jrfish/AuthorMix · Datasets at Hugging Face

category stringclasses 4 values	author stringclasses 14 values	text stringlengths 6 1.21k
blog	blog_5_5	This way, I get to feel positive and motivated and successful. The calculator says I lost weight. Also, I want to point out that raw tuna is an excellent value, calorie-wise. A good weekend all around, really.
blog	blog_5_5	6:49 a.m. Wednesday, Day 107.
blog	blog_5_5	due on May 10. Do you think you could support us on that one if we go for it?"
blog	blog_5_5	Also I’m making a giant salad, and I’ll bring it in a cooler so it doesn’t get all wilty, and I can eat it whenever, and anyone else can join in. I’m bringing soup for my breakfast, and also a couple cans of tuna and salmon.
blog	blog_5_5	6:37 a.m. Thursday, Day 122. Damn that restaurant!
blog	blog_5_5	Kind of a musty flavor, not appetizing. Also not enough solid ingredients, just a few bits of potato and carrot. I will be needing a snack later this morning.
blog	blog_5_5	7:05 a.m. Wednesday. Feeling pretty good today.
blog	blog_5_5	Did a little gardening. Nothing all that strenuous, but I’m going to give myself 100 calories.
blog	blog_5_5	Little, easily-managed, bite-sized goals. Yes. Well. Maybe later.
blog	blog_5_5	7:11 a.m. Thursday, Day 108. Feeling remarkably good this morning, considering my typical night.
blog	blog_5_5	I have all sorts of awkward, kludged-together extensions on most of my necklai, so they can fit around my neck, and have recently discovered that I can, in many cases, remove them. Yesterday I just couldn’t stand to glide or SensibleGym or bellydance, so I put on my brand new Best of KC and the Sunshine Band, and danced around the house to almost the whole thing (40 minutes worth). According to the calorie calculator I use, that’s 423 calories! Heck, that almost balances out the martinis.
blog	blog_5_5	It’s hard work for me, maybe not for someone else. Here’s some fun news. My new jeans?
blog	blog_5_5	How can my bank and my new photo library go belly-up at the same time? 9:18 a.m. Okay, got through to the bank, and they do think I have a savings account. An ever-dwindling account Whew!
blog	blog_5_5	No actifed, no melatonin. Just a chocolate brownie right before bedtime.
blog	blog_5_5	Also need to work on the candle holder. And the giant list of things to do around the house in order to sell it.
blog	blog_5_5	The Orifice): my level of stress and unhappiness caused both chemical and emotional conditions that prevented it. So now I’m in another, albeit lesser, period of anxiety, and I’m finding it difficult to stick with a rigorous, self-imposed regimen of hard work.
blog	blog_5_5	I'm assuming they'll close down the office after New Year's. LATER. 10:09 a.m. Just finished an HOUR of exercise.
blog	blog_5_5	Not much, but it will help with the metabolism. I rule.
blog	blog_5_5	I’ll admit the first few seasons of "The Real World" were entertaining, in a horrible sort of way, but enough’s enough. These programs are so devoid of content they’ve resorted to minutes of ominous-sounding music with out-of-context shots of silent people gazing thoughtfully/recklessly/intrepidly/blankly/balefully at what is probably a small bug walking up the wall. Also, I have never heard such inarticulate human speech since The Planet of the Apes.
blog	blog_5_5	I’m glad I don’t really have a deadline for this weight loss. Because it’s not going to end. I guess I kind of have known that all along, and definitely realized it when embarking on this particular effort.
blog	blog_5_5	The squirrels, of course, are always here, but the migratory birds have started showing up. The hummingbird came three days ago. Usually they show up on May 1, but there’s always an outrider who arrives a couple weeks ahead of that. To set up camp?
blog	blog_5_5	The water was too cold to swim, but we were happy to sit on our chairs, drink, read, and watch the waves. I didn’t track my food AT ALL. It was as though the entire concept just flew out of my brain as soon as I got in the car.
blog	blog_5_5	I know it's weird to be congratulating myself for a mere hour-and-a-half without eating, but whenever I try to diet, I immediately become obsessed with food. I try to find a lot of no-cal food so I can eat constantly. Which doesn't work, because I'm still thinking about food and eating it, which doesn't break the habit or pattern or whatever it is.
blog	blog_5_5	Now I am finishing up my work emailing before vacation, trying to do my timesheet, etc. My hip is still bothering me. I’m not happy about that, because it hurts when I walk, and I want to do a lot of walking on vacation. I think the bellydancing may have caused the strain, and then the gliding is exacerbating it. So perhaps it’s a good thing that I’ll be away from the glider for a couple weeks.
blog	blog_5_5	It's not that the last time was so different from the other times, just that I had all the tools together at one time. So maybe this will be like that. That would be so nice.
blog	blog_5_5	The floor is DISGUSTING. Our vacuum cleaner is dying a slow death, so I haven’t been using it much.
blog	blog_5_5	That will give me something to look forward to. I hope to do some more work on the candle holder today. I'm not entirely happy with the color of the base coat, possibly because I can't quite decide what color I want it to be, so it's a bit of a hodgepodge. My plan today is to decide whether to go more yellow-ochre or more burnt sienna, and then mix up a spit coat of the chosen hue (haven't decided whether glaze or polyurethane) and give it several light coats to solidify the color and add some depth.
blog	blog_5_5	Your car is covered every day, and you’ll need to wash it a couple times a week if you want to see out the windshield. Everything looks dull and dusty.
blog	blog_5_5	As I eventually discovered, initially I was losing MORE weight than what my calculations showed. However, the loss has stopped, or slowed down so much as to be imperceptible, so I’m not confident that I really did lose any this week. I might need another week or so On Plan for it to kick in. But, my method is to use a hypothetical universe, and I’m sticking with it.
blog	blog_5_5	So no updates until Monday or maybe Tuesday.
blog	blog_5_5	Probably I should paint some more sample boards. I just need to keep busy.
blog	blog_5_5	I was at the end of my rope with that application (more later), the weather was depressing as hell, and I was getting cranky, so I asked Bucko to pick up dinner on the way home. Usually that means a Wendy's salad for me, but I wanted something warm, so I got a sub AND a small clam chowder. So there is no denying I was comforting myself with food.
blog	blog_5_5	That's fantastic for me. I had an apple, which was delicious, hence the name.
blog	blog_5_5	That helps. I made the most delicious stir-fry on Wednesday, did I rave about it yet?
blog	blog_5_5	More random thoughts: whenever I am "done" with losing weight, I will have to maintain it. I think I need to work exercise into my life in a more natural way. And here’s another thing.
blog	blog_5_5	And it was so good, I ate the other half. Then I felt like an eating disordered freak on a giant binge, mindlessly putting food into my mouth until finally my stomach could handle no more (Mr. Creosote, anyone?).
blog	blog_5_5	My high end is 1800 calories, and right now I’m at 912.
blog	blog_5_5	Because I am far too lazy and too self-conscious to go buy it. Therefore, this way I am not relying on willpower, I’m setting up an environment where I can’t drink. I’m having a glass of water right now, with my coffee.
blog	blog_5_5	I’d typecast myself into the wrong clique, and gotten a reputation as a poser, someone who jumped from nerd to cowboy to freak and back again, so I wasn’t liked by any of the groups. Irony, anyone?
blog	blog_5_5	I had no idea American women were so unattractive. And so obviously whorish and lazy.
blog	blog_5_5	Excellent (Mr. Burns impression). Cooking dinner now — baked chicken legs, baked sweet potato, and sauteed green beans. Very light on the oil with the green beans — maybe a teaspoon in the whole pan.
blog	blog_5_5	When they start gaining a few pounds around the holidays, they cut down on the desserts and snacking for a few months and lose some weight. There's only two extremes of the spectrum who eat healthy food and exercise daily: athletes and fat people. LATER. 12:46 p.m. Damn.
blog	blog_5_5	Otherwise okay. But the dreams. Gah.
blog	blog_5_5	Brief version: Dominick Dunne was on his way to prison for refusing to reveal a source on the stand, and I ran into him in the airport (?) as he said his farewells to family and friends. I rushed up to him and gushed all over in a fan-like way, and instead of being repulsed, he immediately loved me and promised to write to me from jail.
blog	blog_5_5	7:08 a.m. Monday, Day 112. Here is what I dreamed last night: I dreamed I was in art school, and the classes sucked and the tuition was high, and we were obviously getting massively ripped off by the school.
blog	blog_5_5	Which right now is 7 days. I should do this too. I need a small goal, like I was writing about yesterday.
blog	blog_5_5	So here’s my middle-of-the-road, no-real-decision plan: today I will get everything filled out, printed out, ready to go. I will put it in a nice clean folder by the computer. As soon as the schedule at The Orifice begins to go awry, I’ll shove it in the fax machine and hit Send.
blog	blog_5_5	So moving on from the Chinese food... talked to my brother a few days ago. He cracks me up. He’s probably the smartest person I’ve ever met, and his conversation is... eclectic.
blog	blog_5_5	MUCH higher than my typical lunch, but on the other hand, as a result I haven’t snacked all afternoon. So it’s a tradeoff, my total for the day should be within goal. It’s actually hot today; I haven’t seen the weather but I’m going to guess in the mid 80s.
blog	blog_5_5	8:20 a.m. Sunday, Day 118. Feeling okay, slept okay, somewhat better mood.
blog	blog_5_5	But I wore it. Oh yes, I was desperate.
blog	blog_5_5	But I have a nice healthy dinner planned, of more chicken, that lovely eggplant ratatouille or whatever it’s called, and broccoli. 5:37 Got another 10 minutes gliding in.
blog	blog_5_5	Not quite enough sleep, I woke up at 5:30, but I’m doing okay. Dreams? Yes.
blog	blog_5_5	They're about as many calories as water, so I'm not concerned with how many I eat, but I don't really have any desire to eat a lot of celery anyway. I'm going to strip some more wallpaper, wait for the hvac guy to show up, and I don't know what else. Maybe pack some stuff.
blog	blog_5_5	It's so much like quitting smoking. I'm not sure when I REALLY committed to doing it — certainly not at the beginning. Sure, one part of me wanted to quit, but another part didn't, in a big way. For a lot of the time, I felt like I was just going through the motions, and waiting for this little charade to end so I could smoke again.
blog	blog_5_5	I grabbed a pencil and wrote down the topics he covered in a 20 minute phone call, although I gave up halfway through. Each one followed logically from the previous, although now I can’t see some of the connections. It's not wild-eyed rambling, though, this was all intelligent, meaningful conversation.
blog	blog_5_5	It was only after the vest incident that I gave up and became self-righteously and virulently an outsider and a bad kid. I think I decided that I was helpless to control any part of my life, in a world where such a tiny detail could have such ultimate, Kafka-esque result (please see the movie "Brazil" for perfect analogy to this story). And when you feel helpless, or scared, you become angry.
blog	blog_5_5	Somehow my whining prevailed, and they bought me a poly-fiber filled vest from Sears. Instead of the down vest from North Face.
blog	blog_5_5	And yet, I got a lot of stuff accomplished, which I don’t usually do when I’m mopey. I worked 3 or 4 hours on real work, for which I will get paid, I cleaned and primed that new piano bench, gave it a first coat, and I’ve eaten nothing but vegetables all day. It’s 5:30 and I’ve had 430 calories so far.
blog	blog_5_5	Never copy what your cool older brother does. Like all the kids in my family, my brother was a talented artist. In high school, he did a lot of detailed pencil drawings, mostly copies of album covers and pages from Sports Illustrated.
blog	blog_5_5	He’s sort of a weiner. I’m voting for Hector.
blog	blog_5_5	We’re in the middle of the tree pollen season, where the pine trees shed a fine, greenish powder all over everything, every day, for about three weeks. It is absolute hell for people with allergies, and a great annoyance otherwise. The temperature is so nice, it’s not humid yet, it’s sometimes breezy, everything is growing and it smells wonderful, but you can’t keep the windows open.
blog	blog_5_5	6:45 a.m. Tuesday, Day 120. Feeling quite chipper this morning.
blog	blog_5_5	So I know I should be impressed with my initiative and fortitude, but they ain’t paying the bills. However, TOMORROW is drinking night, and you bet your ass I’m having martinis! Tomorrow will be better.
blog	blog_5_5	Yeah, I’m trying to kill him). Have another bunch of things on my list today.
blog	blog_5_5	I can’t tolerate any deprivation, or even moderation. When I’m not feeling this way, I realize that if this particular meal isn’t 100 percent fulfilling and filling, so what, there’s another one coming up in a few hours. When I’m in this panic state, I can’t see that, I can’t wait for another four hours.
blog	blog_5_5	I’m most of the way done, now it’s just the trim and redoing the grout. Heh, "just." That will take as long as the walls, since the trim is filthy and I’ll need to clean that and the floor first. Also trying to clean our filthy upstairs shower, on and off for a couple days. Haven’t found anything that will make the floor white again, not even straight bleach.
blog	blog_5_5	Also, TWO male cardinals have appeared at once. Again with the territorial wars, because when the dust settles we’ll have only one in our yard. The women haven’t arrived yet.
blog	blog_5_5	The food becomes the only thing that matters, and nothing else can distract me. Where is this coming from? It reminds me of once (at band camp), a friend’s therapist said that when people become stressed, they develop "tunnel vision," their peripheral vision actually shuts down. It’s a coping mechanism, to cut down on the amount of distraction until they have dealt with the crisis at hand.
blog	blog_5_5	Drinking my seltzer water, and then perhaps I'll have cherry tomatoes later for my afternoon snack. Right now I'm going to paint some more sample boards, and then perhaps more wallpaper.
blog	blog_5_5	2:20 p.m. I just took a break from formatting the proposal and laid in the sun in my backyard for 30 minutes. I know, that’s so unlike me!
blog	blog_5_5	The annoying thing is, I haven't exactly gone OFF program, I’m just not hitting it quite hard enough. I’m not having eating binges, I haven’t quit exercising, I still THINK I’m on a program, but I’ve become too lax, and I’m not losing weight anymore. I’m just not doing quite enough: like, I’m fifteen minutes short of exercising enough, or eating just 120 calories too many.
blog	blog_5_5	Or will be soon. Bucko is bringing home Chinese food for dinner, so this won’t be a low calorie day for me, but I’ll try to come in at least within goal. I think I can make that.
blog	blog_5_5	No, I changed my mind. I AM so pathetic that I need that kind of thing.
blog	blog_5_5	It isn't. Normal people eat whatever they want and watch TV all day.
blog	blog_5_5	It occurs to me that this isn't too difficult when I have good food in the house and the time/desire to prepare it. When it will be hard is being faced with fast food or grazing on whatever crap is easy to eat. The smart thing to do on days like that would be to have soup for dinner, or a tuna sandwich, but I think it will be too frustrating — food is such a reward, I won't be happy with a crappy dinner. Perhaps I'd better make something yummy that I can keep in the freezer for just such an event. I can see it is very important to make your lifestyle support the diet.
blog	blog_5_5	They’re very nice guys and everything, one of them speaks English, but it’s kind of weird having them around. They’re painting right outside the office, in the foyer, so I can’t just come and go at will without interrupting them. I felt a little weird about sitting in full sight in the kitchen eating lunch, too, so I just made a quickie salad of leftover tuna and tomato.
blog	blog_5_5	Apparently for me it’s important to take on challenges in little pieces; I don’t want to see a huge, gray, endless mountain of effort ahead of me (no, really?). If I think of this as a one-week effort, then my brain will make a little contest of it, get psyched into trying to see how well I can eat, how much water I can drink, how many hours I can exercise. If I consider it as a one-year-plus-forever project, then my brain tries to find ways to cheat and lie. Because it seems like a prison sentence, and my brain is very sensibly trying to escape.
blog	blog_5_5	2:20 p.m. And PhotoIsland is working now too. Tahiti trip, if anyone is interested.
blog	blog_5_5	Then I sauteed it at medium-high temperature, with soy sauce and a dash of sesame oil. I had leftovers of that for lunch yesterday, and green beans for an afternoon snack. Hence the low calories.
blog	blog_5_5	There was always at least one happy ending to be discovered. Did you know that a person who has the condition anorexia nervosa is described as "anorectic," not "anorexic." Well, I know it. Now you do too. Futhermore, "anorexia" means loss of appetite.
blog	blog_5_5	Or maybe just blow jobs. Painter 1: Yeah. Don’t you think she’s the ugliest, fattest, most repulsive woman you’ve ever met? Painter 2: Absolutely.
blog	blog_5_5	You know, I couldn’t possibly eat more than two cups of zucchini. 58 calories=full stomach. That’s a good deal.
blog	blog_5_5	So I tried to lead a student revolt, get the administrators to concede to our demands, but I was having a hell of a time organizing anyone, because we were Weeble-type people, about three feet tall, and also we were filled with straw and damp lawn clippings inside. So the evil school administration was having NO problem slicing us down, literally.
blog	blog_5_5	Will hold out until 3:30, then have cherry tomatoes. 5:19 p.m. All going well.
blog	blog_5_5	That’s not a good sign... I miss Daisy.
blog	blog_5_5	Or, let me rephrase that: can Crazy Hair get any stupider? One of them is the VP of a large division (not ours), and he is the intended target of the memo. The main message is: "Don’t use this printer, use that printer.
blog	blog_5_5	You’re simply not allowed to step outside certain boundaries, and if you do, you’ll suffer for it. In retrospect, I wonder why I couldn’t observe that the vest was sartorially incorrect for myself. But I guess that’s the very quality that made me not a popular kid — I couldn’t figure out what to do to fit in. Because believe me, I wanted to. I wanted to be the biggest conformist on the planet, but I could never seem to get it right.
blog	blog_5_5	Menelaus? Nah.
blog	blog_5_5	I didn’t want to open a can of soup and then have the second half sitting in the frig until Monday morning. It’s not like it would actually go bad, but I can’t see it improving, either. I tried to buy a bunch of food to bring with us; since we stay with our friends at their house I feel obligated to chip in more than the usual amount with food.
blog	blog_5_5	I don’t usually start until after breakfast, but I feel quite dehydrated. I’m adjusting my estimates for the coffee with Benefiber, because I’m not putting an entire tablespoon in. Maybe two-thirds that.
blog	blog_5_5	I try to fob them off as politely as possible, but I have become very firm about it, and not so concerned any more about whether it hurts anyone's feelings. I've written so much today, I'm going to post now. Maybe that will shut me up.
blog	blog_5_5	I’m going to drink all my water. I’m going to get a bunch of stuff crossed off the To Do list. And probably monkeys will fly out my butt. It very suddenly turned into Spring here.
blog	blog_5_5	For some reason I have to keep relearning two of the basics of weight loss: 1) drink a LOT of water, 2) make sure you have good food in the house and with you out of the house, and the corollary to #2, make sure you don’t have BAD food in the house, because you WILL eat it. A lot to do today, and not sure whether I’m going to The Orifice.
blog	blog_5_5	Also Daisy was there, and he totally ignored her. It is unkind of me to be catty and jealous, but in my dream I was all "Ha ha, see, I’m WAY hotter than you," which is significant because in real life Daisy is not only incredibly beautiful but has actually met Dominick Dunne. So I managed 1224 calories yesterday.
blog	blog_5_5	Maybe I'd better start taping something every day. The Daily Show would be good, because I rarely stay up late enough to watch it. Now I'm drinking my tomato juice and having three little celery sticks.
blog	blog_5_5	And just now I distinctly heard one of them say "Paraguay." I can't even imagine what they are saying about me that concerns Paraguay, but I'll bet there's a brothel and a donkey involved. A good post about getting fat: http://skinnydaily.blogspot.com/2003_11_01_skinnydaily_archive.html 2:48 p.m.
blog	blog_5_5	Denise, Yvonne, and Mo are having a three-sided discussion about "why do we go off plan when it feels so much better to be on plan," and I think this is giving me an insight about that particular question, at least in the way it works for me. The equation is not "go off plan = feel bad," it’s really "feel bad = go off plan."
blog	blog_5_5	I know I won’t have a low-cal day today, but I’m not planning on a huge overage, either. I want to leave room for the martinis, so it’s salad for me for the rest of the day. Isn’t that disordered, to cut out food in order to drink?
blog	blog_5_5	Holy cow! Of course the wine will add to that considerably.

blog

blog_5_5

This way, I get to feel positive and motivated and successful. The calculator says I lost weight. Also, I want to point out that raw tuna is an excellent value, calorie-wise. A good weekend all around, really.

blog

blog_5_5

6:49 a.m. Wednesday, Day 107.

blog

blog_5_5

due on May 10. Do you think you could support us on that one if we go for it?"

blog

blog_5_5

Also I’m making a giant salad, and I’ll bring it in a cooler so it doesn’t get all wilty, and I can eat it whenever, and anyone else can join in. I’m bringing soup for my breakfast, and also a couple cans of tuna and salmon.

blog

blog_5_5

6:37 a.m. Thursday, Day 122. Damn that restaurant!

blog

blog_5_5

Kind of a musty flavor, not appetizing. Also not enough solid ingredients, just a few bits of potato and carrot. I will be needing a snack later this morning.

blog

blog_5_5

7:05 a.m. Wednesday. Feeling pretty good today.

blog

blog_5_5

Did a little gardening. Nothing all that strenuous, but I’m going to give myself 100 calories.

blog

blog_5_5

Little, easily-managed, bite-sized goals. Yes. Well. Maybe later.

blog

blog_5_5

7:11 a.m. Thursday, Day 108. Feeling remarkably good this morning, considering my typical night.

blog

blog_5_5

I have all sorts of awkward, kludged-together extensions on most of my necklai, so they can fit around my neck, and have recently discovered that I can, in many cases, remove them. Yesterday I just couldn’t stand to glide or SensibleGym or bellydance, so I put on my brand new Best of KC and the Sunshine Band, and danced around the house to almost the whole thing (40 minutes worth). According to the calorie calculator I use, that’s 423 calories! Heck, that almost balances out the martinis.

blog

blog_5_5

It’s hard work for me, maybe not for someone else. Here’s some fun news. My new jeans?

blog

blog_5_5

How can my bank and my new photo library go belly-up at the same time? 9:18 a.m. Okay, got through to the bank, and they do think I have a savings account. An ever-dwindling account Whew!

blog

blog_5_5

No actifed, no melatonin. Just a chocolate brownie right before bedtime.

blog

blog_5_5

Also need to work on the candle holder. And the giant list of things to do around the house in order to sell it.

blog

blog_5_5

The Orifice): my level of stress and unhappiness caused both chemical and emotional conditions that prevented it. So now I’m in another, albeit lesser, period of anxiety, and I’m finding it difficult to stick with a rigorous, self-imposed regimen of hard work.

blog

blog_5_5

I'm assuming they'll close down the office after New Year's. LATER. 10:09 a.m. Just finished an HOUR of exercise.

blog

blog_5_5

Not much, but it will help with the metabolism. I rule.

blog

blog_5_5

I’ll admit the first few seasons of "The Real World" were entertaining, in a horrible sort of way, but enough’s enough. These programs are so devoid of content they’ve resorted to minutes of ominous-sounding music with out-of-context shots of silent people gazing thoughtfully/recklessly/intrepidly/blankly/balefully at what is probably a small bug walking up the wall. Also, I have never heard such inarticulate human speech since The Planet of the Apes.

blog

blog_5_5

I’m glad I don’t really have a deadline for this weight loss. Because it’s not going to end. I guess I kind of have known that all along, and definitely realized it when embarking on this particular effort.

blog

blog_5_5

The squirrels, of course, are always here, but the migratory birds have started showing up. The hummingbird came three days ago. Usually they show up on May 1, but there’s always an outrider who arrives a couple weeks ahead of that. To set up camp?

blog

blog_5_5

The water was too cold to swim, but we were happy to sit on our chairs, drink, read, and watch the waves. I didn’t track my food AT ALL. It was as though the entire concept just flew out of my brain as soon as I got in the car.

blog

blog_5_5

I know it's weird to be congratulating myself for a mere hour-and-a-half without eating, but whenever I try to diet, I immediately become obsessed with food. I try to find a lot of no-cal food so I can eat constantly. Which doesn't work, because I'm still thinking about food and eating it, which doesn't break the habit or pattern or whatever it is.

blog

blog_5_5

Now I am finishing up my work emailing before vacation, trying to do my timesheet, etc. My hip is still bothering me. I’m not happy about that, because it hurts when I walk, and I want to do a lot of walking on vacation. I think the bellydancing may have caused the strain, and then the gliding is exacerbating it. So perhaps it’s a good thing that I’ll be away from the glider for a couple weeks.

blog

blog_5_5

It's not that the last time was so different from the other times, just that I had all the tools together at one time. So maybe this will be like that. That would be so nice.

blog

blog_5_5

The floor is DISGUSTING. Our vacuum cleaner is dying a slow death, so I haven’t been using it much.

blog

blog_5_5

That will give me something to look forward to. I hope to do some more work on the candle holder today. I'm not entirely happy with the color of the base coat, possibly because I can't quite decide what color I want it to be, so it's a bit of a hodgepodge. My plan today is to decide whether to go more yellow-ochre or more burnt sienna, and then mix up a spit coat of the chosen hue (haven't decided whether glaze or polyurethane) and give it several light coats to solidify the color and add some depth.

blog

blog_5_5

Your car is covered every day, and you’ll need to wash it a couple times a week if you want to see out the windshield. Everything looks dull and dusty.

blog

blog_5_5

As I eventually discovered, initially I was losing MORE weight than what my calculations showed. However, the loss has stopped, or slowed down so much as to be imperceptible, so I’m not confident that I really did lose any this week. I might need another week or so On Plan for it to kick in. But, my method is to use a hypothetical universe, and I’m sticking with it.

blog

blog_5_5

So no updates until Monday or maybe Tuesday.

blog

blog_5_5

Probably I should paint some more sample boards. I just need to keep busy.

blog

blog_5_5

I was at the end of my rope with that application (more later), the weather was depressing as hell, and I was getting cranky, so I asked Bucko to pick up dinner on the way home. Usually that means a Wendy's salad for me, but I wanted something warm, so I got a sub AND a small clam chowder. So there is no denying I was comforting myself with food.

blog

blog_5_5

That's fantastic for me. I had an apple, which was delicious, hence the name.

blog

blog_5_5

That helps. I made the most delicious stir-fry on Wednesday, did I rave about it yet?

blog

blog_5_5

More random thoughts: whenever I am "done" with losing weight, I will have to maintain it. I think I need to work exercise into my life in a more natural way. And here’s another thing.

blog

blog_5_5

And it was so good, I ate the other half. Then I felt like an eating disordered freak on a giant binge, mindlessly putting food into my mouth until finally my stomach could handle no more (Mr. Creosote, anyone?).

blog

blog_5_5

My high end is 1800 calories, and right now I’m at 912.

blog

blog_5_5

Because I am far too lazy and too self-conscious to go buy it. Therefore, this way I am not relying on willpower, I’m setting up an environment where I can’t drink. I’m having a glass of water right now, with my coffee.

blog

blog_5_5

I’d typecast myself into the wrong clique, and gotten a reputation as a poser, someone who jumped from nerd to cowboy to freak and back again, so I wasn’t liked by any of the groups. Irony, anyone?

blog

blog_5_5

I had no idea American women were so unattractive. And so obviously whorish and lazy.

blog

blog_5_5

Excellent (Mr. Burns impression). Cooking dinner now — baked chicken legs, baked sweet potato, and sauteed green beans. Very light on the oil with the green beans — maybe a teaspoon in the whole pan.

blog

blog_5_5

When they start gaining a few pounds around the holidays, they cut down on the desserts and snacking for a few months and lose some weight. There's only two extremes of the spectrum who eat healthy food and exercise daily: athletes and fat people. LATER. 12:46 p.m. Damn.

blog

blog_5_5

Otherwise okay. But the dreams. Gah.

blog

blog_5_5

Brief version: Dominick Dunne was on his way to prison for refusing to reveal a source on the stand, and I ran into him in the airport (?) as he said his farewells to family and friends. I rushed up to him and gushed all over in a fan-like way, and instead of being repulsed, he immediately loved me and promised to write to me from jail.

blog

blog_5_5

7:08 a.m. Monday, Day 112. Here is what I dreamed last night: I dreamed I was in art school, and the classes sucked and the tuition was high, and we were obviously getting massively ripped off by the school.

blog

blog_5_5

Which right now is 7 days. I should do this too. I need a small goal, like I was writing about yesterday.

blog

blog_5_5

So here’s my middle-of-the-road, no-real-decision plan: today I will get everything filled out, printed out, ready to go. I will put it in a nice clean folder by the computer. As soon as the schedule at The Orifice begins to go awry, I’ll shove it in the fax machine and hit Send.

blog

blog_5_5

So moving on from the Chinese food... talked to my brother a few days ago. He cracks me up. He’s probably the smartest person I’ve ever met, and his conversation is... eclectic.

blog

blog_5_5

MUCH higher than my typical lunch, but on the other hand, as a result I haven’t snacked all afternoon. So it’s a tradeoff, my total for the day should be within goal. It’s actually hot today; I haven’t seen the weather but I’m going to guess in the mid 80s.

blog

blog_5_5

8:20 a.m. Sunday, Day 118. Feeling okay, slept okay, somewhat better mood.

blog

blog_5_5

But I wore it. Oh yes, I was desperate.

blog

blog_5_5

But I have a nice healthy dinner planned, of more chicken, that lovely eggplant ratatouille or whatever it’s called, and broccoli. 5:37 Got another 10 minutes gliding in.

blog

blog_5_5

Not quite enough sleep, I woke up at 5:30, but I’m doing okay. Dreams? Yes.

blog

blog_5_5

They're about as many calories as water, so I'm not concerned with how many I eat, but I don't really have any desire to eat a lot of celery anyway. I'm going to strip some more wallpaper, wait for the hvac guy to show up, and I don't know what else. Maybe pack some stuff.

blog

blog_5_5

It's so much like quitting smoking. I'm not sure when I REALLY committed to doing it — certainly not at the beginning. Sure, one part of me wanted to quit, but another part didn't, in a big way. For a lot of the time, I felt like I was just going through the motions, and waiting for this little charade to end so I could smoke again.

blog

blog_5_5

I grabbed a pencil and wrote down the topics he covered in a 20 minute phone call, although I gave up halfway through. Each one followed logically from the previous, although now I can’t see some of the connections. It's not wild-eyed rambling, though, this was all intelligent, meaningful conversation.

blog

blog_5_5

It was only after the vest incident that I gave up and became self-righteously and virulently an outsider and a bad kid. I think I decided that I was helpless to control any part of my life, in a world where such a tiny detail could have such ultimate, Kafka-esque result (please see the movie "Brazil" for perfect analogy to this story). And when you feel helpless, or scared, you become angry.

blog

blog_5_5

Somehow my whining prevailed, and they bought me a poly-fiber filled vest from Sears. Instead of the down vest from North Face.

blog

blog_5_5

And yet, I got a lot of stuff accomplished, which I don’t usually do when I’m mopey. I worked 3 or 4 hours on real work, for which I will get paid, I cleaned and primed that new piano bench, gave it a first coat, and I’ve eaten nothing but vegetables all day. It’s 5:30 and I’ve had 430 calories so far.

blog

blog_5_5

Never copy what your cool older brother does. Like all the kids in my family, my brother was a talented artist. In high school, he did a lot of detailed pencil drawings, mostly copies of album covers and pages from Sports Illustrated.

blog

blog_5_5

He’s sort of a weiner. I’m voting for Hector.

blog

blog_5_5

We’re in the middle of the tree pollen season, where the pine trees shed a fine, greenish powder all over everything, every day, for about three weeks. It is absolute hell for people with allergies, and a great annoyance otherwise. The temperature is so nice, it’s not humid yet, it’s sometimes breezy, everything is growing and it smells wonderful, but you can’t keep the windows open.

blog

blog_5_5

6:45 a.m. Tuesday, Day 120. Feeling quite chipper this morning.

blog

blog_5_5

So I know I should be impressed with my initiative and fortitude, but they ain’t paying the bills. However, TOMORROW is drinking night, and you bet your ass I’m having martinis! Tomorrow will be better.

blog

blog_5_5

Yeah, I’m trying to kill him). Have another bunch of things on my list today.

blog

blog_5_5

I can’t tolerate any deprivation, or even moderation. When I’m not feeling this way, I realize that if this particular meal isn’t 100 percent fulfilling and filling, so what, there’s another one coming up in a few hours. When I’m in this panic state, I can’t see that, I can’t wait for another four hours.

blog

blog_5_5

I’m most of the way done, now it’s just the trim and redoing the grout. Heh, "just." That will take as long as the walls, since the trim is filthy and I’ll need to clean that and the floor first. Also trying to clean our filthy upstairs shower, on and off for a couple days. Haven’t found anything that will make the floor white again, not even straight bleach.

blog

blog_5_5

Also, TWO male cardinals have appeared at once. Again with the territorial wars, because when the dust settles we’ll have only one in our yard. The women haven’t arrived yet.

blog

blog_5_5

The food becomes the only thing that matters, and nothing else can distract me. Where is this coming from? It reminds me of once (at band camp), a friend’s therapist said that when people become stressed, they develop "tunnel vision," their peripheral vision actually shuts down. It’s a coping mechanism, to cut down on the amount of distraction until they have dealt with the crisis at hand.

blog

blog_5_5

Drinking my seltzer water, and then perhaps I'll have cherry tomatoes later for my afternoon snack. Right now I'm going to paint some more sample boards, and then perhaps more wallpaper.

blog

blog_5_5

2:20 p.m. I just took a break from formatting the proposal and laid in the sun in my backyard for 30 minutes. I know, that’s so unlike me!

blog

blog_5_5

The annoying thing is, I haven't exactly gone OFF program, I’m just not hitting it quite hard enough. I’m not having eating binges, I haven’t quit exercising, I still THINK I’m on a program, but I’ve become too lax, and I’m not losing weight anymore. I’m just not doing quite enough: like, I’m fifteen minutes short of exercising enough, or eating just 120 calories too many.

blog

blog_5_5

Or will be soon. Bucko is bringing home Chinese food for dinner, so this won’t be a low calorie day for me, but I’ll try to come in at least within goal. I think I can make that.

blog

blog_5_5

No, I changed my mind. I AM so pathetic that I need that kind of thing.

blog

blog_5_5

It isn't. Normal people eat whatever they want and watch TV all day.

blog

blog_5_5

It occurs to me that this isn't too difficult when I have good food in the house and the time/desire to prepare it. When it will be hard is being faced with fast food or grazing on whatever crap is easy to eat. The smart thing to do on days like that would be to have soup for dinner, or a tuna sandwich, but I think it will be too frustrating — food is such a reward, I won't be happy with a crappy dinner. Perhaps I'd better make something yummy that I can keep in the freezer for just such an event. I can see it is very important to make your lifestyle support the diet.

blog

blog_5_5

They’re very nice guys and everything, one of them speaks English, but it’s kind of weird having them around. They’re painting right outside the office, in the foyer, so I can’t just come and go at will without interrupting them. I felt a little weird about sitting in full sight in the kitchen eating lunch, too, so I just made a quickie salad of leftover tuna and tomato.

blog

blog_5_5

Apparently for me it’s important to take on challenges in little pieces; I don’t want to see a huge, gray, endless mountain of effort ahead of me (no, really?). If I think of this as a one-week effort, then my brain will make a little contest of it, get psyched into trying to see how well I can eat, how much water I can drink, how many hours I can exercise. If I consider it as a one-year-plus-forever project, then my brain tries to find ways to cheat and lie. Because it seems like a prison sentence, and my brain is very sensibly trying to escape.

blog

blog_5_5

2:20 p.m. And PhotoIsland is working now too. Tahiti trip, if anyone is interested.

blog

blog_5_5

Then I sauteed it at medium-high temperature, with soy sauce and a dash of sesame oil. I had leftovers of that for lunch yesterday, and green beans for an afternoon snack. Hence the low calories.

blog

blog_5_5

There was always at least one happy ending to be discovered. Did you know that a person who has the condition anorexia nervosa is described as "anorectic," not "anorexic." Well, I know it. Now you do too. Futhermore, "anorexia" means loss of appetite.

blog

blog_5_5

Or maybe just blow jobs. Painter 1: Yeah. Don’t you think she’s the ugliest, fattest, most repulsive woman you’ve ever met? Painter 2: Absolutely.

blog

blog_5_5

You know, I couldn’t possibly eat more than two cups of zucchini. 58 calories=full stomach. That’s a good deal.

blog

blog_5_5

So I tried to lead a student revolt, get the administrators to concede to our demands, but I was having a hell of a time organizing anyone, because we were Weeble-type people, about three feet tall, and also we were filled with straw and damp lawn clippings inside. So the evil school administration was having NO problem slicing us down, literally.

blog

blog_5_5

Will hold out until 3:30, then have cherry tomatoes. 5:19 p.m. All going well.

blog

blog_5_5

That’s not a good sign... I miss Daisy.

blog

blog_5_5

Or, let me rephrase that: can Crazy Hair get any stupider? One of them is the VP of a large division (not ours), and he is the intended target of the memo. The main message is: "Don’t use this printer, use that printer.

blog

blog_5_5

You’re simply not allowed to step outside certain boundaries, and if you do, you’ll suffer for it. In retrospect, I wonder why I couldn’t observe that the vest was sartorially incorrect for myself. But I guess that’s the very quality that made me not a popular kid — I couldn’t figure out what to do to fit in. Because believe me, I wanted to. I wanted to be the biggest conformist on the planet, but I could never seem to get it right.

blog

blog_5_5

Menelaus? Nah.

blog

blog_5_5

I didn’t want to open a can of soup and then have the second half sitting in the frig until Monday morning. It’s not like it would actually go bad, but I can’t see it improving, either. I tried to buy a bunch of food to bring with us; since we stay with our friends at their house I feel obligated to chip in more than the usual amount with food.

blog

blog_5_5

I don’t usually start until after breakfast, but I feel quite dehydrated. I’m adjusting my estimates for the coffee with Benefiber, because I’m not putting an entire tablespoon in. Maybe two-thirds that.

blog

blog_5_5

I try to fob them off as politely as possible, but I have become very firm about it, and not so concerned any more about whether it hurts anyone's feelings. I've written so much today, I'm going to post now. Maybe that will shut me up.

blog

blog_5_5

I’m going to drink all my water. I’m going to get a bunch of stuff crossed off the To Do list. And probably monkeys will fly out my butt. It very suddenly turned into Spring here.

blog

blog_5_5

For some reason I have to keep relearning two of the basics of weight loss: 1) drink a LOT of water, 2) make sure you have good food in the house and with you out of the house, and the corollary to #2, make sure you don’t have BAD food in the house, because you WILL eat it. A lot to do today, and not sure whether I’m going to The Orifice.

blog

blog_5_5

Also Daisy was there, and he totally ignored her. It is unkind of me to be catty and jealous, but in my dream I was all "Ha ha, see, I’m WAY hotter than you," which is significant because in real life Daisy is not only incredibly beautiful but has actually met Dominick Dunne. So I managed 1224 calories yesterday.

blog

blog_5_5

Maybe I'd better start taping something every day. The Daily Show would be good, because I rarely stay up late enough to watch it. Now I'm drinking my tomato juice and having three little celery sticks.

blog

blog_5_5

And just now I distinctly heard one of them say "Paraguay." I can't even imagine what they are saying about me that concerns Paraguay, but I'll bet there's a brothel and a donkey involved. A good post about getting fat: http://skinnydaily.blogspot.com/2003_11_01_skinnydaily_archive.html 2:48 p.m.

blog

blog_5_5

Denise, Yvonne, and Mo are having a three-sided discussion about "why do we go off plan when it feels so much better to be on plan," and I think this is giving me an insight about that particular question, at least in the way it works for me. The equation is not "go off plan = feel bad," it’s really "feel bad = go off plan."

blog

blog_5_5

I know I won’t have a low-cal day today, but I’m not planning on a huge overage, either. I want to leave room for the martinis, so it’s salad for me for the rest of the day. Isn’t that disordered, to cut out food in order to drink?

blog

blog_5_5

Holy cow! Of course the wine will add to that considerably.