I have no intention of backing down on it :-p I've been wanting to write this book for years and just never felt I could do it justice, but I really feel that together, we can. *action bubble pops up saying "Motivational speech!" in big, dramatic, super hero action text*<br/><br/>What exactly is a Chriso-Pegan, if you don't mind my asking? I'll probably go google it here in a second too, but I figured I'd ask you as well.<br/><br/>I agree, fiction is where it is, and where it shall remain.<br/><br/>Fred and I's conversation (roughly. It was in person so I'm paraphrasing.)<br/><br/>Fred: It's so nice to see the way you've grown up Jamie. Motherhood suits you beautifully. It's really brought out the peace within you, and lets God's love shine around you in the most amazing way.<br/><br/>Me: Well, thank you, but I doubt god's love has been shining around me any time in the last 10 years man. He and I aren't exactly on speaking terms these days.<br/><br/>Fred: No... you just aren't paying close enough attention baby girl. *wraps an arm around my shoulder* his love is all over you, and I know you feel it. You had a child, when you were actively trying to prevent it, and every single probability said you shouldn't have conceived then. You aren't even supposed to be able to have a child at all, and yet, you got pregnant, on Christmas. You were lost, and hurting, and crying out for love, and god gave you a beautiful daughter. He gave her to you to soften your heart, and remind you that you are not alone, and that all that love you've always had boxed up inside you behind all your fear and anger and stubborn pride, was for a reason.<br/><br/>Me: You're right, Shey has softened my heart, and taught me to feel more love than I ever knew was possible. I'm certainly a much less angry person now. But Fred, I haven't talked to god in anything less than cursing him out when I didn't have anyone else to blame since, I don't even know when.<br/><br/>Fred: So? You think that means he doesn't still talk to you? Just because you aren't listening doesn't mean he isn't talking, and it doesn't mean he doesn't love you.<br/><br/>Me: I'm not exactly a good little christian girl these days. I can't imagine he's any to happy with what he sees. Besides, I'm tired of having to change myself to meet other peoples expectations. I really don't think I could ever do the christian thing again. God may love me, but his people sure as hell don't act like it.<br/><br/>Fred: Fuck'em. No one has any right to tell you to change. You know what I see when I look at you? And I don't just mean as an old friend and a brother, I mean as someone who loves and serves god, not some religion, not a church, but god? I see a beautiful young mother, who is doing everything she can to make a life for her child. I see a women who is filled with love, and kindness, and giving, who doesn't judge, and will do everything she can to help the people she cares about, and the rest of the world so long as they aren't doing harm to the people or principles she stands behind. I see god's love in everything you do and say, weather it be the way you instantly jumped to offering to help me clean so I could have Mazzy (freds 10 year old daughter) stay here this weekend, or how much of my pain you felt and would have gladly taken from me and born yourself if it would have helped when I told you about what Missy and Andy did to me, or in the way you talk about that beautiful baby girl of yours. I see it. Who cares if other judgmental self righteous fools wanna use claims that he is with them to try to tell you who to be. Who gives them the right anyway? Cause god sure as hell doesn't. How many times does the bible say not to judge? Allot. Besides, god made you to be who you are, every bit of it, every quirk, every flaw. Why would he ever ask you to be anything other than exactly that? So what if you fall in and out of love at the drop of a hat, that's just because you have more love in your heart than you've ever known how to cope with before. Not everyone is going to find one person, settle down, and spend forever with that person. So what if you get angry and turn into a vicious, murderous bitch who I wouldn't want to meet in a dark ally? He made you that way too, and that's why I know you'll always have my back when I need you, and why I know you will always protect those you care about. Who cares if you can love a women just as easily as you can love a man? That just goes back to what I Said before about you having to much love to judge someone based on something as trivial as gender. Jamie, you can think whatever you want, and you can tell yourself what ever you want, but at the end of the day, god made you to be just exactly as you are, and he loves you for being just that. I'm not trying to push you to turn around and live your life worshiping and praising him, I'm not asking you to do anything at all actually. I love you Jamie, and god loves you, no matter how much you think he doesn't. You are loved more than you could ever fathom, by him, by your daughter, and by me, and I just couldn't sit here and listen to you say you didn't think so. *pulls me close and hugs me tightly*<br/><br/>Me: *bawls for the next 10 minutes or more while Fred continues to hug me and rock me back and forth like a child.*<br/><br/><br/><br/>.... yeah... that's the gist of it. There was more about how I used to be so angry, and that still fights to get through, but I'm just tired of being angry all the time etc etc etc.<br/><br/>---<br/><br/>Post related! Lixi rolled a 4 to focus enough to hear the convo.<br/><br/>Andres also rolled low on figuring out that Martin was having a chat with something in his head, and is oblivious to anything but his discomfort with the situation with his 7<br/><br/>Crowley rolls a 16 to not instantly pounce on Adja and tare her clothes off, and is opting instead to get kinky with some light bondage if she goes with it.