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Give me a joke. | Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom ? Captain: Well it could have been worse. Manager: How ? Captain: There could have been more teams in the league ! |
Make me laugh with a joke. | My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason) |
I want to hear a joke. | What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white? A Penguin rolling down a hill What's black and white and laughing? The penguin who pushed him |
Tell me a joke. | What does it take to claim the world record for 'most blowjobs in one hour? You need to be able to blow a lot of guys in quick suck session. ^^^yeah ^^^I ^^^know ^^^it's ^^^lame |
Any good jokes? | How many social justice warriors does it take to change a lightbulb? Twelve, one to change it and the other eleven to start a support group called "recovering from the darkness" |
Tell me a joke. | My Son's #1 Concern When my three-year-old was told to pee in a cup at the doctor's office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With a shaking voice, he asked, "Do I have to drink it?" |
Tell me a joke. | A priest asks a little girl what she knows about the resurrection She says "I don't know much other than that if it lasts for more than four hours then you should call a doctor" |
Can you share a joke? | It's the little differences that can be the most important. For example, the difference between getting laid at your high-school reunion and getting laid at your family reunion. |
Tell me a joke. | My girlfriend said to me "as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you" and I said "let's make one thing absolutely clear..." "My mother was never a young boy." Tim Vine |
Any good jokes? | A girl told me she liked teasing So we went into the bedroom and I told her that she had a weird, misshapen nose and she suddenly started crying. Women and their mixed messages. |
Got any jokes? | I just got off the phone with a charity that wanted my old clothes for folks starving in Africa. Well, I think it is a scam. Anyone that can wear my clothes sure ain't starving. |
Give me a joke. | Why did the chicken cross the road? FUCK, MY CHICKEN'S IN THE ROAD? WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU DO SOMETHING?! JESUS CHRIST, HE COULD GET RAN THE FUCK OVER! YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT!! |
Got any jokes? | How to catch a polar bear: Step 1: cut a hole in the ice. Step 2: set a can of peas opened and in front of it. Step 3: When the bear comes to take a pea kick it in the ice hole. |
Give me a joke. | A girl just broke up with her friend The guy deserved it. He loved her more than anything, but still he treated her really badly. He really was a dick' to her. (addicted to her) |
Any good jokes? | Son, do we have any dop Ted? son: what's a "dop Ted"? dad: you are, you are adopted!! son: ... Nice one dad. dad: I'm not your dad. (Dad joke at its finest, credit: Kris Wilson) |
Give me a joke. | I don't know why there has been all this hate lately about trophy hunting exotic animals... As a guy, on a couple of drunken nights I have slayed a few elephants... and a whale. |
What's a funny joke you know? | SMS from my girl: If ur sleeping, send me ur dreams; if ur laughing, send me ur smile; if ur crying, send me ur tears. Response: Honey I'm shitting, should I send you something? |
Can you share a joke? | What letter do pirates guess most often on Wheel of Fortune? T. Modern pirates are most likely based in Somalia, and T is the most common consonant in the Somali Latin alphabet. |
Give me a joke. | A blonde and a burnette are on opposite sides of a river... The burnette yells to the blonde "how do I get to the other side?" The blonde yells back "you are on the other side!" |
Tell me a joke. | Ive got an idea for a Halloween party costume... I'll go only in my pants so when people ask what I'm whereing I'll say, " Im premature ejaculation, so I just came in my pants." |
Can you share a joke? | It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines... They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension. |
Tell me a joke. | (ROGUE ONE SPOILER) So the nickname... Throughout the movie, you see Galen calls Jyn his stardust, I thought it was pretty cute. I just didn't expect it to be so literal though. |
Can you share a joke? | With all the racism talk going around I thought I would do my part to put a stop to it. I am no longer going to use the word "Vinegar" at work because it sounds slightly racist. |
What's a funny joke you know? | What does a girl want more than anything in the world? Nothing. She's fine. Edit: Wow guys. Thanks so much for the upvotes, the hilarious comments and I finally got my 1st gold! |
Do you know any jokes? | What do you call a Psychic Compromise? A Happy Medium. Sorry, a played around with the wording of this a lot and couldn't find anything better. Please suggest a better phrasing. |
Make me laugh with a joke. | So a UKIP Councillor says God... is punishing the UK with floods cos of the gays. If my sex life effected the weather so much, why aren't we going through a long long dry spell? |
Got any jokes? | At my last checkup the doctor said he needed a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample ... ... I said " Doc, I can speed this along - I'll just leave you my underwear !" |
I want to hear a joke. | Doctor and patient Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine." |
Do you know any jokes? | Every time I read news about ISS Im like what did ISIS do this time... half way through the article... how the hell did they get to space. Oh wait damn you dyslexia!! edit: joke |
What's a funny joke you know? | How many post-minimalists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. On e to he lp with t he he lp with one two with and the oth there to {}}}}}}}}}}}}} and th e to two with lp he |
I want to hear a joke. | A nervous mountaineer looks at the steep mountain... Which his guide had proposed to climb. - Do people tumble down often here? - No, the guide said, one time is usually enough. |
Do you know any jokes? | Saw a black guy walking the streets carrying a tv and I thought "is that one mine"?... ... then I remembered it couldn't be mine because mine was mowing the lawn at the moment. |
Give me a joke. | I swapped my wife's parachute around with her backpack. Now when the bitch goes on her stupid camping holiday, all she will have is a parachute. *copypaste from sickipedia.org* |
Share a funny joke. | Bob the Builder sacked! The BBC have announced that Bob The Builder has been sacked.. They say they can no longer trust any children's Tv star who claims to be able to fix it!! |
Tell me a joke. | You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking. Stupid mosquitoes! |
Share a funny joke. | Heard this while at a Canadian airport. Lady: We're going to the states for a few days. Oldman: I wouldn't do that if I were you. Lady: Why not? Oldman: It's full of Americans. |
Can you share a joke? | How do you know a chinese thief has broken into your house? All of your rice is gone, your computer is fixed, and the mother fucker is still trying to back out of the driveway. |
Any good jokes? | Man walks in on his son A man walks in on his son masturbating, and gets really mad "Hey, save that for when you are older!" By the time the kid was 18, he had three jars full. |
Share a funny joke. | Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the gay guys house. (awkward silence) knock knock. (who's there?) The chicken. Feel free to try on your friends, its a good laugh. |
Share a funny joke. | A grasshopper walks into a bar So the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" To which the grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Steve?" |
I want to hear a joke. | Why being called handsome is an insult When you have a 3 way, it's called a threesome When you have a 2 way, it's called a twosome When you have a 1 way, it's called a handsome |
Share a funny joke. | The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day. Wife: "Windows frozen." Husband: "Pour some warm water over them." Wife: "Computer completely screwed up now." |
Make me laugh with a joke. | I see a border patrol car drive by... So I ask my mexican co-woker if he has his visa. He looks at me cofused for a minute then says "no no I only have debit card" (true story) |
Can you share a joke? | God wants to redesign.. God asks wives: I want to redesign men with new hi tech features. Any suggestions?? Women: Yes, that joy stick made for us should be password protected. |
What's a funny joke you know? | We got your viagra A man walks into a pharmacy to pick up some prescription drugs. The pharmacist says: "oh, we got your viagra!" The man replies: "I don't give a fuck anymore" |
Got any jokes? | A spinoff of Zootopia would have lampooned any people from a certain fandom who drew NSFW pictures of the two leads and shipped them. Alas, *Furry Vengeance* was already taken. |
What's a funny joke you know? | So a guy goes to a bratwurst convention... So a guy goes to a bratwurst convention hoping to pick up some chicks. He went home alone though; the place was a total sausage fest. |
Share a funny joke. | Teacher and Student Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: Who just threw that? Boy: Me and I'm going home now. |
I want to hear a joke. | Did you hear the one.... Did you hear the one about the dad who told his son if you masterbate too much you'll go blind. The son looks at his dad and says, "Dad I'm over here!" |
Tell me a joke. | [VERY RACIST-NSFW] So they get married... So a nigger and a Mexican get married, and both sets of their parents are afraid... THAT THEIR GRANDCHILDREN WILL BE TOO LAZY TO STEAL |
Make me laugh with a joke. | A drunk stumbles out of the bar, sees a nun on the sidewalk and pops her one right in the nose... while she's on the ground crying, he says,"Not so tough now, are you, Batman?" |
Make me laugh with a joke. | You're the bomb A Muslim walks into an airport wearing the flashiest clothes, he meets a friend who shouts at him you're the bomb. Everyone sets of sprinting in all directions. |
Make me laugh with a joke. | A mafia nursery rhyme the cat goes meow. the cow goes moo! The dog goes woof, and that fucking stool pigeon Anthony better shut up before I have him take his final fucking bow. |
Got any jokes? | Do not be racist; be like Mario He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew! |
Tell me a joke. | I think it's bullcrap how Miley Cyrus can get naked, lick a sledge hammer, and people call it "art" and "music". Yet when I do it, I'm "wasted" and " have to leave Home Depot". |
Do you know any jokes? | Two polacks are driving in a car The driver: Stick your head out the window and see if my directional is working. Is it on?" The passenger:" Uh yep. nope. yep. nope. yep. nope" |
Give me a joke. | I hired an old German plumber when remodeling my apartment He was a great guy, very reliable and thorough. But it seems old habits die hard. He connected gas main to my shower. |
Make me laugh with a joke. | It is said that the Welsh were the first to use condoms, by making them out of sheep intestines. But the English perfected this technique by removing them from the sheep first. |
What's a funny joke you know? | What's the opposite of quantum physics? Logic. (If you don't like physics jokes, just keep movin') ...(if you don't like math jokes, trust me, sometimes it makes a difference). |
What's a funny joke you know? | Dogs playing poker Why are dogs bad at poker? Because they wag their tails whenever they have a good hand. Why did John's dog win the poker tournament? Because he's a Doberman. |
Tell me a joke. | Something my friend said during our darkest hour of finals cramming I'm wearing my Seahawks jersey to the exam tomorrow. That way I'll pass even though we all know I shouldn't. |
Tell me a joke. | A Rich man sent a medicine shipment to Somalia Once it reached the Airport inspection, Customs rejected it and sent it back; the instructions on the medicines said : after meal |
Do you know any jokes? | Bitty and Belly are sitting on the sidewalk A Mercedes drives by and its horn plays a familiar melody. Bitty asks, "Is that from a movie?" Belly replies, "No, it's a car tune." |
What's a funny joke you know? | Sometimes when I play a game on my computer, the screen goes dark and I see my own reflection in the screen and wonder what I am doin with my life ..then the next level starts. |
Give me a joke. | A bit rapey.. The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from. |
Got any jokes? | A logician's wife is having a baby The doctor hands the newborn immediately to the Father. His wife asks impatiently: "well, is it a boy or a girl?" The logician replies: "yes" |
Any good jokes? | When my girlfriend and I decided to make it official, I told her: I have to tell you, before we met, I was... well...promiscuous. Oh cool she exclaimed. I love Greek mythology. |
What's a funny joke you know? | A kid was born without eye lids, so they used the spare skin from his circumcision to form some. Everything turned out fine, except... the doctor said he was a little cockeyed. |
Can you share a joke? | Who's up for some conundrum? What's the difference between a dwarf who digs for ore and an ogre who waits too long in a classy restaurant? credit: the late, great Dave Trampier |
I want to hear a joke. | Wife: "What are you doing?" Husband : Nothing. Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date." |
Tell me a joke. | Two muffins are baking in an oven ... And one muffin turns to the other one and says, "Wow, it's pretty darn hot in here." The other muffin says, "Holy shit! A talking muffin!" |
Tell me a joke. | How many ducks would there be if you saw two ducks in front of two ducks two ducks between two ducks and two ducks behind two ducks? Answer: 4 ducks-because they are in a row. |
I want to hear a joke. | Blue Elephant How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a white elephant? Choke it until it becomes blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun. |
Make me laugh with a joke. | Canadian and a American watching a movie Canadian: Lets watch a movie. American: Have you seen Titanic? Canadian: What's that about? American: Yes, it was. A big one that sank. |
Give me a joke. | Why was 6 afraid of 7? 1:"Why was 6 afraid of 7?" 2:"Because 7 ate 9" 1:"Ah very good, but why doesn't it matter?" 2:...I don't know 1:"because 6, 7 ate. 6 was already a goner" |
Share a funny joke. | My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog. She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"* |
Any good jokes? | I ran into Harambe for the first time in a while last night, so we decided to go get a drink. Bartender: what'll you have? Harambe: I'll have a beer. Me: no, he'll have a shot. |
Give me a joke. | How to not be racist Be like Mario! He's made by the japanese, he is an italian plumber, looks like a mexican, runs and jumps like a black man and grabs coins as fast as a Jew! |
Any good jokes? | Nobody thinks my march madness bracket will win I just can't see why people would dismiss a team that beat professional organizations last year. I say Golden State all the way. |
I want to hear a joke. | Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away? 1) Get away or I'll call the police!!! 2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children. |
Do you know any jokes? | How do you know if someone has a Samsung phone without asking? Don't worry, they've already told you the superior qualities it has over all the other smart phones by this time. |
What's a funny joke you know? | Why is the media making such a big deal about the olympic swimmer's period? It's a perfectly normal female body function that, according to my wife, occurs 2-3 times per month. |
Do you know any jokes? | Why No 1 likes Apple So there are some people in an electronics store and the computers are just Apple. Then someone farts and its bad,but someone says 2 bad there's no Windows |
Make me laugh with a joke. | "Donald says he wants to run for President and move on into the White House... ...why not; it wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home" -Snoop Dogg |
Give me a joke. | Kate Upton Nightmare... "Hey, last night I had a nightmare, I dreamed I was Kate Upton's new born baby, but I was bottle fed... ... [I know it's soggy, but it made me laugh...] |
Any good jokes? | Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a plane crash, who survives? No one, the was a major gas leak, and someone lit a match, and the plane exploded, killing everyone inside. |
What's a funny joke you know? | [NSFW] What is the best engine ever made in this world? A vagina! 1. It takes any size pistons. 2. It auto lubricates itself 3. every 28 days it performs automatic oil changes. |
I want to hear a joke. | My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. . . My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?" |
Share a funny joke. | A man goes to the doctors for a physical. The doctor says "you have to stop masturbating" The man replies "why?" The doctor responds "because I'm trying to give you a physical" |
Make me laugh with a joke. | Death Joke "My grandfather knew the exact time of the exact day of the exact year that he would die." "Wow, what an evolved soul! How did it come to him?" "The judge told him." |
Got any jokes? | Every Canadian child goes to sleep with a plush toy of the current Prime Minister to keep them safe. Justin Trudeau was elected because Stephen Harper was scaring the children. |
I want to hear a joke. | "Do you want to see a nice clock?" I said, lowering my trousers, "That's not a clock!" She exclaimed when she saw my dick... It will be when you put two hands and a face on it! |
Got any jokes? | The Mob Hey, guess who has both thumbs and owes money to mafia. *Gestures towards self with thumbs* *Puts on a serious face* No one has both thumbs and owes money to the mafia. |
Do you know any jokes? | Somebody told me I need to give my new Smart Car a name. So I called it 'Octomom' because even though I can technically fit 8 people in there, it doesn't mean it's a good idea. |
Can you share a joke? | The Fifa president, secretary general and communications director are all travelling in a car. Who's driving? The police. Not mine: http://www.bbc.com/sport/0/football/33099881 |
Make me laugh with a joke. | Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Six. One to screw in the lightbulb and five to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience. |
Share a funny joke. | I always suspected that Matthew McConaughey was a rebel. That suspicion was confirmed when I saw what he wore every single day after Labor Day. All white, all white, all white. |
I want to hear a joke. | Parrot A black guy walks in to a bar with a parrot on his shoulder the bar tender asks " he's beautiful where did you get him" the parrot squaks " Africa theres plenty of them" |
Can you share a joke? | A Dirty Limerick (NSFW) There once was a girl named Betty, That said that she loved confetti, So I shot my man-goo, Through a fan where it blew, And sprayed her white as a yeti |
Can you share a joke? | A pirate is never late.... (x-post from Funny) A pirate is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to. Although admittedly drunk, on fire and uninvited. |
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