<span class="bbc_font" style="font-family: georgia;"><em>~ Marisol -- Day Two -- First Diary ~</em><br/><br/>"I'll be completely honest when I tell you...I kind of don't want to do this," Marisol said as she spoke into the camera. She had been having such a great time with Marcus and Mila when the thought of the Diary Room had spurred her into action and she had found herself walking down the hallway. And while a part of her did NOT want to do this, she knew that it was not only necessary for the Researchers...it was necessary for her. She had entered and shut the door and had done everything that was required to get the video started and now she was sitting there...and she was at a loss for what to say.<br/><br/>Brushing her hair behind her shoulder, Marisol looked at the camera  -- at herself, really -- and said quietly, "I don't think I can do this." She went to stand up and paused for a moment, thinking of Mila...Nicci...and the boys. It wasn't for her she had to do this...but for them. Each of them in a way were looking for the same thing and if she turned out to not be strong enough to do the Experiment...what then? What would happen to Mila? Would she have to go back to a family who shunned her? What about Nicci? Would she be alone, trying to find her place in the world? The decision to do this was not just for her...it was for what the Experiment stood for.<br/><br/>Mari slowly sat back down again and ran her tongue along her lower lip, saying in a quiet tone, "I think...I'm a little over my head here." She looked away, at anywhere but the camera recording her and felt a sense of fear clutch her heart. "See, I want this...<em>so bad</em> that I feel like I'm going to ruin it." She looked down at her hands, smoothing her hands up and down her jeans as she admitted quietly, "I already ruined it with Bo."<br/><br/>A slight frown crossed over her features. She hadn't meant to start off with Bo...but he was the one in her thoughts. "I don't think he likes me, you know? He...He's already in love with Nicci. And I feel...I don't think it's right for me to impose on that." Marisol shrugged slightly as she leaned back in the seat, looking at the camera, seeing the sad expression on her face and letting out an uncomfortable chuckle, "It's not like he HAS to like me. Sometimes in a Poly family...there's just two individuals who are not as attracted to one another as the others. I think that'll be okay...right? I hope so." Her eyes grew a bit distant as she thought of the brief kiss she had shared with Bo, her voice a soft whisper, "I really thought he would like me though..."<br/><br/>She had to stop thinking about Bo! "David," She suddenly blurted out, thankful that she was alone in the Diary Room and not in the living room or somewhere where all of them were around. That would have been embarrassing! With a smile she ran her fingers through her hair and felt herself relax. She could speak about him. "Poor David. I almost feel bad for him...I mean, he's jumping in on this at the tail end and we've already...experienced a lot. Well, not a lot but enough to form a slight bond. But he's handling himself well. I think...I think he'll be a bit more stable than Vince." A sad smile crossed her lips as she thought about Vince. "I liked Vince...it was sad to see him leave...but I think if it had to happen, then it was best to do it at the very beginning." She nodded a bit more confidently, "I think David was -- is a good alternate. I'm looking forward to getting to know him a bit more."<br/><br/>Marisol paused for a moment, and suddenly a soft smile crossed her lips. Marcus. The one man she was certain of! Her eyes grew a bit glassy and her voice was a soft sigh as she said softly, "Marcus. I think he's the only one I'm certain of. I think...our chemistry is..." She thought about the kiss and swallowed hard, feeling a tremor of awareness run down her body. She cleared her throat and murmured, her voice husky, "...Marcus is the one man I know wants me. And I'm pretty sure he knows I want him too. He's strong...and he's...I don't know. A leader. At least, he looks like a born leader to me. But he also has a soft side; a funny side." She closed her eyes and smiled softly, "I wonder what it's like to wake up in his arms..."<br/><br/>Shaking her head, Marisol felt...too exposed. Too open. She ran her fingers through her hair once more and said quickly, "It's not that I don't want to be here. I do. A lot. I just...I don't feel like I completely belong? I keep trying to reassure the girls and let them know that they are both wanted by the men and...I don't even know if <strong>I'm</strong> wanted. I feel like...we're on the show Survivor...and I'm going to get voted off the island." She grinned slightly but in her eyes, as she stared into the video, shone the truth of her statement. There was  a brief moment of silence before Marisol felt her lips curve up into a fond smile, the affection in her tone obvious, "I already feel like Mila and Nicci are a part of my family. So...I'll do anything to make them feel safe. I'll put my feelings and my thoughts aside and focus on them. Because they need me more than I need me."<br/><br/>The last statement jarred her...and Marisol knew that was it. She couldn't speak anymore about her feelings. So after a quiet, "Bye..." She stood up and stopped the video, her chest feeling tight. She needed fresh air...needed to get out of the room.</span>