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Okay , this day snuck up on me . I just posted yesterday and here I am needing to say something pithy and profound and summative about the year that is rapidly heading toward extinction . And I need to say it quickly , because I went for a lovely ride on this cold , crisp afternoon and now I can 't stay awake . I 'll be lucky to make it to midnight East Coast time , and I live several times zones west of that one . . . ( Guaranteed insomnia cure : exercise until you 're frozen , come in and thaw out and eat a large dinner and then just TRY to stay awake ! ) . Okay , wise cracks out of the way , I do want to look back over the year . At the beginning of 2012 , my writing was just about where it is now . . . except it was the first Ninja Librarian book I was trying to polish up , and now it 's the second . Over the course of the year , I 've seen my book in print , done author readings , and been recognized in the grocery store as a writer . I have developed as a writer , doing a much better job of believing that it 's a real job , and therefore should take precedent over many other things , including sweeping the floor . Not always there , but getting better . I 've learned more about marketing than I ever guessed I would ever need to , and just enough to tell me that I 've only scratched the surface . I 've also learned that nothing about my new published status has made me any more eager to sit down with a flawed MS and do the hard work of turning it into a publishable book , but that having people waiting for the new book can inspire me to do even that . I think that 's part of what it means to be a professional . In my personal life , I have watched my boys get another year older , and seen my Eldest Son putting me to shame for his ability to write under nearly any conditions . While I want to crawl off alone , he sat in the middle of the family Xmas bash with his computer in front of him , and added page after page to his first novel . It 's pretty good , too . I don 't know whether to be a proud parent , or just chagrined that he manages to write , and well , under circumstances that made me give up ( twelve people in our dinky house over the holidays , for example ) . I 've done , and the longest single backpack since I was 27 and hiked 200 miles of the Pacific Crest Trail . It was a lot more fun doing it with my family than alone , as I did back then . What do I wish for 2013 ? Aside , that is , from peace and love and general good stuff for all humanity . Let 's stick with the personal here . Mostly , let 's stick with what the writer wants . 4 . Sell more books each month , find more followers for this blog , and discover more great reads for myself . Which I 'll share if you are good . 5 . Go for another backpack trip as glorious as last summer 's . Swim even more , ride even more , and - - the gods willing - - become a runner again when my about - to - be - operated - on toe heals . I 've been catching up on some through - hikers I was following last summer . For those of you who aren 't backpackers ( in the US sense , not the European sense ) , through - hikers are people who hike an entire long trail ( Pacific Crest Trail , Appalachian Trail , etc . ) in a single season ( well , more like 3 seasons , starting very early in spring and continuing until they arrive at the end or snow gets too deep to manage , whichever comes first ) . I 'd been following a couple of PCT hikers , and got distracted , so I went back yesterday and read the blogs all the way through , since they were all off the trail by late October . I don 't know if this sort of thing is meant satisfy my desire to do a long hike , or feed it , but that 's a post for another day . What I wanted to talk about was the concept of a " Zero " or " Zero Day " . A day in town or camp when you don 't hike anywhere . Zero mileage . When you are trying to cover 2660 miles between late March and first snow in the North Cascades , you think a lot about miles ( you also think a lot about miles between food drops , since taking a day too long could mean a day without dinner , not something you want to consider when hiking 20 - 25 miles / day ) . Spending a whole day without gaining any miles can be hard . What I got to thinking about this afternoon is how hard it is for me to take a Zero , to stop doing all the things I 'm supposed to be doing . Now , granted that on those " Zero Days " the hikers usually kept plenty busy - - laundry and shopping and eating as many meals as they could jam in - - in a sense they didn 't do any of what they were there to do , i . e . , hike . That 's the beauty of a Zero . Just don 't do it . Maybe that 's behind the old religious prohibition on doing any work on Sunday . If we humans don 't know enough to take a rest day when we need it , maybe we need an outside force telling us to , before we burn ourselves out . Around here in the U . S . we 've pretty much forgotten about that whole Day of Rest thing , but I 'm old enough to remember when very very few stores were open on Sundays , and most people ( except ministers ) took the day off . Everyone took a Zero and was the better for it ( eventually my Mom stopped cooking on Sundays , too , though not for religious reasons . She just needed a day off ) . So today I really haven 't done much . I finished two books last night , and read another clear through today . It was past time for me to do that , and it meant , as much as anything , getting the heck off the internet ( where I 'd been all yesterday afternoon , reading about through - hikers . . . ) and just reading a book . But I was also feeling pretty guilty . Not doing any writing , not cleaning up the post - holiday mess , just indulging myself . Like I did when I was a kid - - curled up with a book for hours . See what I mean ? I 'm not too good at taking a Zero . Okay , yeah , I can take a day off from writing , especially the revisions I 'm supposedly working on right now , all too easily . But the rest of my job is that of chief housekeeper and I can 't seem to let it go . But the thing is : if the hikers don 't take a Zero now and then , they break down . The body just won 't keep it up , the mind wears down . Next thing you know , you 've left the trail for permanent , not just for a day . Now , I 've a hunch that " trail fatigue " might happen to writers , too . Take a break or get the boot . I 'm not so sure about housework , but I do know that a ) it will never go away , and b ) it will never go away . It 'll still be there tomorrow . Take a Zero . Read a book and let the dust bunnies thrive one more day . We 've never been much for holidays here in Skunk Corners . Not until just lately , when my students figured out that celebrations mostly come with food . They thought Thanksgiving was about the best thing ever , what with the wild turkey and the baked squash and the pies that Tess brought for our celebration , unless maybe the real best was the Fourth of July picnic . There they had all the food they could eat and it was outdoors , so they didn 't need any manners . At least , that 's the way the kids figured it . After the success of those events , I began to wonder why we didn 't seem to celebrate Christmas much . Sure , some families did something , maybe a stocking with a bit of penny candy and an orange in it , and a dinner they took extra care over . Maybe they read about the baby Jesus in their Bibles . I don 't know much about that . But I 'd been reading up on how folks elsewhere did things , and it made me kind of sad . Even the first Christmas in Little Women , when no one had gifts but Marmee and they gave away their breakfast , seemed to have something we were missing . At least , I didn 't have it . So , naturally , I went to the Ninja Librarian . " But why doesn 't anyone around here celebrate Christmas ? " I wondered . " I know why I don 't , but why don 't other people ? " Tom gave me a long , grave look , and rather than answering my question , asked one of his own , which I should have expected . " Did you and your father not honor the day ? Or did you stop when he was no longer with you ? " Funny how he won 't let me ask about his life , but he doesn 't stop at asking me about mine . I shook my head . " I was born the 20th of December , or something thereabouts . And Ma died a few days later . On Christmas . " It didn 't hurt much to say that , since I never knew Ma . It was thinking about Pa that stung . " So Pa never looked at the day . He 'd go hunting or something . " I changed the subject . " What about you and your family ? What did you do ? " He did what he always did when any question touched near to his own life or history . He said , " That was a long time ago . " Then he set me to doing more exercises so I could learn to be a Ninja fighter . The more questions I ask , the better I get at those moves . If I 'm nosey enough , I might learn to be as good as the Ninja Librarian . Maybe not . He works twice as hard and more often , and he 's been doing it for a long time , though naturally , when I tried to find out how long , he set me to learning a whole new set of complicated moves . The idea of Christmas wouldn 't leave me , though . We celebrated another Thanksgiving , though I wasn 't sure to whom or for what we were being so all - fired grateful , unless it was that the Ninja Librarian had come back to us , and the fire didn 't burn us down , nor the roughs from Endoline take over our town . Which , come to think of it , was enough to be thankful for . But Christmas was just around the corner , and I didn 't know what I was going to do about it . If anything . Besides , I was busy . As the weather got colder , I found some of my students were frozen half through before they got to school , mornings . And those who had gotten coats the year before were sticking out of them by several inches at the sleeves . Tommy couldn 't even fasten his , because now he was in his teens he was starting to fill out some . He 'd stopped dodging chores at home , and around school he tried to take the place of Hank and Yance , who were mostly working now , learning finer carpentry and even making furniture with Ike Holstead . I was working hard to get the women of the town to hunt out whatever old stuff they might have , and work it over to fit the bigger kids . The little ones were easy , since we could just pass last year 's coats down to them . And we were all making moccasins again , especially the ones stuffed with leaves and moss to keep the feet warm . So I didn 't have any time for thinking about Christmas . No one else said anything , so I decided to just let the idea drop . On the shortest day of the year I decided that I had turned eighteen , but I didn 't say anything about that , either . Pa would 've made a big deal about it , like he did when I was thirteen , but he wasn 't here and I was too old to cry about that or anything else . I didn 't say anything more to Ninja Tom , and he didn 't mention the holiday to me , either . Though he did comment on midwinter 's night - he called it the solstice - and had the children make a note of exactly what time the sun set . Of course , we didn 't have any school on the 24th or the 25th . That was tradition , whatever else folks did , or didn 't do . Preacher Dawson would have thrown a fit if we had gone on . He held a church service on the 24th , and I suppose some folks went . I stayed in my room behind the schoolhouse and read . Every single book by Miss Alcott that I could lay hands on , until I got a bit tired of all the girls ending up married . Then I took to reading history , and stuck with the explorers who wandered the hot southern lands . That worked better for improving my mood , at least until I had to go out and get more firewood . On the 25th , I didn 't get out of bed when I woke up , not even when it got light . I just stayed where it was warm and read until the sun shone in my window . That got my attention , seeing as I hadn 't seen it for several days . I tossed back the covers , pulled on my dungarees over my long underwear , and topped it with a heavy wool sweater my Pa had worn . I was near as big as he 'd been , unless the thing had shrunk . Then I headed for Two - Timin ' Tess 's Tavern , where I could count on a decent meal , as long as it was after ten in the morning . They keep bartender 's hours over there . I figured on having a lot of breakfast , since I hadn 't eaten a thing when I woke up several hours earlier - just picked up my book and started reading . My belly was flapping against my spine , as Pa used to say . I came around back to the kitchen , since it was much too early for the bar to be open , and stepped into a world of beautiful smells . Annie had been up far longer than I had , I decided . I could detect bread and apple pie and soup and maybe somewhere in all that a hint of the bacon and eggs I had thought I was looking for . " Hey there , Al , " Annie greeted me . Tess was at the table , clutching a cup of coffee and watching Annie with something between delight and fear . " Pull up a chair and sit down . " I didn 't know what to say , but I knew a good invitation when I heard it . I sat down , and Tess shoved the coffee pot toward me . By the time I had poured a cup , Annie had filled two plates with bacon , eggs , and some kind of cake . Cake for breakfast seemed a bit odd , but I wasn 't in any mood to say no . I sailed into the food and didn 't even look at Tess until I was nearly through it . When I did look , she was eating as single - mindedly as I had been , if somewhat less rapidly . I looked again at Annie , who was pulling a pair of pies from the oven , and back at Tess , who shrugged . " For anyone who walks through that door hungry , " Annie said . I didn 't know what she was expecting , but I thought there wouldn 't be much of anyone coming in on a day like this . The wind had kicked up again , the sun gone away after luring me out , and the temperature dropped to something just below unbearable . In my opinion , no one in their right mind would go out . Unless , like me , they were in need of something to eat . Of course , she 'd be feeding Johnny and the girls , and I figured Tom would be in . Like me , he 'd taken to eating most of his meals at Tess 's . But no doubt everyone else would be sensible and go out only to do their chores . How should they know there was a feast at the Tavern ? Yet , somehow , as the day went on , folks just seemed to happen by . Some came for a drink , and stayed for pie . But some , like Tommy , just happened to be passing by and thought they 'd see if there was anything to eat around , and to show us how warm his new coat was . Hank and Yance came with a shelf they 'd made special for Ike Holstead , and Ike just happened to come in with Janey about that same time . She had her mocs on , having outgrown her boots . Eunice had those now . I know , because she stopped in too . Crazy Jake and Wild Harry Colson were working , but the train stopped in town for an hour , long enough for my two oldest students - getting on into their twenties now - to come by for a turkey sandwich , pie and coffee . And for help with a report they had to write about a mishap on the line , so I figured that was their real reason , and the food was their luck . Those two would never turn down a good meal , no more than I would . Me , I couldn 't see any reason to go back to my cold room , so I just stuck around and had a bite when I felt like it . Everyone who came in gave me a friendly " Merry Christmas , " and Tom had brought his chess set . He was teaching me to play , though Pa had made a start at it that last year before he died . Ninja Tom was a tough teacher , but that day I won two games , and figured I was making progress . I don 't usually review books that are 70 years old , but as I was comparing my own book to it , I realized that few kids today may know about Homer . A check of the library records for our county confirm that , while the book is available in most of the branches , it only goes out about once a year . And that 's a shame , because not only are the stories delightful and fun ( as well as slightly absurd . . . if you have read The Ninja Librarian , you see where I 'm coming from . . . ) but they are illustrated in the same style as his classic picture books ( Make Way for Ducklings , One Morning in Maine , etc . ) , which means they are worthwhile just for the pictures . Each of the six chapters is a free - standing story of some event in the life of Homer Price and his little town of Centerburg . In the first , Homer deals with a foursome of robbers by a creative trick and with a little help from his friends . As in each successive chapter , the set - up is engaging , and the story ends with a twist that shows some real creative problem - solving on Homer 's part . [ I hadn 't read the book for years until I picked it up last month , looking for something soothing . I was surprised to find the degree to which McCloskey 's approach paralleled my own in the NL . Clearly early childhood influences are strong ! ] In each story , underlying the elements of silliness and adventure that appeal to the children , there is a certain amount of social commentary that can appeal to the adult reader , particularly with reference to modern " progress . " If only McCloskey had known ! The six chapters are : Guest blogger Mark Edwards , writing about writing blurbs , encourages us to use the names of known authors ( he calls it namechecking ) . You know the thing : " if so - and - so wrote such - and - such . . . " . Now , I can certainly see the power of this in advertising . Associating your unknown name and book with a name everyone ( or everyone interested in your genre ) will recognize is a great way to get some attention , maybe draw in some readers . And yet . I have seen this done so much , and so clumsily . " This book has been compared to ' Harry Potter ' and ' The Lord of the Rings ' ! " " It 's like Steinbeck and Shakespeare met for a few drinks and wrote a novel together ! " Things that sound both boastful and stupid . I guess if the reviewer for the NYT compares your book ( in a positive way ) to the work of a best - selling author , you should grab hold and go with that - - and give the attribution and the link . But if your Mom says " oh , honey , you write even better than Danielle Steele " ( NB : my mother doesn 't read Danielle Steele and would never say such an insulting thing to me , especially as I don 't write romances ) , you might want to rethink the comparison . Of course , everyone wants to know what your book is like , and comparing it to something they know is the fast and easy way to get there . But it 's a fine line between useful and reasonable name - dropping and something that sounds like a playground boast . So here 's what I think : I have no idea where the balance lies . My inclination is to use words like " reminiscent of " and " in the spirit of " or even " inspired by the likes of . " Actually , so far my inclination has been to avoid any such comparisons . But now I 'm thinking about it , and thinking about a little revision of my blurbs to include some . " The Ninja Librarian is a tall tale in the ( slightly outrageous ) spirit of Mark Twain and Robert McCloskey 's Homer Price . " ( This might at least attract the attention of the parents and grandparents of my juvenile readers , though I 'm not sure how many 4th graders will recognize either name , more 's the pity ) . Or maybe " Hank the Cowdog would feel right at home in Skunk Corners . " ( Adult readers without children may , in their turn , need to look up who Hank is . Great fun for family read - alouds . Sort of like the NL . Check it out ) . Not long ago a friend who teaches grade school tipped me off to a grand book , called 1001 Children 's Books You Must Read Before You Grow Up . I 've been happily browsing the sections for kids about age 8 and up ( juvvy fiction , not picture books or easy - readers ; this is the stuff I like ) . Not surprisingly , especially given how small our library was when I was actually a child , I 've missed a lot of the books ( even the ones that were written before I allegedly grew up , and many post - date my gradeschool years , which were a lot longer ago than I think ) . The Winged Watchman is one of those I missed along the way . Set in Holland during WWII , it is the story of the Verhagen family , who live in and tend a windmill - - the Winged Watchman . As a note , it was a bit before I processed the obvious ( well , maybe not ! ) fact that these windmills were not for grinding flour or to pump up water ( as windmills in the American West are ) , but to pump the water out of the polders , the stretches of farmland that lie below sea level . The Verhagens are just such people . Not giant heroes , but little ones , people who shared what they had , and took their chances with the Germans . We follow them through the last year of the war , when things are at their worst , and their most exciting . Events move along at a brisk clip , keeping the reader engaged , with just enough tension to make it exciting . The story is told from the perspective of the two sons of the family , primarily Joris , who is 10 , but also Dirk Jan who at 14 plays a more active and dangerous role . And how is it to read ? Being written in 1962 , certain aspects of the book are dated , though the language and style are modern enough ( though I suspect a writer tackling the scene in 2012 would make life and death seem more real to the reader ) . I hit a couple of brief rough patches where religious sentiments were presented in a manner that felt somewhat preachy , but they quickly passed , and the overall tone was acceptable to people of any or no faith . That sense was a bit dampened by the ending , where the author makes it clear she believes that religion - - Christian or otherwise - - is a powerful support in difficult times , as it undoubtedly is for those who believe . To me , it made the ending feel a little preachy , not in keeping with the adventure story , but it by no means ruined the book . |
Posted on September 29 , 2015 by carolynmolica2013 I 'm looking for the most popular , meaningful stories to put in the front of my WINGS Vol . 2 . Let me know which ones struck you the most or which ones you liked the best . Thanks so much . Even if you don 't remember the title if you give me a hint I can probably find it . Posted on September 27 , 2015 by carolynmolica2013 Have you ever noticed how things can be going along really well and then the devil tries to invade your space and sneak something in on you ? Until 3 months ago I had a wonderful exterminator girl . She was cheerful , came on the right day and always asked if there was more she could do . Then she got promoted . The new exterminator guy came for two months and then on the third month I went outside to meet him . He immediately started huffing about how long my grass was in the back and how he has a difficult time ducking under my clothes line every time and the patio ! Don 't even mention the patio . He has to actually walk around on the patio and go under the trellis . He 's tall and I 'm short , so when he goes under the trellis I think some of the flowering vines hit him . He just could not stop complaining . Well , yesterday he was supposed to come and he didn 't show up . The Lord says he 's fired . I don 't need that kind of person coming every month and putting those curses on my house ! About a year ago I was regularly going into the Starbucks to read the Bible and write . It was fine until one day when I was there , I looked up and this creepy guy was staring at me from outside . I tried to ignore him , but every time I looked up , there he was with big googly eyes looking right at me ! Yuk . I couldn 't concentrate on what I was doing so I moved out of his line of vision . But then he came inside and sat right in the big easy chair that focused right on me ! I couldn 't get a thing done and wasn 't smart enough to just turn my back on him or get out of there . I lost that battle . The next several times when I went to study and write , similar things happened with different people at different locations . I got wise to what the devil was doing . He always goes too far and I catch him and nail him . The devil is never on our side ! And to those of you who are Facebook users , the devil never clicks the " like " button for you . We are in a constant war with him . In the end we win , but in each battle we need God 's wisdom of what to do . A person in the military or any competitive sport knows that battles get fought and won by different strategies . Winners are people who figure out the strategies that work . Often , as in tennis , the competitors ' skills are equal , but the ultimate winner is the one who endures mentally . Our strategy is the wisdom of God . " If any of you lack wisdom , let him ask of God , that giveth to all men liberally , and upbraideth not ; and it shall be given him " ( James 1 : 5 ) . So the next time the devil tries to invade your space or you get attacked , don 't let it go on for too long . Go to the Lord right away and find out His strategy for the battle . " In all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us " ( Rom 8 : 37 ) . Posted on September 24 , 2015 by carolynmolica2013 About a year ago , I was working on a gold leaf project with my union company . The project got delayed and I needed to find a filler job . I have a list of people I call for just this sort of situation and I knew the Lord was telling me to make the calls . But I was enjoying my time off and I was stalling . Somehow making those calls seemed too difficult and I was dreading it . I took the coward 's way out and left messages on their home phones rather than just calling them direct on their cell phones . When no one called back I knew I was going to have to change my attitude . I was reluctant because doing the right thing meant stepping out of my comfort zone . I felt I was being pushed and I didn 't like it . I was tired and I was being stubborn . Most of us have some residual stubbornness and rebellion in us . Our spiritual life changed when we got born again but our soul life , made up of our thoughts , emotions and will , still needs work . There are wounds that need healing . Even though we intuitively may know the situation is going to turn out great if we just obey , we allow ungodly stubbornness to get in the way . When I didn 't make the proper phone calls I reminded myself of Jonah in the Bible . " Now the word of the Lord came unto Jonah saying , ' Arise , go to Nineveh , that great city , and cry against it . ' But Jonah rose up to flee unto Tarshish from the presence of the Lord " ( Jonah 1 : 1 - 3 ) . The people of Ninevah had a horrible reputation . Their brutality was renowned . Jonah didn 't want them to be forgiven and saved . He wanted them to be punished . But God didn 't let him go that easily . Jonah ended up in a near shipwreck , got swallowed by a whale and three days later got barfed up onto the beach . It was after this tumble of events that Jonah decided he better go ahead and do the thing God asked him to do . Like with me , the thing God asked of Jonah wasn 't a hard thing . It was something Jonah was used to doing . He just didn 't feel like doing it this time . I 've never had the Lord ask me to do something I couldn 't do . More often than not , what He asks is something small . The devil likes to deceive us and make it look like a big deal , but most of the time it 's really not . My wife Jeanette and I just finished hosting a family reunion in the Virginia Blue Ridge Mountains and began to prepare for our trip to Colorado . We were planning to spend the July 4th weekend with our son in Denver . Tuesday June 30th I was restless all day on the road , stopping periodically along the way , once to get a temporary speaker for my car since my amplifier stopped working . That first night we spent west of Louisville , Kentucky . I couldn 't sleep very well . The bed was hard and small , but I was very restless . Wednesday morning , the second day of our journey we ate breakfast at the hotel and hit the road . We made great time , but I began to not feel well . I felt very tired and I thought it had to do with me not sleeping the night before . However , I stayed tired and after laying down to sleep , I still wasn 't able to sleep well whatsoever . Jeanette drove from the hotel where we stayed until we arrived outside of St Louis . I relieved Jeanette from driving ; she isn 't comfortable driving through the city . I got us about 25 miles west of St Louis and let Jeanette drive again . I was amazed at how tired I was . I sat in the passenger side of the car , leaned the seat back with the sun roof wide open . I finally slept a little until the hat I was wearing over my eyes was sucked up through the sunroof and it woke me up . I was sad to lose it but it was kind of funny the way it happened . We switched drivers again and made it to Junction City , Kansas , where we stayed the 2nd night on the road . Again , I had a very difficult time sleeping and I began to have symptoms which made me think I was constipated , yet I couldn 't relieve myself either . I cannot describe how I felt , but I was eating anti - acid tablets like candy . On the 3rd day , Thursday , we arrived at our son 's home in Colorado about 5 pm . We were tired and hungry and went to this Chinese restaurant which was very good . I ate a very small plate . It satisfied me yet I felt , very weird . I was so uncomfortable . My abdomen was burning and I did not know why . Friday came and the pain was excruciating , feeling like I had a hot rod burning the lower part of the inside of my abdomen . I continued to eat anti - acid tablets like candy and they did not help . I would lie down ; I was unable to get comfortable nor to be relieved from the pain I was enduring . I was miserable to say the least . My son went out and picked me up something at a dispensary which helped me sleep for about 5 hours . This was the 1st rest I had gotten in 4 days . But what I could not relieve was the excruciating pain in my abdomen . God told me again , " Get to the E . R . or you 're going to die . " I felt like I had gas , constipated and eating anti - acid tablets like crazy . I still tried to endure but finally about 4 pm I told Jeanette , " I 'm in so much pain I can 't take it anymore . Take me to the E . R . Right then my son came in , took one look at me and told my wife , " Get dad to E . R . NOW ! So Jeanette took me to the satellite emergency room about a mile up the road . When we went in they asked me my problem , I explained how I felt like I had an extreme bowl obstruction and I couldn 't urinate . So they took me into the E . R . After a short time I received some pain medication which caused concern because they thought I was not breathing right , so they gave me oxygen . I woke up and they took me in for x - rays to see what my issue was . Well after a good while the E . R . doc came in and said they were going to give me a cat scan and I went back to the room . The E . R . doc returned and said he spoke with the surgeon and I will go straight into surgery . I found out my gallbladder had to be removed . Jeanette asked , " Do we have any options ? " The doctor said , " NO . He is going straight into surgery ! " The next thing I knew I woke up and saw Jeanette and I do not recall much else other than sleeping until 3 am when one of the doctors came in to see me . He explained to me some of what I went through , but I was out of it and boy was I tired . I know over the next 2 days I slept constantly and was awake very little . My surgeon Dr . Georgescu came in to see me Sunday afternoon and explained to me how bad off I was . He said I most definitely would have not lasted 24 hours if I didn 't get to the E . R . He blew my mind when he said he was praying for me . When he opened me up he said that he asked God to help him remove my gallbladder . He said my gallbladder was dead ; it was black gangrene , just plain dead . Dr . Georgescu was amazed that it had not leaked into my whole system . But it did infect my blood stream and they treated my system for 8 days for severe infection . Finally I realized God had been telling me several times before I went to the E . R . that I would die if I didn 't get help . I realize so much more now . Why is it that after the fact we realize not only what was going on but we see more clearly how God was intervening ? As a believer I have never knowingly doubted , but obviously we are human and yes , we do screw up . But for me , through this experience I would like to think that I have become more aware of God being at work in my life . I am again looking to Him for everything , no matter how small . I am most thankful for how much God loves me and loves to bless me . He doesn 't want anything to harm me . His love is so much bigger than I give Him credit for . I am so thankful to be alive and up and around and doing great . We enjoy the money we get from a job but there 's lots of jobs where we don 't get paid with money and we need to take a minute to acknowledge and celebrate those too . What about the small , seemingly insignificant work we do throughout a day ? God says we are to enjoy the good of ALL our labor . Just yesterday at work I mentioned to Wendy that this one guy seems to never crack a smile . He 's in a wheelchair and went by us several times during the day . Even when I smiled at him , I got no reaction , as if I wasn 't even there . But the very last time in the day when he went by us I smiled again and made a joke and sure enough he lightened up , smiled and even responded to my goofy remark . Wendy and I celebrated by getting all giggly and doing a little celebration dance at our accomplishment . That was fun . We aren 't supposed to just work and work and work until we exhaust ourselves . Most of us need to celebrate more . God says we 're supposed to " ENJOY THE GOOD OF ALL HIS [ OUR ] LABOR " , not just the good from the paycheck we get from our jobs , but the good we get from anything we work at . Do we get a good feeling of accomplishment ? The satisfaction of a small victory ? Do we get a thank you from someone ? Happiness in a new skill learned ? Do we feel good about doing something we 've been putting off for a while ? There are many good results from our labors and lots of reasons to celebrate because we work at a variety of tasks . Just think of some things you work at : Do you work at exercising ? Eating well ? Reading the Bible ? Praying ? Going to bed on time ? Do you work at not gossiping ? At paying your bills on time ? Do you work at saying something kind every day ? Do you work at spending more time with your kids ? Think of 2 things you worked at today . Whatever it was , God says we need to take the time to CELEBRATE . It 's His gift to us . We can say , " Hey , I did pretty well at that . Great job ! You did it ! " The Lord wants us to be blessed and this is just one way He 's given us to put a little more joy in day . Posted on September 13 , 2015 by carolynmolica2013 Our good friend Valerie from back East was in town for work and came by the shop to visit Donna and me . She broke down in tears as she expressed her fears . Her ex - husband is an alcoholic . He is sober sometimes but then lies about being sober at other times . She really needed to take this job and had to leave her three kids with him for the four days and one of the kids was sick . When she spoke with him on the phone she could tell by his slurred words that he 'd been drinking and she was terrified something could happen to the kids . Besides that , her new husband was just laid off his job and she 's was so worried they wouldn 't have the money for bills or to properly take care of the 8 kids they have between them . She told us her world was falling apart . What did I do ? To be honest , I was caught off guard and didn 't do the right thing . I was caught in the downhill spiral and felt a little overwhelmed myself . Donna and I said we felt so bad for her and we would pray . She left and I felt this emptiness as I saw her walk away . I prayed for Valerie that night but I still had a niggling feeling that things weren 't quite right with how I handled the situation . I felt Donna had done the right thing but it was me . Somehow I missed something . I didn 't realize what it was until three days later . Jesus told me what was wrong . I 'm a minister and I should have taken her outside away from where all the other people were ( accept Donna of course ) , and prayed right there . That was when she really needed it . Jesus let me know that I 'd messed up big time and I needed to repent , which I did . Of course I felt terrible and I had to apologize to Valerie too . I 'd lost the opportunity to minister to my friend at her point of need . I was reminded of James 2 : 15 - 16 where it says , " If a brother or sister be naked , and destitute of daily food , and you say to that person , ' God be with you ! I hope you stay warm and get plenty to eat , ' but you do not give what that person needs , your words are worth nothing . " As it says in Hebrews 1 , " NOW faith is , " not later when I get around it it . This experience was a great wake - up call for me . We all have our strengths and weaknesses . But Jesus has given us the ability to overcome our weaknesses . My strength is in my writing . My weakness is in thinking on my feet and acting immediately . But I 'm determined , with Jesus ' help to change that , " redeeming the time , because the days are evil " ( Eph 5 : 16 ) . I don 't want to be " unwise , but understanding what the will of the Lord is " ( Eph 5 : 17 ) . " And that , knowing the time , that now it is high time to awake " ( Rom 13 : 11 ) . " Let the weak say , I am strong " ( Joel 3 : 10 ) . I hope this story is helpful to you and I know we 'll all be ministering more quickly and efficiently in the love of Christ . Posted on September 10 , 2015 by carolynmolica2013 Summer of 1969 . The orientation at my new college was over and I was headed back to the dorm . I was a stranger and alone in that Illinois farm town , a displaced hippie from San Francisco . Peace , love and Jesus had been my life for some time now and I felt out of place here . I toted a big leather , fringed handbag that I 'd made myself . I wore my combat boots under a long paisley skirt . My hair was long , my legs and armpits unshaven and I was a California flower child . But no flowers for me on this day . It was a sticky hot July and I was anxious to get back to the air conditioning . A car pulled up as I walked along , " You want a ride ? " I hesitated at first but I was from San Francisco where hitchhiking was my norm for transportation . I said , " Okay , thanks , " and got in . Big mistake . As we drove toward the edge of town I said , " This isn 't the way to the dorm . " And I panicked . There were three of them and I was in the back seat . I quickly opened the door and tried desperately to get out . I scraped my boot and twisted my leg trying to escape . One of them grabbed me and pulled me back in . He threatened me and locked the door . All I could see was corn fields . The car stopped . " Me first , " the cocky one in the front said . He exchanged seats with the guy in the back and raped me . Then the second one did the same . Frankly , the details are a blur . Then it was the third guy 's turn . I could feel his hesitation . The other two got out of the car and I just started witnessing to the kid . I told him the Lord Jesus wouldn 't be too happy with him if he went through with this . I told him God loved him and had better things in mind for him . I told him enough about the Lord 's love and got him born again right there . Without touching me , he yelled out to his friends that he was done . They got back in the car and he talked them into driving me back to town . The cocky one threatened to find me and kill me if I ever told . I had to go back to school there the very next month so I never told - I was too scared . The nightmares came but I eventually healed . When I look back , I wonder how I had the nerve to talk to a rapist about my Lord Jesus . But it just happened and that night changed his life forever . Fortunately for me , I didn 't get pregnant or have health or mental issues as a result of the rape . I was just thankful to be alive . I just read in Ecclesiastes about how even the secret things get revealed : " a bird of the air shall carry the voice and that which hath wings shall tell the matter . " My book is called WINGS . It reveals the secret things God wants us to know to be able to live a more victorious , joyful and fulfilling life . Use it as a devotional workbook or just enjoy reading the true life stories that call to your heart . |
Posted on December 15 , 2015 by Tiny Tino 4 I boarded my flight at Honolulu airport and settled down for the final leg of my around the world journey : the flight back to Sydney . The flight from Hawaii to Australia isn 't too bad , at least in terms of jet lag . I left Honolulu early on Friday morning , and arrived in Sydney late Saturday afternoon , but crossing the International Date Line hadn 't really affected my body clock too much . It was roughly a 10 hour flight , so it had just felt like a very long day on a plane . When I stepped out into the arrivals hall at Sydney airport , I was greeted by … well , nobody . Dane , who I had last seen in Berlin , was supposed to be picking me up , but when I connected to the free airport wifi I discovered that he was on his way , but stuck in traffic . It was almost laughable , that I had had so many people around the world greeting me in so many foreign cities , yet when I actually came home there was nobody there . My parents were out of town and wouldn 't be back until the New Year , and in reality this post - Christmas period was pretty busy for most people , so I understood why no one could make it . I just wandered out into the warm Sydney evening , taking a big whiff of that big city Australian air . After gallivanting around the world , sleeping on floors and couches and spare beds for the better part of the year , with a new adventure around every corner , I was finally home . It 's been two years since I arrived back in Sydney after that nine month tour of backpacking across the world . I 'm a little appalled at myself that I fell so far behind in the blogging , and that it took me this long to finish writing about it , but I 'm also pretty impressed with myself that I managed to stick it out and write it until the very end . A lot of people have asked me " How do you remember everything that happened ? " My answer is that , aside from having a very good memory , I figured it was only the most memorable things that would make the best stories , and I wasn 't at an age where my memory is going to be regularly failing on me . " But even the conversations ? Word for word ? " Most people wouldn 't be able to recount a conversation verbatim the very next day after having it , let alone two years later , so I obviously took a few creative liberties in constructing some of the dialogue , although all of it was as accurate as possible . " It might be tough at times , but it 's going to be amazing for you , " he 'd said to me as we gazed out over the water . " You 'll learn so much about yourself . A trip like that … it 's gonna change you . And if it doesn 't , well … you 're doing it wrong ! " he said with a laugh . As someone who had travelled the world over already as part of his job , I was inclined to take Rathana 's advice to heart . I would learn , I would grow , but I don 't think I was really prepared for how much travelling would actually change me . " I guess I 'm looking for inspiration . I don 't want to go back home to find myself in my old life , like nothing has changed at all . " Ralf just ran his fingers through my hair and smiled . " It will change you , " he said , as though it was a matter of fact . " You 'll feel different , and you 'll notice it even more when you go home . You 'll feel different from people who haven 't travelled , too . You 'll want to talk all about what you 've done , but for people who 've been at home living their lives this whole time … that 's going to get old pretty fast . " He paused and reconsidered his words with a chuckle . " That 's not to say people don 't care , it 's just … It will change you . Don 't worry about that . " " It 's true , travelling can be tough . You learn a lot about yourself and put up with a lot of stuff you never thought you ever could . But sometimes , after being away so long , going home can actually be the hardest part . " There was a solemnness in his voice , one that told me his advice was definitely coming from direct experience . " I mean , you see it with Americans all the time , so I assume with Australians too … when people have travelled , they 've seen the world . Experienced a different culture . Opened themselves up to what 's out there , even if it 's just a little bit . To go home to people stuck in their ways and their views , who 've never left their hometown and probably never will … it can be isolating . The more you know , the more you challenge yourself , and the more you can doubt yourself . Those people who are stuck in their ways , they 'll be so sure of themselves … but that 's all they 've ever known . " I sat there and took it all in , soaking up the sage advice like a sponge . " I just want it all to mean something , you know ? " Once again , I couldn 't shake the fear that I would return home from my life after nine months on the road to find that nothing had changed . " Maybe you won 't notice it now , because every day you 're in a new situation , but when you go home … you 'll notice it . You 'll change . But what I 'm saying is , it might be a little difficult to adjust . Not because you 're settling back into your old life , because - well , how could you ? You won 't be the same person . You 'll be changed . " Coming home was hard , and settling in was difficult . I met up with Georgia and Jesse again , and it was great to see all my old friends . We caught up for drinks and due to my lack of jet lag , we even hit the town and went out to Oxford St . " What 's the best thing about being home ? " everyone had asked me , and without hesitation I had told them how excited I was to sleep in my old bed again . So you can imagine the mixture of confusion , amusement and depression when I woke up the following morning on my couch , having passed out as soon as I 'd arrived home . I was supposed to have changed , I 'd thought to myself , beating myself up about how easily I had slipped into my old partying habits of yesteryear . But the changes presented themselves gradually . I had more to say in conversations , and I was able to better consider other peoples perspectives , and be more mindful of their cultures . But eventually even I got tired of hearing myself saying " Oh that reminds me of when I was in … " and casually dropping exotic place names in the middle of discussions , so I can imagine how over it the people around me must have been . It was like taking a fish from the ocean and placing it in the tiny fish bowl where it was born . It was satisfied , and it could live , but there was always a yearning for more once you knew there was more out there . It was the travel bug amplified tenfold , enraged by the fact it had been stuffed into a jar with only a few air holes to breathe . Yet the feeling would eventually pass , and you could wallow in the isolation , or you could use it as motivation to ready yourself for another trip . So no - one was really that surprised when I announced that I was leaving again , heading back to Berlin on a working holiday visa after only four months in Sydney . Though in that time I had fed the travel bug and fuelled the wanderlust by paying it forward and hosting Couchsurfers in my own home . I hosted people from Russia , Sweden , France , Germany and Poland , and all of them brought with them the same passion for exploring the world that I had had in my own journey . For all the perceived isolation that you might experience when you return from travelling , it was always worth it for all the amazing people that you meet along the way . I ended up seeing my New York sister Melissa much sooner than I had anticipated , after she flew back to Sydney to ( unsuccessfully ) patch things up with her long distance boyfriend . David , who I had briefly met in LA , ended up staying with me when he broke up with Danny and their holiday plans fell through , and he ended up spontaneously rebooking some flights to Sydney . Matt , the charming gentleman from Ireland , had also flown to Australia for a holiday , spending a few weeks here with me in Sydney . Then it was back to Berlin , where I stayed with Ralf for several weeks while I found my feet and searched for an apartment . Donatella was off galavanting somewhere else in Europe , and Nina and Simon had since moved to Brazil , but I had a blast living it up in the international hub of Europe , satisfying those cravings to meet new and exciting people . I 'd caught up with Rathana there again , due to his constant travelling for work , and even travelled back to Amsterdam for my second pride parade on the canals in as many years , where Joris and Thjis graciously opened their home to me again , and I was welcomed back like an old friend amongst their friendship circle . I was also visited by Kathi , who flew up from Vienna with her new girlfriend for a week in Berlin , and I myself took a short holiday over to London where I caught up with John and Richard and reminisced about the time four of us had consumed 10 bottles of wine , and also took a day trip down to Brighton to catch up with Laura and laugh about our crazy adventures in Cambodia . After arriving home from my time in Berlin , Umer from Switzerland arrived just in time for the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras festival , bringing with him a bunch of amazing friends , with whom I had such a great time in my own city , as we all helped to make the world a smaller yet undeniably friendlier place . I guess what I 'm trying to say with all this is that the people are what made my journey so unforgettable and amazing . Because even when you go home , and you 're living out your daily routine while the Great Wall of China or Christ the Redeemer are thousands of miles away , it 's the people that you are still able to maintain a connection with . Those new friendships that you forge and cherish , those are what really change you . As a sociology major , I 've always maintained that people were my passion , and it 's especially true when it comes to travelling . You could stay in a fancy hotel and see all the popular tourist attractions and take some amazing photographs , but to me , that 's still not really travelling . For some people it 's enough , but for me , nothing will ever beat the experience of meeting the locals in any given city , and the lifelong friendships that you can forge with seemingly random people from every corner of the globe . I started this blog as a project to keep me busy , so that I didn 't feel like I would come home with nothing to show from a year of travelling around the world . I couldn 't have been more wrong in those fears and assumptions . Travelling has changed me so much as a person , and I am quite content with the person that I have become . I quickly fell behind in updating the blog , but I 'd like to believe that that happened because I was so busy enjoying life , living in the moment , and experiencing every sensation in its fullest that I barely had time to write it down . When real life came back into the picture , I suddenly had a whole bunch of other priorities and projects to work on , but I refused to leave the story unfinished or untold . Maybe when I am old and grey , and my memory does actually start to fail me , I will be able to revisit these pages and relive the journey , but that won 't be for a long time ( I hope ) . So for now , I 'd like to thank you , the readers of my blog , for taking this journey with me , and experiencing vicariously all the wonders in the world I was so fortunate enough to come across . Hopefully I have inspired some of you to plan and undergo your own journeys , because in my honest opinion , there is no better food for the soul than travel . Posted on January 4 , 2015 by Tiny Tino 2 Often when I reflect on my travels I find myself becoming rather overwhelmed when I remember all the random acts of kindness that I experienced from almost complete strangers . Being a backpacker and travelling the world can be an amazing and fulfilling journey , but anyone who 's done it will tell you that it isn 't always easy . You find yourself in some pretty desperate situations , preparing yourself for the worst , when out of nowhere these people descend like guardian angels to remind you that it 's not as bad as it seems , and often offer a helping hand or a shoulder to lean on . I 've already written specifically about this idea before , about the somewhat surprising friendliness and hospitality I received in Russia , and whether it 's been through Couchsurfing , friends of friends , or quite literally strangers on the street , some of my most memorable experiences have been when someone who barely knew me decided to take a chance on me , completely out of the goodness of their heart . But there 's one story in particular that seems almost too good to be true that I often have to remind myself that it wasn 't actually a dream … After a week of fun , exploring Rio and hanging out with Tom , the morning that my bus was due to depart back to São Paulo finally arrived . It was just past dawn when I had to get up , but Tom even got up as well and made a bit of breakfast and called me a taxi . I have to admit , I got a little emotional when he accompanied me down to the street to say goodbye - we 'd become pretty close during my short stay . I had stayed with a lot of Couchsurfing hosts so far , and I 'd gotten on really well with every single one of them , but often our friendships were formed around learning about each others cultures , languages and customs . But I think Tom and I had more in common than any of my previous hosts , and our friendship formed so easily and naturally , although it was based on some weird , distant familiarity rather than any kind of cultural discovery . I was definitely sad to be leaving , and I gave him a big hug before climbing into the taxi , and wishing him all the best for his remaining time in Brazil . He wished me well on my travels , and waved until the taxi had disappeared around the corner . I 'd gone with the taxi option for getting to the bus stop because there was very little traffic at that time of day , and so I made it there quite quickly and it was relatively cheap . I was grateful that I had sorted out the issues with my ticket the afternoon that I had arrived in Rio , so it was smooth sailing from there and onto the bus . It was even more empty than the bus from São Paulo had been , and the WIFI was even working this time , so I slept a little bit and otherwise kept myself amused for the six hour bus ride . When I finally made it back to São Paulo , I tried to get in touch with Fausto . When I had been booking my bus tickets to and from Rio , he had suggested that I arrive back in São Paulo with plenty of time before my flight , and offered for me to swing by his apartment to have a shower , freshen up , and have some dinner before getting another taxi to the airport . However , I hadn 't been in touch with him since the morning I left São Paulo just under a week ago , and I hadn 't even ended up meeting him or any of his friends while I had been in Rio . I had exchanged a few text messages with one of his friends , but in the end the plans hadn 't matched up very well , so I 'd spent my time hanging out with Tom . I stared at that final message , a clear allusion to the fact I was not going to be seeing him again before I left Brazil . A combination of anger , frustration and nervousness began brewing inside me . It 's easy to play the blame game - we hadn 't contacted each other while I 'd been away , and I had assumed that our previous plans had still been in order , while clearly he hadn 't . Maybe he was mad that I hadn 't met him or his friends while I was in Rio ? Maybe he had legitimately forgotten and was just too busy to have me come over for those last few hours ? Maybe I was reading too much into it , but his messages didn 't seem to indicate I was at all welcome , so I found myself facing the prospect of another nine hours in this city with nowhere to go , no one to call , and speaking practically none of the native language . I think it was the first time in the entire two weeks that I had spent in Brazil where I actually felt scared . I could have headed straight to the airport , but it was just after 4pm , and my flight was scheduled to leave at 1am . There had to be better ways to spend my last hours in Brazil than sitting on the floor in the airport terminal , so after catching a bus further into the city I wandered around until I found something - anything - familiar . And that 's how I found myself in a Subway restaurant , desperately begging the employee for the WIFI password on the condition that I bought a sandwich . I must have looked as desperate as I felt , because he looked overcome with sympathy and gave it to me , despite it not being their usual policy . I thanked him profusely , and began scouring the web on my iPad while eating my food . What I wanted more than anything was a shower , or some way of freshening up and maybe putting on a clean outfit before boarding the plane . I 'd already done a lot of travelling that morning , so I wasn 't feeling particularly great , and I still had a long slight ahead of me . A quick search of the airport at Guarulhos told me that it was absolutely awful and had no such amenities I 'd be able to use , so I searched for anywhere where I might be able to use a shower . There were a few beauty salons and health spas , some of which might have had showers but none that explicitly said so - as far as I could tell and translate - and none that were close enough that I would be able to get there before they closed for the day . There were pools and gyms , but anything like that required some kind of membership , and I wasn 't about to sign up to a Brazilian gym just for a shower . In the end I realised there was one place where I knew I would be welcome that would definitely have a shower - a gay sauna . As fate would have it , there was one that wasn 't even too far away - relatively , for São Paulo - and as the battery of my iPad was quickly depleting , it was coming to crunch time and I had to make a decision . I 'd been writing down a bunch of addresses on some scrap paper , but in the end I left the Subway , found a taxi , and showed him the address for the sauna . It was about 15 minutes away , and when I arrived I was still feeling that bitter combination of frustration and nervousness . The place didn 't look like a sauna at all - it was a big , spooky looking house with lots of lush greenery in the front garden , tall fences , and a path that presumably led to a front door which was concealed by the vegetation . I followed it through the garden and arrived at the building , and I had to ring a doorbell and be buzzed in . I didn 't need to say anything , but I imagine there was some kind of camera , what with everything I had seen in Brazil about security measures so far . Once I was inside , it definitely felt a lot more like a sauna . There was a pretty sleazy vibe in the place , and there were a couple of guys sitting around the main entry room , talking quietly or gathering their things to leave . I tried to talk to the guy who was sitting at the payment office , but he didn 't speak much English . " Your … your bag ? What are you going to do with it ? " He was referring to my huge backpack strapped to my shoulders , containing most of my worldly possessions . " I just … I wanted … " I was already regretting my decision to come here - clearly it wasn 't working out . " Don 't they have lockers ? " " Well , yes , " the tall guy said , " but not that big . And you can 't leave it here … No , I wouldn 't leave it . It 's not safe here . Are you … are you okay ? " I sighed , realising how pointless this endeavour had been . " Yeah , I 'm fine . Just looking for a place to freshen up . " I turned around , marched out of there , and plonked myself down on the gutter , completely out of ideas . After about five minutes , the tall guy came up the path and out of the greenery , and noticed me sitting by myself . " Hi … You know , if you 're looking for a place to stay , there are a few cheap hotels up the road . I could help you check into one , if you like ? " I ended up explaining my entire situation to him , and he listened carefully . " Well , I don 't know , exactly . But you shouldn 't stay here . Do you want to try one of the hotels ? " At this point I was just grateful for some company , so I agreed to at least walk with him on his way home . His name was Rafael , and he asked me some more curious questions about myself , so I told him all about my travels . " Wow , an Australian , " he said with a gentle smile , " so far from home ! Anyway , I mean , I would offer for you to come spend a few hours at my place , but , I don 't think my boyfriend would like that . " He giggled a little and smiled , and even though it didn 't really solve anything , I couldn 't help but smile back , and I guess that made me feel a little happier . " It 's no problem . When I was younger , I was living in England . I met so many lovely people , and they were always so nice and generous to me . Now , when I meet a traveller in my home country , I want to help those people in the same way other people helped me . " It was such a kind and simple adherence to the ' pay it forward ' mentality that it actually made my heart swell just a little bit . I 'd been so scared of running into less than favourable strangers in Brazil , yet here I was wandering down the street with a man who seemed to be the epitome of selfless kindness . " You know , thank you so much , but you really don 't have to do this , " I said as we left the second one . " I 'd only be around for a few hours anyway , it 's probably not even worth it . " But he dismissed my concerns , insisting that there was another hotel nearby that would definitely have some room . I shrugged and followed him , not really having any other bright ideas of my own . This third place was a little nicer looking that the previous two , and after talking to the receptionist for a couple of minutes , Rafael turned to me with a grin and signalled me with a thumbs up . However , when I 'd reached into my wallet to sort out the last of my real , he shook his head and shooed my money away . I was totally shocked . This man who I had met no more than half an hour ago was willing to fully pay for a hotel room that he knew I was only going to spend a few hours showering and possibly sleeping in . I know in a lot of other ' stranger danger ' situations that that would seem incredibly creepy , but there was nothing sleazy or suspicious about Rafael at all . He finalised the booking , explained my situation to the staff and said that I would be leaving again that evening , and than accompanied me up to the room to make sure everything was as it should be . It was a small , simple room with two single beds , a small desk and a bathroom , but it was all that I needed . Rafael wrote down his phone number , and told me to call him if I had any other problems while I was in Berlin . " You just have to pay it forward , " he said with a smile . " You sounded like you were having a terrible afternoon . I would hate that to be your final , lasting impression of my country . " " Well , you 've completely turned it around with this ! " I said with a smile . " If you 're ever in Australia , I 'll be sure to make it up to you . " And with that we said our goodbyes , and I showered , packed and even had time to squeeze in a quick nap . Eventually the time came for me to head to the airport , and I managed to take a photo of the Octávio Frias de Oliveira Bridge , possibly one of the more recognisable sites of São Paulo . It had been shrouded in fog on the morning of my arrival , but tonight it was lighting up the night . The rest of my night at the airport went by smoothly . I checked my bags , ate some food , did some duty free shopping with my remaining cash and then just enjoyed the serenity of an empty airport , with short queues and very little noise . But the whole time I couldn 't wipe the smile off my face due to the whole completely unexpected act of kindness that Rafael had done for me . Something that like can really restore your faith in humanity , and I really wonder if he knows just how much he completely turned around my bad day . And I think the most beautiful thing about those random acts of kindness , helping out strangers in need , is that when they do deeply affect someone , they don 't just stop there . Because I do believe that a person is more likely to pass that kindness on , pay it forward , and contribute to someone else 's life by doing something that could mean so little to them , but mean the world to that someone else . I know it 's definitely changed my perspective on the world . The world can be a scary and terrible place , but if you give it a chance , there is an abundance of kindness just waiting to be unleashed upon you and make it all worthwhile . Posted on December 19 , 2014 by Tiny Tino Reply For a city that has a handful of extremely recognisable and world famous icons , I didn 't do an awful lot of sightseeing in Rio de Janerio . James had mentioned the cable car ride to Sugarloaf Mountain , a pretty popular tourist attraction on the eastern edge of the city . Though , when I 'd probed Tom about it later , he had shrugged , appearing pretty indifferent . " I mean , yeah , it 's a great view , " he said . " It 's one of those things that everyone just does , know you ? Almost without thinking about it . If you do go , just make sure it 's on a day when the weather is nice and clear . " I 'd taken the advice into account , but there was no denying that on the bright and sunny days , the allure of the beach down the road was far more powerful than any urge to climb a mountain . The same could be said for Christ the Redeemer - the journey to actually get up the mountain to the base of the monument wasn 't a breezy walk in the park , and I can 't admit to having any strong spiritual calling from Jesus to go look at the huge idol up close . So I settled for the glimpses that Tom and I had had of the statue through the clouds on our hike a little closer to home , satisfied that I was probably experiencing a few more interesting things in Brazil than statues and landscapes . But there was one other sight in particular that James had described that had piqued my interest much more than either of the mountains . " There 's the steps at Lapa , " he 'd said as he rattled off a quick list of things that would be worth seeing , and perhaps it was the fact it was something I 'd never actually heard of that made me research the steps and eventually want to go and see them . I jumped on Google and did a brief search of some of the other sights in the area - Lapa was a neighbourhood closer to the centre of Rio de Janeiro - and on one of the afternoons where Tom was at work , I set out via the bus and metro to explore a little bit more of the city . I found Rio to be a curious city because it felt very decentralised . I 'm much more familiar with the concept of a city centre , an obvious hub of activity that has a greater population density , is usually a little more expensive than the rest of the city , and has lots of things to see and do and entertain the tourists . But as soon as I stepped off the metro and emerged into the more central streets of Rio , I realised this wasn 't the case . The touristic focus of the city is by and large the coastal areas , and the regions that have the gorgeous beaches and natural beauty within the landscapes . That 's what people want to do and see when they come to Rio - I too had been primarily more interested in catching some rays and working on my tan than I ever had been about the sights I was about to visit . Now , Rio is a pretty big city , so maybe there was a more accurate , central hub that I didn 't know about . To be fair , most of the city it actually based long the coast , around the mountains and the landscapes , and so the " centre " really just seemed to be the midpoint between the northern and southern parts of the coast . But the area I was in looked not far off being a ghost town . A lot of the buildings looked particularly old and run down , graffiti and litter were present - not overwhelmingly , but consistently - and I was very quickly introduced to another far less glamorous side of the city , which I had a feeling didn 't see half as many tourists as the beaches at Copacabana or Ipanema . It told a different story , a toned down version of the rife poverty that existed in the favelas over the hill , the concentration of the Brazilian slums . It was actually quite confronting , and for the first time during my stay in Rio I actually felt the mild presence of danger and the need for a little more caution than usual - a fear that I had been secretly harbouring about the city yet had never before now been actualised . But I kept my wits about me and moved on , taking a few photographs of the significant buildings and trying me best to not look too much like an ignorant tourist . Firstly there was the Teatro Municipal , considered one of the most important and beautiful theatres in the whole of Brazil . After that I made my way further west over to Lapa , where there were two more sights that I had read about . The first was the Arches of Lapa : the ancient Carioca Aqueduct . When I first read about them , I assumed I had just misheard James say ' steps ' , but they were actually something else entirely . I have to admit , I was expecting a little more than what I saw . To be fair , there was nothing misleading about the name - the were definitely arches . However , they 're been described as great architectural feat , a landmark of the city , and I couldn 't help but feel a little disappointed when I discovered the building looking particularly dirty on one end , as though it had suffered some major neglect . Although in the end it all ended up feeling rather fitting for the ghost town vibe I was starting to get from the area . Honestly , I hadn 't done that much research into what the steps actually were , so I was completely blown away when I stumbled across them . The entire staircase had essentially been turned into an artwork , with barely a patch of free cement that wasn 't adorned by a tile or ceramic in some way . There were words in the steps , there were flags , there were pictures - it was such a complex and diverse range of colours and images , there was nothing you could do but slowly ascend the staircase while marvelling at the walls around you , taking care to not trip up them in the process . There was a substantially larger amount of tourists on the steps , too - it seems as though this is one of the few attractions that people venture out this way to actually visit . I took my time picking out some fellow tourists who seemed trustworthy enough , and asked them to take my picture on the steps . It was actually quite a long staircase , and as I climbed further I realised that the staircase was actually a street . There were houses along either side , front doors opening directly onto the staircase , and I few times I actually noticed Brazilian families coming and going from their homes . I wondered what it must be like to literally live on a tourist attraction - frustrating at times , but surely a beautiful backdrop to spend even the most relaxed and casual days of your life . When I reached the top , it was interesting to gaze back down the steps and realise how unremarkable they looked from above . Almost all of the tiled surfaces faced downwards , and you could only really be confronted with all the colours as you climbed the staircase . I sat there at the top of the steps , partly to sit and marvel at the complexity and beauty of the whole thing , and also partly because I had discovered an adorable little stray cat which I couldn 't stop photographing . The steps were really interesting though , and something I was so glad I had taken the time and effort to go and see . Now , whenever I see a movie that 's set in Brazil and there is a visual of the steps at Lapa , no matter how brief or insignificant , I can 't help but shout out " Hey , I 've been there ! " to anyone who will listen . It wasn 't a hugely popular attraction , such as , say , the Eiffel Tower , and I think the fact that there were less people made it even more memorable , and something that I really will carry with me for the rest of my life . That day was the only real sightseeing that I did while I was in Rio . After seven months on the road , it 's a little difficult to muster up the enthusiasm for that kind of thing all the time , but I felt satisfied with what I had managed to see . The rest of the sunny days I spent hanging out with Tom , going to the beach with him and James , and for the most part just relaxing and taking it easy . People sometimes underestimate how taxing on your mind and body travelling can be . Sure , it 's essentially an extended holiday , but you 're constantly moving your body around from one unfamiliar environment to the next , and all the new things you see and learn about and discover can build up to overwhelm your mind . Rio provided the perfect opportunity for me to just kick back , soak up the sun , sand and sea , and really not have a care in the world . Posted on December 10 , 2014 by Tiny Tino 3 I have to admit , my stay in Rio de Janeiro was not quite like how I had originally imagined it . Around the world , the name brings to mind exotic images of the legendary Carnival , and belly dancers in the streets and lavish , feathered costumes and parties on the beach and … well , I guess I can 't really speak for the rest of the world , but it 's definitely considered a bit of party city . So I surprised myself at how little partying I actually did while I was in town . I spent a great deal of my time outside , either on the beach or taking walks through the neighbourhoods and some of the nearby greenery , or just hanging out with Tom . When I finally got up for the second time that morning , I decided one of the first things I wanted to see was the beach . Firstly I grabbed some breakfast at a café on the adjacent tourist street , full of bars and restaurants that catered for the English - speaking crowds , but as I went to head straight to the beach I found myself having second thoughts . I 'd heard my fair share of horror stories about getting robbed or mugged on the beach in Rio , and while I 'd had to make some pretty dodgy security arrangements for previous beach visits , it didn 't make sense to take my bag with my phone and wallet in it down to the beach when I was staying in Ipanema , such a short distance away . So I headed back to Tom 's apartment , lathered myself up with sunscreen , and headed off down to the beach . I didn 't even bother wearing a shirt - all I had was my towel , my thongs , and the swim shorts I was wearing , with the apartment key safely secured in one of the sealable pockets . The day was overcast , but temperatures were still warm and humid . This meant it was still warm enough to go swimming , and there were significantly less crowds due to the fact nobody was sunbathing . It was actually perfect . The cloudy weather also made the beach beautiful in it 's own mysterious way , to the point where I actually returned to the apartment after my swim so that I could fetch my iPhone and take a picture . But it was so lovely to be in the ocean again - I hadn 't been swimming in the sea since my dip into the beach in Amsterdam , and as someone who grew up on a coastal city , I was realising for the first time how much I really did love the sun , the sand and the surf , and how much I missed it when it wasn 't in my life . So I didn 't do a great deal that day except for be unashamedly lazy , and indulge in the beach bum lifestyle while I had a chance . That evening Tom and I just hung out at home . We ended up bonding over a mutual understanding of certain pop culture references , and I introduced him to Ja ' mie King : Private School Girl . He couldn 't get enough of it , and we pretty much exhausted the collection of clips that YouTube have of the hilariously offensive Australian character . Later we ended up watching an episode of American Horror Story : Coven on TV , since it was the only thing that was in English . The TV was in his bedroom , so we were lying on his bed watching it . Tom must have noticed me start to doze off at some point in the evening . " Really ? Are you sure ? " I 'd hate to feel like I was intruding on personal space , but Tom did have a double bed and the sofa bed was one of the hardest things I 'd ever slept on . " Yeah , it 's cool . Honestly , I don 't mind , I just thought it would be a bit creepy to offer on the very first night , " he said with a laugh . But we 'd instantly taken to each other as friends , so when the time came to sleep we very comfortably crashed there together , and I ended up doing so for the rest of my stay in Rio . The following afternoon , when Tom had some free time , we went for an easy hike up the mountain that was located in the park by the lagoon , Lagoa Rodrigo de Freitas . The national park of the side of the hill was semi - dense rainforest , but once again the weather was humid and overcast , which made the day warm but not too blistering hot with intense sunshine . It was a pretty peaceful and pleasant walk through the natural surroundings , getting away from the hustle and bustle of the streets and the beach . On the walk back down we found ourselves locked in at the gates to the park , so we had to ask one of the groundskeepers to let us out via the service exit . We chatted as we walked back to Tom 's place , watching kids playing in the park and locals jog around the flat areas by the lagoon . We also stopped to sample something that Tom insisted was an important part of local Brazilian life . I don 't know if there was an actual Portuguese name for it , but essentially it was just a purple frozen smoothie , made from the pulp of the açaí berries , found on the palms of the same name which were native to Brazil . It didn 't have a very strong flavour , but it was common to throw in little extras or add - ins to make it more exciting . I got a small cup and mixed in muesli , while Tom had protein mixed into his larger one . I can 't say I was a huge fan , but it wasn 't too bad . While I did spend most of my evenings just hanging out with Tom , but there was one night where we did do a bit of partying . I 'd failed to get in touch with any of Fausto 's friends in regards to invitations or offers to join them at their parties , but I much preferred hanging out with Tom and James instead , so that 's what I did . On Saturday night James came over to Tom 's and the three of us drank vodka and laughed and caught up , and James gave me some advice and suggestions about things that I could see or do during my last few days in Rio de Janerio . There was also a lot of Ja ' mie quotes being thrown back and forth , and for a minute I actually felt like I was back at home in Sydney , between the mindless banter and the crude jokes and figuring out if we had enough vodka left to make a decent roadie or if we should do a few shots before heading to the club . Honestly , I can 't tell you what we decided about the roadie , but eventually we were in a taxi to a place called 00 ( Zero Zero ) , supposedly a pretty popular gay bar in the area . When we got there we went through the whole process of getting IDs checked and registered and being assigned a tab card , but after going through the same drill so many times in São Paulo it felt basically normal . The club was an interesting space , with an indoor seating area , a huge outdoor patio , and a dance floor that kind of blended into both of them . Tom , James and I got our first beers and sat down outside , since the night air was nice and warm , and it was only a matter of time before we were approached by some of the local men . I have to admit , a large percentage of Brazilian men are absolutely gorgeous , but so many of them have this weird charm about them that would come across as super sleazy if it were anyone else . But somehow it just makes them seem cheeky and romantic . Or maybe it was just sleazy and I was blind to it , I honestly can 't say . I also discovered that a lot of Brazilian gay men were very flaky and unreliable , and despite strongly insisting that they would " be right back " , there was really only a 50 % chance you would ever see his face again . So based on personal experience , I guess I now have a few trust issues with some of the locals ( although , if we 're being honest , it seems more like typical gay bar behaviour than anything else ) . It was a fun night , with the three of us continuously being separated and reunited throughout the course of the evening , each time a little bit more drunk and having some other bizarre social interaction to report . The music was a mix of pop and funky traditional music , and a few times I found myself being awkwardly dragged through a drunken two step tango by a sensual Brazilian gentleman , though for all the ballroom dancing classes I 'd taken in high school I still struggled to keep up with his lead . The dance floor was fun and wild , though I had a fair share of unwanted attention while shaking my hips to Shakira and insisting that they didn 't lie . Though Tom was great for that - he was a well built guy and at least six feet tall , towering over literally everyone in the club , so I could always just fall back and swoop behind him for protection . I don 't know what time it was when we eventually decided to call it a night , but we were all danced out and our skin had a light sheen of sweat . We checked ourselves out of the club and paid , then piled into a taxi and headed back to Ipanema . Once we were in the general vicinity of home , we got out and parted ways with James , who wandered off in the other direction to his hostel while Tom and I headed home . However , the amount of dancing that we 'd been doing combined with the amount I had drank meant that I was totally unashamed in telling Tom how hungry I was and pleaded that we stopped somewhere to get greasy , post - drinking food . Of course , he agreed - I was his guest , after all - and after we wandered through a few streets we found a place that was open 24 hours . The service was less than satisfactory at such early hours of the morning , but that didn 't matter once we 'd been served our burgers , chicken legs , and our delicious plate of bacon and cheddar fries . After that we headed straight home , showered and crashed into bed . As beautiful as the beaches and the natural surroundings and the hiking had been , I couldn 't have let myself leave Rio without doing at least some partying . And even though it was the only night in Rio de Janeiro that I had spent partying , it was a damn good one . Posted on December 4 , 2014 by Tiny Tino 1 After about a week in São Paulo , it was time for me to move on . When I had first arrived in Brazil I had discussed with Fausto my options for visiting other cities , and whether there was an easy and affordable way to get to any of them . The city that was first and foremost in my mind was obviously Rio de Janeiro , and Fausto told me that it was only about six hours on a bus to get there . After some of the other long - haul journeys I 'd taken , six hours on a bus seemed like nothing at all , so I went ahead and booked a ticket leaving São Paulo in about a weeks time . However , I also had to book my return ticket , since I already had my flight booked out of Brazil from São Paulo , something I 'd had to do in a split second decision during my minor crisis at Dublin airport . After doing that , I spent my free time during the rest of the week looking for somewhere to stay while I would be in Rio . Fausto was looking up and recommending some pretty cool looking hostels - and most importantly , advising me on all the better areas of the city in which I should stay - but I directed more of my efforts into searching for Couchsurfing hosts and writing requests , and in the end it paid off : a friendly - looking American gay guy in his mid - 20s who was currently living in Ipanema had agreed to host me . Jump forward in time , after my nights of drinking and partying in São Paulo and waking up in the wrong city , and I was on my way to the bus station , using the public transportation of São Paulo for the first time . Fausto hadn 't spoken too highly of it , but there wasn 't anything wrong with it , really . I had to catch a bus and then two different metro lines before I got to the major bus terminal , and it took over an hour to eventually get there , but everything went smoothly and according to plan , and nobody tried to rob or pick pocket me in broad daylight , so I have no complaints . I actually overestimated how long it would take me to arrive , since I had also allowed enough time to pick up my tickets and make sure I knew where I was going within the terminal - a process which turned out to be remarkably simple - so I ended up having to sit around for a little while waiting for my departure time . Although , to be sure , that 's definitely a better feeling than sprinting through there terminal because you 're running late . Once we were on board and finally got moving , I chatted for a little bit to the guy who was sitting next to me , but eventually he moved away to where there were two empty seats , so I had a little more room for the rest of the journey . It was a beautiful day outside , and Brazil has some gorgeous countryside scenery , so I just relaxed and was able to quite comfortably enjoy the ride . I arrived around in the late afternoon , but before I went off into the city I decided to pick up my ticket for my bus ride home , so that I didn 't have to worry about it in the early morning when I was departing . I am so thankful that I decided to do that , because since both my journeys had been booked with two different bus services - yet I 'd only received one printed confirmation when I booked them together - there was a huge misunderstanding within the entire system . I was sent from counter to counter of the different bus companies , trying to explain to people what I had done and what I was trying to do , with the fact only about half the people spoke any English proving to be a rather large hurdle . It took almost another hour of exasperatedly trying to make myself understood before they realised they were looking for my booking in the wrong place . After that , it was was simple as it had been at the station in São Paulo , but I secretly thanked myself for having the foresight of going through that whole ordeal earlier rather than when I actually had a bus to catch . After all that had happened , I followed the directions my Couchsurfing host had given me to get from the bus terminal to his place . There was a bus route that would take me most of way , right down to the beach in Ipanema , one of the better known neighbourhoods in the south of Rio De Janerio . His directions were very good and I had no problems finding the place , but he 'd told me to send him a text message when I arrived , rather than dialling any buzzer or number . I arrived to find a nice looking apartment building with the typical Brazilian level of security - this particular building had a tall black wrought iron fence - so I sent my new host a message and waited . The timing couldn 't have been better , actually , because he was just arriving home minutes after I had sent the message . " So , the reason you can 't dial my apartment , " Tom said as we went through the gate and around to the elevator , " is that it used to be the maids quarters to the apartment next door . So if you ring the bell , it just goes to their apartment . " I chuckled to myself , wondering how many awkward situations that might have caused for Tom in the past , but once I arrived he had a spare set of keys for me , so that wasn 't something I 'd have to worry about while I was staying with him . " Though I gotta warn you , it 's obviously not the biggest place , " he said with a chuckle himself , but I assured him it wouldn 't be a problem . It was a pretty small space , but not too small - although ' cozy ' isn 't exactly the best descriptor for somewhere in the humid tropics , that 's kind of how it felt . There was a main room that was essentially a living room , dining room and kitchen all in one , a small bathroom , and a separate bedroom . There was a sofa that folded out into a bed , although it took about half the room when it was open , so we left it shut for the time being . I settled in a little bit as Tom and I chatted and got to know each other . I told him about where I 'd been so far , and he was pretty excited to learn that I 'd visited his hometown of Baltimore . I think he was overcome with a wave of nostalgia when I pulled out the timetables of the MARC train that I had caught from DC to get there , which had been sitting in the bottom of my backpack since then . We were already getting on really well , and I was confident I 'd already made another success story to add to my Couchsurfing experiences . When I 'd been in São Paulo , some of Fausto 's friends had told me that they were going to be going to Rio the same weekend that I was going be there , and invited me to come and join them at the parties that they were going to be attending . From the way they had described them , it sounded like they were going to be pretty over the top and lavish events , but I had told them I would have to wait and see what the situation was like with my Couchsurfing host in Rio . I can only imagine how rude it would look to turn up on someone 's doorstep , drop your bags off and then head off straight away to hang out with someone else . Though Tom turned out be a really cool guy , so when he told me that there was a friend of a friend of his in town who was also from Australia , and that he 'd said we would be meeting up with him for a drink that evening , I decided to join them instead of chasing up Fausto 's friends . While they 'd all been incredibly nice and welcoming during my time in São Paulo , I never felt like I 'd totally fitted in with their kind of crowd . They were all a bit older , and all about finer and nicer things - half the time I felt like I didn 't currently possess any clothes that would meet the dress code to wherever they were going . Tom , on the other hand , was a totally chilled out guy who was living the casual , simplistic life of an ex - pat who lived a five minute walk away from a Brazilian beach , with zero hint of pretentiousness . There was definitely already a good connection between the two of us , so I stuck with him and headed out to meet this other Australian . James and Tom had never met each other , but had been put touch by a mutual friend that Tom had met during his time previously visiting Australia . As a traveller it 's always nice to have a gay - friendly point of contact or someone you can meet up with when you arrive in a new place , especially in potentially dangerous places such as Brazil . We met James outside Tom 's building and had a quick greeting followed by a couple of awkward moments establishing how we all actually knew each other . " I wanna try a Caipirinha , " James had said when it came time for the next round , and he proceeded to study the menu . " They 're supposed to be the speciality here in Brazil . " This was all news to me , so Tom and James explained : a Caipirinha is a cocktail made with muddled limes , ice , sugar and cachaça , a type of Brazilian rum made from sugar cane . However , in Brazil they don 't use limes , but a kind of green lemon called ' limon subtil ' that is native to the region . We sat in the bar chatting for at least a few hours . James was a really nice guy too . He 'd been travelling around South America for a few months , and we both agreed it was kind of nice to talk to someone who actually perfectly understood all the weird slang words and ' Australian - isms ' that we tend to use in everyday language without even realising it . We even confused Tom a few times , but we all got on really well . After a while we decided to leave and possibly head elsewhere . There was a gay night at q nightclub that James had heard about and wanted to check out , so Tom walked us there , but it looked a little dodgy and not that great . I was actually feeling pretty worn down from my bus trip , and no one was really in that much of a partying mood - I think it was a Tuesday , after all - so we ended up bidding James goodnight as he headed back to his hostel , and Tom and I went back to his place to crash and call it a night . It had been a quiet but really enjoyable evening , and all in all I was already pretty pleased with how my stay in Rio was turning out . |
Mom . Widow . Fearless . I am full service female . With absolute certainty I can say that I am a Raging French Roast addict , Acid Tongued Smart Ass , but most of all , I am a Real Deal Steel Magnolia . Fearless Well it 's Christmas again . The Hellidays have come and I am still standing . I am not medicated and I am sober . I would hazard to say that I am clearer headed than I have been in years . Are you frightened yet ? This time of year I generally take stock of my life and look at the checklist I made for myself in my head to see how I have progressed . This year has been a stiff learning curve but for the most part I have made great strides toward sanity . Well not necessarily sanity , but some semblance of normalcy that I haven 't had in almost four years . I am working . I get up every morning and walk out of the house into the public spectrum . I leave my sadness and grief on the floor of the bedroom like my discarded pajamas . I smile . I laugh . I don 't feel guilty . Not everyone understands me or the way I choose to live my life and that is fine . I make no excuses . I make no explanations . I am unafraid to say " This is well and truly none of your business . " I am who I am . All of that being said , there is a sadness to me that will probably never leave . I have lost much . I have grieved hard . The other side of that coin is that I love hard . If one has never known true sadness how do you recognize true joy ? I feel deeply . I love boundlessly . This will necessarily leave me open to deep pain . I have come to acknowledge that my tears will never completely dry . But they are not always tears of sadness . I cry in joy almost as easily . I am blessed to be in touch with my emotions . This however comes with a temper and a sometimes harsh , unapologetic tongue if I am defending someone I care about these days . I have no urge to defend myself . I have no need . I know who I am and what you think of me has little to no bearing as to what I will or will not accept . I do not require your approval or permission to be happy . This year has taught me to open my eyes . I see selfishness in people . I see childishness and pettiness . I see lies and alibis . I see people who will only love me if I meet there expectations of whom they have painted me to be in their mind . I see people who would try to exploit my weaknesses or my shortcomings . I choose to turn and walk away . I will not arm you to hurt me . I am polite and courteous . But their time in my life is coming short . Unless you can support my dreams and love me where I am , I have no need of your companionship . I am done with the drama . I am blessed with a few really good friends . Those truly close to me are a small handful of extraordinary people in my eyes . They hold my hands when they are shaking either in brokenness or in fury . They know me to be a faithful friend . They know me to be an unwavering advocate for those I love . They know I will stand with them whether it be behind , beside or between them when they need me . More than that , they support me and they support my dreams . They believe in me . They wrap their arms around me when I am in the floor of my heart to pick me up and start again . They cheer for me when I am on the ceiling . I have come to know that they believe in my heart to fight another day . They believe in my wisdom to do what is right regardless of the cost to me personally . If I can face myself in the daylight with the decisions I made the day before , I 'm good . I 'm real good . The apple of my eye is Drew . He is my heart in another body . But I have relinquished my Mommy role . I am his Mom . He makes my heart soar . I am so proud of the man I raised . He is funny . He is tenacious . He is heartfelt . He is wise . He is a good man . He is a lot of his father . He is a lot of my brother . But he is all himself . I cannot take credit for who he is . I am honored to have him in my life . He allows me to be a confidant . He allows me to be his friend . I see his strength . I see his struggle . I see his heart . He is not jaded . He is not bitter . He is my true north . I am looking forward to 201hunibuni Martyrs and Saints . Well here comes his birthday again . If one more person says something stupid about their advice or experiences regarding what I should do about it , I 'm going to jail . I have heard everything from " You should release balloons in his honor ! " ( Doesn 't that kill something innocent somewhere when they drop ? You do know they don 't really make it to heaven right ? ) to " Why not buy him a cake and celebrate ? " ( Well you know he was a diabetic and couldn 't have a piece of cake if he were here right ? ) How about I do whatever in the hell it takes for me to see the sun rise the next morning ? I might cry . I might work . I might drink . I might sleep . I very well might do everything I said and more . But as long as I get out of the bed the next morning , then I did what I should have to celebrate his birthday . We generally spent his birthday quietly . A card . A waffle . A present . Last year I walked outside at midnight and whispered to the sky . I cried . Because I well and truly miss him . Strangely I find that people also tend to forget who Richard was in real life . They forget a hot temper and at times a foul mouth . They don 't remember the man . They remember the myth . He was perfect and good and true . Just like a saint . Saint Richard . Never forget I loved this man . I loved him because of his faults not in - spite of them . I loved his clumsiness . I loved his silliness . I loved the fire in his belly when things were wrong or unfair . But I argued with him incessantly . We fought like we loved each other : Hard and without mercy . He laughed when I practiced my " flying phone technique " on a customer service representative and when I picked it up to continue yelling . I laughed when he was offended and lost his mind on doctors , lawyers and police officers . The man I loved had to go sit in his truck when our son had a car accident because the man who hit him was uninjured in the wreck . The man I loved was the most feared of his brothers and the smallest . The man I loved was a hard man and he loved me hard . He was mischievous . He could be malicious . Richard was many things in this life , but never , was he ever , a Saint . The same people who have canonized my husband have determined that I am to be a Martyr . I am a poor victim of life and I should lie down . Lie down to die . I have been through many things in this life . The key word here is through . I have survived things that could chill your blood . Sometimes they have chilled mine . But I am no ones victim . The same woman who beat the phone over the granite counter - top until it was in fifty pieces whilst on the phone with the customer service representative is the same one beating on this keyboard . ( That was the same phone call by the way . ) I am the same woman who made my son 's teachers cry and the principal called Saint Richard to say " Don 't you ever let her come here alone again . " To which he replied , " I can 't do a thing with her . I would advise you don 't make her mad again . " I was the deacon 's wife that they never asked a question for fear I would give them an answer . Richard and I shared many an adventure in our marriage from dust in his eyes that got us escorted out of the grocery store by police to a near fight in Wal - Mart with a woman who kept hitting him in the foot with her cart at Thanksgiving . We also shared thousands of waffles and millions of tears . But he loved me as I am and not some fictionalized version that some would paint of me . I will not lay my life down for the cause . Well , not this one . I am no ones Martyr . However one of those people used to tell me she had a perfect marriage . Then I got closer and listened to the love story . He was 20 years older than her . He was a gentleman and her mother was in a conniption fit because she was seeing him . He had a good job . He was good to her boys . What she forgot to tell me was that he was married at the time . She also neglected to tell me he had a gambling issue . Or that she had a drug problem . When he passed away , she was cold . Cold to the fact that her perfect marriage was over . Cold to the fact that he was gone and she was alone . Their love had grown cold . If you have a perfect marriage , please stay away from me . You are either in denial or you are an accomplished liar . Neither are welcomed in my life . My marriage was messy . It was never cold . But my sainted grandmother used to say , things don 't grow without heat and rain . He loved me the same the day he closed his eyes as he did the day I met him . There was a kinetic energy between us . I was empty when he left . Real things are not perfect . Real people are not perfect . Let me explain something ladies and gentlemen . Real love is fire . Fire that is in your bones as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow . Love is commitment that holds fast when the world would tear you apart . Because in love you will work to the others weakness . Love makes you better . Not necessarily better humans , but a better version of you . To pull together in adversity . To turn on a dime to defend what you believe in and whom you love . Love does not need encouragement from outside parties . It should drive you to run faster , to work harder , to strive and to achieve . Love should be a place where you are there regardless of circumstances . Richard and I had that illusive thing . The thing that held us together . Love is not perfect . Flawed people make the best lovers . So when you think of my husband and I , I would ask that you temper you memories with some truth . With some laughter . With some anger . For just as God in heaven welcomed my beloved Richard home , he knew he was no Saint . Just as I am sure he looks at me sometimes with laughter in those beautiful green eyes and says that I am no Martyr . Well here I am . Another year is gone . I am now 45 . As I remarked to my friends the other day , my 45 is much different than my mother 's . She was older than I when she crossed this year . She had a son who was 24 and a daughter who was 20 . She was tired and unwilling to learn anything else . She was done with pursuing life . I am not her . I am hungry for life . I have an insatiable desire to grow and learn . I am far from done . But when asked if this was the 45 I saw in my mind 's eye when I was 20 , I had to answer truthfully . That answer is no . At 20 I believed in happily ever after . I believed in forever . At 45 , neither is even in my vocabulary anymore . It 's simply a language I no longer speak . Talking to a friend the other night , I was remarking about my failures and regrets . How I wish things were different . I was then informed that I do not see what he sees . He sees a great strength inside me . To have survived both the suicide of my brother and the loss of my husband , to still be standing is nothing short of miraculous if you knew me before it all began . Those were the pillars of my life . The two of them and I were the trinity that could hold the world together . Now I stand alone to do the same work . And I am making it work . I no longer believe in forever and certainly not the happy part . I believe that happiness is where you find it . One cannot " make me happy . " That is something I must find within myself . I have more flashes of happiness than sadness these days . I smile more easily . It actually reaches my eyes now and again . But I am told my eyes still have a haunted look behind them . The hurt of the past nine years cannot be erased by time or tears . For if tears could have washed it away it would have been gone long ago . My life is as it is and I cannot change the past . I have lost much around me , and I even lost myself for a while . But the bones of me are still here . The core of me is alive and well . Emotionally I am a bit fragile . I am horribly homesick for the south . I am looking at my sojourn in the north as if I have been deployed on a secret mission and I am counting the days until I set my feet in the warm soil of the south . Half of what I want to eat is exotic to this place and the other half tastes like mud . If I don 't cook it , I probably won 't eat it . The same goes for what I feed my emotional health from this situation . Most everything I hear is toxic . I don 't understand self pity nor lack of ambition . I don 't understand a victim mentality . Nothing was done to you . You participated in your demise . If you don 't like where you are in life , do what is necessary to change it . Put some starch in your backbone . If I am not crying , don 't even think of starting in front of me . So as I take inventory this year , this is what I can say regarding the state of the magnolia . I am stronger than I look . I am wiser than I thought . I am smarter than I guessed . When I love , I love hard , but when it is betrayed it goes cold quickly . I long for peace . I don 't know where that peace might be nor how to obtain such a thing . But I need it . I need a home that is not on fire constantly . I need to rest . I am a guest in my own life . The hotel changes but I am never at home . It is up to me to find a way to make room for me . I am never comfortable . I always feel out of place . But I like me . I will give myself credit for raising an amazing child . I will give myself credit for standing up and having enough courage to literally begin again . I am functioning . No one is taking care of me . No one is feeding the fire of my ambitions . There is no sunshine of love towards me that I might feel warm and wish to reach toward the sky . What grows in me now is mine . I need neither permission nor approval and that feels good . I have extricated myself from the bad people and the bad things . I will not dwell there ever again . When spring comes to the magnolia , there can be snow on the ground and the sap will still start to flow . The wounds made from the pruning of the winter can ache but soon a tough skin will cover the injury and the inner strength of the tree will heal it . Just because you perceive that it is still winter does not mean that it is cold in the heart of the matter . I may look like I am still without my branches and that my blooms are long forgotten . You may believe that I may never bloom again . Rest assured I have reserved my strength . Rest assured I have planned for this day . Posted by Well where do I begin ? First I have relocated . I am now in what I believe to be called " The DC Metro Area . " I will not swear to that as it is as foreign as any Eastern European Country that I can imagine . Life is strange at the moment , but you know what they say , " the more things change the more they stay the same . " Lets get this part out of the way , No I do not like this place . I am a southern female . Yelling at people in the streets and in the grocery is simply unseemly . I do not like to be called " Hun " by anyone as it is a familiarity that unless I have granted , it quite unwelcome in my eyes . Do not touch me if I do not know you personally . I am not a hugger and I do not like to be the huggee . A handshake should be quite sufficient to fulfill a greeting requirement . That being said , I am reserved but friendly . However , just because I measure my words and speak slowly does not mean that I am slow . It means that I can read . Another phrase I would ask not be used when referring to me is " country . " I am southern , I am not a redneck . " Country " people are all well , fine and good . I however , am not one of those people . You can be entertained by my accent , it is advisable not to mock me . You can ask me what I said or even what it meant . But trying to imitate me is simply rude and I do tolerate rudeness well . I have returned to work . I have gone back into the industry that is my first love . I weave fairy - tales of happily ever after . I help her pick out her most important ensemble and tell her she is the most beautiful girl in the world . I remember those dreams . I remember that hope . I remember believing in love and forever . Inevitably , the question is asked " Are you married ? " At first it was difficult . I questioned myself . " Do I say the words ? " " Do I say no ? " " Do I ignore the question and hope she is distracted by something else shiny ? " Generally I answer the question and say the words . " I am a widow . " This brings a hush to the platform . A dark cloud hovers over this joyous occasion and I take her hand . I say " It 's okay darlin ' . " I then turn to her family and make a remark to turn the conversation back to their beautiful dreams for her wondrous day . I am quiet here . I do not care to extend myself as I am not looking for approval . I am invited to church or to holiday cookouts with a friends family . I am content with who I am and where I am in life . I am holding tight to my manners and my sanity . Mostly I hate the questions . What others consider " getting to know you " inquiry I find to be invasive . I don 't want to explain anything to anyone . I answer what I want , when I want , but I won 't be bullied into telling my life story . I simply want to live and let live . I just want to be me and be okay with all that requires from inside myself . Yes I sit in the bathtub and cry . I can count the days on one hand I haven 't cried since I set my foot on the ground here . But showing it to the outside world is not something I will do today nor ever probably . I am homesick . But the home I remember no longer exists . I haven 't been home in three and a half years . Either I live in the past or I look for home in the present . I have good friends who do not live here . Friends who call me just to say " Hello " if they are on vacation . Friends who text me at 3am asking " Are you up ? " I laugh with them . Yes sometimes I even cry with them . I sit on the stoop and talk to another good friend . They didn 't know me before and they love me in the after as well as in the aftermath . They worry about me . They share with me . They include me . I am alone . I am not lonley . Although I am far from home , I am okay . I am healing . I am learning . I cannot run from who I am nor where I have been in my life . I am not reinventing myself . My spring has come and I am reaching for the sky . I promised you two years and some change ago that I would see spring . The cuts were deep and the winter was harsh . Beaten and battered but still I reach , still I grow , still I rise . Magnolia 's grow everywhere . Even this misplaced one . I remember the first time I saw you . I had just come back from surgery and was in my hospital room . This bundle was being passed around that I hadn 't seen . Only a face over a curtain who was so mad at entering this world . They took you away as they closed me up and I yelled at the top of my lungs " I told you it was a boy ! ! Is he okay ? " The bundle was quiet and wiggly . Then it was finally my turn . They handed you to me and I was so scared . You see , I 'd never held a baby before . I looked into those eyes the first time and I was gone . This was my heart in someone else . This was my love . Later that night they brought me you with a bottle and a paper towel . You and I did a lot of firsts together . I fed you and laid you on my chest . It was there I noticed that bead of sweat that breaks out across your nose when you are truly sleeping . About 3 am you woke me up . Pounding on my chest with your tiny fists . Trying to raise your head . You 've always been in a hurry . The nurse came in and took you from me and I felt so empty without you knocking around inside me . You didn 't cry but I did . When I brought you home I slept with my hand on your back in the bassinet beside the bed because I was paranoid you might die . When you went to the crib I made sure you were breathing about 100 times a night . To this day I still do it from time to time . Your first couple of years were a whirlwind . I didn 't know that sitting up at 5 months was quick . I truly didn 't know that walking at 7 months was unusual . I didn 't know I shouldn 't wean you at a year nor potty train you by 18 months . But we were doing what came natural to us . If you could do it , you did and I stood behind you cheering . You gave me chicken pox the second time . You gave me flu that turned to pneumonia . You gave me stomach viruses that should have put me to bed when you were a wild man running through the house giggling . You gave me laughter that I could not suppress even in church . You gave your grandparents a joy you can not even today yet conceive . The first grandchild and great grandchild . You should have been spoiled rotten yet you gave things away that you shouldn 't . You came home in your undershirt from daycare because a little boy liked yours . You gave toys to less fortunate kids who lived in our complex . " Mama he didn 't have one " was what you said . I remember us playing rummy on the sofa without keeping score . I remember the video games I didn 't understand . I remember the laughter of you and your Uncle John when you killed him over and over again with the golden gun he couldn 't find . The Halloween costumes we slaved over . The muscle suit I made and your dad spray painting your new white tennis shoes so they would match . The werewolf who looked so good because you got make up on the sleeve of the shirt and I put it all over to make it match . The science projects that your dad and you made at midnight before they were due . Finding you on the sofa on Sunday morning asleep with the remote in your hands because you had gotten up during the night . I remember when you shaved the first time and I cried . Your laughter ringing in my ears at 15 because I could hear your Uncle John and see his hands on you . Wrestling matches that I couldn 't watch so your dad did play by play . I remember you taking my breath in your tux for prom . I can see the smile on your face when you first held your drivers license and the terror in my heart when you drove away in the dark . I can see the tears in your eyes from your first broken heart . I can see your eyes when I walked into the waiting room at the hospital when your dad collapsed . I can see the heartbreak when we stood together beside his bed . I feel your hand in the small of my back when they opened those doors to the sanctuary on that day and how you held my hand during the service . How you gave me your arm when we walked that isle behind him and the world as we knew it ended and all we had was each other . These past three years have been so hard for us . But you have been my tower . My refuge . When I could see nothing else I could see you . I see so much of your dad in you now . I see his grit . His determination . I see the boy I fell so deeply in love with that I would face hell to stand beside him . I was married to your dad when he was your age . Strangely , I see my strength . I see my quiet reserve . I still see my heart beating in your chest . I see a man before me who is doing his damnedest to do what is right when it would be so easy to do what is wrong . I see your struggle to be whom you are destined to be . I love your joy and your laughter . Your stories and your jokes . Your keen mind and sharp wit . Your wisdom and your street - smarts . I love your arms when they hold me when I cry . I love you heart that sees others first . Your sense of right and wrong . You firm beliefs even when they don 't match mine . Your desire and ability to stand by your convictions . Without a doubt I can say , that the greatest accomplishment of my life , the greatest joy and my greatest honor is that you call me Mom . Thank you for being my true north . I read something the other day that was sent to me regarding being the love of someones life . I commented on the blog and then I began to think about what was written and what I said regarding this particular situation . Basically what this blogger was expounding on was that she was married to a widower and that she would never be the love of his life because of his first wife . I sent it to my significant other ( heretofore he is to be known as Wolfe and my significant other as I find the word boyfriend to be trite at my age ) for him to read it . His take on the situation was the same as mine . You may not be the first but you can be the last . For my money , the last is a better seat on the ride anyway . However , what she said has very little bearing on what I am about to say . I am not the woman that the first love of my life loved . I have walked through the hell that is widowhood and as a result I am forever changed . I am not now who I was when that fateful day dawned and I ran out the door to work like my ass was on fire . Although I inhabit the same body , my heart , my soul , my very being , the love of his life , died . It was a slow death . The woman that walked those floors . The woman who held his head when he was sick . The woman who smiled those particular smiles and laughed at those particular jokes . She no longer exists . She died as the time moved forward . Piece by piece , bit by bit , tear by tear . That 's what no one gets . That is why to move forward is so slow on this widows walk . That 's why it hurts so badly . Until we shed who we were , we are the walking dead . I was much a zombie as anything that George Romero ever put on a screen . I may not have been a rotting corpse on the outside , but the part of me , that was of the we , was decomposing inside me . I was feasting on the past and the memories and the " what ifs " and the " if I 'd just " that comprised my life . You can patch it up . You can gloss it over . But if you 're trying to hold on to that relationship , that life , you are dragging a dead body along behind you . I notice things about me that are different . With him , we ate Chinese . I love sushi . With him we watched a lot of television . I watch selected things . With him we spent Saturday out and about . I generally prefer to stay at home . With him we watched stupid comedies . I prefer English comedy but I like suspense and drama most of all . With him we were surrounded by family and drama . I prefer the company of my son and very little interaction with the drama filled people that inhabit my past . But those are physical things . Likes and dislikes . It goes deeper . I was always a firebrand . I raised hell like it was my job . People feared my temper . No one was safe . I spoke without thinking often . I hated the taste of I 'm sorry . If I thought you were wrong or made a mistake I would bully you into righting the wrong . I can say that now . I was a bully . But to my credit I lived in a world with the house on fire for 21 years . I got tired of always having to put out some sort of fire . First it was the struggle of a young marriage with no money and a baby . Two kids learning to coexist in a world that wanted them to fail . I had to fight . A family that thought I wasn 't good enough made me strive for perfection . To beat and bang myself into a box that I could never quite fit into correctly . I was never who they needed or wanted me to be . I was never enough . Not in my eyes . Then was an illness that attacked my life like a rabid Hydra . Every time I cut off one head three more grew back . Yet I fought . I lived as a deacon 's wife . I showed them my heart and they crucified me . I worked in the community . Give me your poor , your weak , your hungry kinda stuff . Still not enough . Now I am more reserved . Ask me what I think and I will tell you but for the most part , I seldom have anything to say regarding what ever nonsense someone else is making noise about at any given time . I love people right where they are at any given time . Although my heart is not always on display , it is big and soft and cushy . I don 't care if you 're gay , straight , bi sexual , try sexual or asexual . Black , white , green , yellow , purple or polka - dotted . Lawyer , doctor , criminal , or Indian chief . I understand that we are all trying to do the best we can and what you 're doing is well and truly none of my business . I don 't have a lot of friends around me by my choice . I 'm a good mom . I 'm a good friend . I 'm a good love . I am a bit acid tongued at times . I am opinionated . I am grown and believe it or not I am matured . I let very little anger me . I no longer have a box . I no longer have anything to prove . I am enough . I have cut hunibuni As I sit here tonight , things are shifting around me . A normal state of affairs in this three years and some change . One thing that hasn 't changed is that I am afraid . I 've been afraid forever it seems . 14 years . When his disease hit high gear in 1998 I became afraid . If you haven 't figured it out yet , I 'm a bit of a control freak . My control went out the window in 1998 . But since he 's been gone , I live in a constant state of paranoia and sheer terror from day to day . So I suppose this could be a horror story . But if you know me , you know it won 't be that for very long . About a hundred years ago , I was afraid of the dark . My brother would slip out his window , not off to do any nefarious activities , oh no , simply to scratch on my window in the dark . My parents weren 't known to comfort us of our fears . Crying in the night generally produced a " Shut up and go to sleep . " So a scratch in the middle of the night , around 10pm at that time of my life , would send me under the covers . Around the age of 12 or so , I decided I would meet this demon on it 's own ground and lay it low . So when we walked into our favorite bookstore , I proceeded to go find the worst , supernatural , super scarey , uber horrific book I could locate . Demons called up in a court of law because some dude beat his girl friend to death with a crowbar whilst possessed . A real piece of trash . But I read a chapter every afternoon for a bit . Then I got involved and finished it all . I still love horror novels of all kinds but I fear nothing in the dark that might even think of scratching on my window . The darkness eats all things . I became more comfortable there than in the light . When the first signs that the demon diabetes was not at bay began to appear , my life became chaotic . Would he go blind ? Then his blood - pressure went off the rails . The kidneys fell in line . I became quite the scholar of the endocrine system . I cannot fight something that I don 't know what it can do to me or mine . I strapped up every day frightened out of my mind . That disease leaves nPosted by March 18 and two kids make a decision . A decision that will alter the course of their lives forever . Together they will face the world . Side by side . Shoulder to shoulder . Whomever is the strongest at the moment will take the lead . They will laugh . Laughter that will echo through forever . They will cry . Tears that could flood the future . They will love . Hard and fast with a fierce loyalty . Together they will create a world for their son . Together they will create a life for one another . I was one of those kids . My partner in crime is gone . Far too soon . Today is my wedding anniversary . Just because he is gone doesn 't mean it 's not my anniversary . As I look back over our years together , I am prone to analyze . The decision we made to face this world together . The decision to fight that monster because we went into the situation with our eyes open . The odds were not in our favor . I was 20 and he was 21 . Young marriages fail . Our son was born the following year . Young marriages with children fail . They said we 'd never make it . They said we would divorce in a year . We were immature . We were children . But we meant those vows . We said them with our hearts . " Until death do you part " meant something to us . For all of our faults , our mistakes , missteps , and failures , we succeeded . We made 20 years . That day it rained . I stood in the shower and cried . I was frightened . Was I making the right decision ? Could we do this with the world against us ? Would love really be enough ? The officiant had laryngitis . Barely a whisper for our vows . But we made them . As the years passed it became the words that bound us when it got hard . We could not let them win . No marriage is easy . None worth having . We dug deep when it counted . When there was no money . When he was sick . When things were hard between us . When his grandfathers passed away . When my brother shot himself in our backyard and left me so broken I could not see . We held together when they said it would tear us apart . One of us could always see our way clear . I was talking to a fPosted by As I look back over the past almost three years , I can see how far I have progressed down this road . I truly did not think I would survive . There were times I didn 't think that I could take another step . There were mornings when I dreaded the sun like nothing I have ever known . Yet , here I stand . I count the things that were the hardest . They were small and simple . The day after the funeral was a nightmare . Because at 10 pm that night , my heart expected to hear his truck in the driveway . It never came . The clothes in the closets . The medicine in the fridge . The nightstand with his messy odds and ends . I was in such deep shock . The hits just kept on coming . A particular phone call comes to mind . A bill that I was clearing up for him . I wasn 't on the account so I had to say the words . " He died . " She asked me " Oh I 'm sorry . What happened ? " I couldn 't breathe . As I was mustering my strength , I said " I need to speak to your supervisor . " That question is never okay to ask . Now I ignore them . That was the first of the explosions that turned my world into a wasteland . That Easter , they found spots on my father in laws lungs . A year later everything I knew as my life was gone . In July he went to his son . My son and I were in shock again . That week his step father was diagnosed . As I slowly but surely found my way thru the fog of grief , my relations improved with my mother in law . She needed me to listen . To tell her the truth as she fought this monster . I found my grace in a box that I had packed away . I held her hand as best I could and this January he went to his step son . Three years . Three gone . Three times I held my son close but I couldn 't say it would all be okay . Some lessons come hard . They come so that you will do what you must , when you should , because tomorrow is promised to no one . I 've learned to say " I love you " when I should not when I am sure it will be returned . I don 't say it if I don 't mean it . But , if I do , you will hear it often . I have learned to live without regret . I don 't believe in tomorrow anymPosted by Well where do I begin ? First I have relocated . I am now in what I believe to be called " The DC Metro Area . " I will not swear to th . . . Home is a strange concept . It appears to have a different meaning to everyone . For most of us , it 's something we take for granted . F . . . I have not lived this long , nor survived what I have , to not learn a few things here and there about this world . I am the answer woman . I ha . . . Mom . Widow . Fearless . Full service female . With absolute certainty I can say that I am a Raging French Roast addict , Acid Tongued Smart Ass , but most of all , I am a Real Deal Steel Magnolia . |
I can 't believe this but my baby girl turned 8 months old yesterday . Where does the time go ? ? ? I am excited for each and every new thing that she accomplishes , but I wish time would slow down too ! Speaking of new accomplishments … . that is what this post is all about . The last 2 months have been full of them . For starters , Regan said her 1st words on New Years Day . We were visiting some of my family for a few days , and while we were there , she busted out with " Dada " as clear as day . Not the typical " dadadadadada " that a baby babbles when they are learning the 'd " sound . And not too long after that came the ever surprising , " Hi Dada " . Cutest thing ever ! ( Even though I would like to get a " mama " in there ! But , I guess I will have to wait for that one . She even uses , " hi dada " at the right time . Todd will say " hi baby " , and she will go , " hi dada " . Totally surprised me the first time I heard it . I thought I was just imagining it , but she kept saying it , over , and over , and over , and over . With a big smile on her face . So proud of that little girl ! Next comes the sitting up . As you can see from the picture above , she was very happy about herself when she accomplished that ! It happened very fast too . We started seeing great improvement with her sitting about a month ago . And it was slow going , but then 2 weeks ago we sat her on the bed to play with her like we usually do in the evening , and she stayed up … . . for 3 minutes ! The next day …… 5 minutes . And now … . . 10 minutes …… sometimes longer , until her muscles get tired . But it is so awesome to see the progress that she makes . She is such a strong little girl ! One night recently while she was sitting on the bed , I said , " Regan , give me high five " . ( We have never taught her this before . ) She put her hand out to reach mine as if she has known how to do this all along . Todd and I were laughing , ( almost the happy tears along with it ) , as there was no need to teach her that one . She saw my hand go up , and she was like , I can do that too Mom , just watch ! Another night as Todd was coming home from work , I was telling her , " Daddy 's home " . She gets very excited when she hears that . As he opened the door to come in , she saw him , and put her arms out to the side ( like she wanted a hug ) as if to say , " come get me dad " . I love these moments ! The first time you see your child do something new you cannot help but smile . And wish that they would do it again so that this time you could have the camera ready ! Last week we had a picnic in the park . ( One of the great things about living in Florida … . you can have picnics in February ! ) Regan loved being outside . It seems she likes the breeze as it hits her skin . She got to try the swings for the first time , as she can support herself sitting , and I needed her to be able to hold steady . She was very unsure about it at first , as is evident in the photo . She warmed up to it after a little while . I just love that precious little face she is making ! Finally , we visited Sea World yesterday , on Valentine 's Day . We had the best time ! It was Regan 's first time there . She has been to a couple of theme parks already , but this is the first time where she was old enough to really notice some of her surroundings . She absolutely loved the dolphins ! The above photo is during the dolphin show , of which she was mesmerized . There was so much going on she didn 't know what to look at ! But when we went to look at the dolphins up close , and they would pass by us , she would get the look on her face like " whoa … . . what was that " . So cute ! Another one of the things I love about living in Florida … . all the great places our family gets to visit . It is hard to believe all that Regan has been accomplishing . And to think my little Angel just turned 8 months old …… . whoa ! I am so proud of her development … . . but the time is going way too fast ! Sometimes I think that is a blessing of Down syndrome . You get to hold on to each milestone , and each achievement a little bit longer , before the next one hits . There is something beautiful in that . Now I just wish I could slow down time too ! Before I know it we will planning her 1st birthday …… . This was positively the best holiday season I have ever had . And I absolutely LOVE the holidays . But there is nothing like seeing it through the eyes of your child . Even though Regan was only 6 months old at Christmas time , and had no idea what was going on , lol , I sure did ! And I loved every second of it . Of course , she found the wrapping paper the funnest thing to play with - as we were expecting . But it was cute anyway ! We had fun putting bows on her head after she opened her gifts . As you can see , she didn 't enjoy that quite as much as we did … . . Earlier in the month we took Regan to Hope Haven . That is a clinic that specializes in children with DS . They do very thorough developmental evaluations , in which they give you strength based assessments . This place was absolutely wonderful ! She had one hour with Physical Therapy ( PT ) , one hour with Occupational Therapy ( OT ) , one hour with Speech Therapy ( ST ) , and an hour and a half of educational information . We learned a lot at each visit , and were happy to hear that at 6 months ( a little over actually ) , that our little Regan was doing very well . We have been hearing that all along , but you never get tired of it ! They gave us some general suggestions of things we can do with her to keep her on track . And they suggested that we get her some PT about once every other week to help her with her rolling . She can roll , I have seen her … . but she must not feel it necessary , cause she doesn 't often do it . So she will be starting that soon . I was also happy to hear that Hope Haven will help us with her IEP 's for school . An IEP is an Individualized Education Program . All children with Down syndrome will get one of these each year . It basically sets goals for each individual to achieve each school year . Children with Down syndrome are sometimes integrated in regular classrooms for some , or all , of their curriculum . But since it may take them a little longer to learn new things , they do not always have the same goals as the " typically " developing children . But each child is different , DS or not , so that is why an IEP is so great . We don 't want to place all children with DS into the same classrooms all the time , because each child will excel in different areas . And Hope Haven will help the parents with that decision - guiding us in the areas in which the child excels , and knowing where the child may need some extra help . I am so thankful for all of the wonderful programs , and services that our out there to help those of us parenting children that may need a little help along the way . I am sure that Regan is goiOn another note - I started thinking back to those 6 long days that Regan was in the NICU in June , and how that was one of the scariest times of my life . So many wonderful people in my life helped us out during that time by bringing us meals at home ( after I was released ) , coming to visit just to give us support , and just doing whatever they could so that we didn 't have to worry about any of those typical " life " responsibilities , and that we could just focus on Regan . I am so grateful for that . Receiving Regan 's diagnosis at birth was one of the hardest things to hear . And that by itself was enough to handle . I experienced so much stress , anxiety , nervousness … you name it , I felt it . ( There was also a great amount of joy … . as I loved my new baby girl ! ) Eventually the fear passed … . but for that while in the NICU , I was scared . So as Christmas was approaching I started to think about all the children that were in the hospital at this time of year . I also thought about their parents and how scared they must be for their child , and how overwhelmed they must be with everything . I imagine they were hoping to have their child home for Christmas , and for some of them , that may not be possible . So I wondered … . . what can I do for these families ? So I decided to make a toy donation to the local children 's hospital . It wasn 't much , but it was something . When I went to the hospital to drop off my contribution , I was amazed at the large room that was completely filled with toys donated by other individuals and businesses in the area . Even though my contribution was small … . . a few children were going to be happy on Christmas because of it . And a few parents may be a little less stressed … . . their child had a Christmas , even while in the hospital . Todd and I have decided that this is something we want to do every year . We probably had as much joy in our hearts as the families that benefited from the donations . Christmas really is about giving … . . so that is what we did . Besides , we had the best Christmas present we could have asked for - we had Regan home with us ! In having a child with DS , we have learned that you never can know what life is going to throw at you . That 1 in 900 chance of our little girl having DS proves that . No matter how unlikely something is , it can still happen . You actually can be the " one " . I am so thankful that I was able to help some families that had to spend Christmas in an unfortunate place like the hospital . There really isn 't any preparing for something like that . And when something like that happens , and it can happen to anyone , it is nice to have others fill in so you can focus your time where it needs to be - on your family . I am learning a lot about myself on this journey . I never really thought of myself as a selfish person , but I know I am much more unselfish now than I may have been before . I have God , and a beautiful little girl with a little extra genetic material to thank for that . She really is my little miracle ! Just before Thanksgiving we had some professional photos taken of our sweet little Regan . ( It was hard to choose … . but those are a couple of my favorites ! ) Sometimes I am astounded by the beauty of this baby ! And … not just that outer beauty that is so evident in these photos . This little one is going to have a heart of gold … I am certain . My life is so joyful because of her … . . and that she was born to me . I love being her mom ! An interesting conversation stirred between my husband , a Tutor , and one of his students recently . For the sake of privacy , she will remain nameless , but for the story 's sake , I will mention that she is middle - school aged . So here goes … . Todd was tutoring this young lady one afternoon , and helping her with her English . He was trying to explain antonyms to her … . but in the process he drew a total blank on the word antonym . ( Go figure ! ) So , as he was trying to get the word out , she guesses , " amniocentesis " , as it was the first thing she thought of that started with the " ah " sound he was making . Much to his surprise … . as you wouldn 't guess a middle schooler would even know what an amniocentesis is , or that it would be at the forefront of their mind . So , Todd said , " No , not amniocentesis " , and then the word hit him . He said , " antonyms " . She said , " oh ok , I know what that is . " But Todd was interested in why she had amniocentesis on her mind . So he asked her what she knew about an amnio . And she replied , " It is a test that a pregnant woman has to check if the baby has a birth defect . " ( That term birth defect just makes me cringe ! ) . He asked her how she knew about that , and she said she learned it in school . ( It was either science or health class . ) Todd was shocked as he could not recall this type of thing being taught in school . So he then asked her , " Well what happens if the test shows that your baby has a birth defect ? " The answer she gave is shocking , " Then you abort the baby " . Todd responded with , " Why would you abort the baby ? " And she says , " Because , who would want a baby with a birth defect ? " Todd sat there for a moment , and then told her , " My daughter has Down syndrome . " She paused , for quite some time , and did not know what to say . He could tell she was feeling uncomfortable at that point . She then changed the subject and they moved on . When he came home that night and told me this story , I did all I could to help the tears from falling down my face . Not because I am sad that my daughter 's condition has the horrible label of " birth defect " , from which I will not refer to her . But that society is so anti - differences . We are so afraid of what we do not understand . And I get that there are people out there that could not handle this diagnosis . For starters I would ask them to research it , to be sure you understand what Down syndrome actually means . And if at that point , you still cannot handle it , there is always adoption . There is a wait list in the US for people wanting to adopt babies with Down syndrome . But to think that our schools are indoctrinating our children to believe that being different , to one degree or another , disqualifies someone from being able to have a chance at life , is beyond unreasonable to me . When I think of the idea that babies born with Down syndrome may be fewer and fewer , it makes me sad . Mostly because I feel like that is society putting a " not as worthy " label on my daughter , and those like her . I definitely never expected that my child was going to have Down syndrome . When you realize you are pregnant , and start imagining what life is going to be like with your new baby , that is just not something that you ever think about . But when that baby arrives , Down syndrome or not , they are still your baby . And I could not love Regan more if she didn 't have it . I love her as is . You learn acceptance , and unwavered love . And you want nothing more than for everyone else to do the same . And when someone , or many someones for that matter , believe that the " normal " child is more valuable , it cuts you deep . Because your child is valuable , even if you can 't convince every one of that . And you want your child to grow up feeling accepted , and loved , and wanted . That is all I want for her . And God knows … . . the day that anyone even remotely attempts to treat her like she is less of a person , is likely the day that the " When we lose the right to be different , we lose the privilege to be free . " So I have been underestimating the amount of time that I have …… . . as it has been 3 months since my last post . So needless to say , I have a lot to cover in this one . For starters , the above picture is my little sweet pea ready to go to her very 1st Halloween party . Isn 't she the cutest little ladybug you have ever seen ? ? I can 't get enough of this little girl . And as usual , she was the hit of the party . She has a group of people fawning over her everywhere we go . ( Not that we mind ! ) Sometimes I feel guilty for thinking this , but sometimes I can 't help my thoughts , and I will begin wondering , " Would these people feel the same way about her if they knew that she had Down syndrome ? " . I feel terrible that this thought crosses my mind . But it does . And then I have to swat it away in a hurry . Because I have promised myself that I will not lose out on a second of my daughter 's childhood , to think about what others are thinking , or not thinking . I cannot however , pretend for one second that this is an easy task . Because it isn 't . And in all honesty , the thought is warranted . The abortion rate is as high as it is because to some , there isn 't as much value in a child with a disability . There is a misconception about these individuals , and I am hoping that I can play a part ( even if only a small one ) to change that . There is so much value in my Regan ! Regan is doing well with feeding . We began introducing her to solid foods , and from what I can tell , she is doing great . She keeps most of the food in her mouth , and does not seem to thrust her tongue out as is common with children with Down syndrome . Overall I think that she makes less of a mess than most babies I have seen being fed , and she does it with a smile too ! She doesn 't seem crazy about bananas - which she gets from me . But at the same time , those jarred bananas smell funny - so it could just be that . We are trying 2 new fruits and vegetables each week to see how she adjusts to each one . And to make sure there are no allergies . Children with Down syndrome may have more aversions to different foods and textures than would be common with a child without Down syndrome . But so far she seems to be doing very well ! And she is stubborn to ! When she has reached her end with it - that mouth isn 't opening for anything ! Early November we visited with a Geneticist for the first time . We were receiving many different opinions in the Down syndrome community on whether it was worth it to take Regan . Some people loved the experience , and others did not . Todd and I could not seem to get to the bottom of why the opinions were so different , so we decided to give it a try . We figured we could always stop going later . But after our first visit , we were glad that we made the trip . We have been hearing so many great things about Regan and her progress since she was born , that we had no reason to think that we should be concerned with her development at this stage . But it was very reassuring after the Geneticist told us how wonderful she was doing . Her exact words to us were , " I have been doing this for over 35 years , and it is my job to tell you the truth regarding your child 's development . Regan is doing great ! " . We were thrilled ! Todd asked her , " What are the chances that our daughter ( or anyone with Down syndrome ) will be able to drive a car ? " . She responded with , " Well …… 10 years ago if someone had asked me if it was likely their child with Down syndrome would go to college , I would have had to be honest and say that it was only a small chance . But now it is happening much more regularly . Same goes for driving . There is no way to know for sure , but the chances are increasing . So just keep doing what you are doing . " . And that is exactly what we are going to do ! This is my little beauty at 4 months old . Such a pretty little thing - not that I am partial or anything ! I have very exciting news to share this month . Our little champ has full head control ! And I have to say it is way easier carrying her around now . Also , she has started rolling from her tummy to her back . Not on a consistent basis yet , but when she feels like it I guess ! So proud of her - she is one tough little cookie . She is still smiling and laughing like crazy . It is the cutest thing to see as her whole face lights up , and she squeaks ! It is surely the best part of mine and Todd 's day . Regan is in the early stages of teething as well . The first clue to that was the enormous amounts of drool that has been coming out of this kids mouth ! I mean … . . crazy amounts of drool ! And she wasn 't much of a drooler before - so that was the first sign . Then came the out of nowhere screams . She overall is a very good , quiet , happy baby . Then there is the zero to scream side of her that we had not seen before . So after taking a peak inside her mouth to see if our hunch about the teething was right , it was confirmed - white gums . So our little one is on her way to her first tooth ! About a week ago our early interventionist , hereafter referred to as Kelly , came for her second appointment with Regan . And in similar fashion to the first appointment , Miss Regan blew her away ! ( Let me just throw in here how awesome that has been to hear , and see . Especially when your child has DS and there are so many things that you can be told that your child may not do well , if at all . ) But Regan is still doing great , and surpassing expectations . We couldn 't be happier for Regan and the accomplishments she has already made . We often say she is kicking that Down syndrome right in the butt ! On a different note , we had somewhat of an unsettling experience at the hospital a few weeks ago . ( Regan is fine - but was having an adverse reaction to a change in formula , and wasn 't keeping it down . We changed the formula back - and now she is doing great ! ) While at the hospital , something was said to us by one of the doctors that has had my mind pacing , if you will , for the last few weeks . It really didn 't hit me at the time we heard it , ( obviously as we had a sick baby we were worried about ) , but it resurfaced about a week later . In recalling the conversation we had with this doctor , we had begun telling him about the circumstances of bringing her in . In doing so , we mentioned that she had DS , as we tell that to all medical staff that she sees , as it is always best to be upfront about it . We continued on and he began asking if she had any medical issues prior to this . We told him that she has been just fine since we brought her home from the hospital , but that she had some issues right after she was born , and therefor had lots of tests run . He asked if the tests showed any complications , and we told him everything was good , but that we learned that she had DS . ( And this is where this story gets a bit shaky . ) At that point , he looks at me , and with somewhat of a bold tone says , " oh , you mean you didn 't know ? " . I proceeded to tell him that I did not have the prenatal testing done . Then he asks , again with a bold tone , " well didn 't they offer it ? " . Like I stated earlier this didn 't really affect me too much then as we were busy making sure Regan was ok , but when I look back on this now , I am a little annoyed , to say the least . Unfortunately this is the mentality of some medical staff . Instead of saying , " oh you guys seem to be doing great with this " , or " she is one lucky little girl to have supportive parents " , or even to simply say nothing at all . But apparently the big deal here is to make sure that all OB doctors are offering prenatal testing to their patients . That was his concern . So I told him that yes they had offered it , and that I didn 't take it . He looked perplexed and moved on . I feel sad that prenatal testing isn 't looked at as just an option , but almost a mandate . ( As I have stated in the past I am not against the testing - just against aborting . I just knew that I would be a wreck during pregnancy if I learned that way . And no matter what I was keeping her ! ) This type of situation is what I would like to see changed . Yes , by all means , allow someone to be prepared for the challenges that may lie ahead , if they wish to know . But I would like the medical world to stop treating the testing as if it were a solution to this so - called " problem " . Even while getting the diagnosis at birth - it took time to get to where I am today . You go through an array of emotions ( these will be covered in a future post ) . I could not have imagined going through those emotions while pregnant . And then to have someone tell you that you have only so many days to abort . Why not give those parents contacts of other parents in the community that have been in their shoes . ( I have offered to do this at my OB office ) . Tell them about how much people with DS are accomplishing today . Let them know that the life expectancy is 60 + compared to only 25 from 30 years ago , and that their quality of life has drastically improved . ( Worst case scenario - tell them that there is a long list of people wanting to adopt babies with DS . ) I hope that myself and others in the DS community can make a difference regarding this process . It breaks my heart to think that a child may not be born because the parents were given an out of date , biased opinion on what their child can and can 't do . If you are a parent that has received this diagnosis , or if you know someone that has received , or at some point does receive this diagnosis - please be as informed as you possibly can . You will be so incredibly surprised at what that child can do ! I am - every day ! " What a privilege to be here on the planet to contribute your unique donation to humankind . Each face in the rainbow of colors that populate our world is precious and special . " - Morris Dees Down syndrome Here we are with our first present day post . It took me a while to catch everyone up - but now we are current . Regan is just a little over 3 months old now . ( Wow … . cannot believe how fast this goes . ) And I just have to say this has been the best 3 months ever ! This little girl brings so much joy to me every day . Indescribable ! A week ago her early interventionist came to our home for the first time , and might I say that she was more than impressed with our little Regan . We had mentioned to her that Regan will mimic us when we tell her , " I love you " . At first I don 't think she believed us . But later Regan showed her exactly what we were describing . It was awesome . She was blown away that Regan was doing that at 3 months old . ( We were so proud ! ) She said she would guess Regan will be quite the talker - as she makes lots of noise already ! Regan is doing pretty well with her head control as well . When carried she is holding it up for periods of about 15 seconds or so . Then she wobbles a bit , lol , and holds it up some more . When on tummy time she is starting to hold it up for a few seconds at a time which is a huge improvement for her . And just today we noticed her using her elbows as a support - which is great ! We are working with her on rolling over - but not as much luck with that yet . But it is still early . She can do it by herself from being placed on her side - which is a good start . So we will keep working with her on that . Overall the early interventionist told us that we should be very encouraged by our little one and her efforts . On another note - something re - entered my mind today . As I have mentioned before I turned down all prenatal testing for genetic defects . Nothing was going to change my mind about keeping my baby - nothing ! My husband and I discussed the possibility of having a baby with Down syndrome - and said that it may be tough at times - but we will take whatever challenges we get . Around 20 - 25 weeks in my pregnancy , I was on the computer and saw something related to DS . ( Can 't remember exactly what it was . ) I do remember getting this very clear feeling that if someone in my family was going to have a baby with DS , that it was going to be me . I never gave it too much thought then . And it didn 't feel as though someone in my family ( or myself ) was going to have a baby with DS , just that if someone did , that for some reason , it would be me . It is very interesting to think back on that now . As here I am , the one member of the family with a baby with DS . I am a very spiritual person , so I definitely can see that this was the spirit talking to me . But even if you are not a religious person , I think anyone could see the irony in this situation . Simply amazing how things work out sometimes ! We love that little girl , whom just happens to have DS . Todd and I are forever changed by simply having her . Immediately we became better people . Not that we weren 't before - just better now ! We have Regan and her awesomeness to thank for that ! We believe that the world needs more people with DS , not fewer ! More of the kind of people who can only see the good - exactly what we all should strive for ! At 2 months old Regan had her first Early Steps evaluation . ( This is for kids that have a developmental delay , or a condition that may lead to a developmental delay . ) So they played with her and checked to see how she responded to light , sound , movement , etc . And , she did great ! She was right on track with normal development . And might I add that she was doing some things that were beyond her age . One proud momma here ! ( By the way I don 't think I have mentioned that my name is Brandy - just an FYI as you already know the husband and daughter 's names . ) Early Steps was not able to offer any therapies to Regan at this point because she did so well . Kind of a Catch 22 - she is doing well and that is great . But , we don 't want her to fall behind either . So I asked them if they would be willing to send an Early Interventionist to our home just once a month to check on Regan , just to see how she is doing . That way if there is one area that she is falling behind in , we could start working on that . They agreed ! Early Steps gave us some ideas of things that we can do to help keep Regan on track with her development , as well as things to help increase her muscle tone . ( Babies with DS are generally born with low muscle tone . Regan 's is a little low compared to a baby without DS , but is pretty good for a baby with DS . ) So we have been giving her tummy time to help strengthen her neck and core muscles . ( Her neck and tummy muscles seem to be her weakest . ) She tolerates tummy time for about 5 - 10 minutes and then she is done . I hear that is pretty good though ! We have definitely seen an improvement in her being able to control her head . She isn 't there yet - but definitely making good progress ! But the best thing we see - is the effort she gives it . She is always trying , and we couln 't ask for more than that . During this month she has been smiling and laughing a ton ! If I am having a rough day for whatever reason - that little smile monster can fix it in a hurry ! Seriously - it is the best thing ever ! I love having this awesome little girl in my life ! Determining the best way to tell everyone close to us was a difficult decision . Especially considering the majority of our family is not close by . We struggled with telling people over the phone , but in a lot of cases there just wasn 't another option . Everyone was very receptive and accepting of our little bundle of joy . And that definitely made things a little better . I know it was probably a huge shock to everyone , as it definitely was to us . I remember during a prenatal appointment where I was offered to have the genetic testing done , I was told that the odds of having a baby with Down syndrome at my age was 1 in 900 . Not very likely , to say the least . But . . here we are . I guess someone has to be the 1 . When she was first born , we looked at her and thought , " she 's perfect . " And we still feel that way today . I mean … . look at that adorable little girl totally rockin ' that leopard print dress …… what 's not to love ? I wouldn 't change her … . . she lights up my day . I might change the world around her though ! Normally , at the time of conception a baby inherits genetic information from its parents in the form of 46 chromosomes : 23 from the mother and 23 from the father . In most cases of Down syndrome , a child gets an extra chromosome 21 - for a total of 47 chromosomes instead of 46 . It 's this extra genetic material that causes the physical features and developmental delays associated with DS . No one knows why DS occurs and there 's no way to prevent the chromosomal error that causes it . We have wondered if there is something in the genetic makeup of myself or Todd that caused this to carry over to Regan . But , not the case . We are not carriers for that extra genetic material . So our particular situation is the " chance " occurrance . Well , at least that is what the medical world calls it . I call it God 's plan . Regan is 6 days old in these photos . Something changed for me the day that these pictures were taken . It was as if God were whispering in my ear - this is your daughter , and she is a gift . And that is how I see her . I don 't see DS , I see a beautiful , happy little baby girl . I see my daughter . And I love her so much , and could not imagine my life without her . We accept , and love this little girl exactly the way she was given to us . But sometimes still struggle with letting go of the ideas we may have had in our heads prior to having her , of what our life would be like . Another mom in a similar circumstance described these emotions well . When you 're going to have a baby , it 's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy . You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans . The Coliseum . The Michelangelo David . The gondolas in Venice . You may learn some handy phrases in Italian . It 's all very exciting . After months of eager anticipation , the day finally arrives . You pack your bags and off you go . Several hours later , the plane lands . The stewardess comes in and says , " Welcome to Holland . " " Holland ? ! ? " you say . " What do you mean Holland ? ? I signed up for Italy ! I 'm supposed to be in Italy . All my life I 've dreamed of going to Italy . " So you must go out and buy new guide books . And you must learn a whole new language . And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met . It 's just a different place . It 's slower - paced than Italy , less flashy than Italy . But after you 've been there for a while and you catch your breath , you look around … . and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills … . and Holland has tulips . Holland even has Rembrandts . But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy … and they 're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there . And for the rest of your life , you will say " Yes , that 's where I was supposed to go . That 's what I had planned . " I definitely could not describe this feeling any better ! I mean … . she nailed it ! I HAD to share this . So many people / messages / stories have helped me cope , and become reassured that everything is going to be alright . This story was definitely one of them . My goal is that this blog that I am currently writing , will help someone else someday . ( Or hopefully many someones ! ) But even if it just opens the eyes of one person - it was worth it ! Regan is an amazing little girl , as are each and every baby that is created . And each one has a purpose here . That purpose may not be to become the best lawyer , or the fastest runner . But maybe just to give love unconditionally , and show the real meaning of life . I am confident that Regan is going to do that - and be dang good at it . Anything else that she does - well that is just a bonus ! " God does not make mistakes , or have accidents . He does things on purpose which may not fit into our own personal agendas . But when looked at in retrospect are far better than anything our agendas have to offer . Our baby girl is a blessing , a blessing wrapped in an unexpected package . " Waiting for the genetic test to come back was a very long and painful process . We had some medical staff saying it was likely , and some saying they didn 't see it . I think this made it more difficult for us because we would hold on very tightly to the idea that Regan was going to be just fine . Then the results came in - Trisomy 21 confirmed . It was a very bittersweet moment . We felt overwhelmed about what might be ahead , unsure of what this would mean for us . But a part of us also felt relieved that now we knew , and that awful waiting part was over . We were given some generals about DS , but as each child is different , there really isn 't a way of knowing what Regan 's life will hold . Only she will unfold that story for us . We worried … . . how would others treat her ? What types of things will she understand , and what will she not ? What medical issues are we looking at ? How will we afford her care ? There were so many questions . Todd and I had some rough days , but the good days outnumbered them . With each day that passed we became more comfortable with her diagnosis , and it would get a little easier . Worries were still there … . but they became less encompassing as time went by . Seeing our baby girl smile at us could take all of that away in a hurry . Quickly we came to the understanding that this is the little girl that we are meant to love and care for . And she is the little girl meant to bring joy and a new wonderful outlook to us , and everyone around her . I did not have the prenatal testing done to detect any genetic condition , and I am glad I didn 't . Not that I am personally against the testing ; I think each individual should choose whether knowing prenatally or at birth is best . I do however disagree with 90 % of the population that does not see the value in a child that may not have the " normal " label - whatever that is . For a small second I feel sad for those parents and what they missed out on . That child would have touched their lives in amazing ways that they will never know . But mostly I wish that this special child could have been given a chance . The same chance my child is going to have . Life . And a happy and successful one if Todd and I have anything to say about it . Actually ……… . we do have a say in this . The one thing I have heard over and over from medical professionals , as well as parents of children with DS is that , the more love and encouragement you give your child , the more your child can accomplish . And you can be sure that we are going to give her everything she needs to be a happy successful young lady ! And I am so excited to watch her grow in that journey . I am sure there will be some tough times ahead . The struggle I have most often is thinking , " If 90 % of the population doesn 't want to keep their own child that may have Down syndrome , then why would they be kind to mine ? " . But I can 't think like that , or I will drive myself nuts ! I know Regan 's value as a person , Todd knows it , our family and friends know it , and most importantly , God knows it . And this is the path that he has laid out for us . This path we accept . Before I continue on with my story , I wanted to mention something that I would love to do . After each post about my lovely little Regan , I will add an inspirational quote or image regarding the amazing ABILITIES of people with Down syndrome . ( I will list where the quote / image came from if I know - but most are simple Facebook posts ! ) I want to help raise awareness , and to let others know , that it is ok to have a baby with Down syndrome . Don 't be afraid … . they are awesome ! And adorable … . . On June 14th , 2012 our beautiful Regan Alexis was born . She weighed 6lb . 15oz , and was 20 inches long . This was the most amazing moment in the lives of my husband , Todd , and I . We were so ridiculously excited to meet our new daughter ! And she was absolutely perfect ! A couple of hours after she was born we had a little bit of a scare . Regan turned a little blue , and felt cold . We asked some nurses to come in and check on her , and they came running into the room . She was struggling to breathe , and the nurses thought they heard a heart murmur . They took her to a transition area to monitor her , and a couple of hours later , she had another episode with her breathing . At this point they sent her to the NICU ( Neonatal Intensive Care Unit ) . I was then able to go see her , and was so saddened by what I saw . Little Regan was hooked up to every machine thinkable . She had a feeding tube in her mouth , oxygen in her nose , an IV in her head , a heart monitor on her chest , and was under a heat lamp to help regulate her body temperature . It was difficult to see her like that , but I was happy to be there with her so she wasn 't alone . I asked the nurse , " So what are we looking at here ? " . And then came the words that would forever change our life . The nurse said , " Your baby may have Down syndrome . " . Our whole world went a little numb . As a new parent , you never imagine that you are going to hear something like that . Especially not after only a few hours of having your child . I felt lost and confused , and had no idea what to think . And in all honesty , we really didn 't have much time to think , because there was test after test to be performed , and so we tried to focus on getting Regan off all those machines , so we could take her home . It could be a week or two before we would know for sure what the genetic test would show . So we held out hope . The first bit of good news came in within the next hour or so . They sent Regan to have an echocardiagram to check on her heart - and thankfully - no heart defect . Whew … . a little weight off the shoulders . The next day she was regulating her own body temperature and was off the heat lamp . The day after that - no more oxygen . So we asked the nurse if they could take out the feeding tube and let us try to feed her with a bottle . She got the go ahead from the doctor , but they told us not to expect much . ( This is likely because they suspected DS ( Down syndrome ) and that most babies with DS have trouble feeding . ) Well … . . little Regan sucked that first bottle down like a little champ ! We were so proud ! And she had no problem with every bottle following and did not have to go back on the feeding tube . More bullets dodged ! She is doing so well , that on the 4th day the only things left are phototherapy to treat her jaundice , and the need to keep her on her antibiotics for a few more days just to make sure she didn 't have any kind of infection . And … she didn 't . So our little girl was coming home on day 6 ! Sooooo excited there really are not words ! But … . . there still was that pesky genetics test that they reminded us about daily , often several times a day when a new nurse or doctor came on shift . ( We got really tired of hearing , " You know your baby might have DS right ? " . ) YES , we know …… you guys have told us like a million times , can we just enjoy our little angel , and be happy that she is doing so well and is healthy . Oh and by the way , she is doing so well that you are letting us take her home . Or , do we have to remind YOU of that ! Sorry … . . a little bitter about all that ! Stay tuned , more to come … . . |
I read a lot of blogs . Some are linked over to the right in my sidebar . Many are not . I read them for a wide variety of reasons - - they 're interesting , or entertaining , or infuriating , or eye - opening , or or or . There are lots of reasons to read blogs . I 've mentioned one of them before . There 's the blog with the mother who 's a fabulous and gifted photographer , but she goes far over the top with what she does for her kids . She doesn 't do anything simple ; everything 's beribboned to the point of ( my ) exhaustion . I should say here that it 's absolutely her right to do whatever the hell she wants for her children . If she wants to make homemade labels for the bottles of root beer at her daughter 's birthday party , more power to her . They were adorable . But I 'll be the one throwing cans of pop in a giant garbage can full of ice , thanks . She 's been blogging lately about how she is admittedly obsessed with making amazing holiday memories for her kids . She 's done this in a variety of ways , most up at the level of the homemade root beer labels above . Some of the ideas are charming . Others I just don 't get . It 's her family , so she 's choosing how she wants to create the holidays for them ; it brings her joy , and that 's fantastic . Someday , though , I hope her kids don 't feel like they 're failing if they can 't achieve that level of heavily - ornamented , highly engineered holiday shenananigans for their own families . ( And I bet you a dollar that most of the moms in her ' hood want to bop her over the head with one of her crafty gifts . ) I have wonderful memories of holidays in my own family . Thinking about them , my memories primarily revolve around being with family and friends , and having a sparkly Christmas tree . That 's pretty basic . Those are things I can do for Elle - - I 've been doing them already , for both of her first two Christmases . What does it boil down to ? We all parent in our own way , and we parent in the way that is right for us . Elle doesn 't need glitter on her driveway to know that Christmas is special , and that she is lovedPosted by We 're taking a break from swimming lessons in January - - somehow , the logistics of wet toddler - wrangling in the middle of a Midwestern winter seemed like too much . We 'll resume in the spring . But I really liked having that one night a week where we didn 't do our usual routine . ( home / dinner / bath / stories / bed . ) I liked having a more structured activity with Elle . So , since at this age children are stuck with activities that reflect their parents ' interests , I 've found a local place that does music classes for kids and parents . They have age - appropriate classes that sound fantastic , and even segue into actual instrument lessons when the kids are older . There 's a toddler class that sounds so right up my alley I could just pop . Now , I know perfectly well how to turn on music and dance around with my daughter . We do it frequently . But I like the idea of a more structured process , with the bonus of interacting with other kids her age . It 's tough to find after - work classes . The time window is so narrow for toddlers - - the class has to pretty much be at 5 : 30 or 6 : 00 , and that 's it . In the little suburb I live in , there are thousands of daytime opportunities for the SAHMs . Great for them , not for me . So I was thrilled to find this class and am really looking forward to it . So Elle will now have had classes in swimming and music , decided upon by her former swimming and currently singing mom . If she gets into soccer , I 'm in big trouble . People keep asking what I 'm getting Elle for Christmas . Hello ? She 's 17 months old . I could give her a plastic - wrapped disposable spoon and she 'd probably go mental with joy . That said , I do have a few small things under there for her to unwrap , and I suspect my parents will show up with a U - Haul full of plastic toys that make noise . ( They think it 's funny . Having asked them multiple times to look for toys that require more than pushing a button , I don 't find it quite as hilarious . ) I did give them a list for her , trying to guide them a bit , so we 'll see how that goes . Some books , mostly , and maybe a little chair that 's sized for her . She spends a lot of time sitting on the bottom step , looking cool , so I think a chair would suit her well now . ( I feel like she 's still a bit young for a kid - sized table and chairs set . That 's for sometime in the coming year . ) Depending on how much they show up with , I am planning to tuck a few things away for long winter weekends when someone needs a little distraction ! My parents will be here for a week . There 's a lot to do in that week , so I 'm not as bothered by their presence in my small house as I might be otherwise . We 're actually taking Elle to daycare one day that I 'm off work and going out as adults - - as much as we all adore our resident toddler , it 's possible to have a much more relaxing outing without her once in a while . We 're having a friend to dinner one night , I 'm taking Elle to the choir Christmas party one night - - for a while , anyway - - and we 're even having Elle 's sitter over for dessert on Christmas day . It 's a busy week . I guess I should get my house decorated ! I feel a little odd going to the choir Christmas party - - I 've only made it to one rehearsal since the season started this fall , and haven 't sung a single Sunday . I still see many people at church in general , and the choir director knows that for Elle 's first couple of years I won 't be around much , so I guess I shouldn 't feel that weird . When she 's a little older , I 'll just take her to rehearsal with me . A nPosted by I was just thinking the other night about two friends - they share the same first name , but they are very different . Yet they were both critical influences in my path to single parenthood . The first S ( we 'll call her S1 ) is a friend through work . She 's actually one of our vendors ; she 's been in the business for years and I 've worked with her for ages . We 've always gotten along and chat about almost everything but business when we 're together . We 've compared dating woes and lamented single life ( and celebrated it , more than once ) . S1 has a beautiful daughter , now 5 , who she adopted from Viet Nam as an infant . She did this as a single parent . When S1 's daughter was about a year and a half old , we went to lunch . I was honest : I wanted to pick her brain about being a single parent . She was so excited to share her experiences . At that point , I was planning to adopt . I even went to an orientation at the agency she used . At this lunch , S1 talked candidly about surviving the first year of her daughter 's life ( and make no mistake - the first year as a single mom is primarily a test to see if you can keep your child alive and not lose your mind . But that 's another blog post , I think ) . She talked about how her life had changed , for better and for worse . She talked about her daughter . She answered any question I posed to her honestly . It was enormously helpful . I remember in particular one thing . I asked S1 how she knew she was ready to take that step . Because , let 's face it : When you choose that path , you 're tacitly admitting that another path isn 't possible at the moment . Sure , many single moms end up dating and marrying and even having more children . But it 's not likely to happen for at least a little while , simply due to logistics . When you choose single motherhood , you 're de facto delaying other choices . S1 said she just knew . And she looked at me and said " When you 're ready , you 'll know it too . " We talked about how , then , I wasn 't ready . Fast forward to New Year 's Eve 2008 . Out Posted by My posting vacation has not been due to anything other than normal life craziness . All continues to be well . Elle is a full - fledged toddler now , with all that entails . I shouldn 't find tantrums so entertaining , but ( usually ) I do . Does that make me a bad person ? I haven 't seen this yet , but according to her sitter , when she does into FULL - blown tantrum mode , this is how she does it : Lowers herself carefully to the floor . Rolls onto her stomach . Has a tantrum . Looks up periodically to make sure you 're paying attention . That 's my girl - - no flinging herself down randomly for Elle ! You might get hurt if you do that , after all . We went to a single mom holiday brunch today which was so , so much fun . The hostess has multiple floors , so she set up the kids on the first floor with babysitters , then the moms ( and babies , and toddlers that refused the basement ) on the second floor . I left Elle down there a little tentatively . . . and she stayed the whole time . ( Which only ended up being about an hour and change , since it was midday and I needed to get her home for a nap at some point . ) Other moms coming up and down let me know she was fine . Eventually I went down , and she was very happy to see me , came over and gave me multiple hugs ( this is my favorite thing ever , by the way ) , and then sat in my lap so I could read her a book . ( " Reading " right now involves her pointing at things and telling you an involved story , none of which makes any sense . Fine by me . ) The sitters who were watching the kids ( and man , they should get hazard pay ) said Elle was so good - - friendly with the other kids , happy , laughing , adaptable . She 's fabulous . Not that I 'm biased , or anything . While Elle 's napping on this grey , chilly afternoon , I thought I 'd pop in and update . Apologies for the lack of regular updates - - it 's been an incredibly busy few weeks , with colds , coughs , and developmental changes . Blogging isn 't just taking a back seat ; it 's dragging behind the car hanging onto a rope for dear life . We have walking ( unsteadily ) , we have even more talking , we have desperately wanting to see what Mama is doing in the kitchen AT ALL TIMES . We have the increased clinginess / neediness / whining that comes with major developmental changes . We also have the amazing leaps in growth and comprehension that make the clinginess / neediness / whining easier to bear - - her receptive language comprehension grows exponentially every day , and her spoken vocabulary continues to develop . Maybe I should say it continues to become more comprehensible ? I feel like she 's been saying many of these things / phrases forever , but just hasn 't been articulating them to the level where I can understand them . Mama is slow sometimes . Elle is a joy , every day , even when I 'm tired and sneezy and wish I could crawl into bed without obligations , like I did before I became a parent . This Thanksgiving , I am thankful for my amazing daughter . I am thankful my tiny family is healthy , barring colds and sneezy . I am thankful for our friends , who continue to be in my life despite how my life has changed . I 'm thankful for my good job and my excellent health insurance . I am thankful for the roof over our heads , the food on our table ( even when it gets flung to the floor ) , and the clothes on our backs . We have been given so many blessings ; I don 't want to take a single one for granted . If you celebrate it this week , happy Thanksgiving . If you don 't , have a great week . I 'm told that the toddler aversion to trying new foods is actually a protective measure that 's built in - - it stops them from eating potentially dangerous / toxic foods . I guess if you 're living in a cave , it 's good to have instincts that stop you from eating whatever random things you find growing on a bush , hm ? Given that Elle is not exactly finding random food in random places , the look of deep suspicion she gives to new foods I put on her high chair tray makes me laugh . One would think that avocado is made of green toxic alien brains , for instance . She almost took a bite of it tonight , then thought better of it , flung it back on her tray , and rubbed the remaining bits of it all over her face . ( This must be how people discovered avocado facial masks ! Ha ! ) I keep putting new food on there , periodically , with the idea that it will eventually work . It did at lunch today , shockingly - - she willingly ate several slices of mandarin oranges , which has expanded her group of " fruit she 'll eat without it being hidden in applesauce " exponentially . I 've been putting it in front of her off and on for weeks now ; she 's eaten a piece or two , here and there . Today was the first time she ate it with purpose and enjoyment . I 'm glad - - she needs all the vitamin C she can get , as do I . * * We had our first playdate yesterday at our house - - it was complete and total chaos but fun , and smart to have it the night before we fell back for daylight savings time . Elle was so pooped that she woke up at pretty much her normal time on the clock this morning , though of course it was an hour later than her usual waking . Naps were borked today and she was asleep within minutes of me putting her down - - and I put her down early , which I will probably regret . But baby girl was tired . * * In other news , with Halloween over , candy corn will not be easily available in the stores . THANK GOD . I , and my butt , are grateful . I 've been reading the Tumblr for the 99 % - - I can 't possibly keep up with every posting , but I scan them periodically . What strikes me most is that these are ( generally ) not people living stupid lives ; they 're people who 've done what middle - class people have been doing in this country for generations , and now have no way out , no help , no health insurance . The middle class of our parents ' generation is fast becoming a memory . There are some that hurt more than others to see . There are a good number of veterans on there , barely surviving . There are parents not knowing how they will pay for clothing for their babies . There are parents who eat one meal a day so their kids can eat three . There are people who can 't afford medications and / or treatment for conditions that are easily helped with one or both of those things . It 's common for Americans to scoff at people like this . It 's their fault . They made bad choices . I don 't think it 's that simple any more . I 'm by no means the 1 % , but I feel like I was one of the last generations that got to grow up with health insurance ( thanks to my father 's job ) , go to college , and have my loans paid off within a ( somewhat ) reasonable time period of finishing school . I even had much of my grad school paid for by companies I worked for , which is also going the way of the dodo . I bought a home that , while it 's not worth nearly what it was , at least isn 't underwater ; if I had to sell , I 'd come out OK . I am very lucky . I wish other people were so lucky . I am also acutely conscious of how little it would take to put me in the category of the unemployed , the uninsured , the foreclosed , the repossessed , the terrified over how to make ends meet . Anyone who thinks they 're safe , that somehow it couldn 't happen to them - - well , it could . It can . Unless you 're part of the 1 % , it could always happen to you . At any time . And as a single parent , this is even scarier than it is for those who have another income ( or at least the potential for another income ) to rely on . I look at Elle 's curls , at her roPosted by Rhetorical question of the day : How is it possible to love someone so much , yet want nothing more than a few hours away from them ? ( I know it 's possible ; I 've felt that with some of my relationships in the past . " I love you ! I want to smooch you ! Then leave me alone ! " This is one of the many , many reasons I 'm single . ) I have a friend coming over Saturday to hang with Elle , and I 've got two hours to myself . I 'm not going to do anything particularly thrilling , but it will be nice to have some much - needed time away . I need to get on finding a weekend sitter . No luck so far . It will be easier when Elle is slightly older - - I 'll be fine with a high school kid - - but when she 's this small and ( relatively ) non - verbal , I want a sitter with a bit more maturity . With the exception of actually walking ( she 's sooo close ) , Elle is now a full - fledged actual toddler , moods and all . This is apparently the time where they 're figuring out that they 're a separate person from mom , and realizing they can exert their own will over things / situations . Elle being Elle , she figured that out a while ago - - long before she 'll figure out how to walk . My girl has a very strong personality , and very definite ideas of her own . I 've had to stop making eating any kind of a battle , for instance . If dinner is a saltine and three bites of cheese , that 's dinner - - and she doesn 't seem to be waking up in the middle of the night hungry , so clearly she 's getting what she needs . Sunday night dinner was about eight blueberries , five or six yogurt puffs and around 14 - 16 ounces of milk . ( No , I 'm not exaggerating . Literally , close to three sippy cups full , and they 're six ounces each . ) I think she had some American cheese , as well . Apparently she 's craving calcium ? She didn 't want water , she didn 't want food . She wanted milk . So , anyway . I send a wide variety of nutritious foods with her to day care , she eats well there , and I can 't kill myself over it beyond that . She will rarely try new foods right now , and I remind myself that 's normal . Toddlers will eat whenPosted by Dear Elle : You are 15 months old . That doesn 't seem right . I saw a baby today at work who was about six or seven months old , and that seems like the right number . 15 months feels too far along . You are right on the brink of so many things : your one - year molars ( two down , two to go ) , walking , complete sentences . There is not a moment where you aren 't looking around for something to get into . You are a nonstop blur of activity ; in fact , I 'm having trouble getting clear pictures of you these days , even on the good camera . You have Things To Do . These Things To Do are often hard on you . Molars are painful , and you don 't understand why your mouth hurts . You are so good , really , even though you hurt . Walking is still something of a mystery to you , though you 're figuring it out more each day . Language - - well , I 'm not worried about that . Your vocabulary and receptive language are both exceptional . I don 't understand all of your babbling , of course , and feel bad about that - - you sometimes look at me as if you 're thinking " Lady , could I be more clear ? Why don 't you know what I 'm saying ? " Sometimes , I feel like I 'm just in your way . You have never been the snuggliest of babies and that has continued into toddlerhood . You are so alert and interested and independent ; taking time to nestle into my shoulder probably seems like energy that would best be spent planning on how to destroy the dining room . So the rare moments when you wrap your hand around mine , or lean against me , or rest your head on my shoulder , are moments I treasure . It 's also one of the ways I can tell when you 're truly tired - - if you rest your head on my shoulder , I know you 're really ready for bed . We 've started saying prayers at bedtime , as part of the routine . Nothing fancy - - we sit in the rocker and ask God to bless the people we love , ask for good dreams and a good night . Sometimes we 'll say a more formal prayer , but it 's usually just a few words before our last lullabye . You seem oddly attentive during this time ; I think you recognize some of the names Posted by We are having strangely summer - like weather here in the middle of the country . I can 't even call it a proper Indian summer - - it 's summer , plain and simple . I know it 's probably related to global warming and doom , but it 's kind of nice . Elle 's sound asleep right now ; on the video monitor I can see her sprawled on her back , her little polkadot skirt all up around her waist , her hair tousled , her cheeks rosy . ( It 's a black and white monitor , but I know they 're rosy . ) Seriously , she 's adorable . And I 'm not at all biased . When she gets up we are going out . OUT . Well , there will probably be a snack first ( she 's not eating much this weekend , again ) but then we are going out to drink in every bit of this beautiful day . There will probably be a visit to the park in there somewhere , as well . You can 't waste a day like today , after all . No big updates , really . At the end of it , life - - whether you 're single , married , a parent , or childless - - isn 't always about the big updates . It 's the little day - to - day things , good and bad , that make up the fabric of your life . Right now , they 're mostly good things , and I count my blessings every single day . An unexpected day off today ( my sitter was sick ) ended up being a ( mostly ) lovely day . We 're having sunny beautiful weather here in the middle ; if you [ 're going to have an unplanned day off , might as well be able to get out . Someone didn 't want a morning nap , so we headed out to the library story hour , which is followed by open play . It 's geared towards babies up to 15 months , so it 's a nice time , and there were clearly a lot of moms who knew each other . There were a few I recognized , too , which made me feel good . ( One is a woman I go to church with ; her girls were baptized the same day as Elle . She never seems to recognize me , though we 've met more than twice , and doesn 't make eye contact . Since she seemed not to make eye contact with anyone there , I 'll say it 's because she 's shy , not because she hates me . But she probably hates me . Heh . ) Finally got Elle settled in for an afternoon nap , and was able to sit in on a conference call for work . As the call was winding down , about an hour later , I started hearing noise out behind my place . Sawing , of some kind . A quick glance at the video monitor told me that Elle wasn 't moving ; thank goodness . She needed that nap . She 's a good solid sleeper ; some sawing isn 't going to bug her . Within a few minutes , any hope of the nap going longer than an hour was gone . Because they started using jackhammers . Literally right under Elle 's window . She woke up crying and disoriented , and I gave up hope on both the nap and on getting any more work done and got us the hell out of there . The noise was so loud that there just wasn 't anywhere to go in my house to get away from it , so we escaped entirely . Again , thank goodness for the beautiful day - - long walk , a bit of window shopping , playing in the park ( oh , we love the swings , yes we do ) . Really lovely end - of - summer day , and Elle was remarkably sunny all the way to bedtime , given her sleep deficit . She was out within about two minutes of hitting her crib . My poor girl . She 'll probably sleep most of the day at her sitter 's tomorrow ! This is such Posted by I e - mailed someone ( who had posted to a local list saying she wanted babysitting jobs ) about possibly babysitting ; no response . How is it so hard to respond to my e - mail and say " Sorry , not interested " ? Young people these days . Get off my lawn ! Getting exercise into my schedule is ( as I 've mentioned before ) not as easy as it used to be . Sure , I could still go to the Y , but I leave Elle for 11 - 12 hours a day , five days a week , and I 'm really not in the mood to add several hours a week on top of that . So I 've gotten more creative . I use my much - loathed exercise bike , I 've started the 200 situps challenge , and there 's a yoga class once a week near my office . ( I don 't get to the class every week , not by a long shot , but an occasional yoga class is better than no yoga at all . ) The problem is - - and there 's always a problem , isn 't there ? - - that the only time I reliably have to myself is after Elle goes to bed . Most of the time she 's a good , sound sleeper , so when she falls asleep by 8 p . m . - ish , I have the evening . Which sounds luxurious , doesn 't it ? No other kids to wrangle , no spouse to talk to . Just me . Except it 's me and all the dinner dishes , and then getting food ready for the next day . It 's me and the bills . It 's me and checking my e - mail . It 's me and work I brought home . It 's me and exercise . Given that I should really be IN bed and on the way to sleep by 10 p . m . at the very latest , which therefore includes pre - bedtime ablutions , that 's really not much time . And it doesn 't exactly work in any down time . I was feeling really whiny about this the other day - - I need " me time , " and always have . Being a parent , though , means that " me time " is last on a long list of things that matter . My time away from work , right now , is important as it relates to parenting Elle - - not as it relates to me having time to laze about on the sofa eating Cheetos and watching Law and Order reruns . But sometimes , couch time is really appealing , and much - missed . Gym time , too . ( I really loved the gym . ) I 've been turning this over in my head tPosted by Why do you oppressMe with your vegetables ? I want a cookie . Sometimes I think youHave fun while I am napping . That is not allowed ! Why can 't I pull allThe pots out of the cupboard ? On the floor is best . If I throw myselfOff the sofa , I know thatYou will catch me . Whee ! I may have said this here before ( I 'm too beat to check ) but a friend told me , back when I was pregnant , that as a parent time flies - - but sometimes days feel like they go on for years . It didn 't make sense to me until , eventually , it did . Today was one of those days . I just keep repeating to myself " Something big is coming up developmentally . Something big is coming up developmentally . " Whenever there 's upheaval in sleep , eating , and temperament , something 's coming down the pike . It could be more teeth . It could be more words ; even at her tender age she 's already so frustrated that she can 't tell me what she wants . It could be walking - - she 's trying so hard to stand ; she pulls up on things and cruises OK now , but she 's trying hard to stand up from the ground and can 't quite get it . I also think she 's starting to transition to one nap . Whatever the hell it is , please let it happen quickly . I am tired . Even with today being rough , it was actually a good weekend . Elle is a terrific toddler , really . She 's still fascinated with books and ( when she 's not half - dead with exhaustion ) can entertain herself for a good fifteen minutes with her various board books , paging through them , putting them on and off the shelf , etc . I don 't have a lot to compare her to , obviously , but she seems to already be a pretty self - sufficient little one who can entertain herself pretty well . This , of course , is awesome . I think she 's finally asleep now . Thank goodness . My little muffin really needs a good night 's sleep ; let 's hope she gets one . Let 's hope I do too ! The single mom gathering today was nice . I didn 't know anyone there but if you 're in a group of moms and you all have young children , you usually find something to talk about . Even if it 's diapers . ( Still not interested in cloth diapers , thanks . ) The single mom group I 've been part of since before Elle was born , however , is made up of different people than this one . The group I 've been in for ages is made up entirely of women who actively chose to become mothers , whether through artificial insemination ( anonymous or known donor ) or through adoption . It was a proactive choice . With the group today , while I didn 't find out how everyone became a mother ( I 'm not going to ask , after all ; if it comes up , it comes up ) , the people I did find out about had all been involved with their child 's father and the father left when he found out the woman was pregnant . In some cases , the father is involved ( to widely varying degrees ) in the child 's life . In some cases , not . I got to thinking on the way home , and later as I put together dinner ( BTW , the pot roast was a complete failure . Boo ! I 've made this recipe a dozen times and never had it turn out this poorly ) - - what is better ? What is worse ? Is it better to know who your father is but know that he has little or no interest in being in your life ? Or is it better that you don 't have a father , but you have a donor , who has no option for involvement ? I mulled this over quite a bit today . As I was cleaning up after Elle went to bed , I realized : I can 't answer the question . The answer is probably different for every child . And the child is the only person that can answer it for themselves . There are days when parenting feels impossible . Overwhelming . And there are days where it feels OK . Like today . There 's a pot roast in the crock pot ( whether Elle will eat it or not , who knows ) . The mess in the house is at a manageable level . The laundry is done . Not put away , but done . We 've read a couple of books together and played and had a pretty good breakfast ( FYI , today strawberries are EVIL . Despite the fact that she 'll eat them at the sitter 's house . Whatever ) . We have a single mom picnic later today , and it 's local - - I don 't have to schlep into the city , even . The sun is out and maybe we 'll take a nice long walk later . She 's winding up her morning nap now . I am blessed . Tired , but blessed . On this day , especially , I give thanks . Elle 's new favorite thing : she likes to " read " to you . Great long unintelligible strings of consonants and vowels , with inflection and pauses and emphasis , and even checking for understanding . She turns the pages , and the story she 's telling you changes with each page . This can go on for 20 + minutes . Per book , and she likes to read multiple books . It is ridiculously , ridiculously adorable . I need to get it on video ( although she spots the camera and whoosh , short attention span theatre ! ) . Clearly , she 's a genius . I just love the age / stage Elle 's at right now . Verbal , inquisitive , friendly - - she 's just a treat every single day . But I looked at a very recent picture of her and thought " Holy crap , she 's a full - fledged toddler . " There 's no baby in there any more , at all . Twice a year , there 's a consignment sale that benefits a local charity . I sold some of Elle 's things there last spring and am planning to sell stuff this fall , as well . You don 't make a ton of money , but it 's something , and it goes straight into Elle 's tiny savings account . They sell stuff on a seasonal basis , so last night I pulled out Elle 's outgrown clothes from last winter so I could start tagging them . Oh , my goodness . Oh . Those little six - month sleepers ; I doubt she could even get one of her legs into them now . How is it even possible ? How does it go so quickly ? This morning she was standing up in her crib , smiling and talking to me a mile a minute , and I just had to go over and kiss the top of her head over and over , breathing her in . Don 't grow up too fast , baby girl . Give me just a few minutes to drink you in as you are today , before you go off changing into someone new . Last week , a friend ( not someone who reads this ) posted on Facebo0k about how she made it to a store with her baby all by herself , and the baby was good the whole time . Apparently , going to the store alone with an infant is something to be celebrated . ( To be fair , she was also celebrating having found something on sale * , but the feel of the status update was definitely more " ooh , I did the store all by myself with the baby and no husband ! " ) Well , welcome to my life . I love when friends want to go shopping with us , but 95 % of the time , it 's me plus an increasingly squirmy toddler strapped into the cart , moving as fast as we can . Elle likes shopping , sure , but the toddler attention span is ( in ) famous and not to be messed with . Our regular checker at the Tar . get knows to quickly scan whatever item she 's entertaining herself with and GET IT BACK TO HER , in order to avoid Drama . Being a single parent means many things , including getting things done with a little one in tow . You just . . . do it . I guess when you don 't have to " just do it , " it 's something to celebrate ? One of the best parts of being a parent is seeing the world through their eyes . Elle is absolutely delighted by so many things - - things that are completely ordinary to those of us who 've been around a while . Here are just a few of the things that make her incredibly happy : - Me , coming into her room in the morning when it 's time to get up . Somehow , I birthed a morning person . - Putting on socks . ( She 's already trying to put them on herself . Clearly , she 's brilliant . ) - Asking her " do you want to brush your teeth ? " She loves this . I think it 's because she uses the kid toothpaste and it tastes like bubble gum , but it still cracks me up when she breaks into a huge smile after you ask the question . I should really get it on video . - Fabric . She finds something - - a cloth napkin , a t - shirt that missed the hamper , anything - - and whips it around . Puts it on her head . Wraps it around her neck . She just loves playing with it ; the drawer with napkins and a table runner in it is way more fun than 85 % of her toys . This makes folding and putting away laundry a very non - straightforward process , but I 've discovered I don 't really care . She has so much fun - - I can put the laundry in neat piles later . Simple pleasures . But watching how much fun life in general is for my girl , it 's not so simple after all . Posted by I 'm about two years late to the party , but Lady Gaga 's " Bad Romance " is one heck of a fun song . I have no interest in her or her persona . I just like to dance around every now and then . Elle will shake her booty , too , depending on the song . It 's so cute . Once she 's walking ( still not , though she 's standing and pulling herself up , so she 's on the way ) I hope it continues . I have a terrible weakness for Bollywood movies and music , as well . In our house , the item song " Sheila Ki Jawani " is cause for lots of laughter and booty - shaking . I don 't need to know what the singer is actually saying ; I 'm all about the beat . And Elle thinks it is HILARIOUS ; the chorus , in particular . Probably because I ham it up . When I have some spare time ( ha ! ha ha ha HA ! ) I need to sit down and put together a dancing playlist on my IPod . I will love it so much if we are a dancin ' kind of family , and I 'd like to encourage it however I can . I 'm thinking Abba , maybe some Michael Jackson . Bollywood . Lady Gaga . I 'll have to look through what I have . Suggestions welcome ! It 's funny . I really need a break . I need time to myself . I have always needed this ; I recharge best alone . But when I get a break , I spend most of the time thinking about getting back to Elle . Everything changes , indeed . Elle is not great at sharing . Yet . I believe this is typical for just - over - one - year - old toddlers . Apparently this week at the sitter 's , the sitter gave another little girl a cracker . Elle leaned over , smacked the little girl 's hand , said " No , " and took her cracker . " Where did she learn that ? " the sitter asked me . Um . Well , she learned that from me . Except for the stealing the cracker part . Let me explain . No , there is too much . Let me sum up . ( Gratuitous Princess Bride references always welcome in my house . ) Elle has a tendency to hit at my face - - not hard , but more flail - y kind of hitting . 99 % of the time I take her hand , enfold it in mine , and say sternly " No . We do not hit Mama . We are nice . " And then I take her hand and demonstrate " nice " face touching . Which she thinks is hilarious . I have no idea if she 's actually learning anything from this , but it 's how I respond almost every time . A couple of times , though , I have tapped my fingers firmly on the back of her hand , said the same thing , and shook my head . It is not by any stretch of the imagination hitting her , but it is physical contact . But she has clearly retained what happened and is duplicating it in her own social interactions . Something that has happened to her only a very few times - - and she 's doing it herself . There are probably a zillion other things that have happened to her , and she 's not duplicating them ; this clearly made an impression on her . I do not plan on using any kind of corporal punishment . ( I am pretty sure , however , that I 'll slip up and there will be the occasional swat on the butt . ) No face slapping , no spanking , etc . It 's not what I want to teach Elle . I was spanked and turned out fine , but those memories are not ones I want to duplicate with my daughter . I think every family needs to make their own choices , but I just don 't think corporal punishment is necessary for mine . It would be a stretch to say that Elle 's memory of a back - of - the - hand tap is damaging or unpleasant for her , but again , it clearly made an impression . These little things that we don 't even think about are soaking into children 's brains and coming out in what they say , do , and think . We are their role models , for better or for worse . Getting that lesson this early is sobering and ( to be honest ) scary . She learned that from me . May the next time I see that happen , it be something better and more positive . Posted by My parents visited this past weekend . They adore Elle . She adores them . She will have precious little ( blood ) family as she grows up , so I want her to spend as much time as possible with her grandparents for as long as she can . My parents are not young , so all these moments are precious . They don 't live in the area , unfortunately . I never thought I would want my parents nearby , but now I do - - for Elle , not for me . While they are still healthy , I 'd love for them to be able to spend time with her . They talk about moving but just haven 't done what they need to do ; some of that is because of the economy , and some of that is that I think they are in a bit of denial about the fact that , if they want to really know Elle , they will need to live in a major metro area that they ( well , my dad , at least ) doesn 't much care for . I 'm not leaving anytime soon . This is where my support network is , and barring some kind of relocation relative to work , this is where I 'll be for a while . ( Someday , I 'll be in Colorado . But that 's a long way away , and my parents will be gone by then . ) What is funny is that when I talk to one of them about it , they each blame the other . And they believe it . Heh . So they come , and they adore Elle ( in their own ways , anyway ; my confusion with how my mother interacts with her is a topic for another post ) . And I end up doing all the heavy lifting to enable them to spend time with her . I guess that 's my role , maybe ? I guess I don 't feel like they 're guests , exactly ; they 're family , and I 'm used to pitching in when I 'm a guest in their home . That same thing doesn 't happen here , although my mother will usually cook at least one meal , which is nice . I do wish I 'd had a child when I was younger . I wasn 't ready , though . And if I 'd done this five years ago , I wouldn 't have Elle ; there 's a reason for everything . Another advantage of younger parenthood is that my own parents would have been younger , around for more of Elle 's life , and probably able to do more with her . Regrets are naturaJ We 've been taking swimming lessons at the local Y . ( " Swimming lessons " consists , at this age , of splashing around singing . Elle loves it , and so do I . ) I 've enrolled us in both summer sessions , and just went to enroll in the fall session . The price for fall went up by about thirty bucks . Thirty bucks . That 's half again as much as it was . The session 's a couple of weeks longer , yes , but not that much longer . But I wish I didn 't have to think about it . I wish thirty bucks wasn 't a big deal . I wish I could give Elle everything and anything , because she deserves it . Quality parenting does not equal " giving the kid everything they want . " I know that . But I also know that kids are smart , and if their parent ( s ) is constantly worrying about money , they figure that out early . I wish Elle wasn 't going to have to figure that one out . I am on Facebo . ok , along with half the universe . I post the bare minimum of personal information on there . I don 't even post pictures , because I don 't trust it . ( I have been told by someone in the know that while they call themselves a social networking site , all they are really there for is to gather your personal information whenever they can and then turn around and use it to sell you to marketers . I believe this , and nothing that they have done throughout all the various privacy issues has caused me to revise this opinion . ) Anyway , I enjoy it for keeping up with other people 's lives . It 's kind of like people who post pics of their kids on the internet - I don 't do it myself , but I get a huge kick out of OTHER people doing it . Double Standards R Us ! I 've reconnected with some people from my distant youth , and am able to keep in touch much better even with some of my local friends . It definitely has value , especially if you 're careful how you use it . One thing that consistently causes me agitas is the whole friend request thing . If you were my sworn enemy in high school , why the heck do you want to friend me now ? If we had a bitter , painful breakup , why in the world would I want to keep up with your life ? If we barely knew each other , you are trying to friend me . . . why ? Now , some people collect friends like they 're going to get a prize for the highest number . That 's totally fine . Me , I try to have people on my friends list that I actually like , and would like to keep in semi - regular contact with . After the early days of my FB involvement ( where I friended at least a couple of people I regret friending ) , I adopted what I call my no guilt policy : if I don 't want to friend someone , I hit " ignore " and feel no guilt . No " obligation " friending , thanks . I had someone from college send me a friend request this week . This was someone I always liked and wanted to be friends with , but she was much cooler than I could ever be . So we were mostly friends by association - - through another person , D . D and I are no longer friends and haven 't been for ages , so seeing the friend request from this third party felt a little odd . We weren 't really friends , after all . I must admit I 'm glad I grew up in the days before FB and e - mail and all that . It 's never easy to be a kid , but it was certainly simpler before you had to be " friends " with everyone in your high school class . Oy . I suspect having a no - guilt policy is difficult , if not impossible , when you 're 15 . Elle , sitting in front of the gate that 's over the stairs to the basement , each hand gripping a bar and shaking with great force and intensity . All she needed was a tin cup , really , and you 'd have one heck of a prison movie . The other evening , she didn 't want to leave the playground , so she howled all the way home . And it 's a considerable way home . Of course , if she saw a dog or people , she stopped yelling long enough to check them out , then resumed the noise once they 'd passed on by . She was warm and soft and sleepy . She was also hungry , and after a few ounces of milk , some cuddling with mama , and a diaper change , she went back into her crib and fell asleep for the night without another peep . My sweet girl . ( And yes , she still has a bottle before bed . I don 't put it in the crib with her , ever . We brush her teeth after the bottle and before bed . She puts herself to sleep just fine ; goes into her crib awake and plays until she falls asleep , and the only thing she reaches for as she goes to sleep is her dolly . She drinks from a sippy cup or a regular cup during the day , not a bottle . She doesn 't use a pacifier . It 's another case where " they " tell you there should be no bottle after one year . I 'm so tired of " them " telling me about my baby . She still needs that evening milk . Eventually , she won 't . ) Today , I 'll eat blueberries ! Tomorrow , I 'll act like blueberries were sent straight from Satan and smell like dirty feet . I will whip them off of my tray as fast as you put them on it , so don 't even TRY . I used to get all judgey towards parents who gave their children lots of processed food . Now I know why they do it : they can get the kids to eat it , and at least they 're taking SOME nutrition into their bodies . It may be swimming in fat , nitrates , and preservatives , but at least there are some calories and perhaps a vitamin or two . When Elle was about six months old and venturing into solids , two mom friends both shook their heads and told me the same thing : the first year is so easy . You throw a jar in your diaper bag and poof , that 's lunch . You don 't have to do much outside of finding jarred food your baby likes . ( I 'm aware that there are lots of moms who make baby food from scratch . Good for them , and I mean that . I did it sometimes , but not consistently . My mantra as a parent is " no one gives you an award for doing X , " and that applies to everything from cloth diapering to making baby food . If buying a jar of healthy baby food saved me time in the kitchen , yay . If I had time that day to make and freeze sweet potatos , yay . Whatever works for you as a parent . If you 're looking for judgey , there are plenty of other blogs out there that will give you judgey . ) At a year , magically the baby is supposed to give up bottles , and get all their calories from food they feed themselves . As usual , Elle is taking her own sweet time with all of these milestones , and I 'm fine with that . She 's always had a good appetite , but it 's less predictably good now . " They " say you have to introduce new food to a toddler many , many times before they 'll accept it , and I 'm here to say : yes . I thought I was all set because Elle was willing to eat anything I put in front of her , but I didn 't realize that just because she was willing to eat it once , that didn 't guarantee she 'd eat it twice . Or ever again . My fridge is a graveyard of leftovers , some of which have no chance in hell of ever being consumed by this toddler . My dinners have often become whatever bits of food Elle doesn 't eat ( which is not contributing positively to the size of my ass , that 's for sure ) . The biggest challenge is getting vegetables into her . Fortunately , I 'm not the only parent who 's had this challenge , so there are lots of helpful hints out there . This is why I 'm still buying baby food and using it . The other night , I stirred squash into her macaroni and cheese . She thinks it 's funny to eat from those squeezy pouches , so I buy the Happy Tot pouches that are fruits + vegetables - - there 's one that 's pears / peas / green beans , and another that 's apple / carrot / sweet potato . Having tasted them , I can say they 're pretty darn yummy . And she will EAT IT , giggling as it gets squeezed into her mouth . It 's hilarious , I guess . Sweet potatoes in general are pretty OK with Elle , and they 're healthy . This week , she 's willingly eaten butternut squash as well ; I found one of those microwave steam pouches that was butternut squash in a cinnamon sauce , so I 'm pretty sure she thinks it 's dessert . I do not care . She ate it . Carrots ( unless cooked to mush in red sauce ) , green beans , broccoli , corn , cauliflower , tomatoes - - none have yet met with her approval . But I 'm giving it time , because she 's a toddler , and she 's going to do what she wants to do whether I like it or not . I do need to try feeding her some veggies I don 't like . Just because I dislike lima beans and brussel sprouts doesn 't mean she will too - - after all , she likes mac and cheese , and I think it 's gross . ( I know , I 'm weird . ) Those toddler meals they sell are pretty disgusting , I think , but I have a few on hand as backup . And I have some frozen meals as well , for nights when I 'm in a hurry . But I am trying , when I can , to give Elle relatively simple , fresh , healthy options to choose from . She eats better with her sitter ( she 'll eat what the other kids are eating ) , and I can almost always get her to eat yogurt , cheese , crackers , freeze - dried fruit , Cheerios , Goldfish , pizza , and oatmeal ( and I stir fruit into the oatmeal ) . That 's not a bad array for this age . I can think of at least one SMC whose daughter barely eats anything due to severe feeding issues , and I 'm sure she 'd be ridiculously happy if she could say her daughter ate even half the things on Elle 's list . So I shouldn 't be too crabby about it , I guess . Since becoming a mom over a year ago , I 've been regularly surprised by the things that you don 't know , regardless of how much you read or how much you talk to other parents . I was luckier than some - I knew that breastfe . eding wasn 't always a walk in the park , for instance . I had a pretty good idea of some of the common challenges . But one of the things that 's represented in nearly every movie and television show I 've ever seen , and is certainly something my own mother told me over and over , is how the minute a baby is born , you ( the mother ) are transported away by a love that 's nothing like you 've ever known . It 's magical ! Nothing matters ! You forget the pain of labor ! Blah blah sparkles coming out of your eyes ! Every moment is perfection ! I know that may be the case for many women . I 'm so glad for those who get that . However , if it isn 't the case for you , please know : there 's nothing wrong with you . You are not a bad mother , nor are you a bad person , if you are not transported by ecstasy the moment you give birth . I 'm not talking postpartum depression here . For a frank , helpful discussion of PPD and how one woman is dealing with it , visit Erin 's blog . I 'm talking about those of us that certainly love our baby ( or babies ) right away , but are waiting for the Hollywood soundtrack to start playing and . . . it doesn 't . 34 + hours of labor and a failing epidural meant that by the time they had to take Elle , I was absolutely toast . And she was born in the morning , so there were a lot of hours to go before I could rest . And if you 're bfeeding , they leave the baby in - room with you overnight - - which I understand and totally agree with , but as a single parent with no one else to take Elle and let me get some sleep , I maybe should have asked them to put her in the nursery that first night . ( Also , when you go into labor , TAKE A SHOWER . Immediately . This is my advice . I didn 't do this right when my water broke , and ended up not being able to take a real shower for one hell of a long time . It was gross . My postpartum photos are not exactly attractive - I know they aren 't always , but had I been a little cleaner , it couldn 't have hurt . Also , eat something . There . That 's my advice for women about to have a baby : shower and eat . I 'm nothing if not practical . ) There 's nothing wrong with you if you don 't bond instantaneously . Some women do . Some women bond on the second or the fourth or the twentieth day . I know one mom who 's very honest that she really didn 't feel bonded to her son until he was six or seven months old . It probably happens even later than that for some people . THAT IS OKAY . It is all okay . It 's going to be different for all of us . There 's no template for mother love . Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is full of it . Each path is different ; let yours unfold however it unfolds , don 't compare yourself to anyone , and take it day by day ( or hour by hour ) if you need to . I still don 't hear that Hollywood soundtrack . That 's OK . That 's not how I 'm wired . But I feel a powerful , protective , often overwhelming love for my daughter , and I would do anything - anything - for her . I think she 's awesome . When I went back to work after my leave , I was skinnier than I 'd been in years . I was still kind of strung out in terms of lack of consistent , predictable sleep , and was still breastfe . eding ; I could eat pretty much anything , any time , and it didn 't matter . Nervous energy and providing food for Elle - - however minimal my production was - - apparently took care of my weight issues . I 'm not at my heaviest weight ever , but . . . I 'm far closer to that than I 'd like , and a good 15 pounds heavier than my usual resting point has been . A desk job + stress eating + no longer able to get to the gym have all combined to put me at a weight where I 'm simply not comfortable any more . Not to mention I 'm going to need to buy new clothes if I don 't lose weight now , and that 's just not in my budget . I realized I 've become really out of touch with my body . Pre - Elle , and even during pregnancy , I was far from a gym rat . But I was at the gym at least a couple of times a week , regularly , and I liked it . During pregnancy , I was a regular at my weekly prenatal yoga . I walked regularly with my little Vertigo Dog for many years , summer and winter . So while I 'd never make the cover of Shape , I was certainly healthy and active . Now , even when the weather 's good , I have so little time when I get home from work that I don 't necessarily want to spend it strapping Elle into a stroller . I do sometimes , but in the 1 . 5 - 2 hours I have when we get home at night before Elle 's bedtime , she needs dinner and a bath , and we both need a little time to decompress . ( And play . Always play . ) And then when she goes to bed , I have another 1 . 5 - 2 hours in which to do all the things around the house I need to do , including cooking and cleaning up the kitchen . Plus , Mama needs a little time to screw around on the internet , go through her mail , and maybe ( SHOCK ! ) read a book or watch a movie . I did mention that I have an exercise bike now , and I am trying to use it . I just don 't like the bike very much , so it 's not motivating . ( If it was an elliptical , now . . . ) I can watch a movie while I cycle , so that 's something . The other night I decided to pull out an old yoga tape . Yes , tape . Not even a DVD ! After ten minutes , I was completely exhausted , and went upstairs feeling like a complete failure . My goal now is to up the yoga time by ten minutes each practice until I can do the entire tape ( which I believe is about 40 minutes ) . Once I can do the entire tape , my goal ( of course ) is to simply improve in my practice each time . Hopefully , if I alternate the bike and yoga , I 'll help both my heart and my flexibility . . . not to mention my state of mind . My sitter had a few days off , so rather than get someone else to cover , I took the time off as well . It was a treat ! For three of those days ( two nights ) last weekend , we went with friends to a little beach town about an hour and a half away , not far over the border to a certain mitten - shaped state that we 're close to . The B & B was ideal for several reasons . It was right in town , had the aforementioned porches , and best of all the room I was in had a little separate room , with a door , for Elle 's pack and play . This was terrific , because it meant we didn 't all have to go to bed when Elle went to bed . The first night , after Elle went down , we hung out on the front porch ( attached to the room , so within hearing distance ) drinking whiskey lemonades and talking . Quietly , but talking . The second night , my friend 's husband stayed with Elle while the girls went out for a drink . We were still in bed by ten - - beach living is tiring , man . Also , I 'm old . Elle loved the beach . Loved it . When I put her down at the edge of the water , and the waves rolled in , she immediately started scooting towards the waves , even when they were big and splashed her . That 's my girl . We spent a lot of time under a little canopy , playing in the sand ( I managed to forget her hat , so no matter how much sunscreen I lathered on her , I wanted to limit her amount of time in direct sunlight ) , which was also big fun . She dug in the sand with her sand shovel , and especially liked it when her bucket was filled with water and she could splash in it . Also , dump the water out . Over and over . And over . The only thing she didn 't like was when sand got stuck on her wet hands - - she 'd hold them up and look at me and whine . Cause and effect , sweetheart . Cause and effect . I should also note that I feel very lucky that I have friends who not only don 't mind going on vacation with a toddler , but who really enjoy said toddler . At this age , there 's almost no way I could do this kind of trip solo . The gear alone is more than one person can really handle . And , until Elle is better in the car , it was nice that one of my friends sat in the back seat with her for the latter half of the drive home . ( On the drive there , she just lost her mind for the last 25 minutes or so , and I grimly drove as fast as I safely could . NOT FUN . ) I 've lost some friends since becoming a parent , absolutely . But the people who 've stuck with me are amazing . You really do learn who your friends are when you set out on the single mother journey , and I couldn 't be more blessed . When Elle came along , I 'd been alone and single for fortymumble years . All of a sudden I had a roommate with poor communication skills who didn 't contribute a dime towards the rent or the ( considerably increased ) utilities , who left her stuff all over the place , and who didn 't care much about what time it was when she wanted to make some noise . My daughter is fabulous , but like it or not : it 's an adjustment . There are many reasons why it 's better to be a partnered parent than a single one . One big reason is that , theoretically , with a partner , there 's someone to pick up the occasional slack . If you 're sick , or in a terrible mood , or just don 't feel like you want to engage with that noisy little roommate at the moment , you can ( hopefully ) look at your partner and ask him / her to take that on . Not much of an option when it 's just you . By the time Friday night comes around , sometimes the last thing I really want to do is have to entertain a toddler for a few hours before she goes to bed . ( Hopefully , she goes to bed . ) And there 's no way to punt that to someone else . If anyone wants to post " Honey , you signed up for this , so don 't complain , " feel free . But you know what ? Just because I signed up for this - and I did - doesn 't mean I have abdicated my right to whine occasionally . What struck me the other day was the thought that I hope Elle never feels like she 's a burden . I hope my tired face at the end of the week doesn 't somehow communicate to her that I 'd just rather not engage , or that she 's anything but a blessing . I 'm not much of a poker player , and children are far smarter and more perceptive than we often give them credit for . " Tired on a Friday night " does not equal " too tired for you " or , God forbid , " tired because of you . " It just means that as she gets older , maybe Friday night we watch movies and have pizza , and it 's a way to be together that 's lower - maintenance . I was out of town on business last week . It was my first time away from Elle overnight , and I went two full days without seeing her ; I left for the airport before she got up on day one , and I got home after she went to bed on day two . I had great support from friends on the front and back end , and she stayed overnight with her regular sitter . For her , really , it probably didn 't feel all that different . When I came into her room the morning after I got home , she was as happy to see me as she usually is in the morning - - no more , no less . She is a happy , adaptable little thing , who is clearly secure in the fact that she 's loved and well - cared - for . That 's exactly what I want her to be , so I ignore the intermittent pangs that I would like her to be slightly more dramatically attached to me . That 's just feeding my ego ; that 's not what 's best for Elle . At the end of the day , I 'm her mom . And it 's far more important that I raise a happy , social , well - adjusted child than it is to raise one that feeds some occasional need for validation . * * While I was out of town , I was able to use the little hotel gym . It was decently set up , and featured my favorite exercise machine of all time : the elliptical . I can 't possibly explain how much I love the elliptical . I love it so much that I should be skinny and muscled . Sadly , I can no longer get to the Y ( yes , they have childcare , but I leave Elle for 11 + hours each day ; I 'm not going to get her home and turn around and leave her with yet another sitter several times a week ) , and there 's nowhere in my house that has high enough ceilings to accommodate an elliptical . I did recently get a used exercise bike , and have been doing at least a few miles on that 4 - 5 times a week . This is significantly better than nothing at all , but not nearly as much fun as the dearly beloved elliptical . ( And I 'm watching season three of Slings and Arrows while I 'm on the bike , a Canadian series that has not gotten nearly the attention it deserves . Highly recommended if you like theatre , Shakespeare , or ShakespearePosted by I read a lot of blogs ( only some of which are linked on the sidebar ) . Some single mom blogs , some mom blogs , some dad blogs , some blogs that have nothing at all to do with children , some blogs that are just photography , some food blogs . I may have issues with some things about the internet , but I am and have always been a nosy chicken , so blogs are just a way for me to look into other people 's windows . So to speak . I have to be very careful , however , to just read the blogs . . . not to take anything in them to heart , in either direction . I shouldn 't feel superior to anyone else because of something they say that I disagree with . On the flip side , I shouldn 't let other people 's lives make me feel less than . Someone lives in a fabulous house with a pool ? Good for them . Someone spends thirty hours a week teaching their child to ( insert skill here ) ? Wow , that 's awesome . Someone has a ginormous birthday party for their daughter and even has personalized labels on the root beer bottles ? Damn , that 's cool . That last example , by the way , is for real . At the time I was still planning Elle 's first birthday party , and I truly had a couple of days of completely feeling like some kind of derelict parent because I was planning a potluck picnic at a park , rather than a party with cleverly - named food , personalized party labels on the root beer , elaborate goody bags , and a pony . I truly thought , for a little while , that clearly I should not be a parent . A pony ! Why the hell was I not having a pony ? ( Because a pony is overkill for a one - year - old , that 's why . Arguably , it may be overkill for a four - year - old , but that 's not my call to make . ) So I was feeling like roadkill about how my daughter 's first party was going to be crap on a stick , and I shared that particular blog entry with a friend . The friend shot me an e = mail , the gist of which was " Holy crap , that 's cute . But seriously , who has that kind of time ? Please . " And I felt better . It was a really good lesson . I 'm going to be the parent I 'm going to be . I 'm going to be better than some Posted by My little Elle is now a year old . That seems completely impossible , but it 's true . This time last year I had an infant and was in the throes of figuring out sleeping , eating , and bathing ( for me , not the baby ! ) Now I have a one - year - old with chubby arms and legs , wispy curls at the end of her hair , and very , very Definite Opinions on many things . She has a mind of her own , that 's for sure , and I love it . She 's still not walking , but she scoots around like a pro . I 'm a little concerned that she 's still not pulling up , nor can she get into a sitting position from lying down ( she gets the concept , and tries hard , but can 't do it without help ) , but her pediatrician says give it a few more weeks before we are officially worried . I know kids develop at different paces , and her overall health and disposition are so good that I try to take it easy . ( Unless my parents start harping in on it and get me wound up . I try hard to not let them wind me up . ) She just needs to find a compelling reason to walk , I think . Why walk when you get what you need from scooting ? Her scooting is fast enough that I 've finally babyproofed and installed a good , strong gate at the top of the stairs . No more leaving her on the bed and walking away ; she 's moved to the floor , where she does her best to get into everything she shouldn 't . She doesn 't have much of a vocabulary yet , but her receptive language seems to be on track and she babbles all the time with a wide variety of consonants ( unless she 's around people she doesn 't know ; she gets quiet then ) . She can identify specific toys , and when you ask her to give some love to Dolly , she 'll squish Dolly to her face and love on her . She knows her own name for sure . She knows " no " and REALLY doesn 't like hearing it ( see above re : mind of her own ) - - she 'll do this little scrunchy face thing when you tell her no , which is hysterical . Several times lately I 'm pretty sure she 's repeated a word after I 've said it ; her enunciation isn 't great , so for a while I thought I was imagining things . I wasn 't ! She Posted by Apologies for my absence of late . It 's not because my life is dull and I have nothing to say . . . more like I need to find time to say all the things . ( shoutout to Hyperbole and a Half , which if you haven 't read , you totally should . Try " The God of Cake " first . Or any of her dog posts . ) Anyway , I have a post about Elle turning one . But it 's on my work computer . I promise to track it down and post it Monday . Or possibly Tuesday . FYI , Elle is now one whole year old . There 's too much to say about that , truly , so I 'll just say it and then toddle off to bed . See y ' all next week . It was one of those weekends where ( almost ) everything comes together well - - time with Elle , time to myself , time with good friends . The few bumps in the road were minor and not really a problem . I even got out the invites for Elle 's first birthday bash . Yup . Her first birthday . I 'm not entirely sure when that happened . It 's amazing to me how quickly it has gone , and continues to go . It is also , to be honest , terrifying - - if the next 17 years go this quickly , she 's going to be in college ( hopefully ) in about a week and a half . Or at least it will feel that way . When we 're having a rough patch , I remind myself of this . It won 't last . It isn 't forever . I have her with me for such a very short time , in the scheme of things ; I need to savor every moment . Even the rough ones . Here . Have a baby foot picture . I 'm not exactly a great photographer , but baby feet are darling no matter what . And they fit right in with " No way am I showing my daughter 's face in public , thanks " mantra . From . . . plus oneShe 's pretty cute , for an old almost one - year - old . I think I 'll keep her . One of the things I try hard not to regret is that I waited so long to start trying to become a mom . It doesn 't do any good to regret it - - I wasn 't ready for a hundred reasons . And if I 'd started earlier , I wouldn 't have Elle , and clearly Elle was meant to be here . But sometimes , regret breaks through . It 's doing so now because , had I done this sooner ( and presumably had similar luck in terms of conception ) , there would be some chance of being able to have another child . I know ! The very thought is crazy . Insane . But with Elle nearly a year old , the knowledge that she is an only child with a practically nonexistent family feels like a weight on my chest . It 's not news , of course , but I can still wish it was different . Of course , it 's impossible . At my next birthday I 'll be 45 ; conceiving Elle at 43 was a miracle in itself . Even if I wanted to give it a shot , I no longer have the insurance coverage that made my IVF possible . And if by some miracle I had another child , the daycare costs would kill me . ( Not to mention I have no desire to ever be pregnant again . ) If I had embryos on ice , I just might say what the hell and give it a shot - - why not try a FET , if you 've got them ? But I don 't . I was on massive quantities of drugs and only produced five eggs , and all four that fertilized were transferred . One of them is my beautiful Elle ; there were no spares . That 's probably a good indication that now , getting on to two years later , the likelihood of viable eggs is pretty low . So I have all these rational reasons why it 's just not possible . Right now , though , there 's a part of me that doesn 't care . I guess I 'm just mourning the possibilities . |
A small number of ships traced a leisurely orbit high above the Earth 's atmosphere . Protected by their light - absorbing and radar - scattering hulls , they listened in on the electromagnetic cacophony being produced by the planet 's inhabitants . They received all sorts of useful information about them from TV and radio signals , cellular phone traffic , and police and military communications . But their most valuable intelligence came from a small transmitter , less powerful than a child 's walkie - talkie set , currently located in the Four Corners area of the United States . Did I mention that everyone on this planet is insane ? the transmitter whispered . I must have . Several times , in fact . The transmitter was lodged in the cranium of a twenty - somethingish woman who , at least for the moment , called herself Sandra Keddis . She had been born approximately five months ago in an orbiting test tube , her genes " borrowed " from a seventy year old Australian woman , and her brain - - though entirely her own - - owed the bulk of its knowledge and personality to Fleet Commander Xuraxnos XXIV . For the last five months , she had been learning to blend into the culture of the current superpower , while trying to fill in the wide knowledge gaps left unfilled by PBS and E ! Tonight . You mentioned it , the receiver told her brain . At the moment , Third Pilot Ykras was on " Human Watch , " which pleased Sandra . Ykras was a great sounding board when she needed to talk . But that 's not a terribly useful explanation . Never said it was an explanation , she responded , steering her rusty Geo Metro down the road . But they just don 't think like we do . Some of them don 't seem to think at all . As best I can tell , the entire impetus for the early space program was the Cold War . They only funneled money into NASA in order to make sure they stayed ahead of the ' Evil Empire . ' It was a repeat of five hundred years ago , when Spain and Portugal were racing to get their chunks of the new continents . I 'm going to browse through some books on psychology when I find a decent library , she mentioned , as she swerved slightly to miss a tortoise in the middle of the highway . There has to be some reasonable explanation for their apparent disinterest in space . Of course , any reasonable species would have had a decent start at terraforming at least Mars by now . A really ambitious one would be halfway finished , and starting on Venus . Sandra heard a metallic scraping sound coming from her left rear wheel . She pulled over to the side of the road , and got out . It took several minutes just to clear the clutter out the back of the car and find the jack . The mess was inconvenient , but Sandra was pretending to be a college girl , and the disorganization gave her a feeling of authenticity . Five minutes later , as she fumbled with the heavy jack , a small , rusted pick - up truck pulled up behind her . " You all right , ma ' am ? " a thin blond man leaned his head out the window . " Car trouble ? " " Car trouble , " she responded , a little too obviously . She sized him up . He was decades older than her body , two centuries younger than her mind , and about the age she looked . Which would do . " Would you , please ? I 'd be most grateful . " " Sure . Just don 't complain about the mess . " As he cleared some plastic wrappers and empty soda cans from the passenger 's seat , Sandra grabbed her suitcase and laptop from her car . " By the way , I 'm Nick . " " Sandra . Sandra Keddis . I 'm glad you found me before the coyotes did . " The truck accelerated onto the highway , engine squealing horribly with every turn . " Nah , " he replied , " the prarie dogs are the ones to watch out for . They look harmless enough , but at nightfall , they 'll gang up on you . Twenty of them can bring down a full - grown man . " Sandra gave him an incredulous look , not sure whether to believe him . Nick assumed that the joke had gone badly , and flushed with embarrassment . " Sorry . I tend to ramble . " A strange reaction , Sandra thought . She was suddenly fascinated by these mysterious , fearsome prarie dogs , but Nick obviously wasn 't comfortable talking about them . Perhaps they 'd killed someone close to him , she surmised . Whatever the case , it was better to talk about something else . " So , Nick . What do you do for a living ? " " Nothing much , really . I 'm working on a computer science degree at Berkeley , and I used to wait tables at a couple of different restaurants . So when I get back , I need to find out if I still have a job . Nice laptop , by the way . " " Oh , this thing ? " she said innocently , pointing to the most powerful number - crunching machine on the face of the planet . " I mostly use it for my writing . " She tapped a few keys . " Would you like your nose to be described as ' sharp ' or ' hawkish ? ' " A strange request , she thought , but she tried to comply . " Nick , a man without a nose , " she said as she typed , " drove his rusty pick - up truck with the skill of . . . someone who had driven a truck a lot . " She sighed . " I have no talent for metaphor . What do you think of the space program ? " Nick gave a long sigh . " I was in favor of it for a while , but it seems kind of pointless these days . The shuttle goes up , the astronauts take some pictures for their scrapbook , and two rodents absolutely refuse to have sex . I can 't see what we 're getting out of it . " " Not me , personally . As a species , I guess we should , " Nick considered the possibility . " Haven 't thought about it much , really . Why are you interested in NASA ? " A small collection of dilapidated buildings appeared up ahead . It took a few minutes to find a mechanic 's shop , and another two minutes to find the note saying that the mechanic had stepped out for a bite . Nick decided to stick around . He was in no hurry , and she might need the help . Of course , those might be mere rationalizations to cover the fact that he hadn 't gotten laid in over two years . The mechanic was a large man with a thick red beard named Cliff , and the patch on his overalls advertised the fact . He was a bit surprised to find two college - aged kids sitting on the front steps , engaged in a heated conversation . They didn 't even notice him pull in behind the shop . Cliff interceded . " Y ' kids need anything ? " He cast a lustful eye towards Nick 's pick - up . It was hard for him to imagine that it could still move under its own power . Cliff grunted to himself . " I 'll probably have to tow it back here . Want to hop in the rig ? " Nick was about to suggest that they stay , but Sandra had already scampered into the driver 's side door and started up the engine . " Whoa , whoa , whoa ! Nobody drives Lorraine but me , " Cliff laughed , waving her into the middle seat . Nick jumped in on the other side , and the three took off down the highway . " Oh , about six years now , I reckon . " he shouted back . " I moved back down here after the kids left for college . The youngest is ' bout yer ages now . She an ' her husband are expectin ' . " Cliff 's jaw dropped , and he shot an incredulous glance at his passenger . Sandra could tell she 'd just made another huge blunder . Finally , Cliff let out a loud laugh . " Son , you and her 'd better be sleepin ' in separate rooms till you explain a few things . " He laughed again , and Nick flared crimson . Sandra remembered that it had something to do with sex and procreation . The species ' attitude towards its own reproduction was so hopelessly conflicted that Sandra had given up on trying to understand it . " Where you been fer the last two months ? " Cliff asked . " That new kid , Spellman , is looking to break sixty homers this year , and they 've won fourteen of their last seventeen . " " I was hiking the Appalachian trail . Wasn 't paying attention to the news . Sixty home runs , eh ? " Typical pointless male chatter . How infuriating , Sandra thought . Just wait until I tell you how it got there , Ykras said scandalously . Sometimes it seemed that Ykras should be down here instead of her . He seemed to comprehend their humor in a way that was totally alien to her . But , as badly as she comprehended the culture , she was far better at blending in than an eight foot long insectoid could ever be . Sandra filtered out the sports talk as she typed on her laptop . The President was proposing to slash NASA 's funding by five percent , after a cometary probe got lost prior to rendzevous . Some in Congress were demanding more . How did NASA - bashing get to be politically popular ? she wondered . She read on . One of the recurring themes was that much of NASA 's research had no " practical applications , " and that the agency needed to retool their missions to remedy that fact . Improving satellite telemetry , weather prediction , and whatnot . " Studying your damned navels , " she muttered bitterly . Her companions didn 't hear her over the roar of the diesel . She hadn 't wanted to admit it , but over the last couple of weeks , the evidence had simply piled up . Humanity was doing an Inward Turn , as ConFed 's xenosociologists liked to call it . Most species followed one of two patterns . Either they went quickly from the low planetary orbit stage to widespread colonization of their solar system , or they began turning inward , showing no interest in manned exploration . Earth had been classified as a borderline case . That fact alone was enough to warrant this ConFed mission . But now it appeared that the developed nations were becoming very risk - averse , sliding into a planet - wide isolationism . Such behavior was seen by many as evidence of a self - destructive species , which required containment . Long ago , far more drastic measures were often taken , and a vocal minority within ConFed were still arguing that it was best to wipe out isolationist species ' altogether . Sandra 's stomach churned at the thought . " Who needs Kobe Bryant anyways ? " Cliff demanded . " Sure , he 's got talent , but it 's not worth the way he disrupts the team . " Cliff laughed . Sandra wasn 't sure what the WWF was , but instinct told her that she was supposed to be indignant . So she glared at Nick . " C ' mon . It 's not like its a sport . " Sandra still glared . " Okay , okay . Sandra does seem to be fascinated with the space program . What 's your opinion ? " " Probably faked Sputnik , too , " said Nick . " So they could get money for new warheads . Which seems kind of pointless , since they made up the Soviet Union as well . " " Now yer jes ' pullin ' my leg , " Cliff said sullenly . It sounded like his feelings were hurt . Humans didn 't like having their beliefs made fun of , Sandra remembered . It was actually the rule among sentient species . " Don 't worry , Cliff , " she consoled him . " I think you have every right to distrust the government . Nick , please don 't be so mean . " " Listen , kids , " Cliff broke in , " All I know is what I read on my Internet back home . Maybe it 's right , maybe its wrong . It don 't do me no harm neither way . There 's yer car . " Sandra could see her little car up ahead , shimmering in the desert heat . They drove on in silence , punctuated by occasional chatter from Lorraine 's CB radio . It worried her that an able - bodied member of the species could believe that the crowning achievement of their space program was a hoax . But right now , she was more worried about getting her car fixed . Cliff slowed the rig , coming to a stop just ahead of the Metro . He grabbed a hydraulic jack and quickly lifted up the offending wheel , giving it a few experimental spins . Then he pulled off the lugnuts and played with the braking mechanism . He continued disassembling it until , " Aha ! " Cliff said to himself . The casters [ ? ? ? ] that held the ball bearings had broken apart , leaving the tire to roll around on the [ stem ? ] unprotected . It looked like she 'd been driving it that way for quite a while . He 'd need to replace the caster , and possibly the stem . He might even be able to convince them that it needed some brake work . But they were nice kids , so he wasn 't going to screw them . " I 'll have to load ' er on Lorraine , " he said , standing up . Rich parents on the other hand . . . He 'd have to ask . " Look ! " Nick exclaimed . " Prarie dogs ! " He pointed out into the field . [ note to self , find out where prarie dogs live ] Sandra spun around . Sure enough , two or three were poking their heads out of their burrows , staring at the newcomers intently . Nick looked at her incredulously . Then it dawned on him . " Oh , right . The fearsome prarie dogs . They usually don 't attack during daylight hours . Still , you 'd probably be safer back in Lorainne , " he said somberly . " I 'll stay out here with Cliff . " Sandra eased her way around the Metro , and slowly opened the door to the rig . Nick watched her as she went . When she shut the door , he turned and bit his cheeks , pounding his leg with his fist to keep from exploding with laughter . They got back to town , and Cliff unloaded the Metro at his shop . The girl hadn 't expressed any financial concerns , even when he 'd quoted $ 600 to her , so he figured it was safe to throw in some of the " extras " he 'd planned on earlier . So he got on the phone , and ordered some parts from Tucumcari . Sandra went to the payphone and started calling around for hotel rooms . There was nothing nearby . " Same as every night , " he said , throwing a stick . The dog chased after it , clamped down on it with his teeth , and disappeared with it behind the shop . Nick shrugged . " I 'm just unrolling my sleeping bag and sleeping in the back of the truck . Why ? " So that 's how they ended up at Kipsey 's Bar and Grill , where the music was loud and the bikers were louder . The air reeked of cigarette smoke and perfume , and the occasional clacking of pool balls punctuated the air . A group at the other end of the room was celebrating some major milestone by wearing silly hats . Nick liked the place immediately . It was a lot like one of his hangouts back at Berkeley . He scanned the menu , and didn 't see anything marked " vegetarian " or " tofu . " So in some ways , it was better than Berkeley . Sandra was staring goggle - eyed at everything , and Nick wondered if she 'd ever been in a bar before . It didn 't seem possible , but then it didn 't seem possible that anyone could believe his prarie dog yarn . She seemed fiercely intelligent in many ways , but in others . . . Over the course of the evening , Nick sometimes asked questions about her past . Sandra would either deflect them , or say something infuriatingly vague and follow up with , " How about you ? " It became obvious that she didn 't want to say anything about it , which intrigued him . The possibilities ran through his mind . Serial killer ? Arsonist ? Saluditorian on the run from her barely imperfect past ? Escapee from a UFO cult ? What could explain this amazing girl seated across from him ? Just after his third beer , a strange thought struck him . No , impossible . But what if she hadn 't been joking ? " Did you ever figure out what pregnant means ? " he blurted out , then wished he hadn 't . Sandra 's cheeks went red , and her eyes flared . " Of course I know what it means ! " she shouted . The conversations around them ground to a halt for a few uncomfortable seconds . Nick was taken back by the forceful reaction , but its unexpectedness only added to his conviction that she really hadn 't known . " It 's when a woman carries a child in her womb . My god , what planet have you been living on for the last twenty years ? " He watched her face go ashen . She fumbled with her silverware for a few moments , teeth clenched . " I was . . . It was a slip of the . . . " She knocked her drink off the table as she tried to stand up . Nick sat down to the applause of the other barhoppers , cursing himself . He waited a few interminable minutes before following , and paused before he got to the door . He could hear her talking , and peeked around . She sat on the steps , her back to him , with her head between her knees , talking to herself . " What do you mean , ' it didn 't take ' ? " she asked the air . " I don 't care if someone hears . I don 't need to be able to recite the history of the Gregorian Calendar or a list of the original signers of the Magna Carta . But those things sure ' took ' . I need the little stuff . The stuff everyone assumes everyone else already knows . " She sobbed weakly . " I screwed up again , and now he knows , and . . . I have to get out of here . " Another short pause , and then , " Anywhere . " She stood up just as two huge bikers staggered out . She stood up . " Excuse me , " she said , pulling on a leather vest . " Could you take me someplace ? " Nick cringed . He wasn 't a big fan of making other people 's decisions for them , but this was extremely stupid in more ways than he could count . He started out the door . " Sandra ! " he shouted , running after her . The bikers stopped leering at her , and turned to size him up . They didn 't seem very intimidated . " Sandra , don 't do this ! " " I can do whatever I want . It 's a free country , and I can quote your entire U . S . Constitution to prove it ! " She turned , stumbling into one of the bikers . " C ' mon , sexy , " the other biker told her . " We 'll have some fun when we get back to my place . " He cast a threatening look at Nick . " Sandra , I 'm sorry , " Nick pleaded . " If you come back inside , I won 't ask any more questions . I 'll just drop you off at the motel , and you never have to see me again . Just don 't do this . It 's too dangerous . " Sandra softened at this . " Okay , " she said . But the big man had his arm around her stomach . " Let go of me ! " The man only laughed . . . . and doubled over as his groin exploded into pain . Even through the agony , part of his brain was screaming that something impossible had just happened . He heard distant laughter , and when his vision cleared , he saw Sandra standing over him . " You . . . kicked me ? " His mind was very confused . " I 'm no lady , and getting yourself killed won 't prove that I am . " Nick raised his head , and saw the bikers nearly falling off their rides , howling with laughter . He smiled weakly as she helped him up . She waved at the men on the bikes as Nick stumbled forward , groaning in agony . " Why did you do it ? I mean , they were only words , right ? " Nick nodded . " Then why get into a fight you knew you were going to lose ? " " How do you know I would have lost ? I 'm not totally defenseless . I 've watched two . . . no , three Bruce Lee movies in my life . I may have seen one of them twice , in fact . " Sandra sat down next to him . " Okay , okay . Serious answer ? Part of it was that I didn 't want to look weak . Not in front of you . " " I once saw this PBS documentary about Jane Goodall and her gorillas , " Sandra had a thoughtful look on her face . " It fascinated me . They would fight over mates , they would fight over territory , they would fight over grooming . Gorillas fight over everything , don 't they ? " " True . Humans would like to think that they 're so much better than that . We have logic , and reason , and CD players . All the trappings of civilization . But we wear them like a disguise , and when something threatens us on some level beneath that disguise , we respond on the same level . You must not think too highly of us , and I honestly can 't blame you . " Nick took hold of her hand , looking at her eyes . " I don 't know what you are , but I suspect somehow that you 're not . . . At least , you weren 't raised among other humans . It 's the only thing that fits . " " No . But you 've never spent this much time around one person , have you ? " She shook her head . " And you 've never had a beer before , have you ? " She laughed . Come to think of it , she hadn 't , although she 'd spent too much time flitting between libraries to really notice what she was missing . " I thought you said you weren 't going to ask any more questions , " she said , grinning eagerly . She wanted more questions . She had a strange desire to tell him everything . [ Wait a minute ! I 'm writing a romance ? How did THAT happen ? Fine , I 'll run with it . ] So she told him about ConFed , their mission , her memories of being grown in a tube , ConFed 's concern that humanity was going to disengage from the rest of the galaxy , the square root of 11 , 287 , 103 - - which was useless since Nick had no way of checking the answer - - and her frustration with trying to blend in . " Take that pencil , for example . I know that it 's for writing things . But for the life of me , I can 't always remember which end I 'm supposed to use , and it takes me an uncomfortably long time to associate it with ' paper ' . My computer is so much easier to understand . " " Not really . Want to know how I 'm paying for the repairs tomorrow ? " Nick nodded . She punched a few numbers , and six hundred dollar bills slid out of the disk drive . " Matter converter . Speaking of which , I 'm going to need to buy some more disks to feed it . " " Well , we fight a lot . You noticed that . We fight over things that don 't seem tangible . You noticed that , too . But they feel real to us . Our bruised egos can have a life of their own . " " Maybe I just thought you 'd be impressed by my act of chivalry . Stupid idea , I know . But we 've been trying to impress women since before we developed opposable thumbs . Mates have always been treated like a commodity , or a resource , or something . And if you look at the interest of a mate as a resource in itself , then I thought I was fighting over resources . It 's a stupid way of looking at the world , I know , and we 've spent the last century trying to drive that sort of sexism out of our species . " He nodded again , obviously embarrassed . " On the other hand , you did shatter my testicles like maltzo balls . So maybe I 'm not so interested anymore . " " The paramedics said you 're fine . Of course you 're still interested , " she said firmly . " Why do humans play these silly games with sex ? Everyone has a libido , everyone knows everyone else has a libido , but most of you are terrified to admit it , and the rest of you revel in it like it 's the only thing in life . So let 's cut the crap . You 're a great guy , and I want you . " Nick leaned forward , wrapping his arms around Sandra and kissing her forcefully . She reached out and turned out the light . Then , with a quick , forceful thought , she turned off the transmitter . She woke up much later , and fumbled for her watch . 3 : 31 . She grabbed the arm that Nick had draped over her , and gently pushed it away . She threw on some clothes , and snuck out the door . It felt good to be out in the cool desert air , but the bright fluorescent lights from the nearby truckstop irritated her . They were washing the stars out , and she really wanted to see them right now . With a quick thought , she turned on the transmitter . Actually , I 'm still letting it all soak in . But I think I understand them a lot better than I did two days ago . Maybe it 'll be as simple as just insulting them . Give me some time to think on it . Sandra heard a dull clatter from the door behind her . It opened . " I thought maybe they 'd whisked you off , " Nick said . He closed the door and sat down next to her . " We 've considered it , " she said , " but sometimes when you do that , the species just gives up . They expect us to just give them the schematics for an FTL drive . It 's better for you to learn to do it by yourselves . " " The Fleet Commander has , and I have some of his knowledge and memories . Most of it didn 't fit . You have to understand that he 's got a big old brain on him . " Nick squeezed her tighter . " They look a lot like giant prarie dogs , " Sandra said , giving her lover a sharp jab with her elbow . " Nobody lives on stars , and most of the visible ones are blue giants . They burn out in a few million years , before evolution has a chance to kick in . " Two days later , they stood looking over the vast bowl of the Barringer Meteor Crater in Arizona . They had left the car with Cliff in lieu of payment , and had traveled almost non - stop along I - 40 , stopping only for food , bathrooms , and energetic makeout sessions . As they drove , they had run through all sorts of different schemes for spurring humanity to action , but all of them had at least a dozen major flaws . So they were feeling rather dejected as their overly perky tour guide led them around the north rim . " Don 't care much , " she responded dully . She stared out over the railing . [ I wonder if there 's a railing . . . ] " This thing probably killed everything within forty miles . Why aren 't we trying harder to catalogue these objects ? " " It 's good to hear you using ' we ' like that , " Nick squeezed her hand . " I think once the first one hits , we 'll start looking harder . Of course , your spaceships have probably found everything in the solar system bigger than my fist , and have extrapolated the motions out for a good thousand years . " " All the more reason to do it , " Nick reminded her . " What fun is there in doing it if there 's nobody to say ' Bad Sandra ! Bad ! ' " " Why ? " Nick asked , jumping to the other side of the railing , " Because that makes it more fun ! You 're not just doing what you want , you 're doing it while telling all the clueless rulemakers to go stuff themselves ! " His voice was getting louder , and starting to attract the notice of the other dozen tourists . " You 're asserting your independence ! No man owns me ! No man chooses my path ! I am free to live my own life , to choose my own course ! Live free or die ! " A week later , the aliens broke radio silence , and made radio contact with the leaders of the Earth . They were informed of the fleet 's intention to land , and that they had a very important message to deliver to Earth 's inhabitants . The news exploded across the planet , causing newspapers to print " WE ARE NOT ALONE " in very large type , and pre - empting " Who Wants to be a Millionaire ? " The ambassadors behaved as predictably as possible , even going so far as to land on the White House lawn . " It 's tradition , " Ykras had to explain to the Fleet Commander . Of course , they 'd just alienated every other nation on the planet . But they weren 't there to make friends . The news even reached the depths of the Grand Canyon , where Nick and Sandra were camping . They were just about to fold up the tents and head off on a hike , when they heard a loud female voice screaming in the next camp over . She was fixated on her portable television , and screaming for everyone to come quickly . Nick stared at the box . " Shades of Orson Welles , " he muttered . He looked at Sandra , who only shrugged innocently . About a dozen more campers joined the huddle . A woman held a small baby protectively , while trying to hush the older brother . Two older couples whispered to each other . The woman with the TV turned the volume all the way up just as the President was finishing her speech . A large insect - like creature , covered in protective chitinous armor , and wearing a strange breathing apparatus over its overlarge head , approached the podium . Sandra laughed out loud when she saw the " translator " the Fleet Commander carried . It had a wide assortment of lights , diodes , and spinning dials , which most likely did absolutely nothing . Ykras had been a dedicated fan of early science fiction movies . The mother of the two children shushed at Sandra . Everyone fell silent as the Fleet Commander commenced his speech . " Greetings , people of the planet Earth . I am Xuraxnos the Twenty - Fourth , commander over the Ninth Science Fleet . My crew and I are members of the Confederation of Allied Planets . The constituent planets of the Confederation span twenty - thousand light - years , and its origins are lost to the depths of time . " " We have watched you from the beginning . Our first probes entered this system over eighty thousand years ago . They discovered a few primates with sufficient brains that , it was presumed , could eventually master the technologies needed to ascend to the stars and join us in our great Confederation . So we waited . And we waited . And we waited . " " We waited as you discovered fire . We waited as the Egyptians , then the Greeks , and then the Romans rose and fell . We waited through the Chinese dynasties . We waited through your Dark Ages . We waited through the recent explosion of your technological prowess . When your race first set foot on the moon , we cheered alongside you . We believed that , after your many stumbles and mistakes , you would finally begin to rise above your petty arguments and seize your future . " Since then , we have been sadly disappointed . You have played within the confines of low Earth orbit . You have launched a few tentative probes , and squandered precious opportunities which , once lost , can never be regained . ' MENE , MENE , TEKEL UPHARSIN : You have been weighed in the balance , and are found wanting . ' Your species has been judged too timid to be proper caretakers of your own solar system , much less citizens of the galaxy . " " From this day forth , by the order of the Confederation of Allied Planets , nothing is to ascend beyond the confines of Earth 's atmosphere . A fleet has been dispatched , and will arrive in your system in approximately one hundred years to enforce your confinement . Until then , we expect your full compliance with our directive . " " We now return you to your regularly scheduled syndicated programming . " Standing tall on four of his legs , the Fleet Commander made his way down the center aisle , past the stunned journalists and security guards . Then the booing began . It quickly increased in intensity as the audience finally comprehended the full implications of the speech . Someone in the crowd behind the security forces threw a half - finished soda can , hitting the Fleet Commander 's torso . Others followed , and soon much larger objects were being thrown . Xuraxnos broke into a skittering run , and quickly closed the distance to his ship . After a few seconds , a high - pitched whine could be heard from the ship . It took of quickly , with a hundred projectiles following futilely in its wake . Back in Arizona , Sandra laughed . " This is how all great revolutions begin , " she exulted . The woman with the TV glared angrily at her , then returned to the TV . " Damned bugs aren 't gonna push us around , " she fumed . " It 's our galaxy too . " Nick had to grin . Prior to this , the woman had probably never given space exploration more than a passing thought . They watched the tiny screen as the President approached the microphone . She appeared visibly upset . " My fellow Americans , " she said into the microphone , hands clenched to the podium , " and fellow members of the human race , this will not go unanswered . If thousands of years of human history has taught us anything , it is that we cannot tolerate enslavement . We shall not be controlled . We shall not be ordered . We shall not have our destiny chosen for us . Whatever form our future struggle may take , know that it is a struggle for our survival , and our freedom . " As she left the podium , the crowd erupted in a deafening cheer . That night , the starry sky was often broken by flaming satellites as they were blown out of the sky by the departing fleet . Nick watched the pyrotechnics , awestruck . " Was all this really necessary ? " he asked . " We depend on those satellites . " " Just listen to the radio . It worked . Trust me , you 're going to be amazed at how quickly you start making progress . You 'll be to Alpha Centauri before the supposed deadline passes . " " I hope you 're right , " Nick said , yawning . Another satellite plunged into the atmosphere , emitting a bright purple trail of light . " So , will you be leaving ? " " No . Earth is my home . I can 't imagine being anywhere else . Besides , there are some particularly treacherous quantum mechanical equations looming over the horizon , and somebody needs to give those dullard scientists a little hint now and then . " " I could never leave you . You are my cherished plaything . " She rolled over on top of him , kissing his neck and giggling . He embraced her . A sonic boom shook the ground . They both giggled again . |
I mean , these things are beautiful . They must have 20 of them , all bigger than one of my forepaws . All pink and pretty , and surely very juicy . They have to be for me . Right ? Right ? ? ? Something unusual . The People stayed home all day yesterday . That never happens ; someone always disappears for a little while , but they were there all day yesterday , and spent a decent amount of time entertaining me . And food ! The Woman cooked for me again , just like she did about a month ago . They started early in the morning ( well , early for them , it was kind of late for me . ) The Woman got up and fed me ( perfectly stinky stuff , very gratifying ) and read the paper for a little while , and then the Man came home from where ever it is he goes most days and some nights . Once he was there the Younger Humans came downstairs and they started digging around in these freakishly huge socks that have been hanging on the wall - the dang things were stuffed with goodies , even new toys for me . While they did that the Woman had stuff in the oven for their breakfast - of which I got nothing , and it smelled pretty good , too . Then the fun started . They 've had all these shiny boxes under the tree I am not allowed to climb for a couple of weeks now . It was pretty and all , but they were getting in my way … well , yesterday morning they started handing the shiny boxes to each other and ripped the coverings off . That was wicked awesome - they balled up the coverings and threw them across the room for me , so I could chase them and leap over the chairs and stuff . And then there were boxes ! Most of them were too small for me to climb in , but I at least gave it a shot . At one point I think they had six boxes on the floor for me . The last box was really big ; the Younger Human , the one with all the hair all over his head and face , opened it up and took its innards out for me , and that was a blast to climb in . It was still had some balled up newspaper in it , all the better to dig around in . It was quiet for a while after that , but then the aroma started settling in the air . She was doing it , she was making me another turkey ! And those slimy noodles ! Really , the only thing missing was something fishy , but I 've heard her say she doesn 't " do " fish . Phfft . I like her , but she does have a serious personality defect . Who doesn 't want fish ? ? ? It was a busy day all around , what with all the paper and boxes I had to play with , and later on the hairy Younger One and his Better Smelling Friend helped me play with my new toys . I was so tired I forgot to get up at 3 : 30 this morning to sing to them . I think I slept in until almost 8 o ' clock , and the Woman was very happy to see me jump up on the bed to remind her I needed breakfast . I mean , she actually got out of bed and went downstairs to get me food before she made her bed or changed her clothes . That , like , never happens . They 're screwing with my mind . A few days ago they leave - at night - and come back hours later with two people . I wasn 't too sure about them at first , but I realized underneath all that hair that one of them was the Younger Human . The one who first brought me home . I recognized his smell , but I didn 't recognize the other person . I 'll tell you what , she smells better than he does , that 's for sure . These younger people , they know how to treat me . He plays with me the right way - he knows how to swing my toy through the air so I can jump up to attack it ( nothing personal to my Other People , but chasing things along the floor is , well , boring . ) And she doesn 't grab me and hold me in her lap when I don 't want to be held . She lets me sniff her hand and decide if I 'm in the mood to be petted . And what 's with the white stuff falling out of the sky and covering the ground ? It 's kind of pretty , but it sure didn 't make the Woman very happy . In fact , she even said a few choice words about it , grumbling a whole heck of a lot until she peeked out the window . Someone , she says , shoveled the driveway for her . Whatever the hell that means . But it made her happy , happy enough that she sat down to watch TV and let me stretch out across her lap for a long nap . Can you believe it ! They brought a tree into the house ! It 's fricking huge , too , going all the way up to the ceiling . It 's like my own personal wet dream . A tree of my own ! What I don 't get is why they put all these shiny things on it . They 're fun to play with ( even though I get yelled at ) but the tree would have been awesome without them . The Man put lots of bright lights on it , and the Woman put the shiny dangling things … I had loads of fun playing last night while they were asleep ( a good time to play , because they can 't yell at you then . ) You are never going to believe it . I mean , I still don 't . After all the crap this week , all the noise and strange people and getting locked in the bathroom for hours on end , what happens ? Really , what did I do that was so awful ? Why am I being punished every single day ? I 'm sweet , I 'm personable , and I 'm pretty . Why am I being treated so horribly ? ? ? They locked me in the bathroom ! Not once , not twice , but just about every freaking day this week . I didn 't do anything wrong ; I was just minding my own business , curled up on the chair , when the Woman grabbed me and shoved me into the little downstairs bathroom . And she obviously had been planning on this , as there was food and water and a bed already waiting for me in there . But why ? I didn 't poop on her pillow . I didn 't bring some dead thing into her bed . I bit her , sure , but only on the top of her head , and only by accident ( I was licking her hair , it smelled really good , and I just wanted to see if it also tasted good . ) I didn 't mean for it to hurt . The food and the bed are still in the bathroom . Not a good sign . I need to hide for the rest of the day , just in case … Yesterday was a very good day . It was like the People finally get it ! The Woman spent hours preparing a perfectly wonderful meal , just for me . It damn near drove me nuts , having to be patient and wait through all the smells drifting through the air , and then while the People taste tested everything to make sure it was perfect . Once they were satisfied that the meal was up to par , they both cut up the meat into bite size pieces for me , and even added these slimy ( but very tasty ) noodles to my plate . And today ! There was more ! Again they tasted it first to make sure it was good enough ( though I don 't know why - it 's not as if it changed from yesterday ) ; while they ate I stood on my perch and stared at the Man , aiming my thoughts at his head ( and worried that his skull might be a tad too dense ) , mentally chanting " mine , mine , mine . " Again , it was very tasty . They also ate this orangey - looking thing that smelled like it was something I would want , but neither offered any to me . That was okay - this time . I was quite stuffed from the turkey and noodles . How 's this for unfair ? The Bipeds cooked this dinner last night that smelled like it should be mine . Very meaty , the aroma was all over the house . But did I get any ? I don 't know what onions are and I don 't care , but goddammit if you 're going to cook something that smells like that , you better give me some . I mean it . Next time , you better give me some , or I really am going to poop on your pillow . She thinks she 's spoiling me . She insinuated it in a sacarcastic sort of way , in any case . I was sitting on the ottoman , waiting ( patiently , I might add , no matter what she thinks about the 15 times I tried to crawl into her lap , stick my head up her pants legs , and head butt her thigh ) for her to get up and go into the other room - - it was time , after all ; I always get to sleep in the chair after the news is over - - when she did actually did stand up and then lifted me from where I was at to the seat she had so considerately warmed for me . Hey , I 'm not stupid . I know a snotty rhetorical question when I hear one . It 's right up there with " Are you hungry ? " first thing in the morning . Hey , lady , how about a nice " Well , duh ! " My People were up very , very early today ; it wasn 't terribly early for the Man , but it was Way Too Early for the Woman . And no matter what they tell you , it wasn 't my fault . I kept my mouth shut this morning , I didn 't sing for them , and I didn 't stand in the middle of her chest trying to smell the inside of her nose ( though I really would like to , as it smells especially obnoxious today . ) No , they were up , I think , because there was no electricity . The Woman can 't sleep without a fan going , and this thing in the hallway kept chirping . It was loud , annoying , and hurt my ears . You know , I try to be helpful . As annoying as humans are , they feed me ( and yeah , as hard as it is to admit , they feed me well ) , and change the litterbox with acceptable frequency . So I try to do my bit , but do they appreciate it in return ? Take this morning . The Man gets up early most mornings and wanders off for the better part of the day . I know he hates it when the alarm clock goes off , so I try to get up the stairs a little before that happens , and I sing for my people . It 's better to wake to music , isn 't it ? Well , I tried . I had my chance this morning to get even with the Man for taking me outside , but it didn 't quite work . I had him on the stairs at 4 : 30 in the morning , and wound between his legs , even stood on my back legs and pawed at him , but he kept his balance . I was nicer to the Woman ; she was still sleeping when my stomach started growling , so I just jumped up on the bed and waited , patiently , curled up on her back . It didn 't take long , and she was duly grateful for the extra few minutes of snoozing . She didn 't take too long getting down the stairs and fed me right off the bat . She did scowl at me later - the Man phoned home and tattled on me , told her I 'd tried to kill him on the stairs . Phfft . If I 'd really wanted him dead … She reminded me that he 's the one who pays for my food , especially the Good Stuff . Well , fine . I won 't try to kill him , but I 'm not going to curl up and kiss his a $ $ , either . At some point he 'll figure out that feeding me is his honor . He took me outside ! The Man picked me up and took me out the front door , where he ( with the help of the Woman , I 'll remember that ) allowed one of those sticky little people to come up to me . While he held me tight he told the kid that he could touch me ! Holy freaking overflowing litterbox ! We used to have a dog . He was there when the Younger Human ( where the hell did he go , anyway ? ) brought me home ; I admit , at first I was terrified of him , but he made it clear right from the bat that he didn 't intend to turn me into kitty cacciatore , so we kept our separate peace . He fulfilled his position of being the family gas bag , and since they were so absorbed in the vast quantities of fur he shed all over the place , they rarely noticed how much I was leaving on their clothes and furniture . He left me alone , so all in all he was alright for a dog . No , cats and dogs don 't always hate each other . We can co - exist , and I understand that my feline predecessor treated the dog as if he was her own child . A little weird , but whatever . I could point out that she has her species a little mixed up , but I won 't ; she did seem genuinely sad and in need of something . I can never be sure what ' something ' it is that humans need , but they seem to enjoy it if I spend a few minutes on their laps , so I abandoned the bath and jumped up in her lap and did the cute thing - you know , standing up on my back legs and rubbing my face against hers . It 's demeaning , but what the hell , it does seem to make her happy . You know , in spite of what the People say , I 'm not really a wuss . Yes , I enjoy lying in on my special window seats and staring at everything going on outside , but that doesn 't mean I want to go outside . Why would I ? There are sticky little people outside , little creatures who would pull my tail and grab at my fur , while shrieking and screaming , and I have no desire to be that close to them . There are also DOGS out there . I see them - the dog across the street , that white furry thing everyone calls " Lucky . " You might think he 's trained and well behaved , but if I put a shock collar on you , you 'd do whatever I wanted , too . And face it , shock collar or not , if he wanted to take a bite out of me , he would . And I 've seen those birds . Those suckers are huge . We 're not talking dainty little sparrows here , we 're talking football sized crows . You have to respect a bird that could lift up one of those small sticky people and carry it off . They outweigh me . I see the odds . But that doesn 't mean I 'm a wuss , or chicken , or a ' fraidy cat . It means I have brain , for Pete 's sake . Inside I have food almost on demand , several warm beds , several window seats , two laps to choose from , and a litter box that 's cleaned on an almost regular basis . Why would I want to go out there when I have all this in here ? Take a golf ball , or some other hard rolling object , and carry it to the topmost stair . Set it down , and push it over the edge . Listen as it loudly bounces down the stairsthunk - thunk - thunk - thunk and then a nice whirrrrrr as it rolls across the floor at the bottom . People have odd traditions . You 'd never find a bunch of cats throwing costumes on and going door to door , begging for treats they 're normally not allowed to have . It was sad , really , to see all these small humans posturing their imagined cuteness for candy that neither smells bad enough to be good nor reeks enough to get them high . Take tonight , for instance . My people were sitting outside with the neighbors and their small , sticky male offspring . I was hungry - it was only half an hour until dinner time , and my stomach was rumbling loudly - so every time one of them came into the house for one thing or another , I hollered at them . Something interesting : my entire nose fits into just one of the Woman 's nostrils . She gets all pissy on me when I do this , but what does she realistically expect ? I mean , come on ! Something up there smells like it buried itself in deep and died . It 's putrid , foul , and disgusting smelling . I love it ! It 's not like I bother her every ten minutes for catch a whiff . Out of common courtesy I wait until she 's asleep . I creep very carefully onto her sleeping body , sit gently , and jam my nose up the closest nostril as far - and as delicately as I can . It 's not as is I 'm trying to wake her up . It 's not my fault if she a ) sleeps too lightly , and b ) has this thing about me standing on her boobs . Look , lady , you paid someone to cut my nuts off . No , I don 't love you . Besides , if you really loved me , you wouldn 't get so bent out of shape when I stand outside the bedroom door at 3 a . m . to sing . I have a good voice - you should sit up , listen , and appreciate the gift of my musical talent . Oh , and tell the Man that if he ever locks me in the bathroom again , I 'm going to poop on his pillow . Newsflash , Lady : Yes , you do look like a bed , and yes , those do look like pillows . I don 't care if your nipples invert ; they 're comfortable , and while you are sleeping , I am going to curl up on you and set my head on one of them . You might as well get used to that . In what word is it acceptable to come home an hour and fifteen minutes late when you have a hungry feline waiting for you ? Okay , so it was really only fifteen minutes late , but I 'm still extremely annoyed about this time change . Yeah , sure , the bipeds always leave dry food out , but they knowthat 's not what I want . And what 's with this " No , you can 't sit on my lap right now ? " bull ? I don 't care if you have to pee . Hold it and let me have my throne . Ok , let 's start with today 's " time change . " I don 't care what the people say , it was a BAD IDEA . Sure , their fancy little timepieces might have said 8 a . m . , but my stomach said it was 9 a . m . and that 's the latest I should be forced to wait for food . I 'm not a bad cat . Most mornings I wait patiently for the Woman to drag herself out of bed before I begin my daily reminders that I haven 't been fed since the night before and I am starving to death . This time change is an egregious error . I was not about to wait until one of those bipeds decided they 'd had enough rest . I was hungry , dammit , so of course I started calling out to them . Gently at first , of course . But when they were still wrapped up in those blankets when my stomach was growling so hard it hurt , I let them have it . Yes , I howled my head off , until the Man finally got up . Look , people , get a clue . We don 't love you . We love your opposable thumbs . Accept that and we 'll get along much better . I am Max , a feline currently being held hostage by humans who think they own me . When they 're otherwise occupied , watching their inane squawk box of stuffing their faces , I will overtake the computer and tell the world what I really think . Newer Posts |
Back ChaptersStory Index1 . Let 's Start at the Beginning2 . I Remember When3 . Straight - Laced4 . Wants , Needs , and Escapes5 . A Plan of Action6 . Rings of Smoke7 . At the Shop8 . A Little Competition9 . Wrong about Ryan10 . The Hazy Future11 . The Proposal12 . We Should get a Puppy13 . Unexpected14 . One of the Good Guys15 . The Hospital16 . He Taught Me Everything I Know17 . Who I was Born to Be18 . Textbook Weasley Reaction19 . Black Mold20 . Kick21 . As it Should22 . Thanks . Or Whatever . 23 . Thursday24 . Fairy Tales25 . Valentine 's Day26 . Not Alone27 . The Dragon 's Nest28 . The Nursery 29 . Trust30 . The Court Case 31 . The Hogsmeade Branch32 . Better Off 33 . Delusions of Grandeur34 . Rebound35 . Chicken and Waffles36 . Opening Day37 . A Worthy Name38 . Prepared39 . A Better Brother than Roxanne40 . On the Prowl41 . Star Chaser42 . The Quidditch Final43 . The Next Step Next Hormones by Mistress It was hard to keep track of everything . James was the one who discovered me , fallen off of Zonko 's body , blood covering my arms and hands . Some splattered onto my face . My heart was hammering and I wondered if I might be having a panic attack . My mind flew to my own father , throwing things in a rage around his study . Mum turning up the Christmas music to drown it out . James leaned down , checking Zonko 's vitals . He was out cold , but still very much alive . He frowned and looked at me . " We have to get him to the hospital . You messed him up , mate . " I 'd never seen him look so sober . He didn 't ask for an explanation . Instead , we worked together to clean him up and get him to the hospital wing by taking some lesser - known corridors . He was placed onto a clean , white bed and my jaw tightened . I watched him . I didn 't know what to say . James asked what had happened once we were on our way back upstairs , but I couldn 't find the words to describe how hard I had hit him because what he said stung . It triggered something in me I didn 't know I was capable of . It was in my blood and rose to my brain and hands and eyes . He didn 't ask any more questions and we spent the rest of the night finishing up our packing and telling jokes . They were hollow , but they made us laugh . Mox even chimed in about Gemma . Chopper , as usual , said nothing and grunted at our comparison of Parise to the Prime Minister . " Weasley . " Parise stuck his head in the door . His hair was messy , the work likely done by a girl . " Head Girl wants to see you in the office . " " And she sent you , why ? " I asked . " Or let me guess , were you planning on trying out to be a Prefect ? Good on you . Theft is a good way to the top . " I smirked and pulled on a jacket since the corridors tended to be drafty . " I know , " I said . It was true . Andrew Parise was dangerous and he knew what steps he was taking to get placed on the Quidditch team . But stealing Annie wasn 't enough to unhinge me , especially since my revelation about our relationship . That needed to stay on the backburner until the holiday . I had to concentrate on getting home and keeping Ryan 's reputation sound in the process . Molly was waiting in the Prefect office , alone . She was perched on the end of the desk , one leg crossed over the other , and tapping a quill . Once the door was closed , she motioned me to sit . " I 've been informed that Gregory Zonko was injured today , " she said , a few muscles in her face twitching from trying her hardest to remain calm . " I have also been informed that a Gryffindor is at fault for these vulgar actions . A Gryffindor Prefect . Would you care to enlighten me as to why a Prefect who is in the most chivalrous house would dare tackle and beat a twelve - year - old into unconsciousness ? " It took me a while to say anything . When put like that , I might as well be headed to Azkaban for a tour of the cells . I could always deny it , of course , but that got messy . Lying was messy and I didn 't care for it . I was already keeping enough secrets with Ryan on my plate . This was an entirely different beast . " He 's a little shit , " Molly said and I jumped . " But that was exactly what he was trying to get out of you , don 't you realize ? Freddie , you just beat the shit out of him on the front steps of Hogwarts . You just made our family seem unhinged and absurd . Don 't think I don 't know about the court process . Uncle George goes back next week and you 'd better believe Zonko is going to be sitting front row center with all those sodding bruises while his grandparents tell them all about what a raving lunatic you and your father are . " I wanted to yell and tell Molly what Zonko had said about me - about Uncle Fred . But I couldn 't because it didn 't matter . She was right . No matter what had come out of his mouth , the evidence was left . I 'd left it . I 'd fallen right into his trap . " I know he 's impossible , but he is also manipulative and horrific , " Molly said , keeping her voice down . " I 've been hearing rumors about this kid and they aren 't good . This isn 't just schoolyard bullying . This is real life . This is your future he is messing with and you 're giving him all the tools to take you down . " " First two weeks of second term , " she said . " It 's protocol , I 'm sorry . I can 't show favorites even though I 'm sure whatever came out of his mouth was nothing short of insane . I 'll have one of the sixth years step in for your walks . It 's only two weeks . It 'll give you a chance to get that Transfiguration mark up , hmm ? " I narrowed my eyes . " Molly . Come on . You can 't suspend me . Zonko is the one who attacked Davies on our walks . What if something happens ? " " We 'll handle it , " she replied seriously . " It 's standard protocol . Get your head back together over break and figure yourself out . Something 's been different with you and it certainly isn 't that breakup with Annie . So go home and sort yourself out and I 'll see you for Christmas , yeah ? " I nodded . " Sure . Thanks , Mols . " I ruffled her hair , for which she scowled at me , and left . I headed back upstairs and finished packing in silence . I didn 't say anything about what she 'd said because Parise was gleefully packing his trunk . James kept casting me sideways looks . On my way to the library to check out a book before break , Annie was in the common room . She was eating a bowl of strawberry ice cream . I wondered if it was her favorite . She shouted my name and stood up as if she wanted to talk over what had happened , but after that day , I wasn 't in the mood . I ignored her and left out the portrait hole . Maybe I was a coward . Maybe I shouldn 't be a Gryffindor . Maybe I was easily provoked and scared and overwhelmed . But damn it , I wasn 't going to fall apart . Not yet . Mum gave me that look . The one where she knew I was keeping something from her and forcing Dad to keep something from her and she did not like it at all . That was the way Mum was . Saw right through me , even if she didn 't know what she was seeing . Rox used to be like that too . Until Scorpius ugh Malfoy came onto the scene and then getting Rox to so much as look at me , nevermind see through me , was its own challenge . Mum had red velvet cake ready at home and I ate a piece . And then another because of her genius baking skills . I really needed to see if I inherited that or not . That could be a good lady charming skill . It was nice to be back . I loved my place at school ( okay , still working on the grandma images ) but this place didn 't have Andrew Parise looking giddy . It didn 't have Mox thinking he saw a really large bug and would you kill it , James ? It didn 't have Chopper sharpening knives in the corner . This place was only mine . It wasn 't a big room , but everything fit comfortably with the walls lined with Quidditch posters and shop posters and signs from our product launches . I even had a door sign from the opening of the shop back long before I was thought of . Dad didn 't like looking at that one , but I refused to take it down . It was a piece of my history . My room was the same rich purple of the shop . It calmed me . Made it easier to think . There was a big desk in the corner covered in papers . Documents . Ideas . Scribbles . Dad laughed and said Uncle Fred used to do that . That he - Dad - was the organized one and had things in binders while Uncle Fred threw them around and watched them come together with ease . " Your kindness never ceases to amaze me , " I mumbled and tossed the book onto the bedside stand . " Is that what you came in here to tell me ? I look like shit ? I could have owled James for that advice . " " I 'm going to squeeze it out of him one of these days , " Dad said . " I don 't like keeping secrets . Especially from my wife . " He narrowed his eyes . " What d ' you want me to do then ? " I asked . " Wait until she 's baking another cake and saunter in there like a good son and tell her I 've knocked up a girl ? One I don 't even fancy ? One who is just downright mean and crude and the hormones are making her into a bloody nightmare … well , other than when she tries to be nice … which is NOT that often … except when Annie broke up with me , then she was sort of nice . And in the hospital she wasn 't a terror . But other than that ! " Dad took a breath , taking in the information . " Start talking . I don 't live in your head or in that pigsty of a dormitory , so before I start saying things like - oh , how is the lovely Annie - how about you tell me what 's going on ? " I didn 't want to . I didn 't want to relive everything , but I did anyway . This was my dad . My best mate . Other than Frames because that was serious business . " So the entire school just turns and looks at her ? " Dad said , when I 'd gotten to the feast the previous day . " Like a herd of wild bloody dogs ? " " It 's the kind of things in bad teen movies , " I said . " It was horrible . And I had to just stand there and watch . I felt like shit . I should have just told them off . Or hit a few of them . I don 't know what I should have done , but standing there and watching her suffer isn 't something I should have done . " " Shut it . " I shoved him , nearly sending him over the side of the bed . " I think Rox knows something , since she was up there when Ryan was unconscious . She 's probably already put the pieces together since Ryan was outed . Why I was so worried . But she hasn 't said anything . Not that she will . " " Not so much . " I shook my head and moved my gaze up to the stick - in stars plastered to the ceiling . As the sun went down , they were beginning to glow green . " I don 't have high hopes . But I can 't worry about that . I don 't know where Ryan lives . I don 't even know if she made it home safely . What if something happened ? What if she went and offed someone because she was so mad and now she 's a criminal on the run ? " Dad 's demeanor changed quickly . He shook his head , an invisible wall sliding into place between us . " No , of course not . You 're on holiday . Go have fun with your little friends and no more shagging girls in bathrooms because , Freddo , it 's not good for your social skills . " He ruffled my hair with a smile that didn 't reach his eyes . " Go to bed . You 're helping me stock the shelves in the morning so I don 't have to pay someone . " After he left , I laid awake for hours . Everything rushed through my mind like a line of storms . I had to find a way to deal with this . A way to get ahead of the chaos so I didn 't explode . The weight was too much and I needed a plan . " Shut it . I 'm tutoring today and it 's with a new student . " He grinned like an idiot . " Also Ollie told me you ignored Annie . Are you ignoring her now ? " I groaned . " Sorry . After being put on Prefect suspension and watching Parise trot around the dormitory , I didn 't trust myself to have a civil conversation with her . Can you blame me ? " " Of course not . Just wanted to ask and get the facts . " James shrugged . " Ollie 's on holiday anyway . She went away with Annie to the Caribbean for a week . " " You boys are restocking this aisle today , " Dad said , motioning to all of the flavor - changing and trick items . " We 're redoing it after a marketing survey . Here 's the plans . " He shoved a few pieces of paper into James ' hands . " Get to work . And watch the front counter . I have to finish payroll and have a nap . " We watched the counter while we rearranged everything , pulling merchandise onto the floor and redoing it according to the paper . Only one or two people showed up looking for specific things . For the first day of break , business was slow and we noticed . " Gemma already suspects me , " I said . " I owled Ryan last night and haven 't received a response . I 'm worried about her . She left right after the feast . I need to know if she 's okay . " " She probably just went home . Do I really have to owl French ? She 's going to think it 's me that knocked up Davies and then owl Ollie in the Caribbean to tell her and then Ollie is going to come back and throw a drink in my face that secretly has poison to burn my eyeballs out . Do you understand how wrong this could go ? " " Freddo ! " Uncle Harry cried , waving . " Thought I 'd find you here today . Your dad has you working too much . It 's break ! " " James ? " I looked up , watching Uncle Harry to see signs of if he knew something or not . " Last I heard he 'd gone to tutor someone . Third year ? Can 't remember . Why ? Has he gone missing ? " " Just wondering . " He shrugged . " I saw his marks from this term . I don 't think he should be paid to tutor anyone . " He laughed a bit . " What were you after ? " I asked , tossing some boxes on the shelves and heading up to the register . I glanced down the aisle , but didn 't see James . Maybe his letter to Gemma was also expressing his newfound love of the French , but I doubted it . " I 'll meet you outside , Al . I 'm going to grab one more thing . A surprise . " Uncle Harry waited for his middle son to disappear outside before he turned and looked at me seriously . " Listen , Fred . Molly had to file a report on what happened . Reports end up in a lower - level Ministry department for record - keeping . Whenever a specific last name pops up , I get notified . " He wiggled his brows . " So I know what happened . You need to tell George before he finds out the hard way . You shouldn 't keep things like that from your father . " I looked at him , stunned . " You don 't understand , " I whispered . " This will crush him . He 's taking on too much as is . " " And you don 't think this will mysteriously surface ? " he asked . " I 've worked in the Ministry long enough and before that any time I tried to keep a secret it came back to bite me . Just trust me . Tell him or he 'll find out you lied to him . " " Lied to me about what ? " Dad asked from the aisle . I didn 't know how long he 'd been standing there . " Freddo , what 's going on ? " " Lied about me knocking up Ollie ! " James cried from behind him . " Man , glad that 's out in the open now . We 're naming it after you , Uncle George . Aren 't you thrilled ? And if it 's a girl … uh … Georgina . " " He knows , " I said , shaking my head . " James already knows everything . And apparently Uncle Harry knows far more than he should . Maybe if someone named James would just come clean he 'd have other things to focus on than my suspension . " I took a long breath and Dad approached the counter . I liked that there was a register between us , as I didn 't know how he would react . James promptly returned to restocking the shelves so he could overhear everything , the git . " Gregory Zonko is trying to make sure we don 't get the Hogsmeade branch , " I said , remaining calm . " He has threatened me , was the reason I was taken out in Quidditch , and is also the reason Ryan was in the hospital once . He is the one who outed Ryan to the entire school and after he made some very colorful comments about my family , is the one who spent the night in the hospital wing this week . He is also the reason I have a two - week Prefect suspension . " " He has a mouth on him ! " I said . " I snapped . I 'm sorry , okay ? I gave you the quick version . He 's been tormenting me for ages and he is willing to do anything . I snapped . I shouldn 't 've and I know that now . But … I did it . " Dad ran his fingers through his ginger hair and it flopped back into place . " Fred . You understand how wrong that was . How in danger this puts the court case . " " I understand snapping . I 've done it many times . Many , many times , especially in Hogwarts , but this puts a lot at risk for you and our family . " His fingers brushed across the counter . " Why would you not tell me ? " " No , " I said , shaking my head again . " I 'm not ashamed of what I did . He deserved more than what he got for what he 's done to everyone , especially Ryan . But I knew you 'd be disappointed . " " Maybe you should be ashamed , " Dad said softly . " There is nothing gentlemanly about beating up a twelve - year - old because of his lip . You played into his hand and for that , you should be ashamed . And you should feel like a fool . " He looked over his shoulder at James . " I have to go re - prepare for the court case Tuesday so that maybe I can salvage something , but don 't get too comfortable with the idea of a Hogsmeade branch , boys . " I worked in the shop over the weekend and through Monday , but didn 't see much of Dad . He kept to the office upstairs ( what used to be Uncle Fred 's bedroom ) , trying to figure out how to best this court case . I heard him muttering about how this was Fred 's forte . How he could think up some crazy loophole to get them through . James came and went as well , secretly rearranging things on shelves that he knew would sell better . And they did . He never said anything , but I watched it happen . He had an amazing knack for business and no one knew . Ryan hadn 't returned my owl from the middle of the night and Gemma hadn 't written to James . I was starting to worry , but distracted myself with the shop . Cleaning . Moving stock . Going through the books while my dad was upstairs . We were in worse shape than I thought . Dad even had to move some of the house money around for the shop . I had a feeling Mum had no idea . Rox came in once or twice to pick up things for her mates . She went upstairs to talk to Dad , got her things , and left before saying so much as one thing to me . But she did look around a little , perhaps for something . Or someone . At least she was always alone . When the day of the court case arrived , Mum agreed with Dad in that I would not be attending . I did a little less than begging , but she held her ground . Dad left in a suit and tie with a briefcase that did not suit him at all . Mum made red velvet cake . " This is something he needs to do on his own , " Mum said , offering the wooden spoon to me to lick . " You have to understand that , Fred . He wants to provide for us . " " Maybe he 's worried you 'll lose your temper and dive over the bench and tackle the little shit , " Mum said , shrugging . She snickered to herself . I assumed she had heard about everything and maybe more from Dad . " Listen , let it go . Just help me with this cake and we 'll hear about it when he gets home . " Mum continued to stare as she mixed the batter . " Don 't let it worry you , Freddie . Your father will figure it out , as he always does . Think about something else , hmm ? Maybe all those other things you and your father are hiding from me . How about those ? " Dad went directly from the fireplace to the study when he arrived home . I heard things smash against the walls and Mum rush downstairs to see what had happened . They yelled for a few minutes , but I couldn 't make out what they were saying from my room . Then things went quiet . Dad was in his study when I walked downstairs the next morning . It was silent . Mum was cooking eggs and pancakes . Rox was at the table reading . " You mean it 's closed ? " I said . The glass was against my lips , but I was still staring . " Why ? We won 't make any money . It 's Christmas holiday . The students are in Diagon Alley . Why would we not be marketing to that ? " Gregory Zonko had shown up , all right . The lawyer had gone on and on about the altercation , showing off photos of Zonko 's injury and saying it was proof of my madness . Saying I was unhinged and a danger to myself and how could I possibly be trusted to run a shop . After that , Dad stood to my defense and had a few of his own tales to tell , but none of it mattered . None of it went the way of physical evidence . Just as I knew it would . Just as Molly and Uncle Harry knew it would . I reread it a few times as Mum and Rox cleaned up the spill . My eyes prickled with anger . This was outrageous and so false . The shop being closed would just fuel the fire . " What did I just say ? " Mum looked up from the closet as she placed the mop back beside the broom and bucket . " Today we 're all staying home . " " To mope ? " I asked . " I 'm not going to sit in here . I 'm not going to spend my holiday sitting in my room feeling sorry for myself . " I rounded on my sister , said temper flaring . " Is it ? " I said . " I gave them a reason . There are a hell of a lot of other reasons this is happening and I 'll be damned if you 're giving me shit after not doing a damn thing to help Dad , the shop , or your family . " " You have no idea who I am , " I said softly . " So don 't point fingers . Go find your brother to whine to . " I turned and walked out of the room , mostly because those words hurt too much and I couldn 't have thought of another retort besides running away . I left the house and Aparated into Hogsmeade . As expected , reports were swarmed around the front doors , each broadcasting and writing lies about why the shop was closed . I took a deep breath . This was my family 's legacy . My legacy and I 'd be damned if some twelve - year - old shit was going to take it away from me . " Good morning ! " I said , wearing my brightest smile . " Sorry I 'm a touch late . I 've been unhinged while eating breakfast . The eggs weren 't scrambled enough . " I smirked and the press laughed . " No matter . This is quite a line for this early . How about some complimentary donut holes while you shop ? " Another laugh and I unlocked the doors and let them in . " I do , " I said , placing the puff on my shoulder . " And I 'm sure it will make little difference . Everyone wants to pick a side , you know ? And everyone takes the tiniest thing and uses it against another side in a massive way . What I did does not reflect on my father or this business . What I did was lose my temper . " I paused , laughing a little as they looked shocked to see I admitted . " I 'm seventeen . I have more hormones than a pregnant woman hearing another pregnant woman tell her she 's fat . " Another laugh . " What I did was react to someone pushing my buttons , which I know I shouldn 't have . He 'd already threatened me and told me he 'd do anything to use it against me in court , so I should have known . I know I should have . " I shook my head and silence fell around me . " I can handle people threatening me and talking about me . I get a little worked up when they say things about my friends . But when they start to talk about my family . My kind , patient mother . My amazing father … I start to lose myself a little . My final straw is when they use my Uncle Fred against me to get a rise out of me . The Uncle Fred who helped build this business and because of the war I was never able to meet , but whom I was named after . So am I sorry I snapped ? Yes . Yes , I am . I will not take back the anger from his remark , though . My family means the world to me and in that , the article was correct . I 'm seventeen and am very obviously not fit to completely run a business . But if we acquire the Hogsmeade branch , I would not be running it . I would be a manager under someone else more fit for leadership and direction until I am mature enough to take on that responsibility . I can only assume Gregory Zonko will take a similar path and I wish him the best of luck and can only hope he does not result to low trickery in order to get ahead . It 's a shame since he comes from such an amazing family . " The members of the press were quiet and a haunted feeling fell over the shop . A few of them were scribbling . Most were using Quick Quotes Quill ( the updated version ) and a few had recording devices floating above . " How much for a puff ? My daughter 's wanted one for ages . " The Prophet reporter picked the puff right off my shoulders and patted it on the head . It was time I took responsibility for my actions , especially when they impacted my family . It was time I stood up to be who I was born to be . A / N : Quick shout - out to magnolia _ magic and shazalupin for nomming " Heroes , " the story based on this one , for Dobby Awards . You are the best ! Things are starting to really pick up in this story . Do you know how I know that ? Because once I wrote chapter 16 , I wrote several in a row . As I write this SN , I 'm writing chapter 27 of this story . A lot is coming up in the next 10 chapters and I 'm thrilled to share it with you ! UP NEXT : Fred runs into Annie , James hears back from Gemma , and Fred does not expect what he finds . Previous Chapter Next Chapter Favorite | Reading List | Currently ReadingBack ChaptersStory Index1 . Let 's Start at the Beginning2 . I Remember When3 . Straight - Laced4 . Wants , Needs , and Escapes5 . A Plan of Action6 . Rings of Smoke7 . At the Shop8 . A Little Competition9 . Wrong about Ryan10 . The Hazy Future11 . The Proposal12 . We Should get a Puppy13 . Unexpected14 . One of the Good Guys15 . The Hospital16 . He Taught Me Everything I Know17 . Who I was Born to Be18 . Textbook Weasley Reaction19 . Black Mold20 . Kick21 . As it Should22 . Thanks . Or Whatever . 23 . Thursday24 . Fairy Tales25 . Valentine 's Day26 . Not Alone27 . The Dragon 's Nest28 . The Nursery 29 . Trust30 . The Court Case 31 . The Hogsmeade Branch32 . Better Off 33 . Delusions of Grandeur34 . Rebound35 . Chicken and Waffles36 . Opening Day37 . A Worthy Name38 . Prepared39 . A Better Brother than Roxanne40 . On the Prowl41 . Star Chaser42 . The Quidditch Final43 . The Next Step Next Write a ReviewHormones : Who I was Born to Be All stories remain the property of their authors and must not be copied in any form without their consent . This is an unofficial , not for profit site , and is in no way connected with J . K . Rowling , Scholastic Books or Bloomsbury Publishing or Warner Bros . It is not endorsed by any of the aforementioned parties . Rights to characters and their images is neither claimed nor implied . The use of photographs and / or the likeness of any person contained herein does not imply endorsement of any kind . Any depictions were obtained through publically available sources and therefore fall under fair use . 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So . . . I got to the bookshop and met these guys - aren 't they lovely ? ? They look terrified for some reason . I was so impressed ! ( here 's a nicer photo - also includes my elbow ) Then I spent some time signing , and some time knitting ( I made about half a new stripy Moonpie cat ) and decided after a while to do less knitting and more signing because - as knitting will do - the place got a bit covered in wool and cups of tea and looked not very much like a signing table and I forgot about the customers for a while and just thought knitting thoughts . Note to self : people don 't expect authours to be knitting when signing . Was a hit with some though , one small girl by the very good name of Aurora demanded I knit a row for her entertainment before she left , as advertised . - I think I perfected my author signature by the end of the day , this is the very last one : don 't try and forge cheques with that one , they 'll think you 've gone strange . My legal signature is just a weird scrawl . . . I think I might do a different one for every book now . I think I 'll return to Crystal Palace soon , when it 's not raining , to look at the stone Dinosaurs and stroll around the other nice shops . OK , just another post to remind people that I 'll be signing books and knitting cats tomorrow midday at Bookseller Crow in Crystal Palace , hooray ! Otherwise - what a brilliant day ! I rushed around a fair bit , to London Bridge to meet my friend Steph , who phoned her local bookseller in Cornwall and booked me a signing straight from the pub ( so : mini seaside holiday afoot for me ) , and then on to lovely Herne Hill , which is ( to my utter surprise ) only a short bus - ride away from my home . Laura located the ideal writing cafe , and we had a Bloody Mary and half a pot of tea each while hacking away at our respective novels . I am so glad I know a good place to go to write and draw now ! Whey - hey , brilliant day : ) It 's almost the end of NaNoWriMo and although I only wrote a fifth of a novel , I think I finished plotting the whole thing more or less last night . I 'm not completely sure in what way it ends ( I know the ending , but no details ) , and at least one character might be dead - I 'll have to actually write the thing to find out . I am pleased with it , and planning to get it done steadily and illustratedly . Now I am looking for a nice place to go and write once or twice a week , some comfy pub in Southwark where they don 't play loud music in the day , preferably , somewhere with nice soft gloomy benches . . . or a cafe with comfy armchairs . . . and where they don 't kick you out if you just drink a pot of tea over two hours . And it needs to be well heated . And serve some sort of food if needs be . I just inserted the first teeth into the mouth of the Morsicant . I also bought a bed - tent , and put it up . Here it is . I wonder how it is that when we are small we get to have things like bed tents to hide out in , but when we grow up we 're supposed to stop that sort of thing . Why ? Because you 're supposed to want a house really badly ? And we might all end up happily living in a box each in one big house and collapse the economy ? ( Hey . . . hang on . . . ) - I get unhappy if I can 't sometimes sit under a table or in a cupboard . It helps me think . If a lot is going on in the world I sometimes don 't notice that I am thinking the same thing over and over . It is very easy , for example , to see the world passing by through a train window and count up everything I don 't like about somebody I haven 't seen in years over and over again . But when nothing is going on at all , for example because I am inside a cupboard at the time , that sort of thing becomes excruciatingly and obviously boring . If you get stuck writing a story at your table , I do recommend relocating to underneath it for a bit . But I don 't insist . So yesterday afternoon I spent a long time at my local train station together with a growing crowd of people also wanting to go toward Croydon . . . it got colder , and darker , as we waited , and no one was wearing enough to be out past nightfall . I glanced around and saw that people 's eyeballs seemed kind of milky and frosted as they looked at the railway clock ticking on . It was quiet . All the train announcement times crawled forward steadily , always a few minutes ahead of the clock , suggesting that trains were slowly overtaking each other somewhere just out of sight , trying to stop each other from getting to us , more trains joining the fray , it must be crawling with trains like centipedes somewhere around Battersea . They had gone wild and forgotten all their training and just bit each others tails in a frenzy , is my guess . Trust British Rail to put feral trains on the tracks without breaking them in properly . Eventually , they cancelled them all , dragging the whole knot off the track I suppose , and started counting minutes again . A sudden hail storm came down , like someone had slit the bottom of a bag of peas in the sky , and the girl on sitting two seats away from me shivered so much it vibrated everyone on the bench . And all at once I realised I didn 't have to go to Croydon , because I lived only around the corner , and so I had my tickets refunded and bought a big jar of sauerkraut and cooked a thanksgiving meal for the natives . I am glad they are letting me live in their warm friendly house . Today , I set out again , and I 'll take a dummy book on the train , so if it gets stuck due to " weather " ( no one ever expects weather , do they ) I can at least do some work . In November , I am mostly glum . I do that every year , so it 's no cause for alarm , in fact no one who knows me worries or asks why I 'm being quiet , it 's November , that 's why . I once got so sad in November that I thought I might drop dead of it , but I didn 't , and ever since that I get sad on Bonfire Night and pretty much keep it up ( or down ) until St Nicholas ' day . I take it as an opportunity to be nice to myself and buy lots of hot milky beverages and read adventure novels , and I don 't expect my drawings to be great , neither . They are November - drawings , a bit wonky and miserable . This November is actually surprisingly cheery . . . I think I am getting better at Novembers . I think it 's because I have learned to indulge my gloomy self to a point where it 's actually kind of happy , drinking milky spicy tea and thinking how amazing it would be if suddenly one of the people in the café would take their coat off and spread great wings and all the pigeons in the street would come and peck at the window , and then no one would need to worry about anything else for the day . I also don 't question ideas as much in November , like the notion that it would be a lot nicer to sleep in a tent . I tried it out with bedding sheets and it really is an improvement , so today I 'll go and buy myself a tent that fits on my bed neatly . I don 't see why only children get to have brilliant beds anyway , I would like to have one in the shape of a boat , with a ladder going up the side , and trunks full of books , and rigged with night - sky sails , but that wouldn 't fit into the studio so well . Maybe one day . This is to announce that next Saturday , the 29th of November , I can be found at The Bookseller Crow , Crystal Palace , London . I 'll turn up at eleven - ish and stay over lunchtime and see how it goes , and I will be drinking cups of tea , knitting a stripy Moonpie cat and signing any copies of " There are Cats in this Book " which you may care to purchase there and then . It 's not quite a signing , more a presence . I 'm told that there is also a Christmas Market going on in the area that day , so why not visit and do a bit of Christmas shopping ? You can also pick up a free cat knitting pattern , and if you add a few balls of wool to a signed book you 'll have a fully interactive multimedia present ! They have already been busy knitting at the shop - just look at this superfurry Andre ! ! Back from a six hour session at the publishers ' , editing the dummy of my mostly finished book - with scissors and almost a full roll of scotch tape . Now some of it is utter nonsense and some is much improved . . . six hours of " Now it makes sense , but it 's not funny " , " Now it 's funny , but it 's got no emotional impact " , " Awwww that 's sweet , but it makes no sense " . . . and every half hour someone walking past saying " Oooh , I love that bit " about something that just got cut . - And that is just fine - tuning a basically finished fourth dummy of twelve spreads and less than one A4 page of text which already took months to write . I am not complaining , I just kind of want to somehow bottle the way I feel right now up in a pretty flask and offer a swig to the next person who asks me why I don 't work seven days a week ( " it 's not like it 's a job - it 's a privilege ! " ) , or why I don 't work on more than two books at a time ( " Hey , I got a few great ideas you can use ! " ) - I love this job , but it sure is a job . Anyway , all lookin ' good , two or three more days like this and we 'll have it ready to be inked in ! I got up early and did some morning knitting and shopping , and because everything was bright and beautiful I bought tastier food than I normally do . I also made momentous decisions , as you do , firstly to stop putting concealer under my eyes every day - I mean , if I only had dark circles now and then , okay , but since they are there all the time they are actually part of my face , so people can get used to them . Secondly . . . secondly I already forgot . I hope I already did whatever it was . I knitted the gums of the Morsicant puppet and started on the lips , and it is nice and snappy already . And then I really got going on my paid work . . . I have almost finished a new rough dummy , actually the old dummy photocopied and changed around with scotch tape and torn paper and scrawls . I think when I deliver it to the publisher I 'll add a bag of sweets and a note of apology to the poor person who needs to scan it . There will be a meeting inbetween so I expect it will get covered in even more layers of scrawls and tape . More to do now , still a few spreads left , and for a change there are materials for cheese and pickle sandwiches in the house . . . Oh , and I also added a sound to my web page , just because I happened to record it and it sounds pretty much like my thoughts when I 'm drawing stuff . I gave my first magazine interview today , to a knitting magazine . . . I had to dig around in primary school memories a fair bit to answer the questions , and I told them about the final project I had to do : a teddy bear . Actually there were two , a crocheted one and a knitted one . The crocheted one I managed to make myself ( pretty much - my mother made the face and one of the arms ) and was very proud . The knitted one was a different story . ( I recommend to anyone to learn crocheting before knitting - you just need one hook and don 't need to worry about dropped stitches ! ) Anyway , my mum tidied the attic today and found this guy . And I thought I 'd lost him twenty years ago ! I think it 's actually a novel - writing day today , hooray ! I 've would the wool I bought yesterday into neat balls and started crocheting the inside of the mouth of the Morsicant last night : It 'll look better with gums and teeth . Today is nice and grey and I have ( I think ) worked out the plot now , so why not produce some wordage about foxes . . . And I just read the weekend paper and noticed that there will be Lucha Libre in London . Now I am rallying the whole household to come along to the show . . . they do a Sunday family matinee , if I book that I might even be able to see over the crowd ! Whee ! Hm : Strange afternoon I had . I got stuck in cross - town tube refurbishment traffic fuss and decided to take a break and do some research for my novel when I 'd finally managed to cross the river and found myself at St Paul 's Cathedral . The thing is , I had plans to end the novel there , but the plot hinged on the question : could a fox easily get into St Paul 's cathedral in the middle of the day ? And : WHY would it do that ? - So I went to check if the doors were ever kept open ( maybe for Christmas ? ) and what the place was like close - up and from the inside anyway . I looked at all the statues and the whispering gallery and the view from the dome and the crypt ( where to my surprise I came across William Blake , which was nice , I didn 't know they kept him there ) and all that time I imagined being a fox and how I would feel about the place . I couldn 't quite work out what a fox would ever want there , but it did still seem right somehow . On my way out , I visited the gift shop . And the first thing I spotted was a shelf full of toy foxes . What was that about ? Well , apparently - that was about " Herod " , an urban fox who snook into St . Paul 's ten years ago and happily lived there for a week . He 's kind of their mascot now , it seems . " Ah , " I said to myself and the shelf of stuffed toy foxes . " That answers that , then . " I did feel a bit like someone had re - programmed the universe to catch me out , but then I often do . So , tick - novel ends in St Paul 's Cathedral . Real foxes agree . Aaaah , Saturday ! Time for me to get a travelcard and join the teeming masses . There 's a few exhibitions I want to see ( if they 're not too packed today ) and I need to get toy stuffing and some balls of wool to make a Morsicant for an exhibition . The main thing to be illustrated ( or suggested ) with this piece is a " sensation of repeated biting " . As you can see , I am still inspired to crochet smiley animals with round eyed masks . . . He will have a big mouth with crocheted teeth which when closed slot into gaps in his gums , so that the teeth disappear completely and are surprising when they appear again . And otherwise he 'll look like a friendly stripy monkey . That 's the plan , anyhow . Then I just need to work out how to present him as a work of art - it would be nice if people could be bitten by him but that 'll be a bit too much excitement in a gallery situation I think , so I might just have a photoshoot to demonstrate , or do some sketches . . . And guess what , I just checked my work box for toy eyes ( which I sometimes buy when I see them and then forget about them completely ) and found these : . . . perfect ! ! Ooh ! Eric has just posted some pictures of Ray in action . . . Look here ! I 'm glad he arrived well - quite a journey , all the way to Canada , I was worried about him . It 's been ages since I 've been inspired to knit ( or crochet ) a beastie , but there 's something about nice people having babies that seems to trigger it ! I think I want to crochet more . Maybe I can make some toys for some gallery exhibitions I 'm supposed to make things for . . . I hope they 'll let me , maybe if I do drawings to go with them ! Hm . Might need two coffees today . But got a lovely mail from Eric in Canada , I sent him a sheep I crocheted for his baby in a burst of sheep crocheting inspiration and he arrived in one piece . . . my friend Matthew ( who knows these things ) says I should make a pattern section on my site for toys , but I don 't know how to write crocheting patterns . . . I 'll try and find out . That 's the surface of the latte I had yesterday when I decided to not tidy up the studio but go and take my work somewhere else , because I figured I 'd never get it done else . I might do the same again today . . . I love my studio but when I really need to get a lot done in a short time , running off to a cafe is much preferable because at home I get nervous about not getting things done and start tidying and looking for food . . . in a cafe , people buzz around wiping the tables clean and then offer me food . Ideal . And I get to scatter the milk - foam with sugar and wait for it to cool down , which is a very humane sort of a warm - up phase for work I think , much better than rushing around clearing work surfaces . So I had a nice evening . . . I was invited to Kensington Palace ( the bit at the back that houses the Princes ' Trust , anyway ) or at least I thought so until I arrived with my passport and all and wasn 't on the guest list . But they kindly didn 't throw me out into the chilling night , but let me in and gave me some champagne , the good people ! I was very grateful to warm up because I had been out and about in London for hours , with an hour 's break at a particularly nice grubby pub where I almost finished plotting the fox novel and amused myself matching Hollywood actors to characters I 'd made up ( it 's free and easy entertainment , that ) . I got to say hello to some authors and illustrators I 'd only knew by name before , which was fun , and I had nice people coming over saying they liked my book even though I didn 't have a name tag , which was surprising and joyous . And I wore my gran 's necklace that I inherited some time ago , because I thought she would have liked me to wear it to a palace do . And now I must spend all day preparing for a meeting on Friday , because I have about a week 's work still to do on that . . . I just got today 's post and a phone call from my sister simultaneously . In the phone call , my sister told me that my nephews really want the latest wrestling video game but are absolutely getting something more wholesome . In the post , I got a five disc DVD box of " The Legend of Tiger Mask " , and " AAA when Worlds collide " . I think it is a good thing in a way that I live in a different country from these guys , else we 'd all be bouncing around like lunatics shouting " I think I 'm cute ! I know I 'm sexy ! I got the Looks ! That drive the girls WILD ! I got the moves ! That really move them . . . " I mean , not on purpose , I just enjoy doing the washing up more when I can pretend to be Shawn Michaels at the same time . It probably is unhealthy . So now I have to run off to a day packed with strange PR activities , hooray ! I got the moves , that really . . . er , sorry . See ya ! You know how they always say videogames teach you bad stuff ? I just went to the local supermarket to get a packet of loo roll . I wanted recycled , but as cheap as possible , but they 'd gone and stacked that on the top of the high shelf , and two packets high . I could just reach the lower edge of the bottom packet ( am quite short and get this a lot ) . I stopped to think , and noticed that there was a little old lady standing next to me who had exactly the same facial expression as me , which made me think she probably had the same problem ( already a strange thought ) . What happened then I can only put down to having played " Little Big Planet " on the PS3 a lot for the last three days . I kind of bounced up , grabbed the low packet , caught them both as they came down , and handed one to the old lady . She laughed and said " That was great ! Thank you ! " I walked off to get some vegetables and thought : That was so not what I would have done if I 'd thought about it for a moment . I just tried on my proper dress , to see if it still fits around the arms - it does , goodie ! I 've got a big book launch to go to tomorrow , and as usual I 'm wondering if I need to cut my hair or anything . I think I do . . . but I won 't think too much about it , because every event I go to I end up looking loopy anyway . I 'm no good with smart clothes . . . I can see they look nice , but so do naked people , and you don 't see them gallivanting about at book launches much . I also just got a mail about an upcoming exhibition where I 'll get to illustrate a word that 's disappearing from the English language - they sent me a list , and I got my first choice , " Morsicant " , which means " the sensation of repeated biting " . I have a slight feeling that this is a word still well used by the medical profession , but anyway , I am looking forward to illustrating it . . . if they let me , I 'll make a sculpture , just because it 's such a good opportunity not to have to work in 2D for printing . If I do have to draw an illustration I am slightly miffed that I didn 't pick " Filipendulous " instead , which means " hanging from one thread " . Otherwise , the novel is shaping up well , I 'll do an hour or so of plotting over lunch . . . I 'm just working on a classic villain bit where someone makes a big show of sending out a message to prove their integrity , and then secretly kill the messenger . The main bit is where in the story it would be most useful to reveal the corpse - as a big shock effect before everyone has realised the guy 's a villain , or right towards the end when we already know and it 's more of a chilling detail ? I 'm trying not to kill of too many characters this time , so the ones that do die can do so to greater effect . - I 'm hoping to get the plot in place in the next couple of days so I can actually write some more scenes . . . This seems to be what my doodles default to most of the time . . . small animals who are a bit surprised that nothing has fallen on their head quite yet . What that says about me I do not know . I make that one of the six inconsequential things I 've been tagged to blog by Anne . The rules are : 1 . Link to the person who tagged you . 2 . Mention the rules . 3 . Tell six quirky yet boring , unspectacular details about yourself . 4 . Tag six other bloggers by linking to them . 5 . Go to each person 's blog and leave a comment that lets them know they 've been tagged . I 've not worked out who to tag with it yet because I think everyone I can think of has been tagged already , that 's maths for you I guess , what with it trying to multiply by six every iteration . . . but maybe I can do that later and link back here . Anyway , here you go . 1 ) when I doodle I always default to drawing small creatures who look like they are worried about the sky in some way . 2 ) I love watching old wrestling videos , from before everyone started bleeding all over the place at every match . I would really love to be a big guy sometimes and go RAAAAAH and grab some other big guy and throw him right over my head . Just , you know , for a few minutes , now and then . 3 ) I don 't like saying people 's names . I never have , for some reason . Sometimes people notice and quote that " How to make Friends and Influence People " book at me with some nonsense about how a person 's name is the sweetest sound known to them or something . I think it 's more like a doorbell embedded in your head , personally , and it seems odd to keep ringing it when they 're right there already . 4 ) I don 't play games or argue for fun . I sometimes try but I am totally hopeless , if I feel like someone wants to win I kind of want them to win , too . 5 ) My favourite line in any film ever is " Dinner 's over , worm dude " , as delivered by Bill when he comes back to life in " Bill and Ted 's Bogus Journey " . He says it in such a friendly way . . . I hope that 's what I 'll feel like when I die one day , like " Dinner 's ready , Worm Dudes ! " 6 ) I can eat Okay . I 've ditched the word count , and the world is suddenly a brighter place , and I am excited about the novel again . Here 's my plan for the rest of the month : I will work on the book every day , but it doesn 't matter if I draw maps , write words or just make notes . My aim is to have the thing worked out as a rough draft by the end of the month so well that - in the words of my illustration teacher at college - " someone else could draw it " . - Since being introduced to the concept of writing a novel by writing a lot every day until it 's written , I 've written two big novel drafts , and I 've failed to carve anything I liked out of either . I just don 't think it 's how my brain works . . . I like to think about patterns , and I like tightly plotted stories . That 's why I am writing picture books , for goodness ' sake , that 's what I do , take something that 's very much plotted and make it seem inevitable . If I let my brain run free and just write , all I ever write about is tasty food . My cunning villains are as disorganised as myself , and my heroes are always taking time off for a snack and a stroll round the block and maybe a nap . I 'm just writing what I 'd rather be doing myself instead of writing . You wouldn 't believe how much tasty food I 've already crammed in these 10 . 000 words . . . Mind you , I 've come up with characters and ideas that were completely unexpected ( some of them about interesting food , but not all ) , and that 's due to just writing without thinking too much , but I have reached the point where there 's enough ideas and enough characters and I want to close the door and make a book now . Okay , off to do some plotting : ) Really looking forward to it for a change ! I dragged myself over the 10 . 000 words mark today - I was utterly stuck on an utterly dull stretch of novel , I could hardly believe how dull it was . I mean , I have all these things piling up in my head that will happen later , but they just don 't happen yet . And somehow there seemed to be endless potential for the characters to do hardly anything at all , which seemed very life - like to me , which in turn started to make me question what I am doing with my life . As it is , I am spending my days doing pretty much nothing except writing a novel , trying in vain to get to the exciting parts , so in a way it 's not to surprising that nothing happens in the novel neither except everyone somewhat vaguely expecting exciting things to happen . It 's a dreadful state of affairs , which I decided to get out of by writing something much like this : Then some more boring stuff happened , which they didn 't mind because life was kind of going on in ways they mostly enjoyed , and in fact it was all kind of a calm before the storm thing which they did not at all realise was foreshadowing great events that had not as yet transpired , so they didn 't even know which bits of their blissfully boring existence were foreshadowing anything at all . Until one night , when Pebble heard desperate screaming coming from all over the place , which was totally unexpected . Something dreadful must have happened very suddenly . Then I wrote who was screaming and why , and when I felt the dreadful drudge coming on again I switched to italics and wrote a short account of the very exciting stuff that 's going to happen next , and I intend to turn those italics into some half decent writing tomorrow and then end up with more exciting italics for the next day , and so on , and if it all is just exciting stuff , doesn 't hang together and ends after 30 . 000 words then I 'll go back and write more boring stuff between the lines . Pah . I knew this would happen . My non - competitive streak is telling me that there is no point in trying to write 50 . 000 words in a month to get a little thing that says " winner " from an internet robot instead of just writing a novel in whatever time it takes , and in however many words . The rest of me is telling my non - competitive streak that this isn 't a competition , even if they offer to give us a little thing that says " winner " ( which we don 't have to take if it makes us feel tricked ) . It 's just a neat way of motivating ourselves to get some writing done and pretending that it 'll all be over in the foreseeable future ( December ) . It 's kind of like exercise , where you do so and so many repetitions . And remember the time when we spent years writing that mad novel about rats that was the weight of a large brick in the end . It 's actually veeeeeeery sensible to aim to get it over with in a month . " Argh , " it says . " I hate exercise . " " It 's not a perfect world , " says the rest of me . " Let 's do the next 3000 , you 're allowed to do an improvised dream sequence if we get stuck . " " Ok then . " So ! Yesterday I took a break from Novel - writing , because the day before I allowed myself to be tricked by the word - count widget into writing so much I felt ill . I just kept going back and logging more all through the day , didn 't listen to anything anybody said and by the end of the day almost walked into walls , I was so tired out . And all just because the little square of the word - count widget had gone bright red for that day , and was refusing to change colour however much I added . - I think it might be running on the wrong time zone or something . So I ' LL get rid of that and calculate my own aims for now - I 'll just see how many more words I need to write , then I 'll count how many days are left , take away one day a week to have a break from it , and calculate the required total - per - writing - day from that . . . and magically , it 's exactly 2000 words per day . Hah . That is neat . What I did do yesterday is play " Little Big Planet " , the new PS3 platforming / world - building game , and it truly is as lovely as they say . It took me right back to childhood memories of changing the attic into a ghost - ride with my friends , with cardboard ghosts and teddybear monsters on strings . It 's wonderful . Just before midnight I made a huge sheep out of sponge , painted it white and climbed all over it , shouting " HA HA I defeat you , giant sheep " until Alexis told me I might want to get out of his room and let him sleep maybe . Hello my native English speaking friends . . . can you help me out with something here ? I have started to google some of the made - up expressions I am using liberally in the book I 'm writing , and as expected things that sound interesting mean all the wrong things already . Now the main thing is : would you say that " Stone Fox " these days primarily means - A very foxy lady - The title of a classic kids ' novel ( and film ) - Sounds like a native Indian sort of name to me - Oh my Goodness ! That 's so RUDE ! I 'll tell you in an email , don 't for goodness sake use that expression ever ! And also , if I use the expression " The Promised City " in a Fantasy context , will I unwittingly be talking about New York , Jerusalem or some other specific place and annoy a whole lot of people without meaning to ? Thanks . . . I just want to know if I have to change these early on , and if I can use " Pebble Stone Fox " as a working title . . . Hm yes , a whole lot of foxes expected today again . . . I haven 't quite worked out when to do the writing today , there 's all sorts of other things to be done . I guess the good thing is that I can think about what to write while I 'm running errands . . . Well , this is mostly for my Mum & Dad : if you scroll down a lot on the Publisher 's Weekly Best Books List , to the Picture Books section , you 'll see my very Cats - In - This - Book ! And yes , that 's pretty good ! And anyway , and I forgot to say because I was stuck head - down in this November novel : it 's out ! It 's out ! Oh yeah ! There 's supposed to still be a proper launch of sorts , so I 'll make a bigger noise about it when that happens . But you can buy it now and have it tomorrow ! Whey - heyy ! I 'm going to go out and buy some chocolate on that . Nothing to be said about day five , except that I somehow pootled through another wodge of words . Feeling a bit lazy about it , I even just described a possibly important scene that I could have written in lots of words because I thought it would just slow stuff down to spend time there if it turns out that it wasn 't important after all . . . and I can always go back and extend it later . I think if I get to do a second draft eventually I 'll know what should be happening in all these scenes I 'm writing where characters are just faffing about on their way to the next big event that somehow shouldn 't happen quite yet , but I 'll make it happen tomorrow because that 's been enough faffing . It 's hard not to write too much faffing , since that 's what seems to take up most time and space in real life . Anyway , first session that didn 't turn up anything interesting at all ( I think ) . Pah . Rrr . I am propping my eyes up with coffee spoons . I ended up going to bed at midnight after doing some late - night work on the new picture book , and then kept the radio turned on and listened to America . I was still very worried that it would turn out that in the end , that there might still too many places where people would just not even consider Obama as an option . I thought of the silly casual racism I remembered from growing up in a part of Germany where back then black people were still stared at by small white children in the street . I was thinking how brilliant it would be if small children of any colour anywhere in the world would see a black man running America . - I fell asleep at some point and when I woke up in the very early morning the radio was still on , and Obama was talking . . . Well , I am happy . Thanks for voting , you guys over there : ) And how many words do I have ? Not even 5000 ! This is going to be a late night , I can tell . I completely overslept , mostly because somehow I slept pretty well for a change . Normally I wake up some time after midnight with a start , from some sort of terrifying nightmare that I can 't remember at all but to do with having forgotten to do something important , and then I can 't sleep for some hours , and then I fall asleep and have completely mad exhausting dreams until the morning . Every night , no matter what I eat or do or drink or whether I exercise or read . But last night I actually more or less just slept . No idea why . In the morning I figured I better stock up on sleep while it 's on offer , and so now I missed my morning writing time , and had to go to town and back , the sun is down already , and I really want to get some paneling done for the new picture book . . . luckily I was thinking about the novel on the train , and so I think I might be able to put down a thousand words and then do the rest of todays ' work in front of a movie on the sofa . And I still don 't know at all if this novel is any good , but I know I am writing something enjoyable ( to me ) every five hundred words or so , and that can 't be bad . I think I might do a time - warp and remember what I was like when I was still in school - staying up most nights with a big put of tea on a stove and writing or drawing or making stuff until three or four or six , because I knew I couldn 't sleep anyway , and that way I felt that when I fell asleep in class the next day at least it was for a good reason . These days , I almost enjoy sleepless nights . The ones I hate are the ones when I am almost asleep , or just dreaming and waking up going GAH ! and dreaming again , and it feels like I imagine a bad office job . By the way , I 've been listening to the latest Emiliana Torrini album for days now , it 's great ! I 'd been meaning to get it , but never got to the record shop , and I wasn 't sure I 'd like it . . . well now I got it , and I 'm glad ! Argh , ok , switching on the writing machine . . . Doodled these two guys in - between things . Otherwise , drew a selection of suitcases . Tomorrow , I 'll draw washing - machines . Strangely , it 's all paid work . Just hit 4000 words . More unexpected things are happening , and I did go back to edit this and that , but I also left in a not very successful scene written from a different perspective because it might come in handy later . Seems I might be sticking with the same character all through after all , which is unusual for me . I like switching view - points , but this time it just seems likely to cause confusion . Here 's a few sentences or so for you : The wailing rose again . " Is this it ? " Pebble whispered , although she knew it wasn 't the call , but she didn 't know what else it meant , and it frightened her . " No , this isn 't it , stupid . " Tarmac licked his nose nervously . " They are still making prayers , so that the stone people will . . . so that they will have a look . " Pebble curled up more tightly , because she was thinking about what the stone people would look at . They would look at her tonight . She was secretly hoping that they would not listen , and stay asleep tonight . The wailing rose into a shrill choir , and it seemed to come from all corners of the sacred yard now . The stone people would have to be deaf or in a very bad mood about something not to hear it . " Are they sacrificing ? " she asked . " What ? ? Where did you even get that word from again ? " " Dunno , " Pebble said . " Someone said they would be sacrificing . What 's sacrificing ? " " They are not sacrificing , " said Tarmac . I really wish I had time to edit some of the repetitions and stuff , it irks me even to see it here , all that raising wailing and stuff . Gnnnnnnh ! Ignore . Ignore . Keep writing . Anyway , I have to stop for now and actually do some contracted work , painting some cats with suitcases , to be precise . I actually had some fairly decent sleep last night , which was amazing . . . until suddenly there was this mighty crash and I woke up in the dark and couldn 't fall asleep again , and then the flashing lights were on my shutters , and I did take a look and saw that someone had crashed into the side of a delivery van and split it right open . It 's an accient - prone corner , this , and by now I don 't wake up thinking WHAT ? ? ? any more , but " That sounded like a bin in the road again " or " uh oh , someone got the street - light " , and most of the time " Phew , didn 't hit the house " . Anyway , it was six in the morning , and I couldn 't really sleep very much more , and so now I am NaNoWRiMo - writing already . Just logged last night 's words , and noticed they have this widget : where I can check ( or show off ) how well I did every day in the month , hah , funny . Except at the moment it is just plain lying . Anyway , back to writing more words now . I just went past the 2000 word mark on my NaNoWriMo novel . . . I am pleased how it 's coming on , mostly , but it 's hard to make myself write a certain number of words like this without going back and trimming it down every few paragraphs . I normally check over what I have written at the end of the day and chuck out a lot of adjectives and sentences that made sense at the time of writing but have already become obscure , and I often decide to throw out a whole scene halfway through if it won 't get going . I don 't like the idea of a whole wodge of wordiness growing under my hands day by day . . . but there 's no way I can get 50000 words written in a month if I keep hacking bits out all the time . It 's tempting to just mark the rubbish ones out somehow and count them in , but I guess I 'll have to trust myself that I can edit it all in the end . . . maybe that 's partly the point of this exercise . Anyway , due to this restraint I feel like the story isn 't moving on at all , but that it 's just endless exposition so far and could be done in a couple of sentences . But maybe that 's not true . . . and maybe it doesn 't matter at all . Who cares if my 50000 word novel will shrink to a short story eventually ? Oh , it 's not easy though ! Every thought that comes along now wants writing down to make up the day 's word count . . . on the other hand , thoughts come in fast , for later parts of the story mostly . Anyway , I 'll try and do a few hundred more now before dinner . |
If you 've had twins , you know , people come and say the stupidest things to you . " Oh , double the blessings . " Realists say , " Double Trouble . " And the realists are right . Today they were a curse . Must be teething or something , because the screaming and fighting was nonstop , until I gave them motrin . Then they had a good nap , but about 4 hours later , the screaming and fighting resumed . I barely take them into stores anymore , because even in the stroller , they cause trouble . Used to be that they would just grab things off the shelf , however , letely they seem to know that I will hurry out of the store if they fight with each other . When you are strapped in a stroller , you can only hit and bite your twin . . . so that is what they do . Alvin came home tonight and I had dinner on the table . He only had time to wash up before he came to eat . After dinner , I took Finn into the kitchen to make a treat and Alvin reclined under the guise of playing with the twins . Then I busied myself cleaning the kitchen while he bathed and got the boys ready for bed . I wonder what I need to do to get this to happen nightly . When he does that , I will probably ask for more , but for now , I 'll make do . And I am still happy to have him home . Last week kate called and told me Baby Jack wasn 't sleeping well . I suggested swaddling , because I believe in swaddling . I recall swaddling Finn when he was about a year old , when he couldn 't calm down to go to sleep . Sure I had to use a safety pin to fasten him in , but it worked . Kate said Jack could wiggle out , so I described how tightly I do it , and a few of my little secrets . . . And he is now sleeping about 6 hours at night . She is a believer too . Finn still likes to be swaddled at age 5 when he is cold and watching tv . The picture above is when Quincy wanted to join him . No school for Finn the next 3 days . . . what am I going to do ? Well , tomorrow night , Jen and I are going to a Mama Mia sing - a - long ( the movie ) . Might have a drink before we go to loosen my nonsinging lips . I have so many things I want to do , so crErika Sarah posted on her blog some of her favorite things and it got me thinking about mine . None of mine can be pictured , but I thought I would share them with you . The messages Finn leaves on our voice mail for me . He calls our phone number , from our number and leaves messages telling me jokes and how much he loves me . Quincy saying I love you , when I haven 't said it to him first . Paxtons ' enthusiasm when he sees something he knows the word for . Right now it 's " BUS BUS BUS " . Often it 's truck , ball , balloon , etc . My kids fangs . Finn had them , but he has now worn them down so they look " normal . " P & Q also have them , but Pax shows his more often . Warm sheetsChocolateWarm pudding ( I despise the instant kind , but I love making a box of cooked kind and eating it before it cools ) The smell of rainSomeone else cleaning my houseMassagesI am starting to try to be more optimistic , now that Alvin is actually on his way home . Yes , he sould be home by midnight . I am not much of a crier , unless pregnant , but here is something that made me cry last night . While searching through blogs last night , I found a link to this blog http : / / www . mattlogelin . com / written by a man who was widowed just hours after his daughters birth . I could tell you about it , but I think you 'd rather enjoy reading it yourself . Maybe it really hit home , because my pregnancies are so life threatening . I love my husband , but IF I had any say it the matter , I wouldn 't go , because he couldn 't handle all three of these boys . And even though those 3 boys have cost me my health ( kidney damage causing high blood pressure that must be medicated for life ) I am greatful to see them grow up and be the little charmers they are . Today as we left for the bus , we saw a deer in the front yard , then turned and saw its twin eating out of our garden . They hung around all morning and I didn 't see a mother anywhere near ( and I got about 15 feet away ) . I know nothing about deer , but if something happened to their mother , I guess I am not so mad about them eating my garden . If you are inclined to tell me that the deer in the picture are old enough to be on their own . . . stuff it , I want to think that I am helping some poor defenseless Bambis ( what is the plural of that ? ) . So I have to ask . . . why all the freaking twins ? When I got pregnant with the twins , the woman who lived downstairs had twin teenager daughters . Since she would tell us when she " heard " us , I accused her of putting an Indian curse on us ( she laughed , and she was NA ) to teach us to be quieter . . . or stop us from doing it altogether . Maybe she cursed the deer too . Above is a picture of the twins on their birthday . Notice Quincys bloody nose . Lately , it 's like they know they have to act 2 and their vocabulary is exploding . Quincy is somewhat understandable , but Paxton still talks around his bubby ( pacifier ) and is a challenge to understand . I don 't think I ever mentioned that I made peach butter ( recipe that Blair recommeneded ) and it was delicious . I cooked it in a crockpot for close to 24 hours . Later I made Fig Pineapple jam with my mom and her abundance of figs . But all this jam needs home made bread . Even with the mixer Alvin bought me , I can only make good bread in the bread machine . Someone needs to teach me to make bread , and I would really love to make oatmeal molasses bread . Our nightmare is still continuing . . . Alvin is still not home . 2 nights ago , he said he had everything done in the house and was trying to leave by 11am , to go to his brothers house to do some things there . Yesterday , he finally left the house at 5pm and has a days worth of stuff to do there . Please cross your fingers ( legs too ) that he finishes tonight and can get off in the morning . It 's a full day drive andErika Some of you know that I used to watch Martha Stewart religiously her first season . Of course the twins were tiny and needed to be fed every other hour , so I Tivo ' ed it and watched it at 2 or 4 or 6 in the morning . Well , the twins grew up and I haven 't watched it much since , but I just read about a blog contest for her show . . . I 'm going to check it out and see if I want to enter . Maybe I could win something cool ; a trip to a spa would be nice , but I would really like a housekeeper for life ( I 'd take a year ) . What am I thinking . I know so little about blogging that I can 't get the text under the right pictures ( Help . ) or size images different in the same post ( help ) . But while passing through blogs , I found people who do the strangest things , like one woman who took pictures of her meals at a restaurant . . . did the waiter stare at you as your flash went off , multiple times ? How rude . But here is the link if you want to read about it . http : / / www . themarthablog . com / 2008 / 09 / how - to - create - your - own - blog - let - us - show - you . htmlBut how cool would it be to make money off your blog ? Not like I ever could . I mean who wants to read about some frazzled mom in the suburbs and my family might hate me if I wrote about them ( although they are good writing material ) . Okay , I am new at this , but Sarah " tagged " me and I guess I should do it . Here are the rules : I have to answer the following questions with one word answers and one word only ! Then I must pass it on to seven others ! The questions are as follows : 1 . Where is your cell phone ? missing2 . Where is your significant other ? California ( still ! ) 3 . Your hair color ? FAKE4 . Your mother ? hard - working5 . Your father ? bald6 . Your favorite thing ? quiet - time7 . Your dream last night ? HOT8 . Your dream / goal ? sanity9 . The room you 're in ? family room10 . Your hobby ? diapering ( didn 't say i like it ) 11 . Your fear ? snakes12 . Where do you want to be in 6 years ? wealthy13 . Where were you last night ? home14 . What you 're not ? rich15 . One of your wish - list items ? i - pod16 . Where you grew up ? Washington17 . The last thing you did ? kissed18 . What are you wearing ? socks19 . Your TV ? on20 . Your pet ? stuffed21 . Your computer ? ON22 . Your mood ? worn out23 . Missing someone ? Alvin24 . Your car ? minivan25 . Something you 're not wearing ? pants26 . Favorite store ? online27 . Your summer ? over28 . Love someone ? absolutely29 . Your favorite color ? blue30 . When is the last time you laughed ? at finn , just now . 31 . Last time you cried ? last week ( I don 't know 7 others that would do this so if you feel like forwarding it on , please do . ) Hard to believe that Paxton and Quincy are 2 ! The time has gone so quiclky and my little tiny babies are now little boys . Today was a rough one , with a bloody - possibly broken nose , for Quincy as I was getting ready to leave for the bus stop ( Finn was involved ! ) , and Paxton throwing up just before dinner at my brother 's house . The picture was taken last week , my camera is in the car . . . they look about the same , but are now sporting 2 year old haircuts . I took advantage of their age and shopped for their gifts at Safeway , but they are going to love their new electric tooth brushes and kid silverware . They have enough toys , so I will love the clothes the family bought for them . It is also my borhter Jacobs birthday : he 's a good sport sharing his past 2 birthday parties with my guys , although I am sure there was some celebrating with his friends that we weren 't invited to . Posted by Having Alvin home , even only for a few days , was so nice . You could tell he felt bad about being away from us for so long , because he was so helpful . Didn 't even complain about cleaning up the kitchen after each meal ( I made every mess ) . I guess I only have one twenty year high school reunion , but I will willingly wait another 10 years to spend that kind of money on one weekend . Here 's the run down : $ 70 for a facial , $ 150 for a great hair cut and color ( I was trying to look my age , because everyone knew how old I was ) $ 400 for Alvin 's last minute plane ticket , $ 150 for admission to the event ( yeah , too much considering we had to pay for alcohol ) , $ 40 alcohol , $ 40 taxi fare . It goes on , but you know I had to buy new clothes ( new bras so those gals didn 't look their age ) , parking , ferry fare . . . thank goodness I didn 't have to pay a sitter . We left home about 6 : 30 and got home at almost 2am . Reunion was fun , great to see people , but I think it was a bit over the top . It was in a bar , with a band and dark , so you had to yell to carry on a conversation with someone after you squinted to read their name tag . Alvin had an okay time , but I don 't think anyone really talked to him . We went with Jen and her husband , so at least they could talk with each other . They sat near the screen where they showed videos of our senior cruise and apparently I flashed the camera . I talked to as many people as I could , but not nearly as many people as I would have liked . I added pictures of people Sarah would like to see . Sunday , we had the family picnic for the reunion at my parents place . There weren 't as many people as they planned for , but it was a nice quiet get together and we could actually talk . It was a lot of work for Jen and I and I don 't think any one really noticed that . It 's funny , I was embarrassed of my parents " farm " in high school , but now , I am happy to show it off . It is such a fantastic place , with things to amuse everyone , but we really just sat in the shade while the kids enjoyed the bounce house . Alvin left yesterday Posted by Woke up yesterday feeling lousy and didn 't feel better as the say wore on , just more irritated . I ended up in tears when Alvin told me he found rot on the deck he was just supposed to fix a few things on ( another week ) . Mental breakdown and he offered to come home for this weekend and go back Monday . He is on a plane as right this minute . He will miss the twins birthday , but I think I will try to make a celebration Sunday after my high school reunion picnic ( there are 3 different activities for the reunion ) . Did you hear about the hole in our wall ? { Last December , I was home alone , talking on the phone and getting dresses , when the twins wedged a board in front of a bedroom door and barracaded themselves in what was our room ? I was frantic and couldn 't get them out , couldn 't leave them to go get Finn from school . Finally got ahold of Alvin who came home and decided to cut a hole in the sheetrock to get the board moved and get them out : that was a cheaper repair and less dangerous than breaking the window . } Well , 9 months later and the wall still has a hole in it . It 's a magnet for blocks , toys , pacifiers , etc . We have switched rooms and it is now between Finn 's room and the twins . . . but the twins nap in seperate rooms . I put the boys down for a nap the other day , but I could hear Quincy yelling " Paxy " ( actually sounds like he is saying " but - see " ) and got into his room to see him on his tippy toes yelling through the hole trying to keep his brother awake . Finn is funny too ! I am sure other boys do the same things , but it 's always funnier when it 's your kids . Yesterday , Finn was playing with his brothers and came out of the bathroom with a 4 foot piece of Toilet paper sticking out of his pants . You know I have nightmares about that kind of humiliation . He then proceeded to give his brothers horsey rides . . . and the shredded tail is still scattered about the floor . Went swimming today at a friends house and everyone is nice and tired . Hopefully , we will all sleep in tomorrow , even after going to bed at 7 : 00 . Yesterday was Finn 's first day of school . It was only 45 minutes and I was in the class with him , and he did pretty well . Today feels like " a first " because he went off on his own , on the school bus and will be gone for about 3 1 / 2 hours . The bus stop is a few driveways down ( if you open the picture , you can see our mailbox just behind the bus , taken from the bus stop ) . and won 't take us long to walk there every morning , but if there are no other kids getting on here , I will ask them to move the stop to our driveway . Today there was another mom and her 2nd grader , but they drove down their driveway and she told me that she usually drives her son to school . Because I was " preoccupied " talking to her , I didn 't get as teary eyed as I thought I would . . . but I am now . Oh , there are 14 boys and 5 girls in Finn 's class and did you see the scary bus driver ? Last night I was up until 1 : 30 CANNING . I thought about stopping earlier , but opted to finish the fruit I had left and get it DONE ! I did a few pints of peaches and 8 pints of nectarines with ginger syrup ( no , I have never had canned nectarines either ) . The night before last I made a double recipe of the peach butter blair suggested ( I made it in the crock pot and let it cook for close to 24 hours ) and I got it canned last night . It 's pretty good , but has a bit too much cinnamon for me . Needless to say I am pleased that I " put up " about 50 - 60 pounds of fruit while being a single mom . Update on Alvin : He says he should be home next Thursday . He thinks he is going to hire a roofing company and I am all for this idea . If he had to do the roof , it would take him at least another week and a half and we really just want him home . He 's already missed my birthday , our anniversary , labor day , finn 's first day of school , two sets of two year old molars and if he is any later , he will miss my high school reunion ( he 'd like that ) and our boys birthdays . Posted by I woke up yesterday morning feeling like the day should go on ahead with out me , but it didn 't because someone had to get up with the boys . The night before I watched a few kids , and decided to blow up the air mattress for them to watch a movie on . It was a hit for the kids and really nice for me , because I laid down and let the boys watch TV yesterday morning . Then came the jumping . . . Paxton liked to jump off the couch on to the air mattress and kept whacking me in the back and Quincy liked to jump from the floor to the mattress and heat butted me a few times in the process . My back is still stiff and I still have a sore spot on my forehead , but I think it might have been worth the little extra sleep I was able to get . Later in the day , Quincy screamed about everything ( usually had to do with Paxton taking something he was playing with ) and I couldn 't take it any more . I was trying to read a book on the computer and was able to block most of the noise out with ear plugs . The boys played so much better when I couldn 't hear everything . I must have gotten engrossed in my book , because I realized how quiet it had been . I glanced over to the kitchen table ( Quincy was sitting at my feet playing ) and there was Paxton , elbows deep into his 3rd ( of the day and it was only 10 : 30 ) nectarine he procured by climbing up the bar stools and reaching over into the kitchen . That kid loves fruit . Quincy joined him a little later , but doesn 't have the same enthusiasm for fruit . Today I spent my seventh wedding anniversary canning peaches . And I know I am my own worst critic , but the 7 quarts I canned aren 't very appetizing looking . But I still had more than a 20 pound box of peaches left and had to do something with them . I am now processing a few pints of peach jam , that tastes as good as it looks . But what am I going to do with close to 15 pounds of peaches ( and 15 pounds of nectarines ) ? Any suggestions ? We are pretty boring here this week . Had a few play dates and went to Finns school for a meet the teacher afternoon . He loved hiPosted by |
As I mentioned , the following conversation took place about three years ago . It is entirely possible that the conversation took place on a sleepy afternoon ( which makes the response by my wife even more impressive ) , on Christmas day . Regardless of the actual date , the conversation was about Santa and where he lives . Apparently , Santa is now outsourcing his duties . Why wouldn 't he ? Really , if you think about it , he of all people should be outsourcing ! As you may know , my son is rather bright . His mind works in ways that few of us can comprehend , but the cool thing about that is , he asks some very important questions . . . some of which , we have no answers for . My wife is also very bright ( which makes me the dimmest bulb in the bunch , I suppose . . . hmmm , I guess I didn 't think that one through very well ! ) , and she is able to think quickly . . . most of the time . Luckily , she thought very quickly and the result was the following conversation : Mom - Well , he has elves in every part of the world to help him on Christmas ! All I can say is , I am really happy she got that question and not me since I would have looked like a deer . . . uhhh , sorry , but I really must to go here . . . a reindeer caught in headlights . So , remember this , if your kid ever asks about Santa 's elves in China , you now have a legitimate response and also know that Santa has elves everywhere which means Santa has eyes everywhere , too . . . so he really does know if you have been naughty or nice ! Well , at least that is what we told our son . . . hehe . First , let me say that I am not a specialist in Asperger 's Syndrome , nor do I play one on TV . What I write or say are strictly my own personal observations and beliefs , so please do not sue me because I said something that made you do something that caused a misdiagnosis , or created a problem , or made you do something stupid . Have accountability , go see a professional , and leave my finances alone . . . besides , you really wouldn 't get much anyway , so its probably not worth your time to call the lawyer on the back of the phone book to see if you have a case . Spend that time more wisely , like figuring out how to subscribe to my blog . . . and don 't ask me about that because I 'm not even sure how it works ! Seriously , though , if some of the things I say seem like they sound very familiar in your family , set up an appointment with a true professional . While you are waiting for their callback , please , continue reading and leave a note ! one before I die . Okay , maybe it will not be the Enzo ( $ 1 , 000 , 000 - give or take a few hundred thousand ) or the one that started it all for me , a 288 GTO ( Bargain priced at $ 300 , 000 - give or take a hundred thousand ) , but I will own one , even if it means buying a used 308 ( think Magnum PI ) , for under 20 grand . Yes , for that money it might . . . errr . . . will need some work , but as long as I can tag it , insure it , and drive it , I will be perfectly happy . But , sharing my dreams of Ferraris is not the reason for this post . No , it is more serious than that . This post is about the horrible state of affairs our world has entered . I realized just how depressing our world has become today while I was Christmas shopping . A tragedy indeed . A world where even dreams have become a part of the " green movement " where the finely tuned music of a 600 horsepower engine is becoming a distant memory . A world where it is nearly impossible to find an exotic Matchbox or Hot Wheels car . A world where Matchbox and Hot Wheels are marketing cars like the Toyota Prius and the Honda Insight . . . really ? Is this really what our world has become ? It is a sad , sad day , indeed . When I was a kid , the main idea behind Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars was to be able to fantasize about owning cars that were cool and probably out of reach for the middle class citizen . Cars like Ferrari , Lamborghini , Porsche , and hot rods like Chevy , Pontiac , and Oldsmobile outnumbered the silly cars like the panel truck and police cars ( although , some of the cop cars were pretty cool ) . Today , I challenge you to try to find a Ferrari in the car section of your local Target or Toys R Us stores . . . ain 't gonna be there . . . and that is a shame . A Prius ? ? ? Really ? ? ? Come on , now , are you kidding me ? Okay , granted , the Prius is a pretty significant car for today 's world with its green soul and trendy status , but make a Hot Wheels / Matchbox car in its likeness ? And the Insight ? Gag me with a spoon ! Maybe , just maybe , I can see a Prelude or even the Accord , but the Insight ? wow . . . what were they thinking ? I can see it now , a little seven year old talking to his dad , " Dad , when I grow up , I want to own a Prius ! " huh ? say what ? Phbbttttt ! ! ! So , as I rifled through the assortment of miniature cars hanging on the extend metal rod from the peg board wall , I quickly realized that Santa may have a problem this year . Foreign exotic Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars are apparently just as difficult to come by as the real thing . Fortunately , I have quite a collection of Ferraris from back in the day , back when Matchbox and Hot Wheels were actually cool . Unfortunately for my son , he isn 't going to get any of those , but at least I can show him how cool these two companies were at one time . This is about 1 / 1000th of my collection No , this post is not really relevant to anything remotely related to Asperger 's , except for the fact that my son 's mind is set on receiving these exotic cars and will be crushed like a grape in France during wine season - thanks Matchbox and Hot Wheels for that , by the way . Instead , it is just a simple little rant about the ludicrousness of being politically correct in an area that is meant for fantasies and dreams . Don 't get me wrong , political correctness is a necessity is some aspects of life , and if I have offended you in any way , shape , or form , please accept my . . . um . . . sincere apologies and know that I will promise to alter my personality for your benefit in the near future . . . but only after Matchbox and Hot Wheels start making cool cars again ! Disclaimer . . . ( Yes , its a repeat of the last one . . . but the blog above is new ! ) First , let me say that I am not a specialist in Asperger 's Syndrome , nor do I play one on TV . What I write or say are strictly my own personal observations and beliefs , so please do not sue me because I said something that made you do something that caused a misdiagnosis , or created a problem , or made you do something stupid . Have accountability , go see a professional , and leave my finances alone . . . besides , you really wouldn 't get much anyway , so its probably not worth your time to call the lawyer on the back of the phone book to see if you have a case . Spend that time more wisely , like figuring out how to subscribe to my blog . . . and don 't ask me about that because I 'm not even sure how it works ! Seriously , though , if some of the things I say seem like they sound very familiar in your family , set up an appointment with a true professional . While you are waiting for their callback , please , continue reading and leave a note ! When we lived in Oklahoma , we tried to send our son to public school . Our reasoning was that he needed socialization skills and after many years of Montessori school we were looking forward to not having a tuition bill every month . The public school he would attend had a good reputation and everyone we talked to spoke very highly of the entire experience . So , needless to say , we were excited when second grade rolled around . The excitement didn 't last long . When my son acted up , we got a call from the school . From early on , I was receiving at least one call per week . Toward the end of the semester , I was receiving daily calls . The calls were from the teacher , the assistant , or the principal ( or on a particularly bad day , all three ) calling to let me know I had to either pick up my son from school early , or that we needed to have a meeting , or for some other reason that was behavioral related . Whenever the phone rang and the caller id said that it was the school calling , my automatic thought was , " Great . . . what did he do know ? " Unfortunately , he was not being challenged enough , and as the saying goes , idle hands are the devil 's playground . By the end of the first semester , he was removed from the school . Honestly , I cannot remember if it was our choice or if the school politely and firmly " suggested " that we try a different system , but either way , in January , he was attending a different school . . . and the tuition payments resumed . Our outlook was bleak , but some pretty heavy duty cosmic / karmic signs made us realize that the school we were looking at was the one for our son . For example , when my wife and I were checking out the campus , the second grade had only one spot open . That spot was in Mrs . " P . 's " class . When we entered the classroom , I noticed a map of Africa on the wall . The only part of the map that was written on was the area of Abidjan , Cote d ' Ivoire . I asked the Admissions person about the . . . umm . . . writing on the wall ; she was not sure of the reasoning , but she thought Mrs . P . may have taught in a school in Abidjan . I met my wife in Abidjan when we were not even teenagers yet . Both of our parents were stationed in Abidjan , and as most American kids of US Diplomats , we attended the same American school . The school we went to ( in 1982 ) , had a teacher there ( in the lower grades ) named . . . are you ready for this ? . . . wait for it . . . Mrs . P . At first we figured it was just a coincidence , but after looking through our yearbook ( yes , from 1982 ) , we found two Mrs . P . 's that could possibly be a match . So , when we set up the parent - teacher meeting , we brought the yearbook . Now , don 't forget , at this time we are in Oklahoma . . . as in " Okla - out in the middle of nowhere - homa . " The middle of the United States . . . the closest major city is three hours away . You can drive for hundreds of miles and still not get anywhere . . . Don 't get me wrong , I loved it there , but to meet someone who lived in Maryland was a very rare occurrence . . . now , we are talking about a completely different continent ! Anyway , we asked which Mrs . P she was , and the memories suddenly flowed out as she thumbed through the black and white photos of kids photocopied onto white pages and glued into something slightly resembling a book . Yes , Mrs . P taught at the very school that my wife and I attended , and during the same years we were there , when we were 11 and 12 years old . . . in West Africa . ( And , it turns out her son and husband played softball on the same weekend leagues that my dad and I were playing on at that time . . . . ) So , when a sign this big is in front of you , you read it and you pay attention . The following two years at this school were awesome . Our son never had any major issues , his abilities were challenged , he grew mentally , and he was successful . I did receive a call or two regarding his behavior , and I still responded with the thought of , " Great , what did he do now ? " but those calls were few and far in between . This school was perfect for him and life was good . When we moved to North Carolina , we looked at a few private schools , and found that most were not accepting new students . Our third choice was a Montessori style school . We figured our son would be comfortable with the setting since that was how he spent his first few educational years . We failed to recognize the signs this time . . . When the school takes two months to decide if they are going to admit your child , don 't do it . That big flashing neon sign that is essentially saying " WE DON ' T WANT TO ACCEPT YOUR CHILD ! ! ! " is a sign that you need to pay attention to . We didn 't . Sitting in the carpool line , waiting to pick up my son and seeing the teacher walk toward my car . . . getting a call from the teacher or principal saying I need to pick up my son early . . . wondering if I am going to get a random call . . . no , that is not my idea of a good time . As soon as the teacher took one step toward my car . . . " Great , what did he do now ? " Three months after admission , we were looking for a new school after being asked to leave . The next school was nice . It had a great campus , a good feel to it , and seemed like a great match . . . at first . Three weeks later ( but no phone calls or walking up to the car ) , our son was dismissed , again . Great , what did he do now ? But , the only answer we received was that he had two incidents of disruptive behavior . Hmm , why didn 't we get a call about those ? So , with less than two months remaining in the school year , I took over and tried to teach him what I could . Trust me , neither of us ( me or my son ) , found this to be the optimum choice ! But , at least he didn 't get dismissed from this school , and at least I didn 't walk up to my car to tell myself what he did this time . . . We started looking for other schools as soon as possible . Two of our choices were already full , so they put us on a waiting list . Obviously , we did not have time to wait . We found a local private school that is specifically for kids with Asperger 's . Homerun , right ? Nope . However , the admissions director was a huge help and a source of hope for us . I do not recall the last time I had so much hope after being rejected ! She , the admissions director , suggested that we work on the emotional side of our son before attending the Aspie school . We had two possibilities left . . . take a chance on one other local private school that caters to kids with special needs and tailors the curriculum to the individual student . . . ( but this came with a very high tuition cost and no financial aid ) or , our other option was to send him to a camp that cost just as much but had a loan program , and it would mean he would be away from us for six to eight weeks at a minimum . Neither option was ideal , to say the least . We opted for the local school . We had to dissolve a retirement account to fund the tuition , but we knew something like this would have to be done . We also knew that our son was not a problem child and the outbursts were simply his way of releasing his loneliness and frustrations related the the move to NC . We saw the drastic change before , but it went from being bored and being a troublemaker to being a straight A student and being excited to attend class . The change from public school to private school in Oklahoma happened almost overnight . The right teacher and setting made the biggest difference in the world . Holding on to hope with barely enough grip to keep it alive , we hoped the change would happen again with the new private school in NC . Around the second week of school , I was waiting in the carpool line to pick up my son . The teacher , " Ms . H " , started walking toward the car with her hand on my son 's shoulder . " Great , what did he do this time ? " I couldn 't help it , it was something that became a bad habit and something I wished hadn 't become a part of his schooling experience . I rolled down the window , afraid of what she was going to say . She wanted to tell me how well my son was doing in school and how well he was adapting . Huh ? Come again . . . Did she just come to the car to tell me he was doing well ? Through the puddling tears welling up in my eyes , I think I must have looked like she shot me with a stun gun because that is how I felt . She came out to the car to tell me good news ! And the best part , it has happened a few more times since then . Although it hurts every time I write the check , the tuition payment is a pill that is a heck of a lot easier to swallow knowing that my son is receiving the education that is needed for him . The relief of not having the school think my son is a problem child and that they see his potential and are able to teach accordingly is well worth the money . Once again , almost overnight , my son is excelling in school because we were fortunate enough to find the right school for where he is in his life at the moment . We recognize , too , that we are lucky to be able to find a way to make private education an option . BUT - - you don 't have to be rich to make this happen . Scholarships , financial aid . . . and even some divine intervention . The right things come along when they are needed . If you are reading this and are in the Charlotte , NC area , and want more information , please send me an e - mail and I will be happy to share what information I have . If you have a child who is being labeled as a problem , or may have issues with school , I encourage you to dig a little deeper to see if there is a school near you that will be a better fit . The difference is truly amazing and cannot be expressed in words . Disclaimer . . . ( Yes , its a repeat of the last one . . . but the blog above is new ! ) First , let me say that I am not a specialist in Asperger 's Syndrome , nor do I play one on TV . What I write or say are strictly my own personal observations and beliefs , so please do not sue me because I said something that made you do something that caused a misdiagnosis , or created a problem , or made you do something stupid . Have accountability , go see a professional , and leave my finances alone . . . besides , you really wouldn 't get much anyway , so its probably not worth your time to call the lawyer on the back of the phone book to see if you have a case . Spend that time more wisely , like figuring out how to subscribe to my blog . . . and don 't ask me about that because I 'm not even sure how it works ! Seriously , though , if some of the things I say seem like they sound very familiar in your family , set up an appointment with a true professional . While you are waiting for their callback , please , continue reading and leave a note ! per · ma · nent - [ pur - muh - nuhnt ] adjective 1 . existing perpetually ; everlasting , especially without significant change . 2 . intended to exist or function for a long , indefinite period without regard to unforeseeable conditions : a permanent employee ; the permanent headquarters of the United Nations . 3 . long - lasting or nonfading : permanent pleating ; permanent ink . Wow . . . where do I start ? My ADD brain is working overtime right now . I have so many things I want to say , but my fingers cannot type fast enough to keep up with my brain , at the moment . . . " at the moment " ? Who am I kidding ? My fingers can NEVER keep up with my brain ! Anyway , I will try to maintain a logical sequence of events for this one , but there is a very good chance I will stray somewhere along the story line . Wish me luck ( and good luck sticking with me , to you ) . As you saw , the title of this entry is " Pink underpants . " I am 6 ' 3 " and I have never thought of wearing anything that slightly resembles pink underpants . Not to say there is anything wrong with that , if you choose to do so , but pink is just not my color . Apparently , my son likes the idea of pink clothing . Well , indirectly , perhaps , but if what he did this past weekend is any indication of things to come , he better get comfortable with pink garments of all sorts . Let me give you a little bit of background information before we go too far . . . As some of you may know , my son ( and many Aspie kids ) tends to hyper - focus on things that interest him ; Star Wars , military , Legos , and most recently Formula 1 racing . On occasion , he will go back to the days of his youth and revisit his obsession with knights . A few weeks ago , he re - examined his desire to draw on clothes ( no , not just any clothing . . . these are designated to be drawn upon ) and created a knight 's shirt complete with a big red cross on the chest and back . It was an impressive drawing ; he stayed in the lines , filled all of the blank spots , and was accurate with the shape of the cross ( it looked like a " t " and not a " + " ) . As with most of his other costumes , it disappeared under his bed , in his closet , or wherever else he decides to toss the things when he doesn 't want me to gripe about cleaning up his room . Little did I know , me telling him he would have stairs if I saw any of his clothes on the floor , would lead to pink underwear . This past weekend came and went , but on Sunday my son impressed me by sorting his clothes ( that were all in the laundry basket and NOT on his floor ! ) without being asked . Nice , neat piles were waiting for me by the laundry machines . As I added my wife 's and my clothes to the mounds , the cleansing commenced . I usually double check pockets and color matches , even though my son 's sorting ability is normally fairly accurate . I believe I can trace back the timeline of events to this point as being the first bell of class . . . a lesson I chose to , unfortunately , skip this day . As with most laundry days , other things kept me from completing that oh - so - fun task in one day . We do not have so much laundry that it would normally take a day or two , but when someone with ADD ( me ) is trying to finish , it is almost guaranteed to take multiple days . . . even with just three or four loads . Anyway , Monday ( today ) comes and everyone is out of the house . . . which gives me a chance to catch up on things I did not finish during the weekend . I move in to tackle the laundry , determined to get it done befoI reached into the washer and pulled a few clothes out to throw into the dryer . My mind saw something strange , but could not wrap itself around the simple concept that was placed before my eyes . I continued the action of bending down , removing wet clothes and transferring them to the dryer while my mind continued to process what it was seeing . At first , I thought to myself , " When did I put the reds in the wash ? " Then I realized the reds were still piled on the floor , waiting to be washed . As furious as I was , I was still able to maintain my composure ( mostly ) and use my super - sleuthing skills to determine which items of garments did not belong in the whites . Needless to say , my son had included his dirty knight 's shirt - the one with the permanent red marker - in with the other , all white , clothes . In his defense , the shirt was 90 % white . . . thus his reasoning of it must go in the white pile . Once I found the now pink shirt with the expertly drawn crosses , I removed it rather quickly . . . okay , fine , I threw it in frustration , but quickly realized it was not the end of the world . Fortunately , only one good shirt was in the load , multiple pairs of socks , and a few underpants . I stood there , dumbfounded , thinking to myself , " $ # ! % , what am I going to do now ? Mom never told me what to do if something like this ever happened . . . great , now I have to think for myself . . . grrrrrr . " Apparently , I 'm smarter than the average bear . . . the whites are white again . . . and the knight 's shirt is in a different pile . - - - Update : I guess I spoke too soon . . . I just took the " whites " out of the dryer . . . yeah , um , not so white after - all . So , if anybody knows how to get pink out of white and gray clothes , please let me know . Thanks in advance . When I confronted my son about his error in judgement , he wondered how many steps he had . . . when I told him , none , because I believe he did not mean to do what he did , he said , " oh , okay , well , I don 't mind wearing pink . " On a positive note , October is breast cancer awareness month , so I suppose I could say that we are showing our support to save the tatas . Hmmm . . . now that I think about it , last Friday my son 's school had a breast cancer awareness day . . . maybe my son planned the pink load after all ! Whatever the case , he now knows , and I now know to continue double checking pockets and piles ! Oh , and don 't worry Sharpie , I still think you are the bee 's knees . . . even if you really aren 't what you say you are ! No lawsuit needed . . . First , let me say that I am not a specialist in Asperger 's Syndrome , nor do I play one on TV . What I write or say are strictly my own personal observations and beliefs , so please do not sue me because I said something that made you do something that caused a misdiagnosis , or created a problem , or made you do something stupid . Have accountability , go see a professional , and leave my finances alone . . . besides , you really wouldn 't get much anyway , so its probably not worth your time to call the lawyer on the back of the phone book to see if you have a case . Spend that time more wisely , like figuring out how to subscribe to my blog . . . and don 't ask me about that because I 'm not even sure how it works ! Seriously , though , if some of the things I say seem like they sound very familiar in your family , set up an appointment with a true professional . While you are waiting for their callback , please , continue reading and leave a note ! First , let me explain the situation / scene ; my son 's school does not have a large population of kids . In his class , there are five boys ( including my son ) and one girl . I feel sorry for the girl ! There is one other class in his grade level that has mostly girls , but they are not important at this time . . . well , let me rephrase that , since every child is important . . . you knowing about that particular class is not important to understanding this story . There . Now that I have politically corrected myself , I can resume telling you what happened . Two days ago , my son hopped into the car , after school , with enthusiasm . I asked how his day went and he immediately told me that his school was having a dance . I , of course , asked , " When ? " He said he didn 't know . . . but he was excited about it . So , I asked him if he wanted to ask someone to go to the dance with him . He shyly said yes . Who ? I asked . . . having a pretty good feeling that it was one of the girl in his class . . . and no , I did not forget the " s " in girl . . . don 't forget , I said there was only one to begin with . . . come on , stick with the group , here . Sheesh . Anyway , she was the one he wanted to ask , but he was not sure how he was going to do it . Yesterday , when my son got in the car after I picked him up from school , his first word was " October . " Of course , I asked , " What about October ? " . . . since 24 hours had passed and I had no clue what he was talking about . " The dance . The dance is in October . " he said , as if I should have known that . . . which , I probably should have , and given a few minutes I may have been able to figure it out . But I 'm a geezer , remember , and my memory ain 't what it used to be . " Oh ! " I replied . " What day in October ? " " I dunno . " he said . Hey , at least we narrowed it down to the month , right ? Moving on . . . Last night , my son asked me for advice ; he wanted to know how he should ask his classmate to go with him to the dance . I told him he should ask her one on one , not with any of his or her friends around , and just say something like , " Hi ( insert girl 's name here ) . I was wondering if you were going to the dance with anyone and if not , would you like to go with me ? " I figured , he 's 10 . . . he 's got time to learn how to be more suave , so I gave him the basics . He then asked his mother , who said something girly like , " Write her a note with the question and a check - box so she can choose yes or no . " ( Note to self - - future blog on gender differences and the pain . . . I mean , FUN . . . they bring about . ) Well , apparently , my son is smarter than I look . He did both . . . sort of . This morning , when I came downstairs to check on him , he boldly told me he was writing " the girl " a poem . Hmmm . . . not bad . I silently thought , he 's ten and already knows how to sweep them off their feet . . . and . . . oh boy , he 's writing a poem . . . this isn 't going to turn out good for anyone . Little did I know . . . One good thing about Aspie kids is their social awkwardness does not let them feel fear to interact with whatever they want to say . Their actions might not always be appropriate at the time , but ( at least in my son 's case ) , they say what is on their mind and do not think about the consequences , which may be a blessing in disguise for situations like these . In this case , I was anticipating the worst . I was already preparing for the " so you had a crash - and - burn , now get back on your feet and try again " pep talk . All I could see was this adorable little girl suddenly running to her friends , note in hand , and telling them what just happened . My son , meanwhile , would be standing there , all alone , not knowing what sort of melee was about to rain down on him . At this point , I did not know what to do , so I took the blindfold off of my little eagle , and I let him fly . I hoped I would not have to pick up the pieces of his shattered ego in the afternoon . When the time to pick up my son after school came around , I waited to see his expressions as he walked to the car . Fortunately , he did not look crushed . That was a positive sign . He got in the car , and I said , " Well ? How did it go ? " He said , " It went well . She said the teacher said that it is not that kind of a dance , that everyone just meets at the school . " Wow . . . I was impressed . This little girl knew how to let him down easily . Very impressive , I must say . I wish the girls did that for me when I was his age ! He was not disappointed , his ego was not shattered , and he was still looking forward to the dance . Sweet ! No , " pick yourself up " pep talk needed ! My son then said , " She did say that she would dance with me , though . " Cool beans ! Woohoo ! HA ! Yeah , he 's a stud . I must have taught him well . . . at least that is what I am telling myself . By the way , here 's the poem / letter . Don 't tell him I posted this . . . I 'm thinking he wouldn 't be too happy about it . . . but at least I deleted her name to avoid any paparazzi stalking her ! Disclaimer . . . ( Yes , its a repeat of the last one . . . but the blog above is new ! ) First , let me say that I am not a specialist in Asperger 's Syndrome , nor do I play one on TV . What I write or say are strictly my own personal observations and beliefs , so please do not sue me because I said something that made you do something that caused a misdiagnosis , or created a problem , or made you do something stupid . Have accountability , go see a professional , and leave my finances alone . . . besides , you really wouldn 't get much anyway , so its probably not worth your time to call the lawyer on the back of the phone book to see if you have a case . Spend that time more wisely , like figuring out how to subscribe to my blog . . . and don 't ask me about that because I 'm not even sure how it works ! Seriously , though , if some of the things I say seem like they sound very familiar in your family , set up an appointment with a true professional . While you are waiting for their callback , please , continue reading and leave a note ! First , yes , I am still here . The past few months have been filled with personal changes from dealing with a completely inept real estate agent selling our home in Oklahoma ( I might have to write a book about that experience ! ) , getting my son started in his new school , looking at many homes and bidding on one to start our anxious roots in our new state , and many other interesting events . In the coming months , we will be moving , starting a business , and trying to figure out how all of this will work . . . hopefully , a blog post or three will be thrown in there as well , but I make no promises . Without further delay , here 's what I have to say today . . . From time to time , something happens in the world that changes our lives forever . On a smaller scale , that " something " may be the day that you got half way to your best friend 's house with the Rubik 's Cube in the brown paper bag that I . . . errr . . . . you . . . found impossible to solve and decided to take it apart to piece back together in the correct colored formation , only to run back home with tears in your eyes because you lied to your mother and wanted to come clean . That , of course , is just a hypothetical example and the only people who know otherwise are my mother and myself . On a medium scale , the " something " that alters your life may be a lunatic and his young accomplice driving around in a modified vehicle , shooting people at random spots , all in the vicinity of where you work , live , and play . Unfortunately , that one is not " hypothetical " and has changed my life , and the lives of many people living in the D . C . Metro area , forever . On a larger scale ; September 11 , 2001 , December 7 , 1941 , July 20 , 1969 , July 4 , 1776 , and so on . Regardless of the outcome , positive or negative , these historical events change lives forever . I remember a time when I would go to the airport an hour early to make sure I would have enough time to find a parking space , get my bags checked in , get something to drink , and maybe eat , and still have time left to make the flight with my loved ones walking me all the way to the gate . Today , if you do not allow two , or three hours in busier airports , you are pushing your luck , and you 're lucky to get sixty seconds to say goodbye to someone at the curb of the airport before security intervenes . Forget air travel ! Even the Moon is no longer a mystery ; now we have people living in outer - space and we are exploring further out into the unknown . The Japanese are no longer our enemies after their attack on Pearl Harbor and their vehicles are among the most sold in the United States . Shift happens . . . good or bad . With the 10 year anniversary of the September 11 attacks only days away , and the media coverage going into hyper - drive with all of the documentaries and special reports being aired , thus forcing us to re - live that day ( for which , in my mind , the wounds are still healing and is too fresh in my mind to watch ) , it makes me wonder what my son 's viewpoint will be on Sunday , and what events in the future will change his life , forever . In the past 10 years , we have elected our first black president . Although this is a very significant date in American history , I do not believe this is one that will stand out in my son 's memory banks . Don 't get me wrong , the event is long overdue and momentous , but because he was so young when President Obama was elected , my son will not know the full impact of the change when it becomes his turn to vote . Regardless of your political affiliation or beliefs on President Obama 's success or lack of , you should be aware that his time in office is a pivotal point in history , because if nothing else , he is our first black President . Perhaps the first female President will be elected and that may stick with my son throughout his years . Even that is a possibility that didn 't easily exist prior to the Obama Administration . But my son won 't remember a time when either option was not an option . The way he views the Presidency is not how you or I do , simply because change happened before he became aware . My son , most likely , will not understand the full impact of September 11 , 2001 , because he was four months old when it happened . Just like I cannot fully understand the impact Vietnam had , my son is not aware of how life was before the event . My wife distinctly remembers watching the television and looking down at her innocent child . With tears clouding her vision , she wondered what kind of world she brought this child into . To him , life will always be the way it is today . That is , until a major event takes place again and alters his perspective of the world , just as 9 / 11 did for his mother and I . IRed Dawn , 1984 I wonder what events will change my son 's life forever . Is it the time he did not use two hands ( after I taught him over and over again to use two hands ! ) to catch a pop fly and the ball popped him in the mouth ? The surprised look on his face and his mouth and cheek muscles keeping his eyes from watering followed by the look of anger because I said , " See ? I told you so . I bet next time you will use two hands ! " . . . those things tell me that might be one he remembers for a long time . Maybe not . Is it the time some insecure little brat bullied him at school a few years ago ? Maybe . Maybe not . But these are all small scale items in the big picture . Here 's what I hope he might experience of this world . . . 1 . An agreement between nations to work together for a better world , despite differences , that will be signed by every nation 's leader in 2018 . . . and it actually works . 2 . The day that all extremists took it down a notch and realized that their way may not actually be the best way to live and decided to , peacefully , persuade others through the power of the pen , and not the sword . 3 . The day that people look at each other as one race ; the human race . That judgment occurs not by some shade of skin , religious beliefs , or political affiliation but based on personal actions . 4 . The day that people become accountable for their own lives and actions and stop blaming other people for their shortcomings , attitudes , and general negativeness . Unfortunately , the ones who need to do this have no idea it is them who need to change . Utopia ? Yeah , I know , wishful thinking . But , I can dream , can 't I ? If I put it out in the universe , maybe someone else will see it , act upon it , and put it back out there for others to follow . I hope my son 's memories are filled with positive world events . I hope it does not take a major horrific event like 9 / 11 to change his world . This Sunday , take a moment to remember . Take another moment to ponder what it is that you can change in yourself to help make the world a better place for everyone . The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step . Disclaimer . . . ( Yes , it 's a repeat of the last one . . . but the blog above is new ! ) First , let me say that I am not a specialist in Asperger 's Syndrome , nor do I play one on TV . What I write or say are strictly my own personal observations and beliefs , so please do not sue me because I said something that made you do something that caused a misdiagnosis , or created a problem , or made you do something stupid . Have accountability , go see a professional , and leave my finances alone . . . besides , you really wouldn 't get much anyway , so it 's probably not worth your time to call the lawyer on the back of the phone book to see if you have a case . Spend that time mPosted by I was the typical jock of the 80 's generation . Wild hair ( yes , I had hair at one point ) , a love of punk rock , a healthy displeasure for any authority figure , and a strong desire to prove I knew what I was doing and that I was always right . Then I grew up . . . realized I was rarely 100 % right , love Norah Jones , and have retired the cleats after destroying my knee in a soccer game . Please read my disclaimer in the " Interests " section . |
Two posts in the same week from me ? It 's been a while ; my apologies . I know multiple new posts from me are unheard of ( despite my many resolutions ) ; something great must be happening . Suffice it to say that on December 31 , 2016 , I let myself hit rock bottom ( which is somewhat appropriate , bottoming out on the very last day of the year ) . I was the fattest I 'd ever been and was utterly alone aside from the cat , which does little if anything to make the situation better . It was the first New Year 's Eve I remember ever being alone , and as a result , I went to bed well before midnight and completely missed the dawn of the new year . I mean , I was struggling to keep my eyes open at 9 pm . My newly optimistic ( like the throwback to the title of the post ? I 'm clever in 2017 ! ) foundation was rocked severely when a tragedy struck my workplace just as we all welcomed the new year ; a sixteen - year - old revolutionary , a young woman who was as brave and confident and smart as anyone I have ever had the privilege of meeting , passed away suddenly , unexpectedly . The death of someone so young is tragic for so many reasons ; it feels like the death of hope , and it 's a stark reminder that the future 's never promised or guaranteed . And this young lady in particular is a most grievous loss because she personified promise and potential . She was never hesitant to give her opinion , which was most definitely a good thing , because she was fucking smart . She had purple hair , she was enrolled in the AP Language course as a junior , she participated in Drama Club in such a delightful , enthralling way , and she just really lived - she gave life a run for its money in her brief time on this spinning globe in a way most of us never will . Now , the old me ( sorry for the seemingly cheesy and inauthentic avalanche of bullshit you may be anticipating now that I 've used that phrase ; but PLEASE stay with me because I 've never been more REAL in my ENTIRE life ) would have eaten my feelings and grotesquely used personal tragedy as an excuse to stuff my face and not move . I would have stayed as I am because it 's easy to simplistically label the world a cruel place and want nothing more to do with anything of it . It 's a defense mechanism to disengage and not try , and my juvenile and unhealthy tendency to revert to dramatics when shocked or rattled has always enabled me to return to this defensive mindset . Sure , shitty things happen ; that 's life . But that 's not all there is , so I embraced the future . I reminded myself that life isn 't as simple as good or bad . A life can 't truly be measured until it 's over , so I planned on continuing to try new things and make changes because my life isn 't over . So I applied to the St . Augustine Mentor - Author Workshop . It 's pretty exclusive ; you have to apply before you can register , and it 's a small - group atmosphere with the specific intention of helping accepted authors get published by a commercial publishing houses . The cost to attend and participate is nearly $ 3 , 000 ( which I certainly don 't have ) but I thought I 'd apply anyway so I could say I tried and , obviously , I didn 't think I 'd be accepted . The ONLY problem is the cost , so I became really ballsy and started a GoFundMe campaign . Now , I hate asking ANYONE for ANYTHING ( especially money ; people get weird about money ) but I had WONDERFUL SUPPORT from so many friends , and I currently have 3 , 649 people who have " Liked " my Author page on Facebook - if each individual gave just $ 1 . 00 , I 'd more than make my goal . And I need to say I tried ; if I fail , fine - but I have to try . So I made the GoFundMe page on January 5th , around 5 pm . Making the campaign was surprisingly quick and easy . I also e - mailed Michael Neff from the St . Augustine Author - Mentor Workshop to ask about the last day to register so I could develop a calendar , a timeline ( the actual event is at the very end of February ) . I 'm still waiting for a response , but I am ENTHRALLED to announce that my campaign TOOK OFF ! Before I went to bed that night - THE FIRST NIGHT - I was nearly one - third of the way to my goal ! Friends , family , former students , people I 've lost touch with have ALL donated in amounts from $ 5 . 00 to $ 300 . 00 ! I am COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED by the generosity . love and support from so many different people . The love is UNREAL . I feel like George Bailey from " It 's A Wonderful Life . " I 'm really starting to believe this could be the beginning of something NEW and AMAZING and BETTER . I NEVER thought the GoFundMe idea would work as well as it has so far . At the time of this post , I currently have $ 1 , 870 . 00 of $ 3 , 000 . 00 . And it 's all because I took a risk and asked the universe . And I 'm thinking it 's also because of Mollie Belasco , the young lady who passed , and her inspiring , wondrous , and all too brief life . Frank Turner was already loosening his tie as he slowly trudged back to his desk after having been out of the office for five days on a business trip . He 'd been out of the state as well , far out on the Western coast . He threw his briefcase thoughtlessly , almost recklessly , onto his desk , not giving a good shit about the papers or mug or the entire cornucopia of supplies that made up office living ; no , office survival . Assorted supplies and a picture frame went tumbling to the carpeted floor , making enough of a commotion that most of the co - workers within ear shot turned and looked with shocked , anxious expressions . " What 's the deal , Frank ? " hissed Nicole through gritted teeth . She raised her eyebrows for emphasis , to impress upon Frank that a cool , calm and collected demeanor was highly valued in the work environment and currently , he was none of those things . She was going to continue scolding , but one look at Frank 's pale , contorted face was enough to shut her up . " I 'm sick , " Frank moaned . " I 'm real sick . I think I might die . " His last words came out as a half - strangled sob . His emotions and all of the thoughts raging inside him overcame him , and Frank slumped into his chair and let his head fall to the desk cradled only by his thin , trembling arms . He was sobbing unabashedly , weeping like a woman . He offered no reply , but cried and cried , big heaving sobs . The shocked , anxious faces of their coworkers were creeping closer now , crowding in around them like morbid looky loos at a car accident . Nicole felt the uncomfortable pressure of their presence and immediately resented it . She sprang into action and collected the garbage pail beside her desk before quickly moving to Frank 's side and dropping to one knee . She rubbed his lower back and said , " Frank , please , you 've got to talk to me . Calm down and let me help you , if I can . " " I 'm gonna be sick , " Frank bellowed . Abruptly , he fled from his chair and left it spinning as he hurried to the men 's room . Nicole rose to a standing position slowly , using most of her energy for thinking . With Frank 's physical presence removed , the uproar began to die down and the small space was soon filled with keyboard clicks , murmured conversations and ringing telephones . Nicole had been waiting for just such a return to normalcy and once it arrived , she discreetly strolled to the men 's room . She looked to her left and right to see if anyone was watching - no one was - and then ducked inside . There was a moment of stunned violence . Then Frank 's heavy , subdued voice said , " This is the men 's room , Nicole . You can 't be in here . " Nicole smiled weakly but Frank didn 't see ; he was locked in the farthest stall opposite the farthest urinal . She took two steps forward , emboldened by his rationality . " Frank , it 's okay . I 'm just here to talk to you and check on you . What is going on , man ? You 're acting … , " she paused , searching for the right word while trying to be delicate , but all she came up with was , " crazy . You 're acting crazy . " With a little bit of an edge , she said , " You have to let me know what 's going on , Frank . You can 't just barge into the office all hysterical and expect me not to want to know why , or expect to not try to help you . " Nicole took a breath and softened . " I 've been sitting across from you for six years , Frank . You can talk to me . " There was only silence and Nicole was afraid all was lost . She slapped her open palm on the wall of the stall nearest her and turned , ready to walk out and leave the little shit to figure out whatever was ailing him on his own . She stopped and turned back when she heard the click of shoes on tile . Rounding the corner of the line of stalls , Nicole saw Frank emerge from the last stall . He was sweaty and pale and entirely disheveled . He looked like he was in agony , in absolute misery , and Nicole 's heart hurt at the pitiful sight . His eyes were red - rimmed and his eyebrows were furrowed . The lines of his face were hard and sharp ; whatever it was plaguing Frank Turner , he was in it . He looked to Nicole . " You 'll think I 'm crazy . " Nicole smiled in a small way , this time so Frank could see . She hoped it would diffuse some of the tension . " Try me , " she encouraged . Nicole was shocked into laughter . Not wanting to be insensitive , she quickly recovered and covered her mouth . She leveled her gaze at Frank with a very serious expression . " You 're going to have to explain . " Frank 's immediate response was to turn and retreat into the bathroom stall he had so recently exited . Nicole thought he was crazy , Nicole had laughed him , and so would everyone else . He had never felt more alone , and therefore more terrified , in his entire life . He collapsed onto the porcelain throne without an ounce of royalty about him , and then allowed his body to fall to the left , resting against the stall wall . He started crying again ; what else was there to do ? Nicole knew she had fucked up , so she walked slowly but with purpose towards Frank 's stall . She paused just before the open door and only poked her head into the stall . " I 'm sorry , Frank . Your response wasn 't anything I was expecting , that 's all . I didn 't know what else to do , so I laughed . I 'm an asshole , I know . " Frank stared at her in complete agony and misery , and Nicole 's brain became fixated on the phrase " man on fire . " Frank looked like he was burning alive and in a grim way she would never admit aloud , Nicole thought that might be fitting given what he had just confessed to her . Frank only stared , he said nothing , so Nicole took a few more steps into the stall . She kneeled before Frank . " Please tell me what happened . " Frank swallowed hard and then gasped for air . Was he burning or drowning ? Did it matter ? So long as there was pain , did the intensity of that pain validate or nullify its own existence ? Frank didn 't want to think , so he decided to talk and to occupy himself with the explanation , the wondrous , fantastical explanation that was simultaneously horrifying and terrifying so that Nicole wouldn 't even believe him . But what else was there to do ? Just cry ? Frank closed his eyes , stayed slumped against the stall 's wall and said , " The first night there , after some bullshit ice - breaker workshop , they served a really nice dinner . I 'm talking lobster and baked potatoes and hors d ' oeuvres I can 't pronounce . I was looking to chow down , but I wasn 't really looking to make friends , so I claimed a table in a far corner and was perfectly content to be alone . It was an open bar , too . I was gonna stuff my face , drink until I was dizzy , and then stumble back to the room and call it a successful first night . I had a plan , " Frank insisted as his voice shook . He used his sleeve to wipe his eyes and nose . He sniffed loudly before continuing his story . " But this guy , this fucking guy , comes and sits right next to me . I mean , goddam , he was practically on my lap . And he 's all smiley and greasy in a three - piece suit that was more than my monthly mortgage payment , and he was so good - looking . I know it 's weird that I noticed that , but think about how physically perfect this guy had to be for me to notice and to fucking be impressed . " He sobbed loudly . " I admit it , I was impressed . As creeped out as I was by his obvious lack of concern for personal space , I was so impressed . His teeth were white and straight , and his hair was elegantly and fashionably disheveled , like he used a fucking ruler to determine what strand fell where . Looking back , I realize how precise and calculated it all was , how awfully manipulative , but in the moment , it was all effortless and … and , " he struggled momentarily for just the right word but finally decided on " cool . He was just cool . " Suddenly , Frank rocketed forward and let his forearms rest on his thighs . His posture was still all tight and jerky , and his expression was grotesque in its suffering . " I wanted to be him , you know ? When he started talking , I wanted to just nod politely and blow him off , not encourage him in anyway . But within five minutes , I was fucking captivated , man . I was laughing and he was laughing , and then he was slapping me on the back and we just kept drinking and laughing and drinking and laughing . " He covered his face with his hands and cried . Nicole was wide - eyed and confused . Was Frank about to come out to her ? He had a wife and kids , and Nicole wasn 't sure if she was worthy or responsible enough for the burden of such a weighty secret . She was about to just walk out and let fate take its course , whatever course that may be , but Frank inhaled sharply and kept talking . " I laughed and told him I was too drunk for introspection , but he persisted , he was insistent . So I told him I 'd love to make a million bucks . I 'd pay off the house and credit card bills , set Dennis and Jenny up for college at least a little bit , and take Michele somewhere really nice that she 'd never been before , like Paris or Rome or something . He asked to see pictures of my family and like a goddam fool I handed them over without a second thought . He looked at them , and this was the first time I noticed something was off because he didn 't just look at them , but he really fucking studied them . He brought the pictures up real close to his face and tried to bore into their souls . I kind of snatched the picture back and was all determined to bid adieu when he tells me he can make it happen . He told me he could give me a million dollars , no questions asked . " Nicole squinted her eyes skeptically . " You believed him ? " She was starting to believe that Frank was in some real financial trouble now , maybe he got robbed blind in some kind of scheme , and she was in no position to help . She 'd had Ramen noodles for dinner the past month . " I was drunk ! " Frank roared defensively . " I didn 't know what to think , so I entertained the idea and I kept talking . He said there was only one catch , that I only had to do one thing once I had the money . " Frank swallowed hard again and finally met Nicole 's gaze . He was white as a ghost with a green tinge around his edges , like he could spew vomit any moment . " I 'd have to kill someone I loved , " Frank said . His voice was cold and without tone or rhythm ; it was mechanic and robotic , like he was saying something he 'd rehearsed . " And if I didn 't , he would . He said he would kill someone I loved . Then he started laughing like a fucking lunatic and promised I could keep the money either way . All I had to do was shake his hand . " Frank broke down again and Nicole moved to rub his back . She tried to hush him , tried to soothe him , but it seemed futile . His wracking sobs caused his body to heave and Nicole thought he might just pass out from the effort . " Yes ! " Frank exploded . " Isn 't it fucking obvious that I did ? " He screamed in desperation , in fear , just a guttural , animal noise . " When I looked into his eyes to see if he was for real , something happened to me , Nicole . So I tried to look somewhere else , and I did , but only for a second . There was this odd birthmark on his wrist that caught my attention . It was all red and lumpy but kind of small . It was circular but had lines inside it . It might have made sense and been decipherable but I felt like I had to look in his eyes . I looked back up and … I can 't explain it and you wouldn 't believe me even if I could explain it , but something happened to me . It was my body that shook his hand , but it wasn 't me . Does that make sense ? How could I agree to something like that ? It wasn 't me . " Frank was pleading his case , desperate for Nicole to believe him . He needed some kind of validation . But Nicole was becomingly increasingly suspicious and terrified . Had Frank killed someone ? Was that where the extreme emotional display was coming from , some sort of unimaginable guilt ? The only thing keeping her in the stall was the very plausible possibility that Frank was confused or wrong . What in the hell kind of a story was he telling , anyway ? She leaned away from him , but she asked , " So what happened next , Frank ? " He had collapsed his chest onto his thighs . " I shook his hand and he laughed but it was scary . I knew I had to leave so I high - tailed it back to my room and just collapsed into bed . I slept in my suit and everything . " He looked up at Nicole . " The next morning , when I was sober , I showered and dressed and drank about a gallon of strong coffee , and I found the guy responsible for registration . He had a whole list of names of everyone who was there from every firm . I told him the guy propositioned me to kill someone for him , that the guy was dangerous . He asked me the guy 's name , and I told him , and he checked his list . He checked his list over and over with me standing right there and there was no Lou Sever on the list . He even let me check . When I couldn 't find anything , he said it was probably someone just fucking around and went about his business like nothing was wrong . " " I couldn 't , Nicole ; I wasn 't even sure if the guy existed , " Frank said with disgust . He was unsure at the moment if he was disgusted with himself or Nicole . He supposed it could have been both . " So I went to the workshops that day , every single one even if I wasn 't technically signed up , and I looked for this guy . I searched high and low , talked to people and asked questions . I hung around the hotel bar like some pathetic loser , just waiting and watching for him to reappear . But he never did , Nicole . I never saw him again . " Frank laughed but without humor . " You would think so , especially when there was over a million dollars in my checking account . There were no recent transactions listed in my account summary and when I went to the bank , they all acted like I was insane , like the money had always been there . Michele called me and she was ecstatic . I tried to explain to her what kind of money this was , dangerous money with no sort of trail , but she was already on the way to spending it . And the worst part , the absolute worst part , is that she kept thanking me , like I had worked hard , or done something noble and righteous for this sudden windfall , but I didn 't , Nicole . I didn 't do anything good for that money . " His head fell into his hands . " You didn 't do anything at all , Frank , " Nicole said . " You just shook some sick fuck 's hand while you were drunk . You tried to give the money back , or at least investigated , but everything was working in your favor . " Nicole grinned . " Maybe it 's a reward . " " Not from a guy like that , " Frank protested with a deep pout pulling his lips down . " There 's no reward . For a few days , I thought like you , like maybe it was all gonna come up roses or something , I don 't know . I was almost happy flying home , and I let myself think about the future and how easy life would be . It was gonna be so nice , " Frank sobbed . He wiped at his eyes furiously . " But when I got home , Nicole , nothing was easy or nice . It was all completely fucked . " " Michele took Dennis to the hospital because he was real sick . It was sudden and devastating and they 're saying he won 't make it . And he has a new fucking birthmark on his wrist , " Frank said , looking to Nicole with dead , empty eyes . " He has it , Jenny has it , Michele has it , I have it . We 're all going to die . " " Frank , be serious , " Nicole pleaded . Her voice quivered in its weakness and she kept backing up until her back slammed against the cool , tiled wall of the men 's room . " You just … we need - " It 's been over two months since the last time I posted , and there 's nothing I want more than to tell you I 've been doing wonderfully interesting things , that I 've been really and truly living . But that would be a hyperbole . I 've been alive , yes , and I 've done some fun things , yes , but nothing that should keep me from writing . I haven 't lost any weight , but I have gained some . I haven 't really been trying , as I 've felt mostly unmotivated and uninspired lately . Is this summertime sadness ? Is this some looming emotional , existential crisis that has finally landed ? Am I just melodramatic ? Rather than answer these questions , I usually eat a bag of potato chips ( the ones that say " Family Size " ) and fall asleep on my couch . I think a duck must have a perfect life . They just float on , no matter if the water is calm or choppy . They can take off and fly whenever they want . If the only dunk their heads in the water , they have food . It 's simple and free , and I am envious . The school year ended on a high note . The senior events I was charged with helping to plan ( Mr . Manchester , Senior Prom , graduation ) all went off without a hitch . I am proud of the work I 've done . I really need to use my upstairs more . I don 't have central air though , so during the summer , the temperature is almost unbearable up there . So I 'm in pretentiously self - proclaimed " office , " but it 's dark in here . It 's really dark in my house . I 'll say it 's to keep it cool , since I don 't have central air , but in all honesty , it 's because I 've been too broke to afford light bulbs and now that I do have money , I 'm simply too lazy to buy some and replaced the old ones . The literary agent who requested the first fifty pages rejected me , but my original publisher is still thinking about it . What 's that saying , when God closes a door , He opens a window ? I 'm feeling ambivalent to everything , mostly because I 'm sunburned and it hurts so I 'm cranky . When school was in session , I realized that the worst thing about leaving my house each weekday morning wasn 't having to bid adieu to my comfortable bed and its cozy covers , but that I miss the early sunlight streaming through the windows and lighting the wooden floors . It 's beautiful , and I was sad I could never just sit and admire it . But now I can . I think that 's how life is supposed to work . I do this thing sometimes where I just sit in my car . I might leave the engine running , or I might shut it off , but either way , I sit in the driver 's seat , scrolling through the social media garbage on my phone or playing Tetris . It 's wasting time , one of the most precious gifts , and I hate it . I don 't know why I do it . Is it exhaustion ? Is it moodiness ? I abhor how lazy I am . I had an idea for a scene for my third novel , but the details have faded . I remember it had something to do with a modest , upstairs library and someone watching on anxiously as someone else carefully surveyed the titles . I wanted to throw in visiting a favorite author 's grave , but there was definitely more to it , like dancing or something ? I need to write things down more often … obviously . I 've been in a miserable sort of funk , so I 'm endeavoring to change my life . My friend thinks I need to be comfortable alone before I can be comfortable with someone . She recommended hiking , picnicking , wine on the beach , seeing movies , and getting coffee . I also think I should leave the state . I 've been dying to go to Key West in Florida . This summer , I 've decided to dismantle myself from the inside out , rebuilding to be more carefree , more creative , more in love with myself and less dependent on others . Some days , I have to talk myself into getting out of the shower , and even then , I change into pajamas . So , here 's an excerpt from the novel I 'm working on . You should hit " play " on the video that follows now , so you can have a soundtrack . Ironically , the song playing is not the one I quote in the paragraph that follows . I wish I knew why I do the things that I do . Kelly dropped the box filled with odds and ends concerning the kitchen with an exaggerated , dramatic sigh of relief . The box landed on Charlotte 's tiny , cheaply and poorly made kitchen table , a piece of furniture she had salvaged from her grandmother 's home , a piece that had likely been in the home for forty years - a horrible blend of Formica and putrid pastels . For a moment , Charlotte had been hopeful the weight of the box would crush the table and put the ugly thing out of its misery , but she had no such luck . She watched Kelly similarly drop herself into a chair , sweaty and tired from a day spent moving , a day of manual labor . " I don 't want to do this anymore , " she whined . " I think so , " Charlotte said . She knew damn well that she did , but she was playing it cool for no other reason than it was a habit turned instinct . It was irrational - there was no way Kelly would give a shit about how those cards came to be in Charlotte 's possession , or how seeing those cards made Charlotte 's dumb heart skip a beat even now , even though she was nearly 1 , 000 miles away . Kelly 's face of thoughtful concentration broke into a youthful smile of excitement . " Well , shoot - I 've got beer and some of them crisps . How 's ' bout you and me play us a few rounds of cards ? " " Sure , " Charlotte smiled . Kelly scurried back to her neighboring apartment to scrounge up some beer and some snacks , and Charlotte headed to her bedroom . At the foot of her bed , upon the creaky floor , sat a box labeled , " PERSONAL . " It had been the only box Charlotte had personally moved , had tucked discreetly in her car and carried hurriedly across the threshold of her new apartment , lest anyone should see and ask about the contents , most of which meant absolutely nothing to anyone except Charlotte ( hence the label ) . It wasn 't filled with lingerie or vibrators or dirty pictures or anything like that . The contents only embarrassed Charlotte because of their innocence , because only a prude would cling to a random assortment of objects that reminded her of people who had long since removed themselves from her life , or had been removed for any number of offenses . The items in the box would mean nothing to a passerby and that embarrassed Charlotte , like there was something shameful and almost juvenile about being anything but obvious . She squatted somewhat uncomfortably to delicately open the box , lovingly unfold the flaps so that she had complete access to some of her memories , so that the majority of the contents were visible . Charlotte only needed to scan the contents for a few seconds before she found the deck of cards , quaintly contained in cardboard , beaten up from a few years of handling . A smile splayed itself unabashedly upon her lips as she reached into the box the same way a heart surgeon would reach into her patient 's chest cavity . With the same kind of epic patience , she removed the playing cards from the box and began walking back to the kitchen . The youthful , exuberant smile quickly became nostalgic and sad . The playing cards were white with silver , loopy hearts decorating their backs . The hearts were cute , sure , but there was nothing remarkable about their appearance . They were a treasured item for Charlotte only because of the way the cards came to be in her possession . A few years ago , Charlotte had fallen in love with a beautiful , brilliant , and broken man . As a result , she had developed a constant need to be around him , to be close to him , and so , she invited him everywhere . One night , she invited him back to her hotel room after a work conference . She and her colleagues had all been drinking for quite some time , right up until the lights came up for last call . The beautiful , broken man had joined them at the bar , at Charlotte 's request , of course . Charlotte had always envied the sort of effortless grace that surrounded him , the way he could suddenly appear anywhere at anytime and be welcomed and accepted . When he strolled into the bar without fanfare or pomp and circumstance , without having attended any of the conference because of a prior commitment , Charlotte was breathless with awe . It was like something of a horribly cheesy and romantic movie made for network television ; he could have been walking in slow motion beneath a burning spotlight towards a strategically placed wind machine . The fact that he was walking towards Charlotte smiling was wonderful and she was so happy she could burst apart . She never ever wanted her time with him to end , and her colleagues and friends didn 't want to stop drinking , so a select few decided to buy some beer and return to Charlotte 's room . She turned to her beautiful , broken man and invited him . He played it cool - he was always so goddamn cool - and didn 't really answer one way of the other . Even when they were walking back to the hotel , just across the street , he wouldn 't accept or outright reject the invitation . When he climbed into his car , a lump formed in Charlotte 's throat . She would let him go and hide her disappointment , try and play it cool , so her parting words asked that if he did come , to bring playing cards . He waved somewhat dismissively and drove away . The copious amounts of alcohol she had consumed kept Charlotte 's mood from dipping too low and she scampered back to the hotel among friends , arm in arm , with high spirits . About twenty minutes later , there was a booming knock at the hotel room door . It sounded particularly authoritative and Charlotte was worried it was the cops . Were they being too loud ? Her one friend raced to the bathroom to hide while the other pressed herself further into the bed , as if the mattress could swallow her whole and conceal her . They had left Charlotte to answer the door and so she did , despite feeling suddenly and incredibly nauseous . She opened it and saw no one . No one was there . Looking to the left revealed her beautiful , broken man . He was leaning against the hallway wall like some leading man from Hollywood . His arm was bent at the elbow so he had one hand behind his head and rested his weight against the wall through the point of that bent elbow . His right leg was crossed behind the left one and the toes were pointed down at the plush carpet . In his other hand , he twirled a pack of playing cards . He was smiling , quite pleased with himself and the effect it all had on Charlotte . There was certainly something gorgeous about him , something more than his appearance . His demeanor drove her wild - she would never able to pull off such an entrance , but he had . But nothing had come of it . He was with some woman with a checkered past and too much makeup . Charlotte 's grandma was worsening , and so she had left it all , run away . But she kept the playing cards to remind herself that for one night , she had gotten exactly what she had wanted , that she had been perfectly happy . The cards symbolized possibility - if it happened once , couldn 't it happen again ? Tagged : Adulthood , Advice , Alabama , Alcohol , alive , Amanda and Jack Palmer , Amanda Palmer , Appearance , Art , Aspirations , Aspiring Author , Aspiring Authors , Aspiring Writer , Aspiring Writers , Author , Authors , Avid Authors , Avid Reader , Avid Readers , Avid Writer , Avid Writers , Bad Wine & Lemon Cake , Beer , Blog , Blogs , Books , Broke , broken men , Cancer , Car , Career , central air , Challenges , Choices , Cinema , clean sheets , Coffee , Colleagues , Creative Writer , Creative Writers , Creative Writing , Creativity , Decisions , Depression , Desire , Diet , Disappointment , Doubts , Drinking , ducks , electric bill , Employment , exaggeration , Excerpt , Excuses , Exercise , Expectations , Explosions , Failures , Faith , Fans , Fantasies , Fiction , Film , Fireworks , Florida , Food , freedom , Friends , Frustrations , Future , Garden State , Goals , Good Advice , Graduation , Gratitude , grudges , Health , Heartbreak , Her Beautiful Monster , High School , Hiking , Home , hot showers , hyperbole , Imaginative Writer , Imaginative Writers , Imaginative Writing , Insecurities , Inspiration , intimacy , iPhone , Jealous , Jealousy , Jeep , Jersey Girl , Jersey Shore , Job , Keep Trying , Key West , Lana Del Rey , laughing , laziness , Lazy , Life , light bulbs , Literary Agent , Living , Loneliness , Lonely , Love , Lyrics , Mandi Bean , Manuscript , Martin Sisters Publishing , mementos , Memories , Mental Health , Money , Moody Blue , Moon , morning light , Movies , Moving , Music , New Jersey , New Novel , Nostalgia , Novel , Novelist , Novels , Optimism , Passion , picnicking , Plans , playing cards , Popular Culture , potato chips , pride , Problems , prom , publishing , Quotes , Read , Reader , Readers , Reading , Regret , Rejection , Relationships , Romance , romanticizing , Running , Sad , Sadness , Second Novel , senior year , Sex , Sickness , soccer , Songs , Summer , Summertime Sadness , sunburn , Sweat , Tetris , The Jane Austen Argument , Uninspired , Unmotivated , Updates , upstairs , weight gain , Weight Loss , wine on the beach , Work , Worry , Write , Writer , Writer 's Block , Writers , Writing , Writing Career On the point being to keep trying . Publis " In the stories , though , it 's worth it . Always worth it to have tried , even if you fail , even if you fall like a meteor forever . Better to have flamed in the darkness , to have inspired others , to have lived , than to have sat in the darkness , cursing the people who borrowed , but did not return , your candle . " I 've come to the conclusion that I 'm a terrible adult . It seems that I never fold laundry , I owe everyone money , I always forgot to check the mail , and I 'm constantly drinking spoiled milk . On good days , I am able to convince myself that these minor defeats give me character and make me interesting ; they give me something to write about . My author page on Facebook has been experiencing more activity than usual , and I want to capitalize by composing a riveting , engaging blog post , but I 've been lacking inspiration . I 've also been lacking motivation . I haven 't written anything . I haven 't graded anything . My twin sister returned to rehab a week ago today . I try to remind myself that relapse , whether or not anyone likes it , is a part of recovery . I force myself to consider the alternative , about where else she 'd be if she wasn 't trying to get help . Neither scenario does much to lessen the disappointment , the frustration , the anger , or the sadness . It 's a gross , turbulent mess of emotions that I 'm trying to compartmentalize and shrink so that they can be better processed and dealt with appropriately . But it 's hard ; it 's so hard . " Because , perhaps , if this works , they will remember him . All of them will remember him . His name will … become synonymous with … love . And my name will be forgotten . I am willing to pay that price … . " That wasn 't entirely true , what I said earlier , about not having written anything . I 've written some things , but nothing I 've been thrilled with or necessarily proud of . I worry my writing - the themes , the characters , the dialogue - is repetitive . I worry I 've written all of this before , and that might be because the object of my affection is every character I 've ever written , is the epitome of every romantic fantasy I 've ever had , and so it all comes back to him in one way or another . What 's especially troubling , and simultaneously amazing about being a writer , is that I invented this man before he appeared before me in the flesh ( talk about a god complex , huh ? ) . In college , before I had ever met this man , I started a novel and wrote , " He couldn 't watch her fawn over another man , couldn 't tell her how he felt because it was too late and he 'd ruin it for her . " Swap the genders of the pronouns and I am my own prophet . It 's crazy ; I said everything I should have said to him years before I met him . How depressing . But I don 't think I 'd really go so dark . It 's easy to not consider anyone or anything else other than my own wants and desires , but that doesn 't make it right . It 's difficult to do what is right , at least sometimes . I love 80 's culture ; movies , music , fashion - all of it . I 'm something like a girl anachronism , born 18 years too late . I should have come of age in that decade of magic , of decadence . It was the last era of wholesomeness ( even despite the extravagance ) . Things really seemed possible then . One of the greatest artistic - and yes , I used the word " artistic " - endeavors from that decade is the movie " Pretty in Pink . " I wrote a blog post two years ago about when I met Andrew McCarthy and was irrevocably charmed . He was intelligent , charismatic , and incredibly talented . Because of my undying affection for the actor , I can honestly say I 've seen that film close to twenty times . One such time was Wednesday night , when a good friend and I traveled close to an hour to watch the movie on the big screen . The film was released for a brief second time to commemorate its 30th anniversary . We knew the lines , we knew the plot , and we knew the music . What sense did it make to pay to see the film ? One could argue it did not make any sense at all , but then again , I was shocked to see how many others had traveled to see a movie they 'd already seen . I have always had a decidedly human problem of thinking my inclinations and hobbies are unique and singular and special . I 'm proven wrong time and time again , but in frustratingly human fashion , I 'm still always surprised when I realize my passions are shared . At any rate , the film as was entertaining as ever , and there was something thrilling about seeing it on the big screen . I could imagine I hadn 't missed my favorite decade , that it was opening weekend and I was enjoying it all in real time for the first time . In danger of overdosing on nostalgia that was never really mine to begin with , my good friend leaned over and asked me if I ever had a " Duckie " while attending high school . For those of you who may not know , Duckie is a character from the film . He 's hopelessly , shamelessly , desperately , and even embarrassingly devoted to his best friend , madly in love and utterly heartbroken over the unrequited nature of the relationship . He admits he would die for her , stands by and patiently suffers as she chases after another guy , and even lets her go so she can fulfill her wildest , romantic dreams while his remain unfulfilled . It may not be as traumatic and dramatic as all that , but forgive me ; I have never had a Duckie . I 've always been the friend in the background , lingering and pining secretly - sometimes creepily - for a friend I never really had a chance with . I remember at one high school dance , I was asked by a mutual friend to break up with her boyfriend for her ; a boy who was my close friend and whom I had been crushing on fairly seriously . Why I agreed to be the harbinger of such devastation I 'll never know . Maybe it was because I was eager for any excuse to talk to the boy , and maybe because such an episode could escalate and strengthen the friendship . I hope it was because I wanted him to hear it from me , a real friend , because I could soften the blow and handle the whole thing delicately , properly . Whatever the reason , I took a deep breath to steady myself , to prepare myself , and left the gymnasium . I stepped out of the double doors and into the bright hallway , blinking against the harsh fluorescent lights . I looked for my friend , and he wasn 't hard to find . He had tried to hide himself on the far side of a short but wide trophy case , but his long legs stuck out . He was sitting on the gross floor with his back against the uncomfortable and random brick wall . He was opposite the refreshment table , but despite the flurry of activity , he was looking down at the dirty floor with a can of soda clutched in his hand . He was out there all alone and looking especially despondent , like he already knew what was coming . I breathed a small sigh of relief ; my job would be easier . I walked over and sat beside him . " Oh , " I said . I was slightly dismayed by the building , awkward silence . I looked down at my hands and tried to think of what else to say . I don 't remember the rest of the conversation , but I remember we had a good time . So while being Duckie can be limiting and heartbreaking , it 's also pretty awesome because being a friend is awesome . Sometimes a friend is all a person needs . A new academic year has started , but I am mostly unsure as to how this makes me feel . I 'm excited for the return to normalcy and to see coworkers and students on a regular basis . However , I am sure I will miss lounging and will soon loathe the stress the school year inevitably brings . However , my friend is reading a book all about mind set , which emphasizes the axiom that life is 10 % what happens to an individual , and 90 % how the individual reacts to events and circumstances and whatnot . I 've been a notoriously awful " over - reactor . " Perhaps a resolution for the academic year should be to stay positive and patient . Eliot Edwards ( there was always something inherently to be respected about a man with two first names ) rose beside his client as the honorable judge had instructed , as both men prepared for the verdict . Eliot was cool , calm , and collected ; his breath did not hitch as it entered and exited the two air sacks called lungs . His hands did not tremble as he loosely clasped them in front . He looked poised and professional , just as he always did . Remarkably , the same could be said of the man beside , the supposed delinquent known as Harvey Miller . For just about a month , Eliot and Harvey had been seated behind an elongated wooden table , listening to eyewitness testimony , and the coroner 's findings , and statements from detectives that seemed to prove that Harvey had brutally raped and then murdered four - year - old Lindsey Morris . The state would have a member of the jury believe that Harvey pulled alongside the little girl 's front yard in his work van , casually rolled down the window , and called out her . Merrily , happily , the beautiful , innocent girl skipped over and politely listened as Harvey explained that he was lost , and that his poor , poor puppy in the back was sick and needed a doctor and special medicine . In her opening statement , the prosecutor took care to meticulously describe the way the little girl 's face most likely trembled with concern for the puppy and was consumed with an overwhelming - and irresponsible - desire to help . Willingly , with minimal coercing because Lindsey came from a nice neighborhood with respectable , hard - working families living and loving in modest ranch - style homes , she would have climbed inside . Most likely , she jabbered somewhat incoherently to Harvey , asking about the puppy and what was wrong and where he was from and what kind of car she was in . As a result , Lindsey would have been woefully unprepared when she was led into the woods , holding onto a hand for comfort and reassurance and safety , knocked down , stripped and violated . It was an unspeakable crime , and thinking over the lurid details often turned Eliot 's stomach . He would look at Harvey , try to bore into the other man 's soul , to evaluate whether or not he was truly guilty . Eliot didn 't think any human being could be capable of such apathy , of such inhumanity , but these things happened . Harvey wasn 't overly altruistic , but he wasn 't irrational or unkempt or anything like a madman . He seemed normal and even - keeled . Sure , he had some dark moments in his past - an aggressive and physical altercation with his high school principal , and questionable accusations from several ex - girlfriends - but nothing that would precede such monstrosity as the rape and murder of an innocent child . Eliot would not invite Harvey out for drinks or into his home , but a slightly uneasy feeling did not make someone guilty of murder . As Harvey and Eliot stood , awaiting Harvey 's fate , Eliot felt fairly confident the jury would agree . Most of the evidence had been circumstantial and there was no DNA evidence to speak of . Granted Harvey had not been able to provide an airtight alibi for afternoon and evening in question , but the defense readily admitted Harvey was no saint and liked to tip the bottle back more of than not . As such , memory lapses were common . The jury foreman began reading the verdict sheet and Eliot knew his mind should be in the present , willing the juror to say " not guilty , " but he was troubled by a fact which had troubled just about everyone else involved in the case , cop and victim and lawyer alike . Despite a thorough canvas of the crime scene and sweep of Harvey 's van and essentially ransacking Lindsey 's home , no one had been able to find her beloved turtle pin . Lindsey had received the pin from her oldest brother , and he had bought it especially for Lindsey from the zoo during a class trip . Lindsey was never without the pin - even wore it to bed when her mother 's typically watchful eye missed it . Everyone believed whoever had the pin now must be the murderer , keeping it as a sick memento . The pin seemed to be the key to the case and - " … find the defendant not guilty , " the foreman read . Eliot snapped to attention as Harvey clapped him heartily on the shoulder . Eliot smiled and turned to shake Harvey 's hand . Those behind them , and on the other side of the courtroom , dissolved into weeping and wailing . They were family members of Lindsey , devastated by the outcome because they had all been so sure of Harvey 's guilt . Eliot felt for them and his eyes ran over their downturned faces , their red - rimmed eyes , and their expressions of misery . Eliot 's smile diminished . He released Harvey 's hand so he could turn to hug his mother , the only supporter of Harvey 's , present for every single day of testimony . She threw her beefy arms around her boy and Harvey was nearly being pulled over the wooden , glossy barricade that separated the audience from the members of the judicial process . Harvey was pulled onto his tippy toes and with his body elongated , and bent at a rather awkward angle , the pocket of his button - down Oxford shirt hung low so that the tiny metallic object that had been residing within clamored to the tile floor . Eliot saw it fall out of the corner of his eye . He did not know what it was , but bent to retrieve it . As he did so , he noticed it was a pin in the shape of the turtle . All the wind seemed to be knocked from him . Eliot dropped to his knees , breathing deeply through his nose to keep from vomiting . He could feel eyes upon him , knew instinctively the eyes belonged to Harvey , and was suddenly terrified . I 've been having trouble sleeping lately . I wonder if I 've been struck with that " Summertime Sadness . " It is now August , and my dreams have included school more and more , so maybe it is simply anxiety stemming from the upcoming school year . I should try and refocus it into excitement , into positive energy . Ally had the shopping list in hand and was intently focused on securing the various items . She was expertly maneuvering her way down the aisles with Michelle in tow . Michelle had only agreed to come because she was sick of sitting at home alone with a severe case of writer 's block . She thought getting out and about among people would be inspirational , and she thought bouncing ideas off of Ally , her best friend , would be beneficial . After the supermarket , they would go back to Ally 's apartment , drink some wine , devour some pasta , watch some bad television , and have themselves a relatively unproductive but enjoyable weekday . They tried to do this every so often to maintain the friendship among differing schedules and ambitions and so far , it had been a success . Part of the success , or most of the success actually , could be attributed to the level of comfort between the two women . For example , Michelle knew Ally was only half listening as she scoured the shelves for what she needed , and Michelle kept talking anyway . She was eager to work out some tricky dialogue between the romantic leads in her latest literary endeavor . " So , " Michelle began , resting her elbows on the handle of the shopping cart and propelling it forward in the laziest of ways , " I wanted him to say something super specific but still adorable to show how much he likes her . Only he wouldn 't be talking to her , he 'd be talking a friend . " " Like , he 'll say … I don 't know , something like , ' I love the way she says words that begin with " cr , " like " crisp " and " crunchy . " How bizarre is that ? ' " Rolling her eyes , Ally turned back to the many , many boxes of pasta neatly stacked on the shelves before her . " A guy would never say that . A guy would never notice that . " She put one of the boxes back on the shelf , and stooped to examine another . " Unless she just got braces or something . Does she have braces ? " She turned to her friend , suspicion and skepticism obvious in her expression . " Are you writing about yourself again ? " Michelle self - consciously placed her hand over her mouth . The braces had ceramic brackets so it was nearly impossible to tell Michelle had braces until the onlooker got really close , like all up in her grill as it were , but she still blushed whenever they were mentioned . " No , " she proclaimed defensively . " I think you 're being close - minded . I , for one , think a guy would totally say that . " " How often does one even use ' crisp ' and ' crunchy ' in regular conversation ? " Ally asked . She paused to think for a moment . " Great ; now I want potato chips . " She completed an about face and headed toward the aisle with all the snacks ; the chips , the crackers , and the cookies . Michelle hurried after her , nearly running over some small , silver - haired ladies mulling over the canned soups . " That 's the point , though . I want it to be singular and memorable . This will be the romantic quote my female audience will swoon over , you know ? " Ally threw two bags of potato chips into the basket of the shopping cart . " I don 't know if it 's authentic . I think you should ask someone . " Michelle paled . She was definitely more of an introvert than an extrovert , and the thought of stopping some stranger and asking him if he could possibly emulate a character seemed absurd . The man who they stopped would probably be a Neanderthal of sorts , nothing like the wonderful invention of a man Michelle had imagined . She would lose undoubtedly . " That 's a dumb idea . " " You 're just afraid of talking to people . " Ally was abrasive and logical , which was completely unlike her best friend and most likely why they got along so well . She looked up and down the aisle and smiled . There was a handsome employee about their age at the far end , mindlessly stocking twelve packs of soda cans . His muscular arms moved gracefully , and Ally took note of that , as well as his dark hair . " C ' mon ; we 'll ask tall , dark and handsome over there . " Michelle tried to discreetly sneak a peek . He was definitely handsome , but he really wasn 't all that tall , and his hair was dark but truth be told , his skin was actually pale . Michelle leaned close to Ally . " No , no way . He doesn 't read . He 's not a good person to ask . Let 's just go . " " Oh , stop it , " Ally commanded and grabbed Michelle 's hand . She literally pulled her down the aisle while Michelle mumbled a million different protestations . They all fell on deaf ears and Michelle clammed up once they halted behind the employee , their backs against rows of pretzels . " Excuse me , " Ally called politely . " I 'm Justin , " he said . He held out his hand . Michelle and Ally shook his hand in turn , and everyone agreed that it was a pleasure to meet . " What can I help you with ? " " Really , really , " Ally confirmed and was incredibly proud of her friend . Michelle blushed and looked down at her feet . " She had a book published about two years ago and is currently working on her second . " " Oh , yeah ? " Justin leaned back against the shelves he had been working to fill and crossed his muscular arms over his firm chest . He was interested and was settling in to enjoy the conversation . " What 's this book about ? " Ally turned to Michelle , who was still not looking up and who was still not talking . She waited for her friend to man up , to say something - anything - but the silence was becoming awkward and Michelle was making an absolute fool of herself , so Ally intervened . " Well , she wants this male character to say something unique and romantic , something totally quotable . She came up with a line about how he likes the way she says words like ' crisp ' and ' crunchy . ' Would a guy ever notice that ? " Justin looked off to the side , thinking the question over seriously . Ally watched him with patient eyes , while Michelle only stole furtive glances spasmodically and sporadically . Michelle thought him handsome and despite thinking Ally was full of shit and only liked to torture her , she was still interested in his response . When Justin turned back to the pair , he caught Michelle looking at him . They made eye contact and he grinned . " I think it 's possible , sure , if the guy 's name starts with the same sound , like if it 's a Chris . Is his name Chris ? " " Oh , " Justin said and he seemed disappointed . " Well , maybe you should change the words , then , to match the guy 's name . I think every guy loves the way his girl says his name , and not just while they 're doing it . Guys like the way their girls laugh , too . " " You 're welcome , " Justin said . He turned from Ally to Michelle . He was smiling . Michelle was only staring . The awkwardness was building and fast . " Well , okay then . We 've got to get going , " Ally said , leading Michelle back to the shopping cart the same way she had dragged her to Justin . Justin watched them go . It has been just about two months since I last posted . I am ashamed to admit that I let life get in the way . The school year got the best of me - a clear indication my priorities were shuffled and rearranged about a thousand times . I thought I fell in love , but thinking about it only makes me feel small , sad , and stupid , so I 've now come to the realization that it wasn 't love . I have yet to determine what it was , but it 's over now , and I don 't think I 'm a better person because of it . But I have been writing . I am three chapters into the new novel . I have a short story to share with you all as part of my " weekly " writing prompts . My contract with Martin Sisters Publishing will expire next year , so I have begun the search for a literary agent . There is good , and there has been bad , and in this exact moment , I find it difficult to describe exactly how I feel , but maybe that 's okay . We 're all entitled to feel numb and completely apathetic now and again , aren 't we ? I think it 's a coping mechanism or , even worse , a defense mechanism of sorts . I don 't know why I 'm feeling so pensive or cynical . Maybe I 'm simply hormonal ? Maybe it has something to do with the heartache I alluded to ? Maybe it 's the dark direction I steered my short story in ? Maybe I simply spend too much time alone ? Whatever the reason , I apologize . And I also sincerely hope you enjoy this week 's writing prompt . " What an idiot ! How could that not have sent up a red flag ? " Kelly McCarthy asked no one in particular . The question had to be rhetorical since she was sitting alone on the slightly worn - but still perfectly comfortable - couch in the living room of the home she shared with her small , loving family . She was mindlessly eating some low fat , low calorie , low carb potato chips ( but all the health benefits meant nothing when she was likely to eat the whole damn bag in one sitting ) while watching her favorite true crime documentary channel . Currently , the channel was airing some cleverly named show - with an alliterative title , most likely - about handsome boyfriends and husbands who were not who they said they were . This lady had married this good - looking fella after only a few months and found herself bruised and abandoned and robbed . Sympathy was hard to come by , however , because if this female had thought clearly and not been blinded by a strong jawline , she would have seen through the obvious fabrications and been alarmed by some universally troubling behavior . These women were not like the sudden rash of young girls that were missing - some had been found but all who had been found were already dead - in a city farther north than the one she called home . Those girls were too young to be anything other than naïve and innocent . How could someone who had not even graduated high school know better , let alone really know anything about anything ? No , these women , these suckers , had no one but themselves to blame . Kelly was shaking her head , feeling pity but mostly disbelief and borderline disdain , when the dryer 's buzzer sounded loudly throughout the one - story , ranch - style home . Reluctantly , Kelly peeled herself from the overstuffed cushions and shuffled her slipper - covered feet through the kitchen and into the cramped laundry room . She listened to the textured bottom of the slippers scuff against the vinyl tiles that floored the kitchen , and she listened to the buzzing of the dryer now only a step away , but other than the low and constant humming of the television , there were no other sounds . Kelly found herself home alone , as she usually did in the middle of the day throughout the week . Her husband , Charlie , battled a sizeable commute to the northern part of the state and her son , Joey , was a sophomore at the high school , and though he was scheduled to come home early in the afternoons , around 2 : 00 PM , Joey never usually showed up until dinner time . He was always busy with some kind of extracurricular activity and Kelly couldn 't be any prouder . He was so popular and studious . Over dinner , Joey always regaled his parents with stories of the humorous antics of juveniles and how Joey was truly an asset to the school community . A smile formed on Kelly 's lips of her own accord as she thought of her son , her only child , her pride and joy . It was a load of his clothes that had just been dried and were now patiently waiting to be folded and placed back in the drawers , or hung in the closet . Typically , Kelly did not do her son 's laundry - he was nearly sixteen years old - but she had felt particularly generous this idle , random day and for no reason that she would ever be able to articulate . Later on , Kelly would wish she hadn 't felt so - she would even raise red - rimmed eyes to heaven and demand of whatever God resided beyond the clouds why He had blindsided her with such terror and tragedy . But before that moment , everything was normal and just as it should be . She shoveled the random assortment of shirts and pants and socks and underwear into an empty laundry basket and trudged down the long hallway to her son 's bedroom . It was the last bedroom on the right and its door was marked by a single poster , perfectly centered . The poster advertised a poetry festival in a metropolis near her husband 's work in the northern part of the state . Joey was such an intelligent , well - mannered boy . He wasn 't like all those other boys his age , who were loud and aggressive and obnoxious and obsessed with their penises . He was quiet and patient and obedient and enjoyed females , but not to the point where it consumed him . He was balanced and healthy and beautiful and whole . Again , Kelly caught herself nearly beaming when thinking of her baby boy . She balanced the laundry basket on her particularly bony hip and turned the doorknob . Kelly placed the laundry basket on the floor and ran her hand along the molding that ran along the top of the doorway . She was waiting to feel cool metal beneath her fingertips ; the key to her son 's room . She found it and unlocked the door , and pushed it wide open so she could traverse through the doorway with the laundry basket . Her slippers shushed against the plush carpet and she gladly tossed the laundry basket on the bed , careful not to upend it of its contents . It bounced jovially once or twice before rocking itself right . Kelly walked to the dresser directly opposite the meticulously made bed . She had developed the tactical plan of putting away the socks and underwear first because that would be easiest - Joey just tossed them in the top drawer of the dresser . The pants and shirts would be decidedly more difficult as Joey had a system in place that Kelly had yet to decode . A giggle tumbled from her mouth ; how funny for Joey to be so organized . She wondered where in his lineage she could attribute the trait , as both her and Charlie were both hopelessly sloppy . When she pulled open the uppermost drawer , a sound she had not been expecting met her ears . Kelly distinctly heard something substantial sliding forward with the movement of the drawer . It wasn 't the soft whisper of fabric , but something heavier . Kelly pulled the drawer out as far as it could go without making it tumble to floor . She looked within and she found a rather extensive collection of jewelry . There were necklaces and bracelets and long , dangling earrings that younger girls would wear - colorful , gaudy , attention - getting . Icy apprehension flooded Kelly 's stomach like the waters would a sinking ship because Joey did not have a girlfriend - not one that he ever mentioned , anyway . Besides , there were too many pieces for one girl and there was no consistency in taste or style . Kelly was under the impression that the jewelry had belonged to many different girls with unique and wonderful personalities , just as varied as the necklaces and bracelets and earrings . Why would Joey have such things hidden among his undergarments ? And why was his door locked ? And if he had a girlfriend , why didn 't she know anything about it ? Why would Joey be keeping secrets ? Whoa - Kelly stopped herself . She stepped back from the drawer and shook her head , but still , she couldn 't shake the feeling that something was wrong , terribly wrong . Maybe it was all the reality crime television she had been ingesting lately . That was all - she had simply seen too many shows about serial killers who were meticulous , guarded , and kept mementos of their poor , tortured victims , such as jewelry . She brought a trembling hand to her mouth and slowly shook her head back and forth again . Joey wouldn 't do anything wrong . Joey wouldn 't harm a fly , not Joey , no , no , no . Her eyes slipped to the closet . Snooping would only end in heartbreak and pain , as did it for all mothers who found more than they bargained for in the bedrooms of their children ( pornography , cigarettes , marijuana , naked selfies , etc . ) . But Kelly now needed to snoop for exoneration . She needed to clear her son whom she had already condemned . She moved to the closet door and slide the nearest door open . It creaked unsteadily along the track , and Kelly 's eyes fell to the floor . Joey 's shoes - so clean , so clean - were in neat and even rows . Sneakers , boots , shoes for church ; there was a place for everything and everything was in its place . So what was the deal with the duffle bag thrown carelessly into the corner and out of sight ? Unless , of course , someone was looking for just such a suspicious detail as Kelly was . Slowly , shaking , she dropped to her knees and reached into the dark recess of the closet . She pulled the bag , scratching the vinyl with her nails and sending chills up and down her spine . Breath moved in and out of its own volition , but it did not seem to be all that willing . The necessary oxygen came in jerky spurts and Kelly feared she would hyperventilate and pass out . What if Joey came home and found her like this ? What would he think ? What would she say ? Kelly inhaled , exhaled , and unzipped the bag . There were dark colored sweatpants with a dark colored sweatshirt , rope , gloves , and the light reflecting off of something metallic and sharp - a knife . Kelly screamed and threw the bag from her . She scrambled back against the bed and slumped into a seated position . This didn 't make sense , couldn 't add up to what she was assuming . No , those girls were missing from up north , from where Charlie worked . Why would Joey … . Joey had taken an interest lately , hadn 't he ? Joey traveled up to work with his father whenever he could , whenever Charlie offered . That wasn 't often enough , though . Not to commit murder - surely not ! Joey would have to go up after school , take public transportation , and he couldn 't . Well , Kelly supposed he could , but he wouldn 't . After all , he had all those obligations which he never gave specific details about and which never culminated into something tangible , even something as simple as a telephone call from a club advisor or certificate of participation with the principal 's rubber stamp . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Lately , we have been fighting , Mr . H and I . Not the type of fighting that means anything . Just the type that happens when the other never cleans up after themselves , or leaves the cupboards open , the dirty dishes on the counter , dirty socks on the floor , lets the dogs run through the house with muddy feet , never putting the toilet seat down , muddy boots , laying on the couch when I am at work , every little thing that happens when your husband has been laid off for just under three weeks , and plans to be laid off until the middle of September . So I nag . I am tired . I work full time . I get up at 5 : 10 and leave a sleeping husband in our nice warm , california king . I go to work . I smile for eight - ten hours . I am nice to people ALL DAY LONG . I come home to a mess . I come home to a very bored husband , that most of the time is acting like a teenager , whiney , hungry , bored . HONESTLY ? You are TWENTY - TWO years old . Get off the couch . Turn off the tv . Do the dishes . Switch the laundry . Start dinner . Quit your bitching . You still have a job . You WILL be going back to work - - in a month . You are NOT that bad off . We have to figure out a way to pay rent for ONE month , not six . CHILL OUT ! I am a little caught off gaurd by what he told me today - - he wants a divorce . He is moving out this weekend . Last night he didn 't come home . He stayed at his sisters . He and I had been fine , no major problems . He was helping his brother in law get his rental ready . He told me that we would go to dinner and a movie , I got off work , tired , hungry and ready to eat some good food . He wasn 't going to be ready for awhile . It made me mad . I didn 't want to wait around , he had made a big deal about hanging out and how we don 't ever do anything . He wanted me to go home , get ready , then drive twenty minutes to pick him , go back home so he could get ready and then go to the movie and then dinner . I said No . I would just wait for him to get home whenever . He didn 't call me until 9 somthing . I went to a movie with a friend around 7 : 30 . I was done . I didn 't wantMrs . H Growing up , before we moved , and lost the business , before we lost all the money we had coming in , before life changed . . My mom didn 't drink . I mean I guess she did , but I never noticed , alcohol would sit in our house for months , and go undrank . I remember going shopping , all the time , and trips to the mall , going to parks , regular things that moms take you to do . I was in high school when I realized my mom had started drinking more than usual parents . Sure , I had friends that would have a few beers every now and then , but my mom . . she drank . A lot . We had bottles of liquor in the cupboards , pantry , outside fridge , everywhere . We were the party house , my mom drank enough that we could steal the alcohol from her , and she never once questioned us about it , because she wanted to be the cool parents . . or if she just really didn 't notice that it was gone . I moved out when I was 18 , into my grandma 's after a blow out with my mom about drinking . She had went from the calm drink all the time sort of person , to the hiding it slightly , and driving . { It is weird to see how far she has advanced since I was 16 years old , how much she has changed in those years } I noticed the drinking more as the years went by . More empty beer cans , more stops at the store for beer , more beer in her truck . Just always beer everywhere . It is now to the point where my mom starts drinking at six in the morning , and doesn 't stop until she goes to bed around midnight or so . She drinks all day long . Probablly buckets and buckets of beer , she goes to the bar now . Something she used to not do . She 'll order food from town , and go to get it around six , and not come home with the food until close to nine . She doesn 't realize she has been gone that long , or why the food is cold . She doesn 't think she 's done anything wrong , and when my sisters and father are upset with her , she plays it off like she just left , and that they must of sold her cold food . It is sad . She and I talk almost every day . Sometimes though , she calls me late at night , just hours after weI have been watching Intervention lately , mostly bawling my eyes out , THE WHOLE FREAKEN SHOW ! I would love to get my whole family on board to do an intervention with my mother . She is dangerous to herself , and others . She used to weigh right about 235 lbs , she now has dropped a ton of weight and weighs right at 160 , maybe . She gets frequent nose bleeds , she has bruises all over her body that just pop up whenever she bumps into anything . I know there is something else going on , but she refuses to go to the doctor . It is beyond frustrating to me . I have tried to get my whole family to do an intervention , to call the cops when she drives , to take the keys away before she drives , to take away the money she buys the alcohol with , and everyone is on board , til it comes down to doing it . Then when I step up and say " This is it ! We as a family are done ! " . . I turn around and I am the only one standing there . Everyone likes to bitch about it , but no one is willing to do anything to rock the boat . No one wants her to be mad at them , me . . I guess I just don 't care . I hope one day , my family will be able to see that there is something that needs to be done , but until then , I guess I am going at this battle alone . Until next time , Mrs . H I have always been the one to pick up the pieces after a break up , or melt down , and the turning point , or breaking point of everything happened about 8 months ago . I had seen C about a month after we had been married , and I really thought that things would desolve with us , and that C and I would finally make a decision to be together , and make a life together . I kept pushing you , further and further away , hoping that you would leave , because I was a coward . I didn 't want to be the one that ended things , I wasn 't even sure I wanted to end things . I just wanted to be able to have both you & C in my life , and I guess also . . in my bed . On the night that broke me , we had gotten into a huge fight , and I left . I packed and I didn 't look back , at least at first . I went to dinner with my sister , you called and asked if I would be home . . I told you that I probablly wouldn 't . I made plans to hang out with C , I had been talking to him almost every day , all day long . I went over there after dinner , we stayed the night together . When I came home the next morning , you were just getting home also . I knew instantly that you had done the same thing that I had . I knew that you had found someone else . Even thought you didn 't admit it right away , I knew . Finally I got the whole story , parts from you , and parts from girls that didn 't even know me , but thought I should know the whole story . It broke my heart , for the first time in our relationship you had actually slept with another girl while we were still together . Yes , I am a hypocrite , yes , I sound crazy , but I was devastated by the act . I realized exactly how you had felt every time you found out about C and I . I never wanted to ever be with anyone ever again . I never wanted to see you again . I turned off my phone . I went to work , and then went to my moms and stayed . I cried , I went crazy , I wrote you the meanest letter I could muster . You continued to go out to the bars and get trashed every night . Tuesday morning I had the day off and I went to town and got divorce papers . I filled them out , texted you to tell you that I would file them on Friday when I got paid , you were devasted . I don 't know what you had expected . You offered to do anything in your power to make it work . Our relationship had been stable , and the reason it was going so bad was because I wanted it to go bad . I always turned into a different person when I started talking to C . . I held off on filing the papers with the agreement that we would go to counseling . We went separately for weeks before we started going together , while also going separately . It was and is the hardest thing we have ever gone through . There hadn 't been violence in our relationship , in over a year when the event happened where we both stepped out . After the night with C , I called him bawling to tell him what I had found out about you . He was furious . He didn 't get why I was upset that you had stepped out . I had wanted out . I was out . And again I was going back to you . And not going to him . I have talked to him once after all of this , just recently , I texted his phone number on accident , one of our friends is similar and somewhere in my brain his number came out of my finger tips . He was rude , and told me that I had broken his heart over and over again . And that he had loved me . I didn 't know what to do . I had loved him . I had wanted him to tell me what to do . I wanted him to tell me to leave you and be wI love you & I always will . I am so glad that we have gotten through and now we are living the life that we were always supposed to . Always yours Mr . H ♥ On our one month wedding anniversary you had missed road crew so many times that you had the make up the time / finish the time in jail . I had hounded you to just finish your roadcrew , but again , you thought you were above the law . When you went in to talk with the court , they let you know that you needed to come spend a week in jail . It was horrible to see you go back to jail . I cried when you left . I didn 't want to spend another week without you . C emailed me the night you went in . He always had a way of knowing exactly what was going on in my life , even when we didn 't talk . He wanted to hang out , just as friends , that was the night we went to the lake . I honestly thought of leaving you , even after that , C and I talked on a pretty regular basis . I guess while writing to you , I skipped a few years or parts , because , I forgot the time that you and I separated , before we were married , years ago , when we had only been together a year or two . We went out to a race track , I had been drinking with friends , and a girl pulled you to the side saying Hi , I was oblivious to the actual conversation , and later she added you to her myspace . I didn 't think anything of that either , we both had guy and girl friends . You told me that you two had been really good friends when you were younger . Again , I thought nothing . Your best friend A told me that you considered her " the one that got away " , I started watching closer to the way you were acting , hiding your phone from view , texting more than usual , spending more time on the internet , picking more fights . After about a month , you and I got into a huge argument , about something that didn 't matter , you moved your stuff out of the house , and within a week you had moved to another town 2 hours away with V . I was devastated . I wasn 't sure what to do . You would call every so often to talk , mostly while she was at work , or sleeping or in the shower . It was horrible , and I hated every minute of it . I wanted you to come home , but after two weeks of being told you were not coming home , I quit taking your calls , and quit calling you . I went on with my life , did the school , work , life things , and was actually doing really well getting along . C and I started hanging out more and more . Spending the night together , and doing things the way life could have been together . I found out about three months after you left that I was pregnant . I didn 't know if it was yours or Cs , I told you that I thought that I was pregnant , you were livid , you told me that if I had the baby that you would take it . About a month after I found out , I had stopped talking to you , still hadn 't told C about the baby , when I started cramping , and bleeding . I went to the dr , and I miscarried . I was happy . It sounds horrible , but I was actually relieved . I didn 't have tPosted by While on the phone with your mom , I wanted to get to the bottom of it , you and I had slept together the night after we went to the coast , and I thought we were going to go somewhere relationship wise . I asked your mom for TM 's number , I called her and told her everything about us . How we had already been together , and that we had been spending a lot of time together . You called in the middle of our conversation , and I told you I was talking to her , I don 't know what you expected from me , if you wanted me to stay or go , or what . But I stayed . I thought that our relationship had potential , I should have seen that it had been doomed from the start . In December you asked me to officially be yours . We stayed together most nights , a few weeks into our relationship , you and TM met to go through old pictures , and you two kissed , you told me almost immediatly , I should have left , but I didn 't . After I found out I got a text from C , he missed me . I starting talking to him , I miss him . He and I had been so close before you and I had started talking . You had things to do one night , and I stayed at home instead of at CJ 's , that night I met up with C . It was amazing . He knows exactly the way to touch , talk , breathe , everything around me . You don 't know the secrets he does . The things that I learned and love from him , things that you just don 't know about me , and no matter how hard I try to show you what it could be like . . it isn 't the same as him . We moved in together in Janurary , and we were good for a while . Off and on , if we were fighting , you would call TM , and try to spend time with her , I would talk to C , he was my go to person . We were good most of the time . Then after awhile the fighting got worse , TM was in our life all the time , she was apart of your family events , your sisters wedding , everything that we wanted to be apart of , and on top of that every time you and I would spend time apart from eachother you would call her . You weren 't working , you didn 't have your licence or a car to drive . I didn 't know what I was getting myself into . I continued to talk to C on and off , and see him occasionally . Pretty soon the fighting turned from more than yelling , to screaming in my face , and within a year it had escalated into pushing me and shoving me . Within six months of that , the shoving turned to hitting , and slapping , and eventualy you put my teeth through my bottom lip , blackened my eye numberous times , covered my arms in bruises so many time that most of my clothes were long sleeved , and gave me more bloody noses than I can recall . Again I stayed . I would leave , and come back , always telling myself that you would change , that you didn 't mean it , that things wouPosted by Dear Husband , There is a reason why you and I are like oil and water . I am not sure what it is , or why it is the way it is . We have been like that our entire relationship , from the very begining . We first got together and we barley knew eachother . We had only know of eachother for a few short months , and then we started hanging out on a more regular basis . Going to the same parties , hanging out at CJ 's house . You spending the night out in the living room , or drinking all night long with all the guys that used to crash there . We first seen eachother in the summer , and nothing really happened , we just kinda flirted , and made eyes at eachother , then in November things changed . We started spending more time together , you started really flirting with me . I wasn 't into it . You were pesky , and not the type of guy that I was into , and on top of that - - I had guys that I was hanging out with . I was young , and thought I was untouchable , I was sleeping with whoever I wanted , whenever I wanted . And then it seemed that at every party , there you were , trying to catch my eye , or trying to be next to me . Why me ? You had a girlfriend the whole time , that I had no idea about . A girl that even to this day in our relationship is a huge issue . The weekend of Thanksgiving your girlfriend was out of town { which I still had no idea that you even had a girlfriend to begin with } , and you spent most of your time at CJ 's and partien with our crowd . Friday night , you tried to kiss me , I laughed it off , and left with the guy I had came with . Saturday while driving to the cliffs to party with CJ and two other girls I told her that you had tried to kiss me . One of the girls asked if I was really talking about you , and how you actually had a girlfriend . I refused to talk to you after that . I was annoyed . I wasn 't going to be played by some guy , that I didn 't like . But deep down , I knew I liked you . I just wasn 't ready to admit it , by Monday TM { your girlfriend } knew all about what you had been doing while she was gone . You told me Tuesday that youMrs . H I really have no idea what I am doing with Mr . H . I am happy , for the most part . But what about those days where he is so mean to me . Or the times years ago that he was violent , and made me cry on a regular basis . whores are whores . trash is trash . and you are both . bitches hate you . guys think you 're nasty and the only reason you movedto another townis because you ' vealready fuckedeverymarried or taken guyin your own town . now you move to my townbut i know your game . if you come within a mile of me or mine . fist will be thrown Posted by Being pretty new to the blogosphere , I decided I should try to get more followers to my blog . That being said , I heard about the Friday Follow from some of my other friends who blog and I thought , why not ? So today I join the masses at Friday Follow looking for new followers who might enjoy my blog . I know I have only written a few entries thus far , but I have many more stories to tell . . . Friday Follow Really . . I am not the type of girl that thinks life is all perfect and that a relationship is always going to be perfect but C , he made me think and feel and trust that we could last . That we could have babies , and own a house , and never fall out of love . Last September Mr . H and I had only been married a little over a month , and already he was being horrible to me . We faught all the time , over money , over family , over everything , { more will come of the fighting in later posts } . Mr . H had just left town for a couple weeks , and I got an email from C , wishing me well with Mr . H , and joking that his wedding invitation had gotten lost in the mail , and he closed with , " He missed me , and wanted me to know that no matter what that he would always be there for me , and if I ever needed someone to talk to , he was there for me . " Mr . H called me , and we got into a huge fight , about me having dinner somewhere . Once I got off the phone , I texted C . He knew me . . he knew what to say to talk to me down , to calm me , and make everything all better , something Mr . H has never been capable of doing . Even now . He asked if I wanted to meet up and go for a drive . I did , so I met him and we drove up to the lake , I had stopped and gotten Corona early and so once we got to the lake , we grabbed blankets , beer and the pillows he had brought with him and headed down toward the beach . They had already started draining the lake and so the beach was huge , we laid out our blankets and talked for hours . Honestly we spent almost eight hours at the lake , and didn 't leave until almost four in the morning . We talked about things that I had never been able to talk about with Mr . H , things that I had always been able to talk to C about . At one point in the night , we started talking about marriage , and my wedding , and he was saying how shocked he was when he had read about it in the paper . And that I had look beautiful . He was talking about how he could see us as being married , and how he wanted to marry his best friend , and just so many things , and how he wMrs . H Well , not currently , but seven months ago . . I did . Multiple times . More time than my husband even knows about . I am not proud to say it . But my husband and . . we had issues . Currently most of our issues are solved , and we don 't fight hardly at all . I mean honestly probably once a month ? ! At the most . When I was 15 , I pretty much fell in love with guy that would enter my life , and not leave it until six months ago . He was my security blanket . He was there throughout every single relationship that I had from the moment I gave up my inocence to him , until the moment he exited my life . We shall call him C . He has ruined a number of relationships , and been the biggest contributor to Mr . H and I 's problems . We have faught tooth and nail about C , there were lies , affairs , phone calls , thousands of text , nights spent with eachother , hours in eachothers arms , and emails . And this is all over . . and honestly . . I miss him , but I wouldn 't change the life Mr . H and I have for anything . More on that later . ♥ For now - - I am on my way to an interview . This blog is going to be about rants & raves . It is going to be all about getting out the things that bug us the most , that we can 't exactly say on our regular blogs . I have every intention of making this blog as honest as possible , no hold bars , if I want to say someone is a whore , or I want to say ' fuck ' . . I might just say it . I don 't plan on it to be rainbows and ice cream . I have issues , and I want to get them out . I want to write them down without feeling like I am being judged , some post will not have comments enabled , mostly because I won 't want to know your opinion , it will be something that I feel really strongly about , and I won 't need any advice , but Thank you ! : ) I hope you all enjoy your day & if you are interested in becoming part of our team , leave a comment with a way to get in touch with you , and we will go from there . Posted by |
I am always pestering my family for an idea for the Question Of The Week . My last question for 2011 was already posted when I received this email from my daughter . It 's a good one so we can think of it as a bonus question . She wrote : here is my suggestion . What holiday decoration do you miss most , or look forward to seeing again after you have them all packed away for another year ? Mine is my wall of cards and pictures from friends and loved ones . It always makes me smile and is a tradition I got from my mommy : ) " January you started on a weight loss adventure with me and Alli ( Orlistat ) . I lost 39 pounds over the following several months . Then , in my efforts to put some weight on Ron during his bout with cancer treatments , I managed to not only handle the feeding , I joined the eating spree and have gained back 18 of the carefully lost pounds . I keep saying I 'll get back on target tomorrow , and tomorrow , and tomorrow . . . September you followed the tough decision I made to let the chicken cross the road . Our fine rooster , Jack Bauer , went to live with the neighbors and their nice new birds . This update of Jack today still finds him alive and very well as the cock of the walk with our neighbor 's flock . This entire year you have followed Ron 's diagnosis of bladder cancer and reports of intense chemo and radiation treatments . You have shared your wishes and prayers for his full recovery and you rejoiced with us when the first biopsy came back " no malignancy " . Since then they have reported the tumor gone and the second biopsy has also come back as benign . We are believing in an uphill climb . This week we walked into a store we frequent . There was a new lady there we had never met . We introduced ourselves and ask if she was new . She responded that she had been the manager for a year . Suddenly Ron and I realized we had not been in that store for a year . It had seemed like we had just been there yesterday and it dawned on us that basically we had lost an entire year of our lives to the cancer battle . No big deal since we could have lost so much more . Thank you for your company on these journeys . We have shared many of your adventures as well and look forward to sharing with you in 2012 . Christmas and the New Year approach and we are all going to be busy . Before disappearing through the holidays I want to wish all of you Merry Christmas Yesterday I finally saw the hand specialist about my " trigger finger " . Some of you might remember my post in October titled PAINFUL AND NOT ITCHY . Many of you gave me some good advice and I was not surprised to finally learn that this Orthopedic Specialist wanted to give me shots in the middle fingers of both hands . Ron had to leave the room at that suggestion . My friend Nancy told this story about her " trigger finger " of the thumb in the October comments : " So I went to an Orthopedic surgeon who specialized in hands . He told me that I had two choices . One : hand surgery or Two : a very painful needle stuck in my thumb . I chose the painful needle and he wasn 't kidding . It hurt like H for about 2 minutes then I have never had a minute 's trouble with that thumb since and that was about 5 years ago . Choose the needle . You won 't regret it . " And so I followed Nancy 's advice and chose the needle . She was right about one thing . It hurt like " H " . However my relief is not instantaneous and may take 24 hours for the trigger fingers to cease popping . I am assured it will only take about a week for both fingers to be completely back to normal . All I could think was Nancy is one tough broad . It is great to finally have this taken care of after three months of suffering and I know total relief is imminent . Why I put it off so long is beyond me . If you are curious about how I did this to the same finger of both hands , it was a tendon injury from picking up a bale of hay by the wire without gloved hands . Ask me if I 'll do that again . Is the right or wrong choice always obvious to you ? If you wish , please share a comment of a time you last struggled with what was the right thing to do . Tell about a totally unscrupulous person in your life who never showed any concern or conscience about right choices ? It would be fun to know what you would do . Here are some sample questions from the game SCRUPLES . The game answers must be " yes " " no " or " depends " and if you say depends you have to explain what would change it to a yes or no : The only available spot in the parking lot is reserved for the handicapped . You are in a hurry and won 't be very long . Do you park there ? While on a co - worker 's computer , you accidentally erase an important file . There 's no way to trace it to you . Do you fess up ? good friend is in love and introduces you to the new sweetheart . You find there is a mutual attraction between you and your friend 's lover . Do you repress your feelings ? My spouse stares at everything and everyone . It shocked me when we first met and I tried to break him of that rude habit . Now I understand it . I have never known anyone more aware of their surroundings . Observation is an important detail in life . Yesterday we drove around the lake , . Some men in camouflage gear with boat , truck and dogs were packing to leave . Ron fixed his gaze and took in every aspect of their procedures . They looked our way and Ron exchanged a nod with the men and they nodded back . They were totally unconcerned by his staring . If they had been loading a big catch of some kind , we would have stopped to ask about it and found out where they fished or hunted . Suddenly I realized if these guys had been terrorists rather than hunters , perhaps we would have seen some evidence and been able to report it . Had I been alone , I would have averted my eyes because it is not polite to stare . I wonder why it is not polite to stare . Just think of all we miss in life when we do not stare . Another time , however , while out for a drive , Ron fixed his gaze on a young woman mowing her yard . She was scantily clad and well endowed in the chest area . Somehow this trained observer swore he never noticed the woman and he was only staring at the great lawn mower . Last night I dreamed that my Aunt ( deceased ) called me . She was in Michigan and had learned that she had some illness that required her to have a vasectomy . ( Not a clue ) My sister came to my house to await our Aunt 's arrival because she believed our flat bed truck with her yellow lab chained up on the back . The neighnbor 's dog jumped on the truck and got tangled in my sister 's dog 's chain . My sister and the neighbor were going to free the dogs and Sis asked me to hold her cell phone and warned me to watch out for snakes . There was immediately a call from the operator saying Sis had 200 incoming calls . Did we want to accept them because doing so would cost $ 200 . Sis said to accept them because she was curious . I tried to discourage her from taking the calls believing they were from prisoners or some kind of spammers but she insisted . Meanwhile my back yard was filling with baby snakes , fat and only about 2 shapes and made all sorts of patterns as they moved across the floor . Plus there was a long black snake on the neighbor 's porch . She told us it was called a Pit Bull Snake . I ran away and the snake followed me so I held up a Do you want your blog followers to comment on what you said and how you said it or do you want them to share their own story that relates to your post ? Would you prefer they agree with you ? Do you mind if they contradict something you have said ? Do you want their comments to be short ? Do you like for them to end up writing their own post in your comment section ? Do you delete comments that might invite controversy ? Can you tell when a commenter hasn 't read your entire post ? Do you immediately follow a new commenter or do you wait and read their blog a while first ? Do you write responses to your comments from others ? Do the individual comments matter or do you just want a lot of them regardless ? Does it matter to you at all if bloggers even leave comments ? See the young gentleman in the green shirt seated with his back to the wall and facing toward us ? He is our waiter . He and the other young man are supposed to be wrapping tableware in napkins and waiting on the customers . Our waiter is text messaging . Can you tell he is concentrating on his phone ? It took forever for us to get our drinks and I had to ask another waiter to help us . Our waiter would put down the phone and start wrapping only when the manager entered the room . As soon as the boss left again , OW ( our waiter ) was back to texting . Where was the sugar we requested for our coffee ? I got up and found some on another table . We needed a couple of carry out boxes . I found those also . After we had licked ( and scraped ) the platters clean , OW brought the check and asked if we needed anything . Yes I left the normal tip and did not complain . Why ? Because OW gave us another moment of " thanks for the shocking entertainment and story that will go on my blog " . Plus we eat there a lot and my grandkids tell me if we make waves we will end up with someone spitting in our food next time . Can anyone tell me why people are out of work when a restaurant can 't replace this dude with someone willing to actually work ? Out for a drive , I mentioned to Ron the large bull we had passed . It was seated in the corner of the pasture looking beyond the fence at the heifers across the road . The only time I could ever remember seeing as bull in such a pose was in the children 's story book of Ferdinand the Bull . Ron replied to me that the bull was probably " that old Indian " . " What old Indian ? " , I inquired . " Sitting Bull " Ron replied with a grin . Was that funny to anyone but me ? I laughed and laughed but maybe because Ron is feeling so good these days that he is actually clever again . Do you or your spouse entertain each other with spontaneous humor ? Do your friends and / or co - workers get attention with funny remarks ? Who is the funniest non - professional comedian you know ? We have always equated our rural postal carrier with the one in the movie FUNNY FARM . I wrote a post about him in 2008 titled THE POSTMAN DOESN ' T RING AT ALL . Well here is a little update on what the Christmas rush does to Crazy Dave . The other day I was watching for our mail . I heard Dave coming . He still drives a loud truck but this is a new loud truck . Our mailbox door sticks and rather than take the time to pry it open , Dave threw the mail out on the ground by the mailbox . Okay , perhaps the wind blew the mail out of his hand , but he didn 't even slow down or consider retrieving it to put in the box . Thankfully this was just junk mail and I like to think he knew that . If we have a package too big for the box he has to drive up our road and honk for us to come out and get the package and it is best if you don 't delay . The last time I was slow getting out there and arrived in time to see him throw out the package from his truck . There was nothing fragile in the package and I like to think he knew that too . My mother 's first cousin , nearly 90 , has published her memoirs . She is a highly educated and articulate writer . It was exciting to receive a copy of her book . The opening was riveting as she described an accident that change her life . The next few chapters were delightful as she mentioned by name my mother and father , my aunts and uncles and my grandparents . And then she got down to the nitty - gritty . The rest of the book was filled with her many and varied sexual exploits that overshadowed the other details . It was a book of TMI ( too much information ) . Had this book been fiction , it might have been enjoyable . Knowing the person and being privy to her deepest darkest secrets was not my cup of tea plus having my relatives named in the book somehow made it seem that they might have approved of her lifelong behaviors . If there is truth to persons turning in their graves , I know her parents and siblings are and probably my mother and grandparents are too . I have shared my deepest thoughts , feelings and experiences in my journals and I have kept those journals . Now I have to wonder why . Certainly my life hasn 't been as spicy as this cousins but I cannot imagine my children and grandchildren would ever care to see any of it and certainly not in print for the world to share . It causes me to wonder how her own children feel about this very revealing book . " Who will die if I don 't do this today ? " Sometimes we get so caught up in our holiday chores or work assignments that we act as if it they are matters of life or death . Is it going to kill us if we don 't complete our task ? What is the worse that can happen if we mess something up . ( Okay I 'm not talking about demolition experts here . ) How seriously do you take your " to do " lists ? Posted by I have not always worn a wig because I needed one . There was a time in the late 60 's when women wore wigs to be fashionable . One of my early banking jobs was on the check order desk . The customer 's checks were stored in the basement of the bank . If a customer needed a new book of their personalized checks , their order slip would be placed in a dumbwaiter tray and lowered to the basement where Orlin would fill the order , place it in the dumbwaiter and raise it for me to give the customer their checks . This particular day I had lowered the tray and had leaned a bit too far into the shaft . My head caught on the frame and knocked my wig into the basement . Orlin reached in for the check order and encountered a furry creature instead . He screamed like a girl which echoed into the shaft and thus sounded loudly throughout the bank lobby . Everyone turned toward the sound and saw me standing there , wig - less with my real hair tightly pincurled to my head . I still have nightmares about this and you can bet Orlin does too . LOL & I were traveling with two of his brothers and their wives on their bikes , my brother and my sister 's husband in my Jeep ( towing the cargo trailer ) , myself and my ex on his Harley , and two of my ex 's friends on their respective bikes . That day on the road was long , hot , and grueling . We had one bike break down . I 'm not sure you 'd call it luck , but a friendly rancher with a : : : smelly : : : horse trailer transported the motorcycle and two travelers to the next town where there was a Harley dealer . Another biker had the trailer he was towing flip causing him to lose control of his bike . It was a minor crash for the rider but the trailer was toast . When we arrived at the designated hotel , I went to a nearby vending machine to get something to drink while the group was checking in to the hotel . When I returned to the hotel desk to find my partner , I gave him the usual ' love grab ' on his butt cheeks . Much to my surprise , his brother 's butt looks the same as his ! Everyone laughed hysterically ' with me ' for 15 minutes ( and at least three people had to make mad dashes for the restroom ) while I turned every shade of red possible . I swear my cheeks could have melted a had not seen for a few months , and had a new hairstyle . I blurted out , " Ed ! I haven 't seen you with your new hair ! " He just looked at me and said , " Same hair . " us . My in - laws and our family went out to dinner . Hubs held son who is not 36 he was 2 - in a waiting area . A busy waiting area . My son grabbed a women 's wig off - he never pulled hair either . He cried at what he had done - my hubs was mortified - the women - out on a date - whipped the wig right out of his hand and plopped it back on her head . My dear MIL and I were laughing our head off on the other side of the room . And where did we sit ? Right next to that woman and her date . Fashion dictated that one had a wig in the sixties . I was being driven down to the south of France with friends to stay in their farmhouse . ' Please Pat - only small bags - no suitcases , ' the husband pleaded . He nearly had a fit when he saw that one was the head on which my beautiful wig rested . Well it wasn 't a suitcase . Down in the south it was far too hot to wear it . I took a nap . Slim was in the house napping also . Suddenly she awakened me and as much as I tried to shoo her away , she was persistent . I let her out and she made a ferocious dash for two dogs tearing one of my chickens apart . It was amazing to see the dogs back off with their mouths full of feathers , yet the large hen was able to hop up and rush into the hen house to safety . Ron was getting the gun but the dogs were escaping with Slim hot on their heels , so I followed them . They ended up at a friendly neighbor 's house at the lake 's edge . I went home and called the neighbors and said , " I 'm sure these aren 't your dogs but thought you might know where they live . " " They are our dogs " the neighbor replied . " Our daughter moved and could not take her dogs with her so we took them . Can I pay you for your chicken ? " " Yes . You can pay me by keeping your dogs at home . " That night when I locked up the chickens , my count was short by one . Little Joe was missing . I searched and searched the next day thinking he might have be injured and was hiding . Later in the day Ron found Little Joe 's body by our old truck . I should have known to look there because Mr . Gibson had been in that area all day , watching over her son 's body . We have gone almost two years without losing any of our chickens , goats or guinea fowl ( knock on wood ) except for those who have gone to new homes like Jack Bauer , the rooster and TK the goat . It is one thing to lose them to their natural predators like hawks , owls , coyotes , etc . But to lose them to domestic neighborhood dogs is so very traumatic . And the woman wanted to know if she could pay me money for the chickens . How do you explain that they are family ? Posted by Remember when our first baby goat was born ? If not , click HERE to read his birth announcement from July 24 , 2010 . TK grew into a Billy Goat Gruff and sometimes he thought I might be one of the trolls under the bridge . In other words our 16 month old boy had grown into a bully billy . He did sire two precious sons , Dr . Cole and Lord Voldemort during his time with us . ( These boys were neutered as soon as possible ) . Yesterday TK 's life with us ended . There goes TK in the cage in the back of that truck . He was calling for help from his harem and they were calling back . It was not a pretty site . Part of me was very happy to have found him a new home while the other part of me was sad to see this member of our family leave . However , just like our rooster Jack Bauer , TK is off to greener pastures meaning more ladies for his primary calling in life . My tears were quickly wiped away as I took a moment to ponder my bruises . This made his departure a little easier . For your added viewing amazement , here is a wonderful painting Holland aka Monique Lassooij did of TK as a baby . Indeed a life long treasure from a phenomenal artist . Every religion has factions within itself that are contradictory . Take Christianity for example . First we split by theological definitions that created many different denominations and then came more distention within those different denominations . Now Christianity is not only divided theologically , we are divided politically . On top of all the controversy we already have , we now must define ourselves as the Christian Right and / or the Christian Left . It never pleases me to have to raise such questions , but today doesn 't it all seems a far cry from the simplicity of " play nice " ? How do you see your day - to - day life ? Did Thanksgiving leave your glass feeling half full or half empty ? What do you expect through the rest of the holidays ? How do you generally look at your life ? Thanks to my sister Elenore for this question of the week . As you can see the lefts were the official winners . However the wish Ron and I each made was for everyone 's wish to come true . This was definitely a win - win situation . Thanks everyone for you guesses on my blog , on Facebook and by text for playing along . Your wishes are important . Everyone had gone yesterday before I realized we had not pulled the wishbone . Now even you can get in on it . Pick your side , right ( with nail polish on tip ) or left , and make your wish when you post your comment . Sunday evening , 7 : 00 PM CST , Ron and I will pull the wishbone with your proxy and let you know the break . You may give us suggestions on how we should hold it to gain the best advantage on the pull . Pinky finger hold , thumb placement , fist grip , etc . It is always the one with the larger portion of the wishbone that wins . Everyone on the winning side will have your wish come true . * Make you choice in the comments ( and share your wish if you dare ) . Many believe if you tell you wish it won 't come true but I think that only applies to blowing out birthday candles . * fine print : Participate at your own risk . We are not liable for unfulfilled wishes . More information regarding the superstition of pulling the turkey wishbone . It is a rare circumstance but some have been known to pull the wishbone evenly apart at the Y . If that is the case , all wishes will come true . It has also been known for persons to break both sides below the Y and the Y has dropped to the ground . In this instance , none of the wishes will come true . Posted by Have a wonderful Thanksgiving . Share your plans and / or menus or favorite traditions in the comments . Children and grandchildren coming here and bringing most of the food . ( Sometimes it pays to be old and infirm . ) Perhaps the first question should be " Do you do karaoke ? " . Singing karaoke is not my thing but if it was , I would probably select FIRE AND RAIN . RESPECT , . BLUE EYES CRYING IN THE RAIN . . . . IN SPITE OF OURSELVES , definitely an Ann and Ron karaoke duet : ) . click link Have you ever seen such large sock monkeys ? Found a room full of these engaging critters in a flea market yesterday . They cost $ 56 each . I could not afford to purchase them but somehow felt the urge to help them escape . Posted by We had dear friends in a horrible automobile accident this week . Thankfully husband and wife both are doing well at this point and no one else was injured . I think the worse part will come when they read the news account of the wreck and learn the husband was referred to as " the elderly driver " . Yikes ! These are people our age . Guess that is how we are referred to now and I try not to think about it . Let 's make " elderly " a non - PC term . I am fairly certain that we all have some kind of addiction , whether it is to a substance or to an activity . We know the usual addictions that make headlines like drugs , gambling and sex . But what addictions are not quite as harmful and maybe not as common ? I am addicted to my computer and to television . ( Have you ever attempted to overcome one addiction by replacing it with another ? My sister suggested this question because she traded cigarettes for Nicorette . ) Grandson Dillon photographs his medallion . A win that finally comes his senior year . Granddaughter Beth , with two more years in the band , was seen crying when the camera panned in at the announcement . Grandson Ryan , now in college , celebrates the victory for his siblings and " his " band . It is not just a victory for the performers but for anyone who has ever been a member of the BROKEN ARROW PRIDE . It is also tremendous victory for all the parents and family members who have supported this effort . CONGRATULATIONS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! # 1 ( I haven 't talked to their dad yet , who chaperoned again this year , but I know that is because he hasn 't stopped crying yet . ) My late father was a Naval veteran of World War II - he was on a minesweeper in the Pacific theater . One morning the ship 's cooks were all killed in a battle . They asked if anyone knew how to cook and so dad bit - he mainly saw an opportunity to eat better . The first meal was chili - the ingredients had already been laid out for preparation . " Eerie " he said . Someone came by and suggested he make it good and hot , so there was an industrial sized can of chili powder there , and dad split it open and poured it all in . The rest of the story , was hearing about all the sailors with tears streaming down their faces . : ) There are many vets in my family , my father , his brothers , my brother in law and all 3 of my grandfathers . The one that sticks out the most was my Grampa Comstock because he was a survivor at Pearl Harbor when it was bombed . Unfortunately he died in 1975 when I was quite young and even though I have researched it , I cannot find the name My Dad served in World War 2 and survived where many of his buddies did not . He would not talk about it so I do not know alot . I have his uniform , dog tags , maps , letters to my Mom and many other things . I recently read a quote " There are no unharmed war veterans " and My three uncles also served in the same war . One of them ( Ray ) was killed in action . My dad wanted to honor him in some way , I come from a long line of peace - loving veterans . My great - grandfather lied about his age so he could join the Navy in WWI ( where he was a champion boxer ) , and my grandfather , his son , also lied about his age so he could go fight the Nazis in WWII . Before that , my great - great - great grandfather fought on the Union side in the civil war . I don 't really have any stories to tell . As an adopted person my history is very limited . I didn 't have a grandfather . Both my parents were evacuated as children in the second world war . Lucy - - My dad was a veteran . . . He was in the Navy and he was so proud to have served his country . . . He loved watching Victory at Sea and we all watched it with him . . . We had a military salute at his funeral . . . Miss you , dad . . . Favorite quote by Angie Worth : " Faith is what holds us together while religion tears us apart . " ABOUT ME : I avoid the news . I have turned off my political upheaval . My days of political activisim are supposed to be over . My hands have been thrown up in surrender and I try to be the best wife , mom , grandma , sibling and chicken farmer that I can be . " I am alive , I am alive by God 's grace , I am living in God 's care . " Custom , descriptive poetry for all occasions . Granny Annie established Poetry Portraits by Angie Worth in 1983 and has written and sold over 1 , 000 since that time . " Angie Worth takes up where Hallmark leaves off " Lou Ann Ruark , Tulsa World , 1984 It seems as if the rain never stops lately . Last evening , I opened the front door of my condo and just stood , thinking how beautiful it is . One evening . . . Chicken Stew is a nice comfort meal served with fresh crusty bread . I first posted this recipe in July of 2008 . You can find the original post here . I am going to take a bit of a blogging break . The new " care model " at work is not about caring at all . It 's mostly about getting more done in less time . P . . . Yacht Rock has returned to Sirius radio ! FANTASTIC HALLILUAH NEWS ! ( and no , this is not a paid / sponsored post . I just love Yacht Rock - and Sirius - th . . . Amazon Online retailer , Seattle , Washington Hundreds of dogs roam Amazon 's campus on any given day . And why wouldn 't they ? There are doggie water fountains . . . I am 71 years old . Most of my life is behind me , and I have a short future ahead of me . I hate to put a cap on my life , but realistically , I probably hav . . . When I was a kid , I found a baby robin on the ground . I got the standard rescue equipment : a shoebox , some Kleenex , and a worm to be named later . Then I we . . . This meme was started by Delores a long time ago . Computer issues led her to bow out for a while . The meme was too much fun to let go , and now Words . . . My granddaughter 's wedding was wonderful . Only wish Dad & the Cowman could have been there . They would have had the best time , and they would have liked . . . I was innocently eating an apple when my grandson let out a cry of disbelief . What 's wrong ? I have to get an apple so I can show you how to eat one ! You ta . . . On Tuesday my mother was rushed to hospital . It took them 3 days to realise she 'd had a stroke . She is now unable to talk , eat or move the right hand side . . . My college major was in speech and language pathology . In voice science classes , I was always the bad example . The professor was always telling me to bre . . . This is going to be a raw post , because the mood here in and around Portland is raw . Bear with me . I have to get this out . Wow ! Has it been really a whole month already ? Time certainly does fly when you 're doing quadruple duty in the man cave because a story simply wouldn 't unb . . . The earth has made another revolution around the sun , and it is time to wish Sarah a happy birthday . I 've thought a lot about this one . She has the disti . . . Hey guys . So , here 's the thing . . . I think I 'm done . With blogging . I can 't say precisely why . It just feels like it 's time to move on from it . I may s . . . Where we used to live had bulk trash pickup 4 times a year . Let me tell you about the awesome crap people throw away ! My brothers have enjoyed participat . . . Here 's a " might have been " story from my past , fifty years past . It takes place in late May or early June of 1965 . There 's no message here , just a litt . . . Well hello again . Seems like Blogger just keeps calling me back . I 've had a facebook account for several years but I miss my blog friends . I have found . . . There has been so much I 've left unsaid these last few years . Good stuff . Awesome stuff . Sad stuff . Bad stuff . Angsty stuff that I have been too [ many . . . We are going through so many changes in education . Not just on a national , state or local level but also on the SCHOOL level . Teachers leaving , changing . . . Even a grandparenting site needs an occasional facelift . Soon you will see a fresher , more contemporary design on this page . ( To get an idea what it will . . . Hello everyone . . . . Saturday the 24th May would of been Merle 's 80th birthday . . . Unfortunately she is gone , but never forgotten . . . I just thought I would . . . This is Aaron , my stepson . He is a great guy who is quite creative and he loves to make people smile . He is a whiz at making all these different balloo . . . Many thanks to Jason Macek for sending us a link to the great chicken coop checklist infographic linked below . Building your own coop ? If you follow the ad . . . I hope you don 't get tired of my pictures of horses and cows . I just love it out here . We also have some donkeys ( which were camera shy today ) , deer , foxe . . . Well , here it is . . . FORTY ! Coming upon me like a lion going in for the kill and me , the little gazelle that has tried outrunning it and failed miserably . I . . . |
In case anyone knows the area those condos over there are on Singer Island . Yes , the sewing machine Singers . Very pretty . Oh , and the house at the bottom in the middle ? That 's Dr . Wacks . Today will find me at the Walmart shopping for the week . I really don 't need too much , I have all the fish and chicken for the week , just need veggies and some little stuff . Then I can get in the pool . I didn 't get in yesterday , when I got home from canasta I was really tired so I cooked some dinner and sat down at the computer for a bit and watched a bit of tv . But I did walk at least . Exciting day ! Ha ha . You will never believe this ! I am planning on voting for a Democrat in November . Yup , I am planning on voting for Bell Nelson for Senate . It will be the first Democrat I have voted for since Carter . Unless he ticks me off that is . Which is highly possible but still . I wonder what Sarge would say ? I doubt he 'd be happy about it but then we did differ on several matters . I 'm starting to get a bit tired of my red wall . I saw a room recently that I loved and it was all in browns , tans , and whites . I don 't know if I 'd like to live with that many neutrals but red does get old . Any ideas of colors ? I should go to a paint store and just look I think . See what tickles my fancy . And I still want to paint the bedroom purple . I haven 't forgotten that yet . Don 't think the Bee Bandwagon can work ? Think again ! The duck made this for me , wasn 't that lovely ? The mammogram was great , they read it while I waited . The chest x - ray I haven 't heard yet but expect it to be good as well . Today is Lala 's birthday . Oh , I forgot , she doesn 't use Lala anymore , she is Ayla now , her real name . She 's a beauty , that girl ! And her hubby isn 't half bad either ! Twenty five she is ! Where did those years go ? I remember the first time I held her like it was yesterday . The feeling of that first grandchild in your arms is like no other on earth . It is life altering . So grown up it makes my heart hurt ! When Matt deploys I wish she 'd come stay with me for a while , wouldn 't that be nice ? We could even take a cruise ! Ha ha . . . Have you heard of Magnetic nail polish ? I got some and did it myself and it 's not half bad . It was kind of fun to do . I 'm not sure yet that I love it but we 'll see . I have been " into " some pretty wild nails lately , well for me anyway . I used to be a pink girl . Now it 's turquoise , green , royal blue , purple , and now the magnetic polish in deep blue . I still don 't much like yellow but that 's just me . Oh , and this is not a paid ad either , just something I ran across . Today I have to get another mammogram and chest x - ray . I now have five years free of breast cancer and seven years free of lung cancer . Knock wood . And knock whatever else might help . Anyway I also can stop taking the Aromasin in a few more weeks . One less pill . They are really getting down there now ! I 'm still trying to decide what else to do with my life . I am doing a bit of beading but don 't want to sit all day and do that . What I want to do is get out of the house and move ! I sit too danged much . Enough of that . I 'm having some fun with Kate 's camera . I 've been playing around with panoramic and it 's pretty fun . I 've never tried it before and I 'm having to teach myself . So okay , this might be the start of a new series , not sure yet . " Bee v . Siri " . We had our first argument yesterday . I asked her if she could say " How may I help you ? " instead of " What can I help you with ? " ( which sets my teeth on edge just to type it ) and towards the end she said " Now now Bee ! " The sassy little thing . I am hoping we can get along but so far I find her a bit condescending , especially for someone with such bad grammar . We 'll see . Oh , and I named the new phone " Kate " after you - know - who . Beautiful , sleek , lovely . I was thinking ( I know , here we go again ) , anyway I was thinking about whether to look back or look ahead . I have decided to look ahead . No one can ever take away my memories , especially of my dear Sarge , but hopefully I have many years left and now I have to decide what to do with them . I could just continue to play cards and have lunch and blog , all of which I love , but I can also add more to my life . I could learn to play the piano . I could volunteer somewhere , maybe at the VA hospital ? I could travel more but don 't really want to do that alone . I have more energy now so I think I could do some more , well I know I could . Anyway it 's something I am thinking of doing and what the heck ? If I find I don 't like what I choose , well I can just do something else . I also thought about * gasp * taking up golf ! You know that really dumb sport where you hit a ball and go after it and hit it again ? Yeah , that one . We 'll see . Anyway I need something else besides online shopping . By the way , my self imposed shopping ban for the month of September was a total failure . Here 's a partial list : iPhone5 , 3 dresses , 4 pants , 11 tops , underwear , a pillow , some software , and the list goes on to adnauseum . Is that a word ? If not it should be . At least I didn 't buy any more bathing suits ! Wednesday and no MahJong today . Buggers . But Steve and Jane are coming so I will get out and do something . If it 's nice I 'll go to the pool and if not I 'll go to Publix and the fruitstand again . I like to get out of their way so they can clean , they have a system and it sure works ! My new iPhone came yesterday . It was so simple to get up and running . It just asked me questions and I answered it and the next thing I knew I was all done . Couldn 't have been easier . The battery was charged too , that surprised me . That 's another thing I can do today , go out and play with the camera . I hear it 's tits ! Yesterday at canasta I won five cents ! I 'm not kidding , five cents ! When I keep score I round to the nearest fifty cents after each hand but the gal that scored didn 't . Too funny . Now I have to tell you about another nutjob in my building . Remember the gal that I passed in her Mini Cooper and found out she was my new neighbor ? Remember I said I liked her ? Well I think I might have been wrong . Here is what happened . . . I walked out of the apartment Monday night to go downstairs and I smelled something burning . When I went down I told the door person it smelled like an electrical problem or something . She went up and decided to call the fire department . They came and smelled it too . There was no one else on my floor at the time , just her and me . I know it wasn 't in my apartment . The firemen knocked on her door and told her something was burning in her apartment . She denied it and said nothing was burning . They asked her if they could look around , it smelled like pot ? ? Anyway after some investigating they found she was burning a huge pot of sage . When they confronted her she told them she had to burn it because spirits were in there kicking her . Of ffs . I 'll keep you posted on this new nuts escapades . I know for a fact that no one ever died in that apartment and I told her that . It seemed to make her a bit happier but she 's not done , I 'm sure of it . Have any of you had any experiences like this ? I 'd be curious to know if you have . So go out there and have a totally lovely Wednesday , I will too . . . It seems that is a very good question . The first person I saw that did the initial exam had no earthly idea and never heard of it before . The next person I saw that dilated my eyes actually asked me what happened . Then I saw Dr . Katzen . He knew . He said most babies are born with blue eyes and over time they change as pigment develops over the blue . For some reason the pigment in my eyes wore away ( most of it , he still saw a bit of it in there ) and the original blue was able to be seen again . Also there is now under development a medication to do just this , it 's not ready yet . There seem to be a lot of people that want natural blue eyes . Lucky me . On another note my eyes are still great . There is the very slightest sign of early cataracts but not hurting my vision at all yet . Nothing else wrong . Great vision . No glasses needed for anything but reading and drug store readers are fine . He is a fabulous eye doctor , Sarge always used him . But there was some poor planning on my part . I never thought about my eyes being dilated . That meant I could not get in the pool because the sun was too bright . Sooooo , I had a lovely nap instead . The end . Well let 's start off with a recap of yesterday . The sun actually came out ! Nice and warm too . I went to brunch with the duck and saw Dr . Wacks and his wife there . He was very happy and called me the duck 's sister ! Ha ha . Then we went to the Walmart which was the usual zoo of a place but I got lots of good bargains in good food . We found those chicken breasts that I buy in a big box ( they are individually wrapped organic ones ) and I got those too . I came home and was able to get in the pool . I did 30 minutes of walking back and forth . I think my hip is a bit better but I am being very careful . My friend was there ( the nurse ) and she had a great suggestion . She said for the next three days or so I should take Advil as an anti - inflammatory . I 'm doing that now . I don 't know why I didn 't think of that myself . Now remember today I have the eye doctor . After that not much going on so I hope it 's nice and I 'll be at the pool then and in the evening I have poker . It 's usually on a Tuesday but since Tuesday is the high holy day we moved it to Monday this week . I like potatoes fried with onion . Really like them . Well yesterday I figured out how to do them very low calorie and so simple . I sliced the onions thin and the potatoes thin as well . Put a pile of them ( enough for several meals ) on a baking sheet , a little salt and pepper , some Pam spray , in they went at 400 for one hour . They browned and they were delicious as a side dish . I mean really delicious . I don 't think I 'd ever fry them again . No mess , no splattering oil , no fattening oil , just healthy good potatoes and onions . Oh , and when I bake things like that I always use that non - stick foil . I love that stuff , no pan to clean even ! And come back another day . Gosh it rained and rained and rained ! By the time it quit it was pretty late to swim and not too warm anyway so I didn 't go . I did , however , clean out a really pesky drawer that needed done in a big way and also did a bunch of stuff around the condo including cooking and sorting and laundry . Big day , huh ? But I suppose days like this make other days seem exciting . Tomorrow I am getting my eyes checked finally . It 's been a while since I 've gone and I know I shouldn 't put off things like this . And don 't forget , for some reason my eyes turned blue recently . They used to be hazel . I wonder what he 'll say about that ? I don 't watch much national news these days because of all the political krap but I did watch some yesterday . So many people around the world hating Americans . And yet they take our money . Why do we continue to send it ? I have no idea . They are burning our flag and Israel 's flag and stepping on them . Truly awful people out there . Hateful and horrible . I was so sorry I watched it too because it did me no good and only upset me . Back to the local stuff for me again . Today is the Autumnal Equinox . Latin meaning " equal night " , the same amount of day and night , light and dark . The sun rises due east and sets due west on this day . Also it 's the first day of fall . The favorite season of so many . When we lived in Podunk it was certainly mine but in South Florida , well , not nearly as much . Well I did get to have lunch with the duck yesterday . He 's doing good , just busy busy busy . There is a golf tournament coming up to benefit the Fern House and that has him hopping along with all the other stuff in his daily day but he loves it and busy is much better than not busy ! So this is a photo of the new pillow I ordered . It has a memory foam center and some kind of other thing on the outside to keep you cool , I forget what it 's called . Anyway it came yesterday and I used it . For about an hour . Then I got up and got my old one out . The reason is the smell . I know memory foam has an odor for a few days after you open it and then it goes away . For the hour or so that I actually laid on it I found it very comfortable . It 'll be another few days before I get to try it for the whole night though . Gosh is this my third post on a pillow ? Is my life that dull ? Well no , actually I love my life , I just don 't have much to talk about . I guess I should take another fish oil pill and let my brain go ! The pool was especially nice yesterday . Not windy , warm , not too sunny , and very warm water . And no one around . What more could you want ? I know when the snow birds come back times like that will be few and far between but for now I am just enjoying the peace and quiet of the still almost empty building . Hopefully it won 't rain all day , the weather says 60 % chance of rain so I plan on going swimming for the other 40 % ! Plus I have to go to Publix for a few things and maybe the fruit stand . I 'll also see if the duck can get away for a short time for lunch . That would be lovely . He 's been so busy lately . I got switched over to new blogger yesterday . I don 't like it yet but I 'll try to keep an open mind and see if I can learn to use it . Normally I don 't mind change but it wasn 't broken and oh well , onward and upward we go . It happened a few times before but I was always able to change it back , well , not this time it seems . The main thing I don 't like is to see the whole line in the post as I write it I have to zoon out so far I can no longer read it so it 's either keep going left and right on the line or get close to the screen . Either way it 's not working for me . My new pillow arrived yesterday . It 's tempur - pedic on the inside and some sort of " cool " foam on the outside . Don 't know if I 'll like it yet but I 'll try it . My old one was getting pretty sad . I use a pillow with the contour for the neck , regular ones give me a stiff neck . I always have trouble on a cruise with that . I am wondering if I could somehow cut my old one to make it smaller and get it in my suitcase . I 'm going to try that too . Gosh this is a boring post , sorry . I 'll go now and hope something more interesting happens , if so I 'll let you know ! Have a great Friday . Me too . . . Very weary indeed . Every day when I open my mailbox there is mail asking for money for this candidate or that one and the phone calls are driving me insane . Everyone has already made up their mind and no one is going to change their mind so why are we going through all of this nonsense ? You know I love my MahJong gals . A lot . They are very liberal . I am not . They don 't understand me and for the love of life I sure don 't understand them but no one is going to change their minds . Or mine . We are just wasting time , money , and our nerves . Just get it over with already and let the best man win . I had no intention of getting in the pool yesterday but I did anyway , I didn 't jog though because I am very careful of my hip right now . I did , however , walk in the water for 30 minutes . So far so good . And it felt wonderful . There was no one around and it was just warm and lovely , exactly what I needed . Today is lunch and canasta at the club . This week I have been on a big winning streak . Too bad there was no poker , right ? Can I keep it up ? Well you know how much I love my MahJong gals so Wednesdays are good days for me . And Big Brother ends tonight and Survivor starts . So much to do and so little time ! Ha ha . . . Yesterday I didn 't get in the pool after canasta even though it was beautiful outside . My hip was hurting and I didn 't want to take a chance of injuring it again so I just walked for exercise . It feels like just a tinge of bursitis and I sure as all get out don 't want that mess again ! If it isn 't completely better I am going to rest it until Friday and then go easy on it in the pool , at least that 's my plan . I know things change so we 'll see . Who knows , maybe it 'll be completely well ! That would be lovely . There was no poker last night because so many of the players are out of town for the holiday so I stayed in and watched White Collar and Covert Affairs . Boy are they good . I love that kink of show . I used to LOVE Alias , anyone remember that show ? It was my very favorite of all time . Enough tv talk , let 's talk about something nice . Are you doing something nice for someone else yet this week ? It 's even better if they don 't know you did it . Seriously that 's a thrill for me . Try it , it 's like a game but only good comes from it . I heard Palm Beach County is trying to get slots again . I seriously doubt it 'll happen . They have been talking about it for years . There is some Florida law that only lets them in Miami - Dade and Broward counties , I don 't know what it is but I heard that on the news . Palm Beach Kennel Club ( where Sarge played poker ) would be where they would go . We 'll see . I really don 't care one way or the other because I don 't play them . Well maybe twenty bucks on a cruise but usually not . Well it was supposed to rain again yesterday but it didn 't so I got to swim . Today is Monday again , the start of a brand spanking new week . Let 's all make it special somehow . Do something nice for someone okay ? So yesterday I was coming home from the Walmart and this little bugger Mini Cooper was putting along in front of me so I passed it and cut back in and came home . I noticed it was behind me coming in the gate . Then when I dropped off my packages with the doorman I noticed it was behind me again . Oh krap , she lives in my building . I have never seen her before but oh well , maybe she doesn 't know it was me that swerved around her slow a $ $ . So I park and get my cart of groceries and come up in the elevator . I dump them in the kitchen and go back to the elevator to try to send it back down before it leaves my floor so I don 't have to wait . Bazinga , it comes and off she gets with her cart of groceries . She is my new neighbor . So I act all " so happy to have you on this floor , welcome to the building " and hope to hell she doesn 't recognize me . She doesn 't seem to so I am off the hook . Anyway she is very nice and I like her already . Bad me . Bad bad . And - - - - - - - - speaking of bad , I bought a new pillow online . And - - - - - - - - - a pair of jeans . I know ! Bad girl . Total fail on my part . But if you are keeping track ( and you probably are ) all I have admittedly bought this month is an iPhone5 , a tempu - pedic pillow and a pair of jeans . For me this is really really good . But not good enough , I know . Oh well , krap on a stick , I bought more than that . Two dresses , six tops , two pairs of pants plus what I already admitted . Buggers to me . Hello my name is empress bee and I am a shopaholic . Stop me please ! Autumn is showing up on blogs all across the blogesphere so I thought I 'd post this shot that I took a few years ago in Podunk . I have lots of them but this one is early fall . The only thing changing colors in my world are my fingernails and toenails ( aqua this week , pink last week ) and the snow birds license plates as they head into paradise . I don 't really know why they come this early because autumn really is lovely where they live , I 'd wait until the leaves fell and then come south if it were me . ( Right Sandy ? ) Anyway they are starting to arrive and it 's a great big hello at the club for each returning gal . Some I am very glad to see , others , well not so much . So yesterday I had no card game so I was able to get my hair done . It was decided that getting my hair done was not " shopping " , it was " maintenance " . So if you are keeping score I have only slipped up once so far . And again , since my purchase won 't arrive until October , well , I think I might still be good ! My weight is starting to drop again . I still might make my goal of 70 pounds by October 1st . It 's two weeks away so maybe , just maybe . If not , well I gave it one heck of a shot . I feel marvelous ! I have energy ! I love life ! The ups and downs of it just make it more interesting . Speaking of that , a great big " thank you God ! " for someone near and dear to me who rolled his car off an embankment when a deer ran out in front of him and he walked away from it . You never know when the unexpected will happen , be ready . It was rainy and nasty all day yesterday so I didn 't get to swim at all . I always feel better when I do . Maybe today the clouds will go somewhere else ! Have a great Sunday . Me too . . . I broke down and pre ordered it today , in white of course . I watched the video and fell in love . And that 's all I am buying until October 1st ! I think . And it won 't be here for several weeks so it 's really like I bought it next month anyway , right ? And then I called Apple headquarters to tell them that Siri is using bad grammer . She says " what can I help you with ? " . Seriously Siri ? I couldn 't help myself . Siri please say " how may I help you ? " instead . They told me in a future upgrade they will consider this . I hope they do because every single time she says this to me I will correct her and we will probably argue about it . So yesterday the duck met me at the car dealership where I dropped off the car and we went to breakfast . He took me back and I waited in the lounge until it was ready . By myself . As it turns out I knew the service tech " Shorty " from many trips with Sarge at another dealership and he took very good care of the car , rotated the tires , changed the oil , filled all the fluids , checked the brakes , washed the car and gave it back to me . He said for me to get that done every six months and it is all free . Sarge did have that option on the car . It now has 6100 miles on it and it 's 2 years old . Part of that mileage was a trip we made too . I think I drive about 100 miles a month . Shorty said it didn 't matter , in the heat the oil should be changed at 6 months . Okay then , I can do it ! By myself ! Yee haw ! So I came home and got in the pool . It was very windy but I still had a great workout . I also lost a bit more weight which made me very happy . So what did I have in a restaurant for breakfast you ask ? Well I know you bee bandwagoners want to know , the rest of you just go to the next paragraph , ok ? I had the cook make an egg beater omelet with cooking spray instead of butter , inside fresh mushrooms and green peppers ( no cheese ) and whole wheat toast , dry . Fruit on the side and coffee with milk ( not cream ) . Absolutely delicious , I promise you . And I gave my fruit to the duck . Here is my tip of the day . Who knew ? Blenders fit into mason jars ! Have a look here . So that 's it from paradise for today . Hope your Saturday is wonderful . I know mine will be . Well I 'm off today as you know . No , not that kind of off either . I mean really , just because I sing Jingle Bells in the pool you think I 'm off ? I stopped losing weight again . Buggers on plateaus . They are no fun . I shall keep going and it will come off again soon . October 1st will be one year . I wanted to lose 75 pounds but that 's not going to happen and then 70 and now that looks doubtful too . Well that is if I eat anything else in the next two weeks . Now I 'm shooting for 67 - 68 . It does get slower after a while . I see all my bee bandwagoners losing so good and I am just staying the same . I want to be a good role model . Must . Eat . Less . I got a letter in the mail yesterday giving me a free oil change . I have never gotten an oil change before in my entire life . Hells bells I have never even pumped my own gas . Should I try to do it ? Do you think I can ? I called them and asked if I needed an appointment and they said no , just to come in and they 'll do it . It 's a Lincoln Dealership . They probably think if they get me in there and I have to sit around and wait that maybe I 'll buy a new car . Nope , not gonna ' happen . They don 't know about my shopping ban do they ! Ha ha ha . Now if I can 't buy an iPhone5 I sure as heck am not going to buy a stupid car . I don 't even care if I have a car . I finally got my home telephone in my name yesterday . I have been trying and they kept telling me I had to shut it off and open a new account in my name which I would do until they tell me I have to get a new phone number . I don 't want a new phone number . Finally I managed to get it done and a better price at the same time . It pays to be persistant . Next I 'll have to change FPL . There are no electric discounts so that one won 't be any fun . I love getting discounts . Or maybe I 'll just let that slide for a bit longer . |
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Leave a comment Heat . Unmitigated , unimaginable , unquenchable heat seared through the silk blouse Jenna wore and began melting the skin underneath . As she lay , stunned by the scene playing itself out before her , her mind screamed at her to get away - to save herself , to move , to do something , anything . But her body wouldn 't move - couldn 't move . The ground held her fast - clawing , clutching , clinging to her , holding her there even as she fought to get free . But she was paralyzed . Paralyzed by the fear , the pain , and … Tearing herself upward , Jenna jerked upright . Instantly the ground released her , and she came straight up , gasping , shaking , blinking . But there were no flames in front of her now , only darkness and a silence more deafening than any explosion . She fought to breathe , to right her world , but even as she lay back down on the sweat - soaked pillow , she knew nothing in her world would ever be right again . The water slid over her arms as the terror from the night before dissolved from her mind . There had always been something soothing about the water to Jenna Davis . Somehow , in the water , all of her troubles disappeared , and she could pretend , if only for a few moments , that everything was all right again . In recent years the water had become her only refuge from long days - and even longer nights - filled with memories and nightmares . In the water it all washed away as though the nightmares were no more than devil dreams from her childhood . Here , she could relax and believe for one improbably desperate moment that everything was again perfect , like it used to be . She forced even that thought from her mind as she turned at one end of the pool and pushed off for the other side . One more lap , she told herself firmly , and then she would have to go . Her arms sliced easily through the cool water . This was her domain , her solace , her world , and she was determined to enjoy every last minute of it . Toys lay scattered across the room . There was no way Scott Browning was going to get all of this stuff back into the three suitcases lying open on the beds . Why did his mother have to give Lane six million toys every time they came out here ? However , he smiled in spite of himself as he surveyed the mess . He couldn 't be annoyed with her . She and his father had just seen him through one of the worst years of his life . How could he begrudge them a few toys for their only grandchild ? Somehow , he would just have to make them fit . He pulled yet another carry - on bag out of the closet . He hadn 't wanted to take this much luggage . It was always such a pain to get someone to help at the airports , but with a two - year - old , three suitcases , and a carry - on bag in tow , he wasn 't going to have much of a choice once he got to Newark . Carefully , Scott stowed his laptop into the bottom of the carry - on . The long list of patients he would have to contact when he returned played itself over in his mind . Two weeks was too long to be gone from a private medical practice , but the downtime had done him good . He 'd needed it more than even he had realized when they left . However , it was a luxury that wouldn 't come again anytime soon . And downtime was over now . Reality was back . He knew the pressures of work would descend as soon as they stepped off that plane . Raking his fingers through his off - blond hair , he thought that at least with the laptop along , he might be able to get some work done before he got to Newark - that was if Lane would behave himself . That was always a big if as Scott had learned so well over the past year . When she entered the house , the same wave of expectation flooded over her that always did . It had been almost three years , and still she expected them to greet her every time she returned . With a by - now - familiar shake of her head and her spirit , Jenna pushed her mind to more pressing matters . She had spent far too much time at the pool , and now she was going to have to hurry to make her flight . It was a good thing her bags had been packed for a week , she thought grabbing them up . She swung one bag to her shoulder , but it slipped back to the floor as she caught sight of the pictures that still lined the dresser . Slowly she walked over to them and fingered the eight - by - ten family picture that dominated the top of the polished wood . Jeff would understand why she had to go , why staying here was going to kill her . He would , even if she didn 't . She forced the emotions that threatened to overflow back into their home in her heart . Now was not the time for tears . Now was the time to move on as everyone she knew had been telling her she needed to do for three years . Yes , it was time for her to do what she had been promising herself she would for two weeks . This trip was about moving on with her life , about finally going forward rather than backward . Her gaze fell as it always did to the band of diamonds and gold on her finger . How could she move on with Jeff 's ring still planted firmly on her finger ? She looked at it as though for the first time , and the tears came again , stinging her eyes . Beautiful had never adequately described that ring in her mind , and the word didn 't come close even now . It wasn 't that the ring was huge exactly , but he had picked it out for her . For that reason alone , it was beautiful . Still . It had been three years , and they all said … She slipped the ring off her finger and picked up the box on the dresser she had gotten out two nights before when she had planned to do this very thing and then couldn 't . He would understand , she told herself firmly as she placed the ring in the box and then slid it into the top drawer . Yes , Jeff would understand . With a jerk of her head to get her dark braid off her shoulder , Jenna picked up her bags again and walked resolutely out of the room , her heart aching more and more with every step . She had only taken a few steps from the room when the pain stopped her . No matter how hard she fought against it , she felt like she was leaving a piece of herself in that drawer . Surely , she reasoned , it wouldn 't hurt to just bring it along . She didn 't have to wear it - just put it in her purse . Teri would never know the difference , and Jenna was sure she wouldn 't have to answer the age - old question of why she was still wearing it . Before she could lose her nerve , she raced back , grabbed the box from its hiding place and shoved it into her purse . Instantly she felt better . With Jeff with her , she was ready to go show Teri that she was ready to move on with her life . The hugs and kisses overflowed as did the tears when Scott and Lane finally broke the bond and boarded the plane for home . It was difficult to explain to a two - year - old who had been spoiled rotten for two weeks why they had to leave . Worse , Scott 's heart didn 't fully understand it either , but the fight to get Lane onto the plane escalated to the point that his heartache over the situation became secondary . Embarrassment swept over him as several of the passengers eyed him when he finally swung his son , kicking and screaming , into his free arm and warned him in no uncertain terms that he 'd better start behaving or else . The kicking stopped , and Lane lapsed , thankfully , into a pouting silence . Scott sighed in relief . It wasn 't Lane 's fault , Scott thought as he looked at his son and gave him a tired hug . As hard as this past year had been on Scott , it had been infinitely worse on Lane . He tried not to let the melancholy sink into his thoughts , but it was never far away . He was not excited about the prospect of leaving any more than Lane was , but it was something that couldn 't be avoided . They had a life on the other side of the country whether they liked it or not . He settled Lane into the middle seat and opened the overhead compartment . Then he thought better of stowing the bag up there and took his own seat next to the window . He stuffed the bag with the laptop and snacks under the seat ahead of him . If Lane needed something in - flight , Scott certainly didn 't want to have to climb over him and the other passenger to get it . Besides , with the laptop in there , there was always that slim chance that he might get to do a little work before they touched down in New Jersey . He checked the usual papers and registration which took another precious five minutes . Jenna sat helplessly in the car willing him to hurry . So many things she hadn 't planned for , and now she was going to miss her flight to Newark and her chance to move on . The officer returned and issued her a citation . He wished her a nice day and told her to slow it down , and once again she was on her way . Why do they always seem so happy to give you a ticket ? she wondered angrily as she pulled into the overflowing parking lot of the Dallas - Forth Worth Airport . There was no way she would make this flight . " Lane , " Scott said sharply , his patience running thin . " Listen to me . You need to sit there and be quiet ! Here . " He fished for the Tell - a - Bear Grandma had given him as a going away present . He handed the bear to Lane who immediately hugged it to him . Scott took Lane 's tiny hand in his and willed him to go to sleep . The eight hour flight was going to be a disaster if Lane behaved like this the whole way . The whining stopped for the moment , and he seemed to settle down as Scott made the final preparations for them both . Then they taxied down the runway , bumped once , and were airborne - leaving Grandma and Grandpa waving at the window . Why had she packed so much stuff ? The bags crashed into her legs as Jenna raced through the crowded airport . They were draped over every inch of her as she made her way to the ticket counter . Lines and more lines . She let out an exasperated sigh and attached herself to what looked like the shortest one , praying it would move quickly . " Thanks , " Jenna said and took off for the gate as fast as her legs and the carry - on would let her . The line through security was another maddening delay . Shoes . Jewelry . Belt . When she finally made it to the Concourse , she checked her watch - two minutes to spare . " Please be late . Please be late . " Her legs were about to give out when she finally spotted Gate 84 , but she pushed on with every remaining ounce of strength . She had to make this flight . However , just as she rounded the last corner , she could see the plane backing out and the attendant closing the door to the boarding platform . " No , you don 't understand , " Jenna said as panic gripped her soul . " I have to make that flight . I have to be on it . " " But you don 't understand . I need to get to Newark . I have to go to Newark . " Jenna stepped up and dropped her bags around her . It was true - Teri didn 't even know she was coming , but Jenna felt like this was her last chance , and she was doubtful that she would ever get herself to take another one . " I don 't care . " Jenna shook her head and re - righted the last bag strap on her shoulder . " I have to get to Newark . " " I 'll see what I can do . " The attendant started punching buttons on the computer as Jenna watched hopefully . " Yes , Flight 971 leaves in about thirty minutes from Gate 92 . It will make a stop in Chicago where you can catch Flight 259 to Newark . " " I 'll tell you what . " Scott fished again in the bag at his feet , while commending himself for his foresight in stowing it where he could get to it . " I have some animal crackers . " " C ' ackers . " Both little hands shot out , reaching for the food and dropping the bear , which Scott retrieved . Scott gave him a few crackers , hoping they would get the chance to get some more at Chicago . If not , he would be down to a health bar and gum . Finally on the plane , Jenna slipped the headphones over her ears and closed her eyes . She had never been a big fan of flying . That was why she and Jeff had gone to Colorado on their honeymoon . He had tried so hard to talk her into going to the Bahamas , but she wouldn 't budge - no flying , no way . The grudging compromise had been Colorado . However , she recalled with a smile , it wouldn 't have mattered where they were as they hadn 't seen much of anything for the week other than the inside of the cottage where they had stayed and each other . " G ' a ' ma , " Lane wailed , a move that ripped Scott 's patience in two . In one motion he snapped off the seatbelt , pulled the little boy up out of the seat and crossed in front of his annoyed fellow passenger . This couldn 't continue . He headed for the lavatory and once inside , locked the door . " Now you listen here , " Scott said , trying to keep his own anger in check . It wasn 't easy . " Look at me . You cannot keep crying like this . There are other people on this plane , and you have to be a good boy . Do you hear me ? " " Lane Scott Browning , " Scott said furiously , and without thinking he did something he had rarely ever done - he reached down and swatted Lane - hard . Lane whimpered and cringed away . The sight twisted Scott 's heart right out of him . " Now look . You 've got to behave . Okay ? We 're going out there , and you 're going to sit still , and be quiet . Do you hear me ? " Lane looked at him , and the tears trickling down his son 's face ripped Scott 's heart out . This was not what he had bargained for when Amber had announced she was pregnant what seemed a lifetime ago . Then again , he hadn 't bargained on much of any of the rest of it either . " Okay , " Scott finally said more calmly as he picked the child up . He unlatched the door and walked with his son in his arms to his seat . He could feel the eyes of every person he walked by on him , and he was thankful he was only a few seats from the back . Lane continued to whimper even as he settled back down into the seat . Maybe holding him wasn 't such a bad idea , so Scott simply cradled Lane next to him . It seemed the better idea for both of them . Jenna 's mind was working overtime . This was exactly why she had avoided being alone . Alone meant time to think and remember . Her thoughts bounced back and forth until they found a resting place on the events of the previous evening . She willed the thoughts away , but nothing would replace them for very long . Finally she gave in and let them take her . Had her mother really said those things to her ? Had she really said those things to her mother ? Jenna shook her head at the thought as the familiar tears threatened . Why did her mother have to be so clingy ? Why did Jenna have to be so stubborn ? They were questions that would never be answered , but they plagued her just the same . " What life ? " Jenna had yelled back furiously . " Playing tennis with my mother during the day and coming back to an empty house filled with memories every night ? I 'm 29 years old . I can 't live like this forever . It 's not my fault you think you can 't start over . I 've spent three years trying to make up for what happened , but I 'm tired of trying , Mother . I 'm tired . Do you understand that ? I am sick of it , and I can 't do it anymore . Nothing I can say or do is going to bring them back . Don 't you get that ? Nothing ! They 're gone ! And they 're not coming back ! " " No , we don 't . " The pain tore holes in Jenna , and she cringed from the words . " I don 't have you . You have me , but I 've never had you . I can 't talk to you . I can 't lean on you . I spend all my time trying to fill the void that is my life and yours , but I can 't do it anymore . I can 't , and I won 't ! " " So , you 're leaving then ? Just like that . You 're going to pack up and leave me here by myself - your own mother ? This is your solution ? To run away ? That 's just so typical of you . " Hurt crawled over the ache . " I can 't stay here . Don 't you see that ? I have to find a place to start , and then maybe I can go on with my life . " But Jenna knew better , and this time she wasn 't backing down . " No , I can 't , Mother . You won 't let me ! " Tired slithered over Jenna 's spirit as she sat down heavily on the little stool overlooking the kitchen counter . " I don 't know what it means . It means I 'm leaving , and I don 't know when I 'm coming back . " It was at that moment something in her snapped . She stood , pulled her purse to her shoulder , and looked her mother square in the eye . " You know what , I really don 't care … " The final hour of the flight had been mostly uneventful . At least they hadn 't had to go back to the lavatory again . Scott had regained some of his confidence in his own parenting abilities , which was saying something . Lane was now sleeping peacefully in his arms , and the man across the abyss of the seat next to him had long since ceased the dirty looks . " Ding ! " The speaker above him crackled to life . " We are now preparing to make our final decent into Chicago 's O ' Hare International Airport . " " No , Lane , hey buddy , it 's okay , " Scott said , jumping into frantic action . " It 's all right I promise . No , no don 't cry . Lane , we 're going to land , see … " Jenna gathered her things , fighting tired with everything in her . One more flight and she would be in New Jersey - far , far away from Texas . If she could just get there , surely everything would be better . She glanced out the window once again , and apprehension rose in her . The rain outside zigged and zagged down the windows in crazy patterns . This was something she hadn 't counted on . Flying was bad enough , but flying in the rain was worse . Scott sighed , nodded , and thanked her . With one hand on his son , he pulled the bag out from under the seat and fished through it trying to get an accurate assessment of how many snacks they had left . The sad and terrifying truth was he would have to be very sparing in his snack offerings this flight . He was already dreading the next three hours . This trip was murder on him . Lane , he was sure , couldn 't take much more . The plane around her filled quickly . Surely it couldn 't be long before they would take off . She surveyed her fellow passengers . They all looked much like she was sure she did - harried , tired , and frazzled . Traveling like this was one of her least favorite things to do , and she contemplated simply driving home when that time came , if it ever did . " Stop it , Jenna . Just don 't think about it . " The words under her breath came as she flipped the dark strands that were rapidly coming loose from the braid back . A nice - looking , young couple passed her on their way to the back . She smiled to herself - probably on their honeymoon . The thought slid through her mind , and it snagged in the deep dark webbing that now surrounded her heart . There was something about honeymooners that set them apart from everyone else . She thought of Jeff again . He was never far from her thoughts . Tall , lean , dark and very handsome . They had made such a great couple . " Don 't mention it . " Only then did Jenna realize she had to find another seat . Looking around , she realized that wouldn 't be easy . Except for a few unoccupied middle seats , there weren 't many left . Finally she saw an aisle seat toward the back of the plane . She headed for it and smiled to the young man and little boy sitting there . " Is this seat taken ? " The man who sat by the window with his arm around the child looked up , and pools of clear blue gazed out from under the tumble of disheveled blond hair . " What ? Oh . Uh . No . No . " Jenna wasted no time getting into the seat . She pushed her purse under the seat ahead of them . The flight attendant requested that seatbelts and tray tables be readied for take - off . But as Jenna reached for hers , there was an un - Godly scream from right next to her . Instinctively she put her hand out to sooth the child . Suddenly she stopped and looked up in embarrassment . He was staring at her over the child 's head . Nothing moved . All she could see were the incredible blue eyes gazing right through her soul . " Here . " Jenna grabbed up her purse and reached inside . " Look what I have . " She produced a sucker from the depths of the bag and held it out to Lane who reached for it without hesitation . She unwrapped it and handed it to him just as she realized what she had done . She looked down at Lane already happily munching away on the sucker , and it was clear he was not going to relinquish it anytime soon . It was all she could do not to reach out and touch him . He looked like a tiny angel that had alighted on earth . " He 's precious . " " Thanks . " The man settled Lane back into his own seat and buckled him in before checking his own . He was young , early thirties she guessed though she didn 't dwell there . He smiled at her again with an impish , weary shrug . " But you might have a different opinion by the time this ride is over . " The guy 's smile faded . " Yeah , well . You didn 't see the last guy who got to sit by him . I think he was more than happy to see the airport . " Jenna sat back in her chair and closed her eyes . Take - off and landing - the worst times of the flight . She would fly forever if it weren 't for those two times . Share this : TwitterFacebookTumblrRedditPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted on June 27 , 2016 , in all books , Amazon , Amazon book , Amazon Kindle , Barnes & Noble , barnesandnoble , books , Chapter , Christian Book , Christian Books , e books , ebook , ebooks , Excerpt , Excerpts , fiction book , fiction books , fiction novel , fiction novels , great book , great books , Kindle , Kindle Amazon , kindle books , novel romance , novels , romance novel stories , romance stories , romance story , romantic novel , Staci Stallings , stories romance , Uncategorized and tagged Amazon , Amazon Kindle , Kindlebooks , romance novels , Staci Stallings . Leave a comment Jaycee felt his gaze and shrank from it . Looking at her watch , she let her shoulders slump . " So . You about ready ? I could get the check . " Although she had expected him to bounce right up , he didn 't move except for his finger going up and down the moisture on his glass . " I don 't know . " He glanced over to the tiny dance floor that now had a few couples scattered on it . Tipping his head that direction , he shrugged . " You into dancing ? " Her eyes jerked up so quickly , they almost came loose from her body . " Dancing ? " she asked in barely disguised horror . " Oh . No . I don 't really … " She glanced over at the little wooden floor as that song ended and the guitarist thanked the audience . At that moment he stood and held his hand out and down across the table to her . " Come on . " He tilted his head toward the dance floor , and Jaycee thought she might actually pass out . In fact , if she could have made that happen , she would have . Not seeing any way to turn him down , she nodded to herself . Okay . It 's one dance , Jayc . Don 't freak out here . It 's just one , little dance . Just get through it , and we can go home . Putting her hand into his took a supreme act of willpower , and standing from the table took even more because his hand proved to be so warm and solid around hers . " But I 'm not very good at this , " she said , cowering behind his advance as he wove their way through the tables , his hand wrapped around hers so she couldn 't have run if she had wanted to . " I haven 't … " She whipped her head back , sending her ponytail back and off her shoulder as she looked up at him . " I haven 't done this since high school . The prom . And I was horrible at it then too . " However , the look in his grayish - green eyes was soft . " I wouldn 't say you 're horrible . A little quirky . Kind of bossy sometimes . But not horrible . " The compliment or whatever it was drove right down into her heart because she was not at all prepared for him to be so charming . Why that was , she wasn 't sure because she had seen him be charming . More than a few times . Then she wrenched her gaze from his and dropped it between them . What was she thinking ? This was Derek West . The Derek West . The man who was practically a household name with more women than she cared to count in their many travels . Just because they were here dancing didn 't change that fact . More to the point , the reason he was even dancing with her was because there was not a better choice in the place . Thankfully , before she completely humiliated herself , that song ended , and she let go of him and backed away , tucking her hands in her back pockets . " Uh . Thanks . " Share this : TwitterFacebookTumblrRedditPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted on June 11 , 2016 , in all books , Amazon , Amazon book , Amazon Kindle , Amazon Prime , books , books online , Christian Book , Christian Books , e books , ebook , ebooks , Excerpt , Excerpts , fiction book , fiction books , fiction novel , fiction novels , Good book , Good books , great book , great books , Kindle , Kindle Amazon , kindle books , novel romance , novels , romance novel , romance novel stories , romance stories , romance story , romantic novel , Staci Stallings , stories romance and tagged Amazon , Kindle , kindle books , Preorder , series , Staci Stallings , The Grace Series . Leave a comment " And that 's a wrap ! Thanks , everyone ! " Jaycee Lawrence called over the crowded front lawn . Cameras , boom mics , and cords snaked in all directions , save for the direction where Derek West stood , hugging the grateful homeowners one last time . Derek . Smooth , cool , easy - going Derek just smiled under that thick scruff of whiskers that got all the girls ' hearts a - flutter . " It really did turn out beautifully . " " Are you kidding ? I 'll be in there with her ! " John put his arm around his wife and hugged her to him . " We , really … we 're so grateful . " Staying just slightly to the side and back out of the way , Jaycee waited . Soon enough Derek would tear himself away from the adulation and rejoin reality . She used to worry about that , jumping in to tell him they needed to go right away . Now she knew he knew that well enough , but he also understood the value of spending just a few more minutes after the cameras stopped rolling so the homeowners didn 't feel like they were just one more stop on his agenda . They turned and waved their good - byes . With one more wave back at them , Jaycee looked up at Derek and patted him on the back . " Another miracle makeover . The ratings people are going to love it . " He shrugged and smiled that smile that almost wasn 't as they started for the cars . The crew had already started the cleaning job that would take most of the next two hours . " Making dreams come true . That 's what we 're all about , right ? " " Indiana . " Jaycee slid into the driver 's seat of the little white rental car they 'd been using for the past six weeks and stowed the clipboard that was never far away in the backseat with the rest of her things . " Gary . It 's a cute little two - story with a dad and his daughter . The mom passed away a couple years ago . They 're still trying to recover , move on , you know ? " She started the car and headed out of the little neighborhood for the last time , bound for the airport . If they were lucky , they 'd be in Gary early enough to get some decent food and maybe even a good night 's sleep . " Kitchen ? Family room ? " He finished the water and eased back into the seat . She couldn 't blame him for being exhausted . He 'd been working night and day on this last remodel , and like most of them it had gone right down to the wire . " Basement and maybe the master . " Glancing both directions , she turned out onto the four - lane and checked the direction on the GPS . North . Good . At least she wouldn 't get them hopelessly lost this time . Driving had been one of the most challenging parts of this job at first , that and keeping her heart in check every time Derek West walked into the room . Nobody had to tell her why he was such a hit on the Home & Hearth Channel . Tall , with massively good looks . Just the right amount of build . Kind . Affable . Hard - working . He was the guy every woman in America wanted in her kitchen . The fact that she got to work with him nearly round the clock and up - close - and - personal had not been lost on her heart for the first several months , but eventually , they had settled into an easy rhythm and she couldn 't be upset about that . After all , she , more than anyone , knew Derek West was not the kind of guy who would ever settle down with someone . Oh , no . He had hot dates lined up from one coast to the other , and Jaycee had finally accepted that none of those dates would ever include her . As they sped out onto the freeway , she looked over at him because he hadn 't replied , and sure enough , he was already sleeping . Her cell phone beeped , and she dug for it in her purse on the console between them , finally coming up with it just as another motorist honked his displeasure with her driving . " Pick a lane , " she said to the car in front of her . With Derek sleeping , she didn 't want to use the speaker phone , so she swiped it on and put it to her ear . " Jaycee Lawrence . " " Bump it up ? Brent ? You can 't be serious . " With only one hand on the wheel , she maneuvered into the split lane veering off to the right . " Derek is done for . Seriously . He needs a few days . " " Days he doesn 't have . Tell you what . It 's Thursday . If you guys can be at the Smith house in the morning to do the initial run through , he can take Saturday and Sunday off . How 's that ? " Gee , thanks for your magnanimous generosity . She wanted to say it , but she didn 't . " Can we at least make it ten tomorrow ? We 're going to be lucky to get there tonight at any decent hour . " " Elle is setting this one up . I 've already got Katie scouting in Nevada . I thought that would be a nice change of pace . We haven 't done anything in Nevada yet . " Jaycee couldn 't think about Nevada . Indiana was taxing her coping mechanisms . In fact , if they made it to the airport alive , she was going to celebrate . " Okay , listen , Brent , I 've got to go . I 'll talk to you soon . " " Yeah . " However , Jaycee shook her head as her gaze took in all the traffic . " We 'll talk about it later . " She glanced over at him . " Get some sleep . " The airport wasn 't much better than the traffic , and Derek was glad he had a trail guide who would chop down the Amazon to get him where he needed to be on time . It was nice not to have to worry about things like flights and schedules , tickets and when he would eat . Mostly he just worked and let her take care of the details of living . Derek flipped his wallet into the little gray plastic container and added his boots and belt too . " Okay but nothing with grease . Whatever those burgers were the guys brought in last night … wow . " Jaycee was on the other side doing much the same thing except with bracelets and her watch , her clipboard , purse , tablet case and boots , she didn 't get put back together quite so easily . He was ready and waiting long before she was . Finally , she strode over to him attaché in one hand , purse in the other . " Kendall said the proofs from the photo shoot came in , " she said as he turned to follow her up the concourse . " I thought maybe we could look at them on the plane . " At Gate 15 , they stopped to check all the pertinent information on the little board . When Jaycee was satisfied that everything was on - schedule and correct , she let out a hard sigh . " So , something to eat . A sandwich ? There 's bar - be - que down the way I think . " With no more discussion , they headed back the way they had come . " You know , I really think that last stand - up with the Walters went well , " she said as they walked . " Mrs . Walters loved that pull down faucet on her sink . " Taking his menu , Derek blinked his eyes wider . " Wow . Either they don 't want you to see the menu or the prices . What is up with the lighting in this place ? " He looked up and frowned . " Well , no wonder , they 've got three lights out , and this overhead is doing nothing but creating ambiance if you want to call it that . " Jaycee shook her head . " Do you ever stop ? Seriously ? Can 't you walk into a single space without figuring out how you would redo it if you got the chance ? " " And I told you we 'll do steak when we get to Gary . " She reached over and snapped her fingers in front of his face . " Focus . This is lunch . Remember ? " With that , Jaycee reached down into her purse and pulled out her cell phone . She snapped it on , the light coming on with the intensity of a backlit computer . " There . " In one motion she handed it to him . " Happy now . " In no time they were on the plane winging northward over corn fields and the little towns that dotted the Midwest . Destination O ' Hare International in Chicago which Jaycee was still trying not to think about . She pulled out her NotePad and swiped at it to bring up the photo shoot proofs marketing had sent over . " There were a couple of these I thought were pretty good , " she said , swiping some more . " Like this one . I like the leaning back thing . " " I know , but I 'm a contractor not a male model . This stuff is just weird . " He took the thing from her and swiped through the pictures . Most of them he couldn 't have even seen because he went too fast . " Bad . No . Hate it . Yuck . " Holding it out , he contorted his face . " Seriously ? I look like I just ate a lemon . " Reaching for it , she took it back and went back a couple . " They are not that bad . Look . This one 's good with the sledgehammer . Makes you look all macho and tough . " " Okay . That one 's not so bad . But these others ? What is this one ? " He crossed his arms like he had them in the picture and put a haughty look on his face . " I look like the unhappy librarian right before closing time . " Jaycee laughed at his theatrics . " It 's a good thing the marketing team can 't hear you . They would fold up their tents and go home . We only spent half a day on these . Now come on . We 've got to narrow this down to like five or six they can use for the promos . " Instantly Derek sat up , wide - eyed . " Don 't you dare even think about doing that . You do and I will so kill you and bury your body so no one will ever find it . " " Oh . " She sat up again . " By the way , I was going to mention . They called from marketing , and one of the syndicated radio talk shows called . " With a brush , she ran her hand through the air . " Totally a fishing expedition to see if you 'd like to do their show . I told marketing I 'd run it by you . " " I 'm guessing your meteoric rise to the top of the remodeling world . Either that or the host 's leaky faucet and how to fix it . Could go either way . " " Ha . Ha . " Tiring of the task of looking at himself , Derek handed her the NotePad back . A second and he leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes . Swallowing her sigh , Jaycee sat back in her own seat . Yes , she thought sarcastically to the part of her that registered frustration , she had such a hard life . Staring at a handsome guy who could sweep any girl he wanted to off her feet . Yes , yes , she had the hardest job in America . O ' Hare turned out to be a madhouse . Jaycee had known it would be , but still she had hoped . " I wish we could get a cab . " " I said I wish . Then again , it might be worth it . " She stepped up and explained what they needed to the rental car attendant . Thankfully Derek wasn 't the hard - to - please type . Four wheels that wouldn 't break down and that was good enough for him . While the attendant punched in the information , Jaycee dragged her purse back up to her shoulder and checked her watch . " I knew that layover was a bad idea . Traffic is going to be a nightmare . " " Here we are , Ms . Lawrence , " the attendant said . " I just need your signature . Here . Here . And here . And then , here as well . " " Thanks . " Jaycee reached down and retrieved the handle of her rolling suitcase . " Okay . All set . " It was interesting how normal the odd looks had become from others in airports and everywhere else they went . Outside and with him trailing her , she checked one way and then the other before heading down to the little green van . Getting in , she looked at her watch again . " It 's going to be eight o ' clock even if we 're lucky . I sure hope Elle has the hotel thing all ironed out . In fact … " She scooted over for him to follow . With difficulty , she dug the cell phone out and placed the call . " Elle , hey , this is Jaycee . Yeah , we just landed . Can you give me the address for the hotel ? K . Yeah . Hold on . " She glared at him . " Clearly not enough . " Coming up , she hit the horn . " Come on , people ! Move already ! " Frustration stacked on top of her as around the seatbelt , she put her head onto her fist that was propped there at the top of her elbow on the windowsill . " I do not believe this . We 're never going to get there . " " So , what 's the rush ? " He stretched out his long , jean - clad legs and crossed his arms . " You late for a hot date or something ? " Corralling her frustration with life so she didn 't outright growl at him , Jaycee reached down and flipped on the air . " No . I was hoping to have some time to get out of these clothes . " She angled her nose down to her shirt . " I 'm not even sure I changed this morning . " With a tip of his head , he smiled at her . " Seriously . You should learn to chill a little . Look around . It 's a beautiful day . We 're in Chicago , the windy city on a day that 's not even windy . You don 't think that 's something to enjoy ? " Enjoy ? That word was not a word in her life 's vocabulary at the moment . " I just want to get to the Interstate and out of this wall - to - wall nightmare . Is that really so much to ask ? Come on ! " She honked at the guy cutting right into her lane . " Are you kidding me ? Where did you learn to drive ? " " Not likely . " Still she watched his arm , brushed with just the right amount of glistening hair . Masculine . Did every part of him have to scream that word so loudly ? She re - anchored her gaze outside and forced a calming breath into her lungs as thankfully she made the final turn . " Yes . The Interstate . Finally . " It was then that Jaycee noticed Derek hadn 't followed her all the way to the counter . In fact , he was no longer even behind her . In concern , she scanned the lobby and found him , chatting up a cute blonde who sat on one of the comfortable - looking couches . Fighting the annoyance , Jaycee tugged at the slightly - rounded bottom of her blouse and then resettled the strap of her purse on her shoulder . He 's a grown man , Jayc . He can do whatever he wants . " Ah , yes . Here it is . Ms . Peterson is in 515 in the tower , and the other two rooms are adjacent to that . 517 and 519 . " " Oh , I 'm sure we will . " She accepted the little credit - card looking key things , gathered up all of her belongings one last time and with a sigh to get herself moving again , headed over to the two now chatting away as if they had been friends forever . It wasn 't easy to smile at the woman , but Jaycee did so anyway . Then she looked up at Derek . " Here 's your key - card . We 're up in the tower . " " Oh , great . Thanks . " He accepted the card and shoved it in his pocket . " Jaycee , this is … " He looked at the woman who Jaycee now saw had a small waist cinched with a tiny belt and jewelry dripping from every limb . Derek smiled his approval . " Bree . Right . " Then he turned his attention solely on Bree . " Listen , I 'll be back down in about 30 minutes if you don 't mind waiting ? " I 'll be waiting , Jaycee wanted to mimic . Ugh , could the woman be any more transparently coquettish ? Even Jaycee was embarrassed for her . " Are we going now ? " It took less time than even he had thought it would , and Derek West , shined up and polished , headed out for his night on the town with Bree Whatever - Her - Last - Name - Was . She was hot . That 's really all that mattered . Coming out of the hotel room , he glanced down the hallway at Jaycee 's door and thought about knocking to tell her where he was going and not to wait up . However , she had things to do , and he didn 't want to disturb her . With a check for his wallet and his room key , he headed out . Maybe Gary , Indiana wouldn 't be so bad after all . Share this : TwitterFacebookTumblrRedditPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted on June 11 , 2016 , in all books , Amazon , Amazon book , Amazon Kindle , Amazon Prime , books , Chapter , Christian Book , Christian Books , e books , ebook , ebooks , Excerpt , Excerpts , fiction book , fiction books , fiction novel , fiction novels , Good book , Good books , great book , great books , Kindle , Kindle Amazon , kindle books , novel romance , novels , romance novel , romance novel stories , romance stories , romance story , romantic novel , Staci Stallings , stories romance and tagged Amazon , Christian fiction , Christian romance novels , Kindle , romance novel , series . Leave a comment " She 's coming . I cannot believe she is coming . Seriously . " Jaycee Lawrence plunked down next to Luke Baker for two seconds and then jumped back up and continued to pace in front of the back step of his parents ' home . He watched her - back and forth , back and forth - unsure of just what to say to defuse the time bomb in her voice and movements . " Is it really so bad ? " Luke finally asked , his longish , blondish hair threatening to slide down his forehead and into his eye as it always did . He scratch at the summer scruff on his jaw in concern and worry . He 'd been trying for ten minutes to calm Jaycee down , but he of all people knew when she got riled , calm was a long shot on a short horse . Just like that she spun on him , sending her high , light brown ponytail swinging behind her . She glared at him through the harsh black glasses she insisted on wearing so everyone knew she was not just a dumb girl . " You 're kidding me . Right ? " She crossed her arms and the glare became a scowl . " Please tell me you 're kidding . How can you even sit there and ask that question ? You know as well as I do that nothing good can come from her coming here . And for the whole summer too ! " Jaycee 's hands went into the air simultaneously and then crashed down onto her hips . With a shake of her head , she pursed her lips and her eyes narrowed as if focusing their laser - heat onto a target . " I cannot believe they are doing this to me . This was supposed to be my summer . Mine . Not hers . Mine . " " Three months . " Storm waning , she sat down next to him in a huff and shook her head , the desolation trailing every movement . " I 'm done . Seriously . I am so done . She is going to waltz in here like the Queen of Persia , and I 'm going to totally be yesterday 's news . " Luke 's smile only lifted half his lips , and he anchored his arm on the porch planks behind her . They weren 't together in a dating sense , but they had known each other since well before kindergarten , and with only one year separating them not to mention only a little more than half a mile between their houses , they had been fast friends for practically forever . Jaycee was more the tomboy , basketball - playing type where Luke much preferred more laid back pursuits that didn 't involve scoreboards or report cards . But somehow , their friendship fit them both . Besides , Jaycee had her eye on Rory Harris , the top jock at Ridgemount High School , and that didn 't look to change any time soon . With no warning , she put her forehead over onto Luke 's shoulder and moaned . " Ugh . My life stinks on ice . " Sage Wentworth pulled out her compact to check her makeup once again . Yes , she was being banished to nowheresville North Carolina , but she didn 't have to show up looking like a doormat . Lips , perfectly perfect red ; eyeliner remarkably holding up even after the second leg of the cross - country flight , and blush that had begun to fade just slightly . Ugh . However , Sage expertly dogged the offer . " Do you not have some that 's room temp ? I don 't do ice . And not this off - brand either . " When she was gone , Sage wiggled herself straight up in the first class seat . At least not everything was completely , horrifically awful about her life at the moment . Okay , so her parents were starting their summer trip around the world - without her . And , true , she was being shipped off to live for three months with people she barely remembered . And , granted , she had wanted to stay in Beverly Hills for the summer , shopping with Mackenzie and Patelyn . Why had they insisted on making her completely miserable ? What had she done to deserve this exile to the netherworld ? Carefully , she ticked through the options . Her grades were good . Not stellar maybe , but adequate . She didn 't overspend . Sure there was that binge two months ago , but no one could blame a girl for wanting to look good at the Prom . She wasn 't a druggie or an alkie . Though both were frequent options in the crowd she ran with . They said it was because her dad wanted to see her before she headed into senior year and then off into her life , but the sad fact was , Sage wasn 't even really sure what that " life " might look like . College ? Maybe . Okay . Probably . But where ? " Ma ' am . " The stewardess was back with the requested water . So this brand wasn 't much better , Sage accepted it with the graciousness due her station in life . It was to be expected . The help , helpful though they were , often seemed one request away from losing it completely . Her mother always said it was the plight they suffered under - trying to keep good help . Sadly , it was true . As she sipped on her water , Sage let her mind trace back through her childhood nannies . There were truly too many to count . Of course , most of them were less than adequate , but still … There was Mika from Italy , and Olga from Germany , and Carmela from Spain or was it South America ? Sage had never really been sure . But she had learned , her place was to tell the nannies what to do , and it was their place to do it . When they got that dynamic out - of - sync - and they always did , it was time for a new nanny . Bawdy and classless . That 's what most of them were , and those were the ones who were trying . She flipped three more pages and gave up completely , pushing the magazine back into its holder . Putting her head back , she let her gaze go out to the soft , sunlit day beyond . They had told her that her father would be meeting her at the airport , and her mind traced back over the one photograph she had of him along with the dusky images she barely remembered . In the picture he was young , mid - twenties , maybe , with dark curly hair . A nice nose . Nice eyes . Her mother had said once that she had her father 's eyes , which seemed a strange thing to say at the time . Then again , she was five and didn 't know you could have someone else 's eyes without actually having someone else 's eyes . She took another sip and let the sigh out in an inaudible breath . Ladies of her station didn 't sigh , not for others to hear anyway . No . If nothing else in the whole world , she had learned how to carry herself in public , how to be graceful , charming , and cheerful - even if the whole world was falling apart around her . She wasn 't royal exactly , but her training had gone right up to that gate and knocked . Teas . Ballet . Violin in the orchestra . " I did dust . Twice . " And with that Jaycee turned and stalked off . Halfway to her room , she stopped when her mother called something about the entertainment center . Putting her head back , she fought the frustration clawing at her . " You have got to be kidding me . I don 't think a little dust is going to kill anyone . " But she knew her mother was frantic , and she knew why . Everyone was - her father , her mother , even her little brother , Ryder who had taken an outright shower that morning without being asked , something he never did . In fact , most of the time they were lucky if he wasn 't covered in dust , dirt and grime when they went to church . It was what normal 10 - year - old boys did . So long as the queen wasn 't coming . But today , the queen was coming , and so nothing was normal . " Sage ? " The man was older , much older , than the picture . However , he had those same grey - green eyes and the nice smile that was at once boyish and a question . What was the protocol in such a situation ? Should she shake his hand or Heaven help her , hug him ? A moment more and he put his hand out even as his gaze continued to drink her in . Thankful it was turned for a handshake and not a hug , she took it and let her gaze drop beneath his . " I 'm glad . " Standing there in jeans , a pressed shirt and a light grayish jacket , he looked like all the dads on television . Nothing at all like her dad . Okay , her stepdad . Jason Wentworth the Fourth . The man she had called dad practically her whole life if you didn 't count the short visits during the first five years of it , which she hadn 't until this very minute . Luke wondered as the day wore on if Jaycee 's stepsister had made it yet . Truthfully , he couldn 't imagine the whole step situation . The youngest of five , he had never known a time until just this past year of not having siblings who were in the bathroom when you had to go or who could keep their hands off of your stuff even when it was clearly marked My Stuff ! Down the aisle of the grocery store he went , ticking off items for the church outreach day . It was a twice - a - month thing for their youth group . The other two weeks were taken by the women 's society , and sometimes the youth helped out for those as well . As cultures went , their little town didn 't really have any homeless people , but they did have their share of disadvantaged ones . Luke pulled several large cans of tomato sauce from the shelves and put them in the cart . If he had learned no other words in the time Pastor Steve had been there , the words " help others " were seared into his brain and on his spirit . That was , according to Pastor Steve , the point of everything in life and especially Christianity - helping others , reaching out to them , making them feel welcome and loved . It truly didn 't matter if they ever showed up for church beyond those meals . That was what the church was about , and if they failed in that mission , nothing else really mattered . He looked at the list Ms . Patty had given him . Ms . Patty , or Ms . P , as most of the youth referred to her was a large , African - American woman with a personality to match her girth . She had never met a stranger because according to her , once you hug a person , they are no longer a stranger , and Ms . P hugged everybody - whether they needed one or not . In fact , Luke had had his fair share of hugs from Ms . P because next to introducing herself with a hug , she also paid with them as well . As president of the youth group , he was often tasked with … well , tasks . Cleaning the church center 's kitchen , getting the groceries , working out the schedules , covering when others couldn 't make it . Pulling five large bags of spaghetti off the shelf , he added them to the growing mound in his cart . Only bread remained on the list , and he pushed his way around the aisle cap to get it . As soon as he finished here , he needed to get over to the church . They wouldn 't be cooking until in the morning , but the food needed to be put away , and he would probably have to do some cleaning on the kitchen as well . The last thing he wanted was for Ms . P to show up and have to do it . She did enough . Grabbing loaves of bread , he thought again of Jaycee . Normally she would be here , meeting up with him with another cart about now . But not today . Today , she was re - meeting her sister , and Luke had to admit he was glad he was here rather than there . " God , help them … both , " he breathed as he headed for the checkout . From her seat in the aging family minivan , Sage did her best to check her adverse reaction to practically everything as they rolled through the little town and out into the country . Somehow she hadn 't really remembered this part . Not that the town would have been any better . She was quite sure the newest home there was at least a decade old and had not weathered its age very well . Sage smiled , but it was forced . Had it not been for his efforts , no one would have even spoken on the ride . She just didn 't know what to say to the man . It wouldn 't be , couldn 't be what she was really thinking , and the truth was , pretending her thoughts were something they were not was not working at all . The smile got swallowed in her fight to cushion the truth . " Not much . I kind of remember going to the church . It 's the little one , right ? With the wooden floors ? " " Yes . " Clutching her white handbag , she willed the panic in her to settle down . Why had she agreed to this ? The second she got the chance to text her mother , she was going to find another option and take it because this was a bad idea . A very , very bad idea . " They 're here . " Jaycee 's mom veritably swooned as she checked both children before heading for the front door of their house which no one ever used . It took more than one wrench of the doorknob to get it open after she fluffed and fretted about her own appearance . The house was small , tiny in fact , and as Sage exited the vehicle , she took it all in , wondering how many rooms it could even have . Five ? Six ? And that was being generous . " I can come back and get your bags , " her dad said , coming around the front of the van to walk with her . Wow . That felt so off - kilter , him standing there waiting for her , looking at her like she was an angel fallen from Heaven . The nod was kind of sideways , but she did get her head to go down . Her heels clicked on the concrete sidewalk as they passed the modest flowerbed that was filled with growing things and a few flowers all the way to the front door . There , he opened it for her , and called , " We 're home ! " He took a step back to let her enter first . Stepping up and into the home was a challenge mostly because it seemed so very dark and dim inside . The last thing she wanted to do was trip . " Oh ! " The woman with the long , dark wavy hair on the other side of the threshold clapped her hands and put them to her mouth . " Sage . Oh ! You 've grown so much . We 're so glad you could come . " " Oh . Yes . Thank you . " Exiting the hug , Sage tugged on her short white skirt and had to square her shoulders again to get her composure back in hand . " Hm . " Smiling was beginning to hurt . " Oh , I 'm sorry . I 'm Mrs . Lawrence , Gregory 's wife . " The woman was going in five directions at once , and Sage did her best to keep her own nerves in check as the woman shook her hand . " You can call me Mrs . Lawrence or Emily or … Stepmom if you would like . " She laughed a hollow , nervous kind of laugh . " Oh good . Okay . And these are our children . " Mrs . Lawrence went over to the two figures on the other side of the room . " This is Jaycee . You probably remember her from last time , and this is Ryder . " " Yeah , " Jaycee said , and Sage noted without any trouble the dismissive nature of the syllable from the young woman in jeans with the hard , black framed glasses . Then Jaycee looked over at her mom . " Can I go now ? I 'm supposed to meet Luke at church to do the groceries . " Mrs . Lawrence glanced over at Sage with an apology in her eyes and then leveled her gaze at her daughter . " Don 't you think it would be better to stay and help Sage get settled ? Maybe she could go with you afterward . " " Oh , that 's fine , Mrs . Lawrence , " Sage said quickly , wanting to rescue the situation if that was even possible . " I 'm sure Jaycee has better things to do than to wait on me . I 'm sure I 'll be fine getting my things set up . " Mrs . Lawrence looked down at Ryder who was still staring at Sage with a goofy look on his face . " Ryder , why don 't you show Sage to the guest room ? " Then her gaze came back up to Sage . " It 's not much of a guest room . It 's honestly my sewing room , but we 've moved some things around , and there 's a daybed in there . " Lovely it was not . Cramped , crumpled and befuddled came much closer . The cabinet didn 't even close for all the scraps of cloth sticking out of it , and Sage had no desire to open the closed closet doors to find out what else might be in there . The bedspread was lime - green and white striped with small pink flowers on it . Sage didn 't even want to contemplate how old it might be . Her skin crawled just thinking about sleeping there . " He seems very sweet . " Sweet . It was how her voice sounded , and she was having great difficulty trying to force it not to crack right down the center . " No . I 'm being serious . She looks like a Barbie doll . Perfect hair , perfect nails , perfect makeup . It 's like she 's made of plastic . " Jaycee was transferring the lettuce into the refrigerator from the bags on the counter , and Luke was becoming a bit concerned that it might be both bruised and shredded in the process . " I think her hair is made of real platinum . And you should have seen Ryder . His tongue was practically hanging out . Ugh . " " And you should have seen Dad . He looked like someone could snap a flashbulb in his face and he wouldn 't have even noticed . And Mom , oh my gosh , she was just … ' this needs dusted … put this away … fluff these pillows … why didn 't you dust this ? ' It 's a good thing I had to come here , or someone was going to be put out of their misery in that house . " Luke watched her as he worked to get things in order in the kitchen for the next morning 's marathon cooking session . Efficient . Hardworking . Down - to - earth . All the things he 'd always thought he would want in a girl . The smile that crossed his heart was sad and futile . No , Jaycee Lawrence would never see him like that , and he really didn 't blame her . What did he have to offer in the boyfriend department anyway ? He wasn 't the guy who stood out in the class pictures , and he was as apt to make a goofy move as to make a smooth one . Truth was , he admired her taste in not choosing him . She was smart enough to know he wasn 't worth the time or the effort . Pushing those thoughts back and away , he finished up at the sink and went to take care of the trash on his own . Even Jaycee shouldn 't have to be subjected to that job . Ten seconds after they left her to the room , Sage yanked out her cell and typed like her life depended on it , which it almost certainly did . She had to get out of here . She could act with the best of them , but this place would require more than acting . Mom . I made it . I know we talked about me going to stay with Aunt Anna as well this summer . Can we talk about doing that sooner rather than later ? PLEASE ! She hit send and sat very gently on the edge of the bed . It squeaked with the movement . Pulling up the next number in her phone , she sent a text to Patelyn and then one to McKenzie . Desperation texts , meant to explain the horrible plight she now found herself in . There was no mall here , no shopping centers that she had seen . There was one grocery store that they passed on the way through town , and it had cars with actual dents in them sitting there . Her fingers told the sad , sad tale of just how far she had fallen in the world , and the more she typed , the worse it got . When she finished , she considered letting the tears start , but she didn 't dare . First off , they would surely ruin her makeup . Secondly , if anyone knew she was crying … Well , they couldn 't know . She would put on the Wentworth charm until she could escape this disaster , and then she would leave and all things Lawrence would be forever behind her , a sad chapter in her life that she would never have to think of again . With that thought , she glanced across the room at her luggage stacked there . It was pointless to unpack . She wouldn 't be here long enough to make it worth the effort . As much as he hated washing dishes , Luke was having an immense amount of fun watching her walk in and out . He began to notice that each time she came back , she would say something to him . " Don 't quit your day job . " " I feel like Santa . " " I hope you don 't blame me for this . " " Ask and it shall be given , " he said , shaking his head . Just then he realized she was going to have the thing all over the floor if she tried to get it up onto that counter by herself . " Oh , here . " And with no more than that , he was next to her , picking the thing up and setting it gently down . Sage couldn 't explain it , but it was very much like remembering what sunshine felt like . Never would she have thought she would feel that way immersed in dirty pots and pans , but every time she went into that kitchen , her spirit said it was filled with warmth and safety . Maybe the first real safety she had felt since landing here three weeks before . " Finally . That 's the last of it , " she said , setting the water dispenser up on the counter . This one was almost empty so it wasn 't the impossible task the tea one had proven to be . Stepping back , she put her hands on her hips . " Wow . " " Yeah . Wow , " Luke said from the sink , looking over the pile . " So , you just going to bring them all in here and then leave me with all the hard work ? " " Luke . Grateful . " She came over to his side , leaned her elbows on the sink next to him and looked up at him playfully . " I - don 't - know - your - last - name . Yep . That has a lovely ring to it , don 't you think ? " " No . " He tried not to smile , but he did anyway . " But maybe it 's time you learned . " Jerking his chin up , he indicated the other side of the counter . " They 're over there in that top drawer . " From anyone else , she probably would have taken the moniker as an insult . Somehow , from him , it didn 't sound like one . She got one of the towels , trying not to notice all the holes in it . Back at his side , she picked up one small pan from the top of the new stack he was creating in the draining sink . Running it back and forth to dry the pan , she let out a breath . Strange how a month ago she never would have pictured herself doing such a thing . " Ugh . Don 't remind me . " She set that pan down to the side and grabbed up another one before leaning toward him . " I 'm surprised Ms . P even let me in the kitchen today . " " Really , " and her tone dropped into serious . " All of this is just so … surreal to me . The people . This . " She held up a pan and then set it down . " It 's so not … " With a shrug she pulled up another pan . " The weirdest thing is how nice it is to be here . Today . At least I 'm not staring at my walls , wishing I could be somewhere else . " She retrieved another pan as he replenished her stack . " I 'm telling you , I thought I was going to lose my mind when I didn 't have my cell phone last week . At least I finally got that back . " " Tell me about it . " She put that pan down and got another , rotating her towel to try to find a not - wet place . " I guess you know all about that though , huh ? " " Oh , uh . " He reached up and scratched the back of his head , not realizing he 'd managed to transfer suds there . " We 're not dating . We 're just friends . " Defensively and trying to figure out what that laugh meant , he plunged his hands back in the soapy water . " Really . We 're just friends . " Before she could question it or laugh at him again , Luke plowed forward . " Good friends . The best . But we 're totally not dating . " " Huh . " She made the sound and nodded with a scowl on her face as she dried a bowl . " But you want to … date her , right ? " " Oh , come on . Seriously ? Now , no lying over dishes . " Her gaze came up to his face , and he hated that he couldn 't think of a way to get away from her . This was not a conversation he wanted to be in . Suddenly her word from before , surreal pounded through his mind . " As a friend , yes . I like Jaycee . " " Not like that . Not like you mean . Not like dating . " He shrugged and reached up to push his sleeves up , realizing only after he did so that he had only succeeded in getting them wet . " We go out . We hang out sometimes , but we 're not dating . " That backed Luke up . " Oh , yeah ? How do I look at her ? " The second the question was out of his mouth , he deeply regretted asking it . " I 'm going to have to switch out this water , " he said , reaching for the plug . He pulled his sleeve up to his face and rubbed it there , sensing moisture there . No way was he going to ask what was causing it to be there . His heart was really starting to hurt , and the shake of his head did nothing to stop the pain . " She 's not … " He shrugged and washed the last of the old water down the drain before starting the faucet and filling the sink with new hot water . " It 's not … She 's not into me like that . " This shrug was only mildly easier . " I 've accepted it . " It was the first chance he 'd had to laugh , and Luke took it . " Cool ? Me ? I 'm here washing dishes on a Saturday afternoon . " " I fell in love with Sage . My heart went out to her , and I could so relate to how she felt . It 's no fun trying to be someone you 're not even when you don 't know that 's what you are doing . " Share this : TwitterFacebookTumblrRedditPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted on April 29 , 2016 , in all books , Amazon , Amazon book , Amazon Kindle , books , Christian Book , Christian Books , e books , ebook , ebooks , Excerpt , Excerpts , fiction book , fiction books , fiction novel , fiction novels , Good book , Good books , great book , great books , Kindle , Kindle Amazon , kindle books , novel romance , novels , romance novel , romance novel stories , romance stories , romance story , romantic novel , Staci Stallings , stories romance and tagged Amazon , books , grace , Kindle Amazon books , love story , novels , romance novels . Leave a comment Carefully cutting the thread away , Ami pulled the lacey material free . The curtains were turning out nicely - even Mrs . Sanders , her home ec teacher , would 've been pleased . With one more snip she freed it from the thread and held the finished product up next to the chair to inspect her work . " Good deal . " Pleased , she stood , unfurling the curtain onto her bed where its mate laid . Then she stepped back to examine her handiwork . It was times like this that she believed somehow she was going to make this work . She was going to make it by September , and she would show her father and prove to him he had been wrong about her and her grandfather and this farm the whole time . She didn 't say another word as she climbed the stairs and went into the room to inspect the damage . Horror hit her square . He wasn 't kidding . The floor was covered with white dust and crumbs from the wall . It was worn completely through in one , large place , and in several others it wouldn 't take much to make it fall . As she stood looking at it , she could hear her father 's lectures , and piece - by - piece her dream began a slow crumble inside her . She closed her eyes to the stinging in the backs of her eyes , pushing back at it with her eyelids and her hand . She should have known . She should just give up now . Why was she even doing this ? He was right . She would never be able to make this work . However , she shook her head , fighting to keep the tears from spilling over . " Dad said it wasn 't worth it . I should 've just listened to him . " It wasn 't said for his benefit . After everything she 'd been through , to make it this far and then to have the house crumble from the inside out just ripped the last piece of determination from her . The only thing left was surrender . Surrender to the utter hopelessness of it all . " But no , " she continued in a mumbled anger , " I didn 't listen , did I ? No , I thought I knew better . I thought I could make it work . What a joke . " " Yes , it is , " she said as one tear escaped from the corner of her eye and threaded its way down her cheek . She looked away and swiped at it furiously , hoping he hadn 't seen it , but it was too late . Still , the fury made her come back at him . " Look around you . They might as well knock this place down , and put it out of its misery . " " But it 's probably better , you know , " she said , laughing sarcastically as the tears now wound their way down over her nose , not thwarted or even held back . " It was a stupid idea anyway . Always has been . " " Where are we going ? " she asked as fear overtook the anger . He was so strong , she knew as she followed she wouldn 't be able to fight him off if he had anything other than honorable intentions . " Jaxton ! " " What ? I don 't hear anything . " She latched her arms in front of her to hold onto her anger and frustration as he let go of her arm and took a step over to the railing . " That 's just it . There 's nothing there . Nobody yelling at you or telling you what to do or telling you that you 're doing it wrong . Nothing . Just you and the wind . " A moment and he opened his eyes so his gaze came right down to hers . He was looking right at her then , right into her , and she couldn 't look away . " Don 't you see , Ami ? You can 't give up now . People need this . " Although she knew exactly what he meant , at that moment , she didn 't want to feel what he was talking about . She wanted to be mad . She wanted to be frustrated . She wanted to give up , and she knew if she let herself feel the peace of that balcony , she would find a way to talk herself out of it . " Okay , then , here . " Once again he took her hand and led her over to the railing where he put her hand on it gently . His gaze slid down and rested on her . She felt it thought she never looked up . " Just listen . " He was right beside her , his arm practically around her , and heat she wasn 't sure was from the sun began seeping into her . " Listen to the wind in the trees . " " Let it go , " Jaxton said , watching her , mesmerized by her and the day . She was so incredibly beautiful . " Just let it go , Ami . For once , just breathe and let it go . " His heart broke for her , for the struggle and the deck that was stacked against her . " Your grandfather gave you this place because he knew you understood , " he said softly . " He knew you 'd share this feeling with everyone who came here . " " But , " she started again , just as he reached down and laid his hand on the small of her back . That touch brought her back from keeping the pain down , and she looked up , right through the depths of his eyes . He had never felt anything like that moment . " Listen to me . " His gaze held hers gently . " It 'd be so easy to let everybody else talk you out of this . I guarantee you it 'd be a lot easier than trying to make your dream come true . But if you do that , if you let them talk you out of your dreams , you 'll regret it for the rest of your life . " " Yes , you do . " And he knew she did as he was now looking right into her soul . " You think they 're right . You think they know more about what 's possible than you do . Well , they don 't . They don 't understand your dream . " A second and he had to admit the truth . " No , I don 't see all of your dream either , but I know if you give up now , you 'll think about this moment forever and wonder what if . What if you hadn 't given up ? What if you did what you had to to make this happen ? " " Well , then what have you lost ? " He shrugged slightly . " A few months ? A little time ? If you don 't try , you 've lost your dream . That 'd be a thousand times worse . " " He gave you this place for a reason , " Jaxton said , watching her struggle , feeling it in the depths of his own soul . " He believed in you , Ami . He knew you could do it . " With no hesitation , Jaxton enveloped her with his . " Because I know how many people need what this place can give them , " he said with a soft smile . " Just say you 'll give it to September . If it doesn 't work , at least you tried . " His gaze sank to the planks at their feet as the question raked through him . But then he knew , and he picked his gaze up to meet hers . " Chicago 'll still be there in September . I think I 'm standing exactly where I need to be right now . " Although she couldn 't have known the depth of those words , she nodded . Then she closed her eyes . " Okay . So , what do we do about that sheet rock ? " Share this : TwitterFacebookTumblrRedditPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted on October 29 , 2014 , in Amazon , Amazon book , Amazon Kindle , Amazon Prime , e books , ebooks , Excerpts , fiction book , fiction novel , free romance and tagged Amazon book , Amazon Kindle , books romance , Christian books , Christian ficton . Leave a comment " I wish I could go , John , but the Rothschild account 's taking up so much time these days , I just can 't , " Phillip Anderson said into the phone as his son , Jaxton , sat on the other side of the desk , pen poised , listening . " Yeah , I know it 's important , John , but now 's just not good for me . Can 't you go ? … Yeah , I know … " He sighed heavily . " Okay . Well , I 'll see what I can do , and I 'll get back to you … Yeah , I will . ' kay . Bye . " " Oh , you know your mother . There 's always something more important than dealing with life , " Phillip said . " And John 's not much better . He thinks someone should go down there and at least make sure the estate 's in order , but you think he 'll go ? He 'd sooner go to hell on an ice flow . " Phillip sighed and shook his head , looking like his ulcer might be getting the better of him . " It 's Kansas . I 'm not sure I trust anybody down there . " " Too bad Blake isn 't around anymore . He 'd be perfect , " Jaxton said absently looking back to his notes , already tiring of the subject . He tapped his pen on his notebook a few times and then moved back to the real reason he was in the office on Memorial Day weekend . " So , what do you think about the Manning books ? Did you get a chance to look at them yet ? " Beyond the nearly full - grown red cedar trees , the land stretched in an endless parade of emerald until it rolled right off the earth 's edge . That land , this house , those trees - together they comprised the only true home she 'd ever known . Even now with life devoid of any real family , the safety of those hills enveloped her like a warm hug . She returned to her task , pulling books off the shelves and stacking them onto the little coffee table . They were a link - a precious , priceless link to the past , and the sadness in her chest expanded with each volume she took down . How many times had she and her grandfather sat in this very room with the balcony doors opened , reading the works of the great ones ? Emerson , Twain , Frost . Even when she couldn 't understand the full depth of the words , her grandfather had seen fit to share them with her . In this room , she 'd learned about life and the pursuit of true happiness . Even now at the tender age of 25 , she felt the wisdom of her grandfather 's years wafting through her soul . Although he was a simple farm boy , raised in this very house by the generation before him , she knew in her heart that he had been much more than that . Her father didn 't see it . He had called his father a stubborn old goat so many times even the tone of those words had been forever etched in Ami 's brain . It seemed odd that the wisdom her grandfather had to offer could 've skipped an entire generation , but that was exactly what had happened . And that was why she was here at this moment , lovingly removing dust from the old , yellowed pages . She understood what no one else in her family ever had because of her grandfather 's teaching and because no matter what he had always been there for her . Yes , he had been there , even when it wasn 't convenient , even when she was sure it was difficult . She brushed the tendrils of wavy almond - colored hair from her face as tears weaved into and over her heart . He had stayed . Not even her own mother had done so much . She had left before Ami was two , and her father wasn 't much better . His decision to send her to Rayland wasn 't about making her life more stable - it was about making his less complicated . She pushed that thought away as she ran the cloth over the shelf . Don 't think about him . Not here . Not now . Yes , her grandfather 's steadfastness had been her one and only lifeline for 24 years , until last Thanksgiving . She pulled the black - bound Emerson anthology from the shelf and ran a loving , sad hand over it . She could almost hear his low baritone lilting over the words . The sunset beyond the doors blurred as she slowly dropped the volume to the table with the others . The wisdom of Grandpa Martin 's years was now tucked safely in her soul . However , as she pulled another volume off the shelf and ran the cloth over it , she couldn 't help but wonder what his advice would be at this moment . She pulled the Poe volume off the next shelf and laughed softly . If only her scariest problems were ravens and casks of amontillado as they had once been tucked safely in the crook of Grandpa Martin 's arm . Yes , this was the only place that had ever been home for her . The others could keep their high - stress lives and their gazillion neighbors . This was where true happiness resided , and whether they agreed or not , this was where she intended to make a home for herself - right here in Rayland , Kansas . " Jaxton 's got the Manning account . " Phillip shook his head from the sink in the bathroom beyond . " I can 't pull him off that . " Elizabeth sat silently for a moment . " You know . It 's silly I guess , but I just hate the thought of some stranger pawing through Dad 's books . I mean his heart can 't take a whole lot more right now , you know . " Phillip exhaled , crawled into bed , and patted his wife 's hand . " Well , don 't worry about it tonight . I 'll come up with something . " " Come on , Dad . You can 't be serious . " The trap shadowed Jaxton 's every movement . Why had he felt that coming in on Memorial Day was a good idea again ? He should have taken that vacation he was always saying he was going to . Anything to get out of this surreal discussion . " What about Easley ? " " Dawson ? " Jaxton turned and pointed at his father . " Now you know I know more about that account than anyone else here . " He was scrambling , clawing for any shred of hope to pull himself back from the hellhole of Rayland . " Look , I didn 't say I 'm happy about this , Jax , but I don 't know what else to do . " Phillip 's voice barely stayed on the light side of demanding . " Mr . Fowler called me again last night - you know , Mr . Fowler , Grandpa 's foreman . He said Grandpa 's going fast - one more setback could take him out for good . We need to get this done before it 's too late . Uncle John can 't go . I can 't go . " " I don 't know what else to do , " Phillip finally said again , and fatigue laced the words . He waited a moment before adding hopefully , " I really don 't think it 'll take very long . A week or two - tops . And I promise you 'll get all your accounts back the second you walk back through that door . Besides it 's not like you can 't keep in touch . You can bring your fax and your laptop … " " Here 's your ticket to Kansas City . " His father pulled a thin sheaf from the desk drawer and slid it across the desk . " Your plane leaves at two . It 's a two - hour trip from Kansas City to Rayland . You can rent a car when you get to … " Over her sandwich Ami surveyed her to - do list , marking each entry with a one through ten and trying to decide what needed attention most . The pickup sitting in the garage received a one ; painting the porch a three ; repainting the guests ' rooms a four ; cleaning the chicken coop a two . By the time she got to the end of the list , she was already exhausted . There was so much to do . So much to get ready before she could even think about putting her plan into action . She pulled out her calendar and checkbook and laid them on the table next to the to - do list . September 1 , circled in purple , stared back at her . Just the sight took her breath away . She had less than three months to get the place in order , and a rapidly dwindling amount of funds to accomplish that . Sighing as she brushed back the strands of hair that had escaped from the loose braids cascading down her shoulders , she slid the to - do list into the calendar and closed the checkbook . Sitting here worrying about it wasn 't getting anything finished any faster . She carried her lunch dishes to the sink and ran water on them . The dishes could wait ; the pickup couldn 't . Jaxton had only been to Rayland twice in his lifetime , and he hadn 't been overly excited about the trip either time . But this time was worse . He 'd been building a client list for six years , and to be told that someone else could just take it over with no questions asked made his blood boil . Reaching up , he ran his hand over the hard - gelled sticks of brown hair lying perfectly on his head . Leslie 'll never be able to handle Paul Chambers . He 'll go to Franklin & Capshaw so fast it 'll make Dad 's head spin . Then he snorted . It 'd serve his father right if Chambers did move it . How many times had he said , " You take care of your customer before you take care of anything else " ? That lesson had been practically hammered into Jaxton 's head , but apparently that meant until you get in a bind , then the customers can fend for themselves . He swiped at the right turn signal of the new red sports car angrily . The car was supposed to make him feel better , but it wasn 't working . His father had said , " Spare no expense . " It was a pay - off , and Jaxton knew it . How dare they send him to do what they should be doing . He didn 't even know his grandfather for Pete 's sake . He was as much of a stranger as anyone else his father could 've sent . The tires kicked up dust billows behind him . If anything happens to my accounts , heads are going to roll . I 'm not the president 's son for nothing . Bob 'd better not screw up , or I 'll personally hand him his walking papers . That was just all there was to it . " Rrrennerrr . Rrrennerr . Rrrenner . " The pickup engine sounded like a sick dog , and exasperation escaped from her throat in a low growl . Three days and $ 60 down the drain and still all she got was Rrrennerrr . Rrrennerr . Rrrennerr . How many times had she watched her grandfather do this ? How many times ? Apparently not enough . " Stupid thing . " She hit the steering wheel as the sickening sound continued . Finally letting it go , she raked both hands onto her head and squinted into the problem . " Okay , Ami , you 've got to think . The battery 's got to be good I just changed it . The cables are connected . What else could be wrong ? " Getting out of the driver 's seat , she went around to the front , mentally checking every cable she 'd already checked ten times . Carefully she leaned over the hood of the pickup and examined the maze of wires and metal . She traced the battery cable away from the starter . There was a trick to this , and Grandfather knew it . All she had to do was figure out what that trick was , and she was home free . But the trip from here to home free was looking more and more impassable by the second . Slowly he crawled from the car and stretched as his legs and back reminded him how long he 'd actually been behind that wheel . He took a deep breath , smoothed his tie , and shook his head at just how far he 'd fallen in such a short time . As he climbed the steps up to the front door , he couldn 't help but notice that the whole place was covered with chipped white paint , and the wooden porch boards creaked and groaned as he crossed the porch threshold and knocked . Putting his fists on his hip where his slacks met his belt , he arched his neck and waited , looked around and waited some more . He knocked once more . " Well , so much for that idea . " He shrugged to the ceiling of the porch as he stepped back down onto the cracked sidewalk . He really should 've known he couldn 't get that lucky . This whole rotten day was just another notch to add to his whole rotten life . Letting the anger and bitterness take hold , he rubbed his hand over the five - o ' clock shadow that had shown up two hours early . It must be the stress . " Yes , Dad . Whatever you say , Dad , " he said , the sarcasm dripping from each word . But just as he reached for the car door handle , his ears picked up something he hadn 't noticed before . Music . The graying boards were clearly visible under the peeling red paint of the old garage , and Jaxton could see the decrepit green pickup sitting forlornly in the middle of it . Some old farmer 's . How backward can these people be ? Man , I wouldn 't be caught dead in something like that . The tune on the radio reminded him of hoe down music although he 'd never actually been to a hoe down in his life . He looked around the small expanse , but there was no sign of anyone - only the small radio sitting on the workbench crackling something about a broken heart . Before Jaxton could react to the sound , a wrench flew out from underneath the pickup and hit the cinderblock wall next to his foot with a clang . Instantly he jumped out of the way although another couple of inches and the thing would have nailed him before he saw it coming . For one , brief moment his head said he should run - just get out of there before the farmer had a chance to turn that wrench on him , but then he thought better of the crazy thought . All he needed was some information . Surely that wasn 't such a bad thing . " Uh - hmm . " Jaxton cleared his throat , hoping to get the old man 's attention . " Umm , excuse me , Sir . Sir ? " He rapped a knuckle on the side of the pickup in case the old farmer hadn 't heard him and leaned down as if to see under the vehicle . Heart , body , and soul Ami froze the instant she heard the voice . Her mind spun through who it might be and what they might want . She wasn 't expecting anyone , and people didn 't just show up on her doorstep for no reason . After all she lived more than a mile from the highway . Quickly she looked out from under the metal pickup body , and all she could see was a pair of black slacks ending in a set of shiny black shoes . " Hmm . Yeah . " She cleared her throat and rolled slowly out on the creeper before sitting up and pulling herself up from the floor . " Something I can help you with ? " " Oh , " Jaxton said with a hard swallow , thrown totally off - guard when he caught a glimpse of the grease - stained beauty who 'd just stood up in front of the pickup . Gray tank top , denim shorts , and a face that was at once young and heart - stopping , she was the epitome backwoods country , and for one second too long , Jaxton forgot he was supposed to be asking for directions . " Um . " Where had all the words gone ? And why were the only ones he could find telling him embarrassing jokes about farmer 's daughters and Daisy Duke shorts ? " Uh . I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean … I thought … I 'm sorry . " " ' S okay , " Ami said quickly wiping the grease from her hands and coming around to the side of the pickup . She wanted to tug on her tank top , but she didn 't dare let him think she was nervous , so instead she worked on removing the grease from her fingers . At the fender she regarded him as she leaned there . " Umm … I … I was looking for the owner , " the guy that looked like a GQ model said . He had slightly wavy dark brown hair clipped and cut just so , a multi - hued blue striped tie over a crisp light blue button down . In fact , he looked like he 'd just stepped out of a board room from a million - dollar deal . Still , Ami fought not to notice or to let the intimidation of his presence rattle her . She brushed one strand of hair back off her face . " That would be me . " Although she tried , it wasn 't easy to act like this was an everyday occurrence as she extended her still - stained hand to the Armani - suited man standing in her garage , but she did a passing job of it just the same . " Oh , I 'm sorry , " he said again as he extended his own hand . When she looked at him and tilted her head with a half - confused smile , he tried to clarify that statement even as he retrieved his hand . " I mean I 'm not sorry you own the place . I 'm sorry I didn 't realize … " Her smile , framed by those deep dimples , was dancing circles around Jaxton 's heart as his brainwaves zipped and zinged in disparate directions . " Umm , no . I 'm not . How can you tell ? " " Your shoes . " She pointed at his feet before returning to the front of the pickup . " They 're too shiny to be a farm boy 's . " " Well , Sir , I have a full set of Encyclopedias , and I 'm not in the market for insurance or a vacuum cleaner , " Ami said as casually as she could , and she slammed the hood for punctuation . The pickup would have to wait . Right now , her main priority was figuring out exactly what this guy was doing in her garage , and then getting him out of there as fast as possible . " Oh , I 'm not selling anything , " he said as she moved over to the workbench . Having tools within reach if he tried anything was a very good idea . " I was just looking for the Snyder farm , but I … I seem to have gotten lost . " " Yeah . " Jaxton hesitated . For some reason the tone in her voice and the look in her eye made his nerves jump to attention , and the mere thought that this farm girl was getting to him unnerved him further . He smoothed his tie down as if to emphasize his station in life compared to hers . " Umm , I 'm Mr . Snyder 's grandson . I was supposed to come help him , but I can 't do that if I can 't find him . " " Oh . " Her eyes narrowed as she nodded knowingly , and her smile disappeared as she turned back to the workbench . " Well , if Mr . Snyder 's your grandfather , seems to me you should know how to get to his farm . " " Just wondering , " Ami said , but wondering was the last thing on her mind . Next to her grandfather , Mr . Snyder was the only person on the planet who 'd ever believed in her , and she wasn 't about to sic this shiny - shoed , tie - wearing , smooth - talking shark on him without checking out his story first . " So , your mom … " " Well , she said she might come later . " He shrugged as if they were talking about the weather , not a whole family abandoning their father . " But Grandpa needed someone now . " " I see , " she said , thinking of all the times she had been witness to Mr . Snyder 's talks with her own grandfather . She knew more about Mr . Snyder 's family than she did about her own , and she didn 't like a single one of them . " And this is important now - why ? " " Go out to the road and turn right . " Ami turned and surveyed him coldly , wrench in hand and arms crossed at her chest . " About two miles down the road off to the left , you 'll see the Snyder place . It 's the one with the trees . You can 't miss it . " Jaxton 's gaze fused to her for one more moment as he seriously thought about telling her just where she could put her judgments , but with a shake of his head , he forced his gaze down to the dust - covered floor . His chest might explode at any second with the rage clawing through him . Who was this person , this girl , to question him anyway ? What had he done that was so wrong ? He was just following orders - trying to be the good son . He kicked the wrench and sent it flying back into the cinderblock wall with a clang before stomping out of the garage . She had no right to make him feel like a jerk . It wasn 't his fault his family didn 't come to visit . There was nothing to do here anyway . Situated a million miles from nowhere , Rayland was the most boring , backward place on the whole earth , and the second he got the estate in order , he was gone . It took next to nothing for Ami to hear the car roar out of the driveway , and she wondered with easy loathing which one he was . It 'd been more than ten years , but she still remembered the last time Mr . Snyder 's family had come to visit . They 'd all sat around complaining because it was hot and whining about how boring everything was . It was true she 'd hated them then , but she hated them even more now . Mr . Snyder had never been anything but kind to her and her family . When her grandfather had died , it was Mr . Snyder who tended the trees and kept them alive . It was Mr . Snyder who had encouraged her to take what her grandfather had given her and chase her dream . It was Mr . Snyder who showed up every day for the first month she was here just to check on her . She was sure his visits would have continued , but then the heart attack had almost taken him out two months before . There was no way to count the hours she 'd spent at the hospital sitting by his bedside , reading to him , and assuring him that his family would be there soon . But her assurances had made little difference to him . He said more than once that she was the only real family he had left and that the others were just waiting for him to die so they could split up the inheritance . Even thinking about it now made her head pound and her heart ache . It was the same way her grandfather had felt , and regardless of how accurate it was , it still made her furious . The two most incredible men in her life , and everyone else thought they were trash . The anger in her reached a boiling point , and she yanked the hedge trimmer from the wall . In this state she knew she would make the pickup problem worse , but she couldn 't do too much damage to the hedges . After all they could always grow back . Who does she think she is to talk to me like that ? No one . Not one person had ever treated him like that in his entire life . They wouldn 't dare . With a single flick of his little finger , he could squash any person he wanted to . He was Jaxton Anderson , and no one treated Jaxton Anderson like that and got away with it - least of all some greasy , conceited , little farm girl a single rung up from trailer trash . He parked the car and crawled out as his nerves shifted from the monologue detailing each of her faults to screaming that maybe this wasn 't such a good idea . With each step he took , they told him to just get back in the car and go home . However , he had come this far - even braving the wild she - beast , and he wasn 't going to back down now . Pulling his pride back up to him , he stepped onto the front porch , lifted his hand , and knocked . One moment became two , and then he looked around and listened for any sign of life . When he heard none , he reached up and knocked again just as a sickening feeling hit him . What if his grandfather had already died ? What if he was lying inside somewhere waiting for someone to find him ? What if … ? " Well , I 'll be tarred and feathered . " The old man shook his head as he pushed the screen door open . " Jaxton ? Is that you , Son ? " " Umm , yes , Sir , it is , " he said , fighting the hesitation and having no idea what to do next . Why couldn 't his eyes hold on the old man 's ? He 'd never had this eye contact problem before , now he couldn 't seem to get it together . " Come on in . I was just making out next week 's work schedule , " his grandfather said , waving a hand over the papers scattered across the coffee table . " Here , have a seat . You want something to drink - water ? Tea ? I might even have a Coke left if you want one . " " Oh . No , thanks . I 'm … I 'm fine , " Jaxton said uncomfortably as he felt the old man 's eyes appraise him like a piece of junk at a garage sale . He swallowed hard and attempted another smile , which got no farther than its predecessors . Shifting his weight to the other foot , Jaxton stole a glance at the old couch waiting for him , and he cringed as a decade 's worth of dust jeered up at him . So this was what his life had degenerated to . He took a deep breath and folded himself carefully onto the plaid nylon hoping he wouldn 't have to breathe again before he got up . " Oh , I 'm fine . ' Course I 'll be better once I get this wheat harvest out of the way , " his grandfather said , looking back at the papers lining the table . " You 'd think it 'd get easier after all these years , but it ain 't getting no easier . Just harder and harder to find anybody who 'll do an honest day 's work for an honest day 's pay . " Then like magic , his grandfather 's face brightened . " But Ed says we should make 80 bushels this year . That 's about the best I 've ever seen . ' Course , it 's still a month out , so anything 's possible . " Mr . Snyder sighed and shook his head . " Time sure gets by fast these days . Seems like just yesterday when you and Blake came down for the summer . How long ago 's that been anyway ? " Jaxton nodded , unsure of what else to do or say . He chanced a hesitant glance at his host sitting in the shadows as the fading sunlight played through the folds of the curtains . From the looks of the old man , Jaxton didn 't have a moment to waste . " Tell you what . " Mr . Snyder suddenly vaulted himself out of the chair . " Why don 't you bring your bags in , and I 'll go make us some supper ? " " Nonsense . You just flew all the way here from Chicago . Of course you 're hungry . But don 't worry . " His grandfather smiled . " I 've got just the thing . " " You can have the room at the top of the stairs . " His grandfather pointed up the narrow staircase . " Why don 't you go on up and get settled ? I 'll call you when it 's ready . " Ami wondered what was going on at the Snyder Farm as she started washing the dishes . By now she would 've thrown that obnoxious jerk off the place . What right did he have to show up like this anyway ? It was obvious he was only here to assess how long it would be before the farm changed hands . A shiver crawled up her spine at the very thought . Surely Mr . Snyder would see right through him and send him packing . Surely … Cord in hand , he sat on his heel to plug it in but stopped cold . Slowly he turned and surveyed the room , looking for a plug just as a sick feeling hit the pit of his stomach . There wasn 't a single phone jack to be seen anywhere . How was he going to get any work done with no phone jack ? " Oh , umm , yeah . " Jaxton set his fork down with a reluctant clink . He bowed his head and listened as the older man said the prayers he hadn 't heard in years . It was truly incredible how backward his grandfather was . They ate in silence for the first few minutes . The thought crossed Jaxton 's mind that his grandfather was right , this was about the best food he 'd ever eaten . It was so good in fact , that for a moment he forgot about all the complications in his life and just enjoyed eating . " Fowler , " his grandfather supplied . " Been my right hand man for more years now than I care to count . Anyway he said the boys from upstate should be here ready to harvest on the 15th so long as we don 't get any rain the week before . " " There 's just the four of us for now , " his grandfather said . " Me and Ed . And then Chris Delvin and Steve Porter . I 'm hoping to hire some school kids during the summer , but you never know . " " The bank took over - sold the land right out from under them , " his grandfather said with a sympathetic shake of his head . " It 's not uncommon these days . Everything 's getting too big . The little guys just can 't compete . " " He moved to Emporia and started selling fertilizer , but his workers were left with nothing . Chris and Steve had worked out there since they were little fellas , but by the time the place sold , they both had young families to think of and no real desire to move away from here . I hated to see them have to leave Rayland - especially with the little ones already established in the school . Besides with only 253 people , we need every person we can hang on to . " Instantly the food in Jaxton 's mouth rotted . He dropped his fork and pushed the plate away trying not to look at the food or spit the foul tasting stuff out of his mouth . With Herculean effort he swallowed that bite and took a long drink of water . Sweet ? Jaxton thought as the rage from the preceding 18 hours crowded back in on him . I can think of a word for her , and it certainly isn 't sweet . But he pushed that thought down and smiled what he hoped was politely . " Not that I 'd trade you boys , of course . But sometimes it 'd be nice … " His grandfather 's words trailed into silence before he looked back across at Jaxton 's plate . " You full ? " " Uh , yeah . " Jaxton fought to erase the picture of her from his mind . Why was that so hard ? " I 've got some work I need to get done - umm , that is , if you don 't mind . " " Course I don 't mind . " The old man shrugged . " I 'm sure your father 's got you working on all his biggest accounts . " " Yeah , " Jaxton said half - heartedly feeling sorry for himself again for a split second and then reflexively pushing that down . He had business to do , and he was going to get it done . Putting his hand on the hard sticks of gelled hair , he worked to get the next question out diplomatically . " Umm , I noticed there isn 't a phone line in my room . Where might I find one ? " " Uh . Yeah , " Jaxton said as he tried to figure out how to plug both his laptop and the fax machine into the same outlet . If , in fact , he could actually get to the outlet , he thought getting up to look at the phone more closely . It looked about a hundred years old , and the ingrained dirt on it made it appear brown although Jaxton was sure it had been white at some point . He wished he could take out his handkerchief to pick up the receiver without his grandfather noticing , but the old man was still standing at the table scraping the food off the plates and watching him intently . Slowly he inspected the phone from as many angles as possible , and then he sighed and looked at his watch . 9 : 30 . " I can imagine . " His grandfather nodded with sympathy . " Well , there 's towels in the cabinet in the bathroom upstairs . If they aren 't clean enough , let me know . Nobody 's been up there in a few years , so there 's no telling what it looks like by now . " Ugh . Dust . Everything 's in this house is so disgusting . Clicking the suitcase latches open in frustration , Jaxton yanked his Yale sweats out and slammed it closed again . Instantly he choked on the fresh dust cloud . Now I know why we never visited . These people should really get a life - and a maid . He stalked into the bathroom and reached for the light , but nothing to this point had prepared him for the sight of that bathroom . Immediately all - out nausea closed in on him . Moldy rust formed a path down the back of the sink , which rose on a pedestal from the decaying tile floor . As he looked at it , all he wanted to do was run - far and fast . How had he gotten talked into this ? Why him ? Why not Blake ? Or Uncle John ? Or his father ? He took a deep breath to steel the churning of his stomach as he reached for the curtain . The sight of the tub - mold crawling up the back wall and sickening green slime covering the portion of the curtain he held in his hand disintegrated the last of his resolve . Without another thought , he dropped the curtain and fled from the bathroom not even bothering to turn off the light . Ami had spent the entire afternoon trying to forget about the stranger from Chicago . If only she didn 't feel such loyalty to Mr . Snyder , she could 've easily dismissed him from her mind . But inevitably as he had for the last two months , Mr . Snyder crossed her mind again , and instantly a picture of the shiny shoes flashed through her mind . What a jerk ! What a total , unmitigated jerk ! How can anybody be that callous ? That calculating ? He could 've at least waited until the body was cold before moving in to divide the spoils . She shook her head to clear the intrusive thoughts away , but they weren 't going anywhere . Then she shook her head vehemently . As much as she wanted to check on Mr . S , the last thing she wanted to do was appear interested in the jerk who happened to be his grandson . Tomorrow she would call , or maybe if she biked out past the South Quarter she 'd get lucky enough to catch Mr . S there . She needed to bring him another casserole anyway , and she was sure the jerk from the big city would do everything he could to avoid the fields . " Dear God , " she prayed silently on her way to her room , " please take care of Mr . S . I think he needs Your help more now than when he was in the hospital . Be by his side and protect him from all evil . Amen . " Share this : TwitterFacebookTumblrRedditPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted on October 29 , 2014 , in Amazon book , Christian Book , e books , ebooks , Excerpt and tagged Amazon , Amazon Kindle , books . 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Wow . REALLY let the last month get away from me . Not for no reason , but I 'll have to figure out how to stay on top of journaling when I 'm back in the craziness of school . Sun , 29th - I left her place relatively early for us . It took some resolve not to initiate anything physical again that would end up keeping me there for longer than she needed . Getting home early in the afternoon I did some stretching , listen to podcasts , and spent several hours that evening and night writing my posts about the weekend and completing a longer 1 - off post about a big conversation that had happened weeks ago but I hadn 't been emotionally ready to relive until then . At home , Carly also sent me a song on Spotify that was about the singer asking if there was another man . As I listened to it , it said a lot of things that I had been feeling and actually included lines that were almost identical to the ones I 'd written in songs . She told me she would only listen to it in her car for a week or two feeling sad and guilty because she wouldn 't listen around New Guy . Although I do care about her and want to remain , there is a small voice that pops up and asks why I am choosing to stay in touch with someone who made a plan and left me for someone else , even though she says she didn 't leave me for him because she didn 't think he 'd follow through . Knowing that I would be visiting Chicago over the coming weekend , I was curious and asked Rori how she is expecting me to operate on the occasion that I meet someone that I am attracted to and want to get close to . Her response was that we aren 't in a relationship and to do whatever I was comfortable with as long as I wouldn 't feel any need to lie to her about it . That confused me since I 've always been in a relationship where the line of what is appropriate is always clear ahead of time . I started thinking out loud about how we aren 't nothing , and realized maybe the best way to put it was that I am dating and that she is someone I 've gone on dates with and that 's really all the expectation there is . In that moment my mind kind of exploded and expanded to understanding a whole new bigger world of reality that everyone else had known , but I 'd manage to avoid really understanding . Tues , 31st - Mostly I continued to confirm people and plans for my Cincinnati birthday and my upcoming visit to Chicago . In the evening I had accidentally started preheating the oven with the pans that end up getting stored there still inside . I decided that I 'd find a new place for them soon , which I knew could mean rearranging other storage areas to make room for them . Wed , Feb 1st - In the morning I decided to move some of the items I decided to bring back to Chicago that I 'd left in the living room down to the basement . Doing that reminded me that I 'd meant to rearrange the pots in the kitchen . As I suspected , in order to make useful room for the pans and cooking skeets in the oven , I ended up going through all of the cabinets that held other kitchen ware , pots , tupperware , and appliances . I guessed what could be thrown out and re - organized things along with other items they 'd likely be used with . As I was going through the kitchen , I found seasonal serving bowls and other items that made more sense in the basement with other seldom - used items . After bringing those things down and putting them in the best place I could think , I kept finding other areas to straighten up . The laundry area had a heap or two of trash rags and items that needed to be thrown out . Since I was there , I also re - arranged and organized the shelving and other laundry items . Next to the laundry is the " utility closet " kind of area that contained a heap of paint cans and home improvement and car supplies . I moved and organized all the paint cans out of the way and organized the separate car , home improvement , and yard care items . I headed back to the kitchen where I 'd left a bunch of plastic travel cups to find a place for . I realized the closet where the reusable / lunch bags are would be a good place for them . As I went through the closet to make room I started finding stashes of candles that I started gathering on the table to bring into the basement later . As I had worked my way through the basement and closet , I also kept finding stashes of papers that had indiscriminately held onto in case they ended up being necessary . As I collected these , I realized the spare room closet might be the best and biggest place to keep all theses things together and close enough to sort through easily . Making room for all those papers meant clearing room out of the spare closet and it seemed the upstairs haAt the end of the day , I got to help my technologically challenged Momma set up her own bitmoji that she 'd been wanting for a while . After we 'd eaten she finally got to show me the poem she wanted to the night before but couldn 't because we had to leave for our date . The poem was very powerful and covered a lot of what is really important and meaningful in a human life . I highly recommend anyone reading give it a look . It 's called The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer . This went on for probably a couple hours while she went in circles rehashing the same handful of to - dos in her mental list of things to get done but then conceded that some of it just couldn 't be scheduled and done during the weekend but would have to wait till the week . During this time we also did some rolling around on her living room floor and she challenged me to benchpress her so I did a handful of times and then tried to hold her up like an airplane with my legs . I was able to do it , but not with much control or any grace . We kept getting side tracked by fun little distractions with each other and would keep coming around to what she was going to decide to get done . At one point I was going to drive her to get her car worked on and then we 'd go to a place nearby to play laser tag but it wasn 't in walking distance . Eventually she gave up on almost everything and we had gotten hungry so we went to grab lunch . After a big lunch that filled me up I think I was feeling a food coma coming on and said I needed some coffee . She guided me to a nice unique coffee shop she liked and we almost got in a couple accidents on the way . Once we had my drink and her cookie we sat on a couch and discussed our feelings about the different love languages . I accidentally crossed the line and pulled back a couple times from being too affectionate with her in public since she was concerned about being a distraction to people working . We put the groceries away , then almost immediately took some back out when we decided what to make for dinner . Some kind of burrito bowl thing I think . Good though . Rori decided to send her friend Michelle a photo of both of our bowls to see if she put together that she was on a date . Rori makes it seem like she 's very reluctant to let almost anyone know when she is seeing anyone , and I 've heard her say more times than I can remember that " I don 't date . " She seemed to me making some kind of exception for me , but I don 't know what that means or really what to think of it . We moved to the couch and watched a pretty good movie after dinner . I 'm sure we were talking about other things now and then throughout the movie but I don 't remember what exactly . She kept checking her phone waiting for her friend Michelle 's reaction and eventually decided to take another photo where just my hand wrapping around her arm was visible . Michelle finally put it together and I think sent a few messages and then called . Rori gave me the phone to answer and I said hi to Michelle and there was just a confused and maybe stunned silence on the other end . Rori snatched the phone back , told Michelle she 'd talk to her later , and hung up . It all felt reminiscent of the kind of ' reveal ' moment that I haven 't had for a very , very long time . I forget exactly how we got to this topic exactly , but shortly after the movie was over she mentioned her crazier college days . I wasn 't really able to share similar stories , but could only talk about how I was able to retain so much of my innocence through undergrad and how I actually like my innocence but how I think it can cause confusion with women specifically . Though I 'm very honest and straightforward about my interest in them , I think they assume that comes with more expectations than I actually have . When they might think that I 'm trying to stick it in , in reality I am trying to just cuddle and kiss them all night . She 's very smart and insightful so she asked some good questions and I ended up telling her about my current feelings about sex and partner selection . How the only person I 'd been with since was someone who I met at a philanthropic event , who I found out volunteered and I could tell was a good person , but , kinda like Rori , had some walls up . We laughed about that a little . I talked about how thoroughly I tried to explain my situation to this girl out of fear of hurting her and she told me to shush , that she knew my situation , and to let it be . That was a gift . I also had a lot of meaning and personal conversations with her that I later found out meant enough for her to write me a letter thanking me for showing her it 's ok for her to be herself and how grateful she was for having met me . That has kind of set the standard for how meaningful , if temporary , I would want any future sexual relationships to be . It took some encouraging and questioning , and for a while her responses were too vague and evasive that I couldn 't understand what was happening . It became clear that our conversation about my innocence and commitment to holding onto it had brought something up . At first I thought maybe she was remembering and feeling the loss of innocence for mistakes she felt she 's made . I tried to tell her that I thought as long as mistakes were learned from that she didn 't have to lose anything , but could gain it back . Her response was that the mistakes she 's thinking of were someone else 's , not hers , and that she had any choice in the matter taken away from her . Her response was pretty funny and typical of her , giving her professional social worker opinion on how textbook my case was and that any guilt or shame on myself was misplaced . Regarding her own traumas , she shared a little more of how they happened . I didn 't show any reaction but let her know it made me want to kill someone and cry at the same time . She told me that she doesn 't like telling people because then they feel a need to protect her , even from themselves , and she doesn 't need to be treated differently like that . Not long after that , in part to prove to both of us that I wasn 't going to treat her any differently , and mostly because I just wanted to , I climbed on top of her and started thoroughly kissing her . She weakly tried pushing me off her with a smile on her face so I didn 't let her move me . She 'd previously told me that I do a good job of knowing when she 's wanting to play - fight , and when she really wants me to stop something . She does a good job of flatly using her words if I 'm accidentally doing something she doesn 't like . I kept kissing her and let my hands roam all over her . Again , I knew that I wanted , and was ready , for something , and that she could easily stop me if she wanted to . I led my hands around her hips and steadily between her legs , paying close attention for any indication to stop . She gave me none that I could tell , and instead gave signals of acceptance and encouragement , so I kept going . As much as I 've fantasized about meaningless sex , I don 't know if , in reality , I could enjoy it very much or in the same way . To me , the trust , gentleness , and acceptance that is required for physical intimacy makes it just as much , if not more , emotional than anything else I can think of . Being let into knowledge of someone 's body is an incredibly personal and irreversible thing . That is even still the case in " meaningless " sex . Once it seemed she was satisfied , I stopped and she almost went right to sleep , but she fought it and started kissing my chest . Working her way down my stomach , she had a lot of fun playing with how I would involuntarily twitch if she kissed me in the right places . She kissed her way down my stomach and kept kissing as she passed it . The knowledge that someone is choosing to take care of you in a way that doesn 't give back to them except for the knowledge that you are putting your trust in them is pretty emotional and beautiful too when you think about it . After a while , she said she was ready and would rather have me somewhere else . I told her I 'd been thinking the same thing . This wasn 't the first time I 'd been with someone since my relationship ended . There had been one person before , but this was the first time since I had made major steps in grieving and fully moving on from it . It felt a little different ; more real , since I 'd gotten to know Rori better in a way that I have a great amount of respect for her personal values , honesty , integrity , toughness , and kindness . Shortly after I got home from the grocery store I decided I couldn 't dwell in these feelings , doubts , and questions which felt like they were eating away and corroding me from the inside like a chemical burn . I texted her I 'd be open to talking soon and she asked right away if now worked . Forgetting her time zone is three hours behind , I was a little surprised and instantly froze in panic for a second but took a breath and thought I didn 't have a good enough reason not to so I agreed and she called . Somehow the conversation transitioned to me asking her more about who she is now , and what she 's done and seen . Not with any judgement whatsoever , but it was crazy for me to hear her talk about drugs she 's seen regularly at Hollywood parties , and ones she 's tried or now does regularly herself for primarily pain management purposes . It was hard to wrap my head around how casual and informed she was on the topic as someone who I 'd known as a solidly conservative seeming , traditional seeming , almost Stepford Wife like person through much of our relationship . Eventually I just out and asked her some of the questions which had been eating away at me . When I told her she was still important to me and I was afraid I was no one to her now . I also told her I had been feeling insecure and inadequate at the thought of New Guy being everything I 'm not and that now she looks back and thinks less of me than she did when we were together because she didn 't know any better . She said none of that was true and let out a breath which also said it was a silly question . After all she had done and gone through since our breakup , and how much she seemed to have changed , I felt the need to ask . I did elaborate on some areas of comparison and was somewhat relieved to hear some of the specific ways that New Guy hadn 't been a good partner in ways I knew I had . The strangest area to discuss my newly developed doubts and insecurities was around my performance and contribution to the physical portion of our relationship . Our unique position of being each other 's first and only before we broke up is part of what enabled those feelings . I 'm much more reluctant and skeptical to accept any good about myself , but I fully accept the bad in an instant . Hearing about a few areas of strength in my ability to perform physically was a weight off my shoulders , and I immediately agreed with her only stated weakness about having room for more confidence . The area she said I was probably average I have a hard time feeling ok with because I 'm tough on myself and don 't consider average to be good enough . What made even the positive opinions difficult to hear was knowing that they were based on her experiences with other men ( which was kind of the point , I know ) . The hardest part might have been hearing how her opinions have changed , and her encouragement for me to also have a more casual encounter myself . I don 't judge or think any differently of her , but part of me naturally found it painful to hear that something we had once treated as somewhat sacred with each other , she was no longer treating as such , and could possibly have been giving what I thought of as a precious gift to people who might not be kind enough to deserve it . She apologized if dating someone else so fast contributed and made my feelings of insecurity and inadequacy worse . I told her the apology was unnecessary . We were broken up and she didn 't owe me anything so she didn 't do anything wrong . In fact she had been so good to me in our relationship that I told her , since I better understood and appreciated how well she loved me , she has become a role model for how I want to give in any form of relationship : taking any chance to care for my loved ones unconditionally . Her reaction was to tell me I shouldn 't want to be like her because she gave too much of herself . I don 't think the problem is being too giving and loving , but doing so from a false sense of roles and expectations instead of out of your own sense of self . Although her willingness to give and love was unconditional , I guess her own happiness and self worth has been directly conditional on others . As we talked about how we were doing , it was strange I was working on moving on from her while she was already moved on and trying to get over New Guy . I asked her why I was taking so long to move on . She said she had started the process of moving on long before we broke up and had been working up the courage to break up with me while also not wanting to make things harder for me while I was in the middle of grad school application stress . Apparently having New Guy really helped her get over me too . She did say she had a short while where she was mad at me or trying to be mad at me after she broke the silence and I got to tell and text her a ton of apologies . I wished I had reasons to be angry at her to make moving on a little easier , but told her I couldn 't really think of any since she had always been so good to me . She reminded me the fact she 'd been hiding and holding back her real self from me was fair reason . I guess I had already started to feel angry about that the more I understand how much she had kept from me and essentially felt lied to in many ways for a long time . She kept insisting I hadn 't done anything to influence it but she did it herself because of her expectations for any romantic relationship . She mentioned how in hindsight she was so much more fun with other friends and guy friends than she had been with me . That makes me feel lied to , and cheated , and in a sense she had given herself to other men in a way she wasn 't giving herself to me . Ironically , more fun side of her is what I fell in love with and maybe would have softened my fears about a Stepford life if she hadn 't gone away . The other thing she said it would be fair for me to get mad about was New Guy again . I told her again that we were broken up so she didn 't do anything wrong and I didn 't blame him at all for scooping her up asap . They had been friends from work and she said I could be mad they kept in touch so frequently . I said that wasn 't a big deal and she hadn 't really talked to him that much . When she told me she had been texting him every day for months before we broke up I was surprised and had not know it had been that much . I think she maybe made a half - hearted attempt to be transparent that they were in touch , but probably just enough to somewhat satisfy her conscience without really being enough for me to think twice about it . Even if I had know the true frequency , it probably never would have crossed my mind to question it because I trusted her without question . Something clicked in my head and I asked her if she was telling me she had cultivated feelings for him and had an emotional affair with him before we broke up . She said yes , but it wasn 't based on much because their conversation was very surface level . I didn 't feel much consolation from the style since the substance was still her choosing to continue indulging and developing feelings for him daily . That rocked my world . Whenever I had told friends or family how quickly she moved on I said I trusted her and I didn 't think anything inappropriate happened . I was wrong . I was wrong to trust her for that period when she had been allowing and developing feelings for someone she chose to contact every day while I was with her . Looping back around to how it was taking me so long to get over her while she was already moving on from someone else , we discussed a bit about how she doesn 't have interest in maintaining any kind of friendship with him because he wasn 't really capable of connecting with her on a meaningful level . I asked her how she was having a harder time moving on from someone she felt that way about than me . Her response was , in addition to simply choosing him and not being chosen back ( again ) , she felt she gave our relationship everything she could , but wasn 't able to have that chance with him because he walked away so easily . Before I would have agreed whole - heartedly that she had done absolutely everything she could have in our relationship . It was definitely true in the sense she gave all her time and energy into doing what she thought she was supposed to do , which was giving , caring and supporting . However , ironically , realizing more and more how she had kept herself and her needs from me , I could no longer agree she had done absolutely everything she could in our relationship . Shortly after the conversation , I remembered that while we had been discussing our future , I had asked her if she would be interested in going to therapy together . Her sentiment was therapy is what premarital counseling is for after I make the choice to commit or not . At the time she also felt the issue was isolated to me and not her . I probably would have agreed before knowing what I now know and I can 't help but wonder what couples therapy could have done if it had been able to surface the issues we 're now dealing with apart . Such thinking is futile so I try no to dwell on how we could have done more , but carry what I 'm learning forward . Since she knew I wanted brutal ( somewhat self - punishing ) honesty to be shown fully my errors so that I could better appreciate and thoroughly learn to never do them again , she told me how I hadn 't been there for her enough and at times left her alone to do my own work when she was frustrated about being turned down for several jobs she worked very hard for and when her grandfather passed away . In no way do I excuse myself for those things . I remorsefully apologized and am working on forgiving myself for it . I also acknowledged for myself that she had been putting on a brave face , a mask that wasn 't true , which I hadn 't asked her to , and made it harder for me to see through while I was already blinded by my own agenda . Part of me was triggered and wanted to say " well then why the fuck didn 't you say anything to me or my family to encourage me to get any help ? ! " After asking in more civil terms , since I knew it was possible she had tried to warn me but I had been dismissive and blind , all she was able to say was she did express towards the end of our relationship that she wanted to get out more . She was absolutely right and I should have taken her out more and I regret not . I also try not to dwell on wondering what could have happened if she 'd helped me get the help I couldn 't see I needed when she could see it . All this talk about what we had been learning about how we both tried be who we thought we were supposed to be instead of ourselves got me thinking . I asked , since the more we lost ourselves the worse we were for each other , if now finding ourselves brought us closer together again , whether she was categorically closed off to considering getting back together . I tried to be abundantly clear I wasn 't trying or in any state of mind to even think about getting back together , but I thought it would be a tragic shame if we somehow became right together yet ended up missing each other . By this point it was almost 4am and we 'd brought up but failed to end the conversation a couple times . We failed again by getting on the topic of our blogs . She 's been using her 's more as a platform to demonstrate , encourage and attract authenticity in people around her and it seems like she 's gotten really good response . Thinking more about her intentions after our conversation really inspired me to set the same example by being more fully vulnerable and exposed by not hiding behind any anonymity and being as forthcoming as possible in any blog post or conversation without reservation or embarrassment but fully owning everything past and present . She said I could follow her but I passed for now and I gave her my blog name but I think asked she hold off on looking until I felt more comfortable with it . In the end it was a relief to be able to ask the questions that had gnawing and eating away at me . There were also some very difficult things to hear and find out about which would take several of days to come to terms with . I see it all as good truth to hear as knowing is a required step to accept things as they really are so I can put them behind me and move forward . The conversation to a bigger tangent to the subject of how men and women are expected to behave in public vs . private . That got me talking about how I think I accidentally scare women off when I 've spoken with them for a while and then plainly tell them that I like them . I now guess that the assumption is that as a man with wiener , I must be a heartless fuck - driven animal instead of someone content to get close , kiss , and better get to know her as an actual human being . Absolutely mind - boggling concept huh ? It saddens and disappoints me how culturally sexist so many people are in this way . Anyways , since we 'd gotten on the subject of my struggling with being understood , and she had in recent conversations been clear , confident , and casual about being over me , I didn 't hold back asking her opinion on how to communicate with women . At first she had not problem with the issue and told her self reasons why she shouldn 't have a problem with it , but her reasons slowly turned into remembering how hurt she was by us and reasons not to talk to me about this . I apologized and explained my position based on all the information she had been giving me . It seemed that perhaps in that very conversation she was realizing that she may still have baggage from us since she no longer had another relationship or as much distraction of dating as she had previously . Her mention of her baggage moved us back on the debate of how much of the real her I actually got to see and be with during our relationship . She said that I got all of her , but when I brought it up it seemed she 's almost forgotten that she herself had previously confirmed that I had not when I asked , and reminded her of the painful explanation she had given me about how other people , including men , had gotten to see the real her more than I did . She said I did start to get more of her again towards the end but that isn 't the most comforting and who is to say how much that really was . It was probably getting close to late afternoon by then and after the conversation we had I was glad I hadn 't brought up the fact that I had a second date with someone I 'd previously spent the whole weekend with . I had been glad not to hear about any dates she 'd gone on or been going on either . I confirmed what time I should arrive and got ready before heading out . That girl is impossible sometimes . Thankfully she was honest about it and knew she was impossible , and I 'm a very patient person for this kind o thing , but apparently the 6 - 7pm hour for her is when she just gets tired and grumpy and doesn 't want to do anything but just be tired and grumpy until . So essentially we just hung out in her kitchen doing nothing while I was trying to learn how to deal with her in this condition . She was pretty helpful though and I learned pretty quickly not to suggest any kind of activity . Instead I basically just entertained myself by pulling her in , swaying with her , and grabbing each others butts . She did get tired of being smothered by my kisses so I tried to meet her in the middle and think I did a pretty good job . We also got to talking about how crazy her job as a social worker was . I think it was earlier that same day she said that she had to " do a restraint " on a kid who was flipping out . Apparently the kid was ten years old , not small for his size , and just turned into a complete animal when restrained . So much so that it took three adults to execute a restraint without getting covered in spit or anything else gross the kid could think to use against them . Somehow our silly conversation got her to ask what I would do in a hypothetical situation where I had to choose to try to shoot her with poison dart , otherwise she would try to kill me with a gun . I felt like guns are more difficult to use than most people think and that I 'd like to think I would take the chance to save us both by not trying to use the dart gun but using non - lethal defense . At some point we moved the conversation to laying on her bed where she essentially tried , yet again , to tell me that I either have too high standards for myself or too low for others . She also tried to tell me that I should somehow demand more respect somehow or something like that to which I explained how my standards change the closer I choose to let someone get to me and that if people don 't give me the respect I 've earned then I 'd rather look for other people then demand respect . The topic reminded her of a poem that she wanted to show me but we had to be on our way if we didn 't want to be late for the escape room . The escape room experience was a lot of fun overall . I 'd chosen one where we started blindfolded and handcuffed . Most of the entire challenge was a series of combination locks based on clues . A couple times we got stuck for a long time and needed to use a clue to point us in the right direction which would give us a burst of progress before we would eventually get stuck . I was pretty reluctant to use clues at all , but after a while of struggling , Rori pretty easily convinced me to accept a couple . Some clues were a little iffy in their execution also which ended up needing to be kind of freebie clues . We were only one or two clues away from completing the challenge when time ran out . The guy running our challenge told us by far that we had made it further than he 'd seen any two people go , and that only 1 / 3 of larger groups were successful . She was pretty grumpy anyways about not winning because she 's pretty competitive . Although she told me about it , I think she was trying her best not to let me really see it . It was pretty clear that she had a good time . I think we made a pretty good team too . We worked individually to cover more ground when we needed , and came together as partners when we needed also , or taking turns when one of us got stuck on something . I also learned that although she 's dyslexic , if her mind isn 't rearranging the numbers , she 's very fast with mental math . After we had our picture taken and left , we saw a wine and coffee bar on the way home and thought that sounded good so she told me how to get to one that she liked . The place was nice and comfy . We took stools at the bar and ended up sharing a 3 - glass flight of Spanish red wines which was very good . I tested the limits of her comfort with public affection while we shared thoughts on the differences between the glasses . The place we 'd gotten the food from was called Gomez , and they have things called turtles which are a lot like quesadillas , but are packed with a lot more and are dome shaped like a turtle shell . It was exactly what I needed . I ate my whole one in the time Rori had eaten half of hers and felt just the right amount of full . I think we pretty much headed to bed pretty quickly after our late night meal . It had to be probably midnight and 1am and Rori kept mentioning that she had things she hadn 't gotten done yet that she wanted to take care of tomorrow . I 'm not sure how much of her reiteration was to prepare me mentally or herself . I spent the entire day getting almost fully caught up on my journaling . It took forever because the last 5 days were pretty eventful so I ended up writing about 10 , 000 words which I 'm not sure if that 's a lot for a whole day , but not really considering myself a writer it felt like a ton and some of the strain to remember and sort through the emotional impact of things was pretty exhausting . I just hope I remembered the most important stuff and got it accurately . She was pretty upset about it . Much of the conversation was similar to another recent one where she felt manipulated and used my him to go out there and now she felt disposable and replaceable . I told her that the more I heard about this guy the worse I thought of him and that he didn 't really deserve for her to care about him . She agreed , but feelings don 't listen to reason . To try to make her feel better , I reminded her how irreplaceable she 's been to me for the last almost … 9 months now ( holy crap ) since I haven 't really been able to fully move on and I think that seemed to help her a little . I tried to tell her not to be too hard on herself for not really knowing him because even with un - manipulative people it 's possible to know someone for a long time and not really know them at all . She asked if that was a dig at her and it could have been , but I meant it in a lot of ways . In many ways I still held on to fear of problems that we had early in our relationship that she had done a very good job of growing from . I also know that relationships in my close family often times feel like they can 't fully see who I am today because of who they 've known me as in the past . As she reflected on how terrible he is / was , at one point she apologized to me that he was the guy she ran to so quickly after me that it encouraged my insecurity and inadequacy . She also apologized that I found out about them when she called in the deepest depth of my depression . I appreciated the apologies , but she didn 't do anything wrong and I was going to find those things out eventually so I 'm glad they happened sooner than later . The other good thing was that now , in hindsight and hearing about how much of a selfish manipulative jerk that guy was helps me to feel less insecure and inadequate than if he actually had been an amazing guy ( although I did tell her she deserved an amazing guy ) . Although it may be a bit of an exaggeration by her fresh and heightened emotions , it was a relief to hear her say that he 's not even in the same league of human being that I 'm in . Even though it was difficult for her to talk about how her last two relationships ( including me ) were with emotionally unavailable guys , I was relieved to hear her say that she knew that I at least " tried so hard " to be available even though I was just blind and unable to see in order to do anything at the time . We talked about how she knew what I was feeling when I didn 't and how almost all of the things I 've learned are things she knew and tried to tell be but I just couldn 't see . She talked a little bit about how the thought of being emotionally shut down herself is appealing , and would be an ironic reversal of our positions , but I told her all that is a lie and it eventually finds a painful way out that you pay for later . I told her that she 's her own person , but that I hoped she wouldn 't do anything desperate or reckless to try to numb or run from the pain of acknowledging that she has feelings . She thought I meant suicide but I tried to explain that I was talking about anything that would be treating herself poorly or like less than she is . I 'm not sure if she fully understood but I hope she did . At one part during our breakfast / dinner I thought I saw Meaghan walk by outside . I ran out to say hi but when I passed her while she was turning into a shop I saw her face wasn 't Meaghan and I got scared off . As I was running away it registered just how gorgeous she was . Part of me wish I had stopped her so that I had an excuse to talk to her and see if she was nice , but I didn 't go back to check for her until she was already gone . Another hard lesson in talking to girls , it 's now or never so I hope next time I say something when you can so I don 't have to wonder " what if . " Driving home I think I pretty much just tried to find music to listen to that helped time go by . I don 't remember really thinking too much on the drive except trying to remember all the things that had happened over the weekend . Jillian also messaged me about having the call we were supposed to have which reminded me that I was supposed to talk to Carly that night too so I was thinking about that too on the way home . My convo with Jillian was nice . It was pretty heavy on my stuff but I told her I 'd like to hear more about her soon . There was barely enough time to give her the story up to the point of coming home , but we were able to laugh together about how ridiculous my depression was able to do at a few points . I also tried to explain to her what it was like since she hadn 't really been able to relate when her brother had gone through similar difficulties . Then Carly called . We spoke from about 8 to 11 : 30 . Thankfully it wasn 't a very difficult conversation like some of the previous ones . We talked about how I 've been doing an what I 've been up to which got us on the topic of my new attempts at cooking . I used that as an opportunity to apologize for not doing more cooking for us when we were together . She told me how she adopted some of my really easy cooking habits since her emotions from her latest breakup give her a regular upset stomach and she didn 't care as much about taking time to cook . Now she makes hard boiled eggs like I used to and I make little muffin tin omelets which I learned because she used to . We found a couple other examples I can 't remember about how we 've switched places in some of the things we used to do . As we were wrapping up and saying goodnight , I decided to tell her some of the ways I felt about our last long , difficult call . I told her about how I know I did a lot of things wrong and it may seem like I 'm coming to terms with it since I 'm apologizing for them so much , but that it still really hurts if she makes seemingly harmless or joking references to how I sucked unless she has a real point in bringing it up for us to discuss . She seemed to be ok with that . Then I told her about some of the less obvious ways that the last conversation affected me like just hearing about her new lifestyle and personal opinions . Her life seems so completely different than what I knew of her for so long that it 's a bit confusing and distressing emotionally to try to think about what that might mean . It makes me feel even more like I never really knew her at all . I also told her I knew it 's not my place to ask or tell her how to live , and I don 't judge , but hearing about some of her meaningless encounters with men made me sad in some complicated ways . It wasn 't so much that she was with someone besides me , what bothered me was the possibility that she was giving such a precious thing to people who might not deserve such a gift . Essentially , I was just hoping that , if anyone , she would be sharing her beautiful self with men who were good people and deserved to be cared for in that way instead of rewarding manipulative , slimy guys for being terrible people . It took a while to explain that to her that I didn 't know how she was meeting these guys or what they were like , but since I didn 't know , by feelings reacted to the whole range of possibilities based on what little I knew . I think she understood , but not really being able to know my thoughts , she said that I made her feel like a whore . I hope that the more I 've explained , the more she understands that 's not what I think or how I would want her to feel . It 's exactly because I think she 's not one that I hope she 's not rewarding and getting too close to soulless man - whores instead of decent men . I almost missed therapy again . I think I set my alarm early enough that the mom was still getting ready to go to work and I didn 't want to get in her way so I must have turned my alarm off or something . I woke up a while later to the sound of another alarm outside my bedroom door . Pretty embarrassing to say but since she knew I missed therapy the day before , she set an extra alarm for me . Very nice and thoughtful , but it sounds pretty pathetic and is not the easiest to admit , but I 'm really trying to work on not holding back even in the little ways that are really easy to just omit and own everything that is real . She went on to point that out as a very extreme type of oversimplified black - and - white thinking to always assume and put all the worst on myself and all the best on others . I get that , but I also see others often excusing themselves for things that they played a role in being responsible for and I don 't want to be a person who makes excuses and doesn 't learn from my mistakes and continues to hurt people . In that way I guess it does come back to my deep and powerful core value to " never hurt anyone " , which is impossible but I believe worth trying to minimize and I am very harsh and unforgiving of myself when I fail . One counter to my assumption that I was the only one who had done anything wrong was talking with Leah about the strange little relief to know that Carly had been holding back a whole lot from me about who she really was and what she really needed . The more that sinks in the more it feels like being constantly lied to . It isn 't about laying any blame , but was a relief to know I wasn 't the ONLY person who had done ANYTHING wrong like I had been telling myself . In comparison to that , the fact that she was consciously in contact with someone else on a daily basis and developing feelings for them while we were still together doesn 't feel like nearly as big of a betrayal as the foundational lying it turns out she had been doing to both of us for so long . Don 't worry , I 'm not using this as ANY kind of excuse for myself , I still take plenty of the blame for wrongdoing still , it has just been important for me to really see past some of my black - and - white thinking that EVERYTHING was ALWAYS ALL my fault . I think the topic of being so harsh on myself is what reminded me and shifted us to talking about my realizations about how for a long time my extreme pressure , and expectations , and withholding , and harshness with myself was in a way abusing myself . She told me about someone she knew or heard about who put a childhood photo on their bathroom mirror and reminded to love themselves and and treat themselves and talk to themselves the way they would to the little little version of them self that was in the photo . That is something I might try doing since my realization was essentially that I was abusing that person inside me . I headed straight to the bar I was meeting the girls at and Mike D . also decided to come hang out even though he didn 't know anyone else . I got to catch up with Jim Christy who Julie now works with . Mike and everyone got introduced , and talked a little bit about work stuff , then also about dogs , I found out that someone I had worked with used to be a Hooters waitress which I was so happy to know , then a bowling lane opened up and I talked to Paige about what she 's thinking about her career . We all took a picture to share with Kaitlin and Stacy who didn 't end up making it out . We moved on to Local Bar when it seemed the larger group was winding down pretty early . I got to practice talking with girls who I didn 't know at all without trying too hard . Luckily I actually had a genuine question to ask one of their group who they all were . When some of her group came back , I got to talk with them too . One of whom was a cute , single blonde who I had noticed earlier . They were very cool and the conversation was pretty fun for me at least , then someone turned it political and the dynamic started to get weird even though I didn 't think anyone said anything offensive . They said they were going to Union for the rest of the night after I told them I was going to meet other friends at Pint House and we went our separate ways . Maybe I should have been more direct and given special attention to the cute blonde instead of just being friendly . I don 't know , that 's just the stuff I wonder about after I meet cute girls that get my attention and try to be a genuinely friendly person and considerate of the friends they 're with . Grant and Carson were there when I got to Pint House so I got to catch up and have both dumb and some bits of meaningful conversation with them . It 's crazy think about how I used to volunteer and mentor them in a christian organization and now I go out and party with them , but to be honest it 's not weird because at the heart we just have brotherly relationships and really care about each other and want to have fun together . We did have a lot of fun being stupid but we also talked a little bit about the status of things with Carly . Carson was sad to hear about it because he knew her and we had been an example to him . He also told me that I was the only man that he ever cried in front of and how much that meant to him , how it changed his life , and I think he even said was one of if not THE best day of his life . I remembered the night he was talking about . He had a girlfriend who he cared about and she was upset about something bad that happened to her , and he was upset for her . He shed some tears and I had met his father who was a pretty hard man , and I knew that Carson put a lot of his identity in football and a lot of other things that often encourage the rejection or suppression of certain emotions that are considered weakness . I told him that I loved him . I told him that I didn 't care if he was great or terrible at football . I told him I didn 't think any less of him as a man for crying , but maybe even more . I told him that anything he succeeded at or failed at wouldn 't change the fact that I just loved him like a brother . Then we got back to doing dumb stuff . I met their other friends there and one of them was a girl with a cute face and dark brown eyes named Rachel who I thought if she was nice that I would like to maybe kiss and cuddle with . We all went to Union next and the girls who said they would be there from Local Bar were nowhere to be found . Shame . At Union the only meaningful conversation we had was briefly about how I 've never had a one night stand . Part of me now wonders if that conversation could have been misleading because I would still go home with , and kiss , and cuddle , and maybe fool around with someone if they were cute and nice enough . Then we headed to The Standard for a while an on the way in I somehow was roped into a short conversation with some cute girls , but my innocent non - opportunistic mind didn 't think to try to extend the conversation to see if they or anyone they knew were nice , cute , and single . I was looking and hoping to find someone to kiss and cuddle with , but my own unique desires and standards are pretty abnormal which makes it hard to be understood and find what I 'm looking for . I like my innocence in this way and I am too stubborn to change to operate how is normal , instead of doing things my way . We didn 't stay at The Standard for too long before ubering to some other place that they young 22 - year - old boys chose . Turns out it was a very clubby place in the middle of campus filled with 18 - year - olds grinding on the dance floor . There were a rare couple nice girls in groups that seemed to have class and would be nice to get to know , but again the safe thing to assume about a guy in a place like that is that he just wants to have meaningless and selfish sex with anyone he finds attractive enough . I pretty felt very discouraged and lonely by the truth of that fact , and how much I didn 't really like the environment I was in . I think that 's when I opened my phone and typed this note as a draft in wordpress : I missed having someone who I didn 't have to wonder if they were a kind and caring human being , and if they understood or cared about who I was . I missed knowing there was someone like that who I could go to almost whenever I wanted and that they would also want to be with me . I also am so full of intimate memories with her that whenever I imaging getting close with someone in any capacity , my default is to see it with her . It was fun and rewarding , and I was proud of what I had accomplished by the and but gee whiz was I tired . I finished cooking and cleaning around 7pm maybe . Just in time to wind down a bit , eat one of the dinners I made since I hadn 't eaten since breakfast , then start heading for an early bedtime . Then Carly called on the other line . Since it was unexpected I wasn 't sure if it meant something bad had happened . She was upset . It turned out her ex after me had done something which let her know that he was seeing someone else . She said she felt insignificant and that she meant nothing to him . I told her how many people she did mean something to including me , and how many people who thought her blog was worth listening to and sharing . After that she was feeling stupid for moving out to Cali for him at all , which is understandable . When she said he shouldn 't have asked her to go out there to be with him I had to agree whole heartedly that he should have know she wasn 't in a place to be making big and drastic decisions like that for some one else . I also tried to tell her not to be so hard on herself for making a mistake during a challenging time like that . She described some things about him which made me ask if he was even much of a decent guy at all , and it seems like he wasn 't really . I told her it didn 't seem like he deserved to be cried over and she asked me how I was able to talk to her , especially when she needed my support to get over him , without taking it as a reflection on myself . I think the two thing I said was that 1 ) I know at the end I wasn 't being myself and didn 't deserve her and that she 'll always be important to me , and 2 ) that getting to help her any way I can helps me to feel like I 'm no longer being the person I was with her at the end who didn 't or couldn 't make her enough of a priority . However , this was a rare chance for Cullen to get undivided quality time with me and I 'd say he definitely took advantage of it . I think we played with trains first and built a decent sized though not really functional track . I think it was almost breakfast time by this point and Cullen walks in with a couple pairs of sunglasses and has me wear one of them in all kinds of different ways . We took a couple videos to see ourselves make faces . Cullen just could not wait for me to be done so we could go play with the blocks next . He kept asking if I was done with my food yet then done with my tea yet again and again . I didn 't mind at all since he 's so cute and was a sign of how much he wanted to spend time with me since he could have played blocks with anyone else without waiting for me . We build a pretty sweet castle if I do say so myself . We built it around a doll and Cullen wanted pictures with it . I think he wanted to reenforce the castle theme so before the pictures he ran into his sister 's room and came back with some kind of princess scepter thing and held it for the pictures . Once we captured the moment , he now wanted to switch to playing castle by dressing up . He kept bringing me different kinds of princess shoes from his sisters room which couldn 't reach past my big toe and felt like they 'd break if I put my weight on them . He then decided that I was the King and he was the Queen and we did a little walk around the house before turning back into normal people again and he had me pull him around the house on a little plastic turtle . All I can remember next is having a cup of tea while the family showered and got ready for the day . At one point little Cully was running around noodie holding his towel in the air and giggling . I tool my turn to shower and when I came out I decided that it was time for me to head home , but Arie had gotten back while I was showering . I told her it was too bad that I didn 't get to see her this morning because she wasn 't home and both her and her brother latched onto my legs saying to stay just one more night . I was honored of course and tempted , but something in me was ready to get back home maybe to try to get closer to something resembling a normal week . I also knew I had a lot of cooking to do that would be thrown off if I didn 't get back in time to eat it that week . They took me to the ground and piled on top of me to keep me from leaving which made me feel so loved and happy , but I told them that I could come back soon . Arie pushed to know when and I told her maybe in a couple weekends from now . The drive home started out just fine , but then fucking Bonnie Raitt had to go and ruin it with her song " I can 't make you love me . " Whenever I hear that god damn song all I can hear and see is Carly 's heart crying out to me over our years together and how she gave everything and would have done anything and I just couldn 't or wouldn 't do the same in return . I cried for the first time in a while thinking about how I wasn 't there for her and treated her so poorly . In short I was abusing myself terribly . One side of me was demanding , unreasonable , conditional , and abusive with what had once been the real me but had been beaten down into this overwhelmed , stressed , scared , lost , insecure , identity which eventually fully believed all the worst about itself that the abusive thoughts would tell it . I was killing myself , and eventually I broke myself , my spirit , my worth , my will to live , Something got me thinking of my trip back to school and if I 'll have some opportunity to tell my whole story . I immediately knew that there were parts of the story in my past that I would be ashamed of and want to avoid or minimize in sharing . Then I started thinking about how much our holding back from each other keeps us from really helping one another in times of need . If we don 't own these problems and let them show , but keep them to ourselves , how are others and young ones going to recognize or feel safe enough to let their problems show to get the help they need ? People like me don 't really get the help needed until after reaching the very end of our rope … otherwise the buildup of pain finds escalating outlets for relief through unhealthy attention seeking , isolation , substance abuse , workaholism , shopaholism , violence against themselves or others , reckless endangerment , suicide , homicide , mass killing , and probably even some if not many human atrocities . I don 't think anyone chooses to do these things for what they are . I think that there is so much repression from teaching and inability to find healthy outlets that pain builds up to the point of desperate and extreme behavior . |
auntiemomA while back when the nephews were visiting , I put one of their sleeping pads in the office so that the aging Willson could spend time with me comfortably . When the handsome Setters left , Harry missed the availability of the pad , having favored sleeping on it rather than his usual spot on the loveseat which had been usurped by Topper during his cousins ' stay . Not only was the pad gone but while visiting , Topper , the younger dog spent some joyful time shaking apart the 2nd sleeping pad in the bedroom leaving a mass of pale green stuffing at that end of the room and Harry without sleeping options . Thanks to my sister , we were able to find not one but two zippered replacement pads at a reasonable price and used the filling from the destroyed pad to plump out the new pads . That really made Harry happy . Not only did he had another choice in the bedroom but his achy joints could settle in easily while in the office . But Harry isn 't the only one who likes the new office bed , Blakey , the black cat with storybook markings , has claimed it as his as well . He can often be found curled up in the center , sound asleep . Waiting to disrupt that sleep is his brother , Mongo . When tired of watching the birds from his perch on the printer by the window , Mongo will slip down to the fleecy pet bed and settle next to Blakey . Within minutes the games begin . Sweetly enough there is the grooming , the gentle cleaning which is soon followed by a Mongo pounce , forelegs around his brother ready to go a few rounds . Next is the biting in turn followed by the yelping from Blakey once again caught trusting too well . At last Blakey storms away while Mongo sits on the pad , innocently licking his paws , the sole possessor of the new pad . At least once a day Harry comes into the room to find Blakey in the middle of the bed . He will look at me making tiny noises to tell me that all is not well with him . No problem : pick up the sleeping cat , dog immediately circles to lie down and then put the now - awake cat back down on an unused section where those Tags : auntiemomYesterday my sister and I had what we both hope is a once - in - a - lifetime experience . We would have preferred never but we weren 't given that option . It began simply enough near the end of a day trip to pick up some parts for my chain - link fence which had been damaged in a recent storm . We had planned to stop for a late lunch once the parts and pieces had been loaded into the car . Usually I let Jan select but I wanted to stop at a restaurant where my husband and I used to eat a wonderful pressure fried chicken for both the taste and the pleasant memories . So we drove around the Burton square , passing the maple sugar cabin , and parked in front of the restaurant now renamed because of a change in management . The menu was the same , however . I tried to order the chicken but after checking , the waitress informed me that they were out of it . Since the waffle and pancake section of the menu had a large heading indicating that nothing but pure Geauga County maple syrup was served here , I ordered belgian waffles figuring I could share them with my sister . She ordered a salad . The meals arrived but when I poured the syrup it seemed unreasonably thick , more like the corn syrup maple substitute that is now called pancake syrup and is bland and tasteless . I tasted it and sure enough , no flavor , all corn syrup . When we questioned the waitress , she informed us that they had been out of maple syrup for some time and that when people found this out , sometimes they became angry and left . I told her we 'd stay but not having maple syrup was odd because I could see the Burton Log Cabin Sugar Camp just by turning my head . . . and it was open . Switching to grape jelly for flavor worked for me but I couldn 't offer Jan a waffle triangle because they already had some corn syrup on them and she is allergic to corn products . We had eaten only a few bites when suddenly my sister leapt from her seat yelling , " Why are you exterminating when I 'm eating ? I 'm allergic to that stuff ! " And sure enough , I turned in mid bite to see a fellow with a largCurrent Location : United States , Ohio , BurtonCurrent Mood : aggravated auntiemomNot very long ago I read an article about grief and mourning . What it said essentially is that it is okay to grieve for however long and in whatever form it takes , . I prefer that my grief be slightly private . I hate funerals because you either have to grieve in front of people or you have to put on a brave face . I 'm not there and wasn 't for either option . The process of making peace with a loss , of forgiving him for leaving , forgiving myself for obviously not doing enough despite knowing that there was little that could be done for his form of dementia , is rocky . I learned more and as a result knew less . I focused on my anger and then had not only regrets but more anger because I knew there were things I should have done , ways in which I should have been different . I should have been a better person to him ; he should have cherished me as I cherished him . When we first married we were so young that we didn 't really know what we were doing , just playing it by ear on my part and playing it by some mysterious book on his . It was confusing because marriage changed him and ay first it didn 't change me . . . until being married to him did cause me to change to a person I didn 't know . And that both hurt and eventually caused some very misdirected anger . I know that was a turning point which I would like to take back . So I forget that for the last four years of his illness I was there for him . I forget because I 'm so into the negative that I forget the tenderness . Forget about trying to engage him , trying to share , trying to understand his demons and instead remember only the unpleasant details . But then it gets worse . As I slowly reintroduce myself to the music I 've always loved , I remember the good times , the times when we were in sync , the passionate times . And then I know something precious is gone . Someone remarkable has left the building of my life . It was so much easier to let loose the anger than it is to live without the love lost . auntiemomMongo lies in my arms now , flexing his paw occasionally to remind me that he is a cat , not just a lap warmer . His faint purr a simple musical background . For now , it is the only music I can bear . My adult life has been lived with so many aural cues guiding me . The sound of the pet drinking fountain when it runs low . A child with a stuffy nose . The sound of water running through the pipes when the house is sleeping - what was left on or is leaking ? The change of the sizzle in the frying pan - oops . The road wind though the slightly open car window - even in the winter . Rain on the windows telling me to bring in the dogs , Harry doesn 't like to be wet and Rita is afraid of storms . The breathing of my loved ones - has it changed ? Is attention required ? The sound of the silent house late at night . Music has always been my high . When I was still a teen it was the layers of sound in one particular oratorio which led me to join a baroque music club in order to obtain a copy which I could not find elsewhere . Later it was jazz and of course the blues which always brought me out of my own blues . In my early 20s it was a reintroduction to the blues which evoked a forgotten and much - needed smile and led me back to the sounds I needed to feel . . In the last stage of Stephen 's illness , I had music playing for him instead of the news which so distressed him . Since he wouldn 't tell me what he wanted to hear and did not seem to enjoy his favorite types , I set the station to music which felt right , which calmed him but kept him in contact . There were the sounds of life whenever I went into or passed near his room . When the home health aide came we switched to the blues because that made her smile too as she bathed and exercised him while enduring his crankiness . Now that he is gone , I have not been able to listen to music ; he is not there for sharing . The sounds of his breathing slowed and stopped and he left . Mongo purrs it will be okay as he leans his head against my arm but his tail occasionally swishes in a way that says , IShareLink auntiemomIn college I used to love exercising in our myriad of required phys ed classes . I could jog around the gym for hours if required . At night - I know that isn 't the best time but it worked for me - I would do situps , whatever , every night . Once married , the routine continued , supplemented by additional exercise which gradually cut into workout time . When I was pregnant with our firstborn , lying on the floor meant the dog and cat would be right there , often on top of me , sharing that time . Cat hair in mouth , exercise became less alluring . And so by the time our daughter had arrived , my exercise regimen was a thing of the past . Years later I became one of those people who buys exercise equipment with such exciting visions , such good intentions . . . and ultimately the hope that just having the ab roller or whatever in the house will earn exercise credits for me . Just as I used to buy cookbooks with great photos . The problem is that this thought process carries itself over into relationships too . We used to debate / argue ad nauseum about the problems in our relationship . We would write long notes to each other - notes we should have written and burned . Perhaps we would try to be nicer , more considerate . Things might even seem better for awhile . We would make an effort but really never got the the true heart and soul of our demons . We just weren 't able to take the issues past the ab roller in the closet . In retrospect I can see how I might have done things differently for us . If I had , perhaps our life together might have been quite different , perhaps we would have been happier . I can see how I should have done things differently . I just don 't know if I could have . auntiemomThe day unfolded slowly . The ritual taking of the PD medication ; although no interest in eating or drinking . Not typical but not unusual - more sleep needed . Time passed , still no interest , just quiet almost peaceful sleep . He seemed comfortable in that rest . I thought that sleep was the answer . I checked regularly , offered liquids when he seemed aware . Afternoon when just before his sponge bath , his quiet breathing became labored . Morphine eased his breathing but his color changed , faded before my eyes . I held him in my arms as he would stop and restart breathing ; we could hardly find a pulse . And then he was really gone . Time had stopped . I 'm trying to find all those moments he would have remembered so much better . Not the lows but the everyday , the shining minutes , hours and days . I 've been mourning his loss for months and months , all the while trying to find the ways to give him back the time he feared losing . His drummer had an irregular beat . Some days we felt successful but those days , that time , didn 't last . . Nothing lasts . Time is a commodity which we try to buy , trade , borrow but always lose . So we catch the memories and hold them close to make time repeat itself . The stories may alter with time but they will be there when we can open that window . No bargaining - just putting the recollections out there to float in time forever . auntiemomMany years ago my parents travelled throughout the country with their smallish dog , an intelligent , well - behaved beast who never have made any kind of mess in a motel room . Mop had the best of veterinary care and was religiously checked for fleas and ticks by my mother . But his hygiene was of no concern to North Carolina and dogs were not permitted in NC motels . This law simply meant that my parents would drive through North Carolina and not stop . They never spent a dime in that state because they were offended that their baby was banned . Were they still travelling , they could probably add another reason to boycott North Carolina should the marriage law pass . Although their reasons would differ , they would not condone contributing to the economy of a state that feels they need a law to provide a definition ; to use the state to provide another way to treat others with legalized bigotry ; to deprive children of civil unions medical care under the guise of states rights , and to couch religion in state law . At this point the vote is not in but they already oppose gay marriage so the projection is that this new restatement - rights depriving bill will pass ; that North Carolina will step back not one but two centuries . What a waste of time , money , human energy . This bill wasn 't necessary for people to make their feelings known . It is a political acting out in a time when we need to be joining hands . Current Mood : bitchy auntiemomThis morning 's email disclosed a Costco flyer advertising home delivery for a shiney industrial - looking stainless steel trash can with a sensor which automatically opens the can when you are only inches away . Have you ever shared a house with dogs or cats who like to rummage through the garbage looking for tasty morsels ? When we were first married , I had my childhood cat . A dignified lady who would never raid the trash . But we also had a puppy and a kitten who would work together into the night to get into the garbage container under the sink . It was adorable to watch Grover and Tira working in concert to find dessert and leave the rest all about the kitchen floor but it was awful to clean . Over the years we 've had many trash scavengers and no matter what type of lid , someone has always managed to beat the system . It may have taken considerable pushing , prodding and pawing , but in the morning , there was the trash all over the floor . The pets who had eaten the taboo ( chicken bones , onion skins , that forgotten stuff from the depths of the refrigerator ) often regurgitated it as well . Since my return I have put a couple of shallow but heavy boxes on top of the carfully bagged trash in the can - we don 't produce that much - and not wanting to risk toppling the boxes , the dogs have left the trash alone . And now here is Costco offering - at a very reasonable price - the perfect solution for them . A heavy lidded can which requires no opposable thumbs , no teeth , no snout - just your presence 4 " away to Open Sesame . auntiemomI wish I could say that our extended holiday trip went well . I would like to report that the car ran flawlessly and the front end problems on which we had spent many dollars had been totally identified and resolved . That leaving on time brought us to a perfect motel room while there was still daylight . And that Steve was on his best behavior , happy to spend precious time with his family members . Boy do I wish I could say that . It only took 45 minutes to get Steve into his clothes and out to the loaded car despite his protestations that he could not walk down the steps . So we were off to a fair start only 10 minutes off schedule . Somewhere across the innerbelt bridge I hit a pavement change and the front end shook like a jackhammer for 30 - 45 seconds . I should have placed the call to the mechanics at that point but I didn 't know if we had a pattern yet . Well past the airport we hit another odd paving something and more violent vibrations lasting even longer . Pulled off , called the guys at the shop , got back on the freeway heading the opposite direction to the shop where they looked carefully , found the problem which must be fixed another day . " Safe to drive ? " I asked . " Drive carefully , it won 't fall apart . " Although Steve wanted to return to our house , we were back on the road once again . Slowed down when I came to the first pavement situation and the vibrations only lasted a few seconds . Forgot exactly where the second spot was and spent a minute slowing the car to stop the shimmy . Surprisingly that was the last of the car issues as I learned that I must adjust my driving to suit the car and that our destination has much better paving than Cleveland . Kind of made me wonder why this would be and figured it is a political mix of who 's doing who . After stopping for gas and a quick dog walk , Steve began telling me that I must be lost , that we were driving in circles , that he couldn 't see the motel which was about 90 miles away . We should just turn around and go home . Central Ohio farm country is amazing in its simCurrent Mood : melancholy auntiemomYesterday was a good day . Although he needed a bit of help getting to the bathroom , on the way back he used his mantra , Head Up or Look Up and Move Forward or Walk Forward . When he feels it and lets his body respond . it calms him . Then he can shift his weight from side to side in order to both propel and balance his body in a gait which takes him safely past the stairway and to the office . His day was calm , pancakes for his breakfast , chilli for lunch followed by pudding , reviewing email and reading news online followed by TV watching and exercise on the mini bike . He knew I didn 't feel well and he was able to let me sleep past dinner time until his hunger impelled him to ask me if I preferred he try to open a can of something so that I could continue to sleep . I went downstairs to make dinner . In the evening he watched Pawn Stars which he always enjoys and Pickers for the first time . He really liked seeing people drive to small towns and old barns or garages looking for relics of the past . When he grew tired , I gave him his last pills so that he could go to sleep . A couple of hours later I heard him talking to the older dog who slept beside me as I sat responding to online corespondence . I went to his bedroom and held his hand . I told him that it was Rita and not Harry who was sleeping outside his doorway . He looked at me and asked if I saw the garage doors and how we had gotten back from leaving Cleveland . He asked why we had travelled south to Brunswick about 33 miles from here and ended up at a car dealership . He was afraid because he didn 't have his cell phone and he didn 't know how we had gotten so far away . The logistics were upsetting to him . I explained that he had been dreaming . That his body was here and the travelling had been in his mind ; I touched his head . He asked me to tell her where he was . I asked him whom he meant and he said my name . " Do you know who I am , " I asked . He gave the verbal equivalent of a shrug . This morning without medication he walked to the bathroom on his own . He was calmTags : These are my jottings . It is so much easier to type than it is to find the pen next to the keyboard and make a few notes which I will subsequently pitch . It is also easier to type around a cat than it is to write by hand . Mostly these are notes to my daughter . I asked her to write down her thoughts and observations and decided to return the favor . While I love to hear her voice on the phone , something about these journals has enhanced my recognition of her life . I am rejuvenated every time I read her blog because even when there is a plumbing problem she finds the humor as well as the horror . Her life so many hundreds of miles away takes on a keener reality . Here she gets to comment on my quieter stuff and her memory of those events and pets while I return the favor at ger blog . Tags |
The light is curious this afternoon , yet utterly beautiful . Sitting here on the sofa , snuggled up in my corner of the living room , I am opposite our beautiufl large window . The day started bright , but suddenly clouded up and rained hard . Now the rain has stopped , the skies are still grey , but the light is suddenly bright as though it was sunny . Grey isn 't really a good enough description for the colour of the sky just now . It is the kind of grey that Persephone Books are , flushing to a darker shade in places , just above the rooftops and between the trees . It is as though the patch of sky I can see is an artists palete , and here and there the dove - grey of Persephone Books has been mixed with a few drops of blue , the blue of the teapot which is keeping me company this afternoon . There are a few streaks of dirty white in the sky , a hint of clouds which aren 't laden with rain . It is dark enough to need some lights on in here , but by the outside light it still feels earlier in the day than the half - past six which it is . Earlier today , my sister and her fiance came to visit us , and I made pork and peanut noodles for lunch , followed by chocolate and hazelnut pancakes , enjoyed while we watched the Spanish Grand Prix . They went home a few hours ago , and since then , I have been in my corner with the Sunday papers , and all the things I need for tea . The jug for my milk is special to me as it was a wedding present - it is patterned with pink and blue hydrangeas , which were my wedding flowers . My cup and saucer are pink , patterned with a paler pink map of Paris , and decorated with deeper pink shoes . It is such bliss to sit and sip tea , read through papers , and make plans for the coming weeks . This Friday , I will be attending my Aunt 's funeral . There is not going to be a wake or gathering afterwards , so we - me and Carl , Mum and Dad , Becky and Roger - are going to have coffee together instead . I am lucky enough not to be working the weekend , and I am hoping we can go to Dedham , with a picnic , and go rowing on the river as we did last Posted by The last few days have been a real mixture of sunshine and showers , and I am pleased to be able to say that they have been of the weather variety ! Yesterday and today have followed the same pattern - glorious sunshine in the morning , followed by heavy rain at lunch time ; a brighter afternoon followed by yet more rain . This evening , on my way home from work , the sky was blue , and the sun was shining brightly , and yet it was pouring with rain . It really reminded me of Barbados , it is just the same when it rains there . In my quiet times , I have been reading , cooking , knitting on my socks , and chatting on the phone . Tomorrow I have to wait in for a nice plumber to come adn give me a new flue for our boiler , and then for our groceries to be delivered . I was hoping to enjoy experimenting with some recipes from Cupcake Heaven by Susannah Blake , but sadly our oven has stopped working at the moment . Instead , I am going to knit more on my socks , and perhaps make another little purse for emergency tea bags . Of course , there is a little hoovering to do , and also I plan on reading some of the most scrumptious book that arrived at the library for me this afternoon - the Cabbages and Roses Guide to Natural Housekeeping . It is the kind of book that is so utterly delicious , I can hardly bare to open it ! I also want to polish my writing desk some more . I have also been sitting at my writing desk , making a list of things to do on rainy days . It has been really good fun , and I think I will share some of them here . Top of my list is the right tool for the right job . So important , don 't you think ? And in this case , it has to be an umbrella that makes you smile every time you use it , a pretty raincoat , and a pair of whimsical wellies . Now I have my flowery raincoat , and my lilac polka dot brolly , but I have no wellies yet . I am keeping my eye out for the perfect pair . I think they will have flowers on them , but I would be happy with spotty dotties too ! Who could fail to smile , splashing through the puddles feeling they look a million dollarPosted by April seems to be a rainy month so far , in atmosphere as well as weather . Normally I quite enjoy a rainy day , as my previous posts will show , but last night , and today , the raindrops are not just outside , they are tears as well . I had a phone call last night to say that one of my Aunts had died that morning . She was in hospital , but not with anything life threatening , when a heart attack took her . I am sipping the hottest cup of tea I could make in the hope it will shift my headache , which seems to pound in time to the click - click of the computer keyboard . Tea is a good balm for sore spirits , it warms and revives . I did a little crafting last night , which I also find restorative . When I asked for a cup of tea after a meal at a noodle bar a month or so ago , they told me they only had jasmine tea . A friend mentioned that it is hard for her to find places that do decaffeinated tea , which she drinks because she is pregnant . It seems to me that it would be a good thing to have a little stash of tea bags in my handbag . But what to put them in - a little plastic bag ? A piece of kitchen roll ? Or a fabulous little felt purse , decorated with a felt tea cup , ric - rac and blanket stitch . No contest really ! I sat at my writing desk and toyed with a design on squared paper , then got out all my felts and embroidery threads , lengths of ric - rac and ribbon . It was so much fun to pick colours and sit and snip and stitch . I am thinking of making a few more tea - bags and perhaps offering them up here on my blog . . . . as well as tea cups and tea pots , I think they would look pretty with felt flowers , or maybe decorated initials . Tonight I am going to knit on my socks for a little while , on a part that is not too complicated , because the rhythm soothes my mind . More tea , a hot bath and to bed , I think . I can hear the pittering of rain again , tapping away on my window pane . It make me feel kind of cosy to be sitting inside - that cosy feeling is one of my favourite things about rainy days . They are just perfect for puttering about . . . . . I am workingPosted by Sunday was one of those days where it was brilliantly sunshiney one moment , then grey and overcast the next ; one moment it was warm , another it was raining . We still had an utterly scrumptious day though , because it was the day of the Christening of a lovely baby boy we know . The church is in a little village about a half hour drive from us , and then there was afternoon tea in the village hall afterwards . It was such a stylish day , full of vintage loveliness , from the silver cross pram that the little boy was brought to church in , to the vintage tea cups , bunting and embroidered tablecloths at the village hall . I think the lovely thing about Christenings is that everyone seems to dress up in beautiful bright colours and happy clothes ( I know it looks like I am wearing black in the picture , but it was a black cardigan over a white and purple flowery dress ! ) , to welcome the baby . One of the lovely things about this particular Christening was that the vicar had also Christened the baby 's mum , and also performed the wedding ceremony of her and her husband . Amazingly , that wedding was five years ago , and it is already eight months since mine . Where does the time go ? The wedding was at the same pretty church , and there was the same happy atmosphere of friends and family coming together to celebrate something wonderful . I do love weddings , but I think somehow Christenings are even more lovely . When we got home , we drank cups of tea out of my birthday cups - and - saucers , and reflected on the day . Today has been the most delicious of days . When I left our little flat this morning , to walk into town to meet my Mum , it was cool but the skies were bright . The pavements were dark with rain puddles , and the day had that bright scoured - fresh feeling . Bliss ! Mum and I had a wander about town , just meandering and drifting , which was lovely . She bought a bunch of rhubarb from the market , as it is much cheaper than in the shops . I bought some yesterday and am going to make a rhubarb crumble for tea tonight . We had lunch in a lovely little place ; downstairs they make sandwiches to order and sell jams and so on , whilst upstairs they serve lunch in a little tea room . Unusually , we both fancied coffee , so we each ordered a different kind ( Indian Mysore and Turkish Cream ) so we could try both . The sky darkened while we were sipping our coffee , and the little square window pains started to spot with rain , but happily by the time we had finished , so had the rain . I have been keeping my eye out for Lily of the Valley , but had not spotted any . Mum used to buy her Mum a plant every year , and I like to do the same . Mum spotted some on a stall in the Farmers Market , so we bought one for each other which was nice . Then she caught the bus back to Maldon , and I went to wait for the bus back home . As I got on the bus , the sky darkened once again , and rain came pelting down . Happily , as the bus drew up to my stop , it lightened , and just spat while I scurried home . Once I shut the front door , it came down full tilt again . In the dark rainy - afternoon light , our little flat seems extra cosy . I made a pot of tea , and sat down with the post - a lovely note and cd from Tash - thanks Tash , I can 't wait to listen to it , what a lovely idea - and then switched on the laptop . What do I find , but lovely comments from kindly blog friends ? I am so lucky . Then , I made a batch of peppermint creams , just because I felt like it , and sat down to watch ' I Capture The Castle ' . It gives me the same feeling that I had when I read ' The Lost Art of Keeping SecretPosted by This is my birthday present from my lovely husband . I first spotted it in the Oxfam shop six weeks , maybe two months ago , and fell in love with it right away . I took my Mum in to see it , and she agreed , it is lovely . I took Carl in , and whilst I was not directly asking if I could buy it , I was hoping that it might come up once he saw it . Alas , he agreed that it was very ' me ' and lovely , but that we really didn 't have room for it . Perhaps , he said , if we were to get rid of one of the bookcases . . . . . which of course , would never do ! Imagine my surprise when I was presented with it on my birthday ! Not only had he decided to buy it the moment he saw it , and kept his secret very well indeed , but he managed to get it back to our flat , and all wrapped up all on his own . There are two drawers underneath the pull - down - desk part . I am going to use one for my craft projects , and the other as a comfort drawer . Until then , it is holding Carl 's Easter chocolate . There is a tiny drawer that holds my Cath Kidston address book , and lots of little partitions to put letters and envelopes in . I can imagine myself sitting at it to write out Christmas cards , make lists , write letters , so much . I just had to share it with you , it is so lovely ! Talking of lovely things , I was walking to work yesterday , enjoying the fresh air and blue skies , when I suddenly realised that I am really ready for some of lovely Alison 's puttery treats . Our little flat is so neat and tidy at the moment , and some of her treats would be the very thing indeed . She must have known , because when I visited Brocante Home later that day , she had posted some new treats ! Go on , treat yourself too ! http : / / brocantehome . typepad . com / brocante _ home / 2008 / 04 / scrumptious - put . html Today , I am so sleepy , my eyes are tired , and I feel ravenous ; and it is all down to a knock at the door . Last night , I had just gone to bed with my book ( Tears of the Giraffe by Alexander McCall Smith ) and dear Carl was having his nightly potter as he switches things off , locks the door and so on , when the buzzers to the front door to our little set of flats starting sounding . Because we are on the ground floor , when someone buzzes any of the flats , we still hear it . It sounded like someone was buzzing every flat in turn , and I was just about to go and investigate when it stopped . Suddenly , our doorbell started to ring , dingdongdingdongdingdong . Carl answered it , as I was still tucked up warm , and I heard such a commotion . It was the sound of a man , shouting , panting , running . He burst into our flat , and told Carl that there were men outside trying to ' beat him up ' . I got up and put my dressing gown on , but Carl made me stay in the bedroom . He came to tell me what was going on and to give me a hug . There was a car full of men revving up their engine in our car park , apparently waiting for this man , who had ran away on the rail tracks that run to the back of our flat , climbed over the fence and ran to the first door he could find . Carl told him to phone the police , but he would not . He phoned his girlfriend , who he thought had set these men upon him . He phoned his brother , and his father . None of them wanted to help him . He phoned his mother , who sent his father to collect him in his car . I was so glad when he went away . It was nearly midnight by the time we got to be after this happening , and we lay there , very close to each other , shaken by what had happened . We may live very sheltered lives , but we just don 't live in a world where people go round ' beating each other up ' . I really felt like this man had brought danger into our little flat . This is our home ; there is peppermint and nutmeg spray for the pillows ; a phone pad with a border of pretty primulas ; lavender scented handcream ; tiny cake forks to rest on youPosted by Aren 't these darling ? My lovely Mum sewed them for us last year . For our wedding , I wanted to have fabric hearts hanging from the backs of all the chairs for decoration , and also for our guests to take home afterwards . You can buy them of course , but they often cost around £ 5 each in the shops , and besides , they were more personal this way . For Carl and I , she used silk , instead of the floral prints everyone else had , and she embroidered our names on them . Mum also sewed yards and yards of bunting to hang in our reception room ; some of the fabric she used she saved from when she used to make my clothes as a baby . Above our bed is a cupboard with three doors ; from the centre door hangs a wooden heart which is painted with our names and wedding date , which my mother - in - law gave me . It feels good to go to sleep surrounded by love . One of my favourite blogs to visit is http : / / www . rosylittlethings . typepad . com / and a while ago , Alicia posted about a pattern for paper doll softies that she had produced for a book , Softies by Therese Laskey . When I was at the cross - stitch show in London last week , I kept my eye out for pretty felt and rick rack so I could make some this week in my time off work . It was lovely having my writing desk to work on ; there is just no room in our dear little flat for a big sit - at table , and normally I use a tray on my lap or sit at the coffee table . These little dolls are quick and easy to make , and I had such fun choosing the colours and trimmings for them . I think I will make some more , and put some dried lavender in with the stuffing that goes in their skirts , add a loop of ribbon on the back , and I can hang some in my wardrobe . Please do not run away in horror if I also say that it has crossed my mind that they might make lovely little Christmas gifts . I would not mention the C - word now if wasn 't for Nigella - I visited her website yesterday , and read that she is writing a Christmas book ! Which got me to thinking about hand made little gifts . . . . Although these little dresses are easy to make , you can get very absorbed in beading and so on , and before I knew it , I had watched three episodes of ' Emma ' ! Due to this wretched cold , I have absolutely no sense of taste or smell at the moment , but Carl tells me that the tomato soup I made yesterday is nice , so I will share the recipe with you . I like to try and cook seasonally , and I know that tomatoes really are not in season at the moment , but I had this for lunch when I visited a dear Aunt a while ago , and it was so warming and savoury , it was just what I fancied eating . She was kind enough to give me her recipe , and here it is , for you . Aunty Dottie 's Tomato Soup1 lb tomatoes , quartered1 medium sized potato , diced1 small onion , chopped1 rasher streaky bacon1 / 4 pint water1 / 4 pint milk1 / 2 oz butterpinch sugar1 / 2 tsp paprika1 / 4 tsp celery salt1 ) Tie on your prettiest apron andPosted by Well good morning everyone ! I am curled up on the sofa this morning with all the windows open so I have a beautiful breeze drifting through the flat , and have my favourite flowery mug at my side . This morning , however , it is not filled with tea but lemsip , for I have a blocked up nose and a groggy head this morning . I am quite cheery though , and most of that is down to all the lovely comments you have so kindly left since last night ! I was so worried that I had been away too long and there would be nobody here any more ! In answer to some questions , my birthday was on Sunday , and an Oxfam shop is a thrift shop , and the money they make goes to help third world countries . I have been rather busy this week , so today I am planning on puttering about and enjoying some home time while nursing my cold . I have ' Emma ' on dvd to watch - the bbc version from the seventies - and am going to have a long hot bath with some of my birthday bath goodies later . I am also going to be visiting one of the most scrumptious places on the internet - http : / / www . inspirecompany . com / inspiredideas . htmlAmy used to do this magazine a few years ago , and I loved it . She has little projects , craft ideas , recipes and general snippets of loveliness . Do go visit , and before you know it you will be rummaging out your scissors and glue ! Another rambly little thought that came into my mind , was a post that the lovely made : http : / / brocantehome . typepad . com / brocante _ home / 2008 / 03 / a - marriage . html I read it a little while before I did my seasonal scrub , and it was lovely , so delicious , to be given permission to feel a little out of sorts with the place that usually I love to call home . I had the same not - quite - ennui - but - something - like - it feeling . Just acknowledging that this was how I was feeling was enough for me to start planning my declutter and seasonal scrub , and now I am in love as ever I was with our little flat again . So thanks Alison sweetie ! I am going to try out a new recipe for tomato soup for lunch today , so soon that will be bubbling away on my stove . Posted by I was sitting on the train today , on my way to visit my lovely friend Angela who gave birth to a baby boy a few weeks ago , when it suddenly came to me that I am grown up now . I have these little moments . Before this , it was having a telephone of my own . Today though , I realised that yesterday I had had a friend and her baby to lunch , and today I am visiting a friend and her baby . My friends are having babies ! I have a darling little flat to have them to tea in ! I can go on the train on my own to visit them ! The train journey is only ten minutes or so , so I barely had time to think about this before I had arrived . I had such a lovely visit , lots of baby cuddles and catching up . It occurred to me that when you are a parent , you never get a hot cup of tea ! Every time I made us a drink , baby Ben decided he wanted to eat , or a clean nappy , or just a cuddle ! Perhaps the thing to buy new parents would be those insulated coffee mugs , so they stand some chance of having a hot cup of tea ! When I got home , I had an eBay parcel - the Dec 1998 issue of Martha Stewart Living Magazine . I settled down with a cup of tea and decided to take advantage of the quiet time to catch up with my blog . Carl has come home now , and I will make us some dinner in a moment . It has been so good to catch up here . Outside , the light is somewhere between dusk and twilight . I like this peaceful time of day . Oh , while I remember , I have just finished reading The Sinner by Tess Gerritsen . I really like her work , it reminds me a bit of Patricia Cornwell when she was on form . If you would like my copy ( trying to keep clutter free ! ) I will post it to the first person to comment that they would like it . I hope you are all having a lovely week . I was shelving some books at work last week , when I had a sudden thunder - bolt of a thought . In my week off , I could have my lovely friend Anna to lunch . I telephoned an invitation , and started to plan what I could make . She came yesterday , and we had a lovely day . She has a gorgeous little boy , Aaron , who is all gummy dribbly smiles and gorgeousness . He played on his activity mat whilst we drank coffee and caught up . We ended up swapping Christmas presents ( it has been too long since we got catch up last ) and she also gave me some of my favourite Liptons Yellow Label Tea which you can only get abroad , and a wonderful birthday present . Anna is one of those people who gives gifts that make you feel like she really gets you . She wraps things in tissue paper of varying shades of pink , and makes you feel so spoiled . There was Cherries in the Snow nail polish , a simply marvellous book called ' Mother Tells You How ' based on a strip from Girl Magazine from the fifties ( do check it out on amazon ! ) and another book , on style , by Christian Dior . Not only this , but Christmas gifts too ! Cath Kidston bubble bath , bath confetti , and some eye make up in fabulous blue vintage - style tins with ' taste the glamour ' written on them . For lunch , we had salmon nicosie salad ( nice and healthy ) followed by hazelnut and walnut chocolate pots ( not so healthy , but so rich and delicious ! ) which I made in tiny tea cups . All this was washed down with lots of chatter , and the time seemed to fly past far too quickly . Poor Aaron was teething and so a bit grizzly , but really such a lovely little boy you can forgive him some crying . I hope very much that children are in my future , and if I am lucky enough for this to happen , I hope I can be like Anna is as a Mum . After they went home , I took a gentle wander to the shops nearby , and chose some flower buttons to make a birthday card with , and treated myself to a paper on the way home . I love to try and spot the April Fool stories ! Days spent like this , in good company with endless cups of tea and coffee arPosted by I was looking for some shoes to go with the dress I am wearing to a Christening soon . . . . . and in Peacocks I came across some lovely vintage - style clothes . I could happily have bought everything I saw , but my wardrobe does not have a space , neither my purse enough pennies , so I contented myself with one perfect item . It is a cropped white cardigan , with black polka dots and black buttons on it . It is quite low cut , so I will be wearing it with a black vest top and black pencil skirt , and some black high - heeled peep toe shoes . I am almost looking forward to going back to work so I get a chance to wear my new outfit ! I was shopping for a dress to wear to a Christening , when a lady from a makeup counter seized me for a makeover . I am never adverse to dabbling with makeup , so I happily sat down . It came up in conversation that I had a birthday coming up . She said ' let me guess . . . . are you 31 ? ' I said ' no , 26 ' . She said ' so you will be 27 ? ' and I said ' no . . . . I am 25 now , I will be 26 ! ' The funniest thing is that on that very morning , I had used my anti - ageing facewash and day cream for the first time ! Not a good sign ! Apart from apparently looking six years older than I am , my birthday was the most delicious day , and I really wish you could all have had a slice of my birthday cake ( decorated by Carl ) with me . I spent the day being spoiled rather more than is good for me , and having lunch with my family . Somehow out of two dozen vanilla cupcakes made by my sister , there were only 8 left ! If you could have a peek at my presents , you would know they were for me ! I had a beautiful cup - and - saucer set with pictures of shoes on them , as well as fancy tea bags and special biscuits . My Mum made me handbag with cupcakes on it , and bought me a pair of white embroidered vintage - style pillowcases . There was bubble bath , more tea things , and a lot of glitter and sparkles ! Everyone was so lovely to me , I felt quite teary once or twice . I had some beautiful cards , including some home - made ones which are always extra special to me , being a crafter . I am being taken to Bruges in May . Bruges is one of my favourite places in the world , and I am looking forward to buying some handmade lace and eating mussels and taking a boatride on the canals . Carl really surprised me with his gift . He banned me from going into the kitchen when I got home from work on Saturday , and I must confess , I ( rightly ! ) suspected a birthday cake was afoot . What I didn 't know was that the kitchen was also hiding my gift - a vintage writing desk ! I had seen it in the Oxfam shop a month or so ago , and fallen in love with it . It needs a lot of love , cleaning and polishing to make it sPosted by I am sure I must have mentioned that at last , at last I have a real proper telephone . Even more exciting than having a proper telephone number to give out , rather than just my mobile , is the telephone itself . Isn 't it darling ? It has a gorgeous tinkly ring too , and it is so lovely being able to chat properly at last ! Just had to share it with you ! Every other year , I have to work Easter Saturday . This year , happily , is one of the years where I do not have to work , so dear Carl and I had the bliss of a four day weekend ! The first half of the weekend was given over to a Seasonal Scrub ; we threw out lots of clutter , cleaned and polished , and our little flat is scrumptiously spick and span . Having got everything in order , I decided to indulge in some puttery treats . My favourite thing was decorating my windowsill for Easter . I hung some decorated eggs from the curtain pole , and in the centre , a little fluffy chick in a hot air - balloon egg . A big bunch of daffodils in the very middle of the windowsill , and then a basket of decorated eggs , a velvet bunny from paperchase , and a little chick too . I love decorating my window for different occasions . The daffodils in the picture have died , and I now have a big bunch of pale lemony - cream daffodils there instead . I love daffodils very much , and although I think of the acidy - yellow variety as ' real ' daffodils , I adore the many variations there are . The second half of our weekend was given over to conviviality ; Easter Sunday was a snow - flecked scrumptious day spent with my family and then Carl 's . Dear , dear Carl announced that he was going into the kitchen for some time and was not to be disturbed the evening before ; and I could not help telling everyone what he had been up to . He had made me an Easter egg ! He blew up a balloon , covered it with clingfilm , and then painted it with layers of melted dark chocolate . Then when it set , he took out the balloon , filled it with chocolate raisins , and put it on a chocolate covered plate . Such thoughtfulness and creativity brought tears to my eyes ! On Easter Monday , we had an ' at home ' day . The week before we let our families know that we would be at home all day with cake and tea , and they were welcome to join us at any time . This is the first time we have entertained like this , and we will definitely be doing it again ! It was fun and relaxing . I made all the cakes - macaroons , sconPosted by Hello ! I feel almost nervous as I type this in case there is nobody here anymore , that you have grown tired of waiting for me ! If you were here with me now , I would pour you a cup of tea from my new blue teapot , and offer you a slice of home - made lemon cake so we could catch up . The first couple of weeks I did not post , I was just so busy . I would form posts in my mind as I scurried from work to post office to shop to home , and then be too tired in the evening to do anything about them . Then there was a week or so when dear Carl was using the laptop , so no blogging for me ! Then this last week has zoomed by . I have had a Seasonal Scrub whilst I have been away , and am now in the middle of a week off of work . While I was travelling home from Colchester after a work visit , it struck me quite suddenly that I really needed some time off of work . Although getting married was wonderful , I used up nearly all my leave , so the last time I had some real time off was August . I did not intend to have a break from blogging as well , but it came about spontaneously , so perhaps I needed it ? Anyway , the pause has been refreshing . I feel much happier for a few days off of work . I have been visiting , and been visited , pottered about , cooked and read . Oh , and had many cups of tea ! I will post about these in a bit . . . I have been making blog resolutions too , and am all fired up to post more often , and with recipes and so on . I have photos to share with you , and little stories to tell , pictures to paint in words , and so much to share ! I feel this is a rather one - sided conversation . If I had you here with me , I could ask how you are , where you got that marvellous cardigan you are wearing , if you would like another biscuit with your tea . . . but as distance prevents this , I shall keep up my end of the conversation here , and promise you that if we ever do get to have tea together , I really shall let you get a word in edge - wise ! I live with my husband and a great many books . Until recently , I earnt my living working in various libraries , but for the next year I am sweeping through corridors in a swirl of emerald silk as I go from meeting to meeting taking notes , enjoying my first foray into being a PA . After I have stepped out of my Mad - Men day job , I can be found sipping tea , crocheting , knitting , reading or cooking . . . sometime more than one of those things at a time ! I love red lipstick and violet creams , my burlesque class and Dorothy Whipple novels . |
Dylan today : " Mom , are you weared out or stressed out ? " Yikes . She 's been asking me if I 'm " weared / worn out " a lot lately - really - do I look that tired and frustrated ? I have been pretty tired lately . I can 't get myself to go to bed before 11 : 30 - and when Noah wakes up at 5 : 30 - 6am each day , that 's not enough sleep for me . But geesh , I hate that my daughter is watching every eye roll and listening to every sigh . I 'm not that unhappy . . . I just may be coming across that way . I am grateful for a child reality check . It 's hard to not act frustrated / worn out / stressed out when I feel that way . But maybe that 's the problem . Besides extra sleep , I think I just need to chill out on most things . I don 't need to FREAK OUT if I mess up a recipe . I don 't need to FREAK OUT if they want to get another cup for water when they already have one . I don 't need to FREAK OUT when someone spills the big tub of markers all over the floor . Ok , so that will be hard , but it is necessary . I need to practice my deep breathing and start smiling more and stressing less . Life 's too short to stress about markers . I am grateful for kid interpretations . It 's always fun to talk about what daddy does at work all day . Or in my case , what I teach my Bradley Method students . This afternoon , Dylan just started telling me what I would teach my childbirth students tonight . Here is her list of things of teaching points : 1 . The first thing you need to do is push the baby out . 2 . The second thing is when your water breaks , you have to go to the apartment building to have your baby come out ( where did she learn about water breaking ? ! ? ! ) 3 . The third thing is wash your hands every time before you touch the baby . 4 . When you don 't have a baby , then you lay around and watch TV all day ( so that 's what you all do who don 't have kids ! ) . 5 . Take care of your baby lots and lots . 6 . And the sixth thing for your baby is you have to milk them . Childbirth and newborn parenting in a nutshell . Wednesday , October 29 , 2009 . Jason has a lot on his plate right now . I hate to see him this busy and stressed because there isn 't a lot that I can do to help . Make dinner for him , do his laundry . . . things that I already do . But I can 't make his job easier or do his grad school research paper or reading for him . I am grateful for Jason 's hard work . I know that I get selfish sometimes , because I 'm not seeing what 's going on at work and school for him . I only see what is happening with us at home , so I get impatient when he can 't come home and relieve me from overwhelming days at home . I don 't want his weekends to be filled with work , I want them for family time . And I don 't want his evenings to be chocked full of grading papers , planning and reading for school . I want his time ! I guess I miss the summer - when every weeknight we just sat together and watched shows , caught up on life and enjoyed each other 's company . The school year ( with grad school especially ) is not like that . And I shouldn 't expect it to be . THIS is life . We have to have money to live , so we must earn it somehow , and I 'm so grateful he does that for us . Thank you , Jason , for doing this amazingly hard and stressful work for us , your loving family . You make it possible for me to stay home and raise our children right now . We do want you home more , and we do get sad when you can 't be as available as we want you to be . But , we will try and be more understanding . You have so much on your plate , and I don 't want home to be another place you get stress . It should be your refuge , the place you look forward to no pressures . I am going to try and work harder to make that happen . Tuesday , October 27 , 2009 . We went to the Garfield Park Conservatory today with good friends Christy , Caroline and Case . We spent a lot of time indoors enjoying the humid plant weather , but did venture outside for about 40 minutes of running around . I am grateful for unstructured outdoor play . It was amazing - the scenery was bleak - a huge circle path with brown grass , a patch of just planted trees , and that 's about it . But the kids made their own fun . They just spontaneously started this whole elaborate story line - something about teachers and school and trees . They were running around together hand in hand all over the big grassy field and having a blast . It was cold , and I had under - dressed them ( no sun as promised on weather . com ) , but they didn 't even notice cause they were having so much fun . Christy and I were the ones who made everyone go in - we were freezing cause we weren 't imagining ( and running ) . For this exactly , I want a big backyard . I want space for my kids to run around free and make up stories and feel uninhibited . I don 't want to be the director of playtime all the time - I want them to be inspired by nature . I guess this happened today even without us having a big backyard - we just have to make more opportunities for going to these kind of places - where they can be free and RUN . There aren 't a lot of places set up for kids in the city that are this open and free . Monday , October 26 , 2009 . Today started like any other Monday morning . Dylan had preschool and Jason had the car , so we were walking . I carried the stroller outside and the kids climbed in . We went along our way . . . Three blocks later a lady stops me ( who is coming from the other direction ) on the side of the road . She is calling out her rolled down window and I have to stop the stroller and move closer to hear what she is saying - she was saying something over and over again , so I knew it must be important . I got about 4 feet from the car when I began to hear her . This is her : " I saw you come out of your building , and I saw that you didn 't buckle your children in the stroller . I really think you should be buckling them in . It 's not safe . . . " And I stopped listening . Not only did I stop listening but you better believe I started talking ( as she continued to explain herself ) . This is me : " Are you KIDDING me that you are telling me this right now ? Are you their mother ? Wow . " A big sarcastic thank you , a huge roll of the eyes and in disbelief I went back to my stroller muttering about her nerve . Was she stalking me and following me as I walked the three blocks from home ? Dylan and Noah didn 't understand what had happened and why I was upset . They kept saying , " What did that woman say to you mommy ? Why are you mad ? She wasn 't very nice to you , was she mommy ? " They could tell I was on fire inside . I mean COME ON . Criticize my cooking . Tell me I 'm fat . But DON ' T tell me I 'm not a good mother . I couldn 't stop muttering , " I cannot believe her ! " and Dylan was obsessed with the whole situation . I finally wanted to just stop thinking about it , but Dylan wouldn 't let up . I told her , " Dylan , I just want to forget about it . She wasn 't nice and it 's making me angry to think about it . " Well , my ever - sensitive daughter said , " Mommy , can I just tell you ONE thing ? " " Sure , " I said . " One part of what she said was nice , " Dylan responded . " What was that ? " I asked . " The part where she doesn 't want us to get hurt or fall out , so she thought we should Posted by Sunday , October 25 , 2009 . I am grateful to pay it forward ( someday ) . A wonderful older couple in our church took us out for Indian food today after church . We have been the beneficiaries of this relationship before , and it feels so incredible to have someone do that for you . You , the young couple without a lot of extra money to spend on the Indian buffet every Sunday . I want to remember these acts of financial kindness that others give to me . Because I want to be that person someday too . When Jason and I have the money to take a young family out to dinner , I hope we do it . The young couple will really appreciate it , for the company , for the care it showed , and for their bellies full of Chicken Tikka Masala . Yum . Saturday , October 24 , 2009 . I am grateful for Karen . Karen is my mother - in - law and it was her birthday today . She spent some time at the Morton Arboretum with us for Trick or Trees and we helped her celebrate with date bars , some gardening presents Noah helped me pick out , and a smiley face balloon that Dylan picked out . Thanks , Karen , for loving me like one of your own , opening your arms to me ( even when you met me for the first time and I had an eyebrow ring , if you were questioning , you didn 't show it ! ) and for accepting me completely . You are an incredible grandmother to my two precious babes and they adore you . You get on the floor and play elaborate made - up stories with them and the fisher - price people and last much longer than I claim to . You make them large bowls of ice cream which they adore ( and I try to ignore ! : ) ) You buy them special books and extra underwear to have at your house since I always forget an extra pair . You are a wonderful person and a fabulous grandma . Thanks for being you ! Friday , October 23 , 2009 . Book club was tonight . What a fantastic group of women I have the privilege of calling my friends . I am grateful for book club . I didn 't do well in my last book club . In that one , I felt like I wasn 't smart enough to be a part of it , which really made me feel angry . I didn 't work for NPR , I wasn 't an urban planner , and I didn 't live in the west loop in a loft . So , I wasn 't very cool I guess . Oh yeah - and the first book club , it was decided that there would be no alcohol served during book clubs . I should have walked out the door then and there . . . not because I have to have a glass of wine to talk about books . . . but they didn 't want the discussion " impaired " in any way . Yikes . But THIS book club ? This mom 's book club ? This is ABOUT the wine . It 's about the good conversation , the relationships , and the literature . And oh yeah , we all love to read the books and love to discuss them , but if we don 't discuss them , we live . And if you don 't even read it . . . you 're still welcome . That 's the kind of book club I like . Being gone at a birth yesterday all day , I didn 't think about my kids much . I was focused on my job - to protect the space of the laboring couple - to be their right hand woman . It was an amazing experience that I will never forget . But when that baby came out and I remembered that moment in my own past , I wanted to hold my precious babes right then and there . I wanted to look into their eyes , pray for them , bless them , and revel in them . I am grateful for my two births . Today I replayed the birth from yesterday many times again in my head . They had given birth in the same tub as I had birthed Dylan . It was a really cool experience being back in that room again . Dylan 's birth was so fast and so perfect . The journey to motherhood seemed to catch me by surprise . I was two weeks early , and the midwife barely got there - I remember them sending in an OB to stand watch until she arrived , and later we found out that the midwife had gotten pulled over by the cops on the way to the hospital cause she was trying hard to be there in time ( no , they did not give her a ticket ) . She made it , and we only were at the hospital about 45 minutes before she was born , underwater , in the middle of the night , in the wee hours of Monday morning . Noah 's birth was also in the middle of the night , also in the wee hours of a Monday morning . It was also perfect in it 's own way . We were only at the hospital for 30 minutes this time before he was out . The tub was being filled , but I never made it in before he was born . His labor was also fast , and even more furious , but the midwife was there ahead of us - my chart had a " fast labors " tag on it , so they had learned their lesson from the first time . Noah 's birth had such a horrible aftermath , finding out about his bladder exstrophy , and not knowing how to cope , what to think , or who to turn to . It was a whirlwind of desperation , and those first few hours after his birth are the most surreal and confusing I 've spent on earth . But looking back now , it was exactly as it should have been . Both births wePosted by I am grateful for birth . Being a doula is the best job in the world - how can you top being there for a couple in the most intimate and wonderful day of their lives ? It is an incredible blessing to watch a baby being born into this world . It is hopeful , miraculous and an amazing privilege . I feel honored to have witnessed this little girl born into water this evening . She is perfect . Birth is amazing , no matter the details of the journey . Now if I could just fix the spontaneity . I 'm just not spontaneous . . . I 'm realizing that as I approach 30 . I like to plan WAY too much for this profession . . . Tuesday , October 20 , 2009 . Dentist ! It 's been almost a year since I 've been to the dentist . At some point in my young life , I wanted to be one . What was I thinking ? The dentist is quite possibly my least favorite place to go . I cringe just thinking about the cold air and water they spray on my sensitive teeth and how that buzzing machine makes my skin crawl . YUCK . I hate the dentist ( not the man , just the experience ) . I am grateful for no cavities ! I have not been blessed with good teeth , so I never go to the dentist without having to return for some follow - up work . This time was different - " Come back in 6 months " was music to my ears ! ! Monday , October 19 , 2009 . It 's going to be a cold , wet week . . . not so much October - weather . That stinks for me , because I love love love fall . I love 50s and 60s more than any kind of weather . I love jeans and sweaters , not winter coats ! I love fall colors , not rain clouds . I love pajamas , but don 't want to throw on the afghan quite yet . I love pumpkin everything , and am not prepared for christmas cookies yet . But even though it 's cold and yucky , I still have something to be grateful for . I am grateful for heat . I often complain about our heating system - we have radiator heat and we control the heat for our whole condo building . That may seem like a wonderful privilege , but it ends up being a curse , because our unit is the hottest in the building ( for an unknown reason ) . So , we have to crank up the temperature so everyone else is warm ! The kids run around the house naked all winter cause it 's pretty hot for clothes . So , it could be a downside , but when I come into our home from being outside on a cold , windy , rainy day , that moist radiating heat surrounds me and I am so very grateful . I was at my mom and dad 's church ( formerly MY home church ) in Champaign - Urbana today and was treated to a wonderful worship service . I am grateful for The Parables . The Parables were the worship team from Goshen College , where I also went to school . And realizing that these college students were 10 years younger than me was pretty eye - opening . But , it was more than that of course . The worship experience they provided was even more unbelievable than how far I am from college - age . There were several times when I found myself tearing up at their testimonies and even more so , their music . When they broke out with " O Happy Day " ( fond memories of Sister Act ) , I about lost it . There is no way you can listen to that song , sung like that , and not believe whole - heartedly in the love and forgiveness of sins in Christ . My Spirit is full . Saturday , October 17 , 2009 . My best friend from high school got married last week - and her reception in Champaign was last night . It was incredible to see her in a beautiful wedding dress , so happy with this new man beside her . . . whom I 'd never met ! That was weird , let me tell you - I now know what she must have felt like when she came to meet Jason at my wedding - it 's weird to see someone who is so a part of your life - close and intimate with someone you don 't know at all . I am grateful for roots . Monique and I had a really special relationship in high school . We were inseparable . I had a guy ( whom I had liked during high school ) tell me after graduation that he never asked me out because I was just always around Monique all the time - that we were too close . . . a bond that couldn 't have been broken by stupid high school guys I guess . I realized again just how special this friendship was this morning , when my kids and I went to a brunch at Monique 's family 's house . We wanted to get to know her new husband better , and to just celebrate with the whole family . What a blessing it was to be there . Monique 's family is Mormon , and I have never been or ever will be Mormon . But , I am accepted into their home like one of their children . When someone showed up at the brunch , they actually asked if I was one of " the sisters " ( Monique has four sisters ) . Both of Monique 's parents did not hesitate and said confidently , " YES ! " It meant so much for them to say that about me , 11 years after Monique and I graduated from high school and really 11 years after I was in their home regularly . I knew the impact their family had on my life , but I hadn 't thought about the depth of those roots . . . with this family that wasn 't even my biological family . They had given me so much during those four years of potential high - school angst . I hadn 't thought about that time for awhile , and the emotional impact it had on me . These roots in love and acceptance from Monique and her whole family , along with obvious roots from my own biological family have hePosted by Friday , October 16 , 2009 . I am grateful for humble pie . Isn 't it yummy ? I take Noah to a soccer class each friday morning while Dylan is at preschool . He absolutely loves it and looks forward to it all week . He runs like crazy , kicks balls around and enjoys being part of the group , listening to the coach . As you will sometimes have in these little tot classes , there is one child who has a really hard time staying on task . . . okay , that 's a major understatement . He does exactly the opposite of what the coach wants him to do - for the entire hour . Now , I have had that child before - namely Noah in gymnastics ! He never wanted to do what was the proper group activity at the time , and it was hard for me . I just wanted to encourage him to be a part of the pack and listen and follow directions . But it was hard ! ! So , fast forward to soccer when he is totally the kid who is at coach 's heels all the way through class . When coach says sit on your spot , he is the first one with his bum on the floor . When coach says run to the other side , he waits for " go ! " When coach says wait your turn to kick the ball , he patiently waits . But not Christopher . Christopher is " that kid " that every parent doesn 't want to have in a class situation like this . And I was trying to be empathetic for the grown - up ( which I think is his grandma ) . . . but it was hard for me to do because of one thing . She was making empty threat after empty threat , and never did he see the consequences of his actions ! See , I just have a really hard time with that one . I am NOT a perfect parent , and never will be . I make many many mistakes , admittedly , every hour of every day . But , my parenting pet peeve is empty threats . I have witnessed how empty threats lead to such disrespect for adults , and I just can 't stomach them . ( If you ever see me give my child an empty threat - kick me in the face . ) So , I was having a really hard time with this situation - watching the kid misbehave and disrupt the class ( which is small - only like 4 or 5 little kids ) and watching the grandma shout Posted by Thursday , October 15 , 2009 . Dinner was made by 1 : 00 . I am grateful for crockpots . Crockpots are genius . And I want to thank the Crockpot Lady , Stephanie O ' Dea for making a really cool blog that got me super - inspired to break out my crock pot and cook some amazing meals . She did a blog in 2008 where she used her crockpot EVERY day for the whole year . Sometimes it was delicious , sometimes it tanked , but she was always honest about the verdict , and shared a side of humor with every dish . I recommend you check it out . So , today I did not make one of her recipes . I found a yummy spicy sausage soup online that I modified to what I had and it was STELLAR . Here is that recipe . I used precooked brown rice ( 3c . ) instead of instant , left out the pepper , used mild breakfast sausage instead of spicy , upped the chili powder , used double the tomatoes ( and no green chiles in them ) , and cooked it on HIGH for 4 hours , then low 1 hour . So , it was different from this . BUT , it still turned out great ! DELICIOUS ! I loved it , it was hearty , and pretty healthy ( minus all the red meat of course ) . That 's why I love crockpots - they are really forgiving . You don 't have to be exact - and things are still delicious , most of the time . Craft projects are fun , especially if they involve nature . On the walk home from preschool today we stopped to climb a favorite tree and we noticed it 's beautiful PINK ( like HOT pink , yes ! ) leaves . It was gorgeous ! So , we decided to collect some leaves to take home and do a project with . I am grateful for crafts . Dylan and Noah put the leaves on wax paper in their own designs while I shaved crayons with a fine grater . Then they sprinkled grated crayon over the paper however they liked . Lastly , we put another sheet of wax paper on top and I ironed the whole thing . Instant beauty ! I wanted to hang them in our windows - they would be gorgeous there - but the kids want to give them to Grandma and Grandpa Cindy and Clark since we are eagerly anticipating a visit to Champaign this weekend . Guess we 'll have to make some more to decorate our windows ! Tuesday , October 13 , 2009 . I am grateful for the simple , yet amazing , discovery of new things . I spend at least part of every day cracking up at the creative things that come out of their mouths . Seriously - it 's funny stuff . Today I took a shower and Noah was playing in the bathroom while I was washing up . I opened the curtain and was grabbing for my towel , when Noah made a sour face and pointed to my " hair down there " and said " What is that yucky stuff ? " Wait . . . did I just write that ? Yes , I did . It was too funny not to document . I guess he never took a close look before . It 's so amazing to watch these little people discover new things . . . even things as simple as pubic hair . Toy Story in 3D , in honor of it 's 10th anniversary . Really ? 3D ? I like 3D movies when it 's a special treat - an IMAX maybe - or some show at Disneyworld where water gets sprayed on you when you think a bug is peeing on you or something . But not regular old movies that were good before 3D glasses entered the picture . 3D glasses are not fun to wear - even though they are plastic now instead of paper . But when you are 2 , the glasses don 't stay on your face . We did take the kids to this 3D adventure this afternoon , and I can 't say I recommend it . It was their first theater - going experience , and Jason and I were pumped - we LOVE movies , so we 've been waiting for this day for awhile now . But I have to admit , I think we should have waited longer . I am grateful for innocence . Note to self : don 't kill the innocence with cartoons of all things . I had looked at commonsensemedia . org and thoroughly scanned what about Toy Story was violent , scary or inappropriate . It gave it great reviews as far as that went and they considered it a " green light . " And , I knew I liked the movie , remembering it from when I watched it 10 years ago . But I was 19 - and at 19 , I already knew that people said words like " stupid " and " shut - up " and " idiot " and " kill . " And I knew that the toys in the movie were just toys , so when they talked mean to each other , they were just TOYS . . . and so I shouldn 't take it too seriously . And I had seen people ( or in this case TOYS ) physically fighting before , and so it didn 't phase me when Buzz and Woody roll around under the car at the gas station and punch each other out . . . . But my innocent little four and two year old ? They haven 't . They 've never seen anyone ( or thing ) punch each other out . They don 't have words like idiot in their vocabulary . And they don 't know that little nasty boys ( girls ? ) blow up toys with explosives in their backyards . So , did we make the wrong call ? I don 't know . It was still fun - they got to have ice cream and popcorn at the movies ( note : since when is ICE CREAM at the movies a good idea ? EsPosted by I 'm not a career woman . I was a graphic designer in my past life , and admit , I do enjoy design a lot . I know I have an eye for it - but I also know I struggle with being creative on demand . And I wasn 't thrilled with being a designer for a JOB . So , every once in awhile I get some freelance graphic design work that really feels happy to do . I find passion in doing it , and I remember why I graduated with a graphic design degree . I am grateful for work . I am happy to be doing some work right now for a couple of different clients - and it comes at such a great time . We have some unexpected condo building expenses on the horizon , and I was pretty worried about where we would get the money . It feels pretty amazing to be able to contribute to that . So , while I 've spent my whole night working instead of hanging out with my hubby , it feels good to be working . I love cooking . It is a real joy of mine to look up a new recipe , find something spectacular and cook it for family and friends . I love making new things . We had some friends over tonight that we went to college with - we hadn 't seen them in a long time , and it was wonderful to reconnect . I am grateful for entertaining . I admittedly do stress out a bit right before we have company - I enjoy it immensely as I prepare and then right when they are about to arrive I freak out that I won 't have everything ready and perfect . We always survive . This is the menu for tonight ( minus the rice pudding - I did this dessert instead ) . Phew . I caught up . I was almost a week behind - and I was watching the days go by and not wanting to catch up and worrying that this blog would slip away from me ! I am grateful for catching up . Now I 'm back on track and even though I say I was worried - I knew I 'd do it . This blog is non - negotiable for me . I have heard enough from others that it is helpful and enjoyable to you readers . . . so for that reason alone , I must continue . And for little old me here behind the screen - it has been an incredible year for me . A year of delightful surprise - at how this silly little idea has become something inspirational and in fact has changed my whole outlook on life . Gratitude is really the way I am beginning to live my life . So , I may have had to catch up with the written word , but gratitude is there , whether I write about it or not . I always hem and haw about haircuts for my two little blond curly - head children . There curls are wonderful , I am the first to admit I love how they look , how they feel between my fingers , and all the wonderful comments we get while out . People love blond curls ! But I hate . . . H . A . T . E . combing hair battles . And I dislike how their hair looks when it grows out to the point of straggly curls and not cute little tendrils . So , it was time . I am grateful for haircuts . I should have taken pictures . I guess I still can . Nothing all that miraculous or new - just clean and cute looking haircuts . That just makes me happy to look at their cute little faces with shapely hair surrounding them . I like that . Wednesday , October 7 , 2009 . I really wanted to go see Children 's Poet Laureate , Mary Ann Hoberman , tonight . She was reciting poetry in hyde park - an event especially for children - only about a mile from our house . It felt like a no - brainer and something I really wanted for my kids to be at . I am grateful I listened to my daughter ( by way of my husband ) . Dylan has been playing really nicely at home lately . She gets into the grooves where she just plays and plays and is so happy and interested in what she is doing and even fun things we have to go do - are disruptive . So , when I announced that we were going to this , she was negative about it . Jason happened to be home for a moment before he headed out for grad school , and he offhandedly commented , " Dylan might just want to stay home . " Something about that clicked for me in that moment , and I knew he was right . So , I immediately adjusted my own expectations and canceled our plans . I knew it was really me that wanted to go - not my kids . And that they would be just as pleased ( more pleased ) with staying home , playing together and taking a bath . So , that 's what we did . It was a nice evening , and instead of rushing around ( like I was trying to avoid only a few weeks ago . . . amazing how quickly I can rev up our schedule again when given the opportunity ! ) - we stayed home and enjoyed each other . Who needs Mary Ann Hoberman in real life when her books will suffice . Tuesday October 6 , 2009 . We met dear friends today at a wonderful little children 's indoor fun place in Indiana . It had been open only 2 weeks and so everything was brand spankin ' new . I am grateful for BellaBoo 's . They had thought everything through at this place . It seemed like the things you usually say " they should have done this . . . " at these types of places - they did . For example , they had hand sanitizer , kleenexes and little sinks ( with automatic water and towel dispensers ) everywhere . They had a cooking class area - where they have on the hour almost every hour a mini cooking class where they have the kids make something for a snack . It was healthy , cute and well thought out . The U - shaped counter around the sunken kitchen ( so the kids at the adult 's eye - level when they are cooking ) had little tiny bar stools for the kids to sit on and " work . " The dress up area was chocked full of costumes . The play kitchen area had very last cabinet full of something . There were comfy benches everywhere for parents to sit on and watch / talk . My only complaint is we were told ( since we did this ) that you aren 't supposed to bring in outside food . Well , with my gluten sensitivity , it 's easy to get around those rules , but for the rest of our crew not so much . What do they expect you to do when you want to stay all day but don 't want to buy the cafe food ? Leave early then ? Not come at all ? So , I hope they revise that policy . But , overall , it was a really fun day ! I had to tear the kids away from the fun and they both totally crashed on the way home - anything that wears Dylan out to the point of napping is quite awesome ! Monday , October 5 , 2009 . Tonight was a potluck at Dylan 's school . We got to meet many of the parents in her class , and getting to see everyone in a big room together , kids running around tables and parents chatting it up while they try to keep an eye on their running kids . . . it was homey . I am grateful for community . When I think of what close - knit community that I belong to , I think of my church community . They are the ones I share the most with on many levels . But now , we have this preschool community with whom we share this wonderful nursery school . No one at my church knows what KAM Isaiah Israel is . Nobody at church saw me crying the first day of drop - off and comforted me with stories of their own first born separation troubles . I don 't see anyone at church as often as I see these 18 families who share pick - up and drop - off schedules three days a week . I 'm not replacing my church community in any way here , but I am adding a really nice dimension to my circle . I feel more tied to my neighborhood because my daughter is in school here . Which also affects my thoughts about future schools / kindergarten options . So , I have a lot of thinking to do . But , in the meantime , I 'm enjoying this new found community that was dropped right into my lap . Sunday , October 4 , 2009 . My church has been going through some conflict in the past year , regarding accepting same gender relationships into membership or not . It has been a really rough time on the church leadership team and while I am ready to move forward in our work together , I wasn 't sure if much of the congregation was ready to trust each other again . I am grateful to be able to look people in the face again . I didn 't realize it until today , when we had a day 's worth of meetings with a faith - based conflict resolution team , that I often haven 't been able to look people in the face in church and really be myself . I have avoided conversations that seemed to loaded , and while I myself felt trustworthy , I didn 't know if the congregation saw me that way anymore . Today I realized I had been sort of metaphorically holding my breath . . . and I began to exhale today . Thanks to the rest of the congregation who showed up for this work together . I know there are good things in store for us all . I continue to pray especially for the people who have left , including the couple for whom this whole issue was central - it was about them , even when we tried to make it not . I hope they are in a place of peace . Saturday , October 3 , 2009 . I do love Hyde Park . I know I go on these Hyde Park love binges every once in awhile on this blog , so I guess it 's time for another . Just when I get annoyed with city living , I have a lovely day in the neighborhood and feel at home right where I am . I am grateful for Salonica breakfast . Salonica is our favorite breakfast spot in Hyde Park - at least it 's the best breakfast spot with good service in Hyde Park . Actually - it 's one of the best places for customer service in all of HP ( which is not saying much since this is one of the neighborhood 's biggest faults in my eyes ) . We had a wonderful morning enjoying eggs , hash browns and sausage ( french toast and sausage for the kids ) and then headed over to Nichols Park for Halloween in the Park by the Chicago Park District . The kids decorated pumpkins , had hot chocolate , went on a pony ride , and jumped in inflatables . We wrapped up the day at home , enjoying our house and grateful for a day together as a family . This is the first weekend in forever where Saturday is wide open . It 's not even Saturday yet , and I 'm already excited about the lack of plans . I am grateful for the end of the week . Friday , I love you . Thursday , October 1 , 2009 . It was cold today - I guess Welcome to October . I do love the fall , so I 'm not really going to complain about it . Sun with the cold would have been even better , but I 'll take the closed - toe - shoes , vest and jean weather alone . I am grateful for the fall farmers market . Hyde Park 's farmers market was still going strong today . The kids and I walked there this morning , a leisurely stroll that turned more into a nature walk on the way home - which then turned into a collecting twigs and leaves and making a home for bugs in plastic ziploc bags . But , back to the farmers market , we got a lot of great stuff . Big tomatoes , green beans , butternut squash , plums , honeycrisp apples , baby bella mushrooms , farm eggs , free range / grass fed chuck roast , chicken legs and ground beef , and grape tomatoes . Yum , yum , yum ! There is nothing like coming home and making a lunch out of your farmers market finds . Happy fall ! I 'm a mother of two children , hoping to parent mindfully . I am trying to live simply ( as much as possible in the city and with my own humanness ) . I am trying to live with regard for our earth , teach peace , and grow in my own spirituality . I am trying to walk as a follower of Jesus , and model gratefulness to my own children . |
" If you can 't say something nice , then say nothing at all . " Nooooooo , no , no , no , no ! This is the worst advice in the world . To not speak up against some things is a major crime and at the top of the list is bad service , like clerks / waiters / nurses standing around discussing personal lives instead of taking care of the business at hand . Overhearing the nurses ' social klatch at their desk while waiting for something only a nurse can do is infuriating . Sullen waiters and flirty clerks who would rather chat with their coworkers are surely business liabilities . But I will not be the one who speaks , though . My mother taught me well . I might desperately need a bed pan , and no one wants to know what angry waiters do to the food before it arrives at the table . " Beauty is only skin deep , " my mother said . She forgot to add , " But ugly is to the bone ! " If she had just given me the entire truth on this one , I think we would have found common ground . " It is always best to tell the truth . " On the surface , this seems to be foolproof advice . Most everyone agrees that truth is always the best policy , until faced with one of those delicate social dilemmas . I would never tell a radiant new mother that her child is the ugliest little baby I have ever laid eyes on . In fact , I hope the expression of surprise and revulsion does not show in my face . Merely offering congratulations is a time honored , neutral social response , and for good reason . Everyone needs a gracious way out of a tight spot . The need has always been there and always will be there . Any time I stray into those subjective areas of beauty , good taste , or appropriate manners , telling the truth as I see it is not the best idea . The internet is full of " Walmart Weddings " photos . In such a case , if I cannot say anything good , then I say nothing at all . Mom was not wrong all the time . Friday afternoon at 17th and Gage , Santa Claus turned the corner in front of me . He was driving a beat up roofing truck , ladders rattling in the overhead racks . Either driving that rig is cheaper than the magic reindeer , or the old boy is holding down two jobs in this economy . I celebrated another birthday , one far past the expected half - way point . It is always time for reflection when another year ticks off and all the things I had hoped to accomplish in life are yet another missed milestone . Sometimes I get angry at the way life escapes in the daily grind , the constant minutia and minor disappointments , and the way we certainly seem to be at the mercy of everything out of our control . I understand it is good that we wither and eventually die . If we just cease to exist , then it was hardly worth the trouble . But if we carry on in some manner , then I assume we awaken in fresh bodies , in fresh dreams . Not that I am ready to give up on this journey just yet . I recently lost the ring with my mother 's diamonds . It slipped off my hand one morning between the couch and arriving at work . It could be in the house , in the prairie , in the car , or in another dimension for all I know . It is a particularly poignant loss of something I had never in a million years thought I would be so careless as to lose . Like my parents , it is gone from me and there is not a goddamned thing I can do about it . Is that not just the perfect metaphor for our lives here ? We are born but none of us can remember asking to be born . We live at the mercy of forces far out of our control - disease , natural disaster , genetics , politics , luck and calamity . We have intentions , but some force thwarts us . We are minding our own business when bad luck ( and good luck ) strikes . Then we die , whether we are ready to go or not . There are a few things we can control in life . Last week , on my way to work , I was speeding in the left lane , almost ten over in a 65 mph zone , so it was not as if I were holding up traffic . The person behind me flashed for me to get out of his way but I was not ready to change lanes yet . I had to get closer to my exit . When I did not immediately clear the way , the driver behind me continued to flash his headlights and to speed closer to my tailgate . Apparently , the fool expected me to instantly slam over into the Posted by Could you in good conscience sell these young , healthy horses to the slaughter house ? More of the herd that narrowly missed starvation and just missed the slaughter house . There are fourteen horses that were allowed to almost starve to death before intervention could be legally initiated , but eventually the horses were taken away from their owner . They were fed , given medical attention , and brought back to health . With the slow grind of justice , this took over 18 months . Then just this week , the Sheriff ordered all the horses to be removed from the boarding facility before tomorrow , or the kill buyer would take all of them to the slaughter house . What in the hell is wrong with human beings ? The good news is that all of the horses have a home . One of the horses has a home at Spirit Creek , I just do not know which one it is yet . There is a dappled palomino , a brood mare who has likely been pregnant most of her adult life , who seems to be destined for Ginger 's kingdom . Maybe by Christmas , certainly before the end of the year , there will be another horse in the pasture . She has lost her figure from having too many babies but hey , I am not in such great physical shape myself ! Thursday afternoon , my son completed the last final exam required to earn his college degree ! Congratulations to the Unabomber for hanging tough until he succeeded ! It it truly a red letter day . I believe this signals the conclusion of my minimum required parenting duties . Though I have never doubted my son is superbly capable to do anything he wants in life , I have worried about him since he was a baby . A born athlete , he crawled for a week or two then switched to his natural rate of travel : high speed . Whenever I took him any where - shopping , day care , doctor 's office - I had to hold tightly to one of his limbs or maintain a handful of sturdy clothing at all times or he would dart into traffic . He wrecked every mode of transportation he has ever ridden or driven , starting with a toddler ride toy . He sat on it and pushed with his feet . The seat was maybe four inches off the ground but he found a way to make it dangerous . When he skidded over a large crack in the driveway , he crashed , landing on the point of his chin . Later , when a thin vein of calcification could be felt in his chin , the doctor said my son must have had a hairline fracture . He rode a skateboard under a car , miraculously without injury . His father almost crushed him letting a car down off a jack . My son fell fifteen feet out of a tree . He skinned half of his face in a spectacular BMX bike wreck . He wrecked his first car in the first week he drove it . He totaled that car on the gravel roads a couple of weeks after it was repaired . He wrecked his second car on the same gravel road . When I saw the way the car was situated in the ditch , I marveled over the power that prevented the car from rolling . ( His third car was a 1987 Cadillac - 3000 pounds of heavy metal to keep him firmly on the road . ) Needless to say , I have actively and consistently campaigned against my son owning a motorcycle . Almost from the beginning there were regular phone calls from the school . He was always too busy , too talkative , too much of who is he is to fit quietly and easily intPosted by When my son was little , he loved playing video games and he was good at it . He and his buddies knew all the games . By some osmosis peculiar to the young , he knew about all the " easter eggs " which are hidden treasures , jokes or puzzles within the games . He knew the cheat codes that gave unlimited life , or bullets , or super powers to blast through the games . The thing I found most irritating about the games - a dizzying string of controller moves that once mastered would confer death blows to opponents - delighted him . Of course , I was either a permissive parent , or a lazy parent , or possibly even a negligent parent because if he wanted to play the games for hours at a time , I did not care . I recalled playing Monopoly games with my friends for hours . It was so much fun watching him play the games that sometimes I would start a game as another character and play , too . When I ran into monsters I could not slay , my son would take over the controls for me . If there were parts of a game that demanded patience and time consuming gathering of coins or other slow , boring passages , I would take his character through for him . As you might guess , this led to some spectacular squabbles when one or the other of us would not give up the controller , or if we committed a fatal move that caused the other 's character to die , or lose his powers , or if it meant starting over in a challenging level . When the Tomb Raider games came out , with the female lead character of Laura Croft , a sexy , gun - toting , bad - ass who looked like . . . well . . . Angelina Jolie , I was blown away ! Those games were so much fun . It was a role playing game and Laura Croft was a female Indiana Jones . A feminine character who could beat up bad guys , shoot machine guns , blow away scores of monsters and armies of thugs was a delight for a woman who grew up with only dolls and the 50 's female stereotypes . I had to practice diligently to control that character in order to put her through all the physical demands of the adventures . I could never get much more than halfway thrPosted by My earliest memories include being afraid of two intangible things : bears and ghosts , neither of which reside in Kansas , so my parents taught me . I suffered nightmares of our tidy little farm home being stuffed entirely full of bears , crammed to the ceiling . I would wake in a state of terror . Sometimes I would dream of ghosts filling the house , equally as frightening . I do not know what caused these terrible dreams . My mother scolded me a thousand times , " It 's just your imagination ! " My imagination was a burdensome thing for both me and my mother . One horrible episode involved my entire family . My father had to leave for Wichita literally in the middle of the night . He worked the third shift at the Boeing factory . The yard light was turned on so he could do a few of the heavy farm chores before he left , and the light shone directly into the bedroom window . My little brother and I shared a bed . In the shadows between our two pillows , I saw a little snake slithering toward the covers . My little brother saw it too . I ordered him to touch it , which he did . ( At age three , he knew the consequences of not following my orders . ) When he confirmed that it was real , I screamed because snakes were the third thing I feared . My parents came to investigate my hysterical screaming . My father took it seriously because sometimes there had been a snake in the house . He turned on the lights , shook all of the covers and sheets , looked under all the furniture . He found no snake and tucked us both into bed with strict instructions to go to sleep . As soon as he turned out the light and left , every shadow in the room was full of moving , wriggling , fearful " monsters " . It was as if that shadow snake was only the first one of a million black entities haunting that room . They could not exist in the light , so they crowded into every square inch of shadow . The seething cauldron of black energy surrounded my little brother and me in our tiny square patch of light coming in through the window . I could not bear to close my eyes and I could not bear to keep them open . Well over fifty years later , my brother also still remembers that strange night . In the decades since , I have never seen a bear in the wild but I have no unnatural fear of them , nor dream of bears filling my house to capacity . I no longer run in a blind panic whenever I come across a snake . In fact , as long as there is a safe distance between the snake and myself , I enjoy seeing them . Amazingly enough , I have even evolved to holding the opinion that baby snakes are cute - on a sliding scale , you understand . I am still afraid of ghosts . If they bother me in dreams , I wake myself up and have some tea . They know they cannot scare me while I am awake because I do not believe in them . I know they are just my imagination . The last two times I dreamed of someone knocking at the front door of my house , I woke myself instantly , the rattling of the storm door lingering in the room . As soon as I am fully awake , I am thankful it was just a bad dream . Then I get up and shut the front door , the same front door that was firmly shut and locked behind me when I went to bed . This is cattle country . There is still enough of the tall grass left in the Flint Hills to graze many thousands of cattle . Some of my neighbors have herds of the finest beef cattle I have ever seen . One family owns a herd containing about fifteen or twenty bulls , and at certain times of the year , The Boys will be pastured together . They are huge beasts , calm and slow , taking it easy , and seemingly enjoying exclusive male companionship . Each bull had to have shown special promise and extreme beauty as a calf to be spared the fate of steers . But , every cow eventually comes to the same fate : the slaughter house . It is common at certain times in any given year to see real cowboys on horseback moving herds from one pasture to another . I have always wondered if nostalgia causes the bigger ranches to keep horses . All terrain vehicles can easily travel the pastures . But , the more I thought about it , the more I realized nothing could take the place of horses . An ATV cannot squeeze between the trees in a stand of timber , or climb out of a steep ravine , or safely turn on a dime . There is a lot of negativity against the cattle industry , some of it for good reason . The huge feedlots are an abomination . Anything that smells so bad you can smell it twenty miles ( or more ) away is not healthy for man nor beast . The disgusting concoction fed to cattle in the big lots should be outlawed . Some of it is chicken manure . ( Research it . ) PETA and other animal rights groups have been unfortunately branded by their most extreme actions , yet without the work of such groups , the immense suffering of all animals who give their lives so we may live would be even greater . At the least , the transport and slaughter of the animals should be as humane as we can possibly make it . There is not enough grassland left to raise enough beef to fuel the fast food industry of the western world . The cattle who are fortunate enough to live in the Flint Hills , no matter how brief their lives may be , are lucky - if anything is considered lucky in the life of an aniPosted by So . . . I willingly allowed modern medicine to remove my gall bladder and now every time I eat a delicious sugar cookie from the Copper Oven , my stomach rewards me with three days of searing spikes of indigestion . I cannot eat enough antacid tablets . Who designed these bodies ? First , no drugs ! No rock and roll ! No smoking ! No horseback riding ! Now I can not even have a goddamned sugar cookie ? I should have purchased the extended warranty against the things that plague my gene pool : bad knees , gall bladder trouble , gaining weight as easily as breathing . I understand why people turn into old bastards yelling at kids to get off the lawn . This getting old business is going to be hard . No one wants to hear a blow by blow description of how someone else 's body is failing to hold up for the long haul . " Hey , you rotten kids - get your bikes off my grass ! " Post script : Sugar cookies were not the problem . The symptoms coincided with purchasing and eating two sugar cookies on Monday and Tuesday , but it was apparently a flu bug . The cookies are off the menu for quite some time . The mere mention of them kind of makes me ill . You and Your Camera Can Take a Flyin ' Leap . . . Since the moment I met my horse , Ginger , my pet name for her has been Miss Snot Face , a reference I learned in my grade school days , when girls who thought they were better than everyone else acted " snotty " . I did not make it up - it is what people said back in the Dark Ages . Miss Snot Face lived up to her name today . The farrier made a special trip to my house to trim Ginger 's hooves . Ginger does well with both front feet , but she does not like waiting on Terrie to finish those back hooves and wants to put her feet down . Terrie is not a very big gal , but she is pretty darned strong to wrestle Ginger for control of those hind legs . On top of this bad habit , for several weeks now Ginger has been quite concerned about something only she can sense somewhere south of her pasture . It might be coyotes , but I do not think a horse would be too worried about coyotes . Maybe a bob cat . I hope it is not a mountain lion . Something unusual has Ginger on constant alert so that made the hoof trimming even more fun than normal . In addition to this bad behavior today , Ginger left her calling card for me in the barn . There are two stalls in the run - in shed which faces south . Ginger can shelter against the wind and rain , but about the only time I see her in the barn is when she needs to poop . She backs into the middle stall . She can fertilize the entire pasture , but she chooses to relieve herself in the middle stall of her own barn . I think she does this because she used to live in a corral attached to the barn , and the horse manure was removed about every day from the stalls by me . Sometimes , though , I think Miss Snot Face is making a very blatant horse statement , one just for me . It was an auspicious start Thursday morning , the first day to return to work in almost three full weeks . The doe I have been watching for several months was in the middle of the road as if waiting for me when I crested the last hill before the interstate . One of her fawns remains with her , and it sailed easily over the west fence to pause for a brief moment in the center of the road , watching my approach . The deer 's effortless grace is always to be admired . A few minutes later , an eagle flying low from the north changed course to sail directly over my car as I was hauling toward the city . It is not every day a person is blessed by an eagle . The number of eagles has been rising in Kansas slowly over my lifetime . From never having seen a single eagle in the wild to seeing three within ten miles of my own home in the last twelve years is an auspicious sign . That little strand of happiness trailed after me the rest of the day . A coworker who is a deer hunter in his real life explained it is likely the other fawn was chased away from his mother by a breeding buck , maybe still following his mother from a hundred yards back . Or he may have taken up with another young buck , and both are trailing a group of older bucks . I was thankful for this knowledge . I am thankful for many things in my life - my family and friends , my home , humble as it is , and my time on this old earth . Last night the sky was glorious , the serene beauty overpowering the light pollution and clutter of our civilization . The horned moon low in the west , almost a true Cheshire smile , cast a mellow light above the skyline , and in the east , Orion rising on his ancient westward trek across the winter heavens . The atmosphere was so clear that red Betelgeuse and blue Rigel were colorful beacons anyone would have recognized had they only looked . The Pleiades and Cassiopeia were above Ginger 's barn , but it was Jupiter , seemingly stationed directly above me , that crowned the sky . It seems a profound evolutionary mistake that human beings only have a few decades beneath the living skies . I recently learned that eventually the Light will go out in the universe , when all of the hydrogen is consumed by the uncountable stars . I imagined the last remaining burning star , the ultimate ending flame of light in an infinite expanse of utter darkness at the end of time . It made me incredibly sad . Nothing lasts forever - not winter , not life , not sadness , not happiness , not even light . M74 : The Perfect Spiral Credit & Copyright : Descubre Foundation , Calar Alto Observatory , OAUV , DSA , V . Peris ( OAUV ) , J . L . Lamadrid ( CEFCA ) , J . Harvey ( SSRO ) , S . Mazlin ( SSRO ) , I . Rodriguez ( PTeam ) , O . L . ( PTeam ) , J . Conejero ( PixInsight ) . Posted by The moon indeed possesses feathers . It was only after moving to Spirit Creek , with the clear and panoramic views of the sky , that I finally understood the phases of the moon . I knew the moon was traveling around the earth and the phases were relative in relationship to the sun , but I was not clear in my mind how that made the moon appear in phases . When I observed for myself the full moon is opposite the sun in the sky and appears close to the sun at the new moon , I understood at last . It only took a little over forty years . Genius . Many years ago , I received a Bushnell 60 mm telescope as a Christmas present . Included with the instructions for care and use , I found a newsletter devoted entirely to observing the moon . It contained a marvelous map of the lunar surface and ended with a few short paragraphs regarding an intriguing natural phenomenon known as " transient lunar phenomenon " . It encouraged all amateur astronomers to be cognizant of the possibilities of observing a TLP . It included instructions for reporting any observations to NASA . It was before the internet , so people had to commit language to paper and physically ship the information via the United States Postal Service . Barbaric , I know . This morning as I was scrolling through the full moon photos taken with my new camera , I remembered the request of NASA scientists for observations of the well - known phenomenon that has been witnessed throughout recorded history . It was a mystery to science in the late 1980 's and I wondered if that riddle had been solved . Thanks to Google , I instantly discovered that TLP has not yet been entirely solved by science . From Wikipedia : " During the Apollo 11 mission Houston radioed to Apollo 11 : " We 've got an observation you can make if you have some time up there . There 's been some lunar transient events reported in the vicinity of Aristarchus . " Astronomers in Bochum , West Germany , had observed a bright glow on the lunar surface - the same sort of eerie luminescence that has intrigued moon watchers for centuries . The report wasPosted by Cyberkit , a faithful reader of this blog and a long time personal friend , emailed this work of art to me . I believe this is the very genesis of an entirely new artistic photographic style . ( The only thing that could have improved this would have been if Ginger was wearing a crown . ) Hold on , Cyberkit - when this image hits the internet , we are going to be rich , biatch ! We must all be here at the same time for a good reason . Maybe , like Skynet in the Terminator movies , the population has grown to such staggering numbers in order that humans may become self - aware , sentient , enlightened . Oh , my existentialistic soul can dream ! Perhaps a great bursting awareness is soon to rip through space / time , maybe on December 21 , 2012 , and it will not be the long awaited doomsday predicted by the Mayan , Hopi , Nostradamus , and any number of religions , crack pots , and yahoos scattered across the world and through time . Maybe we will just wake up and KNOW things - like Americans should not be hogging all of the world 's resources and fighting wars against people who have a different religion . American companies should not have sold the software to governments to spy and oppress their citizens via the internet . Of course , if they sold it to one government , I assume they sold it to my rich government as well . In America , the religion is profit . It is why we continue to dump uncountable numbers of cubic tons of chemicals into the water , soil and air with no compunction . Our deity expects us to go forth and multiply our profits . Maybe we will wake up on December 21 , 2012 and know that it is madness to believe we can continue to destroy the earth for energy , as if it is a right Americans deserve . We allowed corporate interests to manipulate our law to give human rights to a soulless entity . One thing those old time , savage Indians got right - they warned the laws that took everything from the Indian would one day turn and consume the white man . Silly Indians . Are the kids in the streets across the country and across the world the stirring of some great knowledge that is reaching a critical mass in the human spirit ? Are the numbers of people going to be sufficient to overthrow oppressive governments , oppressive social constructs and oppressive religions by simply being ? I do not know . What I know is that my drivers license is only good until December 21 , 2012 . It is my own personal Mayan calendar . If the world still exists December 22 , 2012 , I am going to go out , get in my car , and drive illegally . Yeah , that 's right - drive on an expired license ! I am going to stick it to The Man , man ! My dearest friend in this lifetime was gay . He did not come out of the closet until he was well into his thirties . It was a traumatic and heroic action on his part . He kept his secret so well hidden that I , his best friend , did not suspect . But , at long last , he was out , and the profound change this brought to my friend was a great thing to see . He was happier than I had ever seen him , and I had known him a long time , since high school . Even better , he soon found true love . My friend and his partner invited my family to Sunday afternoon dinner at their restored farmhouse . It was an important step for my dear friend , and I wanted the entire afternoon to go perfectly for him . My brother happened to be visiting that weekend so he accompanied my husband , my daughter and me on the trip for Sunday afternoon dinner . We had a wonderful afternoon , admiring all of the considerable remodeling and decorating the two men had accomplished in their home - refinished wood floors , restored french doors , excellent choices in artwork , house plants , fabrics , antique furniture . Their home was beautiful and comfortable . The dinner was a sumptuous feast served on a lovely old restored dining table set with heavy silverware and fresh flowers . It was heartwarming to see my friend so happy , lonely no longer , with someone to share his life and building such a beautiful home together . When it came time to sit down to the meal , there was a tiny problem . They were serving meatloaf . I absolutely hated meatloaf and never ate it , not even my own mother 's meatloaf . I was not about to let a detail like that put any sort of negativity on my friend 's day , so I ate the meatloaf and said not a word . My brother and my husband had seconds . My little girl ate a big helping of it , too . It must have been delicious . We passed the rest of the afternoon in good cheer and took our leave fairly late . It was over fifty miles to our house . It was the end of a long Sunday on a long weekend and we were all tired . We went to bed shortly after we arrived home . My little gPosted by I love Ginger . Here is the spoiled diva eating breakfast at sunrise . This old cottonwood lives high on a hill and bears the shape of the incessant winds . From this ridge you can see far to the south , miles and miles across the Flint Hills . The clouds were shredded and combed by the cold winds . It is difficult to convey the space . It was a beautiful November morning high on the prairie . Who knew the new camera would lead me into danger ? Yesterday I left the house early and took off to the west in search of beautiful scenery to record with my new digital camera . The wind was blowing out of the south with such ferocity that several times it slammed the door of my car against me . Good thing I have lots of padding - and a hard head . The wind whined its melancholy chords through the tightly strung electric wires wherever I went . It is such a lonesome sound that I can hardly bear it . On the ridges , the barbed wire strands were thrumming in slightly varying keys of sadness , too - a chorus of sadness and solitude . Several times I almost fell on steep hillsides and deep ditches . Today I am sore and bruised , but such personal sacrifice is the hallmark of a truly gifted photographic genius . I bleed for my art ! At one place , a big dog faithfully guarding his family 's front yard barked at me , keeping me in view at all times . I was across a creek , but that was too close . I recognized him as one of the Good Dog Duke 's comrade in arms , a good old farm dog , faithfully looking after his family 's place . I spent an entire morning taking photographs but when I returned home , I only had fifty photos . I deleted about one third of them . The best photograph of the day looked awesome in the viewer . I was so excited about it and thought it was going to be an award - winning work of art . I could not wait to get home to see it on the big screen . It was ruined by the inclusion of overhead wires that I did not see in the original composition . In the old days , I would have spent a lot of money getting that ruined photograph developed . I was disappointed but there are a billion more photographs out there waiting for me . Delete , delete , delete ! I did not have to go to the cube farm yesterday because I was " on vacation " . Instead , I went to see about a horse . He was a nice looking bay horse , rather a gentle spirit - with wings on his feet . When he was led back in his pasture to the rest of his herd , one of the horses came over and kicked him , in slow motion . The slow kick was in deference to their human benefactor being right there among them . None of the horses wanted to harm her . The kick may have been because the bay was enjoying the carrots I had brought for him right in front of the rest of the herd . Jealousy afflicts all flesh , it seems . When I got home , Duke and I decided to go down to the creek . I had not been down to the water for a long time . I was expecting it to be almost dry but it was still flowing . In some places it is a mere trickle over the rocks . In the deep clear pools , the little fish were plentiful . I have never been able to identify the fish that live in Spirit Creek . They could be Topeka Minnows , an endangered species found only in the tall grass streams of the Flint Hills . They are probably nothing as rare as that . There are only three kinds of fish that live in the creek here . The most numerous fish look like silver minnows of some sort . In the years when there is a lot of water in the creek , a few will grow to about ten inches long . There is a slightly different type of fish , far fewer in numbers , that seem to be full grown at a couple of inches in length . The most rare fish of all is some sort of little spotted bottom feeder that looks a bit prehistoric . I have to spend a lot of time beside the water to spot one of those as there are so few of them . It was wonderful to be walking the creek again . In the years I have lived here , the banks have grown into a jungle of brush and vines so it is not easy to get down to the water 's edge . To see the little creek in its normal state - a quiet crystal clear stream - you would never guess how quickly it will rise in a heavy rain , nor how loud and violent its rushing waters blasting between tPosted by Years ago , I heard that everyone has animal protector spirits , one on the left and one on the right . Testing that hypothesis , I announced to the Universe that I wanted to know what animal spirit was on my right . " Your move , Universe , " I thought . It took the Universe about a year to convince me that the animal spirit on my right was the deer . After I announced my request , I began noticing that each time I drove out of the city , I would see deer on the right side of the road . Of course I dismissed it as coincidence , like any normal red blooded American . As time went on , seeing a deer on the right side of the road , day and night , was such a constant and consistent event that I could have bet money on it . The more I meditated and prayed about this business of an animal protector on my right , the more deer I saw , and the greater my doubt grew . Crazy that the more proof we are granted by the Creator , the more we indulge our doubt . I went through all of the rationalizations that my society has dutifully taught me : coincidence - looking for deer when I had not been looking for them before - high number of deer in Kansas so of course I will see them everywhere - " magical " thinking - stupid to believe old pan - Indian myths . One time I had been earnestly praying about this whole spirit business and admitting it was difficult for me to believe . Later that day , on my way to visit a friend in another town , I spotted a doe with triplets at the edge of a field in broad day light . I have never seen triplets before or since . The Universe was patiently answering my prayers but I was stubbornly dense . In one prayer Lodge I attended , the people were taught to look into the red hot stones , the grandfathers , for messages , for help . While I always dutifully looked into the stones , I did not know what to expect . Would I see a vision , like a hologram ? Would an intuitive answer arise in my consciousness ? Would I hear something ? I did not know , but I continued to take the elder 's word and looked to the grandfathers for their help . One time I cloPosted by The graying Good Dog Duke - still shedding , so he looks unloved and unkept , but neither is true . I do not know what creature is causing the Good Dog Duke to bark all night long . He barks all around the house , so I am guessing coyotes are circling . Coyotes have been howling around this area for weeks . Ginger the horse cannot eat her hay in peace , stopping every few mouthfuls to step away and listen intently . Last night she was particularly nervous and I felt sorry for her . Something out there is worrying her . A herd animal probably feels quite vulnerable and defenseless living alone all the time . As I was playing my favorite insomniac marble game , Zuma , in these early morning hours , I heard slow footsteps crunching fallen leaves right outside the window . Having just watched Unsolved Mysteries about people who disappear for no reason , I got a little jolt of adrenaline . Duke was silent . Of course , in my mind , it cannot mean that Duke is right outside the window listening to me cuss as I continually die in the advanced levels of Zuma . It means a crazy redneck high on meth , wielding a skinning knife and a compound bow , is sneaking up on the house to steal my broken down furniture and the 532 pound television . One thing my mother taught me about living in the country : do not sit paralyzed with fear - investigate ! I went to the front door , flung it open and hollered for Duke , and added , just in case , " You can have the television but I 'll have to help you carry it out , so don 't kill me ! " It was just the old Dukenator lying faithfully beneath the window . This was once Kaw land , as far as the eye could see in any direction . Winter on the prairie . Muddy horses . Beautiful . Steak on the hoof . This little stream was full of water cress , a sure sign of spring water . I do not know the purpose of this limestone structure . It is one of the largest limestone ruins I have ever come across . As I was taking photos , the incessant Kansas wind thrumming new electrical lines overhead caused a mighty lonesome feeling , a melancholy in my spirit . I left right away . This limestone ruin was very similar to the first . If this was once a house , it was situated on a long stretch of tableland . The wind howls unimpeded all the way from the Arctic in the winter . I cannot imagine ever being warm within these stone walls . A bonnie vista is a beautiful view . It is also my grandmother 's name . She lived to be 99 years old . That is a long time looking forward but looking back it is not much time . She once said to me , " It went by faster than I thought . " She was a beautiful woman all the years of her life . She was opinionated but not in the way I am opinionated . She held her opinions with class and restraint . I often wish I had learned that grace from her . She believed when people die it is simply the end . I do not know what led her to this belief but I am sure it was her logical , pragmatic mind . Based on what we see , that is the logical assumption . This belief informed her life and lent to her an admirable discipline and strength . She told me a person must not weaken . She remained disciplined until the very end . She was not sentimental but she was loving . Her sense of humor had a touch of the steel blade in it but it was never mean - spirited . Her house was always spotless , from the big old farmhouse to the small home in town where she and Grandpa moved after they sold the farm and retired . I always had the sense that my Grandmother could have run a company or a school or a government if such professions had been more readily available to the women of her generation . In fact , she did run a successful business . She and Grandpa started with nothing but she was quite well off until the end . She successfully taught four children , eight grandchildren , and as many of the great grandchildren as she had the opportunity to know . Under her rule , the family prospered . She never dominated the people she governed but empowered the people she dearly loved . By some unknown blessing from the hand of almighty God Himself , I spent almost a week alone with my grandparents one summer . Every single day , as soon as I had breakfast , I could go to the barn . I could ride the horses as much as I wanted . It was the best consecutive run of days in my entire childhood ! It was my father 's chestnut cow horse that I rode . I loved the red horse and she loved me . It was nothing to the big working mare to carry a skinny little girl around in the pasture behind the barn or on the dirt road following the bend of the Little Walnut River . I have often wondered if a horse , such a sensitive and empathic animal , enters into the imagination of a child and experiences the make - believe worlds , too . Maybe it is the simple pure joy of childhood the horse experiences . I was as safe in the care of that wise old mare as I was anywhere in the world . My grandmother understood me and never placed any sort of burden on me for being who I was as a child . One day when she called me in at noon I asked if I could take my lunch so I could have a picnic in the pasture with the horse . She took my request seriously and packed a meal in a brown paper bag . Beneath the large cottonwood trees in the beautiful little pasture behind the barn , I gathered armloads of grass for the horse . I sat on the ground to eat and the horse , who could have easily chosen to graze anywhere in the entire pasture , stayed faithfully by my side eating the grass I had gathered . I was lucky enough to know all four of my grandparents well , and to have ongoing relationships with them that lasted until the end of their lives . My grandmother did not always approve of my choices but I never doubted that she loved me . Even when I did not visit in person , we wrote to one another over the years , so she usually knew what was going on in my life . The older I was , the more remarkable she became in my eyes . The thing about loving someone your entire life - that love does not fundamentally change but it expands , adds on , becomes more complex without ever leaving those innocent , simple beginnings behind . I do not know where my Grandmother is now . She died at the summer solstice when the sun was at its highest , when the most light was available to her . At the graveside the day of her funeral the sunlight was strong and clear . Off to the left , in an open area away from the mourners , a column of bright light was present . It was only thin air , visibly brighter than the surrounding sunlight , and was as clear and straight and as beautiful as my Grandmother 's spirit had been in physical life . I knew it was my grandmother taking her final leave of the family and friends she had loved so well and for so long . Wherever she is now , that is a good place . The hawks , fully reunited , greet the winter sunrise . By the time I leave for work , the sun is well up . The tiny speck in the center is a blue heron . Leonard McKinney told me these water birds carry prayers from the tipis . For the last dozen years , there has been a heron frequenting this pond and the creek around my house . As large as it is , I never hear it until it takes flight some yards ahead of me . It is such a large bird , and so unexpected , and its wings makes such a noise , that it never fails to make my heart race . A heron must live most of its life alone in the still places , by quiet water . I understand . My westernized mind cannot always grasp the things the Indians tell me , but when I become still enough , like the water , I know these birds for certain carry the prayers . Returning home at moonrise . And at the end of another day , I see the heron feeding in the last moments of daylight . Truly a beautiful crystal . Some people collect match book covers , or tea pots , or cars . Sometimes old ladies collect cats . I collect something quite similar to cats ( without the litter box ) : crystals . As with cats , you cannot " do " anything with crystals . You simply enjoy living with them . I have a favorite supplier for my crystal addiction , a woman from Arkansas who mines her own to sell to desperate people like me . I have my favorite crystals , but if I had to give any away , they would suddenly all become favorites . My collection is not to the point that my house is overrun , but if I were to get all of the crystals out of storage and displayed , it would require a lot of shelf space . This weekend I found a beauty , a Dow crystal , a certain crystal formation considered " perfect " by Sir George Henry L . Dow , III . ( Nah , I just made that up . ) I do not know who named crystals with three faces of sevens and three faces of three " Dow " , and neither do I know why that would that make them any more perfect than any other crystal . This Dow has inclusions and rainbows and unusual smaller crystals growing from it . It also has a huge phantom within it . A phantom is the outline of a crystal within a crystal . Folklore says it represents a progression of lives . Science says it is caused by various minerals present at the formation of the crystal . I am not sure that even science knows exactly how quartz crystals are formed . For instance , there are naturally double - terminated crystals , meaning they have faces at both ends and therefore did not form upwards from a matrix . Crystals are manufactured in the laboratory , so the process of crystallization is understood . Otherwise , from what I have read , no one is exactly sure how crystals are naturally created - all at once , or do they grow over time ? Some of my crystals have " pictures " of pyramids on their faces and sides , both Egyptian pyramids and Mayan . They do not merely resemble pyramids , they are perfect isometric images of pyramids . And they are not scratched into the surface , but of the Posted by This is Ginger , the fat horse , the ruler of Spirit Creek . She is not the most beautiful horse in the world , but she is the most beautiful horse I own . She thinks she is the supreme queen of the universe because she bosses me around , and Terrie the farrier , and Dr . J the veterinarian , and anyone else she gets the chance to boss around . I did not name her Ginger . She came to me already named . There are a million chestnut horses called Ginger in this world thanks to all the people who read Black Beauty as children . My Ginger is like the old time Quarter Horses : short and stocky , with a thin mane and a large jaw . My neighbor calls Ginger " cute " but that does not fool me . It is just her code word for " ugly " . My neighbor has no appreciation for the American Quarter Horse . The men who delivered Annie to me thought Ginger was an expensive registered horse . They were surprised when I said she was just grade . They were guys who made their living around horses , too . In all fairness , compared to Annie that day , Ginger did look like royalty . It is not right to keep a horse alone and away from others of their own kind . I have been looking for a companion for Ginger but have not had good luck . The right horse is out there , I just have to be diligent . I have been wanting a better camera for a long time , so this ivy was the impetus for taking the plunge . ( No one has to tell me that the photos taken with the expensive camera are no better than the photos taken with the little dummy - proof camera , okay ? I am still operating in the " Uhhhhhhh " mode of the new camera . ) Eventually I will learn how to use the creative possibilities - maybe . I think . I hope . Photo by Anne Williamson - from Topeka Capital Journal , 2011The sixth annual Mid - America Alpaca show was held in Topeka last weekend . Free admission . Why not go , I asked myself . I have seen an alpaca or two in my day , but I had never seen several hundred alpacas in one place . They are gentle and strange creatures with impossibly large eyes . They make a quiet mewing noise that is comforting the way a cat 's purring is comforting . I wanted to put my hands on every one I saw but I restrained myself . People and their alpacas traveled to Topeka from everywhere in the United States . Apparently , the fair is a big deal in the alpaca industry . I spoke to several people . I was even invited to visit an alpaca ranch in Minnesota . They kept throwing in enticements : wood burning stove in the guest house ; timber wolves ; Minnesota scenery ; lots of alpacas . Visit anytime ! Some of the money raised by the fair goes to support veterinarian classes at state universities , including Kansas State . With only about 150 , 000 alpacas in the United States , there is not a common pool of veterinarian knowledge available , but that is changing . Alpacas are not prolific breeders , so building a herd takes some time and a lot of money . A good breeding female costs several thousand dollars . Stud service from a male with highly prized wool is $ 2000 . It is not an industry just any fool can afford to jump into with both feet and that is a good thing . The animals are so gentle that it would be an extreme tragedy for any alpaca to fall into the hands of an abusive or neglectful human being . I also talked with a lady who has just started a not - for - profit business based on her alpacas . It is " Alpacas for Autism " . It seems that by pairing alpacas and autistic children some sort of magic happens . She has a camp for children at her ranch . She is also in the process of establishing classes for fiber work ( weaving , crochet , knitting ) , and marketing and entrepreneurship classes for families dealing with autism . What a brilliant idea . Since the fair , I have been considePosted by The last few days I have noticed a solitary red tailed hawk sitting in the tree directly east of the window where I work at my computer . It flies to the same branch to perch facing the morning sun each day . After ten or fifteen minutes it takes wing to hunt my pasture and the surrounding area . Because it chooses the same branch , I know it is one of the mated pair that has hunted and nested here for several years . It is sad to see the hawk patiently waiting for its mate . I wonder if the missing raptor was illegally shot by a farmer somewhere in the United States as it made its annual migration , or if it was killed by eating a rodent full of poison . I wonder if it was killed by a speeding truck along a highway when it fell out of the sky toward its prey . Did it break a wing flying into an electric wire , or a wind turbine , or by some other action or artifact of human beings ? Did it succumb to a disease or infirmity brought on by pollution ? I have seen many dead and dying red tailed hawks , all victims of our human selfish domination of the earth . Somehow we ignore the fact that we are made of the same biology as all of the creatures who live on this planet . We forget they were here first . We forget that if they cannot survive here , neither can we . I hope the missing hawk died of old age , that its time on the earth was full . I hope the survivor finds a new companion and nests once again in the bend of Spirit Creek , though as a human being I hardly deserve such a blessing . The hawks together November 12 , 2009 . Most Marvelous Post Script November 2 , 2011It is a happy day whenever the world proves me to be far too pessimistic and sad ! Look who arrived yesterday ! Taken November 1 , 2011 : It is a rather common sight to see cars parked along the gravel roads and people photographing , sketching or painting the prairie scenery . Yesterday there was an older man who had parked his car in an opened gate . He had set up his easel at the very edge of the road . When I drove by , I slowed down considerably , not to view his painting , or make him nervous , but to prevent enveloping him and his artwork in a huge cloud of choking dust . I could see that he was , in fact , painting the scenery . ( I once drove past a young woman splashing red paint across her canvas - some exercise in complementary colors , I surmised , since there was nothing but green in the landscape as far as the eye could see . ) My neighbors tell a story of an artist who set up in a pasture near here . He was seated at his easel , quite happily painting , entirely unaware of a semicircle of curious cattle that quietly gathered a short distance behind him . At some point he got the feeling of being watched . When he looked around he was startled to find such a large crowd of onlookers - a crowd of onlookers who could stampede him as he sat painting . It was disconcerting . He may have been careful to find truly empty pastures in future plein air excursions . Artists love to paint en plein air , even unskilled artists like myself , despite the risks of untamed onlookers and other dangerous encroachments . I spent a day alone on the Kure Beach in North Carolina with my water paints . It was " cold " so I literally had the beach to myself . It was in the upper 50 degrees . I had traveled from Kansas where it was already winter , so to me it was warm and wonderful . To have the entire beach to myself was a miracle , based on the impossible crowd of dwellings stacked up for blocks behind me . I had a nice painting started but could not resist laying back in the sand and closing my eyes to listen to the first lullaby known to mankind . When I closed my eyes , the water was about 15 feet away from me . I unintentionally fell asleep and I do not know how long I lay in the comforting sanPosted by Image Credit : Cassini Imaging Team , ISS , JPL , ESA , NASAFour of Saturn 's moons : Titan , the second largest moon in our solar system - Dione , the ice beauty shining brightly above the rings - Pandora shepherding the rings - and Pan , a speck in the gap in the rings to the left . DioneDione looks so much like our own beloved moon . Dione is covered in water ice . Perhaps a million years from now , when our sun has rendered earth uninhabitable , we will have migrated to Titan . From the surface of Titan , we would not only see the magnificence of Saturn but the sparkling pearl of Dione and be reminded of our home world , our great mother Earth and her daughter , the Moon . Human beings have about another million years to evolve a consciousness that would prevent us from destroying our home . I am not convinced we will succeed . Credit & Copyright : Stefan Seip ( Astro Meeting ) Posted by My house is not located far from civilization . I live only minutes away from the nearest Walmart , after all . Duke the dog and Ginger the horse do not always take into account that they are domesticated animals and now live in a civilized human world . The week was off to a good start Monday morning when I stepped outdoors to find the severed head of some unfortunate creature reeking on the front steps . Using a shovel , and holding my breath , I slung the grisly thing far out into the timber . This is the number one reason why Duke is never allowed to breathe on me or lick my hands or face . I can only imagine the horrible things he may have been recently savoring in his role as a heartily indiscriminate omnivore . I never have to worry about anything as gruesome with the resident herbivore , Ginger the Reigning Equine . She never drags stinking mammal parts up to the gate for me to enjoy . She expresses her disdain for primates in other ways . She expects weak and slow human beings to do her bidding . The farrier arrived Friday evening cheerful and friendly , and left forty - five minutes later sweating and a bit cranky after wrestling with Ginger for control of her right hind hoof . Ginger seems to greatly enjoy getting her hooves trimmed . She almost falls asleep while her front hooves are being tended but she only tolerates this human interference for a given amount of time . Then , whether the farrier is finished or not , Ginger no longer agrees that her cooperation is needed . Oh , she eventually allows that last hoof to be trimmed but she makes us pay by insisting on putting her foot down - by shoving me around with her nose - by rubbing her big horse head on my shoulder - by wrestling her hoof out of Terrie 's grip . After getting slapped by two cranky and irritated women , Ginger lowers her head and exhales her irritation , then usually cooperates , maybe throwing in one or two minor impatient horse maneuvers , just to keep things even amongst the females . The problem , if there is one , is that I do not actually feel as if my dog or myPosted by A plume of clouds trailing from horizon to horizon - an enormous fractal swath of natural geometry flowing west to east , moisture from the the Pacific Northwest traveling through Kansas toward another destination . It was sunset when I caught a sudden movement in a still pool . I stopped to see what it might be and discovered three racoons . Too bad I do not have a better camera . After I took the first photo , all three of the animals went further upstream to avoid the aggravation and harassment . The timeless moment in my valley when the prairie hills reveal their ancient pristine solitude , when the great mother 's dreaming first called them forth , long before human beings arrived with their noise and poison and destruction . The summer I was nine years old , my father tragically died in an accident . The enormous blow almost crushed my mother , my little brother and me . That old saying " what does not kill you only makes you stronger " is certainly true of grief . When you lose immediate family , you eventually heal , but you are never the same . The convalescence of the soul is a long journey . Tragedy moves people you hardly know to help in whatever way they can . They have no idea how their small gesture or gift might grace a broken heart with exactly what it needs . Soon after the funeral , a woman I had never met before was visiting my mother when I got home from school . She had come to pay her respects and apparently to ask my mother 's permission to give our family the gift of a dog . The following Saturday , the first Dachshund I had ever laid eyes on arrived at our house . I was horrified to learn there were dogs that ugly in the world ! I had never seen anything as hideous as that poor dog with its useless , dwarfed legs and its long , droopy ears . I do not remember exactly all the details , but I think I was acutely disappointed , expecting a real dog , like a German Shepherd or a Collie . The dogs I knew were greyhounds and large , mixed breed farm dogs . They all had normally sized legs and reasonable ears , not stumpy gnome legs and ugly skin flaps for ears . I hated that dumb , ugly dog on sight and wanted nothing to do with it . My mother named the poor beast " Beanie " , the dumbest name for a dog I had ever heard . It just seemed to be a bad idea in all ways : ugly dog , stupid name , dumb lady for giving us a worthless puppy . She had even said that puppy was the last one in the litter . No one else had wanted that deformed dog , either . The disappointment hardly registered in my broken heart , though . Of course , Beanie , as an agent of the dog nation was on a mission from heaven . He knew I hated him but that was no reason for him to not love me . Each night at bedtime Beanie went to sleep on my little brother 's bed . My brother was only seven and he took no aesPosted by I live in a little house on the prairie - a few acres in the tall grass prairie of the Kansas Flint Hills . This blog started with an idea of photographing and writing about the Flint Hills to share the beauty with the rest of the world . I soon discovered far better writers and photographers were already doing just that . ( You can find their work by following the links posted under " Other Cool Sites " . ) The other talented writers and photographers took the pressure off , leaving me free to indulge in whatever nonsense comes to mind . |
Merry Christmas to everyone ! I hope your Advent went well and that you had a beautiful Christmas with the people you love . We had two days with nice weather , good food and lots of family , as well as a beautiful midnight Mass . But this post isn 't about Christmas . It 's about a story that I 've been wanting to tell but just haven 't had the time . It 's an intercessory story related to our move . You see , in our history of moving we 've never had an easy time . More often than not , the first house we would set out to buy would become encased in some sort of turmoil or other and we would end up buying a completely different house . This happened to us three times . The last time we moved , we did so because we had lost everything and were moving into a rental . Needless to say , God had mercy on us and there was no extra drama . This time , however , we were buying again , and although we did not have a house to sell , I fully expected the experience to be like it had been in the past . I expected to find a house , fall in love with it , have something happen with the deal , lose the house and then find an even better one . After all , that 's how it had been before . But God had other plans . Let me backtrack a bit . For the past year + , I had been praying , along with many others , for Courtney Lenaburg and her family . In fact , it was just one year ago that she died . When she did , I cried along with everyone else . After her passing , I had read stories of her intercession , one in particular about a family who wanted to move but needed a miracle with their septic field . Through Courtney 's intercession , that miracle occurred . That got me thinking that maybe I should call upon Courtney to intercede for us in this move since I really didn 't want to have to go through what we 've been through in the past . Can I tell you something ? St . Courtney came through with flying colors . We began our search and had looked at a few houses when something ( or someone : ) nudged me back to the computer to look at the 90 + listings again . There I found it , the house we had overlooked the first time through . We went to see it and we loved it . We brought our kids ( who , being older now , had some very definite opinions about what they were looking for ) . They loved it , too . We put in an offer and at first it didn 't seem like we were going to come to terms with the seller , but I called on Courtney even more and before we knew it , the sellers came down in price and then started offering us their furniture . . . at no extra charge ! We closed in 30 days ! 30 days , people ! With not one hitch . Many times when miraculous things happen like this , I often find that God sends me a confirmation that what I am seeing is real . The moment this time was when we were at the closing ( which only lasted about an hour ) and our realtor said , " I don 't think I 've ever been at a closing that got funded that fast . " From past experience , I know that that was God 's way of telling me that I 've witnessed something grand . We moved into a great neighborhood . Having not had neighbors for 12 years , and having 7 children and 5 cars , we were a bit leery of what having neighbors might mean . Our neighbors are wonderful . Even funnier is the fact that in our small subdivision of about 33 homes , 95 % of the people are Catholic . God has chosen a wonderful spot to reintroduce us into communal living . I write this to let you know , in case you don 't already , that there are many saints up there in heaven just waiting for us to call upon them for their help . There is no other explanation in my mind ( based on our past experiences with moving ) for how smoothly everything went other than her intercession . Miss Courtney is up there calling for miracles and how happy I am that we have been on the receiving end of her powerful intercession . Thank you , Mary and Jerry , for raising and caring for such an extraordinary young lady ! I 've been recommending her to others in need , so I think she 'll be pretty busy up in heaven for quite some time . St . Courtney , pray for us . It has now been over two months since I 've been here to my good ole blog . It has been a crazy time of moving our family of nine from our rental house on five acres to our own home in a neighborhood . In what became a rather fast - paced event , we began looking for a home , found one and then moved 30 days later . Since I really can 't do - it - all , some - no A LOT - of things had to go and anything social media like was at the top of the list . We 're moved now and all settled in so I 'm back to share again . I mean really , I had just decided that turning 50 warranted more blogging and look what happens ? Sheesh . I 'm still 50 , though , so I guess it is better late than never . There 's so much to talk about that 's happened over the past two months , if I can just remember it all ! Like I said , we were down to a bare bones lifestyle for awhile so I thought I 'd share how we handled the whole " move your family in 30 days " thing . And just to be clear , when our offer got accepted , we had not packed ONE box . Not even one ! Also , we did all the packing and moving ourselves . Here 's how it went down . 1 . I knew that we needed to keep schooling as long as possible . With two high - schoolers and two grade - schoolers , I did not want to take off too much time . The high - schoolers kept to their schedule pretty well , it was the two younger ones that needed a revamp since much of what they did required me . Right off the bat we put our non - essential subjects on hold until the second semester . That included geography ( which was taking up a lot of time ) , map skills and Latin . That right there made a huge difference . 2 . My three college aged girls all have classes and jobs , so I knew they wouldn 't be much help . When they were home and free ( about 20 minutes over 30 days : ) , they were required to help out as much as possible , which they did . 3 . My other four kids were an immense help , especially the two in high school ! We got into a great rhythm of doing our school work in the morning and then packing and moving things in the afternoon . Because of their hard work , we only ended up taking two weeks off of school ! 4 . I made a firm decision to add nothing new to our schedule . We kept up with what we were already involved in but we rarely did any other activities or events beyond that . Saying NO was not fun , but crucial . 5 . Once we got in the new house I spent the first week working like a mad woman to get it into a state of readiness . I knew that that was all the time I had , so we worked morning till night that first week so that everything was put away and in order . I knew that I wouldn 't be able to function for very long with everyone wondering where things were . So that is how we survived our 30 day moving adventure . Being organized was crucial . Also , the fact that I have decluttered on an ongoing basis made things a lot easier . That 's not to say that we still didn 't get rid of a lot of stuff ! There were MANY bags of garbage as well as multiple trips to the local Goodwill . Hopefully everything that made the cut into the new house is stuff that we need and use and not much that is superfluous ! It 's good to be back here and , God willing , I hope to continue on a much more regular basis . I say that , but we 'll see what The Plan really is : ) October is Respect Life month and I 've got just the thing for you to make it memorable ! I 've had the pleasure of previewing the " Life is Precious " unit study from the American Life League , and it is a great resource that you can add to your own homeschool for the month , use it with a co - op or a religious ed class you 're teaching . The cool thing about this unit study ? I know both of the authors AND the illustrator . I 've watched all three girls grow up and become talented , wonderful , Catholic young ladies . They 've put their heart into this study and I 'm happy to share it with you . We took it for a test run a couple of months back and , even though it is geared for grades K - 3 , I used it with my 4th and 6th graders and they enjoyed it . The unit study is based around four picture books and has easy to do activities and discussion questions to help emphasize the life message in the story . I have three copies of this great unit study to give away . Follow the Rafflecopter instructions below to win . The giveaway begins at midnight tonight and ends on Sunday evening , so hurry and enter as many times as you can . I 'll have it shipped to you before October starts ! Good luck ! It is now officially a new decade around here . In other words , I officially turned 50 last week . I don 't feel much different , and I certainly didn 't feel old until I saw " 50 " printed on a birthday card . Looking at it in print , for some reason , made it seem old . Well , we 'll just put those cards away now , won 't we ? We did some good celebrating . Life 's been a whirlwind , what with starting school and celebrating big life events , not to mention all of the usual stuff that goes on . We managed to sneak in some fun and A LOT of good food . Not only did I get a year older , I got five pounds heavier . Back to the old grindstone to work that back off . So I needed to come back here to let you all know that coming soon I will be having a give away . Now , in the past those haven 't worked that well for me as something always seems to get messed up . However , I am willing to try again and will be announcing the giveaway soon ! What 's the prize , you ask ? Well , I just happen to have three copies of the " Life is Precious " unit study from American Life League . We were privileged to get a copy of it to try out and some other copies to give away . I love unit studies , especially if you 're schooling a handful of kids . This one is great and is very easy to do , so check back in and get ready to win . Having a large family on one income definitely makes things more difficult in a lot of ways . What the world says you should have and do is far different from what is attainable ( in most cases ) . The other day I was reading a blog post about how one family paid off their debt of $ 150 , 000 in a few years . The author made a great point about how , when doing something like this , it is important to realize that you still have to go out and do things that are enjoyable that cost money . For example , we all decided a few months ago that we would love to go see The Piano Guys . Who ? The Piano Guys . Seriously , if you have never heard of them , you have to go check out all of their music videos on youtube . They are incredibly talented musicians who love to have a good time with their music . It was a cool evening , with blankets and sweatshirts galore , but it was a great concert . We were all so glad to have been able to do this together . With school starting for everyone , and the variety of work schedules in the family , it isn 't that often that everyone is home at the same time . To spend the evening together outside listening to great music , sure was a nice way to start ending the summer . We hopefully won 't be ending it quite yet ( although you can 't tell by the weather we 've been having ) , but I can feel that it is starting to wind down . So did you read the title of this post with sarcasm or with enthusiasm ? Chances are , if you 've been at this for a long time , there probably was a hint of sarcasm in your mind . If this is your first year , or one of your first , then you are probably full of enthusiasm ! Good for you ! ! I spent all of Saturday , from morning till night , getting everyone organized with their books , laying out what needs to be done when and by whom , and making up all of my nice little Excel spread sheets for the various classes . Excel is my best friend when it comes to homeschooling . I urge all homeschooling mothers to learn how to use it . While my 5th and 7th graders are doing many of the same subjects , some of them will be together and some will not . I 'm basing my unit study on the book " Trail Guide to World Geography " and adding in some of my own ideas . If it turns out good , I 'll put it out here to share with you . Overall , I think it all looks doable . I don 't know that any of us is ready for summer to be over , but like I keep telling the kids , the sooner we get started , the more likely we 'll be done sometime in May . I pray that your school year is a good one and that you can accomplish all that you want to . This used to happen because of lack of sleep due to small children and infants . Now I 'm thinking that it might be because I 'm approaching menopause . Or is it something I ate that is dragging me down ? What about all the stressful situations in my life right now ? Could that be slowing me down ? Maybe it is a combination of some of them . Or even all of them ! I feel like gorging on chocolate and just vegging out rather than sitting down to tackle the next student who is eagerly awaiting their school schedule ( haha , I know you laughed , too ! ) . Some days when I get like this , I forge ahead with what needs to be done , and other days I give in and quit thinking . This day , after analyzing the situation to the best of my ability , I think I must forge ahead and at least get that next student underway . Then it 's cooking dinner and meal planning for next week ; both of which should thoroughly utilize any existing brain cells I have left . I was thinking last week , while whizzing through Aldi and Wal - Mart , how my grocery shopping has changed and evolved over the past years . I actually detest meal planning and grocery shopping but I know that my life is much better if I take the time to do it . Well , let me clarify , all our lives are better if I grocery shop , for without food . . . well , you know . In reality , I guess all of our lives are better , too , if I take the time to meal plan since I save my sanity , my time and our money . When my kids were much smaller , I would go grocery shopping in the evening so I could leave them home with my husband . It would be a grueling task to drag my tired body through Wal - Mart for hours on end ; because , really , who gets out of there in under an hour ? But far worse than trudging through the store at night was trudging through the store during the day with seven children . This happened ONLY in extreme emergencies . If this is your only option ( taking everyone with you ) then I will pray that another option makes itself available to you ! Once I had some old enough to stay home with the littles , I moved my shopping to the daytime hours . I still went by myself whenever possible , but doing it during the afternoon made it go a little bit faster because I wasn 't quite as tired . If needed , I would still go in the evening . Now that I 've transitioned into older children , I still go during the day , but here 's the difference . I now try to take one of them with me . Why , you might ask ? Well , because I despise standing in line at the deli counter and so I take said child with me , give them the deli list and send them on their way . Usually by the time they are done at the deli , I 've completed 90 % of the shopping . The only thing left is to stand in the checkout line , which can usually take as much time as the shopping did . I 've also begun shopping at Aldi again because the quality of their food choices has gotten much better over the past few years and the lower prices help in the budget area . It has become a challenge to me to see how fast I can do my Aldi shopping because , well , you have to make it interesting somehow . Last week was my personal best : 22 minutes . It is also important to be accurate and last week I actually didn 't forget anything even though I flew through the store . My daughter and I then moved on to Wal - Mart , where I know the time is at least double that of Aldi . I asked her if she was up to the challenge to make it another personal best time and she said she was , so in we went . Now granted , I didn 't have that complicated of a list , but many times that doesn 't mean anything . So I sent her off to the deli with her short list and before I had even made it out of the personal and household sections , she was done . It was looking promising at that point . We made our way through the food aisles and then headed to the checkout , where I knew that everything we had accomplished thus far could be thrown out the window . Miracle upon miracle abounded and we were out of the store 35 minutes after we entered . Our entire trip , from leaving to getting home , was 1 hour and 40 minutes . Unbelievable ! So if you hate this whole process as much as I do , then try to find ways to make it easier and more fun . Take a helpful child along with you , make it a game , buy yourself that special treat once a week , whatever it takes to make it more tolerable . As always , feel free to share your favorite shopping tips so others can benefit . I just wanted to jump in and encourage you to join in the National 54 Day Rosary Novena . If you aren 't sure what that is , it is a series of 6 novenas of rosaries . The first 27 days are days of petition and the second 27 days are days of thanksgiving . The novena starts today , the Feast of the Immaculate Conception , and ends on October 7th , the Feast of the Rosary . How providential that these two Marian feast days are 54 days apart ! Coincidence ? I think not . If you 've been wanting to start praying the rosary together as a family , then now would be a great time to start . This website has all of the information about the national novena , including the intention and the prayers ( in case you are unsure of how to pray it ) . You can even sign up to get email reminders , which I did , of course ! Recently I did some cleaning up on my blog . I removed and reassigned my labels so that there were fewer of them . This , of course , meant that I had to skim through all of my almost 2000 posts and made me realize that I 've been at this blogging thing for a very long time . I 'm also about to turn 50 . I 'm not really bothered by it because I 've always felt that age is more about how you feel about it than what the number says you are . I still feel a lot younger than that , so turning the numbers up one digit higher doesn 't really bother me . Now my youngest son , it bothers him . He says it kind of " creeps him out " to think about me and his dad being 50 . So , after much pondering about this space here , I 've decided that I 'm old enough now to be more of a mentor , so I 'm looking to have the posts in this ole blog be more in line with my organizing book " A Plan for Joy in the Home " ; which is why I reassigned all of my labels . I 'm hoping to help people more than just keep them up to date on our doings . Of course , that will all still find its way in here , but maybe with more of a purpose . Hopefully , God willing , this will also mean more consistent posting . I won 't be surprised , however , if there is still some sporadic moments ! Overall , I 'm looking forward to see what comes of this space in the future . Way back and a day ago , I was on retreat . That 's how long ago it seems , although in reality it has only been about three weeks . The Spiritual Exercises of St . Ignatius are the retreat of all retreats , and when you can go to one of them preached by the priests of Miles Christi , well then , my friend , you are in Heaven . Once a year they hold a retreat that goes from Monday afternoon until late Thursday afternoon . The rest of the time they are weekend retreats , so this gives you about one extra day which translates into more talks and more time to pray and meditate . There 's also more free time so I like to walk around and do all of that praying and meditating stuff outdoors . This is the first year I had a decent camera on my phone , so I took a few minutes to take some pictures of the grounds . Isn 't it just beautiful ? This Shrine is run by the Franciscans and has had Perpetual Adoration EVERY DAY , no matter what , since the 1930s . Unbelievable . So on that Monday I was preparing to go and I looked up on my information sheet to see what time the retreat started . I saw that registration began at 4 : 00 and so I knew that meant that the rosary was at 4 : 30 . Good . I left my house about 3 : 15 and knew I would be in time for the rosary . Except that I wasn 't , because registration really began at 3 : 00 , the rosary was at 4 : 00 and I arrived at 4 : 25 with Mass to begin at 4 : 30 . Ugh . I ran up the stairs , threw my stuff in the room and ran back to the chapel so that I could be on time for Mass . I 'm still not sure how that all happened , but later that night I realized WHY it happened . I decided later on that evening to go to the chapel in the photo above to pray my rosary since I had missed it earlier . I remembered that I had won a copy of " Rosaries Aren 't Just for Teething " a few weeks back from Cari and had the urge to read it along with my prayers . This , of course , meant taking my phone out to read it on my Kindle app . That meant possibly seeing a message or an email or a notification and then having to fight the major temptation NOT to look at it . But the urge persisted and so I went directly to the app and began reading the meditations for the Joyful mysteries . Wow , they were just what I needed to hear . Had I not missed the rosary , I would not have gotten these messages that I needed to get . For example , from the meditation on the Annunciation , " Rather than shake His head at us with a condescending grin , He mercifully offers us something better " . I struggle at times with the " loving " God and so this was a great thing to read to set me on the right path . From the Visitation , " Miracles surround me through the everydayness of life and the suffering and the joys " . How often I forget this . Especially the suffering part . Miracles are there . . . everyday . We just need to look really hard sometimes to see them . Finally , from the Presentation , " Motherhood isn 't just about our own pleasure . It is a sharing in the self - giving love of God . It is also a sharing in the suffering of the cross . " The cross . Oh how I need to learn to love to embrace the cross . Right now I run away as fast as I can . Much more work to be done there , that 's for sure . I continued to read the other three sections of the book over the next three days I was there . They were chock full of great quotes and insights that really helped me during my retreat . One of the way God typically speaks to me is through the written word and once again , He came through for me . I hardly ever win things , so I am thrilled that this was one of those rare times . The book is a gem and if you can , you should get yourself a copy and use it to mediate on the mysteries . And , if you haven 't done so this year already , you should make time for some kind of retreat with the Lord . I know times are busy , but even an afternoon away at an Adoration chapel will be well worth it . I was privileged to do an interview with Kerry Olvera from Catholic Homeschool Moms . She 's interviewing homeschooling moms from a variety of homeschooling backgrounds to help other homeschooling moms out , or just give them a boost if they need it . It was so much fun and I 'm very honored to have participated . You can find my interview here . More will be coming , too , so check back at her home page often . Oh , and pass this around . I think it has the potential to help a lot of people . Happy Feast of Corpus Christi . . . one of my favorite Solemnities of the year . The parish we used to belong to had two - mile long processions at noon and it never failed to be super hot . This year , since the parish we belong to now isn 't having a procession , my mom encouraged us to come to their procession on Saturday evening . It was an absolutely gorgeous evening and the procession , while shorter , was just as beautiful and nowhere near as hot . Here are some photos to enjoy in case your parish isn 't having a procession . This beautiful chalk image was on the steps leading into the church . It 's hard to see it ( phone camera picture ! ) but there is a Latin phrase written on the face of each step . Of course I can 't remember what it says or what it means . Today began my summer - break spring cleaning fest . We 're too busy in the spring time to do the deep clean so I save it up for our summer break , which officially started today ( WOOHOOO ! ) . We 're having a party in two weeks so I set it as my goal to be done by then . I wrote out a list of all of the rooms ( basement not included . . . ugh , that takes a week in and of itself ! ) , and am thinking that if I do one or two rooms per day that I have free , I should get the whole house done in time . Whew . That felt good . One room down , about nine more to go . The countdown is on . If they all go as well as this one did , the house should be looking lighter and brighter very soon . It is absolutely amazing how much time can fly by without me ever even visiting my own blog , let alone writing on it ! Seems like lately we 've been busier than even the bees . Let 's get a rundown on the past few weeks , shall we ? I really do wish that I had photos to share , but alas , I do not . I got to be the 2nd shooter at our friend 's daughter 's wedding over Memorial Day weekend . I 've known her for most of her life , so it was quite an honor to be a part of it . They are a beautiful , Catholic family so I knew how important their 2 hour Mass was to them . I spent a lot of my photo - taking time taking photos of them during that Mass . Unfortunately , I had to turn over all my photos to the main photographer as he is doing all of the editing , so I didn 't even get to see any of them . I am eagerly awaiting the finished product - to see if I can tell which ones I took : ) My son got to be one of the nine servers for the Mass . It is always so wonderful to see him in his serious - serving posture . Here 's the lovely couple . ( My daughter took both of these pictures , by the way ) If you look closely you can see me in the upper left with the camera in front of my face ( I 'm behind the other guy with the camera ! ) . Right before the Mass it began to rain buckets . After awhile we had this 10 minute respite so everyone ran outside and threw rose petals . It was quite lovely . That same afternoon , during the Mass , my mil had emergency surgery so my husband actually missed this part of the day . She 's doing a little better now , just slower on the recovery end of things than they were hoping for so any prayers on her behalf are greatly appreciated . During this same time , we also had a short , somewhat last minute visit from Ms 23 yo 's boyfriend . He came in to see her before she starts her new full - time job this coming week ! Yay ! The weather has been quite the roller coaster ride around here . We 've gone from cold to hot and humid and back to cold again , all with a lot of rain . With the rain comes water leaking ( ok , sometimes pouring ) into our basement which means the mold goes into overdrive . We 're discerning what we need to do about all of this mold business . Hopefully we can come to some clear direction on that VERY soon . School is over ( YAY ! ! ) and I am ready for summer . I started my summer - time to - do list ; you know , all of those projects which I hope to complete at some time over the next three months , but probably won 't . I 'm hoping to get to at least most of them . This week Ms 11 yo makes her Confirmation . She is taking the name Colette . This I will have pictures of ! Prayers for her , please , as she takes this important step . Essentially , June will be like the last two weeks have been . We have so much on the calendar that it will be gone before I can say . . . well . . . June . I will try to post updates here as much as I am able . If I 'm not here , I 'll be out enjoying that crazy thing I call my life . I 've had the pleasure recently of meeting ( via the internet ) Dan Gonzalez who has a great set of cards and an app for apple and android devices that deal with Catholicism . He 's a new advertiser on my website and he also asked if I 'd be willing to review his Catholic Words Memory Match card game . He graciously sent me both volumes of his game and I can say that I am impressed with the quality of them . Each deck has 26 pairs of cards with Catholic words on them . There is also a . pdf available that has the definitions of the words so that you ( if need be ) and your kids can learn the proper definitions . The cards are designed to be used in a matching game by 1 to 5 people . We opted for the " 1 " route . My youngest has played this and enjoyed it . The cards are very sturdy and colorful . They will definitely catch the attention of your children ! So while you 're planning for summer activities , or for next school year , you might want to consider getting yourself either the card game or the app , or maybe even both . While Dan sent these to me to review , it doesn 't mean I had to like them , so when I give my endorsement to something , you can be assured that I really did enjoy it . I hope you 'll consider supporting Dan in his endeavor to bring the Catholic faith to families in new and fun ways . My little Rosebud picking wild flowers for a May crowning today . We were all actually in the car waiting for her and threatened to drive away if anyone came by , which is why she is looking at me that way : ) Happy Is this pile of pillows my daughter brought home from work . She works at a hotel and they just replaced all of their pillows . Her boss was ordering people to take home cases of them so that they could get rid of them . The local mission came and picked up a bunch but they didn 't want all of them . Even funnier , I just got rid of this pile when my friend stopped by . Seems they 're having a lot of visitors this summer ! These words are the real deal . It all is in picking yourself back up and trying again . That 's what counts in God 's eyes . Apparently the first time I read this I was moved by it . . . thus the underlining and exclamation point . This past week has taught me a few things . You see , I 've had this bothersome virus since last Wednesday that has made me dizzy and nauseous - a really annoying combination . It has prevented me from doing a lot of things ; important things like moving around , driving and eating . So here 's what I 've learned 1 . To be grateful for my good health . It 's only when you can 't do something that you realize how much you take doing that thing for granted . As much as I hate to drive a lot , I realize how much my family and I depend on my being able to drive . I had to have one of my kids drive me to the grocery story last week . Thankfully one of them was available . If this turned into a common occurrence ( which I know it is for some people ) , it would make the already dreaded grocery shopping trip into something even more dreaded . Not that shopping with my kids is something I dread , mind you , but depending on them to be around to take me would be dreaded . 2 . To pray more for other moms who suffer from some kind of chronic illness that impacts their ability to function as a mother . I know from some of the mom - facebook groups I 'm in that there are a lot of moms out there who suffer like this . Trust me , after this minor stint at being somewhat incapacitated , I will pray even more for you when you ask me to ! Consider me weird , but the other day I found myself with some free time in the afternoon and I didn 't know what to do . On the rare occasions that that happens , my first reaction is to kind of get all anxious . . . like , what am I forgetting ? Surely I must be forgetting something . After I talk myself down from there , I think about things I might feel like doing . Most of the time , however , this free time isn 't long enough to really complete anything big . How about sitting outside , in the sunshine , with your cup of coffee and PRAYING ? Wow , what a novel idea , huh ? So that 's what I did . I forced myself to sit still , in the middle of the day , and just be quiet . No phone , no computer , no people . Just me and God . I don 't know why that is so hard sometimes . But then I finished my cup of coffee and realized it was time to start dinner so that 's what I did . It was a nice few minutes and it made me remember how important those few minutes of peace can be in the midst of our hectic lives . I hope you get a few minutes like that for yourself today ( even if they aren 't in the sun but are in the bathroom behind a locked door ; ) God Bless ! P . S . I originally shared this image on Instagram under my public profile : aplanforjoy . If you 're on Instagram , look me up ! Posted by Last summer , as I was planning for the school year , I knew that I wanted to revive our Read Aloud time . Like most homeschooling mothers of many children , I used to read aloud a lot when my oldest kids were little . As they grew and things got busy , reading aloud usually went out the window . Oh , every once in awhile we 'd grab a book and read it together , but never with any great frequency . I didn 't want to be overly ambitious knowing how our schedule can be , so I set out to read the following books this year . We began with " Kateri Tekawitha , Mohawk Maiden " by Evelyn M Brown . This is one of the Vision books on the saints and it was a great way to get our year started by learning about the early years of our country and the lives of the Indians . Next up I chose " Archimedes and the Door of Science " by Jeanne Bendick . This was a great book . We learned a lot and it was very entertaining at the same time . This corresponded to us learning about the ancient Greeks during our history time so it really helped to bring that time period to life . I would highly recommend this book to add to your Greek studies . To continue to tie in to our history , I decided to go to another Vision book and read " St . Paul the Apostle : The Story of the Apostle to the Gentiles " . What a fascinating book . I loved being able to tie together the events of all the Epistles from the Bible and trace out the life of this fascinating Saint . It was a very interesting story and it did a wonderful job tying together our history and religion . Our final book of the year was " Crusader King " by Susan Peek . This book was FANTASTIC . By far it was the best book we 've read in a long time . Talk about a page turner . We would forgo other school work just so we could read one more chapter . The story was about King Baldwin IV , King of Jerusalem , and the Crusades . I was so intrigued by the story that I did some additional research on him and that time period . I knew a bit about the Crusades from the perspective of Rome and the Pope but not from the perspective of those in Jerusalem . If you are studying this time period , I would highly recommend adding this book to your study . It was so good that , as I was reading aloud to my youngest two , others in the house would stop by and sit down to listen , too . So that 's all I had planned for read alouds for this year . I 'm thinking that it might be nice to do one over the summer but I have yet to pick one out . If anyone has any great recommendations that they 'd like to share that would be a fun and engaging summertime read , I would love to hear it . |
The best sex from Viva Riva : provocative and penetrating , humping and yowling , spewing and sexy , flamingly explicit and acrobatic . " sausages that have stability , length and bend … . can be great practice for swallowing . " Kola Boof : Tweet Verse " I am attracted to the natural power of sex and the man - made power of money . " Photographer Varun Baker gets the money shot in Kingston and Rio . " R for rent , S for sex , T for evermore taxing things . " Rustum Kozain in Adult Alphabet " Delhi : Double life of a woman : two husband and two religion . " Kai Fries has a secret pulp addiction " Could you please explain to me what you see as the story in the film ? " Kaganof vs the art professionals in Interactions : A Strategy of Difference and Repetition His name was Moradeyo , but we called him Facilitator . He was smooth , malleable as putty , his greasy manners oiled the clogged wheels of the deals that happened in our small town , once in a while . He grew up here , lived among us until nine years ago . Then his mother 's death scattered the family in different directions , like the grains of corn from a container that crashed , leaving the blind father stranded , all by himself , waiting on hope , waiting to be picked up , the lone grain buried somewhere in sand , beneath twigs . We always knew that Facilitator didn 't believe in anything , but we didn 't know what he would do to prove that . He only knew how to work hard , we 'd say ; he knew how to deal the cards . My brother , who was his friend and gave him the alias , used to say that the boy could sell his mother , that the poor woman had Death to thank , for her second son was scheming to palm her off for a fistful of cash . Who would buy her , for how much , to what use , my brother never said , preferring to intone , ' If there 's one person who will do anything to get money , it 's he . ' Facilitator , now close to his addressor , pulled a face . The mention of his mother was part of the game , but it came too early . The gathering under the acacia tree erupted into laughter , and when he made a rude sign at Taye , nobody really noticed . Once out of here Facilitator took the only job he could find , and it was not easy to get or keep . He worked the Borders , the No - Man 's - Land between the devil and deep - blue Atlantic . He took anything : used tyres , knocked - down vehicle parts , textiles , electronics , rice , shoes . He helped to move them where they should be moved . He picked out couriers by a mere ' shading ' of the eyes , a wave of the hand above the din that rose with the dust as a convoy of cars carrying contrabands zoomed like gunshots past the detour , several miles from the Borders . He had been at it for nine years , as soon , we surmised , as he beat the dust and stigma of his past out of his shirt . The job fitted Facilitator ; my brother visited him once and slept in his room fitted with new things . After three months . It seemed that this world had been waiting for him . In three years , maybe four , Facilitator attuned his body to the areas . All the signs of the hustler showed up on him : the unyielding listlessness , the yearning for visibility , the lack of shame and self - respect . He knew the right people , he became one of them , he became big in their hands ( he was not yet a big man ) by making them feel big . He knew the women . The tough mamas who had spoused with the Borders when they were still teenage girls , each coupling with a bushpath , each monogamously tied to a detour , observing with the routes the kind of chastening matrimony that was impossible in their lives . He knew the men too , the actual lords of the Borders . To say the least , since we knew little from this distance , it was a risky job . You had to know people , you had to become one of them . He did become one of them ; since they were big men and big women , Facilitator too became a big man . Like two hands washing each other , he liked to say , according to my brother who still reported his doings , mostly out of envy . It was through this kind of gossip that we kept abreast of Facilitator , in the nine years that he had been gone from here . Three months ago , we learnt that he bought a car . It was a used car , second - handed - down from the Cold North . But no matter ; no one had owned a car in this place in a long time . The only car ever claimed by someone from here ( quite different from the passenger vehicles that stopped plying our roads four years ago when they became unmanageable ) belonged to an official of the Party of the Right . It was a monument to the wild days . My brother hid inside its carcass , by the roadside across the school grounds , when he didn 't want to do chores . The party man 's enemies had waylaid him during the Farmers ' Uprising . They dragged him out of the Ford , hacked him prone , and doused the mess with petrol , which turned into a bonfire that blazed brighter than the high noon . You would think that Wetie ! was a thing of the past , but in this place , regarding the past , there was little difference between four years and four hundred years . So Facilitator owned a car . My brother , who had failed at various things - bus conductor , back - up singer for a fuji band , butcher 's apprentice , party thug - paid him a visit . He was himself trying to get into what everyone called ' the port business ' at the edge of the waters across the Borders , since Wharf and TinCan required the kind of guts he no longer possessed . He visited Facilitator to see if there was a way for him , too . In spite of the resentment , they continued to be friends . Facilitator was a generous man , and Taye was always in need . The day my brother visited , other friends were present . There was much to drink . The friends thought that Facilitator , now a big man , ought to come down home to have his car blessed by his blind father . It would lift the vegetating man 's spirits , they said . No one had given this family a chance , but see the way God works ? A man everyone had written off had bought a car , the second man to do so in the entire village . Facilitator , a reasonable man , saw their point , but his wife said No ! Our town , which she had never visited was , she opined , full of evil and spiteful people , who didn 't like to see a person succeed . They might cast a spell on the car 's engine , or turn something into a cat that ran across the road just when he was driving . Her husband wanted to know how she knew this ; he wanted her to be exact . Others nodded , but the wife remained unconvinced . Facilitator remarked that he had not seen his father in nine years . ' And when I was leaving , ' he said , turning to my brother , ' I didn 't tell you this , Taye , but I made a promise to my father that I will return to him , but not on foot . He knew what I meant . God has made it so . ' One week later , Facilitator brought his car home . My brother rode with him . It was the first vehicle to come to this place in four years , since the passenger lorry , Ledemsay , made its final trip . We said it was the bad roads , but we knew better . Or , we didn 't know better : we had no idea what had depleted the fleet of Ledemsay 's owner . When someone who used to have no longer did , we said it was an act of God . We rubbed our palms together in prayer , wishing his misfortunes didn 't spread to us . Since Ledemsay 's last trip , anyone traveling out of here walked the sixteen miles to the highway , the Express , where it was possible to catch a bus coming from the near North . Facilitator rode into the town early in the afternoon , his Datsun covered in the water - resistant dust of April . I watched him from my window ; I had been here only two weeks , on a research trip . He dropped my brother off at our house , near the outskirts . Then , trailed by a horde of excited kids and wonderstruck grownups , he cruised through the main street , heading for his family house at the edge of the bush . One elderly man walked up to the slow - moving car and raised his hand . The driver bowed in greeting . Facilitator stopped the car , got out , and prostrated to the man . Impressed by the praise he gave the man his fist , and returned to the car . The man watched him drive off . Nodding thoughtfully , he turned in the direction of our house , examining the currency in his hand . He paused under my window , looked back again at the spectacle of the constantly interrupted car , and muttered to himself : Many years ago , when Mr . Douglas still lived here , he would sidle up to me , eager to know what the man said , not minding that the astonished tone inflecting the words carried enough meaning . I wondered about that time , about my irritated paraphrases , and evasions if the comments were offensive . Were he here now , assuming he still required my services , I would mutter something about the greatness of God and the infinitude of human fate . Within an hour of Facilitator 's arrival , the ' Town Hall ' was raucous with noise . It was a squat building on a strip of land across from the acacia trees , and it had risen , I know , as a response to the degradation that had befallen our town : it helped the people 's civic pride to erect a hall when all else was going to seed . A part of it was visible from my window , but I would have to step out if I wanted to see the car . I had the urge to go walking by , but I decided to watch , knowing that Taye would return to brief me . He had long swaggered out the house ; he was the celebrant 's best friend , and he had to support him . The house was quiet . A moment later , I saw my mother saunter out , a shawl on her head . Like everyone else , she would walk by the hall , hoping Facilitator would notice her . Failing that , she would go and greet his father . Since my arrival two weeks ago , I had not moved about much , outside of biking to the farms where I interviewed the extension service agents who bypassed our town in their Land Rovers . I had my reservations about Facilitator 's character , and I knew he would be eager for my approval . Finally , I too yielded to my curiosity . The car was parked outside the building , a short distance from Galilee , Ma Israel 's drinking shack that , with the acacias , the doctor 's Hill House , and the town hall ( sometimes called ' Community Center ' ) formed the town square . I noticed Ma Israel at the store - front . Usually , she provided the drinks for occasions such as this ; it was a common sight to see her workers darting about with cartons of beer and soft drinks . Now she stood alone , surly and irritable , and she pointedly ignored my greetings at the moment my brother flipped open the car 's boot to ease out a carton of Star beer . Facilitator had brought his own party things . Taye saw me , and smiling guiltily , slipped into the hall . From the opposite direction , I saw Facilitator 's father being led along . I paused by the Datsun . It had been painted anew in that hurried , functional way of dedicated artisans . The sheen of the bodywork dazzled in the sun , its stink of emulsion rising like a swarm of gnats to assail my nostrils . The blind father was led into the hall . As I walked past , I saw someone call Facilitator outside . The two men bent down to whisper , and the young car - owner blurted out : A quarter of an hour later , I returned from my walk . The hall was rowdy in a pleasant way . Lively dance - music blared out , rigged from a dry - cell - battery cassette player . A band of kids tussled over a bottle of Coca - Cola . Next to the car , there were two sacks . I remembered the man who had whispered to the car owner . Apparently he wanted a ride to the City ; there was no telling when the next car would stray to our town , and the extension service people gave no lifts . A goat ambled by , and started picking at one of the sacks . Out of reflex , I stomped the ground to scare it off . But moments later , it returned . A little girl , ten at the most , broke off the band fighting for a sip of the warm Coke . She picked a pebble and threw it at the adamant goat . The stone flew , missed its target , bumped against the sack , and landed on the car 's front windscreen with the lightness of a butterfly 's perch . It didn 't make a clean piercing , but cracked at the edgy glass , whose whinny ripples turned the crystal silver of the windscreen into an opaque sheet , slowly misted by the disturbing impact of stone on hot glass . A noise welled up all around , while the goat scurried off , a piece of green plantain in her mouth . The clamor overwhelmed the sound of merriment inside the hall . A few people tumbled out , Facilitator ahead of them . A glance at the spreading mist of his windscreen was enough to rile the young man , who piled his hands on his head : Without another word , he ran inside the car and kicked it alive , forcing Taye to struggle with the other door . He raised a heavy dust as he backed out of the dead - end lying between Galilee and the hall , and once my brother managed to get a foot in , the car made a murderous turn that sent the few sympathizers fleeing for safety . The cloud of dust was the last thing we saw . Silence fell all around . The bickering kids had gone totally quiet , and the girl who threw the stone was now drenched in her own tears . A boy led Facilitator 's father back to the house at the edge of the bush . The owner of the load stood like a stump , plantains dangling from his hands . The elderly man who had marveled at the ways of God leaned on the largest of the acacia trees , muttering . Then he beckoned the man with the plantains . It started raining at about seven o ' clock that evening . I was trying to read by the light of the storm lantern . Taye slipped out of the house , and when my mother called out to him , he responded with a careless sound that the rain swallowed up . The roads were bad . Facilitator was close to the market village ten miles to the Express when his car ran into a ditch , partly because , with the windscreen now an opaque whiteness , he could not see far ahead . The force of the car entering the crater crashed the weakened glass into a pile across the dashboard , and allowed a deluge to gush at him . He soldiered on , driving against the rain and the wind , until both ceased to matter , until he got to the market village , and decided to maneuver the vehicle under a stall by the side of the road . The headlights shone on a man lying on a bench at the far end of the stall , who scrambled to a sitting position . ' Are we safe ? ' the man asked , and a report accompanied his question : he was drunk . Facilitator , whose time at the Borders had put him in touch with army top brass , understood the question : it belonged to the vocabulary of soldiers . Feeling his way out of the car , the sound of his shaky hands heard through the car keys , he laughed and offered the appropriate response : ' No cause for alarm . ' ' If so , then make yourself at home . ' The man moved a little on the bench so Facilitator could sit . The car 's headlights were bright , and each man saw the other 's face . Bentigoor was quiet for a while . Finally , he felt his pocket for something . He gave the flashlight to Facilitator to free his hand . After the sound of a closing door , the voice came through again : ' Bentigoor , alias palmwine drinkard ! One day , the thirsty jerry can inside your stomach crying to be fill with Paraga will take pity on you and set you free ! Bentigoor , are you deaf or ignoring me ? ' ' You see this Trebor ? Even if I drink thirty thousand pails of ogogoro and Paraga , once I chew three of this thing , that 's the end . My mouth will smell , I will be belching , but I will know what I 'm doing . You must be a man … ' ' Show respect , Isioma ! This is a visitor . Don 't you have eyes ? As I was saying , my friend , there 's nothing coming from above that is too big for the ground . You bought this one , and you will buy a bigger one . A solution may be small , but is bigger than the problem . ' ' Thank you , ' Facilitator said . ' It 's what I told my wife . People will see the car 's blessing , and that will be the correct insurance . It did not work out that way . ' ' I said , No problem . We are all together . You can 't go tonight . Sleep in our house . ' He turned to his wife still towering over them : ' Food will ready when you come inside to cut the meat . ' She turned and went back into the house , the level of the rain rising as her umbrella unfurled again . Midway , she paused : The two men sat in the dark while it rained . Facilitator 's listless hands played with the car - keys . Bentigoor had resumed his supine position , his back slightly raised , resting on a post upholding the stall . ' I like you , and I respect you , ' Bentigoor said , with touching thoughtfulness . ' I am also like that . My wife followed me all the way from Delta because she saw me like that . But now she complain about my drinking . ' They were quiet again , and Facilitator 's keys had found a resting place in his pocket . ' Before she starts shouting again , let us go inside , ' Bentigoor said finally , rising . Walking ahead , he stopped just as he went past the car : ' Oh , ' said Facilitator . ' It is the rest of the drinks we were using to wash the car . I think the bottles broke because of the bad road . ' Late that night , after the rain had dropped to a mere drizzle , Facilitator and a few friends that Bentigoor had rallied from the village sat over the beers rescued from the car . Isioma , it turned out , was not averse to guzzling . Although no one invited her , she joined them on the pretext that her mouth was not at the washerman 's . She opened a bottle with her teeth , bent a tumbler in her left hand , and filled it to the brim , lapping the foam with a relish that elicited a sudden , unified noise from the men : ' Okay . I know the beer is entering your sense . ' He rose and went to open the door , but instead of letting the intruder in , he remained at the threshold , his back to the rest of the drinking company . ' Yes ? ' he began , but seemed to change his mind . ' Ha ! This is a delegation . Two , three … five . No , four people . Also a small boy . Isioma , please bring the lantern . ' Bentigoor walked away from the door followed by four people , including Taye , whom Facilitator recognized the instant the visitors came within the glare of the light . Bentigoor was right ; it was a delegation from our town : Taye ; the old man who 'd paused below my window ; the man with the sack of farm produce ; and the little girl who threw the pebble that shattered the windscreen . Facilitator rose to meet them , and the revelers stood up one after the other , making space for the company dripping with rain . Just as he had when passing a gift of cash to the old man , he went down on his hands , prostrate . The old man spoke , and the night listened . He stared at the floor and spoke in short sentences . For a long time he spoke . He did not tell a tale , and this disappointed his listeners , including the night , the revelers , and Facilitator , the man at the center of the gathering . He did not talk about the accident . From what he said , this is what Taye recalled : ' Moradeyo , listen well . Taboos arise when the world is full of uncertainties . There is order in our world . God is great . Fate is infinite . Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring . Sometimes we don 't understand what yesterday has revealed to us . When a meteor falls from the sky , nobody knows where it lands . This does not trouble the world . The same face is home to laughter and to tears . All is well with reconciliation . Let there be restitution first . Let the world live inside you . This is why we have come . A long speech is a haven of lies . ' The old man had made a long speech but his truth was patient . Facilitator too stared at the floor . Taye gripped his shoulders , and when his friend turned to look at him , his face broke into a smile . In the morning , the old man was gone , with the little girl , and the man with the sack of plantains . Taye woke up on the wooden bench and , finding the house quiet , moved toward the door . There was no one in sight . From where he stood , his view of the market area was blocked by an ailing stall directly in front of the house . Farther down , in the general direction of the village 's outskirts , on the way to the Express , came the regulated sound of hammer on wood . He turned back into the house , listening . He had dropped out of the drinking company soon after the meal hurriedly prepared by Isioma ; Taye might boast about his toughness , but a night tired him out fast . Dropping into a slumber , he had felt estranged from whatever bond the mixture of warm - hearted beers and gins with the old man 's conciliatory words had created . He was not surprised to have woken up alone ; what intrigued him was the absolute silence of the house . The market was not in session ; it convened every five days . But the villagers made use of some of the stalls , and seeing people clustered around a grate here , a table mounted with a basin of boiled rice there , he was amazed at the power of the initial silence in the midst of these activities . Others might have wondered about the meaning of a discrepancy , but Taye was more interested in what he could see . Next to the food - seller was a man splitting wood upon an upturned mortar - the sound of hammer was not as distant as he 'd thought , and it was not a hammer . It was an axe . When he was close enough to be noticed by the man chopping wood , he realized the source of the laughter , and was relieved . Halfway to the edge of the bush where the village ended stood a group of people around a car , and among them , Taye saw his friend . He walked up to them . There were three men besides Facilitator . Bentigoor was not in the group . There were men who crowded around the remainder of Facilitator 's drinks the previous night , before and after the old man 's benediction . Now Taye recognized one of them , but didn 't know his name . ' Morning , ' he said , with a good - natured parting of his lips . Unsure who he was , they nodded , striking the sullen poise of strangers who would help if they knew what was required . Facilitator replied him : Taye was intrigued . Something about the people was unsettling . How had Facilitator managed to know these people in such a short time , even without Bentigoor , the friend he 'd met in a moment of desperation ? He contributed to the titters , and shuffled around . Facilitator moved closer to him and , wordless , pointed . Taye followed the finger and his sight came to rest on the car , and then he saw it : the car 's windscreen . It was there , sure and clean as new , as if it came with the car . ' That moment , ' he told me later that day , ' was when I saw myself unlike him . What I could not be . The things I used to fear about him were crawling all over me . ' ' It 's not me , ' Mayor said , seriously . ' You have Brigadier - General to thank . He 's not here , but his spirit is here with us . ' Taye did not understand what had happened , but it was clear that Facilitator had solved his problem . He continued to stare around , as if hoping that the riddle would yield its own truth if he waited long enough . But the longer he stared the less wanted he felt in their midst . Once the name Brigadier - General was mentioned , Facilitator didn 't bother to look in his direction again . Indeed , they suddenly got clannish and retreated some way off , leaving him to wonder . He wandered back to the house , and found Bentigoor in the kitchen , skinning a wild - rabbit . ' I went to check my traps , but I knew it would happen . Is just a matter of time . Brigadier Igida make everything happen here . ' He turned to look at Taye who stood over him , unable to move or speak . ' Your friend understand life better . To people who don 't understand life , it will surprise them . ' He pulled a bowl of soapy water closer , and threw his knife in it . He picked up a small machete , and began to file it on a whetstone . Bentigoor took the carcass in one hand , and the machete in the other . He paused , as if to listen . He did not shift his gaze from the small counter on which the meat rested . Then , very haltingly , as though unsure of his words , said : ' Never ask the coconut how come it has water , since it has strong shell . Otherwise , it is angry and dry up the sea . And sea never dry . ' |
I have to say I was impressed with Sunday . She remembered how to get to the barn the next day all on her own . Just maybe horses are not as dumb as I thought . Of course , my mother was one of the smartest horses I have ever known , but then , I might be prejudiced . So all is well with the closed fence , and I do not feel guilty . I enjoy my little pen a lot , but sure wish the trees were not behind an electric fence . My favorite spot is standing under the overhang outside my stall . I feel lucky because I am the only one who can get under it during the day ; the rest are turned out in a big pen . I wondered about going out with all of them , but I think Rose will not let me . She says I am doing very well and we should not tempt fate . I come out now and stand straight in the barn for my treatments . Today I had a different kind . It was a sort of massage tool that her husband who was a chiropractor had used an ' adjuster . ' It sounds sort of like a machine gun and feels like a vibrator . I was rather shocked when I heard it , but because I am very well behaved , I just stood there . The treatment was wonderful and Rose sure found some sore spots , now in my shoulders . Karen had said that riding in Northern California was rather severe as the mountain paths are really very steep . Again I was careful not to lick and chew or blow my nose . I kept my feelings hidden , but when she was finished and put me back , I couldn 't hold it in any longer and I think I did that stuff for a full two minutes straight . Wonder why we equines do that ? It really seems rather silly . I heard some fantastic news the last time Karen was out . She and Rose were visiting and Rose said I could stay here as long as Karen needed me to . She said I was no trouble at all . I was so happy ! Rose said that her very special horse , Praise Hallelujah , had passed over the Rainbow Bridge in February , and she had that empty stall that just seemed to need another occupant . She laughed with Karen and said , " You know how it is in a barn with an empty stall ! " Rose said she thought about adopting a rescue horse but nothing seemed to " click . " So she just put it out into the Universe and waited . Well , I think she was just waiting for me ! Maybe her special Praise Hallelujah who was a Tennessee Walking Horse , had something to do with it all . Read about him and the other horses in Rose 's life in " The Horse That Wouldn 't Trot . " It is a horse book , but still worth reading . Karen is reading that one now . I will tell you how she likes it later . I am very happy now and am signing off from the blog news . Rose says she might make it into a children 's book and let me tell stories about her other mules . I think that might be a super idea . Do you ? September 12 , 2016 Rose Miller Uncategorized 2 Comments Karen came out again . I really enjoy her visits . She grooms , fusses over me and then takes me out to eat grass . AND I get to scratch myself on the juniper trees if I want to . Karen told Rose that I have always done that , but that I really respect electric fences , so if she wanted to fence me away from those little Pinyons , I wouldn 't bother it . Later Bob fixed that up and now I have my own little pen where they think I cannot get into trouble . By making my fence , it closed part of the other large pen off , so those other mules have to backtrack to get to the barn . Well , it was so funny last night at feeding time . Daisy had figured it out and was standing by the barn door . I think she maybe the smartest , at least when it comes to food . Ruth and Susie and Sunday were standing by the closed gate , thinking Rose would come and open it for them because that is closer to the barn . Rose thought they should figure out how to get to the barn themselves since apparently I am going to be here awhile . She went to that gate , shook a rope and yelled , " Shoo ! " Susie and Ruth immediately galloped down the fence , made the abrupt left turn and ran to the barn . Not Sunday . Sometimes I wonder how horses survive . She just made little half circles and kept coming back to the gate . Rose gave up and led her to the left turn . I am curious whether she has learned how to do it , or how many times it will take to figure it out . Glad we have that donkey blood - we are thinkers ! Also when Karen came , I showed her the mule trick of being very lame . She was impressed . Rose told her that when Ruth Ann was very lame with high ringbone in the right front ankle , she did that lame trick by putting her leg way out from her body . Rose did know she was lame , but Ruth was not going to let her forget . Now Ruth is ok . Rose gives her turmeric capsules every day and that worked as well as Bute . I am on turmeric now too . I hope it helps me . Also Ruth does not do the lame thing anymore . I guess we have to be sure and only use that lame trick when we really need it . We animals can communicate , our humans just need to listen . Rose told Karen the story of her feral barn kitties . They are fairly tame , but not like house cats . The little black female showed up one day with really bad runny eyes . Rose put medicine in but the very interesting part of the story is that Lucy , the cat , showed up like clockwork twice a day for her treatments . That went on for about ten days ! Now anyone who knows cats knows they don 't like stuff put in their eyes , or anywhere else probably , but Lucy knew she needed help . Then one morning , no Lucy . Next time Rose saw her , her eyes were just fine . Every now and then Lucy needs help for a day or two and she lets Rose know . I never really thought that cats were very smart , but maybe they are ! Karen had told me she couldn 't come today because she had to go to Phoenix to see the doctor . Poor Karen . She had a really awful accident a few weeks ago . We had been riding at Granite Mountain , got back to the trailer and Karen fell off her step stool , landed on her outstretched hand , and broke both the bones in her lower left arm . Her cell phone didn 't have service , so she had to walk up to the road for help . A nice man from Zebrascapes landscaping stopped and called the ambulance . I felt so awful , but glad that I hadn 't caused it . She had to go to Phoenix for her surgery . Nice friends took me home and cared for me , but I was sure worried . Today when Rose got me out of my stall I was suspicious . I was feeling better ; maybe she might want to ride me ? Karen had let another person ride me when she broke her arm , and Rose had just gotten back from riding Susie . I didn 't want to do that , so I did the " mule fake . ' As soon as she tied me up , I leaned into the cross tie and buckled my right front leg . It looks funky because I have a knot on that knee , but it really doesn 't hurt . Then I took all the weight off my bad hind leg . Believe me it was a little hard standing up with two legs pretending to hurt . Rose just laughed . " Oh Lottie , " she said , " I am on to those tricks . Ruth Ann does them all the time . Besides I do not want to ride you . You are a funny girl . " Then I moved over and stood up straight . Well , it was worth a try . Maybe this person does know a little about mules . After all she did write that book about us ! After my laser and liniment treatment , some fly spray and my fly mask put on , she put me back in my stall , but today was different because she opened my gate and let me out in a larger pen . I walked around it , looking at the scenery . It sure is pretty here . My leg was doing really well . I wondered what mischief I might find for myself just to brighten up my day . After all , I am only thirty , not dead . Rose was tacking up Ruth Ann to ride . I moseyed over to a small Pinyon pine tree in my enclosure . It was about five feet tall . Humm , wonder if it would make a good scratcher ? What I did not know is that Rose really loves her Pinyons . She sprays them with something that makes them taste funny and no one wants to eat them . I see that the other mules have really demolished the junipers in that area . When Rose came out to mount Ruth she saw me and yelled . Well , I totally ignored that . My friends do not yell at me . Maybe she was yelling at someone else . She tied up Ruth and came over and shooed me away from the tree . Dang , I was just getting the hang of this . I had stepped over the tree and was moving back and forth scratching my belly . Rose wasn 't laughing now . I moved away and waited until she got out of the gate and started to get on Ruth , then walked over the tree again . Paradise . It felt sooo good to have a belly scratcher . This time Rose was rather irate , but nice about it . She put her hand under my muzzle and I let her lead me back into my stall area . Bummer . Later when she let all the horses out in their large enclosure , she let me out again . I have to admire her willingness to give me a second chance , but really , what was she thinking ? I had found a good thing . I walked around some and acted like I didn 't even see the little tree , so she left , but told one of the workers who was helping Bob to call if I did the tree scratch again . Another bummer . I did , he did and Rose did . This time I got put back in my stall . Sigh . It sure was fun while it lasted … Karen came to see me today . That made me really happy . We animals can read minds , you know , but sometimes we are not sure we have it right . I was 99 % sure Karen had not sold me to Rose . Rose is nice , but she will never be my Karen . So I was glad to see her again . Rose and Karen talked about the high sill from my stall to outside . The first day I could hardly raise my bad left hind leg over it and Rose was worried that might make my leg worse . She talked to her son , Bob , and he said he could make a small ramp , but by the next day after my laser treatments , I could do the sill just fine . Karen thought we should leave it for my ' therapy . ' Rose asked Karen if she wanted me to have a haircut . My mane had been growing out . If you don 't know about mule manes , well they are not usually pretty like a horse 's . They mostly stand up straight and if longer , fall over , but in a strange way . Karen said , " Yes , do it ! " So I got a beauty treatment . Also got my eye hairs trimmed because they were sort of in my eyes . Rose left the muzzle hairs so I could find my hay and obstacles better . Next Karen took me out on a rope to eat some Arizona monsoon grass . Boy was that a treat ! All the other mules were jealous , I know they were . Poor Sunday , she really was because she loves to eat . Rose took pity on them and since it was close to feeding time , she let them inside the barn . Things are looking up for me . My leg feels better , Karen is still my heartmate , and the food is good . What more can an older mule want ? My name is Lottie . I am a mule . I belong to Karen who I love very much . We have been together for thirty years because I am thirty and I was born on her farm . A few weeks ago I hurt my stifle and back . Yes , I know , mules are supposed to be accident free because we are very smart and take care of ourselves , but what can I say . ? Maybe that I am old and forgot something . Karen was very upset , I don 't think with me , hopefully just that I got hurt somehow . She met a new friend named Rose . Rose has mules too , and wrote a book about them . I bet it is a good one . ( MULES , MULES AND MORE MULES ) Karen asked Rose to come visit me and see if she knew what my problem was . Rose told Karen that on a whim , she put her treatment laser in the car . Not sure it was a whim , I think I told her and because she tries to listen to her animals talk to her , she heard me . People wonder how we animals know these things ; I cannot explain it either , but suggest you humans just accept we are very special creatures . I know Rose was sad to see me . My back was humped and my left foot was off the ground . It really hurt somewhere . I had to walk a distance to an electric outlet for my laser treatment . It was hard , but I hoped this laser thing would help so I put on my big girl mule panties and ' ponied up . ' I didn 't really feel anything as she held the laser on my back along the spine and then the stifle , but when she was done , I felt my tummy gurgle . I hadn 't felt like eating my breakfast hay and left a lot of it in the feeder . Rose was impressed . She told Karen that was a good thing . She also said that mules are pretty stoic and hers didn 't show that the treatments had helped by blowing their noses , licking and chewing or shaking their heads like horses do . Yes , we mules are funny that way . Keep the people guessing is our motto . But I couldn 't control my tummy , so Rose figured it had helped . Well , let me tell you : I could sure walk back to the stall better . Karen and Rose were happy . Rose said she had never seen a laser treatment work that fast . I just smiled . When I got back to my hay feeder , I dove in and started eating . I did feel better ! Rose told Karen that if it helped and she wanted to take me to her Little Bit of Heaven Ranch , she would treat me more . It did help and I felt better and could stand a little on the bad left leg . Karen called the vet too . I really like Dr . Killistrom . He was kind and gentle and sad that I was hurt . He told her he thought I had pulled the stifle and my back and butt when I tried to get up after rolling . Maybe that did it . If so , then I am not to blame . Those things just happen especially when you get older . He gave her some medicine and thought the laser thing would be great . Karen 's friend Charlie said he would trailer me , but it rained and rained and rained and Chino Valley had flood warnings posted . We had to wait , but on Sunday I loaded in the trailer and I was off to a new adventure . Since mules ( and maybe horses ) can read minds , I was getting an impression of my new herd mates from Rose . I knew she would keep me safe and I would do my mule girl part to stay out of more trouble . I was a little worried about Sunday Praise , the only horse on the ranch . I had heard she was a real bitch . Oops , can I say that ? The other three equines were mules , and I was sure I could get along with them . Karen gave me some medicine to make the trip more comfortable , but really , I was feeling much better . I loaded and unloaded and traveled well . The mule , Daisy Mae , was calling when the trailer pulled up . She sounded ok . I had heard that she and Sunday had a feud going on . Sunday is boss but Daisy wants to be , so that could be interesting . However , I have no intention of being a boss , so we should be friends . The barn was nice , clean and quiet and still cool at late morning . The other mules and Sunday looked at me as I walked in . I bet they didn 't see many white mules ! But they were okay with my color . I am an Appaloosa mule and at one time I was beautiful with many spots - a leopard , but I lost them as I aged ; now I am just white . Karen doesn 't care ; she loves me no matter what color I turned out to be . I was put in a stall which was pleasant . It had a small turn out area and Rose told Karen I would stay there to be safe , but the other mules and of course , Sunday , could come up to the fence . She asked Karen if I would mind my own business because she said the others would be " in my face " over the fence . Hey , I am old and wise . I know how to handle that problem : keep away from the fence . No worries here . Karen brought some hay and my grain and supplements , but to be honest , I liked Rose 's hay better . She said it was from a neighbor 's hay field . Yumm . I got some as a treat . The others were turned outside to eat hay , but I stayed in my nice safe stall area . I could see them and they could come up and touch my nose if I wanted , over the stall , but I kept to myself . Actually so far Daisy seems the friendliest . I hope she knows I will cause her no problem . She can be boss over me . Susie had her ears back . I thought she was the sweetest , according to Rose . Maybe she has that wrong . Ruth Ann ignored me . She is older too and has arthritis . Maybe she thought it not worth her time to bother with me . We shall see , I guess . Sunday came up to my stall front and stuck her nose out , but she had her ears up , so I guess she was being friendly . Then she spun around and chased Daisy . Glad I am in my stall ! July 15 , 2016 Rose Miller Uncategorized Leave a comment This is a shared post from a friend on her Facebook page . She is an ardent animal lover and defender . She has rescued many different ones : dogs , cats , horses and more . Those of us who rescue always have this argument with ourselves : Is it OK to buy a purebred puppy ? I have been there . My opinion at least for myself is : I can do both … And I believe in those " meant to be " moments . Scott and I have been discussing Miracle , my black cat , at length . I truly do believe she will not make it to the end of the year . She is having lots of problems that are beyond her regular problems of being The Spawn of Satan . Socks also isn 't doing well physically , although her only problem is arthritis that she refuses to take medication for . Otherwise , she 's fine . We also have run across a lot of stray kittens that need homes lately . So we talked about adopting two kittens . Instead , a good friend here on FB told me about this : a 14 - week - old collie puppy who needs a home . She is one of two pups left from the litter that Lynne got her pup from . The cost is minimal and she will be delivered to me from Arkansas next week rather than having to fly her in . She is fully vaccinated , so all I have to do is get her spayed . And well , it was so easy to do this that I believe that this was Meant To Be . So now for the inevitable : we all know I 'm anti - breeding when there are so many dogs out there that need homes . Yes , I got a puppy . Yes , I got her from a breeder . Look , I know I 'm being a hypocrite . But I have to say that many of your stories , particularly from three friends has got me thinking . And a BIG THANKS to you three and other friends of mine for this . Triss and Treve came with baggage from being tossed around so much and not getting a stable start to life . Both have separation anxiety issues . Triss particularly does not like riding in cars , and she has developed a severe fear of traffic since her accident . Treve has always been afraid of cars . They have NEVER tried to get out of the yard since their " adventure " , and I have decided that I 'm going to say that is a healthy fear and am going to keep it . So no more walkies for them - if I take them anywhere , it will be a dog park or to walk park trails . The one dog that we had that didn 't have baggage was Bliss , a collie we took in who was a former show dog . She was a steady eddy who could handle anything . But she was the dog I could take anywhere any time I wanted . She was quiet and easy - going and got along with every person and animal she met . In short , she was my sidekick . We lost her too soon to cancer . I have wanted a sidekick pet since I was a kid . That one animal that went with me everywhere . Well , after all of these rescues and one rescue not working out at all , I have learned that rescuing an animal is great and I won 't stop doing it . It also means that you have to deal with baggage with rescue animals , and sometimes that baggage can never be overcome without paying for a lot of training and taking a lot of time to do it . While I could go to a trainer and work with Triss , honestly , it 's going to take a lot more work than I am willing to give time to with my jobs being so random . So I can now start with a fresh mind , so to speak . A dog with no baggage and that has started life in the same kind of environment that I have my dogs in . This lovely lady comes from a ranch - type home where the owners do not breed for show . These are pet dogs that are very healthy and have tons of exposure to other animals and children . I would like to try agility or even get her certified for service in going to children 's hospitals or nursing homes . I am too afraid of getting hurt with horses to work with them on showing or anything like that anymore , and Arcus is just a great trail horse and driving horse for light riding . That 's all I need now . The other thing is I hated the idea of taking Triss to events but leaving Treve at home . I know he 'd deal with it , but he was a dog who had separation anxiety when I got him , so why potentially spark that again ? Now two dogs will be at home while I can take the new pup everywhere . I won 't worry about either Triss or Treve being alone . Perhaps this is me justifying my own NEVERS and ALWAYSES . But I need to be honest with myself and with my friends who know me well when it comes to animals . I have had to make major changes since my broken wrist that has limited my abilities , both physical and mental . Horse activities just aren 't something I 'm doing much of anymore by myself . A puppy will give me the fresh mind I need and the companion that can help me with my health as well so I will get out and DO stuff . Plus dogs are a lot easier to take places than horses are ! Soooooo , meet Toffee ! So named because of her coat color . Her right eye is partially blue . Mom is a sable ; daddy is a blue merle . She was born on St . Patrick 's Day of this year , so her registered name will have " Irish Toffee " in it somewhere … . . " Thanks Friend for sharing your heartfelt angst at the possibility of having the doggie of your dreams . I am glad you are doing it . And thanks for allowing me to share you story . I am endeavoring to write a new book about ranch gals . I have personally met several fabulous ladies , enjoyed their stories and decided they would make a super good book . It takes more time as first I have to find them . A couple are neighbors . Then I interview and then write up our conversations . Because the stories are really good and at this point I do not know if or when they will become an actual book , I have posted 3 on my website http : / / www . rosemiller . net under " Ranch Women Stories . " I will post more as they are finished . I hope you enjoy these stories of truly wonderful ladies . http : / / www . rosemiller . net / # ! ranch - women - stories / wm03y Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
While walking through the Ehrengräber something bright pink caught my attention in the sea of grey headstones . I walked through some hedges and came upon a much more contemporary section of grave art . I apologize I 'm not familiar with most of the people , but it appears many of them were artists , actors , and musicians . Please enjoy : The cemetery has between 20 - 25 burials daily and has plenty of room for new burials . The newer sections are of course not as ornately decorated as the old . Unfortunately , I did not make it to the Jewish cemetery sections which are further away from the church in the center . I hope to make it back to explore more of the cemetery in the future . In the meantime , here are some more of my favorites from this visit . Okay , so remember when I mentioned Mozart a little earlier ? He 's not actually buried in the Vienna Central Cemetery , but there is an honorary cenotaph there for him . He was one of the most influential composers in history and made a great impact in Viennese culture during his time and into modern times . He died young at the age of 35 , leaving behind a widow and two young children . The cause of his death has been debated and ranges from a prolonged illness , a sudden illness , or a poisoning . The manner of his burial is also highly debated and this is where the story gets interesting . Previous versions of Mozart 's death stories account that he died a derelict pauper unable to find work as a musician due to the ongoing Turkish War and was buried in a common , unmarked pauper 's grave in St . Marx Cemetery . What is probably more true is that he was buried in the normal manner for his time which was to be buried in a shroud , rather than a coffin , in an unmarked or plainly marked grave . Because of this , it quickly became difficult to identify the exact location of his resting place . Even after extensive research , they have not been able to identify the location with any certainty . Because of this an honorary tomb was erected for him in the field where he was most likely buried . This tomb was moved to the Zentralfriedhof in 1891 on the 100th anniversary of his death . Another memorial was erected in St . Marx to commemorate his burial in that cemetery . So let me tell you a little more about St . Marx and my visit there . The cemetery was closed for burials in 1874 and fell into disrepair . It began restoration and was open to the public for visiting in 1937 . It is unclear how many burials there are in the cemetery due to the common graves , but it is considerably smaller than the Zentralfriedhof . You can get to it on the same trolley line as the Zentralfriedhof , but the entrance is not located directly on the line and is about a half mile walk from the trolley stop . The day I visited St . Marx was very different from the day I visited the central cemetery . It was grey , freezing , and flurries of snow were falling from the sky . It is apparently a very beautiful place to visit in the spring when hedges of lilac are in full bloom . Unfortunately , during my very frigid winter visit everything appeared dead and quite haunting , especially since there was no one else visiting the cemetery that day . This definitely resembled the morbid image of cemeteries which many people hold . Upon entering the cemetery there is a map and signs that point you to the honorary marker for Mozart . It is located almost in the middle of the cemetery and it was very well kept and felt almost out of place in this cemetery as it was the only part that seemed managed at all . Walking through the cemetery was kind of heartbreaking actually . The city website giving details about the cemetery , which is also considered a park , states that clearing work is underway as well as a project to catalog the graves there . But as you can see from some of the photos below it is difficult to imagine trying to identify many of the marked graves here as many of the headstones have fallen into such a state of decay and disrepair . I still found a comforting beauty in the disarray though . Even as many of the headstones were worn and eroding , you could tell that the markers were crafted with care and precision , much like the ones in the Zentralfriedhof . Unfortunately , I did not get to explore the cemetery as much as I would have liked because it began to snow , and I could not stand the cold much longer ( Florida girl in me ) . You can find some of my favorite photos below as well as some of the devastating state of the cemetery . I think people underestimate how beautiful historical grave art can be and think of cemeteries as morbid places . There were so many amazing sculptures in these cemeteries , while many were expressions of grief , there were also many celebrating life , love , and joy . I think it 's important to remember that grave art is erected to remember those we 've lost . Sometimes we express it in the unbearable grief their loss has brought upon us , and other times we remember how much their life meant to us and brought us happiness . Although I would have liked to have spent more time in both of these places , I feel very fortunate to have been able to visit two mesmerizing cemeteries in Vienna , one built with purpose and still in use today , and the other a reminder of how we should work to remember and preserve the memories of those who came before us . Today I am proud to welcome guest blogger and friend Keila to the blog ! Keila and I have had many adventures together and she recently went to Vienna and got to see some incredible historic cemeteries . This is a longer post - but her photos are awesome and I wanted to include as many as possible . So - enjoy ! I was lucky enough to be able to visit Vienna , Austria this Christmas . While Austria and Germany are known for their amazing Christmas markets and famous gluhwein ( holiday mulled wine ) I was excited to visit for another reason , the Zentralfriedhof ( Central Cemetery ) . The Vienna Central Cemetery is one of the world 's largest cemeteries and is the largest in Europe for the number interred there , over 3 million . It is only a short trolley ride from the center of the city and has a dedicated bus line inside in order to help people get around the massive area more easily . There are three gates ( tors ) at the front of the cemetery for people to enter , with Tor 2 being the main entrance . Foot traffic is free , but there is a toll to get in with a vehicle . This cemetery is unique to most in Europe because unlike many others it was planned . City leaders realized that the city 's population was growing and a large cemetery would be needed to accommodate burials . The opening of the cemetery was also quite controversial as it was one of the first mixed faith cemeteries with a large Catholic section , a Protestant section , and two Jewish sections ( there are now also Muslim , Buddhist , and Russian Orthodox burials in the cemetery ) . There is also a church located in the center of the cemetery called Karl - Borromäus - Kirche ( Charles Borromeo Church ) . It is built in the Art Nouveau style and has undergone several renovations after being bombed during World War II and then later being damaged by subsidence and dampness . There is a crypt beneath the church with the most notable burial being Karl Lueger , a former mayor of Vienna , which has led to the church also being deemed the Karl Lueger Memorial Church . The day I visited was one of the warmer days of my stay in Vienna with it being in the high 40s . It was sunny and rather pleasant , with a slight breeze . There were many more people there than I expected . Many who also appeared to just be visiting the cemetery in general . When I first entered the cemetery I was struck by how vast it seemed . I was knowingly disappointed that I would not have enough time to explore the whole cemetery , but very excited to see what I could . After walking through the massive gate , I was greeted by two mausoleums on each side of the road . Each contains 36 crypts . These were the most beautifully decorated crypts I have ever seen and each one had me in awe at the exquisitely unique and detailed artwork . After passing through these awe - inspiring crypts , it was difficult to decide which way to go next . I did what most people do naturally and went to my right . I walked past some very interesting looking headstones , some with trees ( purposefully ) growing through them , others which were raw stone . Something caught my eye in the distance and I began making my way toward it . Those who are familiar with cemeteries know they are full of statues of the Virgin Mary or veiled angels and women . I thought I was going to come across a statue of Mary holding up Christ , especially when I noticed that the figure was holding someone . When I finally reached it , it was so much better than I thought . Instead of the Virgin , I was facing Death himself , holding his latest passenger . The statue was faceless and had vines growing on it which made it even more hauntingly beautiful and it is my favorite piece of cemetery art to date . I feel like it was speaking to me in a way no other piece has . The passenger appeared calm and relaxed in Death 's grasp , and it reminded me that death comes for us all , but it is not something to be feared . Another interesting fact about this cemetery is that it is the resting place for many famous composers , artists , actors , musicians , scientists , and other notable people from history . Due to its unpopularity after opening because of its distance from the city , officials set aside an honorary grave area ( Ehrengräber ) . This part of the cemetery was definitely the most crowded with tourists . They moved several famous people from other cemeteries here in order to boost the reputation of the cemetery . Interred in the Central Cemetery are notables such as Ludwig van Beethoven ; Franz Schubert , who were moved to the city in 1888 ; Johannes Brahms ; Antonio Salieri ; Johann Strauss II and Arnold Schoenberg . A cenotaph honours Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart , who is buried in nearby St . Marx Cemetery . We 'll get to that last one in a moment , but first enjoy some photos of the resting places of these famous composers . There is much more to tell and this post will be continued next week ! See you then ! All sources will be listed next week as well in case anyone wants to do further reading . This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution - NonCommercial - ShareAlike 4 . 0 International License . The Carey Hand funeral records called this plot of land the Gotha Cemetery back in 1928 . It 's a large chunk of land for 18 burials , and when we were sitting in the car in front of it arguing about whether or not it was actually there , the thing was staring us right in the face . The whole plot is fenced with a handsome , high black fence , but don 't let that put you off . There 's a gate on 2 sides to enter . There is no sign indicating that this is a cemetery or that it 's owned by the church , but it is there . If you look carefully you can see spots of color standing out through the verdant green of the overgrown lot , and these are flowers that someone has brought for one of the graves . While the land is not tended , the graves are . Most of them were clean and cared for , at least minimally , and what headstones we could see were in good repair . Hats off to whoever is working to keep this cemetery respectable . The most recent burial was in 2013 , so it 's possibly still in use . The land itself is a tangle of branches , vines , and downed trees so if you do visit use caution . There are also miscellaneous pieces of rusting equipment on the property that you 'll want to look out for . The cemetery is in the middle of the property and has several fenced family plots . You 'll find the Nehrlings buried here , the family that started the botanical gardens literally right around the corner . Their home is still there along with 6 acres of their land and it is open for tours . It 's on my list of places to visit , I love the idea that something that Dr . Nehrling started in 1885 is still left . Nearby you will find a small grave for Ferdinand Runge who died at 2 years old and is the first marked burial at this site ( death date 1898 ) . He has a beautiful grave that is tended and completely fenced with natural wood fencing . The next marked grave wasn 't until 1900 and it made me feel sad to think of him there all alone for 2 years . Also here is the Hartmann family , Ludwig and his younger wife Antoine . The Hartmann 's came over from Germany ; Ludwig 's immigration was in 1883 . All of their children were born here in Florida , and by 1900 they already had six daughters . Ludwig was an orange farmer and the census records show them surrounded by other farmers and fruit merchants . The farm that they owned was mortgage free so it seems that they were prosperous . When Ludwig died his funeral was handled by Carey Hand funeral home , the oldest funeral home in Orange county . He died of uremia , and it seems like so many of the funeral records that I 've come across include deaths from kidney - related diseases . I 'm going to have to research that some day , it 's easy to speculate but I 'd be curious to read more about that . His funeral record was apparently filled out by the laziest person ( or the busiest ) in that funeral home on that day in 1940 because it literally says almost nothing . The person who filled out his wife 's record included her maiden name , Krause , as well as all other pertinent information . Their records can be viewed on Central Florida Memory . Osteen is a small town in Volusia county near Enterprise . Well , it feels small , but apparently has undergone a lot of growth in the last 2 years . It has a small town feel to it though , like you 'd expect Andy Griffith to walk out at any moment wearing his sheriff 's uniform and saying " Howdy ! " . ( I would love that . It 's still one of my goals to visit his grave and I was really sad when he died . ) This cemetery is really private , which is a good thing because you can wander freely without cars passing by or people walking through with you . It 's a bad thing because in terms of Florida history , this place is a treasure trove and needs all the protection it can get . Speaking of protection , the sand parking area in front of the gate ( a cattle gate , by the way ) was littered with condom wrappers . I seem to see more and more of that lately and it always baffles me . I bet if your grandma was buried here you 'd think twice about bringing a date here for ' romance ' . This is considered an active cemetery and it appears to have a lot of space on the right , but I didn 't really notice and new burials the day we were there . The left side was drawing so much of my attention anyway with it 's beautiful old headstones . Lots of Sauls and Osteens here , and they had good taste in funerary art because some of the headstones are just beautiful . The Saul family built a home near here and raised their family with the Osteens . They started a whole community called Saulsville , but as these things always go in Florida , this happened and that happened , and people died , and the house burned to the ground . This is the part of history that I don 't like , hearing about all of the amazing places that have burned down , usually while they were stuffed full of old papers that some genealogist or writer needs in 2017 . I read that this cemetery is near an African American burial ground , but I wasn 't able to find it , or I wasn 't able to tell if it was actually incorporated into this cemetery . We walked the perimeter which is heavily wooded and in one corner I looked down and saw a number on a round piece of concrete . The numbers were in rows , and took up a considerable part of that corner of the cemetery . I saw nothing that would indicate who was buried here , but I always feel sad when I just see numbers instead of names . There are also a lot of children buried here , and their stones were , to me , the prettiest I 'd seen . The lambs were beautifully carved on many of them and retained a lot of detail . Toward the back of the cemetery on the left you 'll see a small section that is fenced off and has the weirdest headstones inside . They 're all damaged and aren 't readable in the slightest , and the stone has turned almost black with age and is pitted . I 've never seen any like them . It looks almost like they 've started to melt . This section is also home to a sizable gopher tortoise , which has built a mansion near one of these headstones . The cemetery was established in 1884 and is certainly one that I will visit again . And since we were talking about illicit cemetery visits at the beginning of this post , in 2012 a mother of 2 stabbed a man with an ice pick , strangled him to death with a cord , and then mutilated his body … in self - defense , she said . Where did she do this ? In the parking area of this cemetery . Enterprise Cemetery was established in 1841 , and I have a picture of the sign to prove it . It was a gloomy day with a heavy sky , and all of my photos that day looked gloomy and colorless so I switched them all to black and white for this post . It adds drama . That 's what I 'm telling myself . This cemetery is pretty bleak with lots of open space and dead grass , but it had some unique things that made it an interesting one to visit . First , I was freezing to death that day because I 'm a Florida native and the surprising high last Sunday was about 48 degrees . I don 't really understand how to bundle up because I never really have to , so I was not dressed warmly enough for a trek outdoors - but I got out of the car anyway and Shawn and I walked in through the side gate . One side of the cemetery is clearly active , and one side is the more historic side , though you can see a small , older plot over to the far left which is all the way in the back . We started there , and I began to realize what made this cemetery different from the others I 've visited . Most people place statues of angels on graves . It 's what they do . It 's nice to imagine an angel watching over your loved one in the hereafter , but I don 't think this notion really caught on with the people of Enterprise ( population just over 43 , 000 in 2012 ) , and that is what made me love this cemetery . These people got creative with their grave tributes - no angels for them ! Here is a short list of some of the things we saw on the graves there : While these gifts are festive and make for an interesting walk through the cemetery , this cemetery is actually the final resting place for some of the victims of the 1888 Yellow Fever outbreak in Volusia County . ( Many other nearby counties were affected as well including Orange and Duval . ) I found one chilling telegram dated October 26 , 1888 saying that there were 2 deaths and 12 cases so far , and that armed men were surrounding infected areas to prevent further transmission of the disease , which is actually spread by mosquitoes . While digging around I also found a letter from September of the same year to the Governor of Florida from several different county health boards begging for help . There is a lot of desperation in that letter , found on floridamemory . com . The grave of Annie Bradley is dated from the same date of the telegram , which means she was most likely one of the two deaths referenced . The older section has a large fenced area with a grand monument for W . H . Cavin , with a death date of October 27 , 1888 , so it seems that they could possibly be a victim as well . ( I wasn 't able to find out if Cavin was male or female , but I 'm thinking they were male . ) In the same section of the cemetery you will also see a small plot for children of the Florida United Methodist Children 's home which began in 1908 , and a few sad burials . The home was renamed in 1971 , so the main stone marking the plot pre - dates that as it simply says Florida Methodist Children 's Home . This children 's home is still operating today and has a fascinating history . There will be many parts because I love this cemetery so much , but more than that … I love the story of this cemetery . And so I went back to take another look , and this time I saw different things that I had not noticed before . When Heather and I pulled up to the dirt road that winds through the cemetery we saw an older man with a rake working away by himself in the central part of the cemetery . We both smiled and waved , but he just stared at us . We parked a little ways away to give him some privacy and started to wander . It was cloudy and grey , rain was threatening - and the night before we 'd had a huge rainstorm that made the ground spongy . I 'd worn my old horse boots just in case there was mud . There was also a lot of wind , which was awesome to hear in the trees . We 'd walked down the road to Shiloh cemetery and then turned to come back when he decided to approach us . I walked up and introduced myself and found out that his name was Tom , and he 'd been coming to work at this property since the mid 80 's . He was protective of the space and rightfully so , because somebody needs to stand up for this cemetery and it just so happens that recently , somebody did . Part of the cemetery actually has an owner now , one that cares , according to what Tom told us . I 'm thrilled about it and about witnessing the changes that will take place under new ownership . At least that 's my dream , that this place will start to look loved again instead of completely abandoned . There is a pile of clothes , an empty wine bottle , and an old bag of food on top of one of the graves . People are living in here . They 're having sex here . There are condoms at the back of the cemetery ; they 're all over the place . Someone actually left her ID there , half buried in the mud next to the trash pile . If there was ever a cemetery that needed a locked gate , this is it . The three of us made a few jokes about what we would do if someone we dated suggested sex in a cemetery . We were cracking ourselves up coming up with pick - up lines . All of us said we 'd never had anyone ever mention that to us and we couldn 't figure out why it was such a popular thing to do . I feel like if there were gates and people couldn 't drive into the back of the cemetery then a lot of this behavior would probably stop . It 's one thing to get frisky in your car , and another thing entirely to get naked on the cold ground which is potentially loaded with ticks , burrs , and thorny vines . And frankly , Shiloh and Page Jackson both look like something from Michael Jackson 's Thriller video . Whoever is going in there for that purpose is crazy . We walked around for almost 2 hours , and my favorite thing that Tom showed us was the Hurston plot , supposedly belonging to the family of Zora Neale Hurston , the Florida writer that wrote Their Eyes Were Watching God . ( Hurston is buried in Ft . Pierce . ) Tom had to use his rake to pull back the vegetation to expose the graves , but there they were . I 've been to this cemetery at least 3 times and never saw them . Who else might be there , waiting to be uncovered ? We marched back into the woods while Tom used his rake to bat vines and branches out of the way . We passed a broken crypt that looked like someone had taken a sledgehammer to it . We passed multiple gopher tortoise homes - they like to dig under the ledger stones and kick up huge piles of sand , potentially causing problems with the grave site . We walked past one ledger stone that had a giant pile of poop on top of it from some type of large animal , God knows what it was . The woods are filled with funeral home markers and in every section you can see graves from multiple decades . There 's no logical progression when it comes to dates . I asked Tom about it . I 'm planning to do some research on many of the graves I photographed that day - but here 's my question … where is William Page Jackson buried ? Is he here too ? I can 't find him . And I 'd really like to have a word with him . She did . I think anyone that loves this place owns it . We are planning our own little clean up group soon - if you 're interested in joining us please let me know by leaving a comment or emailing me at marnie . bench @ gmail . com . The main goal is just to go pick up trash . That 's it . That 's a start . Temple Cemetery was cold the first time I visited , but that 's always my favorite time to go to a a new cemetery , when the weather is chilly . It was clear that day and the sun was shining brightly so it was a good day to read tombstones . Temple is a Jewish Reform cemetery and it mingles with Old Jewish Center cemetery , which is a conservative cemetery . There is no line or obvious kind of separation , but the space is set apart from the rest of Evergreen and has it 's own gate . Temple Cemetery attracted me because of the mausoleums , of which there are many varied types . It 's a small Jewish cemetery inside the massive Evergreen Cemetery complex , and it looks to be old and not visited very often . Both times that I went there there was no one else around . Despite this , it 's perfectly maintained except for some vandalism to one of the mausoleums . It will probably never be repaired since most of them are very old with the families probably long gone by now . This particular one has the glass window shot out with what looks like a BB gun , as some of the glass still has holes in it where it didn 't shatter all the way and fall out . Because of this , you can look right into this mausoleum and on that day when I did this I realized that it was freezing in there . My face felt like it touched ice the minute I stuck my head through the window to peek in . I felt sad about the window though , it was done in delicate shades of gold and green and were just panes of colored glass , not the usual ornate stained glass windows that I usually see in mausoleums . My favorite one here is the Burkheim mausoleum because of it 's very solid and incredibly creepy looking ventilated iron door . Whether it was placed to keep things in or keep them out I can only imagine , but it must have been effective because nobody has messed with this structure at all . Jacob Burkheim has lived in 2 of the places I 've lived in during my 43 years , including Tallahassee , where I grew up , and Jacksonville , where I was born and lived again briefly in my 20 's . He also lived in Savannah , which I love visiting . He worked as a merchant , a tailor , and he also fought in the Civil War ( confederate ) . He had 7 children , but his name is the only one found outside of his mausoleum , so I wonder if the rest of his family is buried elsewhere . He was born in Germany in 1831 , and he died in 1914 . If your back is to the gates and you look to the far left and start walking you will see a small headstone for Hazel , E . Waterman , who died in 1904 at a few months old . Her headstone is a type that I had heard about but had never actually seen in all of my cemetery visits . Usually a child 's stone will feature a lamb or sometimes a small bird . A few times I 've seen deer . Hazel 's stone has two small baby shoes on the top and two small socks draped down the front of the stone . I was thrilled to see an example of something I 'd only ever heard about . Hazel 's small gravestone did not have a record in Find A Grave which made me wonder more about her and her family . I couldn 't find anything on Ancestry , which happens a lot when you 're looking for a child . There is a child 's headstone in St . Augustine that has haunted me since I first saw it and I can 't find out anything about the child or the family , which has bothered me for 2 years . If you 're awesome with genealogy and like a challenge - send me a message . Temple Cemetery is one of my favorite sites to date in Jacksonville . If you get over there please let me know what you thought ! And bring snacks , you 'll need them if you go to Evergreen because you could spend the day in there and never see it all . Sounds like something from a storybook , right ? When I was a kid I loved a book called The Magical Drawings of Mooney B . Finch , and I read it until it fell apart . That was the first thing I thought of when my mom drove me up to the gates of this historic cemetery . She loves cemeteries too and will scout out new locations for me to see when I go visit her , and she almost always goes with me . One time last year I did sneak off to see one that she told me probably wasn 't safe to go to by myself , and I told her about it afterwards . The Camp Captain Mooney Cemetery is a surprise . It 's set way back in what 's part neighborhood , part business / warehouse area - which is how Jacksonville is designed anyway . There 's wasn 't a lot of reason applied to the layout . This is a small cemetery and the only hazard I can think to warn you about ahead of time is that the ground can be quite spongy . My mom walks with a cane and was basically doing ground testing while she was walking around because her cane kept sinking . The cemetery was established on March 1st , 1864 after a short battle ( the Battle of Cedar Creek ) , and the creek is nearby and is actually quite sizeable . There is also a historical marker there and you can get out and take pictures because even though it 's on a busy road , there is a place to pull over and a sidewalk . The death toll for the day included 7 Confederates , 2 Union , with others wounded and some captured . Writing about battles is not my strong suit , so I 'm including the Wikipedia article . The cemetery was started on the day of the battle ; the dead were buried there , and it was used for some time though it is very small , with only about 114 interments . Captain Mooney is there also - and his veteran 's headstone doesn 't have a birth date or death date on it . There are some wonderful headstones here and quite a few handmade ones . I 've been to this cemetery twice , and the first time I noticed four graves , looked at the stones , and must have blanked out because I didn 't notice that all four graves had the same death date . Shawn and my mom called me over to look on this visit , and I took photos to do some research . Emma , Dora , and Mary Silcox all died on June 26 , 1927 , along with their friend Frances Norton . Mary was 15 , Dora was 12 , and Emma was 9 years old . Frances was a friend of the family and was only 19 . They drowned during a boating accident at Clearwater Lake in Jacksonville , which is now a place to hike and fish . I can 't imagine what that family went through losing three of their children and a close friend in one day . Private James S . Turknett is also buried here even though the Turknett Cemetery is right down the road - it 's connected to the Smith Cemetery . The Turknett 's are buried in the back and the gate to that part of the cemetery has a bright blue sign that reads Turknett Cemetery , while on the other side it says Smith Cemetery on a very formal plaque . There is also a third set of gates that are probably for hearse access that are large , fancy wrought iron and do not have any name on them . These two cemeteries are in the back of a neighborhood and there was yet another sign posted on a light pole warning about fees associated with disturbing graves or remains , and that the fine is up to 5 , 000 dollars , 5 years in jail , or both . It 's a 3rd degree felony and I wish more people would think it through before they decide to do something that stupid . Camp Captain Mooney is now owned by the United Daughters of the Confederacy , and it is always impeccable every time I go . Just be careful with your cane . Also , Shawn and I have a knack for finding bones in cemeteries ( animals , thankfully ) and this trip had a small surprise as well . This cemetery has been in the news in the last 2 years due to allegations of improper burials , and is under new ownership - which I think is a good thing . The news story is disturbing , and Jacksonville has had it 's fair share of bad press when it comes to cemeteries in the last year alone . But in this situation , it appears that the new owner is doing the right thing and is working hard to that end . So when I found out that my grandparents were buried there recently , I breathed a sigh of relief because they weren 't in Beaches Memorial Park , part of a long and ongoing investigation for all kinds of horrible things , and I also breathed a sigh of relief because I finally knew where they were . When my grandfather died I was 17 . That was the last time I went to that cemetery , and no one who was with me that day could remember where it was or the name of it once I grew up and started this … hobby . I 'd looked and looked on Find A Grave to no avail , and then in January of this year the cemetery was recorded and lo and behold , the grandparents showed up as a record . I was thrilled . Then I saw the news story . So when I drove through the gates by myself that day I wasn 't sure what to expect . I wanted them to be in a pretty place with no problems , and that was exactly what I found when I got there . While this cemetery is not beautiful in a Bonaventure sort of way , it is pretty , with large trees and a well - kept lawn . It was also much larger than my 17 year old self had remembered , and so I pulled up in front of the offices to get some help finding my family members . " Charles and Susie Sears , " I said . I gave her the date of my grandfather 's death in 1990 . She asked me to wait a moment and indicated a couch where I could sit down . If it had been me , I don 't know that I would have thought to say " What are the names of your loved ones ? " which sounds very nice . I probably would have just asked for their names and been my usual direct self . I appreciated her delicacy while I marveled at it . She came back and asked me for the date of my grandmother 's death instead , and I showed her my printout from Find A Grave . She vanished again into a back office . The offices were nice and there was a pretty chandelier hanging in the entrance way . I had noticed though that those same offices shared an inside wall with the mausoleum that had been attached to the building . Or maybe the offices had been attached to it instead . Either way , it seemed like odd energy to have behind you while you work all day . While I waited I was greeted nicely by two other people who both asked if I needed anything . When the first lady came back she was smiling and told me if I 'd just wait outside , a gentleman would drive me to see my grandparents . I said that I could walk , but she said they 'd prefer to take me there . I went outside and waited . I 'd been there maybe a minute when I heard someone call out " Charles Sears ? " I turned and there was a man standing next to a golf cart , gesturing for me to get in with him . I slid onto the seat beside him . I expected a sedate and solemn ride through the graves and for this to be a gentle experience . That is not what happened , but what happened makes me laugh every time I think about it . The second I was on the seat next to him he punched it and the cart took off ; one second we were on the paved road and the next second he was speeding across the grass , looking down on his side of the golf cart at the ground as we sped past graves on our bumpy ride . I was hanging on tightly , trying to look casual as I told him the last time I 'd been there had been in 1990 . Turns out , that was when he started working there . He was talking amiably about his work as we bounced along over grass and pine cones before coming to an abrupt halt . My hair swung forward . " Okay . But just remember for your next visit , the mausoleum is right there , and they line up with that . " He smiled and bid me good day before zipping off again in his cart . I 'm not sure of his job title , but when it comes to driving a golf cart through a graveyard very fast , he is a skilled professional . I turned and looked down at the ground . And yes , there they were . If there had been a vase it had been stolen , but the plaque itself wasn 't in bad condition . I just stood there with the sun shining on my head while breathing in the chilly air , and I thought about them . Random memories . My grandfather 's ability to draw . My grandmother 's scrambled eggs . Most people wouldn 't think to head to the cemetery as part of their holiday festivities , but apparently a lot of people do . Everywhere I visited this month there were bright decorations everywhere , everything from trees to candy canes to a little snowman headstone topper . For my own family I 'm choosing poinsettias , and will be taking them out to my grandparents on my Dad 's side on Christmas Day . They 've been long neglected - I just found out where they were buried after quite a bit of searching over the last few months . I was really happy to see their names on the plaque and know that whenever I 'm in town I can take them flowers . I also decorated the graves of a family in this cemetery this year . After writing about them and researching them I felt like I wanted to do something , not really sure why . I just loved their story and thought that their history must have been very similar to so many others here in the Central Florida area , and every one of those families is important . They 're the foundation that this area was built on . So on a bright day Shawn and I went out and brought them each a small decoration and a light to place by each grave . I 'll leave the lights after the holidays . I never really considered the act of decorating a grave for the holidays until this year , I guess for a lot of reasons . I think that I realized that losing someone doesn 't mean that you lose the habit of caring for them , even in the most basic of ways . Reaching for them in the middle of the night , buying something that catches your eye just because you know they 'd like it , or leaving their number in your phone because you 're used to calling them . Habits die hard if they die at all , and they last long after the person is gone . So this year it seemed perfectly normal for me to go out to cemeteries and see entire Christmas trees , little stockings , Christmas cards , sparkly flowers , and velvet bows . |
A Seven Days analysis revealed that 100 Vermonters died from fatal opiate overdoses in 2016 . Family members of overdose victims graciously agreed to share memories of their loved ones . Click a photo to hear those stories in their own words . William Hobbs : He came to church looking so good , I thought he had gotten away from it . It was maybe a week or so before the overdose . He spent the night with us and had Easter dinner . We stayed up and watched movies on Netflix , and just talked about stuff . He loved " It 's Always Sunny in Philadelphia . " The autopsy report said that there were signs that he was injecting into his foot . When the police searched his car , they found a bunch of needles in the spare tire . The detective 's conclusion was he was hiding it from everybody . He was doing well , I think , and then not long ago , he was on some kind of a machine , a snowboard simulator , fell off and broke his ankle . I think he was given pain medication and that probably set him off again . But all of this is speculation . You don 't know . When we went to his apartment and cleared out his stuff we found an application for a local school . He had filled out the paperwork to apply , and filled out the paperwork for a grant or a scholarship , but it never got submitted . There was this part of him that wanted to do that , but I think the drugs got in the way . Meaghan Billings : I was moving out of my apartment , and he was supposed to help me . We got into a little argument . He didn 't have the truck - he only had the truck for so many hours in the early morning , but I didn 't want to do it then . I ended up seeing him later that day at the Cumberland Farms in Colchester . It was a coincidence . I ended up talking to him , and he said , " I love you , kiddo , " and I said " Love you , too . " Later that night , he ended up leaving a last message , asking if he should put his wedding ring on , if we were going to work it out or not . Me and him were like best friends ; we did better being best friends than lovers . We still hung out every day . Ken Forbes : We took her shopping to Market Basket in Claremont , N . H . and then Walmart . We always took her with us when we went shopping . She was cheerful , happy - go - lucky . We stopped at some point along the way , had some pizza . Sometimes , she was in a good mood , very talkative ; other times she acted like she was stressed . On this particular day , this Wednesday , she was very happy - just regular conversation . We dropped her off at her building , gave her a kiss and a hug . The next morning , Doris tried to call her and she didn 't answer the phone , but that wasn 't unusual because a lot of times she was doing stuff somewhere else . Roger Schoenbeck : His sister was here from California , and he and I were born a day apart so we all went out for a birthday celebration at J . Morgan 's Steakhouse in Montpelier . It was excellent - that was the talk . That , and visitations between west and east coast . He hadn 't been out there for a while , though he had a very good , ongoing dialogue with his sister about things he went through . He 's living in Randolph ; I 'm in Stowe . We drove our own cars . We didn 't think it was the final goodbye in the parking lot . There was nothing special at that moment . My daughter and I talked on the way home about how much better he looked , that he was in better spirits . It seemed like he had confronted his demons and was doing better . I think he made one slip , and that was it . The [ authorities ] contacted his mother first in North Carolina , then she called me . I won 't say you think it 's a joke , but it 's like , " Seriously ? " But I could tell from her voice and the way she was breaking down . You always think of things after the fact : Gee , could I have done something better ? I always say there ought to be a law against having to bury your kids . Linda Adams : The week before , he was working in Ticonderoga , N . Y . On his way home , he stopped here . We are at the end of the road in West Haven , 10 miles off the main highway . It was a happy visit because I didn 't get to see him enough . He said , " I want to start riding horses again . " I have horses at the farm . Him and I , since he was 8 years old , rode horses together and went camping with them . From the outside , [ Jesse ] looked like was living a normal life . I paid for him to go to rehab and I asked him after , " You doing OK ? You need to go back ? " " No , I 'm doing good , " he said . " I 'm doing good . " They 're pretty good at lying . I found out after that he was spending his whole paycheck on his addiction . He kept things to himself . It was hard to talk to him about things he didn 't want to talk about . Ron Papineau : Monday morning , I was leaving for work in Colchester . I knew I wasn 't coming back until the following night . We had just got done having a great weekend in Moretown . It started as a camp , but it 's a home now . It was going to be our retirement home . It 's almost completed . We had her grandchild over . We were talking about finishing a woodstove we started building . She was cleaning that up , cleaning the cement off the stones . When I found her on Tuesday , she still had the kneepads on . So whatever happened , happened fast . Things were just getting good . Her cleaning business was just taking off . She was as happy as I had ever seen her . All was good , or so I thought . Nicoll struggled for years with anxiety and alcoholism . By midsummer , he had agreed to begin a rehab program - immediately after his little brother 's wedding , according to his father , Donald Nicoll , Jr . He died the week before it . Donald Nicoll , Jr . : He could never get out from underneath the mental health aspects of what was going on - he couldn 't get help . But we had found somebody . We had the whole plan mapped out - phone numbers , addresses . He was anxious to get straight and get the help . But he wanted to be there for his little brother . He was the best man . His attitude was , " Let 's get this wedding all done and then I will make this phone call and go through with all of this . " That evening , he came down for dinner . We had a really wonderful time . He was joking around with his mother , making her laugh . Everything was just perfect . I thought it was the greatest thing in the world to have him back . He was home ; he was safe . He thought he had found a car but he didn 't know if he should invest the money . He came down and said , " Dad , I need some advice . " What father doesn 't love that ? The next morning it was all over . He was sitting on his couch . I hope it was peaceful , because he looked like he kind of went to sleep and didn 't wake up . Susan Vera : He talked about going back and getting a master 's degree . I said , " Come back and live here with us . " It seemed like he was so unhappy working where he was working . Looking back , I don 't know if that stems from the drug use . Six to eight weeks earlier , he had hooked up with a friend . They had dated in high school for years . She was going through a rough time . She lived in Essex Junction , and he had been going there a couple times a week . They were kind of slowly trying to hatch a plan where maybe he would move in , another friend would move in , they would all be in this house and kind of be a little family . I said , " You know , Adam , not many people get a second chance . You 're very fortunate you guys are back in each other 's lives . " He had hope , hope of doing something different . After he died , she wrote me a five page , single - spaced letter [ about ] his last couple months . He would come over , they 'd make supper together , they 'd sit at the table , shoot the breeze and she 'd have other friends come over . They 'd go out for hikes , and they were making plans for the spring and summer . But it didn 't work out that way . Jason Hodgdon : Shortly before he passed away , we had a party for my nephew in St . Albans . [ Porter ] showed up . He looked really good . He talked to everybody ; he was his old self . We talked like we always talked , laughing . > When my brother was normal , he 'd just do anything for anybody . He put a driveway in for my aunt in Hartland , and she couldn 't praise him enough for how good of a job he did . When he passed away , my aunt was talking to my mom and said , " I was so proud of how he came down here and worked . " My mom had to tell her , " You realize when he did that he was high ? " Sometimes he could control it . If he had to be around people he 'd take a little bit and get through it . People would look at him and didn 't know he was all screwed up . Then he 'd go out with his " friends . " He didn 't have friends - he had pushers . He had druggies . A lot of people didn 't know my brother was an addict . Some of the greatest people are addicts . But there comes a point where you realize you 're not talking to the person you love anymore . You 're talking to the drugs . Brenda Williams : It was Christmastime . She was sitting on the floor , and she said she should have never moved out , she made a mistake , she should have stayed and saved for a mobile home . She didn 't seem down or anything . She didn 't seem unhappy . Just that she had made a mistake and shouldn 't have moved out . I was thinking it was more for financial reasons , but now I don 't think it was . She struggled with alcoholism ; she was going to AA but said nothing about any drugs . We were clueless about that . Then we went to Florida . We emailed her , but she would take two or three days to get back , and it was very brief and not like her . I think things started in that time . I don 't think the drug use had been very long , but I have no way of knowing that . Her boyfriend said he had left and gone to the store and when he came home , she wasn 't breathing ; she was blue . He said she was up and joking around and doing the dishes when he left . I don 't know how much is true . Carter was homeless when he died . But two weeks before , he showed up at the University of Vermont Medical Center in Burlington , where his family had gathered to tend to his gravely ill grandmother . He spoke with his uncle , Paul Somerville : Paul Somerville : Just before my mom died , he showed up the waiting room in the hospital . He looked terrible , but he was in good spirits . He was concerned for his grandmother , obviously . Shawn had this way of propping himself up and puffing himself up a little bit , not in an egotistical way , but to make people believe he was in good spirits . " Don 't worry about me , everything is going to be fine . " He was in that mode . We knew my mother wasn 't going to come out of the hospital . We were having those kind of conversations . When he stood up to leave , I said , " If you ever need anything . " It 's the code for " When you 're ready to get sober , when you 're ready to change your life , I 'm ready to help . " He understood . He said , " I know , Uncle Pete , I know . " We embraced , like we always did . We didn 't fake hug - Shawn squeezed when he hugged . My last words were , " I love you , " and he said , " I love you , too . " I 'm so grateful that it ended that way . Jackson became addicted to drugs while living in Florida . Two weeks before his death , he moved back to Vermont to live with his sister Katy . His father , Joel Jackson , paid them a visit . Joel Jackson : It was on a Friday . We had a nice chat . He was telling me about some of the things he wanted to do . He had picked up a little dog , and he was thinking about getting into training rescue dogs . He had his heart set on it . We were talking about his plans for the future . He was going to move in with his old schoolmate in Waterbury , who was like a marathon runner , granola , vegetarian , very clean - living , exercise guy . Jared was thinking it would be really good to be around him . He seemed fairly put together . He was making good plans . I gave him a hug , commended him on what he was doing , and told him if there 's anything he needed , we 're 100 percent behind him and would help him anyway we could . But I noticed he had lost a little weight from the last time I had seen him . On Sunday , Katy had him helping her make dinner , because they were going to have some friends over . He went downstairs . His friends started to arrive for dinner , and Katy was looking around for him and sent my granddaughter downstairs to get him . She came running up and said , " I can 't wake up Uncle Jared . " He was passed out over his computer , not breathing . Shannon LaPierre : The past few years were good . We wanted to build a home - that was our dream . We were buying land , we were thinking Essex , some place where we could have enough land . We had three Labs . There was so much to look forward to . We were going to start having kids . He happened to be working in a building , putting flooring in . There was an individual there , selling [ drugs ] . Battling addiction and having it in front of him like that , I don 't know how many times it was put in front of him before he said , " Yes . " I honestly thought that wasn 't going to happen to him . I knew it was a battle , but he wanted more out of life than that . He died on a Thursday . He was supposed to go to camp on Friday to help his father with some stuff . They were going to fix something . And he didn 't want his dad doing it by himself . He worried about his dad working up there . Debbie Loyer : Clark was a boxer in his younger days . He was Vermont Golden Gloves boxer of the year . He worked out . When you saw Clark 's muscles were going away and he was getting skinny , you knew he was using . He would tell me , " Mom I 'm not using , " and I 'm like , " Yeah , you are . " Our last conversation ? I can 't remember . I seriously can 't remember the last time I told my son I loved him . It kills me . It seriously , seriously kills me . I 've blocked a lot out . I remember I got a card from him at Thanksgiving . I read it over and over . It says , " You 're the only person who has ever been there for me and I can 't begin to say how much I love you and I would do anything to protect you . " He said he 'd never forgive himself for everything he put me through and he tried to get clean so hard and he just can 't do it . I have a pile of his cards saved , like a memorial . I open them a lot of times and re - read . I still , to this day , walk by son 's urn every night to tell him good night . Every night . Investigating the breadth of the opiate abuse problem in Vermont , Seven Days filed a public records request with the Vermont Department of Health for death certificates for every fatal drug overdose in 2016 . We quickly realized that pinpointing opiate overdoses is not as simple as we had assumed . Our findings may not match the Department of Health 's own forthcoming annual opiate overdose tally . Why ? Many people are killed not by one drug , but by a mixture of multiple drugs . Alcohol is sometimes a factor . Some overdose victims have underlying health problems , such as heart disease , that contribute to their deaths . For these reasons , the health department has complex criteria for declaring a death an " opiate overdose " and conducts investigations of every fatality . Even the term " opiate " is more complicated than you might think : The health department supplied a list of 56 prescription medications that double as oft - abused opiates . Most of them we 'd never heard of . For this story , Seven Days included people whose death certificates reported that opiates were a cause or contributing factor in their death . Like the health department , we excluded drug - related suicides . Last year , there were six . The original print version of this article was headlined " Last Impressions " Related Stories Seven Days moderates comments in order to ensure a civil environment . Please treat the comments section as you would a town meeting , dinner party or classroom discussion . In other words , keep commenting classy ! Read our guidelines . . . |
Chiere … I 'm sorry Posted on September 28 , 2016 by Rune Believer When I made a Facebook ad for my blog , Chiere had made a comment about wanting to hear more stories about my feral pig Daisy . I am sad to say there is only one more story to tell about Daisy . That story is my story of losing her . I had said one of my blogs needed an update and here it is … Daisy , my big , beautiful , girl has passed . My close friends , and my Facebook friends at the time , read of her passing just over a year ago . ( Please keep in mind that this blog 's draft was written two years ago . ) She passed , quite frankly , because her hips couldn 't take the weight she had grown to be . I saw her troubles beginning , and I did try to put her on a diet . However , being free ranging , she was very adept at getting what she always wanted , which was something tasty in her mouth . As her mobility problems grew more serious , she moved less and less . Finally , the day came when she went under the house and stayed . Being moist dirt , she could drag herself about without injury to her belly . That 's when I began slithering under the house to take her her meals . The Vets I spoke to had no answers . Operate on a pig , a feral one at that , no . There still isn 't even a procedure for what was wrong with her . Her hips had simply given out . I was the only one who had the courage to go under the house to her . Everyone else was concerned about aggravating her and her pain . By this point , her discomfort was obviously still growing , and I was sharing with her the medication my pain specialist had prescribed for me . The sweetness of her sighs as she 'd gently go to sleep never failed to break my heart . After weeks of waiting , and hoping , for her to gain strength , the decision was made to put her down . But … how to bury a pig that weighed well over 200 pounds ? How to even get her out from under the house to start ? The morning of the chosen day , I crawled under the house to give her what would be her last meal . I made sure it was an extra tasty one . Then , for the first time , I gave her a whole pain pill with a whole muscle relaxer . It was the only thing I could do for her to mitigate her fear of strangers . As the pills took effect , she leaned over and gently touched my forehead with her nose . As she pulled back and looked me in the eyes , I 'd swear she was smiling . I think she knew her end was near , and she wanted me to know she was ready . I darn well wasn 't , but it was past time to let her go . I kissed her cheek and left . My dad told me our friend had brought a helper who crawled under the house . Daisy , not liking strangers , had lazily dragged herself out into the open . Once out , she 'd been presented a bucket of fresh star fruit . She had happily put her face into the fruit , and the end came . My baby girl had known no fear . She had a face full of fresh fruit and no fear , I can live with that . They loaded her on a trailer , and they took her away . That 's a bit harder to deal with . As it happened , one Sunday I attended dinner with our friends . While sitting at the table , talking in general , another one of our friends spoke to me about Daisy . He said he knew I had loved her , and I probably still missed her . He said he was sorry for my loss , but he wanted me to know that he was grateful to us . He 's on disability , and that had been a hard month . Without Daisy , he 'd have gone hungry . He said he really hated getting food that way , so he felt he had to let me know how he 'd been helped by Daisy and me . A laughing young man at the suddenly became very serious . He looked at me and asked , " That was you ? " Not trusting my voice , I simply nodded . He continued , " In that case , I owe you a huge thanks , too . I 'd have flat gone hungry for a few days , and I know of a family with kids that would have gone hungry , too ! " Our friend presents himself as being very gruff , but he truly is a kind man . Because he had gotten a boar and a sow for breeding , he surprised himself by becoming very attached to them . For that reason , he kept thinking about me and Daisy . A few months later , when someone offered him a free mini piglet , he brought her straight to me . Smart Phones NOT for Idjits … I is an Idjit ! Posted on June 23 , 2016 by Rune Believer Yesterday I got drafted to run errands with my Father . If you 're aware of my relationship with him , you 'd know why I really wasn 't all that thrilled . I 've also started a new medication . It has one of those TV commercials where you wonder what kind of idiot would take the stuff with all it 's possible side effects . Well … thanks to my worsening bipolar and my not so great association with me Da , I 'm that kind . During one of our stops , I decided to visit the local Verizon store next door to look into how economical the " free upgrade " offer they 've been badgering me with for many months would actually be . It really was such a good deal , I proudly walked out with a new LG phone . Oh , I remember it like it was yesterday . I was such an innocent back then . Wait a minute . That was yesterday ! Ah , crap ! Yep . That young fella saw this idiot coming . I 'm also an all together different kind of idiot , as well . It 's called an " idjit " . Idiots go tripping through the world perfectly aware others are making allowances for them because those misguided folks don 't know they 're being snowed by a master manipulator . Then there 's the hapless person who comes along , and they genuinely can 't help it . That person is an idjit . The kind of person deep Southerners comment about with , " Bless his / her little heart . He / She cain 't hep it . " I suspected I fit glaringly into that category the day I got pulled in with my rig for inspection in Maryland , and things just didn 't go smoothly . I wound up with a huge gob of greasy goo on my left sleeve from a tool tray . When I turned to get back into the rig , there was an audible tearing sound as I ripped my right sleeve more than half off by catching it on the corner of the trailer . The inspector just looked at me and said , " Ma ' am , I think we can forego the inspection . Just go ahead and go . Carefully . " As I walked away , I just know he was thinking , " Poor thing . She cain 't hep it . " I was thinking , " Hoo boy ! I 'm such an idjit ! " Anyway , under most circumstances , this person , the idjit , seems perfectly normal and may even appear to be highly intelligent … until faced with something smarter than they are , like a 5 - year - old future Harvard debate champion or a new telephone , otherwise known as a smart phone . Oh , it is indeed smart . This phone has app symbols which confound the brain , forget the apps themselves ! Or at least let 's not discuss the functions of the open apps just yet . After all , apps actually means applications , and applications are actually computer programs for telephones . Programs you have to figure out the functions of while combating the here again , gone again , won 't go the hell away touchscreen keyboard that 's covering half of the instructions for making the app ( sigh ) function correctly . The only thing I 've found easy about my new phone , so far , was creating a password . However , this new medication of mine made forgetting that password even easier . Thankfully , after several minutes of burning my blood pressure medication out of my system , I remembered the simple password which turned out to not be so simple after all . Heh . Have fun hackers . Screw Political Controversy . I 'm Making My Own , and It 's Personal ! Posted on September 12 , 2013 by Rune Believer As any of you who are Friends with me on Facebook know , typically I am not at all shy about letting my fiscal conservative political views be known through the pictures and articles I re - post from other Friends . I 'm also not shy about my support for various groups ( Pagans , Gays , Children , Animals , etc . ) when there is a clear violation of rights , and the abuses seriously need to be addressed . So those are my liberal leanings , but I don 't consider them liberal . I consider them Correct and Just Actions to eliminate unjust bigotry , evil , ignorance and just plain meanness . I say what 's on my mind , and I try to explain some of my views , but with many I don 't bother . My opinions are mine , and I 'm keeping them . Which brings to mind the saying about assh * les and opinions , everybody has one . So … enough of politics . I 'd like to talk about me again . Yup , I said me again . It 's been said by many a professional writer and editors , beginning writers should stick to writing about subjects they know . With me , that 's going to be chickens , dogs , me and a pig . I may throw in some cooking or gardening in the future . I may even decided to interview another friend , as I did with that wonderfully talented and kind musician , Kjell Braaten ( https : / / www . facebook . com / Kjell . Braaten ? fref = ts ) . Always props to his creative efforts . Anyway , I simply do not know what the far future brings , only the near future , and that is me ! Just this past August , I got news from a cardiologist that rather changed my world , and how I 'm going to deal with the world at large , not because I want to , but because I have to . It seems the years of chronic bronchitis growing up , and a bout with pneumonia have left scar tissue in my lungs making it harder for me to get the oxygen I need . This , when paired with my Sleep Apnea , has caused the lower right chamber of my heart to enlarge slightly because it 's having to work so much harder to supply my body with the necessary oxygen . My continued up and down battle with weight has not helped any at all , either . My doctor wants me start walking on a treadmill every day for at least 30 minutes a day with supervision . As doctors never ask you what your living and financial situation may happen to be ( They just say , " I want you to do this . " ) , I never even bothered to ask him how he thought I was going to accomplish that regimen . I tend to be most active at night . I always have been . I doubt my parents would be terribly thrilled with my walking at 3 A . M . Although , I 'm sure they 'd be expecting it . I 'm hard - headed , and I miss serious working out . If I were to go to a gym and see all those wonderful machines I 'd not be allowed to use , I 'd be miserable . Thus , I 'd be even less likely to go to the gym . While on the subject of gyms … I stopped by Anytime Fitness ( a 24 hour gym ) much closer to my home to see if they 'd meet my needs . I spoke to a very nice young woman named Shayla ( I have no idea if the spelling is correct . ) , and she was quite honest with me . She refused to even discuss a membership with me . She felt , considering what I 'd be paying to use only a treadmill , it would simply be too expensive for me and bad business for her to charge me even their most basic fee . In the end , I 'd be paying as much to go there as to drive to the free gym . She suggested I take that money and try to finance an affordable treadmill for home . She really impressed me with her honesty , kindness and her attempts to help me find a solution to my dilemma . Because of this , I 'm going to give them a shameless plug . I liked what I saw of the gym , and they have classes for folks with specific interests . SO … if you live in or near the Cocoa , Fl area , and you are in need of a gym , check out Anytime Fitness at 2311 State Road 524 # 100 , Cocoa , FL 32926 . They are also at www . facebook . com / AnytimeFitnessCocoa . Anyhoo … in the early morning hours of September 11 , 2013 , a day of national mourning over the loss of thousands of lives in the fall of the World Trade Center towers and the lives of first responders lost in their fall , and to illness in the years following all of the search and rescue operations , I set a personal challenge to meet and exceed what the doctors want of me . The only thing my doctors all agree on , is that in order for my health to stand a chance of improving , I must start walking , either on the treadmill or just where ever I can , so this morning I did . I started walking . To be specific , I started walking at 5 : 51 A . M . , and my goal was to reach the corner market 1 1 / 2 miles away and back again . I wasn 't sure how long the 3 mile round trip would take me , or even if I could do it . I certainly didn 't want to be waking anyone with a phone call to get me home , but I knew what I wanted to do . I 'd been wanting to try it for quite some time , but there was always someone around to stop me by telling me it was too much , that I couldn 't do it . When I made up my mind to do it in the dark hours of this morning , no one was awake to stop me . I wish I could say I got off to a smooth start . When I first went out the front door , I had a dog wanting to go with me , and I had to tell her she wasn 't coming , to go back to bed . She was so disappointed , but I have to admit , what I was going to do is a bit dangerous . It 's a dirt road upon which too many idiots drive way too fast , even when the road is in bad shape . It had been raining , so I knew it wasn 't going to be in top condition . I didn 't want to take a black dog out with me into the dark and risk her safety , too . Dealing with her , I forgot my Rune walking staff , which I remembered after I 'd very quietly locked to door behind me , so I equally quietly let myself back inside to get it . After I 'd locked the door behind me the second time , I realized I 'd forgotten a flashlight . At that point , I decided I could do without one . Right about the time I reached the entrance of our driveway , well under the oak trees all over our property , I re - realized just how damn dark it is out here with no street lights . No . I didn 't go back for a flashlight , I decided to forge ahead without one . I 'm glad I did . When I was free of the influence of our security light , the stars were absolutely amazing , and where there were no tree limbs to obscure their light , I could see fairly well . As I made the first 1 / 2 mile trek just to reach the main road , I began hearing signs of life around me just out of sight in the bushes . I heard small things moving away , and a few things that sounded medium sized , too . Some things , I knew , were watching me from just a few feet away , and I had no idea what they were . I just smiled in my heart knowing they were there , and kept moving , for their sake 's as much as mine . As early as it was , I saw in the distance the tail lights of some neighbors as they were leaving home , beginning their day . That gave me some pause in courage as I thought of what it might be like walking on the main road , but I kept going . When I reached the main road , I looked both north and south , and to my surprise , I saw no headlights in either direction . This lack of activity gave my courage boost , and I quickly crossed the road to the wide shoulder on the other side . Loving the stars , the continued sounds of small animals and the coolness of the clean air , I set for myself a pace I knew would be tough , but it 'd get me warmed up and my heart rate pumping . I was loving my walk . I was feeling alive like I hadn 't felt since my last night time walk too many years ago . Another point in favor of choosing to be walking at night is the currently prohibitive heat / humidity we have right now , although the season for it will soon be winding down . If I 'd tried this walk during the day , I 'd probably make it to the end of the next door neighbor 's driveway and have to turn back from the inability to breathe and the feeling that I was going to drop at any moment . I 'm not a wuss , but no ambulances please ! My walk was going quite well until I finally had a vehicle coming from behind me . I can 't really fault the person for using high beams , but once they realized I was there , it really would have been nice if they had back them down . I was walking blind . For that reason , and because I was stupid for not freezing in place , I fell into a cut the county road grader makes in the shoulder , so water can drain from the roadway . Boy , did I go down ! Both knees hit the bottom of the cut , and both elbows hits the top edge of the cut with a solid thud ! That person had to have seen me go down , but there wasn 't even a blip in their tail lights to indicate a tap on their brakes . Nice , huh ? But that 's part of what makes walking out here in the woods alone at night dangerous . I 'm not going to say it didn 't hurt . It damn well did . I 'm also not going to say I didn 't consider turning for home because I did . Then I thought about how disappointing it might be for any of my gods or goddesses who might have taken a notice to my determination to meet the criteria of perseverance in the Nine Noble Virtues . Then as I stood facing the road , with home to my left and my goal to my right , I realized that it was actually myself I was concerned about disappointing by not persevering . With this in my head and perseverance in my heart , I made a right face and headed towards that beacon of halfway success … the corner market . With time passing , and the locals waking , when the next few vehicles came by , I stopped and faced the road to make sure they could see me . As it turned out , my blond wood Rune walking staff glows in the light of high beams . ( It 's quite the beacon of my presence , so I now have a hard and fast procedure for alerting drivers I 'm there . ) After each vehicle passed by me , I quickly resumed walking , keeping up my pace . Finally . Finally ! I had reached the market , and I pulled out my phone to check my time . I was quite shocked to find the 11 / 2 mile hike had taken me , including my fall and my stops for passing vehicles , only 20 minutes ! This was beyond anything I had hoped for , much less dreamed of doing . I was incredibly happy , but I was also thinking , " Now I have to get home . Can I keep up this pace ? Will I make it , even if I slow down ? " I rested for all of 7 minutes before turning around . Well , I did slow down a bit . I had to . The world was waking up , and it was just too beautiful to fly by . It was still fairly dark in the bushes as I turned for home , but there was no mistaking the cursing of an otter as I disturbed it 's morning routine . I merely laughed and made noises back at it . In the morning light , I slowed to identify tracks I saw in the dirt of the road . Ah , a turtle had crossed . Later , I slowed to identify the tracks of … Well , I couldn 't figure out what those were . A bit further down the road , I stopped long enough to move to the shoulder the remains of a little snake that hadn 't made it through the night . Sometimes , I really hate other drivers , especially the speeders through the country . Then I laughed as I heard my first song bird of the day . The roosters had been singing their songs for awhile before that moment . Now , however , the day had truly begun . When I saw the sign for my trail , I picked up my pace for the victory that awaited me , and when I reached the track that would lead me home , I made the turn eastward to face into the rising sun . As I fast hiked , I saw other animal tracks , and thoughts raced through my mind . ' Heh … glad that raccoon wasn 't at my house . ' ' Wow . Moles sure are tenacious about crossing roads to get where they 're going . ' ' Oh ! Rabbit tracks . Keep going you idiot , or you 're going to fall over ! Aim for the chair in front of the carport ! ' And aim for that chair I did . Collapsing into the chair I 'd barely reached , I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket to check my time . Yes . I had slowed down . Yes . It had taken me longer . The return trip home had taken me 21 minutes ! So much for pacing myself . But I 'd done the first time out what no one had thought I could do without working up to it . I 'd made the 3 mile round trip to the store and back , and I 'd done it in a grand total of , with the break included , 48 minutes . With the deed now a fait accompli , when my parents finally made their appearance into the day , I told them what I 'd done . They weren 't terribly thrilled , but they were quite happy I 'd succeeded . They now know I plan to start taking early morning walks to the store and back on an attempted regular basis , but health issues what they are , I can 't promise myself anything other than I 'll try . I won 't lie . I know I pushed myself much harder than I should have , and that would be one reason the doctor specified that he wants me to be supervised . The other reason being the condition I was in when I reached that chair . It 's now the early evening of September 12th , and I 'm still feeling the hike I took on the morning of the 11th . I don 't know if I 'm going to make the next hike as planned as soon as tomorrow morning , Friday the 13th , or not . I was planning for a schedule of every other day , but this one might be too soon . If I don 't head out in the morning , I 'm shooting for the morning of the 14th . I 'm not sure I can explain it , but I need this . When Milo Decided To Stay Posted on February 23 , 2013 by Rune Believer This is the story ( as I know it ) of Milo . He was my birthday present to me a few years ago . I literally got him the day after my birthday , and he was a bit bigger than I had wanted . Since then , he has become much more than I bargained for , but I 'd never give him up . To understand what I mean about being more than for what I 'd bargained , you need to know his whole story , as related to me by the director of our local United Humanitarians , Linda , and his previous owner , beginning with his puppyhood . I had recently lost one of my precious rescue babies , and I desperately needed a small body to keep beside me , so I decided I wanted a chihuahua . I was fully aware of their one person only temperament , and that 's what I wanted . With that thought in my mind , I went to United Humanitarians to get heart worm prevention for our other animals and to ask Linda ( the extraordinary woman who runs our local chapter ) to be on the look out for someone who wanted to get rid of a chihuahua . Her face immediately lit up . I had just missed a very sad lady who needed to give her chihuahua a new home . How much more perfect could the signs be ? Linda did caution me that the dog in question was a larger breed chihuahua , and did I mind that ? Of course not ! He was a chihuahua ! How much larger could he be ? Try 15 pounds with the energy of a Jack Russel Terrier . Hoo boy ! Of course , I didn 't find that out until later . Now for his beginnings . He was only 6 months old when I got him . I was his third owner , and in looking at his medical records that came with him , I just realized that today ( 2 / 20 / 2013 ) is his 4th birthday . Mom went with me to pick him up from his owner 's apartment . A few minutes after arriving , her son entered the room in his wheel chair . Could we feel any worse about taking him ? Mom had prepared for something like that situation , and she had brought with her a notebook she 'd made of pictures of our property and our other dogs . As Milo 's human mother looked at the pictures , she related Milo 's deplorable beginnings . She 'd seen an add for large breed Chihuahua 's , and she thought one would make a good companion for her son who had mobility issues . When she got to the address , she realized it was a puppy mill . When she got to look at the puppies , she was horrified . None of them were in good health , and they all had to some degree a skin condition she recognized as mange . Her heart broke , and she chose the puppy that looked like it had the best chance of survival . She took him to the vet , and the decision was made to report the woman as an illegal breeder . Not only did he have mange , he was under weight , and he had a breathing condition which might or might not improve with treatment . There were other signs he may have been abused further , but it was difficult to tell with all of his other problems . That caring lady spent a small fortune on a puppy who responded very well to her loving ministrations . He was completely healthy by the time the decision was made that she and her son needed to give him up . Not wanting to leave him locked in his kennel all day long , she 'd occasionally leave him out to roam the apartment . The problem with that were her apartment building neighbors . When he was locked in the kennel with is toys , he was quiet all day . When he was left out of the kennel , even with those same toys , he barked all day long which everyone knows is a no - no in apartment living etiquette . Unfortunately , the days she left him out of his kennel were those days she went to take care of her ailing mother , so the neighbors were treated to his barking and wails for hours . Obviously , this didn 't go over too well in her relations with her neighbors , but at his age he really couldn 't be left out of his kennel for too long . Accidents were bound to happen . The neighbors had some sympathy , but not too much . His sharp little bark wore thin very quickly . Abruptly , she closed the picture book , and gathered the few toys of his she 'd left scattered for him until I had passed muster as someone to whom she could give over his care . She truly did not want to give him up , but she wanted what was best for him , so she saw no other way than to give him to a family that had much more time for him . I don 't blame her . As we spoke to her about the little guy 's history , we found that by the time she got him at eight weeks : he had mange , he was malnourished , and he 'd suffered some form of physical abuse and mental anguish . We were getting a serious interview , and if we didn 't pass , we weren 't going to get him . Once we got Milo to the car , he couldn 't wait to go for a ride . He didn 't even pay much attention to his former mistress . When her son using his crutches got to the car , however , that was a different story . Milo stayed next to him , and as we back backed slowly out of the parking space , his young master stayed next to him , their contact was finally broken when his mother placed her hand on his arm to keep him from falling and to let us go . That moment broke my heart , but as we were driving away , Milo went to point with his nose out the window as though he knew he was beginning a new adventure . When we got him home , we placed the plastic bag his other mother had packed for him next to a chair where he could easily get to his toys . We didn 't mix them with the toys of the other dogs which were in a doggie bed because we wanted the other dogs to respect his toys as his own until he felt comfortable sharing . Tippy , our shephard mix and Duke , a full blood ( and snipped ) tri - color sheltie , were good sports about his arrival . They played with him only as rough as he wanted , and he wanted to play plenty rough ! It was like he was expending as much of the extra energy he 'd built up as he could . It didn 't take us too long to realize full tilt was the only way he played , or did anything for that matter ! So here we were with a large chihuahua , seemingly with a built in power cell , and we were just a tad shell - shocked . We 'd never seen a chihuahua so big or so determined to be a big dog , so we decided to find out just what breed he is . With just a few clicks of the mouse , we had lots of pictures from which to choose , and we eventually determined him to be a Deerhead chihuahua . The two signature features of this dog are his hind legs are longer than his body , and his head resembles that of a deer . Thus , the breed was name Deerhead . His long hind legs give him an odd walking gate , but he can run like a grey hound ! When running full out , his hind feet actually pass his head . It 's also believed that this breed is one of a few breeds that are descended from foxes rather than simply bred smaller and smaller from wolves . Getting back to Milo 's story … After we got him home , he acted like he was a guest for the first few days , but as he realized he wasn 't going home , he did begin to settle in . After all , the only one who 's opinion we didn 't get about his moving from one family to another was Milo himself . He was the only who couldn 't express an opinion , or so we thought … One evening while we were watching TV and the dogs were playing with their toys , Milo came to a sudden stop in his activity . It was one of those things that really shouldn 't get your attention , but it does because of the total lack of movement . After a few moments of standing there , Milo dropped the toy he was playing with ( it wasn 't one of his ) , walked over to the bag of toys his previous owner had packed for him , and he very carefully began removing his toys and carrying them , one by one , across the room to drop them near the small basket bed we used for collecting their toys in one place . He repeated this activity until ALL of his toys were in a pile near the basket with the toys belonging to the other two dogs . It was kind of like , after one week , he decided , " Okay . I 'll unpack now because I think I 'm going to go ahead and stay here . " It was at once funny and heart gripping . He 's at once an unstoppable power house ( until he drops to recharge ) and a very small soul who still needs some special looking after because he may never completely heal emotionally from that early abuse , but he 's our Little Man . He 's our Milo here to stay . NOTE : I know I stressed United Humanitarians a bit early on in this . I did so because they are great people who are all volunteer . Even the vet does not get paid . All charges are for supplies and to cover their cost of medicines . Look for one near you to volunteer or donate time / money . If there isn 't one near you , there 's sure to be a shelter or rescue group in need of your time or assistance . The following statement was attributed to Ghandi , but it 's not known if he really said these words or not . If not , it 's still a great saying : " The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated . Should I Even Be Writing a Blog ? ( and what am I to do about a depressed pig ? ) Posted on February 10 , 2013 by Rune Believer Folks have told me how much they enjoy reading my blogs because it 's like having a conversation . I 've been told I write as though I 'm talking to the average person in my circle of friends . I don 't use really big words without following up with a sentence explaining what I mean , and I talk about things to which folks can relate , even if it 's somewhat vicariously . That bit of a pick - me - up inspired me to pay for a whole new year of having my very own domain name , and that was months ago . I haven 't written a damn thing since . Why ? Because I honestly don 't know if I can support a blog that 's all me ? Who wants to read about me ? Who wants to keep reading about my pet pig … who now , with permission , lives under the house . ( I 've already crawled under the house to repair the A / C duct work she tried to walk across . Now I 'm going to have to go back under to repair the heating duct work she also failed to successfully cross . I 'm actually enjoying myself , as she is creating meaningful things for me to do ! ) Can I now make my little blog meaningful ? Can I take my little corner of this crushingly infinite corner of the universe and make it interesting enough for other people to care ? For other people to find a bit of themselves in what I put here ? Can I make my words into something to inspire someone else to say , " YES ! I want to be here ! " , or am I reaching for too much ? Even as I type this , I wonder how long folks will remain interested in reading about my little corner of the universe , how I do or don 't relate to the cosmos ( or our screwed up society ) in my little corner of existence , and my stress about having a pet pig always in danger of being shot because we have yet to find a way ( or the help ) to keep her closed safely in our yard . I love her , and losing her would devastate me . If you don 't really know me , you have no idea the mess I could possibly become . I 'm not going to lie . Each day it 's the Nine Noble Virtues that keep me here . At times , I suck at living up to them , but everyday , they help make decision to stay to be a great big ' Yes ! ' I have some lovely friends who have adopted me as family who also help me stay . The key element there is LOVE . I must also give credit to my Mother . Sometimes we have our blow - ups ( some of which cause me to meltdown ) , but every night at bedtime , she comes to me for a hug . She says it 's for her , but I know her " I love you . " is all for me . It 's her tossing of a lifeline for me . One day after a particularly bad go round of medical testing results , she hugged me and said , " My youngest baby is older than I am . " She was referring to my physical condition , but with teary eyes , she also looked into my eyes where there were no tears . What good were tears going to do me that day ? The universe had decided to kick my ass again , and I was pissed ! I was sad , too . I love my mother , and all of this is no good for her health either . Then , there 's my dad . We fight terribly , and I have a habit of going straight to Mom with it . Today my Mom told me I have to stop doing that . He told her he does love me , and he worries about me . He just has no clue how to show it that doesn 't piss me off . That would be an issue he got from his early 20th century father . The showing / expressing of tender emotions just wasn 't done , so he never learned how . I know he tries , but smartass comments , sarcasm and hyper awareness of everything I eat and when I eat it just doesn 't give me warm , fuzzy feelings . He also feels double teamed by the way Mom and I get things done around here . I know he feels that way , and it does bother me some that he feels that way ; however , on the other side of the coin , Mom and I feel we have to do things that way in order to get even the simplest things done . What are we supposed to do to get the major things that need to be done handled in a timely manner ? We don 't like double teaming him . We really don 't . It 's just that sometimes we just don 't know what else to do . It truly sucks all the way ' round . Okay … now that I 've unloaded all that crap , back to the depressed piggy . Daisy is pushing a weight exceeding 250lbs . Her move under the house hadn 't been planned , but when the satellite TV went out , some of the skirting was taken down just in case the repair man needed to go under . Daisy saw her chance , and she took it . After the repair man left , the skirting was sort of put back into place , but not properly . Finding the weak spot in the skirting , Daisy pushed her way through . Quickly getting over the irritation from the minor damage because it really was our fault for not doing the job properly , a discussion ensued . Despite rolling in the smelly mud of the ditch behind our house ( a behavior meant to deter mosquitoes , ticks and any other what - nots that bite ) , we know that Daisy does not like to have water drip on her . She doesn 't like rain or sprinklers tinkling on her . We also weren 't too concerned about any possible smells ( but we were going to keep our noses tuned just in case ) , because Daisy doesn 't do her business where she lives , and she never has ! Let 's face it , when we think of pigs , we think of dirty , filthy critters , not animals who like to soak in sun warmed kiddie wading pools . What do we call someone who is messy ? We call them a pig . Pigs have been seriously maligned . When held in captivity , pigs make the best of a bad situation . It 's not like most farmers are too concerned about the living conditions of future food when they have the pre - misconception that pigs are dirty animals and like to live in filth . Daisy proves that just isn 't so . Every day , Daisy leaves her home under the house , goes out by the back fence , and she does her business . Before she moved under the house , she split her time living under the drafty , drippy front porch and the drafty , drippy butterfly bush out back . To make her spaces more comfortable , she dragged a ragged blue tarp under the butterfly bush and a fairly good tarp under the front porch for her beds . When the fairly good tarp was retrieved and then giFor almost two weeks now , Daisy has been moping around . She wanders away from her food bowl without finishing to just flop down several feet away with her back to us and ignores all attempts at communication , and she stays under the house for a number of hours that is abnormal for her established behavior . There are only three reasons we can think of why she 'd be behaving this way . 1 ) She 's depressed because she 's feeling neglected , 2 ) She 's not happy that some of the shooting she 's been hearing lately is on our property , close up rather than far away , and 3 ) She may be preggers . 1 ) She feels neglected because I have fallen into the habit of finishing my morning chores and heading straight into the house . I speak to her , but I don 't brush or comb her the way I used to . Before , I 'd sit down on the ground or a short stool and spend at least 30 minutes of alone time with her . That 'd happen at least 2 - 3 times a day . Being a social creature , as all pigs are , she may be depressed over the loss of such personal social interaction . 2 ) We have recently begun practicing and honing our shooting skills . It 's good to learn I haven 't lost any of my targeting skills since I was the captain of the R . O . T . C . rifle team in high school , and I 'm not using a rifle anymore . BIG smile ! Unfortunately , Daisy and our dogs truly object to the shooting being so close to their home . They 're simply going to have to adjust . 3 ) Well … this one is self - explanatory . If we 're going to accuse female humans and hens of being broody , why not sows , too ? Although I 've been watching her physical form , I haven 't found any evidence to support that theory . 4 ) For the past few days , I have been going out of my way to give her personal time while she 's been feeding , and I have been brushing and combing her , an activity I had stopped lately . When I called her this morning , she popped out from under the house on the first call , and she waited patiently for her breakfast . However , the moment I started paying attention to the goats and chickens , she went to her corner with her back to the yard and refused to respond when called . As soon as I clicked the brush and the comb together in combination with calling her , she got up , trotted over , started eating again , and put her backside within easy reach for brushing . Yup . I 'd call that jealous and pouting . It 's a good thing I love her . I happen to like going back to bed after my morning chores are done . After all , the moment I stop moving , I 'm out like a light and not easy to wake . If I keep moving during the day , I wind up hurting like hell in the evening , I miss a few chosen TV programs , and / or I drop a lot of books on my own face . For that reason , I 've come to prefer paperbacks . They don 't hurt nearly as much as hard bound books when they smack you in the mouth . Seriously . PS : I 'm not sure what transpired under the house late afternoon 2 / 10 , and I 'm sort of afraid to look . You see , it sounded an awful lot like Daisy removed the duct work I had so carefully repaired after her last ' oops ' and then went on to remove a whole bunch more . I know what I 'll be doing while she 's eating her breakfast today . I just live to crawl under the house . Wet Wood and Other Things Posted on December 6 , 2012 by Rune Believer Well , here I sit outside with the dawn rising and the rain clouds moving in . I 've been trying for 4 days to burn the same damn oak log , but every night it piddles just enough to wet the log for it not to burn . At this very moment , I have just made a fast break for the feed barn , and I 'm sitting on a bale of hay . I must admit it is both a comfy and a nicely fragrant place to sit . On the down side , that damn log isn 't going to burn today , either . Oops … I seem to have squashed a spider . I hope it doesn 't have any aggressive relatives . Please pardon any wandering thoughts from nowhere . I 've not been properly caring for myself , in that I was up all night on that wonderful social site called Facebook . Also , please pardon any odd punctuation that may appear as I am on my mini laptop , and I can 't can 't find all the appropriate buttons , at least not on the first try , in the dark of the barn . Currently , I have a disgruntled Daisy hoovering acorns from the ground outside the barn . I take that back , she has now decided to join me in the barn . She knows I have some special apple flavored treats for her , but she may not have them right now . They are rather large , so in an further attempt to save money , I am taking a hammer to them to break them in half . She really doesn 't care about the size of the treat , just so long as she gets one . Since these are apple flavored , and heavily scented ( They really do smell yummy , and no , I have not tried one . ) , she finds them in her food bowl quite unerringly . Daisy 's manners when accepting treats have improved dramatically . One no longer has to worry about losing finger tips in her zeal to sample delights formerly unknown . She is quite the dainty lady in accepting her tidbits to g ' nosh , but do not get between her and her food bowl . That 's a whole different story . Of course , that 's only when the oak trees aren 't dropping acorn like mad . Last year we didn 't have enough rain for them . This year we 've had just enough rain to have a plethora of acorns . Daisy is quite the Hoover when it comes to those . Between her preference for the acorns and the squirrels eating the acorns , I am actually saving a fair amount on hog pellets and whole corn . Unfortunately , that means the hawks are quite healthy this season , as well . I 'm definitely keeping a sharp eye out . Ironically , I have not lost any of my birds to flying predators . I 've lost a baby turkey , a bantam chicken , a female duck and our only drake to our Sheltie , Duke . Poor , dumb dog , he was abused by at least two owners before her reached me , his fourth owner , and his herding instinct had become a killing one . As Dad says , if he were on a real working farm , he 'd be dead . Because of his history , he just isn 't allowed outside on his own when the birds are out doing their ' free range ' thing . Right now , my biggest concern is Daisy . She 's gotten of a size that any hunter out for food is going to go after her if she leaves our property . I 'm trying to figure out how to put a collar on her without her going truly ballistic . Not only would her size be a hazard , she 's of an age where she may be starting to develop tusks , if not those , then a couple of large teeth that you 'd best be wearing jeans if she smacks you with the side of her head . The Sh * t Just Keeps Rolling In , And … Posted on August 18 , 2012 by Rune Believer I 've decided I 'm insane , not a lot insane ( from my point of view ) but a little insane . After a few weeks of letting garbage build up in my room … next to my bed … I finally decided I 'd had enough of that particular malfunction , and I cleaned up my personal area . ( Oh , crap ! I just spotted two more Vienna sausage cans . Grr ! ) I picked up the cans - sausage , spaghetti rings and meatballs , soda , the candy wrappers , the water bottles , the prescription bags / empty bottles and the NetFlix envelope tear offs . I put a fresh liner in my waste basket , and I placed it next to my bed where it had been buried under the aforementioned detritus . I even sorted everything by recycle category . ( The previously overlooked aluminum sausage cans are now in the recycle bin . ) Who knows ? Maybe tomorrow I 'll attack my hair . Currently I 'm looking somewhat like Hagrid only shorter , no mustache or beard , and of course , I 'm female . A 6 ' 6 ″ male acquaintance of mine would simply refer to me as " … the Hobbit from Hel . " I adore him , so he can call me that if he wants to . I have every intention of velcroing myself to him at some point in the future , so it 'll all even out in the end . ( Failing Velcro , I 'll use duct tape . Between the two of us , that 's a lot of hair in jeopardy . ) Another part of my insanity is knowing I 'm fighting a losing battle , and yet I continue to fight it . This is in regards to my animals . My thought was to raise some food to help out with the added food bills when I moved in . Silly me . Although my father boasted to a magazine about the wild pig I 'd coaxed into staying with us , he never wanted me to be living here , much less any animals associated with me . It 's been over two years , and the goat pen isn 't finished . I would attempt to do it myself . However , I 'm physically much weaker than I used to be , and my father uses all the medications I 'm taking as his reason for refusing me access to his power tools . There 's a distinct possibility he 's correct in his assumptions of disaster with that activity . On the other hand , unlike him , I don 't have a history of almost removing body parts while performing simple tasks not requiring power tools . Anyway , it 's just getting to be too expensive to feed them on my income , and the sweet little pig has grown into a headstrong hog who has developed some aggressive behaviors when she doesn 't get her way . After being bitten by her a few times and knocked on my butt in mud this morning , I 'm seriously considering changing her name back to ' Bacon ' . I 'm not going to even go into the rest of the issues regarding the goats or turkeys . But still , every morning I get up and go care for them as they need to be . But still , I hold onto the hope that things will somehow work out . But still , I keep working hard to try to make everything work out . Crazy , huh ? My doctors have begun second guessing one another and playing ping pong with my speaking to this doctor or that doctor for them about something or other . Heh ! I distinctly recall signing a bunch of paperwork all over the county , so I would 't be having to do this very thing . I really want them to talk to each other , and leave me out of their professional disagreements ! For instance , the shrink I 've been seeing for years , who barely gives me 15 minutes every thr2 Comments Piggie Update , a Turtle and My Opinions Posted on June 17 , 2012 by Rune Believer The last time I posted , I bragged a bit on my piggie Daisy . My father did me one better . He decided to write a few paragraphs to send to Grit magazine ( the sister publication of Mother Earth News ) . Not only did they like what he had to say , they wanted pictures . I sent them seven , and they used three . The URL to the page in the next issue ( not out yet ) where the article can be seen is : http : / / www . grit . com / community / people / mail - call - wild - pigs - in - florida - zm0z12jazreg . aspx . One of the pics is a tad cute . We are , after all , talking about a wild pig who has decided to stay with us . I 've decided to add a couple of more pics here to give you an idea of just how big she 's getting . I 've cut back on both her food and her snacks . The last thing I want is an unhealthy hog , as I 'm hoping she 'll find herself a boyfriend soon . She may be off - limits for eating , but her progeny will have a much different future than hers . On to a different topic … one must be very careful when driving out here in the woods . You just never know what you 're going to find on the trail , or in this case , laying eggs in it . A couple of weeks ago , after a heavy storm with strong winds , I saw what I thought was just debris in the trail as I was driving out to the store . I 'm glad I 've developed the habit of looking closely at anything that doesn 't belong on the trail . That awkward limb sticking up in the tire track turned out to be a slider turtle laying her eggs very much where they didn 't belong . I called my folks , but by the time they got there with the excavating tools , she 'd finished and gone on her way . She laid several eggs which we relocated for the sakes of the babes . Now for the Opinion part of this tiny blog . As of late , there seem to be more and more Heathens chest thumping and declaring their ways to be more Heathen than thou is Heathen . Really ? Is this necessary ? How about those who are declaring themselves to be " real " warriors versus what others practice or those who view themselves as Spiritual Warriors ? What 's with all of this ' holier than thou ' , " You 're doing it wrong ! " crap ? Stop acting like Christians ! None of us in this age can be sure we are honoring our Gods and Goddesses the way our ancestors did . As a matter of fact , it 's pretty much a sure bet none of us are doing it exactly the way they did . All we have to go by are bits of Lore not tainted by Christians and larger bits of Lore definitely tainted by Christians . We all are honoring our Gods , Goddesses and Ancestors the best way we can . By the way , being a muscle - bound , bad ass with a history of violence certainly doesn 't make one a warrior , especially when we have Heathen soldiers in our country 's armed forces fighting for the freedom of other peoples in far away lands . I 'm not at all going to poo poo the Spiritual Warriors of Heathenism because one must conquer one 's own self , body and mind , before becoming a true warrior can be possible . If you don 't , you 're just another person playing Viking or justifying being violent with a self - delusion of grandeur . Then there are those who choose to follow some form of seidr as part of their path . Who cares ? In the time of Ragnarök , even though we already know our Gods and Goddesses are going to lose , we 're going to need every tool at our disposal . Please , people . Let 's stop the bigotry in our own ranks . As Heathens , we already have an uphill battle to be recognized as people of morality and good character with a sense of family and community . I had intended to do this while sitting outside enjoying the morning , but my head , stomach and encroaching odd perspectives ( odd even for me ) convinced me I needed to come back into the house . I 'd rather be out there , but I 'd also have a jealous piggy vying for my attention , as well . I just don 't have the energy to fight her off today . I went to bed last night with a mild headache ( which I 'd had all day ) , so of course , I woke up with a migraine this morning . In response , I took half of a migraine pill ( I had no desire to do any drooling today - the inevitable result of taking a whole migraine tab . ) , and I am now quite potted . Mind you that 's not just from the migraine tab . The migraine tab was taken along with all of my other meds which tend to leave me moving at a little bit of a tilt on my not - so - good - days . To be quite honest , I haven 't had a pretty - good - day for awhile , but I manage to push through day - by - day . I have to if I want to live up to the NNV ( Nine Noble Virtues ) . Those have become a very important part of my getting through each day . I am sooooo glad they say nothing about muddling through cheerfully . I have my moments , but I don 't think I 'd be passing muster on that one . Anyway , speaking of the piggy , she is growing quite fast . I wonder if it 's the pig pellets I bought , or if it 's the granola cereal with which I 've been dressing it up . That girl does love her granola . Last night she was being obstinate while standing up on the ridge just outside of the yard . She simply was ignoring being called to dinner , not responding to being called beyond looking at me . I told Mom , " Watch this . " At that point , I took a Kashi granola bar out of my pocket and wiggled the wrapper . In moments , I had an 80 + pound pig trying to climb into my chair with me . My Mom laughed and exclaimed , " Damn ! She has good hearing ! " One must please excuse her words . She very seldom curses , but it was very funny … until one considered the ramifications of me and an 80 + pound pig trying to share a common plastic yard chair which had seen better days . It became a race to get a bit of granola into her mouth and off my lap before anything untoward happened to the chair . I am happy to report that the chair is just fine . On the other hand , the piggy has a little problem with her po po ( butt ) . There are a couple of marks down one of her sides , a very clear paw scratch mark down her rump and a scratch / bite mark on her pee po . Do NOT make me explain that . I blush easy . Anyway , this morning was a first for me . I used some triple anti - biotic ointment with pain reliever ( great product by Equate the house brand of Wally World ) , and I treated the pee po of a pig . She was a bit shy at first , but once the pain reliever began to kick in , she stood still for the mutual embarrassment . I really hope she doesn 't develop a problem requiring a vet . She still runs from everyone who isn 't family , especially men . Speaking of men , my brother is arriving for Mother 's Day today , and they haven 't met . I 'm hoping she takes to him the way all other animals and small children take to him , except for her latching onto his leg and not letting go . Several years ago , he had a truly embarrassing incident with a small child at church . The poor little thing thought for sure she 'd found herself a new daddy . He thought for sure they 'd never get her loose from his leg and her screaming in heartbreak the whole while . The poor mother pretty much just wanted to get her kid loose and run . It all worked out in the end , but he made sure to not sit near them at church again . Okay , I 've run through a variety of topics applying to my morning so far . It hasn 't been a bad morning , just tilted … badly . I 'm hoping for a peaceful few days with my brother in the same house , but considering we can 't stand each other , that might be difficult . At least I have Mom to tell Dad and the bro to leave me alone . Somehow they manage to bond through picking on me . Sometime , I 'll tell you about the holiday meal I walked out on . I assure you , Mom was NOT a happy camper . Pigs Snuffle , but Dammit , They Bite , Too ! Posted on April 16 , 2012 by Rune Believer When I started this blog I had aspirations of keeping this up regularly and to write about topics of import . Then , I started sitting down to look at blank screens , blank screens I had no idea how to fill . I don 't claim to be a genius . I don 't claim to know more about everything which could be used for a topic . The only topics I know about are the topics which touch my life … such that it is . I say " such that it is " because my world has become so very small by the standards of , well , most people . My laptop is my gateway to the world … cyber world … a vicarious form of living , at best . I must admit to having more ' friends ' online than I do in the real world . Oddly , I feel a certain amount of safety in this situation , but it 's so very lonely , too . I 'm a touch person . I 'm a hugger . I 'm a holder . Voices are important to me , too . Words on a screen can be so very , very misunderstood without the emotional / personal cues always present in the human voice , the human face . Voices are comforting when the meanings of the words are clear from the cues when the written words may come across in another way entirely . Really . How many times have you found yourself wondering what someone really meant by something they typed ? Or have you found yourself in a tiff with someone only to discover that you 'd completely misread what they 'd said to you ? Maybe you 've found yourself desperately trying to remove your foot from your mouth because someone else has misunderstood words kindly meant by you ? I 'm guessing you 're wondering by now what any of the previous has to do with snuffling pigs who also bite . Quite honestly , it 's my new world . Trying to have a small farm in my backyard is a helluva lot harder than I had envisioned . Some friends of mine , folks I 've actually hugged quite a few times , make it look easy . On the other hand , they 've had a tad more practice , and I 've taken things somewhat further in the farm direction . My three turkeys have procreated ( no clue which the father is ) , and I now have 14 little , two week old , darlings who can already fly driving us mad trying to keep track of them all . Still with me and wondering about the pig ? Well … that started a few months ago with a big , black sow I started calling Petunia . Mom and I were grazing the goats when she just came wandering up and began hanging around . She looked like a pot belly that had maybe been dumped or escaped . It took a little doing , and a whole lot of whole corn , but eventually she allowed us to start petting her . Then she disappeared , and I was heart broken . I 'd heard some folks across the canal from us set their dogs on a pig , and I just knew it was my sweet Petunia . For days , I called them everything except people . A couple of weeks later , she showed back up with a small , copper colored piggy with black spots in tow . Around here , the mixture of color with the black spots indicates a domesticated hog got loose and found it 's way into a family of wild pigs . Those inter - breedings can lead to some very colorful wild pigs . Anyway , the little one was named Bacon because that was to be her destiny . Her destiny changed . One afternoon after they 'd wandered off , we heard some shooting . The next morning , Bacon showed up absolutely frantic . She dashed everywhere she and Petunia tended to frequent when they visited us . It didn 't take a whole lot to figure out that Petunia really was gone this time . As things would happen , we didn 't call her Bacon for long . Dad wasn 't a happy camper at all when her name got changed . He looked at me , but Mom explained it to him this way , " It 's personal now . We can 't eat her . " Daisy has turned out to be such a sweet girl , except when she 's aggravated , that 's when she goes from snuffling to biting , and she gets aggravated when you tell her " No ! " ( of which she very well knows the meaning ) , when you 're late with one of her meals or you touch her more times than she 's currently willing to allow . Of course , I push my luck everyday . Other than that , she 's training me quite well . Despite her being pig and me being person , I 've come to truly enjoy my time with her ( except , of course , when she bites ) . It 's peaceful and often it 's fun . When she 's feeling really good , she runs around literally kicking up her heels and having a high ol ' time . When she seems to be down , we just sit there , me in my chair and her in her mud hole . It 's nice . No pressure . No judgement , and if it weren 't for the damn invasion of traffic sounds from the interstate , we 'd be completely in our own little world unaware of the big , sucky world around us . Except that her sucky world starts when she leaves our property . It 's not safe for her and fortunately she knows it . I 'm afraid of the day she forgets . Then , I 'll lose her , too . I sure miss Petunia . I blame myself for what happened to her . I 'm the one who started feeding her , and I 'm the one who was working with her for the intimacy of touching . In my mind , if it weren 't for me , she 'd not have let her guard down to be killed . I know I seem to repeating those mistakes with Daisy , but I 'm trying very hard to make her happy enough not to leave , except maybe to find herself a local boyfriend , and come right straight home where it 's safe . There 's been progress in my relationship with Daisy . Mom took her and the goats out to the field for grazing . Since the goats didn 't want to play with Daisy , she decided to hang out with Mom … who then decided to see if she liked to crunch ice cubes . As it would happen , she did ! She also decided to let me pet her ! Yay ! Unfortunately , the vid of the event didn 't work out . I 'll try again soon , but a few pics did turn out . |
Well another Saturday night and I am going out as I am really looking forward to seeing my friends . We herd this week that our law suit against the P - Club and Chris Penner is over , the court upheld the judgment against him and he has no more options for appealing this . It will be a fun and interesting evening . I started getting ready about 5 which was a little later then I paned but was busy all day long . on the bright side I new what I was going to wear and just how I wanted to do my makeup . I wanted to try something new as I have been watching some online videos where woman use two different shades of foundation to contour and highlight their face . Now I did not go as far as they did but I did use a really light shade and a really dark shade in areas and then blended them and I think it turned out really well . there are many videos on this if you want more information . I actually think it turned out really well especially for a first try . I was ready to leave by 6 so it really didn 't take any longer to do this . I got to the Escape at 6 : 30 and went in . Cassandra was already there so we got a chance to talk about the court order and what it means now . Our attorney wants to get together with all of us and let us know what comes next , Now we did get a huge judgment against Chris Penner which really surprised us all and we really don 't think we will get anything but I am sure the state and especially our attorney will do what they can to recover the money as our attorney who was awesome and did a wonderful job did it all with no fees to us she gets nothing unless they recover money . now for me what is even more important than the money is the fact that it is now case law in Oregon that you can not discriminate against transgender or treat them any different the any other female and as they say on TV that is priceless . I am really looking forward to meeting with her one to thank her and also get more information . Well as I had on a new dress I had to have Cassandra take a picture as I tried a couple at home on timer but I wanted to make sure I had a good one also . Wow I really need to work on my pose as I really look stiff . well something for Susan to work on . Laura M and Dee showed up along with Cristine , Debbie and a few others so we had a good turnout tonight . Now tonight I did plat some pool , Cassandra and I were partners and played a few other teams and won . I actually made the winning shot on 3 of the games even though Cassandra made most of the shots . One team was was a male and female couple or at least I thought they were a couple at the start . Turns out they were friends and both thought I was beautiful . As a matter of fact the female asked is she could take me out for dinner , as a matter of fact she asked me several times and said she would give me her number which she didn 't but it still made me feel awesome . I think this is really the first time I have been asked out for a date by a woman and it was a great feeling . Now she is a lesbiEscape Bar & Grill | CD , cross - dress , cross - dresser , cross - dressing , crossdress , crossdresser , crossdressing , family , fashion , friends , Gender , miller , Oregon , portland , susan , T - girl , tg , transgender | Well it is Friday and it has been a wonderful week and I say that because we herd from our Attorney on Wednesday and the issue we had with the P - club and it owner Chris Penner is over and final , The court upheld the order in our favor . Greetings , all ! It 's been awhile since we have been in touch , but the time has definitely come to celebrate : BOLI 's order is finally final ! As you know , Penner appealed the Order to the Court of Appeals and argument took place last year in Madras . The Court of Appeals upheld the Order and Penner filed a motion to reconsider . The Court again upheld the Order . No further appeal is available , so it 's done ! There are no more appeals available to him and the order stands , we won . Now we can put this behind us and move on knowing that the State law does in fact give protection to those who are Transgender . I really wanted to go out and celebrate on Wednesday but just could work it out so tonight , Friday night I will be out and see some of my friends . I started getting ready at 5 and was already by 6 and on my way to Sweethome . I got there and Chris was there playing pool and also Samantha , She was in town again for the day and joined us tonight . It was good to see here again . She has a 2 hour drive to get here so she doesn 't get out as often . Well I ordered dinner and and talked a little with Samantha and a lady at the next table named Lo . I really like meeting new people . It wasn 't long and Sara showed up , she is a member from our group that lives in California and only gets to Portland on rare occasions . I think this might have been the first time I have met her though . She is really nice and I enjoyed talking with her . She is in town for the weekend so I am sure she will go out with us tomorrow night to the Escape . Roxy also showed up so we had 5 of us tonight . It was a fun night as I also got to see some of my other friends I have made here , Mareinna , Dawni , and Angie . This really is a nice friendly bar and the owner Paul was so nice and invited our group to come here afterIt was pretty busy here tonight as the other group had a member with a birthday seems January is a good month for Birthday if course since I had my birthday last weekend I have to support January for birthdays . Karaoke started a little late tonight but there were a lot of people wanting to sing . ne of the ladies sang the song To Sir with Love which I haven 't herd in a long time but I really like it and she did a great job . It was a fun night and again I was the last to leave as I stayed and listened to Dawni and Mareinna sing . It was about 11 : 30 when I left . As was leaving I herd someone call my name so I stopped to see who it was Amanda . she was just getting here . She is another one of my friends I have made here . We stood in the parking lot for a while talking . It was a good night and I am hoping to go out tomorrow night to the Escape as there will be more f our group there and I am sure we will be talking about the courts order and what happens now , we all feel like celebrating as it has been a long journey . It is hard to believe that this all started back in June of 2012 that we were excluded from the P - club , it has been 3 1 / 2 years . it doesn 't seem like it has been that long . We hope to meet with our attorney in the next couple weeks and find out what this all means and where we go from here . I will of course keep you all up to date on what happens next Well it is Saturday evening and I am going to the Escape for the night , I was actually going early as Peggy was also going to be out tonight and we were going to get together . Now I was really looking forward to this even after my interesting morning . I was meeting Peggy at 6 so I started getting ready about 3 : 45 . Now I was going to wear my black and white dress , I have only worn it once before but it really is cute and I really like the length as it comes just below my knees . I started with my shower and then started my makeup taking my time to make sure it was as perfect as I could get it . It is funny as I do really care how I look . Now I am not saying in my male life I don 't care how loo I just think as Susan , being a lady I want to make sure I am the best I can be . With my makeup all done I started getting dressed . now this dress is really pretty but a little tight so that means I had to put on my waist cincher and some hip pad which are things I don 't do unless I am wearing something like this . I took extra care to make sure the hip pads were straight and looked right . now this dress also has a key hole back narrow shoulder straps which I learned last time I have to tie by bra straps together so they don 't show which takes a little work , it is hard being a lady . I got this all done and put on my ring and bracelet and of course perfume something I forgot last night when I went out . Now it was time to get the dress on which has a side zipper and then a zipper on the back above the key hole . I unzipped the back part far enough to get my head through it as I can 't seem to get the zipper started behind my back . Finally I had my dress on and then my 4 " heels and I was ready . I got my computer and went out to my car in the garage and was ready to leave . Now the funny part as I was so careful to make sure my makeup was perfect , dress was perfect I new I was ready as I looked in the mirror for one last look at my makeup and you will never guess what I noticed . I had forgot my hair , yes I had my short short I was on my way by 5 : 10 and got to the Escape about 5 : 30 as there was no traffic . I got out my computer and waited for Peggy to arrive and I only had to wait about 15 minutes as she arrived about 5 : 45 . Turns out this is Peggy 's first time to the Escape . It was good to see Peggy again , Peggy is Cassandra 's wife and is totally supportive of Cassandra and all us T - girls and I am thankful to have her as a friend . Peggy and I had a wonderful time just sitting there and talking like to girlfriends , this is the normalcy that I so love when I am Susan . It is times like this when I can forget about being male or female and just be me and that is a wonderful feeling . I have so many wonderful friends in the T - Girl communities and I love them all but there is something about being able to spend time with people who are not transgender and being accepted as a person . Cassandra and Cristine showed up about 6 : 40 , some of the girls had gone to a clothing exchange today the Laura M . and her friend Jenny put on which was awesome of them to do that . I wish I could have gone but I had things I had to do during the day . Peggy and I ordered dinner as Cassandra and Cristine ate at the clothing exchange . A little after 7 Laura M , her Daughter and her friend Jenny showed up along with Laura H . , Dee and Teresa showed up so we had 9 of us here tonight . It is so cool that Laura 's daughter comes out with her . It was good to see Teresa again she also doesn 't get out with the group as much an more . Our group really is a wonderful group as we have members from the full range from wives and girlfriends , to friends and those who are supportive , to those who only dress at home on private to those who have or are in the process of transitioning and that gives our group a distinct perspective . It also gives one a chance to understand all aspects of the gender community a little better . Now it was a slow night here tonight so when Karaoke started Laura M and Laura H were the first 2 to sing and also the 4th and 5th to sing . They actually sand several times each while Cassandra played pool with some of the other costumers , there were 2 couples sitting by the window that had been playing pool since before I showed up . they seemed fine with us and it turns out they were visiting Portland and had come here for the evening to play pool . Cassandra won several games against both of the men and one of the ladies although the lady almost won . I think they had a good time even though they lost to Cassandra . It was a little before 10 when Peggy and Teresa left . It was sad to see them leave . I really enjoyed visiting with them and I look forward to seeing them again and maybe getting together with Peggy again for dinner . I stayed a little longer and listened to some more Karaoke and watched Cassandra win a couple more games of pool , she was really having a good night for pool . It was about 10 : 30 when I paid my bill and called it a night . I said my goodbyes and left . Cassandra was also leaving and I had some stuff for her in my trunk so we walked out together and move the stuff from my car to hers and then I was on my way home . It was a wonderful night out with my friend well they are more like my family . Now tomorrow some of the girls are going to watch the football playoffs at 52nd street sports bar and although I am not a big football fan it would be fun to go but I can 't as my other side , my male self will be spending it with my faThanks for reading Okay this is not my normal post as most of my posts are about by time going out as Susan but I just had to share this . Now normally when I gat home on Friday nights I am tired and I just want to go to bed and as such I don 't remove my makeup . I know this is bad as everything I have read says you shouldn 't sleep in your makeup as it is not good for your skin but I figure 1 night a week is okay plus I wash my sheets on Saturday so I can clean any makeup off of them . Now the other reason I do this is on Saturday mornings I get up and write my blog about Friday night and although I really don 't dress just to stay at home I enjoy the time writing my blog as Susan so on Saturday morning I get up and touch up my makeup and I have a really casual red dress that I have used for when I am just at home that I put on and then my dark hair and I go downstairs . I make some oatmeal for breakfast and eat as I do my blog . Now one reason I don 't dress and stay home as I really want to go out when I am Susan but the other reason is I am afraid someone especially family will stop by . Now my parents have a code to get into my garage as I am storing some of their stuff in my garage and of course once in the garage they could come into the house . Any way because of this I sit in the front living room facing the front window with the curtains open about half way so I can see if a car pulls into my drive plus I can also hear the garage door open in this room and this has happened on a few occasions and I had to run upstairs and get in the shower . Now I have had a few close calls over the last few years . The problem is the unexpected . Well I was sitting their this morning eating breakfast and writing my blog when I saw something move outside my front window , someone had walked up my front sidewalk , there was no car in the drive but I heard a knock on the front door . Now of course I had that moment of panic as I wondered who it was . I figured it was someone walking around selling something or maybe leaving political flyers . I thought about getting up and going into the kitchen incase they so they wouldn 't see me if they looked through the window . Before I could get up and moved I saw someone looking through the window and I had that panic again as it was the neighbor lady , not one of the ones who knows about Susan at least not that I know . Now I am on the far side of the room and of course it is not real bright inside so I am sure she didn 't get a really good look at me but she waved at me and went back and knocked on the door again . Now I was caught between a rock and a hard space as she has seen someone and new there was someone home . I thought for a brief second and then got up and walked to the front door . I took a deep breath and while standing kind of behind the door I opened it a couple inches , enough to talk with her . now she really couldn 't see me except for just a little bit of my face . She asked if I was home using my male name . I as calmly as I could told her no he wasn 't . She asked when I would be home as she had no hot water and didn 't know what to do and was hoping I could come look at it . I told her he ( I ) should be home in about an hour and would let him know . she thanked me and left . I don 't know if she knew or recognized me . I went back and finished my breakfast thinking about what had just happened . After breakfast I went and took a shower being sure to get all traces of makeup off . now back to my male self I had to work up the courage to go next door to my neighbors and see if I could help her . Now I think I more more worried and scared going over there lie this wondering if she new it was me or if she would say something about it or ask me who the woman was that answered my door . I walked next door and checked things out , looks like she had just tripped a circuit breaker so I reset it . She thanked me for my help and we talked for a few minutes before I left and went back to my house . She never said anything about the person who answered the door or gave any indications she suspected anything . After wards I wondered what she would have thought if I had just opened the door to her and let her meet me . Two of my neighbors do know about Susan and they seem fine with my this but they have never met Susan face to face . Maybe some day . Well that was how my Saturday morning started off and it has made an interesting blog . Thanks for reading Well it has been a busy week and unlike last week where I got out 4 times this week I was busy every day so I am really looking forward to tonight . I think how far I have come as Susan and accepting this part of who I am . I am quite comfortable expressing this side of myself and Susan has an impact on pretty much every part of my life . It is fun to look back on my blogs and see how I have grown which is why I started my blog and I am fast approaching 800 blog posts . I also want to thank all of you who have read my blog and followed my journey . I never really thought people would even find my blog let alone read it . I started getting ready by 4 , even after all this time I still look forward and enjoy my time becoming Susan . I really think the best thing you can do for yourself and to stay healthy is to have something in your life you love to do and can look forward to and for me that is Susan . I would encourage everyone to find that one thing in your life you love and embrace it . I took my time getting ready and enjoyed it . I was ready by 6 and on my way . I got to Sweethome by 6 : 20 and went in . Chris was there playing pool . I got out my computer and caught up n some e - mails . Robyn showed up so we had 3 of us and it wasn 't even 7 yet . We talked for a bit and then ordered dinner , the special tonight was Chicken Cordon Bleu and it was awesome . they really do have good food here . this really is a nice friendly neighbor hood bar . Jan and Lynn also made it tonight and it was nice to see them again . Roxy and Michelle also showed up s we had a good group tonight . Michelle brought me a donut that was decorated to look like a swan , it was really cute and as I had already had cheesecake for desert I decided to save it and take it home . Now there are also all the friends I have made here and I look forward to seeing them also . some of my friends here are Heather , Dawni , Mareinna , Jessica , Michele , Amanda , Angie , Rachel and her wife Heather , Kelsie and more and they were all here tonight . it really is amazing the people I have met and got to know as Susan while being out as I still remember when I just dressed at home . Karaoke started and that is always fun as I love watching them sing and on the songs I like I do sing along at the table . it was a fun night . As it got later some of our group left , Chris had a pool tournament early Saturday so he didn 't stay as late as he normally does . by 11 it was just Jan , Lynn and I left from our group . It was just a little later when Jan and I paid our bills as we were getting ready to leave , Jan and Lynn left but I stayed just a little longer as I liked a couple of the songs they were singing . one was My girl and the guy who sang it did really well and had the whole bar singing with him and several or them dancing . it was a really fun night . It was about 11 : 40 when I left but it was a good night . Well it is Saturday and even though I have had a chance to be Susan 3 times this week I am going to go to the Escape tonight to hang out with my friends . I started getting ready at 4 so I could get there a little early as I do have a few things I need to do on my computer . A nice shower and time to do my makeup . now I start with my foundation and wouldn 't you know it none comes out . Now I know I have another bottle but I can 't find it . Seems I didn 't put everything back after I hid everything during the Holidays when I had family over , I spent about 15 minutes looking for it before I resorted to using Q - tips to get as much foundation out of the bottle as I could and was able to get enough to do the job . Now don 't get me wrong still enjoyed getting ready just a little bump in the road which I am sure other woman have had happen . I got all done with my makeup and was deciding what to wear tonight . Now if it is busy at the escape I will have to park across the street and walk so I decided I would wear my cream sweater and my 3 " cream wedges as they are really comfortable . I started getting dressed and went to put my panty hose on and they had a run so I went to get another pair only to find out I had no more except for a pair of jet black ones . Well I knew the shoes would not look right and wasn 't sure about the dress so back to the closet . I looked over my dresses and I have a really cute dark blue dress I love but it is a little short but with jet black panty hose it would be fine as they almost looked like tights . I put them on only to find they are not the same size as I wear , they were really tight but I got them on and chose my 4 " spiked heels as they look really good with this outfit . I was ready to go by 5 : 45 so I was going to be able to get there by 6 . I got my stuff and got in the car , as I sat down I noticed how short the dress was . Seems they always ride up when you sit but the black panty hose worked . Now with these heels I was hoping getting to the Escape early would let me park right in front . I got there just a little after 6 and there were several parking spots right in front of the door so I was happy . I got my stuff and started to get get out of the car and as I swung my legs out I felt my panty hose go and anyone who has worn panty hose knows if you can feel it then it is more than a run . I turned on the light in my car and I guess they were to tight as they were shredded on the right leg . I couldn 't wear them as they really looked bad so back into the car and I removed them so now I have a short dress that I will have to be careful with all night . I guess you have to have one of those nights where everything goes wrong . I got inside and got a table and ordered dinner and got out my computer as I waited for others to show up . Laura H . and her friend Lisa were the first to arrive . Debbie and Laura M arrived a little later . We also had a few more girls show up so we had 9 of us all together . We had a nice time talking and watching football . We watched the last quarter of the Green Bay Packer and the Arizona Cardinal 's game . It was a really good ending , I am not a big football fan but when you get t the playoffs it is a lot more fun . Arizona won and I think from the reaction in the bar that was who most people were going for . After the game they started Karaoke which is always fun , I don 't sing but it is fun to listen as some of them are really good . It was a good night out as always and after a rocky start it all went well other them being careful when I sat or stood with my short dress . It was about 11 : 45 when I went and paid my bill , said my goodbyes and left . Rate this : Like this : Like Loading . . . January 17 , 2016 Posted by susanmiller64 | Well it has been a good week for Susan as I got out long enough for a manicure and pedicure on Tuesday and then again on Thursday for a short visit with my friend in the hospital and now Friday is here and I am going out again . now I wasn 't sure how many or even if any of our group would be out as I know Chris wont be at Sweethome tonight but I decided I would go anyway and at least have dinner . I really love my Susan time . Okay I am going to take a little side track here as I have been getting a few people telling me I should transition and that I know I want to so I thought I would take up this topic and I want you all to know I did do a lot of thinking about this before I decided to put it in my blog . No I do not want to transition , I do not feel my body is wrong and I do not want to be a woman physically . now that being said do I think or wish I had breast , yes when I am Susan I would love to have real breast , wider hips , narrower waist , and while we are at it 6 inches shorter and smaller feet but this is just when I am Susan . when I am my male self I don 't wish for these things . I like my male side also and although the Susan side is stronger I need both so if I did transition full time I would still be a crossdresser as I would at times be crossdressing back to my male self which is strange to if you think about it . Now yes if men could have long pretty nails I would do this all the time as I love them and yes if men could wear makeup I would probably do that all the time , if men could wear dresses and heels I would do that too but not all the time . there are parts of being Susan and being feminine I do wish I could do in my male life . now don 't get me wrong I love going out with my friends as they are a big part of my life and who I am , they have helped me become who I am but what I really miss is the for lack of a better word smaller things in life , the more routine normal day to day things . I think that is why I enjoyed spending time with my friend and his wife at the hospital . Why I love going and getting my nails done . the things woman do on their own or in small groups of one or two . To just be out as myself doing day to day things and being accepted . I have gone to many nails salons over the years and always been treated wonderful , Dream nails where I go now is awesome and they always treat me like I belong there . I do get a few looks from some of the other woman there but I have never had a bad experience or anyoneNow this year I can 't make it to Diva Las Vegas which is really sad as I do look forward to spending 12 days living full time as Susan and getting acrylic nails . On the other had this gives me a little over 2 weeks of vacation have to use in the next 3 months and as I was saving most of it for Diva Las Vegas now I am thinking what else can I do . I will take a week in February and a week in March and I am thinking maybe of getting acrylic nails for one of those weeks and even if I don 't do that I will defiantly go to the nail salon and get them painted a pretty color and I will probably get the gel polish so they stay pretty the whole week , not sure if I will go any place though but it will be nice to have pretty nails . Well back to tonight , I got all ready and was on my way by 6 , I got there by 6 : 30 and parked and went in . it was a little busy but no one from my group was here . I sat at a table and got out my computer , went up to the bar and ordered dinner and caught up on some work while I waited . I was still not sure if any others would show up but I figured being Susan here and having dinner was better then being at home . Besides Sweethome has really good food . Now although no one from our group was here the other group that comes here was and I know several of them and a few of them came over and talked with me , Heather who is so sweet and awesome . she knows everyone and always has a hug for you and I think we all need more hugs . She came over and we talked for a while , Also Dawni and Mareinna ( she was in boy mode tonight ) came over and gave me hugs also . I really think this is the best part of being Susan , being feminine is that it is normal for woman to greet each other with a hug . You know this may be why woman live longer then men . Well I decided to stay and see if any others showed up later so I finished up my work on my computer and then went into one of the chat rooms and chatted with a couple friends for a while . It was about 8 : 45 when I saw Robyn at the bar , she had just showed up . We sat together and she said Diane and a friend of hers name Jill were also going to be here tonight so that was nice . They both showed up around 10 . I know Diane and it was good to see her again but I have never met Jill before and I really like meeting new people . Turns out Jill used to be in a band Called The Nasty Habits which is a Transgender rock band . She lives here by Portland now and she is in a new band also . how cool is that . It was nice to talk with her and get to know a little about her . It really was a fun night and it was 11 : 45 when I called it an evening . Thanks for reading and have a wonderful day and remember be who you are and don 't let others influence you into being someone you are not . Rate this : Like this : Like Loading . . . January 16 , 2016 Posted by susanmiller64 | Well Thursday night Peggy and I planned on getting together and visiting our friend and her wife in the hospital . We were going to meet at the hospital at 6 as I new where her room was . now I got home and decided to go a little early , Thanks to Google I found out there is a Starbucks right across the street from the hospital . now with normal traffic I can make it there in 30 minutes but this would be during rush hour so I figured I could go early and spend a little time at Starbucks . I started getting ready as soon as I got home and I was ready a little after 4 and on my way . Traffic was really bad and it actually took me almost an hour in a half to get there so it was about 5 : 30 when I got to Starbucks . I parked and went in and got a drink and sat down and caught up on some work on my computer . this is actually a really small Starbuck 's probably the smallest I have been in . I spent about 30 minutes here before leaving and driving across the street to the hospital . Peggy also got caught in the traffic so it was about 6 : 20 when she got there , we met in the parking lot and then went in together . We found her room and it was good to see her again , she looks a lot better . Her wife has been here at the hospital non stop since she came in . We had a really nice visit with them . It really is fun do be out as Susan and do things like this , it is such a normal thing to do . We spent about 2 hours here chatting with them so it was about 8 : 15 when we left . It was good to see them again and also spend some time with Peggy . Rate this : Like this : Like Loading . . . January 15 , 2016 Posted by susanmiller64 | I got home today and had a couple hours free today and I thought why not go get a manicure & pedicure . It has been a while I was thinking I last went in November but looking at my blog it was October 13 when I last went and got my nails done . Now I would love to go ever 4 weeks but I can 't swing that so I was hoping every 6 weeks . it is a little expensive for what I can really get as I can 't go all girly but I still enjoy it so it is worth it for me . This really is one of the fun things girls get to do . Any way I got home at 3 and called Dream Nails to see if I could get an appointment Anna my nail tech said she could get me in at 4 , s o I was off to get ready a quick shower and shave and then I started my makeup . Now I was ready to leave by 3 : 45 so I had a little time to kill as I am less than 5 minutes away . I was on my way and got there just before 4 and went in . Now I figured a Tuesday afternoon and a cold and rainy day , yes it was really raining hard would be a good day to go , turns out a lot of ladies thought the same thing as they were really busy . All 4 nail tech were busy and there were 3 ladies waiting , glad I called and made an appointment . I picked out my color a really bright pink and sat down . Anna was still finishing up on a young lady so when she went to wash her hands she got me going in the pedicure spa . now I sat there soaking my feet in a massaging chair while she finished up with the other lady . it was about 4 : 15 when she got over to me but I didn 't mind waiting as this really is a wonderfully feminine experience . She started my pedicure and it felt so wonderful , if you have never had a pedicure you really should . It was so relaxing and in the end I had beautiful pink toes . Next came my manicure , now I would so love to have the same color on my fingers , I did this back in October as I was on vacation that week . I decided to go with a clear gel polish again well actually the one I picked is clear pink which has just the slightest pink tint to it which gives my nails a really healthy look . she did an awesome job and I was really happy . I think I will try to do it on a vacation soon and get a really pretty color . As she was finishing a man cam in and wanted a pedicure , he took his shoes and socks off and rolled up his pants and one of the nail tech started to give him a pedicure . now I was pretty sure he wasn 't going to get a pretty color and the fact I am guessing he will put his shoes on when he is done he probably wont get any polish but he was still able to enjoy a pedicure . this is the first time I have seen a man in a nail salon getting a pedicure . Maybe things are changing and men will start taking care of their nails . It was about 5 : 30 when I was all done . As I said it was going to be a quick night out and I had to head home as I had some things I had to do but of course I had to get a couple pictures . I love having pretty feet . It was a fun timManicure & pedicure , nail salon | Dream Nails , Gel polish , manicure , nail , nail salon , pedicure , polish | Well I had the chance to go out Saturday night also as I was going right by the Escape on my way home from seeing my friend in the hospital . I got there about 6 : 30 and was the first from our group . Now I have been out all day as I left home as Susan at 10 am this morning and I was a little worried how my makeup looked so my first stop was the ladies room to check my makeup and to my surprised it held up pretty well . now this picture is from earlier in the day but I still looked the same except a little shiny which was easily fixed with my compact . Cristine showed up and shortly after Nicole , she had contacted me that she would be in town tonight so I was looking forward to seeing her again . It was almost 2 years ago when I met her for the first time while I was out shopping and we have kept in touch on Facebook . I really do like engaging in girl talk when I am out and its not just about feminine things we talk about everything but what I mean is as Susan I am more willing and comfortable in talking with people as Susan . now of course we were also watching a football game also while we talked , yes females can like football too . Laura and her friend Jenny and Dee and her friend also showed up . they had gone to see the movie Danish Girl and they said it was really good . there are actually 3 movies I really want to see so I may try to go see them as Susan . it is funny as everything seems more fun as Susan . now of course we were also all talking about the Powerball jackpot as many of us 33 had gone in together and bought a bunch of tickets and at this point we were all winners as they had not had the drawing yet . It was a fun night out and soon Karaoke started which is both good and bad . it is fun to listen to people sing but it also gets loud and it is hard to talk . I talked some with Nicole about Diva Las Vegas . I am not sure if any of our group will be able to go this year . I know I can 't and Julie and Cassandra wont be able to make it either . Any way Nicole is thinking about going in 2017 and I know I want to goNow I did have to take a few pictures of my makeup as I thought it turned out well today . I really do love to play with makeup and try different looks . Thanks for reading and have a wonderful day . Leave a comment « Previous Entries About HI all my name is Susan Miller and I am a crossdresser in my late 40 's . I live in the Portland metro area of Oregon in the beautiful Pacific Northwest . I like to dress up as a woman and go out with friends . This does not mean I am gay , far from it . I am only attracted to genetic woman sorry guys . I just have a love of all things female , makeup , dresses , high heels and long nails , acrylic nails . There is nothing like going to the nail salon and having your nails done . I am not a woman trapped in a man 's body and I have no desire to be a woman full time but I do have a woman inside that needs to be able to express herself . I guess the best way to explain is that I have both a feminine and masculine side to me and both feel right and comfortable to me although I will admit that I probably lean more to the feminine side . This means I am more gentle and caring and more soft spoken and I enjoy a lot of what society would call feminine activities . I just really like being Susan sometimes and I love dressing up and wearing pretty clothes and makeup . Women are so lucky . They have all the cute clothes and shoes while men get plain boring stuff to wear . Please feel free to read my blogs and leave comments , but please be respectful . I do not judge others and respect your right to agree or disagree with the way I chose to live . I would love to have you post a comment and you may agree or disagree with me and my life and I will not delete it as I think it is important to have all views but if you leave a disrespectful comment I will delete that . Also any crossdressers or genetic girls that are okay with this please feel free to contact me . Also if you have any questions please feel free to ask and I will do my best to answer them but remember any statements made here are the sole opinion of Susan Miller and no one else . |
Today Jesse got promoted to a first lieutenant ! ! ! He hasn 't gotten pinned yet , but he will in the morning by his battalion commander . He says he will send me plenty of photos . I 'm going to hold him to it . I FINALLY got contacted by the new FRG ( Family Readiness Group ) of Jesse 's battalion . We 've been trying to get in contact with them for a while ( other FRG leaders , Jesse and his resources overseas , and me ) . I finally got an e - mail . Now , I just gotta make sure that this is where I absolutely need to be . We shall see ! My day overall hasn 't been very eventful . Mom , dad , Stryker , and I went out to the new place to try and get some more painting done . We still aren 't finished but we are confident we will be done friday . Thank goodness ! Dad and I are going to go out and get some paint tomorrow ; I have a long list of stuff to do since it is my day off . Maybe I will get it all done . Who knows . More pictures will follow ! So , I am hoping that this week brings me much happier things ! Today I 'm taking the day to relax from my crazy week . I almost wish this weekend wouldn 't end , because this week will be the first solid week of Christmas shoppers . Should be fun . Yesterday we spent all day painting . We brought the dog with us to keep a good eye on him . I can give him benadryl so I did that so he could get some much needed rest . He was doing pretty well until the very end - leaning against a wall of fresh paint . Twice . Good job , Stryker . I 'm posting photos at the bottom here with painting photos . Last night I went out with some friends for some drinks . Lets just say that I had a little too much to drink . Normally I am VERY good , I 've only drank to the point of sickness twice in my entire life . And the last time I got sick was at Jesse 's house when he lived in Lakewood . We 're talking 2004 . Yep . Jesse should be at his somewhat permanent FOB by the end of the week . I should have an address to give at this time . It looks as though he will be a platoon leader ( PL ) of an armor platoon . They don 't believe that this will hurt his career in any shape or form . The FOB he goes to will also have a lot of amenities that the current FOB he is at doesn 't have . I know he 's excited for that . Thanksgiving for him was good , I hear they had lots of beef , ham , and turkey . All of it was cut off of the bone . They had all the fixin 's , including lots of pies and cakes . It sounds like he ate his heart out ! As for me , I 'm going to working , painting , and trying to get things in line for the house . Hopefully everything goes smoothly for me this week . I 'm making a long list of things to do . We need quite a few new things , we did toss some stuff after this move . I plan on focusing on these things come the new year . I swear my week is in some crazy downward spiral . So , I go to bed last night late . . . . Later than I should ( again ) . I got woken up at three o ' clock in the morning from my husband 's phone call . Not too bad , right ? Well , I had some crazy splitting headache ( discovered once I woke up ) which made me sick to my stomach . I was trying to carry on a conversation , but it was so hard . Jesse at three in the afternoon his time was ready to chat it up ! He wasn 't quite so happy when I didn 't talk enough . We got off the phone , I popped two ibuprofen and tried desperately to go back to sleep . My head hurt so bad I couldn 't even lay down without it hurting . Then and there I decided no Bed , Bath , and Beyond in the AM . I would still trek out to Freddies ( for my socks of course ) but I needed more sleep . My alarm went off at 4 : 15 . I turned it off . My mom came in to wake me up ( thinking I fell back asleep after my alarm ) , I told her I 'd be getting up soon . Jesse then e - mails me ( which goes to my phone ) at six AM . I finally get up and talk to him for a little while online . My dad was up early this morning , and so I talked him into going with me on my shopping expedition . A little bribery from Starbucks doesn 't hurt ! We picked up stuff we needed and went back home . I immediately called the vet and got Stryker back in . I did a few things then took him to the in , and the vet told me that our next step was to get a biopsy on my dog 's nose . GRAND . So they use a " punch " ( I know they call this that to remove moles off humans . . . Don 't ask how I know this ) on the dog to do that . And lets just say you DON ' T want to know how much that costs . So we went ahead with the biopsy , and I left him behind while I tried to keep myself composed as I left my baby at the vet . It wasn 't long after I got home that my mom got home . We headed to the house , decided on paint colors , went to JoAnn 's , came home . Then we went to pick the dog up . The dog has an infection . A really bad one , not one that is going to be able to be treated with regular antibiotics . It 's an infection that gets in the skin and hair follicles and " doesn 't normally just pop up out of no where " ! ! So my dog had to be put under anesthetic , his face biopsied , got stitches , and woken back up again . When we picked him up , he was still groggy . We have the " cone of shame , " the same antibiotics ( they 'll change them when we get the full results from the biopsy ) , pain pills ( which I had to get from the human pharmacy ) , and benedryl . I believe I only give him pain pills and allergy meds when he looks like he needs it , but LORDY that is more pills than I 've ever taken at one time in my lifetime ! So Stryker got home and went to sleep . Dad and I went and got lunch for tomorrow , animal food , meds , and paint . I still have to get everything together to go to the house tomorrow ( for painting of course ) and everything else . Oh and I desperately want to go to sleep . I have got to get some rest sometime here ! I don 't believe I mentioned a couple of things that I did yesterday , so I 'll go over those . Work wasn 't slow , but people aren 't buying a ton right now . I have a feeling when all the SBCT 's ( Stryker Brigade Combat Teams ) come back from their units in Iraq and Afghanistan business will be booming . . . Two - thirds of Fort Lewis soldiers are currently deployed . I 'm absolutely positive things will pick up a ton this weekend , thank GOD I 'm not working ! I did make some sales the other day - more than I probably should 've . But either way I 'll get a little extra cash for Christmas . Jesse had called me on the way home , and I was bombarded by my brother when I walked through the door . I got to talk to Jesse for a little while , which was longer than normal . I know I already mentioned what was new with him in the last blog , so I won 't keep you reading about that ! After I talked to Jesse we went out to get some pizza and some things to make cider for my brother . We finally convinced him to jump on the crock pot bandwagon , and he was itching to make this cider . So , we picked up supplies for him while we were out too . I could tell that Fred Meyer had already started gearing up for Black Friday , one place I am going to try and hit up tomorrow . We headed home , ate pizza , and watched the Biggest Loser special . I stayed up way too late , which I decided I need to get under control . With my future work schedule I 'm going to need all the extra sleep I can get ! Today I got up and gave Stryker his meds . He seemed to be doing okay - - not as well as I would 've liked . Mom and I went out to our house on post to check out some paint stuff , which took a bit longer than we would 've liked . We had to stop at the store , made a pit stop at Starbucks ( I had to get Jesse a travel mug ) , and came home . By then my dad and brother had already gone to Paul and Jeanne 's ( where we were doing Thanksgiving dinner ) . I almost had a panic attack when I saw Stryker 's nose . Dad had taken him out for a walk with the other dogs and his nose was huge . It is getting worse , and I 'm trying my hardest not to go into a panic . Why does it always get worse at the worst times ? So , his new bed is taken away , no more rough housing at the park , we 're going to be vigilent with his meds , we 're going to be getting a " collar of shame " ( for those of you who have seen the movie Up ) , and I 'm calling the vet tomorrow . I 'm doing hot compresses on his nose off and on ( recommended by the veterinarian ) , which doesn 't seem to be doing anything . He 's also bleeding more from the abscess . Ugh ! So we went to Paul and Jeanne 's , they had already started dinner ( thanks to my father who didn 't tell us they were going to start eating ) . They had a lot of food , which was good , and we did get some to eat . I would like a pumpkin or pecan pie here at home ; I think mom is going to pick one up at a later time . I thought I might hear from Jesse , but I know he had a lot to do today ( it is Black Friday there already ) . I stayed for a little while but was getting so worried about Stryker that I wanted to come home . Since I drove , Taylor and I headed home . They were just watching a ton of football anyway . I am slacking on my Christmas cards . I have considered not sending a Christmas letter this year , I don 't like the fact Jesse isn 't here to help proofread everything . Not that I can 't write a letter , but sometimes I don 't get the acronyms right . We 'll see how that goes . I skipped yesterday in updating the blog . . . To be absolutely honest I think the events in my life finally came to a head . . . Add in some stress and emotions from this week combined with a deployed husband that doesn 't feel like being very pleasant and I was pretty pissed off ! Anyway , I went into work today , venting a few frustrations ( mainly of my poor dog ) and I treaded through the day . Well , I might as well start from the beginning of yesterday to give you a low - down on how everything came together to this point . Yesterday I got those keys ! I posted photos yesterday on Facebook , I will include the photo album at the end of this blog . The house wasn 't a lot like the show house we saw weeks ago , but I have to admit I 'm pleasantly surprised . I liked some of the other houses they had on post because of the way the kitchen / dining room / living room was set up , but the house we 're going to be living in has raised ceilings , a decorative ceiling in the living / dining room , wood floors downstairs , and a very large master bath . We 're the third family to live in this house . I turned in my prorated rent and met the housing people at the house to do the walk through . It was like a walk through I had never done before , because the guy that did the walk through could 've done it without us there . He seemed to make good notes about the " damage " to the house , they were very general . So hopefully " scratches on the floorboard " won 't come back to haunt us , even though my family and I will likely do our own walk through to make sure they got everything ( my dad and I did do a little walk with the housing person too ) . We have 10 days to notify them if need be . I then looked at some paint samples , double checking colors . I am definitely am doing some revisions to my previous pain selections . I then snapped some pictures , we unloaded the CRV , locked all the doors , and headed out . We went to the PX and got paint supplies , and then went to the Commissary and picked up a few things we needed there . I have to say the PX was dead , while the Commissary was keeping their normal reputation of being busy . Dad and I headed home and I did some stuff at home . My mom and I decided that we were going to go to JoAnn Fabrics so I let the dog out to use the bathroom . Now , I know I mentioned in my one of my last posts that Stryker 's face was swelling . Well , it was fine monday . Tuesday , not so much . His nose , eyes , and lips were swollen when I let him in from outside . Not only that but his nose was bleeding - not from his nostrils but from the top of his nose . It was almost seeping - like from an insect bite . I called the vet and then made an appointment . I instructed dad to keep an eye on the big boy while mom and I went out ( I bought fabric to make Jesse an Oakland A 's blanket ) , and we came back home in time to take him to his next appointment . On a dog - related note , he weighs 85 pounds , not 95 like we thought . I don 't know how that works or if a dog can even have his weight fluctuate that much , but regardless he 's not as heavy as we thought . Stryker got his temperature taken and then the doctor came in . I have to say I like this veterinarian because he was nice ; sometimes you just get a veterinarian that just isn 't too pleasant . Mom and I have had pretty good luck at this place though . He swabbed Stryker 's nose , looked at it under a slide , and came to a conclusion . Stryker had eaten or come in contact with something that was irritating his skin AND there was something else . He believed Stryker also was developing a nasal " infection " of sorts - apparently a common ( possibly genetic ) infection among German Shepherds . This infection can progress quickly and if bothered and / or treated can lead to scarring and hair loss . So basically they gave him a shot and some antibiotics . If we run out of antibiotics before the infection is completely gone we will have to get a new prescription . The antibiotic can also make the boy sick . I feel horrible for my dog right now ! I did talk to my husband yesterday and today . He might be moving FOBs ( Forward Operating Bases ) , but nothing is one hundred percent at this point . But basically he will be " detached " from 2 / 1 and " attached " to another unit . He 's doing well , he likes in battalion commander , he knows a couple more people who are going to be heading out to his unit ( from IBOLC ) , and he 's had a lot of time in between things to watch movies ! They were supposed to have a pretty decent dinner tonight for Thanksgiving , since there it is Thanksgiving morning . Today I woke up and then immediately checked on my dog . His swelling had pretty much gone away , and I figure that whatever had gotten him must have passed . I will continue to keep an eye on him and his activities , making sure the swelling doesn 't come back or happen again . Then after I did that , I jumped into putting together Jesse 's care package . I quickly figured out that I couldn 't fit everything into one box , so I made sure to take anything " breakable " out of the box . I made sure everything was packed tightly and taped it up ; I reinforced the corners , taped all the way around the box on all sides , and made sure the tape was doubled up so it couldn 't open . Then I realized that I missed my dentist appointment I had today , which made me stress out . I quickly called and rescheduled it , but turns out I can 't get in until January . Not even January , but the END of January . Oh well I guess , there is nothing that I can do about it now . I helped dad do some cleaning before mom got home , and did some stuff on the computer . My mom and I ended up looking at paint samples for the house . I 'm still trying to figure out what color I want to do in our bedroom , something that looks good with a rich red color . Wish me luck ! I want to do a pink in the laundry room , possibly a blue in the kitchen , a tan or green in the living room or dining room , a tropical blue in a bathroom upstairs , and possibly a red in the master bath . We 'll see how that goes , I 'm struggling a little bit because I 'm not really able to look at my furniture in comparison . So I might just buy two different colors of paint , and start there . Maybe wait until we move everything in before I decide everything else . Dad and I loaded up the CRV with stuff to move onto post . It 's going to be an early morning tomorrow , since I need to go on post and give them some cash before move in . I can 't WAIT to see the house and post photos . That reminds me that I need to charge my battery to my camera ! I hope that all of you had a great monday and you have a great week ! So today I woke up to a dog jumping on my bed . As soon as I realized it and my head hit my pillow , my alarm went off . I turned my alarm off and decided to go back to bed . When I finally woke up an hour later , I looked at my phone ( which the first thing I do when I wake up ) . My friend Stacy and texted me to see if I wanted to go to breakfast . I have to say my timing was pretty good because I had noticed the text almost 15 minutes after she sent it . So I we worked out a time for breakfast , and I got ready for the day . We tried this place downtown , which was new to all of us . It was a pretty decent place , you could tell that it had been around for a while . I forget the name of it , but it was good . After that we went to Target ( Stacy bought a sweater for her cat Tini , which was funny ) . I bought some more stuff for Jesse 's care package , which of course has far exceeded the amount of goodies that a sane person would ! We headed back to my house to work on my project of the day . I made all the stuff I planned on making : pumpkin bread , orange cream cookies , and peanut butter cookies . I watched probably 2 disks of CSI while making cookies - it seemed to take forever ! I also arranged , cut , packaged , and vacuum sealed everything to send . I am very tired . Then I realized that my dad left my dog out for an hour unattended , and I only realized this when he " pawed " at the door ( it sounds like he ran into the door with his head ) . I let him in , and then was getting a good look at him . I had to wrestle around for his feet to clean them off , and I 've been noticing some strange things happening to his face . I realized today that I wasn 't crazy , his face was swollen ! It 's around his eyes , nose , and lips . It 's nothing too crazy , but noticeable nonetheless . So , my first task tomorrow morning is getting the big boy into the vet to likely get a shot . I don 't know what he stuck his face in , or when , because I noticed he seemed to be developing a bump on his nose yesterday . Only today did I notice his hair and lips look quite strange , and feeling it with my hands I almost panicked . It doesn 't feel like anything big like cysts , but it is very bumpy . It scared me ! He 's not lethargic or having any issues with food ( if anything he 's eating more ) , so I 'm not rushing him into an emergency vet . But it has moved to the top of my priority list tomorrow ! So today is the end of a pretty boring week . I can 't say how excited I am for the week ahead . I have much going on , and this is a run down on my daily schedule : Sunday : COOKIES ! ! I am making Orange Cream cookies and Otis Spunkmeyer Peanut Butter cookies for Jesse 's care package . I already bought him an air mattress and razor blades that he needs , so that will go into the package . I 'm getting the feeling as of right now I might have to send two separate care packages . . . We 'll see . Monday : I need to get my money order for on post housing ( Fort Lewis won 't let you write a check or do cash , let alone a debit card ) . I also am planning on sending one package and getting more customs forms to mail out future packages . New customs form from the USPS are coming in to fill out so they are even more of a pain in the behind ! I also will be loading the car to get some stuff out of the way from my parents house . Tuesday : I have to be on post early to hand in rent money , then off to the house ! I will get my keys , do the walk through , and move a small amount of stuff in . I plan on snapping some photos ( which I will post here and Facebook ) and then dad and I will likely make a trip to both the Px ( we might buy some paint supplies ) and the Commissary for some Thanksgiving Day supplies . Thursday : Thanksgiving ! We may take a trip out to the new place for both mom to see and to make sure that I have a good idea of colors to paint the house so I can pick that up ! Then we 'll be doing dinner over at a family friend 's house , which is the Stagner residence . Friday : Or should I say , Black Friday ? ? I will probably make it out early in the AM to Fred Meyer 's Sock Sale . The have half off of socks ! I can 't resist . Maybe I will go shopping somewhere else too - - but we 'll have to see . I will most likely be picking up some coffee at Starbucks too ! Then that afternoon / evening I will be picking up any needed paint and paint supplies . Today I went out to Petsmart and bought Stryker a new Christmas toy ( photos to be added to the November photo album ) and then we went to Walmart . I needed more supplies for Jesse - including the air mattress I mentioned above . I also got more Food Saver bags to vacuum seal cookies in , along with some ziplock baggies to pack stuff for Jesse . Again I 've said it once , I 've said it a million times . . . I am obsessed with Jesse 's care packages . It 's a little scary sometimes . . . haha . Our friend Stacy also came over tonight , and gave me a Christmas card to send in the package . I know I 've mentioned it before , but I 'm going to mail Christmas cards to Jesse that are mailed to me here at home . So if you 'd like Jesse to get a Christmas card , note , picture , photo , or letter feel free to send it to me . I don 't know when I 'm going to have an address to give to everyone ! Another thing is I 'm considering getting those new shoes from Reebok , the Easy Tones . I like the look of them a little bit better than something like Sketchers . I do know that losing weight and / or toning up doesn 't just happen with wearing some sneakers , but I think that they may not hurt along with an exercise routine . Anyway , I 'm thinking about it . I noticed that this month I will far exceed entries than past months . I find it a challenge of sorts to try and beat my last month 's " record . " Today I feel indifferent , almost unmotivated to write a blog for today . Today I don 't have much of anything to update on Jesse . All I have to talk about is myself . Yesterday I started to get a bit stir crazy being in this house . It is a different experience moving back with mom and dad . Some days are better than others . That is something that rings true in my day to day life , and something that is expected in being a military spouse . By no means am I naive to this fact , but the last few days have been tough . Not as tough as I believe that they can be , but tough nonetheless . For a distraction yesterday I decided that I would go with my mom to Costco . We looked around for a while , and I am amazed with how many samples they give out in the middle of a day on a week day ! Not only that but I 'm starting to notice a holiday buzz . . . There were a lot of people there - especially for the middle of a week day . I managed not to spend a lot of money at the store ( a surprise for a store like Costco ) , purchasing a Cooking Light book - " How to Cook Everything " - and a new dog bed for Stryker . I 'm sure Jesse 's going to be thrilled with the fact that I bought Stryker a new dog bed , but Stryker keeps sleeping on a dog bed in my parents room . His bed is very fluffy and round , and he seemed SO excited when he got his new bed . I had to pull the tag off and then I called him into the bedroom where I dropped the bed onto the floor . He was wagging his tail as much as Stryker wags his tail when he 's excited ( which isn 't much ) and immediately laid down on the bed . It was SO cute . The rest of the evening he followed me around , almost like he was thanking me for his new " toy . " Today I was determined to do something . I tried to talk my dad into going shopping at Lowe 's or Home Depot , but he quickly talked me out of it . So , as he did some of the routine cleaning he does before my mom gets home , I flipped through my brand new cookbook to find something to make for dinner . As flank steak sounded like a good idea , I decided against it . I decided on chicken with cider and bacon sauce along with brown and wild rice , broccoli , and bread . Dad and I went to the grocery store , took a little drive , and came home . Mom was home examining her new cookie press and was itching to use it . So we decided to make chocolate spritz cookies . After we were finished ( I guess I should probably say my mother finished because I didn 't help out that much ) I packaged up a dozen and vacuum sealed them to send them to Jesse . After that I shooed mom out of the kitchen and started to make dinner . We ate and then I returned to my room to watch some Dateline mysteries on tv . I also got some flat rate boxes in the mail , and am slightly disappointed with the size of the boxes . But I guess that 's the deal - you get a flat rate but probably won 't be able to package everything you want . Oh well I guess . Next week is going to be a busy week , and I hope that everything goes smoothly . I really hope the week flies by . I am looking forward for the holiday season to be over , if I could skip it this year I would do so . In the new year I plan on taking on cake decorating and doing some more intermediate classes with the doggie . Maybe I can get him to learn how to walk well on a leash before Jesse gets home ? Maybe I 'll take on some knitting or crocheting too . Which brings me to another thought - Stryker is in need of a new collar . I found this website a while back that sells collars , dublindog . com . I bought Stryker an Ezy Dog collar ( ezydog . com ) after the two of us had adopted him . And it smells . Bad . Don 't get me wrong they 're great products , but its time for a change ! The new collars that they make at Dublin Dog are more of a rubber material , water doesn 't get into it at all . I 'm thinking that the collar I like is a camouflage pattern but is white , yellow , and black . I think it would look kinda cool on an all black dog . We 'll see what I end up doing ! I 'm sure I 'll keep everyone with pictures of the doggie and his new collar . First , I am eager to tell you about a specific mail program they are starting for soldiers called " Hooah Mail . " Please note this program starts December 1st ! It is a program that was created for family members and friends of deployed soldiers which allows you to go to a website ( www . hooahmail . us ) and submit letters to troops overseas . Oh , and it 's FREE . Gotta love that , right ? ? Here 's how it works : Visit the website ( listed above ) and register . Add the recipient to the address book ( please don 't forget if you need rank , by December 1st Jesse will be a 1LT ! ) . Compose a letter . Add photo if desired . It will print in black and white . I HIGHLY recommend this ! Send the letter . This is how it works in country : The letter is sent to a secure server . The designated Army Post Office downloads the letter to a special machine which prints , folds , and seals it . The letter is delivered to the soldier through the unit 's mail call . For more information you can visit : Also , I know many of you are itching to send care packages ! Chances are if you want to send a package to Jesse for Christmas it 's not going to be possible . I highly recommend sending something to a much lonelier GI if you have this itch ! One reason why Jesse became an officer was because he wants to be able to teach , share , and help fellow soldiers . I know how that he believes that you always need to take care of your soldiers , and a great way to do that is to visit the Red Cross : This site makes sure that our troops get much needed encouragement . This is a time of war and polls show morale is down among our troops . I 'm sure many of you say to yourself that I need to put my money where my mouth is . . . . And I want to let everyone know I have a personal list that I received from the Brigade HHC ( Headquarters company ) FRG ( Family Readiness Group ) of injured soldiers from 5th Brigade which I have sent Thanksgiving and Christmas cards to at Walter Reed Army Medical Center . If there was a way for me to make every one of our troops happy - - especially over the holidays - - I would do it ! Next I wanted to talk about the new book I received today from Military One Source . The book is " I 'm Already Home . . . Again . " It 's a guide to " keeping your family close while on assignment or deployment . " I think that every so often I 'm going to post a blog about something in this book . I know many of you that read this blog have or will have a family member or spouse deployed , and this book gives some cute ideas to keep things fresh . I absolutely know for a fact if you send letters , care packages , e - mails , etc to your deployed family member they will absolutely brag about you to everyone possible ! ! This goes over especially well if you 're a girlfriend / spouse / fiance . So keep it fresh ! ! So I realized just now I have NO album of Jesse fishing . Whoops . I don 't really have anything to update at this moment . . . . Except 6 more days ' til I get the keys ! Yay ! I 'm so excited to share photos with everyone and Jesse ! I will post pictures of the house probably empty , while we 're painting , moving , and putting away . Hey , Jesse 's not here so I have to make sure he feels here , right ? ? He did tell me that his battalion commander is appointing him to help out some fellow LT 's . He didn 't have any emotion either way about it , but I figure it 's a good thing . His battalion commander seems to be a pretty down - to - earth guy too , which is nice . I have already figured out what is going to be in his next care package too . And since I know he never reads this blog , I can mention it here so it will be a surprise ! My friend ( and co - worker ) April 's daughter was selling Otis Spunkmeyer cookies ( YUM ! ) and we bought some peanut butter and some m & m cookies . I picked out the m & m cookies , so I 'm going to bake up the peanut butter ones and send them . I 'm also going to bake these orange cream cookies , which I hope are reminiscent of the orange creamsicle cookies that he likes so much in MRE 's . Then I 'm going to be sending him TONS of junk food , along with his Army Times , People magazines , and something he actually needs : razor blades for his razor . For those who are curious about what they eat there , Jesse is pleased with their chow hall . On fridays they have " themed " days , one day was surf and turf . Jesse said they had steak ( which he ate ) and king crab legs ( which he didn 't eat ) . They also got Baskin Robin 's ice cream . I 'm not quite sure what they do on holidays , but will probably find out soon . They also get free calls on holidays , but they get limited to 20 minutes a day . They also have long lines , computer time is very much the same if not longer of a wait . I just wanted to write a quick blog about my brother Taylor . He celebrated his 22nd birthday last thursday , and he decided to come home this weekend for his celebration ( and as I say , presents ) . We watched the movie " Up " friday night over some Papa Murphy 's pizza , then went to bed . Yesterday we did our traditional birthday gig : Dinner . We went to Duke 's Chowder House ( my mother , father , and brother all love their chowder ) down on the Tacoma Waterfront . This is also the same place we went to for our " last supper " here in Washington before we went on our adventure to Georgia early in the year . I tried their lobster chowder - - which was interesting . I don 't think I 'm much of a fan of chowder , unless of course it is salmon chowder . I love my salmon ! After Duke 's we went to the Melting Pot for an untraditional dessert . We had dark chocolate fondue , with an array of crazy dippers which included small pieces of cheesecake , marshmallows , chocolate covered marshmallows , strawberries , bananas , and rice crispy treats . I seriously think that the Melting Pot has the BEST dark chocolate EVER ! We then headed home for gifts . He got a Crock - Pot and toaster ( both of which he didn 't have at his apartment ) , a tie , some Starbuck 's VIA instant coffee , a coffee mug ( which has a nifty little compartment to store the coffee packets ) , a flannel shirt , and a cookbook in which I supplied him with some of our favorite recipes . Who doesn 't like a man that cooks ? ? Today has been relatively uneventful thus far , I have heard from Jesse even though we both thought our conversations would be few and far between for a while . I really need to start writing stuff down to remember to tell him ! I always feel like there is nothing to talk about . . . Then when we get off the phone I suddenly remember . I 'm a major fan of lists . . . . Jesse told me that I would be ok when he left because I would make all of my lists of stuff to do and get things done . He 's such a goofball . It still will be probably another month before we get a decent address for him . There is also a really good chance that once he has a change in venue he will not have access to phone or internet AT ALL . I 'm thinking there is a possibility that he might get access every three weeks or so , but we will see how that goes . That is all for now ! I will post November photos soon - - possibly later tonight after we drop my brother off in Seattle ! OH - - and the countdown is almost on - - Just a little over a week until we get keys to our NEW HOUSE ! ! Yay ! : ) So my days tend to be pretty uneventful , but yesterday was a good day . I worked yesterday , and got a text message from our friend Stacy . I have known her since junior high , she met her boyfriend , Alan , in high school . The two of them got engaged soon after . It was almost three years after graduation that they met my then boyfriend , Jesse . Her and I had kept in touch every so often after high school , but started to become close again after Alan was diagnosed with cancer . He thankfully got through it , and Jesse got dubbed as " cousin Jesse " in Alan 's family . I needed a change in my job , and applied at Hoya Vision Care in Tacoma where Luann ( Alan 's mom ) , Bobbie ( Alan 's sister ) , and Stacy 's dad all worked . I got the job there , and Jesse and I have since kept in contact with everyone . And back to yesterday . . . I got a text message from Stacy telling me that she wanted to make an apple pie and asked me to help . Needless to say , I came home from work , changed , then headed over . Stacy made dinner ( which were delicious egg rolls ) , we went out to the hot tub in the apartment complex ( it was an indoor hot tub ) , and made an apple pie . Of course me not considering that I would be running around in a bathing suit , I didn 't bring sandals . So , I got a pretty good laugh when Stacy saw me in a bathing suit and furry boots . The apple pie making was interesting too - - but what happens in the kitchen stays in the kitchen ! ! I haven 't spoken to Jesse yet today , but by the time he calls me it won 't be Veteran 's Day for him anymore ! I did wish him a happy Veteran 's Day yesterday though . He is my hero ! On another note , my father went with me on post today to sign the lease for the house . I got a copy of the lease and everything , but won 't have keys still until the 24th . I drove by the house so that dad could see what it looked like and the people who live there already have a U - haul truck parked out front getting ready to move . I 'm guessing on post they need a good 2 weeks to fix up the house because that was about the time they needed at Fort Benning . I have a briefing that I 'll have to go to , I have to register our animals on McChord along with getting their microchips updated to the correct address . Then I 'll have to go and get a digging " permit " to put up a 4 - foot fence for Stryker . In all , I should be pretty busy after I get those keys ! And you can have up to 4 animals on post in your house . Hmmmm . . . . LOL . That 's not going to happen , don 't worry . It is awful tempting though ! If you are local here , we 're going to be doing some painting in the new place the 28th . If you 're interested in helping , please let me know . My e - mail is marissa . mcadam @ gmail . com . Also if you live in this state , tonight at 5 PM they 're going to have a special from Ft . Lewis talking about our units based there . So , you may want to tune in ! I know that it 's nearly Veteran 's Day and I am going to dedicate a blog tomorrow to our veterans of this great country , but I wanted to shed light on a couple of articles that I found today . They come in my newsfeed to this blog ( currently located on the right side of the page ) , and I saw some positive words that I felt were uplifting to me personally . I wanted to share them with you . One article is about support for our troops overseas from our local community , and more specifically Puyallup . I highly encourage you to visit anysoldier . com to " adopt " a soldier ! This article goes to show the impact that you can have on a soldier , a VETERAN 's life . The link to this article is : http : / / www . theolympian . com / living / highlight / story / 1029981 . html Second is an article I feel embodies the feeling of many of the military wives ( and even some of the military serving overseas ) that I know . How true I feel that this is ! I do have to say that I don 't believe everyone feels this way , but I want to share the article from a spouses point of view of the war : So today was a pretty busy day for me , I have a temporary address for Jesse at the moment , in which I sent a ton of things he needed to . We don 't feel as though we should share the address with anyone at this time , just because this address is a temporary one . There 's a good chance in the next few weeks he should have his new one , and with the time it takes to get a care package , it has the possibility of missing him . So , as I said before , I went and sent him some stuff that he needed , along with some stuff that he didn 't really need . . . But they were fun . Above I have a photo of my stationary that I am going to write him on ( along with some care package items ) . All this stationary is different colors , and have different colored envelopes . I 'm pretty excited about that . . . Even though I think I 'm the only one between me and him ! Other than that ( which I spent most of my morning doing ) I got ready for work and headed out to the Tacoma Mall . I called my friend Katie ( my friend from Fort Benning and IBOLC 's FRG ) on the way out there , it was nice talking to her ! It feels like it 's been forever ! In other Army news , I am getting placed in a Headquarters Company FRG ( Family Readiness Group ) of 2 - 1 . I 'm very excited about that , finally getting more to where I would like to be in the FRG . Jesse is excited too , happy that I 'll be in the loop of the happenings of the battalion . It 's exciting ! There 's going to be a lot going on this week and the week of Thanksgiving for me ( and my family ) so I hope time just flies ! I will post plenty of pictures for all of you to see . My brother 's 22nd birthday is on Thursday and he 's coming home for the weekend . We 'll be going out to dinner along with doing cake and gifts . . . . Which reminds me I have to go shopping ! That is all for now ! I 'm tired and am going to a Southern Living Party and then off to work tomorrow ( or should I say this ? ) afternoon . I probably won 't post more until at least Sunday . First of all , I would like to say that my thoughts and prayers are going out to Ft . Hood tonight . How horrible that was ! It 's very tough to see soldiers turning on soldiers in the worst way possible . Being a spouse of a soldier it hits so close to home . There is enough danger and worry as a spouse ( or a close family member or friend ) to someone in the military , and its even worse to hear of this type of situation . Its hard thinking that this is the first time something like this has hit a military base , and it adds salt to the wound to find that this tragedy was created by people who live , eat , and breathe this same life as Jesse and I do along with many of our friends . It is just heartbreaking . It should be interesting to see if this event changes security measures on our posts nationwide . Here at home my mother had off today and decided to do some much needed cleaning and decorating ( for Thanksgiving ) and my father got home early from work . He did get laid off , an event that happens quite often in his career as an ironworker . It is good to hear the economy is picking up , for they are expecting more work again in January . So there is that possibility that he may not have a job through this Holiday season . He and I took a trip to the store ( I 'm a little obsessed with finding stuff I can send to Jesse ) , and bought a lot of stuff . Or at least probably more than I need to buy at the moment . But , I feel good enough about it . I also was on the hunt for some very large cardboard photo mailers for some large photos I 'm going to be sending out around Thanksgiving . Most everyone that follows this blog will likely get a photo of Jesse in or with their Christmas card this year . I also mailed my Thanksgiving cards today , which I know seems a bit premature , but I had a couple people I wanted to get them out to sooner than later so I just sent them all ! I also stocked up on my stamps , I 'm gonna need ' em ! So , my point to this blog today ( other than my aforementioned updates ) is to try and give you some do 's and don ' ts for Jesse 's specific care packages . I also will offer some suggestions . I know many of you remember Jesse 's last deployment and sent things to him then , but I may bring up some points you want to consider . I also may bring up some stuff that may be cheaper and easier to do . All things I am discovering myself through this deployment along with Jesse 's experience with his past deployment ! DO 's & DON ' Ts : - Keep in mind Jesse will have to likely carry around anything you send him . Many sites recommend sending " fun " stuff like mini Christmas trees , decorations , etc . Most likely that is something Jesse will not do , for in the Infantry they often times don 't sit at a desk , they are going out and doing missions . If you send something like that Jesse ( nothing against the person who sends / wants to send the gift ) will throw it away . - Sending candy is fine , as long as it won 't melt in high heat . I wouldn 't send chocolate for that reason , even though chocolate chips in cookies and such should be fine to send . Besides that , Jesse doesn 't really care for chocolate candy anyway , he prefers things like Mamba 's , Swedish Fish , Sour Patch Kids , Skittles , etc . Include a ziplock bag with anything like that you send ! - Letters & drawings / pictures from kids would be a good morale booster for Jesse ! He may not hold onto them for a long period of time but I know he would appreciate them ! Please don 't send anything that you would NOT want to be thrown away . - I am going to send any Thanksgiving and Christmas cards that I receive onto Jesse so that he can see them . Please let me know if you need my address . If you want to send cards to Jesse that is fine too . I likely will be sending him packages bi - weekly and letters daily . - USPS offers FREE boxes , larger envelopes , and priority mail tape to military families ( and probably friends too ) . This includes 10 boxes , 10 customs forms with envelopes , 10 shipping envelopes , and a roll of the tape . Call ( 800 ) 610 - 8734 for this " Mili - Pack . " It does take money to ship the box but it 's a flat rate . You can visit www . usps . com and look up " Supporting Our Troops . " - Also , make 100 % sure you send it addressed to Jesse specifically . When I get the address I will post it EXACTLY how you need to send a package to get to Jesse . If you are interested in sending a care package to any soldier , visit www . anysoldier . com , do NOT send it to an address with the name as " Any Soldier " or anything of the like . It will not go anywhere . I may add / subtract from this list so I don 't keep posting stuff about care packages on every blog . So if you need a reference it 'll be here ! I do not have an address for Jesse yet , I 'm thinking I will by the end of the weekend ! There ARE restrictions to what you can send . Please take note of those , even though I don 't believe anyone will send most of the things they list ! Please e - mail me with any questions . My e - mail is : marissa . mcadam @ gmail . com ! No , I don 't have an address yet ! But I wanted to post some information about shipping , shipping restrictions , etc . USPS does have a flat - rate box you can buy specifically to shipping to an APO address . They also list restrictions and such here : - Do keep in mind that it can take up to 22 days to get a package . If you are on the East coast , it will probably be quicker . - Regular letters and items requiring regular postage will likely be quicker than packages . - Keep in mind that they have hot days . Anything that might melt or be damaged more than likely WILL be damaged . I am going to send him some stationary for Jesse to use to mail to people ( and myself of course ) because chances are e - mail or anything computer wise will be difficult to do . Computers there are also VERY slow and there are time limits . I don 't really think Jesse enjoys that much so he probably won 't be contacting anyone much that way . I will post an address ASAP . On another note , things with me are still fine , I 've been busy . Yesterday I worked on our Christmas cards close to all day , my mom and I took the dogs for a walk , and then we worked on my Army no - sew blanket . I will post photos of the blanket , it 's a hit among all of our critters . Daisy , Luna , Spuz , and Gwen have all slept on the thing ! I rolled over on Spuz this morning because I didn 't know he was there ( he never sleeps on the bed anymore ) . Oops . Today mom and I went to Scrap ' n Book , Aaron Brothers , and a paint place to do some shopping . I think I 've decided that I want to paint one room pink ( probably the laundry room ) but we need to see inside of the place before we make any concrete decisions . I can 't wait to see that house ! Jesse called me and let me know that he does have a battalion now . He hasn 't linked up with them as of yet , but should be with them in 1 - 2 weeks . He is going to be with 2nd Battalion , 1st Infantry Regiment ( also known as 2 - 1 ) ! We are both very happy , and it really does take a load off because 2 - 1 is a battalion that hasn 't been making the news as often as some other battalions . So it 's very exciting ! ! He doesn 't have an address or a platoon , and probably won 't have either for a little while . He also does not have good access to internet . So , talking or contacting him through Facebook or e - mail is probably not really going to happen much or if at all . Land lines also are hard to come by , there are a few phones but not many and usually there are a lot of long lines . For me today was an interesting day , my brother had come home for the weekend and we drove him back up to the University of Washington today . We swung by the Apple Store in the University District on the way home to check out some stuff . Then my dad and I went by the storage unit to check on our household goods that are in storage , and changed out the damp - rid in there . I made some mental notes on how much stuff we have in storage and what I might be able to move in our CRV . After we came home and I went with mom out to the store . We looked at all kinds of cute stuff , I picked up some candy here and there to send Jesse . Also since Jesse is going to be gone for such a long time , I 've been stocking up on baking supplies and stuff , and with the holidays coming up everything is on sale so I say , why not ? Other than that , like I did say earlier , Jesse won 't have an address for a while yet . I will make sure to post it when I do get it . I already have a box ready to start packing for him ! |
Asking someone out on a date is a simple task that frequently becomes a terrifying conundrum of fear , self - doubt , and anxiety . It 's full of tough decisions : How do I ask ? In person ? Phone call ? Text ? What do I say ? Could this person be the person I end up spending the rest of my life with ? What if this is the only person for me ? What if I fuck it all up with the wrong message ? For the modern dater the first decision is picking the medium to use : call or text . Some people even throw e - mail or social media messaging into the mix . Just a generation ago the landline or even a newspaper classified ad would have been a first stop to finding romance . Today , though , we look at our screens almost immediately . In fact , for many daters a large chunk of their romantic world lives in their phone world . A quick note : The numbers show that men are still overwhelmingly the ones expected to initiate the first ask . In 2012 only 12 percent of American women had asked anyone out in the previous year . So when discussing this , I use the situation of a guy asking a girl out . The issues discussed generally translate both ways ( minus the issue of girls hating dudes initiating with penis photos ) . Two things to note here . First , the drop in phone calls as a preferred method when you change age groups ( 52 percent to 23 percent ) is stark . Among teenagers the percentage who use text messaging is even higher . In a 2012 textPlus survey , 58 percent of Americans between ages thirteen and seventeen said they 'd ask someone out with a text message . 1 It 's clear that younger people , who are growing up in a more text - heavy culture , are much more comfortable living their romantic lives via text . It 's worth pausing here to note that this is an insanely fast transformation in how we communicate . For many generations young people used telephone calls to reach out to possible romantic partners . It was a harrowing experience that we all could relate to . Before the initial ask , you would hear terrifying rings and then an answer . It could be the object of your desire or a roommate or even a parent . At that point you would ask to speak with the person you wanted to ask out . There were a few aimless minutes between the parade and the announcement , so friends and family gathered round the girls to offer congratulations and crossed fingers . The little groups that formed reminded Barbara of liquorice Catherine wheels : a girl in a sugary bright pink or blue bathing suit at the centre , a swirl of dark brown or black raincoats around the outside . It was a cold , wet July day at the South Shore Baths , and the contestants had mottled , bumpy arms and legs . They looked like turkeys hanging in a butcher 's window . Only in Blackpool , Barbara thought , could you win a beauty competition looking like this . Barbara hadn 't invited any friends , and her father was refusing to come over and join her , so she was stuck on her own . He was just sat there in a deckchair , pretending to read the Daily Express . The two of them would have made a tatty , half - eaten Catherine wheel , but even so , she would have appreciated the company . In the end , she went over to him . Leaving the rest of the girls behind made her feel half - naked and awkward , rather than glamorous and poised , and she had to walk past a lot of wolf - whistling spectators . When she reached her father 's spot at the shallow end , she was probably fiercer than she wanted to be . The people sitting near him , bored , mostly elderly holidaymakers , suddenly went rigid with excitement . One of the girls ! Right in front of them ! Telling her father off ! She tried not to blush , and failed . The holidaymakers within earshot had given up all pretence of knitting and reading the papers now . They were just gawping at her . For some reason , and even though this was a beauty contest , her superior beauty seemed to irritate him . He never liked her showing off , even when she was making her friends and family laugh with some kind of routine in which she portrayed herself as dim or dizzy or clumsy . It was still showing off . Today , though , when showing off was everything , the whole point , she 'd have thought he might forgive her , but no such luck . If you had to go and enter a beauty pageant , he seemed to be saying , you might at least have the good manners to look uglier than everyone else . It wasn 't the best line , but she 'd delivered it with a completely straight face , and she got a bigger laugh than she deserved . Sometimes surprise worked and sometimes people laughed because they were expecting to . She understood both kinds , she thought , but it was probably confusing to people who didn 't take laughter seriously . It was Auntie Marie , her father 's sister , who suggested that she should go in for Miss Blackpool . Marie came round for tea one Saturday afternoon , because she happened to be passing , and casually dropped the competition into the conversation , and - a sudden thought - asked her why she 'd never had a go , while her dad sat there nodding his head and pretending to be thunderstruck by the brilliance of the idea . Barbara was puzzled for the first minute or two , before she realized that the two of them had cooked up a plan . The plan , as far as she could work out , was this : Barbara entered the pageant , won it and then forgot all about moving to London , because there 'd be no need . She 'd be famous in her own hometown , and who could want for more ? And then she could have a go at Miss UK , and if that didn 't work out she could just think about getting married , when there would be another coronation , of sorts . ( And that was a part of the beauty pageant plan too , Barbara was sure . Marie was quite sniffy about Aidan , thought she could do much better , or much richer , anyway , and beauty queens could take their pick . Dotty Harrison had married a man who owned seven carpet shops , and she 'd only come third . ) Barbara knew she didn 't want to be queen for a day , or even for a year . She didn 't want to be a queen at all . She just wanted to go on television and make people laugh . Queens were never funny , not the ones in Blackpool anyway , or the ones in Buckingham Palace either . She 'd gone along with Auntie Marie 's scheme , though , because Dorothy Lamour had been Miss New Orleans and Sophia Loren had been a Miss Italy runner - up . ( Barbara had always wanted to see a photograph of the girl who had beaten Sophia Loren . ) And she 'd gone along with it because she was bursting to get on with her life , and she needed something , anything , to happen . She knew she was going to break her father 's heart , but first she wanted to show him that she 'd at least tried to be happy in the place she 'd lived all her life . She 'd done what she could . She 'd auditioned for school plays , and had been given tiny parts , and watched from the wings while the talentless girls that the teachers loved forgot their lines and turned the ones they remembered into nonsense . She 'd been in the chorus line at the Winter Gardens , and she 'd gone to talk to a man at the local amateur dramatic society who 'd told her that their next production was THE CHERRY ORCHARD , which ' probably wouldn 't be her cup of tea ' . He asked whether she 'd like to start off selling tickets and making posters . None of it was what she wanted . She wanted to be given a funny script so that she could make it funnier . She wished that she could be happy , of course she did ; she wished she wasn 't different . Her school friends and her colleagues in the cosmetics department at R . H . O . Hills didn 't seem to want to claw , dig , wriggle and kick their way out of the town like she did , and sometimes she ached to be the same as them . And wasn 't there something a bit childish about wanting to go on television ? Wasn 't she just shouting , ' Look at me ! Look at me ! ' like a two - year - old ? All right , yes , some people , men of all ages , did look at her , but not in the way that she wanted them to look . They looked at her blonde hair and her bust and her legs , but they never saw anything else . So she 'd enter the competition , and she 'd win it , and she was dreading the look in her father 's eyes when he saw that it wasn 't going to make any difference to anything . The mayor didn 't get around to it straight away , because he wasn 't that sort of man . He thanked everyone for coming , and he made a pointless joke about Preston losing the Cup Final , and a cruel joke about his wife not entering this year because of her bunions . He said that the bevy of beauties in front of him - and he was just the sort of man who 'd use the expression ' bevy of beauties ' - made him even prouder of the town than he already was . Everyone knew that most of the girls were holidaymakers from Leeds and Manchester and Oldham , but he got an enthusiastic round of applause at that point anyway . He went on for so long that she began to try and estimate the size of the crowd by counting the heads in one row of deckchairs and then multiplying by the number of rows , but she never finished because she got lost in the face of an old woman with a rain hat and no teeth , grinding a piece of sandwich over and over again . That was another ambition Barbara wanted to add to the already teetering heap : she wanted to keep her teeth , unlike just about every one of her relatives over the age of fifty . She woke up just in time to hear her name , and to see the other girls pretending to smile at her . She didn 't feel anything . Or rather , she noted her absence of feeling and then felt a little sick . It would have been nice to think that she 'd been wrong , that she didn 't need to leave her father and her town , that this was a dream come true and she could live inside it for the rest of her life . She didn 't dare dwell on her numbness in case she came to the conclusion that she was a hard and hateful bitch . She beamed when the mayor 's wife came over to put the sash on her , and she even managed a smile when the mayor kissed her on the lips , but when her father came over and hugged her she burst into tears , which was her way of telling him that she was as good as gone , that winning Miss Blackpool didn 't even come close to scratching the itch that plagued her like chickenpox . She 'd never cried in a bathing suit before , not as a grown woman anyway . Bathing suits weren 't for crying in , what with the sun and the sand and the shrieking and the boys with their eyes out on stalks . The feeling of wind - chilled tears running down her neck and into her cleavage was peculiar . The mayor 's wife put her arms around her . ' Believe it or believe it not , I know how you 're feeling , ' said the mayor 's wife . ' This is how we met . Before the war . He were only a councillor then . ' She tried to say it in a way that didn 't suggest amazement , but she wasn 't sure she 'd managed . The mayor and his wife were both large , but his size seemed intentional somehow , an indication of his importance , whereas hers seemed like a terrible mistake . Perhaps it was just that he didn 't care and she did . The two women looked at each other . These things happened . There was no need to say anything else , but then the mayor came over to them and said something else anyway . ' I 've already said " believe it or believe it not " twice . I 've already admitted that I 'm no Miss Blackpool any more . But you have to come clomping in anyway . ' ' Whereas that was the whole point of you , ' said the mayor . ' You were an oil painting . Anyways , ' he said to Barbara . ' You know this is the biggest open - air baths in the world , don 't you ? And this is one of the biggest days here , so you 've every right to feel overcome . ' Barbara had loved Lucille Ball ever since she saw I LOVE LUCY for the first time : everything she felt or did came from that . The world seemed to stand still for half an hour every Sunday , and her father knew better than to try and talk to her or even to rustle the paper while the programme was on , in case she missed something . There were lots of other funny people she loved : Tony Hancock , Sergeant Bilko , Morecambe and Wise . But she couldn 't be them even if she 'd wanted to . They were all men . Tony , Ernie , Eric , Ernie . . . There was nobody called Lucy or Barbara in that lot . There were no funny girls . ' It 's just a programme , ' her father would say , before or after but never during . ' An American programme . It 's not what I call British humour . ' It was true that she didn 't laugh , but that was because she 'd usually seen the shows before . Now she was too busy trying to slow it all down so she could remember it . If there was a way of watching Lucy every single day of the week , then she would , but there wasn 't , so she just had to concentrate harder than she 'd ever concentrated on anything , and hope that some of it sank in . What she couldn 't explain without sounding batty was that I LOVE LUCY was exactly the same as the pools . One day , one of Lucy 's expressions or lines was going to change her life , and maybe even his too . Lucy had already changed her life , although not in a good way : the show had separated her from everyone else - friends , family , the other girls at work . It was , she sometimes felt , a bit like being religious . She was so serious about watching comedy on the television that people thought she was a bit odd , so she 'd stopped talking about it . He recognized Len Phillips 's name from the paper , so he was star - struck . Dear God , Barbara thought . And he wonders why I want to get out of here . ' It 's just me , and a lad sometimes , ' said Len . ' And today 's a big day for Blackpool . I 'd be daft to let the lad do it . ' ' He couldn 't get the day off , Len , ' George said . He paused for a moment , clearly wondering whether he 'd got too familiar , too soon . ' They 're short - staffed , apparently , because of the holidays . Her Auntie Marie couldn 't come either , because she 's gone to the Isle of Man for a fortnight . Her first holiday for seven years . Only a caravan , but , you know . A change is as good as a rest . ' ' You should be writing all this down , Len , ' said Barbara . ' Caravan . Isle of Man . A change is as good as a rest . Is it just her and Uncle Jack , Dad ? Or have the boys gone too ? ' ' She 's in the cosmetics department at R . H . O . Hills , ' her father said . ' And Aidan 's in Menswear . That 's how they met . ' ' I 'm always taking photographs of Miss Blackpool . Hospitals , shows , charity galas . . . She 's got a lot of responsibilities . It 'll be a busy year . We 'll be seeing each other a lot , Barbara , so you 'll have to get used to my ugly mug . ' ' Oh , Lord , ' said her father . ' Did you hear that , Barbara ? ' Hospitals ? Charity galas ? An entire year ? What had she been thinking ? Auntie Marie had told her about the shop openings and the Christmas lights , but she hadn 't thought about how she 'd be letting people down if she just disappeared , and she hadn 't thought about how she 'd still be Miss Blackpool in three hundred and sixty four days ' time . She knew then that she didn 't want to be Miss Blackpool in an hour 's time . ' You know there was an old woman mugged around here ? ' Carla says , letting her long black ponytail snake over one shoulder . ' Well , actually , it was Weymouth , but it could have been here . So you see , you can 't be too careful . They found her with half her face smashed in . ' This last bit is said in a hushed voice , but hearing isn 't one of my problems . I wish Carla wouldn 't tell me these things ; they leave me with an uneasy feeling long after I 've forgotten the stories themselves . I shudder and look out of the window . I can 't think which direction Weymouth is in . A bird flies by . She picks up the carers ' folder , nodding at me , keeping eye contact until I nod back . I feel like I 'm at school . There was something in my head a moment ago , a story , but I 've lost the thread of it now . Once upon a time , is that how it started ? Once upon a time in a deep , dark forest , there lived an old , old woman named Maud . I can 't think what the next bit should be . Something about waiting for her daughter to come and visit , perhaps . It 's a shame I don 't live in a nice little cottage in a dark forest , I could just fancy that . And my granddaughter might bring me food in a basket . A bang , somewhere in the house , makes my eyes skitter across the sitting room , there 's an animal , an animal for wearing out side , lying over the arm of the settee . It 's Carla 's . She never hangs it up , worried she 'll forget it , I expect . I can 't help staring at it , sure it will move , scurry away to a corner , or eat me up and take my place . And Katy will have to remark on its big eyes , its big teeth . ' All these tins of peaches ! ' Carla shouts from the kitchen . Carla the carer . ' Carers ' is what they call them . ' You must stop buying food , ' she calls again . I can hear the scrape of tins against my Formica worktop . ' You have enough for an army . ' Enough food . You can never have enough . Most of it seems to go missing anyway , and can 't be found even after I 've bought it . I don 't know who 's eating it all . My daughter 's the same . ' No more cans , Mum , ' she says , going through my cupboards at every opportunity . I think she must be feeding someone . Half the stuff disappears home with her , and then she wonders why I need to go shopping again . Anyway , it 's not like I have many treats left in life . ' It 's not like I have many treats left , ' I say , pushing myself higher in my seat to make my voice carry to the kitchen . Twists of shiny chocolate wrappers are wedged down the sides of the chair ; they squirm against the cushions and I flick them away . My husband , Patrick , used to tell me off for eating sweets . I ate them a lot at home . It was nice to be able to have a sherbet lemon or a caramel cup when I wanted , as we weren 't allowed them at the exchange - no one wants to speak to a telephonist who 's got her mouth full . But he said they 'd ruin my teeth . I always suspected he was more worried about my figure . Polo mints were our com promise , and I still like them , but now there 's no one to stop me eating a whole box of toffees if I want them . I can even start first thing in the morning . It 's morning now . I know because the sun is on the bird table . It shines on the bird table in the morning and the pine tree in the evening . I have a whole day to get through before the light hits that tree . ' I 've done your lunch . ' She snaps off plastic gloves . ' It 's in the fridge , and I 've put a note on it . It 's nine forty now , try not to eat it till twelve , right ? ' ' Plenty , ' Carla says , dropping the carers ' folder on to the table . ' I 'm going now . Helen 'll be here later , all right ? Bye . ' The front door clicks shut and I hear Carla locking it after her . Locking me in . I watch her through the window as she crunches across my path . She wears a coat with a fur - edged hood over her uniform . A carer in wolf 's clothing . When I was a girl I 'd have been glad to have the house to myself , to eat things out of the larder and wear my best clothes , to play the gramophone and lie on the floor . Now I 'd rather have the company . The light 's been left on and the kitchen seems like an empty stage set when I go in to rearrange my cupboards and check what Carla has left me for lunch . I half expect someone to come in , my mother with her shopping or Dad with arms full of fish and chips , and say something dramatic , like in one of those plays at the Pier Theatre . Dad would say : ' Your sister is gone , ' and there 'd be a drum or a trumpet or something , and Ma would say : ' Never to return , ' and we 'd all stare at each other for the benefit of the audience . I pull a plate from the fridge , wondering what my line would be . The plate has a note attached : Lunch for Maud to eat after 12 p . m . I take the cling film off . It 's a cheese and tomato sandwich . When I 've finished eating I wander back to the sitting room . It 's so quiet in here ; even my clock doesn 't tick out loud . It shows the time , though , and I watch the hands slowly moving round on top of the gas fire . I have hours of the day to fill and at some point I have to switch on the TV . There 's one of those sofa programmes on . Two people on one sofa lean towards another person on the opposite sofa . They smile and shake their heads and , eventually , the one on her own starts to cry . I can 't work out what it 's all about . Afterwards there 's a programme where people run through various houses looking for things to sell . The sort of ugly things that are surprisingly valuable . A few years ago I would have been appalled at myself - watch ing TV in the day ! But what else is there to do ? I occasionally read , but the plots of novels don 't make sense any more and I can never remember where I 've left off . So I can boil an egg . I can eat an egg . And I can watch TV . After that , I 'm just waiting : for Carla , for Helen , for Elizabeth . Elizabeth is the only friend I have left ; the others are in homes or graves . She 's a fan of these running - about - selling - things pro grammes , and has a hope of one day finding a disregarded treasure . She buys all sorts of hideous plates and vases from char ity shops , her fingers crossed for a fortune . Sometimes I buy her things too , bits of garish china mostly , it 's a sort of game - who can find the ugliest piece of pottery at Oxfam . Rather childish , but I 've begun to find that being with Elizabeth , laughing with her , is the only time I feel like myself . I have an idea there was something I had to remember about Elizabeth . Perhaps she wanted me to get her something . A boiled egg , or some chocolate . That son of hers keeps her on starvation rations . He won 't even spend money on new razors for himself . Elizabeth says his skin is raw from shaving and she 's worried he 'll cut his own throat . Sometimes I wish he would . The miser . If I didn 't pop round with the odd extra , she 'd waste away . I 've got a note here telling me not to go out , but I don 't see why . It can 't hurt to nip down to the shop . I write a list before I put on my coat , find my hat and keys , check I have the keys in the right pocket and then check again at the front door . There are white stains along the pavement where snails have been flattened in the night . This street always collects hundreds of casualties after a rainy evening . But what makes those marks , I wonder , what part of the snail makes the stain turn white like that ? ' Turn not pale , beloved snail , ' I say , bending over as far as I dare to get a better look . I can 't think where the phrase is from , but it 's possible it is about this very thing . I must try and remember to look it up when I get home . The shop isn 't far , but I 'm tired by the time I get there , and for some reason I keep taking the wrong turning , which means I 've got to walk back around the block again . I feel like I did at the end of the war . I often got lost on my way into town , what with houses bombed to rubble , and sudden open spaces , and roads blocked by bricks and masonry and broken furniture . It 's a small place , Carrow 's , crammed with things I don 't want . I wish they 'd move the rows and rows of beer cans to make space for something useful . It 's always been here , though , ever since I was a child . They only changed the sign a few years ago . It 's got Coca - Cola written on it now and Carrow 's is squashed in under neath like an afterthought . I read it out to myself as I go in and then I read my shopping list aloud , standing by a shelf of boxes . Ricicles and Shreddies , whatever they are . ' Eggs . Milk - question mark - Chocolate . ' I turn my bit of paper about to catch the light . There 's a cosy cardboardy smell in the shop and it 's like being in the larder at home . ' Eggs , milk , chocolate . Eggs , milk , chocolate . ' I say the words , but I can 't quite think what the things look like . Could they be in any of the boxes in front of me ? I carry on muttering the list under my breath as I shuffle about the shop , but the words begin to lose meaning and are like a chant . I 've got ' marrows ' written down here too , but I don 't think they sell them here . Reg leans over the counter , and his grey cardigan bags out , sweeping across the penny sweets in their plastic tub and leaving bits of fluff on them . He watches me walk round . Nosy beggar . I don 't know what he 's guarding . So I walked out with some thing once . So what ? It was only a bag of soft lettuce . Or was it a jar of raspberry jam ? I forget . Anyway , he got it back , didn 't he ? Helen took it back , and that was that . And it 's not as if he doesn 't make mistakes - I 've often been short on change over the years . He 's been running this shop for decades , and it 's time he retired . But his mother didn 't give up working here till she was ninety , so he 'll probably hang on a bit longer . I was glad when the old woman finally gave up . She used to tease me whenever I came in because I 'd asked her to receive a letter for me when I was a girl . I 'd written to a murderer and I hadn 't wanted the reply to go to my house , and I 'd used a film star 's name instead of my own . The reply never arrived , but Reg 's mother thought I 'd been wait ing for a love letter and used to laugh about it long after I was married . What was it I came for ? The loaded shelves frown down at me as I circle them , and the blue and white linoleum stares up , dirty and cracked . My basket is empty , but I think I 've been here for a while ; Reg is watching me . I reach for something : it 's heavier than I was expecting and my arm is pulled down suddenly with the weight . It 's a tin of peach slices . That 'll do . I put a few more tins in my basket , tucking its handles into the crook of my arm . The thin metal bars grind against my hip on the way to the counter . I look down into the basket . Is that true ? Did I really buy the same things yesterday ? He coughs and I see a glint of amusement in his eyes . He raises his eyebrows and begins typing prices into his till . I keep my head high , watching the cans being put into the plastic carrying thing , for carrying , but my cheeks are hot . What was it I came for ? I feel in my pocket and find a piece of blue paper with my writing on it : Eggs . Milk ? Chocolate . I pick up a bar of Dairy Milk and slip it into the basket , so at least I will have something from the list . But I can 't put the peaches back now , Reg would laugh at me . I pay for my bag of cans and clank back down the road with them . It 's slow going , because the bag is heavy , and my shoulder and the back of my knee are hurting . I remember when the houses used to whiz by as I walked - nearly running - to and from home . Ma would ask me afterwards about what I 'd seen , whether certain neighbours were out , what I thought about someone 's new garden wall . I 'd never noticed ; it had all gone past in a flash . Now I have plenty of time to look at everything and no one to tell what I 've seen . Sometimes , when I 'm having a sort - through or a clear - out , I find photos from my youth , and it 's a shock to see everything in black and white . I think my granddaughter believes we were actually grey - skinned , with dull hair , always posing in a shad owed landscape . But I remember the town as being almost too bright to look at when I was a girl . I remember the deep blue of the sky and the dark green of the pines cutting through it , the bright red of the local brick houses and the orange carpet of pine needles under our feet . Nowadays - though I 'm sure the sky is still occasionally blue and most of the houses are still there , and the trees still drop their needles - nowadays , the colours seem faded , as if I live in an old photograph . When I get home there 's an alarm clock ringing . I set it some times to remind myself of appointments . I drop my bag inside the front door and turn off the alarm . I can 't think what it 's for this time ; I can 't see anything to tell me . Perhaps someone is coming . There is nothing very appealing about showbusiness memoirs . A linear chronology of successes , failures and blind ventures into new fields is dull enough . And then there is the problem of how to approach descriptions of collaborators and contemporaries : Is it right of me to be searingly , bruisingly honest about the lives of others ? I am quite prepared to be searingly , bruisingly honest about my own , but I just don 't have it in me to reveal to the world that , for example , producer Ariadne Bristowe is an aggressively vile , treacherous bitch who regularly fires innocent assistants just for looking at her the wrong way ; or that Mike G . Wilbraham has to give a blow job to the boom operator while finger - banging the assistant cameraman before he is prepared so much as to think about preparing for a scene . All these things are true , of course , but fortunately Ariadne Bristowe doesn 't exist and neither does Mike G . Wilbraham . OR DO THEY ? The actor Rupert Everett in his autobiographical writings manages to be caustic in what you might call a Two Species manner : bitchy and catty . The results are hilarious , but I am far too afraid of how people view me to be able to write like that . Very happy to recommend both his volumes of autobiography / memoir to you , however : RED CARPETS AND OTHER BANANA SKINS and THE VANISHED YEARS . Ideal holiday or Christmas reading . So I now must consider how to present to you this third edition of my life . It must be confessed that this book is an act as vain and narcissistic as can be imagined : the third volume of my life story ? There are plenty of wholly serviceable single - volume lives of Napoleon , Socrates , Jesus Christ , Churchill and even Katie Price . So by what panty - dribbling right do I present a weary public with yet another stream of anecdote , autobiography and confessional ? The first I wrote was a memoir of childhood , the second a chronicle of university and the lucky concatenation of circumstances that led to my being able to pursue a career in performing , writing and broadcasting . Between the end of that second book and this very minute , the minute now that I am using to type this sentence , lies over a quarter of a century of my milling about on television , in films , on radio , writing here and there , getting myself into trouble one way or another , becoming a representative of madness , Twitter , homosexuality , atheism , annoying ubiquity and whatever other kinds of activity you might choose to associate with me . I am making the assumption that in picking up this book you know more or less who I am . I am keenly aware - how could I not be ? - that if one is in the public eye then people will have some sort of view . There are those who thoroughly loathe me . Even though I don 't read newspapers or receive violent abuse in the street , I know well enough that there are many members of the British public , and I daresay the publics of other countries , who think me smug , attention - seeking , false , complacent , self - regarding , pseudo - intellectual and unbearably irritating : diabolical . I can quite see why they would . There are others who embarrass me charmingly by their wild enthusiasm ; they shower me with praise and attribute qualities to me that seem almost to verge on the divine . I don 't want this book to be riddled with too much self - consciousness . There is a lot to say about the end of the 1980s and early 1990s , and you may find the way I go about it to be meandering . I hope a chronology of sorts will emerge as I bounce from theme to theme . There will inevitably be anecdotes of one kind or another , but it is not my business to tell you about the private lives of others , only of my own . I consider myself incompetent when it comes to the business of living life . Maybe that is why I am committing the inexcusable hubris of offering the world a third written autobiography . Maybe here is where I will find my life , in this thicket of words , in a way that I never seem to be able to do outside the bubble I am in now as I write . Me , a keyboard , a mouse , a screen and nothing else . Just loo breaks , black coffees and an occasional glance at my Twitter and email accounts . I can do this for hours all on my own . So on my own that if I have to use the phone my voice is often hoarse and croaky because days will have passed without me speaking to a single soul . I buzz them in . A series of charges that I cannot quite make out are chanted at me like psalms . I am arrested and cuffed . It is all very hurried and sudden but entirely good - natured . One of the policemen asks for a photograph with me . We cut , as dreams so cinematically do , to a courtroom , where a much less sympathetic judge sentences me to six months ' imprisonment with hard labour . He is disgusted that someone who should know so much better could have committed so foolish a crime and present so ignoble an example to the young , impressionable people who might errantly look up to him . The judge wishes the sentence could be longer but he must abide by the guidelines laid down by statute . A vast dining hall . I sit to eat in a huge wide shot like Cody Jarrett as played by James Cagney in WHITE HEAT . And then we see me in mid shot , as cool and unruffled as Tim Robbins 's ageless Andy Dufresne , taking my tray to the table . Friends visit me . Always staying the other side of the bars . Hugh and Jo Laurie . Kim Harris , my first lover . My literary agent Anthony and my theatrical agent Christian . My sister and PA Jo . There is something they are not telling me , but I am comfortable in prison and feel sorry for them , having to leave and return to the world of bustle and business . I am in the corridor cleaning the floor with an electric polisher . It has two rotating discs with gently abrasive pads press - studded to the base , and I enjoy holding it like a pneumatic drill , feeling its power under me , how I have to keep it from flying free of my grip as it pulls like an eager dog at the leash . The floor comes up in a glossy shine . This is the life . An old lag walks up to me , coughing on his tightly rolled - up cigarette , which wags up and down as he speaks . He has seen a letter in the governor 's office , which he Pledges and tidies daily . My sentence is to be extended . I will never leave . It is easy to attempt a little oneiromancy here . My real life is a prison , so a real prison would be an escape . That would be the one - line pitch , as they say in Hollywood . I am one who , like so many Britons of a certain class and era , was born to institutions . School houses merge into Oxbridge colleges which merge into Inns of Court or the BBC as it was or into regiments or ships of the line or into one of the two Houses of Parliament or into the Royal Palaces or into Albany or the clubs of Pall Mall and St James 's . All very male , all very Anglo - Saxon ( a few Jews allowed from time to time - it is vulgar to be racially obsessed ) , all very cosy , absurd and out of date . If you really want to have a look at this world in its last hurrah just before I was born then you should read the first eight or nine chapters of Moonraker , a Bond novel , but with an opening that is simultaneously hilarious , fantastically observed , drool worthily aspirational and skin - pricklingly suspenseful . I observed of myself in my second book of memoirs , THE FRY CHRONICLES , and earlier in my first , MOAB IS MY WASHPOT , that I seem always to be obsessed with belonging . Half of me , I wrote in Moab , yearns to be part of the tribe ; the other half yearns to be apart from the tribe . All the clubs I belong to - six so - called gentleman 's clubs and goodness knows how many more Soho - style media watering - holes - are vivid testament to a soul searching for his place in British society . Maybe prison is the ultimate club for people like me . I am wary of interpretations . I refuse to interpret my life and its motives because I am not qualified . You may choose to do so . You may find me and my history repugnant , fascinating , indicative of an age now long gone , typical of a breed whose time is up . There are all kinds of ways of looking at me and my story . If you want to bore someone , tell them your dreams . I seem to have got off on the wrong foot . I plead forgiveness for , while I would not claim that there is anything experimental about this memoir , I would ask you to be ready for a flitting backwards and forwards in time . The experience of writing about this period in my life has had some of the qualities of a dream : unexpected , freakish , disgusting , frightening , incredible and at one and the same time crystal clear and maddeningly occluded . It is my job , I suppose in this far from divine comedy , to be Virgil to your Dante , guiding you as straightforwardly and tenderly as I can through the circles of my particular hell , purgatory and heaven . In the following pages I will try to be as truthful as I can ; I will leave interpretation and , generally speaking , motivation , to you . Penguin books was an idea first conceived by founder Allen Lane whilst he waited on a train platform with nothing to read - sound familiar ? With the first Penguin paperbacks arriving in the summer of 1935 and costing no more than sixpence , the way that the public thought about books changed forever . The Penguin revolution had begun . Simply connect to the Virgin Media WiFi service when you 're on the Tube . Like to know more ? Visit the TfL website : tfl . gov . uk / station - wifi for more information and help to get started . |
I 'm off on vacation tomorrow morning . I 'll be gone until July 8 so no more posts until then . Unfortunately I will have no internet access while I 'm gone . I 'm not sure what I 'm going to do without it . I 'm addicted ya know . LOLI hope everyone has a wonderful 2 weeks and don 't get into too much trouble while I 'm gone . I 'll post pics and give you all the relaxing beachy details when I return . ; - ) Well Dawg fans , we will be getting one more year of the great Larry Munson . The AJC ( that 's the Atlanta Journal Constitution for those who don 't know ) is reporting that Munson will call home games only this season . I 'm afraid that this indicates he will be retiring at the end of the season though . Only those of you who have been listening to him for years can understand the sadness this causes . I am , however , thankful that he will at least give us home games this year . We need to make it a fantastic year for his send off ! I hope my boys understand that ! ; - ) Is your child struggling in school ? Many children struggle . What some parents don 't know is that there is help out there . Sometimes teachers and parents can 't do it alone . Some children need the one on one attention that they may not be able to get at school . Don 't be afraid or embarrassed to get your child the help he or she needs . Check out the tutors at Innovative Tutor to see what they offer struggling students . It could just be the push that opens up a whole new world of learning for your child . Well , according to ESPN , Pacman faces felony charges in the Las Vegas incident . Kinda figured this was going to happen . So now what ? Do you think the NFL will kick him out ? Will the Titans cut him ? I guess only time will tell . Not in my house . I swear Joshua does not know the meaning of the word " quiet . " He no longer takes a nap ( most days ) , but he has a quiet time movie in his room while Ari takes her nap . Today he can 't seem to remember that he is supposed to be quiet . He is yelling for me , yelling his answers to Dora when she asks questions on the video , playing with his Weeble Wobble Castle which is incredibly loud ! I 'm about ready to turn off his tv and make him take a nap too . If he wakes his sister from her nap before she is ready it is going to be ugly around here until bedtime . UGH ! ! ! ! ! Being a mom of two very young kids , a wife , and a teacher there are times when all I can think about is getting away . Sometimes I don 't have a destination in mind . I just want to get away from my responsibilities for a couple of days . I have learned that it is important to take time out for myself to re - energize in order to be a better mom , wife , and teacher . As important as it is for me to get that " me " time it is equally important that I get some quality time with my husband . When we want a nice relaxing weekend we like to go to a nice bed and breakfast in the mountains . A place were we can relax , go hiking or horseback riding , and if we are lucky get in some fishing ( okay , the fishing is just for me . LOL ) . How do I find my oasis of peace ? I look online at Cheap Hotels . If I don 't have a particular destination in mind already I can go on this site and search for cities by drive time . You can book an entire vacation package on one site . You can book a cruise , flights and rental cars too . When you click on a particular city / cruise the available packages and their prices come up on the first page . You can compare prices without clicking on each individual one . It 's great ! You can make your reservations online or by calling an agent , whichever you are most comfortable doing . You can save up to 70 % on your get away . They even offer incentives ! ! They offer up to a $ 100 rebate for a 12 night vacation and you can get a gas rebate of $ 30 . Can 't beat that with gas prices what they are these days . So , if you are ready for a vacation just click and start relaxing . I hate waiting on anything . Whether it 's waiting on something I ordered to come in or waiting on approval for something . Even waiting on my kids to get dressed by themselves ( I know I could get it done faster . LOL ) and my classroom kids to finish their work so we can move on . I 'm trying to work on it . It 's hard to change that though . Anyone have any tips on gaining more patience ? Larry Munson ( you know , the guy who calls the UGA games ) is 50 - 50 on whether he is coming back this season ! ! I can 't even begin to imagine listening to a game without him ! He brings the games to life for me . When my mom wouldn 't let me watch UGA games on tv I turned to radio and that is where I first heard Munson call a game . I was enthralled . After that I would watch on tv and listen to him whenever possible . I 've missed listening to him since I moved to TN . Kinda ticks me off that I can 't listen to him up here . I can listen in Jacksonville . Last year I got to listen to him call the game against Tech . Christian was with me and got to hear him for the first time . He really enjoyed it . He was amazed at how well Munson pulls the emotion out of the fans . You are listening , but it 's almost like you are there . I think that is because Munson loves the Dawgs as much as we do and he feels what we are feeling at any given moment . It will be a sad day for the Dawgs and the Dawg Nation when Larry Munson steps down . He is the best in the business . Please Larry , don 't retire yet . My kids haven 't had a chance to appreciate what you do yet . Oh yeah , did y ' all know that Larry and I share a birthday ? ; - ) We don 't really hear much about the good things our soldiers are doing in Iraq . I don 't get into the politics of it all because it just isn 't my personality to talk politics . This story wasn 't about the war though . It was about children . Orphaned special needs children being mistreated / neglected by the people who were supposed to be caring for them . A group of soldiers came across the orphanage and at first thought that the small bodes they saw lying around were dead . They soon found out that they were not . Click here to see the rest of the story and what our soldiers did to help these defenseless children . It was incredibly heartbreaking to see this . I don 't understand how anyone could treat children this way . I 'm so glad that these soldiers found them and then did something about it . It 's been a good month for tips so we have a little extra and now that I am " taking control " of the money I feel better . We are still struggling , but now that I feel more in control I feel like we can do this . KWIM ? It really does make you feel better when you know exactly where your money is going . I 'm determined to get us out of this hole and then keep us out ! I 'm sure I 'll have more down days ( like yesterday ) , but it will happen and we will make it . I just have to stick to the budget and keep my eye on the goal . If I 'm writing it all down I can see more clearly how we are crawling out . It 's a slow process , but as long as I can see it happen then I think I 'll be able to keep motivated . I 've done really well with groceries the last 2 weeks . I have been spending $ 130 and sometimes more , but last week I spent $ 46 for the entire week and I think Michael only had to pick up another loaf of bread ( I 'm gonna have to start buying 2 loaves ) . This week I spent $ 76 and I had to buy a few extras that I don 't normally have to buy weekly . I am going to have to sit down and plan out our menus especially when school starts back and I 'm packing lunches for me and the kids . I think I 'm going to cut out the SmartOnes meals and such and just go with sandwiches or left overs . It will be cheaper . No eating in the school cafeteria either . Our power bill was a lot less this month too . Not sure how that happened though . Usually it runs around $ 130 ( I have a problem with this since our house in Murfreesboro didn 't go that high except in the coldest and hottest months . . . . . . . . . we are in an apartment now and it is consistently that high . ) . This month it was only $ 95 . So that was more money that I was able to put towards a different bill . I like it when that happens . : - ) Looks like Pacman is in trouble ( possibly ) again . This time in Atlanta . Apparently he was at another strip club and there was another shooting . Right now it is just a possibility , but just the fact that he was there disappoints me . This shows that he isn 't even trying to change his image . If he were trying he wouldn 't be in these situations . That and I think the guy needs to find a new set of friends . The ones he has , well . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I know a lot of people wanted him gone . I was one who rode the fence . He is such a talent that I hated to see him go , but then he was trouble with a capital T on and off the field . I 've fallen off the fence now to the side that wants to see him go . If he can 't straighten his act up and get with the program ( so to speak ) then he needs to go . The Titans don 't need these kinds of distractions . They have a Super Bowl to win ! ; - ) UPDATE : Now they are saying that he wasn 't involved with the shooting and wasn 't around when it happened , but he " may " know some of his entourage who where involved . Whatever . He still shouldn 't have been in that damn strip club . He is supposed to be cleaning up his act . He needs to start visiting different establishments considering that he tends to get into trouble at strip clubs . ( I really need a rolly eyed emoticon on this blog . ) Tonight my favorite Titan , Frank Wycheck , became a professional wrestler . Now I 'm just hoping that it was a one time thing . I just can 't see him doing this . It 's gross ! Even just seeing him in the ring on a sports highlight was enough to turn my stomach . I 'm going to be incredibly disappointed if he continues this . * sigh * I hate everything and my house is a mess . I just want to go lie in my bed forever . I 'm even listening to the new Bon Jovi CD and it isn 't helping . * sigh * I should be feeling good . I spent less than my goal amount at the grocery store and I even had to buy a couple extra things that I don 't buy on a weekly basis . This is 2 weeks in row that I 've spent less than I planned on . I guess that 's good for the new budget I 'm trying to implement , right ? I won 't have to go next week because we leave for FL on Friday . Granted I will be spending more than grocery money , but that is budgeted too . I 'm even packing our lunch and drinks for the trip . No stopping at fast food places this time . I 'm excited about that . LOL It 's the little things , huh ? Today is just one of those days I guess . Not real sure why I 'm feeling this way . Just have to find a way to get through the day . He 's finally home ! ! Ari and I went to get Joshua today . He doesn 't look much different , just a few more scrapes and bruises . LOL He didn 't get excited when we got there or anything . I had to go give him a hug , but he did go give Ari one all on his own . You see how high I rate on his list . He had a great time and he even rode the 4 - wheeler with my dad . Up until this trip he has always been afraid to get on it . He LOVED it , of course . LOL My dad threw him in the pool ( with is wings on ) and he went under . He came up screaming and crying . He was so mad at my dad and wouldn 't even walk anywhere close to him . Swimming lessons should be fun . . . . . . . . . . NOT ! ! He hates to get his face wet . Anyway , I 'm glad he 's home . We leave on Friday going to FL . He is already saying he wants to go see his cousins and uncle and Namma in FL . Heck , I just got him home and he 's ready to go again . LOL I 'm so sick of being broke . I 'm tired of trying to stretch money that isn 't there to cover everything that needs to be covered . I 'm tired of my husband feeling responsible when in truth if I managed our money a little better we wouldn 't be in this mess . I feel guilty . He feels guilty . It accomplishes nothing . Now comes the brainstorming on how to make some extra cash . I wish I could have a huge yard sale and sell most of the stuff we have in storage , but living in an apartment makes that impossible . I guess I can list it on eBay and Craigslist . I am rolling all the coins around the house . I 'm taking clothes to consignment ( Lord knows I have enough to spare ) . I 'm even thinking of doing the whole " Pay - per - Post " thing on my blog . I really don 't want to do that , but I have to get some more money coming in here . Anyone have any other ideas ? I guess I could sell my body , but I don 't think my husband would approve . LOL I don 't think I 'd get much anyway . LOL I have a link to the new Bon Jovi album , Lost Highway . It comes out on June 19 , but you can listen to the entire thing here ! It is a great album ! I 've already listened to it twice tonight . I can 't wait to have it in my car too . I really like Make a Memory , We Got it Going On , Any Other Day , and . . . . . . oh heck who am I kidding ? I love them all ! Go check it out ! Okay , I 've never really cared if I had one or not , but the last week or so has found me drooling over one . I just want the Shuffle . Nothing big . I can 't justify the expense for one right now however , so I guess I 'll be drooling over them for awhile longer . * sigh * So , you know that he is at my dad 's house this week . My brother lives right next door with his son ( 6 years old ) . Today my dad took the 2 of them ( the boys ) to pick up some stuff at the store . On the way home they start arguing . Apparently my son can hold his own against his older cousin . My dad says he has a come back for anything Colin says . LOLThe funniest of the conversations . Colin : PaPaw , I wish you didn 't bring him here . I don 't want him to stay all week . Joshua : Ha ! I 'm here and I 'm staying ! I can just see his little face as he said it too . My dad said he lost it . It was too funny . I can imagine . I would have been laughing too . It 's good to know that Joshua will stand up for himself . LOL After 2 days with no naps , 5 nights of going to bed really really late , not sleeping well , and then up at her normal time I just give up . She can have the paci . I 'll try again in a couple months or so to get rid of it . I gave it to her and within minutes she was asleep . When I gave it to her , she went straight to her blanket and burp cloth on the couch to lie down . She is so tired . It 's gone in the car though and she can 't have it unless she is sleeping which was always the case . Someone please tell me how to keep her fingers out of her mouth . Ugh ! ! ! Every time you look at her she has her fingers in her mouth or a toy . How do we stop this one ? Last night she went to sleep sucking her thumb . This is definitely not something we want her to do . * sigh * It seems weird to wake up without having Joshua jumping on our bed . I am sitting in the living room with Ari watching Dora ( no Star Wars this week ) . She hasn 't mentioned Joshua yet . I wonder how long it will take her to ask about him ? It 's very quiet around here without the 3 year old though . One side effect of him being gone is that Ari has stuck really really close . Since he left yesterday she has been sitting right beside me in the recliner if not in my lap . I 'm not sure what that is all about . I do know , however , if she keeps it up I 'm going to go nuts . It 's almost like she doesn 't know how to play by herself or is nervous since he isn 't here to play with ( annoy ) her . I kinda miss the little rascal really . I haven 't called him yet . I 'm sure I will at some point today to see if he is having fun . I 'm sure he is . I bet as soon as he got up this morning he wanted to go outside . LOL My dad is coming to get him and should be here around lunchtime . I 've gone away on my girls ' weekends before , but either he stayed home with Michael or my mom came to our house to keep him . Those were only weekends too . This time he is going away and I am staying home . He is going to be gone for a week . I 'm sure he will have a great time swimming , fishing , and riding the 4 - wheeler , but I am going to miss him terribly . Yes , even though he has been a royal pain in the a $ $ this last week . LOL I bet Ari is going to miss him too . He is so excited right now waiting on PaPaw to get here . He keeps asking me when he is going to come get him . I 'm not sure how I am going to handle him leaving though . He has gone over there without me one other time and Daddy came to get him from school . We had a funeral to go to and so my dad kept him for a couple days . I cried when they left . I probably will today too . * sigh * UPDATE : They got here around 3pm . Joshua was ready to go ! LOL When they left at 3 : 30 Joshua was blowing kisses and grinning hugely . Ari , however , was crying . I 'm not sure if she was crying because they were taking her brother or because they were not taking her too . I didn 't cry . I think the only reason I wasn 't crying is because he wasn 't . He was just too excited . They have called me twice already . I thought I would be the one calling . LOL They just wanted to assure me that he was okay and to check on Ari . The last time they called he was outside playing on the swing set . If they encounter any problems it will be at bedtime , but I think if Daddy goes in with him until he is asleep he will do fine . Heck , he may fall asleep in Daddy 's lap watching Star Wars . LOL Now , what to do tomorrow with only one kid ? It is going to feel very weird having to chase after only one . My children are driving me nuts ! ! Is it just a week into summer ? Geez ! ! ! ! I don 't know if I can make it if they continue to act like this . To make matters worse , neither one of them took a nap today . That and the last 3 nights Ari has not gone to sleep until 11 : 30 or later and she is still getting up at her normal time . She is really starting to show the lack of sleep . Every little thing Joshua does causes major tears from her . Granted some of the things were legitimate today . He bit her finger and he threw a toy and hit her in the head . I think it is a very good thing that my daddy is coming to get Joshua tomorrow and keep him for a week . Edited : Oh , it continues . He has now made " puddles " of chocolate milk on the kitchen floor . He has taken a stool into our room and gotten the lone paci ( you know the ones we are trying to get rid of ) for Ari . He tried to get the scissors to cut the tag out of his underwear . Lord save me . . . . . . . . . or him ! Johnh over at Salem 's Lots has tagged me . I am to write 7 random thoughts and then tag 7 people to do the same . So , here goes . 1 . One in service down . Only 6 more to go . 2 . My house is a wreck . I must clean it before tomorrow when my daddy comes to pick up my 3 year old for the week . 3 . Why is breaking the pacifier habit so hard on ME ? LOL4 . You know you 've watched Pirates of the Caribbean too many time when you dream about them and you are one of the characters . 5 . I wish we would have a good steady rain . The grass and trees are beginning to show their thirst . 6 . I 'm so glad it 's summer . I don 't know if I could have handled much more school drama this year . I hope next year is better . 7 . I need to update my blogroll . I have a few links that have changed . Now , I tag Aisby , Beth , Peachsz , Leesa , Lisa , Gina , and Breazy . Night 1 : At bedtime we have 45 minutes of crying , " I want my paci . " " I want my daddy to give me my paci . " " I don 't want you lie down with me anymore , go to living room by yourself . " I 'd say she was mad at me . LOL I left her room and went to the living room . She comes in and we rock for awhile . She finally went to sleep , but woke up in the transfer . I let her lie on the couch for awhile . At 10 : 30pm we went back to her bed . She stayed awake until about 11 : 30pm , crying most of the time . She woke up again a little later crying . I gave in and gave her the paci because I had to be up early to help at school with registration . Night 2 : I let her stay up a little later thinking she would be so tired she would go right off to sleep . Didn 't happen . We laid in her bed from around 10pm until Michael got home around 11 : 30pm . She was wide awake . No crying this time though . She did ask for it a couple times , but she never cried . We came into the living room and rocked again . Again , she went to sleep this time around midnight and woke up in the transfer . I stayed with her and we both went to sleep . I got up at a little after 1am and went to bed . She woke up around 1 : 45 crying for her paci and me . Michael told her he would get me . As he was leaving her room she rolled over and went back to sleep . She slept the rest of the night . I 'm hoping she goes to bed earlier tonight not only because she needs the sleep , but because I have an in - service in the morning . Really , she is doing better than I thought she would do . I never expected the staying up so late though . I 'm tired . LOLNight 3 : Well , she finally went to sleep at 10 : 50pm . It was a struggle . She didn 't cry the entire time , but off and on . This staying up thing is really going to have to end . We both need our sleep . She is still getting up at her regular time no matter what time she goes to sleep . Maybe I should cut out the naps until she gets back on schedule ? I hate to even think about that . Maybe I 'll just make sure she goes down for a nap earlier than she has been . I 've come to a point where I can 't take the 3 year old behavior anymore . Timeouts don 't seem to be working alone so I 've decided to try positive reinforcement . I 've made a chart with all of our rules we want him to follow . He can earn stickers for following these rules . If he is put into timeout for not following them he gets a sad face . At the end of the week ( I 'm trying to think of a good reward for each day too ) if he has more stickers than sad faces then he gets to go out with mommy or daddy for ice cream . It will be just him and whichever one of us he chooses . ( Umm , Michael doesn 't know the reward yet . ) I just hope this works . I 'm tired of yelling . It makes me feel like a bad mom . Something has to change and soon . Keep your fingers crossed for us ! I 'm a mom of 3 beautiful children , Joshua , Arianna , Samantha and a wonderful adult stepson , Christian . They take up most of my time . I have a wonderful husband who has now gotten me into this blogging thing . I teach 2nd grade and love it ( most days ) . ; - ) I LOVE football , especially UGA football . I tend to get very passionate about it . I 'm not much of a writer so we will see how this blog thing turns out . |
Roleplay Stage This is where the In - Character roleplaying happens . Before you create a thread here , recruit some players in Roleplay Casting . Your very own legend is about to unfold ! A world of dreams and adventures awaits ! Let 's go ! Jack watched anxiously as the Pokemon ball shaked then suddenly it shaked vigorously and it stopped he caught a pokemon . Jack as happy as he has ever been threw the pokeball in the air sending out the mushroom pokemon . " Hey there little guy I like you so well I wanna call you , umm " Jack thought for a moment " Yes ! You are called Shroomie ! " The mushroom pokemon looked up at his trainer and thought for a second " Shroom ! " it said happily . " Now chimchar you must rest from all that battling , here have this blanket to lie down under ! " the Chimp Pokemon grabbed the blanket and walked over to a picnic bench to rest . " Now Shroomie I want to check your moves so stand still . " Jack pulled out his pokedex and checked it 's moves " Poison Heal and Absorb and a Leppa Berry you got there ? , awesome now shall we train ? why don 't we battle that Oddish over there ? " Shroomie peered over at the Oddish and looked at Jack like he wanted to battle " well lets do it ! " The Oddish stood still until it saw Shroomish " Absorb ! " Jack commanded , Shroomie lengthened it 's roots and sapped out energy from the Oddish . The Oddish used Absorb too but much stronger , the Shroomish looked in real pain so Jack looked worried . Meanwhile the Chimchar woke up much better and saw the Shroomish so he used ember on the Oddish hitting it into a big Oddish nest . Jack turned around so did Shroomie they both pulled a happy face until they saw the angry herd of Oddish . Chimchar got up and joined them when they got chased by the massive herd . Sprinting Chimchar accidently at a poisonous berry and looked much paler . Shroomish realised he was poisined watching him fire fireballs at the oddish until he was choking on his own fire . Stopping the Shroomish walked over to Chimchar lengthening his roots and sucking out his poison Jack just stood there dazzled at the quick friendship until he realised that the herd was nearing . They ran on until they were tired then Chimchar used ember trying to hit them all but the Oddish could take it and then just stopped . They all looked at each other nodding then looking back at Jack when they walked off Jack relieved walked over to his Chimchar and went " BlazeBlast ! That 's it Chimchar you are called BlazeBlast ! " Chimchar thought for a while and went " Char ! " also happy from the name and then just lied down with Jack and Shroomie to rest from all that running . " Lets rest for a while it will do us good ! " Jack said relaxed . Quietly , he slipped away from his bed and tucked his pillows under the bed sheet . He retrieved his knapsack , packed and hidden in the closet earlier in the day , took off his nightgown ( because apparently , Prof . Pine is the kind of person who lends nightgowns to guests ) and stuffed it in the knapsack ( because apparently , Tommy will do that ) . Then , he pulled a letter from one of the bag 's pockets , and placed it on the nightstand : Tommy retrieved a Town Map of Rootdry Town scribbled on with red Sharpie . Turning around , he recognized two buildings in the distance , which indicated he had indeed arrived at the correct spot . If he entered Ferrow Forest from behind this specific lamppost , a half hour walk along a small creek would lead him straight to the main road . Resolute to continue on in his quest , Tommy rolled the map and stashed it in his knapsack . Suddenly however , a voice in the distance startled him : " Hey you ! Stop right there ! " " Aww that 's c … not right now . " The stranger seemed confused yet enchanted with this strange wittle Pokémon . You see , when a Pokémon uses the move Covet , it distracts its victim for a split second , before … JUMPING AT HIS FACE AND SCRATCHING AT HIS EYES ! " AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! " The stranger cried as Emolga landed gracefully on the ground , walkie - talkie in hand and dashed towards his trainer , who gave him a satisfied smile as they both watched the scared vigilante run back where he came from . Coming back from his panic , Tommy suddenly realized he was only fifteen to twenty feet away from the small creek . The incident was over ; Tommy was on his way towards a new journey ! After all , this incident was but a minor hiccup against a non - recurring , unnamed and ambiguously - gendered minor character ; Tommy would probably never see him again … Death to Plasma ? Charles walked through the forest , looking left and right . There appeared to be no more Pokemon around . He sighed , this was a little too much . There was a shack in the middle of the woods , and Charles felt his stomach grumble . He decided to go up to the shack , and knock on the door . No one answered . Charles groaned , " Hello ? " Still no answer . There was a skittering noise , and Charles looked around . He saw nothing . Charles sent out Niengo so he could get to know both of his Pokemon better . Niengo looked scared and then calmed down , realizing there were no Spinarak around . He sighed , " Ri . . . " < Whew > Charles looked for Zorua , but he nothing . Looking around , Charles called , " Zoura ? Are you there ? " There was no response . Charles heard the skittering noise again , and this time , it sounded like it was coming from above him . . . Looking up he saw nothing , so he figured Zorua was on the roof . He grabbed the roof , and proceeded to hoist himself up . Very . Slowly . Once he was at the top , huffing and puffing , he saw a crab like Pokemon holding Zorua hostage . He sighed , " Kimbou , can you get up here ? " He felt Kimbou grab onto his leg , and that extra twenty pounds was enough to pull Charles down . He fell to the ground and murmured , " Uh . . . " Niengo jumped into the air and caught a hold of the roof . He easily flipped himself over onto it . Niengo disappeared from sight , and Charles heard , " Ri ! " < Help ! > Waiting for Niengo to come down , Charles started to whistle a tune . Nothing happened , so he groaned and hoisted himself up . Once on the roof , Charles saw a kneeling Niengo , and the crab - mushroom thing holding Zorua hostage . Then he remembered Niengo was afraid of bugs , and this thing was probably a bug type . The thing looked at him with a foaming mouth , and Charles got ready to tackle it . But before he did , he pulled out his Pokedex . He held up his Pokedex , and it said , " What do you need ? " " Identify that Pokemon . " " Zorua , the Tricky Fox Pokemon . To protect themselves from danger , they hide their true identities by transforming into people and Pokémon . It is a Dark type . Moves : Scratch , Growl , and Pursuit . " " No , not Zorua , the other bug type . " Charles gave up and put the Pokedex away , he didn 't care what Pokemon it was , he was going to tackle it . Charles jumped into the Pokemon . All he felt was the hard roof top . The Pokemon was completely gone . Zorua chuckled . " So it was you , you trickster ! " Zorua nodded its head and chuckled . Then Charles got an idea , " Trickster , that 's a good name . " Zorua chimed in , " Zo ! " < Yah ! > Shadow AdlerShadow walked carefully round the forest , Nip however ran around joyfully he seemed stronger after his battle . Every now and then Nip would stop , he was looking for a battle , or perhaps looking for a friend ? The only time Shadow could tell is the serious look in his eyes when he saw a pokemon . They found some bug types , Caterpie , Sewaddle , Weedle , and a Spinarak . But Nip jumped too soon , and the pokemon fled . And by now Nip was restless , he had a taste of battling and wanted more . " What is it Nip ? " Shadow asked when Nip stopped in his tracks , and he seemed quite interested in a bush . He slowly knelt down to the ground near Nip , if Nip did find a pokemon he did 't want to scare it away . But after 5 minuets of waiting by the bush with nothing , Shadow stood up . Nip refused to move . " Really Nip , is there something in the bush ? " Shadow asked , Nip replied with a small cry . Shadow went down to the bush again and placed his hand in , at first he couldn 't find anything , but trusting Nip Shadow felt around the bush till he found something . He had a look at the object in his hands , it was a rock with what looked like a leaf on it , Shadow wasn 't too big on items so wasn 't sure what it was . But placed it in his pocket , regretting not having a bag . " Maybe you aren 't so daft Nip , who knows that could be really useful " Shadow said patting Nip on the head who jumped into Shadow 's arms " Don 't worry we will find a battle soon , ok ? " Shadow said smiling at Nip who decided to stay in Shadow 's arms . Who knows maybe there where some trainers here ? __________________ " Yes ? " Professor Pine responded as she came out of the room where Greyson got Cinder . " I was wondering if I could get some supplies . . " he inquired quietly . " Of course ! Come on in . I actually have some supplies pack repaired ! " She beckoned as she went back into the room she had just came out of . Greyson nodded at her and turned back to the door as he stuck the parcel in his bag . He walked to it stumbling a bit and exited . As Greyson walked around the building he stared at the forest analyzing all the different spots he could enter . Sunlight broke through the clouds and shone right in her face . Colette let out a soft moan as she started waking up . ' ' Ugh , stupid sun … Wait , what time is it ? ' ' ' ' Yer almost ther ' , missy . Rootdry Town , ho ! ' ' sounded the gruff voice of the bus driver . ' ' O - Oh . Right … Thanks ! ' ' Colette answered , still a bit sleepy . She quickly wiped off the bit of drool that stuck to the right side of her mouth , and got ready to get off . The bus stopped at a small wooden hut with a bus sign next to it . ' ' Thanks ! ' ' Colette said as she hopped off , after which the bus left . She looked around . She had arrived in a large valley that was completely green . Bright flowers sprouted from the fields , and lots of birds and seemed to enjoy flying around in the soft breeze . A small stream ran by the bus stop , accompanied by a sign : 「 ROOTDRY TOWN →」 After about 15 minutes of walking , the tall building was finally there . Professor Pine 's research lab looked extremely modern , with the smooth white walls and square , seemingly randomly placed square windows . Higher up on the building , at the third and fourth floor , it seemed the entire white wall had been replaced with glass all over the side of the building . On closer inspection however , part of the glass was in fact a large solar panel . It was hooked up to a large machine Colette could see through the window , but she couldn 't even begin to fathom what it would be used for . Colette stood in front of the building for a little while . Back home , in Mossdeep , the Space Center was the same kind of modernized lab . A wave of nostalgia hit Colette as she bit her lip , reminiscing of home . She went inside , and a hallway stretched out in front of her , with separate rooms without doors to her left and right . She walked further and looked into every one she passed . Some lab assistants were doing experiments or working on their computers , but none of them came up when they saw Colette stroll through the hallways . She became a little shy ; nobody coming up to her made her feel like she wasn 't supposed to be in here . The hallway ended in a large , open lab room , where a woman in a lab coat was writing in a journal . Colette walked up to her . ' ' Oh ! Goodness gracious , you scared me . ' ' She looked down at her journal , which now had a large pen stripe down the page , due to the shock . She sighed and turned to Colette . ' ' Who are you ? Do you have some kind of business here ? … Wait , could you be another trainer who wants to set out to counter Plasma ? ' ' ' ' Indeed I am ! Professor Pine , pleased to make your acquaintance . ' ' She excitedly shook Colette 's hand . ' ' Ahh , this is wonderful ! I thought nobody else would come ! Right this way . ' ' She put her hand on Colette 's shoulder and immediately took her to a separate room . ' ' These are the Pokémon I have for you ! ' ' She showcased all the Pokéballs available , each labelled with the Pokémon inside . Colette stared at them one by one . ' ' Yes ! Well , no . Some have already been taken by other trainers , you see . ' ' She showed the empty Chimchar Pokéball to start with . ' ' But you can take any you like of the ones that are left ! Go right ahead ! ' ' With a pat on the back , the Professor left Colette to choose by herself . Colette walked up to the table and contemplated about the Pokémon a little while . She thought which would be the best to take up into the fight to Ghetsis … One that could resist Kyurem and Genesect … But her mind was made up right from the start . She picked up a ball and let the little Pokémon out . " NIP ! COME BACK ! " Shadow shouted running through the forest stumbling over branches on the floor . Nip just jumped out of his arms and ran , Shadow hoped it was that Nip found a wild pokemon , because if Nip has done a runner Shadow would be stuck in the forest . " There yo - " Shadow said and stopped mid sentence Nip has found a pokemon . It was red with black spots on there back , Shadow opened up the pokedex ' Ledyba , the Five Star Pokémon . These naturally gentle Bug - types gather in groups during cold weather to keep warm ' The mechanical voice informed Shadow . Shadow quickly reminded himself of Nip 's moves . He was disappointed that Nip only knew 2 attacks , as he honestly didn 't know what the other moves would do . But he felt he may as well try one of them . " Nip , use sand attack ! " Shadow said , to Nip . And Nip seemed to kick sand in Ledyba 's eyes . Although it confused Shadow due to the fact there is no sand in a forest , but the name did give a meaning . Ledyba tried to shake the sand out of it 's eyes before attacking , and it through it self at Nip and missed . ' It must lower accuracy ! ' Shadow thought . And Shadow pushed back curiosity at what the other moves do and decided to properly attack . " Nip use Iron tail ! " and Nip 's tail turned to iron and hit Ledyba , but it still got back up . It tackled Nip successfully this time and knocked Nip down . " Are you ok ? " Shadow said , as much as he enjoyed battling he didn 't like seeing his pokemon being hurt . It was always a relief to see Nip get up , even though it was only his second battle . " Ok tackle ! " Shadow said and Nip forced into Ledyba at full speed . Knocking it down again . " Quick tackle again ! " Shadow said as Ledyba was getting up . And then Nip and Ledyba tackled into each other . Nip must have been stronger as Ledyba hit a tree behind . And Nip had won . " YES ! WELL DONE ! " Shadow said jumping to the ground to congratulate Nip . He then saw a berry , it must have been the Ledyba 's Shadow picked it up anyways he knew it would be useful . It was a Pecha berry , his sister knew alot about berrys . " You ready to go on ? " Shadow asked Nip , who was ready to run off , looking for more pokemon . ' Maybe I should try and catch a pokemon ' Shadow thought . He saw something in a bush , it looked like an ear , yellow and black . Nip ran to the bush , but whoever was in it ran . Nip ran after it , not wanting another one get away . And it took 10 minuets for Nip to chase and Shadow to run behind before the pokemon revealed itself . Shadow recognized it but took out his pokedex just to check . ' Pikachu , the Mouse Pokémon , and the evolved form of Pichu . Pikachu 's tail is sometimes struck by lightning as it raises it to check its surroundings . ' Said the voice of the pokedex . Shadow smiled , his younger sister Lilly loved pikachu . Although she always called it ' Chu ' then would make a train noise and walk round going ' Chu Chu ! ' . Shadow smiled at this memory , and decided he will try and catch the pikachu . " Nip are you ready , but be careful . This one is going to be our friend " Shadow said , and Nip turned round before facing the pikachu again " Use . . . tackle ! " Shadow said thinking of an attck which would be too strong . And the attack knocked pikachu down but just for a bit . And when pikachu rose he shot electricity at Nip . He fell to the floor . " NIP ! " Shadow cried , but Nip got up . But Shadow could see he was weak . This was his 3rd battle with nothing to regain strength . Shadow thought about fleeing , but Nip looked at him with determined eyes . He wanted pikachu as a friend too . " Ok . . . Use tackle . . . " Shadow said nervous . And watched as Nip threw himself at pikachu , putting in all he could . The pikachu got down and stayed down for longer than the first , but got up and shot more electricity . Nip fell down and forced himself up , he had one more attack in him . " Nip , use iron tail if you want . I don 't want you to get hurt for me . . . " Shadow said , scared . He was not cut out for this trainer stuff , he covered his eyes and look through a small gap as Nip used Iron tail . Pikachu looked weaker but shot electricity at Nip . Nip fell , he had no more fight left . " NIP ! " Shadow said ran and scooped Nip into his arms . He grabbed a pokeball from his poket and through it at pikachu . And watched in anticipation as it rocked , cradling Nip in his arms . __________________ Spoiler : Okay , there was one thing I noticed in the beginning , even though there is no sand in the forest , you would use dirt . Eevee isn 't a ground , rock , steel or such type , and therefore cannot materialize sand out of mid - air . Overall nice post . A few tweaks . Next time , make your capture battle a little longer , I was kind of forced to give you the Pikachu , because otherwise you would have been Pokemonless in the woods in the middle of a forest . . . You found nothing : - ( Nip grew to level 7 . The Pokeball shakes once . Twice . Three times . Click ! You have captured a level 3 Pikachu knowing Growl and Thundershock . Its ability is Static . ( You have encountered 2 common , and 1 rare . You need one more common , or 2 more uncommon to encounter another rare . You can encounter one rare on commons . ) FIRST GMING EVER : You see a man wearing a brown vest and cap walking towards a small house muttering , " They 're gonna kill me ! " . What do you do ? ( P . S . The house is the one you need to get into by the end of this chapter , so please end your post with going inside . ) From his vantage point , Javier saw it all . He saw how the two trainers with the Chimchar and Cyndaquil battled the Houndoom . They were , how can he say , valiant ? They were certainly gutsy for standing up against a really high - leveled Pokémon . Javier sighed as he continued to watch them . If I am in their situation , I 'd rather run away than confront that . Good thing the Houndoom was caught surprised by the Cyndaquil 's Reversal . The two trainers were really in good luck , but it was not a win . More like , a wild Pokémon fled the scene . He also saw how one of the trainers battled the innkeeper . Javier does not know what came into the kid 's mind when he came up to the lady and asked her to a battle . Well , I assume it was the kid who asked for it . Javier waited till everything cleared up . He went down the tree he was in . He was hoping to scavenge a few berries up there , and managed to find a large Watmel Berry . It served as his breakfast . The day before , Professor Pine asked Javier to come to her lab . Javier agreed , thinking that the Professor probably just wanted him to run some errand but , looking at the new faces coming in and out of the lab , Javier guessed that it is not . She 's going to force me into an adventure , right ? Not that I don 't like going on an adventure . I really do want to leave this place . But aren 't I too old for this ? At 18 , Javier is probably the oldest of the kids Pine summoned . Without any Pokémon training experience ( he never bothered to come to his grandfather to get a Pokémon ) , Javier is also feeling awkward for starting his adventure late in his life . But , to hell with that . Javier entered the lab . He remembered nothing of the Silph Co . his parents used to work for when they were still alive but he imagined that the building is something along the lines of the lab . There were several rooms left and right where people in white lab coats were busy hustling back and forth . Javier walked on towards the open door at the far end of the hallway , and was surprised to see Professor Pine and another girl talking . So , another one of us new trainers ? How many are we ? " Some have already been taken by other trainers , you see . " Professor Pine showed her an empty Pokeball . " But you can take any you like of the ones that are left ! Go right ahead ! " Pine pat the girl on the back and left her to choose . Pine suddenly saw Javier . " Did I ? Well , does it matter now . Come pick your Pokémon . Some trainers have come here already , so you may see some empty Pokeballs . " " Tooor ! " The girl chose a Torchic and let it out the lab . It was a tiny little thing . It shook its head , and looked around the lab . Both the girl and Pine seemed please . " I guess it 's my turn now , right " Javier walked up to the table and looked among the remaining Pokeballs . It was marked with various name of species . Javier does not want one species in specific , so he decided to choose randomly . He closed his eyes and let his hand choose . His hand closed around the spherical contraption . Without a moment 's hesitation , he threw the ball . In a flash of light , a Pokémon appeared . Spoiler : A sloppy - looking trainer walks through the door . He rushes in and says , " Sorry I 'm late professor ! " He grabs a Pokeball , and is about to leave when the professor asks , " Who are you again ? " The trainer said , " Frank Hul ! Got to go ! " It had been a half an hour since Jack and his new Pokémon partner had ventured out of Rootdry 's town limits and towards the neighboring Ferrow Forest alone . The two trainers the pair had met earlier went their separate ways , possibly in an attempt to bond with the creatures Pine had so graciously gave to them all . Jack himself had been taking the time alone to note some of his Charmander 's key personality traits . From what the Unovan could gather , the fire lizard was an anxious fighter and may show signs of wanting to protect the other Pokémon that Professor Pine raised alongside itself . Then again , it 's also a common trait amongst unevolved Pokémon to challenge stronger Pokémon of the same type due to what some scholars suggest is an inferiority complex . Jack continued to ponder this conundrum while taking his first steps into the forest . Under the canopy of the flourishing trees around him , the trainer felt a drop in temperature with the sun 's diminished presence . While there was still a high level of visibility within Ferrow , shade was in much abundance with sunlight merely trickling down in a random pattern as it passed through the nooks and crannies of the leaves above . The trail set by Jack and his Charmander was filled with the rustling of fallen leaves and the snapping of small branches , causing many of the skittish Pokémon inhabitants to take cover away from the burning reptilian . While walking , the dirty blonde trainer observed many Pokémon they passed , trying to get an idea as to what to expect for encounters and was happy to see mainly grass and bug types who would be perfect practice for Charmander . Jack decided that now was a good time to explain how he wanted his new partner to battle , which was considered to be unorthodox compared to the most common method of battling . " Charmander , before we begin your training , there 's something I want to go over . In battle , I want you to fight as you would naturally against wild Pokémon without having to wait for orders . " As he spoke , Jack __________________ [ SIZE = " 4 " ] Shadow stared at the rocking pokeball . Once . . . . twice . . . three times . . . until . . . . click . Shadow was in shock , had he really just caught a pokemon ? ! He went over and picked up the pokeball , Nip still in his arms . He opened it up and his newly caught Pikachu stared at him . Shadow smiled , he then rummaged his pockets for Nip 's pokeball . " Sorry buddy , have a nice rest ok ? " Shadow said as Nip went back into his pokeball . " Hello there " he said to the pikachu . " We are going to be friends from now on , and Nip is our friend as well , he just needs a rest " Shadow said , hoping there would be a pokemon center , or someone willing to heal Nip nearby . The pikachu walked up to Shadow slowly and observed him , he wasn 't sure about Shadow . " Don 't worry , I won 't hurt you " Shadow said holding his hand out . The pikachu edged slowly but ran back , the pikachu seemed shy . " It 's ok , take your time . I know it 's hard to get to know people " Shadow said smiling . He sat for a while , waiting for the pikachu to feel confident around him . Although he knew he needed to help Nip , he needed to make sure the pikachu trusted him , so he wasn 't just going to put him into his pokeball and get going . Beside Shadow still felt on edge in the forest and having a pokemon by his side would help him feel safer . And soon the pikachu went over to Shadow and started sniffing at his stripped glove , it was a bit tatty towards the end of it . They where old , Shadow found it on the street and wore it from then , also Nip got at them earlier . Shadow didn 't mind , he thought it look better that way . When the pikachu touch the glove it jumped back . But went back to Shadow sooner than he thought . He climbed onto Shadow , and Shadow stood up the pikachu in his arms . " Good job , see it 's not so bad is it " Shadow said smiling at Pikachu . And he set off , it was quiet , almost silent . Shadow although he was happy to have Pikachu with him really wanted Nip to get healed ASAP . " Pika . . . . . " Shadow stopped and looked at pikachu , he seemed terrified . Then Shadow saw a shadow of a " They 're gonna kill me ! , They 're gonna kill me ! " Shadow looked out and saw a man in a brown vest and cap muttering that phrase over and over . ' Who ? Who is going to kill him ? What the heck is in here ? ' He was walking towards a house , Shadow was shocked he didn 't see it earlier . He debated with himself on if he should or should not go to the house . He could get Nip healed . . . . but the man scared him , he seemed slightly senile . . . . But there might be something in the forest , something that could kill him . And what could a senile man do to him , wait that could lead to death too he thought . Or he could get kidnapped like Jack . . . . He missed Jack , he would have loved this , exploring a forest . He just wished everyone else would believe he was kidnapped , Jack wouldn 't run away . Shadow put those thoughts aside , plucked up courage and got out of the bush Pikachu still in his hat . He took careful steps following the man , his mutters getting louder . ' Please don 't let me die ' I don 't want to die ' Shadow kept saying in his head , hoping someone would hear his thoughts and help him . Where are the other trainers , there was defiantly more in Rootdry Town . He should have got the courage to talk to people , but he wasn 't very sociable . . . He looked for MP3 player and put one headphone in and put the loudest song he could on . He tried to drown out the mans mad mutters . But it got its way into Shadows head , and he kept looking back . He saw the man enter the house , Shadow slowly walked over . His hand hovered near the door , but he panicked and pulled it back and he sat by the door music blasting in his ear , Pikachu still in Shadows hat . / SIZE ] Torchic looked at her face curiously , glanced at the professor it could see in the other room , and looked back at her . ' ' Chic ! ' ' it said happily . It ran a circle around her and jumped into her lap . Colette was surprised by the unfamiliar voice , and looked up behind her , but just then she was passed by its owner ; a rather tall black - haired young man walked to the table with large steps . Colette picked Torchic up in her arms and stood up , watching the other person . He seemed to have closed his eyes to make his choice . Wait , was he choosing at random ? ! She had no time to consider it , for immediately after picking it up he threw the Pokéball to reveal his choice : a small Mudkip stood on the floor , looking around a little bewildered . ' ' Kip ? ' ' it cried . ' ' I see you picked Torchic ! And it seems to like you too . That 's wonderful ! ' ' She walked over to her desk and pulled out two extra chairs for Colette and the other person to sit on . They sat down together , Torchic on Colette 's lap . Professor Pine waited a little while for the second trainer to come out before starting her explanation . She smiled once again when she saw said trainer walk toward them . ' ' And you took . . Mudkip ! I see . I hope he will become a valuable companion to you as well as a strong fighter ! ' ' She paused so he could join them . Colette smiled at him and tried to say ' hi ' softly , but combined with her shyness it ended up as a whisper . Slightly embarrassed , she turned to the professor to listen . ' ' Now , the both of you need to understand that the mission you 're being sent out on isn 't going to be an easy one . As you know , Team Plasma , the evil organisation that threatened Unova before has resurrected once again , this time stronger than ever before . With their leader Ghetsis ' Genesect , they shot and killed White , and managed to capture Kyurem as a result . Combined , their strength is overwhelming , and they caused great havoc in Unova already . ' ' ' ' You were ? That 's … Hm . I see . In that case , you should be fully aware just how large a threat we 're facing at this point in time . We may have successfully evacuated the Unova Region , but there is no guarantee that Plasma won 't follow us here - in fact , I 'm quite certain they will . ' ' ' ' And that is the reason we will be sent out , isn 't it ? To follow in White 's footsteps , to make Team Plasma disappear once and for all this time … ' ' Colette murmured as she looked down at the Torchic in her lap . ' ' Chic ! ' ' it chirped as it looked back at her excitedly . At that , Colette held the Torchic a little tighter against her . At the time of the attack , her Pokémon hadn 't exactly been weak . She had been travelling for a while , but Colette was far from being an Ace Trainer . Was there enough time to establish a completely new team from scratch that would be able to defeat Ghetsis ? Images from Castelia flashed before Colette 's eyes , imagining what would happen to if she couldn 't … She snapped out of it when another trainer came running into the room . ' ' Sorry I 'm late Professor ! ' ' He quickly walked on through to the room where the Pokéballs were being kept . He apparently took one and was about to hightail it back out of the room . ' ' Who are you again ? ' ' The professor said . The door slammed shut . The Professor ran into the Pokéball room and finally it dawned on her what actually happened . ' ' He stole the Totodile ! Can you go after him ? ' ' Torchic chirped as Colette stood up from her chair and put her little Pokémon back in its ball . ' ' Yes ! ' ' She started walking towards the door hurriedly , but then turned around to face the other trainer , and continued walking backwards . ' ' I 'm Colette . Come with me ! . . . Please ! ' ' The Mudkip looked around the lab , with a little fright in its eyes . It ? How am I supposed to know if this Pokémon is a male or female ? Javier decided to just stick with ' it ' for the meantime , or until he determined if the Pokémon is of either gender . " And you took . . Mudkip ! I see . I hope he will become a valuable companion to you as well as a strong fighter ! ' ' So , it is a ' he ' . The other trainer was already sitting on one of the chairs pulled out by Professor Pine . The Torchic was on her lap . The trainer tried to smile , but it turned to be an awkward grin . " Come , sit . " Javier took the seat next to the trainer . " Now , the both of you need to understand that the mission you 're being sent out on isn 't going to be an easy one . As you know , Team Plasma , the evil organisation that threatened Unova before has resurrected once again , this time stronger than ever before . With their leader Ghetsis ' Genesect , they shot and killed White , and managed to capture Kyurem as a result . Combined , their strength is overwhelming , and they caused great havoc in Unova already . ' ' Javier already knew this . Because of Plasma 's terrorism ( what else is it ? ) people from Unova were forced to move to Xyuim . Javier suddenly remembered his grandparents . He started to space out when Pine said , " We may have successfully evacuated the Unova Region , but there is no guarantee that Plasma won 't follow us here - in fact , I 'm quite certain they will . ' ' It 's our turn to fight . I never wanted any of this . But hey , it 's an adventure . The trainer beside him was looking at her Torchic . He could see a flash of fear in her eyes . Javier knew that it was really frightening to confront a whole terrorist organization all by yourself , and he could see why . Javier looked at Mudkip . It looks so weak and in order for them to defeat Plasma , they need to train really hard , day in and day out . Javier does not know how long that will take , but it will surely not take a week . Could I do it ? " You 're not on my list … ' ' Pine once againt stopped Javier 's train of thoughts . A messy - looking guy was about to leave the room , holding one of the Pokeballs . Pine sounded anxious as she checked the list of , probably , the new trainers ' names . " Sorry ! ' ' The guy just ran out the room , holding the Pokeball . Professor Pine headed towards the Pokeballs and exclaimed , " He stole the Totodile ! Can you go after him ? " The other trainer called her Torchic back . Javier did the same , but she was already halfway out the door when Javier rose from his seat . She turned around and said , " [ b ] I 'm Colette . Come with me , please ! " Javier nodded and followed her . " BlazeBlast ! Shroomie ! We need to find a travel partner , someone who is worth travelling with . " BlazeBlast and Shroomie got up shocked from his shouting and they both tapped Jack . Jack turned around and sow them pointing at this berry on him infact two berries a leppa berry and a pecha berry , all he did was put them both in his bag . " You two . Lets go on " Jack said waiting for them to turn around " Ok Shroomie where shall we go ? " The Shroomish pointed to a small path that had a sign saying ' Forest Shack forward ' . " Thanks Shroomie , someone will definitely be there great lets go ! " BlazeBlast on his shoulder and Shroomie tucked in his hands like a baby they all followed the path . " Great the Shack is here , looks more like a little house . " Jack looked around observing the area looking for someone when out of nowhere a boy stumbled right over him . All he did was stop and say " Are you ok ? Why do I attack pokemon ? Oh bye ! " The boy ran off chased by Oddish , Shroomish and two Pikachu . Jack looked at the situation , gave a shrug and kept on looking for a travel partner . He then realised that he should be having lunch by now so he set up a picnic rug and got out food for him and his pokemon . Shadow sat almost frozen , he blamed fear . He tried to lock himself in a world of music , and shut out everything else . He had only recently drowned out the sound of the muttering of the man from earlier . He was trying to get the idea out of his head that someone is coming to kill him , or that the man in the house would come out and attack him . He held Nip 's pokeball , only this morning he met him and he is now his second closest friend . He hated the fact that he let him faint , he should have withdrawn Nip from the battle and leave the pikachu . Even though Nip wanted to fight , and Shadow did like the pikachu who was still hiding in his hat . But Shadow would have liked Nip to steady his nerves . Shadow didn 't dare look round the forest either , he was just picking at a hole in the bottom of his jeans . He just hoped his MP3 player doesn 't die on him . Shadow 's hat fell onto his lap . and he jumped . He placed his hand on his head , Pikachu wasn 't there . He grabbed it hat and forced it onto his head , half covering his face and tried to steady himself . ' I 'm just scaring myself ' he told himself , he looked up and Pikachu was looking down from the roof . Shadow thought he should tell Pikachu to get down , but he was scared to breathe to loudly . He just curled up , hugging his bass case . Shuting his eyes , and trying to block out things . ' I don 't want to die ' he said in his head . __________________ A sudden rustle woke Tommy up . He knew not how long he 'd fallen asleep for , but the pitch - black sky seemed to have turned lighter as dawn approached . To his immediate right , only ten feet away , he saw it . A wild Pikachu was peeking through the foliage , seemingly worried ; it brought an Oran Berry with it . Emolga , having recently woken up , immediately perked up with interest and approached its fellow Electric - type . The two Pokémon seemed to measure each other up . They sniffed at each other , circled , Emolga tried to touch the wild Pikachu who shied away , before suddenly … " Damn it all … " Tommy told himself through gritted teeth as he tried to get up after being floored by the Electric - type attack . " Ehh mool … " his Pokémon agreed apparently . " GAH ! " Emolga proclaimed , getting up and chucking his Oran Berry upwards before catching it and taking a chomp out of it . The Pikachu let loose sparks from its pouches , daring Emolga to " come at me , bro . " And Emolga swallowed the rest of the Oran Berry , and was apparently rejuvenated ; their battle was on . Okay , it 's been a while , let ' see if I still got it . Tommy thought to himself as his Pokémon rushed forth to battle . The wild Pikachu began to build up static on his cheek pouches … " Good job ! " Tommy screamed . I 'm at a slight type disadvantage , but that Pikachu 's Thundershock won 't bring Emolga down any time soon . Tommy thought . " Keep it up Emolga , connect with more Quick Attacks ; tie them up ! " Emolga listened to his trainer , and obeyed . He rushed the wild Pikachu one more time , who , gasping , was not even able to cover up before taking the full brunt of the hit . " Pikaa ! " it cried as it went airborne . " Emolga ! " Tommy screamed . His fears confirmed , the clashing Thundershocks combined to create a strong explosion that sent his little Emolga flying back . " Eeeh … mooool … " he grunted as he struggled to get back up , while the wild Pikachu lumbered toward him . Electricity sparked weakly but violently over the Pokémon 's pouches , and its eyes seemed glazed over . It had the will to keep fighting , but it seemed his strength had left him . However , Emolga was not in any better condition . " Well … " Tommy said as he approached the Pikachu . " It 's just you and me know little fellow . " He then kneeled to be at the Pokémon 's eye level . " You 're pretty strong , you know ? I mean , you lost , but you have a lot of potential . Please don 't hate me for this . " Javier and Colette went outside the lab . The sun was already low in the sky , so Javier guessed that it was something past four o ' clock in the afternoon . " Where is he ? " Javier saw the messy - looking kid enter the Ferrow Forest . That leads out the village . The two of them ran towards the guy into the forest . The boy in front of them was running as well , but Colette wasn 't sure if he already noticed he was being followed . Regardless , the woods would inevitably make it more difficult to give chase . ' ' Hey , um . . . ' ' Colette realised she didn 't know her companion 's name yet . This wasn 't exactly the best time for introductions , however . ' ' Are you familiar around here ? Is there any way we can drive him into a corner or something ? . . . ' ' " Me ? Familiar ? " Javier shook his head . He was far from being tired , but perspiration was already beading on his forehead . Probably due to the heat . " Never bothered to explore the village , nor the forest . All I know is that , " Javier pointed towards where the boy is running . " That leads out the village . We better keep on running so as to catch up to him . " Colette nodded . They were steadily approaching the entrance of the forest . Unfortunately , as they were getting closer to the thief , he 'd picked up on them ; occasionally , the sloppily - dressed trainer looked back , and threw them an irritated look . Still , it was as if he didn 't pay them much mind just yet . Soon they found out the reason for his confidence : fairly quickly after they 'd gone into the forest , the trainer strayed from the beaten path , into the much more densely forested area . Clearly , he must have known the forest like the back of his hand . The two of them followed the kid into the deeper parts of the forest , both of them panting hard . The kid soon gained advantage of the situation ; his twist and turns made Javier redouble his efforts in keeping up with the kid . However , his lack of knowledge in the forest , and the kid 's apparent mastery over it , took its toll on the chase . Once or twice , Javier thought that the kid had lost them , only to find that he was several meters away from them , running through thick brambles of bush . Soon enough , the kid was already far from the duo . BAM . She tripped over a surfaced tree root , and now she 'd hit the ground hard . Colette cursed under her breath and scrambled to her feet . That 'd done it , however . The criminal had disappeared into the lush greenery of the forest . ' ' He must 've known this was here . I can 't tell which way he went though . . . ' ' Colette crouched down to see if she could distinguish any footprints , but couldn 't tell . She looked up at Javier . ' ' Should we split up ? ' ' Shadow was still curled up , still resting against the outside of the shack . He didn 't dare take out his headphones and be greeted by either the sounds of movement which are bound to scare him , or silence . Pikachu was still on the roof , Shadow tried to think back . ' Did he actually see the man enter the shack , or just walk by ? ' He kept on giving himself this question , but he could never think of a definite answer . Shadow froze completely , he held his breath afraid to move the smallest bit . He saw something , a shadow , it was in the distance though so Shadow thought he was safe . But within the next 30 minuets the shadow got closer , it took the shape of a man . Shadow panicked , he snuck into the cabin and hid behind a chest of draws his Bass case rest underneath it . He forgot to see if the man was in there . But he had something else to think , was there actually a shadow , was it a person ? Shadow knew that a group of objects together makes a convincing shadow . Why was it getting closer ? Was it one of the trainers ? Could it be the person form the mans ' there going to kill me ' mutters . Would they bother checking a small shack ? Would they bother looking behind a chest of draws ? Yet , Shadow couldn 't think through these question properly , he had an edge of unease . Something wasn 't right . ' Damn it I left Pikachu on the roof ' he said in his head . Guilt took over , he no longer worried if someone attacked him , he just thought of Pikachu just above him on the roof , maybe he is scared ? Or he might just run ? ' I am a useless trainer ' Shadow thought ' Letting Nip faint to catch a pokemon , and then I leave that pokemon to save myself ' __________________ ' ' Should we split up ? ' ' Colette asked . Javier looked around the area and saw nothing that could point in the direction the kid ran off . The leaves did not trace any path through the forest , and no footsteps were imprinted on the muddy path . " I guess . It seems that is the best thing to do . So , meet you again , somewhere . Good luck , " Javier started to retrace his steps , when he suddenly decided to turn around . " I 'm Javier Serrano , by the way . " Javier ran off . He was worried that the girl might insist on searching for the thief together , and he 'd had enough company for the day . Good thing she thought of searching the forest independently . Javier was retracing their steps back to where Colette tripped . I guess a little bit of company would not hurt , either way . Javier got Mudkip 's Pokeball and threw it . The Mud Fish Pokémon appeared in a flash of red light . " Kip ? " The Pokémon looked at Javier with curious eyes . He picked it up . Mudkip squirmed from his touch but relaxed when Javier looked at it straight in its eyes . It started to nibble on one of Javier 's fingers . " Shall I name you ? " The Pokémon ignored him and was happily nibbling Javier 's thumb . " I guess you have to have a name , not just simply Mudkip . Let 's try … uhmm … Axel ? " The Mudkip continued on ignoring Javier . " Never mind . We 'll get to that later . " He let down the Pokémon . " C ' mon , Let 's find that guy . " Something rustled in the bushes behind him . Javier turned towards the bush . It continued to rustle vigorously . " Let 's see what you are made of ! Axel - I mean , Mudkip ! " The Mudkip bounded in front of Javier , its eyes gleaming . Out of the bushes emerged a Deerling , holding a branch of Oran Berries in its mouth . " Mudkip ! Tackle ! " Mudkip crashed into the Deerling with such intensity that the Oran Berry branch flew away from its mouth . The Deerling looked at Mudkip furiously . It growled . Mudkip cowered with the sound . " Hold your ground ! Tackle ! " Mudkip crashed into the Deerling once again , but it countered with another Tackle . Mudkip flew and crashed into the ground . Mudkip stood up , and tackled again . The Deerling fell with the Tackle . " Wait , Mudkip ! Let 's try our luck for our first partner ! " Javier threw his Pokeball . The same red light sucked in the Deerling and beeped . Javier waited with bated breath . The Deerling popped out after one shake of the Pokeball . Both Javier and Mudkip looked confused " Wait , wha - ? " Before Javier could even processed what happened , the Deerling disappeared into the bushes behind it . " Where 'd it go ? " Mudkip bounded into the foliage and sent a blind tackle . The Deerling reappeared once more , its eyes gleaming . It started to growl . Guess this whole catching business is not really my thing . " Okay , Mudkip ! Let 's try this again ! Flank that Deerling on its left and use Tackle ! " Mudkip bounded towards the Deerling 's left . However , the Deerling seemed to understand the confusion caused by it using Camouflage . It used it again , disappearing into the forestry once more . Javier could hear it rustling away . " No ! Come , Ax - Mudkip ! " The two of them followed the sounds of shaking grass . It finally stopped short of a clearing . Javier could make out a silhouette of the Deerling . " I got you now . Axe - I mean Mudkip , Tackle ! " Mudkip leaped and hit the Deerling squarely in the back . It slid back a few feet . However , despite its obvious fatigue , it managed to knock Mudkip back also . " Uhmm . Mudkip , Counter ! " Mudkip glowed with a white light . It crashed into the bushes , both of them rolling head over paws . Javier followed and saw that both are still on their feet . However , both of them looked tired as Arceus on the seventh day . The Deerling rushed towards Mudkip , knocking Mudkip down to the ground but the impact took its toll on the Deerling . Its knees buckled , and it slumped to the ground . One more hit , and I 'll try to catch it again . First times are seldom good , everybody know that . " Tackle ! One more ! " Javier took a Pokeball and threw it as Mudkip got to its feet and did one final Tackle . The Pokeball sucked the Deerling in as Mudkip crashed to the ground . Javier ran towards the Mudkip . It is in no state to battle yet . The Pokeball beeped and shook once . . . ' ' I guess . It seems like that is the best thing to do . So , meet you again , somewhere . Good luck . ' ' And he walked back in the direction they came from . ' ' I 'm Javier Serrano , by the way . ' ' ' ' Nice to … ' ' She sighed . When she turned around , he 'd left again already . ' ' … meet you too . ' ' She stuck out her tongue in his general direction . Hmph . You 're not going to find our thief by backtracking , anyway ! She walked along the path , keeping an eye out in case Frank really did show up again . Being honest however , she 'd already given up on the search a little . Of course if she did run into him again , she 'd kick his ass . Hopefully . But until then examining the forest around her was far more interesting . The girl let out Torchic as to let him explore with her , possibly to get some necessary training in ; after all , they needed to get stronger , and fast . Perhaps she could even add a Grass - type to her team . Together they were looking through the bushes and trees to find critter Pokémon to train against , but apparently luck wasn 't on their side . After about half an hour of non - stop searching , Colette and Torchic sat down in the tall grass to take a little rest . This area of the forest was a little darker than where they 'd been before , so she assumed they were a lot further in the woods by now . Little light came through the trees , and they seemed closer together as a whole as well . This definitely wasn 't where Frank went , at least . The brunette took out a sandwich and gave Torchic a little Pokémon food . When she did , though , suddenly a bit of grass near her began to rustle . ' ' What … Torchic , look . ' ' Colette got up , and Torchic readied himself for battle . They slowly crept up closer to the rustling grass … Until it suddenly stopped . Colette and Torchic looked at each other and snuck to an arm 's reach . When she tried to move the grass apart to see the Pokémon , the grass suddenly jumped up ! A cute Oddish popped out . A little scared , it backed off a few steps , but it seems curiosity got the better of it ; it kept watching the girl and her Pokémon closely . And the battle started ! Torchic ran up to Oddish to Scratch it , but Oddish was flexible . Waiting right until Torchic got close , it turned away with a twirl and ran towards Colette . Torchic however came right back as well and this time managed to Scratch Oddish from behind . Oddish tripped over by the blow and rolled over once . It got back up quickly , and looked not amused . ' ' Great Torchic , try attacking it again ! ' ' Torchic chirped with excitement and made to do another Scratch . It hit , but that was the last straw for Oddish . It struck back with an Absorb . That could become a problem should the battle last too long … Torchic was a little disoriented , but didn 't let that stop him . It closed its eyes , relaxed its muscles , and regained - no , it even improved its composure from before . Using Agility worked wonders : Torchic suddenly launched at Oddish like a bullet . He jumped , and this time Scratched Oddish with both of its feet . Oddish fell to the ground , struggling a little to get back up ; this was her chance . Colette quickly dug in her bag and threw one of her Pokéballs ! Torchic chirped victoriously , but Colette waited in suspense as the Pokéball enclosed the Oddish and dropped into the grass . . . It was no surprise to Jack that the Spinarak he had battled was too weak to evade capture . After a few moments of the Pokeball rolling on the grass , the red LED turned off , indicating to Jack that his party had just doubled in size . Charmander went over to it and nudged it slowly with his snout to see if its foe was hiding under the red and white orb , but backed away when his master came over and picked up the Pokeball . With the press of a button , the Spinarak manifested once again beside the duo . The Fire - Type was on guard and prepared to attack , but it was unnecessary . The Spinarak was severely weakened from the previous fight and in no condition to struggle against the two . This state wouldn 't suffice for Jack , as he needed his Pokémon in good health for training . Out of his backpack , he retrieved a Potion and began to spray the injured areas with the healing remedies found within . In moments , the spider Pokémon started to recover , and it was clear that its strength was restored . It looked around and saw the Charmander she had been fighting not five minutes ago . Both Pokémon were on edge and aggressive snarls and cries were traded before Jack intervened . " ENOUGH ! , " he exclaimed loudly , which startled both Pokémon . With his Pokémon now looking up at him , the Unovan continued , " No more bickering . You 're both on the same team now , so act like it . " He gave a scolding look to both Pokémon as he spoke to show dominance over the two . In his experience , Pokémon will in time follow orders as if they were defending their family from danger , but in the beginning it was important to show newcomers that the Trainer was the alpha in the situation . Before he time to continue , a rustling could be heard from a nearby brush . Unknowing if it was a wild Pokémon hiding or something else , Jack determined that it would be best to investigate in the case of it being something to worry about . He gave Charmander the order to flush it out , and the red lizard began to run around the brush in a circle to flank whatever " You 're up , Spinarak . " Jack said to his new Pokémon . She looked up at him and began to shake her head to signify that she understood the command . " Just follow my orders and you should win this in no time . Now , lead off with a String Shot to slow it down , and then use Poison Sting . " With no time to waste , the small green Pokémon scurried closer to the Teddiursa to confront it . Unwilling to fight but seemingly with no choice , the little bear with the crescent moon crest prepared for incoming attacks . Following her orders wonderfully , Spinarak lead the battle off with a stream of her String Shot aimed at Teddiursa 's feet . Like with the battle with Charmander , her aim was impeccable and in a split second was all it took to cake the foe 's feet in a sticky goop that prevented much movement . Now frantically scratching away at the silky substance , Teddiursa had no time to think of a counter attack , and as left open for another attack by Spinarak . Using the distraction of the Teddiursa trying to free himself , the big green bug hurried to the side of her opponent in a flanking fashion . Unseen , she pounced on her prey , driving her head stinger through the thin layer of fur protecting the bear 's skin just as he removed his feet from the String Shot . The attack broke through the skin to complete her attack before backing off to observe how much damage she caused . While the wild Pokémon cried in pain from the initial attack , it was unclear to both Jack and his Spinarak if the Poison Sting had actually caused a poisoning effect , or if the Teddiursa 's natural antibodies from a diet consisting primarily of honey had given it a stronger immune system . Now freed from the spider 's trap , the small bear countered the attack by scratching her on the head with his honey soaked paws . The claws did damage , and scratch marks were slightly visible on the hard exoskeleton of the arachnid . Jumping backwards , she prepared to let loose the ranged variant of the Poison Sting attack . Before her attack hit , the teddy bear let loose a Sweet Scent , wharfing a pleasant smelling aroma into Spinarak 's vicinity . She still managed to initiate the Poison Sting , and tiny poisonous needles showered the Teddiursa . But the aroma was too much for the tiny spider , and she halted her attack early to soak in the sweet smell that engulfed her . Through the hue of the cloud caused by Teddiursa , Jack noticed that the bear Pokémon began to breathe heavier and more erratic . Whether it the first or second attack that did it , the fury critter was definitely poisoned . The aroma cloud began to disperse , and with it returned Spinarak 's will to battle . Before the battle could continue , large and heavy footprints shook the nearby bushes and were followed with a ferocious snarling noise . Out from behind the Teddiursa , an Ursaring appeared with a vicious look on its face . " Crap , it 's the mother bear . " Jack said to himself as the hulking brute stood next to her offspring . Jack ordered his Charmander into the fray , seeing as how this now could constitute as a double battle . He didn 't think they 'd be able to win in their present state but Jack hoped that his two Pokémon could at least intimidate it into leaving him alone . Jack couldn 't have been more wrong with his plan . Even though he ordered both his Pokémon to attack the mother with Dragon Pulse and Poison Sting , the attacks seemed to do very little damage to the large bear . The Teddiursa , instead of attacking , chose to climb up onto his mother and climb to the back tufts of fur around her neck . Preparing to attack , the Ursaring used a Leer attack to gaze at both Pokémon , lowering their defenses as the bear began to unnerve them . The nRunning for dear life , the three had to brave the obstacle course of rock and vegetation ahead of them to evade the Ursaring , who appeared to be closing the distance . Hatching a plan in his head , the Unovan Trainer gave his team orders . " Spinarak , use String Shot on the trees behind us to slow it down . Charmander , prepare to use Dragon Pulse . NOW ! " Jack turned around a pointed to the trees he wanted Spinarak to shoot , and without any sort of hesitation , the Spinarak began to connect the trees with various silky strings in multiple different angles while Charmander began to form a dark blue energy ball from its mouth . Unsurprisingly , the Ursaring began to run through the first couple string shots as though they were nothing . It 's either level and weight meant that more string would be needed to actually stop the beast in its tracks , but the tension did slow its movement down some . Still , the blind rage of the mother bear gave her the unwise impulse to ignore the web strings to attack . With each string shot she walked through , it became increasingly more difficult for her to move forward until she came to a halt after becoming ensnared in the final shot . The Ursaring stood there for only a moment before Jack 's order to fire came , but in the moment , the Trainer could tell much from the faces his opponents displayed . The Teddiursa was still poisoned and becoming weaker by the second while the Ursaring 's anger showed without fail and was foaming at the mouth . " Okay , fire Dragon Pulse and Poison String now ! " Jack commanded , hoping this volley would fare better than the first . The Poison Sting hit first , but didn 't seem to break through the thick fur of the foe , and the Dragon Pulse hit the Ursaring directly in her chest . The impact from the last blast weakened the first few layers of strong , and the bear once again began moving forward . " Frig ! Keep running ! " he ordered once again , and for the second time the trio began to sprint away . The Ursaring 's arms were freed from their confines , and with a slash from her massive claws , the impromptu web was demolished . Even angrier than before , the large Pokémon began to use Fury Swipes at nearby trees as she passed them and threw the debris created towards Jack and his team . Now dodging projectiles , Jack made the executive decision to climb a nearby tree . Spinarak , being perfect for this job , climbed the large tree first and used her string shot to pull her master and Charmander up the tree as it had very few ranches for them to climb up near the base . The Ursaring appeared at the base of the tree and growled at the three . Jack sighed in relief as he began to plan how they would escape this unfortunate predicament , though he believed this seemingly good luck to be out of place . He pulled out his old Pokedex that he had since his beginning days as a trainer and thought to himself out loud . " Wait … I think Ursarings can climb trees . " As if on cue , the large bear began to sink her claws into the bark of the tree and started to climb up . Cursing this series of unfortunate events , Jack was left with no choice but to think of his way out quickly or risk being mauled to death . Having an idea , he ordered his Spinarak to swing over to a nearby tree while ordering Charmander to unleash another Dragon Pulse to slow down the opponent 's advance . " Spinarak , use Rage Powder to draw its attention ! , " he called out at the same time the Charmander 's attack hit the Ursaring in the face . From her thorax , a reddish mist secreted down towards Ursaring . Releasing an enraged growl , the powerful bear jumped from the tree it as on and clawed her way onto Spinarak 's tree . Giving the small spider a Leer , the Ursaring succeeded to lowering her defenses through intimidation yet again . The Teddiursa on her back looked to be in bad shape , being poisoned for almost a half hour by now and currently shaking on his mother 's fur . It was weak , and Jack could tell . If the child would grow up to be anything like the mother , it would be a powerful asset to his team and there was no denying it . Taking out a Pokeball , Jack threw it at the Teddiursa . The small bear was entrapped inside the spherical device and it began to shake and roll about as the wild Pokémon began to struggle against being captured while his mother continued to climb up the tree . Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo . This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo , Creatures , GAMEFREAK , or The Pokémon Company International . We just love Pokémon . |
I have always LOVED Proverbs 31 . She is a woman of strength and honor and her family adores her . She dresses well and is a successful business woman who cares for the poor and needy . She 's perfect really . Everything I could ever aspire to be . She has everything I could ever hope for . My son warned his girlfriend 's parents about me . As though you need to mentally prepare yourself to meet me . He told them I 'm a hippie . My values are so conventional I 've been accused of being legalistic ! Too Christian ! A right wing nut ! I won 't even vaccinate my children , let alone take mind altering drugs ! I 'm about as bland and conventional in my appearance as a middle aged mom can get ! I wear make up ( well , most days ) ; I wear a bra ( padded push up ! ) ; I don 't think I even own any beads . I do try to buy only organic food . If it 's local , even better ! I do make my own deodorant and some of my cleaning supplies . I prefer going barefoot . But , that 's about it , Folks ! Friday night before my son 's graduation he and his girlfriend hosted a party ( which cost me almost $ 200 ) in their apartment . It was a loud , drunken party . At one point his girlfriend asked me if she could give my 14 year old a " shot . " I responded emphatically , " Absolutely NOT ! " She waited until I left the room , dumped a shot in his punch , put her hand on the bottom of his cup and directed it toward his mouth , and told him to drink it quickly before I came back . Just because you 're in a lovely townhouse in one of the richest counties in the country , overlooking the representations of the nation 's grandeur , surrounded by extremely well educated individuals , don 't assume anyone actually has any class . People are people . Some just dress better and have better vocabularies . At this raucous celebration there were three moms : A Catholic , a Protestant , and a Jew . We made jokes about ourselves , and we got along FAMOUSLY . Sometimes I 'm not sure we even knew what we were laughing at . We were just feeding off of each other 's laughter . Our jokes were probably quite inappropriate . We mocked our religions , ethnic backgrounds , and politics . We mocked each other 's , and that was funny , too . It was all very light hearted , as none of us took ourselves seriously . Ironically , however , my son had called me that in front of everyone earlier in the evening , and that , I guess , wasn 't offensive . His one friend let it be known to all that he liked me and would propose on the spot if he had a ring . My son joked that you can get a ring from Nomorerack for $ 10 . The young man exclaimed that he had two fives in his pocket , so he was set ! To that my son responded , " She 's such a Jew , she 'd probably rather have the $ 10 than the ring ! " Admittedly , I 'm not as quick as I used to be , but I don 't understand . The other moms and I referred to ourselves and each other , in a joking way , as the tags that society labels us with , thinking we were funny . When I merely continued that and stated how much I enjoyed one woman 's company , I was offensive . When the same tag was used to describe my fiscal awareness , along the lines of the old , pro ethnic cleansing German cartoons , that was socially acceptable . How so , young people ? How so ? As we prepared for the trip in advance I had made a trip notebook . I placed dividers in it and labeled them according to state . I researched activities and paid in advance for some tours . We were all set for the most memorable vacation ever ! We had been promised that if we could just get there , just buy the airline tickets , my son and his girlfriend would feed us , house us , and get us around . I ended up booking three motel rooms total AND getting a rental car for a week . Thankfully I 'd paid on those airline tickets some because this was another $ 900 on that credit card , and my limit is $ 2500 . That doesn 't include gas . The first day I nearly sat down and cried . The girlfriend had flat out refused to take us anywhere and had given us very little instruction , none really , on how to use the tram . As you well know , I 'm from a congestion , the side of a mountain . I 've never ridden a subway before in my life . We missed almost all of our tours we were so late everywhere , spending ungodly amounts of time lost in the subway corridors , trying desperately to figure out how to get somewhere , anywhere . At the end of the day , hungry , sunburned , and exhausted we wandered off the subway onto the platform at rush hour . Because I 'd been using the maps app to navigate , or try to , our way around the city , my phone was nearly dead . It began to rain gigantic drops onto the massive crowd of aggressive , busy , pushy , and apparently very important ( they all seem to think so anyway ) people and us . I didn 't know where we were . The youngest two children refused to walk any further and were sitting down on the sidewalk , fussing loudly . I used the last energy my phone had to call K , my son 's girlfriend . She refused to come get us and told me to call an Uber car . I told her my phone didn 't have enough battery left to figure out where I was and then use the Uber app to send for a car . She didn 't care . I used my 14 year old 's phone to call my son . He said , " K won 't come get me either . I 'm in a car . I don 't know what to tell you . " That 's when I just wanted to sit and cry . I was lost in a huge city without a phone , alone with three children , and no one to help us at all . I was afraid to go into the city again , but I knew I had to try . When I asked more questions of them in preparation for my next adventure , they said , " Figure it out ! " " Just read the boards and figure it out ! I had to ! " The difference in my mind was that they were single adults who had CHOSEN to move there and NEEDED to figure out this new way of life . I was INVITED there by them and had children to watch in those crowds while I tried to " figure it out , " and I 'll likely never go back . I don 't NEED to figure it out and waste all of our sight seeing time learning a skill I 'll never use again while my children cry , whine , sit in the middle of traffic , or try to run off . They didn 't exactly use the word " incapable , " but they certainly made me feel that is what they were thinking . He hadn 't acted that way in Georgia . He gave me a lovely card with BEAUTIFUL hand written sentiments . He hugged me publicly . He was sweet . But in DC I suddenly felt unwelcome . I have no idea what I did . No one will just communicate . There wasn 't even a precipitating event . The tension was just so thick you could cut it with a knife . The girlfriend would snap and make rude comments to me before retreating to her bedroom . My son dutifully followed her and then would come out and be rude to me . It was quite apparent he was following orders . As I mulled it over , trying so hard to figure out what I 'd done so I could fix it , I wondered if it was my parenting . My son had snapped at me in front of my 7 year old , and he and his girlfriend both regularly interfered when I tried to discipline my 7 year old . They let me know in no uncertain terms that they did not agree with my expectations . Yet , the girlfriend nearly seemed to delight , in my opinion , in being unfair to my 5 year old , who looks and acts just like me . I took that as verification that she definitely has a problem with ME . During one pleasant conversation the last night there , my son asked about specific tours we 'd taken that day . As I delighted in the moment with him and recounting the day , she interrupted , " You can 't expect a private tour of the Capital Building ! There are thousands of people that go through there a day ! " The hate exuded from her pores . I tried to nicely respond that I didn 't expect a personal tour . It just wasn 't my favorite because it was so rushed . She refused to let it go and insisted upon putting words in my mouth and snapping at me . My son opened up the discussion about seeing us off the next morning , and I was surprised . I had assumed we 'd once again be forced to ride the subway , this time with all of our luggage . But , no , he WANTED to see us off . She agreed to it , though not enthusiastically . However , an hour before our plane was to take off , she began to take the exit to the subway station ! My son asked her where she was going , and she matter of factly stated , " West Falls Church . " He exclaimed , " They 'll never make it ! We discussed this last night . " I could tell she was ticked , so I chuckled and said , " Oh , she 's doing pretty good to be dressed and driving . She didn 't get coffee this morning ! " Everyone went along with that , and she made her way back onto the freeway just in time . We made it through security as Zone 3 was being called to board our plane . Fortunately we were seated in Zone 3 and , though we missed the call for it , we made it onto the plane . I marveled at how we definitely would have missed our plane if we 'd taken the subway and why she would have wanted to cause that to happen . It was evident she certainly didn 't want us stuck in her apartment one hour longer ! During the long hours in flight back I napped , took photos of the scenes below , played games and chatted with my 7 year old , and thought about the events of the last two weeks . I thought about the rejection I 'd experienced . And , I thought about the approval and acceptance I 'd experienced , in particular the approval of that young , educated , professional man whose Facebook profile picture is of him being interviewed on national TV . He wanted to know more about my opinions on religion and politics . He laughed at me . He was apparently , on some level , attracted to me as I stood there in my " mom " capris and a JC Penney T - shirt because he was adamant he wanted to marry me . And , I thought about the word he used to describe me ………… . 21 thoughts on " Her Children Arise Up and Call Her ……… . . " MeganC said : May 24 , 2014 at 11 : 40 am This broke my heart . And made me angry . You deserve so much more than that . I am sorry , my friend . anewfreelife said : May 24 , 2014 at 11 : 42 am Thank you , Sweetie . It 's okay . I had placed high expectations on this trip . Expensive lesson learned . My adult children are adults now , no longer children . It 's time to let them be adults , and it 's time for me to stop trying to please them . MeganC said : May 24 , 2014 at 11 : 46 am Well , that 's wisdom , right there . I learn so much from you . I just wish it hadn 't cost you so much . anewfreelife said : May 24 , 2014 at 12 : 05 pm You and me both ! LOL I 'm quite stressed over that ! It does seem to be a recurring theme in my life that I end up in debt and / or broke over either the expectations / demands of someone else or because they take what is rightfully mine . I think there is a lesson there , too . I absolutely must start looking after my own interests . I just must . I must learn to be clear and firm in my own expectations and in what I can and cannot do when it comes to my family . They will bleed me dry and then blame me for being dry . Thank you ! I 'm glad to share my mistakes . It makes it seem worthwhile then if someone else can be helped from my negative experiences . anewfreelife said : May 24 , 2014 at 12 : 09 pm Thank you so much ! Thank you ! For understanding , explaining , supporting , and hoping ! ! ! Your words once again have helped ground me ! accfighter said : May 24 , 2014 at 9 : 13 pm I don 't even have words for this right now . I 'm fuming . UGH . anewfreelife said : May 25 , 2014 at 1 : 56 pm As you well know , my adult children have very high expectations of me and very low ones of themselves and other family members , relationally speaking . There 's always an excuse for everyone else , and there is no reason good enough for me . I felt very strongly that every single thing that happened and every single person we met was God ordained . It was just a very strange sense of always being right where God wanted us to be in that moment . So , I think that , with everything else that has been made clear to me in the last three years , I needed to see ultimately my children do not have that natural affection for me that I had even for my horribly abusive and psychotic mother . I still always LONGED for a relationship with her . They obviously just don 't . And , I cannot do anything to change that . It was the last splinter to pull from my soul . I can 't earn my children 's love . Yesterday my other adult son called me several times within a few minutes , needing a ride from the other side of Applegate . When I told him I was in town and began to explain the errands I needed to run , the line went dead . He then didn 't answer the return calls . When I finally got a hold of him he said he didn 't need me because I would get there too late ; his sister was coming to get him . I texted twice that I love him , and he refused to respond . Then , they all ended up showing up at my house anyway . They were nice enough , but there 's just something off . Ya know ? However , he wants me to come clean his new rental next weekend . The oldest son isn 't answering my texts today about what to do with his stuff I 'm paying storage on . It 's just time for me to give up . I 've apologized and apologized . I can do no more . I NEVER got that from my parents , and they see them as saints . I can 't live in the shadow of their anger and bitterness . I have got to go on . Always hoping but moving forward in my own path nonetheless . caroline abbott said : May 25 , 2014 at 8 : 18 pm I wanted to smack your son too . Yikes ! Adult children are tricky aren 't they ? We see them as the little children we had such high hopes for , and when they don 't turn out that way it hurts . Especially when they are obnoxious to US ! In this case , though it is hard , I 'd say it is a blessing he lives far away from you , and you don 't need to see him often . Perhaps if / when he has kids of his own , he will realize how hard it is to be a parent , and begin to appreciate you … . and perhaps not , sadly . Maybe the best thing you can do is love ( and pray for him ) from afar , and let him grow up , if he will . So sad you had to experience this . Bless you . anewfreelife said : May 25 , 2014 at 11 : 50 pm It is SOOO hard ! I never know where I stand and feel like I can 't get comfortable in our relationships . One time I 'm " awesome " and the next time I 'm like I was perceived on this recent trip . The Mother 's Day card my oldest son gave me was overflowing with appreciation and warmth , the preprinted words and his own added . He expressed genuine understanding and gratitude . I really , really feel that his spoiled , entitled girlfriend was behind so much of the poor treatment we received in DC . As I prayed this morning about it all I tried to bear in mind that I treated him poorly as a child when I was trying to protect my abusive marriage or please my abuser or whatever that all was , and I really feel that his gf is controlling and demanding in unhealthy ways . I 'm praying for him to get away from her and for her to grow up . But , it is just devastating that we flew all the way out there to be treated like that . I pray for him to be released from whatever soul bondage he is experiencing and to return to himself . Even if she had good reason to hate me , we were only in DC a week . She could have been decent for that short of a period of time . I would have loved it if he had defended me instead of " siding " with her in that behavior . I just wish the memories had been better . I 'm so very , very hurt by it all . Ironically , my other adult son called me today and we had a very long and good talk . He isn 't aware of what all went on , but he commented in regard to something else that he doesn 't think my oldest son is happy . He can 't be ! She 'd stomp off to her room , and he 'd follow like a dutiful puppy and then come out to be cruel to his own family . And , all the while , she 's saying that he stinks and has a " funny boy smell . " I definitely felt that he " had " to show disdain for me , or there 'd have been hell to pay . And , she was very definitely talking bad about us . We heard her hurried and harsh but hushed voice coming from behind the closed door . It ' Reply My three adult daughters and two son - in - laws treat me rudely , too . After over 30 years of " marriage on paper " ; the emotional and some physical abuse has affected my health . My husband has actually condoned and joined in the ridicule by my children . I now realize that I must move on - I am exhausted of being criticized for being a legalistic Christian and that I drink too much tea ! ( I also do my own baking , etc … LOL … am I a hippie ? ? ) My daughters have criticized my eating and drinking tea habits for years alluding that this is what has caused my stomach and esophageal reflux problems . Countless doctors and counselors say , " NO , it 's the stress . " anewfreelife said : May 26 , 2014 at 7 : 37 pm I 'm so very sorry ! Yes , yes , I will definitely be praying for you . I feel for you . I know just how hard it is to find work as an older , displaced worker . I created my own job but don 't plan on staying in this station for long and am returning to school part time in the fall . Please keep me posted and let me know how you 're doing as you move along to freedom and peace ! ( And , enjoyment of your tea without ridicule ! ) caroline abbott said : May 26 , 2014 at 7 : 28 pm Yes , it could very well be he is responding that way because of the abuse he suffered as a child . Hopefully he will realize this before he marries this woman . It is so hard to be the mom of kids who have been abused , no matter what their age . Hang in there ! anewfreelife said : May 26 , 2014 at 7 : 38 pm Oh , the guilt is overwhelming ! That is my prayer … . . that he comes to that realization sooner rather than later . Thank you ! Still Scared ( but getting angry ) said : May 28 , 2014 at 5 : 45 am Oh sweetie , I want to cry ! ! I wish I could have carried your burden when you were here ! ! REally tough . jen said : July 1 , 2014 at 7 : 33 pm I think he still sees you as a victim and that is why he treats you that way . The girlfriend sounds awful . How did you get stuck paying for their party ? I hope you busted the girlfriend on giving your 14 year old booze . As a child he saw you treated badly and I bet saw you work harder to make the abuser happy . He has seen all his life that the worse you are treated the more you seek to gain approval and make the other person happy . All of your older children need to see that you are no longer a victim , no longer a wounded puppy desperate for love . Even if it isn 't true , even if you crave their love and kind words with every fiber of your being stop chasing them . When your son needing a ride hung up on you a single text " did you hang up on me ? " would have been a bit of a power play one you might want to consider using in the future . It 's funny when people stop thinking that you need them to like you they become nicer , they respect you more . I hope I have not over stepped with what I said . My abuse was different and I am more years out of it than you are , I have realized things in the last few years that I really wish I would have known decades ago . Stay strong and keep moving forward . Prayers and love for you . anewfreelife said : July 1 , 2014 at 7 : 46 pm Yes , you hit that one dead on . I know for a fact that the girlfriend still sees me as a victim . I didn 't bust her on the booze because I didn 't find out until we were driving through our home state nearly a week later . I didn 't want to call her and do it over the phone . I 'm lying in wait until Christmas , and then she is going to get a big piece of my mind face to face . I got thank you cards from my son and his girlfriend . Hers was short and didn 't even mention what I 'd done and purchased . It was just a quick thank you for coming to the graduation and then talked about being glad she got to share in our adventure ( the trip ) . My son , however , wrote a BEAUTIFUL note thanking me for each thing I 'd done for him and also thanking me for protecting him from my ex , my mother , and the state and for educating him . He then gave me the credit for him being where he is and handed his graduate degree accomplishment over to me . His sweet heart is still there . Unfortunately , the girl wields a tremendous amount of power over him . There 's always something for a mother to pray about … . . even when they 're grown ! LOL Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Lady Myuu4th December 2005 , 1 : 15 AMI am wanting to know how I did on this before I continue it . This is only five chapters long but each chapter are pretty long . I want bluntess on the plot so far , I want to know how believible it is and what needs worked on ( other then my grammer but you can point that out if you like ) I have a beta ' er for this who hasn 't had the chance to beta yet and I would like two beta ' ers if I could . Now many expect to hear that she was a special girl , pretty and brave and was the best in her class . She could befriend any creature with a sweet whisper . But this is not so , for this girl was very common and ordinary . A farm girl she was , she lived on a small farm with her older brother and parents . She was good and did her chores and always did her best in school though it wasn 't always enough . But when she was of fourteen a terrible tragedy accrued , her father became ill with a terrible sickness that had been sweeping the sweet land of Johto . It soon took his life and with that the supporting key to the small farm . The girl 's mother was devastated and was never very strong to begin with . But then another tragedy hit , the same sickness that had taken her father was now taking her mother . The poor woman was bed ridden and could barely speak . The doctor could do little but dull the pain as best he could . The brunet haired young woman , now age of sixteen and a half grumbled to herself as she glanced about the dark woods , it was as if it was night in the ilex forest , the trees so thick together that they blocked out any light . Though most of the trees were pine those that were not had golden or red leaves . None had really fallen yet and if they had it would make little difference as the tree were so thick and branches so many that still the sun would find it a maze to get through . The girl 's green eyes darted around her , her hair had been pulled back into a braid to keep it out of her face . Her clothing was a simple white blouse with a loose green travel skirt . It easily got caught on branches . " Fluff , this was stupid . " Hannah sighed as she looked down at the Mareep , as it was one of the few pokemon that was domesticated enough to travel with . As in the old fashion world of pokemon , it was not so easy to just capture a wild beast but it took time , breeding and training of a different kind . Most pokemon were kept as protection and pets and most that have been breed to be this way instead of those in the wild . Hannah after spinning in a circle with her finger pointed out scooped up her bag and untangled the leash around her . Now that she had used her ' map ' to find the right path she headed down the little dirt trail ignoring the sinking feeling she was just going to get more lost . If that was possible that is . Hannah slowed her walk , her eyes falling onto something in her path , it looked like a small house at first but a second glance told her it wasn 't , it was built up off the ground a little with beautifully sanded wood . It had a small shingled roof that made into a slope on both sides . Only three walls as the fourth was missing so that anyone may see inside , it held a small platform within which seemed to be there to put something on … Stopping for a second the girl stared at it for a bit before looking down at the worried looking Fluff . The sheep pokemon baahed in fear and tugged on his leash but Hannah ignored it . Looking over at the unknown shrine again something glittered brightly from inside , seemed a small stream of sunlight had broken through the trees and now was aimed just right to hit whatever was inside the strange little building . A strange gold ball lay in a round engraving on the platform ; she had never seen the likes of anything like this before . She noticed two letters on the ball , GS . She blinked and tilted her head a little her eyes staring at her strange find . She had never seen a pokeball , in fact they were not really invented yet , yes there were some strange ways to obtain while pokemon but not in anyway a farm girl could afford or really know of . Hannah shook her head a little to get rid of the ' ooh ' feeling she had before glancing about to make sure no one was watching her other then Fluff . Not that anyone else was in the woods or so she thought . Slowly she reached up and touched the cold metal of the ball . It chilled her fingers a little and she now attempted to grip it , to see if she could remove it . Hannah let out a loud eek as she backed away from the shrine and held Fluff 's leash close to her the sheep pokemon now going berserk and trying to escape into the foliage . The woman looked around trying to spot where the voice came from , she didn 't understand why she was so frightened … but she was . She wasn 't expecting anyone to speak to her in the middle of the dark ilex woods . It was unknown territory mostly , few really venture through it . Stepping around the shrine was a man . He had been leaning behind it the whole time and heard Hannah even speak to her pokemon . He looked around the age Hannah 's brother would be , eighteen , but looked nothing like her brother . His hazel eyes watched Hannah like a farrow 's deadly glare , the eyes held mostly grin with a twinge of yellow . His hair was the color of a burning fire and was thick covering his ears and sometimes fell over his eyes . He wore the basic trapper outfit , the animal hide outfit which was now a tan color , it went to a little ways above his knees and he wore slacks underneath that . A belt around his waist with a dagger hooked to the side . Over his shoulder were a bow and a quiver full of arrows . Hannah hadn 't seen a bow and arrows before in a long time as most men just used rifles to hunt with . She stumbled back a few more steps now as he looked inside the shrine as if to check on it . " I 'm not afraid of robbers " she told simply as she crossed her arms , still keeping a hold of the leash while he bag remained at her side . The man looked at her now ; she could tell he was probably very experienced in these woods just by the look of him . Probably hadn 't had a bath in months . " Follow me " he turned " These are my woods and only I know the fastest way through " he smirked looking over his shoulder . " Unless … you don 't trust me ? " " Of course I don 't , I just met you " Hannah grumbled as she pointed down at her pokemon " But if you try anything … " Hannah sighed as she looked down at Fluff then back up towards the mysterious man who was vanishing from view . Then back down at Fluff , as the sheep seemed to be cranky and annoyed at how foolish his master was acting . She turned as if she was about to go down the dirt path and ignore the man 's warnings but instead scooped up her small bag and turned around back towards where he had gone off path . " Adam . Just … Adam " he introduced himself . " Ah , nice to meet you " Hannah mumbled now not really sure what else to say . She was beginning to feel awkward once more being around such a strange man . Adam mumbled something but she didn 't quite catch it . The two then fell silent other then Fluff bahing regularly every couple seconds , which was getting on Hannah 's nerves . And so the farm girl , the trapper and the Mareep journeyed deeper into the forest , the constantly night time likeness continued to cause Hannah to stumble and for her to get caught in the bushes or branches along the way . Her hair was a wreck she knew that and she probably had ticks in her hair . The time passed slowly with little conversation between her and Adam and for some reason Hannah found it nerving that he was so silent . She decided to try and break it . " So … how long will it take to get the goldenrod ? " she asked calmly as she made sure to try and walk exactly like Adam as he seemed to not be having any trouble with branches and twigs . " I got in here around noon … a few hours maybe … " she mumbled . She trained her eyes on Adam now as he continued looking up into the tree tops . Slowly his strange hazel eyes looked back at Hannah and she could see a slight of worry in them . " We will not make it before sundown I believe " he said quickly and yet loudly causing Hannah to gasp a little . It was dark in here during the day ; it must be pitch black at night . Adam sighed as he turned away in thought once more . " Couldn 't we … travel at night ? " Hannah asked carefully , as if she may upset the strange man . He didn 't respond right away before slowly turned his face back towards hers . " You have heard the rumors but yet still wish to travel these woods at night ? With the beast about that would be suicide . Have you not heard of the bodies that litter the edge of the forest ? Men woman and children alike ? " he asked her now , looking concerned and yet almost angry . His red eyebrows wrinkled and close together made him look like a sort of hoothoot . Hannah looked as if she wanted to gag , seemed her mind was equipped with an over active imagination and it wasn 't being very helpful with the images of the slaughtered . She scratched her neck awkwardly at Adam 's words and felt as if she was being stared right through by those uneasy eyes . She was beginning to think following him was a big mistake . " A - are you even sure … this creature … is really even a creature ? Couldn 't it just be … some mad man ? " she asked not sure if that would make the situation better or worse . But for some reason the idea of a beast , something that was probably faster and swifter then her or Adam in the woods sounded worse then some crazy man who lost his mind . " No man could do what it does . No … nothing could do what it does " Adam closed his eyes and clinched his fists " Only I know the woods enough that I can pass through and live in them with ease . The beast respects my home and I respect his . He isn 't a stupid beast … just hungry . " " You let him get away with killing people ? " Hannah gasped stepping back in alarm . " Hasn 't anyone tried to stop it ? " If I could stop it I would . But I can not and I will not try . People have never showed me any kindness and I will not share any with them … well . The people of goldenrod have not . " He tried to give a comforting smile " If you remain with me you will be fine tell I can get you through to goldenrod in the morning … but be aware that once there I wont be able to protect you " Hannah felt as if she had been threatened , but she shrugged it off and for some reason felt she could trust that he was not going to go off and feed her to the beast . She could almost since that he too feared the beast and was not about to help its thirst for flesh . " But you didn 't answer my second question " she peeped up now and Adam raised an eyebrow at her . " Hasn 't anyone tried to stop it ? " she asked now her hands behind her back and Fluff seeming to think that the leaf he had gotten off a bush was the greatest find in the world . Adam sighed as he turned around " Let 's walk as we speak " he suggested as he continued the unmarked trail . Hannah took step behind him and once again had to begin to drag Fluff as he was still busy devouring a bush . After a few steps Adam began to speak once more . " Many men have come to kill the beast , asking for my help in finding it . Sometimes they try to pay me , other times they try to force me . In the end I just point them where they may find it and go on with my business . If they force me … well it never works in there favor . " He sighed now his hands crossed . " Some come back alive with out any sign of the beast ; others don 't come back at all . Its either you don 't find it and live or find it and die . Sometimes they threaten to burn the forest down . But it 's protected , you saw the temple right ? " he asked now changing the subject somewhat . Hannah narrowed her eyes and nodded her head before realizing he could not see her head and answered him . " Yes , it was to ' a forest protector ' " she replied simply not really sure what else to say . Before realizing she had no idea where they were going , they were not going to goldenrod now if they could not make it there before sunset … " Where are we going ? " she asked now . " Let me finish first before another question , girl . There is more to this then you think " he snapped out growing a little frustrated . Seemed he had a shorter temper then Hannah had thought . " Now the forest protector does not let his forest burn unjustly . Sure forest fires are natural and healthy but … destroying this whole forest would be disastrous . " " You sure know a lot of the beast and the forest protector for being a simple trapper " Hannah commented now growing a tad suspicious of Adam . He just seemed wiser then his age to her . I have been here a long time , Hannah Smith . I know things my father has taught me and I know things my mother taught me . I learned from life that nature and things beyond it are not to be messed with . " He glanced over his shoulder at her and Hannah knew it was time to change subjects . " … well where are we - " " To my home , I live in the center of the forest . I have boundaries set up that the beast knows to stay away from . He knows I keep the forest safe and so he allows me to stay . You will be safe there . " Pausing as a cold draft blew through the trees he sighed " I smell a frost coming " So once again the two fell silent , the walking continued for what felt like forever to Hannah and though it was all ready dark she could tell it was getting darker in the forest . She tugged Fluff along as the sheep began to whine once more about the situation he was in and how he was going to die . Of course Hannah couldn 't understand a word of the rather over emotional sheep . Hannah paused for a second before getting back in step behind Adam , she had saw some light coming through the trees ahead and was amaze at any sun light making it through the trees at all . Adam was still silent as he headed for the light that twinkled through the forest and gave off a beautiful mystical look . The forest remained the same width though as they neared the burst of light and Hannah realized the forest didn 't thin out , it just stopped . Entering out into the open she saw that it was like a bald spot on a man 's head . A round circle where no trees grew , it was rounded and could probably fit a small house in the opening from the forest . Grass grew freely here and only little dirt patches here and there . Hannah noticed a small hut ; she probably couldn 't eve stand up inside of it . It was made from small logs from the forest and had a sloppy job of a shingled roof . No windows and no door , just a blanket hanging over the entrance . A small pipe came out from the roof showing that there must be a sort of kettle inside to burn a very , very small fire . The last thing that was a part of this odd place was that in front of the hut was a small circle of stones ; it was charred inside showing a fire was often burnt there . A stack of firewood was beside the hut on the opposite side of where the cellar was . There were two logs that were beside the fire circle and then in the middle between those was a carved wooden stick that had been planted in the ground , it came up to about three feet before it had what looked like a perch for some animal . Hannah glanced around and gave a dry look " So … this is where you live … " she said slowly before looking up into the dimming blue sky . She sighed a little , it was good to seethe sky again , she couldn 't see the sun as it was out of sight and the thick trees hid it from her view . She couldn 't really see anything at all unless she was higher up above the trees . But she did notice a few dark clouds here and there . " This is my home " Adam said simply as he went over and grabbed some logs from the fire stack and began about to setting a fire . " You may sit if you wish . And don 't look so uneasy . I am no lustful man ; I will cause you no harm . It has been while since I have had any kind guests . Don 't make me regret helping you . " As he said this Hannah had taken a seat on a log , she bent over and tied Fluff to the strange perch beside her and the sheep pokemon went about to eat the grass it could reach . Hannah placed her bag at her side and then straightened her skirt , running a hand over her hair she withhold a grown as she pulled out twigs and leaves and knew her braid was probably coming out . She reached over and opened her bag and began to search through the little belongings she brought with her , an extra traveling dress , a Sunday dress , some food and a very small bag of money and then she finally found her hairbrush and taking that out she closed her bag . She pulled the tie out of her braid and once undoing the hairstyle began to brush her brown locks . She didn 't notice that Adam watched this out of the corner oNow that the forest didn 't hide Fluff 's looks so much the Mareep was a soft yellow color in the thick wooly fur , the blue face and legs were a rich ocean blue while the black and yellow tail was just normal for a Mareep . Nothing was greatly special about him other then being one of the six sheep Hannah had owned and was the last she had for the others she was forced to sell . She stopped petting Fluff and carefully begins to work on her hair again starting to put it back into the braid it was in earlier . She sighed a little as Fluff had taken her not giving him attention as an insult to him he now moved away to the other side of the perch and lay himself down in the grass . Hannah trained her eyes now on where the fire was as it had just sprung to life before her . It burned the leaves quickly and then moved onto the logs in which were placed there to feed it . Adam was now setting up a pan and had filled it with some water , he placed it beside the fire close to it so that the water may warm but not turn to steam before he stood and walked towards the hut and opening the cellar he vanished from sight . " Well Hannah , this is unnerving . " She whispered to herself now as she glanced around more . She felt that Adam was watching her every move and if she made one mistake she would be sent on her way . He didn 't seem like a bad person … just misunderstood and a loner . She almost felt jealous of him . He didn 't have to rely on anyone or have anyone rely on him . No one could leave him or die or vanish or abandon or whatever else that has happened to her in the past . Hannah was a tad bitter at her brother and a tad lonely for her father and of course worried for her mother . She really was still a tad immature to be exploring the world at the age of sixteen after all . Age does not rely on maturity and maturity does not rely on age . Just then a loud squawking sound was heard . Hannah let out a loud yelp and fell backwards off the log and onto the ground behind her . She grumbled a little as she blew her bangs out of her face and slowly rolled over onto her knees . " What was that … " she head a small tweet now and so the girl glanced up and froze a second and now realized what the perch was for . Sitting upon it , wings folded neatly and twittering away was a flying raptor pokemon , its slender build and unique wing shape showed it was built to be fast and quick when capturing it 's pray . The head and back were covered in brown feathers while the chest and lower face were covered in an off white set of the same kind of feather . The wings were brown as well though the very tips of them held the off whiteness like the belly had . Around the eye was a black patch of feathers which directed the sunlight away from the eye when flying . Five feathers sprouted from the birds head ; they were all an off pink color and would fold up and down depending on the pokemon 's mood . The tail feathers were also this off pink color with a mixture off white color . " A pidgeotto ! " Hannah gasped as the bird pokemon let out a high pitch cry before lifting its wing and began to clean underneath it . Hannah stood slowly and eyed the bird pokemon ; she had never been so close to one . It was beautiful and looked so wild and graceful . She didn 't even realize she had cupped a hand over her mouth in astonishment . While her other hand cupped her mouth , Hannah reached out with her free one and slowly moved it towards the bird . Wanting to see if she could pet it , but as she drew near to a wing the Pidgeotto 's eye glitter and with lighting fast speed it took a deep bite out of Hannah 's finger . A second of silence followed before a loud screech came next as the farm girl jerked away and fell down once more now landing beside the startled Fluff . " Ow ! Ow ! Ow ! OOW ! " she screamed out as she stuck her bleeding finger into her mouth . She didn 't notice that the flying raptor pokemon gave her a ' serves you right ' look from the corner of its eye before returning to grooming its wing . Hannah continued to whine about the pained finger and Fluff joined her with his bahing . After a few more minutes she felt a hand grab her wrist which was the owner of the injured finger and jerked it out of her mouth . " Sorry , Arrow bites strangers " Adam told as he bent down in front of Hannah and now looked at the bleeding finger . It was a bad bite , just bloody . He grabbed the pitcher of water he had used to feel the pan with and poured it over the wound before getting up and going into the hut before returning . He took a piece of cloth and wrapped it around the injured finger . " Better ? " he asked and Hannah gave him a thankful smile . " Much . " She replied happily but it seemed Adam wasn 't paying attention anymore as he turned now and began to cut vegetables into what Hannah now guessed would be stew . The girl took her place on the log again and fell silent still a little upset at her injured finger . After a little bit and once the strew was cooking the trapper looked at her again . " You may sleep in the hut . I will remain outdoors . Once it is morning I will rise you and we can be on our way to goldenrod . " He offered some stew now as he spoke . Hannah just nodded before noticing the nipping could around her and looked back at Adam . " Thanks … " she said after taking the stew " But … it 's cold out here , you really going to sleep out here ? You said so yourself that there is a strange beast around … I don 't think it would be fair of me to take your bed . " Adam sighed a little and did not pour any stew for himself but sat on the opposite log and tossed a few jerky bits to Arrow . " I have duties at night , I will not explain . But it is fine for you to sleep there and I will be fine . Don 't question my judgment , you 're the farm girl and I 'm the trapper " he grumbled out seeming to be annoyed at all her questions . " How did you know I was a farm girl ? " Hannah asked surprised , if she wasn 't sure she mentioned it but still it unnerved her . " You look like a farm girl , act like a farm girl . Smarter then one at least but yes you seem to be a farm girl in my book . Why are you going through these woods exactly ? " he asked as he pulled out his dagger and began to carve a piece of wood . " To find my stupid brother . " She grumbled " My Ma 's sick and she wants to see him again . He 's in goldenrod . " Adam glanced up now still peeling the wood " Oh ? And what is his name ? Perhaps I have met him when I went there for supplies awhile back . " Hannah took in a deep breath after she finished a bite of the rather untactful stew . " Grant . " She answered simply now more interested in filling her hungry belly . " Grant Smith ? " Adam asked now seeming to be more interested in the conversation . " One and the same … why ? " a beam of hope shot into Hannah 's eyes . " You know him ? " After a few seconds of thought Adam shook his head , he looked down back to his simple work . " Nay , it just sounded familiar at first . But no I know no Grant . " He replied . Hannah lowered her head in defeat and sipped some more of the stew , she had noticed though that Fluff and the pidgeotto known as Arrow seemed to be having a staring contest that was lasting far longer then expected . After what seemed like hours but was probably a few minutes and the sunlight almost gone . Adam stood and dumped what was left of the water onto the fire after removing the stew . He stamped on the ambers and threw some dirt on it before grabbing the stew and started heading for the cellar . At this the bird pokemon Arrow let out a screech and took to the darkened sky and vanished from view . Feeling lonely now Hannah stood and untied her pokemon from the perch and smiled down at the silly little unstable emotionally sheep . " Well , maybe we should go to bed ? " she offered Fluff , not wanting to leave him outside for scavenger pokemon to devour . As while he wasn 't really worth a hunt by great predators he was an easy living corpse to eat . " Sleep well Hannah " Adam calls from across the opening in the forest before a short wave and then he vanishes into the very dark woods . Hannah could now feel eyes watching her from all around as the pokemon nightlife really hit on . The sounds of the hoothoot grew louder with shrills of oddish and some bug types . Hannah wanted to call for Adam to come back but he had all ready gone … " Guess it 's just you and me , Fluff . Come on " she said taking her bag up into her other hand and began to head for the hut with the sheep pokemon behind her . She was just about to enter the hut when she felt a tug on the leash . Groaning at the thought of Fluff putting up a fight about getting into the hut she turned around with an evil glare ready to scold the Mareep . But Hannah froze at the sight in front of her , she dropped her bag to the ground and clutched to the leash tightly as she gasped in horror . Before her crouched a very large and very wild white feline . She was built like a cougar and had eyes of fire . A red pearl on her forehead and ears bent back as she let out a loud hiss through her deadly teeth . In these teeth held the frail and weak neck of Fluff who was bahing weakly in pain and eyes wide with horror . Blood twinkled down from his throat . Instinct kicked in and the sheep pokemon let off a very weak shock trying to get the Persian to release it from its deadly jaws . But the cat pokemon would not and clamped down harder until finally … a snap echoed about the forest and the sheep pokemon fell limp . " NO ! " Hannah cried , her farming girl instincts kicking in just as well as the mareep 's and she pulled on the leash of her dead pokemon . " He is MINE ! " she cried as she grabbed her bag and tried to fling it at the Persian . It seemed to only anger the white cat as he now stepped forward towards Hannah . She let out a loud eek and backed away from the large cat pokemon in fear . " Go away ! " she cried now . " Shoo ! Or I 'll throw something at you ! " This seemed to just make the cat angrier but it paused , one ear picking up and listening before its eyes narrowed and a twinge of fear came , as its tail had puffed up much like tamed meowth do when frightened and with its kill still in its mouth the Persian ran off quickly into the bush . Hannah let out whimper , she wasn 't sure just what happened but now … now she was truly alone . Taking her bag once more she crawled into the little hut . Her eyes stung with tears at the sight of seeing Fluff killed right before her and the young woman was feeling so lonely and lost as if everything she cared about was leaving her forever . She found the hut smaller then she thought , with a single hay bed in one corner and a small pillow with some kind of furred blanket . In the other corner was a pitcher of water with a cup and next to that was a small burning kettle . It burned some coil and gave little warmth really , a bucket of coil beside it . Hannah ignored this all as she just crawled onto the bed and collapsed onto it . Her eyes leaking tears now as the fatigue and emotionally draining day was starting to get to her . She pulled the furred blanket over her and even covered her head with it . " I want to go home . " She whispered before closing her eyes and before she knew it , she had falling into an uneasy sleep . As Hannah slept and dreamed of giant biting pidgeotto , zombie sheep and a red haired demon she felt someone poke her shoulder . She mumbled a little and rolled over a little facing the other way of where the poking was coming from . " Hannah . " A small whisper spoke . " Hannah " it spoke once more still poking . Hannah finally opened her eyes and pulled down the covers looking red eyed and sleepy . Hannah nodded . She didn 't understand where this was going at all . " Then you know that there is a pass from the forest to goldenrod … a pass between two mountains that … once snowed in can 't be gotten through until it melts ? " " … Well … were snowed in . . . were snowed into the forest . " Adam gulped now showing true sign of worry . Hannah decided to go back to sleep no wand pretend she was dreaming . End chapter . Dilasc4th December 2005 , 1 : 29 AMYou won 't bite ? Bummer . . . just kidding , seriously ! For real , it certainly is unique , that is for sure , but I 'd like to point out a few errors . The follow paragraph is just wrong . Try saying that aloud . Doesn 't sound very right , does it ? Instead of as , you could try ' After all ' or ' As such ' , but ' As ' by itself just causes this to be a rather incomplete sentence . I don 't see why its worthy of its own paragraph either . There are a few more . . . I 'll post them if you 'd like . Beyond the gramatical flaws , it seems like you 're on to something good here though . anyway . . . I edited and repaired what you pointed out and yes it does seem to fit alot better . Are there anymore lines that just don 't seem to flow well ? I would like to know what I may need to work on . I would also like to know if I should split this chapter up a tad . As it is exactly fourteen pages . I was wondering if I should just post the prologue first then split the first chapter into ' part one ' and ' part two ' and kinda make it two chapters in one . You know so that I can expand my updating time and give myself more time to write the other chapters ( which will be just as long ) I also want to know if this story is believible or at least if the characters are . Does it make sense ? did I set it up right ? If I continue it , does it give away to much of the plot all ready ? Does Hannah remain in character ? Is it ok that I killed off Fluff in the first chapter ? Is Adam believible even though he seems like a know it all ? I like this ! It 's got a nice , realistic world laced with the hints of the surreal . Fluff killed off in the first chapter ? Well , it 's believable , but I liked the little guy ! He just seemed so helpless . . . O _ O But the description of the Persian as a cougar was great . I could really imagine this heavy , powerful kitty squatting down , ready to pounce . Adam ? Yah , he 's believable . A bit like Robin Hood , if you ask me , what with the bow and arrows and such . . . but still alright . I 'm curious about the beast . At first I thought it was Celebi , but I 'd be very surprised if a little critter like that could slaughter people . Kill them , sure , but not butcher , which seemed to be implied . So great work and I 'll look forward to seeing how this turns out ! |
Yesterday was an OK day . Went to the Memorial Day service at the cemetery . It was short and sweet . I took a few pictures with the big camera , but nothing of note . I came back , read for a while and then went to an early dinner at the cafe . I had the fish basket - fish , fries and cole slaw . The cole slaw wasn 't very good . Way too much dressing on it . The fish was ok and the fries were ok . Not enough to bring any home for later . Their quality just isn 't consistent there . Gonna be a hot one today . Over 100 according to the forecast , so it will be interesting to see how hot it actually gets . It is always warmer or colder than predicted . Saturday is going to be nasty hot - over 114 degrees . Will be a good day to stay indoors . I guess today I will go to the post office . Hoping for another check . I also need to go to DG for a few things and want to go to Sal 's . I will take the car since it is multiple stops and I only have so much room to carry stuff on the scooter . I had a bad night sleeping last night . Was way too warm after the swamp cooler turned off . I had to get up and turn it back on . It was upper 70 's when I walked this morning at 5 AM . Not much of a breeze either . Today I need to cook the brussels sprouts , I may marinate them after , and I think I am going to try making some home made plain yogurt . I have a crock pot recipe that I am going to try . Looks easy enough and I have just enough store yogurt to make a starter . I use plain yogurt like it was sour cream . I ordered my bountiful basket for this week and added the salad pack . I will be eating a lot of salad next week . Posted by I 'm actually going to do something today . Lois and Rusty invited me to the Memorial Day service at the cemetery so I am going to that , and there is an early dinner at the cafe around the corner this afternoon . I am planning on going to that too . It has been over a week since I have spent any money , so I guess I can splurge . I didn 't do much of anything yesterday . I did baby my stomach as it was still upset . I had to eat of course , but I didn 't eat a whole lot . I am hungry this morning , so I guess things are getting back to normal . I wish I were one of those people that could get away with just not eating , but I 'm not . It was about 74 degrees when I walked this morning . Very nice . We hit 104 yesterday , briefly . We are supposed to be in the 114 vicinity in a few days . I turned the AC back up to 83 . 82 was comfortable , so I added one more degree . Save a few pennies . I ran the swamp cooler about an hour before bed time last night and again , I went right off to sleep . I just have to fill it up some time during the day to make sure it is ready for night . I wish it had six hours on the timer , but I guess four will have to do . I never hear it turn off . I ate one of the tomatoes that I grew . The outside was tough , but it was tasty . I have a couple more ripening now , then I will prune the plants and see if I can over - summer them . Maybe I can get some more tomatoes in the fall . Today I order some more veggies from the bountiful basket . I have to say , I did eat much better with that stuff in the house , and now I have my dehydrator too so I can process what I can 't eat . It only takes a few days in the Arizona desert to dehydrate anything . I 'll probably get the additional grill pack too . I still have a few things left from the last one , but it should pretty much be gone by Saturday . I downloaded a recipe for roasted zucchini and peppers yesterday and will make that tomorrow since I will be eating out this afternoon . I may also go to the picnic in the park at 6 tonight sponsored by the town . Might see if Keith is available . He owes me a ride in his convertible . Just had a tarantula hawk buzzing around the yard , but wasn 't quick enough to get a picture of it . It is this giant flying bug that has a nasty sting that is off the pain scale . It won 't sting you unless you force it to . It lays eggs in live tarantulas . Not too many of those around here so we don 't see the bugs all that often . https : / / en . wikipedia . org / wiki / Tarantula _ hawk I 'm bored . Nothing to do and no one to do it with . The story of my life . Thought I had left that behind , but I guess not . I don 't ever remember feeling this way when I had Jake in my life , but I do remember many times before and after . Most of the time I am successful in keeping myself busy . But I am getting tired of reading all the time and not seeing any other humans . It has been days and days since I have seen anyone else other than a quick hello while out walking at 5 AM . The rest of the time I have puttered and read . Add to that my limited and expensive internet . I can 't spend a lot of time online or watch anything , being stuck indoors due to the fact that it is summer in the Sonoran Desert , the place is deserted , and nothing going on anywhere around here and the lack of friends . And zero income , so I can 't do anything that will cost money . I 'm basically feeling dissatisfied and cranky . At least my Kindle books are free . I spend most of my time reading because I just can 't seem to get myself motivated to create anything . Jewelry , painting , whatever . I 'm envious of the couples that got to spend 30 or more years together - that are getting to grow old together . Jake and I had a good thing and were just gearing up to start another phase in our lives when he died . We only had ten years , we were just getting started . It makes me wonder what I did to deserve being alone most of my life . I am not a bad person and Jake and I had a great relationship . He was my best friend and I was his . I haven 't used this camera in a long time . This came out surprisingly well considering . It didn 't snap in low light , I will have to change that setting for the next time as we miss most of the actual opening at night . I may also give it an umbrella to block some of the sunshine . I didn 't do a whole lot yesterday . I did have to turn on the AC as we hit 101 degrees and it is going to get steadily warmer now . I read my requisite two books and didn 't do a whole lot else . I did hop in the cool tub a couple of times , and I couldn 't get to sleep last night so I went out and hopped in again . It worked . I went right off to sleep once I went back in . Cooled me down enough . The time lapse camera and the cactus blossom . I still have it taking pics and will let it go a while longer . I don 't think there was enough light to actually get the blossom opening , but I won 't know for sure until later . The cactus are night bloomers . Next time I will have to setup some light . I got myself showered and dressed and went off to the post office on the scooter . It didn 't take much longer than it would have with the car . The scooter goes a hair slower than the speed limit . It was a nice day for a ride too . With it 's current charge I could probably take at least another trip to the post office , if not two . Nice to know . A little excitement this morning . The neighbors dog was going nuts , and when I looked , there was a coyote just on the other side of my fence . Of course I didn 't have my big camera , but I did have my phone so I did get a picture , just not as good as I would have liked . I actually missed the best shot right out front because I hit the wrong button on the phone . Go figure . Today I am going to set up my time lapse camera and try to get the cactus blossom opening . I haven 't used the camera in ages and need to read the instructions . I also put new batteries in it . Hopefully I will get it . I didn 't walk this morning because I missed the walking window between daylight and sunrise . TV was so bad last night I crashed early and then of course was up in the wee hours . By the time I got up the second time , it was too late . I 'm probably going to go to CA to see Georgia in the next couple of weeks . Jojoba Hills near Temecula . That is about a half day 's drive from here and is supposed to be quite a bit cooler . She makes silver jewelry . Will be nice to get out and do something and see something new . I don 't have anything on the agenda for today . I have already started up the tank filter as it is already warm here and I will be using it . I had a hard time cooling down the house last night too . Only managed to get it down to about 76 degrees . I probably could have gotten it cooler if I used the window over the desk , but with the curtain there , it almost isn 't worth the trouble . But I guess I will set that fan back up since it is getting harder to cool the house down . The big fan in front of the sliding door just isn 't working . Can 't get the fan close enough to the door to suck in the cooler air . Well , the big fan works on the solar , but not happily . Just not enough juice and too much extension cord and power loss . Oh well , it was worth a try . At least I know if there is a power outage I can run it if I need to . The scooter was fully charged and I am sure I will find something else I can run off the solar . So much energy just waiting to be used . I got my shower , the water has been fixed , and off I went on a fully charged scooter to Sal 's . I got a sheer curtain to make a cover for the food dehydrator , a pillow sham to make a seat cover for the scooter , a couple of tops and a small mexican style dish . I made the cover for the food dryer and got that hung outdoors . Should keep the bugs away . Hopefully . I also put a drawstring on the pillow sham and covered the scooter 's vinyl seat . Arizona and black vinyl … do I need to say more ? Not crazy about the green on the blue so I will keep my eyes open for something a little more suitable . It didn 't take long to do . I want to change the crate on the back of the scooter . I have a rectangular black one that came from the trailer that I would like to use . Will need to figure out how to support it tho . I have two tomatoes that are getting ripe . Once they have ripened , I am going to prune the plant and try to keep it alive during the summer . I would like to have more tomatoes in the fall . It will be too hot for it to produce during the summer . It is putting out blossoms , but no new fruit now . Saw several cactus blooming this morning . One is just on the other side of my fence , the other is the next street over . My cactus has another bud that will bloom in a few days . I don 't have much else to write about this morning . Not much on the agenda for today . I do need to deal with the bananas and some of the other stuff that was in the basket . They are too far gone for me to eat , I prefer mine with some green still on them . These didn 't have any green when I got them , and the stems were gone too , so the ends are all mushy . Gonna blend them up with some french vanilla creamer and make ice cream ( of sorts ) . I saw another coyote when I was on my way to Sal 's yesterday . He / she was just trotting up the road near the east wash . It ran when it saw me . Probably bunny hunting . That makes three in the last week . Before that I only saw one when I was camped out in the desert . No pictures . I will have to start carrying my little pocket camera . I could have used the phone , but the picture wouldn 't have been any good , it was too far away to get any details . Keith is currently traveling up the Pacific Coast Highway . I 'm envious . I should have gone with him . Oh well . I will make it there some day . His pictures are amazing . Well , I did get a few things done yesterday . The scooter WILL charge via solar from the trailer . Yay ! Now I need to see if I can run my big fan indoors on solar . That would save a few pennies . I may even consider setting up a couple of solar panels on the house with a couple of batteries when I get some money again . It isn 't like the northeast where the sun is iffy . Here it is the rain and clouds that are iffy . I didn 't get a complete charge on the scooter since I didn 't really start early enough , but it should be darned close to being full . I will take it out later and see what it reads while it is in use . I am planning on going to Sal 's on the scooter . I can go the back way and avoid the majority of the road construction . I went ahead and made the air food dryer out of the screens I had bought when I still had Kali Cat . I had used them in the sliding door above her door to keep the buggies out and they have been sitting in the shed since she has been gone , over a year , and I hadn 't found a use for them , so this is perfect . Right now I have it hanging in the living room , but I want to buy a sheer curtain to make an insect cover and then I will hang it outdoors . I will have to find a new spot for my bar harbor bell . It doesn 't ring where it is anyway . The dryer just completed and then with its first batch of veggies to dry . A whole bunch of celery . The rest I cut and cleaned and put back in the fridge . I am now down to one bunch instead of three . I chopped up the old celery , a pepper , a small zucchini and the last of my store bought baby bella shrooms and half a white onion and cooked them in the crock pot . I did end up making a cream of celery soup using my stick blender . It was ok . Cream of celery isn 't one of my absolute favorites , but it was a healthy meal although I did have two biscuits with butter with my soup . I did pretty good on the whole eating thing yesterday , my snacks were fresh fruit and I didn 't snack in the morning . I find I need to eat about every three hours , and I have cravings in between . That is the diabetes talking and I have to force myself to resist it . I had the same issue when I was first diagnosed . I just have to healthy eat my way out of that . Eventually , the cravings will stop . I did not spend any money yesterday . I did have to stop myself from some online shopping a couple of times and not to look at something interesting on FB . I figure the less I know , the less I will want it . So I think I am up to four days without spending anything . Today I hope I get my shopping fix at Sal 's where I am using change from a jar and it doesn 't count . ( My rules : ) I have been trying to come up with something that I can sell from home that will bring me some money . I have been tossing around custom Vermont Snowflake ornaments . A wooden ornament in the shape of a snowflake with an engraved cactus and Quartzsite 2016 on it . I wonder if I could sell those here ? Might be worth enquiring to see what it would cost me to have a small batch made . Hmmm … after a little bit of research , there is a water jet company in Bisbee that might be willing to work with me . Their stuff is metal and since I would be selling in AZ , the product should be made in AZ and metal would be a lot easier to drop in the mail , less likely to break and less expensive packaging . Gonna have to think on it . I need something unique that people would buy . Ornaments are always a decent seller . I have been for my walk this morning . I didn 't walk for three days and I could feel it . Yesterday was Sunday and I don 't walk on Sunday 's , and Saturday I had to go pick up the bountiful basket . Not sure why I didn 't walk on Friday , I may have overslept and missed the walking window . Anyway , I did the full walk this morning and had to push myself . Lost water pressure last night . Seems that one of the two wells has a defective controller . Seemed to be back a little while ago , but thought it was back last night and it went again . Good thing it is the off season since it affects the whole town . At least I have a trickle , a lot of people have nothing . Didn 't run the AC yesterday . I did get warm later in the day and took a quick dip in the tank . Supposed to be a little warmer today and then cooler again tomorrow . Makes for good sleeping . Wish the whole summer would be like this . That would be just ideal . The sun is almost up high enough to try plugging the fan into the solar . Would be nice if I could run that all day on sunshine . I have some foam pipe insulation that I will use in the window opening . Did the same thing yesterday when I ran the cord out the trailer window . And if the water pressure is back I will grab a shower . The elbow and knee still have issues . I don 't think they are going away any time soon . Although the knee is a little better . Posted by I have already eaten the blackberries and cut and had some of the cantaloup . I had to ask what kind of peppers those were and I have been told they are anaheim peppers . They have a slight bite to them but are not hot . So I have lots of veggies now , no excuse . I need to find something to do with all the celery . I already had some in the fridge . I guess maybe I will throw together a veggie soup in the crock pot . It 's only supposed to be in the 80 's and is quite breezy , so it is a good day for it . I resurrected the compost bin that Jake and I used in VT . I hate throwing that stuff out and the bunnies will eat some of it . They are pretty fussy tho . The whole watermelon I threw out yesterday is still there under the grapefruit tree . I figure if the critters don 't want it , the tree will get it . Stuff dries out pretty fast here . Glen and Diane just left . They stopped in to say goodbye . They might be back before fall as they think they may have sold their Oregon place . It is pretty freakin quiet here now . Not many people left , one or two stragglers and the half dozen or so full time residents . No one left to play with . I have been considering having a box installed from the trailer to the house with an indoor plug . Would be really nice if I could run my fan inside on solar power from outside . Maybe a few other things too . It is there and isn 't being used , and if I could save a few bucks even better . Or I could just run an extension cord . Would have to make sure any cracks or crevices were sealed so nothing could get in and I wouldn 't be loosing cooled air . I guess an extension cord would be the best way to start , I have those and it wouldn 't cost anything . It wasn 't hot hot yesterday , but I was getting warm near the end of the day so I took a dip in the cool tub while my pizza was in the oven . I have used it almost every day and some days several times . Depends on the temps . And the water is crystal clear now that I have the filter pump working . I keep it covered to keep the bugs and leaves and feathers out . I still have to sweep the patio pretty much every day . I don 't know where all the leaves come from . Next street over I guess since there are no real trees anywhere around me . And the birds are constantly dropping feathers . I should find something to do with them . Most of them are downy . Well , I guess it is time I got myself moving . There are several things I want to do like the cleaning , hooking up the scooter to the solar , etc . Oh , and my soup . Maybe a cream of celery soup would be nice . That would get rid of the oldest celery . Maybe I will dry some too . Hmmm … . I could make a dryer out of the two adjustable screens I have in the shed . OK , so I have another project . Now I will have to find a place to hang it too . Anyway , I got the leak fixed on the tank and have discovered that it is also leaking around the pump . I need to chase that down and fix that . It isn 't bad , but enough to keep the bricks wet and that isn 't a good thing here . I also tried the pump out on the solar power in the shed and it worked just fine . Yay ! I can run that every day and it won 't cost me a cent . I like that . Too bad I don 't have enough solar to run the AC . I might have enough to run the big fan tho , just run a cord from the trailer to the house . Worth a try . I put up another curtain on the patio . In the morning when I like to sit outside with my computer , the sun is right in my eyes . The new curtain blocks that . I modified the little solar panel for the fountain , it now has a heavy gauge wire on it 's back to make it easier to secure to things . Right now it is at the top of the wire cactus . I was having a hard time getting it to stay where I wanted it . My cactus garden last year and this year . Huge difference . I had a pair of lizards hanging around the yard yesterday . I got some pics with my big camera but haven 't downloaded them yet . The last time I saw them they were hanging out under the aloe plant in the cactus garden . And I had to spray for ants on the grow bench . They just pop up anywhere in an instant . They weren 't there when I watered in the morning . Still having issues with my elbow . I have stopped sleeping on my left side , but it hasn 't helped much . I have a similar problem with my left knee but thankfully it hasn 't affected my walking . Of course , every time I bang an elbow , it has to be my left one and that happens on a regular basis . Arthritis ? Monday I went to the market and got some veggies and a watermelon , then went to the post office to pick up my packages . I figured I might as well do my complete routine and hit DG and Sal 's . I picked up some pots and some soil at DG so I could plant the garlic and green onions that I bought and noticed that my sweet potato had a nice little start on it so I planted that too . I had bought three red pots . Good thing as I used all three . Picked up a few things at Sal 's on my way back . This is the lantern I got at Sal 's . I saw an idea online last week and it made me think of it , so when I saw it was still there , I grabbed it . Not sure what I am going to do with it yet , but will figure it out . My pot was at the post office waiting for me too . I knew it would look nice here . I just love the vivid colors . Just wish it had cost a little less . My grapefruit tree has a bug of some sort . It is looking pretty bad . I will have to figure it out or get rid of it . I 'm getting tired of dealing with it . It only seems to be the new growth . I guess it is time to trim it again . I 'm guessing it has leaf miners which means I will have to cut off all the new growth . I could treat it , but I don 't want my birds and bees to get into pesticides . Unfortunately , I had to go to Herbs this morning . I got the filter pump for the tank , but it wasn 't strong enough to lift the water and I needed to put the feed hose in the drain hole on the tank to let gravity help move the water . It has enough power to push the filtered water up and out , so it is actually working pretty well . There is a leak around the new fitting . I have already tried a couple of things to stop the leak , goop , some tape , but so far it hasn 't worked . My next attempt will be with rubber bands . It is just a drip , but I don 't want it dripping at all . I ordered my Bountiful Basket on Monday and I also ordered the grill pack that is supposed to have peppers and mushrooms and other good stuff . I will have more fruit and veggies than I know what to do with , but maybe it will jump start me into clean eating again . I put together my new standing commercial grade fan ( with no instructions , they weren 't included ) , but even tho it works , it is broken . I contacted the seller and they are sending a new motor for it . It moves more air than all the rest of my fans put together . I didn 't really need the AC yesterday with that fan going . When the new motor gets here it should also oscillate . Plus I 'm hoping the new motor doesn 't smell like oil . Hoping that is just from the damage to the housing . I 'm going to try not to use the AC until the temps hit 100 . It was in the 90 's yesterday and will be again today and I haven 't used the AC for a couple of days . The new fan makes a huge difference . I really would like to keep the electric usage down as much as possible . I am also going to try the filter pump for the tank on solar power . If it doesn 't pop the inverter , I should be good . Not much on the agenda for today . See if I can get the hose to the pump to stop leaking and try out the solar power . I already walked this morning . Didn 't want to , but I did - the whole walk . I 'm thinking I am going to need some new walking tunes soon . Getting tired of the old ones . I have already showered , dressed and walked . I showered before my walk this morning because I really needed to wash my hair and put on some clean clothes . I don 't know what I am going to do today . Yesterday I did the curtains for the patio . It took a while to do but I am pleased with it . The new drop cloths arrived just as I finished the book I was reading , perfect timing . I got that put up and then went and soaked in my tub . I had worked up quite a sweat working on the cables for the curtains . Up and down the ladder several times , and I had to move stuff around a few times too . I had another quick dip right before I went to bed . I need to deal with the garbage , so I will probably take the golf cart out for that . I have cardboard , so it is more than the scooter will handle . I have a real paper book that I started late yesterday , so I will probably finish that up . It is going to be hot the next few days . Planning on a fair amount of tub time . I had to replant the cactus babies I got three times . Not sure what is messing with them , but I fixed their wagon . . . They should be able to get established now . I would like to get some more rocks , but am not feeling that ambitious . Going to be too warm today . That is a winter project . Yesterday I got a fair amount accomplished . I got myself showered and dressed and off to town . I stopped at Herb 's first to get that out of the way . I got the clamps I needed for the curtain cables and the blocks to finish the partial wall . After that I went to the post office and other thrift shop . Spent $ 6 and got a couple of tops , a pair of kakhi shorts , and a little ceramic container . A couple of the tops I had to take the sparklies off . I like shirts with sparkles on them , but I won 't wear them . Lots of times tho the shirt itself is pretty kool so I will buy it and remove the beads or whatever is on it . After that I went to DG and picked up some stuff I needed . Got back and got everything unloaded and put away then proceeded to finish up the half wall . I 'm pretty happy with it . That is my gravity wall - gravity is what is holding it together . I had to buy four more cinder blocks and five toppers . I went with the red toppers to tie it in a little with the mexican brick on the patio and stairs . I did get the clamps for the curtain cables but didn 't bother putting them up . I have another drop cloth curtain on the way and I will just do it all at once since it requires a ladder . I think a plant or two would look nice on the shelf behind the fireplace , but maybe some mexican pottery of some sort would be better . We 'll see what Sal 's has tomorrow . I 'm sure I will find something . After that I read for a while and then removed the sparklies from the two shirts and did a load of laundry . I also fiddled with the fountain a bit . Tried bending some copper without it crimping , it was a partial success . Water goes through it . Now I have to get a little more ornamental and decorative . Right now it is just a curved piece of copper tubing . Nothing exciting . So all in all , a productive day for me . I even got the garbage and card board to the dumpsters before I headed to town . I hate to do it , but I guess I am going to have to bite the bullet . DG is looking for a manager and I am going to apply . I 'm not ready to go back to work , especially full time , but I will have to do it at some point in the near future . It is an opportunity I can 't pass up . The manager position isn 't open all that often . Then I could dump all that angst about Herbs and not have to deal with that again . Plus , I can 't live on what I earned at Herbs . Today 's chore will be to get the online application filled out and submitted . I basically have to retype my resume even tho I have already uploaded it . There is also an assistant manager position , I may apply to that as well . Worse comes to worse , I can always be a cashier . Sigh … beats waitressing tho . I promised myself years and years ago that I would never be a waitress and so far I have kept that promise . If I have to be a cashier I will wait to start working for a while yet . Enjoy my time off while I have it . It wasn 't hot enough to use the tub yesterday . Close , but not quite . Supposed to get progressively warmer this week into the 100 's so I 'm sure I will be using it very soon . I ordered a skimmer so I can keep it clean and picked up a cheap vinyl shower curtain to cover it with . I have been doing better with the whole eating thing . But I need to be even more diligent . I 'm working on it . All these restaurant breakfasts and lunches aren 't helping tho . I have been invited to another one on Thursday that I will go to . Same restaurant as this morning . But Thursday I think I will walk over for the exercise . It is basically just around the corner . Today I am being picked up . Last time I went there I rode my scooter . It is outside the park so I can 't take the golf cart . The Mountain Quail Cafe reopened yesterday so we are going to try that out for breakfast this morning . Saw this photo online yesterday . I absolutely love it and the feel of the spot . I 'm putting the pic up here so I can find it again . I may try to recreate it at some point . About the only thing I did yesterday was get the curtain up for the cool tub . I will have to do it over . I couldn 't get the cable tight enough since I didn 't have any cable clamps , but I have larger canvas drop cloths on the way and will wait until they get here to do it . I 'm pretty pleased with it tho . It will work just fine . I even have a PVC stick on it to open and close it . The back side will also have a canvas drop cloth curtain as it is right next to the neighbors back door . The side the tub is on has the shed blocking the view from the outside , so that doesn 't need a curtain . Plus it lets in the light . I rearranged the concrete blocks and have to get a few more plus some toppers to cover the holes . I think I am going to go up one more row on the back one so I will have a spot to put a few things . Maybe a plant or two or some interesting rocks . I did redo the ones where the holes are showing so they don 't show now . This pic is before I did that . It wasn 't warm enough yesterday to use the tub , only upper 70 's . Today is supposed to be about the same and warm up steadily to the 100 's by Wednesday or Thursday . I will definitely be using it by then . We did get a bit of rain yesterday . Not a measurable amount tho . Chance of a few showers today . It doesn 't rain very often and we don 't have cloudy days all that much either . When the storms come in off the coast , we usually just get the wind , the actual weather goes northeast . Today I am thinking of going to the other thrift shop . Sal 's is on their summer schedule and are only open Monday thru Wednesday . The other shop is open Thursday thru Saturday , and they both are only open until 1 . I need to get out of the house as I haven 't been out since I went to the post office on Monday . I may go to Herbs to get the stuff I need to finish up this project too . At some point I am going to have to get a few groceries . I used up the last of my mushrooms and peppers yesterday . Not much left in there . Although I would like to get some of the older stuff in the freezer used up . Not much in the way of meat in there , but there are some veggies , some blue cheese and some feta . I could start some sprouts too . I guess I need to reseed my little bench garden . It has been way too long and basically nothing has come up but a few little plants . Not sure why . The soil I got at Herbs was kind of moldy when I got it , so maybe that is what the problem is . It also has those little gnats in it . The eggshells have helped with that some , but it hasn 't completely gotten rid of them . I am going to try some cinnamon too . Can 't hurt . I have never had this much trouble gardening in the past . But then again , I haven 't lived in the arid desert in the past either . |
So , as I 'm sure I 've mentioned about a jillion times , Ethan has a seizure disorder . But what I don 't think I 've mentioned is that it 's not just any run - of - the - mill seizure disorder . It is the MOTHER of all seizure disorders . Because in this family , when we do something ? We go ALL THE WAY . Ethan has Lennox - Gastaut syndrome , or LGS . It is hard to pronounce and I never spell it right , which is fitting for a syndrome that no one can figure out how to treat . The first time we were told Ethan had LGS , we weren 't really affected . We knew he was prone to seizures , we knew he had been having seizures for about a year , and we knew his brain damage was permanant and widespread . Our first reactions were something along the lines of , " Yeah , so ? " We thought , give him some medicine , the seizures will go away . We 'll go back to our lives . Then , I started Googling . I only linked to one site above , but if you are in the mood to be depressed , do a little reading on the sites Google finds for Lennox - Gastaut syndrome . Heavy duty . When you see the words " severe " and " devastating " in a description of something your child has , something in you snaps . I was at work when I started this research , not such a good idea for a hypochondriac with a panic disorder and mild depression . I was a wreck for days . I kept picturing Ethan becoming a shell of a person , wracked by seizures , his constant good mood disappearing , losing what little skills he had gained . . . smiling , laughing , babbling . After a while , I snapped out of it . I looked at Ethan and didn 't see the hollow face I imagined would one day appear . He was alive , and happy , and full of love . Yes , he might have more trouble down the road , but for now , he was here and he was laughing and I was a fool for missing out on every moment of it . Ethan has dozens of seizures a day , which sounds a lot worse than it actually is . At least , we have learned to deal with it and things don 't really seem so bad . On good days , he has 15 or 20 visible , obvious seizures . On a bad day , he could have 50 , 60 , 70 or more . 2 The boys got haircuts yesterday - Jete included . My cousin DJ is a hairdresser , and even though she is on maternity leave , she was kind enough to make a housecall . ( Of course , I was babysitting her son DC , so she had to come by anyway . ) Jete and Ethan got their usual summer buzz - cuts . Ethan has thick hair like his father , and it grows fast . The shorter we cut it , the less often we have to bother him with the clippers . This was a bigger deal for CG . He only had one other haircut so far . Nothing major . . . just a little trim of the bangs and removal of the mullet that had begun creeping onto his collar . But this time , it was serious . It 's summer , and hot , and his hair had become a tangled mess . It had grown to mullet - length again . Plus , he loves to run his hands through it , regardless of whatever food or drink he is consuming at that moment . Jete was all for giving CG the buzz - cut treatment too . But I just couldn 't do it . He is only a year old ! I wanted him to have a baby haircut a little longer before graduating him to " big kid buzz - cut " . We compromised with a short haircut . Not quite buzzed , but not very long . Styled , but cropped . I could live with that . DJ went to work on his curls . When she was finished , he hopped out of my arms where I had been holding him . We took off the cape , and there he stood . I hardly recognized him . My baby was gone . There in his place stood . . . a . . . . . BOY . That 's right . CG is all grown up . What a transformation . It seems like he feels it too . Since yesterday , he has been acting differently . More daring . More adventurous . I can 't stand the stereotypes , but I have to say it . . . He has been acting like a " typical boy . " You might not have noticed , but I 'm a bit of a feminist . I hate traditional gender roles . Girls can be physical and boys can be gentle . Boys can be nurturing and girls can be mean . It all depends on the child . Everyone is different , and I can 't stand defining children or adults by an image of what genders are " supposed " to be like . When I was in high school , I worked nights with an offi0 Intial respiratory distress resolved but neurological prognosis remains guarded . - Ethan 's medical record , 8 days oldThings went slowly for a while . Each day we carried the fear that the bleeding in Ethan 's brain would get worse , and he would need to have a shunt put in . Fortunately , the CAT scan and MRI he had over the next few days showed that there were no new hemorrhages . Things were stable for now . When Ethan was 6 days old , we were finally allowed to hold him for the first time . He still had the nasal cannula , but most of the other tubes had been removed . The nurse helped us kangaroo him against our bare skin , a technique often used in the NICU . I took pictures of Jete holding Ethan on his chest . He was so tiny , he looked lost in Jete 's chest hair . But he slept peacefully . Further CAT scans the next few days showed the bleeding in his brain was starting to recede . Where it had previously been they could see signs of atrophy . The damage had begun . The doctors explained that the damage in Ethan 's brain was widespread . He had dozens of clots of all different sizes . I 'm no brain expert , but I knew different areas control different things . I wanted to know what parts were damaged . The walking part ? The talking part ? What would he be able to do and not do ? But it wasn 't that simple . So many parts were damaged , they had no idea what function was destroyed . Or more importantly , what functions remained . It was hard for us to look at this little baby - improving every day , eating well - with the realization that parts of his brain were dying . He looked like any other newborn in the NICU . Any other newborn I had seen , for that matter , minus all the tubes and wires . But the doctors continued to be grave when they spoke to us . It seemed like they were afraid to give any glimmer of hope . We would ask questions every day . " What will he be like ? Will he be okay ? " They answered , hesitantly . " We don 't know . We can 't promise anything . " It was frustrating , to say the least . My biggest fear was that he would be a " vegetable " . That he woul0 I know , I know . I just did the web equivalent of rearranging your living room for an entire afternoon , only to put all the furniture back EXACTLY where it started . I haven 't been satisfied . I like this template . Most of the time . But I still feel like there is a certain darkness to it . So I tried about 4 other templates . One reminded me of the company colors from that family - run business I worked for ( shudder ) . One was okay , but just too BLAH . Very dull and lifeless . Nothing else touched me . So here I am , back again . In the process I completely lost the customized changes I had made to my template for extra links and stuff . I have a backup in a text file ( yes , I am that geeky ) , but somehow when I thought I copied ALL , I really only copied HALF . For a little while , the garbled template was making my site completely blank . I 'll have to admit , I had a bit of a panic moment there . No need to fear , I have recreated it as I can best remember . An hour wasted messing around for nothing , but that 's okay . I had fun . Sort of . Not quite the exciting Friday nights of my youth , but I 'll take entertainment in any form these days . I 'll admit it . I love reading blogs . I read ones written by all sorts of people . I 'm a nosy , nosy girl and this is the most gossip I have ever been privy to . ( And yes , I like to use random words like " privy " from time to time . ) I read several blogs written by people struggling with infertility . ( Hi Cecily , Julie , and Tertia . ) I have not had to deal with infertility myself ( hence the two " surprises " sleeping in the other room ) , but I feel a certain bond with them . Going through a pregnancy riddled with complications and having a child with special needs makes you different . My body could not handle the fundamental process it was designed for - conceive , stay pregnant , and give birth to a healthy child . Rational or not , I live with an overwhelming feeling of failure most days and a bitterness that will stay with me for the rest of my life . One of these women is in the process of adopting a little girl from China . A lot of her entries lately are about the ridiculous things people say ( or , sometimes worse , don 't say ) regarding her upcoming adoption . I 'm interested because I know I am totally one of those stupid people . Her writing is very educational . A friend of mine was adopted . I know almost nothing about the details . She doesn 't talk about it much , which is totally her right . And really , I never ask . I wouldn 't know what to say or not say ; what is None of My Damn Business and what she 'd actually like to talk about . It 's easier to say nothing than to cause hurt feelings by saying something dumb . I am the master of putting my foot in my mouth , so sometimes , it 's just better if I keep it shut . Having a child with special needs , I know all about both stupid questions and the lack of any questions . I 'm not really sure which is worse . Right or wrong , most of the time , I try to avoid the topic completely . I walked out of work this afternoon and a woman from my department caught up with me . She had overheard me earlier today and asked if my son 's name was Ethan . She loved that name , and wished her pregnant sister would use it 1 comments Her prenatal course had been complicated with intermittent elevation of blood pressures although there were no findings strongly suggestive of pre - eclampsia . - My Discharge Summary ; Ethan 5 days oldMy remaining days as an inpatient passed in mostly a blur . To add to the excitement , I sprained my ankle my second night there ( for the third time ) . Jete had to push me around the rest of the days in a wheelchair since they were terrified I would fall again and sue the hospital . We spent as much time as possible visiting with Ethan . Since the family members were still pouring in , it was mainly a one - parent - at - a - time event . And since I was laid up with my sprained ankle , it was mostly Jete and the family members . I didn 't like having so much time to sit alone in my room and think . In the first few days , Ethan seemed to be improving . He had been on anti - convulsants since his first suspected seizures , just in case . But the nurse mentioned that she hadn 't seen any more seizures and they were weaning him off the medicines . The genetic testing had all come back negative . They were able to remove the tube from his throat since his breathing was much improved . He still needed a cannula on his nose , but it was definite progress . Once the tube was out , he was able to start having small amounts of breast milk , at first by a syringe , then later from bottles . He tolerated feedings very well . They were pleased to see he had an excellent suck and swallow pattern . They gave him the tiniest pacifier I had ever seen . We still weren 't able to hold him , and it really seemed to comfort him . Ethan had his repeat head ultrasound , and they also did an EEG to look for any more seizure activity . Unfortunately , it was the weekend , so we were told it would take a few days to get the results read and explained to us . The fifth day came faster than I had expected . Discharge day . My blood pressure had come under control after Ethan 's birth . I was healing well . There was no reason for them to keep me . Dr . F came in to see me for my discharge . He took out th0 In honor of E 's 30th birthday ( and , ahem , mine recently passed ) , I thought I 'd do a list of 30 highlights from my weekend in the big city . 1 . Getting lost is a good thing . Yes , I got lost on the way to E 's apartment . Yes , I ended up in a different town / city . But - I learned my way around like I never would have otherwise . And I had the pride of figuring it out myself , even if it did take an extra 45 minutes . It 's all good . 2 . E 's apartment is very nice . The third floor , with wonky stairs , and HOT , but very nice . Charming , even . 3 . 4 star hotels are super friendly . Our concierge was kind enough to change us from a one - bed room to two , and even made sure we weren 't afraid of heights before giving us a room on the 27th floor . And , he let us know we could probably talk to God from up there . Hee . 4 . 4 star hotels have AWESOME beds . So . Nice . I thought we should just ditch the rest of the weekend and take naps instead . They had cushy comforters and four pillows . I never wanted to leave . 5 . Crazy people enjoy Barnes and Noble . And like to shout out " Hi Asian lady ! ! " in a loud voice . But , no , Mr . Bookshopper , I don 't think she was having a stroke . I think she 's just crazy . It happens . 6 . E 's friends are great . I finally met most of the Boston crew , and they were nice and funny and fun . I guess her good taste in people has continued since high school . 7 . Kicky is my new favorite word . And E has a lot of kicky clothes . Her wardrobe Saturday night involved a kicky skirt and a kicky bag . Her hair , however , was not kicky but flippy . 8 . Never underestimate your friends . Sometimes , friends who are Always Late can show up on time ( ON TIME ! ) , and other friends who claim they are coming out will not even call . 9 . Togetherness is cozy . Yes , 6 people can jam into a booth built for 4 and have dinner . And , yes , 6 people can jam into a Jeep . It can be done . 10 . Don 't rely on the waiters to help you . Sometimes , you need to get up and get your own napkins . Or rearrange the meals that were given to the wrong people . Or clean up the margarita that h5 I have been so sad lately . I think I 'm mildly depressed . I can 't pinpoint why exactly . And then I get really mad at myself . I have no good reason to be sad ! The boys are doing well . They are healthy and happy . Ethan is slowly nearing the complete removal of his cast . CG is developing ahead of the curve . Jete is as great as ever . Work is fine . Our house is starting to come together . But I dwell way too much . I can 't stop thinking . All day long , my mind wanders and I start getting sad again . My sister is a teacher , and told me the other night about a mother from her school who died last week . It was sudden , a pulmonary embolism . She was 34 . She has 6 kids . The youngest is only two weeks old . I didn 't know this woman , or her kids . But I keep thinking about it . It breaks my heart . That baby will never know its mother . Those children needed her . Their lives will never be the same . Losing your mother is something you never truly get over . And then of course , the hypochondriac in me says " What about me ? If this woman was so seemingly healthy , what the hell keeps me alive ? " Now , in addition to the heart attack I 'm sure will strike any moment , I twinge at every muscle ache . I 'm sure it 's a blood clot traveling to my chest to kill me . I don 't want to think this way . I know better . But still I do it . Then the news gets me down too . Just this week I 've read stories like this . I started crying at my desk when I read it . I could picture her mother , frantically trying to stop her from running out into the road . And the girl , so eager , so desparate to help an animal . It seems like such a waste . Life just doesn 't make any sense sometimes . I need to get out of my funk . I know I need to exercise more - or at all . I will feel better if I do . When I move around , I 'm not as scared at how out - of - shape and near death I am . I just can 't seem to do it . Every time I want to work out , I can 't . And every time I can , I don 't want to . Something 's got to change . There is a weight on my chest . It 's purely emotional , that ache you get right before you sta1 comments Okay . I 'm sticking with the template . For now . Mainly because I don 't feel like recreating all my links and stuff . I 'm not loving the font color though . So it might change again . When I 'm not feeling so lazy . I am changing one thing - I 'm making the font size bigger on the entries . I 've been making them smaller because my stories are so long - winded . Somehow , I felt like I wasn 't the rambler I really am if the words were smaller . Honestly . Who am I kidding ? Anyway , I figure even if my writing isn 't always interesting , the least I can do is make it legible . Last change . For now . I can 't help it , I 'm . . . well , you know . [ Possible ] seizure activity . Has been loaded with Phenobarb . Obtain head ultrasound and CAT scan as permitted and will obtain pediatric neuro consult today . Overall baby is in satisfactory condition although critically ill . - Ethan 's medical record , 2 days oldThe next morning , we headed back to the NICU . The doctors were doing rounds . The hospital is a teaching facility , so students were going from station to station learning all about the babies and their conditions . When we arrived , we were given an official rundown of the rules of the NICU . Only two visitors at any time by Ethan 's bedside . We and our parents could visit at any time , but anyone else had to be accompanied by one parent . When passing by , we should never pause or look at the other babies . Never make eye contact with the families . The rules were all about privacy , respect . It was very clear that some of these babies were going home , and some were not . Some would spend a day for observation , some would be kept for months . We wondered which category Ethan would fall into . The doctors stopped to speak to us . For the first time , we were told that Ethan had to be rescusitated at birth . He was born with Apgars of 1 ( 1 min ) , 1 ( 2 min ) , and 4 ( 5 min ) . Very low . He had a faint heartbeat , but was not breathing or moving . The doctors had to perform full CPR to bring him around . It took 10 minutes to get him to a barely - passing score of 6 . The reason Ethan was so small was that his growth in the womb was stunted , causing Intra - Uterine Growth Restriction ( IUGR ) . His IUGR was symmetric , meaning his head growth had been stunted along with his body . Later , I learned that the most common version of IUGR is asymmetric . Normally , under stressful conditions , the body growth slows in order to spare the brain . The baby is born with a closer - to - normal head circumference and a smaller body . Ethan 's type meant his brain growth had slowed as well as his body . The nurse was not sure , but thought she might had seen Ethan have seizures during the night . Seizures in newborns are ve0 I 'm not sure how many of you there are out there . I check my visits , and I 'm shocked to see more hits than I 'd expected . From friends I know and strangers I don 't . In California . Canada . Denmark . I wonder how you got here . And more importantly , what brings you back . For any of you wondering . . . yes , I 'll get to the next part of Ethan 's saga . Soon . I 'm just having more trouble getting it into words as I get deeper into it . Partly , it 's because life is crazy right now . Every weekend for the next two months is booked . Weeknights are all about the boys . CG has decided not to nap anymore . Ethan has starts twice a week physical therapy today . Plus regular trips to Boston for follow - ups . Partly , it 's because I almost feel like I 'm reliving the experience as I write the words . And it hurts all over again . So I practice my favorite coping skill - avoidance . Procrastination always appears when I am stressed . ( Hey , don 't knock it . It got me through college with a 3 . 9 GPA . ) Mostly , it 's because so much happened so fast , I can 't even put it into words . And I can 't remember the sequence , just a blur of news and tests and emotions . But I want it to make sense . To me , and to anyone else who cares to read . One of my reasons for starting to write about this is so I don 't forget . I 've already lost so much to a poor memory , and I don 't want to lose any more . I 've been going back to his medical records , pictures we took , asking people what they remember . But with my long - windedness and just the sheer amount of STUFF that happened , it 's taking a little time . But I will finish . Eventually . In the meantime , I may intersperse heavy stories from Ethan 's NICU stay with my trip to visit E in Boston next weekend . Or details of cold - hearted doctors with something funny I heard at work . Because as much as it seemed like Ethan 's first few years were the end of the world , they weren 't . It was hard , and it hurt a lot . Some days , it still does . But it is almost 4 years later . And our lives are back in balance . We go to doctors ' appointments and birthday pa3 When my time in recovery was complete , I was moved to my room . This was not a cozy , homey room like the one I was originally brought to - this was the c - section ward . Standard hospital rooms , complete with roommate . Cramped , sterile , and cold . No privacy except for a thin curtain between the two beds that was missing half of the hooks anyway . Clearly the hospital felt us " surgical patients " didn 't need the comforts of the laboring mothers . Luckily , I only had a roommate for about 15 minutes . The girl was packing up while her baby waited in a carseat on the bed . She muttered to herself as she got her things together . The nurse pulled the curtain between our beds closed as far as it would go . I watched the baby playing quietly on the bed . After a few minutes , they were gone . It was getting later in the day and dinner had already been delivered and removed from my room . I wasn 't allowed to eat yet anyway . The nurse came in and showed me how to get out of bed . I couldn 't believe I was walking already , but the drugs were keeping me feeling fine . My first trip was to the bathroom to learn how to deal with the fun stuff that comes out of the body after the baby . ( Yes , for any of you wondering , c - section mothers have it too . Or maybe I was the only naive one out there . ) As the night wore on , I asked the nurses again when I could see the baby . Soon , they kept telling me . They were getting him stable . I could go down once we were both up to it . In the meantime , the nurse brought in a breast pump and showed me how to start using it . I had been wavering during my pregnancy about whether to breastfeed , which I knew deep down was best , or formula feed , as most of my friends and family did . But once I knew he was in the NICU , my decision was made . There was no doubt in my mind that this was the best I could do for him . I started pumping every 3 hours . Jete brought the little jars with the dropfuls of colostrum down to the nurses ' station refrigerator . We would bring them with us when we went to see him . Finally around 11 pm , I asked0 |
We decided to head out to Cahill 's Crossing , which is right on the border between NT and Arnhem Land , as there is a viewing platform to watch the crocs come into feed on barramundi , on the high tide at the crossing . However it was a neap tide for today and the next few days so only saw 2 crocs . We did see a couple of idiots fishing on the crossing , and yes they were catching barramundi but they 'd have been dead meat if one of the crocs had decided to come right onto the crossing . Wade asked if he could fish here a couple of times , always to be told " No - bloody - way " . There was a family next to us with a son about the same age as Wade who just kept asking to fish here for about 30mins straight , had to give the kid points for trying but he too was unsuccessful ! The Rock Art was beautiful and real Art ! It was interesting to read the explanations about the art and the artists . As we got there fairly late in the afternoon we had missed most of the Ranger talks for the day but we did get to listen to one on top of the rock , which was interesting as well . We walked around to see as much of the Art as we could before we climbed up the rock . We almost stood on a Golden Tree Snake on the track on the way to the rock walk . They are such a brilliant yellow and their heads are a blueish / grey colour - very striking ( no pun intended ! ) . We had seen a few at the Territory Wildlife Park so we knew they weren 't too deadly and they love Pandanas Palms , which are very plentiful in this area . Still we gave him / her a wide berth and continued on the path . We climbed up to the top and watched a beautiful sunset as well , bonus . There were a few burn - off fires around on the horizon which just added to the colourful hues in the sunset . What a beautiful and spiritual place this was ! It was still quite green and there was some water on the wetlands which the Aboriginal Guide told us was due to some unseasonal late rains . This guy was amazing , he was missing his right leg from a croc attack and he hiked up to the top of the rock with his crutches and made it look easy . We stayed until the colour had almost gone from the sky and thought we 'd best high - tail it down this great bit rock while there is a skerig of light left to see , so we didn 't end up with any broken limbs . Safely down we headed back to camp for a swim and a late dinner . Next day we travelled down to Twin Falls and Jim Jim Falls . It 's a lot of 4WDriving and there was a nice deep water crossing heading out to Twin Falls . You need to get a " boat pass " from either the Visitors Centre or the " Garnamarr Campground " . We spoke to the Ranger there ( after getting our boat tickets - adults only $ 12 . 50 ea , kids U16 free ) who told us to probably not bother with the top walk as it is best done very early in the morning or late in the arvo - and we were there right on lunchtime ! And " The temperature will be 10 degrees hotter up on top too " he said . Ok … , we decided to just do the gorge walk then . There is a day use area , with no camping , at Twin Falls and you can do a 6km return walk across the top to view the falls form the top or do the 2km through the gorge to the falls . It 's an easy walk to the boat ramp where you board a boat to take you up the gorge towards Twin Falls . Mick was the Ranger on " boat duty " and he chatted about the area and the history and the crocs as well . You cannot swim at Twin Falls , which such a shame as it was sooo hot there and the falls are so beautiful but they cannot guarantee no crocs , so therefore no swimming : ( . The Falls were very lovely and the walk there was mostly rocky , except for where they had built a floating jetty to access the actual falls . There are showers ( almost like a safety shower ) along the walks so you can douse yourselves with water to cool off . The falls are huge - in the photo you can just see Daniel walking over to the Falls in his red T - shirt ( the red speck on the left ) . It was a rough 4WD track into both the Jim Jim and Twin Falls area from the Garnamarr Campground . The 1km walk from the car park into the Jim Jim Falls was rocky as well but the plunge pool at the bottom of the falls was deep and cool ! There were lots of fish in the pool as well . It was lovely to cool off with a few swims here , have a bite to eat , and then head back to the car to head back to Jabiru . Next day we booked into to do a boat tour on the East Alligator River ; it was called the " Guluyambi boat cruise " . Our guide , Robert , was a lovely Aboriginal fellow who explained aspects of the local Aboriginal culture to us as we travelled up and down the river . He took us up to Cahill 's Crossing on the morning high tide and we saw heaps of crocs , some right where those idiots had been fishing on the crossing . Robert re - iterated that you 'd be an idiot to be fishing on the crossing but people still do and some get taken . Maybe it 's the Darwinian Theory at work , thinning out the population ! We also met Nigel and his wife Rosie on the boat , who are retired and have been travelling around our great country as well . Nigel works for AAT tours and he told us that one day they watched a croc move onto the crossing and we was as long as the crossing is wide . A car came down to the crossing , waited awhile but the croc didn 't want to move so the car moved forward a bit and the croc moved slowly off the crossing and as soon as the car was gone , the croc just floated and swam back to the same spot on the crossing , sitting with his mouth open waiting for the barra to come jumping past . Wade finally stopped asking if he could fish here ! Can 't imagine why ? Hee hee . Robert , our guide , is also an accomplished Artist and Nigel told us he was off to Sydney soon for a Gallery Exhibition . We stopped at a place along the river where we could get out and climb up onto a rock for a spectacular view of the river . This spot was on the Arnhem Land side of the river too . Robert had explained how the local people use the local Hibiscus tree for all sorts of things , especially the wood for spears , spear tips and woomeras . They have different names in his language but that is probably what most people would know them as . He also demonstrated how to use the woomera and just how far he could throw the spears - like right across the river to the other side . One just made it but the other ended up in the river , but this spear was made from bamboo so it floated and we picked it up on the way back . It was a thoroughly enjoyable trip and we 'd recommend it to anyone who wanted to do it . We returned to the caravan for a late lunch then off to the Marmukala ( Mar - moo - car - lar ) Wetlands . It 's supposed to be at its most " dramatic " now as thousands of magpie geese congregate to feed here , so all the brochures tell us anyway : ) . There is an observation platform ( more like an army sniper lookout rather than a platform ) where you can watch all the different birds on the wetlands . There is a colourful mural inside the viewing area that illustrates the seasonal changes that occur here as well . We did the 3km walk adjacent to the wetlands hoping to see lots of birds but it was pretty dry . We did get to see a lot of the magpie geese , white herons and ibis so Wade could cross a few more sightings off his bird list ! We 've found these amazing - looking dragon flies here too , they have double wings and either strips or very bright colours . We headed back to the caravan for a swim , a few coldies around the pool and some dinner . We 've seen a lot of the top part of Kakadu and we are definitely the KakaDO people . There 's still a fair bit we didn 't do including Yellow River , but we wanted to leave a few things to see next time around the block ! It 's beautiful and we can only imagine how glorious this would be in the wet season , or even early in the dry season . We will definitely come back here next year and make sure we are in the wet or early dry season . We stopped to get some fresh bread from the Bakery before heading down south towards the Mary River Roadhouse , which like most places we 've visited lately are being very PC and changing the names to Aboriginal names . The Mary River Roadhouse is still the name on the sign out the front so that 's what we 'll call it . The campground is out the back of the roadhouse and the sites are large , some with a bit of grass but mostly dirt . The toilet and showers were very clean and spacious and the staff very friendly and informative . We set up then headed off to explore Gunlom Falls and if we had time a couple of swimming holes . The lady who booked us in told Wade and I about a swimming hole that was only about 6 - 8kms down the road so we thought we 'd check it out on the way back . We saw more birds at the back of this Roadhouse than we saw in the Marmukala Wetlands - go figure ! The turn off to Gunlom Falls is about 11kms north of Mary River RH and the next 37kms or so are some of the worst gravel we have travelled on . The corrugations were horrendous ! It did remind us a bit of travelling on the Kalumbaru Rd when we were on the Gibb , but a bit worse in some sections . I had wanted to camp out at Gunlom but the road was too bad to be able to bring the caravan in . The campground is lovely with lots of sites and a great big amenities block that doesn 't look too old or shabby ! There is a kiosk in the day use area and the grass was also nice and green too ! We went for the 2km steep climb ( and yep it was very steep ! ) up to the top of the falls and then further up to some rock pools which looked very inviting . We took some photos but decided to hike back down and swim in the plunge pool at the bottom . We reached the bottom without anyone falling over the edge ( read without Wade falling ) as there are no handrails or anything and the path is very rocky and runs right along the edge of the cliff . We stopped and swam in the plunge pool which was just lovely . We grabbed an ice cream from the Kiosk at Gunlom Falls then headed back out on the " gravel road from hell ! " We stopped in at the " local " swimming hole and found a small tour group there already but they were just about to leave which left us there all on our lonesome . It was very cold in the water , so we had a quick swim but didn 't hang around too long . It was a great spot and I made a mental note to thank the lady at Mary River RH for telling us about it . We had been told that a lot of the movie " Crocodile Dundee " had been filmed in Kakadu and a scene shot at Gunlom plunge pool . We asked the kids and they have never watched it ! OMG couldn 't believe it , so as we have most of our movies with us on our HDD we put it on that night to watch . We could pick out several places , with the kids going " ohh we 've been there " , or " that 's such and such a place " and so on . Gunlom Falls is definetly in the movie , but i think he calls it Echo Pool or Falls . It was interesting to watch it after so many years and yeah some of was a bit corny : ) but we did recognise a lot of places we had seen in the last few days . On the way out I stopped in to say a thank you to the lady who had told us about the swimming hole but she wasn 't on yet but the bloke behind the counter / kitchen was in for a chat so i stopped for a bit . He was very friendly and offered some more info about the places we were heading into . What a great and friendly place ! Well we 're off now , heading down towards Mataranka , NT . I know that Phuket is not part of Australia but it 's still part of our holiday trip so here is what we got up to . Glenn , any questions let me know and I 'll try to answer them . Found there was enough to do to keep the kids amused but 2 weeks probably a bit long . Their peak season starts in October and i think the weather would be kinder to you then too . They have had very un - seasonal late rains in their wet season , lucky us , but we still had a great time and the weather , even if wet , was not cold and miserable : ) Cheers : ) Singapore is a huge city built by the sea and all you can see is buildings and skyscrapers but a lot of the streets in the city are lined with huge trees . It was very clean and quite lovely and we hope to come back another time and spend some more time here ! After an early morning wake - up call we were off to the Changi airport to go to Phuket . I should say that the time difference between Darwin and Singapore is the same as between Darwin and WA ( about 1 . 5 hrs behind ) . The time difference in Phuket is another hour behind Singapore ( Perth ) so we were gaining lots of hours . We did find out that they were doing renovations to a lot of the rooms so sitting out by the pool wasn 't always the relaxing and peaceful quiet we had imagined with the sound of grinders and jack hammers going off . Luckily most of the rooms being done were on the other side of the hotel to where our room so we didn 't hear it from our room . However i had read on a website that this may be going on and when the travel agent checked there was nothing noted under the Hotel … . Mmmmmmm …… . First stop was " Monkey Cove " where there were heaps of monkeys , all over the ground and in the " Monkey Cave " . For a fee you could enter the cave and buy some bananas and then feed the monkeys . That should read buy some bananas and be grabbed , jumped on and swarmed by the monkeys all wanting the bananas . One English tourist was covered in them , not biting or anything but all scrambling to get the bananas . I tend to forget what a non - smoking country Australia is as everywhere we went people were lighting up , even while we were eating . Yukky ! The kids were really disappointed with the ATV as we were promised that the boys would be able to drive one on their own but that wasn 't the case . They had to pair up with Joel and I so not as much fun as they 'd imagined but Joel and I enjoyed it . Some of terrain they took us on was a bit rough but it was great , but I think Wade might have struggled with it . The elephant trekking in the jungle was really good . Joel and Daniel had one elephant and Wade and I were on another . We were in a group with some guys from Melbourne who were good value ! Part way through the trek , the guides got Joel and the other ' males ' to swap places so they have a go at ' steering ' the elephant . It was funny listening to them yelling to the elephants to try to direct them . They did a good job as some of the areas of the jungle were quite dense and some of the hills were steep , well from the top of an elephant it was ! We stopped for lunch by the river where we would be rafting . We walked down , boarded the rafts and off we went . We headed straight for a weir and I thought to myself , surely we are NOT going down that ! We got closer and closer and I just thought SHIT we are ! We got right up to it , then the guides pulled us over to the edge of the weir and we got out and climbed down the rocks to then re - board the raft . Whew ! The weir wall is concrete with 3 concrete gates in it . They lift the 3 gates at the same time and flood the river to get us off at a cracking pace , and get us off the rocks . We went with a group of about 6 - 7 rafts , each with at least 4 - 5 people on it and the guides were very funny and friendly . There was lots of pulling up onto big rocks , then splashing the next raft that came along and generally a lot of fun . We had an ongoing banter with the " Boys from Melbourne " and I think there was a bit of competition to see who could wet who the most ! There was much more water than when we rafted in Bali as we paddled all the time in Bali but not so much in Phuket , we just let the current take us . The boys were trying to climb up the rocks so one of the guides came over and took them over the rocks and up to the top and showed them where it was safe to jump . They all had a blast . I was in the water taking photos when I got hammered by the fish . There are " fish bars " here in Phuket where you put your legs into tanks of these fish and they eat the dry bits of skin off your legs . Well these fish were the mutant cousins of the ones in the tanks , they were huge and they actually hurt when they were chewing on my legs . I 'd be lining up a photo and then wham - ended up with a lot of blurred photos but luckily managed to get one or two in focus . Then back to the rafting area to get our things , get into a dry change of clothes for the long bus trip back . Big day but great fun . We tried to eat at a different place each day to try as many different places and dishes as we could . They boys were very good and only a few times did they eat burgers and chips , mostly they would give the satays a go or some stir fry . The food was so yummy ……… we weren 't disappointed with any of our meals even when we ate some spring rolls , Thai fish cakes and chicken won tons that we got from the Phuket Town Markets . They were amazing . There are stalls all along Patong Beach and the next street back Rat - U - Thit but Phuket Town Markets are like a huge area under 1000 's of tarps and there are stalls that sell food , clothes , DVD etc , jewellery , wooden crafts and all sorts of stuff . They are only open on a Saturday and Sunday nights , usually from 5pm till midnight but so worth a 20min trip to go and see it , and the food …… . so yummy and tasty , eve the boys ate it and no Bali belly ! : ) Wade and Dan have bought new Sunnies and they are both growing their hair long ( much to their Mother 's dislike ) - so Wade with his new sunnies now looks like that brat of a kid " Corey ? " who had a party at his house while his parents were away and Daniel looks like Justin Beaver ! Hee hee - ( he will kill me for this ! : ) We visited the huge shopping centre in Patong Beach called Junceylon Shopping Centre . It 's got a lot of American and European shops with some smaller stalls in the centre . It also has a cinema complex with movies in either English or Thai and it also had a ten pin bowling alley as well . Outside near the eating mall there is a large ship surrounded by fountains , and each night there are 2 light and music shows where the fountains are choreographed with lights to different music . It was very pretty and gets the crowds to stop and have a look . We had a complimentary trip to one of the islands , Kai Island . We 'd had a few days of rain and today proved to be the worst of it . We still went as they rarely cancel the tours and still enjoyed ourselves but I could see how beautiful the place could be in the sunshine ! We travelled by bus to the harbour where we were then taken to the island by speedboat . It was a fast trip and we landed on a beautiful island . The Aussies were the ones with no life jackets on ! Hee hee . It was amazing ! They have shark nets set up , not that you can see them , so you can snorkel around the fish and not become someone else 's meal ! They make everyone wear life jackets on the boat but all the Asians wore them just snorkelling off the beach . When we went out to the reef , most of them came out there as well , only as they called us back in , some of them had drifted off too far and couldn 't swim back to the boat ' cos they couldn 't swim ( WTF ! ) So one of the crew and Joel brought them back into the boat by hanging on to their life jackets and swimming them back in . Joel certainly had his workout for the day ! Back to the island we sped to a yummy buffet lunch and I had another cocktail ( as you do ) . I 'm pretty sure the next 2 hours are supposed to be spent in the deck chairs down on the beach but it was pouring by now so we stayed under cover until it was time to return , except for Wade , who played out in the sand and rain - God love him ! . Even though it wasn 't that cold I think we all ended up with a bit of a cold just from being so wet for so long . Wade wanted to sit out in the front of the boat on the way back in the rain so Joel joined him to make sure he didn 't fall out . All - in - all it was a great day but would have been fantastic with some sun . We also visited Phuket 's first and only Water park , sort of like a smaller waterbom park that is in Bali . It is part of a resort that is being built in the northern part of Phuket but one of the guys there told us that as of January 2011 , if you don 't stay at the Resort then you won 't be able to get in anymore . Such a shame as it was good fun and it should be available to all the public . We had a blast anyway and hope they change their minds and keep it open to the public . They have the Boomerang ride and one called the Superbowl and both were great fun . With the Superbowl you come out of the tunnel into a big bowl , do a few laps then go down the " rabbit hole " and out to the pool below . Going down backwards was interesting ! ! They had a lazy river so you can grab a tube and float around and relax too . We had the sun for most of the day and it only rained on our way home in the car . We had been told to pack our bathers as not many people know that there is a swimming pool on the roof of Changi airport ! However , we managed to fill in the next few hours quite easily . There are 3 terminals at the airport so we explored each of them in turn . We had lunch at Pizza Hut but there are heaps of places to choose from . The kids found a Time - zone ( Asian equivalent ) and Joel and I veged out by a fountain while they gamed on . There was a kids playground just outside the Timezone as well , but for little kids . They also have a huge stainless steel slide in there as well and the kids had a few goes on it as well ( all for free I might add ) . We headed over to Terminal 3 and they have a whole area set up with some remote - controlled cars and 4 Need for Speed consoles , with seats , pedals and steering wheels . All for free as well ! We all had a go on the cars and then headed off to book through customs and immigration again and found a nice quiet spot near an internet cafe where the kids surfed / gamed , Joel had a nap and I charged up all our iPods , phones and DSis and played with my iPhone : ) . They actually have these amazing small lockers ( like a postal box ) , with keys , that you can plug your phone into , close and lock the door and go off to shop , eat , etc while your phone charges up - all for nix ! There are a few ideas here that Australian airports could really adopt ! After a bit of turbulence we landed in Darwin about 2 : 45AM and got all the bags , went to the car only to find we had a flat battery ! OMG - after talking to a few security guards ( who had no idea ! ) I found a lovely gentleman who found some jumper leads for us so we could start the car from the second battery . There wasn 't even enough charge in the battery to open the rear of the car , which is where our jumper leads were . We headed back to the caravan to catch a few zzzzzs before moving the caravan onto a powered site . We arrived in sunny Darwin on 13th August and have spent two and a half glorious weeks here , although by the time we left we were more than ready to go as the " build up " has started and it 's very hot and humid with almost no relief ! We stayed at the Lee Point Village Resort for our time here and also stored our van here while we took a " holiday within our holiday " to Phuket for 2 weeks . Yep , I know the life of some , hey ! ; ) It was a big caravan park , very dry , not much grass , a pool but it could be so much better if only the managers took a bit more care and fixed things up around the place . Must say , won 't miss checking the toilet everytime i go , to see if the frogs have decided to make it their home again for the night ! : ) We 've known Glenn since our early days of working together on a gold mine , all three of us and that was a looong time ago ! There was a tug docked at the wharf that immediately got Wade 's attention , then after a yummy seafood lunch , we walked down to the other end and saw a submarine that was docked there . It was great to catch up with Glenn as we figured out it had been quite a while since we had seen him last and you look great too ! ( I know he will read this : ) ) He invited us down to the water ski club on Sunday to go paddling , we thought kayaks , but he had a different idea ! We went to the local flicks to watch Inception ( which was great ! ) and then headed out to the water ski club in the arvo to catch up with Glenn . Well the paddling was actually outriggers , not kayaks but it was great fun . I was a bit unsure of how the kids would handle it ( hell I wasn 't sure how I would handle it ) and if the kids would be strong enough as each boat takes 6 people to paddle but they were brilliant . Wade stayed on for each session , not wanting a break . What a champion ! It 's just paddle , paddle , paddle for 15 - 20 mins then back to shore to swap people in and out then back out again . The people at the club were very friendly and welcomed us warmly . Then we watched a magical sunset as the Water Ski Club is right on the beach . Ah …… this is the life ! Seriously we could live here , it 's a beautiful , laidback place ! We came back a few times to sample the beverages and food and have a swim in the pool . Great place ! We headed down to the Mindil Beach Markets to have a squiz and get some dinner . What a wonderfully , colourful place it was . There are so many different types of food available it was amazing . There are all sorts of stalls from air - brush paintings , sunnies , wooden crafts and jewellery . We would definitely have to come back as it was getting a bit late and you need a few hours to see all there is to see . Our second time back at the markets we grabbed an early dinner and sat down on a grassy area , which happened to be in front of the fire show . It was AMAZING ! This guy has choreographed his routine to music and does juggling with flaming swords , chains , ropes and a whip ! Very entertaining and loads of fun and all for free , except for the donation we gave him because he was so good ! There is a boardwalk walkway between the Water Ski Club and the Mindil Beach Markets and it goes over some very marshy , muddy grounds . We stopped to watch the red clawed crabs and wouldn 't you know it , Wade drops his thong over the side of the rail . Then we watched in amusement as one of the red - clawed crabs grabbed his thong and was trying to drag it into his hole / home . Very ambitious crab ! Daniel managed to rescue the thong and the crab did not look happy ! We made a third visit back to the Markets , this time with some Karratha friends of ours that had come to town . We had drinks with Janice , Goldy and Isabelle then headed into the markets . We grabbed a bite to eat , watched a different fire show and the kids went on the aero bungy ( which was a rip - off ) then they also went on the portable rock - climbing wall . They had a blast there and the young lady there offered us 2 for 1 tickets to come and try rock - climbing in town at " The Rock " . We ended up going to the rock - climbing place the next day and tried out the walls . Luck the girl remembered us as we had left the tickets in the caravan - doh ! We spent a couple of hours trying different walls , with varying degrees of difficulty and had a blast . All of us had a go on the different walls . Unfortunately we didn 't take any photos because one of us was either climbing or belaying ( being the anchor and holding the ropes and shackles at the bottom ) and when we did remember we had all taken off the harnesses . What a great way to spend the afternoon and great for our fitness as well ! They are a very friendly and helpful bunch at the rock - climbing place . We dined out that night at the Hogs Breath cafe and took a picture of our dessert . We got one between all of us and we still couldn 't quite finish it . We went to a place called Leanyer Water Park and couldn 't believe our eyes . It was a great park with a huge swimming pool , a water playground for younger children and three , huge water slides for the bigger kids and IT WAS ALL FOR FREE ! Yep , you heard it right , FREE ! We spent a few days here while we were in Darwin as it was such good fun . The boys expended a lot of energy ( read = slept really well ! ) and there are large shade sails set up for shade and free BBQs as well . It was a great setup . There is also a skate park built right next to the pool area so the kids thought they had found heaven ! : ) Just couldn 't believe that the City of Darwin has a place like this for free - A place like this would go off in Karratha - hint , hint if anyone from the Shire is reading this ! ! ! ! We also paid a visit to the Wave Pool ( part of the Waterfront ) in the city next to the wharf . It was good fun and it only cost $ 16 for a family for the whole day ( 10am till 6pm ) or $ 12 for a half day ( 10 - 2 ) or ( 2 - 6 ) . Great family value and there is a kiosk there for drinks and ice creams but we struggled to find anything except a really up - market restaurant and a fish and chip shop for lunch . If we were to go again I 'd be bringing the esky with all our food and drinks . They have heaps of shade over the baby pool areas and lots of umbrellas and a bit of grass , all - in - all a great day ! We visited Crocodylus Park and Zoo to see yet more crocs and other animals they have in the zoo . There were ostriches , lions , tigers , monkeys , baboons , geckos , wallabies , kangaroos , etc . They feed the crocs a few times a day and take you through the pens and let the public feed the big crocs too - very interesting to watch the faces of people who have never seen them before , hilarious in fact ! There are a few breeding pens and we couldn 't count the number of crocs in them , there was just too many ! As interesting as it all was , I think we were a bit croc 'd - out by this stage so went to see the other animals . The park is set in lush tropical gardens and we spent some time just wandering around . While we have been here we have managed to get Daniel into Balance Podiatry as he needs an upgrade on his orthotics as he has grown so much in these last 6 months that he has outgrown the ones he got last October ! They make such a difference as his feet ache so much that he struggles to do some of the walks with us , but the new orthotics seem to be doing the job okay ! Sheesh , he 's costing us a fortune and he 's just turned 12 ! On a lighter note , we have our passports with us and thought that if there are cheap flights overseas , we might just zip off for a little while . We found some and now we are off to Phuket for 2 weeks , with a stop over in Singapore . Will let you all know how it goes when we get back . Yee ha . It is a beautiful park , literally nestled in a tropical garden on a huge property and the owners are the loveliest of people too . There is a billabong in the middle of the park which houses about 8 or 9 fresh water crocs and some bird life as well . You can walk along the boardwalk which goes over the billabong but it is well fenced so no dramas about getting too close . They have an aviary which houses guinea pigs , chooks and an assortment of birds , an outdoor movie screens twice weekly and a great pool . We only stayed for 2 nights but we 'll be sure to stay longer next year when we return this way . There were some peacocks and peahens roaming around the park and they came right up to us , then off to see some other campers . We heard the rustling noises of the " Orange - Footed Scrub Fowl " and found them under some bushes near the caravan as well . What an amazingly beautiful place ! The water runs like a bit of a river between the three pools so the kids and I got our snorkels and masks out and investigated the fish and other water life along the " river " . On our way back home we stopped to get some local produce and some home - made ice - cream from a farm . Some of the local farmers have gotten together and they all bring produce to the one place to sell to the public - we got eggs , vegies and fruit and all were very yummy and tasty . We decided on an early night as we wanted to go to the Territory Wildlife Park the next day and had heard it would take all day to see most of the park - they weren 't wrong ! We got to the park at 9am and read the maps and timetables for different events that were on for the day . There is a shuttle bus / train service that runs around the park and we made good use of it . We did walk a fair bit of it but if we hadn 't used the shuttle we wouldn 't have seen all that we did . It is HUGE ! Wade was in heaven , I mean a wildlife park , come on ! First stop was the walk - through aquarium . The building is set up so you walk through a series of tanks with first fresh water then salt water marine life , then you actually walk through and under the aquarium . It 's soooo cool ! There is a salt water croc here who is HUGE ! The boys took photos pretending to get very close to him , but luckily always with some glass in between them . The aquarium is fresh water and has heaps of barramundi , whip rays and all sorts of fish in it . We moved onto the area called " The Sandbar " where I got to feed the fresh water whip rays . They felt so weird , like a sponge on the outside and underneath was so soft . There was a colourful Jabiru that kept trying to steal the show , which we found out was raised in the park , left 18 months ago and has now returned . The archer fish are a silver coloured fish with black stripes on their bodies and when you hold a piece of bread or a stick or anything just above the water , they will survey the area , then spit out water to see how far you are away from them , then they jump up and out of the water and take the food or insects . There were 4 whip rays , one was about 5m from head to toe and the others were a bit smaller . To feed them you need to bury your feet in the sand so that when they take the fish from your hand , they don 't accidentally take a toe with them ! Okay … . . all was going well till I put some fish in the water and the big one came over , had a sniff and then lunged onto my feet - I just jumped back and said " Shit ! " much to the amusement of my loving family and other onlookers ! I got back into the water with the others and fed them some more . It was an amazing experience . Kids had to be over 15 to do it so the boys couldn 't do it . We had just enough time to dry off and catch the shuttle bus / train to the next part which was the " Birds of Prey " at the " flight deck " . The keeper had an owl out and for a gold coin donation , you could put on the protective leather glove and have a hold and photo with it . Wade was in absolute heaven ! There was also an army private who was at the show and we later learned that the very large , wedge - tailed eagle was the platoon mascot . It was his job ( and he shares it with 3 others ) to train the bird to go out on parade with them , and to attend any functions that the army puts in an appearance at , ie - V8 supercars , etc . What a job ! But in saying that the bird is HUGE and I wouldn 't like to have to hold him on my arm for the length of any parade ! Kids enjoyed getting close to him , but he apparently doesn 't like children , women and especially blonde women … go figure . Next stop was the cafe for lunch as we were getting pretty hungry by now . There were kangaroos with joeys outside the cafe and they love fruit , so the keepers had some bowls of fruit pieces to feed them . They were so cute . We stopped in to see the Nocturnal House and saw an albino python . The Nocturnal House has had the lighting switched to reverse so that they are in night - time during our day so we can see them at their busiest . A lot of the animal were still very quiet and some asleep so I don 't know how well that 's working out : ) We listened to an interesting talk about the fruit bats then headed back to the aquarium to see it again before heading off to go to a " Behind the Scenes " excursion . We bused down to an area in the research houses , where we were shown the Northern Quoll . The keeper / ranger discussed how the it was nearly extinct and how the breeding and behavioural program of one lady had brought them back from extinction . I won 't bore you with the details … . I say that only because I wasn 't bored but Joel and the boys were constantly yawning and asking " Can we go yet ? " When you first walk up the path , it triggers a lightning , thunder and rain storm show as you walk into the first hut . It was so loud but absolutely fabulous . We went back a couple of times to re - trigger the rain and thunder and lightning storm ' cos it was so much fun : ) . Then we walked through the aviaries , ( all 12 of them ) and found all of the birds that had placards in the viewing areas . Wade was on fire by this stage and Daniel was joining in too . We saw so many beautiful birds and the last aviary is " one of the largest domed walk - through aviaries in the Southern Hemisphere " . It was awesome , to coin a phrase that Daniel thinks he invented ! ! The dome is in several levels and has turtles and magpie geese on the ground level to crimson finches , kingfishers , doves and too many to remember . I should have got Wade to write this part of the blog ! You could spend hours in here just walking through and still not see all the birds , it was amazing . We headed back to the caravan but decided to stop at the Litchfield Tavern for dinner and a drink ' cos we were absolutely buggered . It was a beautiful pub / tavern and the meals were delicious and good - sized servings too . We headed back to camp and packed a few things up as we head off to Darwin tomorrow . When I last wrote we had just arrived at Litchfield Tourist and Van Park . The caravan park was very nice , the people were very informative about different parts of the park and meals there were great . The first day we decided to do see the southern end of the park , which is mostly 4WD area . We headed for the Blyth Homestead Ruins and crossed a fairly deep water crossing , then we read about the Sargent Family who raised 14 children in this small homestead . The outpost station , next to the tin mine , has been set up with old photos and mementos from 1928 onwards and makes for very interesting reading . We would have stayed longer here but we also found the biggest , meanest march flies I have ever seen . They were biting us non - stop , even Joel , who normally isn 't bothered by march flies or even mozzies and the like , so we headed off towards Sandy Creek / Tjaynera Falls . Good 4WDriving tacks with numerous water crossings , some a bit deeper and darker than others = Joel was enjoying himself ! The walk is about 3 . 4km return , walking alongside the creek . The pool below the falls was the quite cold but very refreshing after the good walk . Wade had bought himself a dragon necklace in Broome and had it on when swimming but found he had lost it in the water . Joel and I searched around where we had been swimming , and even though it was over our heads , the water was crystal clear ( and still cold ) , with lots of big rocks so we managed to find the steel dragon but not the black leather string . I was amazed we found the dragon but he must have been meant to keep it . We finished the walk and headed off to Surprise Creek Falls and passed a zillion , grey - coloured termite mounds . The termite mounds here are called magnetic termite mounds and they look decidedly different from the ones around Coral Bay and Exmouth . The stand up to 2m tall and are in a north - south orientation which acts like a temperature control mechanism , allowing the least possible surface area to be heated up . Amazing - who would 've thought termites could be so smart ! Sometime later we arrived at Surprise Creek Falls . It was a fairly short walk compared to what we have done before and we spent the whole afternoon here . There is a series of falls that cascade down into very deep plunge pools . The boys took great delight in finding some more places to jump off from great heights and into pools . Access to the higher pools is basically by climbing around the rocks lining the pools and up to the next level - I felt like I was in a computer game , jumping rocks to get to the next level ! Access to these falls is only by 4WD so it is not as busy as some of the other falls we would visit , but we didn 't mind as it gave us more time to play and bask in the sun . It was a beautiful spot and our favourite of all the falls we visited here in this park . One of the tracks along here is called Reynolds Road and it has a few interesting water crossings along it , where you can 't see the other side before you cross and one which was a lot deeper than it looked . Luckily we didn 't get stuck in any of them . At the bottom pool the boys decided it would be great fun to jump all over Joel in the water , eventually stacking up on top of him . It 's great to see his back has improved so much that he can still be doing this with the boys ! Oh and Daniel 's gonna kill me but we 've been teasing him about his voice - it 's changing already , with pitches up and down - hee hee . We stopped in at Tolmer Falls on the way home as you are not allowed to walk to these falls because of the rare bats that live there but they were quite spectacular none - the - less . Back to camp for dinner at the caravan park and back out to see more of the park tomorroSurprise Creek Falls Next day we headed to Greenant Creek and walked to Tjaetaba Falls . It 's about a 3 km walk and most of it is uphill on the way to the falls , which luckily meant it would be downhill on the way back - which is how we sell it to the kids : ) The falls are very nice and there is a plunge pool at the top which wasn 't very big , but … . you guessed it , it was deep enough to jump off the edge into . We met another family and another couple and we were there for hours . We had been told that not a lot of people go there as the walk is so uphill and rocky , but it was beautiful . The pool was soooo close to the edge of the falls though and just had to make sure Wade didn 't " just want to check it out " . We had lunch in the car park then off to see Wangi Falls . It had been closed the for the previous few days as there was a salt water croc they had to get rid of , but it was open the day we decided to visit it as the croc had been caught . It is apparently a VERY popular place and from the amount of people we saw there , is a well known tourist attraction . We didn 't realise how " commercial " it was until we got out of the car in our hiking boots to walk through the car park , then a ' huge ' walk to the falls of about 200m on a fully paved road . We thought it would be like the other walks , through the bush but you can just wear thongs and bathers and leave the rest of your gear in the car . There were hundreds of people there , such a stark contrast to where we had been yesterday and this morning . The falls are just beautiful though and we still swam out across the pool / lake to the falls , where , yep you guessed it , the boys ( and I mean Joel as well ) all climbed up and jumped in off the falls . There was a big sand bar in the middle of the pool / lake and it was amazing to see how many people were struggling to swim out to the bar , as the water was not very deep - makes you realise how much swimming ( and swimming lessons ) are such a big part of being Australian . We headed off to Florence Falls pretty much straight away and so glad we did . The Falls are magnificent . The water is cooler than where we had been but it is sooooo clear and was full of fish and I mean fish about a foot long , heaps of them . When we got there , people were dipping in the water but the boys swam over to the falls and did their thing . Before you know it some german girls and some english guys headed over as well and joined in , climbing up onto the falls and jumping off . We stayed here for the rest of the day as it was so beautiful and the kids were having so much fun . We stopped in to look at Buley Rock Holes which was exactly like it sounded - heaps of rock pools formed along the river , but we decided to save it for another time . We had passed a hitchhiker when we left Greenant and seemed to see him after we had stopped to see some falls and get back on the road again twice more . We thought we must be meant to give him a lift , so we pulled over and picked him up . Nice bloke , been living up near one of the old tin mines in the park and on his way to see a mate . We took him as far as the caravan park and said our farewells . After a very long day we all had showers , dinner and start pack up as we head off to Berry Springs tomorrow . We have seen heaps of cane toads on our travels and unfortunately got up - close - and - personal with one . I went to put on my hiking boots this morning , which we leave outside , and was having trouble getting my foot all the way in and it did feel a little squishy . Ooohhh nooooo , i pulled my foot out and shook the shit out of the boot and sure enough there was a disgusting cane toad who 'd been using my boot to sleep in . Yuk ! After all that shaking he was damn near dead , but finished him off and put him in the bin . EEEwwwwww . |
I recently took a typical mormon Vegas Vacation with my hubby and his family . After dropping off our kids with my family ( thank you thank you thank you , and sorry about Lilly 's diapers ! ) , we drove straight through and stopped at the quintessential In - N - Out Burgers . For the first time , I tried the protein - style burger ( lettuce wrap instead of a bun ) . It wasn 't bad . Not quite as satisfying as a bun burger , but still good . I 'd like to say that I went protein - style because I 'm health concious , but if you were there and saw me down the chocolate milkshake and animal - style french fries , you 'd know better . Then , we went to the strip and headed straight for the Barry Manilow show , which was AWESOME ! That man has written the most romantic songs ever created . Here is the man himself in yellow ! After the show , we left the casino without once pulling a slot machine ( you 'd be proud of me , Mom ! ) and headed straight for the Bellagio Fountain show . We hung out there for an hour , gawking at some of the passerbys in between shows and cheering when we saw other BYU fans . It was around midnight when we finally got to the car and headed for the hotel . I zonked out within minutes of the car ride . I don 't quite have the stamina for late nights that I used to . ( Who am I kidding ? I 've never had stamina for late nights . ) The next morning , we hung out at the luxurious resort hotel , playing a little pig and horse on the basketball court , swimming at the pool , and watching cheesy Adam Sandler movies on cable . We made it to the BYU vs . UNLV game with plenty of time to watch the pre - show . We cheered loud whenever BYU scored one of its dozen touchdowns and when one player ran a 92 yard kick - off return . ( I hope I got that term right ) . Mac ran into his boss from work and a former mission companion . ( Typical , right ? ) Here am I with Mac , our cheesy grins and all . And Dad , Mom , Shea , and Kent . And here is Mac , Rhett , and Dad again , who is responsible for the great trip . Thanks Dad ! Our wild and crazy trip to Vegas for BYU football was , as always , a hjulie Grosgrain : Queen of Hearts and Alice in Wonderland Costume Set GIVEAWAY ! ! ! ! Super cool giveaway , and perfect for two of my girls . I 'm always amazed when I see what people can make with a needle and thread . Depsite the fact that anything beyond sewing a button on seems amazing to me , these costumes are truly amazing and beautiful ! After her nap today , I went into Lil 's room to get her , and this is what I saw . That 's my 18 month old ! Just old enough to start nursery , which I can 't believe . She doesn 't seem old enough , not even close . She 's been a difficult baby , but a very cute one , and I 've wanted to hold onto that cuteness for as long as I can , but it seems she 's growing up despite my best efforts . Posted by We bought a piano this summer , and I love having it in our house . No one can play it just yet , not unless you count dinking out the right hand melody as " playing " , and I 'm not even very good at doing that . Luckily , at least one of these three will turn into a budding musician . Kate starts lessons in a week , and I am so excited for her . I always wanted to take lessons when I was young , but I never got the chance . Now I 'm living vicariously through my daughter and getting so much joy from it . Hopefully , she 'll like piano lessons and appreciate what we 're doing by giving her this opportunity ( yeah right ) . You want to know what she said when we bought the piano ? She said , " I want to play a different instrument . " I furrowed my brow and asked her , " A different instrument ? Like what ? " " The violin , " she told me . ( There 's a girl down the street who plays the violin . ) " Well , you have to start on the piano , " I told her . " And after two years , then you can start lessons on a different instrument if you want . " ( If we can afford it , I wanted to add , but she wouldn 't have understood that at her young age . ) Posted by Seven years ago , my young husband and I got married and went on our honeymoon to the exotic place of . . . Jackson Hole , Wyoming ! It really was kind of exotic to me because I had never been there . However , if I had known that just two years later we would be moving within 60 miles of this exotic destination , I might have suggested we go somewhere else . But , we didn 't know that we would be moving to Idaho Falls at the time , so we went to Jackson and Yellowstone Park and had a great time . Don 't we look young ? And carefree ? Here we are at the famous arch in Jackson . Again , don 't we look young and carefree ? Now look below . Not so young anymore , and definitely not carefree . We 're smiling , but we 're exhausted . Taking three kids under the age of five for an overnight trip anywhere is A LOT of work , as we found out . I 'd like to say that we hiked up this mountain , but when your two oldest girls cry that their legs hurt when they 're only walking around the block , you know your limitations . We took the tram up above Teton Village to enjoy the view . Lilly kept trying to escape from the carriage ride . Kate tried to do it too . But we talked her out of it . I told you we were exhausted ! If only I had a spare $ 1200 . 00 , I would buy this . Instead , I picked up some old student desks for free ( thanks to freecycling ) , but they aren 't pretty in the slightest . My kids don 't care , though . They think the desks are the coolest thing in the world . They love to color , do worksheets , and other independent stuff at their desks ( which I think is GREAT ! ) . But I hate how they - the desks , not my kids - look , and I really want to refinish them . The only problem is , I think the tops are made out of formica , and I don 't know where to begin , or if I can even do anything about them . I really want to make them pretty . Can I paint over them ? Could I sand them down ? I 've never been into crafts , and I 'm about as clueless as you can get when it comes to stuff like this . But I 'm willing to work at it if I only knew what direction to head in . Here is a photo of one of the desks . The other one looks similar , only the top is a brown , wood - looking surface , but it feels like formica too . I know the metal part I can spray paint , but it 's the surface I need the most advice about . I really think it would be cool if I had crushed flowers or something really pretty on top , with a smooth varnished surface of course . Any thoughts , ideas , suggestions , offers of help would be great . The blogger world can be pretty amazing , and maybe someone out there knows something that can help . Here 's hoping ! July has been the month of mistaken identity for me and Mac . First , I get a facebook message from a woman , pleading with me " as a wife , mother , Christian . . . " to break it off with her husband and rethink my plans to run away with this man and break up the families involved . Part of me felt really bad for this woman and her situation , but another part of me thought who in the world would send a message like this and not know to whom they were sending it ? So I blocked her . Then this week , Mac receives a letter from a local business offering condolences on the passing of his mother . They thought we may like a copy of the obituary , so it was included , and it was for a woman with our same last name , who happens to have a son with almost the same name as Mac 's . Wierd . And this video clip , kind of about mistaken identity , is even more bizarre . How do you make that mistake ? I really should learn to stop whining . I wrote the last post on the morning of my birthday , and I didn 't think I had a lot to look forward to . Except that I DID ! Only the best birthday ever ! ! ! Practically every year since I 've been married , Mac manages to surprise me with something , and this year on my 30th birthday , Mac surprised me bigtime ! First of all , the day of my birthday wasn 't half bad . My grandma surprised me with a birthday cake before I left town ( and yes , my grandpa was able to fix the disposal ) . And on the drive home , all three of my girls were amazingly good . Even Lilly slept and didn 't fuss once . What a great birthday gift ! So the surprises didn 't start happening until Saturday , June 20th . Let me first explain that I asked Mac NOT to get me anything this year for my birthday because of a trip we decided to take to San Diego last minute , and Mac agreed . So imagine my surprise when , upon waking up , Mac told me that he was taking me ( and the kids ) to IHOP . I LOVE eating breakfast , so I was really happy to hear this . And IHOP was great . When we came home , Mac gave me a card . When I read it , there were some nice things said about me , and then another surprise - a manicure and pedicure had been scheduled for me at a local spa ! So I quickly jumped in the shower , got dressed , and rushed off to my appointment . I didn 't even have time to do my make - up . No big deal , I 'll just do it when I get back , or so I thought . When I was finished at the spa ( I 'm still sporting lovely dark pink toes ! ) , the lady at the check out handed me ANOTHER card ! I opened it and read some more nice things and discovered that - SURPRISE ! - I had an appointment to get my hair styled ! Mac had conveniently programmed the address into our GPS , so I followed the directions ( except when they told me to turn the wrong way down one - way streets ) and found the place . It turns out Mac 's assistant at work . Alese , does hair on the weekends , so it was fun to chat with her while she used a flat iron to make my hair look great , especially since I haPosted by It 's almost nine o ' clock and I 'm sitting at my parent 's table in my pajamas while my kids watch PBS , dreading the chore of packing up all my stuff that is scattered throughout the house by now , not to mention the cleaning I have to do before I leave so that when my parents return home from Florida , they won 't be greeted by a total mess . In our short time here this week , my girls and I have managed to break a precious piece of pottery my dad made and which is my mom 's favorite , and the kitchen disposal . I 'm working on that last one right now . I 'm hoping my Grandpa Marquiss might be able to fix it for me , I mean , for my parents so I don 't have to tell them about the destruction I 've wreaked while staying unsupervised at their house . And then I have the four - hour drive home to look forward to , by MYSELF ( minus the three kiddos ) because Mac is in Arkansas . Did I mention that I am now 30 ? It 's my birthday , and I 'll cry if I want to . I 'm throwing myself a party - a PITY party ! Posted by I 'm the kind of mom who , on days I do make myself do the girls ' hair , it still looks like they slept in the hairdo made the day before . I also let them dress themselves a lot of the time , and you know this means mismatched socks and odd ensembles of shirts and pants . That 's why this photo shoot with the girls is so wonderful to me - it shows them off at their best . I can look at these photos for hours ! When I do study these pictures , I 'm reminded of how lucky I am to have a house full of girls , which means ( if I focus on the positive stuff ) there is a lot of giggling , picture - drawing , and dressing up . Currently , every day , the girls draw me and Mac a picture , decorated with multiple stickers . The drawings for Mac usually end up by the front door , waiting for him to walk in and see the nice surprises the girls have left for him . Mine are often handed straight to me , and then I put them on the fridge after effusive thanks and praise . Sometimes , like when I 've gone for a run in the morning , I 'll come back and the girls will have drawn me a picture and put it by the door , like they do for dad . And other times , they 'll draw pictures for their friends across the street or at church and save the precious drawings until they see this friend . These are good times , when our young daughters are so enthusiastic about sharing their love and talents with as many people as they can . I get a kick out of how Kate draws her pictures and how she loves to sign them " Love ? " so we have to wonder who drew us the beautiful picture . It 's so fun to see Avery 's drawing develop - just recently , her scribbles have turned into people with actual bodies and looooooong legs . Yes , despite the whining and the occasional tantrums , mothering these three girls is pretty awesome . I 'm really glad I have these beautiful pictures to remind me of that . With all the worry and work that goes with trying to sell your house in a slow house buying market , I 'm finding it difficult to make time for blogging . But I can quickly pass on the tidbits of entertainment that help take my mind away from my stress . Mac and I thought this was hilarity perfected . Just copy and paste into your browser - you 'll be glad you did . http : / / www . nbc . com / Late _ Night _ with _ Conan _ O ' Brien / video / clips / birdwatching - 21709 / 1022961 / I received my prize for being the eighth caller on KBYI a couple days ago : The new Mormon Tab CD , Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing . The songs are lovely . Some are lively and energetic , and others are soothing and peaceful . I love it . One of my new favorite things right now is the radio station KBYI ( 100 . 5 FM , I think ) . I discovered it by accident one day , but I paused long enough on the classical music it was playing to think , gee that 's nice - the kind of music I can have on in the background even with the loud noise from little children and not feel like pulling out my hair or grinding my teeth . So the dial on the radio stayed put , and now it 's been weeks and that dial still hasn 't moved . The music is simply fantastic . I swear I can feel my blood pressure lowering immediately upon listening to it , and for some odd reason , I feel smarter when I listen to it too . And if that 's not enough to convince you to give it a try , today they played the the entire soundtrack from Seven Brides For Seven Brothers ! So it 's mostly classical music , but sometimes they 'll play broadway hits and such . Today , I really enjoyed what they played , but on Saturday I tuned in to show Mac what a great station KBYI was , but unfortunately something kind of wierd was playing , and Mac declared it was over , saying he couldn 't stay married to someone who liked listening to that kind of music . ( It really was a bad selection of music at the time , but I think Mac was overreacting just a bit , wouldn 't you say ? ) On Sunday , however , Mac gave KBYI props by saying it was way better than KLCE for Sabbath - appropriate music . So , if you live in the vicinity of Rexburg and Idaho Falls , I urge you to give KBYI 100 . 5 FM a try . Let me know what you think ! ( As a side note , I was the 8th caller this morning and won something , but I didn 't quite catch what it was I won , and I was too embarrassed to ask , so when it arrives in the mail , I 'll be sure to update the blog and let everyone know what I won , since I 'm sure you 'll be just DYING to know . It was still exciting to win something , even if I don 't know what it is yet . ) Mother 's day was great . After breakfast in bed , the girls insisted I open my presents . So after much enthusiasm on their part , I opened them and thanked everyone profusely for spoiling me . At this point , Kate sighs , " I wish it was Children 's day . When is it going to be Children 's day , Mom ? " I told her that everyday is children 's day , but she didn 't believe me . She will when she 's a mom , though . Posted by It 's fun for me to reflect on the last few years I 've known Avery . When I was pregnant with her , I got an inkling of the kind of person she 'd be by how she was in my womb , and by that I mean that she never moved . Sure enough , when she was born , she never moved either ! She slept all the time , rarely cried , and was a complete joy ! She rolled when she was 9 months old , crawled when she was 12 months old , and walked just before she was 16 months old . Despite these late milestones , I think she 's pretty smart . Plus , she was the easiest baby ever ! A great sleeper , eater , smiler , sitter , and non - complainer - what more could a mom want ! I could have nine kids if I knew they were all going to be like Avery as a baby . She was completely enjoyable . I can 't say that about my other two babies , as much as I love them . As Avery 's grown , she 's gotten a lot more sassy and defiant , but I guess that happens with most kids . Maybe because she was so easy going for so long , and we never felt the need to discipline her , she grew to think she could do whatever she wanted . She 's still a lot of fun , though . Some of my favorite things about her : No one is sillier and can make us laugh as easily as she can . She 's a great little mother to her dolls . She loves Beyonce 's All the Single Ladies and always asks for me to turn it on . As much as she loves her daddy , she still prefers me to sing to her at night . When she 's excited , her whole body lights up . Her speech is still very much that " baby " talk , which makes it very cute but very difficult at times to understand . Happy birthday to my beautiful three - year - old ! Sometimes I wish I was small enough to crawl under my sink , shut the door , and hide there . If I were Kate and Avery , it would be the perfect place to break out my new flashlight , the all - time best ever toy , if you didn 't already know . If I were Lilly , it would just be for trying out a new place and experience . But as mom , I might use it to shut the door on the constant house cleaning that faces me now that my house is for sale , or the constant nagging from three daughters who won 't even let me shower or go to the bathroom alone . I remember being small enough to crawl in a place this size , but I don 't remember when I grew too big for it , only that it was a LONG time ago . Posted by Mac and I are sitting in the SLC airport right now , waiting for our connection to Tucson . Mac is reading a People Magazine ( we just traded so I could use the computer ) . I always like to buy a People Mag when I 'm traveling . I picked up the habit from my sister Aimee . It 's the only time I do buy the magazine , and it 's fun to immerse myself in pop culture every once in a while . It 's amazing what you can learn about people I will never personally know , yet somehow I still care . Like , for example , Mel Gibson , who is getting a divorce . That news made me so sad ! And , did you know , that Tori Spelling is NOT aneorxic ? Right after she had her latest baby , Dean ( her husband ) told her she was beautiful . So why would she be aneorexic ? The People Magazine is fun to read , but it 's really a distraction from what could take over my mind at any moment and make my vacation less enjoyable , and that is the thought of my three babies with someone else taking care of them for FOUR WHOLE DAYS ! Ironically , I really look forward to getting away from the kids at any chance I get . I think it 's healthy , rejuvenating , and necessary for my individuality and my marriage to take these " breaks " - until I actually do take these breaks , and then I realize that there really aren 't any true breaks from motherhood . That 's right - once you become a mother , you can 't ever go back . Here I am thinking about my kids , especially my baby , wondering if they 'll be good for those watching them , if they 'll miss me , if they 'll get sad or get hurt feelings , when I should be thinking about where we 're going to go out to eat , or if I 'll be able to beat Mac in tennis , or something else fun that we 'll get to do on this trip that we don 't get to do at home . I 'm looking forward to this trip , but I miss my girls . I took this trip to " get away " and relax . I 'm sure that this trip will accomplish that , but I 'm also sure that it will have a second , unintended consequence : When I return , I 'll smile and hold my kids a little longer . I 'll be a little nicer , a little more patient , Posted by I 've never been much of a fan of Justin Timberlake . Not that I disliked him or anything , but I just couldn 't name any of his songs , let alone sing the lyrics . No , it wasn 't from his music , not even his NSYNC days , that I got to know JT ; rather , it was his comedic stuff that got my attention : his SNL skit with Beyonce ( hilarious ) and his hosting of the ESPY awards ( impressive ) . I 've even seen the Punk 'd episode where JT thinks the IRS is confiscating all of his possessions for back taxes ( very funny ) . But other than that , I didn 't really think a lot about him , so I was more than a little surprised when he became the leading man in a dream of mine the other night . In this dream , JT saw some home movies of me as a kid and thought there was something promising about me . ( The home movie just happened to be the one where our family is reenacting the Nativity scene . I think I was wearing an old bathrobe that was too big for me . Believe me , I couldn 't make this stuff up if I tried ! ) So he approached me and we hit it off . We went on a fun , casual date that lasted the whole day , and at the end of it , he kissed me . Now , it wasn 't a french kiss or even a passionate embrace of any kind , but if I had to rate the kiss on a scale of 1 - 10 , it would be an 11 . It was a soft , slow , warm , kiss , the kind of kiss that makes you feel a little giddy and light headed and tingly all over . I woke up with my lips still tingling . Wow was all I could think as I lay there in bed next to Mac . And then , Oh yeah - MAC ! The man I 'm married to . What 's he going to think if I tell him I had a dream about kissing JT and really liking it ? So as I listened to Mac get out of bed and get ready for work , I decided I would just tell him when he got home from work . I didn 't want to spoil his day or anything , especially because he had something really important going on that day , and I would hate to cause any kind of distraction for him . ( It never crossed my mind not to tell him about the dream because that would make it seem secretive and wrong , and we all kPosted by My dad finally started a blog ! I don 't know how much he 'll update it , but he did post this really cool video that features my mom ( she 's the first person highlighted in the video ) . Watch it here . With three little girls in the house , we do a lot of dancing and singing . Kate 's dance moves have really evolved lately , and they are too funny not to share . I 'm giving Mac credit for teaching her this stuff , because I 'm too embarrassed to admit that she could learn this from me ! After reading about establishing early writing habits from this website , I felt inspired to get Kate and Avery their own journals . They love writing in their journals . It 's much easier to get them dressed and ready for bed when they have their journals to look forward to . They usually draw pictures , but I try to encourage Kate to write a few words and Avery to write a few letters . It 's fun for them , plus it 's rewarding for me to see them enjoying something kind of academic . Motherhood is an interesting and challenging journey , one that I 'm muddling through the best I can . This blog is a record of that muddling . I share the good , the bad , and the ugly . Feel free to share with me ! |
Happy Mother 's Day ! I 've been focusing on some heavy stuff during the last five months : depression , anger , fear , misdiagnosis , illness , a near - death experience , and loss . You know what I learned from sharing my deep dark fears and my private journey in a public space where anyone in the world can read it ? Letting go has made me free . I let go of my fear that you will judge me . I let go of my sadness , my anger and my shame . I let go of my need to help karma find Dr . H . C . I let go of my fear that I will get sick again . I may very well get sick again ; I may even lose myself . But I know what to do , I 've rallied support and I know that it 's possible to come out on the other side standing tall and pretty much back together again . Thank you for reading my story and for sharing your stories and advice . It has helped me let go . I love blogging so much I don 't want to let that go , so in the next week or so I will transition to an entirely new blog . After examining my illness and depression , I want to keep it light for a while . ( Though , if you know me , you 'll know there will be an element of seriousness in everything I do . ) Consumerism has always been fascinating to me . I 've thought about it a lot . Take today for example , a holiday I think is one of the least commercial . Moms want to take a day off and be appreciated . Kids make a special breakfast or clean the house or write a poem in a card . It 's not about diamond rings or dozens of blood red roses . Or is it different for you ? Part of the reason I 've been writing this blog is to answer the question I posed in Up For Debate : what is personality ? Is it more like neurons ( the mechanism that releases the chemical ) or the synapses ( the space between , where one chemical is deposited to meet another chemical ) ? The girl who sang in the shower disappeared for a few years . I 'm not exactly sure where she went . Where ever I was , I must have existed . Or I wouldn 't have been able to come back . So what happened in between ? Did I get sucked into an undiscovered black hole that exists , under the right conditions , in every person 's body ? Was my personality so well hidden that it was indistinguishable from my surroundings , like a light brown mouse in a sand storm ? Even more interesting : I came back . Without any focused thought or energy . No prayers or devil worship or telethons . I just reappeared one day in the hospital . It didn 't happen right after the medicine had fixed my heart . And it 's not like my ejection fraction increased dramatically right before I started singing again . I am convinced that we 're a product of our circumstances . Yes , we have free will to be whoever we want to be , but we usually choose who we want to be based on our circumstances . I remember feeling scared as a little kid when we had a suicidal foster girl living in our home . She locked me in the bathroom with her and talked about cutting her wrists . At some point during the foster family experience ( there were several living with us over a period of a few years ) , I wrote the Kids Helpline number on a piece of paper and hid it under a loose tile . There was a really great girl who lived with us for a long time , someone I grew to love . But that good experience didn 't cancel out the really bad one . That fear as a child was so big that I still remember it , and I will never bring foster children - especially not teenagers - into our home . I would do other stuff to help , but never that . Free choice is a tricky concept ; maybe even an illusion . I didn 't want to disappear . I Posted by I didn 't realise it at the time , but when I was depressed and sick , I was struggling to survive . Not in the same way K ' naan sings about in his song Waving ' Flag ( So we struggling ; fighting to eat / And we wondering when we 'll be free ) . Because my basic needs were met , my struggle was existential . I wasn 't sure if I could live with the pain or be a good mom . I was faced with redefining myself when I lost my ability to write . Oddly , I turned to material things to ease my emotional turmoil . I bought a lot of stuff we didn 't need . We ate in restaurants at least three times a week . When we ate at home , it was steaks on the barbeque and mini potatoes with the perfect pre - packaged spices . I stopped drinking beer and starting drinking Yellow Tail . I used expensive face scrubs and wore Vans . My new attitude toward the finer things came gradually . I didn 't throw out my plain black running shoes thinking I would replace them with something more expensive , just shoes that worked . But when I got to the store , after a long , hard week of working while exhausted , I had an epiphany . Why not get the Vans ? I deserve a little something for all I do . Did I go for the stuff because it was there , because I thought it would make me feel better , or because I was too fucking tired to deal with my emotions ? Day after day , work was hard and I deserved to get something for the money I was earning . Something more than my roof and Kraft Dinner in a pot . Each day I made a choice . Before long , I was making the same choice every day , and having wieners for dinner just seemed less than I deserved . I didn 't go without . I didn 't think I should . Now , I wasn 't going too crazy - I kept it within my means . I wasn 't buying boats or million dollar houses or cars I couldn 't afford . But we went to the movies when we wanted to and I bought every hardcover I wanted to read . Consumption consumed me ; it became my life without writing , without hope , without joy . Stuff was my happiness , because I didn 't think I could be happy with a progressivPosted by I don 't think my depression caused my illness . In fact , I actually think that my illness was , in part , responsible for my depression . I was whacked up the side of the head with Dr . H . C . 's diagnosis not long after we found out my mom - in - law had Leukemia . Fibromyalgia has no cure , no reliable treatment and no guarantee that it won 't get worse and worse year after year . Young woman should be dreaming about sexy lovers and careers and babies , not wondering if a life - long sickness would make it impossible to enjoy any of those things . When I was first diagnosed with Fibro , I spent hours questioning my capabilities as a mom . How much would my fatigue interfere with a child 's life ? What would she have to give up to take care of me ? I agonized over this question : is it fair to knowingly bring a baby into a family with a sick mom ? Is it really fair ? Would she have a good life ? Don 't get me wrong , I 'm not saying that all kids with sick parents don 't have good lives . But I 'm sure things like soccer and ballet and weekend road trips to see grandpa are difficult or impossible . So , fear + long , hopeless road + feeling powerless = depression . When I was depressed , I wouldn 't have labelled it as depression ; I would have said that I was sad . But looking back , I know that I was actually depressed . Everything was coloured by my sad , angry , and eventually bitter point of view . I had emotional heartburn . The fire that shot out if my mouth burned a path through my world . The fire created a barrier between me and the people in my life . At the time , the barrier made me feel safe , but after thinking about it for a while , I 've come to realise that isolation is a bit like not existing at all . At the very beginning of this blog , I wrote " Intelligence , in the real world , is measured by the ability to communicate " . Really , our entire life is about communicating . We don 't exist without a connection to the people around us . If we had nobody to talk to all day , I think we would lose our voices . If we had nobody to share our lovePosted by Dear Dr . Hope Crusher , CC : Medical Disciplinary BoardYour misdiagnosis really messed me up . I want you to read this so you don 't do the same thing to someone else . I was referred to you because I had pain in both of my arms for no obvious reason . My family doctor thought I had arthritis , but you glanced at my file as you walked down the hall toward the examination room and decided that I had Fibromyalgia . It had been just three months since the pain began . There was no pain in the lower half of my body at that time . You jabbed your fingers into my muscles hard enough to hurt me everywhere , not only on the tender spots , but you ignored the fact it was you who was hurting me , not my illness . You handed me a few photocopied notes and diagrams about stretching and guided me out the door . There was never any follow up . You didn 't recommend more tests - not even a sleep study - or more doctors . You only saw me once . My family doctor had to prescribe me pills and check in with me and help me manage my day - to - day pain and fatigue . Because you had incorrectly labelled me with Fibromyalgia , other doctors either thought I was a hypochondriac or a lost cause , and I went for years without finding out what was really wrong with me . After years of no sleep , even while taking the sleeping pills recommended for patients with Fibromyalgia , I got fed up and demanded a sleep study . Luck for me , I had the energy that day to advocate for health . The sleep study uncovered a major issue with my heart . I know you 're not a cardiologist , but you 're probably smart enough to realise that cardiomyopathy causes fatigue . Turns out all I needed were beta blockers and ACE inhibitors to make me feel better . I 'm not exhausted or achey or stiff anymore , Dr . H . C . I have been living well without medication for a very long time now , Dr . H . C . If you had taken the time to diagnose me properly , instead of trying to stuff me into a neat box and then throw me out the door , you would have saved me a lot of heartache . If you practice medicine every day tPosted by I 've been struggling with the idea of a mind - body connection since my mother - in - law was diagnosed with Leukemia . Some people believe we can control our bodies with our minds . What do you think ? Here 's what I know : My mom - in - law didn 't think her way into sickness and she couldn 't think her way out . I know for sure because she was a god damned inspiration to other cancer patients in the hospital . She was out of bed every day , carting her IV pole around the halls , encouraging others to hold on through the really rough days and to get out of bed on the not - so - bad days . The cancer went into remission , but then it came back and it never went away . She didn 't do anything to bring the Leukemia back , or to get it in the first place . She didn 't control her body with her thoughts . I also didn 't think my way into cardiomyopathy . I did live with a heavy heart for years . I was depressed . But I don 't believe my negative thoughts brought on my illness . It was purely a coincidence - something I spent too much time thinking about because I wanted to have some illusion of control over my situation . The atoms in my body were not rallied into good or bad health by my thoughts , fears or desires . I didn 't get better by thinking positive thoughts ; I took drugs and I got lucky . I was just as depressed when I was diagnosed as when I was taken off the pills . Happiness came after the good news . What do you think ? Am I bitter or missing something ? Am I on the right track ? Do you think you can control your body with your mind ? Did good thoughts bring you health ? Bad thoughts bring you sickness ? I don 't remember much about the day my daughter was born other than what I 've already written . Here 's what I 've been told : I needed two bags of blood after hemorrhaging ; I knew who I was but not where , so I had a CAT scan at three in the morning to check for signs of a stroke ; and at some point during all of this , possibly because of the magnesium sulphate IV drip , my heart rate dropped to seven beats per minute . Seven beats per minute . One of my nurses was five months pregnant , and big enough for me to notice nothing except for the baby belly . The belly set me off when I wasn 't best friends with reality . I had a nightmare that kept my blood pressure high for days . In my nightmare , the pregnant nurse handed me a pair of scissors and told me to cut my baby . She said that every baby who was born by c - section was only allowed to survive because another baby had been scarred or killed . If I didn 't cut my baby another baby would die . It was the circle of life . A baby before mine had died to pave the way for us . It was our turn . It was terrifying because I honestly believed that the nurse wanted me to cut my baby 's stomach open with scissors . The nurse who was in charge of my life in the ICU . Tim stayed with me to keep me calm and rational . He sat in an uncomfortable armchair beside my bed until I fell asleep at night , and then he slept in the Quiet Room a few feet away . He was also there for our daughter , who was stuck in NICU while I was getting better . He rubbed my head and told me jokes . He listened to my paranoid ramblings , took my fear seriously and helped me see what was real and what was not . He picked me up out of bed , put me in a wheelchair and brought me over to our baby whenever the nurses said my blood pressure was stable enough . His love was the only thing that dispersed my fear long enough to lower my blood pressure . His effect on me was more powerful than the labetalol they were feeding me through IV . How did I get to be so lucky ? When I was finally moved to the maternity ward after days in thePosted by This is the third part in a series . You can read the first part here , and the second here . They wheeled me right to the ICU from the recovery room after our baby was born . My experience in ICU is actually the beginning of a very traumatic time . I 'll get to that soon , but first I want to write about seeing a specialist while you 're in a hospital bed . When you 're conscious and alert , it 's reasonable to shoot for goals like reading cues and writing lists . When you 're wheeled into a room on a stretcher , it 's not . There isn 't much you can do to control the situation when you don 't know where you are . My situation , being in the ICU , was extreme . Sometimes people don 't ' know where they are ' even when they literally know where they are . If you 're so tired / confused / fucked up that you can 't contribute in any meaningful way to your exchanges with your specialists , I have one piece of advice : Trust them . For the most part , doctors are competent , caring people . They know the ramifications of their mistakes . They stuck it out in torturous med school because they want help people . They would rather shove their egos into a donkey 's ass , strap that donkey on a rocket and launch it into space on a crash course with the sun , than kill you . They work long hours trying to figure out what is wrong . They give up time with their families to keep us alive . Most people are good people ; this includes specialists . Unless something in your gut says NO ! , trust is a good thing . And good or bad , trust may be your only play when you aren 't conscious . Just because I had a really bad experience with one of the seven specialists I saw doesn 't mean it 's something everyone should be on the lookout for . It won 't necessarily happen to you . I learned a lot about the relationship between relaxation and getting healthy in the ICU . Trust starts with letting go , relaxing your fears and erasing those negative mind - tapes . Sometimes it 's easier when you don 't have any other choice . Of course , I always had an advocate by my side . I wPosted by When I was in labour , they monitored me and the baby very carefully . My blood pressure was high enough to induce seizures and strokes . A stroke might have killed me . Nobody explained exactly how my baby could have died , and I refuse to look it up , but it was a very real concern . I was admitted and induced about 3 pm on a Tuesday . I was moved to a delivery room that evening , not because I was ready to push , but because they wanted to watch the baby closely using an internal foetal monitor . The crash cart took up so much space in that little room . Late at night , after what seemed like forever , I gave into the pain and asked the nurses to call the anaesthesiologist . That was a nightmare . My blood was so thick and my veins so swollen , it had taken two nurses and several tries to get an IV line in my wrist that afternoon . The anaesthesiologist could hardly see my spine because of the water retention . I could tell he was nervous . I actually felt bad he got such a difficult patient . That nightmare was worth it . I got some relief and a bit of sleep between contractions . I had really wanted to give birth naturally ; avoid a cesarean section at the very least . The OBGYN let me press on until the next day , because the baby was still doing fine . But I just wasn 't dilating , so I had to go under the knife . As the surgeon cut into the first layer of skin , I said " ouch ! " , and he immediately stopped . I didn 't just feel tugging , like they said I would ; I felt the sharp pierce as the scalpel broke through my skin . My body doesn 't play by the rules . So they fed more drugs through my epidural line , waited for me to feel less , and they started again . This time I didn 't feel the first cut , but I did laugh out loud when the surgeon cut into the next layer . It tickled . Amid the chaos , our beautiful baby girl was born . I knew she was okay when she cried . I was conscious just long enough to see her squishy newborn face sticking out of the receiving blanket when a nurse brought her into my field of vision . My life was changed . I wrote in my last blog entry that I wasn 't worried about the odd things that started happening near the end of my pregnancy . I was in good hands , being watched carefully . I was at the weekly check - up point . Everything was okay . EERRRT , Hindsight yelled . Wrong answer . Things change quickly in pregnancy . And it 's hard to see the bigger picture when you 're measuring day - to - day . Over and above that fact , my body doesn 't play by the rules . So , at thirty - nine weeks pregnant , I drove myself thirty minutes down the highway for my prenatal appointment . I waddled into the office , a little out of breath and a lot exhausted . We discovered another five pounds in water weight when the nurse weighed me . My feet were white Shrek feet . My blood pressure was high . My doctor was very calm . She didn 't tell me what the blood pressure numbers were , and I didn 't think to ask . She simply told me that I needed to go to the hospital straight away . Her voice was even and soothing when she explained that the nurses would check the baby with a non - stress test , and the on - duty OBGYN would check my cervix and decide whether or not to admit me and induce . With a smile , she said I would more than likely be a mom in the next few days . The receptionist offered to walk me to the hospital , but I didn 't want to leave my car in the wrong parking lot , so I drove . She told me later that she was really worried about me and the baby . But when you 're that sick , people do everything possible to keep you from freaking out . Soft and gentle tones and facial expressions are a must for everyone with high blood pressure . They were expecting me in the maternity ward . After they got me settled into a comfy green gown and onto an exam bed for the non - stress test , I called Tim . I was eerily calm myself , though only as a reflection of what I 'd seen so far . The baby was still doing great - no worries there . I was admitted into the only single room on the ward . In case you 're wondering , that is not a good sign , but I didn 't know it at the time . The singPosted by Two amazing things happened at the same time : health and pregnancy . I had faith that I would have enough energy to keep up with the family we were starting . My heart was light and strong . At the beginning of my pregnancy I worried more than most soon - to - be - first - moms . Every missed beat was followed by a rumbling through my chest . Because hearts pump the blood that carries oxygen , I had some anxious moments wondering if the baby in my belly was getting enough to survive . I asked my doctor , instead of obsessing , and I trusted her answer . Deep breathing calmed me down on several levels . Since diagnosed with cardiomyopathy , I have been the luckiest girl in the world . My heart was fixed with medication , not surgery or a transplant . I am alive and captivated by life . We got pregnant quickly . I also had an amazing , easy pregnancy up until the very end . No morning sickness , just a little nausea at night ; no trouble sleeping in the first or second trimester , just weird dreams about the huge upcoming change ; no hemorrhoids or swollen feet or hairy nipples . And the baby did great , too , in my belly . Every ultrasound showed movement and all the good stuff you 're supposed to see in ultrasounds . Yoga kept me focused , limber and relaxed . If you haven 't tried it , try it . Even when things started to get a bit weird , yoga helped me keep it together . Suddenly , at the end of my perfect pregnancy , I wasn 't peeing as much as I should have been , I started gaining about five pounds a week and my blood pressure was up every other prenatal check . By my thirty - eighth week , my face was so fat that I could hardly find my eyes . And those thin ankles I was telling you about could no longer fit into my boots . I wasn 't worried though , because the baby was still doing great . I kind of thought I had been getting off light up until that point ; I was just paying my dues . Sometimes reason keeps you moving , and sometimes it trips you up . I 'm going to jump right from sorrow to babies . After a year of heart medication my ejection fraction went from 27 to normal , and I was less tired and less breathless . Dr . Heart took me off the pills to see if my heart would pump well without assistance . I had to wait for six months before getting another MUGA scan to measure my heart function . Near the end of it I was getting insanely impatient . The glaring green hands on my biological clock were killing me , but I had to wait for the green light . Nurse Heart makes fun of me now for being so impatient . I thought Dr . Heart was slow - playing me , so I called to bump my test up a month . My plea worked . All the anxiety in the world didn 't change the results of my test . ( There goes the straightforward mind - body connection theory . ) My heart passed and we threw the condoms in the garbage . I wish I had cut them up into little pieces and then burned them in a cathartic bonfire , or at least mailed them to a country with limited access to birth control ; it would have made a great story . We were lucky : we got right to it and got pregnant within three months of trying . I felt amazing . The shift from cautious to all - out - cardio quickly killed my breakable - complex . And then I was back to fragile with a teeny tiny embryo in my belly . I was happy and comfortable ; I couldn 't ask for anything more . My life was perfect . I didn 't feel completely healthy when I stopped taking the heart medication , but as soon as that embryo burrowed into my uterus lining , I started feeling better and better . But it was a long journey . I was still classified as sick , because I was diagnosed with Fibro , and I still sometimes think this is the story of somebody with life - long health issues . It got worse - scary worse - before I woke up in the hospital as a new person . I 'll tell you all about the bad stuff soon . This is the second part in a series . I collect money all day long . Every once in a while , almost everyone I speak with in a day lies about making a payment . That day was Friday . First thing in the morning I was bullied mafia - wife - style by a real estate agent who had already lied twice about paying her bill . My next few clients were really mean . And then there was the young woman who had not paid her bill since she had become a client , had already lied about paying it three times , and still wanted her service back . It went on and on all morning , and it started again after lunch . By mid - afternoon I was tense and grumpy . There was no doubt in my mind that the next client would try to sell me a load of shit , too . Natalie , I think , was the next client . She told me the last guy promised to credit some charges , but didn 't do it . Yeah right , Natalie , I thought . That 's a common lie . Her account didn 't show that promise , so I assumed she was just another Friday client . Well , I asked the guy who talked to her last , and it turns out I was wrong . Natalie wasn 't lying . It took me half a day to throw out my basic philosophy about humans . I 'm pretty committed to the fact that people are basically good , and every other day last week solidified that fact . Four hours of shitty people trying to take advantage of the system and get what they want without doing what they should have and I forgot all about the other guys . Specialists must have heard lies , too . People lie to doctors for all different reasons : guilt , fear , stupidity and ignorance are just a few . I bet they have days filled with lie after lie . You 'd be screwed if you were the first appointment after lunch . But it 's one thing to assume a client is lying about money , something else entirely to assume a patient is lying ; the stakes are much different . So how do you cut through all of the human bullshit that even specialists can 't cure to get the treatment you need ? It 's hit or miss , truthfully . There 's no foolproof way . I know that sucks , considering we may be Posted by The longer I was sick , the harder it was to imagine being well . Remembering healthy Jenn was more imagination than memory because I was so far from it , in both time and space . As I began to resign to a life of understanding simple ideas only after a replay , I pulled away from my family and friends . Only one person believed that my brain symptoms were caused by my heart : my family doctor . Dr . Heart thought it had more to do with Fibro than anything . So I thought that even if my heart was fixable , I would still be stupid . I couldn 't write when I couldn 't connect one simple idea to another . The skill I had was gone ; and my dream was out of reach . I was heartbroken . At a certain point , after being lost in a story for a long time and finding no way to get my thoughts across , I realised that it was out of my control . I couldn 't write well enough to fake it with good editing . My brain just didn 't work the way it had before I was sick . Unintentional - existential - crisis - mode kicked in . Who is a writer who can 't write ? Useless . Okay , if a wordless writer is useless , I reasoned , then I have to become someone else . My parents always told me that I could be whatever I want to be . Who did I want to be ? I didn 't want to be sick , but my world was defined by cardiomyopathy and Fibro . They were part of the new Jenn . I wasn 't sure if I could be more . And as I was trying to figure out my new life and my new mind , I couldn 't connect with the world . Never mind the fact that I felt like I was living under water while my friends and family were living on land ; change is hard for relationships . Ambiguity is worse . When there is nothing to confide in people , it 's hard to connect . Phoebe : Want to go to a rock concert tonight ? Jenn : I don 't know . Phoebe : Are you interested in rock climbing ? Jenn : I don 't know . I was so focused on making a new life for myself , I never imagined that I would wake up in the hospital one day pretty much back to normal . My mind couldn 't dream up a story with an ending like that . I spent a lot of time in that sleep study lab because it was the Heart Function Clinic by day . Every month for three months , and then every other month after that , I walked through the hospital doors with my heart in my throat , wondering if it would be the month I got the bad news . I thought I 'd have to have surgery . It never occurred to me that the bad news was over . They kept track of my weight because swelling is a bad sign with cardiomyopathy . After I weighed - in at the start of each appointment , they hooked me up to the ECG machine . I had to get undressed in one of the sleep labs , put a hospital gown on backwards and lay down on the bed . When Nurse Heart came in , she would stick about five suction - cup - thingies on my chest , stomach and ankles , and then plug them into the wires that fed my heartbeat to the fancy machine . If the printout looked like a mountain range with peaks destroyed by a crashing plane , then I still had PVCs . As I laid on the bed , waiting for Nurse Heart , I would wish the pilot had finally checked his engines before boarding his plane , but those flat mountains stayed with me for a while . And then I 'd have to tell Nurse Heart how many pillows I slept on and if I had been out of breath enough at night to wake up . She would take my blood pressure while I sat on the bed , and then again when I stood up . Dr . Heart would listen to my chest , check my ankles for swelling and ask me the same questions . They were both really good at soothing my fears when I was brave enough to talk about them . Even if there wasn 't an answer , Dr . Heart had a way of focusing on the now and on the good possibilities . He was never impatient with me or dismissive . I didn 't know him before the PVC discovery , but I think he 's the kind of guy who would have treated me with respect no matter what . Cardiomyopathy changed the way many people treated me . Suddenly , I wasn 't wasting their time . Since I was diagnosed , doctors have been calm and sympathetic . The lab techs taking my blood , the receptionists at the cardiogram clinic Posted by I get a little nervous every time my heart skips a beat . When I 'm just sitting at my desk and my heart starts acting wonky like it did the other day , I start thinking about the worst case scenario . What if my heart is messed up again ? What if the fix was only temporary and not effective anymore ? If I knew that I was going to be sick again in a year or two I would live a bit differently . I would go to Ireland this summer to see where my grandpa 's family came from . Then I would fly over to France , Spain , Italy , Switzerland , and other cool countries in the area . I would push myself harder on the treadmill , get to a run faster . I would get a tattoo of a heart somewhere on my body . Maybe I should do that one anyway . If I thought my sickness would kill me , I would quit my job to spend every day with my daughter , and my husband would hear cheesy love proclamations twice a day . Why can 't I do that now ? Knowing how hard it was to think when my heart was sick , I would get off my ass and re - write my second novel . I shouldn 't need the fear of losing my wits to do that . But I would be less afraid of looking like an idiot , and more afraid of losing my chance . Here 's the thing : I could get sick again . It might not even be my heart next time . In fact , I will get sick eventually and die . But I 'm feeling a little complacent these days . I 've lost the edge that came with finally being healthy . Health is expected now , just two years after maybe never being healthy again . Last night I went dancing for the first time in three years . It was so much fun , but definitely won 't become part of my weekly routine . It 's never been my scene , and I really don 't fit in there now that I 'm a new mom . When my friend and I first got to the bar there were two glasses on the dance floor . I picked them up and put them on the ledge . Instead of cheering for the girl who climbed on the table to dance , I was worried that she would snap a heel and fall on her face . The bouncer pulled her down before she killed herself . My sense of humour doesn 't translate well on the dance floor , either . I didn 't get any laughs when I cast a line to reel people in . I thought it was hilarious ! Don 't even ask what I was wearing . I 'm cool with the fact that I 'm not invited to the Swanky Club for being so bar - awesome . It 's not me , but every once in a while I like to have that kind of fun . If I wasn 't cool with that , I could work hard to fit in . I could buy bar clothes and learn how to put on make - up . I could practice dancing in my spare time . I could look up some lyrics online . I might never become the swankiest club hopper , but after a while I would be a clubber . That 's what makes it difficult to know who people are ; who they really are . Am I the person that I am every day , or who I am today ? Was I a different girl when I was sick , because I was sick for so long that I became that person ; or am I the healthy woman , because it 's basically the person I started out as ? Maybe I 'm a woman who used to be sick , because cardiomyopathy changed me just enough to be considered a major life event . I sing in the shower again now that I 'm healthy . Is that the difference between happy and sad Jenn ? Am I who I 'm trying to be , who I want to be , or who I am right now ? Am I my past ? My feelings ? My thoughts ? I wasn 't myself for seven years . That 's a long time to be lost . I started a few new jobs , made friends , wrote a book , bought a house , got healthy and had a baby . If I wasn 't me that whole time , who was I ? DoePosted by This is the first part in a series . I 've had the pleasure of meeting many doctors . To a sickie , doctors are priceless , but they can also be assholes . Don 't bother reading the glib magazine articles about getting the most out of an appointment - I 'll tell you what you really need to know to navigate the tricky terrain of communication and ego . My specialty is specialists . Take a buddy . Don 't ask your husband / mom / friend / brother / daughter - in - law to join you because you need a second set of ears , because ears are overrated . You need an advocate in that office ; a reminder to the doctor that you are a human being who knows a handful of people , and those people care enough about you to take time off work . It sounds sick , but doctors find it easier to put you in the whacko column if you 're alone , and when you 're in that column , you 're dismissed . Once that happens , even when you sound smart about your symptoms , you 're considered a potential hypochondriac , and when you can 't find the words to describe the fact that the world looks purple today , you 're a pushover . There might be a reason nobody cares about this whacko , he might think . Going alone to an appointment has cost me . Don 't let it cost you . Find someone to take time off work for you , even if it 's inconvenient . If there 's absolutely nobody who can make it , consider bringing a cut - out of Neil Patrick Harris . But seriously , the person sitting next to you across from the doctor 's desk sets a tone : this illness is real and it has affected her family . If you 're lucky enough to have a choice of people to bring , pick the smart , empathetic one who knows all of your symptoms and how each one has made your life shit . Prep this person beforehand , so you present a united front . Give your husband permission to act as your advocate . Tell him it 's okay to interject with symptoms you forget , or with stories about how bad it really is , if you 're one of those people who would rather keep the mood light . The more chances you give the specialist to seePosted by Can you give up on anything if you 're still alive ? That girl who sang in the shower couldn 't sleep at night unless the ideas that had filled her head all day were on paper . That woman who woke up in the hospital hadn 't written more than a grocery list in years . I had given up on my dream ; my way of understanding the universe . Partly because writing had become really hard for me and mostly because I lost confidence . There comes a point , at least I thought so for a few years , when you have to face reality . I finished a novel when I was sick , dressed it up and sent it out into the world . Not surprisingly , it was rejected . The feedback I got was disheartening . " I just don 't love it enough . " Vague and brutal . Obviously I missed the mark . Unfortunately , I was too stupid to figure out what the mark was , and after a few more rejections , I gave up . I knew the novel had to be re - written , but I didn 't think I could do it . I said to myself : It 's gone . You 're not that person anymore . You might never be well enough to get it again . And I started to believe those things . Really , I could barely think straight most days , so it made sense . I thought I had reached ' face time ' . As in , time to face the facts , kiddo . Grow up , start a career , get serious . Time to stop dreaming . But life isn 't linear like many novels . Life is marvelous and unexpected and beautiful . My life zig - zags and loops back , and at one point it was a series of random dashes . Writing was a myth when I didn 't have the brain power to create a clear sentence . I 'm slowly gathering the courage that I need to face the myth , because I won 't truly give up until I 'm dead . Exercise seemed impossible when I was sick . My simple stationary bike taunted me every night after work . Eight hours of sitting at a desk left me too exhausted to cook dinner and do the dishes , but I was supposed to find enough energy to work out . Whenever I 'd walk by the bike to sit on the couch , I would hear my doctor 's voice . You should get thirty minutes of exercise a day . At the very least . I felt guilty when I didn 't get on the bike ; like I wasn 't doing everything I could to get well . So , more often than not , I 'd peddle as hard and fast as I could for as long as I could stand it . I usually lasted ten minutes at the lowest tension . My legs were always heavy as hell about half way through my pathetic attempts at cardio . And by the end , I was winded and red - faced and when I walked to the couch to rest , it felt like industrial mop buckets filled with water were strapped to my feet . There were nights I resisted the pointless exercise . By the end of the week , when my fatigue had glazed over me and I was more zombie than human , I looked at the bike , heard the voice and replied , fuck it . It can wait . Rest is more important right now . Working out was torture . Now that I 'm well , I look forward to working up a sweat on my treadmill . Not because I 'm a fitness freak , but because I can . I feel exhilarated after a forty - five minute stride . It 's amazing . I have a small , plastic , anatomically correct heart hanging from my treadmill to remind me why I walk . I 'm working up to a full on run . I want to put as much distance between the sick me and the well me as possible . I want to run while I can . The first person outside my family to call me a hippie was my high school History teacher . He was referring to my spirit . Some hear hippie and think pothead . Co - workers who didn 't know me well may have gotten that impression , though they never said it to my face . I was a laid - back , peace - loving girl . All that was missing was a perma - smile . They decorated my pigeonhole when I started wearing sunglasses to work and forgetting my words . Little did they know , the sunglasses were shielding my eyes from the burning white computer screen that I stared at for eight hours a day , five days a week . My eyes were super - sensitive to the light . I 've always been peace - loving , but the laid - back Jenn was born from necessity . It was a combination of drugs and systematic shut down . My body couldn 't handle too much stress , so I started ignoring it . Yup , just like that . With the help of my dad and my husband . My dad told me to asses a situation by asking if it was going to matter in five years . Wow . That helped me big time . My husband has always been an easy - going guy . Some days it takes mountains to move him . A bit of his mindset has rubbed off . He 's also the funniest guy I know , and laughing until pee almost comes out is a great way to forget stress . The off - label pain meds messed with my chemistry just enough to keep me on an even keel until I was diagnosed by Dr . Heart . Unfortunately , I had to switch it up a bit at that point , and I got stuck taking another , not - so - good off - label pill that altered my brain function a little too much for my liking . When I started taking beta - blockers to fix my heart , I would have stayed calm if a rhino charged me . Oddly enough to those who don 't believe cardiomyopathy causes shoulder pain , my muscles have never been more relaxed than when I was on those meds . I was a hippie - at - heart even as my heart was only flesh and blood , pumping with the tenacity required to keep me alive ; because my brain was lead by my heart into a calm existence . Because my cardiomyopathy diagnosis didn 't automaticallPosted by Now that I 've shared the depths of my depression , I want to share my joy . For about a year and a half I was terrified that my heart wouldn 't be well enough to keep two people alive . I thought my chances of safely having a baby were slim . I was wrong . I did get better and I did get pregnant . Sometimes life turns out better than you expect . Before I knew everything was going to be okay , I spent a lot of energy trying to figure out what I did to break my heart . Nobody knows when my heart function started to falter . When I was younger , I smoked and drank too much , as teenagers often do . I kept on smoking for ten years . Worse than either of those things , I held onto my bad feelings and internalized them . If sadness or anger were ever in short supply , I borrowed from my friends . I lived with a heavy heart for years . Seeing my heart on the ultrasound screen brought tears to my eyes because I knew I had neglected him and taken him for granted . I felt guilty for being unaware of my heart 's struggle , for adding to it . In a mad bargain for wellness , I wrote my heart a letter . I asked for forgiveness . I promised to pay proper attention and to eat less salt . I told my heart that I would fend off stress if he would just keep pumping . I 'd like to believe he was listening . When I was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy , Dr . Heart told me I had a thirty - three per cent chance of getting better , a thirty - three per cent chance of staying the same , and a thirty - three per cent chance of getting worse . That left me with a good chance I wouldn 't have a strong enough heart to ever get pregnant . Hearts in pregnant bodies have to work harder than other hearts . I stared at the glow - in - the - dark hands of my biological clock for about four months before writing this diary entry : 1 : 50 am - I am struggling with the possibility that my heart will never be able to handle pregnancy . The waiting list for adoption is long . Baby = forever ; five - year - old = five year wait . Adopting a child from another country costs at least $ 25 , 000 - more than the down payment of our house . We 'll never have that kind of money . 1 : 54 am - I have to brace myself for the possibility that my heart cannot handle pregnancy . Otherwise , I might break down . I am rigid . I wonder if this is related to my heart condition . I wonder if everything is somehow connected to my heart . Tim 's right … this is ridiculous . I can 't use the limited information that I have about my body to hold myself hostage . There is still life to live . It 's not about waiting for test results . But it 's hard to ignore that flashing red light . I 've been cautious ever since the episode of ' vertigo ' in the shower . This has possibly saved my life countless times . My body was systematically shutting down to stay safe . Survival instinct kicked in , stopped me from feeling too much and realising too much stress , because my heart is bogged down by stress . In the end , my fail - safe will be total shut down . Can death possibly be a survival mechanism ? When I was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy my husband and I had a heart - to - heart with Dr . Heart about babies . Now , I 've never been the girl who gets gushy over babies . They cry , they puke , they poo and they can 't make jokes . I was convinced I would be the one to break a baby if I had to hold her . Despite all of that , I wanted my own , but not until I was about thirty . A few things changed since I made those plans . My biological clock started ticking very softly when my mom - in - law was sick ; we thought about starting our family so she could meet her grandbabies . And when she was dying , we really thought about it . It turned out to be a good thing that we decided not to bump up our baby plans , because they didn 't find the cardiomyopathy until three months after she died . If I got pregnant with a sick heart , I 'm not sure we would have made it . The clock got louder when I had my first snuggle with a baby . He nuzzled into the hollow of my neck and I melted . He was so beautiful and helpless , and he wanted me to love him . Me . With my past . With my flaws . My love was enough for this small baby . And his love for me in that moment was so innocent and pure , with no guilt , no demands , no judgement . I didn 't know babies could show love until that moment . The rapid tick - tock shocked me when Dr . Heart very gently told us that we could not get pregnant while I was taking my heart pills . He asked what birth control we were currently using ( The Pill ) , and told us why it was important to double - up ( always use condoms or spermicidal foam as well ) . The meds I needed to fix my heart were known to cause major birth defects , including under - developed skull , and could also cause foetal death . My own heart pulled the plug on my clock . But it was one of those old - fashioned wind - up clocks . Daylight charged the glow - in - the - dark hands ; it was the only thing I could see as I was trying to fall asleep every night . 27 per cent , eh ? No wonder I couldn 't clean the bathtub or sweep the floor without needing a nap . Suddenly my breathlessness and fatigue and weakness made sense . Seriously , I couldn 't clean the toilet and wash the dishes in the same night , so I would do one on Sunday and the other on Monday . Working full time exhausted me . Thursday was my favourite day of the week , because by Friday I was too tired to appreciate the upcoming weekend . I sit on my ass all day in an office . When my doctor called me at home to tell me the diagnosis , it didn 't sound like she was smiling . She was sporting her calculated - calm voice ; the one devised to dispel panic . Unfortunately for me , that tone now creates a knee - jerk anxiety response . The Diagnosis . Dun , dun , duhhhhh ! My heart skipped a beat ( wink , wink ) when she told me that I had cardiomyopathy , aka heart failure . Heart failure ? Wait , I 'm not dead . Nothing has failed . But it was failing . That 's why I had to start the medication right away . As far as diagnoses go , this one wasn 't the greatest . First , there 's the fact that my heart was messed up . Hearts are serious . Second , cardiomyopathy literally means : hey buddy , you 're heart isn 't working but we aren 't sure why . Could be deadly , sucker . Long way from Fibromyalgia . I don 't want to give any Fibro sufferers out there false hope that they , too , could have a possibly deadly heart condition . It 's just what happened to me . After I got over the initial shock of going from Fibro to cardiomyopathy , I spent lots of time thinking of heart puns . For some sad reason , the only thing I really came up with was What ? I heartly know you . I didn 't die . Obviously . Well , I guess I could be my ghost . But I 'm not . So what 's left to write about ? My heart . Figuratively . I became quite depressed when Dr . Heart told me things that no woman wants to hear . Love , Jenn Posted by It 's common for a healthy woman in her twenties to experience some PVCs - extra , abnormal heartbeats that begin in one of the ventricles . That 's what my doctor said when I was rejected by the blood bank for having an abnormal pulse . She wasn 't making it up ; it 's true . It 's not healthy to have more than one hundred PVCs a minute . My family doctor was smiling when she told me what the sleep study found . Don 't judge her for giving me bad news in a light - hearted way ; in this case , bad news meant good news . Knowing that my heart was working so hard to pump blood through my body , she had no doubt in her mind that I was tired because of the PVCs . My other symptoms ( pain in shoulders and neck , headaches , blurred vision , etc ) could also be related to my heart issue . Woo hoo , there was finally an explanation ! Unfortunately , we also had to consider why my heart wasn 't pumping well . PVCs are a symptom , not a disease , and the cause ranges from easily fixed ( viral infection ) to deadly ( Hypoplastic left heart syndrome ) . Dare I say , the news gave me pause . The tests started right away . Remember that bulky piece of equipment I had to wear ? It was a Holter monitor , a device that recorded my heart beat for 48 hours . It confirmed the PVCs that I had the night of the sleep study weren 't a fluke . My heart had thousands of extra beats over the course of two days . Then Dr . Heart ( my favourite specialist so far ) put me on a treadmill and found out that my heart didn 't freak out under stress . He thought that was great news , but needed to do one more test just to check something out , as doctors often say . I 'll never forget my first echocardiogram ( basically an ultrasound of the heart ) . Many people cry when they see a growing fetus on an ultrasound screen . I had to choke back tears when I saw the image of my heart working so hard to keep me alive . It was obvious , even to me , that my heart was sick . I described it to my family by doing a dance . I stood tall , stretched my arms high above my head and pumped my legs up and downPosted by The first real clue about my illness came from the sleep study , not the MRI , though it was a neurologist who told me about it . As soon as the sleep study results were available , before I could see my family doctor , I saw Dr . Brain . When my husband and I sat down in the waiting room , I was convinced that I had Multiple Sclerosis . Turns out , I was one hundred per cent wrong . We were lead into a small room after waiting for about twenty minutes . If you compared the layout of the room to a tennis court , the doctor 's chair was sitting on the net , and his large desk , two chairs , a sink and counter top were squished in the back court . The neurologist tested my reflexes and tickled my feet to watch how my big toe reacted . He did some other basic physical tests that I can 't remember . Then he asked me to sit down . Dr . Brain didn 't sit behind his desk to give me the news . He sat on a stool beside his sink and stared at my file when he told me that I absolutely did not have MS . I was stunned . There were no lesions on my MRI . It was clean . I started to grasp for answers , because weird things had been happening to my body for five years and I was sick of it . I asked him about my symptoms and I pointed out the similarities to MS . He started to blow me off and I got angry . I raised my voice enough to disturb his assistants working in the next room . I would be embarrassed about my behaviour if it hadn 't forced the doctor to look up . The tone of my voice snapped him awake . Wait , he might have thought , this is a real person . Dr . Brain softened . When he looked up at me he showed true empathy . He , of all specialists , is used to people who have gone for years without a diagnosis and without relief . And that 's when he told me there was something odd about my sleep study results . Focus on your heart , he said . There are too many extra beats . Hi guys , Thanks for reading my blog so far . Your comments have encouraged me to keep writing . In some cases your feedback has helped me understand why I do the things I do . Check out the comments on Portable FencesI 'm about half way through my story now , and very close to revealing the real diagnosis . But before I write about it , I want to get some feedback from you . A co - worker friend who reads my blog recently asked me when she was going to find out what the heck was wrong with me . She wants to know right now ! What about you guys ? Do you want to read about the diagnosis in my next post or two ? Do you have any questions about Fibromyalgia or my symptoms or my thoughts and feelings before I move forward with the story ? Let me know . Don 't forget , you can leave an anonymous comment , or you can send an e - mail to mckay _ jenn @ hotmail . comTalk to you soon , Jenn Some people are social butterflies . I am a snail . Or maybe a tortoise . I 'm not slimy , but I 'm not convinced that slow and steady wins the race , either . My misguided philosophy as a teen was shit or be shat on . Don 't steal that ; I want to put it on a t - shirt . The attitude served me well in grade nine when we were all sizing each other up . Looking back , I see why adults tried to enlighten me about the colour grey . Grey is beautiful . It makes my eyes pop . And there 's that whole vast - world - between - black - and - white thing , too . We all live there , though we don 't always know it or like it . Murder can be self - defence , stolen food can be fed to hungry children and adultery can stem from a loveless marriage . Grey can be dark . It 's why gay couples are still denied the same rights as other couples in many parts of the world ; it is racism passed down from generation to generation ; and women in burkas . Those abstract ideas and those moral decisions , easily debated over coffee , were the closest I got to grey in my teens . I never had to shoot a gun in self - defence or fear that going bare - faced would evoke the inevitable lust of a man . I had the energy to think about that stuff because I thought daily life was black and white . She was a bitch to me , so I 'll be a bitch to her . He lied to me , I have to dump him . I skipped too many afternoon classes and I was kicked out of biology . Then , on the cusp of adulthood , I got sick . A grey - green twister ripped through my life , pulled me into the air and kept me suspended for years . On my best days , I didn 't have the energy to maintain a social life and on my worst days , I didn 't have the capacity to understand intentions . It was hard to make new friends . I 've always been a tortoise , though , so I can 't blame my illness for that , just for the stagnant years in my twenties . I was a bookworm , not a hop scotch princess . And when I was seventeen , my girlfriend told a woman that Biggie 's song ' Me and My Bitch ' was about a dog . I whispered to her , " really ? " She rolled herPosted by Some couples are always together . I 've heard tales of couples who lived an entire life together without spending one night apart . Stories like that always make me wonder about business trips . Does one partner follow the other on every business trip ? Do the kids go too ? Maybe it 's an exaggeration . If not , it sounds a bit co - dependent ; at the very least , it would be a logistic nightmare . Those stories never inspired a sense of awe or desire in me . Keep in mind , though , that I completed two years of college while living about one hour away from my boyfriend - the guy who is now my husband - so I know we can be apart and not fall apart , and I consider this an accomplishment . Those facts aside , I 'm pretty sure the night of the sleep study was the first night we had spent apart since I graduated from school . That night , I marched up to the front door of the hospital with my pillow tucked under one arm and a knapsack packed with pills and pyjamas over my shoulder . I walked down the hall toward the sleep labs , unaware that this would be the first of many visits to those rooms . I looked around the lab while I changed into my pyjamas . There was a hospital bed with a warm blanket and soft pillow . There were curtains on the window , a lamp and clock on the nightstand . The walls were painted a soft pink instead of the standard hospital green . No television . Oh , there was also a big video camera mounted in the corner of the room near the ceiling . A nurse hooked me up to a machine that would monitor me throughout the night . There must have been twenty - five wires attached to me before she was done - leads to monitor my breathing , pulse , brain waves and sleep stages . In the bathroom across the hall , I took my pain pills and my sleeping pills . A small monster stared at me as I brushed my teeth . White wires veined my long , dark hair . The wires stuck up from my scalp and then looped down toward my shoulders . Little did I know , becoming that monster for one night was my first step back to wellness . I slipped back across the hallPosted by The MRI was booked before the sleep study . I was warned that it would be loud , time - consuming and possibly make me feel claustrophobic . I was told to bring music . The night before the test I got ready for bed by relaxing in the bath . I usually have a hard time sleeping the night before a doctor 's appointment or a test , and a warm bath does help , even though it gives me time and space to dwell on the possibility of bad results . That night , I spent an hour deciding what music to bring . It had to be relaxing but not boring . As I sat in the bath , thinking about MS , I listened to Foo Fighter 's acoustic album . It was perfect - calming and a little dark at the same time . It became my MRI theme music . When I arrived at the hospital the next morning , I was absolutely positive that my mystery would soon be solved . I was convinced that I had MS and that this test would show lesions on my brain . The thought created both anxiety and peace inside of my mind and heart . It would suck , but this stage would be over soon , I assumed . The MRI technician was in her twenties . Well , I thought she was the technician until she told me that she was the assistant . She took my CD and then showed me into the room . It was a huge white room empty except for the daunting machine , which is basically an examination table with a large tunnel at one end . I got to keep all of my clothes on - a nice change of pace from the many other tests I had taken up to that point . Patients have to get naked too much as far as I 'm concerned . The assistant positioned me on the bed , lined my head up to the tunnel and went back to her room , where she could watch the images and control the machine . She started my CD as she told me not to move . When the tunnel moved over my head , the machine started to make an obnoxious banging noise that was only subtly obscured by my music . ( Next time I 'll bring Alexisonfire . ) I stayed very still during the hour - long scan , afraid even to breathe too hard in case it blurred the pictures of my brain . To keep myself occupied , I imaginePosted by I could have died . Would have died if I was born only eighty - one years earlier . Maybe even fifty years sooner . The technology to diagnose my problem was invented in 1924 . One of the medications that saved me was released to the public in 1958 . It would have been a slow and painful death . I would have spent my last months feeling terrified and alone and depressed . And if I had died from the sickness that had eluded doctors for so long , I would have missed my chance at coming close to death again . Knock knock . Who 's there ? You know who it is . It 's weird . All the time I was sick , I never once thought about dying until I was properly diagnosed . It didn 't feel like that kind of illness . Plus , I was stuck on the MS possibility for a while . So , I could have died . It 's something I think about before I fall asleep some nights . Sometimes , on those nights , I have nightmares - not necessarily about death , but about situations that fill me with anxiety . Fear dreams . Big fears . The truth is , given the technology that exists today , and the level of care available , the only danger of death would have been going for a few more years without diagnosis . I was much more likely to have died shortly after I was welcomed back to Healthy Town . ( I 'll get to that later . ) But if I was born eighty - one years earlier , I would have died for sure . It sounds like a long time ago , if you don 't consider how long the earth has been around , or how long we live these days . One lifetime makes a huge difference . Makes me wonder what my children will see in their lifetime . Cure for all cancers ? At least breast cancer . Cure for AIDS ? A vaccine for HIV is in the works . Cure for MS ? Possibly . Gene manipulation to avoid progressive disease completely , before symptoms can even appear ? I think so . So there I was , barely held together with anger , on the verge of depression , in pain and exhausted . The pills the doctor had prescribed made me numb . Literally , the top two inches of my skin was desensitized by the drugs . It was hard to advocate for myself in that state . But I knew without a doubt that something undiscovered was happening in my body , and it was clear that nobody was willing to push for more tests after I was banished to Fibromyalgia Town . I was getting worse , though . Waking up in the morning was depressing . The sleeping pills I took kept me asleep , but didn 't help me get the rest I needed to feel restored . I struggled to start each day when I felt like the previous day hadn 't ended . Some days I was too tired to get out of bed . Those days pushed me to advocate for my health . I couldn 't accept that I would just get worse and worse and worse until who knows what . Until I became disabled permanently ? Until I completely lost my mind ? No . I had to do something . So I went to my family doctor and pleaded with her . Because I was convinced at the time that I had MS , I asked her to send me for an MRI . She told me , her voice full of conviction , that I didn 't have MS . She booked an MRI to humour me . I also asked her to send me for a sleep study . I figured something was wrong there . My doctor said the study would not confirm or dispel the Fibromyalgia diagnosis , but I didn 't care , I wanted to get some sleep . Despite my doctor 's convincing tone , I thought the MRI would show MS . I was wrong . However , it turned out that my demand for more tests would lead us to the right diagnosis in quite a roundabout way . Is it weird that I consciously make decisions on an hourly basis to stay in line with my morals , but also admit that I am a dirty liar ? Technically , admitting my lies keeps me in line with my morals , though lying does not . These kind of details used to bug me , used to keep me up at night . I used to think so much , I had to make up characters and stories to occupy my mind and avoid insanity . When I was sick , most of my thoughts were silenced . It didn 't happen suddenly . It certainly wasn 't dramatic . Because I was so tired all the time , I assumed the energy I used to spend on thinking about stories and morals was extra . My extra thoughts were pruned away . But those thoughts were me . They came from me : my worries , my curiosities , my neuroses , my epiphanies . They lived in my mind . And then they were gone . Am I my thoughts , or are my thoughts me ? This was the kind of question that I used to try to answer when I wasn 't creating characters that had their own problems . Yup , plenty of people would agree that I had extra thoughts . Did those thoughts do me any good ? Yes and no . Yes , the thoughts gave shape to my personality . And no , sometimes it was too much and I just wanted the thoughts to stop , give me peace . Eventually , after my thoughts had been few and necessary for so long , the peace came with extra thoughts , not when they temporarily went away . Now I am grateful for every creative thought , and I hope to keep it that way even when I want to scream because I 've been awake in bed for hours . After talking with friends and thinking seriously about my anger , I think I know why I haven 't fully let it go . True , it doesn 't affect me like it used to , meaning I don 't physically feel the anger even when I spend so much time reliving the memories that I can taste the blood in my mouth as though I was biting my cheek hard enough to stifle an urge to lash out . But as Helen pointed out , the lack of a physiological reaction to the anger doesn 't mean I 've let it go . Somewhere in my cells , I 'm housing anger toward Dr . HC and Dr . Second Opinion because , at the very least , their negligible diagnosis made it incredibly difficult for me to get the proper diagnosis , which put my life at risk . This week , I was listening to a radio interview with Dan Ariely , the author of Predictably Irrational : The Hidden Forces That Shape Our Decisions . Ariely talked about an experiment in which one guy overpaid for an item with two different groups of people : one control group , and one group of people that were purposely annoyed by the guy right before he overpaid . ( The guy took a call in the middle of the interaction and rudely made the people wait without acknowledging it ) . The first group gave him back the extra money most of the time ; the second group kept the money most of the time . Ariely said that people didn 't keep the money because they were dishonest , but because they were trying to restore some kind of karma . In other words , the guy who treated them badly didn 't deserve the break they would have given him by fixing his mistake ( paying too much ) . What he said resonated with me . Big time . I 'll admit it here and now : I am a karma crusader . If I see a wrong , I think it 's my job to right it - especially if I feel someone is being treated unfairly . My style is a bit different than that of the people in the experiment . I wouldn 't have kept his money , because I don 't think that 's right and I consciously make decisions on an hourly basis to stay in line with my morals ; but after he hung up the phone I would havePosted by I 'm finding it hard to write about anger . I knew how to be angry , how to use it to keep going , and even how to direct it toward threats ; but I didn 't sit down one day after being misdiagnosed and decide to get angry for all the benefits . Anger was a reaction to a series of events that left me feeling almost hopeless . It 's an emotion that was hard for me to control . I let it consume me and affect many aspects of my life . Somewhere between anger and depression , there was a great deal of self pity . Even though it was always tempered by the fact that my illness was not life - threatening , and I was learning too much about life - threatening illnesses to ignore the blessing , my pity and anger brought me to hurt people on occasion . This is why it 's hard to write about . I feel awful for hurting people and embarrassed that I acted so disgusting some days . I didn 't physically lash out . In some cases I was judgemental , in others plain mean , and most of the time my lack of interaction either directly or indirectly hurt friends and family . I carried a portable electric fence in my pocket . When I was angry , people knew . To those that I hurt , I am sorry . I hope this journal gives you some insight into my actions , and I hope that you 'll give me a chance to connect with you if you haven 't already . Carrying anger has been harmful . At the time , I didn 't know how to feel it only when it was useful and then let it go . I 'm not sure if I 'm good at letting it go these days either . I 'm still angry with Dr . Second Opinion and the other doctors who made me feel stupid and useless . But I can feel the anger without feeling the physical effects , like a heavy heartbeat and tense muscles and headaches . Is that letting go ? I think anger and depression are only separated by helplessness and hopelessness . My illness and the doctors who misdiagnosed my illness made me feel helpless , but my anger gave me power in some situations , and knowing that I still had some power helped me remain hopeful that I would eventually find health again . Though anger let me feel alive , there was only one time it actually helped me . A few years ago I ran into a confrontational toughy in her mid - forties . Her fifteen - year - old beat - up Mercedes was parked at the pump of a small gas station . When I pulled up to the pump , I couldn 't get close enough because the Mercedes was hogging up the space . So I turned off my engine and waited for her to finish . I watched her walk back from the store after paying for the gas and then get in her car . For some weird , possibly territorial reason , this woman aggressively gestured for me to back up so she wouldn 't have to reverse and go around my car . Before sizing up the situation , which included the facts that the has - been party girl was bigger than me and had two male passengers , I shook my head and rolled my eyes . She hated the fact that I didn 't act as commanded . She got out of the car . By this time , of course , my heart was pounding , but thanks to my flowing anger , I was ready for a fight . This is another surreal moment in my life . As she approached the car I wasn 't sure what to expect . My window was open and my seat belt was on . She stood next to my car and got right in my face . She grabbed my door , her fingertips inside of my car . She called me out as if we were guests on Jerry Springer . She expected to have the advantage by taking advantage of the element of surprise . But I surprised her by undoing my seat belt and opening my door . Honestly , I didn 't get out of my car to fight ; I got out to protect myself . Years before this incident , I had seen a high school friend get attacked through a car window . And I really didn 't mean to hit her in the stomach with my car door when I threw it open . I was glowing with adrenalinPosted by When Dr . Second Opinion locked me into the Fibromyalgia diagnosis , I was trapped . His official word was the heavy canvas blanket that started to smother me . Even though I knew , at the very least , that it wasn 't the whole story , I didn 't have the energy to fight two specialists . Energy was a scarce , barely renewable resource back then , and hope had just been listed as an endangered species . True , I gave up before the physical exam was over , but when I got home that night , having put some distance between myself and that scoundrel , I could clearly see how he had wronged me . As the healthy , able - minded expert in our duo , Dr . Second Opinion was obligated to get the input that he required to make an informed decision . He stabbed his fingertips into more than twenty points on my body without much response . He needed my input to make his diagnosis , but I stopped talking after the first three or four points . He didn 't even bother to acknowledge the fact that I had stopped answering his questions . What was wrong with these two doctors ? Why was the first one an idiot who just wanted to get me out of his office ? Why was the second one an asshole who was more concerned about his relationship with the first doctor than with the health of a young woman ? When I stopped answering questions and started asking them , I got angry . My hatred for these two specialists was the green that grew on me like moss . And allowing myself to feel rage for my own situation opened the gate to feeling rage for the Leukemia that was killing my mom - in - law . A wave of rage filled the hole I was living in , floating me for quite a while . The anger triggered a physiological response in my body : adrenaline rushed through my blood stream and my heart pounded . This raging energy gave me new life ; and the ability to face a threat standing tall . As old - fashioned as our fight - or - flight defense mechanism is , it certainly isn 't obsolete . My new found attitude had consequences , for sure , but for a time I felt unstoppable . Fibromyalgia ? Fibro - go - fuck - yourself . |
25May2017 Dear Anonymous Posted in experiences , faith , forgiveness , growth , healing , hope , letter , mental illness , open letter , Sexual Assault , Uncategorized by pianowoman94 You left me this comment on my most vulnerable blog yet - the post in which I describe , in detail , how you raped me . You left it nine years to the day that you raped me , and the problem is , I don 't know which one of you left it . I have my theories because I 've been keeping tabs on all of you . A few years ago , I even messaged one of you saying I forgive you , to which you replied , " I 'm sorry . " But here 's the thing : I 'm not bitter . I don 't hate you . I hope God works in your life the way God has worked in mine . You see , for years I struggled with my self - worth . I struggled with self - harm and an eating disorder . But God stepped in and showed me how much I was worth . He 's rescued me . He saved me from myself when I attempted suicide , and He carries me when my depression gets so bad that I feel like I can 't move . Two months ago , I saw one of you in Target , and by ' saw ' I mean , " ran into , " literally . I ran into you so hard that you dropped everything you were holding . I stopped to help you pick it up , like God stopped to help me pick up the pieces of myself that you left on that bathroom floor nine years ago . When I first got that comment , it didn 't bother me , but it chipped away at me over the hours before I went to bed that night . It resulted in a long , sleepless night filled with panic attacks and what ifs . What if you find out where I live ? What if you show up ? What if it happens again ? What if nobody ever loves me because of what you did to me ? It doesn 't matter because I 'm not scared of you anymore . I 'm especially not scared of someone who can 't even post their name . I 'm not scared because God loves me despite what I 've been through , despite what will happen in my future . He loves me even if no one else ever will . One minute , I was singing some songs , and the next instant , in the blink of an eye , I was sobbing at the prayer rail , my dad 's hand in mine . All the pain and shame and worthlessness I 've felt over the years came flooding over me . In the next instant , it was all gone , and a voice said to me , " You 'll be ok . I 've got this . " In that instant , an overwhelming peace came over me , and I sensed God in a way I hadn 't felt Him in years . I wish I could describe that feeling better for you . I hope one day you can experience it . And I don 't know if you believe in God or even want anything to do with God , but I hope He moves in your life like He 's moved in mine . Since you read my blog , dear anonymous , I hope you read this too : I forgive you , not because people told me to , but because I 'm called to . I 'm praying for you . I hope one day you 'll understand what love really means . I hope one day you 'll find God . 22Mar2017 The Recovery of Memories Posted in life , memories , overcoming , rape , recovery , sexual assault , strength , Uncategorized by pianowoman94 It was a Monday around 4 pm . There were not many people left at school since the after - school period ended around 20 minutes earlier . I can 't remember why I was there that late . There may have been an event I was helping set up for . I may have been working on an art project or a tech project or another time of project . Whatever the reason , it was late . The school was mostly deserted . I had told my dad that I probably wouldn 't be ready until about 4 : 20 , which was fine . My locker had become extremely disorganized , and since there was only about a month left in school , I decided that those twenty minutes could be spent cleaning out and organizing my locker . When I got to my locker , I was expecting it to be slammed shut , like it was every time I opened it . There was the boy , I 'll call him Z because that 's not what his name starts with , whose locker was close to mine . ( darned alphabetical order ) He slammed my locker shut every single time because apparently , that 's how middle school boys express their affection . Yuck . This time , it wasn 't slammed shut . Z was nowhere in sight , although I could have sworn that I had seen him a few minutes earlier . I wasn 't eager to see him . Earlier that day he had asked me out , and I had said no because a ) who wants to date someone who slams your locker shut and b ) I had a serious crush on my then best guy friend . About two minutes into cleaning out my Spanish binder , I went to el baño . I went in , and a few seconds later , I heard the door open and close , but I figured it was just a teacher who was freshening up before driving home . As I exited the stall , I approached the sink . But before I could even put soap on my hands , I was grabbed from behind . A sweaty hand covered my mouth before I could even muffle out a no . I knew in that instant what was about to happen . Z had brought along four of his closest friends because he wanted to show me what I was going to be missing , I guess . One of them held me down while the other four pulled up my hoodie and t - shirt and pulled down my jeans . There were four sets of hands grabbing everywhere and everything , pinching and grazing , groping and stroking . There was teeth biting , hair - pulling , name - calling , a heart pounding and a thirteen - year - old girl imagining that she was on the beach because she wanted to be anywhere but there . And when I refused to open my mouth , someone pinched my nose closed so hard it left a bruise . Somebody forced their tongue down my throat and then something that was definitely not a tongue . ( the one time my gag reflex refused to work , of course . Life has a cruel sense of irony . ) There were hands around my throat , warm breath on my skin , stars in my eyes , my hands were wrapped around their whatever - you - want to call thems , there was one between my legs . And I must have blacked out because I can 't remember everything . I don 't know that I want to . It 's been nine years , and I can still remember the words they called me , what they told me : Slut . Bitch . Worthless . No one will ever love you . No one will ever believe you . It 's been nine years , and sometimes I can 't believe it happened . But then I wake up in a cold - sweat , and I know it did . I don 't know how long it lasted - it felt like hours but it was probably fifteen minutes , tops . As quickly as they started , they finished . After they left , I cleaned my self off as best I could . The sink was still running from before because I never got the chance to turn it off . I was able to hide the evidence of what happened under my clothes . The bruises didn 't form until the next day . The ones I couldn 't hide under my clothes got hidden by makeup . I walked down the empty hallway , opened my locker , picked up my backpack , walked out the door , climbed into my dad 's car , and never said a word . He still slammed my locker shut . He still sat behind me in English class . His breath on my neck was enough to make my heart shudder . He still smirked at me because we shared a secret that he thought I 'd never tell . On the last day of school while we were cleaning out our lockers , he whispered to me , " At least I didn 't get you pregnant . " like that makes everything better . I didn 't tell anybody because who would believe me ? I didn 't tell anybody because maybe I brought this on myself . Maybe I shouldn 't have turned him down . Maybe I should have said no when the rape started . But in the moment , I didn 't because a simple ' no ' had brought the whole thing on . I didn 't tell anybody until the first flashback . My then boyfriend ( who was the best guy friend I had a crush on ) snuck up behind me , and I freaked . It was at that point that I knew I had to tell somebody . Healing has a way of sneaking up on you . It starts off with little things : wearing turtle necks and scarves , starting to wear your hair longer , eating one meal and then two and then three . It 's not wanting to throw yourself off the fifth floor of a parking garage when you 've always wanted to before . It 's messaging Z on Facebook telling him that you forgive him . It 's not freaking out when you see him in public . It 's smiling at him because it throws him off . It 's helping him pick whatever it is he dropped when you ran into him because you were texting . It 's looking into those hazel eyes , having a flashback , and still telling him to have a nice day . It 's knowing that I am beautiful . I am worthy . I am a surivor . It 's knowing that God has big plans for my life , and that someday , somebody will love me for who I am . To be honest , I 've thought about what I was going to say in this letter for a while now , and I 'm still not quite sure that I have the right words . But that 's the thing about words : context is everything ; you take them out of a context they were meant for and place them in another , and they make no sense , or they change the meaning of the new context . If you do this enough times , the words become useless - displacing and relocating until the original meaning is lost . Right now , you 're probably hearing a lot of words from family and friends , some you may be even saying to yourself . Don 't take these words out of context . Your friends and family are probably telling you that they love you . Don 't turn these words into an " I love you but … . " Everything you are feeling right now is valid . Every emotion you have and don 't have is valid . Somedays you might be feeling everything at once , and some days you might be feeling nothing at all - you might not know which one is worse , neither do I . I don 't know your story . I don 't know what led you to attempt suicide . I don 't know if it was a genetic predisposition , or a single event , or a series of events that culminated in this one cataclysmic moment in your life . Whatever happened , your past is valid . Don 't let anybody tell you different . Don 't let anybody take the pain you might be feeling away from you to assign it to themselves . You are grieving . You are hurting . They , too , may be grieving and hurting , but this is not about them . This is about you . To take the focus away from you is to invalidate the pain you are feeling . Let the emotions roll over you like waves , take them as they come , one at a time . That 's all we can do : focus on one moment at a time . I 'm writing this letter ; I 'm telling you all of this because I understand . I understand what it 's like to be on the front lines of this very real battle . I understand what it 's like to feel as though giving up is your only option . I understand because seven years ago , I , too , tried to kill myself . Seven years later , I 'm still trying to pick up the pieces of my life . I 'm still trying to recover . I 'm still wrestling with tough feelings and intrusive thoughts that won 't go away . Sometimes I still wonder why I survived when so many others do not , maybe you 're wondering that too . Maybe you 're wondering what you did to deserve all this pain . I don 't have all the answers . In fact , for every answer I don 't have , I have a million more questions . Here 's the thing I 've learned in the last seven years , time goes on . Time goes on , but I still live my life in terms of anniversaries : I focus on how long it 's been since the events in my past because that way I don 't have to focus on the future . The future terrifies me simply because it 's unknown . I live in terms of anniversaries because they 're set in stone . I know what 's happened in my life , but I don 't know what 's going to . And that terrifies me . I don 't know where you are in your healing journey , or even if you have begun healing yet . I am going to tell you that the journey ahead of you is going to be long and hard . I tell you this not to scare you , but to remind you that you are a survivor . You are strong . You can do this . And you need to have faith in something - I don 't know if it 's God , or if you wonder if God 's abandon you . I wondered that too for a long time . For me , the only thing I could believe in for a long time was gravity . I had faith that the ground would stand firm beneath my feet , holding me up when I was too weak to stand . Then , only then , was I able to reclaim my faith in a higher power . I 'm not going to say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem because to do so would be to deny the truth that sometimes this pain doesn 't go away . I 'm also not going to tell you to stay here because there are people that love you . If love were enough , the world would be different . I 'm telling you that depression will come in cycles - high tides and low tides . Somedays it 'll feel like you 're floating on air , like you 're weightless , you can do anything . Somedays it 'll feel like your chest is collapsing because the weight of the world is too much to bear . Have faith that this too shall pass . Somedays it might seem that you 're living in at the South Pole , where the sun doesn 't rise for months at a time . But , even there , there are months where the sun doesn 't set . Have faith that in the darkest times , there will be light again . If you ever need to be reminded of this , look outside at the darkest night . Sometimes the only way to see stars is to have darkness . I 'm telling you to live for the little things . Find what makes you happy and do it . Read , write , dance in the rain , pet every animal you come across , listen to that music , eat that cupcake , go see that animated movie . Sometimes we are so focused on the road ahead of us we forget to live in the moment . Sometimes we are so focused on the here and now we forget that it 's not forever . The summer after my freshman year at college , I went to Guatemala with a group of students . One day , we went to a multi - story mall . A smaller group of students and I , while exploring , went to one of the upper levels of the parking garage . As I went and stood next to the barrier and looked around and over to the ground , I thought that I was going to feel the urge to jump . I always had before , which is why I tend to avoid heights . But in that moment , as the sun was beginning to set and the horizon was turning to hazy dusk , I felt this sense of calm and peace rush over me , if only for a moment . That 's how I know I was beginning to heal . A few days later , we were serving dinner in the Guatemala City dump . A teammate and I climbed onto the top of the bus and looked around . As I looked over the dilapidated , rundown metal shanties in front of me , I caught sight of the mountains in the distance . In that moment , I was reminded that beauty and brokenness can live right alongside each other . Out of brokenness comes beauty . 12Feb2017 Suicide In the Snowy Moonlight Posted in creative writing , death , Depression , experiences , faith , healing , hope , mental illness , recovery , relapses , rememberance , strength , suicide , Uncategorized by pianowoman94 Seven years ago - February 12 , 2010 - was a day much like today : it was dark , dreary , and cold . Forecasters were calling for snow , and a thin layer of fog blanketed the sky , creating a palpable sense of heaviness and uneasiness . A perfect storm was brewing . For some people , the thought of someone actively trying to kill themselves is unfathomable - it goes against ever innate response in the human body . Our bodies try so hard to keep us alive , and , most of the time , doctors try to prolong life as long as possible . But sometimes our body 's will to survive can be overpowered by the brain : mind over matter , as some people would say . Those of you who know me , know my story . Those of you who don 't , reading any of my blog posts will fill you in on the events that lead up to my suicide attempt . This post is not the place . To be honest , I don 't remember much about the events leading up to and the moments immediately following my suicide attempt . Trying to recall them is like trying to remember the one movie you saw once a long time ago , and when you try to describe it to your friends you 're like , " You know that one movie with that one scene where such - and - such a thing happens , " and you start to get frustrated because you can see what happened but you can 't quite put it into words . It 's kind of like that . Or it 's kind of like the time you knock yourself out when you go sledding with your Youth Group and get a concussion : you can remember being at the top of the hill and then being back at the top of the hill , but everything in between is kind of fuzzy . I don 't remember writing the note , swallowing the pills , or even how many I took . I can 't even tell you how long I laid there before I threw the pills back up . Time has a way of being distorted : some moments seem like forever , and some seem like no time at all . It 's like that time I was raped , and it felt like I was lying there for hours , but in reality , it only took fifteen minutes . I don 't remember how long I laid on my bed . But I remember watching the snow fall outside my window ; the moon was bright that night , casting shadows of falling snow on the opposite wall . I remember feeling so heavy and so tired that I closed my eyes . I remember being jolted awake by a quiet whispering voice , like a gentle breeze on a hot summer day . " You 'll be ok . " ( if I ever get a tattoo , that will be the one . ) Eventually , they start bubbling up to the surface , threatening to pour out of your mouth at the wrong times . I remember the first person I told , and then the second . I remember sitting down in the teen room at my church with my Youth Pastor and a youth leader telling my parents , with the snow lightly falling outside . I have more questions than I have answers : Why did I get a second chance when so many others do not ? Why did this happen ? What was the point of all this ? Sometimes the guilt I feel for surviving when so many others do not makes it hard to get out of bed . Sometimes I feel like I don 't deserve a second chance ; maybe I 'll mess it up , but sometimes , I 'm ever so grateful . It 's been seven years since that night , and I 'm trying to make the most of every moment . I have faith that God has a marvelous plan for my future , one that I cannot even begin to comprehend . I try to remember my past because it makes me grateful for the moments I 've been given , the moments yet to come . It 's supposed to snow tonight . And I hope there 's a moon . Something about the way that the moonlight reflects off the snow making the night seem brighter than it should be is so beautiful . And because of these two things this weight loss journey has been tough . I 've started and restarted so many times . I 've stopped because I 've become discouraged and have seen myself falling into destructive patterns - skipping meals ( never a good idea because it 's so easy to fall back into that habit ) , hating how I looked ( causing me to push myself way harder than I should have ) . This time , though , it 's different . After struggling with my self - image and self - worth for so long , I 'm finally at that point where I am comfortable enough with who I am as a person that it doesn 't matter to me how I look . I know that doesn 't make sense , but hear me out . For as long as I can remember , I 've had a low opinion of myself - it started with bullying , and then got worse after I was raped . I started starving myself because I wanted to acontrol one thing in my life . It 's been a month since I started this journey . It 's been a month of sore muscles , burning lungs , unmotivated mornings , and days where I 'd rather do anything else . But , for the most part , ( minus a few days I took off for a leg injury ) , it 's been a month of five - day - workout weeks . It 's been a month of making healthy choices : choosing salads over microwaved burritos , drinking water over sugary drinks , taking more vegetables and less meat . But it 's also been a month of eating microwaved burritos , drinking sugary drinks , and eating meats . It 's been a month of limiting myself rather than denying myself . So far , I 've lost about 12 pounds , which may not seem like a lot , but to me , it 's huge . And it may not look like a lot , but I feel so much more confident than I have in ages . And isn 't that what this is all about anyway ? Our body 's natural instinct is life - it fights like hell to keep us alive . It 's the Fight or Flight Response in dangerous situations . It 's why you can 't manually strangle yourself because as soon as you pass out , your lungs will start breathing again . It 's why our lungs burn after holding our breath for too long as we dive down to the bottom of the pool . Depression is like a black hole - so thick and dense and gravity filled that no light , no anything can escape . I have days like that : days when it 's easier to lie in bed , when the weight of the expectations placed on me by myself and others is so heavy I feel like it 's compressing my chest , when the gravity of my past is heavier than my hopes for the future . On days like that , my mind is playing a tug - of - war game with my body . My mind wins for a while , but then my body kicks in - helping me put one foot in front of the other , shoveling food into my mouth , even though I tell myself I don 't deserve it ; helping me get dressed , pulling one arm through my shirt and then the other ; helping me get out of the house ; making me exercise , because even though I don 't want to do it , it 'll help me in the long run ; helping me do all the things I enjoy because maybe they 'll make me happy again . Our bodies try so hard to keep us alive . But on those days where my body is doing all the work and my mind is working so hard against it , I feel like a zombie , like I 'm going through the motions . I 'm physically present , but not all there - like a stranger me watching myself on TV . My body does all the work while my mind is dead weight . On the night I attempted suicide , my body was on auto - pilot . It 's like it was tired from fighting my mind every day , it just gave up . The time between going to bed and throwing the pills up is almost a complete blur . I remember bits and pieces : writing the note , swallowing the pills , the voice whispering , " You 'll be ok . " but it 's like I wasn 't in control . I was like a zombie being sucked in by a black hole , doomed to never escape , to be sucked in and pulled apart atom by atom . But then something - God , my inner instinct to survive , whatever you want to call it - kicked in . Some nights when the darkness is bad , I find myself being transported back to that school bathroom . I 'm transported back to when I was raped - feeling them touch my body all over again , hearing the words they whispered into my ear Slut , bitch , worthless . Sometimes I 'm transported back , and I 'm watching it unfold like it 's not happening to me , but there 's nothing I can do to stop it , which is worse . On the good days , the intrusive thoughts are hypotheticals : what if I ? What if I drove into a tree ? What if I jumped from this balcony ? What if I swallowed all these pills that fell into my hand ? What if I cut myself using this razor ? These are the at least I 'm still alive days . On the bad days , the intrusive thoughts are commands : do this . Sometimes they 're dares . Drive into a tree ( you won 't ) . Jump ( you won 't ) . Swallow these pills ( it 'll be fun ) . Cut yourself ( it 'll feel good ) . These are the zombie days . On the really good days , there are no intrusive thoughts . On the really good days , I am productive and happy and free . These are the few and far between days . I like to imagine that at some point instead of being all black and dense and gravity filled , that they change to light and sparse and zero gravity . And instead of being sucked in and ripped apart , you float and are put back together . Order to the chaos . Restortation to the destruction . Yang to the Yin . It started because of a video about Donald Trump . You know the one . The one he dubs " locker - room talk , " a " chat between guys . " But , in reality , it was more like the opening sequence of a sexual assault scene . But I had no real warning , no way to prepare myself . One minute , I was watching coverage on Hurricane Matthew , and the next I 'm listening to Donald Trump make a lewd , rapey comment . The only warning was " Next tonight , we have an audio tape of a conversation Donald Trump had about a woman , " which I guess in hindsight should have been enough . Two hours ago , the hour - long panic was a lot worse than it is now . Now it 's a dull ache , then it was a roaring freight train . It was feeling heavy and light all at the same time - like two wings trying to carry a boulder weighing a ton . And I know that doesn 't really make sense , but imagine how you feel when you have a fever , simultaneously feeling hot and cold at the same time . It was like that , but it was like my person was trying to fly , but my body was weighing it down . My mind was in the past but my body was in the present , and the disconnect between the two created a whole body tingling sensation underneath my skin of cement . And , oh my gosh , how I wanted to self - harm so badly last night . Because the sensation of a razor would have provided more physical pressure than tracing " I 'm ok " over and over again with my finger . But trace away I did - 130 times . But I 'm not crazy . I need something to ground me in the now . To remind my time - traveling mind that it 's safe with my body in the present . It 's 1 : 38 AM . Three and a half hours later , the panic is gone . Three and a half hours that I 'll never get back , where I could 've been sleeping . I was taught in school how to protect myself from rape . Don 't walk alone . Don 't walk alone at night . Don 't go out at night . Keep your body hidden . Don 't give them a reason . If the reason was turning him down when he asked me out , because he was a jerk , then yes , I gave him a reason . Maybe I gave him a reason because I was too quiet all the time , and too loud at the wrong times . And apparently , his friends decided I was the worst and decided to punish me too . And now I 'm stuck keeping it a secret because I don 't want the blaming questions . My job as a female is to do whatever the heck I want to do . I am not part of the " weaker sex . " And I may not be able to bench press as much as you men , but I know how to be strong . I may have wider hips , but I have a fighter 's stance . And I don 't want to hear these excuses about men having a voracious appetite for sex . The word appetite should only be used when talking about food . I am not food . Because one day in my first week of college , somebody said , " If someone hates himself so much they want to die , they 're better off dead . " And then , " If someone gets raped , they probably deserved it . " So I told my story , and then he had the audacity to defend the other guys ' actions . I 'm pretty sure the " Bros Before Hoes , " part of the Bro Code does not apply in this situation . Because he wasn 't justified , and I didn 't provoke . I was in the wrong place in the wrong time surrounded by the wrong people . And their touch is woven into the deepest part of my skin , and 8 years later , I still get shivers down my spine . I was told no one would love me , and I believed them , until I realized I have the most amazing friends . Guys tell one another , " You throw like a girl ! " Since when is being a girl an insult ? Some of the strongest people I know are women . Being a girl is not an insult . Depression is fickle , oxymoronic , persistent , and sneaky , boy , is it sneaky . It 's the best Con Artist , the Great Persuader , the Silent Terror . It cuddles up next to you in the middle of the night , convincing you that it 's your best friend , that it has your best interests at heart . It would never hurt you . It feeds you lies when you 're too weak from starving yourself to refuse , and as you 're wasting away , it feeds on your weakness . It convinces you that it can teach you to fly , and after you 've already jumped off the cliff , you realize the wings it gave you aren 't really wings at all . It doesn 't bother to help pick you up off the rocky ground at the bottom . All you want to do is sleep ; it won 't let you do that either , but it will make it impossible to get out of bed . It 's silent in the way that it sneaks up on you when you least expect it : you 're happy and giggly one moment and silent and moody in the next . But it 's oh so loud in the way that it rings in your ears over and over not - good - enough , not - good - enough , not - enough , and in the way it causes your heart to feel like it 's going to beat out of your chest in thesuddenly - called - on - in - class - but - weren 't - paying - attention anxious sort of way . I 've always been quiet . Being the oldest grandchild on my mother 's side and the oldest granddaughter on my father 's , I never really had to say much to get what I wanted . As I got older and younger sisters , and then younger cousins , came along , I never really grew out of my shell . I was content to stay on the sidelines , to wait to be asked if I wanted something ( to set up a game on my grandparent 's table and wait and wait and wait until someone asked me if I wanted to play ) . No , she 's just quiet . They said . She doesn 't talk . ( Eventually , after the first week , I said hello back and got to join my peers in Center Play ) . As I went on in my schooling , speech therapy and , eventually , counseling became weekly occurrences . Speech therapy , because despite knowing how to read before entering kindergarden , my tongue refused to pronounce certain letters and words correctly - namely , r and any word with an r and l in quick succession , like world or shoulder or soldier . Counseling because , despite what I thought , talking to people is necessary for friendships . I 'm working on it . But the years of speech therapy did not help with my mumbling , which I am acutely aware of because everytime I talk , my father asks if I 'm speaking Russian . I mumble because I get nervous - social anxiety , I think ( self - diagnosed ) - and not just nervous but like , heart - pounding - acutely aware of everyone looking at me nervous . It took swallowing pills to realize that depression is more than sadness . It 's more than self - harm and starvation . It 's life - threatening . And it needs to be talked about , without the taboo and stigma . Because it 's not an attitude problem . Those of us who are struggling can be as smiley and optimistic as those who aren 't suffering , but we can still feel like we just got punched in the gut . We can still want to die . But 6 years , 6 months , and 26 days ago , I was a different person . I 'm stronger now . I have the right resources and support systems in place to live with depression . I can talk about my past and what I 've been through - my rape , my eating disorder , my suicide attempt . I 'm not scared to look my past in the face and to show the beauty that has come from it . I 'm not afraid to use my story to help others . Intrusive thoughts are a lot less scary when you can have conversations with them : No , Fred . I will NOT drive headfirst into this tree . No , the fireworks would not be cool because it 's a burning car on fire , not the fourth of July . And , Shut up , Gertrude . I know there are about 20 Advil in my hand right now , but I only need two . I have a bad shoulder today , not a bad life . 22Aug2016 How To TipToe Around Depression Posted in creative writing , Depression , growth , healing , poetry , prose , Uncategorized by pianowoman94 Pick out your clothes the night before because mornings take too much effort . Change your mind two or three times while lying in bed , waiting for sleep to come . The next morning , try on every outfit you own that fits the occasion . Be happy with none of them . Wear the last outfit you try on because you are now running late . Set more alarms than is necessary for the morning : one which is the ideal time to get up , and one which is the last possible minute needed to get ready and just make it out the door in time . Hit snooze on all of them . Because , once again , mornings take too much effort . Decide one morning you don 't need to wear make - up because you 're beautiful anyway . Take a selfie to document the occasion . Freak out because your nose looks bigger than you remember it being . Contemplate getting a nose job . Talk yourself out of it because it 's permanent , and the finality of using a sticker is enough to stress you out . Breathe in . Hold it . Count to five . Breathe out , trying to slow your racing heart , which is only outpaced by your racing thoughts . Get bangs that cover your eyebrows . There are more important things to be worried about ( i . e . , everything ) than doing your eyebrows . Write down everything that happens on anything you can find : receipts in your wallet , iPhone notes , random scraps of paper found in the deepest recesses of your over - sized purse . Remember what it 's like to feel on your darkest days . Live to feel these things again . Wake up in the middle of the night needing to pee . Put it off until you can 't hold it any longer . You stumble half - asleep down the hall , past the stairs , avoiding looking down . You 're not scared of the dark . You 've come to accept it ; it 's the unknown human - like shadows that freak you out . When you wash your hands , avoid looking in the mirror above the sink . You don 't necessarily believe those ghost stories , but you 'd rather not find out . At 3 am , when you 're not fully awake , you look like a ghost of yourself anyway . Walk through your local cemetery . Take note of the gravestones : the startings and the endings ; the oldests and the youngests ; the epitaphs and the ones that say nothing . Wonder what yours will say - not in a macabre way , but in a " will I have accomplished what I wanted to accomplish " way . Make up stories of those buried there ( it 's a different form of people - watching , something you love to do ) . Your grandfather 's been dead for 10 and a half years . He 's been buried for a few months less than that . You haven 't yet visited his grave - you don 't handle death well . Become an English major . Worry that you ruined your life because " it 's not a practical degree . " Tell people you 're not a practical person . You follow your heart and not your head . You see the world in shades of grey , not black and white . Lie in bed at night thinking about every possible outcome to every possible scenario so you 're not surprised when they happen . Write dialogue for possible conversations in your head . That way , when you do work up the courage to speak , you don 't make a fool of yourself . Give names to your intrusive thoughts . Call them out when they fill your head with stupid ideas : " No , Fred . I will NOT drive headfirst into this tree . " " Shut up , Gertrude . I know there are about 20 Advil in my hand right now , but I only need two . " You are too busy trying to live to listen to those that drag you down . Remember you are not a walking billboard for depression . You are so much more than one word . You are smart , funny , kind , musical , and children and animals seem to like you . So , in the grand scheme of things , you can 't be that bad . Sleep with headphones playing nothing in . The crickets outside your window have been extra noisy lately . Depression needs silence to sleep . You 've discovered that after so many years of co - habitation , you do too . Set your alarm for the quietest setting you can . You are a light sleeper . Maybe if you can get ready and leave the house quickly and quietly , depression will stay sleeping . If it wakes up , it will chase you . It 's like a dog , but unlike a dog , there 's nothing cute about any of this . When you are struggling , call it out . Give it a name . Say , " Yes . I have Depression . But I am not Depression . I am a human who is living with it . I am strong . I am a fighter . I will not give up . " |
Isn 't it sad when the only new Christmas pictures you can post of your baby are these ? I miss you so much my little Kendra , especially now . We all miss you . You would have been 20 months old now . I wonder if you would have been sitting or crawling ? I don 't think you would have been walking yet but who knows ? I certainly don 't and I never will . I suppose it makes it easier to think that wherever you are now , you can run and skip and jump . I tell myself that when I am feeling sad , but the thing is I just don 't know . I have to believe that I will see you again or I will go mad with the sadness of it all . I just miss holding you right here and now . Empty arms . They feel so very empty sometimes . Your brother is visiting Ouma and Oupa and all your PE cousins at the moment so the house is very empty and quiet . I hope you are watching over him so he doesn 't miss us too much . I know he misses you a lot . Time to go before I get too sad . Ooops , too late ! I love you my baby . Merry Christmas . . . . you feel like you are really ok and are going to survive this . And then along comes Christmas . I am really not in the mood for Christmas this year . I have not done much shopping and am afraid my gifts are all going to be really sub - standard . I just cannot think what to get anyone . I keep thinking about last Christmas and Kendra being here . I have actually just been having a bad couple of days . We went camping this weekend and I really did enjoy it . Of course , like most family events I would keep thinking how it would have been different if Kendra had been there . Not better , not worse , just different . Then when I got back I had a bit of a downer , just a bad few days . Last night we went to dinner at a restaurant where we had been before with Kendra . And of all the tables there , Gathry wanted to sit at the table where we sat with her last time . He hadn 't remembered that we had last sat there with her and agreed to sit somewhere else when I said I didn 't want to sit there . Strange the things that affect one . We are going to PE to his family for Christmas . I know it is going to be a difficult Christmas without Kendra here but I suppose being away from home will be a bit of a distraction and Branston will enjoy being with his cousins . I probably won 't update again for a while so would like to wish everyone a merry Christmas and a great 2007 . For us , it just has to be better than 2006 . I would also like to wish Raichelle a happy birthday for yesterday and aunt Ethel for the 23rd . Remember Charli ? She also has Jacobsen Syndrome and is now almost a year old . She had to have a huge operation recently to change the shape of her head . Here is an extract from the letter her mom sent me . We have been keeping in touch as I am really interested in seeing how Charli develops . I think it will give me a bit of an idea of how Kendra may have developed . Although I think developmentally they were / are quite different . Initially I was also able to give her mom some support / guidance or basically share experiences but now I think she has progressed beyond needing that as Charli will soon be older than Kendra got to . Isn 't she gorgeous ? Before the operation . After the operation . Charli had her operation on Wed 8 / 11 to correct her craniosynostosis . It was a success and she is on the mend and we got to come home yesterday so she was out after 5 days but it was possibly the hardest thing I have ever been through . It was just so heartbreaking to see her so helpless and vulnerable and there was nothing I could do . Charli was admitted the day before and given platelet transfusions , then more during the surgery and afterwards . Besides a bit more than average blood loss ( she lost 1L and was given 2 transfusions ) it all went really well . She still has a lot of swelling and bruising but has good colour and no temps anymore . I was prepared to see a lot of swelling and bruising but nothing could have prepared me for how white she was , she was almost translucent . It gave us a big fright but that 's all over and done with now . I will send photos of her new little head . Originally they were just going to remove the strip of fused bone down the centre and 2 strips of bone from both sides of her head so that her brain would have more room to expand out . This would have meant that it would be a long time to see a result as her skull would have just grown around her brain shape . But amazingly the day of her surgery they decided to do the major op involving leaving the strip of fused bone and taking the 2 side plates and front platPosted by Kendra 's bench and plaque are ready ! The bench is in place . I have more photos which I will put up soon ( when blogger stops giving me problems ) . We must still go and attach the plaque . We put Kendra 's new website address on it which for the moment I will just link to the blog . But we still need to get hosting and find out how to link it etc etc and I don 't want to put the plaque up until that is done . We thought that it would be a good idea to put the website address on the plaque so that if people are curious about the gorgeous baby , they can go and read about her . We also want to maybe use the website later on to spread more information about special needs children and make people more aware of them . I hate that the only new photos I have to post here are of a grave and bench and plaque when I should be putting up photos of a nineteen month old baby girl . That sucks big time . Another cousin for Branston and Kendra . A big CONGRATULATIONS to my brother Ian and Sonja on the birth of little baby Savuti , born at 6 : 11am on 6 November ( interesting number combination - 6 : 11 on 6 / 11 ! ! ) . She was a healthy 3 . 28kg and is doing well . Sorry about the quality of the picture but they sent it to my phone and then I sent it via MMS to my mailbox . Another set of congratulations to Tertia for her appearance on Carte Blanche tonight . It was a very good piece . T , I know I said I would do a review of your book here and I most definitely will , soon , soon . The Special Needs group had a wonderful breakfast last weekend . It was great to have such good attendance . I did have a bit of a wobbly while holding Tammy 's baby but I don 't think anyone noticed as I passed her on very quickly and went to the loo to compose myself . She is 3 months old now and very cute . I think it was just the way she held my finger that brought back memories . I have been holding it together quite well lately , almost too well I sometimes feel . I have had to tell a few more people of her death and have managed to do it without getting all upset about it . I suppose that great big rip in my heart is forming scar tissue . I just worry sometimes that the scar tissue is not very strong yet and will rip open again . But we will cross that bridge when we get to it , in the meantime I am doing ok . Some pics of bench and plaque to follow . . . . Sorry for being such a terrible blogger . I just have not being feeling like writing anything lately . It seems like pretty much everything has already been said . I still have ups and downs . I don 't cry as much as I used to . I suppose that is a good thing . I need to get stuck into doing some more scrapbooking . I am having withdrawal symptoms . I think I will probably attend a class or 2 . The shopping centre near us has expanded and they have a new scrapping shop which is doing classes . Myself and Branston went for a walk around this new part of the centre yesterday and 9 people out of every 10 seemed to be carrying babies , generally girls . It was open season for babies . Now , generally I am ok with seeing babies but this was just so ' in your face ' that it was just a bit much . Especially when I had just been asked by the mother of one of Branston 's schoolfriends how my daughter was doing - ' She must be walking already ' . I really thought all of them knew but obviously not . I found though that it is getting easier to tell people even when it catches me by surprise . Slightly easier but not easy , if you know what I mean . I then went and dreamt last night of people asking me how she is . I think about 3 or 4 people asked me in my dream about her and I had to tell them what happened . Eventually it got a bit much . This whole decision of whether to have another baby is also getting to me . We have talked about it and Gathry is not that keen for his own reasons . I think that I do have a need to have another baby but that is just it - a need for a baby but not necessarily a need for a child . It is difficult to explain . On the one hand , I want Branston to have a brother or sister ( I actually don 't mind which ) but on the other hand , by the time they are old enough to play with him , he will be 10 or 11 and probably won 't be interested . I think about the expense and work involved in having another child . The things that I want to do that we would have to put on hold . The thought that I am nearly 40 and I will be in my fifties during thPosted by A big Happy Birthday to big brother Branston from Kendra . Branston thoroughly enjoyed his birthday weekend . He had a party on a farm with pony rides , quad bike rides and tractor rides . The theme was Pirates and all the kids dressed accordingly . Then he had 3 boys for a sleepover on Saturday night . Well , don 't think I 'll be doing that again in a hurry ! I have created a blog for Branston which is his very own - www . branstonmeiring . blogspot . com . I will be posting some photos of the birthday party there soon . I have been thinking that I need to focus on the present and future and stop thinking about the past and what could have been . Easier said than done , I know . And that does not mean that I want to forget about Kendra and that period of my life , but I cannot allow myself to dwell on it in a negative way or I will go mad . One of the moms at Branston 's party who I did not know said to me that she remembered me from some school do , I have a baby don 't I ? So I said ' Had a baby ' but of course she did not get it and proceeded to ask how old the baby was . I think she thought I meant that she was older now and no longer a baby , so of course I had to tell her . I think she felt worse than I did . It didn 't seem to upset me as much this time . I think I have been practising telling people in my head so that I don 't get caught off guard and can tell them more easily . I am busy sorting out the links on the right . Stay tuned for more blogs to be added . I just want to thank those who have left comments to my postings . I really do appreciate the support and it all helps , especially during a bad patch . Special thanks to Susan from VA . Thank you for still reading my blog . I think that reading what someone else is feeling who has been through the same thing often helps us to work through how we are feeling . I often read blogs of moms who have lost babies . Sometimes it makes me sad , other times I feel better . And whether the baby died at or before birth or later on , those feelings are all the same . Some of us are lucky enough to have morePosted by I am sorry for not doing any postings lately but I have nothing . I am empty . I don 't know what to say that hasn 't already been said . Been going through a bit of a bad patch lately . Will probably write about it sometime but not right now . It is Branston 's birthday on Monday and he is having a Pirates of the Caribbean themed party tomorrow . He is so excited . We were going to have it at home but decided not to since the house needs some fixing up . I am glad we made that decision as last year 's party was at home and Kendra was there so maybe it will be better elsewhere . I made this as a little something to wear close to my heart that makes me think of my baby . It is made of art clay silver and we ( a group of friends and I ) attended a half - day course and all made some lovely silver jewellery . Neat , hey ? Edited to add : Please note that the time on these posts is not the actual time . The server where these things are stored is in the USA or somewhere and it does not keep SA time . It is actually 5 : 30pm now . Another Saturday , another tricky question . I went to the hairdresser today for the first time in absolutely ages . I mentioned something about my son and she asked ' Do you only have the one ? ' I really didn 't feel like going into the whole story right then esp . with a total stranger . So I said yes . And then proceeded to feel really bad , as though I was denying her . So then I wanted to say ' Actually I have a daughter but she is in heaven now ' but she kind of started talking about other things and to other people so I just kept quiet but it affected me so badly I was having hot flushes and wondered how nobody could notice how emotional I had become . But I seem to be quite good at covering up and aside from slightly teary eyes I looked ok . Anyway , had a strong cup of tea and felt a bit better afterwards . Then I took Branston to a birthday party which was not too bad , I even played a bit of beach volleyball ( well , attempted to ) . Then I was chatting to a lady about birthday parties and she said " oh , for your daughter ? ' and I said ' no , my son ' . ' Oh , do you just have the one ? ' Well , what do you know . I think I just kind of changed the subject and moved off soon after that . Then the mother of the child whose birthday it was , had to express her sympathy and ask questions etc etc . and I could not get out of there fast enough . So , all in all a delightful day ! I have also had 2 dreams of Kendra in the past few days , after having only the one since she died . I was told to write down all the dreams I have of her in case I forget them so I hope you don 't mind if I tell you all as well . Sharing is healing so they say . Dream 1 : This is the dream I had about a week after she died . She was lying on our bed but I knew that she was dead . For some reason her body had not been cremated and was returned to us . Then she turned her head , opened her eyes and looked at me . Then I woke up . That was a very bad day . Dream 2 : I had this dream on Thursday morning . I had stayed home with a migraine and was trying to sleep it off . I dreamed I was shoppiPosted by How does one answer this question ? How is your baby ? Someone asked me this at a party this weekend . Obviously someone who does not know us very well . We see them every few months over dinner with lots of other people and talk is always general , not of a personal nature . I did not even know that they knew I had a baby . It knocked the wind right out of my sails . " Well , um , well , MY baby ? My daughter you mean ? Um , well you obviously don 't know . Um , she died in March this year . 5 months ago . Umm . . . . . . . . yeah . ' I have gone past the use of the phrase ' passed away ' . Why should I try and make it sound any different than it is . She died . Deal with it . We have to every day . Anyway , that was a bit of a conversation stopper . Although the others in the group I was standing in kind of covered up quite well with slightly high pitched light chatter , trying to cover up an awkward silence . I felt quite sorry for her , she did not know and why should she ? But that is the kind of thing that gets to you , these things that hit you out of the blue , when you are trying to just have a bit of a good time for a change . Also at this party was someone else who had a baby a week before I had Kendra . Her baby was there too , being ultra cute and walking around all over the show . Also quite tough . I am pretty sure that Kendra would not have been walking yet or even sitting for that matter . So it is difficult to look at another baby girl of the same age , yet maybe not as difficult as it might have been if I thought that Kendra could have been there playing with her , running around . We don 't know what she would have been doing at 16 months . Will never know . Spare a thought for baby Joseph 's family . They are going through a tough time at the moment and I think of them a lot . My heart aches for Carole and the whole family . Also some belated birthdays . I did not wish Rathla happy birthday because they do not have a computer at home so I doubt they will ever get to read this but anyway , someone can print it for him . . . . . HAPPY BIRTHDAY RATHLA ! ! ! ! ! ! Happy birPosted by Who are you ? I would really , really like to know who reads my blog . Even if you don 't want to tell me your real name , I am interested to know why you read what I write . I never thought I would ever write stuff that other people would want to read about . But here we are . Me writing and you reading , because of one little girl who is really being missed today , 5 months after she left us physically . But I felt really close to her today , like she was here with me , almost comforting me . No tears yet for the 24th but there is still bedtime . So please leave a comment , telling me who you are and why you read my blog . I would really like to hear from you all out there in blogland . Happy Birthday to Kayleigh ! Congratulations to Tammy , Dave and Connor on the birth of little Courtney . She is gorgeous ! I will put more pics on K . I . D . S group blog later . First of all , some pictures which I modified . I removed the background and just made it all one colour . Not too shabby if I say so myself . The top picture is of Kendra at about 1 1 / 2 weeks old on my mom 's arm . The second one is her foot with her brother 's . Also taken at the same time . I have been reading a number of blogs over lunch and in the evenings . I hope they don 't mind me mentioning them here . One of my favourites is a colleague and friend of mine , Tertia . Her blog , So Close , started off as her journey through infertility and was a way to express her feelings during this time . Now , after many , many sorrows and difficult paths , she has been blessed with a gorgeous set of twins . I read her blog because she is witty , insightful and basically tells it how she sees it . If swearing offends you then don 't read it , but I find it refreshing , plus there are pics of the beautiful babes in it . Tertia also suffered losses on her path to becoming a mom and it has been good to speak to someone who can identify with how I feel . I don 't know why I am so compelled to read blogs written by women who have recently lost babies , maybe it is that I can identify with how they feel . I read their blogs and think ' Yes ! that is exactly how I am feeling ! ' . Sometimes it can be a bit depressing and make me sad , but more than that I want to see how they are doing , not because I want to read about their suffering but because I want to see how they are coping . Sometimes they will have a very sad post , sometimes negative and sometimes hopeful . I like to sometimes leave a comment in the hopes that it will help a little but I know that there is not much that does . These are the ones I read most often : http : / / everythingisundercontrol . blogspot . com / http : / / missingspeedjr . blogspot . com / http : / / allaboutbabydrew . blogspot . com / http : / / thejourneyfromhere . spaces . live . com / ( This one is a bit different as the baby is not yet born . My heart just aches for that family . ) I also read about some very special little children with special needs . I love to read about tPosted by It 's hard to believe that a person can shed so many tears . It 's hard to believe that it 's only been 4 1 / 2 months . It 's hard to believe that the world can continue like nothing happened . It 's hard to believe that some people expect you to ' get over it ' . It 's hard to believe that I will never get over it . And I know I won 't . It 's hard to believe that the world was once sunny and bright . It seems very dull now . It 's hard to believe my little angel would have been 15 months old already . It 's hard to believe she is gone . It 's just hard , that 's all . I thought I would write about something else today . I watched a program on TV the other day about violence in schools . It scared me . How do you protect your child from other children at school ? It has gone beyond ' normal ' bullying and seems to be much more violent . I used to hear the odd story about a child that was stabbed on the Cape flats or somewhere else and I would think that something like that will never happen where I live . But it is happening all over . Middle class and more affluent areas are affected just as much as the so - called poorer areas . Branston is in a private school because we thought that he would have more opportunities , be more protected , have a better chance in life . But the kids in private schools generally have more money to spend on drugs and other things . I am not saying that all kids in private schools use drugs but you cannot say that there is less of it there than in public schools . I blame TV and movies for the violence . Ok , so we shouldn 't allow him to watch violent things but do you know how hard it is to find non - violent programs on TV ? Even cartoons are violent . I mean , are Tom and Jerry not always trying to beat each other up or eat each other ? On TV the heroes can get shot or thrown off a building and walk away from it . We always try and explain to Branston that the things he watches on TV are not real and he must not try anything like that at home . But what about other kids ? We have no control over them . It 's when I read these stories and others about murder and rape of young children that I start thinking maybe Kendra had the right idea . She is in a better place and will never risk being exposed to all these bad things . Don 't worry , I am not thinking of joining her and I do know that there is a lot of good in the world eg here . I do just worry sometimes about what is going on out there . Isn 't it strange how 4 months can seem like a lifetime ? 4 months is a third of a year , half a pregnancy ( well , mine anyway ) . On the one hand the year seems to have flown . I can 't believe it is the end of July already , yet the last 4 months seems like an eternity . 4 short , but oh so long , months since I held my baby in my arms . Today has not been a good day , as you may be able to tell . And then this evening , for the first time since AK ( after Kendra ) , Branston wanted to read to her when he did his reading homework . He used to do his reading while I gave her her bottle . So I took her picture down and put it on the table so that he could read to her . On a different note , we had a lovely holiday . We took 2 weeks off during the school holidays . For the first week we went to Sun City . This was a gift from some very kind people . You know who you are . We cannot thank you enough . It was great to get away and spend time together without worrying about buying milk , feeding animals , cleaning house etc . We were able to spend time together and get used to being a family of 3 again . Branston had a ball . So many new experiences for him . I did have a few moments of sadness when I saw people with babies but we kept pretty busy so there was no time to dwell on what could have been . It was a great week . The second week we spent at home painting Branston 's room - doing our own extreme makeover ! Well , not that extreme and we haven 't finished yet but it is looking qutie good if I say so myself . I don 't know if I have energy to do the rest of the house though , as is our intention . Painting is quite hard work , although rewarding . I am glad that we didn 't get around to doing up Kendra 's room yet as I don 't think I could have handled going into a room done up for her . She slept in our room and her clothes were in the study . I have started her scrapbook . I have only done 1 page and don 't really know what I am doing but it is interesting and I will learn as I go along . I will have to post some pictures of the pages as I finish them . I have been Posted by At long last Kendra 's plaque has been completed and she was finally laid to rest . Exactly 3 months to the day after she died . We ( just the family and the nanny ) went out yesterday morning so that we could place her ashes into the grave and have it sealed . The plaque / gravestone is beautiful . The picture of her came out really well . There isn 't really much more to say . Rest in peace , my beautiful baby . She was laid to rest on her granny 's birthday . Happy birthday Granny . And happy birthday to Grandpa for tomorrow . This is a picture of Kendra and Branston and their cousins from PE at Kendra 's christening . Today is a special girl 's birthday . Happy birthday Vangie . Sorry we did not phone you . I hope you had a super day . Another happy birthday goes to Oupa for tomorrow . Happy birthday Oupa . We hope you have a wonderful day . A while ago Susan and Michael left a comment on Kendra 's World saying that they were expecting a baby with Jacobsen Syndrome . I sent them an email but have not heard from them so do not know if they received it or not . If you did receive it then please let me know . I hope things are going ok with you and the baby . If not then please send me other details . I would love to contact you and share experiences and help you in any way I can . Please do not feel hesitant because Kendra is no longer with us . I really would like to hear from you . I miss you so much . I think of you all the time . Not an hour goes by when you are not in my thoughts . Is that wrong ? Is that obsessive ? Some might think so . Silly little things make me think of you . Whenever I use Spray and Cook on the pans when cooking I want to go and do it by the window because that is what I did when you were watching me cook . Whenever we go anywhere I keep thinking that I don 't have everything because I am not used to taking so little with me . With you here , it was nappies and bottles and changes of clothing etc . When I drive past Baby City and the other baby shops on the way to your brother 's school I still think of going in to buy you stuff . When my friends are all bleary eyed from lack of sleep because their baby is teething , I wish I could have no sleep for that reason . Or have to wake up at 6am after a party . Gosh , I really love my sleep and here I am wishing for less of it ! I don 't like it when people talk about hospitals and doctors because it makes me think of your last week . I was at a talk a few weeks ago where the speaker was a doctor and he was joking about heart monitors and flatlining and stuff . I almost left the room . I think I hyperventilated a bit . Nobody noticed , I don 't think . I keep thinking about the last time we made eye contact . You looked straight at me and I could see so much pain in your eyes , yet I couldn 't help you . I felt so powerless . Yet that helps me now sometimes because I know you are free of that pain , of any pain . At least you did not have to continue suffering . I sometimes wonder if you would have been sitting yet . You were very close . You were just starting to roll over nicely , with a bit of encouragement . We have been wondering if we should have another baby . I don 't know , Kendra , you are a hard act to follow . Nobody could take your place and I wouldn 't want anyone to . Time will tell . I must go to bed now , my angel . It is late . I can 't say I will dream of you because strangely I have only had one dream of you since that day . It was probably too upsetting fPosted by I found some pictures which I though would be nice to put up . Kendra with aunty Sonja , cousin Franci , and friends Amber and Hayden . She was loved by so many . Little Amber still talks to her and prays about her . Branston climbed into bed with us early ( very early ) this morning and started talking about her . Says his main memory is of her laughing . I am glad that he is talking about her more . We have not pushed him and have let him grieve in his own way . But children are so different to us . I think he will be ok . We will all be ok . I have been having quite a few downs of late and those feelings will never go away but we have to move on and concentrate on our lives . PS : Branston and Kendra want to wish their Ouma happy birthday for the other day . I wanted to do a posting on the day but it was a bit hectic ( emotionally ) last week . Today was not as bad as I thought it might be , but then I find that when you have prepared yourself for feeling bad , the reality is not as bad as what you were imagining . I went to a talk on ADD and ADHD children tonight ( apparently Branston 's problem ) . Firstly I was nervous because it started at about 7 : 30 and you know what happened at about that time 2 months ago . Secondly the main focus of the talk was about the effect of ADD on siblings . But I thought it might help to meet some people with similar problems and I also told Y that I would go with her . I think being amongst people helped me to try and switch my mind off and try and focus on something else . It was ok . Now I am trying to download my blog to make sure that I do not lose any of it and I also want to keep all the lovely comments that people have made . I don 't know . . . . . I followed instructions but it does not seem to want to work . The blog should come up with a different format and with all posts and comments together on one page . But that is not working . . . for now . It will probably come right in the night and look a total mess tomorrow . So just excuse it if it looks funny , I hope I can get it back to it 's proper state again afterwards . Tomorrow it will be 2 months since my baby died . I have been going through a bad patch where I just don 't feel up to posting . Even now , it is too difficult . I started seeing a grief counsellor . She says I am too calm . I said I have to work , look after Branston . If I start being ' not calm ' then I don 't think I will stop very easily . It feels almost like I am holding myself together with string . I just hope that string does not snap . Strange how 2 months can feel like a lifetime . This is a picture of my gran ( or Nanny as we used to call her ) with Branston when he was a baby . She passed away is September 2001 shortly before 9 / 11 . That was a bad September . First my gran passed away , then 9 / 11 , then Gathry had an accident and broke his collarbone then my brother and his wife were retrenched ( they were in the tourist industry in Botswana and after 9 / 11 it suffered big time ) . But now when I think of Nanny , I think of Kendra with her and I know that they are looking after each other . Happy Birthday for tomorrow Nanny . I know Mom has put some flowers next to your picture in her house and that your picture now shares a table with Kendra 's picture . I wish you could have been here to meet Kendra during her short stay with us but now she is with you . What a special day this was last year . I had 2 children then . Still do , but one is no longer here with us . I cannot hold her in my arms . But I cannot say that the day is not special either , my husband and son have gone to such trouble to make it special for me . So it is special , just in a different way . My son made me a card on the computer , from him , his dad and his sister . He also chose the gifts himself including a locket on a keyring with space for photos . He also gave me a picture which he coloured in which I know took a lot off effort as he does not finish things easily ( that is the topic of another day 's discussion ) . And we are going to the Moscow circus this afternoon , which took a lot out of Gathry , not because he does not like the circus , or that it was so expensive , but because he believes it is a bit of a ripoff at that price , plus he is missing the Grand Prix ! So I want to say , my darling Kendra , this is a special day but would be so much more special if you were here with us . I have really been missing you a lot these last few days . A lot . I took Branston to the doctor the other day and when we were paying , there was a lady in the waiting room holding a baby . It must have been about a month old . I so badly wanted to hold that baby , I think she must have thought I was a bit strange as I kept looking at the baby . Strange that seeing other babies did not seem to bother me too much before , now , just as I thought I was having lots of good days , I find myself looking at babies all the time and feeling really sad . I suppose it is part of the cycle of grieving but damn , it is hard . I also want to say happy mother 's day to my mom and Gathry 's mom , who no longer have mothers to phone today but I know that Kendra is with both her great grandmothers , keeping them company so none of them are alone today . I also want to say happy mother 's day to Tammy who has been through a really rough time lately with Connor in and out of hospital . I am thinking of you , my friend , and am sorry I have not been able to help you muPosted by This is Charli . She is almost 3 months old and also has Jacobsen Syndrome . Charli 's mom found us through Kendra 's blog but unfortunately only after Kendra had passed away . I wish . . . . . . . well , it would have been so nice to have the 2 of them grow up " together " and for us to compare notes about having a JS baby . They may never even have met because Charli lives in Australia , practically the other side of the world . I have asked Charli 's parents to keep me updated on how she does . She is the first baby with JS whose parents have corresponded with me ( the others have all been much older children ) and I am very interested in her progress . Charli 's breakpoint ( section of chromosome where breakage occurs ) is 25 , Kendra 's was 23 . They have many similarities , yet Charli seems to have more physical problems , but from what her mom said is progressing quite well with her milestones . Her blood platelets are extremely low as were Kendra 's although Kendra 's count did seem to come right after a while , only dropping when she was ill . So hopefully Charli 's count will also improve with time . The plates in the back of Charli 's head have fused prematurely which is a problem as she will require surgery to correct this . We were worried about Kendra 's head shape as well but she checked out ok . Charli also has ptosis of her left eye and they are still waiting to see what has to be done about that , possibly also patching . The physio is happy with Charli 's progress and says she has good muscle tone and should do well with a bit of physio . If there is anyone out there who wants to get in contact with Charli 's parents they can do so through me . They are very interested in corresponding with other JS baby parents . On a sad note , Kendra 's nanny finished working here yesterday . She has found a good job with a single mom who has a 3 month old boy . I am very happy for her but I think that may be part of why I have been so sad these last few days , much more emotional than usual . Cot is down , baby clothes and bottles and stuff packed away , now nanny gPosted by Yesterday at exactly 3 seconds and 2 minutes past 1am , if you put time first you had interesting sequence of numbers - 01 : 02 : 03 04 / 05 / 06 . This got me thinking about Kendra ( most things do ) and her birthdate . She was born at 1am ( ok maybe not exactly but thereabouts ) on 23 April 2005 which gives you 1 : 00 23 / 4 / 05 , or 12345 , another interesting sequence . She was also born on 23 / 4 and died on 24 / 3 . And for good measure , last year my birthday was on 05 / 05 / 05 . Interesting ! ! Speaking of which , today was a strange day . My plan , 2 months ago , was to take Kendra to the therapist at the Downs Syndrome school . We had an appointment for 9am after which there was to be a talk for all mums whose children attended the home program by a specialist of some sort . I was going to take Kendra 's nanny with . So I was planning to take the whole day off and just relax for the rest of my birthday . But now , it was just another day . I went to work as usual but could not help thinking about what my plans had been while driving to work . Not a good idea to drive and cry at the same time ! Luckily I got there without incident . But otherwise , my husband and son spoilt me with gifts and a lovely home made card . We are going out tonight so hopefully that will cheer me up . Although the weather is really lousy - huge storm going on out there - maybe it would be better to stay at home in bed ! By the way - HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY TO CARLA . On a more cheerful note than recent posts I would like to wish Ryan , a young man with cerebral palsy , a very happy 21st birthday . Please go to the KIDS blog for some pics and more info . When Sandy , Ryan 's mom , came to deliver the invite to Ryan 's birthday party to me she was very upset at being so happy when I was so sad . I just want to say to Sandy that you must not feel guilty at rejoicing while I am so sad . You must be proud of your family 's achievements . I am happy for you and you deserve to be able to celebrate this occasion . You have done an excellent job raising Ryan to be the best that he can be and he is a remarkable young man . Well done to all of you . It has been exactly 1 month since our Kendra left us . I think I may need a sleeping tablet tonight . A month ago at this time I was sitting in the hospital holding my baby for the last time and wondering how I was going to tell her brother that his little sister was gone . Hard to believe how much one can go through in a month . Yesterday was not too bad . We did some shopping , cleaned the house , went to the memorial park and had some friends over afterwards . I just want to say thank you to those who joined us at the park and to everyone who came around afterwards , even if only for a while . Your love and support mean a great deal . We changed our room around last week and took down the cot . It was hard . I still have not packed away all her clothes and other things like medicines and nappies etc . I suppose I should sometime , maybe this weekend . I also have to sort out photos to print and enlarge . Can you believe I don 't have any framed pictures of Kendra . I kept meaning to get around to it and never did . One thing I am glad that I did , and only a few weeks before she left us , was have Gathry take some nice black and white photos of Kendra and I . They are not digital but I will try and scan them in , there is one very nice one which I want to frame . I do not actually have many photos of her and I or of her and Gathry , more of her and Branston . Mostly we took pictures of her on her own , especially smiling ones . Someone said something interesting to me the other day . If you lose a spouse you are a widow or widower . If you lose your parents you are an orphan . What do you call parents who lose a child or children ? I am rambling now . I have to get up early tomorrow so I should try and get some sleep . I miss her so much . Tomorrow , 23 April 2006 , would have been Kendra 's first birthday . As a matter of fact we are now only 4 hours away from the exact time she was born . How well I remember that Friday night when my waters broke . Gathry was not at home and I got the first signs at about 7pm while watching Fear Factor . I thought I was surely imagining it , I was not packed ! It was 5 weeks too early ! My replacement at work was only starting in 2 weeks time ! But by about 9pm I knew for sure , phoned Gathry to get home quickly , packed a bag and by 2am the next morning Kendra was born . She had to immediately go into high care and since I had a caesarion section I only got to see her the next day when they organised a wheelchair to take me through to her . She looked very good for a baby born at 35 weeks . The doctor told us that she would need an operation to correct the positioning of her anus but otherwise she was quite healthy . I had problems getting her to feed initially and then 2 days after we took her home we had to take her back to the hospital for a week with jaundice and a blood infection . Once she recovered from that she started sucking well . Then of course we discovered the Jacobsen Syndrome and our lives were changed . In the beginning it was extremely difficult to take in the fact that our child was different and nobody could tell us exactly how different she would be in future . She could have just needed a little bit of extra coaching and been mainstreamed or it may have meant a special school . Now we will never know . It was an interesting year . We met some interesting people , made some new friends and I think changed our outlook on life quite a bit along the way . Between the operation , the eyepatches , the physio , the eating problems etc , she kept us quite busy . The last month has been quite a challenge and I have not done a post on the blog for quite a few days now as I have really not felt strong enough . There have been some really bad days and as quite a few people said , the worst was after the family had gone home and we triedPosted by A number of people have asked us for some info about the memorial park where Kendra was laid to rest . Last time I went there I took some pictures and here are the nicest . The memorial park is a fairly new trend in places to lay your loved ones to rest . It replaces the traditional cemetery where the graves are all placed in a row with big headstones . As the name implies they are trying to create more of a park atmosphere . There are private standalone ash graves like Kendra 's , as well as smaller ash graves in circles such as the picture above with all the roses . There is also an area for conventional graves but it is in the grass and no upright headstones are allowed , only plaques sunk into the grass . Only phase 1 has been completed so far . They are busy building a larger chapel ( we could not fit all our guests in the existing 1 for Kendra 's service , but we did have a large number of people attending ) , a crematorium and also a coffee shop . I do not know of another park like this in Cape Town , but I may be mistaken . I must say we have also received very good service from them . The phone number for the park is 021 975 5199 . And no , they did not pay me to advertise for them , but we felt that if we can help anyone out there with some advice then we would like to do that . When we were at the hospital , we were asked which funeral home we would like to use . Now what kind of a question is that for parents who have just lost their baby ? Obviously we do not keep the names of funeral parlours handy ! So they gave us the number of Avbob in Bellville . It was either there or in Maitland . So we thought that the one in Bellville would be nicer . Well , we were sadly mistaken . Firstly , if they had told us that the one in Bellville did not have a crematorium then we would probably have chosen the one in Maitland since she had to be sent there from Bellville anyway . Secondly , the one in Bellville was in a really crappy part of town . Going there was a horrible experience and I feel that if we had not received good advice from friends abouPosted by This poem was sent to me by Aunt Muriel . I cannot say for sure that it makes me feel any better at this moment , but it is very touching and sums up what a lot of people have been saying . " I 'll lend you for a little time a child of mine " He said " For you to love the while she lives , and mourn for when she 's dead . It may be 6 or 7 years , or twenty - two or three , But will you till I call her back , take care of her for Me : She 'll bring her charm to gladden you , and should her stay be brief , You 'll have her lovely memories as solace for your grief . I cannot promise she will stay , since all from earth return . But there are lessons taught down there , I want this child to learn . I 've looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true . And from the throngs that crowd life 's lanes , I have selected you . Now will you give her all your love nor think the labour vain . Nor hate Me when I come to call , to take her back again . " I fancied that I heard them say : " Dear Lord , Thy will be done . For all the joy Thy child shall bring , the risk of grief we 'll run . We 'll shelter her with tenderness , we 'll love her while we may . And for the happiness we 've known , forever grateful stay : But should the angels call for her much sooner than we planned , We 'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand . " A verse by Edgar Guest ( I used poetic license to change the gender of the child in the original verse ) . We are trying very hard to understand and feel that she was not sent for her to learn from us but for us to learn from her . She made an impact on many people 's lives , the most recent being a good friend of mine who ( for reasons we will not go into here ) was having problems coming to terms with and accepting her pregnancy . At the memorial service she says she had a total change of heart and feels completely different about her baby girl now . Kendra has given so much to so many people and yet she never said a word . She had a lovely laugh , which usually led to a bout of hiccups , and hardly ever cried . She just charmed everyone she came into contactPosted by A few people have asked if we have any charities to which we would like money to be donated instead of sending flowers . At the time we could not really think of any . But there is a lady in my support group who has established a trust to raise money for a centre for children with disabilities . If anyone would like to donate money to this worthy cause then go to the KIDS blog . You can maybe put Kendra and your name in the beneficiary space so that she knows where it comes from . Unfortunately this can only be done locally ( in SA ) , I am not sure how to go about it if anyone from another country wanted to donate money , maybe someone can help me out there . We are also thinking of establishing a Kendra Meiring trust fund to be used for helping special needs families in various ways , not conflicting with Sheila 's trust but to address different things . It will obviously take time to get this established which is why we cannot give you details just yet . I have held exactly 3 other babies since Kendra . It was not as hard as I thought it might be , perhaps because they were very unlike her . First was darling Connor who is 2 years old but is also a ' Holland ' baby like Kendra . He has Mytochondrial disorder which leaves him very much like a newborn . But he has a wonderful smile , a real little charmer . Holding him was very different to holding Kendra as he is much bigger but less advanced ito gross motor skills . Then on Saturday I held little Stephanie , a 4 week old baby . She is obviously much smaller than Kendra and still very much a ' new ' baby . Not so difficult . Then yesterday I held little Peter , a 19 month old boy . First thing he did when I took him was put his arms around me , his head on my shoulder and give me some lovies . Almost like he could sense I needed it . He has never done that to me before . That gave me a bit of a moment and it was so lovely to just cuddle him for a bit . But it was still not like holding Kendra therefore was not as painful as I thought it might be . If I held Kendra like that I would probably have been bitten for my troubles ! Of course it doesn 't matter how many babies I hold , none of them will ever be like Kendra . Some people might say I shouldn 't try and hold my friend 's babies as I am opening myself up to pain . Some might say it could be therapeutic . I don 't know . I just don 't want my friends to feel uncomfortable having their babies around me . Yes , sometimes it hurts a lot when they unwittingly make comments about being kept up all night or the like . But I also don 't want them to start having to think twice about what they say to me in case it hurts . These are things I have to go through sooner or later . Flowers which we have received laid out at home for this picture . Picture of Kendra in chapel . Kendra 's memorial service was beautiful . We were amazed by the number of people who attended . We estimated that there was more than 120 people there . We just want to say a big thank you to everyone who attended and to those who were unable to attend but whose thoughts were with us . The minister gave a lovely sermon and a friend sang 2 songs - The Rose and Candle in the wind - for us . We asked Janine to read our eulogy and she did a very good job . Neither of us would have been able to . Gathry 's mother said a few words - thank you Mom , what you said meant a lot . Kendra 's godmother also said a few words , thank you Yvonne . Then the family took Kendra 's ashes and some of her favourite toys down to the ash grave and said our last goodbyes . Everyone else joined us and the minister said a prayer . Kendra 's nanny then sang a final lullaby , which was very touching . Then everyone came and paid their respects to the family . Words cannot express what it meant to have all the people from various walks of our lives there . I know that for some who have also experienced losses themselves in the past few years , it was extremely difficult and I really appreciate that you were able to be there . As you can see from the picture above , we have received an awesome amount of flowers . That picture does not even have everything as some were left at the memorial park and some which arrived early had already wilted . I also want to thank everyone who helped in any way . You all know who you are , it would be impossible to list everyone . You all have a special place in our hearts . The service , as beautiful as it was , was obviously very difficult for us all . People have said that I was brave for not crying much but I think I was in a bit of a daze . I was just not able to cry . I think if I had started then that would have been the end of me . I hope I managed to speak to everyone there , if I did not get to you then I apologise . I have been keeping myself very Posted by First of all , I would like to say a BIG BIG thank you to everyone who has visited , phoned , sent an SMS , left a comment on the blog or just thought of us . Nothing can take the pain away but it really helps knowing that so many people out there are thinking of us , even people we don 't know . I know some people find it hard , not knowing what to say to us , but believe me , even a hug or a squeeze of the hand helps . I cannot reply to all comments left to my previous post but know that we have read all of them and each one has touched our hearts . We will be saying goodbye to our little angel on Thursday , although we know she will never be far from us . We have found a lovely memorial park in Durbanville . Here are the details . Date : Thursday 30 March 2006Time : 2 : 30pmWhere : Durbanville Memorial Park , Cnr Klipheuwel / Darwin Road , Durbanville . ( From Durban Road turn into Wellington Road towards Klipheuwel and drive for about 3km . Park is on the right , just past Corobrik ) Please wear happy colours . We will be celebrating her life and not mourning her passing so although many tears will be shed we would like it to be as bright a day as possible . This is the most difficult post I have had to do . On Friday evening ( 24 March 2006 ) at 11 months and 1 day old , my little angel left this earth . Sweet Kendra had been ill since Tuesday and was in ICU . Her little heart could no longer take the strain and gave up the struggle on Friday evening . If you can measure a person 's worth by how many tears have been shed for them then Kendra was worth a lot . I will give you more information when I am more up to it . We still have to finalise details of memorial service etc . Thank you to everyone who has been there for us in these last few days . This is Kendra having her first taste of pawpaw . Don 't think she liked it very much ! We have not been very adventurous with our eating since then . It is difficult enough just getting her to eat her purity at mealtimes . Somedays she will eat ( with some persuasion ) and others she just refuses . She has also gone off her breakfast cereal . I have tried some different types of porridge but she is not terribly interested . It has been a while since the last update , my apologies , things have been a bit hectic . Last week we went to see some professor at Panorama medi - clinic . The paediatrician got us to have Kendra 's head x - rayed and said we should take the xrays to him . She was a bit concerned about the head shape and the fontanelles . The prof . had a look and he says everything is fine , there is nothing to worry about . She has slight indentations on the side of her head which he says may have something to do with the Ptosis ( eye not opening ) . He says that we should speak to the neurologist next time we see her about maybe doing a brain scan just to make sure everything is ok there but he says that we don 't have to rush into it . Also took K to physio again last week . We are now concentrating on getting her fingers to open more and trying to flatten her hands and put some pressure on her arms as she is a little concerned about them . I need to find a mat like they use at physio as K rolls to the side much easier on the mat than on the mattress at home . I think they are quite expensive though . I must get a list of suppliers from Petra ( physio ) . This coming week we have an appointment to have K 's eyes checked out again . We have been patching now for about 6 months and I think we will still have to for quite a while longer as the eyes are still not focussing . We will also be going to see someone at Chere Botha 's school for the disabled . Hopefully she will be able to give us some guidelines on how to improve K 's general development . The physio suggested that we see an OT ( Occupational Therapist ) as well so that appointment is for tPosted by Ten months old today ! ! Wow , time does fly . I was still telling people she 's 9 months old and now its the end of April already . I took K for her measles injection on Monday . She was a real star . A bit of face pulling and almost crying but it was over in a wink . Her constipation has been causing her more problems than some silly little needle . Had to do some serious poop - pushing at the clinic ie . the sister helped me to help K to relieve herself a bit . I had to go and get some suppositories which helped a lot . On Thursday last week I had to take her to the doctor as she had not drunk her milk for 2 days , though she was eating her solids and drinking tea . Yup , you guessed it , her tonsils have flared up again . More antibiotics which is what seems to have aggravated the constipation . Ok , enough about her toilet habits , I realise not everyone is as interested as me in how often K poops ! ! I was looking at some developmental milestones in a book today and thought I would share how K fits in with them . These are just gross movement milestones . She has reached most of the 3 - 6 month milestones ie follows moving objects with eyes , brings both hands together , smiles in response to your smiles , lifts her head ( still kinda wobbly though ) and pushes herself up on her hands when on her tummy . She has not really achieved rolling over though or sitting without support . Lying on her back she does kick a lot and plays with her feet . Lately she rolls more to the side but never onto her tummy . 6 - 9 months : Baby should be able to hold head upright in sitting position ( yes but still wobbly sometimes ) and sit with minimal support ( no , needs a fair amount of support but getting noticeably stronger ) . Can keep head level when pulled to a sitting position ( yes ) Stand on both feet with support ( yes ! she loves to stand and does so very well ) Feed herself with finger food ( no , her mouth is quite sensitive and she is only just getting used to the 2nd level of Purity foods . The sister at the clinic says I need to try her on homemade and finger food so Posted by Kendra seems to have gotten over her tonsillitis for the moment . Hopefully it will stay away . I have my doubts though . I think it is one of the things she is prone to and with her teething in full swing it will probably come back again . She wasn 't very happy tonight but I think that was her tummy . In terms of her development K is doing very well . When we went to the physio last week she was very happy with her improvement . Her legs especially have become much stronger . And if you hold her hands and pull her up , she first lifts her legs and then pulls from her side . She has also taken to straightening out so that she is standing when you do this . Still a little wobbly but standing nonetheless . We just have to work on getting her to flatten her feet as she likes to curl her toes inwards whenever anything touches under her feet . Another thing we have to work on is getting her to put weight on her arms . Like when she sits ( with help ) we have to put her arms to the front so that she can lean on them . Also have to get her to open her fingers when doing this but that is quite difficult as she prefers to clench her fists . But she is holding things now and transferring from hand to hand which I am very pleased about . She will hold a rattle and move her arm around quite vigorously whenever she feels it in her hand . Knocking herself on the head a few times as well , so we give her the smaller rattles like the plastic keyrings , so she is less likely to knock herself out ( kidding , just makes herself cry ) . I am busy setting up a blog for the special needs group as well . We met last week and it was nice to see those that were there again after a long Christmas break . Every time I go I seem to learn something , whether it is some sort of treatment someone is using or the name of a good doctor or something . But I also leave feeling that there is so much I need to know and so much that these seasoned moms can teach me that 1 hour a month is just not enough . I am hoping that this special needs group blog will help with that as people Posted by Kendra has tonsillitis again . Took her to the doctor on Thursday with a bit of a temperature . She gave us a different antibiotic which Kendra seemed to like at first but lo and behold , after the second taste she decided she hates it . But I have tricked her , I now put about 50ml of her milk into a separate bottle and put the meds in that . Works like a bomb . This antibiotic upsets her tummy quite a bit so now she has the runs , which makes a bit of a change from constipation I suppose . She did not have a good night last night and is still not very happy today . A bit feverish . We tried to get a urine sample the other day so that we can test for bladder infection but those bags don 't seem to work very well on her . No luck ! Anyway we will see how she is later today . If she is still hot , I will have to contact the doctor again . I have added a link to an article written by a mother of a Downs syndrome child called ' Welcome to Holland ' . You must read it . Excellent way of looking at having a special needs child . At last , some long awaited pics . I think they speak for themselves . Some of Kendra at her baptism , smiley Kendra and Kendra with Mommy and brother . Kendra is 9 months old today . She is progressing well , just slowly . More of an update on her progress next time , just wanted to put photos on for now . Kendra has recovered well from her tonsillitis . Although getting the new antibiotics into her was a mission , we managed somehow . This week we took the docs advice and tried using the Nan formula again . No luck . Even on 1 bottle of Nan a day she started getting cramps ( esp . in the evenings ) again . The last 2 nights I have really struggled to get her to sleep . V miserable . Both of us . I think we are going to have to stick to the soy formula for now . It is quite a dilemma as she should not be dependent on laxatives but on the soy formula she needs them . So it is either a happy , constipated baby or an unhappy , regular baby . Any advice would be welcome . Otherwise she is doing very well . Her interaction with her family is a joy to see esp . with her big boet ( brother ) . Her face actually lights up when he comes into her line of vision or if she hears him . My favourite time with her is in the morning when she has just woken up . She lies in her cot quietly until one of us comes over to her and says good morning , then we get the biggest smile . Love it ! ! I haven 't been able to put any more pics on yet as our home PC is not yet fixed and I need to download from the camera . Soon though . Well , long time no blog ! Our home computer is not working any more so I have not been able to do a post for a while . We had a great holiday , just far too short . Kendra travelled extremely well . Both her and Branston were very little trouble at all on both the trips there and back . The family was very happy to see Kendra and how she has progressed . I did not stress too much about her eating solids while on holiday and once we were back home I changed her breakfast cereal and she has started eating really nicely now . She is on breakfast and lunch and I will soon start her on supper as well . I have been reading up on the 11q conferences in Europe and USA and they sound really good to go to . This year there is one in San Diego and I would love to go to that but am not sure that we will be able to , financially . It must be really nice to meet other families in the same boat . Kendra has tonsillitis . She had a fever this morning and I took her to the doctor who said it is her tonsils . She hasn 't needed to go to the paediatrician for ages and we went back to the doctor who looked after her while she was in hospital in her first month . It was nice for the Dr to see how much she has grown and she is very impressed with her progress . So she is on a stronger antibiotic than before as well as panado . I was given Ponstel to give her for fever but Kendra is not interested in it . When she sets her mind to not drinking something , you can stand on your head but she will not drink it . She now weighs 7 . 9kg . We are still patching her eyes although I am very irritated that I can no longer find the eye patches which I was using . They are no longer importing them and I cannot find any others like them . Now I have to buy tape and cut them out myself , which does work out a lot cheaper so it is not all bad . I will put some more pics up soon . Must just get the PC working . I am Kendra 's mom and I maintain 2 blogs , this profile appearing on both . Kendra was and is my little angel . She was born on 23 April 2005 and lived till 24 March 2006 . She had Jacobson Syndrome which means that she had a piece of her 11th chromosome missing . Kendra 's World is the blog of her life and thereafter . KIDS support group is the blog of the special needs support group which I joined because of her . |
" And that is why you use soap " Daddy has discovered that he enjoys puppet play . For the first few times it seemed like daddy enjoyed them more than she did , but tonight she seems very interested in it . I think she sometimes get confused on where she should look because she sees the puppet mouth moving , but also hears & sees daddy moving his mouth . I think daddy enjoys listening to himself make up stories . She has a couple bath time puppets & some dry playtime puppets as well . " You be quiet , I want to talk . " As I type this I can her daddy and Isabel talking and singing " lalalalala " . Isabel has been in a fantastic mood all day . If we get snowed in here , I hope that fantastic mood continues . There wll be a rummage sale sponsored by the Owatonna ECFE next weekend at Roosevelt School that will have kids toys , clothes , & maternity clothes , books , etc . It will be om Friday ( March 9th ) from 4 - 7pm and Saturday ( March 10th ) from 8am - 12pm . I think Isabel & I will go check it out right away on Friday evening . I don 't have any immediate needs for her , but you never know what you will find . I think the other kids at swim class must think Isabek is a show - off or something . We would work with her on the different things , including dunking under water , and all the other parents would say " Look , the baby 's doing it ! " Trying to convince their 2 or 3 year old to go under the water ( especially that one ) 0r swim assisted across the pool , etc . Isabel doesn 't know any different and just does what we have her do , no cries . Maybe because of this early exposure to swimming she won 't be afraid like some of the other kids when she gets to be 2 or 3 . She even dunked under the water a 3rd time last night because my co - workers little girl said she would watch Isabel do it again & then do it herself ( she didn 't . ) Tonight is the last night of swim classes for this session . Hopefully , we have a good time . Last night at ECFE class she had a great time . She played really hard the entire time and just exhausted herself . We still have 3 more ECFE classes for this term . Rattle & ShakeAt least I can tell her that her butt was dimply when she was born and it 's not cellulite . I apologize to her all the time for giving her that hereditary trait . Mom Thinks This is Cute . . . . Does she know how much I will be embarrassed if I ever see these pictures when I get older ? We stayed inside all weekend . We didn 't get as much snow as some , but between ice , wind , cold & snow it was just smarter to stay inside . Daddy is Helping Me StandShe was such a good napper today . It 's almost supper time , so I don 't have long to post . She 's been in a really good mood all day today . It 's weird today because we have so much ice covering everything . All of our windows to the east are covered with ice , so it 's like looking at those privacy windows that let in light but no one can see through . It started snowing about an hour ago , which isn 't good on top of all the ice . If only we could remain this flexible . When I was changing her diaper she kept bringing her feet to her mouth . I thought I would take a picture of it because someday she might not believe me that she was that flexible . Funny baby . I Spy a Kitty . We had picked up some placemats at Wal - Mart . This one is numbers ( obviously ) , the other two are of dinosaurs and the alphabet . She loves looking at them and will take them off the table and look at them and also try to eat them . New Way of Eating Check out the position of her mouth . She put those new teeth to work and bring her puff snacks and cereal or just about anything to the front of her mouth so she can chew them with her teeth . It 's very cute to watch her eat and figure out her new teeth . She 's 40 weeks old today . I haven 't gotten around yet to taking her weekly picture . She 's napping right now , so maybe later . Blach , blah , blah . . . . . . She loves this Baby Faces book . I got in from the library book sale . It must have been a donated book because it was not one with a library code on it . Anyways , she loves it and she you take it out to read to her , she reads to you . She lays back on your chest and just talks through the entire time you turn the pages . She has started talking a lot while I read to her , but this one she just takes over on . So Excited About Reading She has really been enjoying looking at the pictures . She still likes to try and eat books , but now she likes to look at the pictures too . She is starting to be more of a cuddler now . She likes to cuddle a little bit when I first get her out of bed and if she starts getting sleepy she likes to cuddle , or if I read her some stories ( sometimes she is a cuddler , sometimes she is not . ) She was just relaxing with dad and reading while I finished getting ready . He 's still in his jammies . Posted by Weight : 20 pounds , 14 ounces Her weight puts her at the 83rd percentile . She gained just over a pound in the last month . Her head circumference is also in the 80th percentile . This doctor visit was pretty short once the doctor got in there . Everything looks good & normal . Next time we go to the doctor is for her 1 year appointment and then she will get two shots and they also have to draw blood to do blood tests . Length : 30 . 5 inches That gives her a growth of a half inch within the last 2 weeks . That must be her 9 month growth spurt . I 'll have to measure her length again next week to see if it jumps up anymore like that . Obviously she is off the charts on her length . Comparison : Mommy : At 10 months , mommy weighted 20 pounds 3 ounces and was 28 . 25 inches long . Daddy : At 9 months , daddy weighed 22 . 5 pounds and was 30 inches long . Isabel : Well , obviously she is longer than both of us at 9 months of age , She weighs more than mommy did at 10 months , but considering she is at least 2 . 25 inches longers it seems right . It 's interesting that she has now surpassed daddy in her length . Up until this point she was always just a little shorter but kept growing fast to catch up . Tomorrow is her Gramps 's birthday . HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRAMPS ! They always read the blog in the morning , so the stuff they see is from the previous day , so if I type Happy Birthday today then he will read it at the appropriate time . Now , keep in mind in these pictures they are not the actual size they were at birth . But look at the little toes . I have this " kit " that I was supposed to make footprints or handprints with and then they go in a frame with her picture . I tried doing the footprint thing and it didn 't take very well . Then I got the bright idea to scan in the prints made at her actual birth and have those made into photos . A little bit of photoshop work and several copies printed off to make sure I had made them the actual size and I had beautiful footprint photos to hang in the frame with a picture from her birth . So , how did I get this open before ? It is so hard to believe it has been 9 months already . When everyone tells you that times goes by fast , you just don 't understand because you are just waiting for them to stop crying so you can get some sleep . But now it just seem like the days just coast on by . Tetris on my cell phone is so much fun ! She got her 6th tooth today . The corresponding top one . I don 't see any others coming in yet , but who knows when those other bottom two will pop on out . She was pretty cranky last night and today and I knew that it had to be cutting through . Although , so far , she has handled getting her six teeth in much more pleasantly than others have described it . Knock on wood ! Daddy 's Home ! I took this picture of her just as daddy was walking in the door and she saw him . Tonight he came to swim class with us and came in the water with us too . She was loving all the attention from both of us and kept paddling her arms ( so much more than ever before ) to get to each of us . We tired her out . Hopefully she sleeps well tonight ( last night she got me up 3 times , which she had not done in a few weeks ) . She always seems to sleep well on swim class nights . Daddy , how did you get so tall ? He was standing above her and she was just staring up at him in awe . Next week is our last week of swim classes for this session . I don 't know if they are offering any other classes in the next few months . We may have to wait until summer to take classes again . At least we have the water park wristbands we can use some afternoons and we will go swimming ( if the weather is cooperative ) when we go to Texas for a vacation at the end of March . Thursday is her check - up w / her doctor . So , then we will get a nine month weight and length . Friday is her Gramps 's birthday . And Sunday her grandma and grandpa and cousin Travis are coming to babysit her in the afternoon so that mommy & daddy can go see a play at the local theater . Happy , Smiling Baby We had a full schedule for her today with mommy having the day off work for President 's Day . She was supposed to have her picture taken in the morning , then a playdate , and then a relaxed afternoon . Well , she took a long morning nap through her picture appointment , so we re - scheduled for this afternoon after her afternoon nap . And her playdate has the flu , so that was cancelled . It 's all ok though . We were just going with the flow today . This was the first time she didn 't get upset and cry when we went to a portrait studio . I was a little frustrated that they once again changed the package type / size . It was much smaller and I didn 't have enough of the right size pictures to give out . I 'll have to make some minor adjustments . They also had a special going on for 20 picture cards for $ 10 . I asked how big the picture is on the card and they said it was about a 3 . 5x5 . . . . Hmmmm . . . . just the size I was going to get more of , but I was only going to get 4 of that size for $ 10 . I mentioned this to the lady and she said I was the 2nd person to figure that out , but that most didn 't . So , I ordered the package of the " first " pose and ordered cards of another pose . It 's weird how they do the " pose " thing , but I work with it . We got some nice smiling pictures this time . I am glad she broke out of the " I 'm Serious Baby " thing . She was probably not smiling much for a while because of her teeth coming in . Speaking of teeth - - I forgot to mention yesterday that she got in her 5th tooth . This one is the 2nd one on the top left . The corresponding right one will be following shortly I am sure . The outfit she is wearing is what she wore for pictures . I was a little worried that she would get it dirty since I put her in it first things this morning and out appointment wasn 't until 3pm . Reach I just felt like taking some close - ups . Sometimes it 's nice to see the little detail in their hands and face . Just Looking She has beautiful long eyelashes . Perhaps from mommy ? Chicken NuggetsWe met Auntie Razz & Uncle Shane at the nearby Rock ' n ' Roll McDonald 's for lunch today . She had her first chicken nuggets and liked them , plus she had fries again and some of dad 's vanilla shake . We were in the play land side , but the other side has a bunch of rock - n - roll memorabilia in it . Kinda neat . They have a little slide there for toddlers . It was just big enough that I could put her at the top and lean grabs her hands as she slid down . The rest of the stuff in the play land will be fun for her in a couple of years . Last night I gave her some leftover Tombstone pizza . The crust gets soft when you reheat it in the mirowave - - so that worked out well . It had pepperoni on it and she liked it just fine . Yesterday at breakfast , we tried pancakes again . It was the same pancakes I tried last time . This time she was loving it , where last time she didn 't care for it . And today for breakfast I made crockpot apple cinnamon oatmeal ( w / whipped topping ) and she really wanted to share mine with me . She liked it just fine . Although she did learn that the middle is warmer than the outside . She likes to touch her food now and was touching the outside and then decided to shove her hand in the middle . It wasn 't hot , just a little warm , but enough that it scared her a little . It 's nice that she is really wanting to eat stuff that we do . In the morning she also likes to share pieces of my bagel w / cream cheese with me . Baby Toys On the happy meal bag it said that toys for kids under 3 were available upon special request . So , I sent daddy to exchange out toy . They should have seen that we had a baby and offered that right away - - but the guy was an idiot that took our order . I took this picture just as we were leaving . She was very pleased with her new toy . I am glad they offer baby toys because she was trying to get at the other toy and I didn 't want her to have it . Speaking of rock - n - roll . . . . . she 's still not crawling , but this morning she rolled over halfway across the living room to get from where she was sitting ovPosted by What Do You Get When You Cross a Turtle w / a Duck ? She got these set of big turtle and three little turtles as Valentine 's present from her grams and gramps . She likes to set all different toys on top of the big turtle . She tries to eat the big turtles face , since she can 't really get it in her mouth like the others . Mmmm ! Turtle Head ! She was super excited when I first opened it and the baby turtle went straight in the mouth . The problem is that there are 3 baby turtles and she only has one mouth . She was playing with it in the living room last night ( before we brought it upstairs for bath time . ) She got super pissed when we tried taking them away from her . This girl could possibly throw some wicked tantrums when she gets older . I Love Taking a Bath . She loves taking a bath , but it the getting ready for bed that she 's not that fond of . It 's not all that fun to get jammies on and she is so tired . She goes to bed around 6 : 30pm on the average night and will normally sleep between 11 - 12 hours . The last couple of nights she has slept 12 . 5 hours and also added some extra time to her nap ( s ) as well . I was trying to find if babies sleep more during growth spurts or what . She is 9 months this week , another growth spurt time and she hasn 't gone through it ( as of my measurements on the 7th ) yet . From what I have been reading , then get fussier - which she certainly has this week , but her sleep has also increased and it 's been good sleep ( so far ! ) So , who knows . We have her 9 month doctor appointment this week Thursday . I 'll see what she says . Say Cheese ! We had Auntie Razz help us with the bedtime routine . This is what her night looks like ona normal night : 5pm - Dinner , 5 : 15 Play in Room / Crib , 5 : 30 Bath , 5 : 45 Lotion ; Jammies ; Diaper ; Brush Hair ; Brush Teeth , 6 : 00 : Nurse , 6 : 30 : Asleep in CribSo , Auntie Razz played with her . Isabel seems to like her and she makes her smile , so she seemed to have fun playing with her . Auntie Razz is pregnant with her first so we were just walking her through what we do . This One is Yellow . We were in the area about learning about the body , genes , and nutrition . I am not sure what the blocks were there for , but she liked pounding them and putting them in and out of the box . This One is Red . They has had boxes of play food there , but when she saw those she immediately would spit out her pacifier and try to stick them in her mouth , so block play it is ! How Come None of these Look Like Me ? They had a little play area in the Race Exhibit . This was the special exhibit that I wanted to see . I certainly did not learn as much while having Isabel with . By time we got to the Race Exhibit she really wanted to get out of the stroller and play and move around . So , I carried her and she seemed super excited about every area we moved to within the exhibit . I was glad they had a little kids play area ni that exhibit . I tried finding one that would look like her or her friend Luis , but no such luck . No blond hair white women or girls or any Hispanics at all . So , What You 're Saying is Race is a Relatively New Concept . I really wish I could have read more of the items in the exhibit . It was really interesting , but she was getting really restless . We were smart and went there in the morning . By the time we left in the afternoon , parking spots were at a premium and our spot was very desirable . All Smiles . As soon as we got in the car and were ready to go she just got silly and was all smiles . That 's Funny . It was like she was purposely fake yawning to make me yawn and then she would laugh about it when I started yawning . But then it got the best of her and she would end up really yawning too . She thought it was hilarious though . Good picture of her top teeth here . Yawning Contest w / Mom . I can 't even type up this post without looking at the picture of her yawning and yawning myself . Can you look at the picture and not fight back the urge to yawn ? I Look So Cute Today ! It 's so hard to believe that she is going to be 9 months already ( Tuesday ) . She 's still not crawling , but she gets where she needs / wants to by scooting on her butt , rolling all over the places , or push herself backward with her arms , Oh ! And screaming loudly to be picked up if nothing else is helping her . I Have Visitors This Weekend ! Her Auntie Razz and Uncle Shane are here visiting this weekend . They babysat her last night so that mommy & daddy could go out . Today we all plan to go to the Science Museum . The outfit she is wearing today is a Christmas present from Auntie Razz & Unce Shane . It 's a little big on her , but Auntie Razz really wanted to see her in it . It has a leoprint caplet that goes with it as well . How Did You Get That Duck in There ? She won 't smile on command for me anymore . I thought it was the old camera she liked , but that didn 't make her smile . It is this yellow block with the duck noises that she can resist anymore . It quacks ans she loves it . I am bringing this along on Monday for pictures . She got a new valentine 's sweater from mom & dad . It is very cute on her . I thought she would play with the fringe , but not really . She got valentine 's at daycare with lots of treats that she can 't eat but mom & dad can . I made homemade valentine 's from her for daycare , daddy , & grandparents . I thought they were nice . She got a valentine in the mail from grandma and granpa and chewed the ears off the bear . Silly girl . Her valentine from grams and gramps is coming with her Auntie Razz & Uncle Shane who are coming to visit this weekend . They are going to babysit one night so mommy & daddy can go hang out . Apparently her little boyfriend at daycare was giving her lots of kisses today . The daycare lady took lots of pictures of them and showed them to me this afternoon . I asked her to get me a copy of the one where they are both kissing each other . I 'll have to scan that in for all to see . Happy Belated Birthday to Uncle J ! Here she is getting ready to go to swim class . The locker room situation is less than ideal , so we just get out suits on at home and put clothes over than and go there . The hotel is only a couple miles away , so it 's fine . We do change out of our wet suits there . Tonight she was squeling with delight once we got there and got in the water . She has never done that before . So , it was pretty neat to see that she enjoys being there . The water was warm tonight and we had a good time . ECFE class was fine last night . She fell asleep in my ams before it was over . I was worried about trying to get her back to sleep once we got home , but she did fine with it . I am thinking it may not have been eczema , but I am not a doctor , so what do I know . We started using hypoallergenic soap & lotion ( & lotioning every day ) and now the dry spots seem to be going away and she isn 't getting red much . So , maybe it was just irritation to her dry skin . I know I have had some really dry skin and what looked like rash after I got out of the tub too . I seem even more particularly dry this winter . Posted by After Skye had posted about this being about the time she gave one of her boys frie for the first time , I had to try . We had fries from Mickey D 's on Tuesday and today she went out for lunch with mom & dad to El Tequila and well , she had fries . There wasn 't much on the menu that we thought she would be interested in . Daddy gave her some guacamole , but she didn 't like that . But she does like the fries . Tonight she had some Gerbers Graduate Beef & Tomato Ravioli . It was on sale at Target , we though we would pick one up and try it out . She loves it . She did really good with her naps this weekend . We also bought a new diaper pail . Daddy couldn 't handle the old one . He can 't handle baby poop smell at all . We bought the Baby Trend Diaper Champ . It has to be better than the current diaper pail which is just like a garbage can . This is the old one . 38 Weeks Old Look Mom ! I pooped out Link - r - doos ! You can kinda see her bottom teeth if you click on & enlarge this picture . This is so much fun ! She 's playing " Where 's the Baby ? " with dad . He would swipe a towel over her briefly and say " where 's the baby ? " and pull it off of her and say " there she is . " She loves it . she loevs having things swipe over her . Daddy will distract her when she gets crabby at bathtime / bedtime by swiping her jammies over her as I put her diaper & onesie on . She thinks its fun . You can see her top two teeth in this picture . Click on the picture to enlarge it to see th teeth bigger . Just one more time ! Please ! Do it again ! Do it again ! We spent a good couple of hours today playing on the bed . Rolling around , falling down , playing " upside down baby " , playing " where 's the baby " , giving her zerberts , playing " bouncy " , and some quieter times playing with toys . We think she has eczema on her torso and a little on her arms , nothing on her face or legs . It looks like what eczema is described as . Not sure if daddy or I had it has a baby . I am not sure if the Burts Bees stuff I have is hypoallergenic and their customer service line is only open during the week . So , we are going to switch to using the baby Aveeno stuff we have that says it is hypoallergenic . From what I read it says that it gets worse in the winter because of the dryness . We do have a humidfier running in her room at all times . It seemed to get irritated today while we were playing pretty physical on the bed and then I rubbed her in with lotion and we calmed down for a while and it got better . It also gets more irritated during bath time , but that might be because of the temp of the water ( or it coudl do with the soap we are using , whish we are going to switch for a while and see if it helps ) and we 'll make the water more lukewarm . She doesn 't seem bothered by it at all . She used to get heat rash easily when she was just born , so maybe she has a hyperimmune system . Always Snacking I knew she was going to be a snacker from the beginning . She never started drinking larger quantities of breastmilk at one time like other babies do . She still drink 2 - 3 ounces at a time several times a day . She hasn 't increased in her food intake either , she just prefers to eat more often . She does this at home and at daycare . This is My Teething BiscuitShe really likes her teething biscuits , Ritz sticks , puff snacks , Clifford Crunch , and sliced cheese . She tried some of my bagel with cream cheese this morning and seemed to like it . I also gave her a partial Oreo yesterday - boy did she make a mess with that . It was a good thing it was right before bath time . She pretty routine on when she likes to have her meals , snacks , and beverages . She really likes routine . I read books on putting babies on s schedule before she was born and in her first few weeks . But that didn 't really jive with us . I knew I needed some sort of schedule , but we let her dictate her own schedule . Some people can 't believe that she goes to bed at 6 : 30pm . Often she doesn 't see daddy in the evening because she is already asleep . She would be a bear if I tried to keep her up . She sleeps 11 - 12 hours every night . The days she sleeps less she usually takes a short nap in the morning and always take a 2 - 2 . 5 hour nap in the afternoon . We have the same routine most days after I pick her up . Her daycare lady is starting a preschool program at her place . It will officially start this coming fall . She has hired a licensed teacher to come in twice a week for a couple hours to teach the pre - schoolers . She figured it was the best thing to do since it is inconvenient for her parents to get their kids to daycare at the public school . I took this picture to show two things . 1 ) Her curls when her hair is allowed to air dry w / o combing and I don 't comb it down before it it dires and 2 ) Her new favorite bath toy ( an empty travel conditioner bottle . ) When we went to the hotel last month she wanted to play with the travel toiletries more than the bath toys I brought a long . So , I used up this larger travel bottle of conditioner I bought from Bath & Body Works and then gave it to her to play with . It has been a favorite bath toy the last few weeks . It 's hard to get her to smile for pictures now . She just wants to be serious for pictures . She smiles a lot when I am not taking pictures . She just got her top right front tooth . She now has 4 teeth . The next top ones are getting ready to break through soon , maybe in the next couple weeks . Grandma is going to make Isabel a dress for her Baptism and needed a chest measurements , so I decided to get a couple other measurements as well . Whole Body Length - 30 inchesHead Circumference - 18 inchesChect Circumference - 18 inchesFoot Length - 4 inchesShe is just going into a size 3 shoe . Her foot is the size of an average 6 month old now ( she 's 8 1 / 2 months . ) Her feet just recently grew here in the last couple weeks , otherwise they were in a size 2 . Actually a 4 inch foot takes a size 2 . 5 , but I am not messing around with the half size right now . It only needs to grow an eighth of an inch to be a size 3 . Check out the shoe sizing here . Her length has not increased much in the last 3 weeks . Only 1 / 4 inch in the last 3 weeks . Her head increased by over a half inch . Daddy did say the other day that it looked like her head got bnigger . Class was good . I guess the preschool teacher is in charge of " Sib Care " and we have someone else . But she will still see the other teacher everytime we go , so her face will be familiar . There are 5 families in the class . Daddy was the only daddy there . I like that daddy wants to be so active in doing things with us . Makes me proud to have him as my hubby . One family was missing and the other babies are 4 . 5 months , 5 months , & 9 months ( Isabel is 8 . 5 mo . ) . I am not sure how old the missing baby is . It was fun to watch her interact with the other 9 month old girl , Annette . Annette started taking away all Isabel 's toys in the beginning and she just watched , as Isabel is kinda slow to warm up to people . But once she got warmed up she started stealing toys back . She did really good at class even though it threw her sleep schedule off my an hour . She seemed to like it . She likes being around other babies . One of my hopes with this class is that I will get to know some moms that might want to do some playdates this summer , since Isabel will not go to daycare much at all during the summer . I guess two of the moms are teachers at the school there , so they should have the summers off too . So , I guess we 'll see . The thing I found very interesting is that we were getting to know some of the families & kids that will eventually be in her class . Our town is small , so we will already know about 10 % of her classmates just from taking this one class . We 'll probably get to meet more through the years of taking local ECFE classes & local pool swim classes . Actually , now when I think of the kids ages the 4 . 5 month old probably misses the age cutoff for her and depending upon when the birthday of the 5 month old is she may or may not be in her class . Next year her classes will be different because her ECFE classes will be 1 - 3 year olds . It was a nice class . I learned a couple new things . I 've had people ask me why I take Isabel to swim lessons because they believe she can 't learn to swim yet . Well , first of all we want her to be comfortable in water , in a pool , at a waterpark , etc . The first day she was a little unsure , but now she is just fine with it . And she might not be learning how to do the crawl ( especially since she hasn 't yet crawled on land . ) But what she has learned so far is : 1 ) How to float ( she used to curl her legs up to her chest - now she put her legs out . ) 2 ) Starting to learn how to kick ( previously she would never even move her legs , now she will give a few kicks . ) 3 ) How to hold onto the floaty kickboard thingy ( before she would just rest her hands on it , now she will grab the sides of it and hold on as floats around . ) 4 ) Grabbing rings a few inches down in the water ( I don 't let them sink to the bottom , but the water distorts the image of where they are at , so it can be tricky to grab them . Before she had to fish around a little bit to grab it , not she can accurately grab it . ) 5 ) Going under water briefly is ok ( everytime we do it she gets more and more ok with it and has never cried from it . ) Of course , I am in there holding on to her the entire time . There is a 2 year old girl in our class and I talked to her parents tonight about how long they have been taking her to swim classes . They said they just brought her swimming in a pool a couple times before she was 1 and then at 1 years old they brought her to a class and she learned things slowly ( much like Isabel ) and now she is 2 and she loves swimming all over the place and going under water . She 's a little fish . So , it 's encouraging to see so much improvement in such a short amount of time . The water was REALLY cold tonight . Apparently , the boiler quit working and was not heating the water . Really , they should have just cancelled classes . A co - worker of mine takes her daughter to the same swim class and she complained to the management after class ( & kinda dragged me into it as well ) and we ended up with free wrist bands that we Posted by Today she got her third tooth . This time it is her front bottom right tooth . The corresponding top tooth will follow soon . Tonight we go to our first ECFE in our own town with the teacher she will have for all of ECFE and all of pre - school . Check Out My New Hat ! I bought this hat when I was pregnant and we were in Tampa . I thought it was so darling and wanted it for her and as fast as she is growing I was beginning to worry I might not see it on her . On Your Mark , Get Set ! No crawling yet , but she 's working on it . She getting that butt in there air . Daddy almost made her crawl to get the pacifier she really wanted . This Kitty Will Let Me Pet It . She got this little kitty at Christmas time from her Aunt Lisa & Uncle Chris . It has a rattle in it , so she likes to bang it around . Once she starts crawling , Larry will have to run for cover . He got a little taste of it on Friday when Noah went crawling after him . Larry just looked at him as is he was thinking , " Hey ! This one moves . You 're not supposed to move . " |
It 's a blustery winter day here in Idaho . It 's been a very emotional week filled with ups , downs and unknowns . Please allow me to explain . About a week ago I started getting tweets , texts , emails and facebook notifications about one piece of very exciting news , Megan has a family ! ! ! Last year during Christmas , Andrea and I chose two children to start advocating for , Eli and Megan . Eli , as many already know , is home for Christmas ! He had a family commit to him very early last year . Megan on the other hand did not . For the entire year , Megan has been the topic of many conversations in our family as well as many of our prayers . Throughout the year , Megan has had over $ 24 , 000 in her adoption account and her picture was updated on the Reece 's Rainbow page . Despite these good things going in Megan 's favor , she did not have a family commit to her . Andrea and I knew in our hearts that when the time was right , her family would find her . I also think a little bit of Christmas Spirit played a factor . A few weeks ago , Brynlee was waiting in line to see Santa . She was stressed because she couldn 't think of anything she wanted to ask for Christmas . ( She has since thought of lots of things ! ) I mentioned maybe she should ask Santa if he could find Megan a family . She smiled her big toothless smile and said , " That 's a great idea ! " . Sure enough , the request was made and less than a week later we found out Megan had a family ! The good news of Megan 's family has quickly been overshadowed by some of the political turmoil that Russia and the United States are experiencing . This is a good ARTICLE that explains what is taking place . In a nutshell , Russia has passed legislation banning all adoptions of Russian orphans by Americans . I don 't confess to understand why this is taking place . The legislation has been passed and is sitting on the desk of Russian President Vladimir Putin . He has full power to sign the bill or reject it . The fate of thousands of orphans lie in his hands . It has been reported that his decision will be made by DecePosted by In 2011 when we first found Reece 's Rainbow and started our fundraising efforts a very close friend of mine came up with an idea on how to generate some funding for Orphans with Down syndrome . He manages an auto auction where auto dealers from the area purchase many of their cars for their lots . His idea was to pick a car to auction off with all of the proceeds going towards the RODS Orphan . Last year was a great year . This year turned out even better ! It 's very humbling for me to hear how this process works and the generous individuals that take part in it . All of the dealers are gathered and the bidding starts in typical fashion . Each dealer interested in the car participates as the price rises . Each dealer knows that the proceeds are going to an orphaned child with Down syndrome which brings a special spirit into the room . Once the car has reached a high point the dealer with the high bid wins the car . Here 's the amazing part . That dealer once being awarded the car donates it back to the auction for the bidding to start again . The car is bought , sold , and donated back to be sold again multiple times . When it was all said and done , this years Christmas car raised $ 12 , 000 ! This years proceeds will be going to IVAN ! These individuals who have made this possible for Ivan may have no connection to Down syndrome . It 's very possible that they will never meet him or even hear of him in the future . They did not have to do this and they receive no special recognition for their generosity . What their selfless act has done though has given a young boy a chance at life . They also have made it possible for that special family to come forward because the financial burden that international adoption brings has been sufficiently relieved . Thank you Independent Car Dealers of Treasure Valley for once again giving someone a Christmas Miracle ! In the past , I 've written about Angela Redding and her ability to put together events . Last night was another great example of that . Angela had the idea to put together a concert that features a few local artists as well as Tyler Stenson , a fantastic artist based out of Portland . She asked if it would be alright if RODS Racing was the featured cause . What a great idea ! The evening was great . Before the event , Andrea and I went to dinner with our good friends the Tueller 's . We got to know Mike and Aubrey last year when their daughter was born and they found out she has Down syndrome . The Tueller 's were the family that introduced us to Reece 's Rainbow . We had around 200 people in attendance and everyone was very encouraging and supportive . I took a moment in between artists to share the RODS Racing story and tell about the great year we 've had . I absolutely love getting to share this story . Every time I do I feel even more committed to making sure that we are doing everything in our power to make sure these kids find a home as soon as possible . Tyler was up next and he did what Tyler does best . Entertain . I 've been to a few of his concerts over the years . In fact I have a few of his songs on my Ironman training playlist . In his music he does a great job of telling the story . It 's very genuine and original and I 'm thankful he was willing to take some time to come to Boise . Special thanks to Howell Orthodontics for the donation to RODS Racing tonight as well . For each person in attendance , $ 1 was donated ! Posted by I love public speaking and I love to share the RODS Racing story so when I was asked to be a guest speaker at Pioneer Elementary School in Preston , Idaho I quickly accepted . After a day or two passed from accepting the invitation I really started to think this through . There was going to be hundreds of 1st and 2nd graders in attendance . I thought about my little 1st grader and how small her attention span is . Then I started to get nervous . I feel fine speaking to an audience full of adults but how in the world was I going to keep these little guys engaged ! I made our way from Meridian down to Preston . This was a special opportunity for me . This was actually the school that I attended throughout grade school . Driving up and seeing the familiar building brought back so many memories . Walking into my old gymnasium reminded me of the many dodge ball and basketball games . It 's where I had my first school dance in 5th grade ( now that was stressful ! ) , and also where our Idaho History Bee was held . Never did I think I would be back children started filing in and they looked as nervous as I was . I noticed that many of them were dressed in their Sunday best in preparation for the big day . I found out that the teachers had been talking with their students and explaining about Down syndrome , Orphans and what a " hero " is . They were all excited to be there . So was I . growing up as well as a few from the past year as I was doing Ironman 's . They put them together in a slideshow . While the slide show You " . I was fighting back tears and the assembly hadn 't even started . Principal Wynn Costley and Mrs . White , my 4th grade teacher ( one of my all time favorite teachers ) introduced me and just like that I was in front of hundreds of little guys telling the RODS Racing story . I talked a lot about Nash and even had Nash come up in front of the kids . It was a lot of fun to see their expressions and their enthusiasm . One thing I wanted to do was have the teachers choose a few children who they thought would be good candidates to receive a RODS Racing T Shirt . At the end of my presentation I made a special announcement that everybody there was going to get an official RODS Racing Card and that a few lucky students were going to get T Shirts . Seeing the looks on these children 's faces when their names were called out was worth it 's weight in gold ! After the assembly the students once again played the slide show they had made for me and sang me the Hero song . Talk about a tear jerker ! As they were leaving I went into the audience and gave lots of high fives and hugs . I wish I could have spent 1 on 1 time with every child and encouraged them to keep on going and never give up . They are all so full of potential and they deserve to meet that potential . I stopped by one of the classes on the way out and they gave me some goodies . I also saw a bunch of posters welcoming me . Kids are great and I 'm glad I had this chance to speak . I always feel like I benefit more than the audience when I get to share the RODS Racing story . One things for sure , these guys sure made me feel like a hero ! It 's day 's like today that keeps the fire burning to work on behalf of Orphans with Down syndrome . Five months ago I was fortunate to visit an orphanage in Peru . It is there that I met a very special little girl named Maelie . Maelie is a soon to be 5 year old who has Down syndrome . Since that day , I felt it important to try and be an instrument in helping her find her forever family . This search took me to the lava fields of Kona where I raced in the Ironman World Championship on Maelie 's behalf in hope to find her family . The day before the race I received an email from a family in Tennessee asking me about Maelie . They had been feeling led to adoption for many months , but it wasn 't until just the day before that they felt strongly that they should inquire about Maelie . Ironically enough , the very next day I would be racing on her behalf ! Things moved quickly after that . There application was accepted and they were officially matched to Maelie ! I 'm excited to announce that Maelie has a loving family committed to adopting her ! ! ! Lisa and Paul have been married for 17 years . They have three biological children . Their boys ( ages 7 and 9 ) are GREAT big brothers to their baby sister ( almost 2 ) who happens to be a princess with Down Syndrome . The Olsen 's tried to adopt internationally a few years ago , but the country closed its doors to adoptions with the United States while they were in the process . They were unable to complete their adoption , which was devastating . Lisa 's heart remained tender towards adoption , but they were very reluctant to go down that path again . After the birth of their daughter , they discovered Reece 's Rainbow . Lisa visited the site often , looking at the waiting children and reading about the incredible families who opened their homes and hearts to orphans with special needs . The Olsen 's spent months waiting and praying , wondering if God was calling them to step out in faith and begin the adoption process again . One little girl in particular touched Paul 's heart . Even then , Paul said " God would have to hit him over the head with a shovel " to convince him it was time to move forward . Well , Paul 's head is still tingling ! God flung the doors wide open for the Olsen 's to step forward to adopt Maelie ! The Olsen family is humbled and excited to begin their adoption journey and welcome another princess into their home ! In reading the Olsen 's bio about their family , I particularly enjoyed the part where they referenced God opening the doors wide open for them to step forward to adopt Maelie . I feel the same way when thinking of finding Reece 's Rainbow almost 1 year ago and the miracles that I have witnessed since then . I have learned that if we have desires to be part of something that will truly make a difference in someones life , those opportunities will be presented to us . Whether it 's orphans , Down syndrome or some other cause that is close to your heart , I encourage you to seek opportunities to make a difference . Don 't allow doubt or fear to stop you . Please don 't feel that you can 't make a difference because that is simply not true . If you have sincere desires , doors will be opened , hearts will be softened , and lives will be changed . Posted by My introduction to Eli came in December of 2011 . It was the day that I first visited the Reece 's Rainbow website and learned of the struggle that so many orphans with Down syndrome were facing . I remember clearly looking at each one of the children 's faces and knowing in my heart that something had to be done . After a few days , Andrea and I decided that we would each choose a child to start fundraising in hopes that they would soon have a family commit to them . I scrolled through the literally hundreds of pictures trying to choose the one child that I was suppose to focus on . At first it was difficult . Then I saw this picture . This little boys picture stood out to me and I knew he was the one . This was on December 4th , 2011 . You can read my blog post HERE . Through the help of many family and friends , miracles took place and Eli 's adoption account quickly grew . On February 7th , 2012 I received the news that Eli had a family who had committed to adopting him ! That was a monumental day for me . It was a day that provided proof that a difference can be made for these children ! Since that day I have become good friends with Eli 's mom and dad . They are such good people and I 'm so happy for him . I 've watched as they navigated through the mountains of paperwork , background checks , and homestudy 's that are required to adopt . I saw the frustrating times that they went through and I celebrated with them the victories . Finally the day came that they traveled to Eli 's country . It was the same day that I flew to Hawaii for the Ironman World Championship . Which brings us to today . As I write this , Eli is making his way home from the airport to start the life he so deserves with the family that is so lucky to have him . Tonight he will be tucked into his own bed by his very own mommy and daddy . Tomorrow he will get to play with his siblings who have been eagerly waiting for their brother to come home . I have expressed this before on my blog , but I want to share it with you again . There is no doubt that it is an amazing blessing for each of these children who are fortunate enough to be adopted . However , the biggest blessing that will come is not the family to the child , but it is the blessing that this child will be to his family . Children who have Down syndrome are special in so many ways . Eli 's family will be learning this first hand in the upcoming months and years . Posted by Race day started at 3 : 20am when the alarm clock welcomed me into the days activities . The normal race day jitters and nervousness was strangely not there right from the beginning . Instead of nervousness I was feeling excitement ! It was time for the big dance and I couldn 't wait . I knew I had done everything in my power to prepare for this race and I was ready . I made my way down to the start . I was among the first athletes to arrive . One of the first things they have us do is get a number stamped on your arms . The energy was huge from the very beginning . With race number 137 successfully tattooed for the day I then stepped on the scales for a weigh in . I 've never actually been weighed at a race check in . I wish they would have weighed me after to compare . I bet I lost a few pounds in water weight . I then put my race nutrition on my bike that had been carefully calculated to give me the correct amount of calories at a the right time of the race . This is such a huge part of the race and cannot be overlooked . Regardless of the amount of hours trained , without enough gas in the tank it doesn 't matter how well tuned the engine is . By now there were a lot of athletes starting to pour in . About this time is when I was introduced to an NBC Sports camera crew . They started filming me prepping my bike . It was a little uncomfortable at first , but then I found it to be kind of fun . The other Kona Inspired athletes started to arrive for the day as well . We have all become very good friends . I feel like I knew them all from their videos . To get to meet them in person was great . To get to race with them was even better . As the horizon started to brighten I knew it was time . I put on my speed suit from Aqua Sphere and checked in my morning clothes bag and made it back to the start just in time for the pros to start the race . With the pros gone , it was time for all of us to enter the water . 25 minutes until the cannon goes off ! Stepping into the ocean increased the excitement even more . I swam out so I could see if I could see my family sitting on the cement wall that was lining the bay . Sure enough I saw them all there with their RODS Racing shirts on . I got their attention and then made my way out to the starting buoy . I 'll never forget looking back at all the spectators lined along the bay . There were also many hundred athletes still filing into the water . Mike Reilly , the voice of Ironman , started to give us the estimated time before the start . 10 minutes , then 5 minutes , then 1 minute . By this time I was like a 10 year old on Christmas morning waiting to open presents . We were all stacked in there which made it impossible to tread water without having contact with other swimmers . A warm up of things to come . Then the countdown , 5 , 4 , 3 , 2 , 1 , BOOM ! Instantly the blue ocean water looked like it was boiling . All you could see was white water and arms flying all around . Immediately I started hitting into other swimmers all trying to make forward progress . It was utter chaos ! I had never been in a swim start quite like that one . I found myself trying to avoid being kicked but at the same time , not backing off one bit . This lasted for a few minutes before things started to normalize and the rhythm of the swim strokes started to settle . Within 5 minutes of starting I got behind a swimmer who was going slightly faster than I was . Perfect ! I slipped in right behind him and started to draft . Drafting in the swim is perfectly legal and can be a big advantage to conserve energy and pick up a few minutes as well . It 's amazing how much it helps having someone break the water in front of you as you focus on staying right on their toes . I stayed so close to this swimmer that I found myself tapping his toes every time my arms came forward in my stroke . I worried that this might be annoying for him , but he just kept on swimming and I kept on following . The other advantage of doing this is you aren 't required to site as much . As long as the swimmer you are following is going straight , you can keep your head in the water . This was also nice because I loved looking at all the fish during the race . It was a nice distraction . The entire way out I stayed right on this swimmers feet . There is a big sailboat at the turnaround which gets pretty congested . I had to work hard to stay behind him , but I managed and before I knew it , we were on our way back after having just swam the first 1 . 2 miles . Heading back into shore was much faster . The current was pushing us and I think we all were excited to get on the bike . The entire swim seemed fairly congested , but I later found out from Andrea that I was swimming in a group of 15 + swimmers and there weren 't any other swimmers in front or behind us when we came in . Getting through transition was quick . I had a camera man following me which I wasn 't necessarily ready for , but it was fun . And just like that I was on the bike riding up the infamous Palani Road . The first 10 or so miles weaves through town where there are hundreds of spectators all cheering . You honestly feel like a rock star in this race with all the fans cheering . My legs felt great and all systems were checking out well . After weaving through the city streets there is a steep climb going up Palani and then on to the Queen K . Once you make it to the highway it settles down and you can get into a groove for the remaining 102 miles . 20 miles into the ride there were a lot of other bikers . Swimming is my weakest discipline which means I typically pass a lot of bikers the first 20 - 30 miles . It was fun seeing all of the other athletes from around the world . We had a big tailwind heading out which meant that the miles were flying by . Around mile 30 I had another TV crew pull up next to me filming for about 8 miles . I didn 't know what amount of filming would be done while I was racing before the day started . One thing I am thankful for is when the camera is on you it helps you go faster . By about mile 35 I hit my first difficult part of the race . I had a hard time keeping my wattage up and I was going into a big headwind . I decided it was time to have a peanut butter and honey sandwich and some PowerBar Blasts which really hit the spot . Within 5 minutes of finishing my meal I was feeling much better . When you are exercising for this amount of time the food gets into your system almost instantaneously . By the time I started the long climb into Hawi I was feeling great . One thing I did notice though was the wind was really starting to pick up . By the time I got the the last 3 miles of the 18 mile climb the wind was blowing hard . I looked out over the ocean and it was pure whitecaps as far as the eye could see . Right before I started feeling sorry for myself I remembered back to May 5th , the day I raced Ironman St . George . A big smile emerged as I remembered how much worse the wind and conditions were that day . Nothing will compare to St . George wind . I picked up the pace and started to go faster . The bike course turnaround in Hawi is right at 60 miles . It felt great to get the wind at your back and have a very long downhill heading back to Kona . By this time it was around 11am and it was starting to get hot . On my way back to Kona our route took us back through the lava fields . I remember hearing about how the heat would radiate off the blacktop but it was hard to imagine there being more heat from below than from the sun above . Let me tell you , this is absolutely true . It was like somebody turned on a heater on the road and it was blasting you from all angles . One way to combat the heat was while going through aid stations to fill up every possible water bottle cage with full bottles of water . Not just to drink but to pour it all over your body while you are riding . This provided temporary relief , but the heat would just not quit . The good news is mentally I was still very much where I needed to be . Any time I found any negative thoughts come to mind I found it relatively easy to replace them with the thoughts and feelings of why I was doing this . The cause of racing for Orphans with Down Syndrome allows me to mentally stay positive and stay where I need to be in my mind throughout these races . Without that cause I believe I would find it much more difficult to battle through the hard times and ultimately finish . Coming into town I felt great . I was going faster than I was expecting , averaging 20 . 2 MPH over the last 110 miles . My heart rate was good and my legs felt good . Time to go run a marathon . Coming into transition I was met by a camera crew . My feet were all wet as I was trying to get my socks on . My right sock went on perfectly . My left sock was off a little bit and I didn 't take the time to adjust it . This would come back and haunt me 3 hours later . Running out of T2 is always a big test . The test is how do the legs feel ? If you go too hard on the bike , you will know immediately . Luckily the legs were feeling fantastic . This was good . I ran out of transition and saw all my family . Their cheers are pure adrenaline and energy . Thank you ! Something different for this race than any other is I had never ran the course before . This was kind of fun , but it was also a little frustrating . Fun in a way because it 's all new . It 's kind of like going for a drive in an area you 've never seen before . Kind of entertaining . The frustrating part is I sometimes felt like a little kid always asking myself " are we there yet " as I look for the next turn or turn around . The first 10 miles of the run took us through town and right next to the ocean . What a great route ! I was feeling great and my pace was holding true . I was sticking with Ironman Perform and water to drink and an occasional gel every few miles . I also saw my good friend Mark Wilkerson as well as Alex and Risa Wight during this portion which helped . After 10 miles you have to climb right back up Palani . I wasn 't ready for this . I went up this in my bike and it was tough , now I had to run up it . Crazy ! Getting to the top is when we once again turn onto the Queen K and leave all the spectators behind . The next 15 miles were going to be lonely . About the time I hit mile 13 I could feel another mental challenge coming on . By this time I was 10 hours into the day . I had just ran 13 miles and I had to get my arms doing it all over again . The heat was still an ever present factor and I was starting to feel fatigued . This is when the Ironman secret weapon had to be utilized , Coca - Cola . Most people don 't realize this , but one of the best sources of nutrition in an Ironman is pure Coca - Cola . Not Coke zero , not caffeine free Coke . Only the good stuff ! This stuff is magic ! I always wait as long as I can before I start drinking coke when they offer it in the aid stations , but it was definitely time ! I was able to keep my pace and continue to progress along the course . Next up on the run course is the infamous Energy Lab . This is a place where you leave the Queen K highway and take a left into one of the most desolate places on the entire island . It 's called the " Energy Lab " because of the huge solar panels and different facilities on the road . What this place does not do is give you any energy . In fact , it sucks it out of you . When I saw the Energy Lab just ahead I decided right then and there that I would pick up my pace when I entered the Energy Lab . I refused to let this 4 mile stretch get me . I went into the energy lab with a chip on my shoulder kind of like a little brother that finally thinks he has a chance at beating his older brother in a foot race . I did pick up the pace . I could feel some deep pain in my quads but I pushed . I knew this was gut check time and I was not letting up . The first 2 miles felt OK . Miles 19 - 21 were among the toughest faced yet but I lasted and it fueled me when I finally exited having taken on the Energy Lab and won . It was time to take a right back onto Queen K and head back into town . With only 5 miles to go I kept telling myself , " You got this ! 5 more miles ! You 've ran 5 miles a hundred times this year ! Keep pushing ! " Things were starting to get tough . I could feel a blister on my left foot start to form . I remembered back to the transition area when I didn 't get my sock on right . I demanded that the pain leave my mind and I kept going . My pace was still steady , but my heart rate was increasing rapidly . " Only a few more miles , keep pushing ! ! " I kept telling myself . The battle that was going on in my head was as intense as it 's ever been . The adversity I was facing on whether I could do this or not was real . " Keep going ! " I kept reminding myself over and over . Mile 22 passed and I celebrated , 4 more miles . I can do this ! Between mile 22 - 24 was the hardest of the entire day . My quads were smashed , my head hurt and I was spent . Every athlete will face this during an Ironman . This is really the true test in my opinion . It 's easy to race when you are feeling good . It 's when you are hurting , when you 're body tells you that you can 't do this , that you find out what you really are made of . All you want to do is walk . You 're mind will start to reason with you . It will say things like , " you 've done great , just walk a little bit . " Then it will get more aggressive . " This is crazy , why are you doing this to yourself ! " it screams . The thoughts of " Why am I doing this " and " I can 't go on anymore " start flooding your mind . It was here where I had to go back to why I was doing this . I remembered Maelie and I remembered the commitment I made to myself to find her family . If pushing through this temporary physical pain meant that she has a family I would do it . If this meant that Down syndrome as a whole is more widely accepted and that together we can prove that Anything is Possible , I would do it ! I kept the pace and pushed harder . Before I knew it I was on the top of Palani making my way down the big hill I had to run up a few hours earlier . It was here that I knew I had it . Tears started streaming down my face as I thought not just about the day , but this year . Here I was , running the last mile of the Ironman World Championship for these kids that have become such a big part of my life . Last year at this time I didn 't even know Reece 's Rainbow existed or that there were hundreds of children with Down syndrome withering away in orphanages throughout the world . Now I was getting to represent them at this very moment . I was afforded the opportunity and blessing to be their voice . To stand on their defense and bring hope at that very moment . In this moment I also gave thanks to a loving God . I knew this last year wasn 't anything of my own doing , but more a tender mercy from a loving Heavenly Father . As I turned down Ali ' i drive I could see the finish line in the distance . The pain was gone and I was running on pure adrenaline . Thousands of people lined the streets cheering and high fiving . I came into the final hundred yards under the bright lights and everything went to a blur . As I crossed the finish line I saw lots of people and I saw cameras . Then I saw Alex , he had the biggest smile on his face and I bet mine matched it . He gave me a huge hug and I lifted him up off the ground . Then Andrea and Nash came to me and we hugged a very long hug . I looked into Nash 's eyes and could see that innocence and look that was the source of so much motivation . I then saw my Dad , my Mom , and my Sister Paige and hugged each of them . Then I gave a huge hug to Rob Wight CEO of myList , David Deschenes , Executive Director of Ironman Foundation and Andrew Messick , CEO of Ironman . That 's when I saw this huge check made out to RODS Racing . I was in shock . It was for $ 20 , 000 and it was for Maelie 's adoption . This meant that this little girl has a chance ! It was joy in the purest form ! I want to take a moment to recognize and show my appreciation for Andrea . RODS Racing and Ironman is a team effort . There is no possible way that I could serve these children as I have without her . I can 't stress this enough . She IS the reason why things have worked out . Her level of contribution is huge , but often goes unnoticed behind the scenes . Thank you Andrea ! I love you ! After the race I went in the transition area and had a chocolate milk . The adrenaline quickly dissipated . I sat down on the grass in a corner as far away as I could get and put a towel over my head . Piece of mind came over me . I knew I left it all out on the course and gave it everything I had . I suppose doing this race is a lot like life . We 'll face exhilarating highs and extreme lows . Pain always comes but it 's how we handle the pain that defines us . There are a lot of people cheering us on at times and at other times we are alone in the lava fields . It takes a team effort . It 's never just one person , but in the end , the results are dependant upon the one looking back at you in the mirror . I hope that at the end of my life I can go to a far away corner for a moment , put a towel over my head and know that I left it all out on the course . At the end of these race reports I always find myself asking the question , so what 's next ? Well , I can 't wait to watch the Ironman Broadcast on October 27th at 2pm MST . I have a feeling that Maelie will have a family very soon . My hope is that we can find Megan and Maggie a family very soon as well . I 've already spent time putting together the plan for RODS Racing in 2012 . I will continue to race , but my hope is to continue to develop a network of other athletes and advocates who are passionate about racing and passionate about Down syndrome . In the end , our work is not done until every child has a home and until society as a whole has a better understanding of just how much of a positive impact a person with Down syndrome can have . One thing that I have learned this year that I plan on applying next year is this : ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE ! ! ! ! Hello One Step Closer to Home readers . This week I will be posting all of my blog posts to my RODS Racing blog . You can access it HERE . Aloha ! Ten months ago , Andrea and I chose a little boy on Reece 's Rainbow to fund raise for . This little boy stood out to us above all of the rest . We weren 't sure how we were going to raise the money to help offset the adoption costs , but it felt right . Quickly after starting our fundraising efforts , miracles took place and DOORS were OPENED . ( I 'll come back to why I put these two words in bold in a moment ) Eli 's account quickly grew to $ 20 , 000 . Within 30 days , Eli 's soon to be parents found him and committed to his adoption . Eli 's parents faced challenges in finding an adoption agency that was approved in his country . In fact , they were told there were none in the US . They would not be deterred . The searched high and low encountering many dead ends . Finally they had a breakthrough . They were introduced to a small agency called , " An Open Door Adoption Agency " . This agency was approved in Eli 's country and the long process to adopt began . The irony continues . Remember the little girl I met while in South America in June , the little girl I am racing Kona for ? I was able to find out about Maelie because of An Open Door Adoption Agency . Now to answer your question about who else is spending time in an airport traveling today . . . Eli 's parents ! Eli 's family is on their way to his country today to meet their son . The very same day I 'm heading to Kona to race for Maelie . Coincidence ? Not a chance ! Maelie is 4 years old . The harsh circumstances she faced upon being born made it so she would be placed in an orphanage at just a few weeks old . She has lived in that same orphanage ever since . In June of this year I visited Maelie 's country while doing work with The Huntsman School of Business . I had a desire to seek out any orphanages that may be in the area we were staying in hopes of finding any children who had Down syndrome so that I may be a voice of hope for them to someday be adopted . After some research and multiple phone calls I was able to find an orphanage in a very small community outside of the city . I made arrangements to visit them . The day of my visit finally arrived . The ride out took about 30 minutes by taxi . I enjoyed the scenery as I eagerly observed each of the details in the foreign place . What may have seemed like a normal everyday scene to some was fascinating to me . As we pulled into town I started asking directions to the orphanage . After a short walk down the dusty dirt streets we knocked on the big metal doors . A very small door opened up and I saw a nun peeking through the window . I felt a little like the misfits from the Wizard of Oz knocking on the door to the Emerald City . After a moment , the metal door opened where we took a seat in a lobby area . The nun who I had spoken to was aware that I had a son with Down syndrome from our phone conversation and that I was hoping to meet any of their children who also had Down syndrome . After a few moments Senora Maria stepped into the lobby area holding a wide eyed little princess . My heart skipped a beat . I had a hard time at first , holding back the tears as I looked into this little girls eyes . She looked at me with much curiosity . Then came something I will never forget , that smile . Senora Maria visited with me about Maelie and how all the children adored her . She was among the favorites in an orphanage of 32 children . I asked her about what happens to their children as they get older . " They get adopted " she replied . She then went on to explain that she did have concern for Maelie however . Most children are adopted before they are 4 years old . The orphanage is designated as a 5 and under orphanage . They have never had a child stay there much longer than that . Senora Maria told me that because of Maelie 's disability , she feared she would never be adopted and wasn 't sure what would take place as she got older . She mentioned that she may be transferred to the city possibly but she just wasn 't sure . In that moment I felt a weight of responsibility be placed on my shoulders . I knew that I needed to find this little girl a family . After a few minutes Senora Maria asked if I 'd like to hold Maelie . Of course I would . Maelie smiled that big grin as she looked at me and touched my face . She was such a beautiful little girl . We sat down and I wanted to see if she could stand so I put her towards the floor . Not only did she stand but she took off running with Senora Maria right behind her ! It was hilarious ! She explained to me that Maelie is a very active little girl full of life and energy . She would be such a blessing to a family I thought to myself . My visit was short , but the impact this little girl had on me was tremendous . As I look towards race day on October 13th I am filled with anticipation . Completing a full Ironman is something that few ever get to do , especially in Kona . It is the most difficult single day endurance race on the face of the planet . I don 't think there is any way to fully prepare for what the day will bring or what rigors my mind and body will face . With that being said , there is nothing that I am not willing to face on race day for Maelie if it means that she and the thousands of other Orphans with Down Syndrome are given a chance at life and a family to call their own . My hope is that somehow her story will be heard . That we can raise enough funding to offset the incredibly high costs of international adoption and most importantly , that through these efforts , her family will find her . In closing I want to say a few words about those who have Down syndrome . What is perceived as a disability is remarkably a wonderful blessing . When I was told that my newborn son had Down syndrome I was scared to say the least . However , what I didn 't realize at the time is Nash would be the source of pure joy , insight and inspiration in my life . Nash has talents and abilities to accomplish things that I can only hope to do as do all who have Down syndrome . Last week was a new adventure . Earlier this year a few friends that I work with made plans to travel to Canada for a fishing trip in September . It would be perfect , cool temperatures , remote wilderness , and tons of silver salmon ! The perfect " man " trip ! Little did I know when I made these plans that I would be right smack in the middle of intense Ironman training . With the plane tickets booked already , there was no way of backing out of this trip . In addition , I REALLY wanted to go fishing so off to Canada we go . My trip started early on Sunday morning . Up to Portland , then to Vancouver , B . C . , then a short plane ride to Campbell River . From Campbell river we had a 2 and a half hour drive up and over a mountain , literally . The road was dirt most of the way . Around 9 : 30pm that night we finally made it to Tahsis , our new home away from home . Fishing started early as it usually does so no room for training before heading out on the water . The scenery was incredible ! Fishing was a little slow , but we were catching enough fish to keep a smile on my face . Water temperature was 58 degrees , plenty warm for a swim with a wetsuit . Around noon I decided that I should probably slip on my wetsuit and go for a little open water swim . We were trolling in a remote bay that had timber right down to the waters edge . My plan was to swim back and forth from one side of the bay to the other , about a 200 yard lap . Then something crazy happened . As I was planning my swim and exactly where I would be swimming a huge whale came barreling out of the water , EXACTLY WHERE I WAS GOING TO BE SWIMMING ! After seeing this enormous creature hogging my " lane " I decided against any open water swimming as you can imagine . I was a little bummed because I really wanted to use my new Aqua Sphere wetsuit but it just wasn 't meant to be . Can you imagine swimming and having a giant whale swim by ? Or better yet , bump into you ! That 's just crazy talk ! After fishing 10 hours we made our way back to Tahsis . We cleaned the boat , cleaned the fish and headed to the cabin . The sun was setting and I knew if I was going to run , I would have to do it right now . I was tired , hungry and I 'll be honest , running was the last thing I wanted to do . I ate a few PowerGels to give me a little pick me up and laced up the shoes . Man was I sluggish . It seemed like I wasn 't really running , but more of a speed walk . I went a few miles and looked at my pace , it was official snail pace . The challenge is my heart rate was as high as it is when I do intervals . Not a good combo . I ran up the road we came in on 4 miles before realizing I had to run back down this same road to make it back home and it was almost dark . The streets were lined with brush and trees . The sky was barely visible in the thick canopy of trees . As I made my way back it seemed like a tunnel was formed and it was closing in with darkness . Needless to say my pace picked up a bit since I didn 't want to get eaten by a bear . Once I made it back to the house I was glad to be home , but very glad that I pushed through the workout . The next day we had a great day of fishing . If you ever have the chance to catch silvers , these fish are amazing . Fishing was so good that we didn 't make it back to the dock until it was dark . Same situation as the day before , tired , hungry and knowing that I needed to run . I quickly did my chores and laced up my shoes again . This time I didn 't venture outside of the little village but did 2 mile loops . My pace an heart rate were much better this night . I think it was because fishing was so good ! The next day was our last day and I knew if I was going to get a run in that it would have to be before we got on the boat . The only challenge with this was I was already getting to bed late and my two friends ( and I ) wanted to get an extra early start back on the water because we didn 't have a lot of time before we had to leave and our optimism towards the amount of fish we were going to catch was high . The next morning came fast and once again I found myself running the 2 mile loop through the village . As I ran I realized that not a soul was awake which was kind of cool . I got my run in and quickly got ready for some more fishing . The next day was a full day of travel . I made it to Boise around 5 : 30 and was greeted by smiles from my kids and wife . I love it when they get to pick me up from the airport . Unfortunately as soon as I got home , I knew I had to get on the bike . It had been 5 days since I last rode and the countdown to Kona is not slowing down . I was on the trainer by 6 : 30pm and rode the first 60 miles of the Kona course . 3 hours total ride time . It felt good to be back in the saddle and I had a special little training partner for part of the ride . The next morning I rode another 30 miles of high cadence spinning in the early morning then headed to pool . No fear of giant whales or sea creatures at the YMCA . I swam surprisingly good . I have to imagine the rest was good for me . I then went into the office for a few hours before heading home for my long run . I ended up going 20 . 5 miles and it was a little tough . I was pretty tired from the previous workouts and the travel but got the long run in which is always nice . That night Andrea and I went to Les Mis with some friends . It was good , but a little long . 3 hours with it ending at 11pm is way past my bedtime . It was nice to spend the evening with Andrea though . The next morning came quickly once again and before I knew it I was back in the pool . I swam the full Ironman distance straight . Swim time was 1 hour 17 minutes . Swimming is not my strongest of the 3 disciplines but it 's still fun to do . After my swim I was back on my bike only this time it was outside . The air was filled with smoke from the surrounding forest fires in the Boise area but it didn 't seem to bother me too much . I rode 92 miles and called it a day . By the time I finished it was 4 : 00pm and I really wanted to spend some time with my family . This week was a good example of just how patient and supportive that Andrea is . I felt guilty each time I had to hit the road to train instead of being with her and the kids . Each time though she always showed me her support and encouraged me to keep going . I don 't take this lightly and recognize that her sacrifice to make this possible is just as big or bigger than the sacrifice an athlete takes to train for an Ironman . Such a key component ! For the week I swam 7400 yards , biked 182 miles and ran 41 . 5 miles . Not as much mileage as I 've had the last few weeks , but I had to dig as deep as I 've ever had to this week to get it done . In the end though , it will all be worth it if I can cross the finish line in Kona for my precious ORPHANS WITH DOWN SYNDROME ! ! |
For those who don 't know me , my name is Brian Huskie . I 'm a teacher in an urban school district and as of this writing I 've been there for eight years , five of which I 've taught English Language Learners . Before teaching I was in the Army , and in 2004 I was in Iraq . Here I am just over a decade ago : They wanted to go buy kabobs for us and charge us triple for them . They also wanted our bullets so they could scrape the bullet off and light the gun powder . We teased them for a few minutes , haggling over kabobs and lighting matches . The older one tried to get us to give him a grenade for a couple of kabobs . The soldier who was with me , in the picture above , pretended to throw the grenade . He didn 't even have it in his hand … it was in good fun … but the younger one ran ( stumbled , really ) into the weeds and started crying . He was bawling . He wouldn 't let anyone near him . I took off my helmet and gave up my gun and brought the kid a Gatorade . He whirled around and hugged me , and we hugged in the weeds for a long time . When I hug my four year old I sometimes feel that little Iraqi boy 's ribs . Then he showed me the scars on his leg . He had been burned from his ankle to his thigh . He was covered in scars . He made a machine gun noise , pointed to his leg , and said " Amerikee ! " That was eleven years ago . If the kid is still alive , he 'd be 18 or so . Like a bad movie , fireworks on the Fourth of July made my heart race something fierce , at least the first few years after I came back . Then , with time , it faded , and I moved on . Until last Fourth of July . I was with my family on Montauk beach watching the fireworks and my youngest , 2 years old , was terrified . He tried to run away high up on a sand dune . I ran after him , caught him , picked him up and tried to console him . The kid just went limp . My son didn 't move , didn 't make a sound , and just fell asleep , almost instantly . All of a sudden I was back , kicking in doors and raiding homes . In one , there stood a man , he might have been affiliated with Al Qaeda , who knows … but he had a son under the age of five in the upstairs room . There was shooting and yelling , and the kid just slept . I picked him up and brought him to his mother , and although he was unhurt he wouldn 't wake up . He just went limp . Then there is this moment that I relive in my nightmares . We took over a hospital and , after a day of fighting , a man brought his son in . The son was obviously dead … maybe 7 or 8 years old . He was flopping around in his dad 's arms . The father was laughing uncontrollably - maniacally . I never forgot it . Refugees are close to my heart . I have students now who are teenagers who were in Iraq when I was there eleven years ago . When I see my students I see the crowds of little kids who begged for pencils and candy ; I see the kids who walked to school until they canceled school so we could fight . I broke their desks to burn to keep warm in December , and our sniper took a position in an elementary classroom . I see the boy whose leg was burned , and the little limp sleeper who had guns pointed at him , and the laughing dad . I see them in my own kids , somehow . It haunts me . These kids from Iraq , as well as refugees from other places in the Middle East , Africa , Burma , and Nepal , didn 't choose to have war or persecution happen to them . They didn 't choose the actions of their countries or of ours . They all have their own stories , but somehow , they made it here . They have an obligation to make the most out of their lives , and they know it . It 's a second chance many don 't get . What are they going to do with this new life they were given ? We want this scholarship fund to help refugees pay for college , and we are asking for your help . We need a minimum of $ 25 , 000 for an endowment , which would give a small scholarship every single year , forever . I would like to reach $ 100 , 000 … that 's our goal . Any little bit helps . Thank you for reading , and if you have any questions please don 't hesitate to e - mail or post below . Thank you again ! My name is Ayat . I 'm 19 years old and from Iraq . I lived and studied in Iraq until 2005 . I went to Ebn Majid School in Baghdad . And like almost every other student , I tried very hard to get good grades and make my parents proud . After the war in 2003 everything I knew changed . I rarely went to school ; it was closed most of the times in the beginning . My school was next to three targeted places : a mosque for Sunni people , Husainia ( where Shea people pray ) , and a police station . I still remember most of the explosions happened and I still remember how we prayed for the student 's and friends that we lost . One day that I will never forget was when they bombed the police station and the windows broke upon our heads . Everyone was running and screaming . It 's both funny and scary how everything you said you would do to protect your home becomes nothing when it comes to your life . However , I couldn 't run further than the school 's wall because I was looking my younger sister . I thought I lost her . I cried and asked for help but everyone was busy saving their lives because usually one explosion is not enough . My sister is way stronger than me . She came laughing and asking why I didn 't run home . I think she was taking it like a game . I took her hand and we ran home like everyone did . They stopped closing the schools when people got use to the sound of explosions and many kids already knew how dead bodies look like . Sometimes , when something explodes in the morning , we just wait until noon to go to school and hear the principle 's speech . She always mentions how brave and strong we are and how the future of the country depends on us . I think it always worked because every kid likes to feel like a superhero . I left Iraq two years after . And never went back . My dad took us to the United Arab Emirates . We found peace in there but as refugees we couldn 't have the rights that other people had . Many refugees couldn 't stay long because no one wanted us there . They made every day harder than the one before and it was also expensive to live there . I went to night school with my sister and my dad had to work three jobs to pay for it . Soon we found that there is no way we can live there . So we moved to Jordan in 2009 . And as almost everyone who lived there can say , it is expensive and there were no jobs . We had to live in a small place in the attic of some building . But at least we didn 't have to pay for our education . The schools there were dirty , so cold in winter , and as I remember most of the classes had 45 students in it . Sometimes you can 't breathe . Students , including me , lived what I like to call " psychological war " . They keep repeating that their life will end if they didn 't get an average above 90 . And for some it did end . It 's hard when your future is decided by a single percentage point like it did for students in Jordan . When I reached the 12th grade I had to drop high school . It wasn 't free anymore and my dad couldn 't afford it or the books . I think that 's the point when I started hating anyone who doesn 't respect a book because I 've always felt that books should be in reach of every human 's hand . I still remember how much I cried and prayed to get a chance to finish high school . After all , I was raised with the idea that education is the only way to get a good , respectful life . My dad always used to say to me and my two sisters " If I can 't give you money and a life like princesses have , I will try my best to educate you to get it for yourselves , and that is my inheritance for you " . He did his best and still does . When I struggled in both UAE and Jordan , I couldn 't always feel it because I calmed myself with saying I 've seen worse . My Family and I were blessed and lucky because America accepted us . I will never forget the moment we arrived the JFK Airport . All the fire , pain and chaos in my heart stopped ; finally we found a place that we can call a second home . I want to study Aerospace Engineering . And I want to have the chance to make up all the bad years that my family been through . This is just a small sample of what refugees face in their lives . I want to say that life isn 't easy to all of us , but if you have a home , and a chance to educate yourself , then love it , appreciate it and try your best to protect it . Because somewhere on this planet there are many people who just want to reach their home in one piece , and many other people who need a little money , not to buy a pair of shoes , but to buy books . And believe it or not I 'm certain that all of them wish to have the life that you have . Because I once did . My name is Bhim . I was born in Bhutan , but my earliest memories are from a refugee camp in eastern Nepal . The Camp was a city made of plastic and tin huts built with ever present mud and bamboo stems . I spent 15 years of my life there . I have many memories there with my beautiful family and parents . I also faced a lot of obstacles during my time in the refugee camp . We lived in a hut made of bamboo and sun dried molded bricks ; the roof was made of plastic and bamboo sticks . Our bathroom was a hole on the ground right outside of the house . There was not much privacy . Other family members could easily see you bare parts . My house was not that strong either . The slightest wind or rain used to wreak havoc on our existence . It used to rain for months during the summer . In the refugee camp , we had limited access to health care , and although what we had was free , there used to be a long line to see a doctor . Many people with fevers and other deadly diseases needed to wait for days before they could be seen by the doctor . He was a medically trained person , but we used to call him " doctor " because he was the only one we had seen around there prescribing medicine to patients . One day we learned that the United States was letting people in the camp apply for immigration to the United States . My parents were in doubt , initially , but once we heard about the better life in the USA , they jumped at the chance to move and applied for immigration . Moving to a new country with a new language , culture , and lifestyle was not easy . We knew very little and were a bit afraid . It made us very nervous and concerned . We knew we would be starting a life from scratch in another country . We were driven from Bhutan for being of an ethnicity and religion that was different from that of the King , even though my family had lived in Bhutan for four generations and long before the collapse of the British Empire . After living in Nepal as a refugee , as a nationless being , we embarked on the journey to a destination with hope , but nothing else . We heard about terrible stories from people who had arrived in the U . S . before us . They were facing a very difficult life . My family still had nightmarish memories of dragging little kids out of Bhutan , leaving the land and life they had built . We thought we were repeating the same saga once again . Along with the decision to immigrate to the U . S . , we also gave up any hope of returning to our land and house in Bhutan . Even after I got to the U . S . A . I was scared . I do not know what I was scared of , but it took years before that fear went away . I knew no rules and regulations . I was struggling at school with all new subject matter , language , and style . At the same time , I was amazed when I saw so many different kinds of people . I quickly learned diversity was not unique to my home town , but true of every city in U . S . I became more comfortable with the language , culture , and rules . I started to make friends . Life suddenly felt much better ; my parents and teachers played a critical role in making this happen . I am really thankful to them . I am extremely happy with what I have achieved , but I know that I have just started my journey . Me and people from my country have been through a lot since the war started . Life wasn 't easy at all . I still remember my friend , Rania , who went to shop for school supplies with her father when all of a sudden a bomb exploded next to them and turned them into pieces . That was a horrible thing to see and live with for anybody , especially to a 7 years old girl like me . We were deprived of our basic rights , we spent long days and nights without stepping outside from my house because we were afraid of the explosions that were happening , and we also stopped going to school for months because of the battles that happened in Baghdad . There were two strategic places next to my school , a mosque and a police station , which were always bombed . And sometimes in the days that an explosion happens , we do go to school , but delayed for 2 hours . So after all these events , we were forced to leave Baghdad and go to UAE . We faced many obstacles in the 5 years that we lived there . The high cost of visa , lodging , and school , we were simply unwelcomed as refugees to stay and live there , so we moved to Jordan only for one reason , to come to America . We lived there for 5 years , and because we were not citizens , we couldn 't work and if we did , we would go to jail or be sent back to Iraq , which was a certain fate of death . We 've been through a harsh circumstances , we couldn 't afford the expensive life there ; luckily the schools were free , except for the 12th grade which we have to pay . We couldn 't afford that so we had to leave school for a year . Until the day we all waited for , the refugees organization ( IOM ) called us and said : your flight to Albany , New York will be in April 8 , does this date works for you ? We couldn 't agree more , or be happier . It was the best moment of my life . Hi ! My name is Saw Pre Pre … ok ! I was born in Burma , Mon state ( not Karen state ) . Because of the war my parents were worried if I was born in Karen state that there would not be a nurse to help . Also , my mother might not have had time to give birth because of running from Burmese soldiers . I think you can already picture it in your head . Look … when I was young my life wasn 't fulfilled and I didn 't get what I wanted - basically food , education , clothes . If I were to compare American kids and refugee kids they are oil and water . I didn 't live in a refugee camp , but that doesn 't mean I 'm not a refugee … I 'm a REFUGEE from BURMA ! ! ! Who has run from the Burmese military , who has attacked the Karen people . My school was like a living room , a tiny tiny living room . You know when I lived there I saw many students in school buses with their beautiful uniforms , but I had the unlucky curse of being a refugee , and they didn 't allow us to attend a citizen 's school . Because of the education I 'm so upset , I feel down , all the time when my parents look at me their sympathy goes out to me . At that time we are registered to come to America but my mom is scared because of the new strange STRANGE STRANGE place . In the US , there are different living styles , food , culture , etc … OK ! ! ! Let me ask you , have you ever thought of going to a strange place to live ? How does that feel ? Because my mom was nervous ! Finally , I can go to school without any sadness , because here in Albany High School we can learn along with the citizens , and everyone is equal in speech and freedoms . My name is Sara Mohamed . I am 16 years old and I am Libyan Sudanese . My parents are from Sudan and me and my siblings were born in Libya . I have one sister and two brothers , and I am the youngest . One of my brothers is in Egypt and my sister and other brother … I don 't know where they are . Life in Libya was so easy and everything was cheap . School is so different in my country . I really love school so it was so easy for me to be good . For me when I was first going to school I felt like I was going to an amusement park . But for some other kids it 's like going to war and that 's true because if you are going to war and you know how to use your brain or your gun then you 'll definitely die . School was the same because if you didn 't study hard and score high then you 'll get beaten by a wire and sometimes a stick . So you always compete with your classmates and your best friends to be the best of the best . Back in Libya we didn 't have medical insurance . You pay for yourself from your own pocket , but for other injuries it 's free , all you have to do is buy your medicine . In February 2011 Libyan started their violent protest against the president . At that time my dad was in another country and my brothers and sister went to visit my aunt . So it was only me and my mom . Living in a house with an open ceiling living room so when they fight outside we can hear them right in front of the house . We slept in on room and locked the door on us during the night and when we open the door in the morning there were hundreds of bullets everywhere , every day for two months . For two months we only went shopping twice . I use to dress like a boy so nobody asks me something because during that time they kidnapped hundreds of kids , women , and even little girls , and rape them and kill them . That 's why I even cut my hair like a boy - no one could recognize me . It was really risky going out alone but if I didn 't we could have died from starving . After that the atmosphere calmed down a little bit so my dad came and decided to go to Egypt , but we couldn 't contact my siblings so we just went to Egypt and stayed at a refugee camp located between Libya and Egypt 's border . We stayed there for almost 4 years . We lived in a house that was made of sand , blankets , plastic , and wood . We made them by ourselves . We had three meals a day for each and a bottle of water . I use to keep all the water and sell it so I could buy us good food to eat . Finally after 4 years I came here to the US . I was really happy that I left that scary place , but it was really different from my country . My country is so loud . When in the streets you see a lot of kids playing , people walking , you hear loud music from stores and car horns . Everything was loud , but here is so quiet . When I first came I didn 't really speak English very well . I only knew how to say " My name is Sara " , " help me " , and a few words . Sometimes I feel bad because when I ask people walking on the street about the time or to give me directions they would walk away from me . I didn 't know why , I thought maybe because of how I dressed . Other times people were really curious - they asked me about my hijab and my country and sometimes about my religion . I didn 't really feel homesick then . The school here is really good . You have the opportunity to choose your classes and teachers are very good - and of course , there are no beatings ! I didn 't have any problems at school , everyone is so nice . After I graduate from High School I want to go to college and study even harder than now and become a good doctor . It has been my dream since I was a little girl because I really like helping others , it makes me so happy . But sometimes I feel like being a lawyer to help seek justice because in so many places in the world there is a lot of unfairness . After all , all I really want to do is help people . Leave a Reply Cancel reply Your email address will not be published . Required fields are marked * Comment Name * Email * Website Notify me of follow - up comments by email . Notify me of new posts by email . Share With Your Friends , Family , and Enemies ! Subscribe ! |
Throughout season 2 of Gomorrah , fans have seen Gennaro 's efforts to become a mob boss . He was willing to work with his father , Don Pietro , at first . Surely , father and son would have sought to avenge Imma 's death at the hands of Ciro . Right ? Well , not exactly . Don Pietro repeatedly rejected Gennaro . He blamed him for Ciro 's ability to form the Alliance . Worse , he gave him no credit for creating criminal connections with those in Honduras , who provide them with the drugs to sell . Granted , this is not the kind of stuff that would make a normal parent proud . But Don Pietro is a mob boss . Gennaro wrote him off after numerous attempts to win him over . During the season , we saw the rivalry between Ciro and Gennaro play out . They both had the chance to kill the other in season 2 , and neither went through with it . Then , they realized that they could make more money and keep the police away without stepping on one another . It worked for a short time . When Don Pietro starts messing with the Alliance to try win back his old life , Ciro and Gennaro are drawn together . We saw them meeting every once in a while . Each time , Ciro tried to convince Gennaro to work against his father . Ciro told Gennaro the poison of this situation is eating you alive . Those words were more important than you might have realized . The season finale reunited them in an unexpected way . The season finale opens with Lelluccio , Scianel 's son , opining on how Ciro is a traitor . All the while , he 's snorting cocaine . Next thing you know , he and his henchmen take bullets through the window . They were all dead in a flash . Ciro and his young daughter Maria Rita are still in their house . But they are mostly locked in . He has security guards and three cars taking her to school every day . Don Pietro starts earning more money now that he 's getting more people to join his squad . And he has eliminated everyone else . But one problem remains - Ciro . He tells Malamore to destroy him . Meanwhile , Patrizia is always present . Instead of killing Ciro , Don Pietro has Malamore kill Maria Rita . It 's dramatic . They shoot up the cars as she heads to school . You think she might get away with her driver . But Malamore rams into the car with his vehicle , hops out , kisses the crucifix around his neck , and shoots the little girl in the backseat . At least he looked pained when doing it . I have to admit , so far , that was the hardest scene to watch . Ciro attends Maria Rita 's burial alone with his security guards . Then , he heads to the roof . The guards come in and see his apartment in complete disarray . They run to the roof and find Ciro at the edge . He tells them he is setting them all free . He directs them to split the money in the safe between themselves and to go away . He stays on the roof . Even if these mob bosses have lots of people around them doing whatever they say , they end up alone . On the other hand , Gennaro has family . When we last saw him he was getting married to Azzurra . Many wondered why he and his bride never showed up to the reception . They were off having dinner . Meanwhile , her father got arrested at the party sans couple . Gennaro was testing his new wife . It reminded me of how his father explained the recognition that Imma would always be loyal to him . Turns out Gennaro 's antics at the wedding had greater significance . In this episode he visits his father - in - law in jail . Dad says the newlyweds offended him by not showing up to the reception . Gennaro responds , " I don 't want to share Azzurra with anyone . " The father then implies Gennaro was the snitch . Back at home Azzurra comes to the same conclusion . Indeed , Gennaro tells her , " Your father was making me a minority partner and that made me mad . You and I have to be in charge of our own destiny . " She agrees and reminds him that she 's betraying her own blood for him . After Don Pietro has Maria Rita killed , Don Pietro has fireworks go off . Literally . It was sick . Gennaro tells him that no one will let him get away with killing a child . He seems to be angry about it . His father says that Ciro killed " my Imma , who was my whole life . " Patrizia is standing there to hear it . Don Pietro shuns Gennaro again when he insists on getting paid for the drugs he 's delivering to his dad 's men . Don Pietro tells him , " You are the son of Pietro Savastano and nothing more . " Gennaro leaves . The chances of reconciliation seem slim . Patrizia tells Don Pietro that Gennaro has grown into a man , and he should treat him that way . She also reminds him that she betrayed her siblings . She became his soldier . She was willing to die for him . And now she has even tried to be a good wife . But she wouldn 't compete with a ghost . Then , she storms off . Later , you see Patrizia in a towel drying her hair . Don Pietro walks in . He tells her he is old , she is young . And that he is offering her a bad deal . But as long as he 's still walking , he says , it is because of her . Then , he hands her a ring to offer marriage . She kisses him . End scene . Everything was leading up to these final moments of season 2 . Don Pietro has Malamore and a driver bring him to Imma 's grave . There , he expresses his sorrow at her absence . He asks forgiveness of her for turning to Patrizia . He says he can 't stand to be alone anymore . Meanwhile , Gennaro finds Ciro in the corner of the roof like a sick dog . Gennaro has a gun in his hand . You wonder if his father has convinced him to kill . Ciro says , " I wanted to turn the world upside down , but I failed . " Gennaro hands the gun to Ciro and says , " Now , you have one more thing to do . " At the same time , Azzurra goes into labor . Gennaro is in the delivery room with his wife . Ciro shows up at Imma 's gravesite . Don Pietro says hello to him . Ciro , gun in hand , returns the greeting . Don Pietro says , " In the end , this is all there is . " Ciro agrees and shoots him in the head . Ciro walks away . Malamore and the other guy run to a dead Don Pietro . Gennaro 's son is born . The nurse asks what to call the baby . Gennaro answers , " Pietro . Pietro Savastano . " The latest episode of Gomorrah focused on family life . But it 's not what you 're thinking . Again , the writers had viewers pondering the personal lives of mobsters . Despite their callousness , they sometimes show glimmers of humanity . We 've caught glimpses of that in the last few episodes . Also , some important pivotal happenings took place . All this is setting us up for a riveting season finale ( to air June 21 on Sundance TV at 11 p . m . ET ) . Here 's what you need to know : These two are like magnets . Or the writers keep creating scenes with both of them because they know that 's what the audience wants . But they just give you a taste . The reunion is never more than a couple minutes . This time they meet in the streets , on the steps of some building . Gennaro wants Ciro to wish him well as he sets off to get married and anticipates the arrival of his baby . Gennaro adds that his father Don Pietro 's antics are only hurting Ciro . He says that he doesn 't care about what happens in Naples and that he is capable of selling his " stuff , " which refers to drugs , without the Alliance or his father . Ciro tells him that this situation is eating him up inside and that Gennaro is the one with the most to lose . He explains that if Don Pietro ends up losing , everyone will say it 's Gennaro 's fault for screwing everything up while dad was in jail . If Don Pietro loses , Gennaro will be left with nothing . Ciro has a point . The last thing Ciro says to Gennaro , however , is what stings the most . " You 're just like me , Gennaro . You 're just like me . " A mob wedding always lives up to the hype . The bride is gorgeous in a stunning dress that perfectly shows off her baby bump . The groom is going full Napoletano with his suit . Anyone who has been to a Neapolitan wedding ( or had one like me ) knows what I mean . But the wedding was more for Gennaro 's father - in - law . In fact , the couple joked that they didn 't know anyone coming to their nuptials . So , they took off after the ceremony to have dinner just the two of them . While they were away from the reception , the police showed up . They arrested the father of the bride . Uh oh ! It seems Ciro had a point that things might not work out as Gennaro expected . The father had been linked to a murder , a slip up that Gennaro had offered to clean up earlier in the episode . The father - in - law didn 't think it was necessary . After talking to the lawyer , Gennaro walks into the room with all the wedding gifts . He 's alone . He opens a painting of him , his late mother , and his father , Don Pietro . He punches his own portrait in the face . You get the sense the self loathing is real . And Ciro is right that this situation is eating him inside out . The episode began with Mulatto , one of the members of his alliance getting killed by his own security guards . Scianel was sent to prison the episode before . And we learn there 's virtually no one left in Ciro 's Alliance . Don Pietro is systematically ridding of them . He 's using the Alley kids to help him . Ciro 's closest allies want him to leave his home and go into hiding . At first , he says no . The Gypsy changes sides . Don Pietro says he 'll accept him only if he brings Ciro to him . He fails because Ciro figures out what he 's up to . Don Pietro has Malamore kill the Gypsy . By episode 's end , the tables have turned . Ciro is in hiding , and Don Pietro is back in his old house . I made a grave mistake in writing about last episode . I suggested that Don Pietro thought of Patrizia as a daughter . Not exactly . In this episode , she is helping him reorganize the house that has been closed up for some time now . He makes a remark that it feels as though nothing has changed . Indeed , she replies that she should probably stop working with him because he doesn 't need information from her anymore . Her siblings want her at home more . And they are angry with her for getting involved with these dangerous criminals . But Don Pietro responds that he 's wrong . Everything has changed , he says . He tells her he wants her to move in with him . When she does ( as if she had a choice ) , he comes into her room and puts his hands on our shoulders in a way that says she 's replacing his late dutiful wife . Well , well . Mob marriage has been a subject of analysis for years now . At first , viewers might not have noticed love as a subplot in Gomorrah . But episode 9 throws it in your face . Anyone who thought this was going to be about the other deadly sin , lust , should think again . Once you see the storyline in episode 9 , you realize that this conversation about love and marriage has been going on all along . What has been fascinating to me is that the Sopranos showed how most of the mobsters had a wife and a girlfriend . People are always assuming Europeans and particularly Italians have affairs . But none of the mob bosses in Gomorrah are cheating on spouses or longtime girlfriends . I 'm not sure if that 's the reality in the real - life Camorra . But that 's the depiction . Our first encounter with mob marriage is Don Pietro and his wife Imma . They are clearly in love . She wholeheartedly supports her husband 's criminal lifestyle . She takes over when he goes to jail . She does everything to turn their son Gennaro into a hardened criminal . Then , she makes the ultimate sacrifice . She gives her life to the cause . She knows full well Ciro is going to have her killed . She lets it happen to protect her son and support her husband . When Don Pietro breaks out of jail , we see him visit her gravesite . He is moved . And he wants their son to have Ciro eliminated as revenge . There 's a rift between them when Gennaro refuses . Gennaro and his girlfriend , with whom he lives , seem to be mirroring Imma and Don Pietro . She too is a child of a mob boss , but they are in Rome . Her father approves of Gennaro ; he considers him the future of the family business , in fact . Now , Gennaro and this woman are expecting a baby . Gennaro seems committed to her and the baby . She is from a different culture , though . This was brought up in an episode in which she throws him a birthday party in Rome . His friends from Naples come and rob someone there . It doesn 't go over well . But it depicted the distinct division between those from the south and those from further north , beginning with Rome . One of the most profoundly disturbing parts of season 2 was when Ciro killed his wife Debora . We learn in later episodes that they were childhood sweethearts . He cries as he is strangling her on the beach , what should have been a romantic setting . He is emotional when he cares for their mourning daughter . And he tells Gennaro to kill him because he murdered the mother of his child . The point of this was to show that no one is immune in this sick world . Death is all around these people . And ambition in this business could literally kill you or your loved ones . It drove Ciro to murder his only love , after all . Early in season 2 we get to know Marinela . She is female mob boss Scianel 's daughter - in - law . Her husband , Scianel 's son Lelluccio , is in jail . While he 's away Marinela is her mother - in - law 's slave . The relationship between mother - in - law and daughter - in - law in southern Italy has long been an issue . Men live at home for far longer than they do in the United States . Their mothers can be overbearing . They never think young women are good enough for their sons . They also always believe the women have ulterior motives . Some of this goes on in every culture . But it 's exaggerated because many extended families live together in southern Italy . Often , MILs mistreat their daughter - in - law . They might slight them . They criticize their housework and cooking . They might suggest they are unattractive or don 't dress well . Well , Scianel takes this abuse to a whole new level . She literally keeps her daughter - in - law under lock and key . She also " teaches " her how to cook . She tells her to be more like Patrizia , Marinela 's friend who no one knows is Don Pietro 's informant . Those are little snubs . She is also threatening and makes Marinela serve her constantly . She rarely leaves her alone . Marinela only really gets to see one other person on a regular basis . Mario , Scianel 's driver , is also with them often . A few episodes ago , viewers saw Mario and Marinela making love in the backseat of the car . Scianel was off on one of her nefarious errands . They express their love for one another . End scene . Scianel doesn 't appear to suspect . In episode 9 , however , she catches on . She overhears Marinela on the phone with Mario and realizes her daughter - in - law is cheating . She starts to notice the way the two look at each other . Scianel purposely gets another driver to take her to see Ciro and tells Mario to take Marinela home . Then , she follows them and sees them making love in the car . Marinela tells Mario that it 's over because Lelluccio is getting out of jail . But it 's too late . Scianel has Mario killed . She has the killer shoot him in the privates while Scianel looks on . She makes sure Marinela finds out . Lelluccio returns and is furious to learn about his cheating wife . He puts his hands on Marinela 's throat and threatens her . Meanwhile , Scianel and the others celebrate his return . Marinela tells him what seems to be true for everyone in this show : In fact , she also tells him that making love to Mario was the only beautiful thing she did in her life . Lelluccio has sex with a stranger , whose legs viewers see as she gets dressed . He calls Marinela and tells her that sex with someone else wasn 't good . He wants to see her . Scianel wants to kill her . But Lelluccio tells her to mind her business . Now that the prince is dead , everyone wants to take over the building where he was selling drugs . Scianel goes to Ciro and bids for her son . Ciro agrees Lelluccio will get the building . Trak and the " Alley kids " are angry . They beat up Lelluccio on the night he gets out of jail . The police stop them and take in Lelluccio for the night , which saves his life . It also enrages Scianel . She brutally murders Trak by having someone repeatedly dunk his head in a pool of his own blood and dirty water . Marinela is trapped . Her mother - in - law wants her dead . Her husband wants her sex . She is in a cycle of abuse and sees no way of getting out . Patrizia is still working at the clothing store , where Scianel shops . She and Marinela remain friends . Patrizia sees an opportunity to get Marinela out of this life and help Don Pietro . He is still trying to make those in Ciro 's alliance turn against one another . So far , it 's working . Then , Lelluccio calls his mother . He tells her he is coming over . He wants to see Marinela . That 's when Marinela calls the number Patrizia slipped her . The men tell Marinela to bring Lelluccio downstairs . Just as she is taking him out for a walk , she says she forgot her purse and to meet her downstairs . She takes two steps and they hear gunshots . She runs down and sees someone else is dead . She flees for her own life . Scianel tells her son they have to lay low until they figure out what this " disgusting whore " is up to . Marinela walks into the police station . The end of episode 9 brings viewers back to the start of the series . Back then , Ciro and Gennaro were not at war . Ciro was Gennaro 's mentor . They seemed to genuinely care for one another . Or at least as much as anyone in the mob could care for anyone else . Ciro shows up at the airport where Gennaro is arriving to see his family - the girlfriend and her father . Ciro tells Gennaro that he knows about his deal with the prince , who is now dead . He also reminds him that they were once friends . He says , " Together , we could have turned this world upside down . " He points out that if they get Gennaro 's father out of their way , they still can . He asks Gennaro to think about it . I think we 'll all be thinking about it until the next episode . Gomorrah is riveting . It 's not because of the thrilling storyline . That certainly helps . But it 's because of the profound characterizations of each personality in the show . Every viewer naturally gets to be an armchair psychologist . At this - the midway point of season 2 - you start to wonder if all the main characters are really the same person , just at different stages of life . Then , you start to think that the war they 're all having with each other is really just symbolic of the internal struggle we all face as we grow older . Sorry , but I had to wax philosophical . It 's the only way to live with what I 'm seeing on screen . Believe me , you have to live with what you see . It 's like a scar on your memory that you can 't scrub away . Still , watching is holding up a mirror to your face . It 's looking closely at every line and flaw and stray hair . It 's admitting there was a reason so many of our families ran from southern Italy , made lives elsewhere , and never looked back . Every once in a while , that 's important . Episodes 5 and 6 immediately addressed food and family , the driving forces of everything that happens in Italy . " Fame " means " hunger " in Italian . My husband says " la fame " is what hooks even seemingly innocent people into the disgusting life of the Camorra , the mafia in Naples . In the last episode of Gomorrah , which focused on Italy 's obsession with religion , you saw drug dealers smashing statues of the Madonna to get to their stashes . In this one , you see the dealers opening pineapples to get to the drugs . And the old man , Don Aniello , is eating an apple as he oversees them . He talks about how much he likes fruit . The fruit is highly symbolic and sets the tone for the rest of the episode . The warring families now run by Ciro and Gennaro ( and perhaps to some extent his father Pietro Savastano ) have to find peace , so money begins to flow into their neighborhood in Naples again . Until then , the people are forced to live with la fame . In various scenes , throughout both episodes , you see the ups and downs of the drug business symbolized by full dishes of pasta on the table . Don Pietro throws his dish of pasta across the room in an uproar over his son taking over their mafia family . You see Ciro and Rosario ( the Dwarf ) eating spaghetti with tomato sauce contemplating the future of the " dogs , " old friends of Gennaro 's who are still wet behind the ears and trying to play both sides . These junior mafiosi - Trak , Little Bird , and Bomber - are hungry for money . They live in a shack of an apartment that looks like a jail cell only grimier . They speak of the people starving in light of current events with the mob families . The trio act out by viciously robbing people at different points in the show . They clear out an entire apartment building to claim it as their own place to deal drugs . The bookie is making tomato sauce when Trak comes to shoot him in the head . In the end , the trio betrays their old friend Gennaro , who comes unarmed to woo them back to his side . They shoot and kill Angelino and injure Malamore , confidants of Gennaro 's father . But they refrain from killing Gennaro as per the agreement the two sides made with Don Aniello . At the end of the sixth episode , " the dogs " are still holed up in that prison of an apartment . But with their guns by their side for fear of retribution , they are finally eating . They too have dishes of spaghetti with tomato sauce in front of them . That dish - spaghetti with fresh tomato sauce - is poignant . After all , that is the most basic of meals for an Italian . It is representative of the bare necessities . Being able to have that is why so many people in Naples and the rest of hungry southern Italy are willing to put up with the atrocities of the Camorra . It feeds them . In the Sopranos , you always had the feeling that Tony wanted a different life for A . J . You got the sense , in fact , that he wished his father had wanted better for him , too . In Gomorrah , on the other hand , you get the feeling that Pietro wants Gennaro to be more like him and that he doesn 't want this criminal life enough . Pietro meets with his son at a store that sells bombonieri , favors for Italian events , such as weddings and baptisms . He explains to Gennaro that he bought 500 statues of the Madonna ( of Mount Carmel ) as the bombonieri for his son 's baptism . It was what his late wife wanted to thank the Madonna for the miracle she gave to them - a baby boy . Pietro tells Gennaro that his mother wasn 't supposed to be able to have children . And his Nonno wanted Pietro to find another woman because the Savastano crime family needed a male heir . Pietro was in love and insisted on marrying Genny 's mother . That 's why they were rewarded with him . Of course , then he described how he has let him down . He feels as though Ciro and Co . are attempting to humiliate him , and his son is going along with it . After all , Ciro asked to have a meeting with him about peace , not Don Pietro . By now , Gennaro has abandoned his father to Naples ( as his father wished ) . He is living a new life with his girlfriend , whose father works with Don Aniello in Rome . He has impressed the Romans with the cocaine supply he has coming from Honduras . His reign seems to be apparent . At the same time , viewers are seeing Ciro 's 10 - year - old daughter for the first time since he killed her mother . She is watching her father pack to leave for this meeting with Gennaro . She tells him that the new house doesn 't feel like home because the old house made it seem as though her mother was still with her . His face looks pained . He hugs her and tells her it will take time to get used to the old place . Once he arrives at the hotel , he speaks with his daughter on the phone and they express how much they miss one another . It 's one of the few times you see a loving side to this cold , calculated murderer . Not long after that Gennaro sneaks up on Ciro in his hotel room . He seems like he might finally kill him , which is what his father told him to do when he sent a gun made with a 3 - D printer . ( Oh yeah , technology is revolutionizing crime syndicates , too . ) Ciro tells him to shoot already because he 's sick of this life and of himself . He explains that he used his own two hands to kill " Debora mia , " his wife . Gennaro asks how he explained the death of his wife to his daughter . Ciro says that 's his business and to just shoot him . Instead , Gennaro throws the gun at him and says , " Remember this as the day I could have killed you but I didn 't . " The next day , they sign off on the peace treaty , which includes Ciro 's team buying drugs from Gennaro 's people , in front of Don Aniello . Ciro returns home and spoons his sleeping daughter in one of the few images of love apparent in this series . The agreement also has Don Pietro and his few henchmen imprisoned in one little part of town . This sends Don Pietro into a rage . Gennaro had previously told his father that their real problem was he never trusted him . Now , Gennaro was getting the family business in order - not to mention having saved his father 's life in Germany . Patrizia , Don Pietro 's messenger , says , " My father always said , ' Young children need you to give them milk . Grown up children need you to give them trust . ' " Don Pietro agrees that he will give Gennaro trust . He tells his men to follow the rules . This works out until Gennaro 's meeting with Trak , Little Bird , and Bomber ends with two of Pietro 's henchmen shot . Then , he says his son 's words don 't mean anything anymore . We 're left to wonder what their divisions will mean for the extended mob family . Di Meglio has written the Our Paesani column for ItaliansRus . com since 2003 . You can follow the Italian Mamma on Facebook or Twitter @ ItalianMamma10 . For more handmade crafts and party gear , visit the Italian Mamma store on Etsy . Criminal Catholicism refers to how mafia , such as the Camorra in Naples , defiles religion . In season 2 of Gomorrah the subject of how mob bosses and their loyalists relate to the Catholic Church is jaw dropping . Already in season 1 , viewers observed Don Salvatore 's devotion . He would go to church , pray , and indulge his mamma 's religious pursuits . Yet , he was a vicious mob boss , who murdered anyone who crossed him , including a young boy . He often invoked Jesus , even when intimidating and threatening fellow mobsters . In season 2 , the writers of Gomorrah put Don Salvatore 's bizarre religious rituals into focus . At the start of a pivotal episode , he serves as the godfather to the son of a henchman . During this time viewers learn something that the other characters never find out . Don Salvatore is gay . Or at least he is attracted to a transgender woman . He seems to have a real affection for her . But criminal Catholicism and society make him hide his true feelings in public . At the baptism , for instance , he turns away when his transgender partner is performing a song at the party . Later , he brings the transgender partner 's sister to his own birthday party and introduces her as his girlfriend . He sometimes kisses her in the street to show others he 's with a woman . Don Salvatore 's mother gets word her son is seeing a woman in the " blue houses " and asks to meet his special someone . He tells her they will meet when he is sure it 's a serious relationship . We learn from the transgender woman that Don Salvatore does not drink alcohol , do drugs , or have sex when she jokes about it with her family . We also see a scene in which the transgender woman tries to entice him to make love by taking off her shirt . He says she 's driving him crazy , but he can 't . They sweetly part . But he takes her sister outside to make others believe that is her real girlfriend . When the transgender partner shows up to sing at Don Salvatore 's birthday party , one of the henchman makes many loud , vulgar jokes about the transgender woman 's " pesce " or " fish . " The transgender woman and her sister posing as the girlfriend run out in tears . When the cake comes out , Don Salvatore takes the knife and coldly stabs the hand of the comedian henchman . Don Salvatore later explains he did it because the transgender woman was the sister of his girlfriend , and it was disrespectful . The henchman begs for forgiveness . But Don Salvatore takes away the henchman 's drug - selling piazza as a punishment . Despite a large transgender and gay population in Naples , homophobia is largely accepted . Part of the problem is the church 's criticism of the gay lifestyle . Don Salvatore prays and prays . He 's constantly making the sign of the cross . He has his henchmen hide drugs in religious statues that are his cover business . They smash Madonna statues numerous times in this episode . Indeed , the symbolism could not be more obvious . But stabbing that guy over the homophobic barbs would prove Don Salvatore 's fatal mistake . Ciro and Don Salvatore don 't like to share and it becomes clear one of them is going to take the other out . Ciro moves in to talk to the stabbed henchman and his best friend to get them to turn on Don Salvatore . The criminal Catholicism is never more obvious as it is at the end of episode 3 . Don Salvatore is present when the two henchmen declare to Ciro on the phone that they want to kill their boss . Don Salvatore restores the stabbed henchman 's drug selling post to thank him for his loyalty . Viewers are left to believe that Ciro is going to sleep with the fishes . The men had invited him to off Don Salvatore after a religious ceremony in his mother 's town in which he participates every year . This is where stuff gets weird . The ceremony has Don Salvatore 's mother helping to dress him in white sheets ( including a hood reminiscent of the KKK , which was meaningful to an American like me who related it to the maltreatment of gay and transgender people ) . He also carried a sponge with pricks in it that the men marching in the procession would use to slam their own chest . Don Salvatore kissed his mother , participated in the procession , cleaned himself of the blood from pricking and turned to his men . Ciro and the two others watched him . Then , the men held Ciro down on his knees while Don Salvatore told him of his oncoming demise . Finally , Don Salvatore commands the stabbed henchman to slit Ciro 's throat . Just as he is about to do it , he refrains and moves the knife up to Don Salvatore 's throat and quickly slashes it . Ironically , Don Salvatore dies with a pool of blood around him on the altar of the church . Don Salvatore 's death revives other mobsters . Don Pietro of the Savastano clan sees this death as his moment to make a comeback . He returns to Naples with the help of his henchman Malamore . First , Don Pietro tells his son Genny of his plans . But he is still distrusting of his boy . The tension between them is more than palpable . We also see Don Pietro visit the grave of his wife , who Ciro had killed . He promises her he will never leave her again . This kept up the theme of mutated love that we 've been witnessing in season 2 . Malamore brings his innocent niece , Patrizia , into the business by having her become an informant to Don Pietro , and they are holed up in an apartment of a retired couple , who were left with no choice but to take them in . What 's noteworthy about this is that the girl has a lion tattoo because her father , who was dead , had called her a lioness . Don Pietro tells her the tattoo would be unnecessary if she really was a lioness . So , she burns and mutilates her arm to remove the tattoo . This wins the trust of Don Pietro . Viewers also get insight into Scianel , the only woman participating in Ciro 's newly formed family . She 's particularly cruel and heartless with her daughter - in - law . While Scianel 's son is in jail , his wife is servant to his mother , who treats her like garbage . The girl is having an affair with one of the other henchmen and calls her MIL a witch behind her back . Di Meglio has written the Our Paesani column for ItaliansRus . com since 2003 . You can follow the Italian Mamma on Facebook or Twitter @ ItalianMamma10 . For more handmade crafts and party gear , visit the Italian Mamma store on Etsy . Gomorrah season 1 recap is my gift to those who are just tuning into Italy 's No . 1 TV drama . In it , you will find links to the descriptive recaps I wrote after each and every episode of the first season . The show is based on the critically acclaimed book Gomorrah by Roberto Saviano . It has been captivating Italians since 2014 . Recently , Sundance TV introduced Americans to the show about the Camorra , the mafia ring that began in Naples but has infiltrated many parts of the world . While the show and the book have unearthed the seediest elements of Naples , Italy , and mankind , I still recommend both . These are works of fiction based on fact . Indeed , much of what is portrayed on screen happened in real life . The book and show help consumers understand the back story of corruption . What leads people to this life ? Why the desperation ? Astute viewers will make connections between this world and the economic woes facing Italy . You might even better comprehend the division between north and south in the Boot . I 'm down with the Italian culture . My parents tuned into RAI my entire life . Now , I married a native of Italy , so I know a bit more than your average American about pop culture Italian style . I 've never seen a phenomenon quite like the popularity of Gomorrah . All my Italian friends and family could talk about was this show when it first aired . This was especially true on social media . Viewing Gomorrah is like a cult . It is more than must - see TV . It is TV that reflects the reality of their nation and their world in Naples . I think that 's what makes the violence and immorality so difficult for me to see . Truly , this struggle is real . Gomorrah , the TV show , was applauded Stateside , too . The New York Times named it among the best international shows in 2016 . Fans of the Sopranos , frankly , won 't want to miss it . This show gets at the underbelly of the mafia in a way even Sopranos could not . Indeed , there 's nothing glamorous about the life of a gangster anymore , if there ever was . If you are ready to join the other viewers , here 's to catching up on Gomorrah season 1 . Di Meglio has written the Our Paesani column for ItaliansRus . com since 2003 . You can follow the Italian Mamma on Facebook or Twitter @ ItalianMamma10 . For more handmade crafts and party gear , visit the Italian Mamma store on Etsy . I am angry with the world right now , and watching Gomorrah season 2 is not the best idea . Every character in the show relies on festering anger to culminate in a capacity for evil that is unthinkable among civilized people . Still , I can 't help myself , so I watch it like a train wreck . Or at least I watch it whenever my son is sleeping or at school . After all , this is not viewing material for kids . I 'm not even sure I 'm old enough to watch it . Gomorrah is a TV show that is based on the bestselling book of the same name by Roberto Saviano . While the story depicted in the series is fictional , it is based on real life events . The book and TV series allow the public a firsthand look at the ugly and vile life of those who join the Camorra , one of Italy 's most infamous gangs . Much like the Sopranos , which depicted the American version of this life , Gomorrah does nothing to glamorize the mafia . And Gomorrah season 2 takes the de - glamorization to the next level . For a full description of individual episodes , read the Gomorrah season 1 recap . By the end of season 1 , you had already bid arriverderci to Imma Savastano , wife of Don Pietro , the head of the Savastano clan , which was in a war with the Conte clan . You saw Don Pietro break out of jail . His top clansman Ciro Di Marzio was the one who had Imma killed . Not surprisingly Ciro switched sides and works for the Conte clan now . Many of Don Pietro 's men , in fact , ended up dead as war broke out in their family and continued with Conte and Co . Season 1 ended quite dramatically with a shootout at Ciro 's daughter 's school . There , where the children were performing a play , Ciro shot Gennaro , Imma and Don Pietro 's son , who had inherited responsibility of the " family business . " He seemed dead , but we weren 't quite sure . What would happen next ? That was anyone 's guess . But it sure wasn 't going to be pretty . The beauty of Gomorrah is the in - depth characterization of each personality in the cast . This is not your typical TV show . And in season 2 , you really get an up - close , emotional profile of the characters . More importantly , you could spend days analyzing their relationships with each other . I felt almost as though I was coming up with conversation for a book club meeting rather than a rundown of a TV drama . A warning to those reading , the TV show is really , really , really violent and gruesome . I have to shut it off and take a break sometimes . I definitely closed my eyes more than once in these first two episodes , and some people will find it difficult to watch . But this is the reality that many people experience in Naples and actually other parts of Europe and the world as these gangs branch out . Don Pietro is out of jail , learns of his son 's hospital stay , where he 's near death , and is forced to run away because so many of his men have been gunned down by the Conte clan . Ciro and his wife Debora and daughter Mariarita are also kind of on the run but still in the Naples area . They are mostly escaping the police , but there is always fear someone from the Savastano family will be back for revenge . Debora is terrified and angry with her husband for putting their daughter and her into this position . While many are treating them like royalty now that Ciro seems to be ruling the land , Debora is not having it . She wants to run far , far away . She 's worried about someone trying to kill them , and she 's most concerned with their daughter 's safety . She argues with Ciro , who is positioning himself within the Conte family . The Conte clan is clearly taking over the drug dealing and everything else the Savastano clan previously controlled . By the end of episode 1 , we see Genny open his eyes . He 's alive . And Ciro has killed his wife by choking her with his bare hands . He feared she was going to the police with his guilt about the school shooting . While Debora had considered it , she did not go through with talking to the police . But anyone who had watched the Sopranos will automatically make comparisons to when Adriana was killed . This was even harsher because Debora 's own husband was the murderer . The second episode of Gomorrah Season 2 is more focused on Genny , who has been out of the hospital for a year but has a noticeable scar on his face . He is back in Honduras , where he had been sent by his mother and first killed a man on his own in season 1 . This is important because this time around Genny forces a military captain , who is locked up by a drug cartel to hack up one of his own soldiers . It 's a horrific scene that will be burned into your mind . After Honduras , he returns to Italy , where he is trying to pick up the drug business and has a rendezvous with the daughter of a drug partner . Next , he is reunited with his father . The two of them eventually have a falling out about who 's to blame for the state of affairs and Imma 's death . They can 't reach their money , they can 't go home , and they must work with people who are on the outs with their own gang . Indeed , Mico , one of the men who was getting arms to the them , gets shot and killed while they are all at dinner together . Genny and Don Pietro have to flee . They steal one car and then have to run again when they encounter a road stop with more police . Don Pietro is taking medication ( for what we don 't know ) , and he gets sick while they are fleeing . Genny carries him on his back and then car jacks someone at a gas station to get another car . He forces the guy to join them and help him bring his father to the car . Then , he kills the guy on the side of the road as though he was picking up Tylenol for dad . Really disturbing . In the end , the Genny and Don Pietro sleep on the floor of an abandoned shed like farm animals . Don Pietro seems a little healthier , however . He calls someone to come pick him up . Don Pietro tells Genny his own time will come but now they must part ways . Genny seems frustrated . Dad seems relieved . One can only guess what 's going on with Ciro at this point . We 'll probably find out next week . You can watch a new episode on the Sundance channel every Wednesday night at 10 p . m . ET . Di Meglio has written the Our Paesani column for ItaliansRus . com since 2003 . You can follow the Italian Mamma on Facebook or Twitter @ ItalianMamma10 . For more handmade crafts and party gear , visit the Italian Mamma store on Etsy . For anyone just waking up to the phenomenon that is Gomorrah in Italy , here 's a quick rundown . The book Gomorrah , which was an investigative , first - hand look at Naples ' Camorra mafia , became a movie and the movie became a TV show . The book , movie , and TV show are hugely popular in Italy . People simply can 't get enough of this view of the intense , violent , and despicable life of those in the Italian mob . SundanceTV shared the series with viewers in the United States every Wednesday night at 10 p . m . ET . The first season has ended , and you can get recaps to catch up on what happened in the first six episodes , episodes 7 and 8 , and episodes 9 and 10 right here on Italian Mamma . Without further ado , here 's what happened on the season finale , which aired Sept . 28 : This show makes me sick to my stomach , yet I can 't turn away . It 's not that surprising considering in the course of season 1 a number of the characters in the film , mostly those who are novice gangsters , vomited themselves . Although I had heard a bit about how things would unfold before watching these last two episodes , I was still in shock about how it all went down . At the start of this season , Imma , the wife of the head of the Savastano clan , was all about making a man of her son , Gennaro . She wanted him to toughen up . Then , when she sent him to Honduras and Ciro to Spain , it seemed as though she just wanted to get rid of them . Both of them could have easily been killed on their trips . For one moment , Imma cried when her visiting her husband , Don Pietro , in jail and asking if she was doing the right thing with Gennaro , their son . I know Italian moms , and I never understood this one . I know she really exists out there in Napoli and other parts of Italy , too , for that matter . But I had never seen her come out of the darkness . It was a shock to say the least . This woman wanted her son to be a killer and put his own life in danger for the sake of money and some perverted sense of prestige and power . All the Italian mammas I know did the exact opposite ; they wanted to preserve the life of their children at all costs . After all , a mother gives you life . Finally , in these last episodes , you understand that in her own way and in this criminal world Imma was doing the same for her son . Besides forcing him to toughen up and become the leader of this family in his father 's absence , she was willing to die for him . In this final showing in season 1 , things come to a head with Ciro , once Gennaro 's best friend and right - hand man to Gennaro 's father . Imma and Gennaro may have miscalculated shunning him . And I think Imma was counting on Ciro getting killed and Gennaro sticking around after Spain and Honduras respectively . Unfortunately for her , it didn 't work out that way . Episode 11 opens with the funeral of Daniele , the young kid who got killed by Don Conte for offing his henchman Tonino Russo . Daniele did this because Ciro told him Gennaro wanted the hit , but that wasn 't true . Before getting killed he told Conte the truth . Conte understood that Ciro was doing this , so he could start a gang war and change sides . Gennaro and Imma had pushed him aside and started treating him like one of the young delinquents just starting out . He resented it , and he might have even been hurt by Gennaro 's maltreatment after all he had done for him leading up to this point . Then again , it 's hard to imagine any of these people have true feelings , especially Ciro , who grew up as an orphan , and thus far has shown little in the way of sentimentality . All I keep thinking is that he swallowed Don Pietro 's urine to guarantee his spot next to Gennaro in this family , and it didn 't matter . He drank the pee pee for naught . Can you imagine ? But I digress . Daniele 's friend Bruno has disappeared for fear someone will discover he helped hide Daniele in those few days before he was found and taken out . We also learn that Daniele 's brother , who had been shot while driving appeared to be dead and forgotten still in the car in an empty field . Bruno 's mother , however , found her son 's phone and heard the message Manu , Daniele 's girlfriend had left on his phone . Manu , 15 , was tortured and killed because she would not and could not tell Ciro where Daniele was hiding . She was a true innocent and knew nothing . Her phone message caught the start of her hell with Ciro , beginning with him tricking her into his car and beginning his threats . The mother shares the message with Imma , who is outraged and quickly decides what she has to do . In the meantime , this plan to start a war is working . The young friends of Gennaro are annoyed by the old men , who seem to be more loyal to Ciro and want to do things in a more honorable way . Well , they want to do things in a way that is honorable for criminals anyway ( not using drugs themselves , keeping their promises to fellow criminals , and never killing wives and children ) . The new generation doesn 't get any of this . When Zecchinetto , one of Don Pietro 's closest allies , fumes out loud about the new course of the Savastano family and this desire to continue the war , Gennaro 's henchmen go and kill him . One of the murderers was a nephew of another of the henchmen , who couldn 't believe one of his best friends was killed by his nephew for this one disagreement . Gennaro asks Ciro to talk to the old guys . The old guys ask Ciro to talk to Gennaro . He 's playing both of them like a fiddle to drive the war . And he starts talking to Salvatore Conte , the head of the rival family , who had been working with the Savastano clan since Ciro negotiated with him in Spain . Crazy ! Things are starting to catch up with Ciro , though . Imma calls a private meeting with him , and she knows she might get killed over this . She tells the woman who has been driving her around to take the recording of the phone message to her lawyer if something happens to her . She adds that she has to save her son 's life . Ciro meets Imma , and she plays the message for him . She tells him , " You killed a young girl , and you betrayed everyone . " She offers him the chance to make good by killing Conte and ending the war . But he 's not stupid . He knows she knows he 's not with the Savastano clan anymore . He takes the phone with the message on it . You 're pretty sure Ciro 's going to kill Imma , but you don 't realize how quickly it 's going to happen . The two leave the bar and go in different directions . Shots ring out and Imma falls to the side of the road . She 's gone . Shortly after Imma gets killed , viewers see one of Ciro 's guys carrying another woman 's body under an overpass with tons of garbage and covering it with plastic and other rubbish in the area . Next , the guy breaks the CD that Imma had given to her driver to bring to the lawyer . Driver 's gone , too . And the lawyer never heard the message . For a moment , you think Ciro is somehow going to get away with this . Aah , but even from beyond the grave , Donna Imma is a force to be reckoned with . She left another CD with the copied message in the fancy purse Gennaro bought for her in Spain before he had found himself as a criminal mastermind . Gennaro found it when seeking the clothes for her to bring to the funeral parlor . Of course , she knew he would . The envelope read , " Per il mio Gennaro , " which means " For my Gennaro . " Gennaro listened to the recording and got serious fast . Prior to this , he had been teary eyed . After all , despite having been angry with his mother and having a few words with her when he first returned from Honduras , they had become a team in his father 's absence . She made him . Viewers were certain of this during the mayoral election episode when Gennaro took his mother 's arm at the reception . Mamma e ' sempre mamma . Mamma is always mamma . Presumably he had also realized his mother gave her life to save his . Now , that 's something every Italian mamma I know would do . Earlier in the episode , Gennaro goes to visit his father , Pietro , the leader of the family in jail . He is bearded and looking unwell . Gennaro uses the metaphor of two parties - his and a friend 's - being on the same day to ask him for guidance about the potential gang war . Pietro doesn 't respond and seems incapable . Gennaro says nothing to his henchman in the car . But he does share it with Imma before she gets killed . Imma tells him to tell no one about Pietro 's mental state . He doesn 't . With Imma dead , the folks in the jailhouse have to break the news to Pietro , and he still shows no emotion and says nothing . He is a shell of a man , especially compared to what we saw in the first few episodes . Perhaps , jail has broken him . After Imma is dead and he knows about it , viewers see him getting transferred to another jail in cuffs and a maximum security truck with a cell inside it . Only another car comes heading for the truck . People start shooting at the cops and glass shatters . Everyone dead , and Pietro is completely stoic . He seems unaware of the carnage around him . Then , the gunmen set him free . You see a little light in his eye . Maybe he 's not completely gone . We should note that in the previous episodes leading up to this one , viewers are given the sense that Imma and Pietro - despite their ugly lifestyle - shared profound love for one another . Sick or not , they seemed to care for one another . Gennaro , for his part , puts on a good show for Ciro . He invites him to be with him in the funeral parlor and even in the car on the way to the burial site . Ciro seems concerned about this sudden return to their previous rapport , but he plays along . In the car , Gennaro asks Ciro if he 's a believer in God ? Conte , who is religious , had asked Ciro the same thing . The religious symbolism continues . Gennaro continues to say that " Only God knows how their story is going to end , " after he reminds Ciro of how he covered for him with his father back when he was too scared to kill the first guy when his father ordered him to do it . He also mentioned several times that God sees all and knows all . It was as though he was telling Ciro to his face that he knew he killed his mother . Once the pair arrive at the burial place , a typical outdoor Italian mausoleum , Ciro stands back , away from Gennaro . They stare each other down . Then , Ciro 's right - hand man , comes over and points out that none of Gennaro 's young henchmen are present for the funeral of Imma . Ciro suddenly understands they are out killing the old guys . When Ciro 's wife Deborah and their 10 - year - old daughter arrive , he quickly ushers them away from the scene before they can even give their condolences . Gennaro had previously given the order to make sure all the older gangsters were present to bid farewell to Imma ( so they would know where they were ) . Ciro and his family run and start packing bags and fleeing as people come searching for them . The henchmen shout that they will find him and that he 's a walking dead man . The new blood in the clan go house to house as the old guys return from the funeral and gun down everyone . Much like in the Sopranos , important characters were fair game . The only difference is that in Gomorrah , everyone gets killed in the same episode . No one is left of the old guard but Ciro . At this point , we know that he promised his daughter he would be at her chorus recital . Gennaro and the younger gangsters , who are just getting used to the stench of death , are holed up in an apartment building . Tension is running high . One of them hears a noise at the door and starts shooting . He kills a dog . The owner , Diego , is about 10 years old himself and is devastated . Gennaro learns that Diego 's father had died recently and he had given him the dog . His mother forces Diego back in the house and away from the dog and yells , " You don 't want to end up like the dog , do you ? " Later , Gennaro gives Diego a video game console and game after his mother tells him she doesn 't want to accept the gift . She tells her son that these are bad people and to stay away from them even if they gave him a nice present . Later on , Gennaro shows up at Diego 's house while his mom is picking up groceries . He lures him to come with him to a chorus recital and insists . When his mom arrives , she intervenes and forbids Diego from going and tells Gennaro to leave her son alone . He gets Diego to go with him . Diego disobeys his mother , who is physically trying to get to him and is blocked by one of the henchmen . While Gennaro is in the car with little Diego , he tells him he has a score to settle . He asks Diego what he would do if a person he trusted betrayed him and killed his mother . Diego says , " I 'd kill him . " Gennaro says , " You 're a good boy . " When they arrive at the recital , Gennaro pretends that Diego is his kid and that he needs to get on stage . While Diego is standing backstage and Ciro 's daughter and the other children , dressed like angels , are singing to the audience , Gennaro walks in and catches Ciro 's eye . They are far apart from one another and they begin shooting into the crowd . The others flee . Ciro 's wife and daughter escape . Gennaro is hit and falls to the ground . Ciro runs out and commands his wife to get in the car with their daughter . She grabs their daughter and tells him he 's crazy for having a shootout amid a children 's recital and that she 's not listening to him anymore . She runs off with their daughter . Ciro gets in the car and runs off with his henchman , presumably the only one left or one of a few left . As for the new regime behind Gennaro , they were driving on the highway presumably to help Gennaro when they were ambushed by Don Salvatore and his henchmen . Ciro is in this weird transitional period as he crosses over to this other family , and Salvatore wasn 't sure he could trust him , especially since he had promised that Gennaro was out of the picture when he wasn 't yet . So , Salvatore threatens to cut Ciro 's throat . Presumably , Ciro helps him track down these younger guys and he believes Gennaro . I don 't think anyone expected that Gennaro would try to pull off the hit during the recital with all those children around . When Salvatore ambushes the group , everyone gets killed . None of the young guys are left by the end of the episode either . In the end of the first season , Ciro and Pietro seem to be the only ones standing … until you see Gennaro 's arm move . He just might be coming back from the dead . Who knows what will happen next ? For anyone just waking up to the phenomenon that is Gomorrah in Italy , here 's a quick rundown . The book Gomorrah , which was an investigative , first - hand look at Naples ' Camorra mafia , became a movie and the movie became a TV show . The book , movie , and TV show are hugely popular in Italy . People simply can 't get enough of this view of the intense , violent , and despicable life of those in the Italian mob . Now , SundanceTV is sharing the series with viewers in the United States every Wednesday night at 10 p . m . ET . The first season is well underway , and you can get recaps to catch up on what happened in the first six episodes and episodes 7 and 8 right here on Italian Mamma . Without further ado , here 's what happened on the Sept . 21 showing : For me , these were the most difficult episodes to watch , so far . The characters are so evil and their actions so gruesome that I begin to lose all faith in humanity and certainly in my Neapolitan roots , which normally draw great pride . As I saw it , these two episodes gave viewers insight into how decent young kids get lured into this life of crime and how predictable and tragic their end will be . There is no doubt , once you are in the mob , you are only getting out by death ( usually heinous ) or prison . And most of the people never get to taste power or riches . It 's a sad and lonely existence without love or joy . It 's an ugly and scary world in which they must live . Frankly , that 's not the Italy - or even the Napoli - I know , thank God . But it 's real . What makes Gomorrah more important than your usual gangster entertainment is that it holds up a mirror to the devastating reality being lived out in southern Italy , and it forces people like me to see the side of this place they never see . It hurts , but it 's the only way to bring about change , and it 's a new kind of journalism that actually fictionalizes news stories , so the public pays more attention to them and better understands what 's happening . In fact , the story is so real that the young man , who portrayed Daniele in these episodes , was chosen because his family did have connections to the Camorra . In a sad turn of events , shortly after his appearance in the show , the real actor , Vincenzo Esposito , ended up in jail for a violent mob attack that saw a man get stabbed 10 times , according to the Daily Mail . Now , exactly how did these episodes make such statements ? Well , it all begins with Daniele , the teenage boy Ciro had recruited in the last episode . We quickly learn that Daniele has a girlfriend Manu with whom he is in love . She 's a disciplined young woman , who works in a hair salon and lives by her father 's rules . She 's on the straight and narrow and isn 't the type to hang out with any Camorristi . Daniele never tells her what he has gotten involved in , but he does give her a rose gold ring with a fake diamond ( after he makes a little bit of money from Ciro ) and asks her to marry him . She replies , " Yes . " Aah , young love ! But , of course , fate will get in the way of the romance . Ciro is using Daniele ( surprise ! surprise ! ) to push Gennaro , who has quickly devolved into Ciro 's arch enemy , into a war with a rival gang , run by Salvatore Conte ( from the previous episode when Imma sent Ciro to Spain to kill or be killed ) . He tells Daniele to kill Tonino Russo , one of Conte 's senior consiglieri , who was getting chummy with Gennaro , who had promised the two clans would work together and show loyalty . But Ciro doesn 't tell the young Daniele who he was killing . He just says Gennaro wants the man dead because of a debt he owes and that he 's a " nobody . " We learn that Daniele 's mother is worried about her older son , who is gone for months at a time . It turns out he is the driver for Conte , who Ciro had encountered in Spain , too . So , you start to connect the dots . Well , Daniele kills all the people in the warehouse , including Tonino Russo and is in a bit of shock . He doesn 't go home as Ciro advised . Instead , he sneaks away with Manu for some loving . That 's when he gives her the ring . Then , the two go to a bar , where Ciro sees the news and learns who he has killed and the fact that this death is likely to ignite a gang war . Furious , he calls Ciro and demands to know why he didn 't say who it was . Ciro tells him to get home . He leaves Manu at the bar stranded but promises to get his friend Bruno , a good kid , who works in a fish market , to pick her up . When Daniele returns home , he finds mobsters outside his door talking about how they are going to lure him to kill him . He escapes and goes into hiding . Meanwhile , Manu is getting concerned no one is picking her up . Ciro has seen her picture and rolls up . He picks her up and takes her to an empty lot , where he tortures her in the hopes she 'll break and tell him where Daniele is . She , however , honestly doesn 't know . In the end , Ciro violently burns Manu and the car they were in . All that remains is the ring , which the authorities try to use to identify her when reporting the crime to the public . Ciro then shows up at the factory where Daniele 's mother works and puts pressure on her to call him if she hears from Daniele . Ciro has no choice but to tell Gennaro that Daniele made the hit and therefore it has the Savastano clan name on it . Gennaro is outraged and tells Ciro to find the boy . Genny tries to clear up matters by visiting Russo 's wife at the house after the funeral and insisting that his family did not do this and that he 's truly sorry for her loss . She doesn 't buy it but remains completely silent . Daniele 's brother is chauffeuring Conte from Spain to Italy because he wants to find out who killed one of his top men . He believes it was Gennaro , but he can 't be sure what 's happening . Early in the trip , the driver gets a call from his mother concerned about where his little brother , Daniele , is because he never returned home . The elder son thinks she is overreacting . Then , he gets a call from his brother , who he keeps brushing off because he doesn 't want to upset Conte . When they finally talk , the brother can 't believe Daniele 's part in these murders . His response is to try and kill Conte , who fights back and gets the brother to spill the beans on what happened . It 's important to note that Conte is a man of faith despite or perhaps because of his criminality . He brought this up to Ciro in the first episode he was in , and viewers watch him say the Rosary and pray for strength in a gang war at church in this one . Conte tells the driver he understands his brother committed the murder under orders and didn 't know what he was initiating . He promises to help them both and put them in hiding with their mother as long as the brother takes him to Daniele , who is holed up in an abandoned factory where their father had once worked . When Conte and the driver arrive , Conte tells the brother to thank God for putting him in the Conte car because he 's going to save them . He gets out of the car . At first , Daniele is concerned and has his hand on his gun . Conte promises him that everything is going to be okay , that he can trust him . He gets closer to him and promises that the worst is over . He asks Daniele to come in for a hug to get his forgiveness . At first he hugs the young boy hard , and you wonder if maybe he really is going to help them . But then he grabs the gun from Daniele 's pocket and blows his head off . His brother in the car is next , but he takes off . It 's unclear if he got hit or not . Conte stands alone . End scene . End episode but not before you get a view of the young Daniele 's lifeless bodyDi Meglio has written the Our Paesani column for ItaliansRus . com since 2003 . You can follow the Italian Mamma on Facebook or Twitter @ ItalianMamma10 . For anyone just waking up to the phenomenon that is Gomorrah in Italy , here 's a quick rundown . The book Gomorrah , which was an investigative , first - hand look at Naples ' Camorra mafia , became a movie and the movie became a TV show . The book , movie , and TV show are hugely popular in Italy . People simply can 't get enough of this view of the intense , violent , and despicable life of those in the Italian mob . Now , SundanceTV is sharing the series with viewers in the United States every Wednesday night at 10 p . m . ET . The first season is well underway , and you can get recaps to catch up on what happened in the first six episodes right here on Italian Mamma . Without further ado , here 's what happened on the Sept . 14 showing : The real basket of deplorables are the characters in the TV series Gomorrah . First , Imma sent her son Gennaro to Honduras to kill or be killed and Ciro , her husband 's beloved henchman , to get lost in Spain . Both defied the odds and returned to Naples and Imma . Ciro , grateful to be alive , was keen on getting back his place in the top of the family , alongside Gennaro . But Imma had other ideas . She stepped on Ciro and had him running the new post for selling drugs , a job usually reserved for young boys . Gennaro , known as Genny to friends , returns a new man , more like a monster . This is a testament to the impeccable acting on this show . Sporting a new mohawk , the kid who vomited at the sight of someone else committing murder , walked in his mother 's house and killed her new dog , who had bitten him . When his mother got up to see what happened , he told her he should have killed her , too . Even his eyes were those of a murderer . It was terrifying . Back at the shop , an apartment complex and park , replete with the Virgin Mary statue , the junkies are making too much noise and upsetting Ciro . His anxiety and disappointment is evident when he punches one of these guys and knocks him to the ground . The competition gets wind of this family taking over on their turf and begins to fight back . They burn a car . They chop off the head of the Virgin Mary statue . Imma replaces the statue and has it blessed by a priest in a ceremony that disrupts Ciro 's drug sales . This all began because Imma wanted a new cop - free zone to sell drugs . So , she scouts locations and finds a great spot but needs people to let her into their apartments , so she has a view of the park below . A lesbian , who dressed like a man most of the time and called herself Luca ( a male name in Italian ) , approaches Imma and explains that her father 's bridal shop owed this guy $ 70 , 000 , so her father had killed himself and now she was stuck with the debt . In exchange for Imma 's help with this guy ( Imma kills him when he doesn 't rid of the debt ) , Luca lets Imma 's men sit on her porch . Then , the girl kills for Imma . She shoots two guys while they are watching a children 's soccer game . The people run away and leave the two men dead on the bleachers . Luca , while trying on a wedding dress in her father 's shop , is met by two men with rifles , who chase her into the butcher shop and murder her . The blood spills all over the white dress . Now , the men - Ciro and company - want to retaliate and it 's looking more and more like a mafia war is coming . Many say that this would not be happening if Don Pietro wasn 't in jail . Imma silences them all . She tells Ciro he is going to do what she says , period . Then , she has them arrange a meeting with these competitors - anywhere they want to meet even on their turf - and she goes . Imma tells the men that her son , with his work in Honduras , is responsible for getting them good products at low costs and they are going to have to accept this family is in control now . And she tells them they are mistaken if they think because she 's a woman , she won 't kill . That 's the end of that problem . In the meantime , Gennaro is a completely different person now . Why shouldn 't he be ? He was holed up in a shack and forced to kill a person by chopping him up . He didn 't know if he 'd live or die . Back in Napoli , he is downright cruel to Ciro , once his best friend and confidant . He has it out with his mother , who says she abandoned him in Honduras to make him stronger and turn him into the boss . He accepts and the two become partners in crime ( literally ) by the show 's end . The men have a meeting with Gennaro and without Imma at a restaurant . It was supposed to be his homecoming of sorts . The waiter knows Gennaro from school and is a little loud . He tells the story of how he used to call Genny the red pepper because he would turn red and was a little chubby . And he asked about getting another job because waiting tables since he 's been out of jail has been tough . Genny says they 'll talk later . After a few moments , Genny gets up and the men hear gunfire . He shot and killed the waiter . Then , he tells Ciro he has to clean up the mess and get rid of the body . At one point , he tells Ciro , it 's my turn now . My father is gone , and I 'm the boss . Gennaro also gets his buddy who we 've seen partying with him in the club and is a City Council member , to run agains the mayor . Note that Gennaro declines to snort cocaine , which is an indication that he is more serious about business Now , the current mayor is a friend of Gennaro 's father and has always been on the family 's side . But Gennaro wants to show who 's in charge now . He gets all the guys to help him rig the ballot box on Election Day . And he uses force to sway voters . He even goes so far as to break the glass table of the current mayor . Most disturbingly , he starts a romantic relationship with the daughter of a doctor , who is on the city council and doesn 't want to give his votes to this new opposition to the mayor and wants no part of the mafia . He has sex with her on numerous occasions , and she seems to really be interested in him . He strong - arms the doctor and agrees to quit dating his daughter if he hands over the votes , which he does , of course . Gennaro holds his end of the bargain but not before sleeping with her and telling her father in great detail about it . Disgusting . Disgraceful . Deplorable . There were a couple of things worth noting in the episode . When preparing the park for selling drugs , the men are polite to the tenants of the apartment complex and help the elderly and women with children to cross the street and get through the construction zone . At another point in the episode , one of the henchmen tells Gennaro that , yes , they have to make money but everyone in town has to eat . You get the sense that some of them think they are doing good for their community by being these kinds of criminals . That might be why Italy has had such a hard time getting rid of these gangsters . Also , I took note of how the drug dealers often hid behind saints while running from the competition or cops . The symbolism of Italy hiding behind its religion , and the Virgin Mary getting beheaded was not lost on me . The whole insight into the corrupt political system combined with these other messages are difficult to watch . The truth really does hurt . |
Posted by Scorpion Sting on May 27 , 2015 I 'm a fan of most trivia , I like the challenge of trying to answer a vast array of questions . Lucky for me ( or un - lucky if you will ) I found this little app called Trivia Crack . They named this app the absolute correct thing , its truly like crack . Not that I 've had crack before , but I smoke , so I know addiction quite well . After two weeks of playing , yes only two weeks , I have begun to suffer from massive disappointment . Why ? I have many reasons , but a few stand out as being my biggest annoyances . First of all , I 'm sick of all of the fucking sports questions . Well , okay , not all the sports questions , but there are so fucking many football questions that they make my eyes bleed . After a while it just feels that I 'm nothing but a football trivia game . Also , all the pop culture reality television questions that are very common . But that 's only my opinion , but then again I don 't kill many brain cells watching television , mostly the news , which is reality enough for me . The in app pop ups got old the first day , I have little patience for an app that is one giant advertisement factory . Don 't get me wrong , I enjoy the game overall , I play with a few friends and 9 family members , so it really fills " down time " or times of " boredom " . However , I was pleased to find this game has a section for players to submit questions , y ' all have read my blog before , I know allot of useless shit I like to share with people who will read it . So , I figured it would be nice to add some color or flavor to the question pool . As of this morning , I have submitted exactly 200 questions , one of which has been approved . I have come to the early conclusion that this is not a thinkers game , its more like the old board game Trivial Pursuit , Juniors Edition . My questions were all entered into the Geography , History , and Science categories . I have answered well over 4 , 000 questions correctly in this game and have found there are very few , if any questions about classic rock history , individual state history , or real life science type questions . These are things I have quite a bit of trivia knowledge about , so I decided to try , an attempt at reality in real life , to bring something , that in my opinion , that this game lacks . Don 't get me wrong , its full of thousands of fantastic questions , and its a fun game to play , but come on , there needs to be a bit more challenging questions than what is currently offered . I 've been doing some research , reading what others are saying about this game . I 'm not alone it appears , which really wasn 't as much as a surprise as one would think . I learned I 'm not the only one frustrated with the process of getting questions approved to get added to the question pool . Seems people are looking for simple questions , the no brainers , because to them it is about coins and levels . Sounds allot like I 'm in the midst of allot of teenagers with very little in the life experience department . Seems people don 't want to learn anything , they just want to answer questions they already know . Where is the challenge in that ? If you answered there is no challenge then you answered correctly . So , why do I care ? Good question . I don 't think that can be answered . I have found , over the years I 've spent on the internet , being a part of forums , discussions , and so forth , that people don 't want to be challenged . People want easy . I get it . I don 't like it , but I get it . I don 't participate much anymore in social media , seems it is just a tool nowadays to promote my blog . Which , as it stands , works very little in my advantage because I 'm not " liking " other people 's status updates or retweeting their tweet . In the end I get what I give , very little . I 'm at the point where I 'm done wasting my time and the time of others . I 'm just going to write , post , and update my blogs , and if people come to read they do , if not , well then not . Back to the game , I guess my point is that I would like to see it improve , I 'm proactive in the way that , yes I 'm going to bitch about it , but I also have solutions . But maybe I see things as broken , needing improvement , when in reality , its functioning as designed , flaws and all . Oh , yea , I almost forgot , my Trivia Crack account isn 't linked to either of my Facebook accounts , which is why you don 't see it as one of my apps or don 't see my " accomplishments " either . Nor at any time in the future will it be linked to anything . Your welcome . Those of y ' all who know who I am can find me , if you want to find me that is . It 's sad , but after two weeks I 'm burnt out of this game , I get no real pleasure from it any more . It boasts a pool of over one million active questions but I keep seeing so many repeats . Maybe , since it has only been going since December 2014 in the United States , it will improve over time , maybe others will get bored with it all and start reviewing questions for approval . I have rated over 4 , 000 questions and have yet to see one of them in the pool . Makes me wonder how many questions are actually waiting in the question factory . If you play , I can only ask you to try to make it a better place for everyone . Remember that all age groups are playing and some of us are pretty burned out on the Disney and sports questions . Maybe I will start my own trivia game . I will start it with one question , who ever answers the question correctly gets to ask the next question , and so on and so forth . It will probably bomb big time , it will require reading , not skimming , actual reading . Do we even read anything anymore ? Are we a society of skimmers , looking for keywords , trying to find that crumb of something that interests us ? Anyway , we 'll see how this all plays out . As mentioned , I will not be making separate entries ( announcements ) on the regular social media channels anymore . If y ' all find the posts y ' all do , if not then we 've both missed out . Who knows , maybe this will work out for the best for all of us because I know y ' all get tired of seeing my useless shit anyway . I guess that 's it . I will continue to play my game , I will continue posting here about things that stand out in my life , and maybe one day something we all do will mean something to someone else besides ourselves . The bigger the internet gets the harder it is to stand out . I kinda like the view from under the radar . A note on future posts , a little housekeeping if you will , I have quite a few email submissions in the que , on a variety of subjects and topics , some of which I will discuss in further depth later on . It gets harder and harder , day by day , but I think its time to take this blog back to it 's roots , because it began as a diary style blog , full of the many things kicking around in my brain . I thinks its time again . As always , use the tag cloud on the right of the page or the search block at the top of the page to search for things I may have posted here . Y ' all do a good job of using both , as well as emailing me questions and ideas . Y ' all keep up the good work , soon enough some of y ' all will begin seeing your stories here . I know , let the confetti cannons thunder on in a downpour of tiny slivers of paper . In a curious way I ask , what games do y ' all play on your phone , tablet , or computer ? Do y ' all have any you really enjoy playing ? Want to play me in Trivia Crack ? Reply here or in email with your " handle " or player " name " and I will look you up . Until we meet again , just know that I want y ' all to enjoy your stay , but if you hate your stay here it was based on a choice you made . I can 't be held responsible for your personal choices now can I ? Posted in T . S . O . T . S . B . The Sting Of The Scorpion Blog , T . S . O . T . S . B . Trivia Game Tagged Addiction , Adhereance , Advertisements , Age Group , Annoyance , Answers , App , Art , Association , Blog , Boring , Choices , Coins , Common , Compatibility , Consumption , Countries , Crack , Deduction , Education , Entertainment , Experience , Family , Friends , Fun , Game , Genre , Geography , Global , Guidelines , Hard , History , Interesting , International , Internet , Judge , Junk , Knowledge , Levels , Medium , Multiple Choice , Network , Percentage , Posts , Purpose , Question Pool , Questions , Rating System , Regional , Right , Rules , Science , Simple , Smoke , Social Media , Sports , Status , Strangers , Submissions , Submitted Questions , T . S . O . T . S . B . The Sting Of The Scorpion Blog , T . S . O . T . S . B . Trivia Game , Time , Time Killer , Trivia , Trivia Crack , Trivial Pursuit , Update , Useless Information , Wrong Thank You Karma , I 've Been Patient Posted by Scorpion Sting on July 31 , 2014 So , I was working at the club last night , bored to the point I was actually on the verge of falling asleep standing up . Then , a ringtone begins to play on my phone , one I have not heard in many years , " The Bitch Is Back " , when I look at the screen to make sure it is who I think it is , I see " The Cunt " is calling . Before I get into this wonderful conversation , let me remind y ' all that in just over 15 years , I have spoken with my ex on the phone 4 times , and in person twice . Needless to say , we are on less than talking terms , much less being cordial terms with one another . But she called , which had to be hard for her personally , and now I am wasting my time " writing " about her cuntness while sitting here in my shop with better things to do , like scraping the duck shit off of my 50 year old iron bench so I can refinish it later . Oh Yea , the phone call . When I first saw who it was I did smile a bit , but only because I was hoping she was calling me to say " I 'm sorry " and " you are right " . It makes me smile because in 12 years of marriage and all the years since , I have never heard those words . Oh well , I better see what she wants so I don 't have to listen to a lengthy voicemail . It started off polite enough , almost like she was reading a prewritten script or something . I know I am the last person on Earth she wanted to be calling . Like normal , she talked and I listened , this is just the way it works , she wants something I have , and I just listen . This time it was different , this time there were a couple of " pleases " there and a bit of gratitude in her voice . I had to pull my phone back twice to make sure who was calling me . Very strange indeed . So , what does she want ? Well , that 's complicated . So you understand better , I need to take y ' all back to when we were getting divorced because it would appear she made a few boo boos filing her taxes and now she has an appointment to discuss the discrepancies . Anyway , part of the terms of our divorce were for her to receive proceeds from the sale , rental , or lease from the house we once called home . It always struck a nerve with me because this house was only in my name . But whatever , community property is what it is . The market to sell was very soft , so , with the aid of a realitor , which I paid for 100 % , we put it on the market to rent . Now , I remind y ' all , by this time I was out if the Air Force , living in Houston , and this house is in Alamogordo New Mexico . Within a month of our divorce a military couple were signing a rental agreement . Since I was still paying for the house , each month there was about $ 500 remaining , which I was oblidged to split with my now ex - wife . I made sure I wrote a paper check each month for ease of keeping the records straight . After around 3 years of the same couple renting the house , I received an offer to purchase it , cash . Seems the housing market was on the rise there . I purchased the house for $ 57 , 000 . 00 , put another $ 10k into it , and at the point when they made the offer , I still owed the bank roughly $ 18k . What was their offer for this 2900 sq ft , 4 bedroom , 2 1 / 2 bath house ? $ 98 , 699 . 00 plus closing costs with immediate move in . Without thinking , I agreed to the sale . But the cunt would not see half because I protested the decree and proved she never spent a penny on the house , the judge awarded her $ 20 , 021 . 09 payable over the next 16 months . OK , so here is the problem , never did she report any of the proceeds from the rent or the final sale as income or a source of revenue when she filed her taxes . Oops . So , as it stands , she is claiming ignorance , and she has been given 30 days to prove she shouldn 't owe over $ 56k in taxes , penalties , and fines . She has been trying , unsuccessfully obviously , to do this on her own , leaving only a few more days before the 5th of August rolls around . Like I told her , I am not giving up any information without written proof she needs my information . When I asked what I get in return for graciously taking time out of my life to copy all the shit she needs , she offered to take me out for steak . I told her , in that case , when she shows up at my front gate to pick up her package , because I refused to do everything for her , for her to leave enough time for dinner . After a long , very dramatic pause , with a sigh , she agreed to meet with me on Saturday . So , why am I helping the cunt ? Its easy , I don 't want her mess getting on me , because trust me , she would find a way to suck me down that rabbit hole . Meanwhile , in exchange for the documents she has requested , my lawyer has drawn up documents that she must sign which release me from any obligations , financially or otherwise , and it includes a detailed inventory of all the documents so if push comes to shove , I can show I provided up , above , and beyond everything I could . No sign , no copies . Luckily for me , I keep the records of my past life neatly tucked away in a small three drawer filing cabinet . Lucky for her I packratted all of this away or she would be fucked and she probably doesn 't like prison orange anyway . You want funny ? As she reads along with you here today she is realizing that I truly don 't give a fuck about her situation and that this life lesson is one that will soon be forgotten by her because that is just the way she is . Yes , she reads my blog , only because my daughter sees to it on occasion for some reason . In the end , my dearest cunt , I can only thank you because you gave me something to do with my time and gave me something special to write about today . See you Saturday . Remember not to be sad in your time of need because , like always I am prepared , something you never took the time to learn . Posted in T . S . O . T . S . B . Archives , T . S . O . T . S . B . The Sting Of The Scorpion Blog Posted in T . S . O . T . S . B . On Pinterest , T . S . O . T . S . B . Pictures And Things Tagged Judge , Kids , Parents , Park , Popsicle , T . S . O . T . S . B . On Pinterest , T . S . O . T . S . B . Pictures And Things , Youths So , I Was Arrested One Night Posted by Scorpion Sting on January 16 , 2014 But before I get into my arrest let me begin by telling you what led up to it . When I was pulling up in my driveway two months ago I got out of my car to get the mail out of the mail box when I noticed across the street the young couple living there having an argument in front of their house . There was some pushing and shoving , there was yelling and cussing , and just like that it was over . I watched the front of their house as I drove up my drive to park . Nothing . I was just thinking to myself if I needed to call the police department but since I couldn 't see or hear anything I let it pass . About an hour later , just as darkness was settling in behind the trees , I was taking the trash out to the cans and I heard them yelling again . I jumped on my ATV and headed back down the end of my driveway to see what was going on . By the time I got down there it was over once again . Later in the night my wife were sitting out on the front porch talking when we heard glass breaking and then moments later a horrible scream . I told my wife to call the police right now and I took my ATV down to see what had happened . As I crossed the street leaving my driveway I could see a body laying off to the side of their driveway . As I got closer I could see it was the young lady and her body was twisted in an odd fashion . I get off the ATV in a panic of sorts to see if she is alive . Alive , yes , but really bloody . After I quickly surveyed my surroundings I determined the husband must still be in the house . She was trying to talk but the blood in her mouth made only gurgling noises . She had been pushed out of the second story sliding glass doors before falling off of the deck , landing in the grass . Her face was bloody , I tried to wipe it off to see where the blood was coming from but it kept pouring out just in front of her right ear . She was on top of her right leg and the way it sat I knew it was broken . When I straightened her legs out it was obvious it was broke as there was a sharp bone protruding through her pants . All I could do at this point was take off my shirt and hold it over her open leg wound in hopes to slow the bleeding . I could hear the sirens in the close distance . I saw my wife at the end of the driveway directing them in . The police car was first , then an ambulance , and then the fire truck . The police officer asked what happened , he asked who I was , and what did I know . He walked me about 10 feet away from Sarah as the paramedics took over . Out of the blue her husband comes charging out yelling at the police officer that he wanted me arrested for trespassing . This instantly enraged me I suppose because I took two step and started pounding him in the head with every ounce of strength I had in me . In a matter of seconds he and I were both a bloody mess , not my blood , just his , as he never had a chance to swing back . For an instant I wanted him in the same pain he put his wife in , I wanted him to suffer , and it felt good pounding him under a full rush of adrenalin . When we were separated we were both placed in handcuffs and sat in two separate cars . An investigator opened my door about ten minutes later to inform me that I was being arrested because the husband was pressing charges . I was removed from the car in a kind manner , patted down , read my rights , and placed back in the car . I watched the ambulance leave and figured it was now time to go . The door opened again so a medic could check out my injuries because of the blood . As suspected , I had none except a dislocated middle finger on my right hand . He gave me a shirt to wear that my wife had given to him and told me I would have a moment to tell her goodbye . She approached me with sad eyes and told me it would be okay and that she understands . The police officer placed me back in the car , closed the door , and away we went . After booking me they checked my injury and then secured me in a holding cell by my self . A couple of hours later I was greeted at my cell by an officer who told me that I had an appointment with the judge . In the courtroom I was not asked to speak , the judge read the charges , and set the bail . My wife was in the room with us , she was waiting on the bail information , and then she left out of one door and I was led out another door headed back to the holding cell . A couple more hours passed and the officer came back to the cell and announced that I was being released because my wife had paid the bail . He told me that after we did some final paperwork that I would be released and free to go with my wife . Then we left , we headed home , and when we got there all I wanted to do was have a hot shower . That may have been the longest , hottest shower I have ever had in my entire life . As I was sitting on the edge of the bed with my face in hands hunched over , my wife climbed across the bed , kissed me on the back of the neck and told me that what I did she understands and stands behind me . I was neither comforted or alarmed by her statement , I felt guilty because that Sarah got hurt so badly . A few days later my wife noticed that Sarah was home . I wanted to go talk to her but my wife said it might be better not to . Later that afternoon I get a call from the courthouse to inform me of my case dismissal hearing which was the following day . When I went to the hearing it was exactly that , proceeding had been started and completed for a complete dismal of all of the charges filed against me , to include battery and trespassing . Within a week we saw that her husband was now home . I was sad again because I know this cycle all to well . Why hang the laundry up here ? I thought it might help me work through all of my own emotions before I head to my second therapy session this afternoon . Did it help ? I don 't know yet . Maybe I will never know . Posted in T . S . O . T . S . B . Archives , T . S . O . T . S . B . The Sting Of The Scorpion Blog Posted by Scorpion Sting on January 14 , 2014 Explaining my three fathers to my children has always been stories I enjoy telling . Sometimes it is like going down the wrong rabbit hole because it can be just a wee bit confusing . For those of y ' all who just started playing along then I would guess y ' all are at a bit of a loss . My recommendation is to search The Sting Of The Scorpion using the terms adoption , adopted , and biological . Then , perhaps y ' all will be up to speed . Let me give a very brief review . I 'm adopted , I 've known my entire life . The fact that I was adopted was never the secret . In fact , until I turned 18 I never knew there was even a secret that people wished I never learned . In my case the records were sealed due to the circumstances of the pregnancy . Fortunately I was able to get them unsealed and have spent the better part of 25 years piecing together everyone 's dirty little secret , me . On the backside of my property there lives an enormous oak tree . I find that when I 'm in the presence of this oak tree that I tend to think of my family tree . My family tree is really twisted . If one was to look at it analytically I am actually the part of three family trees , if not more , each in a separate way that leads into a different direction . Confused yet ? We 'll get back to that . I have had " family " , specifically my biological family , on my mind recently since we ( my wife & I ) are planning to visit my oldest daughter ( 23 ) in Rapid City South Dakota over spring break this coming March 2014 . Most of my biological family lives in the state of South Dakota , as well as my biological father and adopted father are both buried there also . For the purposes of explanation in this post the following will be the reference points when I discuss my three fathers , BF = Biological Father , AF = Adopted Father , SF = Step Father , my BM ( biological mother / birth mother ) , and my AM ( adopted mother / mother ) . Refer back to these abbreviations during this post if needed . Everyone seems to want a piece of me when we go on the trip when all I really care to do is spend time with my daughter and my 2 y / o granddaughter whom we haven 't seen in some time now . Now , personally , my " agenda " will be to spend time with my wife , kids , and my granddaughter . Now , will that happen ? Your guess is as good as mine . As my younger children get older they have began to have questions about family because my side of the family is kinda complicated . Recently I , for the second or third time now , tried to explain things to my son , who I finally now think gets it . Me being adopted is not what is in question . How this fits into my life as well as my kids life is what always seems to be confusing . And , when I explain it here I might go out - of - order and bounce around a bit so just try pay attention . Like I mentioned above , from this point further I will address my fathers by their relationship to me . I needed to explain all of this to my children because they have never met my BF ( biological father ) or my AF ( adopted father ) , all three of them only know my SF ( step father ) and all three of my children will be meeting my biological family ( many of them but probably not all of them ) in March . So lets see where to begin here . I was born 06 November 1968 in a little town in the southeast of South Dakota . I was placed with my adopted parents within days of my birth . My adopted parents were divorced by the time I was 6 . I will get into that another time . By the time I was turning 7 my mother was re - married and we all moved to the southwest side of Houston Texas . My AF remained in South Dakota where I visited him every Christmas break and summer vacation until he died at the end of the summer in 1983 . I remained being raised by my SF and still to this day consider him to be my dad . Anything y ' all read around this blog about the current happenings with my parents is about my mother and step father , which he is never referred to in the real world . There was never any secret of me being adopted , I have always " known " because I was told early on . Why ? I don 't know . Before I start the next part , let it be known that my SF and my mother ( AM ) have always loved me and raised me if I was their own blood son . Their loyalty to me as a son has never , nor will it ever , be in question . Once I was out on my own , joined the United States Air Force , married , and had my first daughter I was asked about my family history so medical records for my daughter could be started . I was at a loss , I was actually crushed because here I brought a child into existence and I don 't even know if I passed something on to her genetically that had the potential of being bad . I struggled with this fact for a few months as I held my daughter in my arms wondering if there were going to be things about herself that she would never know . After a brief discussion with my wife and a long conversation with my mother ( AM ) the decision was made I was going to find out who I was . It was the thought at the time , it gave me hope for myself and my daughter . Since I was stationed in Japan in 1991 I had to do things the old - fashioned way , I had to write letters . I actually only wrote two different letters , form letters , which I used to inquire about my adoption records and my biological parents . I won 't lie , I hit allot of dead ends , I got wrapped up in allot of red tape , and I was at a point ( after a year ) where I was ready to give up because there didn 't seem to be any information to have . Then , out of the blue , when I was ready to quit , I received a letter from the office of the Judge that was over my case back in 1968 . I was informed that they had the information I was seeking , but , since I was overseas I needed to provide all my personal information along with an affidavit from my commander confirming my identity . I gathered everything I had , to include birth certificate and the letter from my commander , loaded it in an envelope and sent it on it 's way . For the first couple of weeks I waited very patiently , then a month rolled by and my patience was wearing thin . After 3 months I just gave up . Soon after I received another letter from the office of the judge informing me that he has reviewed my case and my request and is granting my request to have my adoption records unsealed . I was informed that they were ordered sealed due to the circumstances of the adoption and the biological mother as a request of her parents . I had no idea what all of that meant and was more confused than ever . The following day I received a package ( large envelope ) from the judge 's office that had a complete copy of everything that was filed in accordance with my adoption proceedings . It was worse than my worst nightmare , everything I wanted to know was blacked out like this was some kind of top secret document . All of the names , dates , places , agencies , and so forth were either removed or blacked out altogether . These documents read like a very well written mystery , with one exception , I never got to find out " who did it " . So , for now , the quest for information is dead . I was divorced in 1998 , we split everything up , she went one way , and my daughter and I remained . I put 90 % of my stuff into storage where it sat for the next few years . In 2000 I was remarried , I welcomed with open arms my own step daughter ( that will be the only time you ever hear me refer to her as a step anything ) and finishing up the remaining time I had for active duty Air Force Guard . In 2001 , after my son was born , we decided we wanted to raise our family in a house and not an apartment . I didn 't want just any house , I wanted a house we could grow into , grow old in , and not need to move any more , as I was tired of all the moving over the years being in the Air force , I was done moving . I spent the next 18 months designing our new house . My wife thought I was the obvious choice as the architect since that is what I have a degree in . So I did it , between working for my SF as a concrete contractor I spent the hours needed creating our dream home . Once we were happy with the design I submitted it to a Texas state licensed architect for the " stamp of approval " I needed to move forward . I found 10 . 4 acres in a large lot subdivision that we really fell in love with . For the next 18 months we watched our dream come true . After we got moved in I announced I needed to make a trip to New Mexico to gather my belongings out of a storage unit there . So , my oldest daughter and I loaded up a trailer and made the road trip . It wasn 't much , mostly boxes full of records , pictures , and different things I had collected while I was in the Air Force bouncing around the world . When we got back home I went to unpack the boxes and noticed the one that had all of my adoption research in it . Not wanting to stop , I had my daughter just put the box in the master bedroom closet for later . After about a month of organizing I was at the computer paying some bills , checking the weather , and just when I was getting done my wife comes in and announces " we need to talk " with tears rolling down her face . ( Fuck ! What did I do ? ) I knew I have done nothing so that couldn 't be it , so what was it . I noticed in her hand a letter that I had written so many years before and she asked me when I was going to tell her . Tell her ? I thought she knew I was adopted , I really thought this had come up in conversation before . It had , but my quest for information was never talked about . To tell you the truth the box was put in my closet to protect it from humidity damage , I had no intention of going through it because in my opinion the quest was dead and I had given up . I explained to her I had no interest in talking about it but she was free to read all of it if she wanted to . A few days later I was piddling around in the garage putting some shelves up when my wife comes out to let me know I had a phone call . Weird because I didn 't even hear the phone ring which was mere feet from where I was working . My wife holds her hand over the mouth piece as she whispers that she loves me in my ear . After I said hello there was an extremely long dramatic pause , so I said hello again . This time a woman said hello back to me . She went on to explain that my wife contacted her the day before and asked if her and I could talk . Okay , lets talk . She informed me of who she was , she explained to me that she was my biological mother ( BM ) . I was at a loss for words . She told me she would tell me anything I wanted to know . She said we are older now so it was time for the truth to be told . Okay . She gave me a name and claimed it to be the biological father 's name but never kept up with him after I was born so that is all she knew . She then needed to go , this was too emotional for her , so we hung up . I was dumbstruck to say the least . Seems my wife is pretty sneaky . She told me she had " friends " who knew what to do with the information I had and in less than 24 hours had a name and a current phone number . Really ? Really . We found a number for the name she gave me and gave it a call . The plot thickened because the person she had me call was my BF 's good friend from back in the day . He put his name as the father and so forth to protect his friend 's marriage . This lie came between them a few years later and the friendship was severed , so he didn 't see the harm in giving me his name , the real name this time and he even had the phone number . After hanging up with him I called the number and asked to speak with the named person I was given and I was informed at that time by the man on the other end that he has been deceased since 1996 . The man I was talking to was my BF 's wife 's new husband . He gave me the name and phone number of their oldest son if I wanted to talk with him because he might have more information . When I called him I got the answering machine . I left a message for him to call me and my information . When he returned the call we spoke for many hours because I knew things that nobody outside of their immediate family should even know . We were able to fill in each others blank spaces so to say . I offered up a DNA test to prove who I was and I was told that it wasn 't necessary he knew that I had to be genuine . The puzzle was indeed coming together for me and I basically unraveled everything he had ever known to be true . A few days later , his mother called me , she said she felt obligated since her husband had died before I could " confront " him in person . Yea , him being dead really did throw a wrench in it all for me . I kept in telephone contact with my BF 's side of the family for a couple of years before it came time to go to my oldest daughter 's graduation in Rapid City South Dakota . She decided to go live with her mom , who guilted her into believing that her life was just too damn lonely without her . Since we were going to South Dakota for her graduation I had the bright idea that this would be the perfect time to meet my biological family as well as visit my AF 's grave that I have not seen since the day I buried him . I also contacted my BM and told her I was willing to drive to northern Idaho to meet her while we were on our trip . She declined as well as asking me not to contact her or her two other sons ever again . I have honored her request . I visited my AF 's grave , which was hard , it was emotional , and left me drained . The following day I visited my BF 's grave . This was hard as well but something I felt I needed to do . Why ? I felt he needed to " see " me and " hear " my voice , I needed him to hear me and see me . I met all of his children , 4 sons and 4 daughters , and a whole slough of grandbabies , nieces , and nephews who had zero idea who this strange man was that was at their grandma 's house . The accepted me , it was like I had been on a long trip or lived far away and was finally returning home . Was it bizarre ? Absolutely bizarre . by the time these 3 days were over my brain was mush , I felt like the wash cloth that gets crumpled up and left to dry in the corner of the shower , I was just done . But I had a graduation to go to , I had to get back on the road to drive five hours away to get to the next town for my oldest daughter 's graduation . I talked with my daughter quite a bit about what has been happening . It involved her as well because the people I just met were here " people " biologically as well . I don 't think she was prepared for these talks but I know she walked away feeling better because now she had a few more answers that I could never give her before . The graduation was awesome , we were so happy for her because we know what an accomplishment it is to graduate . We spent the next few days with my daughter , doing different things , just her and I , it had been a long time since we got to just sit and shoot the shit together . The day came that it was time to head home , it was time to head back to Texas . I was out of energy , I was drained , and borderline torn if I needed to extend my trip so I could go to Idaho . Then , after a heated debate with myself , we drove back to Texas . To this day I am close to my father ( SF ) . He is close with all of my children . Until just weeks ago my 17 y / o daughter and my 12 y / o son didn 't know he was my step father . I had to explain so much to say so little . My son is looking forward to the trip to South Dakota to visit with people and to see the grave which bears the name of his grandfather which he has never met but was named after . It should be an interesting trip . My whole family will be involved this time in meeting all the biologicals , I 'm told it will be a family reunion of sorts . I hope my wife and kids are up for the journey which is ahead of us . I will let y ' all know if I was up to it when we get back . Until then , I guess this story is on pause . It 's not over , but it 's over for right now . I wonder what other people do when they try to explain their own family tree ( s ) to their kids . I bet allot of people are glad their roots aren 't so complicated . Posted in T . S . O . T . S . B . Archives , T . S . O . T . S . B . The Sting Of The Scorpion Blog Posted by Scorpion Sting on October 25 , 2013 The nature of the human beast is to explore and experiment . So , growing up most of us are taught that drugs can and will do many scary things to the human brain and body . We have all seen that these effects can be blown out of proportion , making it seem like a few tokes at a party can send you spiralling into addiction , and then leading to a life of crime . The drugs listed below are worse than anything you were ever warned about . These drugs can and will fuck your life up beyond repair . Anybody that has been around me a bit knows that I don 't judge what a person does in their life . Well , that is not exactly true , if you are fucktard I will judge you . So let 's look at ten ( 10 ) really fucked up drugs and explore why you may not want to have them enter your body by any means . Zolpidem , more commonly known as " Ambien " is a sleeping pill that was developed as an alternative to Valium . And most of the time , it works pretty well . You can take one , fall asleep , and then wake up in the morning without further incident . This strategy worked and the drug was approved for weight loss . Rimonabant was also found to have opposite effects to weed in other areas too . It increases sperm motility , and improves short - term memory in animals . From the 1950s to the 1970s the US military had a fun little side project at the Edgewood Arsenal . They would give soldiers various drugs and chemical agents to see what happened . One of these was a super potent version of marijuana called ' dimethylheptylpyran ' or DMHP . Okay boys , girls , and the usual fucktard , this information was not provided so y ' all could increase your stash it was done to increase your repertoire of knowledge . I know , since I am not stupid ( all the time ) , that there are those of you who are thinking it is pretty cool that all of these fabulous drugs can still be found on the market today . This should not be the time that y ' all take an opportunity to call your hook up to see if they can get you things off of your new shopping list . In my twisted way this is to serve as an educational tool and provide a little humor on behalf of all the dumb bastards that had to show society that they are indeed not super - human . As much as I enjoyed reading all about these drugs and as much as I enjoyed writing about them , there comes a time when a post has to come to an end . This is that time . Now , go find something useful to do with yourselves , just keep your hands on top of the table where everyone can see them because I know where some of your minds go sometimes . Posted in T . S . O . T . S . B . Archives , T . S . O . T . S . B . The Sting Of The Scorpion Blog Like T . S . O . T . S . B . On Facebook Like T . S . O . T . S . B . On Facebook Except where otherwise noted , all content on The Sting Of The Scorpion Blog is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution - NonCommercial - NoDerivs 3 . 0 Unported license . This means you are free to copy , distribute , or transmit any of " The Sting Of The Scorpion Blog ' content . However , you must attribute the content to " The Sting Of The Scorpion Blog " in some easily identifiable way ( preferably with a link back to the post from which the content originated ) . The contents of The Sting Of The Scorpion Blog cannot be used for any commercial purposes . You cannot alter , transform , or build new works from The Sting Of The Scorpion Blog 's content . For a more detailed explanation of the rights granted under this license , please take a look at the license 's page on the Creative Commons web site , which includes a link to the full legal text . |
Due to the heartless cruelty of our parents , we were seemingly the only children in the universe deprived of a TV in the home . We therefore had to resort to using our imaginations to entertain ourselves . Here are a few of our favorite stories . The king of all Renae and I 's kidhood Christmases was 1982 ( Renae , correct me if I am wrong in the year ) . It was the one we talked about for years after , the yard - stick Christmas by which we measured all the following Christmases . It was also the year that Mom and Dad were just about the poorest they ever were , what with Olin having laid Dad off for a large portion of that year . No , we didn 't have one of those wierd " no gifts , just focus on the true meaning " Christmases . . . maybe that works for some people but it just sounds bad to me . * We were 9 and 7 , I think . We didn 't know , and I still don 't exactly know how poor we were , but we knew there was alot of stress at the adult level in the house . Looking back , I am sure that there was not much money available for presents . We were blessed , however , with a creative and upbeat Mom . Christmas morning we woke up to find the living room transformed into something like a mideval village . Castles , Towers , and even a peasants hut filled the living room . Our mom had gotten a hold of half a dozen cardboard appliance boxes , and with some paint , a box knife or two and some skills from her art major days , she turned these boxes into castles . They were big enough for me and Renae to stand up in , walk around in , sit down in . Standing up we could just see over the battlements of the castles - just like in a real castle ! We were jazzed ! They were the coolest presents we had ever had ! Hidden inside the castles , hut and towers were our other presents . I got a telescope - a real one - I was into astronomy at the time , and so was my dad . And I got a book - The Forbidden Castle - a choose your own adventure - and a few other odds and ends that I don 't remember . I remember every day during that Christmas break dragging one of my castles ( they were open to the floor on the bottom , open to the sky on the top ) to surround one of the heater vents and sit down inside my castle to read " The Forbidden Castle " . The castle would get all kinds of toasty on the inside . It was pure comfort ! Later that year , we woPosted by That 's what our next door neighbor , Diana used to call Todd ( our younger brother ) when he was a little tyke . He not only looked somewhat like him , with his blond hair , but he acted a bit like him too . Even though Todd was 2 or 3 years younger than Diana 's twins , Missy and Mindy ( who I babysat for at least once or twice a week for years ) , Diana was constantly calling me on the phone to tell me to go and make Todd stop terrorizing them . I remember one particular phone call very well . Diana was having a little party in her backyard for her grown - up friends . Todd was in our backyard , and apparently thought that our neighbors needed some excitement . He got the hose out and started spraying Diana and her guests . She wasn 't too happy . It was soon after that that Diana put up a partial privacy fence . He pulled the hose prank on Mom once . As usual , we were running late for church . Todd was playing out in the front yard . Mom came out in her nice dress , with her make - up on and her hair all fixed up . The idea was just to bring Todd in , get him dressed , and rush off . However , it was not to be so easy . Todd mercilessly hosed her down , ruining hair , make - up and dress . My son , Mark said something to the effect that he couldn 't understand how it was possible for gum to get stuck in your hair when you were sleeping . " Wouldn 't it just fall down to your belly ? " he asked . I think he must have been thinking of how gravity works when you are standing up . I assured him that I had plenty of experience with gum stuck in my hair . Here 's my best gum in my hair story : I was about Jr . High age at the time . I fell asleep with the world 's largest wad of Hubba - Bubba bubble gum in my mouth . For some reason , there were either no sheets on my bed that night , or they had just come undone at the top of my bed . I must have rolled around and got the stuff glued to every single follicle of hair or something , because when I woke up , my head was absolutely stuck tight to my mattress . I could not get out of bed , no matter how hard I tried . I remember laying there in bed for literally about a half an hour hollering for my mom , whose bedroom was a floor down from mine , and who was evidently still asleep . I don 't remember precisely how long it took her to get me unstuck . Then we had to get that huge mess out of my hair . I was having nothing to do with scissors . We must have used a whole tub of shortening on my head . I was very late to school that day . I wonder what I told the secretary when I went in for a late pass . Did I tell her the truth ? I don 't remember , but I bet I made up a dumb lie . I was probably too embarrassed , plus she might not have believed the truth . Now fast - forward about five or six years . I had just finished my first year of college , and was working in an office . I had hair halfway down my back . My parents had left for a couple of weeks to visit family in Utah . I was the only person left at home , and relishing my independence . Unfortunately , that would be just the time I chose to accidentally lock my keys in my car . No one was home to bail me out , and my house was also locked . I eventually got that sorted out and headed off for work an hour late . After I 'd been there for an hour or two , I waPosted by Back when we were 20 somethings , before we had so many children that we out grew it , Bruce and I lived in a cute , little , blue , 2 bedroom house . Those were good days ! Ah , memories of my early motherhood . Dang I 'm going to be such a mess when my children really do grow up and move away . They 're only 10 , 8 , 6 , 2 and 3 months , but I just can 't seem to get enough of my older kids these days . It 's hurry up , go to school , hurry up get your homework done , hurry up to this and that . I 'm missing them like crazy . Makes me want to home school , just so I could hang out with them more . I just don 't know if I 'd be any good at that . Okay , now I 'm a big bawlly mess . This is NOT where I was going with this post ! ANYWAY ! There was a girl named Chelsea who lived next door to us , in our little blue house . She was a sweet little girl , but she always seemed to be in our front yard . You peep your nose out the front door , and there was Chelsea , " Hey ! How are you ? Whacha doin ? . . . Guess what I did today ? Did you just flush the toilet ? " etc . You go somewhere , and you practically kick her out of your car , just so you can get down the road . You roll the car window up on her nose . She chases you down the street . " Where are you going ? When are you going to be back ? My mom shaves her back . " ( No , she never said that , and I 'm sure her mother doesn 't need to shave her back . It 's just the type of thing she would say . ) You come home , and there 's Chelsea sitting on your porch . " Where did you go ? Did you go to the grocery store ? Are you going inside ? " She really was a nice little girl , just always there . Anyway , one day we went to Six Flags , and John came with us . ( Chelsea loved John . She would ask me about my " crazy brother " from time to time . She thought he was hilarious ! ) I 'm going to guess that Chelsea would have been about 7ish , at the time . As we were loading up the car , there was Chelsea bouncing around with her usual questions , trying to help put the cooler in the trunk , etc . When we were getting ready to drive away , she came up to John 's door andPosted by Our parents are probably the best at penny pinching of anyone I ever met . I 've seriously known my dad to cut open a tube of toothpaste in order to spoon out the last little bit . His motto is " Waste Not , Want Not . " I must have heard him say that a google of times growing up . Along with this penny pinching mania , they also don 't seem to care what - so - ever how they look to others . Doesn 't matter how dorky others might find them , if they like what ever it is that they are doing / wearing , it 's all good . My dad is famous for wearing bib overalls that are just a bit too short . I have even known him to fasten them with diaper pins when the buckle falls off . When his socks get holes in them , does he dream of throwing them out ? Heck no ! He 'll sit there and spend an evening darning his socks with green thread , even though he has a drawer full of unopened packages of socks . " Waste not , want not ! " That 's my dad . We could all do with a bit more of this attitude , could we not ? Anyway , you get the point . All of this penny pinching , and non - caring for what the rest of the world thinks lead my parents to drive the worlds most ugly , beat up Maverick ever . The thing ran like a champ ( except for it 's habit of dieing at red lights . ) This was the family car from before I was born , until after I was in junior high . I don 't ever remember it not looking like a total piece of junk . Once I got to be about 9 or 10 years old , and I realized that we had the ugliest , most beat up car of anyone I knew , I became more and more mortified to ride around in the thing . My mother reupholstered the seats several times . I remember riding around with no seats when she was in the process . The ceiling was made of some kind of cloth that was ripped in about a million places , and sewn back up with green and orange thread . I used to hide my face behind the pieces that were hanging down , so as not to be recognized in that hideous car . Once I was angry with my parents , and I kicked the car in a rust spot . My foot went all the way through to the trunk . I thought Posted by While I was in highschool I was required to go to church every Tuesday for " Seminary " . This was just a church class for teenagers . I liked going cause all my friends were there , and while it was supposed to be like a real highschool class where you got a grade and all , there didn 't seem to be any real consequences to getting a failing grade so that 's what I got . I tried to do the homework once or twice but it was sooooo mind bogglingly cheesy . Stuff along the lines of : Chose one : Jesus isa ) goodb ) badc ) neutral . . . only with more rhetoric . It was really boring ( the homework , I mean ) and not even remotely challenging so I never did any . The homework was in this slick workbook that came from Church HQ in Salt Lake . It was green , and illustrated , and had 20 or so blank sheets in the back to record your " spiritual thoughts " on . I used the blank sheets to record my ideas for my Dungeons and Dragons campaign on . I liked the way my D + D stuff looked on the fancy - ish , green , semi - parchment . But as dumb as the homework was , I liked going to class because , like I said , all my friends were there . Sister Excersly was our techer 's name and she was pretty nice . I could tell she genuinely liked me . She cried during the lessons sometimes , I think more out of caring about us and the subject matter than from our poor behavior . I never listened in class , except for listening for chances to make a joke out of the lesson . For the most part , I thought the lessons were boring , except when we started talking about things like the nature of demons , witchcraft and if there really are ghosts . I had lots of questions then , but the teachers always changed the subject pretty quickly and they didn 't really seem to know much about those subjects anyway . I was also interested in how God got to be God in the first place , and whether there were shortcuts . Sister E never really yelled at me much , she just asked me to quiet down in a niceish way . Smart of her . There was this one class once when she must have told me pretty firmly to shut up , because I did . Posted by John and I were talking about this one about a week ago . It needs to be added , I think ! I 've since asked her and Mom about it , to make sure I had all of my facts straight . Our younger sister , Ashley had to undergo brain surgery when she was about 12 years old . She has epilepsy , due to a huge hunk of brain - lining material that grew in between the folds of her brain . They removed a piece of this lining stuff that was about the size of an egg . It was quite the ordeal , at the time , but we did manage , and still do manage to have some fun about it . John made her a tee - shirt a couple of years back ( which she loves and wears frequently ) that says , in large print , on the front : " I had part of my brain surgically removed . . . " On the back is says ( somewhat smaller ) " . . . just to make it fair ! " She has recently made herself a tee - shirt that says " Don 't mess with me . . . " on the front , the back says " . . . or else I 'll give you a piece of my mind ! " When she was in the hospital for pre - surgery monitoring , ( They opened up her skull , attached about 200 electrodes to her brain , stitched her back up with 200 or so wires blossoming out of her head , and monitored her brain activity via the electrodes and video of her hospital room for about a week . ) Anyway , while she was in the hospital being monitored , the whole family nearly got kicked out one night . We were visiting , and having a good time being silly , and making her laugh , and seeing what we could make the brain - waves on the overhead screen do . It was very interesting , to see what made the lines jump . Anyway , apparently we were being too rowdy , and the nurses had to come in and threaten us . Back to my original story , at some point while she was in the hospital , for pre - surgery testing , they had her do a whole battery of psychiatric / psychological testing . This was to find out what kinds of things they might potentially mess up during surgery basically . Anyway , she spent two days being questioned by this psychologist ( who Mom agreed with Ashley was extremely annoying ) . She cooperated foPosted by Then there was the time when Trent was about 12 , so I would have been about 29 , and he and I wound up going to Blockbuster one night ( - to pick up movies , obviously ) . Naturally I went out of my way to embarrass him at every opportunity . First thing in the door , I shouted : " OK OK , Trent Sever , I promise we will get Barney for you if they have it ! ! ! " And so it went from there . Before long , Trent took off running and hid from me . I took some time to browse the new releases , but I kept one eye out for Trent as well . Pretty soon I spotted him , predictably in the video game section , absorbed in reading the back of some game or other . He was still just short enough that he was almost hidden by the height of the shelves at this particular Blockbuster , so I figured he thought he was completely invisible . Very quietly , crouching all the while , I ninja - ed up on him . I got to where I knew I was within three feet of him . All I had to do was jump out from behind the aisle I was hiding in and yell something humiliating . So I did . Seizing a game at random , I lunged around the corner , shoved the game in his face and said very loudly : " Here 's your Teletubbies ! ! " That was when I noticed that it wasn 't Trent , just some other random preteen about Trent 's height and hair color . He gave me a very weird look . I don 't remember exactly what I did next . When we ( meaning me and Brad Carter ) were in about 4th grade cordless telephones were just barely getting to be affordable for general use . I don 't mean those primitive cell phones that you had to lug around in a box . I just mean land line telephones that lived in your house but were not physically attached to the base with a long curly leash . ( that makes me sound old ) ( how cool ) My parents did not buy one for at least a decade , literally , I am sure . The reasoning behind that went something like : " How would you like to have to look all over the house for the phone every time you needed to use it ? " ( Mom and Dad also did not own a microwave until I was 15 or so , they drove the same car for the first 14 years of my life , they did not own a TV until I was 24 , and as I write , they are thinking maybe someday they might look into having the internet in their home . ) Brad 's parents , on the other hand , were the first people I ever heard to own a cordless phone . It was a big deal . Brad and I lived on the same block . The elementary school we went to was the next block over diagonally . ( its been knocked down since - victory at last ) . Brad 's house was a house and a parking lot away from the street corner we shared with the school . Each classroom had a small typed ( yes TYPED - probably mimeographed too ) notice posted by the door . It contained mostly gibberishy information and was intended only for adults and teachers . We only noticed this notice ( ahem ) because when recess time came the teacher always made us line up by the door before we could leave . So while we waited for the rest of the kids to form ranks , we had nothing to do but read whatever happened to be taped up by the door . There was only one thing interesting on the notice and it went something like this : " In the event of Fire , Earthquake , Tornado , Extreme cold , Snow , Natural Disaster or Bomb threat , all classes will be Cancelled " . ( emphasis added ) Brad realized that we had the power to create at least two of the items on the list . Also , he needed to test the potential of hiPosted by Got an itch to tell a story on myself from my freshman year of high school . We moved when I turned 14 , so I started high school as a new kid . I weighed 103 lbs and still did not like combing my hair . That summer I would put on 40 lbs and start taking martial arts , and my outlook on life would change , but at the time keeping a low profile was an important survival skill for me . First period at 8am was Algebra . Now let me just say that there are people out there better at mathematics than me , somewhere . None of them were in that algebra class of course . The teacher was nice plump white haired old maid . I had one friend in that class , a stoner kid who always wore a jacket , probably to hide the fact that he only owned two or three t - shirts . He and I were equally unpopular . His prime obsessions were girls , sex and ( i think ) pot . He and I were hardly birds of a feather , but I didn 't feel I could afford to be picky about my friends . He never wanted to cheat off me . . . it may have been that nobody besides the teacher knew that I was smart . Like I said , a low profile was what I was trying for . But if my mouth was shut , my ears where open and I was falling for algebra . Some of the ancient Greeks built religions around mathematics . There have been mathematicians who fought duels with other mathematicians because each had insulted the other 's math skills . Hilarious I know , but at age 14 I was starting to understand that sort of fanatical . . . reverence for math . There is a type a beauty in math and I was digging my first hour algebra class . But I kept a low profile . One day we had a substitute teacher . She was another old white haired woman , but she had no math skills whatsoever . She got up in front of the class and started talking and everything she taught was wrong , start to finish , and I was the only one on the class who knew the difference . I was appalled . She seriously had no idea what she was doing . She was math illiterate . But the thing that got to me was she was soo cocky . Not only did she know nothing , she didn 't even know Posted by The DumpsterWhen we were grade - school aged , we lived next door to our grandpa Sever 's grocery store / meat market . They had a dumpster where all of the store trash was kept on the side of our house . It sounds disgusting now ( think of all of the meat scraps that must have been in there ) , but we used to love to get inside of that thing to play . We 'd hunker down , with the lid closed ( it smelled aweful ! ) and pop up and yell at passersby . That was great ! I 've always loved popping out of nowhere at people and surprising them . I still do it in the store very occasionally , when I 'm feeling particularly silly . Alarm ClocksWhen we were a bit older , we moved not too far from a WalMart . I used to go to the clock section , and just for fun , I 'd set all of the alarm clocks to go off at the same time . In Front of a Fancy RestrauntWhen I was in college , a large group of us went to a fancy restraunt together . We had to wait for about an hour to be seated . They had us waiting outside , next to a large window where we could see people eating . I faced the window and started doing my crazy arm swinging thing . Another guy in our group had a similiar arm flailing thing that he did that was really funny too , so he started in . I actually saw a woman , in the restraunt spit out her food because she was laughing at us . Did you know that Trent has yet to wear long pants to school this year ? It is now February , he walks almost a mile home from school everyday , and we 've had single diget weather ! Come to think of it , the only times I 've seen him in long pants in the past couple of years was at church . Weirdo ! Liz 's mom gave me Huckleberry Finn on CD for christmas this year ( very good choice ) . Got me remembering all the nights when me , Renae , Mom and Dad all sat ( i remember laying more ) in the living room while Dad read to us . Mark Twain is what I remember him reading most to us . That and poetry . He was always reading more adult level books outloud to Mom , but that was always in the kitchen . In the living room he read stuff for us all . Huck Finn , Tom Sawyer , A Conneticut Yankee in King Authur 's Court . We loved it , or at least I did . He did all the voices and dialects . If you have ever read Huck Finn you know the whole book is written in at least 4 distinct types of slang and reading the book out loud forces you to do the voices - but even so Dad is a voices kinda guy . ( if you haven 't read Huck Finn see me , I 'll make you . ) A standing joke was that if the phone ran while Dad was in full swing , he would get up and answer it in Nigger Jim 's voice : " Wah hello dah ! How is you dis fahn ev nin ? " . Got some good reactions . Dad also read Uncle Remus to us alot , and we always liked that . It 's getting less and less PC to answer the phone that way , but my Dad doesn 't know it yet . The Ghost of Windy Hill was another book he read to us . It 's a kids ghost story , but Dad one night couldn 't keep himself from reading the whole thing in this Lon Chaney Dracula accent , where everything was drastic and scary and doom filled . It was driving us all crazy , Mom included but he just couldn 't stop ( except to laugh at himself and at us ) . Finally Mom suddenly jumped up and said something to the effect of John pleeeeeeease cut it out we are all going mad here ! and then , striking this deranged hunchback pose she screeched out a line from the book that we had just passed - a very bland line : " I ate the cookies . " - but she used this amazing utterly indiscribable gothic monster voice and it came out : " IIIIII . . . . . AAAAATE . . . . . THE COOOKIEEES ! " It doesn 't come out in print right , but it seemed like about the funniest thing I had ever heard in my life and the 4 ofPosted by |
I want to wish everyone a HAPPY NEW YEARS . I have been dealing with some family health issues so I have been off line . I will be getting back on hopefully by next week . Hoping 2017 is a great year ! ! ! ! ! We meet Layla having a very bad day . She just had her world fall a part an she found herself lost . While she is trying to decide what to do with her self she is given some advice . She acts on that advice and finds herself in trouble . Will she make it out ? Then we meet the Twins . Can they work out there problem with the triad concept ? Will they find Layla in time ? What will happen next ? We meet a few members from the den . We meet the Alpha female on the day she is told that she cant mate . She feels terrible and is thinking of the man she loves and cant have . He also happens to be her brothers best friend . When he finally kisses her she freaks out and pushes everyone away . When she finally has the courage to face him again her best friend tells her that he thinks they are mate but she knows her mate is the other man . What will come from all this ? Will she get her man ? Will she be able to have cubs ? Will she be able to keep her best friend ? What will happen next ? The story is about a young girl doing everything she can to save her dad . She makes a decision that is unexpected . When she learns the truth about her benefactor will she stay or go ? What will happen next ? This is the first book I have read from this series . The Author has said you could read them as stand alones . This book was fabulous . There is so much action and drama in this story I had a hard time putting the book down . We meet a girl who rebelled against her father and went out with a guy her father didn 't like . The guy turned out to be bad and did everything in his power to try and hurt her . She tried to escape and on one of those times she meet her true mate . Will he be able to save her ? Can they stop Kane ? What will happen next ? I choose this rating because the story pulled me in from the beginning . I lost my self in their life . Ninna and the Bear had some real issues to deal with and overcome . Zeke was falling for her cousin and dealing with the danger they are in . Ninna is attacked twice in this story will they figure out who is behind that ? What will happen next ? I was lent a copy from my best friends to read and i couldn 't put the book down till i was done or slept . I was drawn in from the very beginning . As with all of Christine 's books you get lost in her world . I was lost the the shadows . I fell in love with the family and can 't wait to see who each of them falls in love with . We watched as the oldest sibling falls for Frankie and how she has to struggle with the new things in her life . Can she accept him for himself ? Will she run ? Will she stay ? What will happen next ? This book was really smutty and exciting . We meet a 18 year old trying to come into her own when her family tells her she is going to Finishing School . She and her friends have one last night out on the town and she meets a set of twins and gets dped . She arrives to the island that her school is at and meets the crowned prince and she falls for him as well . The twins arrive and then she see herself in a foursome . There is complications with the twins and the prince . Their is family drama . There is heart break . What will happen next ? This book was great . We see how one of the Montgomery girls life falls apart as well as Alex 's life . We see how Melanie and Derk finally face their feelings . We also see how she has some things to deal with and how her family comes together in a crisis . Will they be able to deal with their confusion ? What will happen next ? As with the other books in this series this one was great . We see how the next trio came together and what they had to deal with . Will her father ever accept it ? Will they be able to have a simple life or will there be an issue . Overview : Gemma had been to her fair share of parties , but this one was a bit different . It wasn 't that long ago that she was a wild party girl , hitting up frats and luring studs into her web of drama and seduction . But those days were behind her . Today 's party was for her young son , Arthur . As a rambunctious two year old , she hoped that he would have fun and remember it . Her back yard started filling with guests , including a tall broad - shouldered man whose eyes she found entrancing … Rock wasn 't sure how this was supposed to go . He was a complete stranger , showing up at this lady 's house and needing to have a very intimate conversation with her . He thought about turning around , getting back into his car and driving away . But then he heard a little laugh coming from the back yard . He knew instantly that it was his cub , and nothing was going to stop him from being the best father he could be ! This 10 , 000 + word Novella contains secret baby Bear Shifter hotness , a Happily Ever After , No Cheating and No Cliffhanger ! Also included are some free bonus stories as my thanks to you . This book was good . My only complaint is that it was to short and left me wanting a bit more at the end . Overall its about a mistake turning into a happily ever after . I cant wait to read the rest of the series to see if it gives us more information . I received an ARC version of this book in exchange for an honest review . Release Tour : : IF I HAD YOU by Heather Hiestand October 4 , 2016October 4 , 2016 / tasz1976 / Leave a comment It was only supposed to be casual . Then I fell for her . Falling head first in love , only to have fear rip it out from underneath me . I severed us with my destructive words . JL grew up in a small town in Illinois . Not to be mistaken for Chicago . She currently resides in Kentucky with her husband , three children and their two fur - babies . She has lived an adventurous life … doing just that , living . JL is a hopeless romantic , who loves seeing love unwind before her eyes . When she can 't see that for herself with other people in real life , she writes it or reads it . Writing has been a part of her life since she was a little girl , along with being an avid reader . She will continue to write until the pen will not allow it anymore . Neglected , abandoned by a heroin - addicted mother , and placed in foster care at ten , Enzo Jordan has learned one thing … love hurts . At thirty - five , he has a successful tattoo shop and his choice of women . The one - night stands are getting old , and the love he holds for his best friend , Aibhlinn is impossible to hide . When the attraction between them reaches a boiling point , he 's forced to choose between facing his fears and walking away . Aibhlinn Leahy has been in love with her best friend for years . The Irish - born comic book artist has poured time , energy , and love into the wounded man . His choice to walk away breaks her heart but frees her to explore a new future . Life is a cruel and amazing thing . An abandoned baby brings the two back together , and they 're forced to examine the love that has long existed between them . This is a story of pain , scars , and fear . We all have demons to battle . The real decision is who 's in control … us or them ? The alarm mocked him as he woke to limbs tangled with his own . The blonde from the night before snuggled into his side . He ran a hand through his hair and rested his head on the pillow . Overnights weren 't his norm , but waking up alone on today of all days wasn 't an option . He had a love - hate connection with the day of his birth , and thirty - four was too old to deal with shit with liquor . So … he fucked in excess and kept his liquor consumption to a minimum instead . Normally , he would be ready to go for round three , but all he wanted was silence … some peace . He moved away from the blonde and rolled from the bed , ready to wash away the night before . What kind of makeup shit lasts overnight ? The thought of the chemicals involved made him shudder . " As amazing as you were last night , I 'll have to pass . " She huffed and tossed the blankets aside , swinging her shapely legs over the side of the bed as she stood . She was petite , tanned , toned , and plastic . It made her easy to look at , have a good time with , and say good - bye to . Not that he ever felt bad . She knew what she was getting into , they all did . He made it clear he didn 't do seconds and wasn 't looking for more than a mutual exchange of pleasure . Still , some of them seemed to think they would win some magical lottery , and things would change in the morning . He 'd seen Tracee around the tattoo shop a million times . She was an ink chaser . She wanted a tattoo artist for an old man in the worst way . He made it clear she was barking up the wrong tree , but she kept coming around . He wasn 't looking to have a significant other , and her desperation to land someone who would take care of her made his skin crawl . This would kill two birds with one stone . She cocked her hip and narrowed her eyes . " You sure about that , sweetheart ? We had a lot of fun . Imagine that in your bed every night . " The color drained from her face . She snatched up her sky - high heels and fled . " Nothing , see you around , " she muttered , skittering out the door before he could respond . People wondered about him and his best friend , Aibhlinn . They didn 't think a man and a woman could be friends without jumping in the bed together . His theory was the exact opposite . Sex ruined things . It broke up lifelong relationships , made people paranoid , and upset the natural order you first had before romance entered the picture . No , his spitfire Irish lass with the piercing blue - green eyes and flowing chestnut mane would remain off limits forever . The very thought of her made him smile . Even on his darkest day , she never failed to bring him a little happiness . He walked to the front door of his house and locked the door behind Tracee . A quick glance at the clock told him he had about thirty minutes to get his ass into gear . He walked back over the maple hardwood floor and into the bathroom . The white on white tiles and glass shower enclosure made the room appear more open and easy to get into and out of , which made the space tolerable . Turning on the hot water , he sank onto the bench at the far end of the massive stall and let the gathering steam clear his pores and his muddled head . Lack of sleep and beer had him feeling sluggish . After a few minutes , he rose to his feet , stepped under the spray , quickly soaped down , and rinsed off . Off limits didn 't mean he couldn 't admire her assets . An off the shoulder Pink Floyd sweater displayed tantalizing porcelain flesh . She had her hair pulled up into a messy bun that showed off her long , slender neck . She rolled her eyes . " Smart ass . We 'll be back for that later . If you don 't hurry , we 'll miss the sunrise . " He nodded his head and walked toward her , wrapping an arm around her waist as they hugged . He pressed a kiss to her forehead . " Thanks for coming , Ave . " Anywhere , with someone worthy of your time and affection . It was his deepest fear . That she would enter a romantic relationship and their friendship would go by the wayside . It was selfish wanting her to remain his number one girl … she deserved more . It worked for them now . They were both artists obsessed by the act of creating . The years were passing swiftly , and she 'd gone from unknown to sought after in her career field . First come loves , and then comes marriage . He snarled , pushing the thought of the day she , too , left him far in the background of his brain . At five - foot - eleven , she still lacked the strength to move him if he resisted . Along with fucking , he liked to workout . It kept his head from getting overcrowded and allowed him a healthy way to work out his frustrations . Locking the door behind them , he followed her to the black SUV . Enzo was at the driver 's side , opening her door before she could protest . He knew how to treat a woman . He wasn 't so fucked up that he felt a sick need to use and abuse them . His mother , the angel who adopted him and straightened his ass out , would skin him alive if he ever went that route . Fog hung in the air , creating a thin layer of white . The haze turned the massive structure that was their destination into something mystical , or creepy , depending on how one looked at it . Bundled against the fall chill , they made their way from the car and into Ault Park , in the direction of the pavilion . This park held good and bad memories . His birth mother brought him here many times . Originally , he thought it was because she was a good mother who loved the outdoors and knew he loved to be among the beauty the park offered . As he grew , he understood it was a public place to get her fix . No one thought twice of a man , a woman , and a child walking through the woods . He would never forget the first time his brain registered the cash she gave Uncle Ian was for drugs . The tiny brown squares were heroin . They 'd found her body here on his sixteenth birthday , needle still in her arm , eyes vacant , and body cold . She 'd turned a day he already loathed into something even worse . The ache meant he was alive . That he 'd survived against the odds . Thinking of the days scrounging for food in garbage cans , stealing from the stores , and running drugs for dope boys to feed his starving gut … he shuddered . She 'd always saved the most fucked up shit for his birthday , like an anti - birthday gift . That last day she 'd left and never returned was his twelfth birthday . He bowed his head in solemn remembrance . All the bullshit made it hard for a guy to feel joy on the day he came into the world and landed in a pile of festering shit . But that 's not where I am now . He glanced over at the woman standing beside him as the sky yielded from an inky blue to a purple , and a dusky orange . The sun 's rays turned everything golden , and for that moment in time , things were clean and new . The world was a hopeful place . The darkness was banished . " Nature 's first green is gold , her hardest hue to hold . Her early leaf 's a flower ; but only so an hour . Then leaf subsides to leaf . So Eden sank to grief , so dawn goes down to day . Nothing gold can stay , " he whispered , quoting Robert Frost 's " Nothing Gold Can Stay " . There was a man who understood how to live in the moments before dawn ended . He hadn 't gotten there yet . Ava tangled her fingers with his , and he let her . She was a blazing white light in the murkiness . His Irish angel on his shoulder , constantly encouraging him to do better , insisting he reach for his dreams , and repeatedly telling him he was worthy . She was the best present he 'd ever received , on the same day his mother left this Earth . Perhaps that 's why he liked having her with him on his birthday . He sat in the back of the room , sketching in the expensive pad Mrs . Jordan had purchased for him as a birthday gift . As far as foster parents went , Karen and her husband Bill were one of the rare ones . Not only were they decent , they seemed to enjoy having him and the other boys there . The children who moved in and out were more than a paycheck ; they were a chance to change lives . He thought it was an act at first . Now , he understood they were the genuine article . He 'd been here six months , and other than bumping heads on being accountable for his whereabouts , it had been fairly smooth sailing . The high school was the same as any other , but he dug the art teacher , Ms . Leahy . The Irish woman with bright red hair , blue eyes , and a melodic accent encouraged him to hone his skills . She said he had the potential to be a great artist . It was something he 'd never really heard before . Writing and poetry were a means to escape from the shitty surroundings he often found himself trapped in . Artists and writers understood pain in the intimate way a boxing coach knew the mechanics of fighting . She laughed . " That 's about the usual response to me . " She held out her hand . " Aibhlinn Leahy , I 'm Ms . Leahy 's daughter . I just transferred to this high school . " He snorted . Heads turned to glance back at them . He scowled , and they faced forward . " Look , you 're new here , so you don 't know any better . But … I should warn you . Being seen with me will get you labeled as an outcast . " After they returned from Ault Park , Aibhlinn studied Enzo from beneath her lashes . He seemed more sullen this year than he had previously . " What 's wrong ? " she asked , setting his bowl of steel cut oats and toast in front of him . His pouty expression was adorable . She tried not to smile at the picture he presented . It was all too easy to imagine what little Enzo looked like once upon a time . " No , this feels like more than that , " she said , frowning . " What about Jinx Tattoos ? You guys are taking names and kicking ass . You just did an interview with the local paper . That 's not something a mediocre shop does , " she said . She sighed . " After what happened to my father you mean ? Yes . He made bad decisions , and it cost him his life . Catalyst being , my mother got out of there and made a better life for us . " Her heart turned to lead as she thought about her father and his obsession with purifying Ireland . They 'd lost him to a bomb . He lived by the gun , and he died by it . Her mother had distanced herself from his associates and casually applied for a working visa . The rest was history . She shook her head . " No , it 's okay . You asked an honest question . I try not to think about that too much , Enzo . It 's no use rehashing a past none of us can change . If anything , I used it as a model for what not to do . We can 't control the things that happen to us . But we can decide what to do with the rest of our life afterward . " " More than me . I 've watched you work your ass off to get where you are . I remember when you were pounding the pavement submitting your resume everywhere , doing any sort of pro bono work you could to get your name out there . You worked a bevy of craptastic jobs to support yourself while you went after your dream . Now , you 're well on your way to achieving them . Own that shit . " Heat rushed to her cheeks , and she glanced away . She would never possess his swagger . Some days her plentiful contracts felt like a streak of good luck , though she had the work history to prove it to be anything but that . " Your mother , and come on , you know that 's never going to happen . I 'll always have time for you . " It could be you if you 'd let yourself try with me . " With the right man … someday , yes . At this point , I 've never had a relationship make it to the one year mark . I 'm a lot to handle , and it 's going to take one hell of a man to get me even half as well as you do . " She willed him to finally see what was in front of him . They were a key and lock , made to fit and always working in tandem . It was a rarity . Unless you step up to the plate . She glanced out the window , afraid he would see the longing in her eyes . Maybe he 's trying to tell me we are never going to happen and I need to move on without him . And my ass is too stupid to realize it . " I don 't feel the crush of age the way you do . I think it 'll happen organically . Life has a way of putting you on the right path eventually . For now , I 'm in love with my life . I love my vintage two - bedroom apartment in the charming historic building . The freedom of being a freelancer , and the point I 've reached in my career . Why borrow trouble worrying about what may or may not happen ? " " No , it 's a conscious choice I make daily . You know I live in my head . I 've been in the dark before … really deep . I 'm trying not to return there . I didn 't like it much the first time . " Enzo nodded and shoveled a spoonful of oats into his mouth . He was a brooding thinker , her creative best friend . Most only saw the successful tattoo artist with a hot bod , and what they took for a short fuse . While he might have some anger issues about certain events , he never flew off the handle or did anything impulsive . He was a brooder . A deep thinking individual who camouflaged his sensitivity with humor , crassness , and walls . She 'd scaled them one by one over the years , but an unbreakable obstacle remained . She forced herself to eat her breakfast . Times like this , it was best to let the silence remain between them . His birthdate was always rough . She never really understood why he wanted her with him . He never went into detail , simply saying it made him feel better . She was a sucker that way , not wanting to bring up painful memories of his past . Maybe I should practice tough love ? How could she when the majority of his formative years had been hell ? The things that happened to you in the first five years shaped your life forever , she knew that more than most . " So what movie are we starting with ? " she asked , wiping the kitchen island down . The horror movie marathon had grown legendary . People would show up with birthday offerings , popcorn , candy , and snacks . He celebrated the traditional way with family the day after his birthday . This day was just for them . She laughed with him and retrieved a bottle of scotch and two glass tumblers . Setting the personalized glasses onto the counter that she 'd brought back from Ireland on a visit , she moved to the fridge for the ice . " You get the movie cued up , and I 'll be in a minute , " she said . Aibhlinn then pulled out the plastic black ice tray and cracked the round ball of ice out of its mold . Setting one gently into a glass , she repeated the process , proud of the habits Enzo picked up from her . Her love of fine whiskey was another trait she 'd inherited from her father . Back home , people took their drinks quite seriously . While her mother could drink with the best of them , she wasn 't as particular on her pick of poison . She poured them both a healthy dollop and placed them - along with the bottle - onto a chocolate wood breakfast tray she 'd bought . It was amazing how many of her touches she could see throughout his house . If she 'd left it up to him , the place would still be a barren bachelor 's pad . The man could be his own worst enemy . It was like he didn 't believe he deserved happiness . She entered the room , set the tray on the black table in front of the couch , and sank onto the soft grey cushion . As the movie began , she tucked her legs under her and leaned into his side . It was the only time she could get this close casually . His body exuded heat , and the scent of something dark and delicious seeped from his pores . She knew the brand of body wash he used , but it was something about his chemistry that turned the scent into an indescribable buffet for the senses . Content , she let herself get lost in the movie . She laughed . " Well , yeah , but so did Peter Jackson . He 's a special kind of sick and twisted , though he hides it well these days . I mean , Meet the Feebles ? " " That 's the double edge sword of fame I suppose . When you 're just making a name , you 're not expected to do anything in particular . The world is your playground , and the only limitation is your imagination . Then you get recognition , get labeled , and wind up stuck in a box . He 's still making Lord of the Ring films how many years later ? " " I don 't know , he has a cult film following , too , though . That 's something to be proud of . Plus , there was District 9 . That was a step back toward those movies where he really flexed his creative muscles and stepped ' outside of the box ' , " she said using air quotes . " I 'll get it , " Aibhlinn said , eager to put some distance between the two of them . It was a little too easy to pretend things between them could be romantic behavior . She peered out the window above the door and grinned at the sight of the blond male with green eyes . The baby of the brothers , he had a lightheartedness about him . She opened the door . " Rhys . " Rhys moved back , laughing . " I 'm headed to the gym now . I got an early appointment that 'll take a good chunk of my day up . " " A back piece . Luckily , it 's not their first . I always cringe when first times come in and try to do a back piece in one sitting . " Rhys shook his head . " We won 't , and if we do , I 'm calling Noah . It 's your day . " Rhys and Enzo fist bumped . " See you soon , pretty girl , " Rhys said , giving her a hug before he disappeared out the door . He laughed and removed the red tissue paper . " Oh , man , she did good . " He pulled out a bulky box set . " We are watching Kill Bill next . " She leaned in and read the description . It was a gift set featuring Quentin Tarantino 's best and bloodiest . " I love your mom . She 's so cool . " " Trust me , the feeling is mutual with your mom . Come on , let 's finish our movie before we 're interrupted again . " Enzo led her back into the living room . Shyla Colt grew up in Cincinnati , Ohio , but has lived a variety of different places thanks to her wanderlust , interesting careers , and marriage to a United States Marine . She 's always loved books and wrote her very first novel at the age of fifteen . She keeps a copy of her first submission letter on her desk for inspiration . After a lifetime of traveling , she settled down and knew her time had come to write . Diving into her new career like she does everything else , with enthusiasm , research and a lot of prayers , she had her first book published in June of 2011 . As a full - time writer , stay at home mother , and wife , there 's never a dull moment in her household . She weaves her tales in spare moments and the evenings with a cup of coffee or tea at her side and the characters in her head for company . A self - professed rebel with a pen . Her goal is to diversify romance as she continues to genre hop , and offer up strong female characters . At the 2016 Rio Games , Olympic runner Drake Roberts is chasing a dream , a dream that isn 't his . For as long as he can remember it has been his father 's dream for him to be an Olympic gold medalist . Now an injury could rip away everything he 's worked so hard for . Tamara York has her dream job . She 's part of the team that keeps the Olympic track and field athletes in peak condition . With plenty of growth potential , no one is going to deviate her from her goals , until she sees Drake hiding his injury . Now she has to help Drake to a full recovery while resisting his charms . Drake Roberts bounced down into a squat , grimacing at the sharp needle of pain in his knee . He grit his teeth and rose up again , hoping against hope his coach hadn 't seen his face . He 'd told Len his knee was fine . That he was fit to compete in the Olympics . These games were going to be his last . He hoped to win a medal . He didn 't care what color . Anyone would do . If he won , his dad would stop lamenting how he 'd missed out on Olympic glory and his son had achieved what he hadn 't been able to do . Some would say Drake was living his father 's dream . He couldn 't deny it , he was . When he 'd won silver at the world championships last year for the 1 , 500m race , he thought that might be enough for his dad , after missing out on a medal in the 2012 Olympics . Unfortunately , his win had only fueled his father to push him to work toward trying for another Olympics . After all , his father said , he got silver and if he worked harder he could get gold . So now , here he was , in the training room at Rio , nursing an injury he 'd hidden from his father . He 'd told his coach it was okay but he 'd aggravated it when he 'd taken a run around the Olympic track the day after he 'd arrived . He should 've given his knee a chance to recover from being cooped up in a plane for over eight hours . While the buzz of being at the Olympics was something you couldn 't adequately describe to anyone , unless they lived it themselves , and he wanted it all over . Once it was done he could announce his retirement from competitive running and his life wouldn 't compose of getting up at the crack ass of dawn to practice and travelling all over the States from meet to meet . He might be able to have a normal life . Although what was normal ? If he didn 't win gold his father would no doubt push him to try again for the 2020 Olympics . He would be thirty then . He really didn 't want to do another four years of training . Drake closed his eyes as he squatted down again . This time the pain was sharper . He blew a breath out as he rose up again . How many more squats was he going to have to do ? Behind him stood Tamara York , the team 's assistant physical trainer , easy on the eye with her honey blond hair caught in a high pony - tail and crystal blue eyes , curves in all the right places . Not so easy on the rehab exercises she had him doing when he first injured his knee . She was also the last person he wanted to know how sore his knee actually was . He knew the other guys on the track squad talked about seeing if she 'd go on a date with one of them , none had tried though , they 'd all been warned by TJ the head physical trainer that she was off limits . And seeing as most of the guys on the squad like their balls , they obeyed TJ . Like Joey with is sure fire , How you doing line to get the girls , Drake flashed Tamara his signature melt - your - panties smile and winked . " Nope all good here . But if you feel the need to give me a rub down , I won 't say no . " While he knew it was a sleazy line action , and he could have TJ 's wrath come down on him for flirting , he didn 't care . He didn 't want Tamara anywhere near his injury . He didn 't want her telling him his Olympic run was over before it even started . " It can be whatever you want it to be . " Yep , he was certifiable to keep on being super sleazy with Tamara . He hoped she would walk away and be none the wiser to what his body was going through . " Right , well I 've been watching you and I 've seen you cringe through every one of those squats . If you want to compete in these Games , I suggest you come see me in the treatment room after you 've finished your practice . " She walked away , back straight , her pony - tail swishing from side to side , giving him no chance to object to her edict about their meeting in the treatment room . Drake chuckled to himself and pushed the thought away . There was no way Tamara was even remotely interested in him . He was just the unlucky one she 'd decided to observe that day . Jase had it all . Happily married with a little boy , his life couldn 't be more perfect , until an ugly accident steals his entire world . Forced to move on without his family , Jase tries to pick up the pieces of his life . The Ravage MC is a family . Always has been , always will be . But life took them all on a different path , a path where they suffered loss , betrayal , and heartache . Now it all comes down to this moment : a day of reckoning . After all , now they know the cause of all the turmoil their lives have become . And only one thing is on their minds : vengeance . As with everything else , revenge comes at a price . And sometimes , the cost is far greater than one can bear . Can they live with their choices and the consequences ? Or will the entire club feel more pain and loss ? * * Please note , this is the final , full - length novel in the Ravage Motorcycle Club series . It is told from several different points of view , including but not limited to Buzz , Bella , Breaker , Pops , and Ma . Of course , in true Ryan Michele fashion , there are twists , turns , suspense , and action to keep you on your toes and the pages flying . Add in a feisty romance with alpha male hotness , including a m / f / m ménage scene , and like all the Ravage novels , it is intended for mature audiences only . |
This is book # 7 in my goal for my September is for Sequels Challenge . Again , it wasn 't on my original list of sequels to fulfill my goal , but it was one I 'd been wanting to read for awhile , and I 'd checked it out from my school library last May at the end of the school year , and just didn 't get to again until now ! But I wasn 't disappointed at all . This time the story is told from Curzon 's point of view rather than Isabel , in fact , Isabel isn 't even really in the book in person until after the halfway point . We find out that when Isabel and Curzon ran away , in order to try to find Isabel 's sister Ruth who had been sold away to a couple far from where they lived , they hadn 't yet made it to find Ruth . In fact , Isabel got so mad that Curzon hadn 't taken her the right direction , she ran off with the money they 'd had . Never mind the fact that Curzon had actually planned to do this himself , but only in order to try to take care of some things before he came back to her . Also , Curzon had begun to have feelings about Isabel as more than a friend . So her running away from him was also a huge punch in the stomach . Now , both were slaves . Curzon had served in the army , and had been promised freedom by his owner for serving in the war , so he feels he must be free now . Isabel , a runaway for sure . As Curzon is off now running away from his horrible boss Trumball , he happens to save the life of a young soldier named Ebenezer , or Eben for short , from a British soldier . Eben assumes Curzon must be a soldier too , and so brings him back to camp with him . And soon Curzon is once again enlisted in the army . This even helps him out with Trumball , gets him away from him . There are some people in their regiment that aren 't as accepting of a black soldier . And are constantly trying to get people to believe that Curzon is a runaway slave . But for awhile this is not a problem , as Eben 's uncle is in charge of the troop and believes what his nephew says . For now . Soon this man , Burns , gets in charge of the troop , and the uncle dies , and now Curzon 's life becomes hell . They are now in Valley Forge . It is here that Curzon 's old master , Bellingham shows up , and decides that Curzon is still his property , and even takes him to court , with the help of Burns . Once Curzon is back as a slave , he finds that Bellingham has also captured Isabel . And to defeat her habit of running away , he has an iron collar put around her neck , so that everyone will know who she belongs to , and that she is a slave . Curzon has survived now through a miserable winter with the other soldiers . And now that Isabel is back , he wants nothing more than to be with her and escape to freedom , even if it means promising her to really get her sister . But Isabel has changed . And Curzon must find a way to not only convince her that he is still her friend , more if he can be . And every time it seems they may have a plan that will work , another obstacle is in their way . I won 't give more away . But I will say the obstacles are pretty much all realistic in my opinion . Not something the author just kept coming up with to extend the story , but they work , and do really make the story better . Once again I loved reading about the issue of slavery not during the Civil War . And again it seems so hypocritical that these people were fighting for their freedom from the British , yet still enslaved people because of the color of their skin ! I love that there were some people in the story , one judge included , that saw this ridiculousness . It still makes me sad that it took people so long to realize this , and that people had to suffer this way . As a current teacher , and a librarian wannabe , I am really glad to be participating in this Blog Hop . I think it is very important that all people get the chance to read what they want . No one should be able to tell another person what they can or can 't read ( except parents and their children ) just because there is something in the book they don 't like or agree with . One of the banned books I 've picked below as one of my favorites is all about a girl who is on drugs and her life is just horrible . But reading it in high school didn 't make me want to do drugs , and didn 't glamorize it in any way . It just gave me a look into that world , one that I would never have seen , and helped to give me some empathy for people who did find themselves in that situation . This is the 30th Anniversary of Banned Book Week as put on by ALA , the American Library Association . Some of the books I found on the list are just unimaginable as to why they could possibly be on there . You can get more information about that from the ALA website . For my giveaway you can choose one of my 10 favorite banned books shown below . Just fill out the Rafflecopter below that . And be sure to go check out the other links in the Linky below for some other great giveaways and stops about Banned Books . I was so excited to get this ARC , and it came from the author herself ! When I emailed and asked if there was anything she 'd be willing to do to help me celebrate my 3rd Blogoversary , she emailed back saying that she was sending me something in the mail , and this was what I got ! ! The awesomeness of the author aside , I really enjoyed this book . I think actually I 'd give it a 4 . 5 , if I was able to give half stars on Goodreads . Not a perfect 5 , because I did have one thing that bothered me a tiny bit . As I got towards the end , it seemed almost kind of rushed , I felt that there could have been more time spent with Joss and the other Slayers in NYC . Maybe it 's just because I wanted more time with them , that their summer seemed really short to me . And I just didn 't want the book to end so soon ! ! ! ! So , as this series goes , we are learning about where Joss was in the summers between when the Vlad Tod books took place . At the end of last summer ( spoiler alert if you haven 't read the first one yet ) Joss had to kill Sirus , someone he 'd grown so close to and even had gotten to be really good friends with his daughter Kat . But as far as everyone other than Kat knew , Sirus had died in an accident . And Joss doesn 't know for sure if the others knew , but he learned that Sirus was a vampire . The Slayers ' sworn enemies . What Joss was brought to the camp to learn how to kill . But Joss was also in trouble for another of the Slayers that died in his negligence at the camp . We do start the book with Joss coming home for the summer from staying with his cousin Henry . It was there that he met Vlad Tod , and found out that vampires might not all be horrible creatures , even after he tried to kill Vlad . I mean , he still remembers how great Sirus was to him . So Joss has confusion still about the whole right and wrong . I mean , his family is still messed up from losing his sister . His father is still mean to him , and his mother is still quite out of it . So when he gets a call from his uncle Abraham to come spend the summer with him , according to his dad to whip him into shape , but Joss knows it is for the Slayer Society , he is ready to go . To prove himself for the mistakes he made last summer . Plus , he is getting cryptic texts from Kat , Sirus 's daughter . She intends revenge for her father 's death . Once in NYC , it turns out there is a vampire serial killer . One who is killing with what seems to be no rhyme or reason . As Joss and the other slayers begin to investigate , Joss is given lead on the situation . And he does find information . And they follow those leads . But once again there is confusion , when they run into a family member of the one of the Slayers that is a vampire . And then Morgan , one of the Slayers , knows Dorian , the man who sent Joss his grandfather 's stake , and Joss doesn 't know how there is a connection there . Lots ofThis was my 6th book in my September is for Sequels Challenge . I was so sure I would be able to make my goal of 8 books , as I was almost finished with this when I went to bed Monday night . But then , I only got to read a little at breakfast on Tuesday , and then I was sick , had to leave Parent Teacher conferences early , and so no reading yesterday . Horrible day . I 'm starting a new book today , a shorter one as well . If I could get it done by Friday , I could sure do my best to get an 8th book done by Sunday at midnight , but we 'll see ! I got this book as a stripped cover from the bookstore where I work . I had read the first book , XVI , as part of doing the Debut Author Challenge through The Story Siren back in 2011 , in fact , I think it might have been the first one I read for that challenge . The story picks back up with Nina and her sister Dee living in with their grandmother and grandfather in an apartment in Chicago . They are lower tier , but Nina is a " Creative " which means that she will have the opportunity to move up tiers later on . Nina has her XVI tattoo , and wants to be able to add a design to it , as other Creatives are allowed to . She is trying to get past what happened in the first book , meeting her father , who is a leader in the rebellion . Killing her step - father , in order to save her friend . A friend of hers from the past , Joan , who was in the FelS program has returned and is living on the streets homeless , having been turned into a sex slave and escaping . She has her boyfriend Sal , and things seem to be going great . Except , she 's jealous of this girl named Paulette that works with him in the resistance group , and the fact that Sal seems to think that girls can 't take care of themselves . Then , the unthinkable happens . Her grandfather , Pops , is using a scrambler while he talks to a friend , but doesn 't stop talking when it quits working , and so he gets caught and arrested . When this happens their grandmother has a heart attack . She 's taken to the hospital , where Nina and Dee once again are reminded of being lower class . One mother is there trying to get the police to arrest a gang of boys who raped her daughter . But because of the whole " sex - teen " image , it is not considered rape . Something that makes Nina want to join a secret group called the Sisterhood that tries to fight against this whole system even more . While they are waiting at the hospital , this one doctor wants to try an experimental treatment on her grandmother . There is something about this doctor that Nina doesn 't trust , but he is one of the best , so she allows him to . WheAll this is going on , plus Nina joins the Sisterhood , plus she begins to have doubts about Sal , and begins to feel something for Wei 's brother Chris . She works at her job at the art gallery . She finds help in lots of situations , and does her best to help her friend Joan . All ending up with a big scare for her , as well as a cliffhanger . Now , from the way this book is set up , and how it talks about a " companion " novel being the first one , I kind of assumed when I began the book that the whole story was going to be concluded in this book . Now , while it did leave at a sort of ending point , it left a ton unresolved , and I am so glad to see there is supposed to be a 3rd book coming out next year . Because I need more ! A good book . Really suspenseful , so much happens , it keeps you reading constantly . I liked how we got a little bit more of the past history , how there was an all female government , and how some of the new laws probably stem a bit from that time when they were overthrown . I also like hearing how other parts of the world fared in the situation , and knowing where might be safe for people to get away from all this . This was my 5th sequel as part of my September is for Sequels Challenge . So I 'm glad I 've passed my minimum , although I 'm guessing I still won 't quite reach my original goal of 8 . I 've chosen another shorter book to read next , hoping I can get 6 , or maybe even 7 done , and get closer to my original goal . It 's just that the first couple of sequels I picked were like almost 500 pages ! Posted by I only gave this 4 out of 5 stars . But that 's more on me , than the quality of the book . It was good , but it feels like so long ago that I read the first 2 books , or maybe just so many books that I 've read since , I was a little lost at first . Kind of like Nora . We get a quick flash at the beginning back to what was happening at the end of the last book , enough to make me think I needed to go back and re - read it , because I was a little unclear about some of the details . But fortunately , the author is nice enough to give us Nora 's flashbacks , as she 's remembering , as well as when she can get into Patch 's memories through his wing scars , and that helped to catch me up . I also for some reason don 't seem to remember Nora being such a goody goody as she thinks she is in this book . I may have to go back and read the first one again . I just didn 't get that from her the first time I read it . But , I have to admit , that I do connect with that side of Nora a little bit more . As I was quite the goody goody as a teenager . But I like how the story goes in this one . We 're introduced to some bad guys towards the beginning that I was sure would show up again , but they didn 't really seem to till the end . There were some scary moments with them though , until Jev showed up . And I really want to know what Jev stands for now . Nora 's best friend hides the whole thing about Patch from her , as well as her mother , who is now dating Nora 's worst enemy 's ( Marcy Millar ) father . And not only is he a car salesman , and one of the richest men in town , he is also the Black Hand . Which Nora finally starts getting clued back into after her encounter with those bad guys I was talking about , Gabe and others , and then when she meets up with her childhood friend , Scott . Who is also a Nephilim , who is hiding from Hank , because he does not want to swear fealty and have to give up his body . The archangel we meet at the end of the story and what she has to say to Patch and Nora sets us up for the last book in the series . And I was left needing to know what wAnd , I have to include my picture from meeting Becca Fitzpatrick this summer at BEA . I 'm stop 40 on the Stuck in a Good Book Hop sponsored by I Am a Reader , Not a Writer and Stuck in Books . The idea is to give away a book that just grabbed you and and you couldn 't put it down . And so I 've chosen to give you a few choices of my favorite books . This will be international , as long as The Book Depository delivers to your country , click on the the link in this sentence to find out if you are unsure . Or , if you 've read all these , I 'll allow you to choose any other book for $ 10 or less . ( US Dollars ) . All you 've got to do , is sign up on the Rafflecopter below ! And when you 're done , be sure to go visit all the other links in the Linky below the Rafflecopter for more great giveaways ! This is my 3rd sequel towards my September is for Sequels Challenge goal . I don 't think I 'm going to make my goal of 8 books unfortunately , but I 'm hoping to at least get what I set the minimum as 4 . I don 't know that I included this on my original list either . But it has been sitting on my TBR shelf since last October , when our school had the book fair and I got it for a good price . Plus I saw there is a new one in the series after this one , so I need to get ahead and ready to read that one too . When we left off in book 3 , Jonah and his sister Katherine had been sent ahead to 1611 , and didn 't know where they were or why . And it turns out they 'd been sent to Henry Hudson 's ship on what was his final voyage looking for the Northwest Passage . Jonah must pose as John Hudson , Henry 's son , who was one of the children taken from history . Katherine must stay invisible . But just as they reach the boat , a mutiny has begun , and Jonah is knocked out . Or his tracer of John Hudson is . And now they 're thrown off the boat into the smaller boat called a shallop , with his father and the other sick and weak men from the ship . As they 're floating there , wondering if this is the end , something strange happens . The ship comes back and pulls them back on , one of the men has overtaken the mutineers and come back to rescue Henry . Not only that , he leaves the mutineers on the ice . Now , this is a big change in history . The man who did this , Prickett , seems off to Jonah . Something about him , his voice , his actions , seems familiar . And Jonah and Katherine soon find out he is really Second , wearing a disguise to make him look like Prickett , just like Jonah is wearing to look like John Hudson . Eventually , they learn that time is really unraveling , there are many signs . And they learn that at those times , there are different rules than they originally thought . Jonah must still try to help Second in order to try to save Andrea . And while the bargain is somewhat kept to Second 's satisfaction , other things become changed . I think the reason this was less " fun " for me , is that the story of Hudson isn 't as big a story as the other books have covered . And the last one , the story of Roanoke , was a story I was really fascinated with . I 'm glad to see another book coming out though , because I do want to know what will happen next , and what JB 's last comment of " Have fun . . . while you still can . " refers to . First of course I must thank Netgalley and Lee and Low Books for allowing me to read the egalley of this book in August . I was really excited to read this , as I really do love dystopian books , and this was really touted as a book of short dystopian stories . And it is . The " Diverse " in the title , stands for the fact that the characters in these stories are not just " white " , heterosexual , " normal " book characters . So I understand why they wanted to do that . It is made up of 11 stories . Some I liked better than others . I will go through and give a quick review of each story . 1 . The Last Day by Ellen Oh - I know it 's supposed to be a future setting , but what happens in it really makes me think back to Hiroshima , and almost sounded to me like it was a retelling of that story in a future setting . I wasn 't a huge fan of it . 2 . Freshee 's Frogurt by Daniel H . Wilson - This was not new to me , and won 't be to anyone who read Robopocalypse . It is a part of that book . So it 's good , but I skipped it because I 'd already read it , and it wasn 't any different than from before , at least not that I could tell . 3 . Uncertainty Principle by K . Tempest Bradford - This was a bit of a time travel novel . The main character noticed things would change around her , but no one else seemed to notice . Till one day her parents were gone , and she wanted them back . I kind of liked the story . Only I got a bit confused about what all was happening at the end . I think when I have time , or when the book is actually published , I 'll have to go back and take another look at this story . 4 . Pattern Recognition by Ken Liu - This is set in China , and I think is somewhat about all the kids that are abandoned or the fact that there are so many children . But anyway , boys and girls have been brought to this school , saved supposedly by a Dr . that uses their ability to notice patterns in things to solve problems . So they play these " games " and by solving these problems or playing , they help Dr . Gau , who tells them that outside the walls that they are inside of parents would strangle their kids for fear of not enough food , or kill their daughters because they weren 't boys . He said that inside it was clean and safe for them . Of course kids will question things , and they do , and in a way , it reminds me of Running Out of Time by Margaret Peterson Haddix . I liked this story , although the end was a bit rushed . I 'd like to see it fleshed out a bit . 5 . Gods of Dimming Light by Greg Van Eekhout - This is a cold futuristic world . Many people are out of work , and don 't have money for food , or electricity , such as our main character . And so he has seen a flier for a medical study . He decides to go . The office is full of these beautiful women . When he passes the test to where he is going to get a " reward " the flier said was $ 1000 , he is sent back to where he now finds out these women might be a bit crazy . They believe they are valkyries , and that Edward 's DNA shows him to be a possible one as well . Which he doesn 't think works , as he is a Muslim , or his father is , and he was born in Indonesia . Interesting story , not really what I 'd call dystopian exactly though . 6 . Next Door by Rahul Kanakia - In this future world , the people with money have become " plugged in " to their virtual implants , so they could spend time in worlds they wanted to be in , rather than what happened around them , even in their own houses . So other people live in the garages , or even in the actual houses ! Aakash is our main character , and he lives with his mom and two younger brothers . In a garage , with bed bugs . Makes my skin itch just thinking about the story again . Aakash and his boyfriend are always going out looking for other homes that they can move their families to . Hopefully ones without bedbugs . They wind up as part of a crime ring , with the owner of the house Aakash lives in the garage of . Good story , interesting story ! 7 . Good Girl by Malinda Lo - In this story we have a girl who just wants to find where her brother disappeared . If he went into the Tunnels . She goes to ask one of the people who she knows is from the Tunnels to check around for her . She has to pay , but can 't afford the full price the girl asks for , so has to offer to feed her from the restaurant where her mother works in Chinatown . This leads to an interesting relationship , where " Kyle " , our main character begins to feel an interest in Nix , the girl who is somewhat helping her to find her brother . In this future , the government says that " mixing races " causes genetic diseases , and wants everyone to follow a " birth " plan of when to have babies , and who to have them with . This is more of a dystopian situation to me than some of the others . 8 . A Pocket Full of Dharma by Paolo Bacigalupi - This is one of my favorite stories . Imagine a future where a building can be created out of living material ? Just amazing that alone ! Wang Jun is our main character and he lives in China . But that isn 't all that is amazing . Wang Jun is a beggar , he must beg for money to even get food or other things . And one day he is sent on a mission to deliver a small cube to someone . When that person doesn 't show up to pick it up , he leaves . He wants to know what the cube is , has an idea it is some kind of computer chip , and takes it to a person he knows . They put it in a machine , and find out it is the Dalai Lama ! Who went to sleep for surgery , and now he has woken up inside this cube ! Wow , the story is just great ! ! 9 . Blue Skies by Cindy Pon - This is set in the future in Taiwan . In this future , the air is bad . Rich people have helmets they wear to help not breathe the bad air . People like our main character don 't . His plan is to kidnap one of these rich girls , and get a bunch of money from her rich parents . Enough that he can become one of the people living in a helmet . He takes the girl out of the city to the place he 'd been living , a rundown lab building where he built a garden to try to grow food to eat . She wants to learn about this outside world as she 's never seen it before . A very good dystopian future . 10 . What Arms to Hold by Rajan Khanna - In this future boys are sent to work in robotic mining machines . They are surgically connected to the machines . One day Ravi 's " Golly " as the robots are called , is attacked by another one , as a boy goes crazy . Turns out as the boys get sick , they supposedly get sent away to different jobs . He thought his older brother was sent to a better job . Turns out when they are no longer useful , they 're killed , or left to die . And the letters from home they get ? Just form letters typed up . Ravi is going to help a rebellion , until he also needs to help a friend , at that point , he must make a decision . Another interesting , true dystopian story . 11 . Solitude by Ursula K . LeGuin - This was an interesting story . Not exactly dystopian in my opinion though . More science fiction , as the author 's name should clue you in . It is about a girl who goes with her mother and brother to live on another planet with the people and try to learn their culture . In this culture the men live as hermits . The women live in homes alone with their children , and only talk to the children . Women don 't talk to each other or go into each others ' homes . The daughter and son really begin to fit into the society , until the day the son , In Joy Born , must leave the village of women because he is no longer considered a child , he is now a young man , and he must live in a group of young men , until they are ready to go out and fight for a place to live as the other men do . This isn 't a good life , and he comes back and asks his mother to take him back to the ship . The daughter does not want to , she wants to stay part of the community . But one day she must go to the ship for awhile , even though she soon gets to go back and be a part of the group she grew up with . The stories were interesting , mostly quick reads . Most were not quite my idea of dystopian , but all had their own little twist and uniqueness . In a way there is kind of something for everyone . I can think of many people to recommend it to , both students , and customers at the bookstore where I work . I would have to go with The Near Witch by Victoria Schwab . I wanted to like this book so much . I even got it through a Random Act of Kindness giveaway . And one of the bloggers I got to meet at BEA , loved it , and was so excited to get to see the author again . I just couldn 't get into it . And I tried , I read quite a ways in . Finally , I just had to decide to give up . I have so many books to read , so many that I 'm so excited about , and I just can 't spend too much time on reading something that doesn 't capture my attention . Now , I 'm not saying it is bad , just that I couldn 't get into it . I am giving the author another try with an egalley of her next book , The Archived . What book would you list for this question ? And hey , while you 're here , you 've only got until tomorrow , September 15th , at midnight to enter my September is for Sequels Challenge . Go HERE and see if it is something you 'd find a fun thing to do . I 'm behind on my goal of 8 books . I 'm only on my 3rd one right now . : - ( But most of my sequels seem to be so long ! But I set the minimum as 4 books , and I 'm guessing I 'll complete that for sure ! ( If you do decide to sign up , you can get the button that I made after I posted the start up post HERE . ) Hope to have more people join in and help me make my very first challenge a success ! ! Once again I am in love with Rick Riordan and his world of mythological creatures and demigods ! I put off reading this for so long because when his other new series , The Kane Chronicles , came out , I couldn 't wait to start reading it . And then , unfortunately , I was quite disappointed . And I love Egyptian mythology , so that was very sad to me . But the way the story was told , between the two characters , I had trouble sometimes remembering which person I was reading from their point of view . Which really made it hard to let the story take me away . But with this new Heroes of Olympus series , I was grabbed again and sucked back into the story , just like I was back with the Percy Jackson series . We have a new group of demigods in this story to follow around , but some of the old ones , as well as other characters are back . Of course we still have all the Greek gods , but we now learn about the Roman gods and how they relate to the Greek ones and demigods . Percy Jackson has disappeared , and at the same time a new demigod , Jason , has just shown up out of nowhere . Now , the kids he is dropped in with have all these memories as if they 've known him , but soon learn it is just the Mist messing with their memories . And of course , something is brewing , and there is a quest . The kids get to Camp Halfblood where it should be safe for them , but not without danger along the way ! There they meet Annabeth who is looking for Percy . One of our other new demigods is Piper , who is the daughter of a famous movie - star . What I like about this story is that we know kind of from the get - go that Piper may betray her friends . Her dad has been kidnapped , and she is being contacted by something evil . And this evil has said she must keep the quest from being successful if she wants to save her dad . The other of the three new ones is Leo , who is a son of Hephaestus . I have to say I just loved Leo . His character is so funny . I also felt him to be very relatable . He felt as if he was a nobody , that his friends had all the power . But he can withstand fire , and even create it ! And he is great with fixing things . I also love how his " type " of girl are the ones that are way out of his league and he knows are not attracted to him . Again , that seems to be my " type " of guy . He also has secrets he doesn 't want to share with his friends , and worries about whether he can help or if he 'll be causing the quest to fail . And finally we have our Jason . Jason can 't remember who he really is , but he seems to have a lot more memories of the Roman gods as opposed to the Greek ones . At Camp Halfblood , Chiron knows he is , and tells him he should be dead . But then won 't explain why ? Hera , or Juno in Roman mythology , comes to the demigods saying she needs their help in order to prevent another evil from taking over , even though the Titans were defeated before . And as the story goes on , we learn more and more about Jason , but in very small doses . We 're given just little tidbits that fill in some blanks , but still leave you hanging till the end to find out more . Some great new characters / gods in this book . I loved King Midas , he was funny , as well as Aeolus , also really amusing to read his part in the book . I 'm now so excited to go on with this series , and you 'd think as part of my " September is for Sequels Challenge " that I 'd read on in the series , but alas , I have other books on the list to get rid of . This does help me out in getting the current Truman nominees read , because I hadn 't read them all yet . But doesn 't help with the ones I need to help read for next year . View all my reviews Waiting on Wednesday is a weekly event hosted by Jill at Breaking the Spine where we spotlight upcoming releases that we 're eagerly awaiting . This week I 've chosen a book that I think almost everyone in the YA book blogging world is excited about , the sequel to Shatter Me by Tahereh Mafi , Unravel Me . You can read my review of the first one HERE . This was a book I gave 5 out of 5 stars . And the funny thing is that I had the ARC sitting around my house for a couple months , and whenever I went to pick a new book to read , I always passed it over , until the day I finally picked it up . And then , I was hooked ! Such a good book ! ! Here is the blurb about the sequel from Goodreads . com : tick , tick , tick , tick , tickit 's almosttime for war . Juliette has escaped to Omega Point . It is a place for people like her - people with gifts - and it is also the headquarters of the rebel resistance . She 's finally free from The Reestablishment , free from their plan to use her as a weapon , and free to love Adam . But Juliette will never be free from her lethal touch . Or from Warner , who wants Juliette more than she ever thought possible . In this exhilarating sequel to Shatter Me , Juliette has to make life - changing decisions between what she wants and what she thinks is right . Decisions that might involve choosing between her heart - and Adam 's life . The first was so good , and left me hanging to know what is next , I can 't wait to read on ! How about you ? What are you eagerly anticipating ? And in the same theme of how I 'm waiting on a sequel , if you are like me with plenty of sequels sitting around while you read the new series starters , join up with my September is for Sequels Challenge . You have until September 15th to join ! Second , I thought I 'd give you all a rundown of how I 'm doing on my own challenge so far ! Well , I 've got one book down , as you can see from my review I posted of Shadows by Ilsa J . Bick . My plan was to start with an adult book , One of our Thursdays is Missing by Jasper Fforde , as I got the NEXT book in the series as an ARC , and I 'm still behind . But I had trouble getting into it . It 's been a while since I 've read that series , and while it wasn 't completely boring , I just need to have time to read it , and not be trying to get through as many books as I can , so I 'm thinking over Christmas break maybe . Then I had an e - galley that expired on September 10th , yesterday , that I wasted a day on , soon figuring that I wasn 't going to be able to get through it . So now I am finishing up my 2nd actual book I 'm counting as part of my sequel challenge , The Lost Hero by Rick Riordan . While it is the first in his new series , it is kind of a sequel to the Percy Jackson series , so I 'm counting it . However , it is over 500 pages , so taking a long time ! Yikes ! Hope I can still get to my goal of 8 this month ! Plus , I 've got another e - galley that expires on Friday , hoping I get done with it quick when I finish my current book . And finally , every year I make up my TV schedule based on Entertainment Weekly 's Fall TV Preview Issue . I finally did it this week , it seems this issue comes out later every year ! It does seem as if I have less shows to watch this year though . Usually I have some days when I have recording on 2 - 3 channels straight from 7 - 10 pm . And it really looks like I won 't be giving too many new shows a chance this year . Hope that 's not a mistake , but we 'll see . What tv shows are you looking forward to ? Are there any new ones I haven 't listed that you think I should give a try ? I 'd love to hear from you ! This is one of the awesome ARCs I got at BEA this summer , and I was so excited to get it ! It turned out to be my first book on my September is for Sequels Challenge because the one I had decided to start I was having trouble really getting into . If I put a book down , and it isn 't hard to do , and then I 'm not thinking about when I can pick it back up and start again , then I know it 's not time to read it . I hope to go back to the other one soon , as it was a series I did really enjoy . But anyway , on with my review of this book ! I have to admit that it has been awhile since I read the first book , Ashes , since I got to read it as an e - galley from Netgalley before the book was actually published . But I remembered really liking it . Unfortunately , I was a little unclear on where it had ended , the whole ending in fact was a little fuzzy in my mind . So as I was reading this sequel I had to read every detail as it filled in my memory , without a whole " recap " sequence at the beginning . And while I 'm still going to go back and look through the end of the first one again , I eventually was able to remember pretty much what had happened , enough that I could get back into the story and just be grabbed . This was a huge roller coaster of a story ! We followed Alex , the girl from the first book that I remember the most about . And we also get to see what happened to Tom , who had been with Alex up until the gas station part in the last book , and that was all I remember for sure about Tom . And then we had Chris , who I thought I remembered something about , but now I realize I was confusing that with another book I read , I think . Like I said , I need to go back and read the end of the first one again . But in this book we are seeing where they all ended up after the big conclusions of the first book . Both Tom and Chris are kind of wanting to find Alex , especially Tom . But Alex gets captured by some of the Changed , or Chuckies as they are sometimes called by people in the book . And for some reason , they are keeping her alive . One of the ChucChris has finally found out what has been going on in Rule , yet his grandfather is using him as a scapegoat . And he must escape from Rule . And so he goes out to try to find what he can do to solve this issue . His way is not easy either . He is with Lena and also Nathan , who has been trying to help them escape when they get sent to the prison . Lena is feeling sick , actually thinks she might be pregnant from an encounter with Peter , who was lost in the big fiasco at the end of the first book . Or so we thought lost , he also gets part of the story in the book , when he is captured by one of the militia and basically being experimented on . Like I said , a roller coaster ride , full of nonstop action . The end , another cliffhanger , but man , now how will I wait till the next book ? ! Great sequel , if you haven 't read the series yet , you really need to try it out ! I mean , if I hadn 't been in school and had to work at my part time job last night , I 'd have finished this over 500 page book in 2 days probably ! Stacking The Shelves is all about sharing the books you are adding to your shelves , may it be physical or virtual . This means you can include books you buy in physical store or online , books you borrow from friends or the library , review books , gifts and of course ebooks ! This is being hosted by Tynga 's Reviews . I only have two books to share this week , but I was pretty excited to get them ! I got Eve and Adam by Michael Grant and Katherine Applegate . It was a contest I entered through Shelf Awareness newsletter from MacMillan publishing . And I was so excited to see it come in the mail ! Okay , let 's get to talking about last month . First let me wipe my forehead and say WHEW ! ! ! Posting something every day , especially when I was back to school and teaching , was a lot of work ! ! I 'm glad I did it . But , don 't expect me to keep it up while school is going on . I did really enjoy featuring my friends ' blogs . I hope I was able to get them some new followers . I also enjoyed giving away prizes , and was glad that I reached at least my 600 follower goal so that I bumped up the award amount on the Barnes and Noble gift card . I have decided to try hosting a challenge this month , so if you are interested in participating , it only requires that you pledge to read 4 books ( sequels ) to participate . And once again I 'll be giving away a Barnes and Noble gift card , but only to people who sign up to participate . If you want to help me be successful , you can sign up HERE and then go encourage your followers and blogger friends to come try it out too . I 'd love to make it a yearly event ! Unfortunately I 've also learned how far behind other bloggers I am , as I really wanted to make a button for the contest , and I even had an idea , but didn 't know how to make it . I need to learn more about Photoshop , and if I even have it on any computers I am able to use . Not to mention this past week or two Blogger has been really acting funny . I no longer have my comment link on the drop down menu on my Dashboard , which I loved to be able to go reply to all my comments without having to go back to all my posts to see which had comments . And I also can 't change any of the layout on my page , so the book that it says I 'm reading now I haven 't been reading for a couple weeks ! ! So I have thought about moving , but then , the money , and not knowing html , just all that scares me away . So , still dealing with that kind of stuff too . Okay , enough whining from me ! Thanks to all of you who stopped by and helped make my month long blogoversary celebration a good one ! I 'm so glad for all my followers . And now , onto the list of winners for the contests tThe winner of my Featured Blogger The Confounded Cook - City of Bones by Cassandra Clare is : Lacey T . I have contacted and heard back from her , so her book will be shipped from The Book Depository this week . And the winner of my month long 3rd Blogoversary Celebration for a $ 40 gift card to Barnes and Noble is : Erika Anderson Williams ! She has also been contacted and I 've heard back from her . Her gift card will also be in the mail this week . |
Today I 'm grateful for Ba and Julia . My two best friends . I love being able to come and visit them in person . I just wish we were closer ! Today I am grateful for optometrists . I have needed glasses since the 7th grade and am at this point fairly blind without them . Thank goodness glasses correct my sight and make it possible to write , to read , to see the things around me ! Suddenly Sunday indeed , and suddenly just two days left on my visit - I go home on Tuesday . So I will be out of pocket once we head out to the airport - it 's two flights with a three hour layover in Chicago . I suspect I shall collapse onto my bed once I get home . I 've made a graphic for my smutty advent posts this year . Only a few days before it starts , are you ready ? I 'm not ! grins I have prizes , and I 'll be featuring Christmas books and fun holiday themed links and stuff , but I haven 't given any thought to what goes when or started making posts . I guess I 'm going to do a lot of winging it ! Way ' ra Bernard is only twenty years old when his parents kick him out of the house . He has been brought up to believe being gay is wrong and he is going to go to hell for it . He tried very hard not to be gay but couldn 't change the way he felt . Now he 's living furtively in a closet on the third floor of the place he 's working as a janitor - the Iron Eagle Gym . Neal McPherson is an unattached Dom in his midtwenties and a member of the gym . One evening after working out , he notices Way ' ra on the stairs and he 's immediately attracted and intrigued , so he asks Way ' ra out . Unable to come up with a reason to refuse and also interested in Neal , Way ' ra accepts . " I meant with all of it . Taking off each other 's clothes can be fun , sensual . " Neal grabbed the heel of his boot in one hand , his calf in the other , and tugged the footwear right off . " Ah . I get that , I guess . It 's kind of how we grew up , right ? " Neal helped him get his other shoe off . " But it doesn 't have to be that way . We can make it a bright , sunshiney thing . " " Mmm . " Neal moved to stroke his nipples , and they began to harden , to firm up and ache . Neal took one beneath his fingers , pinching lightly . " I want you to do whatever you want to . There 's no tit for … well , tit here . " Neal laughed , looking pleased with himself . Neal chuckled softly " Thank you . I admit , I was going for getting you naked so we could have that shower together . I 'm too gross to make love until we 're wet and I 've gotten rid of this sweat . " Today I am grateful for my dog . His name is Bacon and he is a beagle / boston terrier mix and he 's adorable . I miss him a lot , but he 'll be very excited to see me late Tuesday evening . Way ' ra Bernard is only twenty years old when his parents kick him out of the house . He has been brought up to believe being gay is wrong and he is going to go to hell for it . He tried very hard not to be gay but couldn 't change the way he felt . Now he 's living furtively in a closet on the third floor of the place he 's working as a janitor - the Iron Eagle Gym . Neal McPherson is an unattached Dom in his midtwenties and a member of the gym . One evening after working out , he notices Way ' ra on the stairs and he 's immediately attracted and intrigued , so he asks Way ' ra out . Unable to come up with a reason to refuse and also interested in Neal , Way ' ra accepts . So this was it . The last date . A nice coffee , a treat , a handshake , and then he 'd go find a place in the park to hang out at until five , when he 'd sneak back into the gym . He wished it wasn 't so . Neal was … well , there wasn 't a thing about Neal he didn 't like . Kind , good - looking , smart , friendly , funny . Those blue eyes … . Right , and you 're a stupid kid with nothing . Seriously . No phone . No future . No schooling . You 're a janitor . Maybe in a year , when you have an apartment , a bed , maybe then you can make friends . Not now . When he was pretty sure it was close to seven , he went to the Timmies on the corner from the gym and went in . Neal was already there , lounging in a chair and reading a paper . The sunlight glinted off his skin , making it shine . He waved , tucking the book in his waistband so he could hide the little stain there , and headed in . " Good morning . What kind of doughnut do you like ? " " Well , since they don 't make that square one with the raisins anymore , I 'm going to go with the honey cruller , please . And I 've already got my coffee . " Neal raised his cup . " I was a bit early and figured you 'd like me better if I already had the caffeine in my system . Also , good morning , Way . It 's nice to see you . " " Thank you . Good morning . Let me get our breakfast . I 'm starving . " He hurried to the counter and ordered two crullers and his coffee , loading it with sugar and creamer . When he got back to the table , Neal had put aside the paper and was focused on him . Like , really focused - he could feel Neal 's gaze , almost like it was a touch . It made him feel … fluttery inside . " I 've worked out . A lot . " Neal chuckled and shook his head . " Anyway , I get to go back home this afternoon . Well , I went back yesterday afternoon and the place reeked of whatever crap they used . So I opened windows and stuff and am hoping to be able to move back in today . What about your ? " Neal sounded genuinely interested when he asked , not like he was just being polite . " It was fine , thank you . " He had an easy time of it on the weekends . He only had to work a few hours , and he spent the rest of his day reading in the closet . " Cool . So what are you reading ? " Neal asked . " I noticed you had a book tucked into your pants . I like a man who carries his entertainment with him . " " Oh , those are fun . Nice long reads too . " Neal grabbed his doughnut and took a bite , humming a bit . " God , I love the sugary glaze on these . " Most of my publisher are having Black Friday sales on ! And the best part is that you don 't have to leave the house . All Romance - - 25 % off many titles - all my self - pubs and all of my ARE published titles included ! Here are my books . Changeling Press - - Use the discount code CyberSale2016 and take 15 % off your entire order - - as many books as you can stuff in your cart . Good now till the end of Cyber Monday . My Changeling Press books are here . Today I am grateful for clean air . I have allergies and asthma . Smoke and various other pollutants really bother me and get me all congested . So I really do appreciate clean , fresh air . I have had several requests , so these are the wonderful triple lemon cupcakes I made at the end of October that everyone loved . I got the recipe here . My mouth is puckering in anticipation - I 'll have to make these again when I get home . Add melted butter to a large bowl and mix in sugar with a hand mixer for 30 seconds , until thick and yellow . Add eggs one at at time , beating after each addition . Beat in vanilla extract , lemon juice , and zest . Add the flour mixture and milk alternately , starting and ending with the flour . Don 't over mix ! Divide batter among liners , filling 2 / 3 full ( about 1 / 4 cup of batter per cupcake ) . Bake for 13 - 18 minutes until a toothpick comes out clean . ( Mine took about 14 minutes . ) Cool completely before frosting . To fill : cut out a small bit of the top / center of the cupcake . ( Cut a hole that 's about the size of a dime and the amount of cupcake you take out is a little larger than a marble . ) Fill each hole with about 1 / 2 - 1 tablespoon of lemon curd . I dug out right to almost the bottom of the cupcake , for lo , extra lemony goodness is delicious , then I saved just the top bit of the cut out part and put it back on the top of the filing so it didn 't look like there was a hole Beat in lemon juice and zest . Add 1 tablespoon of heavy whipping cream and mix until smooth . Add more cream as needed for desired consistency . Frosting can be made up to 2 days ahead and stored in the refrigerator . Make sure to let it come to room temperature before using . Frost cupcakes by placing frosting in a pastry bag . I like the 1M tip , it gives pretty swirls . Add extra lemon zest for decoration , if desired . I love thunder and lightning and big rain . I also love a good winter blizzard . Both from a warm dry place , of course . That definitely makes a difference ! But it 's amazing to watch nature just letting loose . Lance Packet just got a contract to shoot an erotic BDSM deck of cards ; the only problem is finding models . So far everyone he 's interviewed thinks he 's looking for sex for hire . Then in walk three perfect examples of men : Tide and his friends , Tyrone and Bran . Tide Germaine is a model and a Dom . He and his best friend Tyrone opened The Iron Eagle Gym as a place for gay men in the lifestyle to work out , do scenes , and congregate with like - minded men . The modeling is just another job for Tide , but it soon turns into a grand seduction as Tide falls for the shy , self - conscious photographer . The problem is Lance doesn 't believe he 's in Tide 's league , and he 's not at all sure about the Dom and sub thing . Time is definitely zooming by , like seriously eek . It goes fast the rest of the year too , but it always speeds up when I 'm on holiday - having such a good time I don 't notice the passage of time , I guess . And I know I 'm repeating myself , but it 's seriously crazy how fast it is going that it bears repeating . It 's rainy , but still warmish here . Back home it is hovering around freezing and snowing slowly . I wonder if it 'll warm back up or if the snow will stick around until I get home . I do love the snow , so I 'd like it to still be there . Or at least to start falling again once I land . The landscape here is so different compared to home . Even when we were in near drought conditions over the summer and the grass had all gone brown , there were lots of tress and flowers - it was still quite green . And now that it 's late fall , before the snow comes , the grass is still green as well . Here it 's much more shades of brown , beige and tan as it 's desert . The world really is a fascinating place . Time is going far too fast - it always does when I come to New Mexico for Thanksgiving . But I really wish it would go slower at the moment . Maybe just a little bubble over us . I have a very busy December coming up , between book releases and Smutty Advent , which I 'm going to be doing differently this year . I just didn 't have time to do snippets for every day like I have done in the past , so instead there will be content every day - smutty excerpts from holiday books , lots of giveaways and physical prizes . Sort of like a mash - up of Halloweenpalooza and the Smutty Advents of the past . When his mam gets sick , Bene D ' Ami 's brother Malif sells his services to two different men to earn the money they need to make her better . When both of Malif 's markers are called in at the same time , Bene must step in and fulfill one of the contracts . He arrives at the Velvet Glove an innocent who would rather still be in university with his books than at the pleasure club . For his part , Master Dumont Westingcoat just wants to have a boy who will pleasure him and who he can whip on a regular basis . He 's shocked and somewhat dismayed when he discovers that his new boy is actually completely untried , and not the experienced lifetime sub he 's paid for . How can he continue on knowing he 's been duped ? Two men come into their lives to help build a bridge between Dumont and Bene . Tupo is a Glove submissive who is happy to serve . He comes to live with Bene and Dumont until he has taught Bene all he needs to know to be the consummate sub . Meanwhile , Dumont turns to his neighbor , fellow master , Gregori , for companionship and advice . They shifted as one , Greg leaning against him so they could meet , full - bodied . Dumont gasped , the sensation of the heavy body on his own different , surprising , intoxicating . Delicious . He brought their mouths back together as he considered heading for the couch in the middle of the room . Greg took the glass from his hand and inclined his chin toward the couch . " Shall we ? " " Yes . " He followed Greg to the couch , smiling as the man put down their cocktails on the side table . He reached out and touched Greg 's hand , tugging him down . It made him wonder why they 'd never done this before . " Hello … " Their gazes held for a long moment , and then he pushed their lips together , kissing Greg again . This time he had control of it . He ran one hand up along Greg 's stacked chest , squeezing one firm pectoral . Delicious . His cock was responding nicely to their touching and kissing , hardening right up . He brought their mouths back together again , wanting that lovely sensation too . They managed the kiss more easily , trading opportunities to explore , to press in . He grabbed hold of Greg 's tongue and sucked on it gently , and Greg squeezed their cocks . He was going to come . Just from kisses and a hand job . He couldn 't remember the last time that had happened . He thought he liked it . A lot . Greg hummed , backed off a bit and nibbled his bottom lip , then pushed back in to deepen the kiss . He liked it , and he slid his tongue along Greg 's , a full participant in the kiss . He felt a little buzzed - okay , more than a little , if he was honest . Groaning , he pressed back into Greg 's hand . That easy strength was intoxicating , he had to admit . More than that , there was an innate respect for him as another Dom . It felt surprisingly arousing . Greg squeezed his ass convulsively , fingertips digging in . Dumont enjoyed the sensations and the thought he might have bruises in the morning . Souvenirs . Reminders of a lovely evening . Their kisses grew teeth , became more passionate as their touches drew them closer to orgasm . Greg was deliciously vocal , grunting and groaning , not holding anything back . He offered his own sounds in return , his body alight , Greg like a flame he couldn 't stay away from . When his mam gets sick , Bene D ' Ami 's brother Malif sells his services to two different men to earn the money they need to make her better . When both of Malif 's markers are called in at the same time , Bene must step in and fulfill one of the contracts . He arrives at the Velvet Glove an innocent who would rather still be in university with his books than at the pleasure club . For his part , Master Dumont Westingcoat just wants to have a boy who will pleasure him and who he can whip on a regular basis . He 's shocked and somewhat dismayed when he discovers that his new boy is actually completely untried , and not the experienced lifetime sub he 's paid for . How can he continue on knowing he 's been duped ? Two men come into their lives to help build a bridge between Dumont and Bene . Tupo is a Glove submissive who is happy to serve . He comes to live with Bene and Dumont until he has taught Bene all he needs to know to be the consummate sub . Meanwhile , Dumont turns to his neighbor , fellow master , Gregori , for companionship and advice . " All I 'm going to do is make you feel good . Is that okay , D ' Ami ? I 'm going to make you feel so good . " When Tupo had licked every part of Bene 's cock , he took the head into his mouth and sucked very gently . It felt incredible . He couldn 't believe what he was feeling , how his balls drew up tight . Then Tupo sucked hard and he didn 't have a choice anymore . He came , crying out over and over as he filled Tupo 's mouth . Tupo swallowed his come , throat working , proving that he wanted to get every drop . One question I am asked more than any other is what happened to the original Velvet Glove , well , if you check out Velvet Blade - it 's all in there . You can get all 21 of the previous Velvet Glove books on sale for 25 % off on All Romance Ebooks until the end of November . Velvet Quartet is also on sale for 25 % off . When his mam gets sick , Bene D ' Ami 's brother Malif sells his services to two different men to earn the money they need to make her better . When both of Malif 's markers are called in at the same time , Bene must step in and fulfill one of the contracts . He arrives at the Velvet Glove an innocent who would rather still be in university with his books than at the pleasure club . For his part , Master Dumont Westingcoat just wants to have a boy who will pleasure him and who he can whip on a regular basis . He 's shocked and somewhat dismayed when he discovers that his new boy is actually completely untried , and not the experienced lifetime sub he 's paid for . How can he continue on knowing he 's been duped ? Two men come into their lives to help build a bridge between Dumont and Bene . Tupo is a Glove submissive who is happy to serve . He comes to live with Bene and Dumont until he has taught Bene all he needs to know to be the consummate sub . Meanwhile , Dumont turns to his neighbor , fellow master , Gregori , for companionship and advice . Can these four men become something more than two masters and two subs who must figure out how to work together ? Find out in the newest addition to the Velvet Glove world . Buy Links : He couldn 't . Malif had been wrong . This was a terrible mistake and he couldn 't do this . He couldn 't walk up to this huge , shining building and tell them he was there to belong to another man to be used for five full cycles . Mam was so sick , though , and Malif had sold his own favors . To two men at the same time . No one had imagined both men would call in their markers at the same time . " Of course you can , Bene . You look just like me . Enough to pass anyway . It 's not like we can pay the money back , and if I get sent to jail for fraud , we 'll lose the money I 'm making , too . " Malif leaned close to the comm camera . " It 's only five cycles . I know you can do this . You might even enjoy it ! " " I 'm sorry , Bene . I am . I had to do it for Mam . I never thought they 'd both call in their markers at the same time . Never . " " You aren 't . I took that job . You 'll be someone 's pet . One person . One man . That 's it . " " You 're special in your own right , Bene . Besides , he doesn 't know me , he 's only seen holos of me , and we 're always being mistaken for each other , so that 's not going to be a problem . Please , Bene . For Mam . " Malif 's eyes narrowed . " I told you what happened , and Mam is alive because I brought in the money to pay for her operations . I 'm very sorry you don 't get to spend the rest of your life buried in those books and without any responsibilities , but that 's tough . You 're going to be fine . Just go to the desk and tell them that you 're Malif D ' Ami for Dumont Westingcoat . And bam , you 're as good as gold . Just do it already . " With that , the comm went dark . " But I 'm not . I 'm not Malif . My name is Bene . " He felt his cheeks begin to burn . " My name is Bene D ' Ami . Dammit . " He looked up at the building that housed the Velvet Glove , where he was meant to go meet his … his master for the next five cycles . It rose up toward the sky , towering over the rest of the buildings , the glass and steel it was made of the most incredible lilacs , mauves , and purples . It was both beautiful and imposing . " Ah yes , he left a note that he was expecting you . We 'll get you checked in . You 'll have slave access to the building and to his suites . " " Your master will come down to get you and he 'll take care of you . " The guy looked at the comm unit . " You 're in the system now . Good . We have everything we need except for your safeword . " " Safeword . " He 'd read about this , but he didn 't want to have to have one . " Right . It 's emerald . " His favorite color . " Emerald . Got it . And now that 's registered . I 'll let Master Westingcoat know you 're here . Do you have any luggage with you ? " He went in past the second set of doors , and the man came around to hand him a glass full of clear liquid . " Go sit on one of the benches . I 'm sure your master will be here soon . " " Thank you . You 're very kind . " He carried the water carefully , going to sit on a bench and trying to make himself as small as possible . The water was indeed real water and tasted like no water he 'd ever had the pleasure to drink before . And it was clear ! Absolutely clear . It was sweet , cold , and lovely . He wondered if Malif had this where he was . A shadow fell over him and he looked up . The man standing over him was stunning . He was tall , with broad shoulders , a handsome face , and the greenest eyes Bene had ever seen . Imagine his surprise when Dove appears at his hotel door . After all , they don 't do this during the season . Is Dove changing the rules ? And if so , can Mac follow ? " I 'm not doing this . " They didn 't do this on the road . There was too fucking much to lose , too much to risk . He pushed back , fighting Dove 's strength , making Dove work for it . They hadn 't called him in for innings . They thought he was fucking washed up . He 'd shown them washed up , pitching a fucking no - hitter in his innings . He 'd show Dove washed up , too , fight that fine fucking son - of - a - bitch for it . Dove grunted , hands leaving his shirt collar . One wrapped around the back of his head , the other grabbed hold of his ass , hard . He could feel that heavy club of a cock , grinding against him , making promises that Dove kept , over and over . Dove covered him , taller and broader . The fucking bastard made him feel small , and he wasn 't . One big hand tore open his shirt and those hot lips moved to his right shoulder , teeth digging in . The next thing he knew , Dove was dragging him to the mattress and tossing him onto it like he was a featherweight . The tight t - shirt was ripped off , baring Dove 's dark skin , his amazing six - pack . Dove undid his belt next , not dawdling , but moving slowly enough it was a show . A tease . Pistol loves nothing more than the adrenaline rush of riding broncs ; well , almost nothing . He loves Bender the most . Injured and tired and not sure if he 's going to be able to ever ride again , Pistol comes home from the rodeo circuit , just hoping that Bender will welcome him with open arms after yet another long absence . Bender grabbed the collar of his shirt , shifting him and slamming him up against his truck . All those long , lean muscles pressed up against him . He wrapped his good arm around his lover , his legs , clinging like a fucking leech . His prick pushed out of his open jeans and Bender wrapped a hand around him , palm calloused , fingers strong as they gripped him . He hadn 't felt that touch in months , and he drove into it , his belly muscles burning like he was riding . He supposed he was , riding the sweetest fucking ride of his life . Rough , constant , just like he liked it . Bender knew what he needed . Fuck . He arched , balls aching as he gave it up , just like that . Boom . I have to get up at 4am on Wednesday morning to be at the airport for 4 : 30 . Anyone who knows me , knows that I am not a 4am type of person . I 've done it before , though , and once I 'm through ticketing , security and customs , I can sit at my gate and doze . I usually sleep most of the first flight as well . The second half is longer , but it 's filled with the excitement of knowing I 'll be there soon . There 's something wrong with my beta fish . He spends most of his time sitting at the bottom of his little tank . Then every now and then he goes zipping around like made for 45 seconds or so , then he settles again . he doesn 't come up to eat when I feed him . The dog on the other hand , is keeping me company the same way he has since I got him , curled up in the seat next to me , sleeping . He snores more now than he did as a pup and it makes me grin every time he does . He 's an old dog at this point ( eight and his breed 's lifespan is 8 - 12 years ) and now that it 's colder and there 's less beasties outside , I suspect he 'll be sleeping a lot more . He 's always been way more cuddly during the winter . It 's already Sunday . It 's already November 13 . I can hardly believe that in 3 days I will be on my way to New Mexico to spend Thanksgiving with BA and Julia . Time has just flown . And of course the last few days and the next three days seem super busy as I try to wrap up as much as I can and get ready to go . I have all three of my upcoming self - pubs with my editor ( I am working her hard this month ! ) Velvet Quartet is back for a second round of edits , and should be out in the next week or so . Look for Twas the Night Before Christmas , Hammer Style on December 1 and Making it Work , the new mannies book on December 15 . Then there 's Add Love and Mix , which is coming out at the end of December ( and will be up for pre - order at the end of November ) from Dreamspinner . It 's got a firefighter , and EMT , and a surprise ! six year old daughter . I can 't wait to tell you more about it and share the sexy cover ! Changeling Press has put my Rose and Thorne series into a " box set . " You can now get all four books in one download for a great price ! If you haven 't had a chance to read this series yet , now 's the best time to do it . Apparently Rose is just too big and scary to be a bouncer at the local club . He 's considering going back into competitive bodybuilding when he meets Thorne . Short , slender and covered in ink , Thorne knows from the moment they meet Rose is the one . Rose has been brought up to think things like spanking during sex are weird . Will Thorne be able to convince him whatever gets them off together is perfectly normal for them ? And if he does , will Rose be able to take the next step - - calling Thorne Sir ? Yesterday I was grateful for community caring . I was at a fundraising dinner for a community charity . There was an amazing meal , donated by a caterer who had been a refugee and needed help herself not all that long ago , silent auctions and a long table of donated items for sale . The hall was full . Today I am grateful for the cold . I love the cold weather . It is so much easier to put on more clothing or a blanket , but when it 's hot , there 's only so far you can strip down . Once you hit skin , you 're done . As most of you know , I tend not to talk politics or other serious topics like that very often - I try very hard to keep my blog / facebook / twitter places of positivity . I 'm all about the smut and the love and the happy endings . It feels wrong to just ignore what 's happened , though , and not say anything . I am blessed to be Canadian , to live in a country where in the last election we voted in the guy who wanted to make Canada better , who said we can be better , we can move forward together without fearmongering and backstabbing . We voted in the guy who called up the leader of the opposition to give a joint press conference after the Orlando shooting where they kissed to show their support for the victims and the community . These two guys don 't even like each other , but both felt it was an important statement to make . I have been watching what felt like a circus going on south of my border and every day I said to myself , surely the hate isn 't going to win . Surely the lies and hatemongering will not be rewarded . Everyone will see that for what it is and steer clear . Surely they will - they must . Then I watched the numbers coming in last night with disbelief and dismay like many other people . I still can 't really believe it . I don 't understand how anyone could have made the decision they did . I know there 's nothing I can do about it . What I can do is continue to spread love and positivity . I can wish every person reading this , every minority and every non - minority , my compassion and my hope that things will change again and swiftly , that the hate will be defeated and everyone will share the same rights under the law and in practice . I want to hug every single person who is reeling from this and tell them that I am with them . Because I am . I am with you . I support love . I support co - operation and change that brings better to every person . I want to live in a world where we worry more about how to house and feed the kid who has been kicked out than how much money and influence we ourselves have . I want to live in a world where instead of putting up walls because someone is different , we invite them in for dinner and learn about them . I want to live in a world where love of every color and variety is celebrated because it 's love ! I want the world to be a better place for you and for me . For everyone . I want love and happy endings for all . Thank you so much to everyone who participated in Halloweenpalooza ! I had a blast doing it ! These are the winners for the last few days of Halloweenpalooza and this closes it out . Today I am grateful for editors . I don 't like editing ( mostly because it takes time out from when I could be writing ) , but that doesn 't mean I 'm not grateful for those people who help make the books cleaner , smoother , better . I 'm especially grateful for the editors who I 've worked with for a while , who I know are aware of my problem areas and I know will catch my goofy mistakes and any continuity problems . Man , it sure does feel like a Monday today , too . I have all this stuff to do and am feeling distinctly unorganized about it . Doesn 't help I 'm doing that rabbiting thing where I can 't focus on anything and just jump from thing to thing to thing . However , there are good things about today - it 's the second to last Monday before I go to New Mexico for my annual Thanksgiving visit . I am so looking forward to it and crossing my fingers for no problems on the flights down - last year we were delayed landing in Chicago and my flight from there to New Mexico had been cancelled and I wound up flying through Denver and everything was late and full and I finally did make it , but I usually get in at noon and it was almost ten pm instead ! Had troubles coming home , too last trip . Hopefully that used up my bad flight karma for the foreseeable . It 's all totally worth it , though . I have some great newself - pubbed books coming - a new Velvet Glove is in the middle of edits and should be out mid - month , a new short novella featuring a bunch of the Hammer guys celebrating Christmas will be out early December , and then there 's a new Mannies book I 'm about to send to editing . I just need to come up with a title for it . Titles are so hard ! Today I am grateful for my big comfy chair . I relax in it , I work in it , it 's very comfy and it 's fairly big . Sean Stephen and Jack play a lot . These long - time lovers are constantly testing boundaries , fighting a delicious battle for control . When they meet young waiter Benji , they 're both intrigued . Such innocence doesn 't come along often and they decide Benji is the best thing on the menu . Benji feels like he 's in over his head with this sophisticated pair , but it might be Stephen 's musical and artistic temperament that makes three a crowd . Can Jack and Stephen hit just the right note ? Or will Benji end up out in the cold ? He 'd managed to lose a sizeable chunk of someone else 's money and , damn it , that made him cranky . It didn 't matter if the client had insisted on buying the damned stock - if he 'd done his job right , he could have made lemonade somehow , at least controlled the damage , but no . Several million down the tubes . He hummed , moving to settle his hands on Stephen 's waist . It was hard to stay in a bad mood when the scent of your lover filled your nose . He made a show of it , raising his head a little , sniffing the air . His cock was hard , aching , need like a drum at the back of his head , beating low and fast . He started to hump , pushing Stephen hard against the wall with each push . God , he wanted it . Hot and hard and fast , then hot and slow and intense . Jack stroked his thumb across the tips of their cocks , nail dragging over the sensitive flesh . A sharp cry pushed into his mouth , Stephen arching against him . He did it again , the pain going up his spine , settling in his balls as tight , hot need . Stephen relaxed , nuzzling his neck , nipping and licking . He moaned , tugging Stephen 's shirt off and working his lover 's pants down . " Wanna tie you to the bed and fuck you blind . " Today I 'm grateful for the summer . Yes , you read that right . I 'm grateful for the beauty in nature that summer brings , and I 'm grateful for the fact that once it 's over , I so enjoy the cooler fall weather , and being able to wear a hoodie . Much as I love the cooler and cold weather , they wouldn 't be as wonderful without the contrasting heat from the summer . Have you gotten your entries in for the last few Halloweenpalooza contests ? I pull winners after midnight tonight and then Halloweenpalooza is officially over . Had a blip of warmer weather , but thankfully that only lasted a few days and we are now going back to cooler . Love me some Fall . ( Yes , I love me some Winter even more , but Fall is such a nice change from Summer ) Today I 'm grateful for electricity . No seriously . This is something I totally take for granted 99 . 99 % of the time . Then there 's the 0 . 01 % when the power goes out and suddenly I realize just how much of my life is electricity dependent . Everything from keeping food cold , to being able to cook it , to the majority of my entertainment . Even reading needs lights evening and night time . This morning there was a brown - out . I 've never been through a brown - out before . None of the electronics worked , no TV , no stove , fridge , etc . and the lights worked , but only at about half power . It was the weirdest thing . All the street lights were sort of lit up when I took the dog out , but the traffic lights were not working . Luckily by the time I got back with the dog , the power had been fixed . But it reminded me that yeah , I am totally grateful for electricity - it definitely enriches my life big time . It 's been a year and three quarters since I put up my first self - pubbed title . At that time it was just to get a few of my by then out of print titles back up and available . But then I suddenly had all the rights back to all my books from two different publishers and I 'm so glad I already had the self - pubbing going and had contacts for covers and editing and file formatting , etc . When Palin sees vala Tigre in one of his mindreading forays , he knows he has to have him , despite the fact that the man has been created for two purposes ; fighting and pleasure . Together they build a new life , one of pleasure and pain , of love and discipline . When life threatens to tear them apart , they fight to keep the home they 've created , even if the obstacles they must overcome are within as much as without . " Oh . Y - yes , Tigre . M - more . " The Eiba 's mouth opened slightly , the breath that warmed his own lips was sweet . He was very careful , gentle , touching the inside of the Eiba 's mouth with his tongue . The Eiba whimpered , melted against him . He wasn 't sure what to do , so he simply held , pretended they were in the bath and that this was easy . The Eiba 's tongue came out and met his , soft and gentle , warm . It made him shiver , but he opened , gave the Eiba his mouth , his heat . The Eiba moaned and he could feel the heat of the Eiba 's need grow and press against his thigh through the pants the Eiba wore . Beneath it the Eiba was slender , but not skinny . He knew there were muscles there - - the whipping had been hard , well - done . He put the shirt aside , then knelt to remove shoes and pants , his own braid heavy against his back . The Eiba 's hands slid over his shoulders , touching him as the Eiba 's breath grew stronger , came quicker . He breathed in deep , the smell of need familiar , strong . A soft cry filled the air , fingers sliding into his hair as he pulled the salt and sweet taste in . So gentle , compared to the others , so sweet . It confused him , made him shudder . " Oh . Y - yes . Yes . " Another whimper and the Eiba was looking at him , eyes hot on where his mouth was wrapped around the Eiba 's cock . Yes . Heat flooded him , the praise sweet , perfect . The Eiba 's fingers slid on his cheek , traced his lips where they stretched around the Eiba 's cock . The Eiba 's hips moved faster , pushing the hard cock into his mouth over and over . It was easy to let the Eiba in , let himself be taken . The Eiba frowned for a moment . " Oh ! N - no , I d - did n - not say n - no n - noise . " Another tug came to the chain , the fingers around his cock continued to stroke . Another moan broke free , his cock harder than ever . The Eiba nodded . " I w - want to h - hear . " The chain was tugged this time , harder , the Eiba 's lips pressing against his again . He rocked , trusting the Eiba to tell him when to stop , when to still . The hand around his cock tightened , moved with faster and faster strokes . A finger slid across the tip , sliding liquid down over his shaft . The Eiba nodded , smiled . " Y - you 're welcome . " Then the Eiba stood and held out a hand . " C - come . W - we eat . " |
We spoke with Doug last night . The surgery to remove his brain tumor is scheduled today at noon in LA . He has been on a large dose of a super steroid , which also has totally cured his psoriasis , and his first question to me was , " How have you lived on this stuff for ten years ? " All his pains are gone . He has boundless energy . He feels like " king of the world . " I warned him not to start ironing their sheets as it feels so good that after he is off the drug , he will still want his sheets ironed . I learned that the tumor has been in his brain a long time and is just now causing vertigo . It is behind the left ear in the brain . Oddly enough , the vertigo goes away when he is in the pool and when he drinks beer . Hopefully , it will be gone for good after the surgery . We both commiserated about being in ICU . He had been there for 24 - hours during the diagnosis process and we joked about having to get out of there in order to get some rest . He will again be spending some time in there today and tomorrow . It was the perfect weekend . I hardly left the house . Quiet . Restful . We even had a nice surprise visit from British Don mid - Sunday afternoon . We also wandered out in the car for lunch yesterday but that was it . Today , the plan is to workout at the other rehab , a visit to the butcher 's , mom 's and Trader Joe 's . It should be a rather quiet , lazy summer day . We also received the new water restrictions due to the ongoing drought . The list includes no watering between 8 : 00AM - 6 : 00PM , watering allowed for a maximum of 15 minutes on specific days according to addresses , no fountains , no cleaning driveways or walkways . You get the idea . Because of my drought - resistance lawn , I only need 10 minutes a week . It has survived two other droughts . Simple foods for the week . Tonight features a fantastic fish and shiitake mushrooms . These recipes are for those of us who are on immunosuppressant therapy . We just don 't process food properly . The focus is protein and non - starchy veggies . On Tuesday , waiting for my pulmonary rehab class to begin , I spoke with Ron for the first time since his lung transplants . He had been working out in our class while waiting for the call . Though he is over 60 - years old , he received two lungs . It is a tougher surgery than a single lung transplant but usually a better result . I learned from him that my university hospital is now trying to primarily perform double lung transplants to those strong enough for the surgery , regardless of their age . He is a slight , shorter man and clearly in good shape , having been working out in pulmonary rehab for years . We were able to have a quick chat . He only waited two months for the lungs , spent only 10 days in the hospital and was just 3 - weeks post - op . AMAZING ! He looked fantastic , pink and happy . He said his was a textbook case as he had not one problem during the entire process . He gave me such hope and confidence as I face the possibility of transplants . I have seen such bad outcomes just before and after transplants that I was beginning to believe no one made it past the first year . He will and I will be cheering him on . This article is from the blog of Dr . Jeff Swigris of National Jewish Hospital in Denver . It explains the many causes of our cough , the pulmonary fibrosis cough . Mine is usually from not having enough prednisone or if my O2 is too low . It is a fascinating article . Please take the time to read it : Hi gang ! I hope everyone is settling nicely into 2014 . In this blog , I 'm going to discuss cough - what it is , why it occurs in patients with PF and what we might be able to do about cough in those PF patients plagued by this annoying symptom . Here 's another look at the larynx , including a view from above ( on the RIGHT ) . Remember that little guy with the blue visual field that I used in one of my previous blogs when discussing how we view CAT scans ? Well , he 's back . The whitish things that make an UPSIDE DOWN " v " inside the circle are the vocal cords . They sit like a little door ( more like a double sliding glass door ) at the top of the windpipe ( trachea ) . The opening between the vocal cords is called the glottis . If you go through the glottis , you 're inside the windpipe ( trachea ) . When we breathe ( IN or OUT ) , the vocal cords are open to allow air to pass . Our voices come from air flowing up out of the lungs , through the windpipe , and between the vocal cords ( i . e . , through the open glottis ) . The pitch and tone of our voice depends on , and varies with , the length and tension of the vocal cords , which alters the size and shape of the glottis . All of this is important to understanding cough . Here 's what happens in a normal cough ; there are four events : 1 ) deep inspiration ( glottis is open to allow air in the lungs ) . This deepinspiration serves 3 purposes : a ) it dilates the airwaysb ) it stretches the muscles used in exhalationc ) it fills the lungs with air2 ) glottis closes ( that is , the vocal cords come together to close theopening to the windpipe ) and expiration begins ( against the closedvocal cords ) . This causes pressure to build inside the chest . 3 ) the glottis is exploded open and air is expelled as the inflated lungsand stretched expiratory muscles RECOIL from theirstretched / expanded status . 4 ) a recovery phase marked by another deep inspiration . It seems like I say " this is really complex " whenever I 'm talking about things related to the human body … and I 'm going to have to say it again : cough is a really complex thing . There are receptors for cough all over the place , including in and around the larynx ( voice box ) , the windpipe and other large airways and even the EARDRUM and EAR CANAL ( have you ever triggered a cough when cleaning your ear canal with a Q - tip ? … don 't do it now … you should never put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear canal ) . Anyway , these various receptors can trigger cough when exposed to any number of mechanical or chemical stimuli ( i . e . , when they are touched by anything or when certain chemicals come in contact with them ) . Do you know the # 1 reason why patients with PF cough ? Like the rest of us , the # 1 reason why patients with PF cough is postnasal drip . How so ? Mucus from the nasal passages and / or sinuses drips down onto the soft palate then down the back of the throat toward the voice box . Remember , the body wants to protect the windpipe by expelling anything other than air that gets close … so , when the mucus gets down there close to the voice box ( or on it in many cases ) , a cough is triggered . See the green mucus I 've added to the image ? Another reason why patients with PF might cough is GERD or the reflux of gas / acid / other liquid ( alkaline ) / food into the esophagus from the stomach . Because of a feedback loop ( from esophagus to airways ) , all that is needed to trigger a cough is stuff coming up out of the stomach and hitting the lower esophagus … that 's it . Most people don 't even know this is going on … it can be entirely asymptomatic ( except for the cough ) . Here 's how it is believed to work … … the stuff in the stomach ( red ) is supposed to stay down in the stomach , but it sloshes up into the esophagus . The esophagus is not made to withstand being bathed in that stuff , and it knows it , so it sounds the alarm ( lightning bolt ) . The alarm is picked up by the ( no one is sure but maybe the ) brain or spinal cord , which then sends a message to the windpipe and airway to MAKE A COUGH . This seems like an odd reflex , since the cough doesn 't clear the stuff out of the esophagus … it likely has to do with the fact that in human embryonic development , the lungs come from the same tissue that gives rise to the esophagus , stomach and first part of the small intestine … so the nerve pathways are likely the same for both . Whatever the case , the cough can occur when the stuff comes only a little way out of the stomach . But , in some people , the stuff does come all the way up to the top of the esophagus and even out of the esophagus and over into the voice box … that will trigger a cough , big time … and people will often get a really bitter , sour , burning taste along with it … but again , some people can be asymptomatic ( except cough ) even when that happens . Here 's a picture of this … So people with PF can cough because of postnasal drip , GERD and a host of other things … of course , the cough might also arise from PF itself . Like everything else here , this is pretty poorly understood . What is known is that patients with PF have increased sensitivity to cough - inducing substances . That is , when a cough - inducing substance ( e . g . , capsaicin - the stuff that makes hot peppers hot ) is inhaled , it takes less of it to induce a cough in a person with PF than in a person without PF . This is true for other substances often used in cough research ( things like substance P and bradykinin ) . Do you remember when we talked about traction bronchiectasis ? That is , the airways getting tugged open as the lung around the airway retracts with scar ? This is a very common finding in patients with PF ; in fact , it 's one of the hallmarks of fibrosis on HRCT . Here 's a picture of it … What I hear from my PF patients is that many cough when they breathe hard and / or fast , like when they 're hurrying to do something . They tell me they cough when they talk for extended periods ( e . g . , on the phone is a common one ) . One that I 've really come to appreciate is that many patients will tell me they cough whenever their oxygen saturation is low . So , if you have PF and you cough , what can be done ? Well , the first order of business is to rule out causes of cough other than PF itself . I mentioned two up there … there are others , so make sure you and your practitioner have worked through the possibilities before attributing your cough entirely to PF . If you 've arrived at the conclusion that your cough is from PF , there are some things to try . There are data to suggest prednisone improves cough in patients with PF . Please don 't take this as a blanket endorsement for chronic prednisone use in patients with IPF ( or PF from any cause for that matter ) ; whether to even try prednisone to specifically target cough from PF is a decision you and your practitioner should make together . Believe it or not , I have had some patients sing the praises of the following things for decreasing the frequency and / or severity of their cough : benzonatate , N - acetyl cysteine ( NAC ) , horehound cough drops , and Fisherman 's Friend cough drops . I 've used all of these to treat cough in my PF patients : narcotics , nebulized lidocaine , amitriptyline , gabapentin , and baclofen . I 've had some success with hypnosis in a couple patients . Which , if any is " right " for you is a decision you need to make you 're your practitioner . You 've probably read , there are emerging and potentially promising data on thalidomide 's ability to decrease cough frequency and severity , and to improve cough - related quality of life , in patients with PF . If you haven 't , you can find the article HERE . Thalidomide has some side effects , but it seems like people with terrible PF - related cough are willing to put up with them to get some relief . The good news is that there are newer , apparently less - toxic derivatives ( i . e . , cousins ) of thalidomide out there … and more on the way . We 'll have to test those to see what they can do for our patients . Now , you should know that , in any person , cough can be caused by more than one thing … in fact , many of my PF patients talk about their " PF cough " and their " other cough . " Treating cough , regardless of cause , can be a real challenge . I like to set the stage up front : I tell my patients this is going to be a process of trial and error ; there may be - but probably won 't be - a " magic bullet " that magically takes the cough away . Often , there is some benefit from one intervention , but then another thing needs to be added / tried . Try not to get frustrated , and don 't give up hope . As you can see from the paragraphs above , there are a bunch of things to try . Work with your practitioner , and let him / her know what is working ( or not ) and how . We had a great time at dinner with British Don last night but I have to mention the traffic . It was crazy . It took forever to get from the house over the pass because of the tourists who were driving home after a day at the beach . Then , rush hour traffic . We crawled . I took a sneaky back way and finally made my way to Michael 's work . But , I noticed that the traffic on the northbound freeway had stopped . Needed Plan B . We had to take another group of side roads to drive up to a different freeway then , when that freeway stopped , we drove back down to the first freeway . It was not horrible but slow . Finally , we made it to Don 's loft mentally exhausted yet so very grateful to not have to do that commute on a daily basis . We wove through the city to eat at a cool German restaurant in the Mission District , shared a plate of various sausages and sauerkraut and talked . We were there a couple of hours . It was good to get brought up to speed since we had not seen him in several weeks . Afterwards , the top went down on the car , we drove through the city , dropped Don off then headed down the coast just at sunset . Lots of color . It was so beautiful . The ocean was a deep blue and calm . Still in the 60s . So very relaxing . Today , mom and I are meeting Barbara and her daycare kids at a Japanese Tea Garden I used to often take William when he was little . It is part of a larger park , which has a great playground and even a small train . After lunch in the park , we are going to the PEZ Museum . Really . I used to know the owner years ago , as a bass player in the orchestra used to work for him when it was a computer company . The museum began to make more money than the computer store ! It is now rather famous . We are so looking forward to seeing Barbara and hanging out with the kids . Five hours of hand trimming , cutting the lawn , raking , hauling a ladder , using the electric trimmer , blowing it all into a nice pile and hauling it all away . Hot and sweaty . It felt great yesterday . No stiffness this morning . I slept so well and forced myself out of bed this morning . After rehab class today , I am coming home to change clothes and wait a couple of hours before going back over the pass to nab Michael from work . We are going to have dinner in the city with British Don . We haven 't seen him since he vacationed in Hawaii then another vacation in Miami Beach . Can 't wait to hear all the details . It is the warmest day of the week so it will be a beautiful night to wander the city . Anna told us that Doug should be in the hospital four days and two to three weeks to recover from brain surgery next Tuesday . I will bet there will be a bit of rehab as well . The pre - op was Tuesdays and they felt much better after being walked through the process and all of their questions were answered . Still scary . I lasted 2 . 20 minutes on the elliptical in the rehab class yesterday . Dripping sweat and quivering legs but no pain , not even this morning . That is the good news . I still feel I need more of a workout and deeply miss my fast walks on the treadmill . Yoga . The classes keep changing and my schedule only allows for a Wednesday class . Power yoga to Gentle yoga . I didn 't do well in the transition . There was something else that really bothered me : the smell . Incense was always burning and the smell would turn my stomach . Some days I would have to leave and force myself not to get sick . The thought of going back to a new class was exciting until I remembered the smell . I don 't know if I want to deal with it . Pilate 's . My string bass partner in the orchestra takes private lessons from the local franchise . She has ligament issues and uses it as physical therapy twice a week . It has made a huge difference to her health . I am thinking about wandering in during the day , asking a few questions , letting them know I will be bringing oxygen and gage their reaction . But this Wednesday , I am going to work in the gardens most of the day . Lots of hand trimming is needed . I love to listen to the radio or music and just focus my creative juices on all the hand work . I love to walk and look at each section afterwards . Such satisfaction for a job well done . I will also sleep well tonight ! Since 2005 , I have been working out in pulmonary rehab at least five days a week . I have changed things up a bit since then by adding two more days a week and throwing in some yoga , walks along the ocean and lots of yard work . I felt fit and healthy before the flu hit in January . I feel I am struggling to get back to fitness . With the hip injury , I just am not getting a full workout . It scares me . I know that working out hard everyday has helped to keep the lung transplants at bay . Having to back off exercise leaves me vulnerable . I don 't like it . In two weeks , I begin to rehab the hip with the hopes that I can continue a walk along the ocean and pain - free enough to add lots of minutes to the elliptical . I bumped into Mac , my chosen PT , and he was so happy to be working with me in two weeks . He is tough . He will push . He will teach me what I can do and really what I should never do again . Coincidentally , I will be part of a focus group next week to talk about specifics of a good pulmonary rehab program . My university hospital is going to launch one for ILD patients . It 's about time ! Please , please , please ask your doctor about pulmonary rehab . You will feel so much better within just a couple of weeks . More stamina . I used to walk out of there standing straighter , breathing better and exhausted . It felt fantastic . We named yesterday " Opposite Father 's Day . " It began when Michael made eggs for our breakfast . Wait , shouldn 't I have made breakfast for him ? After watching the Formula 1 race ( the most boring of the season ) , Michael CUT THE GRASS while I was taking a shower . He never cuts the grass but it was really long and I had planned to cut it myself later in the day . What a surprise . Wait , shouldn 't I have cut the grass on this special day ? Then we hopped in the car , put the top down and drove down the coast to our favorite dive before the tourists invaded . We ran into the man who owns the restaurant right on the ocean north of us . We sat and chatted while Michael had a Ramos Fizz . Later , he BBQed a small steak and two colossal shrimp in their shells for our dinner then made a nice decaf Nespresso for me . Wait . . . Our son phoned from the tour , which was in Germany on their way to Croatia . They had a nice chat . Father and son . Michael asked him to arrange VIP tickets to an upcoming concert in Southern California for his favorite cousin and her son , who is interested in becoming a sound engineer . They have never met William . He will have her son hang out with him before the concert then he can stand near him during the concert to see how he mixes the sound . It is the first time we have ever asked this of William . I messaged his cousin on Facebook to let them know it had been arranged and gave them William 's cell number to text that day and when they arrive to the venue . The response was overwhelming . They were shocked and their son was elated . Happy Father 's Day . A day to honor our fathers . I especially want to wish a good Father 's Day to those whose father 's have passed away . Hold those memories close to your heart and make sure your children hear stories about them today . In our life right now , one father is facing brain surgery in nine days and another dear father just died . This will be a raw , probably difficult holiday for both families . Bittersweet . Next year , it will be a bit easier to be grateful . Our hope is for Doug 's full recovery from surgery and peace for the children and wife of Jay . William is in Europe but will phone his dad today . They have such a close relationship that it makes me smile . After doing a quick mow and blow of the yard after watching the Formula 1 race this morning , we are going out to lunch . Dinner will be in the garden . Oliver phoned to thank me for his birthday presents . He especially liked the glasses that have little mirrors on the inside so he can see what is going on behind him . When he opened the motor driven marble tall maze - type thing , he told Natalie , " I have always wanted one of these ! " Another successful choice of presents for my favorite 5 - year old . His sister Winnie has found her tribe . As a kid who always needed attention , being asked to join the gymnastic team and being both the youngest and smallest gives her a lot of attention from the other girls . Natalie said the girls are all cut from the same cloth . On the balance beam last week , Winnie took her first hard fall trying to do a hand stand . Apparently , there is a choice of the balance beam height . Winnie always chooses the highest . Always . Natalie is worried that now she does not seem to want to continue with her violin lessons . She has two years under her belt and has learned a lot of theory . When Natalie and I worked together , we would often put the young kids together with an instrument that we thought would fit their personality - type . I laughed when I told Natalie that she should offer Winnie a change of instrument . My quote ? " She is so a trumpet . " Natalie replied , " You 're right ! " I need to report that after working out each day last week , I have no pain . It helped to reduce my time and speed on the treadmill and I added two minutes on the elliptical . I was so worried that I was not going to be able to get in a good workout without the treadmill . Doug was sent home from the hospital yesterday after a ton of tests , which didn 't find another tumor anywhere in his body . That is a good sign . They plan to remove the brain tumor on June 30 . No one seems to be in a huge hurry , which is also a good sign . Surgery on the brain is never a walk in the park so there is still a lot of anxiety about having to face it . He is in good hands . Rehab class went well but Sherman was also very anxious about having his first treatment for macular degeneration : a shot in his eye . Mom has been having these treatments for over four years and it has saved her eye site . I walked Sherman through the process and told him the secret of taking two aspirin afterwards so I hope he feels a bit more prepared going into it today . Michael has chosen his Father 's Day dinner : We will split a small steak , each with have a grilled colossal shrimp , cole slaw and he is going to have a piece of Tiramisu from his favorite bakery . Weather should be beautiful and we plan to stay in the garden all day . He also is expecting to hear from William , who will be in Germany on Sunday on their way to yet another festival in his new favorite country Croatia . It will be good to hear his voice . I am looking forward to a change of pace this weekend . Instead of working in the yards on Saturday , I am meeting our friend Barbara ( without her wonderful day care kids ) to pick out some new glasses then lunch together . Like an adult . No chores . I am so looking forward to it ! Back to rehab class this morning . The experiment on the elliptical on Tuesday was a success . Theirs was power driven so it was a bit easier . I went two minutes , my saturation level remained at 96 % and my heart got a bit of a workout . Today , I will do two minutes again then add an additional two minutes next week . There was no pain in my hip or my knees afterwards or the next morning . That is good news . I did do a warm up at 2 . 5 MPH for 11 minutes on the treadmill , which felt great . I also set up several weeks of PT for my hip . We so adored mom 's therapist that I requested him , ran into him after my class and we are both so happy to have him working with me . Should be fun and a lot of work . He was tough . Now for the very bad news : Anna and Doug . Michael 's older sister and her newly - retired public defender husband who just came for a visit . He was having problems with vertigo while he was here and was also falling out of bed . Apparently , after they got home , he was sleeping all day and was repeating everything he said five times . Clearly something was wrong . He finally made an appointment with his doctor yesterday for the same time that Anna was taking her neighbor to her chemo appointment . He wanted to go alone . The doctor quickly found liquid behind his eardrum , which was causing the problems but . . . let 's get a CT Scan just to be sure . Bottom line : They found a 3 - 5 mm tumor in the lower left side of his brain . He was admitted into ICU , they are doing an MRI of his head and a CT scan of his stomach and heart , and will run his blood work today . There is talk that they might send him home for the weekend but the surgery will be Monday or Tuesday . It hit Michael really hard . No one slept very well last night . We are so praying that it is able to be removed , benign and Doug continues on with his retirement . With this blog , I try to offer as much information about the reality of living with a lung disease . All the ups and all the downs . The trick is to appreciate the ups but not panic during the downs . What I can 't give to you , dear reader , is my personal experience when lungs crash . Thankfully , I have been able to avoid that scenario , so far . Sadly , a long - time reader of this blog has just lost her husband to an interstitial lung disease . She had shared with me so much about their experiences through the years but especially his final weeks . She asked if I would share important information with you . It is about the whole lung transplant process . I tried to re - write it but she wrote it so eloquently that , after changing identifying information with capital letters , I just pasted it from her latest email . Please read it : Add to your blog posting about transplants . WE had his first encounter with the FIRST HOSPITAL transplant clinic on April 8 . His hands and fingernails were showing clear signs of clubbing . He was on 5 liters of O2 . His FIRST HOSPITAL ILD pulmonologist was calling regularly , trying to get the eval going . The transplant pulmonologist turned HIM away . She said she didn 't think the eval had to be done on an urgent basis . That he seemed stable . I protested at the time , told her we had no Plan B if he crashed . She was unmoved . The clinic set the next appointment for June . HE was admitted to the hospital with either aspiration pneumonia or exacerbation or both on April 25 . I spoke to one of the transplant pulmonologists the day before HE died . SECOND HOSPITAL had directed me to move HIM to a transplant center . FIRST HOSPITAL pretty much refused . HE was on a lot of IV steroid at the time . That precluded him from surgery . The update for your blog : FIRST HOSPITAL protocol demands that patients are on 20 mg of Prednisone or less for eval AND transplant . If you crash , any ILD pulmonologist 's first reaction will be to reach for Prednisone . A lot of Prednisone . In doing so , transplant retreats as an option , at least here in CITY . It 's not enough to get evaluated before you 're sick . You must understand how the transplant center interacts with emergency treatment protocol . It is that last sentence that I think it is so important for us . That is wisdom learned only by experience . She is going through the grieving of her husband yet feels so compelled to make sure this information is shared with us . An amazing woman . Posted by At the other rehab yesterday , I had two conversations with people I have spoken with before but this time , they asked questions about my oxygen . That opened a whole conversation from how I got the disease to lung transplants . Through the years , I have gotten good at telling the story simply and quickly . If they want more information , they will ask specific questions . And they did . As we were talking , one said that sometimes she realizes that she can 't do things she was able to do just a couple of years ago . I offered how I have learned to adjust to those changes but to keep moving . Never stop doing anything . Change the approach . Adjust but keep moving forward is my mantra . And with that in mind , I tried the elliptical . Yikes ! Without using the arms , I was short of breath and felt the pressure in my knees within minutes . At the rehab class today , I will asked to do a minute this week and work up to two minutes next week . We 'll see if I am able to build up my stamina or if it is just too much for my lungs and knees . I also will admit that I spent a bit of time on my beloved treadmill and did not have any pain . Yesterday , Dr . K . sent an email to be printed and sent to excuse me from jury duty . What a doctor . I will attach her business card to the email , make a copy for my files and send it in today . I bet Michael that he will be receiving his jury duty notice within the month . Michael is going back to work this morning for the first time in two weeks . It has been lovely sleeping in until 6 : 30 ! I am going to miss him but I can tell he is itching to hang out with his young friends at work . So good for his soul . We went to Macy 's yesterday to buy new work clothing : four different styles of Levi 's and four new shirts at great prices . We slept under new sheets last night . Amazing what a difference a good set of sheets make . It was from the Hotel Collection , 800 count Egyptian cotton , extra deep packets also from Macy 's ridiculously cheap . I will be at the other rehab by 7 : 30 this morning to try out the elliptical , lift some weights and ride the recumbent bike . No treadmill for a bit . Before the rehab class tomorrow , I will make appointments to rehab my hip . I so want to return to the treadmill . We didn 't make it to the butcher yesterday so I need to swing by there after working out and before I see mom . She has a long appointment this morning , we will eat lunch late and I will need to buy groceries at Trader Joe 's before coming home . It is going to be a long day . My ear is improving everyday . It still rings a bit but is probably 75 % of normal . The decongestants really helped dry up the liquid behind my ear drum . And chewing gum helped , too ! Jury duty . For the first time in years , the paperwork came in the mail requesting my presence . Dr . K . had written a letter to request my permanent removal from the rolls of jury duty in 2008 . Can you imagine me in a room of hundreds of people waiting to see if we have to go into a smaller room before a judge , sit together all day then sit on a jury all day ? The germs alone would kill me . Also , sitting that long for weeks and weeks would make me have to start my rehab from the very bottom . It would also be exhausting and I know I would end up sick . I sent a quick email to Dr . K . on Saturday and she wrote back ! First , an automatic reply came that she was not in until Monday , yet she still answered my email . One remarkable woman . Hopefully , I will get a note from her to send into the courts . After doing the yard work yesterday , I tried to just stop and rest . I am still not feeling great . Today , I am putting new sheets on the bed ( they were left on our doorstep yesterday ) , running to Safeway , taking a shower then meeting Michael over the pass to buy some new jeans for him , swinging by the butcher then a quick run to Trader Joe 's . It will be nice to be out into the world with him . It was my first day out into the world after the company left . Mom and I did a bit of shopping , I bought several summer t - shirts and we had a very light lunch at Applebee 's yesterday . We talked non - stop . I am still not 100 % but my ear is better each day and I was not so exhausted . Recovering . Starting all over again . I wish I had a nickel . . . Every time I have a downturn with my health where I can 't go to pulmonary rehab for a bit , I have to return to start slowly to build back my stamina . It is always daunting but I am surprised that it comes back rather quickly , though never 100 % . I look back to when I felt very fit and healthy about a year ago October for our friend 's son 's wedding . I felt fantastic . I was walking long distances and working out eight times a week . As I look forward to the rebuilding , this time it is going to be different . The hip issue is going to play a role . No more treadmill . No more long walks along the ocean . But , that doesn 't mean that I can 't do shorter walks or that I can try the elliptical at rehab or add time on the recumbent bike . This time it is going to be different . It will begin on Monday . I will also make the appointments for the rehab on my hip as well as return to pulmonary rehab . The goal will be to sweat everyday . My university hospital has asked if I would sit on a focus group to put together a pulmonary rehab program . Their first one ever . There will be two meetings of 60 - 90 minutes and I will be paid a grand total of $ 100 . 00 ! ! Wow ! ! In the meantime , I will be putting together a list of topics that I found helpful during my classes when I began rehab back in 2005 . Should be interesting . Lung transplants . No one wants them . They are a treatment not a cure for our lung diseases . As one person described the process to me : You are sick . Your lungs have a sudden crash . From that point forward , there is a small window of time to get evaluated for transplants before you are too ill to be transplanted . I have friends who have died during the evaluation process . I have a friend who died a year post - transplant . It is tricky . My friend 's husband , who had my disease , was not interested in a transplant when it was first mentioned to him . By the time he needed them , he was too sick to begin the evaluation . His wife just asked that I pass along to you , dear reader , that she so wishes that they had gone through the evaluation process earlier in the disease , even though he would have been rejected for being too healthy . She said that if you wait too long it can be fatal . She really feels that they were not guided properly by the doctors . It is a regret . They fought a long hard battle . Her husband 's memorial service is this Saturday . When Dr . K . first mentioned transplants , she told me I would have to lose weight to get between 25 - 30 BMI before I would even be allowed an appointment in the transplant clinic . I immediately rejected the whole idea of a transplant . No , thank you . She looked into my eyes and said , " Sitting on a couch and needing 10 liters of oxygen is not living . With a transplant , you may have another five good years or even more . Educate yourself . Follow the process . When you are ill enough to actually need a transplant , you will have everything in place to make the final decision whether you want them or not . " I heeded her advice . I have made the decision that if I crash before I am 70 - years old , I will go for one lung . If I can just stay stable for another eight years then crash , I will just let go and die . If you are struggling with this decision , please be evaluated . Get the information . Learn the process . It may add active years to your life . Talk with your doctor . Here is a lot of information regarding the transplant process : HERE It was a surprise that I had a fever when I went to the local doctor yesterday . Explained why I just have not been feeling well . She reviewed the history of my immediate care and ER visits and gave me the bad news . She did not want to treat my ear with another antibiotic . She was worried that it might just kick me into the syndrome caused by antibiotics killing all the good as well as the bad bacteria . She said I would really be in trouble if that happened . So , we are treating it conservatively . Lots of warm compresses . Daily Zyrtec - D to help dry it up from the inside . Time . It 's going to take time . My friend Barbara has tinnitus . That is a HORRIBLE disease that will totally ground her for months . This is nothing close to it but I now can understand her frustration dealing with hearing issues with no easy relief . I wanted to hit the gardens today but I just don 't feel well enough . And , thank you , the grass is too wet ! It was marvelous to be out in a gentle rain all day yesterday , thanks to the remnants of a hurricane . Lovely . Warm . A bit of drought relief . We are going to our third funeral in three weeks . The memorial service for our former neighbor is next Wednesday . When we rented a house then bought it in 1975 , they were our neighbors . After moving into our current house in 1982 , we still kept in touch . They were lovely and kind to the young couple next door , even with Michael working in our garage in the early morning hours . She had a long fight with cancer and I had just seen her a couple of weeks before she died . I haven 't seen their two boys in years and will be shocked that we all are older people now ! Well , the clogged ear has now turned to pus again . I can feel the difference . My primary will be called this morning to see if I can get in to see her before or after my noon dentist appointment , but I will bet she is not available until tomorrow . I tried to take it easy yesterday , eat well and rest . The only goal was laundry and I did get the guest room sheets back on the bed and the room put back together . Michael was very careful with his diet and had no diarrhea yesterday so he will be careful again today . Thank goodness that it seems to be under control . I was getting worried . Ron and Susan - our neighbors - left yesterday for a month in Italy . He dropped off some radishes and greens from his garden and told us to pick and eat anything we want . Did I mention he has a ton of raspberries in his backyard ? I will bring mom down next week to see his amazing garden and pick some produce for her . Ron often gives me some goodies from the garden to give to her . She adores him because he is a gardener . Soul mates . After cooking a good breakfast of " Joe 's Special , " Anna and Doug left yesterday morning . They loved spending time with us and Anna clung to Michael sobbing as they said goodbye . It was a nice visit . The house was suddenly quiet . Michael had planned to run over the pass but he has been dealing with a bad case of diarrhea . What is so strange is that we had split lunch and we had eaten everything the same for several days . We can 't figure out the cause . He was better yesterday then we ate a dinner that did not settle well . So , today it is the BRAT diet - bananas , rice , applesauce and toast . He will add some fresh turkey or chicken for protein but that is it . Hopefully , this will pass . . . I dozed on and off yesterday and slept well last night . I am tired . My ear is still blocked . The goal today is to do the laundry , wash and iron the guest room sheets and just take it easy . I do need to phone mom this morning just to check in . While life continues for us , my heart is just aching over the loss of a dear friend 's husband , who had my disease . We have never met but she and I exchanged a lot of information that I hope helped them the last couple of years . His passing was a complete shock . I imagined him out of the hospital , into a rehab facility and eventually transplanted . Hypersensitivity Pneumonitis is a horrible , nasty , scary disease . I so hope that our children will be able to take a pill to slow down the disease . The new fibrotic drugs offer hope but sadly , a bit late for her husband and me . We left the house keys with Anna and Doug yesterday while we went to Jay 's services . It truly was a celebration of his life in their home filled with his old college friends and all the relatives . It was exactly what I would wish for a service . I promised his children that I would phone Nancy often just so she can talk . It sometimes helps the grieving spouse to talk with a person who is not directly related . Easier to share without the worry of causing tears or anxiety with the children . While we were gone , Anna and Doug drove into town for breakfast and shopped along Main Street . They made their way home , had a nice nap then went out for a beautiful walk on the coastal trail in the sunshine . I think they enjoyed they day without us ! We ordered pizza ( a total treat for me ! ) and enjoyed it while watching the basketball game followed by the Formula 1 Race from Canada . And talked . And laughed . I also invited them to stay at our house during one of our long road trips . They are the easiest house guests ever but they are leaving this morning . It has been a nice visit . It has been a whirlwind . We went to Ano Nuevo yesterday : HERE . The elephant seals were molting , the females had arrived and the young males were playing / fighting . It was perfect weather for the event : sunny but with fog just off the coast for a cool breeze . To see the elephant seals , there was a 3 . 4 mile walk up and down hills and over some sand dunes . It was a difficult hike for me , especially the second half . Finally , we made it to the viewing area . There were approximately 300 elephant seals propelling their massive slug - like bodies up onto the warm sands , fighting and vocalizing in the water , chasing each other and just sunbathing in the sun . Fascinating . I was worried about the hike back . The sand dunes would be a huge challenge and there were major hills I was going to have to climb . Michael noticed a wooden walkway that led away from the viewing area . He asked the docent if that was for the disabled . She replied yes , it connected to a road but they couldn 't help me because we had not pre - ordered a staff member and transportation to come to pick me up . We took off . It was a graveled road with only one minor hill . I avoided the sun dunes . I avoided about four other huge uphills . We kept walking on the road wondering where it would lead us . Finally , there was a fork in the road . To our right was the last bathroom bulding and the docent 's structure . We called the boys to tell them to meet us there . As we took that road , the docent began to walk towards us with a man using a cane . Anna got nervous . As we passed , we smiled and said our hellos . The docent never stopped to question where we had come from and what we were doing there . Michael had a rough night . Something he ate caused massive diarrhea and something bit him on his neck . I ran out to Safeway this morning to buy some relief for him as it needs to be under control for Jay 's funeral today . Since we split the lunch and ate everything the same yesterday , we can 't figure out what he had eaten to cause the problem . After three attempts , Anna and Doug finally arrived yesterday . I was ready . We had a nice chat before driving down the coast to the dive with the fantastic food and the goat farm . Doug was so intrigued by the operations of the goat farm and loved all the free samples . They even had habenero and goat cheese stuffed truffles . Lunch was fantastic , Doug had the famous artichoke soup and loved it , Anna and Michael each had a crab sandwich and they had oysters . I had a steamed artichoke and a small hamburger without a bun . I didn 't want to eat a lot . Anna and I stayed at the house while the boys took a drive up the coast in the Porsche . Gave us a time to chat ! Simple , small appetizers were served out on the side patio ( and cocktails ! ) followed later by baked open - faced sandwiches with a side of cantaloupe , basil and sugared bacon . Oh , did I mention the chocolate cake frosted with ganache then covered in pralines ? Doug told me it should be illegal . Today , we are going to Ano Nuevo , which is a state park down near the Santa Cruz county line where the huge , slug - like Elephant Seals hang out . It is a nice hike down to the water from the parking lot so we will get a little exercise in today . For lunch , we will stop at a camping place for the rich Silicon Valley people who want to get away . It is glamorous and did I mention very expensive to stay there ? Well , they have a fantastic restaurant on the property , not too expensive but great and unique food . An experience . Tonight 's dinner will be a couple appetizers . Tomorrow is Jay 's memorial service . We are leaving Anna and Doug here at the house so they can hike the trail to have lobster rolls for lunch . Anna is excited ! When we get home , we are going to haul them to the city . Someone recently told me I had a white light surrounding me . A protective and positive white light . When I was in first grade in a Catholic school in Illinois , a very young and very sweet nun told us all about Guardian Angels who watch over us . I remember thinking , " So that 's what that is ! " Whether it is a Guardian Angels or intuition , I have listened to that inner voice all of my life . It has saved me many , many times . I trust it when I meet people . I trusted it when I interviewed and hired people . I knew I found the love of my life just writing Michael 's last name ( read about that story HERE ) and just waited for him to figure it out . One scary story was when I was dating a guy in the 60s . We had taken a ride in his VW bus - it was the 60s , after all - and were parked in a pullout on Devil 's Slide . We had climbed the small hill to look over the cliffs to the crashing waves below when something told me to move NOW . Run . I looked around and saw two guys walking quickly towards us . " Let 's go now , " I said to my boyfriend and for once , he listened to me . He moved , I kept saying , " Hurry , hurry ! " I knew that if we did not get into the bus and go that these two guys were going to push us off the cliff to steal the bus . They were getting closer and closer . Finally , he started the bus and we drove off . I looked back to see them both stop , throw up their hands , turn around and walk back the other way . When I got sick , instead of praying for a cure , I would ask for guidance . Prayed for help to understand my new unexpected path . Years later , I realize that having this disease has brought such positive changes to my life that I am grateful for it . I am fit . I am very happily married . I am being able to share our experiences to help others through this difficult experience . I am hoping that the white light stays to guide and protect me a few more years . Our final day together . Company arrives tomorrow morning so , as tradition dictates , we are going out to dinner tonight . We love this time to take a deep breath , talk about the upcoming visitors and just be together for the last time in days . This will come after a day that begins with me finally washing the windows , the housekeepers doing their magic , a beautiful praline - covered chocolate cake will be made and mom 's eye doctor appointment is later this afternoon . I am feeling better , the ear is better but I am still coughing a bit . I completed a long list of things to do yesterday and even had time to get my eyebrows waxed . Ouch ! I love company who share that they want to go out to lunch and just have a few appetizers for dinner . My kind of people . We so hope the fog lifts so we can be out in the garden , especially in the evening . Michael . What a guy . While being so sick lately , he really stepped up to the plate . Again . He was so thoughtful and just worried about me . Very tender . Very sweet . Yards ? Done ! After five hours of work everything is sparkling . It was to a point towards the end that I had to force myself to continue . I am not totally recovered yet from the virus and I did push it a bit too much . I was toast . Yet , I still made dinner and cleaned the kitchen . By 7 : 30 , I was in bed and slept 10 hours . While doing yard work , I decided to remove a small Meyer 's Lemon tree . I 'm talking about a foot tall . It never really liked where it was planted and just needed to go . While pulling on it , I felt my back being pulled . Oh no . That 's what I need ! This morning , I feel just a small twinge . Thankfully it is not worse . I heard from the doctor regarding my hip MRI and words like , " as we get older " kept creeping into the conversation . My bones are great but all the other things that fail as we age are doing their job : failing . It was suggested that I give up the treadmill and walks to swimming and bicycling . Great . I 'm not allowed near a swimming pool because of dirty water molecules getting into my lungs and bicycling out into the world is impossible . I just don 't have the lung strength . Asking if there was rehab I could do to build muscle around the issues , she said she would send the referral . I will be asking about the elliptical machine at rehab , which is so less jarring on the joints . Today , I am going out into the world . I am hitting the bank , two grocery stores , Peet 's to buy coffee grounds , See 's Candy to buy a pound for Doug then home to make sugar - glazed walnuts , clean the stove hood , file all the paperwork and wash the windows . Just a few more things to do ! ! The funeral for a friend 's wife was yesterday . The church was overflowing with people and I think the entire Top Brass from a large fire department filled the aisles and back of the church . Her son is a fireman . I sat next to a friend 's wife who has been fight cancer for years . It appears to now be a losing battle . Her numbers just turned bad , she probably has had her limit of chemo and was suffering through this final round . It was so sad . Because of mom , I left early to take her to the hard - to - get driver 's license renewal appointment . It was jammed , people without appointments were looking at 2 + hours of waiting . It was a tough and unhappy crowd . Mom almost blew the eye exam but finally figured out what she was doing wrong , took the written test and passed with a 100 % gold star . She danced out of there with relief . I am feeling better . No coughing this morning but my ear is still filled with fluid . So very annoying . Today , the gardens will be done . I am going to try to focus on the back gardens as we will be there more than the front . Tomorrow , I will gather the food and prepare the house for the housekeepers . We moved into our house in 1982 . William was a year old and we were in our late 20s . It was a nice house on a cul de sac near the ocean . We were the youngest people to ever buy into this up - scale neighborhood . The children of most of the original families who bought the houses when they were new were high school aged , so there were very few young children in the entire area . On our street , William was it . While I was out trying to do yard work , the neighbor next to us was also doing her gardening . Nancy was a Master Gardener . She not only grew flowers but she also had huge vegetables gardens . We became friends . Her husband , Jay was the optometrist in the town north of us , her son was in college and her daughter was a junior in high school . He would drive home for lunch everyday . One afternoon after his lunch , she and I decided to remove an older , small tree in my front yard and take it to the dump . We worked hard . We did it and waited to see if either husband noticed it missing that evening . Nope . Nancy was an excellent cook . No recipes needed . One day , she told me it was time to learn how to make a good pie . We spent the day making eight apple pies for our freezers and I really learned . They owned a rental house in downtown Carmel , CA . It was in the days of Bing Crosby 's Pebble Beach Classic . The Clambake . Very quietly , as this was never offered to any of their family members , they offered us the house for the weekend of the tournament while it was between renters . And , they babysat William all weekend . William adored them both . Nancy had a separate vegetable garden in the back just for him . They planted and water and discussed how they looked everyday . No vegetables ever tasted better and he was so proud of his crops . The bad new was around 1990 , they retired and moved to be closer to Nancy 's family . We still saw them a lot . We phoned . They visited . We would meet them in Carmel or Monterey . We were also invited to family events . We always went . Now in their 80s , they have traveled to Hawaii several times a year , exercised everyday , still ate very simply and neither was on any medication . Did I mention that they have NEVER eaten fast food ? Jay never could understand the concept . When I got home from the hospital on Saturday , there was a Facebook message for their daughter 's best friend . Jay had just died within the hour . Details were shared but I so just wanted to speak with Nancy . Finally today , their daughter let me know that Nancy wanted to speak with me . She was still in shock . She also said that she had not shared many details with the relatives then told me everything . We talked about how it is sometimes easier to talk about it with someone one step removed . Nancy and her son had just arrived home from the Farmer 's Market , he left , Jay was in his chair and didn 't answer her question . She walked over to him . He was gone . Yes , the paramedics came and the wait for the coroner was horrible but she knew there was nothing they could do . We talked about how it was the perfect death for Jay . No long stays in a hospital . No stress of an illness on his family . We think it was an aneurysm . A quiet death . I felt off balance , mentally , all day yesterday . Maybe there was too much on my mind . We began the day in a lawyer 's office signing all . . . What a day ! We didn 't get home until 7 : 30 but felt both fulfilled and satisfied . The meeting of the Ambulatory Patient Advisory Board wa . . . I am having sleeping issues . Exhausted , I fall into bed last night and almost passed out yet a few hours later , I was wide awake . I was so t . . . Here is a confession : I don 't like my primary doctor . So why do I stick with her ? I live in a little isolated town and the nearest town . . . In minutes , we are off for our adventure today . Mom is waiting and I will bet that she was too excited to sleep much last night . She LOVES t . . . All the paperwork and all the applications are done and even the CSAA , AARP , Costco memberships are paid . All my stuff is done . It really do . . . Drum roll , please ! The doctor took a look at a new X - ray of my fractured knee and declared that I am healing well . No surgery . No problems . . . . |
by : LaLaMemories . Joy . Anticipation . We spend a good bit of time writing about these three words here , as it relates to our vacations and time spent reliving happy moments with the ones we love the most . In a place that we all love dearly . But as I put up a ' last minute ' tree the other night and breathed in the heady aroma that announces the arrival of Christmas , I was instantly and quite surprisingly transported back in time thirty years . And in that moment I was reminded that there is no time or place that brings about any greater joy , any more priceless memories , any more pure and unbridled gleeful anticipation than Christmastime . Sweet , glorious Christmastime . It all started not with a mouse , but with a spontaneous purchase . A whim , if you will . For weeks our home has been fully decorated , inside and out . Ready and waiting to ring in the holiday season with its perfectly perfect white lights and painstakingly color coordinated ornaments strewn everywhere and anywhere they will fit . But as beautiful and convenient as our artificial tree in all of its decorated glory is , it felt like something was missing . Like I was doing it all wrong . At least as far as the decorating goes . So while I was out finishing up my shopping , I happened upon a sale I couldn 't pass up and picked up a small Frasier fir for less than the cost of an Arby 's combo . Little did I know the memories that little purchase would evoke . As soon as we got home , I went to work . I promptly set the tree up in the kid 's bonus room just off the kitchen and proceeded to decorate it in the exact opposite fashion of the rest of the house . There were no matching ornaments and not a single white light to be found anywhere . Instead , I went with a multitude of old school C - 7 lights in every color of the rainbow , as well as multi - colored twinkling lights . Once I was finished , I took a step back and took a deep breath . And . . . . cried . One little tear . The happy kind . Because as I stood there taking it all in , my mind was immediately ushered back to SO many Christmases ofPosted by One thing I really like about the Contemporary Resort is how easy it is to get to the Magic Kingdom . You walk out of your room , down the hall , hop an elevator , walk to an escalator , ride up a floor and voila . You 're in your first line of the day . The park was opening at 8 : 00 that morning and we were boarding the Monorail at 7 : 30 . And on that morning , the Monorails were running smoothly and quickly . Something which wasn 't happening a few days later . As we approached the platform from the escalator , a Monorail was coming into the station . I noticed the front was empty . I wondered to myself if we were going to score the front on our very first Monorail ride . But there were about 15 people in front of us . Surely one of them is going to snake us for it . I watched with some trepidation as the folks in front of us moved onto the Monorail and not one of them asked for the front . I was harshly critical of them in my head , " Idiots ! They could have had the front all the way around the Seven Seas Lagoon . So dumb . " Realizing I could still get snaked , and like the full on Disney knowitall I am , I leaned over the rail as we moved towards the entrance and I asked the CM if we could ride in front . Excuse me for not having been in WDW since the accident . But truthfully , I was less embarrassed by that exchange and more embarrassed that I had been out Disney nerded by the 15 people ahead of me in line . I can only hope they were some of you . Anyway , we got on the Monorail . We had our first " por favor mantengase , " and we were off to the MK . It was a morning EMH at MK . We came down the Monorail ramp and split up to go through security . Why ? Because having not been in WDW in 2 years , I quite literally had no clue what I was doing . I thought we could save some time by going in separately . Mrs . Z would take the kids and the bags and go through security . I would walk straight in to go rent a stroller for Li ' l Z . As far as I knew , they were where they always were , on the right in front of the train station . I told Mrs . Z to go through the turnstiles and go all the way to the right and meet me in front of stroller rental . So I come walking down the ramp at Disney Pace and smugly walked through the no - bag line and headed to the far right turnstiles . Marveling at my beautiful plan . Everything going swimmingly . Only when I got down to the far end , I didn 't notice the signage said , " Breakfast " or something like that . I got in line behind a handful of people and this little CM , we 'll call her Ricki Rules - Rule , asks me if I had a reservation for breakfast . I said , " No , we 're here for EMH . " Only I actually said it out . I didn 't verbally abbreviate . I don 't work for NASA . She said , " I 'm sorry , you need to go over there . " She gestured towards the completely mobbed turnstiles . I showed her my Key to the World of High Prices and Endless Aggravation and said , " Ma ' am I 'm here for EMH , " Two things to bear in mind : it was 5 minutes until 8 : 00 and , in fact , the other turnstiles were passing people in . So the park was , in a word , open . But Ricki Rules - Rule would not budge . So I walked over to the sea of sweaty humanity in humidity and made my way through . As I stood there , silently steaming , I was reminded why we shouldn 't give clipboards and turnstile control to people making minimum wage . Ms . Rules - Rule is clearly training for a job with the TSA . Once inside the turnstiles , I made my way to where I thought I could rent a stroller only to discover it wasn 't there . I asked a CM where the stroller rental deal was and she told me under the train station . But they weren 't letting anyone in yet . The train had just pulled into the station and they started the oh - so - annoying welcome show . I pulled out my phone to text Mrs . Z when I saw her walking my way . We watched the opening show and I considered how annoyed I was by Ricki Rules - Rule and then I thought better of it . It was the first morning of the first day . She was just doing her job and all that . I purposed in my heart to not allow myself to be annoyed so quickly . Dumb things are gonna happen . Don 't let it steal my joy . The sixth floor isn 't a bad view after all . You also shouldn 't purpose not to allow yourself to be annoyed by dumb people in Disney World . Because a test is gonna come . And right quickly at that . The welcome show ended and we moved through the tunnel behind a lot of other people . I was stuck behind a very slow moving woman wearing mom shorts . And the faint smell of maple syrup . I was blinded by the white of her legs . Her fanny pack was festooned with pins and whathaveyou . I didn 't see it , but I was sure she had a lime green Mickey head on her somewhere . Bonnie Budgetboard was moving slowly . But I was determined not to aggressively move around her . She was walking in that way large women do . Kind of waddling . Although it was only a few minutes after 8 : 00 in the morning , I could hear her thighs chafing . Her large lady waddle prevented a horde of us from getting around her in the tunnel . Unfortunately , she was headed the same direction I was , and I remained behind her in line for the strollers . It was as if she just decided in that instant that she was going to rent a stroller . She didn 't know what they cost . She didn 't know if she wanted a double or a single . She needed to know the price if she rented it for 6 days . No , 5 . No , 7 . No just 6 . " What if I need a stroller in EPCOT ? " " Do I get a dollar back if I return the stroller ? " " What happens if I lose the stroller ? " I was actually amused by this spectacle . A long line was forming behind me and Bonnie Budgetboard was comparison shopping . I wouldn 't have been surprised if she got on her phone and called Orlando Stroller Rentals . I knew I was being tested . And before you shout , " Hypocrite ! " I knew I wanted a stroller , knew how much it cost , knew what size I wanted and I knew there was no $ 1 back if I returned it . I just didn 't know they moved the rental location . So the CM gives her the total and Bonnie asks if she can pay with a gift card . Or 7 . She whipped out a stack of gift cards thicker than the stack of Mickey shaped waffles she ate for breakfast . I surmised that she put aside money for the trip by buying Disney gift cards in $ 50 increments . Nothing wrong with that I suppose . Only , she didn 't bother to consolidate the cards . I was incredulous . But I was NOT going to get annoyed . Mercifully , another CM opened a second register and I walked up and said , " Single stroller , 6 days , please . " I handed her my KTTW and she said , " thank you . Boy you did that real fast . Like you knew exactly what you were doing . " I said , " I had some time to think about it . " She laughed knowingly and glanced furtively towards her co - worker who was still swiping Bonnie 's various gift cards . She handed me my pink stroller certificates and a receipt and then she realized she 'd only charged me for five instead of six . So she had to void the transaction and start over . Because she couldn 't just charge me for another day . And then after she voided the transaction and swiped my card two more times , someone told her she should have just charged me for the extra day . Then the stamp wouldn 't work . Well it did work , only she stamped the wrong date . I said , " no problem , I 'm picking it up here , it 'll be ok . Just tell the lady you stamped it with yesterday 's date . " No . She had to stamp it correctly . Only every time she adjusted the stamp , she adjusted everything but the date . She changed the month . She changed the year . She changed the 1 to a 2 . But she couldn 't get the actual date correct . Only it wasn 't . Properly strollered up , we walked right down the middle of Mainstreet , USA . As we neared the castle forecourt , I suggested we stop and have our picture taken in front of the castle . Mrs . Z turned to me and asked , " Who are you ? " You see , I 've NEVER wanted to stop for such frivolousness before . On the first morning of the first day , ZZUB don 't stop for pictures . But I was overtaken . We walked up the ramp and through the castle . Little ZZUB was AMAZED ! She calls the castle in Disney World 's Magic Kingdom , " our castle . " As distinguished from the one in Disneyland . Anytime she sees a Disney castle in a DVD or a picture she 'll ask , " Daddy , is that our castle ? " So I thought it was probably important that she get up close to " our castle " on this our first morning of our first day . Walking through the castle she was taken back by it all . It was blowing her mind that we walked right through it and " it 's a real castle ! " Coming through on the other side , Donald Duck greeted us . All decked out in his frontier clothing . Which was out of context in Fantasyland , but neither of the little Zs seemed to mind . They ran up to hug him and get their picture taken with the Main Duck . We 'd been in the MK almost 30 minutes now and hadn 't ridden a ride . And somehow I was okay with this . Our first ride was up on the left , Peter Pan . But not because ZZUBY wanted to ride it . She 's over the man in tights . Moved on . But Little Z wanted to confirm that Capt . Hook gets his from the crocodile and calls out to Mr . Smee for help . Last summer in DL , we attended a character breakfast and Capt . Hook showed up . Which scared the mess out of Little Z . We have very funny pictures of her nearly crawling across the table to get away from the Hook . No fan of his is she ! Throughout our planning for this trip to WDW , she asked us many times if Hook was going to show up at breakfast . At dinner . I assured her she wouldn 't have to see him anyplace we ate . In fact , the only place she 'd see him was in Peter Pan 's ride . Where he 'd end up getting eaten by the crocodile and he 'd call out , " Help me , Mr . Smee ! Help me ! " Little Z liked that . " Daddy , can you take me to see Capt . Hook call out , ' help me Mr . Smee ' ? " I assured her I would . So onto Peter Pan 's ride we hopped . I was amused by ZZUBY telling her little sister that the bar was magic and would come down when we told it to . Together we ordered it , " come down , bar ! " The ride through Peter Pan is always fun . A touch nostalgic . It 's one of the places in Disney World where I 'm five again . In awe of the magic . Just happy . It smells Disney in there . Have you noticed that ? The a / c in Disney World , in the MK attractions especially , have a smell . A pleasing aroma actually . I noticed it a few times at the Contemporary as well . The doors opened and we were greeted with the Disney smell . It 's a smell that evokes a more carefree time . Sounds . Smells . Music . Things . All carry me back into my head . Flying over the streets of London and over the mountaintops of Neverland , I was next to my mom and dad and my sister and I were watching our tube socks glow in the dark . I showed ZZUBY and Little Z how the white on their clothing was glowing . My pukas too . Peter Pan 's Flight is maybe 2 ½ minutes long , but it carried me back about 37 years . As it usually does . Little Z got to hear Hook cry out for help from Mr . Smee and I got to spend 2 ½ minutes being little again . We exited to our right and walking out into the too - early - for - it - to - be - so - blinding sun , I turned back to inhale the smell one more time . Trying to burn it into my nasal memory . And now that morning 's ride on Peter Pan 's Flight with my girls is woven together with the other memories I have of Disney World . It 's been added to the fabric of my mind . It comforts me to think 30 years on , ZZUBY and Li ' l Z will again be on Peter Pan 's flight . With their kids . Ordering the magic bar to come down . Shouting with Capt . Hook , " Help me , Mr . Smee ! Help me ! " They 'll remember me . It got cold here a few weeks back . It was the first cold of the year and I knew I 'd need something warmer than just a shirt on . I hadn 't even gotten my winter clothes out yet , but I still had my fleece zip up in my closet . Hadn 't worn it since last winter and for some reason it didn 't get put up with my winter clothes . I reached back into my closet for it and pulled it on over my t - shirt . As I was zipping it up , I saw it . Woven into the fiber of my zip up . A light brown hair . Coarse and short . His hair used to get to the most unusual of places . I used to be amused by it actually . How I 'd find a hair of his in my car even though he 'd never been in my car . Sometimes on vacation I 'd pull something out of my suitcase and it 'd have a few of his hairs on it . As if he 'd sent along a little reminder . " Dad , I want you to know that even doe you weft me home , I still wuv you so much . " Weeks after he died , we were still finding his fur balls under furniture . But we hadn 't seen any of his hair in months . Seeing it again in my fleece stopped me . I pulled it out and held it carefully in my right hand , between my thumb and forefinger . I clasped my left hand around my right hand to protect it . And I brought it to my nose . To smell it . So I just held it . And suddenly , it wasn 't the first cold day of the year anymore . No , it was anytime before March 20th . It was any day of any week of any month from 1998 until early 2010 . I could hear his toes on the hardwood floors . I could see him built for speed in our back yard . Could feel his cold nose nudging my arm as he tried to get me up to let him outside . Could see him . Greeting me at the door . Licking the mess out of my face ' cause he was so happy I was home . It made me at once sad and happy . Which isn 't so common , you know ? It 's not normal to feel both emotions simultaneously , is it ? But I did . I was sad , so very sad to be reminded that he was gone . But I was also so happy to see that little reminder that he once was here . Loving us . Making us laugh . Simple things bring me joy anymore . It 's not the fancy things . Not the expensive things . Not the elaborate things . The smell of a ride at Disney World made my morning . And the stubborn hair of my best friend reminded me of the twelve years of happy that dog brought our family . It 's funny how vacations can teach us things about one another that we never knew . As we stood in line waiting to board the gondola style Ferris Wheel , I learned something new about my mom . She had never been on a Ferris Wheel . EVER . In fact , she let it be known in no uncertain terms that she would not be boarding one now were it not for the puppy eyed pleadings of her grandbabies . At Six Flags Fiesta Texas , the Ferris Wheel opens later than the rest of the park . Thanks to our ride timing , we were right next to it when it opened and were the first ones aboard that day . Another family hopped into the adjoining car and we were soon on our way . Hailee held Nana 's hand so she wouldn 't be scared and after a couple of rotations , Nana declared it to be a nifty thing . Once our ride was over , we got back on and went around a second time . After that , we did a few kids rides in the form of a carousel and kiddie coaster before heading for some chow . We settled on Sangerfest Halle in the Spassburg section of the park . It has a German architecture and features a food court with several different types of offerings . ( Tex - Mex , Papa - John 's Pizza , and German . ) The dining area is built around a stage which features a show with the Looney Tunes characters . We settled for Papa Johns and were soon seated and eating . It occurs to me that this would be a good time to give a discourse on the joys of refillable park mugs . Both Sea World and Six Flags offered them and both advertised you could bring them back all season . The difference is that at Sea World , you pay a buck for refills from the point you buy it on . At Six Flags , you get a wrist bracelet that gives you unlimited free refills on the day you purchase it and they are a buck on each subsequent visit . Oh that Disney would adopt a similar policy ; if for no other reason , than the riled up flaming it would cause on a number of discussion boards . Our afternoon activities focused solely on the water park which is included in admission , but first we had a slight detour on The RoPosted by What do you think of when you hear the phrase " preparing for winter ? " When I hear it , I have visions of Ma and Pa on Little House on the Prairie . Good ole Charles busts into the warm house , snow and wind coming in all around him , and he slams the door closed against the wind and smiles at Caroline . ( I loved me some Michael Landon ! ) She has a hot meal waiting and a warm fire burning in the fireplace . Mary and Laura sit down with their Ma and Pa and eat some dinner from the crops that they grew and put away last summer . Everyone is happy and healthy because the family prepared for winter . At my house , of course , it doesn 't really go down quite like that . Here , preparing for winter means we turn on the heat for the first time - usually in November - and wait with bated breath , praying we feel some warm air coming from the vent . If we don 't , we sleep cold that night and get the repair man over the next day . I shop at the grocery store for our winter meals , and the mall for our warm clothes . On an " as needed " basis . Except for the slight change in temps , winter is pretty much business as usual in Macon . In other words , there 's not much to " preparing for winter " around here . But " preparing " for SUMMER ? Now that 's a concept I can understand . Thinking about summer vacations , sleeping late , hot weather and humidity is easy stuff in February . It can 't get here soon enough when the trees are bare , the temps are chilly and the grass is dead . And preparing for summer at Disney World ? Well , that 's even better . To add validity to the " wintery - ness " of the situation , I have provided some pictures of said event for your viewing pleasure . ( If there was EVER any doubt that we 're rednecks , it 's about to be removed . I 'm sure there wasn 't , but just in case … ) Here 's what happens when the first flakes start falling from the sky . All the neighborhood kids end up in our yard bringing anything that will work for a sled . Nevermind that there 's not really any snow on the ground . And yes , the NMs are the little dorks with the laundry baskets . I 've since heard I should have sprayed the bottoms of the baskets with Pam . Hmmmm . I 've moved around so much that you might not remember where you are . It 's February 13th , a snowy morning in Macon , and I 'm curled up in front of the fire with my laptop . How do you prepare for summer ? Well , if you 're going to Disney World over the busiest week of the already busy summer , and there 's an opportunity to score some VIP Fastpasses that might make your park touring a little bit better , THAT ' S how you prepare for summer . You get busy on that opportunity . Through some conversations with LaLa , and then subsequent research on the Disney World website and the Disboards , I found out about a volunteer opportunity that was in the Macon area and would work for my family : Project Linus . As LaLa has already explained , it 's making blankets that will be given to children during a time of crisis . Not only did it appeal to my " sewing " side , ( yes , I own a sewing machine and I know how to use it ! ) it was one of very few opportunities that accepted volunteer children as young as my 7 year old son . Within a couple of hours , I had spoken with the Project Linus coordinator in Macon , and I had my marching orders for 8 blankets . The only problem ? They had to be turned in by tomorrow . By the next day , the snow had melted , we had gone to church , we 'd watched my son 's ball game , and we were within minutes of missing our " due date " for the blankets . We pulled into the driveway of a tiny little house in Macon . The Project Linus coordinator was a grandmotherly woman whose ENTIRE HOUSE was filled with stacks of blankets . The Disney partnership had given her more press than she had ever experienced . Blankets were everywhere ! There wasn 't a single place to sit . This sweet woman and her husband welcomed us into their home , took our information , and shared with us a little bit about Project Linus . They were extremely grateful for the volunteers that Disney 's promotion had brought their way , and they congratulated my kids on their upcoming trip to Disney World . ( My kids were - thankfully - gracious and did not say this was their 13th trip in five years . ) We left the Project Linus house excited and thankful . It was fun to prepare for summer in the middle of February . It was even more fun to do it in a way that wasn 't totally self - serving . I can 't imagine how many people were blessed by the GAD promotion . The house I went into was filled to the brim with blankets for hurting kids in Middle Georgia . And that was just one project of many , in just in my area . These things went on all over the country . I think the whole promotion was a great idea . With VIP Fastpasses in our pockets . Those Fastpasses made the difference in our trip . We rode twice as many rides as we would have without them , and our pace was much more relaxed . by : LaLaOver the years , Disney has come up with a lot of different promotions . Some better than others . A few have reeled us in , but I don 't think any has ever had an effect on us like their Give a Day , Get a Day promotion this past year . It was back in February , when we were in the midst of planning our trip , that I realized we might be able to participate in the promotion and be able to do some good for someone else … . while also doing pretty good for ourselves . Let me stop right here and sheepishly admit that in the beginning , it was ALL about the Fastpasses . Since we didn 't need a one day pass , once we completed our volunteer opportunity , we would opt for the Fastpass Exchange card . What is the Fastpass Exchange Card , you say ? A little piece of plastic heaven , that 's what it is . It 's basically a little like Universal 's Express Pass system , only COMPLETELY different . With way more restrictions . But still cool . And from the moment I read about it , I knew it would come in VERY handy on a summertime trip to Disney . We 've been to Disney in the summer before and we knew from experience that the lines in June would be much longer than they are in October , the time period we had grown accustomed to over the years . And the more I researched and the more I contemplated , I was sure of two things . One : the Fastpass Exchange cards were the bomb diggity , and two : I would make it happen . After doing a little more research , I registered our family for a volunteer opportunity through Project Linus . In case you 've never heard of them , Project Linus is a non profit organization that takes in and then distributes hand made blankets / quilts to children who are going through a tough time . They are distributed on a local level through first responders / hospital staff , etc . It may be an illness or a surgery that they 're experiencing , the death of a parent , an accident , fire , any number of things . Obviously a blanket doesn 't come close to making up for any of that , but if those kids are anything like my kids , having someonPosted by Our check in was slow and painful . Not unlike watching Barack Obama struggle to answer a question without the benefit of a teleprompter . And after several minutes , I received some unsettling news : we were assigned a room on the sixth floor . For those of you who haven 't studied the floor plan of the CR , the sixth floor is the lowest level of rooms on the MK side of the building . It is right over the Monorail . It 's the equivalent of getting stuck in a middle seat on an airplane . It 's like getting seated in the back row on Soarin . It 's like getting a room in the Herbie the Love Bug section of the Allstarssomethinornuther . It 's a lousy location . All the guy said was that our room was on the sixth floor . What I heard was , " none of your requests have been granted . You 're in the worst room we could give you . You suck ! Your family sucks . Alabama sucks ( perhaps it does if South Carolina 's beat down was any indication ) . All of your well made plans are destroyed ! Your ENTIRE vacation is now ruined ! ! ! " I worked with a manager for quite some time to find a solution because the ZZUBs were NOT going to spend a week on the sixth floor . Like idiots . NOpeopleinCaliforniawhovoteforJerryBrown . But the CR was sold out and ( if you can believe it ) , it was pretty late in the day . There were no other rooms higher up on the MK side of the building . The best solution she offered was to let us move the next day . She even offered to let us keep our room until the new room was available . Promised me even that the transition would be seamless . Out of options and tired of standing there , I agreed to go take a look at the room . Almost as an aside , she said , " if you do end up deciding to keep your room , just call back and let me know . " I looked at her and thought , " what kind of crack are you smoking ? " She looked back at me and thought , " For a guy wearing puka shells , you 're not very relaxed , dude . " I went to break the bad news to the girls . Not only were we stuck on the sixth floor , but there 'd be no unpacking and getting sitched tonight . We 'll have to figure out what we needed and just leave our bags packed until we move tomorrow . For us , unpacking and getting sitched is the quintessential first day experience . I 'm not proud of this , but I was full on deflated . This wasn 't how I wanted to start our Disney trip . We opened the door to our room and walked through it to our balcony . It occurs to me that we walked straight to it . And there we saw this . And there wasn 't a thing wrong with the view . Not a thing which could be improved upon by five flights . Trust me . I confirmed this the next day . Why did I think we needed to be higher up ? Why did I think this wasn 't good enough ? We walked around the room and kept going back out on the balcony and we were talking around whether the room would work for us or not . I was realizing that I 'd believed higher was better for no reason at all . We were in Disney World for crying out loud ! . We were in the freakin Contemporary Resort with a room facing the Magic Kingdom ! Being 50 feet higher up wasn 't going to make that big a difference ! I was so disappointed with myself . For several minutes I 'd allowed myself to be one of those idiots , the people whose expectations are unrealistic . Worse still , my expectations were also flat out wrong . We prayed all summer for our trip . Our countdown chain had prayer requests written on it . So each night when we pulled a chain off , there was a request to pray for . Safe flights . No one gets sick . Make good memories . It was a good way to cover our trip in prayer as we counted down the days in anticipation . One of my prayer requests was that we 'd get the room we were supposed to have . Which is , in fact , what happened . Even if I was too daft to recognize that . I thought it had to be higher up . But as I stared back at the Castle , I realized that we could move higher up and get still end up stuck next to a loud family . Or get a room with an adjoining door . Or have neighbors who improperly use their balcony for an ashtray . Maybe our room wasn 't higher up . But it was where we were supposed to be and better is one day in His house than a thousand elsewhere . If I may re - interpret a verse . I was nervously pacing through the room , barely conscious of the fact the girls were jumping on the beds and talking nonstop . I decided we should just stay put . And as I was making this decision , Mrs . Z was noticing the place was filthy . With a capital Ph ! There was a good layer of dust on the furniture . That 's actually an understatement . The room was to clean what Barbara Boxer is to intelligent . What Joy Behar is to reasonable . What Brett Favre is to discreet . What Tiger Woods is to monogamous . What Frickles is to math . The CR rooms have opaque glass doors to the bathroom . There was a greasy hand print that ran almost the entire length of the glass . Which led to some discussion about what went on in there . In the room itself , there was a hand print on the mirror and the doors to the balcony hadn 't been cleaned since before Jimmy Carter began his " superior to the others " post - presidency . In other words , the typical Disney World housekeeping issues . But Mrs . Z was in the bathroom and she spotted something FAR WORSE . Worse than another two years of a Democratically controlled Congress . Worse than the words , " President Palin . " Worse than Georgia 's football team even . There was something brown sitting on the toilet seat . Mrs . Z was grossed out , disgusted and maybe a touch mortified . But not touched by the mortified , thankfully . Not me . Oh sure , I was annoyed as all get out , wondered whether the room had been cleaned at all . But in that moment , a preternatural calm had come over me . I figured the brown was at least near where it was supposed to be . It wasn 't like we found a little piece of brown on the phone . Still . This was an issue which needed to be addressed . I know from experience not to call the " front desk " from your room . Because you won 't get the front desk at all . So I walked down to the front desk to talk with a manager about getting our room cleaned . I also wanted to let her know that despite the general state of disrepair , we thought the location was fine . The irony wasn 't lost on me either . The manager was insanely nice about the problem and offered to send up housekeeping immediately . To VIP clean the room . Like that would impress me . She also offered to give me a credit on our room . Without my asking for it or implying we 'd be expecting it . I thought was a nice touch . Not the credit , frankly , that was the least they could do . I appreciated that she offered it without my asking . I told her we were heading out for dinner and we 'd be back in an hour or so and would expect to have our room cleaned while we were gone . She assured me that wouldn 't be a problem . And it wasn 't . We took the boat over to Ft . Wilderness for some dinner at Trails End . We like it there . The food is reasonably good and they have sweet tea . Plus it just flat out feels like Disney World . The ride on the boat was pleasant and as we rode we comforted ourselves that we were in the right room . It would be cleaned and as a result of the brown on the seat , it was REALLY going to be cleaned and a clean room is more important than anything , right ? Dinner was fine but it wasn 't spectacular . The food underwhelmed a bit although we loved us some sweet tea . In many ways , the night reminded me of a dinner in Chef Mickey 's four years earlier . The thing which was worrying me was vastly insignificant by comparison . But it still felt like we were going through the motions . And there it was . Finally , on the boat ride back to our resort , I finally started to feel like it was our first night at Disney World . And all that was good . The sweet tea at Trails End , the evening boat ride on the lake . Finding a spotlessly clean room when we returned . The fun that is unpacking in your hotel room . Being so glad to be back at the Contemporary again . Watching the new fireworks show on the balcony . All of that was good . I woke up early the next morning . Insanely early . Even for me . It was 5 : 00 when I woke up . Pitch dark outside . Too dark to sit on the balcony for some Bible study time . So I got dressed , brushed my teeth , grabbed my camera and my Bible and went in search of a well lit , but quiet place to spend some time with the Lord . It was still silly dark when I finished praying but I figured the sun would come up soon and I could score some sweet sunrise over Bay Lake pictures . But it was not to be . The sun wasn 't working on ZZUB 's schedule . We don 't get that in Disney World very much . When it happens , you should enjoy it . Eventually , the Contempo Café woke up and I stepped in , bought my mug and filled it full with brown water served warm . The coffee spilled down the side when I put the lid on . As usual . And after I 'd wiped it off , I headed up two flights to our room . To eat some Pop Tarts and start getting everyone else up for our first day . Mrs . Z got up and began getting ready and as she did , she realized her eye was now well enough to wear her contacts again . No wearing her glasses . No squinting in the sun . At the exact moment she needed it , she was able to put in her contact lenses . In my previous installment , the Biscuit clan had arrived at Six Flags Fiesta Texas to find a virtually deserted park . With two rides down and many left to go , we headed over to The Boardwalk area . The girls soon discovered a few kid - oriented rides which had no lines at all . ( What is the deal with the spinning bus ? Why does it seem that EVERY Theme park has this ride ? Do they just give that out free when you puchase three or more other rides of equal or greater value ? ) While the girls were thusly engaged and safely under the watchful supervision of First Lady Biscuit and Nana & Papa , I took a side trip to catch me a coaster . It had been a while since I was able to get my coaster on so I was really looking forward to a chance to ride the rails again . The closest coaster to our location was Poltergeist and it was one I had never ridden . Because the ride was built after the park opened , the coaster itself is sandwiched in behind some other buildings . To make it accessible from the park , they offset the queue and the loading area quite a ways from the actual track and tucked them between a restaurant and the back side of the car ride . The affect of this is that you cannot see the track from the line or from the loading dock . ( This is an important note for later . ) I shuffled my way though the endless rows of empty rails and trudged up the ramp to the loading dock . There was a train waiting when I got there and the gates were all open . I was TOTALLY loving this no - crowd thing ! I joined the three people already on board and after a couple of minutes , and a few more folks had wondered up and gotten on , the bored and alarmingly sleepy looking ride operator closed the gates , dropped the restraints , gave a thumbs up and hit the magic button . It was then that I discovered something . It is probably a good idea to take a peek a coaster in action BEFORE you get on it . Poltergeist is not one of those normal , haul you up a hill with a chain , type of coasters . No my friends . This bad boy was a linear induction coaster . Now don 't get me wrong . I LOVE these things and have ridden them many times . However , I do like to know ahead of time so as to properly prepare myself . If there had been a ride video of my face during said takeoff , it would have gone viral by now . My head was suddenly pinned to the chair , my eyes were bugging out of their sockets and my lips were flapping so far around the side of my head that I was experiencing the disconcerting sensation of simultaneously kissing both of my own ear lobes . While other men may have been reduced to shrieking like a startled school girl , I am happy to report that I bore it with equanimity and quickly recovered . By the time we made it through the first loop , I had reeled in my facial muscles and took to waving my hands in the air and grinning like the Joker on tater tot day at Arkham . In short , the ride ROCKED ! I pondered riding it again , but didn 't want to leave the girls waiting . Plus I was sidelined by an injury while exiting . I don 't know how I did it , but in the course of making my way out of the queue , I raised my left arm while cornering a turn in the exit lane and somehow managed to smack the tip of my elbow on the edge of a metal bar . This created a chain reaction which shot lighting bolts up my arm and clear around the side of my back . It was about the worse funny bone smack I 've ever dealt myself . And it totally soured the mood for another ride . After meeting back up with the family , I discovered First Lady Biscuit had taken the girls on the mini - swings . This was nifty with me as I am much more prone to getting ill on those types of spinning rides as opposed to twisting and turning coasters . I don 't get it either . I also discovered that from the vantage point of the bench in front of the Taz swings , you could clearly see Poltergeist . In fact Nana Biscuit snapped the shot up above while I was riding it . I guess I should have stuck around over here a few minutes after all . When the girls were done with their ride , we all headed over to Scooby Doo Ghostblasters andPosted by Please join in the conversation and respond to what you 're reading here at ZZUBWorld . We ask that you keep your comments respectful and you abide by this test : " would you want your mom to read what you 've written ? " And if your mom 's a salty dog , then use this test , " would you want your 5 year old daughter reading what you 've written ? 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So , if it isn 't obvious already , I 'm a little obsessed with fabric designed by Kate Spain . One of the first lines of hers that I saw and fell in love with was Fandango . I had bought a little yardage of it from Hancock 's of Paducah without having a real plan , but when I saw it in person , I knew the colors were perfect for my brother . I was home after Christmas last year , and I showed him the fabric and asked him if he 'd like me to make him a new duvet cover , and he chose the design I 'd just used for my friend Anne 's baby quilts . The duvet top , with a small double strip of fabric that will fold over and encase the duvet almost like the old style of pillowcase . My brother is a pretty special guy . He actually inspired my interest in quilting by teaching me a really cool quilt design back in college , having learned it from his wife , and he helped me complete my second quilt ( the first being more of an opportunity to show off cross - stitch ) . I wish I had a picture of that little quilted wall - hanging we made together - I gave it to my best friend at the time , and it was really cool . Anyway , my brother is a professional potter who runs a studio in Athens , GA , called Good Dirt . He is talented in so many ways , and I 'm so proud of him for pursuing a career where he can teach , help people ( he does so much for his community and for charity ) , make incredible art , use his science background and all of his skill sets , and spend quality time with his family , like walking his son to and from school . A Rhodes Scholar with a D . Phil . in molecular genetics , he certainly could have been pushed into a career that didn 't satisfy him , but he was brave and decided to pursue his artistic side , even though he works like a demon for a lot less money and accolades than he could have received if he 'd taken a more traditional path . So , I 'd managed to get my hands on 2 charm packs of Fandango online , but I needed more fabric to make what amounted to two quilts sewn together ! Thanks to the awesome folks at one of my local quilt shops , Tomorrow 's Treasures , who kindly sold me 1 / 8 yards from every bolt of Fandango in their collection with no argument about minimum cuts ( so grateful ) , I was able to make this awesome duvet cover for my brother and sister - in - law , and I even finished it in time for Christmas this year . Less than a year for a project of this size . . . I really must love my brother ! ; ) I pieced and quilted the front in 4 sections , which I then joined using a bit of trial and error . I tried to take pictures to write a tutorial for how I did it , but I 've realized that it really will depend on what you are trying to join as to the best way to approach the technique ( plus I can 't really show what I did in pictures that well ) . On the back , I quilted it in two segments . The blocks were one unit , and the fabulous print was quilted separately , and then they were joined . I did a much better job on the join on the back , as it turned out . Another great reason to practice an idea on scraps first to work out the kinks . While the front required a lot of hand - sewing to create a smooth seam on the inside , the back was able to be pieced entirely by machine ( and still looked really neat thanks to careful pinning on the back while slowly stitching from the top ) . Luckily , that is the side that will be more up against their bodies , so a nice smooth join is more important on that side in terms of comfort . Here 's a look at the inside of the duvet cover , so you can see the quilting pattern better . I wasn 't perfect , but I think it will give it a nice light texture and a little added interest , and I used a thread that blends so any wobbles were less obvious . Also , you can see in this picture that I made a hemmed facing to finish the bottom edge of the top , since I didn 't want to disturb the pattern with any type of binding . I also did some other lovely couture touches , that unfortunately are hard to photograph , but I 'm very proud of the workmanship in this piece . . . it 's really well - made and should last them a very long time . I hope it doesn 't get too crinkly after it is washed . . . I love the crispness of the piecing and the quilting as it is . And , as usual , I 'm not sure whether I like the front or the back more . I love reversible quilts , even if they are a lot more work ! It was pretty hard for my mom to photograph this monster , but I 'm hoping when my brother picks it up from my parents around Christmas that he 'll be able to help her take some pictures where you can really see the entire design . . . it might take the whole family to hold it up ! Two quilts in one gets pretty heavy ! I also can 't wait to see it in place on his bed . . . a bed that he made himself in a lovely craftsman style ( did I mention that he is also an expert woodworker , or that he engineered and manufactured his own colored concrete countertops in a nice terra cotta to go on top of cabinets he built from scratch , or that he made his own sink out of porcelain ? ) That bed / house deserved a finely made quilt to pull all the colors together , and thanks to Kate Spain 's lovely fabric line , a nice design by Cindy of Hyacinth Quilts , and a lot of time and effort by me , I think this fits the bill ! Now I just need to make coordinating pillowcases for both Rob and his wife , Kim , with a bit of yardage and the little tiny scraps I have leftover from the top ( and by little , I mean little ) ! : ) So , we 're already well into December , but I feel like I should set some goals for myself this month , since I have been sitting out of sewing time lately . I 've been really tired lately , both from stress at work and the lack of daylight / incoming cold weather , and I feel like I need to motivate myself , or I 'll continue to be a couch potato watching episodes of Elementary and the Mob Doctor ( having finally caught up on Breaking Bad and Major Crimes ) . There is a part of me that really wishes we never even turned the tv on , but the lazy part of me is happy for ready entertainment when I 'm too tired to move . I 'm sure hoping I 'll have my mojo back in January . 1 ) Make progress on the QuiltCon charity quilt that must be completed by January 31st . We were sent a bunch of cool improv blocks that we need to turn into a twin - sized quilt for the Austin Children 's Shelter . By the end of December , I hope that the back and front will be complete , that a sandwich will be ready , and that it will hopefully be being quilted by one or more of the awesome members of the DC Modern Quilt Guild . Hopefully much of that will happen tomorrow at our DC Modern Quilt Guild meeting . I showed my nephew the Chasing Chevrons quilt top that I was planning to give him if he liked it , and he absolutely loved it . He 's a wiggly sleeper , and we all decided this one will tell him which way to wiggle as he sleeps , except some paths might make him fall off of the bed ! So . . . now I just need to get it quilted ! My goal for December is to get all four quadrants sandwiched and quilted . I can join them and bind them in January , but I 'd like to at least get the quilting done while I 'm in practice at free - motion quilting . I am thinking about a concentric circle swirl design , but I 'm still not positive about the approach , especially since I want to quilt it bigger than I have been lately . Perhaps I 'll seek the advice of my brave and trusty advisers tomorrow ! I 'm still in the camp of preferring piecing to quilting , but I 'm trying to teach myself that quilting is fun , too , and knowing a 10 - year old boy in Athens , GA , is super excited about having this on his bed means it might actually get quilted in 2012 ( and delivered in 2013 ) . 3 . I should be saying " Finish charity quilts " , as I know I would feel much better to get them all done and mailed out , but I think I need to take a small time out in sewing for others to make something small for me . Specifically a pillow for my office chair . If I end up having to sit at my office on Capitol Hill on the day after Christmas waiting for Congress to decide on how to avert the fiscal cliff instead of taking a week off to relax and sew and cook good dinners for my husband , I 'd like to do it in style with something happy looking at me when I walk in . My little purple placemat is not enough . I 've been watching all this pillow - making in the blog - o - sphere for awhile , and I have plenty of pillow forms that are eagerly awaiting covers / usefulness . While I 'd like to take time out to make myself an actual quilt ( shocking ) , I have a quilt for my mom that I 'd like to make first ( now that she has seen and approves of the fabric / design ) , plus I really , really need to get to work on my husband 's t - shirt quilt . He is so patient , and I 'm waiting on my test to see how it works to not interface the entire t - shirt , but I 've been waiting for that for months . I need to just get a back on there , sew over a few seams to stabilize it , wash it , and see how it looks . I shouldn 't actually call his quilt a quilt , as I am thinking very strongly of leaving out the batting , since , unlike me , he is often warm . In addition to my giant granny panties throw quilt for sitting in my comfy chair under , I need to make myself an actual bed quilt with heavy batting , since I 'm cold under my current sheet , blanket , and not - quite - large - enough flannel quilt . Oh shoot . . . and I probably need to make the purse I promised last Christmas for my niece before this Christmas . Argh . . . just 3 is hard . . . but thanks , Traceyjay , for trying to make me focus . I have a lot of sewing to do without my mojo , but writing this out felt pretty inspiring . Now let 's see if I can accomplish the 3 ( maybe 4 , 5 , or 6 things I 'd like to do this month ) , and I 'll have new goals f : ) So , I was going to enter this quilt in the QuiltCon Modern Quilt show , and though I finished it in time , I didn 't finish it early enough to get a nice photo of it . It 's amazing what a bad photographer I am . . . I really need to read the book my dear friend Anne gave me so that I can learn how to take awesome blog photographs ! And I need to set up a clothesline outside in my backyard , so I can have better light . Anyhow , I ended up not entering the contest , as I decided I really wanted to enter quilts that I was super proud of , and I didn 't want to spend $ 60 on entry fees with photos that wouldn 't do these justice . While I really like this one and the purple one I just finished a lot , and I like that they are my own designs ( though the quilting was inspired by Angela Walters ' book and they are based on traditional concepts ) , they really are just vehicles to practice free motion quilting . The one I really love , that I finished over Thanksgiving and have no pictures of yet , since I literally sewed the last seam as I was supposed to be heading to the airport , well . . . that 's the one I wish I could have entered . Alas , it is a duvet cover , so two quilts in one and no binding . My mom has promised to take photos , so I 'll share it soon . . . it really is awesome , and I managed to finish it in less than a year . . . wow ! I 'm really happy with how much my free motion quilting has improved . I used a variety of designs , including some stencils to stitch butterflies in the center and corners . I 'm still not perfect , but I 've been noticing lately that very few quilters are perfect if they don 't have a stitch regulator , so I 'll give myself a break ! I 'd like to practice on a few more of the charity quilts that are in progress ( and I 'm really looking forward to being done with them so I can start on new projects for family members , including my patient husband , and even a couple for me ! ) . I 'm also just about ready to quilt my Chasing Chevrons quilt . My nephew ( 10 ) is going to be the proud recipient , and now that I 've shown the top to him over Thanksgiving and gotten him excited , I need to actually finish it so he can use it ! Little by little , I 'm getting those projects checked off my list . By 2018 , I should be done ! ; ) So , I 'm more than a little excited about my latest charity quilt finish . I absolutely LOVE this quilt , and while it is extremely tempting to keep it for my future child ( or to claim that in order to keep it for me ! ) , I bought this fabric from Connecting Threads for a charity quilt , so I will give it away to hopefully make a child in need have a brighter day . But wow . . . this one will be really hard to part with ! And I 'm most definitely going to be making it again in other fabrics ( probably purple batiks if it is really going to be to my taste ) ! I love the finish that the cream binding gives the composition - and I machine bound it again . This time , I used 2 . 25 " starting width double - fold bias binding , because I made the binding awhile back , and I had 3 places near the corners that I had to go back and hand - sew , but not bad . ( My new technique is to make the binding before quilting a quilt , so that I don 't get bogged down at the end . . . though the quilting part still seems to be the real slow - down in the process . I actually enjoy the piecing and binding way more than the sandwiching or quilting , but I 'm hoping to change that ! ) I decided when I pieced this one that it was the perfect design to really practice my free - motion quilting skills , and I 'll be the first to admit , I need a lot more practice ! The final side definitely saw some improvement from the first side , but I have a long way to go before I 'll feel really proficient . But . . . " they " say practice is the key , and I certainly got a lot of practice with this one ! I even tried just following straight lines with my fmq foot , and by the end , I had somewhat even stitches . I also learned that since I can 't draw a smooth curve , I shouldn 't be surprised that I can 't quilt one either ! And yes , I had to take a picture of me snuggling with it mid - quilting . I used cream and purple Mettler thread , a little bit of my regular quilting / walking foot , a lot of my FMQ foot , and Warm and Natural batting ( that 's the big roll behind my head that I got for $ 200 during a Jo - Ann 's sale for all of my charity quilts , though I 've since decided I slightly prefer Quilter 's Dream batting ) . I spray - basted this one at our DC Modern Quilt Guild Sewing Day at Material Girls in La Plata , MD . ( I love Jessie 's blog - post about that ! ) And now I 'm about to go throw it in the wash to see this crinkle effect that everyone in blogland is so in love with that I normally try to avoid since I like my precise piecing / quilting to be evident ! This time , though , I 'm hoping that it will dramatically improve the look of the quilting ( aka hide the mistakes a touch ) , but I had to put a few detail shots here pre - wash so that you could see the myriad errors . . . so that when I 'm really good we can all have a laugh about how far I 've come ! ; ) When I finish the entire current batch of charity quilts ( inspired by Katie through 100 Quilts for Kids ) , I think I 'm going to have to find an old cool split rail fence to hang them all on , since they are going to be quite a sight ! 2 completely finished so far . . . at least 4 more to go ! I started quilting on the first pink one last night , and I 'm hoping to finish it this evening while my husband is back in New York City for the rescheduled concert from last Sunday . I made him be my quilt holder before he got on the road , so for once I actually have an outdoor picture of a quilt . Don 't faint ! ; ) So we survived Hurricane Sandy with no loss of power or storm damage ( as far as we know ) ! Hooray ! However , it makes it rather hard to take nice outdoor pictures when you are surrounded by a " Frankenstorm " ! I prepared for the loss of power this time extensively , after losing power this summer for several days to the crazy derecho that caused such damage to the grid in the middle of a heat wave . On Sunday afternoon , I baked fresh cinnamon rolls , filled all our water pitchers , and waited in line in the cold rain for 3 . 5 hours to get my early vote cast , since we have a super important opportunity in Maryland this election to vote for equality that I didn 't want to miss ! I hope so much that we are the first state to approve marriage equality for everyone by the popular vote . With gay aunts who are very dear to me and a model of a successful marriage , the issue is very personal and important to me . . . it must be , because I mistakenly only wore flip flops , and it was cold , but I waited for my turn ( though I had a lovely chat with several folks in line around me , which made the waiting much easier ! ) . For this fall 's Blogger 's Quilt Festival , I had a real debate . I thought about sharing the first big quilt I ever made , more than a decade ago now , since the improv pieced back is still a favorite design - I called it my Frank Lloyd Wright inspired quilt and always preferred the back to the front . Alas , it is so faded from constant use that an indoor picture just doesn 't do it justice , so I 'll share it another day ( or better yet , make it again in better fabrics ) . Maybe I 'll even write it up so it will be my first official pattern ! But for now , I 'll instead share my latest finish - a quilt for the new baby of my friend Kakuti and her husband Chris , who will be arriving any day now . This quilt is a variation on a pattern that many of us used for last year 's 100 Quilts for Kids . I altered it a good bit , so some of the squares are now rectangles and the middle of the three borders is wider than the others . . . next time , I 'll make this even more pronounced , I think , as well as perhaps substituting a larger piece for the center . I used a charm pack of Half Moon by Moda as well as a variety of black and white prints that I bought in my first fabric shopping spree that I 'd been saving for FOREVER ! I pieced the back to take advantage of those wonderful large polka dots , and I wanted to include some red , as well . I used the binding tutorial from Red Pepper Quilts to machine bind it using a 2 . 5 " starting strip ( versus my normal 2 . 25 " width ) , and I was very pleased with how it turned out . . . only one place where I had to go back to recatch the binding . I think the key is definitely lots of pins , and by my third side I figured out how to pin from the top , which made it a little easier . I also loved her measurements for how to overlap the ends - it worked perfectly and was much flatter than my usual tuck - under - one - end method . I did straight - line quilting with my walking foot in black and red . It required a few thread changes as I worked from the center out , but I think it was worth it to have the texture without distracting so much from the design . I really like how it turned out - as usual , it will be hard to give away , though I 'm very excited to share it with such a lovely couple . Luckily , when I bought the first charm pack , I decided to buy 2 so I could make one for our future child . I 've been making charity quilts and quilts for close friends ' babies for awhile now , but I 've decided I really need to start a stash of quilts for when we have a child , since many bloggers have mentioned that they had a hard time quilting once they were pregnant . So , you 'll likely see something like this again if you keep following my intermittent blogging ! I 'm going to have a lot of big finishes in the next few weeks to share , and I plan on quilting a lot when I 'm in Georgia around Thanksgiving taking care of my mom after her back surgery . While she rests , I 'll be sewing up a storm in the next room between bringing her little cups of tea and snackies ! While I 'm home , I am very excited about giving my brother his new duvet cover and my nephew his new Chasing Chevrons quilt , plus I 've got gorgeous fabric for a log cabin for my mom that I may wait to sew once I 'm down there ( or maybe I 'll get it done in advance , we 'll see ) ! Despite my best intentions , I only completed one quilt during the 100 Quilts for Kids charity quilt drive . I probably should have been more focused . . . instead , I also completed 3 tops , all of the pinwheel blocks for another , and a fun hand - stitched hexy strip that will be the centerpiece of another . Indeed , I was worried I wouldn 't even finish this one in time - on Saturday morning , it was still just a top and a back ! I used Cindy 's tutorial , but I only had a partial jelly - roll with no repeats , so I didn 't have enough fabric to make more than 3 columns , and I really struggled my way through this one , including unpicking several seams ( a rarity for me ) . I had started by cutting my jellyroll strips in half so I could make the two sets I 'd need , and on the second set , I figured out that I could make them line up better if I went ahead and cut off a 45 degree triangle from each end piece so I could line them up as I sewed the strip sets , since I didn 't have any extra fabric to spare ! What really made it a doozy was the micro - stippling . I haven 't done any free - motion quilting in a couple of years now , so I 'm very out of practice , but I really enjoyed it . My stitch length is all over the place , and it certainly is far from perfect , but I think it will make some foster child in Ohio , courtesy of My Very Own Blanket , immensely happy ! ( At least I hope so ! ) I think it is a good sign for a charity quilt when it is really hard to give it away , and this one definitely fits that bill ! My cousin , Kelly , had her second baby right around when we were getting married . For her first baby , Julian , I made a cute little bib / burp cloth thing ( a rectangle to put over your shoulder to sop up drool . . . not sure what to call it ) with a hand - appliqued chick on it , since she and her husband , especially , love orange . As usual , I didn 't photograph it - if I had a nickel for every cool project I made and gave away without photographing , I 'd have . . . well . . . at least a dollar ! Anyway , you 'll just have to take my word for it that it turned out very cute . I wanted to do something a bit bigger for her second baby , both for her and as a special thank you to her parents , my aunt Roz and Uncle Dean , who were kind enough to host our completely wonderful wedding reception crawfish boil at their house in New Orleans . I wanted to finish the quilt in time to bring it to New Orleans , since I thought they might enjoy having the quilt at their house for when baby Archer comes down to visit ( or they could deliver it on one of their many trips to see their grandbabies ) , but I didn 't have much time to get it done because I 'd been so focused on finishing the quilts that were long overdue for my bridesmaids , Anne and Talia , before the wedding . The weekend after our wedding , Bryan and I went to Chapel Hill to see several nights of surf band music ( my husband 's obsession ) and to see where he grew up , meet up with some of his best college friends to celebrate our marriage , and to generally take a stroll down memory lane . We had a really fun time during the days , heading over to Greensboro one day to our favorite BBQ place , Stamey 's , and hiking through the Guilford Courthouse National Military Park that he 'd gone to frequently as a kid . We drove by old houses he had lived in and by the little lake that was the location where he and his brother first " ran away from home " with their backpacks filled with PB & Js and comic books . We even drove by his elementary school . ( I 'm a nut about stuff like that . . . I made him do the same thing with me whenIn my first evening at the hotel , I had a quilt - ish ! I ended up deciding to add quite a bit more quilting when I got home , including some straight lines around the seam lines , as well as tracing some of the curves in the tree print , though I made that harder than it needed to be by using my walking foot . And while I got the binding attached once I got home , I didn 't have time to hand - sew it down until I was on the plane heading for New Orleans ! So , in these pictures , it hasn 't been washed yet , but it was wrinkly more from its handling than the process . . . it was actually pretty easy to keep it smooth as I sewed it down , even without using basting spray ( though next time I think it would have been easier to have spray basted the backing to the batting before starting ) . In addition to sewing down the binding by hand , I wanted to actually sign the quilt , since that is another of the things I rarely do but am trying to improve on . I think it helps that my new married name is 6 letters shorter than my maiden name . It 's a bit hard to see in this picture because I just used orange thread instead of perle cotton . . . why I took all these pictures indoors is beyond me , since I could have taken some really great outdoor shots , but there you go . . . at least I got my mom to help me snap some pictures for once ! And , I can 't leave this topic without a few pictures from the " reception " . I should start by saying that Bryan and I both love eating crawfish . One of the first times he cooked for me , he made crawfish pie . And I think one of my big attractions for him was a family from New Orleans ( for many , many generations ) ! When we were thinking about our wedding , we considered a lot of options , but we decided that rather than have all of my family from New Orleans trek to DC , it would be a lot more fun for everyone if we just traveled to New Orleans ! So , my awesome aunts from Champaign , Illinois , my brother and nephew from Athens , GA , my parents from Atlanta , GA , and Bryan and I from DC / MD all descended upon my uncle 's house for Memorial Day weekend ! The traditional " crawfish race " ! My aunt , in particular , was very worried about the heat of New Orleans that late in the season , so in addition to the standard crawfish boil tables under tents , they set up a little cooling spray system on the side of the tents that worked like a champ . We were all dressed in our grubbiest clothes ( which was funny when I tried explaining to the lady at Nordstrom 's Wedding Suite that I didn 't need lovely white shorts for my crawfish boil reception . . . I don 't think she understood what is involved in a crawfish boil ! ) . And we sat around eating crawfish , crabs , corn , mushrooms , potatoes , whole cloves of garlic , onions , and spicy sausage . We had bought a doberge cake from Gambino 's as our " official " wedding cake - half chocolate and half lemon . This is a wonderful cake , but really the reason I wanted it was because my dad 's dad ( " Pop " ) always loved lemon desserts , and especially lemon doberge , and that was my way of bringing him , in spirit , to our celebration , even though he passed away almost a decade ago . In addition , my uncle Bud and his wife , Dena , brought us a lovely cake that had whipped cream , berries , and maybe pastry cream . . . it was delicious . Aunt Roz had bought beautiful flowers and had some really fun decorations . My brother also brought his mandolin down and played some music for " our first dance " , which my honorary Aunt Cathy filmed . It really was wonderful - better than I had even imagined . We also ate at a lot of fun restaurants , including a dinner at Commander 's Palace with the famed Bananas Foster ( who knew cinnamon thrown on the fire would make such a good show ! ) , the impeccable Mr . B 's Bistro , Bryan 's old favorite Mother 's Restaurant , and Emeril 's Delmonico . And we couldn 't go to New Orleans without a stop for beignets and cafe au lait at Cafe du Monde . But the best meals were at my uncle Dean 's house . We had an amazing brunch the day after the crawfish boil with crawfish etouffee omelets , crepes , fruit , and the best hash browns on earth ( made from the potatoes , onion , and garlic from the crawfish boil ) . And before we left , my uncle went completely above and beyond and made my absolute favorite - crawfish bisque - complete with the crawfish stuffing in the shells . Thank you so much , Uncle Dean and Aunt Roz , for being such wonderful hosts . I asked my nephew which of his aunts ' wedding celebrations he preferred , and , of course , since my reception did NOT involve putting on a suit or sitting through a boring ceremony but did involve eating delicious food , playing horseshoes , fishing in the canal behind my uncle 's house , and playing lots of fun games , well . . . I won hands down ! : ) If you haven 't heard about the fabulous 100 Quilts for Kids charity quilt drive by Katie at Swim , Bike , Quilt ! , you should definitely check it out . It 's a pretty simple concept . Make a quilt or 2 to donate to a child in need through the charity of your choice , locally if possible . Take a picture and link it up by October 15th , and help spread the word . I 'm happy to see that the 100 quilt goal has already been reached this year , so I 've decided that if I can 't finish all of these in time , I 'm going to take my time and donate them as I complete them . I really want to use this as an opportunity to practice / re - learn free motion quilting , and the calendar has just been moving too fast . I did just enroll in Angela Walters ' Craftsy class on quilting negative space ( and bought her book . . . aren 't I the groupie ? ) , and Aubrie sold me on Leah Day 's website - wow ! Last year I only ended up finishing one quilt , though I had pieced another cute top . One of the things that was stopping me from finishing that quilt was that I needed to piece another top to see how much fabric I 'd have left for the back from this collection ( or so I told myself ) . Well , in basically one sewing session a year later , I had it done . I have to say , this one is really going to be hard to give away , which I guess is the sign of a really great charity quilt . I love purple , and I love the simplicity of the design . It 's ridiculous , but I can 't stop looking at it . I made up the pattern as I went , but I can see making more in this design , so I should probably write down what I did ( though , as usual , I learned some things along the way that I would change ) . I 'd originally intended to turn everything on point ( and still might in a follow - up quilt , since I still have lots of a jelly roll left ) , but I loved that plaid , and I didn 't think it would work as well as setting triangles , plus my center square ended up a little bit rectangular , so . . . happy accidents an opportunity to get creative . ; - ) Meanwhile , I also started playing with some more jelly rolls that I bought at the same time as the fabric above from Connecting Threads . ( I do have to say , I 'm not terribly happy with the quality of the fabric or the precision on the cuts . . . the charm squares were a mess and some of the fabric I 'd ordered had flaws , plus the cuts were so wavy that my 1 / 2 yard of that purple bordering the plaid was not even close to being a half - yard , so it went from my choice for binding to sashing ( and I just realized I need to figure out what I 'm going to do for binding now - doh ! ) . That said , the price was right , the prints were pretty , and I 'm making it work , and I have no reason to think it won 't be " good enough " . ) I 'm going to make this batch into a quick Ohio roads quilt - I 've already sewn them all into blocks , so I just need to sash and potentially make setting triangles - I 'm thinking about putting it on - point for something different . I think this will be a really sweet little quilt for a little girl . With the leftovers and the charm pack , I 'm going to make a more reversible modern quilt - and I finally will get to use my new rotary circle cutter ! Stay tuned ! : ) And this part of the stack is going to become a cute chevron quilt , using Cindy 's tutorial as inspiration . I 've already sewn a few of the white strips to some of the strips , since I like having multiple quilts going to use as enders / leaders , but I should have read the tutorial more carefully . But . . . I 'll make it work , though it may not be quite as perfect as hers is ! I bought charm squares in this line , too , as I originally had a different idea , so I 've decided to play with hexies , thanks to several awesome members of the DC Modern Quilt Guild , who have totally inspired me ! I have this quilt that I need to get quilting for my friend and colleague , Kakuti , who is due in November . I also have a second set of squares to make a very similar one for me , as I absolutely love it and I want to start making baby quilts for our eventual child . I 've read of too many pregnant women not feeling up to quilting to wait until I 'm actually pregnant to make something for our future child ! But . . . those projects do seem to take a backseat to all the rest , I 'm afraid . I don 't have pictures to show yet , but I also need to complete my brother 's duvet cover , my nephew 's quilt , my husband 's t - shirt quilt , and a little pinwheel charity quilt that I made using the 60 half square triangles I put together lickety - split at the DC Modern Quilt Guild sewing day , where I gave a little demo of the grid method for piecing hsts . I 'm a big fan - that 's what I used to make the Chasing Chevrons quilt , and if we live long enough , I 'll post a tutorial on here . . . I took all the pictures , but I find incorporating pictures into Blogger to be difficult . There must be an easier way ! Oh , and I want to make a quilt like the one Katie made recently for my friend Talia , who is due in March , but I 'm waiting to find out the gender of the baby before final fabric selection ( and because I can 't start one more project right now before I finish up a few ! ) I think I 'll take a fair amount of time off work now while Congress is slow while they are out campaigning . . . I feel certain that after the election I 'll be a lot busier ! So expect to see a lot more finishes soon ! : ) I 'm posting this from my phone ( so forgive the lack of links ) , but I wanted to show off my completed top from Jennifer 's Chasing Chevrons quilt along over at That Girl , That Quilt . I laid it all out on my king - sized bed ( and floor ) to decide on block placement , and little by little I got it all put together ! I turned one block the " wrong " direction from the pattern , but that 's not bad , considering . I plan to do a scrappy binding , and my smart mother suggested a dark color for the back , since it is for my nephew and she 's already worried about the light front . I have a few leftover scraps and blocks that won 't really go with the charcoal back as well , so maybe I 'll throw the extras into a little doll / charity quilt . Now , I just have to figure out the quilting ! I 've recently enrolled in Angela Walters ' Craftsy class and bought her book , plus I 've been whipping out lots of charity quilt tops , so I think I 'm finally going to really try to become proficient in free motion quilting . I might even take a vacation day to tackle it . . . I 'm that excited ! So , we 've had a really tough couple of wee s . We lost our cat , Pilgrim , one week ago , and it has been absolutely devastating to s . I 'm hoping that writing about the entire sad experience will help me process it , since I can 't seem to get past it ( though it has only been a week , so I 'm not surprised that I 'm constantly bursting into tear Pilgrim started acting a bit strangely a little more than 2 weeks ago , and then exactly 2 weeks ago , she woke us in the night meowing in a very pitiful way while she was trying to use the litter b x . She 'd not been as interested in eating as usual , so we called our wonderful veterinarian 's office on that Wednesday , and we got a Friday morning appointment to bring her n . Dr . Golden examined her and took a blood sample , but she was a little dehydrated and he couldn 't get a urine sample , so I took her home to watch her and wait for her to use her re - jiggered litter box so I could grab the samp e . When we got home , I 'd chided myself that we had over - reacted , since she was happily eating her tuna treat , sitting on my lap , and seemed back to her old se f . Late that afternoon , I got a frantic call from my husband asking me if I could get her in the crate by myself and meet him at the vet because she was in kidney failu e . My grandfather 's kidneys failed when he was dying , so just those words had a lot of baggage for me , and I could barely call Bryan 's mom to tell her the news through my tea Pilgrim was an angel , tolerating the twice / day fluid treatments , medications , etc . , and she 'd actually eaten pretty well on Friday and Saturday , but by Sunday she lost interest in her new food , and we spent pretty much all of our long Labor Day weekend holding and petting her and trying not to freak out completely . She wasn 't interested in playing , but she was happy to be pet and sit on our laps or in her favorite spot on our bed and she was no longer waking us with pitiful cries over the weekend , so we were hopeful that we were getting her better . She woke me up very early on Tuesday morning just to be pet and loved on , and for once , I didn 't mind the pre - dawn snuggle . . . I am grateful we had that time now . Well , when her kidney function results came back , they were even worse , despite giving her an entire iv bag full of fluid over 4 days , so he had us take her to the emergency vet hospital in Annapolis so she could have iv fluids overnight , as well as starting her on a new antibiotic . We were a wreck , of course , but got her over there and spoke to the doctor there , and she seemed hopeful that Pilgrim could make it through this infection . We went to dinner with my mother - in - law , Margery , who lives in Annapolis and takes care of Pilgrim for us when we are out of town ( and we did pretty well . . . only started crying once during dinner ) . We were supposed to go home , but I wanted to go back to the hospital for the evening visitor hours , and the vet there came out and told us that they 'd done an x - ray while we were at dinner and had seen some masses that concerned them and that one of her kidneys was very enlarged , which is the opposite of what they expected . I thought the worst , but she still seemed very hopeful , which , in retrospect , I wish she hadn 't shared , as that really got my hopes up . We got home , and it felt so weird to be in the house . It was Pilgrim 's first night away from home since I 'd met her two and a half years ago , and I could barely sleep without my baby pressing up against me ( which is what she did every night ) . On Wednesday afternoon , they sedated her to do an ultrasound and take a biopsy ( and to be able to examine her , since she was apparently not very cooperative with the strangers at the clinic . . . go figure that she 'd finally had enough of being poked and prodde ) . They found that she had pretty extensive lymphoma in her kidneys , lesions in her intestines , and after talking to Dr . Golden , we determined that chemotherapy was not a kindness , since it was not likely to be successful and would not be pleasant for h r . We went to pick her up , hoping that we 'd have at least a few more days with her , but in the meantime , she 'd also ended up with fluid in her lungs and was having difficulty breathi g . After seeing how bad it was when we got to the hospital , we didn 't want to have her in distress overnight , so we talked to Dr . Golden and he was going to come by at 8 : 30 or 9 p . m . so that we could have a few more hours with h r . We 'd hoped that her difficulty breathing would ease up when we got her home to her familiar surroundings , and she seemed alright on the car ride home in Bryan 's ar s . But , when we got her inside , she was having difficulty walki g . She had no interest in her favorite treats ( that we had just ordered a dozen bags of ) , and it was clear that she was uncomfortab Those couple of hours were probably the saddest hours of my whole life . We tried to pet her , to let her be on the bed where she was normally comfortable ( but she didn 't seem to want to be there ) , and we tried to let her lay by the back door to look out the window , which is something she always liked , but she was just clearly not herself , and we finally called Dr . Golden and asked if he could come earlier . We didn 't want her to suffer just so we could have longer to say goodbye . Dr . Golden is a saint . I can 't say enough about how grateful we are to him . He spent so much time with her and us after hours ( until after 7 on Friday night ) , calling us on Saturday morning to check in , talking to us on Labor Day when we were concerned about her appetite , and then talking to us extensively on Tuesday and Wednesday . On Wednesday night , he came to our house , moving very slowly and quietly so Pilgrim wouldn 't be scared . He was so gentle with her and with us . When we were as ready as we could be , he gave her a shot through her IV to sedate her , and then he gave her the second shot that was the euthanasia , explaining everything in advance and then again as he was doing it . Bryan held her so that she could see both of us as she passed , and we petted her and hoped that we had made her as comfortable as possible . It was surprisingly peaceful , and then Bryan insisted that I leave the room for whatever had to happen next ( listening to make sure that there was no heartbeat and preparing to take her away for cremation ) . Of course , as soon as Dr . Golden left with her , we both totally lost it . Bryan has had Pilgrim in his life for more than 14 years . In fact , the only person with whom he has shared a roof longer is his Mom . Bryan 's ex - wife had found Pilgrim and Mojo as kittens at a junkyard in Alabama . They were probably too young to be separated from their mothers , who were nowhere to be found , and Bryan had to bottle feed her , teach her how to use a litter box , everything . He had a baby album with her kitten pictures in it . And when his ex - wife left him , Pilgrim kept him going and gave him a reason to get up every day . She took care of him as much as he took care of her . She was his baby girl , and he would have walked through fire for her . I 'm allergic to cats , and when I first met Pilgrim , I wasn 't so sure about her . But after our first few visits , I could see what Bryan saw in her , and as our relationship grew , I realized I 'd fallen in love not just with Bryan , but with Pilgrim , too . I never thought I could get so attached to a cat , but I 've realized that Pilgrim wasn 't " a cat " - she was our baby , and I miss her so very much that it hurts . We will probably get another cat in a few years ( once we 've had a baby and the child is old enough not to hurt a kitten ) , but I don 't think any future cat could ever live up to Pilgrim 's sweetness . I am a foodie / artist trapped in a lawyer 's body . I love to cook and bake , and I 'm always looking for new inspiration . I 'm also working on a number of new sewing and quilting projects until I can set up my own pottery studio again , so that , in theory , I can be the first non - professional to win both Top Chef and Project Runway ( and the upcoming hit sensation on Bravo , Top Potter ) . Until that glorious day comes , I hope to enjoy myself and entertain my friends with wonderful food and some cool fabric creations ! |
Mowing the lawn in 90 degree heat and 99 degree humidity is never fun , but there are a lot of chores in life that aren 't fun . ( Linda likes some chores , like cleaning the wood floors and vacuuming . ) She was determined to mow after church before she sat down and got lazy . She was sweating buckets and the grass blowing out the side of the mower was stinging her eyes . She mowed most of the time with her eyes shut . Just like last week , it took her 30 minutes to stop sweating after her shower . While she was mowing , the neighbor behind her was mowing his yard too . He was using a riding mower though . Linda finished in 1 / 2 the time ! She likes to go as fast as she can with no breaks to get her heart rate up and burn extra calories . I bet Penelope would love her own little lawn mower . Some of them actually blow bubbles while you push them . It would be way cool if grown - up mowers were equipped with bubble blowers . It would make the whole process much more fun ! ( Linda ate lunch on the deck and read her book for awhile this afternoon . It looks like its about to rain , so she had to come back inside . ) Posted by Since Thursday , Linda hasn 't watched any TV . Not because she is giving it up or because the TV is broken , it 's because she would rather sit outside and read . She is like a little kid with a new bike except it 's 4 chairs and a table . The mosquitoes are pretty bad and she has bites on her legs , arms and face , but it was worth it . Tomorrow she has to buy a few of those bug - b - gone candles . It was hard leaving the cozy deck , but a certain hyper dog needed some exercise . Besides her 3 classes today , Linda took Chimi on a long , fast walk this evening . She wanted to get 10 miles in , and she made it to just over to 10 . 1 . Using the pedometer and the My Fitness Pal app on the iPhone has been so much fun . Both really encourage her to move more and eat healthier . Its free to download ! Penelope 's BBF 's Mommy took this picture of Penny during one of their picnics . Linda just loves how she running down the ramp with such purpose ! She looks like she is training for her first 5K . She is such a strong girl , if she wore Linda 's pedometer , I bet she would clock in 10 miles too ! They could be Fitness Pals . Go Penny Go ! We all are so happy with our new deck furniture . Linda loves that she has a table and chair so she can eat her meals outside . Chimi and I love the shade that the giant umbrella casts . Our backyard is treeless , so the only shade is under the deck or in some bushes . We 've all been sitting on the deck this afternoon while Linda ate , read and studied . She is so happy to finally have a real ( and pretty ! ) outdoor set . Before she can have people over , she has to get a company to come and check the sturdiness of the deck . It was built before Tierney was born ( over 26 years ago ) and its never had any maintenance work done to it . She is afraid that it might collapse under a lot of weight . You can also get wicked splinters if you go out barefoot . Taylor did spray stain it about 6 years ago and the steps have been replaced , but there are holes and rotting boards on the flooring . Ms . Handy - Woman ( not ) Linda subbed an extra class today . You would think one extra class wouldn 't be an issue , right ? On Tuesdays she teaches four classes and can stay awake until 10 p . m . Today wiped her out . For some reason , it 's only 6 : 53 p . m . and she can 't keep her eyes open . Its one of those times when your eyes burn to look from side - to - side . She is so tired that she is going to bed right now . All four limbs and her head feel like they are filled with concrete . Just to be sure we don 't have an accident on the floor , she is going to set the alarm for midnight to let us outside . I guess you could call it a nap and then straight to bed instead of saying a grown - up is going to bed at 7 p . m . She is also going to turn off her phone , so if you call . . . she is OK . She 'll be up bright and early by 5 a . m . If it 's not raining , she is going to take us for a walk while its still cool . Precious Penelope napping when she b ' little . Posted by There have been a lot of missing pets in our neighborhood in the past few months . Signs have been up for two missing dogs , a cat and a parakeet . ( Pretty sure the parakeet just flew the coop and wasn 't nabbed . ) Linda has been very careful not to leave Chimi out in the yard while she is gone , even with the fence gate locked . There have been sightings of bobcats and even bears in our county . Most likely its a pet - napper in our town Stealing someones pet is just so wrong . Linda lost an orange kitty once named Pumpkin . It was partially her fault though . The cat used to follow Linda and Snickers on the trail and walk for miles with them , just like she was on a leash . One day she went outside and never came home . She was very friendly , so maybe she just made herself at home with another family . There are no pictures of Pumpkin , so here is a Beanie Baby orange cat . Today 's news was a little odd though . Some pets went missing , except they weren 't cats or dogs . They were fish . Two men , dressed as pond maintenance workers , stole 400 Koi fish from a pond right in our town . It was at an office center that had a park and pond in the middle of the courtyard . The only description of the men is that they were in their 50 's ; wearing sunglasses and one man was fat . Little Koi are inexpensive , but big Koi can cost from $ 100 - $ 1 , 000 each . I had no idea there was a black - market for pet fish . If you think of a better fish title . . . Let minnow . Great Day ! Linda took Penelope on a little off - road walk today to a fun park . It 's a good think that the Bob stroller can do dirt trails . She tried to get Penny to go on the little slide , but she wasn 't interested in that one at all . She wanted to do the big slide that was about 8 ' off the ground . That meant that Linda climbed up with her and went down the slide . . over and over and over . Check out Linda 's new ( to her ) deck furniture . It 's so pretty and fits perfectly . She can 't wait to be sit out there with her coffee in the morning . I 'm surprised she didn 't make me sit on the chair when she took the photo . Severe thunderstorms are predicted this afternoon , so Linda said there will be no walk today ( unless its dry after she gets home later tonight . ) That 's fine with me . It 's so hot that I had to be carried down the deck steps since the heat / humidity makes my asthma kick in . Just losing the 1 pound has helped my breathing , but the hot weather ( or if I get really excited about seeing someone ! ) makes me wheeze and gasp . Linda isn 't happy about her lunch today . She splurged on a frozen pizza that turned out to be terrible . California Kitchen has a freezer brand that usually are pretty good . Since she eats 1 / 3 of the pizza at a time , it only works out to about $ 2 . 50 a serving . Except she is throwing the rest of it in the trash . How could you mess up Roasted Vegetable pizza ? By smothering it in a white wine sauce . She didn 't read the fine print . There was a bottle of wine on the front of the box , but she just assumed it was a suggestion " this would taste good with white wine . " Nope , the pizza tasted like she was sucking on the cork of a bottle of Chardonnay . I guess if you like to drink white wine while you are eating your pizza , it might be fine . I hated my lunch today too . Linda was out of chicken to mix with our wet food so she used part of a can of tuna . Chimi gobbled his down but I wouldn 't eat mine and just kept pacing and whining over the bowl trying to get it to turn to chicken . He ended up eating mine . I 've been sadly nibbling on dry food to sate my hunger . It was way too hot to walk earlier today . Linda is going to take us later tonight after she finishes watching Extreme Weight Loss . It 's such a good show and yes , she has teared up a few times . It makes her feel horrible for whining about how hard it is to lose 5 pounds . This guy lost over 100 pounds in the first 90 days , is working out like a beast and he only has one arm . Linda was dragging in tonight after teaching all her classes , so tired she contemplated going right to bed without eating . ( Her Fitness Pal tracking system said she was at a negative 34 calories for the day , so she had to eat dinner . ) After eating , she is feeling better and more energetic . Plus , her pedometer watch is reading only . 8 from her normal 10 mile Tuesday , so she has to walk us ! ( OK , now she is really crying . The guy just rode 43 miles on a bike in honor of his Uncle who died earlier in the month at only 43 years old . He had a bad crash but got back on the bike to finish the ride . His 9 month weigh in : down 208 pounds . Over half of his body weight . Now the show producers are giving him a new bionic arm ! . . . . . No wait , it might not work . . . . Sniff - Sniff . ) Posted by Penny had a picnic lunch with 3 of her BFF 's today . It was also the first time she ever tried an Oreo cookie . Based on how she is stuffing her face , I think she liked it ! Who doesn 't like cookies though ? Ever since Linda decided that Chim and I needed to lose weight , we only get a small cookie - treat twice a week . I 'm so much slimmer now . Linda had to use my puppy harness for the walk tonight . My newer harness ( 3 years old ) is too big . Chimi has also slimmed down and is looking mighty fine . Linda has lost weight too ! A few pairs of her favorite jeans are too big now . I guess giving up french fries , pizza and daily desserts works . She still has a small treat now and then , but the key word is small . I wonder if they shared their cookies with the geese ? This weekend there was a " Super Moon " in the sky . Translated it must mean " Crazy Chimi . " He has been acting weirder than normal . His new thing to be afraid of : Linda drinking her morning smoothie . He is petrified of the drink going up the thick straw into her mouth . On Friday , Linda made a little slurp sound while he was napping next to her and he freaked out . The sonic - sound of the Ninja blender pulverizing the frozen fruit doesn 't bother him a bit though . Next , he was wary of the grass clippings on his ball in the backyard . Linda mowed the grass ( he was fine and sunned on the deck during the loud noise ) but when she went to play ball with him after he didn 't like the strands of grass on his ball . He tried playing fetch , but kept dropping it and backing away from the ball like it was on fire . " I just want to stay under the covers on Linda 's lap the rest of my life " I already told you that he is afraid of the plate that Linda feeds him off of . She had to change to putting his chicken in his emptied water bowl . If the food was on a flat plate , he would back away from it and bark . If Linda could part with him for a few weeks , Chimi would be an ideal candidate to to to Cesar 's Dog Ranch and learn how not to be such a chicken - dog . On the plus side , he is learning to love all dogs and not be afraid of them . He is also open to meeting any new people and will give them 100 licks on the face to prove his love ! Posted by It 's been a long Saturday for Linda . She 's home and in her pj 's ready for some reading and bed . This morning 's Aqua Boot Camp class seems like it was a week ago , not 12 hours ago . She had to attend the Gold 's all - staff meeting today at 2 : 00 in the traffic - construction nightmare place , but Yay ! there wasn 't any traffic at all . The rehire process was painless and she got to see an old friend . The worst part was that her morning shake at 8 : 00 didn 't quite carry her all the way through classes , the meeting and grocery shopping after . She was lightheaded and queasy from lack of food . It 's OK though , she made up for missing lunch with a yummy dinner and a small cup of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream for dessert . After eating she rallied enough to take Chimi for a walk . Since Jerry took us this morning , I didn 't want to go again . One walk a day is enough for me . My little legs are so short that I have to take 10 steps to Chimi 's one step . Linda 's favorite part of the day was opening her email and finding fun pictures of Penelope ! Penny loves to play in the rain . Sarah is the coolest Mom ever and lets her sit in puddles and splash . This is her sad face because the rain stopped . " Get off your cell phone and drive already ! " There are people that have to deal with work / traffic / job stress every day . Sometimes Linda reads Facebook posts of friends that have super demanding jobs that keep them chained to a desk for 12 hours a day . Some have to sit in traffic hours to and from work . Linda is spoiled with her fun job and short , easy commutes . The longest drive is three Body Pump or Combat songs . ( Every driving or walking distance is measured in song lengths . A long dog walk is 10 songs , a short walk 4 songs . She is always practicing for a current or new release . ) Teaching is so fun and rewarding , she loves every single class and has easy drives . So today , it was very strange that Linda had a frustrating afternoon / evening because of work stuff . One of her gyms is being bought out by Gold 's Gym . This is a good thing , except that Linda has to go through the re - hire process with the new owners . She wasted 2 hours driving in bad traffic , detours , construction , accident back - ups , getting lost , paying tolls , paying for parking only to have to go through it all again tomorrow to attend a mandatory meeting / orientation at a Marriott Hotel in a very busy city . Blah . Thursday 's are Linda 's easy day . She only has two or three classes to teach ; and only one of those is demanding . The Kid Fit class at 9 : 30 is one of her favorites . When she got to the Kids Club to pick up her class , some of the girls were waiting for her with beaming smiles . They had made " I love you Miss Linda / You 're the best teacher ever " cards and drawings . It made her so happy to read them all ! They were bouncing up and down with excitement as she read them . Plus , she had two younger teenage girl helpers today which made it more fun . Five minutes into the class the stereo broke , so they had to improvise and play games instead . Even the gym 's General Manager stopped in to play a round of Duck - Duck - Goose and Sharks and Minnows . After class she got to visit with Penny . Sarah didn 't have any chores or errands to do , but she did go for a run while Linda fed Penelope lunch . Penelope , age 14 months Whew , it 's 10 p . m . and Linda is finally home . She has been gone all afternoon and evening too . For her job , she is required to have not only a CPR certification , but a First Responder First Aid certification too . She is now able to treat you if you have frostbite ; hypothermia ; heat exhaustion / stroke ; a snake bite ( including pit vipers ) ; all types of insect and animal bites ; get stung by a jellyfish ; have an open fractures ; get an object embedded in the eye / body ; have internal organs hanging out ; get electrocuted , fall off a ladder ; sever a body part ; drink poison ; treat shock ; deal with severe allergic reactions to food ; treat any type of burn ; have a gunshot wound ; crash your car ; get stabbed with a knife or go into diabetic shock . I 'm sure she is forgetting some because her brain is pretty much fried from the class and exam . She did get 100 % on the written and passed the practical , so maybe she should consider a career change and be an EMT . Not really , just watching the videos of the scenarios was freaking her out a bit ( especially the stick impaled in the eyeball one . ) Hopefully the 911 folks will be there before she ever has to find the missing arm ; put it it in a plastic bag , wrap it in some newspaper and put it in a cooler full of ice . She wants to take another First Aid class that 's geared just to children and infants . There are also pet CPR / First Aid classes . Might as well make it a trifecta and do all three . Posted by The 25th annual World 's Ugliest Dog competition is being held this weekend in California . I 've seen the pictures of the contestants , and I wouldn 't have a chance of winning . If Linda lets my fur grow out and I 'm having a particularly bad day ; I might qualify though . When I was little and had a lot of daily seizures , it caused my tongue to hang out sideways most of the time . For pictures , Linda tries to stuff it back behind my teeth , but it always lolls back out eventually . That seems to be the common denominator with the winning dogs : a tongue hanging out and bad hair . The Don King look There are also plenty of adorable pictures of me . I actually won a " Cutest Chorkie " contest once and got a doggie tee shirt as a prize . And if you google " World 's Cutest Chorkie " I have two photos on the first page of hits . That proves I 'm not ugly , right ? I wonder what happened to this hat ? It 's never a good idea to google a medical condition . The first thing you do is self - diagnose the absolute worse possible scenario . There are more bruises on Linda 's bicep . The old ones had faded and then " wham ! " a new big bruise . It 's probably because shes such a toughie she doesn 't realize that some gruesome troll hiding under the bed is pinching her while she sleeps . . . . Or . . . . Dr . Google says it could be from rigorous strength training causing tears in blood vessels ; especially in athletes : ) But why is it just one arm since she curls a bar with plates ? It could also be from weird supplements , but shes not taking any . Lack of some vitamins or folic acid seem unlikely since she is eating so healthy now . Scarier causes : a bleeding or clotting disorder ; liver disease , lupus , cancer or myleloma ( she 'll have to google that last one , but maybe not . ) It takes a whole lot worse than some bruises to get Linda to go to a doctor . She walked around ( and taught a bunch of fitness class each week ) for a year with a totally torn ACL in her knee . It would have been her 3rd ACL replacement on the same knee and she was kind of done with the whole surgery and rehab thing . She waited until she couldn 't walk without a cane and then got a total knee replacement . Since her ACL 's weren 't lasting , she figured she would just do the whole shebang at once . She 's thinking the real cause is not enough Sweet Frog in her diet . She 's only been 2 times in probably 4 months ! Posted by Penny sure loves her Daddy and she was sure to show him lots of attention on Father 's Day . He 's really an amazing Dad to her and great husband to Sarah ( oh , and don 't forget great son ! ) Even though he works a full time job , is getting his Master 's degree , commits a lot of time to church and serving others , and is training for a 50 mile race . . . he still seems to make his little family one of his top priorities . At 14 months , Penny is already saying so many words ! Every time Linda sees her , she surprises her with something new . So far Linda hasn 't heard her put two words together ( like : Nana , Up ! ) but she says them one at a time . She is skilled at letting you know exactly what she wants , even if she doesn 't know the word for it yet . I 'm sure the first complex sentence she says will be " Nana , show me a video of Choopie barking . " Right now , she just points at Linda 's phone and says " Choop . " Linda volunteered to watch Penny tonight while her Mommy and Daddy had a date night . Remember Thursday when I blogged how much she was changing ? She grew - up even more in just two days . Her new favorite thing is carrying a purse . It 's filled with all sorts of " big girl " things like ( outdated ) credit cards , a cell phone , compact , and other important items . One thing it must have been missing was a hair brush . She puts the purse on her shoulder , waves and says " Bye - Bye ! " They took a long walk , ate a snack , reviewed all the pictures and videos on the iPhone , read books , watched Tarzan and eventually Penny had a bath and got in her jammies . Just in case you missed your daily picture of Chim cuddling with Linda . . here is today 's . He is now sucking on his paw since he doesn 't have a woobie anymore . Posted by Chimi update : Chimi was so happy to see Tierney last night that he was actually smiling at her . As soon as she got here , she spent some floor time with both of us . After a few minutes of Tier hugs , I wandered off to nap . Chimi was 100 % focused on her the entire time she was here . She had an online - conference work call she had to be on from 8 - 9 : 30 p . m . The whole time she worked on her laptop , Chimi stared at her with a smile on his face waiting for even a second of attention . Linda is not sure why he is so attached . She had moved to her own house by the time we adopted Chim . He always loves visitors and shows them lots of attention , but it was different with Tierney . He really adores her . Maybe she 'll come over on a Saturday afternoon and we can all go on a trail walk . ( hint - hint ! ) Bruise update : No new bruises on Linda 's arm today . Penny update : She is having a blast riding in the baby bike seat on the back of Sarah 's bike . They are riding everywhere . ( We have to get some pictures of her on the bike . ) The predicted storm was a wash - out . We had a few minutes of driving rain , and then it stopped . The wind didn 't even move the chairs on the deck or blow any branches down . Tierney and some of Linda 's friends lost power , but it only blinked a second and then came back on at our house . There were a bunch of people missing from Linda 's Body Pump class this afternoon . The tornado warning was still in effect , so some regulars stayed home . There were still 30 people who braved the rain and dark skies . Penny has changed so much in the last 2 weeks . She is copying words now , and says so many things . Today she said " up " so Linda would carry her ; ball ; Nana ; . . . . oop ( not the Ch part - but she knows my picture . For Chimi 's photo , Linda thinks she says " pup . " ) She also kind of said Tierney only it came out like " turnee " or something . As soon as Linda gets to Penny 's house , she 'll start grabbing for Linda 's purse . The very first thing she wants to do is look at the photos on the iPhone . Her favorite are videos of Chim and I barking . She knows how to swipe to the next photo and how to press the play button on videos . When the camera is flipped so she can see herself , she loves to make faces ( Tierney just stopped in for a visit ! She did these captions for me . Whole trees blew over at her house and one landed on a neighbors car . Her street was even blocked by downed trees . She is only a 5 minute drive from us . ) Linda has been puzzled by some mystery bruises on her arms . At first she was blaming Penny because she likes to pinch the skin on Linda 's arms . She thinks its funny when Linda goes " OUCH ! " The three bruises she had were fading , but today . . . two new ones showed up and it wasn 't Penelope 's fault . It 's only on her right bicep . What could it be from ? There was an article on the National Geographic website that explained how dogs can have OCD ( obsessive compulsive disorder ) just like people . Well , duh ! Linda could have told you that without a lot of fancy - pants research . Chimi has the worst OCD ever . This is just a partial list of some of his repetitive behaviors : nail chewer ; blanket sucker ; toy destroyer ; and rabbit poop eater . Other weird things : He has to be under the covers with Linda , not on top of the blanket . If he 's not under the covers , he cries and cries while pawing at the blanket . Seriously , he has a nervous breakdown . He won 't eat off certain plates . He creeps up to the plate low to the ground , and reaches out his neck as far as he can to get a nibble . Then he runs away and hides to eat it . When Linda uses a plate he likes , he 'll gobble down his food in 34 seconds . Some days , he 's afraid of basically everything during his walk . Leaves , plastic bags , trashcans , bikes , strollers , newspapers laying in the driveway . Other days , he 'll walk by them perfectly fine . Even with all his issues , Chimi is really a sweet and loving dog . He is very gentle with Penny and knows just how hard its OK to play with me . " Don 't look at me " There is actually a book series about a Chihuahua detective ? When Linda pulled in the driveway tonight , she could hear us barking from inside the house . This was very mysterious because we are always sleeping when she gets home on Tuesday night . She raced in because the barking was so intense and scary she thought something had happened to one of us . There wasn 't any injuries or bad people hiding in the house ( at least she hopes not . She hasn 't checked behind the shower curtains yet . Tier , you know what she 's talking about . ) Nope , we were just starving and barking for chicken . We ate breakfast early this morning and she didn 't get home until 8 : 15 tonight so it was kind of an emergency . One of the great things about Linda 's job is that she gets to teach little kids . A few of her classes have kids as young as 2 . Some of the things she hears about their lives are hysterical . She 's learned this week from a 4 year old what baby birdie - eggs are and how you have to be really careful with them . ( Think sparring protection . ) Linda could fill a whole blog with funny lines and " private " moments parents don 't know their kids are sharing with everyone in class . Don 't worry , your secrets are safe with her . Bad weather is predicted for the coming days . Tornadoes touched down not to far from us on Sunday . Today the weatherman said that maybe , a derecho could happen again . Remember last year when the derecho storm came up out of nowhere ? It was so scary that Linda actually took us into a room with no windows . Sorry , nothing newsworthy happened today so it was just a filler post . Posted by I am a 5 - year old Chorkie . A Chorkie is half Chihuahua and half Yorkie . I used to weigh 1 1 / 2 pounds , now I am a whopping 6 . 2 pounds . I 'm trying to lose weight , but it is an uphill battle . I live with Linda , my human and Chimmie the Chihuahua . |
My sister and I have 3 horses that we trail ride - - a Morab , a Morgan and a Morgan mix . This blog is all about them . By the way , check out my two books " Trail Training for the Horse and Rider " and " Trail Horse Adventures and Advice . I also have the most adorable , loveable cat named Thunder . I call him a mini Maine Coon . He is the light of my life when things go wrong . He will always listen to me and try to comfort and cheer me up . He does a pretty good job of it , too . Ice everywhere . That is how it has been the last couple of weeks . We had snow , followed by rain and immediately followed by extreme cold . That left us with a thick layer of ice turned snow - - everywhere . We couldn 't even step out of the barn with the horses , let alone go on the trail . Things started to warm up , and slowly the ice began to melt . On Christmas morning , the driveway was passable . We had checked the hill on foot the day before , and it still needed a little more melting to be safe . Ellen didn 't plan to take Dante out . When he is barn bound for a while , he needs a good , outdoor turnout to get his brain back where it belongs . The outdoor turnout areas were all ice , so that was out of the question . We didn 't need him running on divoted ice . I was hopeful that I might be able to get Cole out a little bit . Ellen and I both worked the horses in the arena while Kevin cleaned his stall . He wanted to join me on the hill with Starry . When we were done , I brought Cole out to wait for Kevin . It was about 40 degrees out , which is very comfortable for December . We got down the driveway with no problem at all . There was enough dry patches that we never stepped a foot on ice . The top of the hill was pretty good , too . Once we got to the slope , it got a little more difficult . Ellen led the way on foot to check for the best parts of the trail . Cole was happy to follow her . She is his favorite trail companion . When we got to one narrow part of the trail , the trajectory we usually follow was icy . Cole needed to go to the other side of the trail - - but we absolutely never go there because it is stony . I told him to move over , and he hesitated . Ellen scooted over to the side and guided Cole to her with hand signals . He knew just what she wanted and stepped right where she pointed , the clear part of the trail was only about a foot wide , but Cole is just a pony , so it was effortless for him . Behind us , we heard Kevin say he was going to turn around and go back . Starry is the furthest thing from a pony , and Kevin felt it was too risky for the behemoth to squeeze through the narrow opening on the ice . The rest of the trip down the hill was fairly easy . Ellen and I just guided Cole to the best parts of the trail , and he happily complied . I think he enjoyed being outside , again . The shore of the river was still piled up with huge hunks of ice from the quick thaw a few weeks previously - - a sight we typically see only during the spring thaw . There will be no crossing the river unless we get large amounts of rain to flood them all away . One trip down the hill was enough for us . We turned around and looked up - - there was Starry - - just where we left him . He didn 't want to go home without Cole , so Kevin let him wait . Going up the hill was easier than going down because Cole could dig his feet into the ground . Our Christmas ride was a success . We were regularly riding out on the trail and having a great time . Then , the weather started getting cold . As is inevitable , the river started to freeze . Fine , we can just ride on the hill . Then we had some warm weather mixed with cold weather ; causing the driveway to freeze into a sheet of ice . If that wasn 't bad enough , it got reallly cold , followed by a heat spike which brought a lot of rain on top of all the snow - - then the temps plummeted . We now have an icy driveway , an icy hill and the banks of the river have piles of huge ice chunks that washed up when the flooding broke up the river . The river is freezing over , again , too . My first 2 rides in the arena with Cole didn 't go very well . My third ride felt like I was riding a stick of dynamite . I only trotted a few times because he exploded into the trot . We just walked about and did tricks . By the time we were done , I was able to trot a couple controlled steps at a time . I quit while I was ahead , untacked him and watched him run and jump about . I guess I should have done that first . The next time I tried again , I did have him run and play , first . It paid off . He felt like a normal horse . We just reviewed where we left off last year . He seemed to remember it all , and I was very happy with that ride . I did discover why dressage people love to do shoulder in so often . Don 't listen to them about suppling . Remember how I would get nervous on the far end ? When he is hyper , if I trot out of that corner down towards our barn door , he would try to take off for our door . I tried doing a shoulder in after that corner and it worked like magic . I felt brave because his head was already bent to the inside - - so I could circle him with ease if he tried any shenanigans , and he was focused on the exercise I was asking instead of bad thoughts . Being a clicker - trained horse , once he knew what I wanted , he had all the more reason to perform it well instead of going of on a literal tangent . Since then , he has been fairly well behaved in the arena . We continue to review old work and try to have as much fun as possible . Of course , we much prefer to be on the trail . Ellen lets me ride Dante in the arena a few days a week , too . I haven 't ridden him regularly in there since she broke her ankle , years ago . He is so much better , now . There is nothing to be frightened about riding him , inside . The worst that he will do is stall out and not want to go forward . He trots so smooth - - it is dreamlike . Dante is super responsive and very agile . His legs never get tangled up like Cole 's can at the trot . He does lack consistent lateral moves , and that is something I can work on with him this winter . The only thing that can rescue us from the arena right now is a huge thaw or a huge snowstorm to cover up all the ice . I prefer the thaw , of course . Until that happens , we will just make the best of it . We got just about an inch of snow overnight . Suddenly the bleak December landscape looked just a little bit prettier . We were going to meet Shari with Bella for a trail ride . I took Cole to meet her at the trailhead closest to her barn . We saw her prancing down the driveway and when she reached the street , she slammed on the brakes . She got startled by going from a white driveway to the black top ! We knew that this was going to be a challenging ride for her . She pranced over to Cole - - and then refused to step onto the trail unless he went first . Bella was afraid of the snow . Bella , the horse that insists on being leader , now needed Cole to show her the way . Shari told me that this was the very first time she rode Bella on the trail in the snow . Bella thought everything looked different , and it just wasn 't safe . We caught up with Kevin on Starry . They were about halfway down the hill , poking along . Bellas still followed Cole . The trail was frozen solid from the day before , and there really wasn 't enough snow to soften it . There would be no trotting , today . Our trails freeze like cement , and though we see some people trotting and cantering on them , we are concerned in protecting our horses ' long - term soundness . There was no ice on the river , so we crossed with ease . Well , Bella was worried about it , so Cole went first . Bella was looking at everything . On the other side of the river , Cole had to lead , too . It was like some sort of " Twilight Zone " ride . As we rode along the fence which is right by the road , I told Shari we needed to be on the lookout for snowplows . If we heard one coming when we were in a bad spot like by the fence , we would need to scurry towards safety . Between going fast , making noises , spraying snow high into the air and scattering salt - - they were just too much for the best of horses . As soon as we got into the woods , Kevin warned us that a snowplow was coming . We stopped the horses and waited The plow was far enough away , but it made a loud noise and all of our horses jumped . Yes , snowplows are a risk . Bella gave one big spook when she approached a large boulder that was covered with snow . Of course , she knew that rock quite well , but it was different now . It could have been a horse - eating monster . About halfway down the trail , I stopped Cole to see if Bella would take the lead . Not only did she refuse to pass Cole , but she started to go backwards . Was this really the horse who wouldn 't let any other horse take the lead all summer for more than 30 seconds ? After some disagreement , Shari was able to get Bella to take the lead . Starry then insisted he follow her . Cole happily trailed behind . That lasted for about a minute , and then I found myself leading the pack , again . When we approached the next river crossing , where we planned to turn towards home , Bella happily took the lead . We figured she would do better on the way home , and she did . Most of the time , she was either next to Cole or right ahead of him . Now , the biggest issue was Starry crowding Cole , so he could get to his girlfriend . Once we started heading up the hill , Bella was more than happy to lead , and she got well ahead of us . She was going home . I 'm sure our next ride in the snow will be back to normal with Bella leading the way the whole time . The temperatures plummeted into the 30s for both our rides last weekend , but that didn 't stop us . Each morning all of us went out - - Ellen on Dante , Shari on Bella , Kevin on Starry and I was on Cole . We hadn 't ridden with Bella in a couple weeks . Shari keeps Bella down the street , and the trail entrance is between our two barns . As we got to the end of the driveway , we could see Bella prancing down the street towards us . The boys were just as thrilled to see her as she was to see us . On Saturday , when we were getting all mounted and assembled at the trailhead , Bella sniffed Starry 's nose . Ellen and I both saw a softening in Starry eyes . It was as if he fell in love with her at that moment . Over the summer , Starry seldom rode with us when we were with Bella , so this was his first close encounter . After that , he forgot all about his bromance with Dante - - it was all about Bella . That did offer a few complications because Cole and Dante feel Bella belongs to them . They all tried to be the one to follow Bella , but Starry kept working his way up to her . She didn 't seem to care ; as long as she had her boys with her , she was happy . She was also a little wound up about being on the trail for the first time in a while in the cool weather . Most of the time , she seemed alright , but she did do a fair amount of prancing . The boys just quietly followed her . When we trotted , Bella led , as always . Starry trotted along , right behind . I usually take that position . It can be a tricky one . Ideally , you don 't ' want to be too close so that when Bella spooks or misbehaves , we can stay out of the way . Kevin started to learn that . She is only disruptive for a few seconds . Sometimes , we need to stop for her to work it out , but there are a lot of times that we just need to slow down a bit and Shari gets her straightened out in no time . Kevin was learning how to do it . Bella was doing lots of spooking this weekend . Shari seems to have nerves of steel - - she literally takes it all in stride . While all of that was going on in the front , we had a different drama going on in the back of the pack . Dante has been getting wound up about horses getting too far ahead , and it has been intimidating Ellen . She isn 't used to it . She asked me to keep Cole slower so he could be closer to Dante . Cole , not a slow horse by nature , preferred to be up front . I told Ellen that he would do it for her , though . Sometimes it seems like Cole would walk through fire for her if she asked him to . I told her to keep talking to him and praising him . What followed was the most amazing thing . We trotted along . I asked Cole to slow up his speed , and he reluctantly did . Then , Ellen started talking to him and telling him how good he was . Every time he heard her voice , his ears would turn back to listen to her and I would feel him willingly cooperate with my request to stay closer to them then his friends up ahead . I think he just wanted to be by Ellen . When she would stop talking , his ears went forward and he picked up the speed - - until he heard her voice , again . On Sunday , Bella got just a little too excited while trotting , and we decided walking would be the smarter gait . Shari brought Bella back to Dante , and they were able to successfully work with Bella at a walk - - following Dante . Clicker helped , of course . Next summer , that is going to be our big project - - teaching Bella to quietly follow other horses . We know it won 't be easy , but with clicker , anything is possible ; given time and patience . The rides were cold , of course . I ended up getting off and leading to stay warm . Everyone else was tougher than me , but I was warmer than them . Winter riding offers its challenges , but as long as it isn 't too cold , it is still better than riding in the arena . And since we have a river that freezes and blocks us from most of the trails for weeks or even months at a time , we have to get out there when we can . That wasn 't the end of the story . Over the next few weeks , he improved a lot , but he never completely recovered . I have had way more experience with abscesses than the average person because of Mingo 's chronic abscess , so I knew this wasn 't normal . About a week before the farrier was supposed to come out to trim him , he took a turn for the worse . We decided not to call the vet out , again , since she wasn 't much help the last time . Instead , we waited to see what Ken would say when he trimmed his hoof . Ellen was at work , so I handled it on my own . I explained to Ken the problem . It took him all of 20 seconds to find the cause of Ranger 's discomfort . Ranger had a pus pocket between the inner sole and the outer sole of his hoof . Ken trimmed back his outer sole about a half inch and the fluid drained out . There wasn 't much there . It probably got caught there when Ranger was abscessing and the pus was trying to find a way out of his hoof . It busted out the heel , but this bit in his sole didn 't drain out . This is why we were so disappointed the vet didn 't establish draining out the bottom of the hoof . Ken said he should be significantly better in a couple of days . Of course , he would have a tender foot because Ken took so much sole off . There was actually a slit about 2 inches long between the soles . Well , Ranger didn 't get much better at all . A hole formed at the tip of his frog that led to the gap between the soles . That whole area seemed tender . He got so bad , that we couldn 't take him on any form of a walk . Ellen didn 't know what to do . Was it another abscess ? It seemed serious enough to be one . After 2 weeks , she decided it was time to call our farrier and get some advice . Better than advice , the farrier came out that very morning to look at Ranger 's hoof . He checked it with hoof testers and ruled out another abscess . He ended up cutting off all of the outer sole in the sore area ; thinking that stepping on that remaining section of hoof was causing the pain . Ranger was instantly 15 % better when they put him back in his stall . Of course , he sole is now very , very thin in the sore area . Ellen wrapped it up with vet wrap and a stall boot . Ken said to call in a week and let him know how he was . I was out to see the boys that night , and I took Ranger for a short walk in the indoor arena . To me , he seemed at least 20 % better , but 20 % better was still pretty bad . He was walking fast , though , and that was a good sign . The following morning , Ellen and I took him out of the stall and walked a few laps around the indoor arena . We saw real improvement ! He wanted to go outside , so we cautiously bought him out on the hard ground . Yes , he was up to 40 % The next day , we took him outside and walked him about 15 minutes . Ranger was so excited , he even tried trotting . This was more than he had done in at least a week . He only had a slight head bob . We are going to ease him back into his old program of hand walking every day , again . He needs the boot to protect his sole , and he is wearing it in his stall , too . Eventually , we will only put it on during his walks . A Happy Starry Kevin has owned Starry D for a few years , now . He is a really good horse for Kevin . He 's friendly , gentle and usually list . . . I figured out what our dog is . She is a Sprollie - - a Border Collie / Spaniel mix . Whether she was intentional or an accident , we will never k . . . I only had enough daylight to ride Cruise on trail . We went with my boyfriend and Starry . It was a very nice ride . When I got back , I d . . . |
Got my latest HCG reading this week . I had my D & E 2 weeks ago and the demise was at least a week before that . My stubborn body still shows an HCG level of 30 . I could pee on a stick and still get a clear positive today . I am to go back a few days after Christmas for another test . I haven 't had a period yet , and they don 't expect one until I get down to zero or at least close to it . I am already approved for another cycle through their clinic but they want to run a million more tests to see why we keep losing babies . Next cycle they want to add baby aspirin in case there is a clotting issue . I have had a clot previously but I have been tested 3 times and never had a number that indicates an increase in clotting likelihood . I don 't know how I feel on the whole subject . I am feeling much better mentally the last couple of days . I have gotten to a stage where I can think about things I enjoy and smile . I built a soft box this week and have been playing with it for a few days . It is a way to take pictures of small items with softer shadows than direct light . It looks awesome and I am happy that I built it myself . I have a good lens but the box I build is too small to use the good lens , but it takes a great picture with my little point - and - shoot . I am trying to look to the things that give me some joy . It isn 't always easy and I took a picture of H with a friend 's baby that broke my heart . He loves her and all babies so much that I feel terribly guilty that I cant ' provide that to him . I apologized to him last night and he tells me that I don 't need to apologize but then I see the picture of her asleep on his chest and I get so sad . I had my previous D & C last year exactly at this time , and really it makes the holidays completely unpleasant . We boycotted the whole thing this year . No tree , no decorations , no joy . Minimal presents to everyone . So far , not really my favorite time of the year . Posted by Shopping today for presents , I spent hours in stores just walking around . Somehow I kept ending up in the baby sections . I had to go by the maternity clothes to get to the fitting rooms , and my nieces sizes are on the other side of baby clothes . It was sad and difficult . The worst part was that I haven 't been feeling too bad . I have been a little crampy but not horrible , so I thought physically I was doing well . After a couple of hours in the store , I felt horrible . Hot , sweaty , nausea , cramping . I had to sit down in the aisle for a while . I always have a book with me , so I just sat on a shelf and read for a while . I finished up and have been on the couch for the rest of the afternoon . I can 't bear to wrap the presents yet . I can 't really stand to look at them yet . I will try again this weekend . I would like to be all done with christmas stuff by next week , though we haven 't done anything for our card list yet , so that might be an enthusiastic goal . I vetoed a tree this year . I am usually the one who wants the biggest tree , usually much bigger than our ceiling can hold . We still have huge scrapes on our ceiling from a tree a few years ago that we had to cut almost 2 ' off the top . And it still barely made it in the room . This year , I can 't bear it . I don 't want any of that stuff in my house . I don 't want all the ornaments and glitter everywhere when I feel like this . If we had a child , of course I would pull myself together but we don 't so why should I have to fake it in my own house . Time to think about other people . . . We have a friend with a health problem . He has been in the hospital for quite a while and he has had a transplant be rejected . He has already gotten a second transplant but his wife and doctors are concerned . If you pray , please do , or just send good thoughts his way . Posted by So my D & C became a D & E which uses vacuum instead of cutting . Apparently this is supposed to be a little easier on my body . In respect to the procedure , it seems to have been . I do love my clinic , the only downside is that they are so busy that we were away from home for over 8 hours yesterday . We left at 10am for a 12 : 30 procedure which didn 't get started until 2 : 30pm . I guess I was in the room for about 15 minutes total and spent the rest of the afternoon ' recuperating ' . I was a bit lightheaded but not really feeling much pain . Last night was painful and crampy but not so much that pain killers were necessary . Just uncomfortable . I guess now is just the recovery time . Physically my body isn 't bad . I have a little extra weight , but nothing unusual for a cycle . Everything that started to change due to pregnancy has already returned to normal . I just have to deal with the mental baggage now . I feel like this was all a dream , that I never really got pregnant . Like it was all a delusion . There is no proof that there was a child involved at all . The doctor sent the tissue for testing to determine if there was a chromosomal issue , but asked if we want the tissue returned to us afterward . Both H and I were in quick agreement , NO . Thank you , but no . I can 't imagine bringing the tissue home for a ' burial ' . That is not the kind of closure that I need in this case . Again , thanks to everyone for their thoughts and good wishes . So far things seem ok , and H is already talking about the next cycle . I am not ready to discuss that yet , but I guess we will see . Posted by Thank you all for all your support . You have been wonderful , and I truly appreciate it . We are really hanging in there this weekend . I have not been feeling well today , and can 't wait until Monday . I just want this to be over so I can begin to heal , mentally and physically . I just can 't believe that we are going to have to go through all this again . I keep feeling like this is a horrible joke that I will eventually wake up from . I keep going to sleep hoping that things will change , but they never do . Again , thank you for your kind words . Posted by Finally got the ' confirmation ' scan . We got squeezed into an 8 : 30 am appointment which means a 90 minute commute in traffic . It also meant we were in the first batch of people to be scanned and that means they hadn 't gotten behind schedule yet . We are confirmed for no heartbeat . The radiologist was quite nice , though she did say to the student " We are only doing this to see how far it got " yes , I can hear you . Still when it was over she turned the screen to us and showed us the final scan . She was very kind at that point . She pointed to where the heart is and showed up that there was no heartbeat . It was pretty clear , but the clearest thing was that you could totally see the little human in there . It was completely obvious where the head and arms were . It looked like Munch 's " Scream " , which really freaked me out . They left us in the room to collect ourselves with the screen on . I couldn 't stop staring at the screen so eventually H had to turn it away from me . I waited around all day , I was hoping they could squeeze me in for the D & C today , or at worst tomorrow but unfortunately I couldn 't get on the schedule until Monday . I am going to go out of my head carrying this for the next 4 days . I understand that it has died but somehow my body won 't let go . If it does happen ' naturally ' I was told by my nurse to ' scoop it up so they can do some testing on it ' . I swear to you , those were her words . I am a little mentally unsound today . I am mostly angry , which the therapist says is a stage of grief . I feel like I did everything and got so excited about this . Of course that means that the world needs to rip it away from me . So the score is Gravida - 2 Para - 0 . I am just going to hide for a while . Posted by 90 % , HA , I laugh in the face of 90 % success rate . Actually not so much laugh as sob hysterically for most of the rest of the day . Went to my gyno appointment today and he couldn 't find the heartbeat with the doppler so he sent me to another department for an ultrasound . She couldn 't find any heartbeat either . Everyone said that things couldn 't be better this time . We had an 8 - cell , grade 1 embryo . Our HCG numbers were pretty spectacular but still a failure . I feel like there is just a bare pin point of light entering my brain , everything else is just darkness . My brain feels like a grey fog . We had begun discussing names and needs last week . Now it is impossible for us to have a child before I turn 35 . Posted by Vacation was very nice , we didn 't do anything but sit on the beach for 5 days . H had a wonderful time , I was a bit bored , but he was really looking forward to doing nothing after working so hard recently that I didn 't want to stop him . It was nice overall , but we our flight was late returning and we didn 't get in until almost 11 pm on Tuesday night . On Wednesday we had to run around like crazies doing all the shopping for Thanksgiving . We were volunteered to do Thanksgiving this year by my mother . She claims that she doesn 't have enough room for everyone , but we have had quite a few people at her house before . I just think she doesn 't want to do it anymore and is pushing it on me . I am the only child who is close by that doesn 't have any children , so what else would I do ? It is alright , I don 't mind though H hates the cleanup . We actually ran 5 full loads of dishes in the dishwasher since last night and had to wash all the pots and serving dishes by hand . He was still washing dishes at 2 : 00 this afternoon . He is a very good cleaner , one reason I am such a lucky girl . The number of people kept changing , all the way up to Wednesday . On Wednesday I discovered that everyone who said they were not likely to come were coming . So we had a total of 16 adults and 4 kids . It was packed . H made a table top for our pool table out of plywood and it just fits 16 people around it . The plan was that the kids would sit at a different time , wouldn 't sit at all , or something . It turned out the one family was late and so they sat at a second sitting which staggered the seating a bit , making it all work out perfectly . It was fun , if overwhelming . There were a couple little ' family blowups ' but on the whole really quiet . Also , we got out of traveling to visit the MIL which is the first year ever and that might be one of the top things I am thankful for this year ! Still no pregnancy symptoms yet . I am still a little tired in the afternoons , but my hunger has really dissipated to very normal levels . My belly has gotten a little bigger bNicole I finally spoke to my OB , and I was in such a good mood . I was actually going to be able to call him my OB . That is a huge step forward for us . We chatted for a while and he was busting my chops a little , which is funny . I don 't mind being teased by him , he is a good guy and always means well . Then he dropped a little bomb . He feels that I will need to come in to see him every 2 weeks for the entire pregnancy , until the end when it will be weekly . He is concerned about a couple of older health problems that can predict some future issues , primarily miscarriage and early delivery . He wants to start the testing almost immediately , including some more genetic testing . He is affiliated with another big hospital in the Boston area , which is not the one I went to for my treatment . This is all a little disappointing . I was really hoping / thinking that maybe this pregnancy would be fairly uneventful and that I would be able to experience a little bit of being normal . HA , clearly that is not in the cards for me . Also , I was interviewing for a position and had my second interview yesterday . It seemed to have gone well , and I was to hear today . I am a bit over - qualified for the position , but it is 12 minutes from my house and less than 10 from my OB 's office , so that all seemed perfect . I just want to go back to work , and I realize that since I am pregnant that I will be leaving for a time next summer so I thought something a little less complicated would be a good thing for me . I also am so tired of commuting . Every job I have ever had has been a minimum of an hour commute , each way . I can 't keep doing that . I just can 't mentally do that , and try to be a normal person . Well , I finally heard late this afternoon and they offered the position to someone else . I have no idea why , they told my recruiter that they loved me and thought I was great , but still they offered to someone else . Finally , my brother - in - law , who lives very far away has announced they are pregnant . 7 WEEKS , we are 9 weeks tomorrow and we haven 't even startedNicole We had our 8w appointment yesterday . It was all good news . Heartbeat of 160 , size of 1 . 6cm . Each of these are pretty much right on for 8w0d . We spoke to our doctor after the ultrasound and she was very happy . We graduate out of their program into my own OB , who I called yesterday . I was still so hesitant and concerned yesterday . I asked the dr when I could feel better , more confident . Her reply . . . " Now . With a scan like this you are at 90 % likeliness of a healthy baby at the end , and when have the odds ever been 90 % in your favor ? ? " This is why I like this new clinic , straight talking , no crap . Our ultrasound was FOREVER . We had a new - ish resident and he didn 't really know what he was looking for or where . He seriously spent over 45 minutes looking for my left ovary , but he was below my belly button . I , myself , was pretty certain that it was a bit more TO THE LEFT , but he was certain he would find it eventually . He finally said he found it , but added a note to the scan so we don 't think he really did . It didn 't matter , the attending came in 10 minutes later and spent 3 minutes , he found the left ovary , the right one and the baby . All in the 3 minute scan . I wonder why the US department was running 1 . 5 hours behind ? ? Still a good day . Posted by Ok , so what would the worst dream ever be ? ? ? Just think about it , you are having trouble falling asleep , you have a lot on your plate for tomorrow , and you start dreaming THAT YOU CAN ' T FALL ASLEEP ! ! ! So , an entire night of not being able to sleep and DREAMING ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP . Fun fun fun . Posted by I am so exhausted . I have not been sleeping well at all lately and I have been having dreams that are really weird . On a good note , last night was the first time I had dreamed of this pregnancy going to term and having a child out of it . It was weird and more than a little nice . Of course there were an awful lot of other dreams that weren 't exactly the same . In one I found out H was having an affair . I woke up in a SUPER - BAD mood . I know that H is not that type of person , but I was hurt by someone a long time ago who did cheat . It is something that seems to be in the back of my mind and pops up in dreams every once in a while . As a perk though , last night I dreamed that I kicked the crap out of my MIL . That was a bit cathartic . H and I had dinner with my parents last night and she came up in conversation . I guess perhaps she frustrated me just a scooch . : D There were a whole bunch of other dreams last night , but they have all become pretty foggy . Posted by Decided to torture myself a little bit yesterday . I was out shopping , picking up a couple of things for our trip , when I decided to take a quick pass through the maternity section . I know I am not showing and I am still not even a 100 % certain about this pregnancy but I just wanted to look . See what MIGHT be in my future , and boy oh boy , what hideous - ness . According to Tar - Jay , I have nothing to look forward to besides shapeless muu - muu tops and bland big belly pants . Can 't wait . Posted by HA HA HA , not going to Aruba this weekend ! ! ! My husband eye infection is worse and he needs to go to a doctor tomorrow so our trip is postponed . We pushed it out two weeks , so that we return on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving . Which I am hosting at my house . With ~ 20 adults , ~ 4 kids . YAY . Good news all around . Fun fun fun . Posted by Each day of this week is an eternity . I know that statistically we are likely to be fine and come out of this with a healthy baby , but we have fallen on the wrong side of statistics so frequently that I can 't actually have any faith in that . We are heading to a lovely tropical island for the weekend , hopefully to just be quiet and calm and relax . In H 's case probably to sleep since he doesn 't really do that much here with all the stress he is putting on himself . I had to drive him to work today since he never went to sleep last night and the last time he did that he rear ended someone . Reflexes not exactly up to snuff . Anyway , I am still tired and needing naps during the day , so I am hoping that is all a good sign . By the time I get back I am hoping to have a couple of interviews set up , and my second US is Thursday , so I am really hoping to get a bunch of good news in the near future . Posted by My US report clearly mentions " Enlarged ovaries , consistent with hormonal stimulation " . The nurse mentioned it several times in our meeting as well so I figured it was time to ask Dr . Google . Turns out the statement of enlarged ovaries translates to " We can 't tell if you also have an ectopic pregnancy " This is called a heterotopic pregnancy , which I kept reading as HETEROTIC . Certainly made the reading a bit more interesting . Well , we got today 's ultrasound results and so far we are on track . We are 6w0d today and we have a singleton gestational sac with a heartbeat of 112 . That is really good and the size measured between 2 . 1mm and 2 . 4mm with 2 . 0mm being the acceptable size for this time . This has really relieved quite a bit of the stress . I know we still are not supposed to tell people but I really am ready to scream this at the top of my lungs . I can 't wait to start telling people . We have told a couple of close friends who have been a part of this whole process but that is all . I feel a little unfair telling them and not others , but I know it is for the best . Thank you for all your support through all this . Wish us luck that this keeps up ! Posted by Last week we found out that a friend of ours is sick . He has had a chronic problem for a long time , but recently there was some acute problem . He has been in ICU for 2 - 3 weeks and they are looking to move him to a new room tomorrow . We haven 't seen these people in a while as they had moved away a few years ago and we fell out of touch . It was only lucky timing that H tried to contact the wife recently and we found out about the husband 's health . They have moved back here as we have some really good hospitals in the area for his treatment and her field is also medical in nature . We have our appointment tomorrow in the city and since he is in a hospital nearby , we asked if we could visit . It sounds like he is much improved which is great , so we are going to try to have lunch with the wife tomorrow and see him after lunch for a bit . We communicated a little today to set up tomorrow and I knew that she has a job at the hospital my clinic is a part of , but it is a huge hospital so I didn 't really think much of it . Today she tells me that she is in the same building that we will be going to , and then I remember her focus . Ultrasounds . I don 't really remember many of the specific details , but I do remember that her last company was making ultrasound machines . Obviously I hadn 't really intended to discuss our IF issues with these people . They are our friends but as I said , ones we are not very close with . I don 't know how much information she will have access to , but she will certainly be able to see what we are coming in for . Now I am in a bit of a panic . We are going to be in her area of expertise and see her 20 minutes after we have our US and speak with the nurse . Posted by The last few days have been tough . I am waiting for the US next week and the week is taking forever . I am starting to feel aches and pain in my abdomen . I do not know what these pains are , but I know that pain is not a good thing . Everything I have read mentions pain in the first trimester as either gas ( very likely ) or ectopic ( hopefully less likely ) . The pain is intermittent and runs down into my leg . I know that there is pain associated with tendons stretching but that isn 't supposed to be for another 6 - 8 weeks . I don 't want to call the doctor and be a panicky crazy , but I am worried . I know if there is anything wrong there isn 't anything they can do anyway . If it is ectopic , it is over , if there is nothing in there , it is over , if I miscarry , it is over . I am trying to at least be calm , but I am concerned . I am hoping that since my HCG was so high , that I might be spared an ectopic or miscarriage , but there is no certainty . Posted by I was thrilled with my numbers for a total of 3 days . Now , thanks to Dr . Google I have the knowledge that high HCG numbers can also indicate Downs . Thrill a minute at our household . Posted by Oh my ! Clinic called and told me that I needed to increase by 66 % in order to be considered ' acceptable ' , so that puts me around 1700 or so . I was hoping for 1800 - 1900 , just because I am a teeny - tiny bit type - A . Well , type - A be damned , my uterus has decided that it is type - A + + . My HCG is 2389 today . Well more than doubled in 48 hours . Next week on to ultrasound to see how many are in there . Off for more research . I might throw up , just a little . But in a good way . Posted by This 48 hour wait is so much harder for me than the 2ww . I just traipsed through the 2ww , la la la , like Little Red Riding Hood skipping through the forest . Now , knowing that I have something to lose , I am doing nothing but think about it . We have been joking about the chance of twins or triplets , and either would be fine , but what if this ends up badly ? Like all the rest ? Researching ' twins ' and " hcg " has given me a little help , with our number we are statistically in a very good place to come out with a healthy child at the end . Maybe somewhere between 80 and 95 % , but we have ended up on the wrong end of statistics so many times . Why should this time be any different ? Posted by Well the double line was not a mirage ! b - HCG of 1061 today , and I go back in a couple of days for another test . I just feel so relieved , but there is a little tinge of sadness in there . Now all my thoughts are regarding when I might lose this pregnancy . It is so hard to just be happy and thrilled after all this frustration . It is like waiting for the other shoe to drop . Right after I POAS ' ed I was so excited and just wanted to call everyone and start telling them . Of course I didn 't , but I feel like I didn 't because I don 't fall into the normal people range . Normal people get to announce their pregnancy on the first day of a missed period , but infertiles have to wait until everything is perfect , checked and rechecked . Last pregnancy , that ended in miscarriage , started at 48 so we are better than that ! This place tests later though , so that isn 't likely to be a fair test . Anyway , off to research b - HCG numbers for twins ! ( just in case ! ! ! ) ( Lots of exclamation points today , I wonder why ? ? ) Posted by Well , I broke down this morning and POAS . I couldn 't help myself . I got my first ever strong double line . I hope this isn 't any of that ' residual ' hcg sticking around . Bloods on Monday for real confirmation . Keep hoping . Posted by Its been almost a week and I am desperate for another distraction . I am exhausted and sleeping a bunch during the day . Not so much at night , but nice naps during the day . Every night I try to go to bed around the same time , somewhere in the vicinity of 11pm . Every night for at least a month now I wake up at around 2am , 4 - 4 : 30am , and 6 : 30am . Then the alarm for meds goes off at 8am , so by then I am exhausted . Apparently this is a side effect of my happy meds . They interrupt REM sleep so you don 't get as restful a night 's sleep , but recently it became a routine . Now I wake up at exactly the same times every night . It bites . Also , I am at d12 and bloods are not until Monday . I really don 't think I can wait any longer . I have pulled out a stick for tomorrow 's pee . I normally hate them with a passion and wait till bloods . I have never seen a positive and so I think all sticks are cursed . I would prefer to wait to have the ' official ' word but I don 't think I can make it . We are having my nephew over this weekend and some friends on Sunday so I have some distractions , but I don 't think it will be enough . Help . Posted by Well , first you have H 's birthday be within the first week . Then decide BEFORE SCHEDULING TREATMENT that you will throw a birthday party . At your house , with everyone he works with , local friends , and , of course , family . Decide that 21 adults and 7 children of various ages can all be fed the same thing , then realize that you have some vegetarians , and some ' no red meat ' people coming to your BBQ . Realize also that if everyone gets a piece of ' birthday pie ' you would need at least 4 pies , proceed to cut enough apples for 6 , just in case . Cut for most of the day , bake for most of the evening . Receive package of meat in mail , ( you didn 't expect me to cook enough meat for a bazilion people did you ? ) and remember that you aren 't suppoosed to be lifting heavy things . Open box on porch and bring each piece of meat in one at a time . At the last second decide that you need to add enough non - meat items to a Texas - style BBQ in case everyone in a vegetarian . Be very happy that the last guests leave exactly 5 minutes before the shot and meds are scheuled . Repeat as necessary to get through entire week 1 . Congratulations , halfway through ! Thanks everyone , for your support about the injection . Turns out that H used a ginormous needle , instead of the nice delicate one I ' convinced ' the clinic to let us use . So the injection went in with a fire hose instead , so maybe the headache was from a super overdose of progesterone ? ? I don 't know , but now H feels very relieved that he didn 't ' kill our unborn children ' . His words , not mine . Posted by First of all , I woke up at 4am this morning with a splitting headache . I do not get headaches really , almost never , so one that woke me is concerning . Also , last night during our progesterone shot , H mentioned that it all went it so much easier than normal and there was no blood . All apparently good things . Except that when I checked the injection site , it was really low on my butt . Weird he has done this a bunch before so I didn 't think we needed a refresher . Then I realized that the only time I ever get headaches is after a cycle when my hormone levels come crashing down . So then I put it all together and realize that the progesterone went into the fat of my ass and not the muscle . So panic ensues . We spoke to the fellow - on - call and the nurse and they each said it is probably alright but if this doesn 't take I know H will blame himself completely . Today is the first full day of bed rest . I am supposed to take it easy tomorrow as well , though this clinic is pretty lenient about this part . I kind of agree , but am also so scared of losing whatever chance we have to actually get and stay pregnant . We had a grade 1 , 8 cell embryo ! Seriously , they gave us a picture , I have never even seen one , nevermind one that came from us . We also put in a grade 2 and 3 , both 8 cells . They were not supposed to put back 3 but i kinda pushed a little , due to the fact that this is the fifth IVF . Dr was willing but made us both sign a paper stating that he explained that chance of triplets ! TRIPLETS , HA ! We can 't seem to get one to take and he wants me to sign saying I understand the risk . Like I understand it anyway , how can anyone even imagine the possibility of triplets when we have already had so many disappointments . I am trying to avoid anything that might affect my belly area at all , no coughing , no sneezing . Seriously , I might be a nut , but whatever happens I want to be able to say that I did everything possible . I really hope at least one takes , two even . Three would be daunting , but we would deal . I am going to try to get H to scan the picture soon so I can post it . He is already talking about trying to match the kid to the embryo when they are born . God the fall from here would be absolutely devastating . If this fails we will be destroyed . Please work , grow embryos , grow . Posted by Just got the call about fertilization results and I couldn 't be more pleased or scared . We only had 7 eggs , but 6 were mature . That is way better than we have had in any other cycle . Also , of the 6 , 5 fertilized . We have no idea yet about the quality of those embryos yet , and this is another stage where we always have some serious trouble , but I am feeling a little hopeful . Unfortunately that is often the beginning of the big fall . Posted by Well today was the retrieval and things went both better and worse than expected . H 's numbers are much improved which is very very good news . Unfortunately mine are dropping . Of the 9 very large follicles there were only 7 eggs . We don 't know anything further yet . I hope things go well . Posted by Back again for another round of blood and ultrasounds . Still only found 9 , 4 on the right , 5 on the left . None of the smaller guys caught up . Still each of the 9 is between 17 and 20 so tonight is the HCG injection . Unfortunately H is at a work dinner and I need to inject into my butt alone . I am really no good at this . I do all the other injections and pills etc , but I really need him to do the butt shot . I find it to difficult , and the needle is so huge that I freak out about it . Still , I am almost done with the first phase of this cycle . Now it is on to the retrieval . Posted by I started my cycle really late in the day so what is scheduled as day 9 and 11 really seems to be days 8 and 10 . I got my blood and ultrasound on day 8 . I was really disappointed and concerned about this cycle . I only had 3 eggs on the right and 1 on the left . My E2 level was 510 . I don 't know if that is good or not . They were each 12 or 13 mm . Which isn 't bad , since they were all at the same size . I always have a bunch that are runaways and they mature long before any of the rest . I went back in today and found that there are now 4 on the right between 14 and 16 . I also have 5 on the left that are between 13 and 16 with an E2 of ~ 930 . At least we now can see some hope . It doesn 't seem to make sense , but who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth ? ? I thought I would be back tomorrow , but I am not to return until day 12 . I don 't have enough medicine to get me though till then . I hope I can get an emergency delivery tomorrow . I do have a video that cheered me up last night . I guess a lot of people have seen this but I hadn 't seen it till last night and have been singing it all day . By the way , please don 't play this at work , or at least turn down the volume . I seem to have two extra boxes of 14 - day lupron . They are unexpired and seem to over - down regulate me . If anyone is looking for any meds , let me know . I spoke to my nurse who explained that since I was on such a short first cycle , I might only spot as a period so I went to my US as scheduled . Well , about 5pm I started REALLY bleeding . At least I now for sure that I am cleaned out for a new cycle I guess , but there was certainly no spotting . As I said , I have an entirely new protocol which includes all new medicines . Most of which I have never taken before . So I inject one of them this morning into my leg as usual and immediately feel like a bruise . No big deal , sometimes I bruise , well this proceeded to become actual real pain and difficulty walking . I thought that a little walk around the neighborhood would be a good idea to get the medicine moving into my body and out of my leg , so I went for a 3 mile walk . Normally when I go for a walk I try to do around 5 miles , so it feels like ' exercise ' but I was in such pain that I had to come home early . Great , there are only 10 - 13 more days of this medicine . Yay . Posted by Today the spotting begins . My cycle is starting and I need to get my first US tomorrow . I am terribly nervous and a little teary . I am doubling up on Acupuncture and Massage for the next couple of weeks to help ' calm ' me . I don 't know that it works that way but at least while I am there I am allowed to sit in a blank quiet room nothing but a warm lamp on and some light music . I do find that I get to drift a little during that part , though the last massage has left some significant bruising . This is not a joke . I had trouble sleeping the first night because every time I turned over , I woke myself up with a stabbing pain . I am hoping that a hot bath and another massage ( with some rules set ! ) might help . I am worried about the spotting as I am not really at day 1 , but I spoke to the nurse and since I am on a short course of BC and am only 2 weeks into my cycle , she doesn 't expect much more than spotting . I don 't know . This whole cycle is so different from any that we have done previously . That could be good or not . I have no idea . The old clinic sent a letter recently to say that the Dr who was our guy is no longer with the facility . Of course there is no ' reason ' associated with his leaving , but I would guess that all the bad press lately couldn 't have been helpful . I don 't know what I will do if this is another failed cycle . I am not sure if I can handle another massive failure . Even medicated . Posted by Just got an announcement from a friend that she is pregnant , with her third . I don 't think I am dosed appropriately to deal with this . Posted by Here are the photos from our trip . There are around 1100 more but I didn 't think you would appreciate that . I tried to post these another way and I am not happy with how it posted . I made them a bit large , so please let me know if this is a problem . Also , please don 't click on the thumbnail . It will load a completely different page and that is kind of a pain . I haven 't been thrilled with loading to Flickr , so if you can tell me another way to load photos I would greatly appreciate it . This is only funny to some specific people , but H and I like it ! img _ 3689This is the William Wallace memorial , in front of it is the ugliest statue of Mel Gibson from Braveheart . It is ridiculous , but absolutely a riot . The memorial is really pretty though . This castle was under construction and right off the side of the road . It was so cool but we got kicked out really quickly as it was a ' construction site ' . This was one of only a few that we could get before getting in trouble . Here come some of the Highland Games . These were awesome . This is the Caber Toss , which is big stick These are the GIRLS . These are the men . The Caber is 200 pounds , more or less . There is a goal of getting the pointy end as close to 12 o ' clock as possible , but really who cares ! ! ? Just the lifting , grunting , running , and throwing is enough for me ! This is a FIRE PREVENTION DISPLAY . This was done by the firemen to encourage FIRE SAFETY . I am sure that worked . You can 't read the note next to the fire , but it says " Next Demonstration 8 : 30ish " . H is not a little guy , but he looks like a total peanut next to the Games competitors . Outside of a B & B we stayed at , on one of our last nights . img _ 2818It seems that all ( most ? ) of the churches have a wooden roof . Unfortunately this is what happens when that church falls into disrepair . Yes , that is grass where the roof ought to be . Wedding day , H and I , and the site , inside and out . Street performers in Edinborough . Many things are deep fried in Edinbourgh . Including pizza . Or a candy bar that you bought at the convenience storeNicole I only have a second . I am at an internet cafe and need to run soon . Choose the second dress and won rave reviews . When I return home , I will try to post a photo . I was called a statue by the groom , which I took as a compliment . More details about the wedding soon ! ! Posted by I have been on my meds now for about 2 months . Maybe a bit more than that , but everything is so amazingly different . I know I gave an update earlier about the change after 4 weeks and that was truly life - changing . Now though is different , now I am at a stable dose and a stable feeling about life . I still get concerned and anxious about stuff , like the fact that I am not working yet , but I don 't have a complete and utter breakdown about it . We had brunch with some very good friends a few weeks ago and she has been through all of the ' issues ' with me for years . I love these friends , they are incredibly important to us . They have had to deal with our infertility and everything else in our lives for such a long time , and they don 't complain or make anything any harder on me . She works really hard to try to relieve some of the pressure through little things , like an incredible sense of humor or stories about her own family stuff . Over brunch we were all laughing so hard about some stories that we were talking about , and I thought she was going to cry , she was laughing so hard . It dawned on me then that I couldn 't remember the last time I had laughed that hard about anything . We just talked the other day and mentioned that morning , she said that she was so happy that I seemed to be in such a better place . Her husband even said in the car on the way home , that it was nice to have me back . I try to hide as much of the depression from people as I can but I know now how bleak a place I was in . I am a completely different person to myself and the people I love when I am deep into depair . I am a person I even like now . I wasn 't someone I liked then . I wasn 't even someone I could see then . It is like I am a completely new person now that the medicine is a part of my life . Thank god , or whoever . Posted by Ok , this time , I haven 't bought anything but it is only a matter of time I would guess . First up , the final product of the dress for our anniversary . This didn 't include any jewelry or anything and I ended up wearing my hair in a long pony - tail , but I think you get the idea . Now on to the shopping ! I am looking for a dress for a wedding in two weeks . I put these two on hold till Saturday and H has seen the pix . He likes the first one and so do I . It is the more expensive of the 2 but we both like it . I think it looks more ' movie - star ' which is always a good goal . The second one I think looks more elegant . It is navy and silver which is really pretty . My camera battery was low and so I had to turn off the flash . Unfortunately that means that the aperture was open and I am not real steady so these are pretty shaky . Sorry . I am going to go back tomorrow and show H , so maybe he can take a better photo . This one , I just couldn 't help myself . I was around the first time this was ' popular ' . This just made me laugh so much that I had to take a photo . Do you remember when Madonna wore something just like this in that terrible Susan movie ? I do realize how ridiculous this looks , but you have to laugh . I have lived through the 80s three times now ! ! Ok , a quick update on acupuncture . To preface it , I was / am very skeptical about acupuncture and similar treatments . I have a scientific background and am generally a logical person , which is why I did end up going to acupuncture . I looked at quite a few journal article in Fertility and Sterility and found that the scientific evidence is pretty good . Nowhere is there any sort of explanation as to why it might work but the evidence suggests it does . That being said , one is supposed to ' relax ' ( hhmmmm , where have we heard that before ? ? ) , and I hadn 't gotten that reaction yet . After one session , they added massage to the treatment and let me tell you that was the most painful massage ever . I have some nerve damage in my arms from previous surgeries and so certain areas are extra sensitive . I thought I was going to cry , but I let him do what he was going to do . As I said to H , injecting all the meds hurts too , but we don 't balk at that . My lower back was killing me the next couple of days too , but anyway . The following week , massage came first and it really did help me to relax . I might even have dozed off for a minute or two during the puncturing , which to me is kinda amazing . The woman said that this treatment was to ' bring on my period ' which I just shrugged at since I have been 5 - 7 days late the last few months . She put a few extra needles in and asked me to her when there was shocking pain . There was ! The following day I began to spot . Weird . Today seems to be day 1 , which is 1 day late . To me that is a huge difference from 5 - 7 days late , so I am impressed . They also told me to avoid very cold things during this time , but have they seen the weather ! ? ! Ice cream is a requirement . I will see what I can do , but I can 't promise anything . Oh , and I wore the dress for our 3 - year anniversary the other night . I will post the ' final product ' pictures as soon as I get them loaded . Posted by We just saw a movie the other night that I definitely recommend . It is called " Kiss Kiss Bang Bang " and it has Robert Downey Jr and Val Kilmer . It is sort of an old fashioned noir mystery and it has a great sense of humor . It came out last year sometime , but was marketed terribly . Also , just started " Cell " by Stephen King . Very quick read and compelling in an apocolyptic way . Just some summer time things to think about . Posted by Ok , so here is the dress . I like the concept and the price ( 27 $ ! ) but I am not sure of the fit for me . The camera angle is a bit low so I feel like it might not be the most ' flattering ' . I don 't know how flattering the dress is in general , but it certainly is comfy . Please be as honest ! ! Here you go : We are just starting to plan our life without kids . We just made a future plan for where we will live if we still do not have any kids in a couple of years . I would move now , but H does not want to leave just yet . He is working on a new company and really wants to get everything moving before we move anywhere . Also he has just bought an investment property and he is concerned about living too far away for monitoring . I would like to get pregnant from our many many procedures , and then move . I would like to move there almost as soon as it is safe . I would probably move back for the last month or so of a pregnancy just for the safety of Boston hospitals , but I could live somewhere else . I really want to live in another country . I just want to be somewhere else , somewhere different . I want to start over , learn a new language , and just begin my life over . Would anyone mind if I posted a picture here of a new outfit ? I just got a dress a couple of days ago and I do not know how I feel just yet . Please help . I will try to post it in the next day or so . Thanks for any help . Well , I tried it . I went to an acupuncture clinic and had them stick me . I have no idea what it does or if it works . It was totally weird and confusing . I didn 't feel relaxed at all , and I don 't know how one would feel relaxed with a dozen pins sticking out all over the place . Most of them didn 't hurt much , just a little pinch when they went in , but a few of them were yucky . I didn 't like the ones in my head at all , they felt odd the whole time . Once they were in , most of the pins were painless , but the head ones were always uncomfortable . Also , one in my hand hurt , a lot . She removed it immediately and tried to put it back but the pain was bad so it stayed out . There was also one on my ankle that kinda hurt the whole time . Weird , it was in the same place on my leg as the one that hurt on my hand . I wonder if my ' meridian ' is broken at the end . They said I would have more energy and that part has been true . Yesterday I was a bit of a basket of energy , but most of it was sort of anxious , irritable energy and I don 't think that was really the goal . They did give me a huge bag of weeds and told me to brew it into 12 cups of tea to drink over 6 days . I brought it home and my husband basically forbid me to drink it . I agree , as we have NO IDEA of what is in the bags . I don 't even recognize anything in the bags and we don 't want to mess up with respect to all the other meds I need to take . So I am taking a pass on this aspect of ' treatment ' . I hope it is the right decision . One of the problems with the sleep disturbances are that I am having really vivid dreams . The dr says this is normal with this med and most people end up being fine with them . Well , since I am sleeping so lightly these dreams are sort of keeping me awake . Hopefully I will get used to this routine and be able to ignore them soon , but the most recent was a doozy . I had an appointment with the dr for meds last week and wanted to discuss some research I had done on the subject . The night before I had a fully REAL dream , you know the kind where you feel awake and active through the whole thing ? ? Well , that dream was that I had a baby , that minute . I hadn 't been pregnant , but I went into labor and had a baby . I felt terrible because I was in labor and couldn 't call to cancel my appointment with happy - med lady . Yes , this was my major concern . But also when I looked at the baby , she ( yep , girl ) was very dark , hair and skin . H is darker than I am , but since I am the color of fish - bellies , that isn 't that tough . My first thought was that everyone would know that she was from a donor egg . It was crushing though I was still happy , it was very bitter - sweet . I don 't know if this means I am becoming alright with the donor egg concept or not . Or if my body is telling me that is the only path for us . I don 't really know what to think , other than I have a fear of breaking appointments . I just wanted to make something clear from an earlier post . Seeing people who have had it so much easier to have children and then to see how they raise those children can be so disappointing . It is like knowing that you have no ' right ' to comment , but it is so hurtful to experience . Again , I love my niece and nephew . I just don 't always love the behavior my sister is fostering in them . It feels like she is trying to encourage their dependence on her , rather than encourage them to become wonderful individuals . Posted by H and I watched my niece and nephew this weekend . It was so much fun and really hard at the same time . I love these kids like crazy but sometimes I get so frustrated with my sister and BIL and the way they raise them . Obviously it is really hard to say anything since we don 't have kids and so have no ' credibility ' with them . We had them from Friday night to Saturday afternoon and then back again Saturday night until Sunday afternoon . My nephew is often wonderful , just a joy to be around , but other times an incredibly hard child to deal with . He has been trained from birth to let everyone around him do everything for him . His sister has also been trained that the second he makes a sound to jump in and give him whatever he asks for . She packed her own bag and his to come over for the weekend , she is 6 . 5 , he is almost 5 . I try to encourage him to do things on his own but it is hard to change almost 5 years of training . He was wonderful all evening and day on Saturday but they were going to a birthday party in the afternoon with their mother . He had been asking all day if the party was for his birthday . I explained over and over that no , it was for another child and he would have his party in a couple of months . When his mother picked him up he saw the present and asked it was for him . She said no , and he flipped out . In an absolutely enormous way . He started screaming his head off and said " I want to punch you in the HEAD " to my sister . Her response , " Ok , get out of the car , you aren 't going to the party " . Not to be obtuse , but where was she planning on leaving him ? ? H and I had plans for the rest of the afternoon and had a truck full of stuff to deliver to family , so he couldn 't come with us and obviously couldn 't stay anywhere alone . Up till that moment he had been a great kid in a great mood . Fast forward to Sunday morning . He had dumped out all his toys and clothes over the course of the weekend . No big deal , but I asked him to pick up the toys . He said no and told his sister to pick them up . She started to and Posted by There has been so much going on that I don 't really know where to start . It has been an overwhelming couple of weeks . I have been on my meds and are really becoming more mentally sound , but my sleep has been so disturbed . It got so bad that H wouldn 't let me drive anywhere in case I got into an accident . I was waking up every hour or so and sleepy so lightly . I called the dr and she gave me a second med that was supposed to help my sleeping . It was only going to be for a short time , to reset my schedule . I could take 1 - 5 pills , as they are low dose . So I started on 1 and didn 't sleep through the night , then the next day tried 2 . I was better but still not sleeping through the night and still being groggy and a little odd during the day . I tried playing with the schedule and even went to 3 pills . H said I was completely stoned all day . So I am drinking all this caffiene trying to wake up during the day and it is having no effect . I am basically stuck on the couch incoherent . I am off that med now and still not sleeping through the night . Thank goodness my mood is so much more stable . There is an option to try something to give me a little energy in the day . Perhaps that will allow me to tire myself out during the day and sleep better at night . If I try that path I can only do it for a month or so as I cannot be in a cycle with this new med . I guess I am still working out all the kinks here . More later . I have so much stored up right now . I have about a million things I want to talk about and clear out of my head . I want to discuss my chemical state , my old clinic , my new clinic , and my weekend baby sitting a niece and nephew . I haven 't meant to store all this up but it has been a weird couple of weeks . I will check in tomorrow and let you know what is going on . Right now , exhaustion is setting in . Thanks for checking on me . Posted by Thank goodness for medicine . Things have gotten so much better since I first went to this new clinic . I haven 't actually done a cycle or anything which is disappointing , but I did get some medicine to help me with my hormonal and emotional levels . At first it helped and I finally started to see the world with a little light and less bleak . It was completely a quirk of fate , and maybe some sort of blessing , that I did all this just a week or so before I was laid off . Even with medication , the lay - off was incredibly hard . For two weeks I was just completely out of touch with life or anything remotely attached . I couldn 't focus , think or respond . Then suddenly the wall broke through and things have gotten so much better . I can now focus on things ( most of the time ) and it was like breaking through the clouds and coming up into a clear sky . And this was even during the endless rain we had here , or at least it felt like endless rain , it is really hard to tell . Anyway , it turns out that these things often take 4 - 6 weeks to fully kick in and gain complete effectiveness . So far I am right on schedule and that is incredible . I am still exhausted all the time , which is another side effect , it may resolve or it may not . If not there are other medical avenues to take and ones more natural ( yay to caffeine ! ! ) . But even so , just knowing that this is a normal response and that I am not constantly thinking of how to hurt myself without leaving a mess for H to clean up is a wonderful change . Unfortunately I don 't know how to turn this so it is upright . I don 't know what I should set to make this work , so I hope you don 't mind . I will try to figure out the correct setting for the next one . This is my nephew learning how to play frisbee . Right now I am trying to use the Blogger photo option , but the upload is super - slow . Hopefully I will get a flickr account soon and maybe that will be faster . I haven 't really played around with any features of this blog , but I want to start . I also took a quick video that I want to try to post if I can figure it out . Thanks for all the comments about our yard and lawn . H is very proud of that lawn and it has taken us a couple of years to get it to this point . When we moved in the backyard was a disaster . It was all uneven and had no grass on a huge chunk of it . H was determined to have a great big green carpet and he succeeded . We bought and loved that chiminea the first season we got it . We even had a huge bonfire in it once , there was lighter fluid involved and it looked like a rocket , very cool . After that though , we have hardly used it at all . I want to try to use it again this year . If the weather will cooperate , maybe we can start using it . Unfortunately it isn 't really big enough to use the firewood for the fireplace so we have to get wood specifically sized to fit in the chiminea . Maybe that is what always deters us ? This last one is from a graveyard down in Boston . I just like the textures and ' feel ' of it . Please let me know what you think . I love the video I shot today . Unfortunately I ran out of memory about 10 seconds in , but I guess that means you are not subjected to a long , rambling video when I get it posted . There isn 't much to report in IF land . Most everyone seems to be doing horribly this week . Next week we are hoping to find out if there is some genetic reason that this is so hard . Turns out that both H and I have some likelihood of a problem due to our backgrounds . In fact we have different backgrounds but the same likely problem . Weird . I just wanted to post something different , so here goes . . . I hope this works . This is one reason for all the pervasive depression . Yes , those are raindrops and they have been there for weeks . Because of this , I wanted to also post a couple from the brief breaks in the weather . Some of those are kinda old , but since we haven 't had sun for 3 consecutive days in months , we have had the endless spring so some of these are from the last week or two . I will try posting those later today . Please let me know what you think . I guess I haven 't hit menopause yet . Just a weird 35 day cycle , hopefully it was just a weird one - time thing . This is a very rare thing for me to be so irregular . I hope this is not repeated . Unfortunately this means we might not be able to do a cycle before we are supposed to go on a long trip for a friend 's wedding . That might mean that we are on hold until September / October . That would mean that we have only had 2 IVF cycles in one whole year . One failed at 6 weeks but took an extra couple to confirm and then 4 months off ' down time ' and the last cycle , the raging failure . Posted by I can 't stand this . I am now 4 or 5 days late on my period . I am generally incredibly regular and I don 't know what is going on . Of course , I POAS , on day 1 and it was negative . But the sticks were expired , so maybe they don 't really work , and just because the control line was perfect and dark doesn 't mean anything , right ? So I went to the store again last night and bought another pack . I figured I would wait until today , in case I began to spot , but nothing again this morning , so I peed on another stick . This one , just like the last , was a BFN . Nothing , and these aren 't expired , nor was there even the pink window that might confuse the subject for a minute . Less than nothing . So now I am certain that I am not pregnant but I am still not bleeding . We are not going to be able to do this cycle anyway because we are at a new place and we need to go through their ' routine ' , but when will we be able to move forward ? This is so frustrating , but also I just don 't know what is going on with my body . Is this a sign of something wrong ? Since my last cycle was such a crazy disaster , and the clomid challenge was a bit of a failure , maybe there is some developing problem . I don 't even know how to ask dr google for the answer to this question . It is possible that this is stress - related , since the lay - off , but I don 't really think so . I don 't really feel stressed out or anything . It just feels like this isn 't even the right week . It feels like a normal mid - month day . This is all so confusing . Posted by So , now I am finally working my life out a little and somehow hope is creeping back in . I feel like I finally got my hope under control and , well , today should be day 1 . It isn 't and so of course , I start to believe it might be possible . I know we didn 't do a cycle this month but we did the Clom1d Challenge and maybe that gave me an extra egg or two . Also H 's numbers are much better this month than they have been over the last year . I feel like I have tamped down all hope so as not to be so disappointed when failure occurs . With everything else going on over these last few weeks , I thought , maybe something good might happen . I always start spotting a few days before my D1 . Today should be D1 but there has been nothing , no spotting , no PMS based depression ( which doesn 't mean anything now that the meds are kicking in ) , nothing except a weird lethargy . Doesn 't all of this mean I could be pregnant ? I have decided to go about my life as if I were a ' normal ' and have a beer if I want to or even a Coke . Just to act for 1 month as if pregnancy could ' just happen ' . Of course , because of the rest of what has been going on and the universe 's unfailing sense of humor I POAS . For a second the whole second spot was pink , not a line , the whole field . I wanted to believe . I left it to develop and looked back several minutes later and found . . . nothing . No line , no color , no faint pink that I could analyze over the next 24 hours as ' just maybe ' . nothing . I hate this . Posted by Well , I am trying to restart my life . I am finally getting over the shock of the layoff and the rest of my week . I have been trying to get some regular exercise now that I have a little extra time on my hands . I went for a long walk today but I was exhausted . My body is just collapsing , I was completely useless for the rest of the afternoon . I don 't feel sick but my body is not at 100 % . I am hoping that this is just a backlash from all the shock of the last week . I was truly stunned by my layoff and it was so incredibly quick that I am still processing how I feel about the situation . I had a family event this weekend and while I won 't post specifics of the occasion , I will say that there was an enormous blow - out with my MIL . It was completely ugly and horrid . Let 's just say that the day was pretty much ruined for everyone involved and that sucked a lot . H was pretty great though and defended me and was calm about the whole situation . This is not his standard response regarding his mother so I was really proud of him and grateful for the way he dealt with everything . I am wondering what to do with my remaining cycles of IVF . I think we only have 2 left on insurance . I believe that Massachusetts only requires that they pay for 6 . I was doing some more research today and think that Cornell is pretty much the best clinic in the country with the most experience . The clinic we are at is the best in MA but now that I am not working I am wondering if we should try to go to the best place and just go for broke ? I have no idea how long it would take to get in and be seen . If I had known that I would be laid off and when , I could have planned to go to NY to be seen by them . Now I have to wait again , it all seems to take so long . It almost isn 't fair to count how long you have been trying by time , because every change adds so many months onto the schedule . Thank god for medication . I think that I would have had a complete and uter mental breakdown if I hadn 't gotten to speak to someone just the week before . I finally got somNicole So after the rest of this week 's info , today I got laid off . Come on world , what else do you want to throw at me ? Posted by Finally got most of our results from the new clinic . We did a whole bunch of tests which had not been done before . Yet another crappy day . I did the clomid challenge test , and did the blood tests on day 3 and day 10 . Most of my numbers are normal except FSH , day 3 I was 2 . 7 ( normal is above 3 . 9 ) and day 10 is 10 . 6 ( normal is under 10 ) . Normally a low initial number means there is another ' obvious ' problem . Usually there is anorexia , exercise - bulimia , lack of menstruation , etc . Just to clear the concerns , none of those things apply to me . Not by a very very long shot . Also a high day 10 number means that there is a decreased ovarian reserve . These are all bad things , though the dr can 't really tell us what both of them together means . Good news . . . H 's numbers have improved . His motility is still a little low but his morphology has just entered the normal range . Our dr recommended that we do another cycle using my eggs , but that we should plan on using donor eggs in the very near future . She said that we stand a fairly slim chance of getting pregnant using our own genetic material . Another piece of info that I need to process . When is it time to give up ? Posted by I have never told any of my siblings about treatment or anything . I have been avoiding the pity , the sympathy that I would get . I don 't want to get special treatment for this situation . I did finally tell my mother when I lost the 3rd IVF and needed a DNC . I felt so alone and I guess I wanted my mother . That feels so sad to me . Today , on this black day , H and I invited both the SILs and my mother for brunch . It was a very nice day , but my mother brought both my sister and I a plant . I had her give mine to my SIL , who has a child . I know she wanted to be kind , but it hurt . It hurt that she wanted to make a point of giving me something on mother 's day . I am obviously not a mother ad I don 't deservea gift at this point . Maybe I will never get a gift on this day . Perhaps I will never achieve this goal . If this is true then I will never receive a gift and I dont ' want to start faking it now . Posted by It has been forever and I really needed some time to work through things in my brain . I have been busy with work but my life has been a disaster with regards to treatment . I stopped writing a while ago because I was so furious that I couldn 't seem to write without a burst of rage in my head . My face gets hot and I feel a little lightheaded whenever I get this angry . It all started because of the CDC report . We had decided on a clinic originally , primarily based on convenience and ease of getting an appointment . The closest clinic could get us in in ~ 6 weeks while the ' better ' hospitals couldn 't let us in for 4 months . Since that seemed like forever while we were still naive about treatment timelines we chose the easier site . We still tried to ask the right questions , obviously the one about success rates came up . We were told that they were ' about 40 % ' which is pretty average to good . So we figured that if their success rate was pretty much where you would like it to be , then this clinic was fine . Well , then the CDC report comes out . Now , first of all , I am 33 . I was 32 when this all began . I was told that since I am ' so young ' to be doing ART that the eggs are no problem . The embryologist told me that my eggs were very nice and young looking . The CDC report says that their success rate of live baby is 24 . 6 % . This number disgusts me . For so many reasons . This is SIGNIFICANTLY lower than what we were told verbally . It is the worst number in the state in fact . I was so revolted and angry . I couldn 't believe the betrayal . These people will tell you anything to get you into the clinic because once you are in it is difficult to leave . You need to find another doctor , get into another facility , and in our case , figure out how you are going to get in and out of the city 30 miles away while still holding down a full time job . When I confronted the doctor about this I was told that at that time there was a different embryologist who was terrible and that they fired her and changed all the lab personnel . Supposedly their nNicole |
Jason got the kids early yesterday for Easter weekend . We gave Jordan his new birthday bike , and we were all out in the front yard playing , when Jordan came up to me . " Can I tell her , Dad ? " he asked Jason . " Sure , " Jason replied . Pretty soon , he isn 't going to think it 's gross . Pretty soon , things around this house are going to be different . I wasn 't raised with any brothers , so this is all new territory for me . Thank goodness Jason is here to answer questions and that he isn 't shy about it . They had a conversation in Jordan 's room last night and I am not allowed to know what they talked about . . . thank goodness . This weekend , we had a kid - free weekend . We went to the Mavs game Friday night - a first for us - and it was great fun . We even took the train out to Dallas and that was well worth it , to not have to park and deal with traffic . Jason was in hog heaven . I was so glad to see him do something he truly enjoys . It doesn 't hurt that this month is also March Madness . He is a basketball player and loves to watch it , so right now , he is truly enjoying life . : - ) What is the secret to a good marriage ? There are so many ways I could answer that question . But the one thing I will tell you is that the first thing you have to do is to marry the right person in the first place . When I was single , I had all of these ideas of the " perfect guy " or what my life would be like with the perfect guy . How I would feel about the perfect guy , the kinds of things he would say , stuff like that . I had many , many preconceived notions . Needless to say , the choices I made in men during my 20 's was less than satisfactory . You know who I never bothered to ask about what type of man I should be with ? God . I didn 't want His opinion , so I never got it , and I spent alot of years being treated very poorly as a result of attempting to make my own decisions about my love life . When I finally told God I give up , and asked Him what type of guy I should be with , He sent me one about two weeks later , in the form of Jason . Jason was not at all like any guy I 'd been with . He was actually , well , nice and kind . Oh , and He loved the Lord . Probably the most important characteristic you can find in a husband , and a characteristic I never cared about at all in any man I 'd dated . Isn 't that sad and crazy ? I had to really give up alot of the things I was holding on to about a guy to be with Jason . For some reason , I had clung so tightly to characteristics that were so wrong and so against what God wanted for me , that it took me giving up those things before God actually showed me a man who could give me so much more than I ever thought possible . Things like , a " successful career " , knowing the coolest placest to eat and hang out , not married before , etc . But the biggest thing I had to let go of is to let the ones go who didn 't truly love me , who didn 't want the best for me , who didn 't treat me well . For some reason as women , we tend to latch on to those men who can 't give us what we truly need or want , because we think if we hold on long enough , we will get what we want . " God wouldn 't have given me a guy that I love so much and then not eventually give me him ! " If I had a nickel for every time I justified staying with a guy for that reason , I would have alot of nickels . The truth is that if you are with a guy that isn 't giving you every thing you need or want , and you 've discussed it with him and he has no intention of giving you those things , and I mean , important things like a commitment , a marriage , himself , then you need to tell yourself that God didn 't send that man for you . You have chosen to be with that person , despite what God wants for you and your relationships . And if you are single and following God 's plan , and you are asking yourself why you haven 't found that person yet , you really have no idea what is taking so long ? ? ? ? Well , God might not be preparing your heart , He might be preparing your future partner 's heart . Jason was married the bulk of my 20 's . That 's why I didn 't meet him sooner . He was in a marriage that wasn 't going to succeed and had some of his own lessons to learn . So , once again , as with many things , it 's all in God 's timing . I know that 's not easy to accept sometimes , but it does all work out , if you let God make the choices for you and let go of the things you think you want . He will1 comments As you get older , I think your imagination becomes a little more limited than that of a 3 year old . I find it difficult to actually play with the kids and imagine with them . Not only that , but each age and sex of a child comes with different types of play . With Jordan , he used to always want to play Legos , but now , it 's Nerf Wars . I am not a boyish - player , so that 's always a little harder for me . Sophia is much easier for me to play with ( hence the tea parties , I can get on board with that ! ) and Avery is just getting into the age where she says , " You play with me ? " And it usually consists of the same game over and over . So , it can get a little boring . Sometimes , I feel as though I really have to work hard to find games that we can both relate to ( both meaning me and the child in question ) so that we can both enjoy ourselves . I hate to be an adult who isn 't 100 % in the moment because I am not having fun . But in order to do that , you have to allow yourself to let go and give yourself the freedom to think that just maybe , playing like a 3 year old can be fun , if you find the right game for both of you . And doing that requires spending time with them and getting to know them . And it can be something as simple as suddenly , you walk backwards down the hall instead of walking regularly , and your 3 year old mimics you and shrieks with delight , and you end up playing a very entertaining version of Simon Says . I am a huge believer in Supernanny , and one major theme on every episode is that most families don 't play together enough . All of those children with difficult attitudes tend to become alot easier to deal with when you actually laugh with them and do things they enjoy . Each episode , Jo makes up a game that the family plays together . Playing together is just as important , to me , as discipline but it 's easier said than done . Sometimes , I just don 't feel like getting down on the floor and acting like a 33 - year old goofball , but once I am in the moment , I tend to have a really fun time . And kids are only young once , so it 's important to soak up every moment . Jason and I are big fans of board games and dominoes , and I like doing those kind of structured games also . Kids tend to learn to work within rules that way and to understand the value of winning and the graciousness of losing , so we do game nights at our house as much as we can . Before I review this episode , let me just tell you why I love this show as much as I do , especially for those who have never watched this show . I am seriously the most impatient and judgmental TV drama - show watcher there is . I get annoyed with characters very easily , I get itchy for story lines to end that do not have immediate conclusions , I hate shows with completely unviable and unrealistic plot lines , and I can only watch a show so long that takes too many episodes to conclude a mystery . Examples of shows I attempted to watch but either A ) got annoyed with the length of the story arch , B ) got annoyed with a character or C ) got annoyed with unrealistic situations , would be : Homeland , Prison Break , Breaking Bad , and Lost . I know , all very popular shows . But I am telling you . It takes a show to be very good for me to be addicted to it . Now , comedies , I will watch all day long . One hour cop dramas , like Law and Order and Bones , sign me up . But if it is a show with episodes of a continuing story line from week to week , I am a hard sell . I am currently also watching The Following , but I tell myself weekly " this is my last time to watch it , it 's driving me crazy ! " And the only reason I am still watching that one is because I love me some Kevin Bacon . But , I digress . The Walking Dead does two things really well . First , it creates a realistic reality in an unrealistic environment . Obviously , we know a zombie apocalypse is never going to happen . HOPE it won 't , at least . And yet , I never think on this show , " That was ridiculous , why did they do that ? " Or , " They really expect us to believe that ? " This helps because even though I suppose you could ask questions like , " why they can have zombie blood splashed all over them but they actually have to be bitten to turn into one themselves ? " You never think to ask those questions because you are thoroughly enjoying every minute of it , that it never evens occurs to you . The second thing it does really well is create a show where anything , and I mean anything , can happen from week to week . This show is completely unafraid to kill off its main characters , and has done so many times in the three seasons it 's been on . I love this because , in the case of last night 's show for instance , you are so surprised by an ending , that you love it that much more . At this point , I am going to assume you are a watcher of this program . Merle is one I 've loved to hate , yet last night , I was actually rooting for him . He is different than the Governor . The Governor is sadistic , really loves to kill ( or seems to , especially when showing us his torture chamber or biting off Merle 's fingers , ouch ! ) but there was something about Merle that always said to me , " A bit nuts ? Sure . Racist ? Absolutely . Realist ? Of course . Loner ? Yep . Sadistic killer ? No . " Yet , last night , we started to see that perhaps he just always saw himself as someone who was willing to do the " dirty work " that was necessary , that other people were unwilling or didn 't have the stomach to do themelves . When he let Machone go , I knew that he had decided to turn a new leaf , perhaps he learned that he could do the dirty work yet still be on someone 's team . After speaking with Daryl ( whom I 've always loved , especially since the very funny parody commercial for Time Warner Cable , in which the mom tells him " I just had the walls painted " and instructs him to " clean up " the zombies , to which he replies " Yes ma ' am . " ) , he began to realize that he has a choice to make , a life of loneliness in which he is capable of turning people over to The Governor for torture , or a life working with others to ensure surivival in their new society , post - apacolypse . I am glad he chose the latter , although we didn 't have much time to celebrate in his new - found role . I really didn 't foresee his death coming , but man , he went out in a blaze of glory . His attack was brilliant , from the loud - music - zombie - magnet of a car to masking his own gunshots by the gunshots of the Woodbury residents to hide his attack . We had to know the Governor was going to foil his plan , but not before he took out about 3 men of the Governor 's army . The whole time , I was sure Daryl would come in and save him , then plant an arrow right between the Governor 's eyes , but then came the gunshot . And alas , poor Daryl finds his brother feasting on some entrails and cries , knowing he must kill him . He looked angry , and I am not sure if that anger is going to be directed at the Governor ( I would love to see that show - down ) or at Merle himself , for choosing to put his life in danger in such a sacrificial way . Either way , Daryl is going to have some issues in the upcoming episodes , and I am not sure if it 's going to be issues I can get on board with or if he is going to turn a direction I am not going to like ( this show is full of surprises , I told ya ! ) . Now , this week 's episode and last week 's episode are only tied together by the upcoming " meeting " between Woodbury and the prison , but have nothing to do with each other , other than that . I am still very intrigued by the Governor 's right - hand - man Milton and whether or not he set fire to the zombies ( I hope he did , I want to see him get a little evil ) and poor Andrea ( whom I didn 't like very much until last week and her awesome kick - booty episode ) is still stuck in that torture chair . And did you notice Ben got killed ? I wonder what that will mean for his dad and survivors back in Woodbury . All in all , I am very excited to see next week 's episode , as I always am on Monday mornings , but I am very sad it 's the season finale . This show seems to prove , week after week , why it 's so popular and why it has proven to be one of my very favorite dramas to date . 0 We have been wanting to get the kids bikes since we moved into a house , but we decided this year was a good time . So , she got a new bike ! She was so excited . I couldn 't help but be sad - they don 't even have a real thing to " whack " anymore . You know how it could be a mole , or an alligator and you have those big cushy things you hit them with ? Now , it 's all virtual . You just hit the TV . I was really surprised - Avery HATED and was TERRIFIED of Chuck E Cheese . I mean , curled up on us , shaking , looking around her constantly , fear of him . When I took her to the bathroom a couple of times , she was afraid he was going to pop out at her or something . I felt so bad for her ! ! The only person who asks me to go here is Sophia . And I always say , non - hesitantly , " No . " Except for once a year . On her birthday . And today , I pay the piper . I hate this over - priced , under - delivered , dirty , screamy , loud , worthless place . I do . I would rather just pay $ 5 for a Little Caesars pizza , shine a bright blinking light in my childrens face for 2 hours , tell them to go run around the house 45 times , then give them a piece of plastic I found on the street as a " prize " then to spend $ 50 of my hard earned money to do the exact same thing in a confined space with other children . We talked about " What is God 's Plan for My Life ? " You know , the questions you ask yourself ( like I did Monday , remember ? ) like , What should I do for a living ? Apparently , God isn 't so concerned with what you do . He is concerned with who you are . In the Trek book , it was talking about how we struggle alot with what we think we should do with our lives . We worry about it . It asked us to write down everything we could remember that we thought about that day . It then asked , how many times did you think about what God wants for you , or being a follower of Christ ? I am ashamed to say , it 's less than I 'd like to admit . I often drift into daydreaming or focusing on plans for our lives . What job we should take , what we should spend money on , how to raise our kids . Unfortunately , all too often those are all byproducts of a life that isn 't being led my Christ and being the person He wants to me to be . I am not saying God doesn 't want you to plan for you life , but how can you truly know what He wants if you never talk to Him about it , or listen to Him ? I don 't make time for God in my life every day . I don 't even make time for God , true time for God , once a week some weeks . There . I said it . And those are the times I have a hard time solving problems in my life because I don 't know how . I keep telling myself , each Sunday or Wednesday , that I will set aside time for God , but I don 't follow through . But yet , somehow , you see those blog feeds to our right ? I sure do read those everyday . You reading this blog ? I make time to write it in everyday . Yet somehow , I can 't find 15 minutes to devote to reading God 's word and listening to His plan for me ? That 's appauling . So , I reconciled this situation as best as I can . I found a blog which offers devotionals every day , so in my feed , I can see a devotional a day . I worked it into my schedule . I think this is a good start . If you aren 't having a quiet time with God everyday , I encourage you to start this with me . I would like to hear about how it 's changing your heart , mind and choices . I will share my experiences as well ! This week was really eye opening for me , with the kids , especially Sophia . One of the more disturbing situations for us was internet safety . I read this article this morning on Empowering Parents and it scared me because of what we found out this week . As you all know from previous posts on electronic games and items for kids , that I am not a huge fan of them . Especially ones that allow children access on to the internet , and especially ones that are interactive . We have one computer in the house and it sits in our " office , " which is our breakfast area that has no doors and is in the middle of the house . Anyone can see what you are doing on the computer , and we will be keeping it that way . We don 't discourage the kids from getting on it , but they are really only allowed to play on it for one hour a day , that 's it . They spend enough time on it during the week at school for education benefits , and I guarantee you Sophia is not going on our computer to do something educational . ( Jordan is a different story , one day , just for fun , he researched the Alamo and put together a slide show for us to watch . I love him . ) Sophia goes on there to play games . Any game . All games . She mainly loves to do princess stuff and fairy stuff , where you dress them up . But she will really play anything . They had mentioned a couple times playing a game called Roblox . It 's a virtual world for kids that allows them to build cities and stuff . Now look . I don 't like virtual world games , either . Sims , stuff like that , scares me because the thought of kids getting sucked in to a fake world and addicted really scares me . To be honest , they had said that they played it at their moms , and I assumed ( won 't be making this mistake again ) that meant it was safe and fine . Well , I guess it can be safe and fine . But it 's also an interactive game with Avatars , where you can friend people . NOPE . The thought just chilled me to my core . At lunch one day , we were talking about it and what you do on it and that type of thing . Jordan said , " People request you to be friends , I only have two friends and they are people I go to school with . Sophia goes crazy friending people . " My heart jumped into my throat and I immediately had her take me to the computer and had her log in . 16 friends and I had NO idea who theyI don 't care if I am creating kids who hate me , I really don 't . I have seen too many episodes of Law and Order : SVU to feel good about putting kids in positions that are unsafe . If you REALLY want to creep yourself out , copy and paste and picture of your child on your blog into Google . It will tell you everywhere ( if any ) that picture is on the internet . Talk about terrifying . Sometimes , people get onto me because our family doesn 't have an iPad , or other tablet . Both kids , at their mom 's house , have one . I don 't think they need it . People say there are games on there that are educational , and honestly , I think they are unnecessary . You start kids playing games early on phones and stuff like that , and all of the sudden they grow into kids and that 's all they want to do . I am constantly having to say no to them playing video games or on the computer , or even watching TV , and it 's a struggle sometimes to get them to go out and interact in the real world , or God forbid , read a book . Jordan is good about it , really he is . But he , too , will play video games as long as you let him or tell him to stop , so we have to really be careful to pay attention . Does the internet scare you with your kids ? How many of you sit right by your kids when they are on the computer ? I will from now on . I happened upon this blog while I was internet surfing . The actual article was about this man , with brain cancer , who ran a marathon with his 6 year old daughter in a stroller . The article linked to this particular post about the actual race from his blog " Picking Up A Hitchhiker . " After I read the intitial blog post , I realized that this man wasn 't highly skilled writer , but he was an incredibly honest writer . I wanted to know more about him and his journey of cancer , and his blog started at the very beginning . Post after post , I read of this man , who has a very dry , good sense of humor , with his flaws , who received the diagnosis of brain cancer and his fight to reconcile it with himself . During this process , he also lost his job as a juvenile worker of troubled youth ( due to his medications , not job performance ) . He lost the ability to drive a car . He also lost his marriage . I encourage you to read it . The doctor 's told him that he was in the best shape they 'd ever seen anyone in who was diagnosed with cancer . He hadn 't called in sick to work in 16 years and said he was hesitant to go to the hospital after suffering a seizure ( which is which led to the diagnosis ) because " the last time he was in the hospital was the day he was born . " He is prideful , arrogant , and makes jokes at his own expense , and while he has so very many friends , it 's hard to read his journey without cringing sometimes at the choices he makes or things he says . But boy , is it an amazing story to read . It seems as though even before this cancer , he led his life to the fullest . He was always a runner and played many sports . He had a beautiful daughter . But the cancer just really made him more passionate about spending time doing the things he wants to do , namely spending time with his daughter . Of course , any story you read like this one makes you look inside of yourself and your life and ask some questions about how you choose to live your life . I couldn 't help but see the irony that this very morning , I had questioned my life 's passions and now , I am reading about somewhat who seems to have passion for almost everything he does . I always like finding new blogs with people that I actually like reading about . It 's not always easy , but obviously his story is one of enough importance to be written about in several places on the internet . Check it out if you get a chance . I 've been giving alot of thought lately to my life and what I am truly passionate about . I feel as though my lack of passion in something is what is missing from my life . I try to be passionate for many things , like working and weight loss , church activities , or reading . But you can 't fake passion . While those things are important and things I need to enjoy , they are not my passion , which means , I won 't do them well at all . How do you know what your passion is ? That 's a hard question . According to Wikipedia , passion is defined as : " Passion ( from the Ancient Greek verb πάσχω ( paskho ) meaning to suffer ) is a term applied to a very strong feeling about a person or thing . Passion is an intense emotion compelling feeling , enthusiasm , or desire for something . " Last night , I was watching Parks and Rec . I guess I have passion for TV ! Ha ha . Anyway , Leslie Knope , to me , is the epitome of passion for her work . She was talking about passion . They were doing a model U . N . thing and was saying how important passion is , to find something you are passionate about , and to pursue that passion . So , back to the question , how do you find your passion ? Well , I think your passion is found when you ask yourself these two questions . 1 ) What do you do in your free time ? and 2 ) If you could do anything you wanted with your life , free of the confines of money , what would it be ? I realized I had two passions in front of me that I haven 't pursued fully because of little things like money and education . One of my passions is traveling . I love to travel , experience new things , go places . The problem has always been for Jason and I that we have had other priorities that were more important , like paying off debt , that have taken our money . And while we still have plans for money this year , I have told Jason that eventually , we are going to have to work in spending our money going and seeing new places every once in a while . Not only for us , but for the kids . It 's not fair to them that they grow up not seeing new places , just because we choose to spend money on other things . And it 's not fair for us that we don 't travel . I don 't want to wake up as an 80 year old one day , realizing I had spent all of my money on garage sales and going out to eat , when I could have seen Europe or Colorado and had wondeful memories . My second passion is without a doubt , writing . When I think back throughout my life , I have always enjoyed writing . I have always written . I used to write in journals . I would write letters to express my feelings . I have researched and found opinions in all different topics and wanted to write about it . At one point , I really thought I would want to write a book about my life , although that 's not something I think I would like to do anymore . Why am I not writing for a living ? I obviously write on this blog regularly , so I know I love it . Well , it 's hard to find a job as a writer without a journalism degree . Did you know that when I started college at age 18 , I was getting a mass communications degree ? I knew way back then what I was passionate about , yet didn 't finish and never pursued a career in that field . Not sure what I am going to do about that just yet , but writing needs to be something that is incorporated in my career somehow . I just think without a passion , we all just drift around aimlessly without a goal in life . Every great thing ( and bad thing , even ) has started from a passion for something . What is your passion ? Are you pursuing your passion in some way every day ? I am curious how many of you are actually working in the industry where your passion lies . 0 This weekend , we were a host home for Disciple Now . We had the high school boys , so I wasn 't super involved in small group and free time at our house , but I was able to participate in their afternoon activity and worship time on Saturday night . ( For those parents of the boys who are reading this , they were ALL WONDERFUL , very mannerly , and kind to the kids ! I have no idea if they were loud , we have a large house and I couldn 't hear a peep , but I don 't know if that 's good insulation or kids who went to bed early . I am thinking it 's the insulation - although it 's proof to me that I will host again ! ) The man that spoke , Chad , talked to the kids on Saturday about what it means to be a disciple . Basically , it means to " reproduce reproducers . " He also said they did a study once to see how long it took for the words of Jesus to spread after His death to everyone in the world . They said , if everyone who knew about him told 3 people and they kept telling 3 people and on and on , it would have taken 37 years to spread across the world . That was a pretty interesting statistic ! He also said that most revivals that happen in the world are started by teenagers . This doesn 't surprise me in the least bit . Teenagers are a perfect age to be excited to spread the word , it 's such a pure love of Jesus , you haven 't gone through tons of trials and tribulations in your life at that point . I think when we become adults , it gets harder and harder to share Jesus with others . I wish it wasn 't like that . I know these kids will never understand this until they become adults ( in their early 30 's with a husband and three children and responsibilities ) but I told them today that this will be the best time in their whole life , to be friends with other people who share their same faith , to get to spend weekends and weeks together , worshipping Jesus , and to be fed and led in fellowship . And I told them that there might be so many kids who never know that church can be fun , and what Jesus can do . And to always make sure you invite people to come be a part of it with you . Because you are only young once and to love it now , because it will never be like that again . This weekend really convicted me that I don 't invite people to come to church with me , and I should . I don 't invite people to be a part of my church family , and I need to . It can all start with one invitation . What a wonderful weekend and what a great reminder of youth group memories ! I told Kim , the host of the high school girls , that back in the old days , either mine or her house would have been covered in toilet paper this morning . Thank goodness it wasn 't ! 0 As parents who only get partial visitation , we always struggle with effective punishments for bad behavior when we only have kids who are with us first , third and fifth weekends every month . When we have the kids for a week , like this one for Spring Break , it becomes harder and more challenging . We are kind of at a loss , and have been for the three years we 've been together . With each kid so far , 7 really begins the age where kids start to become more set in their ways and their personalities . You start to get more and more frustrated when they make bad choices . Eight is the age that we both feel kids can really start becoming accountable for bad behavior . Not so much stuff like , you aren 't cleaning your room or helping with chores . It 's stuff like , " You are old enough to understand that what you just said is hurtful . " And you start to be more disappointed with things they say and do because you feel like they know better , and are purposely doing things that are either disobediant , irresponsible , or mean . I started getting really upset with Jordan at this age because he has a tendency to run off at the mouth . Before he was 8 , you could still kind of blame it on " he doesn 't know any better . " But after 8 , you know that he knows what he is saying is ugly , and yet he just says it anyway . We 've grown past that stage for the most part , but it was alot of struggling and spending the weekends getting on to him , which both of us felt bad about . Now , we are getting to that point with Sophia . She has never been a kid who talks back , or at least when she does , it 's never malicious or disrespectful . So , the two of them have had totally different obstacles to overcome , and it 's because every kid is different with different personalities and tendencies . So just when you think you 've got one down , here comes the next . Sophia has always been a kid who doesn 't keep up with her stuff . Stuff really never means anything to her , not really . If we take her stuff away , she will just find something else to fill that void . Jordan was never like that . We never had to tell him to clean up his stuff , and not because he is just super clean . It 's because his stuff was always really important to him . He doesn 't want to lose bullets to his Nerf gun because it means he won 't be able to play with them . And he knows we aren 't going to keep buying him more and more . He keeps up with Legos like a mad man . He always knows where his stuff is , his room is ALWAYS organized . Not Sophia . Not Sophia at all . We are continually finding random stuff of hers all over the house . We find a pile of clothes where she decided to change clothes in the middle of the playroom and just leaves them there . We find shoes everywhere . Her toys are all over the place and she never cleans them up without us having to get onto her . She takes jackets off and throws them hither and yon and when we go to find it again , she has no idea where she left them . Her lack of awareness isn 't just with her stuff . We still have to move cups away from the edge of the table because she knocks them over because she really just has no idea her cup exists and that it 's right by her arm . It 's just like in some aspects , we are dealing with a kid who is still 4 years old and needs to be constantly watched , constantly talked to . We have to make sure she has all of the stuff she had when she walked into the store with , or else it will get left there . Most of the time , if her little candies or toys get lost , I don 't really care because it 's either stuff that cost nothing or is worth nothing . But when it 's jackets we spend money on that we shouldn 't have to buy again or soccer equipment or things like that , it gets a little annoying . This week , I took the kids to the library . The second we walked in , she threw her jacket at me and I told her I wasn 't going to keep with up with my stuff , Avery 's stuff and Avery and Sophia 's jacket to . We left , and went to the grocery store . We came home . About two hours later , she wanted to go play outside and I told her to put on her jacket , which of course , we couldn 't find . I told her to go find it , but in the back of my mind I knew she had left it in that library . She looked for about 2 . 5 seconds and then proceeded to go into her room and put her skates on to go outside . Her dad and I walked in and said , " did you find your jacket ? " " No " she said . It wasn 't that she lost it . Accidents happen . It was the fact that this was one in a long line of things she 'd either broken or lost and didn 't seem to care or be scared of consequences , she didn 't feel bad . She didn 't even fear getting in to trouble . We had both just had it . We tried to find a way to get through to her , to make her feel bad or something , something to make her more aware and more accountable . We yelled . Nothing . We starting taking her stuff away every time we found something she 'd left out . Nothing . We made her clean for two hours ( mostly all of the messes she 'd made around the house . ) Nothing . At dinner , it was the same old thing . Tonight , at dinner , she spilled an entire soda after we 'd told her five minutes before to be careful with the cup since the lid wasn 't on tight , to which she responded to by picking the cup up BY it 's lid ( after she 'd lost the cup in the restaurant somewhere in the first place . ) It 's so hard because she is only with us for four more days and you really don 't like spending the entire time being mad at a kid for this kind of stuff . You can 't ground her , you can 't do anything to really upsets her , she is too positive a person so she always makes the best of it . But the purpose of punishment , in my opinion , is to a ) make kids aware that bad choices have consequences and b ) make them understand how to not do the same thing aI am the queen of discipline . I HATE being the bad guy , but I am nothing if not consistant . I have struggled over the years , especially with my step - kids with being firm and not feeling like I am always the bad guy , but I would like to think that if anything , at least they understand where they stand with me and what behavior is not OK in my house . I research all the time of different ways I can approach things . The problem is , when it 's step - kids that you don 't see all the time , NONE of the punishments can be long term . For that matter , none of the rewards can be long term . And if you take something away at your house on a Sunday afternoon , they will just get that back at their mom 's house Sunday night . I am sure at some point , we are going to have to start coordinating punishments , but I don 't see that happening when you have two households who don 't hold the same importance to certain things . So , here we stand . There aren 't that many effective resources for this type of stuff . I would like to think it 's probably because most fathers with custody like Jason 's aren 't fathers like Jason , where they have fathers and step - mothers who care about what their kids do and say . There are some , but I am sure that most kids who see their dads only every other weekend don 't have this same problem . Jason and I both feel as though we owe it to the kids to treat them just like any other kids , and that means raising them to make choices we want them to make , that are right , and that they grow into a responsible Christian adult . But sometimes , you just don 't have the right answers to be able to do that really effectively . And I think all kids are different so you can 't hold them all to the same standard . Each kid has their own pitfalls to overcome , so you have to treat them as such . Both of them have thrown us a few curveballs where we just look at each other and say , " What the . . . ? " Kids . What are you gonna do . One thing working moms miss out on is playdates . I just have never had one , especially not one during the weekdays . And Jordan and Sophia have never really had friends over at our house , since all of their friends live in Flower Mound . Well , we are glad we are a part of a church with people we are becoming friends with and with kids their age . Today , we had our first playdate ! Tomorrow , it will be Jordan 's turn to have a friend over ( although at their age , I don 't think 11 year olds have " playdates " especially boys . They are having Nerf wars and I am hiding in my room with the younger girls for shelter ! ) And I also took the kids to McDs today , and of course , whatever Sophia did , Avery had to do . Those two girls are two peas in a very rambunctoius pod . Happy Wednesday everyone ! I heard on the radio about CSI Day for kids at the 6th Floor Museum in Dallas for kids . I haven 't ever been to the 6th Floor Museum in 33 years , so I was pretty excited about taking Jordan . I have to say , this was a cool event . They had the entire 7th floor set up completely , with a crime scene , forensic stations , eyewitness accounts , and video surveillance footage . And everyone that worked the stations was so happy to answer your questions and never once did they act annoyed that we kept asking the same questions over and over . An ambassador had died and you had to figure out who killed him and how . Each station gave you different clues but you really had to think about it . We were there for over an hour and we did guess the correct suspect ! I haven 't been good about keeping a calendar and it 's getting to the point where we have so much going on , that 's a requirement . So , we have a car in the shop , I took the train home from work , and Jason had to go pick up all three kids . And halfway home , they say , " Aren 't we going to open house ? " Crud , we both thought . We knew about this , their mom told us , and we completely forgot . So he drove all the way to Irving to pick me up at the train station , then we had to turn around and go back to Flower Mound . Ugh . But , it was worth it . I love seeing the things the kids have done at school ! They always surprise me because they are asked to do things at school that involve them writing about their families . I always forget that I am one of their " parents " and so when I see my name listed as their step - mom in one of their projects and how much they love me , it 's still surprising ! I know that sounds weird . It 's like , remembering that they still think about me when I am not around . Sophia wrote about herself and listed math as her favorite subject , which completely surprised me , and that she loves to read , which we can never make her do at our house . It always makes me wonder how much we know them outside of our house . She also wrote about her dad , and I LOVE seeing what the kids write about their dad . She said he was 100 feet tall and 100 pounds , that if she had a million dollars she would buy him candy ( she knows him pretty well ) and that he loves to play on the playground . She also put together a powerpoint teaches us about different land masses , so I learned a little something ! And he also wrote a poem about his Poppy which was so sweet . I am really interested in seeing how Jordan grows up , especially now that he is starting middle school next year . He wants to do band , he loves poetry and art , and he loves creating things . I think Jordan is going to be a kid I can relate to ! Jordan did a poster about himself and wrote about his siblings . The kids NEVER forget that they have three siblings , two little sisters on earth and a little brother , Henry , who is in heaven . That 's exactly how they tell people about their brother . Their great - grandfather just passed away on their mom 's side and they told us that he is there , watching Henry . Sophia even told us she prays every day now for her family . So sweet . We went to Taco Bell afterwards , which we hardly ever go to , but maybe the completely unhealthy food made us want to make funny faces . Can you tell Avery loves her big sister and wants to do everything just like her ? ! ? I am off with the kids next week for Spring Break , and even though it 's not a " vacation " I am still really looking forward to it ! I love that my job is flexible enough to allow me time off like this so when we have the kids , I can be off and even work from home if I needed to . It certainly makes like a lot easier . I always do the girls ' hair . But Jason has informed me that before me , he could put Sophia 's hair in a mean ponytail , and said once Avery 's hair was long enough , he would do the same for her . This morning I was getting ready , so he did Avery 's hair . It was too cute not to take a picture of . I couldn 't help but think that not all girls in the world know what it 's like to have a dad that would lovingly do their hair , or play with them , or do voices for them , or play dress up for them , or wrestle with them , or bathe them . And a part of me got sad for all of those girls who won 't know what that 's like . I am so blessed to have a wonderful father for my baby girl , and I hope she always knows how lucky she is to have a daddy who loves her so much . |
Back ChaptersStory Index1 . Meeting Lucy2 . The Sorting3 . Ten Names , Tea Dregs , and Dancing Toast Men4 . A Chat with the Cat5 . The Day After6 . An Eventful Train Ride Home7 . The Potter Parents Meet Lucy8 . Summers - - Part One9 . Summers - - Part 210 . Welcome " Home " Lucy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . And Hello Lily ! 11 . Secrets Discovered12 . Wild Magic and the Disappearance of Lily 's Bed13 . Knot 's Explosion14 . Introducing . . . . . . Professor Whit ! 15 . Memories of a Past Forgotten16 . Chocolate Pudding Monster17 . Nimbus 2000s and a New Name18 . Hogsmeade19 . Crescendo Next Lucy Potter by fullmoontonightO It was about 11 : 30 that same night when near every student in Hogwarts spilled out of the large tent Lucy had set up out by Black Lake , all laughing . Many of them were coated in bubbles and all of them had hats of varying degrees of oddness . Others , those not coated in bubbles , were either soaked through with an unrecognizable liquid or toting oversized puzzles . These puzzles looked like toys , yet they were each very complicated and intricate brain busters , all different . Each student that was carting one of the immense puzzles had to focus on not falling over as they laughed and stumbled their way up towards the castle . Those who didn 't have the extra large , Hagrid - sized puzzles had smaller scale puzzles , amazingly just as hard as the larger ones . . . . . . . . . And there , laughing amongst the students , eyes bright and shining as they 'd never done before this craziness descended upon her , was Lucy . She looked as though each moment she spent as a professor at Hogwarts made her happier and happier , as if all the time she spent amongst the students brightened her to the point that she seemed to have boundless energy . No one that looked at her , almost laughably small in her professional professor 's robes , could deny that , could deny her happiness . It was so obvious that Lucy had found a place where she felt she belonged , though she didn 't know or realize it in the least . And yet it was true , all of it . Lucy grinned brightly as she made her way quickly to where the winner of the largest puzzle , one Samuel Preston , shouldering it as she got to his side . Luckily for Sam , Lucy had made it to his side just before the puzzle got too much for him . He grinned his thanks at his favorite professor of all time , she nodding easily and taking more of the weight of the puzzle from him . Once the rambunctious group was inside the castle , Lucy carefully tipped Sam 's puzzle into a standing position so that she could address her rowdy club ' members ' . " ' Scuse me everyone ! " Lucy called gently , the group immediately quieting and giving her their attention . She smiled brilliantly at them and the students glowed under her silent praise . It was always easy to see when Lucy was proud of them , and she was always proud of them , even for the littlest things . It made them try all the harder to earn that special smile of hers , to have her give them that look that no other teacher - heck , most adults - never gave them in all the time they 'd been alive . It had been a long time since they 'd thought her one of them and not an adult , their professor . . . . . . . Even Lucy 's ' colleagues ' had long forgotten that the arrangement was temporary , having already accepted Lucy into their little ' circle ' of adults - even Minerva had completely forgotten everything involving Lucy 's student life at Hogwarts . Lucy was , for lack of better words , a professor of Hogwarts . By definition , by belief . . . . . . . . " I know that you 're all hyped up and everything , and that we ran later than usual , but let 's try to keep ourselves outta trouble , okay ? " Lucy grinned , a mischievous spark lighting in her eyes . She needn 't explain herself to the large group , all of whom had long learned that when the mischievous light sparkled in Lucy 's eyes , something of the like would either come out of her mouth , or happen . " I know it seems a daunting prospect , especially when Mr . Filch is patrolling the halls with Mrs . Norris for any soilers of the castle and all , but I 'm sure a detention with me would indeed be a horrible , horrible experience . " Laughter , so much laughter . Lucy hadn 't given any detentions in the five days she 'd been a professor at Hogwarts , but there wasn 't one person that didn 't doubt that it would be the easiest , most enjoyable detention ever . Lucy 's eyes were made of light as she grinned and waited patiently for the laughter to subside before offering her help to anyone that needed it . " I can help carry the prizes back , or clean you off or whatever . Oh , and if you get caught by any of my lovely colleagues , just tell them you were with me , okay ? If they don 't believe you - and honestly , I would think they would - just tell me and I 'll get you out of whatever trouble you landed in . " Lucy paused a moment , eyeing James , Sirius , Remus , and Peter speculatively . " And by that , I mean trouble involving returning directly back to your House from here . " The four boys grinned widely , some students covering their mouths to hide their knowing smiles : They all knew that Lucy would be willing to get any of them out of any trouble they got into on the way back . Of course , none of them would take advantage of this knowledge - or Lucy - but still . They weren 't worried , not about getting in trouble , not if Lucy was involved . It was almost laughable , actually , when Lucy ' warned ' them every night about not getting in trouble . One of nights in particular - the one when the Giant Squid crashed the party in an attempt , which resulted in Lucy allowiNevertheless , the partied out students bid their farewells to Lucy and separated , those without ginormous puzzles helping those with ginormous puzzles . . . . . . . . Without having to be asked by Lucy , which made the little Divination Professor positively glow with pride and admiration for her students . Not even Sam , it turned out , had needed her help to get his puzzle back to his House . Lucy outright beamed at that , though she had enough tact to refrain from spinning around happily until all her students were out of sight . Lucy absolutely , positively loved each and every one of the students she got to teach . It wasn 't an intense fondness , no , it was pure love . She could see them , see them like no one else had ever seen them , and had been awed by the goodness each one contained , the goodness each was able bestow upon the world . Each and every one of them , regardless of House , age , sex , race , or whatever , was capable of so much good that it filled Lucy with a kind of happiness that she 'd never felt before . . . . . . . . Though she obviously couldn 't name the feeling then , it would be clear to anyone who 'd witnessed the life she lived at home that what she was currently feeling , was hope . Lucy loved the students for everything they were , and everything they could be . They were good , all of them , and they all were wonderful . And for Lucy to be privileged enough to teach them , to help prepare them for what came after Hogwarts . . . . . . . . For them to allow her to give them all she knew , for them to allow her to learn of them . . . . . . . . Each moment was precious . . . . . . . . More precious then gold , silver , anything . Each moment Lucy was given with her students , given to learn , to live , to help , was wonderful . Precious . Delicate . It wouldn 't last , Lucy knew that . Her time with her students wouldn 't last , could never last - even if she would be allowed to remain a professor . The point of a teacher , after all , was to teach , not to keep students from living . How could Lucy wish for even a moment to keep them with her , when the world that was waiting for them , was theirs ? How could anyone , anyone at all , dare to think that the ' children ' didn 't deserve it ? All of it ? No , the people Lucy had been gifted to teach deserved the world . They deserved happiness , deserved knowledge - all of them . They all deserved not just the best , not just good times , but times in which their character , strength , and minds would be challenged , be tested . They deserved not only the good parts of life , but also the downsides : The troubles , the challenges , the times in which one feels as if they can go no further . They deserved these experiences , these times in which they could learn of who they were . For a person cannot learn of themselves during times of happiness : It was when things began to landslide that people found out whether they could fight against the tumbling rocks , or allow themselves to be carried away by them . ' Jamie ' . That had been Baby 's first word . ' Jamie ' . Not ' ma - ma ' , or ' da - da ' . It had been ' Jamie ' . Just Jamie , nothing else . Baby had said it simply enough , as if she 'd been talking since she 'd been born . There was no pre - word stumbling , or constant repeating once she 'd gotten it right . Baby seemed completely unphased by her first word ; all she had wanted , it had seemed , was James ' attention . They had been gathered outside when Baby had spoken her first word , out on the grass . The Potters had decided on a light picnic dinner instead of a boring , normal dinner . They did things like that every so often , just to add some fun into their lives . Not only did the elder Potters enjoy it , but James loved their spontaneous trips here and there to do absolutely nothing . And , though Baby was simply that , she seemed to love nothing more than to be outside , as well . All in all , the impromptu outings that the Potters went on together were quite enjoyed by the whole family . The elder Potters had decided to skip their normal dinner in favor of a family picnic out in a clearing off in their woods - the one that would one day become James ' private hideout . So , the two began making sandwiches and packing things into the well - used picnic basket that was almost like a family friend to the four . James had wanted to help , of course , and had been allowed to do so . He had chosen to make PB + J sandwiches , despite the fact that his parents had chosen ham and cheese for the sandwiches - easy to make , and less mess for the House Elves later . James was resolute in his choice , though , insisting that making PB + J was not only more fun , but that it was easier for Baby to eat . The Potters didn 't mind the mess so much ; James was enjoying himself and besides that , there wasn 't a mess that couldn 't be cleaned , right ? Again , the elder Potters had to smile and feel that swell of love that always overcame them when they thought of how wonderful James was with his baby sister . Ever since she had been born , Baby had been James ' entire world . He was forever talking to her , playing with her , showing her things . He was always so careful with her , so aware that she could be easily injured . James always seemed to know what Baby needed , and when , and why . He and Baby shared a deep bond , always deepening with all the time James spent with her . James taught Baby everything he could with his one - year - old vocabulary , which was slightly better than other one - year - olds . He showed and shared his favorite toys with her , told her stories he made up , acted things out for her . . . . . . . . His favorite thing to do , though , was to make Baby laugh . James , at that time , seemed to live for another moment with which he could make his little sister laugh , make her happy . Her laughter was often heard in the house - a sound that made all who heard it smile . Baby rarely fussed or cried , which at times made it hard for the Potter parents to know what she needed , but she was an angel . And , with James almost always at his younger sister 's side , he able to understand her better than anyone else seemed to - even Twinkle , who was Baby 's own person House Elf - Baby was no problem . For anyone . Which was a good thing , as James was always insistent on helping to take care of her . He knew how to feed her , how to burp her - everything he could do , he did . But , and this the elder Potters considered nothing short of a miracle - James always seemed to know when doing his best at something concerning Baby wouldn 't be good for her . If he couldn 't do something properly , he allowed his parents to do it , in order to keep her as safe as he could . It was heart - warming , really , to see how much James loved his little sister : Merlin knew the elder Potters could never keep from smiling when they saw how close their two children were , how much of a good big brother James was . David and Elaine Potter both had burst into laughter when they saw their son with a large bowl over his head , running around the room in a decidedly random manner , making odd faces and grinning at Baby . James had not only a bowl on his head , though , but had somehow gotten covered in flour and paint . . . . . . . . Not mentioning the towel round his neck and the large , upside - down J on his chest . And there , eyes shining as she laughed at her older brother , was Baby . She was still clean , though it was obvious that she 'd wanted to play and get coated , as well . James looked as though he was having so much fun , what with how he was jumping upon the furniture and attempting to stand on his head or hands , only to continually tumble into a roll thing which left both children laughing . James didn 't seem to notice his parents ' entrance , though Baby had immediately sensed them there in the doorway , even before they 'd burst into the laughter that clued James in to their presence . Baby gurgled in a way that could barely be described as adorable it was so endearing , holding her arms out to them to be picked up out of her high chair . David was happy to oblige , as Elaine caught James up in her arms . " Mum ! Dad ! I can fly ! Did you see you me fly ? ! " James asked excitedly , eyes bright . Before either parent could answer , he leaned over and tugged one of Baby 's dark curls affectionately , pure love shining deeply in his eyes . " Baby saw me fly , didn 't you , wonderful ? " He said , quieter than before . He was always quieter when he was talking with Baby , as if the things he spoke with her about were so important that volume was no longer a way to convey their meaning . The smile that lit up Baby 's face seemed to light up the room as well as she reached out to her big brother , little hands grabbing for him excitedly . Both James and Baby laughed , and they looked and sounded so happy that Elaine felt a surprising tug of guilt as she carefully took a step away from David . A quick look in her husband 's direction told her that he felt the same . " Sorry little guy : You need to be clean before you go carrying Baby . " James looked crestfallen , but nodded nonetheless . When it came to Baby , James was compliant like nothing else could make him . Anything that would help her , or was for her good , James was willing to do in the blink of an eye , without so much as a whisper of a complaint to run through his mind . Baby didn 't look as unhappy , though she became quiet and looked up at David , eyes clearly expressing what her guarded face didn 't show . Her father blinked in surprise at how much his daughter 's eyes seemed to contain , at such a young age , but when he tried to look again , Baby had blinked , and her eyes had gone back to normal . It was as if he 'd only imagined all that he 'd seen within them , but David knew better , knew that Baby was special - and he wasn 't just saying that as her father , either . Elaine took James off to get clean while David took Baby to the kitchen with him , so he could clean the peanut - butter - jelly mess James had left behind . It seemed fair , in a way : David was cleaning the mess left behind , Elaine was cleaning the mess taken with . Unfortunately for the fairness , David had arrived in the kitchen too late : The House Elves had already been here and cleaned everything . David sighed slightly , shook his head . He looked at his daughter and gave a helpless shrug . " What can I say , Baby ? " He asked rhetorically , looking at where the mess had been . " When you have House Elves , unless you manage to beat them to it , they will clean your messes before you can . Don 't get me wrong " David continued with a grin , adjusting Baby in his arms as she poked his nose and tugged at his ears experimentally . " I don 't mind it that much , but I would like to feel of more use around here than this . " David shrugged again , the motion making Baby laugh as she shifted in his arms slightly . " Remember Baby ; cleaning up after your messes - or the messes of someone you care about - is not in any way anything to be ashamed of . Oh , there are people out there who believe themselves above cleaning and responsibility " David said , not noticing how Baby had fallen silent and was looking up at him with intensely intelligent eyes . " but we Potters , we 're not like that . " David grinned down at his little girl , again startled by the depth of which her eyes contained . She blinked and it was gone again , replaced with the laughing , loving eyes of a baby once more . Before David could even try to figure out what had just happened , Elaine was back with James , who immediately bounded over to his father and wordlessly demanded to hold Baby . As he was but just over one , James had to sit on the floor in order to do this safely . He could care less , though - on the contrary , James sat without so much as a word from either parent , knowing perfectly well that the risk of dropping his baby sister was not one he would ever take . Again , the swell of love and pride swept over the Potter parents as they handed Baby to James . The smiles that lit the two children 's faces filled David and Elaine with an unmistakable warmth as James began whispering softly to Baby , who tugged at his hair with delight . After a bit longer , it was time to head out to the clearing . James was carrying the large basket proudly , Elaine carrying Baby . David , having felt left out with his wife and son each carrying something , took the blanket from atop the basket and wrapped it around him , draping it over his shoulders and around his head , causing immediate laughter . He looked so silly , with the oversized , patterned blanket wrapped round him , practically hiding him from the sun as David pretended to be a little old woman - made funnier by the fact that he was a tall man . When they came to the clearing , though , he once more became David Potter - a respectable , kind man whom many admired and had countless great qualities he was determined to teach his two children with the help of his wife , Elaine Potter , whom he loved with every part of his being . He smiled , eyes twinkling , as he grandly let James pick a place for the blanket , sweeping it over his shoulder and bowing low to his son , who giggled at the sight . It made David feel intensely proud of his son when James intentionally picked a spot away from the water so as to be sure that Baby couldn 't fall in and come to harm . After James had picked their picnic spot , the Potters unloaded everything and began eating , James immediately jumping at the chance to feed Baby . True , she couldn 't eat the PB + J sandwiches he 'd made - though the two children had enjoyed them thoroughly , of course , when James had been parading round for Baby - but she could eat the baby food David had been sure to pack into the basket . Which James had made sure was there before they 'd left the house , a gesture which Elaine caught and had no choice but to kiss the little boy for . James was just so thoughtful when it came to Baby , so careful and responsible that it was hard to see anything bad ever being allowed to happen to her while James was around . James ignored his own sandwich as he gently fed Baby her baby food , making sure to keep a hand on her back to keep her from falling over . Baby allowed him to feed her until the first container had been finished ; then , she refused . When James didn 't understand what she was trying to tell him without words , Baby made the closest she could get to actually pointing at her age , aimed at James ' sandwich . He looked from the sandwich to Baby and back , confused . " You can 't eat that yet , Baby . " He said , then tapped the lid of one of the baby food containers . " You can eat this . " Baby said nothing , though a surprising look of concentration crossed her features , almost comical on the little face . Finally , finally it seemed that the little girl could think of no other way of getting her point across but speaking , so she did . " Jamie . " She said , tiny voice clear and strong as she once again tried to convey what she meant to her older brother . This time , though , he understood perfectly , even without her motioning to his sandwich : She wanted him to eat . Of course , he thought even less about eating now : Baby had just said her first word , and it was his name ! Needless to say , David and Elaine were ecstatic that Baby had said her first word . They immediately set to trying to make her speak more , but the little girl seemed to be done speaking for the day and simply leaned foreword to grab at James ' sandwich . James caught her from toppling over without thought , that same look still on his face as he looked down at her little face . His parents hadn 't noticed this look , too overcome with the shock of Baby 's sudden first word . Baby was the only one that saw the look on James ' face and , unable to do much else , raised her arms to her big brother so as to receive a hug . He picked her up and held her close to him - not tightly , just close - and whispered into her ear , trying not to let tears of joy overtake him . " I love you . " The little boy whispered to his baby sister , to which she simply smiled and gave him a look that he immediately understood . He didn 't need to say what he was thinking ; Baby knew . The little smile grew into an outright grin , almost laughably out of place on her tiny face . " You 're tutoring , right ? " He asked needlessly : Everyone knew that Lucy had been tutoring students of all ages in all classes . Why James of all students was asking about anything in reference to extra study time , though . . . . . . . . Lucy felt a little tickle at the back of her mind , as though it were trying to tell her something . It was one word , really , and not something she had been thinking about before . So why had she - " Can you tutor me in Quidditch ? " Lucy 's face lit up with an all - out grin as she realized just why the word Quidditch had popped into her mind . She wasn 't surprised , not really : She always seemed to know what James was thinking , and he her , most of the time . " Right . Divination 's your thing , sorry : I forgot . " Most teachers would take off points for being spoken to like that , though it was obvious that James hadn 't meant it in an offensive way . Lucy didn 't even bat an eye , and he continued . " But I figured since you 've been helping people in all different subjects , you could help me in this one . " Lucy knew his logic was fine - she 'd expected something alone the lines of that , honestly . Just about any other professor presented with it , though , would 've ignored it - if James would 've been able to get that far . " Misters Black , Remus , and Pettigrew ? If you could please come out from behind that statue ? " Remus ' quiet chuckle was barely heard over Sirius ' barklike laugh as Peter could be heard whispering as to how she knew they were there . Lucy only laughed at this - she could care less that they 'd been spying as they , too , waited for an answer . Unlike just about any adult - most people , actually . Then again , it was Lucy - she was nothing if not terribly easygoing . Only someone who truly wanted to and worked at harassing Lucy could ever come vaguely close to making her flip out on them . . . . . . . And even then . . . . . . . Lucy waited for Sirius , Remus , and Peter to come out of their hiding places before answering , James still grinning cheerily . She thought over what he was saying , then nodded thoughtfully . " Okay , then , Mr . Potter . You have a deal . Meet me at the Quidditch Pitch at around four this afternoon , alright ? " James nodded excitedly , as did Sirius . And no wonder : James was a Quidditch nut , Sirius also being an avid Quidditch fan . Remus like the sport fine , and could play rather decently , but wasn 't as crazy about it as James and Sirius . Peter liked Quidditch as well , though he admittedly wasn 't very good - he more liked talking about and watching the sport than actually playing anyway . Instead , she spent near all her time out on the Pitch , basically learning everything from scratch except broom basics . It was a good thing she was such a fast learner - and that Quidditch seemed to be in her blood - or else she mightn 't have been ready for James and whatever posse would follow him onto the Pitch . She was ready for them , though , which brought a large grin to her face . The last couple of hours had flown by - no pun intended - as Lucy simply had fun with the equipment . She was wearing the school equipment , yes - all but the uniforms . As a teacher , she couldn 't pick a team uniform and wear it - it wouldn 't be right . Instead , Lucy had donned a more durable robe than she 'd been wearing , tweaking it a bit . Or more than a bit . . . . . . . . Not that it made much difference , really , not to her . Either way , she was ready and waiting for James when he walked onto the Pitch at four on the nose . Lucy hadn 't needed to check the time to know that James was right on the dot . She 'd known he wouldn 't be late for their meeting - even if it hadn 't been for Quidditch , Lucy knew he would 've been on time . Nonetheless , she grinned up at the taller boy mischievously , pretending to take in the large group of guys behind him . " Sorry ma ' am , " James said , giving Lucy more respect as a professor than he gave even Dumbledore . " But they heard about our session and wanted to tag along . He shrugged as if to say that he couldn 't help them following , though his eyes carried an identical sparkle of mischief as Lucy 's as he spoke those words . " That 'd be brilliant . " James said with a crooked grin , eyes bright , and Lucy laughed slightly , just as happy as he was . And why not ? Why not be happy when there was so much to be happy about , when she was surrounded by what she saw as a bright promise for the future ? James was playing with Baby in her room , directly beside his . The large , sturdy wooden door hung open , beautiful in itself , though nothing compared to what lay behind it . No , not the room - though it was a wonderful room for a small child and baby , without a doubt - but the small child and baby that play in the room the door hid . " Look , Baby ! " James said excitedly , showing Baby a perfect , cuddle - sized pillow in the shape of a Snitch . He had already showed her , with great excitement , the small broom that allowed him to fly about a foot above the ground . As he carefully handed the pillow to Baby so that she might become familiar with it , James continued speaking happily . " When you and me are big enough , we can play Quimmitch together ! " He enthused exuberantly , his mispronunciation of the word Quidditch making the time he was spending with Baby all the more adorable - it 'd be a while before he could pronounce Quidditch correctly . " I 'm gonna be the very very very first person you play with ! Right Baby ? " He asked brightly , knowing without a doubt that Baby would agree with him . He took the glowing smile and wondrous sound of Baby 's laughter as the yes it was , and gave her forehead a quick kiss . " Me , I 'm gonna practice and practice so I get better and better ! I love Quimmitch , Baby ! " James informed his little sister cheerily , she smiling at his happiness . Baby held her hands up to James , who immediately - and carefully - pulled her into his lap so she might sit closer to him . Baby loved sitting in James ' lap when they talked : He often showed her things with his hands , or helped her with whatever she was holding at the time . James didn 't mind - quite the opposite , actually ! He absolutely loved having Baby in his lap . It made him feel as though he were protecting her , keeping her safe . Not only that , but it was almost a reassurance to have her so close to him . Baby was his best friend and his only sibling , and he loved her in a way that could not be accurately put into words - like the look that had appeared on his face when she first spoke his name , it was a rare thing that would only come twice more , that specific love . Baby made James feel strong , and brave . But at the same time , she also made him feel as though it were okay to be afraid , or to mess up . Though their parents tried hard to teach James this even before Baby had been born - that he didn 't need to be perfect - it had been Baby that had brought that to the small boy . . . . . . Even before Baby was born , James was always trying to be close to her . He would spend hours on end sitting with his mother , both of his little hands on her stomach as well as his ear , whispering to his little sister . " When you get big and we go to Bogmarts - " James had meant to say Hogwarts , of course , but having only heard the name once and , seeing as how he hadn 't been paying the least attention , the name hadn 't really sunk in properly . " - together , we 're going to have so much fun ! We can play Quimmitch and have the same friends and never be away from each other no matter what ever . " James paused , thinking hard , while Baby played with one of his hands , comparing it to her small ones , the stuffed Snitch laying forgotten on her little lap . " Maybe we can try to go at the same time , even if you 're littler than me . " James looked somewhat troubled . " I don 't want to go to Bogmarts without you , Baby . " He said unhappily . The tone in which he spoke registered in Baby 's mind instantly , she dropping his hand and attempting to turn around and reach out to him . James smiled gently down at Baby , sweeping her up delicately from his lap into a hug . Then , laying down carefully , he set her atop his stomach and made the silliest face he could think of . Baby laughed happily , and so did James . They continued in their play for a while longer , until James noticed Baby getting tired and carefully put her on the floor . Telling her to stay where she was , he went to her crib and unhooked the side , sliding it out of the way and down onto the ground so he might be able to put her in - without his parents ' help . When the crib side was out of the way , James picked Baby up , she having stayed obediently where he 'd placed her , and gently deposited her in her crib . She smiled tiredly up at him , and he tucked her in lovingly , smiling right back at her . He looked around a moment before spotting the stuffed Snitch laying on the floor . With a large , proud grin , James grabbed the stuffed Snitch and gave it to Baby , helping her to hold it as comfortably as she could . She already had a pillow , after all - the stuffed Snitch was more a teddy bear than anything to James , who was letting her borrow it . Most likely , though , Baby would end up keeping it . . . . . . . A lot of James ' things were in joint custody with his little sister at this point . He couldn 't help himself , honestly : If something brought him happiness , and brought Baby happiness , he at least wanted to share it with her . After all , nothing made him happier than seeing her happy . " To catch you , Baby ; Cradle and all . " Baby smiled , all but asleep already . James smiled too , leaning over and giving her another kiss before closing and securing the opened side of the crib so she didn 't roll out of it in her sleep . " I love you , Baby . " He whispered . " Jamie . " Baby said sleepily : It was the only word she ever bothered saying , but it was enough . James beamed and watched though the crib 's bars as Baby fell asleep , one hand holding one of hers lightly , falling asleep there himself after a time . David walked by not too long after James fell asleep to check up on his children . He stopped and smiled , shaking his head lovingly as he leant in the doorway a moment , taking the scene before him in . There was James , curled up next to Baby 's crib , one hand resting atop one of Baby 's . He was barely propped up on the side of the crib , one arm inside the bars and , basically , holding him up . His head was , naturally , resting on his shoulder - though one side of his face was already beginning to copy the lines of the crib 's bars . And there , in the crib , all tucked in and fast asleep , was Baby herself , looking very content and seeming to be clutching at James ' hand tightly , even in her sleep . Both of her little hands were holding James ' hand , which she was both resting her head upon as if it were better than any pillow , and cuddling , the stuffed Snitch forgotten , replaced with James ' hand . Baby , though James had laid her down at the other side of the crib , was right by his side , the only thing between the two of them being the crib 's side . This was how it was every time James put Baby to bed . The two seemed to gravitate to each other in their sleep , just as they did when they were awake . It was just so endearing , so adorable . They loved each other so much , even though they were so young . They , despite their astonishingly young ages , depended on each other so much that it seemed one would die if the other did . David smiled , eyes shining , as he slowly removed James from Baby , and Baby from James . Baby stirred , a slight frown on her face , but David gave her James ' favorite stuffed Snitch and she calmed right down , cuddling and resting her head upon it as she had done James ' hand . James , on the other hand , was harder to disturb in his sleep , though he clung sleepily , instinctively , to one of the bars on the crib . David patiently knelt by his son and removed him from the crib , before gathering the boy in his arms and rising slowly to his feet so as not to disturb him further . James slept through being removed from the crib , lifted , moved across the room , and even slept through his father shifting him in his arms so as to turn off the light . When David crossed the threshold of Baby 's room , James stirred and half awoke , giving his father a sleepily confused look . " Yes , James ? " David asked , shifting James in his arms discreetly . James seemed to be fall back to sleep , but when David shut Baby 's room door , he seemed to awaken again . " That 's wonderful , James . I 'm so happy for you ! " James didn 't reply , only nodded off - back to sleep . He didn 't wake up again until after David had already tucked him in and was leaving James ' room . " Baby 's door . . . . . . " James said , rubbing at his eyes slightly . " It needs to be open . At least a little bit . It needs to be open . " David smiled and leant on the doorframe . David couldn 't help it ; he laughed lovingly and swept to James ' side , tucking his beloved son back in and kissing his forehead tenderly . " I promise , James . Baby 's door will be opened - it 'll be the first thing I do after I leave your room . " " Leave mine open , too . " James reminded his father sleepily , almost back to sleep . " She needs to be able to get in . Baby . In case she needs me . " David smiled glowingly and nodded , giving James ' forehead another kiss . " I promise , James . Your door and Baby 's will be open . I 'll even leave mine and Mum 's open , in case either of you want to visit us . " James nodded sleepily , already halfway gone . " I love you Daddy . Tell Mummy I love her , too . " He said - no matter who tucked him in , or how tired James was , he always remembered to tell his parents that he loved them . " Woah , Whit ! You seriously rock at Quidditch ! " James exclaimed , panting . Lucy grinned , unable to speak at the moment . She was attempting to catch her breath after the long and crazy game of Quidditch that had ensued after she had ' tutored ' James . Lucy had been the only girl in all the boys - some of whom were in their seventh year - that had tagged along with James . When everyone played - one long , crazy , overcrowded game - Lucy had astounded them all . The game had gone on for quite a while , yes , but in the end Lucy had caught the Snitch - afterwards confessing that crazy mess of flying insanity was the first game of Quidditch she had ever played in her life . . . . . . . Besides the one - on - one game she 'd played with James during their tutoring session . The guys on her team were ecstatic at the win , but , while the other team wasn 't happy they 'd lost , everyone was shocked and amazed by her . She was a natural , that was true . The group burst into the Great Hall , Lucy coming in last . The guys swarmed to their tables and began eating immediately , properly drained from their who - knew - how - many - hours long game . While they ate , in between swallowing and putting more food in their mouths , the guys who 'd played related all that had happened to the girls and whatever guys hadn 't been there at top speed . " Professor Whit , Mr . Potter . " She said calmly , though there was a smile on her face and a twinkle in her eye as she winked at him before turning and making her way to the Heads table . " Hullo , Albus ! " Lucy greeted the old Headmaster brightly . " Hello , Lucy . I didn 't see you at lunch today . " He said cheerily , to which Lucy gave a happy laugh and began filling her plate , taking a swig of her pumpkin juice before responding , parched . " Sorry about that , Albus . " She said , not sounding sorry at all and definitely not trying to hide it . " I had a tutoring session with Mr . Potter at four this afternoon to help him with Quidditch and thought I might make myself familiar enough with the sport in order to at least present a challenge to him . " Lucy grinned , dropping the formal speech that her colleagues used most of the time . " He 's awful fast and a wicked Chaser . " Albus smiled and nodded . " Yes , I have noticed that Mr . Potter is very talented when it comes to Quidditch . Does he show the same aptitude in your class as well ? " Lucy laughed happily , knowing perfectly well that the other professors were listening closely for her response . " Yes , as a matter of fact . All of my students show a great aptitude for learning , when they choose to . " Lucy paused , so briefly it was barely noticed , to throw a glance in Minerva 's direction before continuing in her talk with Albus . " They all want to learn , each and every single one of them - even those not in my class . I know they do : I can see it . They want to learn , expand their thinking , deep down . They either don 't know it , or don 't care enough to try , or apply themselves . " " But they apply themselves in your class ? Divination ? I was under the impression - no offence meant to you , of course , Lucy - that most all of the older that have chosen Divination in order to keep themselves from having to try much at all . " Lucy laughed good - naturedly this , though a small fire sprung to life in her eyes . " Well , that was before I took over , Albus . " She said , voice light but with a surprising undertone of steel . " They 're going to learn with me . And not just learn , but want to learn . " " And why is that ? What makes your class so different than all the other classes here ? What makes you so different from any other Divination professor ? " Lucy was silent a moment , leaning back in her chair and looking out at the chattering students as if surveying something that only she could see . " And I do . I see them . I see them , and they know it . I don 't bother hiding it - why should I , when they are so smart they need no help figuring it out by themselves ? They know it , Albus . And even if they can 't see themselves , when they 're around me . . . . . . . They learn . " For just a moment , the gold and green flecks burned so brightly they blotted out all blue in Lucy 's eyes , combining to form a most beautiful golden green color that none of the professors - or Albus , even - had ever seen as she spoke . Then , as if realizing this , Lucy looked away from Albus and out at the students again . " They know , Albus . Albus seemed to have naught to say after this , each and every adult at the Heads table seeing a part of Lucy they didn 't know existed and finding themselves in awe of the small girl that spoke to them so profoundly , and treated all as her equals . They had seen , for that brief moment when her eyes changed color , something indefinable and great , a force that they instinctively knew could bring either awesome good , or horrid , unstoppable evil . They had seen more than simple power , they had seen . . . . . . . Lucy . For just one moment , one heartbeat , Lucy had allowed the adults that had never given her so much as a second thought , the adult that had caused her so much pain and had never apologized for it , the adult that had seen her broken and battered state before and had done nothing to find out how it happened - though he could 've helped her greatly - her true self . For that immeasurable moment in time when everything else froze , Lucy had allowed those adults - the adults that thought they knew everything about her , Hogwarts , and everyone that resided in it - to see her . Too short a time to truly learn , Lucy had given them enough time to realize that no , they didn 't know everything . She had given them enough time to see her , but that was it . They didn 't know her , they couldn 't see her , but at least now . . . . . . . . She had taught them something . Baby was crying . And crying , and crying . She wouldn 't stop crying , and Elaine was frantic . She didn 't know what was wrong with her usually sunny , happy baby . She near never cried , so whatever it was it had to be serious for Baby to be trying to tell her mother what it was . Suddenly , Baby 's crying doubled and she began shouting , her tiny voice full of despair , " Jamie ! " Each time she howled his name , Baby 's tears seemed to increase , her sobs getting worse and worse until she shook with them . " Jamie ! Jamie ! " " What is it , darling ? Jamie isn 't here ! He went out to play for a bit , lovely . Please stop crying - I don 't know what 's wrong ! " Elaine had tried everything , from checking Baby 's diaper to trying to feed her to performing a spell that would tell her if she was sick . Nothing was wrong , but Baby kept crying as if her heart was not just being broken , but destroyed in front of her . " Jamie ! " Baby screamed , sobbing , voice louder than it had ever gotten before . " Jamie ! " She was trying so hard to tell her mother something , Elaine knew , but what ? James ' name was the only word she knew - surely nothing was actually wrong with him . But that seemed to be what Baby was trying to say , as she continued sobbing her older brother 's name as if she were dying , more tears streaming down her face that Elaine thought could possibly fit in her little body . " Jamie ! JAMIE ! " That was it . Elaine didn 't know what to do , but at this point she was desperate . Whether all Baby wanted was her big brother or otherwise , Elaine was going to go with the only idea she had . So , quickly pulling on a jacket and picking the still sobbing Baby up , Elaine headed outside to find her son - maybe he could stop Baby 's tears . She was crying for him , obviously , and besides that he could always make her laugh . " Mummy ! " Came James ' voice at her call for him . " Mummy ! " His voice came from him like a sob , pain coloring his words . Baby began crying harder at this , as if she really was dying , or watching someone die . James came stumbling towards his mother frantically , eyes wild . There were tears in his eyes and streaming down his cheek as Elaine kept him from falling flat on his face , catching him as he tripped over a tree root . " Mummy ! My arm ! It . . . . . . . It hurts ! " James wailed , unable to move his arm even a small amount to show it to his mother . Elaine saw it and gasped . " I fell out of a tree , Mummy , and landed on my arm ! " James sobbed , clearly in a large amount of pain . " I got lost in the woods and it hurt ! I didn 't know where I was ! Mummy , I was so scared ! " James buried his face in his mother 's shirt , crying desperately . " I was crying and crying , and I thought I would never get home ! I - I - " James couldn 't speak anymore , tears overtaking whatever part of him that allowed him to speak . Elaine didn 't know what to do . With Baby - still crying , undoubtedly for James ' pain - in one arm and James seeming to be in too much pain to walk unsupported , what was she to do ? Her wand was still in the house , unfortunately . David was at work , so he couldn 't help , and - what was Baby doing ? Baby had somehow managed to wriggle out of Elaine 's grasp and down onto the ground beside James , where she 'd immediately put her little hands on James ' broken , bleeding , dirt covered arm . James gasped in pain , but didn 't do anything , the aftershock settling in and keeping him from being able to do much . Baby was crying now , silently , but harder than before as she felt how cold her big brother was . Putting her head down onto his broken arm , Baby continued weeping for his pain , his undeserved accident . She cried and cried , tears landing on James ' arm as she half - hugged it , feeling his pain as vividly as if it were her own - maybe more so , because she loved him so much . " Jamie . " Baby cried brokenly , barely able to get the word out of her mouth . " Jamie . " Baby seemed to moan , as if the word hurt her to say . " Jamie . " " I - it 's okay , B - Baby . " James shook as he forced the words out of his mouth , rubbing her back gently . " It 's okay . I 'll be okay . D - don 't w - w - worry . " Then , James gasped , and Baby released his arm and looked up at him . There was blood on her tear - streaked face , open pain in her eyes , but also something else . A type of knowledge , an intensity that didn 't belong on a one - year - old 's face . For a moment , her eyes seemed to change color completely , turned golden green , then she closed them and laid her head back down on James ' arm , her seemingly endless tears stopped . She gave his arm a kiss and a pat , before reaching for James to come closer and kissing his cheek as best as she could . " Jamie . " She said steadily , eyes that strange color one more instant . Then , she blinked , and time seemed to start again as they returned to their original blue color , and Elaine sprang into action . With the balance and skill that only a parent can ever truly master , Elaine picked both of her children up at once , rising to her feet fluidly to avoid jostling James ' broken arm . Once this was accomplished , she sped off towards the house . Thinking James ' silence was because of intense shock , Elaine - again , as only a parent or someone under extreme duress can ever truly master - somehow managed to deposit James in the living room , drop Baby off with David at work through Floo , come back for James , and take him to St . Mungo 's . He was quiet , worryingly calm , and Elaine had a Healer looking at him as fast as she could , which wasn 't long after she got to the hospital . " Not a problem , don 't apologize . I 'd be glad to cover your class later . Don 't worry about it ! " Lucy added with a laugh , as an intensely relieved - and slightly guilty - look crossed her colleague 's face . " Oh , thank you , Lucy , thank you . I owe you one , definitely . It 's the Slytherin / Ravenclaw seventh year class today , then the Gryffindor / Hufflepuff sevenths . Here 's what they 've learned so far - just do whatever you want today ; I don 't care what . I 'm sure you 'll do great with them . Just - " and here was a hesitant pause , then a shake of the head . " - just don 't let them destroy the classroom , okay ? Don 't teach them anything that they might actually try right away . . . . . . . And maybe you 'll want to stand in the corridor between the two classes ? Thanks again . " He said , a desperately grateful tinge to his voice , before this year 's Defense Against the Dark Arts professor bolted from the staff room top speed , as if afraid Lucy would change her mind . " Y ' know , Baby , I 'm gonna be two whole years old soon . " James informed Baby cheerily as he played with her . They had already colored and were now working on stacking squishy toy blocks as high as possible without them falling . " I 'm gonna be this big . " He said , holding up three fingers . " . . . . . . Wait . . . . . . " James stared at his hand , brow furrowed . David had shown him how old he 'd be , but it hadn 't looked like that . . . . . . . " Oh ! " James exclaimed , as Lucy precariously leant over and pushed one of his fingers down , the already stacked blocks tumbling to the ground in the process . James wasn 't upset - instead , he laughed . " Thanks , Baby ! " He exclaimed with a wide grin , nodding . Now his age looked right on his hand . Two . " I 'm gonna be two . Daddy said that was . . . . . . . um . . . . . . . twelve ? Ah , well . " James said with a shrug , and Baby 's smile illuminated her face as she slowly made James hold up both of his hands . Then , still somewhat unsteady , Baby leant over and put one of the fingers on each of her hands beside his . James understood , and laughed delightedly . " You 're smart , Baby ! Is that twelve ? " Baby nodded and sat up proudly - she 'd just mastered the art of sitting up unaided not to long ago . Baby was smart , yes , but so was James . He studied his hands carefully , then began counting slowly , ticking off each number with his fingers , a concentrated look on his face . He 'd only had the numbers told to him once , but he could remember them if he tried . " One . Two . Three . Four . Five . Six . Seven . Eight . Nine . Ten . " He said slowly , holding all his fingers up . Still concentrating , James kicked his shoes off . Then , focusing on taking his socks off without bending his fingers , James continued counting off on his toes , past the numbers he 'd learned , numbers he 'd only heard or seen once before , not being taught to him . " Ten and one is el - ev - en . Ten and two is twelve . " He said with a grin , eyes sparkling as he looked at Baby momentarily before continuing . " Ten and three make a one and a three squished together . . . . . . . . " And so it continued . Ten and four made four - teen ; ten and five made fiveteen ; ten and six made six - ten ; ten and seven made the one and seven all squished together to make a new number , ten and eight made eighteen ; ten and nine made nine - ten ; ten and ten made the two and the zero all put together to make a new , bigger version of ten . James wasn 't embarrassed . He simply rolled back to his original position - without putting his socks and shoes on - and gave Baby a kiss , before setting to work on the blocks with her once more . " I love you , Baby . I 'll love you forever . " He informed her , eyes bright and voice steady - more so than an almost - two - year - old 's should 've been able to get . " Happy Tuesday , Professor Whit ! " Sirius said brightly , bouncing cheerily into the Divination room . He 'd been a lot happier to be in classes since Lucy had become a professor - or at least happier to be in Divination anyway . And why not ? Everyone loved her classes , even the students who didn 't take Divination ! But the changes she brought to the class had brought some major changes in Sirius , as well . All of the sudden it was like he wanted learn . He actually paid attention and answered questions and - this nearly made Remus faint when he noticed it - Sirius took notes . Not a lot , of course , but highlights of each lesson that had all the important facts in them . He 'd made jaws drop , yes he did , but Sirius could care less . They didn 't just learn about Divination in Lucy 's class . They seemed to learn a little bit of everything , as well as things that the students could actually see themselves using in the future - not just things they were told they 'd need one day . More than just advice and suggestions and spells and stuff , but tricks and things they wouldn 't normally learn at Hogwarts - one very memorable cooking lesson was proof enough of that . The two DADA classes she had taught had immediately gone wild for her , and had demanded the switching of the two professors - a thing that the DADA professor seemed to have no problem with , in all honesty . But Lucy , though a wistful light burned bright in her eyes , only shook her head and said that she couldn 't abandon her Divination students before her due time - and besides , she had nothing planned for Defense Against the Darks Arts , only Divination . This , of course , brought protests that plans didn 't matter - look how well Lucy had done in two of the DADA classes that caused the most trouble ! - but the small girl only smiled apologetically and shook her head , ending the matter . " Happy Tuesday , Mr . Black . " Lucy said cheerily , happily noting Sirius ' great mood that day . " I 'm glad to see that you seem to be on the brighter side today . " She commented , smiling inwardly when he dropped into a seat right in the front of the room - the much - coveted spot , actually , a thing that astounded each and every other professor at Hogwarts . Sirius beamed and nodded . " Yeah ! " He exclaimed , flipping his hair out of his eyes as he pulled out stuff to take notes with - a thing that still made Remus ' jaw drop whenever he saw it , as well as anyone else who took note of it . Then - and this was a thing that Sirius had never once been inclined to say or even think , nor would he ever be again - he said , eyes bright as two stars : " I was just so excited for class today ! What 're we learning ? " Deepening her voice and sucking in a deep breath , Lucy spoke in an over - the - top misty version of the long - since - forgotten Professor Knot , startling not only Sirius but the entire class . " We will be learning to defog the future and - " Lucy broke off at her students ' shocked , incredulous , horrified stares . Her completely serious facade was destroyed as she burst into laughter at the true horror that had made her students appear as though they were all about to run and jump out of the windows . At once . " . . . . . . . Okay , Professor . " Sirius gasped , once they 'd all calmed down some . " What 're we really learning today ? " Lucy grinned and leaned back against her desk - which she seldom if ever sat behind , mostly never . " Did you know . . . . . . . . " Lucy began , at which her each and every one of her second year Gryffindors began grinning widely , recognizing the start of a promising lesson . Sirius had his quill poised over his paper , eyes bright and attentive - a feat that would never , ever , ever be performed by any other type of instructor again , ever . Not even a Quidditch instructor would ever command Sirius ' total attention like Lucy did then - indeed , an instructor of any kind would be lucky to get a shred of the boy 's attention . Lucy had all of it - and not because she was his friend , either , no : Sirius had all but forgotten that Lucy had never been his Divination professor before then , had all but forgotten that Lucy wasn 't there to stay , had all but forgotten that she wasn 't really supposed to be in a teaching position at Hogwarts . In fact , to tell the honest and quite astounding truth , Sirius - Sirius , who had been so eager to have Lucy as a professor simply in the hopes of easy classes and grades - had been one of the very first to forget that Lucy didn 't truly belong where she was , doing what she was ; instructing them all . Instead , Sirius was eager . Eager to go to her classes , eager to take notes , eager to learn . Sirius Black , Sirius Black of all the students that had ever crossed into Hogwarts , was eager to learn . And he was . Not one person at Hogwarts could deny it , be it a student or professor or otherwise . They could all clearly see the astonishing change that Lucy 's teaching had brought in Sirius - he was even doing better in his other classes as well , though he obviously still caused trouble and made distractions and didn 't take notes . But he actually paid attention at times , and got most of the work done before deciding to wreak havoc on the classroom . " Did you know , " Lucy repeated again , a small , crooked grin beginning on her face that - while making her look quite mischievous indeed - usually signified , as did many other things , the beginning of a very , very fun lesson . " that a lot of the ingredients we use in Divination to attempt to predict the future - " Another thing the students of Hogwarts liked about Lucy : She never tried to force them to believe that their tea dregs could tell them whether they 'd be Minister of Magic , or would die or something . She simply taught the lesson and asked them simply to learn , and absorb the things she tried to show them with open minds : These and other simple things they did gladly . " - are combustible if put together in the wrong order ? " Baby was still sleeping . James had woken up , but she was still sleeping . He could hear quiet voices talking and listened harder , though the thought of leaving Baby 's side to go to the stairs so he could hear better never once crossed his mind . " Why do you call her ' Baby ' ? Surely she doesn 't need a nickname , and even so , why ' Baby ' ? Wouldn 't that be like calling James , oh , I don 't know , ' Boy ' ? " Asked a quiet voice , too quiet for James to recognize properly . " No . " Came the firm answer , and James smiled . His dad . " It is nothing like calling James ' Boy ' , and not because we do not call him as such . James is James , and it is that simple . He is the one that chose to call her Baby , and I believe James has that right . He loves her so much more than I can explain , and I would appreciate it if you wouldn 't - " " David . " Came Elaine 's voice , calm and reassuring , stopping whatever was about to happen before it began . She had a gift for that , Elaine did . She could stop near any argument before it began , regardless of who was involved - it was amazing , really . She was a natural peacemaker . " I didn 't mean to insult in my asking , David . " The voice James didn 't recognize said stiffly , and James imagined his dad nodding as he absently moved a lock of hair out of Baby 's face . It had been true , though , what David had said to the other , third voice . James had been calling Baby by that nickname since before she was born , when he was the only one that believed his mother was carrying his little sister while everyone else believed another Potter boy was on the way . James didn 't feel particularly bothered by what the voice said ; he couldn 't care less , actually . James considered Baby his , and if the other person didn 't like that , then oh well . Now , if the other person had been speaking about Quidditch , or James ' parents , or something else , well , James - young as he was - might 've not taken it well . But the person was talking about Baby , and , as far as James could tell , had not said anything bad about his baby sister yet . " I love you , Baby . " James said quietly , smiling slightly as Baby stirred in her sleep at his words . She still only spoke one word as far as anyone knew - his name , James would proudly tell anyone who so much as thought about asking - yet that didn 't matter any to James in the matter of communication . He knew Baby loved him - she told him frequently , in the quiet way of hers - and he told her that he loved her whenever he saw fit . Which was often . James ran a hand through his hair to push his overlong fringe out of his eyes absently as he yawned slightly . He 'd been doing that often , as of late : Running a hand through his hair to push his overlarge fringe from his eyes . His fringe was the slightest too long , but whenever his mother tried to cut it , James refused to allow her to , so it continued growing , and James continued pushing it from his eyes . " Jamie . " Baby said quietly as she woke up , through a little yawn that distorted the word slightly . Not that it mattered to James , of course - he only smiled brightly ; beamed was more like it . " Hey , wonderful . " James greeted her affectionately , as he heard his father greet his mother at times . " Are you still tired ? You can go back to sleep , Baby , I don 't mind . " James offered gently . Baby smiled , but said nothing . Lucy 's official professor duties ended after her rounds were completed , though she personally was almost always busy . Planning classes , testing theories , planning Madness , etc . , etc . , etc . Etc . She somehow managed a few hours of sleep a night , though - one , at the very least . Or less . And it was always right before that time when she finally fell asleep that Lucy crossed out the day that had passed . Though she knew she full well her being a professor at Hogwarts was meant to be a punishment and that it was only temporary , Lucy couldn 't help but wish that it . . . . . . . well , it wasn 't . She couldn 't help but find herself wishing almost desperately that she could remain teaching here at Hogwarts , forever . But not Divination - not if she had a choice . No , if she could pick , Lucy would want to be the Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor . She could do so much with that subject ! Definitely more than she could do with Divination , and that was seriously saying something ! Even as Lucy planned her Divination classes , she would find herself sketching out class plans for DADA classes instead , and - despite the fact that she never honestly praised herself as others did - found that they were pretty good . Despite her longing to be the DADA professor here - curse , shmurse , she thought - Lucy knew , deep down , that it couldn 't happen , and would probably never happen . She couldn 't remain a professor here at Hogwarts - Knot would come back . . . . . . . . Just that thought was enough to bring pained tears to Lucy 's eyes . Knot would come back , and expect Lucy to be miserable , and to behave . And Lucy knew , she knew perfectly well , that she would never misbehave for the spiteful Divination professor again . Not because she was afraid , or felt any remorse , but simply because she not only knew she would never get such a treat as a punishment again , and because - even if she did - she wouldn 't be able to handle it . " Okay , so they can go through the pudding then climb up over the wall of Jello and dive into or swing across the whipped cream and marshmallow pit in order to get their animal flags so they can try to . . . . . . . " Lucy said abruptly , forcing her mind away from her previous train of thought by planning her next ' club ' meeting of Madness . She continued in these plans , feeling immensely better as she did so , forgetting her troubles for the moment as she thought of the smiles and happiness she would bring her students - as well as the different things she spells could teach them . Lucy loved Hogwarts , which was the first home she 'd ever known . . . . . . . . . Maybe there had been one before her aunt 's house , and maybe Lucy would 've been able to call it ' home ' and not simply a house , but . . . . . . . That was gone . Lucy could remember nothing of that time . Nothing at all whatsoever . . . . . . . It was as if - but no , Lucy wouldn 't think that . There had been a better time , a time before her aunt . She had been loved , once , long ago , by a family that had been hers . But that was then , and gone , and now the only home that resided in Lucy 's mind and memory was Hogwarts . The old stone castle , with all its drafts , and ghosts , and Filch wandering around just looking for someone to punish , for any reason . . . . . . . It was the single best place on all Earth to Lucy , Hogwarts was . Every little thing that the other residents at Hogwarts complained about , Lucy simply loved . The castle was her home , plain and simple , and those who lived within it were her family , from the students to the professors to the paintings . Every stone that made up Hogwarts was precious to Lucy , who had never in her memory experienced a place that brought her open happiness - happiness that had no hidden reasons for being there , no threat of being taken away - and to the small girl , this made Hogwarts the most perfect place that had ever existed . Yes , bad things could happen and did sometimes happen . No , Hogwarts was not perfect . But . . . . . . . Hogwarts was home , and the only home that Lucy had ever truly known - anything that she might 've had before had been taken away too soon for her to ever remember it , no matter how good her memory was . Lucy was happy at Hogwarts , so happy , and she hadn 't thought she could get happier in the castle until Knot 's ' punishment ' came ; then , Lucy thought she might die from sheer ecstasy . Now , she was getting paid to be at Hogwarts . True , she would be there either way , being a student there , but it was different once Lucy realized how much she loved being a professor . . . . . . . . And she was good . It wasn 't just her students liking her that made her classes good ; Lucy 's classes were not easy - and making Divination challenging is a lot harder than it might seem , honest it is . They were challenging , and stimulating , and required her students to be at the top of their game at all times . Something was always happening in her classes , always . Lucy 's classes and class plans , if looked at by another professor , would be seen as surprisingly hard , actually , but none of her students realized this - they were too busy learning . Honestly , all of her classes were moving so fast that they 'd already outstripped a good month or so of lessons that Knot had wanted to teach them . It wasn 't that the students simply knew the information , either . If one of Lucy 's students were so inclined , he or she could probably teach some of the things they 'd learned to someone else as a professor of the subject might . Baby was crying again , silently , as she spied a tiny baby bird lying as if dead on the grass not too far from her , just in the woods . She reacted without thinking - though that might have been simply because she was but a tiny child , having barely learned to crawl without falling foreword every few moments . Nevertheless and for whatever reason , Baby crawled her way into the woods , alone , and made her way towards the baby bird . " Baby ! " Her mother admonished - how had Baby gotten so far away from her so fast ? Hadn 't her precious , irreplaceable little girl just been at her side but a moment ago ? As Elaine made to move back to the house , Baby began struggling and squirming frantically , trying still to reach to the little bird . Elaine paused , confused , and studied Baby closely . Baby all but leapt out of her mother 's arms once she felt her mother 's grip on her slacken slightly , Elaine catching her breathlessly as the baby tumbled to the ground in her haste to reach the ailing bird . Elaine , knowing already that when Baby got into those certain moods it was better to try to appease her immediately - for her own safety more than anything - than to fight against the tiny girl . So , taking the very obvious clue that Baby wanted Down , Elaine placed her child on the grass . Baby immediately crawled to the bird , ignoring her mother and everything around her in a very un - Baby - like way . The little bird opened its eyes , fluttered to its feet , and flew off . Perfectly healthy . All its previous wounds healed . Some feathers still matted in blood . Elaine looked upon her baby girl with new eyes , unable to define the emotion she was feeling as she tried to find an explanation for what had just happened that made sense . Looking at Baby only made her more confused , though , for the little girl was lying on her back , laughing happily and watching the trees sway in the breeze above her . The only reminder , the only proof of the extraordinary thing that had occurred , were the tear stains on Baby 's cheeks , and the feathers stuck to her hands by a few drops of the bird 's blood . Other than that , it was as if nothing had happened in the least : Baby was acting perfectly normal , laughing and smiling and enjoying the outdoors as she always did - so much more , it seemed , than any baby should be able to . Previous Chapter Next Chapter Favorite | Reading List | Currently ReadingBack ChaptersStory Index1 . Meeting Lucy2 . The Sorting3 . Ten Names , Tea Dregs , and Dancing Toast Men4 . A Chat with the Cat5 . The Day After6 . An Eventful Train Ride Home7 . The Potter Parents Meet Lucy8 . Summers - - Part One9 . Summers - - Part 210 . Welcome " Home " Lucy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . And Hello Lily ! 11 . Secrets Discovered12 . Wild Magic and the Disappearance of Lily 's Bed13 . Knot 's Explosion14 . Introducing . . . . . . Professor Whit ! 15 . Memories of a Past Forgotten16 . Chocolate Pudding Monster17 . Nimbus 2000s and a New Name18 . Hogsmeade19 . Crescendo Next Write a ReviewLucy Potter : Memories of a Past Forgotten All stories remain the property of their authors and must not be copied in any form without their consent . This is an unofficial , not for profit site , and is in no way connected with J . K . Rowling , Scholastic Books or Bloomsbury Publishing or Warner Bros . It is not endorsed by any of the aforementioned parties . Rights to characters and their images is neither claimed nor implied . The use of photographs and / or the likeness of any person contained herein does not imply endorsement of any kind . Any depictions were obtained through publically available sources and therefore fall under fair use . 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The bridge in this movie is a Catholic adoption agency run by a nun . All the women in the story cross this bridge at some time . The Catholic influence is also employed as quasi mystical , and wise sage background commentary imposed on a more realistic secular view of life that is the manifest thread . The Nun is blessed with a radiant smile , and a face that expresses empathy and love . She doesn 't need words . Karen ( Annette Bening ) is waking from an uncomfortable night . She is a woman of about 50 . She has had bad dreams … tosses a bit , gets out of bed and walks from her small anteroom into the larger part of the suite where an old lady lies sleeping . Karen carefully moves the sheet , and gets into bed next to her mother , and falls asleep . Later they are at breakfast … the scowling serious faces do not show a happy family . Karen looks at her food and says to no one . " Her birthday is coming up . She is going to be 37 " . Her mother shows no affect to this comment . He is impressed with her resume , and notes that she has moved in and out of the city several times . She says she goes where it is best for her , and LA is as good a place as any to be . He wants to know some personal history . She was born in Los Angeles , and was given up for adoption on the day of her birth . Her mother was 14 at the time and that is all she knows of her mother . Her adoptive father died when she was 10 and she is not close with her adoptive mother . Elizabeth Joyce is a name she picked out for herself when she was in junior high school . She has lived alone since she was 17 , and prefers it that way . She has never been married and doesn 't intend to marry . She values her independence too much . She can work alone or in a team , but prefers alone , and she can work equally well with men or women but prefers men because women find her threatening . She is hired . Now we are in the office of the adoption agency and Lucy , ( Kerry Washington ) a young charming energetic African American woman is telling Sister Joanne ( Cherry Jones ) that she has accepted that she and her husband , Joseph , are not going to have a child , and she is ready to adopt . She wants very much to please , and so she continues on in a warm and friendly manner , saying how affectionate Joseph is and he would make a good father , although he says nothing the entire interview . When they leave , she berates herself for talking so much , and everything she said , and gets angry at him for not uttering a word , but she soon settles down into what appears her optimistic and cheerful self . Joseph tells her Sister Joanne liked her , and she says , Please God let us find a baby . Karen is a physical therapist . She is at work , holding a frail elderly woman in her arms in a pool . A tour of the facility is happening , and Karen is very aware of Paco , a new physical therapist , looking at her . She says to the woman in her arms … do you think that man is flirting with you . the woman regards her with some surprise , but considers it , and says yes , I think so . Karen walks into her home at the end of the day . Her mother , as elderly as the one she held today , but in not as good a physical condition , is sound asleep in a chair . Sofia is a domestic worker who takes care of Nora , the mother , and does the housework . she is ironing , and her little daughter sits nearby . She greets Karen in a friendly manner , but Karen is distant and hostile . She tells Karen about her mothers day , offers to put her into bed , but Karen says no . Sofia and her daughter , Mija , prepare to leave , but first Sofia goes in to tenderly caress the mother , Nora , and say goodbye . There is love there that doesn 't exist in Karen 's relationship to her mother . After they leave , Karen tells her mother that she wants to get a new person to care for her , because she resents that Sofia brings her child , Mija with her , and didn 't even ask if that was all right . We hear the first thing Nora says , and it is strong . " You can 't fire this woman . " There is a bond between them . Elizabeth is reading a case in her apartment , and the doorbell rings incessantly . She doesn 't expect anyone , and is annoyed at the interruption . she opens the door , and a young couple , Tracy , pregnant and her husband Steven , have come to be friendly and to welcome Elizabeth to this building . Tracy gushes on the safety of the building , and invites Elizabeth to come and borrow a cup of sugar which is never going to happen . Elizabeth gets rid of them , but not before she gets a long look at the young handsome very quiet husband . After this we see Lucy at work decorating beautiful cakes in a very upscale bakery where she works for her mother . She has told her mother the plan to adopt a baby . The mother , Ada , as cheerful and optimistic as her daughter , laughs and says Joseph 's mother , Carol is not going to tolerate her prince of a son raising a child that is not his own . She is aware that all of her good natured chatter about motherhood is hurting Lucy who is beset with anxiety , and she apologizes profusely , saying , " I 'm an idiot . " she is not . . she is wonderfully supportive as the movie develops . Karen is brushing her mothers hair . Nora asks her how is work ? " Good , " Karen says & tells her with a little softness , and smile . " There is a new therapist at work … my age , graying , a little heavyset . very friendly . everybody likes him . " We saw him in an earlier scene , trying to impress Karen to whom he is attracted . She was not receptive , and her softness in telling it is a surprise . They sit in the coffee shop and order coffee . He calls back the waitress and decides to have apple pie also . Says to Karen with a laugh , he can 't resist apple pie . She sternly says " you should watch your weight . " He agrees with her to keep it pleasant . The coffee comes , and untasted she sends it back saying its cold . He asks her how long she has been at this facility . She says , " 6 years , 6 months " and the days and gives him the date of her first day . She tells him where she was before which he says is a nice place . She differs on that . Her supervisor was very sloppy and she did all the work for that supervisor so she wouldn 't look sloppy , and got tired of that , so she told the supervisor how she felt , and she got fired . He says he has been in LA for 6 months , coming from the bay area . He is divorced , and he is also a grandfather . His daughter has twins . He measures his words and says that he never seems to say the right thing to her , and he is trying . She snaps at him . " I 'm not a disagreeable person . You are suggesting I am a disagreeable person , " and she walks out in a huff . Paul has given Elizabeth a superior office , and she suspiciously wants to know what she has done to deserve that . He tells her his expectations are high which confirms her thoughts , and invites her to a company welcome dinner at an expensive restaurant . When she gets there she discovers the company dinner is just the two of them . She surveys the situation . He invites her to have a drink before dinner . She chooses sparkling water which is a message to him . This is a girl who drinks . " That we were so close . I miss that . We laughed that we were closer to each other , than to our children " . He is very honest . It 's a good answer . We abruptly jump to dinner … but not dinner with these 2 . The free association which tells the narrative of the movie … always follows the thread of the previous … generally very short scene . This is the structure of the movie . Never does it stop moving very quickly from a scene of one of these 3 women , Karen , Elizabeth , Lucy to the other … but there is always the transitional thread that you can find . Very therapy oriented . The father says that the birth parent has access to the child and can walk in at any time . Lucy denies this . The adopted child belongs to them , but the birth parent is invited to participate if she wants , and the child has the right to know its birth parent if it wants . . but the control is with the adopting parents . Josephs parents become submissive to a situation they do not like . Tracy gushes on and looks at Paul questioningly . Elizabeth , not missing a beat , " Oh this is Paul . He is my father . " Elizabeth has been very cool in this neighborly exchange . As they leave the young couple we can hear Tracy in a stage whisper . " adopted ! " . She pushes him down on the edge of the bed , feet on the floor , bent at the knees and lying back . She inches over him and removes her panties . He starts to get up . She says Uh , uh , and pushes him back . He lays there very passive , in his tailored 3 piece suit with tie , and she starts to unzip him . When Paul leaves , Steven comes to her apartment , and they have passionate sex with not a word spoken . This is the start of an affair with him , that continues concurrently with the one with Paul . We have more scenes of her in bed with Paul , and their conversations about work . . and scenes in bed with Steven , who keeps coming to her but looks sullen and unhappy . One day he knocks on the door . Elizabeth answers and asks , Where is your wife ? Steven says she won 't be back until 10 . He has left his door open and Elizabeth slips in his apartment . He objects , and Elizabeth says , " that 's todays menu . Take it or leave it . " He goes to get her a drink . She walks in the bedroom and rifles through the drawers . Finding a drawer with Tracy 's things , Elizabeth removes her panties and puts them in the drawer . When Steven comes back with a drink , she is laying on the top of the bed , nothing on but her unbuttoned shirt , and says to him . . " lets go at it , cowboy " . Karen 's mother , Nora , has a seizure . . She says she doesn 't want to die here . Karen says you 're not going to die . Nora snaps . " I am going to die . . what do you think , that I am going to live forever ? and if I could , would I want to ? I wouldn 't . Life has been one disappointment after another . " Nora dies . Karen , removes Nora 's things while talking to her lost daughter , which she does through a lot of the film . She also writes her dreams about her daughter and relates them to the daughter , She tells her daughter that there was nothing but silence between her and mother , but it won 't be that way between Karen and her daughter ; there will be a lot to say . She says that she knows in her heart there will come a time when she will find her . Karen has a full active life in imaginative dialogue with the daughter she bore and lost . Karen stops in a bank to see a man that was her boyfriend a long time ago . she tells him her mother died . . they go to a motel together and go to bed and make love . She dresses , says to him that he didn 't ask her once how she has done all these years … he is apologetic , but she says no … it had to come from him and it didn 't and she leaves . Back at work , Paco kindly tells her that he is sorry that she lost her mother , and losing a parent is hard . At her locker there is a plastic bag tied to the locker handle with tomatoes in it . She angrily grabs the bag and storms out to the parking lot where he is leaving . She says , " is this yours ? " " Yes , they are tomatoes from my garden that I thought you would enjoy . " She is in a rage … " how dare you leave them on my locker for everyone to see , so people will think I am your girlfriend . You idiot , " she screams and shoves the tomatoes at him . . He grabs the bag . and walks across the parking lot to her , and says to her angrily , " The right word , is thank you . who do you think you are ! Fucking rude , that s who you are are . Weirdo … weirdo " He shoves the tomatoes at her and goes back to his car and leaves . She is upset with her anger . She slips a note of apology into Pacos locker . When she goes out to the parking lot , he is holding the letter and says to her that it is he who should apologize . She explains to him that she is not a weirdo , but she is a difficult person . she doesn 't make friends easily . She doesn 't like to be disappointed and he came on to her as a surprise . She could go out on saturday night , she says . On saturday , she is working in the garden , and thru the window sees Sophia 's child standing on a chair trying to reach into a high kitchen cupboard . she comes into the kitchen and demands the scared child get down . She takes down the bag of cookies the child was reaching for , and offers it to the child , saying , " here you little thief , take one . " The kid is really scared , but Karen insists . Meija takes one … Karen says eat it , and the child looks away trying not to cry as she takes a small bite . Karen notices a locket around her neck , takes it off , grabs the child by the hand and goes into the front room where Sofia is vacuuming and demands to know where Meija got the locket . Sofia says your mother gave it to her . Karen says , " she did not . . it had belonged to her mother " ( Karens grandmother ) Sofia says , " maybe so but she gave it to Meija for her birthday " . She says to Karen your mother was a loving and generous woman . that baby is on my mind all of the time . I think of nothing else . I write letters to her that I never send . I buy her birthday gifts . I look for her wherever I go . It is my whole life . Everything I do is to look for that girl and think on her . thats who I am . thats all I am . I have nothing to give . I have nothing else . " There is a family picnic . Karen and Paco are eating with Melissa , Pacos daughter who is a practicing Catholic and outspoken about about Jesus and religion . she tells Karen that Paco , her father , the most kind hearted man in the world does not believe in God , but she knows Karen is a good woman , and must carry the love of Mary in her heart . She continues that she knows about Karens loss , and she thinks that Karen must try to find her daughter , because the time will run out , and she will be left with regret and regret is a killer . That night Karen asks Paco what he thinks and he says that he agrees with his daughter . " Do you know where to start ? " , He asks Karen . She nods yes . They meet with Sister Joanna . Yes , she has the adoption records . the girl was born on Nov 7 , 1973 , and was adopted on Nov 10th . She is not permitted to give any information but Karen can write a letter and leave it in a file . If the daughter comes looking , she will be given the letter . Karen asks if the girl would have been given the same information . ? Yes . But the girl has not come by and may not be interested . Ultimately she leaves a letter because Sister Joanna encourages her . She says it really works . They meet Ray , a small intelligent , 20 year old unfriendly black girl . Ray says , " were you told that I have all ready turned down several couples ? " . Joseph and Lucy nod . Joseph asks , " what kind of people are you looking for ? " Ray cuts him short , by saying " I want to hear from her before I hear from you " , gesturing to Lucy . She says to Lucy " , well say something . surely you have something to say . most people come with a prepared speech . " Lucy is speechless . Ray gets up … " well , if you have nothing to say . " Lucy says , " wait … sit . " . Ray does not . Lucy says . " well I didn 't think that I would feel like I was dragged into the principals office to be scolded . " Ray laughs and says . " good answer . Ray says , " here is what I want . I want to come to your house and see how you live . I want to meet your parents and your friends . I don 't have to interrogate them , and it doesn 't have to be in one go . I want to spend some nights at your house . I want to name the baby . After that its goodbye . " Ray visits her mother … a very attractive successful woman who owns an upscale dress shop . Ray 's mother is upset with her decision . She wants Ray to keep the baby , as 20 year old Ray is the same age she was when she had Ray . She raised Ray herself , and sees no reasons Ray should not do the same . She says to Ray , " this baby comes from you . It is a part of you . How can you give that away ? " Ray says , " I don 't want it . " Her mother says . " neither did I want you . I didn 't want you at all , but today every thought I have is about you , and I want the best of everything for you and that is my life . " Lucy is very happy . One day she comes in the house to see Joseph staring at tv , but not really watching . she asks him what 's wrong ? . He tells her that he doesn 't know how they got so far into this with Ray . He says he wants his own child . Lucy says he knows that she cannot do that , and he says he is sorry about that . their marriage is over . Lucy cries to her mother that she could hear his mothers voice coming though him . Her mother says it will blow over , Lucy says no . Her mother considers this is the end of the adoption . Lucy looks at her and says , " of course not . this baby is mine . I am going to have her , and raise her myself . Do you understand that ? It won 't matter to Ray . She doesn 't like Joseph anyhow . She is my baby . " One day Elizabeth goes to a gynecologist to report her period is missed … never before happened . The doctor suggests pregnancy but Elizabeth says at 17 she had her tubes tied . The doctor is surprised about a young girl doing this and how she got it done . Elizabeth says she went across the border into Mexico , and had it done . They didn 't know she was a minor . It was her decision to do . She has placed her anger of her birth on herself as well as with sexual partners . The friendly woman doctor says you look familiar . No , Elizabeth says , " we 've never met . you were on a list for my firm where I am a lawyer " . the Dr . says . " I remember , were you atUC law ? You used to live next to . . she names some women . We were never friends . I was a little intimidated by you . " Back at the office Paul stops in to see her and asks if she has ever looked for her biological parents . Elizabeth says there aren 't 2 … no father . . in her head she only thinks of her mother . She says she lives in her hometown … how hard would it be for her to find Elizabeth if she wanted to . Paul says he just thought her mother would be proud of who she is . He is delighted with the time out of the office he has spent with her . He doesn 't know if he is coming or going . She knows what she wants and he likes that . But he finds it a bit scary for him and he has to bow out . Elizabeth goes back to the gynecologist . the Dr . tells her that she is indeed pregnant , and while rare in these circumstances , it sometimes happens . The doctor says to make an appointment in the office , and they will take care of it … as Elizabeth told her she is not married , and has no intimate friend and then she will give her instruction on other birth control . Elizabeth , walks out , goes to the receptionist desk and with a swipe of her hand throws everything on the desk , off to the floor . The dr . rushes out of her office and says whats going on . ? Elizabeth yells at her , " who do you think you are that you know what I want , you cunt , " and storms out . Elizabeth knocks at the door of Paul 's home one night , and Maria his daughter answers it . They are having a party and she invites Elizabeth in . It is a very happy party , all African American . Everyone seems to know everyone else , and there is much joking , laughing , and a character of ease and comfort everywhere . A very healthy , very happy crowd enjoying their life . they are very welcoming to her . She observes it all very carefully . Paul sees her , and beckons to her . In a private room , she tells him that she is leaving in the morning . She moves to a different apartment . Every day she goes up to the roof to sit . She meets there a young blind girl named Violet . They become friends . She tells Violet she is pregnant and Violet wants to feel the baby . She does and contemplates , " a person inside another person . science fiction . " " the baby … only her mothers heartbeat . you 're nice to talk to , " Violet says . " I can 't talk to my mother . She is so frightened for me that she just freaks out . What is your mother like ? " Elizabeth thinks on this . One night she writes a letter to her mother . She writes , I don 't want to impose myself on you , I 'm not a nuisance . I am pregnant and I would like my child to know where she came from . My name is Elizabeth and I am a lawyer . I am successful , and independent . I don 't need anything from you . But if you want to meet , so would I , and if you don 't ' I understand . She takes it to the agency , and gives it to a receptionist who says thank you . Elizabeth very moved , leaves , and the phone rings . It is a friend of the receptionist … she starts to chatter and lays the letter down on a pile of stuff . One day , Maria , Pauls daughter walks by the storefront , and recognizes Elizabeth . She walks in to chat , notices the advanced pregnancy , and asks if it is Pauls . Elizabeth says no , and Maria leaves . Elizabeth has a different doctor . An older man . She goes to him because she has been spotting . He orders an ultrasound , and tells her that she has a placenta previa , and might need a c section before term . She is firm with him , that she won 't allow that . She is going to carry this baby and push it out herself . One might question that any ob would accept this order as he knows how dangerous this is , but Elizabeth is consistent in selecting passive men in her life where she issues the orders . He meekly tells her to rest , take it easy and not strain herself with undue activity . One day Paul comes to Elizabeths office . He tells her that 3 months ago , he met a woman . She is smart , she is tender . They are thinking of moving East but if this is his child he wants Elizabeth to come back to him . He will take care of her , both of them . He will never leave . she is what he wants . That night she starts to pack all of her things . As suitcases and boxes are filled with a lot of stuff she heads down each time in the elevator to the parking garage . One time Violet gets on the elevator and elizabeth says nothing , but is very tearful . Violet exits the elevator unaware that Elizabeth was there . Next we see her in the hospital . Her doctor tells her she is bleeding , and that possibly has stressed the baby . She says she wants to see that baby at birth , and she doesn 't want him to knock her out . the baby is born . It is a black girl infant . Elizabeth kisses her daughter . . her pressure is dropping and the dr . says open her up , but it is too late . Elizabeth bleeds to death . Ray is in labor at the same time . Lucy and her mother are with Ray and help her through the delivery . Lucy 's mother cuts the umbilical cord . The next morning , the nurse brings in the baby to nurse . Ray says I am not nursing the baby . Lucy gives the baby a bottle and tenderly holds her as Ray watches . Then she and her mother leave the room as Rays mother comes in . Later In the hall Sister Joanna is talking to a group of people around the door where Elizabeth was . She sees Lucy and goes over to say that she wants to talk to her . There is inaudible conversation and Lucy starts to scream . " What do you want me to do ? what do you want me to do ? that is my fucking baby . that baby is mine . that fucking baby is mine . " She runs to Rays room , and she is restrained . Cops rush out , they hold her down , and she viciously fights them but they overcome her . Lucy and her mother are at home . Lucy says if God wanted me to be a mother he would have made me one . the mother says there will be another one … Lucy says , " until someone comes to take it away . " The doorbell rings , and it is Sister Joanna . Lucy is very angry . Sister Joanna tells her there is another baby … a little girl . . there is a waiting list , but sister Joanna has arranged that Lucy can have the baby if she wants . Lucy says , " they will take it away from her " . Sister Joanna says , " no , there is no one … sometimes it happens that there is no one . and there is no one . " But Lucy hesitates . Sister Joanna says , " Lucy , you and this baby have crossed paths today . Its your chance and if you give it up it will be forever . " Lucy takes Elizabeths baby girl . It is one year later . A young nun finds an envelope with no name on it . She takes it to Sister Joanna who opens it , and says , " We have a birthdate " . Going to the computer , Nov 7 , 1973 reveals Elizabeths letter , and Sister Joanna calls Karen . That night she is crying … and says to Paco , " why did you tell me to look for her . ? She has been dead for over a year . Before I always imagined and thought of her . She was alive , but now that is taken from me . " She sets off for the visit . She doesn 't need her car . It is walking distance from her own home . Lucy and Ella are in the front yard and it is a joyous time . The child that is selected for this scene happens to be at least 2 to 3 years old . She skips and plays with Karen , and kisses her . Karen puts her mothers locket on Ella , which Meija gave back when she left . This is told in many brief scenes which move back and forth between the 3 women . A scene can be just one shot … less than a minute , and we move to the other . Each story is told with detail , care and a meticulous insight into the development and conflicts of Karen , Elizabeth and Lucy . It is very much in style of In Treatment … equal stories , all told with passion . |
David submitted his retirement application yesterday ! That is crazy ! I 've only been in my career two years and he 's already at 19 ! It 's hard for me to imagine being in a career that long , and also knowing there is a whole other career to go in this lifetime . It seems like such a huge accomplishment , and I can 't relate at all . But I 'm so proud of him . I joke about his age a lot ; lately I 've taken to calling him Grandpa ! But he has done amazing things in his career . I 'm proud of him for being focused on the mission and holding to his integrity even when it sometimes meant not being popular . I 'm proud of him for how much he cares about the younger airmen . He has been more than willing to sacrifice his own time and resources to help his troops succeed . With retirement comes some uncertainty , though . The job market is still shaky and he 's only about three to six months from starting the job hunt . I 'm not feeling worry right now . I 've seen two sets of friends go through job search struggles recently and both have come out stronger for it . So I know the world won 't end if things don 't go the way we hope . We 'll just have to learn and grow with wherever God is taking us ! Easier said than done , I know . But I better not kill the optimism yet ! I think we all feel kind of invisible at times . Jealousy is something that can make me feel invisible . Rejection can make me feel invisible . Not being the center of attention can make me feel invisible ( which I find interesting since I decided I 'm probably an introvert - - the jury is still out on that one though ) . Not having my desires taken into account by other people can make me feel the most invisible . When I feel invisible it is usually because I feel I deserve to be treated better or because I think " If only . . . " then life would be better and I wouldn 't be invisible . What I think counteracts the invisible / insecure feelings is having a measure of contentment . Attaining this would happen differently for everybody , but will generally have something to do with changing perspective or attitude . So go ahead , I dare you to answer the sentence , " For me to gain a measure of contentment without changing any of my circumstances , I need to . . . " I feel more content than I ever have in my life , despite sometimes feeling invisible . What I most recently read in Afflictions by Edith Schaeffer is that we can only ask / expect to have a measure of contentment . We are not perfect beings and therefore can 't reach a fulfillment of contentment . I believe I have a measure of it , and that makes me feel like I 'm " traveling light " . And because I 'm feeling this way , I 'd like to go on a new venture . ( Don 't worry , I 'm still keeping my job ! ) I don 't know what this means , and I 'd love some guidance . Brainstorming is not my forte . All my brain can process is that I want to find something where my talents or skills can be used for something I 'm passionate about . I don 't know exactly what I 'm passionate about , but if I had to pick some interest areas they would be elderly people , homeless people , women and children in poverty , people who are depressed , people who are disabled . I 'm generally a worker bee but I 'd also love to be part of something dynamic . I think there 's something out there , but I haven 't found it just by perusing the volunteer websites or church bulletins . I think I have put down Men and Women : Enjoying the Difference by Larry Crabb for now because I 'm not finding it to be what I 'm interested in at the moment . I did really find good information in the first half of the book . Larry Crabb described selfishness in such a way that it helped me desire to be more selfless . I think we are all generally selfish but are capable of selfless motives and actions . I want my motives and actions to be more selfless . Doesn 't that sound like more fun ? I started another book today , Afflictions by Edith Schaeffer . So far I 'm very intrigued . It deals with how to live amidst afflictions , whether large or small . My initial reaction to a tragedy or hardship is to ask , " why ? " Here are some quotes from the first chapter : Working part time is without a doubt " working " for me ! I absolutely love it . I 'm pretty sure everyone at work can tell I 'm much happier to be there . David is getting meals every day I don 't work , even if they haven 't turned out so well ! I get to do grocery shopping , laundry , run errands , clean the house , read , and play with the dogs without the pressure of time . It seems as though time has always been the enemy because of not having enough of it with either school or work . I also have more desire to hang out with friends , which is enriching . I am very blessed to be in this situation . I don 't know how long it will last but I 'm going to try to savor every day of it ! Currently , I 'm reading Men and Women : Enjoying the Difference by Larry Crabb . So far it is excellent . I am not very good at sticking these kinds of books out to the end but I 'm going to try . Good accountability opportunity for you readers ; ) . I 'll let you know what I think when I 'm finished ! I went to a birthday party for a one year old girl today . That is a pretty big step for me . I initially planned on not going but have been mulling it over for a while . I figured I 'd see how I felt today before committing to anything . I felt fine while I was there ; I had no jealousy even despite the abundance of kids , pregnant friends , and moms . When we got home I felt a little jealous though . Right now , I feel a little bit empty . I 'm proud of myself for going , and I have another few months before the next friend 's baby turns one so hopefully I 'll be even better by the next party . I 'm not up for baby showers though yet . Baby steps , if you don 't mind the pun . There 's this tension going on in my head and my heart between feeling the ache of not being able to bear my own children and knowing that where we are right now is where we 're supposed to be . I 'm satisfied and yet discouraged all at the same time . Our profile has been shown now 5 times I think in the last seven months , and obviously we haven 't been chosen yet . Again there is tension in me between wondering what is wrong with our profile that we haven 't been picked and knowing that God is choosing each of the parents specifically for the child , and that He has already chosen ours ( or has He ? I despise the predestination / free will argument ) . Anyways , I 'm again satisfied and discouraged all at the same time . David decided to turn down the assignment to the Pentagon . It was a pretty easy decision for both of us . Staying here feels right . David is ready to retire sooner rather than later . The Air Force has been his life for the last 19 years and he is ready to move on next year . I 'm so proud of him for working so hard . His hard work has put him in the spotlight many times and he has been nominated for positions and awards that most airmen don 't get to see . I am also proud of him for serving so many years and making the decision to move on to a new career in law enforcement that he is eager to pursue . He was set for promotion in the spring which he now won 't be able to take , but I 'm proud of him for choosing to pursue his interests over money and prestige . We found out this week there is a possibility our assignment will be cancelled . Basically , the job requires the person to be able to stay there 3 years , and David plans on retiring in 2 1 / 2 years from now . He had to write a letter explaining this and sent it to personnel . We will see in another few weeks if they cancel the assignment or not . Hopefully ! ! ! I am planning as though we will end up going so that I don 't find myself running out of time getting the house ready to rent if that happens . And of course , still waiting on a baby could change things too . We have been reading 1Timothy in our small group on Tuesday nights . The last chapter has a couple verses that are so important for me to grasp right now . In 6 : 6 it says , " Godliness with contentment is great gain . " I can 't imagine someone being Godly but not content , so I think they go hand in hand . Then in 6 : 8 it says , " But if we have food and clothing , we will be content with that . " When it comes to money and things , all I need to live is to have food to eat and clothes to wear . Everything else is just bonus . It doesn 't matter where I live , I can have contentment anywhere God sends me . Also , on Sunday our discussion group in church was talking a little bit about whether we live as though we are owed certain things in life . One of the girls brought up that she had , over the last few years , come to realize that her idea of the perfect life was not God 's idea of her perfect life . She has been in the process of learning just what her life is about now that she understands that what she thought her life was supposed to be like wasn 't . She said she 's discovered new things that she never realized she was passionate about . I thought that was very thought provoking and encouraging . It made me think about how I have been envisioning my perfect life . So my perfect life consists of living in Tucson , keeping our friends and growing with them and making new friends , having children , staying at home with them for a while , David retiring in a couple of years and becoming a copPosted by I 'm feeling good right now , better than I 've felt in a couple of weeks . I think it 's a combination of church tonight , watching Knocked Up on tv right now , and the Ambien I took about an hour ago ! Anyhow , I 'm having a moment of clarity . Everything is going to work out just as it should . So if you haven 't heard , David got an assignment to the Pentagon last week . His report date is Feb 15th . We talked with our adoption case worker last week and let her know our situation . If we end up getting placed with a baby before then , it is likely we won 't end up going to DC . The assignment can be deferred for 6 months from the date the baby is placed in our home . Since David will have just under 2 years to go after that 6 months , we should be able to get the assignment cancelled . However , if we do not get placed with a baby before February , we are moving to DC . We 'll be renting out our house and putting a bunch of stuff in storage for our return in 2 years . I don 't know what the adoption plan will be after the move , that is something we are exploring but trying not to worry about making a decision until the time comes . If we stay , I 'll be totally thrilled because that would mean we 'd have our baby . . . what we 've been waiting for for over 2 years now . If we go , I 'm looking forward to the unknown . . . I know that sounds crazy coming from me but at this moment now ( I can 't speak for tomorrow ! ) I 'm looking forward to new experiences in a new place . The adoption news , that is . Last week we asked our case worker what number in line we were in the waiting families book , and how many times we 've been shown . Currently , we 're number 5 . As I 've explained in previous posts , being number 5 doesn 't mean the 5th baby that comes along will be ours . It just means that there are four couples who have been waiting longer than we have . I was a little bit surprised that we weren 't further along , but then again the number " 5 " is kind of arbitrary since adoptions don 't go in order . When a baby comes along , it doesn 't matter how long the couple has been waiting if preferences don 't match . She also let us know that we 've been considered 4 times since April . Ouch ! ! ! That was hard to hear at first , because I felt completely rejected . I 'm over that feeling now . And you could still tell me a million times that when the baby God has for us comes along , it will all make sense . Well that 's all fine and good and I know it 's true but I 'm not one to keep trying to convince myself of something that is too difficult to grasp until it happens . I feel good about things right now though , so no need to worry about me today . I actually feel as though I 've been given this time to learn how to appreciate and take advantage of the time I have . I 've had a hard time with the job transition lately . It seems slightly impossible to be able to enjoy this time of waiting when 36 hours a week is spent doing something I 'm not passionate about with people that are difficult to be around . I don 't want to leave my job , but frankly I 'm not excited about having to spend the majority of this time I 've been given in a place that zaps me off all the energy I have for the time I don 't work . So my short term solution is to work only 32 hours instead of 36 . That means I 'll get one day off a week instead of just a half day . It will give me something more to look forward to . I used to take a full day off every other week and it was great . Only having a half day is not really good because I just come home from work exhausPosted by Last night I was awake until 2 am . I had a horrible time trying to fall asleep because my mind was going non - stop about how unhappy I was with my job - - I think the work itself is fine but working with other people is so difficult . Other things were on my mind also , but work was the most consuming . I kept trying to pray , but my mind kept wandering . I was discouraged because I so far haven 't been able to successfully change my attitude at work . I 've tried and tried to go in with the attitude that no matter how people treat me , I can let it go in one ear and out the other because their opinion doesn 't really matter . Because God is the God of comfort and the Lord of compassion . Because God is where my hope is . Because God is able to give me the perfect love I crave . Because , because , because . . . This has been going on for about 6 weeks . I was actually at the point yesterday of really considering quitting and taking another part time job offer I have on the table and trying to find another part time job . Finally , I just said something like , " God , the only way it seems possible for me to continue is with a divine change of attitude . I would like to be able to say I 'm strong enough to do this based on the knowledge I have of You and Your Word , but I 'm failing . I need a miracle . " I then wrote three pages of prayer because I was having such a difficult time praying without getting sidetracked thinking about work and getting angry about something someone has said or done . Writing everything down helped me stay on track . I think I finally fell asleep around 2 am . I remember seeing 1 : 30 am so that 's why I 'm assuming it was 2 . I woke up this morning super tired . You know that point when you 're really so tired that you actually feel giddy ? That 's what I felt like . I was actually , dare I say , feeling " happy " and not grumpy like normal at work . I assumed it was just because I was so tired . But the day wore on and I was amazed at how differently I felt . I surely didn 't have the expectation of answered prayer last night . My request wasPosted by Anyone know what kind of bug this is ? I was up early cleaning the pool and trimming the roses . I didn 't get very far with the roses , however , because of this little bugger . I enjoyed taking pictures of it but I wasn 't exactly thrilled about the idea of trimming the roses more after coming across him ! This past week I have realized there are two things going on in me that I don 't want to admit . First , that I am jealous . I 've never " considered " myself to be a very jealous person , but I 'm pretty sure that I am . I think it probably started when I was little and was always jealous of my older sister . I was jealous that she was smarter and that she could think more cleverly than I could . I think that 's part of where my perfectionist tendencies are rooted . I think I tried hard to make things happen my way and to be as smart as I could and know as much as I could so that I could outsmart others . Then , I wouldn 't ever have to feel jealous . So for a long time I haven 't felt much jealousy . Now , however , this not getting pregnant thing is a big wake up call about jealousy for me . I 'm jealous of others who can have a baby when they want one but that I don 't get to have a baby when I want one . I 'm jealous of others who are at home with the babies they gave birth to and that I 'm still working full time when I want to be raising a child . I 'm jealous of others who get the thrill of reading a positive pregnancy test . When I isolate David and me in my mind , I am happy with the way things are . I 'm looking forward to adopting a baby and loving him / her so much that I won 't have words for it . In the meantime I 'm satisfied working and saving money so I can stay home at least for a while . I even kind of feel special that I haven 't been able to get pregnant so instead we will get to adopt a baby . But when I start comparing David and me to our friends , the jealousy is overwhelming . It is so overwhelming I had to leave our small group this week crying because I was so upset after finding out about a friend 's new pregnancy . Next thing I don 't like to admit : I 'm angry at God . I 've never felt angry with God before . I don 't even remember feeling frustrated at him . I 've always reminded myself of the truth that God works things together for our good . That even if I can 't understand the reason for something , God has a perfect purpose in it . ButPosted by I haven 't asked David how he feels , but I 'm starting to get tired of the question , " What 's new with the adoption ? " I have a feeling it 's a bit like when you 're unemployed and looking for a job , and everyday someone asks , " What 's new with the job search ? " I know people are just curious and hoping to hear some good news , but unfortunately I don 't have any . It 's nothing I fault anyone for asking either ; I 'm just as curious with people who are out of jobs , say , to find out if anything new has come along . It 's only been 4 months but it sure feels like a lot longer . I think it feels so much longer because the not getting pregnant thing has been going on for over 2 years now . Usually every day I ache for a baby , but also at some point during my day I am content in the moment with the way things are . David and I were talking last night about how we can 't let getting a baby become our idol . If we could think about God and be thankful for His blessings as much as we covet a baby , I am sure we would find ourselves more patient . I almost titled this post , " Mini Blessing " . Is there such a thing ? In my eyes , it seems so , but what about it God 's eyes ? Anyways , I got my schedule for the month of August at the new job . We 're open late every Tuesday , and I only have to be the late person twice in five weeks . I also get to work at the new satellite office that is just down the street 4 times in the month , which I am very excited about ! I thought I might only get to go there once a month or so , but turns out it is more often . Yay ! I was inspired by Katie 's blog to go through past blogs and came across a personality profile I took about a year ago . The results were different , but I 'm not surprised . Some are different probably because of change , but some because of the nature of the questions . I don 't consider myself to have a black and white personality , so sometimes I 'll think of myself one way and sometimes the opposite . The CaregiverYou are sympathetic and caring , putting friends and family first . A creature of habit , you prefer routines and have trouble with change . You love being in groups - whether you 're helping people or working on a project . You are good at listening , laughing , and bringing out the best in people . I 'd say this is pretty accurate except for the being in groups thing . While I do enjoy groups , I find myself more comfortable in smaller settings . In love , you value harmony and mutual understanding . You will apologize or give someone the benefit of the doubt , if it means getting over a fight sooner . Yes , absolutely . I apologize even when I 'm not sure it is warranted . At work , you are good at building relationships and connecting with people . You would make a great nurse , social worker , or teacher . Whew . Last time it said something about being a designer . . . no way ! How you see yourself : Organized , dependable , co - operative . Organized , yes . Dependable would depend on the situation - - my dependability coincides with my priorities at the time . Cooperative - - only sometimes . If I don 't agree with what 's going on I am uncooperative . When other people don 't get you , they see you as : Opinionated , critical , and know - it - all . Yes , yes , and yes . Posted by Normally I have every other Wednesday off work , but because my co - worker has a visitor coming the week after next , she offered to work Monday instead of Wednesday for me . So I get a three day weekend next weekend ! I am excited . I initially thought about planning a vacation to Sedona or some other place close by . I was trying to think of where I 'd like to go and I asked myself what my ideal three day vacation would be . I realized it would not necessarily involve spending money to stay someplace new or go to a new town / city . It would involve doing activities I already know I enjoy like bowling , shopping , hiking , getting a massage , etc . So I decided I don 't need to go somewhere to have a great three - day vacation ; I can do it right here in Tucson ! I 'm going to act like I 'm not at home and not do any cooking ( not that I do it anyways ) , cleaning , bills , email , facebook , etc . I 'm going to plan my time like I would plan a vacation . So feel free to post a comment with some staycation ideas ! Don 't worry , I didn 't quit . Still going strong in the same job for over 5 months now ! But , in three weeks , I will basically be starting a new job . We found out at work today that the doctor I work for is no longer going to be in practice by himself but is joining a group of allergists . He is probably going to be heading toward retirement in a few years and this will allow him more flexibility for him and his wife . He and his wife have been trying to find a way for him to cut back , keep his employees employed , and allow his patients full access to care while he cuts back . He said he had tried in the past to join other groups but none would take care of his employees the way the group we are joining offered to . The new group we are joining is gaining our doctor plus two new doctors , so it works out that they will be able to afford the extra employees . My new office will only be a couple miles farther from home than it is now , so I 'm satisfied with that . The benefits are better at the new place which is great . I 'm looking forward to meeting new people . Apparently they have only had one employee leave in the last 15 years , which is comforting . Certainly this move will help keep me from getting bored . It will be like starting a new job . The only problem is it is obviously causing some anxiety since it is 2am and I am awake and writing this post ! Not necessarily bad anxiety , just a general anxiousness with starting a new job and having a new boss . Hopefully sleep will come soon . . . I have been waiting to post this blog until I took pictures , but it is 10pm and I 'm waiting for my sleeping pill to kick in , so I figured I 'd go ahead and post without pictures . Then hopefully I will get the gumption ( is that a word ? ? ) to post pictures tomorrow - ish . From what I 've read , deciding to set up a nursery for an adoptive couple is a very personal choice . On one hand , having a nursery with no baby in sight is like buying a lawn mower for a yard with no grass . Some women can 't bear the thought of having to see the nursery and not know when a baby might be there to fill it . For others , it gives hope . For a while , there was no way you could get me to think about setting up a nursery . But the idea of it grew on me , so finally a few weeks ago we set up a pack and play that has a bassinet attached to it . We put the few baby items we have in the room , and cleaned the room out of anything non - baby . So we have wipes , bottles , a couple cans of formula , and one baby blanket to not - so - fill the cabinets . The morning after we set up the room , I woke up and passed by the room only to notice the bassinet had an occupant - - our cat , Phoebe ! It was the cutest thing ! So if nothing else , at least she is able to use it ! I say we emptied the room of all non - baby items . That was true , until yesterday . David decided he wanted to learn how to play the drums so he bought a drum set , and decided the nursery was a good place for it . Ha ! I was talking to Cara online yesterday and she said , " Well what nursery wouldn 't be complete without a drum set ? " Double Ha ! I 'm watching the movie , Prime as I write this . It 's been a while since I 've seen this movie . It 's my favorite movie and it makes me smile . So here is # 6 on my list of favorites : In my effort to live in the moment this afternoon , I decided to go for a swim after I got home from work and the dentist . While I was swimming , the chorus of the song that came in my head was " Seize the Day " by Carolyn Arends : Seize the day , seize whatever you can ' Cause life slips away just like hourglass sand Seize the day , pray for grace from God 's hand Then nothing will stand in your way Seize the dayI was thinking that I need to remember that I have favorite things that can help me seize the day . Lately all I can think about is doom and gloom ! It consumes my mind . When it 's not consuming my mind then my mind is just on mundane things , like going to work or getting the kitchen counter cleaned . I was suddenly inspired while swimming to write a list of my favorite things I can remember I have when my mind is consumed by gloom . I easily forget that there are things that make me smile ! Sarah 's Favorite Things ( in no particular order ) : 1 . Baskin Robbins ' chocolate peanut butter ice cream2 . Indoor rock climbing3 . Taking the dogs to the dog park4 . My rose garden5 . Swimming in my pool when it 's really hot outside ( like today ) Since I went swimming this afternoon , I guess I better go clean the kitchen counter . . . Today started out very normal . I asked David to wake me up at 6 so I could go for a walk with the dogs . As usual he woke me up and I changed my mind and went back to bed ! Then I went to work and everything was so normal . Then , I find out mid - morning that an acquaintance 's husband died this weekend . He was 31 . I was totally heartbroken even though I had never met him . I didn 't really know my acquaintance all that well either . It just hit me like a ton of bricks . I was also told today I had to censor some of what I say in this blog . That frustrated me , because this blog is all about honesty and openness . I want to be completely transparent . I want to be transparent for my friends , so they can see what I 'm going through . I want to be transparent to people who are thinking about adoption , because I think shared experiences are important . And I even want to be transparent for birth moms who might read this , because there are so many facets to adoption . It 's one of those things that even though I understand where the censorship is coming from , it 's not a good feeling to know that I can 't write about everything the way that I think is best and honest . On top of all that of course I 've been feeling discouraged about not having a baby yet . I 'm not actually discouraged about the time it 's taken so far for the adoption . I think I 'm more discouraged about the time it possibly could take . I 'm discouraged for David , that he is almost 37 and has waited even longer than I have for this . My co - worker let me go home early today because she knew I was having a hard day . I came home feeling very , very discouraged . But David and I talked about how important it is for us to really " live life " right now . We don 't really know what that means , but we 're praying that we 'll find out soon ! I often thought throughout my life that when I was in my 30 's I would already have children and a purpose in life . Now that I ponder being 37 next month , I often ask myself , " Will I ever be a father ? " Up until 3 years ago , I had my own father to wish Happy Father 's Day to , and deep down I thought that by this time I would be a father , but the Lord has not seen it fit for us to be parents yet . So to put it in a nutshell , waiting on this adoption sucks ! I battle every day with the disappointment of not getting a phone call or update , or any hope that our adoption might happen soon . If nothing else , I guess I can be a father to our two dogs and cat ( but not biological , ha ) . I guess I have to take back all the bad things I said about blogging ; this blogging is fun . I think next , I 'll twitter , whenever I figure out what that is . . . It was canceled ! Woo hoo ! I feel relief . However , there is still a good possibility that we could get another assignment at any time . Usually assignments are given six months before you have to move . So I figure we have at least six months to hopefully get our baby . This will be the last bit of catching up I have to do , so from next post on everything will be current . Since we 're waiting , I 'm sure I 'll have more to post about than just the adoption . About the first two weeks after we finished our interviews , David and I were on pins and needles wondering when we might get a phone call from our agency . As I mentioned before our case worker said it would " probably happen pretty fast . " We met a couple in our class who had switched agencies so they already had all their paperwork finished . I think it only took them a month or two before they got their baby . So because of that we were thinking it would also take a month or two . Well , it 's been a little over two months of waiting , so obviously our timing wasn 't quite right ! I heard somewhere that if you want to make God laugh , tell him your plans . God must be laughing a lot because of us ! We did get a phone call on Memorial Day weekend that our profile was being shown to a birth mother who had just given birth and was in the hospital . We got the phone call from our case worker at about 7 : 30 pm and were told that she was planning on making a decision that night . If we were chose , we would be picking up the baby girl from the hospital the next day . We didn 't get a call that night , so we assumed we weren 't chosen . The next day at about 1 pm our case worker called and said we weren 't chosen . The birth mother chose a couple who already had a child - - I 'm not sure if the first child was adopted or " homemade . " Anyways , we were a little bummed of course but not as much as I imagined we 'd be when we got into this . It just wasn 't " our " baby . After that phone call our case worker told us she wouldn 't call to let us know if we were being shown anymore , she would just call us when we were chosen . I 'm not sure that I like that idea . I think I 'd rather at least know that our profile is out there . So David and I decided we 'd email her every week or two to find out if we had been shown . We 've only done that once since Memorial Day weekend , and our casePosted by The home study was the last thing our case worker needed in order to submit our paperwork to the courts . It literally took only 10 minutes . I sent a chat to Leatrice when the doorbell rang and when she left I got back on the chat and it was only 10 minutes later . We knew it wasn 't going to be super - involved because we had talked to a couple beforehand who had already adopted . They said the home study was basically just for the case worker to see that we weren 't going to keep the baby in a closet or that we didn 't live in a complete dump . Of course we had spent a long time cleaning and getting ready for her but since we knew it wasn 't going to be too involved we didn 't make it quite so that you could eat off the floors . Maybe close , though . She rang the doorbell and we sat down at the kitchen table . She asked us to describe the neighborhood and say if there were many kids around . She asked us about our house , including the year it was built , how many bedrooms , square footage , and what decorating style we had . She asked us if our dogs were good with kids and we said yes . Our dogs are actually much better with kids than they are with adults ! When there are kids at the dog park they just go up to them and sniff or lick them . With adults , our dogs like to jump up to be at their level . With kids they don 't have to , because they can stare them in the face . After she asked us the questions we gave her a tour of the house , and that was it ! She said it would take her about a week to get her report written to submit to the courts . She told us once our fingerprints came back and the courts signed off on us , we would get a letter of certification in the mail . That night I think I finished our profile that the birth mother gets to see . The following is the information that is included . It is not in the best format here because it was in a table in a word document , but here is the best way I know how to post it . . . FAMILY INFORMATION FOR BIRTH PARENTSNAMES : David and SarahYEAR MARRIED : 2004 ( There were a few items in the beginning ofPosted by We each had to do an interview alone with our case worker . Actually , it is two interviews each but we both did them back to back . Since it only took each of us an hour it would have been a waste of time to do them separately anyways . David did his first , just a couple days after our joint interview . I did mine about a week after our joint interview . Questions asked were focused on how well we get along with our spouse and strengths / weaknesses of each other . When I was doing my interview our case worker said that in all the interviews she had done , no one said more sweet , nice things about their spouse than David said about me . Of course that made me feel great ! He didn 't have to because it wouldn 't have made a difference - - the birth mother doesn 't see any of our information from our interviews . But David is always good about being very complimentary of me to other people . Before my interview David and I were able to get our letter to the birth mother written and printed and our photo collage put together . I brought it with me to our interview and our case worker said that was all she needed to put us in the " Waiting Families " book . She said we were # 7 in the book , which means there were 6 other couples in front of us . 3 - 5 couples that match birth mother / adoptive parent criteria are shown to a birth mother at one time . Here is our letter to the birth mother : Dear Birthparent , Thank you so much for taking time to read our letter and considering us to be the parents for your child . We would like to start off by telling about how we met , our family dynamics , and our future plans . In 2002 , we were introduced by a mutual friend , began dating and a year and a half later ( Jan 04 ) we married . Since being married , we have fallen in love with Tucson and have decided to make it our permanent home . Sarah 's cousin and her family live here and we get together as often as possible . Sarah 's parents plan to move here from Florida in a few years to be closer to us and their grandchildren . David 's parents are both deceased , but hePosted by David and I met with our case worker for our joint interview a few days after our classes ended . We had some minor paperwork to fill out , and then she asked us some questions . She started asking us the questions and we gave pretty short but complete answers . Then she told us that what we tell her has to go into about a 10 page report to the court , so we got the hint that she needed us to ramble a little more ! One of the questions asked us why we wanted to adopt and for how long have we been wanting to . I told her that adoption was something I remember thinking about back when I was at least in middle or high school . I don 't know why I was thinking about it that early other than I had a good friend who had been adopted . I 'm sure I also had learned the scripture that states , " Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this : to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world . " ( James 1 : 27 ) I liked the book of James when I was in high school for some reason , and I read it a bunch of times . That verse must have struck a cord in me at some point . So since then I have always had adoption in the back of my mind . When David and I married we tossed around the idea of having one homemade child and then adopting one . We thought we 'd see how the first one went and then decide from there . At that point adopting would have been our secondary means of increasing our family . Now , of course , it has become our primary means since finding out about my infertility . Maybe if David blogs he can recall his answer to this question . . . I 'm pretty sure his was a lot shorter than mine ! She also asked us about religion and what part it played in our lives . So we told her we were Christians and believed that God is most important in our lives . She asked if we go to church regularly and we told her yes and that we also have a small group of Young Married couples that we meet with for Bible study , fellowship , and social activities . We moved on to discuss our preferences for ourPosted by Well , we had an interesting development yesterday and David asked if I was going to blog about it . I told him I couldn 't yet because right now in my blog I 'm only on the fourth class . So I guess I better speed it up ! He said by the time I get caught up we 'll have a child in middle school ! He also said he wanted to write a post so if you see him or talk to him , pester him about it so he will ! ! So I 'll go on to our last class . We had a potluck that night , and I signed up to bring macaroni and cheese . It turned out that David had to work that night so I brought subs from Safeway instead . I wanted to label my subs " macaroni and cheese " but they didn 't have any labels . Ha . That 's my sense of humor for you . I guess I should stick to my strength of blogging and leave the humor to David . There were three couples with their kids there . Actually one couple had a babysitter so their kids were at home . I 'm not really even sure what the point was of this class other than for them to give their stories and for us to ask questions . The first couple had a baby who was probably 5 or 6 months old and they adopted her from birth . The couple had initially started with a different agency and were matched with a birthmom in Illinois . The baby was born , the adoptive mother flew to Illinois , only to find out the birthmom changed her mind and didn 't tell her anything until after the baby was born . It was a mess and she was very hurt by the situation . She ended up switching to the agency we 're with and only waited a couple months for her daughter . The adoptive parents are White and the baby is Black ( I 've read that Black and White are acceptable terms when unsure of origin of the individual - - correct me if I 'm wrong ) . The adoptive father said when he started this process for some reason he pictured them adopting a Black baby . They didn 't make themselves restricted to only accepting a Black baby , it just happened that 's who they adopted . Pretty cool . The second couple had adopted one child and then adopted twins . They didn 't have their kids thPosted by The fourth class was to me the most boring ( only because the lady was kind of dry ) but yet gave us very important information that we would need later . We were actually 30 minutes late to this class because we had the time mixed up . I can 't say I wish I would have been there in the beginning , except it probably looked rude for us to be showing up late . . . oops . I can 't remember what exactly the presenter does , but she was from the UofA and talked about the effects of teratogens on newborns . She discussed various categories including illegal narcotics , prescription medications , alcohol , smoking , and some others . I was surprised at the lack of proven effect on babies exposed to street drugs . Alcohol and smoking were most harmful . Alcohol of course can cause fetal alcohol syndrome in about 50 % of babies whose birthmother drank during pregnancy . We saw pictures of FAS children . Often the signs of FAS don 't show up until the children are a little older . One of the telltale signs is absence of the groove in the space between your upper lip and nose . I 'm sure I learned that in school along the way somewhere , but I don 't remember . Smoking causes low birth weight in babies and can interfere with fetal development . There is evidence that illegal drugs like heroin , marijuana , cocaine , etc cause some birth defects but the incidence is low . The problem with the birthmother being on these substances is the withdrawal that the baby has to go through after birth when the baby is no longer receiving the substance through the placenta . The reason this information was important was because during our joint interview with our case worker , David and I had to decide how much and which substances we would be ok with the birthmother having been on during pregnancy . I will go over what we chose when I get to the joint interview post . I probably enjoyed the third class the most . We had a birthmother speak who had just given birth 6 weeks ago . The adoptive parents were there to speak too , and it was an awesome experience . It was so good to see both sides of it . What I liked most about it was that before that night , the idea of the " birthmother " was intangible . I had a hard time understanding the concept . The birthmother was about my age or a little younger and had two or three kids already that she was raising . Her sister had chosen at one point to have an abortion , and she talked about how she knew abortion was not the right option for her . So somehow she heard ofour agency and decided to give up her son for adoption . When she came to the agency she was living in an apartment sleeping on the floor . Our agency helped her get beds for her and her children , get care that she needed , and counseled her through the process . She said when she was looking at the book of families wanting to adopt , she knew as soon as she read the first couple 's profile that they were the ones she wanted to raise her child . She and the adoptive mother have a close relationship and have become friends through the process . They went to prenatal appointments together , and the adoptive mom was there for the birth . It was a C - section and the birthmom asked to be " put out " as soon as the baby was born because she didn 't think she could handle seeing the baby . So as soon as the baby delivered she was given something to sedate her and she says she doesn 't remember hearing any crying . As the birthmom and adoptive mom were talking describing the birth , both were crying . It was so touching . The adoptive mom said that it was more emotional for her than anyone could imagine , because on one hand she was so excited to meet her son , but was also feeling so sad for the birthmom . Knowing what she was giving up and that it was the hardest thing she ever would have to do made her feel absolutely horrible . The birthmom has not yet met her son and both moms have discussed that when she feels Posted by I already posted about our second class , so I just copied what I wrote before and pasted it below : I 'll go on to the second class . We had an adoptive father come to speak to us about the waiting that 's involved . He and his wife waiting 2 years before they were matched . It was great to hear about his struggles and frustration of waiting , but it 's also good to hear him and the two ladies from the previous week talk about how it is so easy to look back know and see how the wait was worth it and designed how God intended . He had a few options prior to the baby they were matched with but decided that those other babies weren 't right for them . When they see those other children now they look at them and can see why their child is their child , and why the children they decided not to adopt were meant for another couple ( they all get together each year for a picnic ) . Anyways , until I heard the phrase " When it 's meant to happen , it will " coming from these other adoptive parents , I HATED that saying , or sayings like it . It wasn 't so much the saying , it was the knowing that the person who it was coming from was trying to give advice in an area they knew nothing about . One other thing he mentioned last week that made me feel so much better was while they were waiting to adopt , his wife could be around some mothers and their kids and not others . That made me feel SOOOO much better , because I couldn 't understand why it is no problem for me to hang out with some mothers and their kids and not others . It was good to know that maybe this is a normal feeling . I am still confident that God has already chosen our baby for us . The waiting is difficult , because it could happen tomorrow or it could happen next year . And it feels like it has been a year already ! So since that second class I have had more assurance and peace about the " when " , even if it doesn 't happen as fast as I want it to . What have changed since that second class are my feelings toward pregnant women and new moms . Since my last post , I no longer feel the desire to avoidPosted by I really wanted to document the adoption process in chronological order , but I can 't get what I want to write about out of my head . So I will continue with the entries about the adoption classes in the next post . As I write this I am babysitting my dear friend Leatrice 's baby . I have not struggled to be around Leatrice or her baby . I think this is because we became close friends as we shared our difficulty getting pregnant at the same time . I was so happy for her when she found out she was pregnant because I knew she had waited and struggled for so long . Babysitting for her is no big deal . However , I think I am starting to get over my issue with not wanting to be around other pregnant women . I figured it would come eventually but I thought not until after we had our baby . In past entries I have written how hard it is to be around moms and their babies or pregnant women , and how hard it can be to look at facebook every day only to find another friend announcing her pregnancy . But something started to change in me about a week ago . We went out with some friends who are in the middle of selling two houses and buying another . They have three kids . They both admitted to being stressed out . I didn 't envy them . We recently refinanced and that alone was annoying . I remember buying our house and what a hassle it was . So I can 't imagine trying to sell two houses and buy another at the same time . The thought crossed my mind that if I was them , I would be looking at me thinking how nice it would be that the only major stress in my life right now would be waiting on a baby . All the work is complete , we are simply waiting for a phone call . I think I envy myself right now - - is that possible ? ! I also recently had two pregnant friends reach out to me by email just to tell me they acknowledged what I 'm going through and that though they don 't understand , they want to be there for me however they can . They wrote this even knowing I haven 't wanted to be around them . It must suck to be friends with someone who doesn 't want to be arounPosted by So the class I talked about last time was the orientation , it was on the last Tuesday in February . We had our first educational seminar on the first Tuesday in March . The topic was infertility . When I first found out that was the topic I was dreading it . I didn 't want to hear about infertility , I wanted to hear about adoption ! It turned out to be fine , though . There were two ladies there who had adopted I think two children each . They talked about their own infertility stories , so it wasn 't like it was an informational session . It was actually a relief to hear their stories . They really only talked about infertility for a few minutes each and then gave their adoption story . It was good to hear personal stories from people who 've been through the process not just in general , but with the agency we 're using . During that week I didn 't really get started getting much of our paperwork together . David worked on a bunch of stuff he needed , but I slacked off . I felt like I still had a month before it was due , so I didn 't really do much . I would come to regret that later , even though it all came together on time . David commented on how he was hoping to get to know more of the couples in our group . We hadn 't really interacted much with anyone at that point , but fortunately in the next class we were able to meet a great young couple . I 'll write a little more about that next time ! I 'm going to re - post some of what I already wrote partly because there are a few more readers now and so I can keep it in chronological order . Toward the end of 2008 David and I really began to get serious about adoption . There was never a shining moment when we decided it was what we wanted to do . It was gradual . The more months that went by with negative pregnancy tests , the more we talked about it . We must have started talking about it by October 2008 because I remember discussing it with my parents when they came to visit at the end of October . At that point we were trying to figure out where to start . We knew of a couple from the chapel on base who adopted through a particular agency so I looked into their program . David was really interested in international adoption but I was more interested in domestic adoption . I don 't know how we came to the conclusion of going domestic , but somehow we did and decided to go with the agency our friends used . I guess I just wanted to go with an organization that was well established and that I felt I could trust . We contacted the agency by an email that was listed on their website in December . We had a very brief interest form to fill out and were put on the waiting list for classes . The first step with them was to attend 6 information sessions . We found out in January that the classes were going to start the last week of February . We were a little impatient to start the classes since our first contact was in December and the classes didn 't start until the end of February . But looking back it really wasn 't a long wait . It feels much longer to be waiting for a baby than to have been waiting for classes to start ! Our first class was an orientation . We were given a folder with several forms to fill out over the next few weeks . We also had to gather all bank statements , proof and copies of insurance benefits , tax forms , pay stubs , copies of pet licenses , copies of our marriage license , and copies of our birth certificates . We each had to write an autobiography . We were given a pPosted by I was inspired by Leatrice 's blog the other day where she wrote how she wants to be open and honest about parenting . I have read many blogs of women who are / were pregnant , have kids , or are struggling with infertility , but I have not read anyone who is writing about adoption as they are going through it . I haven 't looked , so now that I think of it I will probably search after I am finished writing and find someone else who is doing it . In the meantime , I decided I have an opportunity to give others an insight into what the whole process is really like . I started to write EVERYTHING in this blog but then realized it was too much to read at one time , so I 'm going to start with infertility . The first time we tried to get pregnant was in 2005 . After only six months of trying we decided I 'd just go back on birth control and we 'd wait a while longer - - at least until after I was out of nursing school . We were both wishy - washy after I graduated in May 2007 about when we wanted to try again , but finally in January 08 we decided it was time . By July , nothing was happening , and when I mean nothing that includes nothing happening in my body . I wasn 't ovulating , and having no montly visitor . So I went to the GYN and told her we were trying to get pregnant . Even though we 'd only been trying for 7 months she referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist . Most healthy women don 't get referred until after they 've been trying to get pregnant for a year . In my case , there was no point in waiting the extra 5 months if my body wasn 't doing anything . The reproductive endocrinologist at that time decided to give me some hormones to try to start my cycle , which worked and then he prescribed the fertility drug , clomid . Clomid is a fertility pill that helps with ovulation , which I wasn 't doing on my own . We tried clomid for about 5 cycles , with one round of intra - uterine insemination . Nothing . I also had a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy done in Feb 09which showed I had PCOS - - polycystic ovarian syndrome . That means I have a bunch of cysts on myPosted by Most people are too hard on themselves and not on others . Sometimes I think I am the opposite . I am not hard enough on myself and too hard on others . I wrote a post a couple weeks back about how I am quick to look at the sin in other people 's lives , especially my husband 's . I can pretty easily look over my own sin , though . It 's because I know I am forgiven . I know that God 's grace is abundant , hence the name of my blog . Katie made such a good point the other day on my blog about how hard it is to know when and how to confront the sin you see in others . I 've thought about that often over the last couple weeks and am realizing it must start in me with forgiveness . One of the hardest things for me is to believe that what the Bible says is true , and that what is says happened , and that it came from God . In this case , my experience tells me it is true . It is unrealistic to think that I could just pass over the sin I see in my own life and around me and pretend it 's not there . Just like Adam and Eve in the garden , they could no longer pretend sin did not exist once they ate from the tree . Because of this I have the ability to see sin in me and in others . So the only thing to do with that is to learn to be forgiving . In adoption news , we are now in the " Waiting Families " book and are waiting to be picked . It could be two weeks or it could be two years . David and I are confident that the baby that comes home with us will be the one God designed for us . I am willing to wait as long as it takes . Knowing that it is not a matter of " if " anymore but a matter of " when " is comforting . Of course the unknown can be frustrating if I think about it too much but most things in life are ! Finding faults in others is something I find myself doing way more often than I 'd like to admit . I 'm currently reading Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas . I started reading it because I 've been wanting to read a good book and it was the only one on the shelf I haven 't read completely through . And I 've been too lazy to make it to the library . I had to persevere through the beginning of the book because it didn 't say much I haven 't heard a million times . But now that I 'm about halfway through I 'm glad I kept with it . This quote - - " possessing the knowledge of someone 's sin is a powerful and dangerous thing , " struck a cord with me . So much of marriage discussion in church revolves around focusing on yourself and your relationship with God . We 're told to look at ourselves and find how we can depend on God and not our spouse for our fulfillment . We 're encouraged to serve rather than focus on being served . Blah , blah , blah . All that is well and good , but I 've heard it a million times ! The quote struck a cord because I realize that when I have a bone to pick with David , it is because I see some sort of " sin " in him that bothers me . But seeing that IS dangerous , because then I can blame my own shortcomings on him . His sin becomes a scapegoat for my own sin . My own sin exists apart from him , but because I can see his I then link my actions and feelings to his sin rather than separating my sin from his and turning to God for forgiveness , grace , and change . This doesn 't just apply to David , either . I do this with friends . I 've been sort of proud of being the person who brings up what everyone else is thinking but won 't say for fear of causing hurt feelings . I feel like I 'm being brave and standing up for myself and everyone else , but I need to start evaluating this and realize that I can 't blame my situation or frustration on anyone but myself . As I said in my last post , we started our adoption educatinal seminars this month . I have enjoyed them immensely for several reasons . I already spoke about the first class in the last post , so I 'll go on to the second class . We had an adoptive father come to speak to us about the waiting that 's involved . He and his wife waiting 2 years before they were matched . It was great to hear about his struggles and frustration of waiting , but it 's also good to hear him and the two ladies from the previous week talk about how it is so easy to look back know and see how the wait was worth it and designed how God intended . He had a few options prior to the baby they were matched with but decided that those other babies weren 't right for them . When they see those other children now they look at them and can see why their child is their child , and why the children they decided not to adopt were meant for another couple ( they all get together each year for a picnic ) . Anyways , until the phrase " When it 's meant to happen , it will " coming from these other adoptive parents , I HATED that saying , or sayings like it . It wasn 't so much the saying , it was the knowing that the person who it was coming from was trying to give advice in an area they knew nothing about . One other thing he mentioned last week that made me feel so much better was while they were waiting to adopt , his wife could be around some mothers and their kids and not others . That made me feel SOOOO much better , because I couldn 't understand why it is no problem for me to hang out with some mothers and their kids and not others . It was good to know that maybe this is a normal feeling . Last night we had a birthmother speak who had just given birth 6 weeks ago . The adoptive parents were there to speak to , and it was an awesome experience . It was so good to see both sides of it . I also realized that I am not yet in any sort of excitement phase about adoption . People keep asking me if I 'm excited and of course I say yes . But the thing is , I 'm keeping my emotions calm because I Posted by |
I was talking to Ed and Molly Colson this morning . They had a large number of guests coming in from Buffalo tomorrow and they wanted to serve them fresh caught trout . Unfortunately , they had little luck catching anything and Ed asked me if could try tonight . I said it would be my pleasure and they would have a dozen fresh trout by tomorrow . Trout in Canoe Lake are difficult to catch at this time of year , either by angling or trawling . Catching by fly is a non - starter too . The only way to catch trout is with a night line . The first thing I had to do was to catch a couple of dozen minnows . This was easy enough to do with bread crumbs and a few tiny pieces of pork . Within the course of a quarter - hour I had a pail full of minnows and I was ready for the next stage of the venture . I used my long trawling line - the copper wire . I unwound the wire and every five or six feet I put a line of three feet with a hook on the end . I put on fourteen lines in total . I knew of a good spot for trout . I took with me a half dozen short cedar logs , about eight - inches each . These would act as floats . I attached a line of about thirty feet to the end of the trawling line and secured this one with a stone . I unwound the line and baited each hook - line with a minnow . Every five or six feet I attached a cedar log to act as a float . When I was finished unwinding the trawl line , I attached another 30 foot line to a stone . And there it was in the lake , the entire contraption - the night line . I went back about 6 o ' clock this morning , and sure enough the cedar logs were twirling and dancing like water striders . I pulled up the the trawling line and I had trout on twelve of the fourteen hooks . Two were lucky to have gotten away but the caught ones were a nice size . The largest almost two and half feet long . I put the dozen trout on a line and delivered to them Molly . She was most gracious and said she would arrange a credit for me at Annie Colson 's outfitting store . It rained today . I was still at my campsite and I could tell it was the type of rain that was going to last all day . The rain started lightly in the early morning but by the later morning it was steady and harder . The rain made bubbles on the surface of the lake . When you see bubbles on the water you know it 's going to rain steady for a long time . I 'd have to spend the day holed up in my tent so I packed up my gear and set out for Mowat Lodge in my canoe . Most likely I 'll be staying here for the next couple of days , judging by the weather . I could stay in my camp , but to be truthful , no matter the resolve of an outdoorsman , if there 's a prospect of a roof and a reasonably soft bed nearby in weather like this , it is the better option to take . I set out onto the water . The surface on Canoe Lake was as smooth as could be , save for the millions of bubbles made by the millions of raindrops coming down . Everything was quiet , save for incessant tapping noise of the raindrops that permeated everything . My bailing tin ( a Chum Tobacco tin ) joined in the chorus but its performance was short - lived because I needed it to bail out the rainwater . My destination was Mowat Lodge , but I decided to go to Lowrie Dickson 's place first . Not sure what prompted the change in plans but I sensed that I had some unfinished business to attend to . Or I needed some whisky . The rain came down harder and harder . The rain clouds descended from the sky and hung low over the water . It was hard to see through the rain and clouds and it felt like the distinction between heaven and earth had disappeared leaving only an amorphous expanse of gray . My only connection to this world was the sound of my paddle dipping and slicing through the water . I imagined that this was the first day of Creation , before the Light . It could have been the afterlife too . Perhaps the essence of life is about colours and anything before and after is just a mass expanse of gray - just like the trenches in Europe . I didn 't like the line of thinking I was falling into . ' Live the colours as long as you can , " I thought to myself . When I arrived at Lowrie 's shack , I shook myself out of my thoughts . The rain was dripping furiously off the brim of my felt hat and my mackinaw trousers were soaked through . I had on my canvas shoes with the rubber bottoms ; the once - white uppers are now a dingy gray . More gray . But I was I was thankful I wasn 't wearing my shoepacks because they 'd stink to high heaven . I explained that I was headed to Mowat Lodge because of the rain , but decided to drop by for a social call first . We went inside . Without missing a beat , Lowrie produced two tin cups on the table with a lick of whisky in each . Lowrie said that after we had our Ouija board session a couple of weeks ago , he decided to look into the rules . A guest at Hotel Algonquin wrote them down for Lowrie . The guest warned him that the spirits got downright ornery if the rules weren 't followed . Rule 1 : Never play the Ouija board alone . As I recall there were at least three of us , Lowrie , George Rowe and me . We had a lot of whisky to drink I remember . Rule 2 : Do not allow the planchette to count down through the numbers or backwards through the alphabet . I don 't remember anything of the sort . I remember some numbers being counted out : 7 and 8 . That 's counting forward by my numbering system . Rule 3 : Always place a silver object upon the Ouija board . I knew you were supposed to do this , but I did not know it was a cardinal rule . I had a lure in my pocket which I set out . I made it from one of Annie 's discarded spoons ( I found it in the pile of potato peelings out back ) . Originally came from the Highland Inn , it was silver to be sure . Rule 4 : Never ever mention ' God ' . We were good on that one too . Lowrie and George make a practice of only mentioning the lower - cased ' god ' in conjunction with ' damned ' or ' forsaken ' . I don 't recall any religious rites or swearing on that evening . At that very moment , a blinding flash of light came through the window . Less than a second later , a hideous crack of thunder shook the cabin . . Another flash - out the window , lightning struck the lake , where I had been in my canoe , not more than an hour ago . This time the crack of thunder was piercing and deafening . It was simultaneous with the lightning . The thunderstorm was on top of of us . What I wouldn 't give to have my paints now . I 'd be outside painting in the storm . If the storm took me , so be it . " Lowrie , don 't worry the damn spirits of the Ouija board . I 'm sure the both of us will be around for a long time . Let 's have another whisky . " It was a muggy day today . The sun was out but not too much . There were big thunder clouds in the sky but enough sun that it became quite warm and things dried up . I decided to canoe over to Little Wap Island . That 's where Taylor Statten has his cabin and he 's there with his wife and son . I got there around noon . I don 't like visiting too early . I asked him about the strange voices I heard last night . " Indeed , no ! " Taylor laughed . " I heard about Sam Hughes ' secret program . They 're doing nothing more than cutting up firewood to ship to the City . There 's a coal shortage , you know . The kids are free labour because they are enemy aliens . " Taylor 's story sounded right . He was always concerned about helping youth . The kids at Sims Pit were victims of circumstance beyond their control . I 'm sure some government bureaucrat thought that hard labour in the North would turn these young boys ' loyalty towards the Dominion and Empire . Taylor invited me for lunch and I obliged . He was getting ready to go to the US . Getting his cabin ready for Dr . Howland and his family . They 'd be arriving in July . After lunch I canoed back to my camp site . The weather began to worsen and by 6 o ' clock it became a downpour . It rained for a solid hour and the water began streaming around my tent . Almost every day this summer so far , it 's rained . In ordinary weather , the tent stays high and dry but with all of the rain the ground is saturated . The water has nowhere to go but straight into the lake and right by my tent . The sun came out later in the evening , just around sunset . I could see the mist rising in the distant hills . I no longer hear the peepers , but instead the deep - throated warbles of the bullfrogs . I saw more than my share of snappers today . They 're looking for places to lay their eggs . The geese are out with their goslings . They are growing at an astounding rate . I was planning to go to to Mowat Lodge to see if there was any mail for me , but I decided to continue the solitude from the greater world for another day . I didn 't really want to know what was happening , because I knew as much as I needed to . The march towards conscription is inevitable . All I know was that I have to go and soon . I need to get a message to Winnie , but I am not sure by mail that it would even get to her . Mail has become a risky proposition and I need to find another way to send a message . Going to Huntsville myself was certainly not in the cards . I must find a trusted messenger . I could ask Charlie Scrim . He is feeling better and making excursions out of the Park . I could ask him to go to Huntsville for me . Once again the weather turned for the worse . I woke up to rain in the morning . Yesterday , there was no sign of a change of weather . I stayed most of the day in my tent . The tent that I set up at Hayhurst is an old surveyors tent that I used . I purchased another tent for camping trips . That 's the one I 'll be sending up to South River to the Watties . This tent is a large canvas and the the poles and pegs I cut from the trees nearby . The bedding is made from balsam limbs . The limbs are cut and laid in a pattern in the tent to yield a soft sleeping surface . It 's actually quite fine to lounge the day on this balsam bed as I did today listening to rain patter on the canvas . When the rain let up , I went outside , sat against a tree , had my pipe and read . It 's a wonder how these gray days can pass by so quickly . The coals were still hot from the night before and it was easy to make a good fire again . I made a pail of tea , and set beans in the bake - kettle . It rained on and off , but started to clear during the later part of the evening . Tea and baked beans were the menu tonight . Once it became darker , I went back into tent , laid out my blankets , rolled up my boots in my coat to make a pillow for the night . There is a slight breeze , making the flaps ripple open . Through the ripples , I can see the lake and its reflection of the night sky . The sky is clearing up and the stars are coming through . I can hear voices across the lake . I don 't think they are coming from Mowat Lodge . It sounds like they are coming from Little Wap Island , or Taylor Statten 's place . I don 't recognize the voices , so Iwonder if Taylor has already left for the United States for his YMCA course . He planned to rent out his cottage to a Dr . from Toronto , Dr . Howland , I think his name is . Maybe I 'll canoe over tomorrow and introduce myself . It 's the summer solstice today . For the first time ever , the sun sets after 9 o ' clock . It 's been setting a few minutes after 9 for the past few days now but since Daylight Savings Time went on for the very first time this year , it 's made the evenings longer . The extra hour is supposed to save coal and electricity in the cities . It doesn 't make any difference here , save for the changes it makes to the train schedules . Shannon said the extra hour of daylight is good for the crops . I believe he was joking on that point , but you 're never sure . Astronomy is not his strong point . He 's hard - pressed to find the Big Dipper . He doesn 't understand the fuss about the Northern Lights , which the city folk like to call " Aurora Borealis . " Shannon thinks that term is a shameful waste of syllables . Once , in jest , I said Shannon was as " constant as the northern star , " hoping that he would catch the allusion . I quickly realized it was lost on him on both counts . First - the reference to Shakespeare 's Julius Caesar - Shannon 's literary depth went as far as compiling a grocery list . And second - that the North Star stayed in one spot in the sky - Shannon was still struggling with the concept of an extra hour of daylight . I could understand him not grasping the first allusion , but the second one , I found it inconceivable that he didn 't know that one . It 's fortunate that Shannon does not have to rely on the stars to navigate Canoe Lake at night - time . He just has to follow the smell of Annie 's cooking . The weather has turned for the better . The evening was serene . It was warm and the slight breeze kept the bugs away . Knowing the weather would be nice , I decided to camp for the evening at Hayhurst Point . My campsite there is semi - permanent . It was my home away from home - just few minutes escape by canoe and easy to get back into operation . I managed to catch a good trout for dinner . I wasn 't sure if I was going to catch anything , so I brought a few slices of bacon with me as well . I decided to prepare both . I have more than enough food , so I 'd keep my eye on the lake and if there happened to be a passerby , I 'd invite them for supper . The evening was beautiful , and nothing could be better than preparing a meal in such pleasant weather . I got the fire going , cleaned the trout , packed it with some flour and butter and put it in the reflector oven beside the fire . Then I started on the bacon and tea . There is a special trick to making tea . Most people think you add the leaves after you boil the water , but that 's not the case . You start with lake water and cold as you can get it , throw in the leaves , and remove the pot just before it comes to a boil . The real trick is to bring the water as close to a boil , but not quite boiling . Bacon preparation has its secrets too . You can 't just fry it . You have to parboil it first . The bacon has lots of salt for preservation , so you have to get that salt out first . You put an inch of water in the frying pan with the bacon and bring it a boil for a couple of minutes . You remove the water then fry it . During meal preparation time , you have to keep your eye on the tea . It 's the making of good tea that makes the best tips for guides . properly steeped tea makes everything taste good . It has to be the right temperature , served at the right time , just before the meal . As soon as the lid shows a hit of steam coming from it , you take it from the fire . Once removed , you throw in a handful of cold water and that makes the leaves go to the bottom . That 's the secret technique - the other secret , as I said , is to make sure it is timed with the other food preparation . After about a half - hour my dinner was ready , tea as well . Nobody came by in a canoe , so I had no dining partner . That was okay . I had dinner by the shore by myself . I watched the sun go down . The evening star was out - Venus , or Hesperus as it is known in Greek mythology . For all the wisdom of the Greeks , they never knew that Phosphorous ( the morning star ) was the very same Venus of the evening before . Hesperus and Phosphorous were the very same being , but the Greeks never figured this out . It was only when man learned that the heavens didn 't circle about the Earth that the someone figured out they were the same . It was the myth that kept man away from the true fact of the matter . This train of thought reminded me of the ' Wreck of the Hesperus , " the poem I knew by heart , and sang to Fanny Case and her girls . In some ways I feel the inevitability of the ' Wreck of the Hesperus . ' Is this my fate too ? Maybe I need to write a new poem called , ' Rise of Phosphorous ' , about the evening star , Hesperus , disappearing into the night , only to reappear the next day as Phosphorous , a new and different being to everyone . The secret that Venus held for millennia - that Hesperus and Phosphorous , were the same - and nobody knew . A poem is a myth that creates a new reality . Or maybe , it is the other way around . In either case , I needed a new reality , not just a new poem or myth . Poems and myths are for others . I 'm not sure where these thoughts are taking me . I hear the whistle of a distant train . Just a single long whistle . That means it is about to cross a trestle bridge , warning everyone well in advance . The whistle has jolted me out of my thoughts and I look back out towards the shore . The sun is going down . The wind has stopped and the lake has turned to golden glass . It is about as peaceful as it could ever be . As for the heavenly bodies , I can only see Hesperus , but the other stars are coming out . I can 't yet see the Northern Star . But since it is constant , I knew exactly where to look . It will appear in due time . And tomorrow I will see Phosphorous . There 's a reason why everyone wears long sleeves in the Park . Yes , even in the middle of summer . Bugs , thistles , hawthorne bushes , raspberry thorns , poison ivy , blood root , water hemlock . Lowrie came back with a report that he saw some water hemlock in the swampy area on near the dump . Shannon and I decided to investigate . We were in for a surprise . There weren 't just a few - there were hundreds . They were all waist - high now and by the end of the summer , they 'll be taller than an enlisted man . The water hemlock masquerades as a pretty wildflower . It smells sweet , like parsnip because it 's related to parsnip , but don 't try to eat it , it 's deadly poisonous . The sap , just a little bit , is enough to kill a full grown man . We all knew the story . Back in 1914 , two American guests at the Hotel Algonquin set out for a three day canoe trip , never to return . After a week , a search party was sent out and they were found - dead at a campsite . They found a collection of water hemlock roots beside the dead men . The roots had bites out of them . . We 've all learned not to touch the stuff . Last summer , Lowrie got the sap on his arms and he couldn 't show his skin for the whole summer . Each time he exposed him arms to sunlight , he got burns ten times the worse than what you 'd ever get from the sun . Shannon brought his scythe along , and he decided the best way to deal with it was to cut it down and keep an eye on it . Giant Hogweed is an alien species in the Park . Someone brought it from overseas to decorate their garden and it got out in the wild . It looks like a wild carrot - a wild carrot from hell actually . It 's also surprising to know that many of the flowers in the meadows are not native either . Like Hogweed , many of the garden flowers brought over from England have established themselves in the Park and are pushing out the native species . Once the pine trees were cut and cleared away , it gave these alien species opportunity to establish themselves . It 's ironic - we 've sent our men to England to fight , and in return they give us flowers that grow in the land that should be worked by these very men who 'll never come back . It 's also ironic when people come for the ' untouched nature ' of the Park , what they are really seeing is alien second - growth . Aside from plants , there are other aliens in the Park . Enemy aliens as they 're called . The camp at Sims Pit has enemy aliens , and by rights , Martin Blecher Jr . is an enemy alien too . Earlier in the morning I canoed by the Blecher boathouse . The doors were open , and I could see inside . Martin 's putt - putt boat was parked inside . Inside there was a workbench and repair tools . Martin was pretty handy with tools and he had all the expensive ones . I guess he has it pretty good ; his father is a retired furniture magnate . I 'm sure his father is the the one paying the bills . I figured that Martin was sleeping once again in the boathouse . I heard the fights over at the Blecher cottage . He and his sister get into some pretty nasty fights and you can hear the yelling all the way up to the Lodge . The day before yesterday , I saw that furniture had been thrown into the lake . I could only speculate that the nature of that fight resulted in some sort of eviction and Martin moving into the boathouse . " Yeah , Martin . I was only passing by to say hi . " I drew my paddle back into the water and glided out of his line of sight . There was no need for him to be unfriendly . I think it 's more out of habit that he is so gruff . I 'm pretty sure he learned it from his battle - axe of a mother , Louisa . Once she chased me off their property with a broom . I try to think of other things , but Winnie is on my mind almost all the time . It 's been a few days since I sent the letter to Billie Bear Lodge . I haven 't heard anything back yet , so I 'm getting worried . I am starting to think of another plan , that Winnie and I will rendezvous up in South River and then go out West from there - to North Bay , and then to the Soo . My friend , Tom Wattie and his family live in South River . If I don 't hear from Billie Bear soon I 'll ship some gear to South River . That way , when I do leave from here , it won 't look like I 'm leaving for good . I 'll wait a few more days before I decide what to do . I went up to Joe Lake to fish this afternoon . A girl guest from the Algonquin Hotel came down to watch me . I ignored her , then she said , " You are a disciple of Izaak Walton ! " I smiled and kept on fishing . I knew the game . Annie Colson gave the girl that quote . I 'm sure the girl was quite smitten with me and wanted something smart to say to me . It 's happened before . The girls always seem to go to Annie for advice on what to say to me and this is the quote she gives them . It 's a game between Annie and me . The girls don 't know they 're part of a game . It 's harmless game , and I don 't do anything with it . I 'd never want to get into that type of situation if the game ever got serious . The dew was heavy this morning . I couldn 't walk more than 10 yards and my boots and trousers were soaked . The tall grass in the meadows is already starting to seed so my clothes were covered . Patches of milkweed are cropping up everywhere and I could see hanging from the milkweed a caterpillar pupa that was about ready to emerge as a Monarch butterfly . It 's called metamorphosis - the final stage - turning into a full - blown butterfly to enjoy the final few weeks of its life . I studied Monarch butterflies when I went with my Uncle Brodie on field trips in Toronto . He was an expert on insects , entomology , I think it is called . We called him " Dr . Brodie " which gave him the air of a scientist and researcher , but he really got his Dr . 's degree by taking a dentistry course which he dropped after two weeks . Needless to say , the Dr . title stuck , and Dr . Brodie became one of the foremost insect experts in Toronto . His reputation was so well regarded , he was consulted in the creation of the the Park . A fascinating thing about Monarch butterflies is not that they migrate from far down South - they come from as far as Mexico . The fascinating thing is that there are four generations of butterflies when they 're here . Right now , this is the start of the second generation . The first one got its start in early May . They live for about six weeks , mate , lay eggs then die . There 'll be a third generation , and then the fourth , for some mysterious reason , has a longer life and the Monarchs migrate back down South . It goes to prove that while things get passed down through the generations , some generations have what other generations don 't have . I often wondered about this . Did I have a distant relative from far back who was like me ? Not my father , nor my grandfather . Not even my great - grandfather , but possibly my great - great grandfather . If I have a son , will he be like me ? Or his son ? Or his son 's son - my great grandson ? What do I have that I do not know ? What will I pass down to my fourth generation ? Maybe it 's my turn to migrate ? The pondering stopped when I saw Lowrie Dickson down by the shore . He hailed me down and motioned toward his shack . That was an invitation . So I made my way down , wet boots , wet trousers and all . " We found this at the dump . We heard about them and gave it a whirl . " Lowrie showed me a board of sorts . It was an Oujia Board . " My goodness , that 's the board Annie threw out . I thought Shannon would have burned it . " Then I remembered , Shannon hid it in the horse barn . It eventually must have ended up in Canoe Lake Dump . I wasn 't really the superstitious type , but I was in the same camp as Annie . I didn 't like these things . " You tried it ? " I asked . Oh my goodness . First of all you aren 't supposed to try the Ouija while drinking . Second , you weren 't supposed to use an upturned whisky glass as the planchette . The spirits would get downright ornery . " 78 revolutions per minute . " Lowrie paused and his eyes brightened up , " I get it , Tom ! You think it 's tellin ' me to play a song ? " " Maybe . " I was feeling pretty smug . On a lark I thought the 78 might refer to a record . When I went down that line of reasoning things started to fit together . I had read in the papers that Rudyard Kipling 's poem " Song in a Storm " had been put to music by Sir Edward Elgar and was called " Fate 's Discourtesy " . The song was recorded as part of " Fringes of the Fleet . " It was available as a 78 RPM for the Victrola . A strange coincidence . A good yarn for Lowrie . " I ain 't got money for that ! " Lowrie objected to the thought of spending money for music . He managed to get his records from the Highland Inn . The manager there gave him the played out ones when they got too scratchy , since Lowrie 's Victrola was the only other one nearby . The scratches really didn 't make much difference when Lowrie played the Victrola on the lake in his canoe . The pleasant surprise of music coming from the lake earned him tips from the guests . Sound quality was secondary to the surprise factor . That was the end of the Ouija board discussion . I spent the better part of the evening having drinks with Lowrie and George . We must have been loud because Martin Blecher dropped by . He was about to complain , but then George offered him a shot and he joined the conversation . It also turned out that Shannon 's nostrils must have been burning because he showed up too . Together , we had a good time at Lowrie 's shack . As things were winding down , George Rowe said , " A good time , gentleman . Next time it 'll be up at my cabin . Maybe the weekend after Dominion Day ; July 7 or 8 . " Maybe something fateful was going to happen on July 8th . I dismissed the notion . Nothing more than superstition . I went back to my room for the night . |
CG : It 's my pleasure , because Tina 's been lovely - she 's been so helpful and she 's been so chuffed about the bits and pieces that I passed on to her . She really is a lovely darling . My association with PETER goes back an awful long way you know . I don 't know how much you know about PETER . I 'm sure you know an awful lot though . CG : I wanted to be in show business ! What I did was I applied for all sorts of things . I got onto Granada Television 's list , for extras roles . I thought that could be a bit of fun - I 'm not really interested in being an ' ac - tor ' . But the very first day I was in Coronation Street I met all these lovely people and I got chatting away with them . I became very friendly with Pat Phoenix - you know , ' Elsie Tanner ' ? She said , " I 'm going on a PA tonight Carl and if you want to come with us you can , ' cause you 're staying over aren 't you ? " I said , " Yes , fair enough . " I remember that this was a Friday night , lashing with rain , and we 're going to a bingo club in Blackburn or Bury or somewhere with a B in it . People were just piling into her . I 'm saying to her , " What the heck 's going on here Pat ? Why isn 't there someone to guard you ? " " Oh no … " she said . I asked about her Agent , " What did he do - just take your commission ? " She said , " Yeah , " so I said , " You mean he didn 't turn up and look after you or anything ? " and she said , " No " On my second day I 'm doing my Corrie scenes and she 's talking to me . I 'm saying , " I think its awful Patricia . I don 't know ! I 'm thinking of going into showbiz on the theatrical side as an Agent - not as an actor . " And she said , " If you ever do love I 'm your first client ! " And of course once you get Pat Phoenix online they all come . They all want to be part of the deal . I did get asked by her Agent to lay off his client . I said , " Well you know , you ought to talk to your client . What I 'm doing is - I 'm not taking these people away from you - I 'm offering them a service that you don 't do because you 're lazy ! " ( Laughs ) So I 'm either gonna die here or whatever … but it sort of developed because then what happened was I saw an advert in The Stage newspaper - they 're making a film in Bradford called ' Billy Liar ' , and it starred Tom Courtenay . They wanted a stand - in . What they wanted to do was to use somebody locally because in that way they wouldn 't have to pay any expenses for food and hotels . It wasn 't an awful lot of money but I thought it could be quite fun . So the first day I get there to the hotel , which is next door to the railway station , and there 's a guy there called Peter Holdsworth who was a showbiz columnist . He was very good to me when I started . He wrote me up , " He was in Coronation Street last night " when I 'd just stood at the bar and said , " Mrs . Walker can I have a pint of your best ? " He said , " You were really good though Carl . " And I said , " Oh thank you . " Anyway he was very nice you see , so I told him that I 'd got this job with Tom Courtenay . I 'm sat down with Tom , having a cup of tea , and PETER comes in with the camera and takes a few pictures . As he 's walking away Courtenay says to me , " What 's all that about then ? " I reply , " It 's just the local press doing a little story about the fact that I 've quit my job , I 've got into Corrie and I 've come in here to do a stand - in job . " He says , " Just a minute , I 'm the star the film ! " I told him it 's like only a case of ' local boy makes good ' . I said , " No , no , no - you 've got it wrong there young sir " He said , " Put it this way Carl - if that article appears , you 're sacked ! " It did and I was ! ( Laughs ) An original press photo ' taken at one of Carl Gresham 's events . Here , PETER is seen with 17 - year - old Jean Anderson , who he met while opening a new Woolworth store at the Arndale Centre in Luton , Bedfordshire , on November 8th , 1971 . AS : After the first Elsie Tanner thing - the PA - how quickly did you get into that side of things ? CG : Well I started the agency up straight away really , because I knew various bingo club people and I used to say to them , " Look , I can get you Pat Phoenix . " " What ? Can you ? " " Oh yeah , yes , I can - but it 's got to be organised . " And I would go and arrange it and it would be like a military operation ; the same with PETER WYNGARDE . It was all done ' The Gresh Way ' - there was no other way of doing it than that , frankly . I 'd done a couple of things at Caton Bay Holiday Camp after the owner had seen one of the other other PAs we 'd done . He asked , " I 'm just thinking Carl - could we have celebs at the camp ? " I said , " Well you could , but the problem I 've got with people - certainly people in Corrie - is they don 't know from one week to the next if they 're working the next week . So I can 't say to you they will come next week or the week after , but I can guarantee I 'll get you ' A Coronation Street Star ' at some time and they 'll appear , and do whatever . I could plan it and one would say I can 't do it next week , and another one would say , " I 'll do Pat 's as she on this week - she can 't go " It was a fantastic success and there happened to be a young lady there with her parents and her Dad was an area manager for Woolworths . He told his boss in London , " Have you seen this thing ? Look I 've got the brochure here . " He said , " We 're thinking what we 're going to do about all these refurbishments here . " They were going to refurbish every single Woolworths in England , Ireland , Scotland & Wales . And he said , " I 'm just wondering … " And the guy , who was an absolutely wonderful gentleman , Mike Sherlock , Chief Executive of Woolworths Europe Inc . He worked from Marylebone High Street , which was then Woolworth 's European HQ . He got his secretary to ring me and arrange a meeting . Now I 'm a lad from Bradford thinking , you know , I 've got a lot of people on my books now . I didn 't have Eric & Ernie by then but I 'd got all the Corrie people and I 'd got people from Crossroads , It was all ticking over very nicely . He explained what he wanted to do and I said , " That 's fine . The only thing I have to tell you is that I 'll do everything . I 'll do all you advertising for you , I 'll do the posters for you , " I said , " We put in the compere - we do the entire thing at a price . All you have to worry about is paying me . " And he said , Well that sounds good to me Carl quite frankly . " And I mean I 'm going back a long , long time . CG : Absolutely . And what I would do is - in the case of somebody like PETER , living in London - I would send a car - a private taxi - to his home . He 'd be taken to the airport , or Kings Cross if he was , say , going to Leeds . He 'd get a First Class rail ticket - and be staying overnight in a First Class hotel . When he got there I would meet him , and take him round . The chap from Woolworths said to his Secretary " Can you go and get me that cheque for Mr . Gresham ? What is it ? G - R - E - S - H - A - M ? " I said , " Yes . " Now I 'm going back to the late 60s - early 70s - a very long time ago - and he gave me a cheque for £ 500 ! He said , " Now will that get us going ? " I said , " Well you 've not bought anybody . " And he said , " No , well we 're going to be booking people , you see . " He said , " You let me know whatever else you want . " That was the way we did the business - I worked it out what I wanted ; sometimes I made a mistake and I didn 't make as much . It didn 't matter - the next time I pulled it back so it was OK . What I found out what happened - particularly with Woolworths - was that the Area Managers ' wives decided whom they wanted to meet . So they 'd say I want to meet Eric & Ernie - well Eric & Ernie weren 't available … I want to meet Hughie Green - well Hughie was one of mine , so he could do that . They wanted to meet PETER WYNGARDE ; he was one of mine so we could probably do that . I mean PETER , after Eric & Ernie , was the most popular person in Britain on my books , everyone wanted to meet PETER WYNGARDE . He couldn 't possibly do all of them . And so I would arrange to go with my compere - who was a wonderful man called Garth Cawood - wonderful guy . We would meet at the store - at Woolworths - 4 o ' clock the day before , for the rehearsal . And we did a proper rehearsal like you 'd do in a theatre - right , we 'll go down there and we 'll do this … And if you remember the old Woolworths they had these long aisles - 3 or 4 aisles . The middle aisle was usually completely blocked off . You could have people in the other aisles but not in the middle aisle , which was called ' The Gresh Way ' . Then PETER would walk down there , shake hands with people if he wanted to do , which was entirely up to him . Then when he got to the end I made sure there was a door at the back of us , if there was an emergency , get out . It would probably go to a stock room but it didn 't matter . We rarely ever needed that . The audience got the Greshpics , and the PETER would be there for one hour and then go upstairs and talk to the people in the Management Office for about another half hour or so . Now what happened here was when we did the Arndale Centres it was too dangerous . What happened was people - particularly liking PETER - they would come and stay the night . They never knew which hotel we were in ; sometimes they were lucky - sometimes they were not . Sometimes PETER would say , " I 'll just have my dinner in my room love . " That 's fine - it worked for him anyway . They found out that we never came out of the store 's front entrance or went into the store that way . We were like Cinderella - as soon as we 'd done the PA we disappeared and no one knew where . They suddenly cottoned on to where we were and if it was an Arndale Centre , of course , we could go inside the Arndale Centre downstairs , and drive into the delivery area in the loading bays . Of course nobody was allowed in there because there were literally huge lorries - huge juggernauts , massive things , delivering . We had our car ; we could take our car in but they wouldn 't let pedestrians in . It was too dangerous , far too dangerous . So they 'd stand outside and wait for PETER as we came out . But , to go back , if it was in a store in a town and it wasn 't an Arndale Centre , that was a little bit of a problem because they got to know that we left by the loading bay . And even though it was a much smaller loading bay it could have been dangerous if they weren 't careful . So the guy would have to say , " Look he 's gone , " " No that 's MR . WYNGARDE ' S car - we know it 's Mr . Wyngarde 's car . " " Well yes , but he 's left - he 's gone . He 's got a taxi and gone . " Although we know he hasn 't gone ( laughs ) . I have to say they were very good . PETER was also extremely good with them , you know . He didn 't mind - he had a job to do and he was very , very happy to do the job . So anyway , we 'd get there at 4 o ' clock . My compere Garth would set up all his own equipment - his microphone , his speakers and everything , just outside the front door . No when you 've got 5000 screaming women at you , you know , it 's a big novelty ! ( Laughs ) . CG : No , no , no - that 's correct . PETER was nowhere near . It was myself and the executives of Woolworths , and I 'd say , " We 'll put PETER there . " You 'd get the odd manager at the stores ; the clever clogs who thought he knew what he was going to do . And the Area Manager would ask , " You OK Carl ? " And I 'd say , " Yes it 's OK but I think we 'll … " and he 'd say , " What 's the problem ? We 'll do whatever you say . " And it would suddenly dawn on him what this little manager chap wants to do and he ( the manager ) said , " Well I thought we 'd do it this way … " And the Area Manager would say , " No - we do what Mr . Gresham says . Mr . Gresham dictates what 's going on here - nobody else . He does these all the time for us you know . " Well the Woolworths Manager 's worked in the store all his life and it 's the first time he 's met a celebrity and he thinks we 'd do it his way , which wouldn 't be the right way . We would dictate what we were going to do . Then when PETER would arrive he 'd be telling me what train he 'd catch because I 'd got the tickets for him I knew which bloody train he 'd catch ! I 'd send Garth , or I 'd go myself , and we 'd collect him from the station , bring him back in a hired car to his hotel and go to his room . Nine times out of 10 he would have dinner with the management . Now and again he 'd say , " I 'm a bit tired love , can you explain ? " Not a problem - you have to have what you like . And of course there were times when these girls had got in - somebody would say he 'd be in the hotel and he wasn 't there , and they would wonder . I would say , " He doesn 't stay here you know , love … " ( Laughs ) and they 'd say , " What ? " and I 'd say , " I don 't know who told you PETER stays here . He 's been in to say hello , but he 's out in the sticks , in some very nice little inn somewhere … " and make some name up . I 've got visions of these women turning up at these pubs and saying , " Have you got PETER WYNGARDE here ? " ( Laughs ) CG : No , no , no … they caught me out in as much as if they were going to wait in the loading bay area for us to leave , because they would know we were leaving ; they 'd smile . But they were always very polite because they met him and they did all the fan thing . One particular story … all the Woolies Area Managers - they were really super people . They 'd been told by their Head Office to do what they were told . Anything Mr . Gresham wanted , they got for us . They were fine about that because it worked for them . They had one guy , a lovely guy ; he ran the Mansfield and surrounding area . His wife had met Larry Grayson , his wife had met Hughie Green and his wife had met PETER WYNGARDE in the different stores . He rang me and he said , " Carl , I 've got the list for the new store in ' blah blah ' . I said , " Oh yes ? " And he said , " I hope it will be OK , but can I change something ? " I said , " Well , what 's the problem ? " He said , Well the wife 's met all these people and it 's my turn now . Can you get me Anne Aston ? " ( Laughs ) You remember her in ' The Golden Shot ? ' CG : And that 's what I did ! He said , " The wife 's had 3 - let me have bloody one ! " ( Laughs ) And that 's only one . He said , " Can we have Elsie Tanner ? " I said , " Sure , of course you can , all being well . The guys would say that the wives had met PETER WYNGARDE , they 'd met Hughie Green , they 'd met the people from Emmerdale and Corrie and now I 'd like a chance of a visit from one of the ladies please . When I told Anne Aston all this she started laughing . She was very , very good with them . They were all very good . The only one we ever had a problem with was Simon Dee . Not only did he not turn up for a PA , after a lot of careful arrangements had been set in place , but he also sent a rather uncomplimentary Telegram ( on the day ) to explain his absence ! Mind you , Woolworths didn 't care in the end because the story got so much press coverage . They said , " You know , we 've had so much publicity . We 've had every newspaper in the country saying Simon Dee didn 't turn up because he was a pain ! " ( Laughs ) CG : Absolutely . Absolutely . And I never spoke to his Agent again . He had somebody else he wanted me to use . I said , " I 'm not interested . You knew all that was going on - you could have told me . I could have got somebody else in . I could have got Morecambe & Wise … " I couldn 't have got Morecambe & Wise but I told him I could , " I could have got Hughie Green . I could have got anybody I wanted , not letting these people down . What you did was totally unforgivable , so I would never use you and don 't bother ringing me again ! " He never did . He never had anyone that I wanted anyway , because I 'd got my core Artistes . Tony Blackburn came or any of the other DJs came . We used to use DLT a lot . What a nice guy . I 'm so sad about all the trouble he 's going through lately . In the main it ran like clockwork . I had a very small staff ; I had a PA and some people working in the office , the bookers and some others . We were having lunch the one day and I said , " You know , this is all wonderful , " I said , " we 're going all over the country , escorting all these big stars . We 're meeting all the people , they 're ringing in saying , ' Can you put me on your books ? ' It 's all lovely , but one day it will all go belly up . " They said , " No , no it won 't . " I replied , " I 'm telling you now - not today , not tomorrow , you know . We 'll be alright for a while . We may get away with it for a year , we may even get two years . " We got about four years out of it then it started to get very slow . Then the inevitable happened and we began , sadly , to lose some of these wonderful performers as time took its toll . CG : Right . By the time I met PETER I 'd been known for using big name celebrities and I was at the Dorchester Hotel with two of my friends . Pete Murray was one of them . He had a show called Open House , where he invited guests onto the radio in the morning . He was very , very nice indeed . There was another guy with us , a friend of mine called Engelbert Humperdinck . I didn 't work with him , I just knew him . I 'd worked with Peter ( Murray ) and he said , " Oh look , there 's PETER WYNGARDE over there , speak to him … you never know . " I said , " Oh he wouldn 't want to work with me … , " and Peter ( Murray ) said , " I dunno . PETER - come over here ! " and he introduced me . PETER said , " Hello , I 've heard a lot about you Carl . " I said , " Well you 're not going to be interested in me , surely ? We do these PA events . " PETER went on to say , " Oh you know , I 've got a few months off before the next series . " Now if they don 't volunteer their home contact number I don 't ask for it , because that 's the way it is in our show business . If he wanted me to have it he would have given it to me . So what I have to do is I have to ring his agent . In those days PETER was with a big international company called ICM . Now ICM had got offices in New York , in Canada , in Sweden - all over the world ! They looked after people like Michael Caine , Roger Moore - those kind of people - Peter O ' Toole . Mainly all they 're interested in , to be honest with you , are movies . How many million pounds they 'd get for the actors , and how many millions of pounds for their company . Now this guy 's name isn 't Hymie but I 'll call him Hymie because , well , that 's showbiz ! I knew that he handled PETER , so I rang him up . The minute I said I was speaking to his client last night he goes , " What ? Pardon ? " I said , " I was talking to your client last night , PETER WYNGARDE . " He says , " You were talking to him ? " " Yes , " I respond , " I was talking to him . " He asks , " Why would you do that ? " I explained that I was just at the hotel with Pete Murray and my other clients and he says , " Oh yes ? " And I said I was introduced to him and that he 'd just made some overtures that he might be interested in doing the personal appearances . Then he replied , " What are you talking about ? " so I knew he had no idea what I meant . I explained that it was one of those opening shops sort of things , " And you were talking to my client about it ? " he said , and I said , " Yes , I spoke to your client and I 'm just ringing now to see if we can do a deal . " So he says , " What are you going to give me then ? " and I replied , " What do you mean - what am I going to give you ? " And he said , " To appear ? " And I said , " Hymie - I 'm a promoter ; I put all the things together . You know we do work with Morecambe and Wise , Larry Grayson , Les Dawson - you know , they don 't get much bigger ! PETER would be a tremendous value to us , for our Woolworth 's circuit to start with , and the bingo clubs would use him as well . " He said , " That 's right - so what are you going to pay ? " I said , " It 's not the way it works , Hymie . " He said , " Just a minute young man , if you can 't be bothered telling me what you want you can go * * * * yourself ! " and then he put the ' phone down on me . I just thought ' that 's it ! ' and I thought no more of it . Then I 'm at the Lancaster Gate , three weeks later , and again a gang of my friends were there . Tony Blackburn was there , Dave Lee Travis was there , David Hamilton 's there and many other people that I know . This guy comes up to me and says , " Mr . Gresham ! " and it was PETER . I said , " Oh hello PETER . " He said , " Can I have a word ? " I said , " Of course you can love . " He said , " We met - do you remember that - about two weeks ago at the Dorchester ? " I replied , " We did , we did . " He said , " You were with Pete Murray , " and I said , " Yes , that 's right . And then he said , " I haven ' heard anything . " So I said , " Well there 's a good reason for that PETER . " We went and had a drink in a quiet room there and I told him the story . PETER said , " What a * * * * * * * ! " He said , " Actually I never thought to give you my number - I 'm sorry . Let me give you my number now and if anything comes up . " He said , " Do you think Woolworths will be interested in me ? " I said , " I know for a fact they will be interested . I know they would love to have you , because you 're suave and what have you . " He 'd just done the series of ' Department S ' and had started recording ' Jason King ' which as you know was the second series , because they gave him his own show . PETER said , " You ring me Carl . Have a word with Woolworths and ring me . " We 've got to go on a little bit now so I did ring him . I spoke to Woolies and they asked me what I thought . Now I 've got to be careful here because I don 't know what he 's going to want and I know that I 've got to give him a fair price . I 've got to think of my ' up and downs ' ; I 'm putting people in from Coronation Street for 50 or 60 quid . I 'm putting Morecambe and Wise in for many , many thousands of pounds . I 've got to make sure that there 's some balance left for me . You know , at the end of the day . So I 'm thinking , and they said , " We 're thinking of offering him a contract Carl , if you 're happy . We 'll do it through you of course and we 'd want him to do 12 for us . " And I 'm thinking 12 ! ! ! - I can retire with that ! I said , " Give me five minutes and I 'll ring you back , " and that was fine . I rang PETER - and I mean this is the kind of man he was - he said , " Oh hello Carl - can you fix me one ? " I said , " How about if I can fix you twelve ? " He said , " What do you mean , twelve ? " I said , " I 've just spoken to Woolworths . I told you they 'd be interested and obviously it depends on what the deal is . " He said to me , " Look Carl , what do you think is fair ? " That is a guy who - and I 've got to be careful , I want him to get as much money as he can and leave me a penny to live on . So I very quickly did a calculation . Now you 've got to remember that I have to pay all his expenses . I 've got to send a private car or taxi to his home . Get him to the station or to the airport , put him in a beautiful room in a nice 5 star hotel ( 4 star if they can , and have something left for me . ) So I worked out a silly amount for Woolies ; I 'd given them the figures and I thought , " They won 't buy that ! " It wasn 't more than Morecambe and Wise but we 're on those lines really . And they said , " We 'll pay that Carl . Does that include the compere ? " I said , " That includes everything ! " So I cut it in half . I thought half for him and half for me and he said to me , " Now that 'll do nicely Carl , " he said , " Will you look after me ? " I said , " All you need to do PETER is put yourself in my hands . I need you at the hotel the night before . " He said , " Not a problem . " I said , " It 's a 24 hour gig this ; you 've got to leave home at 2 o ' clock in the afternoon to get a train to wherever it will be and you won 't get home till 2 o ' clock the next day . " He said , " That is fine with me - when will you pay me ? " I said , " I 'll pay you on the day - are you happy with that ? " He said , " That 'll do for me . " Then we 've done 6 of these PAs and he 's a hoot ! He 's absolute … he 's a charmer beyond belief . Wonderful person ! No wonder I enjoyed it . So I 'm in the office one day and the ' phone rings … " Carl baby ! How are you ? " " Who 's that ? " say I . " It 's Hymie , my love ! I said , " Hello Hymie ! How are you Hymie ? " He said , " I 'm very , very well - how are you then ? " I said , " Yeah I 'm OK . How can I help you ? " I knew exactly why he was ringing me - I knew exactly what the score was . He said , " PETER WYNGARDE . " I replied , " Oh yes , PETER WYNGARDE - what can I do for you ? " He said , " He 's got some dates off you Carl and he 's doing some PAs for Woolworths for you . " I said , " That 's correct , yes . " So Hymie says , " I 'm only double checking - what are you paying him ? " I said , " Hymie - you were so rude to me . You thought I was a piece of rubbish , simply because I wasn 't a London agent . I 'd called you with the courteousness I 've given anybody , to ask you about PETER . I suggest if you want to know what PETER WYNGARDE is receiving from me , then you ask him ! " Then I put the ' phone down . I then called PETER and when I told him that story he said , " You haven 't told him have you ? " I said , " PETER I have no intention of telling him ! " PETER said , " Let him try Carl - let him try ! " I never heard another word - I never asked PETER either ; I couldn 't give a damn . But I imagine if the guy had said , " Well can I have some commission PETER ? " he 'd have said no ! ( Laughs ) . CG : Well no - sadly - because I don 't know how much you know about it but there was a problem with a high profile court case . Now the thing about that is we were contracted to do 12 PAs and I - even to this day - I think he was set up . I had a long chat with PETER about this . He understood - he said , " I can 't do Woolies at the moment Gresh . " I simply said , " Let 's postpone it and see how things go . " Which is exactly what the guy from Woollies said . He said , " Is he going to be upset ? " I said , " It doesn 't make any difference , Michael . It doesn 't make any difference . We cannot be associated with this situation . It 's not my fault - I don 't believe it was PETER 's fault , but I can 't prove that . " I mean if I could have proved it I 'd have gone to court on his side , but it did upset him a lot . CG : Ten - we did ten . We 'd done the ten and then let 's say the ten was on the Friday , and the Sunday papers came out with the news that he 'd been arrested that weekend . He was mortified , totally mortified about the whole thing . And he said , " Do you think we can do it ? " And I said , " Well we can 't do any at the moment PETER until the court case is finished . You 'll have to see what happens there . But at the moment I think you 're best keeping your head down . " Obviously I wouldn 't have put him anywhere for his sake . Because a ) it would have been embarrassing if some idiot had come and tried to hit him or something - although our security was very good . Secondly I thought also for his own peace of mind it was better . I think he was a clever man . I don 't think he squandered his money . I think he made sure he was OK , but those many thousands of pounds he got from me I 'm hoping helped . I 'm just thinking what a fool the guy was at ICM . I mean he could have had 10 % or 15 % or whatever he was taking from these people . ( Laughs ) It was sizeable - certainly sizeable . I mean they couldn 't have Morecambe & Wise only because we were so busy doing other things . It wasn 't that they didn 't want to do Woolworths . Ernie rang me and said , " Damn it , you 've got Wyngarde working for you now ! You don 't want us anymore . " I said , " I didn 't want to tell you actually Ernie - I 'm just replacing you . " ( Laughs ) He came from Leeds did Ernie . That raised a laugh it did . CG : Oh yes , certainly . The boys loved working when we did , and they said , " If you come through Carl we 'll come to that first . If we 've nothing else on we 'll see - we 're not that bothered , but if it 's through Carl we 'll do them . " That 's what everybody said working with me . Well apart from the Simon Dee , maybe When Eric died we still kept working with Ernie and he was just wonderful - people loved him . He was a very clever man , you know - a very , very clever man . He was lovely . CG : The thing is when we went anywhere at all I could have put my hands on any security guys I wanted , but I did it all myself . I also used the staff in places like Woolworths to ' Stand there - don 't move ' ; ' stand there - don 't move ' and they were lovely . They were only there to protect PETER for himself , but there was no need to worry because people were always very good . The Compere would say , " When PETER arrives please , don 't all rush because I 'm only little and you 're all big . You can do all the damage - so please , don 't knock me over . I promise you nobody will leave this store without an autograph from PETER , or a picture . " We said that everything would be fine . We 'd done the pictures in advance - all the pictures , because I owned the world copyrights ; I still do . The signatures , you see , we did all of those in advance . CG : Oh no they were prints , but the way that they were printed was different . I did them for people for a long time because nobody could copy them . They were in my copyright because of the way it was done . One day we got a ' phone call from New York . They said , " We 've seen these Greshpics that you do Mr . Gresham . We 've got a very big client who 's doing a world tour . Is there any chance we could negotiate a deal ? " I told them that of course there was . It took a long time to get sorted and in the end sadly we never got a deal , but that person was Michael Jackson . He wanted 10 million signed pictures - different signatures . His signatures , but different ones so that they could mix them up . Matter of fact we did it for Barry Manilow - they mixed them all up . We did the same for Bob Monkhouse - he had a few . When Cannon & Ball were at their height , we did all of their stuff . But we 'd mix it in , so that if they sent two signatures to the same address they saw that they looked just slightly different . CG : Well they weren 't ' printed ' signatures because no one knew the difference . It was the easiest thing in the world , now I look back , to copy - but my signatures had two things . First of all they had indentations in . No printed signature had indentions - they were just photo copies . All mine had indentations . But what was more important was , if you got a picture of PETER WYNGARDE on a Greshpic you could put your finger on your tongue and you could wipe off the ink ! The ink came off . Now that was a very clever way of doing it . It was a very simple thing I 'd worked out , and no - one but myself and the guy who published them , who printed them for me , knew this process at the time and it had to be that way . All the time people would say to me , " Will you do this for me ? Will you do that ? " They wanted us to do something for the 007 people . But then we got so far down the road and they wanted a million printed , so I wanted the money up front . I 'm not doing them - putting myself to all the trouble of doing a million of these and then them saying that they don 't like them , you know . But we almost got Michael Jackson - I know that for a fact ; his people in America wanted him to do it . I said , " Just give me 3 or 4 different signatures , but don 't send me photocopies of his signature . Then I can 't do it - I need a proper signature that he has originally signed . I know what happened when they came - they weren 't signed by him . I knew - I could tell ; I 'm very good at signatures . I said , " I can do this for you , but what you 're doing is fooling his fans . " I wasn 't sorry we didn 't get that deal in the end because somebody in the office had just written ' Michael Jackson ' . It was very near - very near , of course it was , but it wasn 't correct . When I told them why it wasn 't correct the guy said , " Mr . Gresham - you 're a very clever man Mr . Gresham . I 'm sorry we bothered you . Goodbye . " ( Laughs ) Imagine why Jackson wouldn 't want to do the signatures ? I don 't know … Manilow was a different thing . It was not done by him , it was done by his touring people in Europe , but they were so very good that I said , " I 'll go with that - I don 't mind . " And he was over the moon with them - he thought they were wonderful . CG : Greshpics - always pre - signed . When we went to Caton Bay we took Greshpics and we 'd say , " He 's been signing these all day long - he 's knackered ! " ( Laughs ) " Don 't be asking him for an autograph love , they 're here ! And you 've got a picture as well ! Look - on the back you 've got a biography . Can you see that ? Yes . " CG : ( Laughs ) Tony Blackburn - bless his cotton socks - he said about his card , " There 's more blinking mentions of your name than mine ! " ( Laughs ) And he was right ! ' Carl Gresham Presents ' , ' Carl Gresham says ' , ' Carl Gresham did this ' . Amazing . Forsyth said , " I 'd better come and do some of these PAs , hadn 't I ? " I said , " Brucie love , it 's up to you . " He said , " Yes , I was talking to PETER . " Now whether PETER told him what pay he was on I don 't know . I don 't think PETER would do that . But Forsyth knew that if I was paying PETER WYNGARDE to do a PA and he got the same money , he 'd be a happy bunny ! ( Laughs ) CG : The biggest ones really were around 5000 and they were definitely in the Arndale Centre Woolworths , because you couldn 't physically get 5000 people in the main street of a town or city . In the Arndale Centre all of the stores had glass all the way round them . 5000 people was not that difficult to do there , but it soon fills up and that 's why they had the problem in Barnsley . They said that British Home Stores were worried and Woolworths understood that . The day after that we hit every newspaper in the town - in the country , " PETER WYNGARDE - barred ! " But most of them said " Jason King Sent Off ! " That was amazing ! What we did was I 'd meet PETER at the railway station and drive him down . So we 'd drive down one little hill , then we 'd drive down another little hill , so I could get to where the Arndale Centre delivery area was . I knew where we were going . Then a police car comes - a little mini - with a little police lady . The thing is about these people is that they do know the name , but they always remember the stars by the characters ; that 's how they love them . So this lady gets out of the car , she had a policeman with her as well . She said , " Hello ! How are you Jason ? Eh . . it 's nice to see you . " And he 's wonderful . He says , " Hello . Nice to see you . " She said , " Mr . Gresham sir , I 'm sorry but we can 't let you into Barnsley . " I said , " What do you mean , can 't let me in ? " She said , " I 'm very sorry but there 's a bit of a problem . Where you 're going - The Arndale Centre - there 's about 5000 people at least in there we reckon . All the people around the stores are a bit frightened if the windows were to go in . " That is absolutely true . It would be a disaster ! So I said , " Oh - that 's fine . This isn 't one of my friends on the TV is it ? One of those guys who does all the gags ? " She said , " No , no , no - I promise you we are proper police . " So I said , " Show me your warrant card . " Then PETER whispered , " Carl , will I still get paid ? " I said of course he would , then he said , " Right - let 's bugger off and have lunch ! " ( Laughs ) So we buggered off into the hills and again , you see , we walk in somewhere and they don 't expect to see someone like PETER WYNGARDE there . They know he 's in town , and they 're all going , " It is him … " and the thing is they do it you know as if you 're not there . They 'll say , " That 's PETER WYNGARDE . " " No it 's not , he 's in Woolies . " " That 's PETER WYNGARDE ! " Then they get confused , and they come over to him - particularly the elderly people - and they 'll say , " Hey - do you know who you are ? " ( Laughs ) Or they get confused and they say , " MR . WYNGARDE , do you know , you 've been my fan for years . " ( Laughs ) They get totally tongue - tied . One of the things I used to have as a job , when I left school , I loved music so I became a record department manager . I worked in various places and eventually I became manager of the Co - op . It was the first time they were ever doings records and things , you see . I 'm very proud of all this vinyl stuff - the new releases came in on a Thursday . This was one Thursday , and this guy comes up to me - a very tall guy . He says to me , " Excuse me , can you help me ? " So I say , " Yes , of course . " He asks , " Have you got Dommage , Dommage ? " I say , " I don 't think we have . " He says , " It 's on Decca … " I say , " Dommage Dommage - no we haven 't got it . Can you tell me who it 's by ? " He says , " It 's by a guy called Englebert Humperdinck . " I said , " Oh - who one earth is Englebert Humperdinck ? " He says , " I am ! " ( Laughs ) Now he was working at the Broadway Bar in Bradford , which was a great place , but he hadn 't had massive hits and that was his first record ever . His very , very first … 27 years later I 'm in the Knightsbridge Hotel and there are all these people there . There 's Hughie with me , and there 's PETER WYNGARDE with me . There are all these stars of my lot with me and all of a sudden this tap on the shoulder comes . And it 's Englebert - and he says , " Gresham , did you ever get ' Dommage Dommage ? " Isn 't that a lovely story ? ( Laughs ) CG : Oh no - no , no . Woolworths always paid for that . We did have some things where there were minor threats from what we thought were lunatics & nutters , They would write to people , who would right to someone else and it would get back to us that there might be an incident at this particular venue . So I had this number which I could ring at Woolworths and they would talk to the local police and say , " Can you put a couple of girls or a couple of men on - just to be there just in case ? " Nothing ever happened . If anybody had got near they wouldn 't have got very far but nothing ever actually happened like that . CG : Never did he once get mobbed . Never ever - because there was always an out . We always made sure there was an out . I made sure I had my gang with me in case I needed it . In the end PETER always used to say , " I hope you don 't mind me asking this question but it will be OK won 't it ? " And I used to say , " It will be OK . Just turn up and leave the rest to me ! " ( Laughs ) CG : It did - it all went like clockwork . It came to a point where PETER would say to me , " I 've had somebody ask me about doing a PA . Can you talk to them , because I can 't work without you Carl ? Will you have a word with them ? " So I 'd say , " Of course I will . " Then I 'd ring back and say , " Well they sort of want to do thing their way . " " No , " PETER would say , " We don 't do that Mr . Gresham , do we ? " And I 'd say , " We don 't , Mr . Wyngarde . " ( Laughs ) CG : He did Fine Fare . He did Ladbrokes . He did Mecca - he did lots . That tour of Woolworths - the 12 - would have been a fantastic thing . It was just a tragedy that we lost the last two really . CG : I loved it ! I actually thought he was very suave . He had that thing where he had his cuffs twisted back and that to me was the epitome of suaveness , you know . He 'd always got his cuffs done and in Woolworths the girls would go , " Ooh he 's got his cuffs ! " He didn 't lose that persona even when we were having a drink . He was still nice and quiet and whatever , but once he learnt - and this is the thing - ' The Gresh Way ' - it 's funny is this because I still had this thing they 'd started , ICM , about wanting commission from PETER . I got a call about two weeks later and this voice said , " Carl , " I said , " Hello , " he said , " Roger Moore here . " I said , " Oh hello Roger . " He said , " Carl , I hear you 're using PETER ? " " That 's true , " I said , " He 's from your Agent love , " and I told him the story about Hymie . So Roger said , " Oh don 't worry about him ! " But I said , " The thing is - I 'm not being funny with you but you can 't commit to me to a PA today for a months ahead , because you 'll be doing a film or something . " Then he came out with the most wonderfully stupid comment like , " Can 't you say - will be appearing , Roger Moore , subject to availability ? " I said , " I may as well put Frank Sinatra will be appearing if I do that ! We 've got to have a fair chance that you can do it . " ( Laughs ) CG : As far as popularity there 's little doubt . After Morecambe & Wise the second most popular performer was PETER WYNGARDE - no question . It was always if they couldn 't have Morecambe & Wise could they have PETER WYNGARDE ? ( Laughs ) Hughie Green was also very popular because he was on TV all the time . I mean PETER wasn 't on all the time . I mean there was when he was first getting going , of course . I 'm amazed that they aren 't showing it at the moment - I can 't see it on any of the SKY channels , can you ? AS : No not at the moment - it did have a run a few years ago on Bravo but nowadays it 's mainly DVD . All of the collectors have got it on DVD so we just flip them out any time . Can I ask what your personal favourite memory of PETER is ? Or have I already had it ? CG : You 've had it really , because it was that occasion when we were coming out of Barnsley , when he said , " Will I get paid ? " and I 'd said of course he would and he 'd said , " All right , let 's bugger off and have lunch … ! " ( Laughs ) That epitomises what he was like , you know . Of course he was going to get paid - it wasn 't his fault that they couldn 't let him in . In the end they made more money by not having him there - if he had been there , there could have been a riot , I don 't know . I wouldn 't have thought so but you just don 't know . If windows had have gone in that would have been huge - that would have been serious . CG : Of course the thing is where would they get the sort of publicity that they got the next day in virtually every national newspaper ? Even though it said ' Jason King Barred ! ' or ' Jason King Kicked Out Of Barnsley ! ' , he 's got his cheque - he 's not worried . They were quite happy to pay him . There were never ever any problems like that . It was nice to work with the right people ! CG : Well I hope he 's going to be fine and that everything 's going well . And maybe one day - if we can get my idea for a TV thing from my book off the ground - we 'll get him back where he belongs on the old telly ! I hope it puts a smile on his face when he hears the word ' Greshstyle ' , because that is what it 's all about . AS : How big was your organisation at the peak of all this Carl ? Because you possibly couldn 't - particularly when you 've got days like when have 36 stars going out to different Woolworths - you couldn 't accompany everybody . How did that work . CG : No - that 's correct , I couldn 't . But by the time we got to that 36 tour thing I 'd got the people who wanted to be Gresh 's . Everybody knew what to do - everybody knew how to do it and I had to put my trust in people . I had people in my office who went down to London and did things as well . One of the big problems we get would be that I 'd have PETER WYNGARDE , Hughie Green , Frazer Hines , Violet Carson and Pat Phoenix all doing a gig somewhere in Britain on the same day . Where am I going to go ? I always went with PETER . It wasn 't the pressure - I just loved being in his company , because he was so funny . He really was such a very funny man ! Looking back at those times once it started there was an avalanche . Agents would ring me asking for their clients to be on my list . It was just one of those very strange things where sometimes it just all fits together and it 's just wonderful . CG : Where 's that - Stourbridge ? Yes , because it 's near home you see . The occasion was - I 'm not sure if it 's Stourbridge as I can 't find my diary - we stayed over because we were doing something the following day . I think it was something like opening a new Bingo Club . So I put him into a nice hotel and he 's rest all day because I don 't think ( he never told me anyhow ) that he wasn 't too keen on playing golf . I don 't think he played golf AS : Yes . Well time has caught up with us Carl and I had better let you go back to your business . It 's been wonderful to talk to you - thank you again for sparing the time to chat . It 's been absolutely fascinating ! I suspect - knowing you and speaking to you as I have now - I suspect the book is only the tip of the iceberg . |
As promised , here are the pictures from last night 's anniversary date . I wish there were more , I wish they were from my real camera , but the iPod shots will have to do . They have a certain charm , I guess . So here goes . . . The one really unique feature of the course was that they have a chipping hole ! You put your ball down on a little pedestal and hit it as hard as you can across a grassy area to the hole . It was fun ! This picture does not quite do his size justice . He was HUGE . He had to be at least three feet tall , and his body was so strong . I 'm used to Canadian geese , and this guy was at least twice their size . I would not want to be attacked by this guy . Gorgeous , though . . . and he was grooming like crazy , so apparently it takes a lot of effort to look that good . The sign at Marge 's . It cracks me up that this is right in the middle of an otherwise residential strip of beach houses . I can 't imagine living near here ! It was such a fun night and I 'm so glad we got to do it . Back to reality today . It was an okay day , though the weather spoiled some fun . I put on my bathing suit right when we got back from church , and I was going to do a little sweaty yard work in the 90 degree weather after lunch before jumping in . Well , I did a little work , but then it started raining on and off . The radar kept showing little patches of rain and the sky looked threatening so I held off from going in the pool . I ended up taking a nap ( the whole house did ! ) , and when I got up it officially poured for quite a while . So my suit was on all day and yet . . . no swimming . Bummer . But the kids were generally good aside from their usual shenanigans , so it wasn 't a bad Sunday . Luckily we 're heading into a short week , but I do have to figure out Jacob 's birthday cake so we can take it to my family 's 4th of July picnic on Friday . Did I mention we basically canceled his party at our house because no one could make it and everyone 's schedules weren 't meshing for a reschedule ? So we 're doing a cake at my family picnic , and we 'll figure out something to do with Craig 's side sometime soon , hopefully with having everyone here to swim , as I know time with his cousins on his own turf is something Jacob would love . A bit of a bummer , but I think in the end it 'll turn out fine . At least we 're starting off the week on a good note . . . Eleven years ago right now I was probably wrapping things up at the reception hall after a wonderful wedding day . What a fantastic day that was . Gorgeous weather , my ideal dress , surrounded by friends , and marrying a fantastic guy . At the end of that day I wouldn 't have changed anything . It really went amazingly well . Eleven years later , I 'm probably just as tired as I was that night , but for so many different reasons . Looking back there are a handful of things I might have changed , but to be honest part of that is social media 's fault . There are things I 've seen in the years since that I would possibly do differently now - - different photo poses , maybe a couple tiny details about the reception , and maybe even a slightly different dress . . . though at the time I know that one was the best I saw by far . But it was a truly great day spent with so many special people . I didn 't have a doubt in my mind that I was doing the right thing , and I couldn 't wait to be married . Up until this past year , I feel like we did pretty well with the whole marriage thing . Despite Craig 's busy schedule and Jacob 's entrance into our lives , I felt like we did a pretty good job about getting decent alone time and keeping our marriage strong . Could we have done better ? Maybe , but I think we were doing a better job than a lot of people . And then Carter was born and Jacob 's behavior went down the toilet , and suddenly year 11 turned into a major challenge . Nothing horrible or inherently , imminently destructive , but difficult in that if certain behaviors were allowed to continue for too long , it could lead to trouble . I think it 's probably similar to the early stages of what people who divorce and say , " Well , we just grew apart " might go through . We 've been so busy dividing and conquering ( me with Carter , Craig with Jacob ) that it 's hard to focus on us . We sit down to dinner and spend half of it trying to get the kid to eat like refined humans , and the other half trying to talk but being interrupted by Jacob 's random ramblings or Carter 's screeches . It makes it very hard to put a coherent sentence together . I feel like it takes us ages to make decisions about anything , because we can 't talk about something for more than 30 seconds without being interrupted . And by the time the kids are in bed and we could talk , we 're both exhausted and more likely to spend the evening vegged our in front of our computers and our TV . Sad , I know , but sometimes it feels like the only mental break we get . It 's more of a " lack thereof " thing than a " negative " thing , and I can see where if it drags on for a long period of time , it could be extra problematic . This year has been more challenging in general because up until Jacob 's behavior imploded , we didn 't have much to disagree about . But sometimes we have differing ideas of the best way to manage his behavior , and sometimes we 're so caught up in caring for the other kid that we forget what needs to happen for the other one , and the one who is paying attention may feel a litWe started out the night having dinner at Bar Louie , a new chain restaurant that opened at our mall a while back . With Jacob 's limitations it 's hard to go to restaurants , so we just hadn 't been there . It was a scorching hot day outside ( baseball and pool time earlier nearly wiped us out ) , but by the evening it was a little more pleasant . No chill , for sure ! The big door to the patio was open at the restaurant , which made for a nice atmosphere . We enjoyed a lovely dinner , before running into the mall for a few minutes so I could make a purchase I 'd been thinking about all week and finally got a coupon for ! On my friend 's advice , we headed up to the lake - - though not the part of the lake we 've usually gone to in Greece . This time we headed off to Irondequoit , the next big town over , to go to their lakefront . We went to the oldest mini golf course in the country and played a round . I played terribly , but it was a fun course ( even one whole where you chip ! ) and we had a good time . We then headed up to the strip along the water just past Seabreeze Amusement Park . The strip includes three separate restaurants in a row that specialize in burger / hot dog cuisine . We grabbed some custard and strolled along up to Irondequoit Bay , where we saw a giant white goose . I don 't think I 've ever seen one of those before . We get a lot of Canadian geese around here , but the white goose was a new thing and it was HUGE . We then strolled back and decided to stop for a drink at this little dive bar we haven 't been to in years . Marge 's is this little bar smack in the middle of a row of beach houses . I don 't know how their neighbors stand it , but it 's such a funny little place . Out back there 's a nice deck , and then probably 3 / 4 of the way down the beach to the lake is roped off and full of chairs for people to just sit in the sand and enjoy their drink . We couldn 't snag any chairs , but we just stood in the sand while we drank . The air was warm , the breeze was lovely , and the sky was interesting - - mostly cloudy but with a pinkish glow near thUnfortunately , I forgot to grab my camera before we left , so I just have a handful of iPod photos to remember the date . I 'll have to post them when I have a chance . I would have documented things so much better with my real camera , but I did what I could . It was such a nice night , though , and I 'm so happy we got to do it . It was a good reminder that getting away together is important , and that we can still have fun when we do it . We need to do it more . Our marriage is fine , trust me , but I would like it to be even better than fine . The busyness of life with two kids is a major challenge , and I think we 're up to it , but we need to be intentional about remembering each other . And I think this was a good reminder of that . Happy 11th Anniversary to us . . . and here 's to hoping we never forget to keep exploring ways to recapture the magic of that day and night 11 years ago today . We 're worth it . I 'm still having a hard time believing that Jacob is done with Kindergarten . There was so much anticipation and build - up to it , and I guess once it started we were so preoccupied with surviving it , that suddenly it was over . Somewhere around April I realized that we only had a couple months left and there was life after Kindergarten ( hopefully with a different teacher that might be a better fit ) , and we seemed to coast a bit from there . Suddenly I realized Jacob actually was learning things despite the constant stream of bad feedback each day . He could write and read and do math , just like that . Don 't get me wrong , every day involved holding our breath and praying he didn 't get in serious trouble , and hoping he didn 't have much homework to derail our evening . But slowly but surely we survived . It 's like when I 'm running and that second mile seems so painful . . . but once I 'm through it and realize I only have a little bit left , everything feels so much easier . But it just blows my mind that he 's done with such a monumental year , and I know the rest are going to go just as fast . Before I know it , it will be second grade as he moves to a new school , or fifth grade as he goes to middle school , or eighth grade to high school , and who knows where from there . It 's all going to happen in the blink of an eye . Jacob keeps saying that when Carter is in Kindergarten , he 'll be in fifth grade , and on one hand fifth grade seems so far away , but I know how quickly Kindergarten comes , so it 's really not as far off as it seems . Our niece and nephew , who we vividly remember being born , just turned 12 and are going into seventh grade . I think they 're both taller than me now . I have no idea how that happened . My kids are going to be the same way . It 's nuts . And while I know first grade is only going to get harder , I 'm hoping he gets a teacher that works for him and things can go a little more smoothly . Anyway , we 've settled a bit into our summer routine . Jacob and Carter are now both at the same daycare everyday . Jacob 's happy to be baPosted by Jacob has been six for five days now . Sorry I haven 't gotten around to the recap , but it was a busy weekend . . . as usual . I had to go to bed at 11pm Sunday night because I literally couldn 't stand to be awake anymore . I got a couple decent nights of sleep the previous two nights , so I 'm thinking my body realized how much sleep it was missing out on and got greedy . I ate a lot of ( tasty ) junk at our niece and nephew 's 12th birthday party ( salt & vinegar chips ! tortilla chips ! fruit ! pizza ! TWO cakes ! ) and I think all of it didn 't mix well and I had a very unproductive stomach ache - - it didn 't really do anything except annoy me . And I was super tired , so I went to bed at a reasonable time for a change . Anyway . . . back to the birthday stuff . . . I never realized it six years ago , but having a baby in late June sets you up for a good 13 - 17 years of major change when this time of year comes around . Jacob gets a year older . Then we go from spring to summer the next day . Then the school year ends . Add in our anniversary on Saturday and you have a whole lot of change and milestone action going on in these last couple weeks of June . Jacob 's last day of school was today , and he will be going back to daycare for the summer starting on Wednesday , and he is SO excited . He loves his teacher there , and while I 'm sure the school district 's option might have been cheaper , for the summer I 'd rather go with what he 's comfortable with and hope we have an uneventful , enjoyable summer break . It will be a nice change of pace from the eggshells we 've been walking on at the afterschool program for the last month . Everyone at daycare knows him and loves him , so hopefully he will cooperate and they will have the patience of saints ! I 'm a little bummed that he doesn 't have any sort of graduation ceremony . Based on Facebook feedback it seems that a lot of people don 't see the need for it since it 's full day now , but I still think there 's nothing wrong with congratulating kids for making it through their first full year of real school . It 's nice to make them feel proud of their accomplishment and give the parents a chance to be proud , but I guess we 'll have to wait until second grade when he graduates from his current school . Still , the photo op would have been nice . After all we 've been through , this definitely feels like an accomplishment . We survived ! I can 't quite believe he 's done , but that 's another topic for another day . Jacob 's birthday was pretty low key . He had school , which took up most of the day . We opened gifts in the morning , and went out to dinner that evening . We came home and had some cake . I made up some cupcakes to freeze and keep for other parties when we know the cake won 't be gluten - free , and I made a tiny cake with what didn 't fit in the cupcake pan . He blew out candles on the cake , and ate a cupcake . I feel bad that it wasn 't that exciting , but he did enjoy his gifts and there was a Kindergarten picnic that day ( to which I sent in gluten - free pizza for him ) , so he seemed happy enough ! I worry about his expectations a lot . He has a way of getting something in his head , exactly how he wants it to happen , and when it doesn 't happen it can lead to a major meltdown . Whether it 's what he wanted to wear that day , or what he wants to watch on TV , or what he is getting for his birthday , it 's always a little scary . He gets a lot of big ideas , and sometimes we 'll nip them in the bud right away , and sometimes we 'll just say , " Well , put it on your birthday / Christmas list . . . " He assumes he 'll get it and sometimes we have to do some damage control . This year we didn 't have much of that ( yet - - he 's still got another party to go ) , but we did have to manage the fallout from not having the friend party he wanted . He really wanted a party last year , and it would have been a good time for it as a last hurrah with his daycare friends . However , he got really snippy about the place and with all that ungratefulness we just scrapped the whole thing . This year he brought it up again , and we even had a place in mind for months . Then he started changing his mind , and then time became an issue , and the guest list was a tough one , too . We 're not thrilled with his friends from his class ( most of them , anyway ) , and the daycare friends aren 't easily accessible anymore . We have his baseball team , but we don 't know many of them super well yet , and the party would have been a few hours after a game , so the whole thing just seemed weird . We may still allow him to invite a couple friends to do something later in the summer , but the whole thing is just a little awkward . I 'm hoping that by next year he 'll get a better core of friends and he 'll be a year more mature and things might be easier . We 'll see . I feel bad , but sometimes you can 't force this stuff . Ever see the episode of the Brady Bunch where Peter throws himself a party and no one shows up ? I admit , that was among my concerns . . . that if he doesn 't have any great friends and some kids just find him weird , what if . . . ? I 'm sure someone would have showed up , but I 'm hoping next year it 'll be a little better . Anyway , his party is Sunday . It 's looking like a rather small gathering , but as long as his cousins and grandparents are there , he 'll be happy . He went for a special birthday lunch and shopping trip with Lori after his half day of school today , since she 'll be on her way back from London ( ! ) on Sunday . Still , should be nice to have everyone here . The pool is ready ! I got this hat for him in the same order , because he tried one on in the store and liked it . It was about $ 3 , so I couldn 't pass it up ! I 'm sure he 'll find some use for it ! This is pretty much his usual demeanor these days . . . Ok , I should have tried to make these angles more similar , but we were in a rush . Here 's the first day of school on the left , and the last day on the right . I 've seen some crazy changes in other people 's pictures . Hard to tell , but his face definitely looks thinner . My baby is definitely growing up ! Wow . It has been quite a year . I won 't lie , it 's been the hardest year of my life . You have given us a serious run for our money in the past year , and I think both Daddy 's and my sanity hangs by a thread some days . But to see how much you 've grown and changed in other areas of your life has been amazing , and gives me hope that that side of you will one day win out and we can put all of this craziness behind us . We don 't know why your behavior went way off the deep end last summer . It could have been your brother 's continued presence in our house ( nope , he 's still not going anywhere ) , it could have been the transition into Kindergarten , it could have been the gluten , or maybe it 's just how you 're wired , and for whatever reason some combination of something set it into motion . Ultimately it doesn 't matter what did it ( though , ummm , it might be helpful to know if you do ) , it just matters that we 're stopping at nothing to do what we can to get you through it . You 've seen doctors and counselors and therapists this year , all with the purpose of trying to figure you out . And while that hasn 't necessarily happened , you have pretty much charmed every single one of them along the way . We hear so much about how smart you are , how much they enjoyed hanging out with you , and how impressed they are with something you did - - usually a picture you drew or an elaborate story you told . The refrain at daycare was always , " He drives us nuts , but we love him anyway ! " Sometimes I feel like you 're wise beyond your years , because while I 'm not always sure other kids " get " your sense of humor , adults generally seem to get a kick out of you . Of course , then you fall back to the potty talk and suddenly the charm wears off . Last year at this time you could barely read any words , and while you loved to have people spell words out so you could write them , spelling yourself was pretty rare . A couple weeks ago you knew almost 90 of the nearly 100 sight word flash cards we have , where last fall you only knew a handful . Now you 've read me entire books from your bookshelf with only a couple requests for help on tricky words . You 've written cool journal entries and funny bios about Mommy and Daddy . You seem like you could do math worksheets with your eyes closed , and your drawings can be so detailed and sophisticated . If it wasn 't for that pesky skill of having to sit still and listen , you 'd have Kindergarten completely aced . One thing I 've grown to love about you is your passion . Your interests have always been obvious , but as you 've grown older you make it your mission to go all the way with things . You need to dress the part , learn the skills , and create a perfect setup . While it can be challenging when that desire surfaces at an inconvenient time , we definitely know that there 's a method to your madness and someday these skills will serve you well . In the meantime it 's awesome to watch you learn . Seeing your improvement with baseball and lacrosse this year has been so cool ! You 're also so creative , and I love watching your brain come up with something new . Sometimes the pictures I pull out of your school folder are amazing . The one picture you painted this winter is going to have a very hard time getting replaced in our interchangeable frame photo gallery . It 's gorgeous . I love hearing you make up stories , or do play - by - play like Daddy . There is so much going on in that head of yours . I wish I understood more of it . We know that there 's such an amazing , smart , funny kid in there , and we just wish that all of the other stuff that 's drowning him out would go away . While we love so much about you , we hate that so many of our interactions involve repeating directions or yelling when you ignore us yet again . We dream of what it would be like to have you obey the first time , respond to a question without resorting to potty talk , or have you agree to do something without hitting us in anger first . I know that parents need to love their children unconditionally , and we do , but whenever I hear parents with difficult kids say that they wouldn 't change them for anything , I think it 's crap . Anytime you could improve your child 's existence - - their ability to interact with other people , to feel love , to learn without limitation - - you do what you can to do that . We love you to pieces , but I desperately wish we could get you to see the big picture . We remind you how much more fun we could have if you cooperated , but you just can 't seem to control it . We 're doing what we can to help you learn , but boy , it is not easy . You have moments , though , moments where you can be so sweet , so loving , so charming . . . and when those moments happen , it 's enough to keep me going another day . I just wish there were more . I never dreamed six years ago today that this is where we 'd be now . I thought that by 6 you 'd be our little buddy and we 'd have this parenting thing pretty well down pat before hormones took over in a couple more years and started screwing things up again . But things have continued to be challenging . I mourn the fact that you 've missed out on enjoying these past 16 months with your baby brother . I 'm sad that Kindergarten was such a challenge for all of us . I 'm bummed that I don 't want to hang out with you more because I 'm exhausted from trying to figure out how to handle your challenging moments . I miss that sweet little baby that I hadn 't screwed up yet , the toddler who thought I was the coolest thing ever . I don 't know where things went wrong , but I 'm going to spend as long as it takes to figure it out . I know that , despite the potty talk and hitting that permeates almost every conversation we have , there 's a kid who 's worth it in there . I don 't know where these last six years have gone ( well , aside from begging you to eat dinner , teaching you how to use the potty , and trying to discipline you . . . all in between multiple sports obsessions ) , but it blows my mind to realize that my tiny baby boy who put me through three hours of painful pushing and a crazy week at the hospital is now a full - blown big boy who 's going into first grade . Sometimes it 's hard to believe because you don 't always act your age ( for the love of God please use a fork ! ) , but mostly it 's just shock and awe about how much you 've changed . I don 't know if you 'll ever care enough to read this post , or this entire blog that you inspired , but I hope you do and you realize how loved you 've always been . Regardless of what you think of me as a parent , I hope you know that I 'm just trying to do my best and I 'm only doing all of this because I love you too much to not give it a try . Ok , I feel like I 'm babbling . I 'm exhausted from a busy week and a couple late nights trying to do what I could to give you a good birthday . I need to get some sleep , but I wanted to make sure I gave you a birthday post . Perhaps it 's not as happy - go - lucky as some of the others , but I 'm not about to gloss over the truth . It 's been a rough year , but I hope that six is kinder to us than five . Just know that we love you and want to see you succeed . We may not always know the best way to do that , but be patient with us . . . we 're all just trying to figure things out . We hope you had a wonderful birthday , and we hope that this year is the best yet . We 'll do everything we can to help it happen , but any help you can give us would be great . We 're tired ! I 'm a bit sleepy today thanks to a late night at a concert in Buffalo with my college roommate , so the video post is about as good as it 's going to get today . I spent yesterday at home cleaning my entire house , and never quite getting around to the project I originally wanted to tackle , the giant stack of artwork in the office . Oh , well , the house was gross and needed a serious scrubbing . It 's much better now . Mary came in around 5pm , and we headed out by 6ish to go see her favorite band , NEEDTOBREATHE , in Buffalo . You may recall they were the same band we saw when I was pregnant with Carter , at the same venue , which happens to be a standing room - only kind of place . It 's fine , but man . . . I 'd enjoy concerts so much more if I could sit ! Apparently I 'm getting old . . . but at least I wasn 't pregnant this time . It 's also the same venue as the concert we went to with other college friends to see another favorite band , Five Iron Frenzy , last fall . We had a great time last night , though . The band is awesome live . A little bit of country , a lot of rock , and a little side of blues . Really great stuff . While we were gone , a huge storm blew through Rochester . We had no idea , though we knew something was up when we got off at my exit and my normal right turn at the end of the ramp was totally closed to traffic . We had to go up another exit and make our way back around . We started to see a lot of tree branches as we approached my neighborhood , and things started clicking . Turns out the closed road was due to an exploding transformer that started a fire , took down six poles , and landed on a couple cars . Fortunately , the damage was minimal and everyone was safe , but the road was still closed earlier today . Part of me is sorry we missed it , but based on the number of branches I saw down this morning , part of me is relieved , because I know I would have been terribly nervous . . . and I don 't like getting nervous in front of the kids . At the time it hit , Craig was shuttling them home from Jacob 's practice and off to dinner , so they were out in it for a bit . Crazy stuff . Anyway , on to the videos . I 'm pretty much only including this one in case you wanted to see what a mid - sized arena looks like while celebrating a championship . This was a few minutes after the Knighthawks won , just as the teams were going through handshakes and other postgame stuff . Everyone was still going nuts , and it was lovely to watch . Out on the turf , Carter was pretty reserved and was just trying to figure things out . Here he is , enjoying the confetti all over the turf . I tried to get video of him walking , but he was content to crouch in one spot . Here 's video from the pictures I posted the other day of Carter playing with the packing paper from our Amazon delivery . The second half is priceless and captures him so well : ) And finally , here 's a little taste of him walking . I hope to get a little more before he gets too good at it . These early walking days are so awkward and cute . He 's motoring around pretty good now , but I love watching him be so big and independent ! And while it looks like he just sort of veered into the mulch , I sort of think he did that on purpose , because he loves digging in dirt like that . I think we 're in for it with this one . I think the nail brush I bought to tackle the dirt under Jacob 's nails might get a workout between these two boys ! So . . . yeah , those are the videos . Now it 's time to start focusing on Jacob 's birthday , because I feel totally unprepared . I 'm hoping we have enough gifts to make him feel special ( because , when you 're six , isn 't that what it 's all about ? ) , and looking forward to dinner out on Friday . I 'm sure I 'll have plenty of thoughts on six years of Jacob in the next couple days . Stay tuned . . . Last Tuesday was the fan celebration of the Knighthawks championship . There was a parade from the arena to City Hall for the ( annual - - ha ! ) proclamation , and after an afternoon of golf , the team gathered at a hotel downtown and fans came to enjoy the party . They got pictures with the team and the cup , bought championship merchandise , and had a nice bit of closure on the season . I took the kids down for a bit . Carter was a hit in his Knighthawks jersey ( complete with his last name on the back ! ) and his mini lacrosse stick Jacob played a bit with some kids he knew , including his baseball teammate ( their family has season tickets ) , and Carter got to see his friend Josephine , the daughter of a set of season ticket holders , who was born a couple weeks after him . She outweighs him by about 10 pounds and has about two inches , at least one shoe size , and at least six months in clothing sizes on him ! She 's always been a lot bigger , even since birth ( over nine pounds ! ) , but she looks like a toddler , for Pete 's sake , especially compared to our tiny little peanut ! Over the course of the week Carter really started to walk a lot . One day he just started walking more than crawling ! Even now he 'll still default to crawling when the going gets tough , but he 's doing really well ! Sometime the week before I set off a bit of a debate on Facebook . I asked a question about what people do for their kids who have winter birthdays ( meaning , close to Christmas ) if they find a gift they know they 'd love . I 'm used to having Jacob , whose next major gift - giving holiday is only six months away or less . Usually you can put it off for that long without missing an entire phase . But with Carter , who goes 10 months between his birthday and Christmas , I 'm not sure what to do . Do you buy something and risk spoiling , or do you just let it pass and hope it 's still something they 'd like by then ? I just wanted to see if people had policies for that , or not . Of course there was one side that was all for buying whatever , and another side that knows that kids have too many toys as it is . I fall somewhere between , I guess . It was all spawned by this toy that I 've been eyeing up since right after Carter 's birthday . Since he 's been visiting the big kid room at daycare , he 's loved the shopping cart that they have in there . I 'm pretty sure he could push it around all day . Well , I saw this toy that 's a shopping cart that turns into a mini kitchen . It comes with a few food items and plays music and has interactive modes . If I had a daughter , she 'd already have a kitchen set , but while I know they 're not just a " girl ' toy , I 'm hesitant to do that with a boy . But to have a mini kitchen that 's in a cute other toy I know he 'll like , well , that 's better . And to get it for $ 23 shipped ? Well , sign me up . And , I 'd rather have him using it for these next six months than to have it sit in a box all that time . So , this time I 'll risk spoiling . I 'll have pictures of that another time ( he loves it , by the way - - collecting things in the cart from all over the house ) , but for this moment , he was having a blast with the giant pieSaturday we had a busy day , starting with Jacob 's Little League game bright and early . I spent Carter 's nap tackling our evil evergreens with the electric trimmer that sliced up my finger last year . I focused on keeping two hands on it at all times , and I survived unscathed . The weather was rather cool , which made baseball watching miserable and yard work tolerable . That night we had to go to the Red Wings game for Jacob 's Little League group night . It was our first game of the year . We got to go out for a parade with his teammates . . . And we discovered he 's a fan of the allergy - free pizza at a special concession stand there . Thank goodness . Carter and I shared a bowl of Buffalo chicken mac & cheese ( no blue cheese and light on the hot sauce ) , and he loved it ! Despite how cool it was earlier in the day , it was actually a nice night for a game . A few extra layers than usual , maybe , but nothing crazy . We left during the 7th inning since it was getting late , but it was fun while it lasted . Sunday we headed to Buffalo for Father 's Day . We had lunch with my parents and dinner with Craig 's whole family . Jacob played some baseball at both stops , and Carter just wanted to roam around . I spent a good chunk of the weekend walking with him to make sure he didn 't injure himself . He 's doing a lot of near - faceplants still , but no major injuries yet , knock on wood . We got home rather late ( these long days are deceiving ) , but the kids went down pretty quickly after naps in the car , and we were off and running on another week . I worked today but took tomorrow off . I 'm going to a concert in Buffalo with my college roommate , who 's coming in from Syracuse . I 'm going to spend most of the day cleaning the house , because it needs it and I am mentally spent from dealing with the mess and clutter around here . It will be nice to get some things done ! Jacob 's birthday is coming up Friday but his family party is still a couple weeks away . Still , we have a lot to figure out before Friday ! School is over next week and things have just been generally busy , so life is just sneaking up on us . We 're getting into the throes of the crazy summer schedule , and I have a lot of organizing to do to make sure we cram it all in ! A lot to think about , for sure ! I still owe you a video post . Soon , I swear ! Today marked the last day of school at the place where I spent most of my early life . St . Matthew Lutheran School , where I spent my Kindergarten through eighth grade years , closed its doors today after 57 years . That makes me so incredibly sad . I know in recent years it 's been a far cry from what it once was , but that descent alone was tragic enough . Once upon a time it was probably the biggest Lutheran school in Western New York . Here in Rochester there are maybe a couple , but back then , the Buffalo area had quite a few . We played sports against at least seven other schools in the area , plus two more here in Rochester . Now I think there 's probably about half that . I know the same trend happens with Catholic schools , where they close some to make the others stronger , and I get that . But what kills me here is that the school was once a powerhouse , and now it 's gone . Not only am I a product of the Lutheran school system , but so were all 11 of my cousins on my dad 's side , as well as my parents and most of my aunts and uncles . My grandfather was instrumental in getting the school back up and running after it closed somewhere around the Depression / war era . When I went there , one of my uncles was once the principal , one aunt was the music teacher , another was the librarian and go - to substitute teacher , and yet another was the church and school secretary . My younger cousin Jamie has been a teacher there for the last few years , too . Heck , I myself worked there a few times - - two summers as a janitor , and one winter break as a preschool / Kindergarten aide . I loved most of my teachers ( and generally learned to respect the ones I didn 't ) , got a fantastic education , and made some lifelong friendships ( well , one lifelong friendship ( hi Heather ! ) and a few that Facebook has nurtured in recent years ) . I have more memories than I can count - - events , projects , plays , funny classroom moments , first crushes , field trips , sporting events . . . the list goes on . I know that I wouldn 't be the person I am today without that experience . Some people would probably say that kids that go to religiously - based schools are sheltered , but I 'd venture that at the very least we were somewhat protected until we were old enough to make better decisions . It didn 't work for everyone - - many kids went off on their own paths regardless , and I know a lot plays into that - - but I 'd have to think that even after the worst of decisions , some part of each of those kids ' lives somehow comes back to the experience they had at that school , even if it 's the tiniest bit of guilt for those decisions or the slightest inkling that at some point they should go back to church . Maybe I 'm wrong , but I don 't think you could spend nine years in one place and not have it touch your life in some profound way . But for those of us who totally bought in , it was a godsend . I always found it amazing how in public high school classes of 300 - 400 students , inevitably there were at least a couple of Lutheran school products each year in the top ten . My year , there were three , me included . My cousin put up a Facebook status this morning about the closing as well , and he hit the nail on the head when he referred to it as a family tradition and said that it helped all of us cousins stay close and turn out pretty darn well . Truer words have never been spoken . It 's pretty rare for there to be 13 grandchildren in one family and for none of us to have had more than minor hiccups in life . Life happens sometimes , yes , but I 'd say that for the most part we 've all stayed on the straight and narrow . . . no real scandalous stuff , at least . We always knew in school that if we screwed up , it wouldn 't be long before it made it back to our parents . When your uncle is the principal and your parents are generally friendly with many of your teachers , it 's a given . It was pretty good motivation , for sure . Kids may have thought I was a brown - noser , but when you 're well aware of the consequences , it 's easier to just behave ! All of us cousins did so many things together - - sang in the choir , performed in plays and Christmas programs , played sports , had the same teachers , you name it . We still tell stories and laugh about old teachers and classmates . I can 't quite describe the impact it had on all of us . The two summers I spent as the janitor there were so interesting to me . I spent four hours a day cleaning classrooms from top to bottom - - scrubbing desks , washing walls , stripping and waxing floors ( that part with the main janitor ) - - and reminiscing about my years spent in those same rooms . A handful of my teachers still worked there at the time , and I loved when August arrived and the teachers started trickling back into their rooms . It was fun talking to them as an ( almost ) adult . Some of them were there long enough to teach the children of former students , and I think that is a rare and wonderful thing in this day and age . There was something truly special in that school for so many years , and it 's so sad that it slipped away . In case you 're wondering , at least part of the trigger was discord within the church . At one point half the church sided with the older , conservative pastor who 'd been there over 50 years , and the other half sided with the younger , newer assistant pastor who was trying to shake things up . Quite frankly , I am convinced that guy was Satan incarnate because of how he brought so much animosity into the church in such a short period of time . The other pastor wasn 't innocent in the mess , either , as his resistance to change made the other side fight even harder . What a mess it became . The division led a large portion of the church to leave ( my parents among them ) , and without the large church population to support the school ( both financially and with student population ) , it set the wheels in motion that brought them to this day . Like I said , I know that Christian education in general isn 't what it once was , but I do think that had the church not had such a major blowup , this wouldn 't have happened quite so soon . Given our educational experiences , we both agonized quite a bit last year about what to do with Jacob . Should we spend the money to send him to a private school , or go the safe route and see what public school had to offer first ? There was really only one school we were looking at , but when I called in the early spring to see if they had openings , their Kindergarten was booked . I took that as our sign that Jacob should give public school a shot . Last summer we did hear about a good Catholic school just up the road , but by that point we were pretty much set to give public school a shot . It 's hard to say if it was the right decision . On one hand , public school probably offers more options for him . There are a handful of available teachers in each grade , so if one ended up being a terrible fit , there are other possibilities . The public schools are equipped with counselors and psychologists that were a huge help to Jacob this year . They have a lot of experience with kids from all walks of life , and it 's a good opportunity to expose Jacob to a variety of kids ( which , I , quite honestly , never had ) . I cringe at the thought of spending $ 10 , 000 or more to send Jacob to Catholic high school , so perhaps it 's just better to have him used to public schools now . I don 't mind saving the $ 4 , 000 a year now , either . On the other hand , private schools have a lot of upsides , too . Both that we 'd consider wear uniforms , which would potentially eliminate a major battle each morning . Also , I 'd say that in general , most teachers are going to be more caring . Not that public school teachers don 't care , but the simple fact that Christian school teachers are Christian could indicate an extra motivation to care . I 'm sure there are wonderfully caring public school teachers out there , just as there are really crappy Christian teachers , but you get what I 'm saying , right ? Everyone needs to maintain some sort of Christian demeanor , so I can see there being better odds of having a really sweet , understanding teacher . He 'd learn more about Jesus , too , which would be great . He gets it at Sunday school , and we do our best at home , but I don 't know how much sticks . I 'd like him to have that extra Jesus boost at Christmas and Easter , too , and to start seeing the world from that Christian perspective the rest of the year . He 's really lacking in general respect and empathy , and I feel like the kids he 's with right now aren 't helping matters . The other day he came home and said that his good friend said that his dad is in jail . Now , kids are weird and say a lot of odd stuff , but if that 's really the case . . . well , I can 't say I really want Jacob hanging out with that kid if the apple didn 't fall far from the tree . I worry , though , that a private school might not have the resources to deal with him . They may not have the same support staff like the public schools have , and I worry that he 'll sort of fall off the radar , so to speak , if he 's out of the public system . I don 't know if that 's truly the case , but it scares me nonetheless . We do know a couple kids from baseball that would be in his class at the Catholic school , and I know one of the teachers at the Christian school from college . Also , it 's not helping matters that I 'm annoyed that a ) Jacob 's class hasn 't done any field trips this spring ( which I feel like were the highlight of June when I was a kid ) ; and b ) it doesn 't appear there will be any sort of formal Kindergarten graduation ( which is a major contrast to my experience , where we did a full performance of " The Ugly Duckling " at our ceremony ) . I don 't know , I just feel like there might be a different attitude at a Christian school , and it might rub off on him in a positive way . But , it 's a major investment , particularly when you consider we 've got Carter coming up in the next few years , too . Could it be worth the money ? Absolutely . But what if we make this major change and it 's not a good fit ? How disruptive would it be to switch him again , particularly as he gets older ? It 's probably a good thing we didn 't end up living in Buffalo , because I probably would have wanted to send him to St . Matthew , and now we 'd be in this terrible situation . As much as things were different , it still would have been familiar , and that would have been a tough feeling to ignore . I don 't have a solid connection to either of the schools here , so it 's a little harder to jump right in . But I know the value of Christian education , and I 'm thankful my parents encouraged it . Craig enjoyed his Catholic education , as well , so it seems like it should be a no - brainer for us . But Jacob isn 't your average kid , and there 's a lot to consider as a result . We don 't have a lot of time at this point , but it 's crossed my mind a lot lately . . . and even more so today once this news came across my Facebook feed . It was a sad day for Christian education in Western New York , and I pray that someday the church will right itself and the school will once again share the love of Christ with generations of children . A couple weeks ago I was finally able to articulate in my head a very important element of my personality . I realized I like progress . Not necessarily change , but progress . I know , I know . . . who doesn 't ? But I really think that progress is a major element to preserving my happiness . For example . . . I hate getting bogged down in one single project at work because it means I can 't be checking other smaller projects off my list . I have frequently gotten off the highway in the midst of a major traffic jam , because even if it ends up taking the same amount of time as sitting in traffic , moving along from street to street makes me less crazy . I get annoyed when I pass by construction projects that seem to stall out . For example , around a hotel near us , they recently demolished a house and an old office building to reconfigure the hotel 's parking and add some retail space . I knew it was coming based on reading the town 's planning board minutes ( I 'm nosy ) , but initially it took a while to get it going . Once it did I was excited because it removed two eyesores . . . but now I 'm annoyed because while the parking lot construction is moving forward , there 's an empty hole in the ground where the office building was and nothing is happening . When I 'm waiting for a delivery , I get annoyed if the tracking doesn 't update at least once a day . I love checking off to do lists , flipping up the calendar , and finishing up an event that 's been on said calendar for a while . I 've mentioned here before that when things in my life seem a little out of control , I find myself doing a lot of little things to try to control what I can . I think that all plays into this too . . . that if I 'm not seeing progress in other areas of my life , I try to make progress happen where I can . I think this is partly why Jacob 's issues drive me absolutely batty . When we were hoping that the gluten was his issue , I kept hoping that even though the progress was slow , we were getting somewhere . Then we were setting up appointments with people who might be able to help him . It took a while to navigate that setup , but we did and it felt good to " get somewhere " . But now here we are , having gone through all of that , and it feels like most of the time we 're right back where we started from . He 's not having the meltdowns like he once did , but the behavior is terrible - - disAnother issue where this comes into play is the loss of my sense of smell and taste . It 's been four years since I really noticed it was an issue , and while I don 't think it 's gone forever ( I have brief nanosecond moments where I 'm pretty sure I just tasted something because I 'd never remember that in - depth how it tasted ) , but I haven 't found the magic bullet to fix it either . I tried a couple years ago by going to an ENT . They gave me steroids and a nasal spray to ease up the swelling in my nasal passages , but it didn 't seem to make a difference . I could get allergy shots , but when I was planning on getting pregnant it didn 't make much sense to spend a year on a maintenance dose ( since they can 't change anything if there 's a risk of anaphylaxis ) . Lately I 've been using castor oil in my nasal passages , as I read that it can decrease swelling , and I figure that maybe doing it longer term than what I did with the steroids might give the tissues more time to heal , if that 's what 's needed . If that doesn 't work I can try chiropractic work , acupuncture , Chinese medicine , allergy shots , or at worst , going to a clinic that specializes in the problem in Washington , D . C . But as long as I 'm trying something , it frustrates me a lot less than when I 'm just sort of stuck . On a lighter note , I see it with Carter , too . We 're at a very interesting point with him right now . He 's right at the cusp of walking and talking . I 'm pretty sure he started taking steps a bit before Jacob did , so I assumed he 'd walk earlier . Instead , we 've just had a longer period of time where he could take steps , but generally wouldn 't without prodding . We finally seem to be getting over the hump a bit , as this weekend he took off a couple times on his own and can make it longer distances without dropping down . But that interim was getting frustrating . He 'd make progress and then it wouldn 't go anywhere . Talking has been much the same . He started out with " ball " and " no " ( complete with wagging finger ) pretty good , and he 's added in " Night - Night " and " Bye - Bye " . He can say " Mama " and " Dada " , though not too often is is really directed at us . But it seems like we 're back at a standstill now . I think he might be trying to say " dog " , which would be cute , but I think my frustration here resides in the fact I 've been trying to teach him - - both in words and signs - - " more " and " all done " so mealtimes are easier for all of us , but it still hasn 't taken . He 's at the age where he knows what he wants but is unable to communicate it , so he takes to screaming or mini - tantrums . This is all manageable , though , and watching him learn new things is so much fun that I think I 'm impatient because I just want more ! He 's just beyond cute these days . I love watching him toddle around like a mini - Frankenstein ( arms out , one lumbering step at a time ) , and I love the look on his face when he realizes how far he just walked on his own . It 's great now that he seems to understand some of what we 're saying . He always wants to go outside or walk through the house with his walking toy , and he always wants to be where his brother is . . . to his detriment , I 'm afraid . Still no progress there , either , by the way . Jacob 's gotten a lot braver and is unafraid to ( somewhat gently ) bodyslam Carter when he 's got the faintest inkling Carter might infringe onBut yeah . . . progress . I just like to keep things moving . I like to keep improving , keep refining , keep moving . I don 't always have the time or energy or brainpower to keep doing it in all parts of my life , but I do what I can . It 's all I can do to keep my sanity some days . I want things to be better , to be more efficient , more comfortable , and more convenient . I don 't particularly love change , but if we can constantly be in the process of moving toward a positive one , I 'm all for it . In fact , I need it . Let 's hope it keeps coming . One of the best parts of the Knighthawks winning the championship last Saturday was that the lacrosse season was OVER ! It 's a long season to have Craig gone pretty much every weekend . He starts going to practices in Canada in November , and now that the league added two regular season games and two more weeks of playoffs , it goes all the way through the end of May . That 's more than half the year . Within that time there 's maybe two or three weekends off , and maybe a third of the Sundays off after home games , but it 's not a lot of time . I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to accomplish things on the weekend with two kids . It 's a challenge , for sure . So this weekend marked the first weekend of the off - season . We grilled for dinner on Friday ( complete with watermelon for dessert ) and stayed in so we were ready for a busy day on Saturday . I did buy a rather large HDTV for our living room online that night . I 'd been eyeing one up and noticed that Target had a better sale online than they 'd had in the store for a while . With the sale , plus 5 % off with the RedCard , plus 2 % cash back through a shopping site , it was a great deal . So , our living room will finally be in the 21st century . . . once I get an HD cable box , anyway ! We were up bright and early for Jacob 's baseball game at 9 : 30am . It 's pretty hard keeping Carter content for six innings , but that time seems to work better than the noon or 6pm games . When we got him home I put him right down for a nap because I wanted him to sleep before we had to leave for Jacob 's 2pm lacrosse game . The rest of us had lunch , but by the time it was time to leave , Carter showed no signs of waking up , so the boys left and we would meet them there if we could . There 's just no sense taking a cranky Carter to the game if he 's going to be miserable , because I won 't be able to watch the game in either case . . . so I might as well let him sleep . And he did ! During his 3 - 1 / 2 hour nap , I did a bunch of work outside , planting a couple of my parents ' leftover tomato plants and doing a lot of trimming around our patio . I still have so much work to do , including getting over my fear of picking up the electric hedge trimmer again after my incident last summer . Carter had just woken up and started to eat his late lunch when the boys got home . We all got cleaned up and headed out for a dinner out to Jacob 's favorite place , Pizzeria Uno , where he can get his favorite gluten - free pizza . We had a pleasant dinner and stopped for a take - home treat from Dairy Queen ( Dilly Bars that we kept for today ) . This morning we went to church ( and made it there early for the first time in ages ! ) and made a couple quick stops on the way home . We had a simple lunch thAt that point I had to go out and pick up the new TV at Target , and left a crying Carter in my wake . I needed to fold down the backseat in order to fit it in , so the rest of the family had to stay home . The pickup went pretty smoothly , and we had a pleasant dinner with our dinner leftovers from last night . Once the kids were in bed , I took to setting up the TV , only to realize that we need an HD cable box to get everything fully up and running . . . but that means losing our current DVR , which has quite a few things saved on it . So , we need to work through those as soon as we can ! But at least things are functioning right now . Now I just need to figure out what to do with the giant hole in our entertainment center that no longer fits our TV . . . at least until I find a new one that I really like and feel like paying for it ! I forgot to mention that Craig spent a good chunk of his weekend trying to get our pool open . It needs a couple inches of water , stair installation , and some proper chemicals beyond the gallon of chlorine he dumped in to clear up the green once the cover was off , but it 'll be a nice warm week so hopefully we can get it functional before next weekend . So , I guess it 's been a productive weekend . It 's amazing how things change with two parents in the house ! It would be easier if Carter didn 't freak out every time I left his sight , but we 'll get there . It 's nice to have him back , no doubt ! Jacob got to play catcher in his baseball game a couple weeks ago . He was loving it ! I snapped this picture of Carter at the funeral home while I was trying to keep him occupied near the end of our first day there . Did you know it 's a state law that you can 't have food or beverages in funeral homes ? Neither did I , but I bent the rules for dry cereal . I think water would be the exemption , since there 's a drinking fountain there . . . so the sippy cup is legal : ) And now for the pink portion of the post , per the title . As I mentioned , Craig 's Nana 's favorite color was pink . We all tried to wear pink for the funeral , and pretty much all of the flowers were pink . You know me , I can 't resist a good flower . So , perhaps it was tacky , or perhaps it 's just a nice way to remember Nana , but here are the photos I took . . . When we got home from the funeral , the pink gerber daisy that I won at Craig 's cousin 's baby shower was exploding with blossoms . It had only had a couple since I got it in March , and finally it had a bunch all at once . This was the best one . . . Also , as is often custom , we all got to pull a flower from the arrangement on top of the casket , and I pulled this pink rose . I purposely pulled one that wasn 't in full bloom , as I wanted it to last a while . I took this picture last week , but it 's still looking beautiful . It didn 't really open up any further , but it has stayed nice and fresh . I took a similar picture ( same spot , same vase ) with a pink gerber daisy ( a little lighter than the one above ) that I pulled from the arrangement on my grandma 's casket almost three years ago . Seemed fitting . So , I know it 's not much , but it 's something . I have some videos I need to upload as well , so now I owe you a video post . Other than that , not much to report . We 're all still pretty tired from the weekend but trying to get back in the groove . Both boys napped around 6pm yesterday . . . Jacob on the way to lacrosse practice ( he never did wake up for practice and Craig drove him home ) and Carter on the way home from daycare . Hopefully one of these days we 'll be back on track . Jacob only has a few weeks left of school , and his birthday is coming before that . . . and I have nothing planned . We did chat about his cake yesterday morning and since I refused to do basically the same cake as last year , it looks like we 'll be working on a hockey rink cake . I pinned all sorts of ideas on Pinterest , and I think it 's doable . He wants a friend party but keeps changing the venue . With his sports and his cousins ' sports , other birthdays , the 4th of July , and so many other events , it 's always a challenge to plan the family party , let alone two parties . I also haven 't thought much about presents . . . so yeah , I need to get on that . Carter is still undecided about the walking , but I catch him doing unprovoked walking a lot more these days . It 's almost like , if he 's up , it 's easier to just walk . If he 's down , he 'll still crawl . He also gives up pretty quickly sometimes , but I know he 'll get there . He 's on the same timeline Jacob was , apparently , so I know he 's close . Figures THAT would be one of the few traits they share . I guess that 's about it for now . . . . more soon ! Posted by When I worked in sports ( an era that started more than 14 years ago ) , I would have given almost anything to win a championship . Growing up in Buffalo , championships were pretty hard to come by . Back in 1992 and 1993 , I watched the Buffalo Bandits ( ironically now our biggest rival ) win Major Indoor Lacrosse League championships , and that was a big deal . Everyone knows about the Bills ' Super Bowl losses and the Sabres ' lack of official success over their 40 - some years , so even those two championships seemed like a pretty big deal at the time . But working in sports brings on an even more urgent need to win . You can be a huge fan , but it 's quite different to have that team infiltrate your entire life . Losing doesn 't just bum you out , it ruins your day at work , too . Everyone 's in a crappy mood , customers complain more , and it 's generally harder to do your job when your team isn 't winning . In addition , you get to know the players and take it a little more personally when they are people you actually know and they are having a tough time at their job . You want to see them win . Case in point , as much as I 've always been a Sabres fan , I cheered like crazy for them about eight years ago when all of the guys that were on the Amerks when I worked there had moved up . These days I don 't know any of them anymore and it 's a little harder to get too worked up about it . But when it was guys I knew ? I really wanted them to win . As you may recall , back in 2007 I traveled to Phoenix , AZ , to watch the Knighthawks in the championship game . Look here and scroll down a bit to see a sampling of photos from that amazing weekend . I did it on a whim because I couldn 't bear to miss the moment when that group of guys finally put it all together . It was the same core of guys from when I was there , and the staff was all friends of mine , so I really wanted to be there see them win . And I did . I still consider it the best weekend of my life . My wedding and my kids ' births were great , but the adventure and excitement of that weekend were unbelievable . Sharing it with Craig made it extra special , knowing how hard he works all the time . The following year Jacob was born , and Craig actually won another championship , this time with the Rattlers , the outdoor lacrosse team . While it was a great accomplishment , that one didn 't even compare to the Knighthawks ' win , for a lot of reasons . On my end , I couldn 't even go because I was home with a two - month - old Jacob . It was still great for Craig . . . but for the purposes of this post , we 'll stick to focusing on the Knighthawks ' wins as those were the ones that held the most significance for both of us . In 2012 , the Knighthawks finally got to host a championship game . The 2007 game was supposed to be a home game but got moved due to the circus being in town . So , the 2012 game held special significance because the home fans finally got to share in the fun . Go here to see the highlights from that day . That experience was surreal , as I thought we might never have a championship experience again , and it was fun to share it with Jacob , who was a month shy of his fourth birthday . Last year , as you might remember , I decided ( again ) at the last minute to hop on a plane for the Knighthawks championship game . It was in Langley , British Columbia , and I had to fly into Seattle and drive north a few hours . I added in my special side trip to Tacoma to see some of Dale Chihuly 's best work , just in case the game didn 't go well , and while the trip was generally exhausting , it turned into a fun little adventure . The recap of the game is here , and you can click on the " Older Post " link from there to see the other fun parts of that trip . Fast - forward to this year . . . and the Knighthawks had a pretty good season . Still , it seemed the deck was stacked against them because the league changed the playoff format . Instead of one game per round , the final two rounds of the playoffs each consisted of two games - - one in each team 's city . If each team won one game , there would be a 10 minute mini - game to decide the winner . In both rounds , the Knighthawks lost the first game , meaning that in order to win the series they had to win both the second game and the mini - game . Lacrosse is such a game of momentum and runs , so that mini - game was such a wild card . In the previous round , they also needed sudden death overtime to officially win the mini - game , which was so intense ! The championship proved to be quite scary , because Calgary had knocked off the best team in the league in the previous round and then won game one against the Knighthawks pretty handily . As I had mentioned in my previous post , Saturday was a crazy day . Jacob had baseball at 9 : 30 . Craig took him there and met up with my parents , who took over once Craig had to go to work . In the meantime , I took Carter to the Stroll for Strong , to walk with my friend whose son is now in full remission from leukemia . That walk turned into a bit of a debacle , as most of the team cut out ( the guest of honor apparently didn 't like the noise or crowds ) , and the woman I ended up walking with fell in the middle of the course and sprained her ankle . By the time we got back to where the team had been hanging out , everyone had dispersed , my friend was leaving with two melting down kids , and Carter and I just sort of wandered around for a while to find food . Eventually we just headed home and Carter was out like a light a few minutes into the drive . Back home he napped and I cleaned up the house a bit until my parents and Jacob arrived home after lunch and geocaching . After a little time to chat , Carter woke up and we all headed outside . My mom took Carter for a walk and my dad and I ( with help from Jacob ) did some serious yard work . I have some lovely sunburn to prove it . We ordered in for dinner and then headed off to the game . The game was a back and forth affair . Calgary jumped out to an early lead , Rochester came back to tie it . The Knighthawks went up by one , but Calgary stormed back with three straight . Rochester came back to tie it and was up by one at the half . At one point Rochester sprinted to a 10 - 6 lead , but then Calgary pulled to within one . Luckily , that was as close as they ever got , and the final of game two was 16 - 10 . With a big win under their belt , it was time for the really important part - - the deciding 10 minute mini - game . Ten minutes is so scary because anything can happen . If you go cold for too long , you 're done . The nerves really jacked up at that point , but the arena was crazy . Things quieted down really fast as Calgary jumped out to a 2 - 0 lead in the first five minutes . I 'll be honest , I thought weCalgary held their lead for three minutes before the Knighthawks cut the deficit in half . It was a little glimmer of hope , but with only a little over two minutes left , it was still a mountain to climb . But then 51 seconds later , the Knighthawks scored to tie it . The arena was exploding by that point and with only 1 : 23 left , anything could happen . And 24 seconds later , the improbable happened . . . the Knighthawks scored . It was absolutely crazy . It was a very nerve - wracking 59 seconds to finish off the game and the Knighthawks ' goalie had to make some amazing saves at the end . But they did it . They won . Unreal . We got to go down on the field at the end , and while it 's always chaos , the raw emotion is such fun to watch . Of course , they ended up rerouting us down through the concourse , so we missed a giant confetti cannon go off . Bummer . I saw Craig pretty quickly once we were actually down there , and snapped as many pictures as I could . I don 't know if I was still shaky or if my camera settings were off , but most of them ended up blurry . Blurry , but that 's the goalie raising the cup : ) I ran into his mom on the way down to the field , and was so happy to congratulate her . We 've sat together a couple times and we chatted a bit last year on the championship trip . She was a young widow and she 's always there alone , but you can tell how immensely proud she is of her boy . . . and missing his dad , no doubt . The funniest part of this game was that Jacob finally came around . He 's cheered against the Knighthawks all season long , but admitted he wanted them to win the last playoff game against Buffalo , mostly because a win meant he might have a chance at playing on the turf at some point . But for this game , he really got into it . He was cheering and even shouting at the team ! It was miraculous , quite frankly , for a kid who has always just sat there entranced . He looks pretty happy with the outcome here ! . . . And Carter just liked picking it up and throwing it . He was so stinkin ' cute . He 's just starting to walk independently once in a while , and I loved seeing him walk on the turf , bend to pick up pieces , and throw them . I tried to catch the team photo , but it 's hard with so many people on the turf . When we won in Arizona , there were only a handful of us , and I got a photo good enough to be used in a couple places before the official one came through . Nowadays , with dozens of the owner 's family members out there , it 's a challenge to get anything without a dozen phones or cameras in your shot . . . While we waited to see what else was happening , Carter just plopped down and starting playing with confetti again . It works perfectly for him , since he 's into picking up and throwing anything right now - - grass clippings , rocks , etc . Confetti was perfect ! My parents took one for the team and decided to stay overnight since it was already very late and it would give me a chance to go to the postgame celebration with Craig . We got both kids home and in bed around midnight ( I know , I know - - but it 's one time and I was far from the only one ! ) , and my mom dropped me off at the hotel ( luckily right down the road ) where I met up with Craig . There was a nice party room set up . I had a little champagne , chatted with various team members and staff , and we headed out of there around 2am to head back into the city to the unofficial team bar , where the fans were patiently waiting for the team and the Cup to arrive . Eventually it did , and as usual we enjoyed watching our fan friends drink out of it . We didn 't do it this time , but hopefully we 'll have our chance as a family , as Craig usually has to bring the Cup home with him once in a while after appearances . The one funny moment of that stop was when I was chatting with few people , including a woman that I remember from my days with the Amerks . Speaking of questionable parenting , she was always out at the bar with her very young son at all hours after games and at events . We all just sort of shook our heads at the time . Without thinking I mentioned how bad I felt about the kids being out late , and she poo - pooed it , mentioning how often she did it . She gestured across the table to a young man ( about 20 ) who was sitting there , and it took me a second to realize that was her son , all grown up . I remember him in the 6 - 8ish range , and now he 's 20 ! Wow . I am old . We got home a little after 4am and didn 't get to sleep until around 5 , just as it was starting to get light . The kids slept until 9am , but yesterday was a very sleepy , very cranky day all around . But was it worth it ? You bet . So . . . I 've now witnessed four Knighthawks championships in person . Something that I thought was a once in a lifetime event has now happened four times . Each one has been unique in its own way , from the venue to the game to the postgame celebrations . Once you win one championship , you always want to win more , but I 'd say that the urgency decreases a bit . You will always have that amazing experience , you 've been there and you know what it 's like . I know how that joy feels , and I certainly want to keep experiencing it , but even if it doesn 't happen again , at least I know and I 've had these four chances to experience it . I never could have imagined it . What an amazing experience . |
Izzy went into her walk in freezer after school to get pizza . When she grabbed the box , the door shut . After a half hour of being stuck int he freezer , she froze , turned into Elsa and go hypothermia . She wanted to know if she would live , but she couldn 't get out of the freezer to get the thermometer . She relized she still had on her backpack with her lunch box in it . Which had her thermos from lunch , everything in it was frozen . When i 'm older I want to become a pediatric radiation nurse , become a mom , continue my dance career and travel . I have always wanted to be a nurse . And I really want to work with kids , so I decided that I want to be a pediatric nurse . I want to travel a lot when i 'm older . Go to and island , or just road trip . I want to be a mom sometime in my life when i 'm older . On one winter day about a year ago , a girl named Jade Brooks got herself into a lot of trouble and it caused her a lot . She regrets her decisions to this day and wish that she could go back in time to change them . But they were all way too serious to change or take back . She never thought that what she did would be as bad as they were . Jade 's parents were her best friends throughout her life so far , but has what she did , destroyed that ? It all started when Jade met this guy online . His name was Adam . They started talking and everyday they got closer and closer . They messaged all day and everyday . They gave each other personal information , like , Jade told him where she lived about her life and her parents and she told him a lot about what she did during the day and where she went to school . She gave him a lot of information . She felt very comfortable telling him things and talking to him . Even though they have never met . One day when she got home from school , Jade went on her computer . When she logged on she saw that she had a message from him . It said , Hey Jade , Maybe you would want to go out tonight ? We could meet . I 'll take you out to get coffee and we can just talk . She knew that that wasn 't a good idea . To go out at night , without her parents even knowing who he was , and going in his car ? She didn 't want to . She answered him saying , Come on , After your parents go to bed , i 'll be outside , you can sneak out , we will be back in like an hour . Jade gave in , just because she knew that if she didn 't go , she would regret it for the rest of my life . She didn 't think that it wouldn 't be that bad , or that her parents would catch her . By 9 : 30 her parents were in bed . She got lucky , they got tired early that day . When they went to bed her nerves then started to build up . She started getting scared . She went to her room , got her computer , and came back down stairs so she wouldn 't wake her parents . She messaged Adam . Hey , you can come at 10 , just so I know that my parents are asleep . 119 fowler ave It was 10 : 03 and she heard his car pull up . She opened the window - - not the door . She climbed out , and she ran . She opened the passenger 's side door and hopped in . They started talking , the only words that happened to be said were : " Hello " by both of them . They only said a couple words . He was wearing a black hoodie and dark jeans . He had a black hat next to him . She wasn 't thinking too much about all the dark mysterious clothing . It was just cold . But there might have been a very compelling reason later that night . When they were about half way there . Adam pulls out his phone and pulled up there text messages . He took a deep breath and whispered something to himself . It wasn 't very clear to us about what he might have said . But it went along the lines of something like , it 's the last one , or something like that . He told her … after pulling out his phone , that they had some pretty good conversations . He he was facing her . All of a sudden , the car swerves slightly to the left , but he looked up and turned the wheel to the right so the car went straight again . " Whoops , " he chuckled . She laughed back looking a bit frightened . He then after a couple seconds looked back at her . They go over a bump - - the car takes a sharp turn to the left and slightly off the road . She sees another car coming towards them - and the car tips . They start screaming … and silence is what it sounded like after approximately 5 seconds . The car hits the other car , the bumpers collide and the car lands on its side . Jade screeches but nothing comes from Adam . She started to call his name . But nothing responded . He was laying in the car on the ground . Jade was on the right so her side went up , not down . she tried to unbuckle her seat belt to get out but her leg hurt so bad , that there was no way for her to put any sort of pressure on it , to climb out . She waited . All she could see through the shattered windows were red and blue lights that were way too bright . You know when you stare at something and the lights get all blurry and bright . Well that 's what everything looked like to her . She heard sirens . Some guys came over on her side of the door and broke it off . They cut off her seat belt , and pulled her out , and put her right onto the stretcher and into the ambRiRiRiRi Two years ago , I was sitting in the chair closest to the corner with my mom . Away from all the people in waiting room , at the doctor 's office . I was waiting to go back for my chemo . And there was a girl talking to the doctor . She had a plain purple hat and she put a pink ribbon on it . I was guessing that she was just like me . There was finally someone who was going through what I was going through . She smiled at me and sat in the empty chair that was next to mine . " Hey , I 'm Ellie , what 's your name ? " She happily asked me as if we weren 't going back for chemo , and as if we were normal , and nothing was wrong with us . She was sucking on a cough drop . Her voice was kind of skratchy . How could she be that happy though ? But I answered her anyway . " I 'm Paige " I answered quietly . I mean nothing was different than usual . Once a week I was here , sitting in the same chair , waiting for the same thing . Why not make a friend , who wouldn 't judge me or feel weird having me as a friend . Or getting frustrated with me because I can 't walk up and down their steps to their bedroom . Because she couldn 't either . Whats wrong with you ? Why are you here ? Do you have cancer too ? I asked her , trying to be just as enthusiastic as she was . She cleared her throat . " I have stage two throat cancer . Im almost done with treatments . How bout you ? " I told her that I had stage four lung cancer . I wasn 't going to be perfectly healthy any time soon , but I still had a while . After a half hour of other patients getting called back , and me and Ellie talking and exchanging numbers , we became good friends , and it was time for me to go back for chemo . And that 's how I met my best friend . My mom woke me up the same time as usual to start the day . I wanted to sleep just a little bit longer but If I wanted to beat my disease I needed to work , and learn . As I slowly opened my eyes I sat up and looked at my favorite picture on the wall . The one Ellie and I picked out . It was a picture of the Eiffel Tower , the thing that motivated me every morning and where we wanted to go the most . I went down stairs to get ready to get homeschooled . I wished that I could go back to my old school , with all my friends , the one I went to before I got lung cancer . But I knew I just wasn 't ready yet . My mom helped me down the steps , when I got the the bottom I was nearly out of breath and needed to sit down . My lungs got weaker every time I took a few steps . But I wasn 't giving up . " Paige , do you want breakfast before we start working ? " I wasn 't that hungry , or maybe I was , and I was just depressed . It was a side affect from my meds . " No , i 'm fine " I didn 't answer . I got out my math stuff and started working on my work for the day . After I finished , I went right back up stairs and texted Ellie to come over . When she got here we were talking about how I still had my picture that we picked out on my wall . We have always wanted to go to Paris to see the Eiffel tower . It has always been our dream . To cross the bridge at night and see the golden tower . Every day I look at that tower and wish that one day I will be there . The next day I decided I was going to eat breakfast . I took down my favorite box of cereal that was on top of the fridge . " Oh good , you 're eating today , how does it feel ? " my mom cheered as she wandered down the steps . I noticed that as she got towards the bottom , I saw a little present through the railing . It was a little , rectangular box , wrapped in wrapping paper , with a note . " What 's that mom ? " I asked her . As she answered me and estately mumbled something about tickets , and a surprise . I didn 't understand what she was talking about . She handed me the box . I was so surprised . I didn 't know why she was giving me a gift , but I opened it anyways . Dear Paige , I know you are going through a lot and it is really difficult having lung cancer . And I know you are fighting your hardest to get through it , and it 's not always easy . So , I just wanted to give you something , that I think you will love , and motivate you a little bit more . Love , Mom I took off the bow and ripped off the wrapping paper . I opened the brown box and there were three plane tickets . My face turned red , I was smiling from cheek to cheek . " OH MY GOD ! THANk YOU ! I LOVE YOU " I screamed excitedly towards her . Plane tickets to Paris ! I can 't wait . My mom told me that I could bring Ellie , since this was our idea , and our dream trip together . I ran over to the phone and told Ellie to come over , so that I could surprise her . When Ellie got here , I grabbed her arm and pulled her in the door . I sprinted to the living room and grabbed the brown box of the coffee table . " Look ! Look what my mom got us ! " Ellie was so surprised she jumped up and down screaming in joy . Her eyes got watery and she hugged me tight . " Oh my god , so when are we going ? " The plan ticket said : Boarding flight 12B 10 : 00 am June , 30 . That was in a month , after school was over , and it was summer break . After Ellie left I went to bed . I woke up that morning at 4 : 00 screaming , panting , and sweating . All I could remember was me rolling around in bed yelling for my mom the loudest I could with the very little breaths that I had . My mom came running up the steps and grabs my inhaler and air tank as my dad picks me up rushing to the hospital . My mom was balling her eyes out and all I was thinking about was , what would happen next ? " Would I live or die in my dad 's arms ? " I thought about this the whole time my dad ran through the hospital doors . My dad ran up to the girl at the front desk , " We need help , she can 't breath ! " The lady at the front desk in the lobby paged the lady who worked at the desk on the floor with all the doctors , nurses and patients . Doctors came running down the elevator with a gurney and 3 nurses . My dad put me on the bed and kissed my forehead . They wheeled me into the emergency room . I didn 't remember anything after that , but I do remember waking up in the hospital and Ellie was sitting right next to me . Next thing I know it was three weeks before our trip . Later that day , I had a doctor 's appointment . I had to get X - rays on my lungs and do breathing test . After I was finished " dieing " I sat on the chair waiting for my results . I was sitting on the edge of the chair , swinging my legs , with my hands intertwined on my lap . The doctor came back in with papers in his hands . " Looks like the cancer has spread , your lungs did fill up with fluid and that was the cause of your attack that night . There is no way to stop this , It looks like she only has about one more year left . Keep fighting kid . " He said to me . I was devastated . I didn 't know what to do or say . Why shouldn 't I just die now ? Why would I want to live for a year knowing that I could die ? It was going to be a long year . I gave Ellie the three tickets . I told her that she could go and that she should be able to go to paris . I didn 't want my sickness , to take away from her trip , that she has always been wanting to do . She didn 't want to but I talked her into it . We made this plan that when she saw something amazing , she would skype me , so I could be there with her . A couple days later , it was the day of Ellie 's flight . She skyped me right before she got on the plane to say bye and that she wish I was going . Her mom and her were going and she brought the other ticket , to say that I was with her and that nothing would get in the way of our dream and friendship , no matter what was wrong with me . When she arrived at her hotel in Paris she Skyped me and showed me around . I was amazed . It was beautiful . I wish I w " I wish I could see that " I quietly said to myself . But if it wasn 't me , I 'm glad it 's Ellie who gets to have the experience . Today was the day that I get to skype Ellie and see the Eiffel tower . I was just as excited as I would be if I was there is Paris with Ellie ……… Almost . I heard my phone ring later that day . I ran over to my dresser as fast as I could , already out of breath . I picked it up . It was Ellie ! I answered the phone , sighed and starting talking . " Oh my god ! " Ellie was standing right in front of the tower . I couldn 't believe my eyes . It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen . I finally felt like I had the life back in me . And that I wouldn 't stop fighting . A year later Paige was laying in the hospital when she passed away at 7 : 28 pm . I was sitting next to her holding her hand . Shes my best friend , and always will be . The one who fought the hardest every step of the way . I thought . Tears running down my face . That 's my best friend . Posted by Two years ago , I was sitting in the chair closest to the corner with my mom , away from all the people in waiting room at the doctor 's office . I was waiting to go back for my chemo . And there was a girl talking to the doctor . She had a plain purple hat and she put a pink ribbon pin on it . I was guessing that she was just like me . There was finally someone who was going through what I was going through . She smiled at me and sat in the empty chair that was next to mine . I like this part of the story because I think that it really showed both of the characters and how they meant in just a paragraph . I also liked all of the detail that is in it . I think that is also showed a lot about what was wrong with the character and what the look liked and what they were doing . Posted by Scene - There is a scene when Riana trips and falls and her two front teeth fall out . It is a lot of diologe which makes it a scene . Its the most important part of the book and there is a lot of detail . It starts the scene when they leave girl scouts and three of the girls race to Riana 's porch , and Riana trips and knocks out her two front teeth . |
When we hiked to the top of the mountain behind our house a few Sunday 's ago we saw a plant that we did not recognize nor could we identify . Today as I was walking the dogs down the trail behind our house what to my wondering eyes should appear . . . but that same plant and it was in bloom ! Now it is identifiable . . . . Pinedrops . . . ( Giant Bird 's Nest ) Pterospora andromedea This is the third year that this doe has come around on a regular basis to visit Sarah . She will come up to within two or three feet on the other side of the fence and they will sniff each other . This has become a regular ritual and she is content with either myself or Carol being out there too . These photos were taken after all four dogs went out for their morning potty break and the doe did not leave . We let the dogs out one at a time and they do not bark or charge the fence but follow Sarah 's lead in just going about their business and the deer is as calm as can be . She does not come to the fence to sniff the other dogs - just Sarah whom she clearly trusts . This behavior says a lot about animals and how they interact with each other . Our dogs are all senior with the oldest ( Sarah above ) being 13 years old and the youngest being 7 years old . The other two are both 10 years old . With becoming senior comes predictable ailments . When we go into a physician we can usually describe what is causing us problems but our dogs are not able to do that so we must be very observant to see they are treated properly . Recently and suddenly Sarah did not want to climb the two stairs leading into the house . It took some sleuthing work but we finally figured out that she may have been stepped on at night . She sometimes likes to sleep on the bed in front of the couch that Bozwell is on . We concluded that she was sleeping there when either he or Echo got down and stepped on her . It could also be a combination of arthritis and injury . When we figured it out we contacted our veterinarian who suggested we give her arthritis medication and also give her a Rimadyl 100 mg . per day . The transformation was almost immediate and remarkable . She was back to her old self and eating well again . We believe she had both injury and arthritis and now she is on Duralactin and Cosequin DS as recommended . She now hops up on the couch and bed without any hesitation . She is also on Enalapril 10 mg , two times a day for her congestive heart failure . Bozwell also has arthritis and the Duralactin / Cosequin DS ( double strength ) , plus wild Alaska salmon oil capsules and oregano once daily , The salmon oil and oregano are for skin health and a stronger immune system . Carol tells me that when I prepare their meals three times a day that I look like a chemist with all the ingredients for each dog individually . In addition to kibble they get chunky beef and gravy . We were told Bozley was a poor eater when we adopted him but he gets his special combination also and it turns out he is a wonderful eater . In summary our dogs are unable to speak regarding what ails them but close observation will generally give a clue . They need to be able to live out their senior years in healthy and happy lifestyle . These treatments give them the desired pain free mobility they need to have that life . Posted by One more job to cross off my summer to do list . Cleaning the wood stove and chimney . Our Jotul stove is either 5 or 6 years old and it was also time for service . The gaskets in the top , front door were getting very compressed where they would allow air to leak in and harm the efficiency of the stove . So all gaskets were replaced and the inside of the stove was vacuumed out wire brushed and cleaned for every speck of soot and creosote . Over the years it must have been moved slightly so we also leveled it up . We ran a chimney brush up the chimney and managed to get it cleaned without making a mess . Checked the chimney wind cap and it didn 't look bad enough to climb up there to swap it with a clean one so left that for next year . Total cleaning time was just three hours plus which included a power outage of 2 hours sandwiched in the middle of the project . The power never goes out at a convenient time and this time went out with soot all over the hearth . No way were we ready to clean the chimney with the power out so we had to wait so we could catch the creosote and soot with the shop vac . We are ready now for another winter and have our firewood already done and dried out enough to get us through the winter . As I look through my summer job list I 'm already down to just a couple more tasks and the list will be complete . Cleaning the wood stove and chimney are never one of our favorite jobs and to have that done is refreshing for us . The stove will go almost continuously for 8 months so our window is narrow to get it cleaned . It always worries me when we are able to get our job list done early like this . Not sure what may come our way but we will deal with it if it happens . Posted by We always look around before we let the dogs out and this is why . Doe was standing outside the gate watching us inside the house . You never know what they will do if suddenly startled . The antlion stays hidden most of its life but you know it is there because of the funnels it makes ( see top photo ) . Insects ( especially ants ) walk along the edge of the funnel and fall into the trap and slowly end up in the bottom where the antlion is waiting for a meal . The funnel or trap is so constructed that as the insect tries to get out its momentum keeps pulling it to the bottom . In many ways people are like this today . They appear to be nice and friendly but create funnels for the unsuspecting person to fall into . They have personal agendas that do not include you except as a source to feed their ego or build them up while tearing you down . We trusting and unsuspecting people go along and soon find ourselves sliding down the tunnel to someone else 's advantage . The recent shooting of a congressman at a baseball field comes immediately to mind . The shooter bought into the hate spewed by others who should be above vilifying their opponent . Now some democratic leaders are actually promoting hunting your opponent as an option . Not all people are able to sort out the right from wrong and I see no difference in the terrorists radicalizing unsuspecting or susceptible people and politicians and news media doing the very same . It seems to me that we are no stronger than our weakest link and we should be protecting our weak links and not taking advantage of them for politics sake . Before anyone feels that this is criticism of one party it is not - both parties contribute to the condition . Anytime anyone from either party alters or skews the facts to fit their agenda instead of for the good of the whole they are players in the antlion feeding effort . Party has no part in the wrong committed as right and wrong are the major components . Those who spew hate , separation and vengeance need to have their forum restricted but then the owners and managers of these venues are looking for ratings and not integrity . After all ratings and favorable polls represent $ $ $ $ $ to them . In no way is this intended to justify what the ball park shooter did - he made his decision and acted upon it and paid the price which is justified . We need to identify and recognize the antlion in our lives and not participate in it just to be at the bottom of the funnel for easy food . I 'm not sure how we can go back once we have reached such a stage in civilization that lends itself to the individual and self indulgences . To me seeing where we are headed as a society is darn scary . Just my opinion . Posted by The flowers are starting to bloom and it is clearly springtime in the Rockies . Above is a monk 's hood plant with more flowers than I have seen before coming from one plant . I found it when I was pulling one of our winter damaged stumps out of the ground today . Below are yellow daisy type flowers that blanket the ground . Below are wild violets that are everywhere this year . Next we will have Indian paint brush , columbine and wild roses . It is a good time of year if you live in the mountains . Hauling limbs to the burn pile location provided by our association is one of the nasty jobs we don 't like to do each year . These limbs are brittle , catch on your clothing and twist and turn as you toss them down to the ditch and scratch you in exposed places . We loaded three piles this morning and tomorrow or the next day will load two very large piles and they will be done . The rest we have piled along the tractor trail and driveway and will run them through the mulcher . Here is the story : I went in two weeks ago to the grocery in Alamosa where we buy our cake donuts and was told by the baker he was instructed not to make any more . He said they were good sellers and often when I have gone in for them they are sold out . I wrote the grocery and some nincompoop wrote me back as Mrs . which is ridiculous . How many Bruce 's do you know that are female . They said they will report my request to the store in question which is a good way of saying - buzz off customer . So I decided to make my own . I watched my mom do it a bunch of times years ago and it didn 't seem hard so I downloaded a recipe on the internet and did it myself . I made some mistakes but they taste good so I 'll improve on the next batch and so forth . I take Rx that says to take it with food and since I get up early it seemed to me cake donuts were the ideal food to take my Rx with . I guess I could eat a couple scoops of ice cream but cake donuts won the debate with myself . I found making them wasn 't as hard as I thought and when I implement the corrections next time they will be uniform in size and just as tasty . Goodbye national food store chain , I 'll make them myself . Just the way us Mrs . Bruce 's are I guess - stubborn . . . . . This is a famous phrase said by Polonius in Act - I , Scene - III of William Shakespeare 's play , Hamlet . Polonius counsels his son Laertes before he embarks on his visit to Paris . He says , " Neither a borrower nor a lender be ; For loan oft loses both itself and friend . " Some of these old axioms never seem to lose their substance . In the twenty years we have lived here I have loaned tools , books , ladders , animal traps and assorted other things . In every instance except one the item lent was not returned or the person who borrowed the item was no longer a friend . In that one instance the item loaned was very slow coming back and I ended up going to get it at a neutral location myself . It was so rusted from being outside during that time it was worthless and had to be thrown away . Not once has anyone ever offered to make such a transaction right . I guess they figure if I 'm stupid enough to loan the item they if it is destroyed it is my fault and I deserve what I get . I recently was asked to loan an item to a friend and again was willing but fate or good fortune interceded and someone else loaned the item first . I was greatly relieved as I still had the friend in the end even though I think in this case it would have been perfectly alright . That did get me to thinking of the many times I had loaned items and lost both the item and the friend . Like most I find it hard to say no and when it has happened so many times over and over that the item is gone forever along with the friendship then I find Shakespeare to be absolutely spot on . Somethings withstand the tests of time if we are willing to pay attention to them . Now I usually just give the item in anticipation of never seeing it again . I just pulled out a favorite book to re - read again having lost the first two to people I told of the book and who borrowed it and kept it . In hindsight I 'm sure when they borrowed it they never intended to return it . I have found that giving things away is better than a loan of them as at least I still have the friendship at the end . ' Neither a borrower nor lender be ' . We decided to hike to the top of the mountain we live on . Walk out the back door and hike straight to the top . It was a 4 1 / 2 hour hike round trip and very strenuous . Probably as hard as they come as we had dense pine stands , multiple dead falls very steep rocky ground and pine cones that roll under your feet as well as rocks . The last several hundred yards were about 70 degrees which is close to straight up . Many places we had to crawl on all fours . Above is Carol standing on the very top of the mountain . There a a marker at her feet that mark the high point of the mountain . We came out at the exact spot that we aimed for which is a den in the rocks that bears must use in the winter . We came out right at our back yard but going down is as dangerous as going up as if you fall there is nothing short of bone crunching that can stop you . This is the view from the top of the mountain of the community we live in with the Spanish Peaks in the background . Another view looking toward LaVeta with a lake in the forefront . This is a strenuous hike for someone on the downhill side of mid 70 's , but it was worth it to struggle up the mountain to once again see the speculator views . It was a good day for it with the temperature at 70 degrees , slight breeze and slightly overcast . Lots of aches and pains but those will go away and the views and memory of taking a picnic to the top of the mountain with my wife will last and last . During this time of year we have frequent and unexpected thunder storms . . . . they are all of a sudden upon us so using a mild sedative or Thunder Coat on the dogs is not feasible . Bozwell could care less , Bozley shakes all over , Sarah has gotten somewhat used to them . . . and then there is Echo . Especially during the night when we are all sound asleep he goes nuts ; pacing , running around AND trying to get up the spiral staircase . If he would go up and stay , it would be one thing . . . . but not so . Wants to go up and down , up and down . Those of you who have been following this blog know that we put up a gate to prevent this . . . . but what he tries to do now is enter the " back " way . Never a dull moment at our house . Sometimes bad decisions are made and this morning that was the case . Not by us but by a ground squirrel . Carol had ordered a mattress topper for our beds and it was a big box that we had just retrieved from the Post Office 22 miles away . The box was large and hard to carry so when we got it home Carol had to hold the storm door open for me to fit it into the house . As I was bringing it in I saw a flash out of the corner of my eye and knew there was either a ground squirrel or chipmunk that found its way into the house . I looked around with the flashlight but did not see it . Carol found it in the front window . Okay , the bad decision was on the squirrels part . Our house is small and we have four German Shepherd Dogs . There was no way to get it out of the house and the squirrel had made a fatal mistake . It made a break for the back of the house and that is when four dogs saw it . No need to describe the result but it didn 't fare well for the squirrel . Four large dogs with a bite strength of 750 pounds per square inch and weighing around 80 - 100 pounds each , nothing was going to stand in the way of the dogs . Reminiscent of the squirrel episode in the movie ' Christmas Vacation ' . If there was a good part to all this , it was the squirrel liked to sit outside the door and taunt the dogs ; when they were let out it could safely escape . It has been doing this for weeks now and when they saw it and it was inside it was an ah - ha moment for the dogs . Some mistakes can be recovered from but this was not one of those type mistakes . No second chance here and adios squirrel . It was leaning so far and the dirt was so loose around the base that there was a 6 " gap that I could stick my arm down into . Every time we walked past the tree we would be very nervous and watch the tree carefully . Today was the day to deal with it so we took a come - along down and pulled it down . There wasn 't much dirt holding it up so after we got it down we had to cut it up so we could use the path . Those logs were heavy and hard to move but it posed a very present danger to us . If it didn 't fall on us or the dogs it could fall on a deer or elk . When the wind was blowing it would move the dirt at the base and we noted each day that the gap between the tree and the dirt was getting wider . Right down the hill from this one is an even larger one that is horizontally on the ground . The limbs on that tree are up to 8 " in diameter and it is broken off at the base . I 'll be several days cutting up that one . While I was preparing the dogs breakfast this morning I looked out the window to the side of the house and there were several deer bedded down not over 40 yards from the house . It takes quite a while to get the dogs breakfast ready as two require Rx and arthritis medication . Also I mix soft canned food and kibble together . With Sarah 's congestive heart failure she doesn 't have much of an appetite so her meals are drawn out somewhat . We received 1 / 4 " of rain last night so I took the tractor down to the end of the lot to make sure we didn 't lose more trees and stopped at the swing for a moments reflection . As I sat on the swing the deer were browsing on the lush greenery not 50 ' from me . The deer and most other animals feel safe here and they looked up saw who it was and then went back to eating again . These are not unusual incidents and it reminds me of how much we love it here . Living with the animals is a very unique experience and honor - especially when they accept you as no threat and show trust . Carol went to put the flag out this morning and the hummingbirds swooped and swarmed her , letting her know they were out of sugar water . When she filled the feeder and went out to hang it up they couldn 't wait and were lighting on it before she could hang it up . Birds and animals are simply amazing . Yesterday Bruce and I brought all of this wood up from the other end of our property . It is the result of the wind blowing down 2 standing but dead aspen trees . Bruce has cut the trees into 3 foot lengths . Over the next few days he will cut them in 1 / 2 and then we will split them and stack them for use this winter in our wood stove . Our driveway is 100 yards long and adjacent to the Jeep in the photo the springs are still running so the driveway stays wet there and has 5 spots that are soft and mushy . I had back bladed the driveway to make it smooth so when it dried out it would be even and hard again . Yesterday when we woke up we discovered that someone had come up the driveway ( tire tracks ) and gone past the Jeep almost to the house and then turned around in the wide area and driven off . Since November we have had three vehicles on our road and two were known to us . We do not get much traffic on our road and especially at night . In fact only one person has come to the house at night in 20 years who got stuck in the snow about a half mile away . Our friends always call first and to find tracks in the driveway is of great concern to us . It is of concern to us as uninvited intruders ( the property is posted no trespassing ) could end up being shot for prowling around at night . In 20 years no one has ever done this but we are always cautious as we are pretty isolated . It is pretty scary that people would sneak up to your house in the middle of the night who were trespassing . Fordham University , New York City . One of the true joys in my life is being able to donate firewood to LaPuente in Alamosa , CO . Several times a year the volunteers from Americorp that are assigned to LaPuente bring groups from all over the country to cut , haul , load and carry off firewood for those in the valley . Today Nick ( front right with the chain saw ) brought 12 students from Fordham University and each time he brings a group of volunteers I think there can 't be any greater and harder working young people anywhere . Then there was today and here I go again . Some outstanding young people who were such a delight to be with . In fact as they drove away down the road I was missing them already . I think I 'll be missing this group for quite a while . I believe standing behind Nick is Cat who is with LaPuente but I don 't know what her job title is but hope to find out on their next trip here . We see on the news , read in the newspapers all the evil in the world and then I get to spend a few hours with young people with a good work ethic , a good heart to volunteer to help others and I will sleep good tonight not so much from the hard work but knowing our futures are in very capable hands . We have been doing this for many years now - providing dead trees - and each group seems to eclipse the last . From the junior high school youngsters to the college students to the seniors in their 70 - 80 's , these are people of compassion , integrity , and a giving spirit . Nick also brought along a most pleasant young man named Danny ( not in the photo ) , as he was doing a video taped documentary of the firewood project for LaPuente . What a privilege to be able to contribute to the documentary . Danny was very professional and I 'm sure when he finishes the documentary and it gets posted on the web site that it will draw many more outstanding volunteers into their worthy programs . I woke up this morning to 4 " of fresh snow . I wanted to post photos of same and when I took my camera outside to get a few photos there were two deer heading to the tops of the aspen trees that broke off in the recent heavy snow storm . The tops have leaves that are about half developed and a good source of food for the deer . Several trees broke off so there are numerous piles of limbs and tree tops for the deer . This is why it is so hard to maintain a garden at 9 , 800 ' elevation . It is nice for a day or two and seeds germinate and then we get 4 " of snow . Last year our last snow was 5 / 28 , and that was 5 " of wet snow . I ended up spreading seeds 3 times before they were safe to grow and that reduces the growing season considerably . Have you ever wondered how you have lived so long with the dangers you have faced along the way ? I have and one particular episode comes to mind that taught me several things . When I was in the USAF , I was given a two year assignment in Bermuda . While there I met a retired USAF Sgt . that lived on a small cove with an outlet that discharged into the ocean . He supplemented his retirement income by converting his porch into a neighborhood restaurant which I used to attend as often as possible . His wife 's hamburgers were out of this world with a nice thick slice of sweet Bermuda onion on them . I got to know the old Sgt . over time and he found out I liked fishing . He offered his row boat to fish in the cove if I wanted and said I could bring a friend . I brought a guy I knew that worked in the mess hall and liked to fish . We were fishing in the cove and not paying any attention to the tide which was going out . We were being drawn closer to the outlet and the closer we got the more the pull on the small boat . We could not row hard enough to stay in the cove . We were sucked out of the inlet like someone flushing a toilet . The guy with me tried to jam an oar against the rock wall and broke the oar . We then only had one oar . We were suddenly out in the ocean with the big rolling waves . We started to lose sight of the island and were doing a lot of frantic bailing . We went past a stovepipe marker that had 17 painted on it . Shortly after we passed the marker we saw a ship and a guy with flags trying to signal us . Not knowing the flag language we had no idea what he was saying . Shortly thereafter we saw a coast guard cutter heading our way and another long boat that was the old Sgt . bearing down on us . He got to us first and we tied up and he hauled us to safety . The 17 on the marker represented 17 miles and we were totally helpless and barely staying afloat in the ocean . I ended up with a severe sun burn on my back and the base commander was looking for who had done this . My barracks mates took care of me and covered for my sunburn which was an Article 15 offense . I learned that having friends that would step in and save you were important and that having friends that would keep silent on my behalf and care for me by having to help dress me were equally important . My back was raw and oozing and my flight members had to carefully peal my T - shirt off me each day and treat my raw open wounds . I have heard people in our community say they would not stop and help someone in need if they didn 't like them . Having had the experience I had I would never consider not helping anyone - like them or not . It also taught me loyalty such as my flight / unit members demonstrated by helping me and protecting me . Everyone one in my unit knew it was me including my commanding officer but no one told , possibly because they saw that I was suffering enough with a raw back . But for divine intervention by having that passing oil tanker at the right spot to see a tiny boat the size of a small dot in the ocean we would have perished without a doubt . The Lord was watching over us that day even though I did not know him then . By all rights we should have perished at sea but that incident changed my life in many ways and I realize I 'm fortunate to be alive . Posted by Two more inches of snow overnight which brings us to 248 " this snow season according to my count . Our average is 264 " but we have had quite a bit of rain mixed in . It was 26 degrees when I woke up this morning and I thought I should get these photos before the sun came up to far and it all melted off . This above photo is for my wife who is in Florida now for a graduation ceremony . One week ago we were eating one of my cowboy breakfasts at this spot and it just goes to show how fast our weather can change . Below are the aspen trees across from our house with the leaves developing . Rotisserie chicken . . . yummm . . . Where else could you pick up the phone and call the local grocery ( 20 + miles one way ) and say : " Hey Gerald , doing chicken today ? " Then get an affirmative and tell them to put your name on one . At the appropriate time head to the grocery for that delicious chicken . They have rotisserie chicken at several locations in Alamosa but none are as good as Gerald makes . I wish this blog had a scratch and sniff feature because the aroma is simply scrumptious . It just seemed like the right choice today as it is overcast outside , cool temperature and I woke up to 1 " of snow this morning again and tonight and tomorrow is winter storm watch . If we get the storm expected I 'll have a delicious chicken left over in case we lose the power again . Driving in to get the chicken also gave me a chance to take a detour past one of my favorite places to prospect . It is a good place and as expected the water is rushing hard down the creek . That is running strong enough to carry gold to this location and when it stops running so hard I 'll take a special tool I use to extract the gold . |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . Well , I finally did it . Today I told pa that I was leaving . I had thought it would cause an argument , but he accepted the news as if he had been expecting it for some time . He did make me promise I would keep a journal , so he could see the world through my eyes when I come to visit . He gave me this book ; he already had it waiting for me I guess . I am seventeen years old ; it 's time for me to move on . I really do think I will miss the farm , from the sparring sessions with pa , chasing after the dogs and exploring . I 'd love to say I miss ma , but it has been so many years since she was alive , her memory is has already all but faded . Time to pack this journal , going to bed early , long day ahead tomorrow ! Walking the road isn 't so bad , although staying near it and trying to hunt for my meals can be a bit challenging ; at least all my arrows have been recovered . I passed a small caravan today before I made camp . They tell me there is a town only a few hours walk from here . I made camp early , and spent some time sharpening pa 's old swords - these are even better balanced then our training wasters ! I must admit , I am nervous for tomorrow . Our farm was in the country , and our nearest village was really small . I don 't want to be taken advantage of , and I have no idea where to begin looking for adventure . This last week of walking has helped me come to grips with the fact that I may simply be looking for work , adventure doesn 't just happen . Where to begin ! Today I arrived in town , and it is enormous ! There are so many places to go , and people to meet here ; I wish I wasn 't so shy . A ragged looking child tried to pick my pocket , but his steps and motions were so clumsy , I easily protected myself . Don 't these people ever hunt ? Finding work wasn 't nearly as hard as I thought . I found a well - kept inn and approached the innkeeper in the afternoon about doing some chores for a meal and a roof . He was happy to oblige ; it seems locals are hard pressed to be interested in mucking stables , splitting wood and the like . Not only did I get a good meal and a mug of ale , but a roof over my head and a few pennies to boot . He tells me he will have more work for me tomorrow . While I 'm glad to have found work , I am disappointed , in that I came here looking for excitement , and doing farm chores in a stuffy town isn 't my idea of excitement . The bright side is that many interesting people spend their evenings in the main room below , and I got to hear many good stories . Tomorrow is a new day ! I 'm so tired and frustrated , but I have never held this much money in my hands at one time . I did chores around the inn this morning , enough to be promised an evening meal and a bed , and he directed me to a few of his friends that he knew could use extra help . I 've been all over this town today , working odd jobs of all kind . Nothing terribly unpleasant , but the town people really don 't know what a day 's work means ! Some very interesting people visited the inn tonight . I saw a tough looking woman , dressed in the loose clothes of a monk . I saw a battle priest as well - I thought they were just one of pa 's stories ! I have yet to find out if when he prays my wounds close and heal . I saw another quiet man ; he has the grace of someone who spends a lot of time in the wild . He had the strangest slender blades though - they look like they would break if he tried to block a real swing ! I saw an elf woman who kept to herself , but when engaged talked excessively . She had a pet dog she talked to like a real person ! I may have found it ! I write this entry at a campfire , surrounded by some of the people I wrote of last night . I happened to be breaking my fast in the common room , when the town sheriff came in looking for help . A nearby water source is contaminated somehow and he suspects foul play . Our job is to fix the problem ; any treasure we find along the way is ours to keep . I 've learned my companions ' names ; Tarma is the taciturn monk . Rurik is the battle priest ( although he calls himself a ' cleric ' ) . The woman with the dog is a druid with the oddest name I 've ever heard , ' Bébé ' , and she knows a lot about plants and things . The quiet guy really doesn 't talk hardly at all , but he is quieter than I am when he walks . He did tell us his name is Tassadar , but little else . I learned a few interesting things today . First of all , the time pa and I spent unlocking doors and bypassing snares is a pretty uncommon thing . No one else seems to know how to do this , or even where to look . Discovering this really put a lot of pressure on me . It 's not that I don 't know what to look for or how to do , I simply am so nervous I overlook something or my fingers don 't move the way they should . More than one person , including myself , was hurt today by my ineptitude . Which leads me to the second thing : adventuring is supposed to be fun ! All I do is hurt - I have a dozen cuts and bruises , and my entire body aches . I am happy to say that the entire time pa spent with me and our wasters really payed off , I was able keep myself alive thanks to him . My new traveling companions called them kobolds , and insisted they were basically like me , but with a different upbringing and traditions . They were short , ugly cowardly things , avoiding direct combat if they could . A good way to stay alive , I guess , but we came for them anyways , and destroyed them . One thing that really stood out was this orc with some kind of magical skills . He was able to make himself literally invisible ( not just hide well , like I can ) . It didn 't stop his feet from making noise , and I was able to track him down anyways . Holy cleric indeed ! I witnessed the holy power wielded by Rurik , up close and personal . In one portion of the caved structure we found walking dead of all kinds . Rurik walked right into their midst , raised his holy symbol , spoke a few words of prayer and a mighty blast shook the room . When the dust settled , most of the horrors were dust , only the strongest remained , and we easily returned them to their rest . Oh , and I thought I had made good money doing farm chores in town , but that was nothing compared to the loot we have hauled out of that cave ! Instead of working , I will spend my time training myself . I am determined not get hurt on one of my jaunts . Of course , we immediately thought of our last adventure and wanted more orc blood . Unfortunately , Rurik wasn 't able to go with us . We picked up a new robed volunteer somehow . His name is Galar and he gives me the creeps - he is not a nice person . Also , a half - orc named Kevril came with us as well , carrying the largest scythe I have ever seen . We traveled to the keep and fought a seemingly endless supply of orcs even one troll . Again , I found my combat skills came naturally , despite the lack of training I have given it . And yet again , despite all my practice , I had the most difficult time finding traps , or disabling locks . I even pronounced a chest full of loot as trap - free , only to open it and immediately injure all us . What is my problem ? I 'm not sure if it is a focus problem , or if I am smitten with Tarma and just trying hard to impress her . This morning we cleaned up the remains of the orcs we killed and burned them all . This place is in pretty good shape , and doesn 't require much work . The lot of us has decided it would be in our best interests to try and live here . We are going to see if we can attract some workers to the mine , and perhaps an overseer . Any income from the mine should pay any sort of upkeep on this small structure . So , I see the next few weeks as time spent cleaning and repairing our new home , but I don 't mind the hard work . I am , however , determined to spend a fair amount of time practicing my skills ! I will spend less time polishing my martial abilities , and see if I can 't figure out what my hang - up is with these simple devices . My suspicions from a few weeks back are confirmed - we certainly have a reputation , and rumors just seem to find us . This time , we here a group of ' mind - flayers ' are trying to rebuild an ancient artifact , and this is assuredly a bad thing . I 'm told these are incredibly smart beings able to communicate with their minds . Where do people get this rubbish ? Regardless , we have decided the danger is significant enough to recruit assistance . Kevril sprained an ankle after a fall working on the roof , so we have recruited another massive half - orc named Ashkara . It wasn 't for several hours that I realized it was a she - she certainly doesn 't act like any girl I 've ever met . We also sent word for Rurik , and he has agreed to meet us here before we leave on our journey . Where do I begin ? We found a tower and began exploring it . I 've gotten better at spotting clever traps and disabling them , as well as unlocking secret spaces , but , not without a few mishaps . Improvement , to be sure , but I must master this ! I found an interesting book , and started reading it . A few moments later , I was finished and I closed it and put it away . My friends insisted I was in a trance for nearly an hour , just turning page after page . I don 't remember any of this ; I think they are putting one over on me . Afterwards , I was having better luck opening things - have my fingers always been this nimble ? I found a ring that felt warm to the touch and pristine without a scratch on it . Rurik desired this ring greatly , nagging constantly about the ring . The ring meant nothing to me , easy come easy go I always say . I gave him the ring to appease and shut him up . I decided it was in my own best interest to stay in the good graces of the battle priest . And on that note , I haven 't decided what to think of Galar . He is a powerful human and a useful ally to be sure . But he is downright cruel to others . I 'm keeping an extra eye on him ; I don 't think he would hesitate to use his powers on me if he thought it would benefit himself . We killed many a horrible being , but nothing would prepare me for what we found at the top of the tower . We entered the final door and therein were two ( I later found it was three ) of the strangest looking beings I have witnessed . It seemed as if some creature from the deep sea had latched itself to upon their necks . Their eyes had no whites , and where their mouth and chin should have been was instead a mass of long boneless fingers . Suddenly , I saw a bright flash , and my head began to hurt from the intensity of the visions I was seeing . The strange beings were somehow communicating with me , sending images directly to my head , but I heard nothing . The headache lessened , but I was so enthralled by this strange new sensation , I was caught unawares by another of these beasts . It wrapped that mass of fingers about my neck with a grip like iron . I tried to break free , I tried cutting at the slippery fingers , but I was unsuccessful . Then , I felt an incredible spike of pain , so severe I think I blacked out . When I awoke , Rurik was holding the remains of a piece of paper that was rapidly turning to dust in his hands . I swear I saw some tears in Tarma 's eyes - was she really worried for me ? Tassadar tells me that I died , but that Rurik was able to resurrect me , and the others insist this is true . Really , where do they get these flights of fancy ? Obviously I 'm not dead ; I 'm writing this in my journal ! We did glean that these mind - flayers are indeed trying to reassemble some sort of artifact , and we all agree that is a bad thing . The artifact has three parts , and we recovered one from the tower . Now , we must find clues for the remaining pieces ! We are on the move now . We 've heard word on the next piece . Kevril is doing better , but still in no condition to fight . Besides , I 'm convinced he would rather stay at our new home and drink ale with the miners . Tassadar was called to his homeland and could not join us . Not long into our explorations , I found a good reason to return pa 's swords to him ( one at least ) . Amongst some other valuable items I found a sword that seems a bane to any evildoer . When polishing it , I noticed a faint word inscribed in elven on the cross guard , " folgor " . I discovered when I am holding the blade and I say that aloud , sparks of energy travel up and down the blade striking anything the blade touches , until I speak the word again , or sheathe the weapon . A priceless weapon to be sure , I will guard it carefully . I 'm back in a rut , my fingers feel like stumps when I use tools to do delicate work , my eyes glass over when looking for hidden dangers . I keep getting my friends hurt and they are annoyed with me and I 'm losing their trust . Fortunately , no serious injuries have yet occurred . Why am I so distracted all the time ? Disaster ! I can barely bring myself to write this entry . I 've already picked up the pen and put it down half a dozen times ; I don 't even know where to begin . First of all , my suspicions about Galar were confirmed . Even in his idle chatter , all he could talk about was collecting male genitalia until he had enough to fill a bushel so he could present it to a victim and when their horror showed , he would then burn them to a cinder . Where do people come up with these horrible notions ? Second , I 'm sure the source of my distraction is Tarma - every time I am trying to do something complex , she is always staring at me . Yes , I know the rest of my friends are too , and hoping I will be successful , but she looks at me differently . I do think it is odd that I finally figured this out now , now that there is no hope of reconciliation . We did find the artifact and prevent the mind flayers from assembling it , but really , that is beside the point . Each of us was . . . pulled , I guess is the best way to describe it , to another place entirely . We were each offered a single wish for our hard work and sacrifice . First , I will tell of you of the wishes of my friends so the horror of my own situation is that much more poignant . The beast of a sorcerer , Galar , wished for powerful knowledge of spells . He wanted to know the most powerful spells in the known world . This was granted to him , but in some humorous twist in fate , while he knows the spells he lacks the skill to cast them . But as for me , in my vanity , I asked to be a little bit of a better person in every sense . I wished to be stronger , faster , tougher , smarter , wiser and a bit better looking ( I did say I was vain ) . Bu the gods are cruel , and my wish was displeasing to them . Oh , I became significantly stronger , faster , tougher , smarter and wiser , but I have a hard time describing the horror that has become of my face . The right side of my face is a disaster . It looks like a recent burn , cracked and occasionally bleeding , but it never heals . Rurik tried assisting me , but his divine powers had no effect . It has been nearly three weeks , but it still looks as bad as it did when I first rejoined my friends after our wishes . What a fool I was , thinking my false modesty would fool the gods ! They saw through straight to my greed , and hit the heart of my weakness . Tarma can barely stand to look at me now - what I fool I was ! I write from the inn of the local town . I have convinced one of the smiths to fashion me some sort of mask . Convincing the smith and the innkeeper of my goodwill was a very difficult prospect when you have the horror of a face like I now do . I tried making a deal with my hood up , but no law - abiding citizen in this town goes in public with their hood up ; it is a sure sign you are up to no good ! Breathing inside this thing is awkward at best , even though it only rests on one side of my face . It is held in place by a simple leather strap , much like an eye patch is . Beyond that , it garners me as much attention as my scarred face did , but at least most of the looks I get are surprised curiosity rather than horrific repulsion . I have decided I will not rejoin my friends at our new home . Clearly the cunning ways I had chosen as my adventuring style were not pleasing to the gods . Maybe I flashed my smile at too many damsels . Instead , I have decided to hone my physical skills . Perhaps I will become a sell - blade ; there is always someone out there that needs the help of someone with my skills - for a price . I decided to go visit pa . I was saddened to see the worry in his eyes when he saw my iron mask , but at least I have grown used to it over these last months . He had a coughing fit when he recognized me ; he insisted he was ill , but I know he was just disgusted . Work has not been as plentiful as I had hoped - people have a hard time trusting a masked man to guard themselves or their precious things . Occasionally , revealing my face underneath convinces them of my abilities and I am hired on for a time . People avoid me , and other mercenaries quickly grow tired of me . I 'm forced to move on from job to job rather quickly , never able to stay and earn any real money . I am pretty careful with my money , and have kept virtually everything I earned in my brief stint as an adventurer , living off my scattered earnings . Now that I am home , I will lock my gear away in my chest and go back to my simpler roots . I think , with pa at least , I can leave the mask with my belongings from my old life . Perhaps out here I won 't need it again . What a winter this has been . I found I have missed this simple lifestyle , and crave the adventure no longer . I find myself occasionally thinking of Tarma and get somewhat melancholy , but I know now that it could never be . Pa can easily recognize the faraway look in my eyes and he tries to gently tell me I will never know if I don 't pursue things . Pa is definitely sick ; he has had a lingering cough and finds it difficult to work out in the cold air for much time . I take care of most of the chores outside ; he prepares meals and reads books . He no longer has the energy to spar and has finally stopped trying to convince me to spar with him . Fighting holds no interest for me anymore . What have I done ? I foolishly thought pa would never die , and now I have missed saying goodbye to him . I wasn 't there for in his final moments . What kind of son have I become ? It took me all day to chip through the broken ground , but I finally laid pa 's body to rest . There was no one there to speak any words over his fresh grave . I didn 't know what to say , so I just cried . I can 't bear to have someone living in the home ma and pa made . So , I have strapped on my mask , gathered my surprisingly small amount of belongings and I will leave at first light . I intend to burn the house down behind me . Hopefully they will find rest here . It is as if my own feet betray me . Without intending to , I found myself at the gates of our old town . I can scarcely remember how I got there , or how I 've fed myself these last several days . I hitched my pack and preceded to the militia barracks . I knew I wasn 't guard material , but I felt like I needed the training . The captain remembers my exploits from last year , and has agreed to let me room and train here for a small fee . In the evenings , I find myself looking for more iron puzzles , and solving them at my bunk in the barracks , although I no longer know why . Boredom perhaps , habit may be even more likely . My fingers are deft , and the distractions seem to be gone - I have yet to find a puzzle I can 't solve in just a few moments . Vendors quickly figured that out though , and insist I purchase these toys before letting me get my hands on them . I suppose it was habit that drew me here . I know I must move on , and soon . I have plenty of money , but all it is doing is dwindling away . I have to find a way to make a living I have been taken in with a seedy dealer of magical items . He seems to need guards because he frequently cheats his customers . I have a hard time caring , it pays well enough for me to buy plenty of drink in the evenings , and no one seems to care if I am hung - over . Perhaps my sour mood along with my mask helps prevent trouble from starting . It has been a long time since I had to intervene at the shop . Ever the fool , I find myself irrevocably drawn to our old inn , where my friends and I would gather . The innkeeper despises me now - he waits until I pay then has his toughs through me out . None are foolish enough to try until I am good and drunk though . I 'm not sure why I write in this damned thing anymore . What a waste of time . I should try this book for a drink ; at least they would get a laugh ! Something unusual happened - I left my post and headed to my usual watering hole . I saw Kevril , Bébé and Rurik sharing a drink at the bar . Of course , Galar was there too , but he stood aside , as usual . They seemed cheerful and shared a few drinks and thankfully didn 't notice me . I kept my hood up and my head low and sipped on the same mug while watching them . I would like to say it was a foolish drunken decision , but I had little to drink . I stood up and joined them ; I couldn 't let them walk into so obvious a trap . There were hugs around and everyone generally acted like no time had passed . Their eyes slid away from my mask , and they did a reasonable job of not staring . Tassadar was away , helping with a demon problem in a small town called Ryndanhaven . Ashkara was away with other minor engagements . No one said anything about Tarma , and I couldn 't bring myself to ask . Abandoning my cavalier roguish lifestyle saved the life of my friends and me today . My combat training has clearly payed off - I was a force to be reckoned with on the field of battle . More than once my old friends commented on the destruction I would lay down against our enemies . We encountered a very strange plant , with leaves that were shaped like hands . Of course it attacked us , but we were able to extricate ourselves from the strange piece of landscape without too much difficulty . I did find another traveler who was not so lucky . He was wearing armor with the sigil of the Ironforge of Ryndanhaven on it . I took the armor , and donned it myself - I have never worn its equal . It allows total freedom of movement for me , and yet protects from harsh blows . I was able to protect my old friends , and they me . I have missed them greatly . I laughed as I watched Kevril tackle a quartermaster . The half - orc pinned him to the ground and beat him to death . Once , this may have bothered me , but this place , and him , exude evil . Besides , he was carrying a dagger of extreme strength - I relieved him of it , he won 't need it any more . As I suspected , the beautiful women proved to be an evil bitch . Despite the long separation , my friends and I are like a well oiled machine . We handily beat her and her minions . My speed allowed me to maneuver into advantageous positions on several of them and land some very telling blows . Home . It looks wrong even as I write it , but the feeling of my old room at the keep we liberated is right . The room down the hall remains empty , and I lack the courage to ask . But I am surrounded by friends again . Perhaps , in time , I could hang the mask up again . During my absence a competent , albeit expensive , smith moved into the nearby town . Now that I am indeed home , I saw no reason to hoard my treasure any longer . I spent the vast majority of what I have earned since I left home , keeping only a small amount for myself . The rest I spent , taking my weapons to him and allowing him to shave and sharpen them for me . Expensive , like I said , but the quality of weapon I now have is impressive . I eagerly await the opportunity to test my skills again . It has been a busy summer and fall at the keep for us . We finished cleaning it out , and hired staff to start working the mine . We all seem to be a bit struck by the wanderlust ; it isn 't too uncommon to find one or a few of us away on some item of business or another . Summer turned to fall , and fall is now winter , but underground the weather is fine . We have the infrastructure in place , the workers hired , and now the mine is producing a steady income . Not much , but far more than I would have ever seen if I were back home . Those of us that remained in the keep spent the night celebrating our success , the drink flowed . Tarma and I certainly drank too much , I 'm not too experienced with my liquor . I was awakened in the middle of the night hearing Ashkara roaring ' to arms ! ' If I hadn 't heard her , I 'm sure I would have heard the enormous booming sounds . Outside , we found some bandits inside the keep , firing cannons , taking down walls and trying to collapse the mine . We found a woman dressed in form fitting black clothes we had never seen before fighting the bandits , and we joined the fray . Before too long , the bandits were slain , but not before many friends and workers were loaded into a wagon and taken away . The woman begged for our help , to rescue her father who was amongst those in the wagon . As usual , Kevril volunteered to stay behind . Tassadar , Rurik and Galar were away , so Bebe , Tarma , Ashkara and I went with her . I can 't say I was sorry to leave Galar behind , but Rurik 's abilities will be sorely missed . We followed the trail and found some tents . We encountered some creatures that looked basically human , but , almost like they had a snake ancestor . Bebe claimed they were called ' Yuan - ti ' ( she was very annoying about the spelling ) , but I 've never heard of them . I didn 't pause to stare , they attacked and we put them down . We suspected one of being their leader , Tarma and I subdued him and tied him up . He didn 't answer questions , gave us no reason to help him . Ashkara finished him - not an action I approve of - he was no longer a threat , but I also didn 't care for him either . Regardless , we found wagon tracks leading us further on , so we followed them . We found a ruined temple area , filled with more of the creatures , some traps , a weird puzzle and treasure of enormous magnitude . We reveled in the treasure , using it to better equip ourselves . In retrospect , we are concerned that in our haste and greed we may have accumulated some cursed items . There is nothing to do about it , except to address the curses as they happen . Pressing ever onward , we came to the sea . We found more of these creatures loading a ship , our missing compatriots nowhere to be found . Leading them was what can only be described as a giant snake with a human face . They attacked us , and we brought the fight to them . I got into direct combat with the snake thing , and it wrapped itself around me , squeezing . Its skin burned me , not like more burn marks will be noticeable . In the end , they all fell to our prowess . We found our missing comrades on the boat . Amongst the carnage , we found a flyer , with all of our faces , including our missing party members , along with a bold title , " WANTED : dead or alive " There was no mention of the value of our ransom , but it does identify a King Jiddick as the issuer of the summons , for destruction of an ancient artifact . We consulted some of our workers found on the boat , the claimed he was a barbarian king , new to power , his rise swift . He now controls the entire Cerraldan continent . It is to there we now sail , hoping our other comrades will be able to find and assist us . We finally landed across the sea , and explored an extremely wealthy city . We accepted a challenge in the arena , handily beating the opponents placed before us . Our little band functioned like a well - oiled machine , supporting each nicely . My combat skills have further grown , sometimes when I fight I find my opponents seem mired in molasses , and I can easily step out of the way of their attacks . The arena was a profitable venture for us - I had my armor improved to make it easier for me to infiltrate unseen , and I was able to donate to the local resistance . It 's clear this Jiddick needs to be brought down . Even after paying out more money than I have ever held in one sitting , I still was left with more money than I have ever held . What should I do with this wealth ? One of the merchants we dealt with seemed in support of the resistance , and we were tipped off that a stronghold of theirs was under attack . So , we set off hoping to support their cause , and hopefully get this new king off our backs . We were attacked along the way a couple of times , and while we saw new tactics we haven 't seen before , we still were able to press on relatively unscathed . We came to a cross roads , with fire and smoke on the horizon both in the north and in the south . In the east , we saw a small walled city , with a small army marching upon it . Rurik offered to scout , he unfurled his massive wings ( still very unsettling ) and set off to scout the town . We waited for hours , but he did not return . Fearing the worst , we pressed on , hoping to find our missing friend . Still unsure of ourselves , we cautiously approached the city . The two forces clashed in combat , and we could not decide which side we belonged on . In our time of indecision , I spotted Rurik locked in a cage inside the walls . An idea came to me - I clicked my heels together and tried to teleport the short distance to him with my new boots . Sadly , I failed miserably , hurting myself in the process . I tried again , and was able to place myself in just the right position , and then pick the lock to let him out . By the time I was done , the attacking forces were all slain , by the defenders and with Ashkara 's help . They seemed to be part of the resistance fighters , and they asked for our help … Tomorrow we decide if we are helping them , then we will set out . |
WARNING : This blog is a diary , containing themes of an adult nature . Some language may be explicit and sexual , specifically describing acts between gay men . If this is likely to cause offence , please go somewhere else NOW ! ! Well , went round to Marts on Wednesday and stopped over . With the combined efforts of Mart , boyf and myself we made our first ever bong mix . Considering we don 't really know what we 're doing , and were going off what we 'd seen other people do , it turned out very well . To say it had claws would be an understatement . God was that some good shit ! Kyle had been round the previous evening . Got himself too stoned by 9pm and sat resting his head on Marts shoulder , apparently . But previously the conversation had been about boyf 's body . Now boyf has a very good body . It was embarrasing to boyf for Mart to repeat what Kyle had said . But I chipped in that I 'd always thought he had a good body as well . I was serious , with a jokey slant . boyf went red and cupped his face with his hands . Mart and I giggled . The flirting thing between Mart and I is getting worse . Maybe it 's cos I 'm getting so horny on weed at the moment , and I know that it gets Mart horny . I was just wearing my football shorts ( absolutely nothing else ) cos the flat was so warm , and I was getting very uncontrollable erections . At one stage I felt all the muscles around my ring relax at the same time . Very interesting sensation . With a look of bliss in my eyes , I looked over to Mart and proclaimed ' I 've got a right wide - on at the moment ! ' He spluttered and then started to giggle . ' Time for another bong , then . ' ' Yeah , go on then ! ' I answer . Man , does he turn me on , and he knows it , and he knows just the way to do it . Last weekend we were moving stuff from boyf 's . I 'd got a car load and boyf somehow got trapped in the back . So Mart and I took some stuff out of the car and into the flat , to release boyf when we came back . So we did our first drop . Halfway back down the stairs Mart stops , I 'm following and join him . He reaches up , grabs my head and snogs me . Just a short one . But there 's not many people who can give me a hard on with just a short snog . Worst of it was that I had to walk onto the street , over to my car , containing his intended with my dick forming a large tent in my trackies . Not something easy to disguise . Fortunately , I don 't think boyf saw it . It was planned that as I was doing nothing on the Thursday , that I 'd go with them all to Bury ( pron . Berry ) to collect their wages . Sometimes it is nice to be told what you 're doing ! boyf had to leave early for work . Mart had to leave to get to an appointment at the bank , so that left Kath and me to get up to Bury together . Kyle was supposed to be joining us , but it turns out that he got trade and overslept . So he met us up there . Mart and Kath did their banking . We got in contact with Kyle who was about 20 minutes behind us . So Mart told him that we were going for a pub lunch and to meet us there . We are all skint . So what ever can be done on a shoe - string is being done on a shoe - string ! Kyle arrives . We order food and start chatting . We finish dinner and go for a walk around Bury before going back to Mart and Kaths flat . Back at the flat we start the usual idle chit chat . The flat is hot , and it 's a very hot day to start off with . So Kyle ends up taking his t - shirt off . This isn 't uncommon . He stands up straight and shows his stomach . He comes over . I feel his stomach , a little squeeze . ' Now breathe out ' . He doesn 't flinch . I squeeze again . ' Go on , breathe out . ' I say again . The mischief spreads across my face , Mart sees it and grins slyly as well . ' Ok , well I know what will make him breathe out ! ' , I say and grab his cock through his jeans . I half expect him to balk and run off . He stays still . I give it a slight squeeze then put my hand back to his stomach . It twitches a little in my fingers . Kyle has a bemused smile on his face , Mart is grinning from ear to ear . Mart and I haven 't discussed our plans for Kyle yet , but I think Mart knew I was warming up for something big . We end up getting very pissed that night . Me and Kyle dancing topless is a sure sign that we 're merry . When we 're hugging and grinding together you know that we 're pissed . Kyle always maintains that he 'll not sleep with me cos he doesn 't fancy me . But Kyle 's body , mind and eyes always tell me more than his mouth does . Kyle has always enjoyed dancing , I 've always enjoyed dancing with him . We seem to spark something with each other . Numerous times its been commented on that its like a live sex show - but still partly clothed . Somehow , possibly a break down in communication due to the alcohol and loud music , we lose each other . I was too pissed to go to HomieSexual anyway so I go home . One day I 'll get there . But will I ever get out alive ? So , it looks like Kyle is destined to get a little extra bit of attention from me . To those who answered ' You haven 't already ! ? ! ' , trust me , it 's nearly been headed in that way a few times , just never quite got that far . You know you 're gonna read it here when it happens . Oh , just wait ' til I tell Mart . He 's gonna love this ! The weekend . I knew I was gonna write about this sooner or later , just hoping that this one doesn 't get me as down as last time . It shouldn 't do . Though I 'm seeing Mart in a few hours so that will perk me up anyway . The reason for going out this weekend was as a send off to two very close neighbours . They are an elder gay couple - 25 years together - and have been so supportive and friendly in the time that they 've lived next - door - but - one . They 're the kind of people who are only too glad to help if they can , that you 'll willingly stop and natter too with hands full of shopping bags , than you know you 're going to really miss when you don 't see them anymore . Saturday was their last night out in Manchester , they were leaving for sunny Spain on Monday . Early on Monday . We went round to their house at about 7 . 30pm . They 'd both worked in service for a big house somewhere down south for many years , before running a taxi company in London , finally moving to Manchester for a complete break . As a result , their house had been filled with remnants from ' the big house ' and lots of stuff they 'd collected . Most of their stuff was in storage either still here in Manchester or over in Spain so the house really looked empty . We had a little drink and a bit of a chat . They were really looking forward to going - it had been off and on for well over a year - but to me it all seemed to have come round so quickly . At 8pm we got a taxi into town . Our first call of the night ( as a group , the only call of the night ) was to the Rembrandt . It 's been a long time since I was last in there . The place hasn 't changed much , and the crowd hasn 't either . There was a shortish guy , gold chain , shaved head , who both Pete and I thought was very cute but in a very shifty kind of way . No offence to the lad , but he gave the impression that he may be a bit more interested in the contents of your pockets than the contents of your underwear . Then our view of him was obscured by two complete hotties . Pete and I were deciding who would get who . So I pointed out that I was gonna be greedy and have both . Pete told me that I couldn 't do that . So I informed him that I was perfectly capable of handing two fellas at the same time : ' You never heard of ' Skiing ' ? ' I queried , very mischeviously . He laughed . But there 's more . Our neighbours had brought a friend out with them - he met us in the Rembrandt . He took a bit of a shine to me . Pete told him that we weren 't together anymore , and I really felt him step up his game . Eye contact , the smiles , the comments that are always open to interpretation . He came across as a nice guy . But this wasn 't my night for copping off . Pete knew what his game was but I told Pete that he wouldn 't be going home with me . As it was , he 'd already got a shag lined up and left after a few hours to fulfil that promise . He knows where I live and has offered to come round for coffee . I can honestly say that that is the second time I 've been chatted up in Rembrandts and not felt scared about it . Neither of us are the typical crowd from there . The night was great . We all had a really good time . Our neighbours had to leave . One of them is not very well - in my opinion he shouldn 't even be travelling , let alone emigrating - and was a bit drunk . A ten minute round of kissing , hugging , and saying farewells ensued . I think that was the moment that I realised how much I was going to miss them . Pete and I stayed out . But we wanted to get out the Rembrandt . Went up the street to Churchills . Different atmosphere entirely . We just sat and chatted . We chatted shite . Complete and utter bollocks . I realised I was pissed , and that I really didn 't like being pissed . If I hadn 't been pissed by that point I could only say that I must have developed some resistance to alcohol , we 'd been packing it away a bit : one can empty , another there waiting . He wanted food , I couldn 't be arsed . So he got his chicken dinner and we got a taxi home . At home he unpacks his food , I have some water and say I 'm going to bed . He 's ok with this and continues to eat . I 'm upstairs , stripped and in bed . I 've been up there an hour , and brought back from sleep to doze by the sounds of conversation at the foot of the stairs . The it occurs to me that its only Pete down their . I can 't properly hear the words but I know he 's talking about / to me , and what he 's saying is not pleasant . He comes up stairs and into the bedroom still chunnering away to himself . By this point I 'm able to focus on what he 's saying . I was right , it wasn 't pleasant . I point out to him that I 'm not alseep and that I 've just heard what he had to say - I can 't repeat it as I don 't remember it . I make it clear that I 'm not happy about sleeping in the same bed , let alone the same room as him and make my way to the front bedroom . He follows me . He 's decided , He wants to talk . I snuggle under the covers , until he tears them away from me . I make a mental note not to get hyper about all this . I 'm strong . I don 't . Then he pulls the pillows out from under my head . No problem , I get up and go back to my bed . I tell him again that I 'm not sleeping in the same room as him . I grab my bottle of water and take a swig . He 's also got a bottle , which he squirts at me . Bastard ! So I squirt back at him . In his face . Everytime he tries to talk . I 'm still not letting him rile me . So I put my dressing gown on and state that I 'm sleeping downstairs . He starts goading me into hitting him . I 'm not gonna do it . I am not gonna do it , not this time . I 've done nothing wrong . We 've had a brilliant night , and yet again he turns into Mr . Arsehole . At about 4am I tell him that I 've had enough , that I want him out , for good . This kinda shocks him . I may have been drunk but the adrenalin from this had half sobered me up so I was thinking in a very level headed manner . Come 4 . 30am we 're in the car and I 'm driving him back to his flat . I say very little on the journey . At one point , he says something I take great exception to . I slam on the brakes and order him out of the car . He doesn 't get out , I drive on . The following morning , he arrives back at mine at about 9 . 30 . He looks like shit , I feel like shit . I 'm also shaking with anger . It 's reached the point I never wanted to get to . I hate him . I really really hate him . I told him this and that I wasn 't too comfortable with him being there . All he wanted to do was to sit next to me , but I told him that if he moved to do that , all I would do would to be move somewhere else . I let him know that I knew he 'd been worried about losing me to Michael . But I told him that he 'd not lost me to Michael , but to himself . Think by this point I 'd finally got my message through : I meant business and I was not gonna be a push over . This is where it all ends . We 've decided not to see each other for a fortnight . He 's not got the point of this and keeps trying to get me to meet him for lunch on Friday . I 'm not going . He needs to prove to himself that he can cope without me , that he can cope on his own . After this fortnight , we 'll see what happens . It 's not a long time , hopefully he 'll learn something from it . One thing is for sure though , it gives me more strength to make my life feel like my own . And the root cause of Saturday night 's shenanigans ? According to him , because I wouldn 't give him a cuddle when he got into bed ! There 's a distinct smell around that , erm , what is it ? Oh yes , BULLSHIT ! ! ! ! ! It 's funny , you know , what people search for on the Internet . What is more wierd is what they search for and turn up my blog . I 'm sure some people must get quite a bit of a shock . A recent search , which is also I think and interesting question is what does a shaved head on a young man mean ? Which was posed to the Google search engine . In amongst the results were my entries for March 2004 . The Google summary ( which always takes things out of context ) goes like ' . . . Hair A bald or shaved head on the right guy can be a real turn on for you . . . . ( baldness does nothing for me , but shaved hair , Oh , get me a towel ! ! ) I like . . . ' . I was a bit intrigued and so I looked up the page . Strikes me a fascinating that I write this thing , I know what I put in , yet I can still read things that I 'd forgotten I 'd forgotten about . Re - reading bits of it quite touched me . I laughed at my excursion to McDonalds , felt proud of Mart testing negative , found the exact point in time when I decided to shave all my pubic hair off ( btw : 1 . I 'm still doing it and it still looks / feels good , 2 . the Gaydar profile that inspired me is no longer active , shame , he was very sexy ) . Then I remember the depression I had back then , and how Pete was really doing nothing to help me with that . If anything he was making me worse . I was pretty bad in March , I remember . The lack of entries I think kinda shows that . It also makes me angry . I 'm angry at the moment , but doing very well at not showing it . Who am I angry at ? Pete for making me as bad as I was . A lot of things are slotting into place at the moment . But now also at me for letting the charade between Pete and me go on for as long as it did . Something did happen this weekend , I 've not written about it yet , but it 's a good move and a positive step ( in both senses of meaning ) . I started getting depressed after the previous Saturday , I got down after writing it all up here . I heard Mart telling me , again , what I needed to do . Knowing there are folk around me who really care is a big help . I was feeling more up by midweek . Then this last weekend happened ( it 's not as bad as the previous ) and I just thought to myself that I wasn 't going there ! Uh uh . Not this time . So it 's taken four months . Have I got what I want ? Just saying that comes across as some kind of childish demand . Maybe ' cos that 's what Pete always used to say : ' now you 've got what you always wanted ' . But no . I want Pete as a friend , nothing more , nothing less , but I 'm fearing that that is what I 'm going to lose . I don 't see the friendship there , I see all the things I don 't want but not the one thing that is the most important . I 'm rambling . I 'm outta here ! Driving to a midday meeting . Just down the road from the office was walking this lad , probably about 22 : trackies , baseball cap no t - shirt . Yum ! If it hadn 't been such an important meeting I was going to I would have turned the car around and followed . Shirtless scally lads do it for me every time , and especially if they are wearing a chain around their neck . Again , driving to work . A mid - morning meeting . Just up the road from me . I was waiting in a queue at traffic lights and I spots this bloke crossing the road at the lights . My view is obscured by a daft bitch deciding to touch up her make - up while shes waiting . But I spot bare muscled arms . He completes crossing the road and I fear he 's going to carry straight on to my left . But no , there is a Dog in heaven ! He walks past the side of my car . He 's 35 - 40 and big set . I don 't , as a rule , go for muscle men but this one was just gorgeous . Dark combats and a very tight white vest - top . Muscles in all the right places ( including one in his combats which seemed to have a mind of its own ) . I was already hot and sweaty . Now I was moist as well . Everyone seems to be building at the moment . Sunny weather is handy if you like the builder types ( quickly looking round ) . I 've got a real kink for builder 's boots at the moment . Don 't ask where it 's come from . I 'm the kind of person who wouldn 't be any use on a building site - not enough physical strength and a compulsion to wash hands whenever they get sweaty or dirty . Couple the boots with dusty dark trackies and a high - visibility tunic ( you know , the yellow flourescent ones ) with no top underneath and you 've got me hook line and sinker . Was horny after meeting Mart ( well , that 's a surprise ) so went off in search of cock . Maybe it was timing , maybe just bad luck at my usual outlets , but I tried all day and got nothing . Well , I got more frustrated as the day went on . Did spot a lad ( 17 years or so , so far too young for me ) in a light blue football shirt ( Manchester City ) , black Reebok trackies and trainers . Sweet , cute but not worth doing the time for ! However , my search for cock did not go completely unrewarded . I did eventually get some . Boy did I get some . It was HUGE . He was about 35 , just the right side of slightly hairy , round face with short dark hair , blue jeans and black 3 / 4 length leather jacket . But the dick , phew , it went on for miles and it was thick too - as thick as my wrist . We wanted to do more but there was an old dinosaur who kept bugging us . I told him that I hoped we 'd meet again as I left , he winked . We will meet again . Don 't know where don 't know when . But I know we 'll meet again some sunny day . So this morning I go round to Marts . Nothing was likely to happen , I knew that before I left home , his flat mate was there even though boyf was at work . Still it was good to see both of them , Mart especially . About half an hour after I arrived , Kyle rang Mart on the house phone asking him whether he 'd seen the ' rude ' text message he 'd just sent him . Now I know that Kyle can be impatient , but methinks this is pushing things a little too far . The message : ' you got to go to the city and get your dirty white ass fucked until your teeth drop out ' . We all like George Michael 's new record , we liked the original . But the question was still why had he sent this ? We ended up having yet another conversation about Kyle 's interests . Mart is unsure about whether to say anything , just in case we 're all wrong . We 're all pretty damn sure that we 're not wrong . But I added that I think we need to try and find out why this has come about now . Kyle was recounting to Mart about his antics of last night . He ended up in a club called HomieSexual . I 'd seen fliers for it with Ben some months back and forgot about it . Kyle happened to mention that it was full of black men and so they ended up discussing what I 'd be like there . It 's no secret , I do like my black dick . As they say about Burger King , it just tastes better ! Though I have to admit that no black man has ever entered my chamber of squelch ( Mart 's favourite description at the moment ) . Turns out that he had one bloke in the toilets , then ended going back home with another . Allegedly his love tunnel is a bit of a crash site at the moment . Shouldn 't be such a slut then , BITCH ! ! ! But the topic of the club came as a quick change of topic , almost mid - sentence , from what Mart was saying . Kyle had started by asking about boyf moving in , to which Mart said that he was . Then came the sudden change of topic . Are we reading too much into the jealousy thing ? I 'm not saying I have doubts , but certainly Kyle is not centre of attention at the moment , and he does enjoy being centre of attention . I 'm sure he was a Femme Fatale in a previous existence . That 's the only way I can explain his need for attention . Not to worry , though . Mart is planning on getting his own back . Not sure of all the details yet , but I 'm going to be there when whatever happens happens . I think it 's going to go along the lines of putting Kyle into a position where he 'll either roll or run . Quite how , I don 't know . But Mart is resourceful , and also has as much of a mischievous mind as me . Can 't think where he gets that one from ! All will be revealed as it unfolds In light of this mornings conversation I 'm going to run the poll for a week . That means I 'll close it down sometime late on the 30th . It 's completely anonymous , but I think you can only vote once ( fortunately or unfortunately depending on which way you look at it ) . I 'm in a micheivous mood this morning . And after last night I thought of this . I 'm going to poll whether I should go with Kyle . If the poll result says ' yes ' then I will start proceedings ( yes , I 've got an idea ) . If the poll says ' no ' then I 'll keep my idea on the back burner so to speak . Just wanted to say a big thank you for all that have commented recently . I 'm sure you can all see it was a dificult entry to write and I have felt really bad about it over the past few days : both the writing and recounting it . So thank you all once again . Got a phone call this morning - 9 . 15 - from Kyle . He was on his way to work and was wondering whether I fancied meeting when ' I 'd finished at the office ' . Bearing in mind , he 's one of the precious few , curtesy of Mart , who know what my leave plans are between now and September 1 . So during the day we arrange to meet from 6pm . To be honest , I wish I hadn 't bothered . True . It was nice to meet Kyle , after all , he is my eldest daughter . But it came across as a bit shitty when we were out that he went into Via Fossa just to talk to one of his ' fuck buddies ' . The fb fucked him off and left him a bit high and dry and things didn 't get much better from there . But before Via , we 'd spoken about the weekend . Kyle agrees that Pete has become more than enough of a ' dick ' to be true . I commented that it was probably about time that I asserted my strength and independence , again , to which he agreed . I raised the point about my naughty thoughts ( about Mart and boyf ) and he just glared at me . So maybe that it a good idea after all . ( Ok , call me a slut if I do ) . Then I mentioned about his antics and he just went quiet . Hmm . Maybe I hit a nerve that is best left alone . ( Haa . Haa . Haaaaaah ! ! ) Anyway , after the incident with his trade ( quite nice , but not my thing ) we reclined to another pub . Half way through the drink I realised just how bored I was . I made an excuse about being tired ( not far from the truth ) and said I was gonna get a pizza and go home . This appeared to be fine with Kyle . He made a few comments about being able to cope on his own , but I just thought I wasn 't gonna be a stooge to his act . While I was waiting for a pizza I sent a text message to Mart : ' Oh , I 'm pissed and bored with Kyle . I know you 're probably with boyf , and don 't wanna hear this , but I 'm still crazy about you . ' Half way home in the taxi my phone went . It was Mart . I told him I was halfway home and he said to ring him back when I got home . He wasn 't with boyf , he was at work . I did . We had quite a long conversation . Initially , he said he didn 't know I felt that way . Maybe seeing it in words meant different things to the actions . True , I know I can never properly be with Mart and love him , but he still drives me crazy in a way that I know is wrong . Apparently , there is a certain facial expression that I sometimes give when I talk that always gets to him . He 's gonna explain when we see each other next . We spoke about the snogging on Saturday , and I told him about the naughty thoughts I 'd started having . Then he started having the same thoughts . It appears that he kinda likes the idea . He asked should he suggest it . I told him that that would not be a good idea . It would be best to wait until a similar situation to Saturday arose ' then he wouldn 't have much choice ! ' . Mart giggled evilly . We both did . We 're not evil , it 's just that there 's ' history ' of sorts between Pete and boyf that would make life untennable for all of us if it got around that anything had happened . The seed has been sown . Ok , so now you can call me a slut . Mart just says I 'm a saucy bitch , and Kyle , well , we 've already had the conversation about it taking more than one man to satisfy me ! Mart realised that I was on a bit of a downer after the night out with Kyle . Think he knew that after the weekend my spirits did need a big lift and was upset that Kyle hadn 't been able to to that . Still , we ended the call with him knowing for sure that I felt better . Possibly something to do with hearing his voice , talking a bit dirty with him and generally being very very naughty with each other . Oh , it 's so good I don 't record phone conversations , I could get myself into all kinds of trouble . Mart finishes at 8 in the morning tomorrow . I 'm calling over for coffee for about 9 . Boyf may not be there , but his flatmate is , so I is gonna have to behave . Bugger ! Ok . Usually when I go out when I write up what happened it 's a day or so afterwards , or I 'll set the date of the post so it looks that way . [ Illusion is everything ! ! ] Usually , I also have a pretty good idea of how it will start and how it will end . This post has taken a few days to think about , and I 'm actually not sure whether I 'm going to finish this or not . I also don 't have any idea how its ' going to turn out . So , here we go . . . Let 's start on Saturday . Pete had stopped over on Friday ( as usual ) and the idea was that we would go round to Marts in the morning . He wanted to show me the local market ( and some of the lovely local eye candy ) . The aim of the day was to get ready for a night out . Originally planned to be at Marts for 9 . 30 , rang up at nine to see whether he was awake , no answer . We tried a number of people and a number of mobiles and couldn 't get in contact with anyone . Knowing how Mart can be , this always gets me a little worried . So Pete rang Marts work - he was supposed to be working on the Friday night . The message came back that he 'd not been in work due to a car accident . That he was in hospital , but it was unknown which one . I started to fill up when I heard this and the panic started to set in . It 's not just our ' special relationship ' that caused this , I 'd do it with anyone that I 'm close to . Anyway , we try the hospitals , no one registered . Eventually , we get in contact with Kyle . He explains that the accident story was just an excuse to bunk off work ( tut tut , but inventive ! ) and that 's probably at home asleep as they went out last night . Relief ! Mart finally rings and we go round . Quick brew , quick chat and then off to look at the market . There 's me , Pete , Mart and his new boyf . Interesting , some good bargins ( and even nicer stall holders ) . We all kind of coo at one in particular . He 's the kind of rugged scally - type that always turns me on , even if he is far too young for me . We get some vodka on the way back to Marts . It 's been decided that ' cos my house is bigger and closer to town we 'll pI did break free , went through the bathroom door and slammed it behind me . Ran down stairs back into the lounge and slammed that door behind me as well . It was then that I noticed . Blood . My blood . All over the finger tips of my left hand and on the back of my hand , wrist and forearm of my right arm . Shock hit me . Like a brick . I slumpped , stunned , open mouthed , on my knees against the door . This was the first time I 'd cut myself since learning of my status . This was my blood and it scared me . In the same way that Carrie raises her arms when she 's covered in the pigs blood at the Prom near then end of the film , and cries , that 's what I did . Pete had noticed the blood on the bannister and the other side of the door as he followed me . He pushed the door open . I put up no resistance , but it wasn 't easy with the way I was knelt behind the door . On seeing the blood , and the terror in my face he went back into the kitchen and got water , cotton buds , antiseptic and plasters to clean me up . I was rigid with terror , apparently when I did try to speak all I was saying was ' blood . bad blood ' . I noticed while he was cleaning how lucky I am . There 's a cut on my right wrist 2cm away from the main vein . He 'd gone into autopilot , doing things in the way that he always said he would if an accident like that ever happened at home . I recall him wondering why he always gets me wound up in this way . I 'm grateful to him for cleaning me up . Fortunately , none of the cuts are serious , but there is one on my forearm that will leave a scar . The blood on my left hand was from my nose . Now I 've written all this , I wish I hadn 't . It 's taken me three hours to type this so I 'm not just going to dispose of it . I 'm not sure how parts of this make me look , and I 'm not sure how parts of it make Pete look . Things could happen as a result of me writing this that I don 't want to think about . But they happened . It happened . Even in the state I ended up in I know that I have to do something , anything , to make sure that this never ever happens again . I feel like a drama queen for how some of this sounds , but I know that there 's no way back from this moment . Just been reading dvboy and his Guide to being a gay student in Lincoln and it reminded me of the very first time I saw a drag queen in drag and then out of drag when I was a baby gay . I got a summer job working in a bingo hall and had a real laugh with there . Particularly , I got very close ( platonically ) to girl who worked there , Sam , who lived not far from me . Sam was a strange girl , confused about her own sexuality , and it probably didn 't help that most of the customers thought we were seeing each other - despite the fact that it was public knowledge that I was the mainstage callers ' bit on the side ' . Something went very badly wrong , though . Sam developed a crush on our female Assistant Manager . A very big crush . Things got out of hand and poor Sam ended up losing her job . This , however , was not a problem and she got a similar position with a rival company but the catch was that the job was just out of Manchester . I got a phone call one night asking whether I fancied going to the pub near where she was working , she 'd got someone she wanted me to meet and that it would be good to catch up . I agreed . Told her I was working that night , but should be able to get out early - they owed me some hours - and I 'd meet her at work at closing time . So I arrive at her club about 9 . 30 , explain to the door staff I was there to see Sam . I looked like a typical young gay , and got very strange looks from the customers who were leaving or milling around : ' Sam ? With a fella ? A queer ? ' It 's then I meet Sean . He 's just done a full day on his feet and sits down , complains that he 's got ten minutes before he 's got to go and change , lets on to me , and then proclaims : ' I really should know better than to wear me tights under me pants [ trousers ] when I 'm doing a full one [ day ] ' . I 'd never heard language like this , and probably looked quite shocked . I mean , a man wearing tights ! We walk over with Sean and I get to know that he 's one of the drag acts for where we 're going tonight . He 's a good looking lad , older than me , tired but still chPosted by : homeboi / 5 : 03 pm | Friday , July 16 , 2004 Wow . Whirlwind ! Last night was fun , it really was . Met up with Ben . He wasn 't supposed to have gone out . But I kinda persuaded him to . Oops ! No drugs , just alcohol . We tried for drugs but there were none about . Never mind . Anyway . Long story short . Met Ben , chatted and had a drink with Ben ( well , quite a few ) . Embarased myself on karaoke - really must remember to only do songs I can sing when I 'm pissed . Ended up drinking half of a half a bottle of crap champagne which Ben procured from a chicken he 'd been trying to get into bed . Cute , but too young for me , and I don 't do ' suits ' or ' shirt and tie ' if you know what I mean . Went back to Ben and James 's new apartment . Very modern and very gay but also very gorgeous . Got into bed with Ben . To be honest , I wasn 't expecting anything to happen . The last few times Ben has been that wasted he 's just gone to sleep . But this time we fucked . I 'd forgotten how much I like Ben inside me . I 'd also forgotten that sniffing poppers makes Ben incredibly horny . He 's a good fuck without them , but boy can he bang like a bastard on poppers . I don 't like it too hard and too fast , I like to be able to feel it all sliding in and out , in and out . Ben does like to bang , maybe it was the poppers or maybe it was just cos I wanted him so much that I let him do it like that . And I did enjoy it . But I also had something to tell Ben . James already knew as I 'd told him when I last saw him . I was pilled up , he was stoned , Ben was wasted , so James was the most level headed of the three of us . I told him last night : Have to admit to feeling guilty for leaving it as long as I did , also feel guilty for leaving it so long between telling James and telling Ben but I won 't tell someone something like that unless their sober enough to understand the implications of it . Not sure of why he refered to it as ' the Flu ' , but when I met Jeff and he told me about his status a previous conversation between Ben and Jeff had been about ' the Flu ' . Someone once told me that being diagnosed positive was similar to coming out again . You know , that feeling of freedom when it 's not a secret anymore . That 's how I feel now . No secrets and no lies . I care deeply about both of them and I feel so much better that I 'm being honest about such an important thing . What 's more , it 's not an issue to them : we fucked before I was poz , I know we didn 't fuck after I became poz , but we did after I knew I was positive . That 's good . James was back from work early this morning . God knows what he thought , walking into the bedroom seeing me and Ben asleep . Having said that , based on a previous occasion , he 's probably used to having me appear unannounced . When I woke up Ben was asleep cuddling James . I kissed both of them as I got out of bed . I 'd already made a promise that I was going to spend some time with them over Pride and I repeated that promise to James . The glint in his eye said more than words . The feel of his hand on my crotch as we kissed when he let me out told me that I was always welcome . Phew . It 's seems like ages since I last wrote anything here . Nothing 's wrong , nothing 's changed . Just been away training in Liverpool , again . Thank God that 's the last time until October / November . What 's happened while I 've been away ? Well , not much it seems . Got back yesterday afternoon and was greeted by Mart , his boyf and my Arsehole . After an hour of trudging through work email - was ' instructed ' to attack email when I got back - I finally got round to sitting down and talking with them all . Numerous topics of conversation . Then it came on to Kyle . Mart and Kyle were originally going to Paris around the time of Manchester Pride 2004 so I was a little upset that they weren 't going to be around . However , now it seems that Paris is off . Lots of people have noticed a serious change in Kyle . We 're all putting it down to jealousy ( well , Mart and I are ) . It 's no secret that Kyle likes to be centre of attention and we 're all used to the diva fits when he doesn 't get his own way . It was funny to listen to myself watching what I was saying and also watching Mart choosing his words very carefully . I started to make some comment and I could see Mart 's eyebrows raise to the ceiling . I think he thought I was gonna say something about us , but I didn 't . I recounted the tail of the last time Kyle , Mart and myself went out and Kyle ended up at the sauna and pointed out that that was probably because I wasn 't going to have any go with him trying to cop off with me . Not that night , anyway . It 's always been a funny relationship between Kyle and me . Pete 's accused me many a time of having an affair with him . Indeed , he recently asked me out right whether I 'd slept with him or not . I replied that yes , we had slept together , but he was wearing some very fetching blue tartan trousers in bed but we didn 't have sex . He wasn 't impressed with my pedantry , but never mind . I added , expressing that I didn 't want to make too much of a point of it , that he probably went to the sauna because I wasn 't going to sleep with him . Ok , so he was horny , I was horny , but as I 've stated , that night I didn 't want to have a man with me . So I 'm still contemplating the ' do I bone Kyle ? ' question . I know it 's cruel to play with people in that way , especially as I 'll probably just lead him on and then drop out of it . But I might have some fun with the idea . I know that Mart is getting concerned about how Kyle is interacting with him . We 've all done the harmless mate - like flirting with each other but this seems to be attempting to get on a different level . True , Mart and I have done more than the harmless flirting . But . Asking a mate to go to the loo with you when you 're in a club is one thing . Asking them to go to the loo with you in your own home is a completely different thing , especially when your new boyf and your shag - piece are there ! And apparently , that is one of the more innocuous events . Kyle doesn 't do subtle - I 've heard his chat - up technique on the phone when he thought he was speaking to someone else - but that 's no excuse . Manchester Pride is going to be important for me this year , for reasons that don 't need to be stated . I 've avoided it like the plague for the past few years , but this time I feel the need to be there . In some ways Mart is quite happy that Paris isn 't happening . Aside from the fact that he knows that it 's important to me for him to be at Pride with me , he has this suspicion that Kyle was going to say something while they were in Paris . Or do something . None of us can decide which is worse ! But anyway , it 's Thursday . I 'm going out later . And I 'm going to have a great night . I will be having a great night . If I tell myself that often enough this afternoon , then I 'm bound to . As for Michael , well , I 'm feeling a little guilty . I 've not rung or messaged him since I left him at the station . He 's gonna think I 've fallen out with him . Maybe he 'll be around tonight , maybe he wont . Just have to wait and see . Been wanting to do that for a while . Apart from 45 minutes trying to get the Blogger template to look how my mock - up looked , that wasn 't too painful . I 'll be unhappy with it within the week . We 've already found out at work that my knowledge of style sheets is , erm , not very good . So even if it looks like a bag [ of shite ] , I 'm proud of it . Well . What a weekend . I 've been away , I 've relaxed , I 've de - stressed and I feel abso - fucking - lutely fantastic . I get home on Friday afternoon and finish some work jobs from home . I 'm in the middle of writing my last train of thought on here when Pete comes in . He 's been in town . Two pints he says he 's had but to me he comes across as ' steaming ' . He asks what I 'm up to , I tell him I 'm doing my diary . TV comes on downstairs and he 's playing the music channels at full pelt . I shout down for him to turn it down a bit . I 'm not complaining about the music , just the volume . He turns in down . Then comes upstairs and sits by the side of me . ' What you doing baby ? ' he slurs . I 'm doing my diary , or trying to is my response . It then becomes apparent that he wants to go out . Seriously , I was too knackered and didn 't feel up to it . This sparks a row : ' you never want to go out when I suggest it . You only go out when you want to . How come you 're never tired when you go out with other people . . . ' I don 't have the energy to argue , so I just sit quite calm . I thank him for the invitation and tell him that if he wants to go out I 've got no problem with that , just that I don 't feel like it . He keeps going . I 'm starting to feel like a prisoner in my own home so I tell him I 'm going out . So I go for a drive . Incidentally , it was to a known cruising area but this was not my reason for going . Anyway , I 'm dressed all in white so where ever I was in the greenery I would have been spotted a mile away . Had a nice wander . With the rain I think most sensible people knew it would have been a bad idea to engage in outdoor sex . There was only one other guy around . It was obvious what he was there for . I just blanked him . We sit downstairs and I 've regained my composure . But not for long . He flairs up again . I tell him that I don 't know who he thinks he is , but he is not coming into my home and picking an argument with me within the first 20 minutes of his arrival . I tell him I 'm going . Because of my preoccupation I tell him a few things that I can 't remember but they don 't paint my psychological well - being in a good light . He asks if I 'll be back . I tell him probably not . He chases to the car after me , but with quick thought I lock all the doors on the car and drive off . I park up a few miles away from home . It 's a fairly quiet road near a cemetary . Truckers use it for sleep - overs , but there was only one truck there . I clamber into the back of the car and try to settle myself down for the night . It 's not comfy , but I get a bit relaxed . I remember that I 've got messages from Michael to reply to , so I turn my phone on . I send a grovelling appology that I 'm down and out of sorts . Shortly after he rings me up . I tell him about the situation at home with Pete and he asks me where I am . Tells me off . Not good for me to spend the night in the car , get my arse home . But he also invites me to come down to his for a relaxing weekend . The invitation was tempting and so I took it . I go home happy in the knowledge that I 'm not gonna spend a boring , annoying , stressing weekend in Manchester . Pete 's gone out again , but there is a note . I half read it , and then write him a note informing him that I 've been invited away for the weekend and that I was thinking of going . We have an ' adult ' conversation first thing in the morning . But it degraded soon enough to the usual shouts and screams . It 's clear he doesn 't understand why I needed to get away , and wanted to do the ' getting away ' with me . I tell him that I 'm going because I need the break : away from home , away from him and away from Manchester . Unhappily he lets me go . He didn 't and doesn 't know where I went to . I actually don 't want him to know that I spent the weekend with Michael . He 'll think that it was just some excuse for me to get my cunt filled . I already knew he believed it was going to be ' party , party , party ' , but maybe that was due to the fact he didn 't know where I was going or who I was going with . Michael and I are exchanging text messages while I 'm on the train . Turns out that we 're both as excited about my arrival as each other . One hand writing messages on my phone , with the other inside my white trackies playing with myself . Oops ! ! While I remember , I also send a message to Mart apologising for my sudden departure as he was supposed to be coming over to stop for the weekend . He didn 't reply . Much of the weekend is a blur , I spent the vast majority of it stoned . But it wasn 't sitting - doing - nothing stoned , it was doing - stuff stoned . The change of air , scenery , company , everything really helped me to unwind , relax and chill out . I also got to see the other side of Michael , and I liked what I saw . It made me wonder why my life seemed so complicated in comparison . As for the sex , ' cos you knew that had to be in there somewhere , I 'm really proud of myself . I was actually able to take all of Michael . It took us two days of ' gentle persuasion ' but he finally got balls - deep into me . It was heaven . He made me bleed , a little . ' Just a small fissure ' he said while he held my arse in the air and peered into the car crash that was my anus . So he runs me a salt bath and instructs me to have a few more of these over the next few days . I knew I had to come home on the Monday morning , and also knew that when Monday came I wouldn 't want to . I was right . Sat at the station waiting for the train back to Manchester Michael was talking to me . I was only paying half attention , sorry , ' cos I didn 't want to leave him . I feel lighter , happier , I look better and feel better than I have done in months . Like when you 're on ' E ' and feel like you 're ready for the world if only it weren 't all cotton wool . That 's how I feel , but without the chemicals and without the cotton wool . So what , I 'm in love with some body and I know that I don 't want to lose this feeling . I saw someone describe themselves as ' mentally and physically fit ' over the past few days . Both descriptions I 've liked to use on myself . With my work I have to be quick thinking and resourceful , so mentally I 'm pretty agile . As for the physical , I 'm not a muscle - mary by any stroke of the imagination ( or pork sword ) . Though one trick did once ask me which gym I went to . I hadn 't and haven 't been to a gym in years , I 'm all natural ! Something is bothering me . It 's something that I don 't know how to resolve . And it 's something that could get messy and a few people could get hurt by it . Don 't know whether it 's cos I 'm over worked at the moment or what but mentally I 'm not firing on all cylinders . If I 'm honest I can say that it started on Saturday evening . What I didn 't write about was that I got home , and was a mess , had a blazing row with Pete and stormed off in the car for a few hours . I phoned Michael and we had a bit of a chat , and exchanged a few text messages . My mobile has been off ever since . Sort of purposefully , sort of by accident . When Pete and I split up there were a number of reasons . The main one being that I 'd lost the line between him and me : where did one begin and the other start ? I had to get out , find myself , realise that I actually liked myself . At the time I hated him and I hated myself even more . A lot of people knew I was unhappy . Only I knew just how unhappy I was . No one thought that I would actually throw him out , despite the threats of me doing so . Even Pete never thought I could do it . But then he didn 't even realise how unhappy I was . I 'd told Kyle a few months earlier that I was thinking of moving ( still in Manchester ) and just escaping . Practically everything was in my name , the rent paid by me , so he 'd have been well up shit creek . Kyle just told me not to be silly , try and ride the storm . The storm got worse and so I bailed out . That was two years ago . I 've maintained since then that I don 't want a relationship . It took ages to convince Pete that I didn 't want a man in my life , and I didn 't need a man to make my life complete . I still feel that way . Pete 's been constantly pushing for a relationship with me . It was nearly about to happen until the HIV thing . Whether it nearly happened for the right reasons I 'll never know . Kyle tries to explain my lack of desire for a relationship as ' you 've had a taste of freedom , you like it too much , and you 're not about to give that up ' . He 's got a point , I 'll grant that , but it 's not the full story . I actually don 't know what the full story is , but I know that it 's not that . I know I 'm getting closer to Michael , and I like Michael a lot . It doesn 't a scientist to work out that he 's pretty hot on me as well . Maybe he 's a bit too hot for my liking , but I can 't completely control other people . He knows I 'm not in relationship mode . He 's ok with the casual fucking but wants much more than that . Perhaps it 's a question of independence . I fought hard for my independence when I was younger . I was that child who was wrapped in cotton wool . Pete used to try and ' protect ' me from the evils of this world . Yes , I was naive when we first met . I know I don 't like to feel closed in and smothered . I think Pete 's doing that a little at the moment . Michael says that he respects my independence and that it is important for me to have my life . He has his life and I have mine . God help the next man who tries to take my independence away . I do feel closed in . Through being single I 've made myself stronger , more self - assured . The HIV thing knocked me a bit , but it made me more determined . After the initial hiccups I 've got my confidence back . The last thing I want to do is to return to the subservient , timid wench that I felt I was two years ago . That 's not a positive move . And I think that 's how I see relationships , well , my relationship at least . I know gay relationships can work , and work well . Ben and James are strong with each other and I take great pride in being invited into the strength of their relationship . If doesn 't feel like its rubbed off on me , even though both of them have . I suppose I 'm falling in love . Even though I 've not phoned Michael I 'm thinking about him . And it 's not just the sex thing I 'm thinking about . I know if I don 't move I 'll lose him . The sex is good , but sex has never been high on my lifes list of priorities ( I know , gasp ! ! ) . It is more than just the sex with Michael , more than just his status . I 'm being a bitch with him , I know , and I know I 'm not playing fair . But I 've never liked playing by the rules . I heard a song on the radio this week : I don 't want to fall in love . I love a lot of people , and there are some very special people around me , and I love them for very different reasons . It sounds patronising , but everyone in my life has their purpose , everyone has a role . Even if that role is only that they make me feel good . That 's just so self - indulgent . If I do fall properly for Michael , then Pete is going to be well pissed off with me . I don 't think I can handle that . Definately not at the moment . Though I can 't deal with that level of commitment at the minute . It would be very easy to fall for Michael , he 's just so lovely . I had an awful thought the other day , about me starting to go out with someone just to get Pete off my back , and then dump them so I could be with Michael . That 's cruel , and so not me . I couldn 't do that , it 's dishonest and makes me a bad person . I was hoping that writing this down might help me make it clearer . I think I understand why I 'm preoccupied , but it doesn 't help me to see how to get out of it . It hasn 't made it that much clearer . I 've been for a drive and just re - read what I 'd already written . I was afraid it was just a ramble . I 'm really confused and my emotions are a bit ripe . I want Michael to be here with me , but I know that if he was we 'd just end up in bed together and it wouldn 't sort anything out . Or would it ? I need to speak to Michael . I can 't speak to Pete about this , he 'd just go off the wall and scream at me . And that 's from someone who claims he still loves me to death . This feeling is alien to me and I can 't process it . Maybe I need some time away from the real world to pull myself together and decide where I want to go from here . Certainly I can 't think about it with all the hustle and bustle going on around me . |
Richard Johnson , an average college student , just spent his last dime on food , lost his wealthy girlfriend , and had his bike stolen . To add to his misery , he returns to his apartment where he runs into his strange neighbor , nicknamed The Ghoul . Convinced that this bizarre man is more than he seems , Richard and his land lady 's bull dog , Khan , sneak into The Ghoul 's apartment where they find a timegate to the future . Along with his set theory teacher and her brother , they embark upon a soaring and treacherous journey through space and time to discover a terrible truth - - mankind is being slowly and systematically exterminated . On Wednesdays , I 'm supposed to awaken with the blaring of my alarm clock at seven . I get up , dress quickly , dash to campus , stare at Mrs . Jacklyn in set theory class , fall asleep in Mechanics 1 , eat lunch , and study in the afternoon , before ending the day at band practice . For me , that was enough excitement on Wednesdays . I was late to my first class . Ordinarily , being late to set theory would not have posed much of a problem , but when I arrived Mrs . Jacklyn was collecting a pop quiz . I hadn 't done very well on her last quiz and I wasn 't likely to do much better on this one . I slunk into the class . With nothing important to do for a few seconds after finishing the quiz , everyone had time to turn and gawk at me . I wanted to whirl and run , but somehow I found the courage to shrivel into a seat in the back row . What continually cycled through my mind as I tried to disappear was how embarrassing it would be to flunk math , since it was the class in which I wanted to do well . Not because I liked set theory . I hated it , and it wasn 't even required for my major . No , I was in the class for one reason : I was mesmerized by Mrs . Jacklyn , and I had no trouble explaining why . Since reaching puberty , I had always adored tall women , and Mrs . Jacklyn was tall ; she 'd played volleyball in college , according to rumor , and was an expert in martial arts and weapons . Her slender body , lithe and graceful as a pine tree , was at least an inch taller than my six feet two inches . Her hair was black , as were her eyes , and every time she looked at me with those bottomless eyes I was captured . All she had to do was ask and I would give her anything . Unfortunately , the only thing she ever asked for were my tests , and I was too intimidated to ever speak to her . Most of the students in the class were afraid of her , but I was both afraid of and in love with her , at least in a theoretical way . After all , I did have a girlfriend , so my dreams of love were tempered by that and Mrs . Jacklyn 's attitude toward me . She was remote and unapproachable , as difficult a goal to achieve as the set theory she was trying to teach me . The look she gave me when I slid into my seat late was cold enough to freeze fire . The look she gave me when I darted out of the class at the end of the period was even colder . I had an hour between classes , so I rode my bike home to retrieve my Mechanics 1 textbook , which I had forgotten in my rush to find a clean pair of socks that morning . In times like these I was glad I didn 't have a car , since parking on campus was impossible , and I lived too far away to walk home and back even with an hour off . My bike was an old Schwinn five - speed , but it served me well . Home was a slightly renovated old house a couple of blocks south of Arapahoe and a few blocks west of Broadway , close to a mile from the University of Colorado campus in Boulder . My landlady , Mrs . Lafferty , who was over ninety , had turned her family home into eight apartments . Only two of the apartments had bathrooms ; the rest were just bedrooms that shared a common bath . Two sizes smaller than the other apartments was my closet of a room . Mrs . Lafferty kept telling me it had been her children 's playroom sixty years before , but I wasn 't convinced . It was too small to be anything but a closet . But it was cheap , and with the discount I received for walking Genghis Khan each day , I could almost afford it . Khan had not moved even one drooping lip . I was grateful . The last thing I needed right now was a spoiled brat of a bulldog wanting his walk . Technically , I was supposed to walk him twice a day . Mrs . Lafferty 's right knee had been replaced the month before , and she was still too sore to walk him herself . Even though in general we didn 't get along too well , Khan and I had quickly come to an understanding - most of the time : I would only walk him in the afternoons and he wouldn 't complain about it to his owner . Not that he wanted to ; Khan was a fat , ugly registered purebred bulldog who was over seventeen years old . Mrs . Lafferty 's family tree had primarily grown in Hungary and she 'd named him after one of her heroes : Genghis Khan , the invader of Hungary . Khan 's belly bounced along the floor as he waddled ( he no longer ran ) and his lower lip often dragged the ground as he went . It seemed as though I was always pulling a sandspur out of that lip after one of our walks . Because of cataracts he could barely see where he was going , but there was nothing wrong with his nose : he could smell dead food eight blocks away . The deader the better . Four - day - old - squirrel roadkill ( still stuck to the road , of course ) was his idea of gourmet dining . It was almost impossible for me to pull him away from it even when a truck was rumbling straight at us . Once I had to scrape the squirrel off the road with my fingers and throw it onto the sidewalk to save our lives . I examined my mail . The only mail not an ad was a notice from the campus credit union that the check I had written to The Food Market had bounced , and loudly , I presumed . That was my second bouncing to The Food Market . From now on it would be cash only for me at that store . No money in the account ! I couldn 't believe it ! I should have had twenty dollars left over after that check . Now , with the bounced - check fee , I apparently was overdrawn thirty dollars and twenty cents . How could I have fouled up my checkbook so badly ? It wasn 't as though I wrote a lot of checks to keep up with . It didn 't make sense . Food was definitely going to be a problem for the next few days , until my GI Bill check came in . And worst of all , I had a date for lunch with Rosalyn . Sometimes she paid for our lunch ; hopefully this would be one of those times . Otherwise I was going to be in trouble . Depressed , staring at the ground , afraid to wonder what else could possibly go wrong on this day that had hardly begun , I ran right into the Ghoul from the End of the Hall . It was like hitting a steel I - beam , and I went careening across the hall into the wall . The Ghoul just glared at me and left . Dreamy Isle Apartments was a three - story building . Mrs . Lafferty lived on the first floor with Genghis Khan ; there were four apartments on the second floor and four more on the third , five if you counted mine . While mine was certainly the smallest , the Ghoul 's was the largest , with a sitting room as well as a bedroom and a private bath . I had no proper excuse for knowing this except that I 'd been in it chasing Khan . This was one thing Khan and I agreed on . Neither of us liked the Ghoul . If anything , Khan disliked him more than I did . I had no idea why , but whenever the Ghoul was around , Khan continually emitted a low - pitched growl and stayed as far away from him as possible . But when the Ghoul was out of the building , Khan often spent hours trying to break into his apartment . At least one time he was successful and I found him staring into the bathroom , his head slightly cocked to the right , lip and stomach rubbing the floor , a puddle of drool in front of him . Pulling him away from that bathroom was harder than dragging him away from one of his favorite dead squirrels , but I finally extracted him from the Ghoul 's apartment . My first inclination was to leave Khan in the hallway while I wiped up the trail of drool , but ultimately I decided it wasn 't worth the trouble . Let the Ghoul puzzle over the river of spit . Of course , he really wasn 't a Ghoul , not that I was aware of , anyway . His name was Thaddeus K . Rumpkin . I had some difficulty prying this from Mrs . Lafferty , but kept asking her day after day until it slipped out of her sometimes addled mind . I don 't know why it was so important for me to find this out , but it was . All the tenants called him the Ghoul because in some indescribable way he reminded us of one . It was hard to say why . He was thick and stubby , at least four inches shorter than me . His face was entirely without wrinkles , yet gave the appearance of being old . His expression was always neutral , never laughing , smiling , frowning , or looking puzzled . Yet a feeling of hostility always emanated from him . And his eyes … they were ancient , deep in knowledge … frightening … inhuman . I couldn 't look at them without a cold sweat breaking out on my back and my knees wobbling . Once I had tried to be friendly . I offered to help him carry a load of groceries to his apartment since he was struggling with four obviously heavy bags , two in each arm . He stared at me , almost through me , and shook his head . " Strange bird , " she said , staring up at him . " Pays good money , though . Never late with his rent . " With that , she turned and hobbled into her kitchen . It was the only unsolicited comment about him I ever heard from her . I often asked her what he did for a living . She shook her head . I asked her why he didn 't come to the weekend breakfasts she fixed for all her tenants . She shook her head . I asked her if she knew why we didn 't see him for days at a time . Was he gone or in his apartment ? She shook her head . She didn 't know , of course . No more than the rest of us . As I now staggered around the hallway watching the Ghoul 's back disappear down the stairs I thought about the one time I had followed Khan into the Ghoul 's apartment . My mind couldn 't remember all the details , but what still struck me was that it was virtually bare . There was a desk or table in the sitting room , with a computer on it - at least something that was square and metallic - but the rest of the room was empty , and there was only a pad on the floor in the bedroom . I couldn 't remember anything about the bathroom except for Khan drooling in the doorway , but there was a strange presence coming from the room ; perhaps that was the reason I needed so much strength to pull him away . It took me several days to admit it , but I was scared in that apartment . Terrified , actually . Rushing away from the Ghoul , I made it back to campus for my Mechanics I class . The day had been going so badly that I had temporarily buried deep in my mind the fact that I was facing a midterm here . I had studied at least thirty hours for this test , and felt that I knew the material backwards and forwards , but the moment the test was placed in front of me , my mind went blank . The test questions appeared to be written in Sanskrit . Not one of them made any sense whatsoever . " Order whatever you want , it 's my treat , " she told me . " Daddy gave me some extra allowance . " Extra allowance for Rosalyn was usually enough to buy a Corvette . Daddy - Robert A . Rosencrantz , Jr . - had moved south thirty years before with his inherited New England fortune and developed acre after acre of beachfront condos in South Florida and square mile after square mile of mobile home parks in Central Florida , thus multiplying his already hefty fortune by several times . Having filled Florida , he then moved to Colorado to develop cheap ski areas . The lift tickets and condo prices weren 't cheap , of course , just the construction . She continued to hold my hand , but looked down at the table , avoiding my eyes . I was at last beginning to sense a problem and started to take interest in something other than food . But I found it hard to concentrate . Instead of blue eyes and an oval face , tanned to the color of dark sand and framed by short blonde hair , I saw the dark eyes of Mrs . Jacklyn . I hadn 't even considered that it might be my fault . " Is there something I can do ? " I asked . " Anything ? " More a plea than a question . I looked at her , studied her face . She fiddled with the ends of her blonde hair nervously . Her eyes darted around , avoiding me , furtive blue orbs seeking a hiding place . She was living with him ! That meant … I didn 't really want to picture in my mind exactly what that meant . There was suddenly an ache deep inside and I wasn 't sure if it was in my heart or lower down . She frowned . " Richard , you 're sweet , but so naive . John is much more a man of the world than you are . And he 's finished college and is in law school , even though he 's two years younger than you . " I didn 't know what to say . My tongue wouldn 't move . I couldn 't breathe well . I was naive . I wasn 't a man of the world . Of course , with more cooperation from Rosalyn I could have qualified as more of a man of the world . I was still too stunned to say much . She threw a twenty - dollar bill on the table . " Here , this should cover lunch , since I did invite you . " Now my senses were fully alert and I could detect the trace of scorn in her voice . I was still staring at the door when my lunch arrived . I kept picturing her and this John Rogers - a vague , faceless man in a double - breasted three - piece suit ( or maybe without the suit ) - and it made me too nauseated to eat a thing . My head reeling , I staggered out of the restaurant , leaving the twenty - dollar bill on the table to pay for lunch . The waitress ended up with a generous tip . I had spent three years in the Marines prior to college . When I graduated from high school , I didn 't have the faintest idea about what I wanted to do with my life , so , thinking I was one of the " few good men , " I joined up . In boot camp I quickly discovered that I had no real talent for war . I never could quite catch on to hand - to - hand combat ; using a gun or knife was usually more dangerous to me than to my opponent , and there was no way in the world I could focus my eyes on anything before nine o ' clock in the morning . The Marines had this bad habit of trying to awaken me hours before that . They didn 't send me home , but my sergeant , feeling pity for either me or the Marines , managed to get me a tryout for the Marine band . I made it with ease . I could play a trumpet then and I still could play one now . My late arrival to college life was not the only reason I was still here . There were at least two other reasons . For one thing , I liked college life . I liked the parties , the football games , even the classes , most of them anyway . Unfortunately , I didn 't like any of the classes enough . That was the second reason . I still couldn 't decide what I wanted to do when I finished this thing called a formal education . I had taken enough courses to graduate , but not the right ones , and only this semester had I declared a major of aerospace engineering , but that was because I had to , not because it was the unwavering ambition of my life . The truth was , if you could get me to admit it , there were two goals far stronger than my desire to pursue aerospace engineering . My first was to shack up with Mrs . Jacklyn , which tells you two more things : one , I was an unrealistic pie - in - the - sky dreamer ( she never even said hello to me outside class , and besides , she apparently was married ) , and secondly , maybe I wasn 't as crushed at being dumped an hour before , as I first thought . Angry , yes . Embarrassed , sure . Hurt , of course . But not crushed because I 'd lost the love of my life . I would have dumped Rosalyn in a second for a chance at Mrs . Jacklyn . My other goal was to play the trumpet . I did , of course , play in the University of Colorado band , but that was for fun , not for money . Given a choice , playing a trumpet for money would be my choice for a profession , not engineering , but I didn 't have the confidence , nor did I have the courage to go against my father 's wishes that I graduate from college with some kind of useful degree . I had to admit that my father had been extremely understanding throughout this school process . He was becoming a bit frustrated , but still sent a little money each month . I was wondering whether to call and ask for it early when I noticed that my feet had taken me to the mathematics building . Mrs . Jacklyn was in her office on the third floor . Since she was a graduate student , it was no more of an office than my room was an apartment . A small metal desk , a metal chair , and a bookcase , all crammed into a six - foot - by - six - foot space . She was leaning back in that metal chair , a fancy new electronic pad on her lap , her long legs propped up on the desk , where her laptop was open . Her short skirt was above her knees , and I had trouble remembering why I had come . " Can I help you ? " she asked . She was probably younger than I was , but the difference in our achievement levels was immense . She was a graduate assistant working on her Ph . D . in theoretical mathematics , with a thesis having something to do with topography . She was also married . I was a junior ( at best ) , and I was … well , you know . At this point , my only wish was to be somewhere else . Anywhere else . I would rather be trapped in a room with Thaddeus Rumpkin than be here with Mrs . Jacklyn . My bike had been parked right outside the math building , chained to the bike rack with a lock worth three times the bike itself . It evidently wasn 't strong enough , though why anyone would bother with my old heap in a sea of glistening new fifteen - speeds is a question without an obvious answer . But someone did . It was gone , the lock cut in half and lying on the ground . The way the day had gone , I knew it was time to give up . There wasn 't any point in reporting the loss to the cops . Bicycle thefts were hard to solve . In fact , I had never heard of a stolen bike being recovered in usable condition , though I 'm sure it had happened somewhere in the world at some time in history . I walked home slowly . My mind was busy as I walked , none of the thoughts happy ones . This morning I had missed a math quiz , flunked my Mechanics I midterm , and bounced my grocery check . At lunch I was dumped . A few minutes before , I had been thrown out of Mrs . Jacklyn 's office , and now my bike was gone . And the thirty - dollar lock was worthless . I threw it in a trash can at the corner of University Avenue and Bernard Street . What had the thief used to cut my lock ? A giant metal cutter from the hardware store ? Not an easy thing to hide under your shirt . I was tired , sweaty , and irritable when I reached the Dreamy Isle Apartments . My only dream was to start the day over . Instead , what I had to look forward to was walking Genghis Khan . I couldn 't avoid it this time . I had to stay on Mrs . Lafferty 's good side . As I walked into the foyer , Khan was bobbing up the stairs toward the second floor . It could only mean one thing . He was heading for the Ghoul 's room . I dropped my books on the foyer table and gave chase . He appeared to be moving slowly , but appearances are often deceiving . I was no match for the old bulldog in stair climbing . He reached the second floor before I was halfway up , then made the turn and headed for the stairs to the third floor . Here , on a level surface , I almost caught him , but he found a burst of energy from somewhere and left me behind . Given how the rest of the day had gone , I shouldn 't have been surprised when Khan hit the door of the Ghoul 's apartment with his head and it bounced open . Mrs . Lafferty had not spent a great deal of money on door latches and locks when she renovated ; they were all from the late eighteen hundreds , when the house was built . Most were rusted and barely latched . The Ghoul 's was no exception . I caught up with him and grabbed for his collar . He bolted straight ahead … for the shower . I leaped after him , realizing subconsciously that there was something wrong with it ; it was shimmering , out of focus , the back wall just a blur . Robert B . Marcus Jr . is a practicing radiation oncology physician . He has been a Professor at two major medical schools , and is listed in U . S . News and World Reports Best Doctors in America , as well as Castle Connolly 's Top Cancer Doctors and Castle Connolly 's Top Doctors in America . He has been president of FLASCO , the society of all the oncologists in Florida , and has authored or co - authored almost 200 medical journal articles and chapters . He has been selling fiction since he was in college . Since then he has published a number of novelettes and short stories and three novels , with two forthcoming novels , one a paranormal romance ( The Haunting of Scott Remington ) and another political thriller novel ( Yesterday 's Tears ) . He is a lifetime active member of Science Fiction Writers of America and recently became a member of the International Thriller Writers , Inc . ReadingAddictionVBTBlitzes are 20 % Off All Summer Long ! Any Blitz Booked and Taking Place between May - September ! Use Code : SummerBlitzDo you have a Novel FREE or Available on KU this Summer ? 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Fear Between the two lovers , who were separated by a numerous quantity of miles , it was hard for there to not be an element of fear . Days had separated their last sight of one another , the last time they heard their words . Outcomes were still unknown . Questions remained unanswered . Thoughts still racing . The Feng Aang and Katara had now gone five days since their last talk ended in his yelling at her in a debate over whether or not he should have taken Ozai 's life . Aang 's last week with Katara didn 't go well at all . He kissed her without realizing her true confusion , something he didn 't get until it was too late . What was done had been done . Not to mention that he had run away from it all . What could she think of me ? However , he didn 't have Katara right there with him , leaving him the bigger question . Is she okay ? Please let her be okay . . . please . . . I couldn 't stand to lose her . . . All he could do was just look out the window . He had been lent some fresh clothing by Zhito : A small sleeping robe worn by young recruits , and a pair of black and yellow boots , similar to those worn by Zuko . As the Capital approached , all Aang could do was watch the ship continue to float over the large expanse of water . They were still several hours away from their destination , likely not arriving until later that night . His fears weighed heavily on his mind , cancelling out the joy that surrounded his victory over Ozai . He feared . . . for her . Aang made his way out to the cockpit . The sun had barely risen , but its first pieces of light were shining into the mighty Feng . Zhito returned to the controls after taking some time to sleep , which had resulted in Suki controlling the ship the day before . Things went well . " I couldn 't sleep well at all , Zhito . I have so much on my mind , now that I have beaten Ozai . Sokka filled me in on what I missed . So I 'm a little worried about things . However , there 's one thing that 's really bothering me . " " Well , before I fought the Fire Lord . . . I sort of left someone behind . This girl . . . I . . . love her . However , I sort of . . . " he gulped . " . . . Sort of ran away from her , and everything . I was so scared about this fight and what to do . Now , I feel so stupid for what I did . More than that ; I don 't even know if she survived the Comet . " " Yeah . . . she is . She 's amazing ! She 's an incredible Waterbender . She taught me most of what I know about it . I know she is , I just . . . haven 't seen her . So I 'm so scared for her . " " Your friend sounds familiar to me . The rumored last Waterbender of the Southern Water Tribe . I have heard of her . The name escapes me , however . " " Ah , yes , that 's it . She 's a master , apparently . I don 't think you 'll have too much to worry about with her survival . She can hold off many people very well . " " Well , I can 't help you much there , as I don 't know much of her relationship with you . " Zhito looked to suddenly see some storm clouds approaching from the west . A storm system was dropping down in their direction and the Capital 's . " Looks like we 're going to have some trouble . I apologize , Avatar . I 'll have to retain my focus now . " " I understand , Zhito . " Aang walked away from the Commander and returned to his room , his love still on his mind . As he saw the storm clouds , he couldn 't help but be reminded of that first time he opened up to her , in the middle of a firelit cave . The first time she truly understood him , and the first time he felt so close to her . The Capital Katara woke up to an unpleasant sight , having just fallen asleep a few hours ago after being up most of the night . She could hear the thunder clapping and the rain pouring down outside the Royal Palace . " Great , cruddy weather . Just what I needed to see , " she mumbled to herself . Not sure of the whereabouts of the storm , she feared greatly for the rest of the Gaang . What if they get caught in this ? I hope this storm isn 't going this far . . . After re - doing her hair in her bun , she replaced her hair loopies . Her tired eyes looked outside at the pouring rain . She placed on her black cloak that she had acquired prior to attacking the Southern Raiders , and placed the hood up over her long brown hair . " I 'll be fine . " With that , the Waterbender stepped outside the palace , her footsteps trudging in the rain . She searched the Capital desperately for any sign of an airship , any sign of her brother , her friends , and him . Her search came back fruitless . They were all still out there , flying through possibly a storm themselves . Katara moved her head up to the stormy sky , where the rain poured down on her face like a waterfall . It was some of the heaviest rain she had seen . Her look was sinking into great sadness and fear , as she realized that the rest of the Gaang was nowhere to be seen . She then saw a lightning strike . Like the lightning with struck in the Crystal Catacombs . Katara closed her eyes , and the scene played out in front of her , like she had gone back somehow to the very day , and was watching it happen . She saw Aang rise above the ground , eyes and tattoos aglow , ready to save her . Then , came the lightning . Aang quickly lost his consciousness , his breath , everything . She broke down in tears , and then quickly wiped out her octopus form , changing it to a wave that she rode in an attempt to catch him . She remembered wiping out the then - traitor Zuko , and all the Dai Li agents that blocked her path . You did it once . . . Her thoughts took over from the flashback . She dropped to the ground in the pouring rain , her knees coming first . Her agony became vocal . " You can 't . . . just . . . you CAN ' T DO IT AGAIN ! " The tears began to flow from her eyes . She felt the combination of teardrops and raindrops rushing down , hitting the ground . Her eyes became flooded . " Spirits . . . please ! Don 't take him from me AGAIN ! " They were the same words she echoed in a troublesome sleep just two nights ago . " Zuko . . . I don 't know . I 'm so scared . . . between his outcome still in doubt . . . and now this storm . . . I don 't know ! Will he come back ? Will they come back ? I 'm just so . . . unsure ! I wish I went with him . . . I wish I didn 't chase him away . . . look what I 've done . . . " Aang , if only I understood . I didn 't . I let you go away from me . Now I don 't know where you are . Just . . . come back . . . please . I 'm so sorry if I took you the wrong way . You 're my life . . . you complete me . You 've come so far . I can 't lose you now ! Please , Aang ! I love you . . . more than you 'll ever know ! Turbulence Commander Zhito was facing his first dangerous situation as a pilot . He had never traveled in a storm . " Attention ! All engineers below ! Slow it down a little down there ! We 're going to have to be careful ! " " We have a storm ! You all shouldn 't really be here right now ; I need to be focused ! This storm looks pretty ugly ! " Zhito yelled back to the pair , trying to guide the Feng through the storm . " I guess that 's not the case anymore , " Suki pointed out , taking Sokka and Toph out of the cockpit . " Come on , we have to make sure we 're safe . I 've never flown through a storm before . " In his room , Aang meditated , trying to shut out the impacts the storm was having on the Feng . However , he found this hard , as all he could think of was her . His apology was echoing through his thoughts . Katara . . . you were confused . . . so scared , and I moved too fast . Why did I do that ? Then I abandoned you . . . I ran away instead of listening . . . I should have talked it out , but my anger and confusion got the best of me . I hurt you Katara , I know I did . . . I love you . . . I don 't want to hurt you . If you 're still around , I just hope you know how sorry I am . . . " Just try and stay safe . Zhito 's going to do all he can . You just have to hold on . It 's all any of us can do . " The storm started to get worse as they flew towards its center . They were not a long distance from the Fire Nation , but the trek 's time was now trending longer , as the storm prevented the ship from making further progress . The wind and rain forced the ship slower and off course . It began to shake , throwing its passengers around . " Wait ! Don 't you all remember ? " Toph pointed out . " I can keep you all safe . " She led them to the hallway , and bent out some metal . She trapped all four within , which would be enough to hold them tight for the moment . " It has to do for now , " Sokka said . They all stood as still as possible , as the outside storm continued to rage . Sokka and Suki stood closely next to each other , while Aang closed his eyes in his best attempt to meditate . " You know , the universe just keeps making this harder . . . " Sokka complained , after yet another obstacle kept them from being safe . " Well , stop making it so easy , " Toph yelled at him . A few hours passed as the storm continued . Zhito was working his hardest , pushing whatever buttons he needed , pulling levers , and maintaining a steady hand on the wheel . Suddenly , he could see the clearing ahead . However , the storm was still harsh . " Steady . . . " he said to himself , fighting the storm with all his piloting might . The Gaang remained in their metal holdings , hoping they would survive . " We 're going to make it guys ! We 've been through too much to lose now , " Sokka said with a fierce determination . " Hey , Boomerang Boy , what do you suggest to stop this storm ? " Toph yelled at him . " Aang , you have the Spirit World thing ! Why don 't you try something ? " Sokka asked him . " Sokka , it doesn 't exactly work that way ! I need a gateway to the Spirit World ! " Aang reminded him . The Gaang walked into the cockpit , where Zhito had regained control . The sun was visible again , now preparing to depart the horizon , leaving the moon to take over . The storm clouds continued to head east . The lingering showers helped create a beautiful rainbow , its seven colors only being so appropriate to signal the new found peace . The four cheered and came together in a group hug , now all safe . They had made it through the storm , and now were home safe to Zuko and Katara . Aang looked at the window , and managed to crack a smile . Katara . . . I 'm coming . Remember , we 're just like clouds . . . we can be dark and grey . But at the end of the storm . . . there 's always a rainbow . On the Feng The moon took over the horizon as the Gaang looked out the window to the calmed sea below . They were now less than an hour away from the Fire Nation Capital . Their long journey was almost over , ready to meet their friends again . . . or , in one case , even more . " Let me say this . . . it has been an honor to guide you to the Capital , " Zhito broke the silence . " I know that you guys did defeat my nation , but you are all brave young men and women , and also clearly advanced . For three teenagers to take out an entire Airship Fleet , and for one teenager , Avatar or not , to defeat Ozai . . . well , it takes a lot . I will swallow my pride and congratulate you all . " " It 's a high honor , Zhito , to be praised by the likes of you , " Sokka smiled at him . Zhito briefly took his hands off the wheel to shake all their hands . He returned to the controls to prepare for the final approach into the Capital . Aang still carried some nervousness , hoping that Katara still loved him , still cared for him . . . that is , if she won . . . Come on Aang , release your fear . . . . she won . Have faith ! The Capital Zuko and Katara looked at the night sky . " They should be arriving tonight , if I 'm correct , " Zuko said . " It 's been nearly three days since the Comet . " " What if they don 't come back tonight , Zuko ? My brother . . . Suki . . . Toph . . . Aang . . . " She couldn 't emphasize her love enough . Katara could only fear , knowing that he had the most difficult battle . The Phoenix King . Then came the storm . She paced the plaza , hoping for the best . She looked at her face in the puddles left behind from the storm . All she hoped was that her next sight would be her friends . . . her brother . . . then Aang . She tried to sit down , but she felt very uneasy . They all remained at - large , their outcomes in doubt . It was hard with news slow to move . In fact , there was still no news from Ba Sing Se . Rumors were spreading through the capital , all ranging from great victories for the Fire Nation to their devastating defeat . There was too much uncertainty . " We 'll be on the ground in five minutes ! " Zhito yelled to his passengers . " By the way , it 's in your best interests to leave these soldiers behind . I 'll help take care of them . " " Yeah . . . our old friends . . . " Aang said , his head figuratively in the clouds . He was focused on her again , a mix of happiness and nervousness . " This has been one heck of a journey , " Sokka said . " It 's over now . No more fighting . No more war . I 'm glad . Aang , Suki , Toph , you ready ? " " I am . Let 's go meet our friends , " Toph said . The blind Earthbender was satisfied with her present state . She had come from the shelter of her parents to being , essentially , a war hero . Aang had become a fully - realized Avatar . He was now up there with all of his past lives . Like Sokka had said , Gyatso would be proud of him . Reuniting In the Capital , the master Firebender and Waterbender were watching the night sky . They looked at the moon shining down , lighting up the Capital . Zuko stood steady , while Katara continued to pace the plaza . Zhito started to drop the ship 's altitude gradually , starting at the Gates of Azulon . He maintained enough height , however , to keep it on pace with the high mountain the Capital rested on . The ship 's flow was very smooth , with little turning needed , showing how skilled the veteran soldier was . At the capital , Katara 's eyes began to light up as the ship drew closer . " It 's got to be them ! " She told Zuko . Aang got highly nervous now . He began to sweat somewhat , nervous as to if Katara still liked him . He was glad Katara was alive , though . She 's safe . Thank you spirits . Now . . . does she still love me ? Zhito dropped the ship in front of the Royal Palace , as Katara and Zuko backed off . The landing went easily . The two saw the Feng in all of its might . " Sokka ! Suki ! Toph ! " Katara started to run , but decided to wait after seeing a problem with her brother . As they all approached her , she hugged all three . " Sokka . . . what 's wrong ? Why are you . . . " " Oh my goodness , Sokka , " she hugged him again . " I 'm just glad you 're still here . " She regained her smile , if only for a moment . They could only see each other . The rest of the world didn 't exist for those moments . Aang only took a couple of steps forward as Katara ran up to her hero , the tears flying from her face . She threw her arms around him , nearly knocking him over . She hugged him as tightly as she ever had . He returned the embrace warmly , welcoming her back into his life , and into his heart . Aang released his arms from her and turned around . Katara , however , followed this turn and kept her arms around him . Aang allowed one arm to rest around her upper back , his hand on her shoulder . " Does it matter ? You finally saved the world , Aang . We 're finally safe , " Katara smiled at him , and started to tear up . He 's not the goofy kid I found in the iceberg anymore . . . he 's so much more . Do I tell him . . . the truth ? " All right , " Zuko announced . " The Royal Palace is open . There is more than enough room for everyone to sleep tonight . Aang , I can find some better clothes for you . " The re - united Gaang retreated to the Royal Place , finally victorious , knowing that all was safe . All was finally settled . No more fireballs , no more coups , no more comets . The Talk After their simultaneous words , they each looked at each other . They tried to speak , but again , their words ran together . " You go first , " they each said . They then chucked a little awkwardly . " For all that I 've done in the past few days . Katara , look what I did . I tried to move our relationship too fast , by kissing you when you weren 't ready . You were confused and I didn 't even listen . You could have liked someone else for all I knew . " " I 'm not done , Katara . " His hands made it to his face , as he buried his look in them . Knowing he had to speak , he brought his hands to his lap , crossed . He dropped his head away from her look , now too regretful to even see her . " I ran away . Again . I 've left you so many times , and right before the biggest battle of my life , I left you . Who knows what fear I put into you . All because of my lack of desire to kill Ozai . I just left you . How could I have been so stupid ? " " I was so selfish , I didn 't even consider your feelings . I was all about myself . . . Katara . . . I 'm so sorry . . . . " He could feel tears coming on . Although he fought hard to hold them back , some trickled down the side of his face . Katara looked at him and placed a hand on his shoulder . " Aang . . . you didn 't have to do apologize . " Her voice dropped to a whisper . " In fact , if anyone needs to apologize , it 's me . " " Aang . . . listen . I don 't think I exactly helped matters out . I didn 't understand your struggle . I should have talked you , just us . I know what the Air Nomad way is , that all life is sacred . I should have been more calm with you too . I do wish you didn 't run , but , I never thought you were abandoning us . Of course I was worried about you , I had no way of knowing if you survived or not . I just should have understood you . I 'm sorry for that . " Aang 's head quickly dropped , in an apparent defeat . She doesn 't love me . . . after all that . . . he could feel his heart breaking like glass , as tears started to flow . " What ? You . . . don 't ? Katara . . . why ? " His look quickly changed from one of defeat to a mix of happiness but also confusion . He looked back up at her , and gazed into her crystal blue eyes . " You . . . love me ? " " I 've known it for a while , Aang . When I first found you , I thought of you as a friend . However , you became more than that to me over time . I saw you grow up so fast , became so duty - driven , ready to take on the world . I knew you loved me as well , for a while . I got confused . . . . because I didn 't want to lose you . I mean , I already lost you once , Aang . When you died for that short amount of time in Ba Sing Se . . . a part of me died . . . " her voice was whisper - quiet , only audible to him , as she sat close . She could feel tears coming on at the awful memory . " I didn 't want to be in a relationship with you , only to lose you again . It would have been devastating . When you were in that coma , I was hurting . I was so scared for you . I just . . . needed peace . I 've suffered so much loss because of this war . I didn 't want to lose the person who I grew closest too , " she finished as she smiled at Aang , wrapping her arms around him . " All right , Katara . I can understand . You didn 't want me to be torn from you . You have lost a lot in this war . We all have seen a lot , just how tough it can be . You lost your mother , I lost my entire people , your father left you . . . it hasn 't been easy . " " Well , Aang . . . now it 's over . " She hugged him tightly , her tears becoming those of happiness again . He returned her hug . They fell into a trance , forgetting the rest of the world as they stared into each other 's eyes and rested their hands upon each other 's arms . They puckered up and interlocked their hands , like they did in the Cave of the Two Lovers . They only could see each other . With hearts beating , their lips began to interlock . Just as they kissed though , they heard footsteps . They looked outside to see Sokka , who was being helped through the palace by Suki . " Well . . . I was just wondering how you two were doing , " Sokka said . You 'd better not have tried anything with my sister . He grew a slightly angry look at Aang . " It 's okay , Aang . I just don 't know what 's with Sokka . Don 't worry about it though , Aang . I love you , and that 's all that matters , " she said , and she kissed him on the cheek . He followed this with a kiss to her cheek , leaving her slightly blushing . " All right , what exactly are we looking for though ? " Zuko said , an apparent look of worry and distraction on his face . " My father and sister may be beaten , but we don 't know if Uncle and the Order of the White Lotus took back Ba Sing Se . For all we know , the War could still be going . " " I don 't think so , Zuko , " said Aang , with Katara by his side . " From what I was told , the Order had some very powerful benders . I think that we 're going to be alright , " he smiled , a look of hope on his face . " Still , Ozai and Azula are defeated . So , we need to talk . If Ba Sing Se is indeed liberated , the War is over , and then we focus on rebuilding and peace . The Fire Nation will need a new Fire Lord , " Aang responded . Zuko thought back to the words that Iroh told him a couple of days earlier , that he would have to be the new Fire Lord . It has to be you , Prince Zuko . . . the words echoed through him , loud and clear as a sunny day . Zuko buried his hands in his face . " Yeah , " Toph followed . " You 've redeemed your honor by joining us , you helped us save the world , plus , you kind of were supposed to be the next guy in line , anyway . So . . . why not do it ? " " It 's not that easy , " Zuko picked his head up and finally responded . " Even if I truly wanted to become the next Fire Lord , the Fire Sages would have to decide it . Technically , I 'm still labeled as a tratior by my father . They would have to grant me amnesty , then decide if I am ready to take over the nation or not . " " Katara , without him in power , the Fire Sages currently control the nation , but all of his rules , laws , decrees , everything , they all still remain in effect . They would have to reverse my status as a traitor . You wouldn 't want a traitor to be the leader of your nation , would you ? It all rests on them , " Zuko looked at all of Team Avatar . The Prince fell silent as his thoughts began to race . Am I ready ? I 'm still only sixteen . . . but . . . Uncle believes I should . . . have I . . . ? " Zuko , you can do this ! Remember what your Uncle told you . You satisfied your destiny , we all think you 've redeemed yourself . You have your honor back . You should become Fire Lord , " Katara said as the remainder of the Gaang gestured in agreement with nods and smiles . " You 're ready to lead . " " I have had my doubts about you in the past for obvious reasons , " Suki remarked , thinking back to when he attacked Kyoshi Island . " I can see though that you have changed , and you have helped save the world . It 's only fitting that you do take the position as Fire Lord . . . help the world re - build . " " We 'll re - unite the world . . . together , " Aang smiled at him . " The Avatar and the Fire Lord . Just as Roku would want it . " " Roku . . . " Zuko trailed off into his thoughts . He remembered how Iroh told him his secret relative , that he did not even know . Sozin was your great - grandfather on your father 's side . . . but your mother 's great - grandfather was Roku . " I . . . I can do this . Fulfill my destiny . . . . my true fate . Help the Avatar restore balance . " " I 'll do it . I 'll become the Fire Lord . " Zuko stood tall and smiled . He was soon surrounded by a group hug , which , this time , he was not too shy to participate in . Team Avatar was back together . It was almost time to move on to the next step . Tasks had been done . There was still one more battle outstanding , however . . . . Author 's Notes A storm . Of course ! This adds to some of the ( Kata ) angst . Also helps to trigger memories . Plus , as a weather geek and hopeful meteorologist . . . yeah . : p Wikia is a free - to - use site that makes money from advertising . We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers Wikia is not accessible if you 've made further modifications . Remove the custom ad blocker rule ( s ) and the page will load as expected . Categories : |
I wanted to write that last blog post so I could get it off my chest and be able to write about my regular life , but somehow I still haven 't done that . It 's hard ! And now we are getting to a difficult time of year . But I just have to share my gratitude I feel at this very moment . It 's times like this I don 't want to forget , which is so easy to do . I started my new job as the Assistant to Executive Director of the Center for Digital Antiquity at ASU on October 14 , 2013 . It was bitter - sweet leaving UVU after 7 . 5 years . I cannot believe I really worked there that long ! I will forever be grateful for my job at UVU with the Behavioral Science department . I couldn 't have hand picked a better supervisor or coworkers for me . Especially with all the hard things I went through during my 3 years in that department . They were extremely flexible and understanding when I needed / wanted to fly home to Arizona or just needed a day off because I was sad . I love them ! My last day at UVU was October 9 and that same afternoon we drove to Arizona . It was crazy . That was a Wednesday and I started at ASU on a Monday . Brady drove back to Utah solo on that Sunday . We have been lucky enough to see each other every 2 weeks or so , which has been so great . I don 't know if I could handle everything without him . Our biggest life saver is FaceTime ! ! Between Brady 's different trips to Arizona , he has landed a position as a Commercial Investment Broker with Marcus and Millichap . It 's been hard work ! Several interviews , tests , new suit ( not so hard ! ) and countless emails and phone calls . I 'm so proud of him and super excited for him to get here and start his new career ! Thanksgiving is on Thursday and it 's hard to take in . I don 't like thinking about just one year ago our family was doing family pictures at my grandma 's house and my dad was there . I miss him so much . The holidays this year are not going to be easy . I 've learned to not push myself into doing things I just plain don 't feel like doing . . . and that 's okay ! Well anyway , that 's my little grateful heart 's story . I 'm blessed . Living with my mom has been so great too . I think 2014 is going to be a good year for our family . I 'm not really sure how to start this post , but I know I need to . The last couple of weeks I have been feeling a sort of nudge to write , but not just anything . It needs to be this specific post . It almost seems like I have to address the elephant in the room before I can post anything " normal " again . But I really don 't feels like talking about this elephant . The elephant is fine to be in the room . . . why do we need to talk about it ? It 's not bothering me so why do I need to disturb it and stir things up ? Well , I have other things I want to talk about , but until the elephant is gone , I can 't . You know what I think it is ? It 's this upcoming conference weekend . Last April conference was the hardest weekend of my life . And that 's no exaggeration . Shelley and Keri were at my house for the weekend and the weather was beautiful . My dad had been having some issues and needed to go to the hospice hospital . They transported him there , and my mom told us everything would be ok and he was fine . But in our hearts ( I think my whole family ) we knew it was time to come home . Very early Sunday morning my mom called and talked to me , Shelley and Emily all at the same time . She said things were not well and we would need to plan on coming home in the next week or so . Dad would be coming home that night . She wanted us to enjoy conference and really listen to and feel the spirit . I was sick to my stomach , but I agreed to try and enjoy conference . Between sessions , my mom and I were texting trying to figure out flights and such . I asked her if we should just get in the car and drive home right then . She replied " yes . " This is when I knew it was time . This is when I couldn 't control myself . My thoughts were going wild . I was a mess . How do you pack knowing you need to choose an outfit for your own father 's funeral ? I didn 't want to even think about that , but I had to . Shelley drove home to pack and half an hour later we drove down to Provo to pick her up . We were on our way . Emily was flying in from somewhere else . We listened to conference in the car , but that only lasted 2 hours . We still had 8 more hours of driving . . . of thinking . We finally got home to AZ around 11 : 00 PM . I had been feeling ok , but the moment I walked through the door I broke down . The spirit was so strong in our house , but it was a different sort of spirit . One I had never felt before . It was like a protection of some sort . Our family room felt protected and guarded from the world . I didn 't realize it at that very moment , but now I know why . It felt like a temple . Brady and I brought home our tempurpedic mattress topper and put it in the family room so we could all have a place to rest together . We all stayed in that room for the night , dozing off here and there . I was scared . I had never experienced anything like this before and I honestly didn 't know what to expect . Our whole family was around his side . We told him how much we love him and asked him not to leave us . The spirit was so strong and the sun rise was beautiful . It was peaceful and I know he waited for that very moment to go . He literally did everything in his power to stay here with us . I know he wanted to be here so badly . The spirit was with our whole family that week . We were comforted and felt so much love . I could literally feel the difference when the prayers started to lessen . So why did I need to write this ? What 's the point ? Am I looking for sympathy ? No . I don 't know why I needed to . But it feels better to get it out . I miss my dad like nothing I 've ever missed before . It hurts my heart . I had a dream last night that I was a little girl , probably around 9 . We were living in our old house and I was riding my bike in the cul de sac . My dad was in the front yard and I was so extremely happy . It felt so real . . . . because that is exactly how my life was . My dad was always there . No matter what ! As you may know , I 've been applying and interviewing for jobs in Arizona . It 's time to move home . I 've missed my dad immensely in this process , as he was my favorite person to talk to about jobs and interviewing and my future . He was my biggest supporter and always had the best advice . I still keep his advice , but I wish so badly I could call him and tell him all about my interviews ! It still doesn 't feel real . It feels like I will still be living in Utah and Brady and I will pack up for Thanksgiving and head home for all of our family traditions . Feels like my dad will be siting there in his chair , taking a nap or asking me if I want to play scrabble . Yes , dad I do want to play scrabble with you ! Nothing makes the pain or the grief easier . I never knew or felt like my dad was in any pain , because he never made mention of it . If he did , I knew it was serious . Even when he was home on hospice , he seemed just fine to me . My knowledge of eternal families is what keeps me going . I KNOW I will see him again and I KNOW we will be together forever . I know when I pass away , he will be there waiting for me with his cute smile and a huge hug . I cannot wait ! I 've been so blessed in my life . I have an amazing husband who is an absolute rock and huge support to my entire family . I am so grateful for the gospel and for my testimony . I 'm grateful for the example my dad was to me and I hope to be more like him and his missionary work . I 've felt him close and know he loves me and wants the very best for me . I know my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me so much . Christ knows the feelings and the pain I have . All the blessings I have are because of them . They really do want me to be happy and live a wonderful life . I will always miss my dad , but I am happy . I love this video below . This explains perfectly why my dad worked so hard . It was all for us - his family ! He is the best example of hard work and putting your family first . Ok , I can write this . I can do it . My hands are sweating and my stomach is turning , but I can write this . Where to start ? I 've wanted to update my blog for a while now , but subconsciously or maybe consciously , I keep putting it aside and avoiding the subject . I don 't like thinking about it really , but I feel a sense or a need to record what 's going on with my family and my life right this very moment . Let 's start from the beginning . When I was 11 , my dad had a seizure in the middle of the night . My mom didn 't think much of it , but my dad went to the doctor since he was feeling really tired and a little sick . The doctor told him he had a brain tumor and required surgery the next day . Pretty much a life and death situation . Five kids under 12 , including a 10 month old baby . I really didn 't understand the seriousness of the situation at the time , but looking back I can 't believe how " normal " my life felt ! I was actually mad that I wasn 't going to be able to go to dance that night . Fast forward 13 years . My dad has had several brain surgeries and has done radiation , chemotherapy , steroids . . . all several times . On December 22 , Brady and I drove home for Christmas break . We left earlier than planned and I will be forever grateful that we did . I was able to spend that evening / night with my family . My dad sat me and Brady down in his room and had a very serious and personal talk about the tumors . Since Thanksgiving , he had become increasingly dizzy and was not able to walk on his own . We would do a sort of " train " walk where one is in front and one behind to help him go wherever he needed to in the house . That night , he went to bed and all was well . We were home for the break and we were excited to spend a week and a half with the family ! Around 5 : 30 in the morning of December 23 , I woke up to the scariest cry / scream coming from my mom on the other side of the house . I don 't know how I even heard her because I have been known to sleep through fire alarms . But I heard her so clearly , and woke up instantly . I woke up Brady and told him to hurry , it was my dad . He ran to their bedroom and he yelled back at me to call 911 . I called 911 for the first time ever , and spoke to the woman on the phone . I could hear the ambulance on its way as I was on the phone with her . I went in the room and helped my mom and held my dad 's hand . He squeezed it hard , but his face was blank . All of a sudden , my parent 's room was filled with paramedics , policemen and people everywhere . Shelley and Davis were in the room , but Chase was still asleep . Jackson and Emily were actually driving to Arizona at the time . Chase woke up and rushed down just to see my dad being taken away on a stretcher . What a site . I wish I could forget the pictures in my mind , but I just can 't . What had happened was my dad woke up and said he needed to use the bathroom . My mom told him to hold on just a minute and that she would help him walk over there . He told her he was going to do it himself , but my mom said no and got out of bed . Before she could reach him , he was stumbling and falling from being so dizzy . He fell and hit his head on the entertainment center in their bedroom . There was a gash in the back of his head that required staples . Anyway , my mom went in the ambulance with him and we all put some clothes on and drove to the hospital . An hour or so later , they had him in a room hooked up to all sorts of machines . Then he was transferred to his regular hospital in downtown Phoenix where he sees his brain doctor and such . The next two weeks were so hard . He was in the ICU for 4 days or so and had to have so many tests done . It was so hard , and having Christmas in the middle of it all made it even harder . My mom came home so early on Christmas morning and I helped her set everything up for my brothers , who are still pretty young . We each took turns staying the night at the hospital , and spent most of our days there . My siblings continued on with our Christmas traditions , but I couldn 't get myself to do anything but sit at the hospital . My mom was literally there for probably 18 hours a day . I requested additional time off from work and was able to stay a little longer . While my dad was in the hospital , he had 2 strokes , a huge blood clot , pneumonia , a UTI , rashes from allergic reactions and seriously anything else you can think of . A couple days before we left , we had him transferred to a rehab / nursing home type of place . It was not the nicest place , but it didn 't smell and it was a lot closer than the hospital ! We felt like we were making progress . The only problem was that my dad was so so sleepy . He wouldn 't wake up . I would shake him and say " Hi dad ! ! ! " " Merry Christmas dad ! ! ! ! ! " and get no response . It took all of his effort to even open his eyes a tiny bit . Some days he would seem to get better , then the next it would seem worse . One step forward , two steps back . Things went down hill from the rehab center . . . his organs started to shut down and things just weren 't right . He needed to go back to the hospital . He was transferred back via ambulance and we started the whole process all over again . He was in the hospital for about another 2 weeks . My mom was there again for 18 hours a day . She felt torn between being at the hospital , and being with my brothers . It was so hard and I wish I could 've just been there to at least take care of my brothers so she didn 't have to worry ! Things started to improve a little bit , and my mom decided to move him to a different rehab place that was actually attached to the hospital . That way if there were any more emergencies , he would already be at the hospital . I never went to this rehab place , but my mom says it was the worst . He had to share a room , and the workers were loud , there were prisoners everywhere and the nurses didn 't check on him regularly . It was horrible ! My mom couldn 't do it anymore . The only way she could bring him home , was on hospice . She decided this would be best for our family , and since she had been at the hospital for so long , she felt she would be able to take care of him . So everything was set up and ready to go . It seemed each " transfer " happened on a Friday , so we would have to wait the entire weekend which was no fun . Finally , the bed was set up , the supplies were delivered and my dad was sent home . Both he and my mom were so so ready to come home . My dad had lost his speech because of one of the strokes , but he would do a thumbs up and a few other signs to communicate with my mom and the nurses . He has been home over a month and a half now and my mom is the best nurse ! She literally does everything on her own . A nurse comes to bathe and shave him twice a week , and a medical nurse comes once a week to check on everything and see if my mom has any questions . I can 't believe how strong my mom is and how smart she is . She is a real RN ! I went home in February to help my mom and it 's so much work . I don 't know how she does it on her own . My siblings and I all went home for spring break and it was just great . My dad still does his thumbs up and a few other things . Sometimes he will have a random moment where speech will return and he will say things out of the blue . One day , I was helping my mom and my dad was pulling on his feeding tube . I told him he need not worry or mess with it and he asked me what it was . I explained to him that it was a feeding tube , and showed him the food and how it all worked . He then said " Let me see if I understand this correctly . . . " and proceeded to explain how it works back to me . It was amazing ! And it really is out of the blue . He is very aware and knows what is going on around him . When we were home for spring break , my goal was to get him in a wheel chair and take him on a walk outside . Well guess what . . . we did it ! ! We have a hoist that is kind of like a huge hammock and we were able to get him in and push him around . It was great to get him outside for some fresh air and a change of scenery . He is getting stronger every day from the physical therapy my mom and aunt do with him . He is still my funny dad and I love him so much ! Now here I am . . . back in Utah . I wish I could live in Arizona , but I just can 't right now . Brady is graduating in December ( YAY ! ! ) and then we will move home to Arizona . I know my dad is so proud of Brady and wants him to finish his degree right now and not put it off . This experience has been the hardest of my life . It 's so hard and even though my dad is still here , I miss being able to call and tell him little things that happened . Or have a missed call with a sweet voicemail from him . I 'm crying just thinking about it . . . but how grateful I am for the past times and our amazing relationship . I am still living my life and Brady and I are still doing fun things . That is what my dad always wants ! I will be home again in May and July . I 'm grateful that Allegiant has started flying from Provo to Mesa for so cheap ! : ) Saves time and money . I want to be able to post about my life and what is going on , but I felt I couldn 't do it until I got this off my chest . It feels good to write . Thanks for reading . |
Happy Sunday ! I have been meaning to write you all for a while , but then I got addicted to court television . I have been watching bootlegged clips off You Tube for Judge Judy , Judge Mathis , and Judge Milian . I realize that these " judges " in reality are really arbitrators , and I know that they may not be following the letter of the law to a T , but that 's not why I watch it . I watch it to see the judges ' line of questioning . It is interesting to watch people not only be willing to put their private business on television , but also straight up lie to the judges . I always love it when they are caught in lies . If you take emotion out of the equation and rely mainly on logic , it really isn 't so hard to catch someone in a lie . So last night I was watching Jonestown : Paradise Lost , on Netflix . For those of you that don 't have Netflix , how could you miss out on something so cheap and entertaining ? Just kidding , if you don 't have Netlix , you can find it on YouTube , aka YouBoob for free . Free is better than cheap ! And let 's keep it real : I was lucky . I was never sexually assaulted , and we were never poisoned / medicated . I am also lucky because I got out . I was able to leave and start my life over at a young age . With cults , it is largely misunderstood , because people blame you for getting involved and don 't understand the concept of vulnerability , mind control . combined with the desire to help others . Because I was there as a child and had no say in the matter , people are less judgmental towards me , but still look at me sideways and don 't understand what I am talking about , and I get it . This isn 't common in society , it is one of those things that exist in the underbelly of society , and still , no one really wants to talk about . Anyway , while watching the documentary , I felt like I was reliving my childhood . I grew up in the Bay Area in California , and Jim Jones had his Temple there for years before moving to Guyana . Our cult leader had been trying to build an isolated commune for years , and it almost because became a reality in New Mexico , isolated from others . Sharon Amos in the documentary reminded me very much of my own mother . Sharon Amos was married and had a child before joining the cult . She became one of the most zealous members , changed her name , and ended up killing her children . Her ex husband , although was not a part of the cult , tried to visit his only daughter . This was eerily similar to my situation . My mother was and still is a zealous member of the cult . To this day , my mother feels I betrayed her and has essentially turned her back on me . She has changed her name multiple times , and she basically stopped raising my brother and I when I was about 8 years old . Instead , she became a full - time , live - in servant for the cult leader . Before then she was a caring and wonderful mother . Since then , she has broken almost every promise she ever made to us , and would sell us out to the cultleader by any means necessary . I feel now it is best to just not even talk to her anymore , since there is no way I can tell her anything without her funneling information back into the group . While I was in the cult , the cult leader and my mother really did a fine number on turning my brother and I against our father . My father used to be in the cult , but left when I was about 13 . Once he left , he was allowed to see us , but only because he was paying child support and it was required by law . And my dad faithfully paid , but my mother took that money and gave it to the cult leader . What really gave me the creeps was watching Jim Jones talk to people . How he talked to people was pretty much exactly how our cult leader spoke to us . How he instructed his followers to answer to the media was pretty much exactly how we were instructed to talk to the press . It was always an " us vs . them " mentality . The whole world was against us , the classic battle of good vs . evil . We were the angels that were chosen to lead others into the path of God , while the rest of society needed guidance . Not only did they need guidance , but they were against us . I grew up thinking everyone that wasn 't in the group was full of " bad " energy , including my own family , which resulted in consequences that has taken years to work through . Lately I have been hearing stories from my friends about dumpster diving , and all the treasures that can be found . Am I the only one that refuses to dig through a dumpster ? I used to as a kid to collect soda cans to recycle , and that was disgusting enough . Shop owners would see me , a ten year old in their dumpsters , and feel sorry for me , thinking I was starving . I was just trying to save enough money to buy a nice aquarium . I did have a nice aquarium for a while . It was fun while it lasted . I used to cut out magazine pages for the background , and every trip to the fish store was a huge deal for me . Over three years ago , I found my first apartment , and was ready to live on my own for the first time in my life . Because accessing my place with a truck was so diffcult , and mattresses are so expensive , the only other alternative was to buy the mattress from the previous tenant . She seemed like a sweet person , and the apartment was clean , and the apartment manager encouraged me to buy the mattress . So , I bought the mattress . It took a couple of weeks for anything to happen , but then I slowly started to itch . It slowly got worse , and the itching got so bad that I had to find the source of the problem . I couldn 't take it anymore . My instincts just led me to the bed , and I took off the sheets , of the bed , and got to the mattress which was bloody . I was starting to feel sick to my stomach , so I decided to flip the mattress over , and saw the large bedbugs sitting there , with a huge new litter of newly birthed bugs crawling around . At that moment , I felt like I had been punched in the gut . I started to hyperventilate . I of course went to the managers / owners and they told me there was no way the previous tenant could have brought in bugs . They told me they could be anything , and I told them to see for themselves . They took some bugs to get tested , and voila ! I was right . After that day , I refused to sleep in my place . I was so lucky that my friend took me in . I lasted a total of two weeks in my new place , and have since not lived alone in a place I could call my own . Of course the managers tried to insinuate that I had brought them bugs . I told them to just give me back my deposit and I would leave , and never mention anything . I just wanted to get out of there . I begged them to let me leave immediately , but they refused . They could not understand why I was so hysterical . I had to leave my stuff there until they could heat treat the place , which was another week . Luckily they gave me my deposit back , and I got the fuck out of there . They could not understand why I wanted to move . Their reasoning was that since the problem was taken care of , I should just give them another chance , but that is not how bedbugs operate . They are hard to kill , and the psychological aspect of dealing with bedbugs is way worse than the physical aspect , and the physical part is torture too . I had over a hundred bites , that would not go away . It took three weeks and loads of Benadryl for things to calm down . I will buy clothing at Goodwill , but I will wash it and dry it in high heat to kill any possible bugs . But furniture is such a gamble . Televisions can harbor roaches , and beds and dressers are a hiding p After that experience , I got rid of over half of my belongings and vowed to become a minimalist . I now hate clutter , and don 't really buy things unless I need them . I enjoy not owning a lot of things . 1 ) Take it day by day , hour by hour , minute by minute , and second by second if you have to . If all you can do is shower and wash the dishes , that is okay . At least you did something . 2 ) When you are depressed , sometimes the motivational speeches will be of no help . Joel Osteen and Tony Robbins will tell you that you can just change your attitude magically , that you can simply choose to be happy . Just pray , just give it to God ! While it may be helpful and you can certainly do those things , the results won 't be instantaneous . Don 't beat yourself up if it takes a few days or weeks for things to get better . 3 ) I don 't think the Law of Attraction is helpful to people with anxiety and depression . Because basically what you are telling that person , is that it 's really their fault for feeling horrible . The Law of Attraction basically states that you reap what you manifest in your mind , and what you receive is a direct result of what you project in your mind . So if someone feels like shit and ends up not being able to get out of bed , that person brought it all upon him / herself . I think that is just full of shit . Though positive thinking can be helpful , and projecting good thoughts about your future is very healthy , things will come along in life that will fuck that up for you . Meaning things beyond your control happen . You could get into a car accident , or lose someone close to you , and you can 't control these things with the power of positive thinking . Positive thinking may push you closer to your goal , but it doesn 't allow you to have bad days . 5 ) Many self help gurus will harp on positive thinking , they don 't really get you to become one with your traumatizing thoughts . They want you to mask it , and pretend they don 't exist . It is usually therapists that will make you explore your dark thoughts and get you to talk about them . A motivational speaker will tell you that when you are experiencing depression or debilitating thoughts , that you should get up and do something . Tell yourself that you are not going to feel sad anymore , tell your depression to go away , and eventually it will . Or fight those feelings . Fighting feelings has always made me feel worse , and more of a failure . Once you fight feelings , they just get stronger . Feelings don 't go away just because you tell them to . They go away once you deal with them . and unfortunately , people in the self help industry that have a large following fail to mention this because it requires people to put in a lot of hard work and relive those emotions , and no one really wants to do that . People are so tired of their depression , the last thing they want to do is experience more of it , they want instant results , which is totally understandable , but it 's not how it usually works . 6 ) Things sometimes have to get worse before they get better . No one will ever tell you that once you begin your journey in healing yourself that things get worse before they get better , Sometimes they get way worse , Could you imagine paying someone to help you , and instead of seeing results , you feel worse and take a couple of steps back ? No one will warn you of that . And I think this discourages people , and they just stop . When I started to go on medication , I got way worse before I felt any relief . I lost my appetite for two weeks . I felt tired , and drunk , and miserable . But after two weeks of my body adjusting to the medication , I got my life back and started to feel better . When I first went into therapy , I had to talk about things that I couldn 't bring myself to talk about . I used to spend tons of hours crying on the couch . But eventually I got much better . 7 ) Depression is Cyclical . When you get better , you 're not going to be feeling better forever . because you will go back to having bad days . So , when you have your bad days , don 't be scared that you are falling into old patterns . The difference , is now you have better tools to help you navigate through your Depression , and can pick yourself up faster . 8 ) Some people say their depression was cured . That probably won 't happen for you . You may feel better for a while , and may be using your tools to cope better . But depression is an addiction . 10 ) I am not an addict , but it is my personal belief that people become addicts when they don 't know how to deal with their feelings in a healthy matter . If there weren 't such a stigma against addicts , I think they could really help people dealing with depression . They are extreme examples of what happens when depression is not dealt with , and when feelings are suppressed for a long time . I am very lazy , but I am also shy in the kitchen and I don 't like to cook for others . I only cook for close friends , and someone I am dating . So here are some of the tricks up my sleeve , as cooking can be considered a mating dance . My latest hobby has been watching " how to " YouTube videos on cooking , makeup tips , and shopping . Not only is it free , but it has really helped me in my journey of eating healthier . It really blows that I can 't eat all the sugar and carbs that I used to . Because I freaking love sugar and carbs , but I have to be extra careful because not only do those things make me feel depressed , but it makes me look knocked up . If weight were the only issue at hand , I would just work out more , but feeling like shit and wanting to cry is no longer worth the few minutes of pleasure and nostalgia I experience when eating my favorite desserts . Anywhooters , the latest trend is for vloggers to discuss 50 facts about themselves , but I will just keep it to 25 . I really don 't like to film myself . I don 't like the sound of my voice , so I wouldn 't force someone else to listen to it , but also I would end up doing something totally inappropriate on camera like thrusting the air , or pretending to hump furniture . Once I release that into the Interwebz , it 's out there forever , and what if I decide to run for office some day ? Or what if I decide to become a spiritual leader and become an important public figure ? If people are going to look up to me for spiritual and moral guidance , they don 't need to see my pelvis . What kind of example would I be setting ? Exactly . . . . . . . . . . . . . . So I will just blog about my random 25 facts . Normally you are supposed to tag people to take this challenge , but I do not believe in tagging others , I think it 's one way to lose friends . So , here are my fifty things , and I will try to make it snappy ! 4 ) I have also never purchased furniture of my own before . Actually , I did purchase a bed once when I rented an apartment , because it was already there . And it had bedbugs . That was three years ago , and I am still traumatized . 5 ) When I had bedbugs , it took two weeks to discover the source of my itching , and three weeks to get over the horrible bites that were all over my body once I discovered them ( I counted about 100 ) . The psychological drama of it is the worst , and you are lucky if you get over it after a couple of years . Plus no one wants to be near you . 8 ) I love to collect handbags , some from the store , but most from Goodwill . Because I love to purchase them so cheaply , I don 't wear them for long , and usually end up giving them away or donating them back . I love rotating through them quickly . 12 ) I have seen psychics and tarot card readers in the past based on recommendations from close family and friends . They raved how accurate the reader was . As for me , they were about 50 % right and 50 % wrong , which means that no one has accurately predicted anything for me in my future . I take that back , I did talk to one woman a few years back who gave me the best advice of all : It 's a reading based on the energy I am putting out at the moment , and she could be right or wrong in her predictions . She could tell me I could meet the man of my dreams , and it would still never happen and vice versa . Basically , it is still just a guess on my energy field at the moment , which is always changeable . I have since focused on just working towards my goals and letting the chips fall where they may . 13 ) I get told that I am way too sensitive . Sometimes I am told that I am way too nice , and I need to toughen up . I disagree . Some of the people I look up to most are extremely kind and empathetic and I strive to be like that , especially since they seem happier in general . I would rather be sensitive and have a heart , rather than have a tough exterior . 15 ) In dating , I don 't believe in " the nice guy " . The " nice guy " ends up being the worst of all , sort of like a wolf in harmless sheep 's clothing . I believe in a man with manners , a kind man , but the one that tells me that " he is just a nice guy " and " women only go for the bad boys " is one that tends to lack self confidence and feels that women owe him for any nice gesture he throws their way . 17 ) I don 't like the division that political parties creates in this country . I really don 't identify with any one particular party . I have a lot of beliefs from both sides , and it is so difficult to relate to once candidate in particular . 18 ) I once went out with a guy who ended up trying to convert me into a Scientologist . That makes for good blog fodder . Some of the things he told me , I don 't think I could even repeat . 19 ) I also once dated a guy who wanted to take me to the movies , give me flowers and a stuffed animal . And by flowers , a movie and a stuffed animal , I mean , he tried sneaking me into the theater via the exit , and plucked a flower for me out of the flower bed . Did I also mention that he gave me a stuffed animal he swiped from one of his nieces ? ( I would bet that it was probably one that he gave to his ex girlfriends , probably even a current one ) . After our " date " he tried making out with me in the parking lot . I don 't think he understood why I never returned any of his calls . Thank God , this was over a decade ago and I have learned a few things since then . 22 ) When I rented cars , we were required to wash cars in our nice dress clothes . Creepy men would stand there while us ladies washed the cars . One of the most interesting things I found in one of our cars was forceps and a garbage bag . My boss wanted to call him and tell him that we found his " vag opener " . 23 ) Of course , when you rent cars you will find the occasional sex toys and porn people leave behind . One genius left her dildo behind and we called her to tell her she left it behind and it was in our lost and found . She never called us back or swung by to pick it up . I wonder why ? 24 ) I once worked the night shift at a hotel desk for a few months . It was a good job , but a customer did manage to steal the cash drawer while he lured me away to check on a car . I also once had a guy invite me back to his room " just to talk " . He promised he wouldn 't cut me up and leave me by the river . How sweet and thoughtful , right ? 25 ) When I rented cars , my boss , word for word , would make me ask " Were you completely satisfied with my service ? " I had to stand there and say this to grown men who would end up smirking , blushing or turning red . I could barely keep a straight face myself . Bosses can sure be assholes sometimes . 2 ) You are allowed to have bad days , and you will . When that happens , just call it a day and go watch a movie or relax if you can . Remember that there are only 24 hours in a day . 5 ) Slow progress is still progress . I used to get so discouraged , but realized later that I will take any progress I get . It adds up over time . And before you know it , you will realize that you have come a long way . 6 ) Feelings are not facts . When you feel like shit , or feel like you are worthless , know that is just your mind talking , and you are not your mind . There are no facts . Let the thoughts run in one side part of your brain and out of the other . 9 ) When people tell you that something cured their depression instantly , take it with a grain of salt . I think depression is like an addiction . It gets better and maybe becomes dormant , but it 's always there and ready to wreak havoc in your life if you 're not careful . 10 ) Be open to suggestions and explore different options to ease your depression , but remember that no one person or thing has all of the answers for you . Rely on yourself and your intuition in getting better . Posted by Been a while since I 've blogged about my cult experience . Since today is Throwback Thursday , I decided I would go back in time , and talk about some of our strange beliefs we were forcefed . Here are ten of them in no particular order . And of course , I have way more , but I don 't have all day , so here they are . . . . . . . 1 ) Cats are bad energy . Dogs are good energy , so are lions and tigers , but the domesticated house cat was evil . If you liked cats , you had to keep that to yourself . 2 ) Whistling was bad energy , and so was blowing out candles on a birthday cake . Basically , the mouth was considered a source of evil ( Read the Bible talking about the evil tongue ) . So if you had a birthday cake with candles , you had to punch them out . I hated it . I hated that I had to work for my cake on my birthday . 3 ) We were not allowed to listen to the radio . The radio was bad energy too . We couldn 't listen to music in the house , it was absolute silence . We also had to play The Grand Cuntress ' tapes of chanting . So basically if we wanted music , we had to listen to her chanting . Over and over and over . 6 ) We were not allowed furniture , and we had to share bedrooms . There were 5 people in a master bedroom , or two people in a small room . If you didn 't like someone , that 's who you got paired up with . We slept on the floor in sleeping bags . 7 ) I was not allowed to receive mail at the house . If I had to get mail , I was had to receive it at the martial arts school we trained at . We were also not allowed to ever give out our phone number to the house before cell phones were common . 9 ) You had to write a journal once a week , preferably every day detailing our most intimate secrets . Were we horny ? Did we have a crush on someone ? Did we want to talk about traumatic experiences from the past ? Did we have weird fantasies ? She wanted to know it all . Every sordid detail . Not only that , but I really don 't like all the prep and clean up involved in creating a dish . In other words , just be happy that you aren 't married to me , okay ? Because I am cheap , fast and easy . . . . . In the kitchen that is . . . . . . . . . . So when I found the recipe below for these pancakes , I was totally tingly in my pants . I was a little skeptical , but I made them and was totally blown away . I loved them ! I did add a little bit of almond flour to thicken up the mix a little . But it was cheap , fast , easy and healthy ! I did add a lot of butter on it , and next time I will try it with honey . 2 ) That wonders what fellow church goers were doing the night before they showed up for the morning service ? Were they at the club ? Snorting coke ? Cooking dinner with their families ? Anyway , it was only a buck , and then I got my favorite crayons to match . Crayolas . The smell brings me right back to my childhood when I got Crayolas for Christmas . I won 't touch any other brand of crayons , everything smells like cheap wax , which is hilarious , considering I am not really loyal to any brand in particular of any other product . Just crayons . You know what also brings me back to the Eighties ? Starburst candies and Juicy Fruit gum . Recently a coworker brought Starburst to work , and I have been hoarding them . I eventually had to go buy more and replace them . But they are really juicy . I could tell you a story about how I stole a whole bag of Starburst from my teacher right under his nose in gradeschool . I ate them and everything right in front of him and he didn 't notice . Then he turned around and noticed they disappeared and frantically searched for them and I sat there and watched in silence . Have you ever wondered about your family background ? I get a mixed reaction out of people when I ask that questions . Some people want all the information they can get their hands on and spend lifetimes seeking it , while others don 't really have much interest . I want to know where my family has come from , and I have been lucky in getting that information for the most part . My mother 's side is all from Austria , and I have been in contact with them and visited the land of Mozart numerous times . My grandmother , aka Oma , didn 't speak English which forced me to learn German , since my mother didn 't teach me . My father 's side is American . His parents were born here in the US , and his mother 's side is American with roots that date back to this country and Canada for a couple of hundred years , and I have been lucky that my grandmother has been able to tell me a lot about her side of the family , and luckily it has been easy to trace through Ancestry . com . She is now in her nineties and her mother lived to be 102 , so I have been fortunate to hear stories from both of them , and that long life is in our bloodline . Growing up I have heard that my great - grandparents immigrated to this country through Ellis Island . However , when I looked through the database , their names and any variations of it could not be found . That was 6 years ago , and luckily my brother finally found the ship that they arrived on , but not much more . I guess that is a good starting point , which I should continue to follow - up on . My father 's sister has been very instrumental in providing me information to follow up on . She handed me down a lot of letters my great - grandmother used to write as well as correspondence between family members . A favorite past time of mine used to be googling their addresses to see where they lived and the surrounding areas via Google Maps . I had two addresses for my great - grandparents , yet when I typed them in neither of the places existed anymore . One addresses was newer apartments , while the other address was an empty lot . It kind of broke my heart a little . You hear stories from your family without being able to verify anything , not even the last places they spent the rest of their lives . A couple of weeks ago , my Aunt sent me an old picture of my great - grandma Paulina from Russia , probably one of the last pictures taken of her . Paulina and Morris did not have easy lives . They really embodied the immigrant experience of the turn of the century . Their family was run out of Russia for being Jewish , and some landed in Europe , while others like my great - grandparents ended up in the United States . They had five children and worked very hard . I wish I could say that they were a loving family and that their hard work paid off and that they were able to retire comfortably , but that wasn 't really the case . They struggled until the very end of their lives . But what they did do was get out of a country that didn 't want them anymore , and they survived . Sometimes that is all we can do , and we are lucky for it , even if that 's all we end up doing . From the stories I have heard , she was a little abrasive and feisty , a real ball - buster . She wore the pants in the family and really rode my great - grandpa hard . There really isn 't anything warm and fuzzy to say , but she was a survivor . Like I mentioned earlier , while they ended up here in the US , others ended up in Europe . I recently met my distant cousins in France , and it really is fascinating what you can find with a little research . And thank goodness for social media to keep us all in contact . I don 't know how I will return this dog to his owner when he comes back . I have fallen in love with this dog . It is hard for me to break down and get a pet of my own because I know how attached I can get , and I am really to afraid to lose my own pet . It 's a little less hard when that pet that you love belongs to someone else . That way in case anything happens , I can just think that the pet is still with it 's owner and I just haven 't seen it in a while . But on the other hand , I have come to the point in life where it is time to settle down a little bit , and I should start with a pet . I feel like a gypsy at heart . I have never lived in one place for more than four years , and the last time , I lived in one place for four years was twenty years ago . Not settling down reminds me of when I was in my twenties and had my whole life ahead of me . Settling down reminds me that I am getting older and that I don 't have all of the time in the world , and it 's running out and before you know it , I will old and gray . How are you ? I am thankful that I have today off for the Fourth of July weekend and I am dogsitting . It 's always nice to wake up to a pet in your bed . Especially a cuddly pet . I keep hearing the term " crossing over to the rainbow bridge " in relation to a cat 's passing . I don 't really hear that term used for a dog . So will someone please explain why it seems that cats have the exclusive use of the term ? I have a strictly - legal question regarding the same - sex ruling . Back around 2008 , I took an American Law class , and my professor said that cases regarding same - sex marriage will never reach the US Supreme Court because marriage was not discussed in the US Constitution , and therefore relegated to the states . He said that each state will have separate authority as to whether same - sex marriage will be allowed in their state , but because it is strictly a state issue , it will never reach the Supreme Court . Growing up in a cult with religious beliefs , I was raised that homosexuality was a sin . And I truly believed it . Of course I never really was outspoken about it ( Thank GOD ) but it was a firm belief of mine . I mean , honestly , I came from an environment where mental illness didn 't exist , I wasn 't allowed to watch TV or listen to the radio , you were punished for masturbation , humiliated for watching porn , and oral sex was considered a crime against the Universe ( seriously ) . With those guidelines , where do you think homosexuality would rank ? My point exactly . Once I could put that label on what I was feeling , I could feel more compassion for others . I lived a lifestyle different from mainstream society in a cult . People always looked at us as freaks . It was so awkward growing up to know that the neighbors were always watching us and ready to report us for any little violation . Someone even decided to call Child Protective Services on us , and the school knew about our business . I felt isolated and laughed at . Who I was I to judge someone for going against the grain , so to speak ? So what is new ? This time of year is the worst here in South Florida . If you hate the words , " damp " and " moist " , you 'll hate summers here . It is hotter than the She - Devil 's boob sweat . There are a lot of pluses of living here , but summer is not one of them . This heat causes people to lose their damn minds , and not only a the people incompetent on the road , but road rage is real . Back in CA , people do flip eachother off on the roads . Here in South Florida , I really almost never see it , people not only . have tinted windows , making it harder to see the offender , but a lot of people pack heat down here As you know , I battle depression , and though I take medication , I still have days where I want to hibernate into a hole and shut the world out , like yesterday , for example . Getting up in the mornings is truly a battle , and cleaning up my clutter seems like an unbearable task . Anyone that has depression knows really well how much of an uphill battle it is . Not only is the medical field lacking in services , but it is still taboo to the public , even though there has been improvement lately . There is still a long way to go . Growing up in a cult , based on religion , spirituality with an extra serving of narcissism , mental conditions simply did not exist . Instead , they were " energy problems " . No way we could be struggling with depression , we simply weren 't meditating enough or chanting or thinking about our supreme Grand Mistress enough . If we simply were more dedicated to her teachings , I would feel better . It didn 't even begin to cross my mind that I had depression until I moved away to college . In college , one day my body completely shut down and I couldn 't even eat food or sleep properly , I would throw up everything I ate , and I couldn 't sleep . I also wanted to cry all the time . I didn 't have a mental breakdown where I lost my shit on people or yelled at them . I didn 't shave my head in public or act irrationally , I was still very polite and articulate , but I think most of the public equates mental illness with batshit crazy antics . I know I did until I understood my condition better . Anyway , I went to the student counselor and they let me get a medical drop and prescribed me medication . I had to see the school psychiatrist , and really disliked him . I just wanted some compassion , and zero shits were given . He wrote me a prescription I never used because I didn 't believe I really had a medical condition . As far as I could see , some asshole hired by the school decided I had anxiety and depression by reading a book in front of me and sent me on my merry way . I just went home for a week . I called Grand Mistress and told her I was suffering , and she let me stay with her for a week . Luckily she was kind to me , and she talked it out with me . Once in a blue moon she would let me stay with her during my darkest hours , but later down the road she would always lord that fact over my head and call me ungrateful when I didn 't agree with something she said . Living under her thumb was like a charming person punching you in the face , but also administering ice to your wound and telling you how much they want you to get better . So later down the road when you are better , they tell people that they were the only person there for you when no one else was . That she offered her place to me and fed me and look how I repaid her ! She was there for me when I was suicidal for crying out loud ! She would actually tell this to people . But what she doesn 't tell people , is that I was really never suicidal and didn 't want to harm myself . She pretty much lied about that . She created an isolating environment while I was growing up , which fostered anxiety and depression . My family and friends would have offered me support , but my mother was devoted to caring for her fulltime and stopped raising me after I turned nine and my father was turned against me . My family was never really allowed to see me , as it was made very difficult . I was also not allowed to have friends in school . So yes , all of my resources were taken away , so when things got really bad to where I could barely function The Krazy Korean would talk to me on the phone or take me shopping or make me feel better . So when I felt better , she would tell everyone what she did . and everyone else would tell me how lucky and spoiled I am . I left that environment when I was almost 26 , and I didn 't actually admit to having depression until I was 27 and seeing a psychiatrist for clearance for government position to carry a gun . In addition to all of the physical and health tests I had to go through , I also had to get mental health screening . That was a blessing for me because the psychiatrist was very compassionate and told me that my symptoms were normal for someone that lived in the environment he did . He counseled veterans from the Iraq war , and said my symptoms were very similar to those people , He warned that I would need treatment to live a happier and more successful life . Also , on the flip side , I am more understanding of people that tell me to think happy thoughts or tell me how I should just get over this condition . As annoying as it can be , it is usually with good intentions , and I used to be one of those people until I had to deal with this myself . It 's kinda funny how life works sometimes , doesn 't it ? I am still dogsitting . Speaking of which , the dog stinks and I need to give him a bath . I really do . He is cute but I like giving baths as much as he likes receiving them . Mutual contempt , lol . I usually don 't like to talk about politics and things being reported in the media , because I really don 't identify with any political party in particular . I take what I like from each party and leave what I don 't like , and come up with my own party , where everyone is free to drink . Which means , I just keep my thoughts to myself and listen to the opinions of others . Except today . Today I am just gonna come out and say that most of our news is total bullshit . I can 't take it anymore . Not only is the media incredibly biased in both directions and full of advertisements , but I am so tired of what is being reported . 1 ) Donald Trump is running for president and this time he is serious . Isn 't the government bought out enough ? I respect his success in business , but he has been portrayed as a total asshole on reality TV . Is this what the US has gotten to ? A reality TV star running our country ? Will he keep that merkin on his head at the inaugural ball ? 2 ) Caitlyn Jenner and the Kardashian clan . I am all for people becoming who they want to be if that will take away their pain . I was born a woman , and I love being a woman . I can 't imagine what it must be like to feel trapped in my own body . For that reason , I support people that want to change who they are . It is their business and their life . What is ridiculous is all the media and his upcoming TV show , and making his business our business . Actually calling Jenner a hero . No he is not . He is not a hero , and he is not a lifesaver . He is making a a lot of money and gaining a lot of accolades off of this , there are tons of rewards for him having breasts and wearing lipstick . I am also really sick of the Kardashian clan . It is not hate if people don 't want to see him as a woman or think it 's ridiculous . People that think it 's ridiculous are painted as villains . I personally don 't mind his decision , but I don 't like how the media kinda forces us to embrace his decisions . 3 ) Rachel Dolezal , who lied her way to President of her local NAACP chapter . I am tired of hearing about her too . She is kind of being painted as a hero too and labeled a " human rights activist " , and it is total bullshit . She is actually making it on CNN . I can 't believe this has turned into the media circus that it has become and people actually think she has done good when , she is a total fraudster . Not only did she lie about being black when she is white , but she sued Howard University ( a black college for discriminating against her for being white ) and reported hate crimes against her for being black ( when in fact she fabricated those crimes ) . I just bought my favorite ice cream . . . . . . Ben & Jerry 's chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream . And zero fucks were given . I don 't care about the other flavors they come out with , I always end up with the cookie dough , and I wish they would put in more cookie dough . . . The real reason I don 't whip up treats in my kitchen is because I have zero self control , and I almost barely ever end up baking cookies because I am too busy eating the dough . No joke , and then I wind up feeling , sick , bloated and hating myself . Almost 10 years ago I decided to sign up for a cake decorating class . It was fun , but I had to stop because I wound up eating most of my materials . I ate the raw cake batter and I couldn 't help myself with the frosting I made either . We made our frosting out of Crisco and powdered sugar . I know that sounds nasty and seeing that Crisco should have been a deterrent , one would think . Apparently not . I loved decorating the cake with different colored frosting and then eating it . I felt like a child again in my mother 's kitchen . The last time I decided to treat myself to some chocolate chip cookie dough was about six months ago . I went to the store and bought the pre - made cookie dough because I wanted to make oreo - stuffed chocolate chip cookies . Instead of going through all that trouble , I just bought the raw pre - made chocolate chip cookie dough and ended up eating it while watching Netflix . It was very satisfying to be home alone , and have a Netflix and cookie - dough binge . I haven 't actually made cookie dough in almost a decade , because I don 't even wait until the dough is made . I like to eat the ingredients as early as possible . As soon as I mixed the butter and sugar and eggs and vanilla together , I was licking the spoon and loved the buttery flavor and sugar granule texture , then I added the flour mix , and loved the floury texture , and that I could still taste each ingredient separately . I re - read this , and it almost sounds like I am talking about porn . . . . . . . Food porn . I used to be able to eat anything when I was in my twenties , and I really did . To this day , I am happy that I lived it up and used every opportunity I had to eat all the sugar and carbs I wanted and still have a nice figure . In my twenties , I worked at Red Lobster , and ate all the buttery biscuits , pasta and baked potatoes I could get my hands on . And I did . It 's Sunday , and I just finished walking and feeding the dog . He is currently occupied with ripping all the stuffing out of his toy . I let him make a mess because I would rather he destroy a dog toy than other property . I also want to give him an outlet to express himself , because I am sure he misses his owner . I am listening to Mozart . I am half Austrian . My mother was born and raised in Austria , and Austrians love their classical music and their sweets . Is it wrong that instead of humming the classical tunes that I want to meow them out ? I also had my morning coffee and cereal . Instead of cream and sugar , I added almond milk and coconut oil to my brew , and it was good ! Don 't get me wrong , I freaking love my sugar and love it when people brag about their dessert exploits on social media . It 's just that I am not in my twenties any more , and sugar really throws a monkey wrench into life with depression . What would you do if a woman told you to cut off your own penis ? Because this is what our KK ( Krazy Korean ) once asked three of her male students to do . One day she called three of her male students in , and wanted to discipline them , probably for having sexual thoughts or for thinking about other women . KK is now in her seventies and looks it , but she was very beautiful in her younger years and obsessed with her image . She definitely used it to her advantage with the male students and was secretly jealous of her female students . More on that later , but she definitely used her looks to her advantage with the male students , and did NOT like it at all when they spoke about other women . She was very passive - aggressive in methods of displaying jealousy . You ever hear the saying " You can 't serve two masters " ? That is from the Bible , Matthew 6 : 24 . She always loved to quote the Bible and use them to her advantage . Anyway , back to the penis story . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . She instructed them to pick up the steak knives placed next to them and " cut off their cocks " . And the men actually had the blades against the skin , until she yelled STOPPP ! ( Because she is not a complete idiot and doesn 't want to get sued or go to jail or be blamed for running a crazy cult with actual undeniable proof ) . So then she had her right - hand men take them to the toilets and shove their heads in the toilets . Because just when you think you got out of one punishment , she will shock you with a new one . I knew this first hand because she punished the children this way , but she was smart enough not to do it herself . She had the parents or other member do the dirty work . I was give a lot of punishments as a child . There were four of us kids , and I was the only girl . I really got the harshest punishments . So did the boy my age because we were outspoken . We definitely deserved to be disciplined and I am all for strict discipline , but that boy and I were singled out . I am sure you readers , especially the men , wonder how the hell a man would ever allow himself to even entertain a thought of cutting off his own penis ? But I can guarantee that if you can get a person in a certain frame of mind , you can really get them to believe anything and I do mean anything . How else can you explain educated individuals involved in cults ? So , what 's up ? I am enjoying Le Weekend . I am still dogsitting Tico , a jack russell terrier mix . He is a lovely dog . I enjoy sleeping next to him , I find it therapeutic . He is playful and always wants me to throw his toys around . The only real issue is that it 's really hard to find him toys that last . He always chews the crap out of them and of course leaves the stuffing all over the floors . I got him a few cool toys from the dollar store , and of course those didn 't last more than a couple of hours . So then I decided to step up my game and buy something made with more durable material , and that seemed to work better , although not really . Another thing that I am happy about is that I got my favorite nail polish , Essie , on sale . Most women brag about Opi , but I don 't like that brand , as it peels off my nails easier . Essie seems to be better quality with more popular color pastel shades , which are popular in South Florida . It barely goes on sale , so when I used my CVS extra bucks along with a coupon towards nail polish , I was happy when I only had to pay $ 9 instead of $ 19 . I also found another bottle in the clearance bin for $ 2 . Yay ! I was five years old when my parents joined their organization . I won 't be naming any names because some family members are still there and have threatened to sue me for " libel " and " slander " , which is one of the reasons I decided to work in the legal field , so I could at least know what is and isn 't possible under the law , so I couldn 't be scared off so easily . So I will also be using the magic word " allegedly " sprinkled throughout my writings . Sprinkled randomly whenever I feel like it . Just because I feel like it . Allegedly . So my parents joined this " alleged " cult . when I was five , although my father is no longer there , THANK GOD . I left when I was twenty - five . I will get more into the details of how and why later . Let 's go to the interesting part first . We were raised in a very oppressed environment run by a Korean woman who controlled her minons with sexual restrictions . The biggest sin to her was oral sex . She stated over and over that oral sex is the biggest sin that we could commit . Just knowing that piece of information , imagine what growing up in her environment could be like . And masturbation . Flogging the dolphin , spanking the monkey , beating the bishop . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . She used that to control her members too . As she got older , she got more restrictive in her rules . Before I left , there was a rule that we had to keep all doors in our rooms in our home open . And if we had to go to the bathroom , there was a two minute limit , because if we were in there longer , it would be assumed that we were busy masturbating , and Jack - off police would report this to Grand Mistress . Well , that is all for now . I can only write my memories in snippets because I have twenty years of memories , and the truth is everytime I recall one detail , I feel that I need to give you a background , and explain , which leads me to other memories , and honestly , I just don 't know where to even begin . So for now , it is easier to just start writing and cut myself off for the day so I don 't over - analyze . 1 ) My favorite part of a cat is its whisker . A close second would be the markings on its chest area . My favorite part of a dog is its eyelashes , followed by its tail . Don 't ask me why , I don 't know why , it 's just how I feel . 2 ) The weather here blows right now . Here in Florida we have no change of the seasons and we either have Tourist Season or Hurricane Season . June to September is not a pleasant time to live here . It 's a furnace by the early morning . It 's hotter than the devil 's buttcrack , it rains a lot and there is always the possibility of evacuating . But it 's not so bad , I would rather deal with this than the drought in California ( which is the worst in its history ) or earthquakes without warning , or the unaffordable housing . But last year was worse , because it was my first summer and I didn 't know what I was in for . Not only that , but I had to suffer flea bites the entire season . Not only that , but I was also not working at the time . 3 ) The traffic is worse . It 's not the congestion that bothers me , because in CA it 's actually worse . What bothers me is how dangerous the roads are here , Not only are the highways constructed in an unsafe manner , but when accidents happen , they are ugly . Back in California , it was a big deal if the accident involved more than two vehicles . Here , 3 - 4 is the norm . Today I saw a car flipped over during my lunch break . Upon driving home , there was a four car accident . Did I mention that drunk driving and texting are extremely common here ? 4 ) In trying to consume less sugar , I have stopped taking my coffee with sugar . I just drink it with milk . I really do miss my sweetened and chilled Starbucks Espressos , but I am feeling better without it , so we shall see how long my willpower lasts . 5 ) I can now identify lizard shit . We have so many lizards here , and I found a couple in my house . Eventually the little bastards realized I was friendly , brought more friends over and had themselves a party , they were fucking , multiplying and shitting in my living room . Eventually I picked a few up and threw them back outside , and they have gotten the hint that my home is not a party - zone . Today is Monday , and Mondays tend to blow because I can never seem to get proper sleep the night before . My mind knows I have to wake up early the next morning , and it won 't let me sleep . Instead , my mind tends to either feed me really brilliant ideas or bring back memories of some of the stupid mistakes I 've made over the years . Today I was late for work , not because I didn 't plan properly . I actually left early . I was late because usually there is no traffic , and there was a four - car mess this morning . ( Which is actually tame by Florida standards ) . I also forgot my phone . Lovely , right ? What else ? I went to the Dollar Store yesterday . Usually I am not a fan of the Dollar Store , because items like food , cleaners and batteries are really substandard . Plus , Most cleaners and hygiene products of better quality can be found cheaper at Walmart and / or the drugstore with a coupon . And did I mention that I am not a fan of the crowds there ? Erase an event from history ( make it so it never happened ) which would you choose ? WHERE WOULD I EVEN BEGIN ? HOW ABOUT WORLD WAR II ? Have any hair / eye / skin color , which would you choose ? I LIKE WHAT I HAVE Change one law in your country , which would you change ? WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN WITH A QUESTION LIKE THIS , I WOULD LIKE LEGALIZE MARIJUANA . I DON ' T SMOKE IT , BUT WE NEED THE TAX MONEY , AND MORE ROOM IN OUR JAILS FOR REAL OFFENDERS . I WOULD ALSO THROW HARSHER PENALTIES ON PEOPLE THAT HARM THE ELDERLY AND CHILDREN . Be any height , which would you choose ? I WOULD BE A FEW INCHES TALLER FOR SURE Have anything appear in your pocket right now , what would it be ? A CHECK FOR AN OBSCENE AMOUNT OF MONEY ? NO ? OKAY , I WILL SETTLE FOR A DOLLAR OR A STICK OF GUM . . . . . . . . . How art thou ? Did you all have a lovely week ? I have been dogsitting a very cute dog for the last week and a half named Tico ( pronounced Chico , because his owner is Brazilian ) . Tico loves to play , but has destroyed all of his toys . I bought him a few toys , but they didn 't last more than a few hours . I am slowly catching up and making the blogrounds , but I see that over half of the people I used to follow has stopped blogging . It makes me a little sad , but life does go on ! After all , I was gone for a year and wasn 't sure if I was gonna come back and blog . I am glad I did . I am happy to see those of you that are still here , and meeting new readers ! 1 ) I slept until 2 p . m . this afternoon , and so did the dog . It was glorious , then I had coffee . This is what weekends are about . Tico likes to put his hind legs and butt in the general vicinity of my face to greet me when I awake . Isn 't he so sweet and thoughtful ? 3 ) Speaking of which , I had this crazy notion back in my twenties that I had an idea of how life works . Now I am approaching my mid - thirties and all I can think is what the hell was I thinking , and how do we really know anything ? I feel like I don 't know anything , I am re - learning life . I think having depression and anxiety has really thrown a monkey - wrench into everything . Blogging really does help with looking back and getting some perspective . But I also think sometimes that when we are young , our over - confidence and delusions help us power through life . It gives us confidence to power through life , because it never gets easier and we do need all the help we can get . We need to bite off more than we can chew sometimes and learn a few things . 4 ) I have had this blog since December of 2003 . It 's funny to look back at some of these posts and wonder what the hell I was thinking ? A couple of years ago I found my old written journals from 1998 and 1999 . I was so ashamed , I think may have burned them . I still don 't regret the decision . 5 ) I grew up in a cult and never really discussed it on this blog , but I think I should . It is still a taboo in society that really no one understands . It 's really the extreme cases that make it on television . The Duggars , the scientologists , Warren Jeff . . . . . . . It 's like you have to get raped and have some leader 's baby , or barely escape with your life to make it on television . Or get starved . None of that happened to me , but what did happen still defies all the confines of logic and reasoning . And it should be discussed . The best way to manipulate someone is to control them mentally and leave no physical scars . This takes time , but once you are able to control someone 's mind and convince them that your delusions are their dreams that they think they thought of , you are unstoppable as a leader . And if that person wakes up and starts acting against you out of rightful anger , you can calmly sit back and call the other person crazy . Of course you react as a maniac in private , but publicly you grab your followers , and you all call the defector " crazy " and that you wish they would get the help they need and " pray for them . " Why the hell did I want to drive a Prius ? My Sentra crapped out and left me stranded in the middle of nowhere in 100 degree weather . I now have a little Fiat . |
" Wasn 't it tragic about my brother Paddy ? " lamented Murphy . " Women and whiskey killed him you know . " " Is that so ? " sympathized O ' Tool . " True it is . " replied Murphy . " Paddy couldn 't get either so he hung himself . " Mick Doyle picks up the ringing cell phone and the following conversation takes place : " Hello ? " - " Honey , it 's me . Are you at the club ? " - " Yes . " - " Great ! I am at the mall and I just saw a beautiful mink coat . It 's absolutely gorgeous ! ! Can I buy it ? " - " What 's the price ? " - " Only $ 1 , 500 . 00 . " - " Well , OK , go ahead and get it , if you like it that much . . . " " I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2014 models . I saw one I really liked . I spoke with the salesman , and he gave me a really good price . . . and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year . . . " - " What price did he quote you ? " - " Only $ 85 , 000 . . . " - " OK , but for that price I want it with all the options . " - " Great ! But before we hang up , something else . . . " - " What ? " - " I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw that the house we had looked at last year is on sale ! ! Remember ? The one with a pool , English Garden , acre of park area , beachfront property . " - " How much are they asking ? " - " Only $ 3 , 450 , 000 - a magnificent price . . . " - " Well , then go ahead and buy it , but just bid $ 3 , 400 , 000 . OK ? " - " OK , sweetie . . . Thanks ! I 'll see you later ! ! I love you ! ! ! " - " Bye . . . I love you too . . . " Mick hangs up the phone and raises it over his head and asks all those present : " Does anyone know who this phone belongs to ? " Paddy and Shamus were hitchhiking . " It 's best if we split up , " said Paddy . " I will meet you in the next city under the town hall clock " . Later that night Shamus was waiting at the appointed place when Paddy drove up in a swank car . " Where the world did you get that car ? " Paddy explained that he had just walked a little way when a beautiful woman picked him up . She drove into the woods , got out and took all her clothes off . " She said I could have anything I wanted , so I took the car , " said Paddy . " Good choice too , " said Shamus . " You 'd look ridiculous in her clothes . " It was raining hard one cold day and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub . Old man Murphy stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water . Flanagan walked by and asked Murphy what he was doing . " Fishin " replied Murphy . " Poor old fool " thought Flanagan , so he invited the old man to have a drink with him inside the warm pub . While they were sipping their whisky , Flanagan asked , " And how many have you caught ? " Murphy replied , " You 're the eighth . " Paddy calls the airline to book a flight . The agent asks Paddy , " How many people are flying with you ? " Paddy replies " How should I know ! It 's your bloody plane . " Five tourists in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint . Paddy the officer stops them and tells them : " It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro , Quattro means four . " " Quattro is just the name of the automobile , " the driver retorts in disbelief . " Look at the papers ; this car is designed to carry five persons . " " You can 't pull that one on me , " replies Paddy " Quattro means four . You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law . " The driver replies angrily , " You idiot ! Call your supervisor over . I want to speak to someone with more intelligence ! " " Sorry , " responds Paddy , " Sergeant Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno . " Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose . They bagged six . As they started loading the plane for the return trip , the pilot said the plane could take only four moose . The two lads objected strongly . " Last year we shot six , and the pilot let us put them all on board ; he had the same plane as yours . " Reluctantly , the pilot gave in and all six moose were loaded . However , even with full power , the little plane couldn 't handle the load and went down . A few moments after , climbing out of the wreckage , Paddy asked Mick , " Any idea where we are ? " Mick replied , " I think we 're pretty close to where we crashed last year . " LESSONS FROM AN IRISH MOTHER : ANTICIPATION : Just wait until we get home . LOGIC : Because I sad so that 's why ! LOVE : If you 're going to kill each other do it outside . RECEIVING : You are going to get it when you get home . WISDOM : When you get to my age you 'll understand . OSMOSIS : Shut your mouth and eat your supper . MY ROOTS : Shut that door . Do you think you were born in a barn ? STAMINA : You 'll sit there until that 's all gone . HYPOCRISY : If I 've told you once , I 've told you a million times . Don 't exaggerate ! RELIGION : You better pray that comes out of the carpet . IRONY : Keep crying , and I 'll give you something to cry about . THE CIRCLE OF LIFE : I brought you into this world , and I can take you out . One afternoon in Dublin , Mick Collins , a successful personal injury lawyer , was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road - side eating grass . Disturbed at what he saw , he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate . Collins asked one man , " Why are you eating grass ? " " We don 't have any money for food , " the poor man replied . " We have to eat grass . " Collins replied , " Well , then , you can come with me to my estate and I 'll feed you . " " But sir , I have a wife and two children with me . They are over there , under that tree . " " That 's grand , bring them along too . " Said Collins . Turning to the other poor man Collins stated , " You may also come with us . " The second man , in a pitiful voice , said , " Bless you sir , but I also have a wife and I have SIX children ! " " They are all welcome to my estate , " the lawyer answered . They all entered the car , which was no easy task , even for a car as large as a stretch limousine . Once under way , one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said , " Sir , you are too kind . Thank you for taking all of us with you . " Collins replied , " Glad to do it . You 'll really love my place ; my ungrateful gardener quit two weeks ago and the grass is almost a foot high . " In a lush Irish pasture two cows are talking to each other . The first cow says " Hey I heard there 's a case of mad cow disease going around ; are you worried ? " The second cow looks at the first and says , " I hear that it will make you crazy , but why should I be worried about mad cow disease ? I 'm a duck . " A man knocked on Dermot MacGregor 's door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool , so he gave him a glass of water . A Dublin lawyer and his wife had 12 children and needed to move as the rental agreement for their home was coming to an end and the lease would not be renewed . He was having great difficulty finding a new home . No one would rent to him in fear that 12 children would destroy the home . He could not say that he had no children , he could not lie , after all , lawyers cannot and do not lie . So , he had an idea , he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their children . He took the remaining child with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent . He liked one of the homes and the agent was filling out the application , " How many children do you have ? " " I have 12 children . " The agent asked " Where are the others ? " With a sad look the lawyer answered , " They are in the cemetery with their mother . " Sullivan sticks his head into a barber shop and asks , " How long before I can get a haircut ? " The barber looks around the shop and says , " About 2 hours . " So Sullivan leaves . A few days later Sullivan sticks his head in the door and asks , " How long before I can get a haircut ? " The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says , " About 3 hours . " So Sullivan leaves . A week later Sullivan sticks his head in the shop and asks , " How long before I can get a haircut ? " The barber looks around the shop and says , " About an hour and a half . " Again Sullivan leaves . The barber , who is curious about Sullivan 's antics , looks over at a friend in the shop and says , " Hey , Mick . Follow that guy and see where he goes . " A little while later , Mick comes back into the shop , laughing hysterically . The barber demands , " Mick , where did he go when he left here ? " Mick looks up , tears in his eyes and says , " Your house ! " Just like any other day , Paddy was bragging to his boss , " You know , I know everyone there is to know . Just name someone , anyone famous , and I know them . " Tired of this Irishman 's never endingA frumpy middle - aged couple returned to a Dublin Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had reserved to a young and very beautiful blonde . " You said you would hold that car for us till we raised the € 75 , 000 asking price , " said the man . " Yet I just heard you close the deal for € 65 , 000 to this lovely young lady . And you had insisted there could be no discount on this model . " " Well , what can I tell you ? She had the ready cash and , just look at her , how could I resist ? " replied the grinning salesman . Just then the young woman approached the middle - aged couple and gave them the keys . " Here ya go , " she said . " I told you I would get this muppet to reduce the price . See you later , mom and dad . " Sullivan 's wife complained that he got in the way all the time in the kitchen last Christmas ; so he decided to make things easier for her this year . He bought a beer fridge for the living room . Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Dublin , the lead flight attendant for the Aer Lingus cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement : " Ladies and gentlemen , I 'm so very sorry , but it appears that there has been a terrible mix - up by our airport catering service . I don 't know how this has happened , but we have 303 passengers on board and , unfortunately , only 40 dinner meals were delivered to the plane . I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience . " When the passengers ' muttering had died down , she continued . " Anyone who would be kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free , unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 - hour flight . " Her next announcement came 90 minutes later . " If anyone would like to change their minds , we still have 40 dinners available . " A policeman knocked on Paddy 's door this morning , but he just locked it and sat there in complete silence . After 20 seconds he knocked again , but Paddy just continued to ignore it . The knocks got louder and more frequent but he was determined not to move in the hope tPaddy is stranded on a desert island . Then one day , out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman , wearing a wet suit and scuba gear . She walks up to Paddy and asks , " How long has it been since you 've had a cigarette ? " " Ten years ! " says Paddy . She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes and lights one for Paddy . Paddy takes a long drag , and says , " I really missed these ! " Then she asked , " How long has it been since you 've had a drink of whiskey ? " Paddy replies , " Ten years ! " She reaches over , unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve , pulls out a flask and gives it to him . Paddy takes a long swig and says , " Wow , that 's fantastic ! " Finally the gorgeous woman starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she asks Paddy , " And how long has it been since you 've had some real fun ? " To which Paddy replies , " Wow ! Don 't tell me that you 've got golf clubs in there ! " Murphy and O ' Brien were out in the woods and see an old well in a clearing . Murphy asked , " I wonder how deep is that well ? " O ' Brien said , " There 's a way we could figure it out . We drop something down it and time how long it takes to hit the bottom , then we multiply the time 32 feet per second squared , the rate at which objects fall in a vacuum , subtract a little for wind resistance and we 've got the depth of the well . " Murphy looks around and sees this big heavy log lying on the ground . He strains to lift it onto his shoulders and staggers over to the edge of the well , tips it up , drops the big heavy log into the well and they start to count , " One hippopotamus , two hippopotamus , three hippopotamus . " SPLASH ! ! ! ! Murphy said , " Three seconds ! Quick , multiply that time by 32 feet per second squared ! " In less than a second O ' Brien states " 288 feet ! Subtract a little for wind resistance , let 's say 18 feet . The depth of that well is 270 feet deep . " Just as he finished the calculation Murphy shouts , " LOOK OUT ! ! " and he pushes O ' Brien backwards as a goat ran between them and jumped head first down the well . Murphy said , " My God , I 've never seen anything like that crazy goat in my life . " Just then a farmer walks into the clearing and asked , " What 's going on boys ? " O ' Brien replied , " We just figured out the depth of this well to be about 270 feet deep and then the strangest thing happened . A goat ran between the two of us and jumped head first down into the well . " The farmer says , " Thank heaven it wasn 't one of my goats . " Murphy asked , " How do you know it wasn 't ? ' To which the farmer replies , " Because all of my goats are tethered to big heavy logs . " Late one night Paddy the pilot and Mick the co - pilot were making their first transatlantic flight from Dublin to New York . As they approached Kennedy airport , they looked out the front window . " B ' jeesus , " said Paddy " Will ye look at how short dat runway is . " " You 're not kiddin , Paddy " replied Mick . " Dis is gonna be one a ' de trickiest landings you 're ever gonna see , " said Paddy . " That 's the truth I tell ya . " replied Mick . " Mick , when I give the signal , you put the engines in reverse " said Paddy . " Right , I 'll be doing dat " replied Mick . " And den ye put de flaps down straight away " said Paddy . " Right , I 'll be doing dat " replied Mick . " And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can " said Paddy . " Right , I 'll be doing dat " replied Mick . " And den ye pray to Jesus with all your soul " said Paddy . " I be doing dat already " replied Mick . So they approached the runway with Paddy and Mick full of nerves and sweaty palms . As soon as the wheels hit the ground , Mick put the engines in reverse , put the flaps down , stamped on the brakes and prayed to Jesus with all of his soul . Amidst roaring engines , squealing of tires and lots of smoke , the plane screeched to a halt inches from the end of the runway , much to the relief of Paddy and Mick and everyone on board . As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure , Paddy looked out the front window and said to Mick " Dat has gotta be de shortest runway I have EVER seen in me whole life . " Mick looked out the side window and replied " Yeah Paddy , but look how wide it is . " Two English counterfeiters had produced thousands of genuine - looking notes - £ 50 , £ 20 , £ 10 - and really they should have been happy with their lot . Much wants more , and they scrambled through the discarded notes that had not passed close scrutiny . Among the jumble they came upon some perfectly fine notes - watermarked , queen 's head in exactly the right place . The only trouble was that the amount shown was £ 18 . " Never mind , " said Brown , the boss man . " We 'll unload this funny money when we 're over in Ireland . " AndThe scene was a courtroom in Dublin at the height of the summer with a major fair in full swing and happiness abounding . In the dock stood Casey , beetroot nose and breath like kerosene . " With what is this man charged ? " asked the judge . " He was caught red - handed , your honor , picking the pockets of the farmers at the fair , " said the policeman . " How do you plead ? " asked the judge . " Guilty , " said Casey sullenly . " Well , ' tis a heinous crime which you have committed , " said his honor , " and you are fined £ 50 to be paid immediately . " " Excuse me , your honour , " said the policeman , " but he only has £ 10 on him . " " Very well , " said the judge . " Put him back in the crowd until he makes the money up ! " " I hear that O ' Shaughnessy has gone all moral and virtuous , " said Pat . " Goon ! " declared Mick . " How so ? " " Well , he 's given up smoking , drinking andgoing out on the razzle , " explained Pat . " Sure it 'll do him no good , " saidMick . " In thirty years ' time he 'll be lying in bed dying of nothing . " Casey and McBride were coming home from a Sunday lunchtime drinking sessionwhen they stumbled over a large cadaver by the roadside . " It 's a mule , " said one . " No , ' tis a donkey , " said the other . " Here comes the parish priest , he 'll settle the matter . " " Father Donnelly , could you help us ? " asked Casey . " Could you tell us if this is a mule or a donkey ? " " It 's neither , " said the holy man . " It 's an ass . And don 't leave it there . Get a shovel and bury it . " Ten minutes later the two boys were hard at it digging up the soil when O ' Shaughnessy happened along . " What 's that you 're doing , lads , digging a fox hole ? " " Not according to Father Donnelly , " said Casey . Young Sean approached his wise grandfather and asked him , " Grandda , what is the difference between ' potentially ' and ' realistically ? ' Old man O ' Malley thought for a moment , then answered , " Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars . Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars , and finally , ask your brother if he 'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars . Come back and tell me what you learn . " So the boy went to his mother and asked , " Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars ? " Sean 's mother replied , " Of course , I would ! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university ! " Then Sean asked his sister , " Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars ? " The girl replied , " Oh , good heavens ! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat . Are you nuts ? " Sean then went to his brother and asked , " Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars ? " " Of course , " the brother replied . " Do you know how much a million bucks would buy ? " Sean pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his grandfather . His grandfather asked him , " Did you find out the difference between ' potentially ' and ' realistically ' ? " The boy replied , " Yes , ' Potentially ' you and I are sitting on three million dollars , but ' realistically ' we 're living with two hookers and a future congressman . " Mick Sullivan goes off to college , but he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him . " Hmmmm , " he wonders , " How am I gonna get more money ? " Then he gets an idea and calls his father . " Dad , " he says , " you won 't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with ! Why , they actually have a program here that will teach " man 's best friend " how to talk ! " " That 's absolutely amazing ! " his father says . " How do I get my faithful dog in that program ? " " Just send Fido down here with $ 1000 . 00 , " the boy says , " I 'll get him into the course . " So , Mr . Sullivan sends his beloved dog and the $ 1000 . 00 . Once again Mick frivolously runs through the money so he calls his father again . " So how 's Fido doing , son ? " asks Mr . Sullivan . " Awesome , dad , he 's talking up a storm , " he says , " but you just won 't believe this - they 've had such good results with this program , that they 've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ ! " " READ ? " says his father , " No kidding ! What do I have to do to get him in that program ? " " Just send $ 2 , 500 , I 'll get him in the class . " His father sends the money . At the end of the semester , Mick has a problem . When he gets home , his father will find out that he spent the money on himself and the dog can neither talk nor read . So Mick gave his father 's dog away to a nice family . When he gets home , his father is excitedly waiting to see his dog . " Where 's Fido ? I just can 't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something ! " " Dad , " Mick says , " I have some grim news . This morning Fido was reading the morning paper when he turned to me and asked , ' So , does your mom know that your pa is messin ' around with Mrs . O ' Connor , that little redhead who lives on Oak Street ? ' " The father replies , " I hope you SHOT that lyin ' dog ! " " I sure did , Dad ! " " That 's my boy ! " Irish Investment Advice : If you had purchased $ 1 , 000 of shares in the Bank of Ireland one year ago , you would have $ 0 . 00 today . If you had purchased $ 1 , 000 of shares in Anglo Irish Bank one year ago , you would have $ 0 . 00 today . If you had purchased $ 1 , 000 of shares in Allied Irish Bank one year ago , you would have $ 0 . 00 today . But , if you had purchased $ 1 , 000 worth of beer one year ago , drank all the beer , then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund , you would have received $ 214 . 00 . Based on the above , the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle . It is called the 401 - Keg . And as a bonus . . . A recent study found that the average Irishman walks about 900 miles a year . Another study found that on average Irishman drink 22 gallons of beer a year . That means that the average Irishman gets about 41 miles to the gallon ! Paddy and Donal were at a Laundromat when Donal noticed a couple of attractive women . " Forget about them , " says Paddy , " a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman . " " Why ? " Asked Donal . " Isn 't it obvious ? " Replied Paddy , " If she can 't afford a washing machine how will she be able to support you ? " Our man Paddy was walking along the Cliffs of Moher when he saw a young woman about to jump to her death . Paddy asked the young Colleen , " What are you doing ? " " I 'm going to commit suicide , " she tearfully responds . While Paddy didn 't want to appear insensitive , he also didn 't want to miss an opportunity either , so he asked , " Well , before you jump why don 't you give me a kiss ? " So she agrees and it was a long , deep , passionate , lingering kiss . After their lips parted , Paddy exclaims , " Wow ! That was the best kiss I 've ever had ! That 's a real talent you are wasting . You could be famous . Why in the world would you want to commit suicide ? " " My parents don 't like me dressing up like a girl . . . . . . . . " . The authorities think she may have been pushed . While in England Murphy walks into a pub and has a couple of pints . As he starts to leave the bartender tells him he owes $ 9 . 00 . " But I paid , don 't you remember ? " says Murphy . " Fair enough , " says the bartender . " If you said you paid , you did . " Murphy walks outside and sees his friend Sullivan and tells him the bartender can 't keep track of whether his customers have paid . So Sullivan rushes in , orders a couple of beers and later pulls the same stunt . The barkeep says , " If you say you paid , I 'll take your word for it . " Sullivan goes into the street and meets O ' Reilly and tells him how to get free drinks . O ' Reilly hurries into the bar and orders whiskey . After a while the bartender leans over and tells O ' Reilly , " You know , a funny thing happened in here twice tonight . Two men had some drinks , neither paid , and both claimed that they did . The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched right in the nose ! " " Don 't bother me with your troubles , " responds O ' Reilly , " Just give me my change and I 'll be on my way . " Murphy received a parrot as a gift . The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary . Every word out of the bird 's ' mouth was rude , obnoxious and laced with profanity . Murphy tried and tried to change the bird 's attitude by consistently saying only polite words , playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ' clean up ' the bird 's vocabulary . Finally , Murphy was fed up and he yelled at the parrot . The parrot yelled back . Murphy shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder . Murphy , in desperation , threw up his hands , grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer . For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed . Then suddenly there was total quiet . Not a peep was heard for over a minute . Fearing that he 'd hurt the parrot , Murphy quickly opened the door to the freezer . The parrot calmly stepped out onto Murphy 's outstretched arms and said " I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions . I 'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior . " Murphy was stunned at the change in the bird 's attitude . As Murphy was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior , the bird spoke - up , and very softly asked , " May I ask what the turkey did ? " One dark and stormy Halloween , Mick O ' Malley , a Dublin University student , was on the side of the road hitchhiking . No cars were traveling that night . The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him . Suddenly , a car slowly coming towards him stops . Mick , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it , got into the car and closed the door . . . . only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn 't on ! ! The car started moving slowly . Mick looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching . Scared , he started to pray , begging for his life . Then , just before the car hit the curve , a hand appeared through the open window and turned the wheel . Mick , paralyzed with terror , watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window to steer the car , but never touched or harmed him . Shortly thereafter Mick saw the lights of a pub appear down the road . So , gathering strength , he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub . Wet and out of breath , he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had . A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and . . . . wasn 't drunk . Suddenly the door opened and two other men walked in from the stormy night . They , like Mick , were also soaked to the bone and out of breath . Looking around , and seeing Mick O ' Malley sobbing at the bar , one said to the other . . . " Look Paddy . . . there 's that freakin ' eejit that got in the car while we were pushin ' it . " Ryan , a taxi driver in Limerick , was driving a tourist to Shannon Airport . At every intersection he blew through ignoring the red lights . The tourist exclaimed , " Surely you must stop at the red lights ! " Ryan replied , " I never stop at red lights , it 's a lot of rubbish . " My brother runs six cabs here in Limerick , and he too never stops at red lights either . " Just then , the traffic single turned GREEN and Ryan jams on his brakes almost sending his passenger through the windshield . Why in the hell did you stop at the green light ? " Demanded the passenger . " I must be careful , " said Ryan , " one of my brother 's cabs might be coming the other way . " Danny Quinn was quietly drinking in a pub when he was asked by Mick Mulligan , " Is it true that you have 14 children ? " " True , ' tis true . " Replied Quinn . Mulligan was amazed with this astonishing fact and inquired further , " Do you love them all ? " Quinn replied , " Love them all ? I don 't even know half their names ! " Doolin lived alone in the country . He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as he was old . His only son Paddy , who used to help him , was in prison . Doolin wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament . " Dear Paddy , I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won 't be able to plant my potato garden this year . I 'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot . If you were here , all my troubles would be over . I know you would dig the plot for me . Love , Dad " The prison censors , who read all the mail , allowed the letter through . A few days later Doolin received a letter from his son . " Dear Dad , For heaven 's sake , don 't dig up that field ! That 's where I buried the BODIES ! Love Paddy " At 4 am the next morning , the police arrived and dug up the entire field without finding any bodies . They apologized to Doolin and left . That next day the Doolin received another letter from his son . " Dear Dad , Go ahead and plant the potatoes now . That 's the best I could do under the circumstances . Love Paddy " A Dublin man told his doctor that he could no longer do as much around the house as he used to . He didn 't seem to have the energy for any chores . The doctor gave him a thorough examination and at the end the guy said : " OK , doc , I can take it . Tell me in plain English , what 's wrong with me ? " " Well " said the doctor , " in plain English , you 're just lazy . " " OK " said the guy " now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife " An Irish man is sittin ' in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in . The men sit down , and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman . . . The first man says , " Watch this . . . " He gets up , walks over to the Irishman , and says , " Hey man , I hear your St . Patrick was a shameful thief . " The Irishman just replies , " Oh , is that so now ? " The Englishman , goes back to his seat perplexed , when his friend jumps up and says , " Here , lemme try that . " So he goes over to the Irishman and says , " Hey man , I hear your St . Patrick was a scandalous womanizer ! " The Irishman only replies , " Oh , is that so now ? " So the Englishman , frustrated goes and sits down with his friends . When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says , " Well , now , I gotta try that ! " So he walks over to the Irishman and says , " Hey , I hear your St . Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN ! " And the Irishman replies , " Aye , that 's what your friends were sayin ' . " Flannagan walks into a curio shop in Dublin . Looking around at everything , he notices a very lifelike life - sized bronze statue of a rat . It has no price tag , but is so striking that he decides he must have it . He takes it to the owner and asks , " How much for the bronze rat ? " The owner replies , " $ 12 for the rat and $ 100 for the story " . Flannagan gives the man $ 12 and says , I 'll just take the rat , you can keep the story . " As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat , he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street . This is disconcerting , and he begins walking faster . But within a couple of blocks , the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds , and they begin squealing . He begins to trot toward the River Liffy , looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS , and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster . Concerned , even scared , he runs to the edge of the river Liffy , and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can . Amazingly , the millions of rats all jump into the Liffy after it , and are all drowned . Flannagan walks back to the curio shop . " Ah ha , " says the owner , " you have come back for the story ? " " No , " says Flannagan , " I came back to see if you have a bronze statue of Queen of England . " A young Dublin Solicitor was involved in a dreadful car smash . The entire side of his BMW was ripped away , along with his arm . " My car , my car " he groaned . The patrolman weighed up the extent of the injuries and said : " Sir , I think you ought to be more concerned about your arm than your car . " The Solicitor looked down in horror at where his arm used to be and screamed , " My Rolex ! My Rolex ! " Reilly went to trial for armed robbery . The jury foreman came out and announced , " Not guilty . " " That 's grand ! " shouted Reilly . " Does that mean I can keep the money ? " Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says , " Bless me Father , for I have sinned . I have been with a loose woman . " Father Murphy asks , " Is that you , Tommy Shaughnessy ? " " Aye , Father , it is . " " And who was the woman you were with lad ? " " Well sure , and I can 't be tellin ' you Father . I don 't ' want to ruin her reputation . " " Well , Tommy , I 'm sure to find out sooner or later , so you may as well tell me now . Was it Brenda O ' Malley ? " " I canna ' say . " " Was it Patricia Kelly ? " " I 'll never tell " " Was it Liz Shannon ? " " I 'm sorry , but I 'll not name her Father . " " Was it Cathy Morgan ? " " My lips are sealed . " " Was it Fiona McDonald , then ? " " Please , Father , I canna ' tell you . " Father Murphy sighs in frustration . " You 're a steadfast lad , Tommy Shaughnessy and I admire that . But you 've sinned , and you most atone . For your penance , say the Lord 's Paryer . Be off with you now . " Tommy walks back to his pew . His friend Sean slides over and whispers , " What 'd you get . " " Five good leads , " says Tommy . Paddy & Sean are hunting out in the woods when Sean falls to the ground . He doesn 't seem to be breathing , and his eyes are rolled back in his head . Paddy starts to panic , then whips out his cell phone and calls 911 . He frantically blurts out to the operator , " Begorra ! Help ! My friend just died . He 's Dead ! What can I do ? " The operator , trying to calm him says , " Take it easy . I can help . Just listen to me and follow my instructions . First , lets make sure he 's dead . " There 's a short pause , and then the operator hears a loud gun shot ! ! ! Paddy comes back on the line and says , ' OK , now what ? " Irish Friendship 1 . When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry jerk that made you sad . 2 . When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you . 3 . When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get . 4 . When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining . 5 . When you are confused - I will use little words . 6 . When you are sick - Stay the heck away from me until you are well again . I don 't want whatever you have . 7 . When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsiness . 8 . When you are in jail - I will be right beside you saying , " Wow ! That was fun ! " Remember : A good friend will help you move . An Irish friend will help you move a body . Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel . Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O ' Leary 's house when Paddy Murphy loses $ 500 . 00 on a single hand , clutches his chest and drops dead at the table . Showing respect for their fallen friend , the other five continue playing standing up . O ' Conner looks around and asks , " Oh me boys , someone has to tell Paddy 's wife . Who will it be ? " They decide to draw cards and Gallagher picks the high card . They tell him to be discreet and gentle , don 't make a bad situation worse , as Mrs . Murphy never approved of their gambling . " Discreet ? ? ? " says Gallagher , " I 'm the most discreet Irishman you 'll ever meet . Discretion is me middle name . Just leave it to me . " So Gallagher arrives at Murphy 's house and knocks on the door . Mrs . Murphy answers and asks , " What do you want . " Gallagher declares , " Your husband just lost $ 500 . 00 in our card game and is afraid to come home . " " You tell him to drop dead ! " Exclaims Mrs . Murphy . " Right , I 'll go tell him . " Says Gallagher . Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had the important meeting of his career and couldn 't find a parking place . Looking up to heaven he said , " Lord , take pity on me . If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey " . Miraculously , a parking place appeared . Paddy looked up again and said , " Never mind , I found one . " Danny Doolan applied for an engineering position at the Dublin Refinery . An Englishman applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager . Upon completion of the test , both men only missed one of the questions . The manager went to Doolan and said : " Thank you for your interest , but we 've decided to give the Englishman the job . " Doolan demanded , " And why are you giving him the job ? We both got nine questions correct . This being Ireland and all , and me being Irish , I should get the job ! " The manager said : " We have made our decision not on the correct answers , but rather on the one question that you missed . " Doolan then shouted : " And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other ? " The manager replied : " Simple , the Limy put down on question # 4 ; ' I don 't know . ' You put down , ' Neither do I . " Murphy 's mother in law was walking around his farm , when his mule attacked her and she died . Five hundred people , mostly men turned up for her funeral . After the funeral , Fr . O ' Toole said to Murphy , " I never realized how popular your mother in law was , imagine , five hundred people here for her funeral . " Murphy replied , " Father , they 're not here for the funeral , they 've come to buy my mule . " Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy , looking as if he 'd just been run over by a train . His arm is in a sling , his nose is broken , his face is cut and bruised and he 's walking with a limp . " What happened to you ? " asks Sean , the bartender . " Jamie O ' Conner and me had a fight , " says Paddy . " That little fella , O ' Conner ? " says Sean . " He couldn 't do that to you , he must have had something in his hand . " " That he did , " says Paddy , " a shovel is what he had , and a terrible lickin ' he gave me with it . " " Well , " says Sean , " you should have defended yourself . Didn 't you have something in your hand ? " " That I did . " said Paddy . " I had Mrs . O ' Conner , and a thing of beauty she is , but totally useless in a fight . " The Bank of Ireland , feeling it was time for a shakeup , hired Murphy as new CEO . Murphy was determined to rid the company of all slackers . On a tour of the facilities , Murphy noticed a guy leaning on a wall . The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business ! Murphy walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked , " How much money do you make a week ? " A little surprised , the young fellow looked at him and replied , " I make $ 300 . 00 a week . Why ? " Murphy then handed the lad $ 1 , 200 in cash and screamed , " Here 's four weeks ' pay , now GET OUT and don 't come back . " Feeling pretty good about himself , Murphy looked around the room and asked , " Does anyone want to tell me what that loafer did here ? " From across the room came a voice , " He 's the delivery guy from Paddy 's deli . " Casey kept a cat for companionship and he loved it dearly . At Christmas he was going to the States for the holiday and asked his brother to look after the cat while he was gone . As soon as he arrived in the U . S . he called his brother and asked , " How is my cat ? " His brother said , " Your cat died . " Casey was in shock , " Dear God , did you have to tell me that way ? " His brother asked , " How else can I tell you that the cat is dead ? " Casey responded " You could have led me up to it gradually . You could have told me that my cat was on the roof , but the fire department is getting it down . When I called tomorrow night , you could have told me they dropped him and he was injured . Then when I called on the third night , you could have told me that the doctor did all he could but my cat passed away . That way it wouldn 't have been such a shock . By the way , " Casey continued , " how is mother ? " To which his brother said , " Oh , she 's up on the roof , but the fire department is getting her down . " Mick & Sean wanted to go hunting on old farmer Murphy 's land . As they pulled up to the farmhouse Sean told Mick , " You wait here while I ask Murphy permission . " Sean walked to the door and made his request to Murphy . Murphy replied , " Ok , but under one condition . I need you to do me a big favor . See my old mule ? He is old and lame and needs to be put down , but I 've had him for so long that I just don 't have the heart to do it myself . I need you to do it for me . " Sean said , " I can 't shoot a mule . " Murphy begged , " It needs to be done , he 's in a lot of pain . Please help me out . " " Well , " said Sean " if that 's the case , I 'll do it for you . " Murphy thanked him and Sean started back to the truck for his rifle . As he walked he thought to himself that he would play a big trick on his friend . " Mick , that no good Murphy said NO , and after we drove all the way here . I 'm so mad I 'm goin ' shoot his mule ! " " What ! " Exclaimed Mick . " You can 't do that , we 'll go to jail ! " " Well stand back , I 'm mad and I 'm goin ' shoot his mule . " So Sean grabbed his rifle , walked back toward the mule and bang , shot him dead . From behind , Sean heard three more shots , Bang ! Bang ! Bang ! There was Mick with his rifle , " Hey , I got three of his cows ! " Many years ago there was a young man named Paddy Flanagan . Paddy lived far back in the Hills of Connamara , in the West of Ireland . When Paddy turned 18 he answered his Nation 's call and joined the Irish Navy . On his first day of boot camp , the Navy issued him a toothbrush . That afternoon , a Navy dentist yanked several of his teeth . On his second day , the Navy issued him a comb . That afternoon , a Navy barber sheared his head . On his third day , the Navy issued him a jock strap . The Navy is still looking for Paddy . An American visiting Ireland is a passenger in a taxi . After some time of silent driving he tapped the driver , Murphy , on the shoulder to ask him the time . Murphy screamed , lost control of the cab , nearly hit a bus , drove up over the curb , and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window . For a few moments everything was silent in the cab , then Murphy said , " Please , don 't ever do that again . You scared the daylights out of me . " The passenger , who was also frightened , apologized and said , I didn 't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten you so much . To which the driver replied , " I 'm sorry , it 's really not your fault at all . Today is my first day driving a cab . I had been driving a hearse for the last 25 years . " Casey , a farmer in Co . Cork , got on his cart and rode several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the cottage door . A young lad , about 12 , opened the door . " Would your Da be at home ? " Casey asked . " No sir , he sure ain 't , " the boy replied . " He went to town . " " Well then , " said Casey . " Is the good woman of the house in them ? " " No , she ain 't here neither . She went to town with Da . " " Well then , how about himself , your brother Sean , is he here ? " " No sir , he went with Da and Ma . " Casey stood there for a few minutes , shifting from one foot to the other , and mumbling to himself . " Mr . Casey , is there anything I can do for ya ? " inquired the lad politely . I know where all the tools are , if you want to borrow one ; or maybe I could take a message for me Da . " " Well , " said the farmer uncomfortably , " I really wanted to talk to your Da . Tis ' about your brother Sean getting me daughter , Colleen , pregnant . " The boy considered for a moment , " Yep , you would have to talk to me Da about that , " he finally conceded . " I know that Da charges $ 50 for the bull and $ 25 for the boar , but I don 't know how much he charges for Sean . " A tipsy Hogan gets on a bus in Ireland and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork . " About two hours , " says the conductor . " OK , " says Hogan " then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick ? " The irate driver says to him : " It 's still about two hours . Why 'd you think there 'd be a difference ? " " Well , " says Hogan " It 's only a week between Christmas and New Year , but it 's a Heck of a long time between New Years and Christmas ! " ' Mr Murphy , ' said the boarding house landlady , ' I wonder if you would do me a great favor and change the light bulb in the dining room ? ' ' Certainly , ' said Murphy . Taking the bulb in his hand he stepped on to the highly polished dining table in his hobnailed boots and proceeded to set about the task . ' Hold on , ' exclaimed the startled landlady , ' I 'll get a sheet of paper to go under your feet . ' ' No need , ' said Murphy , ' I can reach already . ' A Spaniard on vacation in Ireland struck up a conversation with Murphy . He happened to use the word ' mañana ' . Murphy asked him to explain what ' mañana ' meant . The Spaniard said that the term means " maybe the job will be done tomorrow , maybe the next day , maybe the day after that . Perhaps next week , next month , next year . Who cares ? " He then asked the Irishman if there was an equivalent term in Irish . " No , in Ireland we don 't have a word to describe that degree of urgency " , replied Murphy . What It Means To Be Irish : 1 ) At least one of your cousins is a fireman , cop , bar owner or holds political office . 2 ) You swear very well . 3 ) You think you sing very well . 4 ) You have no idea how to make a long story short ! 5 ) There isn 't a big difference between you losing your temper or killing someone . . . 6 ) Much of your childhood meals were boiled . 7 ) You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer . 8 ) You 're strangely poetic after a few beers . 9 ) You are , therefore , poetic a lot . 10 ) You will be punched for no good reason . . . a lot . 11 ) Some punches directed at you are from legacies of past generations . 12 ) Many of your sisters and / or cousins are named Mary , Katherine or Eileen . . . and there is at least one member of your family with the full name of Mary Katherine Eileen . 13 ) Someone in your family is incredibly cheap . It is more than likely you . 14 ) You may not know the words , but that doesn 't stop you from singing . 15 ) You 're not nearly as funny as you think you are . . . but what you lack in talent , you make up for in frequency . 16 ) There was not a huge difference between your last Wake and your last keg party . 17 ) You are , or know someone , named Murph . 18 ) If you don 't know Murph then you know Mac . If you don 't know Murph or Mac then you know Sully . Then you probably know Sully McMurphy . 19 ) You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret . 20 ) You have Irish Alzheimer 's . . . you forget everything but a grudge ! Mick , from Dublin , appeared on ' Who Wants To Be A Millionaire ' and towards the end of the program had already won $ 500 , 000 . ' You 've done very well so far , ' said the show 's host , but for the million dollar question you 've only got one life - line left : phone a friend . Everything is riding on this question . . . will you go for it ? ' ' Sure , ' said Mick , ' I 'll have a go ! ' ' Which of the following birds does not build its own nest ? a ) Sparrow b ) Thrush c ) Magpie d ) Cuckoo ' ' I haven 't got a clue , ' said Mick , ' so I 'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin . ' Mick called up his mate , and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him . ' Ya daft Mick ! ' cried Paddy , ' Dat 's simple . . . it 's a cuckoo . ' ' Are you sure ? ' ' I 'm sure . ' Mick hung up the phone and told the host , ' I 'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer . ' ' Is that your final answer ? ' asked the host . ' ' Dat it is , Sir . ' There was a long - long pause , and then the presenter screamed , ' Cuckoo is the correct answer ! Mick , you 've won 1 million dollars ! ' The next night , Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink . ' Tell me , Paddy ? How in Heaven 's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn 't build its own nest ? ' ' For heaven 's sake , Mick , he lives in a bloody clock ! ' Paddy was picked up on a theft charge . He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room . Paddy jumped forward , and screamed " That 's her ! That 's her ! Oi 'd recognize her anywhere ! " Young Sean approached his grandfather and asked him , " Grandda , what is the difference between ' potentially ' and ' realistically ? ' Old man O ' Malley thought for a moment , then answered , " Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars . Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars , and finally , ask your brother if he 'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars . Come back and tell me what you learn . " So the boy went to his mother and asked , " Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars ? " Sean 's mother replied , " Of course , I would ! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university ! " Then Sean asked his sister , " Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars ? " The girl replied , " Oh , good heavens ! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat . Are you nuts ? " Sean then went to his brother and asked , " Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars ? " " Of course , " the brother replied . " Do you know how much a million bucks would buy ? " Sean pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his grandfather . His grandfather asked him , " Did you find out the difference between ' potentially ' and ' realistically ' ? " The boy replied , " Yes , ' Potentially ' you and I are sitting on three million dollars , but ' realistically ' I 'm living with two hookers and a future congressman . " Donovan said that he would like to share an experience with you , about drinking and driving . " As you well know , some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years . A couple of nights ago , I was out for a few drinks with some friends and lifted a few too many pints . Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit , I did something I 've never done before - I took a bus home . I arrived home safely and without incident , which was a real surprise , as I have never driven a bus before and I am not sure where I got this one . " Pat and Mick were sworn enemies , and the slightest wrong word was sure to set them off . As luck would have it they both ended up at the local barber shop at the same time . As they sat there , each being worked on by a different barber , not a word was spoken . The barbers were even afraid to start any conversation , for fear that Pat and Mick would wreck the place . When the barber who was working on Pat finished his shave , he reached for the aftershave . " No aftershave " , said Pat , " my wife will smell it and think that I 've been inside a brothel . " The other barber turned to Mick and asked , " How about you Mick , do you want aftershave ? " Sure , go ahead . " Said Mick , " my wife doesn 't know what the inside of a brothel smells like . " In a trial , an Irish small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness , a grandmotherly , elderly woman to the stand . In an attempt to intimidate her he approached her and asked , " Mrs . Murphy , do you know me ? " She responded , " Sure , I do know you , Mr . O ' Connor . I 've known you since you were a lad , and frankly , you 've been a great disappointment to me . You lie , you cheat on your wife , and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs . You think that you 're big man about town when you haven 't the brains to realize you 'll never amount to anything more that a two - bit paper pusher . Sure , I know you . " O ' Connor was stunned . Not knowing what else to do , he pointed across the court room and asked , " Mrs . Murphy , do you know the defense attorney ? " Mrs . Murphy confidently replied , " Sure , I 've know Mr . Bailey since he was a lad , too . He 's lazy , bigoted , and he has a drinking problem . He can 't build a decent relationship with anyone , and his law practice is one of the worst in the land . Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women , one of them was your wife . It 's true , I know him . The defense attorney nearly died . Judge Sullivan asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said , " If eitheOld farmer Fitzgerald was having a rough go due to the drought so he decided to pray . " Dear Lord " , he prayed , " if it be Your will please let it rain and save my crops . " After a moment of thought he added , " And Lord if it is not Your will and my crops die , I will accept Your decision as gracefully as I can , BUT LORD , if I don 't get any rain , please don 't let it rain on that no good Muldoon 's land either . Mrs . Murphy gets on a bus with her baby . As she pays for her fare , the bus driver says : " That 's the ugliest baby I 've ever seen . Ugh ! " The woman sits down , fuming mad . She says to a man next to her , " The driver just insulted me ! " The man replies : " You shouldn 't take that . You tell him off , go ahead , I 'll hold your monkey . " Paddy and Mick meet the pub after work for a drink , and sat at the bar watching the 6 O ' clock news . A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge , and Paddy bet Mick $ 50 that the man would jump . Sure enough , he jumped , so Mick gave Paddy the $ 50 . Paddy said , " I can 't take this , you 're my friend . " But Mick insisted saying , " No , a bet is a bet . " " Paddy said " Listen , I have to tell you that I saw that he had jumped while watching the 5 O ' clock news , so I can 't take your money " . Mick replied " Well , so did I , but I didn 't think he would jump again ! " A man walked into the produce section of his local Dublin market and asked to buy a half head of lettuce . The young lad working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce . The man was insistent that the lad ask his manager about the matter . Walking into the back room , the lad said to the manager , " Some idgiot wants to buy a half head of lettuce . " As he finished his sentence , he turned to find the man standing right behind him , so he added , " And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half . " The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way . Later the manager said to the lad , " I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier . We like people who think on their feet . Where are you from , son ? " I 'm from Tipperary , sir , " the lad replied . " And why did you leave Tipperary ? " the manager asked . The lad said , " Sir , there 's nothing in Tipperary but immoral woman and football players . " " Really ? " said the manager " My wife is from Tipperary . " " Get outta here ! " the lad exclaims , " Who 'd she play for ? " Flynn , a very successful Dublin businessman had a meeting with his new son - in - law , Paddy Murphy . " I love my daughter , and now I welcome you into the family , " said Flynn . " Paddy , me boy , to show you how much we care for you , I 'm making you a 50 - 50 partner in my business . All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations . " Paddy interrupted , " I hate factories . I can 't stand the noise . " " I see , " replied the father - in - law . " Well , then you 'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations . " " I hate office work , " said Paddy . " I can 't stand being stuck behind a desk all day . " " Wait a minute , " said Flynn . " I just made you half - owner of a moneymaking organization , but you don 't like factories and won 't work in an office . What am I going to do with you ? " " That 's easy , " said Paddy . " You can buy me out . " Anticipation - Just wait until we get home . Logic - Because I said so that 's why ! Love - If you 're going to kill each other , do it outside . Receiving - You are going to get it when we get home . Wisdom - When you get to my age , you 'll understand . My Roots - Shut that door . Do you think you were born in a barn ? Osmosis - Shut your mouth and eat your supper . Stamina - You 'll sit there until that spinach is gone . Hypocrisy - If I 've told you once , I 've told you a million times . Don 't exaggerate ! ESP - Put your sweater on ; don 't you think I know when you are cold ? Religion - You better pray that will come out of the carpet . Irony - Keep crying , and I 'll give you something to cry about . The Circle of Life - I brought you into this world , and I can take you out . On Christmas day Paddy walks out of his front door , he is covered with soot and is coughing loudly , behind him a cloud of smoke bellows out of his house . His neighbor sees the commotion and asks , " Paddy is your house on fire ? Shall I call for help ? " " No , it 's not that at all , it 's this darn turkey I was cooking . I burned it to a crisp ! " " Paddy , that 's terrible " , replies the neighbor , " didn 't you follow the cooking instructions ? " " Sure , and I was spot on , " says Paddy . " Cook the bird a half hour for every pound , and I weigh 180 . " Flynn was sitting in the pub staring at his large glass of whisky when a large , trouble - maker steps up next to him , grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig . " Well , whatcha gonna do about it ? " he asks in a menacing voice , causing Murphy to burst into tears . " Come on , man , " the scoundrel says , " I didn 't think you 'd CRY . I can 't stand to see a man crying . " " This is the worst day of my life , " sobs Flynn . " I 'm a complete failure . I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me . When I got to the parking lot , I found my car had been stolen and I don 't have any insurance . I took a cab home and left my wallet in the car . When I got home I found the note from my wife telling me that she has left me for another man and then my dog bit me . So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all , I buy a drink , I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve ; then you show up and drink the whole thing ! A Southern Baptist was seated next to Paddy Irishman on a flight from Ireland . . . . After the plane was airborne , drink orders were taken . Paddy asked for a large whiskey , which was promptly brought and placed before him . The flight attendant then asked the Southern Baptist if he would like a drink . He replied in disgust , " I 'd rather be ravaged by a dozen harlots than let liquor touch my lips . " Hearing this , Paddy handed his drink back to the attendant and said , " Me , too , I didn 't know we had a choice . " Paddy , had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition . It seems that his father , grandfather and great - grandfather before him had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday . On that special day , they 'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side of their village for their first legal drink . So when Paddy 's , 18th birthday came ' round , he and his pal Mick , walked to the edge of the dock . Paddy , took a bold step off the dock . . . and nearly drowned ! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety . Furious and confused , Paddy , went to see his grandmother . " Grandma , " he asked , " It 's my 18th birthday , so why can 't I walk ' cross the lake like my father , his father , and his father before him ? " Granny looked deeply into Paddy 's , troubled blue Irish eyes and said , " Because your father , your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in January , when the lake is frozen , and you were born in August , ya eejit . " SITEMAP LINK The Irish Gift House features an abundance of Irish Gifts for every and any occasion , but we may be best known for our wealth of Claddagh Rings and Celtic Wedding Bands . We are also a market leader serving the strong demand for Celtic crosses providing a vast range that incorporates Celtic cross necklaces and Celtic wall crosses . If you are searching on - line for Belleek along with Irish Jewelry and Celtic Jewelry , you have found the right place as we have a considerable assortment that is proudly made in Ireland . Use this website to browse our selections and to securely place your orders . You may also reach out to us for a friendly phone call by dialing 877 - IRISHGIFTS , ( 877 - 474 - 7444 ) . We are your trusted and family owned store for Irish imports and gifts throughout the United States . Follow us on Twitter , Google + or Facebook to keep up - to - date . You are also welcome to visit and comment on our BlogSpot and you may also read our many five star Google reviews and you may review us too ! |
Houston we have confirmation . The cat is a girl . The husband took a deep breath and went outside to check . I asked if he was sure . He looked insulted . The weather here the last couple of days has been out of this world . It shortly after 9am at the minute and absolutely cooking outside . Which is exactly where I am by the way . Sitting on the deck with a good cup of coffee , I actually put the percolator on this morning . So I 'm sitting on my deck with my lovely laptop , my coffee and kitty purring away happily beside me . Cat sounded far too manly for a girl and I 'm pretty sure we have a pet cat now . The husband 's even in the garage as we speak building her a little outside house thingy . Is it still a kennel if its for a cat . I should really buy a book shouldn 't I ? My mum 's complete inability to read the size of something clearly printed on the side of the box continues . Yesterday she arrived home with a " paddling pool " for Toots which turned out to be an above ground swimming pool . Seriously this thing is huge , it covers her entire deck and we can all fit in it . Not that we all tried mind you . Also , she didn 't buy a pump to inflate the thing . Have you ever got high huffing on kid 's inflatables . Anyway , one last minute , blue in the face , completely knackered run to Argos later and we had a fully inflated pool and no serious cases of oxygen deprivation . My dad also dug out the old swing ball . People outside the UK might know it as tether ball , I 'm not sure . Now swing ball might look like a nice innocuous child 's game but that 's where you 're wrong . At least if you were raised by my dad , you are . You see to my dad , swing ball is a vicious blood soaked battle and his early teachings wore off on both my brother and I . Toots looked a little concerned to begin with when confronted with this side of her mother . Teeth bared and angry glare on her face as she smashed the ball back at her own dad , who in turn hammered the ball right back at me . My dad was never a big fan of the whole " kids should always win " idea . As far as he was concerned at Is there any difference between having a cat as a pet and feeding a cat that happens to live in your garden ? I can 't for the life of me figure out the answer to that one . Oh yes , the cat is still here and despite my very best efforts I actually kind of like the little guy / girl . Nope , still no idea whether its a boy or a girl and due to some rather unpleasant run ins with cats in the past usually resulting in a tetanus shot , I refuse to be the one to check . If anybody else is desperate to know , they can pick the bloody cat up themselves and have a gander . As it stands the cat 's name is Cat . Cat 's here all the time . I still can 't bring myself to let him in the house though . I 've reported finding him to the RSPCA and Assisi Animal Sanctuary as well as putting posters up in obvious places around the town , the post office , the main newsagents , places like that , but still no word on anyone missing him . I 'm still worried though that someone might be looking for him and letting him in to my house might confuse him . Can you confuse a cat ? I don 't know . But he 's brilliant with the child . He curls up in her lap with the motor running while she scratches behind his ears . Alright , don 't get me wrong she can be a made ass child and sometimes he runs like lightening from her , but for the most part he 's pretty happy to be around her . Its just a matter of teaching her the difference between a cat and dog . A cat for instance will not sit , lie down , roll over , play dead or give his paw on command . The same way a cat will look at you like you 're as sharp as a box of crayons when you try to play fetch with him . He 'll run into the next door neighbour 's garden to get peace from her sometimes which says something in itself considering the neighbours have a mental dog . So . Any insight ? Do we have a pet cat or is he just using me ? I 'm told that I laugh in my sleep . I mean really laughing , doubled over tears streaming down my face laughing . I kept the husband awake more than once and he 's actually had to take himself off downstairs once or twice to have any hope of a good night 's sleep . The thing is , I don 't remember anything about it , I never did . My mum tells me I even laughed in my sleep as a baby . I sometimes wonder what it is that has me in a wrinkle in the wee small hours . And Toots does it too . She laughs and giggles throughout the night , even when she 's had what I would call a bad day . The days when she isn 't feeling too well and has been a bit down in the dumps and still she 'll laugh and giggle all night long . I often wonder what she dreams of , What goes through her mind when she closes her eyes at night . I wonder if she 's remembering something when she laughs out loud or whether she 's completely fabricated something hilarious . Last night she fell asleep in my bed , something which she normally doesn 't do . We had played in the garden after dinner , even though it was raining cats and dogs and her bath had been more about warming up than cleaning up . I barely had a chance to get her into her pyjamas when she flaked out . I left her to sleep , while I had a shower and tidied up some of the messes of the day . When I finally remembered that she was still in my bed and went to move her to her own room , she mumbled something in her sleep . I couldn 't quite make her out , so I asked her to repeat herself and clear as day she asked me if I had found her tomato . Wha ? ? ? So either she has been having some weird dream about tomatoes which only exists in her mind or in a couple of weeks time I 'll find a half eaten tomato somewhere , probably tucked in behind a sofa and I 'll have to track it down by smell . She doesn 't remember her dreams either . The hunt is on . Dear Dum Dum , I would like to personally and whole heartedly congratulate you on the successful pilferage of my handbag . Your mother must be incredibly proud of the well rounded human being she managed to raise . However , I 'd like to take the time to point out something which your mother clearly failed to pass on . It is my sincerest hope that this insight might help guide you in your chosen career of " criminal mastermind " . When a woman willingly leaves her bag lying on a park bench whilst blissfully pushing her child on the swings chances are there is little in the bag which she is concerned about losing . The cash which you so desperately wanted was safely tucked into my back pocket and my front door keys nestled in my coat pocket . I do hope that you are pleased with your haul of a Dora the Explorer juice bottle , a half eaten apple , a packet of wet wipes , two flowery hair clips and a small but necessary supply of tampons . These items will no doubt bring in gargantuan sums of money on the black market ( ebay ) . Finally , if your actual target was the handbag itself , I 'll quickly point out that the bag was handmade by me . Should anyone admire the beautiful craftsmanship of said bag I would be very grateful if you would kindly direct them to my Folksy shop where they will be spoilt for choice . You may also supply them with the promotional code " NEENAW " . Any customer quoting this one time only promotional code will receive free postage and packaging . Their order will be dispatched immediately and hand delivered by a member of the local constabulary . Kindest regards . Leanne ( Meh ! ) Woods . Please be on the lookout for a missing week . That one missing week . If you find it , please return to ; 1 Wherediditgo WayItwasrigthhereasecondagoshireCounty WTFThanks so much . Anyway , food . Food . I have been grubbing like you wouldn 't believe this week , I 'm telling you . I 've probably put on a stone . MondayPizza on the barbecue . The weather 's to be good , I don 't have steaks , I do have pizza ingredients and in Northern Ireland , if the weather 's good and you want to barbecue but you only have corn flakes and a bag of frozen peas to your name , mash the peas coat in crushed corn flakes and get on with it . Everything just tastes better barbecued anyway . TuesdayChicken noodle soup . I 'll throw it in the crockpot in the morning and then I don 't have to think about it . WednesdayCrockpot again , Ill throw ribs and char sui sauce in for the husband and I 'll have a salad . Toots will be with Nana for dinner . ThursdaySnack night . Toots and I can make homemade sausage rolls , chicken skewers , onion rings and mini brownies . FridayFajitas with salad and grilled bananas with ice cream . SaturdayRisotto . I still have a mountain of mushrooms in the freezer so I 'll make a mushroom and bacon risotto and poached eggs and toasted slices of crusty bread . SundayChicken olives with steamed veg and potatoes , maybe with a mushroom sauce . BakingI 'll make flapjacks again , I made them last week and the husband likes them for a quick breakfast / snack in the morning with coffee before heading out . Brownies , we 'll cut them into small bit sized pieces and some of them can be frozen and crumbled through ice cream later with some of the fudge sauce I have in there too . Grilled or baked bananas , I 'll make a slice in the skin and push in a piece of chocolate for Toots and some rum and brown sugar for the hubs and I before wrapping them in foil and either grilling them or baking them . At the very real risk of being labelled internet wide as a terrible mummy , I 'm going to give you a tutorial on how to make your kids homemade poi . Poi are used often in performance arts and a friend of mine got me hooked on them years ago but , as with most things in life , where it can be very difficult for an adult to learn to use them kids master them in a matter of days . I still try as often as the weather permits to get into the garden with a set because using poi is a fantastic form of exercise and is also great for developing coordination , balance and grace , three things which I sometimes lack . I also found that when I worked as a secretary , spending hours chained to a pc typing left me with very stiff , sore wrists and poi swinging helped to ease and soften the muscles and get rid of the cramps . So , to make a set of poi for you kids ( or for yourself ) you 'll need the following ; A pair of old socks ( kids knee length or regular adult size ankle length will do ) * Two sandwich bags or small cheapy plastic bags . 60g of riceSome bubble wrap ( old towelling or fleece will work too ) Elastic bands or regular kitchen string . The first thing you need to do is take a measurement . If these are for a child take a measurement from their underarm to their wrist , for an adult measure from the fingertips to the shoulder . If , like mine , your child doesn 't fancy standing still while you take the measurement just use a well fitting coat or jumper to get the right length . Keep a note of the measurement ( mine happened to be 10 inches ) . Then measure out exactly 30 grams of rice into each of the two plastic bags . You do need to be precise about the weight because even a gram or two can throw off the balance . * * Then tie a knot in each bag a couple of inches away from the rice . Don 't compact the rice into a ball and tie the knot close to it , the point is to allow the rice to move around as freely as possible inside the bag . Next take a square of bubble wrap or soft cloth and pinch the four corners together around the bag of rice , again not compactiat This year I was broke . No surprise there . I had a large leather bound photo album which I 'd been meaning to do something with but never really got round to it . I decided to use the photo album and make a few digital scrapbook layouts to put into it as a present for my mum on Mother 's Day . She actually cried when I gave it to her . And then my dad teared a little when he saw it later that day . I 'm to tell you that he teared up in a very manly " I 've just been kicked between the legs " kind of way . There you go dad , masculinity remains firmly intact . . . . And , of course , the layout which inspired them all . It was created for me by Janmary and its my mum 's favourite . You should take a dander over there and see some more of her work . Her layouts really are beautiful . That 's three nights in a row now I 've been woken from a deep sleep absolutely convinces someone was downstairs . And each time I 've been daft enough to drag my half knackered ass out of bed and stumble downstairs , completely unarmed , to take a look . Of course , nobody was there . Maybe I 'm losing my mind . " Maybe you are ! " " Who said that ? " " I didn 't hear anything . " " Me neither . " " Oh , well that 's ok then . Wait . Did you hear something ? " Yesterday was a good day . A very good day . It rained as if often does here , but that didn 't matter . I spent the day lazing around with Toots . We played in the garden with the cat and checked on the fruit and vegetables . We baked flapjacks and ate them still warm and falling to pieces from the pan . We put on our wellies and played on the swing in the rain and we laughed . Later , when she was truly exhausted , we curled up together wrapped in a blanket . I read her a story and ran my fingertips along the length of each of each of her curls as she fell asleep with her little warm head resting against my chest and her little fingers curled around the blanket . She woke and we ate and talked and joked and sang . We put on music and played games and when her dad arrived home , she ran to him , hugged him and smiled . They laughed and talked in the living room while I prepared the dinner and I was happy . I want every day to be just like yesterday , but of course that can 't happen and it won 't happen . We 'll have bad days as every family does . Days of more negative than positive . Days when I say No more often that Yes . Days when there are tantrums and crying and anger . However in general we have more good days than bad and we 're happy . I hope that when Toots is older she remembers the good times . I don 't really mind if she remembers the bad too , but I hope that she remembers them in context . That she remembers that it wasn 't always bad . I hope that she doesn 't inherit my occasional bouts of pessimism . The fact that I can meet a hundred lovely people and have it ruined by one asshole . That I can try to help people and succeed with the majority only to fail with one person and end up wishing I hadn 't bothered myself in the first place . I have a lot of happy memories from my own childhood , but they 're often clouded by the unhappy ones which are admittedly few and far between . So why do they stick so clearly in my mind . I just hope that Toots always sees the class half full perspective . Just a quick post , I 'm off to collect Toots from her Nana 's house and need to get my finger out . MondayIrish Stew with crusty breadTuesdayHotdogs and onion ringsWednesdayChicken curry with steamed rice and naan bread . ThursdayBaked cod with pesto and crushed white beans with Parmesan . FridaySnack night . Thin and crispy mozzarella pizza , chicken wings , baked crisps and dip . SaturdaySandwiches and leftovers to clean out the fridge . SundayRoast chicken either with crusty bread , pickles and salady bits or with potatoes and steamed veg . BakingRaspberry and lemon oat bars or plain old fashioned flapjacks . Madeira cakeButterscotch tablets , more of a sugar making thing than a baking thing but the husband is running out and I can 't be bothered with a trip to Newcastle at the minute for more . Don 't ask me why we 'd need to Newcastle , but he 's convinced that they 're better than the ones in other shops . Its a bloody good question , isn 't it ? Let me start of by explaining that five or so years ago , I was the poster child for consumerism . I had a good job , I earned more than my friends and was perfectly happy to throw that money around . If I saw something I liked and wanted , then I had it . Whether I needed or could afford it didn 't even factor into the decision . Credit card companies loved me . I never carried cash and plastic was simply an extension of my right arm . It was always there , simple , quick and painless . I never paid off the balance every month , I never checked rates or anything else with other companies . I was just merrily cruising through life . And then I got in trouble , but then you saw that coming didn 't you ? Anyone living a lifestyle like mine is bound to get in the shit at some stage . I was in debt to my eyeballs and couldn 't afford to pay the bills . Worse than that , I had a house filled with everything I 'd ever wanted and I couldn 't enjoy a single item . When I left the house in the morning and lifted my Folli Folli ( handstitched for a single perfect piece of leather ) handbag , instead of admiring it and loving it like I had when I bought it , all I could see was " three more payments " floating before my eyes . Nothing was truly mine , I can honestly say there were only a handful of things in my home which I truly owned outright . After that hard time I lived a hard line frugal lifestyle . Only the very basic necessities were purchased and every last penny I earned went to paying off debt . There were no new clothes bought , no work beyond necessary upkeep was carried out to the house . No treats , no nice things , zip . I sold almost everything I had spent the last few years buying to pay down the debt . I finally got clear . And I realised something important . I didn 't miss any of things I had sold , which was about 90 % of what I owned . What I did enjoy was the space and to be able to see the few remaining things , which I hadn 't the heart to part with , properly for the first in a long time . That and sleeping soundly at nat In less than four teeny tiny months Toots will start school . Not nursery or daycare or preschool or prep classes , but real live , can 't say " screw this " and go home when you feel like it , school . To say that I 'm panicking would be a bit of an understatement . We 're still working on a few issues which really need to be resolved before she starts . She occasionally still takes a hell of a long time to finish a meal . Now that won 't be a problem until November because she won 't stay in school for lunch until after Halloween , but even so visions of my little girl sitting at a table still nibbling at her food while the other kids play outside having finished their feed ages ago doesn 't leave me feeling like a happy chappy . Nine times out of ten , she 'll go the bathroom by herself and wash her hands when she 's done without any involvement on my part , but sometimes , not often but sometimes she will still ask me to come with her . This tends to be when she wears tights , but bear in mind that she 'll be starting school right before tights wearing weather kicks in so we can 't avoid that . There will be someone available to take her to the bathroom in school and to help the kids redress if necessary , but my concern is that she won 't be happy with someone she doesn 't know doing this to begin with and it 'll make her feel uncomfortable about using the bathroom in school . And of course she still has a few days when she prefers to be in charge . I 've spent the last few months explaining that she needs to do what the teacher tells her and be polite and respectful , raising her hand before asking a question . With a daughter who knows her own mind and is more than happy to voice her own opinion , I live in fear of the " child led learning " currently being tested in some schools on the mainland . Basically what that means is that if Billy wants to play by himself in the corner instead of taking part in whatever class activity is going on around him then under no circumstances is the teacher permitted to try and coerce or entice Billy to take part . Hat So much for having a quiet couple of days . I woke this morning just before 6am . Flo 's here which probably goes someway to explaining the bad week or so I 've been having . I came downstairs , loaded up on paracodol and coffee and settled myself down for a quiet hour at the laptop before Toots woke up . I pushed the button and . . . zip , nada , nothing dead . screaming quietly on the inside , screaming quietly on the insideAs per my normal reaction to broken electrics ( and don 't laugh because 9 times out of 10 it works ) , it went outside , chained smoked for a few minutes , came back in had another coffee and returned to the laptop , greeting it as though the for first time that morning and pushed the button . Still nothing . Obviously I eventually got it working again , after a certain amount of crying and begging and swearing . It turns out the battery has taken a sulk because I always work of the mains and decided that a heart attack was just what I needed this morning . And this after I signed up for Yahoo Messenger last night . The husband has had problems getting Google Talk to work on his Blackberry and this should have been a nice , simple and free way to keep in touch during the day if need be . But then Yahoo , having no concept of the word " No " , proceeded to RAPE by laptop . Yes Yahoo , more like Yee - frigging - Haa as you jumped on board and molested my poor little baby . Would like Yahoo as you home page ? No . Here have it anyway . Would you like a Yahoo toolbar ? No , thank you . Sure go on , you 'll love it . Would you like us to fill your desktop with crappy childish emoticons . I 'm not 13 , so NO . Here , have them , who doesn 't love a smiley face or six . Well , Yahoo if you 're listening . Twenty minutes it took to download all of your spammer crap , but it took me less than ten to delete it all again . Suck it . Then the mediaplayer died . It still isn 't working , but you know how I 'll be spending my day . I could cry . My entire backup is on that mediaplayer , not to mention a ton of photos of Toots along with a mountain of music and movies . If I can 't get at As long as you try not to look like a sweaty raving lunatic thundering across the park like a mule weighed down by coats , camera , bags and toys , your kids will always be able to run faster than you . If you need to take a photo of yourself for whatever reason do it late at night in the bathroom , because when its late and nobody is around to prove it , you look awesome . Kids think that stomping around the house saying " tip toe , tip toe " in a not at all whispery stage whisper is the same thing as being quiet . Kids don 't " get " the same Dreamworks and Pixar jokes that you do . Don 't laugh or you 'll spend the rest of the movie trying to sidestep an explanation . Crumbs breed . I vacuum this house every single day and every single morning it looks like a bag of Tayto Cheese and Onion and a particularly crusty baguette have had an orgy in the middle of the living room floor . You will always lose more arguments than you win . If you win more than you lose , chances are you 've been arguing with yourself . Women will always have the last word in any argument . Anything said after a woman has had the last word is just the start of an entirely different argument . Never get into an argument with another parent over kids . Both of you will wind up feeling like complete prats at the school pick up long after your kids have beaten the crap out of each and declared themselves Bestest Friends again . Kids are like carrier pigeons . Never bitch about another adult within each shot of your kids . Once you have kids , very few of your " Life Truths " have anything to do with anything but kids . I 'm not really feeling the whole " menu plan " thing tonight , but I 'll throw something together that I have the ingredients for and try my best to stick with it . MondayShredded Szechuan chicken with egg noodles and sliced vegetables . The chicken is already cooked so this will be really quick to throw together . TuesdayVegetable lasagna . I have a load of tomatoes , some yellow courgettes and aubergine , plus some dried pasta sheets in the larder . WednesdayI 'll make the husband sweet and sour chicken with white rice . Toots will be at Nana 's house and personally I can 't stand sweet and sour so I 'll have a salad . ThursdayI 'll make a pot of soup using any leftover chicken and vegetables and I 'll throw in some noodles , pasta or barley . FridayGammon steaks with parsley sauce , baby potatoes and steamed green beans . FridayI want to clean a few things out of the freezer so I 'll make a bitsy dinner tonight . There are some mini sausage rolls , cocktail sausages and a few other things in there taking up space . SaturdayI quite fancy a barbecue so I bought some minced beef and minced lamb on Saturday and made up some burgers and kofta before freezing them . Friday and Saturday look to be the best days weather wise this week so I 'll just judge it and lift them out in the morning . I can always bump a meal to later in the week . SundayBaked cod topped with red pesto and Parmesan and some mashed white beans . BakingI 'm feeling a bit baked out at the minute . I made a loaf of raisin bread today , along with a chocolate and vanilla marble cake . Also I made a rhubarb crumble on Saturday so I 'll stick to a couple of loaves of bread this week and I 'll fill the cookie jar . If I have the time I 'd like to make some lacy ginger snap biscuits and work on my speed at making ginger snap baskets . I just means getting the biscuits out of the oven and forming them over the base of a glass jar when they 're still hot and soft . They harden very quickly and at the minute I can only manage them if I have four per cookie sheet which is a bit time consuming . The bought onesat I 've been a bit depressed this last week . Well maybe depressed isn 't the right word , I 've been a bit down in the dumps and completely unmotivated . I was grateful for the menu plan last week , because in all honesty if I didn 't have it I would have fed everyone cereal and toast for each meal . I can 't seem to get in the mind frame to do anything properly . I haven 't made anything in almost a week now . I 've started things and spent some time doodling ideas but at the end of the day I decide that either everything is crap or just not worth the effort . I 've painted my nails and bought a few colour samples to start redecorating the house ( which is very daunting at the minute ) , but still I just can 't seem to shake off whatever feeling it is that has taken hold of me . Its kind of a " why bother " sort of feeling . I even tried to make Toots a cutesy little snack lunch today simply for the sake of doing something creative ; Let me tell you , having a four year old look at you like you 've grown horns and are more than a little pathetic really feels like rock bottom . She didn 't open her mouth , she just looked at the plate and then looked at me as though saying " Who are you trying to kid . You don 't even do cutesy food when you 're in a paint flicking mood " . In all fairness to her she 's completely right . I 've never been a big fan of the whole Annabel Karmel thing . If that woman 's perfectly contend to prepare one meal for herself and then an entirely separate for her kids then more power to her , but I 've an inkling that when those kids step out into the real world and sit down to a school lunch , they 're in for one hell of a surprise . And not the good kind of surprise either . Besides , I think Toots might have read Kitchen Confidential on the sly because if I go to the bother of trying to make food all pretty and cutesy she 's convinced that I 'm trying to trick her into eating something that actually tastes disgusting . I 'm more of the " social eating " school of thinking , i . e . the family sitting down together to eat exactly the same thing as each at I left home at 16 , which probably seems quite young to a lot of people but bear in mind that was 12 whole years ago and things were a fair bit different back then , besides at 16 I just felt it was the right time to fly the coop so to speak . I really enjoyed my time living alone . I met the husband shortly after that and it wasn 't too long before we moved in together , but I really do remember my days living alone fondly . When I think back on my life I realise that I left home so early because of my mum . Just to clarify my mum wasn 't overbearing or abusive , she didn 't ignore me or my needs . In fact , she was a fantastic mum and I 've never once wished that she had done anything differently when she raised us and while I did leave because of her ( or maybe because of how she raised me ) I certainly never left to get away from her . My dad left when I was quite young ( old enough to remember him , but still at 3 , I was still young ) and although he left my mum as a young single mother ( 20 at the time with two kids ) she was by no means alone . We come from a large family and she had a great support structure during that time . However , my brother and I were raised a little differently to other kids our age . A bit of history might help here . My mum 's mother passed away when my mum was 12 and the oldest of 6 kids , two sisters and three brothers . My uncle , Samuel , was only 3 at the time and the baby of the family . When my grandmother died , my grandfather was left to raise six kids on his own . Now we 're talking over 30 years now and a lot of dads back then were not as " hands on " as dads are today , so he was pretty much chucked in at the deep end of parenthood . All of a sudden he wasn 't simply the bread winner . At the time he took some leave from work to get things sorted out and quickly realised that they would never survive if he were to come out of work . The options given to him were to separate his children up amongst any willing family , go back to work and pay for their needs or the children would be taken from him for an undetermine06 : 00 This is the post where you stop by and say hi . There are quite a few of you who stop by here everyday and I 'd love it if you left a little comment , just to say hello . It really isn 't hard and it only takes a few seconds . Think of it as Blog Graffiti . Kind of a " Smithy woz ' ere " type of thing . Maybe I 'm nosey but it would be nice to know who I 'm " talking " to . Otherwise I 'm just that sad , lonely , weirdo bending the ears off strangers on the bus . I hardly ever do that by the way . Sometimes I 'm just amazed at the generosity of others . I finally signed up for Freecycle yesterday at around lunch time . I 've been meaning to do it for a while but to be honest I either kept forgetting to do or I was caught up in something else . But there has been some chat about it over on Folksy lately so I figured it couldn 't hurt to give it a try . I offered a large artist 's easel which the husband made for me in another life . I 'm a bit of a hobby nut so obviously a flitted through painting for a little while . I 'm rubbish so the only painting I do these days is with a roller and a tin of vinyl silk . I had a quick look through the listings and once I was sure that one wasn 't already listed I placed a " want " for a sewing machine . I said that I didn 't mind if it didn 't work and needed repairs because I 'd happily consider anything . I 'm a bit handy with electrics and I can generally fix a fair amount of small problems , however the husband is very good with electrics so I figured if I couldn 't get something to work , he could and if he couldn 't then it maybe wasn 't something that would be economical to fix . Anyway , I placed the listing at lunch times yesterday and before the husband even arrived home from work I had a local artist lined up to collect the easel tonight and before I went to bed a lovely woman contacted me to offer her Singer sewing machine . She said that it had served her well for years , but she went to use the machine it " popped " so she packed it up with the intention of having it looked at and her daughter went out and bout her a new one . " Popping " electrics is usually a good thing , best case scenario the machine has a blown fuse , worst case scenario is that some other part of the machine has shorted out causing the fuse to blow but either way it 'll be a quick job to check and see which it is and then decide if the later is true whether it 's worth having it fixed . So fingers crossed I should soon have a functioning sewing machine . If you don 't already use Freecycle , you should definitely consider it . Bear iat I 'm just back from the dentist . Thankfully all the work is finished now because I feel like an elephant has jumped all over my face . It 'll be fin later once the numbness wears off but for the minute it feels like both my cheeks are really swollen and I imagine I look like Pob or Buzz Lightyear . I can 't complain really . All in told I 've had about £ 2 , 000 worth or work done completely free of charge , yet another benefit of being a SAHM . Anyway , today 's Works for me Wednesday is a themed edition . Best frugal tip . I 've loads , most of which I do now out of habit so when I 'm asked what I do to save money usually my mind goes completely blank . Still I 'm sure I can manage a few . ChildrenBuy second hand clothes where possible . Kids grow so quickly that it would surprise you just how many brand new clothes , still with the labels attached or worn but in perfect condition clothes you will find in your local charity shops . Also consider buying in advance , if you spot a beautiful winter coat that won 't fit them until next year , buts it an absolute bargain , buy it and store it . If your own kid 's clothes are in less than wearable condition when they 're finished with them because of rips or tears or whatever , salvage the buttons and any cute patches or appliques before using the remaining cloth as rags or cleaning clothes . Kids are forever losing buttons off clothes and quite a lot of the time you can replace it with one from your stash or cover a little worn patch or hole in the knee of their jeans with one of those little appliques . Limit day trips for little ones to free places such as the beach or forest , some museums also have " free " days ( but please do leave a small donation ) and pack a lunch from home when you 're going on any trips out with the kids . Have you seen how excited a four year can get when allowed to play with your wooden spoons . They don 't need all that paid for entertainment , besides an over stimulated child is a miserable child come bed time . Learn to knit and pick up a few basic sewing skills and you 'll be able to alat It 's actually the next day now , but last night , or this morning even , I was still awake at 4am . I 'll never understand or get to grips with my body clock , really I won 't . While I find it difficult to find the motivation during the day to finish tasks , I 'll get a sudden burst of burst of energy around midnight and start to sew . Luckily I hand sew everything or the whole house would be awake with me . It doesn 't help matters that the husband mentioned a few days ago about us really knuckling down and starting to redecorate the house , so now my mind is in a spin thinking of all the lovely things I want to do with this room and that . I have my knickers in a complete twist over the child 's room . I just can 't wait to get started . I worry about bills and money and appointments and letters I need to send , letters I 'm expecting , the usual really but then who doesn 't worry a bit about those things . I worry about Toots starting school in four short months and I wonder if she 's ready , sometimes she seems so small . I worry about family , for no particular reason at all . I think about the dozens of unfinished projects littering my home and whether I 'll ever manage to finish them . I worry about the husband heading out to work on these damp dreary mornings while Toots and I get to stay at home . I spend far too much time worrying and not enough time doing . And while Toots has just nodded off for a little nap after a particularly long morning walk and a lovely big lunch , I could be doing any one of a hundred things . But what I really want is a nap . Forty winks with a blanket snuggled up under my chin , but if I do that , I 'll be able to write to exact post again tomorrow . Only with a lot more spelling mistakes and possibly a big line of j ; avmichnlihghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that I somehow didn 't manage before scraping my face of the keyboard and hitting publish : ) Sleep tight everyone . Last week was a very busy week around here and by Friday I was feeling a bit frazzled and run down . We spent the weekend just relaxing and getting a few bits and pieces done and dusted around the house . The weather wasn 't great for days out any how . I 'm trying to keep it simple this week and I 'm also trying to squeeze in as much fish and vegetables as possible and cutting back on the red meat . I think it might help the sluggishness ( so not a word ) we 've been felling lately . I 've noticed that I feel a bit tired and over extended in the afternoons and the husband mentioned over the weekend that he had felt the same recently . Monday The husband was off work today for the bank holiday and because of that we were a bit out of sorts meals and time wise . Basically we grazed all day , little meals , mostly a sandwich here a piece of fruit there , but I will admit I do feel a bit better for it . Tuesday Prawn and vegetable stir fry with some chow mien noodles . I managed to fit in my trip to the Asian supermarket over the weekend and my fridge is jam packed with tons of lovely fresh vegetables . I 'll make some extra vegetables for tomorrow . Wednesday Minced chicken with vegetable ( leftover stir fry ) spring rolls , a side salad and a soy , garlic and ginger dip ( more of a dressing really but its great for dipping spring rolls ) . Thursday Tagliatelle and carbonara . I haven 't made this from scratch in a long time and it took me ages to get it right in the first place so I don 't want to loose the knack . Friday Pizza , except the usual salami and pepperoni for toots and I and spicy chicken for the hubs will be replaced with garlic infused olive oil drizzled over the pizza dough , topped with fresh de - seeded crushed tomatoes , mozzarella and spinach . Saturday I 'll make a big pot of vegetable and barley soup ( I 'll use bok choi instead of some of the more traditional greens in the soup ) and then we can just cruise back and forward from the pot throughout the day . Sunday Roast chicken , steamed vegetables and roasted parsnips in place of potatoes . Bakiat |
We survived the holiday . It was touch and go a few times , but we made it . The very best part ? Walking dogs at the animal shelter at 6am on Christmas morning . My girlfriend volunteers at the county animal shelter , walking and bathing dogs , and occasionally driving them to a new shelter or rescue outfit . Her regular walk day is Saturday , at 6am . It 's the shift called potty walk for very good reason . So , with the holiday falling on a Saturday , we weren 't sure how many people would show up . I offered to go with her and help out . It 's overwhelming but the dogs are so damned grateful to get out of the kennel for a few minutes . We took them little chunks of cheese and various dog treats . They were wonderful , adorable and heartbreaking . T knows that she can 't bring anymore home , but she would love to . It 's hard not to ! It was definitely the best part of the day . I remember when my bff , Lisa , lived with us and between her set of friends and acquaintances and mine we had dozens and dozens of cards . Not a day would go by in December without a card or several in the mailbox . I have a box of small , gold colored paper clips that I used to string together and pin up along the wainscoting . We would hang the cards along this shiny garland . In the heyday of cards we would have the whole living room swagged with holiday greetings . This year , I have received five so far . Five . Sadly , one of them is from the store where I bought my bike ! It 's pretty , though , so I 'm keeping it up . There are too few to string up the paperclip chains so they are sharing the mantel with some other decorations . There 's plenty of room for the five of them ! In the old days , only the photo cards were on the mantel . In case you were going to ask , yes , I did send out cards . Not as early as Miss Georgiana , whose card arrived the day after Thanksgiving , but early - ish in the month . Is this just a thing of the past ? Are the days of sending cards made of paper through the postal service over ? If so , that 's kinda sad . It 's a holdover from the time before email . It 's hard to display an e - card on the mantel . Posted by Partly , I think , it was the way I was raised . My parents didn 't fight much and never in front of us kids . They may have been tense around us occasionally , but there was never shouting , or even bickering for that matter . And , then I was married to a crazy man for several years and learned more than I ever should have about fighting . And running . Mind you , this was between T and the teenager . I can 't blame it all on the teenager , either . But , it 's her family and she is surely used to the way they are by now . I 'm the innocent bystander in this latest round of family drama . I 'm tired of it . I 'm tired of their family histrionics . I 'm tired of it affecting my life . I 'm being supportive of my partner , and attempting to help her get this kid through her freshman year of high school . And , when the kid misbehaves and drama ensues , I am being supportive of my partner by explaining things like consequences . Behavior X results in Consequence X . A parent must be consistent and reasonable in addressing behavior . Tell her what the consequence of her behavior is and then stick to it . Once the kid has chosen to behave badly there is no room for negotiation . T is just at the beginning of this rough voyage through parental waters . I hope her ship doesn 't capsize . I hope I don 't throw them both overboard . I have been tempted . My daughter came for a visit last weekend . Being the lowest on the seniority list , she couldn 't get either of the official holidays off , so we celebrated last weekend instead . It was fantastic to see her . It definitely wasn 't enough time , since she was only here Friday through Monday , but I 'll take what I can get . She and I spent most of Friday running around shopping and getting stuff together for our little family holiday . I don 't know what to call it ~ it wasn 't Thanksgiving , and it wasn 't Christmas or Hanukah ( or Kwanzaa , for that matter ) . It was too early for the Solstice . I 'll have to settle on Zoe - mas . On Saturday we had dinner at my parent 's house . My mentally ill brother was there , which is very rare . He came over because , like the rest of us , he loves and misses the Kid . She is such a ray of sunshine that even the depressed feel cheery . We opened up gifts and had pie and it felt very festive . Sunday we did a few things that she wanted to do in Portland , like a visit to Powell 's ( surely one of the best bookstores of all time ) . We walked the dogs , and petted the cats , we played a few games with the teenager , and basically just enjoyed each other 's company . Went back over to the grandparent 's house to hang out with them again . Then on Monday , she was gone . Not surprisingly , I 've been depressed all week . T thinks that if she can be relentlessly cheerful around me I 'll ' snap out of it . ' She doesn 't understand but I know that she is motivated by compassion . I told her ( fairly gently ) that it would be better to just leave me alone to wallow in it for a couple of days and I 'll recover . She likes to solve things though , so that 's hard for her . We 've got a busy weekend coming up . On Saturday I 'm subbing for a friend who is out of town , then another friend is having her 40th birthday party . We 're getting our tree on Sunday . I guess we are still getting ready for Christmas , although the part that matters to me is over . Oh , I 'll suck it up and act appropriately , but I confess to feeling indifferent to the rest of the holiday season . It doesn 't help my mood that it has been dark and rainy since the Kid left . We had some lovely crisp , sunny days while she was here , but it 's been raining hard ever since . Just the weather for a bout of depression . If you are a lesbian who has lived in Portland during the last 15 years , chances are good that you have checked out a bar called The Egyptian Room , commonly known as the E Room . It 's a dark labyrinth of a bar , with a room for karaoke , a room for dancing , a room for video poker and pool , a room for special events and a full service bar in every room . There are big bull dyke bouncers at the door and snarky , aloof bartenders serving drinks . Attitude runs rampant at the E Room . Well , I should say that attitude ran rampant at the E Room . It closed a month or two ago , leaving the Portland lesbo crowd with one less watering hole . It has been transformed into something called " Weird Bar . " Apparently the owners decided that the lesbian crowd could not sustain them any longer and wanted to open it up to all ' weird ' walks of life . I won 't bore you with the details of the fallout that caused . Suffice it to say that many lesbians are looking for a new place to drink . I was never a fan of the E Room and only went there on rare occasions . Too much of the aforementioned attitude . Too many youngsters and their dramas . Too dark and stinky and … sticky . Last weekend T and I took a chance on a gay bar that is right around the corner from the house . It is decidedly male . I 've been in there a couple of time over the years , but the service and attitude were very hostile to women and who needs that ? But , it was Saturday night and we wanted to go somewhere quiet and have a drink and hold hands . We had walked to a local restaurant and wanted to continue our evening on foot and not have to drive or take the bus downtown . We went in to Joq 's and the first thing I noticed was that it was a lot cleaner and had undergone a makeover . We were greeted warmly by the bartender and even though we were the only women in there we didn 't feel awkward at all . The guys weren 't unfriendly but left us alone . Well , all except the one straight guy in the place . He said hello , which I responded to , but then he wanted to challenge us to a game of pool , which we were not interested in playing . After I turned my back towards him he shut up . For a while . A bit later a couple of younger guys came in and were sitting near us . Mr Irritating Straight Man said hello to them and then asked them if they wanted to play pool . They declined . Then he said , " You 're weenies . You 're just a couple of weenies . Weenie , weenie , weenie . " The bartender was in the back and didn 't hear any of that , but we heard it and my brave and beautiful girlfriend called him on it . She looked over at him and said , " That 's not a nice thing to say . You need to stop . " When he started to argue with her , she said , " Just leave them alone . They don 't want to play pool with you . And don 't call anyone names , it 's not nice . " What a champion ! She made a couple of friends that night . I rode the bus in to work late this morning . I will spare you the scenes of domestic drama that necessitated the lateness ; suffice it to say : the teenager . At any rate , it meant that I was riding with a completely different set of passengers . A pair of young lesbians got on and quickly surveyed the seating choices . There were no spots with two seats together . As they came to the back of the bus , one sat down in an aisle - side seat and , rather than sit across the aisle from her girlfriend , the other one stood right next to the first . It looked very chivalrous , as if she were protecting her gf from a potential random encounter . It might have been just that she liked leaning in and getting a little extra closeness before they had to start their day . At any rate , it was pretty sweet and it made me smile . I don 't care which way the toilet paper goes on the holder : over or under , doesn 't matter to me . What bugs me is when the last square or two of tp doesn 't come off the cardboard tube neatly . Now , that is irritating . Ok , I 'll admit it , sometimes I like to watch 0prah when I get home from work . Not all the time , but she often has interesting guests and she 's just so … out there . I 'd watch Ellen if I could ( gotta support the team ) , but she is on too early . This week , 0prah devoted a couple of shows to the camping trip that she and Gay1e took to Yosemite . As they were heading into the pop - up trailer at bed time , Gay1e said something like : this will add to those lesbian rumors ! We got a chuckle out of that . 1 ) They are gay and 0prah is building up to the big reveal at the end of this , her final season . She has been having a lot of openly gay people on the show talking about coming out . She could be preparing , laying the ground work , getting her audience ready . But she could also be building compassion for others , participating in her own way in the ' It Gets Better ' movement . I mean , 0prah has been an advocate for the gays for a long time . But , why ? Because she is a good and accepting person or because she is gay but can 't risk her reputation ? Could go either way , right ? 2 ) They are not gay . They are best friends who have lived together , traveled together , had all kinds of adventures together but , because they are single , middle - aged women , well , they must be gay . This attitude is prevalent and it makes me mad . Why can 't two women just be friends ? Why can 't two middle - aged , single , lifelong pals be just that … friends through thick and thin , but not lovers . My best friend of over 35 years is straight . We have lived together , traveled together , had all kinds of adventures together but never been lovers . How can this be ? I used to try to explain to people , when they assumed that Lisa and I were girlfriends , that no , we were just friends . They would say , " Oh no , I didn 't think that ! " while their faces said , ' why is she hiding it ? It 's obvious that she 's gay ' . Well , yes , I am gay , but my best friend is not . Too bad for her , but that 's how it goes . Even my own grandmother assumed that Lisa was my girlfriend , which was sweet in an accepting kind of way , but incorrect . So , two women who choose each other 's company over that of a man 's are suspect . How dare we not need them ! The patriarchy is threatened by all of this woman power stuff . How tedious , how tired , how last century is all that ? Didn 't we already fight that battle ? Yes , we did , and we still are fighting it , and we have never won and it 's not over . What am I trying to say here ? Well , first of all , I 'm saying that I don 't care if 0prah and Gay1e are gay . I hope for their sakes that they are and that they can come out but that 's just my pro - gay bias . Mostly , I am trying to say that old patterns of thought need to change and people need to quit judging by whatever archaic standards they were taught in the previous millennium . It 's time to stop with the attitude folks ! I 'm not going to go into my feminist diatribe ~ but believe me , I could ! I am just fed up with this old , useless crap . Women can be friends with each other and it has absolutely nothing to do with men . Don 't get your feelings hurt fellows , it 's just not about you all the time . Our friend Chris rode her new bike over last weekend to watch a football game with us . Look how pretty Mr Darcy is ! He and Helen look very well together ! That 's Helen on the right , with the basket . Lately I have been complaining about my girlfriend and her issues around jealousy . In the interest of fairness I have to say that I have my own issues that drive her crazy . I 'm really struggling . The big one for me is communication . Specifically , I don 't call and let her know where I am and when I am coming home . I have been working on this one and doing better ~ until last night . I taught my usual two classes and afterwards went to our other school to watch and participate in a test . A couple of my favorite teammates were testing for their next rank and I wanted to be there . I had told T that I would be doing this . Apparently , I also told her that I would call her on my way to the other school . I don 't remember saying that , but I could have . I also told her , and I do remember this , that I would stay for about an hour at the test . Well , it didn 't work out that way . I stayed much longer . And , the bad thing is , I never called . I didn 't call on the way there ; I didn 't call when I got there ; I didn 't call to say I would be staying later . It 's very inconsiderate behavior . I know that . It 's not intentional on my part . I just didn 't think about it . There are no clocks in the training hall during a test , so I didn 't have that visual reminder of time slipping away , but I should have realized how much later it was getting . I 'm not sure why this is such a struggle for me . I like think it 's a couple of things . One , I was not in a committed relationship for many years and I haven 't had to check in with anyone . And , two , I hate the feeling of being on a leash . These explanations don 't really work all that well , though . For one thing , T and I have been together for nearly three years and you 'd think I 'd be somewhat used to it by now . And the leash thing ? Yeah , she 's not saying don 't go , she 's just saying let me know . That 's not unreasonable . So , I don 't know why this is such a huge stumbling block for me . It 's come up in our counseling sessions before and trust me , it will again … we have an appointment tonight so I 'll have to go over it all in detail . Now , there 's something to look forward to . I hope that we can talk about it and get it over with and get on with the rest of the weekend . One good thing about T is that she doesn 't hold onto that kind of negative feeling very long . Here 's hoping ! On Monday , T 's youngest niece died . No , not the one that lives with us . This little girl was only 7 years old and her entire life was a tragedy . She was profoundly autistic , and had both a seizure disorder and a bleeding disorder among her various medical issues . She has been wearing a helmet for the past year or so to protect her head during the seizures . Horrible story short : subdural hematoma that couldn 't be fixed . Poor , poor little thing . The funeral was Saturday . The niece that lives with us was away for the weekend ~ a volleyball tournament that her cousin was competing in on the other side of the state . So , we decide that Friday would be date night . Got some takeout , rented some lesbo flicks and went home to canoodle . T decided to watch a tv program that she likes first and I said , sure , I 'll check my email while you are doing that . She is reading over my shoulder and demands to know what one particular friend of mine was emailing me about . I reminded her that we had invited this couple over for dinner and we are trying to pick a date . She became irrationally jealous and demanded to see the email . I refused . I 've been hooked up with crazy before and nobody runs my life but me . No , you may not read my email . Either you love me , trust me and want to be with me or you don 't . It 's actually pretty simple . T 's best friend came over to watch football with us on Sunday morning . That was pleasant . The Seahawks scraped a win over Chicago , the Saints won but we didn 't get to see that game . Monday : Happy to have a job that pays the bills , and somewhere to go 5 days a week . I need to get my life back . I just don 't understand why the gender of the person I sleep with is of any interest to anyone . Why does it matter ? Seriously , who the hell cares ? We are good people , charitable and kind , pay our taxes , don 't cause trouble , pick up after our dogs , contribute to our communities . . . what difference can it possibly make to anyone if we are both women ? a squirrel riding a raft down the Willamette River yesterday . A little raft , just a squirrel sized raft . No paddle , no sail , just a couple of pieces of wood lashed together . I wonder ; where was he going ? Come Monday it all turned around . I don 't know if she still wants to move back to Gramma 's house , but her sullen attitude has disappeared and she is back to her good natured self . That 's a relief . I wasn 't looking forward to kicking her and T out of the house . Much . Well , after busting our butts to make everything work out for the niece , she wants to move back to Gramma 's house . Sheesh . She spent the weekend with her grandmother , T 's mom . On Friday afternoon she didn 't want to go at all . But , her granny misses her and we were going out on Saturday night , and it just seemed like a good time to have her spend the weekend over there . So , even though she was dragging her feet , she was hauled over the river for the weekend . When we picked her up yesterday afternoon , wow , did we ever get the attitude ! We walked in the door , she glared at us and said , " I 'm not ready . " Ok . Fine . Finish what you are doing and we 'll go when you are ready . Gramma had treated her like visiting royalty , apparently . Bought her new outfits , took her for a haircut , let her skip church , basically let her do whatever she wanted . I know that since she has grown up there , Gramma 's house is her comfort zone . But , Gramma was on her best behavior and not treating her like she ordinarily does . Ordinary is bossing her around but never letting her make a decision ; lots of yelling but very little communication ; never going anywhere but Walmart ( unless it 's Costco ) . Gramma also sent her home with bags of junk food ~ a giant box of pop tarts , a giant bag of candy corn , bags of chips . We are not starving the girl by any stretch , but we don 't keep candy or pop tarts in the house and chips are a treat , not a staple . She is also extremely good at manipulating Gramma and her dad and brother . She is smarter than her dad and brother and knows it and runs them pretty mercilessly . And , since Grandma is nearly deaf , A sasses her all the time and Gramma can 't hear it . She has also decided that the mainstream classes she fought to get into are too hard and she doesn 't want to go anymore . So , we head back to the house and she is silent the whole way . Comes in the house , picks up the laptop and marches straight up to her room . Won 't exchange a word with us . T goes up to her room to talk to her and it 's the typiPosted by T stuck her nose in someone else 's business last weekend . Not usually a good idea and she almost got it bitten off this time . T has had a couple of relationships end because of cheating . The most painful was with a woman she really thought she would spend the rest of her life with . And the worst thing ? Yep , her girlfriend left her for a man . Ugh . She 's pretty sensitive about the whole issue . So , last weekend we were supposed to go to a party at an old friend 's house . T has known this woman for decades but had fallen out of touch over the last 5 or 6 years . They reconnected early this year and have been hanging out a little and just having a good time reminiscing about days gone by . This old gal , Buck and her girlfriend , Tiffany , have been together for about a dozen years . They are an odd pair , but pretty well suited . They like some pretty kinky stuff and it can 't be that easy to find a partner who goes in for that kind of … pleasure . T called Tiffany on Friday to ask what we should bring to the party and got an earful ! It seems that Buck had taken off for the beach with another mutual friend . Not only that , but left with her strap and toys packed to go . She even had the nerve to tell Tiffany to go out and buy a new strap for when she got home ! [ Insert stunned expression here . ] T immediately called Buck 's cell phone and left a message . Then she left a text for Pam , the mutual " friend . " Both had posted something on their FB walls and T commented on both of them . Ok , here 's my confession : when T read to me what Pam had written , I offered a comment . But , really it was because I thought it sounded more poetic . Pam said , " What a great day ! " T 's comment , " A beautiful day for betrayal . " That was mine . T was going to say something like : you are a nasty , trashy ho and I hope you drown in the ocean . Then T called Tiffany back and they talked for quite some time about how horrible it all was . There was some more back and forthing with the cheaters ( I 'll just add that Pam is both married to a man aPosted by I participated last year , but this year I am committed to riding 100 % of the month . I rode about half of July and all but one day in August , and so far I have ridden every work day in September . I was wavering one morning last week when the rain was pouring down but one of my coworkers texted me and asked if she could ride with me . What could I say ? " Meet me at Multnomah and 16th . " And off we went into the watery world of the Pacific Northwest . Here are just a few observations from my ride . I don 't wear makeup and it 's a good thing . The morning of the downpour I reached up to wipe the streaming rain off my chin and could feel the moisturizer running down my neck . It 's good to wear contacts in the rain . Without windshield wipers for your glasses , it 's a pretty blurry ride . Men don 't have enough opportunities to wear skin - tight clothing . The fully outfitted , spandex - clad gear heads make up a large part of the biking public around here . I have noticed that men particularly like to wear those full - on bike outfits ; you know the ones , with the sport logo jerseys and the skin - tight pants . When they are walking their bikes through a pedestrian area , they can often be seen stroking their legs and prancing just a little . I believe that they like the feel of their legs encased in smooth , clingy fabric . If men were ' allowed ' to wear clingy fabrics in their every day lives , they would be more likely to bike in ordinary clothes . I love my bike . Love , love , love my bike . LOVE . MY . BIKE ! My bike is the most elegant thing I own . I don 't wear elegant clothes ; I don 't drive an elegant car … when you look at me you are more likely to think ' practical ' rather than elegant . But my bike , ahh , she is lovely . I 've named her Helen M * rren because she is elegant , beautiful and tough ( and sessy ! ) . She is a Trek Allant , the green women 's version . She has two full fenders , which are essential in this climate . She came with a frame for a front basket and I have found one that suits her just right . My mom is going to Posted by A little late , but a weekend round up . Friday afternoon we went to a high school football game . The niece is attending the same high school that my daughter went to and it continues to be a funny kind of redux to go through all of this again . If you follow me on Twitter , you 'll know that we won the game . : - ) Friday night I went to my book group . I have been in this group for 18 years . Wow . Time just slips by . Not all of the members have kids , but about half of us have daughters the same age who all went to school together . We get the monthly update of what everyone 's kids are doing and although we don 't see them often it 's great to stay connected . We are a very lax and accepting book group and usually only half of us have read the book . Someone once suggested that we call ourselves the Book Admirers . We like the name ! Saturday morning taught a couple of little kids martial art classes , then went back to the school in the afternoon to teach a women and teen girls self defense class . There were several teenagers who were getting ready to go off to college and their moms had insisted that they take the class before they go . Thank god for moms . The teenagers never want to be there , but almost always end up enjoying it and feeling empowered . I had my usual struggle with overwhelming emotion but was able to keep moving through it . Some day the past will lose its hold over me but in the meantime I will just have to keep working at it . On Saturday night we went to the neighborhood party that occurs at the end of summer . We live in a small neighborhood and instead of individual block parties we have one big one . We definitely wanted to go and introduce the niece to various people . She absolutely amazed me on Saturday ! She is ordinarily a shy person , but at the party she really stepped out of her comfort zone . A woman I know came over to say hi and I introduced her to T and the niece . I asked her if she knew any kids who were freshmen at the same high school . She said that her twin boys were freshmen but going to diffePosted by Here 's where I confess that I am not perfect . * T and the niece are driving me crazy ! It 's not anything specific that either of them are doing , it 's just that they are so very … there . T has a big personality and I 've pretty much adjusted to her . But , she is unsure of herself in this new role as parent , and that is making her question me constantly about whether or not she should do this , that , or the other . Just because I have raised one kid doesn 't make me an expert ! Sure , she turned out pretty well , but I made plenty of mistakes . And the niece . She has this habit of standing right behind us . I 've actually turned around in the kitchen and bumped into her , she was so close . I understand that she is in a new environment , that she doesn 't know me all that well , that everything in her life has changed , but please child , give me some room ! She is following me around like a puppy . And then there 's the rest of the family ! T 's sister is on the phone every day and has been over to the house several times . T 's mom and brother and nephew have been over . Of course they miss the girl and want to see her room and all of that stuff , and it 's all good in general , but there is just no break from them . I feel like it 's ten thousand of them versus one of me . I 'm outnumbered ! The topper ? T offered to dog - sit for an ex of hers this week . We have an elderly miniature dachshund underfoot as well . ARGH ! One that is pampered and treated like a baby and expects to sleep IN the BED with me and T . Under the covers ! And came to our house stinky and with FLEAS ! It 's too much . One week down , three years and fifty one weeks to go … * Just for the record , I do not think that I am perfect . I am a flawed individual who is showing signs of strain . What 's new with me , you ask ? Well , pull up a chair ! My mom is having a skin cancer removed today . I 'm waiting anxiously to hear how it goes . Of course , the lab work won 't be done for several days and as we all know , the waiting is the hardest part . I 'm actually nervous as hell , because she survived breast cancer a dozen years ago but still smokes . Stubborn old thing . I 'm holding the good thought . Last weekend I completed my apprenticeship as a self defense instructor . Yay ! Whew ! I am so glad that is done ! It 's been a long two years , but I finished . So , what happens now ? I continue teaching self defense , but now I get paid for it . There isn 't enough work for me to quit my day job , but my long term plan is to reduce my job to part time and teach self defense on the other days . We 'll see how that will play out . My partner 's niece is moving in with us next week . I am deeply ambivalent about this , but on balance I know it 's the right thing to do . Still , what middle aged , retired - from - parenting , hard working , busy , menopausal woman would be jumping for joy over this ? The girl has been living with her grandmother ( T 's mom ) for over ten years and while she was young it was an acceptable arrangement . Now that she is an adolescent , however , it 's not working . Grandma is tired and cranky . She is also nearly completely deaf . Oh my god , the shouting at their house ! I can 't stand it . They are all loud talkers anyway , but now that their mom 's hearing has gone , it is just too damned loud . Angela is fifteen and starting as a freshman this year . She is one year behind her peers chronologically , but many years behind academically . She definitely has a learning disability and has been in special ed for the last few years , but I have to disagree with the diagnosis on her IEP . They have labeled her as mentally retarded , but I think she needs to be retested . We have an appointment next week with the school counselor and will be able to ask all the questions then . She is currently reading the fourth Twilight book , Posted by Good : I 've been riding my bike to work for the past few weeks . It feels so good ! I got a new bike for my birthday ( thanks baby ! ) and it is such a pleasure to ride . My route is about 5 miles long , across the river and through downtown . Portland is a pretty good place for bicyclists . There are lots of bike lanes and by and large drivers are pretty aware of bikes . Predictable : Just when things are starting to settle down from the academic / fiscal year turnover , BAM ! A new , giant project drops in my lap . One I 'm not excited about . I may push it off on one of my staff … Undecided : It 's looking more and more like my girlfriend 's niece will be moving in with us . She is spending a few days with us right now and discussions are continuing with all the adults in the family over whether or not she should move . I 'm ambivalent about the whole thing , truth be told , because we would be giving up a lot of the easy parts of our daily life . We have talked about it a lot and I have told T that she is going to have to be the primary parent . She is going to have to sit down with the girl every day after school and help her with her homework . She 'll have to do the majority of the parent / teacher stuff . She 'll have to be the responsible one . Of course , I will be helping and contributing as well , but she will have to be in the driver 's seat . We 've had her at the house for the weekend and I 'm already exhausted just by having to interact with another individual . We 'll adjust , of course , but it 's not going to be easy . Good thing she 's a pretty darned good kid . Issues , yes , but overall pretty good . I know that we will be doing a good thing by having her come and live with us , but it 'll be four years of parenting to get her through high school . Sigh . Here 's what I 'm thinking about today : work , and how to do less of it . So , my partner has been laid off and working only sporadically for the last year and a half . This is hard on both of us . Partly because of the money , of course , and partly because of the self esteem ( for her ) and the resentment ( for me ) . I 'm trying not to be resentful , really I am ! It 's just that I hardly ever get to just hang around at home and I would love to do that more . I can tell you one thing for sure , if I had all the time off that she does , the house would be cleaner , the laundry would be caught up , the tv would NOT be on … but , to be fair , the grass would not be cut , the weeds would not be pulled … etc . She does the chores she likes . And , she cooks dinner about 95 % of the time . Thank the goddess for that , otherwise we might starve . I hate to cook . I have 16 years of service at my present employer . How did it rack up so high ? Day by day , I guess . I was only going to work here a couple of years … . So , my thought now is that I will stick it out for 4 more years and get to 20 . At that point , I would like to either work here part time , say 20 hours a week , or work somewhere entirely different . I won 't be old enough to collect retirement for a few more years , but I 'll be getting close . The more sensible thing would be to work here part time , since I 'll be accruing time off and sick leave at the highest rate and have all that seniority . I might look into a job share position . Ideally , I 'd like to work two 10s . The other option I am considering is training for medical coding . A lot of coders work from home , even those in my archaic department . Work one day in the office and a couple of days from home . That would be do - able . Back to the girlfriend : she wants to do something different , and I think that is a good idea . She has been in construction for 30 years and it has taken a toll on her body . She is getting too old and stiff and sore to keep up that kind of physical work . And yet , she doesn 't want a sitting down job . She Posted by I 've been busy of late . My work has been crazy , what with vacations ( others , not my own ) , sick calls , maternity leave , etc . Some days there just aren 't enough of us left to hold down the fort . I 've also been busy with my martial art and self defense instructing . I 'm going to be able to finish my apprenticeship but just barely squeaking it in under the wire . Whew ! Unfortunately , we are teaching a lot of kids classes right now since a 7 year old boy went missing over a week ago . Talk about a sick and sad feeling . I can 't imagine what the families are going through . We are in the middle of the house guest blitz and have a short lull before the next one . All of that should taper off in mid - July . I 've missed reading your blogs ! If you have noticed a lack of commentary from me , it 's only because I haven 't had time to get on line . . . not because I am lacking an opinion about every damn thing ! I 'm trying to catch up , but some will just have to go unread ( or at least uncommented ) . Tonight is T 's niece 's 8th grade graduation . That 's sure to be a good time . . . No rest for the weary ! We spent a pleasant hour this morning counter - protesting the idiots from Westb * ro Baptist Church . They were picketing at my daughter 's old high school and I 'm not taking that lying down . What a bunch of lunatics ! All they 've done is mobilize the sane people to take a stand against them . And , just before Pride ! My camera is misbehaving lately , so I only have a couple of blurry phone pictures . I 'm gonna look for some pictures online , because Portland can be pretty colorful when it comes to gay protests . That 's me with the sign saying , " Don 't be a HATER " . So , the couple 's therapy . Yeah . It 's going pretty well , I think . We like our therapist . She is very gentle with us but doesn 't let us off the hook if we try and avoid stuff . She gave us a book to read ( two copies , no squabbling over who gets to read first ) that is pretty interesting and has some different ways of looking at arguing . It 's called , After the Honeymoon , by Daniel B Wile … . In case you 're interested . Last week it was my turn to talk about my past . Oof . Somehow stuff I hadn 't thought about in decades was bubbling up . That makes it a lot harder to keep it shoved down and out of sight ! Yes , I know , that 's kind of the point , but still . I get along just fine without dealing with my baggage . Or do I ? Argh ! I am not accustomed to letting someone rummage around in my head ! Fortunately , I am narcissistic enough to partly enjoy talking about myself . Only partly though , because I also prefer to keep most of my feelings and thoughts to myself . All of this revelation is exhausting ! I think that it is already having a positive effect on our communication issues . We are being more considerate of each other ~ most of the time . We haven 't resolved anything , but I think we are just more aware of our words and actions . So , that 's good . The therapist is on vacation for the next couple of weeks . We 'll see her next the day before I leave to visit my daughter . I 'm sure these next two weeks will be lovely ! Today is my daughter 's birthday . She is 26 ! She is a beautiful , intelligent , compassionate , lovely person . I miss her every single day . I don 't get to see her today so instead I am going to have dinner with my parents and we 'll toast her on her special day and bemoan the fact that she doesn 't live closer . I 'm going to visit her in early May and I can 't wait . Happy Birthday , Baby Girl ! I love you more than all the rain in the Pacific Northwest ; more than all the soybeans in Iowa ; more than all the fruitcake in California ! You are the best thing about my life . XOXOXOXOOXOXOXLove , Yr mama So , last week my girl and I went shopping for a new strap . The old one just didn 't do anything for me ~ didn 't fit right , wasn 't comfortable , just wasn 't working . I really , really like the new one and have been using it enthusiastically ! Now , I have to ask a question . Does anyone else name their dildos ? Surely I 'm not the only one with that particular quirk . My vibrators have also been named ~ Mr Thumb and The Armadillo . Our current dildos are Timmy , the little , swirly blue one and Jeremiah , the hefty big boy . Tragically , on Thursday evening , we had an unexpected and alarming occurrence . We were in the groove , going to town , getting close , when I murmured , " Turn over , baby . " I sat up on my knees , started to pull out , and looked down . Holy Shit on Fire ! Timmy broke off ! In my girl ! The only thing holding him on was the condom ! Naturally , I did what a good partner does . Kept my mouth shut , grabbed the broken end and finished the job with my hand doing the work . Then , after the moaning subsided , I confessed . We killed poor little Timmy . We laughed about that for quite a while . It 's still bringing a smile to my lips . And , another trip to the toy store is planned for this weekend … Happy Friday ! We interviewed three therapists yesterday and have one more today . Man , am I exhausted ! I 've never actually chosen a shrink this way before and while I think it 's much better to be able to make an informed decision , it is hard to keep going over your problems with complete strangers . Each one was different . So far the first one is the one we liked the best . She was quite participatory in her interaction with us . We are not looking for someone to just spill our guts to and then walk away . No , not into the Freudian method of talk , talk , talk . We want someone to help us understand and change some patterns we 've fallen into that aren 't working . We need concrete suggestions . This woman understood that . She also says that she uses a collaborative method with couples ~ just using the word " collaborative " was a plus in my opinion . The second one was lousy and we left there feeling quite depressed . She managed to elicit only negative comments from us and we both felt that this was going to lead us in the wrong direction . The third was ok , but she was really focused on the fact that T didn 't think we needed counseling and kept on pushing her to explore that . Plus , she has some goofy fee structure that lets her charge more for afternoon and evening appointments and less for mornings . I mean , I get that supply and demand are the forces that drive our economy , but it felt too much like a slick gym membership . So , we 've got one more to interview today . She 'll have to be pretty awesome to beat out therapist number one . In between our appointments two and three yesterday we were going to stop at our favorite used house parts store and look for a window for the upstairs bathroom . On the way over there I said , " Hey , let 's stop in at that new sex toy shop ! I would really like a new strap ! " Well , really , our relationship can 't be that bad if we are shopping for sex toys in between shopping for therapists . Right ? Yes , I did get a new one and some fancy lube , and a little bullet vibrator . Too worn out to try thePosted by First , an apology . I 'm sorry I have been so remiss in blogging ! I have a lot on my plate right now and am in a bit of a funk , and that combination leaves little resource for putting coherent thoughts together . However , here are a few bullets to just scratch the surface of what 's going on in my tiny world . • Relationship . When I told T that we needed to see a counselor , it had the effect of making us more sensitive to each other , and kinder in our communication , at least for a while . That effect has worn off , though , and we are back to our reactive patterns . My goal is to have an appointment next week and start really working on these issues . • Work . ARGH ! Still happy to be employed , but the piling on of ever more tasks is wearing me down . Also , our half - time person quit and the rest of the staff and I are taking turns doing her job one day a week . Ends up being a very unproductive day . Get this : she emailed me while she was on vacation to say that a manager in another area would be calling for a reference . Never said a word prior to that , never really turned in her notice . Brat . • Gym . Thank god for the gym ! I have only lost about 5 pounds since the beginning of the year but I know I 've lost some girth . I can tell by the fit of my blue cords . They slip right on these days … yay ! And , I just feel so good after a vigorous workout . Very good for the mental health . • The Kid . I 'm going to visit my daughter for a long weekend in May . I 'm so happy about that ! I haven 't seen her for a year and a half and that is just killing me . I 'm only going for 4 days because I don 't want to be too much of an aggravation ~ plus , I can 't stand the boyfriend . But , she and I have some really fun gardening projects planned . We 're building some raised beds in her back yard ! Another Yay ! • Deadlines . I have a deadline of June for completing my apprenticeship in the self defense instructor program . I still have several classes to teach and I am going to be pushing right up against the deadline . I can 't bear the tPosted by Lately , my girlfriend and I have been communicating poorly . I don 't know why , but we have been getting our backs up at every little thing and getting our noses out of joint and our feelings hurt . We are taking offense at things that aren 't meant badly and are arguing way too much . I don 't like it ! Like every couple , we have our issues . They just happen to be flaring up and threatening to burn us to a scorched cinder . My biggest issue with her is her jealousy . Her biggest issue with me is ( probably ) my wanting to spend time with other people . Of course , I 'm guessing about that because she hasn 't outright said that it 's her biggest issue . T is one of joined at the hip types . I am not . That 's an issue . This weekend I suggested that we make an appointment with a therapist to get at this whole arguing , sniping , shitty attitude thing . She was shocked that I thought it was " bad enough . " Well , I 'd rather deal with it now than let it get bigger and uglier . That road has one outlet ~ the breakup . Of course , as soon as I said we needed to work on it , she jumped to the conclusion that I 've met someone else . Gah ! So frustrating ! NO ! I haven 't met anyone , I 'm not looking to meet anyone , I want to be with her ~ it just shouldn 't be this hard . So , this week I will be looking for a couples counselor , preferably a lesbian , and making an appointment . Sigh . My girlfriend 's former sister - in - law was in town for a week and I 've just about bitten my tongue completely off . They had a great time , and she 's a really nice woman , but the constant praising of the man they have in common was nauseating . T 's brother has been dead for about ten years . I 've heard a lot of stories about how charming and funny and persuasive he was . He was the family favorite , a jokester , a card , a cut - up , a great dancer , a good friend , could talk you out of the shirt on your back . Notice that he could talk you out of the shirt on your back , not that he would give you the shirt off his back . He died of complications of hard living . He was a drug user for years - and I 'm not talking pot , here . He used heroine for many , many years . He was clean from time to time but couldn 't stay sober . I 'm not judging him on that count , though . There are too many substance abusers in my own family to point any fingers . He was also a world class womanizer and a sex addict by all accounts . Some of the stories I have heard are beyond appalling . He drugged and raped one of T 's girlfriends ; he beat up this gal who was visiting us four times before she finally decided she had had enough . Apparently he would fuck anything because I heard a story from T 's half - brother that Mike showed up at a job site once with a goat in his truck . Not sure I actually believe that one … But the rest of it is absolutely reprehensible . He also embezzled hundreds of thousands of dollars from a business that he had with T . All gone - to be injected into his veins . He died leaving her holding the empty bag . It took her years to settle with the federal government and she still has a huge judgment against her in the state of Oregon . Oregon takes all of her tax refund every year in the nearly futile attempt to recoup the lost money . Now , since we are registered domestic partners , they take my tax refund too . Yes , yes , I can file an innocent spouse form … but still . I know that we look at the people we love through rose coloredPosted by We have had freezing temperatures , ice , snow , wind , and rain , rain , rain . Even though we are in an El Nino pattern , we have been getting plenty of rain . I mention it only because when you have a " water intrusion " as the building trades like to call it ( aka a leak ) , you do notice the unremitting rain . However , all is not dreary and gray ! No indeed , with the above average temperatures that El Nino brings , we are starting to see early spring flowers popping up . I should be worried about them ; they should be worried about themselves . It 's really too early to be bursting into bloom . February is known around here as the ice storm month for good reason . But , I am so happy to see them ! In my yard , the winter blooming jasmine is sporting sunny yellow flowers . OK , it 's a winter bloomer , not a sign of early spring , but I love it anyway . Cheers for the jasmine ! Thanks for the joy ! My neighbor 's yard is rife with daphne , and they are just starting to send out their heady fragrance . Do you like the smell of daphne ? It reminds me of Froot Loops cereal , so sweet ! There are bulb - borne flowers starting to push out of the ground , strong , sturdy , sword - like leaves are cleaving their way through the soil . Tulips , hyacinths , daffodils . Even the hydrangea is showing new leaf buds on its winter scarred branches . I wasn 't sure we 'd get any hydrangeas after that cold snap and snow storm . It is such a fibrous plant that it dies right back in the cold . Ours seems to have survived . Some planting guides suggest that we can put peas in the ground now ( snow peas , I 'd guess ) , but I 'm going to wait just a little longer for that . That would be tempting fate , tempting the weather gods just a little too much . What are your favorite spring flowers ? What 's blooming in your yard or neighborhood ? I went to an early morning workout at my gym yesterday and wow ! I am sore all over ! I 'm not going to call it a New Year 's resolution because that feels too compulsory to me . I have been intending to get back into better shape , lose some weight , and just feel better for some time now . I guess the turning of the year is merely a symbolic time to start . I am not especially inactive . I teach martial arts to kids three days a week . There is always some running around in those classes . But , teaching the class is not the same as taking the class . You get a much better workout taking the class . My job is very sedentary though . I sit in front of a computer all day long , five days a week . My home life has become rather sedentary too . Way too much time spent sitting on the couch watching tv , or sitting and reading . Don 't get me wrong ; I would rather read than do just about anything . But , it 's not contributing to my physical wellness . My martial art school also has a gym . I love it because you can get an amazing workout without all the spandex attitude . The first time I took a fitness class it was taught by an artistically tattooed dyke wearing cut - off plaid men 's trousers and a tank top . She kicked our butts ! One of my support staff team members also works out there . I asked her last week if she would be interested in going to the early morning ' boot camp ' class two days a week and carpooling to work afterward . She loved the idea . We went yesterday and we 're going again tomorrow . It feels so good afterwards ! |
Growing up , my older brothers and I were complete opposites . They were social , fun , and rebellious while I was shy , boring , and compliant . So much in fact , that my aunts and uncles would ask me to baby sit my cousins while they went out to run errands . I didn 't mind . I was happy that someone trusted me enough to let me take care of their children . I made sure my cousins watched appropriate shows on T . V . , ate enough food , and stayed out of trouble . I was only five years older , but I felt like an adult . They would tell me when they were having a bad day and I would try my best to let them know that everything would be okay . I made sure they felt protected under my watch . I was with them during the good times and the bad . They became the brothers that I never had as a child . They grew into responsible teenagers in front of my eyes , and that 's something I 'm very proud of witnessing . Ever since I can remember , this cousin of mine has had a very difficult life . His mom passed away when he was around eight years old . I remember that day . And how everyone in my house cried . And mourned . And cried some more . I can 't imagine the feeling of losing a mother . But he continued on . He got retained from the third grade because he stayed a little longer in Mexico for his mother 's funeral . He had to make new friends and watched his other cousins celebrate school achievements a year ahead of him . Although he always struggled with school , he kept on trying . At the age of fifteen , his dad got deported back to Mexico . I can 't imagine what was going through his head when he found out , but again he kept going . He kept going after his two surgeries for his bad ankles , when he stayed in the hospital for weeks because he was malnourished , or when people constantly teased him because they never considered to be smart . I doubt he even cares . See , my cousin has family that loves him . And I think that 's what keeps him going . During family events he shares his stories and tells jokes that make everybody in the room laugh . He is as care free as can be and everyone loves him . So we were surprised when we heard what happened a few months ago . I was with my best friend in San Francisco when my little brother called me . I thought it was strange . My brother never called me . He asked if I was sitting down and I assured him that I was . His voice sounded different . As if he had just finished crying . He told me that he didn 't want to worry me , but that he was at the hospital with the family . I was confused , so I asked what was wrong . He didn 't say anything . He began crying . I had never heard my little brother cry so hard before . It was painful . Again , I asked what was wrong . A few seconds went by then I heard him say , " they shot Miguel . " I don 't remember much after that . I remember my best friend walking me out to the car because I couldn 't stop crying . I remember talking to my family on my phone , asking how my cousin was doing , and crying some more . I remember crying myself to sleep around three in the morning . I went to visit him when I returned from San Francisco around midnight . There were around ten or so people in the room visiting him . My cousins said that the night before around twenty people showed up . He was lying there on his bed . He couldn 't talk and he was having a hard time keeping his eyes open . Finally , he looked up and saw me . I didn 't know what to say to him . He stared , smiled , and gave me a thumps up . I tried my best not to cry . I smiled and gave a thumps up as well . Over the next few weeks , my family visited him at the hospital . A few of my cousins slept over on their days off work . He was able to go home three weeks later , but had a hard time walking and talking . He lost fifteen pounds from all the surgeries and had to drop out of school for the semester . He stopped working also . His life completely changed , but his personality stayed the same . A few weeks ago , I took him out to eat . He couldn 't remember getting shot , but he did remember waking up in the hospital and seeing his family . He was thankful and happy to see us . We continued talking about life and his future . And all of a sudden I saw him as the five year old kid that I used to baby sit . And just like that , I was taking care of him again . And I realized just how short our lives can really be . Like always , he keeps telling us jokes , makes us laugh , and continues to smile through every obstacle . I really don 't know how he does it . He 's got the spirit of a champ . But I guess that 's something nobody can take away from him . His name was Justin , a sailor who had recently moved from Maine to San Francisco in order to attend the local community college . He was white , short , and skinny . He often wore tight t - shirts , tight cut - off shorts , and too much makeup that made him look feminine . He fit my stereotypical image of a gay man , so I knew he was gay when I first saw him . He was flamboyant when he wanted to be and usually spoke whatever was on his mind , no matter how inappropriate his comments were at times . We were the complete opposites , but we got along quite well . We shared details about our lives during the first days he moved into the house , and we quickly developed a friendship . I wanted to be completely honest with him , so I decided to tell him I was gay . At first , he looked at me in shock and then , very excitedly , told me he would take me to gay clubs , bars , and show me around the city . I smiled . He was my first true friend in San Francisco . On our first night out , Justin gave me vodka to calm my nerves , but I felt more nervous and drunk by the time we arrived at the club . Once inside , I couldn 't believe I was seeing men kiss , touch , and dance with each other . Suddenly , I became part of the gay world and I felt strange and partly scared . I wanted to go back , but Justin didn 't allow me . My world had just been changed and Justin was to thank . While inside the club , Justin warned me that the gay world was all about sex and that I should be careful because men in these clubs prey on younger guys . I looked around and saw a room full of friendly men ; his comment confused me . He advised that long - distance relationships do not work because most gay guys cheat ; I assured him that my boyfriend and I were happy even if we were living far away from each other . Finally , he told me that most gay guys in the community have fucked around with each other , so a true gay platonic friendship was rare . I didn 't know what to say ; I had no intentions of messing around with him . That night an older man tried to take me to his place because he knew I was drunk . Luckily , Justin found me before my panic attack worsened and we took a taxi back home . After that incident , he told me that he would be there to protect me . And he kept his word . I can go on and tell you about the many times Justin took care of me when we went out clubbing or how he called me a prude for being so afraid to show my sexuality . Or that one night he said I dressed too " straight " and decided to dress me in a tight flannel shirt that showed some skin . Or how we spent hours in his room talking about music , our families , our relationships , and the little friends we had . But that 's not the story I want to tell . I had only known him for 2 months before he moved back home , but that was enough for us to consider each other friends . But soon I became busy with school and we hardly talked . I last messaged Justin a few weeks before his death to tell him that my boyfriend had cheated on me throughout our relationship . Justin was right , gay guys often cheat . Truth of the matter , Justin had been going through some hard times . He didn 't have many true gay friends he could talk with about his problems , so he often took trips by himself when he wanted to clear his head . I often wonder what would have happened if I was there to talk with him during the night he fell off the tower . Truth is , I often think about him . You see , Justin tried to teach me about the gay community , but he taught me about life . Older , more experienced , individuals can take advantage of younger , less experienced , people . Sometimes relationships just end or people cheat while being in one . More importantly , he taught me that true friends are rare . On the night he moved out , we were avoiding that awkward goodbye hug . Finally , after constantly checking his room for any missing belongings , he approached me . He gave me a hug and said that I was one of the good guys . He said that I shouldn 't be afraid of being myself , my gay self , and to take care of myself . I told him I would try to be more gay and for him to take care of himself too . If I knew that would be the last time we would see each other , I would have hugged him longer and tighter . I would have thanked him for being there to teach me about the world and for protecting me from the bad guys . I would have told him that I loved him for being himself . I would have told him that he could always talk to me whenever he wanted to cry . But I didn 't say any of that . To tell you the truth , I never really expected anyone to care about what I wrote on my blog or to get many positive comments . I really didn 't . I wrote because I knew I would have the option to click on my posts , read them , and go back to a period of time in my life . Times where I was happy and times were I was sad . I 've been doing that lately . I know later in my life I will see certain events differently or completely forget certain memories because memories really do fade away . So I 'm glad that you 're here with me because you 're giving me a new reason to share . I write because I want you to know my story and I appreciate you reading my blog . No joke . A few bloggers have told me that they like my style of writing ( that 's the first time I 've been told I have style ) . I have also been thanked for sharing stories that are so personal . Honestly , I didn 't know how personal my stories were until I was told they were very personal and I don 't think I will ever change that about my blog . All my posts ( except for this one ) have taken me days to write because I really do want you to understand how I felt during that moment in my life . A few bloggers have shared similar experiences that remind me that sometimes we go through the same things . I get happy when I see a notification and see that it 's a comment from a blogger that has something nice to say about my post . Those are the best . So what I want to do is ask you all a question ( well a few questions actually ) . Which is your favorite post of mine and why ? What is it about my blog that you like the most ? What would you like to know more about ? " The brother who left my life " because I never expected to publish that story on this blog . I was literally scared of exposing that side of myself . You were the first people to hear about that event in my life . Two days later , I told my best friend and I remember crying in the car . It was something special really . Those are three of my favorite . I hope I hear more from all of you . I 'm really curious to know what makes people click on the like button . I really have no clue . I think my posts are too simple to be considered well - written or engaging . They are just simple posts from a simple guy . This is the one of the most honest and sensitive topics I will write about . I hope you read until the end before you judge . It will mean a lot to me . Thank you . I want to tell you about my older brother . He was the second child in the family and only three years older than myself . I looked up to him as a kid because he took care of me , plain and simple . I remember how he used to come up with these crazy funny jokes that made everybody in the room laugh and he had a laugh that would make us laugh some more . He introduced me to new music , hairstyles , fashion trends , graffiti , cigarettes , youth gangs , and the way drugs worked . He was amazing . But as much as I hate to think about him as a person with great potential who let drugs take over his life , I know that 's the truth . He started drinking and smoking weed in junior high and soon upgraded to doing heroin and cocaine while in high school . During his senior year , the drugs took over and he started to act paranoid . He stayed up during most nights , checked the windows , and insisted people were coming to harm the family . In his head , he was only trying protecting us just like he did when I was younger . But as a teen , I didn 't want any protection . One night I was frustrated with the way he was behaving that I started yelling at him to act normal and stop pretending to be mentally ill ( I will never assume someone is faking ever again ) . I don 't know how it happened , but I remember that suddenly my brother was on top of me and he started choking me . I couldn 't move . All I could do was stare at his face . He looked so terrified . From there one , I just remember how cold his hands felt around my neck . That was the first and last time he ever laid his hands on me . My oldest brother came rushing downstairs , pulled my brother off , threw him to the ground , started hitting him , and told him to never hit me again . He kept his word . After that incident , I convinced myself to never talk to my brother again . I gave him the silent treatment which did a lot more damage than I had ever anticipated . I ignored his jokes and pretended he wasn 't my brother . I would leave the room when he wanted to talk . He would beg for me to listen , but I looked the other way . Ignoring him was the easy part , but noticing the real problem was the hardest . He soon starting behaving more psychotic . He stayed in the room for hours and laughed hysterically when he was by himself . He refused to eat and lost a lot of weight in a short period of time . He refused to take showers or clean himself after going to the bathroom . He would make stories up and believed there were people who wanted to harm the family . He was suffering , but I didn 't care . I always thought he was pretending . My cousins suggested that I talk to him because that is what he really wanted . I 'm not sure if talking to him would have prevented or prolonged his condition . I really don 't know . He soon got arrested for being in a gang neighborhood that his probation terms prohibited him from entering . That was his third strike , so he got deported back to Mexico . He remained there while I graduated high school , received my AA degree , and moved to San Francisco . He called home on his birthdays , December 31st , and my family would take turns talking to him on the phone . They would wish him a happy birthday and say that they loved and missed him . I would get skipped whenever it would be my turn ; my family knew that I didn 't want to talk to him . I now wished that I had . You see , my brother was living in a place where there continues to be many kidnappings and murders , and my family lost contact with him almost a year ago . My mom prays that he will one day show up and we will be a family again . She has hope . I don 't now how . I can 't imagine the pain of not knowing if your son is dead or alive . I hope I never do . I visited my mom a few months ago , walked in her room , and saw a small shrine of my older brother with a photo of him that was taken before he lost weight . I couldn 't help , but get sad . During that trip , I kept on thinking about how he didn 't see me graduate high school or wish me good luck before moving to San Francisco . I kept on thinking about how he missed out on my life . But then again I wasn 't there when he needed my help or when he got deported . I wasn 't there to wish him a happy birthday . I wasn 't there to tell him that everything would be okay and that we will soon be together . I wasn 't there to hug him when he needed it . Then I think think of all the things he won 't get to see . He won 't get to see me when I get married . He won 't be there to wish me good luck when I get my first professional job . He won 't be here when I adopt a child . He won 't be here to protect me anymore or to tell me that everything will be okay and that we will be together soon ; that makes me cry . I often wonder if he ever thought of me during those nights in Mexico . I was a bad person to him . I wouldn 't be surprised if he stopped caring . Truth is , I really miss my older brother . He was a good person that just needed help . I can 't take back what I did ( or didn 't do ) . It 's too late for that now . All I can do is hope that he 's in a good place right now , and to tell you that I love him . I never thought I would tell you personal stories of myself , but today I feel different . I feel a bit unhappy . I want to tell you about my summer before I moved to San Francisco . It was a summer of exploring , and man did I explore ( literally and metaphorically ) . I was still in the closet , just turned 21 , and pretty nervous about moving away from my family . I had never traveled outside of Orange County because I never had much of an excuse to venture out . I did all my traveling in my head and I was okay with that . I was originally going to move out with three friends , but in the end all three couldn 't go and I was left to move out by myself ; I got scared . I didn 't want to tell my family because I never told them that I was planning to move away . I felt lonely , but a different kind of loneliness . I was talking less to my family and friends , and more to a guy . My family never knew about him , and I doubt they ever will . I find that sad . He meant a lot to me . To tell you the truth , he still does . I met him that summer on an online dating site . We met and hooked up that night . As much as I would like to change our first date to be on a beach under the stars hearing the waves , I know that I can 't . That doesn 't make me like him any less . I think he liked me as well because we would text all day and talk all night . We would talk about what we liked and what we wanted out of our futures . I was surprised that I could relate to all the cliche summer fling stories I heard about , and I was happy . I will never forget that summer . I was living in a movie and I didn 't want my summer to end . I was naive and in love . He was seven years older than I was , but he made me smile , a happy smile , a real smile . Before knowing him , my only interaction with the gay community in Orange County came from sneaking out at night with men I had previously chatted with online . I was a random hook up to older gay men , a mediocre at best a lousy one at worst . I was new and would get nervous before every encounter , but soon those dark alley ways , dimly lit parks , and car seats were beginning to feel too familiar . My ex - boyfriend changed my view of the gay world . For once , I was being taken on dates to restaurants and hanging out in public places . Being gay felt normal and something that I didn 't have to hide . I loved every moment spent with him and soon I started to love him . I didn 't want to leave Orange County ; I thought he was my reason to stay and soon asked him out . Till this day I don 't know how I got enough courage to ask him if he would be my boyfriend , but I will never regret my decision . We continued talking . I told him my fears and how scared I was of moving away ( I forgot to tell him how much I feared losing him ) . He reassured me that San Francisco was the right move and that I should go . That made me feel good , and perhaps I used him or perhaps he used me . I still don 't know . He was there to drop me off at the train station and it felt like a scene from a movie . And that 's how my summer ended , full of promise and hope . Soon after I would learn the full story of my first boyfriend , and the drama that followed changed me completely . That 's a different story though and for a different post . I would like to end this post telling you how I loved that train ride to San Francisco . I was excited to move away and be independent . I wanted to explore the gay scene in San Francisco and learn more about myself . I remember looking out the window and thinking that this was the best decision I ever made . |
I 've personally known Karrnnel Sawitsky since 2007 , where my family and I first met him at Kenosee Lake Kitchen Party 's music camp . Since then , he has continued to delight us and all of his other audiences with his music . When Karrnnel made his first recording , I knew it was going to be very good because he is not only an excellent musician , he is a perfectionist . Everything about him , including his appearance , has the look of profession . I was not disappointed . His recording is one of the best I own and the best I 've heard . It 's Fiddle with a flair . It 's not just one genre ; it is many genres . How does one artist present such variety ? Well , first , you practice , play , perform and study for over 20 years . Then , you compose a selection of tunes that wow every audience gets to hear them . After that , you have your very talented and remarkable group of musician friends and acquaintances get together for a recording session . : - ) Then , one day while playing a rousing game of baseball , Mikey collapses and has to be rushed to the Emergency Room . He is diagnosed with a rare disease that has enlarged his heart to three times it 's normal size . Unless he gets a new one within days , he 'll die . Two choices . . . another heart or death . Of course , his parents opt for the heart transplant . But there is a problem : without their knowledge , their insurance has been cut down from total coverage to only $ 20 , 000 . A heart transplant costs upwards of $ 250 , 000 . John Q . Archibald is the gentlest man God ever created . He wouldn 't hurt a flea . But you don 't crowd a loving Daddy and his family back into a corner with no place to go . He 's liable to do the unthinkable . In this case , the unthinkable was taking the doctor responsible , the ER and everyone in it hostage until the case is won and his son has a new heart . 1 : How family oriented this film was . It 's all about family and the roles each member takes . " I 'm with my husband . Whatever he does it fine with me . " 2 : John Q . didn 't do the right thing by taking people hostage but even when he was doing wrong , you felt in his spirit that he only wanted to do what was right and best for his family . He was truly a generous and unselfish man . Just when you think the man had nothing left to give , he 'd give a whole lot more . My favorite Indiana Jones movie . I have always loved stories about King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table , so this film really hit the spot . But not only for that aspect of it . The movie is very well acted , with lots of history and laughs thrown in . Makes for an enjoyable evening of watching . One fine afternoon , Dr . Jones is followed and intercepted on his way home from the university . They bring him to a man who has in his possession part of a stone tablet and a request that Dr . Jones find it 's twin . On the tablet is depicted a riddle of the location of the Holy Grail . But there is a problem and it lies with the fact the tablet is broken , therefore part of the riddle is missing . This man needed to find the other tablet , which is in the tomb of one of the Knights of King Arthur 's assembly . Dr . Jones is impressed with the tablet but not by the request . His father had studied anything and everything related to the Holy Grail for over 30 years . In fact , the Grail was an obsession that took him away from his family and allowed room for few friends . Indy said that if they wanted someone to find the Holy Grail , his father would be a better pick . It was unfortunate , the man replied , but they had chosen Professor Jones first and he had gone missing . That was why they needed Indy . As you well may guess , Indy and his father had never been close . The very fact that Indy hadn 't realized that his father has been out of town for awhile says a lot for the amount of contact between the two . Immediately after the meeting , he rushed to his father 's home , only to find it had been ransacked . He stood in his father 's trashed living room and wondered who and why ? What are they looking for ? Where had his father disappeared to ? That was when he realized the package he received in the mail that day was his father 's Grail diary . The one Professor Jones wrote all of his notes in . . . all the clues , the maps . . . everything he had discovered in his 30 years of study . Indy knows his father would never part with his diary unless he thought it would be in danger . And if it were in danger , it meant that Professor Jones was also in danger . The two may not have been close , but Indy is a good son . His only reason for excepting the job to find the missing tablet is to search for any clues that might lead him to his father . 2 : 99 % of the special effects were so well done that you didn 't realize they were . 3 : Alison Doody was a beautiful woman and wonderful actor . She is my favorite of all Indy 's love interests . But she also had an appropriate end . My least favorite Indiana Jones movie . . . but there were some aspects of it that I really enjoyed . For instance , his child side - kick . He 's so funny and cute . . . a wonderful actor . Indiana Jones has just delivered a diamond to a customer and the customer just happens be a villain . Indy escapes with his life but just barely . But he also grabbed his customer 's show girl ( Kate Capshaw ) , a true blonde . She becomes his curse from that day forward , until they kiss in the end . They are found and led to a village who have been robbed of their magic , the Ankara Stone , which is the protection the people have from evil . Along with the stone , their children were all taken from them . They all point to the palace on a high hill as the place of great evil . They ask Indiana Jones if he will help them . He says yes , to his lady - friend 's dismay . When they reach the palace , they find an adventure beyond their wildest imaginations . But the trio are made welcome , fed a meal and given a place to sleep . Indiana Jones wonders if he is looking for trouble in the wrong place . But his suspicions are tripled with the meeting of the child emperor that rules the kingdom . The young boy seems strangely aloof . . . disoriented ; not a child at all . But it is when an assassin enters his quarters and tries to strangle him that Indy realizes he is really onto something . He begins to investigate in earnest and discovers that an ancient and evil religious sect has revived under the guidance of an evil priest . The missing children are slaves in the mines below the castle but one by one , they are drugged and used for human sacrifices and helpers to the priests . 4 : Of all the special effects , the ceremony of the temple is the best done . I must say that I enjoyed watching it , in spite of how evil and horrible it was . What helped with that aspect was the fact that they were not promoting idol worship or the religious cult . It is evil and they were showing it for how evil it was . 1 : Indy 's lady - friend . She was so coarse and so stupid . Lol . Poor Indy . He ends up with the worst of women . Always . Also note how poorly dressed she is most of the time . Dr . Jones is a dedicated professor of archaeologist . His classroom is filled with bored and somewhat starstruck students who don 't take him very seriously , except to write " love " " me " on their eyelids . But take off the scholarly glasses and the suit , replace them with clothes of the Aussie outback and a whip and Dr . Jones becomes a man of steel and action that his students would have never recognized . To the rest of the world , the studious Dr . Jones doesn 't exist . Only the whip cracking Indiana Jones who comes sweeping in to help if you 're in trouble or happen to possess an archaic object that he thinks should be in a museum . Regardless , wherever he goes , the bad guys are never far behind ! The government comes to Dr . Jones and his associates with a riddle to solve . They have cracked a German code but they don 't understand what the Nazis are talking about . However , they did know where to go for information on all things buried or ancient , and sure enough , Indiana Jones knew exactly what the German information was about and where to find it : For many years , scientists and archaeologists alike had assumed the Ark was a myth . But Adolf Hitler was a man who thought all myths had some fact . If he could get his hands on the Ark and it 's power , the war would no longer be an issue . And now , it seemed that his people had found evidence that the Ark existed and they were close to discovering it . The United States representatives were grim after hearing the news . They looked at each other and back at Dr . Jones . They were not unfamiliar with his escapades since he always worked for the good guys ( in most cases , the US government had claimed that particular title ) . Dr . Jones took off his glasses slowly and looked back at them . Within hours , Indiana Jones was on a plane , headed straight into into the middle of the fray . First stop ? A hard - bitten Marian and a blizzard . 1 : Indiana Jones . I love the fact that he loves books and teaching and wears owlish glasses . And I love it when he discards his tame occupation for a whip and dusty fedora and real archaeology . Harrison Ford is an excellent actor . 10 : My favorite part of the movie is after Indy kills all of his attackers with a sword / whip , etc , and the last swordsman leaps into the open , brandishing his sword so expertly that the audience is left asking , " How will he ever defeat him ! " because not even Indiana Jones is that good . Indy sighs , pulls out his gun and blows the guy away . It always cracks me up . I am still debating on whether to give this movie a 4 Star rating or keep it at a three . There are certain aspects about about this film that aren 't that well done but there is a certain magic about Indiana Jones that I love , regardless of how well , or not , the film is done . : - ) I understand why people flocked to the theaters whenever a new Indiana Jones movie came out . Dr . Elton Lehman was a man who decided to come to his home town to open his practice after he 'd graduated from medical school because he felt God was calling him back . 36 years later , he finally took the slower hours as his son stepped into his shoes . But during those 36 years , he had many experiences and lots of stories to tell . Finally , Dorcas Hoover sat down with him and wrote his book . There are 30 chapters in this volume . The stories range from happy to sad , dramatic emergencies , to comforting moments with his family in the growing up years . Dr . Lehman worked tirelessly ; his main goal to help the people had come to think of as his own , sometimes for nothing or on the faith of a handshake . He comforted the grieving and rejoiced with them during the happy times . You will read about the five Amish children who were killed by a speeding car . You will read about the new birthing center and how much effort Dr . Lehman went through to convince the Plain People that it was fine to have children out of their homes . You will read about " Dogs , Bullets , and Other House Call Hazards " , the twins " Checky and Becky " and Blizzard Babies . It 's a fascinating book that will keep your interest peaked to the end . On the list of popular Southern Gospel Singers / Groups , Ernie Haase and Signature Sound are probably right at the top . They have added a new sound to the Southern Gospel genre and lots of people love it . Including me . : - ) This is my favorite of their recordings , so far , with my favorite song being " If This is What God Wants . " The first time I listened to the recording , I was in bed with a case of pneumonia . I needed the encouragement and there it was . Especially in the song title I listed . It helped me realize that I didn 't need to worry how long it was going to be before I was back on my feet . . . or if I was ever going to be . Whatever God wanted for me was best and I wasn 't going to stand ( or would that be lay ? : - ) ) in His way . Emma Woodhouse is the 20 year old daughter of her father and the neighborhood matchmaker . She has only the best in mind for those around her but she doesn 't see her meddling for what it is . Her oldest friend and confident , Mr . Knightley ( also her neighbor ) reprimands her more than once as she twists her friends ' paths into mazes that astonish even her . The Newton family is a regular , run of the mill family until a puppy wanders off the street straight into their lives . The children desperately want to keep the dog but Dad ( Charles Grodin ) says no . However , the mass of wiggling fur and slobber manages to have found a place in the children 's hearts and Mr . Newton can 't say no . So it is that the puppy , which the children had christened Beethoven , became a permanent fixture in their home . Months later , Beethoven is fully grown and life is progressing smoothly . He saves the Newtons from bad decisions , bullies , drowning and gets Ryce the attention from a boy she likes among other things . But there is a villain : the local vet ( Dean Jones ) happens to set his eye on Beethoven as a good size for experimentation . He stages the dog ' attacking ' him and the Newton 's are forced to send him the the office to be put down . But the children insist that something is not right . . . 2 : Mr . Newton is saved by a dog biting the evil vet . . . in a place I won 't mention . Appropriate consequence , I thought . But for girls who don 't know boys have them , parents beware . I reminded him that we had managed to tackle several demanding rivers on previous trips . Sally added that she was sure she would get over her fear of dogs once she got to know them . Then , almost as an afterthought , I assured him that we would learn what we needed to know along the way . I hoped I looked as confident as my words sounded . ( Prologue ) Ian and Sally Wilson are an incredible couple . They are both talented : her in art ; he in writing . They joined their talents and love for adventure and have written several books as a result . As you may have judged by the title , Arctic Adventures is about their trip in Canada 's north . The first route of the journey was made by canoe from the headwaters of the Thelon River to the Chesterfield Inlet of Hudson Bay , a distance of twelve hundred kilometers . That may sound simple but keep in mind these key words : mosquitoes , rapids , black flies , bathing , frigid water , campfire , maps , falls , gear , storms , portages . The first third of the book is about the canoe trip . The rest of the book is taken up with their experiences with the Natives at Baker Lake , where Ian and Sally learn the necessary skills for their trip by dog sled . They learn how to prepare caribou hides for warm clothing : chewing ( yes , with your mouth / teeth ! ) . How to eat raw meat ( if you eat too much at once , you end up with stomach problems ) . How to build an igloo . How to stay warm when it 's - 100 * with a blizzard raging . How to function at all when it 's - 100 * with a blizzard raging . How to drive a dog team . How to treat frost bite . . . and a million and one other things necessary for surviving their adventure . By the time they were at their journey 's end , they had a new perspective on life , dogs , cold and the Great Up North in general . Ian kept a detailed diary that makes for a fascinating read , especially for those who are exposed to some of the same things as the Wilsons went through . Someday , it would be fun to go see some of the places mentioned for myself ! Also , they took many photographs , so it isn 't completely up to the reader 's imagination . : - ) Mr . Sharpe was waiting , still looking eager . He led us into the byre and Farnon gestured towards the cow . " See what you can make of it . " I squatted down and palpated the teat , feeling the mass of thickened tissue half up . It would have to be broken down by a Hudson 's instrument and I began to work the thin metal spiral up the teat . One second later , I was sitting gasping in the dung channel with the neat imprint of a cloven hoof on my shirt front , just over the solar plexus . Mr . Sharpe held his hand over his mouth , his innate politeness at war with his natural amusement at seeing the vet come to grief . " I 'm sorry , young man , but I owt to ' ave told you that this is a very friendly cow . She allus likes to shake hands . " Then , overcome by his own wit , he rested his forehead on the cow 's back and went into a long paroxysm of silent mirth . " ( Chapter 2 ) It 's no wonder why James Herriot 's books were best sellers in their day and why people ( myself included in their numbers ) still love them and want their kids read them . As a country vet practicing in Darrowby , a small village in Yorkshire , England , James Herriot 's tales appeal to the humanity in each of us . What makes the stories even better is that they are true . Somehow , it makes his work more enjoyable . : - ) Some of the chapters are stories in themselves ; sometimes there are several chapters to one tale . Regardless , I found it difficult to put down the book once I 'd started . There are so many different kinds : some are very humorous ; others , sad and lonely ; some are just comfortable . You learn all about the farmers in Yorkshire and what types of animals they keep and what their families are . You get to read about births and deaths , friendships made and enemies kept , romance ( Tristan was always up to his neck in it ! ) and a wonderful woman named Helen who happened to be James ' better half in waiting . Sigfried and Tristan Farnon : Sigfried was the elder and he owned the clinic . Tristan had followed in his brother 's footsteps ( well , to a certain degree , anyways . What does it matter ? ) and out of begrudging sense of duty , his brother shared the practice with him . James worked as an assistant to Sigfried until Sigfried made him a partner vet of the clinic . Sigfried was an odd duck , to put it kindly . In real life , he was even more peculiar . But he was a good vet and he really did care about those in his life , even though if he had difficulties showing his affection . For the most part , he was very responsible and was always on James and Tristan 's cases for their not being as diligently conscientious as he was . . . on occasion . " We must put on a better show at these operations on the farms . It just isn 't good enough to fish out a few old instruments from a bag and start hacking at the animal . We must have cleanliness , asepsis if possible , and an orderly technique . " ( Chapter 27 ; during one of his " efficiency drives " during which everyone suffered . . . ) Tristan was the exact opposite of his brother . He was jolly , funny , as irresponsible as possible . He pulled some humdinger pranks on James , my personal favorites being the prank phone calls and ghost monk . But my most favorite story of Tristan is the time he threw his girlfriend out the living room window . And James ? Sweet , kind , naïve , not above pranking Tristan out of revenge . It isn 't surprising that Helen fell in love with him as deeply as he had fallen in love with her . Because for all of his faults , he had a surprising lot of good character traits . I leaned back against the oak dresser . " Yes , Mrs . Hall , I 've just been thinking . It must be very nice to be the principal of the practice but , you know , it 's not a bad life being an assistant . " Of course , you 'll read all about vetting in green hills of Yorkshire . Some of his stories are full of very practical advice and we 've used it more than once . Just the other day , we had a cow prolapse and used the trick of putting sugar on the uterus to help it back in . It worked well . I don 't know what we 'd have done without that bit of knowledge tucked away in our heads . There is so much humor in the books . I love the story about the dog that had surgery and wouldn 't stop howling for hours ( I mean , 12 hours , at the least ) . Sigfried was feeling a little malicious and made sure that he and James were away all day , leaving Tristan stuck with the dog . Poor Tristan was nearly driven insane by the time he decided getting drunk might be a good idea . When Sigfried found all the empty bottles on the living room floor , he felt a big - brotherly need for Tristan to learn more responsibility ( it had nothing to do with Sigfried not wanting to watch the dog ) and stowed both of them away in Tristan 's room for the night . ( Chapter 21 ) There was the story about the cow that had picked up a wire in her feed and had to be operated on . During the process of being cut open , she literally exploded , sending foul , green liquid over everything . . . Sigfried being her prime target . The colonel 's [ owner of said cow ] eyebrows were now raised to a maximum and his mouth hung open as he gazed in disbelief at the chaotic scene . Siegfried , still hanging grimly on , was the centre of it all , paddling about in a reeking swamp which came half way up his Wellington boots . He looked very like a Fiji Islander with his hair stiffened and frizzled and his eyes rolling whitely in the brown face . ( Chapter 27 ) I was not impressed with Revenge of the Fallen , except for the occasional good humor it had . However , I spoke to a friend about it and she mentioned that she had some friends who really enjoyed Transformers . So I felt that I should watch the original and see if there was improvement . There was . It 's interesting how the sequels are rarely as good . Summary : Sam Witwicky is a normal kid with a normal desire for a car and girlfriend . According to his Dad , it 's only if he gets three A 's and $ 2000 that he gets the car . So he gets the A 's and the $ 2000 and ends up with a used - to - be hotrod Camaro that has a personality . But getting the girl is up to Sam . Or at least it seems so at first glance . If it had been left up to Sam , the typical guy ( all thumbs when it comes to talking to girls ) it would have been a disaster . But there 's Mikaela ( Megan Fox ) , the gorgeous girl he goes to school with but doesn 't even know he exists . Sam has been in love with her for years . Amazingly , it 's the car and what 's under it 's hood that attracts the attention of the girl . The circumstances surrounding the car was strange from the first , but Sam didn 't realize how strange until he woke up one night to the engine starting . He got to the bedroom window just in time to see the car rolling out the driveway . Sure the car is being stolen , he rushes out of his room , telling his father to call the police . When he finally catches up with his vehicle , he was astonished to find that his car was alive . Between Mikaela , the car and Sam , they stumble into some interesting situations . At the same time , across the world , something attacked an air base in Kuwait . . . and yet again , something hacked into national security , then disappeared without a trace . The US is sure it 's a terrorist country at first . Then , they begin to question themselves . What is that sound ? What is in that picture ? What about eye - witnesses ? Could these be . . . aliens ? What I Liked : 1 : It was fairly well acted . 2 : Funny . 3 : Had patterns of dark and light . . . nice mix . 4 : Military sequences were nicely done . Great job guys ! 5 : The alien robots were funny , sweet and majestic . 6 : The scene where Sam finds out about Mikaela 's background , his reaction is very realistic . That was probably my favorite thing about the film . 7 : Next favorite is the way Bumblebee uses the radio / t . v . to talk / communicate . I love how they use John Wayne 's voice . . . " anymore questions you 'd like to ask ? " 8 : I like Mikaela . She 's a no - nonsense type of girl . What I Didn 't Like : 1 : Crude humor2 : The way Mikaela was dressed . . . it really concentrates on it . 3 : The language . 4 : Sam 's parents are too irritating and naive . How does somebody get to be that way ? Lol . 5 : Sam 's response to Mikaela 's body . The way6 : How the aliens seem to take the place of God or angels . It 's not pushed heavily but it 's still there . For the record , it didn 't hurt my belief in God but it might hurt someone else . If you like Sci - fi , this is a fairly good film . Go for it . : - ) Posted by " There 's not a lot of money in revenge . " Our family has favorite movie and it is called The Princess Bride . Well , why shouldn 't it be ? Of all satires I 've ever experienced , this movie is by far the best . Summary : [ Young grandson has been sick with the flu and Grandfather arrives to cheer him up . He brings with him a very special gift . " A book ? " asks Grandson , blankly . Grandfather regards him sternly and says that in his day , books were the video games and TV . Then he proceeds to open said book and read from it aloud , to Grandson 's chagrin . " Fine . I 'll try to stay awake . " ] Buttercup was a beautiful maiden who lived on a farm with her horse and stable - boy / servant , named Westley . She loved to take long daily rides on her horse and torment the stable - boy because all he ever said when she told him to do something was , " As you wish . " Then came the day when an amazed Buttercup realized that when Westley said , " As you wish " what he really meant was , " I love you . " But what was even more amazing was the realization that she loved Westley back . Thus , the two fell into true love . [ " Are you trying to trick me ? " Grandson asks suspiciously . " Is this a kissing book ? " ] They would have been very happy but Westley had no money for marriage , so he left for high seas , promising to return . But alas ! News arrives that his ship has been attacked by the dread Pirate Roberts . And Roberts never takes prisoners . [ " Attacked by pirates is good , " says Grandson , approvingly . ] Heartbroken , Buttercup succumbs to the wiles of Prince Humperdinck and they are engaged to be married . Buttercup ( now , Princess Buttercup ) did not love Prince Humperdinck and always missed her one true love . Her only consolation was in taking rides on her horse , which is how she ended up getting kidnapped one day by three ( unlikely ) villains . [ Grandfather looks up from his reading , " Ah . You 're getting tired . I 'll stop for now . " Grandson , pleadingly : " No . . . no ! I 'm fine . Really . " ] This movie has it all : beautiful maidens , dashing heroes , evil princes , six - fingered villains , giants , revenge , mind games , thieves , Fire Swamps , poison , weddings , romance , R . O . U . S 's , torture , miracle pills , chocolate , murder , castles . . . and of course , " twoo wuv " . What I Liked : 1 : The humor . If I 'm ever feeling the least bit down , I watch this and it makes me smile . 2 : The beautiful dresses Buttercup wears . 3 : Even though the story makes fun of love , you are left feeling with a hope that you may have true love , too . 4 : The music . It 's dorky . . . and appropriate . 5 : Miracle Max ( Billy Crystal ) . So , so , funny . " Nobody 's hearing nothin ' ! " 6 : The swordfights . I love the swordfights ! 7 : The satire . 8 : The acting is excellent . 9 : The story is perfect . What I Didn 't Like : 1 : One use of bad language . 2 : One inappropriate mention of Buttercup 's anatomy . Note : neither of these were overdone . If you like fairy tales and satires , this film is for you . Prepare to laugh yourself silly and wince as your favorite tales are torn to shreds . " Chocolate makes it go down easier . " I have a passion for art . . . books , drama , photography , painting , writing , music . Here is the place I write my opinions about what I see and read and mentally mutilate . . . lol . I * do * appreciate feedback . You 'll find it 's not discouraged . : ) |
In the mid - 1990 's at Christmas time we found this story on NPR . And we have made listening to it part of our Christmas tradition every year since . It is a wonderful story that always brings tears to my eyes and puts a warm place in my heart . Hope that you will enjoy listening to it also . Click on link below . . . . Then click on Listen now , turn up the volume and really hear every word of the story . I like to close my eyes as I listen and visualize the story playing out in my mind . Grab some kleenex because you will need them . . . John Henry Faulk 's Christmas Story on National Public Radio . Wow ! Christmas already ! Where did the time go ? It just slipped up on me . . . Well , we are post Christmas gift opening and this is the breakdown on current activities : Megan , Noah and Andrew are trying to figure out a Wii game that Megan got called Mario Cart , Lauren is sleeping on the couch surrounded by opened gifts and covered in Megan 's blanket . Noah is whining because he wants to play Wii too , Mom is on the phone , Dad is snoozing it up , and I am aside from being on the computer , in the kitchen getting a few things ready for us to nibble on today . Last night I cooked a ham , dirty rice , green peas , rolls and a carrot cake for Dad 's birthday . Today I took the easy way out , I sent Lauren to Whole Hog bbq yesterday to get a couple pounds of pulled pork for bbq sandwiches to go with the cocktail sausage , jalapeno cheese dip , cream cheese dip , crackers and chips . I think there is some of the carrot cake left , I made brownies , fudge and there is left over ham and dirty rice . . . so I think we will be well fed today , not that ALL of us ( me ) need to be well feed , uhmmmm . . . . . but I will save that for a new years resolution ! ! Well , the kitchen is calling , so I will post again later about the blessings the day brings . I have to work the next two days , so I will be scarce again . At the end of the post I wanted to mention a family that we know from Louisiana who aren 't having a good Christmas day today . Two days ago their 14 year old son was shot accidently and he died on Christmas Eve . His name was Brad Maddox . His parents are Danny and Sherry Maddox . The funeral is tomorrow , so please be in prayer for that family along with the family of the young man who accidently shot him . I am sure that both families are having a very difficult Christmas . Today was a very cold day . We are expecting icy conditions overnight . Lauren was off today , and I did plan to get out and do a little more Christmas shopping , but when I stepped out the front door , and felt that cold artic blast hit me , well I decided that I would rather stay in where it is warm . . . Little man isn 't feeling well . He has had that allergy mess for a couple of days , but nothing major . But today he really felt bad and lay around most of the day . I am giving him Zertec and praying that he will be better in a day or two . Here is a photo of him in the recliner . He had been playing gameboy earlier and fell asleep . The photo was taken after he woke from the nap . I 'm just not feeling it this year . I can 't seem to find the Christmas Spirit anywhere ! I have been shopping , and it only makes me cranky ; ask my kids if you don 't believe it . The majority of the shopping , or should I say , buying that I have done , has been online . I get to sit in my pj 's and have my purchases brought straight to my front door , and not fight over parking spaces and stand in long lines . . . Why haven 't I don 't this before ? Well , I have done shopping online , but until this year , I always enjoyed getting out and going to the stores , seeing the Christmas decorations , hearing the music , and feeling the vibe from all the shoppers bustling around , and carrying all the decorative bags of their purchases around . But this year , it 's just to much of a hassle . I don 't want to go anywhere and have to shop . We are cutting back this year , as I am sure that many are , but it isn 't that , it 's just , well . . . I don 't feel it . . . I 'd much rather be doing something else . I suggested that we all just choose one thing we really want and then we use the rest of the money to go somewhere and spend Christmas . Like I don 't know - - - - Hmmmm . . . . Seattle for instance . . . But they wouldn 't go for it . I even suggested we go to Colorado and stay in a ski lodge and just spend Christmas that way , instead of our traditional way . But no dice . . . They won 't fall for it . I got a call from my supervisor this morning , I have to work the day after Christmas anyway , so that wouldn 't work after all . So I guess I will finish the Christmas shopping and we will do Christmas here at home , like we do every year . But we are cutting back on the amount we spend on each one . In fact , Megan had a hard time deciding what she wanted for Christmas . She couldn 't really think of anything specific , that big thing she wanted . . . but after looking around and thinking it over , she came up with a few things . . . Well , gotta run . . . Megan has riding lessons in a little while , so I better get moving . We decorated our tree Saturday evening . We bought new decorations this year . We had been uPosted by Sometimes I suppose we need to be reminded that God is interested in the little things in our lives also . So this morning , I am getting ready to try to go do a little Christmas shopping and the doorbell rang . It was the little elderly lady from next door . She was letting us know that our dog was out and running up the street . Well we discovered that he , Beaux , was now back in the backyard but the side gate was wide open and the other two ; Sadie and Scout were missing . We immediately jumped into the car and started riding around looking for them . Of course , if you know where we live , on a very busy street , your first instinct is . . . well , that it won 't turn out well . As I was riding around looking and praying , I called Lauren at work and Mom , so they could start praying . I believe in praying for everything . When I don 't know what to do , and even if I think I know , I pray . I just know that God is up there and can see it all , and knows the answer . So as we drove around , asking everyone we saw out , if they had seen our dogs , Megan remembered that Scout had a tag on from the vet . So we called our vet , and I ask where someone would call if they found our dogs who got out of our yard this morning ? She asked if it was a big dog and a little dog ? I said yes ! She said that someone had already found them and had them in their yard . She gave me the number and it was a man who lived on the street behind us . We went immediately to get them . We were so thankful they were safe . And thankful to the neighbor for letting us know that there was a problem . And to the lady that saw them out and decided to get them into her fenced yard and look for the owners . Yes , it is a small thing . But to us , it was a big thing . Yes , I understand that there are great big problems out there , people who are hurting , sick and dying . I know that those things are more important than our dogs . But my God is big enough to handle all of it , even the little things that we are concerned about . In the whole scheme of life and death and eternity , this isn 't an importPosted by I have a confession to makeI can 't fry . . . I can fry catfish okay , but I do that in a fryer , so that doesn 't count . . . If it is in a pan , I can 't fry it . The problem is my batter won 't stay on . . . I have read how to remedy that and it still doesn 't work for me . It isn 't because I didn 't learn . I took four years of home - ec in high school and My mom fried everything we ever ate , not really , but mostly . . . We were the fried meat kind of people , at least they were . . are stillBut me , well , I am more of a bake , braise , boil , saute , steam , broil , blacken , anything but fry . . . kind of gal . Frying doesn 't really do much for me . But with that said , there are times when frying is just want you want . Like say fried chicken . . . All kids like fried chicken , and I don 't really want to have to drive down to Popeye 's every timethe kids want fried chicken . Even though I am sure they wish I would , especially after they see my poor excuse for fried chicken . Tonight I was in a daring mood and decided to try it again . I pulled a bag of chicken parts from the freezer and thawed them . Then I put milk into the bag for the chicken to soak in for a while . I prepared my flour , adding Tony 's , pepper , salt with a dash of garlic powder . I pulled out the trusty cast iron pan and added my oil . I coated each piece very heavily with the flour mixture and dropped them into the hot oil . I waited , and after I felt it had browned enough on one side I turned it over and let it brown on the reverse side . Once that was done I turn the heat down some and continued to turn and cook . And tonight , I guess the mood was right , and the stars aligned just so , because my crispy didn 't fall of of the meat ! Grant it , they were a little , wee bit browner than I like , but hey , there was crispy on my fried chicken ! Isn 't that what really matters ? What does this have to do with anything ? Well I asked myself that very thing before I sat down to write about it . I suppose it means that sometimes , things just work out , sometimes they don 't . Just because it never worked out for you before , doesn 't mePosted by Tonight 's menu is an old classic that I have cooked for years . When Megan was little she dubbed it " Spicy Ricey " because it is served over rice and it is spicy . Thus the name . . . Earlier today I typed in " Cajun smothered pork chops " and this is what it brought up . I thought it looked very similar to our dish . My recipe varies in the fact I don 't use bell pepper ( the kids wouldn 't eat it if I added all of that ) , celery , or tomato paste . But all of that sounds pretty good ! Here is a photo of my version . I would say it could be called a pork gumbo . I can 't even tell you where I got my recipe . I think it must have been inspired by something I had as a child ; watching my mom or mawmaw cooking . But I suppose I just developed it on my own through the years . I 'm sure it isn 't unique in the least . I am sure that many of you have your own version of the same thing . I do know that it is very tasty , and my family really enjoys it . Smothered Pork Chops / Spicy Ricey4 - 5 pork chops 1 pound of sausage , sliced3 T . oil1 onion thinly slicedgarlicpepperTony ' ssaltwaterBefore cooking , season pork chops with Tony 's , black pepper and seasoning of your choicePut oil into skillet and add seasoned pork chopsbrown on each side . Add sliced onions and garlicpour in enough water to cover pork chopsBring to a boilReduce heat and put a lid on the skilletCook until meat is done and tenderServe over rice and enjoy ! The pan juices , oil and water combine to make a very tasty gravyIf pork chops were seasoned properly the gravy will be spicy . I have put all of the ingredients into the crock pot and cooked them over night and until supper the following evening and it has turned out delicious ! The meat is so tender it falls off the bone . YUM ! It is a cold wet day in Arkansas . It is 37 degrees but feels like 32 * and the temp is dropping . So on a cold day like this I need something warm and hearty to fill my belly . How about Cheeseburger Soup . 1 lb ground meat1 med onion ( chopped ) 2 cups cubed potatoes1 - 14 oz . can beef broth2 cups milk3 T . all purpose flour1 cup shredded American Cheese or Monterey Jack cheeseSalt and your choice of seasoningsCook ground beef , drain and add potatoes , onion , broth and salt , pepper and seasonings of your choice . Bring to boil and cook until potatoes are softCombine flour with 1 / 2 cup milk and stir . Add to meat mixture along with remaining milk . Cook until thick and bubbly . Reduce heat and add cheese . Stir until cheese melts . Remove from heat and serve . Onion rolls and caesar salad would complete this quick and wonderfully filling meal . Did anyone find any deals out there yesterday ? I did actually go out yesterday , but not to shop for Black Friday sales . I had to go to Best Buy to pick up Megan 's laptop . The fan had gone out in it and it was still under warranty , thank God . So the Geek Squad called and said it was ready for pick up . I also ran to Kroger to pick up some milk . So while I was out , alone , which rarely happens , I took the opportunity to sneak off to the Antique store and look around . I spent about an hour and a half just walking around drooling over things . Not literally , but in my head . I saw so many things that I would love to have to decorate a home with . . . if I had one , that is . Not that we don 't have a home , just that we are leasing now , and know that we aren 't staying here , in this house , much longer . One way or another we will be moving soon , hopefully . Anyway , back to the drooling . . . I saw so many items , yes , things I really don 't need , but would like to have to for decorating purposes . Yes , I do recall that it was me that posted about things not bringing happiness , and downsizing and all of that , but I am still human and desire to have a nicely decorated place of abode . I don 't HAVE to have those things , and I won 't make a debt to have them , but you know how it is , after looking through magazines like Country Home , Cottage Living , Coastal Living , Country Living and Southern Living , you just want to fix up your nest . Antique dishes especially catch my eye . I have recently developed an obsession with dishes and all things kitchen . I am hoping to get a new set of cookware soon . This is the set I am thinking about . They has a lifetime warranty and they are rated really well . I have also developed an obsession with this : It is a Jadite Green Milk Glass hobnail cake stand . Yes , a cake stand ! I need a cake stand as much as I need cake . I DON ' T need cake ! ! I look like I have had to much cake already ! But that 's for another post . . . can you say : New Years Resolution ! Back to the cake stand . . . isn 't it a beauty ? I just love the color . Can 't you Posted by I fixed turkey breast , oyster dressing , sweet potato casserolle , sweet peas , rolls , and chocolate - pecan pie . Throughout the day we munched on BBQ weinnes and cream cheese dip and crackers . So we were very full by the end of the day . What a blessing that we had more then enough food for the five of us . The kids sitting at the table just before lunch . Notice Noah 's shirt . It tells the truth ! What a sweet sight . Noah loves his Meme . Only lately , he has started calling her Megan . We had a great day together . Lauren had some friends over for the evening . They played wii , and some board games . They raided the fridge and helped consume the left overs . Which was perfectly fine with me , because I hate throwing out good food , and sometimes , there is just more than the five of us can consume . Noah had a ball playing the wii with some of the guys . He got right in the middle of it all . When I told him it was time to go to bed , he said to them : " Goodnight guys ! " They told him goodnight and he went to bed talking about " his friends " . A good ending to a great day for all ! The sale papers flooded in yesterday . There was so many sale papers , there was hardly enough newspaper to hold them all inside . I looked through them with a non - chalantness , a stand - offishness , knowing that I wasn 't going to get sucked in this year . For years I have dragged my tired , turkey filled body out of bed before the newspaper even arrived . I have anticipated the great finds that would be for me to gather and bring home . All the money I would save by making this great sacrifice . . . I was compelled to go . I couldn 't sleep in , I was so driven by the thought that there was a sale out there and I must hunt it down and make it mine ! But not this year . I have learned my lesson . It was all a gimmick , just to get us out and get the economy stimulated . The ads are just teasers . . . when you finally get to the store , wait in line and fight with other shoppers who are there hoping to find that one great item for virtually free . . . you hear , " I am sorry , we just sold the last one . " When the truth of the matter was , the store only had one or two of that " great sale item " in stock . And now they want you to shop around the store and spend money on items that aren 't really on sale . Okay , maybe I am a little jaded - - Just a little ! Anyway , I stayed up late last night , knowing that I could sleep in this morning . There was no tug or pull on me to rise at 4 : 00am and go out into the night to shop . So at 4 : 00 am this morning , I was snoozing away in my nice comfortable bed , dreaming dreams that didn 't involve sales or shopping . Today I plan to do a little house cleaning , some organizing and maybe then start thinking of doing some Christmas planning . But we just celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday . I want to bask in the warm glow of our Thankfulness a while longer and build up more resistance to the strong pull of consumerism that says we have to buy , buy more , buy , buy , buy . . . Lauren gave me her Christmas list yesterday . I had her write down colors , sizes , prices , and places to purchase . It makes my job so much easier . Megan on the other hand . . Posted by This is a short post directed to the various family members that read my blog . I am searching for Uncle Ford 's BBQ Sauce recipe . For those of the O ' neal clan who recall with great fondness the summer BBQ 's that were held at the O ' neal homeplace and the BBQ pit that Uncle Ford cooked on , will also remember the taste of his BBQ sauce . It was his secret recipe and he would cook it up the day before in that little pot on the stove , then stand out by that big pit and mop on that BBQ sauce . Using that little mop of his . I can smell that smell now ! ! I recall those times and would love to find the recipe for that sauce . We have looked around the homeplace , searching for it , but to no avail . It is ashame that we only think of these things after it is too late . I wish I had asked Mawmaw before she passed away . Anyway , if any of you know what his recipe was , please let me know and email it to me if you would . God bless and thanks for reading my blog ! ! ! Hope each of you are having a great Thanksgiving Day ! Getting ready for last minute Thanksgiving . Until yesterday it was assumed that we would be going to Tennessee for Thanksgiving . But due to some issues at Andrew 's job , he had to be here today to see that some things got done , so we are staying here . That meant that I hit the stores yesterday to get things we needed to cook Thanksgiving dinner here . Today will be filled with preparations and cooking for tomorrow . I know it may seem silly to go to all that trouble for just the five of us , but we have always had traditional Thanksgiving dinners no matter where we were . If we weren 't going somewhere to be with family , which has happened more than not , I have always cooked a big dinner to have traditional Thanksgiving for just us . I want to carry on family traditions with my kids even if we don 't have the large extended family to celebrate with during the holiday 's . Growing up , we had a large extended family that spent time together at my Grandma 's house . My grandma was one of seven children and all but one married and had kids , so there were lots of uncles and aunts and cousins running around . It was a great way to grow up . I have such wonderful memories of family get togethers . I hate so much that my children don 't have those times to enjoy . Since my brother was killed over 15 years ago , and had no children , and my grandparents have passed away , there are only my parents left on my side . Yes , there are many extended family members , but times have changed and we are all scattered over the country , and lets be honest , we aren 't close like we once were . Times have changed and each of us has our own nuclear families that we are involved with , and we rarely make time for others . I think that is just a symptom of larger social changes and issues that is shared by many in our country . We have become much more isolated from each other and are much more self centered than we once were . Due to our moving around so much through the years , we haven 't made strong social connections with people around us . We have in the past madPosted by There is a reason why Carolina is on my mind . . . but I can 't say right now . I know that isn 't at all fair to say something like that and not be able to elaborate . . . but that is just how it is right now . Sorry ! Andrew gave me a birthday gift tonight . Although my birthday isn 't until tomorrow , I suppose he thought it would make me having to get up and go to work on my birthday easier . . . Guess what I got . . . . A three hour Spa Package ! It includes an hour long massage ! ! I am trembling at the thought of an uninterrupted hour of massage ! ! ! It also includes a facial and a pedicure . Wow ! I can 't wait to go cash in my gift card on this package ! Yesterday I did something that at one time in my life would have been unthinkable . . . Something that would have embarrassed my girls , had they been with me . Noah was with me , but at three , didn 't realize that there was cause for embarrassment . . . . I took Noah for his three year checkup and while I was in that area , decided to go to a new Walmart near there . I had clipped some coupons and printed some from the computer . . . I did my shopping , took my half - filled buggy to the check - outI got in line , put my items on the conveyer belt . . . After having all my items scanned , I handed her my coupons . . . She pulled out the clipped ones and returned the ones printed from the internet . . . She said they weren 't allowed to take them . . I asked to speak with someone about it . . . A CSM walked over and I told her the situation , she looked at the coupons and said that they couldn 't take them because people had been faking coupons . . . So I asked to speak with a manager . . . . I waited . . . and Waited . . . Finally a manager of some sorts walked up and asked what the problem was . . . I explained the situation and that I use them in other stores and she said that she couldn 't take them . . . So I reached in the buggy , where my groceries were neatly placed in my reusable bags , and I began taking the groceries out of the bags . . . I put them back into the buggy and said to the cashier and manager that I would leave the groceries in the buggy . If they couldn 't take the coupons , I would shop in a store that would . I told them that Kroger takes the coupons , so they would get my business from now on . . . I took my bags and my purse , I picked up Noah and walked out ! ! ! I will NOT spend any more of my hard earned money in that store ! ! I took Megan the her orthodontics appointment yesterday evening , and afterward went to the Walmart where I usually shop . . . When I walked in , I asked the CSM if they took coupons printed from the internet . She said as long as they scan properly they will take them . . . I picked up the items I needed , and took them to the registerWithout any question , the cashiPosted by Okay , so I have used coupons a lot through the years . No big deal , right ? Sometimes I would save a few dollars on my grocery bill and I thought I was really doing something . But when I read this blog and this blog with all of those who commented on their savings , I began to think that maybe there was much more to couponing than I understood . So I began to read , and study and this is what I did . . Kroger is having a Mega deal event this week and next . If you buy 10 of selected items , you get $ 5 . 00 off the purchase . Kroger also doubles coupons up to 55 cents , ( that 's $ 1 . 10 ) . So I had coupons on all these items . I got these 10 items for a grand total of . . . are you ready ? I got 4 boxes of Quaker Oats , 1 - 3 liter bottle of water , 2 boxes Betty Crocker scalloped and Au Gratin potatoes1 package Betty Crocker Triple chunk chocolate chip cookie mix2 - 24 boxes of Tylenol extra strength That is 10 itemsI paid . . . . $ 4 . 13 ! ! ! ! I was so pumped ! I have never saved that much on anything before ! I was hooked . I am like a crack addict looking for my next fix ! Here it is . The water was free and the tylenol was also free with coupons and the money back after buying the 1o items . $ 4 . 13 ! ! Wow ! So I go to another Kroger store today , because the one I went to yesterday didn 't have some of the items I wanted . So today this is what I got . Minus the items listed earlier . . . Today 's haul was great . I got : 1 - 4 roll Cottenelle tissue - . 29 cents ! 1 - 2 liter DrPepper1 - 2 liter Big K Ginger Ale1 - 64 oz Welch white grape juice4 cans condensed soup2 cans carnation cream16 slices kraft cheese1 can Pringles3 cans Chef Boyardee1 - package Betty Crocker Chocolate chunk cookie mix ( in addition to the one I got yesterday ) 1 box Duncan Hines brownie mix3 boxes Swiss Miss hot chocolate mix2 Peter Pan peanut butter4 boxes Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal . 40 cents a box ! ! ! ! 1 - box Ritz crackers2 boxes Pilsbury Toaster strudels 1 bag Totinos Pizza rolls2 kroger chili envelopes ( seasoning ) 1 bag Fritos1 bag Chili Cheese Fritos1 bag Cheetos5 cans kroger brand sliced potatoes With the Posted by This was an excerpt from an article written by Rev . Martyn Ballestero Sr . Bro . Ballestero preached for us last night and is preaching for us this weekend . This is pretty long , but well worth the time . Unfortunately the message is true . As a church and as children of God , we must bring back old time prayer . We are moving in the wrong direction . In the world we live in , we should be moving toward God and trying to get as close as possible to Him , instead , we are filling our lives with everything else . No wonder we have such empty lives and live so far below what God intended . God help me , I know my prayer life isn 't where it should be , help me to desire more time with you in prayer . Bring back Old Time Prayer ! ! Intercessory Prayer , We Miss You ! This is just a line to let you know how things are since you 've gone . It 's not the same without you , nor will it ever be . Although our lives seem shallow and empty when you 're not here , we 've learned to make up for you in other ways . We 've learned to live without you . We now run the aisles , leap for joy , jig to the music , sing catchy choruses , and tap our feet in time to the rhythm of the drums . We use sticks , banners , black lights and our sign teams do a tremendous job acting out recorded music . We 've learned to worship without you . The prayer rooms are mostly silent now . Those that do go there , for the most part , come away dry - eyed . A lot of praying now is chanting and singsong style . That 's how we know we 're in the groove . We pray memorized phrases that come automatically . We love what we call Prayer Walks . Most of us don 't even close our eyes anymore during prayer . We just walk and pray while we look around . We pray because it is required . No one prays till they break through anymore . We just pray till our ten minutes are up . . . Oh sure , we still believe in prayer , as such . But not very many of us are anxious for you to come back . ( You were always the polite type , you know , never forcing yourself on anyone . You never came uninvited . You only left because you wPosted by Tonight I cried . I cried for McCain / Palin , I cried for myself , but mostly I cried for America . This is truly a sad day in our world . . . I feel like Jesus must have felt when in Luke 19 he wept over the city . 41And when he was come near , he beheld the city , and wept over it . . . I pray for God 's mercy upon our country . God help us all ! Posted by Well we finally did it ! It took us a while , but after all this time , it is finally done ! I talked about it here . Over a year ago ! But little by little we completed our mission . We got rid of one of our storage sheds ! ! We cleaned it out ! Everything ! We threw away two truck loads of junk ! We brought the rest home for more through going throughand hopefully throwing more away . That is $ 50 . 00 back in our pockets each month . Some things will be kept . Some will be given away ( does anyone need a twin mattress set ? ) . Free to a good home ! Some things will be taken to Louisiana and put into our storage shed that we ownand don 't have to put out money on each month . Those things will be things like Megan 's very large collectionof Barbie dolls and baby dolls that she wants to keep so someday she can show her children ! Other weeky events included : Making fig preserves ! In August when my parents came for a visit , they brought me several gallon freezer bags full of frozen figs . These figs were picked and frozen by a very dear lady who has more figs than she cando with herself , and is such a doll that she is willing to sharewith her friends . Thanks Sis Phyllis ! The figs are delicious ! I just used one gallon bag to make these . I was just testing the recipe and it turned out well ! I thawed the figs , cooked them down in a water and sugar syrup . Added a little salt and some vanilla flavoring . I let them cook down very slowly , for about three hours , stirring often and staying very close to the pot . The next batch I will add some sliced lemon instead of vanilla . And another batch I will add strawberries to the mix . I have fond memories of fig preserves . My Granny Holaway use to make them when I was a kid . We had a fig tree in our yard and she would come visit and I would climb up and pick figs , she would then go home and make preserves and bring some back to us . I loved them on toast ! I had forgotten about fig preserves for years until I was pregnant with Noah . I started craving them . I searched and searched and finally found some in Mountain ViPosted by I am a 44 year old in love with my husband of 22 years . Trying to raise three amazing kids in this crazy world . Living simply and honestly while seeking my true path in this life . Trusting God to help me stay on the narrow path that will get me to the next life . I have recently started running . Not great distances , mind you , but running none the less . Why you ask ? Because I still can and because I am running as hard as I can from old age . . . Colossians 1 : 16 : For by him were all things created , that are in heaven , and that are in earth , visible and invisible , whether they be thrones , or dominions , or principalities , or powers : all things were created by him , and for him : Psalm 139 : 23Search me , O God , and know my heart : try me , and know my thoughts : Deuteronomy 6 : 5And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart , and with all thy soul , and with all thy might . Matthew 6 : 33But seek ye first the kingdom of God , and his righteousness ; and all these things shall be added unto you . Micah 7 : 8 Rejoice not against me , O mine enemy : when I fall , I shall arise ; when I sit in darkness , the LORD shall be a light unto me . Lamentations 3 : 22 - 24It is of the LORD ' S mercies that we are not consumed , because his compassion fail not . They are new every morning : Great is thy faithfulness . The LORD is my portion , saith my soul ; therefore will I hope in him . |
I am heartbroken to report that my dear , sweet wife Letha Rodman Melchior passed away today . She fought right up until the end . She was the bravest , most alive person I ever knew . I love you Leth . These will be the first scans since I 've started taking my new drugs . Are they working ? Are they not ? It 's hard being in limbo . It 's interesting how there is a lingering emptiness when someone you love goes away . Even if it 's just a few days . The routine is all broken up and the floorboards are much creaker and the whole house is darker . And there 's no way to completely rid yourself of that slim thought of a break - in or that low dark thought while sleeping , of opening your eyes to see a stranger standing over you with a sledge hammer . I 'm getting dark here . . . Ha ! I think Dan and I 've been watching too many Dateline Mystery 's and way too many 48 Hours . I 'm not really scared ; but you know what I mean . Oh my friends ; I feel ashamed of how long its taken me me to write a new entry on my blog . I haven 't been too busy . I just haven 't felt up to it . Really it 's been since December since I 've written properly . I 've had some close calls in the early part of the year - that whole dehydration 7 day stay in the hospital . And later my intimate meeting with the floor ; where my front teeth explored the outside world by busting through my upper lip . I 've been up and down on motivation . I 'm a wild meter needle about feeling good or not feeling good . I do get tired of never feeling " Just Grrreat ! " Seems there is always some ache or some pain . It 's just tiring ! I have to go way back to December , to the time my friends Suki Hawley , Michael Galinsky , Ron Liberti , and Madea had put together a gallery opening of my never seen collages . It was wonderful ! I met some new people and had success in selling some of my collages , and that made me very happy . It 's nice to be appreciated and to have your work seen and to have people take notice . What also makes me happy is great friends ! Friends that have helped me so much by being there for me . Thank you ! I have these collage books that are made from magazines . I think it would be so cool to have real books made from them . Does anyone know how I get them published ? When I 'd travel I 'd pick up a magazine and with my glue , tape , and scissors ready ; I 'd collect things from that trip and while in bars , train stations , train cars and such , and I 'd put together these books . As a whole they are pretty stunning . Check out the link above . DJs Bruno , Brad Truax , and Greg Anderson Thank you so much for that . The first of the year is so hard , thank you all for making it much easier . So for current cancer news , the drug Zelboraf that I had been taking for the last year or so has stopped working . So now I 'm on a combo of Mekanist ( I had gone to NY to try to get on the clinical trial in 2012 - it 's now FDA approved ) and Dabrafenib . I 've been on this combo since the end of February , and I 'll be getting my first Brain MRI and Full Body PET in the next week on June 10th . I might have some answers then . I can 't tell if the combo is working or not . I certainly look and feel better ( if I take all my meds correctly ) , but I still have lumps in places . I can feel them . Are they cancer , or just wacked out benign lumps ? I have a lot of those too . What is what ? I also have been having a lot of melanoma sliced out of my head , and lower back . And the large lump in my leg is a smaller lump - but it 's still a lump . Could it just be scar tissue from the radiation ? What also worries me is I 'm growing hair again - If the drugs are working , shouldn 't I be bald ? I was getting used to that . Now I 'm going to have to worry about hairstyles and hair color again . At least I have eyebrows ! My very own personalized eyebrow shape , the one I grew up with , and they feel so good ! I have lashes too ! I 'm very nervous , mostly about brain tumors . These nuggets are strangling my thought process . It 's either the tumors or the drugs that are making me verbally dyslexic . The other day I said to Dan , " The clean is car . " Poor Dan , I 'm in a constant fog and never know what 's going on . I have extremely short term memory . It 's like " Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte " over here . I do things that I 'm not aware of ; and remember things that haven 't happened . Christ ! It 's really scary . If something is lost the first place to look now is in the refrigerator , the car keys just might be in with the grapes in the crisper . So , I 'm told that if I have one or more new brain tumors , I 'm going to have whole brain radiation . What will that turn me into ? I 'm afraid , very afraid . The thing is , that I feel myself slip away every day . Little incidences are becoming bigger incidences . I feel foolish when I get caught up in a false memory . I suppose the sad thing is ; is that I can 't trust myself 100 % . If someone told me I did something wrong I would now tend to believe them , instead of standing my ground 100 % . My short term memory is impossible to deal with . The assistant to my brain surgeon gives me these test , they 're like alzheimer 's test . " Remember these three words , House , Church , and Bird . " then at the end of the test , I 'm asked to recall the words . I would likely recall " Foot , Chase , Cheese . " I don 't think I could recall much correctly now . Well , you wouldn 't know it , but it has taken me some time to write this . I had to read and re - read this many many time . It 's been more than riddled with mistakes . I hope I corrected them all . I usually have Dan proofread it because of the wild mistakes I make . I 'm just a drooling brain blob without Dan around . It was really fun watching Dan , Brad , Greg and Tony playing on the computer . For the WFMU record fair . It was so good ! I 'd love to see the footage again . The WFMU Record Fair is on today , Sunday June 1st too . Get the info here : WMFU Record Fair I think that catches us up for now . I 'll do better in the future . I haven 't done it yet - but I 'm going to do my fohawk up in old lady silver this week end . I 'll post photos soon . This is such an important matter ! Very sick people are given substandard food . This keeps them sick . Without nutritional food it is very difficult to get better . This problem is nationwide , and though changes are slowly being made in some hospitals , health , nutrition food should be a standard of basic care in every hospital . Please sign my petition . It really matters . You don 't even have to join anything - just go to the link and add your signature - you could also say why you think this petition is important . Please , you can make a difference in what sick people are given as food ! During my stay in the hospital , I was quite traumatized by the food . It was so , so bad . I imagine it 's much worse than prison food . Duke Food Services heard of my complaints and sent three different people on their staff to talk to me , as I laid in my hospital bed . When talking with them , I told them I would get Chef Gordon Ramsay on the case ; He could change the system where they couldn 't . They laughed . But they don 't know me . When I have an idea I 'm a lock - jawed terrier that won 't let go of a chew - toy ! I become so obsessed , I won 't stop trying until I 've exhausted every nook and cranny , every alley that I can think of , that will lead me to success in obtaining what I want . Dan and I are fans of Kitchen Nightmares , Masterchef , and Hell 's Kitchen ; so we know very well what the production company is called . At the end of each episode , I 'm assuming it 's Ramsay 's young child , who says " One Potato , Two Potato ! " Dan and I can 't help cringing , and then repeat it over and over , to irritate each other . So I immediately looked up ' One Potato , Two Potato ' only to find that it 's quite impossible to contact anyone on the staff directly . Aside from that , I really wanted Ramsay himself to read my letter . So , I thought of other ways to get my message to him . Facebook ! I wrote a private message to whoever handles Gordon Ramsay 's Facebook Page . I pleaded with them to forward my message to Ramsay himself . I got no response from this attempt . Next I thought if I applied for a job at Ramsay 's restaurant in NY on 151 W 54th st , I could attach my letter as the CV on the application . I filled out the application using all open fields to get my message forwarded to Chef Gordon Ramsay . I don 't know if a human actually looked through the submissions - but it seems unlikely . I thought of doing an open letter on facebook in hopes it would somehow be brought to his attention . Then I noticed a casting call for a health show that Optomen Productions was set to do in the future . I thought this is the only way I can be sure that someone will really read what I have to say . So I emailed the casting department at Optomen . This is the letter I wrote : Dear Optomen Casting , My name is Letha Rodman Melchior , I 'm very very ill . I have both breast cancer , and melanoma stage IV , which of course , is the worst of the two . I 've just been released from Duke University Hospital where I 've endured a 7 day stay . While there , I thought that I would present Optomen Productions and Chef Gordon Ramsay with a challenge . A challenge which could be quite impossible , but if anyone could be successful it would be Optomen Productions and Chef Ramsay . I would like for your team to take on Duke University Hospital 's food system and reconstruct it into something that 's nutritional and something that the hospital can be proud of . Duke University Hospital is one of the top 10 rated Hospitals in the USA ; why it lacks in nutritional food is beyond me . I know Food Services is a problem in a lot of hospitals worldwide ; I also know that now is the time to meet with Food Services at Duke University Hospital , because they are going to try improving their system in May 2014 . I don 't have much faith that they 'll get it right . The ' Triangle Area ' in North Carolina has an abundance of local farms and resources to pull from . Please think about coming to Duke University Hospital and help them make the right choice . As it stands now all hospital meals for patients at Duke are contracted out to a company called Aramark . I can not tell you how bad that food is . I know there are many hospital food jokes out in the world - but this is not a joke . As I laid in bed for 7 days the food was inedible . I tried to think of things that they couldn 't get wrong ; like macaroni and cheese . It was if someone had regurgitated on to a plate . One piece of breaded fish ; it came as paper - thin deep - fried bit of rubber blackened on all sides , so hard that it couldn 't be chewed . There was only one bite in that , that was edible . A bagel , that if thrown up against the wall would shatter into a million slivers . I actually lost over 10 pounds by being given inedible food . A friend of mine happen to bring me some food from Who _______________________________________ I don 't know if they really did forward my letter . I 'd like to think that they did . I 'm still thinking of the open letter on Facebook . Wouldn 't it be great if Gordon Ramsay did come to Duke University Hospital and change things ? I don 't know how long , or what it 's going to take to have better food worldwide in hospitals , and schools . It 's appalling that these big companies are doling out substandard food . Lord knows what deals are made with suppliers to Aramark . And what kickbacks and deals Aramark and other companies like it are making with the US hospitals . That Tuesday afternoon , after Dan left , I closed my eyes and slept . I still had low blood pressure - but at least it was detectible . 84 / 59 . I had a very low grade fever , nothing over 100 . 4 . The oxygen in my blood was also low . It was below 85 % , so I had plastic tubing up my nose and around my ears . You know when you see really old people dragging those oxygen tanks around ? You 're bound to think to yourself , " You silly smoker , look at you now ! Why didn 't you quit ? " In room 9315 , at Duke University Hospital I was once again labeled a fall risk . That meant if I ever got out of bed , I would need a nurse to stand watch , just to make sure I didn 't break my neck . They weighed me while I laid in bed . A button was pushed , an alarm was set , and the whole bed was turned into a giant scale . Anytime there was a change in weight a high pitched beep would go off . This way they 'd know if I 'd escaped to take a piss . I have to say that it was the most uncomfortable bed I have ever laid on ! It was designed especially for people that couldn 't move . It would automatically adjust to take pressure off of the places on the body where people get bed sores . It drove me crazy the whole time I was there . The bed could be puffed up to ' maximum inflate ' , but it was designed not to hold it . After 20 minutes the bed would swallow me up , trapping me into one position , though my legs and feet felt like they were floating where the bed had puffed out like a balloon . It made it impossible to get any leverage to move properly . To make matters worse the controls to this part of the bed were completely out of reach for me . I had to beg nurses to press the key button , then hit the inflate button . Most of the nurses didn 't want to bother , because they knew the inflate wouldn 't hold , or it was just one more thing for them to do . Truly the bed was a form of torture . It felt worse than a half filled waterbed , or a half deflated plastic pool mattress . In the first day and a half I didn 't have the energy to even think about getting up . I hardly moved at all , and it was my first experience in using a bedpan ! Horrible ! This may be thought of as crass potty - talk , but using a bedpan is humiliating . It feels so wrong - I can 't tell you . Only people who have used them know the shame , the disconnect of the mind and the bowel movement , and the embarrassment of having onlookers hovering over you during what should be a very private time . I 'm going to go out on a limb and say that for most people , consciously or unconsciously , there is an instilled ending in the whole restroom / bathroom procedure ; the sound of the water interacting with the number one , or number two , whichever way it happens ; and the action of the flush , with a possible glance to make sure it all goes down . And the grand ending with the sound of water rushing down the sink drain during a brisk washing of the hands . I couldn 't make it to the sink , so I was given a can of Steris Foam Sanitizer , as if that would be enough ! It was all so wrong ! It 's disconcerting when you don 't experience those familiar bathroom sounds . It 's haunting ! I had thought that I would 've been home by Wednesday , but no . Somehow I wasn 't getting better . I still had fluctuating fever , low oxygen and now there was a rasp in my lungs . They arranged for a bedside chest x - ray . It showed that there was fluid on my lungs . When the doctors made their floor rounds , they told me that the fluid was either from an infection that I came in with , or when I was in the ER they had topped me off with too much fluid . It had nowhere to go but in my lungs . They said it could also be a possible Pulmonary Embolism . That 's a clot or blockage that doesn 't allow proper breathing . And it can be lethal . Was this the beginning of pneumonia ? In the last few years there have been people I 've known of , who either died or remained hospitalized for months by having Pneumonia ! How did my illness get to this point ? I don 't really remember too much of those days in the hospital . Though somethings stand out . Like the first breakfast I was brought . Scrambled eggs ( cold ) , toast and an unripe banana ! Sometime in 2010 when I first entered the Duke Cancer Hospital and Clinic System , I was asked if I had any allergies . For some stupid reason I wracked my brain for things I was supposedly allergic to . Most of these allergies were self diagnosed . Now every time I check in at the clinic , I have to go over these three things . Dan and I just roll our eyes , because I never ever should have said Green Banana , Monosodium Glutamate , and Lidocaine . It 's true about the Lidocaine , but the banana and the glutamate , I was just reaching out for something to put down . My cancer counselor had come to visit me that Wednesday morning and even she noticed the Green Banana on my breakfast plate . We both looked on in disbelief and laughed . That banana could have killed me if my allergy were true and I was delirious enough to think a banana was safe to eat . What were the food service people thinking ? It was even listed on my menu slip that I had three killer allergens . The days went on and on . I had graduated from bedpan to bedside commode . I still had to be watched , and had to wait for what seemed like ages for someone to arrive after I pushed the nurses call button . Before my feet touched the floor the nurse had to put on my grip socks for me because I couldn 't sit up to reach my feet . It was all so tiring . It 's really hard relying on other people especially for the most basic things . It wasn 't until a week after I was released that I realized I could have used some slippers . That would have made the bathroom trips so much easier ! I bought a pair for next time I 'm admitted . I was named ' Pretty Toes ' by the beautiful , and very sweet Lorna who cleaned the rooms every day . I can 't express how much a smiling face with a bright and cheery attitude helps when you 're chained to a bed , and at the mercy of the people working the floor . Thank you Lorna for being who you are , and spreading your warmth to all the people that need it . One day the doctors came in to tell me that they wanted to do a Bronchoscopy . This is a procedure where a camera is threaded through your nostril until it reaches your lung . So they cart me , bed and all down to the basement . I talked to the nurses down there and told them that I didn 't do well with Lidocaine , that it was pretty much ineffective . If they were going to use it to numb my throat , it may be hard going . This I knew already from an endoscopy I had done last year . Interestingly , they took no notice of what I said , and with what looked like a caulking gun , a nurse began making a thick swirl down my throat like she was doing some ' Good Housekeeping ' cake decorating . She was smiling as she did it , and I about choked ! I forgot to say that I was strapped into a gurney chair that could 've been one taken from Guantanamo Bay . I gagged , coughed , spat and my watering eyes clamped shut . I said ' is this some kind of torture ? ' I asked why they didn 't put me under before doing that . That 's when they told me they were going to do " Twilight " . I pleaded with them to put me somewhere between " Twilight and Midnight ! " I told the doctors who were doing the procedure that if they didn 't put me under deep enough that I might possibly fight back . They chuckled . I don 't remember too much , thank god - but they had put a wet washcloth on my forehead ; it kept slipping toward my traumatized nostril . I opened my eyes and saw my arm being swatted down by a nurse every time I tried to pull the dangling washcloth off my head . It was like a sissy cat fight , every time she swatted , I swatted right back . I was trying to talk and explain what I was doing . I just wanted the washcloth off my face . I couldn 't speak through the apparatus in my mouth - it was way worse than trying to talk at the dentist . They kept telling me not to talk . After it was over , I think I might have said , " I told you so ! I told you I 'm a fighter ! " to the doctors in defiance - but that may have just been a ' Twilight ' hallucination . Eventually I got put on a long leash of oxygen tubing in my room which allowed me to get up to go to the real bathroom . I had to make sure I didn 't pull the IV from my arm , and all the tubing , plugs , and machines had to be pulled around in just the right way . It was a lot of work for someone that was still shaky on their feet . At first I didn 't really want visitors , even Dan , because I was either sleeping or having some test or having blood withdrawn . I didn 't even watch TV . I slept . It was the day after being admitted that Dan came to visit the first time , he walked all the way from home to the hospital to bring me a real hamburger ! I felt bad for Dan because after I ate it , I wasn 't good company . Then poor Dan had to walk all the way home before it got dark . I think that 's the day he caught the terrible cold that really knocked him down for over a week ! I can 't remember what day it was when Dan and Suki came to visit together . Maybe it was the third day . They both had to wear face masks while in the room . All doctors , nurses and hospital staff had to wear yellow gowns and face masks when in the room too . It was written on my closed door that I was contagious . After a few days they took the sign down . While Suki and Dan were there that day , the Duke Hospital nutritionist came by for a visit . She asked how everything was , and I had to ask her why the hospital food was so bad and un - nutritious ? All food was overcooked and over seasoned , the salads ( mostly iceberg lettuce ) were brown around the edges , and all fruit was jellied , or covered with sugar laden fruit flavored syrup . Dan had brought me a real salad from one of the cafeterias designed for visitors and hospital staff . That food wasn 't that bad . The food served to patients was really , really bad . WHY ? The nutritionist said that it was hard to please everyone . And that cancer patients sense of taste is messed up so they don 't like anything . I got mad ! I thought ' so what ! ' I know , I 've had certain times where my taste buds were all mixed up . But I and every other sick person out there needs nutritious food ! What you see on this menu is far from what you get . Think of dumpster diving . . . the images of food you 'd come up with would be more accurate than what 's depicted here . Though some of these things sound appetizing - I assure you none of it is ! I became a crusader for better food , especially after my friend Melissa brought me homemade Pho soup and squash , and the best of all , fresh fruit ! ! ! I ate a strawberry and my body woke up screaming for nutrition . I immediately felt better than I had in all the previous days . Thank god for friends ! Thanks Melissa ! I had Suki bring me food too ! Real food ! It was marvelous ! Thank you Suki ! Eating real food brought me back to life and started me on the path to recovery . After I told the food services lady not to bring me any more trays , I had visits from three other people on the food board at Duke . They said they had been told I had a problem with the food . One woman actually sat down and wrote down my complaint . I told them it was wrong to serve people the food they were serving . It was keeping people sick . I told them I was going to sic Chef Gordon Ramsay on the Duke Food Services . I can 't understand why food can 't be prepared on the premises - or at least close by - and why the food can 't be healthy . So , I did , I did contact Chef Gordon Ramsay 's production team with this challenge . Change Duke Hospitals Food Services into something healthy . I 'll post the letter I sent out to Chef Gordon Ramsay as well as the response I recieved in my next post . To bring this long post to an end , I want to give my thanks to some outstanding people that took care of me . I had a great nurse named Cary , like the town between Durham and Raleigh . She really cared about what she was doing . She was so attentive , sensitive and just great at thinking ahead . She was my favorite . There was Grace , Susan , Nicole , Lila ( who was sweet and had amazing stories ) and Julie . Thank you all for taking care of me . Thanks to my doctors , Dr . Reidel , who I 've deemed my favorite , in place of Dr Scott Pruitt ( who I miss terribly ) ; and Doctor Verma who was very thorough in trying to find out what was wrong with me . In conclusion , the source of my illness was never found . Since I was released from the hospital on February 11th , I 've been getting stronger every day . Thanks to my sweet husband who keeps me going . Seems whenever he 's not around , I get into some kind of trouble . If it weren 't for him coming home when he did I really could of been a goner . And Suki , thanks for bringing and watching ' Totoro ' . It was very special for you to share that with me . Melissa thanks for the yummy healthy food and the great company . And lastly , thank you Shawn for making that trip before the snowstorm to bring me and Dan healthy good food that lasted us through the week of the storm . I love you all dearly ! One more thing . . . Starting Tuesday is WFMU 's 2014 Fundraising Marathon ! Be sure to help our world favorite freeform radio station stay alive ! There will be all kinds of prizes and exciting music to hear . If you want to pledge or donate early to WFMU go here . I 'll have more updates coming soon , including my collage art show that Michael Galinsky and Suki Hawley put together for me . And the amazing benefit that Rebecca Gaffney , Jen Rogers Anderson , and Laura Rogers put together for me . Also I had some great reviews of my record Handbook For Mortals . I 'm excited to write about all these great things . So look out for more to come . . . Warning - A Graphic Descriptive Tale This particular post isn 't for the faint of heart . So reader beware ! So much has happened in the last two months , it 's become a blur ! I think I 'll have to break up all the happenings into chunk events , and in no particular order . I 'll start with the most current event that sent me into the hospital for 7 days . We got up early to get Dan packed up and off to the airport . He was playing a show in Philly over that weekend , as well as doing a radio show . It wasn 't even really 5 days that he 'd be gone ; he was due back Monday . Once we got his things packed in the car , we stopped off at Biscuitville so I could get a cuppa Joe with a sausage / cheese biscuit . I ate and drove at the same time . The airport isn 't far and the drive can be done in about 35 minutes . We 'd done this a million times . I 'm always happy for Dan to escape the drudge of being home taking care of me . He does such a great job - it 's a bit unfair . I always wish him the best time he can possibly have on his trips ; and I know it 's hard for him because he worries about me all the time while he 's away . I knew how quiet it would be without him around , it made me a bit melancholy . I thought , me and the Beak would spend quality time together . I 'd get to know his feminine side . ( We found out that Glen is a true Hermaphrodite - he has one testical and one ovary ; and has layed 3 eggs ! ) We could watch our movies on the computer and try to learn some new phrases . Like , " I 'm a vulture ! " It would be fun . About halfway through my drive home , I felt hot , sweaty and chilled - Oh ! Christ ! Some sickness was wrapping it 's boney finger around me , and fast ! I hadn 't been anywhere outside my house for days - so it must have been squirming germs on my sausage and cheese biscuit ! Was it intentional ? Did someone hawk up something onto my biscuit bun ? No - That would be a bit over the top . Someone likely came to work sick , because they can 't afford to take any time off , so a sneeze , a cough , " poof , " a light coating of germs on my breakfast bag ! I was done for ! God knows how many germs were spread , and to how many people that day , via Biscuitville . As soon as I got home I fixed dinner for Glen , and myself . Dan and I were trying to change Glen 's eating habits . He 's such a picky , junk food junkie . He slightly pecked at his new bird food , and mainly ate the pasta I was eating . We watched TV . I was feeling so tired . I kept nodding out , it was no use trying to stay awake . I decided to go ahead and sleep the sickness off . I was sure I 'd feel better in the morning . I did feel better ! That afternoon , I went to get soup and veggies at the local chinese restaurant down the road , just to make sure I was eating and staying hydrated ( It 's so hard to make yourself eat and drink properly when you feel lousy ) I had such horrible sinus congestion - I had a pretty nice layer of kleenex going on the floor where I had missed the trash bag . I was amazed how much stuff came out of my nose ! It was unlike anything I 'd ever seen before . This stuff looked like it had been up there collecting dust ( and gunk ) since I had my pituitary surgery in November 2011 . Overwhelming chunks of what looked like sinus lining mixed with old rubber cement mucus and blood - It just kept coming ! I looked it up on Google , and it looked very close to Rhinoliths which are a rocks , or solidification of mucus and nasal debris . Yuck ! ! I settled down to watch one of mine and Dan 's favorite TV shows , Monk , ( on Friday 's at 8 : 00 - 2 episodes back to back ) . It was going to be a cozy evening , just Glen and me . I flipped around to channel 28 , and that 's when I realized something was wrong . I checked the online TV guide , and " what the what 's ? " I lost a day ! I lost a whole day ! It was Saturday , and Monk , was not on ! ! ! What happend to Friday ? I don 't remember having conversations , or being on the computer or any of it ! I do remember hazy moments of trying to talk to Dan and Suki - but my throat was so dry and scratchy I wasn 't good at keeping my end of the conversation up . And I can 't be sure which day that was . It was quickly turning into The Lost Weekend - but with no drinking ! I did notice that Glen was still out of his cage , and now had ' no prob - lem - o ' eating his new food . He must have caved in on that lost Friday , it was the only food left out for him . . . I took my temperature and it was 100 . 1 ( Not too high I thought ) I took an extra prednisone and went back to laying down . I thought for sure I 'd feel better Sunday . I don 't remember Sunday much either . I tried to do the dishes and some straightening of the house . I was so weak . I had bouts of diarrhea that whole week ( unfortunately it 's a typical side effect of the cancer drug Zelboraf ) , with Imodium it 's usually manageable - not this time . I didn 't even realize I was hitting the bathroom hard - because it had become so routine for me . Take 4 giant Zelboraf pills and you 're off , unless you take an Imodium in the nick of time . Then it 's another 4 before bed . 8 each day ! Imodiummmmm ! ! ! ! ! Them Z 's there , ain 't no piddly small pills neither ! I was drinking water by the gallons . I went to sleep after putting Glen to bed , knowing Dan would be back the next day and everything would be better . When Dan called to say what time he 'd be back , I asked him if he wouldn 't mind taking a cab home ; I didn 't think I could drive . I was so glad I was getting Dan back . He arrived . I could hear him in the house , he open the bedroom door , and I really wanted to run into his arms and give him a great big hug and kiss - but instead I told him I was sick , possibly contagious , and that he should stay far away . He walked through the door into the sea of used kleenex on the floor . All those days laying on the bed , my aim just got worse and worse , and I soon gave up even trying to get a dunk shot into the trash bag . All through Monday night Dan kept checking in on me . I was always thirsty . It seemed I couldn 't get enough water . I had sweaty chills . I felt terrible . I would go as far as to say , I was delirious . Dan poked his head through the cracked door . I woke up and all of a sudden ; I knew I was going to be sick to my stomach . I felt sweaty and feverish , I pulled myself up out of bed and ran to the bathroom . I headed to the kitchen and in a split decision , decided against barfing in the sink and hovered over the kitchen trash bin instead . Dan came out the bathroom door as I ran him over . " What 's going on ? " he said , as I pushed my way past . This is a disgusting part - but it happened . I had to run for the toilet because I was about to erupt like a Flaming Wheel Of Destruction ! Both ends were about to blow . My mother had always taught me to wear clean underwear in case you got hit by a car . This went through my mind as The Flaming Wheel Of Destruction blew out at both ends . Cripes ! I mean really CRIPES ! That was a new one for me . I had barfed all down my new baby blue t shirt , into my underwear and pants ! Say again . . . ! Anyone have the guts to admit something like that ever happening to them ? I was so sweaty and tired . Dan said my head was wobbling around like a bobble head with a broken spring . My head had two positions , backward or forward . When forward I was forced to look past my puke top into my pukey panties . Backward was a better view - the medicine rack and the ceiling . I couldn 't move - all my muscle power was drained . Dan asked me to get up and get back in bed . I just couldn 't do it . I couldn 't move , at all . I could hardly talk . I could see Dan 's frightened face as he asked if he should call an ambulance . I whispered , " Yes . " Dan was on it . I somehow managed to kick the up - chucked pant and panties off . I was left in my pukey blue t . We could hear the sirens off in the distance getting closer all the time . Dan tried to urge me off the toilet - but no way ! I was going in rock ' n ' roll style , the way of the " King ! " Elvis . The sirens were overwhelmingly loud - out in front of the house . I still couldn 't move , I had used up all my adrenaline . I have to take prednisone to keep me going . I can 't make adrenaline because of my damaged pituitary . So I was dragged off the throne by some really nice people , who didn 't seem to mind that I had a vomity blue shirt and no panites on . They just mumbled that they 'd seen worse . Dan is asking them questions and answering questions as to how I ended up in such bad shape . They hoisted me onto a plastic body bag and swung me up on a gurney . It was all very fast and I couldn 't see around me much . I did see a firetruck , and I noticed my neighbor , I think . Dan told me later that it was 7AM and everyone was on their way to work . Fun for all commuters , a bit of excitement , and a real eyeful . Not something you see every day , a half naked , pukey old lady , with a purple mohawk being shoved into an ambulance . Once I was locked in the back and Dan was in the front cab , we took off like a shot . It was my first ride in an ambulance . The EMS guy kept slapping me , saying the things you hear on TV shows . " Stay with us ! " , " Don 't go to sleep ! " I remember he was injecting me with things and saying he couldn 't find a pulse or get a blood pressure reading . The sirens were so loud . The guy was trying to keep me distracted telling me the names of the different siren sounds . I thought , I might be on my way out of this world ; but I 'm not 10 years old ! Duh ! I was wheeled into one of the partitioned rooms and suddenly there was a crowd over me . People saying things like , " I still can 't get a BP reading ! " , " I can 't find a pulse ! " 10cc 's of this 10 cc 's of that . I could see Dan sitting next to me , making faces at me , and holding my hand ; and being very very sweet to me . A doctor jabbed me with a huge needle of adrenalin . I remember his face asking me questions - but I couldn 't make out what he was saying . After a CT scan - the doctor with the big needle said I was being admitted to the hospital and I needed to sign some papers . I found myself in a hospital room on the 9th floor with no underwear , no shoes , no socks . Dan stayed with me until I felt comfortable . People kept popping in every few minutes for tests and such ; so I told Dan to go home and rest . I was seconds from sleeping anyway , while hooked up to a bazillion liquids through a painful IV . Dan asked if he should take my shirt home . He left and I imagined him walking home with my Pukey Blue T in a Duke Hospital " These are my personal belongings " bag . Then I thought about how bad things could have gone if Dan hadn 't come home when he did . He truly is my hero , my rooster , the one that keeps me going ! The one that keeps me living . I feel such gratitude ; it 's hard to put into words . The support you all give , emotionally and financially , has kept me going when times have been rough . My psychiatrist asked me how I do it ? How do I remain positive when dealing with all the medical issues I 've come up against . I 've had such difficult times , that when I look back , even I can 't believe that I got through it all ! My answer to him was , " I know people care about me . I know I 'm loved . I have such a network of support , that I have to keep going , I can 't give in to this illness . I have people I love that are rooting for me . I can 't let them down by giving in to cancer . I can 't have it rob me of my life . " I tell him that the people around me keep me positive , and encourage me in so many ways to never give up , and never give in to negative thinking . He 's amazed . I 'm amazed ! I 'm sure I 'd have lost my will to keep living at times . I know I 'd be way worse off without the love of my friends . So , thank you all so very much . I 've said it before and I will always say it ; I couldn 't do it without you all . Gosh ! I 've let another two months slip between writing . I haven 't written in a while because I 've been feeling worn out . I had stomach cramps that hurt just enough to make doing anything kind of a drag . Sitting up to write emails , facebook messages and just anything was hard . I 'm now taking Ritalin - boy it 's made a difference ! I 'm up and out of bed . I can type without too much trouble and I feel more like my old self . I 'm so glad . December 3rd I had my brain MRI and I was so relieved that I wouldn 't have to have Whole Brain Radiation ! I do have two spots that are active ; but they 're small . They just need to be watched . March 7th they 'll take another look - I 'll be so upset if anything is found . I 'm sure my brain surgeon will strongly suggest the thing I 'm most terrified about , WBR ! I feel that it will be the beginning of the downhill slide of no return . My leg radiation went well , I suppose . It was pretty ugly ; my thigh had turned black , and then peeled , like when you have the worst sunburn EVER ! Greek Gyros sandwich with Tzatziki Sauce , anyone ? My thigh looks almost normal , now . Well , except for the cancer is coming back . So much cancer shit happens in such a short amount of time ; its really hard to stay current . The radiation did work , when I had my check up PET on December 18th it was evident how much the leg tumor had broken up . I was very happy about it ! But then there was this great big glowing blob on my right breast ! My oncologist swore it was cancer . He just didn 't know what kind of cancer , breast or melanoma . I immediately asked for a biopsy . The breast people didn 't want to give me a biopsy - they wanted to do an ultrasound . I 'm thinking , ' How can you tell if it 's cancer just by doing an ultrasound ! ' Anyway , I had my oncologist set up an appointment with a breast surgeon . The breast people didn 't call . So , when January 2nd rolled around I told my oncologist that I never heard from the breast team and also that my leg tumor seemed to be coming back . I eventually met with a breast surgeon and had a FNA ( fine needle aspiration ) and was told within 20 minutes that it wasn 't cancer in my breast . You 'd think they could 've told me that before the holidays ! It 's a sebaceous cyst . Now , don 't go looking up sebaceous cyst unless you have a craving for gore and love vomiting at the sight of revolting things . Just take my word for it , it 's gross . I 'll have surgery to take it out because these kind of cysts don 't go away on their own . Surgery is slated for February 13th . I 'm not afraid , it 's a piece of cake ! Back to the leg . . . You know when you break a thermometer , and all the mercury spreads into little beads ? Well , that seemed to be the case with my leg tumor - but mercury also gathers back up into a mass . I 'm a pretty good judge of my body and when things are going wrong . So I felt that I had to have it looked at again . I saw my radiologist and he said I had the highest dose of radiation that I could take , and I 'll have to look at other options to treat it if it is cancer . Doing a FNA on my leg wouldn 't do any good - it 'd be like finding a needle in a haystack . He said it 'd be safe to wait until the 29th of January when I see my oncologist . I 'll have a full assessment then , to talk over new paths to take in my cancer treatment . It 'll likely involve real chemotherapy . I 'm not excited . This PET is not current ( Not from 2 days ago ) . My slab of chicken is coming back ! Damn ! And one more bit of medical news : I bashed my front teeth through my upper lip a few weeks ago . My big toe got caught up in my pajama pants leg . I bent over , hopping on one foot . ( That 's something I should never do anymore ) Oh man ! ! ! ! Nothing like the floor to straighten your smile . Dan was just coming in the door as I realized I was face down on the floor ; and as I got to my feet I got very afraid of what happened . There was blood everywhere . I didn 't know how bad it was , so I called out to Dan , and said , " Darling ! Something really awful has happened ! " It was on a Saturday and I wasn 't about to go to the ER ! No way ! ! ~ ! ! ! So , I just constantly iced it and swished saltwater in my mouth until that Monday . Thank God they didn 't break in half ! The dentist said that there maybe hairline fractures , and possible nerve damage . I 'll go back on January 22nd to see if the nerves are dying . If so , the teeth will have to be pulled . But I have a good feeling that I 'll be able to keep them . They still hurt , and I 've only just now been able to close my mouth . When I eat I have to use my back teeth only . This means every bit of food has to be cut in to tiny bits , then thrown down the ol ' gullet . I don 't know . . . I think it 's funny ! I have a sick sense of humor ! I 'll have you know the swelling has gone down and the two punctures aren 't even noticeable anymore . So in closing on this post ; I just want to say again how grateful I am to have you all rally around me . The benefit that 's going to happen tomorrow is so touching to me - so many people have come together to come to my aid and help me out with my medical bills and also just to keep living . Thank you to Rebecca Gaffney , Jen and Laura Rogers , and to all the people that have helped to make this benefit happen . So many bands / so much fun ! https : / / www . facebook . com / events / 721038087915201 / |
So wasn 't it just the other day when I posted about one of the kids hiding Tim 's computer mouse and I was saying Thank God it wasn 't a real mouse we were talking about ? Funny how things come back to bite you in the ass . Over the weekend , I felt motivated to do some organizing , especially after looking at our family room the day after Christmas . It looked like Toys R Us had exploded right here in our house . And isn 't it funny how when we start to organize , it seems that you can 't finish one job until you finish another job and that job can 't get finished until you finish yet another job ? That 's how it was . I started to go through all the toy bins we have and clear them out . But where was I to put all the extra toys ? I wasn 't quite ready to get rid of the toys . . . just figured I 'd save them for a rainy day and pull them out of thin air and exclaim , " Wow , look what I found . . . . " and the kids would think it was new stuff . So then I had to clear out a bunch of cabinets in the laundry room so I could store the toys in there in an organized manner . But then where was I to put the crap from the laundry room ? You see where this is going when I said one job hinges on another job which hinges on another job and so on and so forth ? After clearing out the laundry room cabinets where I now wanted to store the unused toys , I went out to the garage to make room for that crap . While in the garage , I couldn 't get to the shelves because all the plastic bottles and soda cans were in my way . So yet another job hinges on another job . . . . I started sorting through all of it to put them into the appropriate recycle containers . I didn 't have the garage door up so I only had the light of the garage door opener , which wasn 't really much . As I reached in back of one of the shelves to grab a coke can , I heard a " squeak , squeak , squeak " . I knew it had to be a field mouse because the squeak sounded so tiny but it still creeped me out . Why do we even have a cat if she can 't catch mice for us ? Useless cat just sleeps and eats . . . . some life , huh ? I ran intTweet Tonight , as I was chopping onions for dinner , my eyes began to sting and before I knew it , tears were rolling down my cheek . UGH ! And for some reason , the stinging sensation stays with me for hours afterwards . So I set out on a google search to find ways to stop the tears from flowing everytime I cut onions . I found some interesting tips : chew gum while cutting the onionwear swim goggleschop the onion under cold waterhold a piece of bread in your mouth ( huh ? ) It made me wonder what other random facts were out there that I wasn 't aware of . When snakes are born with two heads , they fight each other for food ( now aren 't you glad you know this ? The wierd thing about this random fact is that it says " when " and not " if " , as if 2 - headed snakes are a natural , everyday occurrence . The positive side of this is that if you ever encounter a 2 - headed snake , it 'll be too busy fighting with each other over who gets the first bite , that you 'll have time to run off . ) The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung , used by Egyptians in 2000 B . C . ( eeeewwww , eeeeeewwww and just plain eeeewwww ) When you die your hair still grows for a couple of months ( now that 's just downright creepy ) The word " lethologica " describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want ( so then how are you expected to remember the word that describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want ? ) Women are 37 % more likely to go to a psychiatrist than men are ( yeah , as if that 's a surprising fact ? This is because men ARE the reason women have to see a psychiatrist ) The largest number of children born to one woman is recorded at 69 . From 1725 - 1765 , a Russian peasant woman gave birth to 16 sets of twins , 7 sets of triplets , and 4 sets of quadruplets ( I 'm seriously still stunned after reading this fact . I could not even begin to imagine . . . . the poor lady spent most of her life knocked up ! And I thought Michelle Duggar was crazy with her 18 children ? ) The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night ( this fact actually made the hair Tweet I really wanted to post yesterday about our fun Christmas but as I sat down to write my post , Bella asked what I was doing . I told her " I 'm about to write a blog post about our Christmas " . She said , " How about if I tell you a story and you write that instead ? " . Okay , sounds fair . Plus , I think she 'll get a kick out of it when she reads it 20 years from now ! We started our Christmas celebration by baking and decorating sugar cookies . Yes , it was as messy as it looks ! Yes , some would say I had to be flying higher than a kite to let two 21 - month toddlers and two 4 - yr olds have free reign with the icing tubes and colored sprinkles ! But I made myself promise ahead of time that I would not focus on the mess or the chaos but that I would enjoy every minute of this experience with them and that 's exactly what happened . We had so much fun and the kids were so proud of their sugar cookie creations ! The next day , I took Bella to see The Nutcracker ballet for the first time ! ! ! My sister had given her the " Barbie in the Nutcracker " DVD last year at Christmas and Bella instantly fell in love with the story and the music . So this year we decided to accompany my sister and her daughter on their annual viewing of the Nutcracker ballet . Bella loved it . . . and she got especially excited every time she recognized a song that she had seen on the Barbie DVD . Initially , she wanted to dress herself and I was fine with that until I saw what she chose . . . . an old tank top with a faded butterfly on it , blue jeans , shin guards and water shoes . The water shoes actually replaced the Hello Kitty flip - flops she originally wanted to wear . Oh and she insisted that her hair looked fine the way it was . The snarled - up rat 's nest on the side of her head wasn 't a problem for her I suppose . I managed to convince her that the ballet was a special occasion and she should dress up a little bit . She ultimately decided she wanted to wear what I was wearing , which was a black sweater , blue jeans and black shoes . So we looked like twins ( once again ) but it was a muTweet We interrupt the regularly scheduled blog post to bring you a very special story told by Bella , age 4 : Once upon a time , I lived at my new home with Ella of Frell , Prince Char , Clara , Prince Eric and Barbie . Um , well , Ella wasn 't feeling good . So we 'll talk about the doctor . Ella went to the doctor and got a flu shot . Then she went to the other doctor and got her cholesterol checked . Her cholesterol was good . She didn 't cry but when she didn 't cry she died on the cross . She died on the cross because she wasn 't feeling good . Well , um , she was sick because she was sick and didn 't want to go to the doctor . She started to cry when she knew she had to go to the doctor . Well , they had to check to see if she 's feeling good or if she 's not feeling good so they 'll know what 's wrong . I don 't know why she told me she was sick . Well , she doesn 't lie so actually she is sick . If they tell her she 's sick , then she 's sick . Wanna know why she 's sick ? She 's sick because she ate a lot of junk and her tummy was full . The doctor took the food out . Then she was better . Well , then the bad man came , Prince Char 's dad , and he had a King 's hat on him and then he made Ella sad . Prince Char 's dad told the other bad guys to take Ella away . They put her in a cage in the castle . I brought her there to the castle . The green elf got her out of the cage and she showed me her book and then she , um , I can 't remember the rest of my story . That 's it . The End . Thank you for reading . . . . ( giggle , giggle ) and thank you for listening . And thank you for the food we eat that God gave us . We will return to our regularly scheduled blog post tomorrow . . . same time , same place . I knew I was in trouble last week when on Friday I dropped Cole and Bella off at preschool and the teacher met me with a huge smile and said , " Remember . . . today is the last day of school and then we 're off 2 weeks for Christmas break " . My tummy started to hurt and I was already calculating in my head how long EXACTLY this 2 weeks would be . 14 days . . . . or 336 hours . . . . or 20 , 160 minutes . . . . or , if I really want to set myself off into a major panic attack , that would be 1 , 209 , 600 seconds . Breathe , Helene , breathe . . . . . nice , deep breaths . . . . take yourself on a mental vacation . Envision being in Hawaii on the beach . . . the smell of salt in the air , the sounds of seagulls buzzing about , the feel of the warm water covering my body . . . until I go under the water and can 't come up . UGH ! ! So yesterday was our first official day off for break , not counting last weekend . I knew the day was headed for disaster when Cole and Bella woke up in the morning , all groggy , and asked , " do we have school today ? " and I said , " no school today " and they both got a twinkle in their eyes and smiled at each other like they had something horrible and evil up their sleeves . I was hoping to keep them busy all day so I met a friend and her kids at the mall 's play area but when we got there , they weren 't there yet and the kids noticed that there was a line forming over in the food court . SANTA CLAUS ! We had taken them over to see Santa a couple weeks ago but that went over like a fart in church . Cole and Bella literally yelled their wish list to Santa from 2 feet away . Landon just watched from a distance but wouldn 't smile at Santa , let alone make eye contact with him . Maybe he thought if Santa made direct eye contact , he 'd be able to figure out how many times Landon had bitten Garrett . Surpisingly , Garrett was the only one who got close enough to Santa to give him a high - 5 . But yesterday was a whole ' nother story , Garrett freaked out when Santa put him on his lap . Total meltdown mode . The lady by the camera kept saying " Mom , play peek - a - boo with him . . . get hTweet A friend of mine sent me an important e - mail about what to do in the event of a kitchen grease fire . As much of a worry - wart as I am , I guess I never gave much thought to how I 'd handle such a situation . My first instinct would probably be to throw water on the grease fire . But after reading this e - mail and watching the short video ( 30 seconds ) , I learned a valuable lesson . . . . DO NOT throw water on a grease fire ! ! The aftermath of what would happen sent chills down my spine , especially because , chances are , my children would be in the kitchen with me because there seems to be some silent rule that they all must hang on my legs while I cook meals . When I asked my husband what he would do in the event of a kitchen grease fire , he thought throwing water on it would be the correct way to put out the fire . I had him watch the video and he had the same reaction as I did . The following information is what was included in the e - mail . . . . . read this first and then watch the short video . " I never realized that a wet dishcloth can be a one size fits all lid to cover a fire in a pan ! This is a dramatic video ( 30 - second , very short ) about how to deal with a common kitchen fire . . . Oil in a frying pan . Read the following Introduction , then watch the show . . . It 's a real eye - opener ! At the Fire Fighting Training school they would demonstrate this with a deep fat fryer set on the fire field . An instructor , donned in a fire suit and using an 8 oz cup at the end of a 10 foot pole , would toss water onto a grease fire . The results got the attention of the students . The water , being heavier than oil , sinks to the bottom where it instantly becomes superheated . The explosive force of the steam blows the burning oil up and out . On the open field , it became a thirty foot high fireball that resembled a nuclear blast . Inside the confines of a kitchen , the fire ball hits the ceiling and fills the entire room . Also , do not throw sugar or flour on a grease fire . One cup of either creates the explosive force of two sticks of dynamite . This is a poweTweet Thank God we 're not talking about an actual live mouse or I wouldn 't be writing in my blog right now . I 'd be wrapped in a thermal blanket on the back porch until the little creep was outta my house ! ! No , we 're talking about a computer mouse . Funny how Tim never learns . But then again , he 's a man . Need I say more ? Sometimes he works from home and has made the mistake SEVERAL times of leaving his laptop accessible to the kids when he steps away to run errands or take a 20 - minute break in the bathroom , which by the way still really irks me . Why is he afforded a 20 minute bathroom break at least twice a day but I haven 't been able to even pee for 5 seconds without 4 pairs of eyes watching me ? But that 's a whole ' nother tangent . The last time Tim left his laptop out was when my mom and stepdad babysat the kids so we could go to a movie . He left it sitting out on the dining room table . . . . open . . . . . with his headphones on the keypad . . . . . can 't you just tell where this is going ? He didn 't bother to check his laptop when we came home but the next day , as he sat down to check his e - mail , I heard him yell , " OH NO , OH NO . . . . . ( throw in a couple curse words ) . . . . OH NO " . I came running in the room like a bat out of hell , " Oh My Goodness , what are you screaming about ? " and he said , " LOOK " . The whole screen of his laptop was cracked in half and it was all blank . Apparently , one of the kids must have sat on his laptop , essentially closing it on the headphones , thus cracking the screen . It was a $ 500 mistake ! So after that , one would think he 'd never leave his laptop accessible to the kids again , right ? Well , that 's what I would think . . . . The other day , he left it out on the dining room table . When he went to check his e - mail first thing in the morning , he started yelling , " Okay , who took my mouse ? " . But he was met with blank stares from children . I have to say all 4 of my children have totally perfected the " Who ? Me ? " look . It 's cute . . . . sometimes . None of them would admit to taking the mouse . He asked each of them , " did you take the mouse ? Tweet I was talking on the phone yesterday with a good friend of mine . She has 3 kids , including a 5 - month old baby . We were talking about how difficult it is to juggle the kids , keep the house clean , stay organized . . . all the things that are expected of us as mothers . She 's feeling overwhelmed , scattered , disorganized . . . we 've all been there . She asked me how I manage with 4 kids and I didn 't know what to say . We all just do the best we can do , praying that it 's enough to keep us going . I wished so much that I could reach through the phone and give her a big hug . My heart ached as I listened to her describe her life and how overwhelming it is right now , mostly because I understood it wholeheartedly . As we ended our conversation , I said " remember . . . . this too shall pass " . I never used to believe that saying . It 's hard to imagine the light at the end of the tunnel when you 're in the midst of the struggle . I heard that phrase from experienced mothers the most when Cole and Bella were newborns and I quickly realized I was in over my head as a first - time mother to twins . At that time , I couldn 't imagine things ever getting better . . . . or easier , for that matter . But eventually , as time went on , things did become somewhat easier . Not easier in the sense that parenting was a breeze all of a sudden but easier in the sense that I was now more confident in my mothering skills . There came a time where one of them would cry and I would know exactly what they needed . I was finally starting to understand what everyone meant by " this too shall pass " . Then came Garrett and Landon and my whole world was thrown upside down all over again . Just as I did when I was pregnant with Cole and Bella , I had a perception of what it would be like when Garrett and Landon entered the world and became part of our family . Then reality hit . . . . and it hit me hard . . . . right smack in the face . There were times when I would have it out with God . . . . " I love each of my children and I 'm so happy that You have blessed us but couldn 't You have just sent us one child at Tweet I like to think I 'm a pretty smart lady . However , I 'm not so sure on the common sense . It seems like everyone else is always in on the joke except for me . Case in point . . . . This morning I was driving to Target with no kids in tow ( a miracle in and of itself , no doubt ) and I was enjoying listening to the radio . My kind of music . . . . no KidzBop 14 playing on the CD player , no Elmo 's World DVD blaring in the background . . . . nothing but MY kind of music ! Prince 's " Little Red Corvette " was playing and I found myself singing to it , taking myself way back to a happy place when I was 13 years old and at sleep - away camp for the summer . After dinner every evening , the camp counselors put on a little show to give us hints about what huge activity we 'd be doing that week . On this particular night , they had involved some of the campers in on the act and one of the boys who I had a huge crush on at the time ( and I write " at the time " because by the next week , I had already moved on and was in love with a different boy ) had dressed up like Prince and was lip - synching the song . It totally rocked my world , watching him dance and sing and I thought he was the hottest boy on earth ( well , until he kissed me at the dance that week and then lied to all his friends that he had not only kissed me but felt me up too ) . Okay , way too much information there . . . . Anyway , I digress . . . . so everytime I hear " Little Red Corvette " , it always makes me think of that boy and I can very vividly remember in my mind him dancing on the stage and my heart thumping out of my chest . I always thought the song was about a car . I mean , the song is called " Little Red Corvette " . I know the words sure enough but I guess I never put two and two together . See , this is where I 'm talking about lack of common sense . So after the song was done playing on the radio this morning , the DJ 's were talking about the meaning of the song . Imagine my shock when one of the DJ 's made a reference to the song being about a " fast woman " and not necessarily about a " fast car " . They all had a Tweet So I 'm one of those moms who thoroughly enjoys being able to hold Christmas over their kids ' heads . As in " if you don 't stop hitting your brother , the elves will report it to Santa " or " you 're gonna end up on Santa 's naughty list if you keep spitting on your sister " . That always seems to straighten them up . . . . . for a few minutes , anyway . No kid can be expected to behave for 20 minutes in a row , right ? Or maybe that 's just my kids ? My newest threat is " don 't you know that Santa is everywhere . . . . he sees you all the time . He has elves secretly planted in various places and they watch you and report back to him . And sometimes if you 've been especially naughty , Santa will be watching you himself ! ! ! " I 'm not sure if the kids really believe me or not . Up until now . . . . Tim and I took them to the grocery store yesterday . We normally don 't do this but we both needed gas in our cars and , at our store , when you spend over $ 100 you can get a huge discount on gas . Our discount yesterday was 40 cents so that made our gas only $ 1 . 20 / gallon . So we both fill up our cars immediately after shopping . Needless to say , grocery shopping with 4 kids is not my idea of fun . The store just got these really fun new cars that have a little tv in the front , where 2 kids can sit . Most kids would get a kick out of this and stay quiet the whole time while Mom shops . But not my kids . . . . nope , they fought the whole time . " I wanna sit in front of the steering wheel " , " Hey , you broke the tv . . . Mommy , Cole broke the tv " , " I want out " , " I don 't want to sit with her anymore " . Between the 4 of them , they played musical carts over and over to the point where I finally lost it and screamed , " all of you stay put for the next 2 minutes so we can get the shopping done " . That didn 't work . So I said , " I bet you all that Santa is here somewhere in this store , hiding , and watching you all . . . I 'll bet you anything he 's shaking his head in disappointment and considering putting you on his naughty list " . Bella looked like she was considering this and she asked , " once we ' Tweet I had an appt today with my former ob / gyn , Dr D ( my regular ob / gyn is on maternity leave ) . Dr D was my ob / gyn when I was pregnant with Cole and Bella and he was the one who delivered Garrett and Landon . I absolutely adore him ! I had made the appt because it 's been 6 months without a period and I guess I 'm still in denial that at the age of 39 ( which seems young to me ) I 'm already in the throws of menopause . Even though my ob / gyn had tested my FSH , roughly , 2 months ago and it was already at 32 . So I wanted to go in and discuss this topic once again and see if there was any other definitive test that would tell me for sure this is what 's going on with my body . Or at the very least , talk to the dr about herbal remedies instead of hormone replacement therapy , if needed . Upon being called into the exam room , the nurse and I talked about the kids . The wierd thing is that she remembered me from when I was pregnant with Garrett and Landon ! ! I guess I was in there often enough but it 's been 21 months ! I should 've asked her what kind of pill she takes that allows her to have such an excellent memory because Lord knows I can 't even remember my name half the time . She asked the reason for my appointment and I told her that I hadn 't gotten my period in 6 months and I figured it was due to perimenopause but I wanted to make sure there was nothing else going on that may be a more serious explanation , like cancer . So totally not likely but once my mind gets going , it doesn 't stop . I went from having extremely heavy periods every 2 - 3 weeks to absolutely nothing , which I thought was pretty strange . She handed me an empty pee cup and said , " I 'm sure Dr D is gonna want me to do a pregnancy test " . I laughed so hard I almost fell off the table . She said , " I know , I know . . . . you need another kid like you need a hole in your head but just for humor 's sake , let 's at least do the test , okay . . . . just to rule it out " . I said , " I had my tubes tied with my last c - section ! ! Dr D did the surgery himself after he delivered the boys . He assured bothTweet I 've been on this artsy fartsy kick with the kids lately . I 'm not much with creative talent but I try . Plus , it keeps their little hands busy ( ie out of trouble ) . So yesterday , I brought out the art supplies and set out to have Garrett and Landon make snowmen . They sat impatiently watching me cut out the eyes , the hats , the noses , etc , etc . I poured the glue onto the paper and let them put cotton balls on it to make their snowmen . Garrett immediately freaked out within the first minute when he got some glue on his fingers . So I had to help him put the rest of the cotton balls on his snowman . . . . or should I say , he directed me . But Landon had a blast and kept piling on cotton ball after cotton ball ( even being so daring as to put one in his mouth . . . why ? I don 't know but apparently there 's some unwritten toddler rule that everything that touches the hands must be put in the mouth as well , even if it 's not edible ) . This was the finished product : Awww , look , it 's twin snowmen ! I love how Landon looks so happy to show his snowman off but Garrett has a scowl on his face . Perhaps he was still pissy about the glue getting on his fingers ? Today , we had the carpets cleaned . The whole entire house . It all looks brand new again . I asked Cole , " so how long do you think the carpets will stay clean ? " and he said , " oh , about 6 " . I said , " 6 what ? 6 days ? 6 weeks ? 6 months ? " and he said , " no , 6 minutes " . He 's probably right . Although I was pretty good about chasing after each of them if they even dared to bring a sippy cup or a snack into the family room , screaming , " wait . . . . new rule . . . . NO food or drinks on the carpet " . Lastly , we had a visit from the refrigerator repair man . This repair guy was really young but seemed to know what he was doing . He even had an assistant with him . And he worked for cheap . . . . he accepted payment in the form of a handful of grapes and a sippy cup of milk ( eaten in the kitchen , of course , and NOT on the clean carpet in the family room ) . When I was a child and my mother used to use that statement on me " Because I said so , that 's why " , it used to drive me nuts . I swore I would never say that to my child ( ren ) . But then again , I said I wouldn 't do a lot of things when I had kids and I 'm guilty of doing 99 . 9 % of them every single day . So this morning , we were running around here like chickens with our heads cut off trying to get the kids ready to go to a friend 's child 's birthday party . We were practically begging them to get dressed and put their shoes on . I finally declared , " why are Daddy and I struggling to get you all ready to go to a birthday party . . . it 's not like we 're headed to the dr 's office or anything . . . . if you all aren 't ready in the next 10 minutes , we are NOT going to the party so if you REALLY wanna go , I suggest you all start cooperating and get your butts in gear " . The biggest protest came from Bella . She had on a really cute outfit that I had just gotten for her and I was about to put her hair in a ponytail . She managed to find an old pair of swimming goggles from last summer and insisted on wearing them . I said , " you can 't wear swimming goggles because when you take them off , it 'll mess up your ponytail " . She responded , " well , I won 't wear a ponytail then " . Okay . . . . . so I said , " you can 't wear goggles because it 's practically winter and you only need goggles for swimming " . She responded , " that 's not true . . . people wear goggles in the snow when they ski , I 've seen it on tv " . Okay . . . . hmmm , I was gonna have to really give this some more thought . " Bella , listen , I 'll level you with here , the real reason you can 't wear goggles is because the other kid 's at the birthday party won 't have goggles to wear and they 'll all be jealous . So it 's only fair for you to leave the goggles at home " . She seemed to be mulling it over but then said , " I 'll just tell them to ask Santa for some goggles like mine " . I said , trying to be funny , " Bella , you kinda look like a frog with those goggles on " . She looked at me and said , " yeah and frogs are cute " . Heck , ITweet Today was a 2 . That being on a scale of 1 - 10 on how crappy my day was today . From start to finish , it was just pure torture . The kids were whiny , argumentative , demanding . . . and that was all just before lunch . I couldn 't get them fed fast enough , practically shoveling the food in their mouths for them . I got the little twins upstairs to nap in their cribs and then came downstairs and pretty much threatened Cole and Bella that they needed to rest while watching some tv so I could have some time to cool off and relax . See , that 's the beautiful thing about Christmas being so close is that I can say " wow , it 's really too bad I 'm gonna have to call Santa this afternoon and report to him how disappointed I am in your behavior . . . . I 'll have to make sure he sends his # 1 top elf to watch you both " . They both look at me wide - eyed , saying " no Mommy . . . . we 'll behave " . What the heck am I gonna do when Christmas is over and done with ? ! I don 't even wanna think about it . . . . The one part of the day that was enjoyable was when Garrett and Landon 's speech therapist came over . They qualified for speech services through our local IE program so she comes over twice a week . I 've already seen a dramatic improvment in their language skills , which is quite amazing to me . They 're starting to use sign language and beginning to say words , which are now understandable ( well , somewhat ) . But the minute she walked out the door and I had to start making dinner , all hell broke loose again and I was back to making threats about calling Santa . I was near tears by the time Tim came home from work . All he had to do was take one look at my face and he didn 't need to even ask , " so sweetie , how was your day ? " In the meantime , I 've been losing myself in the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer . Everyone 's been raving about it , especially since the movie came out . I could not understand what all the excitement was about probably because it 's not the typical type of book I thought I 'd enjoy . And I thought it was more of a teenage thing . But now I 've heard from seTweet Things that make me irritable : 1 ) People who drive slow . You know , the ones who hop in their car and barely press on the gas pedal , as if they have all the time in the world . Chances are , I have 4 kids screaming in my mini - van about this and that and I , for one , DO NOT have all the time in the world . I 'd like to get to my final destination pronto . . . before I lose my hearing . . . . and my sanity . 2 ) People who go into the 10 - item max check - out line in the grocery store when they clearly have more than 10 items . Sure , if you have 11 or 12 things , that 's no biggie . But if you have 20 things and you 're standing in the quick check - out line and I happen to see you , there will be a throw down , Again , I have NO time to waste . . . . who does ? 3 ) People who grab the only cart at the local grocery store which seats 4 children but they only happen to have ONE child . Why ? ? Why would someone do that ? ? All the other carts are meant to seat ONE child . . . . depending on my mood , I will hunt that person down with all my kids in tow and follow them around the store , making angry faces and grumbling under my breath about how unfair life is . Things that make me cry : 1 ) Looking at baby pictures of my kids . It never fails . I just sit in awe at how tiny they were at birth and then to look at them now . . . wow , it 's amazing . 2 ) The movie Steel Magnolias . It 's just one of those movies I can watch over and over and over and still cry every single time , especially during the scene where Sally Field and the other ladies are standing around after her daughter 's funeral and she says , " I find it amusing . Men are supposed to be made out of steel or something . I just sat there . I just held Shelby 's hand . There was no noise , no tremble , just peace . Oh god . I realize as a woman how lucky I am . I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out . It was the most precious moment of my life . " I cry a river every single time . 3 ) I 've cried out of sheer exhaustion sometimes . Just to get it out of my system I suppose . You know thTweet I 'm lagging . I 've been blessed with some wonderful awards and some fun tags and I have yet to compile them all into one post . I even wrote them down on a piece of paper that I kept next to my computer with the intent to write about them . Then the holidays happened . . . first Halloween , then Thanksgiving and now Christmas . Yeah , so I 'm making lousy excuses . . . . but I do LOVE awards and tags so I don 't want to seem unappreciative at all . Hajar at Tales of an American Nomad tagged me back in October with a really fun meme about what 's in your diaper bag . I was impressed with how short her list was ( and she has infant TWINS ! ) . She actually keeps black pepper in her diaper bag . . . . why , you might ask ? Her babies , like mine , hate to be held down while having the snot sucked out of their tiny noses with the nasal aspirator . So she puts a little black pepper under their noses to get them to sneeze and . . . . waaaahhhllllaaaa . . . . all the snot comes flying out on its own . I thought that was pretty clever . However , when I tried it with Landon , he just wanted to taste the black pepper . It didn 't make him sneeze . . . . it just made his eyes water and got him all pissy . Figures , right ? I learn a great tip like this and it would be MY kid who it doesn 't work on . Such is life . My diaper bag is humongous . . . . I have one of those Skip Hop Duo Double diaper bags . It is the mother of all diaper bags . I used to carry around 2 little diaper bags , which drove me nuts , but I didn 't think a bigger bag that could carry all the stuff for all 4 kids actually existed . Oh , but it did . . . . it was an answer to prayer . It was not cheap . . . I paid $ 80 for mine but it so worth the money to me . I can fit everything I need for all the kids in this bag . Sure , it weighs a freakin ton after I 'm done packing it up but everything 's in one bag and there are so many compartments and mesh holders that it keeps everything organized . Okay , so here goes . . . . here 's what in my diaper bag : In the front pockets : earphones for my iPod ( for when I work out ) 3 tubes of chapstick2 travel packs ofTweet It finally happened . A Thanksgiving without any drama . No drama , whatsoever ! I think I might have dreamed it but alas I have pinched myself many a time and I 'm sure it was real . Originally , we weren 't sure what we were going to do for the holiday . Tim 's brother and his wife had invited the whole family over plus some family friends to celebrate Thanksgiving early ( last Sunday ) since they were going to be away from home on the actual day of Thanksgiving . So we figured that was our holiday celebration with Tim 's family . My sister always has her in - laws over and it just gets too crowded , especially with our 4 kids added to the mix . We decided against going there . My mom and step - dad decided to go to San Francisco for the day , rather than spend the holiday with us . What grandparent doesn 't want to spend a holiday with their grandchildren ? ! Enough said . So it was just going to be the 6 of us here at home . . . . a nice , quiet Thanksgiving . Tim was fine with it . I was okay with it too but I was a little sad that we have family so close to us yet no one was coming over for the holiday . It says a lot about my family . I kept saying to Tim , " I 'm just sad that Thanksgiving will be just like any other day for us . . . . me in the kitchen cooking a meal that no one will probably eat and chasing after kids while trying to keep them entertained , changing diapers , cleaning messes . . . . " . I 'm sure he got tired of hearing it but there was nothing he could really do or say to snap me out of my bad attitude so he would just roll his eyes every time I would start in . I envied all my friends who were getting together with their huge , loving families to celebrate the day . The one good thing about not having family around was there would be no drama . There 's always at least 3 people in my family who aren 't talking to other family members and it 's awkward and tense . In Tim 's family , there 's always some kind of needless drama that gets thrown in at the last minute , making everyone dread the holiday . When we found out that Tim 's parents were just planningTweet My kids are my latest source of entertainment . I don 't need TV , I don 't need the music on my iPod . All I need is to watch and listen and I end up completely entertained . Here 's some of the silly things they 've done or said recently : Bella has a habit of just coming up with random comments at any given time . For instance , the other morning , she had climbed in bed with me somewhere around 4 : 30 am . She woke up at 6 : 30 am , woke me up by nudging me and as soon as I opened my eyes and groggily asked , " what ? " , she said , " On Soaring over California , we had to wear seat belts . But you and Daddy didn 't " . Huh ? ? I had to think for a minute , given I had just woken up . . . what was she talking about ? Oh , the ride at Disneyland that we went on over two months ago . Obviously , this was still weighing heavily on her mind . And then a couple days ago , she was helping me make dinner and I was explaining to her how we make minestrone soup in the crockpot . Out of nowhere , she says , " Mommy , unicorns don 't like Halloween " . Okay , that was sooooo out of left field that it left me wondering if she had eaten some mushrooms that had grown in our backyard . The conversation went like this , " So , we cut up all these veggies and then we throw them in the crockpot and stir " . . . " Mommy , unicorns don 't like Halloween " . I just stared at her and she shrugged and said , " well , they DON ' T " . We 've finally done away with pull - ups at night for Cole and Bella . I know they are capable of going a whole night without peeing in their beds so we put them to the test . The first night , Bella did have an accident but Cole didn 't . However , she insisted she did not pee in her jammies . When I asked her what happened , she said , " Cole peed in the potty and then he took a bunch of the pee water and spilled it on my bed and my jammies " . Now how creative is that ? ? ! ! Cole kept saying " Nuh - uh , she 's lying " . Of course , I knew she was lying but I was pretty darn impressed with the creativity behind that one ! Today , I had to take Cole to the surgeon for a consult about the surgical proceTweet |
Despite the rainy weather last Friday , Jason and I took the dogs on their favorite hiking trail . Mitch , as usual , was running up and down the sides of the mountain with the vitality of the Energizer bunny . Tippy started off at her leisurely pace , stopping every other step to smell something . But after her warm - up , she evidently decided she was ready to keep up with her brother . I don 't mind Mitch exploring because he has a better sense of direction than I do . He can travel for miles in the woods ( off the trail , of course ) and still meet us further up the trail . Tippy , on the other hand , has my sense of direction . She couldn 't find her way out of a paper bag . If Mitch knows she 's following him , he 'll usually try to make sure he leads her back out , but sometimes the " explorer " in him forgets to watch out for his sister . On Friday , it seemed like Tippy knew that Mitch was full of excessive energy , so even though she wandered up down in the woods , she never let us out of her sight . She was determined not to get lost . The funny thing was how she would come out of the woods . To get out of the woods , one has to go down a slope to get back on the trail . There are places where these slopes are very steep and other places where they aren 't bad at all . Tippy would decide that she was ready to be out of the woods and go in search for a way down to the trail . Inevitably , she would walk back and forth along the edge of the slope and then pick the steepest part to come down . Thankfully , she 's not too proud to slide down on her behind ! The part that makes it funny is that if she had just kept walking in either direction , she would have come to an easy slope to descend . She stopped too soon because she couldn 't see the path ahead . Sound familiar ? Oh , how many times do we feel like giving up on life because we can 't see the path ahead ? Steep slopes surround us , and we panic . In our despair , we usually choose one of two actions : 1 ) We try to descend the steepest part of the slope and end up bruised and battered ; 2 ) We sit down at the top of the slope and refuse to go any further . If only we would consider option # 3 - - Keep going ! ! ! ! God has assured us that He will be our Guide . No , we may not see a way out . Yes , the slopes may look steep . But God is good . He sees what we can 't see . He knows what we don 't know . He is guiding our paths , and we would be wise to follow His guidance ( especially when it contradicts with our " common sense " ) . After all , when we try to go our own way , we may find that we 're spending far too much time on our bottoms to get anywhere ! Trust in the LORD with all thine heart ; and lean not unto thine own understanding . In all thy ways acknowledge him , and he shall direct thy paths . - Proverbs 3 : 5 - 6 Is it just me , or does it seem like our churches are dying ? What has happened to leave so many empty seats in the house of the Lord ? Why is it that churches with a record attendance of 3 , 000 are now struggling to reach an attendance of 300 ? I 'll give you a good idea of what I think has happened , and believe it or not , it can be found by taking a good look at King Ahab ( you know , the wicked , wicked king of Israel ) . And Jehoshaphat said , Is there not here a prophet of the Lord besides , that we might enquire of him ? And the king of Israel said unto Jehoshaphat , There is yet one man , Micaiah the son of Imlah , by whom we may enquire of the Lord : but I hate him ; for he doth not prophesy good concerning me , but evil . And Jehoshaphat said , Let not the king say so . - I Kings 22 : 7 - 8 In the above passage , Syria was ready to war against Israel , so Ahab sought an alliance with Jehoshaphat , the king of Judah . Jehoshaphat was willing to help , but he wanted to make sure the Lord was with them and approved of their actions , so he asked Ahab to have the prophets enquire of the Lord . Well , Ahab did just that , only the prophets that were seeking God 's will were not God 's prophets . Knowing Ahab 's ways , they were more than likely prophets of Baal . Nevertheless , they gave Ahab the green light from " the Lord , " but Jehoshaphat wasn 't convinced . " Don 't you have a real prophet of God that we can ask ? " the king of Judah queried . I would love to have seen Ahab 's face at this question . No doubt , his smile faded , but I must admit that his verbal response brings a smile to my face every time . " Well , there is this one guy , but I hate him because he never tells me what I want to hear ! " Oh my goodness ! What a baby ! Once again , Ahab opened his mouth and displayed his immaturity . Unfortunately , Christians do the same thing all the time , and that , my friend is what 's wrong with our churches . These statements may sound like exaggerations , but I promise you they are not . I 've heard them ( and many more ) with my own ears . Now , I understand that God will sometimes move people to another church . That 's fine . I also understand that sometimes the preacher will stray from preaching the Word of God and will begin preaching his own convictions and pet peeves . In such cases , I urge you to find another church . But , more often than not , the problem is not with the church or the preacher , it 's with the immature Christian who , like Ahab , says , " Well , there 's this one pastor , but I hate him because he never tells me what I want to hear . " Hmm ! May I be very blunt for just a moment ? If the preacher is preaching the Word of God , and you 're upset because it 's not what you want to hear , where do you think the problem is ? After all , if the man of God is preaching the Word of God , and you don 't like it , that means that you 're upset with what God is saying . If that 's grounds for leaving and joining another church , guess what - - You 're either going to have to join a church where the preacher is NOT preaching the Word of God , or you 're just going to get mad and leave that church too . Right ? Christians , it 's time for us to grow up ! If we don 't like what God has to say , it is not God or the Bible or our church membership that needs to change . It 's us ! We need to change . We need to grow up . We need to stop worrying about our feelings and start thinking about what we can do to become better servants for Christ . The holidays are a wonderful time , and for many , it is a time to reflect on the many blessings in our lives . For some , however , it also tends to be a time when we realize just how much we lack . We see others with their new clothing , gadgets and gizmos , and feel as if we 're missing out because there weren 't any gifts under our tree this year . Some look forward to the new year with great anticipation while others are hoping and praying that the upcoming year will be better than the last . And , as strange as it seems , in the midst of holiday cheer and time with family , a test takes place . A fill - in - the - blank test , to be exact . Not sure what I mean ? Here are a few examples : No doubt , as you read through those four questions , a few answers popped into your head before you even realized it . You see , this isn 't a test we have to study for . We 've already trained the answers into our brains . Money . Fame . Job . Relationship . Health . We know we want . We know what we feel we need or deserve . And we 've fooled ourselves into thinking that once we have " that " ( whatever fills in the blank ) our lives will be complete and fulfilled and happy . But more often than not , what happens is that we move on to the next thing on our lists because , let 's face it , we 'll never have exactly what we want . So what do we do ? How do we finish up this year and begin the new one with an attitude of hope and gratitude instead of misery and discontentment ? Well , the first step is to retrain our brains . We do not need money , fame , relationships , good jobs or great health in order to live fulfilled lives . The only thing we need is Christ , and if we 've accepted Him as our Lord , then we already have that . We need nothing else ! The sooner we realize and accept that , the better off we 'll be . The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He maketh me to lie down in green pastures : he leadeth me beside the still waters . - Psalm 23 : 1 - 2 The Psalmist sure does use interesting wording in verse two . Notice , he doesn 't say that the Lord " allows " or " permits " or " urges " him to lie down . Nope , He " makes " him . Sounds about right , doesn 't it ? When was the last time you voluntarily took some rest for yourself ? Let 's face it , we 're always on the run , and this time of the year , everything revs up to an even more alarming speed . So much to do . So many things on the to - do list . Too many obligations . Way too much stress . Who has time to stop and take a rest ? Obviously , we don 't think we do , so that 's why God has to be the responsible shepherd and " make " us lie down . No more excuses . No way out . Sometimes , we get to the place where we 've run ourselves so ragged that the Lord steps in and says , " Enough of that , child . Be still for a little while . " And notice , it 's not a request but a command . Often , it 's enforced with sickness or circumstances that leave us no other option but to rest . And , of course , our response is to complain . We stress about the things that are not getting done . We wonder if we 'll be better in time for all of our upcoming appointments . And we fuss with God for His poor planning and timing . If we would only realize that God is not being cruel . He is showing how much He cares for us - - too much to allow us to run ourselves to death . He knows that we won 't stop and rest on our own , so He sees to it that we have no choice but to gain the rest of which our bodies are depleted . He loves us enough to chance our anger and scorn by giving us what we need instead of what we want . Just as a parent sends the sleepy child off to bed , God is looking out for our welfare . He knows what is best for us and just how much we can bear . Dear friends , I know it is a hectic season , and I realize the many obligations you are probably facing . But I urge you to take some time to rest before the Shepherd forces it upon you . You 'll be glad you did , and you 'll likely be able to get so much more accomplished once your body is renewed and refreshed . Find some green pastures today , and settle in for a little nap . ( Hehehe , I just realized that the music playing in the background is " I 'm Dreaming of a White Christmas . " Coincidence ? I think not . ) Sleep . Dream . Rest . Smile . It 's all good ! Today was errand day , and let me tell you , it 's certainly beginning to look a lot like Christmas out there . No , I 'm not referring to the decorations , toys , Santas or bargains , although those are certainly hard to miss . Rather , I 'm talking about all the Scrooges out there . Good grief ! How is it that , at the most wonderful time of the year , people can be so grouchy ? What happened to peace on earth , goodwill toward men ? I was standing in the long line at the grocery store , annoyed yet not surprised by the many people with carts full of goodies for Christmas parties and dinners . It is , after all , the week before Christmas . Others , however , were not so gracious and understanding despite the goodness of others . Seeing that the man behind me in line only had a few items , I allowed him to go ahead of me . He thanked me and took his place in line . At that point in time , the cashier was having trouble with the conveyor belt . She pushed the button to make it advance , but it seemed to be stuck . She tried again , but the thing refused to move . She looked a bit panicked and embarrassed , then noticed that one of the separator bars ( you know the little beams that you place between your order and those before and behind you ) had inched its way forward just enough to cause the conveyor to bind . She slid it to the side , and immediately , the conveyor surged forward . The guy in front of me turned and snickered , saying sarcastically , " Yeah , duh . If you move the thing , it will go . " Then he proceeded to use the Lord 's name in vain and looked up at me to smile . I 'm not sure exactly what he saw on my face , but from the way he frowned then turned back around , I 'm guessing it wasn 't pleasant . In fact , I was disgusted . Here , I had just shown him grace , and he turned right around and gave someone else a hard time . What 's up with that ? At this point , I noticed an elderly gentleman behind me , clutching a pack of paper towels . " If that 's all you have , " I said , " you can go ahead of me . " He smiled , thanked me and moved ahead of me in line , leaving another elderly couple in my wake . The man behind me leaned in , looking for one of the separator bars so that he could begin loading his groceries onto the conveyor . I walked forward , grabbed one of the bars near the front of the line and placed it behind my groceries . You 'll never believe what he said to me . " Well , isn 't she just being lazy , keeping all those things up there instead of sending them back here like she 's supposed to . " I couldn 't believe what I was hearing , and frankly , I had had enough . I turned to him and said , as kindly as I could , " I believe it just got stuck up there . After all , as you can see , it is quite busy in here . " He harrumphed and turned around . Oh , bah humbug to you too ! By the time I finally reached the register , I wasn 't feeling very cheery . Yet , that still , small voice inside me whispered to me , urging me to chat with the cashier . " Has it been this busy all week , " I asked , " or did I just pick a bad time ? " She looked up at me with weary eyes . " I don 't know . This is my first day . " Oh , the poor thing ! I thought back over the complaints in my line and wondered how many she had already heard that day . " Well , I want you to know that I think you 're doing a fabulous job . " She smiled and beamed . " Seriously , I would have already run out of the store crying by now . " That did it ! She laughed out loud , and suddenly , the weariness in her eyes was gone . I wished her a good day and a merry Christmas and left the store feeling that I had done my part to spread a little good cheer despite the Ebenezer Scrooges around me . Today 's post is a bit of a rant , request and warning all in one . Please don 't be too quick to judge someone . I can 't help but wonder if either of those men would have made the remarks they did if they had known that today was the poor girl 's first day . Perhaps , they would have , but I doubt it . Let 's give a little grace , show a little mercy and watch our attitudes . After all , bad attitudes are just as contagious as the flu and far more serious . This is the season of love , so let 's pass the love along instead of jumping up and down on our high horse . So king Solomon was king over all Israel . And these were the princes which he had ; Azariah the son of Zadok the priest , Elihoreph and Ahiah , the sons of Shisha , scribes ; Jehoshaphat the son of Ahilud , the recorder . And Benaiah the son of Jehoiada was over the host : and Zadok and Abiathar were the priests : And Azariah the son of Nathan was over the officers : and Zabud the son of Nathan was principal officer , and the king 's friend : And Ahishar was over the household : and Adoniram the son of Abda was over the tribute . And Solomon had twelve officers over all Israel , which provided victuals for the king and his household : each man his month in a year made provision . - I Kings 4 : 1 - 7 The fourth chapter of I Kings goes on for many more verses to tell us about the officers of Solomon . Obviously , the king had many people under his command . A position of such great power required many princes , officers , commanders , and servants . As we read through the chapter , we see many names ( most unpronounceable , which is something coming from someone with the last name " Rongione " ) , and we also see many titles such as priest , recorder , principal officer , tribute officer , and so on . But my favorite part of the passage can be found at the end of verse 5 : and Zabud the son of Nathan was principal officer , and the king 's friend . Sure , Solomon had many servants , but how many friends did he have ? Was it possible for such a great man to have true friends ? And if so , how could he know if someone was truly his friend or if they had some ulterior motive ? I 'm sure being the king has many perks , but something tells me it can be very lonely at the top . Still , in this list of name after name after name , God takes the time to point out that Zabud was not only the principal officer but that he was also a friend of the king . How awesome is that ? First off , that Zabud was a true friend , and second , that God would make sure to note that fact in His Word which is forever settled . Sure , his service to the king was noteworthy as was all the others ' mentioned here , but the thing that sets him apart from all the rest is that he was a friend of the king . What about us ? Are we set apart , in the same way , today ? Are we friends of the king , or have we settled for the position of a servant ? It is true we are servants of the Lord , and God does desire for each of us to have a servant 's heart , but is that all God wants from us ? Are we not also His children , the sheep of His pasture ? Shouldn 't we desire to be friends of God ? Moses was granted such a title , and I pray that when God writes my story , He 'll be able to say , " and Dana , the daughter of Lewis and Sharon , was a writer of Christian works , and the King 's friend . " I can think of no greater honor ! The man to whom I 'm going to introduce you was not a scrooge . He was a kind decent , mostly good man , generous to his family , upright in his dealings with other men . But he just didn 't believe all that incarnation stuff which the churches proclaim at Christmas time . It just didn 't make sense , and he was too honest to pretend otherwise . He just couldn 't swallow the Jesus story , about God coming to Earth as a man . " I 'm truly sorry to distress you , " he told his wife , " but I 'm not going with you to church this Christmas Eve . " He said he 'd feel like a hypocrite and that he 'd much rather just stay at home , but that he would wait up for them . And so he stayed and they went to the midnight service . Shortly after the family drove away in the car , snow began to fall . He went to the window to watch the flurries getting heavier and heavier and then went back to his fireside chair and began to read his newspaper . Minutes later he was startled by a thudding sound . . . Then another , and then another . Sort of a thump or a thud . . . At first , he thought someone must be throwing snowballs against his living room window . But when he went to the front door to investigate he found a flock of birds huddled miserably in the snow . They 'd been caught in the storm and , in a desperate search for shelter , had tried to fly through his large landscape window . Well , he couldn 't let the poor creatures lie there and freeze , so he remembered the barn where his children stabled their pony . That would provide a warm shelter if he could direct the birds to it . Quickly he put on a coat , galoshes , tramped through the deepening snow to the barn . He opened the doors wide and turned on a light , but the birds did not come in . He figured food would entice them in . So he hurried back to the house , fetched bread crumbs , sprinkled them on the snow , making a trail to the yellow - lighted wide open doorway of the stable . But to his dismay , the birds ignored the bread crumbs and continued to flap around helplessly in the snow . He tried catching them . . . He tried shooing them into the barn by walking around them waving his arms . . . Instead , they scattered in every direction , except into the warm , lighted barn . And then , he realized that they were afraid of him . To them , he reasoned , I am a strange and terrifying creature . If only I could think of some way to let them know that they can trust me . . . That I am not trying to hurt them , but to help them . But how ? Because any move he made tended to frighten them , confuse them . They just would not follow . They would not be led or shooed because they feared him . " If only I could be a bird , " he thought to himself , " and mingle with them and speak their language . Then I could tell them not to be afraid . Then I could show them the way to safe , warm . . . to the safe warm barn . But I would have to be one of them so they could see , and hear and understand . " At that moment , the church bells began to ring . The sound reached his ears above the sounds of the wind . And he stood there listening to the bells pealing the glad tidings of Christmas . And he sank to his knees in the snow . As I read through this familiar passage this morning , the Lord gave me a new insight on the phrase " forgetting those things which are behind . " In the past , I 've assigned that phrase to past sin , guilt , mistakes and such . But this morning , I heard the Lord whisper , " What about past struggles ? What about past valleys ? What about the difficult yesterdays ? " For me , that 's another story . I don 't know about you , but my bad days tend to be more like bad weeks , months or even years . The valleys in my life are not typically one - day hikes ; they are lengthy journeys . But could it be that I see life that way because I 'm carrying yesterday 's heartaches into today ? Instead of beginning the day with new strength and a fresh perspective , I wake to the weariness of yesterday still weighing heavy on my shoulders . Is it any wonder then that the rest of the day is a struggle ? My friend , it 's time for us to leave the past in the past , whether that means mistakes or trials . Forget about the weary yesterdays . Strike from your memory the pain of last week 's heartbreak . Begin each day with a clean slate and a new perspective : This is the day which the Lord hath made ; we will rejoice and be glad in it . ( Psalm 118 : 24 ) And Joseph came in unto them in the morning , and looked upon them , and , behold , they were sad . And he asked Pharaoh 's officers that were with him in the ward of his lord 's house , saying , Wherefore look ye so sadly to day ? - Genesis 40 : 6 - 7 In the above passage , Joseph was speaking to the butler and baker who had both been imprisoned with him . Each of the men had dreamed troubling dreams , and when Joseph saw them the next morning , he couldn 't help but ask , " Why are you so sad ? " My response to Joseph probably would have been , " Why aren 't you ? " I mean , seriously , think about it . Joseph was a prisoner . Verse three of the same chapter tells us that he was bound . He had been falsely accused . His future was uncertain . It sounds to me like he had plenty of reasons to host a first - class pity party . Yet , there 's no record that Joseph was sad . Instead , we see him reaching out to others and putting their needs before his own . Did you catch that ? He served them . He , a prisoner , served the butler and the baker ( other prisoners ) . He didn 't have to . He could have minded his own business . He could have done like we often do and grown self - centered and self - focused in the midst of his trial . But no , Joseph displayed the right attitude by choosing service over sadness . Life is full of trouble , and those troubles are bound to find each of us from time to time . But when they come , how will we react ? Will we sink into solitude and despair , or will we , like Joseph , take the opportunity to reach out and help others in need ? It 's something worth thinking about today . . . and every day , for that matter . We don 't get into too many of the reality television shows , but lately , Jason and I have thoroughly enjoyed a show on Netflix entitled Worst Cooks in America . I thought I was a pretty bad cook , but after watching some of these contestants , I feel much better about my abilities in the kitchen . My favorite occurrence would have to be the episode where one of the guys attempted to make grilled cheese . ( Picture , if you will , as he tosses two slices of cheese on the grill and the resulting mess . I was rolling in the floor ! ) One of my favorite contestants was a cute , bubbly blonde who had a unique approach to cooking . On several different occasions , her coach watched in horror as she combined flavors and ingredients that had nothing in common , such as seasoning her hamburger with cinnamon ( wrong on so many levels to me ! ) Yet , when it came tasting time , he had to admit that the results were excellent . By the third or fourth episode , he was calling her " the mad scientist . " In the end , her risk - taking and " think - outside - the - box " mentality brought her victory , and she won $ 25 , 000 . I 'm not opposed to thinking outside the box ; however , I 'll be the first to admit that I 'm not exactly a risk taker . No , I prefer to keep things safe and predictable . Perhaps , that 's why I grow so anxious when God begins combining flavors and ingredients in my life that seem to have nothing in common and that I feel cannot possibly result in anything remotely pleasing . Like the cooking coach , I watch in horror as God sprinkles in a little chaos here and a few money troubles here . I cringe as He adds a spoonful of health issues and a dab of heartache . The more He " cooks , " the more certain I become that the end result cannot be tasty . Yet , history has shown me over and over again that somehow , just like the bubbly blonde , He pulls it off , and Romans 8 : 28 becomes a reality in my life once again . The book of Ecclesiastes tells us " To every thing there is a season . " I think I would be safe in saying , " To every thing there is a seasoning . " And when it comes to cooking up the perfect plan for our lives , God is the Master Chef . Trust in His finished product even when the combination of ingredients seems a little iffy . I don 't like mirrors . Why ? Because they reveal the truth . They remind me that I 'm having a bad hair day . They inform me of my wrinkles , gray hair , and blemishes . They condemn me for the extra pounds gathering around my midsection . Mirrors . We need them , but that doesn 't mean we have to like them . What good would it do me , however , if I woke up in the morning , took a look in the mirror , and then walked out the door ? Why bother looking if I 'm not going to do anything about what I see ? Why check my hair if I 'm not going to brush it ? Why inspect my face if I 'm not going to apply some makeup ? What 's the point of having a mirror if we allow it to show us the flaws and then do nothing to fix them ? James is asking the same question . He is telling us that God 's Word is like a mirror . Just like we do with a physical mirror , we should stand before God 's Word each and every day . We should study it , inspect it , examine the flaws that it reveals . But , James reminds us that that is not enough . We must go beyond knowing what needs to be fixed . We need to step into action and actually work on fixing the problems . Don 't just hear , do . Don 't just know , do . Don 't just study , do . Otherwise , we 'll be just like the man who looks in the mirror and then walks off forgetting what he saw to begin with . I don 't know about you , but I do not want the image that greets me in the mirror each morning to be the image that others see . I want to improve . The same goes for my spiritual reflection , for God 's Word shows me not only what I am , but what I can be . Unfortunately , Jason didn 't have any work scheduled for Wednesday , which is a bad thing since he 's paid by the hour . Nevertheless , we decided to make the best of a bad situation . We used the free movie tickets that Jason had received through the Blood Connection and went to see The Peanuts Movie ( yep , my idea ! ) . It was a really cute movie , and believe it or not , I came away from it with several valuable lessons . In the movie , a new kid moves to town , and that new kid just happens to be " the cute , little redhead . " ( I love it already ! ) Anyway , Charlie Brown falls madly in love with this new cutie , but he 's afraid to even speak to her because he 's convinced that everyone else hates him because he 's such a clutz . Still , Charlie Brown clings to one thread of hope : the new girl has never met him and never witnessed some of his " finer moments . " He hopes to win her over with his newfound confidence and charm , but in the spirit of Peanuts , things go horribly wrong . Attempt after attempt , Charlie Brown tries to impress the cute , little redhead , but all of his efforts seem to be an epic fail . His talent show routine is ruined because he gives up his turn to help his sister , Sally , who is on the verge of tears after her own routine goes terribly wrong . The book report that he spent all weekend working on is reduced to ribbons when the Red Baron airplane flies through it . After finally catching a break and receiving grand recognition for his perfect score on the standardized testing at school , he realizes that there had been a grave mistake , and the test was not his . After admitting the error in front of the entire school ( including the cute , little redhead ) , he slumps over and shuffles out of the school house . But lo , and behold , at the end of the movie when it comes time for the students to choose summer pen pals , the cute , little redhead chooses Charlie Brown . Delighted yet confused , Charlie Brown finally gathers enough courage to ask her why she chose such a loser to be her pen pal . She calmly told him that when she looked at him , she didn 't see a failure . She saw a compassionate soul who sacrificed something in order to help another . She saw someone who was brave enough to step out of his comfort zone and enter the class dance contest . She saw someone who was honest enough to admit that he hadn 't rightfully scored the perfect score on the testing . In short , she saw a good person . Suddenly , all of the other children realize what they had been missing . For so long they had been focusing on Charlie Brown 's many mistakes that they had failed to realize what a good person he is . Aren 't we guilty of doing the same ? How often have we judged people by their actions or inactions ? How many times have we thought less of someone because of their inadequacies or failures ? All the while , we may be missing out on the true nature of the person we 're judging . We all have bad days , and honestly , I know I 've had days where I could say right along with Charlie Brown , " It seems as if the whole world is conspiring against me . " But bad days don 't make me a bad person . Sure , I may be ditzy at times . Yes , I have a tendency to be accident - prone . And yes , I 've had my share of " Duh " moments . But if you only focus on those , you 'll miss out on the fact that I am a caring , compassionate , tender - hearted person who longs to serve Christ to the best of my ability . No , I 'm not perfect , but I 'm trying , and I 'm sure there are many others around me who feel the same way . After ten years of writing , I can 't believe I finally get to say this : It 's time for all of us to start acting like the cute , little redhead . Look past the mistakes and shortcomings of others and observe their hearts and motives . After all , isn 't that what God does for us ? More often than not , I think we 'll discover that we 've been sorely misjudging the Charlie Browns in our lives . This morning , our trees are filled with blackbirds . They 're everywhere , and goodness , can they make a lot of noise ! Of course , it 's not unusual to see such a sight on this cool , rainy morning . What is unusual is the fact that I took several minutes this morning to actually observe their behavior , and let me tell you , they made me mad ! I watched in horror for several minutes as the greedy birds tore apart each and every squirrel 's nest in the two large pecan trees . I assume they were looking for food in the form of nuts , berries , seeds and , of course , worms and bugs . Looking for food is one thing , but tearing apart another animal 's home in order to scavenge that food is just wrong in my book ! I mean , these birds were relentless in their demolition , and I have no doubt that , by the end of the day , the squirrel 's nests will be completely gone . Poor squirrels ! Now , don 't get me wrong . I understand that the birds need to eat and that God provides for them . However , I also know that our yard is absolutely crawling with bugs and worms of every sort , and there is also a variety of seeds and nuts on the ground . There is food aplenty in the yard , but instead , the blackbirds have decided it would be easier or better to take from someone else . Unfortunately , we 're all too familiar with this concept , aren 't we ? Before you start griping about the government or political agendas , allow me to point out that my first thought as I watched the carnage before me this morning was not of the government but rather of Christians , specifically Christians who feel the need to tear others down in order to build themselves up . For whatever reason , they need a boost - - be it spiritual , emotional or even positional - - so instead of doing the hard work required to gain that boost , they take the easy route . After all , if Person A looks bad , surely Person B will look better . Sad to say , our churches are full of such rivalries . Instead of spending our time reaching out to the lost or trying to encourage the saints , we 're too busy trying to " one up " each other . Just like the stingy blackbirds , we steal from others what is rightfully theirs in order to fulfill our own goals , giving little or no thought to those we are hurting in the process . There is nothing wrong with having goals , dreams and legitimate needs , but there is everything wrong in the " blackbird approach . " God has a way for us to gain the things He desires for us to have , and that way does not involve tearing down our brothers and sisters . On the contrary , we ought to be looking for ways to help one another instead of spending so much time and energy helping ourselves . God has ways of rewarding those that think beyond themselves . I urge you to keep that in mind as you go about your day . But whoso hath this world 's good , and seeth his brother have need , and shutteth up his bowels of compassion from him , how dwelleth the love of God in him ? My little children , let us not love in word , neither in tongue ; but in deed and in truth . - I John 3 : 17 - 18 |
is the day before Halloween . There may not be many pumpkins left , but there is no one else around . The rides are still $ 2 . 00 each . . . . . . but you can go on them more than once . Racing down the hill together . She didn 't care one bit that she was the only person on this ride . Garrett and Samantha braved the haunted house and then called for their Dad the whole time while they were inside . He finally went in and rescued them , meaning , he went first and they followed behind . The liked this much better . Paige didn 't want to go home , there were no lines , why should she go home ( please excuse the messy hair and dirty clothes , we went right from picking her up at school ) ? The poor child had been asking every day in the month of October to go to the pumpkin patch . We barely made it , but we got it done , and it was so nice to be all alone . Can 't wait for tonight . We are doing trunk n ' treat at church . We 're off to carve pumpkins now , and maybe bake some pumpkin seeds . Be back with more pictures tomorrow . Labels : holidays The weather has been in the mid 90 's for the past two weeks . Every night when I go to put the kids in bed the thermostat upstairs say it is 90 something upstairs . I turn on the air conditioning to cool it down . Then I get mad . Why are we having to pay for AIR CONDITIONING at the end of October ? Please , Fall , show your face . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * I had Paige 's conference with her teacher yesterday . She is doing really well in school . She knows all her letters , colors , shapes , can count to 30 , understands concepts like big / tall , can write her name and knows the first row of sight words on her list . Overall , great . We do have a problem though . You see , she is bored . The teacher told me that Paige will actually say " borrrringggg " ( add dramatic effect ) to her as she is trying to teach a concept . I was appalled . How rude is that ? Mrs . S said she actually found it amusing and Paige has only verbalized it a couple of times , though , she feels she may be bored a lot of the time . This is the problem ; She is in the special education Kindergarten program due to her verbal language skills . She is way behind in this skill and the general ed class would not be good for her , she could never keep up in this area . However , in all other area 's she is either right on target for her age group or very close . I want to give credit to the power of prayer for this one . I have cried out to God in worry over this child but have seen his hand in this remarkable change . To think a year ago she barely said more than a two word sentence ( if we were lucky ) wasn 't potty trained , and acted more like a two year old than a four year old , you may remember the day when the neurologist told us he felt she was autistic ( what a load of hogwash ) , the transformation truly is miraculous . Thank you God . Mrs . S explained to me something I already knew . The other 11 children in her class are way behind her in most of these area of learning . They have some more severe problems . On the plus side she is in a smallposted at 3 : 30 AM 5 comments I told you that Dave took Zach and Garrett with him to Arizona this past weekend . Zach had a baseball tournament that started Friday morning . Tyler didn 't want to go this time so he stayed home with Samantha , Paige and I . I had big plans . I wanted to get some school work organized for the kids . Because I decided to homeschool a few weeks before the school year started I never had any time to plan and organize before we started . I have been flying by the seat of my pants , which has worked out OK , I much prefer to be a little more on top of things . Well , Friday night I got sick . I mean REALLY sick . Sick to the point I thought I might be having gallbladder or appendix problems . I called one of my girlfriends to see what she thought might be going on and for moral support since I was the only adult around . By Sunday night I was feeling a little better and figured I had just had a bad case of the stomach flu . I also think my stomach was really over reacting because I took two different kinds of medicine for my symptoms , I hardly ever even take an aspirin , and it was to much for my system . I 'm still not 100 % but feeling much better . My nose is still stuffy and my ears are all clogged up . I feel like my balance is really off still due to the ear issues . Overall though , much better . However , my plans of getting organized for school were gone . Oh well . Monday we did a little school and the kids helped me dig out of the mess made over the weekend while I was down and out . On Tuesday we really needed to do lots of school to catch up , however , we had joined this new mother 's book club and the first meeting was that day . It was at the house of the very experienced home schooler who runs our group . I really wanted to go . The kids really wanted to go . We went . The mom 's are all reading Season 's of a Mother 's Heart by Sally Clarkson . I had already read Sally 's other book Educating The Whole Hearted Child and really enjoyed it . I recommend this book to any new ( or old ) homeschooling mom . It really encouraged me and brought me to a wholposted at 8 : 10 AM 0 comments Yesterday , I was busy getting ready to send hubby and oldest and youngest son off for a three day weekend . More on that in a later post . Anyway , my allergies have been acting up big time with the Santa Ana winds we have here in California . My head was feeling like it was going to explode from the sinus pressure . The house was a wreck and the kitchen looked like a bomb had gone off in it . After I got the boys out the door Samantha reminds me she needs shoes for her costume she is wearing tonight to a youth group costume party . She also needs a slip and Paige needed some shoes also . So , even though all I really wanted to do was crawl into bed we left on what turned into a three hour shopping trip , because you know , it takes a long time to find the perfect pair of shoes . We arrive back home and I am dreading walking in the front door knowing what is awaiting me on the other side . However , upon entering I smell the sweet scent of some sort of cleaner . I walk to the back of the house and find that my kitchen is clean . The counters have been wiped down and the dishwasher loaded . Tyler had cleaned the kitchen while we were gone . Now , if you knew Tyler , you would understand why this just melted my heart . He hates cleaning the kitchen . A pea left on a plate will send him into the dry heaves . This kid has the weakest stomach I have ever seen . He is a great bathroom cleaner , vacuumer , duster , trash taker outer , etc . . But the kitchen , he begs to not have to do that . He has also been known to pay a sibling to do his kitchen duty . Since I know he hates it so much I usually don 't assign him that task unless I am desperate . The funny thing is I almost asked him to clean the kitchen before I left but honestly did not have the energy to deal with the arguing that I knew would ensue with such a request . To say I was shocked to find the kitchen clean would be the greatest understatement of the decade . I immediately ran to him and thanked him with a big hug and kiss . To which he replied " Mom , its no big deal , I knew you weren 't feeling well soposted at 11 : 27 AM 7 comments Won 't someone please help me ? This little girl thinks she is my mommy and insists I stay in this baby bed all day long with blankets wrapped over me . Help ! ! YooHoo , won 't you please break me out of here ? This is my evil captor . . . . . I hear she can be nice at times . Her mommy wouldn 't let her bring these things home from the fair . I guess they were to big for this bed . I really wish she had let her bring them home , it would have made my life so much easier . Sydney never has to be the baby . That really isn 't fair ! I like to play with Mr . Fluffy Bottom much better than with Paige . Although , for some reason , he never seems as excited to see me as I am to see him . Go figure . We went on our first official field trip with our homeschool group last week . We went to Riley Farms to learn about how things were done back in the " olden days " . We learned to write with a Quill . Working hard on getting it right . Wow , this is harder than it looks ! Samantha made a new friend and they had fun sitting together during all of the classes . The teacher and his students . We learned how to make butter and we are all very thankful for the little cubes we pick up at the corner market . That is a lot of work ! We also made candles and fresh apple cider . The bees were buzzing all over the machine you use to squish the apples to make the cider . I thought for sure my bee phobic kids would never go near that thing , however , they proved me wrong . Samantha was even the helper ( with her new friend ) who go to put all the apples into the machine . One of the highlights of the day was the yummy carmel apple we were all given . Oh my goodness that thing was heavenly . The kids bought there Dad a 5 pound apple pie ( it is his favorite ) and it was so good I think he only got one piece . I 'm going to have to go back sometime in the next few weeks to buy another one . It was nice for the kids to make some more new friends . The kids and I were a little nervous about going because we didn 't know anyone . I think the hardest part of this new journey of homeschooling has been all the " new " and " unknown " things . Now that we have met some people in our local group through the park days and this field trip I think we are all feeling much more comfortable . We have found everyone to be so nice and welcoming , this has really helped the kids settle in and not feel as anxious about all the changes they have been experiencing . Just another example of God 's provisions for our lives . He told me not to fret , that he had it all under control . Now I just wish he would send an Angel over this evening to take care of all those dishes in my sink . Well , maybe , I just better go do them myself , and be thankful I don 't live during the pioneer days . I 'm going tposted at 10 : 13 PM 5 comments Today I have no errands to run , nothing that needs my attention outside of our home . I am staying in my pj 's all day and puttering around the house . This is my most favorite thing to do . I have so many little projects that I just can 't seem to get to , and today I am determined to finish some of them . I had a dream last night that we got a call from our adoption agency saying they had two children for us . I woke up in a panic . My house is sooo not ready for little ones . We seriously have to baby proof again . Today we were doing our science lessons and learning about air pressure and why birds can fly . We did a really fun experiment and I was explaining why it worked and what it meant . Samantha looks at me and says , " Mom , that was a really fun lesson but it is hard to take you seriously , like you are a REAL teacher when you are standing their in your pajama 's " . Oh well , you just can 't please everyone . I , on the other hand , thought it was a fabulous day all around . Hope yours was good to ! Labels : Adoption , Home Schooling , Mom Stuff I became a mother for the first time . I will never forget the overwhelming love I felt for this long prayed for child . We had just celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary a few months before . I never dreamed when we got married that it would take six years to have our first child . I was ready to be a mom the next day . However , that did not happen . Looking back I can see God 's hand in this timing just as I can see his Hand in so many other circumstances in our lives together . If our first child had been born any sooner I would have had to work and been unable to be the stay at home mom I longed to be . I would have HATED THAT . God 's plans are always so much better than mine . In many ways , from the outside looking in , it looked like the worst possible moment for us to be starting our family . Dave 's job in Boulder , Colorado was ending in a month ( he had a 3 year apprenticeship at the University ) , I had been laid off from my job at the hospital , we needed to sell our house but the economic climate on that day was much like today 's , depressed and people were weary . Our house had been on the market for 3 months without a bite . My husband had a PH . D in physics and had recently decided the world of academics was not for him . He was looking for a job in aerospace but there were hiring freezes on all over the place . He had many people wanting to hire him , but there hands were tied until the hiring freezes were lifted . Things looked bleak . New baby , no job , no money , can 't sell our house . What could we do ? As I entered my last month of pregnancy I should have been full of anxiety about the future . However , this time of my life is very precious to me because isn 't it through adversity that our relationship with God seems to grow the most ? Yes , I was anxious and a little scared , but I really felt God holding me through this experience and reassuring me that everything would work out . Others commented on our strength during this time and how we seemed so calm about the future even with such uncertainty swirling around us . It was a verposted at 7 : 38 AM 6 comments Twenty Days . 20 Days . That is how long we lasted . The stomach flu moved through our house this week and I had a few " female " issues and didn 't get to the market . Last night I waved the white flag and sent Zach down the street to buy some burgers . The kids were thrilled . We saved over $ 300 . 00 not eating out for 20 days . We are not planning on going back to our old ways . The kids said they thought we should go for another 20 and I agreed . Now if this darn stomach bug would leave my system I might actually feel like cooking . Labels : Mom Stuff We have been studying about U . S . government and the election process for the last two weeks trying to gear up for the upcoming elections . Today we discussed the two party system and how that worked . We read a little about the process of getting elected president and how the way candidates campaign has changed over the years . For fun I had them write a one paragraph speech about what they would change if they were elected president of our home . Let me tell you , they were ALL OVER that assignment . I am going to share Samantha 's speech with you but before I do I need to explain one thing . Tyler ( 15 ) has had wrestling try outs every day this week at 6 : 00 a . m before school . That means he is getting up at 5 : 00 a . m . to be treated like a dog and forced to run and exercise until he feels like he may die . Zachary ( 16 ) is having the same thing happen after school as they are doing conditioning for baseball right now . Needless to say they are both tired , grumpy , sore , and hungry when they get home . Not the best combination for one teenager . When you have two of them , you can imagine that my afternoons have been a little challenging . With that explanation , here is what Samantha wrote ; If I were to be elected President of this home I would change many things . Myfirst action would be to secure the premises . I would deport the localterrorists , Tyler and Zachary , under the charges of physical and verbal abuse . My next action would be to finish the remodeling of mine and my parents " offices " . Next , I would make a new list of laws and change Jo Jo into ournations mascot . After that I would improve every citizens wardrobe . When allthat was done I wouldput new grass in the back yard with a dirt area for JoJo and Sydney to go " Potty " . I would also invest in new furniture for our livingroom and a new flat screen TV for the new and improved family room for all thecitizens to enjoy . These are only a few of the things I would do . Garrett 's essay was similar , however , he only sent them both off to the Army . Not to exile forever . Anyone want to comeposted at 1 : 42 PM 1 comments This afternoon I got on the computer and found a wonderful email from our social worker Erin saying that our Dossier had come back form Washington D . C . and that we were now officially a waiting family . I had to read through it twice to make sure I had read it correctly . You see , we have been the family that nothing has ever gone through correctly for on the first try . Could this possibly be correct ? They didn 't need some other identifiable bit of paperwork from us ? I almost felt let down . NOT ! ! ! ! I 'm so excited to be officially expecting again ! I 'm off to have a big bowl of ice cream with lots of chocolate syrup and whip cream to celebrate ! ! ! That is how much out little dog Jo Jo now weighs . I had to take her to the vet on Friday for some shots and he was thrilled to see that she actually had a little belly . The last time she was at the doctor she was only 9 oz 's . Not even a pound . She is five months old now and still not potty trained . Did any of you ever have a newborn baby come home from the hospital with his / her daytime and nighttime turned around ? That is what I feel like with this dog . Except it is her pooping schedule that is backward . She will go to the bathroom five or six times at night and not go at all during the daylight hours . We take her outside all day long and she does pee out there but seems to save the poop part for night time . We leave her gated in our family room at night and put papers down for her to go on . She will go to the bathroom the first or second time on the papers but then she feels like they are dirty and she goes and finds another spot . Like the bricks on the fireplace or in the corner all over my nice white crown molding . Part of me knows this is a problem we have created . When she was sick for those first few months I was more concerned with keeping her alive and less with making sure she learned where to go to the potty . We can 't leave her outside unattended because a hawk or coyote will grab her . I already told you about listening to the cat next door getting eaten by a coyote . I have no desire to repeat that experience . So , all you dog experts out there . What advice do you have for this failure of a pet owner ? Did any of you have this problem with one of your animals ? We all love this little dog to pieces , if she would just get her # @ * # together she would be the perfect little addition to our family . Labels : Pets Today is the 16th day of our no eating out experiment . I really can 't believe we have actually made it more than two whole weeks ! Wohooo for us ! ! Yesterday afternoon I was running errands with Garrett and Samantha when I get a call from Zach asking if he can have friends over to watch the Red Sox game . The game started at 5 : 30 so I knew that meant I would be feeding all these hungry high schooler 's dinner . I had to run into Sam 's club to buy a few things that I only purchase there because they are so much cheaper ( ketchup , Bisquick , eggs and Prego Pasta Sauce ) and my mind went into over drive as to what I could feed the family and our guests for dinner without spending a fortune . So , in the closest I have come to breaking our no eating out rule this month I purchased a couple of there jumbo sized pizza 's . At $ 7 . 99 a piece you really can 't beat that , there are 10 piece 's in each pizza . I had a bunch of hot dogs at home so we also had chili dogs . Chili dogs and pizza , a teenager 's dream dinner . I became super mom when I made brownies ( did you know Walmart has Betty Crocker brownie mix for . 99 each ? ) and we had hot fudge brownie sundaes for dessert . At this point they all though that " I totally rocked " ( this is a direct quote from one said teenager ) . It was a really fun night and I was so happy that I was able to feed everyone without breaking the bank . I 'm really enjoying this little experiment and I 'm thinking we may never go back to our old ways . I may be investing in a case of paper plates though . I am getting REALLY TIRED of doing all those dishes . Everyday I have to leave my house at around 2 : 00 p . m . to pick up Paige at school . Her school does not get out until 2 : 45 but I have to get there early to get a parking spot so I can walk up to get her . There is a very small parking lot and if you don 't get there early you will have to wait 30 minutes in line to pick up your child . Paige 's teacher brings the children out about 10 minutes early so we won 't have to deal with the mad rush of kids streaming out of all the classrooms over our kindergartner 's . Every day when I have to do this I wish I was homeschooling her with the other kids . However , right now I really feel like the best place for her is this little classroom a few hours a day where she gets speech and occupational therapy . Anyway , I try to use this time wisely while I am waiting . Sometimes I do my devotion for the day other times I plan curriculum for the kids at home . I was feeling all proud of myself for being so productive during this time . Until today . When the woman next to me did something totally amazing , something I would have never thought of . She pulled up next to me and parked . I noticed that she immediately began folding laundry from a basket on her passenger seat . When she was done she went to the truck of her Suburban and grabbed out another basket of laundry . I watched her fold FIVE loads of laundry . I was thinking about all the clean loads of laundry I had at home that still needed to be folded . My curiosity got the better of me so I rolled down my window and asked her about her system . She was very nice and told me that twice a week she brings all the clean laundry with her in her trunk and folds it while she waits for the kids to get out of school . She has four children and folds each child 's items into there own basket . When they get home the kids unload there basket from the car and carry it to there room . Wow , now I call that a very organized super efficient mom . Labels : Mom Stuff I have been tracking our finances more thoroughly lately and was appalled to realize how much money we spent eating out each month . With air fares going through the roof ( they have close to doubled for a flight to Ethiopia ) we need to be socking away as much money as possible right now . Add to that the fact that the holidays are coming , and I was sent into a little panic a few weeks ago about the state of our financial affairs . I will be honest here . This adoption is completely a faith based operation . We had part of the money in our bank account when we started the process and now we are pretty tapped out . We have spent about $ 9 , 000 . 00 so far and we have at least that much still to go . When we receive our referral we will have to pay $ 5 , 600 . 00 for the fees associated with that and then travel to pick up our kiddo . Obviously we will need to fly and pay for lodging and food . So , that basically leaves us broke . I am comforted in knowing that we will get a lot of that money back when we file our taxes as the government gives adoptive families a $ 10 , 600 tax credit . Many employers also offer benefits for adoption . We are blessed that hubby 's work will give us $ 4 , 000 . 00 per child after the adoption is complete . So , I guess this is one of the biggest quandary 's of adoptive parents . How to pay for your adoption ? As you can see a large part of costs are reimbursed to the families , however , you have to pay for them out of pocket first . After I kept a little better track of our money for a few weeks I decided that the amount of money we spent going out to eat was RIDICULOUS . Part of the reason for this is sports . When we get busy running the kids around from this game to that one there is no time to stay home and cook so we eat out . We just don 't go through the drive thru . Oh no , we go to a sit down meal . This had to stop . So , hubby and I discussed it and we decided to try and not eat out AT ALL for 30 days and see how much money we could save . We started this little experiment a week ago Friday which was September 26th . We haveposted at 7 : 42 PM 11 comments Our Dossier is finally complete . Our agency received the paperwork back from the Secretary of State late last week and that officially ended our paper chase for this adoption . Can I hear an Amen ! ! ! If I had to look at those papers one more day I was going to scream ! Have I mentioned before how much I hate to do paperwork ? Oh yeah , I forget , like a million times . Sorry . So , the process we started 13 months ago and thought would take a maximum of six months took a bit longer . I have to believe there was a reason for that . That the child ( ren ) who are to be a part of our family weren 't ready for us yet . God is teaching me patience , greater Faith , and a willingness to trust in him completely through this process . What a Blessing ! Now the waiting begins . I have been praying for a referral by Christmas but the official wait time with our agency right now is 6 - 10 months for an infant . We are requesting a little girl 0 - 4years or girl / boy siblings 0 - 4 years . I have no idea if that means we will get a referral before someone asking for an infant only . Only time will tell . So , thanks for going on this crazy wonderful journey with us . When you hear that loud screaming coming through your front windows you will know we received our referral . I am sure the scream of excitement I let out will be heard from California to Florida . James 1 : 27Religion that God our Father accepts as pure andfaultless is this : to look after orphans and widows in their distress and tokeep oneself from being polluted by the world . Labels : Adoption Today we went to our first homeschool activity where the kids could meet other children who are homeschooled . It was a park day and I was a little nervous about going because we didn 't know anyone . I was sure that Garrett ( 10 ) would make friends easily and he would have a great time . However , I was a little concerned that there wouldn 't be anyone there for Samantha ( 12 ) to hang out with . Samantha was really anxious to connect with some other girls her age , and I was worried that there would be mostly younger kids at the park . Though she would be happy to play with the younger kids for a while I knew she was yearning to connect with a friend her own age that was also homeschooled . I took my concerns to our Heavenly Father asking him to provide Samantha with a special friend that could help her through this transition from " regular " school to homeschooling . My heart had been heavy about this for a few weeks and I kept asking God for his guidance in this area . Garrett threw on some old grubby clothes while Samantha and I stood in our closets trying to figure out what to wear . Why were we both so worried about what we wore to a park day ? Who was I trying to impress ? I finally settled on some denim carpi 's and a t - shirt and Samantha threw on a cute short outfit ( it was still hot today but tomorrow it is suppose to cool down , yeahhh ! ) . On our way out the door she grabbed her dog , just in case there was no one at the park for her to talk to . We got to the park and Garrett ran off to go and make some friends . Samantha and I looked at each other like " are you ready for this " ? I really have no idea why we were so nervous . We walked up to the mom 's sitting at the picnic tables and introduced ourselves . We were greeted warmly and I sat down to visit . Samantha took off to walk JoJo as she didn 't see anyone her own age around . As she walked away a mom sitting on the end of the picnic table looked up excitedly and said to Samantha " Wait , don 't leave , my daughter wants to meet you " . Her daughter jumps up and both of there faces lite upposted at 10 : 23 PM 4 comments I have talked before about my families obsession with baseball . My 16 year old son , Zach , is a DIE HARD Red Sox fan . His Dad is a DIE HARD Angel 's fan . If you know anything about baseball you know that right now those two times are battling it out in the five game American League Division Series . The first game was last night and the two sides sat on different coaches and rooted on their team . Garrett , 10 , the Yankee fan ( how could that be ? ) decided it would be a good time to root against his Dad and side with his brother . This was not a good idea . The Dad did not like this . It was a good game but unfortunately our Angels lost to the Evil ( much beloved by my child ) Red Sox . My husband was really annoyed . He wasn 't happy . You getting the picture ? ? ? Well , I nicely told said 10 year old today that if he would like to continue living under this cushy roof he calls home he might want to consider rooting for the home team . Otherwise something bad may befall him while he sleeps . OK , I exaggerate . However , this would make my hubby so happy and maybe not so grumpy if his team loses . They play tomorrow night . Friends are coming over to witness the carnage . I 'm praying for a big Angel victory . I would much rather live with an upset teenager than an upset hubby . Sorry kid , you 're on your own . So , whats a woman to do when all the men in her life are feuding ? Why she eats lots of chocolate . I made this cake today and let me tell you it is some yummy chocolate goodness and really easy to make . Go ahead , click on over , I promise you your mouth will water . Better yet , make one for yourself . I bet you have everything in your cupboard to make it and your family will have big smiles on their faces after the first bite . Go Angels ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Labels : baseball Last week the weather turned cool and it felt so good to snuggle under the blankets in the morning . I was so happy . This is my favorite time of the year and I couldn 't wait for the first day of October today so I could drag out my Autumn boxes and decorate the house for the season . However , my plans were foiled . All week it has been in the 90 's and the weather actually had the nerve to hit a whooping 100 degrees today . Doesn 't exactly make me want to drag out the pumpkins and scarecrows . The kids are enjoying these last few days ( I hope ) of warm days and jumping in the pool to play together . I , however , am dreaming of cuddling under warm blankets with a fire in the evening . Anyone have some cooler weather than can send west to make me happy ? Labels : Mom Stuff I am a spontaneous , out going , daughter of the King , who is married to a wonderful guy who is a quiet , shy , non - spontaneous , scientist who also loves the Lord . Truly a match made in heaven ! We fight and argue , love and laugh , every single day . I am passionate about orphan care and love to tell our story to anyone who will listen . This blog is dedicated to that journey . |
Bwahahahaha ! Yeah , right ! If you 've been reading this blog long , you know " short and sweet " isn 't really my thing . But I 'll try . I don 't have a whole lot of time for this . ( You like how I waste precious moments of my time , explaining how I don 't have much time ? ) Anywhoo … I 've been so busy , and there are so many things to catch up on that I hardly knew / know where to begin , and with limited time for writing , I 've been unsure of what to say to convey my current circumstances with brevity . Things are pretty stressful right now and I 've needed to spend just about every available computer time minute looking for and applying to jobs . I 'm still not working full - time , nine months since I was unceremoniously " released " from my previous full - time job . I can 't say that the nine months haven 't been nice , ' cause they have ! I 've loved having so much free time to do whatever I wanted . I 've loved being able to go about my day free from pressure to keep a certain schedule , or satisfy someone else 's demands . I 'm starting to see why self employment might be so attractive to so many people , though , in many ways self - employed people work a lot harder than the rest of the employed population . But the fact is , my money is running out and if something doesn 't come together pretty damn quickly , I 'm going to be forced into some really difficult choices , none of which are pleasant . By the end of August , if I don 't have a new full - time job , I 'm going to have no choice but to move out of my apartment . On September 1 , I will have lived here for seven years . I 'm ready for a change and I do actually want to move , but I want to move someplace of my own choosing , under my own steam and without pressure . If I 'm not gainfully employed by the end of August , I 'll have no choice but to either move in with a friend ( my options are extremely limited ) or move out - of - state and live with a family member . And again , my options are limited and very unattractive . Moving away from my current life is the worst thing that could possibly happen to me right now ( or very nearly - God forbid I should be accused of exaggeration … ) . I have a lot to lose right now , if I have to move away . Next month will mark the fifth anniversary of my match / friendship with L ' il B . He is 12 years old now and things are getting really interesting . We had a conversation earlier this week in which he learned that Big Brothers and Big Sisters only serves kids from 6 to 16 years old . He asked me , " So when I 'm 16 you won 't be my Big Brother any more ? " I said , " I told you a long time ago , I will be your Big Brother for as long as you will let me . But no , we won 't be supported by the program any more . We 'll just be friends . " It was just a little " throwaway " question from him , but it was clear that our relationship means a lot to him and he was bothered by the thought of losing it . This is one of the reasons that I do not want to move away right now . I made a commitment to this kid and I want , no , I NEED to see it through . Yes , moving away because of financial ruin , is a far cry from just dropping him from my life , but it still matters to me . I 've met a really great guy . We 've been dating for about seven weeks now , and while it 's still new and I don 't know what 's happening , or going to happen , we 've been having a really nice time getting to know each other and spending time together . He seems to be really sweet and kind . He 's very intelligent and independent . He has strong morals and isn 't afraid to share and stand by them . Oh , and he 's really attractive . Realistically speaking , it has only been seven weeks . If our relationship were to end now , it would not be devastating . I would survive and move on with my life . BUT , I really like him a lot . He seems to like me as well . I have no sense of dishonesty in him . Whether this relationship will turn to love remains to be seen , and it very well may not . I could write a whole separate , rambling post about what love is , what it means to be in love , and how one knows when they are experiencing love . I might sometime . But for now , it 's enough to acknowledge that we are not in love , we just like each other , and are attracted to each other , and we 're each interested enough to continue to see each other and find out where that takes us . The point , though , is that I 'm interested enough , and like him enough , that I really do not want to have to move away and end this relationship right now . I have been interacting with a representative from a local staffing agency which I have worked with before and I am hopeful that sometime next week I 'll hear from that representative to either send me on some interviews , or set me up with an assignment ( preferably long - term , temp - to - hire , or even direct hire ) to do some customer service work . It 's not exactly in my wheelhouse , and probably won 't pay as well as I 've been hoping , but it is more than nothing , and more than unemployment which is pretty much all I have going on right now . Things will be tight , but at least it would keep me afloat , and at this moment , that 's what 's most important . That 's what the great and powerful " they " always say , right ? Just start writing , the words will come . And the truth is , the great and powerful " they " are not wrong . This strategy has worked for me many times before . It 's just that , there 's a lot of stuff going on and swirling around in my brain , and I haven 't quite figured out how to sort it all out yet . How much of it to share and how much of it to keep to myself . Despite my best efforts I 'm still inclined to worry a bit about what readers of this site will think of what I put here , and yet , I 'm actually quite proud of my last post . Yes , I discussed some " mature themes " and yes I admitted to some activities that , in the past , I would have completely kept to myself , as much out of embarrassment , as anything else , but I think it 's a good thing that I posted that . I spend a lot of time in this sort of " in - between " stage of life where I feel like , I shouldn 't do anything I 'm ashamed of and therefore I don 't do anything I 'm ashamed of … Yet I 'm ashamed of things I really shouldn 't be , and therefore , this philosophy holds me back . I 've come a long way in the last several years of blogging , and even before that . I 've learned a lot about myself , I 've gained a considerable amount of emotional and mental independence ( not to be confused with the physical and financial independence that I 've had since I was 22 ) . But " a considerable amount " can be just a drop in the bucket when you 're coming from a place of such dependence … Or co - dependence . There are still a good many subjects and issues about which I can hear my mother 's voice , or more to the point , her judgmental , disappointed noises . Tsking and groaning and sighing ( oh my ! ) . And it 's not like she even needs to know about my behavior and my activities , but it doesn 't matter if the physical being knows anything because the non - corporial manifestation of her that exists in my subconscious is ever - present and equally judgmental . And , of course , I think I 'm inclined to project that judgement and condemnation onto other people both local and afar . I imagine the gasps and the shaking heads of the people who might read my words , the disappointment that might come from having the image of me , which they have created , sullied by the revelation of the things I don 't dare say . I 'm human . I 'm alive . I 'm male ( stereotype ) . And like everyone else , I have needs , both physical and emotional that need to be fulfilled , one way or another . The truth is , while I 'm over here hiding from that fact , all of you are probably reading this blog and assuming it ; assuming that I take measures to have my needs fulfilled ( trust me , I do ) , you just don 't necessarily want to know what those measures are . Certainly , there is a fine line between open and honest sharing , not leaving out pertinent details , and this turning into a very different kind of blog from what it has ever been before . Prior to the vague implications and poorly shrouded subliminal information in my last post , I believe I have discussed specific sexual activity on my part , exactly one time on this blog . One time in five and a half years . Meanwhile , any regular readers probably haven 't given my sexual endeavors much conscious thought , but have unconsciously assumed that I have not lived as a eunuch . Society , as a whole , tends to frown on free and open discussions of sex , or so I have generally believed . Yet as I write that I realize it happens far more frequently than I am comfortable with , and I have to question why that is . Certainly , it is , in part , due to my lack of experience and a fear that engaging in such conversations will result in any number of uncomfortable situations where I can not contribute as much to the conversation as people might expect me to ; something I generally prefer to avoid . But part of it is because of that non - corporial manifestation of my mother that exists in my subconscious , which is ever - present and tremendously judgmental . It comes from a damaged place within my psyche that is influenced by my mother 's constant over - vilification of sex during my childhood to the point that sex scares me . There . I 've said it . Sex scares me . It doesn 't just make me nervous or uncomfortable because it 's " new " , it scares the ever - loving shit out of me in a way I don 't even know how to combat . Logically , I know it shouldn 't . Intellectually , I know that sex is a perfectly natural , and healthy thing . Through the power of study , meditation and independent thought , I have even arrived at the conclusion that I believe pre - marital sex is not only not wrong , it 's important and healthy . Reasonable , not overly graphic discussions of sex in general , are not something to be afraid of and shy away from , particularly when they lay the groundwork for a further story … I have a date tomorrow night , and I have mixed feelings about it . I think it 's a date . I didn 't really think it was a date when it was discussed , but it seems that it is a date . Everything I have said here that leads up to that revelation does not , in any way , mean I think there 's an expectation or obligation for sex tomorrow . In fact quite to the contrary , I think it 's clearly understood that sex will not be happening . Rather , it 's about how this date came about , and how my shame , prevented me from writing about it before now . In this wonderful , 21st century world in which we live , there is an iPhone app for absolutely everything . Seriously . According to one source in October , 2013 there were approximately 1 , 000 , 000 apps in the Apple App Store and that number just keeps going up . If you can realistically conceive of it , there is probably an app out there for it , already . And society ( and men - stereotype ) being what it is , there is more than one app for on - line dating and people - meeting available that uses the GPS signal in phones to show you the profiles of any number of people within a certain distance of where you happen to be holding your phone and looking at that app 's screen . The first time I ever heard of one of these apps , I downloaded it on my phone , because it was free , and I was curious to see how it worked . I never had any delusions that I would use the app as it was intended . I still don 't . That 's not my style . But because I have discovered that my , once thought to be impeccable , gaydar is , in actually , completely for shit , I thought it might be interesting to see the faces of other gay men in the area , see if there was anyone I recognized and might , therefore , meet organically and get to know , in real life . Of course , I wasn 't about to post my own face , because I would be mortified if anyone knew I had even heard of the app , let alone actually downloaded it and look at it once in a while . I rarely initiated conversations with anyone , and even more rarely did anyone initiate conversations with , or respond to , me . When they did , it was , without exception , overtures toward having anonymous sex . Through all the bullshit that went down with The Guy this summer , one good thing did come out of it . Well - He doesn 't , by any means deserve all of the credit , it was the whole unfortunate experience with that short - lived job . From the day I walked in the door , I was determined not to hide who I was or try to keep secret the details of my existence that have been so hard for me to freely share , verbally , in the past . It was a fresh start in a new place , with a new group of people , and I was determined to start things on the right foot . The Guy figured it out , or believed he did , from the very first day . So , apparently , did my boss , though she couldn 't say so until I revealed it to her . All she said was " I knew you were ' family ' . Well , I was pretty sure , anyway . " I learned to be more open about myself . I learned not to fear people 's reactions . ( To this day , I have not had one person outside of my family react badly to learning that I am gay . ) I learned to tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may , because these people were all new in my life and if they learned the truth up front and they didn 't like it , well , there was no loss . Thanks to The Guy , I started to feel better about myself , physically . Again , he doesn 't get all the credit . Over the last two and a half years , I have lost approximately 70 pounds . The man I see in the mirror today , is definitely not the man I saw back then . That man 's clothes don 't fit me anymore . I still have a long way to go , but I 'll gladly take what I can get . I 've learned to appreciate my body in its current form , to take control over the things I can , and not obsess over the things I can 't . But at least for a little while there , I believed that , not only did someone find me attractive , but someone who I was attracted to , found me attractive . Due to the nature and circumstances of our involvement and the end thereof , I temper any excitement at that fact with a healthy dose of he - was - full - of - shit , but at the very least , I learned what it feels like to appreciate having someone pursue me due to physical attraction . I posted a face picture on the app , and filled in a simple profile telling people what I was about , and what I was and , more importantly , what I was not looking for . I tried to put the hurt and shame of my experience with The Guy behind me and see what came next . Suddenly , out of the blue , people started initiating chats with me . Talking to me . Having real conversations with me . Much of the time , those conversations end with " so when can we hook up ? " . Early this week , I crossed paths with a guy we 'll call " No . 1 " ( not for any reason you 're likely to think of , just go with it ) who was deemed to be a " likely match " by some inexplicable algorithm the site uses to suggest people you might like , based on your reactions to their previous suggestions . No . 1 had a very relatable profile , with a statement about relationships , fidelity , and where he stands on the subject that I happened to like quite a bit . As it happened , he hit the little " like " button on my picture and I hit the little " like " button on his , and the app was kind enough to let us each know that the other " liked " us and suggested we chat . So we did . And he was a nice guy . And he appealed to me . And we exchanged phone numbers and I suggested that we should talk again . I even considered asking him if we could meet for coffee or something sometime , but I decided against it . The next morning , he sent me a text message and asked if I might be free on Saturday after he gets off work at 8 : 00 . I am and said as much , and we set up what I thought of as " meeting and getting to know each other better , face to face . " I know . I know . That 's pretty much what a date is . Only , I didn 't think of it that way . I didn 't think of it as a prelude to anything . I thought of it as meeting a potentially nice person and getting to know him . ( Again , pretty much what a date is . ) My mind is reeling with this . Really , it wouldn 't be such a terrible thing if it is a date . It wouldn 't be such a terrible thing if I enjoyed our date . It 's just … I admit it . I 'm terribly skittish . And it pisses me off . It 's not fair , that this one experience with this one , completely fucked up guy , has done such lasting damage in me . I want to move past it . I want to put it out of my head and forget about The Guy entirely . I sure as shit don 't want to let him affect how I handle dating going forward . I 'm not sure I 'm open to a relationship right now . I 'm not sure I 'm ready to date right now . When I agreed to meet No . 1 and we settled on a time and place , I thought , " Great ! That 's that . I 'll see him on Saturday and we 'll have lots to talk about , " and I 'm sure we will , only , he continued to text and talk to me after we settled the plans . He has texted me every day since then , and I can 't quite explain why that bothers me . It just does . He has made some fairly innocent comments here and there that really have me on edge . I 'm probably reading too much into it , but he has made some comments which elude to the prospect of a relationship with me and I 'm so not in that place . I mean , we haven 't even met yet . Standard | Posted in Gay Stuff . . . Again , Humor . . . Sort Of , Life , Stuff , Writing | Tagged blogging , date , dating , fear , Gay , Gay Dating , Happy Ending , Humor , introspection , iPhone , Massage , Sex , sexuality , Shame , The Guy , Weight Loss , Writing | 2 Comments I 've always liked this song , but I guess I never really paid close enough attention to the lyrics before . It played on my iPhone the other day and I 've been listening to it on a loop off and on since then . I 'm not sure if it makes me feel better or worse , or if it reminds me of what I lost , or that I didn 't lose anything . Maybe I 'm even lucky … . after a fashion … not to have ended up entangled with such an emotional cripple . I really don 't know what to believe . I do not want to believe that he was playing me the entire time . I don 't want to think he could be that cruel . And maybe he wasn 't being cruel . Maybe he really is just that oblivious to how things work in the real world . Maybe I am . I don 't know . I just know that he told me so many conflicting things that I can 't trust anything he says anymore . I just know that he told me enough of the right things to think we were nearly on the same page , and in truth he wasn 't even reading the book . I just know that I went from falling in love , to being incredibly angry and feeling just a bit of hatred toward him . Those two lines are struck through because they don 't ring true . I am broken and I 'm not happy . I really don 't think I 'll ever be happy again . I 'm sorry . Not again . I 've never really been happy . I thought I was getting there for a minute , but as it turns out , I was completely wrong and only deluding myself . But the things I 've learned about myself , and about my disease , and about life , these last few months … I really don 't think I 'll ever be happy . It 's chemically , biologically impossible . For years I have used the idea that it is a bad idea to date within the workplace as an explanation for why I am not involved with anyone . I am sure that sounds like a leap in logic to many , but the fact is , I don 't meet many new people other than at work . If I expected to develop relationships of any kind , be they friendships , professional networking , or romantic , where else am I going to find these people besides at work ? Not dating within the workplace is a viable explanation , indeed many will say it 's a good idea … I think I will count myself among those people . Many people also see not dating within the work place as an excuse for why I don 't have many relationships . I didn 't even think twice about it . He caught my eye on the first day . More importantly , I caught his eye on the first day . He 's sexy ! He 's funny ! He 's very outgoing and personable ! He was very affectionate , at first at least . We talked almost every day . Over the first few weeks we had many , many conversations in which as he continued to reveal things about himself , I continued to check things off my imaginary list of preferred attributes , things I would like to find in a potential mate . We don 't work together , just in close proximity to each other . I 'm in Facilities and as such , technically , he is my client , but so is every other living , breathing soul in the building . He hardly ever asks for anything from Facilities and when he does , our relationship holds no baring in the service I provide . He was reticent , he said , because of the risk of dating in the work place . I assured him that we were both mature adults and had the capacity to behave maturely and civilly , that there was no law that said that things had to end badly … if they ended at all . He continued to hesitate and eventually , I found out the real reason why . His reasons , I 'm afraid , are not something I can share here . But in all that time , all the things he told me about himself , things he was insecure about , things he thought were negative attributes , things he was sure I would not like about him , in all that time , he told me exactly one thing that I could not live with . But I was hooked and I was convinced that the one thing I could not live with , would change . No that I could fix him , or that I could make him change this one thing , but that the one thing would change , organically , because it would be worthwhile to him … because I would be worthwhile to him . He said he couldn 't do it ; a relationship was not in the cards . He acted like a relationship was all he wanted . And being a sucker , I paid attention to his actions and not his words … Actually , I paid attention to the actions I liked and explained away the ones I didn 't . " He 's struggling with the idea . " " It 's just his background . " " He 'll work it out . I did ! " " I just have to be patient . " In many ways , we have very similar backgrounds and I really do understand a lot of what he is going through . And then there 's the ways in which our backgrounds are completely different and I have no way of understanding what he 's going through , and the more I look at it the more I realize , he is not trying to get through anything , he is just coasting along on auto pilot . But I didn 't want to see those things . I didn 't want to admit that I was the one with the problem . I convinced myself that I was not allowing the mitigating factors to impact my behavior … And I 'm still pretty sure of that . But I have to consider the possibility . You see , I have always known that I was going to be alone . For the rest of my life , I will be alone . I don 't like it , but I 've come to terms with it . I 'm not the dating kind . And I 'm not someone with whom people make the first move . I never have been . And honestly ? I don 't even want to be . Dating is awful . It sucks and it 's a huge hassle , and it 's full of pitfalls and heart ache and I don 't want to have anything to do with it . I do want to be in love and I do want to get married ( now that it 's finally legal ) , but I don 't want to go through all the bull shit it takes to get there . Can 't have one with out the other . I know that . No , I 've always known I would be alone and yet , when this guy came along ( it only took 38 years for pity 's sake ! ) , I disregarded that knowledge and dove in head first . I knew it was a fluke . I even knew it was very unlikely to be forever , but I allowed myself to believe that it would last for a while ; that we 'd have some fun together ; that I 'd have my share of experiences with another person that I can 't have on my own … And then eventually he would leave me , because , really ! Knowing all that , I went for it anyway . Things were fine for a while , except I 'm certain I was in a different place than he was . I believed he would come around . I even convinced myself that he was making strides in the " right direction " . And then I pushed a little too hard and it all came crashing down . I should never have allowed this to happen . I should never have allowed myself to take the chance , especially knowing it couldn 't end well . for once in my life I set my historical wisdom aside and allowed myself to hope for something better than I had a prayer of getting ; better than I deserved . And I got burned . It 's funny how things can turn , almost on a dime . I sat in Deb 's office last night , smiling and happy , and telling her about how much things seem to have changed over the last six weeks , since I started my new job . I 'm confident in my work . I 've had an easy time of making friends with the people who work around me . ( A bunch of us are going roller - skating after work in a couple weeks . ) I 'm out to pretty much everyone , and comfortably so . I 've fairly well tolerated the inefficiencies and poor co - ordination of some things that go on there . I 've taken , relatively in stride , the fact that the things I believed to be the reason I was hired , my " expertise " in such things as moving large groups of people and managing all the issues that come with that , had been relatively ignored , due to the timing of my arrival . ( We were hip deep in a 60 - person move when I started . ) I 've met someone with whom I have a lot of chemistry and genuine , mutual attraction . I 've been relatively adept at letting the little things slide off my back . Monday night at dinner with Lil ' B , for reasons that are too random and confusing to explain , we began talking about Vincent van Gough and bipolar disorder . One of the activities in the kids menu he still gets was to draw a picture of a character from the menu after they had just visited the Louvre and he decided he wanted me to draw the picture . I 'm not really sure how Vinnie came into the conversation , but as I was using one of the only two crayons they gave Lil ' B to draw the picture , the yellow one ( I held the red crayon in my other hand ) , I was telling him about my drawing , about the Louvre , and about Vincent van Gough . I drew a living banana , with two twig legs , and a suit coat , with lapels and long sleeves . He had a yellow face , with a protruding nose and he wore a monocle . I told Lil ' B about the emotional troubles that Vicente had and how unappreciated he had been because people couldn 't understand how he was so up one minute and so down the next . We discussed the fact that he likely thought himself a terrible artist ( something I learned form a little educational documentary I watch called Doctor Who ) . The assignment was to draw the character right after they left the museum , so as I was putting the finishing touches on the picture , LIl ' B asked me why I had used only the one crayon . Just as I reached the point of telling Lil ' B how in one of his fits of deep despair , van Gough had cut off his own ear , I switched to the red crayon and our debonair , snappily dressed , monocled banana - man suddenly gained a bloody gash on the side of the head where , once his little banana ear had been . The boy in Lil ' B thought that was pretty cool . The innocent and naive young human being in him , the one who has never been exposed to the kind of emotional turmoil that Vincent van Gough went through said , " so he was crazy . " As I was trying my best to explain to my young friend how , mental illness does not necessarily mean crazy , that there are plenty of people in the world who experienced these types of mental illness but who would not qualify as being " crazy " and that , in fact , I have struggled with depression , even during the time I have known him , but that I was not crazy , it occurred to me for the first time , that I was not depressed . Not just that it was at bay . Not just that it 's lingering in the shadows waiting to destroy me again . For the first time since I could remember , I did not feel like I was struggling against Depression , working to keep it at bay all the while knowing that it was just over there , just beyond the great barrier waiting for my next moment of weakness , to take over . I shared this with Deb last night . But I tempered it by telling her , " I 'm not dumb enough to say that ' I 'm cured ' . I think it 's dangerous to make such claims but right now , things are good . Only … . Nothing particularly special or significant happened , just a whole lot of little things . I told a friend t0night , via text message , " I think I 'm just having a moment . Several things kinda crumbled ( not caved , just crumbled ) in on me this evening and I 'm just trying to deal . A whole lot of little things piled up on me all at once , right around 5 : 00 . Because I 'm now hourly , and didn 't get to work until around 9 : 00 this morning , I planned to stay until six … I was there until 6 : 45 . At 5 : 00 the last two people in the immediate vicinity of my desk ( two of the four - person Communications department - a group of people who communicate very effectively … and frequently … and from great distances … ) left and I was alone to concentrate on whatever I needed to do . It was then , in the deafening silence , filled only with the sound of the air conditioner kicking on and off , and my own addled thoughts rolling around in my skull , that I realized how much I had been struggling . Not that the work is too hard , or that the people around me aren 't awesome , because it 's not and they really are , which thrills me . It 's that with my particular set of circumstances ( I was formally diagnosed with ADD six months ago ) it can sometimes be really difficult for me to focus on what I 'm trying to do . Suddenly the list of things I needed to accomplish before the day was over was daunting . Suddenly , I was overwhelmed by the knowledge that this is not a new predicament . Suddenly , I was distraught , and even a bit angry , with what a mess my very small , very cramped , very not - my - own - private - office - like - I - had - for - 8 - 1 / 2 - years - at - my - last - job desk was . Suddenly , I was upset that I feel like my talents are being wasted , because I spend at least half of most days processing and delivering mail and packages ( something that was not discussed as being part of my duties in my interviews or hiring process ) ; all day every day subject to the random whims of our customers who don 't have any means of requesting things other than approaching my boss and me directly and interrupting whatever we happen to be in the middle of ; and the other half of most days struggling to concentrate on what I 'm doing over the constant bombardment of voices . It 's not that they 're not talking about work , because they generally are . And it 's not that they 're not friendly people , because they definitely are . In fact , it might be easier if they weren 't , because then I wouldn 't want to be part of the conversation and I do . Which makes it I sat at my desk , organizing , as best I could and growing more and more frustrated by the limitations that I have in my ability to do my best work and the list of projects that have been asked of me , that I simply can not get to because I 'm overwhelmed with the little stuff that in the short term is high priority to people as they request it . I spent half an hour , trying to get some semblance of control over the situation . I got rid of some clutter . I sort out and filed my e - mails so only current and relevant things were in my in - box . I made a to do list for Monday , and I cleared my white board and made three columns on it : one for daily responsibilities , one for short - term projects and one for long - term projects . I put completion percentages next to each project and put a sad face next to the 0 % complete for the Emergency Response Team development project that is currently at the very bottom of my list of priorities , even though I would like it to be at the top . Finally , I packed up and walked out for the night , despairing with the knowledge that I must talk to my manager on Monday about finding a way to mitigate some of these issues . I need to ask her for somewhere else for me to sit . A desk that will be quiet enough for me to focus on my work when I 'm able to be at my desk doing it and which will take me away from the noisy , but fun Communications group and " the guy " , because I can 't get any work done when they 're around , and knowing fully that there 's a very good chance that there will be no where for me to move . I drove home thinking about " the guy " . Which , to be fair , is probably overselling it a bit . The truth is there 's been little more than the two of us circling around each other , and around the idea of becoming an us , which I suppose makes him more of " A guy " and not so much " The guy " . I 'm frustrated . I know what I want … . I think . But I can 't figure out what he wants . And every time we talk and I just about have him opened up and ready to be forthcoming he dodges and I 'm left in the dark again . He 's an expert at avoidance and if I didn 't understand it so well , I 'd probably be pretty pissed , but I do , so I 'm not . I 'm just annoyed that we haven 't managed to work through it yet . I was feeling disappointed about his lack of response to a text message I had sent , and about the fact that , while he acknowledges that there is " unfinished business " between us , he has not made any moves to finish the business , and when I do , he just avoids . And I realized I was feeling really lonely and low , and that if I could just hang out with somebody and talk about it I might feel better . I reached out to three different people including The Guy via text , just really needing a bit of interaction , period . None of them responded to me . One still hasn 't . One responded within an hour of my text but didn 't offer much in the way of comforting or consolation . And The Guy finally acknowledged my first text hours after I sent it , but disappeared pretty quickly after . All of which is to say that I 'm absolutely giving them the benefit of the doubt . It is after all Friday night . Most people have social lives on Friday night . Just because I don 't , doesn 't mean people are obligated to respond . I realized that I 've only had one person extend an invitation to me in months , while I 've extended a number of invitations , most of which have been turned down . And now I 'm wondering what 's so wrong with me that people only want to be my work acquaintances but not my friends and , apparently , not my boyfriend . Standard | Posted in Big Brothers and Big Sisters , Drivel , Friends , Gay Stuff . . . Again , Humor , Humor . . . Sort Of , Life , Stuff | Tagged ADD , Attention Deficit Disorder , Big Brothers and Big Sisters , dating , Depression , Doctor Who , Gay Dating , Lil ' B , Relationships , The Guy , Therapy , Work | 2 Comments I had a date last night . Well , anyway , I think I had a date last night . It kind of felt like a date , not that I can be counted on , reliably , to say what a date feels like . I don 't know if he felt like it was a date . Maybe I just met a friend for dinner … I think it was a date … A nice date . There is a gentleman , Gene , that I have been acquainted with through various forms of social media for close to two years , I would say . We became acquainted on Twitter and struck up a friendly banter . He started reading my blog and responding to what he saw directly on twitter and eventually we began e - mailing each other . Gene is a very kind man and he made a great impression on me . About 18 months ago , I had a dream in which he played a prominent ( though relatively innocent role ) and I tweeted about dreaming about my " twitter crush " . This resulted in a series of e - mails between us in which it was clear that we were both interested in knowing the other better . The problem is , we are " geographically undesirable " ( He lives in San Diego , I live in Oakland , approximately 500 miles apart ) and , both of us being practically minded people , a long distance relationship is simply not in the cards . But we made it clear that if ever and whenever we were in each others back yards we should get together for dinner or coffee or something . This week - end his nephew is participating in a debate tournament at UC Berkeley and Gene made a point of being here early enough to spend some time with me before getting wrapped up in his family stuff . When he told me he was coming this way , I was really excited . I wanted to see him . I wanted to spend some time with him and get to know him better . Our relationship has been a little one - sided in that he reads my blog , but he doesn 't write one and he 's very private with the stuff he posts on Twitter and Facebook . I was excited about the prospect of getting his undivided attention and grilling him on all the things I didn 't know about him . But as the weeks passed and the time drew nearer , I became more and more nervous . I wanted to meet him , but what if he wasn 't what I was expecting ? What if I wasn 't what he was expecting ? What if I had misjudged him ? What if he wanted something from me that I wasn 't ready to give ? Was I ready ? Did I want to be ready ? Would we ? Wouldn 't we ? What would I do if it … ahem , came up ? I went back and forth on that and to be honest , I never really arrived at a conclusion . I don 't know what I would have done if I was faced with that decision last night . Fortunately , I wasn 't , and I think it 's for the best . We were both nervous . We decided to meet for a drink before dinner and to be perfectly honest , I was shaking like a leaf ( whatever that means . ) Stupidly , I wondered if I would recognize him when I saw him , but the minute I walked in the door , I knew him . It was comforting to know that he had been as nervous as I was - well , maybe not as nervous , but he was nervous . We had a glass of wine at the bar and talked comfortably for a little while . And then were seated and had dinner . It was a fascinating experience to be able to talk so comfortably and freely with someone you 've never been face to face with , but I realized we really already knew each other . Certainly more than I thought we did . |
Name : Joanne Location : United States Joanne has published more than 2 , 500 articles and was award recipient of the 1990 Woman of the Year for Beaver County , Pennsylvania , for her accomplishments and excellence in journalism and to the community . Her co - authored book , " Unforgettable Journey , " won fifth place in the Grand Beginnings romance contest . An excerpt from her WIP , " Unearthed , " placed her fifth in the Absolute Write Idol contest . Most recently , her essay , " Perseverance , " is published in the Stories of Strength anthology in which 100 % of the profits are donated to disaster relief charities . Today would have been my dad 's 88th birthday . I still miss him terribly . I love you , Dad . Happy Birthday . Labels : Dad , Happy Birthday , jdkiggins An Uncertain Inheritance : Writer 's on Caring for FamilyEdited By Nell CaseyWilliam Morrow / Harper Collins ( November 13 , 2007 ) 304 pp HardcoverNonfiction : Parenting / Families / Aging / CaregivingISBN - 10 : 0060875305ISBN - 13 : 978 - 0060875305Amazon Price : $ 16 . 47As a writer and sole caregiver for my 84 - year - old mother who has Alzheimer 's , An Uncertain Inheritance : Writer 's on Caring for Family , edited by Nell Casey piqued my interest . Writers produced the 19 essays gathered for this book , but more importantly , these essays were written by caregivers and those being cared for themselves with a no - holds - barred brutal honesty . Under my currant circumstances , I thought this book might bring me to tears with each story , but I was wrong . It 's the powerful honesty , written eloquently in all its vulnerability , that will grab your heart , reduce you to tears , cause you to chuckle , and in some cases infuriate you , as it did me . These stories weren 't fiction fantasies or pretty pictures of caregivers being selfless martyrs , as some may think , and the patients weren 't patiently waiting to die ; these were true accounts of people - parents , children , spouses , friends , and siblings - who while living life , being all they could be , were stricken with illness or injury and needed help . Caregiving for the chronically or critically ill is not a pretty subject . These writers opened their homes , hearts , and minds and let out every ounce of love , fear , frustration , and anger and shared the trials and tribulations they felt during their caregiving journey . Each essay had its own merits , story , and sense of need . Helen Schuman in her essay , My Father the Garbage Head , writes with poignant , heartwarming honesty of her father 's heart attack and strokes which led to his death . Sam Lipsyte , in The Gift speaks openly and humorously about his drug abuse , how it wrecked his life , and while he " cleaned up his act " his mother let him move back in . Shortly after , his mother tells him and his sister that her breast cancer had recurred . He handled tposted by Joanne | 9 : 30 PM | Permalink the People 's Republic of DesireBy Annie WangHarper Paperbacks464 pp PaperbackFictionISBN - 10 : 0060782773ISBN - 13 : 978 - 0060782771Amazon Price : $ 11 . 16Those who know little to nothing about Chinese culture will receive an eye - opening experience of how China was and how China is now through Annie Wang 's novel the People 's Republic of Desire . Wang takes readers on a journey with four cosmopolitan women learning to live life in the new China . Niuniu , the book 's narrator is a Chinese American woman , who spent seven years living in the States obtaining her degree in journalism . In the book , Niuniu is now considered a " returnee " when goes back to China to get over a broken heart . What she meets upon return to her homeland is not the traditional Confucian values she left , but a new modern China where Western culture seems to have taken over - by extreme . Niuniu , the narrator of the book , is called a " Jia Yangguiz " which means a " fake foreign devil " because of her Westernized values . Her friend Beibei is the owner of her own entertainment company and is married to a man who cheats , so Beibei deals with his infidelity by finding her own young lovers . Lulu is a fashion magazine editor who has been having a long - term affair with a married man , and thinks nothing of having several abortions to show her devotion to him . CC , also a returnee , struggles with her identity between Chinese and English . In the People 's Republic of Desire the days of the 1989 idealism and the Tiananamen Sqaure protests seem forgotten to this new world and making a fast yuan , looking younger , more beautiful , and acting important seems to be of the most concern to this generation . Wang uses these four woman to make humorous and sometimes sarcastic observations of the new China and accurately describes how Western culture has not only infiltrated China , but is taken to extreme by those who have experienced a world outside the Confucian values . What was once a China consumed with political passions , nepotism , unspoken occurrences , and taboosposted by Joanne | 9 : 27 PM | Permalink Or at least they shouldn 't ! I 've had my hands full this past week going through files getting everything ready to prepare taxes . I should have known better than to try to do anything remotely time consuming while Mom was still up and awake . It just goes to prove that even though you " think " you know all there is to know about the sounds of the house , walker , Mom , and the dog , there is always a sound you don 't hear or one you haven 't heard before . I was upstairs sitting on the floor in the midst of a pile of paperwork when I heard Mom 's walker rolling along the carpet . No problem . She was heading to the kitchen most likely to get a drink of water . Correct . I heard the water running . Then , I heard her say , " I 'll let you out in a minute . " Heard the door open next and her cussing because she was having a hard time getting the dog hooked to the chain on the porch . Less than a minute later , the dog 's tags on his collar are tingling , the door closes , and he starts barking , so I know he 's back inside . The reason I know this is because her dog only barks when someone comes in the door and he barks at the door after it 's closed . Strange , I know , but he 's done this for as long as I can remember . Next I heard this strange sound I hadn 't heard through the monitor before . I had no idea what it was so I figured I 'd better go check out what was going on . Mom was in the dining room and headed for the living room by the time I got up off the floor and made it down the steps . I asked her if she needed anything and she said no and was very proud of herself for letting the dog out to do its business . Two Feather was on his way down to get the mail , so I headed for the bathroom before he had a chance to come back up the hill . You 're going to love this one . When I went into the kitchen to let Two Feather in , I noticed a powdery substance in the dog 's dish . I looked closer and realized it was oatmeal . I turned around and saw an empty package of instant oatmeal on the kitchen counter . Once again I was broughtposted by Joanne | 9 : 15 PM | Permalink It seems like weeks since I 've posted and it 's only been five days . Good grief , where do I begin . Friday I still wasn 't feeling well so the day dragged on . I called Stacey 's cell phone and found out that she hadn 't called after the tornado scare because Trinity had spilled orange juice on her cell phone . She was able to retrieve messages but she couldn 't make calls and calls wouldn 't go through . Thank you all for your concern for her and her family . As you already know from her post , they are all fine . Late Friday evening my mom 's neighbor , Mrs . Y . called to let us know Mrs . E . ( her mother ) passed away . After I hung up , I cried . Mrs . E . was one of the sweetest ladies I 've ever known . I never heard her say a bad word about anyone in the 55 years I knew her . She was able to enjoy many of her family members coming in to visit and celebrate her 102nd birthday the Saturday before her death . I 'll miss seeing Mrs . E . outside in the yard and waiving to her and her son , Billy , as we drive up the driveway past their house to Mom 's . She always said , " the good lord lets me live to take care of Billy . " I imagine Billy will move in with Mrs . Y . so she can care for him now . I have the utmost respect for her entire family . Daughter , grandchildren , and great grandchildren pitched in to help in the care of Mrs . E . There was an abundance of selfless people who gave of their time and love to show this 102 - year - old woman the respect she deserved . I 'm sure she left this earth knowing that she had a wonderful family . Saturday morning I woke up Mom , got her washed and dressed , and made her breakfast . After she ate and was settled in her chair in the living room , I broke the news to her about Mrs . E . I didn 't think it would be easy , but I certainly didn 't expect what took place . First I had to explain who called . She didn 't recognize her neighbor 's name . After explaining that Mrs . Y . called and who Mrs . Y is , I proceeded to tell her that Mrs . Y 's mother died , and had to remind her that Mrs . E . was the otposted by Joanne | 9 : 02 PM | Permalink Day care was open today and routines were back to normal . Stacey called me in the early afternoon . She 's such a stinker . She sounded like she was pretending to sniffle ( you know those sounds I mentioned I heard on the phone that always told me something was wrong ) and proceeded to tell me that there were 20 tornadoes headed her way in Alabama . She may really have been crying , but she hides her emotions very well from me lately . The schools closed and she had to leave work and pick up the kids . She said she 'd call me back in an hour or so and let me know if everything was OK . While talking to her , I told her she should have stayed in PA instead of moving back to Alabama . I remember how she used to call me just before every threat of a tornado . We bought her a crank generated weather band radio for Christmas last year , so she 'd always be able to hear a weather report if the power went out . She was always a nervous wreck ; asking me what she should do if she spotted one . There are no basements to hide in , so I always said she should grab a mattress , get everyone in the bathtub , and hold the mattress over them . If that wasn 't possible , I joked that she should stand between the most sturdy doorframe , bend over , and kiss her butt goodbye . She always got a chuckle out of that . It 's not so funny , when you actually think about it , though . There is nowhere to hide from a tornado down there . You 'd think the Army base would have underground bunkers , or something in place for the safety of their employees . No call came in . I tried calling her cell phone after I got Mom settled and the call didn 't go through . It disconnected after a single ring . I watched the weather report and couldn 't tell if her area was hit or not . I 'll try again in the morning and see if I can get through . I hate not knowing . Guess I 'm going to have to get a better communication system with her in cases like these . Stacey , if you went back to work today , let me know you weren 't bent over between the doorframe and how things went . You worry the pants off youposted by Joanne | 11 : 15 PM | Permalink When I pulled up to the day care this morning , there were no lights on inside . Evidently , high winds intermittently knocked down trees and power lines and the day care was within that power outage . They were on the phone calling to find out how soon power would be restored when we walked in . Their battery emergency power unit kicked in so there was heat and emergency lighting . I had second thoughts of leaving her , but figured Duquesne Light would have them up and running in no time being that they are a care facility . Well , that time didn 't come . I received a call at 9 : 00 requesting me to pick up Mom because Duquesne Light told them they probably wouldn 't have the power back on until 6 : 00 PM . The day care 's battery power died after two hours and they had no way to make breakfast or lunch and the building went dark when the emergency lights went out , so they called everyone and requested them to pick up their loved ones . I wasn 't feeling well when I got up this morning and was looking forward to getting a few hours sleep . If I felt better , I was going to suggest that Two and I go out and do something - bowling , movie , anything to get out of the house and do something different . After I received the call to pick up Mom , I burst into tears - not because I had to pick her up , but because I realized how much I cherish my time with Two and because I realized how totally exhausted I 've become . The way I was feeling , the last thing I wanted and needed to do was jump back into the car and drive . I needed rest - even if that rest was only to lie on the couch and relax . It was strange walking into the building when I picked up Mom . There wasn 't the normal hum of conversation , chairs moving , and faces glancing toward the door to see who was being picked up first . The room was dark and quiet . I was filled with an uncomfortable and eerie feeling seeing only the silhouettes of all the clients huddled at the one large table in the front of the room waiting for their loved one 's to show up . The usual smiles were replaposted by Joanne | 10 : 24 PM | Permalink Sometimes I think that we are all being tested during our time here on earth . Are we tested for our strength ? Not our physical strength , but our inner strength . Our strength to endure things that we never thought we could endure . Are we tested for our love ? Not our physical love , but our love of others , love of nature , love of all the blessings that have been bestowed upon us . Are we tested for our blessings ? Not the blessings we receive , but the blessings we can bestow upon others . Are we tested for our knowledge ? Not knowledge in the sense of how smart we are , but knowledge in the sense of whether or not we realize how many wonderful gifts we 've been given : gifts of strength , endurance , love , and all the blessings that come with them . Are we tested for our honor and integrity ? I think we are . Throughout life , I 've seen myself go through many tiny tests of integrity . It 's the simple little things that many people wouldn 't think were tests at all that I believe are tiny pieces of our big picture . It 's those simple little things we go through each day in our life and the choices we make that mold us into who we are and state whether or not our integrity is still in tact . I went to the bank yesterday to make a deposit for my uncle and cash a few checks I received in the mail last week . I had the total of the checks , $ 105 , stuffed back in a corner of my brain behind the list of errands I wanted to complete . As I waited for the teller to punch the keys of the keyboard on her computer , my brain was overflowing - thinking of the next thing on my errand list . I glanced around at the people in the bank , nearly a dozen , and casually watched them converse with other bank employees . When the teller came back to my window , she handed me my deposit receipt and counted out the money from the cashed checks . My mind swung back to my errand list as she put the money in an envelope and handed it to me . Normally , I count the cash again , right at the window in front of the teller , but I was anxious to get my errands completeposted by Joanne | 6 : 08 PM | Permalink The Writer Behind the WordsBy Dara GirardIlori PressSeptember 30 , 2007131 pp PaperbackWriting / EducationISBN : 0977019152Amazon Price : $ 10 . 46There are shelves of good books about how to become a better writer ; this book isn 't one of them . Disappointed and discouraged ? Good - In that case , The Writer Behind the Words by Dara Girard can be just the book you are looking for . Girard won 't tell you how to write a perfect query letter or which editors to query , but she will tell you how to identify the obstacles in your writing career and suggest ways to overcome them . Drawing on her personal experience , disappointments , discouragements , and doubts in her writing career , Gerard has written an honest , straightforward , humorous book to help beginning writers survive the downfalls of the publishing world . Don 't look for sugarcoated words with all the keys to success and all the right answers to all your writing needs . Girard didn 't sugarcoat anything . In fact , her book is loaded with scenarios gone wrong that could give you reason to put your pen down and quit writing . But following those downward spirals are plenty of suggestions and encouragement to keep writing and working on your craft . Truth is , Girard hits on many of the pitfalls of a writing career . She tells you how to spot bad editors and agents and tells writers they can be their own dream killers by making excuses for not writing . There are even tips on how to tackle your own excuses . The Writer Behind the Words is divided into three parts . Part One : Assessing Yourself explains how beginning writers are looking for the secrets and steps to publication . Rather than tell you what success is , Girard tells you to " define success for yourself " and explains the differences between goals and missions . She reveals the reality of the six hard truths of publishing and the seven traits of successful writers . Part Two : Surviving the Battlefield is a step - by - step instruction on how to overcome disappointment , discouragement , doubt and depression . Girard explains how rejeposted by Joanne | 5 : 25 PM | Permalink It 's Sunday ! Just another AD Sunday on our little mountain . Though I repeated that today is Sunday numerous times , as I knew I would , and was able to tell Mom that she goes to " club " tomorrow , she wasn 't anything like she was yesterday . Today , she talked all day about her mom and dad and my dad . She told me stories that I 'd heard years ago and I sat listening to her tell them as if it were the first time I 'd heard them . The last time I heard her tell those types of stories was five or six years ago . I was amazed at how she was able to recall the detail from those stories . If I didn 't know she had Alzheimer 's I certainly wouldn 't suspect it from her recall today . Her trip down memory lane was as spot on as the first time I 'd heard the tales when I was a child . I 'm always amazed at how Alzheimer 's plays with our loved one 's mind . One day or moment it allows shards of light from the past , and another day or moment it steals every memory they have . It 's truly a mind - boggling puzzle to we caregivers never knowing what may or may not be in or on their minds . It 's scary . I can only imagine how it must feel for them . The more I thought about it , the more I wondered if I may have short circuited those plaques and tangles in her brain with the short stories I read to her yesterday . She may not have recalled anything of what I was reading , but I wondered if it triggered her to remember her childhood and earlier years . I think it did because she hasn 't talked about her mom and dad in several years . It was good feeling that I may have triggered some fond memories for her from her past in a round about way . I never knew her mom ; she died before I was even thought of , but I 'd always felt like I knew her from the stories my mom told me about her . Mom talked about when she first started dating Dad , and I had to button my lip to keep from finishing the story . I knew exactly what she 'd told me before ; I knew the story by heart , and today the story came out exactly as she once told it . Today , as she uposted by Joanne | 9 : 01 PM | Permalink From the moment Mom woke up this morning I knew she wasn 't going to have a good day . It always throws her off a bit on Saturday morning when she doesn 't go to day care , but this morning she was a bit more off than usual . She couldn 't figure out what clothes were what or how to put them on . This is normal lately , but today she couldn 't pull up the words for pants , shirt , socks , or shoes . They were all " whatevers , " " whatchamacallits , and " dohickies . " After I got her dressed , I walked with her to her dresser and told her to comb her hair . I went into the kitchen to get her pills , juice , and breakfast together . When I went back into her bedroom , she still hadn 't combed her hair . She was standing in front of the dresser just staring at the things on top of it . I finally got her to comb her hair , and then she had to go to the bathroom . She was wandering around the house as if she was lost - couldn 't find the bathroom , and couldn 't remember how to get from the bathroom back to the kitchen . After breakfast , ( she ate very little ) I got her settled in her chair in the living room and put her coloring book and crayons on her table in front of her . She just stared at them for a moment , not interested in them , and leaned back in her chair . Since she was having a particularly bad morning , I gathered all the bills , stamps , envelopes , and checkbooks and took them downstairs to the living room and set them on the table in front of my chair so I could write out checks for bills and keep her company at the same time . Big mistake . I wasn 't able to concentrate on the bills and repeat answers to questions at the same time . If I 'm not looking directly at her while I 'm talking , she gets angry and thinks I 'm not paying attention . This is why I normally do all the paperwork upstairs in my room , but because she was having an off day , I thought I should be close to her . I ended up taking all the paperwork back upstairs to do later after she was in bed and I brought down the book for which I was reading to writeposted by Joanne | 9 : 18 PM | Permalink On Wednesday morning when I was ready to take Mom to day care I noticed a turkey hobbling through the snow in the front yard . I watched it flap its wings and move a few inches through the snow and fall . I 'd watched this very same turkey all spring and summer scratch for food in the yard . The reason I know it was the same turkey is because it couldn 't fly . It had no tail feathers . It was using its wings to make its way into the woods for shelter from the cold . I got out of the car and watched it hobble and wing itself down the hill behind Mom 's house and settle beneath a tree and fallen branches . I knew if the turkey weren 't able to walk and scratch for food , it would die . When I got to my house that morning , I told Two Feather about it and we rode down to Mom 's to see if the turkey was still there . We walked down the slope just behind the house and there she was , huddled beneath a pile of brush . She was still alive . Two and I walked up to it and when we got within just a few feet of her , she pushed herself off the ground and hobbled down the hill using her wings for balance . She was a fast ball of feathers , but not fast enough for Two . He ran down the hill and grabbed her before she crawled beneath another pile of brush . He carried her up the hill and we took her home . She had a broken leg . Two put a pop cycle stick splint on her leg and taped it so she could heal . All day Wednesday and Thursday , he fed her birdseed and was able to get her to drink water . He kept her safe and warm in the shed out behind our house . Thursday she was a bit spunky and got up on her foot and ran around the shed . This morning when he went out to the shed to feed her , she was standing by the door waiting for him . This afternoon we rode back down Mom 's with her in his lap . He held her for a moment , stroked her head and set her free back into the woods . The splint he made seemed to be holding up very well . I wasn 't able to get another shot of her as she ran down the hill behind Mom 's house . I hope she makes it through the winteposted by Joanne | 8 : 07 PM | Permalink Winter is here . We had four inches of snow dumped on us overnight on January 2 . I love looking at the snow , but I can 't stand the bitter cold that comes with it . Labels : bitter cold , jdkiggins , Snow With Keith 's permission , I give you his list of reflective questions for the New Year . Keith is one fantastic guy at the Absolute Write website where I moderate the Freelance Forum . I hope you enjoy his New Year reflections and find them as thought - provoking as I did , and I hope they help you consider all that is wonderful in your life as well . Thank you , Keith ! ! ! You 're a gem ! In Keith 's own words : Joanne , I 'm grateful that others might be finding the list of questions useful . Feel free to use the entire post if you think it will help anyone . Above all else , that 's what it 's about ! Thanks , Joanne . KeithWhat 's everyone doing for New Year 's Eve ? It 's my second favorite time of year and I 'm really excited for this one ! I don 't go out . I stay home , alone , and reflect on the past year . Here are just a few things I try to consider : What have I done with the year ? Which goals did I accomplish ? Which ones didn 't I ? Why not ? What am I willing to change about myself to accomplish those goals ? What do I want to focus on in 2008 ? If I accomplish only one thing next year , what 's the one most important thing that should be ? Where have I gotten off - track in my life spiritually , emotionally , physically , etc ? Have I fallen into a rut ( which is just a grave with the two ends knocked out ) ? Has my routine become complacent and overly comfortable ? Where have I gotten lazy ? What do I procrastinate on ? Am I living the life I want to live ? Granted , no one person has all of their dreams come true , but am I still dreaming ? Have I been reaching for them ? Am I enjoying what I 'm doing or did I just fall into it ? Am I living deliberately , and on purpose , or am I just taking everything as it happens and coping with it all ? ( I don 't want to just cope , I want to live my life ! ) What 's been holding me back and how can I change it ? What more could I do ? What are my priorities - - my real priorities ? Have they taken the back - burner to lesser important things in life ? Have other people 's ( coworkers ' , boss ' , relatives ' , friends ' , etc . , ) needs and uposted by Joanne | 7 : 32 PM | Permalink The first day of 2008 started off with new thoughts and new goals . After midnight , I pulled out my new journal and wrote in it for the first day of the New Year . I began my journal by attaching Keith 's list of reflective questions inside the front cover and wrote my heartfelt answers to those questions . I even made a list of simple , yet manageable goals for the year . I 'll talk about those later , but one goal is to write in my journal every night before I go to sleep . Thank you , Betsy . I 'm taking your writing challenge . Lights were out and I was asleep by 1 : 00 . Two is an early riser , but I was surprised when he woke up at 4 : 30 and told me he was going home . I walked him downstairs and went back to bed . I didn 't get up until 9 : 00 . He came back down and sat with me to enjoy our morning coffee as we always do . He looked unusually tired and when I asked him about it , he said , " No wonder you 're always so tired . I know Mother gets up during the night , but she didn 't last night . Even when she doesn 't get up , you can 't possibly get any sleep with the way she snores . " I burst out laughing and so did he . He 's right . Whether Mom gets up during the night or not , I don 't get much sleep with her constant snoring . Funny though , last night , I didn 't hear a thing - not her snoring , not his snoring , nothing - I slept fine . I felt so comfortable with him there ; I slept sound for the first time in a long time . He left to go back home and I got Mom up to get her day started . I got her breakfast ready and we sat and talked while she ate . Then I convinced her to get into the shower without too much of a problem . We didn 't finish with all the bathroom detail until just before noon . Mom sat at the kitchen table and peeled potatoes while I put the traditional pork and sauerkraut and kielbasa in a roasting pan to make for dinner . Once everything was in the oven , she sat in her chair in the living room and colored for the afternoon , while I sat in my chair and tried to finish writing a book review that 's been far posted by Joanne | 9 : 22 PM | Permalink |
Thrace S ' ver is an unwilling slave . Drugged and bound , he is taken to the Flesh Bazaar and put up for sale to the highest bidder . But this is not the first time Thrace has been on the auction block - he has a past have feelings for her slave . And though Thrace swore to be free , he finds himself devoted to his new Mistress . When their differences threaten to tear them apart , Trin tries to grant Thrace his freedom . But BLURB : Officer Red Markham knows about the ugly side of life after a car accident left him scarred and his parents dead . His job policing the streets of Carlisle , PA , only adds to the ugliness , and lately , drug overdoses have been on the rise . One afternoon , Red is dispatched to the Overhearing one of the officer 's comments about him being shallow opens Terry 's eyes . Maybe he isn 't as kindhearted as he always thought . His friend Julie suggests he help those less fortunate by delivering food to the elderly . On his route he meets outspoken Margie , a woman who REVIEW : Red responds next to a call at the local Y . This is his first contact with Terry , he overhears the remarks about his scars . Red is not surprised that the handsome young stranger finds him repulsive , most people do . When he finds Terry at his Aunt home he is surprise , slowing Red wants to help Terry . Terry is leaving absuive relationship with his ex - boyfriend . Then while Red has James investigation they are finding out there are some problems . The book show that he what we see as unlovable is very loveable to that special person . The beauty and the beast you were going for was spot on OVERALL IMPRESSION OF THE BOOK : This is another awesome book by Andrew , a must read MY RATING : 5 Hearts * * * * * Facebook : Books reviews Virginia Lee ( Like my page ) Goodreads : Virginia Lee . To see all my reviews and comments , or follow Blog : http : / / virginialeebooks . blogspot . com / Hera and Aries have taken over Olympus . The other Gods have one chance to free Zeus and take his rightful place . However , in order to do so the other Gods must be willing to sacrifice their freedom for his . They have only a short time to accomplish this and the stones will lead the way . Twelve keys will release Zeus from Icarus and those keys are each a mate to the chosen ones . Each obstacle is a labor Hercules is all too familiar with . Can they succeed before their time runs out or are they all doomed ? Timmy stood up and walked over to the balcony , opening the french doors that led out onto a wood deck . He loved feeling the sun touch his face first thing in the morning . There was nothing like it . any indication as he said , " What is wrong with you , Timmy ? You haven 't been yourself for a few days now . I bust my ass to make sure we have everything we need , and I just want to spend some time with my brother , and this is the thanks I get ? " Timmy turned toward his brother 's voice and huffed . " I 'm blind , Wyatt , not a child . I 'm twenty - five years old and you continue to treat me as if I was five . Ever since we got back from visiting Leon and his brothers you have been on edge and bossing me is all I am trying to do ! Josh gave us a warning and maybe you should be taking it as seriously as I am . Do you even know the last time I was on a date ? " Wyatt squawked , which showed Timmy that he really was pissing his brother off . hushed tone , " I 'm sorry , Wyatt . I am taking Josh 's warning serious . However , you can 't change fate and you can 't hide from it either . I hate Timmy felt his brother put his arm around him and hugged him close . " No I 'm sorry . My lack of a social life has nothing to do with you and I shouldn 't have said that . " Timmy and Wyatt were shifters . They , however did not shift into a lion or wolf or other normal type of animal . They shifted into griffins . That meant they had the head , wings , Timmy 's mom had always had what they called second sight . She had foreseen the event and tried to get the others to prepare . She had made their father build a safe room for Timmy That night , she and their father had put them to bed in that very room with strict instructions to not come out no matter what they heard for three days . So that is what they did . Timmy would never forget the screams and smell of death that assaulted his senses that night . They had stayed out of sight ever since . Shaking the memories of that day , Timmy asked , " Why don 't you feel it then ? We were the guardians to the Gods . Shouldn 't you feel it ? " Timmy gently opened to Hephaestus and Hephaestus didn 't waste any time as he slipped his tongue in and tasted his mate 's warm , moist mouth . Timmy caught on quickly as their tongues danced a dance as old as time and teeth clacked together . Hearing Timmy hum with desire brought Hephaestus 's desires to the surface even more so that time to quickly divest Timmy of his shirt so he could feel skin beneath his palms . The sounds coming from Timmy were going straight to Hephaestus 's balls . Then he felt Timmy bring his hands under his shirt with soft , timid motions , rubbing his abs and pectoral muscles . Hephaestus swallowed hard as he tried to answer . " I work with my hands . I 'm a blacksmith . I make weapons with metal and fire for the Gods . " Timmy unzipped his pants and quickly brought them down , forgetting he had his shoes on . He would have fallen if Hephaestus had not caught him and whispered , " Careful , Timmy . I don 't REVIEW : This is another great story to the series . Micah has bonded with Erik to save his life . Micah does not feel that he is worthy of Erik and is slowing getting weaker . They finally get together , then a problem from Micah past appears . Peter wants his pet back and he will do what ever to get Micah back including getting rid of Erik . Micah has security issue and he wants to be love . He finally has that chance . OVERALL IMPRESSION OF THE BOOK : This is another awesome book to this series , a must read MY RATING : 5 Hearts * * * * * been a part of his life plan , but there was a little seed of thought inside of Micah that told him that if he could provide an inkling of good in the world by saving a life , then he wouldn 't die completely useless . He hadn 't counted on Erik actually wanting to be with him , though . The moment the mating bond snapped into place between the two of them , Micah knew he was screwed , because there was an actual chance that Erik actually wanted him , and Micah couldn 't admit to himself that he - no , yearned for - another person to like him . Now , he had someone who wanted him . Erik was many things to Micah even though they 'd only been mated a short while . The phoenix was a lot of unknowns , certainly , but the one thing Micah knew about the man was that they were bound together irreversibly , And they hadn 't had sex , well , ever , though that wasn 't so much a problem since they 'd only been mated for three weeks . Although , Micah definitely felt the pangs of hunger inside him , a hunger that wouldn 't be sated by any meal , and it was something that only Erik could give him . As an incubus , he needed to feed in other Not to mention the fact that the man with wild , blond hair , ice - blue eyes and a perpetual , lopsided grin on his face was like sex on a stick . Micah needed to mentally fan himself whenever he even turned to look at Erik , and something inside him constantly tried to propel him into Erik 's arms . He needed to stay away . now lived in with his newfound " mate . " A whole group of his roommates were seated in the living room . Erik was waving his hand about in front of Micah 's face to try and capture his attention , and two couples were off on the other side staring at him like he 'd just lost his head . Zack had an arm draped over the back of the couch , with one leg drawn up while Rain was leaning forward , his legs splayed out in a comfortable sitting position , his fingers tented . Micah was so deep , deep into his reverie that he hadn 't realized he was actually talking to a group of people . One minute he was listening to Kai tell a story , when Erik 's arm tightened around him slightly and he careened into oblivion . Part of it was extreme hunger . of being able to feed from the energy of the world around him . Now , it was as though everything was funneled - and amplified - by the big , Nordic - looking lug beside him . It was just one of the many double - edged swords when he bound himself to Erik weeks ago . When Erik started to feel worried , Micah lost the already tenuous supply of energy he had , and it made his mind attempt to shut down to try and conserve what little energy he had left inside him . But he knew he couldn 't . Micah could see the looks on the faces of his friends and he had to come back . He blinked rapidly , before turning to the source of the voice trying to talk to him . Their lips finally parted with a soft suckle . Micah looked up to see Erik 's ice - blue eyes dilated , and his lips parted as he panted . The phoenix 's arms tensed , grasping the wall . Micah could even hear his mate 's nails scrape against the wood . " No , no I 'm not , " Micah said , his cheeks puffing up as he turned his eyes away , trying to sound as menacing as possible while his hands went up into the messy mop of near neck - length blond hair that Erik had . His fingers curled into them , combing through the locks as he peered up into his mate 's eyes , dragging his gaze along Erik 's form . It took him another few moments to speak , looking up to see " Was that a legitimate attempt at flirting ? " Erik chuckled . He pressed his kiss - swollen lips right up against Micah 's once more , lightly pecking the incubus 's lips . " That was " No it wasn 't . I wasn 't flirting . Sh - shut up ! " Micah stammered and turned to look away , his face turning bright , bright red and heat prickling at his face . He collected himself as he tried to pull away from the phoenix , curling up into a little ball near the headboard . " N - no . " There was a petulance in his voice , even as Micah stammered . " You 're making fun of me . Also , I hate that name . Can 't you just call me Micah ? " wasn 't . You 're cute and I like it , so stop hiding yourself away , all right ? Come on , Micah . Look at me . " surrounded his lover 's peach - colored nipples down into his pants . The incubus ' breath hitched . His fingers clenched around the covers of the bed . In that moment , there was only Erik , and suddenly Micah felt so warm in the clothes he wore that he began to perspire just a bit . Erik was fulfilling his mate 's needs and desires at that moment , the cloud of passion and energy permeating them both fueling Micah . It wasn 't just his lust , either . Micah could feel his strength coming back to him , flowing back into him . The small incubus didn 't know that it could feel like this . From the many stories Micah had heard about incubi who 'd bonded who didn 't at least have sex once a week with their partners , it was a wonder he was still alive . True , he 'd already been weak and starving for some time , but he was able to get by just from feeding off of the happiness of the people around him , and it wasn 't such a big problem without being bonded . An unbound cubi could simply feast on whoever they desired , eating up the pleasure - which was also why they were so sexual - of almost everyone around them and ensuring their survival . But now , it was different . With Erik and their bond in the picture , his body Deep in his reverie , he hadn 't even realized that Erik had removed his pants , though his shirt remained on his body . It was only when he was being flipped over , his face resting against the mattress and his legs in the air , held in place by Erik 's strong arms , that Micah was able to realize what was happening . Erik 's face pressed in between his cheeks , making Micah 's eyes widen in surprise . " E - Erik , what are you doing - ah ! " READ FOR FREE . . . . . . . Protected By The Wolf - Book 2 ( Springfield Wolves ) [ Kindle Edition ] Tia Archer READ FOR FREE . . . . . . . Protected By The Wolf - Book 2 ( Springfield Wolves ) Tia Archer At the time of this post this book was free on Amazon http : / / www . amazon . com / Protected - Wolf - Book - Springfield - Wolves - ebook / dp / B00N9ANX2A / ref = sr _ 1 _ 281 ? s = digital - text & ie = UTF8 & qid = 1422326635 & sr = 1 - 281 & keywords = free + kindle + books blurb : Part 2 Of The Popular " Springfield Wolves " Series Sylvia and Jackson are trying to enjoy a precious few romantic moments together when they are rudely interrupted . As the ground starts to shake they realize they are in the middle of an earthquake . Only thing is , earthquakes simply do not happen in this part of the world . Jackson knows they are dealing with something far more sinister and it is clear that Heathcliff is not done just yet . With Heathcliff threatening to come back bigger and badder then ever , Jackson realizes he not only has to protect Sylvia but he also has was born a slave to her human slave mother . With an owner that is also her father , she is looked down upon due to her bi - species genetics . But Mekenna keeps her strength , not letting her abuse and servitude control or shape who she is . Hades brothers Vicktor , Savastian , and Fillip come from a species known for their brutal and violent nature . They fight to survive , and are victorious in all they challenge . They are warriors in nature and bloodline , and always will be , but now it 's time for them to find a female to share . When they find Mekenna they know she is the one that will be theirs . Her life has been one of degradation , but the brothers will show her that to them she their Queen . Anyone or anything that threatens her in any way will have to answer to the monsters they truly are . * blurb not finalized * BY author READ FOR FREE . . . . . . . Once Upon a Tiger ( Tiger Shifters Book 1 ) [ Kindle Edition ] Kat Simons READ FOR FREE . . . . . . . Once Upon a Tiger ( Tiger Shifters Book 1 ) [ Kindle Edition ] Kat Simons tiger law . She will not be forced to mate . So when a handful of males band together to force her to participate in the run , Alexis chooses to stand her ground and fight instead . He 's forbidden to run . never particularly cared , though , since the woman he loves refuses to take a mate . However , when he learns Alexis may be in danger , all bets are off . Nothing will keep him from her side . The chemistry between them burns wickedly hot and forges them into an unbeatable pair . Alexis knows that being with Victor means she will have to break another one of her people 's laws - a move that might push the tigers too far . But , for Victor , she will risk everything , including sinuously seductive as Le Poivre de Cayenne . The woman the locals call Pepper is every bit as enigmatic as the three little girls she 's desperately trying to protect . From what , Wyatt is soon to discover . Right now Pepper needs a man like Wyatt . Passionately . But her secrets are about to take them both deeper into the bayou than either imagined - where desire is the deadliest poison of all . Posted by BLURB : The beautiful and curvaceous Olivia Rose has always been a hopeless romantic . In fact , it 's gotten her into trouble more times than she cares to remember - always falling in love with the wrong kind of men . So when she finds herself being rescued by a gorgeous was a girl who has been choosing men that are bad for her . She decide to take a hiking trip to clear her head . Were she meets Cole . They are fighting the attraction to each other while Cole try to protect Olivia from the hunters . BLURB : While the rest of his pack mates are celebrating the holiday season with their newfound mates , Peter Sanders is miserably counting off the minutes until he can head home . Pete knows he 's no one 's ideal mate . He 's mediocre , sells video games for a living , and still lives with his mother . Pete begins to think it 's going to be another miserable Christmas when his dream hunk strikes up a conversation with him . Fabio Luigi may be new to the New Haven pack , but he isn 't blind to the glances a certain submissive wolf has been giving him all season long . Pete may believe they come from two different worlds for sparks to REVIEW : A great story of Pete and Fabio . Pete is depressed that everyone around him is fining their mates and he is not . He has been thinking a lot about Fabio , but Pete doesn 't think that he would be interested in him . Fabio proves to Pete that are meant to be together as mates OVERALL IMPRESSION OF THE BOOK : This is good book , Just little to short MY RATING : 4 Hearts * * * * * Facebook : Books reviews Virginia Lee ( Like my page ) Goodreads : Virginia Lee . To see all my reviews and comments , or follow Blog : http : / / virginialeebooks . blogspot . com / Pete always saw Fabio as someone who didn 't take things seriously . Fabio always seemed to be laughing with the other more powerful wolves of the pack , as if he could never run out of things to joke about . Fabio certainly wasn 't laughing now and the sheer intensity of his gaze scared Pete a little . A shiver of excitement went down his spine . Fabio 's touch was like a brand . His hand was large and deliciously rough as he curled it around Pete 's wrist . " Let 's stop playing games . You 've dragged this particular game long enough don 't you think ? I 'm not Fabio closed the distance between them , until Pete could feel the other man 's hard muscles colliding with his lean and skinny frame . He swallowed , aware of his own traitorous cock rising , and the visible bulge in Fabio 's jeans rubbing against his own jeans . The beast sharing half his soul woke , aroused and hungry . Pete could see it stalking close farmer - until he met Elliot Foster , and then his dreams changed . Elliot seemed to want the same thing until the day he disappeared without a word . Two years later , Elliot is back and Mitch has to decide if he 's willing to put his heart on the line again for a man that is afraid to commit . Elliot Foster found heaven in the arms of a farmer . Family obligations tore him away and put him in hell . When the devil himself seems to have it out for Elliot , he does the only thing he can to protect himself and his family - he runs into the arms of the one man that " Who 's the cutie ? " Mitchell Walker asked as he watched the sexy little blond across the burning fire pit from him . He didn 't know if it was the way the flames seemed to highlight the Whatever it was , Mitch hadn 't been able to look away since the man sat down . " Dude , could you be a little bit more specific ? " Russell Bozeman , Mitch 's best friend since kindergarten , replied as he waved his beer bottle toward the bevy of beauties sitting around the fire . " There 's a lot of cute out there . " " Yeah ? " Mitch could hear the curiosity Russ 's voice as the man gazed out across the fire . " He 's cute enough , I suppose . " Mitch grinned wickedly . " There 's always a first time . " He quickly downed the rest of his beer then scooted off the tailgate of his truck . Mitch walked over to the cooler someone had brought for the party and grabbed himself another beer and a Coke for Elliot . Mitch hadn 't missed the fact that Elliot was " Yes , I know . I asked , " Mitch said , nodding toward the Coke in his hand . " I thought you might be ready for a new one , " " I 'm a third - generation farmer . Always have been , always will be . " Mitch wasn 't sure if it was curiosity shining in Elliot 's green eyes or disdain at his chosen profession . But he wasn 't ashamed of what he did . He loved it . " I 've been working the farm since I was old enough to ride on my daddy 's knee . I 'll do it until Elliot 's head tilted , a quizzical smile crossing his lips , making him go from simply cute to astonishingly handsome . Mitch knew he 'd have to get the guy to smile some more . He wanted another one of those devastating smiles . " Yeah . " Mitch hid his nervousness at the question by taking another sip of his beer . In this day and age , not many people understood his love of farming . It was a lost art as far as he was concerned . Most people either bought their food at the supermarket or owned large commercialized farms that produced product for mass markets . Mitch glanced at Elliot out of the corner of his eye , not sure if the guy was laughing at him or not . The earnest look on Elliot 's face surprised him . " You think being a farmer is cool ? " " Yeah . " Mitch took another sip of his beer , watching Elliot . He was a strange little dude , cute , but strange . " So , you always wanted to be a veterinarian then ? " " Oh yeah . " A wide grin spread over Elliot 's lips . " When I was around six years old , a couple of baby birds were born in a nest outside my bedroom window . I was fascinated by them , watched them for hours every day . When one of them fell from the nest , my mother said I was hysterical . She brought the baby bird inside and put it in a box . " Elliot chuckled as his gaze dropped down to his hands . " I think she thought the bird would die and was preparing it to be buried in the backyard . Instead , I took the bird down to our local veterinarian . I went down every day , taking out the trash and sweeping the floor to pay the bill . Several weeks later , the vet and I freed that baby bird . As I watched it fly off , I knew that I wanted to be able to do that , to keep animals from dying and set them free . " Mitch rolled to his back , a deep chuckle vibrating through his chest as he laughed . Elliot soon joined in the laughter . He was really beginning to adore Elliot . The last week spent with the man was turning out to be one of the best he could remember in a some kissing and light touching between them since that night at the lake , but nothing more than that . Mitch was pretty sure that Elliot was inexperienced or close to it . No matter how horny Elliot made him , he didn 't want to do anything the man was uncomfortable with . He reached into his pocket , grabbing the lube and condom he had stashed there before leaving his house that evening . He wasn 't exactly planning on getting laid , but he had been raised to always be prepared for anything . And he had a lot of hope . " Get naked . " Mitch could barely remember to strip his own clothes off as he watched Elliot get undressed . Short the man might be , but small he was not . Apparently , god had made up for Elliot 's smaller body by giving him a very impressive cock . Mitch wondered if Elliot had ever topped and if he could talk him into it at some point . Mitch liked it both ways . And he would love to feel that bad boy pound into his ass . Elliot 's entire body flushed at Mitch 's request . He bit his bottom lip and then turned around , giving Mitch a beautiful view of his ass . Mitch flipped the lid on the lube and squirted a small amount down Elliot 's crease . " Give me your hand . " Elliot reached back , giving Mitch his fingers . Once he lubed his lover 's fingers , Mitch set the bottle aside and guided Elliot 's lubed hand toward his hole . " Have you ever done this before , Elliot ? " " No , " Elliot admitted as his fingers felt around his tight entrance and then one of the digits pushed past the ring of muscles . Mitch 's cock hardened even further at the sight . He groaned as he watched . Elliot slowly pushed another finger inside of his Mitch moved his hands out of the way as Elliot turned back around . He started to climb off of Mitch , but he stopped Elliot from going anywhere . " I want you to ride me . " Elliot while holding the base of his cock . When the tip of his shaft touched Elliot 's hole , Mitch had to breathe out . " Go slow . " Elliot blushed at Mitch 's words . It was cute as hell . Mitch grinned up at him and then gripped Elliot 's sides . " Tell me when you 're ready to move , honey . " lips . The kiss sent new spirals of ecstasy through Mitch as he thrust harder . Mitch broke the kiss , nipping Elliot 's ear . " Am I hurting you ? " Years ago , the Terran Government betrayed special forces officer Marc Devlin , forcing him to flee for his life . He rescued several fellow officers and built a new life as the head of his own mercenary force . When he captures Kirlos , a beautiful Cerian diplomat , he thinks to torture the man to learn Cerian secrets . Instead of an enemy worthy of his revenge , he finds a lover . Months later , Marc and Kirlos , who now serves as station commander , take a cargo pilot captive . They fear that this pilot , a young woman named Larissa , might be an agent of one of Marc 's oldest enemies . The two men strike a bargain with Larissa that lands her in their bed for a month . As they dole out exquisite torment with their Cerian sex table , passion builds and turns to love . But the three of them must fight outside enemies and their own instincts to preserve the life they 've made for themselves . REVIEW : This is a awesome a book . . . Marc was betray by his government . He left and create a station for others like him to keep them safe . Kirlos was his prisoner at first , then they become lovers . Larissa then comes into their lives . They over come all distrust and fight together to destroy a common enemy . OVERALL IMPRESSION OF THE BOOK : This is another awesome book MY RATING : 5 Hearts * * * * * Eli is racing against time . He created a weapon that could destroy planets . His boss plans to unleash the power at the technology convention . Determined to stop the slaughter , Eli sets out to destroy the weapon . He didn 't count on meeting his mate along the way . The instant attraction sizzles between Jonan and Eli , but Jonan can 't figure Eli out . He 's a puzzle that 's missing a few pieces . When he He bit his lip and stepped into the shadows . After a couple of minutes , the hall cleared . When no one was watching , at least anyone with eyes , he turned and backtracked his route . His hand shook as it rested on the black bag pressed against his hip . Right now no one was looking at it , but if he kept shaking or lurking , someone would notice . Knowing what was inside made his hair stand up . The amount of explosives tucked inside wouldn 't send him to jail . No , he wouldn 't be that lucky . They 'd shoot him before he uttered a word . There wasn 't enough explosives inside the bag to destroy the complex . That wasn 't his intention . He wasn 't a murderer . No , that wasn 't true . His inventions had killed , but killing everyone here wasn 't on his to do list . Still , to avoid the death of trillions of people , he needed to destroy the damn weapon . Even as a captive , he had a choice . They forced him to work by depriving food and making his life a living hell , but that didn 't mean he had to cooperate . He could 've looked into food replicators . There were so many non - deadly things to explore . But that was the past and there was no going back . His life wasn 't worth the weapon he 'd created . As the Axel Tech Group headed toward universe domination , he needed to focus on stopping them . After all , this was his The elevator opened , but with his head bowed in shame , Eli couldn 't avoid the collision as a wall of steel stepped in front of him . He fell backward and cradled the bag into his stomach as he landed onto his ass . He hissed in pain . Now more than ever , he wished for a little more butt padding . When he looked up , dark brown eyes bore into him . The gaze sent a shiver down his spine . He opened his mouth to apologize , but froze . Wild , dark , untamed hair fell to the man 's shoulders . The warrior pushed back the unruly hair with large powerful hands that could snap him in two or make his body purr with need . Muscles bulged from underneath a sinfully tight leather shirt A growl spurred his cock to life . The husky sound belonged within his lust - filled erotic dreams . He craved this man . Yearned for his touches . It took every ounce of willpower to stop from crawling over on hands and knees to pull down the warrior 's pants and lick his cock . He blinked at the strong reaction . Sex was great , but he 'd never been slutty . His skin tingled with need as every nerve ending begged to be touched . Before he could stop himself , he inched closer . out a hand and the warrior grabbed it . The moment their skin touched a spark tingled between them and then he knew . His eyes widened and he took in a deep breath as the truth hit him like a colliding spaceship . This man was his mate . The warrior sniffed the air . He squeezed Eli 's hand as a look of recognition and surprise flashed over the warrior 's face before he forced on a mask of indifference . Eli had no doubt that they 'd reach the same conclusion . This wasn 't good . Instead of rushing into his mate 's arms , he forced all sights of his discovery away . But he A large , powerful arm yanked him to his feet . Guards entered the lobby . They scanned the area . Eli 's heart pounded in his chest . Without thinking , he pushed the warrior into the elevator . The doors closed , leaving them alone in the small box . Eli couldn 't believe the boldness behind his actions . He had never been this forward or demanding . But the attraction sizzled between them and he couldn 't ignore it . Every touch left him wanting more . The kisses didn 't stop , but they stopped moving . The bedroom was too far away and they weren 't going to make it . leg . The warrior grabbed it and brought him closer , trapping his erection between their bodies . The rough fabric against his over sensitive flesh reminded him that one of them wore too much clothes . Just as he was about to voice his discovery , all rational thoughts disappeared . He whimpered as fingers parted his ass and rubbed at his sensitive opening . One digit pushed inside , spreading him wide apart . He threw his head back and hissed in pleasure as a burning heat tore through him . It wasn 't enough . He gripped Jonan 's shoulders , desperate for something to hold on to before he slid off the edge of pleasure . within him . All other thoughts disappeared as he moaned . He couldn 't wait much longer and Jonan didn 't disappoint . He was lifted up . Eli wrapped his legs around his mate 's body as the door to the bedroom opened . When they reached the double sized bed , he was dropped onto it . His ass bounced . His hard cock hit his stomach , only increasing the need . Eli looked up in appreciation at the man that had him on the verge he turned over on hands and knees and then stuck out his ass . No point in being subtle . Besides , this wouldn 't be anything more than sex . No confusion between that and mating . He couldn 't allow it . Those thoughts disappeared . Right now , he was in the middle of a lust - filled haze and reality wouldn 't destroy that . When he turned to look behind him , he shivered . Fire burned in Jonan 's dark brown eyes . Parts had turned red . Eli licked his lips in anticipation . Jonan moved closer . His large hands Jonan kissed in between his shoulder blades , then moved down . Sweet kisses landed across his back . Not impatient , but loving . He was being worshiped and caressed with such need that it scared him . It wasn 't right . Eli didn 't deserve gentle . Not Moist fingers pushed into his ass , spreading him . The fingers thrust harder into him , preparing him for what was to come . He threw his head back as the rustling of fabric forced his head to turn to look . The pants slid down the warrior 's body and pooled around his mate 's ankles . Jonan 's cock jutted out . It stood large and proud between dark curls , rock hard and already wet for him . He moaned and pushed back . There was no denying that he wanted it . Hands A growl filled with need tore through his mate . Then a hand landed on his left cheek . He purred at the sensation . His ass burned and his balls tightened . He wanted to feel that again . He shook his head . Then lowered his head down and rested his forehead onto the back of his hands . Slow was the last thing he wanted . " Fuck me , " he demanded and half pleaded . " No oil in my pocket . " He wanted to say something witty , but all of his attention was focused on sex . His hand reached for his cock . " Not ready . I 'll just take care of this myself . " The cheeky response earned him another swat on his left butt cheek . But his hand ignored it and continued toward his cock , but the slap to the right cheek stopped him . He panted . |
The Mystic was parked in orbit until a rescue ship could tow it to Quenxel drydock . The most recent damage was contained , however the impulse drive could not be operated without increasing the damage to the power systems . Without the impulse drive it would be near impossible to pull the Mystic out of orbit . Since it was unable to leave for almost a day until the tow came , Blackstar decided to find the Glorious Fox . Shi assembled a team for finding and boarding the old warship . Parishka , Tex , and Vega all knew the insides of the old vessel fairly well . Sasha was ideally built for jungle environments . Dr . Oliver came along , in case there were injured survivors . And Nightrose came along to keep Blackstar from getting into to much trouble . It was either bring her , or bring Sly , and Blackstar knew Sly could get in the way . Not that shi minded him being a little overprotective , but shi didn 't need him to do something stupid . Vega replied , " This close to the sun , the interference makes a beam - in difficult , and the Mystic can 't maintain a geosynchronous orbit . If there is an emergency , it could be hours before we got beamed up . This way Layla is only a few minutes away . Now stop whining or I 'm going to kill you , slowly . " As they approached the old cruiser , Blackstar shook hir head in amazement . " I wonder how that thing was able to come down , intact , and belly down . It was hardly designed for this type of landing except as a last resort . " " The ground is soft , " said Vega . " The ground appears to have a soft spongy layer just beneath the dirt . Somehow I doubt the ship landed here by chance . " When they reached the base of the ship , Tex pointed to a group of stones . " There are only nine graves . There was a crew of ten when they left . Someone must still be alive . " Nightrose looked around with her eyes before she decided to ask what seemed like a stupid question . " How are we getting in there ? I can 't find a door at ground level . " " We climb , " said Blackstar . Shi pointed upward to the forward section of the hull . Just above them was a pair of large doors leading to the auxiliary entrance to a hanger bay that was normally used for transferring fighters while at spacedock or other types of space station facilities . The doors were slightly ajar , possibly from deteriorating hydraulic systems that operated the doors . The ship was leaning at an upward angle and prevented them from seeing what was inside . " Oh , of course there ain 't , Sugar , " said Prime . " There 's also no such things as ghosts either . " Blackstar snickered at Oliver 's confused look . The crew followed Blackstar up the massive trees and plants that had begun to overtake the massive vessel . Once they were all inside the ship , they made their way from the hangar bay to the launch bay . Blackstar took a nostalgic look around . Three of the old prototype Blades were still partially on the catapults , some partway off from the crash impact with a fourth one upside down on the deck with several scratches from bouncing around the bay at some point . The prototypes had their cockpits closer to the fighter 's nose due to the larger engine size . Blackstar snorted and began walking down the hallway connected to the aft of the hangar . " I 'm going to check crew quarters and then check the bridge . You guys check if this wreck has any power . " Blackstar left , hir shoulders slumped . Nightrose moved to follow , but was stopped by Vega . Nightrose gave Vega a dirty look . " I think you should let hir alone . Blackstar was almost killed because of an unnecessary risk shi took . Blackstar is wondering if shi could have made a difference if shi had been aboard . Shi likes to be left alone , when dealing with stuff like that . " Nightrose looked down the corridor where Blackstar had disappeared to , then looked back to Vega . " It 's been a long time since you were hir partner . You may have left hir alone , but that 's not how I do things . Not since I learned how to be a friend . When I met hir at the academy a while back , I wasn 't the nicest person . I didn 't care what happened to others . Later on , I learned what it meant to be a true friend . The person that taught me that was Blackstar . Shi helped me when I needed it , and now shi needs me . That 's part of being a mate , and a friend . " Nightrose then disappeared down the same corridor . Vega shook her head and led the way to engineering . The rest of the away team followed in silence , not sure what to say . The main engineering section seemed large and empty ; the center was void of the warp core that would normally occupy the space . " Well , I think it 'll be impossible to restore main power considering the core is gone . " She walked over to the auxiliary power manual override and struggled to pull down the lever control . Although she was able to pull it into the ' on ' position , the rusted handle broke off . " Well , I hope we don 't need to turn that off any time soon . " Vega shook her head . " No . Well , maybe if we can pump a full charge into the batteries , then throw everything we have into the engines , we might be able to get into orbit . But considering that this ship has been here for a few decades and it was already heavily damaged , I doubt it 'd hold together while trying to get up there . " Taking a look at one of the damage control displays , she nodded . " Definitely not . I 'm seeing red lights on several lateral beams . She broke her back . This old girl won 't fly again except in theoretical discussions and simulations . In any case , we should have running water in a half - hour or so should we feel the need to stay for an extended period of time for whatever reason . Let 's get to the bridge . " Blackstar found hir way to the captain 's quarters . Shi looked around the disheveled room . Shi picked up a broken picture frame , with a torn picture still inside it . A much younger Chakat Starfox was there , arm draped around Admiral V ' Les , with a younger Blackstar standing in front of them wearing a flight suit and a pair of sunglasses on hir forehead . Blackstar didn 't even turn as shi sensed hir mate walking in . " Starfox was more of a father to me than my own father . Now I loved them both , but my father was always busy on some job . And to be honest my father is a butthead . I often found myself with my mother on one of hir digs or with Starfox on hir flagship . Then during one of my times with my mother , I found myself trapped in a room with a small object on a pedestal , some ancient booby trap . I touched it , wanting to be somewhere other than there . I never worried about the when . I showed up sometime later on Earth . I found myself looking for my parents , who thought I died in a cave - in years earlier . I ended up with a group of freelancers , and when the leader was killed during a mission , I was the only one thinking clearly . I led them out of there and became the leader by default . I didn 't find my parents for a few years . They had split up after I died . My father didn 't like that I was leading my own team of freelancers . Then the mission to hide the Time Matrix came up and I ended up in stasis , just like the rest of the freelancing group . The only people I trusted were those freelancers , and Starfox . Finding the Glorious Fox was never about the Time Matrix for me . Partially because I knew it wasn 't here , but also because it was about finding hir . I hope shi 's somewhere on board . " The crew watched the main screen readout , a report on the approaching battle cruiser , which had weapons bordering on the level of illegal . The Mystic would be overpowered by it even at full power . " They must have known half our crew would be on the planet right now , " said Trip . " More then half , " said Sonar , " unless you don 't count Layla and do count Sly Wacoon . However she is helpful and trained in combat , he is not . Unless his company can send reinforcements . " The Firefox shook his head . " The soonest a ship could be here is in one hour , but that 's the Heart of Glass . It 's not heavily armed . However my three main bodyguards could help fight off any boarding parties , but I locked them out of the Glass ' systems so they couldn 't interrupt me and Blackstar . " 8 - Ball interrupted , " Now is not the time to be worried about what we want or wish we had and what we can 't have . What we need to do now is figure out what we do have . We must hold them off for at least two and a half hours until reinforcement arrive . The enemy will be here in less then a half - hour . Sky ? What do we have to work with ? " Sky looked over the bridge 's damaged engineering console . " A dozen photon torpedoes . Impulse engines have minimal power available . Batteries are dead . Warp core is off line , we 're working with fusion power only . We have maybe a handful of shots with the forward cannons , and our shields will only be able to take a few hits , and the Vega 's cloak might work for a few minutes . Fighter bay took a hit , we can 't launch . Repairs there will take two hours , with parts and a full crew . We can 't run , we can 't fight , we can 't hide , we 're gonna go out with a whimper . " The Skunktaur 's tail dragged on the deck behind hym . 8 - Ball grabbed hys collar . " Damn it , we aren 't going to give up . I didn 't run away to join this crew , just to die a month later . We 're charged with defending this ship , and we are going to do it . Do you understand me ? " Sky nodded . " Good . Now bring up the ship 's entire inventory on main viewer . " The ship 's inventory , covering everything from weapons to toiletries was listed . 8 - Ball noticed something odd . " What are those holo - emitters for ? " " Plot a course for the north magnetic pole . I want ECM systems ready . Move the holo - emitters to the torpedo bay . Sky and Carl , get down there , and start installing the holo - emitter on the empty torpedo casings . " " Very well , " said Rothman , " target it visually then . On forward screen . " There was a moment of silence as the bridge crew looked in shock . " Impossible ! " Rothman 's heart was beating at what felt like two thousand times a second . On the main screen were a dozen Mystic - class ships . " It must be an illusion of some sort . Only two Mystic - class ships were built and the other was reported destroyed . Where did these other ships come from ? " " I want all shield power to the front deflector screens , just in case . Target the ship furthest from us , target all guns and fire ! " ordered Rothman . He was only half surprised as the beams simply passed through the targeted Mystic . " That would have been too obvious a hiding pla … " he was interrupted as his ship shuddered . " Report ! " The Mystic ! It 's behind us ! " said Kenny . " I 'm redirecting shields to aft . " The shields went from being all forward to all aft , but not before the Mystic 's guns did severe damage to some of the weapons and disabled the engines . Kenny was so busy with trying to target the Mystic with the few remaining aft guns that he never noticed the small objects moving in . There was no warning as the photon torpedoes smashed the now unshielded front of the ship . Normally there would be a heads - up as the torpedoes locked their sensors on target , but the Mystic 's crew had chosen to use their recall command instead . The enemy bridge crew was being flung around from the first few hits when a torpedo struck their bridge . Those that weren 't lucky enough to be killed in the explosion were sucked out into space . The ship slowly fell out of orbit and crashed into one of the oceans on the planet below . The shields had failed long before it fell out of orbit , and the outer hull was burned black when the ship slammed into the water . The hull was an unrecognizable mass of metal by the time it reached the ocean floor , having been blown open by the torpedoes , burned up in the atmosphere , and shredded by the impact . The bat - eared fox shrugged . " After spending so much of my life hidden , I guess it was only natural that I could create a sneak attack . " While 8 - Ball had begun the idea of using the empty torpedo casings and holo - emitters to create holo - images of the Mystic , it was Sonar 's idea to hide the loaded torpedoes inside the holo - projections . It had been a true team effort as Sky and Carl had to fit the empty casings with the projectors and the batteries necessary to create the illusion . Then using the cloaking device that Vega had left on the ship and operated by Tyria , the Mystic cloaked and snuck in behind the enemy ship with the graceful piloting that only Trip could perform . Then while they were trying to counter the attack by the Mystic , the torpedoes slammed the enemy ship . It was a gamble that the enemy ship 's sensors would only warn that the torpedoes had locked onto the ship , so the torpedoes locked onto the Mystic , and struck the ship in - between . The plan had gone even better the 8 - Ball could 've hoped . The enemy made the mistake of focusing all their shield power in one area and left the target spots exposed at exactly at the right time . 8 - Ball had figured it would still descend into a shoot out , but on more even grounds . Sighing , Sky said , " I don 't know about you , but I need a drink . This has been like a long bad dream . " Blackstar pulled a staff - shaped weapon off of hir grandfather 's wall , showing it to Nightrose . " This was Starfox 's favorite weapon . It can be wielded like a quarter - staff for close quarter combat . It also can emit a blast similar to a phaser for ranged combat , and reduce in size to a more compact form for easy storage . " Shi demonstrated the staff shrinking till it was only a foot in length . " I 'm not much for staff combat . However I know you were something of an expert back at the academy , " said Blackstar as shi handed the weapon to Nightrose . Blackstar shrugged . " Some sort of polymer that responds to an electric charge , I think , although I 'm no expert . I just know what it does and how to make it do it . " " Okay , weirdness alert , " said a very disgusted Nightrose . " I never understood that one , edible underwear . Now furry handcuffs on the other hand , " she said holding up a pair of handcuffs . " Your grandparents were surprisingly kinky . Want ' em ? " Blackstar explained anyway . " Well , you know how there are torture devices that stimulate all the pain receptors in your body ? Well , it 's like that but it stimulates the pleasure receptors or whatever in the same way . It 's great for practical jokes too . " Blackstar grinned as Nightrose went out in the hall . " I 've been a bad influence on her . " Then Blackstar looked at the pictures . " Whoa . . . I didn 't know Grandma liked it doggy style . " " I do not miss this , " said Vega as she fired her pistol a few more times expending the clip before replacing it . " Who is that ? " asked Dr . Oliver referring to the powered armor units attacking them . Tex , whose body was essentially a powered armor unit identical to the assaulting ones explained , " The ship 's auto defense can control unmanned powered armor units for defending the ship against perceived threats . Since they have a system designed to assist the wearer with stronger movements and greater speed , they can move without a wearer as well . That 's why I 'm still alive in this suit even though 95 % of my original body is gone . " Tex , Vega , Prime and Dr . Oliver were hiding at the end of a hallway that split into two short dead end corridors , each leading to areas meant purely for maintenance proposes , having been forced to retreat from the unmanned combat suits . Tex pulled a pair of small submachine guns from their holsters , diving into the corridor , hitting the deck and shooting away until he ran out of ammo . He then rolled to the other side of the corridor and hid behind the other wall . " I should 've brought more ammo packs . " Vega turned to Dr . Oliver . " Oh , my goddess . It 's twenty years ago . My time machine worked ! " Turning to her old teammates shi said , " For the love of the goddess , were you two always this annoying or am I just that much older ? " Before anyone could answer there was a massive explosion down the hall and the sound of a strong energy weapon being fired , and then the weapons fire from the powered armor units ceased . The formerly trapped crew looked out from their hiding place to see Blackstar with a large minigun and Nightrose with her new staff weapon . " What 's up ? " asked Blackstar . Over the next day or so , Blackstar loaded several of hir childhood items , while other Blitz team members salvaged what few items they deemed still useful to them . Most of the equipment hadn 't been maintained for several decades , and most of the equipment was even older , the ship having been in service for decades with ship - to - ship firepower making up for its outdated technology . The age of the equipment meant that most of it would be incompatible with the Mystic 's more recent technology . However the generous finder 's fee for the Glorious Fox more than compensated for the lack of valuable spoils . It would be enough to make repairs to the Mystic and replace the aging Blade - class fighters . " The Fox took some bad damage so Starfox abandoned it , leaving already dead crew members on board . One of the on board robots was programmed to make those graves after landing , but there 's no data whatsoever on where shi went from there . I 'm back to square one . " " Look on the bright side , " said Nightrose . " At least shi wasn 't dead yet . Shi could still be out there . " Blackstar sighed and looked down as if to admit defeat . Before shi could say anything , Nightrose slapped hir . Blackstar looked dumbfounded . " Damn it , Blackstar , you better not say you 're going to give up or start being a big depressing ball of fluff because then you 're not the herm I mated with . Now you 're going to keep searching for your grandfather . " " No … there is no ' or else ' , " said Nightrose . " Now get optimistic again , put on a happy face , and come to bed and make sweet passionate love to me . Do you understand me ? " For the next two weeks , the Mystic underwent repairs . Meanwhile the slack was picked up by the three newly refitted freighters that had been captured some time ago . They had been converted into small carriers , some of the cargo space being converted into small hangers . Each ship had been rigged with a robotic pilot that could be controlled by the Mystic or commanded from the bridge of any one of the ships . The three ships had been named the Umbra , Penumbra and Antumbra . The heavily damaged bridge was completely replaced . The new bridge had the taur - form captain 's chair in the center , with the helm console directly to the front left and the tactical station directly to the front right , giving the captain an easy view of hir ship 's status . Secondary stations were along the bridge 's walls and could be easily reconfigured for most bridge operations such as sensors , engineering consoles , and environmental controls . The back wall had a video display that showed a map of the locations of all Blitz Team ships within communication range . The single front screen had been replaced by three view screens showing a front view by default , but each could be used for tactical information , ship status , or visual communications . Blackstar nodded in approval as shi inspected the new bridge . Shi sighed as shi sat down in the captain 's chair , hir belly now showing signs of being gravid . " Being pregnant sucks , " shi said to no one in particular . " Then why did you get pregnant ? " Blackstar 's fur stood on end as Sonar made herself visible . " I thought Chakats had better control over getting pregnant . " " Dammit , what did I tell you about sneaking up on me ? How do you do that anyway without doors opening ? Is there a big gaping vent or something ? " asked a glaring Blackstar . " And I didn 't know Sly could get me pregnant . Now could you say something to warn people when you sneak up on them ? " " And learn to use the stairs ! " Blackstar sighed and shook hir head . The former spy was helping with repairs , and when combined with her spy - like nature , she 'd taken to traveling around the ship through maintenance tubes , ventilation shafts , and crawlways . Sonar also preferred not to wear clothes around the ship as it compromised her camouflage abilities , making it impossible to track her . Although some of the non - empathic crew members were still cautious about her , most of the crew had gotten to know her the past few weeks and found that she was almost child - like in nature . " Layla was keeping an eye on you , monitoring how many calories you burned and whatnot . I usually just use the information to monitor the crew 's diet . Although you seem to have a personal grudge against that punching bag , " explained Carl . " Why exactly are you beating it for ? " " Barren ? " Sasha growled a bit . " That 's just the tip of the iceberg . Did you know I still have a standing contract to kill Blackstar ? " Carl was silent for almost a full minute before replying . " That may be the most unexpected thing you could possibly have said . Does Blackstar know about this ? " " I used to be a Star Fleet Marine , until the incident that cost me my . . . left me barren . After that I left the service , becoming a hired gun of sorts . I didn 't do too well as far as getting jobs though , eventually having to ask for my father 's help . He hired me to assassinate an old enemy of his : Blackstar . " Sasha glared at Carl . " Let me tell my story my way . Okay ? " Carl nodded a little sheepishly . " Good . Now let 's see , where were we ? Lost my ability to reproduce , turned mercenary , hired to kill Blackstar . . . ah right . Anyway me and Blackstar went at it for a bit , until shi got the upper hand . I should 've died , but instead of killing me , shi offered me a job . " Carl raised an eyebrow but didn 't say anything . " That 's the end of my story . " Carl gave her a smirk . " Riiiiiiight . Then the thought of Blackstar 's cock going inside Nightrose 's tight little pussy , their hot sweaty bodies intertwined . . . " " Shut up ! " Sasha was covering her ears and closing her eyes . She slowly opened one to find that Carl was smirking . " Okay , fine . I 'm in love with hir . So what ? " " Actually it 's only two regular companions . The rest are just really good friends . " Carl noticed Sasha glaring at him . " I 'm not helping am I ? " Sasha sighed . " It 's not that I want to push hir into something shi doesn 't want or anything like that . I guess it 's just that shi 's probably my best chance for a mate . No Rakshani male will find me a suitable mate . I can 't bear children , and my House has collapsed . " " Oh , right . Rakshani families often form official Houses . It usually a matter of prestige and whatnot . " Sasha looked out the window . " My house was once very prestigious , but it has slowly been losing power over several decades . My father wasted the last of our power and with most of our remaining members leaving for other Houses as fast as they could , we were at bare minimum for being a registered House . I was one of the last ones to stand by my father , but after I failed to kill Blackstar . . . well killing Blackstar would 've been my House 's last chance for redemption . When I failed , it was only a matter of time before it became official . " Sasha paused . " I have no children to bear , and no House , so that means no Rakshani mate . " " No , " said Sasha . " My choice to support my father despite the bad decisions he was making sort of put them off , to put it lightly . I could ask them for help but I don 't want it . I want to make it on my own . You know what I mean ? " " Lived it actually , " said Carl . " My wife and unborn child died a few years ago . The pity I received from my family drove me insane . " " That explains how you ended up here , " joked Sasha . Then she looked down ashamed of herself . " I 'm sorry that was rude of me . " Carl grinned . " It 's alright . I learned to not be consumed by it a long time ago . Of course the only one who seems to understand that is my sister , Tyria . She got me the job at the military base , and now here as a cook . But , sometimes I get lonely all by myself . " Carl smiled . " No . I 'm just saying that my shoulder will always be around for you to lean on if you want . And I 'll always keep a spot open in my bed should you want to share it . Birds of a feather should stick together and all that . Sometimes just sharing a bed for a snuggle can stave off the loneliness . " Carl paused while Sasha took it in . " Of course if you ever want more than a friendship , I certainly won 't object to trying . " Sasha stared out the window , listening as the doors closed behind the departing Quange . Thinking she was alone , she talked out loud . " He 's not even my species . Hell , he has four legs and is . . . what was it Serge joked about ? Ah , literally hung like a horse . Although that isn 't too much of a downside really . And he is about my age . I just don 't know why I 'm hesitating . " Sasha barely noticed as a song started playing over the gym 's PA . Her ears twitched as shi caught the last verse . Sonar thought about it before remembering . " Oh . . . warn people when I sneak up on them . Sorry . But I 've been observing this crew for weeks , and I know you and Carl are the perfect couple . . . other than the species thing . But when has that stood in the way of love ? Or pointless one night stands ? Look at Nightrose . She 's a Caitian , the Captain 's a Chakat . They couldn 't be any happier . " Sonar shrugged . Sasha nodded . " Hold my calls until further notice . " Sasha left the gym and made her way to Carl 's quarters . When he answered the door , she just said , " I 'm not sure what I want . " " Well typically when I visit someone 's quarters , I want to go in . Maybe stay for a bit , chat , see where it goes from there . " Carl gestured for her to come in and set the lock and comms for privacy mode . At some point , she wasn 't sure when exactly , Sasha had fallen asleep . When she woke up , she almost attacked the form next to her , just stopping in time as she realized it was Carl and that she was in his bedroom and that it would not be polite to kick his ass while she was a guest in his bed . She tripped as she tried to untangle herself from his sheets , landing with an unceremonial thud on his floor , waking him up . Finding his guest on the floor , Carl asked , " Are you alright ? Are you sore ? " " That 's two different questions entirely . And I just hurt my pride , " said Sasha . As she stood up , she couldn 't help but notice that he was giving her nude form a good looking over . She smiled as he realized he was staring and tried to look away as though he wasn 't guilty of anything . " I hope you don 't mind , but the Captain expects me to see hir off . " Carl nodded . " Of course . Feel free to use my shower , and help yourself to any of the shampoos , or I 'm sure Layla can transport yours down here " " Thank you . " Sasha made her way to his bathroom , finding the shower and bath to be massive compared to even the taur - sized shower that was standard for most rooms . " Hey , Carl , did you know your shower could clean a platoon of Rakshani ? " She heard Carl laugh in the next room . As Sasha tested out some of Carl 's personal care products and got cleaned up , shi reflected on the previous night . For the first time in years she had let herself go . She had all but given up on finding a man after her accident . But in none of her weirdest , wildest fantasies had she considered a Quange male for a mate . " I suppose there are benefits . He goes in knowing we can 't have kids even if I weren 't barren . And there is a certain attractive quality that I never realized . But best not to get my hopes up , just in case . " Sasha finished up with her shower and walked into the kitchen where she was met by the smell of freshly brewed coffee . Carl poured her a cup , " I thought you might want a little something to eat and drink . Got any requests ? " He noticed as Sasha hesitated and look away . " What 's wrong ? " " What you said last night , about trying to be more than friends , " started Sasha . " I thought maybe we could try it . It 's just that I haven 't been with someone in years and I 'd prefer if the rest of the crew didn 't know . " " Oh , thank goddess , " said Carl . " Don 't get me wrong , you 're a beautiful woman , it 's just that my sister might get upset about me getting over my wife like this or something stupid like that . They were pretty close actually . " Carl frowned . " Sometimes I thought too close . But anyway , we can keep it a secret for now . Better hurry up and eat if you 're going to see off the Captain . " Sasha couldn 't help grinning as she entered the Mystic 's hanger deck . The first to notice the grin was the youngest member , Trip who was helping Sky install the new dual - thrust vectoring system on the fighters . The smirking cub excused hirself and walked up to Sasha . With a grin , shi said , " I know that look from just about every time Sly spends the night with my sister when shi 's in heat . Someone had a good night . " " We 're talking about Sasha having some procreational recreation with herself , " said Trip . Sonar tilted her head in confusion . " She was making a night out of masturbating , " explained Trip . Trip snickered , " I think I 've seen that movie . " Sasha growled to catch their attention . " Oh oh , " said Trip . " I think we 're either dead on or dead wrong and she made a night out of masturbating . " Sasha sighed before interrupting the two . " What 's that Earth phrase Serge once used ? In for a penny in for a pound , whatever that 's supposed to mean . Me and Carl are having a relationship , and we are trying to keep it quiet for personal reasons . Now could both of you shut up about this ? " The two nodded . " Thank you . " Sasha shook her head and walked away . Trip thought about it for a moment before replying . " I guess you seem more child - like than the other adults . Not in that you act childish but that you seem . . . young I guess is the best way to describe it . How old are you anyway ? " " Oh ? So no childhood ? " Sonar shook her head in response . " I think I need to give you a few lessons in fun then . Follow me ; I have an idea . " Sonar was confused by the child 's attitude but decided to play along anyway . Less than an hour later , Blackstar blushed as a farting sound came out from under hir . Shi leaped up and saw a pink balloon like object labeled " whoopee - cushion " . Blackstar was certain that wasn 't there when shi went to lay down . Shi held up the whoopee - cushion and said , " The irony of the name is that it actually makes it less likely for whoopee to happen . Now who did this ? " Sasha looked back from the tactical station at the front of the bridge and shrugged . Looking back at Serge who was behind the map display at the back of the bridge , Blackstar found him shrugging . Neither of them were fast enough to get to get the device under hir and back before shi had looked around the bridge . " Well items don 't just appear out of thin air do they ? " " Ah … good point , " said Blackstar . Blackstar was about to ask for the last usage of the transporter , as that would narrow down who put the whoopee - cushion under hir , when shi was interrupted by the communication panel . Serge ran to the panel and checked . " Looks like we 're getting a request for a job . The QDF wants us to participate in a massive escort mission . They 're calling up every mercenary squadron in the sector . So far they 've gotten yeses from Mobius Squadron , the Alpha Cats , Black Eagle Squadron , The Black Diamond Corp . and the El Dorado Gang . They say that our fee has already been approved . " Serge nodded and began typing the reply . " Aye aye , Captain . " Sasha approached the captain . " Why are we lying to them about the ship status , and why aren 't we sending in our best ship ? " " Don 't you think it 's odd that every mercenary force is being called up for a mission that takes them out of range of Quenxel ? " asked Blackstar . " Especially when that terrorist group known as the Grey Knights has become more and more active . Snowfall told me that a high - ranked member of the Knights is inside the government . This could be part of their plan to pull every military force they can away from Quenxel , which means they have something planned to happen here . Hopefully we can handle whatever they 've got , at least long enough for reinforcements to arrive . " Five days later a massive fleet comprising of hundreds of ships and fighters , left escorting a classified cargo aboard a fast cargo ship that was not noteworthy in any other way . Three of those vessels were the three robotic escort carriers that the Blitz Team had , with fighters and crews from other groups temporarily taking shelter aboard them . This left the Mystic , her small complement of fighters , and a handful of fighters of the Quenxel Defense Force as the planet 's only possible defense . Three days later , the call for General Quarters was sounded on the Mystic as a new threat was made against the planet . All fighters were launched , but not all would return . What is this new threat ? Will the Blitz team keep rising to the challenges set before them ? Join us next time as the Blitz Team fights in their largest battle yet where they fight the greatest threat they 've yet to meet … and where one of them will die . |
Zack is so weird . He wanted to earn some money so I told him he could dust the basement for . 50 . Then he said : " can I clean up the dog poo in the yard instead ? " For fifty cents ? Hell ya ! On Saturday Dec 2nd , we were all a little stir crazy and Daisy needed to get to bed early so I told Steve I was taking Zack on a date . We have talked about how we need to spend more one on one time with him but we always feel guilty leaving the other spouse at home . I told Zack to get ready we were going on a date . He asked what we were doing and I said it was a surprise because I really didn 't have a plan and figured we could look at some Christmas lights and do a little shopping . He seemed excited . When Zack went to get in the car , I told him to sit up front with me . ( Don 't leave me any comments about how it 's unsafe , the airbag turns off automatically if a certain weight is in the seat and I know he is safer in the back seat but this was a once in a blue - moon - thing . ) Zack was excited and said " Well that 's how it should be on a date ! " I asked him what we should do and he didn 't know so I asked him if we should go to a movie . He said no because that would be wasting all our time and it was getting late . Ha ! So I told him we would go see some Christmas lights . We drove over to my brothers neighborhood where there is a house with about 50 huge blow - up Christmas decorations all over the house , yard and in the trees . It 's so hideous it 's cool ! We sat in front of the house and commented on all the decor for quite a while . Next I decided we would go to the house in Murray that has all the lights all over it and you tune your radio to a station that plays music which is synchronized with the light show . It 's really cute and we usually go every year . It was quite a hit and Zack and I enjoyed the show . Next we were off to Christmas Street in the Harvard Yale area . Boo . It has gotten quite lame over the years and we were not that impressed . But we had fun talking while we drove all over the city . On the way home we stopped to get ice cream at the Sub Zero shop . They make your ice cream from scratch right before your eyes . You pick a flavor and add - ins , they put those with cream and sugar in a metal bowl and then they shoot liquid nitrogen into the bowl and freeze it up soft , medium or hard . You pick . We loved watching it freeze and our creations were delish . Zack ordered egg nog flavor with butterscotch syrup and recess pieces . It was actually pretty good . On Sunday morning we were walking into church and Zack turned to me and said " I had a really fun time on our date last night . " Success ! What a cute boy , I love him to pieces ! Zack had a fun Christmas I think . He got a Halo figure toy from Santa along with a portable speaker for his I - pod . He also got some video games and the family got some games to share . He was also happy to see that mom and dad were given an I - pad by Santa and he now begs to play on it and buy games all the time , much to mom 's annoyance since it is her toy . From mom and dad he got several nerf guns and nerf accessories , and some books . ______________________________________________ Every year Zacks school has a spelling bee fundraiser . There are 50 words and we get our family to pleadge an amount for every word he gets correct . This is the 3rd year ( out of 3 ) that he has gotten all 50 correct ! He works hard to memorize them and has a great mind for it ! Zack recently earned his Wolf badge in scouts . We have some great leaders and Steve has done a good job helping him get all of his requirements done . Posted by Daisy is getting bigger and smarter and cuter every day ! We can 't believe how smart she is . Here is what she has been up to lately : I may have mentioned that Daisy hasn 't slept well since we got home . I started her on Magnesium supplements about a month ago and although it helped a little , it wasn 't enough . I had an appointment with her pediatrician soon after I started that and I took a list of labs I wanted drawn . He consented to do them , although I am sure he didn 't think it was necessary . There was a whole slew of tests and only two turned out to be a problem . She has low iron ( which can contribute to bad sleeping ) and she was positive for H . Pylori bacteria in her gut . I had noticed that she seemed to be refluxing the past 2 weeks at night and having stomach aches , so that was probably why . The doctor ordered two antibiotics and prevacid . She is almost done with the 2 week coarse and she has slept through the night the past 5 nights ! I hope we have found the cure to our sleeping woes ! Hopefully it lasts ! She loves to eat pencil erasers and crayons . No writing utensil is safe from her ! She has recently gotten really picky about eating . In fact she rarely wants to eat a meal and just prefers to snack . It makes me crazy because I 'm so worried about her growing and being healthy . She mostly wants cereal , cheese , milk , juice , crackers and any junk food she can find . She recently discovered pop corn and lovingly calls it " pop pop " . She is developing quite an attitude lately . She loves to sternly say " no ! " to any question we ask her . Especially if I ask her if she has a poopy diaper , it 's always " no ! " One thing she doesn 't say no to is when we ask if she loves us . Soon after my last post where I said she shakes her head no to that question , she started shaking her head yes ! Ever since then she has always said yes . If you tell her you love her she says : " Love you " in her cute little voice . When she gives kisses she says " mah " . Daisy now has about 50 words or phrases that she says . The pediatrician couldn 't believe her language skills considering she has only heard English for about 5 1 / 2 months . She loves to talk on the phone and the other day she had a complete conversation with Steve . She said , " Hello ? Hi dada . Bye bye " , at all the appropriate times . She can turn anything into a phone ( just like Zack used to turn everything into a gun when he was little ) and walks around the house " talking " . The other day I set her on her newly laundered changing table pad . She pointed at it and said " poople " . Then she pointed at her crib bedding and said " poople " . These items are all lavender in color . Little smartie ! Now we just need to get her to identify the other colors and she 'll be ready for kindergarten ! Zack continues to be an awesome big brother and can make her laugh like nobody else can . I 'll have to remember to get it on video ! She loves to go into his room and " steal " things . I usually find them in her mouth . She also loves to tear up his Poke Mon cards and his books which makes him really mad . Last month was Halloween and Daisy was a fairy . The Saturday before Halloween our church had a trunk or treat so we got the kids dressed up and went . She seemed fine during the party , although she was a little scared of some of the decorations . That night she didn 't sleep much , and I slept even less ! After that , I decided we needed to keep Halloween really low key so we sent Zack trick or treating with some of his friends and we went to Auntie Lori 's Halloween party and ate soup and treats . Luckily there were not too many strangers at her party and Daisy didn 't get to overstimulated . She slept better that night . I am surprised that a baby her age would know what " scary " is , but she does . Daisy with Grandpa A at Auntie Lori 's Halloween party Speaking of scared , lately she has been really sensitive to sounds around the house . If someone knocks on the door she cowers in fear . At my mom 's house if she hears the sounds that houses sometimes make , she jumps into my moms arms and cries . I 'm not sure where this all the sudden came from , hopefully it 's just a phase . Daisy is always busy . Busy destroying something , eating something , climbing something , or doing a " job " . She is constantly getting into cupboards and drawers and " organizing " them . The other day she felt like a good place for my silicone oven mitt would be the toilet . I found it floating in there at the end of the day . One day she passed out water bottles to everyone . She is also very good at throwing things in the garbage . My poor oven mitt . I almost sent it to the garbage . ( Don 't judge me by my disgusting toilet , we had some gastro problems right before this ! ) Daisy has recently gotten very good at blowing her nose . I only mention it because I remember being frustrated that Zack couldn 't blow his nose until he was quite a bit older ( I swear he was at least 3 or 4 ) and I hated him having a snotty nose and no way to get it out . She blows like a champ ! I think she 's quite advanced . Daisy continues to love her baths and love drinking the bath water . She has discovered that she can recline against the back of the tub and she loves to just chill in this position . She also begs to play with shaving cream ! As of about a month ago , Daisy didn 't really care if we left her somewhere . We stayed with her in the nursery at church because we felt like we shouldn 't leave her for attachment purposes . Well , as soon as we decided she was doing well enough to be left , we tried it and she was not having it ! So each week at church Steve and I take turns staying in the nursery with her . We are happy to do it and happy that she wants us to stay ! We have been able to leave her with a baby sitter at our house a couple of times and she has done really well . I think she feels secure in her own home . On November 5th , Steve was able to give Daisy a name and a blessing at church . She was really good and didn 't make a peep . It was a really nice blessing , which I tried to write down but Steve was talking so fast I don 't think I got it all . He will try to remember and write it all out based on my notes . I hope he can so we can have it for her baby book . Blessing Day On November 19th , we were able to go as a family to the Draper temple and be sealed together . We kept it really small with just our immediate family there . Daisy was good up until the ceremony and then she wanted Steve to hold her ( at a point when he couldn 't ) and so she screamed like crazy . The sealer talked really loud and fast and I tried not to laugh . She was so mad ! Luckily it 's a fast ceremony and so it was a short tantrum and then Steve picked her up and she was happy . It was a really nice day and we are grateful for our families and their support and love and for the gospel of Jesus Christ . Zack and Daisy had to get out some of their energy after having to be so reverent for so long ! On both days Daisy wore a beautiful white outfit that we bought in China . I was able to take her to get her portrait done with the dress on and the pictures turned out really nice . I don 't know if I can post them because of copy write issues though . Things are really settling down , especially since we are getting a little more sleep and are able to get out on a date once in a while . We are enjoying Daisy and her spunk and are so happy to have her be ours . We love her to pieces ! Sometimes Daisy needs a little " time - out " . I stay right by her so it 's more like a time - in and lasts about 45 seconds . When she is done she says " sorry " ! ( She really only gets a time out when she starts destroying something , we ask her to stop and she looks at us and does it anyway ! ) The other night I put Zack to bed and before I could get downstairs to watch my shows I heard him start to cry . I went back in to ask him what was wrong and he basically told me he felt bad for dad . I asked why and the gist of it was that Zack felt like he had been neglecting his dad and not spending enough time with him because he was busy with other stuff like playing with friends . I assured him that his dad was OK and knows that Zack loves him . I encouraged him to make sure and thank Steve for all the nice things he does for Zack . He is so cute and tender hearted ! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - This summer we decided it would be fun to put Zack in tackle football . We had no idea what we were in for ( at least I didn 't ) , and the commitment that this would be for our whole family . Practice started at the beginning of August and was 5 days a week , every night from 6 - 8 . Missing a practice was out of the question , it 's just not done . Steve took Zack to every practice and stayed for moral support . I thought he was being a little overbearing until I went to a practice and witnessed the spectacle myself . If a kid is late , he runs . If he makes a mistake , he runs and sometimes the whole team has to run with him . The coaches yelled ( I mean the kind of yelling where you loose your voice ) at and berated the kids constantly . On the first practice of the season , 2 kids puked . These are 8 and 9 year old kids . When school started , practice changed to 3 nights a week with games on Saturdays . Steve and I didn 't really see each other much because he would come home and go straight to practice . Also , we didn 't end up eating dinner until about 8 : 30 every night . The stress level in our house was already really high due to having a new baby who was always sick and not sleeping and this just tipped the scales even farther . I was not happy . But . . . Steve and Zack had some really great bonding over this experience . I think it was really good for Zack to learn discipline and really be immersed in something he couldn 't just quit when the going got tuff . And it was really tuff ! There were about 24 players on the team . There were about 8 kids who didn 't get much play time at all and Zack was once of those , although he was on a special team ( kick off return ) so he got a little more time than the others . Zack worked really hard and in the last game of the season they let him have a starting position ( on the corner , playing defense ) . At the end of season awards banquet the coaches said something nice about each team member . They said that Zack was the most improved player of the year by far . He started off a little slow but worked hard anOur handsome boy ! While we were in Japan and China , we ran across a lot of funny signs . Some had been translated to make no sense and some were just plain funny . We tried to take pictures of the best ones , here they are . Typical garbage can in China , sometimes they even talk to you . Glad to see they take recycling seriously , although I suspect they just separate it like this so that the people who dig through the garbage 's with their tongs will have an easier time of finding what they want . You would HATE to come across ORGANISM while looking for bottles to recycle ! This cute baby has been keeping me a ) too tired to blog and b ) too busy to blog . We are all still adjusting to having The Energizer Bunny Daisy join our family , but I think we are finally in the toddler groove . We all love her to pieces and can 't stop kissing her , much to her annoyance . She has grown and developed so much in almost 4 months of being home , it is amazing ! Like I said in my last post , she has understood almost everything we say since about 2 weeks after she came to us . She will shake her head yes or no for most things we ask her . She follows commands like , " Go put the book in your room " , or " Put it in the garbage " , and much more . She is also happy to pick up the messes she makes and wipe up her own spills ! I know that won 't last so I 'm milking it while I can . One thing I am not sure she understands is when we ask her if she loves mama or dada , she shakes her head NO ! vigorously . I would like to think she doesn 't know what we 're talking about but I have a feeling she does since we tell her we love her while kissing and hugging her . It 's kind of sad but I have to remember that if someone replaced my family ( a foster family but the only family she knew ) with a new family out of the blue , without any warning it would sure as heck take me more than 4 months to love those new people ! We are happy to give her time and we are not worried because she is a happy baby , loves to laugh at our antics and seems to generally enjoy life . She will also give us kisses when we ask her , most of the time . : ) She has recently really started talking , has quite a few words she uses spontaneously and will try to imitate almost any word we ask her to say . These are the words she now says by herself : mama , dada , Zack , Daisy , grandma , ball , up , down , out , car , baby , ouch , flower , sock , ah oh , don 't touch , all gone , peek - a - boo , book , Jesus , doggie , fish , birdie , bye bye , cracker , trick or treat ( when we tell her to ) . The other day I went to get in the car and wondered out loud where my keys were . I set Daisy down and ran to lookWhen Daisy first met us , she would eat anything and everything . She took bottles from me and I fed her baby food with a spoon . Slowly she has stopped the bottles , will only take a sippy cup or straw and she will not allow us to feed her . She has to do it herself and she likes to use a spoon . This makes for one messy baby ! She goes through at least 2 outfits per day and could use 2 baths a day but I just give her a lot of good wipe downs . She has become a bit pickier and loves junk food , especially Cheetos and chocolate milk and loves Grandpa Rodgers because he sneaks her chocolate ! She also has a great love for Simpson 's kibble . So gross ! She does not like beef , avocado , cottage cheese and fruit , except apples and bananas . She 's just getting started on the mess ! Miss Daisy is super active . She is going , going all day long . She LOVES being twirled , thrown , tossed , dropped and caught , and turned upside down . She also jumps off heights into our arms ( sometimes when we are least expecting it ) and loves " jumping " on the tramp . She recently started doing somersaults ! If she finds Zack 's Razor scooter , she tries to ride it , but it is too heavy for her and falls to the ground taking her with it . She enjoyed going to the pool all summer long and asked to ride the water slides at the water park . She loves water and if she finds the garden hose running or the sprinklers on she is soaked within a minute . Since she loves water so much we have to keep Simpson 's water dish outside . A few times she has gotten to it and dumped it all over the kitchen floor , then she slips and falls down repeatedly while trying to escape her mama 's high pitched " NOOOOOOOO ! " , which then makes mama laugh hysterically . ( I know it 's mean to laugh at a falling down baby but it is seriously funny to see her soaking wet , slipping and sliding all over the kitchen with such a guilty look on her face . ) She also loves to climb things . She climbs onto the kitchen table , tried to climb the deck railing , climbs ladders , and once climbed the stove ! Luckily it wasn 't on but the oven door opened and threw her to the ground ! She tried it once more but I was able to stop her in time . So far she has not tried to climb out of her crib , but I expect it any day . One night Zack volunteered to get Daisy ready for bed . Changed her diaper , put her in her jammies and read her a story . It was awesome ! Daisy loooooves Zack . Probably because he is the best brother ever . He plays with her all the time , carries her around on piggy back , makes her laugh , reads to her , takes her outside to play and he has even happily changed her diaper ! When he is home she follows him around and tries to steal toys from his room but he always catches her and gets the toys back because they are choking hazards and he is a good brother like that . He has never said a negative thing about having a new sister or loosing a big portion of our attention . It makes Steve and I so happy to see them together . Lovin the piggy back ride Daisy is not a good sleeper . She doesn 't like to fall asleep and it can take 30 - 60 minutes to get her down at night . We have to rock her to sleep and she fights it every step of the way . Once she is asleep she might wake up anywhere from 3 to 12 times . When she wakes we have to go in and pat her , but sometimes we have to rock her back to sleep , sometimes she is just awake for an hour or two . Sometimes I sleep on an air mattress on the floor of her room so I can say " shhh " every time she cries . She just really needs to know we are there . We have tried having her sleep with us but that is just not going to work for any of us . Letting her " cry it out " is not an option . If you want to know why , you will need to go read a book on attaching to an adopted post - institutionalized child . I can recommend a few if you 're interested . : ) We are trying magnesium supplements , I will report on how that works out . The good news is she naps well , 2 - 3 hours in the mornings , which sometimes allows me to nap too . She has been sick quite a bit . When she came to us in China she had a terrible cough / cold . It started to go away but returned when we got home . Then she got 4 molars . Then she got an ear infection . Then she got Hand - Foot - and - Mouth disease . She has been on 3 antibiotics in less than 4 months . I hope we can keep her well for a while , but winter is coming . Sigh . Ready to go ! A few other tid bits : She is getting better at riding in the car and can last about 45 minutes before she gets too antsy . She likes to chastise Simpson . I think we need to model better behavior for her ! She loves putting on shoes and walking around , even if they don 't fit or have wheels on them ! She enjoys watching cartoons in the morning with a cup of dry cereal and a sippy of milk . This gives mom time to wake up and become functional . ( Who am I kidding , I 'm not functional until at least noon . ) Future roller derby girl ! Daisy has been saying mama and dada since we got home and we assumed she was referring to us but now I am not so sure because of something that happened about a week ago . We were sitting in the rocker , getting ready for a nap and she looked at me and said " mama ? " and I said " yes , I 'm your mama . " She got this look on her face like she had had a revelation and then said " mama ! " Ever since then she pats me and says " mama ! " all the time and does the same to her dada . It makes me sad and happy all at the same time . I hope she will be happy with us as her family . We are so happy to have her as our daughter and sister and love her so much ! Today was the longest day of travel I have ever experienced . We were at the airport by 8 : 30 , for our flight to leave at 11 : 00 am . We had some time to kill so ate breakfast and shopped for some candy . Our flight was 12 hours long to San Francisco . Many have asked how the baby did . She did amazingly well considering how boring 12 hours stuck on some one 's lap is . She fell asleep right before take off and slept maybe 2 hours and was awake the rest of the flight ! Yikes ! I had hoped she would sleep longer . She ate food , played with toys , climbed up my body and waved at everyone behind us , walked the aisles and stopped to talk to anyone who was awake , waved at everyone and smiled her charming smile . She also ripped up all the magazines , threw toys , and screamed really loud ( but no tantrums thank goodness ) . Luckily they fed us a lot so she was happy about that . I did not sleep a wink . Our plane arrived in San Fran around 10 : 00 am and we had a 5 hour layover to look forward too although to us it was really like midnight and we all just wanted our beds . We made it through customs and immigration and then took Daisy outside to step on U . S . soil and officially become and American citizen . Steve wanted to take the BART into the city and see some stuff which made my mom , Zack and I want to cry . So we didn 't . Instead we got into the security line so we could go find our gate and wait out our now 4 hours . While coming through security they made me wake up Daisy who was finally asleep in the carrier strapped to me so she could go through security in my arms instead of strapped to me with fabric . Isn 't that what x - ray is for ? ! Whatever ! Then they " randomly " pulled Zack aside to PAT HIM DOWN . But , they made him wait in this glass box until the official groper could come do his thing . He was clearly terrified and I tried to pantomime to him that it was OK but I could see the tears forming . They finally did their thing and we were through , Steve gathering up all our many items , all of us trying to put our shoes back on , me holding a baby not in a sling , trying to keep her asleep and trying to comfort poor Zack who was still terrified and now wailing and shaking in fear . I have never been so livid . I had to spend some time reassuring Zack that he had not done anything wrong and that they were all a * * holes . Allowing an innocent , sleep deprived , 8 year old child to be terrorized in the name of security does not give me comfort while flying . It makes me never want to take my child on a plane again . After this trauma , we staked out a table near our gate and tried to rest . About 2 minutes after I sat down , Daisy woke up . Great . We spent the next 4 hours chasing her through the airport as she tried to meet strangers , eat anything on the ground , poop her pants , and scream bloody murder . It was awesome . I was so tired I think I was hallucinating . Zack slept on the bench at the table for most of it . Finally , we boarded our plane bound for home . I think Daisy was asleep on Steve but I don 't remember because I immediately fell asleep with my head in my lap and was only roused when the plane landed at 5 : 00 PM . Did you know sleeping hunched over like that for 2 hours really hurts once you get up ? I had a headache of migraine proportions and my whole body ached . Death would have been a welcome relief . But , there was no time to die . Luggage had to be gathered and we had to get home . My cute sister Ally and my dad picked us up at the airport and Ally had a darling candy basket and balloons . We got into our car and had a nice quiet drive home without any near death experiences on the road . What a welcome change that was . When we got into our house it was clear we had had a home invasion ! My cute friends in our neighborhood had come and decorated our house with tons of balloons and streamers and posters to welcome us home . They has also brought dinner for that evening and lots of good food to eat the next week and a gift bag full of stuff for Zack . I almost cried ! Our other friends , the C family were perfect to think of Zack and they left him a darling candy gram poster . It was so nice and we have the best friends and families who are always so caring and supportive ! Thank you all ! |
There was no cooking tonight . I 'm probably not going to cook again until Friday night . Tomorrow we are going to Ben 's brothers house for chili . I wanted to give Ben 's mom a rest since she has really been in the kitchen helping me quite a bit . We went to church , then out to dinner , and to see a park with a bunch of lights . It was really great . Today Ben 's mom gave me a mini - makeover , and I really enjoyed how she did my eyes . She said that my eyes and cheekbones are my most prominent and best features . I 'm ready for 2009 ! Spinach and Bacon Pasta Toss : Easy Potato Bake : The Pineapple Casserole : ( See recipe in post below ) The food turned out really good . I was certainly pleased . One big thing I need to work on is timing . It has been easy with the timing because Ben 's mom is so good at making that happen . I know this will be an issue on my own . I talked with Ben tonight about something that he has been doing that makes me feel self - conscious . He keeps rubbing my middle area and grabbing that area . It is always done in a loving - flirting - romantic way . I told him that it made me self - conscious because it was an area of my body that I could not fix without having surgery . He reassured me that he loves my body , and likes every bit of me . Wow . . . I am so blessed ! Pineapple Casserole2 ( 16 oz ) cans of pineapple tidbits / chunks ( drained ) 1 cup of sugar1 cup grated cheddar cheese ( medium ) 3 / 4 cup of flourTopping : 1 stack Ritz crackers1 stick of butterMix first four ingredients . Pour into a greased casserole dish . Cruble Ritz crackers . Mix with melted butter on top . Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes . I 'm really going to have to reign in after I get back from North Carolina ! Yikes ! I am having a whole lot of carbs . Right now I am making these recipes with regular pasta . When I start making recipes back in Kentucky , I 'll only be using the Dreamfields pasta . I am eating regular whole wheat bread here , while in Kentucky I eat low carb bread . It is little things like that that I think ( know ) are really adding up . I made dinner tonight for Ben 's family ! Wooo Hoooo ! I am using the Kraft Foods Website to find recipes to start off . The recipes are not that complicated , and for now , I think it is a perfect match for me . First I made Parmesan - Bacon Spinach Salad . The main dish was Spaghetti Bake . I added pepperoni to it because many of the commenters said they added it , and it really complimented the dish . I am trying to decide what I am going to cook for tomorrow night . My goal is to cook each night , until we go back to Kentucky . Once back in Kentucky , my goal is to make a new dish each week . I am not big on making New Year 's Resolutions . I have one firm resolution that I want to make for the 2009 year . I need to learn how to cook . Lucky for you readers that Ben and I will be the main guinea pigs for consuming these dishes . I am not setting out to make grand dishes , but learn some basic quick dishes that I can eat on throughout the week . I am thinking along the lines of casseroles , soups , etc . I am going to need some accountability for this process . I am going to post pictures and recipes of the dishes that I make . I cannot promise that they will all be low - calorie . I am going for dishes that will first and foremost be DS friendly . Yet , I will be venturing out as well , since I am more in the weight loss maintaining mode . I know I need to learn how to do this , and I am looking forward to the opportunity to try . Well , it is time for the weight loss advertisements to fill our screens . I watched one on Slim - Fast this evening . I will NEVER use this product , even if I need to drop the pounds . They showed a woman on there who was a very healthy BMI , and she was their subject of losing weight . While I realize their primary target is for people who need to lose 10 - 15 pounds , this is ridiculous . I found a new love this evening : cranberry salad . It was mixed with several things . I was so excited to try this . One thing that I 've been proud of myself on this trip is that I 've not been focusing on eating desserts , I have had much more complex carbs . I 'm ok with that right now . ( Of course that is easy to say since I don 't have easy access to a scale . ) Happy 21 Months Post - Op to me ! : ) I don 't really have anything exciting to report . My weight has maintained at 140 . I have pretty much been able to eat what I want . ( I always follow the protein first mantra though ! ) I decided that finishing the rest of Season 3 of 24 was more important than packing , so I must do that ASAP now . I will be posting more once I am in North Carolina . Sorry for so many short posts lately . I need to pack ! We leave in the morning for North Carolina . I haven 't packed anything . ( Hmmm , starting to be a trend here ! ) Today was full of good times with relatives . It was so weird hearing people call me skinny today . I loved it ! I hope everyone enjoyed the time with their family . Losing weight is hard . Gaining weight is hard . Maintaining is hard . Pick your hard . ( Note : This was a comment on a blogger 's post . The commenter was anonymous , so I do not have anyone to give credit to . ) Ben says the sweetest things to me . He was just staring at me and says , " Look at this perfect ear . Wait , it is attached to a perfect face , and that face is attached to a perfect body . " I have a man who thinks that I have a perfect body . Seriously , I NEVER thought I would hear those words coming from a man 's mouth . That is a WOW in and of itself ! : ) Nothing of note going on right now . Ben and I had my family Christmas gathering last night . I had a really good time at that . Today we went to Christmas Eve candlelight service , and then to a buffet at a local restaurant . The food was so good ! Ben and I exchanged Christmas gifts . We had bought gifts for students in my class , so our gifts were very small but meaningful . Ben makes things out of coat hangers , and he made me a really pretty basket . He filled it with stuff from Bath and Body Works , along with my favorite Sugar Free Dove Dark Chocolates ( with Mint ) , and Buckeyes from Cracker Barrel . He seemed to really like my gift as well . Merry Christmas to all ! : ) My electric blanket is calling my name . Every since I have completed college , and started teaching , I 've gone to holiday events ALONE . I never seemed to be dating anyone around the holidays . Easter and Thanksgiving are not that bad , but Christmas was always the " toughest " one for me . I 'm not talking about going to extended relatives homes , but my own family . Since you know how much I struggle with my dad 's side of the family , that statement may come as a shock . Here has been the scene for the past seven years at my parent 's home at Christmas . . . my sister and her husband ( now her ex , so she brings the guy she lives with ) , my brother with his girlfriend who later became his wife , and me sitting with my parents . Everybody is enjoying the time together , but they all have their significant other , except me . Talk about feeling like a third wheel , every year I felt this way . Finally , this year , I get to bring my significant other ! Ben gets to come to my family 's Christmas . I am so excited to have him there by my side . It has been a long time coming , and I 'm going to enjoy my turn ! A trip back in time : December 21st , 2007 I weighed 215 pounds ! It feels good going to Christmas this year with 75 pounds less on my body ! I have nothing to do today until 4 : 30 this afternoon . Life is good . My weight is maintaining , and that makes me very happy . I am going to veg out and watch a bunch of episodes of 24 . I am addicted to this show . Talks are starting to get serious between Ben and I as far as considering marriage . This has me thinking about my weight . I am happy with my weight where it is , but if Ben does ask me to get married , I would like to lose at least ten more pounds . I am only getting married one time , and I want to look beyond sensational for my wedding photos ! Here is the thing , I know that Ben loves me exactly how I look , so it is not any pressure from him . It is just me , acting like any other ( potential ) bride to be , wanting to lose a few pounds before her wedding day . One thing is for certain , my dress will have SLEEVES on it ! There is also the issue of when I will tell Ben 's family about my DS . Ben says that choice is completely up to me . He doesn 't care if I tell them or not . I think at some point I will want to tell them and clear the air . They already know I have lost a lot of weight . When Ben and I first started dating , he had commented to his mom about the loose skin by my arms . Ben 's mom told Ben 's sister - in - law , and she said , " That means that she has lost a lot of weight . " It is not an issue right now , because I know I am not telling them over Christmas break . My MRI went fine today . It wasn 't a big deal at all . I also have decided that Ben is right . I can fall asleep anywhere under almost any circumstance . I fell asleep during my MRI , with those loud noises . The guy was funny saying , " Sorry I had to wake you up . " : ) I was thinking about why I had never had an MRI / CT Scan done before . I 've suffered with migraines for a long time . I had very good doctors who were truly seeking a way for me to find some relief . I have decided that the doctors were too " kind " to tell me that I was too big for an MRI . I was looking at that machine , and there would have been no way I could have gotten in it as a pre - op . The weight limit on the machine was 300 pounds . Weight limit aside , just judging by the width , I could not have fit in it . I won 't forget when I was having trouble with my left ankle ( I broke it in 1998 ) back in 2005 . I went to a specialist , who wanted to take some special pictures of it . The lady looked at my weight and said I couldn 't lay on the table , because I could possibly break it . I was so mortified . I had to sit in a chair and contort by body so that the proper x - rays could be taken . Now I 'm going to catch a short nap before afternoon festivities begin . Ok , it is early . . . . and this post is going to be weird in general , but here goes . I was the fattest girl in middle and high school . I can only imagine that quite a few times a phrase something along this line was uttered , " Well , at least you aren 't as big as Tiffany . " Healing how I view myself is really taking some work . I joined Facebook a few months back . I like it much better than MySpace , and it is great to what is going on in the lives of former high school and college classmates . In high school and college I used to look at some of these thin girls and put them up on a pedestal . I 've been looking at quite a few of the pictures of people lately . I 've noticed several things . 1 . Many of them aren 't really that small . They simply looked so small because of how huge I was . 2 . I can tell that many of them have struggled with their weight as well . ( People post pictures of themselves over the years , not just currently . ) 3 . I have compared myself to them , and I realize that I 'm not that much different looking than they are . ( I have pulled up a picture of me and put it side by side on the computer of some of the friends I have on Facebook . ) I still have a problem with the images I see on my camera . At almost 21 months post op , I can still look at a picture and go , " Wow . . . is that me ? " People around me are starting to get acclimated to how I look . I like that . I like that the first subject brought up is not , " How much weight have you lost now ? " Speaking of Facebook , I got a private message from a girl I knew in high school asking how I had lost the weight , and that she was happy for me . She was a very sweet girl , so I will be responding to it soon . : ) I 'm not one to run to the doctor about everything , but since having the DS , I have realized the importance of staying on top of everything health wise . My stomach is really hurting me . This has been happening for the past several days . It is painful to eat much , even basics like soups . I 'm giving it until Tuesday morning , and if I 'm not better I am going to my PCP . I got my hair done today , and I feel so much better . The wedding was beautiful , and I had a great time with Ben . The mental war was FIERCE at the reception . I was really comparing myself to the other girls . It was to the point where it was affecting my enjoyment of the reception . I also had a bit of a crying spell afterwards because of " missing " Ben . I 've been able to see Ben a lot ( and will be over the next few days ) , but we are not getting to do a lot of things alone . I like hanging out with others , but I need my one on one time with Ben . at I am officially on winter break . I had a good day with my students yesterday . Last night I watched the boys from Canada . I am getting ready to go get my hair cut and highlighted . I was going to try to " rough " it out until I was able to go the the fancy place , but that won 't be until February 6th . I can 't rough it that long , I will go crazy . I love Banana Scream protein shakes . I found sugar - free strawberry syrup last night . I am looking forward to adding strawberry to the mix this morning . I sometimes think that people are waiting for former SSMO people to return to their previous weight . I guess that statistically most people do . I just feel that some people see me through a different lens . I love that there are some people at my job who don 't know that I used to be fat . I don 't worry about my actions as much around these people than I do others . Last night my mom said that I could probably wear fit into her wedding dress . I laughed at my mom , thinking she weighed about 80 pounds when she got married . She said she weighed around 120 . When I told her my weight , she didn 't believe me . She made me get the scale and show it to her ! : ) Sleeping last night with the electric blanket was heaven . This will be a staple at my house for the rest of winter . I keep my heat cranked anyway , since I have low utility bills . Pasta Queen was talking on her blog about being addicted to food . There are some days that I feel the same way . For example , yesterday we had breakfast provided at our school . I was not hungry , but I wondered into the lounge " just to see " what they had . Even though I wasn 't hungry , I ended up having one piece of toast and jelly . I knew better than to even go into the lounge , yet I did . Ok , seriously have to kick it into high gear and get to work . Happy days to you all ! I never seem to have enough of it ! ( Yet , who really does ? ) I went to my mom 's house tonight to work on scrapbooking things for Christmas gifts . We got three of them done , and one more is in the works . I just got in a few minutes ago . I am letting my electric blanket warm up as I blog . I am excited to get under the covers very soon ! Eating is not going so hot . The scale is UP . Not a big up , but any UPs worry me . I know I am making some crappy choices , and I am not pleased with myself for doing that . Tomorrow night is my students big ballroom dance performance . They are very excited about the performance , and I know it will be a big hit . I am so proud to be a part of this . Tired . . . need sleep ! I 'm waiting on Ben to get here . We are going to take one of my students out Christmas shopping . This boy is so precious , and I 'm delighted that we can be a blessing to him . Pictures tonight ! ! ! : ) I had a piece of cake last night with cream cheese frosting . Where has this stuff been all my life ? It was HEAVEN ! ! ! Remember how I ate at the place on Friday night that was heaven , but I couldn 't recall the name ? It is Calistoga . Even better . . . they do have one in Louisville ! : ) Last night , after we went to a party , Ben and I went there . I remembered that there was a new restaurant in an area we frequent , but I couldn 't remember the name of it . I was so excited when I saw what it was ! I am so thrilled because there is NO GED classes this week . I get to come home at a decent hour . Woot ! ! ! Ok , time to get ready for work . I had such a great time with my two best friends in Lexington last night and today . I was pretty tired in the morning , even thinking of canceling , but by the afternoon I was pumped and excited to be heading out of town . I tried on two really nice dresses at the Talbots Outlet Store . I have learned that I need to try on dresses with Spanx from now on . I really thought I might have liked these , had I seen how Spanx could smooth out some of my wrinkles . Since I couldn 't see that , I decided not to buy the dresses . While I love Spanx , I don 't ever want to make them a daily part of my wardrobe . I don 't see the problem with wearing them on occasion to make a fitting dress look better . A Note on Rudeness . . . We are standing in a checkout line , and this lady asks my friend Penny ifshe could wear the 1X PJs , since her daughter was about Penny 's size . Penny was trying to be very polite , but she kept pushing the conversation . She asked what size Penny wore in clothing too . Here is the thing . . . I ' vedone this before , mainly when I was shopping for skinny friends , and I had noclue what size they might wear . Yet , I was discrete about the wholematter . This lady was NOT discrete . I am proud of how my friend handled this whole situation , but it was not an easy one . We ate at a place that is similar to Panera Bread , but much more gourmet ! It was so good . They do not have any locations in Louisville . : ( I cannot think of the name of it for the life of me ! Ben and I went to Murder Mystery Dinner Theater tonight . We had a great time . He also surprised me with ordered tickets for us to see Bill Cosby in January ! I LOVE Bill Cosby ! ! ! Woooo Hoooo ! ! ! : ) I am so ready for the weekend ! ! ! I know I still have today to get through , but I want my weekend ! : ) After school I am meeting my friend Wendy to do our Christmas present exchange , and have an early dinner . ( Fried zucchini ! ! ! ! ) Then I am off to Lexington to spend the night with my best girlfriends . We got a hotel with a pool , so I am pumped about that ! : ) I am so happy that I can spend time with them . Ok , back to bed . I 've got another hour and a half that I 'm going to sleep before I officially start this day . I picked up the Christmas cards that I had made of Ben and I . They turned out really nice , and they were not that expensive . I will take a picture of one of them and post it up this weekend . Last night Ben said to me , " Wow . . . . I 've got a supermodel sitting in my lap . " He says sweet things like this all the time to me . It really makes me feel so loved . One thing I 've been meaning to blog about , but keep forgetting to do so . . . . . another small way that people view you when you are no overweight . When I order dessert , I don 't get strange looks , or even comments ( you know how bold and brazen some people are ) . Last night I ordered a slice of cheesecake , and didn 't worry about what others thought about me . Would I still do it with I was SSMO ? Yes , but it often depended if I felt I was in the company of those who wouldn 't judge me . Now , I just seem normal when I get something like that . The next seven days at work are going to be a challenge . The kids are revved up to say the least . I 've been keeping my kids in line , but I must say that it is a whole lot more WORK than it typically is . I kept setting my alarm later and later . I now have to get in high gear and head to work . I 'll post tonight ! Have a great day ! We interrupt this blog for . . . . this blogger who has fallen head over heels in L - O - V - E ! ! ! Sorry guys , you may see more of a tilt for a bit to my love life in this blog . I am so in love with Ben ! : ) Life is so grand ! Today was church , then lunch at Cracker Barrel . I got hardly any sleep last night , so I am going to sleep now , and will hopefully sleep a good bit . I surely need it . Ben and I had a great time this evening ! We went to see Into the Woods at a local high school , then to dinner at Red Robbin . Afterwards , we talked for some bit at his apartment . We tried to get our picture taken in front of the tree , but Aaron was not home . I had told Ben this afternoon that I had brought my fat pants for him to see . We got so involved in our conversation that I forgot about them . He knows I want to show them to him , and I will do so very soon . It took awhile to get to support group lunch because I was in traffic for fifty minutes . I made it , only 30 minutes late though . I will post pictures of that soon . Another Mastercard moment . . . being given clothes from my aunt that were too small for her , and 80 % of them are too big for me . PRICELESS ! I 've thought about this for some time , but tonight is the night . I 've wanted to show Ben my clothes as a pre - op . ( I have only kept one pair of pants , and one top . ) He has seen pictures of me at my heaviest , but I know I need to do this . I cannot fully even explain why . I think it is one thing seeing a picture of something , then seeing something in real life . In a personal way , the fact that I am showing him this will bring some personal healing to my soul . It is huge to trust him with this , but I know I am in good hands . I 'm getting ready to leave to go have a late lunch with my DS support group . It will be great seeing everyone before Christmas break . I 've learned a lot from these fantastic people . The rest of the evening will be pretty busy as well . I 'll post more later . I was so happy when I got ready for bed last night . I realized that I didn 't need to set my alarm clock at all . I could sleep until whenever I woke up . I slept for about ten hours . How awesome is that ? Last night was so much fun ! Ben and I got our Christmas tree . It was my first real Christmas tree . We had such a great time decorating it . I made sugar cookies , and we ate those as we played Scrabble . ( I am seriously becoming a Scrabble addict . ) I will post pictures of us tonight in front of the tree . Our friend Aaron is going to take them . We ate at Just Fresh last night . It was such a great place to get food . It is similar in regard to Panera , but has several different menu options . I was very pleased with this choice ! Turns out I didn 't have to deal with that angry parent yesterday . My principal did all the work for me . I was pretty happy about that . That shows me that he really knows that the kid is in the wrong , etc . It is nice when administrators step up to bat for their teachers , and allow us to continue teaching . I 'm going to do a little bit of laundry and dishes , and watch some episodes of 24 ! Last night Ben and I went out to celebrate his completion of the semester . Ben only orders a side salad , so I ask if he is not very hungry . We are at his favorite restaurant , which he always gets chicken wings . He says that he has noticed that he has put on some weight , and he wants to cut back . I really had not noticed , but I said ok . I ordered mozzarella sticks for my meal . Ben says , " You are eating mozzarella sticks , and I am eating a side salad , yet we both are eating something that is good for us . It reminds me of . . . Jack Sprat could eat no fat , his wife could eat no lean . " I started laughing so much , because it was so true . I was eating something that was healthy FOR ME , because of the DS . My mom went to a informational session about getting the lapband . I am not anti - lap band . We all have struggled with being obese , and however you choose to lose the weight , it is not an easy road . I am a big supproter of exploring all your options before you make a poor decision . I know my mom , and for many reasons , I strongly feel that the lap band is not the right choice of surgery for her . I would much more recommend the Gastric By - pass or the DS . It is hard because I want the best for her . I have a busy day at school . I 've got a parent who is mad at me . This kid is one tough kid . She is refusing to accept responsibility for her son 's behavior . This has made his son 's behavior worse , because he has no consequences . I 'm a strict teacher , not to be confused with being a mean teacher . I am super loving to my students . I do have many routines and procedures to give the students the best possible learning environment . It is hard to misbehave in my class because I set up so many safety nets to prevent that from happening . I really want this child to succeed , but it it going to take his mom working WITH me to do this . I was at a training last night until 7 : 30 pm . I forgot my snacks . I 'm trapped . The vending machines contain nothing but CRAP . Why can 't vending machines contain at least SOME healthy choices ? I was just looking for some peanuts , or something like that to tide me over . I had no such luck . I guess the bottom line is that they put into vending machines the things that people will BUY , and healthy things are not on the top of that list . Yesterday , my school had a video crew in for a promotional video we were creating about our building . I was interviewed for this video , and then the video crew filmed my class while I was teaching . I was honored to be asked to be a part of this . My principal is really awesome at what he does , and I want to make sure that I measure up myself . Being asked to be a part of this project made me feel really good . On a total nerdy front . The past two nights I have gone to bed MEGA early . I 've been getting about 9 - 10 hours of sleep . I cannot tell you how much BETTER I feel . I don 't think I will always need this much sleep , but I have been running on a major sleep deficit . Catching up on sleep really feels awesome . I am ready for the weekend ! Almost there ! Hi . . . I 'm new here . I want to learn how to maintain my weight . This is a whole new place for me to be . For my entire life I 've pretty much only increased my weight . Each day is a new adventure of learning how to maintain my weight . I know that no one item will skyrocket me to 393 pounds . I just have to work at balance , and finding what works for me . I also have to keep in mind that what works now , may not work six mnths or a year from now . Off to work . . . . This subject will be coming up more frequently in my blog , because it is heavy on my mind . The funk lifted pretty quickly after I got to work this morning . I was so happy about that . I don 't like being in a funk . I have an appointment with my PCP tomorrow . I am getting more labs drawn , and I would also like to talk with her about having an iron infusion . I really think that will help with my energy level . I know that I am going to BED in ten minutes . I played around last night , and ended up going to bed about an hour and forty five minutes later than what I had intended . I accomplished nothing whatsoever . I 'm not in a good mood this morning . I 've had nine days off , and I should feel great , but I don 't . I 've been thinking about the " source " of this funk , and I am fairly certain it is that I 'm tired of working two jobs . I feel selfish even saying this , knowing how tight our economy is , and how many people are looking for one decent job , and I have a second job that pays good money . I just want my day to end at 4 . I think knowing that my day doesn 't end until 8 ( always two nights a week , sometimes three ) really messes with my outlook . While I 've only been doing this job for about eight months , I think the funk comes from the fact that I 've almost always worked a second job in addition to teaching . Teaching is a demanding ( yet rewarding ) profession , and I think it is hard to keep working a second job , because I don 't get to recharge my batteries . Another contributing factor to this funk is that I didn 't have a break this summer other than Colombia . I had a slew of presentations to do , then I was full charge into getting my classroom back in order for the new school year . I had no down time whatsoever . I need to spend some serious time looking at my budget . I could scale back to one job , but it is going to mean tightning up things A LOT . Many of the things that I now take for granted , would have to be scrapped completely . In the end , I have to decide what matters more to me . I want the option to be able to do some other things that are not job related ( become more active in my church , volunteer at the nursing home with my boyfriend , etc ) . While I write all this now , odds are I would not be able to quit my second job until the end of July . I would still have some months to truck through , but it would feel good to know that an end is in sight . Ok , off to work . It sure felt good to get this off my chest . |
My life hasn 't gone as expected - - maybe you can relate . I thought being a mom would happen easily and come naturally . It hasn 't . I thought I 'd never lose a child . I 've lost 4 . But in the midst of it all , I 'm finding healing , comfort and meaning in Jesus . And that is the best life of all . 2 ) You stumbled upon my blog because you are researching ectopic pregnancy - - either thinking that you may be having one now , or you are looking for stories of people who have had one . ( In that case , welcome new friend ! Although I 'm sorry you had to find me . ) I know how hard it is to interpret symptoms - - to know what is normal , and what requires medical attention . I know it 's easy to second guess yourself . I know what it 's like to wonder if you are just overreacting , or if something is really wrong . Since many of the symptoms of ectopic pregnancy can mask themselves as a lot of other issues , I thought I 'd share more in depth about my story of my ectopic . If this post sounds a bit clinical or devoid of emotion , I 'm sorry . Trust me , going through this experience is probably one of the MOST emotional I 've ever had . I 've got LOTS of other resources on this blog if emotional support is what you are looking for . ( If you are new in your loss , you may want to go through the archives in my blog to December of 2011 when my ectopic was . ) My period was a week and a half late . I had no other pregnancy symptoms , but maybe very , very mild smell sensitivity and a teeny weeny bit of queasiness . The pregnancy tests were negative ( I took several ) , up until I was 5 1 / 2 weeks along . And I got a very strong positive . ( Now , I also tested positive " late " With Maddy . But I was having way more symptoms , mostly nausea , with her . ) This time , I had hoped the lack of nausea was a good thing . I thought , maybe this one 's a boy . . . Or " every pregnancy is different . " I knew in my heart the lack of symptoms wasn 't good news , but I only thought maybe a possible miscarriage . I had no reason to suspect ectopic . . . Yet . Cramps : I joked with my friend that this time my uterus was " cranky . " I don 't remember exactly when the cramping started . I remember having cramps one day , and I had to lay on the bathroom floor for about 15 minutes . They were sudden and made me stop everything . They were over quickly , but still made me late for work . I researched cramping in pregnancy , and couldn 't decide what to classify this as . Mild ? Moderate ? Severe ? " Severe " was probably what it correctly should have been labeled , but since it was over so quickly , " mild " seemed to make more sense . Plus , I was kinda convinced I 'm a wus when it comes to physical pain . So maybe the cramping felt severe to ME , but if someone else had felt it , it probably would have been mild , I figured . About a week after we found out , I had about 1 - 2 hours worth of cramping . Same scenario . I remember posting on FB " So glad for a daughter who occasionally sleeps till 10 . ) Well , that was because I couldn 't get out of bed from cramps . I chalked it all up to " normal " stretching and growing of my uterus . I did not tell anyone seriously about the cramping , other than the " cranky uterus " joke . One day while I was at work , the cramping came back . From the time I got a positive , to the time my tube ruptured , I was having more cramping at greater intensity , duration and frequency . And this particular day , it was so bad I could barely walk . I was taken to my parents . My dad , who is a PA , did a quick abdominal exam to see if he could locate the pain . Ironically , I felt the most pain when he pushed on my right side , even though we later learned Olivia had implanted in my left tube . Ultrasounds : My parents took me to the ER . They did a urine pregnancy test , which came back negative . I insisted that I was pregnant , and they did a blood draw . They did both an external an internal ultrasound . They did not find anything . . . No sac , no heartbeat . Nothing . The only thing was that my lining was thick which would be consistent with being pregnant . The ultrasounds took forever , and were emotionally excruciating . The technician couldn 't say anything , but I knew there was no baby on the screen . I was at the ER for about 4 hours , and most of the pain had actually subsided before I was seen . My dad had insisted I get seen anyway . I was sent home being told I had either an ectopic pregnancy , a threatened miscarriage , or I was just earlier in my pregnancy than I thought I was . I knew the last option was NOT the case , but as that was the only option that gave me hope , I clung to it . I was 6 1 / 2 weeks at the time of the ER visit . HCG : My HCG seemed to bounce around . That is the only explanation I can think of as to why a urine pregnancy test was not showing up positive when my HCG was at 500 . Two days later , when they retested , my HCG was 850 . It picked up a little that day , but not what I would consider to be as heavy as a period . The next day , I barely had any spotting . The nurses seemed encouraged that the bleeding had slowed , although they told me they were still concerned about the placement of the baby . After about an hour or two after everything started , I felt the need to push . I pushed out tissue . It was grayish and covered in blood , but was not a clot . It was about the size of what my ring finger and thumb make when I put the tips of my finger together in a circle . I saved the tissue . My mom came over , and having experienced miscarriage herself , told me that this was the placenta and baby . We wrapped up the tissue sanitarily , double bagged it in The bleeding did not increase , and was about the same as a period . I went on vacation ( though it was all very stressful and emotional . ) Strangely I felt more pregnant during this time , but I just thought it was from my hormones trying to go back to normal . Rupture : For 3 days , I was for the most part pain free . I might have had some period - like cramps to go with the bleeding , I honestly don 't remember . Those 3 days were honestly a fog of shock and grief , of believing I was no longer pregnant . I expected it to go away , but it did not . I did not want to be late to my appointment . I couldn 't really walk very well . I could make it a few steps , then had to squat down to try to catch my breath . I called my parents and let them know I was in a lot of pain . They offered to come pick me and Maddy up and take us to our appointment , but I was afraid of being late . I insisted I was OK . I simply didn 't want to be a drama - queen . I didn 't want to inconvenience anyone . I wanted to be superwoman , I guess . I just wanted to take care of it on my own . Getting in the car and driving myself is probably one of the stupidest things I 've done . Deep inside , I knew my tube had ruptured . I knew it . I was in so much pain , it took me 30 min to drive 15 minutes away . I passed a fire station , and debated whether I should stop there and ask them to take me by ambulance . Again , not wanting to be drama ( and also wondering if we could afford an ambulance ride ) , I opted again to try to cope with the pain instead . I was dry - heaving in the car . The pain was so intense , it was causing me to throw up . I was also bawling . Maddy was in the backseat , and kept telling me not to cry , and that I would be OK . I also kept telling myself I would be OK . The whole drive , in between dry heaves , I was repeating aloud , " I 'm OK . I can do this . It 's just a drive . I 'll be fine . " When I got to my parents , they met me outside . My dad pulled me from the driver 's seat , as I could no longer stand on my own . My mom grabbed Maddy and took her inside , then quickly came back out to help my dad move me to the back seat of his car , where I curled in the fetal position . My parents debated which one should take me in . My dad decided that he should since I might need to be carried . My mom then called the doctor to let them know I was in bad shape , and to bring me a wheel chair when I got there . When we arrived at my OB / GYN , they got me in right away . Dad helped me in the wheelchair , and brought me back to the exam room . I couldn 't stand or dress myself . So a nurse took off all my clothes , and got me in a gown , while completely supporting my body weight . I did not want to be moved to an ultrasound room as everything just hurt too much . The dr did an internal exam ( excruciating ) where she determined that my cervix was open and everything seemed to be cleared out . Then she wheeled in the portable ultrasound machine , where she could see fluid and a mass by my ovary . She said that the tissue I had passed was likely my uterine lining all rolling up and coming out in one clump . She told me I had an ectopic pregnancy , that my tube looked like it ruptured , and I needed emergency surgery . The nurse got me dressed , and I called Ryan to let him know to meet me at the hospital as I would be having surgery right away . It was hard to talk as I hurt so much . To Ryan , it sounded like I was dying . He came to the hospital expecting to say " good - bye " to me forever . The nurse got me dressed again , and wheeled me out to my dad 's car , where he took me 5 minutes to the local hospital . He wheeled me back in to the hospital , where they receptionist was trying to check me in . They briefly left me alone in the lobby for my dad to move the car to a parking space . I began dry - heaving again , and shaking uncontrollably . They moved me to a room , where I had to go over my medical history several times . The anesthesiologist came in several times to make sure I wasn 't allergic to anything . The nurses stayed in my room . They FINALLY gave me a shot ( I don 't know what it was ) to help control the pain . As soon as they gave me the shot , I started throwing up bile . They told me it was the strongest pain medicine they had . Everyone in our family came to the hospital . I only saw my dad , Ryan and my mother - in - law . The doctor came in and told me what happened . She said the baby died when my tube ruptured . I was 7 1 / 2 weeks at this time . By the time I was wheeled into surgery , I was crying from pain again . The shot had worn off . My doctor told me she didn 't know what my insides would look like . She said I might have to have a hysterectomy , but she would save everything she could . She said " I 'll take care of you baby girl . I 'll take care of you . " She gave me the comfort I needed at that time . I briefly felt fear as they put me on the operating table , and everyone had masks . The anesthesiologist told me he was giving me the medicine . I was afraid to go asleep because I wasn 't sure I would wake up . But I was so ready for relief , I gave in readily when sleep took over . I had a hard time waking up from surgery . It was nighttime ( maybe 7 pm ) when I woke up in recovery . I kept having dreams that they moved the baby back to my uterus , and I was still pregnant . My mom and Ryan were with me . Apparently the nurses had been trying to wake me up for a long time . I asked if I had anything left in there , and Ryan told me they saved my tube . I asked if I had had a transfusion . Ryan said they took out the baby and tissue , and a softball - sized blood clot . I had lost a 1 / 2 liter of blood . My doctor had ( unbeknownst to me ) gone out to my family after recovery , and showed them pictures of the pregnancy and clots . She let them know that the baby had implanted in my fimbrials ( the fingerlike part of the tube that " catches " the egg from the ovary , and draws it into the tube . ) Because that 's where she implanted , my tube literally just split down the side when it ruptured , as opposed to worse damage that would have happened if she were in the middle of the tube . Because of that , they scraped my tube clean , suctioned out all the blood , and were able to cauterize my tube back together . They discharged me before I felt ready . I had to get my clothes on ( which didn 't fit after the bloating from the surgery ) . They packed me up in our car ( even though I couldn 't walk on my own ) , and Ryan took me home . I can 't remember how long it took to feel normal . But I felt very weak for a LONG time . I was bloated , and had horrible pain from the gas they pumped in me . My tube hurt for a long time . One of my incisions got infected and needed some extra TLC . 2 years later : As a result of my ruptured tube , I still get lots of pain in that area . It usually comes on suddenly , and makes me gasp a little in pain , or suck in my breath till it 's gone . The pain is less frequent than it used to be . When I first started trying to conceive , I had panic attacks thinking that I was having another ectopic . The last two pregnancies I 've had have been in an undetermined location . It appears as though I have just miscarried - - but since my HCG was slow rising , and they could not locate anything on ultrasound , I 'm not 100 % convinced they also weren 't in my tubes . But we 'll never know for sure . I just refer to those pregnancies as miscarriages . My periods were also messed up following my rupture . My periods became more frequent , with more clotting and more spotting . My periods interfered with my daily life . Just recently , I had my FIRST ( FIRST ! ! ! ! ) normal period in 2 years . My scars are barely noticeable . I had a test done on my tubes this summer , and my tubes are clear . However , there is scar tissue on the one that ruptured . Just before Olivia , I was working part - time at an advertising agency , and was also building my own home - based business . Just weeks before we found out we were pregnant with her , I had promoted in my business and had replaced my income at the agency . And so , two - week - notice it was for my work ! I couldn 't wait for this new journey to start . Life was just falling into place , and I was so excited . A few days before my last official day at work , I was sitting in an office party when the cramping I had been feeling suddenly became awful . After about an hour of me crying on the bathroom floor , trying to get on top of the pain , a friend told me she was taking me to the hospital . A very long story short - - exactly a week after that ER visit ( where nothing was conclusive ) , my fallopian tube ruptured . I was internally bleeding , and required immediate surgery . I was grateful that I did not have to go back to my work right away - - as I had just quit ! However , I did go back after a few weeks to collect my things and have lunch with my friends . I was so nervous about going back . It was if I were a WHOLE new person entering that building . I was a broken , shattered soul with a put - together exterior . Normally outgoing , I was afraid of seeing anyone ! I was afraid any wrong word would break me , but hearing no words that would speak to my pain would be infinitely worse . I was also concerned about the trigger just being at that building would be . The very last time I was there , I was pregnant . My friends were beyond gracious . The set up a table in very quiet corner of the building where no one would bother us , and ordered take - out for all of us . We caught up - - but I was feeling that internal pressure to just SPEAK about what just happened to me . I know they all were afraid of bringing things up , but I finally just said , " It 's ok to talk about it and ask me questions . I WANT to talk about it . " They proceeded to let me speak , and asked gentle questions , and the whole thing went so much better than I could have anticipated . I ran into a few people I wasn 't planning on . Some I told what happened , and others I just smiled on the outside . I think having such amazing , thoughtful co - workers made coming back , even briefly , pretty amazing . After we lost Olivia , I did not want to work at my business . I had no emotional or physical energy to pour into it . Not surprising , our numbers dwindled , and I became concerned that I wouldn 't keep the promotion I just received for very long . But our rising bills just added pressure to the grief . A few weeks after our loss , I had a few home parties coming up . I didn 't WANT to do them , but I felt like I should - - especially with the bills ! My sponsor , who has had a miscarriage , told me she absolutely understood and supported me in whatever I decided . Then she asked me a key question . " Rachel . I know you don 't want to do the parties , and I wouldn 't either . But I just want to ask - - at the end of the month , what would it feel like to have DONE them , and have a nice paycheck and some activity behind you ? " The first party I was a mess , absolute mess , the night before . I thought I was crazy for trying for the party - - - but with a ton of help from my husband - - I did it ! And it felt good to do something " normal . " Sure , I made a ton of mistakes . I dropped things during the presentation , forgot names , and left half of my stuff that I needed in the car . But - - I took one step . And eventually , that led to another , and another and another . We have now had two subsequent losses since our ectopic pregnancy with Olivia . Ironically , both times I had a large presentation scheduled on the same day as the heaviest bleeding . Both times I went ahead and did the presentation . Both times I was uncomfortable , myhormones were EVERYWHERE , and I couldn 't help but tear up often . But I gave myself tons of grace , and rested a lot once I was home . For me , getting through that FIRST step after a loss is the hardest . And the sooner I was able to do it , the easier it was for me to keep going . Another thing that helped was feeling " normal . " When the nurse called to let us know our hcg had dropped and would miscarry ( with our second miscarriage ) , I chose to follow through with my work that night . I could have cancelled . But I just wanted something that would distract me from my pain for a few hours . Two years ago , I knew I was expecting a baby . I knew life had changed . I had changed . I was changing . A new start . A new beginning . I didn 't know she was ectopic . And you know what ? I 'm glad I didn 't know . Because I didn 't know , I got to experience tremendous joy for the few short weeks she was in me . Because I didn 't know I 'd lose her , I got to share with excitement to friends and family . I could celebrate . For those I hadn 't shared with yet , I got to revel in the tiny little ( big ) secret I was carrying . Her life only lasted a few weeks . We were just nearing 8 weeks when we lost her . Each life deserves some joy . And I filled that time with the joy of knowing her . If I had known she would die , I may not have celebrated her life . Of course , the answer I assumed we 'd have to our pregnancy test was a live baby . But we didn 't get that answer to our prayers . The doctors don 't know why we had an ectopic . The only " risk " factor was that I had a prior cesarean . ( Bet you didn 't know that was a risk factor , huh ? Funny what they don 't tell you . ) But even then , at surgery the doctor said my tube had no scar tissue on it . And it 's the same for our last miscarriages . As far as they can see , I 'm healthy . I 'm the peak of healthy . A very healthy person with recurrent pregnancy loss . OK , so yes , assuming she 'd lived , of course I knew what an impact she 'd make on me . And I had assumed she 'd lived . So I had dreamed of all the years ahead . I dreamed about her first Christmas and First Thanksgiving . I thought about nursing , birthing plans , what kind of sport or hobby she 'd love as a high - schooler , what she would look like , what her personality would be like , what the girls would look like playing together . She had my dreams . She had my love . And I couldn 't wait to share my life with her . When we lost her , the world says " It wasn 't meant to be . " " Some babies just die . " " This just happens . " " This is your 1 in 4 . " " Maybe she would have been deformed , and you wouldn 't want to deal with this . " " This is nature 's way . " " This is God 's will . " " You are strong enough to handle this loss - - I 'm not . " " You will move on . " " You can always try again . " " It will be better next time - - I know it . " But in my heart , she was meant to make a mark on this world . Her life has value . And purpose . She was supposed to be the one to share her presence . But since she 's gone , I 'm determined to make her life count still . I want to give her a voice . I don 't know how long I will write about her anniversaries . I don 't think I will ever forget . But for now , I need to spend the day remembering her . I never thought I 'd survive the loss of a child . Now , some of you might be thinking - - a miscarriage is not REALLY the loss of a child . But , you need to know , it is . Not that I think every loss is exactly the same . It 's not as though I 'm trying to compare myself to any other baby or child loss mom . Because I 'm not . Not only have I survived , but I 'm growing . I 'm stronger , more resilient , more compassionate , more REAL , than I was before Olivia . I wouldn 't say my faith is stronger , but I would say it 's more personal . It 's different . It 's weaker AND stronger at the same time . I didn 't know the tears wouldn 't always be there . For a very , very , very long time , I cried . I cried for hours , I cried for days , I cried for months . I didn 't know the tears would slow . I didn 't know that with the loss of my relationship with my daughter , how many other relationships I would form ! That there is a whole crowd of women who had been there and were there to support me . And that there were women I was meant to support . I didn 't know that , in spite of none of us wanting to be a part of this " club , " we really were better together . I didn 't know how amazing people would be to me . Strangers I 've never met face - to - face . Church friends , old and new . Small group friends . Family . Our agency and those we 've met through foster care . Friends from junior high , high school and college . People from all over - - supporting me and my family in our losses . By dropping off food , sending cards , taking care of Maddy , praying with us , reading our blog , hoping for the best with each successive pregnancy . . . All of it . Amazing . YOU have blown me away by your love and support . I just didn 't know how amazing you all would be . I didn 't know that I would grow , laugh and love again . I didn 't know if I could move forward without her . But I can , and I have . Not by choice , but by necessity . And God has given me the strength , grace and perseverance to just keep putting one foot in front of the other . To move forward with an adoption of precious little miss . To move my business forward . To keep writing my blog . To keep my faith , and keep trusting in His goodness . I didn 't know I could live with loss . But here I am . Two years out . Missing her always . Excited to meet her in heaven . " I can never be a foster parent . I 'd get too attached . " If I had a dollar for every time I heard this . In fact , I he . . . Last night I had another dream . This time , in my dream , I peed on a stick and it turned positive . I was pregnant . In the course of my dream , . . . For some of you , the following is familiar . Nevertheless , it 's still worth putting on the old blog , I think , and not just on Facebook . F . . . Yesterday I saw a photo . If you know the story behind the photo , you know exactly how awful it is . It 's a little 3 - year - old boy , . . . |
I have been hesitant to post anymore dark dreary posts , just because I don 't know if it 's the right thing to do . I 'm supposed to be salt and light . All I am is sad and lonely tonight . Which is stupid . I spent all day with a friend , and we had five dogs in the house . Yesterday I went to the movies with a great friend and talked on the phone with three people . Saturday I had wonderful quality time with my husband . I had several " friend " encounters last week too . But I feel different from everybody else . Even my friends . I attended two ( ! ) meetings today , Alanon and ACOA and both of them , went late , left early , said nothing . I 'm supposed to be in my " safe place " there and I just shut down . I don 't really even feel like writing now , I 'm just doing it because I feel I must . Right now is a season of sacrifice for my husband and I . He is working like crazy and going to school . I leave the house when he 's gone , I get home and he 's gone . I came home at 1 : 30 after my workout and meeting and I saw the three dirty pans that he left on the stove , the butter and sriracha he left on the counter and I wanted to cry because I had missed him . The man refuses to use a damn microwave . I make full meals when he 's gone , and put them in pyrex dishes so he can just heat it up when he has the time . He to reheat every component in a different pan , using different utensils . Keeping up with the dishes is a full time job but I don 't care , because it 's him . I love his particularity . He once put a single serving of frozen microwave lasagna in the oven for an hour and insisted it was worth it . I don 't really feel like being with anybody but him , he 's the only one who really knows me . I force myself anyway because I know I need to . It 's all very codependent . When he is there I feel so full and complete and loved and perfected . When he is gone , the darkness closes me in . I know that God is really trying to get me to count on him and these are just terrible little growing pains . That 's why I force myself . BecaComments : 2 Comments » I have been trying to read scripture every day . I am inclined to want to spend a great deal of time and energy and effort and do it perfectly , going over a book , and the Bible and highlighting and taking notes , that stuff really jazzes me . When I do it , which is rarely because it takes such and involved effort to do it perfectly . That is NOT Biblical . God doesn 't care if you do it perfectly , half of it is just showing up . So to avoid my perfectionism I decided to just read proverbs daily , correlating to the day of the month . I am not really sure if it is God or the guilt that lives inside of me for so many wasted gifts and hours that makes these scriptures slap me in the face . It is said in the Bible that ALL scripture is God - breathed . These proverbs make me feel as though God is going to smite the crap out of me tomorrow … SMITE , SMITE , SMITE - Like so much Dragon 's breath . I can just see him with his lightning rod , tossing bolts down from heaven upon me destroying me without remedy , bringing me from my American dream into the depths of poverty . Now , it is good to have a healthy fear of God . Blessed are those who fear the Lord . But I don 't think that the way I am interpreting these scriptures is correct . He is a God of love and he says that love is patient and kind and is not easily angered , keeps no record of wrongs , always protects , always trusts , always hopes , always perseveres . THIS is GOD . I am the most ignorant of men . I do not have a man 's understanding . I have not learned wisdom , nor have I knowledge of the Holy One . Who has gone up to heaven and come down ? Who has gathered up the wind in the hollow of his hands ? Who has wrapped up the waters in his cloak ? Who has established all the ends of the earth ? What is his name and the name of his son ? Tell me if you know ! - Proverbs 30 : 2 - 4 You can hear the author 's desperation in his voice , the fact that he cannot understand God , that the knows that SOMEONE must be up in heaven , SOMEONE must have control over the winds and the waters and the ends of the earth . But he doesn 't know who . How frustrating . I have never really felt this way . I always knew that God was there and that he loved me , from when I was a tiny kid I believed . This is not the case for everybody . Especially analytical people who like numbers and facts and full explanations . For whom a feeling just isn 't enough . The reason I bring this up , is this is a particularly meaningful scripture to me . It brings me to tears to remember it . In my Bible , in the corner above it in tiny lettering is the writing " K is here - 6 / 30 / 03 " . In ' 03 I was talking to an old boyfriend again after being broken up for over a year and living in different cities . I was a new believer in Christ and he wasn 't . I told him I was only looking for a husband and only wanted a Christian husband , but we continued talking on the phone anyway . When I talked to him I could feel his desperate confusion , his knowing that there was SOMETHING greater than himself out there , but not knowing what it was , or how to reach it . He could see the coincidences that were not coincidences , the miracles that were to big to ignore , yet too intangible to be sure . He would go from admitting that there was a God , to being angered at the very thought that he was considering it . He wanted names and places and proof and without a reasonable doubt . And I just couldn 't give it . And it wasn 't my job . So I wished him luck and told him not to call me anymore . We didn 't talk that whole entire summer which was incredibly hard , because I had been so sure that I would marry him . I prayed fervently and so many other people that I don 't even talk to now did too . I quit smoking in June because he had once told me that he would never marry a smoker and I told him I would never marry an atheist . I decided to prepare for him to return to me . In August he called me up again . Triumphant , he understood he said . He got it . He had started going to a Bible study , and seeking other men and it happened . In January we were engaged , and by the following August , we were married . And he has been the most amazing blessing , and most Godly man I can imagine . I don 't get alot of what I read , but if I continue to seek , God will make sure I know what I need to know , when the time is right . I don 't have to worry about being in poverty or being destroyed by God . Because he is with me , he comforts me , he loves me . But I need to heed his warnings , because at the end of it all , I don 't want to have nothing to show him for what he gave me , not because I am scared he 'll hurt me , but because I love him . I think that this is a good time to tell you why I began this blog . This is not my first blog , but it is the only one I know is going to stick . I own maybe a dozen URLs ranging from being a wife to being a realtor and in college I even made my own vanity site with pictures , etc , but none of those stuck . I 'll tell you why . None of them were true . Sure they may have had pictures and cute quotes and told true stories , but they weren 't what I thought about on a regular basis , they weren 't who I really was , so they fell off like old skin that I just couldn 't fill up anymore . If you want to read great funny stories and fabulous household tips and see really pretty pictures - This isn 't the site for it . If you feel inadequate , uninspired , awkward and alone , this is for you , because I am you . And if you see me get better , you will know that you can get better . This is the whole reason for it . The reason I posted my before and after pictures is because one lady wrote me this : " Thanks for posting this , I was too embarrassed to post pics , but my room looks just like yours did , so if you can do it , so can I ! ! ! ! " The reason I share all of my muck and embarrassment is for the same reason . Do I think that airing out garbage is going to make me famous ? NO . I won 't be able to run for office and I won 't be able to pretend that I have everything together anymore . Truth is , I haven 't really shared it with many people I know , only people I don 't because they are kinder . Why are we kinder to strangers than we are to people we know ? I think it 's a helluva lot easier to pat someone on the back and say , hey I 've been where you are , or I AM where you are , when we don 't know them , because we don 't have to look at them everyday , and most importantly , they don 't look at us everyday . Scrutinize us and follow our every move waiting for us to fall , waiting for us to fail . I also share because your testimony is your greatest weapon against the forces of evil . The story of how God has delivered you from the lion 's den lets others know that God is great and can deliver them too . It is hope - giving . And it holds me accountable to the changes I am making . You may not comment all the time , but when I look on my statistics and see 74 people reading , I may not know 74 people that have this address , but I feel the responsibility of keeping my promises to those 74 people . I don 't feel like keeping my promises when it 's just me because I have a bad track record with myself . Ok . Just so you know , I 'm not the miracle worker . I did not wash ALL of those clothes . I separated them into piles . Cleanish , and filthy or questionable and they are all in my guest room , I am going to finish the laundry today . I 've lost a bit of weight so I need to go through and sort them into give away and keep piles because there is no earthly reason for me to have so many damn clothes . It 's so weird to actually see it in the harsh light of day , how dirty the room was . I mean I have been avoiding it ( and making it worse ) since I 've been depressed , and my husband is so busy it really falls to me , cooking , cleaning , laundry - etc . I thought that when we bought this house WOW 2600 square feet , we are going to be SOOOOOOOOOOOO organized ! There is a place for everything . Which is true , there are PLACES for everything , however there is also SO much space to throw crap around , and three bathrooms to clean - THREE ! It feels so wonderful and peaceful in there now , it 's amazing . I also posted a picture of the gorgeous view from our bedroom window , with the trees and the greenbelt in the background . Honestly , I went shopping yesterday for new bedding , because there is nothing worse than cleaning your room and it STILL being ugly . Flylady always says that the key to making your bed every morning is getting bedding you really love , here is a great article and blogtalk radio link to making your bed every day from flylady . My goal is going to be to at LEAST make my bed every day , now that there are no more " it will still look ugly " excuses . I picked out deep purple sheets from Target last Christmas , and have been trying to find a comforter to match them for JUST AS LONG . Finally , we just gave up and slept with our white down comforter w / no duvet and the purple sheets which I now loathe because they match nothing . It drove me crazy . So I left the house yesterday with full intention of getting new bedding . I visited Target and Ross and everything was either too expensive , too ugly , too scratchy or too cheap looking . Then I went to Walmart and found this soft , gorgeous set that matches everything I already have ON SALE for $ 59 ! Yes ! I am so pleased with it , I even bought the wreath , and two throw pillows , all for under $ 100 . If you go on the website you can also order , but you won 't get the sale price unless you 're in the store I guess . My husband was in utter SHOCK when he got home . I had to wipe his jaw off the floor . He was all smiles the rest of the night . I have to say it was not easy and it took awhile . And it is by no means perfect , since I still have alot of stuff that I just stashed away to deal with later . But here 's the thing : it feels peaceful , and I 'm trying for progress not perfection . I will take pictures of the piles and get rid of them one by one , because posting it up here online makes it REAL . Next up : I am going to post pictures of the guest room - AKA ground zero of laundry . I thought it may be dumb to do this , but I gotta tell you , there is NOTHING more motivating than knowing you 've gotta post pictures of your crap because you promised . P . S . Thanks so much for the encouraging emails I 've been getting . Please know that you are not alone . If you want to send me before pictures of your own impossible project , let me know and I can hold you accountable , like you are holding me ! When I was a kid , when things would get bad , I would lay in bed and read . In my bed nobody bothered me , I used to pretend that I was somewhere else and just envelope myself in the covers . I was a little bit of a loner . We were the house on the block where the neighbor came over to cut the grass because he said it " brought property values down , " so I was too embarassed to play with the other kids and my mom said we would get stolen . Besides , I was different than them . Sometimes my bed was next to the window that looked out into the street and I would watch them play basketball or hopscotch or ride bikes and wonder how their life got there , and mine was behind the glass , watching them . I was so jealous . I would tell myself that maybe I would play when my dad taught me how to ride a bike . When I was thin and fit and could play hopscotch better , or when my dad was home and he could take me to the park to shoot hoops so I could practice and not embarass myself . I just realized I wrote embarassed twice . I guess I 've always been a bit embarassed to be me . To make up for it , I became very personable . In school people liked me . I was generous and funny and charming . I never got made fun of for being chubby or too smart . I was respected . Nobody knew what my house and yard looked like at school . I needed that to make myself feel better . When somebody didn 't like me I was baffled . Didn 't I do everything right ? What could I change ? How can I appeal to THIS person , what facade can I conjure up ? And then do it . I 've always had lots of different groups of friends , even the bullies were my friends because I made them feel special . I got help at first because the facade was slipping off . My husband made me feel too comfortable being me and I began to be uncomfortable being that charming wonderful person that people loved . This made me depressed that I was no longer charming and wonderful and made me try harder to be that person , that lie . So I stopped going out as much and just tried EXTRA EXTRA hard when I was out . I really got help because I wanted to keep living a lie . I liked that person I was in front of other people and I wanted to get her back . I wanted to be stronger and better at conjuring up that persona . I didn 't know that it was just going to make me scrape it away and let it all hang out . I 'm a little depressing to talk to . I cry alot . I 'm not really trying to keep my chin up or be strong . I would love to say that I don 't give a damn if nobody likes me , but it 's not true . It kills me . I am a popular person . I have always been a popular person in crowds and classes and clubs . But I 'm not willing to go there anymore . I don 't want to be liked for being a good actress . I want to ACTUALLY be a fun person . I want to ACTUALLY be a positive person . I want to ACTUALLY be a loving and caring person . Not just the person who loves and cares when someone is watching or to get you to like me . It is my goal to learn how to step outside of myself and love people . I can 't seem to do that yet . I am still caught up in my appearance and my mess . One of the motivational speakers at the seminar yesterday kept saying that to find yourself , you 've got to give yourself away . I have been woefully fantasizing about a sponsor , or a woman of God to take me under her wing and " mother me " . Gently guide me , give me help , give me help . Love me , spend time with me . Care about me . We learn in ACOA that we build a protective wall around the " real " us so that no one finds out our inadequacies . This makes us incredibly selfish and self - serving people , unable to step outside of our problems to care about anyone else . We are constantly worried about our own perfection . Realization : the only way I am going to get that relationship that I desire is to step out of " me " and give a damn about someone else . Ok : Here is my favorite part . The ACTION : I am going to serve my husband . He doesn 't read my blog so he won 't know I 'm doing it . He might suspect when he comes home and the laundry is done . ( I 've been so DEPRESSED … woe is me that I let it pile up and we are in a standoff right now . He 's bought packages of socks and underwear twice ! ) I want you to hold me accountable . I am going to post before pictures of my bedroom and after pictures . Tonight : I am going to do the laundry and clean our bedroom . It may sound small , and probably everybody is better than me and doesn 't need to motivate themselves with something so completely inane , but I am going to try it . And I 'm going to publish this before I change my mind . Life was going really really really well . I mean , I 've been really happy in a great mood , grateful toward everything , even the tiniest blessings were getting acknowledged and praised . I have been having some incredibly productive days that begin with scripture and end tired and satisfied . The kind of days that I dream of having . The kind of days that make life worth living . I was a little sick last week , while it stopped me from going to a few meetings and I slept more than my schedule allowed , I was still doing well . I didn 't post on my recovery blog because it didn 't feel like I had anything to recover from . I felt wholeness . Then Thursday morning , I slept late . Then I got a phone call from a client asking me to withdraw her offer on a house I know is perfect and one - of - a - kind for her . Then I didn 't put the trash out before the garbage truck came . Then I didn 't go to the gym , didn 't go to Alanon , and didn 't shower . Then I ate chips in bed and watched youtube videos . Then my husband came home at 1pm from school after not having slept at all the night before from working on homework and I had the nerve to complain to him about how " dissatisfied " I was . Then I pestered him about whether or not he " loved me " or was " mad at me " . Mostly because I felt like an unloveable lump of crap that I was really really mad at myself . Nothing mean , or condescending . He walked in the bedroom and began picking clothes up off the bedroom floor to put in the washer . I turned away from him in bed , ashamed . He went downstairs to make himself lunch . I layed in bed . Ashamed and angry , desperately willing myself to change , but not having the strength to even move . I tried to sleep some more but only succeeded in wanting to die . How he was going to work right after lunch , because he had to pay the bills to keep my depressed and lazy ass in chips to eat in bed , electricity and internet so I can while away the precious days that God has given me in comfort . I was disgusted with myself . What nerve did I have to tell him what a shitty day I was having , when the only thing that was shitty that I had no control over was the client . The rest was all on me , baby . I would love to tell you that I immediately got up and didn 't waste the rest of the day . That I showered and got dressed and ate well and went to the gym , the office , read my scriptures , cleaned my house . Anything that was productive . That I was so inspired by the thought of my husband working so hard for us , that I just had to get up and get going . That I vowed that minute to do everything in my power to change and never look back . It 's not true though . I did take a shower , and got dressed in some comfy sweats and went downstairs and kissed my husband and told him that I would get right back on the wagon . That he didn 't have to worry anymore , that things were getting better . That things were GOING to get better . He looked at me with compassion , and said , " I hope so . " Then went back to his sandwich . Then he went upstairs to take a nap , and I went with him . I slept the rest of the afternoon and into the night . He went to work . He asked me if I would wash some socks . I didn 't even get up to do that . He came home at one AM , exhausted and crawled into bed with me again . He cradled me in his big arms and I wailed , " you shouldn 't hug me . I didn 't wash the socks . " He said he had been getting them off of the floor and he 'd just do that again . I sniffled , " you can have mine tomorrow , they didn 't even touch the ground today . " Sometimes I want him to hit me and scream . It would feel more appropriate . Sometimes I want him to threaten me with leaving and falling out of love , anything to shake me up . But he doesn 't . He holds me and I 'm secure and I have no reason for acting the way I do . I was doing so well . What happened ? I am a phenomenal starter . I can say that honestly with no doubt . An idea person , I am constantly dreaming up new , fantastic and creative ways to do everything . Strong starter , lousy finisher . Seriously , I am lacking in the follow - through , build your character , perservere through the hard times , walking through the fire , winners never quit - department . I always thought , if I 'm not good at it already , why try ? That was not a problem because I was good at lots and lots of stuff . Problem is , my good - at - lots - of - stuff development plateaued at about seventh grade . Turns out you can 't fake out a latin test , or chemistry , or college . That stuff takes some muscle and some drive , not my strong suit . So , yesterday after a long grueling day ( when I have productive days , I usually go overboard to compensate for the sobby - listless - just get through so I can go to sleep - days ) while on our way to go pick up my car at the mechanic my husband and I got into a bit of an argument . Nothing major , just one of those frustrating quarrels that blows over as soon as something funny happens . But still , I was mad . I jumped out of his car and into mine with every intention of driving to Barnes and Noble and just staying there till it closed , reading and basically just forgetting everything . As I was leaving , I realized I had left my GPS in his car , so I flagged him down to get it and put it in my car . When I tried to put it on my windshield , it just flopped over dejectedly . A screwy thing was broken . This was maddening , as we 're a little worried about money and after paying $ 460 for my car starter , I really didn 't want to have to shell out more dough to pay for a little screwy thingy because I didn 't care for it properly . I wanted to cry . Somedays it feels like no matter what you do , everything is falling apart and there is not a damn thing you can do to stop it . I heard a distinct God - voice in my head tell me to fix it . I didn 't want to fix it , I wanted to throw it on the floor and forget about it . But still , it said fix it . I thought , my husband will fix it later . I am not going to touch it , not even try . I tossed it on the floor of my car and put the car in reverse . I couldn 't shake the feeling though , that I had to at least try . So , I angrily threw the car back in park , turned the car overhead light on and started fiddling with it in the dark parking lot . I 'll spare you the intricacies of the repair , but it took me all of two minutes to figure out what had come undone and rescrew it in , but in those two minutes I learned a lifetime . With everything that has been going on , with my emotions , with my recovery , with my depression , hitting my absolute bottom , everything … I am just drained . I feel incapable of even waking up alot of the time , much less getting anything done . While I was trying to fix the GPS stand , I got a feeling of utter calm , and I heard ( not literally , but in the way that you " hear " and understand ) God tell me , " This is just you and me , I am going to tear your life down to the ground piece by piece , it could be your car , your house , your marriage , your career , yourself . Everything is coming down , and I am going to give you the privilege and the self esteem that comes with rebuilding it . And you will be whole again . " The hope and promise that washed over me in that instant was tangible , I could feel it in my entire body . All of a sudden , I realized that when things start feeling overwhelming , I escape . I may not drink , but I do go online , overeat , go shopping , read magazines , sleep all day - anything to avoid the feelings of complete failure that my soul is buried beneath . Suddenly it was clear , and there was a light at the end of the tunnel of my life . God showed me in that instant , that by listening to him tell me to face this problem , this two minute , nothing problem , it was the beginning of changing my entire life . I did fix it , my husband didn 't do it , I didn 't buy a new one , I didn 't throw it on the floor and forget about it . I fixed it . I didn 't have to deal with the guilt of seeing it the next time I went out to my car , I just did it and it was over , like it had never happened . God told me to go home , not Barnes and Noble and to fix the fight with my husband . So instead of just forgetting about it , I apologized and it was over . I shared my newfound hope with him and told him everything was going to be ok . The house , the dishes , the laundry , the finances , the dogs , my career , myself . That I 'm just being rebuilt . And I thanked him for having the patience of a saint in putting up with the remodeling dust . I feel like I should wear a sign , " Please excuse the dust , I am under construction . " See God says in Philippians 1 : 6 " Being confident of this , that He who began a good work in you will carry it onto completion until the day of Christ Jesus . " As a kid , I learned that you were perfect now , or you were nothing . I am not or will ever be perfect , but I can stand on the truth that not I , but God is responsible for completing the good work he started on me . What overwhelming grace is this , where I can screw up everything in my life , and God can guide me to rebuild it . He says that " And I will restore to you the years that the locusts hath eaten " Joel 2 : 25 , and His promises are never broken . |
I do , of course , and if he didn 't know that , I 'm sure that had he found out , he would have been pleased with himself for giving me such a tangible reason to come around to his way of thinking . I see the rationale of arguing in that way , uniting the desire I have to protect my children to a specific political preference he 'd like me to share . ( NB I 'm not naming names here because I am not interested in having a traditional leftist circular firing squad in this space - nor in the general election , which is how I found myself in this situation . I imagine you can read between the lines anyway . ) Here 's the curious thing , though : that gambit doesn 't work that way , at least not for me . His comment did rouse my ursine protective qualities , but not such that I came rationally around to his point of view . In fact , my unsubtle brain identified * him * as the threat to my children . I was suprised at the intensity of the hostility I suddenly felt towards him , where before I had felt only a mild irritation . Moreover , some of that feeling transferred itself , however unfairly , to the candidate he was supporting , despite the fact that I have no real beef with the candidate in question . I bring this up not to invite a debate on whose box I should check in the primary ( or even whether I should vote in the primary , a position I find more morally defensible than usual in the case of the Democratic presidential candidates , if not lower offices ) but rather as an observation on the complicated nature of brains and the care those of us who do feel deeply about our candidates would be wise to take when scoring rhetorical points . This only matters if one likes winning , of course . I 'm not altogether sure my political allies do always prefer winning to being self - righteous - but that is a story for a different time . Hey , gang . Yes , I am still here . ETA Yes , I started this on the blizzard day and now things are melting and I still not editing it to any kind of a reasonable length . You have been warned . Then I kind of hit a wall , because as much as I 'd love to talk to you all in person about , for instance , therapy , it does feel odd to put it on the Internet . Maybe a password post at some point , at least for some of it . The expurgated update is that I have been going , I think it is helping , and my therapist is not an idiot . Also , I seem to have developed a Pavlovian response to his office , such that as soon as I sit down , I start crying . I blame the carpet . Christmas was … you know , I really am going to have to do a password post . More on that later , I guess . We stayed in town . I spent an enormous amount of money on a prime rib that was frankly one of the better thing I have ever cooked . Jackalope got her heart 's desire , a doll stroller . I cannot believe I have a kid who loves dolls , which fall squarely into the valley of the uncanny as far as I am concerned . We got the Bean a fairly indestructible camera . My choir spent the fall learning about half of Bach 's Christmas Oratorio . ( It 's six cantatas . We did 1 , 3 , and 6 . ) I somehow got appointed alto section leader , which means I take notes and write everyone an email each week . It 's a good gig : altos thrive with a little attention . And dick jokes , it turns out . They love dick jokes . ( Example : why did Bach have 20 children ? He had no stops on his organ . ) We performed the piece at a number of churches around town , which was a nifty sort of tour . Brooklyn is , after all , the Borough of Churches . I should learn some architectural terms so that I could describe them to you . Sometimes we sang with an organ and sometimes with an orchestra . I regret to say , dear readers , that the trumpets were terrible , a real shame with this piece . But , ah , amateur music making . It is what it is . We paid soloists to sing in most of the concerts , but we did a tiny one in January for which we did not . The director asked who wanted to throw their name in the hat , I imagined for auditions , and after a week of anxiety on the topic , I decided what the hell . Turned out that was understo * This is partly because Jackalope is nursing a lot less - I know the party line is that nursing makes you lose weight , but my experience is that no - and partly because I have essentially given up alcohol on account of nerves . Plus other things for that famous password post . Basically , file under " lower weight does not equal ' healthy . ' " But dragon dress ! It is my favorite . Sugar gamely attempted to bring both kids to one of them December concerts , but while Jackalope loved it , her love was … vocal . THEY SINGIN ' A MOOOSIC SONG ! Ship abandoned for park . The Bean came to the one where I sang alone and has been very sweet about it since . The big recent excitement has been applying to ( public ) kindergarten for the Bean . And by excitement , I mean miserable anxiety - fest . Allow me to tell you allllll about it . In NYC , there are districts ( many per borough ) and , for elementary school , zones within the district . Most of the time , you are all but guaranteed a spot at your zoned school ( assuming you have one ) . You can also apply to other schools ; you have a higher priority within your district . You rank the schools you like , get admitted to one , and get wait - listed at every school you ranked higher . Then there is all kinds of maneuvering over the waiting lists . The Bean currently attends public pre - k at our zoned school . There are good and bad aspects to that . We like his teacher , a kindly man who is obsessed with fishing . They are raising trout . Really . As in , they got a jar of eggs at the beginning of the year , and on Friday , Jackalope and I were guests at a party celebrating the fingerlings ' graduation from the small enclosure to the main tank . At the end of the year , we will take them " upstate " ( I am guessing this means Westchester ) to release them , presumably so the teacher can catch them again . The Bean has friends , the school is remarkably diverse , the PTA seems to have its heart in the right place . ( I attempted to join the diversity committee , but all their meetings have been during my classes . ) They have a lot of art and music and so on . It 's also more academic than I would prefer , and simultaneously operating below the Bean 's academic level . ( Which is okay ! He isn 't in pre - k for academics . It 's just , I 'd rather have less of that , and if I can 't have that , I 'd like it to be interesting , you know ? ) I wanted to fall in love with the school when I finally got to go on a tour , but instead I was taken aback . The kindergarteners were having a spelling bee . There 's a lot of homework , even at kindergarten . The music teacher seemed as grumpy as the Bean had suggested . There 's red light / green light discipline . Blah . Not awful , not the end of the world , just not what I was hoping for . I 'm worried that a smart , rule - following kid who isn 't a big advocate for himself could get lost here . Meanwhile , I also went on a tour of an unzoned school in our district ( good chance we 'd get in ) . Enormous , two story classrooms . All the kids in a given grade are in the same class , with four teachers who loop with them . Great teacher development program . No homework . The classrooms felt to me like preschool - lots of interesting things to do . All the STEM you could hope for , great social - emotional stuff . Lots of opportunity for independent work , which is what the Bean loves best . But low on arts - just residencies part of the year . And not walkable . The city would bus him , as it 's in our district . Then I toured a shiny new school , not in our district but an easy enough commute , close enough to walk home in good weather . And I happened to run into a savvier friend , mother of a classmate from the magical preschool the Bean went to last year ( why can 't all schools be like that ? ) , who pointed out that , gorgeous light aside , this place was at least as rigid as our zoned school . So I did not list it , even though it was so shiny . ( So shiny ! But also I secretly suspected the parents would drive me nuts . ) Impulsively , I did list another school in that district , one I never visited , on the grounds that it sounds progressive and our pickiest neighbor is happy with it . Plus that district has better middle school options . I can 't believe I 'm expected to be thinking about middle school for my four - year - old . The school I ranked first we will never get into - four other districts have priority over us ( plus siblings , yadda , yadda ) - and I don 't know how we 'd manage the commute if we did . But I just look at that place and think , I can 't just not even try to get my kid into the one place I really think looks magical . And then I beat myself up for not being able to afford to live in that neighborhood . The application is in now , and all that remains is to second guess myself to no end . Am I making the right choices ? Are there any ? And mostly , what would my mother say ? I changed schools often as a small child , and it stunk . But it wasn 't for no reason , and I wish I knew the full , adult versions of those reasons . I know that my mother held her nose and violated her own principles more than once to get me in a place that was better for me . I know that when I was in a place that actually challenged me , that my whole world changed . I think these things matter , is what I 'm saying . I just still don 't know what the right thing is . So now we wait for March , when placements come out , except actually , that 's not all , because how could it be that simple ? Instead , next week , the Bean sits an exam for gifted and talented placement , and believe me , you don 't need to tell me how fucked up it is to be testing four - year - olds in this way . Believe me . I get it . But also : in sixth grade I was in an all - day gifted program of students pulled from the whole town . And it changed my life . So . We hold our noses and take the test . The Bean is really happy with the idea of getting to do lots of puzzles with an adult whose attention is all on him . He hopes there are a whole lot of questions . The test results come out in April - that 's right , after the kindergarten offers have gone out - at which point kids who score high enough can try to find a district - level program they like - there are two in our district , but maybe we could try for the one not in our district that we could still walk to , where our friends ' daughter goes . Kids who score super incredibly high can attempt to get a seat at one of the citywide schools , but what with sibling priority , we 're talking a quarter of the 99th percentile , so phhht . ( Except OF COURSE I believe my magical genius child is … oh , just ignore me . ) Also I am considering moving to the woods and homeschooling them and also growing my own saffron . I 'd always heard how stressful NYC school stuff is , but I kind of thought that was for people who can afford private school . ( Which at one point we 'd thought might be us , but the generous tuition reimbursement program at Sugar 's job has now become a " give already rich people a little bonus " level of reimbursement , so yeah . ) I didn 't expect to find myself lying on the floor in the middle of the night crying because I just really , really , really want to ask my mom what she thinks . I want to ask her a lot of things , of course , but this one surprised me with its intensity . I just always thought in the back of my mind that she 'd help with this particular kind of decision making , probably because she was so very active in getting me my education , in finding a way to get me to better places when one place or another wasn 't working . She had a plan , is what I 'm saying , and she pushed and listened and made calls and made it happen . And that sounds like a terrible , pushy thing to do , I realize , but the fact is that I was a smart , shy , melancholy kid who made it through relatively psychologically intact and able to get into and thrive at a tough college that was without question the best place for me . And I don 't think that just happened by accident . In Jackalope news , she is nearly two , smart and gigantically tall , into music and dinosaurs and her big brother . She 's far more physically explosive than the Bean has ever been , and I suspect this version of two will be quite a ride . As a family friend noted at four months , she remains an " Imma do it baby . " I wanna do it MYSELF , Mama . She 's named or renamed all the stuffed animals , starting with " Baby Dog " and " Naked Baby Snake " and " Baby Fish " ( a blue whale ) and now " Eyebrows " ( a monkey we 've had for years , who does have a prominent brow , since you mention it ) , and the bear she got for Christmas , " Eyeballs . " She 's charmed the cat into letting her pet him , and though we laughed , she really did chopstick this dumpling into her mouth at dim sum . Categories : big city living , family matters , jackalope , my addled brain , the bean | Permalink . October 14 , 2015 by bionicbrooklynite 6 Comments Tuesday Tidbits I know it 's Wednesday , I KNOW , but it feels like Tuesday because I barely managed to sleep . You know that thing where you have a tiring day and you know the next day will be SUPER tiring , so you can 't fall asleep and then you inexplicably wake up at four a . m . and that 's just it ? That . Then I RUN to the car and pray for light traffic as I drive to a part of the city one should not drive to ( the train has no chance to getting me there in time - in the old days I would have just said I couldn 't make it , which is perhaps what I should have done this time ) and pay through the nose for parking so that I can pay through the nose for therapy . This one does EMDR and said actually insightful things on the phone and was willing to talk about his methods and so on . He is a friend of a smart friend , so I figure it 's worth a shot . Then I realized after getting off the phone that I recognized his voice because of a spot on This American Life about testosterone . Life in New York , I tell you what . I contacted three potential therapists this time around , and they all got back to me : the power of the end of summer , I guess . One was busy and recommended someone else . One was this guy . One , recommended by two friends , called me right back but got prickly when I asked about her methods . ( " Could you tell me about your philosophy and methods ? " " I believe people are a combination of identity and experience . More stuff along this lines . " " So , what kinds of methods would you use for someone like me ? " " I think I just answered that . " ) She was otherwise nice , though , and gave me the names of two hypnotists she thought I should try . Digging into all this stuff while teaching the history of asylums and mental health sects in the US gives me more patience for wacky ideas ( mostly because reading all this stuff brings up uncomfortable truths about how psychiatry has and hasn 't changed ) , but I 'm going to try contemporary woo for now . Post - woo , it 's off to Brooklyn Heights , another unparkable neighborhood , where I hope to be able to shelve the car long enough to go rehearse the Bach Christmas Oratorio with the choir I joined last fall . Here 's hoping listening to the first part in the car counts as practice . Then home , at the only time of day it 's ever truly hard to find parking . Yesterday , or Tuesday Part One , the kids and I almost finished making a cold frame for our garden bed . ( We would have finished , too , if I hadn 't forgotten the screwdriver . ) The Bean has been wild to have one since last winter ; someone in our building had wood scraps for free and someone else threw away a poster in a huge , plexiglass frame . Jackalope only smacked her hands down into the wet finish of the wood twice . Everyone was exhausted when we got home . The Bean was a certified pain in the rear about dinner . We 've been having more full family meals , but this time I hadn 't made one ( see : carpentry ) , so Sugar and I were pottering about during the exhausted wailings about how he just wanted to eat , which took the place of actually eating . I had my back turned when there was a tremendous bang , followed by screaming . Jackalope , flat on her back , on the floor behind her chair . Much holding . Much crying . Eventually , ice cream for everyone . When she had recovered enough to pause in her lamentations : Jackalope talks a lot now , by the way . Mostly English words , but also a lot of " CAMIMI , " a word of her own devising that the Bean says means " excuse me . " She also jumps off of a lot of things and can use her scooter ( " ma goot " ) , inherited from The Bean , shockingly well . She 's 20 months old . Sometimes she throws her arms around me and says , ala Daniel Tiger , " I yike you just way y ' are . " She gets away with a lot that way . Greetings from somewhere in Pennsylvania . I can 't be more specific , as the Bean has commandeered the the GPS device , it 's too mountainous for our phones to be speaking to us , and I have allowed technology to get the better of my map skills . Oh , here : mile 253 . 2 of Interstate 80 . Some peculiarly specific mile markers around these parts . Somebody 's brother - in - law has a sweet contract . We are en route to Chicago , where Sugar has pictures in a group show , and then to the the Sugar Family Manse in midMichigan . ( Chicago friends , how I wish we could visit you ! We will be under house arrest at the Sugar Family Pied - a - Terre , which is to say her late grandmother 's house on the far , far , far South Side . ) We are driving because , well , money . It 's good to have a car , though . This would be a real drag on foot with the granny cart . Item : We have continued the beach trips . The Bean is getting more comfortable with the water , in his incremental way . He likes me to carry him out into the water while Jackalope naps , and lately he will sometimes release his legs enough to kick wildly , as long as I grip his upper body to me . His friend S , who is a very strong and brave swimmer , dives into the waves around us while they both laugh . She has the sunniest nature , and they are an age when it does not seem to yet have occurred to them to let their differences in skills and constitution get in the way of their fun . Item : It is now Saturday , and we are in Chicago . The opening was a real pleasure - in a fancy Mies Van de Rohe building and everything . Jackalope marched me directly to the cheese table , and the Bean got a Sprite after he and I examined all of the architecture students ' models . Most of the gallery guests were ( like Sugar ) alumni of the Institute of Design and true to type , brain - wise , to judge from their satisfied reactions to the Bean 's vigorous use of his name card to swipe them out of the gallery as they exited the porch . Systems people understand each other . Also pleasant was visiting with Sugar 's first cousin and his family , which includes two girls , 9 and 5 . Isn 't it funny how babies born three months apart are radically different until age 15 months or so , at which point they are functionally the same age ? Neighbors of ours have a daughter eight months younger than the Bean , who suddenly became his age when he was three and a half . Likewise , the five - year - old cousin , who was older than the Bean at Christmas , is now his age . The nine - year - old remains amazingly cool . The Bean sat on the sofa next to her , saying hi . Hi , she replied , and returned to her book . They talked dot - to - dots later . Jackalope was beside herself . Item : Remind me not to let my kids play with the ostensibly nice neighbor here , who helps keep up the lawn and makes generally friendly offers of , for instance , letting the kids come swim in his pool , followed by announcing that the girls - who are FIVE and NINE - don 't have to wear bathing suits . Actually , no need to remind me . I think I 'll remember . Between this and Swamplandia ! , which I just finished and recommend highly , I am nauseatingly reminded of the dangers of girlhood , in particular the way you are never quite sure which things are dangers and which are jokes and which might become dangers if you don 't treat them as jokes and the way you are certain it 's your fault for not getting it . Item : On the topic of failure , I give the Ohio Turnpike website an F minus minus for their lyrical bullshit description of the history of Indian Meadows , the location of a service plaza in the eastern part of the state . It 's named for the redmen who lived there , you see , prior to the white men who , " unlike the red - skinned farmers , [… ] learned to conserve the soil . " European conquest was pretty much the least healthy thing to happen to the soil since glaciers , but in fairness , it is responsible for bringing to these lands the Gift of Sbarro . Item : Guess how many hours we 'd been with the Midwestern family before the first non - sequitur remark about the racist / awful South ? ( Yes , the South is plenty racist . It is not , however , uniquely racist , and the comfortable assumption on the part of white folks in the rest of the country that it is the home of all bad things perpetuates racism that doesn 't fly a confederate flag ( which frankly , has far more power to harm than most of those flag - wavers ) and gets on my last nerve . ) Item : My mental health still blows . A very brave friend with very significant head - demons recently noted that she can do all kinds of hard and scary things , yet have a panic attack at the idea of leaving her apartment . We made a list of panic attack triggers , the things our brains have evidently determined to be so dangerous that Attention Must Be Paid . My list included grapes , cinnamon , and bottled iced tea . Also guacamole and every medicine in pill form . Lo , how the mighty Better Living Through Chemistry have fallen ! I can 't take an Advil without wondering if I am swallowing cyanide ; I wish I were joking . The world seems so thin , so easily broken . I don 't know what 's become of me . Item : I am , for the record , actively looking for a therapist . Criteria : does CBT , takes my insurance , is older than I am . I have some issues surrounding talking parental death stuff with chipper young people . Possibly unfair , but there you are . Item : The other things I think would help are sleeping more and creating things . I haven 't figured out how to manage either . Getting hungry makes everything radically worse . Looks like I will be dumpling - shaped for the foreseeable future , as eating my feelings seems far healthier than acting on them . Uh , item : Not everything is misery . Jackalope is talking up a storm , which is my favorite , " LET ' S HAVE ALL THE BABIES " aspect of child development . She calls her brother " Bam " or " The Bam " and our cat , Orson , " Ohrsine , " in a very French way . She can say " paleontologist , " but somehow not " yes . " " I see you , [ person or item ] " is a frequent announcement along with " wanna [ x ] , " and " no biting , " usually right after biting me . She eats everything with gusto , followed by hurling it around the room with equal vigor . Item : The Bean is no less a marvel . He is tall and tan and proves to have a deep love of capoeira . Brooklyn being Brooklyn , we found a group that does lessons for four - year - olds and will give it a try in the fall . He is not a huge fan of the car , but has learned from our road trip with my Aunt Explorer the joys of chewing gum and washing the windows , which take the edge off . He remarked the other day how funny it is that everyone in our family has the same color skin , an observation whose logical basis I credit to his magical pre - school of the past year . He 's off to public pre - K in the fall , and even though I think that is the right choice - it 's free and around the corner and full time - it 's hard for all of us not to feel wistful . ( He could technically go to his old school for another year , at great expense even for a part - time schedule , but he is demonstrably ready for more class time . ) The local school is good , certainly fine for pre - K , but I have to take deep breaths when I think of my baby in a building where police officers run the front entrance . Plus the uniform is ugly , no matter how egalitarian in principle . I had a dream the other night that it was the picture for an article about ugly things . Update : while I was nattering on , we got ready to leave Chicago for the Sugar 's childhood home in rural Michigan . Then the phone rang with the news that her father 's little brother , who , like the rest of the siblings , lives in suburban Chicago , had had a stroke . So we weren 't going anymore . Then , in the morning , his sister the nurse said no more visitors , as he tries to pull his feeding tube out to talk every time he recognizes anyone . So suddenly we were going again , with Sugar 's parents planning to come back in a week . ( It is about a four - hour drive . ) Everyone is being very sensible and stoic and Midwestern . Item : We are now in Sugar 's tiny hometown , in the house she grew up in , which is somehow also the very cleanest artists ' studio you ever saw . I 've gotten used to the place over the years and forgotten how cool it is . I 'd take a better picture , but I am sitting with a not - sleeping Bean . Update : too dark . You 'll have to take my word for it . Paintings , prints , sculptures everywhere , yet somehow extremely clean . Lots of books . A large cat named Teddy . Item : MIL and I went to the new butcher shop at the edge of town - this is big news , as Carl 's grocery closed some time ago , leaving the town with zero food stores that aren 't a gas station . The new place sells great steaks , fifteen kinds of bratwurst ( blueberry ? ? ? ) , a smattering of produce , and a surprising array of bulk spices . They will also butcher your deer . Savvy business move , which I attribute to the owner 's wife working at the bank . The staff uniform is a camo hunting cap , which matches the wallpaper near the coolers ; transactions are observed by a small black bear , a caribou , assorted fish , a fox , several whitetail , and some others I have forgotten . I have taken an immediate liking to the place . Good steaks , too . Queens , too . Oh , and Staten Island . Brighton Beach / Coney Island and the Rockaways are accessible by public transit , yes , but by car they are ~ 45 minutes and I don 't have to schlep the stuff for three people plus , to one degree or another , those actual people using only my body . And then we are at the beach . The beach , I tell you ! Since moving to New York ten years ago , I 've made a handful of day trips to the beach . Fewer than ten , probably . In the first six days after getting the fuel pump replaced ( ahem ) , we went four times . We 're planning to go tomorrow . Again , who knew ? Jackalope and the Bean do pretty well together , but , well , siblings gonna sibling . Turns out putting them in smaller cages doesn 't help . At the beach , well , I have two buckets and there 's more than enough sand for everybody . Partly this is because of the relative tranquility and because , duh , who doesn 't love the beach ? Some of it is harder to pin down . Why should sand and salt and an environment where I really do need to be sure no one is drowning at any given moment make me feel so much more substantial , more tied to the world of the living ? I can 't tell you why , but at the beach I 'm not thinking about whether this shortened breath , that mild headache is the beginning of the end . It makes a pleasant change . Or next to none , anyway , as my phone battery is trifling and see above about real environmental dangers . 5 . It turns out I spend too much time on Facebook . I knew that , on one level , that " pay attention to your children / wife " level . What I did not realize is how much the click and click and click was increasing my anxiety . UGH . Facebook is a silly place , yes , but it 's also how I keep in touch with the world of adults and friends and complete sentences and big ideas . I just started a group for discussing anti - racist parenting , for instance . Also cat videos . The things people dislike about Facebook - the way it provokes envy , for instance , or a sense that one isn 't living correctly - aren 't the problem . The problem is the very act of watching those notification numbers light up red , feeling compelled to check them , again and again and now again . I love it , and apparently it 's terrible for me . UGH . Crossing the Mississippi in the dark again . The last time I was on this side of the river was exactly a year ago , heading north from my first Christmas with no mother . My father was with us , invited to join us for a week with Sugar 's family in Chicago and Michigan . Since moving to New York , we 've alternated , spending Christmas with one set of parents and the week following with the other . My dad was with us for the same reason I 'd insisted he come with us on our Virginia trip at Thanksgiving : I was afraid he would kill himself if left alone . He and my mom met in ninth grade . They got married right after college . He 'd never been alone . A year ago today , he was next to me in a coach car of this train , he in the aisle seat and I , pregnant and ungainly , at the window . I have a happy surprise , he announced . Love is blossoming between me and K , and old friend of my mother 's who had come from Alaska to the funeral . Love . Blossoming . At this point , my mother had been dead less than two months . I still spent a portion of each day sobbing , by which I mean not crying , which I still do , but the kind of thing that tears physically at your abdomen , the kind of thing that is screaming so hard in the shower that your throat hurts even though you haven 't let sound escape . A happy surprise . And at that moment , as I struggled to stay in control of myself long enough to stumble downstairs to the bathroom to sob some more ( because he is my only parent and I can 't afford to alienate him ) , I lost all the patient understanding I 'd tried to feel when there were no Christmas presents for me except the pajamas my mother had bought right before she died , the ones that hadn 't been meant for Christmas at all , since of course by then I was too big to fit in them . Nor did he wrap those , nor get anything for Sugar or the Bean , though we found things for them my mother had already set aside . I know that the " happy surprise " this trip is to plan for their wedding . Dad wanted Sugar to tell me , but she told him to do it himselfCategories : family matters , my addled brain , rotten things | Permalink . May 5 , 2014 by bionicbrooklynite 18 Comments Six Months In Six months in , everything about having a dead mother is still awful . In case you were wondering . Someone remarked today that there is no proper timeline , take as long as you need , but I think the truth might be that there is no timeline at all , that this just continues to suck , world without end . I know things were worse or maybe more actively bad say five months and three weeks ago , but it doesn 't seem like the chronic stage of this will ever be less painful . It 's true that I no longer contort my face in silent screaming every time I am alone in the shower , but I still cry every day . Sometimes I am in bed at night and it strikes me that I haven 't cried that day . Those were the nights I have the most trouble stopping crying . The thing is , I really don 't think I 'm depressed . I know what I 'm like as a depressed person , and this isn 't it . I 'm the tired all the time , distant , shut - down kind of depressive . The kind where you can 't shake the idea that the whole world is just a movie you are watching . I don 't feel like that . I engage with my kids , I find things funny and interesting . And then , because she loved my kids and there was literally nothing on earth that didn 't interest her , I immediately want to call to tell her about it . Luckily , that doesn 't happen much more than 150 times a day , usually . Did I say she loved my kids ? Well , she loved the idea of the second one . This girl who is such a pleasure , such an easy baby . Who I am able to purely enjoy in a way that , sick in so many ways , I couldn 't enjoy her brother at this age . To whom I know I am a better parent than I was to him , the kind of parent I wanted to show mine I could be . ( Do not get me started on my father , whom I love very much and whom I feel very hurt by and very worried about right now . Suffice it at this writing to say that I feel like I have lost both parents at one stroke . ) Dear Whatever Doesn 't Kill Me , begins an ecard making the Facebook rounds . You can stop now . I 'm strong enough . |
Even though we started planning our gift - giving back before Thanksgiving , somehow Christmas has snuck up on me this year . We 've barely decorated . Shayne brought our little Christmas tree out of the basement , the only fake tree I 've ever loved , and found that it will not light except in a band around the top . I 'm so very sad about it . I figured that maybe this would be the ideal time to transition to a real tree , which I 've always planned on doing . And then I remembered that I have a toddler who LOVES to play in water . And shake pole lamps . So we 're skipping the tree this year . I wrapped lighted garland around the stair banister , and it looks very pretty . I also put out a wreath , some little decorations , and our nativity set . But it just doesn 't feel quite like Christmas without a tree . I 'm going to cut the lights off of it and re - light it after Christmas . But with everything else going on this week , I just don 't have time to do it before . Plus , I want to wait for lights to go on sale . I am excited about Ethan 's Christmas . We got him two gifts : a Melissa and Doug wooden tool kit , and a set of colored pins that nest into matching cups . After reading some Montessori and Waldorf - y books , I 'm more determined than ever to have as many natural toys as possible . We got a lot of plastic toys for Ethan 's birthday , and I 'm trying to rotate them in and out so he only has one or two at a time . The rest are wood . cloth , and other natural materials . I 'm also excited about the gifts we got for others . Since we started to early , we were able to really think about what each person might want or need . And since we are essentially debt - free except for our house ( thanks Dave Ramsey ! ! ) , we got to spend quite a bit more than we have in the past . All cash . I 'm so excited ! Shayne and I really splurged for each other ( he got a DeWalt drill set , I got a NookColor e - reader , and we replaced our broken Xbox with a new model with the Kinect sensor ) , but I don 't feel guilty at all , since we could afford it . Such fun ! We truly are blessed , and I thank God every day for the wonderful people and opportunities we have in our life . I made a resolution about a month ago to get 150 things out of the house by Christmas . I 've been tracking my progress on a message board , but figured I should post it here as well . Some of the items have been sold , others given away , and some were just trash . Regardless , we have 85 less things in the house as of today . Here is my list so far : My buff Orpington has started laying , and we now get 3 eggs on most days . Hers are a very light , almost pinkish tan . The Australorp 's are a light brown , and the Wyandotte is a darker , but still light , brown . The other Australorp 's comb and wattles are finally turning red , so hopefully she 'll jump on the egg - laying wagon soon . I keep expecting egg production to drop , since our days are getting shorter . Everything I 've read about chickens says that they need over 12 hours of daylight to continue laying ( some even say at least 16 hrs ) . Right now we get about 10 hrs , 45 minutes , and it 's still decreasing . I guess it 's just another thing my chickens missed the memo about . This was a bit of a rough year ; between working full - time and keeping up with the kidlet , I didn 't really have much spare time at all . Next year should be more productive , since Ethan will be able to " help " with gardening and cooking a bit more . I 'm really looking forward to teaching him about growing food and raising animals . But even though this wasn 't the most productive homesteading year , it was still a blast , and I 'm really enjoying being a mommy . As far as homegrown foods . . . All that really survived our hot summer was the tomatoes and green beans . The broccoli fried in the heat , and the carrots never even sprouted . I wanted to plant potatoes and onions , but it never happened . Neither did the spinach or lettuce . Oh well . I did make lots of jam . I canned 6 half - pints of cherry butter , 9 half - pints of raspberry jam , and 15 half - pints of strawberry jam . There were also 6 half - pints of strawberry ice cream topping ( also great to add to yogurt ) . And I still have a bunch of raspberries frozen in the freezer waiting for me to make them into jam . The tomatoes were a big success . I only planted Romas , and I canned 12 quarts of sauce using only my tomatoes . I 'm definitely planting more next year . Frozen veggies . . . Didn 't happen . I wanted to at least freeze some corn , but the harvest came and went before I even had a chance . Oh well . I 've started on applesauce , and canned 6 quarts so far . I plan on buying another bushel of apples at the market soon . A yellow delicious and Empire blend seems to yield the tastiest sauce , in my opinion , but I might pick up some " mixed seconds " as well . My goal is 18 - 20 quarts . The best part of this year , and what makes up for the lack of productivity elsewhere , is the fact that we got chickens . Even better is that they now lay eggs ! I got our cute little balls of fluff on May 4 , and on October 11 my Wyandotte laid her first egg . One of the Australorps started on October 22 , and the buff Orpington looks like she 'll be laying any day now . The other Australorp seems to be a bit of a later bloomer . But her wattles have gotten a little bigger , and her comb a bit pinker , so I 'm hoping she 'll get started soon as well . Still , even 2 eggs per day is nice , and it 's enough for me to share with others . I 'm not keeping track , even though I probably should , but I 've gotten at least 4 dozen eggs so far . Chickens are so , SO easy . All I have to do is shut the coop door at night , open it in the morning , and check to make sure they have food and water . They pretty much feed themselves by free - ranging around the neighborhood , and eveny night they come home and put themselves to bed . They require about as much upkeep as a gerbil , but with the bonus of producing food . Can 't beat that ! I 'm already getting excited for next year ! I want to order from seed catalogues instead of buying hybrid seeds from the garden centers around here . I 'll probably get seed potatoes locally , but that 's it . Time to start browsing the web to decide on varieties ! I 'm not sure that anyone really noticed my absence , but I haven 't had any time to even think about updated recently . About a month ago , Ethan took his first steps . He 's a little on the slow side of normal to hit his milestones , but when he starts to do something new , he does it well almost immediately . Like rolling . He practiced a bit , but once he rolled over once , he was constantly doing it . And crawling . . . He never got up on his hand and knees , never rocked , never seemed to practice . Then one day he just took off . It 's been the same with walking . He went straight from cruising the furniture to walking across the room . He took 3 steps on his own to start with , and they 've just multiplied exponentially from there . Now he 's almost running . On top of that , he spends every second trying to remove the contents from every cupboard or terrorize the dog . And since he 's so busy . . . so am I . : ) This is one of my Australorps , happily parked in the nest box . I 'm so proud of her . I knew she 'd be statring to lay sometime soon , since she was exhibiting signs of sexual maturity ( large , bright red wattles and comb , squatting , and no longer shedding her neck feathers ) . But I wasn 't sure when she would lay , or if maybe she had already started . Some hens don 't lay in the nest box ( my Wyandotte ) or even the coop . So since they free - range most of the day , I thought she may be laying in the woods , or the neighbors bushes , or Lord - knows - where - else . I felt bad shutting all of the girls in just to see if one hen was laying , especially since there aren 't many nice days left , so I was determined to wait for a rainy day to keep them all in the coop . But apparently that won 't be necessary . This afternoon I came home from dropping Ethan off at his " grandparent 's " house , and was greeted by only three happy chickens . I checked the bushes , the neighbor 's yard , and the woods before thinking that she might be in the coop . I was going to do a side - by - side comparison of my " yard fresh " eggs with the all - natural eggs from the farmer 's market . But my mom didn 't get any this week , and the ones I had in the fridge , while still good , are a few weeks old . I didn 't really think that would be fair . The first thing I noticed was that the shell was extremely hard . I don 't feed any supplemental calcium , just standard Nutrena layer crumbles , some table scraps , and whatever they find while free ranging . I did get some oyster shell bits for winter , though , since they won 't be able to range as much . The second surprise was how orange the yolks were . I had thought that the orange yolks from the market eggs were bright , and they certainly are when compared to a store - bought , factory - farmed egg . But the yolk from my hens were BRIGHT orange . The egg white was also a yellowish color , not clear . How orange everything was became even more obvious once the eggs were cooked . . . Surprise # 3 ? They tasted like eggs . I had thought that maybe a truly fresh , free - range egg might taste . . . I dunno . Eggier ? Kind of like milk from a grass - fed cow tastes different . Nope . Although a free - range egg does have more nutrients , the taste is the same . So breakfast today was yard - fresh eggs ( scrambled with local milk from grass - fed cows and cooked in homemade butter ) and toast with homemade raspberry jam . If I 'd made my own bread , the entire meal would have been entirely homemade . But it 's close . I also noticed that one of my Australorps kept squatting while she was out ranging today . That 's supposed to be a behavior that comes right before egg - laying , so maybe soon we 'll be getting 2 eggs per day ! We haven 't eaten any yet , but I 've now collected 4 mini - eggs from the Wyandotte . She seems to lay them between 10 : 30 and 11 am ; if I go out there any earlier , she 's sitting on the little nest she scooped out of the pine shavings in the coop . I have to say . . . There 's nothing cooler than collecting an egg that 's still warm from the hen who laid it . After 5 months of not - so - patiently waiting , on Monday morning , I found our first egg ! It was tiny , smaller than a medium supermarket egg , but it was perfect . I am disproportionately excited . You 'd think I had laid that egg myself ! Yesterday , I accidentally left the coop door open overnight , so the girls scampered out at first light , and the mystery layer must have laid an egg somewhere in the woods or bushes instead of in the coop . But today I kept them shut in . At 9 : 30 I went out to check on them , and my Wyandotte was sitting on a little impression she made in the pine shavings . She 's the most shy , but she didn 't move when I came to the window . I left to give her some privacy . Our first eg s ! The first is on the bottom , today 's is above t . The white ones are extra large eggs from the mark I just came across this poem on a message board , and I really like it . Shayne and I have been discussing ( even before we had a child ) how to keep Christmas from turning into a toy explosion . Obviously , the Christmas season is about Christ , but we do believe that giving generously is an expression and celebration of God 's gifts to us . So we 're not anti - gift . We just want to keep it in control for the little guy . Especially since he 's way too young to even know and appreciate what 's going on ! This year , I 'm determined to avoid the " It 's two weeks before Christmas , what on Earth do I get so - and - so ! " scramble . One one hand , I hate thinking about Christmas this early , since it 's not even Halloween . But , on the other , I want to select thoughtful gifts for the people I love . And I simply cannot do that when I 'm pressed for time and caught up in the rest of the holiday rush . We stay pretty calm about Christmas here , but with work , the baby , and other family commitments , we do get pressed for time . And unless someone is saving for something large , I REFUSE to get gift cards . The only thing less personal is cash . While I am much , MUCH happier with our house and property now than I was a year ago , I still have this dream of buying a house in the middle of nowhere . We 've been trying like crazy to simplify our lives , both physically in terms of excess possessions , as well as spiritually / emotionally . It 's harder than I expected . Between work , family obligations , and my personal desires , I often feel like I 'm being torn in two or three directions . And our " stuff " . . . We already have less than many people I know , but we still have some clutter and junk that we don 't need or use . It 's a work in progress . Thankfully , the living spaces of our home are pretty clutter free ( excepting the kitchen , which seems to collect crap like nowhere else ) , and they feel much more serene as a result . But the embodiment of the simplicity dream , for me , is a cabin in the woods . On vacations Up North as a child , we almost always stayed in vintage cottages - places with more charm than convenience . There was one that had a makeshift bathroom on the screened - in back porch . There was a tub on one side , a sink and toilet on the other , and the main entrance to the cabin ran right down the middle . Another place didn 't even have a tub . Or a shower . We bathed in the lake every time we stayed there . We lived through rickety beds , mismatched furnishings that wouldn 't fetch a dime at the Salvation Army store , and cranky vintage appliances for a week or two every summer . And I loved it . So when I was perusing the real estate ads ( bad idea , I know ) and found an " Up North Cottage " for sale right in the area where Shayne and I hope to someday move . . . I fell in love . Hard . It 's small , about 800 square feet including an addition , but it has more than enough personality to make up for it 's size . There 's a fireplace , knotty pine paneled walls , hardwood floors , a vintage kitchen with drainboard sink , and 20 acres of meadows and woods surrounding it . It 's the closest I could ever get to Up North here in Indiana . It was on the market forever . And then one day , when I checked the ads for the first time in a while , it was gone . I mulled it over for a few weeks , then decided to call the realtor to see if it had sold or just went off the market for a while . Nobody 's bought it yet ; the seller is just taking a break . We have bulemia of possessions . In the week before Ethan 's first birthday party , Shayne decided to go through his boxes in the basement and get rid of everything he doesn 't want or need . I organized the dining room and bathroom . The end result was a monster pile of trash in front of our house on trash day , plus a load of stuff for Goodwill . Most of it was Shayne 's . I don 't know what he tossed , but I know that two shelving units in the basement are now empty . Impressive . What has been really great is how peaceful our house feels without the clutter . We 've already started to reaccumulate junk on the dining room table again , so I 'm making a serious effort to keep that area clear . It 's so hard , since it 's just the natural dumping ground for mail , baby toys , or anything else that we happen to be holding when we come into the house . But it 's also the first room we really see when we come in the back door , so when it 's not cluttered , it just makes the house feel more welcoming . I still need to get rid of more clutter . It 's like a snowball effect ; the more you clear out and organize , the more you realize you still need to do . But we 're getting there . This has been by far the busiest year since we bought the house . First , and most important , we had a baby ! Ethan is turning 1 next week , and I can 't imagine my life without him . He has a wonderful , happy personality , and he 's incredibly curious and adventurous . He crawls everywhere , gets into everything , and needs constant watching to ensure he doesn 't inadvertently kill himself ( which on some days it seems he 's intent on doing ! ) . Parenthood is awesome , and I 'm looking forward to the next year of this never - ending project . Our next biggest project was the upstairs closet shuffle , which is functionally complete but still a cosmetic nightmare . We installed Rubbermaid modular rods and shelving in both bedroom closets , and everything is painted . I have the doors for the office closet , but haven 't yet found any for the bedroom . We also don 't have the molding back up , although Shayne did fabricate matching trim for the doorways . But we finally got the upstairs floors refinished ! ! I hired out the sanding but did the shellacking on my own . They look so much better . They were never truly awful ( except for the office floor ) , but the polyurethane was really lacking in depth and color . My favorite project of the year was one I did very little work on and has nothing to do with the house itself . We took the plunge and got chickens , so Shayne built me a beautiful , big chicken coop . My girls aren 't laying yet , but should start soon . The neighbors all think they 're entertaining , so we let them free - range . They do go a little farther than I thought . . . Thye 've been sighted as far away as the bar or the church at the corner , and once in a while a neighbor will shoo them home . But they come running when they see me , which is nothing short of hilarious . They stick their necks out and run straight at me , clucking for treats . Our neighbors across the street laugh every time they see it , and Shayne calls me the chicken whisperer . The girls in their run Shayne 's favorite project is probably the shed . He 's still building it , but he wanted a place to store the riding mower , push mower , and garden tools . Personally I think our garage is plenty big enough , but I 'm not sure I have enough testosterone to say that with any authority . I 'm not complaining . He 's building it , it will match the chicken coop , and it makes him happy to build it . And the more building experience he gets , the less likely it is that we 'll have to pay someone to help us with house projects . In the past year , we 've also managed to flood the kitchen twice more , resulting in laminate flooring that will never , ever be the same . Shayne bought some tiles to temporarily repair the messed up ceiling ( I say " temporarily " because that entire room 's days are numbered . I cannot wait to gut it . And the bathroom . . . ) , but Lowes no longer carries that particular color laminate . The boards themselved don 't look awful , but the tongue - and - groove part is damaged from the water . We 're going to try cutting off the tongues to see if we can just get it to lay flat until we totally remodel . And we 're going to have a clean - out installed in the main drain to prevent future back - ups . And maybe a check valve in the dishwasher line so it can 't back - up . Ever . Because if this had happened in my newly remodeled kitchen , I 'd have a heart attack . We added 4 more raised beds to the single one from last year . I only planted a small garden this year , but harvested over 30 lbs of roma tomatoes . My broccoli kind of fried in the heat , but the plants are still alive , and I have some hope for a fall harvest . I also had a bumper crop of green beans . I put up strawberry and raspberry jams , strawberry ice cream or cheesecake topping , cherry butter , pasta sauce , applesauce , and apple butter . I still have corn and peaches left from last year . I didn 't freeze anything except the 7 chickens my friend raised . We 're in the process of rebuilding our food storage , since we 've been using it more than rotating it . . . ! Another ongoing project ( if you can call it that ) is getting organized . We 've now lived here long enough to know how we use the house , so we 've really started to pare down our belongings . I 'm saving 90 % of Ethan 's clothes , toys , and gear , but getting rid of most anything we haven 't used in the past year . I thoroughly reorganized the bedrooms , kitchen , dining room , living room , and bathroom , and we 're working on the back porch / laundry room and basement . Some of it is really difficult . There are things that you only use occasionally , but it would be silly to get rid of . And other things , like tools and renovation supplies ( paint removers , sandpaper , etc ) that I wish I didn 't need , but I do . But we 're getting there . . . In the next year , I 'd really like to finish the upstairs . Completely . And install our " new " prairie - style front door . That 's all . I love Craigslist . In case you can 't tell from the picture , it 's a quarter - sawn oak , Mission - style secretary . In near - perfect condition . I 'll take a better photo when I get my camera back from my mom , but be assured that it is gorgeous . I love how antique furniture looks so at home in this house . Whenever I get a new piece , it fits right in like it 's been here forever . I couldn 't find any pictures , but this corner used to house a little " linen cabinet " that we bought while still living in our rental hovel . It was about a third as wide and only had one drawer . I tried to use it to organize mail and paperwork , but it was just too small . I was able to fit everything ( except the things I threw away ! ) inside the new desk , and it 's now neatly organized . I ended up pitching about 30 pens , which I feel bad about , but we just had way too many . I swear they multiply . We had pens from politicians , from businesses , and God - alone - knows - where - else . I saved about 5 decent ones and put them in a pottery cup on the top , then tucked 10 or so more in one of the interior drawers . That is plenty and will probably last us the next 5 years . Saturday is going to be an organizational extravaganza . My mom is watching Ethan almost all day , so I 'm going to go through the cupboards on the back porch and reorganize everything . I 'm hoping to do the same in the bathroom . And the " office " . And the buffet in the dining room . Since I 'll have about 8 hrs , I 'm should be able to make my way through just about the entire house . I don 't have to worry about cleaning , since I 've managed to keep up with housework this week , just all the other little things that never seem to get done and then turn into big ordeals . Thankfully , I 've already taken care of the kitchen , our bedroom , Ethan 's room , and the basement pantry . Shayne watched an episode of " Hoarders " last night , and told me today that he 's determined to go through the basement and get rid of his junk and organize what he is keeping . I 'm amazed . I thought he 'd hang onto that stuff forever . Maybe I should arrange for monthly viewings of the show to keep him motivated ! I never realized just how hard it would be to accomplish anything with a baby around . Even with the use of baby carriers ( which I can 't figure out how some moms do without ) I still just can 't seem to accomplish as much as I feel like I should . I haven 't canned or frozen nearly as much food as I wanted to . There are tomatoes and green beans out in the garden waiting to be picked . I did get 7 quarts of spaghetti sauce canned last week , using only tomatoes that I grew . That was a great feeling . I 've still got a few quarts left from last year , so I think I 'm all set . I found out that I don 't eat as much marinara sauce as I thought I did ! I did make lots of jam , and I still have a half flat of raspberries in the freezer . My grandma loves my jam , and I think she 's been eating about twice as much as I have ! It 's just about time to send her some more . I 've also been busy just doing routine maintenence - type chores . The freezer needed to be defrosted , which was a huge chore since the door didn 't shut all the way at one time , and there were MASSIVE blocks of ice holding everything together on 2 of the shelves . I also checked and organized my basement pantry in preparation for winter . I don 't anticipate such a huge snowstorm this winter that we would be homebound for a month , but I 'd rather be safe than sorry . I should stock up on baby formula next time it 's on sale , just in case . It was so much easier ( and cheaper ) when I was nursing . . . I should also make sure we have enough kerosene . We usually keep about 30 gallons on - hand in the winter . If nothing else , Shayne will use it out in his garage workshop . Yesterday I edged the 75 ' long driveway and our front sidewalk . Using a shovel . It was nice enough that I could just plop Ethan on the grass , and he thought it was hysterical when I would jump on the shovel to dig it in . I filled the wheelbarrow 4 times with all the overgrown grass , and our front sidewalk is 30 % bigger . I had no idea that so much grass had grown over the concrete , since we haven 't edged in the 5 years we 've lived here . Yeek . But the list of things - to - be - done still keeps growing . I don 't even want to get into it , since there are things on there that I 've been needing to do for about 2 years . I am taking some time off towards the end of the month , though , and I 'm absolutely determined to have all of the living room woodwork back up and the stairway shellacked by the time I go back to work . But I think I 'm finally coming to grips with the idea that we 're not going to be moving for another few years . I want to . I really , REALLY want to . But we have a few factors in our personal and professional lives that make waiting a much wiser idea . I 've known this for a while , but I 'm actually starting to believe it , if you understand the difference . So , in order to make our time here more bearable , I 've been working on my attitude . Towards the eternally unfinished house , the neighborhood , and the neighbors . It was either that or go crazy making myself miserable . What started it was taking an acquaintence on a little mini - tour of my " neighborhood " . I use the term loosely , since we live in the county and we have the same number of people in a square mile as cities might have in a 3 - block radius . But showing the area to someone who had never seen it kind of let me see it the way I did when we first moved here . And what I saw surprised me . Although there are some hilbillies around , we really do live in a nice neighborhood . Not subdivision nice , but rural - ish nice . Almost all of the houses are well - cared - for , and the people are friendly . Our house , with flowers blooming all around and a messy veggie garden ( and in spite of the 80s facade ) , looks cute from the street . We 're surrounded by woods and hills instead of the flat cornfields that make up most of the rural areas here . And by the roads , our house is less than 3 / 4 mile from the lake . Speaking of the lake . . . When we first moved out here , I wanted to get a membership to the conservation club so that I could use the beach there . We 'd also taked about getting kayaks and paddling around . I used to walk down to the boat launch , just to look at the water . After all , what good is living by a nice lake if you never use it ? And so , 5 years after moving in , I finally got a membership to the conservation club . I don 't plan on hanging out at their bar with the locals , but they have nice grounds and a sandy beach . A few days ago I walked down and took Ethan for a swim in the morning before work . We had the whole place to ourselves , and he had a blast . Tonight Shayne and I got home at around 8 pm , and the bar was in full swing . But in an oddly appropriate twist , they had a rockin blues band , so it was actually nice to be able to hear the show from our backyard . I sat out for a while to listen until the bugs got too bad . Living in the here - and - now is not my strong point . I can 't help but be thinking about what I 'd like to do , planning ahead , and dreaming about the future . But now that I 've taken time to really look at what is . . . It 's not so bad . In fact , I kind of like it . Every year since I was 4 , my mom and I have headed " Up North " for vacation during the summer ( and more recently , sometimes in the fall and winter as well ) . For those of you not from Michigan , " Up North " is how we refer to the northern portion of the lower penninsula ( not to be confused with the upper penninsula , which is the U . P . ) . For us , Up North is the Leelanau Penninsula , the " little finger " of Michigan . It 's a beautiful area , surrounded by Lake Michigan and sand dunes , pockmarked with crystal - clear spring - fed lakes , and decorated with woods and orchards of cherry trees . It 's my favorite place in the world . This year it 's really made me examine how we live our life . We stayed in a very cute little cabin . It was probably built in the 1920s , and it had lots of charm and character , including a 1950s stove . It was small , maybe 600 square feet , but it didn 't feel cramped . It was cozy , but in a good way . It had everything we needed ( except space to hang clothes , but it was a vacation cabin , so whatever ) , and nothing we didn 't . I wanted to stay forever . About a week after getting home , I went to a house to take a burglary report . This house was maybe 1200 square feet , with a very open floor plan , so it wasn 't even large by today 's standards . But what struck me about this house was how calm and peaceful it felt inside . There were comfortable furnishing , but nothing extraneous . A few tasteful pieces of art were displayed on the walls and on a bookcase , but there was NO CLUTTER . None . These two homes have really inspired me to try and cut out the clutter from our home . I spontaneously deconstructed the kitchen one night last week and completely rearranged the cupboards and got rid of a bit of junk . It 's one of the hardest rooms to declutter , since you really have to keep some things that you only use once in a while ( turkey platter , certain servingware , my big canning kettle ) . But do I really need the golden retriever mug that I got when I was 12 ? Not so much . Three sets of mixing bowls ? Probably not . I also got rid of any storage containers that were missing lids , and any lids I didn 't have a container for . And by moving some things from one cabinet to another , the cupboards look much nicer and are much better organized . All of the food prep items are together , the servingware has a cabinet to itself , and all of the drinkware ( cups , mugs , and such ) are in one place . Of course , the floor still looks like shit after the flood . The cheapo laminate will never recover . There are pieces that don 't fit back together because they swelled , and the edges on every plank are raised . It looks bad . Combined with the hole in the ceiling , we 're really rocking the white trash kitchen look . But at least my cabinets are organized ! We 're still not sure what we 're going to do in the kitchen . We 're not prepared for a full remodel , but now that Ethan is crawling . . . Ugh . We 're going to have to do something . I just don 't know what . Next on my decluttering list is the basement . I have a few boxes of stuff that I never seem to look in . I think I 'm just not going to look and trash it all . I hate being like that , since I like to donate items that could be used . But if I look , I know I 'll never get rid of it . And it obviously means nothing to me , since it 's been boxed away since we moved into the Prairie Box . Seriously , if I haven 't looked at it in 6 years , do I really want it ? Or . . . Maybe I 'll limit myself to one rubbermaid container of " memorabilia " . Then I don 't have to get rid of everything , but I can keep a few items that are important but not really displayable . I think I 'll try that tonight and see how it works out . at Our cheapo laminate floor is ruined , which isn 't a huge deal since it only cost us $ 125 anyways . But it 's just one more thing to make the house look crappy until we get around to replacing it . Hopefully that will be soon . The drain folks are coming out tomorrow morning , so we 'll see what happens . In other news , Shayne found trim to match the existing stuff at the ReStore , so he trimmed out the closets this weekend . It 's starting to look finished ! We still have to find doors , but at least we 're moving along . Maybe in a day or so I 'll take the remainder of the painted trim to the Strip Shoppe so that it can get nekkid . The chickens are doing well and have expanded their range into our neighbors ' yards . Thankfully none of them mind , but we 've apparently been the topic of several conversations at the bar down the street . I never thought that chickens would be the talk of the town , but I guess there 's not a lot going on here . . . ! I 'm just glad that nobody is bothered by them , though I do worry a bit that they 'll venture out into the road and get hit . The meat birds out at the 5 - Oh Farm are also doing well and should be ready to butcher in 2 weeks or so . Jay has decided to take them down to Wakarusa for processing , since his Whiz - bang chicken plucker isn 't finished . We should still get fresh , semi - free range , hormone / antibiotic - free birds for less than $ 7 each . He had extra , so we 're getting 20 now instead of 10 ( but splitting with my mom ) . I really wanted to learn how to butcher , but maybe next year . I 'm thinking about getting a few of the " Freedom Ranger " chicks and raising them myself . Too soon to decide . I haven 't been posting about this as dilligently as I should . Although the idea and the building plans were mine , Shayne did nearly everything for this project . Basically I provided design consultation , but all of the labor was his . I would have liked to help a lot more , but we are almost never home at the same time anymore . And when we were , I watched the baby so he could work on the coop . And he did a wonderful job . You can see the girls through the coop window . . . They 're waiting impatiently for me to come let them range the yard . The window will soon have a real casement window that will open upwards ( is that still a casement ? ) to allow airflow without letting in the rain . We 're using vintage windows that my mom happened to have in her garage , but we need to reglaze them . The little door in the back is the egg door . Once the girls start laying , we 'll have nest boxes right inside that door so that we can retrieve eggs without entering the run . The access door for humans is on the far right . The girls spend most of every day on pest patrol in the side yard . Since this is where the garden is , I 'm thrilled with their choice ! Since the mulberries have started coming on , they can almost always be found right under the mulberry tree , eating berries and flies . The neighbor 's kids came over yesterday to help with storm clean - up . By the time they left , they were both begging their mom to let them have chickens too . I 'm really surprised at how much kids like the hens . I figured in today 's electronic society , they 'd just think the chickens were boring . I 'm so glad to be proven wrong ! Today is one of those days where I feel like I could live here forever . From where I sit in the dining room , I can hear frogs croaking out the open kitchen window . Oddly enough for a Saturday night , the bar isn 't in full swing . Maybe it 's the storms we had earlier . Whatever it is , I 'm grateful . Even though I 'm looking forward to the day when we own enough of our own property far enough away from " civilization " for frogs to be the main background noise , tonight I 'm just happy to be where I am . The veggies are growing , the chickens are roosting in their coop , the baby is asleep ( for now ) , and the hot and humid weather has been replaced with cool and clear . I 'm content . Today 's my last day of my 12 day vacation . I think I did everything but relax ! The chicken coop is nearly done , and the house is secured for the chicks to stay out there instead of in the kitchen ( YAY ! ! ) . Having them in the house was cute for about a week , then the constant peeping started driving me mad . We also had the floors sanded , and I applied 6 coats of dewaxed shellac ( Zinsser SealCoat ) to them . My knees and back were killing me for about 4 days . I 'm still working on moving all of the stuff out of the living room , but the upstairs is MUCH more organized now . I have 2 Rubbermaid containers of things that I can 't unpack yet , since we don 't have a desk for office supplies or a bookshelf for the books , but I suppose 2 organized containers is better than 2 rooms full of unsorted junk , right ? Yesterday I got more tomatoes and the broccoli planted , and I found a volunteer lettuce that sprouted from seed in a flower pot . The peas aren 't growing , and I 'm not sure why . We 've had plenty of rain . . . Today . . . I don 't know . I 'd like to take it easy and relax , but it 's kind of hard with all my chores staring me in the face . . . The sanders came at about 11 : 30 this morning and were here for at least 6 hours . I was kind of surprised , since I don 't remember the living room sanding taking very long . But it might have seemed like less time since I was the one doing it . Plus it was a smaller area , and unlike the upstairs , it wasn 't broken up into little rooms and closets . By 6 : 30 pm I had freshly sanded floors , and it was time for me to get to work . I swept again , then put on my first coat of shellac . I don 't have any photos of the fresh shellac ( I 'll get some tomorrow ) , but here is a shot of each room with the newly - naked pine . And I don 't have to do it this time ! Lately we 've been taking the " Y " out of DIY and just paying people to get it done . This was supposed to be finished last summer . Before I had the baby . Yeah . . . But at least it 's finally going to happen . The crew will be here sometime after 11 am , so we emptied the entire upstairs into the living room . Thank God it 's temporary . I cannot believe there are people who live like this all the time . Granted , they probaby don 't have 2 large dogs , a cat , a boxful of chicks , and a baby , but still . And speaking of the boxful of chicks . . . The coop is nearing completion ! [ insert happy dance here ] We 're done painting except for the trim that we will put up over the exposed ends of the hardware cloth , and then we just have to staple up the wire and glaze and install the windows . The girls will be in there within a few days . I can 't wait . They 're very cute , but the constant cheeping is making me crazy . I 've never had a bird as a pet , and I can now promise you that the only birds we 'll ever have will be yard birds . There 's no way I would tolerate this all the time . 3 weeks is plenty . I finally got the tomatoes planted ( Thanks Mom # 2 ! ) , and I 'm thinking that another 6 plants wouldn 't be a bad thing . I 'm going to have romas everywhere in August , but I plan on making lots of sauce . I still need to get a pepper plant or two , and maybe potatoes if I can find them . I 'm kind of late . . . As usual . We don 't meet with the realtor til tomorrow , but I already know that the 19 acre property isn 't meant to be . I went to walk around it again a few days ago , and after I left , I just got this feeling . . . And I knew we should wait . So we will . But we 're keeping our appointment anyways , since we want to talk with the realtor in person about exactly what we 're looking for . As far as I know there 's nothing on the market right now that matches it . Which is good , since we 're obviously not ready to move . Or rather , we are , but the house isn 't . . . But we 'll be at least one step closer by the end of the week ! The floor sanders come on Thursday , so I should be done shellacking the upstairs by Sunday or Monday . It 's going to be a huge mess with all of the upstairs furniture sitting in the living room and dining room . I think we 're going to have to move in with my mom for a few days , since there won 't be any room at all downstairs . That unfortunately means I can only apply one coat of shellac per day ( otherwise I 'd be driving back and forth way too much ) , but each coat will have plenty of time to dry . I 'm not looking forward to this , but at least we 'll be done with the major work upstairs . One step closer . . . ! Well , we might be nuts , but we 've set up an appointment to check out the house with 19 acres . I 'm of two minds about it . On one hand , if it 's a dump I can stop thinking about it . On the other . . . If it 's livable and has potential , I 'm going to drive myself more crazy than I already have been . Here 's the Good : The property itself is pretty much everything I could want . With 19 acres , there 's plenty of room for a pond , livestock , outbuildings . . . whatever . With the little barn and the littler barn , we could get some of those livestock without having to build anything to house them . Two car garage , trees for shade , and no neighbors . The closest one is about a quarter mile away . No more bar , no more trains , no more Metallica at 2 : 30 am ( Nothing against Metallica , but I don 't like it blaring in the middle of the night when I 'm trying to sleep ) . There 's also a fireplace and a big mudroom / laundry area . It 's within the 5 mile radius of town that allows Shayne to keep his take - home car , and it 's also near the highway that goes into the city for easy shopping . Even though it 's about 7 miles further out than our current house , they 're all highway miles so it wouldn 't be a hassle to run errands . The Bad is that the house is quite probably a little smaller than the house we 're in now . Only a partial basement , but there is a walk - up attic . No workshop outside , and I 'm not sure there 's space for Shayne to have his " Man Cave " / LED workshop inside . It 's also a 1950s house , which here in backwards Indiana means it looks like a ' 40s house . I don 't have a huge issue with that , but it just doesn 't have the character of a bungalow . But since this house is in need of updating anyways , I could always add architectural details . And maybe raise the roof and finish the attic . The Ugly : the septic . Just having walked around the property , I know the septic needs to be updated / replaced . The existing one is concrete block - lined holes in the ground . I know that 's pretty much what we have in the Prairie Box , but at least ours is buried . These you can see into from the yard . Yeek . . . I dunno if this house is " The One " . But it 's definitely got me motivated to finish work on the Prairie Box so that when The One comes along we 'll be ready . It 's also really solidified in my mind that I want a farm . My mental picture is of an old farmhouse or bungalow amidst rickety old outbuildings , but my logical side knows that would be too much work . A guy I work with bought a house with an old barn . The barn is in good shape , but there are lots of gaps in the siding where the boards have shrunk . The cheapest estimate to make it weathertight again ? ? $ 13 , 000 . So large barns or many buildings would be very expensive to maintain , and aren 't really worth the postcard look . And as much as I love old houses , and am dying to own a bungalow or another foursquare , I 'm willing to compromise if we can find the right piece of property . You can always change a house , but you can 't make a piece of property bigger , or change the neighbors , or its proximity to bars and railroad tracks . When they say that location is everything , they ain 't kidding . Ugh . Lots to think about . I 'm looking forward to Monday , so I can see what this stupid house looks like and get my head together . Even if I still want this property , at least it 'll be with full disclosure instead of all this wondering . Add this one to the list of things I never thought I 'd do . . . ! But it was very easy , and I 'm thinking that this will probaby turn out to be a bi - weekly thing . Or maybe I 'll do it every week to get up a freezer stash for winter baking . . . Here 's how to do it : Step 1 : Use a turkey baster or ladle to remove the cream from the top of the milk . Put into separate container and leave out on the counter for about 12 hrs . This allows the cream to sour slightly and will give the butter a more " buttery " flavor . Step 2 : Pour cream into the blender and mix on medium for several minutes . You will notice the consistency start to change and become thicker . The little curds of butter will rise to the top when you stop the blender . Step 3 : Use a spoon to scoop out the butter curds and place them into a separate bowl . Using the spoon , squeeze all the buttermilk out of the butter . Step 4 : Rinse with cold water , then work the water out of the butter . Rinse until the water runs clear . Below is a comparison shot . My butter is on the left , Meijer organic butter is on the right . I 'm guessing that the beta carotene from the cows eating grass accounts for the brighter yellow color in my butter . I used about 16 oz of cream and ended up with around half to two - thirds cup of butter . Now I 've got to figure out what to do with my buttermilk . . . Pancakes anyone ? I got my first " delivery " of milk today ! It came out of the cow yesterday morning , and I picked it up today at the farmer 's market . I 'm pretty excited about this whole " real " milk thing . The idea of being able to make my own butter , yogurt , and cheese seems sort of incredible . But by simply buying non - homogenized , un - skimmed milk , it 's opened up a huge realm of possibilities . Even though the picture was taken on my cell phone , you can still see that there 's a good 1 " + of cream at the top of each jar . Time to learn to make butter ! at The weather was perfect today , even early this morning , so I plopped Ethan on a blanket outside and did a little work in the garden . We got our truck fixed this week , so yesterday Shayne and I picked up and unloaded another truckload of dirt , which filled 2 of the beds . A third was nearly filled , so I think a half load will finish us up . Finally . This morning I planted my peas , carrots , and lettuce , plus leveled the beds . While I was messing around in them , I found lots of worms , so I know the soil is good ! I 'll be planting my tomatoes soon , and I 'm planning on a fall crop of broccoli and maybe spinach . Not as much as I wanted to plant this year , but . . . . eh , life happened . Shayne 's also been busy on the chicken coop . It now is fully enclosed ! ! Only another week and the girls can take up residence ! ! I can 't wait to have them out of the house , because Ares is about ready to climb into the brooder and eat them . Awful dog . And in other news . . . We 've scheduled our floor sanding for May 26 . I 'm off work for 12 days , and that falls right in the middle . If all goes well , we should have a newly shellacked upstairs floors and staircase by June ! ! One of the things I 've been wanting to do for a while ( about 2 years or so . . . ) is to find a local source for milk and dairy products . I visited a few cow share programs , and even bought goat milk for a while , but just wasn 't satisfied . I eventually want to buy and milk my own goats , where we are now , that 's just not practical . The county government requires agricultural zoning or 5 + acres for " farm animals " . And while we obviously fudged on that to keep the chickens , I wouldn 't want to risk goats . Maybe if this was going to be our forever home I would give it a go , but I can 't imagine trying to sell this house with a goat shack in the backyard . I just don 't see that being a selling point . So I went back to the Walkerton Dairy Herd Association . I 've known about them since I first started looking into " raw " milk , but the first time I visited , their pasture was only in its first year , and they were supplementing with alfalfa hay . And the milk tasted like alfalfa . Big time . Now the association is in its 3rd year , and their pasture is bigger and better . I know the milk will probably still taste alfalfa - y in the winter when there is less grass , but I can deal with it for a short time . And , after drinking some super - goaty goat 's milk , I think a little alfalfa will be fine . ( Regarding goaty - tasting milk : males and females were kept together at this particular farm , which gives the milk a strong " goat " flavor . Good goat milk , though , is nearly indistinguisable from cow 's milk . I found some locally , but at $ 10 / gallon , it was a bit too pricy for me ! ) After visiting again today , I 'm now the proud owner of 1 / 20 of a dairy cow ! I should get about 5 quarts of milk per week , which is more than enough for me . Shayne isn 't big on milk that has a slight grassy flavor . . . Depending on how much I drink , I think it 'll be enough to make some butter and maybe yogurt - at least in the summer . Milk production seriously tapers off during the winter , so I might even have to freeze some to make sure I have enough for year - round consumption . Shayne was busy outside today , and he got 3 walls of the chicken house sided . The remaining " wall " will actually be double doors ( to facilitate cleaning ) . Tomorrow he 's going to work on that , plus building a door to the coop itself . Once those are done all that 's left is to install the trim , add the windows ( which will be hinged for ventilation ) , paint , and staple up the hardware cloth . Having chickens in the house has been something of an adventure . They 're not smelly , but they do cheep constantly . And the cheeping drives Ares nuts . He 's always over by the " brooder " , peeking his head over the baby gate to see what 's going on . We 've held chicks near him , and he either sniffs them violently , licks them , or tries to bite off their head . We 'll need to do some serious doggy training . And thankfully we plan to build a chicken tractor . The girls are growing like crazy . In the past 10 days , they 've gone from little balls of fluff to half - feathered . They 've grown wing and tail feathers , and they 're starting to get body feathers as well . They 're also much more curious , noisy , and skittish . At first I could just reach in and grab one without much fuss . Now it 's like a game of keep - away . I 'll get some grit soon so that I can start feeding them treats . Hopefully they 're like me more if they associate me with good food ! I love it so much I could sometimes cry , but I 'm dying to own a farm . I want chickens and goats . I want a barn . I want to raise Ethan away from bars , and train tracks , and blaring radios . I know that tonight I 'll go home , walk in the house , and feel so comfy - cozy that I don 't ever want to leave . But right now , sitting out in the middle of nowhere and looking at a house and 19 acres that 's for sale ( and conveniently has a small barn , a mini - barn / goat shed , and lots of mature trees . . . Plus lots of pasture with a little woods . Plenty of room to dig a pond . And did I mention that we can afford it ? ) . . . Ugh . I 'm not really sure how this happened to me . I had a normal urban / suburban upbringing . Of course I was obsessed with pioneers , native Americans , and such , but nothing was there to make anyone think that someday I 'd have chickens living in my dining room and dreams of maybe raising grass - fed beef and pastured poultry and eggs . And so now the fact that the house isn 't done and ready to sell is making me nuts . I keep thinking of all the time I wasted before we had Ethan , since now it 's so hard to get anything done . I suppose we 're pretty close . If I 'm lucky , maybe we can get it done by fall , then start thinking about moving on . There is a lot left to do , but it 's all little things that can be done in baby steps ( thankfully ) . Just brainstorming , here 's what I come up with ( in no particular order ) : There 's so much that I want to do , I just don 't have time . It 's gotten a little easier as Ethan 's gotten older ( I can sit him on a blanket outside and do 30 minutes of yard work ) , but if I can 't do it in 30 minute increments , it ain 't happening . Like the floor sanding . We were going to do it a month ago . You can see how well that worked out . . . I 'm going to be taking some time off at the end of the month . Floor sanding will happen then . I hope . One thing we did accomplish is paying off our car ! Yay ! Having Ethan means that we 're not following the Dave Ramsey plan to the letter ; I 'm not comfortable only having $ 1000 in the bank , just in case something happens with the baby and I can 't work for a while . So even though we had enough to pay off the car before our tax refund came in , I just wasn 't able to take the money out . But once we had our tax money , the car got paid off ! Now I just have one student loan left . And again , we have enough money in the bank to pay it off , but I just can 't seem to write the check . But that 's okay . Within 6 months it 'll be gone , and we 'll be debt - free except for the house . [ Picture me doing a happy dance here ] The other progress has been the chickens . I 've wanted chickens for a few years , so just getting the chicks was a huge step . Even better is that Shayne has really warmed up to the idea . That 's why I got chicks instead of adult hens . With cute little babies in the dining room , he 's been picking each of them up at least once every day . I figured he couldn 't resist their cute fluffiness , and I was right . I 'm such an evil , scheming wife . . . : ) My homestead has farm animals ! ! I finally got the call from the feed store yesterday morning . My chicks were supposed to be in Monday afternoon , but there was some kind of delay in shipping . But at 10 : 30 am , I drove off to the feed store and returned with a little peeping box . I got 4 chicks : 2 Australorps , 1 buff Orpington , and 1 gold - laced Wyandotte . This is Shayne holding one of the Australorps : So far , everything is going well . They 're living in our old recycling bin in our dining room . We have a 250 watt heat bulb about 3 feet up to keep them warm . The only other things they need are pine shavings for litter , chick starter , and water . They 've been sleeping a lot , but that 's normal since they 're only 2 days old . I 've been trying to handle them often so that they get used to me . Once they 're old enough , I 'll give them little chick treats ( like bugs or vegetables ) , but that won 't be for a few weeks yet . Once they start to get some real feathers , we 'll move them out to the ( currently unfinished ) coop . More on that later . . . at I drew up some preliminary sketches , and a few days ago Shayne and I finally made it to Lowes to pick up our lumber . I wanted to go to the ReStore first in case they had suitable material , but we ran out of time . So it was all new lumber . . . Sorry , Earth . At least the metal roofing is salvaged . Today we had a coop - raising , and Shayne , my best friend 's dad , and another family friend came over to help build . I provided technical consultation and child care . It was hard for me not to be as hands - on as I wanted . . . But , not surprisingly , everything went fine without me . : ) Welcome to my houseblog ! Our home is a 1920 - something Foursquare located near South Bend , IN . Although it is in very good shape structurally , some of the previous owners made dysfunctional improvements over the years . The last owners started to straighten things out , but were forced to relocate before they got very far . My husband and I are working on finishing the job and restoring our home to as much of its original appearance as is possible and practical . We are also moving towards leading a healthier , more sustainable life . This includes eating local organic produce and meats , and learning to grow our own foods . We 're also learning to examine our lifestyle and make more deliberate choices . |
I recently completed my undergraduate degree in English , spent a year in Germany , and then completed my Master 's in Library and Information Studies in Halifax . I 'm now living in a small town in Alberta , living the librarian dream as I work for a library system that serves 47 rural libraries . I 'm a bagpiper and am always looking to explore the world and expand my knowledge . I hope you enjoy reading along with my adventures ! Link from this blog to another I could tell I was on a flight to Canada when I noticed someone wearing a lululemon t - shirt at the airport : I have been going to the gym in Berlin for 9 months and haven 't seen a single item of clothing from there . It 's a bit strange to be surrounded by English speakers again , since now I can understand every bit of chatter going on around me . I had gotten used to only understanding bits and pieces of what people said in nearby conversations , since it was always out of context . However , I have had a few conversations with Germans in today 's flights , and I feel that I am way more confident now that I would have been in September . Learning a language is basically an endless process , but I like to think that I am as fluent as I hoped to be when I began taking German classes three years ago . I set out to write this particular blog entry as a summary of what I have experienced this year . It feels as though my time here has flown by , and yet when I look back at everything I 've done , it feels like I 've been here for an eternity . I know that it is practically impossible to summarize my experiences completely , so I 'll try to keep it brief . ( Upon my completing this blog and transferring it to wordpress , I must admit that it is anything but brief . Prepare yourself ! ) At the end of August 2013 , I gathered my courage and boarded a plane to Berlin for nine months away from home . Unlike a lot of people who take on courageous new adventures , I was lucky enough to have my boyfriend waiting for me at the arrival gate . We spent three days in Berlin before driving to Köln ( Cologne ) so that I could begin my orientation for a year of working at a German High School . I had been part of an orientation the summer before , and was expecting a miniscule group of students ; instead , I met hundreds of people from around the world , and got to bask in accents from Ireland , England , Scotland , New Zealand , and Australia . Everyone was welcoming and friendly towards everyone else , and I created a group of lifelong friends . The people from that orientation that I have stayed in touch with has changed over the year ; while about 15 of us went to Oktoberfest together , there are about six of us that have remained close . However , I like to think that there are many people that would get in touch with me if they ever came to Canada , and this orientation had a much larger influence on my year than I would have ever expected My work contract ran from September 1st to May 30th . In the first month , Sebastien helped me to deal with technicalities such as obtaining a bank account , registering where I lived , obtaining my proper visa , and joining a gym . Beginnings have always made me panic a bit , but everything went very smoothly . The other day , I was able to cancel my bank account without any issues ( I like to think " I 'm moving back to Canada " is a great reason to give for cancelling a bank account ! ) and Seb had the foresight to store my moving - out documents in a place where we could easily find them and send them to the right people once I left . The end of September resulted in a slew of Oktoberfest activities - I went to an Oktoberfest in Berlin for two separate weekends , and also spent three days at an Oktoberfest in Munich . For the longest time , I didn 't think the trip to Munich would happen , because of the expense and the fact that there was hardly anywhere to stay . But thanks to the research of one of my British friends , we were able to pull it off by staying in tents and going during the week instead of on a weekend . The experience was unforgettable ( feel free to read my blog all about it , if you haven 't already ! ) although I don 't think I will ever need to repeat it . Sleeping in a tent in October is not necessarily the nicest experience , and it was amazing how good it felt to sit on a cushioned bus seat instead of a hard bench by the end . Since the first two weeks in October were a holiday for High School Students , Sebastien and I took the chance to take a short trip . We had a lot of different options in mind , but settled on Barcelona , Spain . We spent almost three days there , and were able to pack in lots of sightseeing . We hiked to a few good viewpoints , walked through the narrow streets , went to the beach , and enjoyed the fantastic weather . It was a great vacation for the two of us , and ironically enough it was one of the few chances we had to take a mid - week trip together ( after that , I would either have work or he would have school ) . At the end of October , I was feeling slightly depressed about missing out on Halloween , but was in for a treat when Sebastien and I went to a German Halloween Nightclub Event . I had always heard that Germans were not as much into Halloween as Americans are , but in general their concept is quite different . Instead of a mixture of all sorts of costumes , the Germans who chose to dress up were all gruesome and frightening . With fake eye - contacts and more fake blood than you can imagine , and a mixture of stapled - on faces and torn wedding dresses , it was obvious that they take their costumes very seriously . It was certainly different from any Canadian Halloween I had experienced ! At the beginning of November , Sebastien and I took a road - trip using his parents ' car . Our first stop was the city of Weimar , where we were able to see the amazing Herzogin Anna Amalia Bibliothek . After that , we continued on to Erfurt for two nights , during which time we went on a hike and were able to walk around the city at night enjoying the sights . The slight nip in the air by then , along with the gradual setting up of Christmas markets , made me start to get excited for the holidays . The next day , we continued on to Eisenach and the fortress at Wartburg where we were able to see where Martin Luther once spent time while translating the bible . I had visited these places once before with my eleventh grade class , but this trip was different - not just because it was only two of us instead of 110 , but also because I had learned a lot more about history by that point . When I first arrived in Berlin , I had joined an orchestra with Sebastien 's mother , playing the double bass . I had not played this since High School , and even then it was only in jazz bands as opposed to with a bow in an Orchestra . Early in November , this Orchestra hosted a Christmas concert . I played my bagpipes for one song , and managed to keep up with the band on my bass for the rest . It 's been quite a while since I performed , and I forgot the satisfying thrill that comes with playing for an audience . I was presented with flowers at the end , and was so happy to have had this chance to play music . I was also asked to play my bagpipes for the Christmas concert at the school where I worked . I was extremely nervous before the event itself , but had a lot of fun getting involved in activities outside of the classroom . My mom was in town for my actual performance , and she accompanied me for my practices and came with me for dinner before the big show . Her and Sebastien were in the audience for the performance itself , and I was once again exhilarated at the opportunity to perform for such a large audience . As I just mentioned , the arrival of December coincided with the arrival of my mom in Berlin . It was so great getting to explore all of the Christmas Markets with her , and getting to show her all of the different aspects of my life in Germany . During the second weekend of her visit , we went with Sebastien 's parents to Dresden . While this trip was accompanied with extremely cold weather , it was also an amazing cultural experience . It was easy to get into the Christmas spirit with booths selling handmade goods and glühwein , and we walked around the Christmas Markets for hours . We also got to see a bit of Dresden besides the markets though , with visits to churches and a tour of the Opera House . I was sorry that I would not be with my parents for Christmas Day , but it made a lot more sense for my mom to visit a bit earlier in the month . Flights aren 't very hectic at the beginning of December ! I loved the Christmas holidays in Berlin . While we have a few Christmas Markets in Canada , they are often indoors and involve pricey , artsy works for sale . The ones in Germany are more about being able to grab a seasonal bite to eat , and getting seasonal decorations and gifts . You hardly ever have to pay entry for Christmas Markets in Berlin , and I went to many notable ones over the month of December . When friends from Calgary visited Berlin , we took them to the scenic Christmas Market at Schloss Charlottenburg ( I 'm sorry that there isn 't a picture of them here , but we had a terrific time ! ) New Year 's Eve in Germany was fairly similar in Canada in regards to the partying … but the major difference was the fireworks ! I know that fireworks can be used as a way to celebrate in Canada , but during the few days before the New Year , the purchase of fireworks becomes legal for everyone . Starting early in the day on New Year 's Eve , people start lighting fireworks from sidewalks , street corners , parks , backyards , balconies … our neighbourhood is usually quiet , but you didn 't go long without hearing fireworks all day ! We went out to celebrate in the evening , and at midnight the skies went insane . When we went home late that night , there were remnants of fireworks at every step . The next big event for me was my birthday . Sebastien took me to Tropical Island just outside of Berlin , and we spent the day relaxing inside of a huge , tropical dome . The next day , I was extremely touched by the amount of people that came out to help me celebrate my birthday . Sebastien 's sister also baked me a delicious cake ! At the beginning of February , Sebastien 's mom and I went to Grüne Woche . This is a yearly event that takes place in a large building , and there are lots of things to see ; some rooms sell outdoor goods like fireplaces and watering cans , and there are rooms with huge displays of flowers . There were sections where you could explore different cultural booths , and there were also places featuring animals like sheep , goats , pigs , cats , and dogs . It was a great way to celebrate the fact that Spring was on its way ! Between November and February , I was able to take part in a German Language Course at Sebastien 's university . In the grand scheme of things , this course was quite short , but I still think that I learned a lot from it . You never know where you 'll learn the words that stick with you , and this course helped me expand my vocabulary a lot . I also think my grammar got a bit better , and in general it was helpful to speak German non - stop for three hours a week ( and that 's not counting my Orchestra practices ) ! I feel like this class was a great bonding experience for everyone involved ( there were about 15 students ) and it was interesting to meet people from all over the world that had come to Germany for their education . There was one girl that I grew fairly close to , and we continued to get together throughout the rest of my time in Germany . Near the end of February , Sebastien and I took a trip to Prague . It was a fairly short trip , but we managed to pack in lots of sightseeing during our time there . Prague is an absolutely gorgeous place , and I loved being able to see a number of historical libraries amongst other sights . We did a fair amount of hiking , and spent a memorable night dancing at Europe 's Largest Night Club . We timed our trip really well , because even in February the city was quite busy - we didn 't want to imagine what it must be like during the warm summer months ! During a bright and sunny March day , Seb and I took a day trip to Potsdam . Potsdam houses a large historical park ( Sanssouci Park ) , and we enjoyed walking between the different historical buildings . One of these buildings was where the Potsdam Conference was held , where treaties were signed after WWII . Many of the buildings in this park were built for Frederick the Great , who had his summer home there - these buildings include an " orangery " and a Chinese tea room . St . Patrick 's Day turned out to be a fairly minimal affair in Berlin . One of my British friends mentioned that there was a St . Patrick 's Day parade going on , and according to the website it was a fairly big event . Seb and I arrived , and found that the parade consisted of the Berlin bagpipe band , along with " St . Patrick " chasing around a big snake ( aka : four people under a sheet ) . There were lots of people walking alongside the parade doing nothing ( including us ) and the whole thing was slightly silly but still fun . I found out that the Berlin pipeband has a pretty cool bass drum , with the Berlin bear playing pipes . At the end of March , my dad arrived for a visit ! We took a short trip to Amsterdam , and had a great time there absorbing the culture . We were able to visit both the Van Gogh Museum and the Anne Frank House , and we came home with lots of cheese and tulips . Over the Easter Weekend , Sebastien and I took a short trip to Magdeburg and Leipzig . These towns were quite easy to get to , and it didn 't take very long to see everything that we found interesting there . Both of these cities experienced a phase of historical importance , during which they were as popular as Berlin is now ( Magdeburg was first , and then Leipzig ) . One of my favourite things to see on this trip was the Monument in Leipzig , which was erected in memory of the battle of Napoleon that took place there 200 years ago . At the beginning of May , I went with Sebastien and a group of others to a Wine Festival going on in Werner , which is a town just outside of Berlin . We went to this festival two weekends in a row , and got to enjoy cheap , fruity wine while taking in the sunshine . There was a stage with live music , and lots of festival foods available . There were also various rides and electronic games , which reminded me of the Calgary Stampede . The last trip that Sebastien and I were able to take during this amazing year in Berlin was to Usedom Island , just over a week ago . Usedom Island isn 't very well known amongst Americans as far as I know , but to Germans it is a fairly common vacation spot . While Usedom itself is in Germany , the island contains parts of Poland , and we enjoyed going across the border for our dinners while there . We visited Peenemünde , which is where Wernher von Braun and a team of engineers built rockets during WWII . Besides this , we got to enjoy time on sandy beaches , and also got to see lots of farm animals in the small towns on the island . The trip reminded me of all my favourite things about Portree ( Isle of Skye , Scotland ) , Victoria ( British Columbia ) and Nova Scotia . It was a lovely , relaxing experience for Sebastien and I , and I am so glad that we had the chance to take that trip before I left . So what comes next ? In four days ' time , I will go to Nova Scotia for a week - long trip with my mom . While there , I am hoping to take a look at the Dalhousie University Campus , since it is where I will be spending my next two years completing my Master 's in Library Studies . I have started a librarian blog , and am hoping to write in there more often from now on . I have no idea when my next trip to Europe will be , but I am hoping it will be sooner rather than later . I 'm having a hard time believing that my nine months there has officially come and gone . It has been an unforgettable year , and my life has been enriched for the experience . Thank you so much for reading this blog . I am sorry that it went on for so long ! I did a fair amount of things over the course of the year that I will never forget . I hope that you enjoyed reading about them as much as I did writing about them . While the goodbyes were sad , I got to create a lot of great memories with the people I have befriended this year . While it is an unfortunate fact that travelling means having to say goodbye often , partings are sometimes a great way to let someone know that they have played an important role in your life . One of the inconveniences of not knowing a lot of German is that sometimes I couldn 't find the right words to tell someone they meant a lot to me ; but I like to think that usually I got the message across . The first goodbye gathering took place during my second - last week of work . A few of the students in my Conversation Course could only make it every second week , so we decided to have a bit of a party that week instead of waiting for my very last class . I brought in cookies that I had baked at home , and the lack of leftovers showed me that they were pretty well received ! One of the grade six students was sweet enough to bring me a coffee mug , and two of the grade ten students gathered their funds to buy me more chocolate than I will ever need . A grade seven student brought me a bottle of champagne , which I 'm assuming his dad bought . So much of my work this year was as an " assistant " and I spent a lot of time hovering in the background , and yet these students stated that their English was better thanks to the work I had done with them over the course of the year . It was a very memorable class ! The next day was my last day with my favourite grade six class . When I first started working at this school , I never would have expected that I would enjoy working with younger classes ; the idea of trying to keep a group of young kids under control seemed extremely daunting . However , while older students were constantly worrying about the impression they made on their friends , young students were eager to learn and would constantly put effort into their work - no matter how many mistakes they made . There were three or four classes that I worked with a lot over the year ( whereas there were other classes which I only sporadically worked with ) , and I feel like I made a connection with a lot of the students in these classes . Grade sixes are unfortunately not the best of secret keepers : the teacher I work with had told me there would be a surprise for the last half of the class , and as the students walked in , at least three asked her loudly about when we would get to eat . However , we spent the first half of the class being productive , and then the teacher announced we would be walking to an ice cream parlour nearby . It was a gorgeous and sunny day , and the parlour turned out to be on a pretty street I hadn 't really noticed before . There was one grade seven class that I consistently worked with throughout the year , regardless of other schedule changes . It was actually the first class I ever taught - it 's quite strange to think back now to how nervous I had been back in September . The teacher of this class was one I really enjoyed working with , and on my last day at work she presented me with a card that the grade sevens had all signed . On my last day ( which was Wednesday May 28th , thanks to the holiday that was that Thursday ) the English teachers all presented me with a few gifts as well : a coffee mug and notebook for when I go back to university , and a novel and card . I was so happy that they showed this recognition for my work over the year ! I had two classes on that last day : one with a grade ten class , and my very last Conversation Class . The grade tens also presented with me a card - I really enjoyed preparing material for this class in particular , and I feel like they found me quite relatable as I worked with them this year . Conversation Class was pretty small , but there was one student who had gone home thanks to sickness earlier in the day , but made it to class since it was my last one . I was a bit emotional as I walked away from school that day ; it was such an amazing opportunity to get to work there , and I can hardly believe it 's over . Besides school , there were other groups of people that I had to say goodbye to . While most months I tried to avoid doing too many costly activities , I didn 't want to miss out on anything in my last month in Berlin . I have a group of friends doing the same work as me , whom I met at the orientation in September . Right before my last week of work , about six of us got together for a night of Indian food and karaoke . There were plenty of cocktails involved , and a lot of laughs . Sebastien and I got home at about 7 in the morning from a night club , and I couldn 't stop thinking about how great a time it had all been . After that , we made sure to get together for one last " Sneak Peek " movie night . We actually read online that no sneak peek would be taking place that week , so we decided to go see the newly - released " Maleficent " instead . One of my lovely British friends , Sarah , came over before the movie , and we cooked a tasty vegan meal and watched " Sleeping Beauty " so that we would be all caught up on our Disney references before seeing " Maleficent . " We then met up with the others for dinner , and had a great time at the movie . That evening was my last time getting to see Sarah , as well as my Australian friend Simone . The goodbyes were unpleasant , but I have high hopes that I 'll get to see both of them again soon . The more I write , the more I realize that we had a lot of " goodbye " visits … one of my friends left on the same day as my last day of school , and we went out the night before that . Sebastien and I went out for one last " Sneak Peek " ( I know I said " Maleficent " was the last one , but by this time there were only two from our original group left ) and on that evening I was able to see two more of my friends for the last time . For the record , the movie was " Walk of Shame " and it was a pleasant change from a lot of the intense dramatic movies we had seen lately ! I had one week without work before leaving for Canada , and on June 2nd I had my last band practice with the orchestra I had joined in Berlin . The fact that I was leaving was announced , and we managed to take a lot of great group photos . We wanted to take one of us all posing with our instruments , and someone said that I should stand in the middle since I 'm the one leaving - it 's a good thing I thought to lie my string - bass down on the ground and sit beside it , because otherwise you wouldn 't be able to see most of the band ! While a few people always agree to come out for dinner after practice , that week a sizable group all came along . We ate at my favourite Italian restaurant , and it was a lovely evening . A lot of people took the time to come up and say goodbye to me individually , which I found touching . I must have heard the joke " well , you 'll have to come back for our concert in November ! " about thirty times , but I thought it 's very sweet that they want me to come back ! During the week I had off of school , I also took the time to do a few " last " events for myself . I went to my favourite Irish pub for lunch , and sat there for about two hours reading my new book . I hear that that pub is insanely busy during the evening , but in the afternoons it 's quiet and relaxing . I also went back to my favourite bookstore one last time . I managed to resist buying any books , but enjoyed perusing the two - floor English selection for quite a while . This past weekend , there was a Cultural Festival going on in Berlin . Sebastien and I , along with a group of his friends , decided to check it out . It was about 30 degrees outside , and there were about ten of us walking around enjoying the sunshine and the sights . The festival consisted of lots of food and drink booths from all sorts of countries , and at least four different musical stages with live music . My favourite was the salsa / Spanish stage , where performers effortlessly played types of music I 've only heard in restaurants or night clubs . Some booths were serving coconut drinks straight from a coconut , and by about 4 in the afternoon there were coconuts littering the ground everywhere . The American contribution was mini - donuts and churros , which made me chuckle a bit . There were a lot of vegan options at the festival , since a lot of cultures thrive on this cuisine . I decided to stick with my langos , mainly because once I was hungry it was the first delicious thing I spotted . We spent a long time at this festival , but once we left , we headed to a bar with three of Sebastien 's closest friends . We didn 't stay long since we were all exhausted , but we shared a heartfelt goodbye . It makes me so happy to know that these people are my friends too , as well as Sebastien 's - I 've known some of them for three years by now . I really hope that I will be able to visit again soon ! Monday was reserved for just Sebastien and me to relax . I did all of my packing on this day ( and was able to fit it all comfortably in my suitcases without exceeding the weight limit . Woohoo ! ) It was hot again , and we went for a swim in the lake nearby . Over the past while I have been asked countless times what Sebastien and I are planning to do since we 're back to long distance ; we 've been pretty good at managing it so far , and I think we 'll continue to do so without any trouble . The goodbyes I have gone through have been tough , but they 've provided me with a lovely way to truly appreciate the bonds I have created with different people over the course of this year . There were so many aspects of my life here - work , international friends , the orchestra , and Sebastien 's circle of friends - that I had to enjoy . In my short life , I have been to a lot of places , and been able to meet a lot of terrific people ; I consider myself to be the luckiest girl in the world for this . While I hate having to leave Berlin , I am so excited for all of the people in Calgary I will be reunited with - and by the time September comes , I will be embarking on an entirely new adventure . Sorry for all of the sappy sentiment ! Thank you so much for reading this blog . It is because of positive feedback that I continue to write , and I am so lucky to have people that care about what I have to say . I 'm sorry that it has been such a long time since my last post . As my year in Germany is slowly coming to a close , I am taking every opportunity to get together with friends and enjoy new experiences , and this means that my blogging has gotten lazy . Also , a teacher at my school recently asked me to copy - edit his sister 's Master 's thesis in English , and I spent a week doing this and not much else . Within the next little while , I will be sure to post a blog all about my last days of work , and other nick - knacks of information such as how it was eating at a blind restaurant . But for now , I 'm going to tell you all about my weekend trip with Sebastien . As of today , I have one week left in Berlin , before I fly home to Calgary for the summer . For our second - last weekend together , Seb and I decided that a trip was in order . At first , we were planning our trip around the prices of busses and trains . However , Seb 's parents generously allowed us to use the car , which opened up lots of new doors for travel possibilities . We eventually settled on Peenemünde , which is in the North of Germany . I had never heard of Peenemünde before ( in fact , I think I still fail at spelling it ! ) but I trusted Sebastien 's skills as an amazing travel planner . In preparation for the trip , I began reading the novel " Dr . Space : The Life of Wernher von Braun " by Bob Ward . Wernher von Braun was a scientist that played a crucial role in putting the first American man on the moon . He was a German - born engineer , and Peenemünde is the place where he and other scientists built and tested rockets during WWII . Sebastien 's initial interest in going to Peenemünde was to see the location and museum showing where these rockets had been built . He also knew that this was far from the only thing we see on our trip : Peenemünde is located on an island with gorgeous beaches , open green fields , and tiny towns . This trip was quite different from a lot of the others we have taken so far this year , where we went to well - known cities and spent the entire time walking between famous sites . While there were a few specific things we wanted to see on this trip , there was a lot more room for improvisation - we were able to take our time and make it up as we went along . The biggest factor that limited our beach time was how many hours of parking we had paid for ! There are numerous small towns on this island , and it doesn 't take an immense amount of time to get from one spot to the other . Our hotel was in the town of Usedom itself , and we started our adventure by walking around there for a little while . We found a small farm with chickens walking around the yard , and then proceeded to a small spot by the water , where there was a restaurant and a few " Trabbi " cars parked in the lot . These cars are from East Germany originally , and aren 't normally being used anymore . We saw quite a few on our trip though , and learned that there was a convention for these cars going on that weekend . The last photo I put up is of our view from the hotel room . Not too shabby ! The rows of multicoloured houses reminded me a lot of Portree , on the Isle of Skye in Scotland . It had the same sort of small - town feel , and was also on the water . Shortly after , we decided to head to the beach . We drove to another town , which only took about 20 minutes . The roadways themselves were quite small , which meant that if there was a lot of traffic you wouldn 't get anywhere very far . Lucky for us , the roads were basically empty ! The island is very long and narrow , so while we went to the beach that was facing the ocean , you didn 't have to travel very far to get to a beach on the other side facing the mainland . We saw a few more Trabbi cars in the parking lot , and reached a tourist - y shopping area before going to the beach itself . It was a lovely day for going to the beach . We had thought about going for a swim , but after dipping our toes in briefly we realized that the water was absolutely freezing . We rolled up our pants and walked along the beach for about two hours , admiring seashells on the sand and listening to the waves ( and Seb got to listen to me talk , because that pretty much never ends ) . We worked up an appetite with all of our walking on the sand , and eventually decided to head to Poland for dinner . I 'm not very confident of the geography of it all , but part of Usedom Island is Polish instead of German . We drove along for a little while , and suddenly there was a sign stating that we were entering Poland . This was my first time in Poland , so even though I spent a matter of hours there , it was still pretty cool ! We were pretty hungry by the time we crossed the border , so we quickly found a place to park our car and then walked a matter of blocks before finding a place for dinner . Because it was so close to the border , there were a lot of advertisements written in German to attract tourists . Poland is known for having relatively cheap goods such as cigarettes and alcohol , and we saw a sign in German for " cheap cigarettes " at a few stores . A lot of places there accepted Euros , despite the fact that they have a different currency ( zloty ) . It was difficult to translate the prices , but eventually we caught on to most of the exchange rates : my 7 zloty soup was about 2 euros . Our meal consisted of two drinks , one appetizer , two main courses and two desserts , and came to 23 euros in total , or about 71 zloty if I remember correctly . Because we were in Poland , I ordered the perogies . The dough casing was a lot softer than Canadian perogies , but of course it 's hard to compare something fresh with something you toss from the freezer into boiling water . The waitress spoke English and German as well as Polish ( the table next to us was speaking English , and we mainly stuck to German while ordering ) and the menu was in all three languages . After dinner , we headed back to the hotel . The next morning we were given a complimentary breakfast , and were pleasantly surprised to find out that there was a sheep - selling event going on that day . We saw an itinerary for the day 's events , and at 3pm there was to be a knitting competition . It was a shame we wouldn 't be around the town at 3 ! It was all going on at the square just outside of our hotel , and after we had brushed our teeth we headed over to check it out . There were a few goats and sheep , and a sizable market where goods such as yarn and knitted things were being sold , along with homemade honeys and jams . I got to touch a sheep , and my day was basically made . After we had roamed around for a little while , we got in the car and headed to Peenemünde . The museum was pretty easy to find , and we started off by seeing the outdoor features . Naturally , the coolest thing to see was one of the V2 rockets . I was glad that I read the book about von Braun , because I learned a lot about all of the work that went into developing these rockets . I think I had a hard time visualizing just how big rockets are ; later on when the size of the V2 rocket was compared with the Apollo rocket that put the first man on the moon , it was astonishing to think of how huge it was ! We then went inside the museum , and learned a lot about both the Peenemünde camp itself , as well as the history of space exploration . The museum addresses the conflict between Peenemünde 's deadly role in WWII ( through both the damage the rockets caused to British cities , as well as the concentration camp workers that suffered there ) and the scientific advances that were made there that made space travel possible . One of the questions posed was " What responsibility do engineers and scientists have towards fellow human beings and nature ? " I found it really interesting to consider the difference between the book on Wernher von Braun and the information portrayed in the museum . While the book emphasized that von Braun was powerless over a lot of the factors at the camp ( such as how concentration - camp workers were treated ) and would have been killed if he had taken a moral stand , the museum emphasizes the amount of suffering that concentration - camp workers had to endure - and basically states that the scientists and engineers were determined to achieve their goal regardless of how workers were treated . In a lot of ways , the book and the museum state the same thing , but the book uses several examples of von Braun 's humanism to justify certain periods in his history , while the museum portrayed certain cruelties as black and white . Sorry if you have found this paragraph quite boring , but I do think it 's an interesting example of how you can use different words to make the same story come across differently . The other difference between the book and the museum was that the museum explored a broad range of the different people and ideas that made space exploration happen , whereas the book focussed on von Braun ( this is a bit of an obvious statement : the book was written about him ! ) The first part of the exhibit talked about different novels by people such as Jules Verne that got the ideas for space exploration going . Then , there are a few photos shown with a description of significant men in rocket development - a lot of these photos feature von Braun and are shown in the book too , but in the museum descriptions he is hardly mentioned . One of my favourite features in the museum was one hallway that had a series of long boards . On each board was written a year , between about 1932 and 1945 or so . On the top half of each board , there were several propaganda photos that were being used for promoting the war at the time , along with facts about what was happening that year . On the bottom half , there would be facts about what developments were being made with rockets and the establishment of a plant at Peenemünde . This timeline helped me to put it all into perspective , and I spent a lot of time reading these . There was one specific room that talked a lot about the actual rockets themselves , including their engine design and the science involved in it all . There was footage playing of some of the test launches that took place at Peenemünde . In the book about von Braun , I was amazed at how long he managed to live considering how many dangerous tests he was involved in for making the rockets . But I don 't think I really appreciated the danger and destruction of it all until I saw those videos . One rocket could hardly get off the ground , and it just fell over on its side instead of getting into the air . The explosion after it tipped over was huge , and there was fire everywhere . No wonder rocket development ! requires so much funding ! I also got to see an old calculator , which looked like a very small typewriter . After this , there were a lot of the facts about the London bombing of the Peenemünde facility , along with the work that was done to move rocket development underground . Questions were also raised about the justification for using rockets ; a few V2s were fired on England even after Germany already knew they were going to lose the war . Should " wanting to get back at them " really be an excuse to cause more destruction ? I think this question tried to be original , but really the issue of " getting back at someone " is present everywhere in society , especially on television ( you killed my father , so now I will kill you ! ) But I digress . The museum then described the Space Race , and the role that Germans from the Peenemünde facility played in other countries . There was a good representation of the Cold War using a chess board . Unfortunately , by this time I had taken way too long at all the other exhibits , so we had to hurry along to the factory before our parking ticket ran out . Once we were done exploring , we decided that we should perhaps form a plan for the rest of the day . The woman working at our hotel had recommended the upside - down house to us that morning , so we figured we would drive by and check it out . The house is actually upside - down , and all of the furniture is on the ceiling . So if you take a picture there , it looks like you 're the one upside - down ! We found this house beside a lot of other attractions for kids : there was a Butterfly Farm ( big building where they 're flying around ) and a mini - theme - park , and go - karting as well . In the end , we decided against going into any of these places , including the upside - down house , since it didn 't really strike us as something that was worth the money . However , we did find goats ! They were part of a petting zoo that was closed for the day - so I couldn 't go inside the fence , but could still watch the goats for a while . There were a few baby goats which made me super excited . Some of them came to say hello , and one or two even stuck their heads through the fence . They figured the grass on my side was much better than on their own . It was quite philosophical , really ! After I had my fill of watching the goats ( I could never have my fill … but we were both getting a bit hungry ! ) we decided to head back to Poland . We crossed the same border as the time before , but this time we drove a bit more into the actual city before parking the car . One thing I noticed on the island is that there were a lot of outdoor cats . We saw three together one time , and never went long without seeing one walking around or sunbathing . Before dinner , we had been hoping to find a lighthouse that is apparently record - breakingly large , but in the end weren 't quite sure how to get to it . We did spend some time walking along the harbour though . This portion of the trip reminded me a lot of Nova Scotia , where I 'll be studying for the next two years . When we started trying to find somewhere to eat , we stumbled upon a square where there was a sort of celebration going on . Winnie the Pooh and other Disney characters were walking around taking pictures with people ( their heads were a bit squished though , so I didn 't feel the need to get a picture ) and there were bouncy castles and trampolines . Amongst the chaos , we saw a large pub that we instantly figured we should eat at . It reminded me of " The Old Spaghetti Factory " at first glance , although it was a lot more " modern " on the inside . I was able to find a vegan meal ( not very easy in restaurants , I 've come to find ! ) and Sebastien and I both laughed at all the vodka choices available . The next day , we started off with breakfast and then packed up our things and said goodbye to Usedom . We still had a matter of hours before we would have to drive to Berlin , so we started by trying to find a beach in a town nearby . We drove by a few houses that were selling fresh eggs , or honey and jam - you could buy these things and just leave the money in a jar . This system made me nostalgic for both Vancouver Island and Nova Scotia - I love that type of system ! We found one area that was full of vacation cottages , and this led to a small area of water that I suppose could be called a beach . While we were here , I took a few pictures of the straw roofs - this is such a crazy concept to me ! I had no idea that straw roofs were a real thing . Apparently it 's fairly cheap , and works very well ! After this short excursion , Sebastien - being the brilliant travel planner he is - located a place nearby where we could rent a paddle - boat for an hour or two . We found the spot pretty easily in the next town , and found that it was quite the nice area with a restaurant next to the paddle - boats . When we first took off , I was really intimidated by the area of open water we entered . However , we stuck fairly close to the shoreline , and spent as much time lounging in the sun as we did actually paddling . The sun came and went , and even though I sometimes had to put on my sweater , I managed to get a sunburn from the day . After this , we began the journey back to Berlin . There were gorgeous green fields to be seen along the way , which was good because we were stuck in traffic for quite a while . Lucky Sebastien got to hear me playing my chanter for 45 minutes or so to pass the time ( I have a competition coming up , so I better practice ! ) Overall , it was a fantastic weekend . I hadn 't expected to be able to see so many cute farm animals , so that was a lovely surprise . While different from a lot of vacations we 've taken this year , it was nice to go somewhere and treat it as a chance to relax and enjoy the outdoors . Seb and I are facing a few busy days ahead of us , since he is back at school and I have to start packing for the flight home to Canada ; this trip away from everything was exactly what we needed . It has been quite a while since my last post , and for this I apologize . After the whirlwind of travelling adventures that took place in April , May has slowed down a bit . However , I 've still been up to lots of entertaining activities , so I shall take advantage of this blog to write about them ! For quite a few years now , Sebastien has attended a Wine Festival just outside of Berlin during a weekend in late April / early May . I often get to hear about the Wine Festival , but have always been unable to attend thanks to living in Canada . But like so many other things I have finally been able to partake in this year , I was able to come to the Wine Festival ! A group of us ( some of Sebastien 's friends , along with one of my good friends from England ) , took the Regional train out to the small town of Werder , where the festival takes place . Apparently this town is extremely quiet for most of the year , but during the festival it goes insane . Reminds me a bit of the Canmore Highland Games in that way , except that the festival goes on for multiple weekends . The proper name of this festival is " Baumblütenfest , " and it is primarily a celebration of Spring and blooming flowers . A large part of the festival is the fruit - flavoured wine . When we first got off the train in Werder , there was a wine stand selling 1 litre bottles for 5 euros . They had tasty flavours like raspberry , strawberry , rhubarb , cherry , and pear . Sebastien and his group knew to stop and pick up a bottle here , because everywhere else within the festival was selling the bottles for a minimum of 6 euros . By this point , it was about 11am - perfect time for a bottle of cherry wine ! There had been a lot of people on the train , and as everyone moved towards the festival , the streets got continually more crowded . Once we were in Werder 's more commercial area , there were lots of shops everywhere . Mostly they were selling different foods and drinks , but there were some shops selling jewelry , clothes or other hand - made knick - knacks . I was ecstatic to see that they were selling langos ( a thin dough deep - fried and then loaded up with toppings like garlic and sour cream ) but didn 't get one on that particular day . After this , we went across to a more adult - themed area of the festival . At this spot , there was a stage where live performances were going on ( which would turn into DJ performances during the evening ) and there were picnic tables to sit at . The thing that made this an " adult - themed area " was the increase in alcohol - selling booths , and the only ride around there was a crane from which people could bungee jump over the water for 50 euros . Come to think of it , there were also bumper boats , but the bungee jumping was a more noticeable attraction . For our first time at the festival , we didn 't stay all that late into the evening . But we decided to go back the next weekend , and once again lucked out on the weather . There were a few different people on the second outing , but we still had a great time . The primary difference between the first and second visits was that I got to enjoy a langos , and we stayed later into the night and danced in front of the stage for quite a while . One of the things I love most about Berlin is all of the outdoor events . In the future , I would love to plan trips to Germany around the beginning of December , because that 's when the Christmas Markets are all beginning , but aren 't too full yet . And the Christmas Markets are pretty legendary ! Similarly , there are a fair number of Easter Markets that go on . A few days after Easter , I went to work and found out that I wasn 't needed in my first class because the students were writing a test . Since I had 90 minutes to kill , I headed back to Alexanderplatz ( two stops away ) and got to look around the Easter Market since it was still going on for a few more days . There were rows of different shops selling candy , cheese , bratwurst , t - shirts , jewelry , and other goodies . Based on my addiction , and the fact that I will probably not have access to any once I 'm back in Canada , I bought a langos . There were quite a few beer booths and sitting areas around , but they weren 't very busy since it was still 10am on a weekday by this time . The most exciting parts of this Market ( besides the langos , of course ) were the merry - go - round and the goats . At least , I think they were goats … I 'm not quite up to snuff on my different breeds of sheep and goats . But there were also bunnies beside the goats , so in general there were a lot of adorable critters . And the merry - go - round was a double - decker one ! In the end I resisted the urge to take a ride - it costs money and I didn 't quite blend in amongst the 6 - year - olds . But it was fun to look at and take pictures of ! But enough about animals and merry - go - rounds . The last exciting thing I wanted to mention in this blog took place this past Saturday , and was the " Lange Nacht der Wissenschaften , " or in other words , long night of sciences . Berlin is known for it 's various " Long Night Of " events , and in the past Sebastien and I have been able to attend both the long night of Museums and the long night of Libraries . The concept is that people pay one fee , and are able to walk in to any number of institutions . On the long night of museums , we were able to make it to about four museums between 5pm and midnight . For the long night of sciences , various libraries and universities were open , and you could go and see experiments take place . Sebastien , being the amazing planner that he is , took the time to make sure that we could hit up a lot of different things that specifically interested us . We started off at the Humboldt University Library , where they were offering tours of the library and a look at some of the " behind - the - scenes " work of a librarian . Of course , the complicated part of this entire evening was that everything was in German ; even if my conversational skills in German are now fairly good , my understanding of complex science is pretty terrible ! Our first plan was to join a tour of the library , but once I realized that this was the same library I 've visited with different grade 11 classes at work , I figured that it was unnecessary . After that , Seb and I were able to see books being digitized . We saw how a fancy scanner is used to make a copy of each page , and after that , the librarian adjusts how the pages are seen on the computer before they are made accessible online . I learned a lot of interesting things about how copyright is involved and how this process differs from things like Google books . At least I think I learned these things : Sebastien translated most of it for me once we left ! We then headed over to the Technische Universität to catch a few lectures and experiments . We started out with a lecture on the idea of life on other planets , and this was followed by a lecture on satellites . After this , we went to see various experiments - two of which involved wind and the idea of wind resistance affecting the speed of vehicles . There was one huge hurricane machine , in which wind is simulated at different speeds . A few people got to go inside it individually , and the challenge was to see how long they could hold on to a few boxes as the wind speed increased . This was a lot of fun , especially since I could enjoy the visual experiment and didn 't have to try and understand the German . I also ran into someone that plays in my orchestra there - it 's not very often I see people that I haven 't met through Sebastien ! Another experiment we got to see involved a plane turbine . I didn 't understand a lot of what was going on , but Sebastien explained it to me after we left . The experiment itself involved the energy it takes to give a plane speed . So we went into one room wearing headphones and eye protection , and watched a controlled stream of fire . When certain factors in the machine were changed , the sound of the fire got insanely loud as the pressure changed , and I was holding my headphones even closer to my ears in an attempt to drown it out . To end off the evening , we headed to the Technische Universität Library for some dancing . You couldn 't hear a sound as you walked up to the library , because everyone on the dance floor was wearing headphones ! It was quite the cool concept - there were three DJs , and each person could choose which DJ to listen to at any given time . When you looked around while not wearing headphones , it looked like everyone was dancing without music . But once you put on the headphones , you could join in the party - even if you were off the beat from the person next to you because you were listening to a different station . Who said libraries were just for nerds ? On Sunday , I went to a vegan restaurant for one of the tastiest brunches I 've ever had , and on Tuesday I am headed to a blind restaurant with a group of my friends . We 'll be eating in complete darkness ! It 's been a lot of fun exploring events that Berlin has to offer . I am down to my last three weeks of work in Berlin , and am determined to enjoy every moment before heading home for the summer . On Friday , we drove to Magdeburg , which is a small city about an hour and a half away from Berlin . We booked a hotel there for the night , and had a fair amount of the day to walk around town . Magdeburg is the city in which Otto von Guericke conducted an experiment in which he put together two large hemispheres , pumped all the air out , and was unable to separate the spheres again even with a team of horses . As a result , there were a lot of decorative hemispheres throughout the city - they reminded me of the Berlin bears , or the cows that can be seen around Calgary . The hemispheres I took a picture of aren 't extremely pretty , but they 're an example of what was around town . The city of Magdeburg is about 1200 years old , and used to be considered the hip city of Germany ( to put it in today 's terms ) . We made sure to visit the Cathedral of Magdeburg , which took over 300 years to build , and the construction of which began in 1209 . This church is home to the grave of Emperor Otto 1 the Great , who was once the ruler of all of Europe . We were not allowed to take pictures inside the Cathedral , but it was pretty amazing to get to see such an influential piece of European history . My favourite part of our trip to Magdeburg was seeing the Green Citadel . Contrary to what you may think , this building is actually pink . It was the last building designed by the Austrian artist Friedensreich Hundertwasser before his death in 2000 . This building serves multiple purposes : it has tourist shops , a hotel , apartments available , and even a dentist 's office . There are two open areas within the structure , and you can walk through and admire the pink walls and the fountains , along with the artsy shops . The reason it is called the Green Citadel is that the roof has grass and trees all over it . You can technically walk up one slanted side of the roof , from the ground , but it was blocked off to us . The whole place was vibrant with life and colour , and I loved it . Hopefully you get a bit of a sense of what it looks like , based on the photos . However , you can probably also see that the weather wasn 't great for the whole day . At the end of our touring around town , we found a great little Italian restaurant and had a relaxing dinner . The next morning , we headed to Leipzig , which was about an hour away from Magdeburg . Our first stop was the " Monument to the Battle of the Nations " . When Sebastien had told me we would be visiting a monument , I pictured a small statue on an open field . As we approached it from the other end of the city , it loomed in the distance - it wasn 't until we were fairly close to it that I realized how huge it was in ratio to its surroundings . You could see people walking around near the top , and they were miniscule ! In the picture below , you can tell how far back the monument is when you see the tiny people walking on the steps . In 1813 , a significant battle took place on this spot in Leipzig . Napoleon had been taking over land in different countries and claiming it for France , but he was defeated in this particular battle . This monument was built 100 years after the battle , to commemorate Napoleon 's defeat in Leipzig . Once we were done at the museum , we began the long climb up the monument . There was a short set of stairs outside , up until the dark square you can see in the photo above - that was the door through which we entered the monument . In the photo below , we 're just outside of that door and looking up at the height we still have to travel ! Once inside the monument , there were a number of levels that you could visit . There were large stone statues everywhere , and you could look up from the ground floor all the way to the top . Where we entered was the ground floor , and from then on we were facing a very narrow circular staircase to get the rest of the way up . To get to the middle floor ( one above the ground ) you had to enter from the outside , so we visited that once we were done climbing from the top and then back down . Once we were at this spot , there were no longer two staircases ( one for people going up , and one for people going down ) but we instead had to wait at one staircase for the people to come down before we could continue upwards . There were red and green lights letting us know when we could go . Once we got to the top , we were on the roof of the monument , and free to enjoy the view . Needless to say , it was gorgeous . Leipzig is sometimes referred to as " Little Berlin " , and the size of it reminds me a lot of Victoria in BC . There is a sizable downtown area , and it has all of the perks of a big city , but you can easily walk through that downtown in the span of an afternoon . One reason it is called " Little Berlin " could be that one particular parliament building looks a lot like the parliament building in Berlin . We found a medieval fair going on in a square , and I was able to track down some langos ! I learned about langos at a Christmas market - it 's a flat , fried dough covered with garlic , sour cream , and cheese . It 's a lot tastier than it sounds , and I 've been craving it ever since Christmas , and had figured I would never find it again ! The whole area was extremely crowded when we were walking around , since it was a gorgeous day outside , as well as a holiday weekend . A few of the other highlights we checked out were the St Nicholas Church , quite a few Bach monuments , and the enormous train station . We were hoping to visit the University of Leipzig campus , but unfortunately it was closed because of Easter weekend . When we got back to Berlin , we went to an Easter bonfire that was going on . I don 't know if that 's as big of a tradition in Canada or not ( maybe I just didn 't know about it ? ) but over here there are often bonfires put on to celebrate Easter . In the small town where Sebastien 's grandparents live , they collect a huge pile of firewood throughout the year , and then burn it on this weekend . The one we went to was put on by the fire department , and was closely monitored , and promptly put out at 10pm . On Easter Sunday , we went to Sebastien 's parents ' house for Easter Brunch . The Easter Bunny must know I 'm in Germany , because he gave me as many chocolate eggs as he gave everyone else ! We had a great day and enjoyed the sunshine . I hope that you all had a terrific Easter as well ! Before my Dad arrived in Germany , I asked him if there were any places in particular he really wanted to see within Europe . It 's such a long stretch to come from Canada to Europe , but once you 're here it is fairly affordable to get from one European destination to another . Dad said that he would be more than happy to stay in Berlin for the entirety of his stay , but out of places he would love to see , he listed Italy , Spain , and Amsterdam . Because I was working during Dad 's visit , we only had about five days in which we could travel . We could leave on the Thursday directly after I finished work , and thanks to a bit of lenience in my schedule , we could return late the next Monday . We decided on Amsterdam , since it can be done as a road trip instead of by flying . Sebastien and I travelled to Amsterdam about three years ago , with a group of friends . We had a good time , but out of all my travels it was not the most fondly remembered . The canals were gorgeous , we had great weather , and it was interesting to see a completely different culture . But our accommodation was very basic ( no toilet paper or soap , and kitchenware only in one building ) , the trams took forever to get around in , and it felt like no one we interacted with was very friendly . It didn 't help that my German was so bad that I couldn 't really converse with my companions . But I was more than willing to go back with Sebastien and my Dad , even if it was more for the sake of a road trip together than for the destination . I finished work pretty early on the Thursday , so we were able to get on the road by about noon . Our first stop was Wolfenbüttel , where we admired a historical library ( wonder who requested that stop ? ) . We then continued on to Herford , where we enjoyed dinner and climbed up to a fortress as darkness was setting in . The next morning , after breakfast at our hotel , we headed to a swimming pool that Sebastien had found online . It was pretty spectacular , with a wave - pool and two water slides - one of which went super fast , and the other involved riding in a tube . At first we didn 't see why there were so many more people going for the tube slide instead of the other , but once we experienced it we couldn 't get enough . The entire slide was painted on the inside , with different animals and scenes , and music playing and lights flashing . There were tons of places where you could spin and rock back and forth on the sides of the slide . It 's a bit hard to describe , but the point is that we had a great time . After that , we got on the road again . Sebastien booked us a bed and breakfast in Amsterdam that was a bit far from the city center , but much cheaper than anything directly downtown would have been . We had thought that our living space would be in the house of the owner , but he actually drove us to an apartment a few blocks down . The apartment had three bedrooms , but only one other couple was ever there during our stay . The owner stocked our fridge with breakfast supplies , but besides that we were free to cook for ourselves , plus use the big - screen TV in the living room . It turned out to be a great deal ! On our first night , we found a grocery store and bought a few things to cook our own dinner , then watched a movie and went to bed . It wasn 't very long before we reached our first cheese shop of the trip . I don 't remember a lot of cheese shops being involved in my last visit to Amsterdam , but they are indeed everywhere ! Big huge stores filled with wheels upon wheels of cheese . My first meal downtown consisted of samples at a cheese store - you can sample just about every product they offer , and each one is tastier than the last . It was extremely hard to choose a favourite , but I think it was the pesto . It looked unique since it was green , and I loved the garlicky flavour of it . The pictures above that are taken inside a cheese store actually show one of the smallest ones we visited . The " Old Amsterdam Cheese Store " in the last photo is one of the bigger ones , but we didn 't take pictures inside . This cheese store was in the same square as the Royal Palace of Amsterdam , which proved to be a great beginning point for our walk through the city . One of our first stops was the Anne Frank House . I heard from a friend back home that this was a memorial definitely worth seeing , and I wanted to be sure and experience a bit of history on this trip . Unfortunately the Anne Frank House was extremely lined up , so we decided to wait until the next day , and try to get in first thing before it would get too busy . The plan didn 't exactly work , but more on that later . From there , we decided to slowly make our way to the Vincent Van Gogh Museum . This was the other major historical site I wanted to make a point of seeing . It was a fair hike away , but of course we managed to take in lots of other sights as we walked along . There were bikes and people absolutely everywhere . The three of us agreed that it would be quite ludicrous to try and drive a car through downtown Amsterdam , because there are so many pedestrians ! A lot of bikes had makeshift ways for passengers to ride along . Some would have a spot in front for someone to sit , some would have a trailer behind , or a seat behind , and some people would just ride along with their bums stuck in a basket . As we walked through the streets , we often heard the dinging of a bell as some biker was trying to get through the crowd . There were a lot of very full streets in which I would have dismounted and given up on biking , but these guys knew what they were doing . I 've gotten very good at moving out of the way ! Another aspect of all the biking was all the parking spots for bikes . Anywhere there was a bit of space , a bike would be parked . The train station was absolutely insane - there was a big concrete structure where people could leave their bikes , and it was completely full . There was even a boat nearby where people could get on and leave their bikes there - and this of course was full as well . Anyhow , enough about the bikes . Our big event of the afternoon was visiting the Van Gogh Museum . The line to get in was a little long , but I 'm very glad that we endured it . The museum itself had a lot to offer . Different phases of Van Gogh 's life were emphasized on different floors of the museum , and it was fascinating to see how his technique changed as he developed as a painter . He used to do a lot of very dark work , and it wasn 't till later in his career that he began working with bold colours and paint - strokes . I often had to remind myself that what I was seeing was a real painting . There are so many copies of what Van Gogh has done , in the form of purses and posters . It was so hard to believe that I was in the presence of something that Van Gogh had physically painted himself ! I enjoyed looking closely at the painting and examining the light shining off the paint itself as it varied in thickness and texture . There was one painting featured that is apparently " newly validated " as having been done by Van Gogh . I found this extremely cool , but my dad found it funny that they suddenly knew every single detail of how he painted it even though it took them so long to figure out he painted it . Going through the entire museum took quite a while , but it was an enriching experience to be sure ! By the time we were finished in the museum , we decided to head back to the bed and breakfast for the evening . The next day , we headed straight to the Anne Frank House … and it was just as lined up as it had been the day before . We decided to do the wait , since it isn 't every day you have the opportunity to see something like where Anne Frank lived . We had to wait in the rain unfortunately , but it gave us a good excuse to buy an Amsterdam umbrella . The Anne Frank House was amazing to see . We were able to see the entire set - up of the house , from the offices downstairs to the cramped living space upstairs . The rooms were unfurnished , but there was a photo showing how the furniture had been when the house was being lived in . The bookcase that had been used to disguise the entrance to the secret living area was still there , which I found fascinating to see . I got a lot more than what I expected from this tour ; while I had figured I would just see the living area itself , interesting artifacts such as Anne Frank 's physical diary were also on display . We definitely got our money 's worth from this museum . During the rest of our day , we found a row of stands selling tulip bulbs , and Dad made sure to pick up a few to take home ( and as it turns out , one for Seb and I to try planting in our own garden ! ) . We also took a small ferry across the water to another part of town , which proved to be quite suburban . On this excursion , we found a group of elaborate houseboats that were connected to the land with patios and gardens . For dinner that evening , we found a great little pub along a side street that sold reasonably priced food . It was really interesting to listen to our waiter as he spoke different language with everyone in the place - English with us , German at the next table over , and Dutch with his friends . It was a nice way to take a little rest while we waited for it to get dark out - we had yet to see Amsterdam at nighttime ! It was interesting to see sights all lit up at night , and we walked along various different streets - including the red light district . I see now why they call it that : there is indeed a red light glowing everywhere you look ! Along this street they have everything from sex shows to " the museum of prostitution " and girls standing in windows waiting for customers . During the day , these windows blend in with every other window on the street , and you 're surprised when you realize there 's a half - naked woman standing there . But at night they have a red light above them , so that you know where to look if you 're so inclined . I feel bad for people that live in a normal apartment along the red light district , because a lot of tourists go oggling into your window while you 're trying to eat dinner or watch TV . The next morning , it was time to begin the road trip home . We had the chance to see a lot of interesting things from the highway , including sheep and windmills ( very typically Dutch ! ) . We also took a stop at the dam that was built to keep Amsterdam from flooding . It has been in place for so long that , while the ocean side is salt - water , the other side is fresh water . After we had walked around and admired the huge dam for a while , we got back on the road . We stopped briefly in Hamburg that evening , for a walk around and a bite to eat . I was briefly in Hamburg when I was with my high school band in grade 11 , and on that trip we had taken a boat tour around the coast . A lot of that trip blends together for me though , and it was great to see Hamburg once again . We spent a lot of time along the harbour , and then we found a restaurant with a great view of the water . I had a fantastic time on our road trip . I hadn 't had high expectations , but had such a great time that I was devastated when we had to drive back to Berlin ! It was great seeing what Amsterdam had to offer culturally , and it was nice that we were able to fit so much in to just five days of travel . I 'm so glad that we were able to fit in a dream destination on Dad 's list , and am very grateful that Sebastien is such an amazing travel planner . I 'm a lucky girl indeed ! |
Howdie Family and Friends - here are the going ons in the life of me . Stew shows up frequently . My family and friends visit a lot . My nieces and nephews are represented throughout . It 's all about me and how I 'm traveling along in this thing I call my life . I 'm not even sure today is worth journaling about . I worked . Stew worked . I took pictures of all of the layouts I 've made recently and added them to my crafting blog . Stew came home from work and went to therapy . I took a shower . Stew called to find out what I wanted for dinner , I told him pizza . He said he 'd stop at Little Caesar 's . I told him I wanted ice cream - strawberry or chocolate chip cookie dough - Wawa was fine . He said or he could pick me up and take me to Brewsters . You guys know what won out there . Then we stopped and picked up pizza . Then it we went home and watched all of our new shows that started this week , and that 's all she wrote ! Take a look at this . Our next roof payment isn 't due until May of 2013 and it 's only a partial payment due at that ! I guess paying more than we 're supposed to every month is a good thing ; however , if this roof isn 't paid off well before May , I 'm going to pull out my hair . I guarantee it . First the pool , now the roof . I hate bills ! Another day of feeling lousy and off . The workday ended well . I have to do one more Pre Study visit for this trial that I had been working on . This one is in San Diego . Since it 's just a Pre Study visit I should be able to get it done in two days including the travel time out to the West Coast . Truth be known , I 'm happy to have some productive work to do . I 'm used to being on the road a lot and while you 'll never find me complaining about time I have to spend at home , I 'm kind of getting antsy . That will all change of course once my main study gets up and running , but for now , I can only read and watch so much training every day . I played some in the scraproom today . Did a layout of pictures WTK took of himself and also a picture of MNP , MTP and GEP celebrating their birthdays last year . Will have those pictures up later . Stew got home and actually brought me news today . That 's two days in a row . With having double meetings this week as he transitions from team lead of his current team to team lead of his new team , that 's impressive . He did get some bad news today . His training for next week isn 't where he thought it was , it 's actually going to be in Columbia - that 's going to be quite the commute . Of course , he doesn 't want to get a hotel near there - he likes his bed way too much for that . Interesting news about Josh Hamilton and his vision and balance problems - caffeine . Thinking about my brother and his issues with that , I wonder if caffeine could be to blame . Too many monster energy drinks , maybe ? I 'll just take my one 5 hour energy drink a day , thanks and I haven 't even been drinking too many of them lately . Eating today sucked . I 'm not feeling good and just don 't have the willpower . We had Taco Bell for dinner - that 's how bad it is . Ick . I don 't even like Taco Bell most of the time . Add to the Taco Bell the candy I had after dinner - bad , bad , day . But tomorrow 's another one . So I 'll get back on the horse with that then . Stew and I ended the night watching Buffy . We 're scrapping the bottom of the barrel here with things to watch though I did say I wasn 't going to be watching tv during the week , but not feeling well doesn 't help with that either . The show is entertaining if a little wonky . We 're almost done with season 4 . Our Tuesday night shows recorded so hopefully , I 'll be feeling better tomorrow and won 't want to watch tv after having dinner and we 'll catch up on all of our shows on Friday - when we 're supposed to . Steve called today . He has an interview for a job tomorrow . I 'm excited for him . It 's even better because it 's within walking distance of his house . I hope he gets it . Weather for the next 5 days looks great ! Good thing I love rain . I just hope it 's not calling for rain in Jersey on Sunday - I have apples and pumpkins to pick . Woke up this morning with those same symptoms I had yesterday . Again with the allegra and was feeling better . It was a run day - so I laced up my tennis shoes and got started . Week 2 , Day 1 of couch to 5K in the bag . This is run / walk 1 . 5 minute intervals . Not getting any easier , but I 'm damn proud of myself period for even getting n the treadmill . ( Had to pull out the real running shoes this week - wore just my knock around shoes last week to run , don 't want to make a habit of that . ) The scale wasn 't nice to me at all . So even with the working out last week , nothing changed . Need to start working on eating right . We got prepared to do that this week , but everything got waylaid - read on . As the day progressed , I started feeling worse and worse . Guess it isn 't allergies afterall . I was feeling horrible . Called Steve and rescheduled operation pick up recumbent bike until tomorrow . Stew came home and I was lying on the couch . Not feeling good . He made my # 1 comfort food , macaroni and cheese for dinner and we watched more of The Practice - still loving this show . Take a look at the manacurist 's tool available on Amazon - now get your mind out of the gutter . Cause that 's exactly where Stew and I went when we saw it . In fact when he showed this to me , I said , why would they have a dildo shaped like that . Yeah , tired and not feeling well remember ? Tried the Braeburn apple today . The taste was just okay - nothing spectacular , but the flesh of the fruit wasn 't very crisp . It had a much mushier texture . Not my favorite apple . Posted by Woke up this morning with a sore throat and coughing . My ears hurt and my eyes were burning . I took some Allegra and that seemed to help , so I 'm hoping that it 's just allergies . When Stew got up , I was down in the scrap room ( working on a new way to do process videos ) . I can always tell when he gets up when I 'm down there because I can hear the water run when he gets in the shower . This time , the water came on and shut off but it was quite some time before he came down , so I went up to find out what was going on . Found him at his computer doing his fantasy sports stuff and smelled the wondrous aroma of cinnamon buns baking in the oven . We sat down and had breakfast and made a shopping list . He was actually feeling up to do some running around , so I got in the shower and then we headed out . We 've been talking about buying a recumbent bike since he started therapy and since we just received a check for overpayment of escrow , we thought we 'd use this unexpected money to buy the bike . We took a trip to Dick 's Sporting Goods and found one that we really liked . The new models are coming in soon and that meant that they were selling off last year 's models at drastically reduced prices . We got a $ 1000 bike for about $ 499 - half off , not bad . Unfortunately , though we bought it we couldn 't bring it home . We took Stew 's car thinking that we were just going to look - the deal was too good to wait . Thankfully , Dick 's was prepared for this . We paid for it and now we can pick it up later . I 'll get together with Steve tomorrow to pick it up . After Dick 's we headed to Bertucci 's for lunch . Bertucci 's is always good . Today they had the perfect seasoning combination going on in the olive oil that they serve with their bread - the right amount of red pepper flakes , which just so happen to be my favorite part of the whole seasoning mix . Delicious . We brought most of the food home since we had a late breakfast , but we ordered with that in mind so that we would either have dinner for tonight or lunch for tomorrow . After Bertucci 's , we headed to Wegman 's to get groceries for the week . Picked up an Asian pear , a papaya , and a variety of apples to try this week . I love going to Wegman 's and getting something I 've never had before and seeing if I like it . I also got pumpkin spice soda - don 't know about that , but I 'm going to take that up to Mom and Dad 's and we 'll have a taste testing . Should be fun . Super disappointed that Hamlin won the race . Grrrrrr . I so don 't want that guy to win this thing . My Steelers lost to the freaking Raiders - are you kidding me ? ? A field goal as time expires . Thanks guys , there goes my last damn survivor pick - bastards ! James , Troy , Rasheed - we need you ! ! Announcement was made today . Look at the pretty iPhone 5 . I 'm completely pissed that they changed the charging input / computer connector cord thingy ( highly technical term ) , and for right now , mostly because of , uhh , roof , and I don 't want to shell out $ 200 , I 'm going to keep being happy with my 4s . I 'm not sure I like the fact that it 's bigger - but I do love the fact that you can post to Facebook with Siri , of course if that bitch can ever figure out what the hell I 'm saying , we 'd be in business . ( The reason I like this concept is that then I can note all of the weird things that go through my mind , and there are many , when I 'm doing something that prevents me from typing , you know , like DRIVING . The blahs continue . I honestly wish I knew what was wrong with me . I make goals and I make plans and I never stick to them . What the hell is up with that ? I can 't get motivated to do anything . The only thing that sounds good right now is sitting on the couch and escaping into the big mind suck that is the tv . I do better when I 'm overly busy , not so good when I 'm idle and I 'm completely disappointed about the last two weeks . I mean it 's not Stew 's fault that he can barely stand up straight , but with him not feeling well , we haven 't really been able to do anything . Not good for me . I think I 'm going to have to start just leaving him home . LOL . Not that he would mind really , but then I feel guilty for not being home to take care of him . Guh ! I hate you , you changing of the seasons . I did some reading of some motivational stuff today . I read the Marc and Angel Hack blog - they posted today about 8 ways you 're wasting your life . Guilty , guilty and guilty . Notice with curiosity and without judgement all the ways in which you avoid being in your own skin , right here , right now , in this present moment we call life . Waiting and then waiting some more . Stop waiting for tomorrow - you will never get today back . It doesn 't matter what you 've done in the past . It doesn 't matter how low or unworthy you feel right now . The simple fact that you 're alive makes you worthy . Life is too short for excuses . Stop settling . Stop procrastinating . Start today by taking one courageous step forward . If you 're not sure exactly which way to go , it is always wise to follow your heart . Back to the daily grind today . I guess I really shouldn 't think about life that way . I read this post on the ZenHabits blog by Leo Babauta titled , Be Inspired and one of the lessons he lists is , " Be grateful for the miracle of your life ; and ask yourself how you want to spend it . Then get to creating , to make lives better . " Thinking of my work life as a grind probably isn 't the most productive way to spend my time . I 'm blessed to have the job that I have and to enjoy the work that I do - now granted , I 'd rather be on the road at a site monitoring , but I have to be grateful that I 'm able to get up on those mornings that I 'm not traveling and walk the 10 steps it takes to get to my office . I 'm home every day for lunch . The traveling part of my job , the actually leaving the house part of it is a drag sometimes since I miss my family and I love my house , but what I actually travel to do - what my job actually is , I enjoy every minute of that . Okay , maybe that 's a bit over the top . Maybe it 's not every minute - but the majority of them . I interact with some of the most talented doctors and researchers in this country and now in other countries , as well . So , I 'm going to spend these moments being thankful for my job and not think about it as the daily grind . Once he left , I took myself and my water downstairs to do my Zumba workout . It 's true that I would love to be a runner - it 's also true that I find it to be the most boring thing in the world and if I 'm bored , I 'm just not going to do it . Maybe once I lose some of this extra baggage and every step doesn 't feel like I 'm moving a killer whale , I 'll step back into my running shoes . For now , though , I love Zumba . I can 't believe how much I 've missed and how much it still kicks my ass . I did the low intensity , short program - easing myself back into it . After working out , I sat down in the craft room and turned my notes from yesterday into yesterday 's journal entry . I started using a new app called Day One to keep notes throughout the day - cause let 's face it , my memory is horrible . I had been using the Momento app and I like that one because it pulls all of your social media site posts together , but I like that Day One allows you to set reminders so that you remember to journal throughout the day and not rely on a strainer mind like mine . So , for now I 'm using both apps since Day One doesn 't show me what I post on Facebook and other places . Journaling done , I headed upstairs , showered , made breakfast . . . The most perfect egg I 've ever made - Stewbert was proud . There 's something to this whole warming the pan up first and not frying the egg on high . After breakfast , did my hair and make up and sat down at my desk . End of month reports were due today . I actually thought they were due tomorrow . Oops . They went in a little late , but they went in . Will I ever learn that it 's better to enter time every day and not wait until the last day of the month to try and figure out what you did the whole time . Sigh . Maybe some day . Maybe that will be one of my October goals . It took me forever to recreate my time . Then I did all my expense reports and when I tried to make my travel arrangements , Southwest let me down . The site was working , you just couldn 't log into your personal account . Deciding that it was the universe 's way of telling me to take a break , I headed out to run some errands . Before I left , I cleaned out my car - that thing was a mess ! After tackling that job , I was off to pick up those shipping boxes I wanted to make into containers to store my alphabet stickers . This storage solution actually works , except for the fact that I got the wrong size . I wanted the smaller ones , but for now , this will work and I 'll eventually decorate them so that they don 't look like shipping mailers . It was off to Walmart after that . Picked up a bunch of toiletry like things for Stew and went into the eye care center to see if they could fix my glasses . I just had the lenses replaced earlier this year but then I broke the frames - Stew doesn 't call me destructo for nothing . Unfortunately , they weren 't able to fix them . Fortunately , they had the same exact frames still in stock . So they were able to take my lenses and put them in the other frame . So happy to have a pair of glasses back that I can actually see out of . Stopped at WaWa to do my least favorite chore in the world - getting fuel ! I also grabbed lunch while I was there . Turkey on wheat and pineapple chunks . We ended the night like we always end the night , it seems . In front of the tv . We were going to go play trivia tonight at a local pub but because of the draft we wouldn 't have made it in time . Oh well , there 's always another time for that . We watched Hell 's Kitchen . The two people that we wanted as finalists made it so that made us happy , but we can 't believe the way Clemenza is acting . He 's like the oldest crybaby in the world . I hope he doesn 't come back next week . We then watched Flipping Out . I love Jeff Lewis . He 's a nutcase and though I could never work with him , hang out with him , or anything like that , if he wanted to redo my house , I 'd definitely let him . Was in bed by midnight like I wanted to be . Only thing is , didn 't get all my water in today . Only one is empty ! Bummer . Will have to remember to drink throughout the day so I 'm not trying to drink 32 ounces of water in the 3 hours before bed . Getting up in the middle of the night to pee is no fun . Woke up this morning at 7 : 30 with a terrible headache . I took some Aleve and it went away , thank goodness . I was so not in the mood to deal with a migraine today . I went down to the craft room and got caught up on my internet reading and started to tackle the Project Life layouts for those two weeks in June that I 've been avoiding . We did so much stuff that week , it 's hard to condense it this way . Sigh . I was kind of tired this morning - like , 5 hour energy drink tired and it was rainy outside so our plans to go the Fair or to the zoo were out . Stew woke up around 11 : 30 and when I heard him get up , I went upstairs and we took care of some budget stuff . Paid another $ 1000 to the roof . Can 't wait until that bill is gone . We looked at the NASCAR standings . It looks like Kahne will be in the chase unless something astronomical happens . Stew did his hockey stuff while I got in the shower . I suggested we have a pajama day , but Stew wanted to go to Best Buy to get the new Madden game and during this conversation he gave me the gag worthy moment of the day . The conversation went like this : S : I want to go to Best Buy to get myself something . I want the new Madden . G : Good , I wish you 'd spend more money on you . I 'd feel less guilty about the money I spend . S : Yeah , I don 't spend a lot of money . I don 't need much . I just need you . G : GAG While I was finishing up getting ready , Stew called Dad to talk about plans to spend a week at the beach next summer and going up to mom and dad 's for the opening day of football . The Eagles play at 1 and the Steelers at 8 , so we 'll go watch the Eagles , grab some food and be home in time for the other game . This reminds me that I still need to sign up for pick em and survivor - must remember to do this as the first game is on Wednesday ! On the way down , we saw this tow truck and Stew said , " I 'm going to hell . " I said , " Why ? " He tells me that he sees the Jesus tow truck . Or , if the driver is Latino the " hey - zeus " truck . My goodness the things that go on in that man 's head . We stopped at Ledo 's Pizza for lunch . Neither of us had been there before so we thought we 'd check it out . Turns out , we really could have passed it by . I wasn 't impressed with their pizza cracker and Stew has had better chicken parm , elsewhere . It was funny while we were there though , listening to Stew read the closed captioning on the Orioles game . We don 't know what was going on with it . Stew likened it to someone laying their head down on the keyboard . Made for some interesting reading . We went to Best Buy where Stew picked up the new Madden game - he 's excited about this because they 've gotten rid of all of the " owner " kind of things like setting ticket prices and that stuff - so now it 's just all about players . At least that 's what I understand about it . He also got a new razor . I got more ink for my photo printer ( can never run out of that , ever ! ) and I got a new mouse for the computer in my craft room . Frank had bought Dad a mouse for father 's day - it was a ball mouse that was wireless . Color me jealous - I really wanted one , so one I did get . Isn 't it purdy ? No more cords on my desk ! Headed home after Best Buy and did something that we don 't often do - we actually cleaned up the house . Wow ! Stew took care of the dishes and took all of the laundry downstairs while I cleaned the upstairs . Now this week all that 's left is dusting , vacuuming and the downstairs . Not too bad . It 'll be good to wake up tomorrow to an almost clean house . Stew had a draft for the Barbecue football league tonight . This is the draft that my brothers Shawn and Phill are in . I texted them both earlier in the day to remind them of the draft - Phill said he remembered and he was ready ! Boys take this stuff so seriously . Shawn 's first pick of the draft was Ray Rice . He 's a self admitted homer ! According to Stew , Phill picked up some good wide receivers but not so good on the quarterback front - I guess we 'll see how it all turns out . We 're getting ready to go visit them next weekend ! YAY ! I got to talk to SMP . She was doing homework , which really means that she was writing her numbers and letters in this workbook that they bought for her . She just went in her room , picked it up , took it to the dining room table and started doing her " homework . " Shawn said that she 's a four year old adult . She goes in her room , shuts the door and plays . He says that she doesn 't need them for anything . She 's independent and she 's very good at taking care of EAP , though they do tend to still fight sometimes , it 's getting less . Shawn says only five minutes now for every 30 . HA ! She 's been swimming a lot in Ms . Candy 's pool and EAP 's been going in the pool too though he doesn 't like it very much . She got a flat tire on her bike and daddy fixed it . She said , " he 's a very good soldier and a very good handy manny . " Too funny ! I can 't wait to see them . I miss them a lot . Stew and I ended the night with CSI : NY and WaWa ( which he went to get while I was on the phone with Shawn ) . I don 't mind watching television when we 've done other things during the day . I just hate it when it seems like watching tv is all we do , so we 're getting better about that . I set the alarm on my phone for 11 so that I could be in bed before my mandated midnight time . An episode ended at 10 : 15 and though we could have squeezed in another one , we decided to head to bed . I washed my face and stuff while Stew worked on his pushups . He 's up to 45 now for the month . I need to make a chart for us to keep track of these things . I did drink my 64 ounces of water today , though I didn 't start until like 6PM . That 's a lot of water to drink in 5 hours and by the time I took the last sip at 11 , I was over water completely . I really need to start earlier in the day . Stew and I went through the book descriptions for the free books he 's sent to my Kindle . Since we 're behind on this , I needed a way to figure our which descriptions we 've read and which ones I 've decided that I may way to read , so I made a category on my Kindle to file the books in . Stew found the name of it pretty funny : Tomorrow , it 's back to work , back to the grind . HAHA . I have a lot of work to get done , so it 's good that I 'm getting to bed now . Posted by I slept until 9 : 30 this morning and that 's with going to bed before midnight last night . That 's insane . I actually think I had a headache today from sleeping too long . I spent the morning in the craft room finishing up on Project Life . With the exception of the two weeks in June that Shawn was home , it 's completely caught up . Finally . Now maybe I can get back to doing some scrapbook pages . I also uploaded all of our August pictures and burned them to disk . 1 , 563 pictures taken in August . Found out this morning that my space heater isn 't broke after all - it was just unplugged . Glad I figured that out before I , 1 . asked for help or 2 . bought another one . Stew woke up around 1PM , so our plans to either go to the zoo or go to the State fair weren 't going to happen , so we decided to take a ride up to Elk Neck State Park and go hiking down to the Turkey Point Lighthouse . I have been to this lighthouse before , but it was Stew 's first time seeing it . It 's a small one and it 's not currently active . Hasn 't been active since 2000 . They have plans to rebuild the keepers quarters but as of right now , only the lighthouse structure stands . The views from the lighthouse area are really nice . You can see a good portion of the Susquehanna river . It 's very peaceful there and Stew and I would have spent a lot more time there if it hadn 't been for the bugs . Luckily , the giftshop sold Off . Now that Stew and I are really keen on doing more hiking , I 'm going to do some research on what to keep in a hiking bag so that we can just grab it and go . While we were walking back to the car , this older couple came up to us and asked , " How much further to the lighthouse ? " Stew said , " about a half of a mile . " They turned around and went back to their car . I 'm telling you there were points today that I thought about doing the same thing . So out of shape , I am . On our way back from the lighthouse , we stopped at Brewsters , hey , it was on the way ! Then , since Stew was hungry , I suggested Bill Bateman 's for wings since I know they have a reputation for being pretty good . Stew got an order to go and we headed home . Stew said he could do without Bill Bateman 's - they weren 't that good . Darn it ! Well , I guess you live and learn . We watched several episodes of CSI : NY and in between some episodes , we made a 7 - 11 run . I bought a bottle of water and some donuts , Stew got a donut and I got a Steelers ' freezer mug . After 7 - 11 , we watched more CSI : NY until we thought sufficient time had passed to start the race . ( Turns out we didn 't wait long enough - but oh well ! ) My guys didn 't have such a great night and I was just praying that Gordon and Kyle Busch didn 't win because I don 't want any of those guys outside the top 10 with 1 win to win anymore . Tony and Kasey just did awful tonight and the rest of the race was a bore except for I guess the final 14 laps or something - after the final caution . Denny 's on a roll and looks solid as the chase approaches - not that I hope he wins or anything . Not my favorite driver . Race was over and I told Stew that he could wait for the standings to show , I needed to go to bed . It was 11 : 14 - maintaining my September goals so far . Went upstairs , washed my face , did one crossword puzzle and it was off to dream land for me . |
This is a blog about my life . It is simply about the things that I think about , what impacts me , and what I find interesting and important . This blog is a glimpse into the life of me . I haven 't gone to bed yet . Late nights tend to be a thing with me when I 'm not well . I guess this is what I 'll call it , " not well . " I 've been in my right mind and I 've been lost in the darkness of memories , depression , and numbness . This feeling is temporary . Satan tries and tries to convince me that it 's permanent , but Jesus always carries me through the dark places back to the light . I 'm so convinced of the darkness when I 'm in it . When I am myself again , when I can see clearly again , I 'm always amazed at how I believed lies and felt so alone . So I 'm going to walk on water , walk by faith . It must take a lot of faith for a physically blind person to walk . I think , in some way , I can understand that . I 'm blind right now , emotionally / psychologically . I can 't see the truth that I stand on , but I still trust it . I choose it . If Peter had been blind when Jesus called him out on the water , by faith Peter would still have walked on water . He might have even walked further than he did because , being blind , he wouldn 't have taken his eyes off Jesus to look at the waves . Maybe Jesus is teaching me to not put my trust in understanding the truth , but to put my trust in the One who is the Truth . When I was younger I coped with things by trying to always understand them . I wasn 't always successful , but I was adamant about finding patterns and meanings in things . Maybe that 's part of the trying to understand how the people who are supposed to protect you hurt you instead . I don 't know . These days I tend to trust Jesus more and my understanding less . It 's like the verse finally got from my head to my heart : " Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding . " I don 't know exactly where that verse is in the Bible . I think it 's in Proverbs . Sometimes I 'm delighted to find that scripture is in my heart before it 's in my head . I don 't always know where to locate the verses , but I know it 's in the Bible and I can always look it up and there it is , word for word what was in my heart . This happened once in tPosted by I 'm trying so hard . It 's like walking at normal speed in pitch darkness . It 's like the leap of faith . Jesus recently told me , just this past Sunday , " Did you know that you 're walking on water ? " I must be walking on water . I 'm trying to not look at the waves and the storm . I 'm trying to keep my eyes on Jesus and run to Him with everything . Sometimes , that 's so easy . Other times , it 's hard just trying to get out of bed . Depression is called a boomerang illness . It is so true ! It goes away for a long time . The sun comes back out in your life . You can smile again and feel happy . Then one day , out of the blue , the colors start to bleach out of the world around you again . I found myself thinking about death today . The day was practically over when the thought hit me that I 've been thinking about death all day . Thinking , as if , death was a reality that would be realized very soon . I thought about how I would be remembered . How I would die . It didn 't enter into my mind that I might just live to a ripe old age . I was terrified when I realized that I 've fallen back into these thoughts . I used to think like this every day . I finally realized I wasn 't going to die very soon sometime in college . I 'm 25 now and I never saw myself reaching this age . I never saw myself living past 17 really . I hate that all of this is coming back and slapping me in the face . I know Satan is trying to scare me back into old patterns . He has so much ammunition ! So often lately I 've forgotten that I don 't have to listen to him . The only One I need to hear from is Jesus . Jesus always tells me the truth . He always does what is best for me , no matter what . I 'm trying so hard to cling to the things I know to be true . If you 're reading this , please pray for me . I feel so alone . Jesus says that I 'm never alone . I know it 's just a feeling . But feelings can hurt so much . I just feel so isolated . I feel like I can 't come to people with the truth of what I 'm going through right now . I 've gone through it before , nothing really has changed . It worries people and stresses them out . I don 't want to do that to people . Gosh , I just want to be held and told that it 's going to be okay . Ever since I first told my parents that I was being sexually abused , that 's all I 've ever wanted . I want someone to just hold me close and whisper softly to me that it 's going to be okay and that I am loved . I 'm so afraid of driving people away with all that I 'm going through , so I hide it , or make it out to not be as serious as it is . I 'm sure that 's what the enemy wants . He wants me to isolate myself for fear that the people I love will leave me if they see me like this . I want to stop crying by myself . I want to stop putting on a brave face and minimizing what I 'm feeling . How do I do that ? How do you just be that honest ? I 'm scared of losing one person in particular . This person has reassured me over and over that they are not leaving me , that I can 't lose them . It gives me hope , but the fear is still there . I guess I just have to take that leap of faith and trust . Trust is so hard . It can feel like you 're losing everything even when you 're not losing anything . Your prayers are appreciated . Comments are welcome . I haven 't written in so long and I 'm not planning on advertising me writing again on facebook . I don 't know if facebook has other plans . Stupid site likes to blow a horn every time I do even the smallest thing . I 'm not always like this . I 'm so different when I 'm actually being myself . It 's during the times when I can 't see clearly and I lose sight of truth that I need to write , usually anyway . I know I started this blog when I was in a good place . Well , I think I 'll go ahead and post this . I 'm sure my writing quality is awful , but I 'm writing for my benefit . Thank you for reading . So , as you can probably guess from my post title , I 've been seeing a lot of doctors lately . It has been crazy and I 've paid a fortune in co pays alone . Besides my primary care physician I have five other doctors , all of which are specialists . I have a rheumatologist , a orthopedic physician , a gastroenterologist , a gynecologist , and a physical therapist . And guess what ! I just found out last night that my old endocrinologist has moved from her old location , close to where I used to live , 100 miles from my current home , and has moved just down the road from me . Well yay , another doctor ! lol I probably should schedule an appointment with her some time . She put me on Metformin , which caused me to lose like 10 pounds . However , around hectic finals time senior year of college I missed my follow up appointment with her and never saw her again because I graduated from college shortly after and had a crazy hectic PTSD and healing filled summer . I ran out of my prescription and my weight loss went with it lol . I gained the 10 pounds back too . Most of my current doctors are telling that if I 'd lose weight it would help my symptoms , maybe not cure me , but it would definitely would help . Hmmmm , hard to do that when extreme weight gain and retention is one of my symptoms lol . But no doctor believes that . I saw my physical therapist this morning . She said my strength and range of motion were pretty good . She gave me a series of knee exercises to help strength my knee muscles . Hopefully that will help my knee problems . I also learned that it 's okay to exercise my knees . I freaked a little when my orthopedic physician told me I 'm probably wearing away valuable cartilage in my knees . My logic followed that the more I exercised my knees , the more cartilage I would wear away . Now that I know that exercise is okay and an important part of treatment I 'm not so afraid . I was having images in my head of me losing all my cartilage and having to have knee replacement surgery at a very young age . I definitely didn 't want that . Through all this medical stuff , I 've learned something , and , even now , it sounds weird coming from me . I 've learned that I 'm strong . My friends have told me that I 'm strong to have survived the abuse I went through most of my life . I 've been told that I 'm super strong and brave for facing my past and choosing to actively heal from it . I didn 't believe them . All I did was survive . I thought that if I was strong I would have fought off my attackers , I would have had the courage to tell earlier , I wouldn 't have PTSD . But now , I 'm starting to see this strength they 're telling me about . I 've seen a lot of doctors lately and gone through a lot of tests and procedures . A lot of these crossed the boundary into triggering reactions from my PTSD because of my past . I 've been poked and prodded and stuck with needles and much worse , invasive things . I can see now that going through all of this is very strong , given my past . I 'm facing it though is scares me when any doctor touches me , even if its just on the shoulder . I 've gone through procedures that were so terrifiyingly similar to what was done to me in my past that I 've cried and lost sleep , but I still went through with it . I didn 't hide from it . I showed up and faced what I had to go through to find answers to my health problems . That 's both strong and brave . I 've also started to stand up for myself . I am a sexual abuse survivor . We don 't handle medical settings very well a lot of the time . There 's such an imbalance of power between patient and doctor , sometimes clothes must be removed , sometimes you have to be exposed , sometimes invasive things must be done , and sometimes , doctors are callous and disrespectful . I 've been disrespected and hurt by doctors in the past . I was afraid to stand up for myself . Now , I can see that they have no right to do that to me . I have the right to say no , to demand sensitive care , to be treated with respect and dignity . I 've learned to be open about my past and proactive in securing what I need to feel safe for procedures and in informinGod is healing me in amazing ways . I wouldn 't be where I am without Him . He 's the one who has shown me my value in His eyes and He 's the One who has made me strong . I can be brave because my bravery comes from Him . I am strong because He is my strength . One day , not long ago , I heard Him speak directly to me . I heard His voice , not with my ears , but with my heart . I was receiving communion at a friend 's church . It happened suddenly and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it didn 't come from my own mind or imagination . I heard God speaking to me and His voice sounded like He was smiling as He said it . He said : " You are Mine . I love you and I am sooooo proud of you . " I was so shocked to hear this . Not only was I hearing the voice of the King of Kings , the Creator of the Universe , but I was hearing Him say that I was His , that He loves me , and craziest of all , that He 's proud of me . There 's this huge sense of awe that overwhelms you when God not only speaks to you so clearly , but He tells you that He 's proud of you . I was so confused . I didn 't understand what I had done to make God proud of me . But I 've realized I don 't have to do anything to make Him proud of me . Because of Jesus , in God 's eyes I am perfectly sinless , innocent , and beautiful . I love God and I 'm trying to follow His will for my life . That has led me down some painful paths and to some rough places but I haven 't quit . I haven 't quit because He is my strength and He leads me , but at the same time , He 's proud of me for following Him . There is no one else on the face of the planet that is worthy of all the trust that we are called to trust God . But when we do trust Him , He is proud of us . Though He does all the hard stuff ( making all things work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose ( Romans 8 : 28 ) , He is proud of us when we walk by faith . We walk by faith , and don 't get me wrong that is a super hard thing to do , but when we walk by faith , God is the solid ground we 're walking on . I 'm not downplaying how hard lSimplyLifebyFaith It 's a strange thing how what happens to someone you love can affect you so deeply . Yesterday one of my very best friends in the world got into a horrible car wreck which totaled both cars involved , but did not hurt her . That in itself is a miracle . I would wreck all the most expensive cars in the world and have to pay for them just to have her safe and uninjured from that wreck . God is so good to us . The interesting thing is that I 've been affected by this more than I thought I would . Of course when I first heard I was terrified . Once I learned that she was okay and unhurt I went into a sort of shock . Things like this take us by surprise . Life is so fragile and most of us never really give that a lot of thought . However , I 've lost two friends in my life due to unexpected events . One passed away during open heart surgery , the other in a car wreck on the interstate . I can see in my mind the wreck turning out differently and my friend not coming out unharmed and it terrifies me . We think that stuff like that will never happen to us or the people we love but I know from my life that it does happen and when we least expect it . All yesterday I was restless . I couldn 't go back to sleep after hearing what happened . I kept my phone with me at all times waiting for when my friend would call after school . I couldn 't play the video game I 've been playing lately : Need for Speed : Hot Pursuit . I didn 't think I could handle it . There are way too many wrecks and sirens in that game . I wouldn 't have been able to play without thinking of my friend every time I saw a wreck or wrecked my car or heard sirens . I paced a lot at work and worried . At the first opportunity I had I called my friend and didn 't get off the phone with her until she went to bed . When I hung up I started crying . I was scared that I almost lost her ; I was terrified . I felt so helpless in the face of uncertainty . I wanted to protect the people I love but at the same time I knew so deeply that there was nothing I could do . No amount of my protection can keep those I love from harm . I guess this is how parents feel with their children . I guess that 's why they 're so protective and have so many rules and worries . When I finally pulled myself together I got ready for bed myself , but when I was finally in bed I started talking to God and asking Him to keep my friend safe and thanking Him for protecting her during that wreck . I started crying again . When I finally drifted off to sleep I had nightmares of my friends and me being in danger . I had dreams with fear and pain and danger and death . I had one dream that I had died many years ago at age 20 and my mother had cloned me and I came back into life as a baby all over again and way telling my friends about it , now at age 22 . I know that sounds bizarre . In the same dream a friend and I were traveling somewhere by plane . So many scary things happened in that particular dream . I remember being seated in a seat that faced my friend at the back of the plane , but was several rows away . I remember the plane starting to go down the runway and noticing that my friend 's face was behind glass . The plane had a back window for some reason , but my friend was behind the window , outside of the plane . I panicked and yelled out to her but she pulled up the window and somehow pulled a roof over her head , a lot like you would for a convertible car . In a matter of seconds she was safe and sound inside the plane , ready for take off . I was relieved but then the look on her face changed to fear and I noticed that our plane was lifting into the sky , but unsteadily . The cabin rocked and shook and the plane kept tipping backward . Apparently our pilot was trying to get through the unsteadiness by shooting the plane almost vertical into the sky . Shortly we were high in the sky . I had a window seat and outside the window was the ocean for as far as I could see . I started to relax . The plane had steadied , we were horizontal again and I started to think we were going to be okay . Then it happened . The engines suddenly died and the plane dropped out of the sky . Looking out my window I could see the ocean getting closer and closer and inside I was willing for the engines to restart , but they didn 't . The ocean was speeding towards us . I was thinking desperately " we 're going to be okay , the engines will turn back on before we hit , just like on tv . " I was wrong . Just before we hit I passed out . When I came to , the plane was upside down and I coThis dream was insane . I had several crazy , scary dreams like this last night . I kept waking up and realizing I and my friends were safe and then falling back asleep to dream some new horrible catastrophe . I never have dreams like these . Usually when I have nightmares they 're about abuse . I have dreams that I 'm running away from my abuser or that he 's caught me again and is hurting me . I never have dreams about plane crashes and people trying to hurt my friends . I guess this was my mind 's way of trying to work through all my fears and feelings from yesterday . I guess my conclusion is that we 're usually under this crazy illusion that we 're in control . That we can protect ourselves and the ones we love from all harm . However , when something unexpected and scary happens we 're faced with the fact that we 're not in control and bad things can happen at any time unannounced . I guess that 's where faith comes in . Remember the old song " He 's Got the Whole World in His Hands " ? Well God does have the whole world in His hands , and we have to trust Him with the world , including the lives of the ones we love . We can 't live in fear , but we can live in faith . And this is where I remember that I prayed for faith . Its crazy sometimes how God works . When we pray for faith He 's very likely to put us in situations that require we exercise our faith . He gives us opportunities for our faith to grow . He doesn 't just hand us a gift wrapped package of faith , though that would be nice lol . But hey , we 're talking about the God and Master of the universe . He created the universe , how could we not trust Him with it ? He created every last grain of sand and every last cell of our bodies . And He loves us more than we can possibly imagine . So what 's keeping us from trusting Him ? Its a deep question . Wow , so it 's been a very long time since I posted . Pretty sure I said that last time I posted as well lol . I knew when I started this blog that I wouldn 't be any sort of consistent with posting because that just seems to be against my personality and life . I really admire the people that can stick to a blog and post regularly over the months and years , I 'm just not one of them lol . Anyway , what 's been going on in my life right now ? Well , a lot and not a lot . I 'm currently averaging only 8 hours of work a week at my job . That 's kinda good and kinda bad . I need the hours because I need the money for rent and essentials . But , on the other hand , there 's a lot of blaming and negativity and backstabbing and unfairness that goes on at work , so I 'm more emotionally healthy when I 'm not at work . I guess it 's back to looking for employment * sign * My health , well , it 's taken another turn for the worse . This time its my knees that are affected . I 'm seeing several doctors and having several tests done but the only concrete explanation I have right now is that my knee caps , for some unknown reason , have shifted slightly and are no longer in the right positions . That causes them to rub the cartilage the wrong way and wear away valuable cushioning . I 'm glad the doctor found that early . When it comes to my healing from abuse I 've made huge strides . God has used several different people to show me His love and nurturing and protection . I 've healed so much since my last several posts . I 'm in a much healthier place and can now catch glimpses of how God sees me . Those glimpses are wonderful and so different from the lies I 've believed my whole life . I don 't see them all the time , but I hope someday soon I won 't struggle to know the truth and accept it . Some of the things I glimpse during these times is that I 'm loved . That God loves me and other people love me . That was such a hard concept to grasp before and it 's still not easy for me to understand . I also see that I deserve protection . This one has been a tough one because I went through abuse believing it was my fault and therefore I deserved what I got . Its taken some hard work and convincing by friends that me deserving abuse is far far far from the truth . One of the best illustrations a friend gave me was asking me to think about my future children . Now , if someone hurt my children , would they deserve it . If their situation was exactly as mine had been , would they deserve it ? NO ! One huge lie that I 've been fighting and losing against for many years is the lie that I 'm dirty . I believed when I was little that since my abuser touched me in places he wasn 't supposed to that it made me dirty . I thought I was contaminated and ruined . Now sometimes I can see what my friends keep telling me is true , that I 'm clean . The abuse didn 't make me dirty , it hurt me , but it didn 't change who I am . Along with this truth I 've come to catch glimpses of another truth , that I 'm innocent . I 've felt guilty for being abused for years . I know that statement may be hard to understand , but I felt wrong and bad about what my abuser was doing to me . I felt that it must be my fault that it was happening . There 's a lot of psychology that goes into such a misattribution of guilt and fault . I was young and couldn 't take care of myself . My abuser was sometimes my babysitter aI 'm opening up more now and trusting and believing the truth . It 's that wonderful part of healing when , after you 're about to give up hope that you 'll ever be okay again , you suddenly see the light and a ton a progress comes so fast that it makes you dizzy . I can see so much more clearly now . I can go back and read messages and comments from years ago ( changed to timeline profile on facebook lol ) and they make so much more sense . I can read them and see that the person who wrote it really did care and wasn 't just being nice . I could honestly see the love and concern where I was numb and couldn 't see anything but a sense of obligation and doing the right thing before . This is truly awesome ! ! ! There were people there for me when I didn 't even realize anyone cared . I don 't how often I 'll be posting , but I just wanted to start up again . I love keeping a blog , I 'm just not very good at keeping it up to date when life gets hard and it feels like my PTSD takes over . Thanks for reading : ) I know it 's been a very long time since I posted . That was due to several factors . First of all , I didn 't have my computer . I lent it to my college roommate because her computer stopped working . I didn 't have internet at home and I visited her a lot at the dorm so it made the most sense . However , without my computer at home I stopped writing . All the times I felt like writing were times I was home away from my computer . Another reason was that my PTSD got really really bad after my last post and I kinda dropped off the face of blogging . I hurt so badly and I reexperienced my trauma so vividly over the rest of the summer that I was in no shape to keep up a blog . I was honestly doing good to get in one solid meal a day . Now , I 'm not sure that I 'm doing much better . I 've gone through some really stressful and emotional days lately . I just moved 100 miles away from home . I went from a tiny town to the big city , far away from what I 'm used to . My college roommate moved with me and we 're splitting the rent and expenses on a little apartment in the heart of the big city . I decided to take a year off school . I couldn 't handle moving to the big city , finding a job , working , going to school in another town , and dealing with the level of PTSD that I was going through . It has taken a huge load off my shoulders and I thank those people who helped me make the best decision for me . I am still not fully unpacked . I 'm living off my savings and the help of family . I 'm looking for a job , I don 't care if I have to scrub toilets . I 'm satisfied as long as I can pay the rent , utilities , and keep food on the table . The day after I moved in my great great uncle passed away . Now , he wasn 't as old as that sounds . He was around the same age as my grandpa . He was one of the very best people I knew . Even with my past and having PTSD , I NEVER felt unsafe or in danger with him . I always trusted him 100 % . I knew I never had to fear this man , though I feared every other man on the planet . He was truly one of the best people in the world . He was so kind and loving and strong . When I think of what a real man and real strength looks like I see him . He 's one of the people who , through his example , taught me that not all men will hurt me , that in fact there are good men who will protect me instead of hurt me . I couldn 't thank him enough . I didn 't see my uncle a lot but God has been showing me how this amazing and wonderful man helped heal pieces of my heart that I thought would never be whole again . In the hospital I couldn 't find the words to express to him how I felt and what he had done in my life . I was there with him and his immediate family up to an hour before he passed away . He was so aware of what was going on . He knew it was his time and he faced death bravely . Though he couldn 't stand physically in that hospital , I believe he faced death standing . I will miss him so much . I can close my eyes and see his smile and hear his soft voice saying " Hey Hun ! " That 's how he always greeted me . I don 't think he every really called me by my name , but I didn 't mind . His soft " Hey Hun ! " made me feel cherished and loved for who I was . He always made me feel safer and happier . He was one of those people who , when he walked into a room , everyone felt more at ease . I am honored to call him my uncle . I have been blessed so much having him in my life and I will miss him terribly now that he 's gone . However , his courage inspires and strengthens me to face life bravely and meet the challenges I will face standing . So look out big city ! Look out PTSD ! I cried the night of the 4th of July , I woke up yesterday and cried , I cried again that evening . Last night I cried for hours before falling to sleep . I got maybe three hours of sleep because I cried so much . Today I woke up early and drove to Lexington to sign the lease on my apartment and pay the deposit money . I hung out at Joseph Beth Bookstore and the Mall with a friend and my sister before driving home . On the way home I relived being raped , while driving . It hurt physically and emotionally . When the reliving died away I became so exhausted from crying and lack of sleep that I almost fell asleep at the wheel . My sister drove to our hometown , but then had to go to work . Now I 'm crashing in another friend 's room b / c I don 't really trust myself to drive home . I hurt , my eyes are swollen from crying last night , I don 't feel safe , and I 'm EXHAUSTED . That 's really all I have to say . It 's not really something you can put on your status for facebook . I am just a woman deeply loved by God and falling more in love with God each day . I 'm a nerd and bit of an artsy person currently training to be a ninja . View my complete profile |
December 31 , 2011 · 1 : 41 pm Words can change a life I have been realizing how much words matter in our daily life . We sit down and we think many thoughts , but when we put those thoughts into words and voice them to others , we cannot know sometimes the irreparable damage we can do , or sometimes the great encouragement we may have been . We may see a child acting up and we might say " You are going to have fun when they are a teenager . " Implying with subtlety that the child is out of control , or that could not be your meaning , but the parent takes it that way . We may spread rumors that last a long time about someone , " Did you see what Megan was wearing last night , I wouldn 't be surprised if she is pregnant next year . " That girl if she hears the saying as usually they get back to the person , not only now knows that people do not expect better of her , but they expect her to fail . If she is pregnant next year , and you were the one who said that , it is somewhat your fault . What steps did you take when you saw her going down the wrong path to help her ? Did you reach out to her ? Encourage her parents ? When you have words remember that every word you say , you are responsible for . Words of judgement can hurt another , words of encouragement can build up and change lives . When we spout off our thoughts on others child rearing techniques , future predictions on what someone may or may not turn out in the future … but what if the child you think might not be going down a good path gets that person who believes they can do better and change . The movie and book " Gifted Hands " about a troubled boy who was a student with learning disabilities , who because of a mother who believed in him , he went on to be a surgeon who changed people 's lives . All it took was one person , but along the way , imagine if there were 6 people who believed in him ? Look around you today . Think of the people that you could be doubtful of turning out as productive members of society and think of what you could do to change that around . You can change the world with words , both negative and positive ones . Let 's make this new year one where you have a positive impact , not a negative one ! December 31 , 2011 · 1 : 21 pm Books for children to read this year I am counting from Sept as that is when we start the year of reading . I have really enjoyed Patricia St . John 's books as they have history in them , we can incorporate geography , as well as character traits . 1 . The Tanglewoods Secret by Patricia St . John - Done 4 . Read books aloud to children all year - Started in Sept . So far list of books for pleasure : Tanglewood 's Secret , Star of Light , Treasures of the Snow December 22 , 2011 · 1 : 33 pm What is true Christianity ? " Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this , To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction , and to keep himself unspotted from the world . " James 1 : 27 , KJV . I grew up around people who were devout , went to church every Sunday , and many of them were very good , Christian people . But some of the worst people that I have come into contact with , went to church every Sunday . So , what makes a Christian ? " And when thou prayest , thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are : for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets , that they may be seen of men . Verily I say unto you , They have their reward . " Matthew 6 : 5 , KJV . I think that church attendance is a wonderful thing ! We are blessed to be able to worship and praise the Creator we are blessed to serve , but when we forget the reason why , and are judgmental , harsh and forget what is true religion , it is all nothing . I was reading 1 Cor . 13 this week . These people had it all , they did all the good things , but they lacked love in doing it . It makes it all null and void . I want to encourage you this year , no matter what you are doing for your day of worship to God , that you keep Him the center of it . You forget traditions , and worship Him , whether that means you go to a church service or spend time with your family , or you are on the road , in a truck , or on an oilfield , remember your Creator and praise Him . Leave a comment Julia Colter , the little sister from the Book 1 in this Prescott Pioneers series , is alone facing her older brother Reuben 's demands on her . She had led a carefree life when her father was alive and when her brother Will left home , she was left to bear the brunt and expectations of her legal guardian . When his demands become more than she can bear , she makes a plan to get out of them , but the consequences are far reaching . Will she always bear the marks of the cruelty of someone who should have cared for her ? Adam Larson wants to be a horse trainer and when Will Colter offers him a job , he excitedly makes plans to head west . When his sister asks him to help her best friend and risk losing his dream , what will he do ? Will he risk his dream and help someone else who is being abused or will he turn his back on her ? Ms . Baney does a good job of detailing the expectations that were required of women back in this time period of 1864 . Women did not have choices all the time of whom they would marry and domestic violence was more common than we think , overlooked by law enforcement and even the church . I enjoyed how Ms . Baney took a beautiful story of pioneers , but also wove the real life hardships that faced people , including abuse . This series is one of the best western series of the old west that I have read , in realistic writing . Ms . Baney is a skilled writer and really draws you into the story ! You may be up until 1 am . reading like I was , if you are not careful ! - Martha It is time for a FIRST Wild Card Tour book review ! If you wish to join the FIRST blog alliance , just click the button . We are a group of reviewers who tour Christian books . A Wild Card post includes a brief bio of the author and a full chapter from each book toured . The reason it is called a FIRST Wild Card Tour is that you never know if the book will be fiction , non ~ fiction , for young , or for old … or for somewhere in between ! Enjoy your free peek into the book ! Karen Baney , in addition to writing Christian historical fiction and contemporary novels , works as a Software Engineer . Her faith plays an important role both in her life and in her writing . Karen and her husband make their home in Gilbert , Arizona , with their two dogs . She also holds a Masters of Business Administration from Arizona State University . Julia Colter struggles to accept life under her controlling brother 's greed . The suitors he selects would benefit him , but are far from the ideal husband for her . When her rebellion against her brother puts her life at risk , she turns to her friend for help . Adam Larson longs to train horses and plans to head west to the Arizona Territory to see his dreams fulfilled . When his sister 's best friend shows up in the middle of the night , he agrees to help her flee . The decision changes his life , in more ways than he expected . " You cannot be serious , Reuben ! " Julia Colter shouted , not caring that she might wake her niece and nephew from their afternoon nap . Pacing back and forth across the length of the kitchen , she stopped in front of her older brother , her temper flaring almost as hot as the stove . " He is balding and fat and twice my age ! " " You will marry who I say ! " Reuben thundered . " I expect you to treat Mr . Hiram Norton with the upmost respect this evening . He has shown great interest in you and the least you can do is be civil with the man . " As Reuben shoved her violently up against the wall , Julia 's breath left her lungs in a rush . Digging his fingers into her arms , she could feel the bruises starting to form . His brown eyes darkened with unrestrained anger as he glared down at her . She swallowed in fear , stunned by his abrupt action . He raised his hand as if he meant to strike her - something he had never done before . The action startled her to silence . Instead of hitting her across the face , as she thought he might , Reuben returned his hands to her upper arms squeezing even harder . Leaning so close the heat of his breath warmed her cheeks , he said , " You have no idea what hurt is , Julia . You are an insolent little whelp . You will paste a smile on that tart little face of yours . And you will do your best to win his affections or , " his voice menacing , " you will suffer my wrath , the likes of which you have yet to see . " Releasing his hold , he pushed her so that she tumbled to the floor in a heap . As he turned to walk away , he added in a sinister tone , " It would be best if you get used to the idea of Hiram Norton and give up fanciful notions of love , dear sister . You will not have that luxury . The sooner you come to accept that , the better it will go for you . " The smell of hay and horse assaulted her delicate senses as she selected a gentle mare . Throwing her saddle on the horse 's back , she led her from the barn . Once under the open blue skies , she shoved one foot into the stirrup , swinging her other leg over the mare , riding astride . Nudging the mare into a full gallop , Julia fled to the one place she would always feel free - the back of a horse in the wide open pastures . At seventeen , she considered herself too young to get married , though many women her age and younger married . She wasn 't ready . She didn 't pine for the responsibilities marriage entailed . She liked her freedom . But , when she was ready to marry , she would marry for love and not because Reuben wished it . Certainly , she would never marry Hiram Norton . The thirty - seven year old rancher was the exact opposite of what Julia wanted for a husband . His short stature and fading hairline made him look even older . He had a reputation for loving excess . When it came to food , his waistline showed the results of that love . There were other unsavory aspects to his reputation as well which included rumors that he frequented the saloon and brothel . No , the man for Julia would be young and handsome . His character would be impeccable , his honor undeniable . Land , money , and wealth held no importance to her . She only cared that her dream man would be able to provide for her and their family . As the wind tangled her long , sandy brown curls , she continued to press the horse for more speed - needing it to soothe her fear and anger . In the distance she saw the herd of longhorns kicking up dust . The sight sparked a memory of Will , the kinder , more honorable of the Colter brothers , sending her mind racing in another direction . So many times he 'd taken Julia out to the pasture , teaching her how to rope , ride , and work with the cattle . Some thought such behavior unacceptable for a lady . She was glad to learn these skills . Should her handsome young dream man end up being a rancher , he might appreciate her ability to work the ranch by his side . Why hasn 't Will written ? The thought of Will brought fresh tears as memories of his hasty departure flooded her mind . Not only had she buried her father , but she also lost the brother she was close to - all within a few short weeks . Almost a year ago , following her father 's death , Reuben forced Will to leave the ranch when he had been deeded the house and ranch . While Will and Reuben both received half of the herd and the financial holdings , Will was left with no home or land . Unable to find anything close , Will moved to the Arizona Territory , leaving Julia behind . Alone . The only time she heard from him was in November 1863 . Will wrote that he , his men , and his cattle arrived safely and set up their new home near the Granite Creek settlement in the Arizona Territory - wherever that was . No other letters came . Despite the thirteen year age difference between Will and Julia , they adored each other . She followed him everywhere , never far from his side even when he worked with the herd . When she needed protecting , it was Will who came to her defense . But , he wasn 't here . He was in a distant territory , far from Texas , far from her aid . Her father left her in Reuben 's care - not Will 's - even though Will would have been the better choice as far as Julia was concerned . Their father never saw the evil that clouded Reuben 's heart and he knew nothing of his manipulative ways . In her father 's eyes , Reuben was as good of a son as Will . If her father knew of Reuben 's late nights in town or of his forceful tactics for bankrupting other ranchers and taking over their lands , he turned a blind eye . She found it hard to fathom that father could have missed such thinly concealed behavior . As the mare started to struggle for breath , sides heaving with great effort , Julia eased up the pace . She was so torn . She had thought more than once to runaway to Arizona , but was afraid Reuben would find her and drag her back . Now he wanted her to flirt with Hiram Norton and get him to marry her . She had no desire to do what Reuben was asking . Mr . Norton may be wealthy , but he was twenty years older than her . There was something indecent in that alone . Nothing about him or his character appealed to her . Realizing she was nearing the outer pasture , Julia turned the mare around to head back to the ranch house . She did not want to risk angering Reuben further by being unprepared for their dinner guests . Lord , please don 't make me have to marry that repulsive man . Will always said you could work things together for good . I am not seeing much good right now . Please give me the strength to make it through this evening meal . A cloud of dust at the far end of the lane indicated their guests were already arriving . Julia shot a quick word of thanks to the friendly cowboy before picking up her skirts and running to the house . As she threw the door open , panting for breath , she caught Reuben 's seething look . " Where have you been ? " Mary 's panicked voice preceded her entrance into Julia 's room . Reuben 's normally calm , quiet wife seemed rather anxious as she picked up the corset she laid out . Julia tore off her day dress , tossing it over a chair . As Mary came to assist her with the corset , Julia took her last deep breath of the evening . She hated the confining contraption . Once the stays were tightened , she lifted her arms as Mary helped settle the lovely yellow silk down over her shoulders . " You should have been in here an hour ago , " Mary lamented . " Now there is no possible way we can fashion your hair into ringlets . The other women will think you don 't care about your appearance . " They would be correct , Julia thought . " You fret , too much , " she replied , brushing out her tangled curls . She would be content with twisting her unruly hair into a chignon , despite how much it fought against the pins . Mary hesitated for a brief moment before softly exiting the room . Taking as deep a breath as she could , Julia let it out in a heavy sigh . Undoubtedly , Hiram Norton was already here , waiting for her in the other room . Pasting a smile on her face , she squared her shoulders and left the solitude of her room . She fought to tamp down her mounting abhorrence . As the guests were seated around the table , she eagerly helped Mary set out the food . Still irritated by Mr . Norton 's uncouth comment , she decided to fight back as she took her seat . " Mr . Norton , my brother tells me you have been very successful with your ranch , despite the Union 's blockade . Tell me , how do you do it ? " " However , I shall endeavor to enlighten you , " he said with an air of superiority , snatching the potatoes from her hand . " While the Union may have blockaded our route to drive cattle to the New Orleans market , they have made no such effort to stop us from driving to points north or west . It seems that as long as we aren 't supplying the Confederate Army , they care little where we sell our cattle . We have simply changed our route north to the railways in Missouri . While I don 't care for the Union and their imposing ways , a profit is a profit . And I have made significant gains by being one of the first Texans to sell to eastern markets by way of Missouri . " Reuben shifted in his chair uncomfortably . His darkening eyes warned her to hold her tongue . Julia knew she should have heeded the warning , but she preferred being forthright . Let Mr . Norton find that out now . Mr . Norton laughed off her question , causing her to dislike the man even more . " You are a spirited little woman , I will give you that . But your comment shows your youth and your naivety . " Taking not one , but two large pork chops from the platter she handed him , he said , " While the prices west are much higher , so is the cost to drive the cattle such a great distance . The length of time it takes to drive the cattle to California is almost three times as long as the northern route . It is also much more dangerous . There are many more Indians and cattle thieves westward . It would simply not be profitable to drive the herd west . " His snooty tone grated on her nerves . When she opened her mouth to speak , Reuben interrupted . " Perhaps , dear sister , you should leave the business matters to men . I 'm sure you would be much more interested in knowing how Mrs . Withers ' new baby is faring . " As the conversation continued , she felt something brush against her knee then move away . She kept her focus on Mrs . Withers ' overlong description of her young son and on eating the meal , until she felt the unmistakable presence of a man 's hand move above her knee . She stole a glance and confirmed Mr . Norton 's hand rested most inappropriately on her thigh . Angling her legs further away from him as discreetly as possible , Julia 's stomach churned . When Mr . Norton pressed closer , she thought she might lose her dinner . The man appeared to have no limits . Standing abruptly , she said , " If you 'll excuse me . I 'm not feeling quite myself . " Without waiting for a reply she hurried to her room . Reuben scowled after his sister . Her behavior had been completely unacceptable , despite his attempt earlier in the day to reason with her . This silly idea of marrying for love must have worked its way into her thinking from the stories their father told of their mother . No one married for love . He certainly hadn 't . While Mary was pleasant looking enough and easy to control , he did not love his wife . He had married her to increase his social standing among the area ranchers - something his father never seemed to care about . Her father had been one of the wealthier men in the area and he was easy to win over . In fact , Reuben thought , most everyone he met was easy to manipulate - except Will and Julia . It didn 't matter . Will was gone and out of the picture . He was no longer a nuisance , even though it was Will 's fault that he was in such a financial mess . The timing of Will leaving with half the herd and half the financial holdings was disastrous , leaving him unable to pay debts to some very powerful men - a situation he was desperately trying to resolve . The last bite of his pork chop churned in his stomach as fear gained a foothold . He needed Hiram 's money from the marriage arrangement to Julia . It was his only hope of turning things around . The men eagerly nodded , obviously wanting to be away from the women as quickly as he did . As Hiram stood , Reuben pulled him aside . Speaking loud enough for the others to hear , he said , " We 'll join you in a moment . Hiram and I have a few business matters to discuss . " Before he offered a seat , Hiram took one , starting the conversation on his terms . " Julia is quite lovely , Reuben . You 've been holding out on me . When you asked for such a large sum , I assumed she must be dreadful to look at . " " To a point , " Hiram admitted . " While she 'll keep me entertained well , she needs to learn to control her tongue , especially in front of guests . I 'm surprised you haven 't dealt with this already . " Reuben frowned . If only Hiram knew what he was up against . With any luck , he wouldn 't find out until after his wedding day . " Well , father has only been gone a short time . He doted on her , so it will take some time to get her to properly respect a man . " " Ah , there 's the catch . I 'll have to train her myself then . " Hiram laughed . " It will be a fun challenge - breaking her . Too bad you didn 't have more time to do the job yourself . You could get a much higher price for her , as beautiful as she is . " The price he was asking was enough . Normally prone to greediness , when it came to selling his sister 's hand in marriage , he felt it prudent not to get too greedy . He was running out of time and needed to pay his debts soon . Once that pressure slackened , he could focus his energy on rebuilding his wealth . A brief hint of remorse came over Reuben . Had he stooped so low that he was selling his sister for money ? But , it was not as if he were selling her to a brothel . No , he was just selling her to a wealthy rancher . She would live in luxury . What could be bad about that ? He knew living with Hiram Norton would not be pleasant . The man had a reputation for being ruthless to his business associates , to his women , and even to his mother . He had no limits . He made Reuben look like a saint . Julia would undoubtedly be miserable married to him until she learned her place . " After we have our cigars , " Hiram was saying , " then , I will take Julia for a walk . See if I still fancy her . When I return , we will announce our engagement . It will be short . No longer than a month . " Reuben held back a gasp . He hadn 't expected Norton to want a short engagement . " You know what the townsfolk will say with such a hurried wedding . They will think my sister has been compromised . " Pulling a large stack of bills from his coat pocket , Hiram slammed it down on the desk . " I don 't think you will care too much what is said about your sister 's reputation . Who knows , what they say may end up being true anyway . " The dark look on Hiram 's face sent shivers down Reuben 's spine . Ruthless seemed rather inadequate of a word to describe the man before him . He had to make sure Julia did not ruin this deal , for he did not want the added pressure of Norton 's anger . Mary knocked on Julia 's door not more than ten minutes after she left the meal . Her voice was timid when she spoke , " The men have retired to the front porch for cigars . Reuben requested that you return to the parlor with the women . " Sighing , Julia did as instructed . She listened to the gossip of the rancher 's wives and wished her friend Caroline Larson was in attendance , so she might actually be able to enjoy the evening . The Larsons owned a ranch to the east of the Star C and they had been long - time family friends . Up until last year , before father passed away , the Larsons were always invited for every social gathering - sometimes they were the only guests . Since then , Reuben saw little use for Mr . Larson 's moral ways and only included them on rare occasions to pacify her or his wife . Not paying attention to the boring conversation , Julia missed seeing the men return from the outdoors . Mr . Norton 's hand on her forearm jolted her from her thoughts . " Miss Colter , I was hoping you might take a walk with me . " Mr . Norton laughed , a sound she was beginning to detest . " Silly girl , I am much too old for a chaperone . I assure you , your reputation will be safe with me . I simply want to stroll for a few moments with a beautiful woman on my arm . " Julia thought a stroll might be too much for the man . He was sweating profusely and seemed to have difficulty walking the distance to the door , as his breath came in short , heavy bursts . She looked to Mary for support . She smiled and nodded her approval , oblivious to Mr . Norton 's reprehensible behavior . As Reuben stood next to Mary , his eyes narrowed with a silent warning . Heeding the unspoken message , she stood and accepted Mr . Norton 's arm . Outside , the air barely cooled in the waning sunlight , causing Julia to grow warm in a matter of seconds . She wished she thought to grab her fan when a sour odor wafted from the man at her side . Averting her face , she tried to catch an untainted breath of air . Unsuccessful , she decided parting her lips to breathe through her mouth might be preferable . Nearing the stables , Mr . Norton stopped abruptly , turning towards Julia . The quick motion - seemingly impossible coming from the man who seemed to struggle walking much of a distance - frightened her . Sucking in air quickly through her mouth , a slight tickle lingered in the back of her throat , almost bringing on a cough . When he spoke , his voice took on a sinister edge . Even in the dimming light she could see the contempt in his eyes . " Miss Colter , while I admire your feisty spirit , " he said as he grabbed her wrists , " It would serve you not to embarrass me again , especially by questioning my business practices in a room full of my peers . I can make your life most unbearable if you cross me . " Without warning he pulled her close and crushed his mouth down on hers as his hands took great liberty in exploring her body . The shock of his action took a moment to register . Once it did , Julia brought her booted heel down hard on the top center of his foot , just as Will showed her . He dropped his hold instantly , crying out in pain . As he limped toward her , she ran for the front of the house to put some distance between them . Tripping over something , she stumbled , giving Mr . Norton time to catch up . He grabbed her bruised upper arms with surprising strength . " Do not ever do that again , " he said in a hostile tone . " Do you not know that Reuben has promised you to me ? Make no mistake , Miss Colter , I am a powerful man . If you want to live a decent , peaceful life under my roof , you best lose some of your haughtiness … Or , I will take whatever measures necessary to force it out of you . " Julia blinked , trying to absorb all that he said . Was he saying that Reuben already agreed to her marrying this loathsome man ? An ominous chill swept over her as he continued his intense stare . Her heart beat rapidly within her chest as her panic rose . She could not - would not - marry this dreadful man . While her smile came insincerely , his seemed quite pleased . He crossed the room slowly , still favoring his injured foot , before stopping in front of Reuben and Mary . " Reuben , it gives me great pleasure to announce that Julia has eagerly agreed to accept my offer of marriage , " he said smugly . " She was so delighted that she agreed to a short engagement . We will be married in a month . " His fingernails dug into her arm daring her to speak otherwise . The smirk on Reuben 's face told her this had been their plan all along . Such a public announcement , even though it was completely false , would be difficult to break . Lord , help me . I cannot marry that man . December 13 , 2011 · 12 : 26 pm Blindness " And Jesus said , For judgment I am come into this world , that they which see not might see ; and that they which see might be made blind . And some of the Pharisees which were with him heard these words , and said unto him , Are we blind also ? Jesus said unto them , If ye were blind , ye should have no sin : but now ye say , We see ; therefore your sin remaineth . " John 9 : 39 - 41 , KJV . It makes me realize that sometimes in our church factions , group factions online now , and other conflicts , nothing is new ! Jesus did not look like we think He probably did ! The groups of people who judge others harshly for different beliefs , follow the list of rules that they believe are biblical to the point they forget that He did call us to love one another in our judgement . " Likewise , ye younger , submit yourselves unto the elder . Yea , all of you be subject one to another , and be clothed with humility : for God resisteth the proud , and giveth grace to the humble . " 1 Peter 5 : 5 , KJV . Humbleness is hard … . but Jesus was humble in even His " foolishness " , his judgement was righteous , his anger was just . Yet , who do we see His grace and mercy to ? The blind , the sick , the sinners , the ones rejected by society and turned away from the religious leaders of the day . Where was his anger focused ? It was not on the sin among the tax collectors , the catamites who walked the streets , or even the Roman officials … . it was on the religious leaders who believed they were right . " Many will say to me in that day , Lord , Lord , have we not prophesied in thy name ? and in thy name have cast out devils ? and in thy name done many wonderful works ? And then will I profess unto them , I never knew you : depart from me , ye that work iniquity . " Matthew 7 : 22 , 23 , KJV . I think when we think we are right , we have to search our hearts , because when we say " We see . " our sin can remain , but when we are humble , He can open our eyes and our hearts to be cleansed from sin . Leave a comment This new pioneer story drew me in from the beginning , I love old west stories and this one was no different . When Hannah 's husband is ostracized in the town where he is a doctor , he makes the decision to go west , in spite of his wife 's protests . The trials of the trail as they head to Arizona Territory have her frightened and she wonders if they will make it . I had to think when reading this book , how many times people because of selfishness , and just evil hearts , can do things that have consequences that effect our lives , even when it is not our fault . I am excited to read the rest of this series by this author ! - Martha It is time for a FIRST Wild Card Tour book review ! If you wish to join the FIRST blog alliance , just click the button . We are a group of reviewers who tour Christian books . A Wild Card post includes a brief bio of the author and a full chapter from each book toured . The reason it is called a FIRST Wild Card Tour is that you never know if the book will be fiction , non ~ fiction , for young , or for old … or for somewhere in between ! Enjoy your free peek into the book ! ABOUT THE AUTHOR : Karen Baney , in addition to writing Christian historical fiction and contemporary novels , works as a Software Engineer . Her faith plays an important role both in her life and in her writing . Karen and her husband make their home in Gilbert , Arizona , with their two dogs . She also holds a Masters of Business Administration from Arizona State University . SHORT BOOK DESCRIPTION : The promise of a new life and a chance to start over … Hannah Anderson had the life she always wanted , married to the man of her dreams . When her husband 's brother gets in trouble with the law , the town turns against them , shattering her perfect life . Now they are left with only one choice - to head west to the Arizona Territory in the hopes of creating a new life . Will the journey be worth the cost ? Will Colter , after burying his father , is forced to leave the ranch he has called home for nearly thirty years . The journey is dangerous , challenging him and his men . Will he find the new life he was hoping for ? Hannah sighed at the tense sound of her husband 's voice filtering down the hall from the parlor to the kitchen . Though she clearly heard the urgency in Drew 's tone , she took a moment to remove the half - baked biscuits from the heavy iron stove , lest they burn before she returned . This would be the third batch of baked goods she would toss this week so she could assist Drew in his surgery with one medical emergency or another . Biting back a second frustrated sigh , she removed her cooking apron to don a fresh one . Tying the apron strings around her back , she entered the chaos of Drew 's surgery room . The heavy shuffling of feet echoed in the small room as four men grunted under the weight of the injured man . The acrid smell of blood hit Hannah full force . She recalled the days when the odor and sight of blood caused her stomach to roil . Nearly two years working by Drew 's side cured her of some of that sensitivity . Heart pounding rapidly , she prepared the ether cone , anticipating the forthcoming request . " Get him on the table . " Drew instructed the men carrying the wounded bank manager , Mr . Davis , in a calm voice . As he turned to face her , his tone remained steady , " Hannah , I need the ether now . " Hannah 's breath caught in her throat as she looked into Mr . Davis 's panicked eyes - her earlier frustration vanished . Whispering words of comfort , she placed the cone over his nose and mouth , silently counting out the seconds . Around the third second , his thrashing stopped and his body relaxed into an unconscious state . She let out a shaky breath , relieved by the sight . Drew 's lanky form bent over Mr . Davis 's left leg as he intently studied the blood soaked trousers . Hannah offered Drew scissors and he cut the pant leg to better see the wound . The bullet was lodged in Mr . Davis 's thigh . He placed a tourniquet above the gaping hole to stop the flow of blood . Hannah mopped up what she could with rags silently praying for their patient and for her husband 's skill . As he requested the small forceps , she handed them over . Watching , she could not help but admire his steady hand and careful movements as he grasped the bullet with the forceps . Gently he removed the bullet . As she administered another dose of ether , Drew threaded a needle with his long slender fingers , seemingly unaffected by the gravity of his task . He doused the wound to clean it before starting slow deliberate strokes with the needle to stitch the hole shut . When sweat beaded on his forehead , he barely noticed her swift action to dab it dry , his concentration so intense . Once he finished with the stitches , he wrapped the leg in bandages before checking for other signs of injury . " I don 't see any other wounds , " Drew said meeting her gaze as he washed the blood from his hands . His expression remained unreadable . " Please sit with him for a minute while I speak with the men who brought him in . " " Bank robbery , " Hannah muttered , surprised someone attempted such in the middle of the day in their peaceful town . She chided herself for thinking of Cincinnati as a town . With the large number of German immigrants arriving daily to work in the meat packing factories , her childhood home was quickly becoming a large city . She checked Mr . Davis 's pulse again which returned to normal . The faint smell of ether hung in the air , intermingled with blood , causing her to take shallow breaths . Drew returned to the room with a deep frown on his face , obviously concerned with the news . As he listened to Mr . Davis 's breathing , Hannah went about cleaning and sanitizing the room and instruments , trying to hold her emotions at bay just a little longer . The frail woman gasped at the sight of her pale husband sleeping . Hannah breathed a sigh of relief that she completed the cleaning before Mrs . Davis arrived , fearful for the woman 's constitution . Glancing down at her blood splattered apron , she hoped to go unnoticed , certain the sight would send Mrs . Davis into a fit of apoplexy . " Mrs . Davis , " Drew said , speaking in calm soft tones as he clapped his hand over the older woman 's , " he will be just fine . He is resting now , but should be awake later this evening . I would like to keep him here for a few days to make sure he is doing well , and then I 'll send him home to your capable care . " Quietly exiting the room , Hannah paused inside the doorway of the kitchen . The intensity of the preceding hours drained her energy as the emotions rushed forward . Leaning her head back against the wall , she let the tears roll down her face . Please let the image of Mr . Davis 's fear - stricken face fade from my mind quickly . The look had been so intense that she felt his fear as if it were her own - not in the moment she looked at him , but now as she returned to the calmness of her kitchen . Wiping the tears from her face with the back of her hand , she removed the stained apron and threw it into a bucket to soak . Picking up a clean apron , she returned to the now half crunchy half soggy biscuits next to the oven trying to push the morning from her mind . Knowing there was no way to salvage the biscuits ; she threw them into the waste and started on a fresh batch . Carefully , she measured out the flour and buttermilk . The familiar actions of baking soothed her edgy nerves . Using the technique her aunt taught her , Hannah rolled out the biscuit dough and cut round forms , repeating the steps until all the dough formed raw biscuits . Numbly she continued through the motions until lovely golden brown biscuits emerged from the oven . As Drew saw his last scheduled patient for the day , Hannah started her afternoon routine of tidying the clinic . Starting in the parlor at the front of the house , she straightened chairs and dusted the furniture . From the parlor , she turned left into Drew 's office since both surgery rooms on the right were occupied , one by Mr . Davis and the other by Drew and his patient . Hannah dusted her husband 's desk and stowed the patient charts in the largest drawer at the bottom of the oak desk . Taking a seat , Hannah flipped through the stack of bills . There never seemed to be enough time to see to everything . She needed to spend some time updating the ledgers soon . Hannah stood listening as Drew escorted the last patient to the parlor . She entered the now vacant surgery room , wiping down all the surfaces . Once the room was cleaned , Hannah checked on Mr . Davis again . He was still resting peacefully , his wife clutching his hand as she sat in the chair , her chin resting against her chest either in prayer or in sleep . Walking down the hall to the kitchen at the back of the house , Hannah began supper preparations . She felt most at peace in her kitchen - her domain . Perhaps it was from the few years she spent by her loving aunt 's side learning how to bake and cook , those domestic skills her mother had not instilled before her passing . Shaking off the mounting melancholy , she shifted her thoughts back to Mr . Davis 's care . Following the meal , she would send Drew upstairs to their bedroom to get some rest . She would take the first shift watching Mr . Davis and then , sometime in the middle of the night she would wake Drew to take over . At times like these , she wished Drew would hire a nurse . Hannah barely kept up with the laundry , cleaning , and meal preparations without overnight patients . Whenever a patient required round the clock care , she fell woefully behind in other chores . What would she do when she had children to care for ? " Barnes , " Drew greeted , with some hesitation , as one of the city 's policemen entered the clinic alone . Being one of two doctors in town , Drew often patched up robbers or drunken brawlers before Barnes hauled them off to jail . Occasionally he even visited the jail when Barnes deemed it too dangerous to bring the criminal to the clinic . Drew showed him to his office where their conversation could remain private . Once the bulky man took a seat , Drew quickly fetched Hannah . The lack of sleep from the night before did not help his increasing nervousness about the policeman 's unusual behavior . " From what we pieced together , " Barnes ' deep voice added to his air of authority , " it looks like Thomas , along with Sam Rogers and Ed Rogers , stormed the bank yesterday afternoon as one of the patrons was leaving . They pulled their guns on Mr . Davis and forced him to open the safe in the back room . Mr . Davis kept a loaded revolver in the safe , so once he opened it , he turned the gun on Sam and shot him in the foot . Then Ed fired on Mr . Davis . " " After Mr . Davis was shot , " Barnes continued , " all three men took off , leaving the money behind . A few pedestrians noted the direction . We followed the trail and it led us to the Rogers ' house . We arrested all three men . Like I said , they are in jail and will remain there until a judge decides what is to be done . " Drew looked over at Hannah . Her eyes widened with concern . Thomas rebelled for years , though never so boldly . Disappointment washed over Drew , quickly follow by guilt . If only he had been able to get through to Thomas . Maybe this would not have happened . Ever since their father died , Drew 's brother could not contain his restless spirit . Thomas started hanging out with the Rogers brothers and things went downhill from there . The Rogers brothers bullied classmates during their school days and as they aged , they got worse : petty theft from the mercantile , vandalizing businesses , and picking fights with anyone who would pay them mind . When Thomas started staying out late and carousing with Sam and Ed Rogers , Drew did not hesitate to warn Thomas of the dangers of his actions . Closing his eyes , Drew clearly remembered the day he confronted his brother . Drew woke to a thudding sound on the stairs . Sitting upright , he remained completely still , trying to determine if what he heard was real or imagined as his heart pounded against his chest . Thud . There is it was again . Slipping from the bed , Drew carefully crept to the closed bedroom door . Slowly he cracked it open , just as a muffled curse reached his ears . Thomas ! Stepping from the room , Drew pulled the bedroom door closed behind him , so as not to wake Hannah . At the top of the stairs he made out Thomas 's limp form lying prostrate across several of the stairs . The stale cigar smoke and sickening sweet smell of whiskey clung to his brother 's clothing . As Drew approached , Thomas looked up and cursed again . At first , Drew thought Thomas was merely drunk again - a frequent occurrence . But when he tried to help him up , Thomas recoiled and moaned in pain . Drew led him down the stairs and into the surgery room for a quick examination . Lighting the oil lamp , Drew saw the extent of his brother 's injuries . Besides the swollen black eye , his face and knuckles were covered with numerous cuts and scrapes . His ribs were also bruised . This must have been his worst fight to date . He grew weary of the familiar accusation . Thomas always thought Drew did not care - Drew always tried to show his concern . He was letting him live here . Wasn 't that proof enough that he cared ? As his anger rose , so did his voice . " Look at yourself . Night after night you come home drunk or - " " It is my business , as long as you are living in this house ! " Drew volleyed back . Taking his brother in had been a mistake . He thought providing a home and some structure would help Thomas give up his wild ways . Instead , no matter what Drew did , Thomas threw it in his face . " Don 't act like you are doing me a favor , Drew , " the hatred poured from his brother 's lips . " I know what you are doing . You just don 't want to feel guilty for leaving me here while you went to medical school . But you should ! Living with Uncle Peter was awful ! " The argument escalated until Hannah appeared in the doorway . When she looked from Drew to Thomas and back again , Drew shut his mouth mid - sentence . Thomas frowned , cursed , then turned and stormed out into the night . Closing the door behind Barnes , Drew snorted . He refused to bail Thomas out of trouble again . Aware of the waiting patients , Drew ushered Hannah back to his office and closed the door , wondering just how much they overheard . " What can I do ? " Drew replied , acknowledging his own helplessness in this situation . " He is a grown man and he is not my responsibility any longer . " " No , " he answered angrily . Seeing the shock on Hannah 's face , he quickly explained , " At some point Thomas must choose his own way . Well … he already has . He made that clear more than a year ago . There is nothing I can do or say that will change anything . " Drew ran his fingers through his hair in frustration . His heart broke again as he thought of how disappointed his father would be . Perhaps his father passing on was a good thing . At least he would not witness his youngest son 's destructive behavior . Sunday morning , Hannah put the finishing touches on the roast and slid it into the oven . Bounding up the stairs she quickly untied the apron from her waist . Standing before the mirror she brushed out her long strawberry blonde hair then twisted it into a chignon at the base of her neck inside the decorative black netted hair piece . She smiled , pleased with her appearance . " Come here , " he added , pulling her close . " Your eyes look bluer than the sky in that dress . " He brushed lips lightly across hers in a brief kiss . As Hannah preceded Drew down the stairs , she could not contain her excitement over the planned Sunday dinner guests - Levi and Emily Werner . It had been two months since Hannah had seen Emily . Earlier this week , Levi stopped by the clinic to let Hannah know Emily would be back to church this week , having sufficiently recovered from her morning sickness . Hannah quickly extended an invitation for dinner , missing her best friend dearly . Emily and Hannah grew up on adjoining farms several miles outside of Cincinnati . Hannah could not remember a time when she and Emily weren 't friends , despite being such opposites in looks and personality . With her dark curls and flashing nutmeg brown eyes , Emily charmed everyone , from the most reserved students to the toughest bullies in their school . As she grew older and began filling out her dress , boys noticed her long before noticing Hannah - not that any had noticed Hannah in school . Walking to and from school together , Hannah often found herself in the role of quiet listener to Emily 's constant chattering about what Amanda Taylor wore that day , or how the pigs on the farm gave birth to a large litter , or who danced with who at the last barn dance . Perhaps if Emily had set her mind on memorizing her lessons at school and not on such things , she would have made higher marks and Hannah would have spent less time trying to help her catch up . Besides helping Emily with her school work , Hannah found in her a friend with whom she could confide her deepest sorrows , especially following her mother 's death . Even when her father sent her away to live with her aunt , she wrote letters to Emily almost weekly . When Hannah moved back to the farm with her father , years later , she easily picked up her friendship with Emily . Sadly , she was the only constant person in her life . As Drew pulled the phaeton carriage to a stop down the street from the large whitewashed church building , Hannah scanned the crowd for her tall friend . Spotting her , she threw her arm up for a quick wave after Drew helped her to the ground . Emily turned without acknowledging Hannah and entered through the large dark wood doors . Perhaps she just didn 't see me . Once inside the church , Hannah watched as Emily and Levi took their seats in their normal pew . Drew led Hannah to the same pew . As soon as Drew and Hannah sat , she leaned forward to greet Emily , who immediately , without word , stood and followed her husband out of the pew . Feeling Drew 's body stiffen , Hannah peeked his direction . The couple on the other side of Drew stood and moved elsewhere . Soon , the pew in front of them emptied , as long time friends scattered to the edges of the room like marbles spilled on the floor . When the music started , she shifted her gaze to the words in the hymnal , not needing to read them , but needing to hide her growing sadness over the rejection of her friends . Her voice sounded forced as she tried to sing praises to her God . Inside , she felt anything but gratitude . As the last strains of the final hymn echoed in the wooden room , the pastor stood and gave a blessing . The sound of booted feet heightened as the crowd exited the church . Not waiting for Drew , Hannah hurried to catch up with Emily outside . " Emily , we 've been sitting together for years . Why did you move this morning ? " Hannah asked as her friend tried to dodge her for a second time . " Aren 't you coming to dinner ? " Emily 's dark eyes flashed with anger as she turned to face Hannah . Brushing Hannah 's hand from her arm , she said , " It was our money , Hannah . We sacrificed and saved for years for that money . Levi took on that second shift at the meat factory so we would have enough for a home of our own to get out of that horrible squalor . " " No , you don 't understand . And neither did Thomas . He just thought he could walk right into that bank and take what we worked so hard for , " Emily wagged her finger in Hannah 's face , causing Hannah to involuntarily take a step backwards . " And him , a worthless , gambling scoundrel ! Never worked an honest day 's labor in his life . But , he thought he could just take what wasn 't his . " Levi , who stood with arms folded across his barrel chest , finally spoke , directing his comments to Drew , " A doctor is nothing without his reputation and yours is tainted by your brother 's wild ways . Tell me , Drew , did he try to hide out at your clinic when his plan failed ? " Anger shrouded his words . By now , several other couples gathered around listening to the heated conversation . Friends , who greeted her with a hug and warm smile last week , looked on with hatred carved on their faces . Tears threatened at the corners of Hannah 's eyes as the pain of betrayal heightened . Hannah 's tears streamed down her heated face as Emily 's words pierced her heart . How could Emily say such a thing ? She talked for months about how wonderful it would be to have her best friend by her side as she labored to bring her first child into this world . Now , the friend who stood by her in a school yard full of bullies was acting the part of instigator . Did their friendship mean so little ? When he lifted his head again , he held out his elbow for Hannah wordlessly . With a firm nod to her , she read the silent message : it was time to go . In the midst of angry murmurs circling about them , Hannah followed her husband to their carriage . As he took the seat next to her , his eyes faced forward . His jaw set in a hard line . His shoulders slumped in defeat . |
Do you ever . . . let your kid ride a bike to the library ? Walk to school ? Make dinner ? Or are you thinking about it ? If so , you are raising a Free - Range Kid ! Free - Rangers believe in helmets , car seats , seat belts safety ! e just do NOT believe that every time school age kids go outside , they need a security detail . hare your stories , tell your tips and maybe I 'll use them in a new book . ere 's to common sense parenting in uncommonly overprotective times ! witter @ FreeRangeKids RT @ bmaywat : Prohibiting play on residential streets ? Perhaps it 's not just " technology " that is keeping kids inside @ Troy _ D _ Glover @ FreeRa … 13 minutes ago Posted on January 14 , 2011 by lskenazy Hi Readers ! Here 's a note about something that went right . but it could have gone even , uh , righter . - L Dear Free - Range Kids : I had my first half - way Free - Range encounter with another parent the other day . I was at the ice rink with my toddlers , watching the kids on the ice from a bench near the front door . A man with a young boy , 4 - ish , approaches the bench and sort of looks us over . The dad then tells the boy to stay here and wait , but is looking at me strangely . Then he goes to the desk maybe 10 feet away . After a bit of chatting with the boy about his plans to go skating with his dad and brother I realized the dad was outside the rink , down the stairs heading to his car for his tween son . He wasn 't gone very long . I realized that the strange look was him deciding that I 'd probably keep an eye on his kid for the 5 mins he was gone to haul his hyper - texting tween out of the car . He probably figured a mom with two toddlers was pretty safe . But my thought was : WOW , he could have just asked me to keep an eye on his son . I would have been happy to - my kids were enamored of his skates and the kid had a great time showing them off . It seemed to me that the dad was thinking he was doing something wrong and was afraid to ask . Wouldn 't his son have been safer if ( like my parents used to do ) the dad just said , " Hey , I 'm running out to the car ( it was raining buckets and the 4 - year - old had on his skates ) . Can you keep an eye on Jr here ? " No big deal . So sad . Not that his son wasn 't safe this way either 🙂 - Dee Lenore here : Yes , it would have been better , and nicer . I wish folks would stop equating " leaning on each other " with " imposing . " Part of the whole Free - Range idea is that when we connect instead of suspect , we create the very thing that makes kids ( and parents ) happier and safer : Community . There have been times when I 've spoken up and volunteered to watch kids or stuff before they thought to ask . Usually the look I get is complete gratitude . Try it , it 's fun ! tana , on January 14 , 2011 at 22 : 11 said : my dad traveled a lot for work when we were growing up . it was a normal sight to see him walk off a plane with some woman 's luggage , stroller , or even baby . a few times he was asked , but more often he offered - ' ma ' am , can i help you with your bag / stroller / baby ? ' now he 'd probably be labeled a pervert for that , but i know there were some grateful women out there who smiled and told my mom she was a lucky woman to have married such a gentleman ! ask for help when you need it , offer help if you see a need . keep your eye on the emergency exit in case someone calls the cops for it ! Brian , on January 14 , 2011 at 22 : 12 said : Or perhaps he knew his kid would be fine waiting there for 5 minutes without anyone " watching " him . Maybe it would give the kid a feeling of responsibility and maturity to be trusted . And most of all , perhaps the dad , correctly , assessed that there was no realistic risk in leaving his kid there for 5 minutes . About 6 months ago I was on a road trip with my 2 1 / 2 year old daughter . The drive was about 8 hours long , and I tried to make plenty of stops . When we were about an hour from home , she said , " I need to potty , " and I frantically looked for a rest stop . I found one , pulled in , unbuckled her , raced into the bathroom , and she peed in the stall right before I got her pants down . Then she started crying , and another woman walked into the bathroom . Rather than leave my girl alone in a stall , or walk her outside to get a change of clothes , I just asked the woman if she could hang out with my daughter . I ran out to my car , came back with a new outfit , and saw that the woman was squatting down in front of my girl , holding her hands and talking to her . I am so glad I was comfortable asking for help , and that she wasn 't bugged about it . Donna , on January 14 , 2011 at 23 : 13 said : I agree with Brian . I wouldn 't have asked for the woman to " watch " my 5 year old . I would have told my child that I was running to the car and to stay in the rink and off the ice until I got back ( something that he may have done before the child went over to the bench ) . I wouldn 't have expected the woman or anyone else in the rink to look after my child for 5 minutes . She is perfectly safe in a skating rink by herself for a short period of time and I expect her to obey my rules . Quincy , on January 14 , 2011 at 23 : 15 said : I have to admit that I often hesitate to ask if someone will watch my kid , but more for fear that they will say no and I will be stuck having to drag my kids out to do whatever . Mine are relatively young 5 and 2 and my 5yo in particular is like velcro in his attachment to me . That said , on a road trip last weekend , my 2 yo had an accident in the car , so when we stopped for gas , I changed her and left them in the store for a moment ( being entertained and entertaining to the woman at the counter ) while I ran the dirty pants to the car . Of course , there were donuts in the near future for well behaved kids , so that may have been part of it … . I don 't think he was not wanting to ask … He told his son to wait where he put him and was scoping out who was around him . If the writer had been someone " scary " he probably would have stuck his son on another bench . Why , because there was an adult around , should the dad have asked her to " watch " his kid ? Erika , on January 14 , 2011 at 23 : 55 said : When my daughter was 4 or 5 , I got her to a swimming lesson only to realize I 'd left her suit at home . Our house was about 5 minutes from the pool . If I brought C home w / us , I knew that it 'd take a lot longer - getting her out to the car & in the booster , getting her back out & into the locker room after we returned , plus I think she was already semi - undressed . The session had been going on for a few weeks , and I 'd chatted w / another mom there a few times . THis other mom was in the locker room when I realized I didn 't have the suit . I can 't remember if I asked her to keep an eye on C . , or whether she volunteered , but I do know that I left my daughter there w / a relative stranger , forgot to get the woman 's name , didn 't even give her my cell # , and zipped home & back fast enough that we were only a few minutes late for class . EricS , on January 15 , 2011 at 00 : 22 said : @ Brian : That would be the ideal way to go about it . But why give the mother a " strange look " ? Would he have dealt with it differently if it was a single male ( perhaps an employee ) sitting there taking a break ? If he 's teaching his son a sense of responsibility , it shouldn 't matter if a mother of two is sitting there , or a man by himself . Teaching your child responsibility also includes trusting him . So if you 've taught him right , in how to deal with certain situations , and trust him to remember a do what he 's suppose to , it shouldn 't matter at all . Paula , on January 15 , 2011 at 00 : 31 said : On a recent flight from Orlando to NYC , a mom was traveling on her own with a toddler and a baby . When I told her I loved babies , she handed him to me and I ended up holding him the entire flight ! She was seated two rows behind me . No joke . Talk about trusting a stranger ! Back when I lived in CA , my wife was out on the sidewalk in front of our house on a busy street . A woman approached , clearly struggling to get her leashed dog under control while carrying her toddler . My wife offered to help and was pleased and surprised to be immediately handed the boy . Once the dog was corralled , they struck up a conversation , and as a result , our families became close and lasting friends , thanks to this mom 's free - range attitude . Lenore is right : Our kids are safer when they 're wards of a community , not just their parents . Cheryl W , on January 15 , 2011 at 01 : 49 said : I am of the opinion that the man thought the child was old enough to sit for a couple minutes . The " strange look " may have been from the fact that he was mad at his other child . I think the mom 's proper response is when the man returns to tell him what a well behaved child he has . At times I need to send my kids to sit on the bench at the front of the store while I pack up groceries . ( When they are older , I will have them do it . But right now I like my bread to be on top of the cans . ) It is always nice when an adult says how well behaved my kids are for waiting patiently . Hellga , on January 15 , 2011 at 01 : 53 said : Skating rinks … when I was 4 , my Dad took me to the open - air rink at the nearby school , saw that there was an older girl ( maybe 8 or 9 ) skating there and just asked her if she would teach me how to skate ( neither of my parents can ) . She did . Since it was maybe a quarter mile away from home , with no roads to cross , from the age of six or so my best friend ( and next door neighbor ) and I would go by ourselves every weekend and skate and play in the snow to our little hearts ' content . We would come home only when our feet were completely frozen . There were always a ton of kids around , and the only ones with adult supervision were little three year olds and such . Fun times … that probably doesn 't happen anymore . But I don 't agree with everyone who said that asking her to watch him would have been wrong . Some kids at that age can be trusted in that situation . Others can 't , for whatever reason . The mantra of of FRK is " you know when your kids can handle a certain level of freedom and / or responsibility . " It 's not for us here to decide that he " should have been able to " leave his five year old alone without someone to keep an eye on him . Maybe he could have , maybe not . I think that the fact that he DID leave his child alone indicates that he thought that the boy could handle it . I wouldn 't have a problem with someone who doesn 't trust their particular child alone in this situation asking someone to keep an eye on him . 4 year olds vary in trustworthiness . I object to the notion that this man did ( nonverbally ) or should have asked the writer to take care of his child . That implies a feeling that 4 year olds shouldn 't sit on a bench unsupervised . Dee jumped to a conclusion that this man must have wanted her to watch his child , but that may not be what he wanted at all . I would guess that it wasn 't since he addressed the child and told him to sit and wait but didn 't say anything to her at all . He was likely just deciding if it was okay to leave his child unsupervised at all or questioned her as a seatmate for him while he waited . Personally if I had been in this situation , I would have done exactly what the father did . I would have told my daughter to wait for me and not said a word to the mother . This is absolutely NOT because I expected her to keep an eye on my child but because my child can keep an eye on herself for 5 minutes . Only if I didn 't trust my child to do that , would I have said anything to the mother at all ( outside of a pleasantry but it seems like dad was not in a pleasantry mood ) . It is irreponsible to leave a child that you can 't trust alone with some person without letting the person know . That mother could have been leaving right that second and not paid the child any mind . I think this is the least likely scenario while the most likely is that the child didn 't need minding and Dee jumped to the conclusion that he did for some reason . Monica , on January 15 , 2011 at 09 : 02 said : I have the problem of trusting my child but having all the strangers in the world think she 's not to be trusted . I 'm the one always being stopped because my child wondered ' over there ' , or being offered help with my child when none is needed ( no , my child doesn 't need to be right next to me holding my hand at all times ! And yes , I 'm aware she wondered ' over there ' and I 'm perfectly fine with that ! ) arrgghh ! Trust me , I would ask a perfect stranger if I needed help . Robin , on January 15 , 2011 at 09 : 51 said : Whether the child was capable of being left alone or not , it 's common curteousy to actually say something to another human . If he seated his child near her , why not tell her and him , I 'll be right back . I 'm not sure when we lost the ability to talk to other adults . I was at a minor league baseball game and a couple rows in front of us was a woman with 4 kids all about the same age . It looked like one or two were hers and the others were their friends . At one point she left them all there to go get something from the snack bar . She pointed to each seat and told each of them what number seat they had to stay in . The kids never moved . When she came back we complimented her on their behavior . I think she was relieved to know they were good . Mr . North of 49 , on January 15 , 2011 at 12 : 20 said : I know this is off topic but I had mentioned this to Lenore previously and I wanted to pass on with the sourcing . This is a note about the famous kid 's band . The Wiggles . From their wiki : " their signature finger - wagging move , was created by Cook after seeing professional bowlers do it on television . [ 12 ] It became the group 's policy to use this pose when being photographed with children . They insisted that touching children , no matter how innocently , was inappropriate . The use of the pose protected them from possible litigation ; as Paul Paddick has explained , " There is no doubting where their hands are " crowjoy , on January 15 , 2011 at 22 : 35 said : I am eternally grateful to every person who ever gave me a sympathetic look or offered to help or agreed to help when I had 2 infants 3 months apart . I can 't even tell you how generous people can be when you 're open to their help . So now , even if I get a tremor of " I hope they don 't think … " I offer to help . Kid screaming uncontrollably while Mom tries to wrangle the littler one ? I chat with the kid ( ha , or now just send mine to see if they can make the child laugh . ) Let me help with the door while you drag that stroller in backwards . Let me watch you kid in the cart while you have a pee ( and honey , go ahead and take an extra minute to yourself , that 's awesome . ) This is what we build ! Lenore , I LOVE " don 't suspect , connect " LOVE it . Pair up a free range logo with that and you have a T shirt I will buy in every size . While I agree that people should be nicer to each other and exchange pleasantries more often , I disagree with this statement completely . If someone sat their kid next to me and said , " I 'll be right back " to me , I would then take that to mean that the person expected me to be responsible for their child until he got back and I think it would tell the child that the person was responsible for him until his parent got back . The fact is that the writer DID hear the father tell his son to sit there until he came back . If the father expected nothing from this woman , as I believe was the case , he need not tell the woman anything . Yes , a pleasant " hello " would have been nice , but nothing was needed . Would you go with your husband to a bench and then tell the person sitting next to him that you 'll be back in a minute ? Of course not because you don 't expect that stranger to care whether you return or not because she 's not responsible for your husband . SKL , on January 16 , 2011 at 04 : 16 said : Can 't read all the responses . But I lean toward the idea that maybe the dad felt his kid was OK without anyone being assigned to supervise him . I have left my 4 - year - olds to go run out briefly , when it would have been a much bigger problem to drag them with me . At such times , I didn 't ask someone to watch them because ( a ) they didn 't need to be " watched " and ( b ) what if they said " no " ? Then I 'd HAVE to take them with me . However , one of my inauspicious evenings went like this . After a very long and busy day , I stopped at a McD Playplace for dinner . While the kids were playing , I used my cell phone and then absent - mindedly placed it on the food tray , which I later emptied into the trash . I realized this on the way out , after the trash had been taken outdoors . So an employee was assigned to go dig in the trash compactor for it , and I needed to go out there with him . It was bitterly cold . I left the girls inside for a bit but it was getting long , so I came back in , prepared to drag them out with me . A woman who 'd been observing offered to watch the girls , and I gratefully accepted . I 'd noticed her watching , but wasn 't sure whether she was the type to call the cops or whatever busybodies do when moms walk off without their kids . ( We did find the phone but I felt so bad for the poor guy who had to climb in the trash to find it - wish I 'd had the presence of mind to tip him ! ) Staceyjw aka escaped to mexico , on January 16 , 2011 at 22 : 36 said : I ask for help all the time , and offer it quite a bit too . last month I drove an old lady around to help her find her car in the parking lot . She had been wandering , freezing for awhile hoping someone would ask her if she needed something ! My first flight with my then 4 month old ( who was 20 # already ) was interesting . I had a laugh with a girl in line , I told her if the baby was loud not to worry , I would drug him , and she said it was OK cuz she brought duct tape - classic ! ! ! She ended up sitting by me ( by choice ) and helped occupy my son with videos . It did surprise me , in a bad way , how many people could watch me carrying my baby , trying to balance a bunch of luggage , and not even think to offer a hand . I was obviously struggling to make it to the airport from the car , but everyone looked away . On the way home , a few times I had to get stuff out of the overhead bin , and when I asked the person next to me to just make sure my baby didn 't face plant onto the floor ( I buckled him in ) while I stood up for 2 min , they couldn 't be bothered to really try . jeez people ! I did ask men to help me , and they always did . But no one offered . I always offer help , I have even wheeled people in chairs to baggage , carried people bags , etc . But no one could be bothered to ask if I needed a hand , not even going through security , trying to separate liquids , taking off shoes , even babys shoes , etc . SKL , on January 17 , 2011 at 04 : 06 said : One day I had the girls at Wal - Mart ( neither could walk yet ) and it started to pour like crazy - and it was cold out , too . I waited for about a half hour in the hope that the rain would lighten up , but no luck . My car was parked almost at the far end of the parking lot . You can imagine all the ideas that went through my head - could I just leave the kids in the stroller and run for the car ? Could I ask someone to give us a lift to the car ? But alas , every thought led to the concern that someone would report me for " endangering " my kids . Finally I pushed the stroller to the car and loaded the kids in . All three of us were soaked to the skin by the time we got into the car . Now that was a time it would have been nice for someone to just stand with the stroller for the few minutes it would take me to get back with the car . But somehow I didn 't feel like anyone around was willing to sacrifice a few minutes to a stranger . I was a new single mom and still in the " I can do it all myself " mindset , too . Now that I 've had a few other humbling experiences , I 'd probably be less reluctant to ask for help in a case like that . Oh , and that is also the day I decided that I would NEVER take the " closest parking spot " unless I was desperate . I would hate to put another mom with wee kids through that kind of experience - nor an elderly / sick / hurting person . Yuck . pentamom , on January 17 , 2011 at 06 : 29 said : " Oh , and that is also the day I decided that I would NEVER take the " closest parking spot " unless I was desperate . I would hate to put another mom with wee kids through that kind of experience - nor an elderly / sick / hurting person . Yuck . " Thanks for the reminder of that - I 'll try to bear that in mind in future myself . That is what infuriates me so much about people who abuse handicapped spaces . It 's not that I 'm one of those people who gets bent out of shape over petty violations ( I really DON ' T care if you have 22 items in your cart as long as you aren 't incompetent at working the self - check ) but I always wonder if there isn 't going to be some genuinely disabled person coming along and being put to major inconvenience by your conviction that you 're so special . And the same goes for moms of littles - there 's no special parking for them ( or only occasionally , I have seen it ) but they have as hard a time getting in and out of places as * some * disabled folks do . That said please remember there are invisible disabilities that limit walking and qualify for handicapped parking . Some people undergoing chemo or having a heart condition can look healthy at a glance but need the handicapped parking . There have been times I 've driven a disabled family member somewhere and the HC spaces have been full , so I 've dropped them off and parked a the back of the lot . Leaving if a HC space is available and we need to load a wheelchair or walker , I 'll use park in the HC space to avoid blocking the pick up area / traffic . I 've been yelled at more than once , while walking in to get my family member . The cops have been understanding , when I explained . SKL , on January 17 , 2011 at 11 : 03 said : I understand about hidden disabilities - in fact , we have probably all been in a situation where it would have really been problematic to park far away . But we all know there are many people who seem to think that parking is a competition . I have friends who would rather drive around the parking lot 3 times than take a spot halfway down the lot . And not only are they able - bodied , they could use the extra exercise . But they feel like there 's something to lose by letting someone else get " that great spot . " I 've never been one to care for that , but if the weather was sucky or I was in a hurry , I 've been known to take the closest spot I saw , in the past . But now I run the decision through another filter - the one that says , what if someone who is ill , or needs milk for her wee baby , drives up right after me ? Kymlee , on January 18 , 2011 at 07 : 24 said : We have to be willing to ask that question . The danger in not asking is that I 'll assume your kid will be fine if I walk off to deal with my own thing . If you ask , I 'll be sure to stay and wait for your return . It 's safer to ask , than not . And it builds community . Lenore you 're right . Leaning on your neighbor , or even engaging in single serving friendships is not an imposition . It creates the interconnectedness we build walls against , but really crave . Robin , on January 18 , 2011 at 11 : 12 said : Donna - sorry I didn 't elaborate . I was thinking more along the lines of a conversation , maybe . " I 'll be right back . " becky , on January 18 , 2011 at 22 : 00 said : I remember the first time I was offered help with my ( then ) six week old twins . I was trying to feed them at the mall , and a total stranger came up to me , and offered her help . I accepted . She fed one of the babies , I fed the other , she burped him , I burped the other , and she went off on her way after I told her thanks and offered to buy her a soda . I * also * remember , having my ( at this time , 2 year old ) twins at Panera Bread and I got sick quite quickly . I quickly asked the lady at the next table if she would keep an eye on them for a minute . After leaving the restroom , she told me that she had 12 year old twins and she had fun watching my two year olds . crowjoy , on January 18 , 2011 at 23 : 41 said : I thought of this post when I offered to watch a toddler while mom took the infant into the rest room to get changed . We were at a kids ' museum and the toddler did not want to stop playing to change a nappie . Happy to keep an eye on her I said , and though she peeked out at least once ( the mom that is ) she seems grateful . I know the kid was . AS , on January 20 , 2011 at 02 : 26 said : I did just this on Monday , as I was inspired . I was with my kids at the bookstore so they could play with the train set ( since of course the library is closed on a school - holiday ) . I really had to pee . They were happily playing and besides , who wants to drag a 5 and 2 yr old into the stall ? So I asked a grandmother who was reading there while her granddaughter was playing if she could keep an eye on my kids . Her whole face lit up and she said yes . I came back and she thanked me for trusting her and then joked that even if she wanted to kidnap them , there was no way to drag 2 kids plus her own granddaughter out that quickly . If that dad was , in fact , hesitant to ask you to watch the kid , it may have been less fear of your response and more fear of being imposing . Our society is very strict about the idea that each child is solely it 's parents responsibility , and any failure to be everything and anything the child needs at any moment is a leech on everyone around him . Obviously not true , but that message is so ingrained that we are really afraid to ask for help . Alternately , rather than being worried about asking you to keep an eye on the kid , might he instead have believed that the boy was perfectly safe on his own in that space for two minutes , but was pondering whether you might be the kind of person to raise a stink if he did it ? And he finally judged you to be a rational person , and therefore to be trusted not to call CPS because he walked further than six feet from his kid ? I know I make that kind of judgment all the time . I know when my kids were that age , and even now ( my younger is 6 ) , my fear is not , " Is that person safe , " or " will that person help me if I don 't ask , " but , " will that person judge me and call the cops because she thinks I 'm negligent for letting my eight year old use my pocket knife to slice an apple in public ? " |
It was late when Michael Garibaldi finally got free from the captain and was able to call it a night . He 'd left Captain Sheridan in a rather satisfying state of utter disbelief over the events that had transpired while everyone else had been preoccupied with the Rangers ' ceremony that afternoon . Part of Michael almost wished he hadn 't told the captain about what he 'd found on the mysterious " missing " level Gray 17 , considering Sheridan 's past interest in getting himself in trouble bumming around the worst sections of the station just for the heck of it . Still , the captain had been ready to chew Mike 's head off when he 'd first stumbled into the office simply to check in , so he hadn 't seen that he 'd had much choice in the matter but to tell all . Mike remembered telling Zack just that morning that he enjoyed a good mystery every now and then . Well , a mystery was one thing - - a group of religious fanatics , a deadly alien predator , and tranq - shooting , obnoxious dummies was entirely another beast altogether . He could use never having a day like this one ever again , and would stick to mysteries of the old " paperback " kind from now on if he could . He stepped into the lift with a tired yawn and rubbed the back of his neck , where a nasty headache was unsurprisingly starting to take root . His stomach was complaining from neglect now as well , and he realized he hadn 't had the chance to eat since breakfast and now it was , what . . . almost 2100 hours . Going back to his quarters for a long shower , and calling in for some pizza delivery sounded good , he thought . Bad for the diet , but good for the spirit - - nothing says comfort better than an unhealthy dose of grease and cholesterol . In times past after a day like this one , he might have stopped by Stephen Franklin 's quarters for a while , to wind down with a little mutual venting over the frustrations of running their respective departments on the station . But Stephen was still off on Walkabout , and according to Susan , who had seen him last , in no mood to talk to anyone . Still , Michael had a thought about stopping by to see someone else for some company , and he gave the lift new destination instructions before it stopped on his level . Maybe he could find someone else to share that pizza with tonight . He stepped out on the appropriate level , then stopped outside one door along the corridor . Ringing the buzzer , he called , " Amis , you around ? It 's Mike . " The door slid open and Michael entered the small economy - class apartment . He spotted his friend lounging on the sofa , watching the news on the vid . Michael sniffed the air , noting an appealing aroma from the small kitchenette in the unit . His stomach complained a little more insistently . " Smells good , " he commented , heading over to investigate . It sounded like a more appealing plan than the pizza , so he did . After taking a large bowl of the thick broth , he settled on the sofa next to Amis and took a sip . It had a salty , miso - like taste , and various items he couldn 't identify easily floating in it . Still it was warm and soothing , just about what the doctor ordered . Amis gave Mike a critical once - over while the chief eagerly downed the soup and listened with partial interest to the evening news summary . " So what 's up ? " Amis asked . " Looks like you had a bad day . " " Bad day ? The mother of all bad days is more like it . " After finishing his soup , he went through , for the second time that evening , the ugly details of the day . " I 'm tellin ' you , I 've seen some weird stuff go down on this station before , but this business was just about the prize winner of ' em all . " Amis shook his head and smiled with some obvious amusement at what Michael had described . " You should 've asked me about that place before you went stompin ' off to investigate on your own . Down Below , there were rumors about a group like that bein ' on the station , gettin ' a Zarg smuggled on board and hidin ' out somewhere ' secure ' . And trust me , there are even weirder things going on in the nooks and crannies of this station that would probably make what 's left of your hair fall out if I ever told you about ' em . " " Gee thanks , that 's just what I needed to hear right now , " he muttered , not wanting to think about that prospect at the moment even though he was sure Amis was right . With a friendly nudge of the elbow , he added , " And don 't be giving me a hard time about my hair . You try keeping this station from going to the dogs for a few years and see what happens to your stress levels . " He stood up to put away the dishes in the kitchen . " So now that I 've ranted about my day , what about you ? Anything exciting and interesting happen in customs today ? " " I wish . No wonder that 's usually a short - rotation job , I 'm goin ' nuts bein ' stuck there . You know , I 'm feeling perfectly fine , why can 't I - - " " Doctor 's orders , my friend . You remember what she said : limited duties and no unnecessary physical exertion until she says you 're ready for it . It 's only two days ' til your re - exam . And considering you got yourself messed up thanks to me , I 'm not gonna be the one responsible for you getting messed up again because you didn 't give yourself enough time to recuperate . " Mike returned to the sofa and sat down , his expression turning serious for a moment as he remembered the still - recent events . It was true , he had spent just about every free minute he 'd had visiting Amis in recovery after the drug bust gone bad in Down Below that had nearly cost Amis his life . It had been a rough turn of events right after what had just felt like the first good turn of events to come Garibaldi 's way in a while - - an increased , if casual , intimacy between the two of them . Only days after he 'd listened to and somewhat grudgingly agreed with Amis ' stressing their need not to become too close , he 'd found himself suddenly visiting Amis in MedLab and thanking all the gods he usually ignored for not taking one of the few still - important people in his life away from him . " Something wrong ? " Amis asked , pulling Mike out of his remembrances . " So ? Anyone else would take a day off after what happened . When was the last time you took any sort of vacation ? Even only for a day or two . " " . . . And not get any decent rest ' cause you 'll be worrying about work all day , " Amis argued . " How about instead I show you some of those . . . more ' interesting ' places around the station I mentioned . . . No Zargs , no crazy cults , nothin ' like that , I promise . You said yourself , I should be takin ' it easy a few more days , so we 'll both call in sick . " There was a slight spark of enthusiasm in Amis ' bright brown eyes at his own suggestion , even a faint hint of affection letting itself show through that was quickly winning Mike over to the idea more than anything else . " Okay , you 're on . Tomorrow I 'll take The Lurker 's Grand Tour of Babylon 5 , and find out what a space bum like you knows about this station that I don 't . " Michael held Amis ' gaze , not wanting to see the self - protective wall close over those eyes too quickly , the one he was used to seeing ninety - nine percent of the time . It didn 't , and instead Amis leaned in to give Mike a quick kiss . " You want to stay over and start your vacation tonight ? " he asked . The early morning hours brought a cascade of unsettling images to Michael 's dreams . There was only one common element to them : Shadows . He saw them everywhere he turned . . . He jerked awake , blinking in disorientation and trying to calm the pounding of his heart in his chest . His movement caused the man lying against his side to stir , mumbling something too soft for Mike to understand in his confused state . Bad dream , nothing to get so upset about , he told himself , wiping sweat from his forehead . Had enough of those before . It had probably been brought on by all the stress of the day , and sleeping in unfamiliar surroundings . His body was damp and growing chilly in the cool air - - a little cooler than he usually kept his own quarters . He pulled the covers up higher and wrapped himself around Amis ' warm body , finding comfort in the long - forgotten luxury of sleeping with someone else . Thanks to the dream , however , Michael 's thoughts were still trapped back on Mars . And other dark places and times , things he tried his best to forget most of the time . Io . . . Frank Kemmer and his family . " You 're a marked man , Garibaldi . . . Watch your back . . . No one else can . You 're alone on this one . " Lives destroyed when all he had meant to do was help . The dark pit of alcoholism that had almost destroyed his life , until he had met Jeffrey Sinclair . That mission that had nearly cost them both their lives . . . stumbling through the dust and the alcohol - induced haze , trying to find Sinclair before his air ran out . . . not another life on his conscience , he couldn 't let that happen . . . Amis stirred against him , murmuring again ; Michael could feel his body twitching , growing tense against him . Looked as if Mike wasn 't the only one having bad dreams that night . His murmurings grew louder , more distinct . . . Mike froze when he could make out the words . . . Suddenly Amis jerked awake , his eyes flashing open . His expression was of pure horror . As Michael leaned closer and Amis saw him , Amis gasped and tried to back away , still screaming , " No ! No ! " Garibaldi backed off , trying to give Amis space until he came down from whatever he was seeing in his mind still . " Easy , easy ! It 's just me , Mike . It 's okay . . . " It took a moment for the words to sink in , but then Amis seemed to get his bearings , his shoulders slumping down slightly as he relaxed . He let out a long sigh and rubbed his face with his hands , running his fingers through his tousled brown hair . " Ugh . Sorry . Bad dream , I guess , " he rasped , his voice sounding even rougher and more gravelly than usual . " That wasn 't just a regular bad dream , " Mike answered . Amis looked at him . " I heard what you were saying in your sleep . What were you seeing ? " " I need to know . Somehow you were seeing things . . . things that happened to me . You were talking about a shuttle pad , and a bomb , and I 'd just been thinking about how my friend Frank had been killed on Io because of a bomb meant for me . C ' mon , talk to me . . . " He paused before asking , " You 're not a rogue teep , are you , Amis ? " Amis shook his head resolutely . " No . Hell no , Mike . Must 've been a fluke . I mean , I guess I could be latent or something . " " Yeah , I guess it started after . . . after we got rid of that thing , last year , every so often . . . sometimes when I 'm close to someone , I 'll just get a flash of something . I guess somethin ' from their mind . It 's usually too quick for me to really figure it out , and then it 's gone . " " I guess it could be some sort of latent telepathy , " Mike said , through he didn 't really know . Advanced abilities of the mind wasn 't exactly a subject he had studied too well before - - except wrapped in the package of a particular beautiful , cool blonde named Talia Winters . " Maybe that creature triggered something , since it did have a psychic connection with you on some level . Maybe when you see the doctor next time you should - - " " Let it go , Mike . It 's not important , " Amis insisted . " I 've had weird things goin ' on in my head a long time . I 'm used to it . I can handle it . " " But it could be important . If you don 't want to talk to the doctor , what about Lyta Alexander ? She could scan you and maybe figure out - - " " No ! No , just drop it for now , all right ? " Amis snapped , laying back down and rolling away from Michael . The discussion , apparently , was closed . There was one thing that had worried Michael ever since they had - - as far as they could tell - - destroyed the shadow creature from the Copernicus . The creature had been responsible for Amis ' mental torment for so many years , when no one would believe what he told them had happened . Amis had said that part of himself had been trapped inside the creature because of its feeding on him , leading to the psychic connection between them when the creature ended up on Babylon 5 . When the creature was killed , Amis had said he felt that connection was gone , severed . . . . . . But what if the creature had left a similar fragment of itself inside Amis , years before ? Or even only when they had encountered each other again on the station ? Could that be the reason for these strange psychic talents suddenly appearing ? What if that fragment or the creature was still alive , but somehow dormant , inside him still ? Well , Michael reasoned , he was going to have to work on Amis a while before getting much further on investigating this . He hoped that it wasn 't important . With a sigh , he finally let himself drift off back asleep . He was supposed to be on holiday from worrying for the next 24 hours , after all . Morning came with a later alarm than Mike was used to , and he felt slightly groggy from oversleeping . The feeling dissipated when he smelled the strong aroma of coffee , even if it was just artificial brew , coming from the kitchen . " Mmm . . . " He stretched and sat up , seeing that Amis was already wide awake and busy getting breakfast ready . " This is the life - - nothing like sleeping late and getting room service . " " I can 't believe we 're down here , " Michael said , coughing at the dirt and dust that filled the stale , heavy air . " This is just about the worst place on the station - - hell , probably one of the worst places in the entire galaxy . " The corridor was dark , deserted . . . though Mike felt sure there were eyes following their progress from somewhere back in the shadows . He didn 't like it . Not even Security bothered patrolling around here . " Take it easy , we 're almost there , " Amis reassured him , leading the way towards their first stop on his " tour " . " Now , if I remember correctly , the place we want is . . . right here ! " Amis stopped and knocked triumphantly against a sealed access door . Moments later , it slid open . Michael peered inside , and saw only more of the same - - dirt , dust , and gloomy shadows . He looked back to Amis , who was leaning against the wall and looking at him expectantly . He looked particularly scruffy in his " Down Below " clothes , though the fedora he 'd borrowed from Mike was actually a good look for him , Garibaldi decided . " So ? " Mike asked . " Actually , Ambassador Kosh was the first one I saw down here . After he rolled away I decided to check it out myself . Come on , let 's go . " " All right , all right . " Shaking his head , Michael stepped inside , finding it necessary to stoop down to continue as the ceiling was so low . The heavier gravity of Down Below weighed on him , making him feel even more uncomfortable . He turned back to see Amis following him , and indicating they should keep going . It was tricky footing , and he found it necessary to lean against the large objects draped in dusty dark red sheets that were everywhere . He thought he saw something . . . was it someone ? . . . up ahead , and he figured that was who or what they were there to see . He pressed onward , until he was in front of the sitting figure . He could see nothing of the individual 's face under the large hooded robe he wore . By that point , Amis was next to him and had taken a sitting position . He yanked at Mike to do the same . The figure before them did not move . Great , and I don 't even know what I 'm paying for . Michael dug through his pockets , trying to check if he even had anything on him to give . Amis got impatient and finally said , " Forget it , here , I 've got it , " and clanged some coins into the bowl . Though it was only a small amount , it seemed it was sufficient , as the bowl was pulled away . The sudden movement around him nearly caused Michael to jump , but the objects on the floor that were moving turned out to be more individuals like the one sitting before them . They lifted their hooded heads and began to sing . The words meant nothing to Michael , but he recognized it as an ancient religious chant of some kind . The eerie music transported him back to his childhood , his grandmother dragging him in to Mass on a chilly Boston Sunday morning in the middle of winter . Echoing all around them , the beautiful sound reverberated through him as surprise just faded into wonder and enjoyment . At some point later , he realized that the singing had stopped . He blinked his eyes to clear his head , wondering just how long he 'd been sitting there , completely zoning out to the music . He turned to look at Amis , who was watching him with a bemused smile , obviously pleased by Mike 's reaction . He really wished he 'd brought something with him now to leave these people , whomever they were . They deserved more payment than they 'd been able to offer , much more . But the figures had all returned to their resting positions in the darkness . The solitary figure in front of them did not offer the bowl for a second donation . Not knowing exactly what to say , Michael just stammered a " Thank you , " and " I 'll . . . have to come back some time , " before looking back at Amis , who nodded that it was , in fact , time to leave . As he stood up and started to turn towards the door , he heard the head figure say something . He turned back around , not having understood the words - - and saw the figure had reached out to grasp Amis ' arm before he could get up to leave . " Freedom awaits you . . . on the eve of the final darkness , " he repeated , his voice clearer and startling now in the chamber . Amis ' eyes were wide , transfixed upon the strange man . Michael , still feeling rather disoriented by the entire experience , did not know if he should interfere with what was happening . But then the ancient hand slipped away from Amis ' arm and Amis stood , looking somewhat shaken but avoiding Michael 's questioning stare until they were back outside . " The eve of the final darkness " ? What exactly did that mean ? Not exactly a cheery prophecy , no matter what the question , Michael thought . " Okay . But who are those guys ? How long have they been there ? Why are they there ? ! " " Hmm . Well , so long as they keep their enlightenment Zarg - free , I guess there 's no harm in that . We ready to move on ? " Michael , indeed , had never heard of the chicken that predicted the future by pecking at Tarot cards ( until now ) . Nor had he visited the Spoo - That - Looked - Like - Jesus , nor many of the other highly unusual sights and people they came across that day . Some were just amusingly bizarre , but others were breath - taking . There was , for instance , the beautiful iridescent blooms of the Xardru flowering vines - - native to Centauri Prime , somehow a large garden of the plants had established itself in a faulty water recyc tunnel . Many other forgotten places had been turned into special places of refuge and entertainment - - not just the usual dens of iniquity that Michael was used to noticing whenever he was forced to travel through Down Below . The station was only so big ; it surprised him that there would be so many things here that after so many years he had somehow never discovered . Yet he supposed much of that had to do with the fact that his visits to Down Below usually were spent searching for specific scumbags and thieves - - not chanting monks and misplaced flower gardens . Lunch , it turned out , was going to be real " local " fare as well . " This is the best undiscovered place you can show me ? " Garibaldi asked as they approached the busy lunch counter off one of the busier market - areas . They had to push their way past a gaggle of prostitutes and other assorted lowlifes to get up to the counter , where an overweight , middle - aged woman hollered at them for their order . Amis ignored Garibaldi 's protests and indicated two unidentifiable items in the woman 's cooler . She threw them over her " grill " for a few minutes , then wrapped the steaming meat and a gooey sauce in some flatbread . Amis gave one to Garibaldi and said , " You don 't want to know what it is , but trust me , it 's good . " Garibaldi sniffed his cautiously while Amis dived in with a hearty bite . The smell was not unpleasant , only heavily spiced and unfamiliar . " Just answer me this : one , is it toxic ; two , is it legal ; and three , will I end up hallucinating that I 'm Chiquita Banana after I eat it ? " Garibaldi shook his head and wondered why they couldn 't have just gotten Thai if they had to eat exotic . Finally he dared take a bite , chewing the somewhat stringy meat slowly , cautiously . Against his better judgment , he swallowed . Then he had to pause as he discovered it didn 't taste half bad after all . " The lock 's been off - line as long as anyone can remember . No one ever runs computer - checks on the systems ' round here , or if someone knows about it , they didn 't think it was worth the time to repair it . " Amis stepped inside , and tossed a helmet over to Michael . " Suit up , it 's a great view out there . " Ten minutes later , the air lock opened , and they stepped out onto the catwalk railing that snaked around the hull . Michael had to take a moment to get his bearings : it was one thing being out in space in the relative security of a Starfury , where somehow vertigo was not as much of a problem . Here , all he could see was the emptiness of space beneath his feet , through the grate of the catwalk , and the looming presence of Epsilon 3 in front of him . Amis was walking gingerly along the catwalk , then he stopped about ten feet down the walk , turned back towards Michael , and waved him along . " Come on , you 're not afraid of heights , are you ? " his voice came through their suits ' speakers . Not about to fall victim to his squeamishness , Michael walked the path slowly , eyes staying on the grate as he took one solid step after another , the boots holding him anchored to the station . He stopped a foot or so away from Amis , who was grinning and looking like an overgrown teenager proud of just leaving a stinkbomb in the principal 's office . " Helluva sight , isn 't it ? " Michael finally dared to look out at the view , holding onto the railing in front of him . The hull was rotating slowly , making all sense of direction - - up , down , near , far - - lose relevance . A Starfury peeled around in front of them , followed by four others , going through some sort of training maneuvers . A small block jutted out from the hull behind them , and Amis leaned up against it . " Whenever I 'd start feelin ' really out of it , once I found out about this spot I used to come here all the time . The silence . . . it 's the only place where you could go and find real silence around here . . . even the voices in my head , the dreams . . . they just seemed to fade away . " " All the time , " he answered simply . " Never had the nerve to do it in the end , though , even though it seemed . . . so easy . . . " Letting the line of conversation drop , Amis remarked , " Let 's sit for a complete rotation . See the full view . " So they did . With all the ships from the different worlds now in orbit around the station , it was an amazing sight . Most impressive of all was a Minbari warcuiser , circling around them like a giant , menacing blue - gray angelfish . They might be allies now , but the sight still sent a shiver down Michael 's spine from this view . Anyone who had gone through the war no doubt had a similar reaction . It was going to take time , still , for the wounds to heal among those who had witnessed the war first - hand . That evening , feeling pleasantly tired from all their walking around , they decided to stick with a take - out pizza back in Mike 's quarters , and a few of those cartoon vids Mike hadn 't watched in ages . All in all , it had been an entertaining day . It reminded Michael of just how large the station was , how many different people were here . . . He always was used to just looking after the troublemakers , focusing on the bad stuff , so it was nice to be able to take a breather and enjoy things around here for a while , especially in the most unexpected places . Amis thought it over very briefly before leaning in for another kiss as his answer . This one was warm , inviting . . . the type that promised an evening of intimate pleasure lay ahead . Michael 's hands grasped at the lean body pressed against him , loving the feeling , the excitement of knowing what was awaiting his fingertips beneath the rough fabric . . . curves that were already becoming familiar to him . He felt Amis ' hands on his own body , caressing with similar intentions obviously in mind , and sighed . This isn 't supposed to get serious , Michael tried to remind himself , but that was hard to keep in mind at a time like now , when all he wanted was to get lost in the pleasurable sensations and satisfaction he knew this man could deliver to him . The sensual warmth of his mouth , the rough touch of his fingers ; the intensity that he infused their lovemaking with . . . Michael was finding he could easily become addicted - - or at least , seriously accustomed to - - spending much of his free time like this . . . with this person . It somehow just felt natural , their being together . " Mmm . . . got an idea . . . " Amis murmured , kissing Michael teasingly on his neck , then pulling himself up off the sofa before they could become too wrapped up together . " How about sharing one of those real water showers of yours ? " " You 're just full of good ideas today , aren 't you ? Come on . " Michael got up , shedding his own clothes haphazardly as they proceeded into the bathroom . The shower stall was a very cozy fit for two , but that simply made it all the more interesting as they both finished undressing and then stepped inside . The warm water felt delicious streaming over him after the long day hiking all around , mucking about in the grimier corners of Down Below . Amis ' strong arms around his waist , holding their bodies close together , felt even better . Slick , soapy hands thoroughly worked over his torso , massaging away the tension in his shoulders ( though quickly increasing the tension in another part of his anatomy ) . Michael just closed his eyes and lost himself in the wonderful attention he was being granted . After a while , those hands moved lower , down to gently circle his thighs , in and around , then up slightly to massage his balls . Amis ' hard cock was pressed up against him from behind , rubbing against his thighs , obviously eager to find release . Michael could barely stand it anymore when finally one of the hands moved up around his own stiff erection , gliding around it and stroking him expertly . He grasped the walls of the stall for support until the blinding release came , leaving him gasping for breath , thoroughly spent . Turning around , he pulled Amis to him for more kisses , his mouth tracing down the other man 's neck as best as he could standing up . Damn , one of the disadvantages of being so fraggin ' tall - - this ain 't so easy ! He lathered up his own hands and took his time , wanting to make sure he did as thorough a job on Amis ' body as he 'd just had done to his own . It felt as if he hadn 't indulged in this much fun , simple physical pleasure , in ages . He was just starting to get to that part of Amis ' anatomy that was demanding his undivided attention when the hot water decided to give out . " Yow ! " Mike cried , a sudden stream of cold water shooting down his back . " Lousy fragging conservation settings ! " Snuggling down though still slightly damp , Michael ran his hand along Amis ' side , growing desirous again as he saw the fire of need burning in the other man 's deep brown eyes . " Now , where was I . . . " Michael teased , " I think right about . . . here . . . " Michael 's hand sliding down around Amis ' cock soon brought it back up to full , hard attention . He let his hand work it a while longer while his mouth teased a very sensitive stiff nipple . With each flick of his tongue or playful bite , Amis groaned and dug his fingers harder into Mike 's back , urging him to move downward . When the pressure grew so painful he feared he 'd end up with black and blue marks if he didn 't give Amis release , he finally shifted his body lower so his mouth could caress the other man 's cock . The erection filled his mouth as he sucked it down greedily , his eyes focused on enjoying Amis ' responses to his actions . Growing playful again , he stopped sucking and instead let his tongue swirl around the sensitive tip , then up and down the shaft repeatedly . He drew out the other man 's state of anticipation until he gasped , " Oh man , quit fuckin ' around and finish it . . . can 't take it anymore . . . " Michael obliged him , and it didn 't take long before he was rewarded for his actions with an explosive , warm burst in his mouth which he savored in satisfaction , along with the exhausted but definitely contented expression on his friend 's face . " Yeah , well , you 're the one who makes me so damn horny , " Michael answered , rubbing a slick lubricant over his cock and then straddling his companion . He gently pressed his way inside , and let out a long moan as the sensation overwhelmed him . He never wanted to leave that tight , inviting place , where each small thrust rewarded him with waves of intense pleasure . But soon the thrusts grew deeper , harder with his aching need . Despite his intentions to want it to last , soon he was trembling and crying out incoherently as the orgasm flooded his senses and made everything else fade away into nothingness for a blinding instant . Lying there together , Michael started thinking again about how natural this felt . His hand traced along the healing ridge of scar tissue on Amis ' back , from the shooting only days before . He flashed back for a moment to that time , not quite two years past , when his second - in - command had betrayed him and shot him in the back . Everything in life was so fleeting . . . could be over in the blink of an eye . In some ways he felt as if he still barely knew the man lying next to him . Amis seemed good at drawing out Michael 's secrets , but never seemed keen on talking much about himself . Maybe it was time Michael tried to get out a few answers . Amis shook his head . " Grew up bouncing from one hell - hole mining colony to another - - me , Mom , my brother Ian . . . Dad , ' til he died in an accident . But there wasn 't anywhere in particular that was home . The colonies were all miserable places . Ian and I both got out as soon as we were legal age to recruit . During the war , the Minari hit the mining post Mom and her new family had been workin ' . No one got outta there alive . " " Sorry . " As terrible as it was , it wasn 't an uncommon story for any human of their age . Most people had lost some , if not all , of their family during those two years of the war , as difficult in retrospect as it was sometimes to believe how close the human race had come to extinction . And those who worked the mining colonies already had lower life expectancies than most , due to hazards both natural and mechanical in nature . " Ian , he was lucky , " Amis continued . " He was injured in a ground fight but managed to survive , was back on Earth in recovery ' til after the Line . Wasn 't no good for service no more so he got a regular job on Earth . I stayed with him , between trips to the psych wards , least ' til he got married . But his wife wasn 't too happy ' bout putting up the crazy brother , havin ' me around the house all the time . Haven 't heard from him since I took off and ended up on B5 , lookin ' for work with the construction crews before this place went operational . . . somehow I just never left after that . . . . What about you ? " Michael shrugged . " I burned most of my bridges long ago . Been pretty much on my own for a long time now too , I guess . Some family back home , but after my grandmother passed away , then my pop . . . they were the only ones still alive that I was close to - - that weren 't sick of putting up with me or picking up the pieces whenever I screwed up . And friends . . . ? Never been good at makin ' ' em , and even worse at keepin ' ' em for very long . So Babylon 5 seems like a good enough place for me , at least for now . " Michael returned to his office the next morning , right on time and for the first time in weeks even feeling eager to get to work . He had to agree , it was amazing what one day 's " vacation " could do to put life a little bit back in control . He entered to find Zack already there , in the middle of a discussion with someone else on his link . Zack glanced up and looked a tad embarrassed about being in the chief 's chair , so he jumped up immediately and said to the other party , " Just take care of it , all right ? Look , I gotta go . " Then he said to Michael , " Hey , good to see you back , Chief . Wasn 't sure if you were coming in today or not so I got in early to finish up some business from yesterday . " Zack gave Michael a quick briefing on the events of the previous day and then left . Michael sat down at his desk to figure out a few changes to the regular day - shift assignments . He called in one of his more trusted officers , Carlos Cruise , who had been on Babylon 5 almost as long as he had . " Morning , Chief , what 's up ? " the stocky man asked when he entered the office several minutes later . " Cruise , I know it 's a bit of a drag , but I 'm gonna put you on general patrol for this next week with Amis , if he checks out clear from MedLab today . He 's been on limited duty since the incident with Nefron , and he 's itching to get back to regular assignments . But I want someone backing him up who can keep an extra eye on him - - make sure he 's not trying to do more than he 's really up for yet , you know what I 'm saying ? " " Sure , sure , Chief , no problem . It 's been gettin ' a little aggravating dealing with the refugee situation , so I could use a little change of pace for a few days . Bustin ' up a bar fight or two , might not be too bad instead . " He grinned and Mike smiled back in perfect understanding . " Later , " Garibaldi dismissed him , wondering if he wasn 't worrying too much . But he couldn 't get rid of the hunch that something more was going on than Amis was letting on . For his own peace of mind - - and knowing that Amis would throw a fit if he tried to keep too close tags on him himself - - Mike decided this was the best solution for now . And he really hoped that his concerns would all be proved to be for nothing . She smiled , poking a fork into the unidentifiable mound on her plate that was theoretically chicken parmigian . " I heard about that from the captain not long after your little tirade in his office , actually . Sounds like a story for the record books all right . " She swallowed some of the food and made an appropriate face . " I also hear there 's a new man in your life , " she bluntly stated , getting back to hacking away at the rubbery chicken . " I woke up with a killer migraine this morning so I stopped by MedLab . Ran into your friend Amis there getting checked out by Doctor Hobbs , and she was teasing him about where ' Nurse Garibaldi ' was . Naturally , I pressed for all the dirty details . " She gave him a naughty grin . " Don 't get all haughty on me , Michael , I 'm happy for you . I know . . . I know it was hard when Jeff got reassigned , and then . . . Well , we all felt like we were losing a good friend , but I know it was worse for you . And of course , both of us struck out big time with Talia . . . " " Ah , I don 't know about that . We haven 't . . . He 's a good friend . Anything else . . . it just doesn 't seem right to think about it just now . We 're both still workin ' through our own separate problems . " Susan nodded in understanding . " Sounds like the prudent thing to do - - if you can get your heart to listen to your mind . I tried to tell myself that about a relationship a while ago , that we were only friends . . . but when things didn 't work out , suddenly I realized there was so much more there on my part , and I 'd never even had the chance to say anything about it . " Susan bit her lip as if she 'd just revealed something she hadn 't intended to , and then nodded . " Some other time , maybe I 'll tell you about it . Still burns a bit . " Just then her link beeped . " Damn , I 'm due for a meeting , I almost forgot . " She looked down at her barely touched lunch . " You want . . . ? " she started to offer Michael , but he shook his head . " Smart man . I 'll talk to you later . " Garibaldi watched her leave , thinking back on the past few years of their acquaintance . When she 'd first arrived , it had taken a while but eventually she 'd warmed up to him . He 'd made one or two passes her way , quickly got shot down into a smoldering pile of rubble , and forgot about it - - and then everything went fine . Somehow , since Sheridan had arrived , they 'd drifted into other circles ; she and the captain were good friends from long back , that was just they way things went . Still , he rather missed more chances to talk as they had even for a few minutes today . Maybe things would change after the business of the war straightened itself out . Life seemed to return , as much as possible , to " normal " for the next few days . Station business kept Michael busy , though he managed to make time one night to cook dinner for Amis and himself and get in a little " quality " relaxation time . All in all , he was almost beginning to agree with Amis that he was just over - reacting about things . But of course , he should have known that as soon as he started thinking along those lines , he was just asking for the avalanche to begin . " Well , I don 't know if I 'm making too much of it , but . . . a couple times he seemed to totally zone out on me . We 'd be in the middle of a conversation , just walkin ' around , or even in the middle of questioning someone , and he 'd just get this weird look on his face and get totally unresponsive . . . like he was a million miles away or somethin ' . Only for a few seconds maybe , but it was . . . weird . When I 'd ask him about it he just shrugged it off , said it was just the painkillers he was still on , makin ' him a little out of it . " " Once , maybe two days ago , but then twice today . Thought I 'd ask you about it , I mean . . . " Cruise gave a shrug , then continued , " Look , I know the guy 's a vet - - my older sister is too , and sometimes she 'd sort of space - out on us at home , have these flashbacks out of nowhere . . . " Man , how I wish that was all there was to it , Garibaldi sighed to himself . " Maybe that 's all it is , or the medication , but I 'm gonna look into it , " Garibaldi said to Cruise . " Thanks , Carlos , and . . . keep this conversation between us , okay ? " " Hey , sure thing , Chief . Have a good one . " Cruise left , and Mike suddenly felt that confidence and sense of control fading away . He had another hour or so before he would be able to call it a night . . . an hour in which he would have to figure out what he was going to do with Amis . He 'd gone over the situation about a hundred times in his head before he found himself outside Amis ' quarters . He rang the buzzer , and shortly therafter the door opened . Mike stepped inside to find Amis sprawled out on the couch , looking half asleep . The lights were down and the vid was playing at low volume . " Tough day ? " Mike asked , sitting down next to him . " That 's not exactly what I heard . " Mike paused , debating one last time whether to just let it go or not . His conscience wouldn 't let him . " I had a little visit from Cruise this afternoon . You 've had a couple more of those telepathic flashes . " Amis held his angry glare for a moment , then closed his eyes and sighed . " Fine . It 's been once . . . maybe twice a day , the past week or so . Today I had three . " " So they 're getting more frequent , aren 't they ? You said before it was only something that happened ' every now and then ' . Unless you were lying to me then , too . " The expression on Amis ' face confirmed that Mike wasn 't wrong . He looked scared . " I guess it was one thing when I just had to relive my own nightmares all the time . I don 't need other people 's nightmares in my head as well . It is startin ' to get to me . Just didn 't want to think about it . Didn 't want to talk about it . . . " " Don 't make promises , Mike , " he answered , looking up with haunted eyes . Ten minutes later , they were outside Lyta 's quarters . Mike buzzed her and called inside , " Lyta ? It 's Mike Garibaldi , and a friend . Can we talk to you for a minute ? " While they waited , Mike turned to Amis . His unease was radiating so strongly Mike had no need for telepathy to feel it . With a gentle squeeze of his shoulder , Mike said , " Take it easy . If she can figure this business out , don 't you want to know what 's happening ? " Miss Alexander looked as if she 'd just been awakened from sleep - - perhaps her own nightmares , given the weariness of her expression . Her red hair hung loose and somewhat disarrayed , and she was dressed in simple blue pajamas . Dark circles lay beneath her too - large , dark eyes , but she attempted a smile to greet them . " I 'm sorry if we dragged you out of bed . If this is a bad time - - " Mike started apologizing , but Lyta waved his concerns off . " It 's all right , Mr . Garibaldi . I 'm used to Ambassador Kosh calling me off whenever he feels like it , so frankly at the moment I 'm just glad it 's you and not him . " Michael understood , being one of the few people on the station who knew , along with Lyta , that " Kosh " was no longer the same Vorlon to whom Lyta had originally served as aide . The new Vorlon Ambassador gave just about everyone the creeps ; " Kosh I " had been perplexing enough at times , but " Kosh II " seemed an entirely more threatening entity all - together . Only Lyta , perhaps , knew the true motives of the replacement Ambassador , though she of course kept such information to herself . Nevertheless , the strain on her was apparent . Michael sighed . " Maybe . More like I 'm hoping you can just find out what the problem exactly is . This is a good friend of mine , Amis Greer , " Michael introduced . Amis and Garibaldi both took seats across from Lyta in two neighboring chairs , while Lyta settled on her small sofa and looked at them expectantly . Michael debated , and decided not to mention the details of Amis ' past problem with the shadow creature . There was no need to necessarily connect the two events - - unless Lyta found the connection herself . " Amis seems to be developing some strange . . . telepathic abilities all of a sudden . " " Strange . . . ? " Lyta prompted , and looked towards Amis . He didn 't look like he was too eager to elaborate . Nothing concrete could be found in the surface thoughts the telepath could receive without deep scanning - - nothing but strong unease and fear . . . fear of something in the past . . . Garibaldi turned to Amis as well , watching the former lurker until Amis decided he wasn 't going to get out of speaking . He started hesitantly . " I . . . sometimes , close contact with . . . another person . . . seems to open up their thoughts to me . Usually not just any thoughts , but memories . . . bad ones . . . I start seeing . . . flashes . . . it just comes intermittently . That 's all . I don 't have any control over it , and it 's starting to happen more frequently . " " . . . And you want me to scan you , to try to find the cause of this ? Hmmm . . . " She thought for a moment , before commenting , " Sometimes - - rarely - - it has happened that an accident or an illness has triggered a person 's latent telepathy . It can be very disconcerting , especially if it happens later in life . Tell me , was there anything that happened to you recently that might have triggered this ? " Lyta prompted . Lyta looked back and forth between them . " But you 're not going to tell me . " Garibaldi shrugged . " You realize , it 's harder to do a scan if I don 't know precisely what I 'm looking for . " " It 's okay , I 'll do it . I am the resident telepathic troubleshooter around here , right ? I can try now , if I have your permission , Amis , " she asked . She could see the man really didn 't want to do this - - he was definitely afraid of something - - but he nodded in reluctant agreement . " Okay . I 'll give it a shot . Just try to relax , and I 'll try to focus in on these ' telepathic flashes ' as you call them . I 'm not going to poke around all your secrets . Hopefully I won 't have to do too deep of a scan , otherwise you shouldn 't feel anything , " she tried to reassure him . Amis nodded in understanding . Lyta closed her eyes for a moment to clear her thoughts , and also to steel herself against any difficulties that she might encounter . Jumping " feet - first " into another person 's mind was not generally a very pleasant experience - - it was much easier when she only had to surface scan someone to monitor a business meeting or something equally mundane . Still , she could do it , and would do it now as a favor to a friend . She began lowering her own blocks gradually , allowing herself to reach out to the mind behind the dark eyes locked on her own . . . Cruise shook his head as the two continued to try to fight it out . " These two are gonna go right back at it if we don 't get ' em in isolation for a while . Let 's cuff ' em and dump ' em . " . . . she was watching a group of Centauri soldiers brutally assault and kill her mother - - No , his mother , not mine . These are his thoughts , not mine not mine , she reminded herself , not even Amis ' but the Narn 's . It was a struggle to remain centered in her own identity while reliving the confusing memories in Amis ' head , the tangled web of thoughts . . . . . . then she was assaulted by another violent flash of images , memories . . . Garibaldi 's ? It was so easy to become lost in here . . . Lise , Jeffrey , Amis - - the blast of a PPG hurled her forward , fear of death . . . my death . . . ? No , there is a body in my arms , God , no , not Amis . . . Where was she ? . . . Then Mars , looking down upon a Shadow vessel , hearing the cry of the trapped ship and the shiver of fear it invoked . . . She pulled out quickly , the swirling , confusing images too much for her to process . She had not expected something this severe . This was far from the typical mental " chatter " an untrained telepath heard until they developed blocks . This was beyond the surface images and flashes a stronger telepath would similarly sense on physical contact with another unless they had all their defenses down , and were specifically looking for certain memories , scanning as she was now . But Amis was receiving these flashes without conscious probing , and afterwards could barely remember what had happened . She could certainly understand his fear and Michael 's concern . " It 's not a normal manifestation of psi talents , that 's for certain . . . " she said , using her own voice not just to explain what she was seeing to Garibaldi and Amis , but to help keep herself anchored in her own identity . Amis ' mind as she was experiencing it was so chaotic she felt the need to proceed cautiously . " I 'm going to have to scan deeper . . . try to find the possible cause for this . . . " " Something 's blocking me , all of a sudden ! I can 't . . . " She narrowed her eyes in concentration , knowing something was very wrong . An untrained telepath should not have blocks like this . She had to push harder . If she were still only a P - 5 , she wouldn 't be able to do it , as the blocks were too strong . But Vorlon training - - and advanced science - - had heightened her abilities to an extent no one outside of that alien race could imagine . I 'm sorry if this hurts , Amis , she thought to him , as she tore through the blocks with all of her advanced abilities . And suddenly a chill unlike any she 'd ever felt before fell upon her as she found herself in an incredibly dark , awful place . She gasped , startling Michael . " The darkness . . . it 's . . . so cold in here . . . there 's . . . . another presence , in your mind . . . ! " Her voice was strained , though she spoke barely above a whisper , as if afraid to awaken a sleeping monster . Michael held his breath as she revealed exactly what he had been fearing . " Something hiding . . . lurking . . . in pain . . . wounded , separated before from the whole , but now . . . " Her eyes , wide with sudden terror , clouded over darkly and her voice changed in tenor . " Seeds planted for return , revenge . Healing - time almost complete . . . When time comes I will be strong again , waiting . Ready . Fear and terror sustain me . Nurture me , for now . Your presence here disturbs . Go . . . Your thoughts - - it knows me , it knows I 'm here ! - - I will take your terror . . . " Lyta felt the dark tendrils of the presence reach out for her , faster than she could attempt to pull away or run from them . She was frozen , unable to even scream or retract as it reached into her own mind and scavenged brutally for what it wanted , flashing her worst memories through her mind . She tried to block it but it fought back , revealing itself in its full horrific form to her in her mind . . . revealing its nature , its allegiance . . . Servant of darkness , Soldier of the Shadows . One goal , one aim - - destruction , chaos , pain . Garibaldi watched , unable to understand what was going on mentally between the other two . They were not moving , not even blinking . Lyta had stopped speaking , but now the dark glaze over her eyes faded and was replaced by a growing , glowing fire . Man , what the hell did the Vorlons do to her ? Michael wondered . " The darkness must be eliminated . " She now spoke in a commanding voice that seemed almost like Kosh 's . The strange glow in her eyes intensified . Acting on instinct , Garibaldi didn 't pause to think . He dove at Amis , knocking the two of them to the ground just as he heard a strange thrum of energy crackle through the room . When he got up from the ground , the chair Amis had been sitting in was reduced to a smoking pile of dust . The two shocked men looked at each other and then to Lyta , who seemed to be released from her trance and was trembling violently in shock . " I didn 't - - I don 't know . . . something took control of me . . . I can 't explain , but . . . Amis , you have to stay away from Kosh , " she warned , unable to look at him , for fear that the connection would be re - established . " I . . . I don 't know how I 'm going to be able to keep what happened from him , the next time he reads me . There 's . . . something inside you . . . something from the Shadows . . . " Lyta continued , her large eyes wide as she forced herself to retell what she had seen and felt . " It 's growing stronger , whatever it is . . . you tried to kill it before , apparently , but it still left a fragment in you . . . enough to try to rebuild itself . It feeds off terror and pain vicariously for now , and it 's feeding off other people 's memories and fears through you . That 's why you 're having those strange flashes , and why they 're growing more frequent . It 's getting stronger , and it wants and needs more . . . it needs more so it can break free , become again , what it once was . . . " she shivered just thinking about it . Lyta shook her head . " I . . . I don 't know . It 's hard to know . . . an alien mind , it 's difficult to understand clearly , but . . . Look , please . . . " she stood up and turned away from them . " I know this must be a lot to take , but I 'm afraid you 'd both better leave . I have to figure out a way to keep this knowledge from Ambassador Kosh . The Vorlons . . . have a none - too - subtle way of dealing with anything tainted by the Shadows , especially now . You can see . . . I think they 've programmed certain instructions into me , that were triggered when this thing tried to touch my mind . It 's too dangerous for you to stay here - - I 'm frankly not sure what might happen next . I 'm sorry I can 't help any further than that . " " It 's okay , Lyta , I 'm sorry I put you through this . I just . . . we had to know what was happening , " Michael answered , and the two men walked towards the door . " Thanks for the help , we owe you one . Good night . " Amis stepped outside , Michael following a step behind after taking a moment to try to collect his thoughts . Amis was walking away so quickly Michael had to practically jog to keep up with him . " Amis - - " " How ? How ? ! " Amis demanded , spinning around to glare angrily at Michael . " You heard what she just said - - there 's nothing you can do ! " He clutched at his chest , his face contorting in pain . " It 's here , inside me , and soon it 's going to come back and that whole nightmare is going to start all over . It 's going to be just like before , and there 's no way to stop it - - " " Amis , come on ! Amis ! " Michael grabbed the panicking man by the shoulders . This was no time for Amis to freak out on him . " We 're going to stop it . We 're going to make sure that doesn 't happen . One way or another , there has to be a way . " They both fell silent for a moment , waiting to continue speaking until a few people got off a nearby lift and passed by them . Amis spoke again , his voice now even , measured , as he told Michael , " Then you 're going to have to kill me . " " If you weren 't letting your personal feelings for me get in the way right now , you 'd know I was right . I told you it would be dangerous to start to get too close to me . If you won 't do what you need to , to protect the safety of this station , let me do it . " " Dammit , Amis ! " Mike cried in exasperation . The other man was trying to slip away from Michael 's grasp , but the Chief responded faster , locking Amis ' hands behind him and pulling the cuffs off his belt and around Amis ' wrists . " You really are gonna make me do this the hard way , aren 't you ? " he asked , forcing the other man towards the lift . Michael barely slept that night , feeling guilty as hell over what he 'd had to do and trying to figure out some solution to the problem . He 'd spent several hours with , even falling asleep over , the Book of G ' Quan , hoping for another clue like the one that had led them to using telepaths against the Shadows ' ships . Unfortunately , the previous day 's encounter with Lyta had proven that telepaths weren 't necessarily going to help with this situation . The next morning he tried to get back to work but could barely keep his mind on the job . He 'd looked for Susan at lunchtime , for at least a little moral support , but she was busy with the captain and Delenn all day with strategy planning sessions and going over reports from several Ranger patrols . And so , afternoon came , and after putting Zack in charge of the most pressing matters because he knew he was useless for dealing with them himself , he found his eyes continually drifting back to the solitary figure in the holding cell on one his video monitors . The man , Amis , sat curled in a protective ball , rocking slowly back and forth sometimes ; otherwise he simply sat unmoving , haunted eyes gazing out into nothingness , revealing little of whatever horror only he could see . No doubt , he was living every horrific moment of the terror that damn creature had inflicted upon him in the past , certain it was all going to happen to him yet again . Every so often , the eyes would lift to focus on the security cam in the far corner of the ceiling . In those moments , he glared out at those watching him - - Michael - - with such pleading desperation , it made Michael feel as if his heart was being ripped out of his chest . He needed no telepathy to hear the plea Amis was sending him , that plea for release of the most permanent kind . Dammit ! Michael , unable to take it any longer , pounded his desk in frustration , then dropped his head into his hands . Why 'd I have to get so involved ? he moaned to himself . But wouldn 't this still be as hard if we were " just friends " , like before ? Before that one night a few weeks back , Mike had already invested so much time into helping Amis straighten out his life and get on solid ground again . Their connection had been made over a year ago , the bond formed that one night when he 'd told Amis he believed in his personal demon and wanted to help him beat it . He had not been able to get that night out of his head , nor let himself simply move on and forget about that one lurker after it had seemed the major threat to the station was over . So many damn lost souls in Down Below . . . something had compelled him not to let Amis slip back through the cracks again . But he never would have believed back then just how close he would become to this man . . . how their lives would become so intertwined . So far , he had hesitated telling the captain about what was going on , and still believed he couldn 't . Sheridan probably wouldn 't have any better suggestions than Amis himself had . They were in the middle of a war ; anyone who could be connected to the enemy could not be trusted , and should therefore be . . . " removed " . Jeff would 've understood , Michael sighed , momentarily feeling the pain of his loss again . Hell , Jeff cared too damn much about everyone except himself sometimes . He would 've charged in there and demanded that the demon get out of Amis and take over his body instead ! That morning , Michael 'd had Amis sedated and taken over to MedLab for a complete exam , had him put through every test imaginable . But they could come up with no physical signs or traces of anything unusual . The results didn 't surprise Garibaldi , who remembered that the creature had seemed to consist more of some form of psychic energy than anything of pure matter . Still , he had hoped for something tangible , something that medical science could take care of , and now that chance was lost . Another hour passed while he was lost in his thoughts and watching Amis , until he found he couldn 't take it anymore . Maybe the time in solitary had given him a chance to think a little more rationally about the situation . Michael left the office and headed right for the detention cells . Amis looked up with a now angry glare when Michael entered the cell . " Hey , " Mike called , walking over towards the bed that was the only piece of furniture in the small room . Amis didn 't answer , except to turn away in feigned disinterest . " Yeah , thought so . I 'm on your shit list right now for putting you in here instead of letting you off yourself . Well , I 'm sorry for not wanting to see you dead . " He sat on the edge of the cot when no response came . " Okay , if you 're not gonna talk , you 'll just have to listen to me ' cause I 'm not leaving just ' cause you don 't feel sociable . I need you to hear what I have to say . " Look , this isn 't about you ' n me - - our relationship . This is about me trying to figure out what 's best for everyone . I won 't just throw one person to the wolves , not if there 's even the slightest chance I can avoid that . " No one outside of you , me and Lyta knows exactly what 's going on . We 've got time to figure this thing out - - to find a solution we can all live with - - before things get out of control . " " How do you know it 's not out of control already ? " Amis answered sharply . " You 're not the one inside this head . You don 't know . . . I 've tried to ignore it for so long . . . tried to convince myself I was just crazy . . . crazy to think it was still there . . . the great darkness , the heart of darkness still beating within me , screaming for revenge . . . " " Can you tell how strong it is now ? Do you know what it 's thinking ? " Michael pressed , trying to draw Amis back to the here and now , away from the edge of madness he saw creeping into the man 's mind . Don 't fade out on me , Amis . Don 't let yourself fall again . . . he pleaded silently , awaiting an answer to his question . Amis closed his eyes and breathed deeply , as if he too realized what was happening and was trying to force himself to stay in reality as well . Finally , he shook his head . " No . I only see the visions , the memories it steals from others . That 's the only time I know it 's there . . . I can . . . sort of feel its reactions to them . They aren 't pleasant . " He paused for a moment again , and this time looked at Mike without the anger from before . Just desperation . " I just know , they 're getting so much more frequent , so strong . . . Michael , if it doesn 't kill me - - if you don 't kill me to get rid of it - - it really is gonna drive me insane . I can feel it happening already . It 'll be like before , only worse . . . and I don 't want to go back to that place in my head ever again . I won 't be able to get back out next time , I know it . " Michael took Amis ' hand tightly in his own and said , " I know . I understand . And I 'm not gonna let that happen . Can I trust you enough not to run and do something stupid , if I let you out of here ? Will you stay with me , where I can keep an eye on you without keeping you locked up 24 hours a day ? " Amis wouldn 't answer right away . But he finally let out a deep sigh and nodded . " Okay . I 'll give it a chance . For now . " Michael took care of the necessary paperwork , and soon they were back at his quarters . While Amis disappeared into the bathroom for a minute , Mike made sure to take care of one thing immediately - - securing his PPG somewhere Amis couldn 't get to it without Mike 's personal access code . Just in case . He went to his closet to pick out some more comfortable clothes , changed , then stepped back into the living room area . Amis was sitting at the far end of the sofa , not looking any less defeated than he had back in the holding cell . Michael knew they weren 't going to get anywhere until Amis started believing there was some chance things were going to work out . " Hey . . . " Michael said softly , sitting down next to him , putting an arm around his shoulders . " Look at me . " Michael used his other hand to lift the Amis ' head when there was no response , letting his thumb stroke the underside of his chin affectionately . He smiled slightly , realizing how much those familiar features facing him were starting to grow on him . He could look into those deep brown eyes and probably never be able to fathom exactly what was going on behind them . He did love a good mystery now and again , and Amis was certainly a mystery to him on many levels , compelling him to want to learn more . He feared Susan was right ; sometimes the heart and the mind didn 't listen to each other very well . This wasn 't the time or place to start developing serious emotional attachments - - hadn 't he figured that out by now ? No , he supposed not . " You know , " he said , " one time I told Jeff that it was easy to find something worth dying for , but a lot harder to find something worth living for . You 've got to try to find . . . to realize that you 've got a lot to live for yet . And no matter what - - I 'm here for you . " . . . And I think I might be starting to love you . And right now I couldn 't handle losing another person I care about so much . Amis nodded , but didn 't say anything in response . He looked as if he had let himself be completely defeated by this thing already . Michael pulled him closer for a hug ; it was all he could think to do , as there was nothing more he could think to say - - nothing he was ready to admit to , at least . After some time , he felt Amis finally relax slightly against him , his own arms reaching around Mike 's body for support . Neither of them spoke nor moved , though Michael felt Amis shudder against him as though he might be crying . Michael simply held on tighter , stroking his shoulders , the back of his head , wanting to do anything , whatever he could , to make the hurting stop . If only he knew how to make it really stop - - not just offer simple comfort . With the shudders passing , Mike nuzzled his head down against Amis ' , lips brushing gently against the soft brown curls . " Don 't give up on me , not yet , " he murmured softly . " Come on , let 's get you to bed . You and I could both use some rest . " Michael climbed into bed , after pulling out some nightclothes for Amis to borrow . Amis followed , and with the lights out , Michael held him close , hoping they could both fall into the restful sleep they needed . The weight of Amis ' head resting on his chest , body draped across him , was nothing compared to the weight of responsibility he felt inside . In many ways he had saved Amis ' life - - or at least tried to give it some meaning once more . According to many ancient traditions , that meant that his life was now Michael 's responsibility to support and protect . But how could he protect it from an enemy he could not directly confront ? He could feel the building pressure in his temples threatening a bad headache if he didn 't stop going around in mental circles on this , so he willed himself to try to relax . His fingers gently traced though Amis ' hair in a steady , rhythmic pattern , and he tried to think about the good times they 'd shared , only days before . Tried to imagine that none of this was happening . He hovered on the edge of sleep , peaceful for one long moment . . . They were the same ones he 'd been haunted with in his nightmare that first time , and more . More vivid now , as if he was living through those hells all over again . Mars . Europa . The faces of Frank 's horrified family ; his wife 's terrible cries of grief . A young girl 's voice taunting him through a cloud of alcohol and pain ( " Drunk again , Uncle Mike ? " ) Slogging through the battlefields screaming for retreat , with the Minbari right on their heels . . . Another cry , this one jarring him out of the depths with its proximity . " STOP , no ! " Amis was screaming , as he wrenched away from Mike and broke the flood of memories . Once Michael himself recovered , he saw Amis curled on the floor away from him , shaking . Damn it , can 't even have a few minutes ' peace , he thought sadly . He got up and went to the bathroom , pulling out an old prescription for sleeping pills he still had sitting around . " Here , take these , " Michael told Amis , getting down on the floor next to him . Amis took them after a pause , and the offered glass of water . " Come on , let 's try this again . Tomorrow , we 'll . . . we 'll figure out what we 're gonna do about this , okay ? " Perhaps it was the creature invading his head again , but Michael slept uneasily . His mind wouldn 't completely shut down , as he couldn 't give up trying to figure out a way to defeat the creature . How does one combat and kill something that seems intangible , or is so closely locked into another person 's existence that it cannot be separated ? It was a parasite , or symbiote of the worst kind , concerned only with its own survival . . . how could they free Amis from its grasp ? The eve of darkness , death . . . the eve of death , but not death itself . . . From somewhere in his half - sleep , an idea suddenly came to him , pulling him sharply out of the dream before he could lose the thought . He sat up abruptly , and shouted , " Damn it , I 've got it ! I 've got it , Amis ! " He reached over to quickly wake up his friend - - but he stopped abruptly when he found no one there next to him . " Lights ! " he demanded , blinking and quickly scanning the room . Amis ' uniform was gone from the chair where it had been tossed casually before . All that remained was his commlink . " Shit ! Aw no , don 't do this to me , " Michael groaned , jumping up out of bed and trying to find his own clothes . He caught the blinking display of his vid - panel , indicating a waiting message . " Computer , display messages . " Checking the current time , he saw Amis had an almost thirty minute lead on him - - thank God he 'd been sleeping restlessly . Still , if Amis was really determined to do something drastic , those thirty minutes could be more than ample time . Mike removed his PPG from where he 'd locked it last night and ran out the door , not sure where he was going . Think think think , what would Amis do ? Where would he go ? Come on Michael , think ! he yelled at himself as he headed for the nearest lift . Okay . He 's doing this because he 's afraid it 's going to hurt other people on this station if it gets control of him . Or gets out of him . So he 's gotta do this somewhere remote - - somewhere he 'd know he 'd be able to do it without getting caught in the act . . . or had planned it before . Before . . . He stood clutching the railing tight though thick - gloved hands , the only sound that of his own breathing inside the suit , coming slow , steady . Perfectly calm . He watched the many ships that circled around the station , many of types he 'd never seen before and could not recognize . All these different races were joining together and using this place now as the center for the Army of Light - - the army against the Shadows . These people and aliens were all here to put their lives secondary to the greater cause at hand . Now it was his turn to do the same . Why couldn 't Michael see this was necessary ? Just one good jump , he told himself . Like you thought about doing all those times before . Fall away from the station , and simply keep falling . Simple . Yet for some reason , he couldn 't quite take that last step . Not yet . Just want to watch the stars for a few minutes more . One last time . . . The stars look like angels overhead , observing me , observing all of us . . . Will they cry for this one fallen soul - - vessel for the fallen angel , the soldier of darkness . . . He closed his eyes , tried to stay focused on what he must do . Tried to hold onto that tenuous grip he held on reality . Must be that damn thing , turning me coward . Doesn 't want to lose me . Can 't afford it . Well , my old friend , it 's time you finally left me the hell alone . I 'm tired of being your servant . I won 't help you any longer , let you use me to stay alive . It 's been too long . . . far too long . I 'm just too tired to fight you any longer . He leaned against the railing , looking down beneath him where the station fell away , and where there was nothing to see except the field of stars below . It was time . Freedom awaits me here . If he just leaned further forward . . . let the boots release their magnetic hold on the deck beneath him . . . He heard the crackling come through the suit 's speakers , startling him . " Amis , don 't ! You gotta listen to me . There is another way out . " Garibaldi 's voice was strained ; Amis could hear his breath coming in fast gasps between his words . He didn 't even turn towards the air lock to see where Michael was . " No , I told you , there is no other way . You 've got to leave , Mike , I came out here so no one else could get hurt . " " I 'm not leaving , not until you listen to me . I figured it out - - there 's a way , I know there is . It 's what that guy said to you , in Down Below : ' on the eve of final darkness , freedom awaits you . ' You don 't have to die . We just have to convince it that you 're going to die . Force it to let go , and then scrag it good it before it goes for someone else . " " Doctor Franklin had a machine . An alien healing device . I know where it still is , and that it works . It lets you transfer one person 's life energy into another person . We can drain your energy just to the edge of death into someone else . The thing will probably try to detach itself from you and jump into the nearest person - - but we 'll blast it with the biggest goddamned PPG blast we can before it does . Then we transfer your energy back into you . It 's risky sure , but - - " " It 's crazy , Mike ! What if it doesn 't work ? What if it just passes itself from me to whoever else you strap up to this ' machine ' of yours ? " " You shouldn 't ask anyone , period . Let me do this , Michael . I have to . Your idea might work , but if it doesn 't . . . " " For Chrissake , what have you got to lose if it doesn 't ? ! You don 't really want to die , Amis . If you did , you wouldn 't still be here . You would 've been long gone . But you couldn 't jump , could you ? " " Amis , look at me . Look at me , dammit . " Amis turned , seeing now that Michael was closing the distance between them . Panicking , he backed away , but his eyes met Michael 's , through the thick glass that separated them both from the vacuum outside . A wave of emotion Amis didn 't want to feel swept through him , seeing the desperation in Mike 's eyes . " Whether you like it or not , you 're important to me now . If I mean anything to you , you 'll give me the chance to try this . Come on , you don 't want to throw your life away now , just when things are getting back on track . . . . Besides , I haven 't had the chance to cook my famous Bagna Cauda for you . No one walks out on me until I 've at least cooked it for them once . " " That 's exactly where we 're gonna send that thing - - straight back to hell . Come on , let 's go . " Michael slowly finished making his way over to Amis , and quickly tethered himself to the other man 's suit , just in case he tried anything still . " We 're going back inside now . And we 're getting that thing out of you , one way or another . " " - - It worked fine on me , Doc , check my records . Franklin 's gone over the thing thoroughly and can attest that it works . Even if we don 't understand exactly how . " " Regardless , Mr . Garibaldi , you 're asking me to watch you use this equipment to bring another man - - a man who appears to be in perfectly fine health - - to the edge of death ? ! While a goon squad of your men stand by with fully charged rifles , to take out a supposed alien entity that has . . . possessed him ? This is completely outrageous ! " Doctor Hobbs glared around MedLab angrily . " If anything goes wrong , I 've told you what to do . If I 'm right about this , we 'll be saving a Helena lot of lives on this station with what we 're about to do . You can report me to the captain as soon as we 're finished , or if anything goes wrong . Just let me do what I need to do right now . " The doctor was unconvinced , but the fact that security men were standing around , armed to the teeth , and the rest of her staff had been dismissed by them already , made her feel as if she had no choice . She was one woman against an army . " Very well . Get this over with . I 'll have no part in it , except to monitor this man 's condition and hope you don 't kill him with that . . . thing . " Garibaldi nodded , thankful for even the most reluctant assistance . The machine had , in fact , been designed as a means of corporal punishment : the criminal was drained of his life energy , which was then used to cure individuals suffering from terminal illnesses . No one still knew the origins of the device , which had originally been brought to the station by a doctor who had learned how to operate it at less than full power to cure simpler ailments without killing the energy " donor " . However , after Franklin inherited the device from the doctor , he determined it to be too dangerous to use until it could be fully understood . But Michael had studied Franklin 's notes thoroughly after the device had been used by Franklin and Captain Sheridan to bring him out of a coma once . He understood it enough - - he hoped - - that he would be able to operate it himself . Even if Franklin would 've given him a worse chewing out than Doctor Hobbs had just now if he ever found out about this . He turned now to Zack Allen , who was ready with three other security officers around the tables where they had set up the Life Giver . " Okay , Zack , I told you what to watch for . Even if you don 't see anything , when I say go , I want you , Julie and Mark to fry the air right above us , or wherever I tell you to . " " Got it , Chief . Whatever you want us to do , we 'll do it . " Mike knew Zack would not question his orders , no matter how crazy they seemed . The others appeared equally intent - - he had chosen them because they had been there during the last battle with the Shadow creature the year before . They had at least some idea of what they would be facing . No harm ? Michael thought . If the damn creature didn 't kill him , a slip on this machine could finish the job in an instant . " Listen . . . I understand basically how to operate this , but . . . there is a chance . . . " " I understand , " Amis finished for him , looking up at him with understanding eyes . " It 's okay . No matter what happens . And . . . just don 't blame yourself if somethin ' goes wrong . You hear me , Michael Garibaldi ? " Michael forced himself to swallow down the emotions he was feeling - - hell , it was no time to get mushy , not here and not while he had to stay focused . He just reached for Amis ' hand and squeezed it tight for a moment . " I hear ya . . . Let 's do it . " He went to his own bed and sat on the edge , facing the machine , and hooked his arm up to it . Amis laid down , the security men positioning around them both as Michael made final preparations . Dr . Hobbs drew near with equipment to monitor their vital signs , though her face was drawn tight in displeasure over the situation . Taking a final deep breath to clear his head , Michael activated the machine , and pressing a few buttons he initiated the flow of life - energy from Amis towards himself . Almost immediately he felt the surge of energy pouring into him . His own senses seemed to grow sharper with each passing moment . He felt electrified . It continued to grow more intense and he continued to allow the energy to pass for several minutes . . . then longer . . . It was Doctor Hobbs that drew him back off the high of the machine by announcing firmly , " All right , his vital signs are dropping quickly . That 's as far as you can push him if you want to give him any chance to recover . Stop the transfer . " Michael did so immediately and waited for an apprehensive , agonizing minute . Maybe it wouldn 't work . Amis lay unconscious now , looking deathly pale . . . Fear gripped Michael as he worried that he was already dead , or that the thing was so attached to him that it could not break free until he finally was dead . And then it began . He saw the sickly , pale glow starting to flare out of Amis ' chest , lifting itself free , sluggishly . . . a shapeless blob of light , with the blackest void of night at its center . " I see it . . . " Zack whispered unnecessarily . The others all did as well . Doctor Hobbs stepped back , a sharp gasp escaping her lips before she froze in surprise . " Wait . . . wait till it 's completely off him . . . make sure you don 't hit him . . . " Michael 's eyes were drawn into that small , dark void , and he could sense it was studying him , somehow , turning towards him . A chill passed over him as it reached out to him on some mental level , and suddenly it lifted itself completely off Amis ' body . " Now ! " Garibaldi hollered , dropping down on the bed and flinching his eyes shut as the blasts roared overhead . The heat of the intense plasma fire scorched the air above him . The blasts continued until he nearly screamed , the heat becoming almost too much to endure . But his own voice was drowned by a terrible shriek - - the same shriek he 'd heard in his dreams : the cry of a Shadow ship . . . the cry when they had first tried to kill the Shadow creature . He opened his eyes to see the dark void fading , collapsing onto itself . . . then it was gone . He hoped completely and finally , this time . Not waiting an instant , he sat up and got back to the machine , reversing the flow of the life energy back to Amis . " C ' mon , c ' mon , " he impatiently breathed , ignoring the others ' mixed cries of " What the hell was that thing ? ! " " Did we get it ? " " Chief - - you okay . . . ? " He felt himself growing weary and tired as the device drained him . But he wouldn 't release the controls , not until , for a moment , Amis ' eyes flickered open . There was a look of confusion there , then his eyes found Michael 's , and he smiled . Then the eyes closed again . He breathed a deep sigh of relief , powering down the machine , feeling drained and incredibly tired . Maybe , finally , it was all over now . Zack asked him again , " Chief , are you all right ? " Mike smiled . " Yeah , this is one annoying habit you 've got , getting yourself nearly killed every few weeks . If I didn 't know any better , I 'd start to think you were doing this just to slack off duty . " Amis managed a small laugh and looked around . He was back in his own quarters , not MedLab , where he last remembered being . Michael continued to explain , " Since the Doc thought you should be fine - - and she couldn 't wait to see the whole lot of us get the hell out of there - - I had you brought back here and decided to wait for you to come to . " " I don 't know , guess I 'm a hopeless case . " He reached over to scruff up Amis ' hair . " I 'm just glad we finally got rid of that thing . You 're gonna be okay now . For real . " " Everyone saw it pull out of you , then they hit it with enough PPG blasts to take out an army . Weren 't no signs of it after that . I 'm pretty certain that 's the last we 'll ever see of it . " " Why ? It thought you were dying and didn 't want to go down with a sinking ship . Probably took everything it had to break free and try to find a new host . " Amis looked as if he wanted to believe that , but wasn 't completely sure . " Look , if we can talk her into it , we 'll get Lyta to scan you again just to make sure . Hell , we could ask her to scan all the personnel that were in the lab to make sure it didn 't jump into any of them . But for now , believe me , we got it . Okay ? " " I don 't know yet . The first time , when we thought we killed it , guess part of me always knew something still wasn 't right . Now . . . something feels somehow . . . empty . Raw . " Michael nodded , trying to imagine the hell his friend had been through all these years since the war . Now , perhaps , it finally would be finished . Michael caught Amis looking at him with great concern , and his expression turned troubled . " Something else bothering you ? " Michael asked . Amis looked away , and got up in the bed enough to swing his legs over the side . He kept his eyes down on his hands as he chose his words carefully . " I guess I owe you a big thanks . I tried to push you away , to keep you from helping me . . . I was afraid if we couldn 't stop this thing , and it got complete control over me . . . that you would be the first person who would end up getting hurt . And I couldn 't be responsible for that . " He looked up now , an apologetic look on his face . Amis shook his head . " All right , that 's not all . Maybe you 're starting to get under my skin , Michael Garibaldi . I wasn 't expecting that . I wasn 't planning on letting that happen . " " So , neither of us were . Look , I remember what you said before to me , about not getting too involved . But we 're grown ups , aren 't we ? Things don 't always happen the way we think they should . . . the safe way . I just know . . . I like being with you . And I care what happens to you . And that . . . it feels good right now to have someone to feel that way about again . " Amis accepted Mike 's words with a small smile . " I know . Maybe I 'm the one who 's still gun - shy . I haven 't . . . let myself get really close to anyone like this since . . . hell , I can 't even remember . Lost so many friends , and more , during the war . . . the only way to get through it was to keep my distance . It 's . . . hard to stop feelin ' that way . " " I know . But sometimes it 's worth taking a risk . " Michael pulled him close for a quick kiss on the cheek and a hug . " Listen , I got to get to work . There 's been some sort of major development and I need to get my butt over to the war room before the captain chews me out . You gonna be okay ? " " Good . ' Cause you 're usin ' up all your sick days fast , my friend , and you 'll be needed back in customs tomorrow . So enjoy the time off while it lasts . " Back to customs duty , joy , joy , Amis sighed to himself , trying to keep up a cheerful demeanor as he processed the arrival of a ship of new refugees from the battle lines . Even working short shift , it was a tedious , irritating job , but at least it was better than being bed - ridden and having Mike watching over him every second . It was his second day back on the job after their attempt to get rid of the Shadow Demon , and Amis was finally starting to let himself believe that maybe it was gone for good this time . He hadn 't had any more of those flashes , no sense of the creature being with him . It was an odd feeling , no longer knowing that something else was there , sharing his thoughts and his body . As he finished with one Drazi family , their documents thankfully all in order , he suddenly became aware of a tingling in the back of his neck , a strange sense of unease . Someone was watching him - - it 's wasn 't telepathy , just survivor 's instinct . He turned around and saw Ambassador Kosh , encounter suit looming in the background of the bustling crowd around him . Amis knew even with all these people around , Kosh was the one setting off his warning signals . Amis swallowed nervously . " Avoid Ambassador Kosh , " Lyta had warned quite plainly - - but that had been before they 'd gotten rid of the creature inside him . Apparently Lyta hadn 't been able to keep their secret , as she had feared . " Ambassador . Can I help you ? " Amis asked , and he waited with growing apprehension as the Vorlon simply studied him silently for a long moment . The prickle at the back of his neck turned into an electric hum , then suddenly he felt a strong snap in his mind , disorienting him . He staggered back slightly , feeling dizzy and faint . |
" On the day Eli is born , his grandmother holds him up to the window , so that what he hears first are all the places to love : the valley , the river falling down over rocks , the hilltop where blueberries grow . Everyone in Eli 's family has a favorite place , and Eli will grow up knowing that no matter where the rest of his life takes him , all the places to love are right here , connected to a way of life that has time for affection and simple pleasures . " - All the Places to Love by Patricia Maclachlan My pregnancy was aging quickly . I watched the 40 week mark come and go with an odd mixture of emotions . At times , I felt that this might be the new me . I was destined to live life with a bulging belly forever and maybe all this baby talk from the doctors was a complete scam . How could my 4th baby stay so snug in there for so long ? Cruel . The kids played outside each day as I watched from our kitchen table . I had become too aware of every ache and pain my body would present to me . Sending constant updates to my husband and anyone else who would listen . Desperate . Desperate for anyone to listen . It became all I could talk about and I lacked the self control to not talk about the pregnancy . I was grateful for the listening ears . So grateful . The kids found treasure one day . Actually , a little friend made the mistake of showing them where she buried her treasure . Ashton assured me that she " didn 't mind . " I brought the kids to the playground to meet up with the Irvine girls . Ready to run around the ball field if I had to . I was a crazy pregnant woman . Done . I had to strip the kids down to their underpants for the ride home that day . I carried them each in the house with my coat as a blanket , bathed them , threw their clothes in the wash and laid them each down for an afternoon nap . I was sure that had to shake things up just enough to get the baby moving . Right ? The next morning , I had an appointment to talk about induction . The doctor decided to send me to the hospital at 5 p . m . to begin a medicine called Cervidil that would allow my cervix to soften overnight as I slept . It wouldn 't be until the next morning ( after I showered and put on a new gown ) that they 'd start the Pitocin . Ready and excited to get things moving , we quickly came home and gave the kids a quick pizza lunch . I had my brother snap one last picture of our family of 5 . I waved goodbye to the kids . Trying to fight back the tears that I didn 't expect to fall . As I picked up their little plates , my heart felt sad . I missed them already . I felt bad for having them go . The plan was for me to take a quick nap before we headed up to the hospital but my brain was in constant motion at this point . I laid in bed and felt overheated with the sun pouring through the window . Josh returned home to lay down for a little while and before we knew it , it was time to go . Time flew by that afternoon . I remember looking at my belly one last time as I passed the body length mirror . Knowing my reflection would look different the next time I passed by . A simple moment I 'll never forget . I told myself not to cry as we locked the door and walked down our front steps . After papers , papers and more papers , we arrived in delivery room 6 . I found it funny that 6 years after having our first child , we were arriving in delivery room 6 to have , what we believe , will be our last baby . They hooked me up to the monitors and inserted the Cervidil around 7 p . m . It wasn 't long and I started contracting regularly . I didn 't think much of it as they started off fairly light and tolerable . I figured it was all apart of the process . Soon , the " fairly light and tolerable " turned into excruciating pain . I watched the monitors as the contractions came 1 to 2 minutes apart . I started to panic as I looked at the clock and thought about the hours that could go by before they started the Pitocin . It felt as if I was in real labor but my mind convinced me it was just the medicine . I couldn 't possibly be in real labor yet . Eventually , we called in the nurse and resident to have them check me . All of this pain had to bring some sort of progress . " 2 centimeters " the nurse said . " I could probablyyyy stretch you to a 3 . " I asked if there was anyway we could take the Cervidil out so I could get some rest before the morning came and we started the Pitocin . I couldn 't bare to think of being in this much pain all night . Having no sleep before " real " labor began . The nurse checked with the doctor and he said to leave it in . " Sounds like it 's working ! " He said . Suddenly . I hated the doctor . I hated him . I grabbed the rail of that awful bed and hated him . I looked at Josh and whispered , " I don 't think I can do this . I don 't know if I have just gotten weaker or I 'm not mentally as strong . I just know I can 't do this all night . " I began having Josh push as hard as he could on my left hip and lower back with every contraction . I am not so sure it really helped physically but mentally , it was pain relief . It wasn 't too much longer that I felt the need to use the bathroom . I had been drinking so much water , I felt like I had to get up every ten minutes . After I went this time though , it was different . My body began pushing right as I stood up . Still in denial I thought , well . at least this feels a lot better . Maybe I could keep this pushing stuff up and the pain would at least be a bit more tolerable . As my body began to push harder and harder , I quickly tip toed around the room . Looking at Josh , I remember telling him to help me . I remember feeling peace when his hand softly touched my arm . I remember telling him I wasn 't sure if I had just peed on the floor or if it was my water that broke . I remember not caring what it was . I told him my body was pushing and he yelled for the doctor . I was trying not to panic , panicking . When the doctor arrived , he told me to lay down in the bed to be checked . At this point I was thinking , IMPOSSIBLE ! IS HE CRAZY ? ! NO WAY WILL I DO THAT ! I CAN ' T LAY DOWN ! ! ! I started yelling , " I ' M PUSHING ! MY BODY IS PUSHING ! " More panic . I didn 't want to do this . It was so impossibly hard . It hurt and I was scared to go through this part again . I remember Josh telling me to look at him . Look at him in the eyes and think of the other kids , he said . He brought me back . He brought me back into that room and kept me focused . It was time to meet Eli . The doctor , resident and nurses rushed to get themselves ready . There he was . Our fashionably late Eli Grayson . Beautiful Eli Grayson . What an amazing love . He nursed within 3 minutes of his birth . He laid on me for the first hour of his life . Josh cut the cord . We were two . 11 : 10 p . m . 9 lbs 10 . 7 ounces . 22 1 / 2 inches long . My largest baby yet . My heart , full . He was given his first bath around 2 a . m . I was wide awake and happy . My adrenaline was at an ultimate high . I had just given birth and felt great . I can stay awake for days ! I thought . Super woman . The next day was pretty pleasant . I was happy to read all the text messages I received as soon as everyone awoke in the morning and heard the news . We talked to the kids and told them about their new baby brother , born in the night . My sister visited and bought us pizza for lunch . My friend Julia stopped by with an awesome mommy care package and our friends Aimee and Claude stopped by after dinner . It had been a sunny day , I was able to shower , the baby was nursing well and everything just seemed so right . I avoided thinking about the fact that I still had not gotten any sleep since Tuesday night . This time was precious and I had plenty of time to sleep once we were home . By 11 : 00 that night , my eyes were getting very heavy . I suddenly realized that another night with no sleep would be very difficult . Especially if we were being discharged in the morning and I had to come home to care for 3 other children . Eli had been alive for 24 hours now and began cluster feeding . He 'd nurse from one side to the next , one side to the next . I sat up in bed and gazed at the television . Staring at an old episode of George Lopez . How would I survive another night with no sleep ? The bed was beginning to feel harder and I was beginning to feel more and more uncomfortable . I was in pain . I was exhausted . I watched the time slowly move on the clock . Wondering when the nurse would come in again to check on us . Hoping she wouldn 't catch me if I decided to close my eyes for just one second while nursing the baby . If I could just get five minutes of sleep , everything would be much better . I tried to get up to use the bathroom and Eli would scream to nurse . He was only happy nursing by this point . I want to go home . I need to go home . It was all I could think about . I needed my own bed . Morning came and I didn 't feel human anymore . Dazed , I started organizing our things and feeling incredibly anxious for discharge . During all of this , the pediatrician and nurses had come in and out to run the typical tests and screenings they usually do on newborns . I didn 't think anything of it . It was when the pediatrician came in and told us we wouldn 't be discharged until Saturday that got me . I had labored so quickly , I didn 't get the antibiotics I needed before I delivered Eli . Typically , women who test positive for strep b are placed on antibiotics 2 hours before delivery . " I know you 're probably not too happy about that news . " She said . Before she left , the pediatrician said she 'd call us about one of the heart tests they ran on Eli . Again . I didn 't think much of it . They typically do this . I sat and cried as I nursed my new baby . Waiting for the doctor to call us back . While we waited , Josh put Eli in his first onesie from home . That made me feel a little better with a side of , " I 'm walking out of this darn hospital . . . they can 't keep us captive ! I am not a prisoner ! " The phone rang . I asked Josh to pick it up . His voice sounded normal . Things sounded good . It wasn 't until he hung up , that he broke into full blown , hysterical tears . Horrified , I yelled in hysterics , " WHAT ? ! WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM ? ! " I still remember his sobs . I still remember the sound of my hysterical voice and tears . " He has a heart defect . They are transferring him to the NICU at Crouse and we might have to go to Rochester . " We broke down . Badly . Our sobbing echoed through out the room . A nurse came running in . This was mostly a blur . She tried to describe what was wrong with Eli 's heart . I remember the look in her eyes as she stood touching Josh 's shoulder . I remember asking if my baby could die from this . I remember her telling me to give Eli a kiss . She took him away and I ran in the bathroom to ready myself for discharge . I called my mother while I was in the bathroom and so much air left my lungs , it was hard to breathe . I remember walking out to a line of doctors , silently waiting for me . They must have been listening all along , I thought . I slowly lifted my head up as a pathetic attempt to make eye contact and the head doctor began talking about a Coarctation of the aorta and emergency surgery . He had a paper and he tried to describe everything to us . It was treatable . I held on to those words . This had to be a dream . We signed some more papers and they told us to come in to the NICU to say goodbye . Goodbye ? I thought . I watched as they pulled off the onesie we had put him in just minutes before and they gave me permission to kiss him goodbye . I looked back at Josh , also still in tears , hesitant to get too close to his boy . It was hard to say goodbye . Josh didn 't have to tell me . I knew . " It 's ok , honey . Give him a kiss goodbye . It 's ok . " I held on to his side and we walked out . Watching from across the hall , we saw them place our baby in an incubator and ready him for the ambulance ride over to Crouse . That hurt the most . My heart was dying . I watched as they took him away . They discharged me as quickly as possible . The lactation consultant gave me an electric pump to rent for the month and 5 minutes of the best advice she could give me for the hurry . I remember a nurse running in with a large tray of food . Telling me I had to eat . Asking me what sandwiches we 'd like , then suddenly pouring all the sandwiches , chips , juices and cookies in a large garbage - like bag . I remember crying in her arms and thanking her for her kindness . She hugged me so tight and didn 't let go even after I did . She told me they 'd be praying for us . I was wheeled down to the front door with nothing but a garbage bag of food and a couple of gift bags . Josh had walked an empty car seat to the van . I hugged the nurse who wheeled me down and again , I was told we were being prayed for . Upon arriving to Crouse , Josh and I tried to contain ourselves as best as we could before walking in . We cried while eating a sandwich . I reminded him of the word treatable as much as I could . I grabbed his hand . We walked in . In the waiting room , I debated on laying on the tiled floor . If I could just have ten minutes of sleep , maybe I could think more clearly about all of this and last another night . An old cowboy movie was playing on the television and I sensed people trying not to stare at me . I tried to close my eyes while sitting up . The outlet on the wall was moving . After an agonizingly long wait , we were told we could come in . A long , dark NICU with over a hundred babies , it seemed . Eli was on nursery floor A . Where the " sickest babies go " the nurse told us . They had a bright light shining on him . Wires were all around . I couldn 't touch him she said . He was so hard to look at . So much , I told myself to look away . I couldn 't . We tried not to cry and failed at our attempts . I couldn 't hear the nurse and I couldn 't see clearly . It made me nauseous to look at anything for more than 5 seconds . I felt dizzy as I sat on the stool chair that was just high enough to be level to his little square bed . She asked me if I was ok . She told me I looked hot and pale . She hugged me and said she was taking good care of our baby . That he 'd be ok but I needed to go home and get some rest . " We don 't treat adults here ! " She said . She slowly walked us to the elevators and sent me home with some empty milk bottles and more hugs . She handed me off to Josh and told him to hold me up on our way down . When we arrived home around 5 : 00 p . m . , Josh and I laid down . 45 minutes later , we received a wake up call from the cardiologist with hopeful news that the Coarc was indeed treatable with surgery . He talked about sending us to Rochester on Monday or Tuesday morning . We woke up ready the next morning . Better prepared for any news that was about to come our way that day . I pumped milk for Eli and we headed to the hospital . We loved his nurse that weekend . She was a short , middle - aged women with black hair . She wasn 't afraid to curse on the job and chewed on ice she had stored in a Dunkin Donuts cup all day . She made us feel comfortable . She took the time to get to know to us as we held and rocked our boy . He had trouble nursing that weekend . He was too tired and medicated to try . I 'd lift his limp head in attempt to get him to latch but he wouldn 't even open his eyes . He couldn 't . Tears ran down my cheeks . We attempted to give him the milk I had pumped in the bottle and that worked . Thank you , Lord . I was just happy to see him eat . It was especially hard leaving him that Saturday night . We had picked up the kids afterward and piled them into the van . An empty infant car seat sat next to Josie . That hurt . When we came home , I wept in the shower . I had all the signs of a postpartum body but no baby was around to show for it . I pumped every two hours listening to the whir whir of the machine . Sitting in the darkness next to a bassinet that screamed its loneliness . On Sunday , we received great news ! The third scan did not show the Coarc . They ordered another Echocardiogram and EKG for Monday morning to confirm the new , amazing news . The cardiologist and nurses acted surprised . We felt beyond blessed . No surgery . By Tuesday the 8th , we were told he would be ready to go the next day . We rejoiced ! We swore that 8 would always continue to be our lucky number . Overnight however , his heart rate skyrocketed to 290 - 300 for minutes at a time . When we came in the next morning , doctors and nurses stood around our baby . A little oxygen mask laid next to him . He looked uncomfortable and moved oddly . His monitor rang loud . We were told to go wait in the waiting room . More tears . We returned to find Eli with an IV in his head and hand . They needed an IV ready in case he needed emergency heart medicine . They immediately ordered another EKG . His heart rate continued to skyrocket for 20 + minute intervals throughout the day . We were terrified . We were told he had something called Atrial flutter . . . . SVT . The lining in one chamber of his heart was thicker than the rest . He would need medicine to control the SVT . 4 days passed while we watched and waited for the medicine to work and balance . We took pictures . We prayed . We put several more miles on the rocking chair . Each night without him , felt like a hundred . Finally , our day came . Monday April 14th 2014 . . . . Ashton was born on a 14th . I called it good luck and laughed at my sentimental way with numbers . He was tested and scanned . We talked with the cardiologist . They set up appointments . They gave us more information than we could ever remember . We were given two doses of the Digoxin he was prescribed . - ( He will need it two times a day , every day for as long as he needs it . It 's a mystery right now as to how long it will be ) . He even had a 90 minute car seat test where he yawned a bit . . . I was still in disbelief when the nurse told me we could put on his own clothes . I had them tucked in my purse in a small grocery bag . I didn 't bring the diaper bag that day because I didn 't want to get my hopes up . I can 't tell you how good it felt to finally put that hat on his head . Finally . . . . finally . We had the most wonderful nurse who offered to take our photo once we were officially discharged . One of the happiest moments of my life . I had my baby back . The whole pregnancy , I believed Liam would be jealous of the new baby . It turns out , he is jealous if I hold the baby for too long because he wants to hold him all the time . It is his baby . I feel like this experience opened up a piece of my heart that will forever be raw . I 'd see the colored glass windows of the children 's hospital right across the street from Crouse and suddenly feel a wound that was never there before . I can feel the pain of those parents behind those walls . Watching and waiting for their babies to become healthy . Praying for their day to come home . We 'll forever remember Ava , the 180 + day old that would sit in her crib and kick her feet while she watched Happy Feet all day . The nurses . The rocker . The buzzes and beeps . All the babies & parents . I will forever be praying for the 9th floor of Crouse hospital . " A lot of babies are born perfectly fine . We just get the special ones . " - Our favorite nurse from the first Saturday of Eli 's hospital stay . I love this , tears are streaming down my face ! I shared your situation yesterday with the ladies at PWOC ( Protestant Women of the Chapel aka military wives bible study group ) and they are all praying too . I can 't wait to see you all in 7 weeks and finally meet 1 / 3 of you ! |
Jun 14 2017 Published by potnia theron under Alzheimer 's disease , dementia I get the updates from the Foundation for Biomedical Research , a group that supports animal research in biomedicine . They sent a link to a recent post they had , which talked about " Still Alice " , the book and movie . There is a quote from the movie ( I believe ) that just tore at me : " They 've been doing all these tests , and I 'm really scared , " she said . " I know what I 'm feeling . It feels like my brain is dying and everything I 've worked for in my entire life is going . It 's all going . " And that is the fear . The fear my mother had , the fear that I now have . We are scientists , and the thought of our brain dying is about the most scary thing , for us , that we can think of . Just those words ! " losing your mind " . They are loaded and painful and mean so much more than just Alzheimer 's disease . I do not want to lose my mind . But now , it is something that is there , lurking in a corner of that mind I want to keep . Mar 10 2017 Published by potnia theron under Alzheimer 's disease , dementia , life , parents , Uncategorized Last weekend I had breakfast with one friend , and dinner with another . They both are caregivers for their Moms . Both , however , have recently moved their Moms from home to assisted living / Alzheimer 's units . The medical conditions are different in these Moms , and the personalities were different before the disease . Yet , dementia brings on changes in personality that are as tough as they are predictable . Some is a loss of executive function , and the ability , nay desire , to say whatever enters your head . I remember " You can 't be my child , because I don 't have so many horrible genes " . Some is anger at loss of function , or bluster for covering up mental lapses . One parent of a different friend became sweet and kind and charming . But that 's the only one I can recall that the changes were perceived as an improvement . My friends are women I 've known for a while , the three years since I moved to almost - MRU . They 've listened to me go through the pain , yes the pain , of watching my mother slip away . We 've talked about this over the years . One friends mother is just in the beginning stages , and the other about a year behind my mother . The emotion burden is huge . And I will admit to feeling some relief when listening to them that these particular stages were over , for me . One of the moms is angry . All the time . Painfully angry . Demanding people who are gone . Demanding the presence of my friend , all the time . It is hard to leave your crying mother , whether she is angry or emotionally bereft . I know this feeling . The only thing worse is when they forget to ask you to stay , just a minute more . Or when they can no longer scream at you , demand , plead . The other mom has lost language . At first , language loss , albeit with speech , still , seems a relief . No more harangues , no more ridiculous requests , no more crying for people who have been dead for 20 or 50 years . But quickly , for children caring for parents , this becomes a new loss . One of the things about AD is that you lose your parent or spouse or friend over and over and over again . Each stage , each change is a knife in the heart . Some days , leaving my mom , coming home , I would look down at my chest and expect to see blood seeping through my clothes . I would think : this is the worst it can get . My mother was no longer crying for specific people , but tears and tears and tears for unknown sadness beyond words . There is often no way to comfort people with AD . They are angry , and then worse , they do not know you want to comfort them . My friend , whose mother no longer has language , who is drifting into that twilight where neither mother nor daughter can see anything , showed me a picture of her mom . Here it is , with my friends permission . I took one look , and knew that it was the same picture I had of my mother . Our mothers , who remembering nothing else in their lives , remember being a mother . I see her once or twice a week . I care for her when I see her , but that 's almost more for me , as there are others who care for her where she lives . She is in a good place , a safe place . She is being taken care of by people who have a calling to take care of her . But almost every time I leave her I think : should I being doing more ? I do not think that I am alone in this dialogue . I would guess that every aging child , every adult child who cares for their parent , whether they have the resources I do , or whether the demented ( or not demented ) parent is living at home in too - small of a space , has this discussion with themselves . To take on the care of a parent , one must already have made a commitment . May 04 2016 Published by potnia theron under Alzheimer 's disease , dementia , Uncategorized There was a special section , many pages , many words , on a woman who has Alzheimer 's disease in the Sunday NYTimes this weekend . I saw it and my heart sank . It fell into the basket of " things I should read but I really don 't want to " . My sister called and left me a message that was simply " do I have to read this ? did you ? " . I did read most of the article . But it was pure self - discipline . I did at any point think : wow , that 's a good insight . Nor at any point did I feel like I was going to cry for the sadness of it all . The article was well written . If you have never interacted beyond greeting a person with AD , you would learn something . The woman was professional , former nurse , in the health care biz management . She had just retired , and clearly had health care insurance and enough money to keep living in New York City . She had a loving child and a supportive spouse . She found lots of resources in Manhattan . When one counselor suggested something she thought was absurd ( fake it and don 't tell anyone ) , she immediately stopped seeing her and found someone else . There was some insight into how AD impacted her . What she could and could not do , how it progressed from early stages to mid - stages . Some of the stories were ones I had lived . Others she seemed to be doing far better than my mother ever did . And there were none of the really horrible stories , like when my mother was wandering around in the middle of dangerous parts of the city with everyone frantic and the police looking for her . Or when my mother went through angry phase and bit a nurse and hurled the most vile and hurtful insults at me and my sister : " I can 't believe I carried something as horrible as you in my womb for even a month , let alone nine " . In retrospect , my mother was angry and mean , but very creative at this time . The NYT story recommend a good book : The 36 - Hour Day by Mace & Rabins . If you are taking care of , or even just interacting with someone who takes care of an AD patient , this is an excellent book . I just had no emotional resonance with this piece . It 's not that I don 't enjoy other people 's stories about surviving academia , science , toxic labs , evil department chairs , etc etc . But this did not move me . I read the book Still Alice by Lisa Genova and cried through large swaths of it . I felt the book had captured the voice of someone losing their cognition , their mind , their self . In part , I know its because my Mom is far beyond this stage . And I see women , every week , in my mother 's unit , who are at all the stages described in this story . And every week , or 2 or 3 times a week , I cry when I leave my mother . I cry for the waste of life , for the mental debilitation , for the loneliness of these women . Whether or not they have family and people visiting , and holding their hands and them , this disease makes these people cruelly alone . Feb 15 2016 Published by potnia theron under Alzheimer 's disease , dementia My mother is dying . She is dying , surely as the Chicago Cubs will fail to win the World Series , again ( apologies to JKR ) . But she is dying very slowly . At times this is less painful . I can forget she is dying when she seems to be the same week after week . She turned 90 already this year , the first baby born in Passaic , NJ 90 years ago . But sometimes her dying is much more real and now and present for me . This week , the hospice people called to tell me that she had an " incident " . This , by the way , is her second go round with hospice . She was " on hospice " as they say , about five years ago , but got kicked off because she wasn 't dying fast enough . No one believes she is not going to die , not me , not my sister or brother , or any of her aging friends . But she is taking her time about it . When they called me , in the middle of the day about the " incident " , I said " do I need to come right now ? " . Coming right away is a 20 - 30 min drive . When I moved to almost - MRU in the heartland of this country , I moved my mother with me , away from the city where she had lived for for over 50 years . No one else cared . My father was gone , and my brother and sister too busy with their lives to think that making sure she was in the same place as one of us was something important . No , said the nurse , she is doing OK . She perked up and ate something and drank something and we have her on oxygen and that seems to help . What , I said , is hospice 's view on using oxygen ? My sister and I had already agreed on no trips to the hospital , no IV lines , not only nothing heroic , pretty much nothing except that which makes her comfortable , and as happy as she can be . Hospice , the nurse said , thinks oxygen is a family decision . Oh crap , I thought . I do not want to be making decisions . But , the nurse said , oxygen doesn 't extend anyone 's life , it will just keep her comfortable . Until , of course , I thought , she pulls the cannula off her face . One of our favorite ( mine , my sister 's , my father 's , who was alive at the time ) stories about my mother and her dementia was a time she was in patient at the Very World Famous MRU hospital , where both of us taught . She was in to get her meds adjusted , as she had bit a nurse in the facility where she was living . I am sure the nurse did something . People with dementia lose executive function , that psychologic construct that keeps us from telling our department chairs that they are a jerkoff asshole to their face . My mother wasn 't inherently mean or nasty , but she knew what she did and did not want . She just didn 't have a good way of expressing it , and lacked the executive function to understand what would be an acceptable way of expressing it . During this hospital stay , a young phlebotomist tried to take blood from my Mom , without much success . As I watched him try for the fourth time , my Mom grabbed the needle and tried to stab him and said " see how you like this shit " . For the record , when intact , my mother never cursed and objected strongly to my , er , colorful language . " Potnia , darling , academics just don 't talk that way " . It wasn 't about how women talk , but about how scholars talk . Back to last week . When I did get to my Mom , about an hour later , she was fine . I notice the oxygen tank had run out , but she was alert and chattering in her dementia - talk , and had two bowls of ice cream . Since then I 've seen her twice , and she is doing as well as anyone who no longer has either language or speech , but some voice . My sister says she 's got at least 9 lives , I think it 's a near - infinite supply . I go on watching , and waiting . She goes on eating ice cream . And we both know that Alzheimer 's is an ugly ugly disease . It got me started thinking again about my mother . Not that I needed much prompting . She is not far from near the top of my thoughts , and I see her frequently . Here is what I wrote about her and her Alzheimer 's disease . As I have said , my mother was a powerful figure for me . But we did not get along when I was younger . Was she a good mother ? How can anyone know ? She fought against the legacy of her background of poverty and neglect , and tried to be a much better mother to me and my sibs than her mother was to her and her sibs . Both of her sibs ended up being alcoholics , although neither of their parents was . She fought against all of this to establish a different life for her , and for her children . Part of why I write what I do is because she moves me so powerfully . There is no question that she supported me in my quest to be a scientist in a way that still blinds me with her love . There is no question that I would not be who I am , that I would not have succeeded in my career without her . She was a brilliant researcher in her own right , establishing a now flourishing field at a time when people laughed at the idea of such a discipline . There is part of me that really , so very much , wants to talk about that . I want to link to her important publications and show what she did . But I can 't , not and maintain my Potnia - identity , which makes me sad . But there is something beyond that sadness in this decision . Now , you need to take my word on who my mother was . It forces me to find the words to convey her to you without falling back on the specifics of what she did . The latter is science - the data of what she did and how she did it when she did it . That would convince you . But would it convey the emotions of what I feel ? What you begin to know my mother from that ? What I am doing is the former , finding the words . This is the power of literature . My haiku , dashed off in a minute needs editing . There are syllables I would tweak , words I would move . I 'm not making a claim for great literature . But if I try to write and show and bring my mother to life with words , is it not more powerful ? Is it not a better tribute to her this way ? May 21 2015 Published by potnia theron under Alzheimer 's disease , dementia , Uncategorized Part of what is hard about Alzheimer 's is the feeling that it is changing who one is . There was a long article this past Sunday in the NYTimes magazine about Sandy Bem , a psychologist with AD who decided to kill herself . She knew what was going on and had made the decision when she was cognitively intact . The story is powerful , in part because Bem was a powerful person , in part because of the story and in part because of the excellent writing of Robin Marantz Henig . The story included swathes of her ( relevant ) life , including this passage which resonated with me : The story is not just about a woman making a hard decision . It is about this woman in the life she lived making a hard decision . Sandy Bem was a professor , and became a clinician late in life . She was a psychologist and knew about cognition and its changes over the lifespan . At times it seems the decision was easy , and then Henig gives us the consequences to family as Bem 's disease progresses . One of the quotes from the article that I found compelling concerned her ex - husband , who became one of her strongest sources of support as she got worse : This quote is really about Bem , and her acceptance of the changes the disease brought to her . Nobody wants AD , but she was willing to look it in the face and make decisions about what happens next and how to navigate her changed life . Sandy Bem lived a powerful life , making hard choices < cue up quote about making hard choices from Anne Bancroft in G . I . Jane . As my friend Maye says : there is a quote for every life situation from GI Jane > . The article , to me , was about living ( and ending ) life on your own terms , by your own choice . That is such a hard thing to do . It is so easy to find blame , but I found not a drop of self - pity in Bem . < cue up 2nd GI Jane quote about self - pity > . Sandy Bem falls between me and my mother in age . My mother is end stage Alzheimer 's and is well beyond the place where Sandy Bem decided to end her life . My mother never could have made the decision that Bem did . She was in absolute denial about things going wrong . My mother was smart and articulate and spent years pretending nothing was wrong . She never would or could have chosen to commit suicide . When intact she would have kept hoping for a cure until it was too late to make the choice that Bem did . And even now , with very little cognitive ability left and her dignity rapidly vanishing , I am not sure that my mother - then would want my mother - now to chose death . Part of what is hard about Alzheimer 's is the feeling that it is changing who one is . I write " my mother - then " with unease . One of my sibs has totally abandoned my mother . He has not seen her in years , does not communicate with me to find out how she is , what she needs , what she was like this week . To him , his mother is dead and gone and there is someone else in her place . I try to think of this as a continuum . Just as any of us is not the person we were when were 2 let alone 12 , my mother is not the person she was at 70 or even 80 when she could have made the choices that Sandy Bem did . There is still a person inside the husk that bears my mother 's name . But I am uneasy . I do not know how you judge what this person in front of me wants . I am the one who is making the hard decisions , not the person who the decisions impact . I will try to chose , and to feel no self - pity as I watch my mother disintegrate . Mar 01 2015 Published by potnia theron under Alzheimer 's disease , dementia , life , parents Ann Patchett is an author whose novels I find compelling . Her novel State of Wonder does a good a job of capturing some the joy and a wonder of field work . The novel is set in South America , and I did field work in SE Asia , but the novel held me . She has a column in Sundays NYTimes called " Finding Joy in My Father 's Death " . I love her writing , the stories she tells . I love that she can pull me into what she is thinking . But now , as my mother is very very slowly dying of Alzheimer 's disease , I do not want to read other people 's views . There is a lot of talk about AD right now , given the academy awards , and I find that I turn the radio off . I don 't want to know more about it . I feel like I know everything I want to know , need to know , except how much longer will my mother live ? How hard is this going to be for me and my sister ? How much more indignity will this wonderful brilliant woman have before she finally shuffles off her mortal coil ? " What if you 've thrown a dinner party , " I said . " And at 11 o ' clock your guests got up to leave . The dishes were still on the table , the pans were in the sink , you had to go to work in the morning , but the guests just kept standing in the open door saying good night . They tell you another story , praise your cooking , go back to look for their gloves . They do this for three years . " Please don 't say , but this is your mother , not a house guest . Please don 't say , but this is a life , not a dinner party . The person who my mother was , professor and brilliant do - er of cross - word puzzles and reader of murder mysteries and knitter of gorgeous sweaters is gone . There is someone there . Someone who is contiguous with her . Someone who sometimes looks like her , but not always . The woman with whom I fought and argued , the woman who hurt me and who I surely hurt in return , is not the woman I visit and feed and comfort . There is very little left of my mother . There are still things in which , I believe , I think , I hope , she takes joy : ice cream , a hand to hold . Why think ? There is no language left , no expression or communication . I do not know what she sees , I do not know that we understand how AD interferes with the signals from eyes to brain . I do not know how to end this blog post . Hopeful ? " And as long as there is a person there , I am still her daughter , and I will still care for her " ? or coldly realistic ? " She has certainly taken years at the door to leave the party and it is painful and hard and cruel " . Both are true . I have no idea what I will feel when she is gone . Hell , I don 't know what I feel right now . The world is not a fair place , to old people dying slowing or to young people figuring it out . I 've been there . My father died about 4 years ago at the age of 91 and a half . As he used to say , the half is very important to the old and the young . My mother is still alive , in end stage Alzheimer 's and just turned 89 . She is in a place where she is safe , and well cared for . I could not take care of someone who need 24 hr care . But getting to this point was hard . I did most of the work , and spent long hours resenting my brother and sister . I lived near my parents , my sibs did not . In fact , I took a job nearer to my parents ( lots of other reasons to , but this was one ) about 10 years before my father died , at the point when it was clear my mother had dementia . In the beginning my sibs would tell me what to do , and that precipitated problems . In the beginning my parents were resentful and difficult and told me what to do . That also caused problems . I 've got sad stories and funny stories and painful stories . I did a huge amount for them ( and still do for my mother ) . I did not get much in the way of thanks , appreciation or even acknowledgement . I made some hard choices , and as a result a number of things in my life were very different . But what I absolutely do not have is any regrets . But the end of my parent 's life was far , far better because of what I did . It is easy to be good to little children when they are cute and charming . Old people are never charming the way children are . It is easy to help a friend when its someone who will help you , or someone with whom you have an ongoing relationship . But even if you love your parents , even if your childhood was not difficult and fraught with stuff you Don 't Want To Talk About , it is much harder . If you parents are not sweet , kindly grandparents , but nasty and irascible , it becomes much hard to do anything , to go out of your way , let alone keep your temper . But still , you have to get up with yourself in the morning . Live your life without regrets . 2 responses so far Dreams and Mothers Part of that power was to make me think about lost children and lost mothers . No , not think , feel . I 've written some about my mother , who was a powerful mentor to me from when I first thought I wanted to be a scientist . Aside 1 : here is a difference between a boomer & a younger : My instinct is to say " when thought I wanted to be . . . " and my junior colleagues would say " when I knew I was going to be . . . " . Moving on . My mother has end - stage Alzheimer 's disease . When I moved to my new almost - MRU , I brought her with me . I had taken my last job at the old - MRU to be in the same city as my parents at the ends of their lives . My mother now needs 24 - care , and I am extremely lucky that she saved enough money for this wretched end of life . Aside 2 : anyone struggling with this issue who would like advice and suggestions based on my history , email me , we can talk . Right now , my mother is not the person who mentored me , fought with me , and over the years said many hurtful things . The person she is now is a different person . This is very hard for my sibs to understand , and they seldom visit her any more . It 's not entirely wretched . She has a little speech , but no language . She cannot feed herself but she loves ice cream . She smiles at me , sometimes . She gets angry , still . And she will occasionally kiss me , though she gets kissing and eating mixed up sometimes . And once when I laid my head down on her shoulder and started crying , she put her arms around me and made soothing noises . One memory of her , of something that infuriated me at the time . Earlier in her disease , she 'd have no time sense and call at all hours . She went through a couple of months where she 'd call in the middle of the night and ask about the " little ones " or " my small ones " . Sometimes she would be in a panic , not knowing where they were . I learned to say " Mom , I have the little ones . They are with me tonight . They are sleeping but they love you " . Sometimes she would ask " are they safe ? " . Sometimes , she would say " that 's good " and then just hang up . Now I hold onto this memory like a worn - out good luck charm . I am friends with some of her friends , now in their 90 's . Women of that generation at any MRU all knew each other . Most are sharp and insightful and a joy to talk with . They tell me stories about my Mom , and often those stories will trigger dreams . In my dreams my mother is intact , and talks to me . We fight a lot , which we did before . But she 's there . She 's talking to me . And that is enough . |
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