The terrible 'what if': how OCD makes every day a matter of life or death
I am not gonna post this as anonymous, because I need to put this out of my chest: I am absolutely terrified of blood pressure being high&#x2F;measuring it.<p>I was giggling (and almost crying) while reading the article, because putting it out into words makes it sounds really ridiculous, stupid, and obvious, but for us while we are following one of our &#x27;mental stories&#x27;, it feels very real.<p>I have the same stuff OP wrote about, but with blood pressure. I am absolutely terrified of &#x27;having high blood pressure&#x27; because of traumas of the past, and stuff that was said to me that kinda stuck. I fear having my blood pressure measured and having that makes it go up as I try to measure it. It sucks and is really detrimental to my mental health.<p>I have anxiety and panic attacks. Whenever I feel uneasy or feel my heart beat faster and&#x2F;or stronger in my chest, I think: &quot;what if my blood pressure is severely high right now? that is why I am having these symptoms! what if... what if... what if...&quot;<p>I have measured my blood pressure probably a million times and usually at the third reading it is fine (I need to measure 2-3 times because the first reading is always a little high, because I panic - heart rate goes up, my breathing gets strange). By the time I end my ritual, the blood pressure is always fine at 11-12&#x2F;7 or 12-13&#x2F;8, and I get relief for some days or weeks (the thought goes away).<p>I have also countless times doubted these good readings and thought &#x27;what if by the time I just got this good reading it got back to being high? I don&#x27;t know right now, it <i>could</i> be high right now?&#x27;. These doubts made me do insane things like measuring it all the time for some weeks (I&#x27;m past that phase, thank goodness).<p>I have also made my wife measure it while I sleep &quot;just to make sure I really don&#x27;t have high BP all the time&quot; -- turns out, because I am sleeping and unaware I am about to be measured, my blood pressure readings (even the first one) are always good. I still can&#x27;t let go of it...<p>Almost every time I go to cardiologist or anything related to heart&#x2F;blood pressure, if the doctor approaches me to try to measure my BP, my anxiety goes off. And the reading is usually a little high. On rare occasions, if the doctor is understanding of my fear&#x2F;condition and talks me out of it (and has patience), I get a good reading and that brightens my day up more than earning a million bucks.<p>Like I said, writing it out makes it sound <i>so</i> ridiculous to me, almost like a play. I just wish I wasn&#x27;t cast to it...<p>&#x27;what if&#x27; is the true enemy.<p>PS: I jog 2km 5 times a week and swim 1.5km 3 times a week. I am still not convinced I am healthy and strong - if i get any palpitations from strenuous exercise &quot;hey it could be my bp or my heart acting funny&quot;<p>PS2: I have done multiple ekgs, dopplers, 24h ekgs, all fine. The only exam I haven&#x27;t done yet is the &#x27;24h blood pressure readings&#x27; because guess what -- terrified of having that stuff stuck to my arm for a whole day.