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55eee2ad21fbadd9096d0c3a | I'm transgender. I want help and I need help. | null | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-transgender-i-want-help-and-i-need-help | LGBTQ | Lola Georg | https://counselchat.com/therapists/lola-georg | <p>It's courageous to seek help, and I applaud you. Here is a great guide from Forge Forward: https://forge-forward.org/wp-content/docs/Lets-Talk-Therapist-Guide.pdf. It is about seeking help through therapy; however, they also have a listing of trans support groups throughout the US, which you can find here: http://forge-forward.org/directories/listing/. I would start by connecting with a local organization that can guide you to support groups, and trans-affirming counselors. You are not alone. There are people out there willing and able to help.</p> | 0 |
577d5a227fe85f1465e20056 | How can I help my husband after a suicide attempt? | After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-help-my-husband-after-a-suicide-attempt | Marriage,Depression,Self-harm | Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, DCC, CCTP | https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-dcc-cctp | <p>The fact that you're reaching out for help here is really helpful.</p><p>The first thing I would suggest is that you consider seeing a local mental health professional yourself to be able to talk about the details, how this is affecting you, and how you can hold onto you are while also being supportive to you husband.</p><p>From the way that you describe this, I wonder what has changed since coming home from the hospital. Perhaps you can have a conversation with your husband this and mention that you are asking him questions to learn more about his experience and you can discuss how you notice that things were going much better when he came home from the hospital, and now things are not as good. Perhaps he can tell you about what is different so that you may know him would be most helpful to him.</p><p>I also hope that you husband is still continuing with his own treatment.</p><p>There may also be a local peer support telephone number for the county that you live in that they be able to help you determine whether your husband needs more immediate treatment if he is feeling hopeless again. There are national crisis telephone numbers listed below as well.</p> | 0 |
566a400f9f3a71de09b3c101 | Is it appropriate to give my counselor a bottle of wine for Christmas? | I am an international student, and it is my first semester in graduate school in the United States. I faced a cultural shock, and I was so depressed when I arrived here. My counselor in the university was my savior. He helped me a great deal. Now I am going back to my country for a vacation. I was thinking to get him something special with my country's name on it, and I remembered that he likes wine. My country is known for that. Is it appropriate to give him wine as a gift after Christmas? | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-appropriate-to-give-my-counselor-a-bottle-of-wine-for-christmas | Professional Ethics | Lola Georg | https://counselchat.com/therapists/lola-georg | <p>I don't think it's appropriate to give your counselor a bottle of wine. Your counselor helped you and supported you, which is great, But a gift is inappropriate. I can understand that you want to show your gratitude. There are many other ways to do that. You could drop your counselor a note or card, thank him in person, or tell him how much he helped you. These small gestures can be very meaningful for both of you. </p> | 0 |
557a0f0ca9732755160c6ab9 | How can I see my base doctor without my ID? | I need to get on base to see my doctor. My ID card was in my wallet which was stolen. I’m unable to reach my husband at this time. He is only one who can take me on base in order to get a new ID so I can continue to see doctor. Is there anything I can do? | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-see-my-base-doctor-without-my-id | Military Issues | Eric Ström, JD, MA, LMHC | https://counselchat.com/therapists/eric-str-m-jd-ma-lmhc | <p>You should be able to get a replacement ID card either from the Personnel Office on your local base (the actual name of this office will vary depending on which branch of the military it is). You may also be required to go to the Military Police or Security office on base to report the loss of your old ID card.</p> | 0 |
57799c9772f4321a37b64221 | Is it normal to cry during therapy? | I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about? | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-normal-to-cry-during-therapy | Anxiety,Counseling Fundamentals | Lola Georg | https://counselchat.com/therapists/lola-georg | <p>Please do not worry about crying. People cry, laugh, rage, rant, and talk during counseling sessions. Part of the therapy process is to look at your feelings, and to feel what you are actually feeling (instead of what you think you should feel). So if you need to cry, that's ok. If you feel embarrassed because you cried, or if you feel anxious that you might cry, well those feelings are ok as well. Your counselor can help you manage your feelings so that you can attain your goals, and your counseling session is the perfect place for that.</p> | 0 |
57799c9772f4321a37b64221 | Is it normal to cry during therapy? | I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about? | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-normal-to-cry-during-therapy | Anxiety,Counseling Fundamentals | Sue Bates | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sue-bates-2 | <p>Oh, crying in therapy is very normal! I have a stack of kleenex boxes in my office. Cry away, therapist are very used to it:) First time being in therapy is scary, but you'll soon know if you are a good match. </p><p><br></p> | 0 |
57799c9772f4321a37b64221 | Is it normal to cry during therapy? | I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about? | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-normal-to-cry-during-therapy | Anxiety,Counseling Fundamentals | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>Please feel free to cry during therapy if you suddenly feel painful emotions arising when you describe some of your unsatisfying and unfulfilling relationships and situations.</p><p>Crying when realizing the emotional hurt and unfairness between you and someone, clears you for new ways of handling interactions.</p><p>As a therapist, I always have a box of tissues on the table next to the couch where people who utilize my therapy, sit.</p><p>I hope you will soon discover that once your tears unlock your awareness of harmful relationships in your life, you will quickly see the freedom to establish new and happier patterns of relating.</p><p>Have a good therapy!</p> | 0 |
57799c9772f4321a37b64221 | Is it normal to cry during therapy? | I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about? | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-normal-to-cry-during-therapy | Anxiety,Counseling Fundamentals | Miriam Dyak | https://counselchat.com/therapists/miriam-dyak | <p>People do cry in therapy sometimes, but it's not at all necessary to cry in order for most kinds of therapy to be helpful. When you start counseling you don't yet know your counselor very well, so it's normal to keep your feelings in check until you feel comfortable and a bit more relaxed with your counselor and with the situation. Sometimes, though, there are emotions that have been waiting and waiting to finally find someone who will listen with a kind ear. If you feel safe right away in the situation with your counselor, you might just cry in spite of your fears about it. Your therapist is used to people expressing how they feel and will keep strict confidentiality, so even though it's embarrassing, finally experiencing someone truly listening with empathy and kindness may just be worth it. It's okay too to let your counselor know right at the beginning that you're kind of freaked out about getting too emotional in front of another person.</p> | 0 |
5773e438b9ff751f196e8df0 | I'm worried about my new job. | I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job.
People keep telling me I have "anxiety" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-worried-about-my-new-job | Anxiety,Career Counseling | Cimberly R. Nesker | https://counselchat.com/therapists/cimberly-r-nesker | Anxiety can cause such a feeling of discomfort in our bodies that it can seem unbearable. The concern that I can hear in what you have written is that the thought of having some anxiety has now left you uncomfortable with any anxiety at all - and that can become a problem, indeed. <div><br></div><div>As opposed to thinking about your anxiety as something much bigger than you, it could be helpful to start breaking it down. What are the things specifically that cause you anxiety about this new job? Is it being away from your family? If so, why? </div><div><br></div><div>Once you start breaking down what causes you to feel anxiety into smaller "mouthfuls", then we are far better able to understand what has led to discomfort and start to problem solve the issue. </div><div><br></div> | 0 |
55e2686eae458abc371e078c | How do I quit letting little things bother me and be the mom that my kids deserve? | null | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-quit-letting-little-things-bother-me-and-be-the-mom-that-my-kids-deserve | Parenting | Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, DCC, CCTP | https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-dcc-cctp | <p>Well, my first question was whether these are truly little things or things you really think the attention.</p><p>If they're really small things that you actually want to let go, try looking at it on a continuum of things that really get attention (or correction) and things that really don't – and everywhere in between. Looking at this on a scale 1 to 10 or 1 to 100 may be helpful.</p><p>Another thing to do is consider trying to look at the world through their eyes. You may have a better way of explaining things so that they learn from the correction that you try to give them rather than repeating yourself.</p><p>Also recall that parenting working always have what they're looking for (permissive) is not usually helpful, just as the middle ground (authoritative) is better than very strict (authoritarian), according to most research.</p><p>You could also consider coming up with some affirming phrases for yourself, such as "it's okay for this to happen" or "I know they're not always going to get it right" or "I know that I can't always make them change overnight."</p><p>This can be a really tricky balance to find and I recommend seeing a local mental health professional if increased awareness of different levels is not helpful to you.</p> | 0 |
5776119072f4321a37b641c4 | Is screaming and cussing at your child considered emotional abuse? | My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse? | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-screaming-and-cussing-at-your-child-considered-emotional-abuse | Legal & Regulatory,Parenting,Family Conflict | Eric Ström, JD, MA, LMHC | https://counselchat.com/therapists/eric-str-m-jd-ma-lmhc | <p>I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this.</p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">It's a little difficult to answer your question because the laws that define child abuse are different from state to state. But usually, things like what you describe your dad is doing are not considered to be child abuse.</span></p><p>The more important thing is how you feel about what is going on. It sounds like this is really bothering you.</p><p>If you don't think you can talk to your dad about how you feel, you might want to try talking to another adult you trust (like a family member or teacher). They may be able to help you figure out some ways to communicate with your dad.</p><p>I think you might feel better if you can talk to someone about how your are feeling.</p> | 0 |
577d5a227fe85f1465e20056 | How can I help my husband after a suicide attempt? | After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-help-my-husband-after-a-suicide-attempt | Marriage,Depression,Self-harm | Lovener Wightman | https://counselchat.com/therapists/lovener-wightman | <div style="color: rgb(52, 52, 52); font-family: "helvetica neue", helvetica, helvetica; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18px; margin: 0em 0px;">A failed suicide attempt is commonly thought of as a “cry for help,” however it can also be a serious attempt to find a permanent solution to depression, hopelessness or other feelings a person feels are unbearable. It’s wonderful that you want to support your husband, but If your husband is feeling depressed and hopeless, you can best help him by getting him to a mental health professional. Feelings of hopelessness and depression, and previous attempts at suicide are all risk factors for future suicide attempts. </div><div style="color: rgb(52, 52, 52); font-family: "helvetica neue", helvetica, helvetica; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18px; margin: 0em 0px;"><br></div><div style="color: rgb(52, 52, 52); font-family: "helvetica neue", helvetica, helvetica; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18px; margin: 0em 0px;">With a mental health professional, or in the emergency room of a hospital, your husband should be evaluated for suicidal thoughts, intent and plan, and if he is a danger to himself he should probably be hospitalized again until he is stable. Without knowing the particulars, your husband may suffer from Major Depressive Disorder or some other illness on the depressive spectrum. In that case medication could help him immensely, at which point you can offer your support and encouragement him to practice gentle self-care. And do not forget to practice it for yourself. Remember: a suicide attempt not only affects the person, but it is an immense stressor for his or her loved ones as well. As they say, “put your oxygen mask on first.” Then you will be better able to provide your husband with calm and loving care and attention.</div><div style="color: rgb(52, 52, 52); font-family: "helvetica neue", helvetica, helvetica; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18px; margin: 0em 0px;"><br></div><div style="color: rgb(52, 52, 52); font-family: "helvetica neue", helvetica, helvetica; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18px; margin: 0em 0px;"><br></div><div><div style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: normal; text-align: -webkit-auto; word-wrap: break-word;"><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto; word-wrap: break-word;"><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto; word-wrap: break-word;"><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto; word-wrap: break-word;"><div style="font-size: 12.8px; text-align: -webkit-auto; word-wrap: break-word;"><span style="font-size: 11px;">Kayla Schwartz, LMSW</span></div><div style="font-size: 12.8px; text-align: -webkit-auto; word-wrap: break-word;"><span style="font-size: 11px;"><a href="mailto:[email protected]" target="_blank" style="color: rgb(17, 85, 204);">[email protected]</a></span></div><div><br></div></div></div></div></div></div> | 0 |
5776119072f4321a37b641c4 | Is screaming and cussing at your child considered emotional abuse? | My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse? | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-screaming-and-cussing-at-your-child-considered-emotional-abuse | Legal & Regulatory,Parenting,Family Conflict | Lola Georg | https://counselchat.com/therapists/lola-georg | <p>Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. Having said that, everyone gets upset once in awhile and may yell or scream, which can be disrespectful. You said "always, and I mean always" and that is troubling. If your dad curses and screams at you on a regular and consistent basis, it can (as you stated) impact the way you feel about yourself. </p><p>While the definitions of child abuse differ from state to state, talking to someone can help. Perhaps there is a counselor at school, or another trustworthy person you could confide in to help you understand how this situation is impacting you? Counseling is a good option. </p><p>There is also help available through the national hotline at <span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: proxima-nova-alt, sans-serif;">1-800-422-4453, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You can call (press 1) and talk to a counselor while being anonymous. You can also check out this website: </span>https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/resources-kids/</p><p>I am sorry that you are going though this situation. There is help available. You do not have to go through this situation alone.</p> | 0 |
5775c7b072f4321a37b641c2 | I over endulge when I drink alcohol and feel extremely guilty about it the next day. | I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk.
In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol.
But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-over-endulge-when-i-drink-alcohol-and-feel-extremely-guilty-about-it-the-next-day | Substance Abuse,Social Relationships | Lola Georg | https://counselchat.com/therapists/lola-georg | <p>The short answer is yes - if you feel 'really guilty after a night of drinking', then you probably have a problem. What you could do is visit this website by the National Institutes of Health: http://rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov/How-much-is-too-much/ There you will find information on how many drinks is too much, and the general answer for women is more than seven drinks in a week. There is also a quiz you can take anonymously that will help you determine if your drinking is a problem. The good news is that you can get help for substance abuse through counseling, self-help programs, or alcoholics anonymous. </p> | 0 |
577d5a227fe85f1465e20056 | How can I help my husband after a suicide attempt? | After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-help-my-husband-after-a-suicide-attempt | Marriage,Depression,Self-harm | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>I appreciate that you are concerned about your husband's emotions and want to support him as best you can right now. I imagine that you must be going through your own difficult time too. You've had a complicated shock and trauma in your life and in your marriage; it's normal for both of your emotions to move from hope to despair to fear, anger, gratitude... there is no wrong way to feel and there is no particular pattern your emotions or his will follow. </p><p>Try not to assume what he is feeling but ask him instead. "How are you doing today?" is something that can be asked over and over again and your love and compassion for him will come through. If he has a hard time talking, you can share your observations. "I notice you're more withdrawn. This worries me." Certainly it will help you if you know what he's thinking and feeling because he hid his intentions to hurt himself. It's normal that you want to know. </p><p>If there is depression and hopelessness, this likely was part of what led to his initial despair. There is help out there. Depression is treatable, and seeking that treatment is important right now at this vulnerable time. This is the kind of complex situation that can be assisted by a therapist who is qualified to help you both understand and manage your emotions. Whether your husband seeks help or not, I hope that you do. </p> | 0 |
57735acab9ff751f196e8deb | I am very self conscious about my body. | On the first day of school I wore a bra that was too big so that it would look like I had bigger boobs. I did that the whole school year and my parents never found out. But now I can never hang out with my friends at my house or invite them over because it would be around my parents and my friends would see there is nothing there on my chest.
How do I fix this? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-am-very-self-conscious-about-my-body | Self-esteem,Social Relationships | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>I get how you feel; you wish your body looked different and you're embarrassed that you tried to make it look different and people may notice. </p><p>You don't say how old you are. It's likely that, if you are young, your body will change as you mature, but in general, we're given the bodies we're given and I'm glad to see that there may be a desire in you to accept your body the way it is. You seem to want to stop disguising it. Bodies come in all shapes and sizes and every woman knows how it feels to struggle with accepting what her's looks like. Many men go through this as well, although women are more often targeted with cultural messages about how we're supposed to look. </p><p>Young people often believe that others are noticing and judging them. In fact, other people are far more preoccupied with who might be judging them than whatever's going on with you. </p><p>I suggest you wear whatever bra you want to wear, and if someone is rude enough to comment on it, you can ignore them and talk about the weather or the latest pop song that you love and they'll get the hint. But my bet is they won't even notice. :)</p> | 0 |
569d6905de405677109cb5cf | I'm attracted to my boss. | I've been suppressing it for quite some time, but there are days when I can't make eye contact with her. I think she knows, and we both admitted there was some type of vibe, but the overall discussion was vague. I think she could possibly be dating someone that works with us. It's driving me crazy. As an act of expression, I have purchased a gift for her that's personalized. I haven't given it to her yet. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-attracted-to-my-boss | Relationships,Workplace Relationships | Lola Georg | https://counselchat.com/therapists/lola-georg | <p>Human attractions can be tricky things, and in this case - a power dynamic. In the workplace, a boss usually has the power to hire, fire, set schedules, approve vacations, and evaluate performance. Because of this power dynamic, most employee handbooks expressly forbid supervisors and their direct employees being in a romantic relationship. Perhaps you should check your employee handbook. It is possible that if you or your supervisor act on your feelings, one of you might have to be reassigned, or if no reassignment is available, asked to resign. While you may be attracted to your boss, and your feelings may be strong, it might be in your best interests to resist acting upon them. </p> | 0 |
5776119072f4321a37b641c4 | Is screaming and cussing at your child considered emotional abuse? | My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse? | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-screaming-and-cussing-at-your-child-considered-emotional-abuse | Legal & Regulatory,Parenting,Family Conflict | Peggy Phipps, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/peggy-phipps-lcsw | <p>Yes, this emotional abuse. There is no abuse without emotional abuse. His abuse is demeaning and can have lasting negative impact on your perspective of your self and people around you. Please find someone support to talk to. </p> | 0 |
57749ac5c8c3e0180cffa1f2 | I did something I can't get over. | I was with my friends fishing by a pond. I found a frog and stabbed it with my friend's knife. I'm not sure why I did it. My friends saw me do it it and were shocked and got really mad at me.
Now if someone brings it up I get really upset and panicked. I don't know why I feel like this. Does this mean there is something wrong with me? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-did-something-i-can-t-get-over | Behavioral Change,Social Relationships | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>The good news is your awareness that being violent to animals feels out of character for you. </p><p>I'm glad you have awareness and I'm glad you are not at ease with killing frogs.</p><p>Fairly likely that you were acting out aggressively toward the frog, feelings of being on the receiving side of similar type of violence.</p><p>Basically, you did unto the frog what someone has or to you, feels like, has been done to you.</p><p>Use your surprising finding of how strong your anger and most likely inward pain. Reflect on your closest relationships and how these people treat you. It is possible you feel more hurt by someone who is close to you than you ever realized.</p><p>Stabbing innocent frogs is wrong. It is understandable as a way to show you how much inner pain you probably have.</p><p>It is also wrong that someone close to you hurt you.</p><p>The direction to go is to recognize your pain and then decide how to go about changing what is possible on your side of that or those relationship(s).</p> | 0 |
55e2686eae458abc371e078c | How do I quit letting little things bother me and be the mom that my kids deserve? | null | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-quit-letting-little-things-bother-me-and-be-the-mom-that-my-kids-deserve | Parenting | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>What you call "little things" may only seem little in general and to you are quite meaningful, either in fact or because the little things represent much more serious matters in your life.</p><p>Take your own feelings seriously.</p><p>Track the timeline of what is going on around the time you feel bothered by little things. Also notice how you're feeling around the time you're feeling bothered.</p><p>These two indicators may show you patterns of when and to what you are especially sensitive.</p><p>For example, if you usually feel bothered at the end of a pressured day then take care to arrange as far as possible, relatively unstimulated and quiet surroundings around this sensitive time.</p><p>If your kids are of the age at which they have language skills, then you can also take some pressure off yourself and them by explaining your inner state of mind in general terms.</p><p>People, including kids, always do better with more information than not knowing what is going on in their lives.</p> | 0 |
5772372cb9ff751f196e8dc0 | I have long spurts of depression, anxiety, and need change constantly—why? | I'm depressed often, and my mind goes a million miles a minute. Every once in a while, things are okay for a few days. After a bit, I start noticing that I am picking at my skin profusely. After roughly a week, the anxiety is back and still picking. Sometimes I find myself causing fights to have change. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-have-long-spurts-of-depression-anxiety-and-need-change-constantly-why | Anxiety,Depression | Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC | https://counselchat.com/therapists/robin-landwehr-dbh-lpcc-ncc | <p>Hello, and thank you for your question. I am very sorry that you are struggling. I have a few thoughts and perhaps some of my colleagues will add something else. <br></p><p>Depression and anxiety can both be chronic conditions, as you have experienced. This means that they may always require treatment in order to have some kind of relief from them. Treatment could mean medication or some kind of counseling. Some people may take medication for the rest of their lives. Some people may go to counseling at times when the depression and anxiety worsens. <br></p><p>As you mentioned, sometimes the symptoms improve for a little while, but they can also come back. When they do, it is important to talk to your medical provider if you are getting medication, and/or to go back to your counselor and talk to them about the symptoms that have returned. <br></p><p>Skin picking and some other behaviors are not uncommon for people who are experiencing something like anxiety. Many people report that they do this when they feel anxious, and some say it calms them down. It is not really a surprise that you are constantly trying to change things and even starting fights to do so. These are ways to try to avoid, escape and distract yourself from the feelings of anxiety and depression. That is a very normal thing to do. Nobody likes these feelings, and so distraction is something we naturally try in order to get rid of them. <br></p><p>The problem is that things like distraction and escape do not work as a long-term solution. In fact, they usually make things worse for many different reasons. <br></p><p>Depression and anxiety can be treated, but it is likely something you will need some help with. I would recommend finding a counselor who has experience with anxiety and depression. Medication can be helpful, but I still recommend counseling. The reason for this is that the medication can help with symptoms, while the counseling can address the symptoms and provide you with very helpful skills. <br></p><p>Be well,</p><p>Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC <br></p> | 0 |
577d98db7fe85f1465e2005a | My boyfriend does not do some sexual things with me that he has done with other people. | My boyfriend won't touch me intimately, he won't kiss me while we are having sex and he won't have oral sex with me. I know he has done this things with other women in the past. I don't know why he won't do them with me. What should I do? | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-boyfriend-does-not-do-some-sexual-things-with-me-that-he-has-done-with-other-people | Human Sexuality,Intimacy | Tamara Powell | https://counselchat.com/therapists/tamara-powell | <p>First off, don't blame yourself or be too quick to jump to any scary conclusions. Human sexuality can be incredibly <span style="font-weight: bold;">complex</span> at times (e.g., what turns us on at one time may not be what turns us on the next time). <br><br>There could actually be a number of things going on including him having performance anxiety...maybe he had a bad experience with a previous partner that's left him scared to try again (we call this operant conditioning). <br><br>It could also be that he puts you in a different category than previous lovers. Sometimes I refer to this as the "hooker-housewife mentality" where a partner somehow gets the idea that when we truly fall in love, we treat that one differently; almost up on a pedestal. Drives many partners crazy until they're aware that this is going on and give their boyfriend/ girlfriend permission to enjoy both the naughty and the nice with them. <br><br>It could also be that he's not even aware that he's not doing these things. If you haven't asked him yet, you might try gently approaching the subject when you're not already in the bedroom or trying to get in on and inquire what he most enjoys about sex with you (or has enjoyed in the past, or thinks he might enjoy). You can also share your favorite highlights of sex with him. Give him an ego boost and tell him what he does well while then asking him if he'd be down to go downtown. "<span style="font-style: italic;">Baby, it REALLY turns me on when you kiss me during sex</span>."<br><br>If you continue to get the impression that it's somehow only about YOU or that he's just really hesitant to talk about sex in general, you might see if he'd be cool to chat with a counselor who specializes in sexual intimacy. <br><br><br></p> | 0 |
574feab3c792dd6c7063e584 | Why does my husband like dressing as a female in our bedroom? | He wants to wear makeup and heels. He even tucks his penis away to resemble a vagina. He wants me to wear a strap on and have anal sex with him. I have tried this for him, but I don’t like it and have told him so. He keeps making comments about it and says he can't live without it. | https://counselchat.com/questions/why-does-my-husband-like-dressing-as-a-female-in-our-bedroom | Marriage,Human Sexuality,LGBTQ | Tamara Powell | https://counselchat.com/therapists/tamara-powell | <p>Depending on your own sexual history and what you grew up expecting to be "normal" in the bedroom, I can easily imagine that this came as quite a shock to you! <br><br>It DOESN'T <span style="font-style: italic;">necessarily</span> mean, however that your husband is: gay, bisexual transgender, or even necessarily a cross-dresser etc. unless he has already told you so. I agree with the other poster who recommended you try and ask him more questions with an open and curious attitude and see if he might be open to explaining more with you. <br><br>That being said, what we also know from research is that frequently what turns us on isn't always what we identify as. Lots of people have fantasies or even sexual behaviors they may enjoy from time to time without considering themselves to be a part of any label or subculture. For example, many women are okay with having their hair pulled or bottom spanked during a particular rowdy sexual encounter but certainly don't consider themselves <span style="font-style: italic;">kinky, submissive</span>, or anything else. </p><p><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">It could be that your husband enjoys pretending/ fantasizing that he is something completely different in the bedroom from time to time from what most other see him as outside in the corporate world or in other roles he plays as husband, father, son, friend etc. Many of my kink clients are drawn to their particular fetish simply because it's the opposite of what their life typically entails (e.g., a high profile CEO who is always responsible for making the decisions enjoys being at "the mercy" of someone else once a week). </span></p><p><span style="text-indent: -24px; line-height: 1.42857;">Each of us has a </span><span style="text-indent: -24px; line-height: 1.42857; font-weight: bold;">sexual script</span><span style="text-indent: -24px; line-height: 1.42857;"> - a blueprint if you will of what we like and don't like in the bedroom and also what we have each come to see as being "normal." It's also an internal guideline for how we each define our role in sexual expression, sexual orientation, sexual behaviors, sexual desires, and how big a part our sexual identity plays in our everyday lives (Gagnon & Simon, 1973).</span></p><p><span style="text-indent: -24px; line-height: 1.42857;">You've been clued into the fact that your husbands greatly differs from yours on the surface level at the moment. </span><span style="line-height: 1.42857;"><br></span></p><p><span style="text-indent: -24px;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">ALL of us are sexual beings yet none of us is exactly identical to one another in our sexual definitions and script expectations. It's like our own sex fingerprint.</span> </span><span style="text-indent: -24px; line-height: 1.42857;"><br></span></p><p><span style="text-indent: -24px; line-height: 1.42857;">In my role as a couples counselor, I often help partners become aware of their own sexual script and explore where it overlaps their partners and where it may always differ. If a couple is able to successfully navigate formulating a plan for both to feel validated and sexually satisfied, the relationship thrives. </span></p><p><span style="text-indent: -24px; line-height: 1.42857;">Most counselors would agree that a healthy script includes:</span></p><ul><li><span style="text-indent: -24px; line-height: 1.42857;">Both partners taking ownership for the couple's sexual experiences.</span></li><li><span style="text-indent: -24px; line-height: 1.42857;">Both partners learning to communicate openly and honestly about their feelings.</span></li><li><span style="text-indent: -24px; line-height: 1.42857;">Both partners learning to meet one another's - needs, desires, and wishes while making sure his/her own needs are being met.</span></li></ul><p>If "pegging" your husband as it's called is a hard and fast no for you, that will likely need to be respected as it may be too far off your own sexual script. However, if your husband is for sure absolutely adamant about "needing" to dress in a female fashion and/or be anally penetrated, you may seek professional counseling to help navigate how both of you will come to an agreement about fulfilling these desires in a way that doesn't hurt either one of you or the marriage.</p><p>My warmest wishes to you both!</p> | 0 |
56bb65664e568f192e1bfb60 | My sexual partner wants me to reimburse him on a hotel room. | I was having a sexual relationship with a coworker. He decided he was going to get a hotel room for the weekend. Before I got paid, I told him I would have $25.00, which I thought I would. But when I saw my paycheck, I could not pay the $25.00. He says I lied to him about it. He wants me to reimburse him $25.00 for the hotel room he decided to get. He stayed at the hotel, and I left. I don't think it's right that he want me to reimburse him $25.00 for a hotel room he wanted to get in the first place. He is out of town right now and texted me yesterday telling me I am a liar and that I should never said I was going to have $25.00 when I knew I wasn't. I told him I had to pay rent and my rent was late. He texted me saying I need to get two or three jobs. | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-sexual-partner-wants-me-to-reimburse-him-on-a-hotel-room | Relationships,Workplace Relationships | Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC | https://counselchat.com/therapists/robin-landwehr-dbh-lpcc-ncc | Hello, and thank you for your question. It really is up to you to decide if you owe him the $25.00. If you feel like it is the right thing to do based on your discussion with him, then pay when you can. I am actually much more concerned with how he is treating you over $25.00. I know that it can be a lot of money if you don't have much, but that doesn't give someone the right to call you names and harass you through texts. You may want to take some time and think about your relationship and make sure that these are the qualities and behaviors you want in a sexual partner. <br><br>Be well,<br><br>Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC<br><p><br></p> | 0 |
5774ccf16e5d8fd6231b5d17 | My girlfriend is always accusing me of cheating on her when I haven't | Over a year ago I had a female friend. She turned out to be kind of crazy so I decided to stop talking to her. When she would call me I wouldn't answer the phone. This made my girlfriend really suspicious. She would ask me why I wouldn't ever answer that phone number. I told my girlfriend that I don't want to be friends with that other woman, but I don't think she believes me. How can I get my girlfriend to understand? | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-girlfriend-is-always-accusing-me-of-cheating-on-her-when-i-haven-t | Relationships,Social Relationships | Tamara Powell | https://counselchat.com/therapists/tamara-powell | <p>We women <span style="font-style: italic;">really do</span> tend to struggle with the comparison game. And Hollywood culture hasn't helped with romantic comedies and song lyrics telling us that when a man appears evasive, there's something to worry about. <br><span style="line-height: 1.42857;"><br></span></p><p><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">It's been my clinical experience though that most women value transparency and security in their relationships. So you might try sharing a little bit more about your history with this woman. For example:</span><br></p><ul><li>Where did you meet her?</li><li>How long were you friends before you decided to call it quits? </li><li>Why don't you want to be friends with her (i.e., what do you mean by "kind of crazy")? I promise this tends to matter to women.</li><li>Were you ever intimately involved with or even attracted to her?</li></ul><div><br></div><div>If your girlfriend can truly see that you view her as the filet mignon to the other woman's hamburger, and that she is your favorite person on the planet and has NOTHING to worry about, she may start to come around.<br><br>Now, IF she's more concerned that you might be taking this woman's calls behind your back, while I'm not typically a huge fan of sharing passwords or phone records, you might print them off and highlight this female's number and show your girlfriend that you absolutely are telling the truth.<br><br>And if you really want to step it up, I would be intentional about doing all the little things that you know your girlfriend loves that helped make her fall in love with you in the first place (e.g., little love notes for her to find or sweet text messages, buy a rose or her favorite flower, have her car detailed, do the laundry...date nights...you get the idea). <br><br><span style="font-weight: bold;">Bottom line</span> - show your girlfriend why out of all the women on the planet that you could be with, you CHOSE HER. And would continue to do so all over again. AND why you love HER as a person. This will help her trust what you're saying. <br><br>Best of luck to you! </div><div><br></div><div>Tamara Powell, LMHC</div> | 0 |
5776119072f4321a37b641c4 | Is screaming and cussing at your child considered emotional abuse? | My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse? | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-screaming-and-cussing-at-your-child-considered-emotional-abuse | Legal & Regulatory,Parenting,Family Conflict | Tamara Powell | https://counselchat.com/therapists/tamara-powell | <p>Oh my goodness, my heart goes out to you!! I pray you have other strong and supportive loved ones or friends surrounding you. If you are in school,<span style="font-style: italic;"> </span>please consider speaking with a counselor on site who can help give you some good coping mechanisms as well as other resources.</p><p><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">I believe m</span>ost therapists would agree that this type of behavior is indicative of emotional AND verbal abuse</span>. And quite often the two overlap because someone who is being yelled at and demeaned is also frequently having his/her emotions preyed upon as well. </p><p><br></p><div><span style="color: rgb(58, 58, 58); font-family: arial, helvetica, geneva, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><a href="http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/emotional-abuse-definitions-signs-symptoms-examples/" target="_blank">Healthy Place</a> offers us some great examples of <span style="font-style: italic;">emotional abuse</span> which certainly fit the criteria of what you describe:</span></div><div><span style="color: rgb(58, 58, 58); font-family: arial, helvetica, geneva, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br></span></div><div><div class="_yXc" style="padding: 0px 20px; color: rgb(34, 34, 34); font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 19.2px;"><ul class="_kYe" style="margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px;"><li class="_AXc" style="margin: 0px 0px 4px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; list-style-type: disc;">Yelling or swearing </li><li class="_AXc" style="margin: 0px 0px 4px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; list-style-type: disc;">Name calling or insults; mocking.</li><li class="_AXc" style="margin: 0px 0px 4px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; list-style-type: disc;">Threats and intimidation.</li><li class="_AXc" style="margin: 0px 0px 4px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; list-style-type: disc;">Ignoring or excluding.</li><li class="_AXc" style="margin: 0px 0px 4px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; list-style-type: disc;">Isolating.</li><li class="_AXc" style="margin: 0px 0px 4px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; list-style-type: disc;">Humiliating.</li><li class="_AXc" style="margin: 0px 0px 4px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; list-style-type: disc;">Denial of the abuse and blaming of the victim.</li></ul><div><br></div></div></div><p><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">And abuse survivor and author, </span><a href="http://verbalabusejournals.com/category/heal-from-abuse/" target="_blank" style="line-height: 1.42857; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">Kellie Jo Holly</a><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">, offers some other great examples of </span><a href="http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2011/09/examples-of-verbal-abuse/" target="_blank" style="line-height: 1.42857; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">verbal abuse</a><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">:</span><br></p><ul><li><h3 style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, Geneva, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 15.444px; color: rgb(14, 103, 147); margin: 0.83em 0px; font-size: 1.17em; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;">Emotionally Abusive Statements</h3><ul style="margin-top: 1.12em; margin-right: 0px; margin-left: 15px; padding: 0px 0px 5px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: 18px; font-family: arial, helvetica, geneva, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: disc; color: rgb(58, 58, 58);"><li style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: inherit; line-height: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;">You’re so cute when you try to concentrate! Look at you trying to think.</li><li style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: inherit; line-height: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;">I can’t believe I love a stupid jerk.</li><li style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: inherit; line-height: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;">Aw, come on, can’t you take a joke?</li></ul><h3 style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, Geneva, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 15.444px; color: rgb(14, 103, 147); margin: 0.83em 0px; font-size: 1.17em; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;">Sexually Abusive Statements</h3><ul style="margin-top: 1.12em; margin-right: 0px; margin-left: 15px; padding: 0px 0px 5px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: 18px; font-family: arial, helvetica, geneva, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: disc; color: rgb(58, 58, 58);"><li style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: inherit; line-height: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;">You should know how to please me by now.</li><li style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: inherit; line-height: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;">I hoped you were less experienced.</li><li style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: inherit; line-height: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;">Stop acting like a whore.</li></ul><h3 style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, Geneva, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 15.444px; color: rgb(14, 103, 147); margin: 0.83em 0px; font-size: 1.17em; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;">Financially Abusive Statements</h3><ul style="margin-top: 1.12em; margin-right: 0px; margin-left: 15px; padding: 0px 0px 5px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: 18px; font-family: arial, helvetica, geneva, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: disc; color: rgb(58, 58, 58);"><li style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: inherit; line-height: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;">You are going to nickel and dime me to death!</li><li style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: inherit; line-height: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;">In what world does buying that make sense?</li><li style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: inherit; line-height: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;">Fine. You handle your finances. Let me know when things go to hell.</li></ul><h3 style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, Geneva, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 15.444px; color: rgb(14, 103, 147); margin: 0.83em 0px; font-size: 1.17em; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;">Societally Abusive Statements</h3><ul style="margin-top: 1.12em; margin-right: 0px; margin-left: 15px; padding: 0px 0px 5px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: 18px; font-family: arial, helvetica, geneva, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: disc; color: rgb(58, 58, 58);"><li style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: inherit; line-height: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;">How dare you spread around our private business!</li><li style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: inherit; line-height: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;">Let me do the talking; people listen to men.</li><li style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: inherit; line-height: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;">You took a vow in front of God and everybody and I expect you to honor it!</li></ul><h3 style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, Geneva, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 15.444px; color: rgb(14, 103, 147); margin: 0.83em 0px; font-size: 1.17em; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;">Threatening and Intimidating Statements</h3><ul style="margin-top: 1.12em; margin-right: 0px; margin-left: 15px; padding: 0px 0px 5px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: 18px; font-family: arial, helvetica, geneva, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: disc; color: rgb(58, 58, 58);"><li style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: inherit; line-height: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;">If you don’t train that dog I’m going to rub your nose in its mess.</li><li style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: inherit; line-height: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;">I will take our kids if you leave me.</li><li style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: inherit; line-height: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;">You’re scared?! This isn’t angry! You will KNOW when I’m ANGRY!</li></ul><h3 style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, Geneva, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 15.444px; color: rgb(14, 103, 147); margin: 0.83em 0px; font-size: 1.17em; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;">Spiritually Abusive Statement</h3></li><ul style="margin-top: 1.12em; margin-right: 0px; margin-left: 15px; padding: 0px 0px 5px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: 18px; font-family: arial, helvetica, geneva, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: disc; color: rgb(58, 58, 58);"><li style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: inherit; line-height: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;">Keep your stupid beliefs to yourself.</li><li style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: inherit; line-height: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;">God will find a way to get you back, and it ain’t gonna be pretty.</li><li style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: inherit; line-height: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;">I can feel myself being pulled into hell just listening to your nonsense!</li></ul></ul><div><p>It's been my personal clinical experience that children who are experiencing the types of things you describe often say they feel misunderstood, lonely, or scared and don't want to make things worse by standing up for themselves. </p><p>Even if you feel you can't defend yourself outwardly, that doesn't mean your father's awful and toxic behavior is something you should ever internalize (i.e., believe to be true) which is why I hope you are surrounding yourself with people who will speak life and positivity back over you. </p><p>We are ALL worthy of respect, love, and kindness. Don't ever forget that!</p><p>My love and light to you hon.</p><p>Tamara Powell, LMHC</p></div> | 0 |
56c03875891894937e3c6ffc | What can I do about my roommate's drinking problem? | My roommate has had a drinking problem for a while. She goes out, gets trashed, and then expects everyone to take care of her. The next morning, she apologizes constantly until she feels validated. She also thinks everyone hates her all the time. If I don't seem anything other than happy, she asks me "Do you hate me? You hate me. Tell me you love me," and I feel like I have to pity her because she has also been suicidal before. | https://counselchat.com/questions/what-can-i-do-about-my-roommate-s-drinking-problem | Social Relationships,Addiction,Substance Abuse,Self-esteem | Lola Georg | https://counselchat.com/therapists/lola-georg | <p>It does sound like your roommate may have a drinking problem, and the short answer is that you can't do anything about it, only she can. We can't change what other people say, think, or do. We can only change our reactions. It does sound like your roommate may be having a hard time. You can suggest that she enter counseling or therapy. You can reassure her that you like her (if that's true), but you don't have to pity her.</p> | 0 |
5776119072f4321a37b641c4 | Is screaming and cussing at your child considered emotional abuse? | My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse? | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-screaming-and-cussing-at-your-child-considered-emotional-abuse | Legal & Regulatory,Parenting,Family Conflict | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>Yes, screaming and cussing at your child is considered abuse.</p><p>Here are two points I suggest you consider for your situation.</p><p>If your dad is ever calm when you and him are with one another, ask for some time to talk about your relationship with him.</p><p>Schedule it for sometime in the near future from your request. This way he has time to consider his points of view on his relationship to you. </p><p>Even if he does no thinking about your relationship at all, he will not feel pressured by the surprise of suddenly being expected to talk about a topic he may prefer to prepare himself.</p><p><br></p><p>My second point to you is to keep steady in your own views of who you are. When a parent demeans and mistreats a child, the child is affected in a negative way. Concentrate on loving yourself and keeping people in your friendship circle who care about you.</p> | 0 |
57749f5bc8c3e0180cffa1f4 | I feel completely alone in my marriage. | I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has "friends" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-feel-completely-alone-in-my-marriage | Marriage,Relationships,Intimacy | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>I'm sorry for how you're feeling in your marriage lately. </p><p>Are you and your husband able to talk directly about your feelings? </p><p>The way two people connect is usually by talking with each other to understand what each one cares about and thinks.</p><p>Your current emotional suffering is the natural result of being married to someone who shows no interest in doing this.</p><p>If your husband wants to start talking with you, then there is a chance the two of you can reconnect. If he doesn't want to participate in the relationship with you, then start to think if its possible and for how long, to get emotional support from friends and family who do care for you.</p><p>Also a question for the future is to understand what the value of your marriage is to you besides having a connection to your husband.</p> | 0 |
55e1dac4a4803564117ec2f4 | How do I become more open minded or less irritable and happier? | null | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-become-more-open-minded-or-less-irritable-and-happier | Self-esteem,Spirituality | Deana Bieker | https://counselchat.com/therapists/deana-bieker | <p><br></p> | 0 |
577d5a227fe85f1465e20056 | How can I help my husband after a suicide attempt? | After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-help-my-husband-after-a-suicide-attempt | Marriage,Depression,Self-harm | Vivian D. Echevarria Guzman, MSC, LPC, NCC | https://counselchat.com/therapists/vivian-d-echevarria-guzman-msc-lpc-ncc | <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 7.5pt; line-height: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:" helvetica","sans-serif";="" mso-fareast-font-family:"times="" new="" roman";color:#666666"="">It seems like you are very receptive of your husband’s emotions and want to support him trough this time. But it is also important of being aware of your emotions. How are you feeling after the suicide attempt? It is common to experience negative feelings while you try to make sense of the incident. Feelings like anger, shame, guilt and fear are frequent; while, wanting to avoid, minimize and become distant from the person are parts of the defense mechanism to attempt a quick resolution. Once you understand and overcome those feelings you may be in a better position to help your husband; who may be experiencing some negative feelings as well.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 7.5pt; line-height: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">First, it is important to have a safety plan in place, which includes removing harming objects from the home, knowing who to call if there’s a new attempt (either 9-1-1, or nearby treatment center), have a professional expert who monitors you and your husband’s progress, either a Counselor or mental health provider could help you manage negative feelings and identify ways to handle triggering situations.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 7.5pt; line-height: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Once the safety plan is in place, make him feel supported and not judged, saying open ended statements, like: “I am glad that you are here, please let me know what I can do to help you through this process”. Making small changes toward a healthier living may help as well. Exercising, eating healthier and practicing new leisure activities may be good ways to start. Also, explore your spirituality and your husbands, looking for ways to encourage each other by joining a support group or finding people who share your spiritual beliefs.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 7.5pt; line-height: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">If you have more questions or concerns I offer teletherapy in the State of Texas, and traditional Counseling in Puerto Rico, call 787-466-5478.</span><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 7.5pt; line-height: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span lang="ES-PR" style="font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;font-family:" helvetica","sans-serif";="" mso-fareast-font-family:"times="" new="" roman";color:#2e74b5;mso-themecolor:accent1;="" mso-themeshade:191;mso-ansi-language:es-pr"="">¿Cómo puedo ayudar a mi esposo después de un intento de suicidio?</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 7.5pt; line-height: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Después de que el llego a casa del hospital estaba enojado, luego por un tiempo maravilloso. Ahora está deprimido y sin ánimos.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 7.5pt; line-height: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Parece que estas muy atenta a los sentimientos de tu esposo, y que lo deseas ayudar durante este momento de su vida. Pero también es importante estar consciente de tus propias emociones. ¿Cómo te has sentido luego de este intento de suicidio? Es común que experimentes emociones negativas mientras los recientes sucesos hacen sentido. Sentimientos como coraje, vergüenza, culpa y miedo son comunes, y el querer evitar, minimizar o distanciarte son mecanismos de defensa igualmente comunes. Ya que comprendas y superes estos sentimientos, estarás en una mejor posición para ofrecerle ayuda, recuerda que tu esposo también debe de estar experimentando sentimientos negativos. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 7.5pt; line-height: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Es muy importante tener un plan de seguridad, esto incluye remover todos los objetos que pueden ser dañinos o facilitar un futuro atentado, saber a quién llamar en caso de una emergencia (9-1-1 o una clínica de emergencias cercana), tener un experto que monitoree tu progreso y el de tu esposo, puede ser un Consejero u otro experto de salud mental que te ayude a manejar los sentimientos negativos y situaciones retantes.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 7.5pt; line-height: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Ya que el plan de seguridad sea activado, crea un ambiente donde tu esposo se sienta apoyado y no juzgado. Utiliza frases abiertas para comunicarte, dile que estas feliz de que este contigo, y quieres saber cómo puedes ayudarlo durante esta etapa. También haz cambios pequeños para mejorar su calidad de vida como pareja. Hacer ejercicios, comer más saludable y compartir actividades puede ser un buen comienzo. Explorar tu espiritualidad y la de tu esposo también puede ser de ayuda, y encontrar personas o grupos que compartan esos mismos intereses puede ser una manera de mantenerse motivados.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 7.5pt; line-height: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Si tienes más preguntas o preocupaciones sobre el tema, ofrezco teleterapia en Texas y Consejería Tradicional en Puerto Rico, llama al 787-466-5478 para más información.</span></p> | 0 |
5774ccf16e5d8fd6231b5d17 | My girlfriend is always accusing me of cheating on her when I haven't | Over a year ago I had a female friend. She turned out to be kind of crazy so I decided to stop talking to her. When she would call me I wouldn't answer the phone. This made my girlfriend really suspicious. She would ask me why I wouldn't ever answer that phone number. I told my girlfriend that I don't want to be friends with that other woman, but I don't think she believes me. How can I get my girlfriend to understand? | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-girlfriend-is-always-accusing-me-of-cheating-on-her-when-i-haven-t | Relationships,Social Relationships | Lola Georg | https://counselchat.com/therapists/lola-georg | <p>Open and honest communication can go a long way in situations like yours. Your girlfriend may be suspicious if you don't give her enough information. Answer her questions fully. Ask for her suggestions as to how to handle this female friend. Ask for your girlfriend for help in getting the female friend to understand that you are not interested in continuing the friendship. If you are honest with your friend, your girlfriend will probably feel like you are being honest with her. </p> | 0 |
5773e438b9ff751f196e8df0 | I'm worried about my new job. | I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job.
People keep telling me I have "anxiety" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-worried-about-my-new-job | Anxiety,Career Counseling | Lola Georg | https://counselchat.com/therapists/lola-georg | <p>There are lots of things you can do, but first: Congratulations on your new job! Commuting long distances can be stressful, but there are some things you can do.</p><p>First, make sure that your seating arrangement in your car is comfortable. If you are driving long distances on a regular basis, you want to make sure that your body is in a comfortable position. Second, select some music or podcasts that work for you, rather than against you. Soothing music is good, as well as inspirational podcasts. Alternatively, listening to books can be a great way to spend the time, improve your mood, and find inspiration. Third, make sure that you have plenty of time for your commute. If the drive normally takes you 30 minutes, plan on 45 (or if it's 45 minutes, plan on an hour). This way you won't be rushed, can take your time, can focus on your driving, and if traffic is a bit backed up, you've got plenty of time to reach your destination.</p><p>Finally, if you do find yourself being anxious in a way that impedes your driving, pull over to the side of the road, take some deep breaths, and sit with your feelings. Take a deep drink of water. Consider jotting your feelings down in a journal. If its safe, get out of the car and walk around a bit, stretching you muscles and breathing in the air.</p><p>But most of all, be kind to yourself. I wish you much success in your new job.</p><p><br></p> | 0 |
57749f5bc8c3e0180cffa1f4 | I feel completely alone in my marriage. | I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has "friends" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-feel-completely-alone-in-my-marriage | Marriage,Relationships,Intimacy | Tamara Powell | https://counselchat.com/therapists/tamara-powell | <p>Piggybacking on the other respondent's suggestions, I also agree that most couples could use more frequent and more bonding communication in their relationships, and this is a GREAT place to get the ball rolling towards reconnecting.</p><p>Surveying the demographical data on long-term relationships, it's pretty common for couples to start to struggle around the 7-10 year mark and in fact, that's often when first time divorces happen. And for lots of reasons...most of them having something to do with beginning to take one another for granted and no longer doing the little things that nourish the relationship and light our partners up. Seems like you've encountered this in your own relationship...where he appears to be neglecting your need for emotional connection with him.</p><p>Doesn't have to be this way though. And from my own personal clinical experience, I can tell you that when even ONE partner is willing to make some small but powerful changes, they can often ripple outward to the other partner and bring about miraculous outcomes! </p><p>So my encouragement to you is this - if you're still in love with him...even a little bit...and you're down to try something new, there's hope! As hard as it may be, I would ask you to try and focus on YOUR own side of the street when approaching him. Use an open and curious approach with him. </p><p>Ask him what he thinks he needs in a marriage. </p><ul><li><span style="font-style: italic;">What is it about you he fell in love with? </span></li><li><span style="font-style: italic;">What helps him feel more fulfilled as a man and as a husband? </span></li><li><span style="font-style: italic;">What little things that you have done over the years does he appreciate? </span></li></ul><div>Like Sherry said, if you can get him talking, there'll be plenty to work with. We only need a spark to kindle a fire. If he can give you a list, you'll have a blueprint for getting him to reconnect with you and it opens the door for you to offer him little suggestions as well.</div><div><br></div><div>By the time a couple reaches the point where you're at, there's usually very little fun going on. We've stopped enjoying one another's company. Try and think creatively about some shared experiences he might be willing to do. A picnic? Happy hour? Concerts, museums, cooking class, new sexual behaviors...the list is as infinite as you want it to be! <br><br></div><div>Some of my favorite suggestions for couples looking to understand how they got here and how to build their way out are:</div><ul><li>"<a href="https://youtu.be/_8kVg1aGz_M" target="_blank">The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship</a>" (Ted Talk) by Esther Perel</li><li>"<a href="http://amzn.to/2aSu68j" target="_blank">Getting Together & Staying Together: Solving the Mystery of Marriage</a>" by William & Carleen Glasser</li><li>"<a href="http://amzn.to/2aPD0xJ" target="_blank">Divorce Busting - A Step By Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again</a>" by Michelle Weiner-Davis</li><li>"<a href="http://amzn.to/2b1viUg" target="_blank">The Relationship Cure: a 5 step Guide to Strengthening your Marriage, Family, and Friendships</a>" by John Gottman & Joan DeClaire</li><li>"T<a href="http://amzn.to/2aPDdAT" target="_blank">he Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work</a>" by John Gottman & Nan Silver</li><li>"<a href="http://amzn.to/2aSuK2z" target="_blank">The Five Love Languages</a>" by Gary Chapman</li></ul><div>And of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't suggest that if you're open to the idea, maybe some individual and/ or couples counseling could be helpful too.</div><div><br></div><div>My very warmest regards to you,</div><div>Tamara Powell, LMHC</div> | 0 |
5773e438b9ff751f196e8df0 | I'm worried about my new job. | I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job.
People keep telling me I have "anxiety" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-worried-about-my-new-job | Anxiety,Career Counseling | Vivian D. Echevarria Guzman, MSC, LPC, NCC | https://counselchat.com/therapists/vivian-d-echevarria-guzman-msc-lpc-ncc | <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 6.25pt; line-height: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span style="font-size:11.5pt;font-family:" helvetica","sans-serif";="" mso-fareast-font-family:"times="" new="" roman";color:#888888"="">Anxiety often occurs when big or unexpected changes come to our lives, like having new jobs, relocating, or assuming new roles. Notice if your anxiety feels like excitement, concerns, or fear.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 6.25pt; line-height: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span style="color: rgb(136, 136, 136); font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt;">It seems like you are excited about your new job, but worried because OTHERS are telling you that you have anxiety. Let's notice how other‘s input is affecting your thoughts and maybe causing more anxiety that you may really have. If you are indeed experiencing anxiety, that does not mean that you will have panic attacks. But if you are experiencing panic attacks, or suffer them at some point, you could learn how to reduce them either with therapy or medication.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 6.25pt; line-height: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span style="color: rgb(136, 136, 136); font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt;">You can learn how to process it depending what triggers it and channel it, in a useful way. For example, you could plan a schedule around your new job and be meticulous about it because you are worried about how your new job may affect your routine, or, you could feel overwhelmed with your schedule, focus on the feeling, but not do anything about it. Notice the difference? The key is in recognizing if you are anxious about something that you can change or have control over it, and take action if you do, and recognizing when you cannot control things and be OK with not being in control.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 6.25pt; line-height: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span style="color: rgb(136, 136, 136); font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt;">I teach clients how to use meditation and cognitive reframing techniques to help calm anxiety symptoms. If you are interested in engaging in counseling or teletherapy you may contact me at 787-466-5478.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 6.25pt; line-height: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span style="color: rgb(136, 136, 136); font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt; font-style: italic;">I wish you success on your new journey!</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 6.25pt; line-height: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span style="color: rgb(136, 136, 136); font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 22pt;"><br></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 6.25pt; line-height: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span style="color: rgb(136, 136, 136); font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 22pt;">Estoy preocupada por mi nuevo trabajo</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 6.25pt; line-height: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span style="color: rgb(136, 136, 136); font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 11.5pt;">La gente me dice que tengo ansiedad y estoy aterrorizada de tener un ataque de pánico en la carretera. Esto es nuevo par a mí. ¿Que puedo hacer?</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 6.25pt; line-height: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span style="color: rgb(127, 127, 127); font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 107%;">La ansiedad ocurre comúnmente cuando llegan cambios grandes o inesperados en nuestras vidas, como tener un nuevo empleo, mudarse o asumir nuevos roles.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 6.25pt; line-height: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span style="color: rgb(127, 127, 127); font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 107%;">Al parecer estás emocionada por tu nuevo trabajo, pero preocupada por que OTROS te dicen que tienes ansiedad. Notemos como la opinión de otros esta influenciando tus pensamientos y tal vez te puede estar causando más ansiedad de lo que realmente tienes. Si realmente estas pasando por un periodo de ansiedad, no es necesario que vayas a experimentar ataques de pánico. Pero si ya los haz experimentado puedes utilizar terapia o medicamentos para controlarlos.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 6.25pt; line-height: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span style="color: rgb(127, 127, 127); font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 107%;">Nota si tu ansiedad se siente emocionante, preocupada o temerosa. Puedes aprender a procesar estos sentimientos dependiendo que pensamiento los causen y canalizar la ansiedad de manera productiva. Por ejemplo: te puedes enfocar en organizar una agenda porque te preocupa como tu nuevo empleo afectara tu rutina diaria. O te puedes sentir agobio respecto a cómo tu trabajo afecta tu rutina, y no hace nada más que preocuparte constantemente. ¿Notas la diferencia? La clave está en saber cuándo te preocupas por algo que puedes cambiar, y tomar acción; vs. cuando te preocupas por algo que no puedes cambiar y aceptar que no lo puedes cambiar.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 6.25pt; line-height: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span style="color: rgb(127, 127, 127); font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 107%;">Le enseño a mis pacientes a usar técnicas de meditación y re enfoque cognitivo para manejar síntomas de ansiedad y desorden de pánico. Si te interesa una cita de consejería o tele-terapia me puedes contactar al 787-466-5478. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 6.25pt; line-height: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span style="color: rgb(127, 127, 127); font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt; font-style: italic; line-height: 107%;">¡Mucho éxito en tu nueva jornada!</span></p> | 0 |
5775c7b072f4321a37b641c2 | I over endulge when I drink alcohol and feel extremely guilty about it the next day. | I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk.
In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol.
But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-over-endulge-when-i-drink-alcohol-and-feel-extremely-guilty-about-it-the-next-day | Substance Abuse,Social Relationships | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>Usually when someone asks if they have a problem, they believe they do have a problem!</p><p>The first step is to understand your own theory and definition as to what problem you feel you have. </p><p>Some possibilities are feeling unhappy in the relationship to your boyfriend, not having enough discussion between the two of you, not feeling cared about by your boyfriend, not liking your boyfriend.</p><p>Did you grow up in a family in which the grownups drank to the point of excess at the times they felt stressed?</p><p>Family modeling of how to handle problems may have left you no knowing how to handle stress except to drink to excess.</p><p>Ask yourself what it is you feel guilty of doing?</p><p>The guilt may point you in a good direction if it is your sense of self-esteem telling you to find better ways of managing your life.</p><p>Do you drink alone or together with friends?</p><p>Try defining your specific reasons for drinking because this is the first step to know how to handle the situation differently.</p> | 0 |
57745619b9ff751f196e8df4 | Why can't I let myself trust my partner? | I've been with my partner for 4 years. She's given me no reason not to trust her. But lately I've been overreacting a lot when she's just doing normal things. I think it's triggering my bad past relationships.
How can I get rid of these insecurities and be more trusting with her? | https://counselchat.com/questions/why-can-t-i-let-myself-trust-my-partner | Relationships | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>Two paths are possible.</p><p>You're not overreacting and instead are genuinely sensing that something feels unsettled within your girlfriend.</p><p>You are overreacting because you have difficulty accepting how safe and loving your relationship is with this person.</p><p>The only way to find out is to start conversations with your girlfriend on how you feel.</p><p>This will allow new light to open an answer as to the truth.</p><p>Once you know what truly is going on between the two of you, your self-trust naturally will grow stronger. </p><p>Self-trust will give you an accurate read of what and whom you are able to safely trust.</p> | 0 |
57688bd4008fce8e73e1ebc1 | How can I have a better sex life when I don't like sex? | My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-have-a-better-sex-life-when-i-don-t-like-sex | Human Sexuality,Intimacy,Marriage | Frank Walker | https://counselchat.com/therapists/frank-walker | <p>There are many different ways that can be approached in your situation.</p><p>1. I would recommend a complete medical examination including blood test. i would want to know if there are any medical issues in your low sex drive.</p><p>2. Where is your husband in this situation? Is he resentful, accepting, demanding or neutral?</p><p>3. What is your past sexual history? has this had an affect on your current issue?</p><p>4.Has there been problems in your past with abuse of any kind?</p><p>5. Understand that intimacy is more than sex. What other ways can you be close to your spouse?</p><p>6. It sounds like there is some confusion about sexual intimacy from both of you.Couples counseling would be a great place to start. </p><p>All of these areas need to be explored before any treatment goals can be established.</p><p>You need to talk with a professional counselor to explore how to better connect with your spouse.</p> | 0 |
57749f5bc8c3e0180cffa1f4 | I feel completely alone in my marriage. | I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has "friends" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-feel-completely-alone-in-my-marriage | Marriage,Relationships,Intimacy | Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, DCC, CCTP | https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-dcc-cctp | <p>I can think of several things that may help you to reconnect. I don't know how much time you actually spend together, but one thing you could try is to spend 15 minutes a week together talking about common interests or other things that make you feel connected.</p><p>Have you considered a date night or anything (doesn't have to cost a lot of money, but could make each of you feel special)?</p><p>Something else you could try is to consider talking to each other in a way where you summarize what you are hearing and reflect back to make sure that you got it right rather than just assuming so. Communicating this way can feel awkward at times, but it could reconnect how you are listening and deeply connecting with your partner. Also, you may discover that you are on two different pages about things on which you thought you understood what each other felt, wanted, or desired.</p><p>Consider what makes your partner feel loved, valued, appreciated, or special. Can you name a few things and get them right according to your partner when you check in? Can he do the same for you?</p><p>You could also try doing two things every day that would be appreciated by your partner without either of you having to ask for it. There is some more information here, although what you do for one another does not necessarily need to be on this list: <a href="http://www.couplesinstitute.com/tracking-success-by-doing-the-daily-double/" target="_blank">http://www.couplesinstitute.com/tracking-success-by-doing-the-daily-double/</a></p><p>Reconnecting is a bit of a process. Try to praise yourself and your partner for attempts that you make and recognize that you're not going to get it right 100% of the time. You may also find this book to be helpful (or there are other similar ones by the same author): <a href="https://smile.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1471479801&sr=8-1&keywords=Love+languages">https://smile.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1471479801&sr=8-1&keywords=Love+languages</a></p><p>If this still seems difficult, consider seeing a local mental health professional. As one more thought, recall that this relationship involves both of you. If you are both committing to change your level of connection, change will likely not be a steady uphill climb (there could be plateaus or even some dips back in a negative direction) and each of you may change at a different rate.</p><p>Best wishes in your quest for connection!</p> | 0 |
577efb897fe85f1465e20088 | I think I empathize too much. | I empathize so much, even with characters on tv or in video games, that I actually feel physical pain. This has made life difficult to say the least.
I believe I have an actually case of something called hyper empathy disorder. But since it's such a new disorder I can't find any information about it. Could this be what is going on with me? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-think-i-empathize-too-much | Diagnosis | Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, DCC, CCTP | https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-dcc-cctp | <p>It sounds like this would be difficult at times, particularly if you feel misunderstood.</p><p>You may or may not know that we all have chemicals in our brain. We also have different sections of our brain that become active when different things happen. There is a part of our brain where a lot of our emotions originate that is also designed to protect us when we are going through things that have been physically or emotionally painful in the past, and when that part of the brain is sometimes overactive (perceiving threat when there is no actual threat at the time), sometimes anxiety can develop. This doesn't necessarily mean that everyone has an anxiety disorder, but often if we are afraid of something that is not actually a legitimate concern (for example, most insects are not going to hurt me, but I still do not like them very much), we have anxiety about it.</p><p>The first thing I thought of when I read your question is that perhaps some part of your brain are overactive. I did find an article that may be helpful to you, but I just want to caution you. Not everything listed here applies to you. Also, the article uses the term "brain anomalies." This does not mean that there is something majorly wrong with your brain. While I cannot tell you exactly what is happening, I'm asking you not to panic over the term and to just consider that perhaps some of the chemical reactions in your brain may be a little overactive, which may be able to be corrected with medication or something similar. I can't tell for certain from what you posted whether or not this is what is happening, but I would recommend that you either talk to your primary care physician or a therapist or psychiatrist.</p><p>Here is the article: <a href="http://blogs.psychcentral.com/addiction-recovery/2012/09/too-much-empathy/" target="_blank">http://blogs.psychcentral.com/addiction-recovery/2012/09/too-much-empathy/</a></p><p>When you meet with your doctor or a therapist, please try to convey how much this is affecting your life.</p><p>Thank you so much for posting here and I wish you the best.</p> | 0 |
574f7aacc792dd6c7063e578 | How do you overcome an embarrassing mistake and forgive yourself? | I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-you-overcome-an-embarrassing-mistake-and-forgive-yourself | Self-esteem | Marsha Mandel | https://counselchat.com/therapists/marsha-mandel | <p>Sometimes we make ourselves feel worse with our own thoughts about things we can't change. We know that it is possible to overcome embarrassment and self-blame, but why does it seem so difficult to overcome it sometimes? If you tune into your own thoughts, or your "internal dialogue", you'll notice that your thoughts are connected to your feelings. So people who are holding onto embarrassment and self-blame often have thoughts like, "How could I do that?", "I looked so stupid!" "Now people saw things I did not want them to see!" If we tune in more, we might notice we are thinking that this is terrible, horrible, and that we cannot deal with it. These are self-sabotaging thoughts that lead to shame, self-blame and embarrassment. If you look at the evidence, you can find more rational thoughts such as, " We all make mistakes", "People can look all different ways at different time - this incident does not define me!" and "If someone has a bad image or thought about me, it is really OK! People have all kinds of thoughts about other people, and it does not have to be a major problem." When you practice your rational thoughts often and replace the negative ones, you will start to feel better, more confident and your embarrassment will decrease quickly.<br></p> | 0 |
577661b272f4321a37b641ca | What's going on with these mood swings? | I'm a teenager and I get these really intense mood swings.
My mood will be really high and I'll think of something that I want to do. When I start to make it happen I get irritated by other people if they intervene. Then if the thing I wanted to do doesn't work out, I have these tendencies to blame other people for it not working out.
Can you explain what's going on? | https://counselchat.com/questions/what-s-going-on-with-these-mood-swings | Behavioral Change,Social Relationships | Marsha Mandel | https://counselchat.com/therapists/marsha-mandel | <p>Teenagers are prone to mood swings due to developmental and hormonal changes that are rapidly and intensely occurring in your body and mind - so some of this happens to many people in your stage of development. You are not at all alone.</p><p>You've taken the first and very important step in regulating your moods by just identifying that you are having these intense changes instead of being completely submerged in them and unaware! The more you are able to be a witness to your emotions and thoughts, the more you can learn to manage them. Your question offers several clues for strategies that you can try - for example, identify the warning signs for becoming irritated and plan a response, such as taking a deep breath, informing the person you are becoming irritated and need some space, or find a distraction temporarily like listening to music or going for a walk. Since you are aware of blaming others for things not working out, you can proactively make a personal commitment to taking ownership or personal responsibility by just thinking about it and practicing thoughts such as "I am responsible for my efforts" and "Blame is not helpful for anyone" and other thoughts that you believe and can repeat related to this insight. When you practice thinking more rational, healthy thoughts, you are actually rewiring your brain, so practice is key!</p><p><br></p><p><br></p> | 0 |
57573c4bc792dd6c7063e729 | What are the best ways to reduce anxiety? | I have anxieties about everyday stressors, i.e. finances, work, relationships, kids, and maintaining a household. | https://counselchat.com/questions/what-are-the-best-ways-to-reduce-anxiety | Anxiety,Stress | Marsha Mandel | https://counselchat.com/therapists/marsha-mandel | <div>Since it is clear that people react differently to the same stressors, we know that the stressors are not causing the anxiety, <b>our thoughts</b> about the stressors are. Often, cognitive distortions are the problem. Some common cognitive distortions include catastrophizing (predicting the worst), future telling, black and white thinking (if it's not perfect, it's terrible), mind-reading (I just know he is angry at me) and can't-standitis (I can't stand this situation). There are more, but the list is long, and if some of these are resonating with you, I would advise looking up CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) tips, worksheets, booklets etc. on line, or contact a local CBT therapist. </div><div><br></div><div>Another helpful piece of info on anxiety, is that it is prone to something called "symptom stress" - being anxious about anxiety. If we could hear this symptom stress it might sound like, "Oh no I'm getting nervous about this, I'm getting uptight, I look nervous, what if I have a panic attack!" followed by more cognitive distortions such as "I can't stand being anxious!" and "this is horrible!" The antidote to this is acceptance. Kind of like not stopping the waves but learning to surf instead (Jon Kabat-Zinn). If you happen to feel anxious, say to yourself - this is just a reaction I'm having that is unpleasant, but not horrible. I can tolerate and survive some anxiety, I can breathe deeply, and I'll be OK because panic attacks never killed anyone. I can stand this and it is temporary. You get the idea.</div><div><br></div><div>We can increase our awareness of anxiety-provoking self-talk, and counteract it with calming and reassuring self-talk. We have the ability to think about our thinking, decide which thoughts are healthy and which are unhealthy, and choose which to focus on. We brainwash ourselves with our thinking, and according to self-perception theory, " we learn what we believe when we hear ourselves speak," so we may as well be a calming, reassuring presence in our own minds. :)<br></div> | 0 |
576d73713c9e6b307a8ae5cc | What's wrong with me for going to summer school? | It's the way my mom said I was worth nothing, stupid, no point of being in school. I'm "lazy little fat." | https://counselchat.com/questions/what-s-wrong-with-me-for-going-to-summer-school | Family Conflict | Nigel Elwyn | https://counselchat.com/therapists/nigel-elwyn | <p>There is nothing wrong with going to summer school. </p> | 0 |
577efb897fe85f1465e20088 | I think I empathize too much. | I empathize so much, even with characters on tv or in video games, that I actually feel physical pain. This has made life difficult to say the least.
I believe I have an actually case of something called hyper empathy disorder. But since it's such a new disorder I can't find any information about it. Could this be what is going on with me? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-think-i-empathize-too-much | Diagnosis | Miriam Dyak | https://counselchat.com/therapists/miriam-dyak | <p>Sometimes it's helps to have a name for a problem - it can make you feel less alone as in, "oh there's a name for this and other people have this experience too." On the other hand naming the problem can also make it stick around longer as in "now I have a special problem that has a special name, and that's an important part of who I am."<br><br>Bottom line, whether it's a disorder or not, you would like life to be easier and not have to be pulled so much by other people's energy and feelings. You might want to try imagining that you have a volume dial on your empathy (just like the volume dial or button on the tv) that you can gently turn down to the point where you still feel what's going on but it's not so "loud". You can also try imagining pulling your own energy back as if you were drawing your energy back home to the center of your own body and being, letting go of the other people or characters that pulled your energy out so far. This is a way create better boundaries and protect your own vulnerability. Just like on an airplane where they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping anyone else, your empathy will most likely not really help others if you allow yourself to be depleted.</p> | 0 |
57745619b9ff751f196e8df4 | Why can't I let myself trust my partner? | I've been with my partner for 4 years. She's given me no reason not to trust her. But lately I've been overreacting a lot when she's just doing normal things. I think it's triggering my bad past relationships.
How can I get rid of these insecurities and be more trusting with her? | https://counselchat.com/questions/why-can-t-i-let-myself-trust-my-partner | Relationships | Miriam Dyak | https://counselchat.com/therapists/miriam-dyak | <p>What's most important is that you recognize that what you've been doing is off base - that what you've been feeling is "overreacting," that you have "insecurities," and you suspect your actions and reactions are connected to your own past and not to the current situation or to your partner. That's an excellent first step because without recognizing these things about yourself, it's unlikely that you would change.<br><br>That said, you sound as if you are really ready to start some therapy to work on your own personal growth... not because there is something "wrong" with you, but because you're ready to learn more about yourself and make some creative changes in your behavior. Yes, there are lots of self-help books and courses, but we humans often make the most progress when we have support in <span style="line-height: 1.42857;"> </span><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">real-time</span><span style="line-height: 1.42857;"> from another human being who can sit with us, point out our blind spots, and teach us some skills that are hard to learn on our own.</span></p> | 0 |
57573c4bc792dd6c7063e729 | What are the best ways to reduce anxiety? | I have anxieties about everyday stressors, i.e. finances, work, relationships, kids, and maintaining a household. | https://counselchat.com/questions/what-are-the-best-ways-to-reduce-anxiety | Anxiety,Stress | Vivian D. Echevarria Guzman, MSC, LPC, NCC | https://counselchat.com/therapists/vivian-d-echevarria-guzman-msc-lpc-ncc | <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 7.5pt; line-height: 19.5pt; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span style="font-size:15.0pt;font-family:" helvetica","sans-serif";="" mso-fareast-font-family:"times="" new="" roman";color:#333333"=""><a href="https://counselchat.com/questions/what-are-the-best-ways-to-reduce-anxiety">What are the best ways to reduce anxiety?</a></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 7.5pt; line-height: 19.5pt; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: normal;">I have anxieties about everyday stressors, i.e. finances, work, relationships, kids, and maintaining a household.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 7.5pt; line-height: 19.5pt; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">Our everyday life is filled with pressures and deadlines that are common to cause anxiety. Here are some basic tips to handle those stressors.</span></p><ul><li style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family:Symbol;mso-fareast-font-family:Symbol;mso-bidi-font-family:
Symbol">·<span style="font-variant-numeric: normal; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-family: " times="" new="" roman";"=""> </span></span><!--[endif]-->Learn thought stopping techniques: There are multiple ways to teach your brain to refocus. If you allow your brain to focus on the source of anxiety, the anxiety will be in charge. But you can learn to put those anxiety-provoking thoughts on a parking lot, and focus on pleasurable thoughts, or the activity that you need to complete on the time being.</li><li style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family:Symbol;mso-fareast-font-family:Symbol;mso-bidi-font-family:
Symbol">·<span style="font-variant-numeric: normal; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-family: " times="" new="" roman";"=""> </span></span><!--[endif]-->Plan, organize, delegate: Create a schedule to manage demands, organize priorities, and delegate or share responsibilities. Work as a team with your family, so you can share the load. Prioritize actives, shores, and expenses. Focus on the urgent, necessary, and spread apart the not so urgent.</li><li style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family:Symbol;mso-fareast-font-family:Symbol;mso-bidi-font-family:
Symbol">·<span style="font-variant-numeric: normal; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-family: " times="" new="" roman";"=""> </span></span><!--[endif]-->Identify triggers: Once you understand what causes your anxiety, you can learn to channel process and refocus your thoughts. You can also learn coping strategies to manage the problem or give up the desire to control it if needed.</li><li style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family:Symbol;mso-fareast-font-family:Symbol;mso-bidi-font-family:
Symbol">·<span style="font-variant-numeric: normal; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-family: " times="" new="" roman";"=""> </span></span><!--[endif]-->Learn coping skills: Having a balanced lifestyle helps tremendously to reduce and manage anxiety symptoms. Looking at your eating, sleeping, physical activities, spirituality and leisure time is key to find that balance.</li></ul><p class="MsoNormal">If you find yourself struggling with anxiety, you can contact a Counselor or mental health provider. I provide teletherapy for Texas residents and psychotherapy in Puerto Rico, you can reach me at 787-466-5478 for appointments.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: rgb(46, 116, 181); font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 15pt; line-height: 107%;">¿Cuáles son las mejores maneras de reducir la ansiedad?</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;">Tengo ansiedad por preocupaciones diarias, como las finanzas, relaciones, niños y mantener mi casa.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">Nuestra vida está llena de retos y presiones que comúnmente nos causan ansiedad. Aquí unos consejos básicos para manejar esas preocupaciones.</span></p><ul><li style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span lang="ES-PR" style="font-family:Symbol;mso-fareast-font-family:Symbol;mso-bidi-font-family:
Symbol;mso-ansi-language:ES-PR">·<span style="font-variant-numeric: normal; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="ES-PR">Aprende como detener tus pensamientos: Hay múltiples maneras de enseñarle a tu cerebro a reenfocarse. Si permites que tu cerebro se enfoque en la fuente de ansiedad, entonces la ansiedad se apoderará de ti. Pero puedes aprender a poner a un lado esos pensamientos que causan ansiedad, y enfocarte en pensamientos positivos, placenteros o simplemente enfocarte en la actividad que estás haciendo. <o:p></o:p></span></li><li style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span lang="ES-PR" style="font-family:Symbol;mso-fareast-font-family:Symbol;mso-bidi-font-family:
Symbol;mso-ansi-language:ES-PR">·<span style="font-variant-numeric: normal; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="ES-PR">Planifica, organiza, delega: Crea una agenda para manejar las demandas diarias, organizar prioridades y delegar o compartir responsabilidades. Trabaja en equipo con tu familia, de manera que puedas compartir la carga. Organiza las actividades, gastos y tareas por prioridad. Enfócate en lo urgente y necesario y distribuye lo que no es tan vital. <o:p></o:p></span></li><li style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span lang="ES-PR" style="font-family:Symbol;mso-fareast-font-family:Symbol;mso-bidi-font-family:
Symbol;mso-ansi-language:ES-PR">·<span style="font-variant-numeric: normal; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="ES-PR">Identifica la fuente: Ya que comprendes donde o qué inicia la ansiedad, puedes aprender a canalizarla, procesarla o reenfocar tus pensamientos. También puedes aprender a manejar la fuente de ansiedad, resolver el problema, o aceptar que no lo puedes controlar, si ese fuera el caso. <o:p></o:p></span></li><li style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span lang="ES-PR" style="font-family:Symbol;mso-fareast-font-family:Symbol;mso-bidi-font-family:
Symbol;mso-ansi-language:ES-PR">·<span style="font-variant-numeric: normal; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="ES-PR">Aprende mecanismos de defensa: Tener un estilo de vida balanceado ayuda tremendamente a manejar síntomas de ansiedad. Observar tus patrones de alimentación, descanso, ejercicio, espiritualidad y tiempo de ocio es clave para encontrar el balance.<o:p></o:p></span></li></ul><p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span lang="ES-PR"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left:.25in"><span lang="ES-PR">Si notas que continuas batallando con la ansiedad puedes contactar a un consejero profesional de salud mental. Proveo teleterapia a residentes de Texas y Consejería en Puerto Rico, me puedes contactar al 787-466-5478 para hacer una cita. </span></p> | 0 |
577f8a897fe85f1465e20098 | I want to make my own decisions. | I have a mother who is still running my life even though I'm almost 30 years old. I want to move out and live my own life, but it feels like as long as I do what my mom wants our relationship is okay. It's never okay if I don't do what she wants.
I don't know how to start making my own decisions and not worry about whether it's right in her eyes. Would it help for me to talk to someone about this? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-want-to-make-my-own-decisions | Family Conflict,Relationships | Tamara Powell | https://counselchat.com/therapists/tamara-powell | <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">ABSOLUTELY.</span> Having someone who's outside the situation and, even more so, with knowledge and experience in human behavior and relationship dynamics such as a counselor can do wonders in helping us <span style="font-weight: bold;">feel less alone</span> in frustrating situations like the one you're currently stuck in with your mother. </p><p>A professional can also assist you in finding some <span style="font-weight: bold;">assertiveness techniques</span>, <span style="font-weight: bold;">communication strategie</span>s, and <span style="font-weight: bold;">coping skills</span> to help you find your voice and stand your ground in a way that feels <span style="font-style: italic;">most authentic</span> to you.</p><p>In a healthy parent-child dynamic, there comes a normal developmental shift when, as the child reaches each new stage of maturity and responsibility, the parent backs off to provide a more supportive role instead of directive role. We call this "<span style="font-weight: bold;">redefining relationships</span>." (<span style="font-style: italic;">We also do it with our friendships and colleagues here and there over time as needed</span>). It's absolutely vital. </p><p>Sounds like your mom may have missed that memo. </p><p>Like many parents, she may feel your behavior and choices is a direct reflection of her. Or that her role as your mother allows her greater latitude than it should. Or like many other people in general, that her way is the ONLY way. Regardless, this is YOUR life. And as far as we know, it's not a dress rehearsal. You certainly don't want to wake up some 50 years from now regretful or resentful. </p><p>That being said, there are certainly ways to show her love and respect while doing what makes you happy. </p><p>I would encourage you to Google therapists near you whose bios resonate with you and what you're looking for and start on a the journey towards a new chapter of freedom and hopefully a deeper, more satisfying mother-daughter relationship for both of you.</p><p>Warmest regards,</p><p>Tamara Powell, LMHC</p><p><br></p><p> </p> | 0 |
577f8a897fe85f1465e20098 | I want to make my own decisions. | I have a mother who is still running my life even though I'm almost 30 years old. I want to move out and live my own life, but it feels like as long as I do what my mom wants our relationship is okay. It's never okay if I don't do what she wants.
I don't know how to start making my own decisions and not worry about whether it's right in her eyes. Would it help for me to talk to someone about this? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-want-to-make-my-own-decisions | Family Conflict,Relationships | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>If the only way the relationship you have with your mother feels "okay" is when she is the only one who makes decisions concerning your life, then this only seems ok.</p><p>In fact it is not okay for one person to be the authority for another person unless the one for whom this is being done, does not have their own ability to think for themselves.</p><p>Separating your own wishes and way of handling life matters, from your mother's point of view, may be difficult.</p><p>First, realize you need to get familiar with feeling at ease with the idea of deciding matters for yourself.</p><p>You'll need practice until you feel comfortable.</p><p>Unless, if you've been thinking through decisions you'd like to make and the idea of your mother's anger is the only point which stopped you, then you may almost instantly start living in a liberated way of running your own life.</p><p>Basically, it is right and fair for you to have the chance to live your life the way you feel is best. </p><p>Be prepared that your mother may disagree with you and that her disagreement is not a reason itself to not do what you believe is in your best interest.</p> | 0 |
57735acab9ff751f196e8deb | I am very self conscious about my body. | On the first day of school I wore a bra that was too big so that it would look like I had bigger boobs. I did that the whole school year and my parents never found out. But now I can never hang out with my friends at my house or invite them over because it would be around my parents and my friends would see there is nothing there on my chest.
How do I fix this? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-am-very-self-conscious-about-my-body | Self-esteem,Social Relationships | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>Wear baggy clothes to disguise the problem and if you do this for a long enough time, then your friends may forget what size boobs you have.</p><p>Can you tell your parents what you wrote here? </p><p>If yes, then maybe they will be empathetic and this always helps.</p><p>They may also agree to not make any comments about your boobs when you wear the bigger bra around your friends when they visit you at home.</p><p>Also, its possible your friends already have questioned why you wore a bigger bra than your boobs. Maybe they saw what was going on the whole time during the school year and felt too awkward to tell you.</p> | 0 |
577f7ae87fe85f1465e20096 | Why can't I change? | I know I'm ruining my life with a lot of the decisions I make. I consistently tell myself I need to make some serious changes in my life, but I just can't seem to even though I really want to. Why can't I force myself to change? | https://counselchat.com/questions/why-can-t-i-change | Behavioral Change | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>In general the reason people aren't able to change is because the person feels a sense of fear to change.</p><p>What the roots are of this fear are usually easiest to identify by talking with someone whom you trust and feel safe to talk about your inner thoughts and emotions.</p><p>If you haven't got someone like this in your life, which is common, then shop around for a therapist because a therapist is someone who is professionally trained to listen in a way which helps someone know more about who they are.</p><p>Be patient with yourself too. Change sometimes feels much scarier and is more complex than simple compared with whatever you would like to change.</p> | 0 |
57573c4bc792dd6c7063e729 | What are the best ways to reduce anxiety? | I have anxieties about everyday stressors, i.e. finances, work, relationships, kids, and maintaining a household. | https://counselchat.com/questions/what-are-the-best-ways-to-reduce-anxiety | Anxiety,Stress | Dr. Dinelly Holder | https://counselchat.com/therapists/dr-dinelly-holder | <p>Which one gives you the most anxiety? List from top to bottom which one gives you the greatest anxiety and ask the question how come? From there, we can figure out the underlying factors of your anxiety.</p> | 0 |
57511303c792dd6c7063e5d2 | Should I be upset that my husband may have lied to me again? | I’m trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset? | https://counselchat.com/questions/should-i-be-upset-that-my-husband-may-have-lied-to-me-again | Marriage,Intimacy | Dr. Dinelly Holder | https://counselchat.com/therapists/dr-dinelly-holder | <p>In response to your answer. Yes because he broke a boundary of yours that he knew was important to you. The question that should be asked is are you able to go forward with your husband with his behaviors not changing for the better in regards to your feelings and emotions?</p> | 0 |
577d5a227fe85f1465e20056 | How can I help my husband after a suicide attempt? | After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-help-my-husband-after-a-suicide-attempt | Marriage,Depression,Self-harm | Sarah McIntyre | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sarah-mcintyre | This must be so difficult for both of you. Watching someone you love suffer so profoundly can bring up lots of difficult feelings. Without knowing what you are already doing, I have a few thoughts to share with you. <div><br><ul><li>First and foremost, know that you cannot fix this for him, and <span style="font-weight: bold;">get support for yourself.</span></li><li>As much as you are able, make space in your relationship for him to talk about what he is experiencing. He might not want to talk, and that is ok.</li><li>If he wants to talk, try to listen without judgement and without trying to talk him out of his feelings. Focus on validating his feelings and just sitting with him in his pain.</li><li>Let him know how you feel...that you love him, that you care, that you are concerned, that this is scary for you too, that you are here.</li></ul><p>I hope that this is helpful. On my website (www.sarahmcintyrelpc.com), I've written a series of blog posts about coping with distress. The techniques I've written about there may be supportive for you and your husband. Sending warm wishes your way. </p><p> -Sarah</p><p><br></p><p><br></p><div><br></div></div> | 0 |
577e4d0b7fe85f1465e2006e | My girlfriend can't stand it when I touch her. | My girlfriend was abused as a child. Now, if I hug or touch her in any kind of way she says she feels as if she is being abused as a child. What might be going on? | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-girlfriend-can-t-stand-it-when-i-touch-her | Intimacy,Human Sexuality,Trauma | Sarah McIntyre | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sarah-mcintyre | Thank you for your question. I think it's wonderful that you are approaching this with openness and curiosity. <div><br></div><div>The reaction you are describing is extremely common in survivors of abuse. <span style="line-height: 1.42857;">What you said is insightful...when you touch her "she feels as if she is being abused as a child." From your description, I would agree that in those moments she is re-experiencing something that happened in the past as if it is happening right now. Re-experiencing or </span><span style="line-height: 20px;">reliving</span><span style="line-height: 1.42857;"> traumatic experiences is a key symptom of PTSD.</span><div><br></div><div>If you are seeking to better understand what is going on for her, I would highly recommend Bessel van der Kolk's book <span style="font-style: italic;">the Body Keeps the Score. </span>This book also discusses effective treatments for overcoming trauma. </div></div><div><br></div><div>Best of luck to both of you,</div><div>Sarah</div> | 0 |
567e2b9ca377e46d7ebe2bb3 | Why do I feel like I’m watching my life from a window? | I never feel like myself. I can’t even think straight anymore. I start stuttering and I can’t remember anything. I always get nervous and usually talk myself down but recently end up fighting with, what feels like, someone else. I don’t know why I feel this way, but I hate it. | https://counselchat.com/questions/why-do-i-feel-like-i-m-watching-my-life-from-a-window | Behavioral Change,Anxiety | Sarah McIntyre | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sarah-mcintyre | <p>Hello,</p><p>I am wondering if you might be experiencing some form of dissociation. People who dissociate might feel like the world around them is unreal and unfamiliar, or that they are not really in their bodies and that they are observing themselves from outside of their bodies. Dissociation can also mean that there are parts of you that have "split off" and sometimes parts are can feel like they are at odds with each other or are locked in conflict. Sometimes dissociation happens after someone experiences a trauma. </p><p>Therapy can help you to understand what is going on and help you to integrate your experiences and ultimately heal.</p><p>I am a therapist in Houston who specializes in dissociation. On my website I have information <a href="http://www.sarahmcintyrelpc.com/counseling-for-dissociation-in-houston/" target="_blank">specific to dissociation</a> that might be helpful to you. </p><p><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">Sarah</span><br></p> | 0 |
5748d98dc792dd6c7063e48f | How can you get back to my old self? | I no longer carry expressions on my face, and my emotions are decreasing the more I have fights with my fiancée. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-you-get-back-to-my-old-self | Depression,Relationships | Sarah McIntyre | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sarah-mcintyre | Sometimes repressing anger can lead to depression and block all kinds of other emotions too. I would wonder about your experience with anger and if you've ever been discouraged from expressing anger. I would also wonder if you feel like you have space to express yourself in your relationship or if you feel like you really aren't being heard. It's hard to feel cared for and connected to someone else when you don't feel accepted by them. | 0 |
5748db6ac792dd6c7063e490 | How do I handle my fiancée always telling me how bad of a job I'm doing in making them happy? | My fiancée is always letting me know how I am a horrible/evil person, or I just don’t care enough when it’s about her feeling or when she is having an off day. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-handle-my-fianc-e-always-telling-me-how-bad-of-a-job-i-m-doing-in-making-them-happy | Relationships,Intimacy | Sarah McIntyre | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sarah-mcintyre | <p>I don't know much about the dynamics of your relationship, but I want to say that <span style="font-weight: bold;">you cannot possibly be responsible for anyone else's happiness</span>. If you are interested in a good read on this topic, I highly recommend <span style="font-style: italic;">The Four Agreements</span> by Don Miguel Ruiz. </p> | 0 |
570fd03bdbf02b4149c3f632 | My wife outed me to her sister | What should I do when we see each other? | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-wife-outed-me-to-her-sister | Social Relationships,LGBTQ | Sarah McIntyre | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sarah-mcintyre | <p>I am so sorry that this happened. Nobody deserves to be outed without their permission. </p><p>I would encourage you to get in touch with someone who is supportive and accepting and plan to touch base with them after you see your wife's sister. You can also plan to take some time for self care after you see her. For example, if you enjoy bike rides, plan on taking a bike ride afterward. Plan to do something that feels nurturing and caring. Best of luck!</p> | 0 |
567ecd1ba377e46d7ebe2bbf | Why don't I feel normal? | I don't feel like myself anymore. For example, I could walk up an entire flight of stairs before realizing that my legs are moving. I feel like I’m watching my life be lived by someone else. | https://counselchat.com/questions/why-don-t-i-feel-normal | Behavioral Change | Sarah McIntyre | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sarah-mcintyre | You may be experiencing a form of dissociation called depersonalization. People with this type of dissociation may feel disconnected from their bodies, feel that they are watching their bodies from a distance, or may not recognize their image in the mirror. Dissociation sometimes occurs after someone experiences something traumatic. <div><br></div><div>I would suggest working with a therapist who specializes in dissociative disorders as dissociation does not typically resolve on its own. On my website, I have some information specific to <a href="http://www.sarahmcintyrelpc.com/counseling-for-dissociation-in-houston/" target="_blank">dissociation</a> that you may find helpful. Best of luck to you.</div> | 0 |
57048fd1a9eb92e04264725e | How can I deal with my daughter's rebellious behavior? | She's a teenager, and for the last two years, she's lived with her older brother. She's angry because she wants to come live with me, but my current living situation is not the best for her. She refuses to see any reason. She's being disrespectful. Her sexual curiosity is waking up. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-deal-with-my-daughter-s-rebellious-behavior | Parenting | Sarah McIntyre | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sarah-mcintyre | <p>You're her mom and she needs you. I would suggest focusing on connection. Since you are not currently living together, one way to do this would be to plan a date in which she gets to decide what you do together. Give her time to think about what she wants to do. As long as the activity is safe and affordable, try to do it, even if it's not your thing. While you are with her, turn off the phone and give her your undivided attention. The goal would be just for you to enjoy each other and connect. </p> | 0 |
574f7aacc792dd6c7063e578 | How do you overcome an embarrassing mistake and forgive yourself? | I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-you-overcome-an-embarrassing-mistake-and-forgive-yourself | Self-esteem | Sarah McIntyre | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sarah-mcintyre | I also want to note that we, as a society, are especially judgemental about how women dress and present themselves. I am sorry that this boy said something insensitive. There is nothing shameful about your body and it was not your intention to "display everything." It also wasn't his place to judge you. <div><br></div><div>As women we are expected to be sexy in some situations and demure in others. Men don't have the same range of societal expectations to navigate. </div><div><br></div><div>You didn't deserve his rudeness. </div> | 0 |
566a82089f3a71de09b3c117 | Why am I so nervous talking to people? | Whether it's to a guy or girl, I always feel insecure talking, and I am afraid of embarrassing myself and not being good enough. Even when I am walking, I worry about my appearance and facial expression and such. | https://counselchat.com/questions/why-am-i-so-nervous-talking-to-people | Self-esteem,Social Relationships | Sarah McIntyre | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sarah-mcintyre | I want to add that one way therapy can help with social anxiety is to give you a corrective experience. Each week, you sit across from someone who genuinely cares about you, who doesn't judge you, and who you can voice your concerns to. Over time, you show them more and more of yourself, and as they get to know you, they still care about you, they still don't judge you, and they still think you are amazing. Find a therapist you connect with. | 0 |
5737c4caaaeea25a1918b6e5 | How do I get over rape trauma syndrome? | I was kidnapped at fourteen and raped at gunpoint. The guy got six months. When the same thing happened with two "friends" at nineteen, I didn't even report it. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-get-over-rape-trauma-syndrome | Trauma | Sarah McIntyre | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sarah-mcintyre | <p>Wow, I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. My heart goes out to you. Please find a therapist who specializes in working with PTSD. Brainspotting, Internal Family Systems Therapy, and Somatic Experiencing are all highly effective therapies for complex interpersonal trauma. If you are interested in reading about trauma from a compassionate and scientific perspective I highly recommend Bessel van der Kolk's <span style="font-style: italic;">The Body Keeps the Score</span>. </p> | 0 |
572f3e58aaeea25a1918b573 | How do I move on from almost being raped? | At a friend's house, we had some drinks and watched some television. He got up and went to bed. I felt sick. He came out to see if I was okay, and I said no. I said I wanted to go home, and he told me to come lay down. As I laid down on the bed, he started touching me. A friend called me, then I able to leave. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-move-on-from-almost-being-raped | Trauma | Sarah McIntyre | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sarah-mcintyre | <p>I am so sorry that this happened to you and am so glad that you were able to get away. Your body is yours and yours alone. I would highly recommend that you find a therapist who specializes in treating trauma in order to help you to heal from your ordeal.</p> | 0 |
5736b069aaeea25a1918b6d8 | How do I get over a fear of pain during sex? | My boyfriend and I have a terrible sex life after three years of dating, and I don't know what to do. I have this lingering fear of pain during sex after having two partners previously who weren't careful. How can I stop projecting this onto my current boyfriend? | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-get-over-a-fear-of-pain-during-sex | Human Sexuality,Trauma,Intimacy,Relationships | Sarah McIntyre | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sarah-mcintyre | <p>Without knowing much about your situation, I would encourage you to seek out either a sex therapist who is trauma-informed or a trauma therapist who has knowledge about sexual concerns. </p><p>Even consensual sex can be experienced as an intrusion if a partner was not careful or insensitive to your pain. It would be normal to have some difficulties with sex after such an incident.</p> | 0 |
57059b70a9eb92e0426472b1 | How do I deal with all of my disorders? | I have attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder, anxiety, anger, and memory problems. I can't work. I have no income. I'm on medicine, but I feel worthless. I want to be normal. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-deal-with-all-of-my-disorders | Trauma,Stress,Anxiety,Anger Management | Sarah McIntyre | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sarah-mcintyre | I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. It sounds like you've had a traumatic experience that has impacted your life in many ways. Without knowing much about your history, I wonder if the trauma you suffered has lead to the anxiety, anger, and memory problems you are dealing with, in addition to PTSD. I would encourage you to look for a trauma therapist who offers a sliding scale or pro bono services. There may also be community mental health services in your area that offer free therapy if you are eligible for grant. | 0 |
56ff56dcfa722cdf047f2934 | How do I let go of the abuse my dad showed me? | My dad beat and mentally abused me so badly that I can't function properly. Letting go of the past is important to moving on and getting better, but I’m terrified to get better because I don't even know who I am without the trauma. I've never gotten to be myself. I don't even know who I am. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-let-go-of-the-abuse-my-dad-showed-me | Trauma | Sarah McIntyre | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sarah-mcintyre | <p>I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. Getting to know yourself after a trauma (especially at the hands of a caregiver) and learning to trust yourself can feel terrifying. I would encourage you to seek out a trauma therapist who can work with you slowly and at your pace. You are not your trauma. You are good and you are whole. Please seek out the support of a therapist who sees that in you.</p> | 0 |
56ec7acb8f546b0a275a1a99 | How do I cope with posttraumatic stress disorder and its triggers? | I am a survivor of multiple sexual abuse/rape experiences. Triggers are having an effect on my daily life and my sexual relationship with my partner. I'm trying to learn to cope with them. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-cope-with-posttraumatic-stress-disorder-and-its-triggers | Trauma | Sarah McIntyre | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sarah-mcintyre | <p>I encourage you to seek out and work with a therapist who specializes in treating complex trauma. Somatic Experiencing, Brainspotting, and Internal Family Systems Therapy are all highly effective treatments for people dealing with complex trauma. If you are interested in reading a book that is supportive and compassionate, Bessel van der Kolk's <span style="font-style: italic;">The Body Keeps the Score</span> is a wonderful book that discusses treatment options in depth.</p> | 0 |
56c6a741c44fbb6527482418 | How do I cope with losing a child? | null | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-cope-with-losing-a-child | Grief and Loss,Trauma | Sarah McIntyre | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sarah-mcintyre | <p>As you already know, there is no easy answer. Over time, I think we learn to live with the pain from such a loss, but it never goes away. I would encourage you to seek out a grief support group or a therapist who specializes in grief and loss.</p><p>I will just add that one thing that you can do is to create something meaningful from this profound experience. This might mean connecting with others who are mourning, or creating beautiful in your child's memory. Of course, the best ideas will come from you.</p> | 0 |
570724cd2f77a225438f1650 | Why do I feel worthless and tired? | I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. Everything I do is crappy. I want to cry all the time. I can't eat or sleep. | https://counselchat.com/questions/why-do-i-feel-worthless-and-tired | Depression | Samara Perez | https://counselchat.com/therapists/samara-perez | You are describing some of the most common symptoms of depression: low self esteem, difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite, sad mood, feelings of hopeless and feelings of worthlessness. A full assessment/evaluation with a mental health professional is warranted to understand if indeed you meet criteria for a Major Depressive Disorder i.e.., are delressed. One thing I often tell patients is that "Do you think you are depressed?" People often answer yes or no, but many individuals respond with a question: How would I know? To that I often explain that if I stopped watching movies or better, stopped enjoying watching movies that would be a clear indication for me that I am delressed. It would be a sign that I have lost pleasure or interest in the activity that I typically enjoy most . I'll ask you to think of one activity which you really really enjoy. It could be anything from reading, to being with friends, to skiing to watching tv. I would like to now ask you if you have stopped enjoying that activity or can't find the motivation to engage in it? This is another symptom of depression: loss in pleasurable activities. The good news is that there are many effective, available treatment if you are indeed in a depression or simply, you want to modify/decrease your depressive symptoms i.e., you want to stop feeling so tired and so worthless. Treatment includes one or more of the following: psychotherapy, medication, exercise. Any one or combination of both of these can help to improve your mood. The even better news is that feeling that you are doing something wrong can diminish with appropriate treatment over time. I hope you find this information helpful. The most important next step is to get evaluated by a mental health professional typically a psychologist or psychiatrist, and for both you and the professional to better understand your symptoms and your mood in the context of what is going on in your life. | 0 |
57511303c792dd6c7063e5d2 | Should I be upset that my husband may have lied to me again? | I’m trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset? | https://counselchat.com/questions/should-i-be-upset-that-my-husband-may-have-lied-to-me-again | Marriage,Intimacy | Samara Perez | https://counselchat.com/therapists/samara-perez | <p>Let's look at your question and break it down. It begins with the word <span style="font-weight: bold;">should. </span>As a first reflection, it implies that there is a right and a wrong way to feel, in this case, feel upset. I think I would like to ask you the question in a different way: are you feeling upset? If you are feeling upset or if you are feeling another emotion : insert worried, ambivalent, scared, angry, insecure, confused that is likely reasonable if the relationship has undergone some breaks in trust followed by distance (seperation). The first step is to recognize what you are feeling, and accept it for what it is-- an emotion. A feeling. You are entitled to feel a range of emotions as you are in the process of repairing or rebuilding the marriage. It is what you <span style="font-weight: bold;"> do</span> with that feeling that matters-- how you act, how you think, what you say, and the impact the emotion (likely emotion<span style="font-weight: bold;">s) </span>have on your relationship and in turn your quality of life that matters. If you want to discuss the impact of your feelings on you or on your marriage, I suggest you consult with a mental health professional with expertise in couple therapy/ relationship issues. I hope you find this information helpful. </p> | 0 |
57749f5bc8c3e0180cffa1f4 | I feel completely alone in my marriage. | I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has "friends" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-feel-completely-alone-in-my-marriage | Marriage,Relationships,Intimacy | Samara Perez | https://counselchat.com/therapists/samara-perez | <p>What you are describing is something I often refer to as "living with your roommate" phenomenon. This is the idea that you feel like you are living with a roommate and no your partner or spouse . It is not uncommon for members of a couple to report to feel both physical and/or emotional distance. When we don't feel connected within relationships, this can be isolating and lonely. The emotional distance often makes us wonder: am I important to the other? These types of feelings need to be better understood in the context of your own background and upbringing I.e., who you are and also better understood in the context of your couple. Feeling reconnected can occur-- but there is not a "one size fits all" solutoon. As a first step, do you or your partner have any ideas of how to feel reconnected? Have you considering talking to your partner about the emotional void? Or how about discussing solutions , together, that might help-- from individual therapy to couple therapy to a weekly date night to inquiring about one another's personal interest to starting off the conversation of what <span style="font-weight: bold;">both </span>of you want and can do to re-establish feelings of connectiveness. If this is too frightening I.e., to address the lack of connection between you and your spouse. a fist meeting with a couple therapist can likely help unpack what the possible solutions for your couple.</p> | 0 |
57749f5bc8c3e0180cffa1f4 | I feel completely alone in my marriage. | I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has "friends" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-feel-completely-alone-in-my-marriage | Marriage,Relationships,Intimacy | James McCracken | https://counselchat.com/therapists/james-mccracken | <p>Your question highlights your pain very clearly. What you are describing is one of the most common scenarios I see in my practice with couples: One partner feels terribly lonely and unimportant in response to the other partner either turning towards other people and activities or being withdrawn and turning inward. My mind immediately goes to a question for you: What happens when you are feeling alone and uncared for? What do you say to yourself about you, about your spouse, and about your relationship? What do you do in response to these feelings? Do you ask for what you need? Does this lead to arguments? Do you stay silent or withdraw?</p><p>Very often, couples enter into negative patterns where one partner feels afraid of rejection by the other partner and so withdraws from the relationship (and is often seen as "cold and aloof" towards the relationship), and the other partner feels afraid of abandonment by the withdrawing partner and so pursues the other (and is often seen as "critical and nagging"). Regardless of "who started it," these patterns can turn into infinity loops that take on a gravity of their own, and ultimately cause both partners to withdraw and dissolve the relationship. If both partners want to work on saving and improving the relationship, the way out of this is to learn about your emotions and patterns together so that you can slow down the pattern and stay in touch with the emotions that pull people together. As the patterns slow down, partners are better able to get more deeply in touch with their vulnerabilities, needs and longings, and ask for them to be met in such a way that doesn't leave the other partner feeling criticized, threatened, abandoned, or uncared for.</p><p>Some couples can do this without the help of a therapist. The book "Hold Me Tight: 7 Conversations for a LIfetime of Love" by Sue Johnson is a self-help book based on Emotionally Focused Therapy (the most scientifically validated couples therapy that currently exists), and has been helpful to many couples that I see. When a therapist is needed to help partners reconnect or overcome betrayals, I recommend seeking couples therapists who are trained in a scientifically tested model of couples therapy (such as Emotionally Focused Therapy. You can learn more about EFT or find an EFT therapist here: <a href="http://www.iceeft.com">http://www.iceeft.com</a>).</p><p>To summarize:</p><p>Your pain is understandable and valid. It's telling you what you are missing and what you want.</p><p>Reconnection comes when we can listen to what our feelings are telling us, express those feelings in a safe way, and assert our wants/needs, while remaining open to the vulnerabilities and needs of our partner.</p><p>If you can do that on your own, and your relationship is responsive, that's fantastic! If you encounter challenges in resolving this yourself, consider therapy with a trained couples therapist using a model that is scientifically validated. <br><br></p><p>Pain means this is important! You and your marriage are worth the effort!<br></p> | 0 |
5773e438b9ff751f196e8df0 | I'm worried about my new job. | I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job.
People keep telling me I have "anxiety" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-worried-about-my-new-job | Anxiety,Career Counseling | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>It is ok to have anxiety. Please don't be anxious about being anxious.</p><p>If you feel anxiety coming over you, then pull off the road to a safe place. Concentrate on centering yourself and to breath slowly. Take some sips of water. Sit still. The anxiety should pass in about twenty minutes.</p><p>If it does not pass, then continue calming yourself until you feel safe enough to drive to your hotel. You can always explain to your supervisor that you were taking care of a medical problem, because anxiety is a medical problem.</p> | 0 |
56ec7acb8f546b0a275a1a99 | How do I cope with posttraumatic stress disorder and its triggers? | I am a survivor of multiple sexual abuse/rape experiences. Triggers are having an effect on my daily life and my sexual relationship with my partner. I'm trying to learn to cope with them. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-cope-with-posttraumatic-stress-disorder-and-its-triggers | Trauma | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>I'm glad you're willing to keep optimistic about life improving and offering better relationships than some of the ones in which you greatly suffered.</p><p>One suggestion is to develop patience with yourself and the process of regaining your willingness to trust other people.</p><p>Sexual intimacy engages all of who we truly are. Being cautious as to who and how much you allow someone into your life, is natural for anyone recovering from trauma.</p><p>Allow yourself to withdraw when situations feel dangerous. Your sense of danger is most likely on higher alert than had you not been victimized.</p><p>Be attentive and cooperate with your own sense of readiness to engage in conversation, discussions and sex with your partner.</p><p>Explain all this to your partner so the person can develop their own patience with your recuperation process.</p> | 0 |
577d5a227fe85f1465e20056 | How can I help my husband after a suicide attempt? | After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-help-my-husband-after-a-suicide-attempt | Marriage,Depression,Self-harm | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>Since as husband and wife your lives are closely joined, how your husband feels greatly influences the way you feel.</p><p>Give yourself some time to concentrate on how you've been affected by your husband's suicide attempt. Even if you decide against immediately telling him how you're feeling, knowing this about yourself will guide how and the topics you bring up with him.</p><p>Is your husband talking easily with you?</p><p>Do you have some ideas as to what is creating his feeling of hopelessness?</p><p>The ideal approach would be if the two of you are able to discuss what bothers him and what bothers you.</p><p>Depending on how far away you each are from such a position, you may benefit from speaking with a licensed professional therapist who can guide you and or you and your husband on opening up for discussion what feels stressful enough to merit taking one's own life.</p> | 0 |
577dc3417fe85f1465e20061 | Is it normal to dislike one child? | I have three children. The oldest is nine and not my biological child. The middle child is three and the youngest is one. I have a great relationship with the oldest two children but I haven't developed the same level of attatchment to the youngest child. I rarely want her around and look forward to her nap times. Is this normal? | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-normal-to-dislike-one-child | Parenting | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>Congrats on being honest about the way you feel!</p><p>Many people state having a favorite child so the reverse would also be possible, of having a least favorite child.</p><p>Try to understand your own reasons for not liking your youngest child as much as the others.</p><p>One point to consider is whether it is the child' personality or the way they interact with you which gives you the feeling of not liking this child as much as the others, or does the reason have more to do with younger children requiring more care?</p><p>Also, do you generally prefer older kids to younger ones? </p><p>It is possible the problem will go away as your youngest grows older.</p><p>Is there another parent in the household who can make up for what you feel unable to naturally give to your youngest?</p><p>Is it possible you feel your own need to be involved with activities or to have time on your own? Maybe you simply need a break from constant mothering.</p><p>Continue to give as much as possible to your youngest child.</p> | 0 |
577fb7fa7fe85f1465e2009a | I want help with how to deal with my abused daughter. | She refuses to talk to me and told my mom (her grand mother) that she is remembering things from the past. I don't know what to do. My daughter blames me and swears she hates me.
My parents say I should just let my daughter live with her dad, but I don't see how I could fix things if I only see her every other weekend. What should I do? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-want-help-with-how-to-deal-with-my-abused-daughter | Family Conflict,Parenting | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>Sorry to hear about your high degree of stress.</p><p>How old is your daughter?</p><p>Who abused yours daughter?</p><p>The answers make a difference to your decision.</p><p>Obviously if the father was the abuser, then unless your ex demonstrates to you and you believe, he will not abuse her, your daughter should stay with you.</p><p>If someone other than the father was the abuser and the father has a good relationship with your daughter, then it is possible that the time away from your household will give each of you time away from arguing with one another.</p><p>What does your daughter tell you she wants?</p><p>Her wishes must be considered too.</p><p>Relationships can be fixed. Sometimes being apart helps this process because the two people each have time to reflect more deeply on what they value about the other.</p> | 0 |
5774ccf16e5d8fd6231b5d17 | My girlfriend is always accusing me of cheating on her when I haven't | Over a year ago I had a female friend. She turned out to be kind of crazy so I decided to stop talking to her. When she would call me I wouldn't answer the phone. This made my girlfriend really suspicious. She would ask me why I wouldn't ever answer that phone number. I told my girlfriend that I don't want to be friends with that other woman, but I don't think she believes me. How can I get my girlfriend to understand? | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-girlfriend-is-always-accusing-me-of-cheating-on-her-when-i-haven-t | Relationships,Social Relationships | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>Do you know why your girlfriend doesn't believe you?</p><p>It is strange that your girlfriend prefers you to take the phone call of another woman.</p><p>Have you blocked the unwelcome phone calls?</p><p>Has your girlfriend said she doesn't believe you or is this your interpretation?</p><p>Find out the answer and then ask your girlfriend to tell you her reasons behind her thoughts.</p><p>It is much easier to help someone understand a situation if the person is engaged in a conversation.</p><p>Whether or not she understands is up to her.</p><p>All you can be responsible to do is to offer your explanation, which sounds like you've already substantially offered.</p><p>Keep or reintroduce the topic for the two of you to talk about again.</p> | 0 |
57749f5bc8c3e0180cffa1f4 | I feel completely alone in my marriage. | I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has "friends" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-feel-completely-alone-in-my-marriage | Marriage,Relationships,Intimacy | Laurel Fay | https://counselchat.com/therapists/laurel-fay-2 | <p>I'm sure you've tried to talk to your husband, but if not, could you? Have a conversation with him about him and his life, his work, etc. See if he relaxes and opens up to you, even a little bit. Don't try to have a heavy conversation or even unburden yourself to him during this first conversation - just try to be light-hearted and focus on hearing him. It's the first step towards getting your needs met too, and ending any emotional standoff that might have come about between you.</p> | 0 |
578c03afc5c377c17ceeecfc | How do I get my husband back? | My husband and I are separated and he doesn't even want to talk to me.
He says he doesn't love me anymore, but I would do anything to get him back. Is there any hope? | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-get-my-husband-back | Relationship Dissolution ,Relationships,Marriage | Frank Walker | https://counselchat.com/therapists/frank-walker | <p>There is always hope. So don't give up on hope.</p><p>However, you knew I would say that, there is a lot work ahead of you.</p><p>You need to see someone to talk things out.</p><p>Get some space between you and your husband. Don't chase and please don't stalk him.</p><p>Do some deep searching as to why he left and what part you had to cause the split.</p><p>You can't change him but you are in control of your own change.</p><p>With the help of a professional counselor you can get help and direction where you need to change. </p> | 0 |
57688bd4008fce8e73e1ebc1 | How can I have a better sex life when I don't like sex? | My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-have-a-better-sex-life-when-i-don-t-like-sex | Human Sexuality,Intimacy,Marriage | Miriam Dyak | https://counselchat.com/therapists/miriam-dyak | <p>It's encouraging that you say you want "to be better connected with [your] husband," and since he hasn't left you, he must care about you and the relationship more than he does about just having sex. You don't say whether he complains or not, but even if he doesn't it seems there's a sense of something important missing for both of you.<br><br><span style="font-style: italic;">Most likely to connect better with him physically you'll need to become better connected with yourself and your body.</span> Men often feel fulfilled by sex simply because it happened - the woman they want received them, allowed them to make love with her. For women that can sometimes be more complicated. A woman who loves sex most likely also loves her body, knows what pleasures her, and feels confident asking for what she wants. Self-pleasuring can be a way for you to discover more about your sexuality, and a classic resource is Betty Dodson's book <span style="font-style: italic;">Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving.</span> A good counselor or sex therapist can be very helpful with your whole relationship as well as the sexual part of it, but not all counselors are comfortable working with sexual issues. Shop around and be sure you find someone who can help you and your husband get better connected on all levels.</p> | 0 |
573bdb1b7d5e6b5321fad9d5 | Is there anything I can do about my therapist blocking my psychiatric services? | I had a dispute with my therapist regarding an appointment cancellation. Now, she is blocking me from seeing other psychologists at the same clinic (which takes my insurance), which is also where I get my psychiatric services. There is a strict 48 hour cancellation policy, and my appointments are at 3:00 on Tuesday. I called to cancel at 4:30 the previous Friday. I was late, so we contacted my doctor to tell her that I would be out of town. She said I could do a phone in session. The thing is we do double sessions. | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-there-anything-i-can-do-about-my-therapist-blocking-my-psychiatric-services | Legal & Regulatory | Eric Ström, JD, MA, LMHC | https://counselchat.com/therapists/eric-str-m-jd-ma-lmhc | <p>My recommendation would be to try to talk to your therapist about this from your description, it sounds like you have a legitimate explanation for missing your scheduled session. <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Maybe if you could explain that to her she would be willing to work with you. </span></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">If she is not willing to consider your explanation and if she is not willing to continue working with you, she still has an ethical obligation to provide you with referral resources to another therapist.</span></p> | 0 |
56d41d489471b0b41ec68e75 | My boyfriend is in the hospital. They won’t tell me what’s wrong and if or when he’s coming back. | null | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-boyfriend-is-in-the-hospital-they-won-t-tell-me-what-s-wrong-and-if-or-when-he-s-coming-back | Legal & Regulatory | Eric Ström, JD, MA, LMHC | https://counselchat.com/therapists/eric-str-m-jd-ma-lmhc | <p>I know it can be really tough when a loved one is in the hospital and you aren't being told what is going on.</p><p>In general, both Federal and State confidentiality laws prohibit health care providers from giving out private information about patients to non-family members.</p><p>Unfortunately, you will probably just have to wait until he is released (or until you can visit him) to find out from him what is going on.</p> | 0 |
57918848bc069dff6a5338b3 | I have difficulty with communication. | I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-have-difficulty-with-communication | Anxiety,Stress | Darlene Viggiano | https://counselchat.com/therapists/darlene-viggiano | <p>I can offer you hypnosis for confidence in presentations, via Skype, if you're in Cali.<br></p> | 0 |
57918848bc069dff6a5338b3 | I have difficulty with communication. | I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-have-difficulty-with-communication | Anxiety,Stress | Amy Nolan | https://counselchat.com/therapists/amy-nolan | <p>A good way to start is the language or "self talk" that is happening inside your mind. Looking at your question, when it is said that the presentations "make me feel stress" you are giving the responsibility of the stress to the presentations and taking that away from your self. The presentations cannot give or take away your stress, that's something only you can do and you can do it! What language can you change in your self talk? For example, are you saying "I can't speak in front of an audience! I'll fail?" That sounds a lot different than "I studied my butt off and if I practice speaking out loud, I can ace this presentation!" Although this is a short answer, I do believe that counseling will help you overcome these stressful feelings and bring out your inner confidence. </p> | 0 |
5796b2c5bc069dff6a5339ce | Is it possible for a person to stop feeling emotions? | I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this? | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-possible-for-a-person-to-stop-feeling-emotions | Trauma | Miriam Dyak | https://counselchat.com/therapists/miriam-dyak | <p>I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you! What you are describing is being in a state of shock. You haven't suddenly become a sociopath - this is a normal reaction to an event that is completely overwhelming. There are most likely too many feelings to feel right now, so your body in its wisdom is shutting them down. You absolutely can recover, and it would be really important to get some trauma counseling with a counselor who feels safe for you to talk with. This is not the kind of situation to try and handle totally on your own. </p> | 0 |
5762b25dca5745ed07aa1494 | How can I find myself again? | I just don't know what I want in life anymore. I'm can't figure out what it is that is keeping me distracted and unfocused. I can't put things into perspective at all. I'm just stuck, and I'm disappointed with my lack of accomplishments. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-find-myself-again | Self-esteem,Depression | Erica Faulhaber | https://counselchat.com/therapists/erica-faulhaber | <p>Check this blog out: <a href="http://newdirectionswitherica.com/four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-list/" target="_blank">Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-list</a><br></p><p>Hope you find a few nuggets of helpfulness in this.</p> | 0 |
5724223bf90871f676cf4702 | I hate the way I look | I hate everything I see in the mirror. I don't like being in pictures and always scribble out my face. It's stressing me out. I don't trust my parents enough to tell them and I don't know what to do. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-hate-the-way-i-look | Self-esteem | Erica Faulhaber | https://counselchat.com/therapists/erica-faulhaber | <p>Check out my latest blog: <a href="http://newdirectionswitherica.com/four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-list/" target="_blank">Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-list</a></p><p>I hope this offers you some nuggets of helpfulness!</p> | 0 |
576aadc1008fce8e73e1ec1d | Why am I starting to not like myself? | For the past year, I have been feeling pressured to do well in school, and it put a ton of stress on me. I have been bullied for five years, and for some reason, it is now sinking in, and I can't stop it. For some other reason, I can't find a hobby I can see myself doing without thinking bad about myself. | https://counselchat.com/questions/why-am-i-starting-to-not-like-myself | Self-esteem | Erica Faulhaber | https://counselchat.com/therapists/erica-faulhaber | <p>Check out my latest blog on: <a href="http://newdirectionswitherica.com/four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-list/" target="_blank">Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-list</a></p><p>I hope this provides a few nuggets of helpfulness to you!</p> | 0 |
56fbe12db814e1ce4637199b | How can I not hate myself? | I feel like I'm ugly, stupid, useless, and that I can't make anyone happy. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-not-hate-myself | Self-esteem | Erica Faulhaber | https://counselchat.com/therapists/erica-faulhaber | <p>Check out my blog post on: <a href="http://newdirectionswitherica.com/four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-list/" target="_blank">Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-list/</a><br></p><p>I hope this offers you some nuggets of helpfulness! </p> | 0 |
5739564c95a4be857bc40bbb | Why do I have low self-esteem and lack confidence? | I always need alcohol to feel better and use that as a excuse. | https://counselchat.com/questions/why-do-i-have-low-self-esteem-and-lack-confidence | Self-esteem,Substance Abuse | Erica Faulhaber | https://counselchat.com/therapists/erica-faulhaber | <p>Check out my latest blog on: <a href="http://newdirectionswitherica.com/four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-list/" target="_blank">Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-list</a><a href="http://newdirectionswitherica.com/four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-list/" target="_blank"></a></p><p>I hope this offers you some nuggets of helpfulness! </p> | 0 |
5690e8f633a2cb5364e7b4e4 | How do I become more self-confident in general? | null | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-become-more-self-confident-in-general | Self-esteem | Erica Faulhaber | https://counselchat.com/therapists/erica-faulhaber | <p>Check out my latest blog: <a href="http://newdirectionswitherica.com/four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-list/" target="_blank">Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-list</a></p><p>I hope this offers you some nuggets of helpfulness! </p> | 0 |
5796b2c5bc069dff6a5339ce | Is it possible for a person to stop feeling emotions? | I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this? | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-possible-for-a-person-to-stop-feeling-emotions | Trauma | Lola Georg | https://counselchat.com/therapists/lola-georg | <p>Terrible things do happen in life, and I am sorry to hear about what happened to you. Please rest assured that you are not a sociopath, and that your reactions are normal responses to traumatic events. I'm guessing you are experiencing a sense of numbness, which is a common response to trauma. The best thing you can do is to get some trauma counseling with a professional counselor. As you process your experience, you will be able to feel emotions again. However, the first feelings to come back may be related to trauma, such as fear, panic, and a sense of hyper vigilance. A professional counselor will be able to help you tolerate these feelings, manage them, and heal from your trauma.</p> | 0 |
56934c385e05170e0472da66 | How can I be less afraid of rape? | Why am I so afraid of it? I don't understand. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-be-less-afraid-of-rape | Anxiety | Lola Georg | https://counselchat.com/therapists/lola-georg | <p>Why are you afraid of rape? Because it is a problem in the United States! The National Sexual Violence Resource Center reports that one in five women (0r 20%) will be raped (http://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications_nsvrc_factsheet_media-packet_statistics-about-sexual-violence_0.pdf) and that 80% of women know their assailant. Given these statistics, it is perfectly logical to be afraid. However, there are things you can do to reduce the risk of rape, such as being aware of your surroundings, and limiting the use of drugs or alcohol.</p><p>The Enhanced Access, Knowledge, Act program for college-aged women has been shown to reduce the risk of rape by more than 50%. (http://www.blueprintsprograms.com/factsheet/eaaa-enhanced-assess-acknowledge-act-sexual-assault-resistance-education) You may want to see if a program like this is available in your area. </p><p>Another great app for when you need to walk somewhere alone, is the Companion App (http://www.companionapp.io). Friends or family can track your progress from one point to another via the GPS in your phone.</p><p>In addition, talking with a counselor about your fears would also be a good idea. Sometimes fears are rational and reasonable. Sometimes they are over-reactions and unreasonable. When then are over-reactions and unreasonable, they can have a negative impact on your life. In this case, a counselor could help you understand why your fears are unreasonable, and how you can stop them from negatively impacting your life. </p><p><br></p> | 0 |
5796b2c5bc069dff6a5339ce | Is it possible for a person to stop feeling emotions? | I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this? | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-possible-for-a-person-to-stop-feeling-emotions | Trauma | Laurel Fay | https://counselchat.com/therapists/laurel-fay-2 | <p>You're not a sociopath - you're traumatized. Shutting off feelings is our brain's automatic way of protecting us when something bad happens and we just can't deal with any more pain. It's temporary - which is both good and bad news, because after the numb goes away and your brain decides you're ready to handle it, you'll feel the emotional pain. My advice is to get a therapist ASAP so you have a safe place and a safe person when that happens.</p><p>This is a horrible thing that happened to you, but you are not a horrible person. With good therapy you will learn to assimilate this into the rest of your life. You'll never forget, but you won't have the same pain about it .</p><p>Good luck! You can do this!</p> | 0 |
579766b34a3c0cef34f02ada | I want to become a better man. | I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-want-to-become-a-better-man | Relationships | Miriam Dyak | https://counselchat.com/therapists/miriam-dyak | <p>What an important question, and the fact that you're asking it is a big step in the right direction. To answer in detail would require having quite a bit more information about what "relationship problems" have occurred that woke you up to the fact that you're not listening as well as you could and that you're running the risk of losing her.<br><br>Given that I don't have all that information, I'll offer one simple suggestion. Your girlfriend is the expert on what <span style="text-decoration: underline;">she</span> needs and wants in relationship. You could simply say to her that you know you still have a lot to learn about how to have a good relationship and you realize you're not yet understanding what she needs <span style="text-decoration: underline;">and</span> you really want to. Then take a deep breath, settle down, and listen. Don't argue, don't interrupt, don't judge... listen. Let her know what you understand and that you're open to hearing more, learning more if you're not quite getting it yet... and then listen some more. Be present and curious about this person you love dearly and don't want to lose. This is the first step toward intimacy.</p> | 0 |
579766b34a3c0cef34f02ada | I want to become a better man. | I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-want-to-become-a-better-man | Relationships | Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC | https://counselchat.com/therapists/robin-landwehr-dbh-lpcc-ncc | <p>Hello, and thank you for your question. First, I want to say that it is great that you are are willing to admit that you share some responsibility in some of the relationship problems you are having. This isn't always easy to do, but it sure is important if you want to see improvement. <br></p><p>It does sound cliche, but communication really is the bedrock of relationships. And not just intimate partner relationships, but really any relationship that is significant to us. It sounds like you are saying that you have a difficult time really listening to what your partner is telling you and then responding in a way that is helpful. I want to tell you that you are not alone. Good communication skills are not really something you are born with, we actually have to learn them. The good news is that there is great information available to help you do that. <br></p><p>Ultimately, some people must seek professional help through couple's counseling in order to get help with this process. This is because some of the hurt and anger could be at such a level already that you may need help setting boundaries, creating a plan, learning new skills, and staying on track. If that is not something you can afford or can do right now, here are a few suggestions that may help. <br></p><p>Personally, I am big fan of Dr. John Gottman. He is an expert in relationships and wrote a really great, easy-to-read book called <span style="font-style: italic;">The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. </span>Dr. Gottman discusses the kind of communication that healthy couples seem to have, which can be helpful and worth trying. You can buy Dr. Gottman's book on Amazon for under $9. It's a good deal. <br></p><p>There are a variety of websites that have good information that may help you build your communication. Here is one that I found that has a few good tips. <br></p><p>http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/effective-communication.htm</p><p> You can try them and see if they are helpful. <br></p><p>***It is important to remember that like all new skills, communication requires practice and we surely fail several times before we start getting good at it. If you were ever a pitcher in baseball, then you know you have to throw thousands of pitches before you really start hitting your strike zone consistently. Allow yourself to make mistakes, own them, and start again. <br></p><p>I hope these suggestions help, and good luck.</p><p>Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC <br></p> | 0 |
579766b34a3c0cef34f02ada | I want to become a better man. | I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-want-to-become-a-better-man | Relationships | Margaret Van Ackeren | https://counselchat.com/therapists/margaret-van-ackeren-yorba-linda | <p>Thanks for your question. Becoming a good listener is an essential piece in being a better communicator. Being an effective communicator will almost always improve the quality of your relationships. </p><p>What stands in your way of listening to her? Do you find yourself becoming defensive when she brings up issues? Do you often find yourself thinking of what you want to say next? Do you take her words personally, preventing you from having the ability to problem solve?</p><p>Here are some tips that may help you with being a better listener:</p><p>1. Concentrate on what you are hearing, not on what you will say next.</p><p>2. Ask questions if you need clarification or don't understand.</p><p>3. Summarize what you're hearing after every couple of minutes to make sure that you're not missing anything.</p><p>4. Ask your partner what she needs from you. Is she expecting advice or does she simply need to vent?</p><p>5. Keep eye contact and avoid using non-verbal cues that demonstrate defensiveness or irritation such as eye rolling or crossing your arms.</p><p>6. Remember that it's okay to disagree and, if this is the case, then decide as a team, how you want to move forward.</p><p>I hope this helps. Good luck to you!</p> | 0 |