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Can you share a joke? | I went to a library... and asked the librarian if they had a book on Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat. She said, "Well it rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's there or not." |
Do you know any jokes? | I was walking through the mall... I was walking through the mall, when I noticed this mannequin giving me a filthy look. I went over and decked the cunt and said "Fucking poser" |
Tell me a joke. | The wife said she's leaving me because she's sick of doing absolutely EVERYTHING for me. If you're wondering why she's typed everything' in capitals,it's to emphasize the point. |
Do you know any jokes? | Did you hear about the classical pianist who was not a good speller? When she went out to buy something she left a sign on her door that said: "Out Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet" |
Got any jokes? | a muslim, a jew, a christian and an atheist walk into a coffee shop... and they talk, laugh, drink coffee and become good friends. thats what happens when you're not an asshole. |
I want to hear a joke. | Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad: "Hmm. You are my son. Of that, I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential." |
Do you know any jokes? | how i look like Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree. Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella. Walnut: I look exactly like a brain. Banana: Man, can we change the topic please? |
I want to hear a joke. | They say people couldn't have everything because they don't have enough space to put it, I say 'everything' includes a bag with infinite space so I can put everything in easily. |
Share a funny joke. | A group of deer... .. go to a party. The next day, one deer says to the other "Wow, that was a pretty crazy party." the other deer replies, "You're telling me. I blew 50 bucks!" |
I want to hear a joke. | 3 women went to a bar... And they wanted to know how lose they are.. * The first one slid in a hotdog * The second slid in a cucumber * And the third one went down the bar stool |
Any good jokes? | My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours. I said, "Why are you so upset? It's just hair. I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend." |
I want to hear a joke. | The perfect Irish bean stew (In an Irish accent) Why does d' perfect Irish stew require exactly two hundred n' terty nine beans? Because if you added one more it'd be two farty. |
Make me laugh with a joke. | Its Valentines Day...If u r married go & kiss your wife or husband , if u have a gfbf ..do the same ..n if u r single, kiss the ground and thank GOD !! =)). HAPPY VALENTINES DAY |
Tell me a joke. | All Condoms have serial numbers on them- They do? I've never seen one- Yeah, C'mon, you know..Big numbers...at the...Oh... I guess you've never had to roll one back that far.... |
Any good jokes? | A Buddhist monk was on the streets of New York and he stopped at a hotdog stand. The vendor asks, "what would you like on it?" to which he replied,"Make me one with everything". |
Make me laugh with a joke. | Why isn't there a Windows 9? "Hey Microsoft, why is there no Windows 9? You've given us 7 and 8, and now you're skipping straight to 10?" "Well, to be completely honest, 7 8 9." |
Can you share a joke? | What I admire about England I'm a Malaysian man,and I went to England for my 2 weeks vacation.What surprise me,the kid in England,5-7 years old,already know how to speak English |
Do you know any jokes? | In honor of Nelson Mandela Day Someone opened up a tire shop down the road from where I live and named it after the late Nelson Mandela. They named it "Mandela's Apartires R Us" |
Share a funny joke. | Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital. Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend. |
Tell me a joke. | In Britain you can make a bet on anything, and some canny punters bet on the result of the Brexit vote being `Leave'. Unfortunately, they had to accept their winnings in pounds. |
What's a funny joke you know? | How do you make a cat sound like a dog? Pour gasoline on it and set it on fire : WOOF! How do you make a dog sound like a cat? Freeze it and put it thru a table saw: meeeeooooow |
Can you share a joke? | My Vietnamese roommate is moving to Vegas (giving me a place to crash in Vegas), and leaving behind a full bedroom set for free... This is a real Nguyen-Nguyen situation for me. |
Share a funny joke. | Yo, Hillary, I'm really happy for you, and I'ma let you finish... ...but the World Trade Centre had one of the best collapses of all time! One of the best collapses of all time! |
Do you know any jokes? | Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said "You're a lot like a math exam." I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?" She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian." |
Tell me a joke. | John buys binoculars and shows it to Bob. "Bob, this is the coolest thing ever. Last night I saw you doing you wife" You can return it, it's broken. Last night I was out of town |
What's a funny joke you know? | A pirate walks into a bar... With a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender says, "hey what's with the steering wheel?" and the pirate says, "Arrgghhh.... it drives me nuts." |
Tell me a joke. | Thanks Grandpa My grandfather always said, 'Don't watch your money; watch your health.' So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. |
What's a funny joke you know? | There once was a man from Trent.. There once was a man from Trent. His cock was so long, it bent. When he was in trouble, he tucked it in double. So instead of cumming, he went. |
I want to hear a joke. | fur coat daughter tells mom who wears a fur coat daughter: did you know that your fur coat is a result of suffering of an animal? mom: you shouldn't talk about your dad that way |
Got any jokes? | Wife:Stop watching porn Wife: (shouting) Stop watching porn, I can hear it in the kitchen . . . . . Husband: . . . . I'm not, it's Sharapova vs Serena... I'm watching tennis.... |
Any good jokes? | How many IT people does it take to change a light bulb? They don't have to change the light bulb, they buy LED's.....My first original joke submitted to reddit! Hope you like :) |
Make me laugh with a joke. | Mr. Wong and Ms. Chin get married and have a baby. The baby comes out white. Being a little confused, Mr. Wong asks the doctor about this. Doctor says, "Two wongs make a white". |
Give me a joke. | Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour? This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone. I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though. |
Tell me a joke. | I like my mashed potatoes like I like my babies smothered - thought of this while making dinner and discussing having children with my fiance... I don't think I'm ready for kids |
Give me a joke. | I recently went to my doctor for a physical... Doctor: "Everything looks fine but you need to stop masturbating". Me: "Why?" Doctor: "Because I'm trying to give you a physical". |
Tell me a joke. | Hitler says... "I order the execution of 6 million Jews and 1 clown!" His officer responds with "Why the clown?" To which Hitler replies with "See! No one cares about the Jews!" |
I want to hear a joke. | I live in the United States. Upon taking some classes in France I notice a gorgeous bombshell pass me. I check her out hard. I guess you could say I was really studying a broad. |
Do you know any jokes? | Did you here about the dead whale that washed up onshore? Apparently it had HIV..........................................Biologists think it may have been rear-ended by a ferry. |
Any good jokes? | How do you know you've been burgled by asians? You come home to find your math homework was done, your computer was upgraded, and they're still trying to back down the driveway. |
Any good jokes? | Man comes home to find his wife in bed with another man. The husband came back with a gun and shot the man in bed. The wife replied "this is why you don't have anymore friends." |
Give me a joke. | A hiring manager had a stack of resumes, took half, and threw them in the trash... Coworker asks, "what are you doing!?!" HR Manager said, "I don't like to hire unlucky people." |
Tell me a joke. | Limericks eh? There once was a student named Clouse Who proclaimed to the boys of his house I will take a firm stand That a tit in the hand Is much better than two in the blouse |
Share a funny joke. | Two Policemen Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site." |
Any good jokes? | I was down the gym this morning, when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in... ...Anyway, she's now made a formal complaint and I'm barred for life. |
Give me a joke. | I didn't let my st-st-stutter stop me from achieving my dream career I'm a door-to-door salesman. I sell "No Soliciting" signs. The more I st-st-stutter the more I seem to sell. |
Got any jokes? | What's the difference between a vegan, a crossfit instructor, and a psychological test subject? The test subject is the only one you'd willingly ask to "tell us about yourself." |
Tell me a joke. | "Do you love me, Mulla?" whispered the girl. "Of course I do," Mulla Nasrudin whispered back. "Will you marry me then?" she asked. "Let's not change the subject?" said Nasrudin. |
Can you share a joke? | A Chihuahua was shopping in a mall when another shopper walked up to it and started talking. Didn't I see you on a TV commercial? How am I supposed to know what you watch on TV? |
Make me laugh with a joke. | Its going down, basement. Friday the 13th guess whos playing Jason? Tuck yourself in you better hold on to your teddy. Its Nightmare on Elm street and guess whos playing Freddy? |
Got any jokes? | Bus stop A man with three eyes, no arms and one leg is waiting at a bus stop. A bus pulls up. The driver opens the door and says, "Eye eye eye, you look armless enough, hop on!" |
Make me laugh with a joke. | A man proposes. A man goes down on his knees and proposes to her: *Marry Me... and Make me the Happiest Man in the World* Looking bewildered she replied: **You want Both !!!??** |
Any good jokes? | The Sad Life A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually. |
Do you know any jokes? | Want to learn how to keep an idiot occupied for hours? [Click here to find out!](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44z1io/want_to_learn_how_to_keep_an_idiot_occupied_for/) |
Share a funny joke. | The 'C word' My girlfriend hates it when I say the "C word". This one time, we were watching Spongebob and I'm like "hey, its 'C word'!" and shes like "it's Squidward, you cunt" |
I want to hear a joke. | Speaking of dogs... There's a dog with no hind legs, and bollocks made of steel. So, this dog is coming down the street. Do you know what is the name of the dog? . . . . Sparky! |
Tell me a joke. | Boy: Hey girl, you are ABCDEFGHIJK Girl: What?! Boy: Amazing, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, foxy, gorgeous, hot Girl: Awww, what about the IJK?? Boy: IM JUST KIDDING!!!! |
Make me laugh with a joke. | My black friend asked me... My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library. I said "What the fuck man it's, 2016, you can use whatever printer you want". |
Give me a joke. | When I asked my boss for a salary rise because I was doing the work of three men he said he couldn't increase my pay but if I told him the names of the three men he'd fire them. |
Make me laugh with a joke. | Not all of the weird sexual stuff you hear about is as good as it's cracked up to be... I mean you can tell me how great autoerotic asphyxiation is till you're blue in the face. |
Do you know any jokes? | Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says... "Eoooooooohahhhhhmmmmmmmuuuuuuaaauuu..." The second whale turns to the first and says. "Frank what the fuck is wrong with you?" |
Make me laugh with a joke. | Another off color limerick A sperm, alack and forsooth Was at it's moment of sexual truth It had hoped to fall On the womb's spongy wall But was dashed to it's death on a tooth! |
Tell me a joke. | A Scotsman and an Irish man walk into a bar And the Scotsman shouts "All the drinks are on me!" The next morning the headlines read *"Irish Ventriloquist Found Dead Behind Bar"* |
Tell me a joke. | Two elderly couple who have Alzheimers just finished having sex Male : Was it good? Female : I can't remember Male : Who are you? Sorry for the formatting sent this via my phone |
Make me laugh with a joke. | Ebola has mutated! reports are coming in that the Ebola virus has mutated and become exponentially worse, in light of this mutation the virus will be renamed the Hyperbola Virus |
Make me laugh with a joke. | In honor of 3/14... TIL the man who discovered Pi had his wife, Edith, leave him over his obsession with math. Which just goes to show you, you can't have your Pi and Edith too. |
Any good jokes? | Eddie's father called up to him 'Eddie if you don't stop playing that trumpet I think I'll go crazy!' Eddy replied 'I think you are already I stopped playing half an hour ago.' |
What's a funny joke you know? | Those who fail to learn history are doomed to repeat it... But those who fail to clear history are doomed to explain it! **Credits to Rob Denbleyker of Cyanide & Happiness** |
I want to hear a joke. | Read in a Forrest Gump voice. My mother always told me life is like a jar of jelly beans.Everbody hates the black ones. (I know this is a terrible joke, my friend told it to me. |
Share a funny joke. | An Italian and a Greek get in a fight over sex Greek: the Greeks invented sex centuries before the Italians! Italians: maybe so but we improved on it by introducing it to women! |
I want to hear a joke. | fight club I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meeting |
Tell me a joke. | Did you hear about the woman who was shot 24 times in the back?! They say she got up afterwards, putting her clothes back on, and exclaimed "Wow, your reload time is *amazing*!" |
Share a funny joke. | My wife came home one day... ... to find me doing her sister up the arse. "How could you do this to me?" she cried. I responded, "Well, I can't. That's why I'm doing it to her." |
Any good jokes? | I remember watching this excellent porno back in 2002 so I tried to find it on the internet. In hindsight, typing "14 year old porn" into Google probably wasn't my smartest idea |
Give me a joke. | Why wasn't Sarah Jessica Parker cast in "Seabiscuit"? I don't think she auditioned for the movie, or was even considered for it. And she was busy with "Sex and the City" anyway. |
Make me laugh with a joke. | I was walking in the park... ..and I saw a beautiful girl. I went up to her, spark flew, she fell at my feet and before I knew it we were having sex. God do I love my new taser. |
Do you know any jokes? | Why'd God make women pretty but dumb? They're pretty, so men will like them. They're dumb, so they will like men. Courtesy of the great movie Ip Man 3 which I watched yesterday. |
Make me laugh with a joke. | My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day... Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China." |
Can you share a joke? | So a man walks into a game shop and buys COD: Ghosts...... ...gets it home, plays it and realises it's the same as every other COD game ever. Guess that's not really a joke..... |
I want to hear a joke. | What did the blind man say to the deaf man? Nothing. Because the blind man can't fucking see him and even if he said something, the deaf man wouldn't be able to fucking hear it. |
Make me laugh with a joke. | A teenager goes in for his regular physical Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Teen: No Doctor: Do you smoke or do drugs? Teen: No. I'm also not sexually active. Doctor: Well no shit |
Tell me a joke. | A man and woman are riding up in an elevator. The man looks at the woman and says "Can I smell your pussy?" She replies "Hell no!" The man says "Well it must be your feet then." |
Do you know any jokes? | Two guys walking down the street... ...notice a dog licking his balls. The first guy say "Man, I wish I could do that." Second guy says "You should probably just pet him first." |
I want to hear a joke. | little son knows How to scare parents? Dad: "Can I see your report card, son?" Son: "I don't have it." Dad: "Why?" Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents." |
Give me a joke. | I recently told my girlfriend about removing the cookies and site data because it slows down the browser speed... Now she understands why I delete the browsing history everyday. |
What's a funny joke you know? | My Dad use to tell me this one after he went through a divorce with my mom: "Do you know how I like my coffee? I like my women like I like my coffee..." Ground up and in a bag!! |
Got any jokes? | Confessions A man goes to a priest and says : "Father i have sinned a lot lately. I hustled some money from a Jew". The priest answers :"Son that's not a sin, it's a MIRACLE ! " |
Can you share a joke? | What does a stripper do to her asshole before she goes to work? Puts the help wanted ads by the 12pack in the fridge and begs him for the millionth time to look for a job today. |
Any good jokes? | Old man Manelli is cooking a chicken on a rotisserie in his front stoop When a hippy walks by. He stops, looks up and says: "Hey man! The music stopped and your monkeys on fire" |
Any good jokes? | Man from Nantucket There once was a man from Nantucket, with a dick so long he could suck it. As he wiped off his chin he said with a grin, if my ear was a cunt I would fuck it. |
Give me a joke. | Crees que soy muy bajita? La novia pregunta al novio - Amor Crees que soy muy bajita? - Pues tienes una estatura comun. - De veras? - Si, comun-duende. jajaja que grosero verdad |
Do you know any jokes? | Funeral Emily died last week after she fell in the lake. It's a shame she never learned how to swim. We brought a life preserver to her funeral. It's what she would have wanted. |
Do you know any jokes? | What's the difference between falling 2 ft and 200 ft? 200 ft: Aaaaaaaaa, bump 2 ft: Bump, aaaaaaaaa (Yes, it's an old, really old joke. Surprisingly haven't seen it here, yet.) |
Give me a joke. | After sex last night... ...my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, "You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had". Apparently "Ditto" is not the right response. |
Got any jokes? | A second Limerick There was a young man from Nantucket, With a dick so long he could suck it, As he wiped of his chin, He said with a grin, If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it |
Make me laugh with a joke. | Thought you guys might enjoy this.. What kind of bees make milk? Boobies! Yes. It is stupid but it makes me smile. Anyone have a stupid joke like this that just makes you laugh? |
Any good jokes? | [NSFW] Doctor, doctor! Woman: Doctor, doctor! I've got three vaginas! Doctor: Well are they causing you any problems? Woman: Problems!? I'm getting fucked left right and centre! |
Tell me a joke. | How many girlfriends have you had before me? She asked casually, as she sat on the edge of my bed pretending to be interested in my Warhammer catalogue. Fucking stupid question. |
Make me laugh with a joke. | Two Nuns walking down the street...when a streaker.. Two Nuns walking down the street... when a streaker runs past, one of them had a stroke..........the other couldn't reach... |
Do you know any jokes? | During wartime, the Philippine flag is flipped upside down so the red part is on top The same thing is done with the French flag, but instead they remove the red and blue colors |
Tell me a joke. | My girlfriend just got a very interesting fortune cookie: Every exit is an entrance to a new experience' "Wow" she said, "are you thinking what I'm thinking?" I fcuking hope so. |
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