I waved at her but she didn't see me, and sat in another area.<br/><br/>"Cat" I called her awkwardly, I felt a bit shy. She tried to get up as I bowed to kiss her cheek and we hit our heads. "Well" I smiled, "welcome back." I wanted to hug her but it felt strange and I was getting much too aware of our busy environment which made me uncomfortable, so I picked up her suitcase and put the small talk on overdrive "is this everything you got- good flight - care for a bite or a drink before hitting the road."<br/><br/>In the car I was busy with driving and there were a few silences that didn't bode too well for the coming days. So I thought about honesty.<br/><br/>"I must say I have been very surprised you wanted to come and see me at this time. I still remember our last time together..." I made a face "wasn't exactly a success."<br/><br/>It had been an unmitigated disaster, ending with stupid words and me loosing my self-control and face. It had been so bad that we'd never ever mentioned it but basically have avoided each other since. I thought this was a good time for redemption. I turned to her "I'm sorry about what I did and said, I know I have excuses with mom's death, but it never felt right, and... I've had a lot of time to think about things this last year, and...  I'm not just feeling sorry for being angry and yelling at you, I..." I wondered why was it so hard apologizing to your children, a fear to show one's weaknesses perhaps, when you just want to be an example for them "I'm sorry and I deeply regret it took me almost 2 years to say I'm sorry. Know what I mean?"<br/><br/>Tammy had left us almost 3 years ago now, victim of a dizzy spell while she was swimming not far from the house. Doc had told her to be careful with her drugs, that they might  provoke intermittent blackout of her inner ear, causing loss of balance and disorientation, and that's what the autopsy had concluded.<br/><br/>I stopped the car not far from the house, where her body had been found and where I had set up a cairn. It was night, we couldn't see anything but the few rocks lit by the car. We listened to the ocean breaking on the rocks. I felt my eyes watering.<br/>