<div align="center">(http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b22/kinghu/1-12-201317-24-18.jpg)</div><br/><br/><br/><br/><strong>Tammy where the fuck are you?!</strong><br/><br/>The scream pierced my head, but my lips didn't move.<br/><br/>Her birthday would have come in a few days, with the fallen leaves, the arrival of the fresh nights. We used to love the end of autumn so much, snuggling in front of the fireplace, watching the sunset on the ocean, listening to the music of the breakers. Now it just made me so fucking gloomy, probably wouldn't light the fire for another year, unless Cat requested it.<br/><br/>I checked myself in the mirror, not much of what was inside showed on my face. I had mastered this mask appropriately called "it's been one year already", yet I could distinctly see the hurricane behind my eyes, making my head spin and my heart crawl back in a dark cave somewhere, and there wasn't much I could have done about it.<br/><br/>(http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b22/kinghu/1d124a2289bc4fff_large.jpg)<br/><br/>I was angry at myself. Why the heck did I retire so early and thought I would make my own biz? This freedom has only brought boredom, solitude, and way too much time for the memories. These last months I couldn't even find the energy to update my web site and who needed another financial consultant nowadays? I should at least try to answer the few requests that have been waiting in my mailbox. But I guess not.<br/><br/>I looked up the clock, 4 PM, and it was almost sunset already. The sky has been clear all day, and for the<sup>n</sup>th time I checked the website, no change, her plane would arrive on time.<br/><br/>I paced up and down, hesitating to leave right away for the airport, not wanting to leave the house. But there was nothing here, just dead anchors and rumination, again and again. I did all the cleaning I could do, my little babe's room all ready. Fridge and freezer stocked. Checked, checked and checked.<br/><br/>Why did I feel scared meeting my daughter, and strangely guilty about it? I hadn't spent time with her like this for... two years now? I had to leave, I had to work, I had to be alone, she had to go to school, and communication breakdown had happened before Tammy's departure anyway.<br/><br/>Now Cat had written, said she wanted to be with me at this time.<br/><br/>What if we wouldn't get along, if we got on each other's nerves, like before. What if she would find me too depressing?  What if she wouldn't accept it? What if I didn't understand anything about her teenage life now? I knew I wouldn't. "Relax dad" she would then say with this annoying and superior look and I would get mad again.<br/><br/>Would we even hug and kiss like normal people?<br/><br/>My heart beat like crazy, I should have been be happy. Truth was, I was scared she would disrupt the miserable life of mine that I called Tammy's shrine. And what if she called me on this and found out? Did I want to explain, and argue?<br/><br/>(http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b22/kinghu/large_250843-339462-001-1317909936.jpg)<br/><br/>I checked our small interior pool, fresh water, a few drops of lavender essential oils, Tammy's idea, supposed to perfume and clean the space, but toady it just made me nauseous. At least Cat will be happy to find it waiting for, it will be good for her to relax here. Maybe we could talk here and share a drink. Was she drinking now?<br/><br/>Oh God, I thought, too many questions, I felt so alienated, scared of my daughter, my shadow, my memories. Enough. Let's go.<br/><br/>I grabbed my jacket and car keys, I would get something to eat at the airport, no use staying here.<br/><br/>(http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b22/kinghu/Beach-Road-2-03-1.jpg)