<em>~ Nicci - Day Two - First Diary Post ~</em><br/><br/>Nicci followed the instructions and then sat back, looking at the screen and the image of her on it. She had thought that unburdening herself, kinda using it as a journal, a diary would help her, but what she wanted to do was switch it off, go upstairs and write it all out, scribble and draw too the way she normally did.  She smiled at herself, then her smile grew larger in response.  It really was odd looking at yourself in this way.  She was tempted to make faces, like a child, and be really silly and she rolled her eyes at herself which made her chuckle, "Ok......ok, I know, but this is a bit weird guys....."<br/><br/>"So....." she added after a moment, her voice dropping down a tone, "First impressions....."Well Vince leaving kinda freaked me out at first.."  She still couldn't really say what she was thinking, it felt very artificial and really weird.<br/><br/>She took her eyes down so she was just looking at the desk and then at her hands in her lap, she knew she was supposed to be really baring her soul but it really wasn't something she could do that easily.<br/><br/>"Honestly...... the whole thing has been kinda scarey. I think mainly because I had already invested in it, fully, before I came........  opened my heart, and made myself really think of it as an arranged marriage like you said.  I know most of my life I have detached myself, played safe, I learned the hard way.......  Well.........  I'd thought it through before I came, I knew to make it work I had to start, from the very beginning really open, really connecting and feeling my own love grow from the very first.<br/><br/>Well..... it...... I must have been more successful than I thought because the kind of things I would normally find easy are so much more emotionally invested, and so much more scarey."<br/><br/>"I'm afraid..."<br/><br/>She swallowed, looking round, wishing there was a glass of water, her mouth going completely dry.  "It's hard caring so much about what people think of you, I thought at first that Marcus didn't even like me that much at all, I mean he was polite, but his eyes were always so soft and so loving when he looked at the other girls, and feeling he didn't want me was so much harder than I thought it would be..... because I so much wanted him.... to want me.........."<br/><br/>She sat quietly for a moment, letting the painful feelings subside a little, "I'm pleased though," she said looking up, "That David is here, he's just so much more part of us all already. He's very... well." she smiled, "He's just lovely.."<br/><br/>Time to talk about Bo, and she wasn't sure if she wanted to, it almost felt disloyal talking about him when he wasn't there, "Bo is special, he cares too, but I don't think he does in the same way I do........."  She frowned slightly, "I think in the outside world he would have judged me very harshly, more than David or Marcus would, but he also has so much to give, so much to find, I want to make it...... make it right for him......... " she realised she also kinda felt protective of him, she wanted to heal his wounds and bring him joyous love that healed his heart.<br/><br/>"This whole open thing, it makes the physical connection with them much stronger too, I mean they are all handsome and very sexy men, and sure in real life I'd flirt with them, and if I was introduced to them on the party scene they are definitely the kind of guy I am attracted to. Lord very much so...... but still the whole dynamic feels very different, I feel so vulnerable and so much more connected to them, so much more invested......"<br/><br/>As her voice became quieter she fell silent, her thoughts running on as her eyes unfocussed and her feelings came more into view..<br/><br/>It took a few moments before she lifted her eyes, "And the girls, well, I have longed all my life for a family, to feel that I belonged, no...... not just belonged... that someone cared for me, really cared.....  it is one of the few things I envied the boys that joined up, they became part of something, always had someone at their back, someone who would help them fight.....   They are both truly beautiful women and then men adore them already, I have even deeper hopes I suppose where they are concerned and it feels....... well it feels that we have started on the right path......."<br/><br/>She brought her feet up onto the edge of the chair and leaning back slightly clasped her knees, "The place is beautiful I think I fell in love on the boat, the island is... well it sort of speaks to one, I envy the man that owns all this, I can't believe he gave it up even for a moment, but for a whole year, well we  are very lucky, I think it will be very hard to leave....."<br/><br/>The thought of leaving made her focus on her face on the screen again, focusing too on the very nature of the whole experiment, "For me, this is the crux of it all, the test for the rest of my life, I expect that is why it all means so much, it may help me make sense of all the shit that has happened to me  already, and hopefully prove to me that I can be happy and find the kind of love I so really want."<br/><br/>"I'm kinda glad you can't talk back to me, "she grinned, "I mean I can imagine some of the things you guys would be saying right now, and yeah.... don't worry I know the score........  "<br/><br/>"So........ so far so good, scary and wonderful at the same time, and tonight I think will be a big step for all of us. I'm glad we are going to go ahead with it though, I was starting to worry people would start paring off and it would be harder after that to come together as a group, if we begin the sexual relationship all together, it makes the whole thing more possible somehow."<br/><br/>There wasn't really any point in trying to say goodbye, and she didn't want to say anymore, it was really tiring she realised, letting go so much, so she leaned forwards and snapped the connection off, standing up and stretching.  She wondered it it would get any easier, she was sure it would, hopefully a lot of things would get easier, she thought smiling as she left the room.