<strong>Month 2, Day 8</strong><br/><br/><div class="floatright">(http://elliquiy.com/elluiki/images/c/cb/EvaH.jpg)</div><br/>“This is Candy Fiedler, and welcome to another installment of<em>Fiedler’s Fuckwits.</em>For those of you new to the show, this is the segment where I single out a match in which one or more pilots completely screwed the pooch, and provide a running commentary. Well, at least that’s what I usually do—this one’s so short, I’m going to have to pause it a few times.” (laughs contemptuously)<br/><br/>“Yes, it’s a failure so momentous that it will take far longer to explain than it did to actually happen. I’m talking of course about the match between ‘Railgun’ Raines and newbie pilot—I’m sorry, newbie ex-pilot—Vytautas Petrulis Mironas. Let me tell you, I’m glad this guy lost his career. If only so that after today I won’t ever have to say that fucktarded gobbledegook he calls a name.” (rolls eyes)<br/><br/>“So before we get started, let’s recap on this whole Beth Raines thing. It’s well known I’m not a fan of this woman’s public persona.” (briefly pitches voice higher, waves arms around) “‘I’m Beth Raines, I’m so sweet and down-to-earth.’” (back to normal) “Yeah, because you take the subway once in a while we’ll all forget about your multimillion dollar media empire and obscene endorsements. Keep up the philanthropy though—I’m sure nothing gets your rocks off more than watching charities grovel for sneaker money.” (shakes head)<br/><br/>“Anyway, while I’m not a fan of Beth Raines the do-gooder, I am a big fan of Beth Raines the cold-blooded killer. I don’t know why she turns into a merciless bitch in the pilot’s seat, but she does and I love it. And we’re going to see a prime example in just a bit.<br/><br/>“But I’m getting ahead of myself. Today’s fuckwit, Mironas, came into the fight with a 0-2 prelim record and a rickety, five decade old mech. And since he has absolutely no skill at aiming, his main weapon was two oversized racks of shoulder mounted heat-seeking missiles. If Helen Keller were a mech pilot, that would be her weapons load-out. But that’s the trouble with prelims, sometimes there are some really pathetic mismatches.<br/><br/>“Mironas’s sponsor was<em>extremely</em>generous. Basically, they flat out said going in that, yeah, he’s gonna lose this one—but we’ll fix the mech and give him one more chance so long as he doesn’t completely embarrass himself. That’s basically like saying to an aspiring Olympic hurdler, ‘we know you’re not capable of running or jumping, but we’ll let you race. Please try not to shit all over yourself on the track.’ Well, Mironas shat all over himself. If only they’d had the foresight to order him to forfeit.<br/><br/>“Okay, so I’m about to start the footage finally. This is your standard arena match—there’s a few barriers to hide behind and obstacles, but its mostly just open space. That’s great for Mironas and his missiles. He opens with a full volley from both launchers. Railgun makes use of her plasma cannons to thin out the salvo while simultaneously diving for cover. So she manages to get past this first attack with no real damage, and retaliates. One clean shot with the railgun, aimed at the right missile launcher. Lemme pause this and inch forward frame by frame...<br/><br/>“Now, it’s easy to miss what goes wrong for Mironas first—oh wait, no... I meant it’s impossible to miss when<em>the entire fucking top half of his MW lights up like the sun!</em>At first I thought our dear Ms. Raines was loading her shells full of tactical nukes. The truth is far more hilarious. Mironas had already fully armed<em>all three remaining salvos on both missile launchers!</em>And he was too cheap to spring for properly reinforced and armored launcher compartments!” (stops to laugh, wipes away tear) “So, yes, the freeze-frame fireball you’re now seeing is his thirty-six remaining missiles blowing his dumb ass up. This mouth-breather makes my ex-husband look like a Rhodes scholar. The explosion vaporized the launchers, the head of the mech, and stripped off three-quarters of the upper cockpit armor. To coin an ancient announcer’s phrase, ‘boom goes the dynamite.’ Basically, this means that in the very next match after her famous rescue of Brett Quinn, Railgun nearly helped Mironas earn a Darwin Award.” (giggles)<br/><br/>“I think if the officials had known about the cockpit armor thing, they would have called the match then. But amazingly, the shoulder joints were not blown off and the mech was still functional. Problem for Mironas though—his only remaining weapons were an underpowered, half-century old plasma rifle and a vibro-sword. The fact that he didn’t surrender at this point was the final nail in the coffin of his mercifully brief career. The mech was still barely salvageable here.<br/><br/>“So let’s resume the footage... The explosion clears, Mironas takes a few poor shots, Raines targets the shoulder joint and sadly, the arm that was holding the rifle is blown off.” (switches to slow motion) “Now, you’ll notice that Railgun pauses here. That’s because she was expecting—along with all the other even slightly sane people on the planet—that Mironas was about to surrender. Instead, he raises his vibro-sword above his head and uses his boosters to jump right at her.<br/><br/>“And this is why I love Beth Raines when she’s on the battlefield. She could have just stepped out the way and then counterattacked. Instead—in one smooth motion with only about a second to react mind you—she deploys the vibro-machette, stabs the enemy mech at the main reactor, and then uses the mech’s momentum to grab it and physically slam and crush it into the ground.” (laughs uproariously as this happens on screen) “What a bitch!<br/><br/>“And there’s an epilogue to this tale of woe that’s just as funny. So at this point, Mironas has ruined structural integrity, shattered armor, and a power plant about ten seconds away from shitting the bed for good. But somehow the legs, gyroscope, and sword arm all came through barely intact. So like one last scare from the killer in a horror movie, Mironas gets to his feet and jumps at her from behind. Raines trips him back down, shoots both legs—blowing them off completely—and viciously crushes his sword hand with her foot. I think she would have curb-stomped the motherfucker if he hadn’t already blown off his own head!” (completely loses it laughing as she watches this unfold)<br/><br/>“In my years of doing this segment, I can say with confidence that this is truly the most pathetic display I’ve ever seen. Vytautas Petrulis Mironas, you truly are one of<em>Fiedler’s Fuckwits!”</em>