<span class="bbc_font" style="font-family: Ravi;"><span class="bbc_size" style="font-size: 10pt;">The pie was perfect. <br/><br/>It was beautifully golden brown, with that hard won crisp to the crust that begged for a fork to touch into it. The top was a dome, the scent of apples and cinnamon wafted in the air around her like incense almost. It was probably the best pie she had ever baked but as she stood staring at it, resting so mundanely on the counter she felt the panic in her chest brewing. The panic was illogical, founded in nothing that had true substance. She knew that. The analytical part of her brain was detached, examining her emotional distress over the sense that her plans were crumpling around her and she was destroying the very thing she wanted to build up. Maybe it would be best to focus on just one relationship at a time though, to focus on becoming better for Colin and her. Only how could she do that if he was the only person she interacted with on a personal level? <br/><br/>Agitated she discarded the oven mitts, letting them go sliding across the counter to lay where they fell in a very un-Bethany like fashion. As was the way she slammed the oven shut. Her hands clung to the oven bar though, white knuckled as she felt the heat from it started to penetrate through the metal, as if it were reaching out for her. With a shudder she pulled away, taking in one breath slowly, exhaling it with a sigh at the end. Social butterfly she might not be, but she knew how to read people, that was part of her work after all and even though she had done everything she could think of it was clear she had only upset Ardy. <br/><br/>It was just that it was... rather impossible for her to have friends on a superficial level, and yet she struggled with any sort of intimacy that required her to speak of things that fell outside of the 'polite' spectrum she had been taught as a child. Through research and her work she knew it was likely an issue starting from what had happened with Lucas, with the abuse and assault, though compounded by her family's reaction to it. To be told her pain was unseemly, that it didn't matter, not as much as doing the 'proper' thing. It was part of why she got so furious with herself for being trapped within the walls of a prison in her own mind. She only interacted well on a 'proper' level when speaking with other people, anything else had her feeling dangerously out of control, as if she were slipping down some rabbit hole by feeling and sharing those feelings and the fear of just where she'd end up when she landed from the tumble had her clawing at the roots of the tree rather then letting go. <br/><br/>She could let go. Possibly. But the clinging to what she knew was at least passably safe had become ingrained in her, and fear kept her in that holding pattern. Something had to break, had to give eventually. There were some nights when she lay awake at Colin's side and thought of how much he meant to her, of how happy she was with him and yet she never said it, not well. She loved him, but those words were a struggle for her to say. If even half the stuff she thought to say actually came out of her mouth she would be talking constantly. Instead she was known to be soft spoken, demure. <br/><br/>There were steps she had taken though, Bethany pointed that out to herself. She had learned to trust again, with Colin, though she knew that trust couldn't go much further because she didn't trust herself. How could she? But she had reclaimed her body, found love, a sexual relationship that was tender rather than humiliating and she had her work. Surely it couldn't be that hard to cultivate a friendship. Only it was. Because with Ardy she didn't have the short cut she did with Colin. She couldn't just walk up to her friend and kiss those full lips and let that kiss speak all the words she never had the strength to voice. Or... well she could but that wouldn't go over well. Amused at her thoughts a half hysterical laugh welled to her lips as she turned herself back toward the pie. She couldn't hide out in the kitchen like a coward after making that offer. <br/><br/>Pie. And ice cream. <br/><br/>A tug had the freezer open, her hand going to bring out the cherry ice cream she loved, as well as more traditional vanilla. Spoons, dessert plates, tray, she was assembling it all when she heard Colin's footsteps and turned toward them, her blue gray eyes concerned, teeth digging into her lower lip. "I made a mess of it, didn't I?" The question was out before she could think about it, and for a moment that self loathing she normally hid so well spilled out. "I know I can do better then this, I know I can improve, I refuse to be stuck here, to let what... to let that pain stunt the rest of my life. Why is it so damn hard for me to act like a normal person?" Defeated her shoulders slumped, head bowing as tears rushed to her eyes and she raised her hands to cup her face, trying to hide them. "Why do you put up with me?"</span></span>