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So this assignment is sort of interesting. It's like your thoughts go faster than you think regardless of the speed at which you type. Oh, my, that guy in my keyboarding class during my 9th grade year in high school, so sad, I remember he has special assignments because he couldn't handle writing a paragraph. The teacher was lucky if she could get a sentence out of him. What was her name? . I have no idea, I remember seeing her at the mall one day during junior year, and she recognized me. Probably because I was one of the only kids who took her seriously. Poor gal, it had to be hard to be ignored like that all of the time. At least she was really sweet, so people didn't have real hate for her. Ah, the days at Hutchinson. I can't' believe my roommate is in the Longhorn Band, actually the Flags. I wonder if she will quit. She doesn't seem to have the time to devote to it. Yesterday a returning flag member quit for those reasons. I wish she wasn't so irrational. The day she said she was going to quit, and she got that jar of candy so she stayed~! What is that? Candy doesn't make you have time. Let's be a little more mature here. Get your lips ready? What. it's posted on her computer, I haven't quite figured her out yet, I don't know if I ever will. My friends seem to hate her from the stories I tell, and I'm not sure if I blame them. Ah, roommate hell, who does not' experience it. At least we aren't fighting yet. And her stupid camera. I can't' believe she complains about not having money yet she spent 300 dollars on a digital camera. So now she has something else to take up her time, learning how to use it. So so so unproductive. I wonder if she wants to study for the chemistry test together. I hope not, I don't think she is even started the homework and it's due tonight at 11, Oh, well I should stop worrying for her. I haven't looked at our fire escape plan, wonder if it's ever been used. I would imagine so with the kitchen downstairs and all, at least the building is only two stories, I guess I have a better chance of getting out this way, in case of a fire. My closet light is still on, and I want to turn it off a lot, but I shouldn't get up from the computer so I'll just keep thinking about it for the next 14 minutes, oh well, nothing I can do about it now. And on the closet light, I can't believe we had to have a sticky note up by the light switch for a week signifying which switch went to what. Cristina couldn't manage to remember that the room light was the bottom one. I guess I am just critical of her lack of comprehension and common sense. I learned where the word common sense comes from while reading the Psychology textbook. I bet if I thought about if for a second I'd remember what it was. I think it was an incorrect believe that involved the word commas. I'll look it up when I finish. I think it was in chapter one. I have managed to read so much for that class, but I'm still a little behind, only halfway through chapter four and I'm supposed to be done by 330 this afternoon, I really should read like three chapters of that this weekend, I find it fascinating and I want to read it, but my friends have been getting in the way of my studies. That's probably a bad sign. I need to get through to them that I am here to learn. Having fun just comes naturally and doesn't require the effort that learning does. I agreed with Pennebaker in the handout that you have the opportunity to be in two classes if you read the textbook, and I want to. It's like I built up the desire to learn over the summer from doing nothing, absolutely nothing. I really should have had a job. I made a total of like 200 dollars this whole summer, probably spent like 500 or more. I'm so bad about that. Hopefully I will grow out of that habit through the years of college. I haven't even written a paper in probably almost four months. I hope when I take masterworks of lit I don't have too much analytical writing to do (false hope). Sigh, candy. I really need to watch what I eat, this whole freshman fifteen will really scare a girl more than people would imagine. I am not going to let myself get all blubbidy. well it's the word that came to mind and that is what they asked for. I wonder if they analyze this crap. Like how though. It would be like measuring how many times people say I, or say something negative. ha, I'd take the cake on that one. I should work on my negativity. but that's not something that can just be changed overnight. I should just slowly work on focusing on things more bright and enjoyable. If you focus on the negative for too long you become depressed and nothing makes you happy. And I'm a little prone to that being as homesick as I am. I just miss the people. My best friends, people who's opinions of me are solidly formed and won't change overnight. Screw Paul! My stupid friend I met here who's already decided he doesn't want to be around me after being full-fledged into our friendship he tells me I'm fake and intimidating. buck up pal. my other friends agreed with me though, I really haven't changed much, he just works me up in his head and then I'm just regular old me in person and he gets himself disappointed. I hope we don't have any, or many, awkward encounters. We shouldn't. He is all into his Liberal Arts stuff. and I'll never be in that area. I love engineering for that. I don't have to take many classes in stuff that I am not good at or interested in. I don't want to sit around and think about the world and do it in the way I was taught. But I don't want to be a snotty engineer who thinks that I'm better because I'm studying math. AAAAAHHH, I hate college politics already. The Engineering Dean is really really overconfident in the school. I couldn't believe he told us we were better because our overall SAT scores were better, DUH they were better, the school doesn't have to accept ANYONE in the top 10 percent of their high school. and the rest of the university does! bah. I can't take that sort of unfounded confidence and bragging. And I think I'll encounter it in many of my peers over the next few years. That stupid closet light is driving me crazy. I want to turn it off so much and I only have to wait another three minutes. My roommate's AIM is still on, I bet her cousin, BOOBS, is thinking I'm her and trying to tease her about Enrique. I wonder if there are possibilities of this paper being deemed not stream of consciousness and me having to redo it. Maybe. I bet they take a random sample and so some people get caught turning in crap, but others don't, and that guy that pasted the manual just happened to get randomly selected. I wonder if they do the 10 percent thing, simply ten percent of the population, oooooh yeah, I learned so much in Statistics. Except I don't think I'll ever remember the details. Mrs. Perez was such a sweetheart, I hope she is doing alright. I miss my high school, for some reason I don't want to type the name of it. So awkward not knowing who is going to read this. Hopefully I won't be deemed a crazy . haha, along with the clingies, creepies, doodlers, boppers,. factoids save me. and I'm just about done, sad that I kept watching the clock the whole time.
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Okay. This is weird. I don't like assignments like this one. I'm trying to track my own thoughts and feelings; trying to be somewhat original and all I find is nothing really. Seems like deep down I am pretty reserved. Well, actually I know that I am so this is not a surprising. Anyways, there it is . nothing. Rachel just got home. She is my sister. She had swim team practice. I think she has more talent than she is willing to admit she has. Does that make sense? Working hard isn't her most favorite thing, though. I bet you wondering why I am expressing myself so badly. It has to do with the fact that English is not my native language. I am German. My real family is still in Germany. So Rachel is not my real sister. She is part of the family I am staying with. Now I am going blank again. Let's talk about the family I am staying with then. They are very kind. After all, they aren't charging me anything. Why? That's a longer story. I think my host mom would be an interesting case for psychology. There isn't anything wrong with her. It's just an perfect example for insecurity at its highest level. The funny thing is that nobody would ever suspect this insecurity. And I am sure she would vehemently repudiate such a statement. But it's true. From what I understand you can blame that on her childhood. Her version is that her parents wanted a boy as their first child. Well, it was her they got. Accordingly, her parents made that very clear throughout her whole life. Well, you can derive your own implications. Anyways, she is on a constant mission to prove to everybody how smart and special she is. It goes even so far that she fabricates facts in order to win arguments. Even when you present her with indisputable facts she refuses to admit that she was wrong. She goes as far as questioning well known axioms or pundits. Anyway, I should be talking about myself. I have my own problems. I can't state my feelings. That is as far as I will go because I can't talk about it. Then it can't be cured. Irony. Now I am thinking about UT. It's pretty overwhelming. In Germany my High School graduating class had about 70 people. Yup. But I will do fine. I am just having these high expectations in college. I want to find my dead poet society" - teacher. Someone that will point me in the right direction. That makes learning an adventure. Right now, I still have to force myself to do homework. Time is up!
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Laughing, sad, wondering why? Failed dreams, friends, lost. Can't seem to get away from people. Why do people change, what happens later on? Help. Everything seems to come together all at once and fall a part soon afterwards. People never grow up, promises are never kept. Life goes on, right? Learn to live with people. Learn to get along with those who don't attempt to get along with you. What have they sacrificed yet? Does anything matter except themselves? Sometimes you just need someone to talk to. To let understand where you're coming from. Does anyone see what's happening? How long until everything's back to normal again? How long until I can trust? What went wrong? Somewhere, I lost the truth, reason, my smile, yet still I hurt and cry and need. I love this boy. But why is he the only one that provides comfort. It can't be healthy, can it? How come no one else seems adequate anymore? Life has to keep moving doesn't it? But why do things work out this way. What happens in the future? Where does all of this lead? questions, questions, questions I feel like everything is falling a part right in front of me. College changes people, and some people grow, yet some people stay right where they were to begin with. Why don't people understand, or listen, or care? Overwhelmed, just overwhelmed. Things haven't clicked" yet Lonely very lonely, need someone to talk to, really talk to and not just over the phone every night, not someone who knows who you are, or someone who cares about you, just someone who will listen and then talk back. who doesn't care if you drink this weekend, and won't judge you by your mistakes or jealousy, or stupidity, or friends. Why do people always compare you to your friends can't you just be you, you don't have to have the same values as your friends, the same beliefs, or the same morals, yet people always seem to worry about you when it's one of your friends who screwed up. hate disgust disapproval attention I need a hug, I just need to be held while I vent or cry, I need to cry to let everything out, but then I read that venting isn't proven to be healthy, but was it proven to be unhealthy? And yet vitamins supposedly don't help you but they make you feel better, so can't I vent and cry just so I feel better? Why don't people change? Do I have a one track mind/ why do I care so much. Maybe I'm the one who needs to change, maybe I need to try out what's bothering me so much, but maybe I don't. I want my own bed, I want my privacy, is it too much to ask for her stuff not to be thrown on my bed all the time, can't she set it on hers so that I don't have to move it in order to go to sleep, and if you come in at one in the morning and the lights are off, don't leave them on when you leave five minutes later, especially when someone's sleeping. I'm hurt, I feel hurt, and betrayed and I question a lot now, because I used to think that I knew who she was, she used to be a really close friend that I could talk to about anything, yet now all I see is someone in need of constant attention. so how do I know who any of my friends are? Or my boyfriend? DO I really know who he is/? I think I do. but what if something goes wrong? And I lose him, my best friend, also. what if he gets tired of listening to me, and gets tired of my friends or finds someone else, or gets tired of having to support me? I'm high maintenance but is that bad, and not in the fashion that I like gifts, I don't really, I just like being held and talked to and spoiled I guess you call it I really don't know where it all comes from I just expect more in a best friend so that it's harder to live up to so that there's less a change of being hurt or quit on or left behind, or scared or in love, but what is love anyway?
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I'm thinking that this is a crazy assignment. It's only been 17 seconds, I have a long way to go. My stupid brother keeps instant messaging me, I wish he would go away. There's a menu on my desk to a sandwich place we went to yesterday, that was pretty good. I wonder what we'll eat tonight. I'm tired of Jester Pizza. It's really not that good. Now it's only been a minute and 37 seconds. 40 seconds. Stupid kid keeps I'M-ing me. Good now he signed off. My roommate is reading the fourth Harry Potter book and I can hear her turning the pages. She is also drinking something and sipping really loudly, which is really getting annoying, but I don't know if I should say anything about it because that would probably be construed as rude and it's awfully early in the year to have her mad at me already. I've been chewing this gum for about an hour now and it's almost completely lost it's flavor. My sandal just fell off and I wonder where it went. My roommate stopped sipping whatever it was. I think it was soup. Who drinks soup out of a cup? Aren't you supposed to use a spoon? Maybe we're out of spoons. That's no good. I'm going home this weekend so maybe I'll get my mom to buy us some new spoons. My phone is ringing and I'm pretty sure it's my ex-boyfriend Keith but I'm not going to answer it. I'll probably tell him it's because I'm writing this, but I really just don't feel like talking to him right now. His new relationship is probably not going well and he probably wants to talk about it so we can get back together, but I don't really want to. I don't like being the plan B. I don't think it's very fair. The page scrolled down enough that I can't see how much time has passed. I'm thinking maybe like 5 minutes. Does this thing stop when it's 20 minutes? Now my roommate is writing something. My foot kind of hurts where my shoe rubbed on the way to psychology class. Probably wasn't a smart choice of shoes. Oh well. I wonder when that water bottle is from. Yesterday I think. My printer has a blue button. I'm getting kind of bored of this and I don't really like to type. I hate e-mail and instant message and all that garbage. Why can't people just call you on the phone? It's so much easier and then you hear the tone in their voice and know if they're being sarcastic or not. Sarcasm is completely lost in the electronic communication system thingy. Now I'm staring at the wall. It's a painted brick kind of wall, which is probably smart of whoever designed this place, but it sucks if you want to hang stuff up. We tacked a bunch of posters up everywhere. My best friend Kristyn got a bunch of them for me. Too bad she is not here. We're going out to dinner tomorrow night, no the night after. Anyway, Friday night is when we're going out to dinner. I haven't seen her in a week, which I'm sure doesn't sound like a long time, but she used to be my neighbor when I lived at my parents house so I'm still kind of used to seeing her everyday. She is going to go to massage therapy school somewhere around here. I always forget the name of it, but it's supposed to be not very far away from campus. Now my hand is starting to hurt from typing all this crap. I think if I reread this, I'd probably think I was crazy. All of this is pretty random. I want the phone to ring because now I'm in the mood to talk to him. He is not very nice sometimes, but sometimes he really is. I think this is probably a bad situation. He wants us to be friends. He is a good friend, he is just not very good at being anything more than friends. He is not a very good people person I guess. My roommate is rolling around in her bed, it's kind of distracting. I have a pencil from the greensheet and I don't remember where I got or who could have possibly left it here. Where did it come from? Do people actually read the greensheet? I've never seen someone reading it. Kinda weird. My mom works for the Austin American Statesman, but she doesn't write or take pictures or anything like that, she works in HR. Time must be almost up. Ha, it does tell me when this is over!
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Well, I am now officially writing my first college paper" more or less. It is really hot outside today. I wonder when it is going to cool of so I won't swear so bad when I walk to class. I think that I need to really concentrate on my homework and studies when I get them, instead of putting them off. It makes me feel like I am bogged down when I have a lot of stuff to do at once. It is actually really stressful. I kind of like this song that is on the radio. Busta Rhymes has not ever been my favorite rapper, but I think that this song is ok. Pharrell really makes this song what it is. Now come to think of it. I don't think that Busta Rhymes sang that song. oh well I guess that this assignment is for my thoughts and mistakes, so I won't correct my mistake. My chair is pretty comfortable. Hopefully I will do my homework in it when I am done with this writing assignment. The longhorns really kicked New Mexico State's butt. I think that Chance Mock (the quarterback) got to a ruff start, but he has waited for several years to get his chance to play as the Longhorn's Quarterback. Although Vincent Young came in towards the end of the game and did phenomenal, scoring 2 touchdowns on his own rush attempts, and throwing a great 60 yard pass, I believe that Mock should continue to start as QB because he has put in his time as scout team player. My, that was a really long sentence. I am tired of eating the food at the Jester Food Court. They have a big selection, but the selections never change at each station. I kinda miss my mom's home cooking. I can get over that. I was aware that there was a ton of students at this campus, but I guess that I didn't think that I would see so many people going to class everyday. I kind of feel like a minority in Austin. Coming from a small town in East Texas that is mostly white, black, and mexican, I am not used to seeing so many asian students. I am not against asian people at all, I just have never seen so many at one setting such as UT. The temperature in my dorm is not to my liking. I am a very hot natured person, and I prefer that it be cold in my room. Being all covered up under your blankets at night when it is cold is a great feeling. I dislike sweating when I sleep. I need to go to the gym today. I am getting out of my routine of working out each day. I need to get on a balanced routine between schoolwork and play. It is kind of hard to be disciplined once you don't have your parents to tell you what to do. The experience at UT is a good one though and I am not complaining. The only thing I dislike about it right now is that I still have yet to purchase all my schoolbooks. The Co-op did not have my MIS book today like that re-order said. Nothing is ever perfect. That is not a bad thing though. I hope that all of our writing assignments are this easy CZAR. This is an easy grade. There are so many fine girls here at UT. Everywhere you look you see a hottie. I love that. Some of them seem fake to me though, but I know that I shouldn't judge people. My phone is ringing and I am almost done. Alright I am done. Later.
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Right now I just sat down to type this psychology paper. This is the first time I have ever typed a paper like this before, with constant writing. I am used to gathering my thoughts, thinking before I speak but now I am writing whatever pops into my mind. I am thinking about how much this different from something I would do in high school; being able to submit a paper via the internet that is amazing. I am hearing the faint sound of the Houston Astros baseball game in the background, I love baseball so much, this the pennant races are incredible. Hopefully I will get to broadcast the game I love in the future. Well I have an hour until its time to go to work, its nice that the clock is ticking down on my first major writing assignment of college. Astros, I think still losing 3-2 someone just flied out. I'm enjoying the fact that I am able to do this from my own computer, god I would hate to live in a dorm. Sharing and small places are no fun for me. Looking forward to this weekend, big barbecue put on by my friend Mike; we always have legendary times at those. Its just starting to sink in now as I hear God Bless America in the background that today is September 11. It's hard to believe that our country was attacked only two years ago, it seems at least to me that it happened an eternity ago. I really don't agree with what is going on in our country right now, by the way. The wind is blowing pretty good outside right now, for some reason I have not opened the blinds in the house yet. I get really lazy when I am at home. Anyway, this a little easier than I thought it would be. It has really gotten me thinking. I mean how often do we really pay attention to what we are thinking, and are we thinking about something all the time? Consciously? Well I think we got our lead off man on in the 8th we are still down 3-2, I really hope we don't lose to Milwaukee. Man I don't want to go to work today, although 4-9:30 is not that bad, better than 12-9:30. I feel like I am writing in a journal more than doing a project, that is cool that there is actually a clock at the top of the page. Big props to the person who set that up. I was actually considering putting a stopwatch next to me for this assignment, but I quickly realized that was not necessary. I just found out I have discussion section class for geography. I don't get that if you understand the material why do you need a discussion section? I don't get what that is all about, is it for the TA's to feel important or something? Must be a college thing, I guess. It seems like a lot of this stuff is over my head right now. I just quickly glanced at the clock and saw that I have about a minute left. I hope I did alright on this, I mean I wrote what came into my head and luckily avoided any sick and twisted thoughts. P. S (I submitted the paper erroneously earlier today under the wrong class code. My class code is 316 not 315)
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I want to listen to more music. I don't know what song to download next. But oh well. I love listening to music when I study. I wonder why? I like listening to rock and alternative. That is weird I guess. Most people would listen to classical or other soothing music. But I like studying to louder, cooler music. I guess that makes me weird. I wonder how things are going at home. I want to go back this weekend, but I know that I can't. I have a lot of work I want to do, and I really want to finish my Calculus before the due date. I should sign up for tutoring down at Jester. So far the class has been ok though. I understand what the teacher is saying, and I am not having that much trouble with my homework. I hope my boyfriend comes to see me this weekend. But I know that he is going to be really busy with his internship. He has to finish it soon so that he can pay more attention to his school work. I guess I may be asking to much of him. I don't want to pressure him to come, so maybe I won't mention it. I still wish he could come though. I wonder how Molina is doing? She is like 5 months already. She is getting pretty big. I wonder if she knows that Natalie is having twins. So many girls are pregnant back home, that is kinda sad. Most of them are really smart, and they could have done so much with their lives. I'm cold. I wish I could turn of the air conditioner. Well, at least it's better than it being hot. Norma still hasn't figured out how to turn off her alarm yet. It keeps beeping every hour. It is getting on my nerves. I wonder if I take the batteries out if she would mind. I'm thirsty. I should get some water. But I don't want water, but that is all I have. I need to get a job. I don't know how I am going to pay for the spring semester. I can barely pay for the housing as it is. I need more money. I hope everything is going ok at the Ranch. We need the place to do better, or if not than one of us is going to have to quit school. I don't want to quit, but if it comes down to one of us having to leave, then I would rather it be me. My brother is doing well, and my sister only has a year to go. I have only barely started, I can wait a bit longer to go to school. Till then, I can help out at home, and work with my parents at our restaurant. My foot went to sleep. I should move so it can wake up. I have so much work to do today. I need to study and reads a lot of stuff for class. I wonder how my friends are doing in class. I want to see Vanessa. She should have told me that she got married 2 weeks ago. She said she forgot to tell me that she had gotten married. That is a stupid reason. How can someone forget that they had gotten married? I won't get mad though. I am happy for her. I wonder if Manny will ever ask me to marry him. Sure we have talked about it, and we both have said we want to spend the rest of our lives together, but still. Knowing him, he will get very nervous and scared and not want to ask me because I could say no. It is just like when he wanted to ask me out. I knew he liked me and he knew I liked him, but he couldn't ask me. So I finally made him ask me. I said,? We are not going anywhere until you ask me. ? So he finally did. I hope him asking me to marry him won't be the same way. That is definitely not how I picture my future husband proposing. Well my time is almost up, but I need to keep going. Norma is back in the room. She can never get her days straight. She just left again. I guess she is going to the bathroom. Wow, time is almost really up. Time flies by when you are just typing what your thinking. I think that is really cool. Oh well. My time is up now. But I am still thinking. I have pretty much said my life's story, that is really weird. I thought all I would put down was how my day had gone. You know, like a lot of crap just to fill up space. I should stop now because I have a lot more things to do. I think I will stop now.
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I guess I have to tell you about how I feel right now. I feel awful. I don't know how to spell that. I am just so depressed at the moment because of everything that has been going on right now. geez what to type. I hate katie. she is an evil person and I wish that I had never met her. I am just so tired and exhausted. I don't' want to go do anything. I don't' want to go do anything. my head hurts. wow this is harder than I thought it would be. I keep messing up on my typing and it really sucks. I don't know what Professor Pennebaker wants me to say exactly. how do u spell hmmm. ? I just sighed a big sign of frustration and now I want it gone. I miss my best friends so much it's not even funny. I really wish I was home right now and they were with me so I didn't have to deal with this right now. what do I say next. I know I wanted to say something but I can't remember what it was. haha this is too funny to me for some reason. typing what I'm thinking in my head is funny, but it actually makes my head hurt. I guess that's because I'm typing in the dark. go me. I wish this was over. I wish this was over. I wish this was over. I want to go home. I want to go home. I really don't know what I want right now, but I know I am sick and tired of feeling like crap. I have a sore throat, and I have no idea why, but it really hurts. And I , and I , come on come on come on. what was I about to say? um. oh right I used to be such a happy person and I was until I moved out of my room and now feel like this big outsider that no one wants to associate with. It is really killing me inside. I feel like crying everyday and I have no idea what to do. I was such a happy person in dallas. seriously! nowadays I just sit in this room alone. I know I wish I had a roommate so I could talk to somebody! I really don't like not being able to communicate with the people on my old floor 15. I mean now I feel like I'm betrayed and so much of an outsider that I don't' want to do anything or be anything at the moment. I haven't felt like this since high school where all my friends went to the other school, and I wasn't the pretty enough girl to talk to. Katie sucks so much you have no idea. She is the biggest bitch I have ever met. I wish I never met her. no I just have nothing nice to say about her. it kills me because I don't' want to be the person who hates people because I used to judge people so much back home that gosh I don't' know I don't want to be that way here. I really want to be liked and have fun and just be who I want to be but I can't do that now with this thing thing THING just hanging over my head like a bad mother f**king migraine. I am not typing that. I guess I just did. I don't know what they'll think of my cussing but that is so how I feel right now. I've talked to counselors and people and more people and more people and my mom and my mom and my mom gosh my mom and mom and mom and mom and mom I could keep going on this if you would like but I don't think you would because I would just type mom for like 20 minutes if I could. I don't know why I just said 20 minutes I think that's funny because that' how long I have to do this. gosh kill me now. I'm just so tired mom mom mom mom mom mom MOM MOM MOM MOM I really hate my mom right now for making those freaking phone calls. all she ever does is not listen or listen too hard. there is a hair in my nose. how do you spell aew no oww like the pain feeling? I don't know. I really don't' care I just want to finish this so I can go scream and cry and jump out that freaking window. I don't even know why I'm saying this stuff because I'm not suicidal I'm just pissed off and don't have any other way to stop my feelings. I don't' know how to stop my feelings. I don't' like typing and thinking at the same time tickle tickle tickle because then I have to say everything twice so I can type it out because I can't type very fast. I have bad grammar, and my mom would hate that right now especially if this is for a class which it is so I guess she would hate this. my arm is tired from writing so fast. my head my head my head my head my head my head I can't find the h key so I almost typed yeatd. hahaha my leg hurts too and my back and my head and my neck. my leg really hurts. it's tingling now.
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well, I don't exactly know why I'm doing this, but I do enjoy the idea of trying to figure out what's in this head of mine. sharon's checking her email, but she will be leaving soon to go get a bagel. I'm not that hungry because I had a huge breakfast. there are a lot of people in this library. I wish I had internet connection at home because it would be so convenient. I wonder what my parents are doing right now. I wonder if their business is doing well. I wonder when they will be able to retire. I wonder when God will essentially allow them to stop working. God works in mysterious ways, and that's what makes him God I suppose. I'm really glad I got to talk to Paul last night online. He is a nice guy. I got to talk to carol too, but really didn't have much to say, which is not surprising. there's a lot of interesting different people here at UT. such a contrast from plano west, where everyone wants to be popular and only buys the best things in life. but are the things they think are the best really the best? don't think so. I miss home, but I really do enjoy it here at austin. I haven't been homesick at all, which might be a good thing or a bad thing. I feel like I abuse my parents so much, verbally. I don't ever take into consideration the fact that they have feelings too. I just say whatever to them and never think clearly. in a sense it is good to be comfortable with people, but being completely immune to their well-being is not good at all. why am I such a malicious person? I think sometimes being malicious on purpose might be better than being malicious without even thinking, because then that means that being malicious has become second nature. I really need to work out more often. I've gotten so freaking lazy, and as a result, fatter, or ?healthy? as my parents call it. why am I so frugal, actually it shouldn't even be considered frugality because it's to the point of stinginess, like scrooge. I don't get it. I try to not think about how much money I spend, but I get so greedy and selfish. I seriously think that if food wasn't so essential to life I would probably not eat and horde money all day. why God? actually I shouldn't be questioning you. I'm sorry. it's my fault. I am just an evil person. that's it. we are all just naturally evil. well, that sounds too Hobbes-like. we do have good in us, but we are all sinners no doubt. but I seem like my sins all go unnoticed because I do them so often and I don't realize it anymore. I've got 10 minutes left on this. shar's going to the restroom. I have so much reading to do. and sometimes I feel like I read and read and read and study, but then when I get to class I feel like I did nothing at all. wow, 10 minutes is a pretty long time. not when watching television or a movie. I guess time does fly when you're having fun. I wonder who thought that one up. I haven't seen a movie in the theater in awhile. I wish there was a dollar theater close by. I wish I could get a job. I wish I could manage my time better. I should really take into account opportunity costs of everything I do or buy. sometimes I wish I was more economically conscious but then I feel like sometimes I'm too economically conscious. I do too many things for my own good. I never think about other people. instead, I think how much of my own money, energy, etc. is going into making someone else happy. that's so wrong. man, I have psych in about an hour. I wonder what we will talk about. I wonder if I read enough. I wonder how my first quiz in college will be like tomorrow. I really need to stop eating so much and work out more. I cannot possibly rationalize all my eating by my walking to and from school everyday. 5 more minutes. I wonder what God thinks of me. maybe I shouldn't wonder. what else is there to say? I feel like my brain has been racked and pried. is that how you spell the past tense of pry? I have so much reading to do. did I mention that? by the time I get home, I will probably be so tired. but I need to read. shar's going to her echo meeting so I will be home alone with no internet access. man I am so spoiled. as early as 1-2 years ago I didn't depend so highly on technology. but look at me now. well, I guess we should look at ourselves now. what to say? I wonder what my parents think of me. I think too much about what other people think of me. I need to stop and think about what I think about myself. I thought that girl looked familiar. hmm. I'm almost done dude. almost done. only 1 minute left. I have written a lot. well at least I feel like it. now that I'm almost done I feel like the 20 minutes went by really fast. so I guess this was both enriching and entertaining to see what's in my brain. 10 seconds. done!
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I'm a little nervous about doing this right now because I have to wake up at 445 tomorrow morning for crew practice. My back hurts -- it's from rowing on the orgs, or whatever they call them. I am not a good typist. I have to look down at my hands, and I go so slowly. This really is a skill I should have mastered by college. I feel like an idiot. I'm frustrated with Russell -- I don't really want to go to church on sunday because I know he will be there. I wonder if Brad really didn't call me for a week because I told him he was moving to fast or if it was because he was really sick. I can't believe I saw Travis today; I wonder if he really will ever give me a call -- doubtful, seriously doubtful. I need to turn on my lamp, I can't see and this computer screen is starting to hurt my eyes. I can't believe that Nik really didn't call me today -- even though his name showed up on my phone -- how bizarre! I don't know how to spell bizaar -- oh well. My left shoulder muscle is hurting -- I think it's because of the position I'm laying in -- this is taking forEVER -- I'm only at 6 minutes. ouch. I just leaned up and turned on the lamp -- much better -- I can actually see the keys, even though you wouldn't be able to tell it by the way I'm still typing so messily. My ponytail is kinda digging into the back of my head -- dangit. I hate that I cuss now -- it makes me feel kinda dirty -- not like skank-dirty, but like not-so-clean dirty. That movie, THIRTEEN, we saw at Dobie tonight was weird weird weird. I can't decide if I liked it at all or not -- it was really disturbing when they showed her cutting herself. It reminded me of Kate when she did that the one wednesday I called her. She was so upset about Brad -- boys are dumb. I don't know why we fall for them so easily. I mean it's got to be our need of acceptance and the comfort/warmth they bring when they hold us, but I can't imagine finding a guy who will actually care about me and not just want to feel me up. I mean really -- what's going on in their heads (or most likely, pants) that makes them so desensitized to us. Josh is wonderful -- the way he told Catherine he loved her the first time, the way he just spent 600 dollars on her for her birthday -- I'm so jealous, I don't know what to do. It's dangerous having him as a best friend -- he is just so damn wonderful. I mean, really, any even remotely smart girl would fall for him in a freaking' heartbeat! Sometimes I can't stand it. He hasn't written to me since I've gotten to school. I'm not a happy girl/camper. I know he is getting ready to go on his nature expedition/survival trip, but why hasn't he had a chance to write me yet? I've been waiting for him to write me, but maybe he is just waiting for me to write so he can respond. I'll write him this weekend anyway, along with Emily, Mary, Caleb and Edward. I have to get my hollow core door too. I don't even know where to get it -- I'll ask Zara tomorrow. I'm going to have to get online to find directions to a Home Depot or Lowes. I hate not knowing my way around -- it totally sucks -- that's why I loved Beaumont so much -- it was small enough to where I knew where most of the big things were. And if I didn't know where they were, it wasn't that hard to find it. Here there are massive highways, freeways, loops, overpasses -- all designed to confuse and terrify the new-to-Austin driver. I wish Russ and I were okay enough that I could ask him to take me to do my errands after church -- oh well. I still don't think I'm comfortable enough to be around him. I'm cold. It's weird that I haven't slept under my covers for the last week. I've just slept under a fleece blanket on top of it. My time is almost up -- Good night my dear diary assignment. I hope you go over well. I'm exhausted, and I can't wait to turn out the lights. I have to get up in 6 hours -- ick.
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I'm starting to feel tired and lazy. That sandwich for lunch really hit the spot and now I feel really comfortable as I sit in this chair and look at the screen. I feel somewhat hypnotized and just relaxed. I feel like taking a nap because the temperature is slightly warm and it is making me slow down. I'm thinking about going to gregory but I feel so relaxed that I probably won't go. Its such a long walk and then I have to come back to my room before I go to another class. I wish my dorm room was closer to Gregory, then I think I would go more often. Instead I always tell myself I'm going to go but most of the time I just put it off. My back is sore and I think I need to stretch it, my legs are also sore. I know it has to be from all the walking in between classes. I can't wait for tonight. Monday night football. My night to sit on the couch and watch TV. I wonder who is playing. I think its the eagles and Bucaneers, but I'm not sure. I think the Bucaneers have a real good shot of repeating and winning the super bowl again this year. I know for sure the Cowboys are going to be bad. They will finish around 6 to 7 wins. If they win more, it will be a successful year for them. I wonder where my roommate is. He always leaves the lights on in our room, so I know he has been home and left already. I really wish I was done for the rest of the day and didn't have another class. I would definitely take a nap. Naps are so key. They are rejuvenating beyond anything else. My hair is always in my eyes. I think its time for me to finally get it cut. Its annoying now, its too hot to have long hair in my face. Also it looks kind of shaggy. I'm taking my shoes off. That feels better. ooh. that blister on the bottom of my foot looks pretty bad. ill have to put another band aide on it. I need to start playing basketball more so I won't get blisters when I just play on occasions. The only problem is that there are usually too many people that want to play, so I never get the chance to practice my shot. So in the games I end up missing most of the time. Fortunately the competition is not real high at Gregory. Although I have seen Brian Boddicker and Sidwell Harris up there at times. I can't believe the basketball coach would allow them to play in pickup games like that. What if they got hurt? He would be infuriated. How would you tell the coach that you broke your ankle and were out for the season just because you were in some stupid pickup game. Does not sound right. You know what else is not right, Chance Mock starting t quarterback. Texas's offense is so predictable with Chance at QB. Run Cedrick Benson up the middle once or twice for minimal yardage and then we are in a third and long and everybody in the stadium knows we have to throw it. That is when Chance gets sacked or throws an incomplete pass and we have to punt it. On the other hand when Vince Young is at QB, you can't predict what is going to happen. He is much more of a threat. He can run, scramble, elude tacklers and throw also, at least that is what he did against New Mexico St. I know its the aggies of New Mexico St. that we played last week but he did better than Chance Mock against the same guys. So I think he deserves the start against Arkansas this upcoming week. I can't wait to rub it into Mic's face when we beat them. I hope he finds a ticket and can come down from Arkansas for the game. He will definitely be intimidated by the Texas crowd. How long has it been since I have done my laundry? Not since I left home I think. I really don't want to do laundry in my dorm room. It takes too long. I think I'm just going to take all my dirty clothes with me whenever I go home. Probably around homecoming, which is the same weekend as the Texas OU game. I can't believe I didn't get a ticket for that. That really pisses me off. I did get lucky though with my season tickets, section 20 row 7, right behind the cannon. That was a pretty good draw for a freshman. Still, Ill have to find a way to get a ticket to the Texas OU game. Best game all year in all of college football and we better win this year or else Mack Brown should be fired. That would be the fourth year in a row. He can recruit like its nobody's business but he can't develop that talent and fit them into a game plan that can make us win the big game. Straight up he gets out coached every time by Bob Stoops. What a stud. My fingers are getting a little tired from typing.
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I got to pee. I don't know how long I can hold it. Maybe I should of went to the restroom before I started this thing. Oh well, it's all good. Man my neck is still sore from lifting weights on Tuesday, and I need to lift again today, I really need to stop being lazy so I can get strong and get in shape. I hope I can get notes from the class I missed today, that's already been twice I missed the same class and we have only been in school for less than 2 weeks. Man I really need to start picking it up. It don't make any sense to send in a transcript for a scholarship when my transcript doesn't exist at this school yet. What am I supposed to do? Also transcripts are $10 a piece plus a $1. 75 if you use a credit card. It's stupid. Man my hands are starting to hurt, 20 minutes is a lot longer than I thought. I need to figure out something to do on Saturday, I mean this is Austin plenty to do, but choosing what to do is kind of hard especially when you don't have any money. I am getting tired, about to fall asleep after I finish this, but I got to do that math homework so I don't have to worry about it later. I just heard a weird sound, I think it was my stomach but I just ate so it can't be that I am hungry, maybe it is just digesting some food. Oh man another 10 minutes to go, they should have shortened these writing assignments to 10 minutes when I would be done by now. Ha ha ha, that's pretty funny, ha ha ha. I wonder what they are going to think of my thoughts, it can't be that bad, but what was up with that pre testing for the experiment requirement, it took forever and a day. Man I wish this school were closer to my home back in El Paso. I already kind of miss home, I think I might be homesick, but I haven't thrown up or cried so I am not sure. Man I still got to pee. I don't see how they say this school has the best looking girls compared to all other colleges, because I have only seen a few girls that are cute and few that are really cute, maybe I just haven't seen all of them in this gigantic school, I swear I am going to have strong ass legs by the time the semester is over from all this walking. Oh yea there is that girl that looks like Raven, now that girl looks good, I really need to stop being shy and talk to that girl. Who knows she might give me a chance, you never know. Then there is also that girl in math class, she is real cute too, but I have talked to her, but I need to get to know her better. What should I do tonight? I could play basketball in Gregory or volleyball downstairs here at Jester, so much to do so little time. I am almost done, then I can go pee, and go do my math homework in Jay & Jason's room since they have the book. That's stupid that you have to buy the Solutions Manual with the book, I just wanted a used book, but no they didn't have any. oh well it is cheaper to just use Jay's book when I need it, besides I only use it for homework anyways. Oh man this thing is over, and I really need to go to the bathroom.
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It is really bright in here. Maybe I should turn on of the lights off. I would except I'm writing a stream of consciousness. I really miss Byron. I just talked to him about 10 minutes ago, but I need to talk to him again. Boy, is my cell phone bill going to be high this month. Haha. I still haven't paid mom for last months bill. I probably should have read chapter 3 before starting this, since it is due tomorrow and this isn't due until the 12th, but I would more than likely had waiting until the last minute if I hadn't gotten this over now. Whoops. My poster looks like it is about to fall down. Oh well, I'm to tired to go and put it back up. Yet, I am still awake enough to sit here and type for 20 minutes. I wonder how much people write for this if they are slow typers. And I wonder if they read every one of these. Especially since mine is going to be so long because of my typing speed. Man, if I were a slow typer this would be a lot less work. And if I wasn't so diligent about punctuation, capitalization, and spelling. Haha. Instead of spelling I accidentally wrote sleeping and had to erase it. I wonder if that is my subconscious trying to tell me something. I'm so glad I finished that photo wall. It turned out really nice, but Stephanie didn't seem to like it too much because she didn't have quite as many pictures as I did to put up. Oh well, that's her problem. Man, my DVD's are really out of order. I'm not sure why I think they need to be in any order at all, because in the grand scheme of things, that really doesn't matter quite that much. You know what would really suck would be if my computer, out of the blue caught a virus while I was in the middle of this, and I would have to start all over again. Then I would just wait until the last minute and probably not type quite so much. Oh well, this is for science I guess. Man I really really miss Byron. I can't believe I got so upset today when I was driving home, but what can you do when you love somebody so much. I don't know how his brother is related to him, he is so strange. At least he is nice I guess. I wonder if his blindness was caused from his genes or from some other problem when he was born. I guess that really isn't my business, but I'm just so damn curious. Byron didn't seem to know, so I guess I'll never find out unless I ask him, and I don't know him quite well enough to do that. Man, my pinky is really starting to cramp up. I don't think I've written for 8 minutes straight before without taking a break. I hope my Calculus quiz tomorrow isn't bad, I did the homework and everything and my professor swears that it is enough preparation for his quizzes, but yet I still remain cynical. I guess I'll just go over the homework problems again before I go to sleep. I can't wait until that Royal's show comes on A and E. Wow, I was so lazy I didn't even bother to find the and symbol. Haha. I did it again. If I wasn't on this laptop I wouldn't have a problem finding it. I wish it came with a 10 key pad. Byron. Byron. I can't stop thinking about that boy. He is such a sweet heart, and I can't wait to finish college so I can spend all my time with him. I wonder where A & E is. Haha. I found the & symbol. I wonder if there is some way that I can find out the channels on the internet through UT's website. Man this is a hell of a lot of typing. Hey hey, I see my Monkees bobble heads. They are so strangely entertaining. That's the only reason why I'm going to watch the A&E special, (davy jones is on it wahoo). That, and because Byron said he was going to watch it. There's the picture I have of us! I can't stop looking at it or thinking about him! I'm sure whoever (if anyone) reads this will wonder who Byron is (though it's pretty obvious). I hope Archie allows him to stay over at his dorm so he can come visit next weekend, and I don't have to drive back to San Antonio again. I don't mind driving down there, it might just be nice to have a change of scenery and have Byron visit up here. I'm going to be so worried about him though because he has to wait until he gets off of work to drive up here. There are to many drunk people out on the street for him to be safe, even though I trust his driving abilities. I think I'll have him call periodically on his way up here, just so I know that he is alright. Ya, that's a good idea. I should probably go and put those batteries into my remote but I don't want to get up and find it, nor am I suppose to get up from this typing and do something else. Man, Steph drank all my Hi-C. Or did I drink it all? Naw. Steph did. I distinctly remember having at least 2 left in there when I left on Thursday. I don't drink her stuff. Oh wait, I did but she told me I could have some. Man, that whip cream I got on my face earlier from the Frappacino still hasn't come off after washing my face twice. I can still smell it. Eww. It smells like babies vomit. Byron! Why aren't you here with me right now! I know why you aren't here, but I wish you were! Someday I won't have to worry about where you are all the time, and wonder what you are doing, but for right now this is torture! Especially since I am writing all my thoughts down, and these thoughts of you are more obvious to me than normal! All the thought I have in-between are meaningless because I don't consciously notice them, but when I'm thinking about you it takes all my concentration and full attention! I should probably try and not think about missing you during class, but I can't stop. IT isn't like I don't mind these ideas, I just know that I won't be paying attention to what I should be. Hurray I'm almost out of time. 19 minutes. and a few seconds. Steph needs to put her stuff away and keep it away from my side of room. What is up with this. I'm not going to clean up after her. I'm getting so annoyed with her sleeping habits, but what can I do. I love you Byron! I want to drive up there right now but I can't because of class!
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this is my first writing assignment. I'm watching cosby on tv. I have a headache. I've had a headache most of today. I woke up and was still dead tired even after 8 hours of sleep. I had a stomach ache and felt like I was going to be sick. I had a headache and didn't feel like doing anything. so I got back in bed for a little bit. then went over to the san jac food place for some oj. that worked out pretty good I think for breakfast. I think from now on on mwf I'll just go to san jac for some oj and walk to calculus. that class is going pretty good. I was supposed to have a study group tonight but I called everyone and nobody could go. so that was kinda stupid since even the girl who set it up couldn't make it. but I don't really need it. I think I'll be doing more teaching than learning in that study group. I had calculus in high school but got a 3 on the AP test so I'll take calculus over again and learn the stuff better since I'm an ee major and will really need to know the stuff. I was thinking about switching majors to psych cause I really enjoyed everything I learned in high school when I took it. I don't know if I'll switch over though yet. I'm liking me ee302 and 306 classes so we'll just see where the year goes. all day I've felt like crap and I miss my best friend mariko so much. especially today since I've felt bad. she always makes me feel better. it's really tough being here at college 2 1/2 hours away from her and only being able to see her every couple of weeks. I'd come home every weekend if I had my car up here but my mom didn't let me bring my car up this year. I'd pay for the parking permit and everything but she said it's not part of the college experience. I don't care about the experience. I'm here to learn and I do that during the week. I do all my homework when I need to during the week and then nothing on the weekends. so why can't I come home and spend my time with the one person I want to spend time with. well I know people here that have offered me rides so I can get a ride home every couple weeks to see mariko. my mom was mad this past weekend cause I spent most of my time with mariko. and my mom said she didn't bring me home just to hang out with her. well from now on I'll get rides home from other people so I can spend my time with who I want since my mom won't be wasting her time driving and getting me. I feel bad for thinking that, but that's just how I feel. I love my mom and everything, but I'm not really close to her at all, and I've been introduced to religion through mariko and mariko has always made me feel better no matter what and she is always helped me through anything. and I am completely comfortable around mariko and feel completely at ease. I'm so close to mariko and I love her so much and it's just hard being away from her. she goes to japan every summer with her family. I've been thinking about going next summer. I'd have to talk with her parents about that though. but that would cost me about 1000 dollars for the ticket and I'd have to stay with mariko's family in japan otherwise I wouldn't be able to afford a hotel for a month. so that would cost me a ton of money, and then I've been thinking about going on a mission for the church also. I really want to go. my mom's really against the religion I've joined. she is just heard too many things that aren't true. and I hate how she feels. but through religion I've learned how to deal with all these feelings and I'm comforted now and I forgive my mom for how she feels because she just doesn't know any better. I'm kind of tired and I still have a headache. I want something to drink. the vending machines at the building were all sold out last time I checked, and right now I don't want to walk back down there 2 floors to find out. I don't' feel like a sprite either, I could go down to san jac again. I think they're closed though. my shoulders have been hurting lately. my neck really hurts too. my neck just started today. but my shoulders have been hurting for a while. usually after sitting in a class after an hour. I need to move around more or something I guess. my hands are freezing cold. there's no thermostat in my room so it's always freezing. and coming in from a hot day it feels good but waking up in the morning it is freezing cold and I can't stand it. I put up another bulletin board over my bed and some push lights on the ceiling over my bed. one of the push lights came off last night or the other night and I put it up again so hopefully it all stays up. there were already some damages to the ceiling so I guess I won't be charged for anything. the sticky things that aren't supposed to mess up walls messed up the ceiling some. but I don't think it matters. oh well. I have some pictures of mariko up on my bulletin boards around the rooms. some on the bulletin board over my bed. I like waking up with pictures of mariko right there. I miss her so much. I hope she had a good day today. last night she didn't seem to be talking too much but she was doing a lot of homework. I don't know. sometimes she just goes through phases. I wish I could help her more but there's not much I can do. she just needs to learn to love herself and know that she is a good person and that she is loved. sometimes it just gets tough for her. and that's a whole other reason I want to be home still. so I can be there with her physically to help her feel better when she is down. we still talk online all the time and I call sometimes. it's hard to find times to call though. either she will have band till 530 or church or school during the day and then I have classes at certain times so I can't just leave and call her. but I'm going to try and find a couple times a week to call. tomorrow's thursday already so I don't think I'll get a couple calls in this week. I'll call on the weekend though since I won't be going home this weekend. hopefully I meet some people at church this weekend and at the friday lunch and speaker thing at the institute. I seem to be the youngest person there. and I'm already not a talkative person, so I think it's going to be kinda hard to meet people. oh well. 10 seconds left for this thing. hopefully the rest of the year goes well.
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I hear the innumerable conversations buzzing in the background. Why do I constantly attempt to erase my sentences until I get it perfect. I smell nothingness. I should be smelling the moist air of post-raining. But instead, I only hear the faint taps of water breaking. I Love College, by the way. And that weird survey you have us take, pretesting, is the most hilarious thing to experience. That survey is so subjective to what you feel at the current moment. Damn, my fingers are already cramping. Must pop now. It doesn't want to. Let's see, how was my day? It was long. It was tiring. OU. Damn game. But it turned out to be a nice little long wait with a dear little friend. Nothing beats flirting from 8 am to daytime. Can I say tits. Oh, what the fuck. It feels nice cussing when it is clearly inappropriate to do so for a grade. But, this is what I'm thinking, and to begrudge me for following instructions repudiates the process. Whoa, I like when I talk intellectually. I like when I can say that I like talking intellectually without fear of conceit, because no one is here to judge you other than an anonymous psycho analyzer. That was a long word. Shit, only 8 gone. It feels like a space of time has gone. I miss my adorable niece. She is the absolutely most beautiful human being. I could sincerely cry at the thought of her pure sweet charm. But I won't lest I go deep into a melancholic cheer. Whoa, there I go again. You know, it took me a long time to find the website to do this assignment. There is no emphasis on the paper to reference it's significance. No highlights. No italicizing. I cannot believe how long this experiment is. I want to eat. But I really don't. It's called munchies. And I like food. It's them damn dopamine's. I tell you, for food of course. You better have gotten that play on words, or you're not an astute psychologist. Now I'm talking to someone, which makes me a what? I really don't know. That's your job. I'm just thinking what it would be like to be on the other end of this letter. This weird letter of nonsensical discussion to a nonexistent second party. Impatience is the motif of this letter. I can't finish it. I enjoy doing this writing but nonetheless want it to end, isn't that contradictory? That's a rhetorical question. I like psychology. It's particularly fun for a writer/slightly intellectual. I would like to minor in it. Just for the pure knowledge. Sorry, I had to answer my phone. She says, my baby, I love you," and I say, "I'm typing". She goes on asking questions, inconsequential chatting ones. She forgot to eat with her friend. Aw, poor chica. She says she felt like a dildo. Shit just happens, probably too much.
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hahaha, I really like the directions of how to tell Sherlock Campbell our UT EID and such. I wonder if that is weird to him. Sherlock is an interesting name, you don't here that every day. its a good thing there's a clock on here, I didn't look to see the time for this assignment. I don't really know what to think. I'm thirsty. my roommate needs to control the noise from her computer, its annoying. my face itches. there goes the noise again. I need to clean my side of the room. why do I have so many cords on my desk, but my roommate has maybe 2? I think I have a rash on my arm, and it itches. I need to go return my nutrition book to the co-op. eew, a duck on tv has oil all over it. what is the purpose of this commercial? DAWN?! that's stupid. that girl from Everybody Loves Raymond is a spokesperson for too many things, and when I say too many, I mean 2 different companies. but that's still odd. to me. my arm still itches. I never did anything about being thirsty. wow, I never realized how long 20 minutes is. all of this was written in 5 min:33 sec. CRAZY! is dr pennebaker really going to read this? I wonder how many crazy people he has in his class thinking about obscure things. too bad I couldn't do this while I'm driving, I think of some really random things when I'm in the car by myself. I like alone time. I love driving home to Dallas by myself, PLENTY of thinking time. I need to go to Wal-Mart. but I don't remember what for. hmm. why did I need to go? this is going to bug me. I think I want to be a Texas Sweetheart. the informational meeting is at 6 tonight. I wonder if I'll make it by the time I finish this. I just noticed that I capitalize random letters. well, they're not random because if it's capitalized, its supposed to be. but I don't capitalize everything that needs to be. so that's weird. I wish I could think of more interesting things. I miss my boyfriend travis. TV without sound is funny. mmhmm I love this bar, this song makes me laugh. I really do wish I were more entertaining for you dr. I love dr pepper. I wish I knew someone named dr pepper. my orthopedic dr is named dr payne. I had a teacher in high school named mrs payne. and mr axe. can you imagine what kind of torture my high school was? no, I loved high school. I love the fact I'm out! I still miss my boyfriend. I wonder how many times I think about him during the day. I should start keeping tally. nah, that would be a waste of ink. country singers make me laugh. MUCH cooler than pop stars - they're all stuck up. but man, country singers and music lovers. so funny. hahahaha, this music video is funny. I laugh at things easily. people like being friends with me because I laugh easily. it boosts their self confidence I think. my arm still itches. I wish that pretesting thing would work so I can start on that. that meeting is in 20 minutes. should I go? yeah I'll go. 3 more minutes in this assignment. I still wish I were more interesting though. the guy in this video just poured a latte on himself. now my leg itches. I love the band Lonestar. back to the arm. soooooo, basically this was filled with how my body itches. I bet that's interesting. there goes my head. what's with that? I don't understand. I don't think I usually itch this much. I dunno, maybe I do. my stomach just made a noise. 20 more seconds. lalalalalalalalalala. and DAVE MATTHEWS BAND rules! :) have a great day!
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My roommate and I have Office Space" on. What a great movie. It cracks me up every time I watch it. I really like my roommate. She is such a cool girl. It's weird how things work out. I was really scared about having a potluck roommate. Every day we find new things that we have the same. We have the same toothbrush, hairbrush, hair straightener, contact case, pair of pajama pants, caboodle for our makeup, pair of shoes. It's crazy. I really like living at SRD. The food was really good tonight. We had this thing called "mexican shrimp" except it really didn't taste like mexican. It was just little shrimp in this sauce with red and green peppers over rice. Food is so good. I bought some Little Debbie Star Crunch and some Vanilla Wafers at the store today. Little kids snacks are so much fun. I wanted some fruit snacks but they cost too much. Meghan (my roommate) and I are not having a good experience with fridges. Our first one leaked all over the carpet so we bought a new one but it gets extremely cold and halfway freezes our stuff. This morning I got out a Dr Pepper and it was all icy. We should read the manual and fix that. I'm excited that I am going home tomorrow for the weekend. I miss my family, especially my sister. This past year we were closer than we had ever been and then I had to leave. I don't have class on Fri so I am going home to see her cheer at the Garland football game tomorrow night. I'm so proud of her. She is so cute and nice and always succeeds at the things she does. I also want to see my puppies. They are the cutest dogs ever and I haven't seen them for 3 weeks. I am also ready to sleep in my own bed. Although my dorm bed is comfortable, it isn't the same. Hahah- gosh I love Office Space. The characters are so messed up and hilarious. I don't know why we have the TV on. I am doing the writing assignment at my computer and my roommate is doing pretesting on her computer and we are both just listening to the TV. I really should go to bed sometime soon because I have an 8am class tomorrow. It was easy for me to get up for high school at 7:30 last year but for some reason I am having a lot of trouble getting up for my classes. I guess I am still in summer mode. Now the credits are rolling on the TV and neither of us is getting up to turn it off. I shouldn't leave instant messenger up when I am doing homework. My friends keep talking to me but I am doing this so I can't talk to them so the boxes just keep flashing at the bottom of the screen and it is really driving me crazy. The music on the credits is also driving me crazy. There is just so much rap music I can take. Oh man! Barenaked Ladies is coming out with a new CD and they are coming on tour to Austin and I am so excited. I love their music so much. I do hope their new album is good because each new one seems to be more pop-ish than the last one. I love their old cd's when they were just in Canada and hadn't crossed over to America yet. Their concerts are awesome and I will be going to the one here. I should probably start saving my money. I guess that means I should get a new job. All I know is that I will never work in food again. I worked at Sonic for 2 years and it drove me crazy. I would come home smelling like grease and who knows what else. Yeah, those I'M boxes need to stop flashing. This is one of the most random assignments I have ever done. I probably sound like an idiot with everything I am saying. I really do like my dorm room. It is so colorful and we have so many pictures and posters up. I can't stand blank white walls. The walls in my room at home are blue so being here with white walls is annoying. I should really put some lotion on my legs because they are itchy. The only problem is that I hate lotion. That is my weird thing. Lotion and feet. Put the 2 together and it is an even worse thing. My sister makes fun of me but I make fun of her because she doesn't like anything touching her bellybutton. She won't even touch her bellybutton. Now our room is completely silent except for the clicking of keyboards. I feel like we need some music or something. I'm glad that meghan and I have similar tastes in musics because I wouldn't want to annoy her with something she didn't like. It's been hard finding a radio stations I like here in Austin because I don't really know which station play what kind of music yet. I guess I have plenty of time to learn. Well- my time is up!
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I am typing this paper because I have to. My roommate is asleep. I am listening to Incubus music. I am listening to Incubus. I just got off the phone with my girlfriend. She was annoying me. She was saying all this stuff about how I was flirting with this fat girl. And I was like what I did not flirt with the fat girl. And we went back and forth and it was a stupid argument. But in the end we worked it out and we are still cool together and it is all good. The music I am listening to is so good I love listening to them. I am so mad. I did my Calculus homework tonight and I missed a few problems. It makes me angry because my roommate and I both know Calculus and I should have gotten them all right. I missed a few which was stupid, but I corrected them. But still it makes me mad because the grading system is so stupid. If you keep guessing a question and get it wrong you get negative points. Which makes no sense because then you could get a negative one hundred instead of a maximum one hundred which means that you could get a -100 to a 100 which makes no sense. I am so mad at this stupid grading system. Because then I can get negative points and it will still make my grade negative but it will still hurt it a lot. I am really in a bad mood because our shower flooded tonight and so we have to call maintenance and they have to come and fix it. And I messed up on my homework so it is not a good night. I cannot wait for this week to be over. I am having a bad week. The song I am listening to now is really good and it is motivating me to type. I really have to go to the bathroom. I wish I could go. Oh well, the music is good. I really like this writing assignment because I can write about whatever I want. I wish all writing assignments were like this. It is so cool to be able to write about anything. I love writing about what I am thinking, it is almost like a diary. It is good to be able to write about my feelings, I think this assignment is very good. I hope my girlfriend is not mad, I just thought about that. We talked tonight, and I think she might be mad with some of the stuff that I told her. I really hope she is not because I love her with all my heart, I hope she is nor going to blow anything
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Okay, I just got done chatting with a guy who I had some classes with in high school. I have not talked to him in a few months. He is doing well but is going to Tech. What a mistake. I was also thinking about yesterday because it marked one year since I'd left for Venezuela. I can't believe it was a year ago yesterday when I started my time there. I miss it so much and would love to return. There are so many things the country has to offer and see. Granted there are lots of political problems and I just received the other day from the Embassay down there a letter that said there are cases of Yellow fever ( or something like that) in some of the states. I was down there for 10 months. I lived with two families. I went with the Rotary Youth Exchange Program. I had a rough time for a few months. The hardest time was when there was a nation-wide strike which lasted for 2 months! Everything during that time was shut down. Companies stop producing. Ran out of harina pan y cervezas. Tenemos q hablar en ingles o es espanol bien? Quiero practicar escribiendo mi espanol porque ahora aqui no hay muchas vezes donde puedo escribir cual cosa en espanol. My spanish is not perfect. Far from it. I have been speaking for about 7-8 months now. The first 4 months I was there I spoke mostly English. That is a horrible thing to do if you are trying to learn another language. One reason I didn't learn in the first four months was because the first host family that I had lived with spoke English, and there family members spoke english. I met so many people who knew english. That is awful for me because everyone wanted to speak and practice there english with me. I wanted to practice spanish. When I would try and speak in spanish with my host family they would respond to me in English. So the first 4 months weren't the best. I started to learn slowly thought once I made more friends and once I had switched families. My second family was great! My host mom was so nice to me and she would always talk to me and be more involved with me. I started speaking and understanding the language more. So by the time I left I had been speaking spanish for about 6 months, I wonder how much better I would be if I had spoke and learned during the first four mouths. I broke away from the Rotary program in June and traveled alone for that month. No one could travel with me, that was okay though because I was not going to miss out on seeing Venezuela for that reason. One reason why no one could go with me was because there was no money and the eco system had gotten so bad because of that shit head president Chavez. He even stopped selling american dollars. So I had to end up paying the black market prices for my trips that I went on in June, because the trips where priced in dollars. Well I paid because its a once in a life time opportunity. I went to Canaima. It was truly breathtaking! I was so shocked to see how beautiful something could be. I absolute loved it and wished someone was there to share that sight with me. Well, in Canaima there are lots of waterfalls. I went to the famous Angel Waterfalls which are the tallest in the world. It was amazing! I had to take a four hour bout ride there and then it was an hour walk up to the falls. They were great, spectacular. I truly recommend going there and at least once in your life. I also went to Santo Sapo, which is the frog or toad falls. I got to walk underneath the waterfall! It was like in the movie The Last of the Mohicans but 100 times better! That was my favorite part. I also went to a National Park called Morrocoy. They have the best beaches and little islands. I went to the islands which were basically empty only for the people who went there during the day. It was gorgeous. Beautiful clear water, great blue sky. I loved ever second. I also made it out to Aruba which is not part of Venezuela but its only a 15 min plane ride from the city I had lived in. Aruba was like the islands in MOrroccoy that I had gone to. IT had a great night life atmosphere as well. I had a blast! I can't wait to go back and visit all of Venezuela! I miss all the wonderful, kind people there. I returned the 1 of July, and have been back for 2 months. I miss it but I have to get my college started here. Can't wait till I have money to go back. College is free there here its too damn much. I already have way to much in loans, I won't say how much but let me say you could buy a good car with the amount I have in loans. Well Ciao! Fuera Chavez Vive Venezuela! Te Amo y Extrano! Cuidate
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this is one of the most interesting assignments I've had. Frisbee tomorrow I'll be late. I'm homesick and a bad typer is that the right word oh well All my friends and family enjoying themselves without me (sigh) this getting used to college is a little more difficult than I imagined but I guess that I always have trouble starting something new my legs are tired I ran 4 miles and played Frisbee When I started elementary school I cried and clung to my dad's leg Ican't remember middle school Funny how I can remember something farther away than something more recent maybe elementary was more traumatic. Then high school I got really tiny because I think I had a nervous stomach I can hear the girl next to me' s headphones It must be a foreign language We have to do that in French I'm finally getting hungry I thought I never would I need to work out more It is kind of depressing to have once worked out on a team five days a week twice a day with a whole bunch of people now I have to make myself do stuff that is not as fun I go by myself to the gym and to swim at least I found frisbee except they're a little more advanced than me but the practices aren't a s strenuous and as frequent as my old swim practices My room mates sick puking all night I keep washing my hands and the door knob every thing she touches It makes me nervous when people are sick I don't want to catch it and get my life off schedule I mean heck it just got into some kind of routine then I'd go and get sick miss class miss practice and have to get the notes from someone and not fall to far behind that makes me nervous I used to get sick all the time when I swam every winter I would get some kind of 5- 7 day flu and it would usually mess everything up My training for the meets especially I was so frustrated sometime s I would try and convince myself I wasn't sick and I would just keep going as if nothing was wrong and then bam I couldn't do it any longer I would be so weak and tired I had just made it worse Nothing like making a problem even worse Only three minutes to go and I'm hungry I think I will have an apple they taste mmmm I like to eat fruit I had a boyfriend that pretty much didn't eat fruit or vegetable he liked mashed potatoes and gravy chicken fried steak and all that stuff is fine but you have to balance or your going to die to soon probably unless you have good genes people should take care of themselves
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hmmmm, I wonder how many people I a m going to meet , some persons painting her toe nails, what color? red I think not looking I'm hearing this guy and girl talk about classes. I thought all my classes seemed pretty hard but there not. so I think I have back problems. used to wrestle, do weights now, can't squat though, back hurts to much, these beds suck ass, jesters at least. I just got a blanket, a feathered blanket, its pretty nice. Oh, and I also got some new blue sheets, I think I want to go to sleep, but I can't cause I can't go to sleep. Woah! I'm so glad I only need to do this for twenty minutes, these are all random sentences and the punctuation all wrong and I am so behind on my readings for your class. Cedric Bensons in my first class. I have noticed I don't like raising my hand because I'm afraid of being wrong. Making out in public, that is just bad karma. I met these real pretty girls but for some reasons I only want to be everyone's friend. I need an envelope, I need to pay rent wow I like nintendo, the games, how simple they are. I'm going to join the HBSA. it seems pretty interesting but I don't know about 60 bucks. COLLEGE IS SO COOL, some of these dorms smell bad though. Not as bad as my house though cause I left the stove on overnight and the whole apartment smelt like burnt pizza. I'm so tired of working. I want to stop this timer right now though. I need to pay rent. wondering if my breath smells. posters, I need a poster. something blue. laredo. I hate girls, sometimes, I guess really I'm just jealous cause they get a lot of stuff handed to them just because they are women. I want to go to the beach again, or at least move back to california. sometimes I think I am losing my mind, but then I take a few breathes. I also want to join wrestling, maybe rugby when I am older. I need to clean my room. I bought candles and I think I need the buy some more things. I have enough food though. hungry, hungry, hungry. Apartments are awesome. mannnnnnnnn. twenty minutes, this stuffs easy when you have something to write about or not when you have nothing to write. (sigh)
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So I'm a little nervous because I don't know what to do about my fig meeting today. I'm supposed to have it at 3:30, but last week no one was there. I can't decide if I want to go back out into the heat or just skip it. I wonder if it can count against you if you skip a fig meeting. I feel so stupid about being nervous to email the instructor. I am so excited about this wrist band thing. I wonder who I will go with to the OU game. I can't believe it is so soon. I'm freaking out. I hope I get a date. Lets see. I promised to get me, Patty, and Kelly a ticket so I can get three more for other people. I can't believe I am actually seventh in line. I hope the guy wasn't tricking me or lying to me because then I would feel really stupid since I've told a lot of people. Oh well. I don't even know what to right on these things. I really wish I was taking a nap right now. My thoughts don't flow as easily when I am being forced to right about them. And I really don't want to say something that could some how embarrass me. although I do that enough anyways. hmmmmm. This class seems like its going to be really hard. I am so confused about what my major should be. Why in the world did I choose advertising when I really don't think I have any interest in it at all. I wonder if its ok that I'm not capitalizing my I's". I'm so used to instant message typing. it gets hard to used apostrophes and capitalize words. oh well. I hope my cousin is doing ok at her new school. I feel so bad that I haven't talked to my parents so much since I've been here. I don't know if I have even called them twice. That makes me sad, I just feel like I don't have any time. Man , I really want some Kerby queso. maybe I'll get some later. I need to get this printer fixed if I want to be able to print anything out. Dang it. I wonder if I need to print out a confirmation sheet for this. Wait that is just for the pretesting. which was extremely long. I wonder if we can backspace on this thing. hah. I'm so excited about this weekend's "white trash party" my phone is ringing. I wonder if I should pick it up huh. I guess Ill just let it ring and listen to the answering machine and see if it is someone important. dial tone. ok and now my cell phone is ringing. ill just look and see who it is. of course its patty. its always Patty. I can't believe I got a yellow wrist band! Its so awesome. It really annoys me how I always press the Caps Lock button when I'm typing. I think I do it like once a minute. I must be the worst typer in the world. It really grosses me out to find my roommate's hair all over my floor. I don't know why she can't just pick up the dust buster once in a while. Oh I need to unlock my door so patty can get in. Oh well, next year's living arrangements will be better. But that really stresses me out! I can't believe I have to get my roommates together like before October. How do you even know who are your good friends yet. Well at least I will be with Kelly. I wonder if Patty is going to want to room with us or if she is just going to want to get her own group to room with. I'm sad Kristin is not going to get an apartment. I don't know why she wants to be an RA. It just seems like way too much responsibility. Oh well. Man I'm hungry , and it is a long long time till dinner. That sucks. Oh good, I thought I lost my Advertising syllabus. but its on my desk that is good. OH yah, I have to go do study hours tonight. That is good. That means I don't have to do my homework now. Maybe I can get in a little nap. Or maybe I should see if my fig is meeting today. I really should work out some. I have totally fallen off track on my working out. It totally stresses me out that I'm probably going to gain like the freshman 45. That is going to sucks. Oh well at least its better than being 85 pounds like last year. Maybe I shouldn't write that on this. Oh well, I tell everybody anyways. I just have like absolutely no motivation to work out. They are right about one thing. Gregory might be close, but your bed is so much closer. I hope my parents aren't like shocked when they see me again. lol. Where is Patty. She called like five minutes ago and it definitely doesn't take that long to ride the elevator 4 floors. Maybe she wanted me to bring her down my book. I need to tell her I will need it tonight during study hours. She will probably be upset. Its my book though. I really need to put away some of this clean laundry. What am I going to wear at the White Trash party. I don't know if I really have anything for that. I guess I should go to Walmart and get a wife beater or something trashy like that. I really want to wear a trucker hat. Ill borrow one. Okay here she is. F
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Last week I took a Chinese Clep test. It started out very well, I understood everything that the recorder played and was able to answer all the questions. As you know, the Cantonese language is written in two different formats. One way, the tradition way, was the one I learned since I was a little kid. The other format was a newer, I believe it originated in Hong Kong or something, was much like the original except more scribbled-looking". Anyways, I opened the next section of that test and it all looked like scribbling to me. So I spent most of the remainder of time sifting through and guessing at words. Then, I decided to just skip through to the end. That is when I figured out that the back part of the test was the traditional format. "Damn it!" was the first words that rushed through my mind, along with a whole stream of foul consciousness. But of course, that was last week, and I already have my results back from the test. I believe I did relatively well. Relative to my usual grades in my classes and tests. Today, Monday, is the first day I have been to my RLM Biology discussion, thus making the actual first full week of school. I must say, I am completely exhausted. Biology discussion was quite an episode. We had an TA that had a really really bad accent. Much worse, he tried to give an oral review, and when he asked questions, everyone in the class stared at him blankly. Some ventured a guess softly, but the entire process took most of the discussion period. Then we took a quiz, which I found to be a bit difficult because I didn't understand teh oral review. I had to buy books today. Spent a whopping 129 dollars just on two stupid books that I probably won't be needing much. I could have found many many other uses for that 129, but this is college, land of the rich and prosperous, haha. Geez, look at my grammar in this essay, I think my english teacher would have a heart attack. Psych class was pretty interesting today. Dr. Pennebaker brought in a polygraph for demonstration in the class. I was completely fascinated by the experiment. Too bad I can't say the same for my Philosophy class. Its not a boring class, its just that he is got this very very soft weird voice, almost commanding me to fall into deep sleep. And so I obeyed. I notice that when I'm sleeping in class, my body still attempts to take notes while my brain is on standby. But of course, I wake up to find a whole lot of scribbling on my paper that does not make any sense whatsoever. You can definitely tell at what point in the lecture I crashed. The funniest part is, I lent my notes out to a friend that just got into the class, wishing him good luck. I think since I have been here at UT for the fall, I have become more stressed about little things and uncaring about other things that should be worried about. I have been wondering about how my friends have been doing, wherever they went. I worry about other stupid things that I feel the need not to bring up at this moment. However, I have not been worrying enough about schoolwork. I have been recreating too much. This weekend though, we went to Barton Springs to see a friend that came up to visit us from UTSA. Barton Springs was nothing like I had imagined. I absolutely loved it. Everything except the coldass water. Then on the trip back, with the windows rolled down and the wind in my face, it felt so good. It felt like summer again. Of course, I had enrolled in the UT Summer program. A little bit of work, but a lot less crowd. I miss summer.
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hmmm interesting clock. I didn't know there would be a clock timing me while I was doing this. I can't ummm. ummmmm,. ummmm. hmmmm. wonder if lunch with elon today will be good I mean. I wonder if we'll have a good conversation because the past times we've talked it seems we always run out of conversation . geee my feet feel kinda sweaty. its nice in the room but yet my feet feel sweaty must be the humidity setting on the air conditioning. Probably will tell dad the next time I meet him. Wondering how he will react when I tell him that I gave the guitar away. He will probably get mad but I have to try not to worry too much about what's going to happen and just trust in God who will help me. If God asked me to do it, I trust He will help me through whatever difficulty my faith may take me. Feet still sweaty. Times is ticking but I'm typing like I have a clock to beat. Ooh minimum number of words kinda thing. Wonder how ben is doing haven't mailed Him in a long time. Must be busy with his girlfriend or something like that. Hmmm I he still working in the botanical gardens. Don't know why I think that he is working in the zoo when he actually is working in a place with virtually no animals. Man my hair is getting in my face and all that. I didn't know I could type so fast with two fingers. Wait I need to tie my hair right. Ah ok that is not much better. Why do they have all the state capitols in a monthly planner. Thinking of something to write. Gee me feet are still sweaty. Maybe its some psychological thing. Thinking again of what to type. Hmmm I really should go and learn how to type properly and not just with four fingers. weird. Hmmm dog is sitting in the sun. Weird! He is hotter than most humans are and yet he still likes to sit out in the sun. Don't think he is cold blooded or anything like that. Hmm wonder what this letter is all about. 78727-3450. Full zip-code. Hmm the finish button looks good to click on. Hmmm what is this thing with humans and pushing buttons. Is there like some nerve in the brain that gives you the feeling of wanting to push buttons. I guess that is how people get into trouble. Push a button. Boom! Nuclear missile hits some other country. ok thinking of something to right. Man I have a lot of gas. Stream of consciousness writing. How could I really be type at the stream of my consciousness its like trying to chase a bullet train or something. Tap tap. Thinking of something. Hmmm rachel. scratch face. wonder what is going on between me and rachel. Will it never be over. Scratch ear. What's this tingling feeling I have in my feet. Weird it's gone. Man I feel like farting but I can't cause I'm afraid I'll poo in my pants. This is ridiculous I can imagine the person who gets to read this would be thinking what's up with this nutter. But then again I guess he is done it before so what he is thinking about is probably as crazy as the next person. Think I'll say hi. Hey sherlock. that should be right, right? He is the writing czar. what is a writing czar? its not like some kinda nazi right? Cause that would be scary. The writing nazi. Man I thinking I really need to go to the bathroom. Ok only 30 secs left. Hang in there. What? hmmm bleur! gah! woo hoo I'm almost done. till the next time. Good bye!
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Okay so I'm just going to start typing. Cough Cough I wonder how I got sick. Did I catch something from Joe because he was sick last week but maybe it was from sleeping with the fan on high. Oh well I'm feeling better today than I was before. Wow it hasn't even been two minutes yet. How am I going to keep thins up for twenty? Oh well at least it doesn't really matter what I type. I wish I knew how to type faster. I have to slow my brain down to get my fingers to keep up. Stupid geometry book. I hope that I did my homework proofs right. Thanks so much Mr. Knight for not making me do proofs in high school geometry. I'm really not an orange juice fan, but I have to drink it so that I can tell John that I did so he won't worry about me not getting enough vitamin C with my cold. Ooh I need to plug my cell phone in I think it's about to die. I'm really glad I called Mama today on the bus ride home. I miss her. I wonder what I should get her for her birthday. It seems like it was her birthday just yesterday. This year went by super fast. Six minutes down fourteen to go. I'm starting to get hungry. What do I want for dinner tonight? I kind of want to order some chicken wings but I shouldn't they're to fattening and we have tons of food here. I should make something. maybe I'll just heat up some chicken and dumplings. That would feel good on my throat. That tomato soup I had the other day was really good too, even if it was hill country fair or whatever that crazy generic HEB brand is. I miss Brookshire's and good old Hi Top brand. Nobody here has even heard of Brookshire's. I guess it's because their all from Houston. Fuck Houston. Houston is not Texas. People who say they've been to Texas but have only been to Houston haven't been to Texas. Any way doo doo doo dooty doo. I'm seriously running out of thoughts to type. cough cough I need to go to John's to get my Roubatusin. I'm fairly certain that's not how you spell that but oh well I never claimed to know how to spell anything. Today I saw this girl over near the MLK statue with food in her hands holding it out to the birds and she let pigeons and grackles land on her hand and eat out of it. Not only let them but wanted them to. I had to laugh because I realized that girl must not know shit about shit" to quote the Daily Show. Only five more minutes woo hoo. Let's see when I'm done here I should work on my Spanish homework but I think instead I'll fill in my new uncalandar. I was so excited when I found it at the co-op today. I had one last year and I loved it. Then I went back this year and I couldn't find them. When I saw them today I bought two in case they didn't have them again when I go to buy school supplies next August. Okay two and a half more minutes. I wonder if I should stop in mid sentence when tim is up or finish my thought. Did it say that in the instructions and I wasn't paying attention? Oh well I'll cross that bridge when I get there. I can't believe I forgot to print the confirmation page for my pretesting I hope I get that credit That was one of the most boring experiences of my life I would hate to think it was all for nothing. Or naught as John would say.
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As I look at my clock in the lower right hand corner it says 12:26AM on September 11. I am taking this time to reflect on the events that occurred to years ago. They still should strike a painful memory in every Americans life. I remind myself to take nothing for granted because it could end at any unexpected moment. I also feel a little stress with all of the homework that college brings along with it. Austin is so much different than my hometown of Lubbock, and it is taking me a while to get adjusted to it. However, I have absolutely loved the first three weeks of my tenure here so far. I cannot wait to say that I am a graduate of the University of Texas. That will mean so much to me and my family, since it will be an amazing accomplishment. I just remembered that my laundry basket is full, and I need to do that sometime before Friday since I may be leaving town for a Pat Green concert. Hopefully, the laundry room at the end of my floor, 6th in Jester West, will not be full. Surely I can get caught up on all of my reading by this weekend and be able to enjoy it to the fullest without worrying about school homework that I did not complete. I sure hope I can adjust to college as well as I have set my goals. My roommates are out of the room right now, and I am reminded how well it is to concentrate without them in here. They are both from Lubbock also, and I have been friends with them for about 6 years. My parents called today and it is very important to me to tell them how much I appreciate them paying for me to come down here. I know it is hard on them to adjust to my absence, but me and them know it is for the best. I am convinced that the Business program at UT will set me up for a very successful life. My hands and forearms are starting to ache from typing continuously, and my eyes are starting to close. I feel like falling asleep, but I know how much work I still have left to do. For some reason, I get most of my work done around or after midnight. It helps that I don't have a class until 10 on MWF and 12 on TTH. I am looking forward to meeting some girls this weekend and possibly trying out a new church. It is important to me to find a church in Austin and not forget the ways from which I was raised. Many people believe UT is so liberal that every student comes out weird, but I believe there is something for everyone in Austin. I have already met so many people just like me, and it is awesome. By far I can tell that college will be the best time of my life. The only thing I wish I could change is the dorm food. I am getting so tired of chicken every meal. I do not like oriental food or the hamburgers that they serve that basically limits it to chicken. Well the saying goes, everything tastes like chicken anyways. Maybe next year I can get an apartment with some of the new people that I meet and possibly the guys from Lubbock too. I am trying to figure out why my email is not working. It keeps making me re-log in and it is really getting annoying. Oh well, two more days to the weekend. Arkansas comes in town this weekend so it should be a fun game. I saw some of the football players today. Wow, they are so huge. They are like a different breed of people. I want psychologists to study their genes and see how they get so big. I know it is some sort of phenomenon or something. I figured out that in 2 minutes I have to find something new to do so I am already brainstorming. I wish every paper was this easy. English papers are so analytical and this is just what is on my mind. It could go on forever. I never have to stop and think. Dell: what an amazing company. How does someone without a college education make so much money? I hope my college education will lead me to success like that. Well, time is up.
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hmmm. I was wondering what I was going to think when I was planning to do the assignment. well, I can hear that tv. married with children. I thought they were off the air. this place feels a little cold. its friday what am I going to do today? sharon's or cullens place for sure. maybe downtown. hmmm. I have a paper to write my monday. I might want to get some sleep tonight and get a good start on it sat. its only two pages though. I better do a good job though. I have to read un redeemed captive this week to. I better thry and finish it sunday. I'm getting hungry. mexican food. taco C. hmmm. I might take a nap today. I want to work out today. I want to gain 10lbs before christmas. I need to work on my jump shot too. I miss playing ball everyday like I used to growing up. I'll go out to eat with eva at the texas club tonight then go play ball followed by working out. after that I'll be free for the rest of the night and be ready to party. I need to run a couple of miles to. I wondering how often you have to run in order to loose body fat. I wonder how long it would take me to get to 6%. 6 months? I'd have to eat right though. I wonder what it would take to walk on the Ut men's b-ball team. I guess I'd have to email someone and ask permission to play on the practice squad and go from there. hmmm. that would be great to work my way up there. if Drew could do it then I could do it . huge maybe but I'd have to commit myself. kinda like when I grew up playing everyday. I like this root beer. A&W never fails to make great drinks. Amys ice cream sounds good too. I wonder what my room mates are doing tonight. sean is probably staying home and doing nothing and cullen might be getting together with some of his friends from back in high school. I want to go to killeen this weekend but I have way to much work to knock out. I miss my lil brother jacob and sis caroline. I'll drive up there to see them as soon as possible. I wonder how my uncle joe is doing. I can't believe that him and emily are getting a divorce. they're only 30 and they have been married for 5 yrs and they seem right for each other. just goes to show what can happen to two people. you never know . dang that really bites because I hate to see my family break up. reminds me of my parents. and my dad. I wonder when the new lutheran service is. I need to get back into going to church. I belong there and I haven't found a church perfect for me in atx yet. I liked hyde baptist collegiate service. I'm not baptist though. anyways. I can't believe I'm going to be 21 in like 3 months. its more of a right of passage then anything. I still won't drink in public so its not that big of a deal but I always imagined 21 being in your 20s and a legal adult. I don't feel 21 though. that always seemed old to me. I don't think I have much time left on the writing assignment. hmmm. shrimp at the clubhouse tonight! I think I'm going to take eva up on her offer and go with her and her family.
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I really want to go take a nap but I can't because I have so much work to do. That's how it's been since rush started. Rush was when I really started feeling like my life was going through some changes that I didn't know if I could handle. Now that's it's over and now that school is underway, the stress doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I always heard that college would be super stressful but never realized that what people were referring too wasn't necessarily just the school work. I thought I was SO prepared to come to UT, and I guess based on my high school education I am, but I was not ready for trying to mix sorority and social life (one in which they expect you to go out every night) with school and my goal of a 4. 0. Now, for one of the first times, it feels like I'm not going to be able to reach my goal. I am so worried about it. I already know what I want to do with my life, and that just makes it more stressful, because I know what I need to do to get there. Oh well. I don't know what to do about Trey. He is my boyfriend, or actually we're on a break because he wants me to feel no extra pressure of feeling like I owe him time while I figure out UT and while I get situated with everything. I didn't know someone could care about me the way he does. And its so weird now because we always knew it would come to this and it just never seemed like it would matter. I guess nobody really knows what to expect. I spend more of my time helping other people and trying to make everyone in the world happy, that a lot of times I forget that my happiness is important too. I guess that's why me not feeling the need to make time for Trey has been good for me. It gives me less stress, but it feels like more is missing than just him. In everything I do I put my everything into it. So just knowing that I am missing opportunities to make him happy and even to make my parents happy by taking time to go have lunch with them, is tearing me up. This week my goal is to try to squeeze in school work and stuff, but also I am going to go to every social thing this week. I really want to make sure I give this sorority thing time to show why everyone who is in it, is so in love with it. My mom is real pushy about it. And my brother. I don't think anyone in my family realizes that my brother and I are two different people. I am not a partier, but we'll see I guess. I just really want to get good grades so I can choose where I want to go to medical school. My brother had to go to law school in Lubbock because he didn't get in to UT's. He was upset. I want to dictate my own future and where I want to go. I just took that pretesting survey a few minutes ago and I thought it was interesting the variety of questions they asked. I have a huge fear that someone is in the backseat of my car ALL the time. Well, only at night, like when I get in it after I've been inside or at someone else's house. I guess it's better safe than sorry, but it gets old. I don't know if that fear was there before I heard about my mom or if it just got worse after it. My mom has been through some stuff that I can't even imagine, and that I didn't find out about until this year. That would be weird, determining when your kids are old enough to tell them about certain things. Like her mom. My mom's mom was my favorite person in the world. She was always smiling and happy and genuinely kind to and interested in everyone around her, especially strangers. I found out also recently that she went through a long depression spell and when my mom was younger got electroshock therapy that changed her life. It hurt me when I found out about that because it seemed that I was in love with a different woman because it supposedly changed her personality dramatically. I don't really even know much about it. I really hope trey finds something he loves in this world. I really wish I knew how to motivate him. He told me the other night that he feels like a loser around mje sometimes, even though he is not at all. He is taking classes at ACC, where there isn't much school involvement or much room or making new friends. I'm at UT taking 16 hours, with goals and ambitions and a new social life and a new school to be excited about. I really can't imagine us not staying together but we've been through so much and it really seems like we are perfect for one another, it has since the first day. I get really sick of people saying I'm too young to know. Maybe I am, but I am a strong believer in finding things out for myself. I always have been. I miss high school sports a lot. That's where I got a lot of my self-esteem from. Those underclassmen and everyone looked up to me so much. I know that I am changing here, even though it hasn't really been new for very long, and I just hope I remember who I was when all this is said and done. I like myself and I don't' ever want to be just a person in the masses. I don't think I'm doing this free-write right. I don't think its supposed to be as much about my personal life. I just really have a lot on my mind, and I guess everyone else does too. I have to go eat dinner before I go get dressed for tonight so I'm glad the time is almost up. It almost feels better just to write everything down. I used to do that a lot. Write out my thoughts whenever I was stressed or upset. Now I'm so stressed I don't even have time to do that. Car rides are just about the only time I have to myself. Or when I'm working out. That's always nice, until it ends and I have to go to class all sweaty. I feel sorry for the people that have to sit by me after that!
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Wow, that clock starts right off the bat. I always get nervous when things are timed, even if they're not important. Dangerous liaison. " I like that Jason Mraz song, its really fun and catchy. The stations here play really different music on the the same station, when they say "mix", they really mean it. They don't mix things up like that on Houston stations. They should its really fun to hear all this stuff without having to get up and change the station. I'm tired. Going to the gym really wears me out. OOO Fastball, I love this song, its so old, but I forget the name of the song. I need to start remembering to bring change to the gym so I can get a locker there, hold all my stuff really gets annoying. Especially when you're riding the bike or something and there's no place to put your cd player and your keys and the screen on the bike keeps demanding for you to "steady hands on sensors" in order to read your heart rate. Sometimes you just don't care what your heart rate is because you're tired of holding your hands in the same position for 20 minutes, but if you dare to take your hands off it flashes that message and sometimes beeps at you threatening to end your turn and start the time all over again. I really hate those dang sensors. Yeah, I know they're habitual to stare at while your working out, but they really frustrate me. Yesterday, the reading was wrong, saying my heart rate was only 100, that is not even my heart rate when I first get on the thing. I was tempted to go get on another machine but I had waited in line forever for that machine, so I just tried not to let it bother me the whole time I was on it. But I guess it did because I'm still thinking about it today. Commercial, commercial, commercial, I don't care about the sale at Stein Mart. I don't like that store, they play elevator music in there. I felt bad for my friends who worked there, having to listen to that while they worked, plus they said the pay was not that great. But I guess you get used to it, they plated easy listening at the steakhouse I used to work at, by the end of the night, I was singing along with all the songs while rolling silverware. You would be oh so happy whenever christmas rolled around and they played something different, plus I just love christmas music, its so happy and light. I could sing jingle bells any time, its great! that and that sleigh bell song, I can't remember its name though.
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I don't know what to feel or think. I am so overwhelmed with everything. I have felt this way for the past two weeks, but it just seems like it is all crashing today. I think partly because me and my roommate are going home tomorrow. I feel like I have so much to do before we leave. I have so much homework everyday, and so much with my sorority, and I just want to have time to hang out and take it all in. Not saying that I never have time, because I do, but not much. Anyway, today we signed for our apartment next year. Its so crazy that you have to do that this early here. But I am so excited about it. I'm living with my roommate, my suitemate, one of my pledge sisters, and both of her suitemates. it's going to be so awesome. So I had to pay that money today and in a couple of days, we have to pay like 600 dollars again, so that is a little crazy. I can't wait until I get used to this lifestyle and it all feels right. like I'm having a blast and everything, but I feel so busy. I missed my first class today because I was so behind on reading in another class. I'm hoping I can control myself with that and not miss too often. I feel so behind in most of my classes. three of my classes have been all reading, and that is so hard for me. I'm such a slow reader. I just need a weekend where I do nothing but homework and study, but I won't ever have that, because there's football here, and I like to have fun on the weekends. so, I love my sorority. They are all the sweetest group of girls. We have such an awesome pledge class. I'm living with one of my pledge sisters who I have become pretty close to her. I love her she is awesome. We had our pledge retreat last weekend, and I got to know so many more of the girls. I can't say too many good things about all of them. and I love the actives, too. The seniors have been so sweet to us. Our pledge trainers are the cutest things ever. I love going there and feeling so loved by everyone, it really is a comforting feeling in this crazy place. Anyone of them would do anything for us, and that makes me feel so good, and safe. Did I mention that I feel like I'm doing homework nonstop. haha. I really need to read tonight, I have to stay ahead. or rather get ahead. that is the one thing that I heard over and over again from college students: stay ahead on your work. I need to try harder to do that, because in high school I was such a procrastinator and I can't be like that here. I really need to do good, but does not everybody. especially since I want to get into the PPA program. my problem is, I can study when no one's here, and when everyone on my hall is sleeping or in class, but when they're all home, I love talking and goofing off with them. me and my suitemate love to dance so we always make up dances in front of the mirrors. I know, we're dorks, but we have fun. Our hall in my dorm is so awesome. its crazy how close we got in such a short amount of time. I feel so lucky. Even people on other floors in my dorm notice it, there like, I wish I was on your floor yall are so close. and we're always like, yeah we know. haha. but oh well. so me and courtney are going home tomorrow! I'm so excited. I want to see everyone so bad. I'm really excited to see my sister and my dog. I'm excited to see everyone, but I saw my mom and dad and one of my sisters last weekend at the football game. I have not seen my oldest sister since I moved down here. she is pregnant and due in october. I am so incredibly excited. its crazy. I say crazy a lot, but maybe because that is what my life is right now. and I can't wait to see my dog , ellie, either. I love her so much, and miss her so much. she is a dalmation and 10 years old and so cute and lazy and just likes to be pet. she is my favorite. I need to decide what I want my mom to cook for dinner tomorrow night. I am so ready for a home cooked meal. I wish I was staying a little longer. we're leaving tomorrow afternoon at like 1230, and then we're coming home on friday after the homecoming pep rally we're going to, because there's a football game here at 11 on saturday. and I'm NOT missing a football game here. I love college football, and I love TEXAS football. it is so much fun. I have to go stand in line for OU tickets in the morning. I think I got a pretty good number, from what I here, so how awesome would that be if I got tickets my freshman year. that's going to be one crazy game, and its going to be so cool to get to go and actually be a part of the school. its going to be totally different than watching in still in high school. my birthday is in 2 weeks. I can't wait. I'm going home that weekend. so that will be really fun. I love birthdays. I'm so anxious for my sister to have her baby, its due in like 4 weeks, so you never know. she may have it early or she may have it late. her name is abby. and she is going to be the cutest thing ever. I can't wait to be an aunt. I hope she has chubby cheeks. I'm so excited. yay!
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Today I felt very happy. This morning at church I felt more comfortable becuase it was more traditional to me. I guess after my youth back at my hometown that's all I like. My stomach hurts a little right now, as much as I eat I don't know why I keep losing weight. Last night was our date with Martha and Zra, it didn't go as planned, at least for me. I don't know what the deal is, but my luck with women is just not the best. Man, those little granola bars are the best, the one I ate with my salad today. I'm thinking about talking to that girl in the cafeteria. She is 22 I think, but then again, age is only a number in college. In college it doesn't feel like I'm classified anymore, it's just that I'm an adult now. Since I've been here, I miss my family, but I haven't gotten homesick. Traffic here is horrible, it's to fast. I want to see that new movie Freddy v. s. Jason. I don't know why but I read that this girl wasn't into scary movies. It's dark outside, I think I'm going to go run after this. Well the Titans v. s. Raiders game is on. I went to Ernie's house yesterday to go watch all the football games that went on for college. Hopefully I don't get challenged for beating Robby and Ernie at NCAA. That referee has an anoying voice. I ate a cookies and cream Ice Cream bar, it was pretty good. My roommate is laying down. I don't know why it seems he doesn't have as much school work as I do. I type pretty fast for a guy. I really need to get that program for my computer with Power point and all. Right now I'm looking at a picture of my family and pet's. I think I have to have the best parent's ever, I mean, if it weren't for them I wouldn't be here right now. I kind of want to here some Ron Isley. This guy said he french kiss a french woman. Kinda funny. This weekend we went to Spiro's, met up with Stephen, couldn't get a wristband. My printer is so slow, it's loud also. My fingers are kind of cramping and I still have 10 minutes left. There is a little running icon on the left of my screen. The sky looks awesome right now, it's like the sun just passed the horizon. I got back in at 5 a. m. last night. I was pretty tired, I ate a pop tart before I went to bed. I don't know why, but I knew I shouldn't have ate but I was hungry. I always think to myself If you just sleep through it, you won't be hungry" I talked to Brittany today, she is pretty hot. I think she has a boyfriend back in her hometown. Speaking of which, why is everyone going back home? They just got here. I know if I went to Tech I wouldn't be going home all the time. I keep hearing a little bit of words from the TV and it said " the crowd is loud " and "another flag down " Stickie note says, Aug 29 FIG meeting. Our FIG supervisor is pretty hot also. She is a sophomore, so maybe I could talk to her too. Next week we play arkansas. I remember one time at Tech during my athletic training for NCA, I thought I was in a tornado. Rosalinda was eating pizza that night. A bright neon light. I hope that this test doesn't say that I think about food to much, I've said something about food like 6 times. I used to be a big guy, 280 lbs. Now I'm down to 210. I feel better, just not sculpted. I'm kinda nervous to go to Greogory gym to go join a rec sport. I'm not sure how it works and I don't have the money to just throw up in the air. Hey, I just looked away from the computer for once. Right now as I type I'm looking at all the wires on the floor. That could start a fire. Nah, the papers are not close enough. That didn't make sense. I have this candle from initiation the other night. I kept it because I like keeping sentimental. I also collect coca cola bottles. I gave up cokes like a year ago. I think this whole year I might of had 10 cokes all together. That's healthy. Especially here, all you can do is sweat here, I hate it. The trash can is fully, I threw it yesterday but I forgot to put a bag in it. I hear someone passing outside. You know, sometimes I drift away from my mind set when I drive. It's like I don't remember how I was driving from point A to point B. It's kind of hard to explain. It usually happens when I have a millions things running through my head. Internet globe. That recycling commercial keeps coming on that bad ass station. 93. 3. Love. My mom loves me, she wants to send me money for my birthday next week. Wow, the big 19. I'm getting old, only 2 more years and all will be good. Something I've waited for in awhile. My grandparent's. God bless their souls. I miss them so much. Love you Grandma and Grandpa!
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wow I really need to shower but I'm going to go work out later so that is ok. maybe tim will come and abbey and mike, they would be so cute. I don't know though but I'm glad tim called me yesterday. the flowers aunt michelle sent me are getting old where should I put them, I guess in the waste basket thing by the stairs. I wish I could use those but every time I go down for lunch you can't get in from that staircase, its annoying. I'm really hungry. I was not supposed to eat the snickers and kit kats but I mean I practically had vegetables for lunch so its ok, plus its the weekend soon and I don't want to waste it. I forgot to go draw my tickets, I never know when to go. I should look it up soon but I can't go now because sunny and abbey have not given me their IDs and its probably too late anyway. and lets see only like an hour till psychology, I want to sleep but ate the candy so I'd stay awake and its working I mean I'm a little tired but not too much. I went to bed around like 1 last night but I wanted to study more, but my roommate was sleeping and she gets mad or annoyed sometimes when I turn on the light, like its a spotlight on her or something. anyway kinda pisses me off and I have to do everything in the dark which takes forever, I have to brush my teeth, take my pills, do my nose drops, lots of stuff. and then she wakes up really early - well she had a class, but she didn't wake up to her alarm and I did. and then when she left it went off again and I still had an hour to sleep before I had to get up to get dressed. it was cool though. my room is nice and clean now, the maid lady came because she forgot to come yesterday. I can't really do this if my roommate is in here, oh well. she is about to come in, I hope I can focus! this is really hard to think of things to say because I have never really paid attention to my stream of consciousness. I don't know if I'll be able to draw my tickets tomorrow because my classes are in the morning and I don't know what time it closes. probably all sold out anyway, so many people here. but its funny because I'm not meeting as many people as I'd like to, but I have only gone to like one frat so. I'm glad I met tim though, that was kind of random and he is really cute. and abbey seems to like mike, who really likes her, and they would be cute too. but abbeys is either changing a lot or living a lie, she goes to frats like 4 times a week, its crazy. and I have been friends wither her for like 10 years so I know she procrastinates so I hope she gets her work done. I don't think she is though because she always says she has hw and then leaves to go party or something, whatever though. we might go get coffee later at barnes n noble, its such a far walk. I don't need coffee either but I think abbey thinks I'm mad at her so I'm going to go anyway and just study I guess. I mean I knew college was a lot of studying but I didn't think it'd be this much. maybe because I'm such a slow reader. I only read about 20 pages per hour. and in the textbook its only 10 per hour. its so slow and so many pages. I finally finished the psychology homework like 2 hours ago, it was sort of interesting but I hope the next chapters are better. I don't think I'm retaining anything. which is bad because I read for so long that you'd think I'd be learning it. I get psychology confused with philosophy and then can't seem to remember either of them. but in class I listen and I get it, then after I try to think about it and all my classes run together. yesterday was especially bad because I got my first grade on a calculus homework assignment. I made a 71 and it really pissed me off because I worked so hard and asked the teacher assistant for help but he gave me the wrong answer and I trusted it. he also didn't do some examples on the board correctly, which made me get another one wrong. today he was all ?oops? yeah it made me mad. but oh well I can drop it according to the syllabus that I don't have printed out. I hope whoever reads this does not think I'm a psycho or anything, or can't spell because its either a typo or I just don't spell well. I really am a good student though and I'm really sad about the calculus hw because it was my very first college grade and I have been waiting for all my hard work to pay off, and it sucked. I was in the bathroom at kerby lane and I cried when I told my dad, I always do that. its good that I have bangs now because if I were to cry or not pluck which I need to do, you can't tell that much. I'm funny about crying, I do it when something really touches my heart, which is kind of often I guess. but pain wise I'm pretty tough, I played basketball for so long. I'm so accident or injury prone. I swear I always get hurt. at the football game that hurt so much when I stepped on that glass I think there was still some in my foot but beth said there was not. it does not hurt anymore so that is alright. I just hope everything goes well for me I mean I really wanted a 4. 0 gpa but now I'm scared. maybe being scared will hinder my performance, so ill stop worrying about it and just trust that I'm smart enough. twenty minutes is almost up.
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wow I feel really tired right now why the hell did I schedule five classes three days of the week oh well alright I don't feel stupid typing this at least my roommate is getting less psycho except for the whole 2 alarms and 1 phone call everyday at the same time I have so much crap to do let me think read about 5 million pages, chem hmwk, get computer paper so I can stop stealing my roommates and a lot of other crap I'm glad that I'm living in Kinsolving Jester sucks haha Cheryl's cousin and Byron have to live there. lame o anyhow I'm glad that I got to talk to my mom today I should talk to the rest of my family more often it's kind of weird not seeing them everyday I kind of miss them don't get me wrong I don't want to be back in corpus but there are a lot of people that I care about and who care about me there I guess that is why I still feel like corpus is my home not austin although austin is way more badass more things to do I wonder how cecily is doing with her school stuff haha that was so funny today in philosophy when he showed that simpson clip about lisa and she was not going to get into harvard and she was like I Don't want to go to Browne! I wonder how Jamie is doing I got to give her a call sometime soon and annette I hope that walter comes down to austin for a visit I think that that would be really fun woohoo it's friday we going to party oh yeah and karyn I need to calll her too but she is been kind of flakey lately I really have to pee why didn't I go before I started? I still have like 12 minutes ahh anyhow I don't know about sorority stuff it takes up so much time and I have so much to do oh well we'll see hopefully I don't have to go to all the meeting because that would take up too much time. They're nice girls I just don't know if I like it yet. I really don't want to live in the house next year that would be sucky I want to get an apartment but I do think that it is cool living on campus your first year because you meet so many new people yeah anyhow I really really got to pee I won't think about it haha this is so lame what the hell am I doing and why I guess it's kind of cool. kind of like talking to yourself. real cool whatever tonight I'm going to rum another mile got to get back into soccer shape you know how that goes oh I sure do hahaha alright I sound really psycho I can't wait until we get a break I'm going to get a massage that'll be nice hard work then a sweet ass reward I got to call cec and cheryl today get some normalcy back into my life people that arent fake or weird well a little weird but will tell me like it is and make me feel at home that is what I think I need a balance between my future and my past which I couldn't do in CC My mom just called and she can't get the radio to work anyway a connection from the real me the old me to the me I'm involving into I don't think that I am changing that much well a lot more responsibility personal responsibility but not too many changes in my personality ahh my hands are getting tired of typing my roommate is getting cooler she does not eep me up to 5 am anymore thank god oh yeah I think I'm going to go to church Sunday I can't forget about that because I want to meet new people at that church and I want to have a few seconds of peace in my life when everything's not such at a fast pace a place where I can breathe ahhh I'm so tired and I still HAVE to pee please hurry and end so I can pee ahh less than two minutes alright time fly by faster my stomach is growling too maybe I'll go eat a little later alright well less than a minute got to go to the bathroom alright ok hrmmm not really thinking about anything else except I got to pee ok got to go almost do
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Well I've finally sat down to start writing this and I'm wondering where its going to go. I don't feel like I have a whole lot to say though I'm sure I'll end up babbling for the next 20 minutes. Its rather cold in here. I turned on the air conditioning because it was hot and now its a little too cold. I'm borderline shivering. I suppose that is preferable to sweating constantly though as I expected Texas to be. Feeling pretty hungry as well. I haven't eaten since about 9am. I meant to go get some dinner at Kinsolving around 6pm but lost track of time and now they're closed. Its really annoying how they close so early. Even if I were to go eat at 7pm I'd end up hungry again before I go to bed and eating microwavable dinners doesn't prove particularly satisfying or healthy. This laptop keyboard is being a real pain as I try to type this. I'm not used to it at all because I just got this computer yesterday. My poor typing could also be due to the complete darkness in here, I suppose I should turn some lights on but its kinda nice keeping it cool and dark. My roommate is at his engineering lab right now so its pretty quiet. I'm a bit bored as it is. The whole dorm itself is pretty quiet except for the two guys next to us who feel the need to play guitar and sing (poorly I might add) crappy punk songs. Judging by his volume and consistency I'd venture a guess to say he actually thinks he is pretty good. Unfortunately for him, and all of us who have to endure his endless moaning he is quite the opposite. Oh well, I suppose that is part of dorm life. As I thought I would I've found myself making use of suppose, although, and though a little too often. I think that I think it makes my writing sound smarter or something when it in fact usually ends up diluting my points and making for some long sentences (like this one). I just realized I have yet to break this up into multiple paragraphs which makes it rather hard on the eyes. There's a paragraph break just for style points even though there aren't any of those. Speaking of hurting eyes I'm wondering whether this laptop screen might hurt my eyes after awhile. Its at a rather high resolution but its still fairly clear. I don't feel any eye strain so I'm hoping its a non factor. Unfortunately, the fancy (but cheap) office chair I bought is rather uncomfortable after long periods. And I find myself leaning over the desk in a rather uncomfortable manner, both for my back and neck. Hopefully its something I'll adjust too. In retrospect that paragraph break was a good idea. It makes this look much less like some random ramblings although it would be quite obvious that the contrary was true to anyone who was reading this (you). There I go with the 'although' again. Its really rather annoying. My constant use of rather is also somewhat annoying. For some reason I imagine someone with a British accent saying rather everytime I type it. After I wrote those last few sentences I started thinking of pre-testing and its questions that are meant to probe your inner soul. Which then of course prompted me to wonder how one (you) would analyze my constant annoyance with my own writing style. What does this say about me? I don't know, nor do I care. Although (dammit) I would once again venture a guess and say nothing. Boy time flies when you're babbling and rambling. I was hoping for some synonym there but it wouldn't come to me so I just let it go. Thank god I won't be taking much in the way of English courses the next couple years. Writing weekly papers for the last four years has been tiresome to say the least. I feel a headache coming on now. Probably from staring at the computer screen for the last 2 hours or so. Although (I can't stop myself) I've sat in front of one far longer than that before with no ill effects. I often wish I knew all the weird stuff that goes on in the body so I would know exactly what was happening when something started to ache or twitch or some such thing. I recently found out that the twitching muscles in your leg can be caused by potassium deficiencies (I think I butchered that but I can't be bothered to figure out how to spell it). It actually works out nicely that the only fruit consistently in Kinsolving is bananas although (its unbelievable really) they've been a bit over ripe the last few times I went there. Well down to my last ninety seconds. If you were or are hoping for something even remotely enlightening or insightful well you're just flat out of luck. So I've managed to type random sentences here for the last twenty minutes and its worked out alright. I didn't type out the last two numbers because I didn't want to look for them on the laptop keyboard. And I'm done. Yay. Now for more homework.
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I can't stop sniffling. I don't even know if that's how you spell it. I'm so pissed off that I'm getting sick. I guess that's what happens when you live in a dorm. I better not get some crazy disease though. I probably won't. Should I finish my homework? Or should I just pass out. I would prefer to do that latter. My bio 211 class sucks a lot of balls. The professor I think is just TRYING to sound intimidating, and if that is the case, then she is doing a really good job at it. Man, I really really want to be a doctor. I'm not as smart as everyone else. Things don't just come to me. I have to work for it. This may, in the end, work in my favor, being that if I(and hopefully I will)succeed, I will feel all the more complacent. But that's just wishful thinking. I'm really going to stop with the caring about capitalization. when I type emails I never capitalize my I's--well I just did. but that's different. there was this guy I one knew that always made me feel stupid if I didn't spell things right. I know how to spell. and I believe he knew I knew how to spell, but I think he took some kind of pleasure in my feelings of inferiority. perhaps, I will always feel that way when I am around him. well it hasn't stopped for about 5 years now. who would have thought that we would end up at the same university. I mean I know it's not a big deal, being that UT is enormous and all, but he is not going to escape me--I wish I want him to escape me. but I don't. that's not good at all. what a jerk. I mean ok, well he is not really a jerk," but I always feel like he is messing with my mind. maybe I'm just the one that's screwed up. I think I am. I'm really glad I didn't seem him today. I needed a break from all that. good break from it right? here I am in my "stream of consciousness" talking about it. I don't know if I spelled that C word write either--but who the hell cares right? wow--I'm really glad it didn't push Finish on me there. sometimes that happens. that would have really sucked because I have already spent 8 min and 47sec typing this. I kinda like typing. it makes me feel pretty cool. thank goodness I'm a fast typer. if I wasn't, things like this would really suck. (I'm trying not to say 'suck balls') --now I'm laughing. I don't know where I got that expression from. maybe it was my sister. yes, yes, I have a TWIN sister. ohhh ahhh. a twin? does she look like you? are ya'll identical? blah blah. yes yes and no. the end. if I spoke anymore about this and this is in some way published before the class, there would a better hint as to who the writer of this stream of consciousness is. it's alright. not that I mind. I miss my nephew. he is the cutest thing in the world. I miss when he would try to say "bob the builder. " what a cutie! he learned to say my boyfriend's name before he learned to say my own name--yeah I was a little upset at first, but it's really no big deal. I am glad he has a solid man-figure in his life. the boyfriend's a good role model and he obviously loves my nephew very much--oops just sneezed. wow and sorry the phone's ringing. I can't be mean and be like hey I'm typing this stream of consciousness thingy. ok that's over, and I just realized that the spelling of consciousness has been at the heading of this page the whole time. I am a genius. beautiful. well I was spelling it right--that's good. man, sometimes I start to think in spanish. that's cool isn't it. I kinda like that. I wish I could speak fluently though. it would make things a lot a lot easier. I really do want to go to spain. it's on my list of things to do in my life, along with help others, become a pediatrician, and give back. I love my major. I'm so glad I chose it. we had a great discussion today about poverty and things of that nature. I am definitely a democrat but that doesn't mean I'm some liberal. liberals get such a bad wrap--it's not true. you know what else gets a bad wrap? jester. jester really isn't that bad. to me, when people complain about jester, they just sound really really spoiled. I know that's judgmental but oh well. I love how it's really social. that's how I met one of my really good friends here. we were in our HORRIBLE community bath --no it's not really horrible-- and that's how we met. she is really cool, from out of state. time's almost up. adios amigo.
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Well, here I am; doing a paper that was assigned weeks ago hours before it is due. I do not know what it is that causes me to procrastinate as much as I do. Lack of sleep, maybe. Laziness, probably. I consider myself a good student, but when it comes to doing papers or projects I always put it off until the last minute. I just got home tonight, its past midnight, and I am tired. I really want to go to sleep so I am not dead during classes tomorrow. I am worried about how things are going to work out grade-wise. This is my first experience with a grading system such as college, with so much emphasis placed on tests and very few other grades. Pretty much all my classes are going well, but I am not sure how I am going to study for exams. However, I think that if I keep up my study habits that got me here, I will do just fine. I am really hungry right now because lunch was my last meal and I do not want to eat now because apparently it is bad for you to eat before you sleep. My eating habits worry me too now. Three solid meals a day used to do it for me, but now breakfast is gone and one large meal a day is usually all I go for. My head itches a lot now that my hair has grown out. I really love music. No matter how my day is going, there is always a song out there that can raise my spirits. I enjoy all different kinds, and I have listen to a variety since I have started writing. It is quite weird now that I think about it, but music is one of the only things that can truly mellow me out. I have always been a calm, collected person but there is just something about it that I truly love. The whole college experience has been great so far. I love the campus, the professors, and the people. Most of my professors give great lectures, and class is actually enjoyable now. I almost look forward to each new school day now that I'm at the University. Being on my own and experiencing what life has out there is so awesome, but there are times that I wish I was still back home in high school, not worrying about anything.
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I am sitting at my small desk, looking at my computer I am not sure what I should be writing about, so I just type my shoulders hurt and I am ready to go to bed but I have so much more to do before I leave tomorrow to go home I am excited about seeing rich I wonder what we will do I know I have to work a lot and I w2ill probably be tired when I am done, but I will probably still want to go out because all I do here is work, study, work out, and try to keep my life in order cleaning my root day was a pain in the ass, finding places for everything sucked, and I still am not done. it will feel like a dark cloud over my head until everything is in place, which is likely to never occur. my roommate passed out tonight while studying. she works crazy hard and is so focused. right now she keeps mumbling in her sleep. it is pretty funny. I hope I don't disturb her. I don't know if she would want me to wake her up because she fell asleep in her clothes and stuff on her book. I'll probably just turn the lights off or something like that. I am craving some ice cream right now. I want vanilla frozen yogurt with granola. mmmmm. that will be my reward for getting this done early. I am glad that I finished my astronomy assignment tonight. it was just another thing that was hanging over my head. I have all this damn reading to do. and I can't seem to get past any of it because the second I finish one chapter, there is another chapter due in that book and in my other classes. Plus studying for that menu test. it should be fine though. I always get more stressed than I need to over everything. I like my laptop, but these keys piss me off. I don't understand why certain things happen. the cursor moves and it messes up what I am typing. grrrrr. I also want a diet coke. I am having trouble understanding why people gain 15 lbs when they go to school. I walk my ass off to and from classes. I am so afraid that I am going to gain weight. I didn't have time to make it to the swimming pace today. grrrrr. and I haven't done the firm today either. I really should. I need do. but I woke up too damn late to do it. I hope I get up at a good time tomorrow morning. I wonder when rich is going to call. I think when I finish this I am going to take a shower. that will feel good, and rich will probably call super late, whenever fox's closes. I miss him. I hope he is having fun, I wish I was 21 already. it is such a pain in the ass. I feel so much older. this juv del class is totally opening up my eyes to understanding different cultures and ways of thinking. and it is making me seriously doubt the stigma of underage drinking. I know they have their reasons, young drinking affecting high school, and drinking and driving accidents and whatnot, but still. How can I be treated as an adult in the court system, work place, and everything else, but still not be allowed to drink alcohol? That doesn't make sense at all to me. how can my friends be allowed to fight in war yet not drink beer? that is silly. and frustrating. and now that I know how the laws came to be how they are, I am even more stupefied by it. I love that class and teacher. he teaches basically directly out of the book, so I just have to skim read it, and that is pretty awesome. and his lecture is interesting, and he makes me laugh. that is so important. a sense of humor is everything. I like my nut teacher too, but learning that stuff makes me fee guilty for eating. if these damn pop-ups don't stop soon, I am going to have a serious problem. I am glad I am leaving again this weekend. even though everyone says leaving is bad, I still have a great time at home. and right now, I don't feel like I am missing out on anything here. I am going to try to balance it well, but I love spending time with rich. I love him, and I think he brings out the best in me. he has such a great sense of humor. and I laugh all the time when I am with him. I laughed so much at dinner tonight with them and bryttne. not at brytt so much, but em and I are so open
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Ok well here I am sitting in my dorm room trying to finish this assignment. Earlier today I had called the student financial aid services because all of my financial aid hasn't come through yet. But now they said it should be getting here anytime soon. And one more thing I still need to do is go get a book for my government class because earlier in the week, they had said that it had been ordered although it wasn't there yet. So I'm probably going to have to go later on today. Then my roommate is going to the football game tomorrow morning. I still don't have a sports package and I didn't buy a ticket so this time I won't be seeing the game. I have a paper due for government on monday concerning my political views and where I come from and who or what has influenced me to think that way. I'm still unsure as to what exactly I will be saying. I just have a couple of ideas written down in a piece of paper. Oh man, yesterday some friends and I went to go work out and for some reason my legs are kind of sore right now. We're probably going again today, but who knows. I'm starting to get a little hungry now, I ate breakfast this morning but I'm getting hungry again. Oh I almost forgot, today is my friend's birthday, I need to call him after I finish this assignment. He is back at my hometown, El Paso, but I'm still calling him to wish him a happy birthday. For some strange reason our room always gets real cold. And then our neighbors have the little thing to control the air conditioner but supposedly they can't move it unless we fill in some sort of request. And then other people down the hall complain that it's too hot in their room. I don't know but whatever. My board here in the room looks kinda plain right now. I was initially going to put up some posters a while back, but I ended up doing other stuff and then I would get lazy, so till now the board still looks bare. All I have is one poster on one of the walls here to my right. And then the curtains we put up kept falling at the beginning but we finally got them to stay. All I need now is to actually get the other pictures I wanted to put up already. Oh and then there's my calendar on the wall too, but that's about it. I'm definitely going to finish that this weekend. Last night our neighbors were making a lot of noise and I just couldn't fall asleep. Soon enough I did though. And then I had to wake up early because I have an eight o' clock class, but I managed to do it. So now I'm just here waiting for my roommate to get back from work because we need to go to the store and I need to get a book. Then she said she wanted to buy some jersey for the game on saturday. While I'll be sleeping in, she will be at the game. she can later tell me how the game went, because last time it was raining, hopefully it won't rain again. Now I'm a bit thirsty, I think I'm going to go get myself something to drink from downstairs. Ok that was all for my 20 minutes. finished.
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I am thinking about why exactly I am writing this. I am thinking about how each of my fingers move to touch the keys. Roseanne is on and it is starting to distract me. I really should pay attention to the writing but the sound of the people speaking is distracting me. The show is talking about feminism, which brings up an interesting point. I really don't like women who are amazingly feministic. I just forgot what my next thought was. Oh well, I feel kinda of hungry. Maybe I should get something to eat. But instead I have this laptop sitting on me while I try to type my steam of consciousness. Speaking of stream of consciousness, which I spelled wrong above. The stream of consciousness is something that I read in the textbook. Some doctor of psychology came up with this idea that monitoring the stream of consciousness will lead to people understanding more about themselves. Roseanne just made a joke and it is funny. But as I was thinking or writing which ever one your prerogative chooses. Before I digress, or maybe I will or maybe I won't. Now that I choose to reflect on my day I realize that I didn't get that much accomplished, but there is still a lot of the day left. I am really not sure where I am going from here. There was just a commercial about the aggie came against utah. boy I sure do love hi I just answered my phone and it is Kristi my friend she is also in psychology. we are talking about this assignment. she is walking back from the dobie center. I am supposed to meet her and her friend Richard. I am going to play Richard in football on the video game. Boy I really like football. Like I was saying I love football and I can't wait till the game against Arkansas. Boy that is sure going to be a good game. I just happened to notice that I only have six minutes left to write. I really like this assignment it is really fun. My hands are getting tired of typing and I just thought back to when professor said that someone put in instructions to a vcr that is definitely funny. I really don't like Roseanne but somehow she is getting my attention. I am really trying to concentrate on what I am thinking but I believe that is the reason it is hard for me to write more, because I am thinking so hard. My computer fan just turned on and that means it is starting to get hot. But in here it is actually cool. Speaking of my dorm room, I really like it. Well my 20 minutes is up but I am just going to finish writing this last line right here.
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Right now, I am thinking about my chemistry homework and test. I am very nervous about it and I am worried that I may not succeed to my fullest potential. I am also very nervous and anxious about doing this writing assignment because I have never done this before. I'm also listening to music because it helps me to relax. I am cold and sometimes in makes it difficult to concentrate because my attention is focused on my coldness. I pretty much just look around the room every single day and it helps me to think things through. I also think about the things I have done wrong in my life and how it is that I can go back and correct them. There is this person I love so much with my entire heart, but I don't like him hanging around my best friend. Wait, its more like I don't like for her to hang around him. Yesterday, she just freaked me out because she just came up to us, my friends and I, and she just leaned on my boyfriend. What kind of a friend is she to do that? She knows that I hate for her to be around my boyfriend. And every time she is around him I end up getting mad at him, when, in reality, I should be getting mad at her. There are so many things I want to tell her, but I'm afraid I'll end up hurting her, but I feel she needs to know that it does hurt me a lot when I see her flirting with my boyfriend. She has always been boy crazy, its just that people don't know that. Every time she is around him I get this ugly feeling in my tummy like there is something very wrong. And then today just out of nowhere I told her that she needed to find herself a man, a companion that she could spend time with and stay away from me and my boyfriend. I know I shouldn't say that, but its true. I have always been very insecure about myself, but my boyfriend always tells me that I am beautiful and that he loves me very much. I truly believe him and in my heart that we love each other. Its just my best friend somehow interferes. I figure is she keeps on doing that I am going to let her know how I feel because I don't want to keep my feeling all bottled up inside of me. First of all, I have never been able to deal with my feelings so I pretty much just kept them bottled up inside. I don't know why I did that but I did, up until the time I started going out with my boyfriend. He changed me and the way I felt about myself and I cherish that because he has made a huge impact in my life. I love him so dearly. Anyways, enough about that. I talked to my dad about an hour ago. I call him every day, twice a day in fact. I am what you call Daddy's Little Girl!" I am very proud to say that because I love my father very much. He has done so much for me and I wish there was a way that I could give something back. The thing is I used to be able to tell my dad everything, but then something changed. I stopped telling certain things. I guess he kind of saw me as something I wasn't and that made me very sad. In fact, I'm getting teary-eyed right now. It's like my father had this whole other image of the daughter he wanted. I tried to tell him that I was different, but he just wouldn't understand. And now that I am over here at college its like, I wish I could take back every bad thing I did to him. I want to tell him everything that has happened in my life, some good things and some bad. I want him to know all the obstacles and temptations that I have encountered throughout the past few years. I feel he needs to know what his daughter has gone through in her life. A few days ago when I talked to him, I felt homesick. When I hung up with him, I started crying. I poured my heart out right in front of my boyfriend. I told my boyfriend everything about how I wanted to have a better relationship with my father. I want to let him know that I love him so much and that I appreciate him for everything he has done for me. I also miss my mom because she has always done things for me and taught me different things. She is special to me because of who she is. I love her dearly. I miss my little brother and older brother too. I also miss my dog and my cat. They are like my children. They are growing up without their mommy and that makes me sad. I want to be there for them. I love my dad, mom, brothers and boyfriend. I hope they know that they mean a lot to me and that I am lucky to have them as a part of my life.
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Well, first I'm thinking that I should've done this a few days ago instead of on the last day. There are still a few hours left, but it's never good to procrastinate. I guess it's ok because I've been very busy lately doing work for other classes. I'm usually in my dorm doing work instead of going to 6th street and getting drunk, which is what I thought I was supposed to be doing. Some of my friends call me a hermit" now because I'm in my dorm doing work a lot of the times. I don't really care. I'd rather be responsible. I do go out though. Yesterday I went with some friends to go watch a volleyball game. Now I'm feeling full and satisfied because I just ate a pizza and I was extremely hungry. I haven't felt this satisfied in a while. I don't really like most of the food in the cafeteria, but the pizza is good. I miss the food at home. I miss home a lot. I miss my family even though I talk to them over the phone just about every day. It's just not the same when you are away. Life at home this summer was so simple. I was just in my house very comfortable and without worries. I would go out with my girlfriend every few days. I miss her desperately. I think I was supposed to also describe what I'm smelling. I don't really smell anything right now. I wish I could smell my girlfriend's perfume again. I think that's my favorite smell of all. It's weird because I sometimes "remember" what the scent was. I don't think that's supposed to happen. Now I'm thinking that I've been typing too damn much and my hands are getting tired. Oh well. It's in the name of science. Now I'm thinking that someone might probably be reading this. I feel sorry for whoever has that job. Sorry for writing this much. Sorry for not being very interesting. Now I'm remembering that I missed the rain again. I missed yesterday's rain because I was in my psychology class. When I got out, the ground was wet. It happened again today on the count of my pre cal class. Now I'm thinking that I probably should've done this thing on internet explorer instead of netscape because I think there should be a timer above this box thingy. Now I don't know when to stop. I'm probably going to stop too soon. I'll get an F in this assignment. I'll fail this class and be dropped. Then I won't be considered a full time student because I'm only taking 12 hours. I'll be forced to go home, and I will go home a failure. Hmm. that probably won't happen. After all, I've been having so much here, even though it is away from all that I hold dear. I think I have 10 more minutes to go. Now I'm feeling that I have to go take a leak. Dammit. It'll have to wait. I'm still not sure what this is for and what it studies. Maybe someone will read this and say that I'm crazy. That would be funny. All I need is confirmation. Now I'm thinking that my time would be better spent outside. Outside the air was cool and the sky was cloudy. A very pretty day. I hate being inside. I'd much rather be outside. I have a good view of the outside from my window. I'm on the seventh floor so it's pretty cool. I think I'm doing this wrong. I'm still not sure why. I think my time is coming running out. Yup, I'm done.
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Well I'm sitting here wondering why I have to do this assignment. Should I type correctly, capitalizing words. I don't normally when I chat on I'M or email someone. I really wonder if I'm ever going to get that song I'm practicing on the guitar. It's so hard to hear the parts because there are so many other instruments, namely the piano which is really getting in the way. Maybe I should try something simpler. but I get so bored with the simple stuff. I wonder if I can eventually get a Jason Mraz song or get to the point where I can just play something cool and everyone recognizes it. Will I ever lead worship at a church? Who knows. I don't really think that's my thing. there are so many cool people that do that already. In fact, I loved Friday night worship at the Sanchez Building. I really want to go back. I don't know if Hope in the City is the church that the Lord wants me at, but I really like it. I love how everyone is so friendly and genuine -- the worship is passionate, and I love that. I walk in and go, this is how Christians SHOULD be. " not like the majority of churches you walk into and see all the little cliques of friends, most of which are too comfortable and exclusive to open up to a new type of person or just a person in general. however, I know that there are some really cool places in Austin that I want to try: The Austin Stone, Hyde Park Baptist. who knows. Oh, EV Free. Oh, I saw court rode today. Man I love that girl. I hate that it's sometimes a struggle to talk to her though. It's cool if we talk about the general stuff, but not normal enough to just say whatever or something stupid because we haven't spent much time together. I mean, she is really cool, but she is a senior and has her own stuff, and I doubt that she would ever just want to hang out with me. However, I should give myself some credit -- I mean, she has called me and invited me to places (church, a cook-out. ), so maybe she is interested in introducing me to some cool people. Cool people -- I'm finding some but still missing Steph and Allison back home. Man I love them, too. They're great. I miss being so comfortable with someone that you can just do or say whatever's on your mind. or if nothing, you don't have to say anything, and it's totally fine. I wonder how they're doing. I wonder how Allison is doing in the dorm, meeting new people, finding new good friends, like Amanda. I'm really excited that Allison is branching out and exploring A&M, but I'm not ready for loss of contact completely, and I don't think she is either. I think she wants to (as do I and as does Stephanie) "make new friends but keep the old; one is silver and the other gold. " I can deal with being silver, or bronze even, but I would like to keep a place in her life. And man, I really want Stephanie and I to stay the good friends that we've become this summer. after Leslie's death. I love how she always understood and felt the same way I felt. We agreed that we never knew what Al was thinking but that we wanted to. Leslie -- man I miss her so much. Silver Taps at A&M is tonight, and I really want to drive back. I know I would miss Spanish in the morning, but I just want to see my friends and talk about her and remember her. I feel like things would be so different if she were still here: Stephanie and I would never have become as good of friends as we have because they would still be hanging out all the time. They would still support and love me completely, of course, but I think I would be more like Allison -- really branching out and finding new people. Plus, Stephanie would have someone to chill with in College Station. Sarah is cool and all, but she has her own issues, and I really would like someone there to keep Stephanie accountable, to pay her the attention that she needs. because we all do! I would really like to find someone like me, but not too much, and without a boyfriend (because the only cool girls I've found so far have boys. long-term boys, I think). I really want someone (a girl) that I can just play around with -- be stupid and say stupid things, but also have fun and be silly. I want to be able to plop down on her bed and either cry or laugh incredibly loud. Amazing, I actually already have that. Do I need/want new friends other than camp friends like Megan and Meredith. They love me so much and support me like crazy. They like it when I'm around and like to spend time with me and hear about things with me. especially Meredith. Megan has got lots of other stuff that's she is doing -- which is cool -- but she just doesn't really have all the time for me. which I guess sounds kinda selfish now that I've typed it out. But Meredith -- truly loving and sincere and like a big sister. Just seeing her around campus encourages me and makes me feel at ease. Not that I'm so uncomfortable here. I am SO GLAD that I left College Station and A&M to come to Austin and UT. What a blessing! this place is amazing and fun and new and exciting but also is quickly becoming a home. I find myself either almost getting lost or just finding new places or directions or whatever to go around town, and I love it. I love being able to know what street takes me somewhere else, or where my friends' houses are or where to go shop or. whatever else. Friends' houses. the boys -- haven't talked to them, want to see them. The girls -- looooved going over to their house the other night. I got to chill with Meg and tell her about school and life and etc while she shared the same. Liz and I also got to talk about Spirits and applications and all that jazz. Oh and I made it to the second round of the Texas Spirits app! Exciting. I can't decide what I think about it though. I know who I am, and I just want to be myself, but from what I hear and have seen, it might be like a sorority. Blah. I just don't want to conform -- I want to be a part of something cool and unique but without being stereotyped as something. I don't know. cookie-cutter, I guess. I hate that. I want people to like me for who I am. stupid and crazy and silly and fun and smart and perfectionist that likes crazy things and crazy music. crazy music -- ACL! And Russ is coming into town, and I just don't know what I think about that. Do I like him? Does he like me? I have no idea. I don't think I'd ever date him. he is younger and in Colle Sta and whatnot. But he is pretty great. I just have no idea. Ok well honestly I can't stop looking at the timer and how I have thirty seconds left. So I hope that I wasn't graded on capitalization or anything because I'm sure that I messed up all over, but hey it's all good -- all we had to do was write this thing. I'm confident. I'm happy. Class is cool. Don't want to take the tests
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First of all I really need to use the restroom but I also need to finish this. I've actually been thinking about this-whoa look at that timer- this experiment I don't really agree with because I am an awful typist and a perfectionist which makes this sort of painful. I am going to use this time as uh um um time to meditate. I needed to do this monday- that psy webpage- oh I listening to everything its amazing -I keep on hearing my roommate peck at her computer-my sense are keen at this time because I just am hearing everything- this experiment is scary. I don't think I would feel comfortable if thoughts of sex or murder came into my head. I have trouble being blunt with God, how could I tell you. Who is you? That sounds like some black talk with makes me think of linguistics I love linguistic- Kyle in my office was the first I think I should change his name- Peter in my office was the first to mention the stream of consciousness I was at a black poetry I got really mad because no one got there on time African American History. the light on my charger is red no, it green this experiment is longing my thoughts while I think so I have in essence to streams of consciousness- no I'm probably wrong. I felt like am in a mirror and another one is behind me and what you see- Is another ending process- my mind is so physical not in the sense of I like to look at hot boys but it just - am getting tired of-there is goes again that stupid delete- I was scratching my head now my neck itches. I guess this experiment is not so weird after all it is kind of like me. I never feel like I am living my like I think its because I am so analytical. that period and I an that an word I spelled wrong-I am getting on my own nerves can I please just spell. I am taking a breath when I'm not perfect I cause myself stress. I got sad last year when I finally found out that I was not perfect. I am looking into the computer as if I will remember that moment I sound like I am in a movie, so poetic, I am scrounding up my nose. I have a snob nose some people think it is cute. the question of beauty since I am doing this exercise for a minute I'm not going to care if I type right because I have to work On being perfect knoe one can be pertaect that is only a bplare for Goreds hs is the perfect one I feel soreey Okay the message just came back up I don't have to type so bad now. My physically feels heavy why does feel and physically sound alike? My my teeth taste salty I ate some how do you spell pretzels I think the imprint of the desk is in my arms. I just scratched my head I wonder what kind of people go after the 30 minutes, nerds sick demented people I no that can't be the case then I would fall into that category and I can't have that even though I feel like a nerd. People tell me I am pretty, but down inside I feel Like a nerd. This reminds me of that Movie will anybody every read this e-mail does it really even matter. I want to go back to my movie but I am being pulled lead in another direction. Hopefully it is God. I need God the time is 2:26 pero mi clock is fast a couple of minutes. I quit in essence monday. I wouldn't just walk away I gave my boss notice that the weight of school and job are too much. I really want to focus I my life with God Life with God what does that mean. I am ready to know God. I am happy for the things He gives me pero I desire him more than the things I think that is maturity when children start to think what they can so for their parents instead of vice versus I this experiment has revealed in me my fear I leaving this world without an impact. I not trying to confess fear. Just want to know I guess my life meant something. I hope this class will bring my closer to God. I just got to belief that what I feel is just more than chemicals in my brain. I am ending it here though I am tempted to write a song. though I have never written a some I have put down- Emily Dickerson- I have to read her poems she seems like a shady character. what can I say of her character I didn't or don't even know her. Ok Ok goodbye
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Ready, set, go. Wow, my grammar has gotten pretty bad. I wonder if this thing has, I hate these stupid pop ups, spell check. I just woke up, feel pretty worthless. Saw Pink Floyd played to the Wizard of Oz last night pretty cool probably cooler if I was stoned. Only been stoned once before, didn't like it, no desire to do it again. I'm a beer girl. Need to work out, clothes don't fit as well as they use to. Josh won't like that. I'm glad Laura is coming this weekend I hope she has fun. I really miss my family, I hope my sister can can, Fuck these pop ups, come up next weekend for Austin City Limits. I don't know where anyone went, they're probably eating lunch. Damn, 11 more minutes, I don't really know what else to write about, maybe or is maybe if I turn on some music. This is one of my favorite songs, I like it better than the original, I think it was remade for Good Will Hunting, it makes me feel so. I don't know, introspective. Bad word, but can't think of anything else. I love words, probably the only reason I did well on the SAT. Damn I'm still so tired, don't know why, must have slept for at least twelve hours. I think I might be getting sick. Spring break best vacation of my whole life, some of my favorite memories. Memories are an odd thing. I wonder why you remember the things you do. Walked into the GEO building the other day and the smell of it-deja vu-it was such an odd feeling, and I can't quite pin point what it reminded me of. I wish I knew. Deja vu is such a weird thing I knew more about it- what triggers it and everything, maybe some day.
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OK, I have writer's block. I guess I'll think of this assignment as a diary. Today was a pretty interesting day. I met a lot of people who spoke Spanish, so that made me feel more at home. This stupid bracelet is bothering me. I miss Isaac, my ex-boyfriend. I wonder if anyone's going to read this nonsense, and who ever is reading this, I feel sorry for them. I'm not that cool in my head. My room mate is gone. She is bowling. I wonder what she is doing. Maybe sitting there bored. She is always bored everywhere we go she has this face, that makes me bored. I miss my family, even though when I'm there I don't really talk to them. I guess I'm just used to them being around. I wonder if I'm prone to meningitis? Should I get the shot? Knowing my luck, if I don't get, I'll be well, to dead in 24 hours. I'm scared of needles. Damn, I'm scared of everything! Oh, crap almost erased everything I had written. Computers are not for me. What is for me? I like Psychology. The lectures are super interesting. Do I have any better word? Nah, interesting is an OK word. I feel so non-intellectual. See, that just shows my inability to express myself in words. Physically I'm very expressive. But I that's what I think. My ex probably doesn't think so. No, he does. I miss reading in U. I. L. I just realized that being in college makes you miss a lot of things. I wonder if I'm going to make it out of here? Sometimes I meet people just like me and tell myself, don't worry you're not alone, but other times people are so articulate in class it intimidates me. I set a goal for myself when I first got here and I can't do it. I'm suppose to ask at least one question per class per week. But I just can't with all those people staring at me. Once I open my mouth, they're going to realize what an idiot I am. This sounds so cliché. Other people probably wrote all these philosophical questions on their stream of consciousness, like Why are we here? Did Aristotle believe that as humans. Well, I don't write like that. I'm just a bundle of unanswered questions. Ahhh, my back's starting to hurt. I like that guy who walked me to my room. Is that all were suppose to write. OK never mind. That girl from Columbia is really nice. She reminds me of a friend from Del Rio. I hope I meet more people like her. It'll help me sleep better. I've had really bad insomnia. I could be depressed or just a freshman in UT. Maybe both. I don't get what happened to my first letter in every sentence. It disappeared into the left side. What did I push? OK 40 seconds left. I'm so glad I'm almost done with my first assignment. Is this what he wanted? I hope I did this right. Bye.
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This is harder than I thought! Imagine trying to write down what ever comes to your head. most of the time there are so many thoughts coming to my head I don't know which ones to notice and write or whether they are appropriate to write in the first place. hmmm. ok . psychology. I'm glad I took psychology, never down it before it is actually interesting, getting graded for thinking for horrible that lamp which I am looking at right now is- insane! Why did I buy it? Oh this is a great song!. UT-Austin?. amazing place. I can't believe I didn't like in the first week. It is so full life. I actually enjoy . classes! Commitment has taken a permanent vacation, procrastination has settled in big time. I HAVE to make an effort to get everything done on time and not leave it to the last minute. Am I the only one like this? I hope not!. I glad I finally went for a workout yesterday thought. I felt good. arundathi u moron why did u eat so much ice cream- that is another half an hour on the treadmill serves, you right! Another great song. ! My day is already working out pretty good- hope it stays this way. Water. where is the bloody water when u need it. I should start swimming again. I should call home this weekend. it is ok to miss you dog more than your parents?. I can't believe I have come so far away from home. Ok I am here- now no regrets!. Its going pretty great though so. I wish I could change the attitude of some people here though about international students!. I mean what do they mean by do I know english?. jeezz I think ignorance is biggest fall back of most people. where did u become so philosophical. you are just as ignorant as the rest of them on certain issues arundathi. Phone call!. god this is an irritating ring tone. ok I'm back. what am I thinking now?. hmmm. should I go for that concert tomorrow. go go. you might enjoy it. but u better STUDY! ok I'm feeling hungry. I think ill go eat. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Dr. Pennebaker, This is one of the most interesting exercises I have ever done. I never realized there are so many voices in my head till I actually paid attention to them. Thank you! My subconscious ness mind is telling me in hungry! I think I will go with Mr. Freud and listen to my subconscious mind - ' free association'! Thank you once again, Regards, Arundathi
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I am downloading stuff on kazaa. I've saved so much money this way. I need to make sure my grammar, punctuation, and spelling are correct. I have a basketball (plush) on my table, although I never play with it. Yeah, my web cam sucks. It's old. But free. My roommate is cool. He is sitting there doing the survey. I had a good day today. I want to go to the church next to Dobie. Probably this sunday. Yeah. Sunday sounds good. 1608 is my room number. I have a song stuck in my head right now. I can't remember the name of it. actually, I didn't know the name to begin with. Its a rap song. I need to charge my Palm m505. And take a shower. That would feel good. My mouth is dry. I need something to drink. Now I need to piss. It's really dark in here. This apple juice is not good for my teeth. I think there's sugar in it. Not good. Wow, it's only been 5 minutes and 20 seconds. That sucks. I'm getting bored. I want to play some computer games. Too bad I'm stuck with this assignment. Oh, now I have a different rap song stuck in my head. I think I'm obsessed with them. I remember listening to this song a few hours ago before dinner. I was at my friends house if I can remember correctly. Humans are funny. I need to spend my taco bell coupon. Coupon or Coupon? I've heard it pronounced both ways. I wonder when my parents are going to call? Probably soon after 9? Or maybe 9:30? Haha, I just remembered something from dinner. My friend was taking pictures of girls with his phone camera. The asterisk looks like a snowflake. I noticed that I like to stand my chair up on it's front two legs. Well, that is if it had legs. It's more like a bar on both sides and connected in the middle. At least its comfortable, unlike the ones in San Jacinto. Yeah. San Jacinto. I went on a field trip there. No, wait. It was Washington on the Brazos. Maybe that is close. I don't know. I like the way you do it right thar. A line from the song I have stuck in my head. Geez, its been 9:50 only. Like I said earlier, this sucks. Damn, I'm typing too fast and my grammar is messing up. My speaker system and subwoofer rock. My hands hurt from typing so much. I should study more. I haven't even opened any of my books yet. Oh well, the weekend is coming up. I can do most of my stuff then. I hope I'm not going to be like this later on in the year. It's a bad sign. I hope I don't get lost in my homework assignments. I can't seem to find the Philosophy 301 website. Not good. Yeah. I got a nice view from here. I need to email my parents and send them more pictures. Awww, how sweet of me. I never realized how long 13 minutes can be. Wow. It's like. long. Yeah, anyways, I feel kind of weird talking to myself. Weird? Or is it spelled wIErd? I will have to look that up later. I'm sore from sitting like this. Well, I only have 3 more items on my download list in Kazaa Lite K++. If you read this, get the K++ edition, not Kazaa, not Diet Kazaa, and not Kazaa Lite. K++ > *. Yuuuhhhhhhhhh. I'm bored. I need to shower. I already mentioned that didn't I? Awesome, only 4 1/2 minutes to go. This sucks. It's boring. I'm not thinking of anything. My neck hurts. I don't smell anything out of the ordinary. I guess I got used to the smell of my room. 3 more minutes! I don't think I can last that long. I don't want to go to prison. Heh, it's not a confession or hinting at anything I've ever done. I'm a good guy. Yeah. Good. Maybe too good. Nah. 1 1/2 minutes to go. Wow, I'm really slowing down. This would probably take up 1 to 2 pages in Microsoft Word, 12 point font, Times New Roman. It's kind of sad how I can know this. I will test it out whenever I finish the 20 minutes. I also need to test out w(ei/ie)rd. SAT format baby. Yeahhhhh! 15 seconds! I think I will just wait it out. I'm so happy now. YAY!
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I don't understand how it is I'm supposed to write this thing when I can't even type as fast as I can think. it's crazy because right now at this moment I am under pressure to think. at the same time I am trying to spell every thing correctly because I am a horrible speller. I have trouble with double letters in words. for instance tomorrow. is that right? it's funny that someone who is supposed to be smart. I hate when people call me smart because I don't feel it. it's even wrong to say that I just work hard because I really don't. I was one of those loser high school kids that never studied and was only interested in class if there was some hard core discussion happening. my teachers never knew and neither did my parents because they always assumed I was studying hard. well they piss me off because they or rather my dad kicked me out because of stupid crap. I think it was because I never talked to them I hated talking to them. they were so bluh. I mean I talked about sports and politics and crap with my dad. but never anything serious that involved me. and my step mom lied to me about most of her life. telling me that she was so sweet and innocent as a young person but she actually had like 3 abortions and now she can't have kids. then when I got kicked out she tried to be all nice and stuff to me. people never I'M me and now that I am trying to write this thing everyone wants to talk to me. that's like when you are on the phone talking to someone you haven't talked to in a while all your friends start to call you or when you run out of minutes. I think it's a rip off to society how these stupid phone companies and internet providers make us pay. last month I had to pay $117 on that stupid cell phone. I didn't even realize I had talked that much on the thing. now I have lost my train of thought and have no idea what to write. can I cuss on this thing. I don't want to sound dumb or uneducated (which actually to some degree I'm not and early I did say I wasn't smart) does that make me crazy. I wonder if I can type stuff in another language. say for instance people who's first language isn't english like my boyfriend. I think he thinks in portuguese and then translates everything to english or maybe not I do that for spanish when I am trying to understand people but I can't speak it for the life of me but I can somewhat write it. and I normally understand it too. but I really want to learn it big time for when I become a doctor. I want to be a teacher too but I'm afraid because I'm like super mean and right now my hands are tired from writing and I really hate the fact that I keep up with my chemistry and this homework, but my pre-cal I dread. maybe because that loser assigned 80 discouraging problems. they are supposed to be really easy but the way he teaches confuses me and it really ticks me off. I think I'm just not going to go to class and just do the work on my own and ask my really smart friends who are in calculus right now if I run into a problem. but how hard can it be I took that crap in high school but I forgot it all because I never went for understanding just for the right answer. I am developing absolutely horrid study, sleeping, and everything else habits here. I don't even clean as often as I used to. I just want to be lazy and go out. I mean I never got to do that stuff when I was home because I dad was super strict. I never even got in trouble at school. not that that is to be rewarded because you're supposed to behave in school and make good grades. which I did. but I had a job and participated in sports and did well in them too. but my dad wanted too much he wanted me to be perfect and to not make mistakes. I'm not just exaggerating either. my grandparents not even his own mother understand why he did what he did. and he has explained why he kicked me out. it sucks because I have to pay for everything when I thought I had everything. sometimes life sucks big time but I'm not about to complain anymore because I'm still here and my grandparents are helping me and I am trying to help myself but I just get so tired sometimes. I want to keep writing but I'm supposed to do my pre-cal so I can go to target with heather at like five to spend money I don't have.
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I am beginning to write this assignment and I'm thinking that is a pretty big waste of time. I'm already bored and I don't like it. I can smell the bread I got at la madelines and it smells pretty good. I don't normally eat there so it was a treat and I was there with a good friend so it was pretty fun. my friend/roommate just flushed the toilet and I think it sucks down pretty hard. alright only eighteen minutes to go. the more I smell the bread the more I want to eat it. it smells really good. the tv is on right now and it is on mtv, the voice of our generation. I was watching a show on christina aguilara and realized how gorgeous she really was when she dresses normally. man I'm hungry! I got to say I want to pierce my lip. the more I think about it the more I want to do it. I think it would so cool. and I want a tattoo. too bad my dad is anal about stuff like that. oh well, one of these days. we better beat the hell out of arkansas next saturday or I'll be pissed. my friend made me laugh because he heard this commercial for the dumbest movie ever, malibu's most wanted. I could go for some cereal. my mom's in europe on a cruise right now. queer eye for the straight guy is the dumbest excuse for television ever. what a waste of time that was. they don't even dress like straight guys. they are really gay and there style sucks. jimmy fallon is a funny guy I met him in new york. it is weird how peoples minds drift. I wish I could be a professional assassin. not even a ninja assassin, just one with a cool silenced gun. I don't know why. it just seems cool. to take care" of evil men. like in the boondock saints, the greatest movie ever. I hope I get to run track in the spring and I make the team. that would be like a dream come true. I would be a college athlete. that would be neat. and all the ladies love that. I think music is a great thing. I hope I find a bassist for my man while I'm here and we can play a show here at emo's. this is taking a lot longer than I thought it would. beyonce knowles is a good looking' woman. I don't know why she likes jay-z. to be famous would be nice, but to be a doctor would be nicer because I earned that. good charlotte sucks. they are terrible live and I don't get why people like them. the guitarist isn't even good. I'm half way done. that is nice to know. my mind is being strained. the texans one today and they beat the dolphins. that is awesome because some thought the dolphins would win the super bowl. we'll see about that. texas football rules. my old high school one its first game of the season yesterday and they did well. my little brother one his first high school of his career and he was pretty proud. He is on the a team and that is a big deal. blah blah, that is what my mind thinks. its neat to see what people can think of. I need to buy some milk for my room. I could go fro some cocoa-cocoa dyno bytes. they are so good, and chocolaty. mmmmmm. delicious. instant messaging is an interesting concept in these connected times of ours. that would suck to be a worm. have no legs and what not, I need to get xp for my computer so I have word, excell and power point. that would be nice. only six minutes to go. I don't know why people love asses so much. its kinda gross when people think about what they really are. chris rock is pretty find. he just has a really big mouth and I'm surprised he hasn't gotten beaten up. it was jack black's birthday not too long ago and he is really funny. I just started showing my friend how to play the guitar and she is doing pretty well. probably because she knows how to play the violin. david blaine is the most amazing street magician ever. the olsen twins are worth over a billion dollars. rock music is the best sort of music because I can get into it more I think. rap isn't real music. just like good charlotte. I like evanescence because that girl is hot and linkin park is good because they are different. the white stripes suck however because that girl can't drum to save her life. it is interesting to see how people interact. I don't know why. maybe that is why I want to be a psychiatrist. I'm trying to spell correctly on this and I don't know why. maybe so you can understand what is being typed on this crazy assignment. linkin park won the best rock video award. it was interesting. I don't know why. that band has a lot of asians in it. metallica is a well received band because they are good. I could never be a typical rock star because I can't think I could be that mean to people.
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I just got out of psychology class like an hour ago so I thought I would do this paper while I am still in the thinking mode. I thought what pennebaker said about how students new to the college experience, like myself are under lots of stress. that is true. and how they are more prone to get sick when they go home because their stress is relieved. but I think I am sick right now because I've been coughing a lot and my nose is all clogged up. I think it's from the air conditioning in my dorm. but I'm not supposed to be sick now, right? anyways I've been here in austin for almost three weeks now and I have had lots of new experiences but I am beginning to get homesick. I miss my mom, dad, and sisters, and the city of houston. I am glad that I have friends from high school here that I can lean on. just ate dinner. it was really good and now I'm really full. my dance class starts tomorrow, can't wait for that. I don't like sleeping on the top bunk, don't sleep very well, been taking lots of naps. probably cause I stay up too late and have to get up early. lots of traffic noises outside. can hear buses. reminds me of when I got on the completely wrong bus the first week of school. I met a guy and have been hanging out with him. he seems really cool. I want to us to be friends but scared he might want to be more than friends. just adds to all the stress. I really need to be at the library studying right now. I think I will go when I finish this. just learned how to play racquet ball the other day. it's really fun, but very exhausting. I am so sore. also my legs hurt from walking around campus so much. I am really out of shape. everybody is concerned about the freshman fifteen but I really don't care if I gain fifteen pounds. it is highly unlikely since I eat like a bird, but I would be okay with the extra weight. I'm not going home until the end of september which means I will be going five weeks without seeing my family. I've never gone for more than a week without seeing them. can't wait to go home and see them and go to a pat green concert in houston. seems like not many people here listen to country music which is mostly what I listen to, although I do like other kinds of music. my twenty minutes is up. got to go!
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wow I didn't know it was going to time it for me that is awesome. I'm just kind of tapping they keys waiting for something to enter my head for me to write down. I'm really getting tired of hitting the backspace key because I keep typing the wrong letters. I wonder if I will get anymore mail, hopefully. Its kind of fun opening the mail box and actually having stuff in it. I didn't know where the laundry was until last night. It sucks there is nothing cool in the north tower everything is in the south tower and that is too far for me to want to walk. The light in my room is really big and the papers on my bulletin board are waving around from my air-conditioning. Its hella hot outside, I can't wait till october or november when it will cool down. The animation on my beer poster sure is shitty, I definitely got to cover it up with other pictures, I suck at spelling, its only been 6 minutes this really does feel like forever, I really just don't have a lot to say. HA the radio just said hello to me its so polite, I'm trying to decide whether or not to turn it on. For some weird reason my roommate but an empty water bottle inside a drink cup, it kind of reminds me of abstract art, like when homer tried to build a barbeque and ended up with a big pile of bricks with an umbrella sticking out. I wonder if the McLaren really is the fastest road car in the world. I'm pretty fast I think I could beat it. Al pacino looks a little up set its ok though he is about to snort a whole big pile of cocaine, what a crazy guy, all this typing is making me thirsty again. Bottled water is so stupid. Why would u pay for water that somebody else just filled up out of a tap in the backroom when u can get a cup for free. some people are just idiots. People really do look funny when they cross the finish line in races. It really is a lot harder then it seems to put the top on a bottle. I wonder if I will ever use this stapler that I brought. It does make my desk look very professional though. I ate way too much pizza, rolls, fettuccine alfredo and chicken, they all really don't mix. A blue viper is cool. My hair is getting long again if my dad sees me he will be like so son when do u want me to set up an appointment for you to get your hair cut. just because his dad was a barber doesn't mean that he knows when other people need hair cuts. But my grandad did have one of those cool barber poles and my grandma always tells me what each color stands for and says one day when I'm on a tv game show they will ask me that question and I will win lots of money I think the white is for the skin, red for the blood and blue for the veins. I think. I just spilled water all over my shirt I need to work on my mouth hand coordination. but I suppose water is better then throw up. Stupid reed throwing up on my only UT shirt down in cancun. my roommate sure has some girly colored push pins they are all pastel colors. the freeway is pretty busy right now, I wonder where everyone is going. I really did eat to much, just sitting here typing is making my stomach hurt. I need some tums. They taste like chalk though, yuck even though I have never eaten chalk before I still know what I would taste like, All dry and chalky. it really would be funny if david still went by texas time instead of Maryland time.
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I REALLY DON'T KNOW OR THINK THAT I HAVE HAVE ANY CHANCE OF FINISHING COLLEGE. I FEEL SOMETIME THAT THE ONLY REASON I AM HERE IS FOR MY PARENTS AND FAMILY AND THE SATISFACTION THAT I WILL FEEL WHEN THEY ARE ALL TOGETHER AT MY HOUSE FOR MY GRADUATION PARTY. I PERSONALLY FEEL THAT COLLEGE IS A OLD WAY OF THINKING. I FEEL THAT ONE IS BROUGHT UP TO BELIEVE THAT THEY HAVE TO FOLLOW A CERTAIN TRACK IN LIFE ALL TO OFTEN. WITH THE WAY THAT THE ECONOMY IS NOW AND THE WAY THAT JOB SECURITY IS, I FOUND IT HARD TO BELIEVE IN THE BELIEF THAT ONE SHOULD GO TO COLLEGE GET AN EDUCATION AND GO OFF INTO TO WORK FORBE AND WORK THERE WAY UP THE COPORATE LADDER. A LADDER THAT HAS BEEN LAID OUT BY PEOPLE WHO HAD THE KNOWLEDGE TO KNOW THAT IN MOST CASES COLLEGE AND THE EDUACTIONAL SYSTEM IS DESIGNED TO TRAIN OTHERS TO BECOME PRODUCTIVE WORKERS FOR OTHERS. I FEEL THAT THE SMALL AMOUNT OF PEOPLE WHO DO BECOME FINACIALLY SECURE AT THE LEVEL I SOMEDAY WISH TO BE UNDERSTAND THAT IF YOU WANT TO MAKE MORE MONEY THEN OTHERS YOU HAVE TO DO THINGS THAT ARE OUTSIDE OF THE NORM. THE REASON EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK YOU DON'T SEE TONS MILLIONAIRES IS BECAUSE ONLY A HANDFULL OF PEOPLE HAVE THE COURAGE TO STEP OUTSIDE OF THE NORM OF SOCIETY AND DO THINGS THIER OWN WAY. THIS IS THE PROBLEM THAT BRINGS ME THE MOST STRESS RIGHT NOW IN MY LIFE. I CAN'T HELP BUT TO THINK THAT MAYBE ME THINKNING THIS IS A SIGN THAT I AM MEANT TO FOLLOW THIS PATH OF BREAKING OUT OF THE NORM. BUT AGAIN I LOOK INSIDE OF MYSELF AND WONDER IF I HAVE THE COURAGE MYSELF TO DO IT. I HAVE TRIED NUMEROUS TIMES TO STEP OUT OF THIS NORM BUT FIND MYSELF RUNNING BACK TO THE NORM FOR SECURITY. I WONDER SOMETIMES IF THIS SHOULD THIS EVEN BE A FACTOR IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW ONLY BEING 21. BUT THEN I SEE PEOPLE WHO I WOULD LIKE TO BE LIKE AND THIER LIFESTYLES AND SEE THAT THEY HAVE THE THINGS I WANT AT MY AGE AND SOME CASES EVEN YOUNGER. AM I IN FACT WASTING MY LIFE AWAY SITTING IN A CLASS ROOM FILLED OF 500 PEOPLE WHOS AMBITIONS IN LIFE MIGHT BE TO BE NOTHING MORE THEN NORMAL. I MYSELF CAN'T STAND TO BE IN THE NORM. I WANT TO GO MY OWN WAY AND DO THINGS THAT MAY BE A LITTLE CRAZY OR RISKY, BUT THEN AGAIN I GUESS THAT IS WHY I'M WRITING THIS NOW. A SAD ATTEMPT TO FILL TIME UNTIL I HAVE TO COURAGE TO DO MY OWN THING. MAN WRITING FOR THIS LONG HURTS YOUR HANDS . I BET THE BEERS WILL KILL THAT PAIN. WHY DO I DRIN K EVERYDAY. IS IT BECAUSE I FEEL I HAVE BETTER SEX AFTER I HAVE HAD A FEW DRINKS? I KNOW THAT IS WHY. I FIND MYSELF DOING THAT A LOT. WHY ARE WOMEN SUCH A BIG PART OF MY LIFE. IS THAT THE REAL REASON I WANT TO BE RICH AND FAMOUS, SO I CAN GET ANY WOMEN I WANT? WHAT MAKES ME THINK THAT I CAN'T GET THOSE WOMEN KNOW. WHY DO I FEEL ASHAMED WHEN I TALK TO WOMEN NOW ABOUT MY MAJOR AND HOW I REALLY DON'T HAVE A HIGH PAYING MAJOR. I GUESS I COULD SAY I'M WAITING TO BE A SELF MADE MILLIONAIRE BUT HOW MANY PEOPLE SAY THAT. WHAT IS THAT SMELL. DAMN MY ROOMMATE STINKS. WHY IS HE SO SHORT, WHY DOES HE HAVE A SEVERE CASE OF LITTLE MAN SYMDROM. I THINK HIS GIRLFRIEND WANTS ME. DAMN I SOUND LIKE A NIP TUCK SHOW GUY. THAT WOULD BE A COOL JOB. BUT TO MUCH SCHOOL FOR PLASTIC SURGEN. I REALLY NEED TO STOP DIPPING COPENHAGEN. I WONDER IF SOMEONE IS GOING TO READ THIS. IF THEY DO I WONDER WHAT THEY WILL THINK. MY ATTENTION SPAN SUCKS. I KNOW I HAVE ADD BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO TAKE THE TEST, BUT ILL TAKE THE MEDICATION. WHY DID I DO SO MANY DAMN DRUGS IN HIGH SCHOOL. HIGH SCHOOL MAN THAT WAS FUN. DRINKING BEFORE SCHOOL. XTC DURING SCHOOL . MAN WE WERE A CRAZY CREW. I'M HAPPY I STILL TALK TO LIKE 70 PERCENT OF THE OL BOYS AND GIRLS. ITS COOL HAVING GOOD FRIENDS , EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE A FEW. I WONDER IF THEY LOOK UP TO ME FOR BEING ABLE TO DRINK THE MOST. IS THAT WHY I DO? THAKS FOR THE TIME.
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I have no idea what to type. am I supposed be be capitalizing and what not? oh well. hmm its mike's birthday today. he is 22, that must be nice. wow, this is a great song straylight run - the tension and the terror. it's freezing in here. I need to finish reading government and psychology, and hopefully on the road too. it's a lot easier reading that though. yoga's at 8:30. am I supposed to meet melissa there or is she coming back to the room? o well. I miss mikey =( man, as I'm whining as if this is a diary entry. man, I forgot to call alex again. I guess I'll do it later. hmm, I wonder how tough rowing tryouts really are. o well. man, all I'm saying is o well. still not really sure what I'm supposed to be writing. now I'm listening to the juliana theory. good stuff. I'm not all about the class dj's choice of rap stuff. I don't think he is right about it making people more energetic. hearing a song for the millionth time that wasn't good the first time does not exactly put me in a great mood for an hour and a half psych lecture. but I do think I'm going to like the class (as I'm kissing up to the computer). no, its interesting stuff though. hmm, I'm still not sure about how government is going to be. I want to do law, and I think it's really interesting, but there's no way I'll have time for all the reading. and a lot of it is way too boring. hopefully if I take notes in class and what not I'll be ok. I hope calc won't be too hard this semester. a lot of it should still be review from high school, but I bet the end will be new hard stuff. too bad mikes not still around. the engineering majors are too damn smart. am I supposed to censor stream of conscious writing? because I figure that goes against the point, so I shouldn't go back and fix stuff, but this sure as heck isn't formal. o well. of course I am tempted to go back and count how many times I've said o well. ridiculous. hmm, I should really clean this room. but I guess most of the mess on my side is amber's junk. o, I guess no psych tomorrow. more time to nap in the afternoon, which is good because I know I'll be up way too late if I'm going to get close to finishing the reading for government. how late is gregory open? I think 1 but is that every day? I guess megan will know. we can always run outside too. the heat sucks, but I guess we should get used to it if we're going to have to do tryouts in the afternoon. texas is too damn hot. I miss wisconsin. we got to road trip over xmas. I don't know what to tell the parents though. hmm I'll have to plan. that way we can go by michigan like we told mike we would. hmm I miss summer. I know fall won't compare. I'm so sick of stupid frat parties, etc. at least I have awesome roomies. well, looks like times almost up and I've spent 20 minutes whining and doing this assignment completely wrong. once more, oh well.
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I am wondering why I decided to wear this shirt today. no I'm not. I kow why I did. I wanted to look nice. Gosh! Why do people keep sending me messages? I put my away message on. Wow, I can type pretty fast, but I'm getting distracted because I'm wiggling in the chair and my ponytail is tickling the back of my neck. I hear voices outside - what are the girls in my dorm doing? The door just slammed, so I guess they just got home from class. Hope they're not doing anything fun without me. Ouch, my stomach kind of hurts. I guess I'm not under that much stress because (darn, I always mess up because" when I type!) I think I might be getting sick. I really liked that lecture. I learned so much! My neck is kind of tense now, and I hate typing for too long. I type much too fast, or rather I think much too quickly. It's only been 3 minutes. this writing assignment will be a long one, I'm sure. I'm kind of worried about running for RHC vice president. I hate elections, I hate campaigning. Everytime I run for an election, someone always tries to do something really underhanded, like spread rumors or tear down posters or just do something really mean. Gosh, this folder on my desk is really in the way and I think the fan in this room is much too loud. I wish my roommate was her - I'm kind of lonely. I would like to go to dinner, but I think I'll wait until she gets home. But if she is not back soon, I'm going to eat a cookie from the pantry to tide me over. Speaking of tide, laundry accumulates much too quickly in college. I've had to wash a ton of clothes since I've gotten here, and it's way too expensive. Pkus, our washers and dryers don't work right, so I don't think that they're ever really clean. Gosh, I worry too much about my punctuation and grammar. I really doubt whether I sound intelligent in these essays - the structure is not right, the grammar most likely isn't, and the spelling is constantly corrected. There's a blinking light telling me that I have an I'M, but I don't want to answer it. I'm trying to type! Go away! Gosh, there's another message. Leave me alone. NOOOOO!My neck still hurts too. I could really go for a massage. I keep thinking about today's lecture. it really made me feel so much better. I'm so glad Dr. Pennebaker told us that everyone feels kind of stupid and lonely when they first get to college. I know I do. Now the phone's ringing. grrrr. I guess I'm not that lonely after all. I really like the new people that I have met in college and I think that the classes are really interesting, but everyone in my FIG seems to absorb info much faster than I do. I mean, I'm a smart girl, but I have to read and read to understand information. My parents are like that too. They don't understand what they read right off the bat. They have to read it two or three times ot really understand it. I really like having examples or analogies for the stuff I read. It helps to illustrate the point. I don't understand. grrr, the fan is still too loud. just plain definitions. I need more than that. The sun is really bright. I wish my desk didn't face the window. I really wish that we had a better view from the window. All I see when I look outside is a brick wall. C'mon, a brick wall? That's hardly a view. And the girl next door just left to go to the gym or something. She always wears a ton of keys on a lanyard around her neck, so she jingles wherever she goes. Darn! I don't remember the names of the boys I just met outside. They were really nice when my friend introduced me, but they were from Nigeria and had really foreign names. One was like something with an F, I think. And the other. who knows? Yay! My birthday is on Friday. I can't wait to see what surprises are in store for me. I want to go out and have tons of fun with all my new friends, and then I want to go home and see my family. I really miss them. My mom sends me a card like everyday. I can't believe I left my keys in San Antonio the last time I went home. My mom finally sent them to me today in a card, which was a relief. Haha, I sighed just now, which I guess truly illustrates how relieved I was. I really want to get more mail. College students should set up some sort of program, like a buddy thing, where they could get more mail. The mailbox hardly ever has anything in it, but today I got a magazine. Cool. And someone just sent me an I'M, but I don't know who it was. I'm almost done. I can answer them! I think I'll do that right now, and answer the other IMs too. haha I guess people do love me! :) Yay!
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Hey what is up. Just writing my homework. I wanted to get it done before I forgot. I hate when I forget to do homework. Most of it is pretty easy but I just have bad memory sometimes. I write things down now in a little blue spiral that fits in my back pocket. I like to write down things in there that I feel are necessary to remember. Today I watched a movie called The Rules of Attraction ". It was cool. It was meant to be one of those "teen movies" but it told things on a more real basis. Most teen movies end with happy endings and the main characters fall in love. Life is not like that always though. It consisted of a big love triangle that went terribly wrong. I cannot spell very well. I like microsoft Word because it makes those wavy red lines underneath words that I screwed up on. My computer is making a funny noise. My head hurts. I am running out of ideas to write about. 4 minutes 22 seconds. Still a while to go. I get my braces off in 2 days. I cannot wait. If you have never had braces, take it from me, they suck. Imagine not being able to smile for one year. It sucks really bad. I like music. My roommate is playing some music on his computer right now. He was playing a cool song but he turned it off and is playing something crappy. I told him to change it back but he did not. Now he did. Sweet. 6 min 8 seconds. Still a while to go. When I started this I did not know how much I could write in 20 minutes. I can remember assignments in high school that I would write in under 20 minutes. I really had an easy time in high school. It was fun. My school was small nothing like it is here. I lived in Little Elm, Tx, which is in the dallas area. I liked it there but Austin is so much better. I want to go to school here and finish my major (kinesiology) and go to graduate school in California. I really want to check that place out. Most people that go to school here have become Longhorn fans but I have been a fan as long as I can remember. That is cool and all but it just seems like they go to games and like the team just because they are wining. I can remember seasons where the Longhorns would win only 4 games. It sucked but you have to stick with a team. My roommate is asking me how to work the dvd player in the living room. I wonder if the teacher is actually going to read this. That was funny how that kid did not even write anything he just pasted something on the screen. good times. 11 min 20 sec. Today is Wednesday. 9/3/03. September 11 is coming up again. I read on the internet that 9/11 was a drug deal gone bad with George Bush Jr. and Osama Bin Laden. Heroin is a major export out of the middle east. The USA Gov't controls the drug flow weather we like to believe it or not. Heroin was the largest import into the United States in 2001. I bet you did not know that. Something went wrong so terrorist attacked us. I wonder if the truth will ever come out. George is a moron. If I ever saw him I would call him that. I would probably say f-ing moron. I hope he would get mad. I do not like him. I also believe he is a member of illuminati. One the one dollar bill, there is a picture of a triangle with and eye in it. The eye is a symbol that represents the devil's eye. Also in bar codes, there are three lines that represent 666. That kind of shows how evil money is and everything we buy we are supporting the devil. These are just some crazy conspiracy theories I believe. I also believe that we have not been to the moon. Woogie from borrington high. Sorry my roommate is watching Something About Marry and that is a line from it. Have you seen my baseball. 17 min 23 secs. I am getting close. So what up. I rented two movies from blockbuster. I am hungry. after I am done with this I will eat. No eat. eat eat eat. I like to eat. This is getting boring. I am almost done though. It is almost time to go. I got really drunk on Friday night and threw up in front of the building we have this class. I tried to walk home from the fraternity houses. I made it to the stadium and passes out. Eventually my roommate picked me up. It was good times. And I am done
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I didn't know there was a timer on this thing. This is kinda weird typing all my thoughts. My ring is broken. My ice cream is really good. That place down stairs has good ice cream. I'm tired. I need to go look for a new job today. I am going to 3 different Chili's to apply. I like my mousepad. My roommate just came in and it scared me. She just turned on the water. I'm thirsty. This ice cream is making me thirsty. I want to go home today. I miss my friends and family. But I'm not going to go home today. I am going to stay here. 20 minutes of writing your thoughts is a lot of time. which means a lot of thoughts. I have to read like 3 chapters for oceanography because I keep forgetting to read. So now I'm really really behind. I need to catch up so I don't fail. I need to go to the grocery and get some more food and drinks for in here. I'm almost out of Cokes because I go through them so fast. My roommate is talking to me about laundry. I haven't done laundry here yet. I went home last time to do it (to Round Rock). She said the washing machines are really small and the dryers are really big. We just swept in here. It gets dirty pretty fast. And you don't even notice. I want a College of Education t-shirt. I saw one today but it was for the education council. and I don't think I want to join that. I don't like "counseling" haha. But really I don't like speaking in front of people or anything. So I'm sure that would not be fun for me. But-I don't know what I am talking about right now. Klint just came online. Yay. He must have just woken up. It's kinda late. But he wakes up late. That's ok though. I wish I could sleep late. I have classes too early to sleep late. It's kinda weird because I don't like to go to bed early. So it would be really good if I had late classes. Education Council sounds like you just bond with the teachers and stuff. Like student council. So yeah-not for me. I like Klint. I have not seen him in a while. I also have not seen Chris Russell in a while. My phone is ringing. Stop ringing. It's Carl. I have not talked to him in forever. Sara likes her pants. I have some like those. I got them from Target. I want to go shopping. I don't have any money though. I saw Tiffany's sister in class the other day and I didn't know if it was her. So I didn't know whether or not I should say hi. But she had her eyebrow pierced so I didn't say hi. And I told Tiffany that and she said I was lucky that I didn't say hi to her because she would have been really mean to me. That sucks. I don't like mean people. I hate making friends. It's so hard to be able to tell who your real friends are or not. I don't really have any friends here yet. I met one guy. And I have a few other friends who I see off and on. But still. All my friends left. Which is not very cool. I want to burn a CD. I have a whole bunch left. I need to renew my internet service. It doesn't expire til Sept. 23rd though. I need to look for those blue books. My spanish teacher said we need some for monday. And I have some because Jenny gave them to me. The lawns outside must be getting mowed. I hear a lawn mower. Anywho Desiree needs a blue book so I need to find them so I can give her one. So yeah. I like the pictures in my room. They remind me of my friends. I miss them. Jenny is having a lot of fun I think. She has 5 roommates but they all share an entire floor. And there are 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms and a living room and everything. That would be cool. I wish I had money to buy that here. But next year I am getting an apartment with Katie I think. She wants to get fish but I don't like fish. They die too easily. Katie gave me a big Texas poster. She knows that I hate museums and stuff like that and she went to the Bob Bullock museum with her family and got me that poster. To be funny. So now I'm going to put pictures of my friends like riding the horses and stuff. I just realized that my psych class is not 2 hours long. It's only 1 and a half hours. I just thought we got let out early all the time. 20 minutes is a long time. Although it seems a lot shorter when you type everything you're thinking. But that's still a lot of thoughts. I would hate to grade these things. Almost over. Only 20 seconds left. I want more ice cream so hurry up and finish. I need to get a new pencil sharpener.
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Wow, I really don't feel like typing for 20 minutes, especially because I can't type all that well. My foot really itches. It is so hot in here, my roommates keep the air up way to high. My hands are sweating, and it takes a lot fir me to sweat. I feel terrible. I really hope that I'm not getting sick. MY nose really itches. BAD! sniffle. I really miss Thomas. I wish he were here right now. Now my elbow itches. And my nose again. This commercial is so gross. I would run the other direction too. my legs are sweaty too. I wonder if the sweat will mess up my keyboard. I wonder where Ky is. gahh I really hope he doesn't like me. He is cool but I just don't want to go past friendship. My eyebrow itches too. man, stuff really itches when you are paying attention to yourself. My shoulder and nose both do. I have a lot of knots in my shoulders too. Maybe Thomas will I have me a massage when I go home this weekend. That hair is on my nerves. I have so much reading to do, I don't think I will ever get caught up. I am really worried about Kim. I hope she can get everything figured out money wise and also with her math. I don't know what I would do if she weren't here. Man my hands are sweaty, it is so hot in here. I wonder what Thomas is doing. He is having that dumb study group at his house tonight so I probably won't be able to talk to him that much. I love him. I wish he would be able to come here and visit. His parents would never let that happen. He is coming to the Nebraska game so maybe him and his dad can come see my place. My arm itches. Now the other one does, and my shoulder. I have a lot of knots. It felt great for them to be rubbed. My nose itches. I am so stopped up. There comes the air, maybe it will cool off. Kari must keep her air on like 80. I cannot type at all! my legs are stuck to this leather couch. I really need to go to Kim's to use her nair. My foot itches. I really need to go work out. I cannot gain weight this year. I need to shave too. I have so much that I need to do, but there's no way I can do it all. My hands are still sweating, but it feels better now that the air came on. Only 3 more minutes. This sweat better not mess up my computer. There goes Jayme's alarm. My eye itches but I can't scratch it because of my make-up. I have to change the TV. felicity just gets on my nerves. My ear itches. and my thigh. and my other ear. and my eye. wow! oooh Friends is on. but so is Trading Spaces. I love that show. Genevieve really gets on my nerves. Oh this is the kids version ugh I sneezed. I guess I will watch Friends now. Oh my 20 minutes is up! yay I can stop
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Okay so I was thinking about what our dj said in class on the first day that he played some music on the topic that dealt with bot hip-hop mainstream music and trance and how they differed. This was something that I really wanted to see if there was a difference in the way the music makes you feel and I seemed to have noticed a difference. I first tried it out on reading a book. I realized that it was much easier for me to concentrate on what I was reading, as well as, getting more into the book because the trance music makes you think of what you are reading about. When listening to trance music it affects your brain in a way that is very interesting to me and I kinda want to look more into this whole topic of discussion. I am listening to a dj named Paul Oakenfold who is a trance dj, and even as we speak I can feel that beat bouncing all around inside my head causing me to think about what I am writing. Yesterday, last night, actually I was doing some reading and I started to first listen to hip hop and I kept on distracting myself by trying to sing along with all of the different rhymes because I know a lot of them. I ended up spending about 30 minutes and I got through about 12 or 13 pages which is incredibly slow. After that I decide to try out some trance. I actually used to always listen to trance last year when I would read or study because I always helped my expand my mind when I was either designing things, reading, or writing. So when I was reading I noticed that I was much more attentive to what I was doing and got a lot more than 13 pages read in a 30 minute time period. As of right now I am trying out this trance thing again. The funny thing is, is that there is a lot of things going on around me right now. The TV is on, my roommate is sitting next to me on his computer doing his homework, and my girlfriend is on my bed reading her book, and at the same time we are all extremely focused in all of our own independent studies, not even paying attention to the TV but to the work that we need to get done. After thinking about this right now I am at 9 min 30 sec and I have already written a lot. I believe that if I would have not turned on the trance music that it would not have given me a basis to explain my theory on what we were talking about in class. Another thing that kinda triggers my mind now that I am talking about class related things, how does this affect your nerves inside your body and inside your brain? how is your body receiving these messages that make you get like this numbing feeling all over your body if you are just listing to music? I mean does this feeling involve the way the sounds of the music are mixed together? Or is it the repetition of sounds and randomized pitches that might throw off your body's response system that makes you feel all numb inside. Could this be another type of an anesthetic, but instead of a shot, gas, or gel, could it be because of all the sounds and beats like a hearing anesthetic? Who really knows. But anyway that I am sure has been looked at for a long time. I really am interested though in why trance music makes you feel this way because it really does have a positive effect on me. But right now I really don't know what else I wamt to talk about because I am out of time.
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Today is September 11th. I was reading some articles on MSN. com about whether or not we should commemorate this. I had a class at 9:30--I wish I didn't have to wake up for this class. It seems like whenever I have to wake up for a class it drains me of energy. I'm glad that the only other class I have is in the afternoon today. Speaking of which I'm going home for the weekend--that makes me happy because I will get away from everything related to UT Austin. My roommate was in the room, he just left. I am writing on my laptop--it's very hard to use this keyboard. I am tired right now. I don't know what to do. I have calculus homework to do. I feel like it has been looming over my head. I can't wait to go to home. I feel more comfortable here at UT now. I think I'm getting along with everyone. I don't feel stressed out anymore. I feel like there is nothing to be bummed out about. I will find what I like to do here. I might join the badminton club. That sounds like fun because I used to play badminton and now I don't anymore. I don't play it anymore because I don't feel like it. Being at UT is a lot of walking, I'm tired cause of it. I think a lot of my thoughts are being filtered when I'm typing. I am Indian. My parents are from India. They are very nice people and they are at home. Sometimes I feel like they miss me and I miss them. I am going back to see them. I am getting tired of typing on the keyboard. I think I am a smart person. I wonder if other people think I try to act smart. I don't really care if they do. I'm just being myself. I get along with others. I don't think I will be completely satisfied in life thinking I have to be something when I grow up. I should just stay happy as I am right now. I think that would be a good life plan. Just take it easy. That's what I'm doing right now. My computer is a Dell and it's a laptop--with a small keyboard. I got it new. My roommate just came in. He is doing the laundry. I feel like he feels that he has a lot to do. It seems to me he likes to work. I am going to keep my life simple here at college. I won't expect myself to be a superhero. I think waking up for class is good because then the day doesn't go by. In college you have a lot of free-time. I think I spend too much time studying ineffectively. I should set good goals and then spend time making friends. I am very happy right now. I feel kind of just like sitting here and not getting up. I have to get up to get the trash. Whenever I do work, I think of doing it in sequences. Sometimes I act smart. It's okay--I like to make intellectual jokes a lot. My parents used to take the trash from my room when I was young. They did a lot of things for me. Now I have to do a lot of things on my own. That's okay--we're almost out of milk. I'm going to get paper plates and paper cups so I can just throw them away after using it. I'm getting hungry. My roommate is eating Spaghetti from downstairs. That tastes good. Am I being artificial? Am I talking as if I want people to hear what exactly I'm saying. I don't now. bye
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I have been asked to do similar exercises in the past in which I was supposed to just write nonstop and track my thoughts or create a story, a cell phone is going off right now but it is not mine, I just got a brand new phone, it is a really cool camera phone, sometimes I hate having my cell phone because people just won't stop calling me and it gets really irritating, especially if you don't want to speak to the person who keeps calling you. I met this one girl Amy, and she called me so many times but the problem was I was trying to avoid her because I was not' really interested in her. But I didn't want to hurt her feelings because I know there are times when I have felt lonely or hurt myself. Anyways I would rather too many people call me then nobody call me. Last year I didn't have a cell phone and I wasn't really as socially active as much as people expected me to be or as much as my friends were. I really hate the keyboard that I am typing on. I am in the library right now, in the RLM building, I came here to come to a spanish class to see if I could get into a class I wasn't registered for. I promised my mom I would come and check this class out because most of my classes right now are not to difficult and I have a lot of time. Something I am not really used to. Anyways my mom has been bugging me about taking a foreign language for some time now because she desperately wants me to learn something. she owns a translation company and thinks it is vital that I be able to communicate at least in Spanish if I am going to live in texas. I really do agree with her but I don't really want to learn a foreign language. I took french in high school and it was really tough. but maybe that was because I didn't really work hard my first two years of high school and I never really paid attention in class. Maybe I will be better now. Anyways before when I was asked to do similar assignments I never was really able to write anything down. I remember one time I was asked to just write nonstop and then later what ever I wrote about I would use later for the topic of a story. The problem is that I really wasn't able to write anything down at all. Usually when I write something I like to think long and hard about what I am writing about and then phrase whatever I am writing in a very articulate and cleaver way. I am really hungry right now, I never ate breakfast. I usually don't eat breakfast but I usually don't' get up this late on the weekdays. I had a rough night last night. couldn't fall asleep and I didn't wake up till 12:25. I had a class at one otherwise I might have slept later. There are some people passing by me and I keep looking over wishing for some reason that I recognized them or that they went to my high school. my eating pattern since I got to college has taken a weird pattern-back to my no breakfast-I have 14 meal tickets back at the dorm but a lot of times I will only use 5-10 of my meals a week and that is being generous. the first week I had 10 meals left, last week I had 6 or 7 meals left. I am trying to get my brother to come to towers and eat with me, he can use one of my tickets but he won't come because 2 years ago he got kicked out of towers and I guess he is afraid of going back. somebody must have really scared him or something because fear or boundaries are not usually things that get in edward's way. he has no problem breaking rules or trespassing or anything like that if he wants something or wants to have a good time. He is by no means a bad person, he just doesn't like to be told what he can and can't do if he doesn't agree or approve of limitations he also can not work on someone else's time schedule. He use to be different, he use to be such a little goody good, he would follow all the rules and stuff like that he was such a wimp, I use to hate him when we were little and then other times I would love him but mostly I would hate him. Now I think he is one of my best friends-I think that this is because ever since I have been around him in the last year or so he has been really great and accommodating to me, he always makes me feel good and tries to make me feel welcome and special, my parents will say the exact opposite about him, they will say he is selfish and inconsiderate-they fight a lot-and in a lot of ways they are exactly right but in other ways they don't see things that I see. I am really grateful to my brother because in a lot of ways since I have been around him he has somehow taught me how to relax and have a good time. My parents will say that this is his specialty-relaxing and having a good time-they think he is really lazy and can't be bothered to ever move, but actually I have noticed that when edward wants something he will do whatever is necessary to accomplish his task, since I've been in Austin it has been him who has called me several times to play tennis, and he also is surrounded by his friends and by women-this is not by chance. well my 20 minutes already passed
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sick nose running I feel like shit I think being sick makes me look ugly. I hate when I feel ugly especially in psychology class where there are so many beautiful girls they're all so different amazing I have a lot of anger in me sleep deprivation is getting to me gentle breeze made by a rickety fan in my room ac is not working like it should 14 years old I'm thinking what a dance club would be like I want to play guitar when this is over I wonder if playing can compensate for the lack of female companionship. I have tried, it all I think about. blinds dirty lips a little dry eyes burning butt getting tired would it feel that way if you got laid? wonder who came up with that word. fight club I wonder if tupac shakur could have played tyler durden's role, that is if edward norton's character was black. its friday and I don't have many things to do I think of what a date would be like. sometimes I can't believe how hard college dating is I mean is not this time about exploration so why do girls hold back so much. I don't know, it very important to me for some reason I wonder if you look better when you're sick or just like that sickly? this exercise is not free flowing as I thought it would be, I want to type continuously but can't I have to pause and formulate my thoughts into words, sucks I have so many abstract thoughts not thought in words, see I was hoping to excel in this too because psychoanalysis was a career field I was into. being good at this kind of exercise without practice would give me a flash of brilliance I hate looking out the window I feel like an old man depressed about life contemplating I have a strong sexual urge in me right now, I want to make love to a girl not sex I want to pride myself in the fact that I'm a rare college guy who can make love and not just have sex or get laid. I think about when girls smiled at me or were attracted to me, does that necessarily mean there is sexual chemistry. in my thoughts, yes. but real sex is different from thoughts, too many details you forget when you think about it. there are so many girls I want to get with at my 500 person psy class but I still have not and probably won't. I wonder how that affects me, especially on an unconscious level. maybe it translates into a low self opinion because I think that every girl thinks I'm ugly. how do I get over that negativity. is there a way to feel good, even if you don't get girls? can someone that does not have what someone else has, can they be as happy as that person? my sexual thoughts are gone now, I'm still sick, about to sneeze, wow my thoughts are a lot more free flowing now, I have not stopped typing for about 5 minutes. I think I see it now, I'm getting deeper into my unconscious or preconscious maybe I'm thinking of all the girls that walk by. do they know, that if they snap their fingers, they can have any guy they wanted, what power. makes me wonder how I should deal with them. I think it would be very hard to get with them sexually because they all want something very specific. I thought about listening to music while doing this, but for the first 3 minutes I have found that it limits your thoughts to the subject matter and emotion of the song. I would rather get in touch with myself and hopefully have this analyzed and see what it means. next thing I want to do is free word association although not sure what it is. thoughts of mine still not as deep I thought, oh well
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Well here we go. I'm so tired I really don't feel like doing this. But I only have one day left so I guess it'll be good to get it over and done with. I haven't even started reading yet. I really need to start. God I'm hungry. I can't believe all I've eaten today is some bagel bites. I need to go hit up the grocery store tomorrow and stock up on some food. I'm so happy it's Thursday. This week dragged on for so long. It's probably because this was the first week where we had class on Monday. This music that I'm playing in the background is really effecting my stream of consciousness. I think I'll change the song to something more mellow because this song I'm listening to right now sucks. That's better. I wonder what's going on tonight. I think after I'm done typing up this paper I'll call up Farhad (my cousin). Whoa he just I'M'd me. That was weird. I should probably tell him that I'm working on something because I don't think I can do both things at once. I can't wait to go back home and visit. I've been feeling kind of homesick lately. I wonder what all my friends in Dallas are doing right now. Probably nothing. Carrollton is so boring. I kind of need to go to the bathroom. But I have to finish typing this paper. I guess I have to wait. I think I'll go back to Dallas next week and see what's up with everybody. Man, my stomach's starting to feel all queasy. I should go eat something. I can't wait to DJ on that boat in a couple of weeks. I hope I don't get sick before then. Everyone's been getting sick lately. I slept a lot today. I need to go out and do something tonight now that I'm all rested up. There are way too many chairs in this room. Whoa my keyboard is vibrating. That felt weird. I wonder what's making it do that. It must be something outside. This CD I'm playing is so stupid. The song just finished and now I've been hearing crickets chirping in the background of the silent song for like two minutes. Awesome it's over. Man, the whole CD's over. I should put in a new one. I hate working in silence. Or wait a minute; I remember the stream of thought instruction thing saying that one of the things you should describe is what you hear. Right now all I hear is car's driving by from the outside of the balcony. That's pretty boring. I think I'll bump some 2Pac. When I go home for the weekend I need to make sure to stock up on some food. I think I need some soap too. Maybe I should make a list. Sweet, only six more minutes to go. This wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I'm already almost finished. Why are my eyes so red. They've been red for like the past 5 days. I bet it's those stupid contact lenses. They're so crappy. I think I'm just going to have that Lasik eye surgery. I wonder if I spelt that right. I don't think it really matters. My stream of consciousness can't spell all that well. I think after this I'll look up the bus schedule so I won't have to walk half an hour to my class tomorrow. I hate walking that far. And I have flat feet too so all this walking is really starting to suck. I guess it's good for me. Only two minutes to go. Man, I keep on having to think of my stream of consciousness. Maybe that's a bad thing. I have a blank stream of consciousness. That can't be good. I guess it's better than those people who are constantly thinking. I bet I'd be really good at meditating since my mind goes blank so much. I wonder if there's any classes on that. I want to take that Kapawaya class. That'd be cool. I'd learn how to fight and break dance simultaneously. I don't see how they expect to teach you such a complex fighting style in 8 days. That's pretty stupid. I
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my room mate is listening to wierd music again. I have never heard of all these canadian bands. I really want to go to sleep. That would be so great right now. I can't wait to go home soon for the weekend. I would love to see my family soon since they are so fun. I really need a hair cut. I have split ends. There is a girl in our hall learning to play some sort of trumpet. She really sucks and I just wish she would give it up or practice somewhere else. I can't believe I have only been typing for 3 minute! I really want to paint my dorm room. White is such a boring color. My suite mates got a beta fish this weekend. its a really pretty color. Better that the white of our room. I really want to sleep. looking at my bed makes me want to sleep. I can't even keep my eyes open any long. I have the longest, skinniest fingers in the world. I am also really not liking the fact that I have to read some much more in all my classes. I have 2 really cute cats at home. They are so fun to play with and cuddle. I really wish pets were allowed in dorms. I would so bring them up and then everyone in the hall would get to see them. I ran over my phone minutes again this month. I seem to talk on it a lot more that I realize. I am going to get a brain tumor by the age of 30. I really like the fact that I have gotten lots of mail since being here. All my friends have sent me mail. I got some today! Mail is fun. I feel bad though cause all my room mate gets is bank statements. sucks for her. Lots of people I know are in Psychology. They are all going to do this assignment too. I really can't spell well. Sorry if you are reading this. Well I think nothing really sticks to the walls in this dorm. I tried to hang curtains last weekend with this hook that was supposed to stick to anything and hold 20 lbs. But all it did was all and pull off a huge chunk of the wall paint. I can't get my pinata to hang from the ceiling either. I wander if anyone has been able to get stuff to stick? I will have to ask around. I am the world smallest stapler on my desk. It was part of a dorm set I got for graduation. My friend who goes to A&M gave it to me. I wonder what she is doing. I am going to call her when I am done with this. But I am over my minute, that is ok. I think my suite mate is doing the pretesting experiment. She is enjoying it too. I asked. I am going to learn to play tennis. My room mate is done playing her canadian music, but is not from Canada. She is from plano os that is kinda odd. How did she ever hear about this music. I think I will get a beta fish too. They look fun and it would be something different to add to my room. But then I don't really like cleaning stuff so maybe not. I am so tired and my head really hurts. I need so aspirin. I need to exercise too. I ate too much for dinner. I like what I ate though. I got a catered dinner for free. What could be better- a nap. I wonder what my friends are doing. I got really good tickets to the football game- need to thank Steven. Its dark out. That is a huge tree
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Ok so here I am sitting here writing what I am thinking. crap forgot to look at the clock. ook 4:43. kinda took me a while. analog clocks. hey what did the digital clock say to the analog clock? look ma, no hands! yea that is pretty lame but it just popped into my mind. hah I almost wrote pooped into my mind. that would been shitty. does anyone care if I write curse words? because I think in curse words all the time. dammit my eye itches. alrighty that is a little better ok I'm still just writing not really thinking about what I'm writing or at least trying not too because I keep making all kinds of spelling errors. I can type fairly fast but when I do its fairly shitty. I keep making mistakes and having to go back and erase my mistakes so it kinda takes away from my train of thought. or stream of consciousness (sp?) as u call it. I'm not really a psychologist type person. I'm only taking this class because it sounded like the least boring of the 30 or so choices I had. plus I could tell my friends why they are so stupid. or, well, that was my original plan. I don't know now, but it still seems fairly interesting. I'm not trying to kiss ass there like I sometimes do, and am fairly good at by the way, I really think its interesting, for them most part. like the lie detector test. I found out how to beat on of those things. just lie a lot, then tell the truth occasionally and switch it up enough that it confuses the shit outta the machine. and also make sure that the investigator person does not know whether your lying or telling the truth, you know kinda play stupid. lie when you don't need to. tell the truth but make it sound like a lie. convince yourself its a lie even though you know its the truth. heh my foot itches. reminds me of that time in class you were talking about this assignment. whenever you mention this stream of consciousness writing my foot always itches because you had that stupid itch comment. it was not really stupid just annoying and it bugs me and it was annoying. and it still is. hey my typing has gotten somewhat better of the the last few minutes probably because I'm not concentration so much of fixing my mistakes. so you'll just have to live with all my shitty typos so there ha! yoo can't stop me because you just said write what on your mind and what if there are a lot of rtypes in my mind? hihn? huh? what u going to do about that? this charis too low. there we go that is better but now it won't rock. htere fixed that too ok now this is linda wierd because my legds are pusing against the bottom of the desk which sucks because/ I can't lean bakc as much. and my wrists are stargting to get tired because they have nothing to lean on. I have no where for mu wrists theya re ruined! damn my desk for now havign a wrist rest. ok this chari is too high now. and mt arpmits are sweating and I have no idea why. thta happens a lot and I hate it. it makes me look like a nervous fool evcen if I am. ok chair lowered back to where it origicnlly was ok now I'm not even looking at the words I type I'm just staring at my fingers as they type the words and not relallyt thinking about what I'm typeing that sit be interesting to see wat kinda crasyt shit comes of out omy head I know what kind of mistakes I'm makeing but I'm trying tnot tot chrorect thim and now I'm tryinf nor ro ecen hink just let my ifngers flow and let them do the talkjing not me oand now my eytes are closed that is not workingbla bla bla bla bla I'm still writing now how do u like that? ur not even going to read therse are you? I just know it your just doing this for some reason that no one knows yeet but it will be so obvious after u explain it that everyone or at least me will fdeel stupid. u know kinda like that lie detector tesxzt. if u had explained it before then it wouldnt have worked. if I knew how a lie detector test worked then it wouldnt really be that hard to beat. and since u said that they're so accurate, that is making us think that they work all the time so then if we ever get convicted of a crime, or at least on trieal then we'll think that the lie detector works and we won't be able to fool it but then you told ous how it worked and so now we know that is it is not har as accurate as u originally tol us that it would be ok maybe I should just randomyl type letters and see what comes out I'm fsitting here typeing words onto my computer screen and I really doint beel like isttint here typing words I really want to be sleeping of playing counterstaiek or fucking my girldfirend. ytes that last one idont know wny trs last but that sounds really good right now, don't u think. / but you have a wife I'm sure that uve been doing for a long time so it kinda lost its spart me and meagan have been together 2 years and have been fucking for one yea she thot that she would wait till he was married but yea that is just jddidnt turn out and its not like I forced her we just did it one day without really thinking about it and it was good and I'm getting a little hard now just thinking aobut it myabe I shouldnt be tell ing u this shit but hey u asked its ur own fault if u don't like what I'm witing mmm yea that sex sessions sounds really gfood right now I wish she was here. shed kinda bubm tho so she is goin to acc but hopefully she will be smart enough to transger to a good skoo like ut next year and we can get an appartment together and fuck all the fuck we want. that wousld be fun I would like that. come home after a long day of school to come in my woman yea, tat would be nice. are you still following me? hey my roommate just walked in es in his air force unouiform hold on I'm going to explain to him what I'm doing ok no I'm not he didn't ask so he problably does not carel; ill assume he does not care. aww I stopped thinking about meagan and my erection went away now I see what u mean about how himans can just think about a ember of the opposite sex ad get ariysed but then they can be in the same room as them an not be. let me tell u that does not happen that often. the second one that is. us being together and me not wanting to jumop on her. unless we;kre fighting or my friends are around. either of those. ok my roommate is talking on the phone and its kinda distracting me ookk he is done now well I think its beed 20 minutes I just looked at my watch and yteal I think tis 20 minutes, 5:03 ok cya in class oink
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it is cold in my room the room is the freezing rain which chills my typing hands numbly I feel all of this through skin of course the skiing is always on top of the muscles but the muscle are in the yurget zone of the world I know that the skin is there but it must be cold roommate types next to me like a fearlees wombat that he is I must crack him open and fry him up like an egg an egg of a tale of this land which I live in is the way to a free market economy an economy which the uzbeks can have a say in their government because karimov allow them vote in private elected parties in the spindletop texas cynthia harrington went to that and saw the president president george bush sr was there and he was wearing a green rain coat a coat which I saw on the picture which was on their refrigerator door I knew that it was there because I saw it there next to the pills that their daughter constantly took she was addicted and I tried to stop her but she was depressed and I tried but you can't always help others that don't want to be helped especially those of the race of the unwilling the unwilling whose bones shall be used to pave the way to valhalla which is the greater good of the viking society which I will use to fight off the endless hordes in my brain the viking are outnumbering in my spaceship which I use the toothpaste goo food I eat it and shoot out transformer feces into my face of the po po man I will see the super lucky cat on the last date that I went on in beaumont it will be here that I go and see everything that ever was and everything that will ever be because that goes towards the greater good of mankind and I will see the sphinx before the phoenix rises out of the creamed corn of the children man man yogurt blossom in the cafeteria like bomb shells exploding in the darkness of siagon I will see them and laugh like the little devil that I am the yogurt man of my brain laughs with them and he laughs at the absurdity of it all at the absurdity of the Caribbean chick which is in my class but does not see the truth which is me in the flesh and doe not see the truth which is me in the flesh of life I want to know everything I want to see everyone I want to fuck everyone in the world I want to do something that matters but the things that matter don't matter anymore my yogurt blossom repairman I thin k that I like you yogurt blossom time stream of consciousness test we are one in the same you and I watching as other s write time ticking endlessly away and our scroll bars move down ever so slightly and we presses the finish button and everyone goes wow that test really sucked and the professor get all the money and I say to you blessed are the meek they shall inherit the turf of the astrodome where I went when I was twelve to eat a dome dog and watch that team play my dad gave us peanuts to eat and I ate them and then I beat some poor bastard in the head with them and then I laughed because it was very funny and I laughed and it was funny but a whitney brown was not funny instead he was a stupid son of a bitch and not very funny at all except his face and his small groin which was funny funny funny hahahahah this must sound crazy to you I know because like me everything is crazy I am the crazy man bob who howls at midnight and I will always be crazy and good but I am the bob man I am the mystical food poisoning which one gets on prom night and throws up all night long while the lesbian you brought to prom hates your girlfriend and they presume to bight each others heads off all night long because they are the spawn of the devil whose name begins with baieszselbub I am the spawn whose e name is fish egg mc chicken pants and you shall know us by the trail of dead which spits tobacco out of his face and eats the eternity of my growing head and you see that I am the man whose face is in the shape of a marshmallow and the crackers of his should are in the face of them man who is the mouse pad mc cheese and the man who is in t ehldfsdjljdjd the lavalamp in the brain of the man is interestingly enough the same orgasm of a young boyscout whom saves the squirrel for later if you get my drift talk about safe sex it does not get much safer than having sex with a squirrel squirrels are cool dudes but dudes are not cool squirrels and then you can eat them and they taste quite goodly in a stew pot but don't eat the pot because the pot becomes you and the pot is the pot which is not like other pots but a magical pot of endemic portly proportions which name is nut tickling nipples nancy mcgee and you shall know this pot and know it well you should for in it lies your salvation and undoing for you will fear me for I am the scourge of god If you had not sinned he would not have sent me hither to punish you
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words are pouring out like endless rain into a paper cup they (?). but I like to use periods. before, I was tempted to say, last night my ears met their lover. too bad they didn't. haven't? I just wanted to use that nice quote I stole from an editor of epitonic. I have an hour till I have to go to LINK but I really don't know about this whole Christian organization on campus thing I need to find one that fits me! oh thoughts and feelings sometimes I stare out at nothing in particular and it's in those times that I am thinking about absolutely nothing oh I just got a call. but I'm still typing! darn you booksellers call back after nine thirty. I wonder if typos make a difference because I don't like leaving them behind like that, so careless. So, I need to get a haircut. But how do I know which kind? You know, some people just look good no matter what. I think it's a level of achievement that I will never reach. Oh well. What if people were the same inside and outside? Like, for example, if all the pretty people were extremely good souls. Now that'd make things different. I can't really imagine what it'd be like, because I'm so busy thinking about what I should write next. Man, what should I pursue? My stomach is really full. I used to think that if I ever smoked, I could quit anytime, just because it seems so gross. Well I can't even moderate my eating habits. And I bash myself about it, but when hunger calls, I respond. In full! So yeah. Sometimes I fear for my safety when I'm walking around at night. Nothing ever bad has ever happened but I think I should still be careful. But I don't think so enough since I'm going to do it tonight anyway. I'm going to watch the Goonies at the Texas Union Theater. Theatre. Yeah. Hey. I wonder if I'm going to make any good friends here at college. It's bad hanging out with old ones all the time, and believe me, sometimes I just don't want to. Excuse me. I just sneezed. What if I do really think in sentences? I think I have a cold. My nose is rubbed pretty raw (well, not really) from all the tissues. I'm not thinking about anything. Actually, what I would like is to complete everything I need to get done soon. I don't know how possible that might be but then that would leave me time to do leisurely activities, like reading and responding to other people's e-mails. I'm so bad at that. And so I could have time to read the Bible and pray. Ah, I cannot control what I do, or at least I'm not trying hard enough. It seems so easy to be a good Christian when the pastor is talking about it but then laziness gets the best of me. Oh I can wait. You know, I don't want to think I'm invincible. I want to make a difference and experience life fully. The things I am most scared about now: public speaking. I just want to die when all eyes are on me- the bigger the audience, the more humiliating. You know, it's not like I can control how I feel, to an extent at least. I am also afraid of getting into a car accident because my close friends just did and it seems unbearable, the time in the hospital spent recovering. So many tubes. I'd cry out. And I'm afraid of falling off my bike or getting into some other bike related accident. It's not so much the pain that bothers me, but the public scene it would cause. How embarrassing. Oh well. Sometimes I don't care what other people think. Sometimes I wonder what they think of me. When I'm shy, I tend to come across as being mean. I haven't really opened up to anyone before. Why should I if I don't trust them or if I'm not sure that they care about what I feel or think. I think I'm good at observing people in their behaviors. When I'm talking to someone, I can tell if they lose interest in what I'm saying. At that very moment when they look away for a second. I don't feel bad when that happens but it just makes me lower the probability of me finding someone or some people who can connect with me. I know. People need people. And I need a tissue right now. Is this going to be read? If it is, it's okay. I don't know if my thoughts are interesting, but it would be a fun thing to grade. I feel like I'm spending less quality time when I'm reading out of my textbooks. I want to go back, but then I just get this feeling of urgency. Even when I'm surfing the net. Imagine that. What do I have to do anyway? What's the difference between an erection and an ejaculation? I think I might know, but it doesn't matter so much to me. I don't like it how professors can say whatever they want to say, like curse words and sex related and other inappropriate topics. Just because they can talk about it doesn't mean they should. Sheesh. I also don't like how repeated exposure to talk I don't agree with and cuss words will desensitize me to it completely, probably by the end of the semester. Here I am in college and I don't know everyone but a lot of them are making me less pure. I don't think they realize what they're doing to the rest of us. What rest of us, you ask? I guess we are a minority then. I wonder what I'm going to do for the final project in my freshman seminar. Either fencing, a Christian organization on campus, if I ever find a good one! or a concert. Although a concert might be kinda difficult since I'm not going to one until October 7th. Yay for Beulah! I'm so excited. When I go to shows, I feel like I belong. I don't know anyone there, but I like to observe them. Most of them have styles. I wish I had a style. I want to be like them. Or do I? I want to be like me! But, I need to be more like me then. Maybe if I had a lot more money. I do have a lot of money. What does being fashionable feel like? Not as great as I think, of course. It just hurts to see people wearing things out of fashion when they think they are in fashion. We are the elite. At least my mind can distinguish between the two. But only street. What do I make of myself then? It's easy not to care, but it's not so easy to do that completely. Will that make people like me more? Is it easy to avoid everyone and keep to myself? Is that what we were meant to do? The answer is no. What if it's different for me? Everyone dies alone, right Donnie? I think I need clothes to reach the next level. Of making me satisfied. Oh, if I had a different body. No, no. That's alright then. People who know you don't care. It's the people you are trying to impress who care! Hah. I wonder if I ever hurt anyone's eyes. It pains me to think so. Before I left for college, at the goodbye dinner thrown for me by my uncle, the message in my fortune cookie (or rather, one of them) was be yourself and you will always be in fashion. " I suppose that's valid. Ooh I can continue writing. Maybe for a bit longer. I wonder what it would be like to be very fashionable. I mean, come on, I already struggle against feelings of superiority when it comes to music. What good does it do? There are always better, there are always worse. But I won't say any more about that. You know, I can't give all of myself away and to a stranger! (ok, I finished editing my paper)_ do you think that this (spilling out thoughts on paper) is healthy for all of us? not that it's not, but compared to making no difference I think so.
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Ah! 8secs! O no 16 sec! er. er. what am I supposed to type. this is kinda stupid. ah! phone! must not answer. must not answer! hi Shawn! er. talking to Shawn. typing with one hand. not thinking straight. can't multi-task. Ah! 2min 17 sec! hang up Shawn! hang up! eeek. panicking! Talking about tomorrow's chem Exam. Man, didn't even know until just a few minutes ago when Shawn called to remind me. Hm. I should start studying right after I finish this. I got to get more organized and responsible. I wonder what other peoples thoughts are like, I watched What Women Want not too long ago, that is a very interesting movie. it says a lot about how women think. I wonder if any of it is actually true. wouldn't it be nice to know what women are thinking. I would like that power, I can never really tell what they are thinking. my room mate is watching an anime with cute girl voices and drama. I think it's called Kare Kano or something like that. reminds me of Fruits basket. o well, hm. there never seems to be adiquet lighting around my work area. maybe I should get another light, my room mate is laughing. the anime sounds funny, making all those funny anime noises. I miss something. I don't know what. I should call An-Vi earlier today, I think she was kind of disappointed that I didn't call her the other day. I wonder how college is like for her in UTSA, she says it is nice and all, but I bet there are a lot of good looking guys there. heh, what am I talking. thinking about. shouldn't worry. hm. I wonder. don't know what I'm wondering, Juliet's thoughts were much better I think, mine are just not really relevant. ice cream. why? I don't know. being influenced by others thoughts :p o well. need more water, can't drink water from first few weeks of school. I miss hugging her. I feel lonely. don't know why, there are a lot of pretty girls in UT Austin, a lot of asians. wonder why everyone likes to party so much. mom always says that there will be someone for me, there are tons of pretty girls in UT. guess she was right, but don't know if any of them will like me. :sigh: I would like a better hair style, mine seems too plane, I would like to spike it like Goku but not as short as most guys nowadays. 14 min. I wonder how much I've written, I should learn to type faster. ice cream. food. hm. I've been eating less lately. pretty much only eating lunch. a late lunch at that, The hills are a live with the sound of music!" heh, don't know why I just thought of that, 15 min. hm. :looking at finish button: I wonder if I'll be able to print this out. I feel like I'm not thinking deep enough, I wonder why. should I go back this week or no? I want to because my parents probably miss me, and I want to tell them to be less stressed so their immune system won't become worse. there is a potluck party this weekend back home apparently. my roommate is going back, I'm not really thinking any of this I think. it's more like a cover of what my mind is really chaotically thinking about. I don't know, I can't explain it. I can't sleep well. never could. wish I could. then I could stay awake in class. :blank:. well, Merry x'mass for you is on my songs list. it's sung by Aya Matsuura. wouldn't it be nice to be friends with her, I wonder if I can ever become really important, eh, I think it's more important to know as much as possible and help more people, like superman or something. well, hm. about 55 sec left. I feel like I should type something more meaningful, I've pressed backspace a lot. I wonder how my sister is. I want to go to a party. and meet more people. I wonder how Daniel is, he was mad at me, don't know for sure now. Juliet is cool, she likes some things that I didn't know anyone else would like, interesting how life works out. didn't know my friend in high school's hobbies would make me interested in something that someone else would be interested in. funny how life is. I've coincidently met people I've not really known but just know on the streets of the campus lately. like Grace and LiLa and some other friends. I think I'm getting better at talking. I want to get smarter. I feel small for some reason. dreams are for the lazy. goals are for the ambitious. I like to dream. I'm ambitious. is that bad or good? I have no idea.
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This is the psychology writing assignment. I hear people talking and I do not like what they are saying I have so much to do today, and I've already done so much. what am I going to do when I get home. I think I'm hungry but I don't feel faint like usual. I want to talk to matt about things but then again he just gets upset. more talking that I don't want to hear. there is training going on and he seems to be annoyed with the guy. like I'm annoyed. I wonder if carol has written me back. this is actually a weird assignment, but very easy, my fingers are getting tired because I type quite fast. I know I have some mistakes but I doubt the professor cares. I met some guy in class the other day. his name is, well I shouldn't tell you the name. he draws stuff. that reminds me he gave me a website to go visit and I don't have it with me. that's a bummer, huih? I wonder what bill is doing. I shouldn't be thinking about him, I should be thinking about mat. matt matt matt. I know that guy that just walked in. he was in my mis class and he was annoying. why do I keep saying that word. annoying annoying annoying in my head. I'm really not like that and it's only been 3 minutes writing. what if someone can't type very well and they do this assignment. their brain processes stuff faster than what they are typing. I bet they would only get a few lines out before time was up. what is the point of this experiment. I would like to know professor! anyhow I'm still hungry I just want to vedge out because I've been at school all day long and it's already 7:10 in the evening. I want to go home but I'd rather not ride the bus. you know this morning the bus was so crowded. stop talking man! I want you to shut up. this guy is always in the computer lab. he mentioned that he went to college but never managed to graduate and now he works here. I don't know what I think about that. At first I felt sorry for him. Old Navy. must go there to return some clothes that doesn't fit me, not because they're too small, but because I bought them one size too big. That's not like me I bought the clothes in San Francisco. I know and now I'm returning them here. I think it was definitely an impulse buy. I bought a shirt that had #24 on there. oh god, it's only been 6 minutes. this is way too long. this is going to give me what is it calle? carpal tunnel syndrome. thanks a lot prof! I'm just hungry don't mind me. I actually talk to myself that's great to know. matt told me he thought I talked to myself, but I only do it when n someone is in the room because I know that person is listening. my sister on the other hand, talks to herself. in the shower, while getting ready, while doing something. she doesn't realize it, I don't think. and now she is a professor at a community college in san antonio, where my parents live. I'm actually kind of scared of what I might write here today because now there is 8 minutes left. can't wait for this to be over over over. yesterday I felt horrible. it was just a bad day all together and I recently took that pretest thing that 301 requires. it made me think of all this stuff I don't want to think about. I wonder if I'm really crazy and the survey is going to tell me that. like they would send me an e-mail saying thank you for participating, and you're crazy" "go see a psychiatrist" yeah that's what they would do. well they wouldn't because everything is so damn professional now a days. you have to sign consent forms and give up your unborn child and all that stuff. I wonder if I'm being funny. prof, if you're reading this, you must have a lot of time on your hands. that guy that asked me if he could borrow my pen. he had some thing on his head. it looked like pantyhose tied at the back. what is that? what's that for? I don't even think that prevents you from getting hot or cold. it's one of those fashion things I obviously I don't understand. yeah things are too strict now. you can't do things you used to and people feel "safer" but it's just a lot of fear building up that's going to explode one of these days. how sad is that? I hope I'm in another country when it all blows up. I don't even think people realize it because not everyone is thinking that way. they just live their lives and not care. like people who don't vote. I just think that kind of indifference is why the country is going to s#$@#$ yeah I'm not going to cuss here. I bet you're having a good time with this, professor pennebaker. ok now there is only 7 minutes left and counting. whoohoo! I can't wait to go home. I've done all this crap online today because my internet does not work at home on my computer. it works on my roommate's but not mind. that's just a bunch of crap. that reminds me, I should get a netzero customer service number while I have the internet available. I bet it's dark outside. what am I having for dinner? sometimes I just have popcorn for dinner. isn't that sad? I just don't have that much money to be spending here and there. oooh. but yesterday I did buy chik fil a for lunch. that might have been a bad move because I was feeling nauseated after that. it's not good when you have to sit through an hour and 15 minute class. yes that's yours, professor! I like your class though. it's so different from what I've taken here at UT and I've taken A LOT, believe me! I just think this whole pre=health thing that I am doing is just me trying to prove something to myself (first and foremost) and to others. I just want to know that I can do it. I think the profession I want to go into, optometry, is a good profession. I think I spend a lot of time slacking off. sometimes I'm really down on myself and I'm very hard on myself. I wish I were not like that but what are you going to do? at least I'm not like I was last fall. I was such a mess. my survey will probably prove that. it was a very dark time in my life. yesterday part of that came back and that is why yesterday was not such a good day. I cried like I used to cry last year and it wasn't like me. I thought a lot of that aspect of healing was over, but I guess every once and awhile it comes back. I just have this feeling that she is not gone and she is going to somehow come back into my life. is this supposed to make me feel better? well gosh darnet it's working. I usually don't say things like "gosh darnet" but today must be your lucky day, professor pennebaker. I like that last name. I bet you have a lot of fun with that. I'm curious to hear what music is played tomorrow before class starts. uh oh only one minute left. better make the rest of this good. mmmm. chicken tenders. that's what I wanted last night but was too lazy to drive and get it. I'm not that much a lazy person. I worked out on sunday morning and am still sore from it. that means I'm supposed to work out today. only 10 seconds left I hope you've learned a lot from me prof. because you won't set
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I'm hungry, but I don't have any of the food I normally eat. If I had a car, I'd go to the grocery store and buy myself some more Myoplex (protein shakes) and some cereal and some milk, but my parents heard too many horror stories about first year college students flunking out of school because they drove their roommate to wrestling matches and out-of-town football games and such, so they wouldn't let me bring my car this semester. If I had gone to school out of state, like both my brother and sister did before me, I wouldn't be getting a car for the entire first year, but since my school tuition is roughly one third of what theirs was, and I have some scholarships on top of that, my parents are considering letting me bring my car to Austin at semester. I really don't know where there's room to park a Ford Expedition in this town, but I'll find some place. My car would have been nice to have last last Sunday morning, because there was a rowing team meeting at the boathouse, which is too far to walk to, and I ended up not being able to go because I couldn't find a ride. I was pretty upset, but My R. A. Danny, the one who talked me into trying out for the rowing team, told me to go to practice this morning anyway, and the coaches wouldn't mind. He was right. I just added my name to their list of names that they got at different meetings that I wasn't able to attend, went through the workout, and they told me to come back on Wednesday. It was a lot tougher than I would have thought, in some respects, but a lot less strenuous in others, when I look back at it. The one mile jog wasn't hard at all, and neither were the pull-ups, but eventually the sit-ups wore me out, and the jump-squats actually made me nauseous after a few sets. I think that's mainly because my legs were really sore from the gym the day before, which was a bad move on my part, but it's hard to say. I've never done jump-squats before, so I might have felt sick afterwards without being sore. We didn't get to go out on the water, which was somewhat disappointing, but the group of guys I was with are supposed to take a boat out on wednesday, while the other groups run body circuits, since that's all our group was able to do. We did actually take a boat down to the dock, and set it in the water, but I wasn't able to get in, and the boat never left the dock, so it wasn't as much fun as it could have been. I'm somewhat nervous about the next practice session. We get to use the rowing machines for the first time, and I've never used one before. I'm not sure if three sets of ten minutes is going to be a breeze, or if I'm really going to throw up this time. I work out 6 days a week, and I run, and most of my workouts are repetition, not heavy lifting, so I could definitely be in worse shape for rowing, but I'm still not sure how far away I am from the kind of endurance I need for the urgs" (rowing machines. ) I would actually be stronger, but have less endurance if my shoulder hadn't been giving me problems all through high school. I pulled it while unloading some suitcases for some elderly friends at the New York airport after a two week cruise through Southern Europe. We went to the doctor, they told me to lay off it, and I did, but apparently it wasn't long enough. I was too anxious to get back in the gym, and I never let it heal completely, so about six months later I hurt it again. Six months after that, when it happened the third time, my parents took me to a doctor, and eventually to physical therapy. The therapist told me that my scapular region was too weak in comparison with my pectorals, triceps, biceps, and deltoids. Apparently I hadn't trained my back well enough to keep up with the rest of my upper body, which was causing my shoulders to carry all the strain of my movements, where the muscles in my back were supposed to be assisting the shoulder. The doctor was amazed that both shoulders hadn't been more severely damaged, but I was told that I wasn't beyond repair. A full month of therapy, very specific exercises, cross-friction massages, and ice massages helped a lot, but my shoulder is still pretty fragile. If I push myself too hard on the bench press, or if I don't put ice on my shoulder while stretching it for about ten minutes after every workout, it's sore for the next few days. I'm hoping that rowing will help develop the muscles in my back, especially the scapular region, so I can push myself harder at the gym when I'm training the rest of my upper body. The pull-ups we did the first day of training worked parts of my back that I can feel had been neglected, because the muscles were all tight and sore after only two sets of the pull-ups. Apparently some muscle somewhere in my back is getting some work, so I'm happy with the training so far. I was actually worried for a while that I wouldn't be able to train the rest of my body if I got serious rowing, but the coaches talked to us about how rowing really only works out your back and your biceps, so the rest of your body will need developing too, like your chest and triceps. This means I can still go to the gym, and I actually have more reason now than ever, because I have to keep my chest strong enough to balance with the back muscles that I will undoubtedly be developing. Running and jump-squats in training won't come anywhere close to giving me the leg workout I want, but I'm not sure when I'll be able to work legs without being sore at training the following day. I suppose that after a few weeks of real practice, assuming I make the team, I'll be able to decide when to work my legs, and how hard. Some of the guys there seemed to have been working out, or playing football in high school, because they were pretty used to running body-circuits, and jogging, and weren't too beat at the end of the day. Some of the other guys were obviously novices in the world of fitness. A few people vomited, one guy passed out, and I heard talk about a guy who was trying the rowing workout a few days ago who fell flat on his face and started convulsing. I'm not sure exactly what was going on there, but I'm glad nothing like that has happened to me yet. I can't wait for it to get cold outside, so I can actually stand in that boathouse without wanting to collapse. It was so hot and stuffy in there today that going outside in the 80 degree weather felt like walking into a refrigerator. Once it gets colder, I'm sure I'll have to buy a sweatshirt, and some warmer gym shorts, but the cold will be much more welcome than the hot sticky boathouse. It'll be a lot colder if I fall in the water too, but I'm hoping that won't happen too often.
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What an odd assignment, write about anything for 20 minutes straight. I really like UT but it is so huge, sometimes I wished I had stayed in College Station. My boyfriend and friends are still in College Station, I was so close to Houston and that is were my family resides. Its only a hour and a half drive but from Austin its an extra 30 minutes and you can definitely feel the difference when driving. My brother is nearby in San Marcos and that is only spitting distance from here. While living at home this past summer I didn't like it that much, now I really miss those crazy people I call my family. There was always a fair share of fighting but in some weird way that is how we express our love. I really need to start working out again because living in Austin is making me chubby. You would think that walking around campus would be enough exercise but you are sadly mistaking. I have so much math homework which by the way is due tomorrow, I can't wait to see my boyfriend who is coming in tomorrow. Its our 6 month anniversary and most of the relationship has been a long distance one. I have known him for about 2 years now and its definitely better to be friends first. My family loves him except for my crazy step dad, he is pretty weird guy anyways. He is always grumpy about something especially when it comes to money. Money really is the root of all evil, but you can't live comfortably without it. Everything is so expensive now and days, the cost of gas is absolutely outrages. What is crazy is that me and my boyfriends anniversary is on such a tragic day in American history. So many innocent people lot their live for no apparent good reason, and it all happened instantly. Its very scary to think that today could be your last on this earth. Its hard to imagine what I would do if somebody close to me perished in such a horrific way. Its hard to think about without getting emotional. I would hate to grow old and have to watch my loved ones pass first, I would rather go before everyone even thought that sounds greedy. Its pouring down rain right now, and I hate living alone when the weather is nasty outside. I'm tired of being broke it seems to suck my spirit right out of me sometimes, I definitely feel I'm paying my dues though and hopefully I can do something positive with this college education.
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My name is Ashley Mitchell and I am getting ready to write everything that crosses my mind within the next 20 minutes. Right now I'm thing about all the reading I have to do for my classes and what am I supposed to do with myself since I don't have a Psychology book. The book won't be coming in until Monday. I believe in God so I now that he will make a way for me to get my hands on a Psychology Book. What tv show comes on tonight and how long is this scholarship dinner going to be. Why does the Rugrats tv show come on in the middle of the day. What is my sister up to today? When is their next Battle of The Bands? My back hurts from typing so awkwardly. It's only been 4 minutes. It seems like I've typed everything I can think about. The lunch was pretty good I had I just wonder was it too fattening. I need to call the football trainer and see if I can get in touch with him. I need to start making connections now as a freshman if I want to accomplish my goals. HHMMMMmMMMm. I don't think the new Romeo show will be any good. I need to go and practice the piano since I haven't practiced since I left home. I need to find an organization that's perfect for me and I think the Texas Gospel is perfect. HMMMMMMM. I've never met the professor yet and I really have no idea what this class is going to be about. It seems like it could be interesting though. I'm glad I made the decision to come to UT. I feel like I've made a major change with myself. Spiritually, socially, and physically. I've grown up with black people my entire life. At first I thought that it was going to be a total culture shock, but I shocked myself when I found out it's pretty cool to meet people other than your own race. I enjoy being with my people and all, but sometimes in life you have to step out and do something for yourself. If I had a went to a school with most of the people I already knew I probably wouldn't make any new friends which isn't good. I need to get a job when I get back to Houston. What time is it. What time does my Psychology class begin. It begins at 3:30 so I still have plenty of time. Let me put my folder into my bag so that I won't leave it here. Boy I sure don't feel like walking to class in this heat. Burdine hall is too far away. I know that it's good exercise and all, but I just don't feel like walking. I don't see how people can stand to live in Austin. There is nothing here to do, but go to school. At least I haven't seen anything here that would make me want to live here. I need to turn the tv volume down a little so that I can really think. I'm going to work out today. It feels good to work out. My roommate is probably wondering what am I still doing typing on the computer because I have been on the computer for almost and hour and I've been typing for almost 20 minutes straight with slight hesitation. So what is Prof Pennebaker going to do with all these thoughts when he reads them. My head is itching and it is too cold up in this building.
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My head hurts so bad right now, why. I need more tea, I'm thirsty. what do I have to do tomorrow. bio. lab, lots of reading. that sucks, I wonder how many pages I actually have to read, like 4 chapters. ew. I need to turn in this form to the health office, actually I'm not sure where I need to turn it into, I should call Alexis and find out. I wish I had frozen yogurt right now. I need a job. where are my roommates are. my head hurts so bad right now. I need to get one of those egg crate things for my bed, I think that'll help my back, I'm so tired, I need to take a nap. I need to do homework. I should call my mom later and tell her about the stress causes immune suppression thing, what's my brother is doing. I should call my dad too, I haven't talked to him like four weeks. I need to send him the letter I wrote. wow, my head really hurts. I should call Lora and see if she is going to be in College Station this weekend. I wonder why her and her boyfriend broke up, he is a jerk, oh well. I need to call Ashley and tell her to buy me a gift for Jena's birthday this weekend. I wish it was my birthday, I need a vacation already. how many tests I have next week. Adam's coming next week, what time does his flight come in, I should call him tonight and find out. what time does he get off work, I need to find a nice place for us to eat, what's on sixth street, I should call Ashely she had know. I need to clean my room before friday. yesterday was grandparents day I think, I need to call my grandma. I want to go to New York for the winter break. I'm so tired right now. Sept. 11 is this week, wow, that is like two years, goodness. wow. I need to go to the grocery store. oh yay, Amy's home. this should be fun, except not at all, I wonder if she is driving to class tomorrow, I should get a ride, I hate riding the bus. I hate standing up on the bus. I think it should be a rule that if you're a boy you have to stand up for girls on the bus. my first class is at 10 in the morning. I have so much to read. did I take my medicine this morning. I think. I can't believe how much I forget lately, I need to get that checked out. Sarah's team is playing us in a volleyball tournament this weekend, I should call her and see what time so I can go watch, Staci is coming in this weekend. oh, that's going to be so much fun. we should go downtown. I need money. I need a job, I wonder if I can get a job here at the apartment complex, I bet that'd lower my rent. all of a sudden I stopped capitalizing my I's . I think it makes me type faster. that's neat, I love my smell-good candle, my head hurts, how long does advil take to work, I need to go check my mail . when's our electric bill due? I'm hungry, what did I eat today. I need to buy more milk and sweet n low. I'm not going to the grocery store till sunday, oh, I have to get my film developed before monday, I should take it to one hour photo, at the grocery store. I wonder what Alexis is doing, I should go chill with her instead of reading for bio. discussion. I need to clean my room and do laundry before this weekend, oh my stomach hurts too. I wonder if I took my ulcer medicine this morning, I need to get my prescription filled. I have to go register to vote in Austin this week, or next week maybe. oh my gosh my head is killing me this sucks. oh my 20 minutes are up.
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Trying to talk to my friends on the computer but I have to do this writing assignment. At least its easy, right? Oh well. I was bored anyways and this should keep me occupied. what am I going to do tonight. don't really want to go to southwest with kyle again. it usually turns out to be rather boring anyways. I really like this new piebald cd. its happy. I hate the keyboard on my laptop though. not very anatomically correct. I think that is the way of putting it at least. what difference does it really make though. time for new music though. piebald is only good for so long. I have rather odd taste in music, strange how much it can vary really. this time is the last time, so be here now. no reason to worry, everything will be fine. soundtrack for our movie is an excellent song. I wonder if I say that just because this girl likes it? odd how people can have influence on decisions. I need to read more. especially for school. I just can't focus and retain any of it. and then it makes me not want to read for myself, which sucks. I'm tired, I should go to sleep. but I know I won't and I probably won't get much sleep tonight which sucks as well. so much to do, so little time. its cold in my room, I should put on a sweatshirt, probably won't though. weakness of will, is that an example of it? not necessarily I suppose because there is no right or wrong in that example. but is there such thing as right or wrong, at least as an ultimate, underlying right or wrong. there has to be a determination of right and wrong in every person, with his or her own definition of it though, right? or in some instances could you just act on instinct and impulse and not have any understanding of what is the right course of action and what the wrong one is. can anybody tell me what is right or wrong, especially with no previous concept of what my ethics and morals are? no, so therefore nobody can tell anybody what is right or wrong so there is no
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Basically right now I am feeling a little bit stressed out. I have to go to this Fiesta tonight for my sorority and I think it will be really fun, but we have to dress up. I have no idea yet what I am going to wear. On top of all of that I have class pretty much all day today. My Freshmen Seminar is really interesting, but we stayed last week for the entire 3 hours and that is just kind of a long time to be hearing about libraries. For some reason I am also feeling kind of overwhelmed by school. I don't know if I am behind or if I will be prepared for the tests or what. I always thought that I would have so much more time in college because I wouldn't be at school for 9 hours a day, but for some reason I never seem to have enough time. And wow, right now I am really tired. I wanted to try to get to sleep kind of early last night so I could wake up early today and get some things done, but of course that didn't happen. I'm also pretty hungry so I need to decide on something to have for lunch. We really need to go to the grocery store because we don't really have any good food. I could go eat in the cafeteria, but for some reason I don't just love that food. I mean it's not really bad, but I just don't really like everything that they have downstairs. I'm really glad that we have the kitchens in Towers because I like being able to make my own food. Now I'm back to worrying about what I am going to wear tonight. I should have thought about this a lot sooner. I tried to go get something yesterday, but I couldn't find anything. From now on I am going to get all of my costumes together much sooner. My problem is that everyone always goes to do all of that stuff in the afternoon and I always have class in the afternoon. Oh well though! I'm pretty excited about tonight, but I really just don't want to stay out too late. And then one of my friends from high school is coming in to town on Friday so I think that should be really fun. I'm excited to see her. I've been feeling randomly kind of homesick lately, but I am going home for a visit in like 2 weeks and I can't wait! Now I am seriously getting so hungry. As soon as I finish this I am going to make some lunch and I then I have to do some reading. Reading is really the only homework I have, but it is so time consuming and I feel like I always kind of put it off. I don't know why I feel like that because I am not really behind in my reading or anything. oh my, my alarm clock is going off and that is really annoying, I guess I never turned it off. I wonder if there is anyone here. I know my roommate is at class, but I'm not sure whether my suitemates are here or not. It's really quiet so I'm thinking maybe not. I am definitely going to go get a Coke and some lunch after I finish with this. I am so tired, maybe the Coke will wake me up a little bit. Goodness, I just wish I knew what I was going to wear tonight. I think maybe I'll call my sister later and see what she thinks. I just don't know though. My Zeta Bud never called me which is strange, but I can't go to the activity today anyway because I have class. Oh well. I think someone just walked in. I wonder which one of my roommates is here. I will have to go check on that and then I have a lot to do before my class at 2. I also need to find a map to where I am supposed to go for my Seminar discussion today.
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It was a really humid day today while I was walking around on campus, but now since I'm at home looking out my window, I see so many people coming home from campus, getting off the bus with water bottles. I realized that Texas weather is crazy. At one point it's humid and then the next it is super hot. It's nice and clear now. I'm sure its not that hot because it's going to be 6 pretty soon and it cools down around this time. Earlier today I thought it was going to rain. I really don't like walking around in the rain. My first day of class at UT it rained and I didn't know where I was going I was really miserable. Before you get home you get soaking wet and then the AC units are on all around campus so your freeze through your classes. Sometimes I wonder how the students at UT feel away from home. I know that my first semester here I was extremely homesick. I hated living away from home even though I was only 30 minutes away. I lived in an apt my first year and I regret the fact that I didn't live in a dorm because I would have gotten to meet so many more people that way. But then again I liked living in an apartment because I had my own space. I didn't have to share a bathroom with anyone and it sure wasn't a crowded community with only two people in 1200 square feet area. My freshman year I didn't meet very many people, but my second year I was introduced to so many more people and I started enjoying college rather than just staying at home and reading or doing homework and watching tv. There's been a big change from then and now. I actually like to stay in austin instead of going home on the weekends because I always have something to do. At home I get bored very easily. Of course I still miss my parents but its so different here with all my friends. All kinds of crazy actions go on. College life it super busy. This semester I feel is going to fly by. Before I know it I will be on Thanksgiving break then studying for finals and then home again in two weeks after that. Sometimes I feel like I need to be more active in school programs and associations. I never have time though. Something is always coming up. I have a load of homework or a test coming up that stops me from attending these functions, or most of the time I am just way too tired to do anything. For example, right now I wish I was lying in my bed taking a nap because I'll probably have to hit the books as soon as I'm done with this writing assignment. I never knew twenty minutes would take this long. Twenty minutes is a very long time. As you can probably tell I am getting very restless. I have very short patience. I like to take care of my business and get going on to the next. Time can be very crucial sometimes. When I'm late to class I wish I had more time to take are of all my stuff before I have to head out but other time when I have too much time on my hands I wish I had some chores to do or homework, despise the fact that homework can be a killer sometimes. I don't like the way this apartment is never the right temperature. It is always too cold or always too hot. It is never the right temperature. I think its because all of the rooms in this apartment are at different angles so they get cold and hot and different rates so my roommates and I always change the temperature on the thermostat according to how we each want it. Oh well I guess that's the way it works. I just looked at the timer and I have a minute or so left so now I'm thinking about time and going totally blank on my other thoughts. It's nice to randomly talk about different stuff. It's unusual but good writing assignment. Kinda funny that I sat here and typed away for a good twenty minutes, and I just got stopped so I guess that's it.
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I just started playing the Smiths. I kind of consciously did that because I wanted to see how that would make me feel while doing this assignment. I think it would be pretty funny if I had put whilst on that last sentence instead of while. Anyways, I had to put it down now because I'm now conscious of the fact that I started listening to the Smiths so I could say I was listening to them whilst typing this. There I did it, I put whilst. I also kinda put the Smiths on here probably so that if someone reads this then they'll know I listen to the Smiths. I do that a lot. I specific music whenever people around, I don't know, I guess so they'll think it's cool or something. I've been feeling really lonely recently. I was thinking about that because I wonder if anyone is going to read this, and if they do, if all this stuff being collected is going to be used so we can learn something about ourselves. I don't really want to hide anything, because I'd rather someone tell me what the hell is wrong with me, than type jive like, oh I don't know what to write, blah blah, school was fun today, because I feel really fucked up recently. I don't want things to change, this shit is so gay. Sorry, I know we're supposed to type thoughts but that's still pretty bad. I was happy this summer with a girlfriend and my friends around, but then we had to break up because she went away for college, and I freaked out on her which wasn't cool, but I was just really scared. Yes, this song is awesome. I should probably go to the mental health center, but I'm scared of the process of signing up for an appointment, probably more than actually telling someone something, because then I have to talk to real people and I'm not so good at that. That's why I'm really lonely lately, I don't know how to talk to people, and I'm meeting all these new people, and I have no idea what to say, so I just don't say anything. I'd kind of really like to meet some new people, because I hate sitting around my room all the time, even though that's all I do. I'm scared to like walk up and talk to someone though. It's quite a frightening experience, and I get all nervous when I'm around people. This typing is really hurting my shoulder because I'm on my laptop. Shit, I just hit the back button. Alright, I'm going to keep typing, but this is really gay, now I got to tack on another 10 minutes. Whoever reads this is probably going to be pissed that they have to read a 1/3 more than everyone else. Well, I better not get in trouble for it is all I can say. Speaking of gay, I called my girlfriend, I guess ex-girlfriend, because I want to keep in touch with her, and she told me about how she saw this guy with a Dashboard Confessional sticker and a Smiths sticker on his backpack, and she told me about how she and her new friend went up to him and asked him if he actually listened to good music or not, it being assumed that Dashboard Confession is pretty crappy, (and who's to blame that assumption, with lyrics like, Far away from all the stupid questions / 'Hey, did you get some' / Man that is so dumb") nonetheless, what the hell is she talking about, she didn't even know who the Smiths were until like a month ago when I told her about them, and I mean, I still think it's funny, but a lot of the music she is into now is from me. I don't know, I think I am just pissed off because she wanted to break up. But, it's perfectly reasonable, we're completely across the country, I'm being ridiculous I know, it just ended so fast, and I'm still upset. Ahh, this isn't fair, I still have 13 minutes left because I hit back somehow, this is going to take forever. My shoulder is kind of starting to hurt, I think this is a really cool assignment, because it's just stream of consciousness, but it's taking forever, Agamemnon. That's what I say when I'm saying Aggh, or something, because it sounds cooler. I can't stop thinking about my girlfriend. I really think I have some sort of problem with dependence, I feel like I HAVE to be around people most of the time or I start to feel sort of depressed, like no one cares about me. This being away from some of my friends and alone in this new environment, is making things worse. My History of the Banjo teacher, that's a freshman seminar, told us we had to grow our nails out longer to play the banjo, and it's driving me crazy, because I hate semi-long nails, they always feel dirty, and I can feel them now whilst I type, clacking against the keys, it's irritating. I think there's something wrong with my smell, I don't think I can smell anything. That wouldn't be surprising anyways, I think there's something wrong with everything about me and everything I do. I always seem to fail at anything I try, I can get good grades, but I've been missing assignments in college already, which is just compounding things and making things worse. aggh, or I mean agamemnon. I keep looking at this scratch on my arm, where I cut myself with a razor. I don't think I'll do that again, I was feeling really depressed on Saturday, I didn't eat anything all weekend, and I normally regimen my meals very carefully, but I didn't eat anything, and feeling depressed and having read about self-injury, I wanted to try it, but cutting myself with a razor didn't feel particularly painful or punishing, and hardly seemed worth the effort involved, considering you have to clean up the blood, so I don't think I'll bother with that again. I can't even do that right. I've actually been feeling better the rest of this week, but I kinda want to talk to someone, just because I don't think there's any guarantee I won't feel like I did on Saturday again, and I felt terrible Saturday morning. That was until I did DXM, which of course made me realize that things will eventually work themselves out. I just wish I could manage to carry that feeling over into the real world, because not worrying about things is such a beautiful feeling. I think I worry too much, but I'm always sure that as soon as I get by myself no one's going to ever want to see me again and I'll be stuck like that. I wish I could meet some people here, but I don't know what to say. It's hard to just talk to someone, it's always boring conversation, and at the end, they always go their own way, and never want to do something with you again. No matter how good you try to make the conversation, they never seem to want to continue after that, despite reading constantly that the way to make friends is to simply talk to someone. Bullshit.
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This is my first year here at the University of Texas and I am very overwhelmed with all of the expectations. It is so hard for me because I have had to learn how to get around in such a large town, on such a huge campus, and living on my own for the first time is crazy. I have to find a job because I need to be able to pay my bills and I still have so much school work that I have to keep up with. At the Junior College I attended everything was very personal and it was easy to talk to a teacher or advisor whenever you needed to. Here everything is done over the computer which I guess is good since we are in the electronic age, but I just like the old fashioned way of pen and paper and face to face. I miss my family, especially my sister. I moved here by myself and I really don't know anybody here in Austin. I've never had to do so much walking in my life! I guess I should get all the exercise that I need walking back and forth to my classes. I'm worried that I won't be able to keep up in classes. I think I'm just nervous because everything has been a big change and I'm still very overwhelmed by all of it. I just wish sometimes that it would be a little bit easier and people would be a little bit more explanatory about things. Twenty minutes is a long time to write. I never thought I would feel pressured to think. I guess my thoughts don't come that often or just don't continue for twenty minutes straight. I still have ten more minutes to write. I wonder how these will be graded. I have so much to do today. I need to wash clothes, go to the grocery store, I have to clean since a friend is coming to visit me this weekend, and I have a test I have to start studying for. I hope the test won't be too difficult. I always worry about the first tests in a class. They pretty much set the tone for the rest of the semester. If you do really bad, then you have to bust your butt for the rest of the semester, if you do good then your pretty much set for a successful semester. I wish that all teachers would do a review. Reviews for tests really help me to learn the material because I end up going over it again and again. I guess its really repetition that makes me learn. Man, I still have five more minutes to write. I have never been in a class that was as big as this psychology class. I was totally blown away by the amount of students that are in that class. I bet its really hard to teach to an audience of that size. There must be so many distractions for the professor because I know I get distracted just sitting there. In an auditorium you can hear so many noises because of the echoes, sometimes your focus drifts away. I think that I'm going to like this class. It seems like it will be interesting and fun. I think that if every class was interesting and fun, then the college would be full of 4. 0 students walking down the street. My finance class is one of the classes that interests me the very least.
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Man these computer labs on campus are so sad, everybody seems dead. I guess its probably because its sunday. I feel tired too wish I could go to sleep. I guess I would if I didn't have all this work to do. can't believe its already 2 weeks into school. it still feels like summer. well I guess before I know it its going to be finals. man I need to call nathan and get that HW of him. wow that girl is pretty hot. she probably is not that hot but I guess being in the engineering school you got to accept what you can get. man I wish I didn't do engineering. can't believe its been 4 years. I really hate it but I guess it will get me a job. I guess that is why I did engineering. I wish I had done architecture. I can't draw but still its seems so much more fun. I used to suck at drawing in high school. I guess its a talent. man I wish those two girls would shut up they have been liking whispering for 20 minutes. I hate people who whisper I rather them just talk loud, even though its lab. its very irritating. thank god she left. man I can't believe dallas lost that game. they played so damn carp. so much for paying bill parcells 17million bucks. they are never going to win if they don't get a new QB. carter sucks, its been like 3yrs they should realize he can't play. well screw it. I so want to be done with school, I can't believe these freshman classes. they all look like a bunch of kids, they seem so damn enthusiastic and happy to be in school. it will be funny to see them in 4 years and see what they think then. that girl in government class, I have never seen somebody so happy to be taking a class. I wonder if I was like this when is was freshman. I guess I was excited to be in college. always wanting to party and stuff. but I don't know if I was as crazy as sara's sister. she is well on her way to the freshman 15. crazy girl. but I don't think I partied as much, maybe I did. I feel old. I really need to get out of austin. getting tired of this town.
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My window is just above my bed. I can't see the stars but the lights of the city substitute nicely. I wish my bed were higher so I could lay in it and look out the window over the city. This is the one place that I feel on top of the world even though lately my world has been crumbling down. I see the cars going by, some steadily others as though they were racing. and the last remind me of my drum major in high school who used to yell at us for lollygagging. " I imagine they are going to exciting places. Places where they don't worry if their boyfriend is cheating on them or why they can't seem to motivate themselves to do the assigned readings for class. I pretend for them. I make them my social group. I have named the girl who sits on the wall outside dobie Lisa. I think its a nice name. She is always out there to smoke cigarettes, I imagine because her roommate is the type that is anal and can't stand to have the rules bent much less broken. Lisa hates that. That is why she wears shorts 2 sizes to small that make her legs dimple while she is perched atop the wall. I am lonely. When I look out my window I feel like everyone else is too. We are a disjointed people connected by this city, these lights and sounds that are the stuff of civilization. I'm sure someone else is in that blue building with the step-like structure. sitting somewhere looking out, feeling the same as me. I like it when it rains, when the sky is heavy and dark and sad. I wish it would rain here. I have never seen that from my window. I think that I might like to live in a tall building like this later on in life, but I would have to live there alone. Its hard to bask in my emotions while my roommate debates who loves who more with her feminine boyfriend before they discuss what they're going to do for their umpteenth month anniversary. My suitemate fits me better. I feel how she acts, but I can't express myself that way for too many reasons. one very big one being my excessively religious parents. They would flip. No one understands my thoughts. I care so much more about the whys than the what is, but I act the opposite. I wish I could do nothing but read all day. I'd go in the living room in the pappazan or however you spell it chair by the window in there-but it would have to be higher too--to see out the window. That is what connects me, keeps me here, keeps me from floating away. So I would sit there and I would read. I would go all sorts of places and be all sorts of people but my window would be my anchor as I sailed through these many parallel universes. I think my favorite would be in a Jane Austen novel. they're so warm. There's such a sense of how to act without ever having to think. I wish I didn't think. I try to keep myself so busy that I don't, but my mind won't be constrained. Its only controlled by the window, my looking glass sanctuary. Its solitude without loneliness. I feel the most lonely with lots of people. on the south mall at noon, walking to class. So many people with such well put together lives, purposeful strides and slender hips. I watch them. I am behind a tree. I wear long skirts to cover what I wish wasn't there, with my thick dark hair pulled back, tugging on my wrinkled shirt that won't ever stay into place. I am magic though, I have powers. I can be invisible. No one ever knows that I'm there. No one ever knows I'm at my window with its menagerie of colored lights. I don't know about anything anymore. I wish someone would just tell me what I'm supposed to do. that there was some fated order of things. That would be easy to accept, that is why we have religion. It gives you all the whys and leaves you only the what is. but for some of us that won't suffice. No doctrine will halt the whys of my mind, I will always wonder about it if not the things it claims. I'm confused and lonely and at my window. It doesn't make sense. But tomorrow I'll get up and I'll go to class. I'll say hi to all my friends and smile. The weird thing is I'll even enjoy it and be distracted so that I only focus on the what is. I'll watch TV and do homework, and probably even go to a club with the cute guy I can't ever date because he happens to be my untrustworthy boyfriends cousin. (yes there are so many problems). But then I'll go to bed. I'll lie and look out the pane that sensitizes me to my pain, and I'll think about all the whys of my life and how I'll probably never figure them out, just how to distract myself from them.
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I am thinking right now that this is kind of difficult. I don't want everyone to know my personal thoughts. I guess I have to do it anyway to make a good grade on this. I need to get everything done so that I can go home. I have to clean my room and do the psychology experiment, which takes a long long time. I don't know what to expect from it either. Oh well, it's required so I am going to do it. I can't wait to go home because when I do I get a snow cone. That might sound juvenile to be happy about something like that, but there are a lot of people who like them. I especially like pink lemonade with ice cream in the middle. I think I might get that. I always get it though. I guess I don't like to try new things. This is actually kind of fun. My friend Monica is in this class too. Are ya'll going to take off for backspaces? I don't even know if ya'll can see when we erase stuff. I am a fast typer, but I make a lot of mistakes. That's why I am saying that I erase. My friend Monica also made me a cd. It's really good. It's funny because it has songs on it that apply to my life. Well not necessarily my life, but a boy in my life. I'm very confused about him. I'm not saying that he is gay. I just don't know what to do. It seems that I have been thinking and talking about him all the time. I e-mailed him and everything. I think that if you think about something too much it gets boring after awhile. You just confused yourself even more. What happened with him is that we liked each other, but I didn't know what I wanted from our relationship and so I guess I got scared. Now I don't know what to do. I always say that if it is meant to be it will be later. God is the only one that knows the future. That's what I don't like. I wish I just knew all the answers to everything. Man I just lost my train of thought. That's not cool. Anyway this writing assignment is pretty easy. I think it helps to get things out. We think a lot. Gahlee. My grammar is bad. Oh well, it doesn't really matter. Let me think of something else to talk about. Hmmmmm, I guess I can talk about my room mate. Maybe tell stories. Not bad ones of course. I'll write down how we met. I was really afraid that I would be shy at orientation since I was in high school. High school was crap. I wasn't made fun of and stuff. I was just ready to get out of there. I went to orientation and she was my roommate there because we are both in Preview which is a group that takes summer school and they pay for everything except for $350 of it. It actually helps you a lot. You get 6 hours of credit for $350 and you make a lot of friends. That's actually where I met that guy. Monica and I got a long really well. It seems that we are exactly alike. That's really cool. She lives in San Antonio. Well, she is from there she lives here. Ok so we met and I was pretty outgoing which is a good thing. I have changed a lot. I changed when I got here. I think that is weird because usually it takes me a long time to get used to a place. You get off track in these things easily. I was just thinking a second ago about how I went to my pal teacher's class and it threw me off. I thought of it because I talked about how different it has been coming here. My friend and I went to her class so that we could see her and she ended up making us talk about college. I miss Pals so much. It was a lot of fun just really difficult sometimes. It was kind of like Preview in a way. People could get in your business easily. I can't stand it when people don't mind their own business. That's funny because I am really nosey myself. Not in the sense that I like to learn everything about everyone's personal lives just that I am curious about everything. I really like this cd. She did a good job. Daniel, Monica's b/f is coming to visit her this withe. I hope that ya'll know what b/f and withe mean. Monica really likes him I think. He seems like a really sweet guy. The guy that I like is sweet too. I haven't even said his name yet. I guess I should but somethings need to remain private. Then again it's not like ya'll would know who he is. Awww friends are friends forever. I love this song. It's so sweet. Man my time is almost up that's not fun. I like doing this. I'm singing in my head. I would type that out but it would take too long. I wonder who else likes this song.
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Here I sit in the Jester computer lab, wishing that I didn't have to be here. Why don't I have a computer, better yet, why don't I have a friend that will let me use their computers? College is not like what I thought it would be. It definitely is as hard as I thought it might be, school work wise, but I thought that the friends part would come easily. I have spent 14 years of my life living overseas with americans. It was a military base in Asia. The people in Dodds schools systems are incomparable to the people in America. They are open-minded and excepting. I was raised to believe that all man-kind was this way. I figured than when I got to college I would miss my old friends, but be glad to meet some more great people in this world. But here I sit, in this lab, alone. It's not like what I expected, and worse than I ever thought. I walk around alone, and although there are worse things, I use to be known for being loud and fun. I was the person that everybody knew, and everybody liked. I was somebody on my tiny base, and in my little high school of a hundred people. But here, I am another face in the crowd. Of course I didn't expect college to be just like Turkey (where my base was), but I didn't expect to have no friends at all. People haven't even given me a chance here. I'm just hoping that things get better. They say that everybody has the same fears that I do, but then I see a ton of people hanging out with friends. Not everybody is in my boat, all of my friends are either across the Atlantic Ocean, or at least in another state. I don't want to be a pessimist, and I definitely don't want to dwell on the bad, but it gets difficult when everything that I do everyday is a reminder that I am alone. And here I sit in the computer room typing this thing, not because there isn't a computer in my room, but because it is my room mate's, and she won't let me use it. I let her use anything of mine, I don't even understand how people can actually be so stingy and be okay with themselves. My friends have always come before my possessions, and people's feelings have always come first, and I always know when somebody is feeling down, and I have always tried to help them. I am waiting for that what goes around, comes around" saying to come into action for me. Also, I had decided to be a teacher overseas for my life anyways, have my children grow up like me. This has at least cemented my life goals for me. My children are definitely growing up in a military school overseas. The people there are very warm and accepting, and living among cultures makes everyone open-minded. I don't like the way that the people act here, and most of them don't even realize what they are missing in this world. They just turn up their noses and avoid people who are different, and don't like any kind of changes. I have been through two evacuations from my base, and I was just fine. I think that I can probably handle a lot more than other people, and had they been stuck in a situation like mine, a new place with nobody that they know, they might be feeling just like me. But I do know that I will get over this, and I will feel even more blessed to see my friends and live back overseas; and I will be positive that I am doing the right thing when I give the life to my children that I had growing up. I think that it shaped my character in a good way, and if anybody here were open-minded and accepting enough to talk to me, maybe they would understand that as well. anyways, I'm back, still here in this lab on this same computer. I'm still here in this school with no body that I know. People keep on coming in and out. Do they maybe feel like I do? It is so weird to be standing in a crowd of more than 500 people, and not knowing anybody's name. But that is 500 people that I could get to know if they gave me the chance. That thought use to make me happy, now I hate the idea. I miss my old life. But I wonder, if I feel like this, there has to be at least one other person that feels like me. One other person who feels like they don't know anybody. That thought doesn't make me happy, but optimistic that maybe I will be able to meet people sometime. In the mean time, I am thankful for all of the true friendships that I made during my time spent else where, and I am glad that I at least have a loving family and friends to pick up the phone and call, no matter how far they may reside from me, I know that they care. I no that no matter how alone I am on campus, I am not alone in the world, and every night I go to sleep thinking of my friends, and smiling. And I know that in my four or five years here, I will at least make one friend. Maybe even tomorrow, so I'm just going to stop stressing about today, and pick up the phone and call a loved one for now.
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Right now, I am sitting here sick to my stomach and the world feels so small. I am waiting for a phone call that is so important, and if I don't get it, I am going to feel like a really big loser. Yes, I did just get all the blessings I could ever ask for, so I am selfish to be wanting more, but its something I really really want. All I want is to make my parents proud and to give my family something they can brag about. I have spent my whole life wanting to achieve the best, and I get so sick when I let myself down. Rejection sucks. its so hot in here, and as all my friends call because they just got the call," I feel like a loser. I am proud of myself- but rejection is not something I handle well? What if the call does not come-- will I cry, will I blame my inabilities on something else, how will I react? The anxiety I feel right now is extreme. On top of all that, I am homesick. I have a great life here in Austin, but since my family is a huge part of my life, I feel kind of left out being so far away. Everything back home seems to go on without me. my roommate here is annoying and the tv here is always on. she follows me around and sometimes I feel used because she really does not know people here. She is not in a sorority and so sometimes I feel as if she is angry at me for that. I am so anxious. my boyfriend is supportive too, but I wonder sometimes if he really has deep feelings for me. Yes, I know about his fear of commitment and all that crap, but we have been together for way too long for me not to feel totally secure with him. Oh, that stupid seventh heaven song. turn off the dang tv. All I want is peace and quiet without all the noise. Oh, and I have to worry about yesterday too. My sorority is awesome, but it makes me really uncomfortable to drink around some of them. Yes, I know. Its silly if we all drink together. But, sometimes I feel as if I have this image that I have to uphold. and that image reflects back onto all aspects of my life. my family, my faith, my school, my friends. How do I act? How do I dress? Who do I associate myself with? All of these things constantly flood my brain, and sometimes all I want to do is get far away from those thoughts. Do people love me for me? Do they love me for who I am here or the grades I make or the house I live in or the money my parents make? How do people view me? And that tv, always on. what I would give for that chatter to stop for 10 minutes. I can't even study with the noise. I am worried about this year. I need a job, I have bills to pay, I am in hard classes. how will I measure up? I love my life, I love my life. but I could seriously do without the stress. I am determined, and I already have accomplished so much this semester, but will it end? I want it to stay this way, but there is so much to lose. I am scared that I will lose it. How do I not lose it? I pray all the time, and I count my blessings. its hot in my apartment and it smells like paint. why did I choose to live in an apartment with a girl I don't like? What possessed me to do this? Did I feel independent and like a big girl? Now I feel young and naive, and way out of my league. oh, the insanity, but good things come to those who wait and I put all my trust into a higher being so things WILL work out.
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I just woke up and I am feeling so drowsy. I just went to a belly dancing show yesterday and I am thinking about how fun it was. Man that iranian guy at the club was so hot, I wish I could go up to him and talk to him, but I'm too scared. I feel like I'd be rejected in two seconds. He didn't even look at me, or did he? that dirty old arab guy was freaky though, he kept asking me to dance with him and that made me really uncomfortable. I am really really hungry, and the droning of the refrigerator isn't making the situation any better. I'm afraid to even open the refrigerator door because it smells so bad in there. We really need baking soda. I wonder if the chemistry test is going to be hard, I really hope I understand the difference between atoms and molecules and I don't completely blank out during the test. This assignment is really cool, it's helping me empty out everything in my head. it is extremely cold in here and I want to go talk to that guy on the second floor. He was such a nice person and I haven't really met any Iranians here. I hope the iranians in the ISACO club are nice and they aren't like all those fake iranian girls that dye their hair blonde and all have nose jobs and live at the mall. That reminds me of Bahareh, she was such a rude, mean stupid girl. She had no right in saying those things to me, and for some reason I can't get over it. I am thinking of Erfon, I wonder what happened to him, he reminds me of Kourosh, I hope he doesn't become afraid of me like kourosh did though. I wonder why Kourosh is acting like that? I haven't talked to him in a really long time, he shouldn't be intimidated by me! Anyway my hand is beginning to hurt and my pants are really loose on me I think if I lose any more weight they will fall off! UT's campus really makes you work out man, I wouldn't have even lifted a finger if I had gone to a college in Houston, but this school makes you work. I am taking a lot of science courses, and I hope I can handle it. I talk to God at night and I hope he hears me, I hope he helps me get through all my classes successfully, I mean, my parents expect me to get all A's. Dad said if I don't' come home with a 4. 0 GPA then I shouldn't even come home. That's not fair and how come they always compare me to Neema? It's not fair that I'm known as the not so good" kid, even though I've never done anything BAD in my life. I mean for God's sake I've never even gone on a date so why should they think I'm the "BAD KID"? I guess it's because Neema gets along with mom so much better. I really wish I had a good relationship with mom, it sucks how we can't get along ever. She was right when she said yesterday that we can't stand each other for more than a few seconds a day. We just don't understand each other, she keeps lecturing me and it pisses me off. There is only so much one person can stand, you know? I can't take being lectured three hundred hours a day, it makes me sick, how would you like it if someone kept telling you bla bla don't do this bla bla don't do that. Dad is so much easier to get along with, although he has a temper like a mofo and he is stubborn as hell! He is such a kind gentle man, I love my dad, he works so hard for our family, I hope to repay him with success. I hope he lives forever, I hope they both live forever. My legs are beginning to hurt and there is a piece of hair that has fallen on my arm and it tickles me! For some reason, I woke up this morning and my hair was curly, it was the strangest thing, usually my hair is a giant nappy fro, but today it was pretty and silky. Ut isn't as humid as houston, and I'm glad. Dude I really miss Nasim, she is such an awesome person. I emailed her the other day, but she never ever checks her email. I wonder why I never call anyone! I feel so rude when people call me and tell me, "uh how come you haven't called us that's so inconsiderate" but I'm just not a phone person, I guess. I really should call people back and let them know I care, I think I get this aspect of my character from mom because she doesn't like calling people either. It's not that I don't like talking to my friends, it's just that I never think to call them. I will though, definitely, today I will call sogol and ponta and nasim. I will call stephanie and jennifer and batool. Well I'm sitting in a room that is covered with various books and study guides and it's all a bit overwhelming. I really hope I can handle everything, although, I seem to switch out of every class I think is too hard. which is really a dumb thing to do because it means I can't handle challenges. I really need to swallow my fear and just take risks. I would take risks although all my friends are grandmas and they are so cautious that I think it might be rubbing of on me too. I need to go find friends that don't mind driving around campus at 2 a. m. but I don't want friends that drink. What on earth is up with drinking? what is so great about it? There is no way in hell I'm going to drink. So many people have told me "oh don't worry marjon, you'll start drinking when you get in college" Uhhh no I'm not, I think I know myself better than anyone else knows me and I know I'm not going to drink. I don't even think I'm going to date, I'm so afraid of rejection. I've been rejected a million times before in my own head that I can't fathom going out and actually trying to get a date. I mean I don't really know if people reject me, I think I'm being paranoid when I say that, sometimes a flicker of someone's eye sparks me off and I think they don't like me. I guess that makes me kind of insecure, or paranoid. Sometimes I make too much of situations, I over analyze and I think that what was a casual gesture was a gesture of hate? I don't know what I'm getting at here, perhaps I am not a very good judge of character. Although if I weren't a good judge of character than I would have horrible friends. Like nasim, nasim's friends are absolutely terrible, they teach her bad things and they put holes in her brain. She is such a pretty girl I wish she had stray away from that stuff and start studying so that she can come to UT. Man if you have brains and beauty, that's a big plus in this world, everything in America is aesthetic, I've noticed that. People are more inclined to talk to you if you are pretty. People don't give a crap about you if you aren't pretty. It's so superficial and stupid. I wish people's inner beauty could shine through, because most of the really gorgeous girls aren't deep. they are like a pond they are so shallow. I think it is time to get up because my feet have both fallen asleep and I know when I stand they will burn like pin pricks in my fee
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As of right now, I'm pretty happy with my life. The only thing that I question are relationship issues. After breaking up with my long-time girlfriend 6 months ago, I haven't dated any other person. I think I'm just lonely and miss the having a girlfriend" lifestyle. The girls I have met as friends I might have considered them possible girlfriend-material when in actuality they weren't, again because I missed having a girlfriend. Recently, I've gotten over the issue a bit. I've spent time with all my friends. That's the good thing about being single, you have more time for your friends. When I was going out for my ex, which by the way the relationship lasted nearly 3 years, I didn't have much time for friends. Not only that, but I chose to be with my girlfriend as opposed to my friends. This issue of mine, it's made me a bit more self conscious. I got the idea in my head that looks really do matter. Seriously though, having a "deep" relationship is important and yadda yadda,but I really do feel that looks matter too. A friend and I were discussing this. She is been there for me a lot. When I broke up with my ex-girlfriend, she was there for me to complain to. Anyways, she said that looks don't matter and it only matters a small percentage of time. I argued with her saying that she is right that looks are only a small percentage but unfortunately that's what matters at the very beginning. I met this very interesting girl this summer. Her name is Serena. She was telling me about her past, how she was somewhat of a "geek" in high school. She didn't care about her looks or anything. She is a very bright girl, very deep. Likes art and many things most girls just don't take interest anymore. She said that she realized she felt she HAD to start dressing up to attract people first, then and only then would they be able to see the "real" side of her. I completely agree with this. There is no way people can see the real side of you unless they give you a chance and unfortunately being given a chance means you have to attract them somehow. Ever since then, I've gotten a bit obsessed with my physical features. I never did care about it much. I was in a long relationship so thoughts of attracting others didn't really enter my mind. During this recent period, I've started to lift weights a bit and work out my body. Another thought of relationships I've always wondered is at what point do you really have to "settle"? The reality is that most likely you will never find the perfect girl. When you date someone, how far into the future should you consider? Unfortunately for me, I should've realized in my last relationship that there was no future. Instead, because of my fear of being alone, I stayed with her. for nearly 3 years. It was fun and all, but we had many arguments. The reality was we were two different people. Two different backgrounds, interests, ideas, practically everything. My parents didn't like her because she wasn't chinese and wasn't very bright. (I'm Chinese by the way). I'd like to talk about my family for a second. I was born in Taiwan, and moved to the USA when I was four. Thus, I speak/write fluent English but can only speak chinese(Mandarin) since I still speak it at home. I would like to think that my family is still pretty traditional, which I really like. Like most chinese families, my parents stressed educational when I was growing up. Sometimes I think this is why there is the stereotype of "asians being smarter in school". I think it's because traditionally, chinese families stress education a bit more than others. The bad thing about growing up in a "traditional" family is that living in the USA, I did not experience certain American family activities. My dad never took me fishing, camping, or anything "fatherly". I think that was one of the things I really disliked about him. Growing up, I always favored my mom more. Now that I'm in college, I talk to my dad a lot more when I go back home, including cars, sports, politics, etc. Going home, I'm spoiled with food. My mom is always thinking I'm going to starve to death. Everytime I come back up to Austin, she makes me bring a whole bunch of food. My grandparents(dad's side) also lives very close to me in Houston. My grandparents came to the USA a couple of years before us, which is how we were able to. I remember growing up and laying awake at night, my biggest fear in the world was that I'd lose my grandpa (to old age). It's still my biggest fear because he is been an avid smoker since almost forever. We've tried to tell him to quit and he knows its bad for him, but he just won't. He says he has nothing better to do during the daytime, and to let him enjoy it. He is even said something close to "I've already experienced everything in life. My family is doing good. I have nothing else to live for" Now, don't take this to be a suicidal comment for anything, he was saying it as if it were wise words. On my part, its hard to argue with him. He is my grandpa and I can't really tell him to just stop what he likes so much. Personally, I have a very big problem with talking to people. This problem has been solved a bit ever since coming to college. Since there are so many people around, it's hard to not get use to it. When I'm around people, I'm always worried that what I say will make them think negatively of me. That's why I'll usually always rethink what I want to say in my mind before I actually say it. Funny thing is, my chinese name translated to english is "brave speaker". I know I have a problem with caring too much what others think of me but I just can't help it. Growing up I didn't have that many friends, so I thought to myself a lot and that's still true. Around strangers, I'm really quiet. Only around friends am I a bit more active. And my 20 minutes are up. This was pretty useful. Glad I could type out what I was thinking. Now I got to go get caught up on reading those boring chapters from the psychology book. The lectures are much more interesting.
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Well, first I'm thinking about what to write about because this is probably the weirdest writing assignment I have ever been given. I'd like to write about my boyfriend, whom I'm very in love with, but I really do not think that that would be appropriate for this writing assignment. My roommate just left to go to her pledge party, and I really wish I was hanging out with her rather than doing this assignment about a week and half before it is due, but I guess it is better to do it now than to wait till last minute. Which is what I am going to try to do in all my classes, not wait until last minute to do all the stuff that I have to do! I think that if I can just do that then I will be able to keep with all of my work and get grades in my classes that I will approve. I also need to get into the college of communications so therefore I HAVE to keep my grades up. I really can't wait to become a speech pathologist, I'm very excited about that. Also, God willing I really do think it would be awesome to go to the University of Iowa for their graduate program in speech pathology. They have the best in the nation, and plus ryan goes there. and if I'm going to marry him then being in the same place as him would be a huge plus! Ok, dee you are completely wondering around here and I'm sure whoever reads this is going think that I am a weirdo, but I really don't have much else to talk about. Hmmm. I am excited about going home this weekend and seeing not only my parents and brother but the rest of my entire family! I think we will have a lot of fun and I'm excited that I get to leave tomorrow to go home and don't have to wait until friday. I'm having loss of words at the moment. And someone just imed me. uhh oh, have to tell him to hold on! Ok I did. lets get back on track here. I'M curious as to who gets to read these because I bet that would be a lot of fun. I'm sure that there are LOTS of different things said on each persons assignment. Gosh only 8 minutes of typing! Is this ever going to end! (hey I'm being honesty here!) I bet other people are making this a lot more amusing than I am, but I really am typing my thoughts and feelings. Actually I'm typing the first thing that pops into my head, which is probably why this is making NO sense at all. I think that sitting here and typing out what I'm thinking is distracting me from thinking about what I would really be thinking about, because I'm trying to find something to think about that I can type about. Wow that was a confusing sentence. I'm surprised at how much fun I'm having here. I honestly thought that I would become homesick and miss everything back home and I also thought I would miss ryan a lot more than I am. I mean I do miss him, yes! But there is just so many new things here and everything is so different than usual that my mind is constantly busy thinking about other things. Not complaining because I'm glad I'm not sitting around moping about him, I need to enjoy life, especially college life! I really can't wait to live in a condo next year and get out of this dorm full of nothing but girls. The girls are nice but being around too many girls all the time can really get to you, but I'm sure if I was a guy I probably would not mind. Sitting here wondering what I'm going to type next. I'm not supposed to be planning anything out, which I'm not, but sometimes I just don't think about anything. I don't always have to have something on my mind do I? Much less a feeling". feelings are sometimes so over-rated. Simply type continuously, tracking your thoughts and feelings for the entire 20 minutes. Well I just re-read the instructions and it said to type my thoughts and thinking about what the instructions say is a thought, so I had to type it. Ok 5 more minutes to go, I'm almost there! Gee I didn't realize how often I just don't think about stuff, but I usually do think a lot about different things, I guess just not now. I consider myself to be a pretty deep thinker, and have more mature thoughts than other people that I know. Take for instance the girls yelling outside my dorm "yeah theta!". very loud, annoying, and obnoxious. Yes these are the people I am living with, sweet girls but nothing like me. I don't get into all the sorority stuff. Times running out. whoo hoo! Now I can get back to talking to the guy who imed me earlier during the middle of this wonderful assignment. which is, I must say the easiest graded assignment I have ever done! So I think all the rest of the writing assignments should be like this. Good idea huh? Now I can think about is how I want this to end. I have about a minute to go. So I will take this minute to say hello to whomever is reading this and I hope that you had fun reading my thoughts and "feelings" for 20 minutes of my life. Sorry if I bored you, which I probably did. but its ok, I'm really not a boring person! Well have a good day and goodbye!
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Well, I am almost ready to leave tomorrow back to my house in fort worth, although I would like it to be better to go back because since I have to work tomorrow, that makes it kind of boring and I cannot stop thinking about work instead of enjoy my time over there. Every time I go I always expect to spend some time with my girlfriend, that actually never really happens, I don't really know how I feel about it because sometimes I feel frustrated that I cannot do anything about it but then I analyze the circumstances and then everything gets better in my head. The fist thing I have to do before I leave is get all my homework done, including this assignment that I didn't want to leave for tomorrow because then it would keep me awake all night just like all my homework does. Since the first day that I slept in this dorm, it seems that the bed is not for me or something, I cannot fall asleep, and if I do, I wake up every 20 min and look at my clock to see if it's time to go to class. I remember I used to love school when I was in high school last year, everything was so cool, nothing was going so bad to call it bad, grades, girlfriend, family MONEY, but now some times I feel so ready to just drop out and get all this stuff over with, I cannot handle so much stress, never had so much actually. anyways, the only thing that keeps me up is my own will because I know I'm not a failer. Hard times are only tests that will lead me to a high hill and then the way down will feel really good!. The biggest problem that I have and that I think already gave me a pain in my neck, well that's because I cannot sleep and keep on moving at nights so I think that my neck pain is indirectly related to my economic problems. I have to pay my whole semester rent next monday, that's one of the reasons I'm going home tomorrow, to get a juicy check that will just fly away from my hands. I only I was living in my house and going to a college near, I would be able to keep all that money and use it to get rid of my debt and actually be able to buy a gift for my girlfriend. I have bunches of pictures of her all around my room. I also have pictures of my mother and little sister. she is 6 and I miss her. I hope tonight I can fall asleep easy so I won't be tired during my 2 hour drive. everytime I drive tired I get nervous and think that I may fall asleep and all these thoughts come to my mind that I'm going to crash a big truck and never make it home. I know that the odds are really small and then I get better once I start listening to this exact same music I'm listening to right now. its a band called mana, is from mexico and they play really good kidda alternative music but is really meaningful and then they talk about world peace and they help children with massive foundations, with no doubt my favorite band. they are coming to dallas next october, I can't wait till then to go to the concert, I went to one last november and I still remember almost every second of it, this time I'm thinking on taking my girlfriend to make the concert even better. I just hope that I will have money to but the tickets then, cause now I don't. jeje, A few hours ago I was doing my physics homework, it's just really hard, when I was in high school I was the best kid on physics and now I just feel really bad when I don't understand!, never happened before, I don't know if is because I cannot concentrate or because it's just really hard or because I'm loosing my intelligence, I think of that all the time, I have this scholarship that is helping me a lot with my finances but if my gpa goes down 3. 0 , they will take it away and then I will really be in deep trouble. I just saw a picture or one of the pictures I have of my girlfriend in my room and that reminded me that I have to ask her if her dad said yes! finally. we have been going out for almost a year and she just turned 18 last saturday, I was a really nice night, the problem is that her father doesn't know about us yet, we are afraid we might not like our relationship and then all would fall down. I feel guilty for making her disobey her dads rules but we love each other and finally I would be the happiest guy ever if I can make it trough this semester maintaining a good gpa and if my girlfriends dad agrees on our relationship. When I think of these, it feels like everything is worth it to wait and suffer and not sleep and study like crazy, so that's what I'm going to do
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how to begin, I have started writing my stream of consciousness paper and now I'm trying to think its hard to think when your are asked to think about thought or your own thought why I feel this is a strange assignment o well I don't smell much right now but I hear the tv which I fixed last night I did a pretty good job even though I still have an extra screw left I'm watching scooby doo its very funny to watch now the commercials are on which I hate its 3 11 tonight I'm going out to eat and to the book store with my friends and maybe to an art museum I'm glad I get to get off campus the football game and weekend start tomorrow I'm excited to see the texas arkansas game as the season progresses the competition will become harder the band is a neat experience I have always liked marching and now I get to do it for a very widely known organization its a lot of fun I have only been typing for 3 minutes this is going to be a long 20 minutes there is nothing I can do to make it go by quicker even if I type slower, no I'm trying to find something else to think about, so I am disrupting my stream which is ironic that I have not really because I'm on a new one and recording it right now which is even more ironic and it will never end . until now. so her ei am looking for my new stream and hoping this assignment will be over soon so I can start my weekend and maybe get some food I'm very hungry now I have not eaten all day and I'm hungry now I need to get some food, maybe ill get some chick fil a or taco cabana or some kind of fast food most likely seems like that and cafeteria food is all I eat lately its not a very good realization drew just walked in the door he is my roommate he just asked how I watch scooby doo its so mundane" he uses vocabulary to impress people and I just wrote it in my paper to impress people. very ironic as well john ridder died today he is the star on threes company and 8 simple rules and he died on set suddenly its a weird thing I would like to live a long life and maybe die suddenly tho and not have to know I'm dying although I'm not afraid to die I feel I have a place to go though, my afterlife is set many people here don't believe in God and I don't know why it seems to me to be the only answer we have not even figured out the human brain and we dare to declare that there is no being beyond our comprehension we can be a very proud society for a people that can't stop murdering and slaughtering each other anyways I have been trying to help people understand that Christ came to give love and to break us away from sin not to tell us how to live I guess that makes me intolerant many people here feel that me showing what I believe is imposing my culture on them which I guess could be true but I'm not trying to break them from their traditions I'm just trying to . my roommate just started talking, "arafat refuses to leave, and the USA is blatantly pro-israel. "no, if the us was blatantly pro-israel world war three begins. I stopped following the conversation with california governors my roommates friend is here now and they are arguing politics, current affairs, the such, . scooby doo caught the bad guy, I'm satisfied now, man my fingers hurt and this writing is getting very tiring I wish I could be done now but I have to keep writing they are talking about proposition 12 now bla bla its very hard to concentrate on two things at once but I guess that is what college is about my physics homework is next to me I'm very glad I am understanding most of it I was proud of myself today because I finished most of my hw which is due next monday we have an exam in two weeks and I think I will do very well I also have an exam in this class and I'm very not prepared hopefully I can sit down and read through the text we will have to have read thus far and begin to see what this class will teach me I also remember that I have to do some experiment hours for this class hopefully I will have some free time in the weekend ahead to do some of them I am beginning to smell food man I am so hungry I'm not thinking about much now because I am so focused on how hungry I am and what I would like to eat yet I'm thinking about thinking about what I want to eat and so forth. this assignment is very weird because you can't have people record what they think because now they are thinking about it so its in a way rigged and it will always be there is now way like this to have people understand how they think because whenever they think about it the point is gone, the twilight zone is on now I love that show me and drew are collecting the videos of them we have 12 episodes now and they are all classic ones the shows are not only always very ironic but they have social issues of the time in them which is very good, I like them, I have seen a lot of movies lately maybe because that is the easiest way to divert myself, its weird how humans always need diversion and now when I can't even write my thoughts I have to divert myself by talking about diversion man I can't wait to see what heaven has to offer, soon enough, only 20 seconds left now I can't wait till heaven its almost here three two one z
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Well here I am doing my first assignment for college. I really like it so far. I had some problems with my course schedule at first but it all seemed to fall into place. My life is like that though everything seems to just work. I don't know if I am the only person that feels like this (I doubt it) but I feel like I will accomplish something big in my life or at least be happy with my life but I don't have a clue what it is that I will be doing. My dad seems to get pissed whenever I tell him that I don't know what I want to do with my life but other adults think that it is a good thing. I think that it is because they don't fund my bill. My dorm room is freezing I am going home this weekend to get some sweats and such. My girlfriend is in town to get her stitches looked at (she had surgery) I hope she is ok. We have been going out for awhile now and I think I love her. I know that I am 19 and don't know what love is but it just feels so right. She is in her last year of college at SFA now so I will only get to see her once a month or so. Everyone says to break-up but it is only one year then she (hopefully) will come to UT. I don't understand the idea that breaking up is a good plan. I mean maybe if I was one of those people that just love to be in love I would but it isn't that I miss the physical part (though I do) I miss her someone else won't replace that I want her not a body. Now to bore you out of your minds, I am very interested in nutrition/bodybuilding. I played football for 4 years and weighed in at a fat laden 290 lbs. my sophomore year of high school but hey that is ok you play football. well I quit due to many factors and guess what it isn't ok to just be fat. I have worked my butt off literally. I now am 200 lbs and have gained strength. I estimate myself at 13% body fat but I want to do better and I know that I can. I spend a lot of time researching various aspects of training and diets. I think it may be dominating my life. But it isn't a hobby it is a lifestyle. But really who else eats every 2 hours? And for that matter what the heck do they eat on campus I have these cursed dine-in dollars but I can only eat about 3 things here everything is terrible for you! I am not exaggerating ok maybe I can eat 5 things but come on! Why do we not have fat-free cottage cheese? lean beef? real grilled chicken not the baby pieces I am paying for now. Why is it always free pizza at 11 at night complex carb+late night=fat why no free tuna, or free vegetables? why is Gregory closed from 8-12:05?! So what if I am not in the friggin weight class I know how to lift better than they do let me in! I worked in a weight room for 2 years you think I can't be courteous and rack my weights or get out of others way let them work-in etc? come on want to fight the freshmen 15? get better food! we were ranked last in dorm food LAST Texas should never be last in anything except for people you wan to fight. this is outrageous. OK Now that I have ranted and let that out I want to know if there is anything I can do about it. NO there isn't how many students would eat fat-free cottage cheese? or tuna straight from the can? not enough to get the food people to bring it in. Oh well survive this year and move off campus next year with my girlfriend and eat right and be happy! something just buzzed in my room. my hands are numb spend the a/c $ on some real food!
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Crap, I was half way through this assignment and my computer just cut out or something. I really hope it didn't already submit because I don't want to screw up my credit for this paper. Great, now I'm completely paranoid that I've managed to screw up something so simple. I'll keep my fingers crossed. I need all the help I can get to do well in this class. Actually, I haven't worried about my grades in a long time. When tests start, I'll panic. It's really hard to focus in my morning classes during lectures. I never get enough rest. My schedule's all out of order. I can't fall asleep until around two or three and then have to wake up at seven. I'm tired all day long. I hear my TV and want to go watch it. I always put stuff off and watch too much television. I have a problem with procrastinating. I never used to be this bad. I'm scared that since I can't get on a study plan, I'll fail. I hate it when I over use a word when I'm writing. I feel like I haven't written enough, but does length matter? My birthday is next week, which somewhat depresses me. I'm not close to any of my friends, and I'm scared they're going to forget about me. I feel like the only loser out of my friends who's not having this great college experience. It's not that I'm homesick, just kind of restless and bored. I haven't met that many people and frankly, feel like an outcast. My head hurts, but I have no tylenol. I hate swallowing pills. I used to break them up and put them in yogurt. I'm such a wuss. My roommate went home for the afternoon. I'm glad she is gone. She can be a little much with the extreme cleanliness. I went out of town one weekend, and she made my bed. I don't really want her invading my space and touching my things.
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Stream of Consciousness? How do you start something so vague. I keep a journal which I write in occasionally, but I can not remember the last time an assignment consisted solely of write your thoughts. " I'd be willing to bet that the beginning of most of these streams is a self consciousness, because that is definitely what I am feeling right now. It's late Monday night and I am taking this time to break up the reading that I have fallen behind in. While I am technically still studying psychology, it does provide a nice change of pace to the abysmal pages of text. What is the point of this assignment anyway? How could one person possibly gather a conclusion from over 600 students listing off whatever pops into their mind? I guess the biggest amazement for me is how these psychologists are able to gather data from such an unreliable subject. the human mind. There really is no other single entity (besides the female mind) which is so complex and irregular. Humans are an interesting study, which explains why so many students choose to take anthropology, sociology and history. But psychology really is the king of the social sciences, it's all but required for a college student. I couldn't believe how stereotypical I felt when I uttered the phrase "my psych class", it's the single most overheard expression on this campus outside of the greek alphabet. Now that I mentioned the greek societies on our campus, I'd like to delve into that a little. After overhearing a pack of sorority girls outside of Kinsolving today, (they travel in packs) their conversation only bolstered my opinion that Sororities and Fraternities actually limit social interaction. Sure it's great to pile in kids to the parties and attempt to shack up with a sorority chick, but I honestly don't feel compelled to join a fraternity. Free beer and life long friends may be something that is promised upon the rush season, but it seems to me that in exchange the member loses their individuality. Fraternity issues become the mindset of the member, and any excuse to discuss those issues with another person, be they in the same frat or not, is almost always taken advantage of. Yes, some fraternities do some good community work, but it limits people into one train of thought, their loyalty is admirable to the members, but to the outside they seem transparent and single minded. Of course, coming from a freshman non-frat male, that sounds like every other person with an opinion, ready to lay waste to the organizations with his individuality. I really don't oppose the fraternity/sorority concept, because it is a need some people truly need filled. But the sight of another party where 70% of the attendance is male, 20% are lifeless girls not interested in meeting people, and the other 10% are passed out, it makes them all seem the same. I feel that rant about fraternities could pass as given off by anybody, but not only did that illustrate my frustration with constantly hearing about the Kappa party or the Pi Phi foam bash, but helped me vent to something beyond my friends who also are constantly kicked out of those parties. I feel definitely stereotypical again, from discussing my feelings toward psychology to my frustration with frat parties, could I possibly be the more prototypical male? Well, here's the sinker, it's time to discuss sports. I cover them for a newspaper, but honestly I'm just like another fan, but willing to put in the work. Too often the news pages are filled with guys who belong on the radio, it's like their verbal garbage should be filling empty air time instead of priceless page space. Any fan with a computer can put together that the Cowboys are in a rebuilding year, but how many fans would be willing to go to the practices, meet the coaches and do the dirty work of actually uncovering the story. I guess I am frustrated with the lazy column writing which features another talking head giving his 'take' about the latest controversy regarding sports. That's not to say that all of them are garbage, but too many of them I find repetitive and dull, and bringing nothing new to the argument. Covering a sport is different than giving an opinion, and I enjoy covering sports because of its complexity and difficulty of trying to shape a story out of thin air. I love the hunt, and that not only makes me strange, but a pretty good fit for a newspaper writer. Of course, as a college freshman, I really don't have an inkling of an idea on what is my true calling, but I figure the experience couldn't hurt. Much like my decision to take this psychology class, it may seem stereotypical, but the experience and exposure to a new understanding of the human brain could not hurt my chances on a better understanding of myself and others. My time is up, I am sorry to whoever is reading this, it must seem very much like the others I'm sure, but I look forward to this class and I thank you for this very interesting assignment.
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So here goes. I am really starting to stress out about all this college stuff. It seems like my to-do list just keeps getting longer and the time I have to complete everything just keeps shrinking. I hope and pray that as time goes by I will learn to better deal with all the pressures associated with college life. It has been so hard to find a way to balance the fun with the work. But as my brother once told me, you must work hard in order to play hard. I'm trying to keep that thought in my head constantly, and keep thinking positive about my situation. I'm hoping that I can pull it off and walk away from this first semester satisfied with my accomplishments and confident about my college semesters to come. Well enough about that. I'm really starting to miss my family a lot. I think that is really lame but I can't help it really. Like I love Austin and school and everything but there is just something about my good ole hometown of Sunnyvale, Texas that I miss incredibly. I went home last weekend and had a blast reuniting with all my old friends. Gosh I love my friends here but its just not the same. There is just something about the familiar that keeps me constantly wanting to latch on to it and never leave. But I know that that is impossible for someone like me who constantly strives to better myself and achieve my goals. And UT is the place to do it. I love this place! The people sometimes freak me out but its nice to be exposed to strange people for a change. I am so excited about this weekend! One of my best friends from back home is coming to visit and I keep thinking about what we are going to do all weekend! Gosh you know what. I'm really starting to worry about the whole freshman 15" theory! Because I sure do eat a lot these days. The food is just constantly in front of you so its difficult to resist! Its not like at home where you have to make yourself something because your mom refuses to wait on you. No here the food is just there and all you have to do is go to it! Its great! Its amazing to me how different college life is from high school. Like in high school everyone cared about everyone else's business and there were like cliques and stuff but not here. No one cares about anyone else's business at all. people are just concerned with themselves. And another thing that is so great is the total absence of rules! Like you can do whatever the heck you want and NO ONE will tell you that you are wrong or that you can't do something. Oh it really makes me laugh how in college classes if you suddenly get the desire to get up and walk out of class while the professor is talking, you can! I laugh every time I see people doing that in my classes. I would never be able to make myself do that because I'm too much of a chicken but I think its so funny! Gosh. I'm really starting to get hungry again. that is so bad! NO! I can't eat again! I am really not looking forward to going to class again at 7pm. that is really late and I'm extremely tired! I really hope that I can find a date to Anchors Away. that is really bugging me. I wish I knew exactly who I wanted to take and who wanted to go so that I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore! Alright well the time on this thing is officially almost over so I'm going to stop babbling about stuff that no one is interested in except for me. haha! This was good. its kind of a way to let your problems go all at once. I actually feel better to get all this out and see my thoughts on paper. Not to mention that I feel better knowing that this writing assignment is out of my hair so that is one less thing I have to worry and stress out about. Well that is all I have to say for myself at this point and time! Peace!
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Sorry for any grammar mistakes in this timed writing. There's a bit of pressure writing every thought you have within 20 minutes and try and make it completely coherent. The music in the back ground plays that of falling falling falling. Then hits a note as if the journey of which it began will continue. Adversaries in between as if rapids in the path. The sun glares in as it goes lower in the sky. Now at this hour of the day is when my apartment is the warmest. The light carries in like the rays dance and shuffle past the leaves of the tree outside. I watch my friends sit next to me. One is a zombie slasher with a chain saw for an arm, the other sits and types quietly. The music is quieter now with bell like rings in it. The bass has a slow but progressive sound to it. The guitar sings about as the music moves on. Over the middle window, the one with the blinds shut, we keep the blue mask. It has sharp looking teeth which are yellow. The teeth match the horns. I'm now half past the time of when I started. Some pauses have been taken in between sentences or paragraphs. Sorry for the time of which I slacked. I loosing ideas of what to write now. I have little more to to tell of my surroundings more. The music is now more of a popping sounds. It also mud like sounding guitar now. My phone is ringing now but I got my friend to pick it up. I will call them back. This is now the end.
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My roommate just had a sandwich from subway, and the smell is killing me. It's one of my favorite things to eat. He gets somewhat annoying, though. Right now he is playing a video game, and he is got the volume turned way up. I don't mind so much; it's just hard to get my thoughts straight. I hate the way milk leaves a sour taste in your mouth. I always end up having to chew some gum or brush my teeth again, but it is so good. Everything I am saying sounds really stupid. I guess that's how the mind works though. I've never actually had to plot out my exact thoughts. Most of them just kind of run through my head, with the important ones being the only truly pondered thoughts. He (my roommate) keeps talking to his game. It's getting old. The game is cool though; a bit violent but very addictive. It even gets a little scary at night some of the time. Nights are so weird here. It always feels a lot later than it is, or not late enough. I always end up forgetting to call home and my girlfriend because by the time I remember it's too late to be calling the east coast. I don't know where my relationship with her is going. We've been dating for almost four years. Maybe I should tell my roommate that the talking gets annoying. Would that offend him though? I don't know. I don't know about a lot of things. And I just realized that I just used the word don't know. " The internet lingo is getting out of hand. I used to be online almost all day long. He is still talking. At least I can look forward to the game this weekend. For once I won't mind the noise. It's kind of exciting. My first Texas game. I am so bored. I really need to meet people. Being from out-of-state definitely has its downside. Everyone seems to know everybody here and that doesn't help me very much. It seems a little awkward to walk up to someone and introduce myself, but that's what I have to do or I'll be spending a lot of time in my dorm room. That, my friend, was a run off sentence, but I'm much too lazy to correct it right now. Stayed up too late last night because I don't have any classes today. I should really finish my homework after this, but I am way too lazy for that. There it goes. My roommate made me lose where I was going with that last thought. I'm kind of thirsty right now, I should get a bottle of water. The Austin water is gross. I'm definitely not feeling the fact that there are no agents in the water to clean it. We've been buying water left and right. We should really get a Brita filter. This game really is addicting. I just lost all train of thought watching it for a matter of 30 seconds. I don't think that it's a good thing to do that. This whole writing is filled with vague pronoun references. My 11th grade english (is that supposed to be capitalized) would murder me if she knew I was writing like this, but I suppose it is okay as long as I don't get into the habit of writing this way. I am really slack. I'm only taking 13 hours this semester and I still don't do any homework. At least I am doing okay on my graded assignments. Oh well. This is college life and for once I'm not going to have my mom around to push me to study and do my work. The timer seems like it is moving a lot slower now than before. Just like when I'm running; it always takes so much longer for 20 minutes to pass when I'm on one the treadmill. Very dull, indeed.
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Today I went to class at 8AM. I didn't want to get up at all. Even though I slept by 11PM, it was really hard to wake up this morning. I do not look forward towards Tuesdays and Thursdays. My first class today at 8AM was all the way across campus and it made the walk there more dreadful. Also, when I got up there I didn't learn a bit. You know how in Charlie Brown the teacher talks like wah wah wahhh wah wah. ", the teacher's aid voice just seemed to trail away. As the class neared the end, I left early so that I could go home and catch a couple of z's before my next class which was at 11AM. Soon as I got home, I just fell asleep almost instantaneously. For some odd reason, I had a dream of home. Maybe I do miss it more than I think. By 10:30AM, I woke up to get myself prepared for the next class. I left late and arrived to class late, leaving me to sitting on the floor next to the door. Taking notes is such a pain in the ass, when trying to use your legs as a desk. I just sat there thinking about the repetitive information. Then soon after the 2nd or 3rd example, I blanked out and started to think about what I should do when I get home (back to my dorm) and that I needed to study for a quiz the next class. After the very monotonous class was over, I head towards my dorm room to eat some lunch with my roommate. I think he is feeling the same way as I do, tired, hungry, nostalgic, and lethargic. After lunch, I got prepared for my quiz. I ended up studying for 10 minutes at most. I should have studied more but I wasn't up to it. After studying a little, I watched the news and then headed for a class. I also went to that class a little late. For some reason, today has just been an "off" day. I think I did rather well on that quiz and the information didn't seem like it was "out of this world. " I guess the best way to track my feelings/ thoughts for this 20 minutes is the way I felt and thought about my day. I feel like this day was pointless in some way and that I should have done something productive. It seems like I always feel like that. The only thing I've achieved today was canceling my friend's plane ticket from Northwest Arkansas to Austin. She was coming to watch the old rivals play. I cancelled the airplane ticket because she found a cheaper mode of transportation. Other than that I set up my new computer and caught up with the news in Iraq and in California and also the hurricane in the Atlantic Ocean. I think I need to be motivated more. Someone to tell me that I need to go do something or someone to go do something with. I guess it's because I am feeling nostalgia. Back at home, I usually had someone to go do something with me or ask me to do something or whatever. But in this new setting and the freedom, I haven't done too much. Maybe I am doing more than the usual because I've finished most of my homework and chores this weekend and I'm just thinking that I need to do more. I guess it'll take me a while to get use to the college life.
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ben stiller and his movies crack me up I wish I was up stairs watching it right now and not writing for 20 minutes on what is on my mind but maybe this way I will tap into my subconscious or something my girlfriend is not answering her phone but she always does I wonder what she is doing. I'm happy that I'm going to dallas to see her but last night she was making me mad by hanging around other guys and at all these parties. I like ut but I think I would have a much better time at smu with her, not only would I be with her a lot more but I like the school better and its not so overwhelming and is a lot smaller. I feel bad for lying to her the other night about having our neighbors, some girls over, but whatever I mean she goes over to guys apts to hang out and I mean since I'm the dominant male figure I guess that inviting girls over means that you like them or something. whatever it just does not register right, I mean like its cool for her to go to a guys apt, but its not for me to have chicks over, like that is not fair and Its not like I like any of these girls its just that I want to be social and have girls as friends just as much as she does. you know its weird that I have these feelings but I almost feel like I could spend the rest of my life with her. she is fun witty sexy as hell blonde rich great person in her heart and I think everything that a guy would want, although she has great things about her there is also some downsides. like in party situations I always find her wondering off and talking to her friends and when I come up to her she acts almost as if she does not know me. is she ashamed? I don't think so but it could seem that way to others. but maybe its because I do it to, I mean when I'm at a party I like to be with my friends to so I guess were both guilty. damn that movie meet the parents is funny and I want to go watch it badly and I have only typed for 10 min, o well halfway done. so its like the glass is half full not half empty because I am a positive, optimist. I like the new book jarrett gave me. sometimes I'm just real un positve about things and a book on being positive can help me out in life and with school. this interview or presentation I went to last night for this sales company was pretty cool I think I could potentially make some money doing it but as I sat there and listened to this over-energetic guy talk about oh yea you can make all this money and blah blah blah I thought to myself this is just one of those get rich quick schemes because at the end of this thing you pay 50 for a application and some of there products, what company just lets you sit through a presentation and BAM you got the job. jarrest going to do it so I think since he has been successful in his endeavors with business and sales I think hey why not give it a try what is the worst that can happen. Bud sounds good right now although I have not smoked in a while I wonder why, I guess its cause I act different when I'm stoned and maybe I don't like it, I like to get high after I workout cause for some reason it feels good and makes me feel as if I'm not just a lazy pothead, is pennebaker going to care that I'm talking about this? o well that is what is on my mind so take it or leave it jk. yea I'm almost done with this , I thought this was going to be a formal paper with research and stuff but what a badass assignment, I think I'm going to like this teacher unlike my eco teacher Wolitz I can't stand her ugly face and bad teaching I just don't like her you know just one of those ppl. I bombed her test today to because she is boring and does not make the class want to learn anything.
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As I'm sitting here at my computer I'm thinking about how bad I started off this semester. I know that I should have handled my financial aid situation a lot earlier. Plus not to mention a class of mine got cancelled which threw off my whole my whole schedule. Causing not only a first week of overcrowded bookstores and no parking, but also one of unnecessary involvement in the mass confusion of adding and dropping courses. I'm also thinking how tired I am from staying up all night studying. In the back of my mind I'm hoping to get this work study job so that I can be independent and have money but something keeps telling me it may be too much for me to work and try to stay focused on school, considering how I took 12 hours and worked this summer. I keep smelling my cologne (CK1) that I accidentally poured on my clothes this mourning. A lot more came out then I expected and it has a distinct and very strong smell that overlaps anything else. Had I not been so tired maybe I would have realized that I only needed a couple of drops. Not to mention everywhere I have went today people either say, someone put on to much cologne, or , you smell good. I 'm looking at this clock above the page trying to pace my thoughts and time. I'm also looking at the clock in my room trying to set a schedule for my self that will allow me to do all assignments and class work in a good timely manner. My brain feels cluttered with many thoughts of how much work I need to do. I'm homesick already. I miss my family and I have only been here a couple of weeks. I didn't expect this my sophomore year. I thought it only happened to freshmen. I feel really hungry too. I haven't ate all day unless you call a frappachino from starbucks as a energizer a meal. I feel pain in my knee from over playing yesterday at Gregory. I'm hoping to get a chance to play on the the basketball team. But with my luck they won't have tryouts for the second year in a row. I wonder how all my high school buddies are doing in there schools and colleges. I wonder if they found the transition from high school to college as hard as I did. Probably not because they all play sports. I think if you play sports it makes you work harder because you know if you don't you won't play. I think a lot of people have a misconception of college athletes. they think they have it easy and that they get free grades. They don't. They have a job. there coaches expect them to be robots that never get tired. While fighting through the daily soreness and injuries, they have to try to get school work done. I think that is tough. I have sympathy for them. I hope that I can get everything done today that needs to be done and also I plan on changing my shirt before this CK1 gives me a headache. I probably will never wear CK1 again. I hope all my friends and family are doing well. I plan to get some good sleep tonight also, of course after all my work is done. time is running out so bye.
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I am so hungry. I Can't wait until lunch in 40 minutes. I'm going with my twin sister and our new friend Kristin. she is my sorority sister. I love being in a sorority. I'm kinda nervous though, I hope I make a lot of friends. I hate this song that is playing, its so annoying. I really want to change the station. I can't wait, I want some pretzel and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and some fruit, definitely a banana. I'm worried that the peanut butter is going to make me fat. I'm not used to the food here, even thought I don't really look fat, I feel a little fatter, but I'm not eating bad junk food, just normal food, but its not like the food from home. plus I'm not getting as much exercise here, its just so hard to fit everything in, and I'm not in a schedule yet, I hate that. but I really want to be more easy going. school I scaring me right now, I'm worried because we have not had any tests yet so I don't really know what any of them are going to be like, so I don't know how I will do, and I'm not at all used to doing bad, I always get high a's and I don't know if that will happen here. I hope a good song comes on now that one finally ended! so anyways I'm really really freaked out because my hair is falling out. like I sit here and . wait I love this song! I want to turn it up. anyways I think its because of all the stress I'm under. this happened to me earlier this summer and then I winced I finally relaxed it stopped, but its like a chain reaction because I get stressed and worried so my hair falls out and then once I see my hair falling out I get even more stressed and worried because it always looks so bad in a pony tail and when its down it just never looks good any more and it makes me feel ugly so that stress me out more and I continue to worry and it just does not stop. last week was really hard but this week I think I'm more used to everything so hopefully I will stop stressing so much because its not really doing me any good, I just want to have so much fun at college and I totally am. I really like all the friends I have made so far. I have a really fun group of girls in my dorm we call ourselves kin's klan lol. we all live at kinsolving, I m so happy that we are friends and that we have so much fun together. I can't wait to start making some good guy friends. it sucks because they are always so drunk whenever I meet them so they never remember my name even though we've met like 20 times but that happens to everyone. I'm not really hungry anymore but I just want to go to lunch and see my friends. o crap I have to go to stupid calculus after that and I really don't want to go and watch my t/a get chalk dust all over himself he is such a mess and I can't understand him at all I hope I am able to figure out the last five problems today so that I don't have to do it anymore and I can just submit the answers and get one thing done. o yah I have to ask eklly about chemistry I hope she remembers how to convert celcius to ferenhright and how to calculate water displacement because I definitely don't remember. ooo my fingers are tired. but I like typing lol. I'm really enjoying reading all this psychology stuff its fun but at the same time I'm totally self diagnosing myself. I'm like oo my neurotransmitters are so messed up and I need drugs for these and I need drugs for these I think its kinda funny at the same time. I can't wait until our mixer tomorrow night with sae it is going to be awesome. and then the match on friedya I really want to dress up whitetrash but that will be weird wehn we go to ato which we willdef do because I'm a totally ato groupie and I'm still dressed in my white trash outfit. the music is out how annoying it must not have good reception. I never listen to music here anymore and I barely watch tv I kinda like that there is just too much other stuff to do and if there is time to relax then there is time to do homework which I always haved or time to hang out wiht kins klan or time to sleep. I really need more sleep I just took a 20minute nap in between my two last classes it was great I love feeling so refreshed I felt like I slept for hours. why can't I feel that good in the morning? ewww that morning that makes me think of the disgusting yogurt they had in the cafeteria, first it was not mixed. like I could see gross water in it so I mixed it and then it was plain,. who serves plain yogurt. op I'm hungry again. and know I have to go to the bathroom. I hope I get used to community bath soon because its so weird like just uncomfortable I don't want to listen to other girls going to the restroom lol. o well I'm sure ill get over it its only the 3rd week but it feels like I have been here forever I love it so much freedom and I can do anything I want it will be so weird going home next summer. next summer we already have to be renting apartments for next year its way to early I have only lived here for 3 weeks I hope I get good roommates and live in a fun complex like either the new new villas or the new boardwalk that would be crazy fun,, maybe a little too much fun lol I hope I'd be able to get my work done o well I can't wait to have so much fun. I really think I would be nice to meet a cute /nice guy here. ugh I'm tired of typing but enjoying this stream of consciousness thing its a good way to think umm I need to call my mom and tell her she owes me some money! yah but not really I had to go pay for a text book myself so I need to get paid back for that I feel like all I do here is spend money I just want everything I see thank goodness for bevo bucks and dine in dollars speaking of bevo I also most got a tattoo of a longhorn on my butt last week but now that I have had time to think about it I'm not so sure but I think It would be totally awesome if I did it
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The start of this semester has been again full of stress and anxiety. I wake up everyday depressed and knowing that the day will only bring about more problems. It is a bit pessimistic of me but this is what I am used to. For instance, right now I can feel my head throbbing because of my headache. The only reason I have it in the first place is because of school. The hardships of being a pre-med student have already taken a toll on me and sometimes I think I'm not strong enough to continue. The only think that keeps me going is the thought of one day making my parents proud. Yet, this means that I have to do extremely well in all of my classes and for the past year I have done far from that. I constantly worry about my GPA and not getting into medical school and it gets to a point where I tune out everything else. I'm even thinking about my chances at medical school right now typing this diary". This is the sad truth about me and I try to cope with it. I remember in the summer I had lost all care of school and GPA and I was finally happy and in a world of peace. I had thought that my return back to school would be much for more exciting because I had stopped worrying about this whole pre-med issue. Sadly, I'm here again thinking about it non-stop. Its almost like I go to school to impress my family rather than trying to have a fun filled 4 years. Why is it so difficult to become a doctor if you know that its what you want to do? Why do I have to compete with my peers for the few spots open in medical schools? Sometimes these questions drive me nuts. I try my best to distract myself from it. Like right now I'm listening to the rain hit my window. The sound of it crashing my window is so soothing and peaceful and I wish I was just outside splashing around. My life has turned into this academic challenge and I hardly have time for myself and my needs. I guess that's why I join organizations. Then again, they make matters only worse when they share with me how wonderful their GPAs are. I would do freshmen year all over again in a heartbeat if someone ever gave me the chance. I regret the recklessness I showed toward my work, thinking it was all going to be a piece of cake like high school. Maybe that is why I make my brother study so much. I never want him to make the mistakes I made yet am I ruining his own social life by doing this? I believe I don't. I think that in the end he will be thankful because he won't have to worry about taking 17 hours very semester just to raise his GPA so that schools will think of him as "competitive". I wish sometimes I had had a guide. My roommate from last year was a business major and all he did was read a textbook for 10 minutes and then watch TV and I would undoubtedly get dragged in. It makes me so angry to think that I was so immature and nonchalant. On a side note, I've never ranted so much before especially on the computer. It's kinda helping me to take off mental burden that I carry. However, staring at this bright monitor is only increasing my headache. Anyways, I basically just frustrate myself over this whole medical school dilemma. I wish I could just go into the future and not have to worry about this anymore. The day I get the acceptance letter (or rejection letter) will be the happiest day of my life. I'll probably try again the next year but it won't matter to me as much anymore. I don't really know how to explain it but that same anxiety that goes with "first times" won't be there anymore. I've considered many majors and have really thought about doing something else with my life but somehow I'm always dragged back into medicine. Maybe its the challenge that I like even though at times I would gladly give it up. Maybe I worry so much about my future because I really want to see myself become a doctor. This is truly my passion and I'll never give up on it no matter how hard it gets at times. I just hope I'm not the only one going through this hysteria because it would really make me look like a psychopath after this. Even so, something tells me that I'm not alone out there and sometimes that just brightens up my day even if it's for a short while.
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It's kind of weird writing about what I am thinking of right now this moment. there is not clear direction what I want to write about. I hope my english is good enough to make a sense to my TAs. well, I am really hungry right now. Maybe I should ask Bora to go to Chipolet with me and have dinner. I just love that place. I think it is the best fast restaurant in America. Well I did remember seeing the news column with Chipolet is voted as the best Fast Restaurant. " I think it was the Austin local newspaper, because I can not remember the name of the newspaper. By the way I really should start reading the newspaper more. well I wonder if Doctor Griffen is gay or not. He really is funny guy, but today's outfit really was more like cloths that gay people would wear. I really think that he need a exercise. He can loose weight around his stomach. Well I really shouldn't criticizes him with the weight because I know that I really really really and seriously need to loose a lot of weight. I should start swimming again. And bring my old swimming suit from home. I can not believe that I forgot to bring it to school. I really want to go home. I wonder why mom told me not to come home this weekend. I know that I need to find the ride and everything. but This sunday is her birthday and coming up monday is unni's birthday too. I wonder "Don't come home honey. It's too much trouble to you. " means like " Oh yeah come home!" kind of deal. sometimes I don't really understand her. I hope I would not be like that. well this time thing is really going to slower then I thought. I should have ate first. Man I have only dome 13 min. umm now 14min. ha ha. yeah just 6 more minutes. well let's see. I should be worried about the psy class too. Man the class is too long to stay a wake. and chapters are too long. I feel like I'm reading the whole new different language. but It is fun. I wonder how tough his test is. man I really do need to catch on the reading. (I really will go read after chipolet if you are reading this. ^_~) Let's see what else am I thinking right now. I really can not think of it any more. Ahhh man this pop-up ads. why can they just leave me a lone. I mean really nobody reads the whole think. man that must be the John. Boyfriend of my roommate. they are just cute couple.
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hmmm. at 18, my life thus far has been where I want it. The USMC has given me the newfound sense of self one craves after a monotonous high school career. Football, basketball, summer activities, UIL academic meets, clubs, and band, they say, will be the things you cherish for the rest of your life. Memories. They will be the best years of your life say those who never went to college. The next 4 will be your best years of your life. " say those who have. But will they be? The Crucible was more difficult than anything I could ever imagine attempting, but I made it. Lying in a pit covered in barbed wire and mud and feeling the wildest sense of dread, failure, hatred, anger for being awake for 3 days with only 2 MRE's to last the entire ordeal. Feeling that the sun would never set. Being away from my family and everything that I loved for a quarter of a year with no means of contact besides staying up after lights out, sitting on a stone cold toilet in the head because it was the only source of light by which to write. Knowing that you're giving up the sleep, the rest, that will carry you through the next day. Hate towards the others in the platoon for their Goddamn stupidity, hard-headed, fight without listening to reason, their never-ending bitching and trying to hold an edge over everyone else. It's a real life world of shit. Brings to mind that show on MTV called "Oz", haven't seen but advertisements for it. Prisoners talking about "the hard life" of prison. What do they have that I didn't have at MCRD San Diego. Prison vs. Boot Camp. They have TV, books, newspapers, double ply toilet paper, free time, phone calls, a weight room, good food, the right to lay on the rack whenever they wish, the right to sit down, cigarettes, the ability to do whatever the hell they want. What did I have? Not a single one of those things. A month in the desert, worrying that one of North America's pit vipers or coral snakes would find its way into my sleeping bag as I slept on a rocky desert floor, or the guy next to you on the firing line would trip and put a 5. 56mm round into your back, or falling while hiking without light on a steep slope in the middle of a moonless night with 80 pounds of gear and splitting my grape on a rock. Days go by slow when you're having a bad day at the office or in the classroom. Time is suspended when you're so miserable that you would almost rather die than continue through the rest of training It was a different sort of feeling felt in life. Hadn't had if before. but I miss it. I'd never felt so alive. What we take for granted in life: friends, our favorite book, the faithful German Shepherd, a home cooked meal, a grassy lawn, a drive down a country road that reminds you of your childhood. those are given new meaning. The feeling of infinite pride, accomplishment, belonging, knowing that you live your life not for the boss, not for others, not for money, not for possession, and knowing that you cannot be defeated. I felt that during Marine Corps graduation. That is what I will remember and cherish in life. Throwing the "greatest party", making $100 grand a year vs $40, driving an Aston Martin. What does that crap mean if you don't truly own yourself? Like those who fawn over celebrities or drive expensive cars that their ego thrives on but their families at home cannot afford. They will never know the meaning of life. I know that I may never be the investment banker that all college kids know they will be, but I will have a rich life. I will not be the movie star that everyone knows they will be, but I know that I will be loved by those who matter to me. I look forward to the future.
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