Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?
All my kids are fully-grown. One is a Ph.D. candidate in computer science and is working on stuff HNers would find really cool, another has their Masters in sociology and analyzes women&#x27;s health care, and the other is still an undergrad and going into something pharmaceutical related.<p>I have no regrets in how I raised them, here&#x27;s my advice for what I did:<p>- Let them be whomever they are. Let them pursue their dreams, don&#x27;t use your kids to pursue your dreams. This can be more difficult than it sounds because they may see other goals as being more important than you do and sometimes they have literally childish ideas for how to go about pursuing things. We&#x27;re guides, not kings.<p>- Be there. Nothing is more important to a kid than being there. Sorry, kids &amp; careers are orthogonal to one another. You can&#x27;t have it all. Remember, &quot;career&quot; is just a fancy word for &quot;job.&quot; Don&#x27;t give it any more importance than being just a job.<p>- Corollary to the above, kids would rather have your time than your money. Remember, nobody ever lied on their deathbed wishing they&#x27;d spent more time at the office. This is especially a difficult concept for for dads who are pressured to be the breadwinners for their families.<p>- Limit the number of activities your kid has at any one time. Try to have a sport activity, a group activity (any club activity), and a personal development activity (martial arts, music, etc.) I highly recommend team sports so your kid learns how to deal with people. Yes it can be quite a negative experience - that&#x27;s where the learning happens.<p>- Have a regularly scheduled date night. When they&#x27;re very young have grandparents, aunts and uncles fill in that job. As they get older you can use babysitters.<p>- Get them used to playing outside. Take them to the park to play on playground equipment and play with other kids.<p>- Have a schedule. Kids need to know what to expect when throughout the day. Don&#x27;t leave them guessing!<p>- Don&#x27;t take your job, family or financial frustrations out on your kid. Always remember they never asked to be brought into this world. Your interaction with them needs to be predictable.<p>- Get used to having less. You&#x27;re not going to have the money to get all the cool toys you used to get. Then again kids these days have some cool toys! :)<p>- Discourage tattling and encourage working out problems themselves. Our policy with our kids was unless there was blood, fire or someone was in grave danger then then one tattling was the one who was in trouble. You&#x27;ll have problems with other kids who just <i>love</i> to tattle. If it&#x27;s normal kids tattling on kids stuff then explain to the child the things they should be informing adults about.<p>- Instill a love of learning. If you read then your kids will read. Simple as that. Always make learning a joy. Kids especially love hands-on activities when they&#x27;re young. It combines playing and learning.<p>- In addition to the previous point, let them know never in their life will they have so much time to dedicate to learning. Make the most of it!<p>- But don&#x27;t fret about grades. Especially in High School. Let them manage their own affairs. Again, you&#x27;re a guide, not a king.<p>- Only get a kid 5 things for Christmas or similar holiday you may celebrate. You get off cheap when they&#x27;re little kids, you&#x27;ll be glad you managed expectations when they get older! And don&#x27;t make them extravagant gifts.<p>- Speaking from experience, being an only child <i>really sucks</i>. I grew up in a townhome where we couldn&#x27;t even have a dog or a cat. Kids need those things.<p>- Get used to chaos!<p>- Remember, it&#x27;s all over before you know it!<p>I&#x27;ve probably forgot stuff but that&#x27;ll get you off to a good start. I have more advice for how to parent teenagers and young adults - they bring a different set of issues and opportunities to the table.