The CLARA Method of De-Escalation
Occasionally when dealing with irrational people I have found it useful to match their energy level. So if they're yelling, you start raising your voice too. And you take whatever it is they're saying <i>seriously</i>. And if you have an objection, you state that objection. Then you continue the argument until the raised voices seem pointless and you both just calm down.<p>I had to learn this technique when I was living with friends that had undiagnosed and untreated personality disorders. Remaining calm while they're blowing up simply didn't work, and led them to think I was patronizing them. So I'd start making the same points I was trying to make to them, only with a raised voice. I would get completely invested in the argument, while remaining in full control of myself. Soon they would calm down.<p>It usually wound up being a cathartic experience for them. They'd break down after the whole thing was over, sometimes even cried. At first I thought I was doing God's work, but eventually I realized that that sort of thing just wasn't ever going to 'fix' them, and they needed treatment. For most of us, major cathartic events happen once a month to once a year and provide opportunities for permanent personality growth.<p>But when you have a personality disorder, no amount of catharsis will change your behavior, because your brain isn't wired the same way.