Ask HN: Did you learn any life changing lessons this year?
So many. Really good year. Lots of them feel like I&#x27;ve been in a cave for awhile and am just coming back, so maybe these are table stakes for other people.<p>1) Intentional vulnerability<p>Intentional vulnerability is really good stuff. Withholding emotions to look stoic, or out of shame that it&#x27;s &quot;not manly&quot; to feel them, or because feelings are somehow lesser for being irrational.. all really toxic ways of being, and the irony is that they&#x27;ll keep you right in that place where you don&#x27;t want to be. This year, I&#x27;ve made a point of trying to connect with people by being honest about the shit that&#x27;s hard in my life, especially when people extend tiny branches of their own hardships. Leaning in, and showing that you&#x27;re available to talk about sensitive things gently gets other people to open up so much more, and then they&#x27;re relieved to have someone to share those parts of their life with, and it becomes a positive cycle of intimacy instead of a negative cycle of tentative emotional withholding. The depth and breath of my relationships has exploded since I&#x27;ve started doing this.<p>----<p>2) Don&#x27;t try to make relationships things they&#x27;re not. Meet people as who they are, where they are.<p>Another thing I&#x27;ve learned is that not everybody is going to want to play that game. Fair enough! It&#x27;s scary, and intimate, and it&#x27;s unreasonable to try and make every relationship that particular brand. Sometimes the move is to leave it alone and let people open up on their own schedule, if ever, and just meet them where they are. Other times, I&#x27;ve discovered that people who&#x27;ve been in my life a long time have really toxic aversions to self inspection and self improvement, and that had never come to a head because we were both content being dishonest about our inner lives, but once I started being more open, it made sense to phase them out because the relationships didn&#x27;t feel healthy.<p>&quot;Fuck yes or no&quot; is a thing I got from Mark Manson[1]<p>I made some messes by pursuing, and sometimes settling for, romantic relationships that were mediocre fits. Life is too short.<p>[1] <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;markmanson.net&#x2F;fuck-yes" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;markmanson.net&#x2F;fuck-yes</a><p>----<p>3) Therapy. Not just for crazies. Best use of money in 2018.<p>Therapy is in the top 5 things I ever did for myself. Probably behind getting a computer and going to college, in terms of transformative outcomes. I had a lot of ideas about how my mind worked, and where my problems started, how I behaved, and how I <i>could</i> behave, and most of them were wrong to some degree. Exploring this stuff with a professional really pays for itself in a hurry. Recommended for all people, even if you don&#x27;t think whatever you have going on is &quot;worth&quot; going to therapy over.<p>-----<p>4) Taking the first leap, giving trust space to grow<p>OP, while I can understand your situation, I worry that your stance there is too hard-line in the other direction. &quot;Provider Hero&quot; doesn&#x27;t sound like a healthy thing to be – it&#x27;s not your responsibility to be the sole source of stability or resources for the people in your life, especially if they&#x27;re making the kind of messes that call for Heroes. But to be the opposite, or to never be able to step into that role, feels like a bad thing too. It can be immensely meaningful to provide for people who are genuinely in need, and who are grateful. I know I&#x27;ve got friends who have done that for me and it&#x27;s meant the world.<p>I might be reading too far into your mood from just a single sentence, but don&#x27;t make the mistake of burying that part of yourself just because it got burned once. It could be that you&#x27;re making the world better, and it&#x27;s the people on the otherside that should be modifying their behavior.<p>I was going through some stuff with a friend that really tried my trust. I had told him some pretty private stuff, and tried to set some boundaries, and he had behaved intentionally in a way that violated them – a few times. I met for tea with our mutual friend, told him the situation, and asked what I could do. I really didn&#x27;t want to leave my friend behind, since he was really great in every other way, but this boundary issue was an absolute dealbreaker.<p>His advice was really helpful: He told me to go back and have a serious conversation, and reassert the boundaries, because there&#x27;s a chance I wasn&#x27;t clear enough the first time about what my needs were, and what my expectations were, and that&#x27;s on me. It&#x27;s my responsibility to make sure there&#x27;s no ambiguity between me and my friend about how things are supposed to be. And then after that? I was terrified to put my friend back in a situation where he could cross that line again, because it hurt a lot, but I had to let him back in. <i>It only works if you give them the space to prove that they&#x27;re able to respect the boundaries.</i> If I kept trying to avoid situations where I&#x27;d have a problem, I&#x27;d be stuck living in doubt about whether my friend really had my back. I took his advice. We had a great conversation, it&#x27;s gotten better since. I&#x27;m glad I listened.<p>I tell that story not so much for the part about letting these people back in your life – maybe they really exploitative – but more for the bit about needing to put yourself on the line instead of shying away. In order to have trust grow, you have to give people opportunities to be trustworthy, and that means giving them opportunities to be untrustworthy, and maybe getting hurt.<p>It sucks to play that game and lose, but even if you lose a lot, learn stuff and play it again. Don&#x27;t quit.<p>---<p>I don&#x27;t know if this is something people found useful. One of my goals in 2019 is to write more, so if things in here resonated and you&#x27;d like expansion, please feel free to let me know. Likewise, if I&#x27;m longwinded and annoying, please let me know that too :)