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Hard Alcohol | Asked my wife where she put the hard alcohol and she told me what cabinet. I drank some and said, "Wait! This isn't hard alcohol!" Her: "Really?" Me:"Yeah it's definitely liquid." | Continue a dad joke: |
My delirious boyfriend | Boyfriend: I feel like those boots. Me: Why? Boyfriend: Ugg. | Continue a dad joke: |
At IHOP the other day | Me: "hey, how's the omelet, babe?" Me: "yeah, they usually have better jokes" | Continue a dad joke: |
I can't even watch football with him anymore. | Me "I can't stand Cam Newton." Dad "What about his brother Fig?" | Continue a dad joke: |
Every birthday my dad sees the opportunity to use this one | I can't believe i'm 50 now... Dad: What?!?! Honey, you don't look a day over 49! | Continue a dad joke: |
In response to the broken Canadian plastic bills, I present you with the actual use, according to my dad | Who needs change when you have breakable currency? | Continue a dad joke: |
The Days Go Passing By | They're just getting married! | Continue a dad joke: |
Whilst driving Sister: Hey, look at that car, it's painted camo. | Sorry, I didn't see it. | Continue a dad joke: |
When I was younger my dad would randomly tell this one | Pete and Repeat are on a boat. Pete fell off, who's left on the boat? | Continue a dad joke: |
My friend said this to his girlfriend | No you have a lymph when | Continue a dad joke: |
Dad during our Family Vacation We were getting on a plane to take a flight to Germany when this happened: | Stewardess: Welcome aboard! Dad: Actually my name is Greg, not Aboard, but thank you! | Continue a dad joke: |
Guess who's here! | After looking out the window for a bit I ask, "Guess who's here!" The kids come running to the window as I say "We are." | Continue a dad joke: |
Office Edition Coworker: Anyone have a hole punch? | Sorry, best I can do is a half-punch. | Continue a dad joke: |
"Your mom is going to have to go to prison now..." | I'm home from college and my mom was doing my laundry, which is a fantastic feeling. I accidentally left my wallet in my dirty clothes, so when my mom returned my dripping wet wallet to me, my dad said that she was trying to "wash" my problems away. | Continue a dad joke: |
Just hit my girlfriend with this one. Not even a dad but I'm preparing myself for the day. My girlfriend and I were cuddling on the couch. I put my head on her chest. | ME: Your boobs make good pillows. HER: Yea they are pretty soft. ME: Are they made of material? | Continue a dad joke: |
Got my Dad with this one | My Dad texted me asking when the show was. Dad: Date for Romeo? Me: Juliet, duh. | Continue a dad joke: |
Dad Joke in the most unexpected of places I volunteered at a Senior Citizens' Home on New Year's Day and we set up karaoke for everyone to sing along with. I sat at the back of the room with two gentlemen and a woman. I watched in awe as the man in front of me belted out his favorite tunes | "I'm 85 and I'm feeling alive, I'm still got the voice, and I'm still got the strife!" | Continue a dad joke: |
First dad joke during a movie I am watching The Shining with my girlfriend. Jack and the family are driving up to the hotel. | Oh, I must have Overlooked it. | Continue a dad joke: |
My dad had a winner last night | My wife said she wanted a new pair of diamond earrings. | Continue a dad joke: |
4 year old daughter just hit me with this one | Her: Daddy, is my nose running? Then where did it go?! | Continue a dad joke: |
Is there a mom alternative to dad jokes? | I've been curious because Mom's don't have the same taste in quality humor that dads do. The only one I can think of is dancing, but dads do that as well. | Continue a dad joke: |
Then after my dad laughed at his own joke for a minute... | Me: Do | Continue a dad joke: |
Every time someone says 'bless you' | Don't worry, I'm already blessed then just walk away | Continue a dad joke: |
I'm fairly certain my grandpa is planning on dropping a dad joke on his AA group for his 37th anniversary... | He says at age 82 and after 37 alcohol-free years, the secret is faith, honesty, and the willingness to get up early and get a senior discount! | Continue a dad joke: |
Is this guy ready for fatherhood? | Safe to say I tipped this guy. | Continue a dad joke: |
Dad joked my dad yesterday | He was assembling a new exercise bike my mum bought, and he looked like he was struggling so I asked how he was doing. He said, "it's getting there..." "I think you're doing it wrong then, it shouldn't be going anywhere," I replied. | Continue a dad joke: |
Dad dropped this one on us while at the mall | Dad: Ya know..With all this talk about inflation you think they would change the name JCPenny to JCNickel! | Continue a dad joke: |
Dad joked my girlfriend the other day. We were at McDonalds getting a coffee when she asked me to go to the separate counter and get her come sugar. | Why? You're already so sweet. | Continue a dad joke: |
My father's reaction to a 'laser hair removal' advertisement... | Well gee. If *I* had laser hairs, I'd want them removed too. | Continue a dad joke: |
My dad cracked me up today. | Was in the car with my parents, talking about what kind of cars we'd like to own. In front of us is a Mitsubishi Mirage. My mom said "I certainly wouldn't want that" and my dad drops this line "You wouldn't want it anyways, it's a mirage" | Continue a dad joke: |
As my dad was leaving for the store | I'll be Beethovan, I mean, I'll be Bach! | Continue a dad joke: |
Grandpa hit us with this at dinner. | At a family dinner tonight we were baking fresh biscuits, when my aunt asked, "dad, where are the buns?" I'm sitting on them! | Continue a dad joke: |
Washington Post | Reports of kidnapping in Wyoming (x-post from /r/news) It's ok. She woke up. | Continue a dad joke: |
Why did the scarecrow win an award? | Because he was outstanding in his field! | Continue a dad joke: |
My dad told me this as we were driving along a forest service road when i was eight years old | It was raining. We rounded a corner and hit a smooth, strait patch of the dirt road, so he shifted into third gear and we hummed along for a bit in total silence | Continue a dad joke: |
My pregnant wife and I are preparing for a move to a new city and she has been taping up boxes and placing them on the floor around my desk. | I told her that she is really boxing me in. | Continue a dad joke: |
Dad raised me right | Mom's friend rings the doorbell. Mom answers the door, "Hi Deb, good to see you. We missed you!" Dad and I, on opposite sides of the room, look up in unison: "With every shot so far!" The pride on his face was priceless. | Continue a dad joke: |
Dad said this at a Japanese restaurant a few nights ago | So my family and I were out to dinner a few nights ago and I was talking about how in Japan the restrictions on Kobe beef are different from the rest of the world, so when you order it in many restaurants they ask you "Do you want to cry, laugh, or feel a sense of accomplishment with your Kobe beef?" | Continue a dad joke: |
My dad talking about our cruise to Alaska | I'm on board! | Continue a dad joke: |
My dad just said this. | "I wonder if people don't have power from the storm." "You mean like superpowers?" | Continue a dad joke: |
Dad dropped this one after my mom got back from hot yoga | Little background on "hot yoga": Bunch of people doing yoga in a room that is kept to over 100 degrees. We were conversing in the TV room during a commercial break and my mom brought up her hot yoga | Continue a dad joke: |
Dad and brothers got me last night at dinner. | I had dinner with my parents and brothers (who are also both dads) last night and let it slip to my older brother that I was going to meet a girl later that night. It went something like this: | Continue a dad joke: |
Pulled this one on my parents while at a market. | We were all walking around a Christmas market here last week, and my dad had to pee. We finally found the loos, which is when we realised they were pay-per-use and none of us had any change. Peered at the door, and my mum said "Well, I suppose it's a real crap situation!" | Continue a dad joke: |
Something to put on the memo line of checks to my grandpa. | So I need somethings to put on the memo line of the checks I give my grandpa every month. Thoughts? | Continue a dad joke: |
I was hoping to see if it was possible for people to just a picture of their dad's reaction. I feel like half the fun of a dad joke is always your father's reaction. You know that stupid grin or him slamming on the steering wheel. I mean I was wondering why the math book looked so sad | until I realized it had too many problems. | Continue a dad joke: |
A classic one I can never forget | He must be spewing | Continue a dad joke: |
While I was convincing my mom that me saying "Bastard" was not swearing. Me (to mom): Bastard is not a swear word, it's a legitimate thing! | Or an Illegitimate thing. | Continue a dad joke: |
Son asked if we won the lottery | my wife and I were in the kitchen and my son knew we had bought a lottery ticket and asked if we had won. I said "Yeah, we won millions of dollars and forgot to mention it" my wife said "No, we didn't win a thing, not even | Continue a dad joke: |
Every birthda my dad pulls this one out | Don't worry honey, you don't look a day past 49! | Continue a dad joke: |
Double dad-joke at Five Guys My dad and I are getting lunch at Five Guys Burgers and Fries and he begins ordering before me. | I'd like aaaaaaaaaa... he said to drag out his sentence while thinking of what to order. The cashier cuts in and she says, "Sorry, we're out of patience." | Continue a dad joke: |
My dads all time favorite | Whenever we're going somewhere that requires a substantial amount of driving time (at least two hours) my family stops at a McDonalds or something for food. My dad will always order a coffee and be a little unclear about his order | Continue a dad joke: |
With this blizzard we're having | Edward isn't the only one who's *Snowden*. | Continue a dad joke: |
I made my 13YO daughter laugh when I commented on the peas she spilled from her plate | look, escaPEAS! | Continue a dad joke: |
Not a dad, but I got my little sister. | My sister found a jar of molasses in the kitchen cabinet and asked what it was. The first thing I thought of to respond was "the last part of the mole to go down the hole." My mom just looked at me and shook her head | Continue a dad joke: |
My dad said this after I told him the story about how I got stung by a bee after I found it in my shoe | That must have created quite a buzz. | Continue a dad joke: |
Hey Dad, where are the peas? | I asked my dad that while we were cooking fried rice. He said "Right here! " held up the peace sign with his fingers. | Continue a dad joke: |
So, my dad's driving a rental car | Normally, my dad drives a more luxurious car, but he's rented some model of Toyota since one of the tires on his car is blown out. My brother and I are sitting in the back and as he's fiddling with the buttons, my brother says, "Wow, Dad, you're really getting down with the common folk, aren't you?" | Continue a dad joke: |
Too many degrees | My two sister-in-laws and I were sitting around the table with their dad taking about their college classes, requirements for their majors, degrees, etc. My father in law says, "you don't want to get too many degrees, you'll get a temperature! | Continue a dad joke: |
My dad, everyone. | So here's a little info to understand the joke. My dad has a giant abscess on his arm, and my grandpa found out from a friend that if you put a potato slice on your abscess, it will come to a head or something. So here's what happened. | Continue a dad joke: |
I am going to my Womb | Okay lets be clear this is more of a Mom joke, but it is a Dad joke of a Mom. Now that's out of the way I was over at my friend's house, his parents are pretty funny and this joke is about his parent and not mine own. So my friend has a mom who's a real uterus case. | Continue a dad joke: |
I was really cold on my bike ride to work this morning | Then I realized I was listening to chill music. I turned it off and was instantly warmer. | Continue a dad joke: |
My Dad caught me off guard yesterday | the reason why two people probably have the same birthday is because there are only 365 possible birthdays, so it's not that surprising. | Continue a dad joke: |
My dad on an unarmed bank robber | Dad: "Well, it shouldn't be too hard find a guy with no arms" | Continue a dad joke: |
My sister just called someone a psychopath | Easy way to get around the county | Continue a dad joke: |
A camping special | This one might only make sense to people from the UK, but from many camping trips as a kid... Dad: Get out of there - you could get arrested for that! Me: huh? Dad: Loitering within tent *cue him rolling around laughing at his own joke | Continue a dad joke: |
I told my first dad joke today. | I didn't even mean to make a dad joke, apparently after seven years of being a dad, it just starts to happen. | Continue a dad joke: |
Dad said this one at the table when the topic of dry jokes came up. | 'I want to go on an airplane and see my friend Jack down the other end of the plane so I can say: "Hi, Jack!"" | Continue a dad joke: |
My Girlfriend's Dad Said This While Shingling The Roof | This roof is poison. One drop will kill me! | Continue a dad joke: |
yes sex would be fine | Going through Chick-Fil-A drive through- Young Drive Through Lady: (Hands us a whole bunch of food) Dad: Thanks Young Drive Through Lady: Would you like some sacks? (Since there was a lot of food and for some reason she didn't put | Continue a dad joke: |
Just watching the Sugar Bowl... The camera cut to Alabama's HaHa Clinton-Dix, who seemed rather upset. | Dad: "Ya see that, HaHa ain't laughing." | Continue a dad joke: |
Classic dad during the Alabama-Oklahoma game | Mom: "What's a Sooner?" Dad: "I don't know, but it's better than a later!" | Continue a dad joke: |
Dad dropped this one on me during the first snow of the year! | Yeah there's SNOW-body here | Continue a dad joke: |
said while standing at a urinal with fellow pee-ers... | water's a bit nippy, eh? | Continue a dad joke: |
My little girl dad-joked me today | I guess I have to pick up my game here. | Continue a dad joke: |
How do you organize a space party? | You *planet!* | Continue a dad joke: |
At Cracker-Barrel The other day brother: This meal looks delicious. I have no regrets. | Here, now you have no regrits followed by his uncontrollable laughter | Continue a dad joke: |
Anytime we ask for a fork. | Every time someone asks for a fork, or forks, my dad's response is always, "What the fork are you talking about?" | Continue a dad joke: |
Watching some movie where a bunch of dog sledders end up having to eat the dogs | If we eat them it'll be a cat-astrophe! | Continue a dad joke: |
Yes I will put a tablet in the dishwasher | This evening I was packing up the dishwasher when my my mum told me to put a tablet in. So cue my dad who was standing just outside with his windows tablet so I went into the hall and picked it up and almost put it | Continue a dad joke: |
The turkey was wondering why | the farmer unfriended him on Facebook in November. | Continue a dad joke: |
At dinner last night | I was at dinner with my family at an Italian restaurant and the waitress said, "Here is some extra virgin olive oil for your bread." And then my dad said, "can I get something with a little more experience?" My dad's thick accent didn't help. | Continue a dad joke: |
On discovering that a lunar month is also called a moonth [Cross-posting](http://www.reddit.com/r/explainlikeimfive/comments/1u7znz/why_do_months_have_different_number_of_days/cefg5mv) my dadjoke master piece here by request: | What's the difference between a lunar month and a month? | Continue a dad joke: |
My Dad just pulled this one at my aunt's funeral | the last thing i need is a funeral. he looked at me and i looked at him. we knew. | Continue a dad joke: |
Dad: "That's a beautiful coastline." | Me: "Yeah? You sure about that?" Dad: "Pretty shore" | Continue a dad joke: |
Brain Sucker I learned this from an old girlfriend's dad when he did it to her little sister. | It's a brain sucker! | Continue a dad joke: |
nose picking | Why doesn't Chinese pick their nose with this finger *sticking index finger up* It is my finger. | Continue a dad joke: |
Two dadjokes in one evening, from 2 different dads | You know, instead of a toe-truc | Continue a dad joke: |
Just wanted to share my favorite dad joke from my childhood. I think it was my dad's favorite joke to tell too. | There was a carrot walking along the road when he got hit by a car. He was rushed to the carrot hospital and had to get a paws-itive diagnosis. | Continue a dad joke: |
Dad I can't stand your silly jokes | But can you sit them? | Continue a dad joke: |
Said to every waiter who removes plate after entire meal has been devoured... | "put what's left in a doggy bag, please!" | Continue a dad joke: |
A lot of my dad's jokes aren't quite appropriate... that's why I feel left out in this subreddit most of the time. | When I was growing up, dad didn't always have the most appropriate way of talking to his children. But we loved him! | Continue a dad joke: |
I was trying to pick out some music. | "Dad, what's your favorite band?" "Rubber." | Continue a dad joke: |
While showing me his tool collection | Does, does it smell like a hammerdo in here? | Continue a dad joke: |
My pop just said to my 2 year old daughter | Don't put the party pie on your head! It's not a hat! Hold it like a telephone... now you're a "pie on ear"!! | Continue a dad joke: |
Shellfish I just made a dadjoke | Yo- Olivia! I fixed the shelf! No-one helped me- I did it all by my-shelf. | Continue a dad joke: |
I heard about 40 of these this morning, and even more as the day pressed on | Oh man you stink, you haven't taken a bath *all year long!* | Continue a dad joke: |
Too Bad Soraka Isn't A Pig | Then she could be suppork! LoLoLoLoL | Continue a dad joke: |
Dad, that was cold.. | Sister: "What's that new Disney movie coming out?" Me: "Frozen?" Sister: "No...." Dad: "Thawed?" | Continue a dad joke: |
Recently getting into the habit of flossing... | I'm the only one in my immediate family that flosses at all and the other day I was explaining to my brother what the benefits of flossing are: Me: "I've read that a lot of the damage that plaque does to your | Continue a dad joke: |
Dad just hit my mom with this one | Dad just hung a mirror for my mom. Mom: It is beautiful! Dad: It's mirroraculous! | Continue a dad joke: |
Subsets and Splits