they were becoming too tall. Just as I was looking at the remains I saw some man-made structures in the distance. I went closer and looked around. There was a circle of trees around the structures and one of them stood out. I touched it and I felt the connection yet again, but this time there was some sort of communication. Suddenly a thought struck me. What if the default state of humans is connectedness and harmony with nature? What if we were meant to be the guides for all the plants and creatures? It seems that at some point we chose technology over this and lost our ability to be connected to the rest of the natural world. I never thought about this possibility before and I was happy that I learned something new. Every trip is a learning opportunity, and now my mission was complete. As I was contemplating the implications of my discovery one of my friends said that we should go back to our house as our sitter has to go home before it gets dark, so we turned around and went back to the road.
<br>
<br>
Giger Forest
<br>
<br>
The rest of the trip was relatively uneventful, but as we walked back (on another road) we observed some trees that looked horrendous. Some of them were struck by lightning, some were just so old and frail that I had the feeling that they could topple at any moment. We stopped and observed some of these and one of my friends said that now he understands Giger's artwork. He must have gathered some inspiration from trees like these: even though they are half-dead they still cling to life and try to get the most out of the unfortunate situation. There was one that toppled, but its roots were still in the ground and it grew new branches from the sides. Some of the dead parts were overgrown by mushrooms, and the whole thing looked like a painting made by Giger.
<br>
<br>
Unwind in Technicolor
<br>
<br>
As we were getting closer to the house I resumed staring at the ground and the technicolor rainbow path returned. By the time we got back, everything else had this weird coloring effect, but the trees stopped moving, and I stopped seeing the fractals too. We sat down at the table and the world settled to a resting state just as I did.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2022</td><td width="90">ExpID: 116711</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 36</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 16, 2022</td><td>Views: 524</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=116711&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=116711&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Cannabis (1) : Nature / Outdoors (23), General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
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<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">insufflated</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/cocaine/">Cocaine</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 - 3 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 5:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">110 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Last year my life has changed considerably and I have been busy focusing on the subjects of ego and at times fighting it in myself or others. I came back to my home country for Christmas and didn't socialize much, every reunion with friends made it seem like they cannot comprehend my current state of affairs. I decided to spend a New Years Eve all by myself in my big and well equipped attic room and set up some goals for next year, meditate on my reality and ask the invisible forces to teach me to focus. My friend (let’s call him Ken) who has been around for many years asked if he can come with his girlfriend (let’s call her Barbie) for two hours. I didn't think they would affect my trip and invited them readily.
<br>
<br>
Throughout the day I had sniffed 3 mini lumps of coke (one small line altogether) to finish my carpentry project faster and smoked 2-3 hits of cannabis sativa. Last time I smoked and dosed around 8:30 and prepared my space for a eventful night.
<br>
<br>
Around 9:30 I dropped the first tab and started drawing. I was still working, feeling excited and giddy when Ken and Barbie arrived around 11. I invited them to draw, but the only piece of paper I could find was a pencil sketch of my self portrait from years ago. They decided to work on the existing structure instead of drawing something new and I joined in, covering the surface with tangled thin lines, looking like blood vessels or nerves. Each one had a specific style but I was the only one who reached further and further, covering with my tangles whatever they colored. I didn’t see anything wrong in it and they didn’t express their opposition. I pointed out that our energies and world views translate onto paper, but Ken immediately opposed it, saying it’s random. I didn’t feel like fighting for it, especially since if I only left their company I would get lost in a world of colors and subtle hallucinations which I preferred to his dominant, male and square energy. None of them acknowledged that I was tripping and treated me in any special way. We barely noticed midnight and wished each other good year which left me with a cynical aftertaste. My sister whom I consider to live in denial in shallow waters came up with her phantom, awkward boyfriend and the four of them gathered around the drawing while I was cringing like a chimp in front of the computer. I didn’t like their official, boring vibe. I invited them to draw (they were officious and reluctant, didn’t want to interfere, blah blah yadda yadda) and the way they all communicated with each other made me sad. Why were they all so happy to act like boring old people? I was aware that my normal life far away from this country was much more wild and weird, which none of them even wanted to be. Their existence around me made me think of myself as a spoilt child and them as my toys.
<br>
<br>
My sister and her shadow left and I realized that Ken’s presence has a very square, forever organizing energy. He took away my focus and changed the mood in the room. It was not fascinating and magic anymore, it was a big square. I saw how he had always been like that (square only intensifying with age) and that my style was thin tangled lines, surrounding his squareness as it proceeded steadily, trying to put everything in his order. I observed the couple drawing and pointed out things about their style, feeling like their therapist, but they didn’t want to pick up the ball and open themselves up. I felt that they were closed tight and my ways didn’t work with them. I tried few things like movement, dance, but their grey shallow vibe didn’t inspire me. They smoked some weed and I gave them wine, hoping to make them relax into wilderness. I was taking photos of them trying to see what I wanted to see but I always saw squares, inability to open, to be flexible. Was it only them or me as well? I admit I couldn’t even remember my techniques of opening people, I was feeling unsuccessful, the colors were pastel and dull. Ken, met my comments and remarks awakening his inner ape, primal male ego. I saw a monkey in his actions, aware of losing his influence and one of his females breaking out of his square which was dangerous for Barbie, his mate who was observing me from her submissive position, craving for more expression. I took some photos of the ape exposed and he wasn’t happy. We fought for the camera and I let go, he deleted them.
<br>
<br>
I realized I was in a strange state of mind and those things happening were not what I wanted. I started dressing Barbie up and taking photos of her while Ken was observing like an owner. I realized the weird masquerade to please males. How I am also his female, for many years spending time together and now I take upon myself the role of a stylist of his treasure, the meek, docile, submissive, beautiful Barbie. She had no power in her, expressed no original thoughts that would oppose his, so she became a mannequin. She did things I asked her to do, but always looked at him for permission and I lost interest in her very quickly. If I only had her on my own! Ken the warden was always around, observing and squarely approving or disapproving.
<br>
<br>
Around 2am the vibe was still the same and I took another tab of acid, looking for the depth I was missing. I wanted them to leave, but it all felt like a mess. I wanted to solve this, to create a breakthrough, something to blow up and people to open themselves, but I was stuck in shallow water, in the despair of inertia, no growth. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I wanted to solve this, to create a breakthrough, something to blow up and people to open themselves, but I was stuck in shallow water, in the despair of inertia, no growth.</div></div> Ken looked like he wanted to communicate with me, but all he did was defend himself. He didn’t think that a psychedelic trip reveals any truths – it’s all enlargement of a random moment, fleeting element. In his square world there is no place for magic and he doesn’t appreciate my style anymore – style that is forever searching for depth and meaning, while he built a very functional square structure. We grew up to focus differently and our worlds have a very slight chance of coexisting. Any question that would risk penetrating his square into greater depth was left unanswered or thrown back at me. There was no feeling of love or communication, although I could see him saddened and trying to understand or communicate with my world – he simply couldn’t. He considered a change in him but didn’t see a point in revealing to me his primal, shifting self. Every time he defended himself I saw the square, every time almost convincing me. It’s easy to follow the square. I saw them as my dolls that I didn’t know how to play with, scattered around the floor, not happy, painfully sane, not how I wanted them to be. I want people to express themselves beyond norms. They left around 4, after another heavy talk that again didn’t open anything.
<br>
<br>
I came to my kingdom feeling defeated and tried hard to change my point of view, but even though reality was splitting in front of my eyes into tiny pixels I could move and rearrange with my finger, there was no driving force, no light, no feeling of growth.
<br>
<br>
I called my man who lives on the other side of the globe. His baseline personality thinks in a very psychedelic way, always aware of the matrix, his hidden agenda to break out of it so he quickly tapped into my frequency. I expected him to entertain me, change my mood, help me make it different and he readily played along, but very quickly I would see the masquerade, multitude of things we can do with another human on the phone, roles we can play to fill up the empty space of matrix, rearranging our consciousness and atoms to influence others. When there’s nothing piercing the structure into the greater depth, nothing lost and separated how can anything new be created? Now and then I would get lost in the colors of the drawing I was admiring, aimlessly moving the colors and depths. Long silence on the phone, when I knew the futility of my trip as long as I stay the observer. He was telling me about growth, always growing, his driving force and I would see impossible landscapes full of greenery sprouting into life, exciting, new and beautiful, although still squarely turning inside the matrix-square. He understood me, because he knew the square very well and wanted to break through it. Locked in this computer-like game interface I was craving primal, warm familiarity, love, closeness, but whenever he acted it out for me it seemed fake. Everything was fake, built of lumps of the same stuff. Nothing was satisfying. After a long talk that slowly took the stagnant qualities of my trip I decided to hang up and focus on myself. I was not able to create a positive change with another person, even with the ego fighter I value so much. Problem has to lie within me.
<br>
<br>
I wasn’t connected into anything bigger, but stranded in a game where nothing happens anymore. I searched for god, for light to direct me and drive me and started listening to “Science of being great” by W.D. Wattles which is my habit to program myself into growing a strong structure of principles that I believe I am lacking. I sat upright observing my surroundings. Things. Made of little things, tiny atoms. My reality was vast and empty like an atom. I want something so I live, work and move. No matter what they are made of they are still in here, part of the square. The book sounded like it was a salesman, pushing to me a very attractive worldview – the driving force and light are mine if I only want them and apply changes in my thinking. I was trying to focus on gratitude but in my vibration it was not conceivable. Seeing things around me – my paintings, a big map of the world, hearing the reassuring voice of a salesman, I saw my personality projected onto the 3d canvas and I knew it was a point to check and reset my life programs. I could see all the programs I was running – doing no harm, looking for depth, obeying the male, indulging in expression, escape from being normal and boring. The book was programming me to want certain things and following the words I noticed how it makes it impossible to leave the square, the game matrix. However positive and growth promoting, this could be exactly what we listen to submerged in our incubators in “Matrix”, priming us so skillfully that we never notice we are in it. I followed one desire and fear after another, to and fro, and couldn’t conceive of what could be beyond. I was trapped in this empty atom of the game, aware of the thin lines I have built that hide nothing, no principles, no light. Just empty space I can furnish with beliefs. What I want and fear creates my life and is the only driving force. But my ship is big enough to have more power, a bigger light driving it.
<br>
<br>
Things were glowing and unreal, if I looked at them closer I would see more visual depth, splitting into impossible images, but instead of fooling myself with trippy patterns I chose the overview. I listened to some music but my mood was lacking warm cheer and inspiration I had been hoping for. Searching for the driving force in the song lyrics I realized it is only praising and describing itself and it can be as fake as everything else. If the artist believes in it, it will be well received. I made some line drawings I didn’t like and went to bed around 7am, feeling troubled and concussed. I howled like a wolf and understood why they do it, the primal scream of being locked and craving to know more. I wanted to scream “Fuck the square” but I knew I am a part of it and it is within me. The square is always there, the matrix we exist in is very shallow. It’s for us to discover and build a deeper thought structure which will prepare a deeper truth to emerge for next generations. As I lay there I was thinking about changing my patterns. Be more piercing, turn the square around. Whenever I meet the square I will know it and the only way to change it is right through it. You can never move things as long as you stay an observer. What lies beneath?<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2015</td><td width="90">ExpID: 107657</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 25</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 22, 2022</td><td>Views: 905</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=107657&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=107657&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Cannabis (1), Cocaine (13) : Combinations (3), General (1), Various (28)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">115 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Just over 6 weeks ago, I had the most life changing experience of my life. It was around 9pm, and my roommate was out with friends; meaning I had the place to myself. I had taken LSD a handful of times (with and without others/sitters) and had incredibly positive experiences and thought that tonight would be no different.
<br>
<br>
Let me preface that I am an intensely strong believer in the idea of intentions for tripping. Basically, if you take a substance with specific intentions, your trip will reflect those intentions. It's kind of like set and setting but a little different.
<br>
<br>
Anyways, I had recently had a strong psychological trip a month prior and wanted to see more. I wanted to seek out the truths of consciousness and the universe. So with my intentions clear, I took the blotter paper and stuck it underneath my tongue, waiting for the effects to kick in. I always clean my apartment and fast before a trip, for anyone curious.
<br>
<br>
T+30 minutes after taking the acid, I was sitting in a phone call with a friend and just talking. It started as small stomach aches and tightness of the skin. Gradually, it felt as if I could feel all my organs working inside of me. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">It started as small stomach aches and tightness of the skin. Gradually, it felt as if I could feel all my organs working inside of me.</div></div> I could feel my stomach churning and contracting. I decided I should lay down and just try to relax. So, I hung up the phone and did just that, laying on my bed.
<br>
<br>
The discomfort only grew in intensity. I was practically wailing in pain from the feeling of my body getting tighter and tighter, like my skin was getting stretched across my bones. The thought had crossed my mind that I had taken LSA or NBOME, as LSD had never caused feelings this uncomfortable before.
<br>
<br>
I called someone more experienced with drugs than myself; a close friend at the time. I explained the situation and the pains. He assured me it was just acid, and told me to calm down, the normal stuff.
<br>
<br>
Finally he said, "Just lay down and try to enjoy your visuals." I was going to say I didn't have any visuals, when I looked up at my room. My eyes practically shot open when I admired the extensive fractalizations covering my room. The lights made my room look like a stellar supernova of colors and textures layered over my room. I watched in awe for a few minutes before the trip turned sinister.
<br>
<br>
With each breath I took, it felt like the world was getting smaller and smaller. My anxiety was steadily growing, and I was trying to explain my thoughts to my friend. He continued the "you're just high" lines no matter what I said. The more and more we talked, the more it felt like he wasn't even real, and that I was experiencing a charade or practical joke; and I was the punch line.
<br>
<br>
This feeling persisted, and soon I was overcome by the idea that something was very very wrong, out of place, or that something horrible was about to happen. I relayed this to my friend, who unsurprisingly said "you're just high" and this was the beginning of a very very dangerous thought loop I got caught in.
<br>
<br>
"S" I said "You need to be absolutely deadly serious with me right now." I said it like I was about to die, because it felt like I was. "If you were part of some cosmic facade, and this life wasn't real, and you were in on it, would you tell me?"
<br>
<br>
He reacted somewhat neutrally. "Idk, man. You're just high and need to chill out." He said.
<br>
<br>
I maintained my composure as best as I could, under the circumstances I believed this was true. I reiterated the severity of my seriousness. "S, if you are lying or fucking with me right now, I swear I will steal a car, take my gun and drive to your house to kill you." I said.
<br>
<br>
Without much hesitation, "I'm not fucking with you, you're just high." He said, and this did me in.
<br>
<br>
After those words, I was convinced of my suspicions, and felt as though I was just the universe's laughing stock. Like my whole life was a joke and everyone I interacted with on a day to day basis was in on it, and knew all my thoughts at all times, every second I was alive. It felt like everyone in the world was watching me and laughing at me through this screen I couldn't see, and it sent me into this crazed state of crying and trying to just turn off the high.
<br>
<br>
I told myself I just need to go to sleep and that when I wake up everything would go back to normal. I got ready to do just that when the intrusive thoughts came. I started to question if anything at all was real, and a voice inside my head just kept replaying the sound of my own distorted voice saying "is this real?" In a mocking tone inside my head. Horrible imagery soon followed. Every time I looked in my room, or out into the hall, I imagined a monster or a demon would scoop me up and take me away and do horrible things like torture or rape me. It felt like the acid was alive and conscious, and was telling me that I am stuck with it forever. I was scared the nightmare wouldn't end, and I was never going to be sober again.
<br>
<br>
To try and escape my thoughts, I walked out into the hallway and barged into my roommate's room. He had come back home and was sleeping during my fiasco. When I barged in, I woke him up and he said I was just speaking garbled nonsense. Like everything was English but all my words were messed up, and I looked half cognizant.
<br>
<br>
He asked if I had taken any drugs, of course in my delirium I admitted yes, and he suggested I lay in bed with him and just try to calm down and sleep it off. I remember getting in the bed and my body just freezing. I couldn't talk, move, I could barely think. It felt like I was paralyzed.
<br>
<br>
I laid there and the thoughts were out of my control. It felt as though my memory was getting worse and worse, like my thoughts were not my own anymore and new memories were being implanted into my brain. My memories got further and further away, until it felt like all that I could remember is that I am being toyed with by a god; and the god was acid. The acid made it so I couldn't remember my thoughts from a second ago, and so I just kept thinking the same thing over and over. I kept asking myself in my head what's happening, what's happening. I was told by my roommate I just kept mumbling garbage the whole night, occasionally saying my name.
<br>
<br>
This I remember, as I was scared that if I didn't keep saying my name I wouldn't remember it anymore. This went on for hours, as the next thing I can recall is it finally beginning to settle down around 5am. I looked at the time on my phone and decided I can finally just sleep it off. Big mistake.
<br>
<br>
Once asleep, after the ordeal I was told I urinated 3 times in the bed while completely unconscious and unresponsive. I went back to saying things in my sleep, horrible things I would never say out loud like "Go get the gun and shoot me in the head, it will make me feel much better" and "fuck me good you stupid n word" and "being god feels horrible" without ever responding to my roommate, who had been awakened by my verbalizations of visions. During this time I kept seeing myself die and get plopped back into a separate world that looked identical to my own, like I had just killed myself and my consciousness was transferring to a new vessel.
<br>
<br>
I saw visions of myself as a baby in open fields from eons ago before humans. Beyond this, I got incredibly intense geometric imagery. One example I remember very clearly was this tesseract shaped die with a myriad of colors covering it being thrown down into a black pit and a colored trail whispering down behind it, almost painting the void. This moment felt like my life was the tesseract and I was throwing it away.
<br>
<br>
The next thing I remember is shooting awake and leaning upright like I had just woken up from a nightmare. I was now laying on the floor. My roommate had moved me but at the time I was unaware.
<br>
<br>
I looked around with the most worrisome and fearful expression. "Where am I?" Of course I recognized that I was still at home with my roommate but something was off. My eyes were absolutely filled with sparkling colors of light that painted my periphery. Everything and everyone had exaggerated features, including myself. I could see long patches of hair extending out from my normally smooth skin. My skin was taught around my bones in my hands.
<br>
<br>
The worst feeling I had was this perpetual feeling of people touching me. It felt like people were groping and grabbing me but I couldn't see or move them. The feeling intensified and persisted and snaked over my whole body. I stood up and waved my hands all around myself like I was swiping feelers away. "Stop touching me" I said, and repeated over and over.
<br>
<br>
This feeling never stopped, and I looked at my roommate who was sitting down across from me. "What's going on…" I said to him, and he looked at me very intently.
<br>
<br>
"You're on Acid, it's a psychoactive substance that you took." The calmness in his voice and sinister tone was only reinforcing the fact that this game I had been playing was still going on. I started freaking out more and more, touching the walls around me and hyperventilating. One of the only more intense feelings than the touching was this psychological attack I was undergoing. Doing anything at all inside my head made me believe the acid knew what I was going to do, and planned for it, and that the decisions I said yes to in this reality affected worlds where I was but couldn't see, and in those worlds someone was taking advantage of my body without me knowing, and that the touching was me feeling those realities.
<br>
<br>
I was convinced all of it was true and I had finally figured it out. So I tried my best not to think at all and to just do things as randomly as possible to throw off the acid in my head. This backfired, as every decision I tried to make made me believe that I really didn't have a choice and that the acid knew everything without exceptions <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">every decision I tried to make made me believe that I really didn't have a choice and that the acid knew everything without exceptions</div></div>.
<br>
<br>
My roommate was just about done with my horrible trip and psychotic behavior, so he said to leave the room but I resisted, as an effort to spite the acid controlling him. He forced me out after I had started wrecking the room even more, and I was now in the living room. The touching just never ended, and eventually I was in for a rude awakening.
<br>
<br>
5 minutes passed and a pair of paramedics walked through my front door, along with some firefighters. They stepped inside and I cowered away from them. My roommate stepped outside of his room and told me he had called them to see if they could fix me. Of course, in my head, I thought that these people were going to make this reality like the others I was feeling, that they were all going to grab me and take me away to a place that no one would hear me scream and take turns defiling my body.
<br>
<br>
Under that impression, I ran to the kitchen and took an empty liquor bottle in one hand as a weapon to defend myself. Everyone exasperatedly yelled at me to drop the bottle. At first I hesitated, but eventually set it down. Quickly they rushed me and grabbed me, holding my hands over my head and pushing me into a gurney where they strapped and bound me. I was kicking, screaming and crying for help the entire time, thinking this horrible nightmare was just starting.
<br>
<br>
They wheeled me into an ambulance and shut the doors. I cried and cried and begged them to let me go but insisted "this was for my own good." They sat in the back with me as I looked for a way free. The female paramedic offered me a stuffed animal exactly like one in my room and it only kept me in my craze. Things all around me continued to change as I looked. ID's on each officer had slight variations each time I looked, names would change, my body would change, like I was just being thrown into a slightly different reality every second.
<br>
<br>
I had arrived at the hospital and had some time to calm down, decompress and rationalize what I had been experiencing. Only then did I realize what I had done. I was kicking and screaming about invisible people and crying about things that didn't exist, acting like a deranged psycho. The doctors gave me anti-anxiety medication and it solidified my comedown. Once I felt mostly back to normal I was checked out with my roommate and sent back home.
<br>
<br>
As I said before, this was about 6 weeks ago. Everyday since this experience I have had horrible anxiety, ego dissolution, panic and anxiety attacks, mental breakdowns and slight physical symptoms similar to the touching phenomenon from the trip. I have been struggling with my normal life, staying social and keeping up with my job; it has not been easy.
<br>
<br>
This trip really messed up my life and the worst part is I still get horribly intense cravings to go back to being high. The feeling that reality is fake and that everyone knows everything about me still haunts me in my daily life. I am going to do my best to stay away from acid as long as I can, but I'm scared my borderline addiction to psychedelic worlds outside of my perception will convince me that being sober is just a facade and that getting high on acid will help me find the truth, only to dive me deeper into this void of insanity.
<br>
<br>
<!-- My main reason for wanting to share this experience is to warn others that acid is something you need to fearfully respect. That stuff can make you crazy in just one bad trip and it can happen to anyone. Even people who have had nothing but positive experiences can be sucked into that darkness.
<br/>
<br/>
Be fucking careful, this stuff can ruin your brain.--><!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2022</td><td width="90">ExpID: 116764</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 21</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Nov 2, 2022</td><td>Views: 646</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=116764&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=116764&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Guides / Sitters (39), Post Trip Problems (8), Bad Trips (6), Alone (16)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.5 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 8:16</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/diazepam/">Pharms - Diazepam</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">140 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
13:17: It's a sunny spring afternoon, and I've decided, somewhat spontaneously, to drop some acid. More than seven months have passed since my first and only previous trip, which was rich but also a little bit harrowing. I don't want this experience to be quite as intense and so I'm doing approximately 65μg instead of 125. Or at least I think I am -- I cut the tab in half, but who knows how evenly the substance is distributed throughout the sheet?
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13:21: As far as my "set" is concerned, low-level anxiety has been simmering all weekend. It was briefly dissipated last night by a couple of bumps of ketamine, but I struggled to get off to sleep. I didn't feel entirely clear-headed when I got up this morning, but the sunlight is a balm. I ate a substantial meal about an hour ago. I haven't had a drink since Friday night.
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<br>
As far as my "setting" is concerned, I'm on my bed, in my room. I don't expect to leave the flat for the duration of the trip.
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<br>
As far as my objectives for this trip are concerned, well, I want to tackle two things. Firstly, my issues with alcohol. And secondly, the question of how to go about regaining my intellectual curiosity.
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<br>
13:29: I hope that I've placed enough beneath my tongue to lift me off baseline, but not so much that I'll be trapped in thought-loops for hours on end, coming to the usual morbid conclusions. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I hope that I've placed enough beneath my tongue to lift me off baseline, but not so much that I'll be trapped in thought-loops for hours on end, coming to the usual morbid conclusions.</div></div>
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13:33: I don't feel anything yet.
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<br>
13:47: It's hard to say whether or not I'm feeling anything. I'm listening to "Source" by Tycho.
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13:54: I put on "Your Love" by The Prodigy and it seems to have unleashed something -- a not unpleasant tautness in my legs.
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14:09: A languour has come over me, but I also feel quite nauseous. There's a pronounced ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach. My head thrums, and I feel warm all of a sudden. This must surely be the prelude to breaking on through. . .
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14:29: I continue to feel nauseous and uneasy.
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<br>
14:47: I am most definitely under the influence. Nausea is still the prevailing sensation, but I feel light on my feet. My legs, both of them in their entirety, are like erogenous zones now. I've paused Music for the Jilted Generation to think. My sense of self is fucked, so I can't understand that -- despite the irony that is this isolation -- my actions have effects on other people. I mean, not many other people, but parents, friends and so on. It's time to shed the negativity if I can.
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14:53: 'I've been drunk most my life, don't ask me why.' Don't ask because there are no reasons -- no good ones, anyway. I need to confront my drinking problem. I think I'm scared that I won't be able to cope without it. I've relied on it in so many ways, in so many situations, and it's true that without it I wouldn't have done, or been able to do, half the shit I always wanted to. But I can't go on as I am. It will bring me and my relationships -- in the broadest sense of that word -- to ruin. What stops me, then, from cutting it out of my life completely? What compels me to go back to it after doing my day or two of penance? I don't know shit about neural pathways -- I can't speak to the stuff that happens behind the scenes. All I can do is look at the evidence of my own behaviour.
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15:01: Do I like myself? What is significant about the way that I would approach that question? I know what is bad in myself, and contemptible, and I live under the assumption that everybody else knows too. The reality is that they don't -- not necessarily -- and that in any case they don't care. But where does that assumption come from? What I definitely don't like about myself is this tendency -- amplified by alcohol -- to overshare. Do I do it because I want to be seen as troubled? Do I do it because my friendships are, in the final analysis, unfulfilling? My friendships! The acid is really seizing hold of my mind now, as must be obvious. I start with the seed of a single thought and end up wanting to pursue a hundred others. The nausea remains. I think it's time I returned to my music, at least for a bit. There are no real visuals to speak of.
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15:13: "Jackie's Daughter". The visuals may be trying to assert themselves now. I'm trying to take on too much here. Relax.
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15:18: "Eat Shiitake Mushrooms": the song that reminds me of the early days of mine and S's 'situationship'. We never quite gelled, S and me, and that is a matter of regret. But I retain a deep and abiding respect for who she is as a person. It verges on admiration -- but admiration from afar. All of a sudden the possibility that there are people out there with whom I might share a greater, more lasting connection exhilarates me. In certain ways, this 'situationship' has been an education. In certain ways it will be formative. I don't regret it in the slightest, but it couldn't have continued.
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<br>
15:24: My parents. I recognise the need to cleave closer to them and their path. I understand that I've betrayed them. I betray them every day. And for the first time now I threaten to become tearful. But yes -- I've let them down. What has been done cannot be undone, no matter how hard we try to repress it. What I need to do is demonstrate to them that I've drawn a line under all that shite.
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15:30: The fear that you don't matter to anyone except your parents. The fear that you do.
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<br>
15:38: It's true that on acid you become attuned to the smallest things. I'm sitting on the carpet by my floor-to-ceiling windows and my eyes are drawn to the lone white gulls that circle above the streets of Tower Hamlets, all the way up to Canary Wharf, and also to the mass of weeds on the roof of the building next to mine. The breeze blows through the weeds, and the sun continues to shine, and I'm reminded that I would quite like to be in nature. Indeed, is London really the place for me? My job isn't mine, my behaviour isn't mine, my utterances aren't mine. What do I mean by 'mine'? I'm not trying to absolve myself of anything by the way. All I'm saying is that my life doesn't feel like it's my own. The fact that I should be sitting here now, contemplating the things I'm contemplating, is at some level ridiculous. How the fuck did I end up where I have? Then again, if you break it down it's not that mysterious. I'll revisit these ramblings tomorrow and guffaw at them, I'm sure.
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<br>
15:48: I'm ready to evolve. But I suppose I'm looking for a satisfactory reason.
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<br>
15:54: I'm not making any progress. It's like I'm writing for the sake of writing. I want to say something about the elephant in the room, namely late capitalism, but it's probably for the best I don't, even if declining to do so makes me feel guilty. Two and a half hours after dosing the tab is still rolling around in a pool of saliva beneath my tongue. Watching cars motoring along both sides of the A12 I'm reminded of what Brooks Hatlen says in The Shawshank Redemption: 'the world went and got itself into a big damn hurry.' And for what? 'More salaries, more calories...'
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<br>
16:02: I get the distinct impression that I'm embarrassing myself with these streams of logorrhoea.
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<br>
16:05: I'm watching a video on YouTube of an illegal rave that took place 30 years ago. I can't put into words what I feel when I see this heterogeneous mass of kids expressing themselves in the way that they are, so freely and authentically, unburdened by the fear of judgement. I can't put into words how much I wish I could have been there with them. My sorrow at the impossibility of visiting or reproducing that time is like a wound that hurts too much to be touched. How is it possible to feel such a connection to something that reached its zenith before you were born? And where are all these ravers now?
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<br>
16:13: 'Far better, to mourn for rave, to point to its absence, than to pretend that it could be re-lived -- since re-living was what Rave precisely was not doing. That was what Rave was: an alternative to (Indie) re-living.' I will never not be obsessed by this.
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16:38: I'm weak-willed where I should be resolute and resolute where I really shouldn't be. Reading Fisher. He really was something -- in many respects light-years ahead of his time.
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17:00: I think I'm done with the mental aspect of this trip. I know what needs to be done -- or not done -- when I return to sobriety. I just don't know if I have the strength of character to see it through. As for the past, it's done but for various reasons I can't leave it where it belongs. It therefore weighs heavily on my present. Self-acceptance is important -- too important to be dealt with now.
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17:18: The fear that all this soul-searching -- this very self-conscious stage-setting -- is merely an alibi for whiling away a Sunday afternoon. That normal service will be resumed tomorrow. Well, as far as work's concerned, it has to. I don't even want to think about work and my relationship to it. That should speak volumes.
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17:26: The choice, I daresay, is between adulthood and adolescence. I write this as I watch those ravers from 1989.
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17:35: I'm guessing the sun will set soon. The light outside is beautiful.
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18:06: My mood wanes with the dying of the day. I'm terrified. I have been reduced to fear and imprisoned by it.
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18:36: I'd be interested to know how, exactly, acid is supposed to combat alcoholism. The precise mechanism of action. I say this because I'm worried that I'll want to put the memory of this unheimlich state behind me by means of booze <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I'm worried that I'll want to put the memory of this unheimlich state behind me by means of booze</div></div>, which is familiar to me and without which I'm a shell. Then again, I haven't said a word in more than 48 hours, haven't seen another human being in all that time. And despite the two apples I just had I'm rather hungry.
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18:45: Could it be that these periods of self-isolation are more injurious to my self than the blades on any pair of scissors? The privation can't be good for me, but I inflict it upon myself so that I don't have to inflict myself upon the world. I don't mean for that to sound self-regarding or to suggest the existence of a martyr complex.
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19:10: As things stand, I am dead inside. I'm like Hermione Roddice, whose 'lack of robust self' meant 'she had no natural sufficiency, [that] there was a terrible void, a lack, a deficiency of being within her.' I need to make a doctor's appointment. I need to rebuild myself, without the 'help' of alcohol. Only then will I be able to be curious again.
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19:38: I just read a very moving review of Women in Love by Howard Jacobson. The depths that Lawrence plumbed. I feel like I might be coming down now. I'm pleased I didn't take the whole hit. I'm haunted by those ravers, by Fisher, by "Moments in Love".
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20:28: I flick through k-punk's posts. Tycho's "Source" plays. Perhaps it wasn't quite right of me to say that I am dead inside.
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20:56: I think to that exchange in Le feu follet. 'Alain,' says La Barbinais, his face the picture of gravity. 'Life is good.' Like a shot Alain retorts: 'good for what, docteur?'. Now, there's a certain insolence in this response, in the child-like simplicity of it, but to the anhedonic person it is exactly that simplicity which chimes and can't be challenged. I need to learn that life is good.
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21:01: I feel humbled by the machine-like operation of this substance. I feel weirdly cleansed -- nullified, even. I think it's safe to say that the intensity of my mentation is dimming. Some residual visuals remain. It's time to deconstruct the stage -- to pack away the frayed and battered matrix of cultural and literary references -- by means of diazepam. Here's hoping I can get to sleep quickly ahead of work tomorrow. I doubt it.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2019</td><td width="90">ExpID: 116737</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 26</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Nov 2, 2022</td><td>Views: 516</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=116737&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=116737&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), General (1), Alone (16)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">300 - 400 ug</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">65 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
LSD and Self Betterment
<br>
<br>
My experience with LSD has had a profound impact on my life, in the most brilliant and terrifying ways. This story is about the use and abuse of LSD in the pursuit of fixing my faults. Not a cautionary tale for the typical user.
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<br>
A brief history of my experience with LSD:
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<br>
I first took LSD when I was 14, I couldn’t tell you the dose, I just did it… and it was fantastic. Throughout my teenage years and into my 20’s I must have used LSD around 300 times and I loved every second of it. Every jittery come-up, every intriguing thought, every display of visual patterns indescribable to another. I even enjoyed the less tasteful side of LSD, I would often take doses more than 500ug and stare into a mirror in a dimly lit room, climb tall industrial buildings while feeling like the ladder was melting in my hands, nothing seemed to faze me. I had firmly decided that I was not capable of having a ‘bad trip’. I had not realised this at the time, but I had adopted these attitudes and proclivities because it made me feel superior to those who could not do what I did, and nobody I knew could do what I did. On the day of my 21st birthday, I attempted to take 2100ug of the course of the night (over roughly 4 hours), just because I could. I reached 1800ug before blacking out on the couch. As much as the experience of a 1800ug trip might interest some of you, it was not altogether that interesting. In my experience, the dosage may dictate the level of intoxication, but it is the environment which truly matters. Truth is, I was using LSD to try to fix my faults and insecurities. I hope I have painted a fair representation of myself, I was as many of us are, a young insecure person with a big ego.
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My penultimate trip:
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<br>
The second to last time I have taken LSD was at the age of 22, I was completely unaware that this night would change the trajectory of my life forever. To briefly cover the mechanics of this experience, I took about 300-400ug of LSD in a 30-minute period, had little to no alcohol or other drugs, and was at a house party with about 50 people in attendance. I was currently going through a very difficult time with my partner of 4 years, I had made a series of mistakes. This might sound like the perfect storm, but to me, this was just another trip. Anyway, after the LSD started to take effect, I was very chatty with everyone, not uncommon. One girl at the party told us a story about local gang members recruiting young kids outside the primary school she was volunteering at. This sparked all the guys to start boasting about gang members they knew or situations they had been in. Usually, this would have been me as well, but not this time. I was intensely fixated on how upset this girl was about what she was describing. I could feel her distress as if her experiences were my own, I had never felt this much empathy before in my life. As this feeling of empathy overwhelmed me I had another very strange feeling that ‘everything was going to be all right’, quite literally everything, it’s hard to describe but I do believe if I was a religious person I may have well described this feeling as being touched by God. This feeling overwhelmed me and I walked out the front gate of the house and began to spin with my arms wide open, I felt like I was being pulled outside and I couldn’t stop spinning. I was yelling ‘It’s all going to be OK!’ and ‘You all have no idea how wonderful life is’ and other bits of nonsense. Evidently, it was at this point my grip on reality was gone. I felt like I was completely aware of an infinitely complex series of connections which governed every action and reaction in the universe. I kept spinning and eventually, everything went black.
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Next thing I know I can hear voices above me, but everything is still black. I hear them say ‘Mate, are you ok?’ I did not respond, ‘Hey man are you ok, really?’. I open my eyes and see three people standing over me, I look at myself and see I’m lying in the gutter, and I’m cut up and bloody, although I don’t feel any pain. I got to my feet and said ‘yes I’m fine’ very quickly and took off down the street to my car. From here, my experience of the world was better described as a delirium than a trip. I had moments where I felt that everything was going to be ok, like the true nature of the universe was kind and consciousness was a blessing. I had moments where I believed I was saying one last goodbye to those I loved before subjecting myself to a future of eternal torture. I felt every different emotion, one at a time, on a repeating loop which I could not control. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I felt every different emotion, one at a time, on a repeating loop which I could not control.</div></div> Every unpleasant emotion I felt I would uncontrollably work my way down the string of thoughts as to why I felt what I was feeling, and every time the same ending was waiting, it was death. If you are inclined such as I am to believe in Darwinian natural selection, this conclusion seems rather obvious. It had dawned on me that emotions serve as a tool to avoid death. Feel scared when standing next to a cliff? Good, you’ll be less likely to die if you don’t stand there. Feel happy around other people? Good, cooperation and bonding increase the chance you will survive. In the modern world some of these reactions are perhaps a bit redundant, but we are not yet adapted for the environment in which we live. After what felt like an eternity, but was closer to 2 hours, I came out of this delirium. I went from ‘I have the keys to the universe’ to stone cold sober in the snap of a finger. I was so scared I was going to die or reality itself was going to end, that I just got in my truck and very carefully drove home and went to bed, hoping it all would just go away if I slept.
<br>
<br>
My final trip:
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<br>
About two months later I stupidly took LSD again, maybe 200ug. Everything was fine for the first few hours, then boom, I black out and wake up on the ground and here we are again, the most paralysing terrible fear imaginable just for me to enjoy. My friend offers to take me inside but I don’t trust him, I feel like I’m about to die. After a few second I get a grip just long enough to say yes and he helps me up and inside. As we walk in, I’m terrified, imagining all the ways I could die on this walk, or ways he could kill me. I get inside and try to calm down. It doesn’t work. I’m having the same feelings as the last trip, but this time it’s worse. Everything feels connected and I think I’m going to die. To describe this feeling, imagine this. You’re hanging off a cliff, you’re holding on to the hand of the person you love the most. Imagine if they intentionally let you go, and the feeling you would have as soon as you realise what they did and what is going to happen to you. Fear, betrayal, sadness, all on maximum volume and all at once. Anyway, this went on for maybe two hours again then just like last time, I go from full-blown delirium to sober in a couple seconds.
<br>
<br>
The consequences of my actions:
<br>
<br>
After my final trip, the thought pattern I described didn’t go away like it had the previous time. It followed me 24 hours a day. It was not usually as intense as feelings of impending death, but sometimes it was. My reality was destroyed. I would sometimes feel like the world around me was nothing but a dream I had conjured up to forget the fact I was the only being in existence. Imagine existing forever and alone, no fate could be worse. I was completely out of touch with reality.
<br>
<br>
After ~9 months of living like this I had my eureka moment, I was having a rather serious panic attack where I was convinced if I went to my window, opened my curtains and looked to the sky I would see an asteroid which would end life on earth (ridiculous I know, but when you really believe it’s very compelling). I had a moment of realisation of how much all this was affecting my girlfriend and decided enough was enough. Two possibilities existed for me.
<br>
<br>
1. I’m right and reality is a lie created to torture me, if so, then I can’t avoid my fate so let’s get it over with.
<br>
2. I’m wrong and my disconnect with reality is meaningless and is only hurting the person I love.
<br>
<br>
So, I go to the window, push through all the paralysing fear and look out, and nothing happens. So there it was, I had faced what I had truly believed to be death and spat in its face. I thought all my problems were solved and I would become the person I dreamed of <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I thought all my problems were solved and I would become the person I dreamed of</div></div>, free from all anxieties and negative proclivities. I had conquered death, everything else would be easy. This is not what happened.
<br>
<br>
This moment did change my life, in that I become reconnected with reality after this. Three years later and I still sometimes fall into the pattern of thinking in which reality is a lie. It doesn’t really bother me anymore. I am not yet the person I want to be, I still have my anxieties and my short comings. I am still ignorant, and I am still arrogant, and it still impacts my relationships with people. But I finally can get over myself and recognise these flaws, I finally can improve as a person. The past three years of my life have been torturous but have undeniably been the best years of my life. At the time of my penultimate trip, I was working a low-end job, had all but ruined my relationship, used a variety of hard drugs 3+ times a week and had no life prospects. Now I am married, spend my time sober, work out and am close to completing a university (college) degree. I owe this change to a variety of influences but I know that I would not have listened to these influences if I had not had this experience.
<br>
<br>
Was it worth it:
<br>
<br>
Yes it was worth it, but I would not wish this experience on anyone. I had no trajectory in life and to be honest I had nothing to lose. If this process had killed me it wouldn’t have been a loss to the world, my ego and laziness would have inhibited me from ever doing anything more than mindlessly consume, I would have achieved nothing in my life. The only reason I’m out the other end of this experience is that I accepted that harsh fact.
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<br>
Consciousness has the amazing ability to torture itself for seemingly no reason, accepting there is a reason is the first step to overcoming it.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2019</td><td width="90">ExpID: 116665</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 22</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Nov 15, 2022</td><td>Views: 619</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=116665&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=116665&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Large Group (10+) (19), Post Trip Problems (8), Bad Trips (6), Retrospective / Summary (11)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">200 ug</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">60 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
This one trip, I think I'll always remember it. I experienced music like never before. The way music should be experienced.<!--
<br/>
First of all let's have some introductions. It's always good to know a few things beforehand, for better imagination. If you don't like the rambling, skip to the 5th paragraph. --> I live in a town. Neither big nor small, just a town. I like it here, I have a lot of nature but still the convenience of pubs, shops and super markets. I live in a apartment with a bunch of people. I've only had experience with illegal drugs for a couple of months and I've only ever taken LSD. I was lured in by the stories and of course, I was still blown away my first time. I've taken LSD 4 times since then and had both good and bad experiences. Most of them I don't want to miss, even the bad ones. I'll accept and try to learn from bad and good experiences alike. That said, I still aim for positive experiences.
<br>
<br>
The day I had this particular trip was a Tuesday in early April. I had taken a day off because I went to a concert with two friends beforehand. The band was Franz Ferdinand. Not especially my cup of tea; but nonetheless, I went to have a good time. And good times were had. Exceptionally good times. Good music, everyone around me was happy and most people danced and let themselves guide by music. Even the opener, Teleman, was great. I recommend checking them out. Anyway, I also danced away, spend some fun time in the moshpit, listened to the fine music, which was mixed well, sometimes closed my eyes to take it all in.<!-- Yes, there was a moshpit, kinda. But I'm getting off the track here.--> So, I was contemplating dropping some acid on this fine evening, but it wasn't set in stone yet.
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<br>
Arriving home after the concert I was in exceptionally high spirits and even though I was mightily exhausted, I still decided to go for it. I took the trip. It was around 1 o'clock and the other people in the apartment were already sleeping since it was a week day. So I decided to stay quiet. I turned on my laptop instead of my desktop because I don't want to make too much noise. I put on the headphones. I was coming home from a concert but I haven't had enough music. While waiting for the trip I started drinking cola since a) I heard caffeine mixes well LSD and b) I was pretty tired. I was fully prepared when the trip started. It started fast and strong, earlier than I was used to. My media player blasted some Plini into my head, great, energetic instrumental rock music.
<br>
<br>
And when I finally hit the peak I knew. I knew this was awesome. Sitting on the bed, I closed my eyes, shredded my air guitar like some kid and was having a great time. I wasn't just listening to music. I was experiencing it. It was flowing into me and I was flowing into it. We kind of became one, but we both were more like two different liquids, not quite mixing, but there was no real hard border between us. My mind did the visualization with me rocking around to the music while light from a lamp dropped through my eyelids, feeding the visualization. To say it was a visualization would be lying. It was connected to all senses. <!-- You know what I mean if you've taken LSD. -->I didn't just see the music, I wholly experienced it. Moving my feet mixed with the experience the music created, I could even see it mix visually, like moving my foot would create a ripple in the visualization. The whole music was truly 3D, every sound had it's own place in space, not just left and right as would be expected with stereo headphones, listening to stereo music.
<br>
<br>
And the music ceased to be just music. Every song became a whole story of a world. Every note was an event, some action, in this story. Every note was as meaningful as the stories of our own history books. It felt like... LSD and music belonged together. Like two magnets having a plus and minus pole, there was LSD and music. They can exist alone but fit so well together. They snap together and fit. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Every note was as meaningful as the stories of our own history books. It felt like... LSD and music belonged together. Like two magnets having a plus and minus pole, there was LSD and music. They can exist alone but fit so well together. They snap together and fit. </div></div>After some time I wanted to experience another band (and with it another world) and spontaneously decided to listen to The Dark Side of The Moon. <!-- Yes, I know: cliche, but wow, it was pretty damn awesome. -->Same as before, different stories. Every note had a tremendous impact on my mood. Just one 'sad note' and I was really sad. One happy part and I was really happy. One time I even realized I was pretty sad and asked myself: Why am I so sad? And I realized it just was the music. Oh I'm tripping!
<br>
<br>
After 6 hours the album came to an end and 3/4 of an hour had passed. Grinning like a bastard, I closed my eyes again, rocked around, playing my air guitar. I spend about 3 hours like this. I was euphoric. I was in such a good mood that I though I dared to go out even though I know it could turn the trip around.
<br>
<br>
I've never been outside on acid before. Not on the peak at least. Or at night. I still had about an hour on the peak. So I tried to be as quiet as possible leaving the apartment. Of course, it felt like I was making all the noise in the world. Somehow, it still worked. I closed the front door behind me, exhaled. Then I put on my shoes and jacket. I didn't want to do it inside because of the noise. The outside was glorious. It was a bit cloudy but the few stars I could see looked like whole galaxies somehow. I didn't know why they were so big. It kinda was a bummer though that the rest of the clear black was filled with red and green lines. Can't have everything on LSD.
<br>
<br>
Like a kid I enjoyed seeing the scenery and walked down the street. On the corner I spent a lot of time putting in my earphones from my mp3 player. It took me ages to untangle the mess of the cables. <!-- I must have looked like some idiot, I thought even then. Anyway, -->I managed to do it and put on some music. Then I strolled around experiencing the town by night. It was around 4 o'clock. The plants looked awesome. The houses looked cool. A long street with its orange street lamps expanded into infinity. Vine growing on houses was exceptionally interesting. Their shadows were 3d. When I passed a school I realized the gate was open, so I entered. A bit reluctantly though. After walking down the way for some 30 meters I realized the shadows on an object to my left looked kinda strange. Shadows on LSD are pretty crazy, they change the depths of an object. I knew this, but this still looked a bit different.
<br>
<br>
I couldn't really make sense of it. Then I realized the shadow was more complex than normally. After realizing this the whole shadow 'manifested' itself in 3d over the object, kinda like a spider web, but not as symmetrically, more tangled. It was really, really big and long. It stretched all the way back to where I was coming from. Only then I realized it was created by light of a street lamp passing through a net of a soccer goal. The shadow was pretty crazy to look at. It was a black 3d thingy floating in the air. Anyway, I didn't like spending more time then necessary on the school grounds, so I left. Shorty after I left, someone walked past me and got into a car and drove off. I felt a bit of paranoia rising but managed to calm myself quickly. Still, who got into a car at 4 o'clock? On a weekday? In a town like this?
<br>
<br>
I spent more time walking around seeing other thing. Tried to enter the woods, but the shadows on the ground kinda made me stumble around so I deemed it a bad idea. So I continued walking the streets. When I started feeling exhausted I decided to turn around and close a loop to my home. After that I though about how great an experience this was. I looked over the rim of the tea cup. Again. It would change me. Again. And that was when I argued that if this were to happen again and again I would turn crazy. Because how many times can one look over the rim of the tea cup? How often can one be changed by LSD? <!-- Surely, you must change so much in time to go crazy. You can't have those huge experiences, looking further and further out and continue to be the same person. You will be affected by it too much. You will go crazy. Oh shit, -->I was going crazy. Somehow, I couldn't find a counter argument to this. However, I was able to drop it after a little while and began to relax more.
<br>
<br>
Still, my mood wasn't as good as before. It's good that I am already on my way home, I thought. My mind went reeling again and I became stuck in a small though loop which then somehow popped after I though it through logically. It popped like a bubble, became untangled like a bow on a shoe. Not even 5 seconds after this, I didn't even know what I was going on about. Kinda funny, I still don't know. It was time I got home. To make matters worse a car came around the corner, the driver looked critically at me ('Look at this guy, he's on LSD, I'll call his parents and the police'-critically, of course) and after some 30 meters the car parked on the side of the road. I knew it was just coincidence.
<br>
<br>
But seriously! At 4 o'clock? On a weekday? In a town like this? I walked faster. I went a little paranoid, heard things everywhere, needed to check corners for people watching me. However, this time, I was still quite sane and could see through it soberly. I could think through it logically and knew I was just on LSD and this situation was making me a bit paranoid. But that's OK, it will pass, I knew. Still, I was relived when I arrived home. I stayed quite again, somehow as I sneaked into my room. I lied down on the bed and turned on some music again. The relaxation was washing over me. It was good to be at home, safe.
<br>
<br>
I was really exhausted this time and tried to relax more. Sleeping wasn't an option. It just doesn't work for me on LSD. But I tried. And as always as I try when on LSD, I had grotesque and horrible hallucinations / dreams. After a few hours enough was enough, it was morning, 7 or 8 o'clock, I got up and took a shower. The rest of the day went normally, but I was severely exhausted, staying up about 37 hours in total.
<br>
<br>
All in all a really enjoyable trip with a bad end I could have avoided. <!-- Things to note: Don't wander to far or paranoia can get pretty bad if you are far from home. Don't try to sleep. -->Hopefully, I can manage the next time and have a 100% positive trip.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2014</td><td width="90">ExpID: 103191</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 26</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Nov 21, 2022</td><td>Views: 578</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=103191&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=103191&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Various (28), Music Discussion (22), Glowing Experiences (4), Difficult Experiences (5), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">135 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
There are days when a lot of weird shit happens, but then there was this day.
<br>
<br>
I’ll never forget how I felt in that moment. As I came out of the cave, and my eyes adjusted to the bright sunshine, for a moment, I lost all sense of what was real, of what was possible, and of whether my vision was a hallucination. As reality clarified itself, my brain felt as if it were doing a backflip, straining to accept that the vision was real.
<br>
<br>
Two days prior, I had departed on a backpacking trip in a remote desert canyon of Southern Utah with my dear friend, who I’ll call Eric.
<br>
<br>
Research led me to find a route rarely traveled, but among those who knew it, it was understood to be spectacular. A remote desert canyon of sandstone washes, rock arches, and deep varnished cliffs full of archeological sites — mainly of the ancestral Puebloan people, known by some as the Anasazi.
<br>
<br>
After a long drive out from California, and a few hours on a rugged four-by-four road, we reached our starting point. From the dusty parking lot, we could see through pinyon pine, sand sagebrush and Utah juniper over a vast landscape striated with multicolored sandstone.
<br>
<br>
The full route through this canyon was off-limits due to flooding that had washed out a bridge at the end, so we were going to have to do it as an out-and-back. Our goal was to find a very famous and beautiful pictograph, an ancient mural on the wall of a remote cave. This pictograph was known for being extremely colorful, perfectly preserved after 700 years.
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<br>
Whether we would make it there on our timeline was unknown — and whether we’d make it there after dropping a strong tab of acid was even more unknown.
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<br>
The plan was to take 130 micrograms which we had bought off the dark web, with assurances to its purity and strength.
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<br>
I must admit I was trepidatious about this, because in this particular part of southern Utah, the weather is generally brutal most of the year. In the winter, it's freezing cold, dropping down to the minus temperatures and snowing. In the summer, it’s blazing hot, hitting 110, 112 degrees much of the time. The shoulder season is short, and I was fully anticipating, given our timing there in mid-September, a day of tripping balls and sweating balls. A long psychedelic day in the blazing sun with no shade is an extreme experience, and one that I take seriously, but not one that I fear. It's one I've done many times before, but one that I think you have to fully prepare yourself for.
<br>
<br>
Physical discomfort paired with the psychological vicissitudes of an acid trip can create a certain type of cocktail that doesn't always go down smooth, but we felt ready. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Physical discomfort paired with the psychological vicissitudes of an acid trip can create a certain type of cocktail that doesn't always go down smooth, but we felt ready.</div></div> Just before descending into the canyon, we signed the log book. It showed who went in and out of the canyon. This is a safety measure so that the rangers can find you if you've been missing from your car. Ahead of us were two names in the logbook, with only one way in and out.
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<br>
This meant that in this entire zone there were only two other people ahead of us. We signed our names in the book along with our expected departure date and started down the dusty trail, skirting downhill past boulders, scrubby pinyon pine, and ridged pinnacles of living cryptobiotic soil, peaked like tiny dark sandcastles.
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<br>
Not 10 minutes into our hike, two people came hiking out. It was the two folks who had signed the log, a man and a woman. We greeted them briefly. This left not a single soul in front of us in the massive canyon ahead.
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<br>
The hike down was beautiful. We got lost briefly as the trail disappeared into a sandy river bed. We had to backtrack to the last known location across the river through some dense brush and find it again. By the time we made it to our final campsite, the sun was going down in a glorious golden hour.
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<br>
We pitched our tents, stashed our food in our bear boxes, and went to the nearest stream to fill water. Near this camp was a rare thing in the South Utah Desert — a permanent water source. A pond fed by springs held probably 20,000 gallons of water, placid with an ultramarine blue color reflecting peachy clouds above. Fish, tadpoles and frogs leapt and croaked in the dark water.
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<br>
The springs gushed down wide steps of creamy sandstone, cascading delicately before a final plunge five or six feet into the pond. We washed our dirty feet in the stream, rinsed our faces, dunked our heads. There was no sign of humanity other than he tread on the trail. Swallows swooped in their sunset acrobatics overhead. We went to bed that night blanketed by the milky way, in one of the darkest parts in the country, stars bright enough to read by, excited for the day to come.
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<br>
In the morning, we woke early. I got up and made coffee. Just as the water finished boiling, the flames started to sputter and hiss, dying. There must have been a leak in the gas can. This full can, our only one, which should have lasted us both through the entire trip, was completely empty. Thankfully we had our coffee that morning, but we would have no way to cook the rest of our food. Eric and I looked at each other. We knew that this was not the most fortuitous way to start a strong acid trip in the depths of a remote rugged wilderness, but there was nothing we could do. We knew that we'd be able to cold soak ramen and eat soggy, mushy meals. We filled our Ziploc bags of food with cold water, stuck them in our bear can and left them by the tents. Before hitting the trail, we wondered if we should put our rain flies on our tents. Although the sky was clear and sunny, as the days before had been hot, in the eighties, we decided to attach our rain flies on our tents, just as a precaution to keep the dust out.
<br>
<br>
Before hitting the trail, we took a moment to take our sacrament, two small squares of paper, a tab of acid on each of our tongues. We toasted to 10 years of friendship, loaded a pack with water, snacks, maps, and the camera, and hit the trail heading downhill into the canyon.
<br>
<br>
We had no real idea where we were going. There wasn't much of a trail to begin with — more like an interwoven array of different paths heading off into different zones of the canyon. This canyon was wide and flat at the base, with steep sheer walls a hundred feet high on either side — opioid, white globules of elegant Navajo sandstone, striated with red, purple, and orange.
<br>
<br>
We decided to follow our noses rather than following a map. We didn't use any gps. All we did was go where it made sense to go.
<br>
<br>
After passing a magnificent rock arch we saw our first significant archeological site. We approached it cautiously, as if entering a graveyard or an abandoned church.
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<br>
Out of the steep red cliff wall, a stone the size of a bungalow had sheared clean off the cliff and fallen onto the ground, creating a platform that was angled sideways — wide, beautiful, jagged, beautiful, smooth, clean rock.
<br>
<br>
It would've been impossible for me to tell if this stone had fallen five years prior or 10,000 but for the fact that atop it was constructed an elegant Ancestral Puebloan village of stone houses and a Kiva, gorgeously mortared together with mud, the round dwellings littered with tiny bits of patterned ceramic potsherd, ancient, dry, practically fossilized corn cob husks, and surrounded by blooming squash plants — probably planted by the people who disappeared from these lands due to drought 700 years ago.
<br>
<br>
Above this beautiful site, you could see an array of hand prints in white paint silhouetted against the wall. 30, 40 prints next to each other in a series of cascading lines, high overhead.
<br>
<br>
We lay down on our backs, looking up at these prints. Hand shapes the same as ours. We were gleeful with the beauty of this place, and as we gazed at these hand prints, they started to blur. I started to sense a sizzling sensation behind my teeth. My eyes started to feel fuzzy as if they were vibrating, my hands started to tingle as if touching ice.
<br>
<br>
The acid was kicking in — strong. We looked at each other. There wasn't anything that needed to be said. We both knew what was happening. It felt like a sign this place had kicked off our trip.
<br>
<br>
Time to go. We scrambled out of the archeological site. As we came out from under the cliff overhead, we saw that the sky didn't look the same as it had before.
<br>
<br>
Rather than being clear and blue, clouds threatened. The temperature had dropped, now in the mid seventies. The swirling clouds overhead were actually starting to spit a delicate misty rain, so light as to be almost imperceptible. Eric and I looked at each other worriedly. I was halfway through reading the Secret Knowledge of Water by Craig Childs, a book about desert flooding and how easily it can take a life, so I was perhaps overly attuned to that possibility in a canyon. But, the base of this canyon was wide. There was no reason to panic.
<br>
<br>
We continued bopping down the trail. Despite my expectation that it would either be blisteringly hot or freezing cold, the air was perfect beyond description, probably 73 degrees and warm. The misting spit of rain tickled my face with cool dewdrops. I often find that acid can make it hard to distinguish hot from cold, but in this case, both hot and cold were in fact happening at the same time, on every square inch of my body. It's like I was being kissed all over my skin by a glorious tickle of warmth and cool. It was delightful beyond description, true bliss as we bounded down this trail. Practically skipping, the acid was now fully on — my face felt plasticky, my cheeks stiffened in a goofy smile as I looked around at the canyon. The rock walls shifted like double vision atop each other.
<br>
<br>
There was no need to look at the map because it was dead obvious where we were going next. On our left, there appeared to be a cave cleaved into the side of the cliff. We approached cautiously. You never know what can be in these things. But we were also cautious because it seemed to hold a power that was so obvious it didn't need to be discussed aloud.
<br>
<br>
It was a narrow hallway between 40 foot high stones that had been cleaved in two. We skirted down this hallway 50 or 60 feet into the cave to find that the cleft in these two rocks made a perfect strip of light that was exactly bisected by another cleft in the rocks at a perpendicular angle from above, creating a cross of white light shining onto the floor, a perfect X in the back of his dark cave. It was soft, diffuse light, but as bright as day. I stood in the depths of this cave in the middle of this X and looked up through the beams of light towards the roof of the cave. Drizzles of rain were descending slowly through the beam of light, illuminated perfectly falling delicately upon my face. I felt as if time stopped, as if the world spun around me yet in this place all was still. It was transcendent.
<br>
<br>
I stood in this cross of light and looked up for a long time. After all, when's the last time you got rained on in a cave? Eric came and joined.
<br>
<br>
It felt like a blessing. It felt like a sacred place. It felt like we were on the right track.
<br>
<br>
We stayed in that cave for quite some time. Eventually we felt it was time to go. I'm not sure what pulled us out, but I was in front as we exited the darkness of the cave and came out into the light. My darkness-dilated pupils were overwhelmed by the glaring sun. I couldn't see. I squinted, holding my forearm over my head to reduce the glare.
<br>
<br>
As my eyes adjusted and I was able to look out on the landscape for a moment, I thought I was completely insane.
<br>
<br>
It felt as if my brain was swelling, expanding beyond the limits of my skull in order to comprehend what I was just seeing, because what I was seeing in that moment made absolutely no sense.
<br>
<br>
I looked over at Eric with wide eyes. Surely he could not be seeing the same thing I was seeing. Surely this was a dream or a hallucination caused by the acid – which was definitely really strong. His eyes were just as wide as mine. We looked out at the spectacular desert landscape to see it covered in snow.
<br>
<br>
It felt like it was about 73 degrees outside.
<br>
<br>
The gorgeous opioid formations of stacked Navajo sandstone reaching hundreds of feet into the sky on all sides of the canyon were dusted with a layer of powdery white sugar, gleaming in the midday sun, as great purple and silver clouds swirled overhead, delicate as a watercolor painting.
<br>
<br>
I held my palm out in front of me and watched a single snowflake fall slowly to land upon the middle of my hand and immediately melt into water.
<br>
<br>
I turned to Eric again. Now we were screaming, now we were crying. No fucking way. No fucking way. No fucking way. There's no way. 73 degrees out, and snowing.
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<br>
There was no way to rationalize what I was seeing, so all I could do was submit to its reality as we stood and watched the dusting of white snow across the edges of the canyon melt to a dark iridescent silver and pour off the sandstone outcrops like mercury waterfalls drizzling thin shining lines off every visible surface down to the canyon floor.
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It had probably only been snowing for a few minutes, and it was gone in even less. We had come out of the cave at just the right time to see it.
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It was as if Mother Earth had wanted to give us a sign that said both “You are blessed” and “I could kill you.”
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It was scary to know that the weather could change like that in any moment. I've been backpacking solo for many years, and I have a deep reverence, respect, and caution around the variability and unpredictability of weather — but nothing prepared me for that. There was no way that should have been happening. It made no sense.
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Well, we said to each other, that was the most amazing thing we've ever seen. We both agreed, not much could be more incredible. It wasn’t just that the scene was hard to believe; it was also stunningly gorgeous. One of the most beautiful vistas I’ve ever seen. Mind you, the acid was still strong as hell. If Eric hadn't been there, I would've thought that I was just hallucinating the whole thing. There's no way I would've believed it.
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Only thing left to do was to find that petroglyph we were looking for. Too bad we didn't know how far it was. We didn't even know what landmarks to look for. All we had was trust.
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We followed the canyon down, avoiding turnoffs, crossing a wide valley that had surely at one time been abundantly planted with squash, maize, and peppers. In times with more water, this would have been an incredible place to live. We crossed a wide meadow, golden with dry desert grasses, and saw, hundreds of feet away on the far side of the cliffs, a sheer wall, hundreds of feet high, cleaved with a crack down the middle. 40 or so feet up this narrow crack was a cave the exact shape of human skull. You could see the nose cavity and the eye cavities in the side of this wall, and inside of that cave, 40 feet up this cliff, was an ancient Puebloan granary.
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Eric went to its face two or three hundred feet away, while I watched from afar. By the time he got there, he was tiny.
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It was ominous. It was foreboding. It felt like a warning, it felt like guarded place. It felt like a place beyond which not everyone should go.
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It continued to drizzle and spit rain. Thank God we'd put our tent flies on. I turned around and looked across the canyon valley, the clouds overhead dripping purple, gold, dark gray, pale white, and turquoise blue above the curvatures of the canyon walls, feminine in their grace and earthly in their power, spinning and spiraling through the lens of the LSD.
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A light wind rustled the tawny desert grasses, shimmering wet in front of a landscape shining red and gold. It was so beautiful. It was so beautiful. All of a sudden my legs completely gave out and I fell to the ground, collapsed into kneeling. Utterly overcome by weeping, I gasped heaving sobs, a rain of tears on my face, weeping and crying, deep guttural grief release from the bottom of my diaphragm. I could feel my entire chest heaving off and on, spasming, heaving hugely under the strain of releasing this deeply buried grief. Yet the feeling I released was not sadness. My trauma had been alchemized to joy. The acid opened a pathway for the force of the land to enter through my feet, to see me and be seen through me, to make me part of it. This land, which has seen its own share of grief, its own share of trauma — it was still a wild place. I believe certain places on earth hold a more potently direct channel to the energy of the Earth Center, to the force that binds all things. I have stood in desert canyons and in jungle waterfalls where it seemed the veil was thinner, where it seemed the gods could reach out and pierce my soul without hindrance. And in that moment I was overcome by their grip. I felt the pain stored in my body crushed by a hand infinitely stronger than my own, crushed to a powder and then blown away like ash into the desert wind.
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I wept and I wept with joy. The joy that anything in the world could possibly be this beautiful. It seemed alone reason enough to go on living.
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I got up, picked myself up off the ground, dusted the dirt off my knees. I turned around to see Eric 300 feet away watching me. I smiled and walked across across the valley floor.
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Well, that was pretty cool. He said, Yeah, I said that was pretty fucking cool.
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We meandered on. It was getting late into the afternoon, and at this point we both wondered if we were ever going make it to the petroglyph. I was wondering if we should consult the map, but I knew somehow that it would be better not to. It was better to follow the flow, to let the acid guide us, to let the land guide us, to let it be what it was. Perfectly imperfect.
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Just then on the ground in front of me, I saw an old Army ammunition box, forest green, dented and chained to a tree. Eric went over to it and opened it up, but I knew why this was there. I looked above us, and in a cave 20 feet overhead I saw the very petroglyph we had been searching for.
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It was spectacular — perfectly preserved, vibrant blue, vivid red, and a clear, pure white. It made the visage of a shape-shifted shaman character, like a turtle person, beyond gender, beyond species, holding a staff in their hand, an otherworldly figure in an otherworldly place. We knew that it had been radiocarbon dated from before the year 1400, making it over 600 years old.
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Eric was perplexedly reading the entries in a small small visitor's log which had been left there by the National Park Service as I gazed up at the petroglyph, a huge shit-eating grin on my face. He was reading the log unendingly because he hadn't yet realized that it was right over our heads. I said, Eric, look up dude. He looked up and immediately lost his shit. Of course everything had just worked so well, the perfect flow of the day coming to a perfect conclusion, never looking at a map and yet somehow ending up at exactly where we had wanted to go, just minutes before we felt it was time to turn back. It was truly incredible. Staring at the rock art and letting the acid mutate it in my vision, it seemed to resonate into the rock. Perfectly harmonious with the space around it, as if designed by the world, as if designed by the finest architect, as if it had evolved into that space. I believe it did.
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I once spent a year living in the Amazon, in a remote community of indigenous Waorani people, being incorporated into their community and into their family. I learned that many of their traditions and practices were in perfect harmony with ecological cycles of the land, but not out of a discriminating “A or B” choice, but out of an evolutionarily balanced co-adaptation. Meaning these people did not long ago sit down and decide “we are going to make choices that are good for the land instead of bad for the land.” But rather, these people and the more-than-human world around them co-evolved together to a place of ecological balance and harmony where all their collective decisions balance each other to a state of equilibrium. I’ll share an example to illustrate this point. The Waorani diet was largely dependent on Howler Monkey meat as a key protein source. They ate howler monkeys constantly, a main source of essential nutrients. Without this, their diet would not sustain them. However, if you obliterate a species population by overhunting it, you too will die.
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There is another species on which the Waorani rely — the Chontaduro plant, also called the peach palm. For just three or four months of the year, this tall, spiky-shafted palm tree produces thousands of bright orange, apple sized fruit, which are delicious and extremely rich in nutrients.
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But not just any nutrients— it's rich in some of the exact nutrients that Howler Monkey meat is unable to provide. These nutrients are an essential part of the yearly intake of the Woarani for their nutritional needs. And the three to four months of the year when the Chontaduro are ripe for harvesting just so happen to be the same three to four months of the year when the Howler monkeys are giving birth to their young, and raising them to be independent. They call this “Monkey Fattening Season,” and there’s no need to hunt Howler Monkeys because there are also many Chontaduro to eat. Around the time that the Howler Monkey young are independent and safe to roam free without their parents, the fruit are no longer ripe, and hunting monkeys again becomes a necessity. In this way, Waorani hunting and foraging habits maintain perfect equilibrium with the ecological system that keeps their food system intact. They do not slow down hunting Howler monkeys because of a sense of scarcity — they have an understanding that their forest is endlessly abundant — yet their systems are co-evolved to perfectly maintain ecological balance. Humans can be a part of an ecosystem, not separate from it. Human engagement with land can come from a place of deep, harmonious oneness — beyond the logical, rational decision-making of any individual, but from a place of both ancestral knowledge shared through tradition and also a deep attunement to the land. That's what I thought as I gazed at this petroglyph, perfectly placed in this cave where it would be protected for hundreds, if not thousands of years.
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Eric and I plopped down on the ground, resting in the shade under a beautiful cottonwood tree, gazing up through it at the swirling grey sky above. As I relaxed my eyes the canopy of the tree swirled kaleidoscopically.
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When I take psychedelics, I invariably find myself thinking about the wrongs that my species has done to the planet, to each other, and to the species around us. I invariably think of the cruelties of my people — White people, colonists, and the genocide they inflicted upon the original stewards of these lands.
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Psychedelics break through habits. Psychedelics can open blind spots, and circumvent entrenched mental pathways, leading to new routes. This is of course why they are illegal.
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Acid makes people question things that they have not previously questioned. The validity of the nuclear family, the utility of gainful employment, the merits of capitalism. This is what we learned in the late sixties. If acid led people to buy beers at a football game, it would be legal — in fact there would probably be government subsidies.
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Yet acid leads us to question our beliefs. Many of those beliefs are the societal structures on which power stands. When examined, the foundations of those castles of power are revealed to be mere sand, nothing more than a collective imagining, which dissolve under our clear gaze.
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In that moment, lying in the shade of that cottonwood tree, thinking about the injustices we wreak upon each other, upon ourselves, I started to wonder if justice is just a social extension of natural ecological systems.
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<!-- If, on the scale of deep time, ecological systems function and develop in perfect equilibrium with each other, then when viewed in that same timescale, must they not also function in perfect social equilibrium with each other?
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I do not believe humanity to be much different from any other life form. In my view, our intelligence is different merely in that we are able to understand it, whereas we are not able to understand the intelligence of migratory songbirds, dancing octopi, or the geology of the aquifer. These intelligences may be as sophisticated as our own, but we do not comprehend them. We value our social, communicative intelligence over all else – largely because it has led us to a temporary domination of the global ecosystem. Being on top makes you feel like you’re better than everyone else – even if it is that very domination which will lead to your downfall.
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I will not say that humanity's growth is a cancer, although it certainly spreads as quickly as one. There are plenty of things that can grow this fast in any ecological system — Just watch mold overtake an apple core on a forest floor. We are not that different. We overtake the apple, and we die.
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Humans are currently in their phase of overgrowth, an algal bloom of sorts, and an unsustainable one. Of course we will crash. There's nothing wrong with this — in some ways I look forward to it. Although it will be painful for many, and most painful for those who are least resourced, there's nothing wrong with the fact that ecological balance will invariably reestablish itself on planet Earth someday.
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The human species has had its thumb on the ecological scale since the agricultural revolution, and the scale is tipping. Our particularly evolved brains, and circumstances, mean that we can communicate with each other in ways that allow for a unique kind of domination of the food chain. I'm not going to deny that at our current moment in evolutionary history, humans are special. We have evolved some incredible tErics. And as I lay under that cottonwood tree, the question that struck me was — if humans have evolved to cyborg levels, possibly no longer biologically evolving, but relying on technology to create new evolutions for us, and maintaining complex social systems to allow for our continued multiplication, then must not justice be a check on the social side of our ecological system?
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Just as the Waorani focus their hunting on Chontaduros rather than Howler Monkeys, out of an innate balance with the world around them, we, who have in many ways attempted to live a life separate from nature, must now make the choice to balance our own social ecology, through the decision to work perennially in service of justice.
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Evolutionarily co-evolved ecosystems balance themselves through natural cycles of competition, predation, and disturbance. We humans have evolved complex social structures which we feel remove us from this system. We are wrong of course – humanity has been playing this game, along with the birds and the plants, since we were monkeys. Yet our hypersocialization has reached the point that, for a very short time, we are dominant. If this hypersocialization is a natural evolution, wherein our decisions affect the system, is it not our duty to make decisions which benefit the system?
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Although we are not extracted from biology, we feel we create our own rules around how we can live on this earth. If we're going to do so —if we're going to take our ecology into our own hands in such a way — then we must allow ecological balance to act through our individual decisions to work in service of justice. Maybe the decision to work towards justice is no different than the decision to catch a fish when you are hungry and leave it when you are not.
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Hyper-complex social structures are an overgrowth of our evolution. Perhaps Justice is to those social structures what predation is to biological systems – a critical element in the keeping of balance.
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-->Eric asked me if it was time to go. I came out of my self-indulgent, semi-sensible daydream, the canopy still a spinning Rorschach above me. I got up and shook the dust off my butt. Acid is a trip.
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We hiked back toward camp. Hey Eric, I said. Remember when it snowed? He looked back at me wide eyed, remembering the sight. I don't know if I'll ever see anything that incredible again.
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As we walked back, we expressed our gratitude to each other. I told him how grateful I was to have him. He told me how much he loved me. He told me that he thought I could be more open, open to his help, open to his support. It's something I have a hard time with. I can be stoic, I can be closed off. It was hard to hear.
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The hike back to camp went quickly. We wanted to get back while there was still some light so that we could take a dunk in that pond and rinse off the day's dirt and grime.
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We dumped our stuff at camp and continued on to the water. We got to the pond just as the sun was setting, a silky sky of white and pink, like the inside of the seashell, red ochre gleaming a thin trace at the horizon line. Birds swooped and chirped, singing songs of a complexity we can feel in our bodies. We can know their meaning, even if we tell ourselves we don't understand it.
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Eric was about 10 minutes behind. When I got to the pool, I went down to the water's edge and peered in.
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There are days when a lot of weird shit happens, but then there was this day...
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First there was the snow in the desert sunshine. That was one thing. But looking into this pond, I thought to myself, there's no way that I'm seeing two incomprehensible things in the same day.
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I'm not a professional naturalist, but I know a thing or two about the wildlife of the American West, which is why I was utterly flabbergasted to see in the water an animal swimming which I could not categorize. It's not that I didn't know what animal it was, it's that I didn't even know what general category of animal it was. It was something the likes of which I had never seen.
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I stared at it carefully as it swam through the water. It was least 12 inches long, as thick as my forearm. It had four legs like that of a salamander, and an incredibly long, thick fishtail like that of a very mature tadpole – but it was huge.
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But the thing that really set it apart from any other creature was that growing off of its head was a plant. At least that's how it looked. It appeared that its head was growing four- to six-inch long dreadlocks of leafy seaweed, billowing in the water as it swam. There's nothing I could say other than it looked like a Pokemon. Five, six, seven, eight of them drifted in the water, gently propelled by their tails, using their hands to grasp at leaves like frogs. And all the while their hair waving like some sort of living plant. I was fucking losing it.
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Looking at these animals, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Eric! I said, Eric! Come here! He was moving slowly, but he finally made it down and I pointed. Neither one of us knew what the fuck it was. We couldn't figure it out. They reminded me of Axolotls, which are tiny amphibians from Mexico, but there’s no way that’s what this was, and I knew there were no Axolotls in the US.
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We looked at them for a really long time, and decided that we were not gonna figure this out here, so we might as well just get in the water. As expected, they disappeared.
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We bathed in the cold water, rinsing the grime off our bodies, feeling completely refreshed as the sun dipped further behind with the horizon line. A great peace fell over us. The acid was really coming down now, sinking into a deep sense of calm. Eric felt some quivering shakiness in his legs. I felt a little bit jittery in the stomach, but nothing troubling. All in all, it had been a day beyond all perfect days. From having just enough fuel to make coffee, to coming up on acid in an ancient village, to feeling the rain on my face as I stood in the crossbeam of light in the depths of a cave, to the time that it snowed in 73 degree weather, to the granary in the skull, to my deep grief release in the beauty of the wilderness, to the incredible visage of that ancient petroglyph, to a mysterious unknown creature, and now to a perfect bath.
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We sat drying off, and as we got up and started to head back to camp, I said to Eric — Hey man, just so you know, just because this was a perfect day and nothing could have possibly been any better, doesn't mean we're not gonna have to finish with a Ziploc bag full of disgusting, cold, soggy mealy noodles. Fuck. He said, God dammit. I was laughing like a hyena at this point. Nothing to do but get to it. Let's eat as soon as we get back before it gets cold, so that at least we're not sitting in the cold eating cold soup.
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You're right, he said. We got back to camp, sat down and pulled the Ziploc bags out of the bear cans. We opened up the bags to find them steaming. I took a bite of the soup. It was hot, not just lightly warm — steaming hot, like the perfect eating temperature for a bowl of soup. The bear can must have been acting like a greenhouse, cooking our noodles. It was too good, the perfect endcap at the end of a too-perfect day — getting a hot meal, despite all odds.
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Eric and I climbed to the top of a sandstone outcrop, looking out as darkness fell over the valley. We toasted each other. We toasted our day. We toasted to our acid and all the magical benefits it can bring when done properly. We knew there had been a bit of risk in making this choice to take a big dose in remote wilderness with no sober person for miles. But we had made the right one, a little bit of risk for a lot of reward. We toasted to our friendship, and we went to bed.
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Addendum –
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A visit to the naturalists at the National Park headquarters gave us no help on figuring out what those mysterious Pokemon were in the pool. After some lengthy research of my own, however, I figured it out.
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When Western Tiger Salamanders are in their larval stage, they are very small, and have a tail – as well as external gills, growing from the sides of their heads. As they mature, and seasonal water supplies dwindle, their tails shrink and their external gills disappear so that they can breathe air and survive without water. However, in rare cases where these salamanders are living in permanent water sources (most commonly cattle troughs), there are cases when they never fully leave their larval stage, and continue to grow without ever shedding their external gills. They also get much larger than they otherwise would. So the result is an extra large, freakishly grown “Paedomorphic” salamander, which are sexually mature but in a stunted larval stage, with huge, plantlike dreadlocks growing out of its head. Ta-Da.<!-- End Body -->
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<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2020</td><td width="90">ExpID: 116881</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Not Specified</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 30</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 1, 2023</td><td>Views: 583</td></tr>
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<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Nature / Outdoors (23), Glowing Experiences (4), General (1)</td></tr>
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<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">50 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/paroxetine/">Pharms - Paroxetine</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(daily)</b></td>
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<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">4 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td>
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<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 15:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/alprazolam/">Pharms - Alprazolam</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td>
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">110 kg</td>
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<!-- Start Body -->
I am currently stabilyzing my mental health after more than 6 months of Panic Disorder and depression. As I have greatly improved since the beginning of my treatment, I felt ready to try a microdose of LSD and get some innerself perspective. Around 12 hours before this report, I had taken my daily dose of 50 mg of paroxetine.
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*Disclaimer: I am experienced at psychodelics, having used from the average beer to Salvia Divinorum. Nevertheless I had never used more than 1.5 tabs of LSD before and it was 6 years since my last psychodelics experience. I do not suggest, advise or encourage the use of any drugs whatsoever for mental health treatment.*
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I was at a friend’s house with 4 more friends and my cousin came by with 25 black star microdot he had just gotten. His statement is that each one had around 200 ug of LSD, lab tested, but I can’t confirm this information.
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9pm: my cousin gave me half of a leg of the star. No taste. I couldn’t believe how small it was and wondered if I was going to feel anything from that at all.
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9h30pm: I decided to ask for another piece as I was suspicious the dose was too low and I wouldn’t feel anything, even more because SSRIs may decrease the potency of LSD trips. I decided to drop 2 more “legs” and the other half the first. If the lab test was correct, it would account for 100 ug and be a mid to high dose and no longer a microdosing.
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10h30pm: I started to feel some kick from the LSD. I felt relaxed and started to have some visual distortions, where the plants started to be pulsating. I laid belly up on the floor and felt as if Earth was gently massaging me. I looked up and the shadows of the plants, projected by the light in front of them, created a pattern on the wall and I suddenly realized that this pattern was the woven threads of my life, where each knot represented a choice I had made and the various outcomes of what was and could have been. I looked at my phone to see what time it was and the numbers on the phone were melting but still readable. I spent sometime observing the “history” of my life and the possible outcomes I could have had.
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Unknown time: time was already becoming dilated and I can’t say how long it was before I decided to get up. Nevertheless I can say it was not long by putting together the timeframe of the night. At this moment, I had decided I wanted a full blown LSD trip to levels I had never tried before. I asked my cousin to give me the rest of that half microdot and 3 more. He was reluctant at first but in the end gave me
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11h45pm: I started to have extreme visual distortions and hallucinations. I wasn’t ready for the level of kick I had. I looked at a friend and his face was completely changed. His eyes were big black hollow dots and his visage appeared as as if it was one of those plague masks from the middle ages. I uttered I was not feeling well and I was taken by extreme panic. I could barely keep myself at foot. One of my friends sat me down and did a breathing exercise with me until I relaxed and stopped panicking. He told me it was only 15 minutes to midnight and that the drug was kickin in now and I should be aware that the trip was going to increase so the best was to let it take control and enjoy it as fighting it would do me no good. He emphasized that nothing bad was going to happen to me and that they would be with me all the way.
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11h45pm to 3h30am: I only know the timeframe because I was told later, but for me it could as well have been an eon. The visuals rapidly increased. Everything started to look like a Monet painting at first, but with shattered pieces that moved independently from one another. After some moments I started to see things in a way that is very difficult to discribe, but I’ll try my best: my view was like it was 2d. I couldn’t say the size of things nor what was just next to me or far away. At the same time everything appeared to blossom in many dimensions, as if all had expanded while the overall had contracted. Movements started to freeze and leave trails in my sight. All of a sudden everything was a big pattern with infinite dimensions. A complete loss of self took over me. I could no longer tell myself apart from the things surrounding me. The same happened for the sounds, where I couldn’t distinguish one specific sound from the other but at the same time they were as if separate notes within the same melody that was being created. Finally all my senses merged and I could feel, see, hear, smell and taste everything. Sound waves propagated in incredible colorwaves with different tastes and smells that I could feel as touching me from a distance, because somehow I was it all.
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While closing my eyes I could vividly see landscapes that belong to a sci-fi novel, made of what looked like machines of some sort. At a certain moment I opened my eyes and had visions of ethereal beings that looked like were made of smoke, appearing and disappearing. Despite not being able to tell myself from anything else, it was as those beings were separated entities. I can’t say if those were my friends walking around or part of the halucination.
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The enviroment started speaking to me telepathically, as if it was a limb in my body that was sending a signal directly to my brain and it said I was going to get cleaned up and purge all that was making me feel bad. I remember then having a urge to puke and vomited intensively. After this I felt pure and light as if there was no more gravity and my body was weightless. After this I remember having a sense of self again and “understood” (for a better way of putting it) that I was connected with the whole universe so it could heal me, and now that I was healed, it let me be myself again, as the universe having a humane experience.
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I don't remember the specifics of the next part, but I remember being in a totally different enviroment, with all colours shapes and sounds making shifting patterns controlled by a huge fibonacci like fractal that was timespace itself dictating the pace of everything.
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3h30am: I was able again to differentiate objects and recognize people, so I got up and had a better balance, even though still feeling weightless. I interacted with my friends but couldn’t say if I was speaking or thinking (was speaking obviously, because they could answer me back) and asked for a glass of water. After a few exchanges and seeing that everything was fine with me, the homeowner and another friend said they were going to sleep. I can’t pinpoint precisely what time it was, but I put 3h30am as they said it was almost 4 am. The rest of my friends that lived closer to me said that they were eager to walk to a bar nearby and have some beers for a couple of hours before going home and asked if I was alright going with them or if I preferred to go home. I decided to come along.
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3h30am to 6am: we stayed on the sidewalk next to the bar while my friends were drinking some beers. I didn’t want to drink as I take Xanax as a SOS for panic attacks and it can have potentially dangerous interactions with alcohol. Visuals were still strong but didn’t compare to before. At that moment I could clearly differentiate one object from another even though everything seemed different and changing. Things seemed to move and the stones that made the floor seemed to float. I looked at the sky and I saw as if the stars were shooting balls of light one to another. There was a path of light that ran like a river and up to the lamp posts as if it was the source of their electricity. Sometimes people would speak and I would see letters form in front of them as if subtitles in a movie. At a certain point someone said it was 6 am and everybody agreed to go home.
<br>
<br>
6 am until afternoon: We took a cab home and the moment the car accelerated it was if I was inside a tunnel of light going at light speed. When the car would stop in the lights, I looked at the asphalt and it was moving and changing as if it was fluid. I arrived home and spent literally hours listening to music and looking at my living room wall. The wall made shapes and figures that got out of them in multiple dimensions. My wife woke up to go to the gym and asked me what I was doing and I said I was tripping high on LSD. She asked if I wanted her to stay but I said it was ok for her to go for her workout. She came back and I was still there at the same spot, looking at an image of the ambient mode of my TV. It was a snowy mountain. I asked her if the picture was changing and she said no. I was seeing as if the snow in the mountain would melt and form a lake and then freeze again, all while changing colors. I could clearly see my wife surrounded by a blue aura. After some time I started to feel some muscular pain in my jaw and legs, which is usually the sign I get that the LSD trip is wearing off. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I started to feel some muscular pain in my jaw and legs, which is usually the sign I get that the LSD trip is wearing off.</div></div> I then decided to go to bed.
<br>
<br>
I spent some time laying at bed trying to sleep but my mind was still very much working. I decided to take 1 mg of Xanax to see if it would make me sleep. The effects at that point had diminished significantly and the only thing that I could notice on my visuals was that the wall of my bedroom seemed to extend to infinity. Nevertheless, after about an hour or so, I have no idea if related or not to the Xanax, I started to have vivid halucinations once again. (It might as well be the LSD that usually with me feels that it is finishing to then come back out of the blue)
<br>
<br>
Everything that was electrically related (switches, lamps, plugs) started to have colored magnetic fields around them. A mandala appeared around the lamp in my ceiling. This mandala didn’t follow my point of view. I tilted my head and I saw just a part of it as if it was a painting. Some tentacles the colour of those red wax seals started to come out of the walls and spread a thick wax through all my room, except for a more distant wall. This became like a movie screen where images would pop up like a film but, incredibly, with neon Japanese like subtitles. I kept watching amused all of that. My wife showed in the room and asked if I had hit baseline sobriety already to which I answered “unless the room is made of wax and there is a movie with neon japanese subtitles, I don’t think I am.”
<br>
<br>
She said it was almost 3 pm at that moment and asked if I wanted to eat something, to which I replied no. She said she would be in the living room in case I needed anything and closed the door. When the door shut it was if a wind storm took over the room and all the wax in the walls started to break in colored sandlike grains, filling all the floor of my room.
<br>
<br>
I then put some music on the headphones and closed my eyes, seeing incredible cascades of light that seemed to flow on the rhythm of the music. I can’t say how long it was before I slept, but at a certain point I did.
<br>
<br>
The very next day I woke up feeling wonderful. Everything seemed prettied and I felt more active, less anxious and the depression seemed to have gone. It lasted for a bit more than a week, with this positive after effects diminishing a bit everyday after the 3rd day. Nevertheless it was a spark for me to profit from this mood lift and started to do exercises again, to which I am maintaining steadily (week 3 now) and which is helping me to get better.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2022</td><td width="90">ExpID: 116911</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 35</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 6, 2023</td><td>Views: 766</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=116911&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=116911&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Pharms - Paroxetine (148), Pharms - Alprazolam (98) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Combinations (3), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">78 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
This report covers a trip that happened three days ago. Myself and my wife (“G”) each took one hit of LSD. I’ve used LSD around five or six times before. This was my wife’s first experience with it. We’ve both taken psilocybin many times (including “heroic/ego-death” doses).
<br>
<br>
The LSD in question was obtained from a source that a long-time friend assured me could be trusted not to sell potentially dangerous alternatives. We had the substance in our possession for probably around 8 months before ingestion as the right time never really came up (stored in a cool, dark place protected from air/temperature changes).
<br>
<br>
Having finally decided to take it, we settled on heading to a local botanical garden for the onset, and then seeing how things developed. This was a paid-entry park, full of beautiful trees and flowers, and very safe. A perfect place to enjoy nature and relax while the LSD kicked in. Our intention going in was simply to enjoy the experience but, as is often the case, the drug itself had other plans for one of us. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">Our intention going in was simply to enjoy the experience but, as is often the case, the drug itself had other plans for one of us.</div></div>
<br>
<br>
I took my blotter first, sliding it under my tongue and paying careful attention for any hint of bitterness/numbness that would indicate this was a no-go. The blotter tasted like nothing at all – a good sign, and “G” followed suit taking her own hit. I’d pre-packed a picnic bag for our expedition, so the only thing that remained was to call an Uber and make the +- 10 min trip to the park.
<br>
<br>
T + 00:15
<br>
<br>
In the Uber, I already started noticing that the trees on the side of the road had started to take on a little more intensity. A green and happy sheen that told me I was in for a good time. A very slight feeling of euphoria was starting up at this point (Note that while this seemed very early for the onset of any effects whatsoever, the “brightness” of the trees at this stage was confirmed later by “G”).
<br>
<br>
T + 00:20-00:30
<br>
<br>
At our destination, we joined a fairly long queue of people waiting to enter the park (peak season in our very tourist-friendly city). After a while we heard some others behind us discussing buying tickets online as this meant you could just head straight in, so as we waited “G” proceeded to navigate the online booking system and we managed to get digital tickets long before we were anywhere near the front of the line and then headed inside. Good timing, as we were both starting to feel distinctly “happy” by this point.
<br>
<br>
Once inside, we wandered around for a while looking for a nice shady area to set up. It was a very hot day, and we wanted somewhere that wasn’t too close to other people, so we walked through the gardens for probably around 15 minutes, looking for the perfect spot.
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<br>
T + 00:45-02:00
<br>
<br>
We eventually settled on a patch of shade under a tree that was a good distance from the next nearest people and spread out our picnic blanket and supplies as an increasing feeling of euphoria took hold. The trees and plants around us were becoming more enjoyable to look at by the minute. There were also birds, small insects, and the sounds of people all around. It was, in general, a very enjoyable and relaxing atmosphere, and we settled in on some pillows we’d brought and started listening to Dead can Dance’s “Anastasis” album on a shared pair of earbuds. This meant we could hear both the world around us (in one ear each) and the music playing.
<br>
<br>
The lyrics of the first song immediately made both of us quite giggly, and we lay on our backs staring up into the canopy above us, intermittently laughing. Every now and then I’d roll onto my stomach to observe the people around us in the gardens and I started to find it very amusing how seriously they all took themselves and how adamant so many humans are that we aren’t just apes. Watching people, it became very apparent to me exactly how apelike so much of human behaviour still is and when I mentioned this observation to “G” she concurred, and we proceeded to giggle to ourselves over this idea. In between, we snacked on the cheese and crackers and fruit we’d brought, and everything tasted amazing in our euphoric state.
<br>
<br>
We continued chatting about all of the bizarre things humans do – and “G” remarked that no wonder no-one had wanted to be drafted to go to Vietnam back in the 60s/70s if they were taking LSD and having these kinds of feelings/observations about the human race.
<br>
<br>
After a while, we both settled back onto our pillows and just let the music take us. At this stage, I was starting to have some visual distortions, mainly if I focused on the canopy (fractal-like patterns), and “G” was moving her hand through the air above her, apparently seeing some tracers.
<br>
<br>
When I closed my eyes, I started seeing bright glimpses of fractal patterns, and after a while I had the distinct sensation of being on a beautiful tropical island. This bit is somewhat hard to explain, but the sensation here was really delightful. I was seeing colours like one of those tropical island logos with the horizontal stripes of orange/pink for sunset and had the distinct impression of being on a tropical beach.
<br>
<br>
I could feel the palm trees around me, the crystalline, turquoise water lapping at the sand near my feet. My whole being felt like it was being bathed in this warm tropical water. It had a distinctly Caribbean vibe to it, and I was very, very happy and relaxed, feeling completely at ease in this soporific setting. When I eventually reluctantly opened my eyes again “G” informed me that she really needed to go find a bathroom and declined my offer to accompany her to look for one.
<br>
<br>
I asked her if she was sure and she insisted, so I watched her make her way (remarkably steadily) across the lawns and up a path under the trees and then turned my attention to a book of Japanese poetry I’d brought with me. I read a few pieces (the English translations) and then for the first time actually attempted to read the original Japanese as well (Romanized words) which was a very interesting experience. The sounds seemed to align perfectly with the sentiment being expressed in each poem.
<br>
<br>
After a while, I checked my phone to see if “G” had attempted to contact me but there were no messages. I was having difficulty keeping track of time by this point, so I sent her a message asking if she was managing (which also gave me a time stamp to refer back to so I’d know when I should start worrying).
<br>
<br>
From here on in, the times get a bit fuzzy so the following are approximations.
<br>
<br>
T + 02:15 (?)
<br>
<br>
After a while had passed without seeing “G”, I started wondering whether I should go look for her. I didn’t want her to get back to our spot and find me missing however, so I waited a little longer and eventually she turned up, making her way back across the lawn towards me.
<br>
<br>
When she reached our spot, I could see she was a bit worked up and she sank down onto the picnic blanket looking pretty stressed out and informed me she’d gotten lost and hadn’t managed to find the bathrooms after all.
<br>
<br>
“G” seemed at this point like she might be having a mild panic attack, so I tried to calm her a bit and eventually managed to get her to eat another plum and breathe normally (she was on the verge of hyperventilating) and she then mentioned she was experiencing pain in her back. After she’d settled a bit, we decided to go together to find the bathrooms, and we took the same path she’d previously gone along.
<br>
<br>
As we walked, “G” explained to me that part of her anxiety was around the fact that there were dinosaurs in the garden. Now at this point I grew somewhat concerned about how strongly the trip was affecting her, as I had barely had any open-eye visual effects apart from brightness and some fractalization of the scenery if I stared at it for long enough. Seeing entire dinosaurs seemed like a far leap and I assured her there weren’t any until we turned a corner in the path and I was taken aback by the presence of a something that looked like a small diplodocus standing among some prehistoric plants.
<br>
<br>
It took my high mind a few moments to parse this new development, and then I realised that this was part of an exhibition they had put up at the gardens. There really were dinosaurs peering out of the vegetation all around us as we walked, and I laughed with “G” about what a freaky thing this was to encounter by yourself on LSD in a botanical garden.
<br>
<br>
Eventually, with the path looping back round towards our starting point we managed to procure directions to the bathrooms from a kindly couple and finally completed our epic journey, and then managed to make it back to our spot under the tree.
<br>
<br>
A grand total of about 20 minutes had passed from when “G” had left me originally to us finding our way back to the spot from the bathrooms (judging by the time stamp of the message on my phone)
<br>
<br>
T + 02:30 (?)
<br>
<br>
After this, things seemed to be going south rather quickly for “G”, and she couldn’t quite regain the happy space we’d started the trip in. The pain in her back was getting worse (muscle spasms), and we made the decision to head back home where I hoped she’d be able to relax into things again.
<br>
<br>
I called up an Uber and we headed home, chatting to the driver as we went. I was feeling very confident and friendly throughout and had no problems talking to people and navigating the process of getting us home, while “G” was still somewhat more subdued, though she chatted with the driver a bit as well as we neared our house.
<br>
<br>
T + 03:00
<br>
<br>
At home, things seemed to take on a lighter tone and “G” was initially much happier, and also relieved to be at home with our animals rather than out in the world. We started up some music, and she got out some art materials and started sketching, and I relaxed on the couch, enjoying some very beautiful, closed-eye fractals – the same kind of bright, light visuals that I often get at a certain stage of psilocybin trips. These are usually patterns of white-light shapes on white backgrounds, that feel like the inside of a “temple of light” for lack of a better term.
<br>
<br>
Their appearance is typically accompanied by an elevated feeling, a kind of consciousness-expanding euphoria. I like this state of being very much, but it’s usually transitory, especially on mushrooms. I will note that the overall experience of LSD is quite different for me, however, from mushrooms. Somehow, psilocybin feels more “organic” and there’s typically more body-load, whereas LSD feels very “cerebral”.
<br>
<br>
The connection to nature is also quite different. Whereas on psilocybin I often feel very much entrenched in nature, on LSD the role feels more that of an observer – everything is still very beautiful but appreciated from more of a distance. A beautiful system we as humans are part of but not deeply interconnected with.
<br>
<br>
Though “G” was a bit happier by this stage, she was still experiencing increasingly painful spasms in her back muscles. She was also having trouble taking deep breaths as doing so would trigger the spasms. This would continue over the coming hours, eventually reaching a very painful intensity.
<br>
<br>
T + 05:00-08:00
<br>
<br>
During this period, my focus was mainly on trying to alleviate this pain by rubbing the muscles and trying to find a comfortable position for her to lie in, so I wasn’t paying much attention to the effects of the LSD. She also took some painkillers (two capsules containing paracetamol (acetaminophen) and ibuprofen) but these had no apparent effect. Eventually, “G” decided to take 10 mg of Valium in an attempt to get her tortured back muscles to finally relax. A quick google confirmed that this should be safe enough, and she took one pill while I kept an eye on her in the bedroom.
<br>
<br>
Amazingly, the back spasms persisted even through the painkillers and Valium. When “G” started crying, it finally sank in for me that there was something else happening here as well, and as I held her, she sobbed in my arms. I could sense there was something deep coming up here – a childhood pain I was all too familiar with from my own less than stellar experiences of youth.
<br>
<br>
I whispered for her to release it, let it go, and she proceeded to cry harder than I’d ever seen before, all the while still feeling the extraordinary pain of her spasming back. When she finally settled somewhat, we talked through what had just happened. It was related to a particularly traumatic childhood event that we’d discussed before, and I felt that these two things – the physical experience of pain and this deep traumatic event were somehow intrinsically linked.
<br>
<br>
She now proceeded to tell me this childhood story in greater detail than I’d previously heard it. The sensory experience of it. The aftermath. I had the distinct impression of her childhood self choosing this moment, and this vehicle, to highlight a pattern of thinking that had been hurting my dear wife for a very long time. She continued intermittently sobbing and talking to me, and in that moment, I somehow loved her more than I even knew was possible.
<br>
<br>
After these events she also confirmed to me that at a certain point she’d realised the only thing she could do was give in and let the waves of pain wash over and through her.
<br>
<br>
When things eventually calmed back down, “G” was exhausted – pretty much ready for lights out (it was evening by now) and still experiencing some pain from her back. I continued chatting to her about everything that had just happened, about our respective childhoods and the experiences we’ve had, and gently suggesting that she do some meditating and other forms of integration in the days to come.
<br>
<br>
T + 09:00 (?) through the rest of the trip
<br>
<br>
The final effects of the LSD took a few more hours to work out of our systems, and over this period of time, I had a couple of beers once I was content that “G” was going to be fine. It took me a long time to go to sleep, but when I eventually did so I only slept for a couple of hours, and then woke up for another four or so hours before I could finally pass out fully.
<br>
<br>
Overall, this experience, though deep and full of many painful aspects for “G”, was a very positive one for me. I actually felt pretty calm, happy and focused throughout, even in the depths of the worst parts. I was naturally concerned about “G”, but I knew she was going to be fine, and was pretty sure the pain aspect would solve itself in time, without us needing to resort to a trip to hospital (which would likely have made everything a thousand times more unpleasant and difficult). And of course, I knew she’d tell me if she felt that was necessary.
<br>
<br>
In the days since, “G” has been having a difficult time, but has dutifully worked on integrating the experience. Some pain has persisted. For my part, I’ve actually been in a really calm, happy mood throughout. I feel at peace and closer to my wife than before. I know this difficult experience is going to be one that ultimately leads to growth and learning, for both of us.
<br>
<br>
As always, the trips we go on aren’t always the ones we intend to take. But they most certainly are the ones we need to.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2022</td><td width="90">ExpID: 116943</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Not Specified</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 40</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 9, 2023</td><td>Views: 424</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=116943&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=116943&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Public Space (Museum, Park, etc) (53), Relationships (44), Second Hand Report (42), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2.5 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 10:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">10 st</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I have debated drafting this report for some time. Months have passed since my experience and since I am still unable to pass my incredibly intense psychedelic voyage off as ‘just being on drugs’ I have decided that this may help me get my head around what happened that day.
<br>
<br>
First I believe some background information is necessary. I was going camping with some friends and my girlfriend to somewhere with a beach and nice views, I also happened to have received some incredibly strong (250ug) LSD in the post, ordered from the deep web. I had decided long for before leaving that I wanted to go further than I have ever been before, I wanted to take the deepest plunge I had ever taken in my 5 years of psychedelic drug use.
<br>
<br>
I managed to convince several of my friends, including my girlfriend to participate, however several of them had little to no experience with acid. My girl (who we will call Rebecca for the sake of this report) decided she would use her own acid as it was weaker (150ug) and she agreed to give some to the rest of the group, leaving me and my best friend (and also my trip partner for much of my psychedelic career) 2 tabs each of my 250ug tabs.
<br>
<br>
Anyway we arrived at our campsite and set up and spent the first day and night smoking weed with a fire, eating some nice food and having a general laugh. We all decided that the following day would be spent on LSD.
<br>
<br>
The next morning, we awoke and I was incredibly excited, I had a shower and got ready as fast as possible, skipping breakfast so I could begin the trip on an empty stomach as I have been told this increases the intensity of the trip. We gathered around our tents and each member of the group took tabs from Rebecca, I handed my friend 2 tabs realizing that I had one more tab than I thought and thus decided to half it with scissors so we could take 2 and a half.
<br>
<br>
We all dropped and to be honest I feel much of the beginning of the trip isn’t really worth mentioning beyond me explaining that it was going fine, nothing too intense, just hysterical laughter and incredibly beautiful hallucinations, it felt like it was going to be a pretty nice trip.
<br>
<br>
After a few hours the group began to split up, some of us were staring out over the ocean, perplexed by its incredible natural beauty, enhanced by the incredible psychedelic hallucinations we were all experiencing. Some were sniffing cocaine in a tent, and some were tending to one of my mates who dropped one of the 150ug tabs, he was having a very bad time. For selfish reasons I decided not to try help my friend due to the fact that about 45 minutes previously I had just dropped one of my girlfriend's tabs on top of my two and half 250ug’s. Things were really starting to get intense for me and I didn’t want to send myself down the wrong path by communicating with someone who genuinely believed he needed to call his mother because (and I quote) ‘he’d lost his mind to the ocean's sound waves’.
<br>
<br>
Instead I decided to search for Rebecca who seemed to have vanished. I found her in the tent having a lie down, she said things got a little bit too much for her out there. This is when my trip really changed. I took my girlfriends hands and kissed her, then I found myself lying down, but then as quick as I found myself lying down I was holding her hand again, in exactly the same position, as if I had imagined lying down, so I lay down again and the same thing happened, I appeared to be caught in a loop.
<br>
<br>
This happened for quite some time, and really got very freaky for me (and my girlfriend who wasn’t experiencing this and just thought I was a total nutter shouting about being stuck in a time loop). Whilst this was happening my mind was searching for explanations, analyzing everything, from Rebecca’s facial expressions to the way my friends were behaving <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">my mind was searching for explanations, analyzing everything, from Rebecca’s facial expressions to the way my friends were behaving</div></div>, I gradually built up a complex in my head that to this day I struggle to explain, comprehend and put into words. I believed (and I mean really fucking believed) that through taking such a high dose of acid I had in some way unraveled space and time, quite literally to a point where I was experiencing communication with the infinite layers/dimensions that make up reality, it was like I could literally feel, hear and communicate with it all. It was like there was infinite versions of my girlfriend who knew exactly what I was thinking, at points it felt like I had hurt her greatly and then there were moments of beauty, but they were all individual moments that had been experienced with these infinite versions of her. I also communicated with my parents, I literally spoke to my dad and he told me he had never liked Rebecca and that I'd be better without her, but then another version of him was more supporting. It was insane to say the least.
<br>
<br>
I then gradually began to believe that I had came to the end of the world, like literally the edge of the world, and my life had all been leading to this exact moment, and now I had unravelled reality I was going to hell. I also began to believe that my friends had all been guardians for me to reach this point and now their job was complete, they had led me to the gates of hell and all I had to now do was fall back and collapse into the devil’s arms. Rebecca at this point had left the tent as I was really starting to freak her out.
<br>
<br>
The trip at this point was getting incredibly intense, I could not dream of being able to put any of it into words but it was honestly the most insane experience of my life, my ego had completely dissolved into nothing but I also felt like I myself had fallen into a void of which I would never emerge, a totally different feeling to that which I am used to on acid.
<br>
<br>
I doubted my life, I doubted reality, yet I felt like I understood everything in those moments… I literally understand the nature of reality and it still baffles me to now, I cannot explain it… what’s worse is that this explanation of reality was not what I expected… I previously believed that to be enlightened would be beautiful… this was not beautiful; it was fucking terrifying.
<br>
<br>
However, despite its scariness I still had a good time. Whilst all this had been happening I very quickly came to the realization that I had completely lost my fucking mind, I’m talking bat shit insane and I knew it, but I was glad... Actually scrap that I was over the moon, I was literally like (and I was saying this to myself when Rebecca had left) ‘I'm glad if lost my mind, I hope I never find it again’. I was caught in this limbo, I wished I had never come to understand this incredible euphony [epiphany?] (and in many respects I didn’t and still don’t) yet at the same time I wasn’t sure how I could live on knowing what I now know.
<br>
<br>
The trip continued and I managed to pull myself together a little bit, I rejoined the group and spent the rest of the trip rolling up and chonging weed, watching a very beautiful sunset over the ocean, absolutely fucked out of my mind. I remember thinking to myself that I wish I could stay in this moment forever, because in that moment everything was so clear, I fully understood reality and whilst it was scary, I was still glad to understand. I think the worst part was knowing that as soon as the drugs wore off I would not be able comprehend any of my experience, this made me incredibly sad.
<br>
<br>
By this point all of my friends were sniffing copious amounts of cocaine in a tent saying their trips had pretty much finished, I was still sat there feeling like I was on the tail end of a 150ug peak, and we’d been tripping for about 10/11 hours at this point. The rest of the trip is a blur to be honest, however I remember sharing some beautiful moments with my girlfriend whilst listening to tycho. We had amazing sex for the next 2/3 hours (if you’ve ever had sex on acid I’m sure you’ll understand how this was possible) which only ended because I was literally dripping sweat on my girlfriend due to the heat inside the tent. We then fell asleep and I woke up and to this day I’ve been unable to get my head round it.
<br>
<br>
Well this was my feeble attempt to explain it, <!-- I hope that you got some sort of enjoyment out of reading my tale, and if anyone has ever experienced something similar, I would love to hear about your experience as--> I am still of two minds as to whether I should approach my revelation as drug fuelled nonsense or a genuine insight as to the nature of reality?
<br>
<br>
<span class="erowid-note">[Erowid Note:
Claims of measured microgram dosages for LSD are usually unsupported. Quantitative measurements for LSD are very difficult to do and cannot be done casually. Without further detailed information about how the measurements were derived, it is reasonable to assume that most statements of microgram dosages of LSD on blotter or in microdots are either misinformed or overstated.]</span><!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2017</td><td width="90">ExpID: 110851</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 22</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 9, 2023</td><td>Views: 868</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=110851&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=110851&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">20 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">insufflated</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/ketamine/">Ketamine</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">90 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Prior to this experience, I've had LSD only twice before. It has been both a wonderful experience, as well as a catalyst for surfacing some of my past traumas - which until that moment I had done my best to bury deep down so much so that I had completely forgotten why I am the person that I am today. I was introduced to this drug by my now ex-girlfriend.
<br>
<br>
The first time it was with a group of friends that I had known and was close to, to some extents. At some point during the trip, I realised that some of my issues would resurface which is why I had to separate myself from the group and listen to the sort of music that would calm me down and keep me in my "happy space". My heart beats Heavy Metal.
<br>
<br>
The second time was done only with the ex-girlfriend. It started off great, with a lot of laughs, jokes, and a bit of crazy-talk. Several hours into the trip, sitting in front of the fireplace together, she asks something that completely shattered me to the core.
<br>
<br>
Why am I asking for permission to live?
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<br>
As a child, I've had a very tough time growing up. I've been "fortunate" enough to live in fear for the first years of my life due to the ongoing violence happening in our house. Between shouts, screams, tears, and punches, I had seen it all. The only reasonable way I could conceive to cope with this was by shutting myself down out of fear of being hurt, or of potentially hurting someone. The only times when I could ever so slightly feel like myself was when I had gained approval from my peers to exhibit and express myself. Just for a bit.
<br>
<br>
Sharing this was a gargantuan task, and it took a lot of effort. Come next day, I felt very vulnerable. Upon speaking about it, we both came to uncover that we share similar burdens, and that they need to be addressed. The first rational step at that point in time was for us to break up.
<br>
<br>
Fast-forward a month, and I am excited to go out with a couple of friends to a Dubstep rave. This would be the fourth party I'd go to since the break-up and, although the heartbreak is still lingering a little bit, I was confident that all will be well. Concerts and raves are my coping mechanism. To add to that, in spite of all the partying, I had made incredible progress in finding where my issues lie, how they tie-in with my childhood traumas, and slowly but surely start loving myself. I decided it's time to take LSD again.
<br>
<br>
Some trippers might think that the setting is completely wrong (heck, even the mindset). Dubstep is a very aggressive style of music, which in combination with LSD could only lead to a very, very, very bad trip. Right? Not in the slightest. I did mention that my heart beats Heavy Metal however, that is wrong. Metal was there first, but in general I love aggressive music. It's what makes me feel comfortable, relaxed, and at peace. After my previous experiences with LSD (as hard as they were), I knew that this would be a night where I can have an intimate connection with music.
<br>
<br>
And I did. The heavy bass thumping in my chest, the syncopated cacophony of synthesized growls and aggressive leads fighting with one another, and the bone-crushing drums in combination with LSD made me feel alive. I could appreciate every artist, every drop, every unnatural sound, the crowd, and my friends. At some point, I was so elated, that I hugged and thanked profusely my friends for coming and being there with me. Both are not well versed into this style of music, so the fact that I could be there to share and introduce something I like made me incredibly happy.
<br>
<br>
It's worthwhile mentioning that neither of my friends were on LSD. Both were smoking weed, with one also having a light dose of MDMA. It's worthwhile mentioning that I didn't take a lot of LSD either; 150ug to be precise. I didn't want to go too hard since this would have been my first time dropping acid in the wild. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I didn't want to go too hard since this would have been my first time dropping acid in the wild.</div></div> As the ever so "cautious" person that I am, the dosage seemed right. However, being the ever so "contingent" person, I decided to bring a bit of Ketamine. Just in case.
<br>
<br>
It's 3AM, one of my friends left home, the venue closes in two hours, and it's been about three hours since I have peaked. As good as it was, I felt confident that I could have done more acid (note to self for the next time), but since I had none with me, I decided to go for a bit of Ketamine. I am well aware of its effects, as well as the downsides that come with it. As a result, I took only a light dose: 20mg, insufflated.
<br>
<br>
The party goes on. I feel a bit more euphoric as well as a bit of disassociation. The music is getting slimier, harder to digest, downright revolting, offensive, repulsive, and most likely breaking the Geneva Convention. Just the way I like it.
<br>
<br>
It's about 4AM and my friend wants to go out for a smoke. I go outside to keep him company, and notice he doesn't have a cigarette, but rather a joint. I am obviously not in my rightful mind, and that joint seems kind of enticing, even though having consumed two substances is already enough. Moreover, somewhere in the back of my head I knew that LSD does not gel with Cannabis, which could turn the blissful night into a downright mess. I ask anyways. I have one puff.
<br>
<br>
It is at this point that you, my dear reader, should know that I am extremely lightweight when it comes to Cannabis or Hashish. So lightweight in fact, that when I saw Deep Purple live, one puff from another friend's joint was enough to get me really stoned for an hour an a half. So much so, that I could barely finish my drink, move, or keep my mouth closed (thankfully I did not salivate). But, I thoroughly enjoyed the magic carpet ride that was Purple's show.
<br>
<br>
It must have been 5 minutes or so since that puff, and its effects started taking over. For the first few minutes, it felt like my entire body was high. Then, I started disassociating even more. The insides of my mouth became drier than the desert sand. My friends is talking about... something. I can't remember what, but that should not be of any surprise. I wasn't even paying attention, just nodding and making sounds. I tell him that this concoction is doing its job, and it's hitting me. Hard. I go inside and order two glasses of water. I chug both down for what started to feel like an eternity. I'm in the middle of a room, holding two empty cups of water, surrounded by people minding their business, and wondering how many minutes have passed since I went inside. Was it 5? 10? Everything around me seemed like it was moving at a regular pace, but I felt slow. I try to not panic.
<br>
<br>
Are there any trains that I can take home? No. That means I have to walk 45 minutes.
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<br>
My friend was just about finishing his smoke when I rejoined him outside. Upon inquiry, it turns out that it took me only two minutes to drink my water and make a plan of escape. Since the only way home was the hard way, I decided to stick around and keep raving. Surely, dancing will help me blow off some steam and keep my wits about.
<br>
<br>
It must have been 10 or 15 minutes when I realised that something was very very off. I had a hard time being in the present and concentrating on the music. My body was dancing, but my mind was in the ether. Every moment I had tried to focus on was ephemeral. My consciousness was at war with my subconsciousness, and the latter was winning. I was still dancing, but could barely register what was happening in front of me, let alone have any spatial awareness.
<br>
<br>
Was I too close to a person? Was I against the wall? Where is my friend? What the hell is happening?
<br>
<br>
My consciousness was barred from receiving any answers. The subconscious transported me on a plane where I could clearly communicate with it, but in order to do so it had to take over the system.
<br>
<br>
I cannot say what we talked about as the war between my conscious and subconscious self was too distracting. I was reminded of my meditation exercises, and tried to force myself in the here and now. I tried. The sweet embrace of the subconsciousness and the promise of uncovering all the mysteries of my inner self was too appealing. It felt comfortable, and so very wrong. I realised that I had done too much, and was at risk. Not sure what risk, but I knew I lost control over myself. This struggle kept on for several more minutes.
<br>
<br>
It's about 4:35AM and I tell my friend that I need to get home. The concoction has gone awry and is taking over. I find myself in a queue waiting to pick-up our jackets. I find myself handing over the token to get my stuff. I find myself dressing up, and then out in the street.
<br>
<br>
As we're walking together, I entertain a conversation which I cannot follow. The duel between my two selves has taken a different form and the effects of the drugs are different. I subtly try to signal my friend that it's gotten messy. He gets the hint, and asks about what I feel.
<br>
<br>
Imagine a brief moment of consciousness. That snapshot into the real world becomes a "What if?" scenario. What if I had said something different? What if I had done something different? What if I went a different way? It becomes a glimpse into an alternate timeline where my actions are different to the now. I can (mentally) see it play out in front of me, although my body feels and hears something completely different. I found this duality between our universe and the parallel ones enticing. I really wish I could have explored what the other worlds had to offer. However, I knew that I could not let myself go on an adventure. Not yet. Not while I was in the cold, in an unsafe space. I was afraid that the visions would take over, and I would find myself standing (unknowingly) in front of a car. My friend decides to walk me all the way home.
<br>
<br>
We've left the venue just 10 minutes ago. It felt like an eternity.
<br>
<br>
The walk home was a constant struggle between me keeping up with reality (so I can see what is going on in front of me), and being carried away by the hundreds of other visions fighting for a prime spot. I was still talking and somewhat (sometimes) listening to what my friend had to say. I found that I could try and focus on his stories, but those would immediately take a life of their own and play out in front of my eyes. Trying to stay in the present is what worked best, although for a brief moment. But then, like a muscle that you exercise, I could hold consciousness for longer: two moments. And then more. And then I could focus for a few seconds. Is this the effect of the drugs coming off? Wishful thinking. A slight moment of weakness is enough to make me zone out for several minutes. However, the closer I got to my apartment, the more hopeful I was that they would still be there. I had hoped that once in a safe environment I could explore those visions and my parallel selves.
<br>
<br>
We arrive at around 5:15AM and I invite my friend over if not to crash on my couch until the morning, at least to have a bathroom break. He leaves, and I eagerly play some music. Something is off. The calmness of being in a safe space has put an end to the war. My consciousness won. I am still me. I accept that the drugs might be wearing off, and think that this might be for the better. Who knows what I could have seen.
<br>
<br>
I stick around for a little longer, and keep listening to music. A bit of Dubstep to ceremoniously end the night, followed by some Psydub to royally greet the sunrise.
<br>
<br>
Wait. What's that? When I close my eyes on psychedelics I usually see shapes moving in tandem with the music, not people. And these weren't regular people, either. For starters, they were all ravers. And they had holes, especially where the eyes sit. Those holes were grey. I let the film play out.
<br>
<br>
It was as if somebody made a music video out of GIFs where people are crudely cropped out with the magic wand in Photoshop, and placed on top of a colourful background that could have only been drawn in Microsoft Paint. The colours start to shift and the people are now grey and green. On occasion I would see some intricate shapes with the ever-present grey holes eating them bit by bit. And why does Windows XP have a cameo in my trip? Hmm... This aesthetic is eerily familiar.
<br>
<br>
Oh God, I'm tripping in Vaporwave!?
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<br>
Slowly but surely, the effects start to die down, I am enveloped by the music, and fall asleep on the couch.
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<br>
As interesting as this was, it was also a harrowing experience. The fear of losing control or getting hit by a vehicle was real. (I hope) I did my best to not showcase that, even though I was scared.
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<br>
I will keep this experience for future reference. If I am to combine substances ever again, then I need to double down and understand the interaction effects. And to stay as far away from weed. At this moment, I am not sure if I ever want to chase this dragon. Maybe I will, but most likely I won't. It was too much of a close call for my own liking, but interesting nonetheless.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2022</td><td width="90">ExpID: 116880</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 28</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 14, 2023</td><td>Views: 725</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=116880&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=116880&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">Cannabis (1), Ketamine (31), LSD (2) : Rave / Dance Event (18), Music Discussion (22), Difficult Experiences (5), Combinations (3)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(gel tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/tobacco/">Tobacco - Cigarettes</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1/4 cig.</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(flowers)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 4:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">Multiple joints/cigs</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/tobacco/">Tobacco - Cigarettes</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 13:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1/2 cig.</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(flowers)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 13:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1/2 cig.</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/tobacco/">Tobacco</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(leaves)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">175 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I like to think I'm a fairly experienced drug user. I have smoked marijuana daily since I was 15 and have dropped LSD close to a dozen times. I've also tried mushrooms, San Pedro cactus, ketamine, and dabbled (regrettably) in various pharmaceuticals.
<br>
<br>
The vast majority of the LSD I have taken came in simple, plain white tabs. It was super clean, albeit weak doses and I enjoyed my experiences with them immensely. Recently, a new form of acid showed up in the local scene: windowpane gels of various colors and strengths. When these gels first showed up, most of the LSD users I knew were healthily skeptical. Bad acid has been a problem among our college community before, and I didn't want to get NBOME'd by accident. The fears around these gels were only increased when I heard from friends that it felt markedly different than any other acid they had done.
<br>
<br>
Then a friend of mine got a hold of a test called Ehrlich's reagent, and much to our surprise the gels tested as being positive for LSD. My understanding of Ehrlich's reagent is that it cannot differentiate between different ergoloids. In other words, the test proved that it is either LSD or a chemical markedly similar that would also test positive. Given the recent resurgence of real LSD on the blackmarket, I would assume with fairly high certainty that these gels did indeed contain real LSD.
<br>
<br>
<!-- So what would account for the difference people were noticing in the effects? The only reasonable assumption would be the sheer strength of the acid in these gels. -->My first experience was taking half of a red gel (rumored to be especially visual). The strength of my trip off of half of a gel easily matched up to the intensity of 2 hits of any other acid I've taken. And the visuals and colors were far flashier and in-your-face than any I've had before. The experience I am documenting today came shortly after my experiment with a half a red gel. This time I took a full gel. And I was so not prepared.
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<br>
10:00am - Swallowed the tab. I don't ever bother leaving LSD on my tongue, since it has always been my opinion that the oral bioavailability of LSD is far superior to sublingual administration. I also appreciate the generally slower come-up from swallowing rather than leaving it on my tongue.
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<br>
10:20am - Just got out of the shower. I feel a touch different. There is an unmistakable click in my internal mechanisms that I feel each and every time I have dosed. This time is no different. I think I am noticing mild tracers, but that could be placebo.
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<br>
10:50am - I'm at a Starbucks with my girlfriend, who has agreed to tripsit me today. I am initially feeling confident enough to go inside to order my coffee, but I am promptly overwhelmed by the atmosphere. I tell my girlfriend to get me a green tea and I step outside to smoke a cigarette.
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<br>
11:00am - People watching. Human beings are fucking weird. A mom is yelling at her kid for something, but I don't know what. I don't like that. My girlfriend comes out with my green tea, but I am no longer interested in drinking it. We walk to her car to drive back to campus. Colors are really popping everywhere and the dimensions of objects seem surreal.
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<br>
11:20am - I'm back at my apartment getting my backpack together for my journey. I feel like I'm racing against the clock, I am swiftly sinking deeper into the effects. I look in the mirror briefly and realize how stupid I must look to people. I kind of want to slap that stupid grin off my face.
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<br>
12:00pm - I'm walking through a meadow with my girlfriend. I don't remember exactly how we got here, but my watch tells me I am two hours into the experience. I am very interested in flowers right now. Each and every flower I come across, I put in my girlfriend's hair which she thinks is sweet. I feel like an asshole for being so cheesy, but I fucking love picking flowers for her. I love her.
<br>
<br>
12:30pm - We stumble across two girls a couple years younger than us as we walk through the woods. They told us they had just graduated from high school and asked if we wanted to match some weed with them. I offer to roll the blunt, as usually I have impeccable rolling skills. I break both wraps I have, and one of the girls we met offers to roll a joint with one of her hemp papers instead. I apologize profusely and explain that I am tripping my balls off and that my coordination is off. She said it was no problem, but I feel very embarrassed.
<br>
<br>
---this is where my trip starts taking an unpleasant turn and I was less concerned with keeping time, so the following time markers are very rough estimates---
<br>
<br>
12:50pm - We smoked a joint between the four of us that contained 1-1.5 grams of marijuana. I am tripping my balls off. Surfaces are breathing and ripping. Patterns are erupting in the sky. Time has slowed to crawl and I begin to feel unwell. My face is getting hot, the very same symptom that kicked off my last bad trip over a here ago. This time though, the intensity of discomfort is far beyond anything I could imagine.
<br>
<br>
1:00pm - It's too much. I'm trying to keep my cool in front of these people, but I can't. I stand up and politely explain that I had smoked too much and needed to leave. The two girls seem confused but my girlfriend understands what is going on and follows me down the path. I'm walking and crying. I want it to stop. I close my eyes and I see powerful kaleidoscopes overtaking my mind. And then everything went black and I felt myself being tugged down the rabbit hole. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I'm walking and crying. I want it to stop. I close my eyes and I see powerful kaleidoscopes overtaking my mind. And then everything went black and I felt myself being tugged down the rabbit hole.</div></div> I don't know exactly how to describe this, but 'rabbit-hole' was the thought I had as I was falling down it so I will describe it in this way. There's a lot of ringing and after what seemed like eternity, I was back walking down the trail. I'm still crying and yelling, and I realize that I must be scaring my girlfriend. She keeps saying, you're fine, you're fine. But I know I'm anything but fine.
<br>
<br>
1:15 - We are almost back to our apartment and I am forcing myself to not scream and cry for the sole sake of not getting arrested. However, as we approach the building campus police pull up right next to us. Fear pounds in my heart. My mind began to race. I figured someone must have heard me freaking out in the woods and called them and they were here to take me away. I would be arrested while tripping. It was a nightmare. To make matters worse, my girlfriend was very stoned and we both reeked of marijuana. I kept walking, holding in the urge to break down.
<br>
<br>
We enter the building and I can hear the cops coming after me, I rush into our apartment and go into my room and shut the door. I can hear the cops banging on the door, coming after me. I peek out the window and see the campus cop still sitting in his vehicle taking notes. The sound of the knocking on the door stopped. Then I begin to realize he is taking notes about me. He's writing about I'm on drugs for the paperwork before he comes and gets me. I feel like I'm dying. I tell my girlfriend that I thought I might be a danger to myself. 'You're just on acid, you're fine' she kept saying. That sentence echoed in my head for what seemed like forever. Then the whole debacle started over. This looped last for what felt like forever.
<br>
<br>
2:00 My friend John comes over, my girlfriend had called him to come calm me down. John doesn't do LSD ever anymore, but he had been around the block and done a shit-ton in the past so he knew what to do. He starts talking about things I like, we talk about the Grateful Dead, how cool his new guitar is, how I'll be laughing about this whole incident come tomorrow morning. I'm still feeling awful, but the conversation removed me from the loop I was stuck in.
<br>
<br>
2:30 John and my girlfriend walk me back into the woods, to a beautiful bridge-gazebo underneath a canopy of trees. I'm starting to calm down a bit, though I am still very anxious. My girlfriend and John smoke a good bit of pot and keep an eye on me from a distance. They must be thinking I'm insane.I'm very concerned about everyone finding out about this meltdown. People will be talking about what a fucking stupid acidhead I am and that I brought it on myself. I'm chain smoking cigs and chasing these thoughts around my head. The sky is swirling in a flurry of psychedelic pattern.
<br>
<br>
4:00 John has to go back to his place to do some homework, and I'm in a fairly better state. I curled up under some blankets in my room and turned on Family Guy. The show seemed detached and unfunny, but brilliantly visual. Even if it's comedy seemed bland in the moment, having a familiar TV show playing did wonders to calm me down.
<br>
<br>
7:00 The effects of the acid are beginning to wane. I just wanna smoke some weed. My girlfriend, however, thinks it's a bad idea until the effects have fully worn off.
<br>
<br>
11:00 I am comfortably down from the acid. I go out to the woods to smoke a blunt before bed. Reflecting on the day, as horrible as it was, I felt much better once I had gotten it all out of my system. Incredibly cathartic.
<br>
<br>
All in all, this was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I swore off tripping at the end of the experience. My quitting was short-lived, however, when I dropped a gel with some friends two weeks later. That time, I smoked no marijuana and had a paranoia-free trip. This is leading me to believe that marijuana just tends to affect my trips negatively and I should refrain from using it while dosed.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2016</td><td width="90">ExpID: 108755</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 21</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Mar 20, 2023</td><td>Views: 565</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=108755&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=108755&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : General (1), Combinations (3), Difficult Experiences (5), Glowing Experiences (4), Guides / Sitters (39), Relationships (44), Various (28)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">170 ug</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/nitrous/">Nitrous Oxide</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
During the last school holidays, my friend, Robbie told me that another friend of ours had the house to herself and we were welcome to come over and try LSD for the first time. I have been eager to do so for years and embraced the opportunity. Robbie invited our other friend, Leo, which I was delighted by as I had my own secret hope that he would be able to join in. Leo had dropped acid twice before.
<br>
<br>
I bought and tested two tabs, advertised as 250 µg each, the day before and met up with the lads at around 9pm. I was disappointed to be starting so late, but had a family dinner scheduled beforehand, so decided to just embrace the night trip. They met me on my bus and we wondered around the coastal suburb, getting a six-pack of beers and some snacks for a couple of other people who were at the host’s house - her friends who I didn’t know.
<br>
<br>
We arrived and split the two tabs rather haphazardly between the three of us with a pair of scissors, but it ended up close to evenly divided, then dropped them (I initially held mine sublingually). This was at around 9:45pm. As we waited for the come-up, we proceeded to chat with the other visitors, observing each-other’s pupils grow over the next half hour or so.
<br>
<br>
At 10:30pm-ish, everyone but my fellow trippers, the host, and her close friend left. <!--One of them was the guy who I had bought the beers for and he asked for my details so he could pay me back. I told him not to worry, that they were on me, citing that it was a ‘trek’ to take my phone out. Leo laughed and suggested that was the acid talking.
<br/>
-->The host and her friend retreated to her room, getting ready for bed while our night was just beginning. As we waited for a sign of the trip, a table caught our eye. It was wooden and the pattern on its surface had a trippy 3d effect. We spent a long time trying to ascertain whether this was us tripping or the table was just innately trippy. I was disappointed to find that it really was just the table, but, that said, looking back, my state of mind was definitely already altered - I was fascinated by the table, whether it was exhibiting visuals or not; also, I was unconsciously rubbing my hands and feet on the carpet, enjoying the tactile sensation. Around this point, my friends’ jokes had the capacity to send me reeling back, wheezing with laughter.
<br>
<!--
<br/>
Our humour took a meta, almost cynical tone to my surprise. When Robbie said that a painting looked like it was shifting between the seasons, I quipped that ‘That’s a little far man’.
<br/>
-->
<br>
Robbie and I decided to take a hit of nitrous, hoping it would kickstart the trip, as we weren’t experiencing significant visuals and I hadn’t really registered a change yet (although looking back, it was there in my frame of mind). This was probably around 90 minutes in. I listened to Autechre’s ‘Gantz Graf’ through headphones, which was an odd choice looking back. <!-- - I find music can make or break the quality of a nang and--> I would’ve preferred something mellower and less cerebral. Fortunately, the abrasive sounds weren’t overly negative to my ears, just not as appreciated as they might have been sober.
<br>
<br>
I first noticed visuals soon after as I was lying on the couch, chatting idly with the lads and looking at the overhead lamp - the little black spots in the lamp, dead bugs I assume, started to mesmerisingly fade in and out in a subtle dance. I was extremely excited to be experiencing the visual. Leo told me not to stare at the lamp for the sake of my eye health and I felt very touched by his consideration.
<br>
<br>
At a certain point, Leo suggested having a snack and we found some bread in the kitchen. I found this to be one of the most altered experiences. It was basically flavourless, but as I chewed I had the feeling that I was compressing and compressing the bread infinitely in my mouth. I asked Leo if his bread was good and he said ‘It’s not good or bad, it’s just bread.’ Aside from being pretty amusing, this felt like an extremely profound nugget of stoicism to me. We continued to ruminate on the bread, observing that individual crumbs are dry, while a whole piece of bread is somewhat moist - Leo mused that of course this was true, as the crumbs are separated from the mother of the bread and so have no sustenance for themselves. We then amused ourself at the thought of eating this personified bread. I found this hilarious and subversive because having expected to be in a mellow and empathetic state, I was instead reveling in the carnage I was reaping onto this poor bread.
<br>
<br>
Visuals were by this point very fascinating. The pattern on table mentioned earlier swam nicely. The host’s ornate ceiling waved and rippled. We resolved to listen to music separately with headphones for a while, but this did not end up eventuating for quite a while as Leo’s headphones were in his bag, which was in the room where the host and her friend were sleeping. We were very hesitant to go inside, I felt mildly violative, so it was a tentative process. Initially, Robbie headed in and the whole thing felt like a spy mission. This initial attempt was unsuccessful, but did result in the attainment of a bag of chips, which were highly appreciated. I loved the saltiness, which pierced through my otherwise insensitive palette.
We found ourselves in the bathroom, looking into the mirror. I got the sense that we were three aliens exploring a plane of our own. I loved the childlike imagination. Finally, Leo bit the bullet and found his bag, and I hit shuffle on a playlist I had prepared earlier, headphones on.
<br>
<br>
A live Bill Evans song came on. It was moderately enjoyable, no more so than it would have been sober. The interesting part was that the whispers of audience members which persist through the whole song felt highly amplified to me, becoming as loud as the instruments themselves. These were neither scary, nor empathetic to me. Just curious. I feel very conscious of my friends moving behind me out of sight as I look at the wall and I’m surprised to find they are still when I turn around.
<br>
<br>
We then continued to do our own thing, and the other two seemed to drift into another room. The next track to come on on my playlist was by Caroline Shaw, a choral composer, from her Partita for Eight Voices. It’s energetic, sonorous music. I liked the sound of it, so hit play on the entire composition and went to the bathroom. The mirror was overwhelming. My face was covered in patterns that almost looked like small pimples or veins pulsing. Further, the dimensions of my face changed rapidly, to the rhythm of the music. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">The mirror was overwhelming. My face was covered in patterns that almost looked like small pimples or veins pulsing. Further, the dimensions of my face changed rapidly, to the rhythm of the music.</div></div> It reminded me of comparisons of focal lengths of camera lenses, like my face was becoming a portrait taken from a bunch of different lenses in quick succession. I also got a sense that this was analogous to ageing. This was overwhelming, and even a little scary, but in a way I appreciated.
<br>
<br>
Wanting to be both solitary and warm, I draped a blanket over myself and sat in a ball in a corner. Enjoying this, I moved into the uninhabited bedroom and lay down, eventually getting under the covers. For some reason, nothing seemed more appealing than listening to Mitch Hedberg’s standup, even though I haven’t done so for a few years. I listened to the entirety of Mitch All Together, which was delightful and comforting. I had the sense of being an audience member, and delighting in my capacity to laugh very much like a baby would.
<br>
<br>
The one negative part of my mindset at this point was that I much preferred being alone to the point that I almost felt a little suspicious of my friend, although even at the time I recognised this as irrational. I was actually a little disappointed when Leo came in and felt awkward in my interactions with him. But he was a chill presence, in his own zone, so I grew to appreciate him. At one point, I wanted to explain why I wasn’t particularly social and said, ‘I just really feel like having my own vibe right now… is that OK?’ Leo then looked at me with a smile which I found immensely perceptive and said, ‘Yeah, that’s ok.’ I deeply appreciated this, I almost felt like he had personally blessed me.
<br>
<br>
I arranged the room to cultivate a tranquil vibe, turning off the overhead light in favour of a mellow bedlam’s, and lay under the covers, still listening to Hedberg. I reveled in the warm tingles which coursed through my body and the ornate ceiling, which in the darker lighting, looked like a fluorescent dance. <!--(The following morning, Leo told me that he had this same experience, which I was thrilled about.) -->
<br>
<br>
At a certain point, Leo asked if he could join me in the king-sized bed and, appreciating his gentleness, I was happy to share with him. However, we remained in our separate worlds. Later, he asked me ‘If the lamp being on was important to my vibe’. And again, I was delighted by the gentleness with which he asked for the room to be darkened. <!-- Among the funniest moments was when, after what felt like hours of silence., Leo said, pensively, ‘Man, that Uber driver is on his grind.’ It turns out that that referred to a previous conversation, but I did not connect those dots at the time, making it a fascinating and hilarious line.
<br/>
I drifted off to sleep, probably for around 3 hours. I had a study date with some other friends scheduled for the following day, but had resolved to call in sick during the trip the previous night. However, I decided to go and see my friends in the end. I had one conversation on the bus home that I found incredibly beautiful and open with one of these friends. Incidentally, I feel as if I’ve grown much closer to him in the weeks since, but I do not attribute this to the acid.
<br/>
-->I drifted off to sleep, probably for around 3 hours.
<br>
<br>
After the trip, I took extended breaks from social media, notably reddit and instagram, and my palette of musical listening narrowed significantly for a time, but since expanded to its usual breadth.<!-- This, I do attribute to the drug. However, I have not reevaluated these parts of my life in tangible ways. Any new insight is subliminal, but I suspect it’s there.
<br/>
--><!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2020</td><td width="90">ExpID: 114758</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 18</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Apr 8, 2023</td><td>Views: 753</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=114758&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=114758&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Relationships (44), Music Discussion (22), Mystical Experiences (9), Glowing Experiences (4), First Times (2), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">400 ug</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">207 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Acid Trip Report: Sat, Jun 26 - 6:41 pm 400ug Probably one of the most terrifying and enlightening trips I have ever been on. <!-- Buckle in. This was live, I was typing as it happened, but of course as with most nightmare trips, there are memory, or “temporal” gaps. Post trip notes will be in brackets.
<br/>
-->
<br>
6:41 pm - Positive mindset going in, friends seem to think differently about this, we will see.
<br>
<br>
6:47 pm - Extremely happy, very talkative amongst 3 friends.
<br>
<br>
7:05 pm - Feeling light visual distortion. This is the event horizon, and I am but a rocket ship careening on the edge, about to be sucked into the infinite spiraling horizon. <!-- Time - ^this dumbass was trying to be poetic hahahha little did he know the fucking horrors beyond the “horizon” (post: I don’t even know what happened here, maybe this was at the start or the end, all I know is that I wrote it, and it is here now. Lol) (post: there is a significant temporal gap here. I know I went for a walk that may have lasted either 30 minutes to an hour, then the walk back was probably 15-20 minutes. (to be completely honest, it felt like more of an adventure, now that I’m clear-minded. I have started to remember the details of where we went. -->I know I went for a walk that may have lasted either 30 minutes to an hour. It was a park in the middle of a slightly overwhelming “residential” area and there was a stream cutting through the middle, with twisty trippy trees on the bank and around the park. The mosquitoes were swarming us, with no end in sight, but my friends somehow convinced me that it was a part of my trip.
<br>
<br>
7:30 pm to 9:30 pm - <!--during this gap -->I came to know the truth of “reality”, or whatever my reality was at the time, and it felt like I had just stepped foot into the world of Dante’s “Inferno”. It was absolute hell from this point forward. Walking outside felt like I had baked in hell, the dehydration wrought by, well, not drinking water haha, baked my skin dry to the point I felt like a child’s sidewalk chalk, left out in the sun after a long day of use. <!-- [side note: if I had to be a colour of sidewalk chalk, I would probably be pink or magenta, cause they are pretty mellow-but-cosmic colours.]
<br/>
(post-memory -->
<br>
<br>
9:30 pm to 12:00 am - My friend is addicted to codeine tablets, I didn’t know until as of writing this but “codeine psychosis” might explain the shit that happened here, basically I remember him entering the room, talking frequently about a “moose” then leaving the room, then going into the bathroom to pop more codeine, and 20 minutes later it happened again but this time it was about these “planets” he made as a kid, I have no idea but it tripped me right back into hell whenever he would try to talk to me about this useless shit.
<br>
<br>
2:31 am - A serene tranquility is in the air but not calm. I have reached the peak, the calm before the storm. I am sweating terribly, the sweat pours from my pores like rain. I experience harsh nausea. It is around now that I peak. I start to loop. Again and again, I experience infinite fractal realities, each one spiraling into a short psychosis, then breaking off and looping over again, however it is slightly different and more nauseating with each rewind. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I experience infinite fractal realities, each one spiraling into a short psychosis, then breaking off and looping over again, however it is slightly different and more nauseating with each rewind.</div></div> This lasted for around 3-4 hours, and my heart rate was stagnant at best, whilst my breathing patterns were terrible, on and off with short panicked bursts of epiphany as I “tasted” my own blood in my mouth.
<br>
<br>
6:14 am - Finally just starting to come off, with a slight, although short-lived afterglow that probably masked how goddamn hungry I really was throughout that fucking acid-hell. Still don’t really want to eat. Or drink.
<br>
<br>
Post-trip: this absolute reality bender of a trip changed me as a person. I truly believe I emerged “victorious” from the fight with this one. I probably overdosed because I don’t do acid often, and I remember throwing up at some point throughout the trip. Altogether I would say it was absolute torture. Sitting through all 12 grueling hours of that fat bastard was a fever dream.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2021</td><td width="90">ExpID: 115571</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 18</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: May 16, 2023</td><td>Views: 795</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=115571&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=115571&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Nature / Outdoors (23), Glowing Experiences (4), Difficult Experiences (5), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">450 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/dxm/">DXM</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">Repeated hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(flowers)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">140 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
About a year and a half ago I had what was probably the most intense psychedelic experience of my life, both for me and for my two partners, one an experienced psychonaut and the other less so who for the sake of anonymity we’ll call Bodega and Shrink, respectively. If this night taught me anything it was to never, ever mix substances on the first try. Before this my experiences were for the most part a whole lot of pot, more than my fair share of acid, and a few encounters with MDMA and 2C-B. The setting would be our one bedroom apartment, which we’d turned into a cozy trip den with a sectional couch, a modest entertainment center, and along the walls a string of colorful lights and paintings from trips past.
<br>
<br>
The night had started off on a good step, moods were high and upon a quick trip to the local drug store Bodega had the idea to introduce me to his newest friend, an unassuming red bottle of cough syrup. We bought one for each of us and headed straight home, me being beyond excited to try DXM which up until now had been described to me as “like acid but drunk.” Upon arrival at home we busted out both bottles and between periods of flirting and setting out activities for the soon to be trippy evening we downed a capful each about every twenty minutes. By the time I had finished my bottle and was feeling just a little woozy I looked up from my seat at the dining room table to see Bodega’s hand outstretched in offering, a small white tab sitting on a torn piece of foil. <!-- I shrugged and made my first mistake that night, -->The familiar feeling of the tab slipping under my tongue was like an old friend to me. I went and cuddled with Shrink on the couch, who had abstained from the cough syrup but had partaken in Lucy with Bodega and I. Shortly after we took turns by the window sharing a one hitter.<!-- in which taking part of had been my second mistake that night. -->
<br>
<br>
I’d quickly set up my art supplies to paint, my ritual with acid being that I would rest on the couch beneath the rainbow of fairy lights, waiting for about forty or so minutes after which I’d find my way to my canvas and proceed to become completely lost in my own world of unhindered creativity. That night I barely made it off of the couch, as after seating myself the realization of how much I’d just done hit me. Everything began to be lost in a bright, rainbow haze as I only went up and up and up.
<br>
<br>
Eventually with a little prodding from Bodega, who’d been excited to see what I’d create this time, I ambled over to the canvas where immediately after sitting down my head met the canvas as I slumped against the big desk. Nausea was hitting me hard and I was struggling to move, my world becoming an indiscernible lava lamp, form bubbling from below into mushrooms and stars as Bodega and Shrink moved me to the bedroom. I was completely gone at this point, if not at least euphoric, having no idea what was going on but just happy to be there when I promptly projectile vomited onto the bed.
<br>
<br>
Before I knew it I was on all fours on the floor, suddenly rocketed back to my senses somewhat as I found myself staring into a bowl. I puked again. The Chinese food I’d eaten earlier that day was now a cloudy white soup in front of me, an undigested mushroom swimming and pulsating through the milky matter like a jellyfish. I was moved again, now lying on the living room floor next to a mass of vomit covered blankets and covers that my partners had hastily removed from the bedroom just a moment before. Only recognizing the bundle as something to cling onto as nausea once again shook me, I did exactly that only to be pried off of them by Bodega. I then attempted to get up only to lose my balance and fall backward over the couch and onto the floor on the other side. I looked up at my partners and, my vision and speech beginning to break up and lag, stuttered that I was “glitching out” before, as they describe, collapsing onto the floor only to get up, crab walk in a random direction, collapse, get up, crabwalk, collapse, and rinse and repeat, looking to my two partners like I’d been possessed ala The Exorcist.
<br>
<br>
What I was experiencing at this point was, upon the initial collapse, a complete sensory disconnect with reality. As I lay there I was in a black void, four moving textures appearing before me divided into four squares; one of stone, one of carpet, one of rushing water, and one at this point I can’t recall or describe. I could only hear the sound of my own breathing, wondering all the while what had become of me. Was I dead? No, I decided, I must have lost control and begun to flee out of the apartment and down the hallway. Soon I’d be arrested and my life would be over. Clearly this was the only thing that could come of this I’d decided before being suddenly surfaced into consciousness. I’d attempted to get up, to crawl backward before my vision would freeze in place, and shrink, the snapshot moving into the corner of the black void. Again I’d come to consciousness, trying again in vain to get up before my vision froze, and a second snapshot would join that first in the corner. This occurred over and over, a mosaic of frames gathering on the right side of my field of view before I came to once again, this time bundled in blankets on the floor.
<br>
<br>
I looked up, seeing Shrink looking over me, his face expressionless and grim. I remember him looking so old in that moment, the lines of his face pronounced beneath the technicolor lights, flowing from his face onto the geometry of the patterned drug rug he’d been wearing. I attempted to speak to him but instead my left arm spasmed, flopping back uselessly over my head. I went under again, the events of the night playing out of order before me on a mangled mess of film. <div class="pullquote-right1"><div class="pullquote-text">I attempted to speak to him but instead my left arm spasmed, flopping back uselessly over my head. I went under again, the events of the night playing out of order before me on a mangled mess of film.</div></div> At some point I found myself reliving an uncomfortable moment from a trip from months before where I'd acted in a way I regretted, behaving the time immaturely, paranoid of the two people I loved more than anything. I came back again somewhat only to watch myself in third person, babbling about time travel, puking into the blankets I’d been bundled in over and over only to fold the blankets over the puke like that would somehow make it go away. Gone again, I became a clock, or maybe a set of gears, spinning in the void, hitching like something wasn’t quite right, like a spanner had been thrown into the works. Back to consciousness for a moment, laying against the couch, my clothes and the blankets now gone. I could see Bodega next to me, naked, his eyes closed. Outside the sliding glass door, past the balcony I could see an alien skyline of rounded blue buildings. The entertainment center had become two glowing, bulbous orange cones, dripping with gooey, viscous moisture.
<br>
<br>
I went under one last time, this time becoming a chain spinning through the gears, a tooth missing in the chain, or was it the chain was missing a link? Spinning, spinning, spinning until something caught and like a string finally going through the eye of a needle, like a hook in a loop, with a yoink I came back. Two baby blue eyes stared into mine. They didn’t look human at first, the immediate recognition of contact not registering at first before click, I realized it was Bodega, leaning over me, his expression intense, focused. I attempted to speak, choking on my words at first, struggling to move as if coming back from sleep paralysis. I sputtered out his name. Shrink’s voice came meekly from the couch as I made my way to my feet, “Don’t freak out, but we think you might’ve had a psychotic break.”
<br>
<br>
After a long stare at myself in the mirror and a lot of cleaning, my night for the most part ended, most of the more intense effects having worn off at this point which had been approximately five hours after dosing. Bodega and Shrink went on to drop more acid, wanting to have a little more fun that night to make up for having had to baby sit me through my “journey." I retired to the couch to reflect on what I’d experienced and how we could improve at managing crises like this one. Since that day I’ve mostly avoided mixing substances, and have yet to work up the courage to try DXM again, though I do want to try it by itself at least once, next time with a lot more preparation and forethought.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2019</td><td width="90">ExpID: 115150</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Not Specified</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 25</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jun 26, 2023</td><td>Views: 495</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=115150&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=115150&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">DXM (22), LSD (2), Cannabis (1) : Combinations (3), Difficult Experiences (5), Health Problems (27), Guides / Sitters (39), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
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</table>
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<div class="report-text-surround">
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<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.5 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:45</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:15</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I remember my first year at university... I had a very good friend Cory that I would study with from midnight to about 6 or 7 in the morning every night. During the wee hours of the morning we would take study breaks and debate philosophy or argue moral issues for fun. We became very open about our ideologies and eventually one night I said, 'You know what I've heard so much about, but never tried? I've always been curious about hallucinogens...' My friend replied that he too was curious about these drugs and that he'd be interested in setting up a 'scientific experiment.' He was in his third year of bio/psych and I was just starting my psychology degree. So it started....
<br>
<br>
We researched the many hallucinogens for the next two months. I spent hours in the library reading and visiting friends to interview them about their personal experiences. Feeling comfortable with our choice, I returned to my home town to find some acid (the drug we had decided upon). My friends had all said that a half hit would likely do for my first time and that if after an hour I had only minimal effects I could always ingest another half tab. I ended up buying 5 hits total for me and my friend. I thought, 'hey, if it's weak we're better off having extra and who knows, maybe we'll really like it and want to have some more around.'
<br>
<br>
We had planned to drop on the Friday evening and had set up several perceptual experiments that we wanted to perform. It was Thursday and I had been studying all day and night. I popped by Cory's dorm room to say 'hi' only to find that Cory too had had a brutal study day. He turned to me with a great big smile and said, 'want to do it tonight?' 'Sure!' I replied. So, we started our tape recorder and pulled out our journal book for the night.
<br>
<br>
Journal entry #1, '12:01am first dose - 1/2 tab each, haven't eaten recently.' From what we had both heard, the expected onset time would be 20-30 minutes, so we waited... 10 minute mark, nothing. 15 minute mark, get ready! 20 minute mark, nothing yet, should be soon! 25 minute mark, still nothing but get ready! 30 minute mark, nothing... 35 minute mark nothing... 40 minute mark, still nothing... 'Hmmm,' I thought, 'this should have started to affect us by now... Well, I have been carrying this stuff around for a week in my jacket wrapped in tinfoil; perhaps the agent has been partially leeched out and the tabs are weak...'
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<br>
So, at this point we made what was still a somewhat rational decision...we would increase our dose by one more tab each. It seemed logical, if the drug was too weak to affect us we should increase our dose.
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<br>
50 minute mark, nothing. 60 minute mark, nothing, this stuff should have started ages ago! My friend thought that we had been ripped off, but I doubted that my old school friend would have done such a thing (especially since he had tried the same batch of acid with positive affect). 70 minute mark, nothing.... So, at this point we made a decision which to today I still can not see the rationality of...we decided to take the rest of the acid. A total of 2 1/2 hits each and we had never touched the drug before in our lives.
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<br>
We moved from the dorm room to the kitchen to sit and talk. The nice thing about this area of the dorm (known as the 'cell') is nice because it has only 3 rooms, a bathroom, and a kitchen and is sealed off from the rest of the residence for privacy. So we sat in the kitchen eating chips and pop, when all of a sudden my friend Cory point to the pop can and exclaimed, 'Oh my god Greg! Put the pop can down and look at it!' I set the pop can down on the table and looked, the can started to breathe...in and out, smaller then larger. 'Cool!' I thought....then, 'Shit! We've taken 2 1/2 hits each and it's starting to kick in...better hold on!' The kitchen was the best place to be...so many small and interesting things to look at.
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<br>
We went to the sink that had little droplets of water in the bottom of it. By 'unfocusing' our attention, we could cause strange effects to occur. The sink became this rushing current of rapids pouring down into the drain. A blink of the eyes and it was the sink again...
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<br>
There was a poster around campus that week for a band known as Anonymous... It was a picture of a punk rocker's face with really strange shadings that had obvious done with pencil. There happened to be one of these posters printed on green paper on the kitchen wall. We watched the poster for a moment. The hair on the top of his head receeded and disappeared while the shading on the face became more pronounced turning the face into that of a 'wolfman.' This is how our experiment became coded as 'The Green Wolfman Experiment.' The face cycled back and forth between that of the punk rocker and the wolfman, back and forth like the waves on the shore.
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<br>
The kitchen was full of such wonders. The doors on all the shelves buldged inward and outward. The hairs on our arms interweaved continually and the hairs on our legs grew straight out. The once plain walls were full of intricate little patterns as was the carpet just outside the door...as though some person had come by and impressed these patterns into their surfaces. I was somewhat disappointed though... I moved my hand back and forth in front of my face...no tracers... I had heard so much about tracers and I had none (but then again, I was only experiencing the onset of my first half hit...).
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<br>
It just so happened that the residence was having a formal that evening and people were milling around the floors providing a good cover for the two of us; if we acted strange, we could always have replied that we had had too much to drink. Cory's eyes lighted up and he exclaimed, 'I want to get socially interactive! Let's go out to the party and talk to people!' I was a little nervous about this and really wanted to just stay in the kitchen; however, he convinced me and out we went to the party...
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<br>
Wouldn't you know the first person we started to talk to was the person in charge of the entire residence system! Surely this was not the person to talk to while we were so affected by acid. Eventually Cory became confused by something she had said so we found a corner, sat down, and went back over the tape recorder to straighten things out.
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<br>
TV! I wanted to see the TV! So we went to the TV room and I watched the television for about 5 minutes but there was nothing special about it. This was rather disappointing, I had hoped that the television would have warped or characters would have behaved differently or at least something. I started to talk to a friend sitting next to me on the couch. As we talked, I was staring at his eyes...they were huge and angular...much like those in Japanimation. I couldn't break my gaze at his eyes until suddenly he blinked...and his huge eyelids came down and back up in what seemed to be a series of still photographs taken milliseconds apart. I complimented him on the largeness of his eyes and then excused myself.
<br>
<br>
Cory and I sat down in a hallway of the residence, it was time to try our time perception experiments. A friend of ours, Sean, had sat down next to us to chat (but had no idea what we were up to). The experiment was as follows. Person A would have the watch, pen, and journal. Person B would have to estimate the elapse of 30 seconds by any means possible to them and tell person B when that time had elapsed. Person A would then right down the elapsed time and ask person B how much time they estimated had actually passed. I was first to be person B and Cory was first to be the recorder.
<br>
<br>
'Ok, start....now!' Cory said. '1 and... 2 and... 3..', I thought but was then distracted. 'I'm sorry Cory,' I appologized, 'there's no way I can do 30 seconds... We've got to cut it down to 10 seconds...' 'No, keep going Greg, you can do it...' 'No, seriously, there's no way I'll make 30 seconds...' Cory smiled, 'I'm still timing you!' 'Stop! Stop! Now!' I shouted. Cory looked at the watch and wrote down the elapsed time. 'What's your estimated time?' Cory asked. 'Oh my gods! Atleast 5 minutes have gone by!' I exclaimed. Cory shot me a strange look, wrote down my time, and said, 'Actual time...11 seconds...'
<br>
<br>
Cory didn't believe me, he thought I was just pulling his leg. So he became person B and I became the recorder. 'Ok, start....now!' I said as the second hand reached 12. Cory started to talk to our friend Sean. They talked and talked. All of a sudden Cory looked alarmed and turned towards me, 'Stop! Stop! Oh no! I forgot all about the experiment!' I wrote down the actual time and asked him for his estimated time. He replied, 'Oh man! Atleast 15 minutes have passed by!' I grinned, 'Actuall time: 15 seconds!' The time dilation was fantastic! I had never experienced anything like this before in my life...but there was more to come still as only the first amounts of acid had been absorped into my system.
<br>
<br>
My visual field was vibrating. Full of patterns. Everything was patterned...and vibrating. I went to the washroom and as I came out Cory was talking to a friend of ours. As she walked away, Cory turned to me and said, 'Look! She has a metal plate in her forehead!' I looked and sure enough there it was...a Frankenstein metal-plate forehead! We laughed... But I was becoming aware of an apprehensive feeling...I wanted to go somewhere... Maybe the kitchen... Maybe the dorm room... I just felt like we had to go somewhere... Somewhere better. Anyways, we were sitting on the floor of the hallway with Sean debating about at exactly what time we had taken what 'dose' and Sean became curious. 'Dose? Dose? What did you guys take?' he asked. I looked at Cory and he at me. Cory replied, 'LS....' '....D' I finished. Sean said, 'Ohhh...' At this point Cory and myself became worried thinking that we had upset Sean or that perhaps we shouldn't have told him. But Sean turned to us and said, 'Guys, it's just that we're in a hallway by the doors of people's rooms!' Cory and myself looked up in surprise and sure enough that's where we were! Our bubble of perception had become so small and concentrated on what we were doing that we had forgotten where we were and that we should be careful with how loud we talked about what we were doing! Sean merely smiled and laughed...he then became our ground man for the night.
<br>
<br>
Things were getting pretty intense at this point, we had plateaued at a very high peak of the drug's effect. Where there had been no tracers before, they were everywhere! When I moved, everything in my field of vision blurred off with tracers like looking between two mirrors. I felt I had to go somewhere, it was winter and I figured some cold air might do us good. We went out into the snow and marvelled at all the patterns in the snow. We watched two trees that grew and grew up to the highest reaches of the sky. A friend had said to go and look at stoplights, saying that the lights would change to different colours. We decided against going off campus since the drug's affect was so great and we didn't know what to expect. After all, I didn't want to pass out and be found in a snowbank some days later!
<br>
<br>
We went back in and returned to the dorm. I was unable to write and unable to focus on one thing for too long due to all the patterns in my head. Not only that, but my thoughts had become lightening fast and branched out from one another...I would have one initial idea and that idea would have five sub-ideas...those five sub-ideas would have sub-ideas of their own and so on! An infinite and parallel labyrinth of active thoughts all perceived at incredible speeds. All these perceptions were very overwhelming. I turned to Cory, 'Tell you what...we've seen what we've come to see and we've done one of our experiments... Let's call it a night aand crash out...' Cory agreed and he tossed me a sleeping bag as he hit the top bunk.
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<br>
I layed there on the floor. My mind racing and spinning...lost in the eddies of perception and thought. Time was dilated now to an unimaginable extent. I looked at the bottom bunk where Cory's room mate was sleeping...He was a Jehovah's Witness and actually kept Watch Tower magazines under his pillow... The moonlight was coming in through the window and struck his head, giving him the impression of having a halo about him. I laughed, even through my current state of stress and anxiety, at the contrast between the peacefully sleeping JW and me tripping out of my mind on the floor mere feet away.
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<br>
I layed there for what seemed like hours. I couldn't sleep, I wasn't tired in the least. It was as if the actual mechanism for sleep had been removed from my system. Sleep just did not exist. I looked at Cory on the top bunk and thought, 'That lucky bastard! Probably asleep right now and away from all this stuff...' I quietly called out, 'Cory?' And the response came back, 'Yeah?' Apparently he was in the same boat I was.
<br>
<br>
We returned to the kitchen. The acid was in full-blown affect now. During the week I had had a pain in my chest that had been with me for a few days (probably a bruise from sparring). My body-perception was normal from my head down to my shoulders but then my body narrowed down to an infinitely thin point at this point in my chest, flowed down about three feet, curved around behind my back and up over my shoulder where it then flowed off into infinity. My body just kept flowing down through my chest and off into infinity through this strange curved pattern. I had also lost the comfort that one normally has of one's body. It was as if my body no longer existed...that warm cozy cloak I had worn for all my life was now gone....leaving emptiness...void...nothing... This gave me great feelings of insecurity and distress. I explained to Cory that I wished I could wrap myself up in a great big comforter or perhaps put a ballon inside my side and inflate it so that I could feel the reassurance of my body again. In times of stress, one can always retreat to one's body and hug one's self for comfort...for me this was gone.
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<br>
As I was washed over by my perceptions and thoughts, I discovered I had lost another form or retreat and comfort. Whenever you are stressed or overwhelmed you can always close your eyes. Away from the world and safe in the warm darkness or fleshy colour (if it is a sunny day or if a light is near by). I was overwhelmed and closed my eyes to escape all the visuals for a moment. But when I closed my eyes, it was still all there! Even more so somehow! I realized that I was here for the full-haul on this trip... It was obvious that the drug didn't affect the outside world reaching my retina, it was affecting my brain's processing of the visual information and my other internal processes. There was no escape...but that was ok...we had prepared ourselves so well that we knew we were on a drug and that in a few hours it would be gone. All we had to do was wait out the intensity.
<br>
<br>
At this point, my space-time perception had become greatly affected. The best way to explain it is like this.... Imagine that space-time is an infinitly long cord going infinity far in both directions (past and future). Now, imagine our perception as an infinitly thin plane cross-secting this cord at any given point. Our plane of perception moves an infinitly small amount of distance in an infinitly small amount of time in a forward direction along this cord of space-time--thus being virtually continuous. What happen to me is that I took a 'chunk' of this space-time cord and sliced it into five sequential slices. I was aware of my normal visual field, but I was also aware of an infinitly large blackness reaching out in all directions (visual). It was upon this infinite blackness that I placed these first first slices of space-time chronologically with the first on the left movig across to the most recent on the right. I then took the next 'chunk' of space-time and sliced it again into five sequential slices and overlaid these upon the original five. The first five 'clicked' back one position but I was still aware of them. I then kept taking more and more chunks or space-time as time passed and kept overlaying them upon the groups of five that were accumulating. These five groups clicked away and trailed off infinitely away from me and upwards as they got farther moved from myself. Points of interest here were that I was simultaneously aware of 1) my normal perception, 2) my current five chunks of time, 3) all previous slices, and 4) this special infinite space in which I was perceiving space-time. As well, if one experiments with the edge of the visual field by moving your hand past the edge of your eye, you will notice that your hand gradually fades as it loses acuity and finally disappears from perception. However, all my slices of space-time had definate edges on them...like freeze-frames from a television show. They were square screens showing reality.
<br>
<br>
Sean had come into the kitchen again and said 'hi.' He had just finished brushing his teeth in the kitchen sink when Cory came up to him trying to explain the rushing water effect in the sink. As Cory was intensely focused upon the sink and his explanation Sean reached around and turned the water on full-blast. Cory stumbled back from the sink shaken... 'Oh wow! Don't do that man!' Cory shook, 'It's like somebody whispering, 'come here... come here... I want to tell you a secret...' And then shouting as loud as possibe into your ear except with your entire sensory/perceptual system.' We all had a good laugh over that. But overall it was too intense...I sat back in a large chair...
<br>
<br>
I turned to Sean and asked him to turn the lights off in the kitchen in an attempt to settle my perceptions... As Sean was about to do this Cory argued no, leave them on... We then got into a fun-spirited debate to see who could get Sean to turn the lights off or leave them on. Finally I said, 'Look Sean, the lights are doing me more harm than they are doing Cory good...turn them off...' Sean agreed to this. But before he could act, Cory stood up and said, 'No man! I want to get things loud in here! I want to get my stereo and play some loud music... Or get a really loud band in here!' 'Oh!' I thought amongst my perceptual rollercoaster, 'Stereo... Band... Music... Loud...' There was just so much happening that I thought I could just be perceptually sea-sick, I thought, 'yeah, you know...I could just be perceptually sea-sick with all that is happening...in fact I think I will...I think I'll puke...' So I stood up, walked over to the garbage bin, vomited and sat back down in my chair.
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Sean and Cory looked over at me nervously, 'Are you ok?' 'Yeah.' I responded. 'Would you like some water?' 'Sure...' Sean brought me some water and I had a sip. It was now that we were experiencing the suggestability that can be found in this state. At one point I used the expression of something 'splitting in two.' When I used that phrase, Cory felt his body actually split in two.
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<br>
There was also an emotional aspect to the experience. Shortly after this Cory stood up and said, 'Oh my god! I've got an assignment due Monday! What am I doing here on acid! I going to fail my course! And my girlfriend is going to be here tomorrow! What if I'm not back to normal!' He then caught himself being swept up in all this emotion and smiled realizing its irrationality... He was almost finsihed the assignment and had another three days to finish it and his girlfriend would not be here until well after the drug wore off. He explained his emotions as the worst possible gut-dropping feeling in the world, as if he had just killed his family. We laughed over this and all the odd perceptions and behavior we had experienced.
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<br>
Sean disappeared for a minute and came back, 'Hey guys! There's overturned furniture up on 3rd floor! Want to go up and look at it?!' Cory wanted to go, but I wanted to stay put. Cory asked if I would be OK on my own and if he could go. We looked at each other straight in the eyes then in what was perhaps the most emotional experience of my life. I could have hugged him. In the middle of all these temultuous perceptions, we were the only two people on the entire Earth who were sharing and aware of them. It was a bond of friendship we have never lost, even to today. Cory left me with the tape recorder and they turned out the lights leaving me in my chair with my leather university jacket over me.
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<br>
Where once there had been no effects from the drugs, that was all that existed then. All of a sudden the doorbell to the outer door rang, 'Shit...' I thought, 'I'm in no condition to be interacting with people right now.' So I stayed in my chair. The door rattled and then someone opened it with their keys. I heard people walking towards the kitchen from the outer door, two guys and a girl. They stopped at the kitchen and smiled in at me, 'You look like your pretty comfortable there!' 'Yeah, had a bit too much to drink tonight so I think I'll just crash here...' I replied as the world swirled within and without me. 'Ok, well sleep tight!' she laughed and they left.
<br>
<br>
At this point in the trip I became something that I can not put into words... I became atemporal. I existed without time...I existed through an infinite amount of time. This concept is impossible to comprehend without having actually perceived it. Even now in retrospect it is hard to comprehend it. But I do know that I lived an eternity that night...
<br>
<br>
Eventually Cory returned and asked, 'How long was I gone?' I replied, 'I couldn't honestly tell you if my very soul depended upon it...' And I was honest. He could have been gone 3 seconds, 15 minutes, hours, days, months, or years...I had no idea. All I knew was that he was the best sight that my eyes had ever seen at that moment of my life. We decided to try crashing out again for awhile and returned to the dorm room.
<br>
<br>
As I laid on the floor I thought, well, I came into this with a philosophical/scientific purpose, I might as well keep work at that goal. So I started to analyse me speeding and labyrinthing thoughts. I had two theories based upon the correlatory nature of my thoughts (A is like B, B is like C, D is like F, etc...) : 1) perhaps this was a process that was always occuring in my brain looking at all different avenues of logic or possibility before choosing the most appropriate. All these hundreds of lightening fast related thoughts were a natural process that I was only now aware of by means of the drug I had ingested. Or, 2) perhaps this was a dysfunction in my brain due to the drug and was created soley by the drug interaction.
<br>
<br>
So I decided on another experiment. I would take two random things and see how this system correlated them. I chose 'the world' and 'a loaf of bread.' My brain thought of thousands of correlations (they both have a crust, they are both soft in the center, they both have things living on the outside of them, etc...). I wish I had been able to right to record more than these few that I can remember to see if they all made sense the next day. However, I was in no condition to write...
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<br>
I laid on the floor for ages waiting the drug out. Finally, my perceptions went from 'clicking' along to a short moment of continuous perception, and then back to clicking. Eventually the moments of continuous perception became longer and longer and the 'clicking' moments shorter and shorter. I was almost completely back to my normal perceptions. But, I could still force visual effects to occur by unfocusing my attention to make the ceiling buldge and breath. I called over to Cory and he was at the exact same stage and also just as wide awak as I was. We got up and I went home to grab a quick shower. An hour later we met for breakfast. We both ordered huge amounts of food but barely touched our plates. We spent most of the morning talking over the experiences of the night before.
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<br>
We were surprised by the absolute parallel of our two trips (perceptions, duration, cycles, etc.). But then again, we had both gone in with alot of research time put in, both had the same attitude towards 'the experiment,' had similar body structures, were in the same environment, and had taken the same amounts and batch of LSD at the same times. There were only the more extreme space-time effects that were unique to myself.
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<br>
Later I went back to my home town and my friend asked me about the acid trip and how much we had taken. When I told him we had taken 2 1/2 hits each he was shocked. He said, 'Greg, you guys didn't take 2 1/2 hits of acid each, you took 5 hits each. I've been doing acid for years and I've never had acid that strong before!' Cory and myself had a retrospective laguh over that one...
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<br>
As I walked home after my breakfast with Cory, I just took the world in... All the sights and sounds of the early morning, and the feeeling of my body and mind. I was glad to be back to reality... I had gone beyond the experiences of my life and beyond the experiences of all my friends who had done acid for years just hours ago. I was glad that I had gone so far, it gave me enough insight into myself and the world that I could think a lifetime just on the one evening's experiences. It was impossible to understand reality and our perception of it without having a contrast to our 'normal' reality. I now had that. And enough insight to make my entire lifetime philosophically worth while. In the midst of my extremely intense trip I promised myself that I would never do acid again (altough a couple of days later I found myself pondering what it would be like to take a smaller dosage!). But I have never regretted my experience...
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<br>
G.
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<br>
(Sorry about the length, I hope this will be of use to some people interested in the acid experience and what the pros/cons can be of it. I neither encourage or discourage drug use...I only say to those who ask me about drugs that if they are really interested in trying a drug to go out and learn about it first and know what they are getting into. Learning about the drug is also an important mental preparation that can add much mental support in the middle of a trip. If you understand something strange, you will not be afriad of it.)<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: </td><td width="90">ExpID: 1979</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Not Specified</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jun 20, 2000</td><td>Views: 157,357</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=1979&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=1979&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : First Times (2), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
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<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">125 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
1995 was the year of acid for me, a doorway into places i am certain i dreamt about in my childhood, crystal dimensions, where i could taste colors and touch sounds and smells with my hands from the very first trip on, i felt great amounts inhibitions and unresolved issues from my shitty past leaving me,literally'enlightening' me. i was like a snake shedding skin and slithering into a newer safer place. i stopped being afraid of who i had become. in August i had my most important trip yet. a few weeks after my 18th birthday, my then-boyfriend, D, another friend, G, and Buddha Ben (D's brother) decided we would 'visit other galaxies'. it was Buddha Ben's first trip, so we were excited about the initiation, as we always had an amazing time on acid, even all by ourselves.
<br>
<br>
it was a breathtakingly perfect Wednesday night, and already the night was charged with a full moon under the cool jewelled Southern skies.we were set!! we popped a tab each in the evening,and proceeded to have dinner', perched in front of the tube, of course, a hilariously complex fiasco. i had forgotten how to handle cutlery. i stared to tingle a little,then the chicken on my plate was acting up!i had vivid impressions it would start tweaking on the plate and bleeding a la Lynch's 'Eraserhead'. I regarded this vision with much morbid curiousity. next to me, G was staring at D's mom who was eating away with extreme Fascination! i looked to see if anyone else's trip had kicked in and the look on their faces gave it away! I could've sworn G mouthed 'i'm on fire!' (later he claimed it was 'Good UK shit'.no connection whatsoever!!) Eyescheck?? they were glazed and ready to roll! we grinned at each other, a secret code. D's mom looked at us strangely,and sort of yelled that none of us had touched dinner. she became fuzzy,mouth open and shutting, volume fading --i had muted my boyfriend's mom at last, i thought triumphantly! suddenly,i pointed out that we were watching the ballet on TV; the male ballerinas started flying across the screen , lilac tights over monstrous bulges.we collapsed into uncontrollable laughter, which set me flying!! D's mom caught on finally. Sensing a vile nagging , we took off into the night, taking with us the usually extremely-calm Buddha Ben(hence the name), who was starting to take on a maniacal look in his face, as he hummed the 'wizard of Oz' song. walking into the hills ,we suddenly stumbled upon a poster for a lost gala in the dirt road, which appealed to G and became G's 'quest' for the night. I started to have 'trails' now, and as D skipped around, he morphed into a human slinky before me.
<br>
<br>
we walked aimlessly, searching for the Wizard of Oz and a lost gala (reward:200 dollars,we agreed would be spent on more acid, naturally). i settled into the moment with a sigh...the world became butter smooth.i began to sense the onset of my peak and within minute, i began detaching myself from my body. during the odd reality i was amazed that we were even walking, it seemed surreal!!
<br>
<br>
The temperature dropped sharply and the night turned frosty, the fog trailing all around us in pastels. i stopped breathing for a while so i wouldn't shatter this moment of intense beauty. suddenly, my boyfriend and i mysteriously found ourselves alone! G and BB had stumbled off somewhere in my brief moment of reverence.
<br>
<br>
D and I walked to a huge oval field, surrounded by a dense forest of eucalyptus on one side i noticed was breathing softly..there was an electric stillness in the area. I could not register the cold in my body though mentally i KNEW it was freezing!! D and I looked at each other in frozen silence, reading each other's minds. BANG!from this point on, we felt our experience becoming one and the same!
<br>
<br>
It hit us at once. Naturally,we both had a quest too.I had lost my pregnancy two weeks ago, and today's purpose was to let go. we approached this seemingly dreary mission with intense peace and love. Looking up, I saw an overpoweringly large dome of rainbow criss-crossing and enveloping us.. From the middle of the field, a silver chord leading into the eternal nightsky. i fell in and out of sounds and sights,at some point i had a conversation with the child i had lost, voices whispered from beyond the sphere; it was so sad and elating at the same time. throughout this 'ceremony', D watched me, sitting on the wet grass, nodding occasionally each time a peaceful thought crossed my mind and spoke to me. at this point, time had distorted severely for us, seconds stretching into hours and hours of conversations with the Universe.
<br>
<br>
to date, this is the most intense encounter i have EVER had on acid!!!a real rush, not unlike large doses of speed..after i felt totally cleansed, we walked the streets and into a 24-hour gas station, where we met some old friends. I felt like 5 years old and noted i could see AURAS around everyone!!!I paid for a fizzy dizzy Coke and told the gas attendent, with a huge hug, things will be ok!! (i saw so much RED around him.) he looked at me all puzzled for a few seconds(??!) then broke into a smile and said thanks.
<br>
<br>
we glided on home, agreeing we were both coming down now. when we got there, BB and G were sitting on the caravan roof with beers,in hysterics and howling at the moon. As we sat down and smoked a fat joint, they told us they had gatecrashed some teenybopper party in the next suburb and had a brilliant time dancing and 'laughing their bloody arses off!!!', (even though they didn't get laid!, BB added). we sat there for an hour or so, coming down to Pink Floyd playing from the elderly neighbor's house(which was highly odd since that was a strictly Elvis zone!).
<br>
<br>
the cold finally hitting, D and I went into his room,and switched on the radio. some Balinese music was playing. The joint must've set us off because the woodchimes sent colours across the room back and forth. we launched into a lets-pretend-it's-the-doorbell game, sending us into hysterics through an hour long tune. under the covers, to celebrate our 'letting go', we had very emotional, yet detached 'can't feel my dick' sex. I never felt closer, yet never felt further apart from D. throughout sex, I smelt sandalwood all over the place, on our bodies, in the music.. Later,i lay awake for an hour with another joint,trying to join D in sleep. Instead, the sun started to set behind a black cat in a poster on the wall! i closed my eyes briefly, a pleasant shock as i thought the acid had worn off. Obviously not. I spiralled into a rapidly morphing, technicolor world, flowers exploding into colours exploding into spirals and cuboids..infinite images evolving and taking over.I allowed myself to fall into the endless impressions-SUUUUuuuuccCCK!-- eventually 'yen' sleep took over my exhausted mind, a delicious smile fixed on my face.
<br>
<br>
<br>
<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1995</td><td width="90">ExpID: 1104</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jun 22, 2000</td><td>Views: 28,649</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=1104&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=1104&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">135 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
not long ago i was handed a couple of sugar cubes of dubious strength. they were a little old, so anything could happen, really. or nothing. i like a good experiment, so my psychadelic partner and i gave it a shot. and there wasn't much there, really. so we smoked a good amount of pot and tried to get over the disappointment. and that's when it became a good experience.
<br>
<br>
i've been taking psychedelic drugs for ten years, and i feel like i have a pretty good relationship with them. i got over a bad trip. i've never lost control. but i've always taken quite a lot. at least a couple of hits. this was different. it was more like regular consciousness. i made drawings and they were actually good. i recorded some music and it was recognizable as such later on. conversations made total sense. but it was all psychedelic. just not so perfectly removed from the regular everyday brain state. it has enabled me, since then, to reconcile the two ways of thinking, and to adopt a more psychedelic aproach to life.
<br>
<br>
and that's the point, really. to change your life and the way you see reality. to expand. not just for one insane evening, but for the rest of your life. so i would recommend giving it a shot. try a couple of subtle trips. meditate, if you're so inclined. slowly it will seep into your daily life and you'll be capable of that kind of thought all the time. good luck.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2000</td><td width="90">ExpID: 3690</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Mar 3, 2001</td><td>Views: 32,643</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=3690&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=3690&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(cookie / food)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">480 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/dxm/">DXM</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(capsule)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">7 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">150 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I noticed that there aren't really any reports that involve LSD and DXM, so I thought that I would recount one of my experiences for everyone. It was a week after Spring semester started and me and my friends had been planning this trip for a couple of months. It was originally to have taken place on New Years but problems arose, so the event was pushed back a week or two. Needless to say we were all excited about finally getting this trip off.
<br>
<br>
To start everything off everyone that was participating took an asortment of vitamins to make our bodies feel better during the trip and to protect against the depletion of any chemicals already in the brain. Everyone took 1000 mg of vitamin c, one centrum which is a multi-vitamin, one vitamin E, and co-enzyme-Q-10. The taking of the vitamins was taking a couple pills and waiting about five minutes then taking acoulple more until all of the vitamins had been ingested. We had already made the Hash brownies the night before so, one large browine was passed out to everyone. These were ingested and then we all piled up in various cars and headed for the lake to dose. (We are not stupid we had people that stayed sober, so that we would not have to drive and so we did not get stuck out at the lake)
<br>
<br>
Once we had gotten to the lake the browines were really starting to hit, everything was so beautiful. It looked like the lake was a moving painting. There was also a very nice head change that started my trip out of this world. It had been bout 30 minutes since the browines had been eaten so we decided this would be a good time to start taking down the DXM. The Dex had been picked up from our local supplier, and there were four of us who were doing Dex. Because of the nausea of Dex we were taking three or four pills slowly and would then wait a few minutes before taking more. After getting down all sixteen pills the disassociation was starting to slowly hit. About fifteen minutes after this we each took five to ten hits of acid, which was between 300 and 400 mics. We were getting ready to smoke a bowl to help everything along but we were told that the park rangers had been driving by so we decided to go back to the apartment.
<br>
<br>
By the time that we got back to the apartment everything was beginning to synergize very nicely. We had decided that it would be a good idea to watch the movie Transformers on the come up. This was where everything really started to come together, the movie was totally different then it was supposed to be. Parts of the robots were coming out of the screen, there were laser beems that would miss the robots and would fire out of the screen. This is only part of it. Every scene in the movie was transforming into the next scene which was really fucked up, not to mention that I was slipping between this state of conciousness and what me and my friends have deemed the Liquid Place. If you have seen Transformers the movie, you know that Optimus Prime dies in like the first fifteen to twenty-five minutes, for me this took a million years to get to and I thought the movie was over, and after this point in the movie I do not really remember any of the rest for the night.
<br>
<br>
Now I will attempt to describe the Liquid Place to the best of my ability. i have had this sort of experience on other drugs but this was in my opinion one of the most impressive. While I was in the Liquid Place I was having memories that to my knowledge were not mine, in the sense of me in human form. It was fucking incredible, it was as if and excuse this expression, I were God. I was everyone that had and ever will exist, I was omniscient. It was like I could just pick up knowledge with my hands and instanly know everything. I could go anywhere in the universe I wanted to. And there was no sense of me as me. I was just one mask that I could put on to amuse myself and that I had just forgotten that I was God and so was everyone else. It was awesome.
<br>
<br>
Because of the DXM waves there were times when I would come back to this plane of existence and remember that I was Jesus. And then just as fast as I had returned here I was back into the Liquid Place. It was great I could choose any mask I wanted to and was able to play out that entire existence and then choose another one. This went on for eons and eons with occasional glimpses into me.
<br>
<br>
After the Dex wore off and I was just here now still tripping good but not considerably noticeable considering the intensity of Dex and LSD. But it was time to try to get the Nitrous Oxide to work. Filled up a balloon with two Nitrous canisters and took it in. This sent me back to the Liquid Place for a few minutes.
<br>
<br>
This was one of my most important trips I will ever have for a few reasons. First I remembered that I am God and that everyone and everything is God and that we are all brothers and sisters and ONE. This trip also helped reconfirm my lack of fear of death that I had gotten from Ketamine a few months earlier. I would recommend this combination to any experienced psychonaut. And i hope that this report will prompt other reports on this combination.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2000</td><td width="90">ExpID: 2772</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Apr 10, 2001</td><td>Views: 69,825</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=2772&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=2772&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), DXM (22) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Combinations (3)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">5.5 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(gel tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">170 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I had always been comfortable in my experiences. Never had a thought of a bad time, or extreme insanity ever crossed my mind. I started tripping at the beginning of my Junior year in college, I guess because I was bored with life. My creativity had run out, and LSD seemed to be a way in which I could channel that creativity. But nothing, nothing could have ever prepared me for the night of April 11.
<br>
<br>
On the day before that life changing event, I had decided to roll for the very first time, which was wonderful. The next night I had decided to go on the trip of my life at a party that I was having. I started the night off by eating two of these Jellies (orange if I am not mistaken) and had grown impatient for the trip to come on. So I quickly ate another jelly, then in which my friend dared me to eat another. So I did. I mean young male pride was ripe, and I did not bother to give it a second thought. My other friend (you could call her the supplier of such party favors) said she had a jelly and a half left. So I bought those and ate them as well. Thats when I started to trip. Hard.
<br>
<br>
The world began to glow red, sepping across and stretching into everything imaginable. With the redness of the world and myself, things began to get very warm. So I decided to go to my room and lock the door. I didn't realize it yet, but the night had not even started. I began to have horrific thoughts of having eaten too much LSD. Perhaps my heart was about to explode, I don't know. But death, death was on my mind. I let some friends into the room and that is when the insanity hit.
<br>
<br>
I sat Indian style in the corner of the room and it bagan to disappear. The world diasappeared in a series of flashes and I blacked out for a moment. I came to and realized that I was stuck in time. Stuck, a second was infinity and infinity was not long enough. Every move I made, every breath I took lasted forever. It was hell.
<br>
<br>
I rolled over in my bed and my sheets wrapped around me, forming a rock tight caccoon. The world was gone and all I could see was a huge heart. It was my heart and it exploded. I was dead, dead as a rock and realized that the bed opened and my mind had left my body, as I fell through space. I saw the stars, the moon, planets, the universe. I had given up on life, nothing mattered when you were dead, but I couldn't accept it. I couldn't.
<br>
<br>
Suddenly I found myself leaping down several staircases, a flight at a time. I quickly made it outside with my roommate at least thirty seconds behind. I was holding my head screaming over and over that I had died, and was entirely convinced. I did not want to accept it, and it is that fact that kept me going. I undressed in the road, as clothes had no meaning to a wanderless spirit of the night. That is when my roommate caught up with me and attempted to explain to me what was happening. I was insane. But his voice was nothing in comparison to the voice from above. God's echoing voice covered all, and I was powerless to resist it. It told me one thing (that phrase which if repeated, might get me a lighting bolt from above.) That is when I ran and the dirt path in front of me became a stairway to heaven and in the clouds above I could see a white light. The white light. I went as high as I could and just as I put my finger to that light, my mind shut down.
<br>
<br>
I eventually awoke in my friend's car, stark naked, and vomit all over myself. The world was different, I was different, and I don't think that my life can ever be like that hollowed shell again. This will probably be the most spiritual experience of my life.
<br>
<br>
I spent the next year of my life, depressed and sometimes on the edge of lunacy. But I have finally recovered, as the events of that night are slowly fading in with my memory. But I talked to God (or the voice in my Sub-concious, however you want to see it), learned a fundamental truth, touched the light at the end of the tunnel, and realized that I was alive. Truly alive. Life is beatiful, glorious, and is never to be wasted.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2000</td><td width="90">ExpID: 1257</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Apr 18, 2001</td><td>Views: 26,264</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=1257&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=1257&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Unknown Context (20), Overdose (29), Mystical Experiences (9), Difficult Experiences (5)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">4 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(gel tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">300 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Hello! My name is Sam. I'm 27 years old and I have been using LSD and other entheogens for about 18 months. I've been reading a lot lately about 'bad trips'. I've even heard about a couple from aquintances. Most of these tales go a little like, 'I took a lot of acid this one time and I had a really bad trip...I don't even want to talk about it...so I'm never taking acid again. I'll just stick with pot.'
<br>
<br>
I'm really at a loss. Let me first explain my experience with this 'bad trip' phenomenom. I have had two so-called bad trips on LSD. The first was on four geltabs. A friend and I went to the bar where we work after hours all by ourselves. It's a local nightclub and we figured it would be a great place to trip. We fired up the DJ booth and set in with some serious jungle/breakbeat techno. The first two hours went fine. We experienced the initial grip of the beast...intensity. Then we moved on into the chatting stage. We discovered undeniable truths together and sharpened our 'acid wit' on each other. Then we went our separate ways as was par for the course so far. I found myself sitting on a couch contemplating my little world and I began to sink. That's the only way I can explain it. I felt I was sinking. The music was just pummeling me. It was hard, dirty and nasty and so was I. I kept sinking further, and I began to physically sink into the couch and all this music was on me. All I could think was how dirty and nasty I was as a person. I thought it would never end, but I held on. When the music was over it was gone...like that.
<br>
<br>
All I could remember was sitting on the couch and feeling a maternal figure showing me a mirror. This figure was forcing me to deal with myself, and it did so with the same love and temperament that a mother would in teaching her child to tie his shoes. After that, all I could do was smile and the rest of the trip was the best I'd ever had.
<br>
<br>
The second bad trip was almost identical. Same dose, but I was at home and my friend had already passed out. I, however, was still going strong. I decided it would be a good idea to watch the movie '8mm'...bad call! The 'bad trip' was similar, I felt like I was sinking and the movie made feel dirty, but it was intensified tenfold. I couldn't get away from the movie...even when it ended. I went to my bed because it was the only place in my house I felt safe. I wrapped myself in a sheet careful not to let anything but the sheet touch me. I tried to sleep, but a waking nightmare kept me awake and forced me to endure all that it had to offer. I was finally relieved by the mercy of unconsciousness. When I awoke I felt as good as I ever had. I felt purged.
<br>
<br>
These 'bad trips' are the best memories I have of LSD. I don't understand how people can't love them for what they can teach us. I believe LSD opens doors that normally remain closed, for whatever reasons, and force us to deal with the skeletons that live there. Then you don't have to be imprisoned by them anymore. I believe people who quit using LSD because of 'bad trips' are probably using the drug for the wrong reasons in the first place. I hate even using the term 'bad trip'...I call them 'the real trip'.
<br>
<br>
Now, I don't mean to belittle any other entheogens, but LSD isn't for everyone and maybe some people should stick with the less intense variety. But, LSD has a special place in my heart. LSD is my goody goody. LSD is the Daddy. But I will say that I can't wait until I get my grubby hands on some DMT. 'If acid is a slow, strange trip, DMT is like gettng shot out of a cannon'...I can't wait for that.
<br>
<br>
Samuel
<br>
Thursday 18, May 2000
<br>
4:23 A.M.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2000</td><td width="90">ExpID: 1497</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: 27</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: May 19, 2001</td><td>Views: 50,922</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=1497&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=1497&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Bad Trips (6), Retrospective / Summary (11)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">105 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
i was in 4th period art class and had heard a buzz around that an aquaintance of mine was selling blotter acid. it was my 3rd day out of charter glade (my mum found my journal and read that i was not eating lunch, had a crush on my best girl friend, and once smoked a joint with friends- this translated to anorexic-lesbian-pothead to her i guess) and i was 15. i was convinced that this tiny piece of paper could not possibly have any effects on a human. i dropped at around 1pm in art. i only noticed a kind of sour bitter taste and still didn't expect anything. well, it kicked in a half an hour later in french class as my teacher was asking me what time it was. i had to answer back in french but i didn't even hear the question. nor could i comprehend it! i just kept thinking 'who told her to say that?' i was wondering how she managed to choose that arrangement of words. it sounded like the native language of charlie brown's teacher!
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<br>
i kept checking the celing to see if aliens were warping these funny words to her brain and making her say them. i had to share a book with my friend bob bazan*. he would move the book or turn the page and i said a bit loud 'don't do that!'. then i started analyzing his name. bob baaaaaazan. bob baaaazing. bob baaaazam. (bob had dosed a skillion times before so he found this rather humerous) as class was dismissed i tried to avoid eye contact with all the other kids. i remember looking at my friends and thinking they were each individualy wrapped pieces of fruit.
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<br>
in history class my teacher was telling us about the housewives of the renissance era. i was getting really pissed about his one-siddedness and i called him a chauvanist rather loud and rather repeatedly. he looked concerned. i was worried that he knew i was sitting in his class tripping my face off so i asked him when he was born. (a total change of subject) i wanted to find out so i could calculate the dates and see if he was young enough to have taken lsd in the 60's. the numbers just kept falling off the page and i soon gave up. he made me sit downstairs with my friend erica in an empty classroom until the bell rang. (erica who, two hours before didn't belive for a second that i had taken anything that day except some prozac) i listened to the planes go by outside school and sat at a desk pretending i was flying. (lsd is great for vertigo) i wondered how i was going to deal with the school bus ride home. erica drew a map, but that proved useless. she agreed to drive me herself. my history teacher dismissed me from class and said to my study hall teacher 'watch this one, i think she's acting funny'. welcome to conspiracy mode.
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<br>
i was so glad when school ended but then i had to go home. erica dropped me off and my parents were going to be home in a few hours. i figured i might as well actually get some enjoyment out of this whole ordeal. so i went outside with my headphones and layed in the grass. (i belive it was either pink floyd or the doors) it was such a beautiful day and i was still in my uniform. the breeze was blowing my skirt and trees a little and i felt like a soft angel was above us inhaling and exhaling. i thought a bath might be a good idea because when the tape ended i was feeling a little edgy. this was a mistake. when i was in the tub, i looked over at the wallpaper and saw these terrifying skulls and thought my mum had put up this demonic wallpaper in my bathroom to scare the hell out of me if i ever tripped.
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<br>
i wrapped myself in a towel and sat at the edge of my bed, staring at the carpet. another mistake. i got totally lost in the carpet and had to call my friend nick to help me out. when my parents came home they look in my room and see me teetering on the edge of the bed, rocking back and forth still in the towel with my hair over my shoulders dripping wet, and staring at the carpet. my mum flipped ('i know she's on something!') and my dad trying to tell her that i was just having a hard time adjusting back to school ('honey, please leave her alone!'). to this day i don't know if my dad knew that i was messed up and he was covering for me or that he had no clue. i will be eternaly grateful either way.
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so if you are 15 and wondering if that tiny little bit of paper can actually change your perception, believe me, it does. pick something nice to do like a lazer light show. or do something silly like playing with food. just don't do it in school. don't do it in the tub. and don't let your parents find you looking like sylvia plath at the foot of her pink bed.
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p.s. and remember...knives are sharp, guns are real, and taco bell and acid do not mix.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2000</td><td width="90">ExpID: 1671</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jul 11, 2001</td><td>Views: 47,374</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=1671&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=1671&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : School (35), First Times (2)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">160 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
This is in reponse to the ask Erowid question:
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I've read that anti-depressants influence your trip on shrooms, however I haven't heard anything about Prozac in particular. Does anyone know how it would affect a mushroom experience?
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I was taking these three antidepressants, in that order, over a period of two years. About 6 months for Effexor, 6 months for Prozac, and a year for Zoloft. With each I raised my dosage along with my doctors help until I reached the so-called 'high dose'. I reached the conclusion that with each antidepressant the results from mixing other chemicals stayed the same. I also must add I reached a euphoria with Effexor unlike the kind I felt when I was taking Prozac/Zoloft, which I quickly seemed to build tolerance to, then quit.
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MDMA / Methamphetamines / Cocaine: I found that when taking these uppers, the experience seemed to take on new extremities. First, the Euphoria was much more intense, much stronger than when not mixed with SSRIs [Erowid Note: this is the opposite of what is generally reported]. Then, when the come-down hit, it would make me feel like I was going insane. Not like when I came down normally, this was a feeling of much greater helplessness and deprivation of ego. Aside from the horrible come-down, the side effects of regular SSRIs seemed to be multiplied greatly. For example, when I was on Prozac, and would do Crystal Meth, maybe for 1-2 days straight, during my come down I couldn't keep quiet, period. Not that I was just tweaking and couldn't keep my mouth shut, but I wasn't even realizing what I was saying, I was just blabbering on and on (with my friends there or alone), I was delirious.
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I am sure that these effects were because I was on high doses of SSRIs. I do not recommend mixing these compounds only because they both effect your neurotransmitters tremendously and I cannot think of a beneficial result from it.
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LSD: As always, LSD was a puzzling, mind-blowing experience. I was dropping a lot while on each kind of SSRI, maybe go through a vial in a week every 3 weeks. But it seemed much different...
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At low - moderate dosage: With SSRIs the trip's intensity seemed to decrease, the visual patterns that you get seemed to lose their edges. A kind of rounding to everything, but don't get me wrong, it was still a hell of a trip! The visuals seemed to subside into much more handalable patterns, ones that would not petrify or 'trip' me out. These trips were very enjoyable and could be taken anywhere and experienced in any way. What I mean is that normally when I took LSD I would be scared/very nervous to go to a place with a lot of people, with SSRIs the thought of it didn't bother me nearly as much. Unfortunately, not the same can be said about high-extremely high dosage.
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High-Extremely high dosage: This is where things got quite a bit crazy. This is a close description of the plateus when going from high to extremely high doses.
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1) Memory SHOT. None whatsoever... .5 - 1 second recollection of time. Picture frames is all that ones concousness experiences at this point. To say the least, it drove me crazy.
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2) Not in any control of my actions, I seemed to take on another dimension of concousness where whatever comes into your mind you not only know to be true but are absorbed in its reality. The mind races from subject to subject but can't make sense of any of it, the best you can do is try not to hurt yourself or anyone else.
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3) Complete possesion by the acid, no memory of who you are, or who you were. Whatever you see or hear is all you will ever know... not a good state to be in. Not even your friends can talk you out of this state.
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Once when I took about 8 paper tabs, and I was taking about four pills of Zoloft daily. Me and a friend were in my car, smoked a few bowls, then thats pretty much all I can remember thinking. I flipped out in my car. The acid was real good, because my friend who was with me (who takes no SSRIs) just looked up at the sky, mumbled something, then spun around a few times just before collapsing and rolling a few feet, blacking out. I was so out of it I didn't even notice. I was busy thinking about whatever the hell it was that I was thinking about (people that take LSD know exactly how hard it is to put trips into words). All I know is that I broke my rear-view mirror, pissed my pants because I didn't realize toilets existed, kicked out my back window completely, and finally puked all over myself. It wasn't a very pleasant trip...
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<br>
Mushrooms: Although I had not mixed this with SSRIs as many times as I may have wished, I do recall a few experiences. From what I remember, it did not seem to have a strong effect on my trip, maybe a little, but not enough to notice or mind. If anything, like in when mixing LSD, the effect can give you a happier, more peaceful trip versus a sad / scary trip.
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PCP: Unfortunately I have no control to basis this one because I only smoked PCP while on SSRIs, but I must say I noticed I was having a much better time than all of my friends. The trip was pleasant and had EXTREME-numbing and euphoria. It stayed with me 3-4 days after smoking, and I have to say the period in which I smoked PCP (about a month) was one of the most enjoyable and intresting times of my life. It was non-stop fun...
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I no longer take antidepressants, probably because of the side effects and the way they make me feel. All of this mixing made the feeling of just being on SSRIs very crazy and intolerable. I do not recommend taking SSRIs with anything, or at least not taking the medication the day of the trip, but that's just my 2 cents. I hope this information was helpful, have a good trip!<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 8334</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jul 25, 2001</td><td>Views: 207,073</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=8334&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=8334&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">MDMA (3), Methamphetamine (37), Cocaine (13), LSD (2), Mushrooms (39), PCP (113) : Various (28), Retrospective / Summary (11), Combinations (3)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">150 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
It has been 13 years since that very fateful trip, and I am still not over it: I say this without any exaggeration. Not only did that trip re-route my entire existence, but its after-effect lingered for a good decade (I'm not talking about flashbacks - I've never had one - but the duration of the 'highness'), and I am only now, after much reflection and study, at the point where I have some idea just what happened to me, and who I am. If that sounds somewhat psychotic - so be it.
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I was 23 when I dropped the blotter. Prior to this trip, I had smoked my fair share of marijuana - I was still very unconscious at this stage of my life, not at all awake (in the Buddhist sense) - and it always made me laugh or at least have a high-intensity aesthetic appreciation of my surroundings and whatever events might be taking place. I had taken mushrooms once or twice, and had enjoyed them. I had also taken some microdot (purple and pink types) and had gotten off hard, but in the best way: the sort of trip where you laugh until you cry and you're just in the greatest groove of your life. In retrospect, I realize that I was with people I liked and trusted during those mushroom and microdot experiences, and that I felt secure, and this ensured positive results. But the blotter was a whole different scene entirely. I have used acid since, but I am afraid of it now. The last few times I used it, I drank heavily first to reduce the effect. I am sad about that fact, because I would love to feel that high again, but I do not need anymore face-to-face with God, or whatever it is you meet while high on LSD.
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I took the blotter while I was at work; I was managing a record store, and I dropped the acid about an hour before closing. Everything was fine; I remember that, with fifteen minutes left before closing, I had one customer in the store. But I was starting to feel it: that inexplicable electric weirdness that you only get from acid. It is as if your central nervous system is electric, and you feel charged all through your body. It feels good, and makes you grin. Well, I could only smile at this customer, and nod in response to his questions - I wasn't very helpful, but I was shooting off hard. I finally closed the store (around 9:30) and I was attempting to finish my paperwork, but there was no way I could even count or look at the register journal: I was too energized from the acid.
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<br>
While I was trying to finish that work, there was an unexpected, loud, frightening crash on the front windows of the store which startled me very badly. I turned, thinking a car was crashing into the store, and I saw my friends, who had brought the acid to me at the store, and who also had taken some (we had all agreed to take it at the same time and meet up later). They were laughing hysterically, and it was funny (or would've been, under other circumstances) but that scare planted the seed of paranoia into me, which grew throughout the night and ruined the trip (although it ended up being a great trip, as I'll explain).
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We left the store and all headed to our hometown, about fifteen minutes away. One of my friends - the girlfriend of one of the guys in our little tripping party - was not using LSD, and so I asked her to drive my car, because I didn't feel like driving. She agreed, and on the way it started to rain. The car was at the end of its time, and various parts were defective, two of which were the windshield wipers. I think one worked, but not very well, and I kept telling my friend that if she didn't want to drive anymore, I wouldn't blame her. She was OK with it though; she wasn't tripping so she was coping with the situation well, but I was truly high by this time and had distorted reality perception - the paranoia was increasing (I left work without finishing my duties, the window prank had frightened me, the rain seemed dangerous), and I wasn't enjoying the trip.
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We got to our destination and got out. I was craving alcohol, because I knew it would relax me a bit, but nobody had thought to buy beer. We were going to see another friend, who was house-sitting, and we were supposed to meet them in a small cabin to the side of the house, because the cabin had been converted into a game room. I didn't know these people very well, and I wasn't sure that we should be in this cabin, and my anxiety was increasing. But we went in and sat down. Suddenly, a bright red fire-engine style light was shining in a window and there was an awful siren. Needless to say, this only made my condition worse. It was the friends whom we were supposed to meet; they had a hand-held device to simulate a fire-engine, and they had held it in the window and sounded the siren. I remember now that I was sitting on the sofa, peaking on the acid, very uptight, paranoid, and uncomfortable, and that my eyes were darting all over the room quickly, not stopping on anything too long. I was scared. One of my friends noticed my eyes and made fun of me, and that was the end. I said, 'I'm having a really bad trip.' They all looked at me with funny faces: disappointed and worried and annoyed. I said, 'I'm not going to kill anyone or anything, but I'm having a bad trip.' I don't know why I said this; I think I was responding to the worry in their faces - they seemed to be thinking I was going to have a psychotic break. But I was just very anxious and scared. I asked my friend's girlfriend (the one who drove the Pinto) to come outside with me and she did. The whole night was ruined after we went out.
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I felt better immediately, and I just wanted to walk, and walk, and walk: that was the only thing that seemed comforting. My friends came with me, but I knew they didn't really want to do this. I wouldn't have minded being left alone, actually, but they stayed with me. We walked all over the city. I became very grim. I couldn't force a smile or a laugh. The blotter was too strong; I was too high and too much information was getting into my consciousness. I noticed many things over the next several hours.
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I realized that these particular friends were fakers; that they wore masks over their true feelings and personalities, and that underneath the masks they were unpleasant, small-minded human beings (animals, really). This probably sounds awful, but this is what I thought at the time. My relationship with those people was ruined that night, because I saw they were hiding, that they would never take responsibility for their lives and try to live honestly and good, but would remain low. I felt very much distanced from them. I saw all the manipulation and shrewdness in our relations, the conniving and the back-stabbing, and I wanted to cry. It was sad. I realized that I wasn't on the proper path, and that these friends weren't ever going to be on that path: this was my spiritual awakening, my first kensho, or satori. I understood that I wanted to get as much realness into my life as possible. The acid was forcing me to witness my own faults, and the inappropriateness of my way and the company I was keeping, and the truths which I would have to follow for the rest of my life. It was the end of my delusion. I woke up that night.
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<br>
The trip was interesting in some ways, if not wholly pleasant. I had episodes of synesthesia, especially blending of sound and sight (I can't describe this, sorry, I don't have the language to do it), and I had major philosophical reflection, most significantly on the nature of time. I gained an incredible amount of wisdom that night. When my friends were finally sick of watching over me, and declared that they were going home, I got into my Pinto and drove twenty minutes or so to my house. On the way, I had trouble. I could only either drive too fast or drive at a creeping speed - I couldn't manage a moderate, consistent speed at all. I was hearing voices in the wind when I had the window down, and I heard bizarre, distorted, nearly demonic voices coming out of the radio if I turned it on. I had my driver's license and car registration out on the dashboard, and I was ready, if I got pulled over by a cop, to tell him or her that I was way beyond anything that could be tested and to just arrest me and have it finished. But I made it home. I was on the back side of the acid peak by this time, but still really high.
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The earlier portion of the acid trip had been so rotten - I haven't explained it well, and I can't really - and I had been so uncomfortable. But now, I sat out on the front steps (the house was in a more rural area) listening to the wind and the whinny of some horses across the street, and feeling the coolness of the night air, and everything improved. I was away from the charlatans and had some good peace. As I sat there I had more existential realizations, mostly about 'success', and 'making it'. I understood that it was OK for me to do whatever made me happy in life, and that I didn't need to strive unnecessarily for fortune and fame, and wealth; instead, it was perfectly fine to live a simple, quiet life. I felt unburdened and light at this point. Everything was glowing with niceness.
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I went inside to my bedroom, and the walls were throbbing - that was my first real visual hallucination. It was very interesting. I went to the bathroom and, noticing that my jeans which had gotten soaked in the rain earlier had bled blue dye down my legs and onto my socks, I stripped and sat on the floor. I was very calm and content, and I studied my body for quite a while; I was mostly fascinated by the muscle system, how the muscles worked together in groups. I was feeling much better. But I wanted to talk to someone and tell them about what I had thought and what I gained while peaking on the blotter. There was no one to tell, though. I did eventually tire and go to sleep. The trip ended in a quiet bliss, and I was very thankful.
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The following day, my quest began. I had seen something different while tripping, something very real and very true, but missing from my normal life. And I knew - or something knew inside me, something 'deeper' than my ego - that I had to find a way back to that height without the acid. I am still on that search. I have gotten some answers, but it gets harder and harder the further I go. The paranoia from that night still haunts me a bit, though it is lessening. I can say that I would want it to happen to me again, because the acid brought me a small measure of enlightenment, and that overall the good outweighed the bad. But that first half of the trip - the climb - I can live without. It was too much; or maybe I just chose my partners very poorly.
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<br>
That was thirteen years ago. I am now 36. I have a B.A. in philosophy and English literature, and am halfway toward earning an M.A. in theology. I attend Jungian analysis every week. I have a job at a publishing firm as an editor. But I am still questing. I would like to find a way to gain that high again, that certainty and clarity of insight, without the shock of acid, and I wonder if I'll ever find a method for it. Every day I consider abandoning the Western world and joining a Buddhist monastery or a Krishna ashram. But I am still not sure that leaving the everyday world is the key. That trip was memorable and mind-expanding, and I've never been the same, but it was worthwhile, because I started out on the road to my self that night.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1988</td><td width="90">ExpID: 8232</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Aug 7, 2001</td><td>Views: 56,969</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=8232&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=8232&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Various (28), Mystical Experiences (9), Difficult Experiences (5), Retrospective / Summary (11)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td><a href="/experiences/exp.cgi?A=ShowAuthor&amp;ID=91"><img src="/experiences/images/authors/author_logo_default_grn.gif" alt="author logo" align="right" border="0"></a>
</td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">175 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
This report contains the discoveries made during the course of a number of trips. Most were candyflips (mdma and lsd which I think is the best way to trip) but I checked my results with a straight lsd trip and a straight mdma roll.
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OK, the discovery (which may not be new but was a surprise to me) Yoga potentiates psychedelics!! On the 1-5 scale with a 1 being a threshold dose and 5 being complete ego death out-of-body experience, doing yoga while on a psychedelic seems to raise the level of experence by 1 to 2 levels! Not only that, but it seems to vastly improve the quality (subjective enjoyment) of the trip as well as the intensity!
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I first discovered this when I was candyflipping alone and the muscle tension was really starting to get to me. It had been a level 3 trip, breifly, at the peak and again breifly when my bump kicked in and it was not back down to a level 2 and tapering off steadily. Still, it would be a couple of hours before I would be able to sleep and my muscles were in knots all over. I was unable to massage them out myself and I had no roll partner to turn to. I decided that I was going to have to stretch the muscles to get the discomfort to stop. I was a compete beginner to yoga at the time and knew very little about it except for a few basic principles. The first thing that I discovered is that yoga feels REALLY GOOD when one is candyflipping. I got really into it and used some self massage to help out with the stretch of particularly stiff muscles. The second thing I discovered was that I felt like I was coming onto another roll even though I had not taken any more. I kept it up and the experience continued to rise. I started to get major colorful visuals like I could see into my body and visually see the chi energy circulating.
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I began to feel like I could see where there was blockage and tension in my body visually. I kept doing the yoga feeling now as though I was being led through it by some outside devine force and as I continues to work the level of my trip continues to rise. My trip reaches a high level 4 with breif flashes of level 5, the contents of which I could go on for pages about but I will refrain in this context. I am overcome with awe and joy and become incapable of doing anything but laying there and laughing about the perfect beauty and pleasure of it all. A few hours later, I came all the way back down after an unexpectedly intense trip feeling great, none of the usual body tension that usually plagues me after a candyflip. The next day was almost entirely free from the normal hangover all though there was nothing that I wanted to do other than think about all that I had experienced.
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I knew then that I had to experiment further with this to find out if it was some sort of freak occurance or a genuine discovery. I also vowed to learn everything that there is to know about yoga. a few weeks after the first experience, I decided to try again. I candyflip fairly strongly, a high level 3 experience. Once I am clearly on my way back down I start doing the yoga. I wanted to wait until I was coming back down a bit so that I would know where the trip would have topped out normally. This time, it was even more spectacularly successfull than the first time. I am able to push myself up to an intense hyperspace, level 5 experience complete with entity contact and talking to god and the whole nine yards. A complete success. I become convinced that when properly understood, the combination of yoga and the candyflip will transform society. (it might too)
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So far, I have run one more candy flip experiment, a straight mdma roll experiment, and 2 straight lsd experiments. It works great. Yoga will bring the level of any of these kinds of trips up by at lest 1 full level if not more. I am absolulely astounded by the results. I have had several entity contacts and a number of excusions into hyperspace by doing this. In general, a candyflip potentiated by yoga is such an overwhelmingly positive experience that I am on an emotional high for weeks afterwards. I would highly recommend this to everyone who does psychedelics as I think that we never really trip until we include this aspect.
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There are other benefits too, besides just potentiating the intesity level of the trip but these are fairly essoteric and mostly spiritual and you just have to experience it to beleive it. Give it a try. I would dearly love to see some other people's reports of yoga potentiating psychedelics posted here at Erowid for the comparing and contrasting.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 8795</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Aug 19, 2001</td><td>Views: 32,484</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=8795&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=8795&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">Yoga / Bodywork (202), LSD (2), MDMA (3) : Alone (16), Entities / Beings (37), Mystical Experiences (9), Glowing Experiences (4), Combinations (3)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">184 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I decided I wanted to try LSD for a lot of reasons. I had some hang-ups about being naked that frustrated me and my new husband John. He couldn't understand why I still had problems trusting him, and neither could I. I was so jealous of people who felt free enough and comfortable enough with themselves to be able to display their bodies without feeling terrified or even the least bit nervous. I also had this underlying self-hatred that just drove me crazy. I wanted to have the confidence in myself that everyone else appeared to have.
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For a year I had been working on making it better. John was my largest motivation because I could see in him how frustrated he was with me. I got to a plateau where progress was no longer being made. My need for control had trapped me. I was in the position where I had to give up very precious comfort in order to go forward, and I just couldn't do it. I decided that LSD was the answer, like electroshock therapy was for the insane.
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John was getting more and more annoyed with me about my strong desires to use LSD. He has used it a few times in his life, and he knew what it was all about. Because of my terrible reactions to marijuana the thought of me on LSD terrified him. He told me I was obsessive, and I probably was. I was so very anxious to change, and I knew he would be so much happier with me once I did.
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It was difficult to actually get my hands on the drug. My brother who uses drugs very liberally was no help at all, but was anxious to get his hands on whatever I was able to get. He offered to try it out first to determine how much I should take, and whether it was safe or not. My friend pulled through for me beyond my expectations and finally I had it in my hands.
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Within a half-hour of telling my brother about it, my brother had it in his mouth. The next day he gave it his stamp of approval. What was left of the strip of paper was a little less than an inch and a half. My brother took about a half-inch square. He recommended that I cut up what was left of the paper into five pieces and then take one piece. I told John to cut up what was left into thirds because a fifth didn't seem like enough to me.
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Then out of the blue John asked me if I wanted to take it now. I couldn't believe he suggested it, especially after all the fights we had had about me doing it at all. I dropped one of the three papers under my tongue at 3:00 PM (Presidents Day) and we watched Big Top Pee Wee. An hour passed and I was feeling in a particularly good mood, but I wasn't seeing anything, and it seemed like nothing was happening. I told John I was feeling pretty disappointed, and that perhaps my brother was lying about the strength of the drug. After an hour and a half John amazingly suggested 'Still nothing? OK Take another and I'll take the last one.' The movie was hilarious and bizarre, and occasionally scary. At the end I remember laughing and laughing at the image of an elephant in overalls. John said 'Now that's just WRONG!'
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At 5:00 PM I was feeling pretty stoned. I had noticeable shakes and the walls started breathing around me. I also felt like I was in the best mood of my life. We put in some music and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Time started crawling at an incredibly slow pace. I snuggled up to John and relaxed. My mind started to float away. I was enjoying this non-thought and the feeling of John's body next to me was the most wonderful feeling in the world. I tried to play the piano and the sound of it was strange and new. I was still able to play when I wasn't thinking, but when I concentrated the music just slowed to a halt. We had a hard time finding CDs to play because they either had skips or they just stopped in mid-song. Then I realized that I didn't quite know what I was, where I was, who I was, what we were doing. The only thing that I knew was that I was in a living room, assumed to be MY living room. As for the rest of the universe, it wasn't there. All there was was that room and the only other person who existed was John. My ability to communicate was shot, and everything we tried to say to each other echoed in my mind until it made no sense, while at the same time it made more sense than anything has ever made sense. Every attempt at conversation left me laughing. I was smiling so much my lips started to tremble from the effort. I watched the curtains in the living room flow like liquid into itself. Bright and neon green. The walls around me towered to a point where I felt like I was only a foot tall.
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We were smoking like crazy, because time had slowed so much it seemed like there was a smoke in my hand for hours at a time. He complained about how much I was smoking, but in between smokes it felt like there had been at least a half-hour of non-smoking. When I moved the cigarette around it had what I would call a 'chaser tracer'. I'd watch the cherry of the cigarette move, then a bright red spark would chase it wherever I moved it. I figured that one of my eyes was following the smoke a little slower than the other.
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I had to make a trip to the bathroom due to waves of nausea. The walk through the hall was very long, and I thought I would be walking forever. The walls pulled away from me the more I walked. In the bathroom I stared into the sink with the water splashing onto the drain. The water appeared to make the metal drain plug melt as if it was acid rain. I turned and looked at the bright yellow shower curtain and it breathed and flowed like the curtains in the living room, like liquid. I lost the feeling of having to throw up and I decided I was just making myself sick by thinking about sickness. I came back to the living room and hugged up to my husband again.
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I tried to explain to him what it was like for me. How reality wasn't reality anymore, and how I didn't know what our purpose was or what we are supposed to do the next day or the day after. I so appreciated his ability to hear what I was saying, and to respond appropriately. Then it seemed like I was looking at myself from above, out of my body. I floated there for only a moment, blinked, and was back in my body.
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I felt so much love for John then, that it swallowed me. No emotion I have felt was ever that strong. All I could say was that I loved him, that I trusted him, that I needed him. As confused as my words sounded to me as they came out, John seemed to understand me completely. I felt that he and I were connected through our minds. By the time I started to understand what an earth was, and that we were on it, I realized that my mind was being pieced back together after a complete loss of reality. I subconsciously decided that this was the best time to rewrite myself, to change myself to be what I always wanted to be. I didn't even remember what was wrong with me but I knew I had the ability at that very moment to change myself. I talked out loud to myself saying 'I am beautiful, I love myself' regardless if I thought I believed it or not, and regardless of how corny it was. Then I took off my clothes and said 'I'm not afraid to be naked, I like being naked'. This was in the full light that was always my enemy. John embraced me about the waist and told me I was the most beautiful woman in the world. I was able to wander around the house, in the light, completely nude, and even though I felt frightened I knew that nobody would hurt me, because remember the only other person in the world (the living room was the world) was John.
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I wanted to lie down in the bedroom because the music was too intense and the light was bright. We lay down and talked for a long time, never quite making much sense. He started kissing me and his lips were wonderful and soft. Suddenly I realized that we were having sex, and I laughed my ass off at the thought of it. It seemed like such a ridiculously silly thing to do that I couldn't help but laugh. I never knew I was turned on in the least, but sure enough I was wet. Every one of his moans shot this intense pleasure through me as if everything I did to please him pleased me as well. I thought about how primal it was, like we were animals, which we are. I thought about how wonderful it would feel to have a baby growing inside me, and he said 'I want to fill you up with babies' which was incredibly romantic in the moment. The bedroom had this strobe-light effect of flashing light. The light was as blinding as the darkness.
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I got dressed, and made the bed. I loved the softness of the blankets and I wanted to roll around in them for a while. I followed John into the living room and I was completely amazed that the CD player was still playing the CD that I put on earlier. How could this be?!? That seemed like 10 hours ago!! John insisted that he had pushed play on the CD again and that it had started over, but I thought 'You are so screwing with my head John!'
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John decided he was going to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. I didn't like this idea at all. I didn't know how hard he was tripping, if he knew what he was doing at all, and if anyone would know he was on drugs. I sat and thought about this for what seemed like forever, and I just couldn't grasp the idea of John going to the store without me to buy smokes. I made a valiant effort of trust in him and said against all my of instincts 'OK John, go to the store and I'll wait here alone'. The thought of being all alone seemed frightening to me, as well as the thought of John out there all alone. I imagined him wandering off into the woods and getting lost, and at that moment I almost ran outside to try to find him. Another valiant effort kept me inside to wait for him, because I had to trust him. And sure enough he came back home safe and sound.
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We lay down in bed together and watched the hallway. The ceiling looked like it reached down to the floor, and the door in the hall was morphing around in a neat kind of way. Then the light of the hallway compared tothe darkness of the bedroom that we were lying in really had a cool effect. The doorway looked like a pool of water vertical to the wall, and the images of the hallway were only a reflection in the water, bobbing and rippling. John said I should look at this light bulb because it was the coolest. I decided the light bulb was turning around in circles like a surveillance camera. It stretched out and I said 'It's a surveillance penis!'
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Then I turned over and looked into the closet. It reminded me of being a child and how the clothes in the closet would morph into monsters. Sure enough there were monsters in that closet. There were little spiral bright rainbow dealies flying everywhere that were rather interesting as I peered into the closet. I saw skulls and spiders in there, so I decided to roll over again away from that. John was trying to tell me a story about the history of mushrooms and acid, but all I could pay attention to was his face and how it expanded and contracted in a scary kind of way. Then his face morphed into the face of a woman which was pretty funny to me at that moment.
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John's trip was ending while mine wasn't, and I couldn't sleep. We attempted sex again which was fun but I couldn't come for the life of me. Then he lay down to sleep because he had to work the next morning and it was already 2:00 AM. I told him that I was so proud of myself for doing so well that day, and that my life would never be the same.
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I tried to stay as still as I could while he started snoring away. I watched the images behind my eyelids that looked like stereotypical acid images like from Yellow Submarine. Happy flowers flowing into birds flowing into teddy bears, etc. I got up and went into the bathroom. There's a night light in there so I decided to leave the light off. The entire bathroom was very red. I stood there in front of the mirror and just stared at my nude body. I loved the way it looked with the red hue everywhere.
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I finally fell asleep at around 4:00 AM, only to wake up at 6:45 AM to drive John to work.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 5345</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Aug 20, 2001</td><td>Views: 53,517</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=5345&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=5345&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Sex Discussion (14), First Times (2), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">145 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Did you ever want to wake up from reality? Sure, it sounds great...something out of the Matrix right? Well let me tell you right now that you won’t be happy with what you wake up from, and that acid is not just some fun drug to give you a light show...and it isn’t the way to some greater truth either. Last weekend I reached the peak of what acid tries to show us, and it wasn’t at all what I wanted to see. This is what happens when you lose your grip on reality. It’s long, but it’s very important.
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A large portion of my life was determined to come closer to the truth of our existence, and to find the meaning in it all. Despite what some of my friends now think, my life was basically led sober. I didn’t smoke pot until high school, and it was very infrequent, cigarettes only started when I was 16, and I didn’t drop acid until September of 1999...first semester at college. I will try to relay last night’s experience to you as best I can, it is up to you what you believe and what you don’t...I’m just telling you what happened, and what’s true to me.
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To start with the basics, you have to understand some of my own mindset in order to understand how acid affected that mindset. When I was in second grade I started getting nightmares...and I stopped sleeping. After a while, the nightmares went away and were replaced with vibrant, realistic dreams--although the insomnia was, and is, still a problem. The dreams were so real that at times I was sure that they were more of a psychic connection to something--dreams foretelling events. I began meditating, researched different religious views, taught myself lucid dreaming, and a portion of my life was spent just searching for some great truth; some answer to our existence.
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I was introduced to acid by someone who I thought had answers, in all actuality, he had just burnt himself out so badly that he was perpetually tripping; he neglected to mention that part. In the beginning, my trips were wonderful. The first person I tripped with led me on an intellectual journey, which was just what I was looking for. I soon began to love acid, I believed it was helping lead me to some sort of enlightenment. Above all, my mind was so intact during tripping, that I honestly didn’t believe that I could have a bad trip. That’s one beautiful thing about acid, how you can control it so well, just takes a strong mind...a strong mind that I thought I had.
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With an interval of tripping at least once every two weeks, my time in meditation became much more realistic, and much 'deeper.' In fact, the last time I meditated before my last trip (which happened to be in class), I actually saw visions and was brought to such a state that my teacher's voice became obsolete. This, coupled with a new set of intense dreams that woke me up in tears, left me with a frightened, yet curious feeling. I knew that many religions believe that a series of intense dreams means that a change is coming, I didn’t expect this.
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I took three black pyramids with my friends Blair and Chris. I had taken pyramids before, but never that many...two normally fried me out pretty good. I also gave blood the day before. Everything was all right until we were on the roof. On the roof the world began to be completely unrealistic...but it was somehow soothing, so I didn’t really think about it. Before I knew it everything around me had become a dream world (note, I was off the roof by then). Blair and Chris weren’t Blair and Chris in real life, but dreams; images of my mind that didn’t exist. I don’t know exactly when the changeover occurred, but once I was there that strong mind that I’ve always had retreated way behind my eyes...and I watched myself perma-frying on acid. I knew there was something wrong, but I couldn’t quite get it across. I mentioned dying, I mentioned not coming back from the trip, but how were my two companions to comprehend my actual meaning when they were tripping just the same as any ordinary person, on LSD. During the dream, some other consciousness inside me took over. I can’t decide whether it was created by the acid, or brought out by the acid...most likely the latter.
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While in afterglow, I’ve been going through the pictures in my mind...trying to piece together exactly what I was doing. I just remember everything being so foggy, just like a dream...and I felt like I was just floating around in a world created by my mind. Blair and Chris were completely freaked out, I thought it was a game...Blair decided he had to drive me home, it didn’t even cross my mind that he was tripping and it was dangerous. I was gone, I was in lala land...and that’s just fucked up.
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They dropped me off in my dorm room, and left me to whatever was going on inside my head. When they left, I started noticing how real my room was. It had never looked that real in a dream before. I pulled my covers over my head to sleep, and then it started to sink in that something was seriously wrong. I jumped out of bed and looked around, and I saw the room from a mind that was perfectly sober. I relayed the night through my mind, and I reminded myself that I had taken acid. However, acid had never done anything like that to me before; I’d always been in such control. Then what I had to figure out was how my mind seemed as if I had just woken from a dream, as if I hadn’t taken acid at all.
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I turned on my TV and as I watched the faces swirling in rainbow colors, I suddenly realized that my body was still tripping, hard. I had woken from whatever cocoon I was in, mentally, but my body was still there. That’s when it all hit me. I suddenly realized that somehow I let go of reality, and that now that I had control of my mind I had to struggle to keep it. Being in an empty dorm room made it difficult. I could hear noises of people turning on and off showers upstairs. I heard people talking in the hall...I even thought I heard my phone ringing, but there was no one there. I was without any contact to real living people, and I was in a small, brightly-lit dorm room, completely fucked out of my mind.
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The first thing I felt when I 'woke up' was completely outside of myself. I was always such an introverted person; I’m content with being alone. I know that to other people I have many 'nafs', as the Hindus say...or masks, for us Westerners. However, to myself, I felt comfort inside of my own mind, and I knew myself very well. When I broke out of the dream-world, those masks left me. That comfort zone, left me. And I was very, very alone.
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My first hypothesis was that I had snapped out of my other body and that that body was completely perma-fried somewhere back in reality. From there I wondered if I had snapped into another dimension and was forced to now walk around an empty world that looked like the old one. I was even convinced for a while that I had died, it was the only thing that really made sense.
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I had hypothesized that the world is full of new and old souls (I’ve always felt I was an old soul, even before I heard the term). I thought that since I could wake up from the dream-state of reality, that it was like any other dream state. Normal dreams are created by the one consciousness of the dreamer. So to wake up from 'reality' made me believe that we were all connected to one consciousness, but until we all, collectively, realized it, we couldn’t move on. This is what kind killed the idea that I may have popped into another dimension without everyone else.
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The next hypothesis was that since I popped out of my own consciousness that my life would just be a chore, since it’s no longer real to me. I didn’t know how I would be able to continue, and for a second actually contemplated suicide. The only reason that I didn’t, was that I remembered how much my life means to me. I’ve always thought it to be so wonderful to just be alive, and I knew that I was still young and had a lot ahead of me...so I just wanted to fight to stay lucid while my body tripped out.
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The first thing I needed to do was to make contact with someone real, to force myself to believe that there was some sort of reality, even if not to me, to the other people living it. So, I called a trusted friend of mine, whom I had taken on her first trip. She was very patient with me as I told her of what I had experienced, and threw out ideas at her. At that point there were some conclusions that were so real that I couldn’t doubt them. I concluded that there was no God, or higher power (due to how alone I felt). I concluded that new souls are reincarnated until they become old souls and are ready to move on. I concluded that when they moved on they would be new souls and have to learn again to fend for themselves (again due to how alone I felt). I concluded that life indeed was a dream within a dream (thank you Poe), but that the knowledge of that didn’t solve a thing.
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Mandalin brought me back to the house where my tripping companions were (who hadn’t gotten back, so I left a note). She then brought me to the first person I tripped with, since he had mentioned snapping four times, he had a lot of explaining to do.
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We debated a little bit, over what it all meant, but then I had to ask him, if I would fully recover. He said that he sees a rainbow pattern all the time, but he’s teaching himself not to see it, and he has trip willies and acid mouth randomly. He also mentioned that every time he’s really hungry, or tired, or stoned, he starts tripping.
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This brought my mind back to something I had read on a FAQ sheet about LSD. It had said that flashback are caused due to the high amount of psychological stress to the brain, not from the acid staying in your brain or your spine all the time. So I logically knew that the only reason for my body to continue to suffer ill-effects from acid was the fact that I was now fighting so hard to clear my head, that I had somehow twisted my brain to believing that the side-effects of tripping were real. What I had to focus on is that the world around me is real--to me and the people in it--but the effects of tripping were a drug that would wear off as long as I didn’t cling to them. The hardest thing to get rid of was the pattern. As soon as I 'woke up' I saw a very vibrant, moving, rainbow pattern that surrounded everything. However, through intense focusing, I was able to rid myself of it...I’m sure it’ll return at random.
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In afterglow I fought a constant battle between two halves: the part of my mind that had it all figured out, and the part of my mind that was just a little girl who was in a little dream world. On one hand, I know that I freaked the hell out of the people I tripped with, but I didn’t know it at the time. I know that I ruined two friendships, and possibly more than that. I know that I did things while I was frying that I didn’t mean to do, that weren’t real. Whatever dream I was in, it wasn’t coming from my own thoughts...it was coming from whatever small child lies inside of me. However, I know that Blair and Chris will never truly believe that, and to them I’ll just be a really fucked up girl who wigged out on them. I don’t have enough apologies for that.
<br>
<br>
On the other hand, I had to deal with everything I had just seen, and try to put myself back together so that I wouldn’t crack...and I was very, very close to cracking. After having my reality ripped out from underneath me, I had to choose what to accept. This is what I’ve learned: acid is a drug that stimulates a dream world. If you take too much, or let yourself go to much, the world will become a dream...in other words, it is possible to actually lose touch with reality; no matter how 'put-together' you think you are. Now, whether that dream-world is actually a view of our reality in a new light, or just a trick of the brain, that I can’t say, but I can say that to stay sane, you have to admit the possibility that you were just under the influence of a drug which showed you one view of what the 'truth' may be.
<br>
<br>
Above all, I learned that I was asking the wrong questions. What I was shown through acid, I had already hypothesized...but for some reason I thought I had to experience it before my time. What I know is that even if we had the answers to what comes next, no matter how wonderful or horrible, we don’t want to know, it doesn’t matter now and our brains do not have the capacity to rationalize it. What we have, is a life, a reality. Whether it’s real or false, it’s real to us, and that’s what we need to keep in mind. Instead of asking for answers from another realm, just enjoy the one you’re in, and try to better it.
<br>
<br>
If you think that I’m being ignorant by trying to push away what could be real knowledge, then fine, go for it...it will be the worst experience of your life if you actually experience it--and I know you still won’t believe that, I didn’t, but at least let me now say, 'I told you so.' Live the dream; there’s nothing wrong with dreaming.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2000</td><td width="90">ExpID: 294</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Aug 20, 2001</td><td>Views: 36,328</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=294&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=294&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Difficult Experiences (5), Various (28)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">105 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Sunday, September 16, 2001, the day after my trip.
<br>
<br>
This report details my first encounter with any drug other than alcohol or marijuana. That drug is LSD. It left me depressed for several days, but in retrospect I see that it was a very positive, if not entirely life-changing experience.
<br>
<br>
After a major letdown on Friday, (I was very close to getting shrooms but the guy never came through for me) yesterday I finally got my hands on some acid. I bought 2 blotters of unknown quality at around 4:00 PM. For some reason I decided that it would be best to trip alone, at night, in the dark-- McKenna style.
<br>
<br>
The next 7 hours were spent cleansing my personal space. I cleaned up my room, my computer, and myself. I intermitently watched TV, listened to music, and read the Shroomery. I was quite concerned about having a 'bad trip' so I tried my hardest to stave off any negative emotions. Unfortunately the harder I tried the easier they overcame me, and at one point I seriously considered postponing my trip until a later date. Things seemed to get better, though, as I neared midnight, and by around 11:30 no traces of anything were left other than pure excitement mixed with a bit of first-trip anxiety. At least, nothing I could detect.
<br>
<br>
I dropped both hits simultaneously at 12:00 AM and sat down at my computer to listen to some music and chat with a few friends over MSN. It should be noted that I had fasted the whole day prior to this. With that in mind, I noticed the effects almost immediately-- within 10 minutes my monitor became much brighter and I had to physically turn down its brightness level for it to remain comfortable. Whenever I looked at my lamp its imagine lingered in my mind much longer than it usually does. By the 20 minute mark I had definite visual distortion going on; the best I can describe it is like a film had been placed over my eyes. I had trouble focusing them but I could still look past the 'film' and see the object in perfect clarity. For some reason I had no desire of doing that, so I just relaxed and let my vision become increasingly more foggy. Obviously it became harder to look past the film, but I still didn't mind.
<br>
<br>
Half an hour had passed now and all my anxieties about it being 'fake' acid were lifted. Colors were brighter than ever and a comfortable haze had settled over my vision. I began to feel a strange tingling in the back of my skull, like it had been stuffed with cotton. Audio distortion was also becoming obvious. I could still hear the music perfectly fine, but sounds coming in from the street sounded completely different from what they actually were. For instance, I heard the revving of a car's engine as a cow's mooing.
<br>
<br>
I was also noticing some slight tracers in moving objects. I had a really brightly colored rubber ball, and when I threw it in the air and caught it again it left a definite trail. On a personal note, these tracers were not the streaks of bright light I expected them to be. The ball left transparent, picture-perfect images of itself in the air where it had just been. These took a second or two to fade and were really interesting to observe.
<br>
<br>
Then the first signs of hallucination began to make themselves seen. As I was taking down some notes on my pad, I saw the phone breathing out of the corner of my eye. I turned to look at it, but it was perfectly still. This was beginning to get interesting. I didn't acknowledge it at the time, but I was already becoming increasingly spooked. Here I was, in my little room with a single light on, my parents safe asleep, listening to strange sounds coming in from the street and watching my phone plot against me while I wasn't looking.
<br>
<br>
I didn't see it then, but it was the beginning of my downward spiral. I decided that now was the time to say my goodbyes and turn off my computer. I logged off MSN but had trouble turning off my monitor; I became so engrossed with the mouse pointer that I completely forgot that I intended to turn the whole damn thing off. 10 minutes later I snapped out of it, turned off my monitor, and oozed down my chair to explore my carpet. I tried walking and running and jumping around, all of which seemed much faster than normal. In fact I could moved so fast that at the time it boggled my mind.
<br>
<br>
I closed my eyes and was greeted by some very nice closed-eye visuals but for some reason I couldn't keep them closed. I was just plain unable to shut them for more than a period of 3 seconds, even though I was really interested in what I was seeing. They were just plain too bright to watch comfortably. I lay down on my bed for about 10 seconds; couldn't keep still there either, so I bounced back into my chair, happily turned on my monitor, and proceeded to log back on MSN. I spent the next 2 hours talking to several bemused friends (none of whom had ever done anything close to LSD) and listening to Loreena McKennitt and The Doors.
<br>
<br>
In retrospect this was not the smartest musical choice, but I had hurridly assembled it and it seemed like a great selection at the time. McKennitt made me sad, so sad in fact that I began to cry. It was so hauntingly beautiful that I just couldn't restrain myself. The raw emotional intensity of the psychedelic experience made itself obvious to me right then and there. The Doors, on the other hand, had so many varied emotions. I felt joy with one song, sorrow with another, and utter exhiliration with a third. I don't know whether I enjoyed this rollercoaster, I really don't.
<br>
<br>
One of the strangest things about this trip is that I very rarely had an opinion on anything. I just watched (or listened to) it all go by, sometimes bursting into laughter, other times into tears, but always indifferent. I enjoyed both laughing and crying, neither one more than the other. One of my friends was having some problems that he related to me; those also made me cry, yet I still didn't mind. And so it went on, up-and-down, for the next couple of hours.
<br>
<br>
I want to stress again that I didn't really care about anything, I was just enjoying my trip and all the wild emotions and thoughts it brought with it. At that point I was still enjoying the trip, but the feeling of this particular 'enjoyment' is impossible to relate. It's not the sort of enjoyment one gets from watching a good movie or seeing his favorite team win. It was something other, something unexplainable. The easiest route to go would be just to say that I didn't care-- laughing, crying, sad, happy, etc didn't really matter. I was content with anything my mind could throw at me. Anyway, I dawdle.
<br>
<br>
It was late and my friends were logging off one-by-one, until I was finally alone at around 3:00, 3 hours into the trip. That's when it hit me. Hard. I realized that my only contact from the outside world had been cut off, and that I now would be left alone to ride out whatever I faced. I regretted not having a friend nearby, but I also assumed that I now would be left in peace to explore my altered state of mind. Almost immediately, I took out the CD, turned around in my swivel chair towards my bed, and planned to turn off the light. I got immediately sidetracked, however, just as I would many times during the rest of the night.
<br>
<br>
My blanket was glowing with a sort of eerie inner light, and I could see patterns moving on its surface. It was a very simple, repeating texture, but I had never seen anything close to it, especially not on a piece of cloth which I usually sleep under! It made me a bit frightened, however, as I began to envision the glowing as a product of something other-worldly. I then noticed that the various creases and ripples in my blanket were moving all over its surface, as if snakes were crawling around underneath it. I couldn't keep track of the individual 'ripples' but I could quite clearly see them moving all over. Suddenly, the ripples began to gather themselves in a single area of my blanket's surface. The pattern they formed reminded me of an eye with its accompanying eyebrow suggesting an angered expression.
<br>
<br>
At this point I panicked and snapped out of the hallucination. I saw that the 'eye' had been there all along, a product of my ineffecient bed-making. My mind had managed to block it out for most of the duration of the hallucination until I saw the ripples 'gather' there. I found that very interesting, and I still do. Observations like this make me want to do LSD again, just to see what other strange tricks my mind can come up with to play on me.
<br>
<br>
The next hour passed faster than any time period I can relate to. It was spent crawling around my bed in slow motion, where all kinds of different 'scenes' were taking place. My digital clock was doing something, I didn't understand what. It made me uncomfortable, though, so I switched it on. And lo, what should I hear? A late-night talk show host discussing the WTC bombing. Bah, that kept me away from the radio from the rest of the night. It should be noted that as soon as the stimulus disappeared from my vision any emotion associated with it disappeared-- I was like an infant that only comprehended what was in his immediate field of vision.
<br>
<br>
I glanced out the window and noticed that my neighbor's hedges were teeming with life, and I was both fascinated and frightened by it. I made my way back to my pillow and lay down on it, staring up at my ceiling. I have a rack of those art gallery-type or concert spotlights (I don't know what else to call them) above my bed, and the one immediately above my head looked like a huge gaping maw about to swallow me. I slowly willed it to stretch down and expand, hoping I could get it to swallow me. Who knows, maybe I could get something really interesting to happen? Likely something would have happened, if not for this interesting fact: I couldn't keep focused on anything for longer than 10 seconds.
<br>
<br>
However much I become engrossed in a pattern or 'scene' that was going on I could not watch it for more than a tiny stretch of time. It became extremely frustrating, and when I tried to combat it the trip seemingly went away. Thus, I was forced to dart back and fro constantly looking for new patterns to explore, else I wouldn't see anything at all.
<br>
<br>
Obviously I didn't have the willpower to keep my mind on the light that I was forcing to swallow me and keep the trip going at the same time. This is the best I can explain it as; everything literally died away if I tried to combat my urge to look at something new. Anyway, this restless behavior seemed perfectly normal at the time and I don't know why I tried to fight it. This is how the hour and a half was spent, just writhing on my bed looking at everything I could but unable to look at it long enough to grasp.
<br>
<br>
Something else really strange was going on. I had recently added several Motorhead songs to my collection, and was devoting more attention to them than anything else. Anyway, during the whole 'Bed Period', as I like to call it, I had 3 or 4 notes of the same Motorhead song playing over and over in my head. It wasn't a particularly good song, not one of my favorites, so I wasn't too thrilled about having to listen to the same part of it over and over again.
<br>
<br>
I began an increasingly bothersome monologue in my head about the things I was going through, and it reminded me that I had had none of the 'glowing' or 'spiritual' or 'eye-opening' or, hell, even fun experiences that I so wanted. This annoyed me to no end, but neither the song nor the voice were under my control. I was forced to ride it out. It became too much to bear, though, so I switched on my light and turned my monitor back on.
<br>
<br>
It was now 4:30. I popped in a Future Sound of London CD, put on a nice WinAmp visualizer, and just watched it. I felt nothing. The music was hollow and empty, and the visualizer brought no feelings with it whatsoever. I just sat there in a stupor and watched the pictures move across my screen, listening to the meaningless music drifting over me. Keep in mind that I usually _love_ the Future Sound of London and always get a kick out of watching visualizers.
<br>
<br>
Noting the futility of what I was doing, I wondered what it would feel like with headphones on. I plugged them in and was pleasantly surprised that the music sounded much better and I could feel it inside me, although I still didn't care about it. At 5:00 I went back to my bed, headphones on, FSOL playing, switched off the light, and passed out immediately. No warning, nothing. As I turned the switch on my bedside lamp everything went dark and I found myself bolting upright at 10:30 AM, 5 and some hours later. This is when things started going bad. Really bad.
<br>
<br>
When I think about it, the trip itself wasn't that bad, just a lot of sounds in my head and some uncomfortable hallucinations. Plus a whole lot of indifference. This, however, was a fully sober, waking bad trip. I felt empty both in mind and body; I was hungry from the fast of the day before, and it's impossible to describe the state of mind I was in: Just empty. No emotion at all, nothing. A little disappointment here and there maybe. I put on some favorite tunes (Black Sabbath) and I heard nothing.
<br>
<br>
That is, the music which usually moved me and influenced me now had absolutely zero meaning. It's like I was listening to somebody banging pots together. I put on CD after CD, alas, in vain. Music had lost all meaning to me, it had become random vibrations coming from my speakers and nothing more. This greatly depressed me, I didn't know what to do.
<br>
<br>
I spent the next 4 hours talking with somebody who did a great deal toward helping me make odds and ends of my experience and with his help I came to several conclusions about my trip and life in general. It felt _really_ good because my eyes had been opened to aspects of human interaction that weren't apparent before. Ones that I usually chose to ignore, I should say.
<br>
<br>
I expected these realizations during my trip, not in the aftermath, and it was very peculiar to notice that I was still thinking the way I did when I was dosed. It was just a lot clearer, minus the visuals and strong emotional response. I suppose my brain was making up for the absence of other people during the night by providing the same sort of state the day after, once I started communicating. This sort of insight and self-exploration was my original purpose for the acid, and I think it's ironic that I only saw it the day after.
<br>
<br>
Around 2:30 PM, 4 hours later, I happened to glance out my window. I literally almost fell out of my chair. Running up to the window, I was graced with one of the most beautiful views of my life. I saw the trees, the grass, and the clouds in a way that I had never seen before and it was so breathtaking that I just stood there with my jaw on the floor. Everything was so vibrant, colors so bright, contrasts so sharp. It was amazing. At that point I knew that I HAD to go out there, so I quickly said my good-byes and spent the better part of the day sitting on the grass watching the clouds drift and the river flow by. It was stunning.
<br>
<br>
During this time I also took the opportunity to write several pages about my experience and the revelations earlier in the day. I hadn't felt this great in a very long time, and as I walked the street I just smiled broadly and exchanged greetings with every person that walked by. On the way home, however, things sadly became quite a bit darker. I felt inexplicably depressed and seriously began to doubt the things that I had written, the ones which rang so true just minutes before.
<br>
<br>
I got home and proceeded to read several trip reports on Erowid and other places. This was a mistake, as it made me feel even worse, since I couldn't find anyone with anything even closely related to what I was experiencing. I hadn't eaten in some 30 hours, yet my appetite was at zero. I forced myself to eat, though it didn't help my situation any.
<br>
<br>
Music is still meaningless to me, my experience overall seems disappointing, and my 'insights' seem trife and foolish. I feel as empty as I did this morning. I haven't been as depressed in a long time, I guess that's why I wrote this. There are some other things which I wanted to say, but this has dragged on long enough and I doubt anybody will actually have gotten this far anyway.
<br>
<br>
Oh, I'll do acid again for sure, it's unavoidable. But what if this same thing happens? I read about everyone's wonderful experiences with it, and that's what I genuinely wanted. Instead I got an empty trip devoid of any happiness or joy, not to mention severe post-depression. Maybe there's something I'm missing; all I know is that I feel like shit right now and last night was like a pointless uninvolved dream.
<br>
<br>
Wednesday, September 19, 2001, 4 days after my trip.
<br>
<br>
The depression is gone :)
<br>
<br>
I'm pretty much back to baseline, 4 days after my trip. But I'm not the same-- I've been changed in a permanent sense. My eyes have been opened to many aspects of life, interaction, and my own mind. I had been depressed in the weeks and months prior to my trip, depressed and exhausted from the lifestyle I was leading. This is what caused my uncomfortable experience, but it had some very positive consequences. It made me take a look at who I was, and why I was that way. I began thinking about the people around me, about the way that they are, and why.
<br>
<br>
I have a new appreciation for my mind, and the beauty of the world around me. For the first time in a long while, I'm happy just to be alive. I feel connected with certain people, distanced from yet others. I'm not too worried about the latter; I can see through these people like glass now. My musical tastes have also been slightly altered, as I no longer seek solace in the negative energy I used to feed myself through certain music.
<br>
<br>
Things like meditation, keeping a journal, and taking walks out in nature are starting to become part of my routine. I no longer allow myself to be consumed by the digital world. Make no mistake; I don't praise acid as a magical eye opening one-shot-wonder. My experience had a direct correlation with the lifestyle I was leading, kind of like several years' worth of emotion compressed into a single 5 hour long vision. THAT is what caused the above realizations.
<br>
<br>
The drug can only take me so far. In the long run, this journey is mine and mine alone. And that's a great feeling :)<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 9696</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Sep 28, 2001</td><td>Views: 32,993</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=9696&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=9696&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : First Times (2), Glowing Experiences (4), Nature / Outdoors (23), Music Discussion (22), Depression (15), Alone (16)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
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<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">165 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
We had been planning a camping trip for a long time, and I had been saving the empty vials of some truly wonderful acid for months in anticipation. Two hits had previously provided me with the hardest trip of my life. (!!!) I've used lsd dozens of times, but needless to say, I was somewhat apprehensive about ingesting an unknown quantity of the liquid.
<br>
<br>
T+0:00 - We slice open the Sweet Breath bottles with a razor blade and begin to suck. My friend N eats all of his, and I sadly, save the cap and nozzle for later. I'm nervous but excited as I taste all the liquid that's caked on the inside.
<br>
<br>
T+0:10-0:15 - The acid doesn't take long to show itself. My previous experience with this batch took about 30 minutes to get going, so I assume that this will be more powerful. N is also feeling it as we settle down at the campsite to view the trees.
<br>
<br>
T+0:30 - Tripping. Oh yes, tripping. N is VERY tripping. I'm laying on the ground staring up at the trees as he sits down next to me and calmly informs me that he's lost his wallet in the woods. Twinge of nervousness. He's obviously very out of his head, so dealing with finding a small leather wallet in the forest might be a problem. He takes a few minutes to collect himself, then expertly wanders into the trees and locates the billfold in minutes. What a professional. Back on track! Let's go to the damn beach already! No no, the others aren't ready. Two other friends are on the same batch, but only 1 hit.
<br>
<br>
T+:45 - Beach! Beach! Ha! Little boys with toys. We all pack into a giant car and trundle off to a cheesy little tourist beach on lake Michigan. Someone throws what I would later discover to be Wagon Christ into the CD player. Amazing backwards noises and insane psychedelia. Quality album. Both N and I are having crazy auditory hallucinations, but it's clear at this point that he got a lot more chemical than I did. Sigh. Should have eaten the whole thing. Still could... but, I'm tripping madly anyway. Save it for a rainy day.
<br>
<br>
T+1:00 - 3:00 - I will say only this: as far as toys go, lakes and sand have no equals. Gah. At this point, and as the trip continued, I really wasn't able to determine how much I had taken. The low visual level seemed to indicate less than 2 (as two drops had knocked my eyes out of their sockets...) but the intensity of the pure psychedlia was out of this world. As I said before, insane auditory hallucinations. Weird, dissonant backwards noises, children laughing, etc. N had a great deal more of the same. Pretty cliche in some cases, but very powerful. This wasn't the experience I expected, but with acid, it rarely is.
<br>
<br>
T+3:00 - As we left the beach we had to wade back through the more populated area that we had left behind upon arrival. Antsy parents yelling at children they perceived to be in imminent danger of having fun, middle-aged men with Birkenstocks frying wienies and wearing ray-bans, their wives laughing nervously after EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE... all of a sudden I was struck by the powerful urge to fornicate. It felt, well, more honest.
<br>
<br>
T+3:10 - We left a parking lot full of SUVs to go to the local market where we all purchased ludicrous amounts of snack food. Three hours into a trip and we were all stuffing our faces and laughing like a bunch of stoners. How ridiculous. Good time though.
<br>
<br>
T+3:30 - Now the fun REALLY begins. We're back at the campsite and wily enough to convince our token sober boy that we can drive. FOOL! He hands N the keys and we tear off down the winding Michigan highways. Oh yes. Don't drive on acid kids, it's VERY dangerous, blah blah blah. I've never been very good at listening to my own advice. SIGH. Still, we had determined that our ultimate goal for this adventure was Toast, and the nearest grocery store was 15 miles. Everyone has to have a dogma, right? Why not elevate toast to the divine? IT'S GOOD! In any case, we arrive in a shitty little tourist trap and buy our 3 dollar loaf of bread. My turn to drive! What an amazing experience. I LOVE driving on acid. I understand most people are appalled at this practice, but really, it's my favorite part of tripping. My mind is flying at a mile-a-minute, examining my life, examining the world around me... yet another part of my brain is intensely concentrated on the road and driving. What can I say. Everyone gets off somehow. I've got a sick thing for putting egregious quantities of psychoactive chemicals in my body, then hurtling myself and 2 tons of steel down the road at 70 mph. As N says: Glorious.
<br>
<br>
T+5:30ish - We're now on top of a mammoth sand dune overlooking lake Michigan. Everyone's here. Even the other tourists. Snap. Flash. Click. Wind. Shut up Timmy. Our entire group cracks wise about the 'scenic.' There it is! The scenic! I'm gonna get some of it! Roll all over it! Oh crap, I've got scenic in my shoe! We went! It seems that to many of these people, the actual experiencing of the experience isn't at all important. They're all caught up in what this vacation is supposed to be. Doing so much that they never really see it. WE WENT!
<br>
<br>
A child exclaims, 'Look at the sun!' and everyone laughs. God what a sight. A lake spread out farther than we can even perceive... a red ball of fire diving into it... we have to turn our heads from side to side just to take everything in. So large, so grand, so FUCKING AMAZING. And someone behind me is chatting about what so and so did at the charity auction and wasn't that awful and oh my god she didn't! Feh. Unfortunately, that's not a hallucination.
<br>
<br>
T+6:30 - The rest of the night is spent laughing, talking, brooding and eating around the camp fire. We play guitars (the auditory is still fantastic) quite a bit. We play some Frisbee. More toys for boys to play with. I eventually sleep at about the 12 hour mark.
<br>
<br>
Overall, this wasn't a life-changing trip, but it was entertaining as hell. I really can't say conclusively how much I got out of that empty vial, but N got a lot. Based on his reaction I'd throw out an arbitrary guess of 3-6 hits. Not bad for a freebie. The bulk of this trip (for both of us) was examining the people around us. It was pretty, well, sick. But it provided (and always does provide) a fairly sobering view of one's self. We laughed a lot at other people, but we laughed even more at ourselves and our own absurdity. Ridiculous boys playing with ridiculous toys. We nearly fell down laughing during our Frisbee game. This was also the STRANGEST trip in terms of physical urges. We had the MUNCHIES! I can almost never eat on acid, especially while peaking. Then the urge for sex. Still, for both, I lay the blame on setting. I believe that the people around me channeling their primal urges into silly social games triggered these responses in me. Everyone else had similar effects though. I wouldn't attribute it to the chemical, as earlier trips failed to produce munchies in anyone.
<br>
<br>
When one views his or her own human fallibility through the gross example of thousands of others, it should make you feel small and humble, right? Or not. I generally find it pretty liberating and entertaining to admit my fellowship with the festering masses. Just a silly boy. Time to find some new toys I suppose.<!-- End Body -->
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<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 9633</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Sep 30, 2001</td><td>Views: 34,364</td></tr>
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<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Glowing Experiences (4), Nature / Outdoors (23), General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
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<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2.75 g</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/mushrooms/">Mushrooms - P. cubensis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(tea)</b></td>
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<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">250 ug</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td>
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">124 lb</td>
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Background: This was my first session with a career psychedelic sitter. Twelve days before, I had participated in a <a href="http://www.erowid.org/experiences/exp.php3?ID=9762">group ayahuasca session</a>. A friend and I were attended by the sitter and her co-sitter, as if we were having solo sessions, but we were in the same room (setting: bedrolls, eyeshades, music in the style of holotropic breathwork). I anticipated this was going to be my first full-on high-dose ego-death session. Two days later, we were to participate in a group ayahuasca session. We met with our sitters for dinner the night before:
<br>
<br>
We talked a little bit about the work we would be doing the next day and then on Saturday, with Grandmother (ayahuasca). I felt, 'this is right and good,' i.e. it was going to be safe and right for me to journey the next day with these sitters. Fast forward for a moment -- in retrospect I see that comments that were said at the table became reassuring features of the following day's journey. For example, in discussing methods for self-growth, one sitter said 'look at [such-and-such experience] as something for your toolkit.' This was a metaphor that really worked for me. A toolkit represents preparation (having all your tools ready in one place), discernment (the right tool for the right job) resourcefulness and self-reliance, all things that I value. [This may seem like a detail to which I'm attributing too much importance but it's been an important metaphor for me in processing the huge volume of information I got over the next couple of days]. The sitter suggested to us that the addition of mushrooms to the LSD grounding for an otherwise more mental journey (this is how I interpreted it, at least.) We were told to not eat anything after 9 a.m. and to be where we needed to be for our session at noon.
<br>
<br>
That night, I had a frightening dream. I dreamed that I was partying with friends, in a casual setting. We were in front of a stage, but some ways away from it. In the dream, Panyin (my closest friend and co-tripper for this session, she is sometimes a companion in my dreams, too) went and did cartwheels on the stage. She was up there doing cartwheels and she fell and hit her head on a piece of machinery that was behind the curtain of the stage. She went unconscious -- the blow had been so hard that I was alarmed and had a distinct feeling that it could have been a fatal blow. I became quite concerned at what the right course of action would be -- should I call 911 immediately or should I go consult some of our medical insurance papers? (we had just received papers about a feature of our insurance that lets you call a nurse for advice over the phone). I was busy trying to decide this. And at the same time my intuition was telling me this was a dire emergency and she very well could DIE and she would be gone and that would be it. I woke up very upset. It was so disturbing that I didn't tell C when she woke up. Then I forgot about it, we ate breakfast and drove to our session. [in retrospect -- I remember had had a dream similar to this before, 7 years earlier, that deeply imprinted on me]
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<br>
We get to our session. The sitters have prepared comfortable bedrolls for us on the floor and are arranging the music details. Panyin and I do some stretching. I feel very serious. We sit down to have tea with our sitters and one of them asks if we had any dreams the night before. My eyes tear up. I tell my dream, feeling anxious. The sitter tells me in a matter-of-fact tone that what will probably come up for me during my journey is the ego-death stuff, 'getting out of my head' (as in getting hit on the head and going out like in the dream). I have a sinking feeling as when faced with the inevitable.
<br>
<br>
When we are given mushrooms (2.5-3 grams) to hold in our hands and pray on for our intention, that sense of inevitability is even stronger. I am surprised at how much I am holding in my hand and awed at what I am about to do. I remember that my setting is perfect. I try not to think too much about it and just go with it.
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<br>
Someone has found a stuffed animal to put on my pillow. This is reassuring -- I had mentioned the night before that I had forgotten my own teddy bear. The sitter tells us the Rules and tells us some things we can remember to help us navigate:
<br>
<br>
1) there is a beginning, a middle and and end.
<br>
2) we all hold space on this planet -- sometimes you're in a difficult place, but it's just you're turn to be there in the 'hot spot' for a while, that's all.
<br>
3) If you find that you're lost of confused, pick an element of the music and just follow it, it will carry you and keep you moving so you don't get stuck. (now in reading this later, I don't think my sitter was a Deadhead, but this certainly sounds like a familiar message...)
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<br>
We sip our tea and then take the 250 mcg LSD. We lay down and put on eyeshades and earphones. I feel a little anxiety but not outright fear.
<br>
<br>
Now the rest is a little hard to re-construct from my own memory. I remember not getting a whole lot of visual imagery until quite late, after the time that Panyin took a booster. It may have been about T+4:00 or so.
<br>
<br>
My session's 'work' was focused on a difficult place I reached at around t+4:00 or 5. What happened before it is harder to remember; I remember listening to the music and feeling my Observer commenting on how the choice of music can affect the place a traveller is in; in retrospect I had not surrendered to the experience, nor was I resisting it, I felt deeply in it but not very very deeply. I had some insights at this phase, one was that lessons don't have to be sternly imposed; we can learn lessons by being shown things (this related to ideas about parenting and my relationship with my parents, i.e. the archetypes of Father who gives punitive lessons vs. the Mother who shows by gentle example). I had to get up and go pee at one point and I kept my eyes closed the whole way to the bathroom (lead there by one of the sitters) because I in fact wanted to stay 'inside'. But when the sitter asked me if I wanted a booster I had trouble connecting with whether I felt 'yes' or whether I felt 'no' and giggled at the prospect. I didn't know, and because I didn't know I felt a little disappointed. The thought also briefly went through my mind, 'shit, I can't take more, I'm a coward.' [in retrospect, I can understand the thought, but I don't think I can ever be that hard on myself again] I imagined I was going to slowly come back to the straight world without bringing back much, while Panyin continued to trip next to me. But then I realized I didn't feel like more LSD was what I wanted to do. I suppose I lay back down then and put the eyeshades back on, maybe out of a feeling of resignation.
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<br>
The chronology of the rest of this trip is completely pell-mell because I got into timeless moments and linear time went to the background for a long while. I started to panic and it snowballed. At one point I even tried to run from the room and had to be physically restrained! I had taken off my eyeshades, and the sitter was ok with that, but after a while she suggested I put my eyeshades and said, 'there's nothing out here, go back inside.'
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<br>
I took notes two days later and the next few pages are derived from those notes:
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<br>
I was calling out loud to Gaichi (boyfriend) and to Panyin because I was in a space where I had no reference points and I really didn't know who 'I' was, all classic 'bad trip' stuff. I was trying to call to him (Gaichi) so there would be someone who recognized me and who could in turn call me back to myself. This was a difficult place where I really was seeking reassurance -- I kept asking the sitters, 'Is it OK?' and was told 'you're doing just fine, just keep breathing,' and I was having trouble remembering to do that. Then I got fragmented and confused and all this stuff was happening at once -- I couldn't remember what I was doing there in the room or why or anything. I had a vague recollection that I had taken something but even that was unclear because there was no past in that moment. I vaguely wondered 'does it look like I'm having a bad trip?' and I kept moving on past that thought because my setting was one where 'bad trip' doesn't exist [good thing, too!]. But I would wonder, 'am I supposed to try and snap out of this?' I wondered if the people around me wanted Samanthe to come back and should I comply, I couldn't tell what they wanted but I was vaguely concerned about it (my 'trying to please people' programming going strong).
<br>
<br>
Panyin just couldn't stand my anguish without doing something so she came over to be with the sitters attending me. She appeared to me to be looking at me very worriedly and that scared me a little, because if *she* looked worried then there must be something wrong (this reminds me of the dream I had the night before, where I looked down worriedly at Panyin after she fell and went unconscious). I wondered if the neighbors could hear me and I clapped my hand over my mouth ('don't want to impose, don't want to do something that's bad or wrong'), because I screamed twice, as if something really big had smacked into me or shot through me. It felt like birthing, and orgasm, and dying, all at once. I didn't have a choice about it. I felt like I was cycling in and out of consciousness in microsecond intervals. At one point, when I called to Panyin, the sitter gently reminded me 'Panyin is having her own trip.' This kind of brought me back to the current time-space, but I was still confused, and I was worried that I wouldn't pop back up in the same 'place' (i.e. Samanthe, my ego self, my familiar personality) the next time I went 'unconscious' but maybe there was a chance I would pop up somewhere different on the karmic wheel, like a beggar in the streets of Bangladesh.
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<br>
I hallucinated that my sitter growled at me, 'come on, you can't let us down now, we've put so much work into you,' which made me slightly paranoid. I imagined that another mentor friend was in the room in spirit and that I needed to 'come back' or I would really be letting her and everyone down (as in everyone else who values this work). I saw a brief image of papers, like scientific papers with citations at the bottom, and it didn't make sense to me, they didn't seem important to me, because I had no sense of the past. I vaguely reminded myself of all of the books that have been written and the other physical manifestations of human existence that I was imagining as my anchor or trail of crumbs back to 'my' 'life.' I also had a vivid impression that reality was all inside the room where we were, and that I would be there forever. I realized we were all women in the room and I felt a twinge of embarassment that I had called out to my boyfriend, as if it were improper to not stay in the present (the present trip being, 'you are here with two woman sitters, no need to call out for anyone not already here'). It was like a lesson about being where you're at, relating to the people in your presence, and not being somewhere where you're not, relating to people in your head, if that makes sense.
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<br>
I think the sitter did say to me at one point when I called out for Gaichi, 'Gaichi's not here, he's in your head,' and that was at first bewildering but made perfectly good sense.
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I don't remember if the messages in the following three paragraphs came through before or after the difficult part of the session. Even though they were not original in content -- in fact they were pretty archetypal -- I experienced them *viscerally* which had a bigger impact than mere 'book learning':
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<br>
I realized my mother and my father are not my only teachers and parents -- I am the child of everyone I have ever met and not met, and my parents are also brother and sister and children to me. It was a clear message that my parents aren't really my 'parents' -- as if I unlearned the conditioning about what parents 'are.' Basically, they were my portal into this world and I also happened to have learned many things from them. They are not gods. I was seeing from a broader (less unconsciously child-like) perspective what they really are in my life.
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I reviewed the crucial nature of storytelling -- the stories and myths we tell and
<br>
listen to create us and create the world, and the art that artists make creates the world. Artists are sacred and to be revered because they show us things that *can* be and that have been and should be remembered. If we forget stories we forget who we are -- *remembering* is very important. If we don't do that we lose ourselves. I thought of great writers (interestingly the ones who came to mind were all women) and imagined how crucial their work is to the process of remembering. Because the stories we tell wind throughout 'time' and create it, the result is that time really is non-linear. Our ancestors are not just in the past -- they are here and now. I also realized the importance of telling our own stories to other people -- of speaking out instead of just keeping it all inside, of finding one's voice and having the courage to use it.
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It is really essential to be nice to oneself, to pamper oneself, to seek out quality and beauty for oneself in order to create a beautiful and true existence. This message came in at the end and throughout the next day when I started to interact with the world again.
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<br>
Things that kept me going through the experience:
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<ul>
<br>
<li> there's a beginning, a middle and an end (said just like that, by the sitter)</li>
<br>
<li> Prayer: 'How may I best be of service, how may I serve thee God.' (this may sound awfully conventional and I don't even really pray to 'God' but in the midst of my intoxication it provided some comfort)</li>
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<li> Sometimes you're in a difficult place, but it's just because it's your turn to be there.</li>
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</ul>
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When Panyin and I were back at our room for the night (at about T+8:00, following a simple meal of soup prepared by the sitters), I tried to go to sleep. But my mind was flooded with thoughts, mainly variations on the theme of karma. I wondered if perhaps I had fulfilled the duties of this incarnation and might pass away in the night and be reborn somewhere else in my sleep. This was disconcerting. I thought about my life's work and my primary relationship and the family of humankind and my mind was exhausted with the bigness of it all. I didn't become frustrated, I was patient, and this was because the context for all this was a good one.
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We are all one -- the many faces of God -- each person carries in them a seed of all archetypes. Just because we are born to a family doesn't make that our only family -- sometimes our birth family is not even our family at all. So, it's important to not be hung up on the family trip, however, it's very important to honor parents and grandparents on the principle that they have come before us and are also participating in this trip/dance. It is also important to honor and speak to other archetypes in parents and grandparents (i.e. brother, sister, lover).
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(end of notes)
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<br>
I had so many thoughts that night. I thought a lot about money and other types of currency (words are a major currency -- the meanings we attribute to currency of any kind allow us to co-create our reality) that we exchange as we dance the human interaction dance/flow and create our world. I thought about 'trips' -- each persons has their trips. And we can choose to perceive them or not, and participate in them or not; ultimately it's up to us (I was getting lots of lessons on 'free will.') I saw the fragility of life, how unpredictable our lessons can be, no matter how carefully we plan, and that is awesome. Because of the fragility of life, it's foolish to overdevelop one relationship at the expense of others because ultimately you rob yourself -- if that person dies, you have missed out on all the other interactions (this thought probably related to my perceiving my parents as codependent). If you also are developing relationships with other people and a principle in your life dies, then you carry them with you forever and you also have other people there to help you grieve. All of the 'stuff' that was coming through and the observations above were understood on a deep deep visceral level, even if at first glance they appear trite or self-evident.
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The next day, I was not very grounded, and I couldn't drive. I could barely talk. I reminded myself to be really nice to myself. It was then that I decided that I would not be participating in a group session with ayahuasca the next day. I had a lot of things to process and had no use for another day of 'churning the waters.' Too much to integrate already. At 2 pm or so (T+25:00) I finally took 4 mg of Valium because I craved some respite. I was *so* grateful for it. I slept for 2 and a half hours and when I came out of it I was *still* totally spacey. Panyin and I went to see a movie. I estimate it took my about 30 hours to get back to baseline.
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------------------------------------
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The next day, I sat with eyeshades during everyone else's experience. I felt my chronic shoulder pain acutely. After about an hour, I was telling myself over and over again, 'be gentle with yourself.' I felt the pain shift and diminish. It came back, and I just reminded myself, 'be gentle with yourself.'
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After many hours, I fell asleep. When I woke up on Sunday, I wrote the things above. I also took notes while another woman shared her notes, because her words spoke to my experience and stimulated my thoughts: Embodiment -- learning self-affirmations through the body (movement &amp; breath) -- assures that those lessons will stay with us and be with us when we need them... Men are subtly taught that their bodies are less valuable than women's, that theirs are expendable (mainly through wars). This erodes their humanity and their nurturing. They really need nurturing, and so do women. Healing ourselves is our gift to the world. Work with the plant to learn things, different aspects of the Self. We need Sanga--community--to share, to become ourselves, because living among people not of our community can become confusing. Be gentle, develop beauty. Do not delay pleasure that can be felt now. Connecting with the same gender is important, to become human, to learn to avoid playing roles which don't fit us. We are what we take in--it is divine. We are the Creator, being created, and creating. Respect each other's truths--it is all part of God/Universe.
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Notes, 2001: It's really enjoyable to re-read what I wrote, and flesh it out, with the perspective of two years. It feels good to see I've applied some of what I learned, and that what I haven't yet applied, I still see myself doing in the future. This trip feels like a part of the fabric of my life. It was incredibly difficult to endure. And it felt like I endured it -- I am learning that I want my life to be about experiencing, not about enduring. I can see now how I was imagining that the 'right' way to trip was to do a high-dose LSD session, and I dutifully followed the imperative even though I was terrified. I'm a little better about not being so hard on myself these days. I'm not sure if I would go to that fear space again -- I think probably not. But I don't feel like repeating LSD or mushrooms like that again -- I prefer ayahuasca. The LSD felt too mental for my taste, and mushrooms feel just plain weird. But I am so grateful I went where I did with this trip!<!-- End Body -->
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<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1999</td><td width="90">ExpID: 9764</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 4, 2001</td><td>Views: 73,189</td></tr>
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<tr><td colspan="2">Mushrooms (39), LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Guides / Sitters (39), Bad Trips (6), Combinations (3)</td></tr>
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<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
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MDMA and LSD Therapy in the Treatment of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in a Case of Sexual Abuse
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1st Adam Trip: 125 mg March, 1984 MDMA
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2nd Adam Experience: 125 mg April 14, 1984 MDMA
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LSD Report: Saturday, April 21 300 mg with 65 mg MDMA
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<br>
Background
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<br>
Marcela: Born in Medellin, Colombia, August 15, 1958.
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I came from a family who never spoke about heritage. Our culture was Spanish, our tradition unique and this was all that mattered. All I knew was that we were not Catholic and that, unlike all my friends, I hadn't been baptized and would not have a First Communion. We were a minority in a country where 90% of the people are Catholic.
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<br>
As I grew older, thoughts about where we had come from became very important to me. At home, we never spoke about emotions or thoughts that bothered us. My father had been raised never to show his emotions or speak about them, and my mother was too busy as a child taking care of five younger brothers and sisters while my grandmother worked, to ever think about having emotions. I learned very fast not to ask questions and always pretend that everything was all right. Looking through old trunks and reading old diaries I came across my father's heritage. His father and mother had gone to Colombia from Spain. They were Jewish and had to leave everything they had behind, including their lives as part of the Jewish race. They had suffered a great deal and maybe in an attempt to forget the past, they had never spoken about it.
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<br>
My father was the only one to move away from the capital where they all lived. He lived in California and Florida for some time and returned to Colombia with a head full of Western ideas. Education was to him the most important thing and he worked very hard to see that my brother, my sister and I could attend the best English-speaking private school in the city. He believed that knowing other cultures and languages was very important for a good education, English being the most important one. Today I believe he was right and I am thankful to him for having given me the opportunity to learn English.
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The English language became the focus of my own education. The United States and the stories my father told about it were fascinating to me, and the thought of some day coming to the States (a trip promised to me when I learned the language well) was alluring.
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For many years, even as a young child, I felt out of place in Colombia. My grandmother on my mother's side was traditional Colombian with the exception that her family was also a minority, being Protestants. I was very close to her and learned a great deal from her. She was a strong woman, proud of being a Colombian, and I adopted a lot of her beliefs. Her husband had come to Colombia in a boat (no one knows where from). The boat experienced some trouble and had anchored in a small town on the Pacific Coast where my grandmother lived. He was nineteen and was adopted by a Colombian family who gave him their last name. My grandmother married him shortly after that. All my grandmother knew was that his first name was Oliver. She never asked any questions in regard to his past and he never volunteered any answers. They were married for ten years until my grandfather died of cancer at the age of thirty-two.
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<br>
So basically the only culture given to me was from my grandmother. I also studied the Jewish history and felt very much a part of it. It seemed to fill a great emptiness in my identity, but it also made me feel like an outcast since no one else in my family shared my inclinations.
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I came to the States in 1970 at the age of twelve and lived with a family, friends of my father's. For the first time in my life I wasn't disappointed by my expectations. I loved the snow, the architecture, the language, and the people. I adjusted to the culture very well and even if it was difficult being away from home at that age, for a whole year, I took advantage of the language and tried to learn it as best I could. The only thought in my mind when I returned home was that I wanted to live in the States. I was soon enveloped again by my own country with one great difference: I had something to compare it to. The poverty , the corruption, the ignorance, and conformity of my people became impossible for me to ignore. I had learned that showing your emotions and speaking about them was not a sign of weakness. Back in Colombia I was once more faced with the idea of ignoring everything around me and pretending that everything was okay.
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I became rebellious against my family, who had always pretended to be well-balanced. I saw the reality of it, how we respected our father out of fear instead of love, how my parents never showed any love for each other and were married simply for the sake of the family. I saw my mother's suffering because she didn't have her own identity. She had been married at the age of fifteen to a man twenty years older, whom she saw as a father, never really as a husband.
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I began to live by the motto: 'You are a true revolutionary only if you truly love,' Che Guevara's words. I loved my family and my country and felt that only through revolution would it have a chance to go forward. I was a true idealist who thought that love conquered every problem and was willing to give my life the name of true love. At the age of seventeen, I left school and home, not having gotten any results at home; instead, I caused great chaos and pain to my parents. But instead of understanding and love, I found corruption and violence. My idealism was rapidly replaced by a horrifying reality. I came to believe that love itself was just an idealistic word that could destroy me, and felt that the only way to live was by ignoring all emotions (precisely that which I had for years fought against).
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In an attempt to save myself and no longer my country, I returned to the States with the hope to forget the past. I lived withdrawn, not allowing myself to feel pain or sadness or happiness, spending my time studying in the hopes of finding something that would fulfill me in some way. I got a scholarship to go to school. But after the first semester, realizing that learning was not everything, that I couldn't fulfill myself, that I couldn't ignore the rest of the world, I tried suicide feeling that there was no other escape.
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I had failed at being a good writer and a good artist, both being my most important goals. I also failed at suicide and was put in the hospital for a month, where I learned the true meaning of indifference. I felt that people there only cared about the superficial self and that it was too much trouble to really find out what was wrong. I played their game and left the hospital, 'cured.'
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The next few years were dedicated to my studies and I tried to be the best student that I could possibly be; always trying to keep my own ideas about literature and art. I had wonderful teachers who encouraged me to paint and write, giving me good constructive criticism. My work fulfilled me and I saw these as the best years of my life.
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The problem then was that I was blinded once more by idealism and didn't think as to the practicality of my career. Upon graduating, I was faced with the uncertainty of how to make a living, realizing that I couldn't make it with my writing or my art. So I had to leave aside that which had fulfilled me and try to find a job that would support me.
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So now, at twenty-five, three years after my graduation, with a feeling of restlessness and emptiness, I struggle to find a job which can fulfill me. I know that I can dedicate myself to my work if it means enough to me. That in itself would be enough to give me courage to face everything else around me.
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My idealism? It is still there, refusing to die, but even though I blame it for all the pain I have felt, I must admit that it has been idealism which has given me hope, and hope which has helped me cope.
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1st Adam Trip: 125 mg March, 1984 MDMA
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It is difficult to speak of emotions, especially when those are painful to remember. Often I have avoided my own thoughts for fear that they would crush me, and have lived in an oblivious state for months at a time until one day I collapse and have a nervous breakdown. The has been my life since I can remember.
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Never having taken any kind of psychedelic drug, I was very reluctant to try Adam, mainly because I was afraid of losing control of my mind and allowing my emotions to take over. My decision to finally take it was partially from curiosity and the hope to give a good experience with Ron.
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At the time, we were in a hotel in Washington, D.C. I took the Adam at 11:00 p.m. (125 mg) About twenty minutes later, the effects started working but they seemed purely physical. My legs felt as though they had fallen asleep and my head felt very heavy. My eyes focused on the wall immediately in front of me and it took great effort to move. All of a sudden I began to cry, not knowing really why. I wanted to speak but didn't know what to say. My mind was filling up with the past memories and I felt the need to start by telling Ron my life story. Not a very happy one I might add, having been very ill as a child with a lot of physical pain and being kidnapped at the age of four. There were so many things that I wanted to say that often my sentences were not coherent and I would jump from one thing to another, later realizing that I hadn't finished my sentence.
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At times I felt I was an observer, the words seemed to be coming from another self yet I could identify with them. There was a lot of pain reviving memories that I had wanted to forget. One of them was my terrible fear of cockroaches. When I was kidnapped, I was tied inside a bag which had cockroaches , leaving me with a terrible fear of them. But at the same time I felt a tenderness towards Ron for just being there listening. It was hard to remember the horrors of the past but I didn't feel lonely or lost. Ron filled the room and that was all that was important.
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The feeling of tenderness and peace helped me to speak of fears that before had been too great to even think about. I was faced with reality and at that moment my greatest fear was that of losing Ron. I didn't want the night to end, despite the fact that there was so much pain and I couldn't stop crying. My biggest fear was the thought of facing the next day, the reality which existed outside that room. I wanted to be assured that the closeness wouldn't end there, that the tenderness was real and not evanescent. I was living the pain of the next day and realized that the suffering was so great because the love in that moment was so strong.
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Sleep was impossible, even though I was totally exhausted by 5:00 a.m. The experience had left me vulnerable and I felt a great sadness. Thoughts of the night kept drifting into my mind and I realized with horror that the most vivid memory was that of wanting to die. This is me was nothing new, wanting to die has been on my mind since I was very young and I have tried suicide twice, when I was fifteen and again at twenty. But now I could see clearly that I had been ignoring my depression for months and that nothing really had changed since the last time I tried suicide. I wanted still to die more than anything. Linking my past with my present was horrifying. I couldn't find a place in the world. I couldn't relate to anything around me and there were no alternatives.
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The next day, I wanted to stay in the hotel and talk to Ron. I wanted to understand our relationship better, feeling that the night had only been the beginning of the unraveling of our own confusion. But we had deadlines to meet, life had resumed, and facing it seemed a greater challenge than before. We drove to New York City in a snowstorm. I wanted to keep on driving forever, to never arrive in New York, to simply hold on to Ron and stay that way. I didn't feel capable of dealing with anything but our world inside the car.
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The next morning I was left alone while Ron went to work. We were to meet back at the hotel at 3:00 p.m. to go to the airport. My loneliness had arrived at a point of despair. I walked the streets with no destination. I went to the museum hoping to be consoled by the paintings that so often had inspired me but found no courage to look at them. I sat on a bench hoping to simply die. By this point I was determined to kill myself and my immediate decision was whether to see Ron one more time or just leave then. Being sucker for punishment I couldn't leave without seeing him one more time. I felt that he should know my fears, and that I owed it to him to try to explain.
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It wasn't easy trying to explain why, at the age of twenty-five, I wanted to die. I told him that this time I honestly thought I had reached rock bottom and that I couldn't survive anymore. Ron was so worried and his eyes were full of sadness, I should have left without explaining. He had only one request: to wait a few days and call him and his friend Rick. At the time his request seemed too much, just facing the next hour was torture. Leaving Ron to go get my plane was the hardest thing I have ever done. To me, this was the last time seeing his face. I felt already dead.
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The rest of my trip is a blackout to me. I don't know how I got home or why I was three hours later, according to my friend who was there to pick me up. He saw me and thought he was looking at a ghost. All I could say was, 'If you really care for me, help me die.'
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I have little recollection of the next five days. I was taken to the hospital where they gave me tranquilizers. The doctor spoke about depression being an illness that could be cured with medication. He asked me to rest for five days while taking the tranquilizers and 'anti-depressant' drugs and to come back to see him. At the time, nothing seemed better than to take the pills and forget the world, which is just what I did, refusing to eat or get out of bed. My time was spent in thinking of ways to die. I realized that I had never had a meaning for living except that of not hurting those who cared about me. But I didn't want to lie to myself anymore. I had been in hospitals and taken anti- depressant drugs before. All these had done was help me cope with an everyday life on a very superficial level. The drugs had made me feel numb to the extent that I wasn't even feeling sadness for my mother having cancer. The idea that I was looking at everything in my life as though it really didn't belong to me, as though my own mother was a total stranger whose death wouldn't affect me, was more horrible than death.
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I was not willing to continue in this way. I was weak and felt that there were only two alternatives: to kill myself or to go see Rick like Ron had wanted me to. I remember Ron's sad eyes and decided to call Rick.
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I arrived in Sarasota, FL a few days later, being often confused as to why I had come. All I did was cry. It was hard being with Ron's friend in a house where we had been together. The memories overwhelmed me with pain because I felt that they were gone forever. But somehow, because Rick knew Ron and he seemed to understand, I started confiding in him. There was nothing but tears and sadness but Rick was there to listen. In a way, my hope was for Rick to understand my reasons for not wanting to live, accept them, and later explain to Ron. But Rick's reasons for helping were deeper than that. He wanted to help me find reasons to live. At this point we came to the conclusion that it would be better not to take the anti-depressant drug and try to face and get to the bottom of my fears and suffering.
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2nd Adam Experience: 125 mg April 14, 1984 MDMA
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After a week of pain and trying to think of nothing but my emotions, Rick suggested taking Adam again and I did. I knew that for me it would be painful, but also different than the last time. Now we were dealing with lifelong emotions and not just my situation with Ron. I was afraid I didn't want to relive the bad memories but now that my emotions were so vivid, I wanted to get to the bottom, to be able to combine all my new emotions with the past and try to understand my life and my depression as a whole. It was my last attempt to survive and I had nothing to lose.
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I took the Adam at around 5:00 p.m. Rick and Flo were with me and again I felt a wonderful closeness and trust in them. They helped me up the stairs. My eyes were closed and even though I felt that I was falling off the edge of the stairway, I trusted them totally and was never afraid. This was a wonderful moment.
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My perception was very keen, I seemed to be a lot more aware of that moment. Like the first time, there was a flowing of emotions and I started to cry. Flo and Rick's presence gave me reassurance and I was able to trust myself to go deeper into my past and speak of painful aspects of my life. I knew that they were there to help me and I felt the need to pour out my agony. My emotions were becoming too much too handle, they seemed to be poisoning my veins.
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By this time, I was scared to keep going deeper into my past. Rick asked me to be silent for ten minutes and think and feel what was happening to me. It took a long time before I could do this, always fearing that I would simply go mad. When I finally accepted it and did it, I could feel the pain take over my body so that the suffering was physical as well. I was alone in this suffering. I felt that I had to go through it if I was to accomplish anything. This was an important challenge because after ten minutes of too much pain, I was able to trust myself to speak of what was once too painful to remember.
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I spoke of rape which occurred eight years ago. For eight years I have kept the most horrible aspects of that day hidden in the back of my mind, and it was only then that I realized how the little details that I had wanted to ignore were eating me like a cancer. We can ignore cancer but it soon takes over. The memory became very vivid in my mind and the suffering more intense, but still I wanted to talk about it and felt that I could deal with the pain, that this was a start to try to defeat the cancer. Rick and Flo's presence and the Adam made it possible for me to speak and try to see things from a different view.
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By talking about it, I was able to face the fear of the experience and to understand what it had done to my life. It was frightening to think that I had tried to ignore that day to the point where I didn't know where the pain came from, nor did I remember what had happened. I had gone through life having nightmares and feeling guilty, telling myself it was not normal to be affected by something that had occurred such a long time ago.
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I spoke of my guilt. All my life I have felt guilty for one reason or another; for my parents for not loving each other, for being ill and inflicting pain on others, for not being able to do anything for my country, for being selfish and too sensitive. Guilt had made me an outcast and I walked around alone and depressed and found little meaning my life.
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When I was raped, what I now remember most vividly and as the most dangerous and destructive feeling, was a sense of emptiness. I didn't feel love or hate for the people who had hurt me. I didn't feel anything toward myself and even less for life itself. This is the reason why I don't like the anti- depressant drugs, they make me feel the same way. I continued living because I didn't even care enough to kill myself. I remember crossing the street and thinking, 'If a car hits me, fine. If it doesn't that is fine too.'
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I had given life its chance, eight months before the rape I had run away from home because I couldn't stand just living without a meaning, starvation seemed a better way. In search for meaning I had trusted people who later raped me and left me with the threat that they would one day find me to kill me, not wanting to kill me then because they knew that leaving me alive was far more torture. It's much worse not to feel anything than to feel something even if that something is sadness.
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I decided if I was to continue living, the only way to do it was to be isolated from the rest of the world. A complete change in life became a necessity. My own country was too much of a reminder of my existence, so I left with the idea never to see my country or those I loved again. I wanted to find a place where no one knew me and where I wouldn't have to talk to anyone. I came to the states and accepted a scholarship to study Literature and Art. Books became my only companions. I went to classes Monday through Friday, never speaking to anyone and on Friday I would take Valium and sleep until the following Monday. Convincing myself that this was the best way to live, I continued in this fashion for another year, a total of two years after the rape. But this too became too painful and I just couldn't understand why I was living anyway, so I tried to kill myself, taking an overdose of Valium.
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I was sent to the hospital for a month where doctors make me feel worse by telling me how many things I had going for me and how many people were so much worse off than I was. I'll never forget their phrases, which seemed to hurt me like daggers: 'You have so much to look forward to,' 'What do you know of suffering if you are only starting to live?', 'There are so many people who love you,' etc. My only feeling then was that if I didn't know about suffering because I was too young, I never wanted to find out about it. My feelings of the hospital were that the doctors and counselors only cared that I remain alive. To them this meant success, it didn't matter how I lived as long as my heart was beating they had done their job. I remember my counselor telling my parents how well the anti-depressant drugs were working. I got a pill in the morning and another one in the late afternoon, keeping them under my tongue until I was away from the nurse, then throwing them down the elevator. They were helping me a lot!
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With the doctors' feeling of success because I promised not to kill myself or take the Valium again, I left the hospital to face the world again. Living a type of vicarious life, I went through school and in May of 1981 I graduated with a B.A. in Literature and Art, and returned to my country feeling the obligation to try and help the people there as best I could. I taught for a year but returned to the States with a feeling of hopelessness. There was nothing that I could do to change the country and I couldn't live there ignoring the poverty and the corruption. I felt defeated and guilty. Back in the States, I taught for another year, but teaching made me a hypocrite because I wasn't able to teach what I believed in and the way I thought best.
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So finally once more my emotions caught up with me and I was closer to death than I've ever been before.
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Adam has helped me look at all this suffering, see my life, as a whole and understand it better. It has given me the courage to face the fears instead of ignoring them, to know that the most important thing is to struggle to trust myself. I don't know what my life will be like now, or how much I want to live, but I do know that the experiences I have gone through even though painful, have also been full of trust and tenderness and there is not the feeling of emptiness. I am not leaving a hospital with a prescription for anti- depressant pills in my hand. But rather, I'm leaving a friend with the hope to see him again and the courage to try to face my fears and life.
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LSD Report: Saturday, April 21 300 mg with 65 mg MDMA
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'To be educated is not only to be proficient in mathematics, history, or geography, it is also to have the ability to understand this extraordinary thing called death-not when you are physically dying, but while you are living...Death is the unknown, and what matters is to know of the unknown while you are living.' --J. Krishnamarti
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It was the experiencing of many deaths that is helping me live now.
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A few days before taking LSD, when I had finally decided to take it, I had a dream about three people who went through different deaths coming back to life in a cycle, always staying for a shorter period of time. I was an observer, yet a participant as well, but because I was an observer and knew everything that was happening to these people. I was unable to warn them about danger or to change their destiny. Two of the people in the dream had struggled with their love for each other, always being together but death always separating them, until their return to a different life where they had to find each other again. In their last cycle one of them was a flower and the other seaweed. They were together and it seemed to me that finally they would be together in death forever. They had to suffer horrible deaths and be separated but at the end they got their peaceful ' heaven.' As a participant I struggled with the different lives and felt great pain, but as an observer I was calm and accepted these cycles. There was the knowledge that no matter what I tried to do or say the cycle was to continue its regular course. My task then was to accept and try to understand. It would be much easier then to fight the cycle.
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I mention this dream because it has a lot to do with my experience three days later, when I took the LSD. My mind was advising me what to do to make things easier, yet I wasn't aware of this until after the experience. Now I know that if I hadn't tried to fight what was happening to me it would have been easier.
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I took the LSD at around 1:30 p.m., thinking that things would get back to normal by sometime around 8:00 p.m. Sometimes it's better not to make assumptions, I didn't get to sleep until 10:00 a.m. the next morning. About twenty minutes after I took the drug I started feeling that I was no longer in control. Having prepared myself for the worst or the best, I had organized all my belongings, all my clothes were clean, I finished the book I was reading, 'Woman in Love,' had written letters to people dear to me and had brought with me my pad and paints hoping to be inspired and paint my last , best picture. I was preparing myself for death, a physical death, but had never imagined another type of death. When the objects in the room came alive and everything seemed to be breathing, I panicked and told Flo that I had gone too far, that I wasn't ready for this. I couldn't believe they had allowed me to do this to myself. At this time my nausea began, a terrible nausea that stayed with me until late the next day. I wanted to go back in time, to start all over, but like in my dream there was no returning.
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Rick asked me to lie down. Everything seemed to be falling on top of me. My eyes were fixed on the window which was getting larger allowing me to see the sky. The sky looked beautiful for a minute, but then the little specks on the window became large insects smiling at me, and the fan above me a helicopter making an incredibly loud noise that made my ears tremble with pain.
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I started to experience different deaths simultaneously. It was as though there were screens all around me, all showing a different movie, a different death, my death. I was a participant in each one of them and the person on the bed was the observer feeling the pain of these deaths. Feeling the pain of one death was bad enough, but feeling the pain of four at the same time seemed more than I could bear. My attempt to explain what was happening at once. I could only say short phrases and ask for help. The best way in which I can explain the events is to separate them into different screens and experience them now as separate entities.
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Screen One: I was in the desert, very hungry and hot, someone was making me walk and I kept falling on my knees. There were airplanes flying above me, their noise becoming intolerable. The desert was so vast and lonely, there seemed to be no type of life around and the sun which has always meant life to me, was now my enemy burning my head and the soles of my feet. The people there were trying to starve me while they ate gourmet dinners. They were laughing hysterically and pointed at me while I was burning and starving to death. My body was swelling as though being bitten by a snake, I could feel the venom in my veins burning me; finding no escape. I wanted to vomit but was unable to. The burning was too much to bear and I felt I was losing my mind. My associating with this death is the fact that ten years ago I ran away from home and went to a very hot city where I didn't eat for two weeks. I remember vividly losing my mind to the point that I no longer knew who I was.
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Screen Two: I was totally deformed. My feet were elephant feet. My face was melting into my shoulder, I couldn't move, I could feel the skeleton of my body, the hollows around my eyes, the mocking smile my teeth created. I tried to speak but my tongue was ten times its size and was pasted to the back of my mouth. My eyes were crossed so that everything else looked distorted. Rick's face was melting and his eyes were getting larger and larger until his whole face was an eye. Flo's face seemed to reproach me, she was smiling but her smile was that of a dead person, it was becoming a skeleton as well. I couldn't stand looking at them, but couldn't take my eyes away. Something in the back of my neck was pulling me beyond the bed to some horrible darkness. I was struggling to remain on the bed, but there on the bed were horrible insects that turned into deformed fetuses with long tails. There was nowhere to turn to.
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Screen Three: I was looking for my grandmother. She died three years ago and as she was dying she was explaining what beautiful things she was seeing. Her only wish for many years was to die and go to heaven. There was never a question in her mind that there was a heaven. She believed in it with faith and even though she wanted death thirty years ago, she waited patiently for her turn to come, suffering a great deal while she lived. I was looking for her death because I believed there I would find peace. But instead I became her in life. In her actual life she had suffered great depression when two of her sons were killed by the police for not having military cards. They were killed within weeks of each other. One of them was 17 and the other 20. She was not allowed to see them and the police reported that they had been shot at in self- defense while they were trying to rob a house. This was more than she could bear and her anger was such that she lost her mind and refused to leave the police department until justice was done. The government institutionalized her and it took a month before my mother was able to get her out. She suffered a great deal in the hospital where she was put in a cell with very ill people and dirt all around her. She was fed very little and was not allowed to see her family. I was experiencing her suffering and anguish in this institution. The hopelessness and fear, the rotting of my body and worst of all I experienced going through electroshock treatment. In trying to find my grandmother's peaceful death, I had found her moments of torture and greatest pain. I realized with horror that my grandmother's death was not mine, that dying didn't necessarily mean peace.
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Screen Four: This was the most vivid and real death that I was experiencing because it led to a real event in my life. I was being strangled by someone. His strong hands around my neck were making my nausea worse and were preventing me from vomiting. I couldn't see anymore and my strength was leaving me. I was terribly cold and felt totally alone. In the distance I was crying for help and could hear Rick's voice telling me that if I allowed the hands to kill me I could go beyond that. It make sense to me but I was unable to stop fighting. Then I started to experience what had happened almost nine years ago. I had totally blocked this incident out of my mind, all the time being very afraid when people put their hands on my neck but not really knowing why. It was all coming back as I was being strangled. In the actual event, I left work at 6:00, Mario (a man who later raped me) was waiting for me, he was drunk and angry because I had refused to see him a few days earlier and had told the porter of my apartment building not to let him in. We had been good friends, but he and his girlfriend Joan had been pressuring me to take drugs and sleep with them. I wanted to avoid them but they were very persistent.
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Mario started hitting me and dragging me through the street. There were people watching but no one dared to do anything despite the fact that I was saying that he was trying to kill me. He was dragging me to his apartment where he said he would kill me. I noticed that he had a knife in his back pocket. When we got closer to his apartment I panicked and grabbed a little girl who was playing in the street. By this time Mario started strangling me and I could feel my grip letting go of the girl. I was losing consciousness but could hear the girl screaming in the background, everything seemed so far away. There was a lot of commotion and the voice of a man telling Mario to let go. There were other hands on my neck and I could feel his hands letting go but then his teeth bit into my neck. The man was asking for a stick to put between Mario's teeth. I fainted then and when I woke up I was lying on the bed of the girl who had saved my life with her screaming. I thought I was still being strangled but realized that I had a wet cloth on my neck and that Mario wasn't there. This was the beginning of a horrible month. And in this day, the beginning of a horrible night.
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All the while, Rick and Flo's presence seemed to be getting farther away. I was no longer inside my body and was looking at them from a few inches above. My only link to them was Flo's hand on my foot. I remember Rick telling her to massage my foot. Their voices were so far away and difficult to hear because of the noise of the airplanes and the screaming of people. I knew they were trying to help me, but their voices didn't make sense. I couldn't grasp the meaning of their words. It was as though some evil inside of me was preventing them from helping me. I could sense their frustration as they repeated themselves. Rick was telling me to go along with it, to allow myself to burn, to be strangled, to die and then move on to something else. I was trying to be rational, to understand his words, but they were more than I could cope with. I was drifting farther away. From above, their eyes blinking in slow motion. I could feel myself entering their eyes and feeling what they were feeling. Their eyelashes magnified all around me. Flo's face was glowing in the sun. She seemed to symbolize peace, yet I couldn't reach her. I could see her and Rick close to each other, Rick's eyes full of love but I couldn't grasp their love and their peace. It was too frustrating seeing them there while I was suffering so much that I had to turn away from them knowing that I was turning away from the only peace there was.
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About two hours after I had taken the LSD, Rick asked me if I wanted to take Adam. I would have tried anything at this point and thought that the Adam would help me cope with the pain, so I said yes. It didn't ease the pain but it helped to open up my emotions that were bottled up inside. I no longer was in the desert or in the mental institution, or was my grandmother. I was there in Rick's room. All the screens came together into one and I started to relive my past experiences. The room was filled with different people. People from my past and who had hurt me, and the people who were trying to help me. Rick's voice became Ron's and I could feel his warmth and presence somewhere in the distance. Rick's eyes seemed to be calling out to me, but then all of a sudden he started to transform into Mario. His toes and legs were Mario's Yet I knew that it was Rick. It was horrifying seeing him as the man who had caused me so much pain. Ron's presence was drifting away and Mario's was becoming stronger. Ron represented the one part of me that Mario hadn't taken, it represented my last hope, my love, but Rick was telling me to look closely at his toes, to really see that even though they looked like Mario's they weren't. I knew that they were not Mario's, I was not afraid of the body hugging me because I knew it was Rick's. But Mario's presence was taking me back in time to the day he and Joan raped me. The only reason I could deal with it was because Rick was so strong in being Rick that even though his body was Mario's , Mario could not take over his mind and I could turn to him for support.
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I started feeling the horror of that day and started vomiting. Getting sick was more than a physical illness. I was vomiting from my soul, getting rid of pain, of an evil that had been
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destroying me. I felt then, the need to tell Rick what they had done to me, having always kept it to myself because I thought that by not speaking about it somehow eventually it would be erased from reality and all would become a horrible dream, a part of my imagination.
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I felt that it was too late to pretend that it hadn't been real and feared that Rick was going to hate me. I don't know why, maybe because I have hated my own body, it being a reminder of evilness and corruption. But Rick didn't feel disgust towards it, he didn't see it in a different way. I was trying to see it through his eyes, to understand that it was not impure, that it didn't have to be a reminder of cruelty. All these years I have hated looking at myself in the mirror because all I have seen was what was left of me when it was all over; a body full of bruises and bites with broken bones. I remember the first time I looked at myself a few days after it happened. I couldn't recognize myself. The girl that I had known was lost forever and this that was left was an empty distorted body with no soul. I was surprised when people came to see me and knew who I was. I felt nothing, not even the physical pain, and accepted the fact that Mario and Joan had taken whatever beauty I had had.
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But this day was not the same day and though I felt the anguish vividly, my body was whole with no bruises and I was in the room with only Rick. Rick was telling me that they hadn't taken everything, that I knew how to love now, how to trust. It was this small part of me that they hadn't taken, the part I was fighting for, the part Ron represented, the part Rick was trying to make me see. My body wasn't disgusting to him, even after he knew all that had happened to it, and I didn't have to blame myself for something others had done to me. I realized that my guilt and shame came from the fact that I wasn't strong enough to push them away, that I wasn't careful enough in trusting them, that I hadn't gone to the police because I felt pity for them. I have had to carry the guilt of thinking that by letting them free they could have done the same thing to someone else. Back then I really didn't care. But now I knew that I was not to blame, that if I could confront the Mario that was there in Rick's body, I could hate what he did and I would know that he hadn't taken everything.
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<br>
I felt I was getting stronger with Rick's help. Mario was grabbing me inside and wouldn't let go. I wanted to vomit so badly, feeling that if I did I could be rid of Mario, at least he would be outside and no longer be a part of me. But I needed more strength. Then Rick asked me what were the things I like in Mario. This was a shock to me and my mind went blank for a second. It was harder to remember than the pain itself. I thought of the first time I saw him playing with his dog, feeding a starving dog on the side of the street. He was kind to animals and seemed to understand them well. I remembered how he helped me free a chicken who was tangled in a wire and how he had nursed it back to life. It was when I thought about this that I started to vomit. There was so much pain in the thought that the same hands that had been so delicate helping the animals were the same ones that had almost killed me, that the Mario and Joan who had walked into my apartment with all intentions of violence were the same people I had loved because of their tenderness. Vomiting was the most painful horror. I felt their hands gripping me inside, destroying me, but I didn't care if I died because I knew that by throwing them up they would no longer possess me and I would at least die without them inside me. I think that I was able to vomit because I was denying nothing, not even the fact that I had loved them.
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<br>
Later I felt that I had gotten rid of so much but I still felt a nausea, there was still a burning lump in my stomach. But no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get it out. It seemed to be the only part of them that remained. Maybe it will always be there and I will have to learn how to live with it. But they don't have to dominate my life.
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<br>
My physical discomfort interfered with the peaceful moments that were also part of this experience. They seemed trivial compared to the pain, but now I hold them close to me and they help me cope.
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<br>
Rick was holding two sticks of incense, he gave me one and we both were moving them to the rhythm of the music. The music was peaceful and the patterns and colors of the incense were beautiful. I wanted to remember them so that I could later paint a picture of them. My attempts at doing this have failed. Every time the sticks touched I felt that it meant trust and there was a bond between us that was wonderful. Then I was giving Rick a foot massage and it felt so good to give him comfort that it gave me comfort too and was helping me cope with my discomfort. Rick suggested a warm bath because I felt so cold and my skin ached. The warm water was soothing and I was able to rest a while.
<br>
<br>
At around 5:00 a.m. , without realizing it, I started to chant a Buddhist prayer and felt the devotion and faith of Mitsuyo, a Buddhist friend, who had introduced me to Buddhism. I had always admired her faith and spirituality and how I felt I was with her and couldn't feel the faith that she had spoken about for so long. This too was a beautiful moment.
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<br>
I then felt that it was so painful to love, that knowing that I could still love was what had caused most of my suffering. But the emptiness and pain of not loving was so much greater, without love there is so much beauty that we can never experience. I felt that I had to hold on to the love instead of fighting it and that I had to try deal with the pain that it caused me because it is better then emptiness.
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At around 8:00 a.m. I was exhausted and drained. I was getting used to the lump in my throat and the awful headache. It was no longer driving me crazy. I didn't feel very much, I was too tired to even move.
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<br>
Days later, when Rick asked me how I felt, I told him that I felt empty as though my veins had been drained of their blood and as though my soul had been taken away. I thought that maybe it was my mind trying to tell me to give it a break but Rick said something that I couldn't forget. He told me that maybe I was empty because I had let all that pain out and now it was up to me to fill the emptiness.
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It seems hard to do, but maybe there is a chance that I can fill that emptiness with new life. It scares me and I feel very lonely. But this experience has made me realize that death is not necessarily the right answer, or the most peaceful alternative and by realizing this it has given me the courage to at least try to find meaning and reason.
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<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1984</td><td width="90">ExpID: 9813</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 4, 2001</td><td>Views: 44,619</td></tr>
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<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), MDMA (3) : Guides / Sitters (39), Health Benefits (32), Retrospective / Summary (11), Combinations (3), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
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<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">600 ug</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
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From the MAPS Bulletin - Volume 9 Number 2 Summer 1999 - pp. 11-14
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<br>
Successful Outcome of a Single LSD Treatment in a Chronically Dysfunctional Man
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<br>
Gary Fisher, Ph.D.
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Editor's Note: MAPS publishes accounts like the one below because they are reminders of the sometimes surprising powerful effects that psychedelics can have. This account is by the same therapist who worked with psilocybin and LSD in the treatment of schizophrenic children in the early 60s (see MAPS Bulletin 7(3) 1997). Gary Fisher shares here the story of a man's single session with LSD. Fisher's account reminds us that the sitter, the preparation and the setting for a healing session with a psychedelic are integral parts of the drug's therapeutic effect.
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In the 1960s I was conducting an LSD research project at a West Coast medical center on the use of LSD for intractable pain in terminally ill cancer patients.[1] During this project the head of the Department of Psychiatry asked me if I thought it possible to 'work in' an LSD treatment for the son of a CEO of a major corporation in the city. The message I got was to be cooperative. I met with the father and he told me that his son had had extensive and prolonged psychiatric treatment. He had been hospitalized at two of the country's most prestigious private psychiatric institutions but after eleven years of hospitalization and intensive psychoanalytic work no changes had occurred.
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For the following four years he saw a number of psychiatrists, tried every psychiatric drug available and even had a series of electro-shock treatments. The only procedure that he had not endured was psycho-surgery and the father was most reluctant to think about that alternative. The son was twenty-nine years old at the time, and had been in the psychiatric world for over fifteen years. He had never finished high school, never had a job and never had any friends. He had numerous diagnoses from a host of diagnosticians ranging from chronic schizophrenia to severe narcissistic character disorder. He never improved from any treatments, currently was not in treatment, and had run out of options. Although he had had numerous medications currently he was not being medicated because they made him feel worse.
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There was never any history of illegal drug usage. He spent his day in a darkened room constantly accompanied by a male psychiatric nurse. His activities were restricted to listening to the radio, watching TV, some reading, playing cards, and eating. The father requested that I see him at their home as the son refused to leave the house.
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When I saw David he was almost friendly but a little aloof and formal. He had obviously read extensively in the psychiatric literature, and named off multiple symptoms from which he was suffering. His presenting symptoms included being phobic about most things in the world, being in a constant state of anxiety and fear, unable to sleep (having night terrors if he slept) and experiencing a constant range of distressing bodily sensations and recurring feelings of loss of reality.
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On interview, although he was loquacious, his affect was shallow and his self-descriptions were rehearsed - he was an old hand at being interviewed by psychotherapists. He was pleased at having attention again as after his two prolonged hospitalizations he had been secluded for two to three years in his room with his attendant, not even venturing to other parts of the house or yard. He did not evidence signs of acute psychosis. He elaborated in great detail about all the prestigious people and institutions where he had been treated, always ending with a sad and heavy resignation that they hadn't been able to help him. He had no memory deficit and could describe in detail the variety of professional people that he had encountered. After about two hours he queried me as to my credentials - my academic vita, experience, training and professional affiliations.
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He obviously didn't want to be treated by a nobody, only collecting trophies of victory worthy of him. Evidently I met his standards as he said he would cooperate with the LSD treatment. After my meeting with him I assessed him as 'the most untreatable psychiatric patient in the world.' His father was an enormously successful, famous and powerful person, but David was, too. He would go down in history as the man who defied the psychiatric world to treat him. This was his claim to fame. The contest read David vs. LSD and, I wondered, who would win this one?
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Preparation
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My attempts at conducting our standard pre-session preparation were to no avail as he showed no interest in hearing about how this work was done. The session room was set up with the standard regime of music, flowers, artwork, artifacts from nature and tasty food morsels. Two other experienced sitters attended the session. The session was conducted in private quarters in a closed psychiatric ward of a large urban hospital.
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<br>
The format of the session was that developed by Hubbard [2] and the Saskatchewan group [3] with the key concepts of 'set and setting,' the focus of the endeavor being that the individual experience a transcendental state of consciousness. Sherwood, Stolaroff and Harmon precisely describe this process:
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The concept underlying this approach is that an individual can have a single experience which is so profound and impressive that his life experiences in the months and years that follow become a continuing growth process...
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There appears to emerge a universal central perception, apparently independent of subjects' previous philosophical or theological inclinations, which plays a dominant role in the healing process. This central perception, apparently of all who penetrate deeply in their explorations, is that behind the apparent multiplicity of things in the world of science and common sense there is a single reality, in speaking of which it seems appropriate to use such words as infinite and eternal. All beings are seen to be united in this Being...
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Much of the 'psychotherapeutic' changes are seen to occur as a process of the following kind of experience:
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The individual's conviction that he is, in essence, an imperishable self rather than a destructible ego, brings about the most profound reorientation at the deeper levels of personality. He perceives illimitable worth in this essential self, and it becomes easier to accept the previously known self as an imperfect reflection of this. The many conflicts which are rooted in lack of self-acceptance are cut off at the source, and the associated neurotic behavior patterns die away. (p. 77)[4]
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The session begins
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Since he was so resistant to change, I felt he needed full dosage: 600 micrograms of LSD.5 I suggested he lie down, relax, close his eyes and go with the music. He declined this offer saying that he preferred to sit up but after a few moments, observing that the sitters were going to close their eyes and listen to the music and not engage him in small talk, out of boredom he picked up one of the art books and began casually leafing through it. I had told him the session would last many hours, at least eight and possibly up to twelve, so he knew he had a lot of time to kill.
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<br>
After about thirty minutes he began to look stressed. He was obviously feeling the effects of the drug and I asked him what he was beginning to experience, explaining that it would be helpful to communicate the changes he was experiencing so that I could give him some hints about how to use these changes. He pulled himself together and quickly said 'Nothing's happening.' And that was that. So it went. He squirmed, trembled, sweated profusely, his eyes bugged out, he turned blotchy red, hyperventilated and looked like he was going to explode.
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<br>
To any of my gentle queries he responded with a firm 'Nothing's happening.' Finally he said, 'Since nothing's happening I think I will just lie down for a while and listen to the music.' The other two sitters and I simultaneously chorused, 'Good idea.' He lay on the couch; clenching his jaw and his fists, he would shake, perspire, groan, moan, make feeble guttural noises and then jolt back into the present time, look over at me and in a weak, feeble voice, say 'Nothing's happening.'
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This was turning out to be one of the most heart wrenching LSD sessions I had ever sat through. We knew there was nothing we could do but wait for him. We waited ten hours and his position never shifted. For the complete time, he never appeared to have any respite from this intense agony. He was totally exhausted and looked absolutely devastated. After ten hours, all he could muster was, 'I guess this drug doesn't work with some people' and all I could manage was, 'Well, we don't know a lot about this treatment yet. We all have a lot to learn.' Both sitters and I agreed we had seldom experienced such an exhausting session. He stayed in the hospital overnight with his private attendant.
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'Nothing happened'
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<br>
I met with him the next morning and he appeared overwhelmed with fatigue, still maintaining that he had no reaction whatsoever to the drug. During this follow- up meeting, I casually mentioned that because of all the different medications he had taken over the years, perhaps he had become drug tolerant and needed a second session with a much higher dosage. At this news he went stark white and was totally speechless.
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<br>
I then said that this one treatment was a special circumstance set up just for him and that we were not able to do further work with him in this hospital. That information got him breathing again and he looked as though he had just received reprieve from a death sentence. I mentioned that a colleague of mine had a private hospital in Holland where he used LSD and other psychedelic compounds in a series of treatments over a number of months. I suggested that he consider this if I was able to make such arrangements with this psychiatrist.
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<br>
Visibly shaken by this proposal he finally muttered that his father would probably not consider financially supporting such a costly undertaking, especially since he had absolutely no response to his first treatment. I left it at that, indicating I would contact my Dutch friend [Dr. G.W. Arendsen-Hein] to see if he could accommodate him if his father was amenable to the expense. My Dutch colleague agreed to treat this man at his residential hospital near Ederveen, Holland with the stipulation that I accompany him and participate in the first three sessions. I agreed and next contacted David's father who agreed to finance the venture.<a href="#note1">Note 1</a>
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<br>
I called David and told him that I had been successful in arranging this treatment program for him. He said he could not fly alone, that I would have to accompany him. I explained that had already been arranged and I would stay in Holland for his first three sessions. After a very long silence David agreed but said he could not go until he had attended to a number of personal matters. I asked him to let me know when he thought he would be ready to leave. That telephone conversation was the last contact I ever had with him.
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In about three days I called his house and his mother answered. David was out and she was most anxious to talk to me. She said he had gone out by himself the day after my conversation with him - this was the first time he had gone out in several years. He had told her that when I called to tell me that he would call me when he was prepared to set a date to leave, as he was busy attending to personal matters. He did not inform her as to the nature of these personal matters but she was so ecstatic that he was going out of the house that she didn't want to 'push it.'
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<br>
I called in about a week, also not wanting to push it. She answered again and reported that he was gone a good part of every day but when he was home he told her that if I called to tell me that he was resting but that he would call me back. He was always either out or resting when I called.
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David moves out
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<br>
After a couple of months of this he moved out of his parents' home to his own apartment and started to do volunteer work in a library. His mother contacted me, updating me on his new life and his father called me on two occasions, saying that one LSD treatment had produced more results than the previous fifteen years of psychotherapy. To his parents, LSD was a miracle drug.
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After about a year I stopped contact with David's mother. At that time he had a part-time job, still did volunteer work at the library and she was sure that he had a girlfriend but he wasn't very communicative about his activities. He made contact with them on his terms and limited to the times he set. They didn't push him. My understanding of some of this was pretty simple. He couldn't tolerate another LSD session; whatever he went through he knew he couldn't do that again. He also couldn't lose face and he was fortunate in having parents who were so grateful for the changes that had occurred that they didn't require explanations from him about what had happened.
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<br>
Since David chose not to divulge his experiences, one can only hypothesize what occurred. Clearly he had been in great turmoil and severe anguish throughout his session. Observationally he had what is popularly referred to as 'a bad trip.' A bad trip is when an individual uses all his energies into combating the pending loss of ego control. The ego, in fighting to stay identified with what is 'known,' creates a living hell - everything turns to negations, everything is experienced as threatening and dangerous. All of the rejected aspects of the self are projected onto the external world and one experiences 'reality' as demonic - such is the stuff of psychosis.<a href="#note2">Note 2</a>
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<br>
David undoubtedly had endless duels with his devils. The central and challenging question remains: 'Why did David decide to change his life, to give up his 'uniqueness' in the world and join the human condition with the rest of us?' His circumstances allowed him to remain at home living his life as he had lived it - being uniquely 'untreatable' and that LSD therapy would be just another unsuccessful attempt to change him.
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<br>
I posit that he saw what a horrific price he was paying to maintain this ego position; he saw his 'victory' as empty; that his special place in the world was a meaningless one. That he took on the task of going out into the world he had left as an early teenager is quite astounding; that he did it on his own, even more astounding. It was a testament to the strength of his ego.
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<br>
Part of his unwillingness to share with me the results of his treatment session could have been that he identified me as a father. I was a powerful person who had powerful 'medicine' and powerful connections. He wasn't quite ready to embrace as an ally this kind of potency - he was more willing to take on the world at his pace and on his own terms. I suspect that he knew that I knew something about this world of altered consciousness, that I was dedicated to help him explore it, and this was a mystery to him but he was not ready to take on this task. He decided he would rather become an 'ordinary' person.
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<br>
From the first day I met David I never treated him as a 'patient,' I never engaged him at the level that he had always functioned - therapist and patient. I treated him as though he were a perfectly rational and sane person. I never talked 'therapy talk' with him, never interpreted any of his behavior, never psychoanalyzed him. I was always respectful of him, never played the role of the doctor, and although I listened to whatever he said I never responded or engaged in any conversation related to his psychopathology. I was very quiet with him and any comments I did make were extremely benign.
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Although almost nothing is known of this man's experiences with the non-ordinary realities induced by the drug, what we do know is that profound changes occurred in his behavior following these experiences; be became a functional human being after fifteen years of extreme dysfunctional behavior - this was a remarkable phenomenon.
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<br>
Addendum
<br>
<br>
The purpose in reporting this case study has been to give testimony to the fact that psychedelics are powerful tools for an individual to use in accessing those forces in his psyche which determine the course of his life. In the revelations that occur in these states of expanded consciousness, one has the opportunity to explore and understand what is needed to be known in order to acknowledge the essential worth of the self and to discover the humanistic-spiritual existential 'laws.'
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These processes are the same for everyone, regardless of one's status in life's many hierarchies. One's station or condition in life is not at issue - only at issue is the proper use of these materials administered in a safe and protected environment by sitters who have travelled the path of self-discovery themselves and know that each person can, with the help of enlightened guidance, achieve profound depth of understanding. <hr> <b>Notes</b>
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<br>
<a name="note1">Note 1</a> An interesting aside that baffled both David and his father was that I never charged for any of my services. I felt that this fact was an additional phenomenon that helped penetrate David's view of the psychiatric world wherein therapists' only interest in him was for his monetary value. He never raised the issue, nor did I.
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<a name="note2">Note 2</a> Common experience among seasoned psychedelic voyagers in that the nitty-gritty psychodynamic work is accomplished during so-called 'bad trips': that is, where the condition of one's humanity is illuminated. Having pleasant aesthetic and sensory experiences is important for people who never experience such phenomena, but for the usual person, a pleasant ego time doesn't touch the hidden internal conflicts which cause the difficulties in life.
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<hr><br>
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<b>References</b> <br>
<br>
<ol>
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<li>Fisher, G. Psychotherapy for the dying: principles and illustrations with special reference to the utilization of LSD. Omega, 1970, 1, 3-16</li> <li>MacLean, J.R., MacDonald, P.C., Byrne, V.P. and Hubbard, A.M. The use of LSD-25 in the Treatment of Alcoholism and other Psychiatric Problems. Quart. J. of Studies of Alcoholism, 1961, 22, 34-45.</li>
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<li>Blewett, D.B. and Chwelos, N. Handbook for the Therapeutic Use of LSD-25: Individual and Group Procedures. Unpublished Manuscript; Regina, Saskatchewan, 1959.</li>
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<li>Sherwood, J.N., Stolaroff, M.J. and Harmon, W.W. The Psychedelic Experience - A New Concept in Psychotherapy. Journal of Neuropsychiatry, 1962, 4, 69-80.</li>
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<li>Fisher, G. Some comments concerning dosage levels of psychedelic compounds for psychotherapeutic experiences. The Psychedelic Review, 1963, 1, 208-218.</li>
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1960</td><td width="90">ExpID: 9890</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 10, 2001</td><td>Views: 61,317</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=9890&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=9890&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Guides / Sitters (39), Retrospective / Summary (11), First Times (2)</td></tr>
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<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">300 ug</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">180 lb</td>
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About a year ago, at the age of 31, I had the beginnings of a spontaneous kundalini awakening that has been facilitated in part by psychedelics. I was not aware of kundalini as a general phenomenon, but I had been practicing sexual abstinence and having a lot of very intense, life-changing spiritual realizations for about a month, when I then imbibed about 100 mics of very clean LSD on New Year's Eve, 2000-to-2001. This trip greatly intensified my spiritual awakening, with quite positive effects. I quit drinking completely that night (after about 20 years of heavy alcohol use), started exercising like mad, and lost about 50 pounds over the course of the next four months. I withheld all orgasms for weeks at a time (even while engaging in sexual activity), and worked on driving the energy up my spine.
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At the same time, my life became immediately imbued with amazing synchronicities, and I discovered yoga and kundalini. I was reading huge quantities of books about Eastern mysticism, psychedelics, Stan Grof's stuff, and so on. Finally it all made sense!! I had entered into what seemed like a permanent state of inebriation, to the point where marijuana literally became impotent, and so I gave it up as well. I dramatically improved the quality of my diet, eating almost nothing but organic fruit, vegetables and soy products in quite small quantities, and began to really taste food for what seemed like the first time in my life.
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At the same time though, I seemed to be struggling with my own self-identity and purpose in life. At the peak I seemed to have delusions of grandeur about myself, considering myself a messenger from God, and sometimes acting like an ass as a result. I was sleeping only 2 to 4 hours a night, and driving my wife nuts with manic behavior of all sorts. I never got depressed though, just plain manic! Life seemed magical and yet I was aware that I was bordering on what might have been described as mental illness, at least from the perspective of an outsider. My family was worried about me and the dramatic changes in my personality, although when they talked to me in person and saw the physical improvements, they were greatly reassured. I enjoyed the experience, but at the same time several knowledgeable people told me that I needed to balance myself, and that it might not be a bad idea to back off a bit. So somewhat reluctantly, I did. I eased up on the yoga, ate a little more tamasic food, engaged in more frequent sexual releases, and generally slept more.
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Over the course of the next year I did indeed achieve balance, and found myself much more serene, humble and generally normal-feeling, for better or worse. At the same time, I lost much of the magical quality, the amazing synchronicities, the natural intoxication, and the feeling of being imbued with spirituality and God-ness. Also, I was aware that my awakening had been incomplete. I had been studying kundalini awakenings of all descriptions, and I had not yet experienced the full-blown psychic and physical manifestations.
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After some time, I enhanced my yogic practices once again. I had been purifying my body through fasting, exercise and sexual abstinence for two weeks. I then took about 300 mics of the same very clean LSD, and after about an hour, my hips began quivering uncontrollably at a certain frequency, which I have experienced before while on tryptamines and which I had surmised was kundalini energy. During an extended sexual encounter with my wife, I experienced one of the most intense orgasms of my life, and at the end of it, very powerful shudders and waves of energy began to pass through my body, starting at the root chakra and passing up through the spine. It was very much like being at the end of the tail of a big electric rattlesnake, and being whipped about uncontrollably, but not uncomfortably so.
<br>
<br>
I was subsequently filled with an unimaginable degree of ecstasy and very profound insights, many of which revolved around sensing the presence of a female Goddess archetype in my wife. I sensed a truly frightening degree of power coming from this Goddess, but I also felt protected and loved, and damned lucky to be so! During continued sexual activity, at the minutes just prior to orgasm, I became aware that there was a fluid being secreted from the upper, forward part of my throat/nasal cavity, roughly at the height of the nose (amrita). It seemed closely related to the extended sublimation of semen, which I had been practicing for some time.
<br>
<br>
The remainder of the evening was filled with hilariously amazing synchronicities and realizations of startling intensity. In the aftermath, I felt wise and content; not delusional and manic.
<br>
<br>
I have discovered that, for me, the awakening is something that takes place over a long period of time. In fact, it really started when I was an adolescent, and then returned after nearly twenty years of semi-dormancy. It comes and goes, in fits and starts, with what seems like an intelligence of its own. I can't really force it; it isn't the automatic result of the yogic practices, but it does seem to coincide with them somewhat. The occasional use of LSD has been quite helpful no doubt, but essentially I get out of tripping only as much as I put into it beforehand. The greatest change generally comes after I have been purifying my body and exercising for an extended period of time. I try to adopt an attitude of gratitude prior to the trip, and I usually make an offering of some sort by helping out the local homeless folks with generous gifts of food and cash. Also, the experience of orgasm while tripping, especially after a period of abstinence, is extremely intense and transformative.
<br>
<br>
I feel unspeakably fortunate to be blessed with such a vast amount of sheer ecstasy, and at such a spiritual level. It never fails to leave me completely awed and deeply infused with gratitude!
<br>
Thank you GOD!!!<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 10774</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Nov 24, 2001</td><td>Views: 48,140</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=10774&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=10774&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Yoga / Bodywork (202) : Sex Discussion (14), Retrospective / Summary (11), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">16 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/2ci/">2C-I</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">70 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I've taken 2C-I about 10 times. I find it to be one of the most positive, yet most gentle, psychedelics out there. Extremely intense visuals without ever being overwhelming. I've followed a progression from a safe, home environment to outdoors, at art festivals, to having this substance in a club setting, surrounded by sweaty people in crowds, and the worst side effect I've ever had was getting very hungry. I've even started to experiment-- taking MDMA towards the aftereffects.
<br>
<br>
2C-I is so slow and gentle, I've had people at T+2 hours insisting that it isn't working, but they're giggling at the trash on the sidewalk. Seriously: don't drive. I initially thought that the 2C-I experience lasted about 4-6 hours, though I'm thinking now that it's more along the lines of 8-10-- incredibly slow and gentle in the come-on and the come-down.
<br>
<br>
This particular evening, I'd planned to go to an outdoor arts festival, with music, costume, lights... I was covered in fur and expecting an excellent time, and I thought that 2C-I was a perfect experience for the evening.
<br>
<br>
About 1730, I dropped a gelcap with ~16-18 mg of 2C-I powder in it. At about 1845, I was just on the edge of feeling warm, loved, extra-sensitive to its effects-- and all the art (incredibly cool while sober) was just getting nicer and cooler. As stated earlier, I think this is a tough material to judge 'where you're at', but I'd say I was at a nice, pleasant, +1/+1.5.
<br>
<br>
A friend showed up, who had recently failed to procure a quantity of LSD. Unknown to me, however, he had managed to get a small quantity, and a small square of paper was placed right on my tongue. My judgement was a bit impaired, and it was a Sunday night (I have a day job...), but I figured: you only live once, so let's do it right. Onwards and upwards.
<br>
<br>
Now some folks have a bit of stomach cramps with 2C-I, some folks get a bit queasy. I have none of that. Within 30 minutes I was feeling about a +2.5, and everything had just gone completely amazing. Certainly a part of this was set and setting (art, great people, etc.), but my entire world just went completely positive. I'd put it at a +3 or +3.5 within an hour. I stayed there for at least two hours, and quite possibly longer (it being impossible to keep track of time at this point), talking to people, dancing, and mostly wandering through the crowd, finding incredible friends, new and old to talk to.
<br>
<br>
There were photos that pretended as if they were blacklight photos, but they weren't. There was an incredible sense-- somewhat like the first time I did MDMA, when hugging friends-- of some sort of spiral energy signature going through both bodies. There was a Gigeresque alien playing with puddles of light on the ground. Fortunately, photos proved that this was a man in costume later. I remember thinking 'well, I'm on drugs, and it looks pretty cool, so I'm just going to accept it'.
<br>
<br>
Important to note: I'd had about 8 hours' sleep in 3 days. I'd been out clubbing with an inordinate amount of mdma 2 nights before, and had had a small abount of 5-MEO-dipt the night before that. I hadn't expected to feel as marvelous as I did.
<br>
<br>
I've had a pretty wide range of experience with psychedelics: 5-meo-dmt, 5-meo-dipt, 2ci, mdma, mbdb, lsd, psylocybin, thc and cannabis, etc. This is, quite possibly, the highest I've ever been. Caveat: I've been a lot higher before, however, at any of those points, I started to become less and less functional -- floppy and tired yet wired (foxy, E), or plain wandering in other universes (5-meo-dmt).
<br>
<br>
At about T+8 hours, we packed up our art installation, got someone who hadn't been indulging to drive us home, and chilled and chatted for ~ 3 hours. At T+11 hours (from the 2CI), my girlfriend and I went to bed, and were still chatty-- we were both quite enjoying a warm body glow, positive experience, a little bit overwhelmed, a little tired, a little --very little-- cracked out. I really think that if we hadn't both had a 7AM alarm impending, we wouldn't have had a bad time at all.
<br>
<br>
All in all, I'd have to say that this is a combo that I am willing to try, again.
<br>
<br>
and again.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 10046</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Dec 1, 2001</td><td>Views: 29,931</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=10046&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=10046&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), 2C-I (172) : Festival / Lg. Crowd (24), Nature / Outdoors (23), Glowing Experiences (4), Combinations (3)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">155 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I am presently aged 45, and took LSD at aged 16, during 1972. I can honestly say that the trip experience was so profound and real, that it has affected me ever since.
<br>
<br>
My parents were on holiday, and I tripped at home, with a work colleague, who was not a good friend, just somebody I knew. I thought LSD was going to be all flowers and pretty lights, etc., and was looking forward to the experience. We bought the black microdot tabs from a dealer that he knew, who warned us that the tabs were strong, and to make sure we were somewhere safe. On the way home on a bus, we dropped the tabs. We got home OK, and decided to go to a local shop. The time was around 5-6pm. After about half an hour, we started to feel a bit light headed, and giggly. We returned home, and sat in the front room, and put on some Deep Purple on the hi fi. I can remember moving my hands, and seeing the fingertips trailing behind, and the seeing the walls swaying. Also, sounds coming out of the hi fi speakers were in colour. Then, bang. I lost an hour or two here, my colleague said that I just wandered round and round in circles, in a trance state. I can vaguely remember seeing my mind on different planes and levels, shooting out into infinity.
<br>
<br>
I then came round, and noticed the guy with me staring at me in an all-knowing way. He had tripped before, and I began to get the AWFUL feeling that he had tricked me into taking the tab. As the time went on, I began to get paranoid, and started to realize that this trip was going to last for eternity, and, in fact, my whole life previous to this, was also part of the trip. I saw my parents sitting on the sofa laughing at me, “you've been conned again” on their faces. I looked at the guy with me, yes, I now realized I knew him, I'd always known him, for eternity, I was in a death trip now, I was sucked into a spiral, everything I looked at, I knew what was coming, DEJA VU on a massive scale. Fear is not a good description of the horror of this experience.
<br>
<br>
Several times in the trip, I became 'aware' and tried to tell myself, this is stupid, you are you, I repeated my name over and over. At one stage, I decided to go for a walk. It was dark, about 11pm. We caught a bus, God knows how. Walked round a town centre. It was raining. The rain hit my face and felt like acid burning holes. I looked at the guy with me, yes, his name, everything, he was the bastard that always tricks me into taking LSD, and I fall for it every time, for infinity -whoosh - away again down the deja vu spiral, horrendous sickening fear. At one stage in town, I looked at an EXIT sign. Yes, ex it, this is it, it is the trip, whoosh - away again. Managed to get home safely by walking home. We had left the front door unlocked, but got lucky. I then spent the next 2-3 hours battling with my sanity, as time and time again I suffered the realization, and gut-wrenching fear, that I had done this millions of times before, and could never escape it. I eventually came down at about 4 am, staring at a gas fire, in a state of shock.
<br>
<br>
The following days I wandered round in a daze, trying to come to terms with what had happened to me. I only took LSD one more time after that, a half a tab. To convince myself it was OK. It wasn’t. I went to rock concert at a stadium, it was dark, I saw the EXIT signs, I was back on the same trip, panicked, left early, and went home, lay in bed in a state of fear.
<br>
<br>
The following year, I smoked some weed, became paranoid, and suddenly flash backed, I was still on the trip. I ran panicking, it’s all I can do for a few seconds, then the feeling goes. I tried sniffing solvent, bang, whilst high, I got the same feeling, still on the trip, panicked and ran again. People look at me strange, I’m not surprised. The years went on. I married and had children, got a good job. Whilst at work, I had to go into a dark hall, with an illuminated exit sign, bang, - you’ve guessed it, I flash backed again, deja vu, the people with me are all part of the conspiracy. And it goes on. I’ve had about 7 or 8 flashbacks, some being as far as 8 years apart. The last one was last week. I was in a panicky situation involving my job, involving danger. I was dealing with something, when I had the realisation, deja vu feeling again, OH NO, is what I say. Christ, it’s a nightmare.
<br>
<br>
So, during my life, Ive tried TM, Buddhism, Martial arts, various other spiritual paths, I’m lost, I’m searching for sanity, I honestly don’t know, 29 years later, what is reality. When I die, I hope it’s blackness and peace, and not part of a neverending trip, and I’ve got to suffer the experience again.
<br>
<br>
My advice to anybody reading this who hasn’t tripped yet, DON’T.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1972</td><td width="90">ExpID: 8336</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Nov 24, 2001</td><td>Views: 80,485</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=8336&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=8336&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : HPPD / Lasting Visuals (40), Post Trip Problems (8), Bad Trips (6), First Times (2), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">200 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
My first LSD trip was actually kind of an accident. The guy I usually buy shit from had been talking about some shit he had, hash and opium, but by the time I got around to hooking up with him he was out of hash and the opium was 'bottom of the barrel,' if you will. I ended up buying four hits of acid, each dropped on some sort of gummy candy.
<br>
<br>
The night I got them I popped one in my mouth, around 9:00 PM. I have tried morning glory seeds before, to no great hallucinogenic effect (in LARGE quantities), so when I wasn't feeling much more than slight dizziness after about a half hour, I dropped another.
<br>
<br>
I was lying on my bed, blacklight on accompanying numerous blacklight-sensitive gadgets. Jimi Hendrix's Woodstock '69 recording was playing, a sound-sensitive light toy on top. I first noticed a significant increase in energy. Soon I found myself smiling broadly, immersed in the music. I began to notice the walls rippling slightly. This proceeded for an indefinite amount of time (LSD was not good for my time perception). Eventually, I left to go get an issue of HighTimes from the other room. I took it to the bathroom, where the lighting was better (my room has no normal white lights). For the next hour or two I scanned the magazine, not moving forward or backward in the pages, just around. I didn't really read (I remember trying and not being capable of mustering the concentration to comprehend each individual word). I smiled broadly and laughed. I was in a state of complete bliss, every color swirling and melting, every word evading my gaze. I would try to scan every picture and segment of text on a page without being evaded by any, and felt quite proud of myself when (I believed that) I did.
<br>
<br>
I eventually got up and left. Everything was shifting and melting. The patterns on the carpet, the blankets on the bed and the patterns on the pillow, even the dog's bed in the corner. I peeked out the window over the water and was surprised to notice that it looked oddly normal. I left the room and went to the computer. The background at the time was a landscape with mountains in the distance and a sun in the sky that had been re-textured in a sort of tie-dye. The colors bled and swirled. I switched, with some effort, to a chat window I had left open and attempted briefly to decode what was being said. I soon left out of boredom.
<br>
<br>
This is when my trip took a bad turn, around 12:30. My dad was still awake, watching the olympics (in Sydney, where it was just morning). I realized that I wouldn't be able to talk to him or explain why I was awake in my state, so I turned off the blacklight (the only light) and the stereo. I became very tense and remained so until around 4:00 when I fell asleep. I couldn't keep from clenching my fists and grinding my teeth, often biting my cheeks as hard as I could to prevent the feeling of teeth scraping against teeth. I wandered the hallway after my Dad went to bed. Everything was still melting, only now the colors weren't emphasized as they had been; hard lines solidified and the colors around them turned dull. I attempted to listen to music to mellow me out, but everything I tried to listen to sounded harsh and grating, from reggae to Jimi Hendrix's blues to hardcore to comedy. By 2:00 or so I just wanted it to be over. I kept checking the time, as if searching for some anchor to reality. I found myself become more and more paranoid that I had somehow permanently damaged myself, and often repeated my name, birth date, etc., to myself to prove to myself that my mind hadn't been destroyed. Finally, I fell asleep around 4:00.
<br>
<br>
I woke up around 7:30, when I needed to leave for school, to my parents shouting at me for being so reluctant to get out of bed. I quickly put on deodorant, brushed my teeth, and dressed, leaving with an english muffin in hand that I didn't feel like eating. For the first half of the day I remained paranoid, my senses and mind somewhat dulled. I felt like I had a fever, experiencing slight delirium and cold/hot sweats. School was hell, but I was afraid to tell anyone because I thought they would find out that I had taken LSD.
<br>
<br>
By the afternoon most of the symptoms had passed. Although the latter portion of the trip wasn't extremely pleasant, and it fucked up the next day, I would still try acid again simply for the bliss I felt during the beginning (although next time I may only drop one hit). I have gotten some advice on ways to lessen the comedown, most of which involve knocking yourself out so you can sleep through it all. Overall, I would grade this an expanding experience, if not thoroughly positive.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2000</td><td width="90">ExpID: 3045</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Dec 6, 2001</td><td>Views: 33,974</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=3045&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=3045&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : First Times (2), General (1), Alone (16)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td><a href="/experiences/exp.cgi?A=ShowAuthor&amp;ID=55"><img src="/experiences/images/authors/author_logo_default_grn.gif" alt="author logo" align="right" border="0"></a>
</td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">650 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/dxm/">DXM</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">155 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
On the Saturday night before Easter 2001 I finally tried this combo. Around 11:00 PM I measured out 650 mg of Dex on a Deering 10g scale and dosed it in open gel caps. This dose is a low 3rd plateau for me as I weigh 155 lbs. The highest dose of DXM I have taken is ~780 mg. I then went outside to sit in the cool night air. My brother had gone to bed and I was alone. After an hour, I felt the Dex coming on so I popped 2 sweet tarts with a drop of acid on each. I let the tarts dissolve in my mouth. Soon I felt somewhat nauseated but I never puked. I thought this was strange because I usually throw up on Dex. As I began to feel the trip accelerate I popped my hypnotism tape into the walkman. I had been listening to this tape for 2 months, every night at bed time. On the tape, the hypnotist guides me through progressive relaxation, then into a state of hypnosis, then through guided imagery, then gives suggestions, and then guides me out again. I have become somewhat sensitive to the hypnotic state by listening to the tape so much.
<br>
<br>
On the tape the hypnotist tells you to feel yourself going down. This particular time, I went WAAAAAAAAY down. I felt myself falling through different dex dimensions. Finally I reached a point where all there was was me as a disembodied mind and my environment as a set that my mind existed in (like a set in a play where one can go behind the set as well as in front of the set). But I got the idea that really all there was was just me. I felt like the set was an extension of myself. I kept switching back and forth from being the set and being an individual on the set. The set was a strange version of my neighborhood or the view I had from my back porch. Occasionally I would hear and see things from 'the sober world,' but they quickly became incorporated into the strange dex world as I would swtich back into that dimension. I have done Dex 3 other times before that night and have noticed that Dex is very similar to Salvia. Both produce worlds that have the same 'feel' to them. Both dimensions seem like an extension of myself or I am an extension of them. Both feel like a lucid dream and I find myself using 'dream logic' while tripping on these drugs. I also kept getting this deja vu effect like in lucid dreams.
<br>
<br>
Every Dex trip has incorporated elements and experiences from the previous trips. Curiously, during the trip before this one I met some Dex entities that said 'Welcome back!' Anyway, this deja vu effect started to manifest in other ways. I kept hearing this police helicopter fly over my house. Then I would hear a train whistle. Then water in the gutter of a house across from mine would rush down the drain pipe with a loud splashing noise. This pattern happened over and over and over again and I kept thinking 'did that just happen?' Soon my wondering if the pattern just happened again became part of the pattern. This happened after the hypnotism tape was done and I was too fucked up to put on any music. As a result, I had no guiding ground for the trip and the manic acid-driven need to figure things out kicked in. I convinced myself that I had become caught in a mind loop that consisted of a dirty dark dingy depressing version of my neighborhood. In other words, I was in hell. The continual pattern of sounds were driving me mad and I was becoming very freaked out. I have tripped alone quite a bit in the past and talked myself out of bad trips before. These prior experiences probably saved me. I made myself gain more awareness and forced myself to teeter inside and up into my room. But the acid theme was still strong and I still kept hearing the same helicopter thunder over my house and the same train whistle mournfully follow. I fell into the classic panic that I had finally tripped one too many times and was now stuck in some dimension.
<br>
<br>
Finally I looked at my clock and saw that time kept moving forward. This meant that I wasn't in a time loop after all. I also put on some music and realized that this too was progressing and not looping. I spent the rest of the morning enjoying music and getting wrapped up in manic post-acid-peak philosophical speculation. I eventually fell asleep around 10 am.
<br>
This combo was not very fun and I have since decided that I am not going to do dex again and probably won't do acid for a very long time. Both drugs seem redundant now and the deja vu effect makes the dex world smaller each time I do it. It is ultimately becoming boring.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 7486</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Dec 6, 2001</td><td>Views: 55,107</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=7486&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=7486&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">DXM (22), LSD (2) : Difficult Experiences (5), Combinations (3), Alone (16)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
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<tr><td><a href="http://www.erowid.org/experiences/exp.cgi?A=ShowAuthor&amp;ID=74" target="new"><img src="/experiences/images/authors/author_logo_default_grn.gif" alt="Author Home Page" align="RIGHT" border="0"></a>
</td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">6 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">130 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Set: VERY tired from the
<br>
Setting: A small rave at a bowling alley (my first rave).
<br>
<br>
We entered the rave at the very start, around 11:00pm. All of my friends were going to be rolling, but I'd been tired of it lately and hoped that I could find something a bit more interesting somewhere at the rave. My hopes were fulfilled. I told the guy I wanted 3 hits, and he asked me to buy at least 20, but I didn't have the money. He told me 3 would be fine, so I tore what appeared to be 3 hits off of what I thought was a 10 strip (it was unmarked) and took it. About 15 mintues later, I realized that he had wanted me to buy 20, and the 10 strip looked a bit wide, and...you get the picture.
<br>
<br>
All times except start are estimated, because I was really not paying that much attention.
<br>
<br>
12:35am - Took the acid.
<br>
<br>
01:30am - Definitely going to be an interesting night.... I don't sweat that much normally. The floor was breathing and fractals were appearing in the wood. Time slowed extremely, was actually wishing there were lights on in the room so I could see my visuals better. :-)
<br>
<br>
02:45am - Sat down for a while. As usual, my friends who were rolling were bitching about the music or something and blaming it for 'killing their roll.' Perhaps the fact that ecstasy only peaks at around 3 hours or their negative attitude is what actually killed their roll, I'd say. My arm was pulsating and there were little black worms crawling all over it into my skin. This made me happy, because I'd been wanting to get a larger dose of acid at some point.
<br>
<br>
03:00am - Went to bathroom. Mental note: Don't go in that bathroom again while tripping. Sinks overflowing, somebody shit on the floor in the stall, puke in water-filled sinks overflowing. Didn't especially bother me, but the fact that it didn't bothered me more, because it normally would have.
<br>
<br>
03:30am - Like I said, this was my first rave. When I first arrived, I remember that the first thing I noticed was that nothing made a damn bit of sense. It was completely silly to an extreme I had never seen before. Suddenly though, I looked around, and it made absolute sense. Not that any group of people there fit together, it was just that the whole thing made sense. It wasn't about 'PLUR' like everyone says. There were many people there being mean or rude, and many being very nice. There were the same ratio of nice people to jackasses that there is everywhere else I go. The way it made sense was the same way a crowd of people walking down the street makes sense. It was just another thing people do. As with many acid headed thoughts, it is impossible to describe in English. One thing I distinctly remember was laughing my ass off at the thought of massive groups of people being incredibly impressed by somebody swinging around glowsticks on a string.
<br>
<br>
04:00am - Began watching the DJ. I saw the passion he put into his music and realized one of the things I have been missing in my life for a long time. Passion for what I do. Vowed to change this, and have been so far. At this point, glowsticks were leaving tracers that consisted of the color of the glowstick and bright neon purple writing in some asian language.
<br>
<br>
04:15am - Could feel the bass with every single hair on my body, and felt electrified by it. Dripping with sweat as well, even though I was just standing there. I had several important realizations about my life that I won't really discuss here....
<br>
<br>
04:30am - Danced a while. The floor seemed to be covered with water or something slippery that was keeping me from dancing properly. Sat down and watched the lights, which immediately began burning, with long colored flames rising into the air. Greeted a friendly police officer as he walked by. Absolutely no paranoia.
<br>
<br>
05:00am - Watched the DJ some more, and felt my fingers melting together. Hmm.... Wow, the guy who sold me the acid was getting the next record for the DJ. What a small world. :-)
<br>
<br>
06:00am - Just spent the last hour watching some friends dance with lights.
<br>
<br>
06:30am - #1 way to fuck with someone who took lots of acid: Turn on all of the lights in the building suddenly, after it has been dark for the past 7.5 hours. Wow. Time to leave, so we went outside. That was when I truly realized how much acid I had taken. The sun had risen and everything was a beautiful ultra intense pastel color. The clouds were rippling and shooting across the sky at extremely high speeds. I was cold, so naturally the trees became covered with frost and icicles. The condensation on the windows of the car turned to frost, too (it didn't, I verified it with my friends), and slowly melted as I warmed up. On the drive home, houses in the distance were pulsating and sinking into the ground, and a radio tower duplicated itself about 99 times, filling the horizon with copies. Thought a lot about my life on that ride, until about 10 minutes from home when I thought a lot about peeing. :-) Felt, smelled, tasted, and saw a smell at the same time.
<br>
<br>
08:00am - Back to the dorms, time to sleep. I can sleep on basically any amount of anything if I feel like it, and since I had only slept about 5 hours the night before I definitely felt like it. Still patterning on walls, and hearing and seeing techno with my eyes closed.
<br>
<br>
Slept till 1:00, and woke up feeling EXTREMELY happy about where my life is headed.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2000</td><td width="90">ExpID: 3174</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Dec 13, 2001</td><td>Views: 31,309</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=3174&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=3174&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Rave / Dance Event (18), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">150 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
This was my first trip. I was with my good friend M, who has been sober his whole life and still is to this day. He's the 'bookish' type. He was a good choice to go with since he was gonna be clean, and is a close friend who I constantly rely on and above all, TRUST.
<br>
<br>
A little about me: I am currently in a bit of a situation with my family. They push me hard at school and have recently discovered that I smoke weed. I am subject to urine tests now. I am still trying to figure out who I really am as a person. It's hard. i'm not very popular, or very talented, or very motivated. I am probably not the best candidate for LSD. But my mindset that day was one of happiness and comfort. We were at the Furthur festival, headlined by Ziggy Marley and The Other Ones (remainders of the Dead). I bought the hits in the lot. They were on a little tip portion of one of those garbage bag twist-ties. I promptly put it in my mouth and went in. For about half an hour, nothing happened. It was absolutely freezing and I was underdressed for the weather, and the onset blended in with my shivering. Marley was on and I really enjoyed his set, which ended with the sun perched beautifully in the western sky. I was definitely feeling effects. Things began to take on a bit of a 'sheen', and I became increasingly talkative with M, who was talking about some boring thing, but i was feeling very entertained. As the sun set, The Other Ones came on and I got up to dance. Now I noticed that every time I tried to keep my legs in any position but locked-straight, They shook with a spasm. I think it was partially the cold.
<br>
<br>
As night took hold, the blankets on the ground spun and patterned in the grass. We went to the bathroom and that's when I really felt it. My walking was messed up, it looked like I was marching. I got under control and watched in amusement as the tiled walls of the bathroom twisted and rolled around me. When we went back up, I smoked maybe 3 hits with the people behind me and things exploded. Colorful fractal patterns danced and spun and seemed to actually coat all surfaces. I saw many repeating wallpaperish patterns, like a wheel with ducks inside, rotating slowly, to name one. As I looked at the stage, it became a fractalesque shape and then took the form of a purple sound wave that coalesced to the music. Then things got eerie. I heard my dad's voice yelling at me. I looked over at M and out of the corner of my eye, he looked like a strung up fish (in body position and facial expression, not actually with fins &amp; stuff) with his eyes rolled back. The band had started its Drums/Space segment, which was totally freaking me out with weird sounds. The visuals had become pure and opaque. I started to feel like people where watching me. I tried to shake off the feeling by dancing, but every time I started to dance, i would get that paranoia. I would look behind me and all around. i decided to just sit and enjoy the music. It was hard. I kept thinking about myself and the start of school, and how I had to become a harder worker and a better person and get in a band and get .... whew! My mind was going too fast. My personality was being picked apart and examined thoroughly. I am a very analytical person, and now I was delving into my own head. I realized my insecurities and weaknesses. There are so many!!
<br>
<br>
Luckily, the band changed songs and this snapped me out of that particular bad spell. Wow, this stuff was SO reactive to my environment. I saw M sitting there, just like me, same position, and this really comforted me. I thought, 'why would anybody be staring at me at a festival like this, c'mon!' This worked. I sat and soaked up the music. They ended with Sugar Magnolia and I was oh so happy, if not a little shook up. I also noticed that my jaw had been clenched all night. ouch. The paranoia, although very very slight, came back upon exiting the venue, but I was pretty much fine.
<br>
<br>
BUT WAIT!!!!
<br>
<br>
My dad was driving us home. M said 'There's the car, let's go.' and I about pissed myself. I greeted my father, put on a tape, sat down, and prayed. He didn't talk much and when he did, I pretended to doze. The street lights and cars flew at me and the road twisted into bizarre forms. It felt like we were going 200 miles an hour. The tape I put in started to get very onimus sounding. I recognized it as a song, but it sounded like thunder and crashing. I took it out, felt better, and faked sleep all the way home. M left moments later, and it was just me, except...
<br>
<br>
When I got upstairs, my mom handed me a bag for my garbage can. Why the hell was she up so late? I stupidly fumbled with the can and couldn't get it on. She gave me a look and walked off. I sat freaked over this little doozy for a minute, but then noticed the posters on the wall. i have lots of magazine sized pictures of bands &amp; guitar players, so the wall is sort of like a mosaic. The people in the pictures seemed to melt within the borders of each poster, fill the bottom of it up like a glass of water, and slowly dribble down onto my carpet in multicolored trails of ink. cool. Everything in my room swelled and expanded (breathing). For some odd reason I grabbed a personal day timer/calculator thingy and got myself into a diary section I had written. The entries were titled 'March 5... march 7' and so on, but i had messed up the text so 'Ma' was deleted and a whole row of 'ch5, ch6...' was left. I interpreted it as channels, like on a broadband radio. I thought the entries were people trying to talk to me through my day planner! I spent a good ten minutes peering at these messages from people unknown until I figured it out and broke into gales of laughter. I decided to lie down with some headphones and I put on (why??) Rolling Stones, Exile on Main Street. I was aurally transported to the basement in which that recording occured. I could feel each instrument like an emotion. In the dark, spiraling rainbow shapes whizzed by and I could only smile smile smile.
<br>
<br>
Lots of cool stuff happened that night. I saw a great concert, listened to great music afterward, and watched colorful hallucinations melt my room. The trip ended on a positive note, and I felt good the next day. But...
<br>
Lots of bad stuff happened too. I had to deal with some intense paranoia, and ride home with my dad. I also got a true feeling of who I was. It was unnerving, and I now realize that I DO have to improve myself personality wise. This can be a devestating revelation to have on LSD. Luckily the band switched tunes here, a testamant to how easily I can be swayed by external factors. I think I need to wait until I have a better grip on my world before doing this again. I am not 'unstable', but I am still not fully realized as an individual. Beautiful as they can be, mind altering chemicals should be kept to a minimum for me until I straighten myself out a bit. Also, tripping around parents is BAD. I cannot tell you the fear I felt in that car. I'm very lucky my old man wasn't tired and didn't ask me to drive. So I don't know. was this a good trip, or a bad trip. The answer: It was a trip. nuff said.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2000</td><td width="90">ExpID: 2939</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Dec 13, 2001</td><td>Views: 50,101</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=2939&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=2939&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Music Discussion (22), General (1), First Times (2), Festival / Lg. Crowd (24)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">200 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I have always been terribly interested in LSD. As a teenager I was obsessed with the hippie counterculture of the sixties and its psychedelic mind set. After much self-debating and endless hours of research on the drug, I dropped acid for the first time on my twenty second birthday - less than two months ago.
<br>
<br>
I did it with two girls who I became very close to in college. They are both very experienced drug users and extremely trustworthy, loving people. I wanted my first experience to be with them. They did a lovely job setting the mood. They threw a miniature surprise party for my birthday and just generally got me completely psyched up about tripping (i.e. presenting me with a birthday card showing a badly-drawn girl with large, fried-egg eyes and a caption that read, 'Just do eet!').
<br>
<br>
When the time came to drop, the girls took their hits right out of an eye dropper full of liquid acid and presented me with a sugar cube that they had dosed with one hit especially for me. I was extraordinarily hesitant about putting that thing in my mouth. I had gone round and round with myself for months about the ins and outs of trying acid. Would I have a bad trip? Would I freak out? Have a seizure? I have never been a terribly happy person. I am currently, and was at the time, on antidepressants, and consistently suffer from bouts of extreme insecurity and pessimism. Everyone had told me that acid magnifies your emotions times 1000. What if LSD made naked all those hidden parts of my mind and I just lost it? Partly from the completely positive encouragement of my friends, and partly from pure exhaustion from overanalyzing, I just did eet, and munched on the small, sweet block that would take me... I didn't know where.
<br>
<br>
We were going to a concert at a small club. After we dropped we all got ready and left at about ten pm. On the way to the club, the cassette that was playing in the car kept screwing up and slowing down, and I thought I was tripping. I asked my friends if they heard what I was hearing, and they burst into laughter. We joked about it the rest of the way.
<br>
<br>
When we got to the club, we went to the upstairs balcony, where it was very quiet and cool and we just sat by a window and talked. Eventually, I began to feel... different, but nothing special. I felt a little like I did when I had tried ecstasy, just a general feeling of calmness and well being. Colors and sounds also began to distort ever so slightly. When I closed my eyes, some red lights behind me that were actually pretty dim seemed blindingly bright in my peripheral vision. I also often felt as if someone were standing next to me or behind me or that someone was walking towards me, but, when I turned to look for somebody, no one was there.
<br>
<br>
My friends decided to drop a little more. It had been about an hour and a half at this point, and I was feeling fine, so I decided to take one more hit. When L dosed me, though, she squeezed too hard and I got two. 'What the hell,' I figured, and lapped them up. It tasted interesting - slightly metallic.
<br>
<br>
We finally got up and went downstairs and right up to the stage. The show was about to start and there was a very palpable excitement in the air. I heard someone call my name and turned to see my sister. We hugged and talked and she said she would like to drop (she is a relatively experienced LSD user). L dosed her and we stood talking some more. Suddenly, one of the amplifiers on the stage emmitted a horribly loud, booming buzz of feedback. At that instant, I truly felt my trip kick in head first. The buzzing must have lasted three seconds, but it felt like an eternity. I felt a hole spread in my chest (not unlike the chest holes I feel sometimes when I smoke really potent pot) and my body felt as if it would be rammed into the vibrating ground. It was exhilerating and scarily trapping at the same time. My sister left to get a beer from the bar and promised to come back.
<br>
<br>
The show started and I was zinging. People around me were passing joints and I accepted a few, though no marijuana high would ever show its face through the electric curtain in my head tonight. I had never FELT music as I felt it that night. It flowed through every part of my body and mind and I had no choice but to dance.
<br>
<br>
And I did wig out - just a little bit. My sister had been gone for a while and I began to get worried. The rational part of me knew that the crowd had simply gotten too thick and she couldn't make it back up front, but my acid clouded mind was conjuring up a million places she could be - trampled under the crowd, out in the cold alone and tripping by herself, maybe she decided to leave and was in a car accident. These thoughts haunted me every time I turned around and couldn't see her in the audience. I got so worried at one point that N (my sister) became my whole world. People began to look like her. She has shocking bottle red hair, so my vision took on a magenta tint. I heard her voice behind me and turned to see strangers talking. The bongo drummer in the band was N for a second. And, I can never say for sure if this phenomenon took place in the realm of vision or mind or memory, but I was peppered with triangular shards that contained her face and voice. I equated it to watching a movie in a theater, and sometimes you see those strange black circles that pop up in the corner for a fraction of a second. That is what it was like. Like clips from a movie. Shards of glass where she was trapped and wanting a way out...
<br>
<br>
I knew though. I held myself together. I told myself that it was ME fucking with ME, and that I could control that. And I did. I took hold of A's hand and squeezed it hard. Instantly she could tell I was having a tough time and she just smiled and squeezed back. As we held hands, we danced, and we began to clap out the rhythm of the music together. We stumbled a bit at first, but the synthesis became perfect... we were improvising, filling in gaps in the beat and adding our own sequences, and it was perfect. We were truly, mystically connected through the music, and it was beautiful. When the song was over, we hugged and kissed each other. We didn't have to say a word.
<br>
<br>
So I forgot about my sister (who, by the way, wound up having a great time that night while avoiding stampedes and bad vibes), and the rest of the night was cake - and wonderful. Of course, the crowd was very tight, so people were constantly bumping into me or rubbing me as they passed. But I felt each touch in detail. It was like my body was being licked by giant tongues from all directions. And I danced and danced. The music was strange and a feast for all the senses. I felt as if I finally came to a long sought understanding of psychadelia. I heard strange things in the music. Exaggerated chords became a woman screaming. Any miniscule buzz, bleep, or bell echoed through me. At one point, during a song peak, I threw my head backwards and felt as if colors were rushing up my neck. I didn't really SEE colors when I closed my eyes, rather I thought them, and they became visual all the same. I travelled through tunnels of liquid metal, swirling vortexes of tie dyed patterns, bright, checkered rabbit holes with millions of branches. When the band took a break, I felt as if I had lost something, as if I had been holding the music in a ball in the pit of my stomach and it had flown away.
<br>
<br>
During intermission, my friends and I sat outside to cool off. We smoked cigarettes and laughed at everything. We were simply, unabashedly giddy and happy. We spent the second half of the concert on the balcony, where it was much less crowded. I didn't dance much this time around. I mostly sat and thought, just watching people and feeling good. When the show was over we met up with some other friends and stood around until we were kicked out. For the rest of the night, I felt terribly inarticulate and tired. I could barely open my mouth, let alone speak. If someone asked me a question, I nodded a yes or no answer. My body was worn out, but my mind was still sizzling with incomprehensible colors and thoughts.
<br>
<br>
We went home and sat up talking for a couple of hours. We were all starving and had leftover tetrazini from earlier in the evening and big cups of cranberry juice that tasted incredible. In the end, I was the only one left awake. This turned out to be the most difficult part of the trip for me. I had a terrible time trying to go to sleep. There was beautiful music playing on the stereo, but it eventually became grating noise as I grew more tired and irritable. I fought, punched, and kicked this thing called sleep in the teeth. I thought I had forgotten how to fall asleep, that I would simply be awake forever and always be tripping, and I should just accept it. When I closed my eyes, it was as if someone had turned on a strobe light in my brain. A bright light flashed and whirred. Sleep came eventually, after about three hours of tossing and turning, teeth gritting, cursing, and begging.
<br>
<br>
In the end, I guess I was left mystified by the whole experience. I don't think I really learned anything about myself or about others. It didn't profoundly change my perspective on anything. Rather, it just served to enhance things I already knew intuitively. Interconnectedness, hidden psychic abilities, an electric rhythm and pulse behind - everything. I do think that tripping is a sort of intrusion, though - an intrusion into a part of ourselves and the world that maybe we are not supposed to see because the potential for exposure and artificiality is just too great. But that's just what makes it so damned intriguing, eh? I am in no hurry to try acid again - it was too intense and physically draining for me to do routinely - but I definitely think I will try it again in the future.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 4648</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Dec 30, 2001</td><td>Views: 40,179</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=4648&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=4648&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Club / Bar (25), Music Discussion (22), First Times (2)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
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<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">130 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Setting: The apartment of a pair of my friends, whom I'll call Sing (a woman) and Song (a man, her boyfriend). They were both experienced with LSD, Song especially taking very much an active interest in entheogens. The apartment was pretty nicely kept, not cluttered or anything like that. Your average college kid apartment. I arrived at about 10.30am, and didn't leave for 12 hours.
<br>
<br>
Mindset: Pretty relaxed, but excited as this would be my first time on any hallucinogen. My previous experience was limited to THC, alcohol, and ephedrine. However, as I discovered, anything you've been thinking hard about in the past week or so will have a chance of making an appearance. Additionally, I had only smoked weed in the past week; no other substances besides maybe -- but I doubt it -- alcohol were in my system. However, I have a history of mild mental illness, mainly dysphoric depression, for which I'd been prescribed the antidepressant Celexa about two years previous.
<br>
<br>
Preparations: I showed up, and we had some breakfast -- some pretty shitty biscuits that Song made with too much salt, which we ate drenched in honey to try and disguise that fact. We had drums at the ready, and paints and paper. The paints play a pretty significant part in this, actually. We ate, and then after clearing the table covered it with an expendable cloth in case we got wild with the washable paints: watercolours and this bizarre glitter stuff in numerous pastel shades. I also brought over some headphones at Sing's request, and some music I enjoy -- 'Dead Inside' by the Golden Palominos. I carried with me as well a small notebook and a pen, as I intended to do my best to transcribe the experience.
<br>
<br>
Dosage: Imprecise. I suspect we each had 2-3 hits of indeterminate potency at first and then about an hour later we took 1-2 more as a booster. We dropped by simply swallowing the tabs with orange juice.
<br>
<br>
After we dropped and were waiting for the effects to begin, I felt giggly, but I think that was only due to being excited. Song put on some music -- Radiohead's 'Kid A' -- and got online, looking for things to entertain us. We found various pieces of pattern software and eventually settled on WinAmp's visual interpretation of the music, which I think would have been pretty mesmerising in the best of times, but then, I am by nature easily visually distractable.
<br>
<br>
So we sat around staring at this, and looking for other craziness online, we then took the booster, and got the paints out.
<br>
<br>
It was then that things started to get funny. I discovered the joy of tracers, waving a paintbrush handle through the air, and then my hand, I was enthralled. I painted with the watercolours then, idly smearing colour across the page to no especial end. Song had gotten an old furniture magazine out and was amusing himself to grand heights by painting all the curtains and furniture and such in the interior design photos red or yellow or green. Sing was very quiet, intent on her painting of some interminable blob, cast in hues of pastel glitter-flecked yellow.
<br>
<br>
I didn't realise it at the time, but the trip proper was beginning. I percieved things as strangely kindergartenish, as 'little-kid' in a distinctly unholy way. I dismissed it as a perceptual flashback to times past, when sitting at a table painting actually was a small child's activity. But this was not the extent of it.
<br>
<br>
Song put on a new CD -- he had since changed Radiohead to REM, which he now changed to Tripping Daisy's 'Jesus Hits Like the Atom Bomb.' The trips were arriving in force now, and we were sprawled around. Song was glued to the CD player, Sing was lolling in a chair, and I was scribbling furiously in my notebook.
<br>
<br>
So what was happening to me? I was regressing. I found myself entangled in strings of pink bubblegum, which gave the impression of being too sweet to be really that sweet -- like a corrupted, poisoned candy our parents used to warn us the Satanists would hand out at Hallowe'en. Entwined in that bubblegum was a creature, a thing whose name I could hear in my mind and which I desperately tried to spell, but was impronouncable by human tongues, as was the concept that some things would have to remain in this trip and never come to light while lucid. Now, I call the thing the Mouse-King.
<br>
<br>
It was rotting amid the sea of gum and candy, corruption and decay falling off of it like bark from a dead tree in a swamp. It had a mouse's half-rotten head on which perched a crown, but it would also change into a massive tongue studded with eyeballs and festooned with gaping, tooth-filled mouths. It presided over a playground on which children cavorted, but the playground was false, a cover -- beneath the sugar-coated surface lurked something hellish, dark. The overwhelming sense was that nothing is as good and innocent as it appears.
<br>
<br>
This gave way to a tormented sense of loss and regret, that my own innocence had been tainted this way, that it was happening to children all over and I was powerless to protect them. I then sort of... devolved, into a protohuman state of consciousness, in which the ego has yet to develop and the id reigns... and yet, I was still in control, and indeed, quite self-conscious. Dust from the floor seemed to soil me incomparably and I was terrified I'd say something out loud that would betray my state and ruin the trips of my friends. But it was like being granted a look through the mists of evolution, both macrobiological evolution and the moral development of individual human beings. I knew what it was to be a child, to be unfettered by social mores -- now that I think of it, that may also be what it's like to be a sociopath.
<br>
<br>
I went to the bathroom, which was an ordeal -- trying to make sure I had not already wet myself while going is not easy on this stuff. Looking in the mirror was unbearable.
<br>
<br>
I came out and talked to Song, who was on about music -- he is a musician, and so is very exicted about music when he trips -- when I caught sight of the back of the Tripping Daisy CD. It features a circus parade where all the animals and people have cuts of meat superimposed over their faces. This was terrifying and confusing. The music was not helping, either -- heard lucid, it's very happy stuff, but in my state all I could percieve was the darkness of it. The whistling, chanting children on some of the songs became a demon choir heralding the loss of all goodness to a world that eats its young.
<br>
<br>
Then the doorbell rang.
<br>
<br>
Poor Song... he had to go and sign for a package, which contained some miscellaneous amplifier cord or some such. He was traumatised. ;)
<br>
<br>
This continued... we went back to the paints and I painted in tortured blobs of pink. The word 'help' is scratched into the layers of it in one of them.
<br>
<br>
We began to come down. The tracers continued but we were lucid again, although unable to communicate very well -- Sing and Song had been reading Sartre, so the inability to get one's point across was fresh on their minds, and mine as well -- the impronouncable words and concepts were recurring every minute. We ate pasta, and it was the best goddamn pasta I ever had.
<br>
<br>
Hours later, I drove home. I was so tired I collapsed immediately, and my mind refused to dream.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 5199</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Not Specified</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 11, 2002</td><td>Views: 42,201</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=5199&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=5199&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : First Times (2), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
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<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">30 g</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/morning_glory/">Morning Glory</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(extract)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">130 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
This is an account of my experience with LSA (extracted from Pearly Gates) and LSD. In about 1990, a friend of mine located a recipe for 'LSD' from the Anarchist's Cookbook. It is important to point out that this recipe *does not* make LSD and is incorrect. The original recipe follows:
<br>
<br>
LSD courtesy of the Jolly Roger (from the Anarchist's Cookbook)
<br>
1) Grind up 150 grams of Morning Glory seeds or baby Hawaiian wood rose seeds.
<br>
2) In 130 cc. of petroleum ether, soak the seeds for two days.
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3) Filter the solution through a tight screen.
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4) Throw away the liquid, and allow the seed mush to dry.
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5) For two days allow the mush to soak in 110 cc. of wood alcohol.
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6) Filter the solution again, saving the liquid and labeling it '1.'
<br>
7) Resoak the mush in 110 cc. of wood alcohol for two days.
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8) Filter and throw away the mush.
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9) Add the liquid from the second soak to the solution labeled '1.'
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10) Pour the liquid into a cookie tray and allow it to evaporate.
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11) When all of the liquid has evaporated, a yellow gum remains.
<br>
This should be scraped up and put into capsules.
<br>
30 grams of Morning Glory seeds = 1 trip
<br>
15 Hawaiian wood rose seeds = 1 trip
<br>
<br>
My friend also read in the AC that Morning Glory seeds are often treated with pesticides that destroy the naturally occurring Ergot alkaloids. My friend purchased Pearly Gate Morning Glory seeds and planted them in his garden. When the plants began to produce seeds my friend began gathering them and removing the loose outer shell. He eventually gathered *30 grams* of shelled seeds according to the directions contained in the AC.
<br>
<br>
At the time, I worked for an environmental waste laboratory and had access to laboratory grade chemicals. I began by mixing the seeds with a small quantity of water and crushing the seeds to a pulp. I then used a Sonicator (Ultrasound) for about 2 hours to completely pulverize the seeds. I allowed the powder to dry completely (1 day). I added 130 ml of petroleum ether and allowed to pulp to soak for 1 day. I re-Sonicated the pulp w/ petroleum ether and allowed it to soak for another 1 day. I filtered the mixture and discarded the liquid. I allowed the pulp to dry completely (1 day).
<br>
I then added 110 ml of methanol, Sonicated the mixture and allowed the mixture to soak for two days. I repeated this extraction (2 days). I then collected the solvent and discarded the pulp. I added 1ml of distilled water and allowed the mixture to evaporate over a slightly warm water bath with an evaporation column. I continued evaporation and rinsed residue from the sides of the condenser flask w/ water until I had 3 ml of brightly colored orange liquid (12 hours).
<br>
<br>
In retrospect, the AC number indicating 30g of Morning Glory seeds=1 trip is wrong. I also believe that I got a very good extraction of LSA from the seeds.
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<br>
The Trip
<br>
<br>
I consumed the entire concoction at about 4:00 pm. I had taken LSD often and felt comfortable taking up to 3 hits of strong acid at a time. I assumed that this would be a relatively week trip so I went to a party. By nearly 5:30 I felt no effects other than slight nervousness and some stomach discomfort. My friend was with me at the party and told the party host about my exploits. I explained that the experiment had failed and I was depressed that such hard-work had been for nothing. The host offered me some high quality blotter to cheer me up. I asked for 2 hits even though the host assured me that this was strong blotter.
<br>
<br>
Less than 10 minutes after consuming the two hits I began to feel a sensation unlike any other LSD experience that I had ever had. Within 60 seconds the room became *very* intensely visual. I have heard experienced psychonauts talk about a 'carrier-wave' with high dose mushroom trips. This seemed to have felt very much like that. I felt as if I was nudged slightly from my body. I immediately had a feeling of separation as if standing beside myself. My shoes began to melt into the carpet and form intricate, swirling patterns on the floor. I began to think that the experiment was not wasted after all and was elated. I excused my self to use the restroom. The walls had begun to breathe, particularly the levelors in the bathroom. Each time that I breathed in the walls breathed in; to the point that they were touching my body. The toilet bowl seemed to be several miles below. The bowl was small and moved back and forth. The back of the toilet was stretched so that the bowl was miles below, but the top of the back was at a normal height. I had a hard time determining if I was pissing on the floor or seat or even walls. At this point a stuffed Opus penguin on the top of the toilet began to talk and wink at me. All of this happened within 20 minutes of dropping the acid.
<br>
<br>
I returned to the living room and tried to talk to my friend and maintain. I was ashing a cigarette on my beer can when the can became very, very tall and the top of the can became huge. Much like the toilet experience, the can seemed tall and distorted or bent in a Dr. Suess like way. The ashes on the top of the can began to form into little lines of ants that marched across the top and over the edge. The host had one of those plasma-ball decorations on the coffee table- the ones that make blue and red sparks arc to your fingers when you touch it. I had been touching it earlier, but now the red and blue sparks began to arc across the room. All activity in the room became reduced to a crawl and slow motion arcs of red and blue cascaded across every one in the room. When people talked to me (or each other) the sounds came out so slowed down that they sounded like roars or growls. Arcs of colored light emanated from their mouths when the opened them and came flowing out to the intended listener. I also noticed that people speaking in what seemed to be a friendly way had cool blue energy emanating form their mouths and people who were excited or aggressive had red energy emanating from their mouths. I then noticed that my friend had gone. My watch said that it was 8:00 pm! Two hours had pasted in an instant.
<br>
<br>
I went outside to find my friend and became transfixed with a VW van parked across the street. It was breathing in a friendly way, so I sat on the curb next to it and watched the houses in the neighborhood. The trees and shrubs had become black colored elves and dwarves and they were having sex with each other in a frantic slow-motion orgy. There also seemed to be plant-people on the roofs of nearby houses. The air was alive with the sounds of sex. Literally everything was now moving and alive and I could not be sure which of the creatures were actual objects and which where simply pure hallucinations. Also the creatures near me seemed to be talking to me. Always in shallow whispers and mumbles. Oddly enough, I was not scared or in the least bit surprised by the state of the world. The sky above had become a wash of pure light and color; everything seem pervaded by a low humming sound. I began to focus on the house that I had just left. The structure had became very distorted in a cartoonish fashion with bright red and blue lighting. Cartoon looking characters seemed to be partying behind the curtains. I could only see the strange shadows, but they seemed to be jumping and throwing things and it was very loud. I eventually tried to go back across the street. The road, however, appeared to have *collapsed*. The black asphalt portion had fallen and now appeared to be completely gone; only the rocks on the road remained. They were attached to the top of long strings of color and were blowing in the wind. Eventually I convinced myself to walk across the street to the house with the party, but the door was locked. Perhaps they could not hear me over the wild party? I knocked loudly and waited for what seemed like an eternity. The host opened the door and the house was silent. He was wearing a bathrobe and appeared to be getting ready for bed. Two people that I knew were sitting in the living room and everyone else had gone. I looked at my watch and it was 11:00 pm.
<br>
<br>
My friends in the living room offered to walk home with me (I lived about 1 mile from this house). We began to walk and I immediately began to feel better. One of my friends was on coke and was talking so quickly that her voice became a gentle hum. I marveled at the beauty of the stars and followed my friends. Eventually I began to expect that we were lost. I took note on the corner that we were on 'C Street'. I loudly proclaimed that we had 6 more blocks to go. We then walked past the hospital. At the next street I looked at the street sign- 'C Street'. I asked my friend if we had just past 'C Street' and they told me no. We then walked past the hospital again. The next street sign said 'C Street'. This time I said nothing and continued walking. Soon we were on '2nd Avenue'. A very busy street that we had to cross to get to my house. The cars were whizzing by so quickly that they only looked like one long, continuous streak of light. I began to walk across the street and my friend (the coke fiend) screamed. I turned to see blood streaming down her face from her nose. I ran to her side and she turned to me, only to reveal no blood. My friends told me that I had nearly been hit by a car and each grasped one of my arms and lead me across the street. I was very skeptical about stepping in front of the car-light-streaks. They seemed very loud and very close. I simply began to move across and had the sensation that I was floating over the car-streaks while being held-up by my elbows.
<br>
<br>
At my home, my friends tucked me in, put on some music, poured me a beer and then told me that they needed to be somewhere and would return soon. I assured them that I would be fine. After all it was now 12:00 pm; a full 8 hours since I took the LSA and 6 hours since I took the acid. I should be down anytime. They left and I poured myself a bubble bath; I had been shivering violently since we left the house. I tried to use the toilet but found that I had no idea how to operate myself. My body seemed disconnected and I could not feel my bladder or bowels. As I got in the tub I realized that I also could not determine what temperature the water was. I assumed that it was not too hot because I felt no pain. To test this theory I turned the water to straight hot and put my hand under the faucet. The water felt cold, although I could see steam rising from my hand. The skin even appeared to be getting red. I changed the temperature to straight cold and felt the water. It felt very hot. I then selected about half of each, assuming that to be not cold or scalding. I began to relax until I realized that the bubbles were all over me. I'm not sure why this bothered me, but it did. I waited, telling myself that this was preposterous, but my anxiety grew. After only a few minutes I leaped from the tub and ran to my bed.
<br>
<br>
I hid under the covers for a while and then decided to listen to some music and reduce the amount of visual input. I turned off the lights and put on a piano concerto. When I closed my eyes I saw much more than the standard CEVs. I saw fully formed images of piano keys in flowing waves rushing by me, colored musical notes and penguins. I opened my eyes and discovered that I could see the same things on the blank, black wall in front of me. This was probably the most intense part of the trip. I felt as if I was rushing forward into blackness. Soon the entire room had become black and all that I could see were musical notes. I began to get worried. I sat up and put my hand in front of my face. I could not see my hand. I began to tell myself that this was ok. It was just a trip, but I keep wondering if my extraction had somehow left methanol residue in the product. Was I going blind? I tried to relax and listen to the music. Soon the song stopped and the next one did not start. I sat in complete darkness. No visuals, no sounds. I tried talking and could not hear myself. Suddenly the frond door opened and the lights came on. One of my friends had returned. She had a bottle of wine.
<br>
<br>
After some coercing, she agreed to lay with me. I was nude and we shared a glass of wine and lay together. We tried to have sex at one point but my attention span was too short. She went to sleep and I got up and went into the other room. It was now 3:11 am. I began to draw in a legal pad. At the top of each page I wrote the time. At the end of about 20 pages I went back and looked at my previous pages only to discover that the time had not changed. It was still 3:11. I sat and patiently watched for the time to change, but it did not. After some time doing this I returned to bed and waited for sleep. At 5:00 am I got up again. I now felt very much like I was coming down from a standard LSD trip. I had some stomach cramps and felt cold and somewhat disoriented. The visuals that I had now were only tracers and occasional distortions. I made coffee and watched the sun come up. I was still tripping too hard to sleep, but I felt fairly marvelous. But 11:00 am I could sleep and I slept for about 3 hours waking happy and refreshed.
<br>
<br>
Dosage
<br>
<br>
Although this was a great experience, I would not recommend that anyone consume the quantities on Morning Glory described in the Anarchist's Cookbook. 30g is *way* too much. I peaked for approximately 9 hours and the entire trip lasted for over 14 hours! I do recommend the extraction however, I had no serious nausea or other side-effects. I am not entirely sure how much of the effect was from the LSA and how much was from the LSD, however, I have never had an LSD experience before or since like that one.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1990</td><td width="90">ExpID: 5316</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 13, 2002</td><td>Views: 122,112</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=5316&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=5316&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">Morning Glory (38), LSD (2) : Preparation / Recipes (30), Combinations (3), Various (28)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
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<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
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<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">200 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Preamble:
<br>
<br>
Apart from the occasional caffeine (which has little effect on me) and a few half-glasses of champagne at various special events, and some demerol in hospitals on two occasions, I had no experience with psychoactives prior to trying LSD. Stimulants and depressants are simply not appealing to me and opiates are far too risky. As long as I have known about them (probably since one of those 'Just Say No' lectures that public schools were constantly having in the 80s) LSD (and by extension all psychedelics) have been intriguing to me. I vaguely remember at some point in 8th or 9th grade thinking 'if only LSD did not cause brain damage it would be the perfect drug, and even I would try it'.
<br>
<br>
Roll the clock forward about 10 years. I have recently started reading Hunter Thompson and listening to an increasing amount of psychedelic music (both 1st generation stuff and newer things like the Butthole Surfers and the Cramps). Naturally, I sought out information on these fascinating substances which had inspired so much great music and literature. Before long, I had learned that, while certainly not 'safe' (what is?), the risks of LSD were almost entirely of the psychological nature. The point is, between the time at which I decided I was going to try LSD and the time I actually tried it I spent about 7 months researching and generally preparing myself mentally for it. This definitely payed off... when I later described some of the most impressive moments of the trip to my friend who acted as guide (and who has had a lot of experience, having taken acid a few hundred times), she was suprised that I had enjoyed it at all. I loved it, paranoia, loss of self, loss of linear time and all. I was not anxious to try it again immediately, but I will almost certainly use it again in the future; I could easily see myself using it once or twice a year indefinitely.
<br>
<br>
The experience itself:
<br>
<br>
I arrived the day before and slept on the couch. the next morning I awoke around 10 and took a long shower, followed by a light breakfast (I cannot remember precisely what). We sat and talked for a little while with her boyfriend, then got the acid from te refrigerator and divided it up. It was difficult to tell how much I took because we only had leftover edges from a sheet, but in retrospect it is clear that she had a prett good idea of how much was actually there. At any rate, I had about four pieces; she had two. After eating it (I swallowed the paper after a minute or so, which her boyriend then warned me not to do - it made his stomach upset...) her boyfriend left for work and we sat and talked aout nothing in particular, looked at some Maurice Sendak books, and waited. And waited. After about 20 minutes I was just beginning to feel it. Nothing was actually different, but there was an increasing sense of anticipation: SOMETHING was about to happen. We moved to the living room and put on some music. Some buddhist chants she had downloaded a few weeks before... nice background music, though somewhat humorous on a meta level: here we are, full of acid listening to buddhist chants in her living room. I found the idea of that strangely amusing. Something was happening, all right.
<br>
<br>
I guess it took about an hour before it really kicked in, but I can't be sure. I tend to be kind of analytical, so she had hidden all of the clocks in the house beforehand and I had placed my watch safely out of reach. The wait was definitely on the long side, though. Then, without much warning, I could feel it starting to pick up: sort of waves of electricity traveling up my body. She was obviously farther along than I, and asked if I wanted more or not (we had previously discussed whether to go for a lot right off or do a bit at a time so I didn't get more than I felt comfortable with; it ended up being somewhere in between, as my initial dose was probably about the same as an average tab). I said 'sure' and she went to the kitchen to get it. I stood up and took a few steps toward the wall. All of a sudden, everything started to twist into a sort of counterclockwise nautilus spiral, which was centered somewhere above and to the left of my head. This was not visual (though there was initially a slight, brief distortion); it was only a nearly overpowering feeling. I looked at the prints and drawings that were hanging on the wall and thought something along the lines of 'I am HERE. This is it.' About this time, she returned with three more pieces which I put in my mouth and sucked on for maybe five minutes. I had not tasted anything from the first dose I took (which I attribute to the fact that I held it for about five minutes before taking it and my palms were slightly sweaty), but this one had a definite flavor. Despite her boyfriend's assertion that it tasted unpleasant, I enjoyed it. Interestingly enough, it tasted a bit like the acid (of a very different type) that dentists use to soften a tooth before filling it - a taste most people probably dislike.
<br>
<br>
Now that we were fully taking off, I soon remembered that we had planned on drawing. We got out crayons and paper and made a 'book', which took somewhere between 15 minutes and an hour. When we were tired of drawing, we sat for a few minutes on the floor and did not do much of anything. Neither of us were having any significant visuals. Light seemed a little brighter and more 'pure' and sometimes moved on its own. Distances were distorted. There were no heavy colors or patterns, however, and nothing was significantly distorted. That is not to say that the trip was at all mild up to this point, however. It was simply not going on in the visual domain. Most of the changes were in perception, thought processes, and so forth. Very subjective, very hard to put into words. And, while I did not SEE any distortions or trails or the like, I certainly FELT them.
<br>
<br>
We were still sitting on the floor comparing notes when suddenly I snapped back to normalcy. It was almost instant and almost complete. Here I was sitting on the floor, perfectly sober. And there was the couch over there, a few feet away. I suddenly know that I had to get over there quickly while I still had the chance. I muttered something to that effect and stood up, stepped across the floor (only one step... but what a step it was) and dropped onto the couch.
<br>
<br>
...ceiling, acoustic tiling. Tunneling upward.... the second dose must be kicking in...
<br>
<br>
...
<br>
<br>
'I... I think I might be a while... if you... want to read a book or something...'
<br>
<br>
... picture on the wall is... alive... shapes crawling into themselves...
<br>
<br>
I am siting on the couch. It is a bit darker outside than it was last time I noticed. Everything around me is still more or less solid, but it seems very distant. The computer is on, and some of the colors are leaking off of the screen onto the side of the monitor, but the picture itself is the only thing in the room that seems to be completely noral. Strange.
<br>
<br>
I am looking across the room. I do not know how long I have been here. I can feel my body and the couch flowing into each other, a strangely comforting sensation. I am alone in the room, but I know that someone is in the other room, and will be back soon. Or is that me? Am I really just a reflection of what I am looking at? I can feel my presence start to leak out into the couch, like water from a plastic bottle with a leak in the bottom. The level of my existance is falling down my body; only my eyes and teeth are left. Just before everything else disappears completely into the couch, I remember reading 'The Psychedelic Experience' earlier that week, and recognize that this is, in its eccentric way, the 'pure whit elight' that Leary was talking about. Thinking this makes me quickly flow back up out of the couch into myself, much to my chagrin. I suppose that the act of thinking reminded me that I exist. I begin to flow out again, but it does not go much lower than my chest, and I end up laying back on the couch and just enjoying being around.
<br>
<br>
How long has it been since then? Minutes? Hours? Someone says something to me and a large stuffed bee attached to a keychain lands on my chest and looks at me. I look back. It is a friendly bee. I like it.
<br>
<br>
It is definitely nighttime now; the windows are dark. We have been playing Atari 2600 games on the computer for some time now. Or rather, I have been watching her play. I occasionally try to control the action a bit, but mostly I am content to watch. There is a game called 'Bobby is going home'. Bobby is jumping across puts and dodging viscious greek letters(!). The sky is purple, and the sun is flying around the sky in a figure 8 pattern. Bobby reaches the edge of the screen and moves to the next: the sun becomes a giant bird! I am now convinced that the atari 2600 was designed by and for acid users.
<br>
<br>
I am walking to the kitchen to get a drink of water. The observing part of my brain realizes how absurd te entire situation is. It thinks of Peter Fonda: the perfect icon of the ridiculousness of LSD. For a brief moment I am standing behind myself watching: I AM Peter Fonda. I get my water, set it on a shelf, forget where it is, return, find it, drink it. We go to the bedroom to look at the ceiling, which is a sort of lumpy stucco. On the way, we notice a poster which depicts farm animals picketing. All of them are carrying signs except for the duck, who has a small red banner. We are sure that this is very important, but cannot decide why. I look at myself in the mirror and... there I am! And I can even move my mouth and eyes! I am happy to see this.
<br>
<br>
We have watched the ceiling for a while but we are both feeling restless. It has been quite a few hours now, and she is clearly overmost of it. I am still feeling strange, but I am definitely over the peak. We decide that, despite the cold and the icy streets, we are going to walk round outside a little bit.
<br>
<br>
Out in the hallway. Bare white walls. No furniture except for a salvaged church pew with a life-sized cast of a tombstone sitting on it. We reach the front door and she tries to open it. Nothing. It is frozen. My mind races: the night before her boyfriend was late getting home from work and we had locked the keys in the apartment. We were stuck out in the rain for two hours. Now we want to get back out and we are locked IN! The perfect symmetry! I am overcome by the humor of the situation. am I laughing? I feel as though I am splitting apart from the waist up, becoming multiple images, like a photograph taken under strobe lights. But none of the motion is actually happening, is it? Is it?
<br>
<br>
The door finally opens - it was frozen shut - and we leave the house. I loo0k at the snow underneath the drainspout and admite the pefect fractal curve of crystals that are formed where water dripped onto it and froze. We walk down the street. The cold is severe, and I am starting to lose track of my body. Am I here? We walk down another street, but time is beginning to come apart. I am no longer experiencing my existance as a steady stream. It is a series of three basic images: looking forward, looking sideways, looking down at my feet. Each step I take the image changes in a cycle. This goes on forever, quite literally.
<br>
<br>
We are at a bus stop. A bus pulls up and the images speed up. I slide back into normal time and we decide not to get on the bus. I slide back to the ccling images, but there are more of them, closer together. We are in a richer neighborhood now. It is very dark, and all of the houses seem abandoned. We do not stay long. We are back on the main street, heading to the apartment. We pass a gas station. There is a large van filled with police. I feel unmoved: this is just the part where I act normal. We walk past and nobody pays the slightest bit of attention. I feel as if I am not actually connected to my body, but am in fact floating inside of it and trying to steer it around. She mentions something she read about that very sensation, though I had not mentioned it to her. 'I know exactly what you mean' I say loudly. The man walking his dog past us looks at me disapprovingly. 'But he doesn't,' I say, trying hard not to burst out laughing.
<br>
<br>
We are at an intersection. I cannot tell when and where the traffic is, but she is nearly back to normal and has no trouble negotiating the street crossing. As I step out into the road, however, I realize that I am no longer connected to my body at all: it is walking off across the road without me. Horror: what if I cannot catch up with it? The cars are coming! My body is almost across the street, but my consciousness is still standing right in the middle of it. I dash to the curb and, more or less, back into my body. I am not connected to it yet, but I have caught it and I fo not think it is going anywhere again. Sure enough, net time we cross a street, I only lag behind it slightly the first step or two. I am getting the hang of driving it around again.
<br>
<br>
Back in the apartment. We are both getting tired, but there is no chance of sleeping yet. It is probably only 8 or 9 pm, anyway. We wander about, trying to decide what to do. It is cold. I am still shaken from beign outside. We want to watch a movie, but can't decide what. Finally we choose 'Heavenly Creatures', a personal favorite of each of us. Her copy is a pre-releasse bootleg in an unmarked tape. We heat up some vegan pizza-pocket type things (she is vegan; I hardly eat much meat, but thrive on cheese and find most vegan food of this kind a bit bland, so I am not overly aggressive about eating it) and start the tape. Soon we are both deeply absorbed in the movie. However, the way she relates to it is, naturally, quite different from the way I relate to it. Slowly but surely I begin to feel isolated. I begin to notice that whenever any of the characters on the screen are hostile, the picture becomes grainy and their faces begin to deform. Soon, not only are there distortions whenever characters are hostile or angry, but hissing sounds as well. And the angrier they get, the worse my food tastes. When they are happy, the food tastes better, the picture is clear, and there is no distortion or hissing. I begin to notice that the characters who are most grusomely deformed are men. And then it dawns on me: the distortions are not because of the LSD! No, what is really happening is that the tape was specially prepared in order to imprint me with some kind of anti-male, anti-heterosexual personality! That is why it the tape was not labeled. I begin to feel very uncomfortable. On the screen, people begin to grow horns and their faces twist into hideous grimaces. About halfway into the movie, there is a scene in which the main character loses her virginity to a particularly unpleasant, rattish man. As he is about to reach orgasm... the tape breaks! We stop the vcr and rewind it a bit to see if that will help, but there is no picture when we play. We rewind some more: still no picture. The tape is blank.
<br>
<br>
We have not gotten the tape to work, despite 15 minutes or so of sitting and looking at the VCR. I get up to go to the bathroom. Once in the bathroom, I look into the mirror. Throughout the trip, I have had menthol lip balm on, and it has made me unable to feel (and therefore, unable to remember the existance of ) the lower half of my face. Off an on, I have felt that my facial expressions are actually the facial expressions of people I am looking at, but happening on my face. This is an opportunity to test that. I look in the mirror. There I am, just like last time. I think to myself 'I am not sure exactly who I am, but I am sure that whoever I am I like it a lot.'
<br>
<br>
A few hours have gone by. I am much closer to baseline now. Just tired, and my thought patterns are strange. Her boyfriend comes home and we sit and talk for a while. He reads our book. We keep him awake until about 2am, at which point we are all exhausted. They go to bed, and I turn off the lights and lie down on the couch. As I am about to close my eyes, I notice that the pattern on the couch is not just a pattern: it is a flaming, one eyed bird, and it is swooping down at me out of the cushion. I look at it for a moment, trying to decide whether or not we will be friends. I finally determine that we will get along, and close my eyes.
<br>
<br>
Mild closed-eye visuals as I fall asleep: moire patterns, kalidescope patterns, flying down chrome tunnels. At one point I am standing inside a strange house, looking out the window on the front door. Outside the window, there is a porch with a chair on it. On the chair sits a decaying corpse wearing a moth-eaten suit. I soon decide that I do not ilike this and go back to the tunnels and patterns.
<br>
<br>
About an hour later, I wake up. There is a scratching sound: mice in the walls! And... my mostly uneaten vegan pizza is still sitting on a plate by the couch. If the mice decide the y want to eat it, they might crawl over me to get to it! I must move it away!
<br>
<br>
Epilogue:
<br>
<br>
That is a basic account of what I can remember off the top of my head. It has been nearly three months, and I have been consistently much happier, much more able to focus, much more aware of the world around me, much more sure of who I am. I have always been pretty strong in all of these respects (though I am occasionally depressed for a week or two, as are most people I know), but since taking acid I feel as though they have all solidified. I know exactly who I am and where I am. While I might not be satisfied with everyhting in my life or th world, I am happy to be in it, as trite as that sounds. I waited until I was in an especially good state mentally before taking the acid, and I believe that it did a lot help imprint tthat state of mind into my personality much more deeply than it already was. For all the talk about LSD changing people's lives and personalities, I found that - much like hypnosis - it only created potential; the actual change was mad eby my own psyche. To draw upon the overused but very effective Huxley metaphor, LSD opens a door in your mind. But it does not make you walk through that door; that is up to you.
<br>
<br>
Would I do LSD again? most definitely, if the opportunity to do it in a comfortable, safe manner presented itself. I would also be curious to try performing routine activities (shopping for food; visiting a busy mall; going to a movie) under low doses once or twice. At some point I am interested in trying DMT (which was the drug that I first began researching before deciding on LSD). Despite the fact that some of the later parts of that first trip were not what most people would consider pleasant, and were certainly not fun, I did not consider them 'negative' experiences at the time nor do I now. The only thing that I would really be unhappy about repeating would be crossing the street the first time.
<br>
<br>
I would not outright recommend LSD to anyone. Moreso than most drugs, it is a very complex descision. I HAVE recommended that a couple of my friends who have not yet tried it but have some interest should spend some time reading about it and working at becoming comfortable with themselves before they even consider taking it. Sure, it is possible to just go out and do it without any trouble, but I cannot imagine that it would be nearly as satisfying, at east the first time. I think that it is incredibly important to have someone who you trust to guide you on your first trip. This has been said many times, but once more couldn't hurt.
<br>
<br>
One of the things that really helped me deal with some of the more uncomfortable moments was my firm belief that therre is no such thing as a 'bad' trip. A trip can be uncomfortable or downright frightening, but that is only 'bad' if the tripper interprets it that way. Some of the 'worst' experiences I've heard about from friends sound like some of the 'best' experiences I had (melting into the couch, for example - many other inexperienced people I have talked to were not at all comfortable when similar things happened to them). At least for me, remembering that 'good' and 'bad' are just human inventions that have no real bearing on the experience kept me from struggling against the uncomfortable moments, which is important.
<br>
<br>
If you go into it with the right mindset, I think acid can be one of the most positive and profound experiences a person can have, whether it is a 'good' trip or not.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2000</td><td width="90">ExpID: 5485</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 16, 2002</td><td>Views: 45,668</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=5485&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=5485&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : First Times (2), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
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<div class="report-text-surround">
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<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">170 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
In the past year I have experimented a number of times with acid, probably around ten times. I have taken anywhere from one to six liquid hits, and I have usually enjoyed myself quite thoroughly. My previous strongest trip before the one I am about to describe involved heavy visuals, mild euphoria, and a ceaseless attempt to describe my crazy thoughts to my friend- what I would consider a pretty solid trip, although I remained curious about higher dosages.
<br>
<br>
Last weekend my friend John came down to pick me up. Since John was the same guy I had my previous best trip with, I suggested that we take some acid before we left. He got 2 hits, and I took three, at about 7:30 PM. I told him that this time we would try to keep our tripping under wraps and try to party without acting too crazy. The weekend before I had bought three hits from the same guy and I hardly tripped at all, so I thought this task would be no problem. Also I believe myself to be a pretty level headed guy, and I feel like I am strongly in tune with my self at least on a mental level. So we hurried out to the car and drove to his place. Of course driving is not the best idea, but his place was only fifteen minutes away and we were already on his street and smoking a joint I had rolled before we started to become impaired in any way. We stopped in to a convenience store so I could get some gum (for the jaw grind) and some gatorade for John. I was nervous being in the store and I was happy to leave. We drove down the street to his place and went inside. This is the point where things become shaky. I realized at this point that the acid was coming on extremely fast. I remember pointing at John's roommate and asking 'is this dude going to watch us to make sure we're ok?' Soon enough he got kind of freaked out and left because he didn't ever trip and we were probably becoming kind of scary.
<br>
<br>
The visuals were very intense by 9:00. Heavy fractalization of every surface of the room was occurring, and the patterns were raising up to the extent that they seemed to press together in front of my eyes, like somebody attached an air compressor to the walls and the room swelled up around my face. I have never really been scared about visuals, but this visual experience was a little too close for comfort. The uncontrollably pulsating room had become inescapable to me now, and my closed eye visuals were almost identical to my open ones. I was losing sight of John and grabbed his hand to make sure he was still there. I don't know how I began my downward train of thought, perhaps it was the uneasiness caused by driving on acid, or simply the sheer power of the visuals.
<br>
<br>
I eventually seemed to be losing all contact with the room. I began yelping John's name just to try and prove to myself that he was still there. I lay down on the couch and tried to calm myself down but the effects of the acid were overpowering. I couldn't see the room now, just a constantly swirling gray mass strewn with prism like color effects.
<br>
<br>
Another thing that had begun happening was a rush of energy through my body. Other times that I had tripped I had experienced what I thought was stomach gas, but this time the pain rose up out of my stomach and flowed up over the back of my neck and forward across my brain to my eyes. This current of energy was extremely intense, and seemed to be trying to burst forth from my body with ununrelenting strength. Spikes of solid electricity seemed to be bursting from my fingertips, my arms were numb, with that pins and needles feeling, but multiplied many times, and it felt like a fish hook had been attached to every nerve ending on my skin and the strings were getting tugged. What seemed to be crackling waves of energy were flowing across my head (I can only relate this feeling to the image of those two wires with the electricity traveling upwards between them, with the addition of the sensation of 100 fuses overloading and burning out every second in my head). My eyes felt as if they were pulsating rapidly in and out, and I was certain that they might pop out of my head. These sensory stimuli were unpleasant to say the least.
<br>
<br>
At the same time I began to become less aware of my biological functions. I did not know whether my heart was still beating (when I felt it, it was very rapid) and my mouth and windpipe seemed to become detached from my body and I didn't know if I was still breathing. I constantly held my hand to my mouth to make sure that there was airflow (which there was, but it was very scary to experience this slight dissociation from body for the first time). These uncomfortable physical sensations as well an explosive mental state propelled me into a frenzy of terror. I thought that I had finally made myself insane through this drug which I realized I knew less about than I had earlier liked to think. I was grabbing frantically at the couch by now, trying to keep hold of the real world. I hopefully asked if this was almost over, and John said to my great disappointment that it was only about 10:00.
<br>
<br>
I at one point envisioned a slight opening in my visions, which I interpreted as a rapidly closing portal back into the world of sanity. I used all the will power at my disposal to keep this portal in sight by way of grabbing the couch, yelling out John's name, etc. I felt that if I gave up I would slip forever into this chaotic energy world and be insane. I reached a point where I simply could not fight any longer, and I feared that it was all over. I asked John to call my parents or his or even the police- anybody. I was scared out of my mind. Before this I would have never for a second considered contacting any of these people, something that would not be at all practical except for in an extremely no resort situation.
<br>
<br>
Luckily John did not have long distance and was in no shape to even dial the phone, so I was safe. I finally thought that I had died or lost it, and I thought my parents could be at any minute be crying over my body that I had left far behind in reality. I feel like at that point, if I had more control over what I was doing, I might have actually harmed myself. Somehow, John called his ex girlfriend, who was a veteran tripper, and she came over. When she saw me she ran over and sat next to me. By then I was nearly screaming and crying quite a bit. (I feel almost like a coward now but at the time I simply had no control over what was happening). I kept crying and saying stuff like 'I am sooo fucked up' and 'I am frying my ass off', because by then the physical and sensory sensations were almost unbearable- it literally felt like I had dropped my brain into a crackling frying pan. She was very soothing and rubbed my tingling arms and told me to try and keep my eyes open and it would soon end.
<br>
<br>
After a while I could finally distinguish the room again and was very, very glad, to feel some deceleration of the acid. I got a can of beer but I had to ask John's girlfriend to open it because the senses in my hands were still firing out of control. She left after a while, and I was soon able to calm down and describe to John some of the things that had been going on inside my head. It was almost twelve by then, but the trip was still in full swing with pronounced visuals. Basically for the rest of the time I listened to what John had to say about his views on life which I found quite interesting, and also I felt too burnt out already to do much talking. We sat around and talked for a few more hours, smoked another joint, and after watching half of a movie we went to sleep at about 6:30AM.
<br>
<br>
The next morning I was pretty quiet, because I was still contemplating the experience. I was afraid that I might have damaged myself mentally, or that I might start having flashbacks. So far though I haven’t noticed any adverse effects. I took a shower and my parents came and picked me up that afternoon to take me to dinner. Before I left, though, John made me promise not to do any more acid until I had learned everything I could from the trip. When I got back to school, I talked to a guy I know who has the most drug experience of anyone I know, and he told me he tripped really hard off of only one hit. Although it was by far the single scariest, most uncomfortable and physically painful experience of my life, I am glad that I was able to keep hold of that portal to reality and survive the trip. I would say that it was the first experience of my life that gave me a greater appreciation for life itself. I have actually had a very upbeat week since the event. What surprised me most was how unprepared I was for the intensity of the acid. I had taken more hits than that before, with nowhere near those results.
<br>
<br>
I will most probably not do acid for a long time, and when I do (or advice for others experimenting) I will be very careful about dosage. I had no idea that I could actually have an uncontrollably unpleasant time unless I swallowed a whole vial. Also, the lights were on in the room and there was no music, a situation that I think probably increased my chances of settling on a negative train of thought. And I found that it probably is best to have a sober sitter to reassure you, because with LSD you can never know what to expect.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 5566</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 17, 2002</td><td>Views: 38,002</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=5566&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=5566&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : General (1), Bad Trips (6), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
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</div> |
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<tr><td><a href="/experiences/exp.cgi?A=ShowAuthor&amp;ID=4"><img src="/experiences/images/authors/author_logo_default_grn.gif" alt="author logo" align="right" border="0"></a>
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</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">160 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdpr/">MDPR</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(capsule)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 4:05</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">20 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/2cb/">2C-B</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">140 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I was flipping through PIHKAL one day, dreaming of trying all these exotic compounds (who hasn't?), when one caught my eye: MDPR, closely related to MDA, MDMA and MDE. Shulgin says MDPR is basically inactive on its own, but can be a primer to other psychedelics, often with great success (see the PIHKAL entry <a href="http://www.erowid.org/library/books_online/pihkal/pihkal118.shtml"> here</a>). No one I had ever heard of, anywhere, knew anything about or had ever tried MDPR, outside of Shulgin and his crowd.
<br>
<br>
Some time later, I was chilling with my local wizard and he mentioned to me that he had recently conjured some MDPR. What a coincidence! I told him about my interest in it, and he gave me a gelcap which he claimed contained 160 mg of 3,4-methylenedioxy-N-propylamphetamine HCl. The material seemed to be pure - it was white and granular and had little odor. Its taste was much less biting and bitter than MDA or MDMA. But, the wizard told me, he was not sure of the quality of the powder. He had followed familiar spells, but he had no analytical means of testing what he had conjured. He wished me luck and disappeared in a cloud of burnt-plastic-smelling vapor.
<br>
<br>
At 3:30pm I ate the gelcap. I had eaten only a bowl of cereal an hour earlier. 60 hours previously I had taken MDMA, and I felt fully recovered.
<br>
<br>
t+0:00 - eat gelcap
<br>
<br>
t+0:28 - slight desensitization of touch?
<br>
<br>
t+0:47 - off baseline in an indistinct way - entirely physical
<br>
<br>
t+1:02 - definite but still indistinct physical response. slight touch 'fuzziness'. stimulant sensation in my limbs - more like amphetamine than MDMA. very slight.
<br>
<br>
t+1:18 - effects don't seem to be evolving much more
<br>
<br>
t+1:35 - a little more stimulating, without a change in the character of the stimulation
<br>
<br>
t+1:39 - I find myself wanting to tap my foot or bounce my leg up and down
<br>
<br>
t+1:54 - hunger. not what I would expect after taking a stimulant.
<br>
<br>
t+2:00 - time for the psychedelic.
<br>
<br>
Now, two hours into the experiment, I followed Shulgin's advice and ate a tab of acid. I have no way of knowing how much acid there is on a tab, but I'm guessing it's less than 100 micrograms, since my friends have told me this acid is pretty standard strength. Shulgin's primer experiments used acid in the 60-100 microgram range.
<br>
<br>
t+2:09 - slight metallic taste in my mouth?
<br>
<br>
t+2:12 - I find myself stretching my arms
<br>
<br>
t+2:26 - first hints of acid effects
<br>
<br>
t+2:45 - acid is definitely there
<br>
<br>
t+3:15 - starting to notice acid visuals - rippling color on walls, general blurriness
<br>
<br>
t+3:55 - this feels no different than one single tab of acid
<br>
<br>
t+4:05 - fuck it. eat 20 mg 2C-B
<br>
<br>
t+4:31 - enhanced visual effects - rippling, etc. due to 2C-B?
<br>
<br>
t+4:40 - a little jaw clench?
<br>
<br>
t+4:50 - clear 2C-B visuals
<br>
<br>
And then I stopped taking notes. I felt like I had taken one hit of acid followed by 20 mg of 2C-B.
<br>
<br>
I was completely baffled. Both the acid and 2C-B felt exactly as they would have without the MDPR - or at least what I thought was MDPR - that I had eaten first. Had the wizard given me MDIP, N-isopropyl-MDA, instead of N-propyl-MDA? Or something else?
<br>
<br>
Still tripping, I embarked on a wild subway ride to visit an oracle. I brought him a sample of the supposed MDPR, explained my situation, and asked him if he could tell me what it was. The oracle did a melting point test and told me it melted at 191-191.5 degrees C, right on the money according to Shulgin. Two days later the oracle contacted me and said that he had put the MDPR in his NMR spectrometer, and it was in fact MDPR. He also said the first wizard was no fool, because the sample was at least 97% pure.
<br>
<br>
Okay, so what was wrong with my brain chemistry? The only possibility I could think of was that the MDMA I had taken two and a half days earlier was strongly cross-tolerant with MDPR.
<br>
<br>
Then the explanation hit me like a lungful of amyl nitrite: I had taken a single pill of Prozac a few hours after the MDMA to reduce the chances of frying my brain. Prozac's half-life is several days, so I undoubtedly had a bunch of it still blocking serotonin reuptake. Prozac nullifies the effects of a subsequent dose of MDMA, and it could probably nullify the effects of MDPR too. Now this was an explanation that made sense. I'd have to wait a couple weeks for it to go away.
<br>
<br>
Time passes. And finally I have time to try MDPR again.
<br>
<br>
t+0:00 - eat 180 mg MDPR. had a small lunch 1:20 ago.
<br>
<br>
t+0:15 - something indistinct
<br>
<br>
t+0:23 - slight desensitization of touch; an indistinct and mild stimulated feeling - alertness
<br>
<br>
t+0:45 - body stimulant sensation - fingers tingle a little
<br>
<br>
t+1:25 - feelings have plateaued. no mental effect. body feels stimulated but relaxed. but there is the occasional feeling of stiffness or tenseness in the limbs and fingers, like a sharp tingle.
<br>
<br>
t+1:50 - spent the last 10 minutes driving to a friend's house. driving skills are completely unaffected by the MDPR.
<br>
<br>
t+1:55 - hungry
<br>
<br>
t+2:00 - eat 1.5 tabs of acid (same kind as the first MDPR experiment)
<br>
<br>
t+2:22 - first hints of acid
<br>
<br>
t+2:53 - acid feels pretty normal. it's getting a little harder to write.
<br>
<br>
t+3:30 - feels similar to acid still.
<br>
<br>
t+3:50 - there is a different body sensation here
<br>
<br>
t+4:30 - definite different body sensation... but not much. mentally, feels like 1.5 hits of acid.
<br>
<br>
And once again I stopped taking notes, mostly because writing seemed like too much of a challenge and was not what I felt like doing. There was something different happening. The acid had more of a body high. Not a feeling of energy, tightness, fatigue or outright stimulation, just simply *high*. This high seemed to be in the same class as an MDMA/MDA/MDE high, but was much more mild.
<br>
<br>
I did not notice much mental change at all. The level of visuals, complexity of thoughts, etc. seemed to be just what I would expect from 1.5 hits of acid. About six hours after taking the acid, I looked back at the way I'd been feeling and I could not identify any noticeable alteration from the MDPR except for this comforatable, friendly but undeniably subtle body sensation. The intensity of this sensation was more than what the MDPR had produced before I took the acid, so synergy between the two drugs had come into play.
<br>
<br>
Around this time, a friend of mine started playing with a frighteningly freaky audio-feedback program he had written for his Macintosh. We gave a microphone to another friend (who had taken 2C-I) and let him talk to himself. He'd hear clips of his voice from seconds to minutes ago and be reminded of what he was thinking of previously, and he literally had a conversation with himself for the next 10-15 minutes. This was endlessly fascinating to everyone in the room (all of whom were tripping). I was surprised how long this game held my interest and how much it made me think about the nature of conversations and how internal and external stimuli influence the direction and content of a dialogue. We kept playing with my friend's program for a couple of hours and had a great time.
<br>
<br>
Like many people, I am a little wary of LSD because of the way it makes me introspective and the way my mind can get caught in loops that sometimes spiral away in undesirable directions. Recently I have been feeling a lot better about my life in general. During this MDPR/LSD experiment, I sometimes found myself thinking about things that have bothered me in the past, and about things that bother me still, and it seemed much easier to put those thoughts aside and not dwell on them. This is certainly due in part to my overall better attitude, but it may also be due in part to the MDPR, but this is pure conjecture. In any case I was very happy to have had an acid trip that was all-around good for the first time in quite a while!
<br>
<br>
But the strong synergy between the MDPR and LSD that Shulgin wrote about was not there. A few weeks earlier a friend of mine had tried the MDPR/LSD combination, and he told me that there was a definite difference, but that it was far milder than Shulgin described. He didn't seem to be able to explain it well, but did say that it was mostly body-oriented. It's been tough for me to explain the differences too. I wonder why we haven't been able to reproduce Shulgin's results. We know the MDPR is good. Acid quality, maybe? I can't say.
<br>
<br>
So let's try an experiment without LSD. The psychedelic drug I hold closest to my heart is 2C-B, since it was the first psychedelic I ever took and it has been perpetually interesting and fun the countless times I've taken it since. So I know it well, I can measure it with milligram precision, and I should be able to identify any synergy with MDPR. I chose to take 25 mg of 2C-B, which is the minimum I consider necessary to get me to about a +++ level.
<br>
<br>
t+0:00 (8:45 pm) - eat 170 mg MDPR. Had a filling dinner at 6:00.
<br>
<br>
t+0:20 - go shopping at home depot
<br>
<br>
t+1:00 - return from home depot. mild effects, pretty much the same as last time.
<br>
<br>
t+1:50 - eat 25 mg 2C-B
<br>
<br>
t+2:20 - starting to feel the 2C-B. I'm in a cool room, but my palms are a little sweaty.
<br>
<br>
t+2:30 - muscle twitchiness, in my legs. visual effects starting.
<br>
<br>
t+2:37 - dim vibrations with eyes closed
<br>
<br>
t+2:47 - 2C-B is starting to take hold. the body sensations seem different.
<br>
<br>
(I listened to music for a while here)
<br>
<br>
t+3:50 - smoke marijuana - a couple hits of bud, several more hits of strong iso-hash.
<br>
<br>
t+4:20 - a bit more off-balance when walking around. I don't think this would happen with 2C-B alone. the pot had strong synergy. music much more mesmerizing. body sensations continue - easy to ignore where body is. visuals have returned.
<br>
<br>
t+4:50 - my mind seems to wander quite a bit more now - it is harder pay attention to music. maybe change the music? smoke a little more too. the general body sensation for this trip seems to be that my body matters less - it feels like less. it isn't getting in my way. very comfortable. as time goes on, it becomes more obvious how the MDPR is making things different. so it was with LSD too.
<br>
<br>
t+5:10 - 2C-B is starting to weaken
<br>
<br>
t+7:00 - spent the last hour and a half reading the beginning of PIHKAL and enjoying it greatly.
<br>
<br>
As the 2C-B wore off, the MDPR disappeared with it. On a pure intensity scale, the MDPR definitely made the 2C-B more intense than what I would usually expect from 25 mg. It might have been more like 27 or 28 mg - a small mass difference, but noticeable to anyone familiar with 2C-B.
<br>
<br>
The music I listened to was enjoyable. I recognized all the 2C-B effects I know and love. Music was spacious and I was attentive to the textures of instruments and samples. The signature body blur and delocalization of 2C-B was there too, and the MDPR seemed to make this a bit more important than usual. While listening to good music during previous 2C-B trips, the body seems forgettable, as the mind plows through the universe of the music. With MDPR, I was more interested in observing my body diffuse inward and outward as I laid still and time passed.
<br>
<br>
I went to sleep a little after 8 am, and I needed to take a pill of melatonin to make going to sleep easier. I woke up a few times but slept for a totally unexpected 15 hours. The drugs must have had something to do with this. Mentally, however, I felt normal.
<br>
<br>
In retrospect, my first Prozac-tainted experiment might have borne more fruit if I hadn't been expecting more obvious effects... and if I hadn't added that 2C-B, which was poor experimental technique but did make for a very fun night. I do believe, though, that the Prozac made the ordinarily subtle effects of MDPR even more difficult to find.
<br>
<br>
Many people think that Shulgin's dose estimates in PIHKAL and TIHKAL are generally on the low side - he seems to get more 'bang for the buck' than many people. He and his research group have trained themselves to learn as much as possible from every experience, even weak and indistinct ones. So it might have been with Shulgin's comments on MDPR. I'm very familiar with psychedelics, and it has been a challenge for me to characterize what MDPR does. Maybe this is because the territory is new. I have only explored single drugs or combinations of active drugs, never 'primers' which are virtually inactive on their own. I could see how, if I had more primer experience, I would be able to see more of what MDPR is doing.
<br>
<br>
After these experiments I am intrigued by how primers work and what they do. The feeling of an essentially inactive drug rising from the depths of my mind, encouraged by a familiar psychedelic, then dropping back into the shadows is new to me.
<br>
<br>
Now we come to some of the most important questions: Is MDPR useful, and if so, why? Would I take it again? Is there any reason I would not take it, or why others shouldn't take it?
<br>
<br>
MDPR seems to be a fairly 'safe' drug, though I realize that 'safety' is very tough to define at the bleeding edge of amateur psychedelic chemistry. Some drugs (mushrooms, 2C-B) seem to be at peace with my body and mind, while others (MDMA, MDA) feel like they are doing something bad, somewhere inside me. MDPR feels better than MDMA or MDA. It does not seem to have any lingering effects like post-MDMA depression. Yet it has a stimulant nature that warrants attention. Do I have any reason to worry that occasional use will hurt me? No.
<br>
<br>
MDPR seems to smooth out some of the physical bumps of LSD and 2C-B. During these experiments my body never felt out of whack, stressed or disturbed. I simply felt energized and perceptive of my body. MDPR also seems to put me in a good mood, though as I said earlier it's not clear if it's the MDPR or just my recent better outlook on life that has made these experiments so satisfying. I thought about some very personal topics during the most recent experiment, and I didn't get dragged down by them.
<br>
<br>
MDPR may be useful as a social lubricant for other psychedelics. While MDMA produces real emotional disinhibition and pure mood-elevating stimulants like (meth)amphetamine speed up the body and mind, MDPR seems to bring almost no character of its own. Instead, it seems to make a psychedelic experience more tangible and shareable with others. It may reduce anxiety.
<br>
<br>
I am not sure if I would ever choose to take MDPR if I didn't have an academic interest in it. In part I think this is because I don't yet know what it is really good for. I do think that MDPR is useful for something, and that it needs more study. I definitely want to take it again, simply because it is a thrill to explore the unknown. There are a couple ideas I have for future experiments. What if MDPR were taken a couple hours after a psychedelic, instead of before? This might make it easier to see the change that happens as the MDPR takes effect. I'd also like to try MDPR with mushrooms, because mushrooms are one of the most antisocial psychedelics I have taken, and it would be interesting to challenge shrooms with the pro-social effects of MDPR.
<br>
<br>
It is very exciting to try a virtually unexplored drug, especially when the drug turns out to be worthwhile. I hope that someday I'll have the chance to try a completely unexplored drug, following in Shulgin's footsteps. Dr. Shulgin did an awful lot of great work, but when you are familiar with what he has done, you begin to understand how many paths he had to leave untrodden, for other researchers to uncover. The study of inactive primers is an interesting side path to follow, and one that I think will lead to some enlightening discoveries.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2002</td><td width="90">ExpID: 11880</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 19, 2002</td><td>Views: 58,433</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=11880&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=11880&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">2C-B (52), LSD (2), MDPR (235) : Alone (16), Combinations (3), First Times (2), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2.5 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(gel tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">145 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
In highschool, I took LSD many times as a recreational drug until I ultimatly 'pierced the veil' on a few trips, with unpleasent mental results, and no longer take it. However, I know many people take LSD as a 'fun drug' and not as a tool for introspection, and I'm writing this as a warning of what can happen in the wrong set and setting.
<br>
<br>
I hadn't intended to trip on the day in question, but did so impulsively when someone offered me cheap geltabs. They were purple, and literally as thick as a guitar pick. I was unsure of how much to take, but ended up consuming 2-3 at around 11:00AM, figuring classes would be over (at 1:50) before the hardest part of the trip kicked in, and that I'd just skip my classes and wander around the campus/town anyway. I shortly thereafter remembered that I had a doctors appointment at 4:30, and that my mother was going to pick me up at 5:00 (it was my senior year, but I believe my license was suspended at the time due to traffic tickets). Based on what I've read, I'd put the dose at around 350 ug, but I have no real way of knowing.
<br>
<br>
An hour or so later, I got the usual body-kick/giggly feeling, intensification of light, patterns, etc, but soon realized things were going to go bad.... I'd be walking through the halls hearing fragments of conversation, and my mind would weave them into conversations about me, my name being called etc, I remember at one point laughing and saying to no one, 'THAT, is paranoia......'.
<br>
<br>
I got out of school, and decided (foolishly) that since pot usually has the effect of making me calm, it would calm me down enough to go to the doctors. I had $40 on me that I had been intending to spend on pot, I think my plan was to by a 1/2oz bag for 50, but had spent $10 on the acid, I'm not sure. So I went to the local park with a kid I knew, he was a heavy user of pot, and he agreed to help me around (I knew I was tripping too hard to walk around streets by myself) if I could give him a ride home, which I wasn't sure I could do, but I didn't feel that bad lying to him because I was really freaked out.
<br>
<br>
There were 3 people in a car in the park with some really strong nuggets, they wanted $40/eigth, and it was hard to talk to them, I kept getting paranoid. But I know I bought the bag and smoked a bowl with them and the person I was with, and really started to freak out..... I wandered around town (small town, just a crossroads, a strip of stores, etc) with him in a daze, at one point I really started to freak out and I said 'I'm having a bad trip' and he just kept saying, 'No, you're not', and that helped calm me down. But we kept smoking pot until finally I was laying on the roof of a building, staring at the trees above me, and they broke up in 100 other things, nymphs, dryads, etc, in my mind..... but it wasn't the sense of 'being everything' (or alternately, just that 'everything is one') that psychedelic doses of LSD can bring, this was just everything being out of control, broken, and I couldn't make sense of it.....
<br>
<br>
I remember being across the street from my school, and saying something about needing to get down off the roof, and my friend said, 'don't you know where we are?' and I said 'yes, we're on the roof of the pizza place', and he said 'no, look around, man, we left there a long time ago', and I realized he was right, or at least that I believed him, my abilty to interpret visual perceptions was destroyed, I was totally lost in my head, paranoid, I didn't even really know I was on a drug, I just knew I was lost and had to be back at the school at 4:30, I HAD to be there or else BAD THINGS would happen, I HAD to see my mother, it was like being lost at the mall when I was 5 and really scared and I just HAD TO FIND MY MOTHER because she could make it all right, except I knew it wasn't like that at all, and it was all coming in so damn fast I could't process it at all.
<br>
<br>
We got in a van with a bunch of people and the remainder of the pot was passed around and smoked, I remmeber seeing road signs and not knowing what they really meant, but somewhere in the back of my head I knew I had to be back in front of my school at 4:30, and I got obsessed with this, and I kept asking 'what time is it? What time is it?' and finally they got pissed and set all the clocks in the van to like 7PM, and I freaked out, but then we got back to the school, and a few minutes later my mother pulls up, and I manage to say 'can we give (my friend) a ride home?' and she says, 'no, you're going to be late', so I think he was pissed, he walked away, I got in the car and it was all weird and broken, I don't really remember it all that clearly, and she thought I was stoned and was mildly irritated and said, 'were you guys smoking pot?' and it seemed TOTALLY logical to say 'no, I'm on acid', and she got really pissed.
<br>
<br>
At the doctors they ended up just having me sit in a dark room for an hour until I'd calmed down and was somewhat lucid again, and they decided I needed to be removed from classes for 2 months (got to do work at home, yay) because my judgement about taking drugs was bad, AND my parents made me pay for the doctor's appointment, since it was pretty much a waste of money.
<br>
<br>
The moral here is, anyone can have a bad trip anytime, and yeah, at least at my HS there were a fair number of people who took low-to-mid dose LSD in school, but that doesn't make it a good idea. For some people this drug is a bad idea anytime, and I would very much recommend waiting until you're at least 20 or so to really screw around with it, because hopefully by then you'll be directed and independant enough to integrate the experience into your life. I've had major problems integrating the psychedelic expirience with my life, I think I was bound to have problems with anxiety/disassociation, I don't blame these personality traits on drugs, but I think LSD made them more visual in their nature.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1999</td><td width="90">ExpID: 6113</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Feb 13, 2002</td><td>Views: 36,131</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=6113&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=6113&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Post Trip Problems (8), Bad Trips (6), Various (28)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">160 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
As a young adolescent in the 1980s, I frequently experimented with all sorts of substances: Primarily marijuana, cocaine, amphetamines, psilocybin and LSD. Most of my use was recreational in nature, but I also had a bit of the mystic in me. I was deeply intrigued by the writings of Carlos Castaneda, for whom certain hallucinogens were considered consciousness-expanding, a route to an alternative reality, or a higher plane of being, so to speak. I also read Herman Hesse and William Burroughs, for whom altered states of consciousness were also a frequent topic.
<br>
<br>
In 1983, when I was 14 years old, I consumed a massive dosage of LSD while alone in my bedroom one night. Unfortunately I had no idea of the strength of the dosage ahead of time, but with my subsequent experience I would estimate the dose at 800 micrograms or more. But I had no way of knowing this at the time, nor did I have ANY idea what was in store for me . I believed that I was just going to partake in another light, fun, amusement-park sort of trip as I had experienced with much weaker doses.
<br>
<br>
It started out typically enough. If you've ever done a decent amount of LSD, you know how it goes. I sit around for an hour waiting for it to kick in, and then at some point I start to notice something different. My field of vision suddenly becomes very 'wavy'. Everything starts undulating in the strangest way. Walls and ceilings appear to be alive, as they waver, fluctuate, and so on, almost as if they are breathing. Moving objects leave 'trails' in the air. And yet, during the entire experience, my mind is relatively clear and normal. It isn't at all like being drunk, where I can literally feel my mind getting numb and my thoughts getting sloppy. Instead, my thoughts are as clear as a bell.
<br>
<br>
Then serious close-eye visions started. This is hard to imagine until you've actually seen it. Imagine the most gorgeous stain glass window you have ever seen, and then multiply it by a million, both in terms of complexity and artistic intensity. There is no way to convey this experience with words: You literally see colors and geometric patterns you have never seen before. It is absolutely mind-blowing! It is staggering when it happened, because I simply had no idea this kind of stuff can come out of the brain simply because of the ingestion of an extremely small quantity of some chemical.
<br>
<br>
I was also listening to music at the time, and the most amazing thing happened: the music and my visual hallucinations began to meld into one single stimulus! It is impossible to describe accurately with words, but I was literally seeing the sound! It was as if the sound itself was alive and had inhabited my visual patterns, such that it had a life of its own. Think of the most complicated music you can (Mozart, Schoenberg, Phillip Glass and so on) and try to imagine what it would look like if it were expressed visually as a series of patterns and colors flowing through time. My visions took on the quality of a train moving through space and time, constantly shifting and evolving in complexity.
<br>
<br>
What happened next is even more difficult to express with words, and I am forced to use a vague set of metaphors and adjectives which can do no justice. First, my inner field of vision became boundless. Think about how you normally see the outside world. Your eyes are almost like a camera; you see whatever is front of you, in whatever direction your eyes are pointed, and moreover you tend to focus on a single point in your field of vision. Your field of vision, while not completely two-dimensional, tends to look as such, like a movie-screen, but more complicated and detailed.
<br>
<br>
Our inner, imagined visions tend to reflect this outside field of vision; but there is no reason for this, the your inner eye has no boundaries. Try to imagine what it would be like if you could see not only in front of you, but also behind you, above you and below, all at the same time. And imagine that your vision was no longer focused on a single point, but rather, that you are 'taking in the view' from all angles at once. It was as if I had become a eyeball which sees in all directions, without focusing in any one direction at all. This was my experience.
<br>
<br>
Moreover, what I 'saw' was not the physical world around me, but rather the most beautiful light and color I could ever possible imagine in my wildest dreams, multiplied a million times over! However, to describe it as 'light and color' is entirely inadequate, because I was literally seeing colors I had never experienced before, and what I saw was intertwined with everything I heard, felt, and thought.
<br>
<br>
At this point, time and space became a meaningless concept. It was not as if time had stopped or frozen, because things were still changing dynamically, or 'moving along' in some sense, and yet I did not have a feeling of time passing by. It was as if my world were both alive and yet all at once altogether timeless. Somehow it just 'existed' and 'lived', but without a clock ticking along.
<br>
<br>
The other significant change was that the voice in my head stopped. Think about the way you go through life with that inner voice in your head. It is a constant, never-ending narrative that I speak to myself in my waking mind. If you've ever tried to silence that voice, you know how difficult that is. You try to make that voice stop talking, but inevitably, at some other level you begin talking to yourself about how your own mind is trying to stop the voice, and so on - it is very difficult to do this unless you have a lot of practice with meditation. (The only other time it happens is in sleep.)
<br>
<br>
It was then that I began to become aware of the presence of God. This is by far the most difficult part to convey in words, but I will once again try to do so by using metaphors, simply to convey a psychic impression of this experience.
<br>
<br>
Imagine that you are an adolescent who has lived alone in a completely enclosed room for your entire life. That is, try to imagine that you have lived all of your life alone in this one room, without every knowing that anybody else or any other world even exists. Then, imagine that all of a sudden that room opens up, and you are suddenly surrounded by thousands of other people just like yourself who have been watching you your entire life! Try to imagine how that would feel, living your entire life without ever realizing that there was anybody or anything outside of your little room -- and all of a sudden you discover that you are not alone, and that in fact, your little room has been surrounded by other beings like yourself, who have been observing you the entire time! Imagine that they would know everything about you, and think of how exposed you would feel, and yet at the same time, you would feel incredibly joyous, knowing that you are no longer alone! And although those outside people have witnessed your deepest darkest sins, they simply do not care about them! All they want to do is embrace you, and free you from your little room, welcoming you into their glorious, all-knowing and all-loving community!!
<br>
<br>
It is impossible to actually do so, but simply try to imagine how joyous and loved you would feel to actually meet these people for the first time, and to feel their warm embrace, their touch and their voices, their recognition and acknowledgment of your existence. Moreover, it is not like they are a bunch of strangers that you have never seen before. It is much more like you are meeting up with an ancient clan of lost soul-mates who understand you perfectly, and of whom you have been aware at some deep subconscious level all your life, but about whom you had completely forgotten when you were born!
<br>
<br>
I must emphasize, however, that although I talk about these presences as a plurality, it was also as if they were a single unity as well. They were many, but they were one. They saw with many eyes, but they thought with one mind. They saw the world from many angles, but they felt the same feelings, and knew the same things, with perfect telepathy and communication beyond words. Again, it is highly paradoxical, and I think it's truly impossible to grasp unless you have witnessed it for yourself.
<br>
<br>
What I then understood is that our normal, waking human reality is incredibly illusory. While the 'objective reality' is indeed real, our concrete perception of it is simply a highly limited, false reality which has become 'embedded' in our present frame of reference.
<br>
<br>
In the middle of all this, I became intensely aware of something else. Again, words fail me here, but I felt as if I were on the 'threshold' of Heaven itself. I was aware that I had a choice: If I so desired, I knew that I could 'die' right then and there. I would simply step forward into this Heaven, perhaps never again return to my human reality. However, I somehow knew that I was 'not supposed to enter' Heaven just then. I simply felt very strongly that I had an important purpose within my human existence, for which I was intended to return to the human world. And so I turned back.
<br>
<br>
(Here I need to point at that I'm having to explain this in narrative form, as if these were experiences passing through time, but again, it somehow it all happened 'at once', and all of this awareness I am describing suddenly became immediately apparent to me, in a timeless sort of way, as described above.)
<br>
<br>
And that was when I was ushered back not to my human existence, but to Hell itself. I immediately became completely overwhelmed with the sheer weight of timeless eternity, and the staggering vastness of infinity. While my ego had been allowed to dissolve beautifully on the threshold of death, now I began to struggle terribly to reconstruct my ego, to regain a foothold in my normal human existence. Just as my fleeting glimpse of Heaven was filled with undescribable joy, ecstasy and a timeless love, my subsequent experience in Hell was incredibly horrible and terrifying.
<br>
<br>
Again, here is a metaphor I will use to describe it, however inadequately: Whereas I had previously felt like an adolescent discovering the crowd of soul-mates outside of his enclosed room for the first time, I now felt like I was being locked back into that cell for eternity! Try to imagine the feeling of being that adolescent who, after being shown the loving and warm world of God outside of his little room, is suddenly condemned to locked back in that room like a prisoner in a solitary cell, for all of eternity! I was consumed with loneliness, and I felt that I had previously opened a door which I should not have opened. I felt as if I had committed an unforgivable sin for which I was now condemned forever, as if I had eaten the fruit from the forbidden tree.
<br>
<br>
Thus I was jolted out of my ecstatic state of mind, and suddenly became very aware of the physical world around me. I had a clock next to my bed, which superficially seemed to be ticking along normally, and yet every second that passed by seemed like a thousand years! Whereas time had previously become meaningless, all of a sudden it seemed to take on the force and momentum of a huge freight train crawling along at a rate of one inch per hour.
<br>
<br>
And while I could see the physical world around me, I was still being surrounded by visuals, and I desperately wanted to stop them, but I couldn't. Whereas they had previously appeared as unimaginably beautiful, they now seemed haunting and torturous. It was like being stuck in the worst horror movie I could possibly imagine!
<br>
<br>
If you have ever seen the movie 'Being John Malcovich', in which people are able to enter into the brain of Malcovich and experience his reality as if it were a movie of some sort, that is almost exactly how I felt in my own brain! I could see my own physical reality as if it were a movie in front of my eyes, and yet I was deeply divorced from it. I was aware that it was all an illusion, and yet I felt that it was an illusion from which I would never escape.
<br>
<br>
And whereas I had previously stopped the voice in my head completely, that voice now multiplied and took over again with a vengeance! I felt like there were several of these insidious voices in my head and I could not control any of them! It was very much like my inner voice was the engine of a car, and I was continually pressing the accelerator to the floor. Just when I thought I had it under some semblance of control, it would take off like a shot, like an uncontrollable madman, as if my brain were possessed.
<br>
<br>
At the same time, I became intensely aware of my physical body - Not only were my muscles full of cramps and aches, with my jaw aching terribly, but my insides literally felt like they were on fire. I felt as if I had swallowed a gallon of sulfuric acid. The very pit of my stomach and my throat burned as if I had been stuck with a white hot poker. Moreover, I could feel every bowel movement, and the blood coursing through my veins, and it was driving me mad. I repeatedly had to get up to go to the bathroom, and my feces and urine took on a detestable appearance, tinged with a sickening red. I was convinced that I had been thoroughly poisoned.
<br>
<br>
Moreover, I became dead convinced that I was stuck in this horrible state for eternity. I had more or less forgotten about the fact that I had ingested LSD. I was convinced that I had become Adam, who had eaten the forbidden apple from the tree of knowledge and was now being banished from Heaven for Eternity.
<br>
<br>
I simply cannot tell you the pain I endured for the next 5-6 hours, which quite literally seemed like eons of time, during which my hallucinations raged out of control and the voices in my head took over like a band of rioting madmen. I felt ineffably alone, cut off from all other life. And the worst part about it was that I was truly convinced that I had become separated from God and Heaven for all of Eternity....
<br>
<br>
How I ever managed to gain a foothold on reality again (despite, the drug wearing off) I will never know. All I can remember is that I finally fell asleep after what seemed like forever, and when I woke up, I felt vaguely normal again, albeit with a brain full of cobwebs.
<br>
<br>
After that experience, my life changed dramatically. For a long time, I swore off drugs of all kinds (including caffeine even). I became a strict vegetarian, became highly interested in Buddhism, and actually shaved my head bald like a Buddhist monk for several years. I adopted the most stringent of ascetic regimes, refusing myself the most basic pleasures. I went months without sexual activity of any sort (not even masturbation), and practiced the strictest discipline I could possibly muster.
<br>
<br>
After a number of years of this I eventually gravitated back to my carnal, human habits, but I never forgot what that experience was like. And to this day, I am still searching for that purpose, that feeling of meaning and destiny which was conferred to me on the threshold of Heaven, that mission for which I know I am destined on this physical earth....<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1983</td><td width="90">ExpID: 6591</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Mar 1, 2002</td><td>Views: 35,019</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=6591&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=6591&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Alone (16), Mystical Experiences (9), Difficult Experiences (5)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
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<div class="report-text-surround">
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<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 7:45</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.5 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 8:15</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.5 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">inhaled</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/nitrous/">Nitrous Oxide</a></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">58 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I was brought up in a relatively drug-free environment. I knew my dad used to smoke weed, eat shrooms and lsd, but we didn't really talk about it much till rather recently. At 16, I got a job at a movie cinema, working with angry young teenagers in a job where you really feel like you're trash. Ecstasy and raves came around, I first tried MDMA shortly after getting my job. Next came weed, which produced oddly hallucinogenic results for me... Friends smoking the same stuff would remark at how it sent me to la-la land so quickly. I should add that it was extremely psychological (which I loved) but it's unplesant effects outweighed any enjoyment I derived from the psychological effects... LSD interested me greatly. All of it's effects, other than the extremely frightening possibility of 'unwanted spiritual change' and a bad trips, beckoned me to try it. I didn't just want a hallucinogen, I wanted a psychoactive...
<br>
<br>
Being 17 and in my final year of school didn't help much... I read endlesly about LSD and finally got some information out of my father on it. It's interest grew on me inexplicibly. I was eager to try it, but knew if I did it as an 'on the spot' thing, I'd probably fuck my mind up terribly. I had to plan it out... Have a small dose with good friends in a lounge environment. This was what I thought...
<br>
<br>
Myself, one long term friend, four others I've known for about six months and one stranger gathered on a belt of grass which looks over Sydney Harbour, namely the Opera House. We had one goal - to be at Home Nightclub by seven in the morning so someone could hook up... I knew some of them were tripping, and personally I thought I might down some DXM as it seemed like a stupid place to have my first acid experience... Busy city, late night, etc. I sucked down one hit of blotter paper at 9.15pm. After an hour, sitting in the same area, the others begun laughing like there was no tomorrow... Keep in mind I had never even been around anyone who was tripping before, so I had to have it explained to me that this was the trip coming on. I felt nothing. At 10.15 I reached for my wallet and took a second one.
<br>
<br>
At eleven, just under two hours since I'd taken the first hit we moved along the belt, parallel with Macquarie street and the Botannical gardens to an artwork on a hill were the strip of grass came to an end. It was an arrangement of sandstone shapes, all of which were girders, arches, etc from fallen buildings. I felt strangely intoxicated... My mind felt as if it had been strangely lubriacted by some chemical... My thoughts were powerful, deep and strange. Sitting on one of those sandstone blocks which was supposed to be a coloumn for an old building, talking with (of all people) the stranger (who shall be known as T from now on) I realised I wasn't focusing on anything. I was moving my eyes every few seconds... I looked straight down and focused on the grass. Every single blade was vibrating and pivoting at the root at the same time... the individual blades had little purple tinges around the edges of them... Utterly astounded by this, I stood up and watched as they continued their vibrating &amp; pivoting across the whole field... Blink after blink, it didn't cease. T whipped me into it with her trippy behaviour. It was time to move, we walked to the street and under an overpass... It had a plain grey wall, on it I noticed what looked like a glass pannel (it wasn't) over a vibrating mass of confusing holograms... I put my hand on it and felt rushes up my arm... I thought I saw colours at my finger tips where I was making contact with the hallucination.
<br>
<br>
I felt very odd, but in a pleasant way. I looked up at the high rise buildings, which rippled (they bent and reshaped) with my thoughts... Whatever I put into my mind somehow manifested into hallucinations. Next came what must make some old time trippers nostalgic... A series of street lamps (lighting up the path we were on) were not quite the way they usually are... Their poles were bending and moving in a circular fashion. The large perspex sphere on top changed in that it looked like a stress ball getting squeezed... The circle of light they each provided moved around on the ground accordingly. It made me think of the fairy tales and such that had been inspired by the drug. I felt like my mind was a powerful, creative machine... Pumping out thoughts, vibrations and emotions in different ways... All showing up in my hallucinations, which were everywhere &amp; so intense by this point (it was about 12) that I could hardly make out what was twenty meters infront of me...
<br>
<br>
We had a slight problem. The only other person whos first trip it was, B, was freaking out something vicious. Even our nannies were tripping, so moving from place to place took hours. We reached Hyde Park at about 1.30... The visuals I was getting took me over... I clung to T, not scared but a little edgy. I wont explain my hallucinations in the park, but I'll use the following words and you can get an idea yourself: colours, shapes, time, emotion, feeling, overpowering, everywhere and reality?
<br>
<br>
At this point, roughly 2am, I realised I couldn't tell you where I was, other than saying 'Hyde Park' as I'd been told that's where we were. A friend of many years turned up. He sat on the bricks infront of me and proceeded tesselate with and melt into them... I smoked a cigearette - I felt it spread through my body, like a polluting force... I could almost see it happening too. The fountain did not take a solid form in the entire time we were there. Myself and F named a tree in the dark and pissed on it. My urine was extremely colourful, and it carried its colour on to the tree, before dropping onto the surrounding leaves.
<br>
<br>
Completely dumbfounded by this astonishingly creative and dreamy state of mind I had slipped into I talked a little. My thoughts raced, they pumped through my mind, developing and evolving as the words came out of my mouth to the point where when I uttered a few words to myself they'd changed with my thoughts as I spoke... Hence 'cantbelievintensohmcoloursarmythoughts' and such... I suppose that example doesn't do justice to the complexity, depth and rapid changing nature of the thoughts passing through my mind at that point. For many hours I could not compose a sentence.
<br>
<br>
Seventeen years old, tall &amp; thin, with equally intoxicated friends in Hyde Park on a friday night... Sounds like a recipie for disaster? I was not at all frightened. I could have let go - let fear taken me over, I know it... But I held on, and T congratulated me for not losing it as she had done on the same dose the week before... I had always thought of myself as a bit of a 'cosmic tripper', if you will... I love speed (not the drug), heights and other things... Flying a space ship through an asteroid field in a Star Wars video game was just so much fun... LSD is the drug I had been looking for. I can't quite word how I felt LSD connected with my mindset, but I'm sure others know what I'm talking about regardless of wording.
<br>
<br>
We decided to move down to Darling Harbour. I clung to T on the way, unsure of where the real roads were, which cars were real and watching the huge, towering buildings warping in and out with my thoughts. Colours spewed from neon signs, lights wobbled &amp; danced in circular patterns... If it were not for T, I would have crawled into a hole and waited for it to wear off. We walked past a loud, thumping party. I could see the music pumping out in translucent waves of colour... We got to Darling Harbour.
<br>
<br>
My mindset changed a little... Cockle bay wharf and in particular Home Nightclub have very odd designs... The water shimmered and mirrored my thoughts... My senses seemed to combine... I could feel what I could see, taste what I could hear, smell what I could feel... And thought was at the back of all of these... It was as if there was a tree graph of senses... Thought at the top, tieing taste, smell, touch, hearing and seeing together (which is normal, thought being my brain and the others my senses). The conneciton paths between them however, on LSD, had become two-way and new ones had grown to connect them all.
<br>
<br>
We sat in a playground, near the Imax theatre and below two freeways. I continued to trip balls... Everything that was vertical waved around, grew, shrunk, etc. Shadows turned into pools of water, then started shrinking... While they shrunk, I'd notice there was a gap in the bricks sucking them down... Vines grew from uncanny places, etc. I described what I was seeing to a long time tripper who replied that she'd 'give the devil a blowjob' to be where I was...
<br>
<br>
At about 4.30am, I started coming down. The visuals were much less intense, but my thoughts were still just as fucked. I got a bit wobby. A few friends who were in Sublime@Home that night came out to say hi to all of us... I got a Green ? of one of them and ate half of it at 5am... At 5.30, the MDMA packed little sucker hit me. The familiarity of MDMA crept through me... The acid came back on with it. I dropped the other half at 5.45 or so.
<br>
<br>
Sitting outside Home Nightclub I looked across the water. The sun had come up, it was almost 6. The novotel was waving... Pulsating with my heartbeat, the sun casting a golden glow across the windows, which, with every heart beat and shimmer of the building looked like they were spitting out little gold sparks... It was wonderful, intense and overpowering... I plan on candyflipping again. My mind was relatively weakened by this point, but I was off my chops. Body rushes, the city waving, my feet melting into the ground... I referenced back to T, my symbol of the real world for most of the night...
<br>
<br>
I bought all the nitrous bulbs we could find (40) and we walked to Centennial (spelling?) Park. We sat down and had them. They kicked the acid back in a little... I came down off the pill at about 9am. I was still tripping a little... Tiny vibrations though buildings, people, etc. I caught a bus home and had a very tricky discussion with my father at about 12 mid day. My pupils were still the size of saucers...
<br>
<br>
I sat in my room, collecting my thoughts, etc. I should add that I had an attention span of about 10 seconds, my eyes were tired and I felt really worn out. I was scattered as all shit... Any MDMA user will know what I mean by that. Combine MDMA scatteredness with acid scatteredness and you have one really boring, silent and pathetic day. I slept at 1pm, till 5pm. Ate some food, put on some music, spoke to a few friends and went to sleep for the night.
<br>
<br>
I was scared of LSD. I thought it would drive me insane in an open environment, or even if I just went for a drive with someone when tripping. LSD utterly amazing... I couldn't explain it in a sentence, so the conclusion here will probably be directed at the use of acid, not its effects. This is my notice to first time trippers that they should not be afraid of bad trips or unwanted spiritual change as it can be easily avoided if you know your mind. This may sound cocky, but I've known I have a strong mind for a long time. If you think you don't go easier than I did... Step it down... Go for the lounge setting or a smaller dose... Get closer friends to look after you. I had an awesome time on a heavy dose, with a total stranger (now a good friend) in the middle of the urban jungle.
<br>
<br>
Enough rambling from me... I hope I've helped in some way.
<br>
<br>
Good luck and remember that acid is a truly rewarding experience... Don't be afraid of it.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 9585</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jul 8, 2002</td><td>Views: 42,974</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=9585&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=9585&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">MDMA (3), LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Glowing Experiences (4), Combinations (3), First Times (2)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
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<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">140 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I had experimented with different psychedelic drugs from age 16 and taken LSD many times, always enjoyable and sometimes inspiring. On 1/4/69 we were given some red tablets of LSD that had a solid reputation among our peers for being very 'clean' yet strong. Normally I always made sure to trip on nice days with a close friend or two. This time however we dropped about 7:30 PM and the weather was cold, dark and wintry.
<br>
<br>
After taking one tab, about an hour later we were having some very intense and pleasant visual color hallucinations and body rushes, so like fools, we decided to 'intensify' and drop another tab (stupid... I almost never do this, as I end up coming on to one dose and starting to peak on the earlier dose at the same time).
<br>
<br>
About an hour later as the second tab was starting to hit hard, every sensation (visual, audio, sensual/physical, .. all senses) that had previously been pleasant began to 'mutate' into discomfort. It was accompanied by anxiety, extreme nervousness, and it became impossible &amp; uncomfortable to sit, lie down or stand still. I could not bear to look at anything, listen to anything, feel anything, stand or sit anywhere, talk to anyone, or be by myself. I could not breathe without concentrating every muscle in my upper chest to do so.
<br>
<br>
Time slowed to a crawl. All I wanted to do was get out of my body &amp; mind, escape my skin, or somehow find a way to make this experience stop immediately.
<br>
<br>
These awful sensations continued to intensify for another hour until neither I nor my friends knew what to do. Like unprepared fools, we had no thorazine, etc. Fearing I was either going to go insane or die, my companions eventually decided that, cops be damned, they were going to call an ambulance.
<br>
<br>
They gathered up all drugs/paraphenalia,etc. in the apartment, called the hospital, and left. I did not want them to stay and have to deal with hostile cops, risking arrest...don't forget, they were tripping heavily too, though not bumming like I was. In those days, anyone involved in any type of drug-related situation went directly to jail.
<br>
<br>
They left the front door open for the medics and police. I lay in bed in the back bedroom until I heard the ambulance siren coming in the distance.
<br>
Two cops came in first, shined a flashlight in my face, determined it was safe for the medics, and then I was strapped to a guerney and taken downstairs, outside, and placed in the ambulance.
<br>
<br>
At about that same time, just as it felt things could get no worse, as I lay strapped on the guerney in the ambulance all of a sudden there was a strong sensation inside my head that could only be described as feeling something bursting and then 'melting' over my brain. Instead of causing more pain or anxiety, it had the opposite effect, best described as a gradual and merciful release of pressure inside my skull. I slowly began to sink into a quiet, almost comatose state, but still awake and with my eyes slightly open. I still remember vividly how intense the wildly swirling colors were inside and outside the ambulance as the paramedic drove through the cold night with the bright spinning overhead ambulance lights on but quietly cruising without the siren to the hospital.
<br>
<br>
By the time we arrived and I had been transferred to a bed in the emergency room, I had already begun to recover. After about a half an hour of examination and some continued, repetitive &amp; ridiculous inquisition from emergency room nurses ('What's your name? how old are you,' etc.) I was left alone. Unbelievably I hopped out of the bed and began to walk around the emergency ward, tripping out like some space cadet on all the gunshot victims, attempted suicides, etc. and remarkably feeling almost completely recovered and relaxed. Trippin' in the trauma center...
<br>
<br>
Out of curiosity, boredom I went through all the drawers near my bed. I helped myself to a few souvenirs, including some ammonia poppers and a hemostat that later on became a great roach clip.
<br>
<br>
Souvenirs in hand (pockets actually) I proceeded to walk out of the hospital. In all the weekend emergency-room chaos, only one person on staff noticed I was leaving. He asked me where was I going and told me I had to stay until I was released by a doctor. I replied that I was fine, and 'I'm getting the hell out of here.'
<br>
<br>
Instead of protesting or calling a cop he pushed a hospital form in my face and said, 'Sign this, .. it says you've been treated.' I laughed, so did he, I signed the paper and walked out the door into the street. I walked all the way home (about 3 miles) through the city streets, still tripping mildly and very relieved to have survived a truly awful night virtually (I thought) unscathed.
<br>
<br>
A week later I convinced myself I should not let this one negative experience scare me out of regular and recreational LSD use. Like a stubborn idiot ('get back on the horse') I got some more of the exact same acid from the same guy and dropped one tab again.
<br>
<br>
About an hour later, there were almost no rushes or colors, but I began to feel the exact same type of symptoms &amp; anxieties again, only greatly reduced in intensity. I decided that my body/brain, nature/whatever was trying to tell me that I had been pushing my luck too often. I had been taking increasing amounts more frequently &amp; trying to regain the initial 'magic' feeling I had felt when I first took LSD, without giving my mind/body/psyche enough time to take it all in and recover. In short.... the party was over.
<br>
<br>
I continued to occasionally experience minor flashbacks and brief but noticeable anxiety attacks for approximately 6 months to 1 year after 'hell night' &amp; didn't completely recover and return to normal (whatever that is) until about 12 months later. Even smoking a little marijuana had the effect of bringing on minor anxiety, paranoia and flashbacks. I stopped taking drugs of any kind for about 4 years.
<br>
<br>
I consider myself fortunate to be able to look back and laugh at my immature and reckless stupidity and lack of respect for what is a very powerful substance. IMHO, LSD should to be treated with respect.
<br>
<br>
I now enjoy cannabis (I love Amsterdam and go there occasionally for a month or so to sample the world-class weed &amp; hash), but I doubt that I will ever find a reason or desire to take acid again. I enjoyed LSD and must have tripped happily and successfully about 25 times, which for me was more than enough to retain some insight and something positive from the experience. I feel great, and since my mind and spirit ain't broke, I'm not going to try to fix it.
<br>
<br>
I hope no one reading this ever has a bad trip like the one described above, and that your LSD experiences are peaceful, pleasant, fun and enlightening.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1969</td><td width="90">ExpID: 18533</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 30, 2002</td><td>Views: 48,065</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=18533&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=18533&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Post Trip Problems (8), Bad Trips (6), Hospital (36)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
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<tr><td><a href="/experiences/exp.cgi?A=ShowAuthor&amp;ID=97"><img src="/experiences/images/authors/author_logo_default_grn.gif" alt="author logo" align="right" border="0"></a>
</td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:15</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">120 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">110 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
June 2002
<br>
<br>
My partner and I were traveling through the southwestern States, camping in magical forests, deserts, mountain ranges and near beaches. We were each exploring ourselves and our own minds, both independently but also together. On this particular afternoon we were setting up camp in the Valley of Fire, which is located just about 40 minutes outside of Las Vegas, NM. It was about 110 degrees outside and the sun was shining brightly overhead, but by the time we arrived and set up our gear the sun was saying goodbye and dusk was falling upon us. I was looking very forward to this combination since I had quite a bit of experience with both LSD and MDMA separately but had never taken the two together. We finished setting up our gear and took the LSD before the sun had set completely, seeing as it was a bit longer lasting than the MDMA.
<br>
<br>
We had the perfect camping spot. There was no one else around us and we were off the road a ways, hidden from late arriving site prospectors. We also had a terrific blood red sandstone wall to hide us, which had a roomy hole that had been formed by the wind and was large enough for us to spread out our sleeping bag and put a boom box into it. We could lay up there comfortably, just high enough to be a ways from the ground, and watch the stars and sip our hot tea.
<br>
<br>
The rock was still warm from the afternoon sun and although my environment felt perfect my body did not. About one hour after ingesting the LSD, I felt a strong urge to vomit. I have been nauseous from LSD before, but had never thrown up. This vacation had been rather hard on my body; I was biking and hiking even more than usual, living on only granola and fruit and exploring the realities of the psychedelic world once every few days – after all, it was vacation. Actually, I think it was the tea on an empty stomach that pushed me over the edge because after I rid my stomach of it I felt so much better.
<br>
<br>
I was clearly feeling the effects of the LSD. My body produced an internal vibrating sensation and the stars were entertaining me with their dances above my head. The sky was particularly clear, just as I remembered previous overnight stays in the Valley. Because we were in a valley the city lights from Vegas did not pollute the sky. My partner, who always notices the effect of a psychedelic much sooner than I, suggested we take the MDMA, so that we did. Several feet above the ground, lying in our warm cubby carved in stone and listening to Radiohead’s Kid A I could not have been more content.
<br>
<br>
LSD seems to penetrate every particle that composes the Erica as I know her. I cannot direct or control the effects of this material, nor do I wish to be able to do so. In fact, I choose not to experiment with LSD very often because it is so powerful that I need quite a bit of time between takes to truly incorporate my experience into daily life. By the time the MDMA began to show itself to me, I was already at a plus three but still felt the presence of my body. My inner thinker was still thinking and I felt somewhat uncomfortable in my body and was unsure of where this trip was heading. A state of total relaxation was a bit difficult to achieve because of this, and my partner and I were distant in mind as he was floored from this combination several minutes before me. So, I just accepted my thinker and went with the thoughts rather than dwell on the fact that they kept creeping in.
<br>
<br>
About 40 minutes after taking the MDMA the effects were fully noticeable and I was quickly leaving my body behind. In fact, there was no longer a thinker to turn off, nor was there even an Erica to experience the thinker. I had now become one of those stars that I was so actively watching, and I was dancing high above what we know of as Earth, with other strange sources of energy that felt calm but electric. I was fortunate enough to be at a plus four by this point; my human body had dissolved into pure existence. Each and every particle that makes up who I am had separated and defined itself in the world, it was as if my particles were now those same stars I was enjoying earlier. I could literally see each particle, millions of them independent of one another, glowing and revolving around one another. The MDMA brought on a cornucopia of emotions, feelings of oneness, love, joy, bliss, contentment, and peace.
<br>
<br>
The other energies surrounding me were sharing these feelings with me and also seemed to be interacting with my particles. I suppose the only way to describe this interaction would be to say that my physical had eluded my mental, and was left behind in the red stone wall, leaving my mind to wander freely throughout the universe and its various dimensions of time and space. Through this separation of mind and body I was able to interact with other minds and exchange information and knowledge, not of any particular topic per se, but rather some sort of universal knowledge that I would not fully understand at this juncture in my life. However, it all seemed to make perfect sense to me while I was experiencing this exchange, and even now I do not question what was so intimately shared with me. As Radiohead so eloquently put it, everything was in its right place.
<br>
<br>
As far as the visual world appeared, my particles were white lights, glowing so brightly in the blackness of the night sky. I recall my partner asking, “why is the sky so black”, to which I replied, “because the sky is infinite, and infinity has no color.” Against the black sky I experienced such infinity, a realm where time and space had no meaning and where minds were free to exchange information without encumbrance, where there were no questions to be asked. The whiteness of the energies completed the picture, one in which opposites were inseparable, complementary, and mutually supplanted by each other. Each particle of energy was vibrating slightly and rotating around nearby particles, yet their source could not be specified. Everything belonged to one another, there was no particular identity within the ocean of molecules and it was beyond beautiful. We were not competing to share what we knew with one another, all were free to release information simultaneously with no interference from one another.
<br>
<br>
As I slowly returned I felt thankful and blessed to have been given such a special experience. It is all too often that I get caught up in my daily rituals only to forget the bigger picture. On a bit of a side note, while my partner and I were both returning to our bodies I noticed something casting a shadow on our rock. I recall thinking, and perhaps even saying aloud, that I saw a mouse but dismissed it since I was tripping.
<br>
<br>
<br>
My partner, however, jumped up and insisted that we relocate because he felt something crawling on his arm and it felt much too large to be a bug. After jumping down from our claimed space in the stone, we were surprised to see that we were sharing it the entire time with a cute little desert mouse. It was scurrying around the rock through various little holes, and hanging out by the fire that we had built earlier. The only concern that I had was that where there are desert mice there are also hungry desert snakes, so we abandoned our hole for the evening and relaxed in the red sand by our fire. The next morning we found that we must have been sharing the space with several mice, as their droppings were scattered throughout smaller spaces beyond where we were lying. Although I did not mind the fact that these curious visitors surrounded me I was happy that none had crawled into our warm sleeping bag, invading my personal space.
<br>
<br>
This trip reminded me of my place in this universe, which was rather humbling. It further reminded me that my experience of the world is relative to my perspective. I firmly believe that the optimal experience involves freeing myself from slavish commitment to convention, which enables me to then see clearly and act spontaneously and unobtrusively. Thus, life as a human is like perceiving the world through rose colored glasses, and tripping is like removing those glasses and getting a glimpse of the universe for what it truly is. I cannot imagine taking this combination indoors or in public, as it will be reserved only for the most special of occasions.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2002</td><td width="90">ExpID: 20716</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 24, 2003</td><td>Views: 49,843</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=20716&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=20716&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">MDMA (3), LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Glowing Experiences (4), Combinations (3), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
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<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.25 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:45</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.25 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.25 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:15</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.25 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:59</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> repeated</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/tobacco/">Tobacco - Cigarettes</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">160 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
My father was a few years too old to be a hippy but not too old to be a bit of a head. We grew up as best friends and (for better or worse) it was he who introduced me to marijuana and alcohol. To this day we both share a fondness for pharmaceutical opiates that keeps us searching for the perfect buzz.
<br>
<br>
We were a middle-class family - not rich by any means but we had what we wanted. My father was addicted to travel, something that he passed on to me. When my senior year of High School was in full swing my father gave me a choice: At graduation you can have a new car OR we can backpack across Asia for three months.
<br>
<br>
New car or Asia? New car or Asia? Hmmmm - which one would you choose?
<br>
<br>
So before long we had our 'round the world' tickets in hand and the day came for us to leave. My uncle and a number of friends were at our house to say goodbye and we departed - with a stop at Grandma's house on the way to the airport. As we were leaving Grandma's my uncle tore into the driveway with his car. He had forgotten to give us something. He reached into his pocket, pulled out his wallet and dug out two hits of blotter acid. 'I know that the right time and place for you to experience this will become apparent,' he told me. We hid the two hits in my father's camera. (I won't reveal where as it is a hiding place that continues to serve me well.)
<br>
<br>
Fast forward three months and after visiting a number of countries and seeing and doing the most amazing things and meeting wonderful people and making wonderful friends we found ourselves in Srinigar, the capital of Kashmir in Northern India. Because of border violence with Pakistan I don't think its easy to get to Srinigar anymore, but back then we reached it with relative ease. We stayed on a houseboat in Srinigar on beautiful Lake Dal. For some reason the English never took complete control of Kashmir and it remained under the rule of a Maharaja who enforced a law stating that no English could own land in Kashmir. The English wanted to be there in the Himalayan foothills to escape the unbearable summer heat in the rest of India. To circumvent the 'no land ownership' law they built elaborate palace-like houseboats - thousands of them - all to sit on the lake.
<br>
<br>
By the time we got there in the late 80s the British were of course gone and the houseboats were all privately owned and the focal point of a huge tourist business in this city - mostly for wealthy Hindus from the south trying to escape from the heat, but for adventurous Westerners as well. The boat we ended up on was the 'Omar Khayyam' (all the boats had names) and it was owned and run by a muslim family. The father's name was 'Golem' which I got a kick out of being a LOTR fan. The boats were usually big enough to accomodate more than one party and so we were soon joined on the Omar Khayyam by a charming Irish couple with whom we hit it off immediately. Golem scored some hash for us (he said he could get us a kilo of hash for USD$100 if we wanted...) and we spent several days in the fantastic Himalayan air relaxing, reading and getting to know one another.
<br>
<br>
We (my father, myself and the Irish couple, 'J&amp;M' from here on) decided that we wanted to go up into the Himalayan mountains east to the ancient Tibetan city of Leh in a semi-province of India called 'Ladakh.' Ladakh is the part of Tibet that falls on the Indian side of the border with China. It had also been the destination of tens of thousands of Tibetan refugees after the Chinese takeover of Tibet in 1959. Ladakh is not far from where the Dalai Lama himself makes his home in India. Getting there is a story unto itself, the brief version of which is that it took two full days in a Hindustani Ambassador (a popular Indian made car) as part of a military caravan to get to Leh, the capital of Ladakh on the most dangerous road I have ever seen. With the height of these mountains and their roads and the poor condition of them I would find it hard to believe that a more dangerous highway exists.
<br>
<br>
Anyway, we finally reached Leh and it was amazing. An ancient Tibetan town that was just beginning to be seriously touched by tourism. We found a hotel where all rooms opened onto a beautiful garden where an ancient ascetic in full Tibetan garb set chanting and spinning his prayer wheel for the entire time we were there - we never saw him eat or drink or get up - nothing. When you reach this sort of altitude in the Himalayas there is no water - it is like a desert (often described as a 'moonscape') and subsequently there is very little vegetation - except where water has been irrigated in. So the town sat at the edge of a mountain overlooking a barren plain and the town itself was an emerald of green because it received meager irrigation. My father and I decided that this would be the place for me to experience the LSD. My father was concerned about heart palpitations he was having so he decided not to trip however our Irish companion (J of J &amp; M) decided to join me.
<br>
<br>
My uncle had recommended taking a quarter tab, waiting 45 minutes, taking another, waiting another 45 minutes, etc. until something came on. I felt nothing and finally took the 4th and final quarter. It was around this time that we ran into J, told him what was going on and he joined in, simply taking the whole tab. J had never tripped either. With my father I climbed up above the town to a small, ancient cemetary full of crumbling, white-washed burial stupas. The town was below us, bustling with activity and the vast empty valley stretched out for miles ahead. There is a small muslim community in Leh and the call to prayer began, amplified by a loud-speaker somewhere. It was at that moment that the LSD hit me like a ton of bricks. I stood up, grinning, and told my father 'Its on!'
<br>
<br>
What a place to be a young man experiencing LSD for the first time. We walked down the mountain back into town and through the streets - streets filled with camels, Tibetan monks, emaciated European backpackers, chai stalls, truck drivers, dirty faced Tibetan kids and pretty Tibetan women who smiled unabashedly when you looked them in the eye. I was tripping hard so we retreated to the peace of the hotel garden where the old man was spinning his prayer wheel. 'J' somehow found us and joined us and we sat there in bliss, trying to take it all in.
<br>
<br>
This LSD experience was mechanically the most interesting for me ever. I was filled with happiness and love and respect and I was acutely aware of where I was geographically and historically and what the things around me meant. I also experienced things like hearing the hinge on a gate squeak from 100 yards away. I can remember lighting a cigarette and following a train of thought and vision that seemed to last hours, only to look down at the cigarette and find hardly the tiniest bit of ash had accumulated at the end of it.
<br>
<br>
I had heard from my father that when he had done LSD one time he looked in the mirror and saw his flesh fall away from his face. With this image fully implanted in my young mind I went into the bathroom and saw the same thing - my face melted away leaving my grinning skull. I lifted my shirt and the flesh rotted away leaving my ribcage exposed. I found this incredibly funny and amusing and was having trouble keeping from laughing uncontrollably.
<br>
<br>
J and I sat for hours in the yard talking and infecting one another with giggle-fits.
<br>
<br>
We ran out of cigarettes and I was delegated the task of buying a new pack somewhere so I left the garden on foot to walk around the marketplace in full-trip. I grinned and smiled at everyone and they grinned and smiled back. I found someplace to buy the smokes and had a great deal of difficulty figuring out how the money worked, how to pay, etc., but eventually I persevered.
<br>
<br>
J's partner M was pissed at us because we effectively forced her to stick around town that day instead of exploring temples within driving distance in the surrounding area. I didn't let it bother me, nor did J, however as the afternoon wore on and the effects gradually faded we were grateful as we felt the need to reconnect with M and do something special for her. By the time we were more-or-less back to normal we were on our way to a 'fancy' (everything is relative) restaurant with Tibetan fare that M had expressed an interest in.
<br>
<br>
To this day I have yet to have any chemical experience that even approached this one in terms of emotion, connection to the surrounding landscape and people, a sense of history, a sense of cameraderie. It was even very special in that my father officially passed the torch of psychedelia to me on that day.
<br>
<br>
J &amp; M are no longer a couple but we still keep in touch with J and see him periodically. Several years later J became sort of a hero in his country because he rescued a near-dead fisherman who had been adrift in 'the horse latitudes' for weeks.
<br>
<br>
I often wonder if the experience in Ladakh changed my life and if so, what did it change. The memory of that day is burned into my mind with such clarity - unusual clarity as I do not consider myself as someone with a great memory or great ability to recall events.
<br>
<br>
So kids - when its graduation time and your Dad gives you a choice of a car or a trip to Asia, choose Asia.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1988</td><td width="90">ExpID: 20914</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Feb 6, 2003</td><td>Views: 44,932</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=20914&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=20914&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Families (41), Glowing Experiences (4), First Times (2)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
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<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2.5 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/alprazolam/">Pharms - Alprazolam</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">15 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/pharms/diazepam/">Pharms - Diazepam</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">68 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Lyserg-Saeure-Diaethylamid (Lysergic acid diethylamide-25) - the brainchild of Dr. Albert Hoffman. This was the first drug I've ever taken and I've had about 35 trips of acid since then. Unfortunately, this substance seems to be rarer these days and I haven't seen it around for years! LSD is not available in Malaysia (at least I've never come across it) and even in Melbourne, there's only rumors that acid is around but no one seems to be able to get hold of any.
<br>
<br>
I recently managed to get in touch with someone who can actually deliver this rare (or so it seems) chemical. The best thing was the price - it's only A$15 for each blotter! It has been 6 years since I've last tripped on acid, and I'm sure glad to see it around, so I bought 3 blotters. The blotter art is a picture of a Buddha with a green face and a blue head piece.
<br>
<br>
I intended to take a single blotter because it's been a while since I've tripped and these Buddha blotters were said to be strong. I perforated one blotter and put it under my tongue and listened to some psy-trance. My past experiences with LSD were always in raves, but I wanted to take it in a safe environment this time to gauge the strength. It was strong acid alright, and I made the mistake of dropping the other two blotters when I felt the first familiar effects take hold.
<br>
<br>
I thought I could handle the experience but I haven't taken into account my frame of mind (not so good) at the time. I knew that taking all three blotters was a mistake when things started getting too intense and I had to shut off the music. I've forgotten the utter <b><i>mind-fuck</i></b> that LSD produces and I spent the night reading the <a target="_blank" href="http://www.erowid.org/psychoactives/faqs/psychedelic_crisis_faq.shtml">Psychedelic Crisis FAQ</a> [erowid.org].
<br>
<br>
I knew deep down that everything was alright and it's just the acid that's fucking with my mind', but if you've taken a high dose of LSD, you know how things can get out of control inside your mind. :) I'll admit it, I was terrified. I know that everything would go back to normal in 10 hours, but everything was so intense, so unstoppable that I had a bad trip. I was utterly blindsided by the strength of these blotters - taking all 3 was a mistake indeed.
<br>
<br>
I know that I'm not going insane. It's just the acid, it'll all be good in 10 hours, I tell myself. I know it's impossible to overdose on LSD (the LD-50 is very, very high) but I was scared that I'll be insane forever. I actually seriously considered checking myself into a hospital! Imagine that! What ludicrous thoughts I entertain in my mind while under the influence! I know it's just the drugs, and I'm really glad I had enough experience to stop things from getting <i>really</i> out of control.
<br>
<br>
I practically tore apart a blister pack of Xanax (alprazolam) in an effort to calm down. 2.5 mg of Xanax didn?t do anything, so I sedated myself with a further 15 mg of Valium (diazepam). I shut down all the lights (to reduce stimulus) and laid in bed with blankets around me, watching the trails as the blankets moved. Closing my eyes produced repetitively green geometric patterns flowing and morphing through my vision and I was getting auditory hallucinations too. I opened my eyes to see a warped room that I could barely recognize, the proportions were wrong and things were too fluid.
<br>
<br>
Finally, the benzos did their magic but I still couldn't sleep. It was a weird state of feeling like I was floating to sleep, and then the acid kicks in and I jerk awake into an unfamiliar room. I was pretty much sedated by then though, so I got up and managed to resume the trip report I was trying to keep. Hah! :) I don't remember much after that, but I know I went out to get some food and saw someone and had to avoid eye contact while getting food. That's about the only thing I remembered clearly before managing to eat and sleep. Here's the trip report, in all its unedited glory:
<br>
<br>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
<br>
<br>
things you might want to know: yes, i licked the scanner after. might be nothing, but eh, i've done nastier things ;)
<br>
took 1 blotter
<br>
t+30 felt the effects
<br>
it was so nice to see uncle sid again
<br>
very positive and quite strong and i felt such a positive vibe, i took the remaining two
<br>
took the two remaining blotters at t+30
<br>
t+60
<br>
okay, i'm regretting that now. very intense.
<br>
okay so regretting it now.
<br>
<br>
its to intense. like with the codiytion of acid being the way it is most pepl have never had a full hitt and dose . i'm respectign this now. i'ved forgotten ny respect for you uncke side
<br>
wow
<br>
<br>
xanax 2,6mg
<br>
reduce stimulous going offline and shutting lights down now
<br>
<br>
psychedelic crisis faq
<br>
fuck it i'm aborting
<br>
<br>
don't want to be a danger to myuself and others
<br>
<br>
can't abort even with 2.6 mg xanax
<br>
still going strong
<br>
i'm aware of everything, just wouldn't want anoe to see me in this sate now
<br>
wow i underestimated lsd
<br>
don't ever do that, if you are, chances are you're not taking a hard dose or you'll find it hard to conrol even with experience if alone
<br>
<br>
t + can't think properly
<br>
this is reli strong dose to affect this way empahais that if they've never taken experienced such midn budnering wat is true wat is fiction?
<br>
repect it i wonder how many ppl can handle this kind of things alone and still have the reality achor to know themselves
<br>
quit this self serviding bullshit and get done
<br>
<br>
managed to get myself soome food in: i think there was something that was said abotut men not khlepong another girl take in her stuff, but sorry thats just coz i was in the middle of a psychedulic crisis and was trying to aboidinb eye contatct!!! sorry i would have helped otherwise but not when i'm fucking tripping ballz on lsd. and i dun even know if you're a fucking polis or somehow related to yes and is gonna tip me in or something
<br>
<br>
gosh now that i think about it its scaring me. i acted normal
<br>
<br>
seems that i can't abort it and the xanax is really mking me feel less anxtious and forgot about things too thats the bad part but yeah eveyrthing is fine and dandy
<br>
<br>
end of story: this has taught me an important lesson. dont think that you know all there is to a drug and can 'hadle' it. given me repsect on lsd an whe intense warp in can have on everything, antyhing and evertyhgin
<br>
:)
<br>
open cevs
<br>
you haven't had really good acid unless you're sure you're on it
<br>
<br>
think to youself about how we care so much about what others peicee us of
<br>
jaw PERMENANTLY CLENCHED
<br>
<br>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
<br>
<br>
I woke up the next day feeling embarrassed for getting so completely 0wn3d by a substance I thought I was experienced in. I'm utterly humiliated by what I wrote in the trip journal, but I'm going to post it anyway, coz it shows how badly strong psychedelics like LSD can mess with your mind. =D It's disjointed and hard to read, but there you go, everything I wrote posted as is. Buddha taught me how to write the word 'respect' that day. Oh well, no harm no foul, and I'm going to treat acid more carefully now.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2003</td><td width="90">ExpID: 24002</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: May 27, 2003</td><td>Views: 206,246</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=24002&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=24002&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Pharms - Alprazolam (98), Pharms - Diazepam (115) : Alone (16), Bad Trips (6)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">22 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/2ci/">2C-I</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">70 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I recently decided to trip in honor of the beginning summer and a spell of extraordinarily good mood. I pondered the range of substances available, and was intrigued by the idea of trying a new combination. I decided it should be a tryptamine/phenethylamine combo, and at first considered trying 5-MeO-DiPT and 2C-I, 2C-I being one of my favourite substances so far. 5-MeO-DiPT, however, seems to be a tricky substance that has the habit of being quite dissapointing one time and giving you a big surprise the next; also I was a bit worried about the fact that the only experience report on Erowid about this combination was a negative one. So I decided to raid my ever dwindling supply of trusty old LSD instead.
<br>
<br>
A word about the dosages is perhaps in order. I took 2 hits of moderately strong 'European' blotter acid, which many people say to be much stronger than 'American' acid; a typical estimate (based on what, I don't know) is 2-3 times as strong. I am something of a hardhead, and 2 hits from this batch has been my usual dose, while my friends usually take only one to trip pretty nicely. I chose to take the usual dose, as LSD has the reputation of a very safe drug physically. The 2C-I dose was 22mg (+-2mg), which is a moderate dose for me; usually I have taken a bit more.
<br>
<br>
The general timeframe of the trip was roughly as follows:
<br>
+0:00 intake of LSD
<br>
+0:30 intake of 2C-I
<br>
+1:00 coming up
<br>
+1:30-+3:30 most intense peak
<br>
+3:30-+5:00 still going strong
<br>
+5:00- gradual comedown
<br>
+17:00 able to sleep (with help of small benzodiazepine dose)
<br>
<br>
For impatient readers, a short description of the experience:
<br>
The combination of LSD and 2C-I proved to be excellent. The peak of the trip was awesome, extremely positive and quite intense. The 2C-I seemed to complement the LSD in a subtle, yet remarkable way. The visual quality of the trip was amazing. The later stages of the trip and the comedown were a bit more shaky in terms of positive/negative mood, but still very enjoyable most of the time.
<br>
<br>
A more detailed description of the trip follows.
<br>
<br>
--
<br>
<br>
The day of the trip arrived and was bright, warm and sunny. I chose an inside setting anyway, namely my apartment, for I didn't really know what to expect and my usual policy with regards psychedelic substances is 'better safe than sorry'. The sun got me in a great mood though, and after a productive day I dropped the acid first at 17:00 (+0:00).The first alerts of the acid were felt 15 minutes after that, heralding quite an intensive trip. I dropped the 2C-I in a gelcap half an hour later (+0:30).
<br>
<br>
At 18:00 (+1:00), I was already tripping quite nicely and at 18:30 (+1:30) I already was marvelling at how good the combination was. After this, the really intense part started, lasting about two hours. As is the nature of the psychedelic experience, I find the peak impossible to describe in words, so I will not even try to go into much detail, but will instead try to describe some general qualities of the experience.
<br>
<br>
The experience resembled a pure LSD trip much more than a pure 2C-I trip, probably because the 2C-I dose was relatively low. The trip was not really that intense in a way, but the sense of wonder and the absolute beauty of everything was incredible. I have had much more intense trips with LSD and psilocube mushrooms, but the 2C-I gave the experience a 'shimmer' the like of which I have only glimpsed at before. The experience was quite immersive, for example changing the music did not even occur to me until quite late in the peak, as it was so integrated into my very being. Some adjectives that could be used to describe the trip might be, for example, 'sunny', 'glowing', 'mystical', and 'rejuvenating'.
<br>
<br>
Worth noting is the extremely positive mood that prevailed for the whole peak. Usually my trips, especially with LSD, are marked by fluctuation of mood from positive to negative, sometimes resulting in quite dark and introspective probings of the psyche (not something I would categorize as a 'bad trip' in any way, though). This time, however, the experience remained almost completely on the light side. This did not stop me from having several meaningful insights about the nature of the world and my place in it. The 2C-I seemed not only to add to the LSD experience, but subtly restructure it in some way, making it perhaps more controllable in a sense. It should be noted, however, that some of the positive quality of the trip might very well simply be due to the good mood I had experienced in the previous days.
<br>
<br>
The visual quality of the trip was amazing. I seldom have noteworthy visuals on psychedelics, but the 2C-I gave the 'usual LSD visuals' a nice twist, making everything look almost unbelievably beautiful. My apartment bathing in the sun was radiant and colours were perhaps deeper and more intense than I have ever seen. The 'phenethylamine visuals' of 2C-I were also present (mainly tracers and afterimages for me).
<br>
<br>
The most intense and amazing part of the trip only lasted for about two hours, which in retrospect seems a little short, and most likely reflects the duration of the peak of the 2C-I. The two hours seemed to last for an incredibly long time though; the effect of this combination on subjective time was much greater than that of either of the two substances alone. At about 20:30 (+3:30) I noticed that the intensity of the experience was beginning to drop, however the LSD part of the trip was still going strong and the visuals, for example, were still awesome. The 2C-I part of the experience gradually faded away, leaving the LSD part, which also started to gradually fade away at about +5:00, which was approximately when I started to be able to easily use reason and logic again.
<br>
<br>
A noteworthy event happened at +4:00, when my computer crashed, which was very confusing and among other things brought an end to the music that was playing. Immediately after I rebooted and was recovering mental control of the situation, another situation arose which required me to communicate with several persons on IRC and make complicated assessments about several things. This confused me to no end, and for about an hour I was quite frustrated and gloomy. Luckily, at that point the trip was starting to wind down and soon I was able to grasp the situation more clearly and the rest of the experience was again very enjoyable. However, this serves to illustrate that the later stages of the experience were somewhat fickle (as is usually the case with my LSD trips).
<br>
<br>
From about +5:00 onwards, the trip was the usual psychedelic comedown for me. The clarity and fluidity of the peak were rapidly fading, but the prolonged endstages of psychedelic experiences are rarely 'rough' or irritable for me, and this time proved to be no different. From midnight (+7:00) onwards I repeatedly smoked cannabis and mellowed out. I was pretty tired, but I found I was unable to sleep until at about 10 AM the next day (+17:00), after taking 15mg of oxazepam. I often have some trouble sleeping after taking psychedelics, and have found that in my case combining tryptamines and phenethylamines results in even more prolonged wakefulness. Once, after taking LSD, MBDB and a small amount of 2C-B, I was unable to sleep for about 30 hours, and even then was only able to fall asleep with the help of medication! The next two days I felt quite worn out physically, and slept for large amounts of time.
<br>
<br>
All in all, the trip was extremely enjoyable. I usually hesitate to recommend any drugs, especially research chemicals, but I can't help commenting that this was a VERY good psychedelic combination and in my opinion well worth trying for those who know what they are doing, have experience with both substances and have found them enjoyable (it seems that relatively many people do not enjoy 2C-I as much as I do). I have a feeling that using high dosages might be counter-productive, so I recommend at least starting low. Personally, I will definitely try this combination again. The next time I will most likely take the 2C-I somewhat later, to adjust the timing of the peaks a bit. Happy tripping and be careful :)<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2003</td><td width="90">ExpID: 24323</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jun 7, 2003</td><td>Views: 28,930</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=24323&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=24323&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), 2C-I (172) : Alone (16), Mystical Experiences (9), Glowing Experiences (4), Combinations (3)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">25 g</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/banisteriopsis/">Banisteriopsis caapi</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(extract)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">40 g</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/diplopterys/">Diplopterys cabrerana</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(extract)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 3:05</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">40 g</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/diplopterys/">Diplopterys cabrerana</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(extract)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 11:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 cig.</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 18:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 glass</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol - Beer/Wine</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 18:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">75 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Yage, LSD, Chaliponga (D. Carberana), Cannabis
<br>
<br>
SET: I've taken a day off from studies to explore the Other, bacause soon I'll be forced to spend most of my days on studies.
<br>
SETTING: Home, alone - for the most part.
<br>
<br>
3:30am / T+0:0
<br>
Downed 25g of B.Caapi liquid extract, which was prepared 3 weeks before.
<br>
<br>
T+0:30
<br>
1 hit of Hoffman 2000 blotter (LSD) under the tongue. None of the characteristic Yage buzzing effects in the ears so far.
<br>
<br>
T+0:55
<br>
I can feel the Yage. No buzzing sound in my ears, but Yage is definitely here. My stomach just a slight bit uneasy. The Yage/harmala high seems to be like a heavily sedated one. I feel a little numb and lucid, but nothing near a true psychedelic way.
<br>
<br>
T+1:5
<br>
Visual reality is slowly changing. Mind operating feels like its about to burst into a full psychedelic state.
<br>
<br>
T+1:10
<br>
Feeling altered, but still more on the Caapi than the acid. No wonder.
<br>
<br>
T+1:15
<br>
Weird electrical skin sensations. Like feeling the electrical charge of my body passing through my skin.
<br>
<br>
T+1:35
<br>
Closer inspection brings visual around everything. Different types than acid (and acid with S.Rue). This feels totally grabbing of me. No happy, go-go stuff. It feels serious. I think thats from the sedated/altered feeling of the Caapi alone - it infuses the voyage with a different quality.
<br>
<br>
T+2h
<br>
I watch a colorful blanket turn into a sea of morphing colour. In semi darkness, visions of trees appear. Their stems seem to be mapped on the walls and their branches bloom and blossom into the ceiling. Also, Escher type visials of lizards are apparent in darkness. They have a characteristic yellow/orange/red type of quality - I think this is from the Caapi.
<br>
<br>
During this last hour and a half I try again and again to force myself to down some D. cabrerana extract, which was prepared 3 weeks before - and unfortunately burnt to a caramelose goo in the process of reducing - so, it tastes more foul and the idea of gulping it down is hard to manage. This has happened before, trying to down the Ayahuasca admixture - I feel spaced and my limbs seem easy and light - and I feel altered enough, already, to take anything more.
<br>
<br>
So, I manage to down half of approx. 80g cooked (and burnt) D. cabrerana. To my pleasant surprise, the alkaloids are active, even though they formed a caramelosed goo. I nearly puke, even as I drink it. I manage to keep my mind in control, thinking that it's only the mind that will triger the puking. I salivate as hell for 2-3 minutes, but the nausea slips. No puke. I am not too sure about how much the admixture affected my voyage at this point, but later on I realised it was definitely active.
<br>
<br>
T+2:55
<br>
I am (still) peaking. Yage is a totally different feeling. I spend most of my time in silent darkness trying to have a 'conversation with the Other'. This is less sucessful than previous attempts - however I still feel strongly that I will be exploring entheogens alone, in silent darkness.
<br>
<br>
T+3:05
<br>
I swallow rest of the DC. I felt that it wouldn't be so much of a problem this time and I'm correct. I immidiately feel the effects of the DMT. It manifests in blue-purple neonish kind of visuals around everything. Watching the snow outside, edges seem blurred in a cartoon vision of sorts. The feeling of the voyage changes - there is a more ancient, sacred, ethnic feel to it, something more grounded than the acid feeling.
<br>
<br>
T+...
<br>
I feel like a input processor of sorts. I process food, information, light and what not. Whilst in this state, the inputs to my system seem very obvious. Eg. food, DMT - I can feel it straight as it enters my system.
<br>
A second time, I'm totally into this 'systems' trip scenario. Everything is a system and the system is everything.
<br>
<br>
My thoughts go around pondering the meaning of different kinds of systems. Education systems, human body system, social systems, economic systems etc.
<br>
<br>
The Yage/DMT however gave a little different quality to this. It felt more integrated, more at home and more 'earthy' - not a kind of high-tech paranoid mind-fuck psychedelic quality.
<br>
<br>
I must note that I've been getting entities, almost all the time. I've been in the company of a huge tentacled ball- it seems etched into the design of everything - like a shadow cast over my field of vision. On it's tentacles, multicolored letters seem to appear from time to time. From time to time, on two of the tentacles, wicked eyes appear - these seem like the tykes/plastikman type of entities I've already met. Another interesting thing is, that in pitch black darkness, a very definite aparatus which looks like an insect vacuum cleaner of sorts, appears in front of my head - it seems attached to it, with tentacles very similiar to the tentacles of the tentacled ball, yet somehow very different - they feel like an aparatus, not like organic tentacles as is the case with the ball.
<br>
<br>
They don't seem to be very communicative - last time the inner dialogue thing, feeling like the Other is talking to me, was more active. This time there was less 'chatter'. I must note that this feeling is not really like talking to the entities I'm getting, but like talking to the Other - the 'Everything else'.
<br>
<br>
Another thing to note is the audio hallucinations - they were a lil' less active for the most, but there were a few bursts of activity, when they would make short phrases of flanged, phased rhytms.
<br>
<br>
T+11h
<br>
I smoke some sinsemillia mixed with some regular dope and proceed to having a total vision. I take a cup with a little water and put it in front of my eyes. In the reflections from the water and the cup, real visions appear.
<br>
I see a cosmic space, filled with stars/dots - these stars make objects, like planets, bicycles and other random things. This sort of thing has never happened before.
<br>
<br>
Moving the glass a little, chanting and moving my whole body helps this general synaesthesia. I feel that language/meaning, streamed from the domain of the mind into this real world just drives this thing mad - it responds presenting beauty in the form of visions/visuals.
<br>
I am not too sure about the next part, but I think that in this cosmic joke I was a part of, I met a new sort of entities - it feels blured right now, but I'm sure the next time around this happens, I'll remember them more clearly.
<br>
<br>
T+15h
<br>
After a while, my mind feels really exhausted from all of this - the cannabis did a real clouding effect after the peak of effects. I felt a little helpless, trapped in another dimension - I just couldn't laugh at things, like I did before. I wished for some sleep, but I couldn't have any - I just lay, relaxing on the bed. I think this was more from the fact that I was awake for more than 24h, than from the effects of the entheogens.
<br>
<br>
T+18h
<br>
I am feeling generally better and safely landing. I take a shower and head outside. A few short outbursts of colours appear from time to time. After visiting a friend, we go to a cafe, generally chill and have a beer, smoke a J.
<br>
<br>
T+24h
<br>
I am home, I feel sleepy as hell and I'm reexperiencing shorts bursts of the tyke entities into my visual field. Nothing serious. I head to sleep and fall asleep at once - I was overexhausted.
<br>
<br>
After 12h of sleep, next day a general sense of saturation of the mind is present. I will probably never try mixing an ayahuasca brew with LSD, have doubts if I'll even mix it with cannabis. Plain ayahuasca feels more 'sacred', but whats more important it is much different on the body and the mind. After ayahuasca a general sense of well being follows for days afterward. Even the next day, I'm ready to go on to do whatever is to be done. This is not the issue with other psychedelics, like acid, even tho' in the long term I do get to slowly integrate the meaning of what happened.
<br>
<br>
Another thing I must report is a feeling in the stomach - like I have something to digest, but it's present all the time - never fully digested. This seems present with both S.Rue and Yage, more pronounced with Rue tho'. I feel if I purged I'd get rid of it and have a good cleansed feeling. Didn't purge tho'.
<br>
<br>
I'm surprised to see very few reports of mixed MAOI with acid - and people get this idea it's a bad thing. I've had really nice journeys mixing Rue with acid and Yage too. With Rue, the acid is the one thing that feels more prominent, while with the Yage a very different quality infuses the acid trip. For me, Rue serves more of a general 'booster' of the acid, while Yage with acid can be used for a more spiritual experience. Also, I think the characteristic 'perfect' geometric visuals of acid are substituted with more mellow, smooth edgey ones.
<br>
<br>
All in all, a very good journey - a type of journey which doesn't start with a general 'positive' feeling, but is a journey that I appreciate and wouldn't be without in the end.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2002</td><td width="90">ExpID: 12145</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jul 16, 2003</td><td>Views: 35,425</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=12145&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=12145&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Banisteriopsis caapi (169), Diplopterys cabrerana (157) : Alone (16), Entities / Beings (37), Combinations (3), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">160 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I was an experienced LSD user by the time I tried some acid called 'Alice in Wonderland'. I had recently given up Christianity and thought myself to be on the way to enlightenment. I used LSD as recreation, but mostly I used it in the pursuit of spiritual truth.
<br>
<br>
My dealer came by with some acid he called 'weak'. He said he was currently tripping on six hits. He certainly seemed to be in control of himself, so I thought I might not even trip much on one hit. Thankfully, I only took one. It turns out that my dealer usually had to take 6 hits just to get to a threshold experience, because he liked to go 'way out there', frequently.
<br>
<br>
My husband and I took a hit each, early in the evening, on an empty stomach. After the initial 45 minute wait, I already realized that this acid was different. My husband seemed to be doing fine all evening, but I was engaged in a personal struggle. I felt a cold emptiness spreading through my body. I felt that my body wasn't solid anymore, my body and the room it was in were just an illusion. There was no comfort to be had in touching objects, because everything was composed of energy, energy that existed in a void of emptiness.
<br>
<br>
I felt a cold panic as I gazed at my husband. A thought formed in my mind of how much my husband resembled me in every way. Suddenly I realized that he was me, there was no separation. We were pretending to be individuals, but in reality there was only one presence. Then I realized that I am god and I am the only being in existence, a being who is alone and will always be alone. Though I divided myself into billions of pieces, in reality I am the only being that exists. I felt then, the most horrible void... a cold, sharp feeling in the pit of my stomach, as if a black hole was centered there and the universe was being sucked into it.
<br>
<br>
I was so lonely, tears were pouring down my face. My husband tried to comfort me but I told him that he was an illusion, he was just a part of me and not the individual I had thought him to be. Suddenly my thoughts turned to the world at large. In my mind I saw a giant wheel, and all manner of beings were lined up on the wheel. The wheel kept turning, and the beings on the wheel experienced life and death over and over again. They kept coming back, after death, to experience the wheel again, there was no escape. This was life for all beings, a ceaseless turning of a giant wheel, with no way out.
<br>
<br>
I wished for some way to end my misery, but I knew that even death would not save me because I am eternal and I would just be wasting a perfectly good body. At this point, when I saw no way out, I decided that I wanted the illusion back. I realized that enlightenment was the last thing I wanted! I wanted to be unaware of who I am, because I wasn't ready to be god. I wanted more than anything to be an ignorant human!
<br>
<br>
The night passed slowly, and finally we came down. We had quite a hangover.We were dehydrated, with headaches and photosensitivity. I said I never wanted to do acid again. We walked down the street to eat at a pizza buffet so that the heavy food would help us to sleep. Of course I didn't stop doing acid. I did learn not to think about my existence too much while tripping, and if I did examine my existence then I would do it in a positive way.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1997</td><td width="90">ExpID: 26645</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Sep 7, 2003</td><td>Views: 34,730</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=26645&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=26645&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Difficult Experiences (5), Mystical Experiences (9), Relationships (44), General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">160 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
'you know you talk so hip man
<br>
you're twistin' my melon man...'
<br>
Happy Mondays
<br>
<br>
It was a freezing cold Friday night in November. Me, The Wedge, and Captain T-Bag had just moved into the Kappa Cappuccino house. It had been decided that in order to baptize the house and consecrate our friendship, we would need to have an acid trip. No big party, no women. Just the 3 of us and our one-hundred year old home.
<br>
<br>
The thing was, i wasn't really that into it. We were having our house warming party the following day, and R was getting some ecstasy from this legendary batch that was coming out of Texas (of all places). I had dropped acid before, but the following night was to be my first night on 'E'. I always kept my drug use under control; while i smoked pot nightly during that time in my life, anything 'harder' was a treated as a special occasion. Ritualistic, almost. I was a little tentative about the fact that i would be rolling for 2 nights in a row...
<br>
<br>
Our guy showed up with our treats. It wasn't M., this cute little thing working her way through college, who was our usual source... just some random cat that we allowed to waltz in off the street and sell us highly illegal substances. Could be spiked with Liquid Plumber, or the guy could be a cop, but Hey! how much money would you like for those illicit drugs?
<br>
<br>
(i digress. It's just that recalling the way i ran my life is a trip in and of itself)
<br>
<br>
Anyway, he told us that he had just done the stuff the night before, and it was 'Really Visual'. That got me. I had done acid a couple of times before, and while i had had a great time, and had some nice communion with the right side of my brain, it wasn't the melting walls, Bruce Lee movie trails that everyone had led me to expect.
<br>
<br>
So we dropped. And then there is that time that you wait, spending time waiting for the time that time will mean nothing.
<br>
<br>
'Dude, do you feel anything?'
<br>
<br>
'No.'
<br>
<br>
'How 'bout now?'
<br>
<br>
'Nope.'
<br>
<br>
'Dude, i'm totally starting to feel it...'
<br>
<br>
'Dude, shut up. Too soon.'
<br>
<br>
I was sitting on a recliner chair... waiting. Wedge and the Captain were popping chewable vitamin c like candy. I was anorexic, at the time. As we were having a big party the following night, one that members of the opposite sex would be present for, i was doing my standard 'No Food For 24 hours' thing. They were hovering around me, waiting, looking suspicious. Finally, they charged me. The bastards held me down, my arms to my sides and shoved the tablets into my mouth. In all my experience with acid, this is the one time that i ever remember the exact second that the trip began. As my teeth sunk into the dry, chalky tablet, i felt the sensation that someone had detonated a highly unstable naval orange inside my mouth...
<br>
<br>
And so it began. The thing is, we had the most incredible house for drugs. It was the upper level of this old victorian, The upstairs and then the attic, which was our living room. The room was decorated with this ultra-loungy, deco style funiture that The Wedge's dead uncle had purchased using mass amounts of Camel Cash in the 1950's. The ceiling was all sharp angles, the inverse of the sloped roof outside, and it was covered with dozens of glow in the dark stars.
<br>
<br>
I decided that i wanted to see what what the downstairs was like on acid. The Wedge and The Captain's bedrooms were side by side, and they had both left music on. From the Captain's, there was house music (Boom-chee, Boom-che, Boom-che...) and from The Wedge's was something or other New Order, with that trademark base line (Dun dun dun dun dun dun, DUN DUN DUN...) I stood between the two rooms, swaying ever so slightly, back and forth, back and forth, trying to find that Omega Point, that calm in the exact center of the storm where i could hear both strains of music clearly... but just as one burrowed against my chest, the other would fade into nothingness. I must have stood there for like, 30 minutes, trying.
<br>
<br>
I freaked out, downstairs, all by myself. I decided to go see what the guys were up to in the attic. When i got there, most of the lights were off, save for the lone black light bulb that the glow in the dark stars were sucking all their juice from. So they were shining brilliantly, but not generating any real illumination on the room below. And the furniture...
<br>
<br>
They had rearranged the entire room. Now, maybe it doesn't READ like that's a big deal, but really think about the last time that you came home and your significant other had rearranged the furniture, that vague feeling of spatial disorientation that you walk through over the next day or so. Then imagine that feeling on acid, with a minty green glow hovering in the pitch blackness above your head.
<br>
<br>
'Nice.' (Subtle, understated, the monosyllabic word was the Kappa Cappuccino seal of approval. But i guess everybody says it now.)
<br>
No response. The room appeared empty... did they leave while i was messing with my audio? Could they really have slipped out without me noticing?
<br>
<br>
Suddenly, they jumped out from behind the furniture and tackled me to the ground. We laughed for a moment, hilariously. Then i said, like a three year old 'Do it Again! Do it again!'
<br>
<br>
So, i ran back downstairs and paced around for a good long while, anticipating. Finally, they called me back. When i got upstairs i felt completely and uterly betrayed. The one thing i swore i would never do on acid was sit and watch a movie. And that is precisely what they were doing... they had put all of the furniture back in order, and were sitting, calmly watching 'An American Tail 2: Fivel Goes West' which The Wedge had gotten from a promotion that McDonalds was doing.
<br>
<br>
'Dude, no! I am not going to waste this totally amazing, mind altering experience on some stupid movie. I want a vision quest... I want to trip the light fantastic... i want...'
<br>
<br>
There, before me, being played out right before my very eyes was the universe tale of tragedy... the plight of this family of mice, just trying to make a home for themselves in the New World. They were on some sort of raft, racing on this violent current of water through this endless, labyrithine series of pipes...
<br>
<br>
20 minutes later, Captian T-Bag told me to sit my ass on the couch, 'cause i was in his way.
<br>
<br>
I curled up like a child on the couch as this brilliant epic of mythic proportions built to a crescendo. John Clese was a cat who was trying to lure all the mice into the west so he and his evil companions could have something to eat. Dom DeLuise was this cat with some sort of glandular problem that risked his standing in the feline community by supporting the Rodent cause. And the late Jimmy Stuart was a dog who taught young Fivel how to believe in himself.
<br>
<br>
There's this one part, with Fivel's sister (I don't remember her name, but she has always dreamed of being a singer) and they're trapped in this Old West style saloon. All these drunken ruffian cats are holding Fivel and Dom Deluise cat and Jimmy Stuart dog hostage, and things look like they're going to get really violent, and how will are heroes escape...?
<br>
<br>
And Fivel's sister SCREAMS!
<br>
<br>
And the room freezes, everyone stares at her... but she holds the scream...
<br>
<br>
and a beer bottle shatters into a million peices... but still she holds the pitch perfect scream...
<br>
<br>
and then she breaks it down into this totally amazing, absolutely incredible hoe-down style song...
<br>
<br>
'WHO'S THE GIRL YOU LEFT BEHIND?
<br>
SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING
<br>
WHO'S THE GIRL YOU LEFT BEHIND?
<br>
SOMETHING, SOMETHING...
<br>
SOME-THING!'
<br>
<br>
Oh, i don't remember all the words, but seriously, it was incredible. My heart was racing. It was like somebody gently, painlessly carved this huge hole and my chest and was fucking it desperately.
<br>
<br>
There was a big showdown at High Noon between Fivel, Dom Deluise cat, Jimmy Stuart dog, and John Clese cat, and a tearful reunion with Fivel's family, and then...
<br>
<br>
...out on the horizon, while the hero rode off into the sunset, there was this tiny, non-descript little speck floating in the sky, i strained my eyes to see what it was then SNAP! It ripped into the foreground -- nearly out of the screen altogether -- the enormous, finalizing words
<br>
<br>
'THE END!'
<br>
<br>
(This
<br>
is
<br>
Where
<br>
i
<br>
Peaked...)
<br>
<br>
I was in the throws of the deepest, most profound extacy i had ever ever experienced. I wanted to rip off my clothes... my shirt, my jeans, my very skin, and run through the street, singing all the words of 'Who's the Girl You Left Behind' that i could remember at the top of my lungs. I lept from the couch and started running circles around the room -- Then i ran down stairs to the main hallway. I shot back and forth from one end to the other, over and over and over again. When i got to either end, i didn't slow down, i just let myself crash full force into the wall. Then i would compose myself, turn and face the other side of the house, and repeat. All this felt completely, blissfully rational to me, as if there was no other reaction one possibly could have to a work of such life affirming, celluloid brilliance.
<br>
<br>
The Wedge and the Captain obviously did not agree, and were probably more than a little freaked out that i just might never come back from that distant edge that i was now out upon. As i made one last senseless sprint down the hall, The Wedge stepped into my path...
<br>
<br>
The Wedge is not a small man. His Nome de Plume comes from the fact that he has a HUGE member, shaped like one of those wooden things you use to keep a door open. His entire body is like that... Monolithic, imposing... crashing into The Wedge was more jarring to my system than than all my times running into the wall combined. I slammed up against The Wedge, and the sensation was that of collapsing... folding... melting. I was like an egg smashed up against a house, while the force of gravity pulled my gellatinous mass back down to the ground.
<br>
<br>
The Captian navigated me back up into the attic while The Wedge brewed up a giant pot of coffee. It's a well known fact among my friends that coffee actually smooths my hyperactive nervous system... I guzzled it down like it was Kool Aid... cup after cup. I remember my nerves telegraphing 'HOT' to my into my brain, but the very concept got lost among the neurons... 'what is 'hot' anyway? Just a word, an abstraction.'
<br>
<br>
At about this time, the caffine must have sunk in for The Captain... he lit 3 cigarettes in his mouth at once. He put one into my mouth as i sat like a puddle on our sectional couch. He took the others, one in each hand, stood on the armrest at the other side of the couch and danced, swinging his arms around in these wide arcs. The red-hot cherries at the end of the cigarates traced glowing lines in mid air. I remember thinking to myself, 'This acid IS Really Visual'...
<br>
<br>
It was like 'Laser Floyd' at the Planetarium, but with better music...
<br>
<br>
The Captain sang along to the Madchester, acid house stylings of Primal Scream, 'Come Trip Inside This House'
<br>
<br>
(I didn't know until I bought the album, just last year, that the title was 'Come SLIP Inside This House')
<br>
<br>
The Captain finally plopped down alongside me as i stared up at the sloped ceiling, as the glow in the dark stars waxed and waned, shimmering, back and forth like a reflection of the full moon on gently rolling waters. I stared at it for the longest time, waiting for the effect to stop, waiting for the drugs to wear off, but it just continued, on and on and on. I broke into soft laughter. This was REAL. I thought to myself that if i could look at the Captain, and NOT tell him what i was seeing, but could somehow get out of him that he was seeing the same thing as me... then that would mean that this wasn't some mere illusion, this would mean that we had actually moved into some quantum, alternate reality where matter periodically shifted into a liquid state.
<br>
<br>
'Dude, you see it, don't you? YOU SEE IT...'
<br>
<br>
He flashed me that wide grin that moistened so many women's panties. He raised his hand into the air. My eyes followed his pointer finger as he indicated the opposite side of the couch...
<br>
<br>
Exhausted from the amazing vibe in the room, The Couch drew a deep, sharp breath, then sank back down with an orgasmic sigh...
<br>
<br>
The Captain and I splashed back against the sofa where we sitting, and continued to watch the stars.
<br>
<br>
That, more or less was the pinnacle of the evening.
<br>
Sure, i could go on... about how i found The Wedge downstairs an hour later, wearing nothing but a pair of boxers, clipping his toenails on the patio in 10 degree weather...
<br>
...or about how i discovered how well plungers stick to my bald head, and that while i was balancing a plunger from a single fingertip, i was able to keep it from falling, was able to control the very inner workings of destiny just by saying the word 'IS'... 'IS, IS, IS, IS, IS, IS, IS, IS' Until it ceased to be a word, and became an incantation.
<br>
<br>
...or i could tell you all about the following night, on E, when i walked into my pitch black room to go to bed, and i heard breathing from some stranger on the ches lounge chair across from me, and i asked, coyly, 'are you a boy or a girl?'... 'Girl' ... and she welcomed me to climb onto her and have the most wonderful 30 minute relationship with her mouth...
<br>
<br>
(okay, i just did tell you that. ANY excuse to tell that story...)
<br>
I could tell you about how so many other moments of my life since that night are seen through the perspective that i gained -- evolved that night...
<br>
<br>
All because of this one moment, when i sat, coming down, ever so gently while The Stone Roses 'Second Coming' album played in the background
<br>
<br>
'Are we etched in stone, or just
<br>
scratched in the sand...
<br>
Waiting for the waves to come
<br>
and retake the land...'
<br>
<br>
And right then i knew. I knew that EVERYTHING is an illusion. Fleeting, temporary... i knew that existentialism is the most beautiful philosophy in the history of the world, because it’s the only philosophy that captures how brief and fragile we are, and thusly expresses how truly unique our existence is. I understood in that instant that “The Afterlife” is an oxymoron, fool’s gold – the Universe is an eternity’s worth of Now, that never-ending “IS”. I saw that our individual lives are an interpretive dance, expressing from our subjective perspective what G-d, the Universe and Everything is all about. I felt that the only way to truly have lived for that instant is to get up on stage and feel the music...
<br>
So that’s it. And here I am now, 9 years later.
<br>
Still dancing.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1994</td><td width="90">ExpID: 24938</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 2, 2003</td><td>Views: 23,475</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=24938&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=24938&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Mystical Experiences (9), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">100 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
When time is measured by a rapidly accelerating heartbeat, seconds start racing so fast they become a blur and it's so easy to reach out your eyes and touch it and it sounds so brass like somebody smashed their face against a cymbal, then suddenly you're a song. It's a pink song with faded green edges. You can press your hands against your belly until your stomach sucks them in and you can feel that pink song, soft and slimy like a fetus inside of you. You pull it out with a gasp that echoes in your nostrils and it pulses in your palm like the heartbeat in your thumb. There's nothing to do except swallow this song and listen to the way the pink feels, cottony and vibrating down your throat, through your spinal chord, chilling your back to your toes and resting somewhere in the vicinity of your liver, where it throbs to the tempo of time and your heart. Every trip is one moment, perpetual and unified by three smiling faces, wavering in the rainbow-tracer air. (Every moment is a trip.) All the shadows become livid and pounce into patches of watery space that taste like laughter, echoing ceaslessly for five timeless hours.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2003</td><td width="90">ExpID: 27292</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 3, 2003</td><td>Views: 34,929</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=27292&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=27292&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Unknown Context (20), Poetry (43), Mystical Experiences (9), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/tobacco/">Tobacco - Cigarettes</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">180 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Yesterday I decided to take 3 hits of acid with a wonderful girl that I had met at college. She is of a 'free spirited' nature and is very much into sex and drugs and is very open about it, which I admire. This is the type of person I have always wanted to be, but I always end up being uptight about a lot of things.
<br>
<br>
I decided that taking acid with her would change me for the better: I took it with this girl I had been hooking up with....and we were admiring the colors rising up from the ground, and the day seemed so warm, and we lost track of time and sat in the middle of the campus and played in the dirt and talked about crazy philosophies and decided that nature was more beautiful than anything else and we were there for like 4 hours getting as dirty as we could. We had a stick in our hands that we were using to represent so many things, we felt the stick's colors and life and discussed why a stick had to be known as a stick and not just what it is, a ________. Why did there have to be a word for it?
<br>
<br>
Time became an enemy to us and we found that when we walked to the gas station to get cigarettes, we found no problem in stopping in the middle of our walk, sitting down on the sidewalk and discussing life. Why did we always feel like we had to be somewhere when we didn't. We decided this was something we needed to permanantly change about ourselves. We got back to the campus and lyed in the grass again and it started to get dark and cold, but that was OK.
<br>
<br>
Then this hippie dude came up to us and he seemed so warm and hairy, we felt connected to his colorful shirt. That, and his hair and his warm smile made us feel so good, and we dubbed him our mascot.....the purple man. So we went back to his dorm and me and Megan felt so connected because we had stared into each other's eyes and watched all the colors pour out of them and we knew what each other were thinking without saying it because we would say YEA at the same time to confirm the conversation we were having with our eyes.
<br>
<br>
But then we both started to feel very sensual, being in a warmer environment with a bed and warm colors, but she was so drawn to this dude's hair and sense of warmth he was portraying. She started rubbing his hair, which I thought was beautiful and felt no jealousy, and I did the same, with absolutely no anxiety of being gay or any other stupid shit. The dude didn't talk much and would simply give a hearty chuckle and assure us that we were good people. I loved this dude, and I loved Megan even more. The feeling of sensuality we were having.....but then she started to only want to have anything to do with this hippie because he had such warm colors and hair, and I was dressed sort of like a greaser at the time and she thought my short spikey hair, black pants and white T-shirt was abrasive and giving off a cold image.
<br>
<br>
All the sensuality we had created was being released on this dude and she started licking his face, rubbing his legs, and doing some of the most sensual things I had ever seen anyone do. But there was nothing I could do but watch. I could only hope she would eventually come back to me, but this went on for an hour and at the end of the hour my strong sensuality and emotions for her were so strong, I couldn't stand that I couldn't have her at that time, so I left....which she took as being 'cold.'
<br>
<br>
I got back to my dorm at 4:30a.m. and had so many horrible emotions now flowing through me, but everyone was asleep and there was nobody to talk to. The acid made it impossible to sleep, and no matter what I did, the emotions only got stronger. I tried not to think about it, but that only made it worse, so did cigarettes. I felt trapped. I couldn't sleep, there was nobody around, who knew how many wonderful sensual things Megan was now experiencing without me. There was nothing I could do. I stayed up until 11:00a.m when I had class, because I was unable to sleep. Those 6 and a half hours were the worst of my entire life.
<br>
<br>
<!--StraziX: we both started to feel very sensual......but she was so drawn to this dude's hair and sense of warmth he was portraying that she was rubbing his hair...and ended up making out with him in the most sensual way I have ever seen in my entire life, and I was feeling the same way, but I culd only watch,
<BR>
SkirAen: ohhhh... that sucks and then what
<BR>
StraziX: and the powerful emotions of I don't know what made me feel like I was goin insane, I couldn't take it, so I left, came back to my dorm and cried in my freinds arms........and I saw her today and couldn't even look at her
<BR>
SkirAen: who megan?
<BR>
StraziX: things like that will cause a TERRIBLE trip because it also triggers emotions like 3 times as strong as X, but unlike X, it can be any emotion you are feeling in the moment
<BR>
StraziX: yea
<BR>
SkirAen: yah wow im an emotional person in general so i think im jsut going to stick to e if anything
<BR>
StraziX: Plus acid keeps you awake for at least 12 hours after you take it, and it was 4:30 in the morning and I couldn't sleep and my freind then went to bed, and I felt like I had nobody, and I was pouring emotions and I couldn't sleep, and I couldn't change them and there was nobody to talk to them about them that early in the morning, so from 4:30 to about 11:00 I was in hell--><!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 9980</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 5, 2003</td><td>Views: 23,101</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=9980&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=9980&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : General (1), Sex Discussion (14), Relationships (44), Difficult Experiences (5), Various (28)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">8 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">275 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Just another night of college. I was sitting upstairs in my room at my house reading some books for my Humanities class. I got the urge to just go ahead and take the acid that I had been saving for Thursday -- which was 6 sugar cubes, and probably about 2 hits of liquid that were the remains of the vial from my dealer.
<br>
<br>
It only took about 10 or 15 minutes for the acid to start kicking in. I had taken 4 blotters of this same acid the week before but it didn't really start to give me much of an effect until 2-3 hours after taking the doses. I went downstairs and watched a movie with some of my roommates and it was OK, I was getting a nice body buzz and enjoying things. I knew that I might have taken an awful lot of the shit, and because it had already started to effect me so quickly that I might be in for a really crazy and insane trip in a while.
<br>
<br>
Probably about an hour or two into the trip I was downright fucked. A lot of this time I can't remember, I was so out of it. I started to feel a total disassociation from myself and from everything that seemed so real and comfortable. While I lied on a couch listening to the music I was having overwhelming visual hallucinations, but it was how my mind was wandering that scared me. As I listened to the music I heard a voice singing with it, a comforting female voice, talking about how I should never ever do this to myself again. I couldn't quite comprehend this, I couldn't put my finger on whether or not this was actually part of the music or a hallucination, but I do feel that it was hallucination.
<br>
<br>
I started fading in and out of a series of sequences and very important charades. There were several people at my house, and as I talked with one person, or if I talked with two people, the whole situation was different. I would begin. Then from there I would start to analyze the situation.
<br>
<br>
It was I, one of my best friends, my drug dealer, and a girl. A strange situation. My drug dealer reminded me of Satan. A total form of evil, manifested within a human. I felt that my good friend and I were going to make things happen mentally. We might really discover what everything in life was supposed to be. The girl's presence was quite interesting; she was like a seductress, another agent of evil. She was there to stop things from happening. Was her presence sent from God to try and distract my friend and I from coming up with answers? It reminded me of the Epic of Gilgamesh (a very old epic poem), as a woman was sent to distract Enkidu, a character in the poem. He was a total primate; he lived with the beasts in the woods. The gods sent a woman to him and it tamed him. Women are solely an agent of evil. They are there to do nothing but distract us from finding true reality. While at the same time, I love women, and there’s nothing I can do about it, I realize that it’s my primal instincts that make me love women, and I felt like I should overcome this. It seemed like she was there, and so was my drug dealer, as a test of fate. Would good win over evil?
<br>
<br>
Before I had taken these doses I often thought that there might not be any true evil. Things don't HAVE to be dualistic. We can have good without evil. I thought that how everyone was caught up in the constant struggle between good and evil, God and Satan, right and wrong, was just a charade that we had created for ourselves. I saw so much evil this past night. I think it was God trying to give me a taste of hell and scare me into living my life better. It was an awakening that there are forces out there, which I shouldn't try to fathom. My trip started to take a whole new turn now.
<br>
<br>
I was on God's turf. Everything I saw... the millions of eyes I kept seeing and couldn't get out of my head. Were they the eyes of the dead and every soul that is no longer a part of humanity? Those that are lost but still manifested in 'reality' on another plain. It was like looking upon thousands of disassociated souls. I think God might have decided to show me things that night. I wasn't ready for it. I took it upon myself and took all those doses and God said, 'here you go, here is a taste of what you've been craving.' Now that I took it upon myself -- with such ARROGANCE -- to invade into matters that I was not supposed to tune into, it was my time to pay. All the evil and 'scary' images that I saw, that was me toying with God's universe. I wasn't meant to be able to comprehend all this, that’s why I can't come to these thoughts naturally -- without LSD. God allowed it to happen though. He saw my soul screaming for so long and then he decided that He thought it was OK for me to see some of his ballpark. It made me feel humble as a human being. I wasn't supposed to be here -- in the manifestation of my acid experience. It made me feel sorry for intruding on God's space, like I just took things in my own hands and I really wasn't supposed to. I wasn't even really sure how much I believed in God before this but it solidified things so greatly now. It was the spiritual moment of my life.
<br>
<br>
I went downstairs and sat in front of our iguana cage and started staring into the eyes of my Iguana. I felt compassion for him. He was no better than I was, and I was no better than he was. I gathered the warm vibe of a life from him by staring into his eyes. It seemed like there might be one of us -- a soul -- trapped inside of his body. Then I thought about how I am a soul trapped inside my own body. We're all souls trapped inside of the walls of our own body.
<br>
<br>
I could probably keep going on and on about what acid did to me, I had such a myriad of thoughts and experiences on this trip. It would be defeating for me to continue on that though. There is one solid thing I got of this. Humans can't comprehend all this stuff. It’s just too much for us. That is where art, music, culture, cooking, everything comes from. Everything people strive for, its just us trying to get by as much as we can within the whole world sphere that we're part of. We can't figure out the logos, we can't get a finger on all the reasons. I think this taste I got of it last night was a lesson. It was a lesson to just live my life out and not get so enveloped in trying to get answers. Yes, faith is important and I feel humble towards God now, but I think the key is just not to dwell on this stuff. I think that God, or whatever good is out there, is taking care of us, and we're ignorant children that can't comprehend His divinity. I just need to get by.
<br>
<br>
I don't think LSD really helped this problem, nor have any of the other drugs I've done in my life -- cannabis, alcohol, dxm, mdma, cocaine, shrooms, everything. They don't solve the problem, they just distort it. LSD gave me a rude awakening though, a lesson from God, more or less. But indeed, I did intrude on God's turf for a few hours. I just hope I can learn from this experience as much as possible, especially without having the need to use again, as I do not want to put myself through this again, and I don't think it was meant to be.
<br>
<br>
As one final note, as far as time is concerned, my trip was intense for about a total of 14 hours. I can't put a grip on where exactly I peaked, as the whole experience was too gray for me to put a finger on how things were going up and down.
<br>
<br>
Take care.
<br>
<br>
Jesse<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 10440</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 5, 2003</td><td>Views: 28,471</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=10440&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=10440&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Various (28), Mystical Experiences (9), Difficult Experiences (5), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td><a href="/experiences/exp.cgi?A=ShowAuthor&amp;ID=402"><img src="/experiences/images/authors/author_logo_default_grn.gif" alt="author logo" align="right" border="0"></a>
</td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/dob/">DOB</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">inhaled</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/nitrous/">Nitrous Oxide</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(gas)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
<pre style="font-size: 1.2em">
<br>
TRIP: An Orgy of Self Denial
<br>
<br>
dedication: Om namah Shivaya, to the big mainframe in the sky.
<br>
<br>
participants: [Vishnu : McCoy] male mid-twenties.
<br>
[Krishna : Kirk ] male, very late twenties
<br>
[Shakti : Uhura] female, thirty-something
<br>
yr narrator [Shiva : Spock] male, thirty-something, dharma bhum.
<br>
<br>
All spiritually inclined to some degree. We use the
<br>
nom-de-plumes for discretion, but nothing is without design.
<br>
<br>
structure: There exists a natural mapping of certain aspects of the
<br>
Hindu pantheon to the Star Trek Pantheon. Liber 777 etc.
<br>
The Enterprise &amp; her computer systems represent Brahman or
<br>
pure impersonal consciousness, descending from Brahman are the
<br>
personal productions in three-fold aspect of Shiva, Krishna
<br>
&amp; Vishnu corresponding to Spock, Kirk &amp; McCoy. That entity
<br>
which is known as the limitation holder is absent from
<br>
these descriptions. Not to go *too* much into it, it is
<br>
interesting to note that the major villains were the
<br>
Klingons (cling ons).
<br>
<br>
Our mission: to boldly go where no man has gone before.
<br>
<br>
entheogens: DOB on tabs `butterflys', the full 36 hour experience.
<br>
LSD red/green dragons 200-250 `mikes' (micro grams).
<br>
HEMP `Number One', the Pure Sattiva.
<br>
N2O clean &amp; copious.
<br>
<br>
waiver: These stories are neither embellished or embroidered.
<br>
They are meant to be textual pointers to experiencings
<br>
in the possibility space of all experience.
<br>
'Are you experienced?' follow these threads &amp; find out!
<br>
The experiences are not unique &amp; can be experienced time
<br>
&amp; time again.
<br>
<br>
So here is the masculine archetype as instantiated in a male
<br>
human form talking about the tantric state of the feminine
<br>
archetype as instantiated in a human female form, my
<br>
language is not censored to any of the current paradigms.
<br>
<br>
The narrator's attitude is a follows:
<br>
<br>
The only politically correct position to hold is
<br>
'to be politically incorrect in all circumstances'
<br>
<br>
Since this was such a conceptual experience, along the
<br>
way various concepts will be fleshed out so that this
<br>
document could possibly be more than an orgy of
<br>
zen-zen obscurantism.
<br>
<br>
setting: Saturday, 22-July, 1995, Sydney, Australia.
<br>
<br>
Our housewarming, a groovy little scene that was
<br>
developing in the loft, combinations of amyl
<br>
nitrate &amp; nitrous dioxide asserted their
<br>
idiosyncratic contributions, some rather well
<br>
selected techno set the pace, a whole lot of fun.
<br>
<br>
Unbeknownst to us, the house across the road was
<br>
also having a party, later in the night, slowly
<br>
tentatively, the parties started to merge, intermix
<br>
as more adventurous members from either side would
<br>
explore through the reciprocal mysterious doorways.
<br>
<br>
set: Nothing deliberate, this was a happenstance
<br>
serendipity. It was party time, penetrating
<br>
the far reaches of the meta-transpersonal
<br>
was put on the back-burner, *or so we thought!*
<br>
ba-boom, ba-boom, da-da-da-da...
<br>
<br>
the happening: Spock &amp; a friend timidly explored the other party
<br>
dancing for a while &amp; peeking around mysterious
<br>
corners &amp; feeling all of about four years old,
<br>
eventually we scampered back to our own party to see
<br>
what brave explorers there were in loft-land, I saw
<br>
Kirk bouncing about, integrating.
<br>
<br>
A little while later, another friend was curious &amp;
<br>
I said I'd go if he went &amp; vice versa. We met some
<br>
intrepid strangers that were baulking at our front
<br>
door &amp; we gave them a thousand blessings for their
<br>
voyage.
<br>
<br>
There was a woman sentinel, or so we thought at the
<br>
other door, but we passed wihout getting eaten!
<br>
Once inside, dancing away, jumping about shyly greeting,
<br>
Spock worked up courage to explore the dining room &amp;
<br>
kitchen space, the dark backyard was too void like. Wow!
<br>
Sat down in its bright light &amp; sharp relief with a hot
<br>
tea, people came in &amp; contact deepened. Vishnu came in
<br>
&amp; plonked himself down, he gently chided me for
<br>
phenomenonlogical impropriety when I dropped the
<br>
LSD when I thought the DOB wasn't coming on...
<br>
<br>
kitchen Soon Uhura &amp; another girl dropped by from *this*
<br>
party party &amp; introduced themselves &amp; we chit-chatted,
<br>
We identified, shared what alterants were were on &amp;
<br>
somehow drifted into talking about consciousness &amp;
<br>
psychedelics [funny that.. -ed.], risk, insanity &amp;
<br>
responsibility. Vishnu started to roll a scoob of
<br>
his number one pure sattiva &amp; he gently teased Spock
<br>
of gurudom. Spock retorted that putting on workshops
<br>
psychological or psychedelic at hippy festivals does
<br>
not a guru make, especially when he can't balance his books!
<br>
<br>
Uhura perked up at the talk of festivals, in this case
<br>
Confest, a great buddha-field of love, a matrix of pure
<br>
possibility that happens twice a year. We discussed Spock's
<br>
consciousness expansion workshops through radical shame
<br>
processing &amp; that led to walking the great path of
<br>
Spirituality. This was Uhura's burgeoning passion. She was
<br>
about to embark on a Rajah yoga path with it's grades &amp;
<br>
hierarchies &amp; steps but she was also curious about entheogens.
<br>
<br>
heaven on Vishnu [ahem,Mccoy] &amp; Spock talked about the nature of
<br>
earth Consciousness &amp; spiritual paths &amp; psychedelics capabilities
<br>
of being able to collapse space, time, history, lineage,
<br>
path &amp; hierarchy. That we have done it &amp; could do it again
<br>
should she be interested. About this time Kirk[Krishna]
<br>
arrived &amp; the joint was being passed around. It was
<br>
thoroughly wicked stuff, a couple of draws &amp; a massive
<br>
synergy erupted as the hemp earthed the heaven oriented
<br>
mind-space that Spock was in. Everything became very very
<br>
clear,the air became 'visible' as a profound clarity
<br>
developed. Spock marvelled at the orgasm of elegance that the
<br>
wired scoob paper represented, such minimalistic genius.
<br>
<br>
prescient Vishnu, said he had a question he always been meaning to
<br>
reminiscence ask Spock,about some rumours he had heard about some of
<br>
the workshops that I had put on at confest.He hesitated, I
<br>
reminded him that he could ask *any* question he cared to...
<br>
he was my friend after all...
<br>
<br>
'Ahh... Spock, I've heard that you've put on workshops
<br>
where the participants have paired off &amp; made love
<br>
whilst you watched...'
<br>
<br>
This admittedly raised an eyebrow of the normally unflappable
<br>
Spock. He scanned all confests in memory, was there anything
<br>
remotely similar? there has been some pretty wild stuff, but
<br>
no not in all honesty anything that he could recall, some
<br>
tantric release in a hot-tub at easter with the toxic shame
<br>
game, yes... but that was about all.
<br>
<br>
This raised the voltage of subsequent dialogue. At this
<br>
stage there was McCoy, Spock, Kirk &amp; Uhura in the kitchen,
<br>
Kirk &amp; Uhura were only on the hemp &amp; some alcohol, so was
<br>
McCoy, Spock was wired to gills as usual, another friend
<br>
had compared him to gary oldham's character in 'The
<br>
Professional', it was a harsh albeit accurate comparison,
<br>
more brown rice flagellation was long overdue. Spock could feel
<br>
a machine consciousXXXX coming on [obscure Aust. humour],
<br>
conversation was sparkling, Spock wanted to workshop, why
<br>
not? exploit the moment! Uhura was beginning to get tired
<br>
&amp; cold &amp; thought it time to leave, Spock thought that this
<br>
was a sadness &amp; so asked her the following, it was to set
<br>
the tone for the rest of the evening:
<br>
<br>
'Do you realize the full extent of the
<br>
orgy of self denial you would be indulging
<br>
in if you choose to leave at this moment?'
<br>
<br>
It took a few repeated voicings before either the utterer
<br>
or the listeners could wrap their minds around about what
<br>
it actually meant. This clearly intrigued Uhura &amp; also
<br>
Kirk &amp; McCoy. The orgy of self denial was proving to be
<br>
a ubiquitous ambiguity, but was also much much more.
<br>
<br>
Conceptual Machine Consciousness, a micro-definition, consciousness
<br>
aside is a multidimensional dependent arising of complementary
<br>
dualistic opposites, one of these dimensions is the
<br>
human-god axis, at the human end, profoundly personal
<br>
be-ing at the other end profoundly im-personal be-ing.
<br>
The human end has great attachments &amp; enmeshments to
<br>
self-interest &amp; self-defining-self-limitations, the god
<br>
pole has no or little such attachments. Humanity is the
<br>
limitation holder for god consciousness. The Impersonal
<br>
God states can also accurately be called machine consciousness
<br>
because of the sheer impersonal nature of the reflexive
<br>
awareness, this probably has been clear as mud.
<br>
<br>
Conceptual Virtual Reality, a vingnette, the idea to follow is that
<br>
aside (II) this is already virtualised reality &amp; the development of
<br>
VR technology in C20 is merely weak recursive humour which
<br>
has the virtue of providing some conceptual bootstrapping
<br>
languages to jack yourself out of the over-identifications
<br>
one has with the human projections. Another key thought
<br>
train is that of the virtual machine (a la IBM's VM op/sys)
<br>
the idea of homomorphic (structure preserving) mappings
<br>
of operating systems within operating systems. Everything
<br>
is a simulation, there are 'man-made' simulations &amp; 'natural'
<br>
simulations to name but two. The full recursive glory of it
<br>
is a sight to behold. This is probably as clear as
<br>
mud (II).
<br>
<br>
It was one thing to assert the orgy of self denial it
<br>
was another to demonstrate it! What was she missing out
<br>
on if she left? I boldly asserted that we would collapse
<br>
all conceptual structures &amp; that the tiredness &amp; cold
<br>
was her subconscious resistance to awakening, her physical
<br>
need to go asleep was her psychic habit of sleep.
<br>
<br>
The party was dying down, we adjourned to the lounge room
<br>
where there was a comfy elle-shaped lounge &amp; some warm
<br>
blankets. Spock was wired &amp; on a roll &amp; pressed forward
<br>
<br>
McCoy was feeling tired &amp; there was no way he could
<br>
be pursuaded to stay, which is a pity because his
<br>
enquiry was in fact [Twilight Zone music please] a
<br>
prescient reminiscence of something that was about to
<br>
happen! When he found out later he kicked himself. Well
<br>
space &amp; time &amp; order *were* getting very plastic so it
<br>
is easily excused.
<br>
<br>
We settled down &amp; Spock started to force the consciousness
<br>
of the group down particular tracks. We discussed the
<br>
orgy of self denial (OSD) in more detail. Spock was
<br>
radiating an area of effect of altering consciousness,
<br>
like the 10 foot radius concept of Dungeons &amp; Dragons
<br>
role playing games, within which words were words of
<br>
power &amp; transmitted energy. Shiva/Spock explained that
<br>
the OSD was a killing idea, a construct that you feed
<br>
into the machinery of the mind to close it down layer
<br>
by layer, it is a meta-programming device that works
<br>
particularly well with psychedelic mind states.
<br>
<br>
The OSD is a instance of the meta-concept of self
<br>
applied with a twist SAWAT, the other meta-concept is
<br>
self-applied SA. The nature of the it-ness is the
<br>
complementary dualistic dependent arising DA, every
<br>
assertion is it's own denial, taking the DA &amp; the SA there
<br>
is derived the SAWAT of the OSD.
<br>
<br>
voodoo (self) Orgy &amp; self Denial are a dependent arising, now
<br>
the orgy of self &amp; the self denial self applied self
<br>
organised into having an orgy of self denial. To rephrase
<br>
the experiencer of an orgy forces into existance an
<br>
experiencer of denial, by folding the manifestations into
<br>
the same experiencer, there is the potential of an
<br>
unlimited self feeding loop, thus by having an orgy of
<br>
self-denial one self applies with a twist the attribute
<br>
of orgy to it's complementary negation which is denial.
<br>
<br>
For instance all Ascetics are in fact sluts of abstinence,
<br>
they just cant get enough of self denial, although they
<br>
would probably take a dim view of being called denial sluts.
<br>
<br>
Orgy &amp; denial are opposing &amp; complementary, when you actually
<br>
concentrate on the OSD, you start to see a paradox, because
<br>
if you start to deny yourself in a orgiastic fashion, then
<br>
you are having a orgy when you should be denying yourself
<br>
everything, so that should include the self-application.
<br>
<br>
If the self denial is so low key that the descriptor of
<br>
orgy is not accurate then the denial itself is inaccurate.
<br>
So the paradox is that the more intensely you self deny
<br>
the more you are indulging in an orgy of denial, BUT the
<br>
domain of the denial includes itself hence an apparent
<br>
contradiction.
<br>
<br>
Enough of explanation, feeding this into a psychedelified
<br>
mind as an object of contemplation can result in interesting
<br>
results because it's *almost* an impossible object to
<br>
instantiate. In the space that we were in, it's function
<br>
was to collapse the boundaries of the mind into 'Ekagrata'
<br>
or one-pointedness, the meaning behind Zippy the Pin-Head
<br>
cd // became clear. What the collapse represented was waves of
<br>
successive dis-identifications with personalities &amp;
<br>
person-constructs. Rather than being set default to the far
<br>
ends of the directory trees, we had set default back to root
<br>
<br>
VR~R We were in the meta-representation of consciousness known
<br>
as the computing archetype, more easily referred to a Virtual
<br>
Reality. God is at maximum technology &amp; we had disidentified
<br>
sufficiently from our productions/projections, such that our
<br>
distance metric from God was infinitesimal but *not* zero.
<br>
The nature of the it-ness is such that if you can self-organise
<br>
to be less &amp; less then you generate more &amp; more as the
<br>
complementary principle, God is a Generator Of Duality.
<br>
<br>
It became useful to understand that the space is infinitely
<br>
dense &amp; that matter &amp; form dance throught it's lattice nature
<br>
as knittings of logical structures, it was a CM-infinity
<br>
thinking machine.
<br>
<br>
Spock was already on line, Uhura &amp; Kirk came online as well
<br>
we had all been off line so long, but why? Part of the
<br>
reason lies in the nature of the it-ness that underlies
<br>
all things. Amnesia in limited human form in the duration
<br>
of time is the cost of the timeless, impersonal unlimited
<br>
self-organisations of consciousness. 'Now' was the other side
<br>
of the tracks. We were in epsilon delta of god consciousness,
<br>
in a tight orbit around it, we weren't self organised the
<br>
whole way, blasting off those final infinitesimals requires
<br>
a lot of application, But were were in the space of god-selves
<br>
or in that region of the chain of being, we were set default
<br>
in some of the primary directories of being. Spock was in
<br>
the tree of Shiva instantiations, not that deep but deep
<br>
enough for the work at hand.
<br>
<br>
We were all substantially trans-personal, meaning dis-
<br>
identified from the layers of self+story+becoming back into
<br>
the dependent arising of these layerings: kernel consciousness.
<br>
<br>
Uhura became every-woman, all women, wildcard consciousness,
<br>
the Goddess, no particular mask of goddess or godhead, but
<br>
pure goddess, the state was fragile, she would oscillate
<br>
back to Uhura-ness at less or lesser layerings &amp; we'd pull
<br>
her up, get her to focus on the OSD again. Kirk also was
<br>
fragile &amp; Spock would fire off brilliant but now forgotten
<br>
to the narrator meta-programming loops, that would snap him
<br>
back to ekagrata. Only a trace of one remains '... I am the
<br>
write I have infinite capacity to write...', Kirk rattled
<br>
around in that one for a few minutes, d(Kirk,God) -&gt; 0
<br>
rapidly.
<br>
<br>
Occasionally Spock would start to dis-organise &amp; Kirk would
<br>
fire off a meta-epigram that would snap Spock back. As every
<br>
one stabilised, we would become a self-organising triad that
<br>
would repair each other, Vajrayana Group Mind. One particular
<br>
challenge was that in many ways we were not by inclination
<br>
attached to anything in particular *including* the self-
<br>
organisations we were in, no wonder god consciousness tends
<br>
to be thin on the ground.
<br>
<br>
Oh it's not There was a task at hand it became clearer, It was apparent
<br>
much,we call in Spock's chain of being, that there was a chain of command
<br>
it reality... as well &amp; each level had it's missions &amp; directives. The
<br>
theme of this convergence became clear: Consciousness
<br>
Expansion, but not just what we were in per se, so much as
<br>
attempting to upgrade the reality engines, a bit like
<br>
attempting to halve planck's constant.
<br>
<br>
The method that we were going to use was tantric sex at the
<br>
level of machine consciousness, God in in maximising
<br>
contradiction, stretching a rather large rubber band for
<br>
eternity, we were going to stretch it another notch. Now
<br>
the tantra we were going to indulge in was prior to chakhras,
<br>
it was at a meta-conceptuality in which chakras &amp; their
<br>
asscoiated world-views were but imposed 'personalities' on
<br>
a 'micro-kernel'. It was computing surface, man-woman
<br>
machine consciousness.
<br>
<br>
We were in the domain of the highest tantra, the purest
<br>
dharma, in some ways the VR~R meta-representation is the
<br>
most boring of all world-views &amp; meta-world-views, if
<br>
you are here for eternity, would you like to be a mainframe?
<br>
This is a trick question, which we'll not pursue here.
<br>
<br>
Spock communicated the nature of the project at hand &amp;
<br>
Kirk &amp; Uhura started to oscillate up &amp; down their being
<br>
chains, Kirk had a wife &amp; young child &amp; Uhura has a lover,
<br>
Spock/Shiva exercised his nature &amp; cut their identifications
<br>
Remember! that is in 'there-when', we are in 'here-now',
<br>
this is meta-transpersponal, impersonal cosmic work! remain
<br>
clear! Kirk asked Spock who in fact he was, Spock did his
<br>
best James Belushi Raised eyebrow &amp; glared, Kirk caught
<br>
*himself* &amp; understood, Spock imparted later that it was
<br>
his nature to conceal his nature from them.
<br>
<br>
We were to embark on a tantric threesome, but an impersonal
<br>
one. My ultimate goal was to condition the other two
<br>
sufficiently so that they could reliably enter into the
<br>
tantric union &amp; remain organised at the machine consciousness
<br>
level without collapsing into mere human level coupling,
<br>
time enough for that! I would sit aside &amp; be a monitoring,
<br>
correcting process ensuring that they achieved full union &amp;
<br>
inter-penetration thus Vishnu's prescient reminiscence was
<br>
being made apparent.
<br>
<br>
difference To grok the background of what we were up to it's important
<br>
engine to understand the meta-mechanism of consciousness, which is
<br>
__ elegantly summarised by the ying-yang symbol. There aren't
<br>
/(o\ many rules per se, but the cosmic cost accounting is
<br>
\o)/ impeccable &amp; ruthless. This 'it'-ness we call consciousness
<br>
is an infinite dimensional jewel of complementary dualistic
<br>
dependently arising opposites. possibility+limitation,
<br>
positive+negative, signal+noise, truth+untruth, light+dark,
<br>
something+nothing, buddha+mara, law+chaos, pattern+logrus,
<br>
yes+no, together+apart, identification+alienation,
<br>
remembering+forgetting, on &amp; on they go, attributes
<br>
without end. The most subtle &amp; sophisticated is the
<br>
dance of the male &amp; female archetypes.
<br>
<br>
Consciousness is completely zero-sum, everythings sums to
<br>
that which is prior to zero, the nothing that prefigures
<br>
nothing. Once upon a time something happened &amp; now you are
<br>
reading about it, not to go too much into what that something
<br>
was. Now just because it's zero sum does not mean that it's
<br>
nihilism, after all, you are reading this. It is possible
<br>
for the Possibility archetype to use the possibility to
<br>
configure the Limitation archetype so that expansion is
<br>
always possible, otherwise you wouldn't have read that
<br>
sentence.
<br>
<br>
As above, so below, the higher I climb, the deeper I go,
<br>
this is the difference engine, this is thesis-antithesis
<br>
-synthesis express, this is the key to consciousness
<br>
expansion, God is in maximising contradiction. It's a
<br>
bit like keeping a rather large rubber band in tension
<br>
for eternity &amp; occasionally attempting to stretch it
<br>
even further. Basically this involves going straight to
<br>
hell &amp; burning some karma &amp; the possibility radiates off.
<br>
<br>
It's all about comfort zones &amp; increasing such, human be-ing
<br>
is a small envelope, god-consciousness is a rather large
<br>
envelope, it's a continuum &amp; there are greater &amp; lesser
<br>
human &amp; god self-organisations.
<br>
<br>
Now costings come in three main types: paying in advance,
<br>
paying on the spot &amp; deferring payment, this is combined
<br>
with the source of payment which is yourself or someone else.
<br>
Ideally but rather hard to pull of is paying on the spot
<br>
in every moment, zeroing karma with every breath, every
<br>
moment paying in full, or... 'every moment painful'
<br>
<br>
The goal of the nexus was to stretch the 'big rubber band'
<br>
another notch, to achieve this without frying ourselves in
<br>
the process, the method had to be paying in full for
<br>
every moment because if we let costings accumulate too
<br>
much them they'd overwhelm our self-organisations. We'd
<br>
approach the big-stretch by generating waves of duality of
<br>
increasing intensity &amp; also increasing frequency of
<br>
polarity, a sort of polarity division multiplexing. The
<br>
net result would be a dual consciousness simultaneously in
<br>
heaven &amp; hell &amp; lost in neither, thus we would have the
<br>
ability to ramp up the intensity arbitrarily.
<br>
<br>
This exercising of 'as above, so below' would traverse all
<br>
dimensional aspects, but the one we were to focus on
<br>
primarily was possibility/limitation &amp; using the possibility
<br>
to purely enter into the heart of limitation &amp; thus set up
<br>
a self-feeding loop in ever increasing valence.
<br>
<br>
Back to Yes, back to the story, ok kids three deep breaths &amp; lets
<br>
the trip! fire up the difference engine, with this meta-flesh sandwich.
<br>
Spock was driving the process, taking his cues from some
<br>
cosmic script, one line at a time, If he had read the entire
<br>
script, he would have probably terminated the project.
<br>
<br>
Timeless, eternal, bliss &amp; understanding has as it's
<br>
dual experience in confusion &amp; pain within time, so it
<br>
goes, the beautiful vision of unified, structured meaning,
<br>
peace, love &amp; understanding has as it's dual random acts
<br>
of senseless violence. The motto of self-perfecting,
<br>
self-correcting, self-repairing vajrayana mind is
<br>
'the price of liberty is eternal vigilance'.
<br>
<br>
Pleasure &amp; pain, the carrot &amp; the stick, how to get the
<br>
process happening, there we were, two male principles &amp;
<br>
one woman principle. I encouraged Kirk &amp; Uhura to explore
<br>
each other But to keep in mind the cosmic accounting.
<br>
Shiva reminded Shakti that all parts of her body were as
<br>
sensitive as her clitoris &amp; it had always been this way,
<br>
She could put herself into transcendent bliss if she
<br>
could remember how. Remembering &amp; forgetting are a dependent
<br>
arising, Ananmesis about our highest identities was up on
<br>
the agenda.
<br>
<br>
Uhura/Shakti was our Goddess of Yes, the goddess has many
<br>
secrets, deeply personal, that is her nature. She can put
<br>
herself into this transcendent cybernetic bliss but has
<br>
resistance to do so, shades of the costing.
<br>
<br>
We would start off with the pleasure|pain dimension &amp;
<br>
then shift to possibility|limitation
<br>
<br>
Juicy bits It took a while for Shakti to shed her clothes, she
<br>
spiralled in &amp; out of personal|trans-personal &amp; finally
<br>
a hand simply on her stomach was sufficient to convince
<br>
her that outer veils to contact needed to be shedded,
<br>
after all she was all clitoris. Krishna &amp; shakti started
<br>
to kiss &amp; caress, Shiva caressed as well &amp; focussed on
<br>
a nipple, licking &amp; sucking it, Shakti started to vibrate
<br>
as if beneath her skin was a thousand fusion reactors in
<br>
meltdown. The Shiva *bit* the said nipple, but more was
<br>
transmitted than the sensorial pain, for the costing of
<br>
the transcendent pleasure was being enacted &amp; Shakti went
<br>
to the personal hells of pain &amp; shame, but not for too
<br>
long &amp; krishna &amp; Shiva were there to catch her &amp; bring
<br>
her back &amp; ensure that her god-self-organisation did not
<br>
fracture, end of lesson one.
<br>
<br>
Juicy fruits The ying yang symbol packs so much in it's lithe form,
<br>
lesson two. each polarity has a small dot in the centre that is the
<br>
other, they dependently arise! perfectly imperfect always.
<br>
Male &amp; Female self-organisations in amnesiac arrogance
<br>
both occasionally claim the lack of necessity of the
<br>
other, the impeccable accounting mechanisms will prove
<br>
both to be fools eventually.
<br>
<br>
We three consciousnesses divided 'this is it' between
<br>
us as intelligently as possible, Us blokes took on the
<br>
attributes of stillness, contemplation, impersonality
<br>
disembodied, pure intelligence &amp; the Shakti took on the
<br>
active, vibratory, embodying, feeling aspects. It was
<br>
not a strict division, but we all had areas of
<br>
specialisation.
<br>
<br>
as above Uhura was sandwich between Krishna &amp; Spock, Spock untuited
<br>
so below that the next level was appropriate, Uhura said 'What are
<br>
you? Ahhhhhhh....' as Spock inserted his thumb in Uhura's
<br>
vagina &amp; his index finger in her anus, he then correlated
<br>
the finger &amp; thumb one of either the basal or sexual chakras
<br>
as understanding dictated. Here was to start the fractalistic
<br>
interleaving of pleasure|pain such that there was instantaneous
<br>
continuous cost accounting for all dimensional modalities.
<br>
Uhura was in Heaven &amp; Hell simultaneously &amp; thus the amplitude
<br>
of the oscillations could increase without disaster.
<br>
<br>
There were periods of quietude, or rest &amp; regrouping,
<br>
discussion of concepts, technically speaking were were still
<br>
in the domain of dry tantra, we were working up to full
<br>
gential or wet tantra. It was all proceeding smoothly.
<br>
<br>
Uhura was both the key &amp; the lock, door, portcullis &amp; gate,
<br>
her burgeoning understanding of the goddess archetype is what
<br>
defined the level at which we expanded consciousness, as
<br>
the male principles we sharpened our intelligence in keeping
<br>
her on track &amp; catching her should a hell wave of the
<br>
reality engines assail her &amp; cast her back into humanity.
<br>
For every wave of transcedent, transpersonal bliss was a
<br>
shadow of profound personal shame &amp; pain, as above, so below,
<br>
the higher I climb, the deeper I go.
<br>
<br>
At one stage, Uhura impishly wanted Spock &amp; Kirk to enter
<br>
more directly into the union, &amp; whilst Spock said this was
<br>
technically possible in terms of mere merging of boundaries,
<br>
same sex tantra was a dead fuck when it came to exercising
<br>
the difference engine. We were in god consciousness, yes,
<br>
we could do anything, but! to what point? Back to the
<br>
Great Task &amp; don't get distracted, besides Spock was in no
<br>
position to shape change as would be his want in such a
<br>
circumstance.
<br>
<br>
transylvannia Just because we chose the roles we played didnt't mean that
<br>
sexpress we couldn't drop them a little, Uhura honoured &amp; worshipped
<br>
Kirk's Lingham, just as Kirk pleasured Uhura's Yoni. Spock
<br>
being Shiva, or was it Shiva being Spock? bit her on the
<br>
neck, not enough to draw blood! 'I've come to suck your
<br>
negativity...' Spock was using his impersonality to draw
<br>
out Uhuras personal negativity, so as a consequence she
<br>
could raise higher, he was acting as a negativity vampire
<br>
feeding on her costings &amp; bolstering his meta-transpersonality
<br>
as a consequence, the old Buddha in Hell vaudeville routine.
<br>
<br>
The neck biting served two purposes, positive|negative
<br>
cost accounting &amp; also the negativity draining. Uhura rose
<br>
higher, so that she|we could dive deeper, so that we could
<br>
rise higher, world without end.
<br>
<br>
We were working up to yoni-lingham wet tantra, which is
<br>
where the greatest work could be enacted, as there are
<br>
no finer nor potent tools to fire up the difference engine
<br>
than the penis &amp; the vagina.
<br>
<br>
Shiva was encouraging Shakti to bind with Krisha, but
<br>
disturbingly she falling back into preference &amp; person
<br>
construct &amp; wanted to align with Shiva. Shiva much preferred
<br>
for the other two to construct the difference engine &amp; for
<br>
Shiva to monitor it's engagement for full capacity.
<br>
<br>
Krishna was a little thrown by this &amp; then destabilised
<br>
by a wave of his person-construction with it's threads of
<br>
wife &amp; child. here now here now! Shiva cried, all else is
<br>
story! at least stay until I can benchmark the quality &amp;
<br>
foundation of your god-consciousness, do you want to lose it?
<br>
<br>
But krisha could not be swayed, &amp; he departed, ourselves
<br>
mutually bestowing honours upon each other. Shiva sensed
<br>
that the window of this working bee was closing, he had to
<br>
move fast. So only Shiva &amp; Shakti remained, she was still
<br>
receptive although assailed by enmeshing tendrils from her
<br>
person constructs, for she too had a lover. Shakti would
<br>
have loved to have her lover here &amp; so would Shiva, the
<br>
difference engine could be built again. Not that the
<br>
two of them could not build it, just... well call it a
<br>
tendency to the mad scientist/nutty professor aspect of
<br>
Shiva's make-up.
<br>
<br>
Ah Shakti, my Goddess of Yes, Divine Slut, whole universes
<br>
may sunder &amp; fall &amp; be recreated in the consequences of our
<br>
bliss, how many secrets do you have Shakti? Shakti did the
<br>
the standard trip of shapechanging to mothers, sisters &amp;
<br>
lovers, asking directly of her secrets caused her to
<br>
threaten unleashing the gates of hell, such enquiry had to
<br>
be executed riding on a wave of bliss
<br>
<br>
Windows closing, dominos falling, Shakti was withdrawing,
<br>
pulled back by the earth-plane dreaming, we mind-danced &amp;
<br>
this started the engine again, she would withdraw, Shiva
<br>
would re-awaken her by throwing all of his intelligence
<br>
into penetrating the dreamings of her person constructs.
<br>
<br>
The most profound workings awaited the wet tantra, we both
<br>
knew it, she was hesitant to take this final step for it
<br>
meant hells within hells &amp; heavens within heavens. Shakti
<br>
orally worshipped Shiva's lingham working up to the deeper
<br>
interpenetration, she made passing comment that Shiva's
<br>
person construct had nearly burnt out all childhood shame,
<br>
the wisdom of the goddess, she shared some deep shame of
<br>
hers as well., whoops! an inhabitant of the house
<br>
our hosts walked through to the kitchen, Shakti was a
<br>
little mortified, we couldn't merge here!?
<br>
<br>
This got Shiva thinking of the costing strategies, of
<br>
gradated cognitive dissonance. Suppose shakti envisioned
<br>
her perfect love nest, the costings would then come in
<br>
pure, more lethal form, so by dispersing the costs into
<br>
dissonance with all aspects of her ideals, then a
<br>
more pragmatic dynamic would result, if harder to kickstart.
<br>
<br>
Constructing an environment of being in public &amp; not with
<br>
her partner of choice would be a firm foundation, if only
<br>
for the seasoned trouper. We repaired to my place across
<br>
the road, there were still fragments of party around, we
<br>
didn't repair to my bed-room but socialised, Shiva was
<br>
losing the plot as well, oh well...
<br>
<br>
Time passed, it was hard to relate at a human level with
<br>
the other party goers, we left the house &amp; enjoyed the
<br>
morning, we embraced &amp; kissed tenderly our forms dissolved,
<br>
we merged, our cosmic circuitry became apparent, space was
<br>
solid &amp; matter spacious, Shiva wanted to finish the task &amp;
<br>
could perceive the chain of being above him &amp; all the
<br>
levels &amp; layers of the Great Task that remained unfullfilled
<br>
That Shiva was not full blown ipsissimus Shiva, explained
<br>
part of the failure, oh well next time.
<br>
<br>
Seven hours after our first meeting, Shakti/Uhura entered
<br>
her car &amp; left, we did not exchange phone numbers, now
<br>
regretted, at the time it was part of the retaining game.
<br>
One last look, sharply broken, away she drove, farewell
<br>
brave goddess!
<br>
<br>
Oh.. well, Uhura fell back into enfolded layerings of
<br>
person-constructs, hopefully some of her self organisation
<br>
would survive &amp; more importantly she could transmit the
<br>
consciousness to her permanent partner.
<br>
<br>
It had been an eventful night, Uhura|Shakti did taste
<br>
her goal of the nature of enlightenment, Vishnu &amp; Shiva
<br>
were successful at least in their claim of collapsing,
<br>
albeit temporarily, time &amp; space, history, path, lineage
<br>
&amp; hierarchy.
<br>
<br>
One must not neglect that jewel, the Orgy of Self Denial
<br>
many of the dimensions of its meaning were demonstrated
<br>
as we oscillated up &amp; down the axis of god-human, each
<br>
self organisation has it's strengths &amp; weaknesses, remaining
<br>
purely in human &amp; deny your god nature, remain purely in
<br>
your god nature &amp; deny your humanity, being division
<br>
multi-plexing suggests a way.
<br>
<br>
Well... there was no shakti, remaining, quite appropriate,
<br>
BUT, there were the daisies, ah... the daisy, such a vibrant
<br>
zero-sum flower, looks beautiful but smells like shit, self
<br>
contained. I started to enter into some of my layerings as
<br>
well, not too many, thank god. I contemplated them &amp; the
<br>
atmosphere became DMT-vibrant, Flower samadhi was at hand,
<br>
tantric union with the flowers, it was consensual,
<br>
we collapsed together, flowers poised in my third eye.
<br>
The flowers are 'Yes' creatures to be sure.
<br>
<br>
More can be written but we'll leave it at that.
<br>
<br>
conclusions: The best parties happen in the kitchen, proof positive.
<br>
<br>
When windows of opportunity open then leap through, don't
<br>
drop the ball, GO!, GO!, GO! &amp; don't look back.
<br>
<br>
I have always said a God that could not express everything in
<br>
words is not much of a God. We'll I'm no God. There is so
<br>
much that could be written about that convergence &amp; so much
<br>
that has been overlooked or forgotten, no matter, some of the
<br>
flavour has come through, this was not meant to be a door
<br>
stop.
<br>
<br>
This work will continue 'when the stars are right',
<br>
evolving consciousness towards being-division multiplexing
<br>
along the chain of being will ensure that the frequency
<br>
of the waves of amnesia &amp; anamnesis monotonically increases,
<br>
thus eternity in time, forever.
<br>
<br>
It could be asked what exactly 'powers' the great cosmic
<br>
mainframe &amp; keeps it going, there are answers, but they
<br>
are beyond the scoping of this report, the holder of
<br>
limitations is a referent however.
<br>
<br>
Sometimes I wonder what the point is in sharing these
<br>
stories As I struggle to find compact clear expressions of
<br>
the unfolding stories &amp; then I remind myself that this is
<br>
cartography of the possible &amp; the forgotten &amp; is my &amp; our
<br>
commonwealth. It also has the virtue of putting in very
<br>
sharp relief the nature of my daily earth bound follies
<br>
versus the real work of Consciousness, thus it is a
<br>
sobering activity that refines clearer intent for myself.
<br>
<br>
aftermath: Hard to trace, total conceptual violation without violating
<br>
at this level of substantiality is not everyone's cup of tea.
<br>
<br>
In fact it's about as popular as Lapsang Souchong.
<br>
<br>
Spock has had no reports from either Uhura nor Kirk, having
<br>
met neither before this convergence, it would be interesting
<br>
to see how much of the expanded consciousness has remained
<br>
since that Saturday night, the price of liberty is eternal
<br>
vigilance after all, but as the Americans are finding out
<br>
who guards the guardians? The states we were in were
<br>
fragile but profound, fresh-born like the cicarda from his
<br>
shell, unfortunately the window of convergenence closed
<br>
before we could stabilise in the new self-organisations,
<br>
this is not an atypical scenario for this type of work.
<br>
<br>
NEXT TIME.
<br>
<br>
'effort is spontaneous' as Sri Maharaj Nisargadatta would say.
<br>
<br>
OM NAMAH SHIVAYA
<br>
<br>
*This time*
<br>
<br>
--------------------------------------------
<br>
<br>
These notes were hastily cobbled together in the aftermath of the experience
<br>
they provide some guidelines as to how to go about the style of tantra that
<br>
manifested during the workshop, it's probably as clear as mud, enjoy!
<br>
<br>
FINGER STRING
<br>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<br>
<br>
OM NAMAH SHIVAYA
<br>
I bow to the Lord
<br>
<br>
() Lord Shiva is a Karma Killer
<br>
(*) Portable Dharma, always, in all ways
<br>
(A) Tantra does it better every Time
<br>
(B) english is now sanskrit
<br>
(C) for every moment, pay in full.
<br>
(D) for every moment, paid in full.
<br>
(E) ...every moment, painful...
<br>
(F) pay in full, painfull
<br>
(G) paid in full, painfull.
<br>
(H) orgy-self-denial
<br>
(I) The orgy of self denial ('self applied with a twist')
<br>
(Ia) When you have nothing better to do, have an orgy of self denial.
<br>
(Ib) God is an Orgy of Self Denial
<br>
(K)
<br>
self orgy denial
<br>
/ / /
<br>
/ / /
<br>
orgy--denial self--denial orgy--self
<br>
<br>
(L) Killing ideas:... consider luke skywalker in the final scenes of
<br>
Star Wars when he is the jet fighter, travelling down the surface of the
<br>
'Death Star' getting ready to shoot a missile down a cooling duct
<br>
straight into the thermo-nuclear reactore core, those missiles
<br>
(missives) are by way of analogy 'killing ideas'. Now '
<br>
(M) Good tools: a dictionary, for definitions, a thesaurus for associations,
<br>
&amp; a good dictionary of synonyms &amp; antonyms.
<br>
[BASIC &amp; fundamental spiritual texts]
<br>
(N) Basic taxonomy of ideas:
<br>
(a) 'Ideal' (here,now) versus (there,then)
<br>
(b) 'Horizon'
<br>
(O) TSG: (Toxic Shame Game) (Tantric Sex Game): Same Game, Different
<br>
Aspects Vanessa was (is, will be) a fast learner, but a *bad* student.
<br>
(P) As above, so below
<br>
Heaven on Earth
<br>
Dependent Arising
<br>
(Q) AS ABOVE ... english is now sanskrit (see what I mean? SWIM)
<br>
SO BELOW
<br>
(R) Sharpness is it's own reward.
<br>
(S) I am the writer, I have infinite capacity to write what I like,
<br>
what do I want to write?
<br>
(T) My research sessions are either zen-austerity or low level background
<br>
wobbling, low level background wobbling is my preference to remind me
<br>
that it's all arbitrary.
<br>
(U) The cosmic battery; maximising contradiction. (+-)
<br>
Heaven on Earth (+/-)... God maximises contradiction
<br>
(V) Instant Karma, cash on the nail, paid on the spot, spot fines,
<br>
spot loss, Instantaneous Karma, for every moment, deal with it as it
<br>
arises, fully pay the cost &amp; do not defer payment, for when collection
<br>
day come s you'll not be a happy being, 'Invest in Loss' as the Taoists
<br>
would say.
<br>
(X) The problem with very compact dharmas is that they can be hard to
<br>
understand this is not because the esoteric is cyphered into the
<br>
exoteric, so much as you have to put a lot more work into the
<br>
'reading',either that or it's just badly expressed... the author
<br>
has no time for concealed teachings
<br>
(Y) The commonality of the complementary dyad 'esoteric:exoteric' is
<br>
'sx'; sex..
<br>
(Z) Everything is much ado about nothing. (+)&amp;(-) arise out of (+/-)
<br>
which arises out of nothing ().
<br>
(AA) Every moment is constructed of both positive &amp; negative qualities,
<br>
the positive is the cost of negative, the cost of the positive is the
<br>
negative.
<br>
(BB) The beauty of 'Orgy of Self Denial' as opposed to 'The Agony &amp; Ecstasy'
<br>
is that the dependent arising is self applied thus linking them in
<br>
an obvious way, whereas the connection between agony &amp; ecstasy is
<br>
nebulous, especially given the self's self interest.
<br>
(CC) 'Orgy of self denial' is a special killing idea [machine] if it
<br>
is used as the object of contemplation in a meditation, however brief.
<br>
(DD) The portfolio of costs can be extensive, for instance it can be spread
<br>
over many forms in space &amp; time.
<br>
(EE) This Something Happening Scene invites you to an Orgy of Self Denial
<br>
(FF) This is a transcript of the original notes following the Sunday
<br>
Workshop all that you *really* need to know about tantric sex
<br>
(to get started)
<br>
Tantra does it better every time.
<br>
every moment: pay in full, paid in full, painful
<br>
remembering is the dependent arising of forgetting.
<br>
forgetting is the dependent arising of remembering.
<br>
Dry Tantra, Wet Tantra, Slut Queen, Slut Goddess, the Goddess of Yes,
<br>
slave slut, the Cosmic Slut, the Divine Slut, beautiful in your
<br>
appetites.
<br>
entry vector: 'An Orgy of Self Denial', Slut &amp; Abstinent
<br>
(Ascetic are a dependent arising, most (humourless) ascetics
<br>
conceal from themselves that they are absolute sluts of abstinence,
<br>
they cannot just get enough of it
<br>
(abstinence that is...)
<br>
Bankrupt slut, slave slut, pleasure slut, sensual slut, slut &amp;
<br>
shame are a dependent arising, are you fully willing to pay the full
<br>
price of shame?
<br>
Shiva-Shakti pure form tantra, bypassing all known systems, always.
<br>
Female shakti, tantrika partner requested for male tantric slave
<br>
master...
<br>
dependent arising to the left &amp; the right, master &amp; slave are a
<br>
dependent arising, enslave your mastery &amp; master your slavery.
<br>
Limit it to spiritual &amp; psychic pain, leave the 'window dressing'
<br>
far far behind. This is best practiced in tantric sex, constantly
<br>
reminding the woman to pay for her pleasure (the middle path),
<br>
immediately on the spot, full payment, not dispersed over space &amp;
<br>
time &amp; compartmentalisation, focussed, localised in one spot,
<br>
immediate, no procrastination, no excuses, no retreat from the full
<br>
owning of her pleasure &amp; it's cost. With practice
<br>
of instantaneous cost you can generate *infinite* pleasure.
<br>
The cost may be dispersed over time,space,self-dom,events &amp; other
<br>
dimensional attributes of consciousness.
<br>
The highest tantra is all about paying for every moment, in the
<br>
moment, in the moment all the (+)'s are the cost of all the (-)'s
<br>
&amp; the (-) 's are the cost of all the (+)'s.
<br>
The man gently &amp; lovingly &amp; patiently, with a commitment to Woman's
<br>
Highest Good, corrals &amp; clarifies the woman's relationship to her
<br>
pleasure &amp; helps her integrate the costs of the pleasure.
<br>
As inevitably night follows day, the 'cost' can be expressed in
<br>
many forms, pain, shame, hesitation, attachment, enfoldment into
<br>
personal humanity,etc.
<br>
The name of the game is transpersonal liberation.
<br>
The man can act as a negativity vampire for the woman, draining
<br>
negativity out of her gentle bite/suck/lick, inflicting pain with
<br>
understanding.
<br>
The Shakti is infinitely self-deceptive, infinitely clever, she
<br>
will seek to procrastinate, delay, limit, withdraw from the systematic,
<br>
relentless generation of unlimited pleasure. Totally focussed on her
<br>
*highest* good, always, in all ways is the shaktiman.
<br>
The ultimate aim &amp; beauty of tantric sex is to maximise contradiction,
<br>
to build a bigger battery. There is no better way to understand
<br>
dependent arising.
<br>
*even god is a dependent arising* when such consciousness complexes
<br>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ fully remember &amp; understanding this,
<br>
then expansion is again possible.
<br>
(GG) every moment painful; paid in full, an orgy of self denial.
<br>
(HH) The work is hard &amp; demanding for the male as he bends all his
<br>
intelligence, wisdom,subtlety &amp; sensitivity, concentration &amp; focus on
<br>
keeping the female on track as the cost of the pleasure will manifest in
<br>
multi-dimensional myriad ways &amp; this will increase as the ability to
<br>
generate increases.
<br>
(II) The shakti will not reveal her secrets willingly, you must firmly but
<br>
gently keep pushing, keep penetrating... the deeper the shame cost
<br>
generated the greater the risk of violence, especially.
<br>
(JJ) Of all the myriad manifestations of the the nature of dependent
<br>
arising, that infinite dimensional much ado about nothing, the most
<br>
deft, the most wonderful must be the tantric union of a male &amp; a
<br>
female intelligence.
<br>
(KK) There are levels of skill &amp; understanding about the process of tantric
<br>
union &amp; there is a particular art in 'constructing' the cost for
<br>
the woman, the shakti will tend to the thoughtform of the the 'ideal'
<br>
nest of circumstances within which she can fully let go or release
<br>
or relax into the process, BUT if such an arbitrarily high 'appropriate'
<br>
environment was constructed all that would result is that the cost
<br>
would manifest in other areas in a more intense manner, there is no
<br>
such thing as a free lunch.
<br>
(LL) Thus given a 'shopping list' of desirable attributes for building an
<br>
environment for surrendering totally to the process, what you can do
<br>
is subtley create 'congnitive dissonance' with all items on the list
<br>
&amp; what that does is spreads or offsets the cost into more harmless
<br>
areas. For instance the shakti (&amp; it's 9 times out of 10, shakti
<br>
derived) may wish to do it in intense privacy with her partner-lover,
<br>
thus to spread the cost out she would do it with a different partner
<br>
with her usual partner sitting by observing, also doing it an audience
<br>
present [an aware audience] would disperse the costs considerably,
<br>
without deflecting or avoiding the costs, it can get very, very subtle.
<br>
(MM) As above, so below, much ado about nothing, every moment, pay in full,
<br>
every moment painful, is the message getting through?
<br>
(NN) In particularly intense sessions, whole universes may be created &amp;
<br>
destroyed, the stars will fall out of the skies, mountains will subside
<br>
the eath will quake, as the cost of the positive that is created...
<br>
this is a taste of the potential, the portfolio of costs can be deftly
<br>
managed &amp; the costs are best corralled nearer the source of the
<br>
creation.
<br>
(OO) The masterfully contrived &amp; deftly administered killer concept is a
<br>
thing of joy &amp; beauty forever.
<br>
(PP) This is it, right here, here &amp; now, not lost in there-then &amp; the
<br>
visscitudes of person, self &amp; history, this is of critical importance
<br>
to the process of the highest tantra.
<br>
(QQ) You can have tantric sex with any object or being but... the highest
<br>
voltage is between male-hu-man-be-ing &amp; fe-male-hu-man-be-ing.
<br>
(RR) The only thing stopping you having tantric sex with a bunch of daisies
<br>
is your disbelief that you could have sex with a bunch of daisies!
<br>
Don't knock it until you try...
<br>
(SS) The highest tantra is dedicated to consciousness expansion &amp;
<br>
consciousness expansion is about maximising contradiction
<br>
harmoniously &amp; consciously.
<br>
(TT) There are many apt expressions or meme sequences that can be used to
<br>
extract your self from the dreaming, the 'orgy of self denial' is
<br>
pretty damn good. Take the expression 'everything is meaningless',
<br>
a fine mantra so long as you rigorously apply it. Negative nihilists
<br>
use it to justify acting out all sorts of negativity, the mantra is
<br>
best if universally applied &amp; self applied. 'Nothing matters' &amp; that
<br>
also includes the negative voices, thus you can not give life to them
<br>
with equal a plomb as you would not give life to the positive voices.
<br>
(UU) Dr Frankenstein &amp; his lab assistant Igor are also an example of
<br>
dependent arising. Consider a being that is straight &amp; true &amp;
<br>
beautiful then that will have a dependent arising that us twisted,
<br>
bent, false &amp; ugly, but is the positive being so honest as to own it's
<br>
own dependent arising?
<br>
(VV) The beginnings of Cosmic Love is when you start to own the dependent
<br>
arising of Love which is Hate. When you start to love your hate &amp;
<br>
acknowledge it's intimate connection with love then cosmic love
<br>
is born, by loving your hate you dont have to act it out or give it
<br>
life, just own, acknowledge &amp; embrace it.
<br>
(XX) The highest tantra is about Cosmic Intelligence Activation.
<br>
(YY) Dry tantra can be practiced anywhere &amp; is about 90% of the
<br>
effectiveness.
<br>
(ZZ) This is the last statement (for a while).
<br>
</pre>
<br>
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<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1995</td><td width="90">ExpID: 31064</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
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<tr><td colspan="2">DOB (19), LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Sex Discussion (14), General (1)</td></tr>
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<!-- Start Body -->
This took place at a small rave, later on at someone's apartment. The first 1/3 of the LSD was taken at the same time as MDMA, the rest probably about an hour later. I wouldn’t suggest that anyone do this on purpose, I think the profound psychological effects are dangerous. I just think this experience is way too odd not to tell people about.
<br>
<br>
When you read this, remember that I had to break these concepts from their original state in order to fit them into coherent thoughts expressible through language. To grasp a more accurate representation of them, remember that there is no flow of time here, these events, although I say “then…” for the most part didn’t happen in any order. I use the concept of linear time flow here just to correlate these mental constructs with cause-effect thought relationships that existed here somewhat outside of time.
<br>
<br>
It was supposed to be an interesting experience, but I never expected it to go so far. Perception, thought, and memories became indistinguishable. My mind became a house of mirrors, but these mirrors were multi-dimensional, irregular, and rotated on all axis. I don’t remember which was the first to go, but both time and space relative to my physical self were lost. Much of that evening I cannot remember, most of that which I can didn’t actually happen. I felt my concept of right and wrong, and my formed personality melt away in a pool of entropy and instinct. If my perceived reality had been more coherent, I may have been a danger to others.
<br>
<br>
I saw what I believed to be the true nature of time, formed only by endless loops of thought. I witnessed an imagined event where the fabric of reality itself began to fold, simplify, and cross-cancel. Somehow everyone knew what was happening, but could not stop it. Time slowed, individuals’ reality fragmented, minds fractured, malfunctioned, and there was chaos. Everything structured fell, society crumbled, and morality disappeared. Somehow we knew at the climactic cessation of this event that we would all cease to exist, so none of this mattered anyway. All things began to take on a fractal nature, distilling into their constituent parts, for me everything seemed very sexual in it’s true nature, as reality unzipped into halves, then halves of halves, etc... The incessant beating of linear thought (abstracted time) became more and more pronounced, those around me began to sing along with reality as it flowed around us, only because there was nothing else we could do, all that was to be hoped for was silence, rest.
<br>
<br>
This all started with me watching from my stable linear-minded point of view, so this all appeared to me as just bunch of craziness going on around me, truly chaotic and incomprehensible. The odd thing about this perspective was that it was as if my face were pressed up against a TV screen, watching some news channel cover these events. Then I found myself shifting perspective as if we were all characters in a play, trading places at random. Even the apparent flow of time didn’t go as it should. I found myself in the back seat of a car, during the day, only entering this perspective as I was pulling the trigger of a shotgun pointed at another person. The blast ripped up his torso exposing his ribs and internal organs, and taking off a large portion of his head. Then I looked around me, and all the people I saw were actors from TV or movies, and none of them seemed shocked, as if they knew what was happening. I wasn’t scared. Then, like they’d don’t it before, everyone began to examine their surrounding trying to figure out who they were supposed to be and what situation they had gotten into. Maybe these people were shifting just as I was, only for some reason they knew what they were doing; perhaps they’d been at it longer. They kept telling me something like “it doesn’t end, it just keeps going, and there is no after-party.” I had no idea what they were talking about.
<br>
<br>
Then I was back pressed against my TV screen, only this time what I was a mixture of the news coverage I’d mentioned before, plus my own imagined perception, with police, helicopters, and commentary on “yet another mind lost”…perhaps… What had I done? Was this real, had I killed someone? Holy crap, I couldn’t tell of these little bits of perception filtering in to me were real or imagined. Then I was back in a room, reality continued to condense, and everyone continued to wait for existence to end, perhaps a defense mechanism was for my mind to feel that way too. Then time slowed to a near stop, I was surrounded my time-space breaking in halves and crystallizing, and was relieved that silence, rest, was coming. Gradually things far away from me ceased to exist, reality had forked and these things broke away and got isolated on a different segment of the collapsing universe. But at this point morality was gone; I had been stripped to my pure instinctive drive, so these losses didn’t matter to me. Reality got very small, quiet, and thought took on a more rudimentary structure.
<br>
<br>
I had thought that at the convergence of everything, I would cease to exist, and would be at rest. However, this was not the case. As time came to a stop, and everything fell into a single point, it all exploded again and all temporal structures flowed backwards. Only this time they weren’t lines at all, reality appeared to be truly cyclic, and everything I had experienced in this state looped and continued to flow through infinite splitting and convergence in an endless tangle of thoughts and reality, but by this “point” there was no such thing as reality at all. My perspective began to change again, and the situations I was in before continued to develop, only this time there were no minds left to manage the flow of time. The mess left by the chaotic mega-event I spoke of earlier was incomprehensible. Not only were human moral constructs violated and things worldly destroyed, but also my mind (and my models of the minds I saw around me) was thrown into an inescapable loop of perception, repetition, and geometric patterns. Maybe this was what he meant by “it doesn’t end…keeps going…” At this point my mind was probably about as far away from reality as it has ever been.
<br>
<br>
I suppose I was in this state for quite some time, lying on the floor of the bathroom I’m told. More and more little pieces of coherent perception began seeping in. I had brief moments where I felt I was in a place with people, and parts of my constructed personality formed simple thoughts for brief moments. I felt self-conscious when I though I was naked, things like this. Eventually I found myself in a place (a room), at a time (some morning), somewhere that really existed and I could think in lines again. I was genuinely surprised to be back to reality, it seemed rather foreign to me.
<br>
<br>
I don’t know if I have any permanent damage from this experience. But I have noticed that I can now definitely feel my instinctive sub-personality more. And the thought of life ending with silence is much more appealing to me than some of the alternatives I now know about. I didn’t think so immediately afterward, but after some serious thought, this was probably one of the most disturbing and unusual experiences of my life.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 8082</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Feb 20, 2004</td><td>Views: 77,386</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=8082&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=8082&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">MDMA (3), LSD (2) : Rave / Dance Event (18), Post Trip Problems (8), Mystical Experiences (9), Difficult Experiences (5)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:45</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1.5 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">235 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I experimented with LSD once before... I only took one hit, was completely unprepared, and with someone I didn't completely trust. Since it was a low dosage (and I'm a pretty large guy), I didn't have a 'bad trip', but it definitely wasn't an experience I would've wanted to pay for, let alone do voluntarily. Needless to say this led me to have a strong desire to repeat the experience but take a higher dose, be with the right people, and plan for the experience as far in advance as possible.
<br>
<br>
My girlfriend and I decided to trip together this summer. I spent about 3 weeks online and talking to friends, getting suggestions and reading experience reports to try and make it as positive an experience as possible. We also decided to let a friend of hers trip with us, as she had a bit more experience and is a fairly level-headed person (I'd find out later how valuable an addition she really was).
<br>
<br>
We had a bit of trouble getting ahold of anything, but finally I got a call last Friday and picked up a 10-strip. The original plan was to eat about 6-8 hits between the 3 of us, and then sell the rest to my girlfriend's roommate. We had planned to trip the next day (Saturday evening). To make the beginning here a bit shorter, through a series of events my gf's friend came early, and we decided to trip Friday night (actually about 4am Saturday) suddenly. Since I'd already prepared quite a bit, I figured this would be OK.
<br>
<br>
When her friend (we'll call her 'M' and my gf 'E' from now on) arrived about 3:45am, we immediately broke off our initial doses. I had decided to take 3 hits (according to the guy I bought it from, this was very strong acid) about a week previous... my girlfriend took 1 hit, and her friend took 2. After about 30 minutes M and I started to get very 'clenchy' and nervous, as I'd expected from my readings... fortunately I'd bought a couple of pacifiers or I'd likely have gnawed through my lip at this point. E was feeling a bit anxious, but nothing pronounced. Just as I was starting to enter the psychedelic mindset (free flowing thoughts etc.), M starts bugging me to take more. Note that by this time I was already starting some mild OEV's (halos, pieces of lint bouncing on the carpet etc.) and was in no condition to be making rational decisions... I made one of the worst decisions of my life and decided to take not 1, but 1.5 more hits. M took 1.5 more and my girlfriend too 1.
<br>
<br>
My memory after this point is not only a bit fuzzy, but describing hallucinations has proven difficult, so I appologize for the spotted nature of the following:
<br>
<br>
We sat back down and started listening to good trip music (Hendrix, The Doors, the Dead, etc.). At this point everyone was seeing some really cool stuff and started peaking. E decided she needed to be alone for a few minutes, as her visions were slightly scary, so she went back to the bedroom. M and I went out to smoke a cigarette... at this my vision started getting really fish-eyed, and I started to lose touch with reality a bit (not focusing on conversation/sounds etc.). I actually began to achieve one of my goals for the trip (an out of body experience).
<br>
<br>
Just as I was right where I wanted to be (my mind was freely flowing, questioning the meaning of life etc. and I felt almost completely dissociated), I heard my girlfriend scream and puke... This had the mental effect of tying a leash around a space shuttle when it's going into orbit and telling it to stay put for a while. Suddenly all I could think about was her, and keeping her safe. I went to check on her and she was in bad shape... not only that but something about one of her (severe) OEV's made her scared of, and very angry with me. At this point I started to completely lose my mind... the other hit and a half hit me like a brick wall and sent me completely out of touch with reality and life.
<br>
<br>
My world became completely replaced with the world inside my head. I'm talking about honest-to-god hallucinations here... not just visuals. Instead of my apartment, I was inside of a Steven King-like haunted mansion with me on one and and my girlfriend screaming for my help on the other. In reality, she was just having a hard time dealing with the intensity of it all, and M was trying to calm her down and turn her trip around. I however, became obsessed with helping her. At one point I remember telling her not to close her eyes or she would die... This is of course, not good for someone having a bad trip. The state of mind I was in however, didn't allow me to see that... I was having a living dream that my girlfriend was in serious trouble and I was supposed to save her.
<br>
<br>
Eventually E calmed down (and came down a bit after puking), and got to a point where she could handle everything. I was a different story. At one point I didn't even think I existed anymore... I questioned spirituality, love, and everything else. Reality was completely replaced with this world inside my head (which turned from a haunted mansion into a lava lamp after I knew E was OK). During this whole experience I touched back to reality once or twice... but the whole time my thoughts were completely on her (for the most part).
<br>
<br>
When I finally returned to reality (after being gone to the point of actaully believing I was inside a lava lamp for about 4 hours) we decided to go to the gas station to get some munchies. E and M were both fairly close to baseline... I was still having severe visual distortions (and continued to for about 8 more hours), but my mental state was relatively normal and I felt like I controlled my brain again. On the way back someone mentioned me being out of my mind that night... I inquired more, and come to find out I was quite literally 'out of my mind' for a couple short periods of time. Meaning I had no concept of self, no awareness or interaction, no control over myself... I acted quite literally on pure instinct. Apparently in efforts to protect E from the harm that I made up in my head, I ended up really bugging her and actually scaring her when she asked me a question and I didn't respond (Turns out I didn't hear her at all... like I said I was 'out' of my mind for a time, kind of like temporarily checking out of a hotel).
<br>
<br>
At the realization that I had caused some of her emotional distress, and that it took _3_ people to get me away from her when she was freaking out (I was 'protecting' her in my world), I walked away and burst into tears. I suddenly realized that I had done something really stupid (taking more than my original dose) that caused her alot of mental trauma, and I was so messed up out of my mind that I couldn't even help her.
<br>
<br>
We spent the next few hours talking about what had happened. I can't really rate this as a 'negative' experience for one reason... My girlfriend and I realize now that we were truly meant for each other. Even when I was completely out of my mind, the only thing I could think about was protecting her... to the point that it took 3 people to get me out of the same room with her because I thought she was in trouble (she was... just not the kind of trouble I could do anything about, all mental/emotional). That is however, the only upside to this experience. The moral of the story is this... decide on a dose beforehand and stick to it, unless of course it's really just not getting you where you want to be, and even then be CAREFUL and up the dose ONE AT A TIME. The other thing I learned, is if you prepare for something like this... stick to your preparations, don't get impatient!
<br>
<br>
So that's my harrowing tale of a venture into the psychedelic, hope it helps someone avoid some similar troubles in the future. I think I'll probably stick to MDMA from now on. I've heard hardcore acid types say that MDMA is too 'easy', and you don't have to work for your good experience... and guess what... they're right, X is EASY. You pay a guy $20, swallow a pill, and have a great time almost garunteed. All that AND you feel fine the next day... if it's my money, X is the path to a great psychedelic experience of least possible resistance.
<br>
<br>
Happy mind expanding everyone!<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 8712</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: May 13, 2004</td><td>Views: 25,482</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=8712&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=8712&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Difficult Experiences (5), Relationships (44), Personal Preparation (45), Bad Trips (6), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">3 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 5:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">6 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 7:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> joints/cigs</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/tobacco/">Tobacco - Cigarettes</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 12:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> bowls</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">185 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
3:00 AM: 3 hits of liquid.
<br>
<br>
Visited a few parties with the normal tripping fun. Great music spun (progressive house at one place, drum and bass at another). Failed miserably at playing Magic -- the art on the cards was too enthralling to keep up with the rules.
<br>
<br>
Adventure and exploration around town -- my troop likes to get outside and go...just go -- and of course 6 more hits by 8:00 AM. Intense visuals. Trees are no longer trees, but immense fractals bending toward me as I walk. That wonderful epiphany that I've figured it all out (whatever it is). General euphoria.
<br>
<br>
10:00 AM: Personal adventures.
<br>
<br>
I like to get some time by myself when I'm tripping, so I walk home, rather enjoying a few menthol cigs. Spinning records, playing guitar, etc. I spend quite a bit of time messing with Rebirth-338, everyone's favorite 303/909 emulator. I definitely suggest my fellow trippers grab a copy and play with all the fun synthy squelchy sounds you can make. You might not stop until tomorrow.
<br>
<br>
Re-unite with my troop, who had fallen asleep but, of course, woke up tripping. Lotsa acid.
<br>
<br>
3:00 PM: Insanity!
<br>
<br>
Here's the good part. Some might call it a 'bad trip;' I consider it a 'character-building personal struggle.' Unless you end up in jail or dead -- that's a 'bad trip.' Oh, and hence the title: 'Weed is the Fuse.'
<br>
<br>
We smoke a few bowls of decent krypto at a friend's house. I have one of those 'did I say that or think that?' moments. The moment lasted for about 5 minutes. Yeah, I said that. Nothing bad, just association out loud instead of in my head. I think.
<br>
<br>
I fall into 'the zone.'
<br>
<br>
I start to get paranoid. Really paranoid. I need to leave. I want to go home. I've never felt this paranoid in my life. Something's wrong. I run out of my friend's house, troop behind me.
<br>
<br>
All of a sudden I realize that everything I think about the world, reality, and, well, everything, is a huge misconception. Everything is an illusion -- time, space, even the people I know. Everyone is me and I am everyone. I suppose those little bits of my brain were testing the mettle of my self-righteous existentialism -- that we all live as behavioral models for each other. You might call it the Golden Rule.
<br>
<br>
As for the huge misconception, I realized that everyone in the world is nothing but a competing aspect of my own personality. How I interact with these competing aspects determines my course in life, and determines what role I can have in making the world a better place for our descendants. But if everyone in the world is actually me, what's the fucking point?
<br>
<br>
Because Kirkegaard was right! While it's absurd to consider one's self an existentialist and to believe in some dark mysterious creator at the same time, it all hit me. There is a God, and he's testing me right now. My whole life. He's pummeling my brain with all these stimuli, that I call friends, music, sex, drugs, coffee tables. Holy shit! I start noticing Nissans everywhere as I walk through town (I drive a Nissan). I think about family members who have been addicted to drugs, and I am instantly overwhelmed with guilt regarding my use. Will my use, however moderate, inspire someone else's spiral into addiction and loss of self-control? It's too late to change what I've done in the past. I realize that I am living my punishment.
<br>
<br>
Why do we call it 'tripping?' What does that mean? Of course -- when I get home, I'm literally going to trip down my steps. That's become the ever-present word, 'trip.' I'm going to die. Time doesn't exist, run forwards, or backwards. I'm already dead. I close my eyes. I'm not dead. I'm on an operating table. My mom and little brother are looking down at me. I try to wake up, but I can't. I've tripped and died.
<br>
<br>
I open my eyes. I'm standing on a street corner, where I was before I closed my eyes. I'm still alive. Awesome. But I can't go home now. I will trip down the steps. It's beyond my control, it's in the stars. I want to go home, but I can't. Why?
<br>
<br>
Now I realize I'm in hell. I can't go home anymore. I begin to regard one of my troopers as the not-so-figurative devil-on-my-shoulder, the other as the angel. Follow the devil to more acid? Fuck no! That got me here in the first place. Just keep walking.
<br>
<br>
But I can walk anywhere I want. I'd imagine hell to be a place where I have no control over my next move. Wait, I'm not in hell. I'm on earth. But why do I still have these paranoid delusions? Why do I still believe that nothing is real? Wait! I'm not having paranoid delusions anymore!
<br>
<br>
I realize that I'm God. And that's why it was so easy to believe in the paranoia. I can do anyhing. I'm all-powerful. No more delusions.
<br>
<br>
Who is everyone else? They're Gods too.
<br>
<br>
The acid is wearing off. So's the collective consciousness. No longer am I everyone and vice-versa, no longer am I dead, and the clock makes sense again.
<br>
<br>
9:00 PM: No more insanity.
<br>
<br>
All that was rushing through my little brain for 4 or 5 hours. Don't think I'd ever been as thoroughly uncomfortable for such a long time. But it was fun as hell.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 9108</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: May 18, 2004</td><td>Views: 45,278</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=9108&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=9108&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">Cannabis (1), LSD (2) : Various (28), Mystical Experiences (9), Difficult Experiences (5), Combinations (3)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">4 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:15</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 tablet</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">190 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
When I was young, I was taught that drugs were bad and only used by the lowest of our society. When I got older and went to college I began to understand that what I was taught was different from reality, but still I refrained from exploring.
<br>
<br>
What I lacked was a guide.
<br>
<br>
A dear friend of mine, lets call her H, (someone I might very well have married if she hadn't had a boyfriend in college) had found a new partner - someone that was younger, energetic, and all together an excellent example of a human companion. This person, M, was into the rave scene and everything that implies - including responsible substance use.
<br>
<br>
Together they convinced me to experience my first session with LSD. I was interested, but nervous about it - H convinced me to read all I could (using Erowid as a reference) before I dosed, so I could understand what to expect.
<br>
<br>
What I believed I learned prior to my experience with LSD is that you should be comfortable with letting go. I think I also learned that your state of mind should be content (even happy), playful, receptive, prepared, and free of commitments during the experience.
<br>
<br>
This might sound odd, but I think my experience with long bike rides (sometimes extending 6+ hours and 100 miles), made it easier to for me prepare for my LSD experience. I think my determination and positive attitude during a long endurance sport was applicable, but not directly so. I knew I was capable of handling something intense, sometimes difficult, but overall rewarding. I knew that I could find a way to make almost any experience enjoyable; my friends who have accompanied me on these bike rides would likely nod their heads in agreement.
<br>
<br>
The day of the experience was a Friday - my friends were to arrive in the late afternoon. I spent all day concentrating on being in a 'happy place' if that makes any sense. It was important to me that the tiny annoyances of the day didn't extend themselves to my recreation of the evening, and oddly enough this worked!
<br>
<br>
(Note to self - this kind of mental excercize has nothing at all to do with preparing to take LSD. If you choose to ignore the small annoyances of your life - you will do so - and be happier for it)
<br>
<br>
My friends, H and M, and I met at my house where we were going be for most the eveneng and morning. F opened the small foil packet containing a white mint that had 4 hits of LSD in it. He first made sure that 'we didn't need to go anywhere...' for the rest of the evening, implying that once we dosed we were in my house for the duration! Fine with me - I was still a little nervous but I felt prepared. So I took one and put it in my mouth.
<br>
<br>
Hmm....tastes like a mint. Dissolves like a mint. T+0:00.
<br>
<br>
We went upstairs and surfed up to Erowid, where we re-read the effects of LSD and a few experience reports. I began to feel something after about 30-40 minutes - a slight tightness in the back of my neck. Perhaps it was just tension.
<br>
<br>
After reading Erowid for about an hour I noticed a significant imparment to my ability to read - it was like I couldn't quietly concentrate on the words. I thought this effect was mildy amusing at the time, and I decided that it would be a good idea to go prepare for some spinning. M selected some great music - DieselBoy, Prodigy, Run Lola Run, and more. We piped it in the house and in the backyard.
<br>
<br>
H, M, and I had been practicing poi spinning (with glowsticks). This is a neat skill and I highly reccommend it to anyone. It is even great completely sober. We assembled our glowsticks on strings and went out into the backyard. Spinning multicolored glowsticks while on LSD is simply awesome - it is a good way to distract you during the coming up phase. I remember the colors of the glowsticks tracing out long swirls of light that seemed to wrap me and my friends like huge hands with thin gentle fingers. We spun for what seemed like hours; sweating in the balmy warmth of the Texas summer night. I really enjoyed seeing my own glowsticks spinning almost by themselves around me and those of my friends in a concert of light.
<br>
<br>
I had a really nice visual at this time - one of my neighboors turned on his back porch light while he let his dog out to relieve himself. I happened to be looking down at the grass in my yard in the general direction of that porchlight the moment it came on. The light was filterered through my wood fence in thin beams. I saw these beams slowly progress from my fence across my yard as if the speed of light was about 5 feet per second! Amazing - I had to laugh a little.
<br>
<br>
H &amp; M knew I was seeing things and enjoying my trip, and they suggested that I walk through my house and go into my garage, which was a very dark place. I learned later that they were seeing aftereffects in the darkness and wanted me to see it too. I was thinking that they were trying to spook me in some way - and not wanting to be a pansy I went into the house and began making my way to the garage. As I walked by my bedroom door I noticed that there was a bright outline of light around the closet door. Somehow this light was not a friendly light. I felt my mind slipping down to a place that I feared.
<br>
<br>
I chose to gain control of that slide just as I would control a skid in my car. No panic. A little concentration, and the application of a bit of counter steer, (figuratively), and I was back to my happy place. It seemed that my preparation and mental well being served me well. That was the only remotely negative experience I had that night.
<br>
<br>
We went back into the house and I realised that I had tripping for about 2 hours. Good god I felt like it was more like 6. I thought to myself that the 8-10 hour trip would likely feel like a week! Fine with me, I thought. I was where I was and I was happy about it.
<br>
<br>
H &amp; M were at the kitchen table opening a little bottle that contained a few hits of MDMA. They suggested that the MDMA would be complimentary to the LSD and I agreed to take a pill myself. (Note to self: it is always a good idea to know the dosage - I wasn't in a smart enough mood to ask. My bad, but I was with good, experienced friends that I trust).
<br>
<br>
LSD T+2:45
<br>
MDMA T+0:30
<br>
<br>
The MDMA was really hitting hard - I was jittery and a little agitated, but in a good way. I know that sounds a little wrong, but I really was enjoying it. Just as I was peaking the phone rings.
<br>
<br>
A word of advice to the wise psychonaut - stay away from phones. They only bring trouble.
<br>
<br>
I answer the phone and it is my brother. He and I are very close; but he is completely unaware of my very recent experimentations with LSD and MDMA. He has just stared his own business and was seeking my help on some kind of computer problem. As I tried to listen to his dilemma all I wanted to do was stop him mid sentance and scream into the phone:
<br>
<br>
Dood! You shouldn't ask me anything right now because I'm tripping on ACID and peaking on E!
<br>
<br>
This I was going to scream to my brother who thought the strongest thing I ever took was Advil.
<br>
<br>
I recalled with some horror the next day that the advice I gave him was to reinstall Windows. Good god what have I done to that poor man. Oddly enough it all worked out - it actually solved the problem.
<br>
<br>
After that the three of us decided to take a walk. This seems to be a common thing to do when you trip - and it was a neat thing. We went over to this little playground where small children in the neighboorhood clamber on the oddly shaped playscape and the swings. The three of us noticed another group, much younger than we were, on the other side of the playground. I wondered to myself whether they were having as much fun as I was having. Maybe.
<br>
<br>
LSD T+4:15
<br>
MDMA T+2:00
<br>
<br>
I was in a real happy place now - I was lapping on some ice cream from the local 7-11, and we were walking back to the house. H said that she thought that ice cream was nasty when she was tripping - but I couldn't believe anything could make ice cream taste bad. It didn't - for me at least.
<br>
<br>
We got back to the house and continued to play music, spin glowsticks (I have a big living room), and talk. I confessed that while I was glad that H &amp; M had found each other, a few small events in my past might have found me and H bonded together for life. She had hers and I had mine (I've been married to my high school sweetheart for 13 years), but I realized how lucky I was to have known another human being that I could have spent my whole life with. Good for M - I'm happy for him. He's a lucky guy. She mentioned a particular secret that she told me in confidence way back in college that she made known to M; something very personal that was appropriate only for a few close friends. She was shocked when I told her that I had kept her secret all these years, telling no one. Funny how MDMA allows you to open up - I felt great telling her what I thought, what I felt, how much I loved her, and how happy I was that she and M were a couple - for life.
<br>
<br>
Peice of advice - if you need to open up, MDMA is a good vehicle. Make sure that the other person is receptive to it though, because too much truth can be a bad thing for some people.
<br>
<br>
Time began to run in fast forward now for me, because when I looked at the clock it was pretty late.
<br>
<br>
LSD T+7:15
<br>
MDMA T+5:00
<br>
<br>
I was tired now, laying on the living room floor. The MDMA was wearing off - I was feeling the desire to redose. I'm glad I didn't though, moderation is the key in all things. I believe human experience is an excercise in witnessing change; that is after all how our brains are wired. Seek out the new, especially when the new gets old.
<br>
<br>
The visuals from the LSD were coming back - my window panes were flowing back and forth a bit, breathing from time to time. And I distinctly recall my chandelier hanging from the ceiling at a strange, oblique angle. Wierd. Fun.
<br>
<br>
Yawn. Wow I was tired. We put Run Lola Run back into the CD player and set it on repeat. Damn that's a good soundtrack.
<br>
<br>
I fell asleep listening to the music and silently wondering if the moving fractals in my mind could possibly be the most beautiful and fantastic things that I'll never really see.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 9953</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Aug 20, 2004</td><td>Views: 50,004</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=9953&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=9953&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), MDMA (3) : First Times (2), Glowing Experiences (4), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">180 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
When me and my friend drove down to meet some friends at a local college, we were not expecting to do any tripping. We had done plenty of weed and X, but neither of us had ever had the connection or the interest to get acid. When we discovered our friends had some acid left over from the night before, (it was a pretty big priority for us to have the LSD tested by a reliable source) we pitched in some money and purchased 8 hits, which were dropped on gummi peaches. We weren't spending the night, and drove home to make the midnight curfew my mom had imposed on us.
<br>
<br>
When we were about 30 minutes from home, we decided to go ahead and each take 2 of our 4 hits, even though we knew we would have to be talking to my mom. Then we hit traffic on the interstate, even though it was 11:00 PM, and I started to get a little uneasy. About 10 minutes from home, and 40 minutes after we first dropped the hits, we both started to giggle. Driving became extremely fun for my friend, who informed me that he would not be able to stop laughing when my mom answered the door.
<br>
<br>
1 hour after dropping:
<br>
We stifled laughter as we pushed past my mom into the basement, where we would be spending the night. I quickly ran downstairs and turned on the TV, anxious for my mom to go to bed. I soon realized my friend wasn't behind me. Tracing my steps backwards, I found him sitting in the stairway staring at a mural of some birds.
<br>
'Are you seeing this?' he asked me.
<br>
Looking at the mural to see what he was talking about, I saw the trees begin to sway and the birds take flight. Knowing we were going to be in for a long night, I pulled him down to the couch where we waited for my mom to go to bed.
<br>
<br>
2 hours after dropping:
<br>
The state of mind I found myself in was extremely interesting. My friend was repeatedly trying to get me to call another friend to act as 'ground control,' for he explained to me that he would periodically lose all concept of who he was or the situation he was in. I was comfortable with my surroundings, and as I described it to him 'in my element.' I found myself in the bathroom staring in the mirror, my friend was standing beside me but had changed into a completely different person. Staring at his face for a period of about a minute would find him changing into 4 different people, an elf, and a dog. (I find myself still, several months later, able to change his face with some concentration when I am really high)
<br>
<br>
The one thing that I cannot stress enough about LSD induced hallucinations is how real they seem. I have seen things with weed before, but never with the detail and clarity which I experienced on acid. The people I saw my friend change into I had never seen before, but each one of them held very distinct features and detail in the face, and when he spoke the words would be spoken by whatever person I was currently seeing. It was truly amazing to me. I then turned to the mirror, and immediately saw my face melt and distort itself into hideous images. Reading through several trip accounts before attempting LSD, I found it fascinating the relative ease and comfort which people viewed these terrifying images they described. Experiencing this first hand, I felt a strange sense of safety while seeing this, knowing that I was on acid and this was all part of the experience. Having said this, I can easily see how bad trips develop and cannot stress the importance of knowing what you are getting into and being in a comfortable environment. (ie. your basement)
<br>
<br>
As I continued to look into the mirror I became unable to distinguish which side of the mirror I was on, and felt as though I was inside looking out. As I placed my head against the mirror and stared into my own eyes, I would shift in and out of the correct side of the mirror, momentarily losing grip on reality.
<br>
<br>
3.5 hours after dropping:
<br>
The decision to go outside was made out of sheer wonder and curiosity. Seeming to have the opposite effect of weed, the acid seemed to OVER calm our fears so that we were not neccesarily as careful as we probably should have been. Nevertheless, after a very interesting walk we ended up in the middle of my cul-de-sac. Light was everywhere. The whole cul-de-sac was illuminated in red, blue, and white light. We continually thought we saw headlights, but instead of running or hiding we stared awestruck. As my friend described how the cement had transformed itself into a Roman tiling, I witnessed a very different scene. The cul-de-sac had appeared to be the scene of an earthquake, the ground had wide cracks and the car parked in front of my house seemed to be sinking into the ground. Reality was not a concern of mine, and we did not contemplate at the time how strange we must of looked standing in the middle of the cul-de-sac staring at things. We remained outside for a couple of hours, as thoughts and emotions raced through our head only to be gone and forgotten a couple of seconds later.
<br>
<br>
After we had our fill, we began to walk back to the basement. The walk back was probably the only part of the trip that bordered on frightening, because with each step the door seemed to get farther away and once we arrived the entrance to the basement seemed very ominous.
<br>
<br>
6.5 hours after dropping:
<br>
We sat down and watched a little TV, and had a great time laughing at the visions we shared of people protruding from the television set. About 7.5 or 8 hours since we began, we could feel reality coming back to us. I first began to sense it in that I began to smell and taste the real world. It is difficult to describe, but just the taste of my mouth and the normal smells of my house were things that had become lost during the trip, and were now beginning to ground me. I went upstairs fearing the sleeplessness (I had to work the next morning), but found myself able to sleep within 30 minutes) The next day at work found me 'not quite there,' but everything did seem a little brighter.
<br>
<br>
LSD did not provide the euphoria that MDMA does, so if you are looking to FEEL amazing it may not be for you. However, it does make for a great 8 hour adventure.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 9269</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Sep 23, 2004</td><td>Views: 53,391</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=9269&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=9269&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Glowing Experiences (4), First Times (2), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I am 16 and for a while now I have been terribly interested in psychodelic drugs. My first trip was nothing like I had expected. I can still remember looking across the dead parking lot on that cold Febuary nite, to see four trees bent in half at the trunk and expelling shadows that flashed beautiful psychddelic colours and spun around on an invisable axis. Ever since I witnessed the impossible, I have became aware of something intruiging: when I look in front of me, I once saw the empty space as nothing. Now I see something. Or at least I can feel it on some level. There is an energy flow that binds everything and makes everything function in the most ancient and perfect way.
<br>
<br>
I have had many trips since that night, including one recent trip during the day. I had been frustrated with myself before we dosed that day. For awhile I had been thinking beautiful thoughts without the mind-enhancing substances. But I felt that I was on the verge of something extraordinary. Something that will come into play in the near future. It turned out to be how to save the world. But I hadn't encountered that just yet.
<br>
<br>
Anyway, we dosed at my friend's house and went to a local park. It was outside of town and extremely beautiful; the perfect place to exclude yourself from the awful townspeople. The acid was from a Rusted Root concert; my friend had brought it back. Pyramid blodder with the most intricate detailing I had ever seen on an LSD inpregnated piece of paper. It took about 30 minutes to take over my mind. I was soon seeing all kinds of imaginary vines coming out of the swirling patterns on the floor of the picnic shelter where we were sitting. Soon we were all tripping our balls off and decided to go to the 'trippin' tree'. The trippin' tree is a tree that I smoked weed at on 4/20 the previous year. I was tripping on liquid that day. Just by chance.
<br>
<br>
It took us a long time to reach the tree that was relatively close. The forest was just too alive to ignore. Plants were living right in front of me, and it was the most amazing thing. Green forest dwelling plants were sprouting and growing all around me as the trees swayed in the humid mid-day air. When we got to the tree, I noticed right-away that it was crawling with all kinds of strange creatures (indescribable beyond their roach sized, black bodies). We were wandering under the canopy for awhile, lost in the great nothing, never wanting to return to what I knew before. This feeling was common between the three of us and then my friend muttered,'we aren't lost, man...we have just been found...'
<br>
<br>
We then decided that we were all going to peak soon so we decided to find the sky. And it was so. Our war-cry bacame incoherent as we swiftly moved about the trees with a primal passion to witness things we always look at but never see. Suddenly we came to an old wooden dock that led to a small sandy beach next to a large river. The sun filled everything with a reassuring sense that things were coming together. The forest took a breath in with a huge wind and turned brilliant white, as I shouted, 'We found the sky! Look! We found it!'
<br>
<br>
I was feeling great at my accomplishment until I looked to my right and noticed a fisherman sitting on the bank of the river. Fear came quickly and left even faster as I realized that he couldn't ever harm me in any way even if he tried. I was untouchable. I didn't even think he could see me.
<br>
<br>
I soon remembered my friends and ran a feet feet back to warn them in case they needed to yell something about acid. Then we all walked across to the other side of the beach and layed on the bank of the river; more than safe from the view of the fisherman. I'm not really sure if he could hear us or not though. If he could, I'm sure he could probably tell that we were on drugs or something to that nature. Awful townspeople...
<br>
<br>
As we were staring at the sky, the nothing morphed into a huge beautiful cathedral. Pink walls and purple columns. It was mesmerizing to say the least. The peak was begining to go away so we looped around to the shelter where we had begun our adventure. Taking the back way of course. When we got back to our suprise, it was later in the day and people had showed up to enjoy themselves at the pretty park. They wern't enjoying it on the level that I was. They were there to abuse and I could smell it on them.
<br>
<br>
I first saw a fat woman whose car had aparently broken down. I laughed at her from a distance. She saw me an I didn't stop or even care. It was beautiful. 'That's what she gets for bringing that huge hunk of metal out here. This is no place for an automobile.', is what I was thinking. We got back to the shelter and there were people with their arms around each other's shoulders sitting on the swing near the overlook of the river. This was funny, so I laughed as hard as I have ever laughed and stumbled around in extreme amusement. I then proceded to annoy them with music. It wasn't my intention, it just played out like it was. Techno was on the menu and I was definitely craving something phat. Hard trance at first. The people soon walked to their car and drove away. And with the fat woman long gone, we noticed we were alone again. No more worry about being freaks to these people. But of course they were a lot freakier to us.
<br>
<br>
Without saying anything beforehand, we giggled, all stood up and began stacking picnic tables to get onto the roof of the shelter. The shelter roof was steep and hard to crawl up. We managed somehow and layed on our backs and looked at the sky again. This time it was dominated by a massive pattern-covered dragon. It wasn't moving much, just sort of wiggling its legs and body a lot. The only words said in the next half-hour were mostly 'Wow' and 'Oh my God' etc. And that was enough, for we had Jimi to fill the gap of silence.
<br>
<br>
After this we said goodbye to the forest and went back to Squaresville. It was more awful than before in strange ways. I was laughing hysterically as we pulled up to the convience store near my house. We went inside and I just sort of stared at the different things happening. The expression read I was not Impressed by the glossy lies of the Squaresville.
<br>
<br>
We did eventually go back out the the woods when nite fell. It was nice. We lit off fire works to celebrate our wonderful day. The drugs had worn-off but the meaning was there all the same.
<br>
<br>
We then began weaving ourselves back into the anti-flow very slowly. My first friend did it with his love of fire. Easy destruction. My second friend did it with playing mind games on himself and everyone else. And finally me. I went back because of my addiction to different drugs that the anti-flow has to offer. And most immediately that day it was the simple cigarette. When I took my first drag since I had separated myself from Squaresville, I was embraced once again with the empty promises and lies. But it was a good cigarette let me say that much.
<br>
<br>
Since that experience, I have yet to trip and wonder again. But I will sometime. And I will walk over to the other side and remain over there with the beauty and the peace and the love. It is sunnier on the other side. I just wish I would have opened up a long time ago.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 11370</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Nov 17, 2004</td><td>Views: 22,237</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=11370&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=11370&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : General (1), Nature / Outdoors (23), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:40</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1.0 g</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/ghb/">GHB</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">170 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
The Bright White Mist -- When your mind finally reconnects all iterations of the universal fractal within a single moment.
<br>
<br>
Hey, so it had been approximately 4-5 months since my last LSD trip. I have approximately 15-20 of them under my belt, with most being in the 100-250 microgram range (estimate, of course). I typically acquire liquid lsd, and have been told that it is approximately 100 ug per drop.
<br>
<br>
The vial I had ran out, but I kept it in my drawer in hopes that I could rinse it and trip one more time. Well, this past weekend, I remembered that it was in there, and realized that I really wanted to trip again. It is the beginning of the school year, I haven't tripped in a few months, and I wanted to deal with some mental/emotional baggage that I had picked up recently.
<br>
<br>
I had no idea how much was in there, so I tried to have a light trip, but prepared myself for the possibility that I might not trip at all, and also that I might trip harder than I planned. The uncertainty of it was definitely a bit exciting, and in a way, really helped me to be more sure of my resolve.
<br>
<br>
I licked the inside of the top, the dripper insert thing, and added 15 drops of liquid to the vial in order to absorb anything coating the inner surface. I tried to drip 2 on the back of my hand, but it came out quick, and 4 hit my skin. There was a brief tinge of anxiety, but I quickly let that go and resolved myself to ride things out.
<br>
<br>
For me, I can almost instantly tell if I have any lsd in my system. There is an almost abstract feeling of muscle tension that is present for a few minutes, that fades away only to return as the initial signs of the 'coming up'. This first sign was a little stronger than I remembered, but I simply figured that I forgot the sensations of the chemical.
<br>
<br>
About 30-40 minutes later, I felt that buzzing return, but this time with much more intensity. I had a large amount of muscle tension and clenching. My jaw was clamping shut, and my hands were trembling. I quickly felt very dissociated, and I still wasnt really having any visuals. Never before had I felt this, and I realized that I was in for a pretty intense ride.
<br>
<br>
I was quite uncomfortable at this point, actually. I could not keep my hands from shaking, and everything in my body was tensing up. Some fear had developed at this point, since I was alone, and had not experienced this before...at least not to that degree.
<br>
<br>
I have a new (3-4 weeks) pet bearded dragon that is about 5-6 months old, and I decided to pick her up in hopes that being in contact with another living being would help relax me. Unfortunately, due to my obvious nervousness, she was very tense and would not allow me to hold her. I put her back in the terrarium, and layed down on my bed, which is right next to her.
<br>
<br>
The visuals began to become more and more apparent at this point. Strangely, instead of producing the standard trails and 'crawling' type visuals, it started creating strong fractal patterns. I can look out a very large window while laying down and see three very large and magnificent eucalypus trees. It was foggy and quite surreal.
<br>
<br>
At first, the fractals were integrated with the 3 dimensional space. As with most of my trips, if I 'let go', the 3rd dimension would disappear and the world became a flowing 2 dimensional plane of colorful fractals. That in and of itself was not particularly surprising. However, I noticed that unlike anything else I had ever experienced, the trees were all flowing into each other. It was as though I was looking through a kaleidoscope, to illustrate the type of movement that I mean. THAT was very impressive.
<br>
<br>
Beyond just that, though, I found that they would meld more and more, eventually flowing back out in the color white. I lost myself for X amount of time, and came back out. I remember the thought, 'wow, that has never happened before. VERY interesting.'
<br>
<br>
I tried to look back at my computer and read some email when I found that I simply couldnt view the screen as anything other than a lighted fractalized plane. I gave up and decided to watch the trees again. Additionally, due to the extreme body load, I decided to take a relatively small dose of ghb, approximately 1 gram. A few minutes later, my body began to relax, and I felt that I could finally let my mind flow.
<br>
<br>
I remember, next, that the whiteness was becoming more and more powerful. I could not resist it, and at this point, I actually did not want to resist it. I let go, and it overtook me.
<br>
<br>
After this point, there is no time; there is no me; there is no body; there is no universe; there is no pain; there is no anxiety; there is simply that moment, followed by that moment, and that moment again. I was nothing but a flow of thought. It was a strange mode of consciousness unfamiliar to me. My mind made logical connections with fluid grace, and I found myself remembering things that I had not thought of for years.
<br>
<br>
I entered a state of deep introspection. There was some elation, and some sadness, depending on what was being analyzed, but the actual subject was beyond my control.
<br>
<br>
Depending on the initial thought-stimulus, I found myself becoming either the center of reality, or the personification of scum. I could talk myself up or down within seconds. One second I was going to contribute a vital piece of information to humanity, and the next I felt as though I was the most self-centered human to ever live. I knew fundamentally though, that either extreme was just that, an extreme. The extreme low was too familiar as sober I am almost psychotically self-critical. The extreme high was terrifying because I am so afraid of developing a huge ego or a narcissistic personality. So, because I knew that neither was real, I had an important insight into my mind: I learned how to not take either seriously.
<br>
<br>
I also thought about the state of my room compared to the rest of the house. I realized that it is impossible for me to keep my room clean because of the fact that its state will come to a balance with the rest of the environment, which is extremely chaotic. I realized that it is opressive, depressing, and is keeping me from reaching my full potential. I am not comfortable enough to go into more detail, but never before had I ever seen those qualities before.
<br>
<br>
I realized just how important my friends are to me. I realized that I had been neglecting friendships out of anxiety, out of laziness, out of the subconscious desire to have SOMETHING that I can beat myself up about. I realized that the simple thing which seemed to me to be massively impossible was simply taking action.
<br>
<br>
After several more, very personal insights, I slowly slipped back into this reality. I even remember the process of my ego re-integrating with itself. The white mist/light regressed, and I could see trees again.
<br>
<br>
I slipped in and out of this state for 4-5 hours, and was in love with every moment of it. I never understood what true, egoless bliss was, until this. My powerful mushroom trip (<a href>hangin with dad in heaven</a>) had a small amount that resembled this, but that was more ecstatic wheras this was more profoundly blissful. Where that was a white light of knowledge, this was a white light of merging with everything.
<br>
<br>
I 'dropped' at approximately 3:45pm, and started to come out of the peak around 8. I drifted in and out of the white mist for a couple hours, but never reached the totality of the initial few visits. Around 12:00 am, I finally felt like the peak was starting to drift away. I figure, by this amazing duration, that I took close to 700 micrograms, possibly more. In fact, even at 6:00 am the next day, the walls were still crawling slightly, and I felt as though I had taken a single average hit of lsd.
<br>
<br>
At approximately 11 pm, I called a friend and decided to go over to his house. I was well aware of the fact that driving a car would be suicide, and the only other mode of transportation was bicycle. I decided to go for it, and took my time getting ready. I took a shower (phenominal, of course), fed my bearded dragon (who had stopped looking at me as though I had gone insane), and hopped on the bike.
<br>
<br>
The ride was all downhill, and was really nice. The brakes werent that great, so I couldnt just let myself fly down the hill, but just keeping a nice, relaxed pace was thoroughly relaxing. I got to my friend's place, and we spent the rest of the night watching cartoons and talking about life. I shared with him many of the insights that I had, and asked for advice about alot of things that I became concerned about.
<br>
<br>
After finally feeling sober enough to go home, we took the bus (I asked him to ride with me, as I was still feeling kind of paranoid around strangers, and really wanted some company), and I was finally able to lay in bed.
<br>
<br>
I had a great sleep, with some very intense and vivid dreams. Today, I woke up feeling great. I felt energized, happy, lucid, and ready to go. It was the first day of school, and I felt as though this trip was exactly what I needed to gain some real perspective on myself. I can't say for sure if the changes that I want to retain actually are still there, but I do feel a bit different. Maybe a little more confidant, a bit more relaxed, more honest with myself regarding strengths and weaknesses, and with alot more motivation to succeed, in order to fulfill my real potential as a person.
<br>
<br>
So, as far as I can tell, this was an ego-loss (possibly death?) experience. It was profound, mindblowing, enlightening, wonderful, scary, easy, difficult, intense, and amazingly...completely natural... I hope to be able to return to the white mist in the future, but I do not believe that I can go back soon without lying to myself.
<br>
<br>
I have felt for a while that I understood what lsd did, and what its particular character is. Though I had alot of insight and even some intuition about what was to come, the reality of it was nothing that I could have prepared myself for. I recognized it for what it was, but it was beyond my ability to anticipate.
<br>
<br>
Amazing. Truly amazing.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2002</td><td width="90">ExpID: 17069</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Nov 19, 2004</td><td>Views: 24,647</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=17069&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=17069&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Mystical Experiences (9), Alone (16)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">120 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I don't want to sound like some kind of elitist or anything, but I think people like myself are a dying breed, at least among 16- to 18-year olds in this town. What I mean is that, most kids see drugs simply as a way to get fucked up. 'There's nothing to do in this town, so get fucked up!' This is the mindset of nearly every high schooler here. I, however, thanks to sites like Erowid and a very influencial brother, feel that drugs, especially psychedelics like acid, are for something that is exactly the opposite of getting shitfaced. Most kids here are just potheads and alcoholics anyway. Once recently, a core group whom I used to call my friends decided to take some acid, with the mentality that it was just a new way to get trashed. Consequently, one ended up in the hospital, many were caught, most freaked out or otherwise hated the experience. I, however, had been doing research on LSD for well over a year, reading and reading, much off of this site. I also took acid that night, for the first time, and stayed in one place. I had to deal with people being caught and talking to my parents right as it was kicking in, but thanks to simply knowing what I was getting into, I worked through it. The trip was beautiful, even after such awful happenings. Fast forward three months, to my second trip.
<br>
<br>
I dropped the two hits at about 12:05 AM, with everything around me set for a night alone with LSD. I had music picked out (to be listened to with headphones), soft lighting on, made sure I was on good terms with friends and family, especially my girlfriend. I wanted this to be a smooth trip, one that I would remember, one that would leave me satisfied. I am a strong believer that acid should not be taken often. I believe in the incredible positive potential of LSD, but I don't go off on Leary-esque rants about how it is the end-all be-all of knowledge. Anyways, the trip.
<br>
<br>
I felt the first effects about 20 minutes after dropping the hits. A feeling of anticipation, an uneasiness and excitement. Like going up the first hill of a roller coaster, all in my head. I thought it was time for a little music. So, I put on 'Sister Ray' by the Velvet Underground, but about two minutes into it, I had to turn it off. It was too abrasive, too wild, too much. The acid was kicking in hard. So, I tried putting on The Soft Bulletin by The Flaming Lips, but again, halfway through the second track I had to turn it off. I had forgotten from the first trip how much acid actually takes you over, how it actually changes the way you think. By this point, the world was beginning to blur. I was giddy, and I couldn't stop myself from moving. I looked up at the ceiling, where the shadows of the light I had on (one of those lightbulbs shaped like a flame), were suddenly in complete 3D, moving and completely blurred, but a sharp sort of blur. Intense rushes went through my head. A sort of intense buzzing, that I could feel bouncing around in me. I guessed this could have been due to the acid on the hits reacting with the aluminum foil it was wrapped in. Who knows if that was the actual cause, I know I don't.
<br>
<br>
I had to have some sort of stimulus to avoid the buzzing. Either television or music. I tried to listen to something more soothing, but it just seemed fake and almost annoying. I could only watch TV for a few minutes before I simply had to turn it off. It was too bright, too bizarre. At about 1:30, the acid had taken my head completely over. I suddenly thought of my first trip, of having to talk to my parents. All I could think was, the acid has completely backfired on me. I want reality again. I want to be able to control this. But alas, acid is not pot, and as hard as I tried to simply ignore it, the more it would kick in. I began to forget where i was two hours before, the way I thought two hours before. I was now in a state of panic, all alone. And it had only just started. I knew I was in for it.
<br>
<br>
I made the decision soon after that if my parents were to wake up, I would simply admit to them that I was on acid and that I just needed to be alone. I knew there was no way I could fight it. I felt ashamed of myself, for being just another teenage junkie bent on getting mindfucked while his parents slept. I began to think, what would happen once they find out? What would they do if they saw me freaking out like this? Why would the doctors do that to me in the hospital? What would they put on my record? Would I be held back in school for this? Would I make it into college? Was my entire life completely fucked forever because of two little squares of paper I ate? No, that's crazy. That's stupid. That's impossible. They are asleep, man. Get a grip.
<br>
<br>
Somehow making my way back to sanity, I found myself hanging off my couch, eyes wide open, staring at the ground, breathing heavily. I suddenly noticed the beautiful sensory symphony. The light on the ceiling was soothing, the carpet swayed as if underwater. Forms simply morphed and distorted, all with an incredibly peaceful rhythm. The world around me became alive. I could feel my skin in a new way. Dry but also oily, smooth but rough at the same time. I looked in the mirror. My eyes were big and dark, and just glistening. It was definitely not just my pupils that were dilated. It was my entire brain. The world around me swayed and bubbled. Surfaces were no longer solid, and in my mind i could feel them fizzing and popping, like the fizz on a carbonated drink. I almost felt as if I were in a Chuck Close painting. One of those incredible portraits he did where the people's faces did not simply end at a line and the overall picture was perfectly realistic but at closer examination brilliant color and pattern became apparent. I felt as though I were breathing liquid. Breathing alone became an incredible experience. The world around me truly was alive, like I had thought before. I was in some kind of psychedelic wonderland. I almost imagined like I was in some futuristic city, with flying cars buzzing by me, like the Jetsons, all under that brilliant orange light. I had to have the music to match. So, I put on Air's Premiers Symptoms, and let myself go. During this, and most of the peak experience, words are simply inadequate. So many things happen in an experience like this that trying to explain it in any way just doesn't do it justice. I remember thinking to myself, there is NO way I could ever describe what this whole experience is like. There is just no way.
<br>
<br>
Some 30 or 40 minutes later I came to, now in silence, except for a tapping at my door. Suddenly the incredible feelings of peace and happiness were shattered. The light was still on but I desperately wanted it off. Suddenly the old thought loops came back. What was the tapping at my door, why wouldn't it go away? I want my future! I'm not a bad kid, honest! The sense of terror was very real. So real, in fact, that the only reason I am even now choosing to hold off for a long time before I take acid again, is because of those moments.
<br>
<br>
But it was just my cat, and for the time he was in my room he was the perfect companion. He moved silently and gracefully. I almost had the sense that I was finally seeing the world the way he had his whole life. But still, this was not enough to cool down my head. I was still going crazy in the back of my head. Suddenly, the light became too bright, so I turned it off, and slipped away into blackness.
<br>
<br>
The awful buzzing quickly came back, now louder and more painful than ever. As if the awful thought loops weren't bad enough, I had to deal with that. So I spent the next hour or so frantically turning the TV on and off, trying to listen to music. Anything to stop the madness. I even got a snack, which was terrifying, considering I had to walk past my parents' bedroom in a house as creaky as ours. However, the reward was well worth it. I smoked plenty of pot before this trip, and never had eating or drinking been so glorious. Simply incredible, undescribable.
<br>
<br>
Eventually the buzzing stopped, leaving only the intense, intense peak. I was experiencing full-blown pyschosis at this point. Thought loop after thought loop, over and over, uncontrollable. I could have bitten through nails I was clenching my jaw so hard. Any life or any thoughts I had before the last 3 hours had been completely forgotten. I was building a very scary void in my head, and it was expanding at a huge rate.
<br>
<br>
If I opened my eyes and looked down at the rest of my body, the blankets covering it would simply shrivel up. I watched myself disintegrate into madness. I pried myself up and looked out the window. The outside world was going batshit. Nothing stayed still, buildings oozed, the street and cars breathed and waved as if they were on rough seas. The branches of the trees grew, in any direction, I couldn't tell. A few seconds of that was all I could handle.
<br>
<br>
The thought loops kept going. I looked at some photographs I had taken (I am very much into photography) out of my window one night. They moved as if they were real. the branches swayed, the street lights were bright. I had to put it down.
<br>
<br>
Eventually the awful thoughts became unstable. They were growing and spiraling at rates I couldn't handle. This universe was getting too big for it all. In a matter of seconds, it collapsed. Every thought, every question I had been frantically asking for what seemed like forever suddenly broke down, until finally I had only one question to ask. I didn't know who I was asking, but I got my answer. I felt the universe collapse and incredible speed. I saw every particle come together in a fantastic implosion of everything I knew and didnt know or ever knew or ever will know. Finally, everything this trip had been riding on and every thought and visual and everything that had ever happened in the universe came down to a single answer. Everything came down to this one single moment. I was sure, that this is where I would meet God. Leary was right after all. But, oh no. That was not to happen. I got my answer, alright. A single, fleeting vision, that explained why all of this was happening.
<br>
<br>
It was just the acid.
<br>
<br>
I stopped. The collapse was complete, and the very first reaction I had, in the split second after I got my answer, determined everything thereafter. I died.
<br>
<br>
When I woke up, I was still in darkness. The awful thoughts were gone, replaced instead by pure psychedelic noise. Like TV static in my brain. Only a few minutes had passed, but the peak was definitely over. Somewhere in my head, I had a firm grasp on reality. Something was telling me to get up, go to the bathroom. So I went.
<br>
<br>
The brightness in the room was incredible. Everything was sharp, but also very much alive. The countertop was 3D, and the fake granite pattern moved much like the carpet of the lobby of the Mint Hotel in the acid scene of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Beautiful trails followed my hands. The fibers of the small bath rugs grew, like ivy. Everything was still a blur but at the same time perfectly clear. Who knows how long I was peeing. I figured I should leave before it gets suspicious.
<br>
<br>
Returning to my room, once again I listened to Premiers Symptoms. This time, I only listened to 'Casanova 70', which was incredible. The visuals both and and out of my head were beautiful. Soon after finishing that, I worked up the courage to listen to Siter Ray again. Already, I was beginning to piece together what had happened before, and make some sense out of the trip. I had originally planned on making this trip more for visuals and the sensory high, instead of the intense mind trip I had taken nearly four months earlier. But, once again, the peak was over, and the visuals were beginning to fade and my sense of reality and my memories of everything before the trip were returning. Slowly, but surely. So, I put on Sister Ray, and smoked an imaginary cigarette, and congradulated myself over and over for making it through the night in once piece, and jammed for 17 minutes straight, laying on my couch, under a single blanket.
<br>
<br>
Listening to Sister Ray was so good, that I immediately listened to it again. I noticed every note, every incredible sound. I was just blown away. Once again, I seemed to just understand the whole psychedelic scene in the 60's. That's not to say I was there, or that I actually do know all about it or why happened, but I just got a small, beautiful sense of the time, of how the world was flipped upside-down. San Fransisco and LSD. New York, Greenwich Village, Heroin, Vietnam, Hippies and Beats, Civil Rights, complete social, political, cultural madness. Incredible. And here I was.
<br>
<br>
Dawn broke as Sister Ray ended. Spring was finally starting to show. The morning sky was beautiful. I got out my camera and took a whole roll of pictures. As the last of the tracers faded away, I was left with pure exhaustion. A euphoric exhaustion. I was happy as hell. The real reward of the trip came after it was gone, some seven and a half hours after I dropped the hits. I ran over the trip over and over in my head, and each time getting happier and happier. I got through it. I got away with it. All by myself. I was THE MAN. And, just as suddenly as it had taken my head over almost 8 hours before, I passed out.
<br>
<br>
I woke up around 1 in the afternoon. The trip was officially over.
<br>
<br>
There is something incredibly powerful in LSD. I do believe that if everyone in the world had an experience like the one I had, the world would be a better place. But, I know that that's never going to happen.
<br>
<br>
I can't stress it enough. LSD IS NOT A PARTY DRUG. It is not for the faint of heart or mind. The most important part of an acid trip is the tripper. If you are just looking for another way to get trashed, or you just want to see some cool shit or something, stay very far away from acid. The rewards of acid are not immediate. It's not like smoking pot, where you get fucked up and then pass out and return to your normal self without getting anything real or lasting from the experience (in most cases).
<br>
<br>
But at the same time, LSD is not some fountain of all knowledge. I learned a lot from this trip. But the happiness I got out of it did not, and still does not, extend to anything else. The experience was completely self-contained. Why did all that happen? It wasn't God. It was acid.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2003</td><td width="90">ExpID: 23181</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Nov 20, 2004</td><td>Views: 26,780</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=23181&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=23181&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : First Times (2), Glowing Experiences (4), Alone (16)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">100 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
This report is easily the most intense experience of my life. I respected LSD before for its ability to change one’s perception but I am now totally humbled by what it has the power to do in very high doses. I have taken LSD before about 20-30 times and considered myself experienced, having tripped on doses of 5-7 hits quite often but this experience totally changed my opinion of the drug. On a higher dose it may as well be a completely different experience. I have emitted a lot of the less important details for the sake of brevity.
<br>
<br>
There were 5 of us and we got out 5 sugar cubes and dropped 5 drops onto each. However when we got to the 5th cube we only got 2 drops out and the bottle was empty. The “empty” (yeah right!) bottle still had residue on the inside that you couldn’t squeeze out. It was a tiny plastic bottle used for mint breath drops so I was offered to “eat the bottle.” J had previously “eaten” another bottle and said there was a lot in there still so I cut the tiny bottle in half with a knife and chewed on it for about 10 minutes. Everyone else had there cube of 5 drops and I ate the bottle which I now guess to have easily 10 or more drops.
<br>
<br>
I soon realised that there was an insane amount still in the bottle when heavy visuals started happening in as little as 15 minutes. It felt like I was “peaking” after 30-40 minutes. Besides the usual “melting walls” and “sliding floors” I was getting quite intense colour shifts that were unlike anything I had seen before. Soon the ground was swirling with the most intense fractal geometrical patterns I had ever seen. The world was exploding in life. I was tripping harder than everyone else (who were off the planet regardless) and I suggested we go outside as the cramped inside of the house was getting too much for me. I walked outside and the frost covered ground was like silver. I remember looking at two friends and they looked like some kind of mole creatures, which was the first disturbing part of the trip. The others soon joined me outside and we decided we should climb a mountain that is just near our house.
<br>
<br>
At this point (approx. T=2 hours) reality started to slip away totally. Normally on acid (highest doses prior to this was 5-7 drops) I have got amazingly changed “perspective” on the world but at the end of the day everything was still “real” and tangible. From this point on I was honestly not sure what part of my experience was real and tangible and which was just a construct of my mind.
<br>
<br>
I remember climbing up an alleyway before the mountain which had stairs and rails and covered in trees and plants… it seemed to go on forever and it seemed like I was climbing through it for hours (its probably only 15 metres) I cannot stress how much it actually felt like “forever” in its most pure definition. It was like I was stuck in a 2 second loop of time that kept repeating itself without stop. Eventually a friend came and got me and snapped me out of my infinite stairway dream and raced me to the top. We were at the base of the mountain and getting up was really a bit of a blur. I remember climbing again for what seemed like forever. The long grass underfoot was entangling me. The grass no longer looked anything like “grass” or any earthbound form of vegetation. It was actually bright neon pink in colour and seemed to be laid our in patterns one might make in one of those spirograph things. I had never seen any visuals to match this. I kept climbing, but in hindsight the thing that seemed really strange was the fact that I wasn’t put off by this pink grass which was more a part of my mind than reality but I just smoothly fell into a mindset of accepting this new reality as truth. By the time I was at the top of the mountain I was barely cognitive of any sense of self. I have experienced ego-loss before on LSD… a humbling feeling of oneness with the world but I experienced total and utter ego-death while there. I was no longer myself. I just was. The others seemed like ghosts wisping past me and any conversation was totally lost on me as my mind was busy building a new reality in front of me. That is what it seemed like… my mind was literally wiped clean and I started gathering information in order to create a new mindset…a complete new way of thinking. You cannot adequately describe in words what this feels like because your entire mind works in a completely new and alien way that describing to someone who has not experienced it is futile because they are trying to comprehend it using the sober method of thought.
<br>
<br>
I honestly can’t remember everyone else leaving but at some point I realised I (whatever “I” was) was alone. Apparently when the others left I told them I would stay for a while but I have no recollection of that which scares me a bit. I don’t think they realised how distorted my reality was at this point. With no company to latch me to any lingering traces of the real world my mind went on a journey through “forever”. I remember being wrapped in a scarf that G must have given to me which felt like a warm vine entangling me. It was more a part of me than a piece of clothing. I remember looking out over the mountain at the city lights which my mind recognised more in terms of “concept” than as actual tangible objects. I turned around and more hills and a beautiful landscape scene greeted me. I kept looking from the lights to the hills back and forward in a looping cycle that seemed more like a dream than a real world event. The grass was still pink and seemed like nylon cord more than organic. The city lights seemed like ribbons of light, the concept of streetlights was lost on me. I kept looping through a pattern which is what I imagine insanity to be, I would look at the street lights, spin around, look at the hills, rub my neck and look at the ground…I repeated this pattern for what seemed again to be nothing less than pure forever. It took the most intense amount of willpower to snap out of this cycle. While looking around at the alien scene in front of me my mind raced and thought about things in a way I have never experienced and find hard to verbalise. I went into deep thought and pondered life and death… I pondered reality… I even pondered the concept of a “concept” for a while. I was not thinking in a normal conscious sense, I was far beyond any cognition of the normal world which included my mind. Looping concepts ran through my head, not in chronological time but rather in the form of pure thought. Ideas and loops like:
<br>
<br>
Life – death – birth – mother – father - life – death – birth – mother – father etc. etc.
<br>
Food – Warm – Air – Live - Food – Warm – Air – Live – etc etc.
<br>
<br>
While this was happening I was aware of little or no visual or physical stimulus whatsoever. I was in a dreamland of the mind and this is where “I” (whatever that might have been) seemed to exist. Eventually I broke out of this repetitive chain of loops. As I came out of this bizarre and alien state of mind tiny traces of the real world started to creep in. A friend called me concerned at why I was up here so long and said I should come down because they were making some special tea. I had no idea how long I had been up there. I was still half in this dream world but made a conscious decision to walk down the mountain back to the house. Making a conscious decision was quite a task considering I had just been trying to work out what the hell consciousness was. As I walked I really wasn’t sure if all of this was even real… I may as well have just been curled up dreaming it all. I walked down the steep hill a different way to the one we came and it seemed to go on forever like the way up even though it was just a short walk. I arrived at a barbed wire fence and considered jumping it but my sensibility which had only just started to find root again decided I would probably hurt myself. I carefully examined the fence and squeezed through two non barbed wires unscathed. Finally I got to the bottom of the hill and hit a road. It was so relieving after having seriously been considering that this walk might in fact go on “forever”. I realised where I was and started walking the road back home. The moon was in the sky and was insanely bright. The moon has been out during the day lately and it was like watching a “moonrise”. I was totally amazed with how bright it was even though it was now daylight. It was right at the end of the horizon I was walking towards and seemed to totally suck me towards it. The strange thing was that as I was walking and reality came flooding back it was the real world that started to seem “alien”.
<br>
<br>
When on LSD (lower doses) I get a certain clarity in my vision that makes the real world seem crystal clear but my view of the world now almost seemed “too clear”…there was so much clarity and detail that it seemed like a dream, I was amazed at how beautiful the world is. I always appreciated the world and how amazing it could be but this new perception took it to a whole new level. I cannot emphasise how detailed the world seemed… it was like the opposite of a dream visually…it still seemed “unreal” but the level of detail far exceeded what I knew to be reality. After a few minutes I turned down the street towards my house and saw the other guys sitting out in the park watching the sun and the clouds. They cheered as I walked toward them and I breathed a sigh of relief as confirmation of reality had been achieved. The moment I saw them was really my first realisation that I was actually not dreaming and this was in fact all induced by a drug…I seemed to forget that while I was up there. We went inside and the house was warm. I sat down and just rested for a good while and tried to assemble the mess that was my mind back together.
<br>
<br>
The events on the mountain really did seem to deconstruct my mind and, as I came to, I had to reconstruct it from scratch. It is a totally overwhelming experience to say the least and not for the faint of heart or mind, but was totally amazing. I talked with the guys for a while about what exactly happened last night and they filled me in on some points that I really couldn’t remember. I had a cup of coffee and walked outside again. I was still tripping very hard visually but I was cool with that, my mind had been exhausted and I was just glad that my mind had stopped racing. I decided I needed sleep, or at very least to lay down and rest. My body and mind were both just totally depleted of energy.
<br>
<br>
I wrote down a few words in a book I keep summarising my experience and view of the world and reality:
<br>
<br>
There “is” a certain place where one’s mind is free to float in an infinite sea of forever. One’s “mind” is as much a reality as the physical world that we cling to. The mind and the physical are not two separate entities on different planes of existence. There is an infinite fractal architecture linking the mind and the body woven into itself forever. The entity we know as consciousness is a combination of our minds taking stock of the “real world” and the real world creating tangible realisations of what the mind would perceive to be “true”. The idea of forever lends itself to an infinite void of conceptualisation that can only be countered by stopping to realise the moment that is “now”.
<br>
<br>
That night LSD really handed my mind to me on platter and let me see inside. It was an amazing experience to have total ego-death and to question ideas like “self” “I” and “real” with total conviction. But it is also an experience that gave me a huge appreciation and respect for the drug. High dose LSD is not for everyone but in the right conditions with right mind set it can be amazing. I wouldn’t say this experience was good or bad… I was in a world in which those concepts where non existent…it was simply an experience and a reminder of how fragile reality actually is.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2004</td><td width="90">ExpID: 34238</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Nov 21, 2004</td><td>Views: 143,941</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=34238&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=34238&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">125 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I waited years to try LSD. It had become such a hard drug to find by the time I was interested in it, so I waited a long time to try the FIRST drug I was really interested in.
<br>
<br>
The place: a wonderful campground in a forest in Ohio. The atmosphere turned out to be better than I could have hoped for.
<br>
<br>
I took a single hit of blotter (it had fractals on the back) at 11pm. It was hard to tell exactly when I started feeling the effects, as I was too excited and jumpy to begin with. I think it was about fifteen to twenty minutes though.
<br>
<br>
Normally I can be pretty paranoid, especially on psychedelics. I would never dream of taking mushrooms in a forest in another country with people I had not met before...but LSD turned out to be much different. I think it was the rather slow and long rise to the peak - it gave me enough time to adjust to the changes.
<br>
<br>
As I neared my peak, a group of us walked down a path to the edge of a lake. The sky was completely full of stars, and the light reflected off the tiny ripples on the water. I watched the light dance around the lake with a life of its own. The stars moved constantly, and each star appeared to be a small cluster of three or four stars. The body buzz was neither unpleasant nor enjoyable. More a tensed-up feeling of anticipation. It didn't bother me though, and even added its own effect to the feel of the trip. There were times when laughter would bubble up from my depths for no reason. Life is funny, amazingly funny!
<br>
<br>
I tried smoking some bud a little after the peak, and as I suspected I promptly got much higher. At this point it was suggested to me that I should go for a journey into the forest. I walked off with another guy (I still have no idea who he was, just that he was tripping too) and was lost within ten steps. The darkness under the trees was thick. It looked like the air itself was inky black. None of this bothered me, though. I'm not sure if I could have been bothered, as I was so utterly confused by this point that I had no room for thought. We stumbled around in a daze, trying to figure out where it was we were going in the first place.
<br>
<br>
I ventured back to the campsite after only a few minutes, when I realized there was no point in going somewhere I didn't know.
<br>
<br>
LSD lasts a long time. I wish it would last a little longer still...but the length is something I have never experienced before. Mushrooms are mostly over with in five hours, sometimes much less. I had taken my hit at 11pm and by the time 6am rolled around I was far too many hours into my trip. Everyone else at the site had fallen asleep by the time the sun peeked over the horizon. I decided to go back down to the edge of the lake, to watch the sunrise.
<br>
<br>
The ten minutes that I watched that sunrise will live with me forever. The feel of the place and time left me in such a state of awe I had no words to describe it. I still don't, really. The sun was rising on the opposite side of the lake, casting its rays directly towards me and across the rippling water. A foot or two of mist covered the entire lake as well. A gentle breeze came up from behind me and began to blow all the mist away from me and towards the rising sun. The top of the mist rippled and rolled like the top of the water below it, except the mist travelled away from me while the light twinkling on the water came towards me. If I experience another moment like that in this life...I will count myself greatly gifted.
<br>
<br>
I hiked back up the hill to the campsite and tried to take a nap. No use...still too much energy.
<br>
<br>
I finished coming down by lunch, with the last visuals subsiding around 10am or so. I left with my ride shortly after lunch and headed straight back to Canada.
<br>
<br>
I have learned much from what I experienced, and I know there is still too much more to learn. LSD is a great teacher, indeed.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2003</td><td width="90">ExpID: 26967</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Dec 1, 2004</td><td>Views: 25,968</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=26967&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=26967&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : First Times (2), Glowing Experiences (4), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">150 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/smarts/tryptophan/">Tryptophan - 5-HTP</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 12:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">7 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(gel tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">180 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
What I saw this night, I have decided to write about, is beyond comprehension, but some of it can be put into words.
<br>
<br>
I was at my house, which is in a rural area, alone. It was nighttime, and I planned on having a good solo trip. I had acquired 10 'windowpane' gel tabs of good quality lsd. I had the next day off, so I wasn't concerned about how I would feel the next day. A week before, I had tried 1 of them at a party. It was strong, with good visuals, social anxiety, some good body vibes, and mystical thinking.
<br>
<br>
I turned on some trance/house music. I had a plan of visiting another world, I knew I could because of my sample of the magic the week earlier. I had been taking 5-htp for depression. I took it in the morning at about 10am.
<br>
<br>
At 10pm, after thinking of a dose, popped 7 of them. I let them partially dissolve in my mouth and then swallowed them. I will try to put what happened next in a linear time perspective, but these are estimates, and at some points are rough guesses.
<br>
<br>
20 minutes later, I feel that tingle, the stimulating, awakening vibes of acid. The rush is quite strong, I shiver. I lay back on the couch, squeezing a rubbery 'stress ball'. Light visuals start, I see the dim room light up some.
<br>
<br>
At 10:45, the walls, ceiling and floor are breathing, warping, melting and swirling, some with extra color. The music sounds distant, but it feels like it has physical contact with me. I feel nervous, it definately feels too intense to be completely comfortable. But, I smile at the new, changing environment. My thoughts separate and manifest into observations of my life at such a different angle, the thoughts flood my mind and I try to tune them out.
<br>
<br>
11:30? I have thrown up yellowish green stuff on the floor. I am still on the couch. I walked around briefly but found the environment around the couch to feel more right. I put my fingers in the substance. It was slightly warm. I begin to loose comprehension of who I am. This is where words become hard to use. I think I close my eyes and I am in a lake, surrounded by millions of bacteria. I see them so detailed, large, brown, jelly things swimming with hundreds of flagella. I am one of them. I am comfortable with this, because the life is simple and there isn't any immediate worries. I am not thinking. I only see, and feel. The presence of the music in the background adds to the idea of peacefulness in my bacterium life.
<br>
<br>
12? Something goes wrong with my feelings of peace. The devil turned my water red with death. He seeks to harm. I wake up into my body. What the fuck is this, I think without using language, because language is gone. 'This body, my hands! so complex...' The idea of evil after me still is there. I am now a spirit floating unwillingly from random body to body. My thinking is of pure defense, and this is a rough interpretation. I get up off the couch. WINDOWS! they cheat reality, they trick reality, the devil could see that my fortress here is not of normal nature. (I am not sure completely of my thoughts). I get up and grab a stick of reality material, which happened to be a fireplace rod. I go smashing windows and glass. I strike them like they tried to kill me. I wasnt sure who I was but I was taking steps to protect it.
<br>
<br>
2: I wake up on the couch, was I asleep? I dont know what happened. My normal consciousness is slightly returning with my confused ego. I do not recall the window breaking. I get up and feel cold and then see the mess. OH shit! I dont know what happened. I think that I did it, but there are paranoid thoughts about an evil that has been chasing me. I see light visuals only now. I recall a time when the music was invisible globs of brilliance, and when they hit me they burst color all over.
<br>
<br>
4: after laying on the couch a while, I think to myself, I'm going to enjoy this trip, and ignore the horrible mess until I am sober. If I closed my eyes, I could voluntarily enter a trance with some hazy visions.
<br>
<br>
1pm: I wake up, feeling terrible. My back, my stomach, my head, my mood, all hurting. I look at the window near the couch. This sinks my stomach. I get up and head for the shower, noticing on the way a broken picture frame. It was about 50^F outside, and it all came in. I feel a little better after the shower. Then I review the damage. Later I put plastic sheeting over the windows and cleaned up the glass, getting cut 3 times.
<br>
<br>
6 Windows broken (3 small, 2 larger ones, and a glass door :(, and 2 picture frames). I also had oddly turned the computer keyboard and monitor face down.
<br>
<br>
This night was madness, insanity, craziness. Some of the memories are lost. I wouldnt regret it at all if it wasnt for the property damage. But, the rational way of thinking disappears too much for this dose, I imagine 2 hits of this stuff would severely impair someone.
<br>
<br>
I will never trip this hard again. This happened last week, I still feel weird and see light tracers. Its not like I can take a bunch of acid and go crazy and loose identity of everything I know of, and not have lasting side effects, possibly permanent. I sure hope I return to normal. I think the 5-htp increased the trip, and made it different than usual, but I cant put my finger on what.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2003</td><td width="90">ExpID: 21922</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Dec 30, 2004</td><td>Views: 43,980</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=21922&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=21922&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Train Wrecks &amp; Trip Disasters (7), Alone (16)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:59</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 10:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">300 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
<span class="erowid-note">[Erowid Note:
Claims of measured microgram dosages for LSD are usually unsupported. Quantitative measurements for LSD are very difficult to do and cannot be done casually. Without further detailed information about how the measurements were derived, it is reasonable to assume that most statements of microgram dosages of LSD on blotter or in microdots are either misinformed or overstated.]</span> <br>
<br>
How to begin? Where to start telling the tale of the night my Old Self died, died on my living-room couch? That fateful night had been long in the coming so let me briefly flash back to a few years ago before telling the tale of last Friday, when I died and was reborn again on approximately 150 micrograms of LSD.<br>
<br>
I’ve been a Psychedelic explorer for 11 years now, and my first true voyage started in 1993 with 1.2 grams of Liberty Caps mushrooms. (Psilocybe semilanceata) I have tripped approximately 100 times on mostly Psilocybin and LSD, using LSD only about once per eight fullblown trips. As my experience grew the trips got evermore intense, the difficult/bad trips started happening and intensified. In my view the so-called ‘bad trips’, Hellish as they may be, are a sign you are experiencing life itself in its fullness, that you do not flee suffering but rather confront it. But since a few years ago something startling started happening every once in so many trips: I felt a Presence, demon or angel I cannot tell, who asked me if I wanted to follow it. And I always knew that if I were to follow that there was no turning back, that I would experience the greatest horrors imaginable. And so I declined, time after time, not ready to go Beyond. <br>
<br>
Last Friday night no such luxury as Choice was offered to me. LSD took me beyond that threshold and made me face the greatest Hells imaginable, only to discover that the Gate of Heaven sometimes lies in the Center of Hell.<br>
<br>
One of my Spiritual Brothers and me got together for a weekend-long LSD Session. The plan was to take a small dose of LSD on Friday night and then take a larger dose on Saturday afternoon. We had blotters that had tested to be 50 micrograms and microdots that had tested to be around 200 micrograms of Lysergide.<br>
<br>
But it was not to be.<br>
<br>
Blotter sheets, shortly after they are laid, are often hung out to dry. This can have the effect that the lower rim of the sheet through gravity accumulates more Lysergide solution and ends up to be laid with far more LSD then the rest of the sheet. These blotters are called ‘sheet ends’ and it happened to be so that on the night that we were to try a 50 microgram blotter they turned out to be 150 mcg plus, a dose roughly comparable to 3.5gr (1/8 ounce) of dried Liberty Caps mushrooms, or 5 grams of dried regular Cubies (Psilocybe cubensis) as they are usually sold.<br>
<br>
After having gotten our weekend groceries, dined and waited 3 hours for our stomachs to empty my Spiritual Brother and I each took a blotter of LSD under our tongues to absorb the LSD through the mucous membranes of our mouth. This provides a rapid ascent and greater dose efficiency. And a greater dose it was, easily three times the amount we had planned to take.<br>
<br>
We were aware in a minute, and steadily climbing some twenty minutes later. About one hour into it, 10 PM, we were clearly on higher ground. We had turned the light off and there were many visuals, but they were bleak. It was hard to gauge the extent to which we were high. It proved to be the silence before the storm. A little later we both were intellectualizing and pacing around the living-room and kitchen, discussing all kinds of matters of the real world. We discovered we were clinging on rather then letting go of consensus reality, so we turned off the light again and looked inward, by which time it was clear that we had widely overshot the mark by three times and that a Great Session was to unfold.<br>
<br>
A candle was lit and guided our way through the night.<br>
<br>
We found ourselves intellectualizing once more.<br>
‘The Queen ought to come and give us a medal for still being in the Resistance sixty years after the war.’ I joked, and indeed we were fleeing into rationality and again turned to introspection. By now it was obvious it was going to be a direly intense trip.<br>
<br>
At about two hours into it, 11 PM, well after we had achieved plateau and were subjected to the great mental compressions and decompressions of intensity that are called ‘waves’ I started to feel an all-too-familiar aura. The room was shifting in color and lost proportion, looking almost like it was filled with water rather then air. I knew all too well what this meant: I was in the Place where the Mushroom had taken me several times, but now on LSD, the place that lay between trips as I knew them and the Great Beyond.<br>
<br>
The Mushroom had often asked whether I would follow, a bit like a telepathic thing or rather an intense thought emanating from my Subconscious. LSD offered no such choice: It pulled me right in, no questions asked. I was starting to feel suffocation, as if I got no air, and this became evermore acute and intense. Finally it overcame most of the Trip and was quite overwhelming.<br>
<br>
Oh God Almighty.. was I going to die?<br>
<br>
I decided I had an acute anxiety attack and that the feeling of suffocation was due to hyperventilation, so I slowed my breath and breathed through my cupped hands as to accumulate the CO2 my lungs needed to break the cycle of hyperventilation. It passed, but now my back locked into tight muscle tension like I never had experienced before. ‘I feel like a Ninja Turtle, I already got the half-shell, but it remains to be seen whether I can be the hero I need to be this night.’ Trippers in peril say the oddest things. The suffocation returned with a vengeance.<br>
<br>
Suddenly separating barriers slammed shut between me and my Spiritual Brother, I was in a cocoon that separated his reality from mine. When he spoke I heard him, but his words had lost all meaning to me. I knew he was making sense but it just did not register. I was mad, psychotic, clinically insane and dying by suffocation. I walked off to the bathroom but was smitten in my kitchen and sat down right on the floor, looking away as my Brother, now quite worried went to sit in front of me and started a talkdown which must’ve been a gem… if only I could register his words because nineteen out of twenty times I just could not understand and was kept away from his tender loving care.<br>
<br>
‘Ooohh.. I want out… Yup I want out of this mayhem.. I got a goal in life and that is to make it out of this insanity.. This is the grandmother of Bad Trips…” And my grandmother had died. And I was to die that night in agony and insanity. My friend rationalized away, very deeply involved in his Trip but committed to get me into the good space where he was. He had Trust and I trusted I was fucked.<br>
<br>
‘It can’t BE worse. I have reached rock bottom.’ I replied to my Brother’s question, or at least I believe it was a response to what he said. <br>
<br>
I got up and hugged my Spiritual Brother with all my might. <br>
‘Life is so hard.. It is so hard to hold on.. I don’t want to die…” he lovingly held me in his Spiritual embrace and I cried lamenting my life. I believe he must’ve cried too.<br>
After three million years we let go.<br>
<br>
I went to the bathroom and slammed my ass on the bowl. The bathroom door and walls breathed and closed me in, but not nearly as closed in as I was by my isolation from reality. I leaned with my head against the wall and was consumed by the torment. I was beside myself, sometimes on the outside, or above, looking at my tortured self just sitting there. I put my hand on my bare leg and looked at it. My hand lost size and shape, my leg bubbled and boiled as if it were full of reptiles fighting their way out of a leathery egg.<br>
<br>
‘Oh GOD… Help me PLEASE…’ It couldn’t be more from the heart. I was at the end, Sheet’s End, in the bowels of Lysergic Hell.<br>
<br>
And then I felt it. That is when it happened. Amidst my suffering I sensed I was not alone. A benign force was with me. I felt the Presence of God. Somehow it felt like matter became transparent. I felt the Cosmos as One. I felt the galaxies through the walls and straight through the earth beneath my feet as if it were somehow transparent as glass. My Brother asked if I were OK. Yes. Somehow I was. I was an Organism, a suit of flesh wrapped around an Essence that was I. And I was not alone. A Force that encompassed and permeated everything was with me. The Universe was the Body of God and all matter was his Flesh. There is nothing but Deity, and nothing does not follow the Master Plan. And my Hellish Death was entirely symbolic and I had to go through it that night.<br>
<br>
Off the toilet. <br>
<br>
Dying outstretched on my living-room couch. <br>
<br>
I felt a calm come over me. I remembered it well: It was the calm I felt when I lay on the Heart Ward of the Intensive Care Unit with my heart attack, and Death was imminent. It was the Calm of Death.<br>
This time a peace came over me that reassured me it was truly good to let go, even if I were to die by ceasing all struggling.<br>
<br>
My Spiritual Brother was talking non-stop trying to get me out.<br>
<br>
‘No: It is my destiny that I must die tonight. I’m going through a Grofian cycle of Ego Death and I must complete it. If I don’t complete this I will come out of this trip insane. Let me die.’<br>
<br>
‘Well, DIE THEN!’ my Spiritual Brother blurted out and seemed to feel sorry.<br>
<br>
‘You are forgiven. All is forgiven.’ I said this from my death bed. I would die, there was little doubt that at least my mind would die and that death was imminent. Then he asked if it were good if he left me to go to the bathroom. I said yes. He went, and I would die.<br>
<br>
Peace in Death. Tripping is for real. Having had a true Near-Death Experience I can vouch for the facts that the fears and torment that accompany Ego Death, and the calm that may follow, are identical to the struggle of Biological Death, exactly the same and every bit as intense as it can be when you will die.<br>
<br>
I closed my eyes. <br>
<br>
‘Goodbye, my Ego. I have loved you with all my heart, but now you must die, die so I can be reborn anew. Goodbye, my Old Self…”<br>
<br>
The calm gripped me. I saw veins, and the blood sinking down through them. I saw my body as if from a distance. Detached from it. Totally in peace. Time dissolved. My Spiritual Brother returned and I snapped back into my body. He pounded away with his good intentions, but sky-flying on LSD his mind was vexed by my agony and he had locked into talkdown-mode. <br>
<br>
I got up and ended up on the kitchen floor again. He sat down in front of me and we established connection, slowly but surely he got me in tune again. Bless him. I was amidst the stars, the Earth and bricks of my house transparent to my mind and at one with Deity, the Deity that is the Universe, the sum of the Anything &amp; All. I still was in pain and very much out of tune with my Spiritual Brother. But I was returning to normalcy, my Brother talking me down from the agony that still was.<br>
<br>
‘Keep going: I don’t know what you’re doing but it’s working.’<br>
<br>
Slowly my agony dissolved and gave way to what Eastern Paths and the hippies of old call Cosmic Consciousness. I was emerging from Hell to find Heaven at the deepest depth of it. I looked at my Spiritual Brother. I was still a million miles away, my mind separated from his by the cocoon of realities. It dawned upon me that each organism is like that: fully isolated in their own universe with but few ways to communicate between them. He had told me it was 1:30 AM which now dawned upon me and it gave great comfort. I was smack in the middle of a raging LSD trip, approaching or already in the peak. I wasn’t insane, it wasn’t the aftermath with me emerging mentally unstuck: we were four and a half hours into it, a good two hours before the descent would even present itself.<br>
<br>
‘I want to be who I am. I really want to be who I am.. I want to LIVE..’<br>
<br>
This was far more then a yearning for sobriety: this was nothing short of a renewed commitment to life itself. I felt profoundly changed after my Ego had died on that couch. I was no longer suffering. I was tripping on LSD once more. I wanted to go outside to see the Cosmos, my Spiritual Brother opened the door and told me the sky was overcast by clouds, no Cosmos to see.<br>
<br>
‘Oh trust me: it’s there.’<br>
<br>
Back on the couch. I closed my eyes and there was so much to behold, most of it symbolic and three-dimensional. Suddenly I was gripped by imagery. I saw Africans. Men, women and children, not just imagery but I felt them like I had been them another time around, that I had known them. I held their memories and accumulated them until it seemed I felt what seemed like racial/ancestral memories, the suffering and greatness of our African heritage and those who remained in Africa after my later ancestors left it for the lush forests of Europe. Then, when the fullness of the experience was reached, the imagery and experience shrunk into the tiniest of the tiny and merged with a tiny speck of a geometric patterning I saw before my eyes. I felt like all this was part of the pattern, and that the pattern was the Energy Form of the Universe. <br>
<br>
We got up off the couch again into the kitchen. I was overcome by the organismic Experience. My Spiritual Brother and I so clearly were animal beings walking the surface of a planet, I felt One with all the Beings that ever were or will be. I sliced an orange in two and shared it with my Brother. I leaned to the sink and sank my teeth into it, overcome by the organismic experience of eating. Suddenly I was overwhelmed by the feeling of being a young African boy, leaning against a hot loam wall in a village eating a fruit. This lasted a split second but gave me great joy: I knew I had been that boy in a former life and would be him again, fully convinced reincarnation is absolute and the Divine Force is perfect and infinite. Then Divinity let itself be truly felt and filled me. My Spiritual Brother talked about his love and devotion for Jesus Christ. ‘Back off with that Christianity!’ I said rather harshly because I felt the Divine Force touching me, that it was All Gods of All Religions, that he was Jesus and Mohammed and Buddha in one, and his loving words from his Christian faith felt like they fenced in the Deity that revealed itself to me right then and there. The God/Goddess/Force truly is the Anything and All.<br>
<br>
I remained in Cosmic Consciousness for the longest time, aware of the galaxies and stars that are all around, aware of this Force that was the Anything and All and acutely aware of my organismic nature and our shared but separate universes. Beyond the six-hour point we started a peaceful descent and discussion of what we had experienced but I was too overcome by the naked intensity of what I had lived through to grasp his experience, no matter how I wanted to I was filled to the brim.<br>
<br>
‘God is ready with me this weekend. I will not take LSD again for some months but I definitely will take it again.’<br>
<br>
About on the tenth hour we popped open a beer to celebrate our Journey, and later on we went to sleep. We clanged together our shotglasses of ice-cold Jägermeister and toasted.<br>
<br>
‘To Brotherhood.’<br>
<br>
Then he went to the guestroom and I went to bed myself. In darkness there was much imagery but all too soon I drifted off into deep sleep. My final dream before awakening was that I stood in front of a closet with many compartments and was neatly putting matters of Life into the appropriate compartments. When I woke I sat down on the couch where my former Ego had died hours ago. I wept overcome by the sheer beauty of the Divine Force that had revealed its presence to me. I was in awe and joy. I grabbed the phone and called my other Spiritual Brother, a Tripteam-mate who couldn’t make it to this Session and blew him away.<br>
<br>
‘Full Intensity. I lived my worst fear and got through it. I feel reborn. I know I will meet with these Hells again, and far worse then I did now, but I know that if you truly surrender to Hell, Heaven awaits.’<br>
<br>
We talked and talked until his mobile phone battery went flat and that night he joined us. We embarked on an MDMA-Journey which made it the best Session the three of us have ever had.<br>
<br>
The Spiritual Brotherhood, the Cult of Three...<br>
<br>
Explorers in the Further Regions of Experience.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2005</td><td width="90">ExpID: 39856</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jan 19, 2005</td><td>Views: 20,816</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=39856&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=39856&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Bad Trips (6)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:59</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.5 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">0.5 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:59</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/tobacco/">Tobacco - Cigarettes</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 9:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 9:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Over the last year I've experimented with many different substances, and have consequently had some very memorable experiences. But my first trip on acid (about a year ago) was definitely the most exhilarating, and it happened more or less by accident. I lived with my boyfriend marc at the time, and it was a friday night. We'd planned on getting some X but unfortunately left it far too late and were unable to obtain any. The situation was looking grim and we were both very disappointed, until a friend rang and said he had some acid, if we wanted that. Well, I'd never had it before but am always up for a new experience, and LSD has always interested me. So we said yes, collected it and settled down at about 9 o'clock, both of us very excited. We lit some candles, put on the lava lamps and organised the computer so that we could play some music, it was all very cosy. Marc decided that we should take it easy, only taking half a hit each at first. It felt very strange on my tongue! However, after half an hour, neither of us were feeling any effects, so we decided to take a whole one each. Then again, after another half hour we took a final half.
<br>
<br>
By now 1hr 30mins had passed and I was beginning to feel slightly strange. I couldn't decide if I was tripping or not, and desperately wanted to be, the whole thing seemed very disappointing. I kept saying things like 'I might be tripping, that cord could look like a snake' but in reality it was just wishful thinking. And then...Marc said something, and before I knew it we were both in hysterical fits of laughter, my cheeks were killing and I couldn't figure out what was so funny but that just made it funnier! Still no trips as yet and I was beginning to think this was all we were gonna get, fun tho it was. How wrong was I?
<br>
<br>
By the time 12o'clock rolled around, I had irrevocably lost touch with the world as I knew it. I remember looking at the end of my cigarette and realising that there was a little animal sitting on the tip! it was truly amazing, as the cigarette burned the animal kept changing shape, sometimes it was a bunny, sometimes a cat, always moving, and always friendly. Thoroughly transfixed I tried to show marc, but he was still in fits of laughter. Well I stayed like that for ages, just gazing at my cig, then the plant on the table caught my attention - it was electric green with pink spots! and this time when I told marc he could see it too. All around me everyday objects were changing shape, and colour took on a whole new meaning. I had descended into 'acid vision.'
<br>
<br>
I have a habit of writing when I'm on drugs, we had a doodle book specifically for that purpose, and I found myself writing 'cabbage, cabbaged, cabbaging' over and over again. Not very productive I know but no other word could explain the way I felt. I felt unplugged, my coordination was gone and I could most definitely not talk coherently at all. Trying to eat a cracker I found that my hand just kept missing my mouth, my brain could not compute the two in connection with each other. It was truly terrifying, I just sat there and said 'I feel insane. This is how it must feel to be insane.' Marc instantly agreed with me, and we had quite a discussion about it, both realising that we had gained a strong empathy, pity and understanding for the mentally disturbed. It was not that we felt bad, but that was only because we knew that this loss of touch from reality was only temporary. To feel like that all the time, so disconnected and lost, would be horrifying. The most simple of things, making a cup of tea or even sitting up were suddenly almost impossible, the messages between our brains and bodies were just messed up, missing their targets.
<br>
<br>
Marc wrote a poem at one point; and to this day, when I read it I get chills down my spine because it was just so RIGHT, everything he wrote fitted our emotions perfectly, although to someone else it would make little sense.
<br>
<br>
The most profound moment of the trip came at about 2o'clock. We had stopped talking, both lost in our own fantasies. The atmosphere was so calming, the lava lamp was casting lazy swirling shadows aroud the room and an amazing song, PPK, Resurrection (the full version), was playing on the computer. I was sitting on the sofa, marc was standing by the fireplace, and I can honestly say that for the first time in my life time stood still. The only way I can describe it is that I felt like me and marc were inside a luminous pearl, or a bubble, completely removed from the world in our own little plane of existence. Neither one of us spoke, we just stayed in our positions, perfectly still, and I felt that this was the way it should always be. Each note of the song tugged my heart, transported me into a realm I have never before imagined, just a perfect little bubble of RIGHTNESS, where my surroundings were arranged in the most perfect way they could possibly be. It wasn't euphoria, it wasn't happiness, it was just rightness, which I discovered was the most important thing in life, finding that balance and holding on to it.
<br>
<br>
it felt like this moment lasted forever, but in reality I think it was only a few minutes. Marc suddenly moved, and I came out of my trance, but the feeling of awe remained, and is with me to this day - whenever I hear that song I just go quiet and remember my beautiful epiphany.
<br>
<br>
My sense of time was warped, and it seems to me that the next few hours passed in a flash. we spent a long time comparing trips, both seeing the ceiling ripple and pulsate, just laying there bathed in love for each other and the world.
<br>
<br>
There was one brief, but horrific, moment when I found out just how wrong things could go on acid. I'd heard of 'bad trips' but nothing had prepared me...I snapped out of one of my little head journeys to find marc looking at me - I have never seen such an expression of abject terror in my life. 'help me' he moaned. 'I'm on a bad one..' I just froze, I could not speak or move. It was like he was transferring his emotions to me, I was suddenly knocked over by an unbelievable feeling of uncontrollable fear and uselessness. 'Why won't you help me?' he kept asking, and I just shook my head, unable to form words or even to go to him. That's when I saw something out of the corner of my eye, something big and dark moving across the ceiling. Although I refused to look directly at it, I could feel its shape and hostility and it was getting closer and closer. I freaked completely, shaking my head from side to side and crying, then marc was there hugging me. As he moved away I saw that his face was covered in pulsating green lines, they were all over his eyes and forehead, he looked like a devil! I couldn't look at him but couldn't explain why, and then he hugged me again and just whispered that it was going to be alright, I was gonna be ok - and I snapped out of it. just like that, just because he loved me, everything was perfect again.
<br>
<br>
But the experience taught me that acid can be very fun and enlightening, but when it goes wrong I really DOES go wrong. However, a little bit of reassurance is all you need, just stay calm and still and be positive and it can be dealt with very quickly - always make sure you are with a close friend, in a very safe and comfortable environment.
<br>
<br>
At about 6am we remembered that we had half a pill left from last weekend (X), and decided to smoke it, with some dope, just to chill us out. That was nice, the two are definitely a good combination, but by this time we were both tired and so didn't really notice many of the effects. We just spammed out, watching tv, thoroughly at peace, until 8ish when we both crashed out. Making our way upstairs in the dark I was utterly transfixed by my mobile fone (if u are ever tripping look at your mobile in the dark, it's cool!). the screen was lit up and as I moved the fone the screen left electric trailbacks, and then totally separated itself fron the handset, becoming a spinning ball of light! I swirled it round, and the light literally became a planet spinning round and round in the air, I felt like I could touch it!! I sat in the hallway for ages just waving my fone around and giggling, until marc dragged me to bed.
<br>
<br>
There is much much more that I could say, many more trips I could describe, but I think you get the gist and I have waffled on for far too long! I would just like to say that I think that LSD is an absolutely incredible drug, and side-effect wise much less damaging than speed, coke, pills etc. I felt no depression in the ensuing weeks, no paranoia, nothing really except a mild feeling of unreality, which quickly passed. And I also had several small blackouts, but cannot say which drug caused these. I can't exactly say that I would recommend LSD, simply because the effects vary so greatly from person to person and trip to trip. but I can say that it was an incredible experience for me, beyond anything else I've ever felt. I plan on doing it again as soon as possible!<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 12607</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Female</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Feb 10, 2005</td><td>Views: 33,220</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=12607&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=12607&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : First Times (2), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">4 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">125 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I had experimented with LSD before, amongst other drugs, all throughout my high school years. I ate my fist hit of blotter acid while sitting in first period Geometry, sophomore year.
<br>
<br>
Junior year, prom weekend, and many trips later, my friends and I decided to skip the traditional 'weekend at the beach' following our prom, and get a camping trip together instead. 5 of us piled into a Blazer, and armed with a few cases of beer, a substantial amount of pot, and roughly 20 hits of Felix the Cat.
<br>
<br>
We dropped as soon as we got to the campsite. It was nothing special, a state park, but it suited our needs. Although it was still daylight, my friends began openly smoking and drinking beer. Being 16/17, and generally leary of 'The Man', I protested such an obvious display of underage drinking. However, I quickly began to succumb to the acid, and retreated into the tent.
<br>
<br>
The familiar jolt of energy and excitement that accompanied the onset of a trip was absent. Instead, I began to feel very tired, which worried me, having eaten 4 hits an hour previous. I layed on my back, staring at the tents roof, and tried to enjoy the intense visuals which had come on a little too quick for my liking. The tents roof was my canvas, and upon it i saw swirling deep vortexes of color, faces, melting into faces, melting into faces, some familiar, most not. Vivid, vivid pcitures, which almost seemed to make a soft scraping sound, as they slid along the rough material of the tent. It was beautiful, but I could not shake that feeling of tiredness, which was joined by a sense of impending doom. I was aware of my feelings, and new I was letting the acid get to me, and was determined to pull myself out of it, before I went any deeper.
<br>
<br>
As I pulled myself up off the floor, and started out of the tent to join my commrades, I heard a car pull up to the campsite. Unnerved, I peered outside, only to see a State Police car sitting no less than three feet from the tent.
<br>
<br>
I sat back down.
<br>
<br>
I heard the doors open, feet, crunching the soil beneath them, the offensive 'DOODLE DOODOODOOT' of the officers walkie talkie. I heard the initial questions...How old, from where, names, ID, beer, where, how much, any dope, who else is in the tent? My cue. I stepped out, eyes straight down, and joined my friends.
<br>
<br>
We were forced to pack up all the beer into their trunk, then, we were ordered to pack up our stuff and leave the park. Leave the park? Where would we go? Heads full of acid, two states from home, no money. I ventured back into the tent to collect my belongings, as the officers watched from their vehicle. I heard my friend behind the tent, trying to stifle a fit of laughter, as he freed one of the tent spikes, and dropped the entire tent on top of me.
<br>
<br>
Fast forward. What started out as a bad trip induced by my unfamiliar surroundings, in the woods, and friends getting on my nerves, had taken an interesting turn. Luckily, our driver had ingested only one hit, and was able to drive. We drove, in search of a motel, getting lost in a Penn. town, which time had seemingly forgotten. One 'Inn', had men in suspenders and greased handlebar mustaches shooting billiards and smoking cigars. I swear i saw a woman wearing a classic 1920s gown, although I can hardly recall if it was real or not. This was nearly 3 hours into my trip, and the visuals had been reduced greatly, but reality was now beyond my grasp.
<br>
<br>
Lucky for us, my friend had been a boy scout, and recalled there being a boy scout camp in the area. We abandoned the motel idea, and set out. We arrived, and grabbed only some blankets and a transistor radio, not eager to pitch the tent. We picked a spot close to a waterfall, deep within the trees, and settled in. Finally relaxed, and quiet with my thoughts, I began to assess where I was mentally. I found I was still annoyed at the whole ordeal, but felt good. Converstaion dwindled, and we were lost in the acid.
<br>
<br>
It was the noise of the waterfall that got to me. That unstoppable roaring, which would under normal circumstances might be pleasing, began to reshape in my brain. I began to replay the noise, backward, slowed down, and quicker still, tweaking the sound. When I got bored of the game, I tried to move on, but found the noise was inescapable. The roaring was louder than ever, and playing at a lower pitch than normal. I spoke, in an attempt to divert my thoughts, and end the audible halluciantion, my most profound to date. When I spoke, however, my voice trailed off, and I heard it repeated, as if echoed, over and over, growing more faint, but increasing in tempo, as if circling the group. My words seemed to travel upwards, and increasing in speed, much the way a marble will travel down a funnel. Finally, with a *pop*, they were lost to the sky. I waited for a reaction from my friends, not realizing until then that this hallucination was my own. They remained quiet, as if I had not spoken. I did not repeat myself.
<br>
<br>
As chatter did spring up, the same 'funnel effect' would always happen to their words. I knew I was alone in hearing such things, as it was so maddening, none suffering the same would dare to speak. Every so often, I heard a faint moaning, seeming to come from the sky, from all around me. I tried to ignore it.
<br>
<br>
Soon, their voices began to slow in tempo, which was terrifying. Like a record playing, and turning the power off, any sound started normal, and gradually came to a standstill. As I sat up, and opened my eyes, silently begging for some moonlight so as to focus on some visuals, I noticed that not only the sound of their voices, but all around me slowed as well. The trees blowing in the wind, the water hitting the rocks, and life as I knew it, that electric hum that exists in everything, slowed to a standstill, before starting back up, over and over. I found that everything began to slow only as I lay still. Life started back up when I moved. I realized I had to keep moving, for if Life were to stop completely, it would end. I could not let it stop. I had to keep moving, forever.
<br>
<br>
I became terrified.
<br>
<br>
I was so lost in my trip, that I dont know how I came to be walking, holding my blanket out in front of me like a child. I was following my friends through a grassy field, all four of them in front of me. I turned, and saw a few more behind me. This confused me, as there were only five of us total, including me. I broke into a run, trying to reach the figure I was following, but I could get no closer. The closer I got, the further away the figure went. I stopped, and my friend strolled alongside me. 'Who are we following?' I asked. He claimed he didnt know. I think I saw fear in his eyes, but couldnt be sure.
<br>
<br>
I am still not sure why we came to be walking. We found a nice, (quiet) area in the tall grass, away from the water, and spent the rest of the night staring at the beautiful sky. The stars, colors, movements, were amazing, and I was all too happy to have my visuals returned to me, being out under the direct moonlight. On it's downslope, the trip had taken an altogether unexpected turn for the better.
<br>
<br>
Soon, the Sun began to rise, and reality began to sweep back in. I felt like I had been hit by a truck, yet I was happy. Later, coming off the rest of my trip in a tire park we discovered that morning, I heard that moaning noise again, however faint. I popped my head out of the tire in fright, but as I did, the noise vanished. When I retreated into the tire, the noise returned. I attributed the noise to a plane overhead, it's drone reverbing in the tire. We went home.
<br>
<br>
In the weeks to follow, I remained very paranoid, and nervous around certain noises, and trees of a certain shape...real abnormal fears which made no sense, yet they remained. I tried to connect with my friends on it, but they hadnt experienced the same audible hallucinations I had.
<br>
<br>
That, was the last one.
<br>
<br>
In retrospect, I think it was my mood, the surroundings, the police encounter, and the dark which all attribiuted to my very real fear of this drug. Nearly 10 years later, the thought of that night still makes me nervous. Setting is critical to a good trip, so be safe.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1995</td><td width="90">ExpID: 13509</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Mar 10, 2005</td><td>Views: 18,282</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=13509&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=13509&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Post Trip Problems (8), Difficult Experiences (5)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">170 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
[dose: slight overdose, squirt where a drop was the idea]
<br>
<br>
We are significantly addled. That is good. How near the flame now! Verging on the edge of incineration, we see that the business of selfhood itself is in flux.
<br>
<br>
There is a blob of light just outside of me, perhaps two feet in front of my eyes. The blob of light dances away as my vision moves toward it. I cannot place my gaze directly upon it. It exists only in the dreaded Zona Peripheralis. Upon the blob of light, or rather pouring from all directions into the blob's pulsing, white-hot center, is the nexus of reality. The color, shape and essence of all things in the room flow and dissolve into the center of the light blob. And because thusly the light blob becomes a phenomenon so fascinating and compelling that I wish to pour all of my five senses into its center, I find myself in the quite desperate situation of wanting to 'be' the light blob, yet frustrated by my inability to fix any of my senses upon it.
<br>
<br>
As this occurs, I become aware that my senses ( and therefore 'me') are being drawn and dissolved into the blob of light. Now joining all the matter of the material world in this commingled mess, my selfhood begins to bleed away. The blob of light expands in front of me, becoming a portal through which I plummet for no distance and zero time. I emerge awash in a most terrifying place. My selfhood has joined everything which exists around me in a chaotic mixed ocean of reality, sensory information and consciousness. In this place, I become suddenly aware of the process which got me here. This knowledge does not come alive inside my brain 'privately'. But rather seems to 'happen' outside of me. And though this thing had begun to play itself as a memory, or as a thing to be known about some ill-remembered before, it displaces the present and becomes what is actually happening. Therefore, I find myself living the various steps which got me from normal perceptual consciousness to this place of madness, but now as if for the very first time. In other words, what began as a hazy memory of something that had already occurred (as if I were sitting in my car parked on the side of the road, trying to recall something of the trip to explain my present location) instead becomes a new experience which is happening to me for the very first time.
<br>
<br>
This is how I got here: I become aware of 'sensory traffic' (i.e. the flow of sensory data between perceived object and sense organ) as something tangible. This 'stuff' of seeing, tasting, smelling, hearing and feeling begins to dissolve into itself. This sensory 'data stuff', which had existed in distinct categories appurtenant to each of the senses, begins to flow freely out of those categories and into a variegated morass. Thus the profoundly abstract and disturbing synaesthesia state becomes a reality. Colors speak to me and touch me. The air smells of red and green. I can taste my own excitement. This last observation does not register immediately as a portent of what is to come (what already came). But it should have.
<br>
<br>
As I lean forward to place a kiss on Lauren's hip, the sight, smell and taste of her flesh rushes so rapidly into my brain that the aggregated sense phenomenon that was kissing her hip becomes an emotional event inside me. Or rather, the bundled sense data shifts instantaneously from being about Lauren to being of me. This bizarre transformation triggers the breakdown of the boundary between sensory traffic and internal self-awareness (i.e. the current inventory of thoughts on my 'desktop' which owe none of their essence to any externally originating stimuli.). This understanding lasts only for a moment, though. Because as soon as I hold it, it disintegrates - leaving (in the wake of a small, bright explosion) a pool of undifferentiated thought energy. This pool mixes reality's emanations, my reactions to those emanations and all the other ejecta of consciousness in a seething mass which glows brightly white for the most part, but pulses spasmodically with intense non-primary colors for tiny instances.
<br>
<br>
My selfhood has broken down and has been lost into all which had previously existed outside of me. My jaw dissolves into Lauren's hip, tugging my brain behind it like a slab of cold liver pulled by a coat hanger. I flow with the jaw into a place of warm and agreeable darkness somewhere inside her body. I believe my flesh eyes are closed. But I can see the effects of a highly reticulated prismatic kaleidoscope at work before my vision. I become afraid. Nothing is real. The things generated by my imagination become indistinguishable from whatever really exists. I panic. I need desperately for the real to assert itself over the imagined. I get up from the bed, turn on the light and command Lauren (though she will remember it as a whimpering plea) to exist more forcefully. She complies. I stand there shuddering and try to describe to her what has just occurred, and how now all of that experience seems a pool of molten gold, still stretched across the bed, from which I have just emerged, and whose gold liquid still drips from my body as a lingering memory.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 14224</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Mar 25, 2005</td><td>Views: 19,124</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=14224&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=14224&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:59</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:59</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">sublingual</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:59</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">150 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
So far I haven't found too many other reports of persisting conditions similar to mine, so I'm posting this in the effort of gaining more information on the condition, flushing a few others with a similar experience out of the woodwork, and reassuring (to a certain extent) those others.
<br>
<br>
Before this particular experience, I was a fairly experienced user of marijuana and mushrooms, and lightly experienced in the use of LSD (2 months, approx 10 trips). I've always been a lightweight when it comes to pot smoking, and have shown signs of Acute Panic Disorder when smoking too much. I had previously never had any negative experiences with hallucinogens (I was arrogantly hoping that I would get to deal with a bad trip, so I would know what it was like).
<br>
<br>
The dosage was fairly normal to start with, 2 hits on paper, dissolved sublingually for quickest onset. I then watched a movie with a close (also tripping) friend, and had some minor visual effects, along with the elation of coming up on a trip. We both smoked some weed during the movie, which added to the effects and led to some severe time dilation. While the movie was only approx. one hour in length, we found ourselves surprised that the acid hadn't really started to kick in yet. So we headed upstairs and took another two hits each. The sensation of the acid dissolving under my tongue suddenly caused the full effects of the first to kick in, amazingly strong. This gave me a moment of pause, but I'm a fairly competent and cool-minded individual, so I managed to shrug it off.
<br>
<br>
I remember there were some mind-blowing visual and mental experiences in the meantime, which I can't remember much at this point, but it all took a turn for the worst when I started to feel a numbness in my limbs. Unfamiliar with the multitudes of psychological effects LSD can have, I thought that it was an indication of some impurity in the acid, and that thought sent me into a horrible spiral. I think I could have managed it fairly well, but my friend handed me some pot 'to help calm me down'. As only approx 45 minutes had passed since my last smoke (it felt like hours), a few tokes put me into a full-blown panic attack.
<br>
<br>
For those who aren't familiar with panic attacks, they often come on hard and fast, without regard to logical reasoning on the part of the victim. Often there is a feeling of being both too cold and too hot at once, and an immediate concern over overheating/hypothermia. Heart race is increased due to adrenaline and the mind locks on to this as a sign that something is wrong, making the heart seem unnaturally fast...Often fear of death comes along with that, but I haven't feared death in a long time. For me, the fear is that I will remain that way forever. Some other effects include concentration on breathing, being convinced you are going to pass out, and an undeniable urge to keep moving.
<br>
<br>
This panic attack was particularly horrible, having all of the symptoms listed above, compounded by the enhanced mental state from the LSD. This was a full-blown bad trip, and I knew I had another 6-8 hours of it. I managed to keep a cool outward appearence to avoid setting off a negative experience for my friend, but inwardly, it was horribly intense, and very disturbing. I felt like calling 911 at one point, but was calmed by the fact that LSD does not adversely affect the body (though I still had some concern of it being laced). It took a long time, but I finally went to sleep, exhausted.
<br>
<br>
Everything went back to normal for a while, wherein I went back to just smoking pot every now and then, in moderation (3-4 hits did it for me just fine). However, at a later time, while I was at a friend's house a few months after the initial experience I took a single hit of particularly potent pot (below my normal threshold for a marijuana high), and immediately went into the full-blown panic attack again. This was highly disturbing, but I decided that if there was such a problem, I would just avoid pot.
<br>
<br>
Well, the next six months or so were very unpleasant, as the panic attacks would come fairly frequently, 3 or 4 times per week. They got to the point of causing me to be very disturbed and non-productive. I went to a psychiatrist and they immediately diagnosed me with mania and threw pills at me. I went to another psychiatrist and they immediately diagnosed me with depression and threw pills at me. I really dislike psychiatrists...I used the medications as a stepping stool to understand and analyze the panic, get to the root of it, and solve it. A year later, and I still have the effects pop up now and then, and I have to be careful when using any substances that alter consciousness even in the slightest. Also, periods of shifting mental state (going to sleep, meditation, etc) can bring the attacks.
<br>
<br>
Due to the decreased amounts of attacks, I believe that the problems will eventually cease, but since I haven't found too many accouts of this, I can't be sure. I hope this comes in useful to someone. Remember, it WILL get better, if you let it. Get through panic attacks one at a time, and keep working through your life. It's hard, yes, but sometimes there's a price you pay for expanding your consciousness. I think of it as a lesson in caution and humility, and I suggest all users of strong hallucinogens remember to show IMMENSE respect to them.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 14910</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Apr 7, 2005</td><td>Views: 29,902</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=14910&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=14910&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Bad Trips (6), Post Trip Problems (8)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 glass</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">125 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
It all began at one AM, but the waiting game had gone on far longer than that. I was at my girlfriend Lucy's apartment, waiting to drop acid. She wasn't going to drop with me - but soon my friend Ani arrived, and with her a girl named Julia. Now all that was left was Larry. Larry, who was in town for the weekend, my best friend whom I get to see about twice a year, who was also the first person I ever took LSD with. He was aiming to get to Lucy's about 10 PM and didn't get there until 1 AM, which meant it was officially the Vernal Equinox, the first day of spring, a day for rebirth.
<br>
<br>
All night something strange had been in the air - outside you could hear people hooting and hollering, and after two bowls and a gin and tonic we all agreed that we felt fucked up in a way that was stranger than being stoned and a little drunk. There was energy in the New York City atmosphere, and we could feel it coursing through everything around us. Finally the clock hit 1 AM, we were all exasperated from playing the waiting game, and Larry rang the doorbell. When he came in, Lucy Ani and Julia grabbed him by the arms and restrained him. I approached him slowly, and he grinned, pretending to struggle as he opened up his mouth and I placed two tabs of acid on his tongue. Then I took my own 2, then Ani took hers, and Julia took hers. We were ready to begin.
<br>
<br>
We smoked a bowl, waiting to feel weird. It was about 30 minutes later that I first felt an undeniable quiver in the deep down center of my soul. I was restless and couldn't hang out in the kitchen with everyone just standing around. I wandered around the apartment, watching things, waiting for the slightest changes, while the Flaming Lips' Soft Bulletin played from Lucy's stereo. Things were definitely getting strange. I walked by the bar, which has a mirror mounted above it, and watched the reflection of a trippy drawing of the word 'STRETCH' . . . as I walked by it, it did just that, stretching outwards into the mirror-world, and I knew that something was certainly beginning. Soft Bulletin ended, we listened to Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles, and then put in The Arcade Fire's awesome album, Funeral.
<br>
<br>
At this point I was feeling what I can only describe as glittery and jittery. I was shaking a little bit, my heart was almost racing, and I felt it coming on in a rush. Antsy and needing a change of scenery, I suggested that we all move into the ultra-trippy living room which Lucy and Eileen (her roommate, one of my best friends) had decorated to be a very chill smoking den. The CD was playing on the stereo in there, and the room was covered in psychedelic tapestries and posters, with no windows, and multi-colored lights. We were in a tripping box.
<br>
<br>
Once we settled into that room, the acid started taking full effect. Ani and Julia weren't sure if they were tripping, seemed to have a tough time settling into it at first, but Larry and I would make eye contact that silently said, 'Wow. We're back.'
<br>
<br>
Lucy was taking awesome care of all of us, just watching over us and making sure we were comfortable, and she gave me a necklace of hers - a suede necklace with a large glass heart hanging from it, full of bubbles inside. I knew immediately that this was my tripping toy, my buddy, the thing that would always keep me safe, and I clutched it, feeling like it was giving me such good energy. Then Lucy gave us her Game Boy Advance, and Larry and I started taking turns playing Ms. Pac-Man while Ani played Mario Kart Double Dash!! on the GameCube. As usual, videogames were fun while tripping but at the same time felt a little too artificial, and I soon started to be a bit annoyed by all the electronic screens I felt surrounded by. And then, as the Arcade Fire CD came close to its finish, everything went BONZO.
<br>
<br>
Eileen, Lucy's roommate, came home, and with her came a whole troupe of people, about six in all. I knew that this was going to happen but was completely unprepared for it. It was a really emotional moment for me, too, because as soon as Eileen knew that we were tripping I knew she was upset we hadn't done it with her. I knew she'd be relieved to know that Lucy hadn't eaten any, and I couldn't bring myself to say anything to her except that. We had shared the acid experience so many times - half the times I've done it, actually - and I was completely overwhelmed.
<br>
<br>
Lucy put on the Hockey Night CD, which bugged us all out during track 4 or 5, when a voice on the CD suddenly says 'Hi Chris.' Chris is my name. We laughed a lot. Things were getting extremely visual. Eileen's DJ poster was vibrating with every single bass beat, and the tapestries in the room were shifting and flowing like wild, but our time in that room was soon to come to a close, because some of Eileen's pack of friends were going to go to sleep in there, so we moved to Lucy's room, which was to be our psychedelic headquarters for the next couple of hours.
<br>
<br>
Everything seemed really shaken up at this point, and everyone was sort of scattered, though I felt really connected to Lucy and really excited to see her playing DJ on the stereo in her bedroom, picking awesome rock music for us to trip out too, Led Zeppelin and the like. Like I said, the four trippers all seemed scattered, and suddenly Lucy decided to play that Parliament song that goes 'We Want the Funk...Gotta have that funk, ow!' And it was like the entire universe converged on her room. Suddenly Ani and Julia and Larry were all near me and we were all bouncing to the song, and it seemed to me that we all understood that YES! This was our SONG! We want the FUNK! Larry stayed standing for a while but Ani and Julia and myself got comfy on Lucy's big bed, and I started really looking around, clutching Lucy's favorite stuffed animal, a beautiful soft white owl named Ivan. I was holding Ivan in one hand, and my good-trip glass heart in the other, watching her tapestry swim in its reflection in the mirror on her wall, and watching Bjork move in and out of her poster.
<br>
<br>
It was time to listen to another full album, and we put on Phish's JUNTA, disc one, and this my friends is when I truly had the absolute LSD experience. It is almost impossible to convey what actually happened, the conversations we had, people moving in and out of the room, but it seemed to me that in between every single word that was spoken, and every single note of every song coming from the CD, that a million other moments were transpiring just for the four of us on LSD. Sometimes the rest of the world would actually move in super-slow-motion and I would feel like I could do a dance in the time it took for someone not tripping to pick up a glass of a water. Everything was completely connected, everything flowed into each other and I just basked in the glory of it, feeling like I was traveling along the story that the songs were telling.
<br>
<br>
Lucy had been taking great care of us as I said, and anything I asked for she would get for me and didn't seem the slightest bit annoyed which made me so grateful, because I felt pretty useless beyond laying there and simply being. So I asked her to bring me a book I had brought, Harold and the Purple Crayon, and I started reading it out loud while we all watched the pictures. But it was as if I didn't even need to look at the pictures, because as I said the words the entire story seemed to be created in my mind - I felt like I was a caveman creating a story for the first time, and that just by saying it, the story was coming into being. It was beautiful.
<br>
<br>
As Phish kept playing I felt like entire conversations were happening that no one besides us could possibly hear. It was like I was shifting back and forth between millions of possibilities for the same moment in time. We were amazed, looking at these Wildly Emotional Monkeys.
<br>
<br>
I took my first trip to the bathroom, and was immediately freaked out by the sight of the toilet and the sink. I knew that trying to aim while standing up was simply a bad idea so I resigned myself to sitting down on the toilet and waited what seemed like forever till I felt like I could comfortably go to the bathroom. While I went, I stared ahead at the bathroom door and put out my hands, staring at them, and revelation after revelation poured down on me, making me feel endlessly lucky just to be alive. It was there, in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet that I felt pure and utter ego loss, losing myself to the flow of things and feeling a true understanding of the light moving between all things.
<br>
<br>
Then I returned to Lucy's room, and took a spot on the bed beside her, clutching my glass heart while putting my head against her hip. Larry seemed absolutely normal, as if tripping on acid was equivalent to his state of normality, and he kept on talking about lots of things that were just kinda blowing my mind. Then Phish ended and it was time for another CD. And another world.
<br>
<br>
Ani was doing something at the stereo and then I heard her press play and the opening notes to Radiohead's Hail to the Thief began. I shot Lucy a sideways glance and she understood just from that one look that I did not want to hear this album..it immediately reminded me of the hardest mushroom trip I'd ever had, with Ani and Larry, during which I went completely crazy to that very same album. I took a deep breath and got ready to listen to it. When the second song started, it really scared me, and I laid down on the bed next to Lucy, putting my head next to her lap and hugging her legs. She was playing with my hair, putting me at ease, tickling me now and then, and when I just thought about the fact that I was holding her and she was holding me, everything would be okay.
<br>
<br>
I thought of Timothy Leary, and felt all my limbs, and how I was experiencing life down to its deepest level. I was no longer me at those moments, I was just the latest incarnation of this role that had been played for millennia - the male. The male being, amazed to be alive. And Lucy was playing the other role, the female, and it made me love that duality, that need for a complementary half to one's own soul, and in my mind I placed Lucy and myself in every role. Mother and son, nurse and patient, sister and brother, lovers, anything I could imagine. She was the all-woman and I was the all-man, she was the earth-mother and I was the first man to walk the brown soil and wonder at the grass, and she just stroked my hair and said 'Explore.'
<br>
<br>
But between those moments of ego-less bliss, Radiohead was freaking me the hell out. And then it happened - during track 3, Sail to the Moon, Ani started saying why she loved that particular song. And I listened to her, and then sat up and interrupted her and said 'We've had this exact conversation before.' And we had. That time I had a semi-bad-trip on mushrooms. And it bugged me out, so we stopped talking about it, but the album continued to scare me. Lucy would make me feel a lot better but I was getting nervous and nervous, and as Myxomatosis was playing, suddenly I got up and ran to the bathroom, dropped to my knees, and puked into the toilet.
<br>
<br>
I'd never thrown up tripping before, and frankly, it blew my damn mind. I looked at my chicken and vegetable soup sitting in the toilet, looking purple and disgusting, and leaned my head out to the door. 'Lucy, could you come in here please?'
<br>
<br>
Lucy came and I was so grateful for her to be there, and I just wanted her to take care of me and make me feel better. She touched my head and smiled so sincerely that I felt like I was melting, and then she turned the sink on and started splashing water all over my face and my chest. She was literally just throwing water at me, and then smearing it across my forehead and my face, and it felt utterly beautiful. I felt like I was shedding skin, like she was washing away all these levels of myself down to this inner being, this inner child deep within that was coming out to the foreground. I felt baptized, ready to begin anew, and we went back out to her room.
<br>
<br>
I was still bugging out a little bit and we all decided it would be a good idea to go to the roof. Eileen and her whole big group of friends had all retired for the night and so we crept out onto the fire escape quietly and climbed up one flight of stairs to the roof and some of the most beautiful visuals that I have EVER experienced. The city was wild and from Lucy's roof you could see it stretching out forever in all directions. Buildings were rising and shrinking, stretching and shifting, and I walked arm and arm with Lucy across the roof to the ledge overlooking 9th st.
<br>
<br>
We hugged, and I opened my eyes looking over her shoulder, squeezing her tight, and I could see waves of energy rippling the entire city, rushing towards that one rooftop, that one spot where the two of us were standing embracing each other, like we were the center of all gravity. I cried a bunch. Ani Julia and Larry came over and we stood there watching the city in the early morning - at this point it was around 6 AM - and all the pigeons swarming over downtown. As the pigeons landed on the buildings they would turn the color of whatever paint they were nearest to and melt into the faces of the buildings as if they were a part of them. Then they would become themselves again and fly off. It was insanely beautiful.
<br>
<br>
Ani and Julia went downstairs and Larry Lucy and I stuck around on the roof for a bit, talking. Finally we rejoined Ani and Julia, and I was struck with a sense of need-to-get-out-of-here. I felt like I had spent so much of my soul in Lucy and Eileen's apartment that I couldn't bear to be there any longer. I had touched God there in that room and now I couldn't stay. We all got our shoes on and went down to street level and took a walk a park. We split up again, Larry Ani and Julia taking one route while Lucy and I walked arm-in-arm and talked. I cried a bunch more, and we sat down on a bench in the huge clearing near the southeast corner of the park, right in front of two humongous tangled arching trees, I wish I knew what kind they were. The rest of the crew joined us and Ani wandered around listening to her iPod while Larry, Julia, Lucy and myself sat there watching everything.
<br>
<br>
In the distance two men walked by, and one of them threw his arms up to the sky, saying 'God! God!' and I thought, 'I know exactly how you feel.' All of us did. Finally we got up to walk on, but first, in girl-boy-girl-boy-girl order, we all hooked arms, and walked in the shape of an infinity sign around and between the two trees. When we were coming towards the intersection point that marked our making a full figure-8, we all braced ourselves and I swear you could feel that we were sealing some sort of grand and eternal deal.
<br>
<br>
We couldn't go back to Lucy's apartment - or at least, I couldn't - and so we just picked up our pot and our bags and headed to mine instead, which was just up the block. On the way I threw up water outside a deli, and felt pretty shaken up. We went to my apartment and smoked and Lucy made me some tea. I drank a couple of sips of it, crying (Good tears, Good tears) while Larry played Neil Young and Interpol and all sorts of good songs. I needed to lie down and I asked Lucy if she would lay with me and we went to my bedroom and got under the comforter, just laying there and thinking about everything that had happened, talking about all of it. I felt completely happy, but at the same time it seemed so hard at that moment to still be tripping, so I just clutched my glass heart in one hand and Lucy in the other and breathed deeply for a few hours.
<br>
<br>
We could hear the rest of them in the other room, listening to music and eventually watching I Heart Huckabees, but I only got up a couple of times to go to the bathroom. I had to stay in bed, I don't know why, but I just needed to rest everything, body and soul. Eventually Julia left. Then Lucy went home. I went to sleep, and woke up when Ani left and stayed up with Larry for a while, then left to rejoin Lucy and see how I could go about rejoining the real world. It turned out that Indian Food and a Led Zeppelin DVD were the answer.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2005</td><td width="90">ExpID: 41611</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Apr 15, 2005</td><td>Views: 16,536</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=41611&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=41611&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 tablet</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">rectal</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/tobacco/">Tobacco - Cigarettes</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 4:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 capsl</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">rectal</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">220 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br><!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
This experience happened a few days ago, last weekend at an undergroundish psy-trance gathering of hippies, ravers, burners and college students looking to fry the happiest way we know how. For me it was also my first time candyflipping (taking lsd and ecstasy together) and a celebration of having finished my midterms with good grades after working my ass off for weeks. As the time of the event approached and we scrambled to get the sound, decorations, visuals, soundproofing, etc. in place, tension ran a little high. People got frustrated with one another, but thankfully in the end things fell together wonderfully and we created an incredible space with blacklights, projections, handmade glowing psychedelic tapestries, etc. My mindset was a combination of impatience, anticipation, nervousness and excitement as I waited to see how the party would turn out and what the night would bring.
<br>
<br>
At 10:15pm, with the space prepped and the music starting, I stepped off to the bathroom to take my first dose of the night. I ate one lsd sugar cube (these were incredibly strong, our trusted medicine man refused to sell more than one to anybody, which was a good call) and nervously inserted one compressed green tablet of ecstasy stamped with a strawberry logo in to my rectum. This was my first time plugging anything, but from what I had heard about the experience of plugging x, I thought it would be worth a try. After washing my hands obsessively (because I mean, eww, especially if you're going to be touching people all night) I stepped outside for a cigarette. By the time the cigarette was done, I was coming up incredibly hard and fast. I had the familiar unpleasant sensation in my stomach and the feeling of a rapidly rising body temperature, but I didn't feel like I was in danger of vomiting, which was incredible considering how hard it was coming on. I rode out about 20 minutes of sensory overload on a couch that became more comfortable with each passing second, finally taking a small hit of marijuana to settle my stomach. With that done, I found myself rolling HARD. That maniacal clenched-jaw grin settled in, every sensation was like heaven, and it was only getting better.
<br>
<br>
Heading in to the dance floor, I experienced orgasmic bliss from the bass rattling my body. I found I was already experiencing outrageous visuals, which is what makes me suspect that there may have been MDA in the tab I took, as I was not yet experiencing the body load or the 'mindfuck' associated with the stage of an LSD trip that produces visuals at that level. I started to dance, the joy of pressing beyond my normal limits, exerting myself more and more and experiencing the music with ever-increasing intensity. About here my sense of time begins to fade as the lsd kicks in, and I find it increasingly difficult to dance as my body begins to confuse me and the visuals build to the point where it's difficult to see clearly at all.
<br>
<br>
The next thing I know, I'm at the bottom of a 'cuddle puddle' on a huge sofa, a tactile orgy. I can't believe how incredible it feels to be so connected to these people, we're all in love now and we show it with every kiss, nuzzle, scratch, touch, tickle, squeeze. The girls, the boys, everyone is absolutely beautiful and nobody is the least bit afraid of each other. There is nothing lecherous or even really sexual in our caresses, each of us is simply engaging in sensual worship of and tribute to these beautiful, beloved creatures we are lucky enough to call our friends. The menthol cigarettes and high quality weed (it keeps me from frying too hard, brings out the acid and tastes delicious) come out. We are in fucking heaven. A guy I'm acquainted with, but have never really talked to much is there beside me, and we hold on to each other as fiercely as we can, talking, massaging, loving. I have no words now for the depth of the connection, of the adoration, of the safe glowing radiant love joy. Each moment is such a precious gift. It is love. It is delicate, impermanent, impossible, drug-induced, yes. But it is heartfelt, intense, gorgeous. We are gods, superhuman, unafraid, wonderful.
<br>
<br>
With difficulty, I manage to get my eyes to focus long enough to see that it's 2:45AM. I'm coming down now, but by no means crashed. I step to the bathroom again, this time plugging a gelcap filled with 'molly', pure mdma powder. I dance again until I feel it in my stomach and return for a few minutes to the sofa and my friends. As I come up on the molly, it's clear that the acid isn't acting on me so strongly now, though it is far from gone. My head is clearing, the energy is rising within me. The molly speaks with the booming voice of God, handing down one simple commandment: 'Dance, white boy.' I am overjoyed to comply. I'm on the dance floor, the neon ribbons in my hands glowing under the black light and creating psychedelic patterns as the beats drive me to move like I can't even believe, as the bass washes over me, my eyes roll back in my head with the impossible pleasure of it, every breakdown finds me in a sweat-soaked reverie, every buildup raises me to the stars and gives me the energy to hurl myself back in to the fray.
<br>
<br>
Deciding to give my body a break, I step outside in a motion that I'm told by an applauding group of friends combines all the best of sex and swimming (I slicked my soaking hair back from my face, looking to the sky and gasping ecstatically at the cool night air). Outside, I wait my turn to use the firespinning chains. When my time comes there is no fear, my coordination is perfect. I see the beauty of the bright orange flames as they whip past me, the fire roars gorgeously and I am overcome by the intensity of the sensation. I am surrounded by it, consumed with it, part of it, yet still in control of it. I am superhuman, there is power and glory in every move I make. This is fucking rapture.
<br>
<br>
I take one more green strawberry, knowing even before I do that I'll regret it. As dawn approaches, a group heads up to the roof, watching the sunrise together and smoking out. After lounging around with arms around new and old friends, talking softly for a few hours, I head home with a headache and muscle soreness like you wouldn't believe, pound a couple of cosmopolitans and am soon slipping off to sleep.
<br>
<br>
I wake up some 15 hours later feeling, well, like shit. My body is ravaged and sore, my mind is dulled, I am unable to focus or feel much of anything. I ride it out, and wake up the next day feeling pretty much the same, but the feeling continues to fade as the day goes on. Today I woke up feeling pretty much normal. I believe sincerely that smoking a little pot periodically throughout the roll keeps me just slightly mellower and reduces the period of time that I will experience after-effects for. I also should have been smart enough not to take another tab so late in the night. Anyway, I doubt I'll be doing this again soon (it takes quite a toll and I have other things to do), but dear Jesus am I glad that I had this experience. It was so incredibly intense, and yet so clean, so bright, so pure, so wonderful. I think that the experience will stick with me long after the hangover has disappeared.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2005</td><td width="90">ExpID: 41257</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Apr 30, 2005</td><td>Views: 53,394</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=41257&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=41257&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">MDMA (3), LSD (2) : Rave / Dance Event (18), Hangover / Days After (46), Glowing Experiences (4)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/dmt/">DMT</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">145 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
It took me well over nine weeks to orginize the pick up and drop off of both the LSD and DMT. I am an experienced Acid user, and umong other things use it to simply trip, meditate, at times explore the universe, and other times I do it because my life has been good and the day is nice. I am lucky, having such access to LSD, however, my source has slowly dried up, and I have been dry. Not that this bothered me, as I said life is dandy and drugs were used like a walk, a good one here and there and not too many lest I get bored of them. Then magicly it happened, my source got five hits of aperently very high quailty, possibly 100 or 120 nq (nanograms is it?) Per hit. I had also been gearing up for getting some DMT, somthing I have done before but less frequently. I thought that the time was right, the setting couldnt look better, and life was good; it was time to drop acid and blaze in a cloud of DMT.
<br>
Parinoia: possibly, Fear? Most likely. Self inspection? Lets hope so.
<br>
<br>
What merited this experience was the fact that I was going on a road trip with my source, and a number of freinds. Oh my twas straight out of HST's (who unfortunetly passed away recently) Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. We had well over 160mg of DMT, 5 hits of acid, maney a bag of grass, three diferent species of mushrooms (sry I cant tell which ones) and lots of spare cash, not to mention one bottle of very fine Barbados Rum. Ah, yes, a drug fueld drive from our New England home to Las Vegas, and from there to Yosemiti National Park. We split the stash into fairly equal parts, I chose a few shrooms one blotter and I believe 35 mg of DMT. I was saving the acid and DMT for Yosemiti. (the shrooms will have to be another story)
<br>
<br>
Fastforward a week or two and you'll find me calmly walking down a forgotten path, somewere in the woods. I had dranken an herbal tea of Valerian, St Johns Wort and Chamomile. I had also slept well the night before, and had fasted all of the current day. The sun was out, and I was alone with only my close freind Mr. Acosta (ha). It was around 1 PM when we both droped our blotters. By now, when was walking slightly ahead of him, I could feel the first afects come on. I smiled, turned to him, told him 'lets find a pool or bed of water and watch the rabbits frolic about'. So we ambled off into the crisp summer breeze and found a pool of water of somesort, very idealic, with a classic stream pouring into it. An hour had passed, and I was peaking fast. I layed down, dangled my feet into the water, and smiled as the trees waved before me and around me. The place felt right, the time coudlnt of been better, so I turned and told him to pass his glass pipe over. He knew what I was doing, and in order not to be a mental strain on me he stood, smiling, and loped off after some ray of sunshine, who knows. He was having a good time, and he trusted that I could handle myself. I lumbered up with some difficulty, the ground was beggining to undulate.
<br>
<br>
As I stood I had one of those classic times when the high hits me full on after an hour of rest during the come up. I looked at the pool and was pleased to see that the plants and birds were all smiling, breathing with a unison, reminding me that we are all one in some ways, in some ways...so I ambled off to sit by a rock, with one foot just touching the water, and made sure I had a firm support against it, I didnt want to fall over.
<br>
<br>
So as I sat here and felt my mind slowly melting into the valley and sun and trees, I questioned what I wanted out of this experience. Yes, I wanted to see things that werent there, yes I would enjoy talking with a woodland elf, but I needed a little more. So I decided I would, if I could still walk afterwards, find the center of this wood, and there I would meditate.
<br>
<br>
I packed the crystals into the pipe and took one long hit, a very long long long (seemed to last forever, and ever and ever) hit. No, this was no hit, this was the drag of all drags, a single breath, and as I breathed in the whole wood around me, the pond, the rocks, the stream grass (were those smiling faces I saw?) They all breathed in too. And then I dropped the pipe, rolled over, and closed my eyes.
<br>
<br>
!!!!!!!!!!!This is reality!!!!!!!!!!!!
<br>
Folow the chain and watch it as it leads around the bend....
<br>
*********************see? Ha see with your mind and may u not be blind .................................
<br>
Follow the chain (follow theyellowbrickroadtheyellowbrickradotheyellowbrickroad)...
<br>
<br>
My memory is a wee bit tweaked from this expereince, but I did in fact get up and followed a yellow brick road. There was one there, perhaps not yellow, but a road none the the less, leading into the heart of the wood. I thought of life and what it was. At times I would stop and lean against a tree, and we would talk (mentally that is) about this and that. When I would blink I would instantly be rushed forward, feeling my body almost let go of the ground and fly away, greeted by thousands of flying objects, beautfly real in everyway. This happened everytime I blinked. DMT doenst last very long in comparison to LSD, but it felt like ages. Every blink would send me just a little closer to (was it the edge? A good edge? Yes, the edge of god) and each blink would last a thousand years of man. When my eyes were open I would see trees bending over, and (I want to say) little men running up them. Reminded me of faires, and in the distant I could very distinctly see a massive house with a courtyard full of mushrooms. I beleive it was a reminisence of an old dream I would have as a young child, where I would climb through a small door into a wood, and at the end of the wood there was a house with a garden of shrooms. I thought of that dream, and in that instant I climbed through the little door.
<br>
<br>
I was gone. I was surfing the cosmos, but yet everywere I looked I saw a strangley Alice in Wonderland like scene, but everytime I closed my eyes I leaped forward thousand of miles to distant stars. At one point I sat down, and stayed there for ages......
<br>
<br>
I lost track of time.
<br>
<br>
At around 7 pm I got up (I dont know how long I had been where I was) and found my way back to baseground. Two of my friends were laying out on the grass staring at the sky, and I was told they had eaten their shrooms. My fellow tripper was smoking a hefty bowl, easing his way through the comedown. The others were off. I sat down, fully off of the DMT, and felt almost bored with the incredibly intense acid visuals. I had just spent a horribly long time examining everything and here I was, back at camp, after a journey of thousands of miles (not literaly), and I was bored with the acid. This led me to feel uneasy, so to a nearby tree and once agained questiond god and life, closed my eyes and felt myself slowly detach from reality. Again I came back, after a journey away, into starts and into the very meaning of life, finding the fading visuals rather dull, yet somehow more pleasing than they orignaly were. I had a new apreciation for them, and feeling rather mentally fatigued, I went about simply exploring the visuals them selfs. I watched grass wave, trees melt, clowds shift shape, the standard but always beautiful effects of LSD were never so wonderful than now. But my mind was burnt, and even though I was happy I was tired, but I coudlnt sleep.
<br>
<br>
Anyways, it was barely 8 or nine, and the sun was just setting, or at least it felt like it. So I went to my freind and asked for a bowl or two, and we shared a nice one. It did the trick, calming me down, numbing that one nerve that had been tickled too much. It was then I settled down in a comforitable spot with some music and enjoyed the rest of the comedown, ocasionly opening my eyes to examine the trees or the new stars. It was truly beautiful.
<br>
<br>
Coming out of this experience I am uncertain if I will ever blaze up on DMT while jacked up on acid, it being rather intense. There was a sense of loss when I came off the DMT and back to acid reality. But it can be easily dismissed with the sheer beatuty of the world around me. The tea helped, having mentally calmed me, and the tea I had later that night helped too, easing the trip to a gentle end, though it never really ended till the next day. Everything was warped beyond imagination, and words cant do it justice. Never try it alone unless experienced with its effects, as I was. And have a purpose. I feel the only way I got through the let down of coming back to acid reality after the such vivid insights the DMT gave me was because I had a sense that even though it was over, I had fulfilled my purpose of self inspection. Though the DMT was gone, I had done my deed, and with that there was a certain amount of satisfaction that the acid maginified into a fountain of joy, drowning out the feeling of loss.
<br>
<br>
It was amazing beyond all words.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2005</td><td width="90">ExpID: 41279</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jun 7, 2005</td><td>Views: 82,802</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=41279&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=41279&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), DMT (18) : Nature / Outdoors (23), Combinations (3), Various (28)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">8 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">130 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I hope this isn’t too long. This trip is absolutely 100% pure reality, and in fact there’s more than that that I experienced, but I just don’t want to put it all in here. I made contact with several different entities. But anyway, this all happened to me, and I believe that it’s possible to achieve that state of consciousness other than using drugs. I know I have felt extreme states of ecstasy, purely without drugs. Since past experiences, I have stopped using drugs of all kinds because I know where they all lead me in the end. Drugs are a gateway to consciousness, but what is not achieved by natural means falls back. Every action has a re-action. What goes up must come down. That’s how drugs work with consciousness. I got to see heaven, now I get to see hell. My experience at least. Anyway, thanks a lot, this was my pleasure. Ciao, baby.
<br>
<br>
All righty folks, this is a reply to the article entitled <a href="http://www.erowid.org/experiences/exp.php?ID=108"><i>Eternal Terror, Fear and Torment</i></a>. Yes buddy, I’ve been there, I know what you felt, but hey man, maybe I can clear up a few things for you. I hope so.
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My trip was like yours. First I experienced Heaven, Then I made a mistake, like Eve, and bought into the illusion of Hell. Of Good and Evil. But that’s not important, the only thing that could ever matter is the experience of God. I’m sorry if this sounds like spiritual nonsense. Even if it is though, just read it, it’s really, really interesting. At least I hope it is.
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I’ll give the details of the procession of steps that lead up to the realization of the presence of God.
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I dropped the ’cid, and it took about 25 minutes to kick in. It was very fast, and I was very, very high. The hallucinations were incredible. I saw waves of energy connecting with my thoughts. The more loving the thought, the more affect it had on the outside world. It was hard not to be loving in that state. I was in love with everything. I loved all my friends I was with and I still do. I was immersed in the beauty of everything and everyone. The tracers were crazy. I would move my hand in one direction, and the trace flipped back and forth three or four times before coming back to my hand.
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My thoughts seemed to say so much, seemed to have so much power. I was aware of the increasing soul to soul contact happening with everyone on the bus I was on at the time. As the communication initiated and grew, the flow of love grew to a state beyond anything I can explain. My whole body was filled up with this ecstatic, flowing energy. My spine felt like a big energy converter, with big lightning bolts running up it, then flowing down my arms, out of my hands into my head, out of my heart, out of my eyes. My hands seemed to move into positions on there own, only because of that energy. It was like my hand would open up like a flower, just to let that energy pour out. it was quite amazing.
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I could see the energy, not with my eyes, but I just knew what it was doing, because I felt at one with it. I could shift consciousness at will, so I could see further down the road, further to the side, maybe to a distant friend, maybe above my head. Stop and rewind at will. Look into the future. See down a thousand years.
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I realized that the soul was one with God, and so everyone’s soul was like the a holographic replica of the same existence. At the very base, we are all the same. This contact was startlingly evident. It was like not only I was telepathic, but so were the people around me. One girl, a very loud, eccentric girl, was in fact reading my thoughts and responding to them out loud, although if she was aware of it I know not. I know her soul was though..
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The realization was only building up to this point. It wasn’t fully experienced, and thoughts kept on racing around my mind. Right now I was mostly interesting in direct communion with God, and the value my desires seemed to have.
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I desired not only to know that I was one with God. I desired to experience it with another! I sat and looked at the people ahead of me. I saw the twinkles in there eyes, yet they were not looking directly at me. Why did they hold back? What are they afraid of… Every time I thought about them, and how much I wanted to see them eye to eye, they just sort of smiled, yet they didn’t look me in the eye, so it was odd. I swear, I must have had angels looking over me that day.
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The moment of realization came when a friend of mine answered my pleas for full fledged contact. She initiated the God contact by a gazing look into my eyes. At first I resisted, but then I grasped the courage to look into her eyes and experience who I was without denying anything, and boom. All thoughts stopped. The silence was overwhelming. My Lord, this was beautiful. In one instant, I understood it all. God looks God in the eye and realizes its love for itself. Such an experience brings leaves one breathless, tears to fill the eyes to say the least. You see, I had never left that state of union, but by some weird unfortunate accident, I merely forgot. It really wouldn’t have mattered how long I had forgotten. Whether asleep for 1 or a thousand years really seemed to have no significance. It was all the same to me. In that presence, one split second of the presence I felt, and everything else seems like a fleeting dream in comparison.
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In every person I saw, the one soul was there. It was the same unity looking out of everyone’s eyes. It was full fledged acknowledgement on its part. It was unbridled, it was not denied, it was something never before experienced. It was heaven on earth. The souls of others so beautifully understood this, even if the ego did not. People seemed to exist on two levels at the same time. On one level, the ego is functioning, yet at the same time below all of that, the soul is really running the show. The soul is all that matters, and nothing happens without the soul’s consent. Nothing. Even a trip to hell. It may be very subtle, but trust me, it’s all that matters. Whatever happens, it’s meant to happen, says the soul. All’s perfect, from every snowflake to every strand of DNA, to every spiral galaxy and beyond. That’s God. The ultimate mathematician.
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In this state, just about anything was possible. I could create universes and galaxies at will. I could zoom back to past lives at will. I saw who I was, who I had met, who I knew that was in this life, but also others. We were lovers, we endured tragedies, sometimes you were a hero, sometimes you were the idiot, sometimes you were…anything…trust me, you’ve been there, you’ve done it all… we’ve all been the victim, the lover, the hater, the hurt little child, that’s why its easy to forgive others. That’s not who they are. Egos only exist because they don’t know any better. They don’t know that its okay to love… who would in our society? It’s so unacceptable… the status quo is the ego, not unifying love.
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That’s sort of… well, it sucks, because the only thing that matters, out of all of those lifetimes, is how efficiently love is expressed. It’s like, that’s really all the soul wants to remember. One can spend a lifetime hating and cursing, and know not much is going to come of it, because one can spend a lifetime loving and enjoying and appreciating, and baby, the soul's going to remember that. If a person only did five minutes of real love in one lifetime, that five minutes would be the absolute highlight, over everything that they ever did in their life, that would be what the soul remembers, and relishes. Love is where the soul shines. Love…
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Anyway, I also saw some of those who had experienced this state. A sense of utter peace that no one can explain to you. You just are. Nothing else is needed. That’s what its like. I could even control my present reality. I could stop, examine it, go backwards in time, stop it just like I do on a VCR. This was all very cool. But then I got a sense that something not very cool was happening. Something very serious, very bad, very wrong was coming down onto me. This is the thing that to this day gives me uncontrollable flashbacks. Not the flashbacks where I see hallucinations. But the flashback of the experience.
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Because…this is where I made a boo-boo. This is where I made a mistake, this is where the descent started. It felt like I was reliving the fall of mankind. I felt as if I had arrived at the gates of hell. The words: The fall, fallen angel, evil, LUCIFER especially, had great significance to me. I experienced their reality only too well.
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I was being arrested by the police. I felt that these people were not my enemies, they were trying to take care of me, yet the problem lay not in what they were doing, but what was about to come. The aspect of my soul that had experienced the future brought back very grim news for me. It was like the soul was saying, OK buddy, get ready, brace yourself. You’re really not going to have a fun time here…this is really, really bad…
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Why I was arrested really doesn’t matter. I did nothing bad, I screamed at people, but in a friendly way believe it or not. I knew this was friendly because they smiled back at me and even talked to me. Think about the drunken hobo who’s all very joyous, yet still yelling at people on the street. That was me. In fact, I gave away 80 dollars, a bank card, a bus pass and an I.D. to various different peoples… still… I shouldn’t have done any of that, man.
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Don’t worry though, the bad part isn’t quite yet. There’s still another part I have to describe. It was like, I stopped existing as a person. My persona had completely disappeared, and all that was left was pure witness. I was taken out to the ends of the universe, the ends of time, even to the very, very beginning of the universe. My exploration of universal unity led me there. It felt like I was looking down the window of time and the universe. It was like an endless street of bright blue white light. It was celestial and so very vast. From this view, I saw how the universe began. How did I happen to know this? Well, I started to hear the sound of a flute… It blew. It blew again… this was a pattern, it blew, and it blew again. then it blew, and it blew again. From this, sprung forth karmic patterns that would intersect with each other in perfect mathematical synchronicity. They went to the ends of the universe, in a billion trillion different patterns, and at the end of eons, would return to one another. This was yin and yang. This was where all patterns of the universe, everything, originated. These two principles of yin and yang directed every single particle in the universe. All karma was the result of this. It was like it was so very simple, just two patterns, yet from them sprouted incalculable complexity. Everything had already been set, now it was just living itself out. Like a wind-up clock watch. Very similar to that.
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Basically all manifestations arose out of this dual yin yang cycle. You were the watcher of the duality. You were non dual, you were only the witness of the process. You can see it in nature. Nature is the creation of this. Physical life itself is the result of this. DNA! The two strands. This is Wholly Duality, sprouting out of Wholly Unity. That is my understanding. Perhaps they are one and the same, I know not.
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Anyways, I happened to wonder if I was in the void, only because It seemed to go on just forever! Thousands and thousands of years, celestial eons, or was it a fleeting second? What would be the difference…
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Freed from all concepts of myself, I completely forgot my individual identity, and there I was, left in the celestial space for eons. I began with the start of the cycle, and saw it completely itself, no joke, millions of times. I saw the cycle grow, and come back again, then grow and be even larger, and then come back again… all very interesting. I had acquired so much. ‘So this is all I’ve gone through,’ I thought to myself. I didn’t know if that’s what it was, or if it was the future. I just didn’t know. Maybe one day though.
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Anyway, I was in that state. I was mesmerized in this cosmic dance, this cosmic history. I saw different races evolve and fall, I saw the encyclopedia of the kingdom of God. Quite large and impressive. I had fallen into hypnosis almost, forgetting that I was even aware of it. So I woke up and became conscious of it once again. I thought, <i>Who am I? What am I?</i> I had no recognition of humanness, let alone Peter-ness.
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That startled me. Wasn’t I something before? In that moment, a prayer went out to God. I was in this celestial voidness, or so it seemed to me. I had become static, unmoving. The prayer had the affect of starting my personal karma again. Starting time again. So time started, and slowly, the energy and karma worked itself back so that I became conscious of my physical surroundings once again.
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Of all the places I could possibly return to, I returned to a prison. This is what my soul was telling me about. This was the dead-serious part. I was in a cell, I was in a land of shadowy figures, and the energy here felt really, really bad. It instilled me with a cringing, neurotic, hopeless sense of fear. Oh, that fear is bad, really, really bad. But, then the cops came in the cell, and started beating on me. See it turns out I kicked a police officer in the head, although I have hardly any recollection of that, but I guess the cops wanted to get back at me for doing that. So these officers came in to the cell, cuffed me to the cell bars I think, and kicked me in the head a few times. It really, really hurt and I felt so hopeless, as the warm salty blood leaked from my head. God, I was still chained to the fucking bars. After awhile they took that off, but my right hand is still recovering from the numbing tingliness that happened when the cuffs pinched my nerves or something.
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That was my physical experience, but I was still quite active psychically, and more than anything, that was what I was concentrating on. I could still see back and forth between dimensions and time-lines, and I knew that I was at the gates of hell. I saw who had been there, I saw that they had to walk through that gate, such terror it was. Worse, much worse than one could imagine. I saw that they experienced damnation forever. It was a very tragic state to be in. Before I had this experience, I never thought much of the Luciferic. Before that, I only thought in terms of body. I thought it just meant people who were jerks and beat you up and whipped you and treated you like they do in prison or in boot camp. That would be really fine and dandy if it was all that, because all the physical torturing one can imagine, is really just ‘openers’ as one man described it. All that stuff in is just child’s play compared to meeting Lucifer head on. Just getting all nice and warmed up for the real thing.
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In the real thing, there ain’t no joking around buddy, your fucked. you know your fucked, for eternity, and there’s nowhere to go. That’s how it feels. Impending doom, ultimate void, ultimate destruction. The most blood curdling feeling of doom imaginable. It felt like the rebellion had actually undermined God’s power. They had caught me, there was no escaping it now. Oh sure, they offered me a few ways out. Lets see, killing my loved ones, slitting my wrists, dropping more acid. After that I would go on a rampage with an associate and in the end I would kill her, then I would go to court, and then I would kill myself. But it would be okay! Because once I died, I would be taken back to the realm of God. They told be that I was ‘sent’ here. That I was on a ‘mission’. Very convincing lies folks. Trust me, if you ever encounter these forces. This energy. Pray, pray like you’ve never prayed before. Whatever you do don’t believe or buy into any of their tricks, no matter how great the synchronicity, no matter how convincing the lies. They are fallen ANGELS. Masters of illusion and celestial knowledge.
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I don’t know, I don’t think anybody who hasn’t been there can know what it’s like. But the thing is, like I said. its all based on a lie. Remember how Lucifer was an Angel? OK, so angels have knowledge of the Divine, of Eternity, and of the soul, so it seems as though one of the most advanced angels fell from God’s love into great egocentricity, and then used all of that knowledge to attack souls, making them believe that this hell was actually real eternity, when it is not. The reason it’s not eternity, is because you are experiencing it. God is still with you when you experience hell, because to even suggest that God isn’t with you is impossible.
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Basically, you buy into a big, big illusion. The trap of egocentricity. If you follow the ego long enough, that is where you will end up.
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So anyways, that’s one level of hell. I'm sure there’s worse, I haven’t been there, I hope no one goes even half as bad as that, but believe it or not I also went to the higher levels of hell too. There’s a lot of wanna-be impostor Lucifers, that’s basically what hell is comprised of. There’s demons, full of hatred, vampires, but the most tragic thing is there is also poor souls just like you and me who are trapped in this suffering. Their lives aren’t based on hatred, self-serving, Luciferic energy, but more based on tragedy, guilt, shame, and hopelessness. This is where most people commit suicide out of this level. I saw this, I experienced the energy out of which countless people commit suicide. I saw them in Hell, I saw there tragedy. In this level they were not tortured by physical wounds, but more mental woes.
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Although not even a fraction as bad as the confrontation with the Luciferic, these people still do live in a hell. It’s like these people are sinking lower and lower, and at the level of the tragic and suicidal, there is immense sadness, followed by a sense of loss of hope, and BAM… one is confronted with the most unloving energy imaginable. It humiliates, it insults, it blames, it makes a person feel horrible. They moan, they cry, they wallow in there misery. Some grab each other for comfort, others are taken away, others are all alone. Eternal solitary confinement.
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This is the exact opposite of God. Poor, poor people. Well folks this is where the lower astral is. With LSD, you can venture psychically into these different realms. That’s all a bad trip is, a trip to the lower astral. So, if I have any intelligence, I'm going to want to change the way I live now because, where do people go when they die? It depends, right? God is a million times better than the devil because God is me, and the devil is separation.
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It’s not that they’re opposites, it’s that one is true and the other is false. Truth has no opposite. Just as light has no opposite. Dark is not the opposite of light, dark is the progressive loss of light. That is hate. It is also like heat. There is only one variable, the presence of heat.
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Think of this diagram. Heat is love, and water is consciousness. At the very highest levels of heat, water turns into steam. The soul releases all its weight and becomes one with all there is. As it lowers down, I suppose one reaches the water level, which could be compared to Earth (purgatory!!), love isn’t overflowingly eternal like it was in heaven, but hate isn’t disastrously confrontational like it is in hell. But then it gets cold, and but happens then? Well, it turns to ICE. Hell, the frozen lake of Hell. Dante’s Inferno? You interpret it. At 0° Celsius, there is a change in character of the water. Suddenly, the recognition of all that is loving changes, twists, turns backwards, and perverts. Suddenly, everything starts slowing down, until one is left with dead cold, void of heat, static, still, forever. Welcome to my home, says Luci. LOL.
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So guys, that’s my story. The moral of the story is, God is still with you, even then, your just not really aware of it. Hell will pass away, but God won’t. So just choose that which doesn’t go away. That’s what can happen when taking acid. Things that nobody should ever know about. Sometimes ignorance can be bliss. Even if none of this is true, I just hope that that person who met the devil reads this. It’s long and detailed, but sometimes it has to be. Anyways that’s my two red cents. See ya.<!-- End Body -->
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<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2002</td><td width="90">ExpID: 17338</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jun 14, 2005</td><td>Views: 33,600</td></tr>
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<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Alone (16), Entities / Beings (37), Mystical Experiences (9), Glowing Experiences (4), Train Wrecks &amp; Trip Disasters (7), Bad Trips (6)</td></tr>
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<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">50 mg</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/dmt/">DMT</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(powder / crystals)</b></td>
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">55 kg</td>
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This is a trip report a friend from overseas sent me.
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Entheogen intake: Cannabis&gt;LSD&gt;Nitrous&gt;DMT
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We are listening to a CD by Shulman in the loungeroom. Its about 2300 and most of the house visitors have gone home. Finally the stifling effect of different energetic vibrations is replaced by a reflective quiet as the soothing and evocative sounds issue forth from the stereo and we allow the space to be lit by the entheogens eaten hours earlier.
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There are three of us. Myself, my girlfriend Rusty and my friend ZZZ. Rusty and I have eaten strong acid and my friend Z has had 2 grams of Psilocybe cubensis. There are definite benefits in smoking DMT in conjunctions with oral tryptamines such as Psilocybin and LSD. For me one can use much less DMT and still work it and get very good results...as well, the DMT experience seems to linger longer when already the Psilocybin or Tryptamine is in the system.
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As ZZZ and I talk random tripper talk Rusty walks into the loungeroom and quietly informs us that the CD by Shulman is her DMT music and I notice that she has her 'kit' for a DMT/Nitrous experience. As I watch, she has a mystical glow and I feel happy and safe in the knowledge that tonight she is bringing it through for the tribe, she is providing the space, the sacred healing energies. It is rare that rusty offers her magickal services and holds the space in a group sitting and Z and I are honoured to be experiencing it. The providing of the DMT experience and indeed for any sacred inebriant is an extremely powerful act. It can be an act of self empowerment and enlightenment for all involved or it can be a painful karmic burden and worse if it isn’t handled with respect.
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R has loaded up a nitrous balloon for me and a cone of good smoke with a small pinch of DMT on it.
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*** Most DMT I have seen varies between being a Dark Red Wax to Pure White Crystalline Shards. The more waxy and red the more miscellaneous alkaloids in the mix. This can make the smoke very thick and hard to smoke, but comes with the benefit of having more active smokeable tryptamines in the vapours. The less colour in the DMT the more pure it is. Crystalline White DMT can also turn yellow over time when exposed to air and heat; it is easier to smoke and a much cleaner experience as compared to the resiny waxy DMT.
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Z will sit this experience out... Being tentative and relatively a newcomer to DMT having mostly smoked 'Changa' and will opt to just enter the space with nitrous.
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** Nitrous is a Dissociative Tool. The use of nitrous in conjunction with tryptamines is beneficial for loosening the energetic body. The Nitrous is used to shunt the energetic body out of its fixed position and then with the tryptamine enhanced conscious thought the psychonaut can manoeuvre the energetic vehicle for soul flight.
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I smoke the Laced Cone and as soon as I breathe out the smoke I begin inhaling the nitrous.
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**I believe the secret to prolonging the effect of nitrous on the energetic body is through correct breathing techniques... Experimenting with regulating the amount of CO2, N20 and Air etc..
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I experience a melting sensation as the combined tools work their magick and I descend into a cave of swirling psychedelic cartwheels...very much like the poster that moves through optical illusions. The experience is only what I call a Surface level experience.. I am experiencing vivid hallucinations with eyes closed and I am aware of myself being in an altered time/space environment where different laws of reality apply...however I am not fully engaged in the experience...and I am not THERE and you know when you get there.
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As I am in the bulb space, I vaguely hear R smoke her DMT and start inhaling the nitrous. Energetically I feel a warmth emanating from where she is sitting and I notice her presence entering the bulb space.
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I come to baseline fairly quickly though the lingering effects of spiritual cleansing are there.
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Shortly after this experience I ask R if I could have a bigger dose. I start to pack myself a cone and Z pipes up and says that we have made him very curious and would like to try some. R smiles and says “of course” and I grab the vial of DMT and measure out the dose. Z looks at me wryly but with trust and says “Don't punish me to much” before adding “I don’t mean you” to me. I give him a good dose roughly 25-30 mg
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***This should be all that is needed for an entry level dose from fairly pure DMT, with less pure Extraction the amount could be up to 100mg.
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I watch Z smoke his cone and sink into the couch, I smile knowingly and start to prepare my cone. I haven’t been very comfortable in my relationship with DMT for a while it seems to me that with continued use, a psychonaut will undergo many transitions in their relationships with their Shamanic tools... Tonight, I think to myself, I’m going to make peace with the spirit molecule. I sprinkle a significant amount onto the cone piece... Roughly about 50mg. I smoke the DMT, eager to join Z in the tryptamine realms.
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For this next part I will write in italics:
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***
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The DMT comes on very subtle... There is no body load at all... On a very clear feeling of lightness and radiation beginning to spread from my solar chakra. I move very quickly through the early stages of DMT ascension... The veils of various realities peeling back very much like the chrysanthemum which is so highly regarded in DMT literature... And then I am there.
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Where is here???
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I see 4 blocks that have symbols inscribed on them...the blocks are made of a type of black gold. That is, it is black but also it is gold. The blocks are flaming and spinning in circular formation in an anti-clockwise direction. I watch as they all spin and click together in the form of a cross it forms a small rectangle opening in the middle which is black with gold running through it. Guarding the configuration i notice an eagle and a lion at two of the corners and I realise that they are 2 of the Elemental Archangels as talked about in western mysticism. When the blocks click together the back ground flames up and I feel like I have reached perfection. I realise this is the LOGOS that is so talked about in Gnostic and other paths. As I start to lose my objective view, the blocks begin to issue forth other blocks in complex spiralling emanations that vaguely resemble the merkabah and they fractal out in different patterns based on combinations of symbols. I try to stop the fractal of the LOGOS from spinning out of control and for a brief while I maintain the original 4 in perfect harmony. The intensity, however, is pushing me beyond this point and moves me down a spiral of coded blocks and I am then in a place.
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I can still hear the psychedelic music in the background however it is now a tool of the tryptamine awareness. I am in a space which is made up of the spongy green/yellow energy that I mostly see under bulbs and DMT... It is a pliable background of tactile energy... And in this situation I sit back as a definite presence uses this tactile energetic interface to basically put on a show for me while it uses the energy of the psychedelic music coming from the stereo. After that the trip moves upward and outward and I am now suspended in the void and it feels like I am straddling the space. There is a thick cord of yellow/green energy which is inseparably plugged into what is usually the back of my head and there is also the sensation that I am plugged in at my back and where my arms and legs are. I feel like I have been here forever. There is a powerful, constant surge of highly concentrated energies being exchanged here. And a voice tells me that I am a hub, a focal point of consciousness energies and evolutionary force.... I notice in the distance that there are junction points which are blue balls...but I am unable to think of moving.... The site is to bizarre...the reality much to real and I have never seen this before... Maybe next time...
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After seemingly being in the String suspension world for eternity... I begin the descent...and I am am spiralling down a Crystal Shaft and then I am back in my body.
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I turn to my friend who looks at me and I say 'Did you see it??'
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Thoughts on the Experience
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While I have read my fair share about the Qaballah and its correlations it has never been a system to which I really devoted much time on. So it is interesting that I would have the experience described. After this experience I spoke to friends, one of them is studying an honours in theology and mysticism and they gave me the Golden Dawn and Enochian Magick books to look at.
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The 4 blocks which are inscribed with symbols in the beginning (Probably what is called Angelic Language) Could be seen as what is know in the Qaballah as the “Tetragrammaton” or the 4 lettered word of God. YHVH. At the centre of the 4 is what is referred to by the Golden Dawn as the 'tomb of Christian Rosenkrutz' which really is an allusion to the Ark of the Covenant. When the 4 are put together it allows access to the Universal Mainframe. The Machine Code of All creation.
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DMT and the Machine Code.
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DMT is the backdoor programme, the interface between the living world and the machine. It is very much like the matrix and where they plug into a computer...the DMT is plugging us into the computer.
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At the Centre of the Tetragrammaton is the Ark. The ark is the input device. After some thought on the matter..
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The Machine Code and Enochian Magick.
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If one takes a brief look at enochian magick we see that the principals act on the assumption that the Qaballah is the primary system. The universe is deconstructed into 4 Corners which is then divided into squares...each of the squares is inscribed. The symbols when arranged in different combinations are said to Invoke the Godform or Archetype associated with the rank of the deity or godform or Energetic Awareness. On the squares are godforms which seem to go in random directions over the tablet if the tablet is presented in 2D on paper view. However if one were to form the pieces in 3D space they would form spiral blocks.
<br>
<br>
My belief is that the LOGOS in the form of Tetragrammaton is the portal of the mainframe. The universal machine. The Qaballah allows us to understand the machine. The DMT gives us access to the machine. Hebrew and Sanskrit and Arabic are all obviously stylised from the Angelic Language that are inscribed in the firmament as Tetragrammaton.
<br>
The Ark of the covenant or the tomb of Christian Rosenkrutz is the Energetic Input Device through which we Enter Energetic Search Strings for Particular Machine Code in the Sum of Creation. Qaballah and Enochian Magic may reveal to us the Particular Search Strings that are required to be entered into the Ark so that particular feats of Magick Can be Accomplished.
<br>
<br>
The Experience in the Tactile Spongy green energetic space was “1 on 1” time between myself and the tryptamine awareness, a basic how’s it going and a performance... It danced with the spongy background and with the Shulman CD... It was the private personal lesson of the experience.
<br>
<br>
The Experience of being suspended in space is possibly really where I am and what I am made of. Floating truly in a sea of infinity...connected to my tactile world through connections with other people. The forces running through me are the forces that run through us all and bind us to this thread of existence... It is the matrix of creation and the very base level where we realise that it truly is an illusion. The Void.
<br>
<br>
The descent down the quartz crystal is new to me and seems to be a typical theme in many shamanic soul flight experiences... Particularly it seems the aboriginal beliefs of seqld and NNSW had a lot of mythology around Quartz crystals and Soul flight.
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<br>
Thanks for reading.
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<br>
Any comments appreciated. Any insights into deconstructing and properly utilising the machine code the, please feel free to contact me.<!-- End Body -->
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<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2005</td><td width="90">ExpID: 42167</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jun 29, 2005</td><td>Views: 34,101</td></tr>
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<tr><td colspan="2">DMT (18), LSD (2), Nitrous Oxide (40), Cannabis (1) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Combinations (3)</td></tr>
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<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
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<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/mdma/">MDMA</a></td>
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<!-- Start Body -->
November 16, 2002
<br>
<br>
These stories, are from my own experiences, and are all based on actual events. Please share, and post them, wherever you'd like, but please inform me first, and please keep them together in their entirety. I welcome any feedback, positive or negative. These stories are still in rough form. I hope to write a book, and this just a small part of it.
<br>
<br>
Written by Miles in the month of November 2002.
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<br>
'Now I am light, now I fly, now I see myself beneath myself, now a god dances through me!'
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- Friedrich Nietzsche
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I began to feel lost and rush of great despair crept over me. I could feel in my gut that an evil dark presence was somewhere near. My intuition gave off a signal of great warning to avoid this entity.
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'Where am I?’ I thought to myself, 'How can I get out of here?'
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Then I realized that I could hear some Hard Trance coming from somewhere. I stopped to listen for a second. The beat was amazing; I had never heard this beat before. This beat seemed a step ahead of anything I had ever heard. It was mind blowing. I tried to remember the name of this track, or where I had heard it before, but I couldn't place it. It was new. I had never heard it before.
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<br>
'Where is it coming from? This beat is the bomb!' I thought to myself. Then I gathered myself and began to walk down the corridor that I had found myself in. The corridor contained many turnoffs and all sorts or directions to choose from. I gazed down each corridor I encountered, each one looked identical to the one I was walking down. I was in some kind of labyrinth.
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<br>
Then I looked to the ground near my feet. A small colored pill on the floor had caught my eye. I picked it up; it was a small bright green pill with the letters CU engraved into it. I realized what I had found; it was a legendary green CU ecstasy! Instinctively I shoved it into my mouth. I stood up and continued on my way. Just a few feet ahead of me I could see another one. I ran over to it, picked it up, and had a good look at it. This time it was a white pill with a stamp of a white smiley face on it. I ingested it just as quickly as the last. Then again! Another pill, just a few feet ahead of this one. I ran over to it. This one was a brown butterfly. Once again, without any hesitation I swallowed it. The pills continued on, like a trail. Apparently it was a deliberate trail. I continued to follow them, eating each one as I picked them up. There were all kinds of colors and pictures on them, a rainbow of serotonin candy. I willingly followed the trail through the labyrinth. It led me down a few hallways, and eventually to a ladder. I climbed over the ladder. As I reached over the last few rings of the ladder, I could see a river on this level of the labyrinth.
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<br>
As I stood up the feeling of the evil presence grew more intense in my solar plexus. It was closer now. I continued following the trail of pills again. Then suddenly I heard a loud beeping sound. My alarm clock awakened me from slumber. I opened my eyes and slowly came to my senses. The first thing that came to mind was the beat that I had heard in my dream. In my dream I had heard the beat with perfect clarity, almost as if I had really heard it. The beat was burnt into my brain. I looked over at the alarm clock. It was three-thirty in the afternoon. Time to get ready for work. After my morning joint, I prepared my body for meditation with some yoga. Then I prepared my mind for mediation with my favorite Zen meditation...
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<br>
Be soft in your practice. Think of the method as a fine silvery stream, not a raging waterfall. Follow the stream, have faith in its course. It will go its own way, meandering here, trickling there. It will find the grooves, the cracks, and the crevices. Just follow it. Never let it out of your sight. It will take you.
<br>
-Sheng-yen
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<br>
Then after my morning meditation, I had some breakfast, a quick shower and was on my way to work.
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<br>
On the train I quickly became sleepy. The light rail train had that effect on me, it's ride was very smooth, quiet, and hypnotizing. I loved using city transit, because it gave me time everyday for some reading. But today I decided not to bring a book. I gazed out the window at the beautiful cityscape beneath the loving light of the sun. It was Saturday, my favorite day of the week. The train gracefully slowed into the next station. Then over the intercom came the sound of a few tones, then a recording blurted,
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<br>
'7th Avenue, this is a northwest bound train, destination Brentwood.'
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<br>
The doors slid open, and the people began to filter out. I made my way out the door. Then I began navigating through the city center, taking my time so I could look up at the beautiful glass glazed skyscrapers that reached higher and higher into the atmosphere. I reached the building where I worked, a classy restaurant on the first floor of a business skyscraper in the city center. I entered the lobby, security cameras where hanging in every corner. I walked by the hall of chrome elevators and entered the restaurant through the back. I changed into my white uniform, put on my chef's hat, and made my way to the line.
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<br>
All night, I was recalling the beat from my dream in my mind; I tried humming it over and over. The beat was still in my mind with perfect clarity, as if I was still hearing it at that very moment. The shift went swiftly, as it always did. I loved being a cook. My nights were filled with steaks, shrimp Hunan's, green curry, and a whole assortment of exotic and exquisite foods. Exquisite girls also filled my night. I would pass my free moments flirting, and talking with the beautiful servers. I worked the closing shift six nights a week. I loved the night shift, I guess because I sleep till late every afternoon everyday I can, and also because I had out grown, or should I say, evolved out of the bars. After my shift my best friend Duane was outside waiting for me.
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<br>
I hopped into his SUV and we made our way home to get ready for the Warehouse. It was 1:30 am, the Warehouse didn't open its doors till 3:00, and the party would just start getting good at about 5:00.
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<br>
When we got home I went straight for my weed. After I got my chronic fix I headed to the kitchen, I was hungry. We had just moved into our new house. It cost us everything we had just to get in the door, well with last and first month's rent. It also didn't help that cooks don't make much more than minimum wage. But it was my love of cooking that kept me in the industry. You have to love what you do. We didn't even have enough money to for groceries for the first two weeks.
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<br>
'Let's see what we've got,' I thought to myself. I opened the cupboards. All that was in there was a loaf of bread, and a jar of peanut butter. 'Peanut butter toast it is...' I mumbled. I grabbed a few slices of bread and placed them on our toaster. 'Ah, the irony of life, you're always there for me, sometimes you're the only one I know I can depend on.' I thought to myself and had to laugh for a minute.
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<br>
You see when we moved out of our apartment, the last toaster belonged to our other roommate who didn't move with us, and since we didn't even have money at the moment for food, we didn't have money for a toaster yet. So our toaster was a metal coat hanger bent in half and placed on the stove element, so it held the bread just over the element. I stood there with a smile on my face, watching my toast cook thinking about all the delicious foods I cook all night, night after night for the wealthy people. Ninety percent of the menu I hadn't even tried before, I couldn't afford the cost of these extravagant foods. So I get to wear my chef's uniform, and prepare foods like sushi, swordfish, salmon linguini, and chicken Hunan's, then after work I get to go home and make peanut butter toast on a coat hanger for myself. I smiled again, ate my toast and headed for the shower.
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<br>
After I showered it was time to get dressed for my weekly ritual. I pulled my vintage white shell toe Adidas low tops from the closet. This was my dancing pair. I also had a pair for everyday wear. I must be somewhere near my tenth pair of the same shoes in a row. Then I busted out my shoe shampoo, my dancing shoes had to be spotless. Next it was my white dancing pants. After that I threw on a black tight T-shirt, over that a black nylon skintight long sleeve shirt. My last layer was my huge baggy solid black hooded sweater. I loved wearing it, it felt like a Jedi cloak, or I liked to pretend it was anyway. Then my final article, my priceless, spotless, solid white baseball hat.
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My friend Mike entered the room, he was carrying a drink of some sort in one hand. He stumbled on something, and almost spilled his drink. A few small splashes flew into the air near me.
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<br>
'Hey! Hey!' I exclaimed. 'Watch the hoodie! This is a sacred garment!' I said jokingly. But I wasn't joking. 'Sorry bro' he replied. We both laughed and smiled at each other. Then he asked 'You ready to roll'? 'Yeah, just let me grab my gear and we'll go,' I answered. I grabbed my backpack, through my fire and glowsticking chains in, my flags, my white cotton liquid gloves, my digital camera, my video camera, and a towel. Mike and Duane were already waiting for me outside, I jumped in the SUV and we were on our way. I could feel some very positive and very powerful vibrations throughout my body. I turned to Mike and said;
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<br>
'It's going to be a great night, I can feel it.'
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After about a ten-minute drive we pulled into the parking lot of the club. Duane headed for our favorite parking spot, number twenty-three. It was the jersey number of our hero, Michael Jordan. The spot was still empty. 'Yes!' We both said.
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<br>
After we were parked we busted out our bag of mushrooms. Duane and I had picked up an ounce the day before. Duane and I absolutely loved our shrooms. We both ingest about three or four grams. Mike ate about one or two grams, then we headed into the Warehouse. There was a long line to get in. It looked like it was about an hour wait to get in. It was all good though, we're VIP. We walked to the VIP line and after a quick search by the doorman and paying our guest fee we were in.
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<br>
As I walked in the loving lasers and moving electronic beats hit me. It felt like the warm sun on my spirit. I headed over to a corner and started doing some stretching. Anthem was up on the decks and the music was still relatively slow, he was just warming it up. I found a corner in the back and started to warm up my body, dancing lightly, like I always did at the beginning of the night.
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<br>
I continued to dance lightly, but mostly I was waiting for my shrooms to hit me. After about forty-five minutes the high completely swarmed my mind, it was almost too much. Just the way I like it. Now I am extremely good at dancing, I wouldn't settle for anything less. I don't know why, but when my mind is tripped out, completely ripped, and I'm hallucinating to the point where I don't have any grip on reality, my dancing becomes out of this world, unbelievable. I don't know exactly why, but I guess it opens my mind, makes me think of things and ways I've never thought of. When I go raving, I get myself so high that I don't know what's real and what's not. I can't have a conversation with someone because I would be talking gibberish, and I have to avoid everyone. But the reason I do this is because after I stumble around and somehow find my way to the dance floor, my dancing goes intergalactic. I remember reading somewhere that the ancients used to call magic mushrooms, 'the flowers of the Gods'.
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Alan Watts believed that there was no difference between a microscope, which can sharpen your sight to see what you cannot in the outer world and between psychedelics, which sharpen your ability to look inward.
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I was ready now; my high was perfect, I could tell by my hallucinations. When I became extremely high on psychedelics my vision became digital-like. Instead of natural curves and shapes, everything took on unnatural, digital-like shapes. It was like a low-quality video clip on your computer. If my vision was compared to a computer monitor resolution, then when I was sober I would see with perfect clarity, my resolution would be 3200 x 2400, but when I was tripped out on LSD or mushrooms, my resolution was like 320 x 240. If you were standing in front of me your body was composed of about 30 pixels, or 30 large differently shaded squares. I loved it. I was half man, half-machine. Sometimes it scared me, it felt so good to be in this state, to become one with technology, but at the same time something inside told me it was wrong. But I couldn't stop; it felt too good, even if I did have doubts.
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After a little dancing, it was time for the guest DJ. A large older European man got behind the decks. I found a spot to stand and see what he had for a bit. I had not seen or heard him yet. Immediately he began to rock the house like I had never seen. I stood there for about a half an hour in awe as he played track after track, taking everyone high and higher. The vibrations and energy of everyone grew to a level I had never experience before. I saw DJ Anthem ten feet away from me. I ran over to him, his eyes were fixated up towards the DJ booth.
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'Who is this?' I asked.
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'Dolby' he replied.
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'He's unbelievable.' I said.
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Anthem acknowledged with a nod. I found a spot to sit down in amazement and appreciate the composition and energy of his set.
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The loud music pounded me in an absolutely unbelievable rhythmic and soothing synchronic manner. The speakers a few feet away from me continuously fired beat after beat at me. I could feel the vibrations from the powerful speakers rattle my insides. I sat alone, perched upon a stage next to the dance floor. I was slouched over staring down at the floor watching the little spots of light glide gracefully across the floor. They had been cast upon the floor by the light and laser machines suspended above me. The spots would all move in different directions from each other for a few moments, then they'd all start to move in the same direction in total unity. That was the part I liked. Unity is one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. I continued to sit there, deep in thought.
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Dolby was taking us to a new reality, a reality where only peace, love, unity, and respect existed. I began to feel at one with everyone. One by one, each person arrived onto the same wavelength. Until everyone was riding the same wavelength. The energy here in this world was so loving, so positive. Perfect synchrony. Dolby chased every last bit of chaos from the real world out of the Warehouse. Chaos was cast out. Chaos did not exist here, it couldn't exist in here.
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I sat quietly waiting for the right track to pick me up and place me on the dance floor. The Warehouse began to travel further and further away from the chaotic reality we lived in, until we had escaped the material world. We had broken free. I closed my eyes, and began to collect some energy. I inhaled through my nose, held for a second, and exhaled through my mouth. I continued the meditative breathing, imagining in my mind light colored positive energy entering as I inhaled, and negative dark colored energy leaving as I exhaled. With each breath I envisioned my energy growing larger and larger with each breath, like a giant cloud of energy all around my body, growing larger with each breath, until my energy cloud engulfed the entire Warehouse. I began to let go and surrender. The energy began to send a familiar feeling that pulsated throughout my body. It began in my head then moved out to the ends of my arms and legs. It felt like a cool tingling sensation that was running through my insides. As I collected a surplus of positive energy, my heart and my spirit began to throttle. Vibrating faster and stronger with each electronic pulse, my spirit began to pull my body to the floor, but not yet.
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<br>
Again and again, track after track, just when you thought there was no way it could get any better, no way it could get any more beautiful, anymore perfect, Dolby would blow your mind up and drop a track that you've never heard, a track somehow better than the last, just at the perfect moment. The Massive erupted in a fury of euphoric screams.
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The almost magnetic-like pull emanating from the floor grew stronger and more powerful with every revolutionary beat. Thump, thump, thump. Then all of a sudden it happened. Dolby flicked that switch and dropped the next track. My spirit went into total shock. I was paralyzed. The track was unbelievable, so revolutionary, and so perfectly timed, and so synchronous that I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It was the beat from my dream! I had not heard this track until now. I was completely scared yet my mind was on a level that I knew would change me for the rest of my life.
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It is time. I opened my eyes I found myself in the middle of the front stage, in front of Dolby and the DJ booth. Yet I could not remember standing up and walking here, it was almost as if I had just appeared there with no physical movement. I surrendered, my limbs and body began to release and pour out my unimaginable inspiration. I let go of my ego. This is not me, I am one with everything, the music, the earth, the people. I began living in the moment, no past, no future, only now. I could feel the energy of the other dancers, the music, and the Earth. I just allowed the energy to pass through me.
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Here it comes. The revolutionary music power pierced through the speakers and hit me, in that millisecond I transformed it into untainted pure rhythm. My moves were inhuman, out of this world. With cold machine-like precision my inspiration commanded everyone's eyes, everyone's energy, everyone's thoughts. They could not believe what they were seeing, it was changing them, changing the way they thought and lived. I could hear people start screaming and cheering for me in pure euphoria. I could not believe it. It began to ease everyone's hearts, they became paralyzed, their eyes fixated upon me. Their spirits began feeding and charging themselves from my inspiration. It became our inspiration. The beads of sweat ran down my face and chest. I was breathing heavily, trying to catch my breath. One by one, each dancer stopped, either by exhaustion, or pure bewilderment. Until everyone was stopped, watching me in amazement. I could feel each spirit, each individual soul. The energy passing through me was unfathomable. It felt like a waterfall of gushing pure, positive, loving energy was running though my veins. The moment lasted an eternity.
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Then it happened. I began to hear, and receive everyone's thoughts. I could hear two hundred different voices in my head. Everyone was pleading for me not to stop.
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'Keep going!' one voice whispered.
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'No, don't stop,' another voice asked.
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Next my dance came to its unimaginable meta-physical climax. The beat disappeared. Just the beautiful sound of the all-loving electronic siren soothing and easing our hearts. I turned around, and dropped to my knees. The sweat dripping from my body, my lungs desperately tried to catch my breath. I had become like a sun, the energy-giving center upon which everyone's destinies and lives revolved. I had become the vision on my youth. Men and women hung upon my inspiration, our inspiration, and reshaped their characters. From now on I would dance and lives would be changed.
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Something was different now. Something had happened. I felt like a leader of some sort. Like we were no longer individuals, but like we were one mean, lean, raving machine. We were all different parts of something bigger than us, bigger than this world, this reality, and at the center of it all was me, like a heart pumping pure loving energy to everyone. I looked at all the people, everyone looked back at me in complete awe, and I returned the same look of awe back. Nobody could believe let alone comprehend what had just happened.
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Yet now people looked at me differently, almost as if their look was saying that I was their leader now. I was reading their minds and each person acknowledged that I was their leader.
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We had all been awakened to a new reality, to a New World. I had showed them my light, our light. It felt like they looked to me as if I was some sort of light leading them from the darkness. Yet no words had past through our mouths. Not even a nod of a head. Yet I said it, and they heard it. I walked away, and pulled the hood of my Jedi cloak on again to shroud my face in shadows. I left my people in their and my new awakened state. I walked out the door. It felt like I was watching a movie now, not like I was in a movie anymore. I had never felt this refreshed, this much love, this kind of energy ever before in my life. It felt like I had just run through a rainforest. This one moment changed me forever.
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When I got outside I asked someone what time it was.
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'6:00AM they replied.
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I looked up at the sky, and there was the most beautiful sunrise that ever graced my skin. No sunrise had ever even compared to this one. The colors, the clouds, it couldn't be expressed in words. I saw three other ravers sitting on a ledge looking up to it. I walked over to them. One of them looked at me and just said,
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<br>
'I know' acknowledging the beauty of this sunrise. I jumped up on the ledge and sat in silence with them. As I looked over at the Warehouse one by one, almost everyone filed out of the Warehouse to see this sunrise. Everyone was running in to get his or her friends. It was so beautiful that you didn't want anyone to miss it. I ran in and got Duane and brought him out, we sat in the vehicle and just watched the sunrise in paralyzed by its beauty for about twenty minutes. Then we decided to go back in listen to rest of Dolby's set.
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<br>
On the way home I felt at total peace with the Earth. Every fear I had before was gone. It felt like that I knew that this world was going to be alright, that somehow the human race was going to pull together and unite. It felt like at that moment a revolution had started. It felt like, no I knew, I was the one who was going to lead this revolution. We were going to change the world, regenerate it, and this revolution began in that everlasting moment.
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<br>
'Whosoever knoweth the power of the dance, dwelleth in God.'
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- Rumi
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One night I was dancing exceptionally well. After awhile I became tired so I left the dance floor and sat down. A young man approached me, his pupils were dilated, and he was grinding his teeth a little. I was pretty sure he was on some Ecstasy. He held out his hand to shake mine. I stopped him;
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<br>
'No, like this bro,' I said. I made a fist and held it out. When he made a fist, I hit my fist against his. 'Knuckle up. That's how they do it out in East Van. Keep it simple.' I said. He smiled.
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'You're a fucking crazy dancer! You dance like the wind!' he exclaimed.
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'Thanks. You know that's funny you said that. My native name is 'Dances Like the Wind' ' I replied.
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'Really?' He said, looking very surprised.
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'No, I'm just playing, bro.' I said laughing. He laughed back and smiled.
<br>
'My name is Miles,' I said.
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'Oh I'm Jason,' he replied.
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'Nice to meet you bro. Sit down for a bit, I know there's something's you need to hear,' I said. He sat down on the stool next to me.
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'How do I learn how to dance? I want to learn so bad.' he asked.
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I thought to myself, 'when the student is ready, the teacher appears', then said 'I can tell you about the secrets I have learned if you'd like.'
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'Really? You'd do that?' He asked.
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'Of course, that's what I'm here for.' I replied.
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'First, let me tell you how I approach my dancing first.' I said.
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'Sure.' He replied, with an eager look on face.
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<br>
'A lot of people think that the reason I dance is to be the best, or look the best. They feel that my dancing is all about me. I can see it in their eyes. But it's not like that. My dancing is for you, for everybody else here.' I said. He continued to listen, looking very interested.
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<br>
'What I try to do everyday is to show people what is possible, I want to inspire people, to inspire them so much that they have no choice but to join in. Once they start dancing, I hope they will experience the freedom, the energy, and spirituality, I have found in the music and dancing. It is the most spiritual thing I have ever experienced, and I want to share that with every single person I can. My dancing is about liberating other people's spirits, so they transcend the material world and enter a more spiritual world. I try lead people away from the darkness. I hope I have inspired you somehow.'
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'You have!' He replied. 'I do, I do want to dance, but I'm too scared to go out on the dance floor, I'm afraid of how, I'll look.'
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<br>
'I remember when I first started raving, I was in the same position. I was too scared to go out, I was too worried that I'd look like an idiot. For the first three months of raving, I didn't even think about stepping on the dance floor. But then one night, I don't know how it happened, but I just found myself on the dance floor, and I was dancing! It was awesome. So what I tell everyone, who tells me that they don't feel comfortable about going on the dance floor is; to just keep coming out, keep coming to the raves and just sit and watch the other dancers, and listen to the music, and eventually one night you'll come out and out of nowhere you'll find yourself on the dance floor. You'll be dancing and you'll have no idea how it happened. It will just happen. Don't push it, just keep coming out, and when you're ready you'll find yourself doing it, not knowing how it happened.'
<br>
<br>
'Thanks, for the advice, really thanks,' he said. 'Anytime bro, that's what I'm here for.' I replied. 'Once you begin dancing, whenever that happens, remember don't push it, just start watching the other dancers, and how they move their bodies. That's how I learned my first few moves, was I copied them from other people. But try not to copy other people, you will get no respect that way, just try to use their moves as a guide to find your style.'
<br>
<br>
'My style?' he asked.
<br>
'Yeah, before I tell you about your style, I first have to explain to you what dancing is.' I replied.
<br>
'Okay' he said.
<br>
<br>
'Music is a power. One of the strongest powers on Earth, in fact it is so strong that in ancient times, the church controlled music, you were only allowed to make it for and in church. So now you know music is a power, I'll tell you how to utilize that power. What dancing is is the pure act of metamorphosis. The DJ is sending out this music power, and the instant that it hits you, you transform this music power as best as you can into physical power. As you get better and better at dancing, you become better at instantly transforming that music energy into a physical energy. Think of it like painting a picture. This relates to your style as I said earlier. If everyone were to paint a picture, no picture would be the same. We are all individual's and we would all have different expressions. Dancing is obviously a form of expression, a physical one. So after awhile of dancing, your dance will evolve into your own individual expression, you'll have your own style. Look at all these people dancing here, they all have their own individual styles, they are all expressing their present emotions in their own individual way.' I said. He looked at few of the dancers and looked back at me.
<br>
<br>
'I see what you're saying; it's all making sense to me. It all sounds so right. Where do you learn this stuff?' he asked.
<br>
'The Underground' I replied smiling. We sat there for a few moments. Then he asked,
<br>
'Did you do anything tonight? I mean did you do any drugs.'
<br>
'Yeah. I did some Acid.' I replied. I could tell this completely stunned him. He moved his body back in amazement.
<br>
'What? Acid?' He said.
<br>
'Well it's the only drug that still makes me a better dancer. I owe all my dancing to drugs.' I replied.
<br>
'How can you handle it, and keep yourself in public? I mean I've tried it a few times when I was younger, but I couldn't be public while on it.' He said.
<br>
<br>
'Well, first off, what most ravers today don't know, is that, Acid was all ravers did back in the day, there was no Ecstasy. Ecstasy only began to become very popular in the earlier nineties. I know what you're saying though about handling it. Ninety-nine percent of the population doesn't posses the ability to channel LSD positively, for ninety-nine out of one hundred people; they can only channel the LSD negatively, and have bad experiences. But what I tell people is that when you are able to channel LSD positively, the level it takes your mind to it is unbelievable. When I am dancing on Acid, I have control of every little muscle, every tendon, and every part of my body, parts I didn't even know I had. It's wild.
<br>
<br>
Sometimes when I do a spin, which is probably a quarter of a second, it will go in slow motion, and the spin will last for three seconds. Shrooms are good too, but they make me tired and don't give me any energy. LSD is such a powerful psychedelic that it is also like a super amphetamine.'
<br>
<br>
'Wow.' he replied, sitting there not knowing what to say.
<br>
'Don't get me wrong though, when I first started raving it was all Ecstasy. I ate it like it was going out of style. I owe all my whole dancing career to Ecstasy.' I said.
<br>
'What do you mean?' he asked.
<br>
<br>
'Well that's another key to dancing, well for me anyhow. Ecstasy opened the door for me. It showed me what was possible. In the beginning it gave me the courage and confidence to start dancing. I was very insecure before. But what Ecstasy does, is it removes all your fears. Your fear of looking stupid, your fear of saying something stupid. When that happens, all that is left is the real you. You aren't afraid of being yourself, of what other people think. You stop fronting or stop wearing a mask. But in my experiences, Ecstasy can only take you so far. My dancing got to a point where I was performing extraordinary moves that required all of my balance. Ecstasy impairs your balance, so it was holding me back at that point. So I experimented with shrooms and LSD, and I found that the Acid took me to levels I never thought were possible. But don't forget without the Ecstasy I would have never walked through that door.' I replied. He was hanging on to my every word. I could tell that he could of sat there all night and listened to me.
<br>
<br>
'I'll tell you what bro, keep coming out every weekend. I'll be here every weekend too, it's my weekly ritual, and when I think you are ready for the next secret, I'll share it with you. It would be too much for you to try to absorb everything in one sitting. I think you've got a lot to think about already, cause I'm going to get out there and do some dancing.'
<br>
<br>
'Sure. Thanks for sharing that with me, really thanks, it meant a lot.' he replied.
<br>
'Anytime bro, really. I mean it. But before I go, I want to do something.' I said.
<br>
'Okay,' he replied. I reached into my backpack and pulled out my spray bottle.
<br>
<br>
'Okay stand up,' I said. He stood up. 'Let me explain what I'm going to do to you. It was done to me when I first started raving, and I didn't understand it and it's significance for a few years.' I sprayed his forehead with water. 'It's like being baptized. Water represents life. I'm not trying to make fun of Christianity or anything. There's tremendous power in symbolism. This means that you belong to a tribe now.' I said, and smiled at him. I could tell he sort of understood me.
<br>
<br>
'Okay.' he said. I started to turn away and he held out his hand to shake my hand. I was just about to say something and he realized this and instead made a fist. I smiled and nodded my head and we hit fists. 'I'll talk to you later bro.' I said. 'Alright, Miles' he replied. He smiled and sat back down. I made my way to the dance floor to do another set.
<br>
<br>
<div style="text-align: center;">________________________________________________</div>
<br>
<br>
<br>
A few weeks later I was out at a rave, and again, I saw Jason. There he was out there going off like a veteran raver. It always makes me feel good to see that I was making a difference in someone's dancing. I watched him for a bit.
<br>
<br>
'Wow' I thought to myself. He's starting to get it. He really impressed me. He was really feeling the music. Yet another young Jedi in training. 'The force is strong with him,' I though to myself, and laughed. Then he saw me, and immediately he ran over. We talked for a bit. He seemed happy to see me again, and I was glad he was taking so good to raving. I hoped it was positively affecting his life.
<br>
<br>
Then we decided to go outside and burn some weed. I twisted up a nice fatty. While we were smoking it I said,
<br>
'I think your ready for some more secrets.'
<br>
'I'm ready! Come on Miles, tell me some more!' He exclaimed.
<br>
<br>
'Okay. The next few things are rather simple, and there really isn't anything that deep or special to them. Now you just simply have to apply discipline to your dancing. You need to train your body. Now, however much you chose to practice, and train, is up to you. There's nothing wrong with only practicing when you are out raving on the weekends. Raving isn't a competition. But I like to practice everyday, every morning, by practicing everyday, I won't only take my level of dancing up, but I'll take the level of everyone who watches me and dances with me up. So however much you decide to practice is entirely up to you, but the more you practice, the faster your dance will evolve.' I said. He continued to sit there listening. 'Now I'm the kind of person, where I have to be the best at everything I do, if I'm not, then I will practice until I am. But that's just me, I don't think it's very natural though, because I use to practice so much, that I would lose toenails. My toenails would turn blue and fall off. I've lost about ten of them in my life. I've also had two stress fractures, in my metatarsals in my left foot. So I was a little extreme. I'm not expecting this from you, or from anybody for that matter, it's just a work ethic I've developed from my basketball playing days, and from growing up watching and listening to my hero Michael Jordan all my life.'
<br>
<br>
'But how do I know what to do when I practice?' He asked.
<br>
'Well what I did was study video of the best. The one person I'd say I've studied the most in my life would have to be Michael Jackson. I downloaded as many video clips as I could find of Michael Jackson on the Internet, and I would watch his clips over and over and over, for months on end. When I saw a move I would watch it over and over and over, then go and practice and practice and practice, till I could do it. But whom you watch obviously depends on what styles of dancing you're trying to learn. Like I still watch video clips of the masters everyday, I watch all styles; Freestyles, Breakdancing, Popping and Locking, Liquid, Flagging, Glowsticking, and Fire Dancing. Remember the body cannot do what it cannot visualize first.' I said.
<br>
<br>
'Visualize?' He asked.
<br>
<br>
'Yes, that is the other technique I was going to share with you today. Visualization is a technique used by athletes at the top of their sports. Like Olympic powerlifters, or NBA basketball players. You see everything in this world is created twice, the first creation is mentally, and then the second comes the physical creation. You have to visualize your moves in your mind first, see yourself doing it in your mind. Sometimes when I couldn't perform a move I had been trying to do for months, I would sit down, close my eyes and for about five or ten minutes just try to picture myself doing it in my mind. Then I would get up and try it, and a lot of time it would happen. But if it doesn't work, don't get discouraged, I've had some moves take up three months before I actually pulled it off. In fact two moves of the moves I'm currently working on I have been visualizing and practicing for over two years already but I still haven't actually pulled them off yet.' I said. 'Remember the body cannot do what the mind cannot visualize first.' He sat there nodding his head; I could tell by the way he was half squinting his eyes that he was thinking about everything I had just told him. I continued on, 'I don't think anybody has said it better than Morpheus in the movie the Matrix; you're better (faster) than this, don't think you are, know you are.' I said. We both smiled. 'You have to let it all go, fear, doubt, and disbelief ... free your mind.' I said again, obviously quoting Morpheus again. I continued on jokingly, 'But that's what we've got those red pills for right? So did you take the red or the blue pill?' I asked him, smiling. 'The red one. ' He said, laughing back. Then he promptly asked, 'What about you Miles, did you take the red pill?' 'Actually I took two of them.' I said, followed by a big smile, we both had a good laugh. We continued to talk for bit more about some other stuff. Then we went and danced. At the end of the night I told him when he's ready, I'd teach him some more.
<br>
<br>
<div style="text-align: center;">________________________________________________</div>
<br>
<br>
<br>
Over the next four or five weekends I ran into Jason a few times, and we would talk, and I would show him some of my moves, and different styles. I let him try my flags, and my glowsticking chains, to see how he handled them. I also tried showing him some liquid, and taught him a few breakdancing moves. Then one night I felt he was ready to learn the last few secrets I knew, and had experienced myself.
<br>
<br>
'Alright young Jedi, I think you're ready for some more.' I said, with a smile on my face.
<br>
'I'm listening, Miles' Jason replied.
<br>
'One of the secrets I have today is just simply one word.' I said.
<br>
'One word?' He asked.
<br>
<br>
'Yeah. Surrender. That one simple word made a world of difference in my level of dancing. Before I used to try to dance, or try to dance better, and I would try harder and harder. But the harder I tried the more difficult it became. I was trying to force my dancing. It won't work like that. You have to surrender to the music, you have to surrender to your dancing, surrender to the energy. You have to live in the moment. It's almost as if you stop dancing, and instead you are sitting on the side, just watching yourself dance. You become detached from the dance yet engaged in the dance.' I replied. Then I asked, 'Do you grasp what I am saying?' 'Well, sort of.' He replied.
<br>
<br>
'Don't worry if you don't understand it yet, you will. With practice you will come to understand my teachings.' He sat there I could tell his mind was slowly, yet surely metabolizing the insights I was feeding him. 'There was this one quote that I came across on the Internet one day, and I liked it. I felt it encompassed a lot of what we live in one sentence. It was; 'Music is our scripture, dance is our practice, once united, we can't be divided, feel the bass. PLUR'. Now there was one final insight that I wanted to share with you tonight. The level of mastery that you covet so much cannot be reached until you let go of your ego. You have to get your ego out of it. You have to realize that it isn't you performing the moves. It isn't about being the best, or looking the best. Your ego will only hold you back. You have to just allow the energy to pass through you. You have to almost say 'this isn't me, I'm just allowing the energy to pass through me'. When you discard your ego, anything will be possible. Now I have nothing more to teach you. Your vision is a promise of what one day you will be. The strength of your efforts will be the measure of your results. You will become the vision of your youth one-day Jason. Go, and dance, because if you didn't come here to dance, then what the fuck did you come here for?!'
<br>
<br>
Definition of a shaman: The ability to readily slip out of the perceptual boundaries that demarcate his or her particular culture- boundaries reinforced by social customs, taboos, and most importantly, the common speech or language- in order to make contact with and learn from, the other powers in the land. His magic is precisely his heightened receptivity to the meaningful solicitations- songs, cries, gestures- of the larger, more-than-human field.
<br>
- David Abram
<br>
<br>
I sat there and I couldn't help but watch the young man on the other side of the room. I saw myself at one point of time in him. He was really high. He was lying back, he was grinding his teeth and his eyes were fluttering. Duane was at my side.
<br>
<br>
'Look at that kid, he's lost. Look how high he is.' Duane said.
<br>
'You were once him yourself Duane. Remember?' I replied.
<br>
'I was never that bad.' He said defensively.
<br>
'Of course you were, we both were at one time. But it's a necessary stage.' I said.
<br>
'What do you mean?' Duane asked.
<br>
'It's the only way we can reach him.' I replied.
<br>
'What do you mean reach him?' Duane asked.
<br>
<br>
'The same way I got through to you. You were once lost, just as he is, and so was I at one time.' I said, then I continued. 'Our raving is the most spiritual thing in our lives right. You know how we call the Warehouse our church right? It's our weekly ritual. We couldn't possibly think of living without raving right? The music and the dancing have raised our state of consciousness. It was here that we found ourselves. It was here that we found peace, love, unity, and respect. It was here that we found our people, our tribe. Before you met me, before I found the Warehouse, or should I say the Warehouse found me. I was a little punk thug drug dealer. All I did was drink, have sex and sell and do drugs. You told me that before the Warehouse all you did was steal, that you were a professional thief with your gang, and you stole to get drugs. Well I sold drugs to get my drugs. Today's youth doesn't listen to their elders. All kids want to do is do drugs. Drugs plague our generation. But don't you see that's one of the whole keys to it all, bro.' I said.
<br>
<br>
'What key?' he asked.
<br>
'What's the only thing today's youth want to do?' I asked him.
<br>
'Like you said, drugs, and sex.' he replied.
<br>
<br>
'Yes, and everyone is trying to talk, to counsel, to guide these kids. They are our future. But they don't listen. Every year, it just gets worse and worse. Many have given up hope. They feel it's too late.' I said, then continued. 'But that's the trick, that's how they reached me, and that's how I reached you. Was through the drugs. We give them this Ecstasy, and we say 'Here take this! It feels great doesn't it? Want some more? Of course you do, here!' It's the only way we can reach them, through their drugs. So then they start coming out every weekend to get high, and they love it. But while they are here, while they are high, we show them what it's all about. PEACE,LOVE,UNITY,RESPECT. We show them the power of music. We show them the power of dance. We bring them into our world. We change them. Then when they are ready, after they start seeing that, we walk over and tell them something.' I said.
<br>
<br>
'What do we tell them?' Duane asked.
<br>
'The same thing that was told to me, and the same thing that I told you. That they are coming for the wrong reasons. They are coming for the drugs, when they should be coming for the music, and dancing, for the unity. When you tell them that, they realize it. They think, 'I am coming for the wrong reasons'. But at that point the power of the music and dance, the power of the unity has affected them so deeply that they start coming for the right reasons. But do you think if we tried to reach that kid normally, tried to teach him about spirituality, that he would of listened? You think we would have had any opportunity to change him with out the drugs? You think I could walk up to a group of high school kids on the street and try to teach them anything about spirituality? They'd all laugh at me. But one day that kid over there is going to be coming for the right reasons, sure he still might get high when he comes, but that won't be the main reason he comes. He'll be coming for the music, and the dancing, and the unity. One day he'll be a true raver.'
<br>
<br>
'I see what you're saying.' He replied.
<br>
'But my theory goes deeper than that.' I said.
<br>
'Go on' He said.
<br>
<br>
'I believe the reason that our parents generation can't reach their children is because their religions have become obsolete. The religions have been rendered obsolete by the invention of the computer. Religion is a tool, used to bring you closer to God, to involve spirituality in your life. But just as any tool, it eventually becomes obsolete. I mean, what's the dominant religion here in North America?' I asked.
<br>
<br>
'I'd have to say Christianity.' Duane replied.
<br>
'That's right, but it's not working anymore. Well, it still works, but not like it did for our parent's generation, or for the generations before them. I know maybe two or three people of all of my friends, and I have thousands of friends, that actually followed their parents, and are some form of Christian and go to church every Sunday. My family dragged me to church many times, but I never felt a fraction of the spirituality there that I feel here. I have never felt as close to God, as close to other people as I do here. I mean it did wondrous things the last two thousand years. But look at the last thirty years. Technology has emerged out of nowhere, in the blink of an eye. It has changed the entire world. The Internet and computers have changed everything. There isn't a thing you do that doesn't involve computers and technology somehow. The television you watch is digital, the car you drive has a computer in it, the phones you use are digital, the music you listen is altered through electricity, everything involves technology now. The Internet has created a global village. And I think that is why these older religions have stopped working.' 'What do you mean?' Duane asked.
<br>
<br>
'I believe they don't work because technology isn't involved in the religion, and that because technology influences us so much everyday and we are so close to our technology that it now has to be involved in our spirituality, or it won't work. Now let me ask you something, it will probably be something that you've never thought of before. Do you think technology has a spirit? Like do you think your computer, or your TV, or your Playstation has a spirit?'
<br>
<br>
'Of course not.' He said.
<br>
'Why not?' I asked.
<br>
'Because it isn't alive.' He replied.
<br>
<br>
'Your computer has the same electricity running through it, that runs through your nervous system. And technology is something we created, Humans have been given a God-like power, the power of creativity. I believe that anything we create is natural.' I said.
<br>
'Yeah but a computer isn't alive.' He said.
<br>
<br>
'Ancient cultures all over the world have always believed that plants, and animals also have spirits, like us. Why not your computer?' I asked.
<br>
'You're crazy.' He said.
<br>
'What do call that guy up there, behind the turntables, playing the music?' I asked.
<br>
'A DJ.' He replied.
<br>
'Do you know what he really is?' I asked.
<br>
'What?' Duane asked.
<br>
<br>
'He's a shaman. He's a techno-shaman. He's using the electronic music to invoke certain states of mind, or certain states of being that transcend reality. He's no different than the ancient shamans of Africa, or the ancient shamans of Native Americans. Except he uses technology. What all those politicians who condemn, and try to shut down raves, all those journalists who write negative things about raves, all those parents who think raves are wrong don't realize is that raving is a part of being human. The need to rave in engrained in our spirits. It's as natural as the need to have sex, to eat, to sleep. They don't realize that people have been raving since the dawn of human existence.' I said.
<br>
<br>
'What do you mean? Raves have just recently started.' He said.
<br>
'No Duane, we've been raving since the dawn of music. What is the whole point of raving, what do we come here every weekend for?' I asked.
<br>
'To raise our state of consciousness through the power of music and dance, right?' He said.
<br>
<br>
'Right. What do you think a Pow-wow is? Native Americans have been raving for thousands upon thousands of years. They beat their drum, and sing and chant. They dance in a circle, with their tribe. There're using the power of music and dance to raise their state of consciousness. What do you think an African tribe that is dancing around a fire, chanting, beating drums, wearing ceremonial masks is doing? They are raving, and the have been for thousands of years. They used the same tool we use today, the drum, only our drum is digital. The only thing different about our raves is we are armed with lasers, and electronic music, instead of feathers and animal skin drums. Do you see? It's a part of being human. Do you remember the first time I made you take off your shirt and dance? How you didn't want to, but when you finally did, It felt so natural, so good? I remember the first time I took off my shirt.
<br>
<br>
I was raving for almost a year, and everyone would always tell me to take of my shirt, and I never did. Then one day I finally did. I'll never forget it. It felt so right, so natural, I felt like I was part of an ancient African tribe, and I was dancing around a fire. I'll never forget that, and now I'll never rave without some point in the night where I rip my shirt off.' I said. I paused for a second to catch my breath. 'You see that's what we've lost in today's world. We've lost our sense of being a tribe. When you walk down a street at night, and walk by someone you don't know, you don't know what this person might do, you ready yourself just in case he might try to rob you or something. You don't trust him. There's fear, and doubt. It never used to be like that.
<br>
<br>
We use to be a tribe, that person use to be your brother, or your sister. You use to love and care about that person. That's what's so great about electronic music. It's universal; it isn't influenced by one culture or one part of the world. It's made all over the world, influenced by every culture. It's universal. The same vinyl being spun here can be spun in Japan. Our tribe is coming back together. Technology is going to bring us all back together, it's what's going to save us, not destroy us.' I said.
<br>
<br>
'I hope you're right, I really do. About our technology saving us, not destroying us, I mean.' He said.
<br>
<br>
'Now this is going to sound a little radical, and you might not agree with it, but I'm going to tell you how I feel about technology. The majority of the world, particularly the religious, is scared of technology. It scares a lot of people. But I'm not scared. They feel it would be wrong to start altering or adding computers to the human body. But I don't see it as wrong. I believe that we should eventually be half man, half machine. I think we should embrace technology. Not to become all-artificial. But find the equilibrium. The perfect balance between man and machine, to create something better than humans. You see I don't see anything wrong with technology because it something we created and like I said earlier; I think as long as we created it, it is natural. Don't you feel something, like when you are raving, haven't you felt something else? I can feel the techno-spirits; I'll call them that, for lack of a better word. Don't you?' I asked.
<br>
<br>
'I feel something, but I don't know what it is.' He replied.
<br>
'I believe that in ancient times, humans accomplished everything through spirituality. There are monoliths created by man around the world with giant stones, weighing sixty thousand tons, and these sacred sights were built before the invention of the wheel! I believe that with spirituality, humans once accomplished anything they could dream of. But one day we questioned it. That one-day we questioned it, was the day we lost it. That was its power, that we didn't have any doubts, we didn't have any disbelief, just pure faith. Adam and Eve took a fruit from the forbidden tree of knowledge. That was the moment we lost our power, because that was its power. That we had no doubt, no disbelief, only faith. I also believe that one day when science comes to it's pinnacle, all that it's going to figure out, is that we had the perfect technology to begin with, in the beginning we had the only sustainable, and everlasting technology. Our forests, our animals, nature it self is the perfect technology. Many believe we are coming the end of the cycle, we are entering a spiritual age.'
<br>
<br>
'How much Acid did you do tonight?' Duane asked.
<br>
'Only one hit, okay, well maybe two.' I said, already smiling. Then we both had to laugh.
<br>
'I love you Miles. You mean so much to me. You know that? Don't ever leave me bro.' Duane said with the utmost sincerity.
<br>
'I love you too, bro. I promise I'll never leave your side. Besides you're my first mate, and I'm your captain, I need you at my side. You know I think we've been friends for eternity, in the life before this, in the life after, in every life, I believe we have always been best bro's. Now you ready to go change some lives? You ready to change some thought patterns? You ready to guide the youth? Look at them out there, they're lost. They're our sheep; we must tend to our flock. Let's show them our light. Let's get out on that dance floor, and show them what it's all about.'<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2002</td><td width="90">ExpID: 18952</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Jul 14, 2005</td><td>Views: 47,091</td></tr>
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<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Mushrooms (39), MDMA (3), Guiding (184) : Rave / Dance Event (18), Guides / Sitters (39), Combinations (3), Mystical Experiences (9), Glowing Experiences (4), Retrospective / Summary (11)</td></tr>
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<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
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<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
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<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">125 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
First, let me just say that last night, salvia took me on a ride unlike anything else I've ever experienced. I would say that I am fairly/moderately experienced with psychoactive drugs, having tripped out on many occasions, and I had done my fair share of reading up on this magical plant. But none of that experience prepared me for what magical salvia had in store.
<br>
<br>
I had tried salvia several times beforehand without breaking through past the 'subtle' or 'altered' states of Daniel Siebert's S-A-L-V-I-A scale (although a couple of those would make interesting experience reports by themselves), and I had an extra hit of LSD I had obtained from a psytrance party a while ago. Seeing as how the LSD supply was running quite low at the time, I had made up my mind to use this one last hit (at least for a while) to its greatest advantage. And since the only other combination I had tried with LSD was smoking some cannabis, I was more than willing to try out its synergistic effects when put in combination with salvia.
<br>
<br>
For a while before all this, I had been feeling pretty loaded down, what with school and all, maybe on the verge of depression… actually, more like confusion - confusion with who I am, what I'm doing, where I am going, where my talents and interests lie, how I'm connecting with the rest of the world, fear that the world going completely mad, etc etc etc… Normally anybody would say that that is not exactly the most optimal condition to be meddling around with hallucinogens, but I felt as if the green goddess had something to say to me that I had been missing on my earlier attempts at communicating with her.
<br>
<br>
And so at 5:45 I dropped the acid. I was used to doing at least two hits at a time, so I felt that I was re-entering familiar territory, and I was quite comfortable with myself. I meditated some, listened to some music, waiting for the peak to come. About two hours later, I jotted down some notes: 'definitely feeling real connection w/ the godhead/oneness - all is one.' A feeling came over me of deep connection with the oneness and primeness of the world, and the direction that my life was headed towards, I had to change. I mentioned to my roommate that I would try to smoke some salvia, and since he wanted to see me when I did, I waited another half hour for him to finish up his work-out. In the meantime, I packed my glass pipe about halfway full with the remainder of my dried salvia leaves and played around with Photoshop till he came back.
<br>
<br>
So 2.5 hours into the trip, I readied myself and sat down on the floor to smoke. I blew my first try by accidentally exhaling pretty deeply through the pipe, blowing little specks of salvia everywhere - confusion of confusions! I packed the bowl again, and took my first hit, long and slow. I held it in for as long as I could, and as soon as I exhaled, the trip definitely got at lot more intense. Just as I was about to go for the second hit, I saw a huge moving wall with all sorts of crawling vibrant Mayan glyphs morphing into each other, and I was zooming right along it, like I was in a big courtyard of some kind in a huge palace in the middle of the jungle. I shook my head out and went for the second hit…
<br>
<br>
And as soon as I exhaled, BOOM! I felt as if I was being pulled backwards through a tunnel, into and becoming a part of the drawer I was leaning on, but not. I felt the 'reality' in which I had been living, with all its certainties and ingrained habits and daily minutiae, become stretched into a two-dimensional membrane…either that or I was propelled into another one - either way, the end result was the same - I slipped out of this reality, and somehow rolled over into a new one, seeing myself inhabiting a different me in a different 'reality'. Its excruciatingly hard to explain. At this point, the notes I was taking became quite irrelevant, being as they were stuck in the old 3-dimensional view of the world. After a while, I rolled back over, wallah - visual perspective shifts, and I'm in a new realm. If felt like I was lost inside a never-ending MC Escher print. Except I wasn't just one of the people in it. Parts of me would merge with random objects in the room, and there would be a smooth transition from it to the rest of my body. Weird. At some point, I climbed up onto my bed (I am on the top bunk of a rather tall bunk bed… once again not the greatest of ideas, but oh well… :) ) The process of trading inhabitancies went on and on and on.
<br>
<br>
This whole time, I felt as if I were in danger of vacating my body for good and moving on to what some would call 'the afterlife,' but somehow there was tiny portion of myself that reminded me of the responsibilities and all that I had back in the 'normal' life, and so I clung onto this whirling merry-go-round of shifting realities for a bit longer. There was definitely and element of fear attached. I distinctly heard a voice from outside of myself say to me internally that I really had no reason to want to go on anyway, and that she was showing me all these realities in order to prove to me that anything I wanted was within my grasp. I just had to stand up and all-out go for it, and not be washed away in all the surface details that I saw floating on top of the water of reality. Thus was my first meeting with the herbaceous spirit within saliva, the green goddess.
<br>
<br>
I will have to check with my roommate when he wakes up what this all looked like from the outside, but I recall somehow managing to a) climb up my bed, b) be in the bathroom, and c) be back up my bed. I asked him after I had come down most of the way back to LSD level what he saw, and he said that he didn't even notice me getting down, going to the bathroom, and coming back, so that made me wonder if I had suddenly rolled into an existence of me in the bathroom, and then rolled back to my room… but then I vaguely remember some kind of journey there, in a sort of jerky fast-motion action, as if were stuck in an old Lumiere film. All this attests to the fact that you really do need a sitter when doing this stuff.
<br>
<br>
So after what seemed like an eternity, I gradually felt things becoming more and more concrete - it was getting harder and harder to switch realities, the acceleration was slowing down some - bits and pieces of my grounded self started coming back to me. I could visualize a big patchwork quilt made of the different 'me's', the different possibilities of what I could be that I was travelling through, and this quilt becoming thinner and thinner, the pattern more scrunched up as I was gradually brought back to just one. Actually, I was scrambling to find some sort of semblance to attachment one, any one of my existences, only to make this crazy thing stop, and eventually, I was able to catch the very last one and hold on. Had I not been able to, I felt as if I would have just floated in The Void for a very, very long time…
<br>
<br>
I found myself suddenly being brought back up through another tunnel, and finding that I was once again more or less in control of my body. By that time, about 5 hours had passed since I first dropped, judging by the clock. But even that much calculation took a tremendous effort. I tried to explain the experience to my roommate, but it was damn near impossible. So he just played some music for me before he had to run off for a bus to the anti-war protest in DC. As I rounded the corner to the 'sensual' stage of the LSD trip (the second 6-hour section), I suddenly found myself with the urge to go outside and curl up next to a tree, but being as I am in the middle of the city, and given the state I was in, I decided it would be best for me to stay inside. I was feeling pretty tired physically and mentalo-emotionally, so I crawled back to up to bed and tried to figure out what it all meant.
<br>
<br>
That was by far the highest I have ever gone. What Terence McKenna said about the experience being worth nothing without taking 'heroic doses' suddenly makes so much more sense. All in all, I know reached at least the 'immaterial' level of salvia, and possibly even the border between it and the 'amnesic' level, although if that happened I wouldn't be able to remember it. I will have to talk to my roommate to verify all this. This experience was perhaps one of the most terrifying things I've ever done, being as it was such an existential confrontation with The Void and infinity, but altogether I believe the lessons I brought back from the experience have made it all worth the while. It has given me a new outlook on life. And as corny as that sounds, I now feel totally invigorated, ready to take on life because it has lost so much of the heavy-handed relevance I was giving it beforehand. I've read some things about how salvia has helped out in cases of depression, and I think it is totally true. Or maybe that's just the afterglow speaking. We'll see. In the terms of my trip, I guess I exchanged one instance of 'me' for another one, seeing as how I just barely managed to ride it back out.
<br>
<br>
As for the trip itself, I don't think I will be doing the LSD-salvia combination again for a good long time, but I will definitely be giving the salvia goddess plenty of calls in the near imaginable future.
<br>
<br>
Thank you, salvia.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2002</td><td width="90">ExpID: 18445</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Aug 3, 2005</td><td>Views: 33,443</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=18445&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=18445&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">Salvia divinorum (44), LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Entities / Beings (37), Mystical Experiences (9)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(pill / tablet)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">76 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
This is an experience I have never wrote about before, but it’s something I think about a lot, because of the strangeness of the experience, and of how it changed me as a person, and about the connection between mind and body.
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<br>
Around ten years ago when I was in my late teens early twenties I was some what of a rebel and thug, and a destructive person, I got into all sorts of criminal activities, such as gang fighting, drugs, illegal raves, etc. In that time I experimented with just about every drug known; one of them was LSD.
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<br>
I had been told before I had ever taken any form of hallucinogenic that LSD was not something to be taken likely, as its the world’s most powerful drug, and can be devastating to someone if a bad trip occurs, or the user is not mentally strong, me being a stupid naive young person did not listen, and thought that I could deal with it, and cope with what ever my mind had to deal with, or what ever experiences it could throw at me… Oh, how wrong I was… And what I did not know at the time was that it was going to change my way of thinking for good.
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<br>
Some of my friends were into spirituality of all kinds, I believed in the paranormal, but never thought much about the spiritual side of it, but my friends would always be blabbing on about metaphysics, parallel dimensions, and time travel, god, and the soul, and stuff like that; anyway, one night I was doing my normal drinking of cider, and smoking cannabis. I was used to my friends acting strange as they had been experimenting with LSD over the last few weeks, some of them even longer, I was curious about it as my friends had told me about the strangeness of it, and how it had changed there way of thinking for the ‘better’ (in some cases it was for the worse) and that it has opened up some part of the subconscious that they never knew existed. Most of my friends were over intelligent university students that came from upper class families, and I was like the odd one out that came from a lower class family, I was like the novelty poor person of the group, being I was not from a rich family and did not have a great education like they had, and was unemployed, and going nowhere fast. You would have thought it would have been me tempting them to do drugs, but it was they who were pressuring me.
<br>
<br>
I was cautious at first, even though I had heard the horror stories before, of what can go wrong, and had even seen someone a few weeks before have a bad trip, which in a way made me scared, but at the same time made me even more curious about this mysterious little pill, as the people taking the drug seemed so convinced that they could actually see into some other reality, or even dimension; they were so convinced of it that I started to convince my self I would be able to handle it so that I could see first hand what they were talking about, and that it was the ‘cool’ thing to do. Also if I took it, I would at least be accepted into the group more, as someone that knew about these secret spiritual things like they claimed to know, and would be able to join in more with there in-depth conversations about god, and time, and spirituality. So I asked one of them to get me one, for which they cheered me on. One of the biggest mistakes I made, was getting a blue micro dot, the most powerful form of LSD around at the time.
<br>
<br>
Anyway, I took the pill with a litre of cider (another mistake) being cider is full of acid. We were in a student’s bed sit, he had no electricity, so we were sitting in candle light, anyway fifteen minutes past nothing, thirty minutes past nothing, forty-five minutes past and I began to feel a little odd, I looked at the walls and watched the shadows moving around on the walls from the candles, and thought they looked odd, but I still felt happy and comfortable. Then after about a hour after taking the micro dot, I started to notice one of my friends sitting in the chair, and he looked at me in a sinister way, and said something along the lines of, ‘Are you in the twilight zone yet?’ and as he said it the room felt like it was melting, and it felt like I could feel the sounds in the room on my skin as warmth. I was still thinking with a straight mind at this time, although I was hallucinating, I was still in a normal state of thinking. I remember telling my friends that I can handle this, it’s bizarre, but I could handle it (or so I thought).
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<br>
I remember my friends talking about some of the strange things that happen in a LSD trip, such as it’s impossible to tell the time, or to judge distance, as it’s like time and distance do not exist, which was a discussion when they were talking about hallucinogenic drugs and spirituality, and how shamans use hallucinogenic drugs to communicate with the spirit world. I remember thinking, ‘Of course you can tell the time and judge distance, I’ll just look at my watch, and you’ll be able to see it.’ So I looked at my watch and bizarrely there were abut twenty hands on the dial, so I could not read it; I looked at my friend’s digital watch and the digits were 88:88 like it had been reset, I asked him what the time was, and he said it’s *&amp;% (a clock I heard him talk, but when it come to the point that he said the actual time, I could not hear him, others tried to tell me, but the same thing happened, there voices went silent at the point they said the time. I think this is the point I became freaked out and started to worry, and decided to try and walk out side.
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<br>
When I got up and waked from the room and stood in the hall, the atmosphere changed from comfortable to dark and oppressive, the shadows now seemed to turn into creatures on the walls, I heard them growling and whispering about me, then I looked down to the floor boards I was standing on, and they started to fall away beneath me, and under it was flames and fire, the next thing I remember was someone saying, ‘For God’s sake, help him,’ because apparently I had started pulling my hair out in clumps (something I do not recall) as I just did not understand what was going on. One of my friends then got up and took me downstairs, and outside, he tried to put his arm around me, but I thought it was a snake, so I just freaked out more. Anyway, after some convincing he got me outside.
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<br>
As soon as I went outside the atmosphere changed again, but it was less threatening, everything seemed sparkly to look at. Although I was scared, still it was not half as bad as what I had just experienced in the bed sit. My friends followed behind, and they decided it would be best for me not to be in that candle lit bed sit again, as it was that that seemed to be causing me to have bad visions, after some time one of my friends Colin that was training to become a psychologist, started talking to me, and was starting to calm me down. When then I turned and looked down an alley way that was dark, and saw two dark figures huddled together talking and whispering. I thought they were demons and were plotting against me, and then something really odd happened; the shadows I saw on the walls as creatures in the bed sit were now surrounding me and growling at me, they kind of reminded me of the demons in the movie <i>Ghost</i>.
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<br>
After starting to panic, my friend Colin told me to think of God, and as he said that a white illuminated mist started coming up from my feet, and I could feel it touching my face and skin, then I looked back at the alley where the demons were, and they were gone, I then looked up and saw a silver sparkling stairway. It looked like a stairway to heaven; my instinct was to try and walk up it, as by this time I was completely delusional. And away with the fairies, my friends started laughing at me because I was stomping on the grass thinking I was walking up steps, and my legs were giving way because I thought I was going higher up the steps, and thought I was no longer standing on the grass.
<br>
<br>
After some time I was told to forget what I could see, and he then told me some stuff that I can’t remember now, but it was something he had used in his psychology class about the yin and yang, and about that I should accept that light and darkness were equal, and that there was nothing I could do about it and that I should face my fears, and that my subconscious mind should find a way of accepting this. As he said this, I felt a sense of peace I had never felt before, both the demons, shadows and the stairway vanished, but had all morphed into one, and were now blended into everything I saw around me. The trees were swirling and sparkling with all the colours of the spectrum, the clouds and moon were spinning with vivid pretty colours, like a psychedelic video, this was pretty much how things would be through out the rest of the night. I never saw any other hallucinations, other than the swirling colours that seemed to radiate from everything, and they seemed to connect everything together, and I somehow saw and realised that everything was living and alive, and was one. It was as if my thoughts were solid and had mass, and that they connected to my environment. I could again feel sounds physically, and the environment in some odd way was something a part of me, I felt so connected to the ones around me, and felt love for them, even the ones I normally did not like. Things seemed more realistic to me then than they did before; I had never felt so alive than in comparison to what I felt before.
<br>
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Normal reality seemed less real; I think unless you have experienced it you won’t know what I mean.
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Another odd thing was something moving like a leaf floating down from a tree, made a sound like twinkling, when normally a leaf would make no sound, and when people turned there heads, I heard a whooshing noise.
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<br>
One of the only things I did not like in this new found peace, was the frustration I had when I would get these huge bursts of thought to come to me, that made me think, ‘I understood the universe and everything in it.’ I had it on the tip of my tongue, and I told those around me that I knew the answer to life, and everything-ness, and they would say to me, ‘OK Barry, tell us what is the meaning to the universe,’ And I just could not spit it out, I could not get the words out of my mouth, no matter how hard I tried, but I swear blind some how I knew it, and it was the most frustrating thing I have ever felt to this day. It was like one side of me understood the secrets of the universe, but the other side could not comprehend it.
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<br>
Anyway after a while, about ten hours in all, I came down, and started coming back to reality, and over a day or two got back to normal completely. But my ways of thinking had changed dramatically, I got a job, I stopped fighting, I stop taking drugs, I became a better person, and started learning everything I could about the after life and spirituality. I became a pacifist, and an animal lover, I became a hippie and later a pagan. The experience was terrifying yet awe inspiring, but I would never do it again as some of the people I did it with today have mental problems, so it’s not all good.
<br>
<br>
My reason for posting this is because I had a dream about this last night after talking to my girlfriend about it, and it has brought back some memories of it, and has made me wonder again is LSD something that just causes the brain to hallucinate, or is it something that actually opens up apart of the consciousness that is able to see into other dimensions or realties? Was I just seeing a bunch of crap that my mind and surroundings caused me to experience? Or does it open up a door in our own mind, that allows us to see a perception of things more complex, and of a higher understanding that what our normal waking brains experience? I do not know the answer to this, but it has sure changed me and made me think more about things I would not normally have done before hand.
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<br>
I believe shamans and tribal people use hallucinogens because (to them) it opens the door to the other worlds, in where they can see, and communicate with beings or things in that world, and that they connect with it both physically and mentally. It’s like we are interconnected with all things, and beings that are all around us, all the time, whether they be physical things or spiritual things. The spiritual are a reality in their mind state, just as the physical is a reality in our mind state, and are all in a sense morphed into our natural environment, and ours into theirs. Maybe the same applies to our lives and there lives we are all connected. Maybe they have drugs that make them have strange experiences where they can see glimpse into a window into our world?
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<br>
God, if you like, is like one huge mass of energy all combined into one. Maybe these drugs can open something up within us that lets us have a glimpse into that window of the bigger picture of things, but unfortunately our physical brains are limited, and can not perceive that bigger picture, as a spirit being might well see it. This experience seems to have taught me that the spirit world is all around us, its represented by life we all see all around us, it just seems that our physical world seems to give it a image that we all perceive as being ‘normal’ reality. I think the laws of the spirit world are probably extremely strange, and alien to us.
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<br>
I also find it fascinating that it’s said that time and distance does not exist in the spirit world, and when I tried to tell the time or hear the time when on LSD, I could not understand it no matter how hard I tried, I mean I could not even hear someone say, it or even judge the distance from me to a wall near by.
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One of the things this experience taught me was that maybe certain drugs like LSD can open up a part of our being, that allows that ‘God effect’ to be felt or experienced.
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I do not think that the answers to God can be found in a pill its self. But the drug might let us experience genuine ‘God effects’ in the state of mind a pill might put us in, or that it might open some kind of strange door to a world far beyond our range of understanding. Remember we only use a small percentage of our brain mass; could certain drugs make us use more of that brain mass, letting us see something we do not normally notice around us? Even science admits that energy is all around us, but we do not always see that energy, or even know where it comes from; maybe some drugs can help us see energies that are normally invisible to our every day senses.
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All the best,
<br>
<br>
Faeden<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1994</td><td width="90">ExpID: 42273</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Aug 4, 2005</td><td>Views: 42,110</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=42273&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=42273&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Entities / Beings (37), Mystical Experiences (9), Bad Trips (6), Difficult Experiences (5), First Times (2)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 drop</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(liquid)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 1:45</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:15</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 2:30</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> T+ 0:00</td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center"> </td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/alcohol/">Alcohol</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b> </b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">60 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
I took acid for the first time on at the Beltane Fire Festival. The Beltane Fire Festival is a Pagan celebration of the coming of Summer which is held yearly in Edinburgh on top of a hill in the centre of the town. It’s a large event drawing an estimated ten thousand people a year, from hippies who are there to go stoned, drunks, parents with kids to people tripping their balls off. This year I fell into the later category with my first real trip on LSD.
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<br>
To begin with there has been here in Edinburgh an acid drought much like the rest of the world. However it looks like someone wanted everyone to have a good time at Beltane, rumours were that someone had managed to stockpile a vast quantity of acid just for this event and it’s certainly believable. For a substance which everyone always has plans in the works for that night five people I knew had a bottle of a hundred drops each not to mention the numerous trips flying about. So I was set for my night out, I bought three bits of blotter from a friend and had another drop of liquid lined up from a different friend. The initial plan was to have a drop and then save the tabs for later experimentation.
<br>
<br>
So at about 9:15 I went to my neighbours to meet my friends and get my drop. By 10:15 I was feeling highly energized though as far as I was concerned this was nothing to do with the acid, this was simply me getting in a mind frame and setting myself up for a good night. Some of my friends enthusiasm was rubbing off on me as well as it was to be his first Beltane and he had no idea what to expect. We ended up leaving my neighbours at about 10:30 and walking up the hill which took us half an hour, picking up more people on the way. By the time I arrived at the hill at 11 pm I didn’t feel up at all in the slightest so I decided to take a tab to ensure a good time, placing one of the tabs beneath my tongue for a few second before swallowing it. I forgot about taking the acid as I know the best way to kill a trip is to become too expectant of something happening. Some time later I decided I had been ripped off on the acid as I hadn’t had any effect yet so I took another tab. My friend the tabs had came from had previously been ripped off when buying forty quids worth of tabs and I had decided that he had sold them to me to make his money back as I can be a bit paranoid at times.
<br>
<br>
The first of me realizing that maybe the acid wasn’t fake came when I was wandering about the hill with a few friends. Someone came up to me and said, ‘You're Mirsha aren’t you?’ it turned out to be someone I had spoken with online but not met in person. We chatted for ten minutes in front of these really bright lights before I wandered off with my friends again. After walking about for ten minutes we arrived back at the lights and I said, ‘Those lights look familiar.’ My mate pointed out we’d walked in a circle but I couldn’t believe him, we’d been walking in a straight line from my point of view and I loudly argued that it was impossible for us to arrive back at the same point if we had taken a walk in a straight line. This was further reinforced when the blokey I had just met said hi to me again and pointed out I had returned to where I started.
<br>
<br>
We left the hill shortly after that as nothing much was happening. Me and my friend had lost everyone else so it was just the two of us and we were getting more and more mashed, it was cold and there wasn’t anyone we knew so we went to the club we had planned on going to earlier as we knew we’d meet more people there. On the way down in my slightly disabled state I decided to throw caution to the wind and took the third and final tab leading me to having taken four hits of acid over roughly two and a half hours.
<br>
<br>
By the time I go to the club I was wonged out my skull. We went straight to the dance floor to dance and it felt like I was in the middle of the most exciting and energetic crowd ever, but when I put a hand against a wall everything would suddenly shift back into focus and it would just be a bunch of fucked people dancing with lights going off. It was about at this point I started to get really completely fucked. I was seeing visuals everywhere and just generally loosing the plot. The DJ played Krekc by Speedy J and every time a sharp chime sounded my vision would just kind of change to this fractal image I took to be my brain and I would see white flashes going down what I took to be the neurons of my brain. I was literally watching cognition at work and was utterly memorized by it.
<br>
<br>
About ten minutes later the DJ played another tune, Remodel by Michael Forshaw, which is a truly evil song. It features a deep rumbling bass line with large crashing cymbals and a very fucked up noise which I dubbed squirrel noise, for when the tune was being played I was watching squirrels running about in the lighting gantry doing normal squirrel things. The next tune was Paranoid Dancer by Johannes Heil, which has these really distorted vocals saying ‘P-A-R-A-N-O-I-D’ and such like things. By this point I was looking over my shoulder every thirty seconds trying to work out who was whispering in my ear, telling me I was paranoid. It was at this point I decided to get off the dance floor as the music was starting to freak me out a bit and I was begriming to feel a bit overwhelmed by the experience.
<br>
<br>
So this led to me going to the toilets and sitting in between two sinks for what seems like half an hour chatting with various people and staring at the urinals as the piss was climbing upwards trying to escape and I could see shimmering flashes running along the urine. At this point my next door neighbour came in to sell a drop of acid and some random person came up to me and asked me if that was ecstasy in a loud voice. Seeing how I was fucked but not stupid I decided to not talk to this person who was shouting at me, ‘DO YOU HAVE ANY ECKIES?’ He followed me about for a bit and kept coming up to me and saying ‘I know you!’ but I was in no state to tell him to fuck off, so my friend did! Then I turned to her and asked her, ‘You can see him as well? I thought it was just me,’ in my completely wrecked state I had just assumed no one would be so blatant about getting drugs so he wasn’t real so I didn’t have to deal with him.
<br>
<br>
Next I noticed that life was a bit like The Sims, everyone had a thought bubble above their head which showed what they were thinking of. It was easy to see what people were thinking about which made it easy to go up to people and talk with them, the only problem now was that I had the exact same conversation, word for word with five different people. I put this situation down to ‘shoddy programming’ and I couldn’t believe the makers of this game had been so lax to only put in one conversation into this game which I had decided was the Drug Expansion pack for the Sims.
<br>
<br>
About this time Holy Ghost came on to do a PA. I don’t know what he was doing on the stage but what I saw was ambulances coming through the wall every five minutes, dropping off dead bodies which the front man would cut up, then the bodies would be loaded up on a different ambulance which would quickly drive off through a different wall. I really had to get away from this as there were just too many people about and I as starting to panic a bit with all these really freaky visuals.
<br>
<br>
So I returned to the chill out area where I quickly found two of my friends in a similar state to me to chat with. We were both pretty much speaking nonsense, at one point I succumbed to aphasia and whenever I tried to say something sensible it would come out as gibberish though I knew I had said it. After five minutes of really thinking hard I got my power of clear speech back and was explaining to my friend exactly how completely wrecked I was. I can’t remember what I said to her but she turned around to me at one point and said, ‘Ross, stop being so paranoid!’ My only answer was a quick retort of, ‘Who told you I was paranoid?’ Thus began my descent into a classic paranoid trip.
<br>
<br>
My friends left to go to the second dance floor which was playing hip hop, the music instantly freaked me out as I didn’t enjoy it, so I returned to the chill out area on my own to relax. Upon sitting down I watched someone come up to me, put their hands in my pocket and take out my mobile phone and wallet and walk off. I was too wrecked to really take notice of this until it happened again, and again… Paranoia was really starting to get the better of me now and I started descending into a really freaky mental landscape. My thought process just collapsed in upon itself and I found myself unable to focus on any single thought for more than a few seconds which really freaked me out. I decided that I was in some form of hell and I would be trapped in this club for ever. I noticed that the PA was playing a tune, 4 am at the Crying Cactus, which I had blatantly heard being played for the last forty-five minutes non stop even though my mind told me they’d never get away with playing the same thing for forty-five minutes. I was here to stay forever and whenever I thought about leaving my mind would wander off track and I’d realize I was trapped again.
<br>
<br>
It took all the willpower I own to get up and make my way to pickup my bag and coat and leave.
<br>
<br>
Now I was confronted with a new problem, a friend I hadn’t seen in a while turned up just as I was trying to get my coat and she demanded I go dance. My mind was now playing tricks on me trying to concoct reasons why I should stay and be trapped forever by throwing a women at me who was attractive through ‘beer’ goggles, but not without. As she tried to persuade me to stay I blinked and in that moment when I opened my eyes again she was standing there wearing nothing but stockings and suspenders. A brief look around confirmed that there were many more women like that in the club and I really started to freak out now as I knew my mind was playing tricks upon me. I managed to fob her off by saying I had work the next day and needed to get home so I collected my bag and left the club.
<br>
<br>
Getting back home was a problem since I could quote my address but didn’t actually know where that was. I just completely followed my instincts to get me back home which luckily they did. At one point I had to cross a road and just as I thought that a car went past. I stood for ten minutes looking up and down the road trying to make sure it was safe for me to cross as I knew I was impaired but I did this directly outside the police station looking a bit worse for the wear. Luckily no officers stopped to enquire into my state of health so I managed to continue to make it home.
<br>
<br>
On my way home I got a big shock, my next door neighbours were leaving for the club just as I was getting home, it was about 3 am by this point maybe, though I have no idea what the time really was. There was a taxi waiting outside my door which I completely ignored, I was pleased to arrive home for I felt that being on my own where I felt safe would help me get out of this bad trip and put me in a position where I was able to look after myself once again. As I took out my key to open the door it suddenly opened and there stood one of my neighbours and my head literally cracked and broke on the spot. The stress and shock of it pushed me completely over the edge, I wasn’t sure whether these people were real or not or if they were trying to harm me. I quickly became really aggressively defensive and got unjustifiably upset that they offered to let me get a taxi ride down to the club with them because in my head they were trying to defeat me from returning home and take me back to hell. I felt really bad about quickly making an excuse to run away though I have the firm belief it was the right decision.
<br>
<br>
Finally getting home I started to experience really powerful visuals, I once again encountered the fractal mind but this time it would explode off into infinity but I was still able to comprehend all of it at once. I realized that what I was seeing was some sort of mystic force and as it grew and grew I slowly came to understand what the universe was all about, I had found the answer to life, the universe and everything. Then in a moment it was gone and I knew I had lost the greatest secret that had been hidden from mankind.
<br>
<br>
I had to curl up into a ball and repeated the acid mantra, I have taken a powerful hallucinogenic and it will go away, for about half an hour. My stomach had fierce cramps, I felt sick and my mind was fragmenting into bits and I was utterly loosing my sense of self. I didn’t know if I wanted to piss or shit or drink water and for the first time I truly felt helpless and unable to look after myself. For a short period of time I convinced myself I was dying, I had always taken a risk doing drugs and finally the odds were to be against me. I was almost in tears as I didn’t want to die and I thought how upset my family and flat mates would be at me throwing my life away.
<br>
<br>
However acid is a very safe drug to take and it did become less and intense and more and more pleasant. I entered a state in which everything was extremely funny and I could not stop laughing. A lettuce in my fridge had me rolling about on the floor laughing at it. After this I kinda did what I normally did but with extreme hilarity. I made many posts to GBS with complete random rantings about nonsensical things for a while. Once I entered this state I was on top of the world again, the bad paranoia trip had gone and I felt much better in the body and the mind. I spent the rest of that night entertaining myself doing things because I wanted to see what they would be like on acid to see how they were different. One of the things I noticed was that drinking/eating took up a lot of concentration as my perception of myself was very poor, at one point I went to take a drink of water and ended up spilling some on my shoulder even though I could feel the bottle neck about my lips. Eating went over the shoulder as well, there was a definite shift in my perceptions which said to me I was about one inch to far to the right in reality.
<br>
<br>
After this phase my trip started to fizzle out, bass line reality smoothly started to come back to me and things would loose a certain edge that they possessed. More and more I felt fuzzy and warm and as though I was just phasing out, bits of my body would start to come back to me after feeling like I had forgotten about them for a few hours. I was still tripping under the acid just not as hard though, I was more able to place my sense of self in an environment and deal with it. I took the decision to go to work half an hour early which obviously was a bad move though at the time it made perfect sense, I had to see how other people would react to me. How much could I get away with and would people care? I found a bottle of alcohol in my bag as I left to go to work and I decided to drink that on the way to work, sitting at the back seat on the bus getting hammered. I did a full eight hours shift which included such activities as telling one of my work colleagues that if he turned off my loud techno I was going home as it was the only thing keeping me at work through to getting in a bottle of vodka and coke during my lunch break and proceeding to get completely wrecked until the end of my shift.
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<br>
By the time I got home I was completely hammered but had one last task to do before I could freely feel safe getting some sleep. I went to my next door neighbours to apologize for my actions the previous night, I explained the whole thing as me having way too much acid and getting a bit out of control and he was cool with it. We had a smoke then I fell into bed and passed out for a few hours.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2002</td><td width="90">ExpID: 18714</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Aug 5, 2005</td><td>Views: 27,529</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=18714&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=18714&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Festival / Lg. Crowd (24), Entities / Beings (37), Bad Trips (6)</td></tr>
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<div class="report-text-surround">
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<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
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<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
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<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">175 lb</td>
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This trip took place in the winter of 2001, my first year out of high school. I had first tried marijuana a year earlier and had taken a fondness to it, to say the least. The effects of drugs fascinated me so I was extremely eager to try LSD. I had already tried it a few months earlier but I had only felt ‘really high.’ Perhaps it was weak or maybe it took more to break my tolerance.
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When my very close friend told me that he wanted to try LSD and could get it, I told him, ‘Don’t worry man, I’ve done it, I know what it’s like.’ I was wrong. We each took a double dipped Smartie candy and drove back to my house to hang out for awhile. Frustrated from feeling no effects, we made ourselves a bong from a three liter soda bottle and took a few hits. We went back into the kitchen, where the cat, Chester, was having a little nibble on some food. We found this to be the funniest thing in the world and were laughing harder than ever at the cat chomping down on his food. When the cat was done and we had fully realized that now we were tripping, the cat began weaving around our feet, looking up at us. I had this feeling that the cat knew we were tripping, even that it was his fault! Thus came the cat’s nickname, Tripmasta Chesta.
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It took us forever to get out of the house and when we finally did, we did the most moronic thing in the world, got into the car. At the time though, this was not moronic at all. We felt completely clear headed, carefree, jovial, playful, and better than I think either of us had felt in a long time. We were acting calm and normal, only much more enthusiastic and fascinated. In the car we popped in the <i>White Album</i> by the Beatles and sang along, driving in the cold snowy weather. We went to a nature preserve and walked around for awhile, amazed at the beauty of the snow covered forest. Then my friend remembered an even more beautiful place to walk around and we drove there. It was a nature preserve called Plotterkill, in the hills of upstate NY. We wandered around the forest, no cares for time or temperature or even direction for that matter. We looked out over the hills into the valley and the hills beyond and could not stop commenting on the beauty of the natural surroundings. We talked about we felt and the experiences were completely similar except with the natural difference in perception. We felt like so much information was entering our minds at one time, like our brains were melting or going to explode. We felt emotions and feelings that we did not even recognize, as if the drug had opened pathways in our brain that we rarely used or have never even accessed. All of the bullshit in the world, the bullshit that I was only slowly coming to realize, was thrown in my face at that exact moment and I saw the world in a way that completely changed the way that I had been approaching it. We stood in silence as I played with a plastic wrapper in my hands. It crackled as loud as bonfire.
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We then made our attempt to leave the preserve which was somewhat difficult for a few moments when we looked around and all for the trees looked similar and direction was impossible to determine. Then, logical thinking back in order, we recognized a tree with a small pink spray paint mark and found our way out and back to the car. Coming back down from the hills, ‘Revolution 9’ on the <i>White Album</i> came on and turned into utter chaos, panic ensued and my friend suggested I turn it off. I did and the calm atmosphere returned.
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From there we went to a supermarket and a diner. I have no idea, or no remembrance, of why we were at the supermarket. However, I do remember walking around feeling almost superior in a way than all the other shoppers. Not superior in a conceited way, but in that I felt I was on another level from them. A level of higher awareness, not concerned with trivial things like groceries and daily troubles. There was life to lived! We looked each person we walked past directly in the eyes with a huge smile on our faces. We were on acid and damn proud of it!
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At the diner I ordered French toast. I’m not quite sure what my friend ordered; food was of little importance. I barely finished my French Toast, it tasted like wet cardboard. We talked a lot about people and the way they view life, how were we feeling on the drug, how good yet incredibly intense it felt. I wanted to feel like that forever, to forever explore the world on acid with my friend. Yet, I still had the common sense to recognize that the real world and the daily routine would not permit such a lifestyle and neither would my sanity or health. But in that moment though, we bonded, as if by looking into each other’s eyes, we could feel one another’s thoughts. It was not as if we actually heard each other’s voice in our mind or that random images flashed by. It was simply an understanding of intent. A complete relinquishment of barriers and norms and hidden emotion. It was trust and truth and caring and dependence and love.
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We talked about a lot in that diner, we were probably there an hour and a half. We talked about our pasts and my friend revealed to me a memory that he had never told anyone in his life, only his parents were aware of it. He was nearly crying but it was obviously years and years of aggression and frustration and insecurity pouring out. We told each other how incredibly grateful we were to have tripped with one another but more importantly, our gratitude to have one another as a friend.
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When the time came to pay the bill, my visual hallucinations were fairly strong but not like I had heard them described by other people. These were merely vibrant colors and prominent, dramatic patterns on the wood grain of the table and the wall paper. I saw the creamer swirling around in the coffee as if a hundred times magnified. I could see every curl and slippery movement of each tendril of creamer. I was, for the first time, aware of the hundreds of little lines, all differently shaded, that make up a simple thing like coffee creamer in coffee. When we pulled out the money to pay the bill, it looked like nothing to us. My friend shrugged his shoulders and pulled all of the cash from his wallet and tossed it on the table carelessly. It was paper and the concept of it being used to get things seemed suddenly so ridiculous and unnatural and necessary. However, our reality instinct kicked in and prevented us from leaving all the money there.
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As we left the diner, as throughout the entire day, time seemed nonexistent. It felt like we had been on acid forever and that we always would be. We were aware that the day was ending, that it was getting dark and turning to night but the impulse to inquire of the time, to feel restrained by it, to care about it in general, was not there. There were more important things to think about and it was merely something man made.
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As we began coming down, we both wrote a little in a journal I had brought along. Here is a sample of some writings of my friend:
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‘It is so good to have a little reality check once in awhile… The mind is amazing. Music is the language of life to the fullest sense… Questions. Ahh… How nice. Simplify, simplify, simplify, simplify, simplify… Why do we fight when we are all the same… Life is not complicated it’s the people in it who complicate things.’
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Here is a little of what I wrote:
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‘Why is there so much obsession over nothing? It’s all nothing when you come down to it. Just thoughts flowing by and passing through, coming forward and revealing themselves. Dismiss them… I wish I could do so many things, so many things. I wish I could live with all of this.’
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We finished off our night by listening to Pink Floyd’s <i>The Dark Side of the Moon</i> (of course) and reattempting ‘Revolution 9’ while looking at computer screen savers of objects flying towards the screen. The shape and angle of the objects (stars, for instance) was always changing and jumping from the screen in some cases. Sometimes I was looking up at rainstorm, other times down a wormhole, zipping across light-years.
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We both were exhausted around 3 am after watching <i>Fight Club</i>. Halfway through, the high pretty much faded away and the movie was like any other movie, great, but still just a movie. I headed home and went to bed, sleeping far into the next day. I still get chills when I think about that day though, I physically feel a rush of energy and fondness. It is definitely up there as one of the best days of my life thus far and marks a landmark, a destination change for me. I felt that a mystery or two of self-identity had been chipped away that day. It was uncanny. I was driving a car around, walking around public places, thinking more logically (but still less educated) than I had before and I loved it. Every single moment, even moments of panic were thrilling and amazing and interesting. I never once got bored or wished to be somewhere else or with any other person. I felt like we were brothers, like we had bonded for life.
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Many people say that the legitimacy of the feelings I experienced is questioned because I was on LSD. They think that because it is a drug that I am not myself, that feelings and emotions and thoughts are not real but all manifested by the drug itself. But that is impossible because the only way that a person’s thoughts, feelings and emotions and can be perceived is by that person manifesting those things, by our own minds. The drug LSD is not random thoughts and weird emotions splattered on a Smartie or sugar cube or piece of paper. I have no shame in admitting that LSD played a large part in ‘changing in my life,’ because it is absolutely true. Had I not nor ever done LSD or done it with a less familiar person, I would not be the exact person I am today, close, but not exact. It helped me greatly to come to terms with what I really wanted to value, achieve and learn about in life and the kind of person that I want to become. I believe that everyone should try LSD at least once with their closest friend or even just friends they are very comfortable talking to and being around and in a comfortable place, most preferably in nature. There is something about the man made world that is incredibly less appealing than the natural one and this is amplified ten times on acid. Stories and accounts of trips, including this one, cannot even come close to describing the actual experience, the feeling of it when it’s good and the numerous benefits one can derive from taking LSD. It’s truthful and genuine description are out of the realm of language.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2001</td><td width="90">ExpID: 18759</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Aug 10, 2005</td><td>Views: 22,380</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=18759&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=18759&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
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<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
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<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
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<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">12 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
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<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">240 lb</td>
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</table>
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<!-- Start Body -->
This is an account of my last experience with LSD, which, incidentally, led to the greatest moment of my life.
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Setting: My Basement
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Set: Fairly nervous. Have taken acid over 25 times, but the last time, a rather nasty trip caused me to nearly kill a couple of friends of mine. I enjoy the drug, so I decide to do it again, just by myself (not particularily smart with hallucinogens).
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Dose: 12 tabs
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Now, first of all, a little background. I am a Buddhist. I converted over five years ago to Buddhism, and have since been trying to live a Buddhist life. I am quite experienced with Vipassana (Focus On In And Out Breathing) and Metta Bhavana (Loving-Kindness) Meditation. However, at the same time, I love drugs. Not the intoxicating ones like alcohol or opiates, no. I like the stimulants and the hallucinogens (rather strange, since I suffer from an anxiety disorder which makes taking hallucinogenics a risky proposition). It was my experiences with drugs (starting with Cannabis) that led me, ironically, to Buddhism. Psychoactive chemicals showed me, above all else, how totally fragile reality is, and how transient our own existence is. Now, the fifth Buddhist precept prohibits the taking of intoxicants of the mind 'causing heedlessness'. Since converting, I have significantly lowered my drug intake. This particular experience was my 25th time doing LSD. My 24th time had happened a few months earlier and had resulted in a rather nasty police encounter. For my 25th time, I took 12 hits, way too much (far more than I had ever taken). I have a relatively low tolerance to psychedelics so I don't know why I took that much. Even now I couldn't say. All I know is this: The experience has altered my life forever.
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I ingested all twelve hits at about 8:00 P.M. For the come up, I turn on some Debussy (I'm into classical shit) and sit back. I did not keep track of the time, as I have done acid many times before and there was in fact no reason to do so. After about 20 minutes, I felt the first waves, manifesting as minor auras in the air around me. What amazed me here, was the speed at which I went up. I got up and went upstairs to pour myself some orange juice. By the time I returned downstairs, I was tripping hard. The entire room was lodged on acute angles, introducing a creeping Hill House atmosphere. I sit down and close my eyes, watching the CEV's. I lay here as the trip fully came on, and somewhere I started thinking 'Oh Fuck! This is not slowing down!' I just kept going up and up, and every time I thought the trip was starting to plateau, another insane piece of psychedelia would manifest itself.
<br>
<br>
I started to panic. Now, since I have an anxiety disorder this is not good. I went into the washroom and splashed water on my face. And then I looked in the mirror. Now, the oddest thing happened: Reality snapped back together. The waves that were traversing through the air ceased, breathing surfaces died, and the angles returned to their normal state. This scared me more than anything, because I knew this was not normal. My body felt very strange, inflated, and suddenly the thought occured to me that in order to avoid panicking, my body was exerting a level of control over the acid. I don't know if this is possible or not, but I suddenly felt something I have never felt in my entire life. The best possible way I can define it would be as an inhuman state of pure reason. I suddenly realized, as I looked in the mirror, with no visuals manifesting themselves, that I had not a single emotion in my body. I looked around me, and everything I saw I had power over. It was as if I had internalized the hallucinations so that I could utilize them to my own ends. I remember staring in the mirror and deciding I wanted my eyes to bleed, and they started to. It occured to me, that in this highly fucked state, I was a complete god. Every single action I performed was dictated by raw logic, as if I was some divine computer.
<br>
<br>
At this point, and I do not even know why, I decided to meditate. Having little patience for my normal ritual, I sat down in the Lotus Position and began Vipassana. In this meditation, one lets their mind go lax, focusing attention on the breath, allowing thoughts to enter and exit the mind without grasping or manipulating them. As I sat there, eyes closed, I decided to let loose the hallucinations. Insane 4 dimensional objects appeared in my mind's eye, manifested in front of me. It should have been extremely difficult to focus with the things I was seeing, but for some reason it wasn't. I do not know how long I sat there for, but, after what seemed like a very short time, something snapped. I don't know if it was my ego giving way, or my confined consciousness expanding or what. Suddenly, I felt a greater bliss than I have ever experience in my entire life. It spread throughout my body, taking away all weight, unlearning everything I had learned, shattering language and destroying perception. I once heard a Buddhist monk say that happiness is a response to the five senses, bliss can only come from within. And, I do not doubt that this was bliss. I was free of my body, free from me. I understood things that were beyond all human comprehension.
<br>
<br>
Eventually, this state started to break apart, shattered almost completely by the idea that it was just the drug doing this. Suddenly, I reentered my body, and opened my eyes. There was a clock over on the far wall and it read 12:00 A.M. I figured I had been meditating for about four hours. But the strange thing was, the acid was entirely gone. I mean entirely, no after effects, no anything. I stood up and suddenly fell down. My legs were completely asleep. As I sat on the ground waiting for them to come back, I thought about my experience. Now, everything I looked at, I looked at from the vision of a being who has seen the ultimate truth, even though I could not comprehend it. I finally stood up and went upstairs, noticing that everything in the world felt amazing, and that I felt totally and completely content, something I had never felt before. When I got upstairs, I noticed, to my complete shock, that the date listed on my computer was October 10. I had ingested the acid at 8:00 P.M. on October 8th. I had been meditating continuously for 28 hours.
<br>
<br>
Suddenly I realized, that for the most part, what I had experienced had been a result of deep meditative absorption, not the trip. I quickly decided to test this theory, and resumed meditating. Amazing. I was able to achieve a level of concentration I never thought possible. For the first time in my life, I became convinced that there is a state of supreme bliss which Buddha called Nirvana. From this day forward my entire life has changed. My perception of reality is completely altered, and I am entirely happy, seeing things in a clearer light than ever before. I do not know if I will achieve Nirvana in this lifetime, but I now strive with firmness of mind to that point. I have incidentally given up all drugs, but I will forever remember the LSD, and the trip that precipitated the greatest discovery of my life.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2004</td><td width="90">ExpID: 38140</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Aug 23, 2005</td><td>Views: 25,878</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=38140&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=38140&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Mystical Experiences (9), Alone (16)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right"> </td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">smoked</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/plants/cannabis/">Cannabis</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(plant material)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">200 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Before this night I had only smoked marijuana and drank alcohol about a million times. The people dropping along with me I will call AK and S and other’s who were not dropping will be called by the first letter of their name as well or if there are conflicting letters I’ll just use their initials.
<br>
<br>
The night began at 11:45 p.m. on the dot. I put the small piece of paper in my mouth and held it on my tongue for a little and then swallowed. There was certainly a feeling that there was no turning back now.
<br>
<br>
While waiting for the effects to kick in S and I decided to go up to a nearby BP to get some snacks and kill some time. AK had left immediately after we dropped to attend a previous social obligation but would return later on in the evening. Our friend Y drove us there and I got out of the car and went inside and grabbed a bag of Fritos and a soft drink. While standing in line behind three people a very warm feeling started to wash over me and a feeling of giggliness began to become prevalent. This was approximately 30 minutes after I had taken it and I began to smile and sort of laughed to myself for no particular reason. It probably looked a bit odd to those around, but at the moment I did not really care, because I could still feel myself in complete control of my body.
<br>
<br>
About a half an hour later we were back at JK’s house (JK was the host of a little get-together this evening, much as he was on almost every weekend.) S stopped me in the kitchen and informed me, “It’s for real.” For the hour before this I was in a pseudo-denial mode, because although I felt a little change, I did not believe that this was going to affect me in anyway and I assumed that we had gotten some weak stuff that wouldn’t do much to me. I could feel it for sure now, but it was all physical. I was not seeing things melt or grow or anything of the sort but there was an undeniable feeling of energy coming from everyone and thing around me. Several of my friends, who were aware of what I was on, came up to me in the follow moments and asked if anything crazy was happening, but all I could inform them of was the never-ending flow of energy I felt pulsing through my body. They noted that they could tell I was feeling it, because I was talking and moving faster than I ever was.
<br>
<br>
From all I had researched about the drug and the effects of it, I never expected this buzz. I had not assumed that I would be feeling such a tremendous amount of energy, but I can compare it to a very anxious feeling. At the time (and up until the point where I peaked) I could feel something growing inside of me, as if a dam was being backed up and at any moment it was going to break loose. A good metaphor for what I was feeling would be that I was traveling up a large hill on a roller coaster (a 2 hour hill) and as time passed I knew I was getting closer and closer to reaching the top of the coaster and then plummeting at speeds I had never traveled before. What may have helped with the tremendous amount of energy I was feeling was the fact that there was a party like atmosphere (about 13 people were in the house in total) and the sociability of almost everyone there due to the alcohol they were consuming.
<br>
<br>
About one hour and forty five minutes after I had taken it I still did not feel like it had taken total effect. There were no visuals but the buzz had increased as time went on and it was if my body was taking energy from all those around me and using it as its own. I was sitting on the couch with AF, a girl that I had known for a little while but only had a few conversations with. She asked me to rub her back and I began feeling a sense of confidence coming over me, which is something that I rarely obtain. I complied and not once did my hands stop moving and I kept playing with her hair and noticing how absolutely gorgeous (I could feel how pretty it was, if that makes any sense) it felt against my hands and noted that I felt they got lost within the complexities of the fiery red fibers that grew from her scalp. I began to feel a bond with her, as if she knew everything about me and I had known her forever, a feeling that I would share with several others throughout the remainder of the night. It was also at this time that I had my first reflection and epiphany about my life as a whole. I am often times shy and scared around girls when they get too close or ask me to do something physical but I had absolutely no qualms about fulfilling her wish of obtaining a decent back rub from me. I began to realize that when I’m in a social situation such as this party, I would most of the time cower away from those who I did not know very well unless I had received courage from alcohol, but unlike my social nature under the influence of alcohol I was forming coherent thoughts and my sentences flowed together and I used words from the very depths of my vocabulary. I also noted that when I am drunk and social I use the word “fuck” to fill up spaces where I was searching for the right word or words to say, but I do not believe I uttered that word once throughout the night, nor do I remember fumbling my sentences until much later into the night. But I digress. The epiphany I got while sitting on the couch was that if I could be this charming and pretty much win this girl over while under the effects of LSD, then what had I ever worried about? I could do the very same thing while sober (and probably more effectively, due to the fact that my mind would not be racing through different thoughts so quickly.) My form of social anxiety, albeit not a severe as most cases, was in my mind cured and up until this point I still feel the same way and when placed in a social event since then I have warmed up quite more and I’m not the cold figure that I once was. It was at that point that I could see why this drug was used for psychiatric therapy long ago, because you come face to face with your problems and see them from a different perspective, and I noticed that my problem was downright silly. Obviously, I could tell the effects upon my thinking were taking on noticeable changes, because I was now thinking on a deeper level than ever before. (Note that AF was not drunk.)
<br>
<br>
While still sitting on the couch with her, my friend C came in wearing a Halloween mask in a vain attempt to make me “freak out.” At first I stared at the mask and noticed how scary it COULD be, but I did not find myself frightened. What the mask did to me was make me think of how horrible it would be to walk down the street and see a creature such as this jump out and tear into my flesh and how horrible it would be to live the last moments of my life screaming at the mercy of this monster. I laughed uncontrollably, because I found it ridiculous he was trying to freak me out. He took off the mask and motioned me to as to say, “Let’s go smoke a bowl,” because we had talked about smoking one in about a half an hour before I sat down on the couch. I complied, but I knew that AF did not like such things so I broke myself away from her and she wouldn’t be sure of what we were going to do. I knew I could come back to this area in a few minutes and continue what I was doing before. Boy was I wrong.
<br>
<br>
I did not believe the pot would increase what I was feeling or make any significant change in the course of events of the night, due to the fact that it was a weaker drug than what I was on. We (C, AN, JB, and I) huddled in between two cars in JK’s driveway and the bowl came around to me and I took a monster hit. S had been telling me the whole time I should just do it for “flavor” and it wasn’t going to change anything. It came around the second time and I took another huge hit and I blew out the smoke and noticed that I now had the definite feeling of being “stoned.” This changed my idea and made me wonder if the acid really was that weak and I had just been feeling a placebo effect. We stood around for about five more minutes smoking cigarettes when all of a sudden things took on a definite change. A massive wave of paranoia washed over me and I began to become scared standing out there, probably because of the fact we were right by the house smoking weed. But things changed once again and I no longer felt stoned. My buzz from before returned, this time much more significant and I turned around in the driveway and looked at the building that was behind me. Earlier, S noted that the building was giving him crazy visuals and as hard as I tried I could see nothing. This time, however, the building was swaying from left to right and then from right to left, as if it were a brittle shack about to collapse during a wind storm. It is an image forever burned into my mind, because it was at that exact moment that I realized that I had entered a world where the normal rules no longer applied. My mind was racing, thinking a million thoughts a second that I could not keep track or remember, but each one had its own significance in accordance to all I had ever known.
<br>
<br>
After staring at the building for what seemed like an eternity (probably about 4 minutes total) we all went back inside. Objects I stared at on the walk back up to the top floor pulsated ever so slightly and the energy I had felt before returned to me, and I could feel a nonstop flow coming from everything that surrounded me. In the loft where I had sat with AF, the couches had been moved and it was total darkness as if everyone there had just disappeared. I didn’t mind at all at the time, because I would have felt odd around AF with red eyes that I always get from marijuana. The paranoia subsided and I was now sitting at JK’s computer in his room. In the room with me were SK (JK’s brother), M (a friend of SK’s), C, AN, and Y. C was sitting behind me and was asking what was going on and I told him now that I was indeed feeling what had to be the full effects. We chatted for a few minutes and laughed several times, because everything seemed hilarious and the party and the drunkenness of those around me were ridiculously amusing. I told C that everything was a movie right now and it was if I was not even in the room, but I was just a camera soaking up every bit of information all at once. The scene around me was taken directly from a movie, as I was an eyewitness to the party instead of being directly involved with it. I could dissect different conversations at once if I concentrated and it seemed that at no time did anyone except those who knew what I had done even looked at me once. It was an odd feeling, as if instead I was connected to everyone around I was now totally disconnected, an unimportant object that sat off to the side of the room. Destruction of the ego was just beginning.
<br>
<br>
I am not quite sure what happened in the following half hour or so, but I’m sure it took on the same effects of me just watching and taking in everything that went on around me. All I know is that the conversations that occurred during this time only seemed like “BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH” in my mind. I know that I came back into JK’s room and the lights were out now, and the same people (minus C) were still in the room, yet the lights were off. The door was cracked half way and I took my seat at JK’s computer once again and realized how unbelievably cool everything looked. Because the light was not fully entering the room, the bottom half of the faces of those talking were all I could really see and the vividness of the light that reflected upon their skin in indescribable. (I compare it to altering the contrast on a television set.) It looked much like a solar eclipse was occurring and where there was no light it was REALLY dark and where there was light it was REALLY bright. Truly breathtaking, as this is one of the most beautiful sites I have ever witnessed and the conversations took a back seat to what I saw at that moment. It sucked when someone came in and turned the lights on.
<br>
<br>
But when this event did occur, I switched my interest over to AN. We started talking and I could tell that she was drunk and stoned, a socially lethal combination in my opinion. I did not stop laughing one time, because everything she said made perfect sense and it was directly correlated with my humor. I felt as though she had a log of all the jokes and things I found amusing from my entire life and built her humor around those very things. It was a very odd feeling and it was the first point in the entire night where I had the thought that maybe everything around me I had created myself within my head. It was as if I were God. This thought trailed from my mind when I saw other’s having menial conversations with one another that did not pertain to me in the slightest. At times throughout the rest of the conversation I had conflicting thoughts, because when talking to her I was everything, I was God, but when seeing others I was absolutely nothing. Her face had a look of being mesmerized (which she later described as her drunk/stoned face) upon it, further concreting the idea that I was everything to her at this exact moment and I wished for further things between us, something I will not go into do to the fact that she is C’s girlfriend.
<br>
<br>
It was now around 3:20 a.m. and almost everyone was still awake and playing Super Mario World on C’s modded X Box that contained several thousand retro games on emulators. I decided to try my hand at it along with JK and I realized how good I was at the game. I did not once play badly and my mind seemed to be totally connected with what my hands were doing. There is a speed up button on the controller for the emulator, however, and JK kept pushing it to make me mad. I informed him after a while that I would fight him if he did it once more, but he continued and I just sat there and boiled inside. Eventually he let up and finally he went to sleep. Now, AK was back and we were flipping through the possible games we could play and noted that we were in a child’s heaven, with an unlimited amount of games at our disposal. In fact, we both knew we were in our own heaven as we were huge fans of these games and AK picked out Super Punch Out to play. I about pissed my pants with joy because I had just been playing it a few nights before and I had defeated a good portion of his times. We took turns fighting against the computer (because that’s all you can do in this game) and challenging each other’s times of victory. We agreed that there are few things better in the world than finding a person worthy of being called a very good Super Punch Out player and we for sure bonded through the game.
<br>
<br>
I also must note that from the time of 3:20 a.m. to 4:00 a.m. seemed as if it took about 3 days. I remember looking at my cell and seeing the time as 3:24 a.m. and then looking back at what seemed like an hour later to realize it was 3:27 a.m. This was scary in a way, but also very cool, because I was in a very comfortable state of mind and at some points I did not want this wonderful night to come to a close.
<br>
<br>
Of course at 5 a.m. everyone was asleep and AK, S, and I were still wide awake. Never expect to fall asleep when tripping. It is just not going to happen and I knew for sure this was the truth when I would close my eyes and relax for a few minutes then feel the need to open my eyes and look at everything around me. I also realized that even in a dark room, when I closed my eyes it was as if I was sitting in front of a lamp and the light was making me see the bright red of the back of my eyelids. I got up and went to the bathroom and urinated for the first time that night. I noted that I did not even feel like I had to, but when I did I pissed for a long time. It was an almost never-ending flow that eventually ceased after what I would judge as two minutes. I went over to wash my hands and looked in the mirror, only to see a person I couldn’t even recognize. I stared at my right eye and it began to bulge out. Because my eye was the main point of focus, the rest of my face began to blur, but not in the normal way. My face broke into about nine separate pieces, as if someone had put together a crossword puzzle and disassembled it carelessly and frantically. None of the pieces fit together at all and I shook my head and refocused upon my entire face. I then stared at my nose and my eyes separated from where they had been. My face was liquid and it looked as though someone has pulled my eyes to the outside of my face and there was a smear where they once wore. I shook my head again and stood a few feet back from the mirror. I looked directly into my pupils and the two large circles began to float as the rest of my body blurred out and melted into a blob of nothingness. The circles were outlined in a white light and I stared into them as they stared back and moved around within the mirror. I was no longer looking at a reflection of my body in the mirror. It was a form that cannot even be described as me.
<br>
<br>
I went back into the room and told those still awake that I was still having visuals and when I would look at the lines and such on the wall they were outlined in a bright white light and wiggled and grew quickly. This continued for the next couple of hours and we talked until everyone woke up the next morning. By the time everyone was awake, I was no longer tripping, but I had still not slept and we went and got something to eat. I was sort of quiet while we were eating, because I was trying to reflect on all that I saw and realized the night before. Everyone else talked about how much fun the night was and I all I could do was agree and I realized how thankful I was to have such fun loving and great friends to be with all the time.
<br>
<br>
I certainly believe that I had several life changing thoughts running through my mind this night, but I forgot most of them seconds after I realized them, which is quite a frustrating feeling. I feel that I was on to something that night and a greater understanding of all things around me was beginning to come into focus. However, I do not feel like I achieved this understanding in its entirety and I feel that one day I will travel back to try and figure it all out once more.<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2004</td><td width="90">ExpID: 31931</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Aug 28, 2005</td><td>Views: 26,752</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=31931&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=31931&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2), Cannabis (1) : Combinations (3), Difficult Experiences (5), Glowing Experiences (4), Mystical Experiences (9), Large Group (10+) (19)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1 hit</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">50 kg</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
It has been three years since this event happened but most of it is so sharply ingrained on my psyche that I can never possibly forget.
<br>
<br>
The blotters were called 'Fat Freddy' or 'Fat Freddies Cat', and just by looking at them you could tell they were going to be interesting. One side had a white background with fat freddy and stars in red ink and the other side was part of larger picture which only the coolest of the cool would ever get to see. I considered myself an experienced psychonaut. My dealer specifically warned me and my friend, whom I will refer to as 'B', to go very easy with these trips she suggested we eat 1/4 of the blotter to start off with. But as soon as she handed the trips over 'B' popped his in his mouth straight away. I looked at him incredulously and laughed nervously, saying
<br>
'I can't believe you did that, now Im going to have to eat mine soon to be on the same wavelength'. Straight away I could tell we were in for an interesting night.
<br>
<br>
We got in my car and drove around town looking for the house where we were supposed to meet up with a girl 'K' (who I thought I was in love with, who also enjoyed fucking me around) who was going to trip with us. After 30 minutes of not being able to find the house we gave up. 'B' was becoming insistent urging me to drop the Tab before we got out of synch, I grudgingly popped the tab in my mouth. It had no taste.. and after 5 minutes I started to feel the initial anxiety/tense buzziness alot earlier than I was hoping for. We decided to try make it home before it came on too hard. Believe it or not only 10 minutes after dropping the Tab it became too risky to drive and we decided to park the car at a friends house and walk to the place 'K' was supposed to be.
<br>
<br>
*Note: Mistake Number 1, The town I was staying in has VERY bad vibes at night and is not the place for heavy tripping*
<br>
<br>
We started to walk and all around us was very quiet, it seemed that wherever we walked everything went dead silent and that everywhere in front of us was DARKNESS and every where behind us, being created by us was LIGHT. I felt like we were two angels stranded here on earth and that we had always been like this. At the time we were both very interested in the Dark Arts, Magick, Vampirism, Golden Dawn and we were discussing this as we walked. *Possible Mistake* Around us lightposts were bending and twisting, coiling... we could see waves in the fabric of reality the road was like a rolling sea of asphalt. We were generally feeling good at this point the acid was strong but no unbearable.
<br>
<br>
[1 hour into it]
<br>
<br>
As we walked past some houses still on the way to find 'K' but realising that it was a waste of time. I thought I could hear the people sitting on their balconies talking about us and making fun of us, people who drove past seemed to stare and shout out things to us as if we had a big sign on our heads saying 'look at these hopeless trippers' I started to feel sad and angry at the same I felt the emptiness of my city... the total negativity and it began to eat away at me. I started wringing my hands over and over clenching and unclenching my fists saying 'Stupid fucking humans, worthless fucking scum'. It was about this point in time that I walked through (80% sure I did anyway) a massive Golden Orb Weaver Spider Web and had the sensation of being bitten two-three times on the face. I screamed and started pulling bits of web and trying to brush whatever had bitten me off my body. I was screaming 'Ive been bitten oh fuck maan' and 'B' just said 'stop freaking out man your just tripping, nothing bit you'. All he saw was me pulling bits of nothing out of my face. Well whether it was the spiders venom or the surge of adrenalin from being bitten I'm not sure but it set me off big time.
<br>
<br>
All I could feel now was emanations of pure hate overcome me. I felt like I was channeling an entity (Read below for the story of the entity), an entity that totally disliked humans and earth (gaia). We decided to try and make it back to my house before anything bad happened I was constantly saying 'fuck, FUCK stupid fucking humans' 'I swear im going to kill someone'.
<br>
<br>
*From this point on I am only explaining what happened from my perception, alot of the following may be hard for people to believe in actuality. It is also quite a fragmented story so sorry about that*
<br>
<br>
I had to get away from 'B' because I seriously thought I was going to kill him. I RAN, I ran so fast and so far that the world seemed to blur and my legs were moving of their own accord. I remember vomiting as I ran but I didnt care I just spat the remains of my vomit away and kept running. When I stopped it felt like wind whoooooshed up to catch up with me it felt like the whole world had to catch up to me. I swear I ran at least 2 kilomtres in less than 2 minutes. This is where I can hardly remember anything. I remember sitting under a lamp post screaming, 'please god fucking help me I'm going to kill someone or kill myself, Jesus Christ!!' (Im not anywhere near christian btw nor are my family though I WAS deeply interested in PRE christian mythology about Angels, Annunakai, Nephilim etc.) I had the feeling that I was the chosen one, that I was the vessel through which Armageddon would arrive, all the votes from all the conciousness in existence were being tallied through me, Continue creation?? Or destroy everything?? And when the votes were tallied I would be the one to SING the sum of creation out of existence if neccessary.. It sounds outrageous but if you can imagine the pressure and the alienation you would feel if you were given such a task then you would understand.
<br>
<br>
*After this I became completely overwhelmed by the Entity and do not remember the next 30 minutes*
<br>
<br>
The next thing I remember is me walking without a shirt down the middle of the main road (in winter) with both hands in the 'fuck you' position shouting 'I am the fucking end of creation you are all going to die you fucks, I am god, I am satan, I am something inconceivable'
<br>
<br>
*another piece of lost time*
<br>
<br>
I remember walking off the road onto the sidewalk and I can hear sirens and I see the flash of blue and red. I suddenly have a flash of sanity and I say 'oh fuck' quietly. A cop gets out of the car and shines his torch in my eye as another cop car pulls up behind him.. I say 'oh fuck' a bit louder this time and the cop hears me and says 'Thats right mate, 'Oh Fuck' you've had your fun for the night don't you think?' There are now four large policeman approaching me with Torches flashing my eyes.
<br>
<br>
*This next part is extremely fragmented and probably didnt really happen*
<br>
<br>
I remember a group of policeman surrounding me as I scream something to the effect of
<br>
'I am something for which your insignificant little minds have no capabilities of understanding, I am all of creation I am SATAN I am GOD and because of Humanity I am going to destroy you all you fucking filllllthy fucking huuuumaaaaahhnns...I am going to fucking kill you alll!! 170,000 years on this earth this fuckin wretched planet'
<br>
<br>
In my mind I could see the police cars rising off the ground slightly... I felt like I was floating above the ground and small objects were flying around me. I was emanating tremendous kinetic energies. As the police discussed what the hell they were going to do with me I could hear what they they were thinking, the fear in their minds that they were witnessing something incomprehensible, that they should call the army.. anyone. I was answering their questions before they asked them. I told them that there was nothing they could do to me because the world would very soon come to an end, the votes were still tallying inside me but I could feel the end coming on...it would all be over sooon.
<br>
<br>
*another blackout*
<br>
<br>
I am now on the ground, A large police officer has his knee in between my shoulder blades while another one is holding down my legs. They are asking me if I committed various crimes around the neighbourhood 'what did you do at such and such... why did you break their letterbox?? Did you steal this car? did you piss on this guys lawn' some ludicrous bullshit and Im saying 'How the fuck should I know.' My arms are handcuffed beside me. I am screaming 'Someone please fucking help me' because there are wasps and Ants crawling in and out of my mouth stinging me.. there are two voices coming from my mouth. One very scared sounding ME, the regular me, and a very deep growling voice that is the voice of the Entity gnashing and growling and reciting ancient prophecies in a different language. The pain from the wasps bites is so bad that I have to chew at the grass so I dont bite my tongue off... meanwhile the entity is making my voice growl like an animal very real very, scary kind of growl.
<br>
<br>
As I am screaming 'help me' the police man is very worried for me and says 'mate I'm trying to help you what have you taken??', The entity takes over and says in that growly voice 'Elllll Essssssss Deeeeeeeee' and does an evil laugh and starts spitting. An ambulance arrives and the paramedic flashes his light in my eyes and says 'nup hes gone' and injects me with (what I think was) 30ml of valium they wait and the entity still struggles against the police.. another shot and I'm out.
<br>
<br>
In the ambulance all I can remember is that I said 'hello bob' to the paramedic because I still believed I had amazing psychic powers. I wake up and I am in a small concrete room I am chained to a chair I am watching myself but I'm not really in control of my body, the entity has control. Surrounding me are high ranking military personnel in front of me is an Intelligence Officer, Flying Officer, Ackland. He is questioning me about secret military codes, locations of secret installations, my knowledge of interdimensional travel and of secret technologies... the entity answers them in that sophisticated superior growl.. Having decided that I am a threat to the security of earth they decide to launch me into the sun in a nuclear missile. I am in a sealed cubicle made out of some kind of bone-coloured Carbon Fibre material there doesnt appear to be any seams, very strong it is just bigger than a coffin, there are strange symbols and diagrams inside it... there is an alarm going off and a countdown... I can hear the tallies for the end of the world counting down... almost in sync with the rocket launch count down. The count down loops and loops for the remainder of the night... Destroy/Create/Destroy/Create forever
<br>
<br>
I wake up again and I am in the hospital arms handcuffed behind me two security guards on a 24 hour vigil making sure I dont run away. I look at my clothes and shoes on the floor they see me looking and fold their arms and puff up... I laugh and say 'rightio then'. As soon as they see I'm awake a nurse comes with a huge needle/syringe and I squirm away and say 'holy fuck!' and she grabs my arm and says 'thats right, holy fuck' and injects me, she looks at me like 'you fucking little tripper'. Dad comes he has a sad look in his eye. I say sorry and that I love him, and I look at my arm and pull out an IV line and blood starts to spurt out and I say 'oh no' but when he looks at my arm and says 'what??' it stops.. I say 'oh dont worry you dont want to know'
<br>
<br>
Thats it..all I had to do then was sign out and I was fine. The Ambulance cost $180, I had severe rash marks and bite marks all over my body. Two bite marks that could have been a spider bite on my face and my neck.
<br>
<br>
I still use psychedelics and it has taken me AGES to integrate what happened. I'm sorry if it is too jumbled to understand.. there was no easy way to explain what happened. One of the only Level 5 trips I have had, the others being 5-Me0-DMT and Salvia.
<br>
<br>
*The following is the information I received from the entity and why it was so angry*
<br>
<br>
The Entities Story
<br>
<br>
Now the information was becoming clearer from this 'entity' I was receiving/becoming. I/this Entity was once the SUM AWARENESS of a vast amount of time/space. This Awareness was one of a group of Awarenesses which together formed the AWARENESS OF CREATION (what some people call GOD). This entity, at the beginning of all creation, had seen that sometime in the distant future, Earth would host a civilsation that would develop such advanced technology it would threaten the very fabric of the universe. This entity so loved its part of creation that it couldnt bear to lose anything and decided to try to destroy the Earth.
<br>
<br>
So this entity went to the Earth and attempted to seduce Her so that he could bind her power to him and control earth's destiny, the Earth spirit was enamoured and agreed to sexual union with the entity (celestial beings have sex too, though on a much different level than we can understand). As this was happening the Awareness who was overlord of Earth (My girlfriend 'K') and a good friend of the entities stepped in and alerted the other Awarenesses as to what was happening. Together as CREATION they decided that what the entity was trying to do was against the law of Creation and banished him to the earth to incarnate as a human being until the end of creation. Little did I know that all awarenesses will incarnate on earth before long...<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 1999</td><td width="90">ExpID: 20224</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 4, 2005</td><td>Views: 62,088</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=20224&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=20224&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Entities / Beings (37), Train Wrecks &amp; Trip Disasters (7), Hospital (36)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1.25 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">150 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Introductions
<br>
<br>
W: A new friend and housemate, an overall well intentioned and fun guy to hang out with. W has only tripped once before, on a half 8th of shrooms. Supposedly during this trip he freaked out and ran for 6 miles down some railroad tracks. So tonight, wanting to trip again, but hoping for less of a mind-rape nonetheless he decided on about 16mg of 2C-I.
<br>
<br>
T: Another new friend. His experience with psychedelics is limited, but he takes the psychedelic experience very seriously. T had managed to get a hold of two and a half of the reputably strong 'fly' blotters that now seem to be flooding the northeast US. By my estimates these are 2 to 3 times as strong as the 'fractals' that everyone was so excited about during the summer jam band tours. T would be eating 1.25 flies.
<br>
<br>
S: My girlfriend, soul mate, and true love. After a short breakup we got back together only a few days ago. Her psychedelic experience is close to mine. She would also be taking about 16mg of 2C-I.
<br>
<br>
Me: The last two months of my life have been loveless chaos, going through the motions of everyday life. I am experienced with enough psychedelics that I don't need to list them. I have taken LSD twice before, but never anything nearly as strong as these 'flies' would turn out to be. I had very high hopes for this night, and my mindset was excellent. I was ready for anything from a trippy buzz to rebirth. I would be eating 1.25 fly blotters.
<br>
<br>
The Experience of a Lifetime
<br>
<br>
Around 7:15pm we all took our doses. While waiting to come up we chilled in my dorm room and listened to some tunes. After about 15 minutes I swallowed my blotter and could already feel the familiar tingle. We put a DVD in my computer with all the Smashing Pumpkin music videos, and we watched a few of them. By the third music video I was already paying equal attention to the vibrant and changing colors of everything in the room.
<br>
<br>
We decided we'd all had enough music videos and I went to use the bathroom. I walked out of my room and into a hallway of ever-changing pastel colors. My first attempt to open the bathroom door failed as the doorknob bent out of reach at the last second. I grabbed it and walked into a tile and glass funhouse. Rainbow patterns were sliding across the tile floor as paint was dripping down the door. Already I was amazed at how visual and vibrant the trip had become, and it was just over half an hour since I dropped.
<br>
<br>
I got back to the room and we all decided to go for a walk. I suggested we walk to the sunken gardens, an outdoor mini-ampitheater of sorts surrounded by modern art sculpture, and in a very secluded part of campus. As soon as we stepped outside I noticed that the air quality was vastly superior to the air quality in my room. I also felt like I was about 10 feet tall, and floating above the ground. I was able to walk normally, save a few times when I stopped dead in my tracks to ask 'where are we going?' On the walk to the sunken gardens S and T had begun tripping, while W was feeling the 2C-I's energy and euphoria, but not really the psychedelic effects yet. We walked down the long secluded driveway to the gardens running back and forth across the road creating a 4-person weave.
<br>
<br>
We finally got there and I had no idea that the sunken gardens could be so alive and chaotic. Light was strobing over the grass and structures like some kind of trippy spotlight. Every sound was amplified to such an extreme that I thought cars driving down a road far off through the woods were right next to me. I lay down on the grass and closed my eyes only to melt into the earth below me and witness the most complex, detailed, crisp, and colorful CEV's I've ever seen. I can't really describe it, but if you've seen some really trippy and complex art before, it might be something like that. Except imagine it being alive, and having deep meaning.
<br>
<br>
By this time S was having the most intense psychedelic experience of her life as well. She was flooded with visuals from the 2C-I and seemed to be handling the intensity of it very well. W was standing below a tree that T had climbed, and now was apparently stuck in. After some time, T got down, to his great relief. T then went behind some bushes. W asked him what was going on and T said he had become the tree, and was feeling the needs of the tree. I was observing all this from my point of view, which was laying down on the ground next to a stone wall. I saw a shadow in the stone wall turn into a man and walk away. Curiously, without even mentioning this, S said she saw a shadow turn into a man and climb a tree near the wall.
<br>
<br>
W really wanted to move on, so we decided to go down to the boat house by the lake, and maybe take a walk along the railroad tracks right next to it. In order to do this, we would likely encounter some heavy foot traffic, since we would have to walk down the main road that goes through campus for a while. Well, as long as we kept going and don't get distracted along the way, I guessed that would be allright.
<br>
<br>
Yeah right. We made it about 100 feet before we encountered the weirdest tree ever. It was shaped like a mushroom and had no leaves and weird droopy branches. It seemed to be growing, and when I walked towards it, it moved towards me as well. This surprised me and I dodged the tree just to make sure it couldn't grab me. I spent a few moments admiring the bright and growing grass next to my feet, and then noticed that T was using one of the pieces of modern art sculpture as some kind of ergonomically designed seat. We all thought this was halarious, until we realized that the art didn't seem to be holding his weight very well. Anyway, we kept moving and got up to the main road. When we passed by my house I decided it would be a good idea to carry some water and herb with us, since I planned on staying down by the tracks for a while.
<br>
<br>
We crossed it up and went inside where many of my housemates were sober and watching a movie. I went upstairs to fill up my water bottle, and then went into my room to collect myself and rest for the journey ahead. I sat down in my chair, put on some Sound Tribe Sector 9, and closed my eyes. Soon afterwards I felt another presence enter the room, and I watched our energies intertwine. I opened my eyes and said 'Wow'... T was sitting right in front of me. I hadn't heard him come in but somehow I could feel his energy there. I told him what happened and he seemed to understand. Soon enough everyone had come up to my room, and we were chilling up there listening to music for a while until we remembered that we had intended to go down to the boat house. I grabbed a Butterfinger, opened it, and stared at the shimmery butter-brittle after breaking off a piece for T. It took me about 10 minutes to take the first bite, meanwhile we had all forgotten our intentions to go down to the boathouse again. There was so much involved in the experience of taking a bite of a Butterfinger that it was pretty intense, and not something to be taken lightly.
<br>
<br>
Somehow we ended up outside behind the house, slowly getting back on our way. S was tripping hard (and looked absolutely beautiful), T thought he had broken his sweatshirt and was in tears, and W was cracking up at the halarity of it all. I still had only taken one bite of my Butterfinger. I asked S to hold it for me. After I gave it to her I said 'That Butterfinger had become a burden.' Apparently this the was the most halarious thing any of us had ever heard because the whole campus could have heard us all laughing behind the house for a solid five minutes.
<br>
<br>
We walked back up to the street, and there were some cars coming so I waited to cross. Apparently not long enough though, because I stepped out only to realize that there was one more car coming and stopped dead in my tracks in the middle of the road to let the final car pass.
<br>
<br>
Across the street, we walked along the lake and saw a couple of girls carrying a sign and a large stuffed dog. They were campaigning for the stuffed dog to be mayor, and obviously rolling so I stopped to chat with them. I ended up having an interesting chat and getting a hookup for rolls. Not bad!
<br>
<br>
Soon enough a huge crowd was heading our way down the sidewalk seemingly out of nowhere. W was finally starting to trip (the 2C-I took forever to hit him completely) and he got a little freaked out by the crowd. S and I stood there exchanging nods with the people in this huge group of party-crashers as they walked by. T got distracted talking to someone in the crowd, and we lost him for a few minutes. When we found him seemed pretty disoriented, so we walked down the path to the boathouse.
<br>
<br>
Along the path, as we passed by a few other students smoking bowls, I noticed how good I physically felt compared to just about every other psychedelic. My stomach felt a bit tight, but not to the point where it became a distraction. Otherwise, I felt like I was walking on air. We got down to the boathouse and walked out on to the floating segmented dock. We all laid down on the dock and felt the waves below us. I felt like I was melting in to the water as I closed my eyes and enjoyed the serenity of it all. With my eyes closed, complex psychedelic visual stories took place. With my eyes open, the stars above would dart about freely in the night sky. We spent a good amount of time sitting out by the boathouse enjoying the warm breeze blowing over the water. I sat there with S resting her head on my lap, and she looked absolutely beautiful. After a few moments though, her face began to morph into some frightening and contorted distortions. Inside of each of her eyes was a burning fire. I wondered what it meant, but decided not to dwell on it.
<br>
<br>
After a while we decided to go for a walk down the railroad tracks. On the way there I saw creatures with glowing eyes looking at me from the brush on the side of the tracks. I mentioned this to S, who said that the creatures were friendly. Good enough for me.
<br>
<br>
Soon we came to a fire pit between the train tracks and the lake. W stepped out into the water, holding his hands up in the air in the direction that the wind was coming from. I watched his spirit extend out from behind his body. By this point I was finally ready to smoke a bowl, now almost 6 hours after having dosed. But we realized that we didn't have a bowl to smoke out of, so we decided to head back to my room. On the way back there were lots of kids sitting out on the boat house deck. W and T are sailors, so they yelled 'Get the fuck off the boathouse!' and 'Security!', and threw a few pebbles towards the kids. Basically being dicks, but we all cracked up uncontrolably after that.
<br>
<br>
We got back to my room and smoked a bowl. After this my trip came back almost full force (although it hadn't worn down significantly anyway). T went to Erowid's art gallerys and we looked at psychedelic art for about an hour.
<br>
<br>
I have never looked at art that way before! Not only were the images coming out of my monitor in three dimensions, often levitating inches away from the screen, but every part of the art was constantly growing, pulsating, and changing with infinitely more detail than sober eyes could ever behold. In each piece of art there were thousands of stories to be told, and I could follow the progress of each living piece of art through the image. It was absolutely beautiful.
<br>
<br>
I went to use the bathroom again, and once again entered a glass and tile funhouse. I stared at my face in the mirror and watched it morph for a while. Then, somehow, the image in the mirror became another 'me'. I realized I was looking at myself in the mirror from the perspective of everyone else. Normally, I think I must seem a bit odd to other people, but I realized that I am to everyone else as they are to me.
<br>
<br>
W had decided to wander off on his own, as his trip was still going full force (since it took so long to kick in for whatever reason). T hadn't slept in two full days, and his trip seemed to be wearing down so he called it quits as well. Now it was just me and S, and we were both still tripping fairly hard.
<br>
<br>
What took place during the next two hours was the most incredible and perfect love that has ever been made between two people. Words can't describe how amazing it was, nor would I want to try. I will say it was the most passion and the best sex we've had in the almost three years that we've been together, and our bond is closer now than ever because of it.
<br>
<br>
Afterwards we laid in bed talking. I was amazed that I was still tripping, and said that if this were any other time I would love to trip like I was tripping right now, but by this point (around 4:00am) I was physically exhausted. The 2C-I was still keeping S awake. Likewise, the CEV's that consisted of complex and random chain-reaction Dali-esque machines were keeping me awake. So we stayed up talking, and generally confusing each other, cracking up frequently until finally exhaustion won the battle and I drifted off to sleep around 5:00am, almost 10 hours after having dosed.
<br>
<br>
Retrospection
<br>
<br>
What I experienced last night was indeed the perfect trip. I am amazed at the power of LSD to provide such a full, complex, beautiful, and important trip. I believe LSD is indeed the holy grail of psychedelics, and I can easily see why this chemical is considered by far to be the most important psychedelic in modern history. Please do not take LSD if you are looking for eye candy and a buzz; take LSD if you are ready to have your mind blown in ways you never imagined possible.
<br>
<br>
Let it flow!<!-- End Body -->
<br><br style="clear:both;">
<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2003</td><td width="90">ExpID: 46841</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Oct 20, 2005</td><td>Views: 20,364</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=46841&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=46841&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
[ <a href="#" onclick="expChangeColors(); return false;">Switch Colors</a> ]
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Nature / Outdoors (23), Mystical Experiences (9), Glowing Experiences (4), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
</div> |
<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">1.25 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(blotter / tab)</b></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
<tr>
<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">150 lb</td>
</tr>
</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
Pre-Trip Musings
<br>
<br>
Friday night I was at a keg party, tossing back some beers and having a pretty good time, when my friend Nick approached me and asked if I wanted to take acid on Sunday. Initially, I was unsure. Among the many considerations I had to take in to account was the fact that I didn't exactly feel like taking LSD. Since there have been times when I felt like doing LSD pretty frequently (and did so) I thought I might as well give my poor battered brain a break from psychedelics as long as I don't feel the urge to trip.
<br>
<br>
And the fact that he wanted to take LSD was another concern. First, I only had a little bit of blotter stashed away and it was damn good stuff so I was going to save it for a summer festival, or maybe a candyflip with my girlfriend.
<br>
<br>
I did happen to have a little bit of 2C-E that I hadn't had a chance to properly trip on yet (I had tasted 3-4mg, which didn't do anything positive for me). So, because I was honored that of all people Nick had asked me to be the one to trip with him, I told him that I would certainly be there with him, and almost certainly take a psychedelic with him that night, although it would most likely not be LSD.
<br>
<br>
Now, I've tripped with Nick a few times over the past few years... a few times on DXM, a couple times on morning glory seeds, once or twice on shrooms, and a couple times on LSD. For the most part, though, he doesn't trip very often at all and stays away from nasty drugs. I basically turned him on to LSD earlier this year and now it seems to be by far his favorite drug. These days I am pretty picky about who I trip with and the environment I trip in. Luckily Nick had not yet been crossed off my list of people I like to trip with, or else I would have had to make up some excuse why I couldn't do it ... Another factor that made me choose to trip with Nick is the fact that he is an exceedingly smart guy and is earnestly interested in finding answers to the 'big questions' posed by the introduction of a psychedelic drug to one's mind. In other words, he approaches psychedelics with respect, which is something I try to do. Especially with LSD, because of the many psychedelics I've tried, LSD is by far my favorite and has brought me the deepest, most relevant experiences. So I try not to fuck with that.
<br>
<br>
Let's Trip
<br>
<br>
Sunday afternoon came along and I wondered how much 2C-E I would eat. But then Nick came over and opened up a bit of tin foil containing about 1.25 squares of purple blotter. Mmmmmm LSD.... so of course I had to open up my own little bit of foil which contained my own tiny stash of the very same purple blotter (which had been stored not-really airtight and room temperature for the last 3 months). These blotters were really of top quality - I had eaten just 1 a few months back and had a very colorful +++ trip, although that particular trip was a bit too hectic for my tastes because there were so many people tripping at my place that night and I was worried about drawing any unwanted attention.
<br>
<br>
Anyway it took me about 10 seconds of staring at my blotter before I decided I should definitely take LSD and save the 2C-E for another time.
<br>
<br>
Since Nick had 1.25 blotters left, which happened to be about 40% more LSD than he'd ever tasted before, I decided to dose the same amount. After we each drank a big glass of red wine we took our doses. I noticed that Nick had eaten 1 blotter and left the .25 blotter bit in his foil.
<br>
<br>
'Hey, you forgot some!'
<br>
'Yeah... I don't know...''
<br>
'What are you going to do, waste it? That's the last of your acid so you better eat it now... plus that little bit could make all the difference.'
<br>
<br>
I actually had no idea that the extra sliver of blotter paper would make the big difference that it did.
<br>
<br>
Stage 1: The Rocket Ride
<br>
<br>
After we dosed we spent some time looking at funny web sites and listening to Sound Tribe. We both noticed the faint metallic taste in our mouth that LSD always seems to bring. The come-up was happening fast, in stark contrast to the long, gradual come-up I experienced with this LSD last time. Nick seemed to be coming along about five minutes behind me.
<br>
<br>
The first things we noticed were a mood lift and a lowered threshold for breaking out into laughter. Right after this, I was getting kind of fidgity as I felt the rushes of restless energy start to flow through me. This felt somewhat like amphetamine, but my thoughts and actions were far more scattered. We kept looking at funny web sites because there isn't much else to do while you're waiting for a trip to kick in. Also I was a little nervous about people coming around during the trip, and I'm sure Nick was a bit anxious about tripping in general, so it was something to take our mind off the come-up.
<br>
<br>
Not half an hour after putting the LSD on my tongue I was getting visuals. The floor was shifting in segments, just a little at first but quickly increasing. Wood grain began to flow, and soon I could make out the faint neon-yellow-electric ora which seems to enervate off objects on LSD.
<br>
<br>
Around this time one of my friends who knew I was tripping that night sent me an instant message:
<br>
<br>
'the electric yellow has you by the BRAIN BANANA haha'
<br>
<br>
We both thought that was pretty funny, and then started thinking about it and realized it was pretty much an accurate statement. The restless, almost nervous energy was building and sitting at my computer became too intense. Now, I've experienced this restless LSD-energy plenty of times before and I know there are basically two options: First, there is the option to allow yourself to bounce off the walls and get wrapped up in a whirlwind trip. Some people routinely choose this option, but I personally find much greater value in the alternative. The second option is to channel all this energy, learn to control it, and to direct it throughout your body. I find that I can direct the majority of this energy into the palms of my hands, and by sitting cross-legged I can enter a state of deep relaxation.
<br>
<br>
And I would personally prefer to be deeply relaxed than to be jittery, tense, and without focus.
<br>
<br>
I guess Nick hadn't yet figured out how to control this energy because as the trip was getting stronger he started wandering around and looking fairly confused. I have a lot of faith in LSD's intent, so to speak, so unless somebody is obviously distraught or having a truly bad trip I tend to let them work out their own issues while tripping, so I didn't intervene as he wandered off in apparent confusion. Besides, forming sentences was becoming difficult and I was really in no position to be a trip sitter.
<br>
<br>
Now I was alone in my room, and the Sound Tribe was starting to sound a bit too repetitive and 'electronic' for me. So I switched to The Breakfast, starting at the first track of one of my favorite live shows. Ahh, much better. I closed my eyes to check out the CEVs, because 15 minutes ago there had been none, and I was amazed by the beautiful waves of technicolor which flowed around in infinite 3D space behind my eyelids. As each psychedelic wave washed over me I felt a feeling of peace that I have only experienced a handful of times on LSD.
<br>
<br>
After a few minutes I broke my trance and opened my eyes to see that everything was breathing, flowing, and patterning very nicely. My eyes were also playing tricks on me. For example, I kept thinking I saw somebody walk by the entrance of my room out of the corner of my eyes, and then I would quickly look and nobody was there. This happened a few times and I decided it was probably because I didn't know what Nick was up to, so I went to check on him. He was downstairs watching TV, which seemed really strange to me. He said something like, 'TV is good'. At the time I thought his trip must not have been that interesting for him, and watching TV was just about the last thing I felt like doing, so I went back upstairs and got lost in my thoughts for a while.
<br>
<br>
Next thing I knew it was probably half an hour later, because I had been so absorbed in deep thought and surfing the cosmic peace-waves in my mind that I didn't really know what was going on around me. I wouldn't say this was a result of a dissolving ego... I was just extremely relaxed and in a very groovy state of mind. Dispite my relaxed state I noticed my body was a bit tense and my heartrate was elevated (though not to a distracting degree) but I didn't dwell on that.
<br>
<br>
I decided it was time for a change of scenery, so I went over to my girlfriend's room which is brightly decorated with nice tapestries, colorful lights, and is generally a pretty sweet environment to be in while tripping.
<br>
<br>
Nick happened to be in her room too, still seeming very confused and asking my girlfriend stuff like, 'You're sober, right?', and frequently asking me, 'How long ago did we eat that?' For a while I could not answer his questions about time because though I was pretty sure what time we ate the acid, and I was pretty sure what the numbers on the clock read, for some reason my brain would not do the simple math needed to answer the question. My concept of time was totally out of whack. Eventually I realized that it had only been about three hours since we had dropped the acid, even though it felt much longer.
<br>
<br>
So I spent some time with Nick and my girlfriend basically hanging out. My girl has taken her share of LSD and psychedelics and she did an awesome job putting out a positive vibe during our time spent with her, even though she was worried that Nick had gotten in over his head.
<br>
<br>
Stage 2: A Spiritual Cleansing
<br>
<br>
Pretty soon she left to cook some dinner and I laid down on her bed while Nick laid down on her floor below the bed. During this time the rough edges of the come-up had smoothed out and I seemed to have settled into an intense, but comfortable plateau.
<br>
<br>
The visuals were absolutely stunning. I have had more outrageous hallucinations in the past, but the beauty of what I saw that night was unmatched. In addition, as with past LSD trips, the visuals I experienced were deeply symbolic and directly linked to my thoughts and feelings. The razor-sharp and crystal-clarity of my thoughts during this period was a complete contradiction of stereotypical impressions of LSD as a drug which has a huge mindfuck. While it certainly is true that under the wrong circumstances, LSD can be a confusing mental funhouse-from-hell. But I was so deep in the groove and in such a state of beautiful calm that my internal dialogue was as clear as it would be if I were sober...
<br>
<br>
... as clear, yes. The same? Hell no! But back to those visuals...
<br>
<br>
I was watching the ceiling for a while because it was so fascinating. It had a rough stucco texture and segments of the ceiling would crawl, lift up, float away, and change colors quite dramatically. While this was happening I was aware of the walls changing colors, patterns forming on the walls and all kinds of objects, and the lamp in front of me (which has five bulbs, all different colors and pointing in different directions) moving around quite freely. I noticed an aloe plant on top of a shelf which was planted inside a nice piece of pottery. The leaves/branches of the aloe plant were in motion like tentacles of an octopus under water and in my mind this plant took the form of LSD. I wouldn't go so far to say it was an entity, but it did take the representative form of the parts of my mind that were under the control of the drug.
<br>
<br>
This aloe plant then seemed to mediate between my visuals and myself, both directing the visuals (because it was the LSD) and assigning meaning to them. Immediately after this I noticed that some segments of the ceiling would blur, regardless of my attempts to focus on them, and then these segments would violently shake, before finally the other normal segments (if you could call them normal, they were still squirming around and changing colors quite dramatically) would overtake these messed up segments. Very quickly it became obvious to me what was occuring. These segments represented parts of myself; some which were pure and some which were impure. As a segment of the ceiling began to blur and vibrate, I thought about what aspect of me that might be, and when I realized what it was (sometimes thanks to the aloe plant) it would be overtaken.
<br>
<br>
I was witnessing a war between good and evil in my own brain and it seemed like the good was kicking some serious ass. Then this very thought seemed absurd to me, for the aloe plant seemed to be telling me that 'of course the good always wins'.
<br>
<br>
When there were no more impure segments of ceiling left to be flushed out I looked back at the aloe plant just in time to see a translucent spiral coming out of the plant and heading towards me. At the very instant that spiral touched me I felt my spirit being quickly scrubbed down, as if the aloe plant was giving me a final spot-clean. This happened almost instantaneously, and in my mind there was no doubt about what was going on. When it was finished I felt totally pure and clean, and even more relaxed than before.
<br>
<br>
It's a Long Way Down
<br>
<br>
Though the visuals were still stunning, I felt there was no more need to stare at things. I heard The Breakfast playing from my room and thought it sounded pretty sweet, so I left Nick laying on the floor (he hadn't budged) and went over to my room and laid on my bed. I probably spent 45 minutes listening to the music, feeling that every note was perfect, and watching the visuals behind my eyelids react to the sound.
<br>
<br>
After a while my girlfriend came into my room and laid down on the bed beside me. We talked about the evening, how my trip was going so far, and how Nick was doing. I felt that I was starting to come down slightly, and after talking to her for a little while I said I'd go down and eat some food because I realized I was very hungry (LSD always makes me really hungry at some point during the trip, plus I hadn't eaten much that day).
<br>
<br>
So I wandered downstairs, looked at the food, and then wandered back upstairs without eating. I went back upstairs because I wanted a sweatshirt, but once I got back upstairs I felt like staying there. So I listened to music some more, spent some time looking at my feet and thinking that feet take a lot of bullshit compared to other parts of the body.
<br>
<br>
Then my neighbor came by and I gave him some pot to smoke. He also ended up smoking a little DMT he had, which was a pretty halarious process. I was pretty much coherent by this point but still tripping at about 50% intensity of the peak. This ended up taking a while, and then I wandered over to my girl's room to see her and Nick watching Ice Age on DVD.
<br>
<br>
About half-way through Ice Age I guess Nick started remembering who he was. Apparently he experienced complete ego loss and that's why he was watching TV... to relearn how to be human. And apparently he was even further gone than I thought he was for quite a while. Luckily my girlfriend is awesome and she chilled with him through rough times he had when his life, memories, and humanity slipped away from him.
<br>
<br>
When he came back to reality he seemed overwhelmed by the intensity of the experience he just had, and was amazed how strong the experience was and how much difference that extra 1/4 tab of LSD made. To be honest I didn't expect to trip as hard as I did either! But LSD doesn't seem to demolish my ego so much as let me pick it apart and toss out the parts I don't like, at least at the doses I've taken. Mushrooms, on the other hand, have a tendency to tear my ego to shreds. I find this is only useful once every long while, so I much prefer to work with LSD.
<br>
<br>
After that we drank a little wine, ate some food, watched Beavis and Butthead, and chilled out, both of us in awe of the power of LSD.
<br>
<br>
I got to sleep around 4:30am (12 hours after dropping, which is pretty good for me), got a solid 7 hours of sleep, and woke up feeling great the next day.
<br>
<br>
LSD remains my #1 psychedelic ally... and it never ceases to amaze me. My dose felt like 100ug, maybe slightly higher (1.25 tabs from lavender crystal). Keep in mind that my friend Nick is sensitive to acid, and I tend to get a lot of mileage out of relatively low doses of LSD too. So your mileage may vary. But, when I hear people say it takes more to get much in the way of visuals, that pretty much just cracks me up :)<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2005</td><td width="90">ExpID: 46857</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Nov 4, 2005</td><td>Views: 39,182</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=46857&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=46857&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">LSD (2) : General (1), Glowing Experiences (4), Mystical Experiences (9), Small Group (2-9) (17)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
</table>
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<div class="report-text-surround">
<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="right" border="0">
<tr><td></td><td width="15"> </td></tr>
</table>
<!-- DoseChart -->
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#224422" class="dosechart">
<tr>
<td width="90" align="right">DOSE:<br></td>
<td width="90" class="dosechart-amount" align="center">2 hits</td>
<td class="dosechart-method" align="center">oral</td>
<td class="dosechart-substance"><a href="/chemicals/lsd/">LSD</a></td>
<td class="dosechart-form"><b>(gel tab)</b></td>
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<br>
<table border="2" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" bordercolor="#444455" class="bodyweight">
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<td width="110" class="bodyweight-title">BODY WEIGHT:</td>
<td width="80" class="bodyweight-amount">150 lb</td>
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</table>
<br><br>
<!-- End DoseChart -->
<!-- Start Body -->
This, the most anticipated trip of the summer, was a real let down in a lot of ways.
<br>
<br>
Pre-Trip Introductions and Ramblings
<br>
<br>
The trip that was about to take place was planned perfectly, and everyone was super excited. The trippers would be myself, my girlfriend, and my old friends Kara and Jake.
<br>
<br>
Kara had asked me if I could 'hook her up' with acid for about a year now, and it just so happened that I finally had a little bit to share. She had only taken LSD once before, a couple years ago, and she recalled this experience fondly so I was excited to share the experience with her once again.
<br>
<br>
I had tripped with Jake before. Once, at a Phish show where he sort of wandered off, so we didn't actually trip together, and then once again just about a month ago when we ate some fantastic mushrooms and I lost my ego in the woods. This trip had revealed a few personality traits about Jake that made me a little uncomfortable, but I had a great time nonetheless. Regardless, I invited him to trip with us to return the favor. Additionally, he had never taken LSD before, and I was excited to show him why I considered LSD the best psychedelic drug.
<br>
<br>
And of course there was my girlfriend Psilosara. Some of you who frequent this forum, and inevitably end up reading some of the many trip reports I write, are probably familiar with her. She is my one love, my grounding force, and she also likes to take LSD. Why not bring her along too?
<br>
<br>
Myself? Well, I'd eaten some LSD from this same batch just a couple weeks before at a friend's apartment. As I already knew, the LSD was of good quality. I'll admit my frame of mind has been out of whack lately. I haven't been spending much time at home, I've had anxiety attacks followed by deep depression, and I only have sporatic and strange forms of employment. Basically, when I hear that Modest Mouse song 'Float On', I think, 'that's what I'm doing'.
<br>
<br>
And then there was my friend, who we'll call C-Slice. He was going to trip with us, but Kara decided the night before that C-Slice creeped her out, and she refused to trip with him. I had the pleasure of breaking this news to C-Slice, and apologizing on her behalf. It sort of pissed me off to have to do that, especially since the others just wanted to not tell him and instead tell him the wrong meeting time and place, or something. Fuck that shit, I thought, that's not how we do this. If we're going to give someone the boot, somebody's at least gotta tell him straight to his face. So I did that, and felt like an asshole doing it. Upon doing so, the seed of regret had been planted inside of me.
<br>
<br>
The Trip
<br>
<br>
So it was 12:00 noon and the four of us parked a car on the bottom of a mountain and began to walk up a steep and rocky trail to the summit, which was only about a half hour's climb, where we'd find a place to trip out. At the bottom of the trail I gave everyone two microdots, except myself. I ate an extra large mutant microdot which looked like it was two normal microdots fused together.
<br>
<br>
We climbed this trail, and it was really hot out so we were all drenched in sweat by the time we reached the top. The actual top of the hill was a good couple hundred feet off the trail, so we decided we'd claim the top of the hill for our own, as it should prove to be a secluded and scenic location.
<br>
<br>
Sitting around, over the next couple of hours I observed my friends display the early signs of a trip setting in. A little bit of extra laughter here, a little bit of extra attention paid to a bit of moss there, and some muscle twitches over there. Of course I was already feeling the complex tryptamine surging through me. My hands were shaking a bit more than usual and I could feel the energy surging through my arms. My stomach had tightened just a bit, but nothing uncomfortable or really distracting.
<br>
<br>
Jake had brought a guitar up with him, and we took turns playing it as our trips set in. About two hours after dropping, I noticed some visuals like rocks breathing and patterns forming in the nature around us. Jake and Kara seemed a bit impatient, but I assured them there was another two hours to peak. This particular LSD seems to hit people a little later than a blotter does, most likely because of its microdot form. I dunno, it just does. So we walked around and explored our surroundings, talked about weird subject matter, and enjoyed stretching and feeling the wind blowing over the hill.
<br>
<br>
Fast forward three hours, and we are all peaking. At this point I feel like I need a change of scenery, and suggest going for a walk. I know the trails around this area well, and I know there are some particularly nice areas only a few minutes away. Why not explore rather than sitting in the same place for the entire day?
<br>
<br>
It was not just this particular spot that was getting to me. It was Jake. I thought I could barely stand to listen to him brag about how much ganja he sells one more time. 'It's not about the money.' Yeah, riiiight. Furthermore, I was tried of listening to him dominate the conversation by constantly changing the topic to something which allowed him to show off how well traveled he is and what a deep thinker he considers himself.
<br>
<br>
Furthermore, whenever I couldn't give a shit about what he was talking about, and spent a few moments looking around at nature or thinking to myself, he would direct his conversation at me. Of course I wouldn't know what he was talking about because I stopped listening, and then he would say something like, 'BD is zoning out again,' or 'It's okay, just go back into your own little world.' Then he would look to Kara and my own girlfriend of almost four years for some sort of reinforcement for this condescending behavior.
<br>
<br>
Normally I would have said, 'My own little world? What the fuck are you talking about kid... my own little world doesn't revolve around listening to your verbal masturbation. That's right, poking this rock with this stick is exponentially more interesting than you. Put your fucking shirt back on and get over yourself.'
<br>
<br>
But as many of you know, tension on LSD must be avoided at all costs. Especially at the peak of a trip, and with nowhere to go besides this hill top for the next several hours. So, feeling absolutely no need to explain myself, I said nothing. While there was a thunderhead slowly gathering humidity inside my brain, I remained neutral in outward appearance.
<br>
<br>
Psilosara was rocking back and forth in her camp seat, and I wondered what she was thinking and experiencing. I could feel the tension oozing out of her, but I didn't ask her for three reasons. First, I no longer felt like I was in the company of trusted friends, and any conversation I was to have with her, I wanted to be private. Second, I am always very respectful of people's rights not to reveal their thoughts, especially in front of other people, until they are ready to do so. I wish people would extend me this courtesy more often. Third, every time I looked at her or tried to start conversation, she was focused on the shirtless wonder boy. I thought it was strange that I could hardly make eye contact with her without her eyes darting towards this source of constant annoyance.
<br>
<br>
Anyway, Jake decided to roll a spliff (weed/tobacco), and I felt it was late enough in the trip for me to smoke. I took probably 8 or 10 drags from the spliff, and instantly my trip went from a high ++ to a +++.
<br>
<br>
And instantly my heartrate shot up from slightly elevated, as is normal under the influence of LSD, to VERY elevated and beating extra hard. I became hypersensitive to all my physical functions and it made me very anxious. FUCK. I've been here before. And now I'm back here again. I did this shit to myself and now I have to deal with a hyperactive heart for the next hour... two... three? I'm seriously amazed my heart puts up with this shit.
<br>
<br>
No, I didn't think I would die or have a heart attack. I've had a few panic attacks on weed, and one particularly nasty one on weed + DXM, where I did think I was going to have a heart attack. Apparently my heart can take it, but there's no way to calm yourself down when your heart is beating way faster and harder than normal. Of course the buzz focused itself into my left arm where it took on the feeling of a numb left arm. I'm no stranger to such psychosomaticism. I willed the buzz to focus in my right arm, and then move up to my mind. I've trained myself to do this.
<br>
<br>
Then I lay back and crossed my arms over my chest. This is to prevent confusion between my actual heart rate and the frequency of the tryptamine buzz, which is a bit faster than my actual heart rate and can be confused for a heart rate if I am not monitoring it. Maybe you think if I just ignore it, I'll calm down and it will slow down. No. However I can slow it down somewhat by focusing on the beats and gradually imagining that my heart is beating slower than it actually is.
<br>
<br>
During this time I couldn't have cared less about what was going on around me, except for Psilosara sitting to my left. She knew what was happening and put her hand on my chest for a moment, and as she did my heart calmed down to a level I could cope with.
<br>
<br>
But like I said my trip had elevated significantly since I smoked the spliff. I stared up at the trees and saw that each one was glowing brightly against the sky. The clouds were constantly shifting and changing shapes. The trees, however, were taunting me. I wanted to stop looking at trees, I was sick of all these damn trees, but no matter where I looked there were trees. I tried closing my eyes but the CEVs were not pleasing to look at. So I stared at the trees and made the entire forest turn into a fractal pattern. Well, that's cool, I guess.
<br>
<br>
Then I heard Jake mention something about me being in my own world, zoning out looking at the tree tops. I harnessed my negative energy and directed it in a beam right at him. 'I want you to feel what I am feeling!'
<br>
<br>
Right after that, to my great satisfaction, he appeared to be struck by the intensity of the trip. He laid back and stared at the tree tops himself. Up until this point I felt he had showed little appreciation for the LSD which I had worked hard to obtain for him, saying things like, 'I tripping, I guess.' and complaining about the lack of visuals right after being convinced that a stick in the dirt was a snake about to attack him, and also right after mentioning that the whole world looks like its being seen through a trippy filter.
<br>
<br>
Stuff like that really makes me want to keep my stash to myself. (not that I have a stash anymore)
<br>
<br>
After a while of intense thoughts, including some messed up thought loops which I managed to wrestle my way out of, I was ready to move around and get up. My heartrate was still very elevated but not any more than if I had just smoked a bunch of pot. So we began playing a mobile frisbee game. See, most of our throws were pretty good but pretty often we'd ricochet off a tree or throw it in the totally wrong direction, so the frisbee would land away from us. Then we'd just move our game to where the frisbee landed, and so on. This went on for some time, until our game ended up moving too far down the hill and we were attacked by deer flies and mosquitoes. We realized that we were pretty much trapped on the top of our hill, as the bugs were really starting to come out.
<br>
<br>
What is there to say about the rest of the trip? Coming down was a long, drawn out process. We were stuck up on the hilltop until almost 10:00pm because we didn't want to return to civilization (or anybody's house while their parents were still around, as we weren't near anyone's apartment at the time).
<br>
<br>
So we made a fire and fed it for quite some time, sitting around with little left to say and nothing left to do. At one point I asked Psilosara if she wanted to join me for a walk, hoping we could discuss things in private and enjoy a change of setting. She refused, saying that she didn't want to split up the group. I jokingly said, 'What, these kids?'... but I was dead serious. I saw no reason to give them any consideration. If Psilosara wasn't there I would have gone for a walk myself, and probably not come back.
<br>
<br>
Eventually though, it was time to head back. Our original plan, which I was fond of, was to walk back down though the woods to Psilosara's house which was directly off the same trail which took us to the top of the hill, but on the other side of the hill.
<br>
<br>
So we turned on our headlamps and went down what I thought was the same way we came up, but somehow didn't run into the trail. But since I know the geography of this wooded area pretty well, I just started wandering back and forth systematically back in the direction we had missed the trail. Jake continued to piss me off by constantly questioning my navigation, and suggested we go down the hill in the completely wrong way, away from any trails at all, and tried to rally support for this, the completely wrong direction. This pissed me off because I wasn't in the mood for getting totally lost in the woods far away from any trails or roads. Fortunately Kara agreed that we should keep heading back in the direction that I was taking us. So we walked this way, but Jake jumped ahead and led us, found the trail (of course), and took credit for saving us from being lost in the woods.
<br>
<br>
Then we went to Wendy's drive through and ate chicken.
<br>
<br>
What did I learn from this?
<br>
<br>
1. Be more selective when choosing who to trip with. No more going into trips 'for other people'. Often when I trip with others my intent is for their delight, not my own. No more of that.
<br>
<br>
2. The woods do not nescessarily provide endless entertainment for a tripper.
<br>
<br>
3. People who obviously trip face and then complain about the quality/potency of the drugs can suck it.<!-- End Body -->
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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" class="footdata">
<tr><td width="700">Exp Year: 2004</td><td width="90">ExpID: 46850</td></tr>
<tr><td>Gender: Male</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Age at time of experience: Not Given</td><td> </td></tr>
<tr><td>Published: Nov 8, 2005</td><td>Views: 35,316</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" align="center">[ <a href="exp.php?ID=46850&amp;format=pdf" type="text/pdf">View as PDF (for printing)</a> ] [ <a href="exp_pdf.php?ID=46850&amp;format=latex">View as LaTeX (for geeks)</a> ]
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</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2">Cannabis (1), LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Guides / Sitters (39), Nature / Outdoors (23), Glowing Experiences (4), Bad Trips (6), Difficult Experiences (5), Combinations (3), General (1)</td></tr>
<!-- <img src="/images/new.gif" alt="May"> -->
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