Dave Barry's thoughts on CA's electrical storage ,
 ---------------------- Forwarded by Richard Shapiro/NA/Enron on 02/07/2001 
08:54 AM ---------------------------


Ray Alvarez@TRANSREDES
02/07/2001 07:42 AM
To: Richard Shapiro@Enron
cc:  

Subject: Dave Barry's thoughts on CA's electrical storage

Rick, thought you might enjoy this alternative theory on the root cause of 
Cal's problem.  Ray

---------------------- Forwarded by Ray Alvarez/TRANSREDES on 02/07/2001 
09:39 AM ---------------------------

Steve Hopper
02/07/2001 08:47 AM

To: Ricky Lynn Waddell/SA/Enron@Enron, John Novak/SA/Enron@Enron, Laine A 
Powell/ENRON_DEVELOPMENT@ENRON_DEVELOPMENT, Peter E Weidler/NA/Enron@Enron, 
Ray Alvarez/TRANSREDES@TRANSREDES, Doug Farmer/TRANSREDES@TRANSREDES
cc:  

Subject: Dave Barry's thoughts on CA's electrical storage


Feb. 2, 2001, 8:06PM

The rest of us should tell California to go fly a kite 

By DAVE BARRY  

When we consider the serious electricity shortage in California, our  
reaction, as concerned Americans, is: Ha ha!  

No, seriously, we are alarmed. Because history teaches us that whatever  
happens to California -- smog, road rage, tofu, coffee that is mainly air, 
cell  phones, the belief that abdominal muscles are attractive, Shirley 
MacLaine,  people taking in-line skating seriously, grandmothers sporting new 
and  flagrantly inappropriate bosoms -- eventually happens to the rest of the 
nation.  Thus it is vital that we analyze the California electricity shortage 
and see if  we can develop a workable solution before we become bored and 
change the  subject.  

Our first question is: What, exactly, is electricity? When we look in our  
Microsoft Encarta encyclopedia, we see that "electricity" is defined  as a 
"class of physical phenomena resulting from the existence of charge  and from 
the interaction of charges." What does this mean, in lay-person's  terms?  

It means that whoever wrote the Microsoft Encarta encyclopedia is a big, fat  
dope. Because we know from our junior-high-school science training that  
electricity is actually a fast-moving herd of electrons, which are tiny  
one-celled animals that can survive in almost any environment except inside 
a  double-A battery, where they die within minutes.  

Electrons are formed when clouds rub together and become excited. This was  
proved in the famous experiment wherein Benjamin Franklin flew a kite during 
a  thunderstorm and was almost killed. Encouraged by this success, Franklin 
went on  to conduct many more electrical experiments, including rolling a 
hoop in a  thunderstorm, playing hopscotch in a thunderstorm and doing 
somersaults in a  thunderstorm.  

Finally one night he was caught wearing only a bonnet and playing Mister  
Pooter Rides the Pony in a thunderstorm, leaving the authorities with no 
choice  but to arrest him and make him ambassador to France.  Nevertheless, 
Franklin had proved an important scientific point, which is  that electricity 
originates inside clouds. There it forms into lightning, which  is attracted 
to the earth by golfers.  

After entering the ground, the electricity hardens into coal, which, when 
dug  up by power companies and burned in big ovens called "generators,"  
turns back into electricity, which is sent in the form of "volts"  (also 
known as "watts," or "rpm" for short) through special  wires with birds 
sitting on them to consumers' homes, where it is transformed by  TV sets into 
commercials for beer, which passes through the consumers and back  into the 
ground, thus completing what is known as a "circuit."  

But enough technical talk. The problem is that California is running out of  
electricity. The situation is so bad that in some hospitals, they don't have  
enough electricity to power those electric-shock paddles that get people's  
hearts started again; instead, the doctors and nurses have to hold hands, 
scuff  their feet across the carpet in unison, then shout "CLEAR!" as they  
touch the patient's chest.  

Who is responsible for California's electricity shortage? You could blame 
the  power companies; or you could blame environmental wackos; or you could 
blame the  entertainment industry, which uses more than 750 billion watts of 
electricity  per day just to blow-dry the hair of the cast of Dawson's Creek; 
or you  could blame (why not?) the Firestone tire company. But you would be 
wrong.  Because obviously the real cause of the California electricity 
shortage is:  college students.  

I base this statement on widespread observation of my son, who is a college  
student, and who personally consumes more electricity than Belgium. If my son 
is  in a room, then every electrical device within 200 yards of that room -- 
every  light, computer, television, stereo, video game, microwave oven, etc. 
-- will be  running. My son doesn't even have to turn the devices on; they 
activate  themselves spontaneously in response to his presence.  

Now take my son and multiply him by the number of college students in  
California, which according to my research is (EDITOR: Please insert number 
of  college students in California) and you see my point, which is (EDITOR: 
Please  insert my point).  

The question is: What can the rest of us do to help our fellow 
countrypersons  in California? The answer is that we can send them our spare 
electricity. Just  imagine what would happen if all the households in this 
great and generous  nation got out their extension cords and connected them 
together, forming a  giant electrical "chain of helping" across the fruited 
plain to the  Golden State! Millions of people would be turned into generous 
smoking lumps of  carbon, that's what. So maybe we should go with Plan B. 
This involves building a  really, really, really big kite.  

Knight-Ridder Tribune
james.steffes@enron.com, steven.kean@enron.com, mark.palmer@enron.com, 