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I am in my 30 's , married and have recently , finally , become a mama . I am a smug mama , because I have two wonderful , healthy , happy , and secure children and I feel that this comes from stellar parenting : ) . Join me as I post about my life and the joys of being the mama ! 2010 has been full of wonderful memories and full of loss . I gave birth to my first child in 2010 . I said good - bye to my Grandmother and cousin in 2010 . I think back on the past year with mixed emotions , so much good , so much wonder , so much love , but I have cried a lot in 2010 and worried and lost people I love . As I think forward to 2011 , I am full of hope . There is something amazing about New Years Eve , there is this feeling of promise , like anything is possible . Most years turn out about the same , good and bad , yet we tend to look at each new year as a new beginning ; something exciting ! I want to get healthy in 2011 . I went about 3 years without getting sick before I got pregnant , then it seems like I have been nothing but sick since . I want to boost my immune system , cut that nasty dairy out , and start exercising on a regular basis . That doesn 't seem to hard to follow does it ? I don 't want to start out tomorrow with a plan to workout 5 hours a day , 7 days a week or anything crazy , but I have to do something . When it was nicer out I was walking with the babies , but then it got really cold and I kept getting sick and no more walking . Smug - Sister got a Wii and since I will be there , I think that I should plan on playing something like dance off each day and walking with Smug - Grandma at least once a week . I think that is doable ! The other thing I want to do more of in 2011 is being a nicer person . I want to stop yelling at other drivers for being stupid . I want to stop judging others . I want to stop thinking negatively about others . That is actually a really tall order , to try to control your thoughts , but I 'm going to try : ) What are you thinking about for the new year ? Anything that you want to make happen ? Good - Bye 2010 - thanks for the memories , take care and have a wonderful time joining the past and giving up the title of present ! I am so sick . I am trying to be as whiny about it as possible . I took today off work for two big reasons , first , Smug - Baby was really sick too . Her eyes were gunked shut this morning and she spent the whole night crying and it was after 1am before I got her to bed and then she was up and down all night . That is the second reason I stayed home today , I got no sleep ! Poor baby wanted only mama and daddy just wouldn 't do , so I sent him on to bed about 11 and I stayed up with her . She would cry and want to be picked up and then want to nurse , but I guess that nursing didn 't make her feel that much better , so she would pull off and cry and want to get down . As soon as she was down , she would cry and want back up again . I had no voice and one of the worst sore throats I can ever remember having . My head felt like it was going to explode and my eyes hurt to blink . I kept thinking this time she nursed she was would fall asleep and every time , just as she was fluttering her eyes closed , she would pull off the breast and hop down . When she finally did fall asleep and I took her into bed , Smug - Hub woke and informed me that he wasn 't taking no for an answer , that I was staying home from all my jobs and taking care of myself and the baby and NOTHING else . I agreed and sent e - mails from my phone to let my bosses know that I was going to be out . Smug - Baby and I slept until about 8 : 30 this morning and I called Smug - Grandma to bring me anything and everything she could think that might help . I wanted to have symptom relief as well as immunity building . She also picked up Gramps ' pills and took care of him for the day . I didn 't have to go anywhere or do anything but take care of me and my baby . I probably could have worked once I got up and moving around , but it was more important to stay home and just nurse Smug - Baby all day long and get her feeling better . Smug - Hub thought we should consider something like baby - Tylenol or baby - Motrin to help her feel better . I got online and started doing some research and found that the FDA is not recommending giving anything chemical to children especially any child under the age of 2 because of the huge risk of fatal overdosing . They are stating that any benefits are far outweighed by the risks . Apparently the line between normal dosage and fatal overdose is so small that they don 't feel that the child is helped enough my the medicine to risk it . We decided that breastmilk was Smug - Baby 's best medicine ( did I post on here about her diaper rash ? She had scratched herself so deeply that it got infected and was starting to ooze puss . I thought that perhaps I should take her to the doctor , but it was the Christmas holiday and everything was closed . I decided to put some breastmilk on the rash and did that with every diaper change - the rash was completely gone within 24 hours ! ) so , I just tried to keep her nursing as much as she wanted or would take . We decided not to give her anything else , not even water , because that would take up room in her stomach that would be better filled with milk . It worked , by the time Smug - Hub got home of work today she was at about 75 % . Her eyes were still a little goopy and her nose was running , but both were less than they had been . My head is starting to really hurt again as the sun has gone down and things are always worse at night . I have to go into work tomorrow no matter how badly I feel . My company has this rule that in order to be paid for your holiday you must report to work the day before and the day after the holiday unless you have a pre - approved vacation request . Since Friday is the paid holiday for New Years Day , I have to work Thursday . I guess my company really doesn 't care so much if I infect others : ) I really do feel lMaybe I should be drinking breastmilk too ! ! She is totally bouncing around the house now ! ! She and daddy are rolling around the floor and having so much fun ! The only problem with this , is that he is getting her all worked up and she probably will be up late again tonight - oh well , she is having fun and feeling better so that is all that matters ! Last Christmas , I was huge ! I was uncomfortable , my back hurt , my knees ached , my feet and legs were swollen and I was waiting for my baby to join us for Christmas on this side on my stomach . This year , she was here ! I decided that I wasn 't going to get her anything for Christmas . I knew that her grandmothers , all three of them , would get her stuff and there wasn 't anything that she needed . She has toys and clothes and everything else and then some that a baby could need . Then I threw that silly thought right out the window and proceeded to purchase 5 different toys , 2 outfits , countless tights and socks , plastic spoons and forks , a Disney princess plate , bowl and cup and a Partridge in a Pear Treeeeeee ! ! Christmas morning , I awoke at 5 : 15 , it was dark out still and I was tired , but I knew that Smug - Baby would be awake soon and I wanted to get everything ready . I turned on the Christmas tree and found that Santa had indeed visited ! Her stocking was full and all her gifts were laid out on the coffee table , arranged just so . I put a yule log DVD on the TV and Christmas carols played in the background . Then I climbed back in bed to wait for her to wake up . Then I waited . Then I waited some more . Then I nudged her and waited some more . Finally , I fell back asleep and she woke me at 8 : 30 - Eight - freaking - thirty ! ! I don 't think that she has slept that late in her whole 10 months of life ! ! She giggled at me and patted my face before rolling over and climbing up onto of her daddy and smacking him in the face until he woke up and hugged her . We got out of bed and looked out the window to see about an inch of snow on the ground and falling all around the house . It was White Christmas - which rarely happens here . I got the video camera ready and he walked her down the hall . I think that she picked up on our excitement because she sat down half - way to the living room and asked her daddy to pick her up . He brought her into the living room and they started playing with the various toys and pulling things out of her stocking . Overall , while she seems to like the new toys , she wasn 't overly impressed with the whole affair ! Daddy and I opened our gifts from each other and from family and I made breakfast . We spent the morning laying around , watching " A Christmas Story " , talking and just being together as a family . In the afternoon , we packed up everything ( food , gifts , etc . ) and headed over to my mom 's for the family get together . You see , that lovely snow that was falling that morning , was still falling as we made our way home and we were unable to get up the hill to our house . Dad came with his all - wheel drive and we unloaded everything from our car into his and he got us up the hill and home . We unloaded everything and then bundled the baby inside . She slept through the moving of car seat , food , gifts and everything else . She slept through the slipping and sliding and bumping to get home . She slept through all the unloading and the carrying of her seat into the house and up the stairs . What woke her was sitting her seat down on the floor . She was awake and played until 11 : 30 ! ! I am constantly annoyed by holiday ads . The TV commercials that tell us that we need to purchase several expensive and extravagant items in order to show our loved ones that we love them . Now , as much as I hate that we have it drilled into us that the more expensive the gift , the better , I do get that retailers are trying to sell their crap and are just doing what they can to make it happen . However , today is the day after Christmas and now all the commercials have changed . Now , they are informing us that their store is having great sales so you can " get what you really want " . So , they brainwashed us into purchasing too much at too high a cost and now they are going to insult us for what we purchased ? When did Christmas become so much about the gifts ? I hear it all the time , " I have to get something for this person , because they got something for me " or " I 'm not getting something for that person , because they didn 't get me anything . " There is talk of price limits and who is giving to whom and frankly I think it stinks ! Christmas is supposed to be celebrating the day that a great man was born . Christmas is about family and food and magic and love . Christmas is about giving a gift to someone you love to show them how much they mean to you . Christmas is not about outdoing last year , spending yourself into the ground or about how much you spent over what someone else spent . I hate watching TV and hearing all the retailers tell us that women have to have jewelry and men need a TV or new car and kids need video game systems and cell phones and everything else at the store . Now , on top of all that , they are telling us to do more shopping because , we couldn 't possibly have gotten what we really wanted . I have been feeling a bit stressed as of late . I guess trying to adjust to my new life of working more is hard and taking care of two babies is hard . But I knew it was going to be hard , I knew it would be an adjustment and I know , even when I am really struggling , that it will be great and it 's the right thing to do . However , as the holiday 's approached this year , I wanted to be really excited about it . I wanted to savor every moment and every new experience that Smug - Baby would have . I really wanted to , but I wasn 't . I was stressing over how to pay for everything that I wanted to get for her and all my family . I was stressing over how to get everything purchased with my limited time . I stressed over getting to the grocery store and fighting crowds everywhere . I felt like I was in a bad mood most of the time and I wasn 't enjoying anything . All that changed yesterday . I unexpectedly had a free day ! I left the office to find that my friend 's baby was sick and had ( possibly ) exposed Smug - Baby , Smug - Hub and myself to something ( possibly ) contagious . I called Smug - Sister and gave her the option of not having me and my baby come and ( possibly ) infect her family right before Christmas and she decided that she had a light day and she would be fine without my help . So , there I was with a free day . The world was my oyster , I could do anything ! As it happened , Smug - Hub was also off work ( a whole other story and don 't even get me started on that ! ! ) So , we both had some last minute things to pick up and then we met downtown for lunch . The street and sidewalks were full of people shopping and on their way to lunch and that song with the line " It 's Christmas time in the city " kept playing in my head as we walked over to the Thai place for lunch . Smug - Baby spent the whole meal entertaining the other patrons and staff . The food was good and Smug - Hub was also in a great mood . I ran a few more places to get things that I needed and came home to bake some cookies for my friend who was heading out of town in the evening . I was pulling some cookies from the oven and I could smell the wonderful sugary smell filling the house . I could hear Smug - Baby and her daddy having a cooing conversation has they played in the living room . A Christmas special was on the TV in the background and my heart was full to bursting with love and Christmas spirit ! I felt like , this moment , right here was THE moment , the perfect moment of love and happiness . I had to run to the grocery store and take something to my sister and as I was whizzing through the store , I realized that my face was feeling a little sore . I checked myself in the freezer door I happened to be passing and discovered the source of the soreness - I could not stop smiling ! I was smiling at all the people stopping to make faces at Smug - Baby . I was smiling at the folks working hard to restock the shelves . I was making jokes with the customer who thought getting Red Velvet cupcakes would be better than eating the whole cake by herself . I was laughing with the cashier who carded me for some wine ( I 'm 34 so that never happens anymore ) . I was / am really happy . Really excited for all the cooking that I need to do today and preparing for the cooking that will need to be done tomorrow . I am no longer dreading how I 'm going to find the time to do all the wrapping . I am filled with Christmas spirit and love for my dear friends and family . I am finally feeling the excitement that I was trying to pretend I was feeling . I guess I have let go of that need to savor all the firsts and am now just enjoying all the moments be they firsts or not . That phrase is total bull shit . It is always meant like the person is sleeping really well , really soundly , really peacefully , but that is not how babies sleep ! ! They are up and down all night long and really only fall soundly asleep 2 . 4 second before the alarm goes off and you have to get out of bed . The last few years ( OK , only days , but it feels like years ) , Smug - Baby has been having trouble in the sleep area . I think that the combination of her schedule change and teething is responsible , but bottom line , she is not sleeping through the night anymore . On a wonderful night , like last night , she wakes only 2 - 3 times , I move her to my other side to switch Binky 's and she nurses right back to sleep and I am able to fall back asleep quickly . On a bad night , she might go to sleep like normal about 9pm and then wake up and want to play a few hours later , or not be ready for sleep until 11 or midnight . Since I started working for Smug - Sister , Smug - Baby 's naps have been sporadic with no real routine to them . Both babies tend to take their nap together sometime between 11 and 1 in the afternoon and if my sister is able to nurse hers to sleep , then I can focus on nursing Smug - Baby to sleep . However , Smug - Baby does not allow me to put her down during this nap time . I don 't really have a bed or good place to put her down there yet , and if Smug - Niece wakes before Smug - Baby does and then I try to put her down to get Smug - Niece , Smug - Baby wakes and cries as though her heart is breaking until I can pick her back up and nurse . Smug - Grandma offered to bring over her old yoga mat which is about 4 inches thick and almost the size of a twin bed . We could keep it rolled up when not in use and only unroll it for nap time . I hope that this will work and Smug - Baby can start getting a good nap at a pretty set time of the day . I think that this will help her to get on a routine and help her sleep better at night . I know that within a few short months , Smug - Niece will be more able to play on her own and with Smug - Baby and Smug - Baby will adjust to sharing her mommy with her cousin . They will both adjust to the new way of life and all will be wonderful ( hush , I need my dreams ! ! ) but getting there is tough ! It 's not like I can ( or would ) just quit working for my sister because Smug - Baby isn 't sleeping well at night , but its hard to get uAll that being said , last night was pretty wonderful ! She nursed to sleep and we climbed into bed at 9 on the dot and except for a phone call at 9 : 15 ( which I answered and hung up on all in one quick movement and Smug - Baby stayed asleep ) , we both drifted into dreamland . She woke to switch sides and nurse at 11 : 45 , 2 : 30 , and 4 : 15 , but only for moments to move and get latched on and I was able to go back to sleep easily each time , except for the one at 4 : 15 , I just turned the alarm off and got up . You rang in your 10 month birthday with joyful giggling and rolling around the bed . Your daddy kept saying your name in an attempt to get you to calm down and find sleep , however , this simply caused more giggling and wiggling . You spent the first hour of your 10 month birthday playing and watching cartoons while your poor parents sat looking on with bleary eyes wondering how you were awake with so much energy at midnight ! You finally nursed to sleep and stayed that way about 12 : 30 and your parents sighed with relief as they were finally able to surrender to sleep themselves for a few short hours until the alarm went off signaling me to get up and get ready for work . She is learning more and more . For example , when she sees Smug - Grandma and grandma is holding her and says " Upside - down baby " Smug - Baby will grip her tighter as she knows the dunk upside - down is coming . Smug - Sister taught her to find her nose and other 's noses . Smug - Baby will not do it on command every time but every now and then she will give in and point to her nose or mine or smug - sister 's . She waves and says " hi " to people all the time now . Its not a bending finger wave , more like a parade wave and she waves at everyone . People in the retirement community with Gramps lives , people in the grocery store , the dogs , kids , people on the TV . It 's is totally cute and everyone melts when she waves at them . She is walking / pushing this little toy down the hall and back . Smug - Hub and I will each take an end to help her turn around and she will go back and forth forever ! ! She giggles the whole time , it is so much fun . She still doesn 't like sharing her mommy with Smug - Niece , but I think that she is getting better about it and doesn 't try to smack her in the head as much any more . She still wants to crawl , putting all her weight down , on Smug - Niece 's stomach , face and anything else in order to get to the toys , or mama . She gets very upset that I will not let her do this and cries and wiggles . She has also started arching her back to flop backwards . She does it for fun but also when she is upset and this has resulted in a few close calls . She hasn 't been dropped yet , but its been close - there is not warning ! ! She has eaten a few more items . She like beans and has taken the " leaves " from a floret of broccoli and seemed to like that . I have tried pears from the baby food collection and she likes that OK , but only in the last few days of watching some other babies eating and I have to take a bite first before she seems to understand . Binky 's are still number 1 and she starts smacking my chest and pulling at my shirt when she is hungry . She still makes that cute " I 'm so excited about my Binky 's " noises when she hears the bra flap snap . It 's too cute ! She had her first fever this month . It lasted about 6 hours one evening and I just nursed her through it and didn 't give her any chemical medicine , I just let her body take care of itself . That was the extent of the head cold for her that her daddy and I have been fighting for the last several days . Her 5th tooth broke the skin this week . I am so proud of her for going through the pain and annoyance of cutting these teeth with such dignity and grace . The 6th tooth seems very close to breaking through . Her first Christmas fast approaches and Santa is one freaky dude ! ! Besides the Santa visit where she was sleeping the whole time , she has screamed and cried at each Santa she has seen . I thought that perhaps by exposing her to several Santa 's through the holiday he would become less scary , but alas , not - maybe next year ! I woke this morning channeling Jeremy Piven from Grosse Pointe Blank going " 10 months - 10 " I can 't believe that my baby is in the double digit months now and only a matter of weeks from being a whole year old ! ! ! I noticed a picture that Smug - Grandma has of her from Easter and I hardly recognize her . Was she ever that small ? ? Where did this last year go ? I look at my nephew who is turning 8 next month and remembering when he was Smug - Baby 's age and I start to hyperventilate that I am going to do a slow blink and my little girl will be all grown up . We were watching Shrek last night and I remembered how when he was Smug - Baby 's age he loved that movie and then trying to get my head around the fact that this movie was that old . Thank you Smug - Baby . I 'm having the time of my life and I owe it all to you ! ! Why is it that when we women are sick , the show must go on ? We struggle through all that we have to do during the day without much complaint , we don 't get to crawl into bed and take the rest we so desperately need in order to get better quickly . It takes us longer to get over whatever the aliment and , in my case , can 't take anything chemical because of the interference with nursing . Men on the other hand , are not nursing , so they can take whatever pills they would like when they are sick . They have the option of taking the time to lay in bed and sleep and rest and get better . Yet , they are the biggest babies ! ! They are the whinniest , laziest , cry - babies in the world ! ! Smug - Hub finally caught the head cold that I have had for the last two weeks . Smug - Sister and her husband both have it as well and Smug - Baby was sick for about 6 hours . Smug - Grandma even caught it , so it was really contagious and really hard to get over . He felt it coming on like Wednesday and felt even worse on Thursday . He took Friday off and spent most of the day in bed - all the while taking sinus and head cold medicine ! When I returned about 2 hours later , he had taken the kitchen trash can bag and set it on the back porch - he called this collecting and taking out the trash . Never mind that the bathroom can was overflowing or that the cans in our bedroom and Smug - Baby 's bedroom were getting full ! Beyond this , he had fully taken apart the free - standing cabinet in the kitchen . He told me that the shelf at the top collapsed he it needed to be fully reinforced . Fine . I carried all the pieces to the garage ( while he gathered some screws - very strenuous ! ) Then I spent the next hour , getting the dinner in the oven , cleaning up the clutter around the house , putting clean sheets on the bed , making wipes , folding diapers , sorting laundry and getting it started , wrapped a few Christmas gifts and cleaned off the dining room table . In that time , he drilled about 12 holes . He had to make a run to Lowes to get some special screws and did that while I put the changed the baby 's diaper and put her down for a nap . He brought the parts back up to the kitchen and worked on putting the cabinet back together while I made a salad , made ice tea , got potatoes cooking , set the table , nursed the baby , folded laundry , and opened the wine . When family arrived , my dad and cousin jumped in to help Smug - Hub complete the assembly while I finished mashing potatoes and getting dinner on the table . The cabinet is complete and once again full of stuff - except for the doors , anyone what to take bets on how many weeks it takes to get those put back on ? ? How about if I end up having to do it myself ? ? Dinner was great and everyone raved on the food , which is always wonderful but while I was serving dessert , Smug - Hub starting snapping at me about helping him get the kitchen cleaned up and dishwasher loaded . I told him to leave everything and enjoy our company and our dessert , but he snapped that dessert could wait until the kitchen wasn 't such a complete disaster . We worked together , him grumbling and snapping all the way , and got everything put away and cleaned up . We enjoyed dessert and family and Smug - Baby until everyone had gone and we were all ready for bed . I asked him why he was in such a bad mood and he went off about how sick he was and how he had spent the whole day putting together the stupid cabinet that I had wanted to buy and how it broke because I had filled it with all this heavy crap that I don 't even use . Smug - Baby was not interested in sleeping and is our arrangement , he stayed up with her and I went to bed , since I have to go to work at 4am . He finally brought her into bed at 11 : 20 - I couldn 't help but feel a little vindicated that he had to stay up and take care of her all on his own while I got some sleep : ) Is that evil of me ? ? ? There is a lot of death around me right now . My family has lost so much in the last few years , but this year it seems like we are losing more than before . My grandmother left this world in March , my cousin in September . My sister - friend is having to decide if turning off life - support on her father is the best decision . Smug - Grandma 's best friend lost her mother this week and tonight a childhood friend of my brother 's was taken off life support and quietly died . It 's this one that has me all teary . I didn 't know this child well , he was my brother 's age and friend and I was a teenager that had little interaction with my brother 's little friends . I know that this boy was troubled , I remember hearing updates over the years that he was in trouble with the law or his girlfriend was pregnant and I knew that he was into drugs . Last summer , while I was pregnant , I spent several evenings a week visiting my brother in jail ( 5 months for drug possession - pot ) . We got , I thought , closer during that time and while he said that he was done doing any selling of drugs , he was never going to stop smoking weed and thought that he would work with those who were trying to get pot legal . After his release , my brother faded from my life again . He has always been independent and never likes doing much with us , the family . I get it . . . kinda , but I miss having him in my life and I wish that he wanted to be part of things . I go months without hearing from him or seeing him and when I do , it is at my doing . I take my car to have the oil changed at the shop he runs , or send him " Happy Thanksgiving " texts . He generally responds and seems happy to hear from me and see me , but never makes any effort to see me or call me or even talk to me . When he was a captive audience , he was happy to have someone to talk to , now he just wants to be left alone to live his life . This boy was found unconscious on someones front porch one morning and was rushed to the hospital . His family has no idea why he was there , how he got there or anything . He was full of various drugs including a huge dose of insulin which had put him in a comma . That could easily have been or even still could be my brother . We , his family , have no idea where he spends his time , who with , nothing ! I miss my brother . I miss that little kid who would scream at the top of his lungs while mowing the grass , just to let off steam . I miss the boy who used to let my sister and I dress him up complete with high heels and make up . I miss the man I thought I was getting to know through 2 inches of glass and a bad phone connection . They were calling for the snow to start about 11 last night . It was supposed to snow about 2 - 4 inches by morning and turn to sleet and freezing rain and then to just rain by this afternoon . This forecast was really fine with me . I can drive in the snow and I would be home most of the day anyway . I got up extra early this morning so that I would have time to scrape off the truck and shovel the driveway if needed . However , everything is bone dry . Not a flake to be seen ! This too is fine with me . I have no love of snow and ice and the day would run more smoothly without it to be sure . I turned on the TV to see the weather and I see that the snow is imminent and should be starting soon . Now this is also fine . I can get to work before the snow starts and people start driving like they are nutso . However , this means that my husband and my sweet girl will probably have to be out in it when the snow is falling at its worst and before the plows are able to do their thing . This worries me . After I leave work today , I have to take care of Gramps and make a run to the UPS store ( they are right beside each other , so no biggie ) before I come home . I just hope that I am able to get that stuff done and home still before the sleet and freezing rain make it really hard to get up the big hill to my house . So , I have time this morning to post . I would rather be sleeping but someone decided that it was time for her to be awake too and I sit here typing away with a sweet girl playing with her ball at my feet , giggling as the ball rolls away from her and every now and then looking up at Sesame Street on the TV . My life is so perfect right now : ) However , I must finish getting ready for work and kiss her soft little face good - bye for a few long hours until I can squeeze her the whole day through ! ! I love Christmas ! I love the food best of all I guess . Last night I made some holiday biscotti ( with cranberries and almonds ) and some chocolate biscotti ( with chocolate chips and walnuts ) to send to some loved ones for Christmas gifts . I need to get everything wrapped and packaged up tonight for a post office run tomorrow morning . I hope that I haven 't waited too long and they won 't arrive before Christmas ! ! Anyway , the house was filled with the smell of baking and the lights on the tree were twinkling and my sweet baby was in the back - pack watching my every move . I had Christmas music playing in the back ground and the wind outside was howling . The house was warm and I felt full of the joy of Christmas ! ! I hardly even feel my head cold anymore ! Mornings are hard and as soon as I lay down at night , my head stops up and I can 't breathe . However , during the day I feel pretty normal , just more tired . I look forward to next week and all the time off and time spent with my family ! This weekend we took Smug - Baby to see two different Santa 's . Our local history museum offers a Fantasyland throughout December and displays all these old Christmas window displays from the old downtown retailers . This was started in the 1970 's and I was actually taken there when I was a child so it was fun to start this as a tradition with my daughter . Santa told story 's and sung songs and talked to all the kids about how Christmas was about giving and being with your loved ones and less about what you get . He told them about how important it was to listen to your parents and be nice to your brothers and sisters . Smug - Baby watched with rapt attention ! Then Santa posed with each child for pictures . We let Smug - Baby take it all in and watch all the other kids talking to Santa , but when it was her turn , the result was the same . She was really freaked out ! ! ! After that we headed over to the office where they were having a Christmas party for the associates children . Smug - Baby fell asleep on the drive over ( I guess screaming at scary Santa is tiring ! ! ) and I figured that she would wake as soon as I got her out of the car , but she stayed asleep . I figured that she would wake up when I laid her in Santa 's lap , but she slept . I figured she would wake up while I was snapping pictures , but she slept . I spent some quality time this weekend worrying about how to pay for Christmas . I worried about the gifts already purchased and the gifts still left to purchase . I worried about the cost of the food that would be made , the cost of stamps for Christmas cards and the cost of shipping to get some gifts to the out of town friends and family . Then I read a post from Learning Along the Way and got really sad that my Christmas has turned into something very commercial and material . I have been so caught up in squeezing every possible moment and experience into Smug - Baby 's first Christmas - after all , this is the only first - that I am making myself crazy . I don 't get crazy about Christmas . I never have . I 'm the one who starts shopping in October , a little something here , a little something there . I never stress , I always enjoy . But not so much this year . I know that I am over - stressed as I adjust to my new work schedule and money is much tighter than in years past , but Christmas isn 't about stuff , or gifts or even food . Its about love and togetherness and being happy . So , I resolve to let it all go . I 've purchased my last gift for the season ( who cares of Smug - Baby doesn 't have a full stocking on Christmas morning ? ! ? ! She doesn 't care ! ! ! ) I 'm going to concentrate on singing carols to my girl and doing what I love about Christmas - BAKING ! ! I want to watch classic Christmas movies and hold my baby girl and nothing more ! ! My sweet darling girl is sick . She isn 't quite 10 months old and this will be her first illness . Friday evening , she felt hot to me . Her dad had been holding her and he runs warm , so I figured it was just that , but after she had been playing in the floor for a few minutes , I felt her again and she was decidedly warm . I got out the thermometer and she was at 101 . 3 . I held her close and she curled her body into me and I knew she didn 't feel good . I had been feeling like I was coming down with a cold myself ( scratchy throat , achy , nose running - you know the drill ) , so I thought perhaps she was getting the same thing . I quickly got her ready for bed and we nursed a long time until she fell sleep and then we both went to bed . I remember waking in the night and feeling her hot little face and neck and worrying that perhaps I should be doing something else . My step - mother had suggested something to reduce the fever , but I knew that the fever was actually a good thing and her body was fighting off this thing and introducing a medicine would just cause her body to have to work harder . Sometime in the night the fever broke and she was much cooler Saturday and although she slept more than normal , she was acting like her normal self . Sunday was more of the same - lots of sleep , but no more fever and her nose had even stopped running . When I was reading Simple Peace Mama 's post on illness , I was happy to know that I had done the right thing , letting the fever run itself out and I am proud of my baby girl 's strong immune system that was able to work hard and fight off this cold really fast . Me , on the other hand , I feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest ! ! I am drinking herbal tea and taking Airborne and Emergen - C , and as much as I would love some chemical that would make me feel better and take away my suffering , I know that letting my body fight this itself is the best thing I can do for myself ! ! ! Last topic ! A girl I know gave birth to her daughter this weekend . While I am very happy that all is well finally . I am heart sick about how it all went down . I truly hope that she is happy with her birth experience and not traumatized like I would have been in her situation and I really don 't have many details . Its the same story we hear all the time - Doctors are concerned that mom won 't be able to deliver the baby as they are sure that the baby is over 9 pounds , so they induce , give epidural , labor doesn 't progress , they break the water , labor doesn 't progress , they move to a c - section , mom has complications , baby is only 8 pounds . I am just sick that they convinced this young mother , who was already anxious and excited to meet her baby to induce and the baby wasn 't ready , so more and more interventions had to done and now there are complications . I hope that my friend is so in love with her baby right now , that she doesn 't care about how it happened and she is totally fine with how it all went down . I just know that I would feel angry and betrayed by the doctors I trusted to help me , knowing that they caused all the problems . I would feel mad at myself for not trusting in God . I had almost exactly the labor experience that I wanted and my baby still had problems and I wrestle with the " what if 's " all the time . What if I hadn 't had my membranes swept ? What if I had done the home birth ? Perhaps the midwife would have handled the cord issue better , perhaps Smug - Baby would have nursed right after birth and aspirated breast milk which may have cleared her lungs within moments . I know that I wouldn 't have hemorrhaged because the cord wouldn 't have been cut , and the placenta wouldn 't have been forcibly delivered . It feels like it only became news once they were elected and the revelation would sell more magazines or news organizations would pay more for the information . It 's like everyone is consumed with greed and not with electing the best people to run our country . Is it any wonder that our economy is tanking ? Here is the saddest thing : Corruption and sleaze has become commonplace for our politicians , so much so that it is not really even a kiss of death for their career , just some bad press that they have to move past . Bill Clinton had numerous affairs and he is still popular and still has a career ; and wasn 't there a mayor in the 80 's , in New York I think , that was caught on video buying drugs , went to jail , got out , ran for office and won ? ! ? ! I was then thinking about how Miley Cyrus is criticized for taking racy pictures of herself - she is just being a teenager for God sake ! Teens are growing and testing and discovering themselves and she should totally be allowed to do the same . The only reason it is news is because she is famous . People think that because she has fans that are little girls and teens themselves that she is a role model and if she tries to be sexy , then her fans will be too and OMG what ever will we do then ! ! People seem to forget that it is a parent 's job to guide and raise their children and not Miley Cyrus 's ! ! So then , why is it that Miley is judged so harshly for her actions , that are the same as pretty much any teenager ? She is simply a singer , an actor - a good one ? Sure ! A popular one ? Totally , but just a singer none the less . Why do we continue to elect people to run our country who are corrupt and greedy and faithless ? We give a free pass to our politicians because , we are all human and we all make mistakes and we can all be redeemed . The problem is , they aren 't being redeemed - they try to sell a senate seat to the highest bidder and then go on to reality TV and become even more famous ! I say we give Miley a break and stop electing assholes to run our country ! I wonder if we all wrote in Spongebob for president what would happen - after all Spongebob is loyal , never has a bad word to say about anyone , has a good attitude and a great work ethic ! ! I think he would make a great president ! ! If someone called your house at 12 : 36am ? What if you knew that this person might be drunk and calling because they want in some way to reconnect with your family because they were once in a relationship with one of your family members and are sad it ended ? What if you silenced the phone as quickly as possible and did not answer because you knew that it would probably be a drunk call ? What if the call woke your baby and you spent the next two hours trying to get said baby back to sleep ? What if , by then , you only were able to get about two hours of sleep before having to get up and go to work and work all day ? ? ? I wonder if she got a midnight phone call . What about Smug - Sister ? I should find out before I call him back and blast his ass - just on the outside chance it was about something legitimate . But , then why not leave a message or call back if it was some kind of emergency ? ? ? If it was a mis - dial , also leaving a message apologizing for calling the wrong number would have been nice . Lord , I am so pissed ! ! Today , we took the babies to see Santa at the library . Smug - Grandma took the boys ( my nephews ) last year and it was really nice without all the crowds and lines and expense at the mall . So before we left , I took a few shots of Smug - Baby playing with Smug - Niece . Although I didn 't get any pictures of it , there was a funny / sweet incident that I have to tell you about . I needed to run back to my house to get some pills that Gramps needed , so I bundled the girls up and loaded them into my car and off we went . When we got to my house , I let Smug - Baby play and I left Smug - Niece strapped in her car seat ( because she was happy there ) while I used the bathroom and gathered up the stuff I needed . The seat was covered with one of those covers that keeps the baby warm - all you could see was Smug - Niece 's little face through the hole . I noticed that Smug - Baby was playing near the car seat and even pulling herself up on it and talking up a storm to her little cousin . Then , Smug - Niece began to be unhappy confined , so I unzipped the cover to find a red ball , a beaded necklace and a jar of peanut butter all hiding in the confines of the car seat with the baby . I figured out that Smug - Baby had been showing her cousin all her cool and favorite toys ! So Sweet ! ! So , back to Santa ! When I got to the library , I needed to change both girls diapers and put them in their holiday outfits and then it was picture time ! Smug - Niece didn 't mind Santa at all Who are you ? Smiling for Grandma I 'm in a pretty good mood this week - granted it 's only Monday , but hey , its a start ! it did me so much good to have a nice weekend and get everything done that I needed to , it makes the rest of the week much better not to have the undone hanging over my head . I was able to leave Smug - Sister 's a bit early tonight and spent a bit more time with Gramps ( his blood sugars are really high and we are working with him and the doctor to try to figure out why ) . When I got home , my sweet baby girl was sleeping and kept sleeping until about 6pm ! I was able to fold a load of laundry and do some work on the computer . Later , she played at my feet while I cooked oats for my breakfasts this week and is currently playing in the tub with all four of her rubber ducky 's ! ! It is nice to sit here on the bathroom floor and listen to her playing and splashing . I am slightly worried about a little rash on her butt , so I thought some naked baby time was in order , so I let her crawl around naked for a bit and when she was good and cold , I stuck her in the bath to warm up and play some more . I know that she is sensitive and when she is teething as she is now , her poos are strange , so I wonder if that is what is causing the rash - that and I normally can tell when she poos and the last couple of days I have been surprised to change her diaper and see poo . I hate that she has been sitting in it for a long time and I didn 't know . I feel like a bad mommy when I see the little red patches on her butt : ( Anyway , tomorrow I am taking her to see Santa and her cousin 's are going with us along with Smug - Grandma and Gramps . It should be a fun outing and after that one of my nephews is in his school 's holiday play - he is an elf ! We are all going to troop over there and cheer him on ! The batteries for my new camera and my video camera are already charging ! ! OK , she is starting to whine , so I must get her out of the bath and ready for bed . Perhaps she will fall asleep quickly given that she is all warm and wet ! ! Here 's hoping ! ! UPDATE : It 's 4am and my baby girl is wide awake and has been for about an hour . She also didn 't fall asleep until almost 10 last night ! ! Mommy is going to be very sleepy today : ( This weekend was just what I needed . I had been feeling so run down and stressed and overwhelmed that I really needed the weekend to get myself back in check . I realized that I haven 't been taking care of myself very well . I have not been drinking enough water throughout the day and I can 't remember the last time I ate a vegetable ! Friday after leaving Smug - Sister 's place and taking care of Gramps , Smug - Baby fell asleep and I was able to clean my whole house while she slept and vacuum as soon as she woke up . It really took every ounce of my strength to get it done , but once complete , I was totally stoked ! This would leave me time Saturday to run errands , finish laundry and grocery shop along with all the other stuff I needed to do . By the time Smug - Hub arrived home , I was ready for a hot shower and a back rub and then I went to bed ! ! Saturday morning , my first task was Gramps and then to a photo session for Smug - Baby . However , my wonderful and amazing photographers had a family emergency and needed to reschedule , so my morning was suddenly open . Almost immediately after hanging up with them , my dad called and invited Smug - Baby and I to breakfast , so we did that ! After that , Smug - Grandma called and an old friend of hers was visiting , so we headed over there to say hi . It was snowing pretty hard when she woke up , so I took her outside to catch her first snowflakes on her nose and eyelashes ! We took care of Gramps and got home in time to get a nice dinner on the table for Smug - Hub who had worked all day . We spent some time rolling on the floor playing with her baby girl and then headed off to bed . Sunday morning no one had to work besides the visits to Gramps and while Smug - Baby and I took care of that Smug - Hub started setting up the Christmas tree and we spent the day decorating the house and tree . When I got back from my evening visit with Gramps , the whole house was lit up and looking lovey ! Smug - Baby liked the tree OK , but didn 't try to pull herself up on it or anything . I did stop decorating it about two feet from the bottom , so she would not be tempted to pull down any glass balls or anything . I uploaded some pictures and videos to Facebook and we had leftovers for dinner . It was a full but relaxed Sunday and I feel much better about the week ahead ! What makes a bully ? How does a child learn how to push others around to get his or her own way and why ? Does it perhaps start with the adults in their lives pushing them around and treating them like second class citizens ? If we don 't treat our children like they matter , like they are real human people with feelings than what do we expect them to do ? ? My nephew was riding the school bus and came home complaining that two other boys where picking on him , holding him down and drawing on his face and neck . Another time they pushed him under the seat , another time they took his shoe . A lot of boys being boys and my nephew was playing rough right back , but Smug - Sister felt it should be addressed and talked with the principal and the GM of the bus company ( You see , our city leaders outsourced the bus drivers , causing many local folks to lose their jobs , or to re - apply for jobs with the new company and take cuts in pay and benefits ) . They talked to all three boys and the problem seemed to be resolved . My issue was with the bus driver . His job is hard , I get it ! But his job is to take care of the children on that bus and get them home safely . Is he is allowing the boys to jump from seat to seat , crawl under seats and hold each other down and draw on each other , then I feel there is a big problem ! This week , when my ex - brother - in - law met the bus to take my nephew for the afternoon , the bus driver yelled at my nephew , telling him that he needed sit still and stop jumping around on the bus . My nephew tried to explain that someone had taken his shoes and he was just trying to get them back , but the bus driver just kept yelling at him . My nephew 's father stepped in and told the bus driver that he was aware of the issues on the bus and that my nephew wasn 't the only problem . The bus driver slammed the door shut and drove off . When she met him at the bus stop today , the bus driver yelled at her to have a talk with her kid about getting right and not causing problems on the bus . She told him that my nephew was supposed to now have an assigned seat and he yelled back at her that he didn 't have time to give every kid an assigned seat . She told him that she was trying to work with him to correct the situation and he didn 't have to be an asshole , he slammed the door and drove away . Here is the thing , if the bus driver had talked to my sister calmly or the GM had been understanding and if they had both been willing to work with my sister in this situation , none of this would have happened . But because these adults don 't believe that children should be treated with respect and don 't understand that children are humans with feelings , this situation escalated into something ugly . Apparently it is OK for the kids on the bus to bully each other , because the GM and the driver bully the parents . But here is the kicker - parents have power ! I told my sister to call the local news . The city 's decision to hire this outside company to handle the buses has gotten a ton of bad press from the start and parents need to know that the city leaders , the bus company and drivers are perfectly fine with kids bullying each other and with treating parents and kids alike as if they are an inconvenience and not the whole reason they have jobs ! Lastly , because I hate it when people complain without offering solutions , here is something that I think would help . Did you know that the public school buses don 't have seatbelts ? ? Planes have seatbelts and lets face it , in a crash , a seatbelt on a plane ain 't gonna do much ! However , our public school systems care so little about the safety and well being of our children that they still don 't install seatbelts . What if they did ? Every child would be buckled in , unable to jump from seat to seat , unable to crawl under seats , unable to hold someone down and draw on their face . The cars now ping when someone is not strapped in , the buses could have the same function and the driver could address . If there are kids that are not getting along , they could easily be moved to another seat and strapped in . This seems a pretty simple and fairly inexpensive fix . Maybe I am in the minority , but I think that bullying is wrong . Be it from child to another child , adult to another adult or adult to child . Something has to be done to protect our children from growing up thinking that it 's OK to treat others badly ! I had dinner with someone last night who has recently had his heart broken . He is dealing , but conflicted and it sounds like the woman is conflicted as well . They still talk and are trying to do the friend thing , but it is hard on him to talk to her and see her and remember the good times and know that she is with someone else . Talking to him made me start thinking about breakups and how painful they can be , even when you know that it is the right thing and all for the best . How people handle their breakups can also be very telling , like the woman who ends her relationship and starts dating the same week . What does this say ? Perhaps when you are dumped , thrown away , cheated on , whatever , you need to start dating right away to feel better about yourself . You need to feel desired again and it can help regain some of your self - worth that may have been lost when the person you loved tossed you aside . People often jump into a rebound relationship probably for this same reason , to feel worthy of someones love and affection . I know someone who was dumped and immediately starting dating the ex 's best friend . She told me later that this was done only to hurt her ex and when he didn 't care what she was doing or who with , it lost its appeal and she had to end it . This caused the new guy to be hurt and everyone was just hurt all around . So , while rebounds can be necessary , they can cause a lot more hurt in the end . I started thinking about my last relationship before I met my husband and how that relationship was probably more of a rebound that turned long - term ( 2 years ) . I think that I had loved being part of a couple so much that I just wanted that again and forced myself into a relationship with a man who didn 't treat me very nicely . I stayed with him long after I knew he was abusive and I 'm really not sure why . I know that at the time , I felt trapped by a lack of money to afford to live on my own and there were good times that I thought seemed to make up for the bad stuff . But , if I am really honest , I just didn 't want to be single . I wanted to be married and have a family and I was getting older . I was in my late 20 's and my younger sister was already married , owned a home and had a baby on the way , and I was stuck with none of those things that I wanted so badly . When the breaking point was reached and I finally moved out . The boyfriend didn 't believe me and kept calling me to reconcile . I think that he was convinced I was an idiot for leaving him and if he could just see me , talk to me , I would come back . When that didn 't work , he proceeded to tell all our mutual friends that he had to dump me because I was trying to get pregnant behind his back ( where that came from , I have no idea ) . I found out later that he had never stopped seeing other women even though we were living together and while that hurt me , I was mostly concerned about disease at that point . When I left , anything and everything that I had ever felt for him was dead . However , this relationship had made me gun shy and while I went out and partied with my friends and reconnected with people I had let go in order to make time for this dysfunctional and abusive relationship , I refused to date . I was finally convinced about 6 months later to go on a date and it was horrible ! My co - workers and friends encouraged me to let someone take me out and show me a nice time and I did and it was just awkward and I think that the guy really liked me , but I felt nothing for him and we had nothing in common and I swore off dating forever . It would be another 6 months before I would meet my husband . I almost called to cancel my date with him a dozen times . When I met him , I tried to set him up with my friend , because I liked him and thought he was nice and since I wasn 't interested , he might as well go out with someone nice , but he wasn 't interested any my friend and they never went out . So I decided that I would just use him for sex : ) After our first date , where I watched him like a hawk for signs that he was going to drink too much or say something to put me down in a sneaky way , I fell for him . For the first year we dated , I kept him at arms length . I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and for his " real " personality to be shown . It was a long time before I gave him my whole heart and my whole being . Here is the thing . The year that I spent being single was the best thing I could have done for myself . I decided that I wasn 't meant to be married or have a family and then I set about being OK about that . Once I was OK with the idea of not having the family I always wanted , I started to enjoy my life , myself and worked on making myself happy and strong and whole . By the time I met my husband , I was happy with myself and totally at peace in my life . I was perfect and complete and he was just gravy on this great life I had created . I know now that I was getting myself right , so that I would be in a good place to accept this wonderful man and be ready to really appreciate the family that was to be had with him . So , here is what I have learned . While breakups are hard , you can 't find the person who is perfect for you until you are perfect all on your own , in your own eyes , and you can 't find your perfect person while you are with the wrong person . It has been raining . That horrible drizzle rain that is just cold and wet and makes all the drivers on the road bat shit crazy . Work was fine besides from breaking three fingernails on my right hand when I attempted to scoot some boxes around in my cube . Then it took about 20 minutes for the teller at the bank to complete my deposit all the while my darling baby is crying the back seat . She is bored and hungry and already been in the car for almost an hour . I take care of Gramps and get to Smug - Sister 's and the day there was pretty fine . Smug - Niece was in a great mood and was content in her swing or playing on the floor most of the day , while Smug - Baby seemed like she wasn 't feeling well and just cried most of the day . She seemed very easily frustrated and just wanted to be held all day . I feel like my " job " of helping my sister with her baby is wonderful , but it forces me to short - change my own child a bit . When I wasn 't working , I would have just held her in the rocking chair all day , but now that isn 't an option . I 'm not really complaining , its just hard to get used to . I wasn 't able to get to Gramps before his dinner break , so I ran home to do a few things before I went back out to take care of his stuff after he ate . When I got home , I was just pissed . It was pouring rain and Smug - Hub ( because of being sick this weekend ) had not finished cleaning up the garage , so I was facing the prospect of pulling the baby out of the car in the pouring rain and then putting her back in the car 20 minutes later to go to Gramps and then repeating when I finally arrived back home . So I left her in the car and shoved items around in the garage trying to make enough room for the car to fit . I was able to do so , but in the process bashed my shin on a metal box and by the time I got back in the car to pull it into the garage , it was already a huge purple lump and is throbbing constantly . I had about 15 minutes to kill , so I brought the dry laundry up , put a new load in the washer , sorting Gramps 's pills , collected and took out the trash and recycling and started the upload of the photos to Shutterfly so that I could order from Christmas gifts later . Then it was back to the car for the ride to see Gramps . He wasn 't totally finished with dinner so Smug - Baby and I sat with him and chatted with his dinner companions . Smug - Baby was sweet , but I could tell that she was still not feeling 100 % and I felt rushed to get her home and spend some time playing together . It was after 7 when I finally was finished for the evening and I just sat down and cried for a bit . My leg was hurting , I was tired and hungry with no food ready to eat ( I ended up with a few saltines and a 7 - up ) , my sweet daughter 's cup was empty and she needed love and hugs and some quality time . Then it happened . I turned on the TV and Rudolph was just starting . I was filled with the joy of Christmas and I realized that this would be Smug - Baby 's first exposure to this holiday classic , so I sat down on the floor and held her and we watched Yukon Cornelius look for gold and I sang along to all the songs and hugged my girl close . After it was over , we got ready for and into bed and she quickly fell asleep . I am in my 30 's and have been married almost 3 years . I am a wife , daughter , sister , aunt , friend , lover and finally , finally what I have dreamed of being for many , many years . . . Mama |
It strikes me that I never posted the link to Kira , a student film I worked on last year . It certainly has its flaws , but I am very proud of the work done by everyone involve in the project . This was nearly a full time job for many people involved , and Kira went from initial concept to finished project in just nine months , during which time everyone who worked on it was a full - time student , and many were heavily involved in sports , clubs , and other such things as well . We had a ton of fun ( and learned a lot ) making it , and we hope very much that you enjoy watching it ! Towards the end of this past summer , I received the very happy news that a literary journal wanted to publish a short story of mine . Below is the link to the online version , with the print version of the book soon to come ! Enjoy ! This is a short film that I made for the final project of my New Media class last semester . It 's based on the short story of the same title by Debbie Knubley which appeared in last fall 's issue of Kodon . The sound quality isn 't great , but it was pretty fun to make . " You sure this is what you want to do , Elsie ? " I asked . I wanted to look her in the face when I said it , but for some reason I couldn 't , so I just stared through the windshield at the large red lettering that spelled out " QUICK MART " on the building in front of me . " Yes . " I suppose I really didn 't expect her to say anything else , but I wasn 't above hoping that she 'd change her mind last minute . I pulled out of the gas station and back onto the freeway . The silence between us was unbearable . I think Elsie didn 't want to talk because she knew I 'd ask about where she was going . I just didn 't know what else to say . I first met Elsie about six and a half years ago as a freshman at Myron College , which kind of makes it an accident we met in the first place . I didn 't choose Myron , really . My parents chose it . They knew that meant I wouldn 't be going anywhere they didn 't check off on . I guess I could have taken some loans and gotten by at a state school . But they were all huge , and I wanted somewhere a little smaller . As it turned out , all my parents really cared about was that the school was Christian in name . Thankfully , they didn 't bother digging any deeper than that . Not that Myron was a bad place ; simply that , when we visited , the tour guides mentioned that Methodists had founded the college , but now the school chapel was used for Catholic , Protestant , Jewish , and Muslim services every week , as well as being the meeting place for a number of other religious groups on campus . Moving in was a mess . There were people all over the place , toting boxes and bags , sweating slightly in the August heat . I had picked up my room key , and , thinking I knew exactly where I was going , I was laden with a suitcase , a duffel bag , and a backpack . My parents were both carrying boxes . She smiled . " Nope , I 'm a freshman . I just made the same mistake in reverse already . " We both laughed . " I 'm Elsie , by the way . " A memorable way to meet someone , I suppose . I did remember her name after only that one meeting , whereas with most people it took me two or three times . But then again , you meet so many people the first few weeks of college that I didn 't immediately think anything of it other than , well that girl was nice . And cute . When you first start college there are some people that you meet once and never see again the whole semester . Then there are some people that you see around enough to remember their names . Finally , there are people that you actually talk to , people you start to become friends with . Elsie was in that last group . For us , it was music that started us talking . That 's how our friendship started , little conversations like that . They were the foundation for the ever increasing trust that we built with each other . While we still talked about music and other small things like that later on , we also branched into deeper subjects of , as Douglas Adams put it in The Hitchhiker 's Guide to the Galaxy ( Elsie 's favorite book ) , " life , the universe , and everything . " We became each other 's first line of defense against the insanity of the world . If I had a problem , I 'd talk to Elsie about it . People asked us if we were dating from time to time , but it wasn 't ever like that with us . We were just really good friends . And that was fine . I don 't think I would have made it through college without Elsie . Late February that year , Elsie started dating this guy named Brian . I knew Brian a little bit , well enough to say " hi " whenever we passed each other , though not much better . I suppose I got to know him a little more after he started dating Elsie , but even most of that was secondhand info . On the whole , Brian seemed like a mostly ok guy . Elsie seemed to enjoy being around him , so I was happy for her . Honestly , though , I didn 't pay that much attention to Elsie and Brian 's relationship . I had other things on my mind at the time . I had other friends , I was focused on my classes , and I started writing for the Myron Herald , the campus newspaper . There wasn 't much room left for Elsie 's boyfriend . That 's how things passed for pretty much the rest of that year . Elsie , understandably , hung out with Brian a lot , but I was happy that she made time for me , too . I just enjoyed being around her . There were times we 'd sit up all night just wondering about what was coming in our lives . I 'm sure Brian wasn 't a huge fan of us spending time together , but I guess Elsie put her foot down because the issue never came up between the two of us . At the end of the year there was a semi - formal dance . It was an annual thing , and a pretty big deal . Elsie , of course , went with Brian . He asked her with a huge bouquet of tulips and a note that said something like , " These tulips are nice , but not nearly as nice as your two lips . " Kill me now . I mean , the guy couldn 't even write a little note without turning to a cheesy , clichéd line ? Besides , he should have known that Elsie liked roses . Most people were asking dates . I personally knew of at least five other guys who would have asked Elsie if she hadn 't been dating Brian . I think one of them went for it anyways . I didn 't have my eye on anyone in particular and didn 't really want to go to the trouble anyways , but I still decided to go . My roommate , Phil , didn 't have a date either , although it was more because he couldn 't find anyone who would go with him , so we went together to avoid the appearance of having no friends . He spent the whole week prior to the dance referring to me only as his " wingman . " Naturally , I tried to avoid him . We got to the dance early , just as the band started playing , because Phil said he wanted to " scout out the single ladies . " There weren 't a lot of people there when we first arrived , but it filled in pretty quickly . A few people had started dancing when I saw Elsie come in . She was wearing this blue dress with the slightest green sheen to it , so that whenever she turned it caught the light . The low " V " of the top fell elegantly over her torso , and a silver necklace adorned her neck . Her long , black hair shimmered down her back . Damn , she was pretty . I must have been staring , because she caught my eye , smiled , and waved . " Thanks ! Not too shabby yourself . I like that shirt . See , Brian ? I told you that you should 've worn more than just a polo . " " Yeah , I think we 've met before . " He shook Phil 's hand . Phil gave a little nod . I was pretty sure they hadn 't met before . " Well , fellas , I think Elsie and I have a little dancing to do . We 'll catch you later . " He steered her away . So Phil agreed , although I think he was skeptical . His foot tapped to the beat of the music , and his eyes impatiently scanned back and forth . I tried to play it off , keeping a steady gaze towards the dancers . I saw Elsie and Brian out there . Elsie was twisting and moving like nobody 's business . For good reason , she was drawing some stares . They looked like they were having fun , so I was happy for Elsie . I was feeling weird that night . It wasn 't really that I was sick or tired or anything like that . I just didn 't quite feel myself . I spent most of the night just sitting there , sipping on punch . I wish I had seen Elsie more than the occasional glimpse of her dancing with Brian , but I think she had a good time . Towards the end I lost all sight of them . They must have left , I thought , and he didn 't even let Elsie say goodnight . Unoriginal little bastard is probably kissing those two lips right now . My stomach turned over and I felt a pressure in my chest . I must 've had too much punch , I thought . I 'm making myself sick . Fall of our Senior year , Elsie was dating this guy named Greg . Greg was a couple years older than Elsie and me , but he lived in the city of Myron . Elsie had met him in a bar while she was out with " the girls " the previous semester . Greg was an idiot , and I 'm sure Elsie knew it . I knew Elsie could have done better , but she told me she was happy . The thing was , Greg wasn 't an explicitly bad guy . He drank , but not excessively . He worked a crappy job cooking for some run down restaurant in the bad part of town , but it got him enough money to keep up rent on his apartment , keep food on the table , and keep the cable TV coming in . I think that 's all he did after a day on his feet : flop down in the easy chair and zone out to SportsCenter . But again , there wasn 't anything inherently wrong about that . I think he wasn 't really sure what to make of me , and I think maybe he didn 't like me that much because of it . That was fine , because that meant I didn 't feel bad about not liking him much either . Maybe he thought I was intruding on Elsie and him , but if that was the case he just didn 't take the time to try to understand me . I would 've told him it wasn 't like that between me and Elsie . Anyways , that fall a guy I worked with at the Herald gave me four tickets to see the minor league baseball team a town over from Myron the first Sunday of September . I invited Elsie , Greg , and this girl from the paper who I kind of knew . Her name was Lauren , and she was cute enough . I picked up Lauren at twelve - thirty , and we met Elsie and Greg at the ballpark by one . The tickets weren 't great : upper deck ; but in a minor league stadium , even the upper deck isn 't that high . Besides , who am I to pass up free tickets ? There was hardly a soul around up there , so even though our seats were about halfway up , we pretty much got to pick where we wanted to sit . We were down the third base line , so we were lucky enough to stay in the sun about as long as it lasted before the stormy - looking clouds that kept rolling in completely obscured all natural lighting . With the exception of the ever worsening sky , the first four innings passed rather uneventfully ; both pitchers were hitting their spots , so there weren 't many base runners . I tried to engage Lauren in conversation , but my efforts were largely in vain . Lauren , it turned out , was a pretty dull girl . Midway through the fifth Elsie and Greg went to go get some food . When they came back , they were arguing . I 'm not exactly sure what about , but it seemed pretty serious . They quieted for a second when they sat down at first , but then Greg started to say something and Elsie excused them both . She pulled Greg to the next section over and they began to talk quite heatedly , although they never started yelling . I lost focus on the game , and , now that I think about it , I stopped paying attention to Lauren , too . I kept stealing glances at Elsie and Greg . It didn 't seem to be going well . Elsie was still sitting , but Greg had stood up and was waving his arms all over the place . He looked like a monkey . After about an inning , Greg stormed off . Elsie stayed a section over and just sat forward in the seat , chin cradled in her hands . A little while later , she got up and walked out of the grandstand . I told Lauren I was going to get a hot dog and went after her . I caught up as she was headed down the stairs . " Elsie , what 's going on ? " I asked . " What were you and Greg arguing about ? " She just shook her head and continued down the stairs . I tried again , " Come on Elsie , you know you can talk to me . " I tried to reassure her . " I do worry . Come on , what 's wrong ? " But she wouldn 't say anything else and just kept on walking . So I followed her . She walked down the stairs , out of the stadium , and out into the parking lot . As we walked past rows of cars , the rain that had been threatening finally started falling , quickly picking up into a heavy shower . She stopped at the base of an empty spot in front of a light post bearing the designation " Lot E Row 23 . " I stepped up behind her . " That 's where Greg parked . I 'm sure of it . When we pulled up he said , ' Good , the car 'll be easy to find when we leave . ' " God , Greg 's a moron . Who the hell drives off without his girlfriend ? I sure wouldn 't have done that to Elsie . " Hell , no . And I hope that asshole doesn 't call and try to apologize either . " She sniffed , and her breath caught for a moment . I walked Elsie to my car and drove her back to her apartment . She had been dating Greg for almost six months , but Elsie wasn 't about to put up with a stunt like that . Nonetheless , I could tell that it would probably bother her for a little while . I wished there was something more I could do . I offered to walk her up to her room , but she said no , thanked me for the ride , and gave me a hug good - night . I got back in my car and drove to my apartment . I had completely forgotten about Lauren . I didn 't know what to say . I mean , I 'd always been a Christian , though I guess that was mostly just because my parents were . I never gave much thought to it one way or the other . I just was . So how to respond to a statement like that ? I don 't really know why that 's stuck with me , but it has . Maybe it 's because it has stuck with Elsie , even though I don 't think she knows it . If you were to have asked her at one point , she might have said she was Buddhist . A month before that , maybe agnostic . I 'm not sure I 've even kept track of all the different creeds Elsie has claimed to confess . During school , she went to about every conference , speaker , and service she could . It was like she was looking for something she could never quite apprehend . Talking about spirituality in its many forms became a hobby . " I like this idea , " she 'd say , or , if she didn 't like it , " Those people are idiots . " She found many more belief systems she didn 't like than things she actually agreed with for more than a few weeks . That was how it usually went : she 'd wholeheartedly leap into an idea only to stick with it for a couple weeks before it , too , joined the " idiots " list . Although I was happy enough to listen to her whenever she felt the need to talk through some new concept , her whole " Spirituality Quest , " as I came to think of it , was only something I watched her do from afar . My parents dragging me there was the only reason I went to church as a kid , and I just didn 't care to wade into any of that . I didn 't mind that Elsie did because fighting the energy she put into it would 've just been stupid , and it never pulled her apart from me . There was a while there just after college , however , that Elsie did drift away from me . In a way , it almost seemed normal . We had just finished college , and had no strict connection anymore . There were a bunch of college friends that I quickly and quietly parted ways with . But a lot of those were people I said " hi " to as we passed on the sidewalk . Now their sidewalk was halfway across the country . Elsie and I had become close . That hadn 't been my imagination . Even our sidewalks were kind of close . So why did I not hear from her for five months ? She hadn 't even returned my calls . After school , I had gotten lucky . An alumnus owned a marketing firm close to my hometown and had given me a decent job . I even had enough money to get an apartment in a pretty nice part of town . Work was interesting enough , and I was supporting myself . I got back from work a little later than normal one night . In my apartment , my message machine was beeping . I tossed my coat on the couch , pressed the " play " button and began to rummage through the fridge . The first message was from my mother , telling me that she hadn 't heard from me in ages and I should call . The second was a reminder from my dentist that I had an appointment in two days . I had almost stopped paying attention when the third one started . " So , I know I haven 't kept up with you at all since graduation . Sorry . Umm … maybe we could catch up soon ? Gimme a ring sometime . " She listed her number and the message clicked off . I remember not knowing what to think . Half of me was tense with the anger of her not calling me , but the other half relaxed , soothed by finally hearing from Elsie again . I wondered what had happened to make her disappear and why she was reconnecting now . I didn 't sleep well that night . The next day I called her , and over a fairly short , awkward , and disjointed conversation we decided to meet for coffee that Saturday . I was nervous . I stood around my apartment for 15 minutes , ready to leave long before I needed to . After convincing myself that traffic would be bad and I really should head on , I finally did go . I was still at the little restaurant we had agreed on nearly 10 minutes early . But I guess maybe Elsie was a little nervous too . Walking in , I picked her out immediately . She was sitting at a table in the back corner taking a sip from a mug . Her hair was shorter than it had been at graduation , now falling just above her shoulders . I don 't remember walking back there , but suddenly I was standing before the table . " Oh , please don 't do this , will you ? Don 't you know I can see when you 're upset ? Just ask me the real question already . " I was taken aback . I hadn 't even realized it , but I guess I was so upset at Elsie that I wasn 't ready to deal with whatever it was that had happened . I just wanted Elsie back . But she was right : we needed to sort out whatever had happened first . Elsie sighed . " You remember at the end of school ? There were a million flyers around for different causes , groups , the military , stuff like that . " " For some reason , God knows why , one of the flyers caught my eye . I grabbed it and held onto it through graduation . It was for a women 's temple of some Taoist sect . Anyways , you know how I was . I didn 't have a clue what I was going to do once school was through . I lasted about a week at home before I realized I couldn 't stand sitting around under my parent 's scrutiny with nothing to show them for four years of tuition . So I decided I 'd go sign up . I knew they 'd never go for it , so I left them a note and snuck out the night I made up my mind . " Ok . I guess I get that . Why didn 't you call me afterwards , though ? " I managed to keep the anger out of my voice that time . " One of the stipulations of acceptance into the temple was that we take a vow to cut ourselves off from all contact with the outside world . They said it would help us achieve Tao , which would make us come in line with the universe and give direction to our lives . It wasn 't that I didn 't want to call you . I just couldn 't . " " So why are you back here and talking to me now ? Looking for more converts ? " That made her laugh , which made me happy and broke the awkward , latent tension . " No , no , I 'm not going to try to convert you . In fact , I quit . I realized the whole thing was crap . After five months of sitting around in a temple , it came to me that instead of giving direction to my life , the whole thing was just making my life even more stagnant . We weren 't doing anything . I mean , half of what they were trying to teach us was this ' action without action ' garbage . We weren 't doing anything ! " " Yeah , I guess so . But hey , life experience , right ? And you 've successfully debunked another religious system . That 's , what , two dozen that you can firmly mark off the list ? " " Oh , hell . I don 't know . How am I supposed to know ? " She got serious again . Her eyes sort of glazed over , and she stared into her mug . " How am I supposed to know what to believe ? But there is something out there , right ? There 's just gotta be . Where else would this feeling come from ? " I immediately regretted saying anything . She gave herself a small shake and looked up again . " Oh , never mind . I forgot , you only put up with that stuff as a courtesy , and you certainly don 't owe me any courtesies today . But damn , it 's good to see you again . " Elsie lived with her parents for a few months before she found a cheap apartment not far from where I live . That 's where she 's been living ever since . She worked as a waitress for a while before getting hired by an advertising firm . She was low level , but at least she had a job where her income didn 't depend on how many hours she could work . I think even that little bit stability in her life was really important for her . Ever since getting back from the Taoist temple , Elsie seemed just a little bit unstable . Not like she was going to crack up , nothing like that , but just that she always seemed a little off from who she was all through college . It was like she was constantly thinking about something else , and her brain was too preoccupied to put much work into her personality . Elsie was always on the extremes . Occasionally she would get super happy : running around joking , making good - natured fun of me , like how I couldn 't ever seem to find a girlfriend . I liked being around her when she was like that . The only problem was , it wasn 't quite her . Don 't get me wrong , Elsie 's a girl who knows how to have fun , but she seemed to be trying too hard , like she knew that 's what she was supposed to be doing rather than showing what she really felt . The other end of the spectrum , however , showed up far too often . Elsie frequently appeared depressed and disinterested in what went on around her . She 'd still go out , but she 'd be tired and her mind seemed to be elsewhere . Perhaps the biggest change was that she hardly ever spoke more than a few words at a time anymore . Some of her local friends stopped calling her . I suppose they felt she was just dragging down their nights . Not me , though . I still liked being around her . If we just walked around the lake and didn 't say a word that was fine . At least I was there in case she did want to say something . And one day out there , I think she did . We were walking around the lake on this gray , misty day that was cool to the verge of being cold . A gentle breeze was rustling the trees and sending ripples out over the water . Anywhere else , it would have been a crummy day , but being out there with Elsie on the path around the lake it seemed like an artist had painted the landscape perfectly just for us . Walking had become a regular ritual for the two of us . The first couple of times we were out I had tried to make small talk . Maybe I was trying to talk enough for the both of us , but whatever I said only ever seemed empty . No matter how much I jabbered , Elsie never responded past a small nod to acknowledge that she had heard me , so I soon embraced the peacefulness of the silence . It was relaxing , and I had even grown to relish the quiet time . So , as usual , we were out walking and not talking when Elsie slowed down . She turned to face me . Her eyes said that she was about to say something so I just remained silent and waited . She opened her mouth , but a shudder gripped her body . Turning to the side of the path , she bent over and after a couple of heaves began vomiting into the bushes . Elsie was ok the rest of the way to the car and didn 't throw up on the drive to her apartment , but she seemed shaken . When we got to Elsie 's apartment , I walked her up the stairs and sat her down on the couch . By then it was just past noon . " I think I 'll be all right . Besides , I 'm hungry . I just lost my breakfast , remember ? " She gave me a weak smile . " Lunch is served ! " I said as cheerfully as possible in light of her pale , expressionless face . She didn 't say anything but tossed something small to me . I caught it . Elsie might as well have tossed a grenade at me that day . I remember this part in the movie Letters from Iwo Jima where the Japanese soldiers defending the island were committing suicide before the Americans could kill them by holding live grenades to their chests . That was what it felt like . " Elsie you know that I 'll stick by you . I 'm not mad at you ; I 'm here to help you work through this . " I handed the test back to her , trying not to let my hand shake . She clutched it to her chest . I pulled the pin , drew her close , and it rested against mine as well . The ensuing days , weeks , and months were , I think , some of the toughest in Elsie 's life . When her parents found out , they went berserk . When she wouldn 't tell them who the father was , they stopped talking to her . I tried to get her to tell me , but my luck wasn 't any better . I suppose I tried to step into the void . Maybe that gave some people the wrong impression . Her parents , for example , whom I had always been on good terms with , turned their anger at their little girl toward me , even though Elsie explicitly told them that I was certainly not the father . I 've never had that kind of relationship with Elsie . I did as much as Elsie would let me do . Not that it was very much . Elsie took control of her pregnancy . She drove herself to every doctor 's appointment and wouldn 't let anyone else go with her . She was still working nine to five to keep up with her bills . I don 't know how she found the energy for it . I hear babies are supposed to tire their mothers out , but this one seemed to revitalize Elsie . Despite all of the trouble from friends and family , Elsie was more of herself then than she had been for ages before that . I was happy for her . But I was still rocked to the core . I knew Elsie , and she didn 't go sleeping around . Hell , I didn 't really admit to myself that there was a chance she had slept with some of her past boyfriends . How did Elsie get pregnant , I kept asking myself . She didn 't even have a boyfriend when it happened . Did I miss something within the silence of our walks ? Had I not been there for her enough ? One evening I was back at my apartment after work . It was about six months into Elsie 's pregnancy . I was eating dinner when my phone rang . Driving towards Elsie 's apartment , I wondered what it could be . Maybe she had tried to call her parents again . Mostly , they had just refused to pick up . She got away with using my phone once before it , too , apparently went onto the " ignore " list on their caller ID . A few times Elsie tried to bypass that barrier by calling from a pay phone only to run headfirst into another in the shouts of her mother . When I got there , Elsie was sitting on the couch . One of the childcare books that she had bought secondhand lay on the coffee table in front of her . I sat down next to her . " No , I 'm not . No , listen to me ! " She stood up and shoved the book off of the coffee table . " I 'm not going to be a mother . " " I … I miscarried . I saw the doctor today because I couldn 't feel the baby move . It 's dead . " Tears began to fall down her cheeks . Elsie started sobbing . I will forever remember her face at that moment . I don 't think I 've ever witnessed more emotion in a single instant before or since . " Yes it is . " Her body still shook , but she regained enough control to talk . " Last week , I was sitting at home after trying to call my mom again . She never picked up in the 14 times I tried . " Another sob racked her breath . " I tried to call you , but I guess you were at work . I 've been teetering on the edge of control for so long , and I just lost it . I literally went crazy . " It started off slow . I was furious . Mad at the world . I know you 're not supposed to drink when you 're pregnant , but I did . I started taking shots . I don 't remember how much I had . " Wow , I thought . Elsie 's a bit of a lightweight when it comes to alcohol . I didn 't have a clue where this was going , but I knew that a drunk , out of control Elsie did not sound good , never mind the fact that she was drinking while pregnant . " That didn 't help , though . I think it just made me madder . I started attacking everything around me . I kicked the door and threw the lamp across the room . And then … and then I started beating myself . I hit my head against the wall … and started punching my stomach . As hard as I could . " She broke down again . I was stunned . I 'd seen Elsie get heated before , but never anything like this . This broke all bounds of who Elsie was . I kept thinking , this has got to be a lie . Elsie would never do this . She took a couple minutes to regain enough composure to speak . " Finally , I tired myself out so bad that after I threw myself against the wall I fell down and couldn 't get back up . Between crying and the alcohol , I passed out . It was probably only about five in the evening by the time I passed out , but I slept through till morning . The baby hasn 't moved since . " She fell silent apart from the occasional hitch in her breathing from crying . Utterly at a loss , all I could do was wrap my arms around her . I felt completely empty , completely worthless . I hadn 't been around for her call when she needed me the most . As I held her head to my shoulder , I closed my eyes and for the first time in far too long , I prayed . Two months ago , Elsie had the operation to remove her child . Her parents even showed up to mourn with her . I guess that 's what a tragedy can do sometimes . I 'm pretty sure that I was the only one who heard the whole story from Elsie about how the miscarriage occurred . People don 't usually ask questions when you say " miscarriage . " I don 't think the doctors even knew everything . It 's been a strange time for Elsie these past two months . She 's been understandably muted , but at the same time , she seems confident . The fun - loving but perpetually searching girl I met in college has been joined with a woman more introspective and assertive . The result is a mixture that 's undoubtedly still Elsie , but it 's a new Elsie . And so I found myself driving to the airport . Four weeks ago , Elise decided she needed to get away . The memory of her unborn child haunted every step she took , she said . She needed some place where she could start over . I told her that place could be here , but she insisted . " No . I need somewhere no one knows me at all . Somewhere I don 't have to conform to any expectations . Somewhere I can just take time to sort out my life . " We pulled into the airport and parked . I took her bags out of my trunk and helped her carry them in . She took care of her own ticketing . I was intentionally kept back far enough that I couldn 't hear her speak to the airline assistant . Remaining bag ( she had checked the others ) in her hand , we walked over to the security checkpoint . She turned towards me . I felt my throat swell . Then she picked up her bag and walked through security . I stood there until I could no longer see her , then I walked back to my car . I sat inside not doing anything , as though I had forgotten how to drive . I thought of Elsie and prayed she would be all right . I prayed that wherever it was she was going , she would be happy . I prayed that she 'd find what she was looking for , because I knew that even as much as I loved her , neither I nor any other person on earth could give it to her . |
Hye was waiting for her usual bus at the usual bus stop near her work place . It was late at night , almost 10pm . She was all alone . But , what she didn 't realize was that she wasn 't exactly all alone . There was someone who was watching her from afar , and another someone who was watching her from over the glass . Both of them wasn 't able to approach her . No , only one of them wasn 't able to approach her because he saw that she wasn 't alone . It wasn 't 3 minutes later that the bus came . It was very cold that night , but it didn 't bother Hye because her mind was somewhere else . She had been having late nights and her body condition wasn 't tip - top . She boarded the bus and because there wasn 't many people around , she was able to get a couple seat to herself . In such circumstances , the girl would usually sit near the window , but Hye chose to sit near the aisle . She put on her earphones and played her music . The lyrics of the first song on the playlist seemed to be singing out her story . She closed her eyes and unknowingly , tears flowed . There was someone who was watching her , beside her ; Hye of course wouldn 't have noticed . Hye was starting to weep a little , but there was no noise . The man seated next to her stretched out his hand to wipe off those tears rolling down the cheecks . The cold touch startled Hye . " I … " JaeJoong is lost for words . He didn 't know how to explain it to Hye . No matter how hard he tried to read her mind , he can 't . And , he was kept away from her with his mission . " And … You know . . Usually , at times like this , the ladies would usually sit at the window seat . And , they would rest their head on the window … Why ? " JaeJoong stopped his nonsense when Hye continued to stare at him . JaeJoong didn 't argue with Hye . He sat upright to match his shoulders to be higher than Hye . Then , he put his left hand over her shoulder and pushed her head to rest on his right shoulder . The third song continued to play on . Tonight , weirdly it seems , all the songs on Hye 's playlist seemed to be playing stories about their past . Both Hye and JaeJoong have many parts of their stories in bits and pieces . One thing JaeJoong didn 't realize is that Hye had a companion who was looking out for her at a distance . With that , Hye alighted the bus and ran a little until she was sure she wouldn 't be seen from the bus stop . As she ran , she couldn 't stop herself from crying . She sat at a bench and cried with all her might . Someone was seated next to her . He was protecting her in his own way . " I 'm sorry . I 'm sorry . Hye , I 'm really sorry . " JaeJoong found himself crying for the first time after his death . " As your senior , I only have one advise for you . You 're already dead . Don 't mess with the life of the living . No matter what you do , you can 't turn back time . " " Your fate with her ended in this life . But , no one can tell what 's coming up next . Haven 't you know enough to be able to guess ? " Hye entered her own room and he followed behind her . Hye slammed the door right at his face . But , in any way , it wouldn 't matter to him . " Hye ? Hye , wake up . You 're late . " Seo called out for Hye as she approached her sister . Seo touched her sister and realized that she 's down with a high fever . " Hot fever ? " Concerned , her mom burst into the room . " Let me see . " Her mom moved to the other side of Hye and touched her on her forehead . " Indeed . Seo , get some ice and cloth from the kitchen . Make sure to wet it . " With that , Hye 's mom busied herself the whole morning , trying to lower Hye 's body temperature . A house doctor had been called in and medicine prescribed . Worried , Hye 's mom couldn 't leave Hye an inch , but it was almost lunch time . " My dear , you need to take your medicine . I 'll cook you something , alright ? " Hye 's mom said in a very soft voice . " I 'm supposed to protect you . But , I couldn 't stop you from having a fever . You 'll come to know why later . " " I … am … " Puzzled , that guy continued to ask , " But , how did you manage to see me ? No , no , no , since when did you know of my presence ? " " I insist . " Hye sat up and thought for a moment . She took in a deep breath and heaved out a sigh . " I shall call you ' shadow ' . It was autumn . It was dark at night . Hye was walking by herself and she came to the signboard . She couldn 't read what was written . But , she entered . As soon as she did , the place lit up . It was a busy place . She took a glance around her surroundings . Then , she saw that she was being escorted by a lot of people behind her . " Why are you in a daze ? You want me to hold your hand ? " With that , the guy held her hand and dragged her to walk forward . " But , still … " That guy placed both of his hands on her shoulders and made her sat on the chair . " My princess , you can sit here and wait to be fed . " " Are you dreaming about him ? " Shadow asked the sleeping Hye . " Do you know that each time you dream about him , you would end up tearning . Although you wouldn 't know what exactly happened , but your dream will stay with you . I only worry that , you 'd feel miserable on the day you get the full story . " Yong Jae slept facing inside , but as soon as Hye lied on the bed , he turned and faced the other side . The dream stayed on for quite some time in the dark . Hye was staring at YongJae 's back the whole night . From the viewpoint of the Hye in the dream , Yong Jae wasn 't asleep either . In fact , he didn 't move an inch because he thought Hye was asleep and he was afraid he 'd wake her . The day went on very long and Hye , down with a hot fever , slept through the day . The dream went on and on in swirls . Shadow just sat beside Hye and tried to reduce her sorrow as much as he could . What Hye saw in her dream made her drew a distance with JaeJoong . She couldn 't tell from which is which . She knew that JaeJoong is hiding things from her . She wanted to question him . But , she need to find a good time . With lesser and lesser time that JaeJoong is appearing in front of him , what questions can she ask ? " Hye ! Hye ! Hye ! " Hye couldn 't hear her mom calling for her from level 1 . She went straight up after she entered the door to her room . She was deep immersed in her thoughts to hear or notice what 's happening around her . " I 'm sorry , mom " Hye was feeling apologetic towards her mom . Not because she didn 't hear her calling out for her , but because she was still deeply immersed in her thoughts . Hye was staring blankly at her mom as her mom spoke . " Oh well , nevermind . What have you been up to lately ? You seem to be lost in your own thoughts . " Hye 's mom moved to sit beside her daughter who was now sitting at her own bed . Hye was going to tear up , but she managed to hold it back . " Are you having a lot of stress recently ? " Hye knew that she 's going to burst into tears soon . She couldn 't bear to let her mom see her tearing up . No , in fact , she was afraid that her mom would question her . Because , she would have no answers to those questions . Her mind was in a stir . Hye continued to be in daze as her mom exited the room . There was someone else in the room . The feeling was positive . But , because Hye was too immersed in her own thoughts she wouldn 't notice a thing . There was a loud thud and it shocked Hye . It actually brought her back to the current world . Seo was standing at her door . " Just keep silent for a moment . " Seo moved around and her fingers moved towards the main switch of Hye 's room . She pushed the switch and it clicked off . " Quiet . " A few moments passed and Hye was so irritated she got out of her bed to switch on the light . She then held her sister 's hand and dragged her to sit on the bed . " Oh , nevermind . " Hye grabbed her towel and clothes and went straight into the bath . Seo watched Hye as she made every single movement and she was certain that she did not feel anything unusual about her own room . " You should be able to tell what I 'm made of . Don 't try me " Seo tried to threaten . " Just because we 've been busy with our daily lives doesn 't mean that I don 't bother about my dear sister . " " Me ? Ahh … No … No , I have nothing to say . " Seo replied her sister while shaking her head . Seo is acting weird today and to Seo , Hye seemed to have notice but she didn 't question about it . Seo left the room . One thing that she 's certain , Hye isn 't able to see that guy . Somehow , she didn 't know to feel happy about that or not . That night , Hye turned in early . But , it didn 't stop her from having her dreams again . JaeHak looked at Hye with a sorrow face , but he tired very hard to keep it from Hye . Each time , when Hye turned to look at him , he 'd smile at her brightly . Hye , being the innocent her , wouldn 't have noticed anything . The dream stayed sweet for a moment before it was moved to another scenario . Hye was walking down a path where all houses lined up in a straight line and it was dark in the night . She was all alone . She had a piece of her outer clothing wrapped up over her head in order to cover her face . She took each step forward with much cautious . She had ran out of somewhere , onto this street , in search for something . In the dream , Hye kept walking and none of the street lights lit up for her . Then she heard sounds behind her and she turned around , scared . She then heard some footsteps in front of her . She turned around and she 's being brought to another sencario . It was a back street . It was a dead town . Scared , Hye forced herself to walk fast foward in a haste . She stopped at a corner when she heard a voice . Then a fight broke out . Scared , Hye hid herself behind the house while she watched the 5 men fought . She saw that the man that they were trying to kill was JaeHak . Shocked , she let out a loud scream . JaeHak lost his focus on her and he was slashed by one of the shorter guys . Shocked , the 4 men fled . " Prince JaeHak ! " Hye shouted out to him as she ran towards him . She tried to hug him when he was in much pain , but because it was just a dream , when she tried to hug him , the dream shifted and the scenario changed . " Hello " Hye greeted the other lady that was with him before turning to him . Hye signaled to JaeHak to ask him who that lady is . But , Hye didn 't like the expression on his face . He was avoiding her glance as well . He didn 't bother to introduce her . The lady , didn 't bothered to introduce herself either . She glanced at Hye and then at JaeHak , as if she understood everything . She did , in fact . Hye kept shaking her head as she backed away from the scene . She was tearing up in her dream . She looked very heartbroken . After backing for what seemed 15 steps , Hye turned and walked , then it turned to brisk walking , then to running . " No … You shouldn 't . Why are you doing this to me ? You said you love me … You can 't do this to me . No , you can 't ! You can 't ! " Hye found herself weeping in her own sleep . " No … You shouldn 't . Why are you doing this to me ? You said you love me … You can 't do this to me . No , you can 't ! You can 't ! " JaeJoong seemed to have notice that something is not right . He tried to use his means to find out the reason behind it . What exactly had he found out ? What was the thing that he exchanged with his missions ? What did he realize that Hye come to know ? Would that change the relationship between the both of them ? Who exactly is that guy ? Filed under : Fans Fiction , Love after life - Leave a comment " No … You shouldn 't . Why are you doing this to me ? You said you love me … You can 't do this to me . No , you can 't ! You can 't ! " Hye jumped out of her bed and broke out in cold sweat . It was the sequencial dream that she keeps having after that night and tonight is already the 10th night . Everything was like a puzzle that she had to fix up herself and the story was incomplete - no , it was yet to be completed . Sometimes the dream stopped after once but at times , it continued the whole night . The amazing thing about dreams that Hye realized was , in reality everything happens by the seconds then minutes , but in dreams , everything happened in a flash within a spilt second . It wasn 't at all confusing , in fact , it told her many things within a single second - stunning yet scary at times . Hye got off her bed while she tried to catch her breath and relaxed herself . She glanced around and realized that JaeJoong wasn 't around . He hadn 't been around at night since after that eventful night . It wasn 't because Hye didn 't had the courage to question JaeJoong about it , but she knew that she shouldn 't . It was like a taboo , like how a little girl 's candy would be taken back if she questions the capability of her fairy god mother . Hye went to wash her face and realized that it was 6am . " Hye , could you help me with these ? I need to go for a meeting and I have an external meeting over lunch later . But , the boss wants this done by the afternoon . Please … Please … " Hye couldn 't reject . " I don 't get confused these days . " Hye signaled to JaeJoong that she has more work to do , putting the file right up to his face . But , of course , the file couldn 't touch him . Nothing can touch him unless he allows it . Or , unless it wasn 't human or an object . " Oh shit ! It 's already 1 . 30pm ! Since when did time pass so … Wait , I 'm hungry … " Hye was thinking of going to the cafe downstairs to grab something . She stood up and glanced around . She was the only one left . She grabbed her wallet and phone and was about to leave when the door bell rang . " It has been paid for . The address is correct . Do you have someone by the name of … " Hye glanced at the receipt that the person was holding and saw her own name . " That 's me ! " Hye shouted out , without realizing that she was being too excited about a lunch delivery . She was stared by the delivery guy . " Oh … Oh ! You can just give them to me . " Hye ensured that the person left the office before she turned around and head off to the pantry area . Once again , Hye broke out in cold sweat from her dreams . She stared at her clock and it says 3am . She had barely slept for 2 hours but it felt so long . She went to the toilet to wash up and changed into a new set of clothes before turning in again . This time , Hye awoke frozen in her bed . She felt numbed for at least a long 10 minutes before she could finally move . She felt that she wasn 't alone . Seo went into her room . She saw that Hye wasn 't alone . There was another presence that was being felt . But Seo didn 't know what that was . She couldn 't afford to scare her sister . It was obvious to the both of them that either of them are hiding something from each other . Hye couldn 't tell Seo out of fear and Seo couldn 't tell Hye because she shouldn 't get Hye involved and knowing about the existence of these things . On an additional note , she herself , wasn 't too sure either . Sometimes , the more we question about something , the more we get to know about a certain truth . Sometimes , the truth could be something desirable , but many times , it is a true fact so true and torturing that one wouldn 't be able to bear knowing the whole story behind . When we question , we choose what we want to question . And , when we remember , we have to be certain that 's worth remembering for what 's being remembered would not be forgotten even if that thought is missing from the brain , it lives in the subconscious mind . Hye wasn 't prepared for anything at all . For the next couple of days , it was hard to catch sight of JaeJoong . Hye was bothered about it when she had that free time to let her thoughts run wild ; sometimes on the way back and forth work and sometimes over lunch . These days , Hye likes to eat her lunch alone rather than having the company of her colleagues . She thinks that she needs time to herself to think about many things . But , each time she sits down to really give it a serious thought , her mind just went blank . She felt puzzled and frustrated about it . She could ask no one . JaeJoong wouldn 't tell her of anything even if she 'd try to ask , he 'd just change the topic and asking Seo is definitely not the best idea . She wouldn 't want JaeJoong to be hated by Seo . It was a Sunday night when Hye was tidying up her schedule for the following week . " Hmm … There 's just so many things to be completed in a week . Why do we have only 24 hours a day ? And , spending 8 hours a day for sleep is just such a waste of time ! " Hye complained to herself in her room . " And … " Hye glanced around her room . " Where is that Mr Kim Jae Joong ! " She exclaimed quite loudly to herself . Hye turned her chair around only to find herself stuck right in front of JaeJoong . JaeJoong was staring directly at her . Hye started to pout and cross her arms to show her dissatisfaction . " Don 't try to change the topic again . Answer me . Where have you been ? " Anger filled Hye 's voice . Hye stood up and her eyes matched JaeJoong 's eyes . He looked seriously tired . Hye 's eyes started to tear a little . JaeJoong softened . " You 're not going to say you 're going to tell me when the time is right . " Hye walked away from JaeJoong to escape his glance . " You know that I 'll be worried . I 've been worried about you for the whole week . Do you know how it feels like talking to myself , thinking that you 'd reply me ? Thinking that you 're actually right beside me and I couldn 't see you ? I 've been worried about your whereabouts . " " I know . That is it ? " Hye wasn 't trying to be pushy but she 's really worried . " Oppa , you can tell me frankly . " " Hye , it 's not that I don 't . It 's I am not supposed to . You need to understand that . " JaeJoong thought . Hye glanced at the clock . " You 're going to ask me to rest again ? But , oppa , you … " Hye felt too listless to continue . She didn 't want to quarrel with JaeJoong , especially so when he just returned after such a long time . One thing that Hye is very certain is , she 's still able to see him . Hye pretended that she listened to JaeJoong and went off to bed . Seeing that Hye is asleep , JaeJoong set off again . When Hye noticed that JaeJoong is gone , she get out of bed to get changed . She ran out of her house , onto the main street and found JaeJoong walking . She followed him but wondered to herself if that 's how ghost travel - by walking . She followed him quite closely but kept a distance so that JaeJoong wouldn 't know that he had been followed . She felt like a stalker and thought about to herself how his stalker fans must have stalked him like that previously . She saw him come to a halt in front of a condominium . JaeJoong stood there and stared at a single unit for at least 10 minutes before moving off again . " Why is he doing here ? Why did he keep staring at the apartment . Which apartment was it that … " Hye was distracted in her thoughts for a moment and before she realized it , JaeJoong was out of sight . She stood up and revealed herself , thinking , " Where did he disappear to ? He didn 't walked ? " There was a shine of light coming from behind . Hye turned . " No , I am … " Hye started off saying , but decided that she should lie . " I just came back from an exercise and will be heading back now . " Hye pretended to enter the building and pressed the lift when the security guard went off . " Phew , that was close ! What a time to be at a strange place and spotted by a security guard with no excuse . " As promised , JaeJoong did show up every night at Hye 's house and put her to sleep , but each night when she sees him , he gets a littler more tired than the previous night . Hye was worried but she didn 't question . She was unusually obedient to JaeJoong . JaeJoong was too tired for anything else so it didn 't cross his mind that Hye was being unusually obedient to what he has to say . Every night , when Hye pretended to sleep , JaeJoong would leave the house to go to that mysterious apartment . Hye would follow him only to fail to be able to tell which unit exactly was the one that he entered . But she was determined . " No , no , no it 's fine . " Hye insisted thinking that it 'd foil her plans . She had intended to wait for him at the apartment instead . Hye was there at 10 . 15pm . She knew that she could be early but she wouldn 't want to be late . So , she didn 't bother about the time . It was a good thing that the weather was kind to her that night . She waited at a bench nearby , close enough to be able to spot JaeJoong when he appears . After a long wait , he appeared . Hye was excited and determined when she saw his appearance . This time , he walked into the building . Hye followed closely behind . He was gone when she reached the lobby but she noticed that the lift stopped at 15th floor , so she took the lift up to the 15th floor . There were 6 units in that level . Hye started to walked back and forth at the lift lobby , wondering which unit could JaeJoong be at . " It 'd be insane to go and ring the bell of every single unit . People would complain and I 'd get into trouble and I can 't investigate . No , no , no , that 's a very bad idea . What can be done ? " The lift door sprang opened and a black suit man walked out . He looked beat . Hye followed behind him to see which unit he entered . He walked to the far end of the unit that the main door faced the whole corridor . She tried to followed closer up , intending to make a right turn to the unit at the right if he notice her . That black suit man turned his door knob and Hye stood there frozen . " Hye ! " He said to her , looking at her eyes . " It 's not safe here . Let 's go . " JaeJoong knew that the other two men would most probably appear soon if they found out . " What are you doing there ? Have you any idea how dangerous it is ? And , what time is it now ? Do you think it 'd be safe for a girl to … " Hye was still in a daze . " Forget it . I 'll take you home . " JaeJoong hated to see her cry . He hugged her . To Hye , he felt a lot colder than he used to be when they first met . She didn 't question . She knew the answer . She didn 't have that energy to either . " Alright , I 'll tell you . " JaeJoong said as he grabbed her hand and started to walk . " Let 's walk home while I tell you . But you 're not allowed to ask any questions . " Hye nodded in agreement like a 3 year old kid given a lollipop candy . " I 'm on a mission . I can 't tell you what mission is that . It 's against the rules . There are rules that I have to abide by while I 'm here . I didn 't know what happened that allowed me to stay here , but I have to exchange something with it for while I 'm here . There are people in charge of me to ensure that I accomplish my mission and to ensure that my identity wasn 't revealed . You are a threat . You 're not supposed to know anything . But , I stayed for you . " JaeJoong said , stopping now and then to check that his words are clear to Hye . " I have to do this every night . It drains my energy . I 'm always with you during the day . But , I need to rest too , so I didn 't appear in front of you . " " No , not exactly why . I couldn 't help much because it strains my energy as well . You were good at your work to begin with . " Hye nodded to show that she understood him . " It 's like an exchange . For the missions I complete , I get to stay here longer . There are things that I need to find out . I promise I 'll tell you when I get the whole picture … " They were almost at reaching Hye 's house . JaeJoong was glad that nothing happened . But he wasn 't glad for long . That two men appeared in front of him . JaeJoong didn 't know that Hye wouldn 't be able to see them . On the other far end of the street , he saw that Seo is standing there with her arms crossed and an angry look on her face . He didn 't have to ask to know . He and Hye walked nearer to the two men and Seo decided to walk towards them as well . Seo saw the two men and felt that their presence could be a threat so she decided to walk to Hye . " Hye , what are you doing out here in the middle of the night ? " Seo tried to shake Hye awake . " Are you sleep walking again ? " Seo pretended that she didn 't see JaeJoong or any of the two men . JaeJoong was glad that she did so . He didn 't want to put either sisters in any danger . Seo grabbed Hye 's arm and put it over her shoulders . She didn 't turn around to look at JaeJoong or the two men and made sure that Hye didn 't either . That night , Seo put Hye to sleep after feeding her with a cup of hot milk . That night , Hye had a rough night . She saw JaeJoong in the dream , but he wasn 't his usual self . He wasn 't laughing and he looked more tired than usual . He was , in fact , in pain . Hye found out what JaeJoong was up to at night , but she didn 't manage to get her answer . Her dream that night bothered her greatly but she didn 't question JaeJoong about it . JaeJoong still manage to keep her company during the day , appearing now and then when she needed him . But , that marked the start of the nightmares that Hye started to have at night . What exactly was all that ? To JaeJoong and Seo 's surprise , Hye actually had a visitor ever since that night - a non - human visitor . " You should know what I have been busy with , oppa . I had special trainings and after that we had discussions . And I wrote a note the other day to say I found an extra job so I 'll be working late at night too . " " It 's just so I can save up more money … for some uses … " Hye was planning to go on a vacation with JaeJoong . And , of course , there was no need to save for a 2 - person trip . JaeJoong ignored that fact . He was bothered with other things than what 's going on around the room now . Someone is waiting for him outside the door . Someone that he thought only he himself can see . " It 's late . You should really rest and save up the energy for tomorrow . " In fact , JaeJoong too can 't bear to leave Hye . As he turn to leave the room , Hye shouted , " By the way , I have all the rights to know … everything about you ! " Hye was angry . Having said that , she lifted her blanket with a flip and hid under it . JaeJoong turned and glanced at her with broken heart . " I 'm sorry , Hye . Now is not the time . I have no idea what 's going on yet . " He murmured really softly under his breathe . So soft , Hye didn 't hear a thing . " Hye … are you not going to wake up ? You 're going to be late for work . " Seo said to Hye as she opened her sister 's door . Seo glanced around and noticed that JaeJoong isn 't around . Seo was surprised but she didn 't ask much . " It 's not the time to be having dreams now . " Seo said as she pointed as the clock in Hye 's room . Shocked of the time , Hye jumped out of her bed . " I guess it should be . Where 's the paper ? " With that , Hye 's mom went out to get the morning paper for Hye 's dad . For the whole morning , Hye was stuck in the meeting room and discussions about a project at work that she and her team mates are working on . She had no time to think about JaeJoong and didn 't even notice that he wasn 't around since last night . It was almost lunch time when one of Hye 's colleague approached her . " Ung ? " Hye asked as she stared at her watch . " I didn 't realize it 's 12 . 30pm . I 've been busy with work . I still have a couple of things to finish up on before I can eat my lunch . " " We 'll just head down to the cafe downstairs then . EunJung - nim says she has an email to send before she can join us and SeungHee will be meeting us at the lobby shortly . Join us when you 're done . " " So much to be completed . " She said to herself in the empty office . Then she stood up and glance around . Luckily , there really wasn 't anyone around . She heaved a sign of relief and sat back down on her chair . " You will know later . " With that , JaeJoong pulled her out of her chair , grabbed her bag and put it on her shoulders and hold her by the shoulders and walked her towards the door . " No matter how busy you are , you need food . Your stomach says it is hungry . " They waited at the lift lobby and the lift arrived , slightly packed but still there 's space for at least 3 people . The both of them entered . Then , it stopped at the next level again . This time , 2 people were waiting . JaeJoong signaled to Hye that he 'd be at the lobby . Before she could react , JaeJoong was gone . Hye didn 't like the missing act . And somewhat , she remembered that he didn 't come back yesterday . Hye exited the lift and found JaeJoong seated gracefully at the sofa in the lobby . She walked towards him and in a low voice , said " Where were you last night and this morning ? I didn 't see you . " " You 'll be stared at talking to yourself . " JaeJoong has grown to be more conscious of their surroundings and accepted the fact that he 's invisible to everyone . " Now , let 's go to the cafe over there and get you some lunch . " JaeJoong put his hands on Hye 's shoulders and ushered her out of the building . There were a lott of people queuing to get food . Although the queue was long , the service was somewhat fast . Before Hye 's turn , she turned and look around at the crowd and there wasn 't any seat . Then she noticed her colleagues at the other corner and decided that she shouldn 't join them . Hye made payment and was given a receipt and a waiting number . It was barely 3 minutes when her order came out . She held the tray and walked towards the direction of her colleagues . JaeJoong was following closely behind and he was whisling in a good mood . " Oh really ? I was there for less than 10 minutes and I had everything . " Hye said as she glanced around to look for JaeJoong who had walked over to the other side of the cafe to seat under the tree . Hye stared at her food and sighed . Everyone ate and finished everything and went back to work . Hye had like 10 tasks to be completed that day and she was all prepared to work over time like the rest of the day . But everyday , she always never fail to finish her work faster than she should . " Don 't take it that I never say anything doesn 't mean that I approve of you . It 's all for my sister 's sake . Now , if you 'd let her be with her things and stop doing all those things to help her . " " Why don 't I ? " JaeJoong placed the book back on the desk and turned to face Hye with his arms crossed in front of his chest . " Now , if you 'd get off that bed and go to bath , you dirty fellow . " JaeJoong stood up and was about to reach out to Hye when Hye rolled herself out of bed . " I got it . I got it . I just came back and you want me to move . " JaeJoong has been doing the disappearing act for most nights that Hye would return after dinner time . After some nights , she realized that he always disappears after 10pm . Where exactly did he go ? What exactly did he do in between the time when he 's not with Hye . Is he trying to settle some other things that he didn 't accomplish ? Hye was getting curious and was very determined to find out . She shouldn 't alert JaeJoong about it because it has to be done in secret and in her own means . " Ung ? " Hye sat up and turned and looked at JaeJoong in a very swift movement . They were lying down on the grass getting the sunlight on their faces . " No … because you seemed to know that I liked you since a long long time ago … So … I was just wondering how did you … know … " " Recently ? How ? What do you mean ? " JaeJoong stood up from where he was seated and started walking off when Hye stood up and chased after him . Hye was ignored by JaeJoong again . Angry , she stopped at where she stood and crossed her arms in front of her chest and turned her head against where JaeJoong was walked . JaeJoong , noticed that Hye was not following turned back . JaeJoong stood at where he was positioned and looked at Hye . " Your neck will hurt this way . Look at me … " JaeJoong said in a soft voice and that melt Hye 's heart . She turned slowly first to look at JaeJoong . But something shocked her . " I don 't know is it because of the bright sunlight … " Hye looked at the sun and then set her focus back on JaeJoong 's face . She tip - toed slightly because it was even harder to tell where exactly JaeJoong is standing in front of her . " What ? ! What has that got to do with me being fair ? " JaeJoong was slightly annoyed . He didn 't like it when people say that his skin is fair because he couldn 't do anything about getting darker even with sun tanning . " The bus is not coming until a little while more . Maybe another 3 minutes ? " JaeJoong was looking at his watch when he said that and he was looking very cheerful and optimistic . Exactly 3 minutes later , the bus arrived as JaeJoong had said . Hye stared at him as he stepped up to stop the bus to board it . Hye flagged the bus too and it stopped in front of her instead of JaeJoong . They had both forgotten that not everyone would be able to know JaeJoong 's existence . Hye was having some special course that day for the whole day and the special training will go on for 3 days . Feeling bored , JaeJoong told Hye that he would be going somewhere else and he 'd see her at home . That night , Hye returned late because the people at her class had asked her out for a group dinner . " He needs to have a hand phone so I can tell him I 'd be late … How am I supposed to let him know ? Would he know . . ? " Hye stared up in a daze at the night sky as she thought of all these . " He 's not here ? " Hye slammed her own door before JaeJoong could react . He was seated on her bed . JaeJoong heard her running across to Seo 's room . " You don 't see him " Seo asked , slightly shocked . She stood up and walked towards Hye 's room , open the door and found JaeJoong seated at the end of Hye 's bed . " He 's here . Don 't you see him ? " " Ung ? " Hye turned to look inside her own room . JaeJoong was still seated at her bed . Hye tried to shield him from her mom 's view . " And you 're saying you are not acting weird ? " Hye 's mom pushed Hye to one side and walked into Hye 's room and sat by her study desk . Hye shifted her sight from her mom to JaeJoong . JaeJoong shrugged and shook his head . " No … that 's not what I meant but … but I just came back … and … and … I haven 't showered . " Hye set her focus on JaeJoong 's face , afraid that her mom might have noticed JaeJoong . " Why are you so out of sorts ? Did you have fun ? " Hye 's mom asked her as she stood and walked towards Hye and patted her on her head . Maybe because Hye 's mom saw the look on her face she said , " You seemed to have a hard day . Have a good shower and rest early . " She said that as she closed the door behind her . Hye had forgotten about something . JaeJoong too had forgotten about it . It was an hour later when Hye came out from her shower , all ready to go to bed . She laid down on her bed and JaeJoong tucked her under her blankets . JaeJoong was about to walk away when … " On the day of my accident , I saw a very bright light that flashed across my face . Then , I heard someone calling out to me . I felt like I had arrived in a very strange place . That place was very peaceful . It was all white initially then there were colours and faces and voices . It felt like a hundred years have passed within that swift moment . I saw everything . I saw you . But it wasn 't the you that you are now . I saw myself . But it wasn 't the myself now . I saw many other people . I saw Seo too and I saw many other people . I think I saw your parents too but their looks were different . Then the story went on . I saw what happened . Everything that happened … " " I have no idea how to explain about the way of our dressing when we first met . It wasn 't modern and we met a couple of times or should I say many times back before ? We were lovers before and before that . But our parents objected of our relationship . You seemed to be from a rich family , like you are now and I seemed to be from a family that wasn 't so well - off , exactly like what it felt like now . I saw you crying many times and then you were dragged away by people who seemed to be like your parents from before . We were seperated and we wasn 't able to meet at all . Then everything ended when your parents tried to arrange for your marriage , forcing you to marry a person that you didn 't loved and I have no idea what happened to you after that … " " Then it because different again . This time , we were students . We were not from the same class . I was quite sure I liked you then but you didn 't seemed to know who I was . I was pretty upset about it , being quiet most of the time . During that time , you had a lover . I was always watching you from far away . You seemed to know that I was watching you but you didn 't bothered with me . You had times of happiness with your lover then . But there was one day when the two of your fought and he pushed you onto the floor . You were crying very badly . I hit him out of fury . I consoled you . You started to take notice of my existence . But that was all . You didn 't accept my feelings for you . We became slightly closer friends but that was it . Then , you dated someone new after a few months later and everything ended there . I had no idea what happened next . " " This life … I saw you out of that many people . But , it was too late obviously . I saw you when you went for our first showcase , our first concert , our first fan meeting , our first recording live and I saw you at the airport several times . You were even at some of our tour concerts . I saw you a few times when you walked to the supermart near my place . I was always on my way out when I saw you . Why didn 't I took more notice ? " JaeJoong stared down at the face of Hye . She looked so sweet and peaceful , asleep . JaeJoong sealed a kiss on her forehead as tears rolled down his cheecks . The week passed by peacefully with Hye busy with her training and preparation works that followed after that . JaeJoong was bored by the work that Hye had to do so most of the time he didn 't sticked to her . He would appear at her room at night and sometimes she would find him seated at her study desk the next morning . There were times when JaeJoong said he would be back when he failed to . But one thing , Hye was never late for anything due to JaeJoong 's help . What exactly was JaeJoong busy with ? What exactly did JaeJoong help Hye with ? Would life really remain that peaceful as the couple would have liked it ? Seo suddenly disapproved of JaeJoong sticking on to Hye and even threatened JaeJoong . Why did she do that ? " What 's with the vibrant this early in the morning , my princess ? Why are you up already ? It 's hardly past 7am . " Hye 's father exclaimed as he put his brief case and coat and wanted to settle down on the chair . " Where 's Seo ? Is she still sleeping ? She 's always the one who wakes up about this time . " Hye 's mom said as she settled herself on the chair opposite Hye . In a swift moment , JaeJoong changed his seat to beside Hye . " I think that already happened . " Seo started out of nowhere . " Right , Hye ? " Seo said as she looked from JaeJoong to Hye in a short 1 second . Hye looked at Seo but she didn 't say anything . She knew . She knew that Seo knew about it . Seo probably knew what happened last night and she probably knew about the fact that Hye is now able to see JaeJoong . Hye helped her mother washed the dishes that morning ; something that she haven 't done so in a long time . She initiated to wash it . JaeJoong was seated on the table beside her the whole time and watching her while she washed . " No , I just like how your back looks when you wash the dishes . " JaeJoong said as he stood up and moved towards Hye . He leaned his back against the wall and he 's now facing the side of Hye 's left . " There 's somewhere I want to go . " Hye shouted from the staircase . She ran up the staircase and into the room . She closed the door behind her . She stared around the room and turned back pull open her door again . " This is totally embarassing ! " Hye shouted at the top of her voice . She draw the blanklet away from her and JaeJoong appeared in front of her covering her mouth . " This looks nice … No … Not that bottom … that doesn 't match … No … NO … That looks fine … Hmm … . " JaeJoong started commenting as Hye chose clothes to wear while lying sideways on Hye 's bed . Hye nodded feeling slightly sorry that she doubted JaeJoong . She walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind her . She wasn 't trying to be quick about her bath and had took about 45 minutes . She stepped out of her bathroom , all ready , only to find JaeJoong gone . Hye pushed herself away from him and wiped off her tears . She was slightly angry . She totally ignored JaeJoong , picked up her bag and head of downstairs . Her mother was sitting at the sofa in front of the TV , folding clothes . " Alright ! Alright . I shadn 't tease you then . " JaeJoong had put both his hands in front of his chest in case Hye would hit him . JaeJoong followed behind Hye as she walked down the long passage to where the bus stop is . A route that he felt so familar walking down the same path for since he was with Hye . But it was a different feeling today . He had purposely chose to walk behind Hye and Hye had turned back several times to urge him to walk beside her but he ignored it and urged that she should just walk ahead . He liked walking behind her , staring at her back . That kind of feeling felt so familar . It has happened before . He liked how it is now . He liked the fact that Hye loves him and how glad he was that he found Hye . Although he regretted that he had found her only after he was dead . He loves Hye . He remembered how much he loved her and how much he loves her now . But , Hye only remembered who Kim JaeJoong was . What is the past that Hye and JaeJoong shared in the past ? What was the flashback that JaeJoong had when he realized that he was going to die . What could a ghost - human relationship come to ? For the next couple of days , Hye remained very silent . There were a lot of things weighing on her mind . Seo knew what was it and she was wise to choose not to speak of it . JaeJoong kept following them around wherever they go . Seo was irritated but she couldn 't show it lest Hye realized she was irritated and start to question about it . Mom and Dad did notice the change in the girls and they questioned Seo about it but Seo eased their mind with her own logic . " I 'm not alone . We 're not alone . " Hye paused for a moment before she continued , " You said before that he 's here for me . He 's following me around , isn 't he ? " " Seo ! Seo ! Seo ! This is not the bus home . Why is she taking the bus ? Why are you taking it with her ? She shouldn 't take the bus . You 're supposed to walk home ! " JaeJoong was talking non - stop as soon as Hye settled herself down on a window seat and Seo went to settle down beside her . JaeJoong sat on a single seat that was in front of them . That night , Hye went online after dinner to search about all the possibilities . JaeJoong was watching her doing that . He couldn 't do anything to stop her . There was nothing that he could do except for the fact that he existed yet Hye was unable to see him . " I know you 're around , Oppa . " Hye started after she got tired of searching on the website . None of the results that came out satisfied her curiousity . " I know you know every single moment of mine . But I don 't see you . I don 't feel you . I don 't hear you . " Hye was trying very hard to calm her voice . " Why is it that you 're related to me yet I can 't see you but Seo can ? Can she even hear you ? Or perhaps even feel you ? " " I don 't know about all these either . But it seems only Seo is able to see me so far . I didn 't come here to upset you . " " Oppa … Won 't you say something ? I think I 'm crazy trying to speak to someone I don 't even see or feel . " It was getting harder to try to control Hye 's emotions now . She placed her legs in front of her chest and rested her head on her knees . It was at this moment that Hye started to tear up so badly . She was crying so hard in silent that it hurt JaeJoong so much . He started to pace around the room . He thought about finding Seo . But she wasn 't the best person to approach now . He tried to think of ways to console Hye but there was nothing that he could do ; she can 't see him , can 't feel him and can 't hear him . " Hye ! Hye ! It 's me ! Kim JaeJoong ! I 'm here ! Can you hear me ? ! " JaeJoong was screaming at the top of his voice . " Why can 't there be something done about this ? ! How can I stop you from crying ? What could I do to stop you from being upset ? " He paced around the room more and he tried to approach Hye but he didn 't touch her . He was watching over her tearing up so badly but there was nothing that could be done to stop that . He hated himself for being so useless . Hye was weeping so badly that her throat ran dry and she was starting to cough . JaeJoong moved to stand behind her wanting to give her a pat on her back . He tried . It failed . Hye continued to weep and cough . JaeJoong moved to stand on her right and that was the same time when Hye stood up , wanting to move to her bed . " What is that for ? " Hye questioned herself . She wiped her eyes that have been blurred by tears . Her vision didn 't quite come through . She picked a few pieces of the tissue off the tissue box and cleaned it such that her eyes became dry . Hye went totally quiet and she stared blankly at the space in front of her . JaeJoong turned around to see if there was anything behind him . There was none . He walked towards the door and tried to listen for footsteps . No one was approaching . He was worried that Seo would jump in any moment . The clock hit 12midnight . JaeJoong stared up at Hye , looking at her face , into her eyes . He went to stand at the opposite side of the bed . Hye was moving herself away from her table and towards her side of the bed . JaeJoong noticed her eyes . Hye tried to set her focus . She sat down on her bed and tucked herself into the blanket . JaeJoong stood still and watched her as she did . She didn 't speak again . " There are a lot of things I want to know . What does Seo means when she said we 're related ? Why are you dead yet you 're here ? How did you come to know about me ? How did you manage to find me here ? How was it possible that … " " I 'm sorry … It 's just that I 've wanted to know all these and I get to see you now . This could be my only chance and I need to know about all these . I think I 'm going crazy . And what about … " There were a lot of questions that she had to clear . There wasn 't time . She didn 't know when JaeJoong would disappear on her again . She didn 't want to waste a moment sleeping away . She wasn 't allowing him to disappear on her . There was no certainty because JaeJoong have no idea either if Hye would be able to continuously be able to see him , hear him and feel him or is there a time limit for all these . Hye stayed up the whole night and cleared her doubts . But there was one doubt which she had no answer to . JaeJoong did not have the answer either . They could only wait ; wait for dawn to break . What will happen when the sun rises ? Check it out Part 8 : I will protect you … . Comment [ FanFic ] Part 6 : You found me first before . It 's my turn now . That night , Hye did not sleep well . She was very certain that she had dreamed about something a lot but she wasn 't able to remember it after she woke up . It was bothering her because it was something important yet she didn 't manage to remember it . She was sulky the whole morning and was not in her usual self . Seo felt so frustrated that she ran in front of Hye and looked her right into her eyes . " What 's wrong ? " She asked being concerned but she sounded slightly pissed . Hye isn 't someone who would keep anything from Seo . And there was something else that annoyed Seo . He has been following Hye around in their house the whole morning and now , even when Hye is out in the streets . " Hye ~ something must be going on in your mind . Tell me ! You 're not even bringing Luis for a walk today . " Seo glanced over Hye 's shoulders , at him . He gave Seo the what - did - I - do expression and tried to avoid eye contact . Seo ignored that and walked along with Hye . Seo tried to keep quiet but Hye 's actions just bothered her too much for her to remain silent for long . " Seo , why are you so noisy today ? " Hye sounded slight frustrated . She turned and look at her sister . Hye don 't know if she should be telling all that to Seo . As she walked , she realized that she reached the park near their house . She took a seat at one of the benches and Seo settled down beside her . He was with them all this while . " I had a dream last night . A weird dream . As I remembered , it lasted very long . I dreamed about a face . But it was very blurred I can 't tell who he was . We were very close … like lovers maybe ? " Hye turned and looked at her Seo 's face . Seo urged her to carry on . " I don 't know … I can 't really remember … All I know was the person in my dream … He 's someone who I liked a lot … But I don 't have … " Hye and Seo sat there for a moment enjoying the bask while Hye clears her mind . He moved to seat in the shade near the tree opposite where the girls are seated . Seo continued to glare at him . That very night , Hye had the same dream again . Kim JaeJoong was in the room with her . He come to know what the dream was all about and who was the one who caused it . But it wasn 't really within his control . He sat there , beside Hye , watching her as she slept and as she dreamed about them being together . He moved forward to touch her on the face . She felt warm . Some intense feeling went through Kim JaeJoong and he removed his hand from her face . Another flashback . He had seen something that he shouldn 't . " I don 't … " Hye was trying to think back about the unusual things that she sometimes see . The unusual that she doesn 't talk to Seo about it . " How long has he been here ? Why is he here ? Who is it that he 's looking for ? How did he come to our house ? " Hye was just shooting all questions that came to her mind at Seo and at Kim JaeJoong . She had come to know . Her reaction wasn 't that of what Seo had imagined . And of course , Kim JaeJoong wouldn 't know that she would had reacted so . She wasn 't able to see him in his original form anyways . " Hye … I 'll tell you what you want to know . What I 've come to realize . Let 's go inside before we wake up mom and dad . " Seo tucked Hye into her bed and settled down beside her while she sat beside her , tucked into the blankets . Kim JaeJoong was standing up and looking down at the two of them . Seo was hoping that he could have seated down so he wouldn 't irritate her further . It was like the start of a Q & A . " She shouldn 't be asking all these . And you shouldn 't be telling her all these . " Kim JaeJoong was interrupting them . But it was only Seo who could hear him clearly and she has chose to totally ignored him . Kim JaeJoong sat down , crossed arm on the floor as Seo continued to stare at Hye . He was mad … But he wasn 't mad at Hye or Seo . He was mad at something else that he couldn 't exactly tell what it was . " I don 't know . I have … I can 't … I don 't know … " Hye started to cry and she went to hide under her blankets . Has Seo told Hye too many things ? So much that Hye shouldn 't even know ? Will Hye eventually be able to see him as what she wanted ? How was it that she would be able to see him ? Would Seo be approving about all these ? Seo left Hye 's room when dawn broke that morning . She kept trying to figure out what was it that she felt the previous night that kept her awake the whole night . She felt the need to be stronger so she could protect Hye . Hye didn 't leave her room at all that day and Seo was very worried that Hye is taking the matter in too hard but she also knew that nothing she say will get into the brains of Hye 's . Seo went into Hye 's room from time to time to check on Hye but she didn 't move an inch . Seo was frustrated after several tries and she went to pull Hye out of bed only she realized Hye was running a fever . Freaked out , she called their family doctor . Seo cooked something light for Hye and fed her medicine . That night , Seo slept by Hye 's bed side . Hye was sick for continuously two days . Hye felt better on the third night and was awake in the middle of the night . She saw Seo sleeping beside her bed and tired to get off bed with cautious . Hye went to open the door only to see something running away from her door . Freaked out , she let out a scream . Hye 's scream woke Seo and Seo ran towards her sister . Seo went to check around the house but didn 't notice anything unsual . She couldn 't find anything unusual because that object had went to hid behind the kitchen . Feeling unsafe to leave Hye alone , Seo went back up . " There was nothing there . " Seo assured Hye but was unsure about that fact . She didn 't show that on her face ; afraid to freak Hye out . But Seo was determined to find out exactly what that was . " There 's nothing . Now , why are you awake at this hour ? Are you feeling any better ? " Seo asked gently as she moved her hand to touch Hye 's forehead . " Seems like you 're not having any fever anymore . " " Yeah . I don 't know how to explain it . Just light feeling . Maybe because of the fever , I was feeling heavy the last couple of days . " Seo went down to the kitchen and also to check around the house once more . She wasn 't able to detect anything special . She made it quick and ran back upstairs , made sure Hye finished her milk and tugged her under her blackets . Next day , Hye was feeling all better and insisted that she would go back to work the following day . Their parents wanted Hye to rest more but Seo assured them that Hye would be alright . But the fact was , Seo didn 't want Hye to be staying in the house whole day . Seo drove Hye to work and back home for the next couple of days . Nothing special happened the next couple of days . Seo was in fact worried about Hye because her reaction at the hospital and after she came back home was totally different . Hye didn 't even bothered with reading the news about it nor did Seo see Hye searching on the internet about it . Being Hye 's sister , Seo was extremely worried for Hye but she wouldn 't ask Hye directly . Hye looked like she was braine washed and her no recollection about the incident . " Had the shock been too big ? " was what Seo was worried about . That night , Seo had a lot of work to clear so she brought them home . She could have done it in the office but felt the need to keep Hye company . During times like these , Seo would really be a nice sister to have . Seo was working deep into the night when she thought she heard some noise . She dropped everything and went towards Hye 's room to check on her . She was shocked to see what she had found walking outside Hye 's door . She approached the figure . The figure sensed her and tried running away . " Don 't try to run ! " Seo raised her voice slightly . " What are you ? I know you 've been here couple of days now . What do you want from Hye ? " She spoke to the back of the figure . The figure refused to turn so Seo had no choice but to take a closer look . She saw someone she knew . " I don 't believe my sister know you . " Seo wasn 't convinced but it didn 't seemed like a lie to her . Everything was so puzzling . " Talking to ? I wasn 't talking . " Seo was trying to confuse Hye by denying . " Go back to sleep . It 's only 3am . " Hye rubbed her eyes , noded and went back to her bed . After checking that Hye went back to sleep , Seo went back to her working desk . She lost all her concentration . " Life after death . What was that about ? " Seo was very curious about it so she tried to do a search online and out came many results . She read through most of them which made her even more confused because there were so many different theories so she had no idea which was true . She was determined to find out . Seo , she was over protective for Hye so rather than having fear that night , she felt more courage in her . It wasn 't the first time tht she had seen things that didn 't existed . She had seen her grandfather after he had passed away or sometimes when they go to attend funerals , she 'd see or sense things . These didn 't bother her at all . She wasn 't ready to accept things as she had seens and neither did she have anyone she could ask . Looking at the direction that Seo was staring at , she said , " No matter who you are . Or no matter what you are . I can 't see a single thing . But don 't you dare bother Seo . " Seo was shocked at Hye 's statement because it was the first time that Seo had seen Hye acting this way . Altough it wasn 't the first time that Seo had seen things , Seo was certain that Hye wasn 't able to see or sense what she was always able to . Seo was sure that Hye was different from her . Seo had no idea how to react to this issue because she had no idea what he meant by " I am here for her . " and " … relationship we shared before . " Seo was feeling very uneasy about it but she couldn 't show it on her face to get Hye suspicious . Seo had come to know that she was able to see things after her grandfather 's death when she was young but she had always thought that she was the only one who see them and if she figured if she had no reaction to that , no body would find out eventually . Hye , she had no idea who Seo was talking to but she knew that something was there . She wasn 't able to see anything but she was able to sense something . What Seo didn 't know about Hye was , although Seo was able to see things , Hye was able to sense them . But because of Hye 's cheerful personality , she didn 't show it at all . What Hye didn 't know was that she was actually staring at the person she had loved , loves and will love - Kim Jae Joong . Will Seo tell Hye that Kim Jae Joong was actually there that night ? Or would Kim Jae Joong tell Hye personally ? Or will Hye be able to find out about it herself eventually ? Will Hye ever get to know about it and will she ever get to meet Kim Jae Joong ? |
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