<span class="bbc_size" style="font-size: 14pt;"><strong>"How I Became A Werewolf - Part 4/4"</strong></span><br/><br/>INT. DINGY MOTEL ROOM – MORNING<br/><br/>JANE sits on the chair, wearing a ‘Weird Science’ T-shirt, boxers and knee-high gym socks.  Her hair is sleep tousled.  There is a skull and a glass of soy milk on the nightstand beside her.<br/><br/>JANE twiddles her fingers in greeting.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>Hi, gang!  Welcome to our last and final installment of “How I Became A Werewolf,” “How To Not Be A Werewolf Any Longer.”</div><br/>JANE gestures toward the skull.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>This is my co-host, Rita. </div><br/><br/>JANE looks at the skull while drinking some milk.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>Not going to say hello, Rita?  That’s unlike you.</div><br/>She sets the milk down.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>You’re usually so chatty.</div><br/>JANE turns back to the camera, steepling her fingers.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>Well, Rita is being shy, kids, but hopefully she’ll chime in later in the program when we come to the subject of getting to know her.  First, I blind you with science:</div><br/>She leans in, finger raised.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>Lycanthropy has a cure. </div><br/><br/>She nods seriously.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>Lycanthropy, that is the condition of turning into a batshit-nuts monster every time you get your period, has a cure.  It must have a cure.  Any disease has an origin, and that means, it can be eliminated and cured.</div><br/>JANE touches her chest.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>I, Jane Chomsky, have taken it upon myself to find the cure.  I resolved to do this after I ate all twelve of Mrs. VanWyk’s cats.  My resolve was later firmed after I ate the upholstery out of my new Prius. </div><br/>JANE socks her fist into her palm.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>I swore then I would not fail!<br/>(beat)<br/>Problem was, I had no test subjects.</div><br/>JANE picks up her milk and settles back.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>Science needs test subjects.  And when a scientific process is just starting off, you need to get a little messy.  </div><br/>She sips, laughs, then sets the glass back.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>I couldn’t very well just shoot myself up with random drugs!  I needed a lab rat.<br/>(beat)<br/>Lab wolf.  Whatever.</div><br/>JANE drums her fingertips together.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>(in a Dr. Evil voice)<br/>Fortunately, Sonja had an address book she was no longer using.</div><br/>JANE settles her hands.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>I did some Googling and found out that one of Sonja’s pathetically few friends was in an area where there had been some recent large animal sightings and pet disappearances.</div><br/>Her eyebrow climbs.  She nods.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>Mhmmm.</div><br/>Her hands sit on her thighs.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>Stalking people is really easy, viewers at home.  This is because most people don’t pay attention to who’s following them.  Little clues like repeat sightings, a car following a few lanes over, a few pieces of missing mail – it trips no alarms.</div><br/>She shakes her head.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>Drugging someone?  Pretty easy too.  Especially when, like Sonja’s friend, you’re talking about a suburban mom with a regular smoothie habit.</div><br/>She glances to the side; glances back.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>Just get past the feeling of your pee freezing when you put the rohypnol in her juice, and you’ll do fine.</div><br/>She glances to the side; glances back.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>Unless you don’t have werewolf strength like I do.<br/>(beat)<br/>Best bring a friend to move the body.</div><br/>JANE leans back to finish her milk.  She revolves the glass in her hands.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>Once you’ve got her tied to the surgical table you’ve installed in the new double-wide you bought under a fake name, put some bona fide, pure wolfbane extract around her.  It discourages any surprising explosions into wolfiness.</div><br/>JANE sits to the edge of the chair.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>With the medical tubing tight and the wolfbane kicking, the werewolf will have no choice but to talk.  And talk she will!</div><br/>JANE rolls her eyes.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>On and on about Mother Nature and circles of life and all that Lion King bullshit, and yadda yadda, please I have three kids—</div><br/>JANE slices the air with her hand, glaring.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>You just keep in mind that her kids are better without a mom who’ll eat them like jujubes if she forgets her Pamprin one month.  You just keep in mind that you’re finding a cure – that you did not want to be this way, all wolf-prone and gay – and that it is people like her, who tolerate that kind of granola crap about werewolves being a force for good that are ruining the lives of perfectly happy bio-chem majors!</div><br/>She catches her breath, shaking.  JANE settles back.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>Hyaluronic genetic washes are not the cure.  Nor are anti-phase cellular rejection therapies.  Enzymatic regression just causes a rapid, fatal cancer.</div><br/>JANE broods.  Then she brightens, turning on the skull.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>So, Rita?  What do you do you when your lab wolf shrivels up and dies?</div><br/>JANE listens, cupping her hands together in front of her face.  Then she nods.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>Righty-O – you get a new one!</div><br/>She reaches out to rub the skull.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>Which brings us to Rita here.  Lovely Rita, leeter maid.</div><br/>JANE looks back at the camera.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>Rita was Sonja’s BFF, and she had gone into hiding.  A little creative sleuthing, mostly thanks to some sappy vacation photos Sonja had, led me to the cabin where she was hiding out.</div><br/>JANE grins crookedly at the skull.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>You had solar panels and motion detectors to go with your herb garden and recyclable toilet.  I just thought that was as precious as modern primitive can be.</div><br/>JANE jabs a thumb at the skull, talks to the camera.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>Rita had quite the set up, but I managed to sneak right up to her porch and give her a kiss hello from Mr. Remington, right on the lower back, point blank.</div><br/>JANE smiles fondly with the skull, like a married couple.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>And then you gave me my name.</div><br/>She sighs and then dips down to pick up a T-shirt from beside the chair – the same T-shirt she wore earlier, with her face and ‘CANNIBAL JANE’ on it.  She lifts it to the camera.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>Cannibal Jane, she called me.<br/>(imitating a southern drawl badly)<br/>‘We all’re coming to know you, Cannibal Jane.  We call you that ‘cause you prey on your own kind.’</div><br/>JANE peeks around the T-shirt.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>Rita did a lot of talking too.</div><br/>She sets it down.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>About where the werewolves nest, where they group, their tribes, the things they like and don’t like – it was like a freakin’ eight-part NOVA series narrated by a naked paraplegic strapped to a table!</div><br/>JANE settles.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>Then, after I’d recorded it all, I got to work on her.<br/>(beat)<br/>Chemicals were played out.  So I went to the knife and fire with Rita.</div><br/>JANE glances at the skull.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>I did a lot of good work on you before you pooped out, girlfriend.</div><br/>JANE hides her mouth from the skull with a hand and stage whispers to the camera.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>It was gross.</div><br/>She sobers and slumps back.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>Science usually is, though.  This won’t be a process fit for princesses.  But compared to waking up with pieces of somebody’s schnauzer stuck in your eye teeth, well, small price to pay.</div><br/>She grins wide.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>And I’ll have plenty of opportunity to pay it.  See, Rita had quite the Cerebro set-up at her cabin.  She was keeping tabs on the whole werewolf nation.  Total furry friendster.</div><br/>JANE nods.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE <br/>So I’ll work my way down the list.  </div><br/>She pokes at the camera.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE <br/>I will find the cure.</div><br/>She pokes both fingers.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>And I will get on Survivor.</div><br/>JANE beams and shrugs.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>If wiping out the werewolf menace with medical testing and auto shotguns can’t get you on Survivor, then, Jeff, I just don’t know what more there is to say.</div><br/>Her smile begins to sink.<br/><br/>JANE looks at the skull.  She looks suspiciously at the camera.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>Hm.</div><br/>JANE looks at the rifle.  She looks back at the skull.  She looks at the camera.<br/><br/>She picks up the remote.<br/><br/><div align="center">JANE<br/>Then again, maybe I should think twice about letting anyone see this tape.</div><br/>The video shuts off.<br/>