Ask HN: I'm writing a book about white-collar drug use, including tech sector
I&#x27;m a male in my mid-40s. I own a web development shop, code daily and employ about a half dozen people. Relatively healthy, although should work out more than I do. Long history with stimulants and work.<p>These days my main stimulant is coffee, but it makes me very jittery. I go through phases, maybe weeks to months at a time where I ditch coffee and take small doses (&lt; 5 mg) of Adderall. I think I&#x27;m starting one of those phases now.<p>This morning I was stressed about a new client kickoff, so I took about 5mg of Adderall IR, along with the rest of the dozen or so supplements that I normally take. But I didn&#x27;t drink my normal morning coffee and now I have a wicked headache. I hate overdoing it on the Adderall, because it changes my personality too much--makes me cold and distant from my friends and family.<p>My last startup, with big time VC funding--the whole startup team, myself included were heavy daily users of Adderall. It was an open secret. The CEO was the worst, with a 40-50mg&#x2F;day habit. The COO was over the top neurotic, I&#x27;m sure made worse by her Ritalin habit. Biggest victim in that situation? Empathy and true friendship.<p>My last startup before that one, was a YC-backed bay area with a CEO also on mega doses of daily Adderall. This guy was the worst person I&#x27;ve ever worked with, and that is quite an accomplishment. He didn&#x27;t sleep and insulted everyone on a regular basis. Would criticize everyone behind their backs about not working enough.<p>My own stimulant use and abuse dates back to my very first startup when I was just a programmer, during the first dotcom boom. My partying friends introduced me to meth, and I rationalized taking it based on the fact that it is available in prescription form, so &quot;how bad can it be?&quot; and that also I was clearly suffering from extreme ADD.<p>I was a daily user for over a year and a half. Would crush up the crystals and snort them. Was terrified of smoking or injecting the stuff and never tried it that way. Totally rationalized my use as necessary for the insane hours my team was putting in at work. 60-70 hours per week were normal. On some weekend I&#x27;d go out and party all night and not get any sleep. Eventually as the needed dose went up, I started losing a lot of weight, was down 100 pounds from my peak at one point. People were definitely noticing I was strung out although nobody ever really said anything at work. My close friends were aware and supportive. Some of them would do it sometimes too. I quit when it seemed my girlfriend was going to start using too--she wanted to be skinny and beautiful and popular, in her words. My conscience hit me too hard in realizing what was about to happen with that particular situation. Also I didn&#x27;t really recognize my face in the mirror anymore. I flushed about 500 dollars worth down the toilet and quit cold turkey, knowing that I wouldn&#x27;t be able to afford to buy more even if I wanted to do so.<p>My boss fired me about 2 weeks later. Said something had changed, that I had lost my spark. I&#x27;ll never forgive that asshole for that. He knew what was going on and didn&#x27;t care. It was only fine because my next job had me flying all over the place and making new friends, which made quitting a lot easier than it would have been otherwise.<p>I still miss meth sometimes. It gave me invincibility. I would code for what felt like days at a time, and all the practice really let me make strides in my skills very quickly. For a brief period of time I was superhuman, but there was almost always a crash. During those days I was using a lot of other drugs too and going out partying a lot, it all kind of blurred together. I barely remember it now more than 15 years later.<p>Quitting meth left me paranoid about getting hooked again for quite awhile afterwards, but after maybe 2-3 years realized that the ADD is real and that I really did need some meds to cope. I went to the shrink and easily got a script for Adderall. The first time around I remember that I was on it daily for almost a year before realizing that I didn&#x27;t like who I had become. It made me cold and unloving and I hated it. I quit again. Ever since I&#x27;ve only taken it sporadically, when I really really have to focus something that I really really don&#x27;t want to focus on.<p>Don&#x27;t really have any regrets. Drugs should be legal--all of them. People should be able to decide how to use them and live with the consequences. Sometimes they&#x27;re not that bad. Just think of how many people do coke on a regular basis and don&#x27;t really have any ill effects. It just comes with the lifestyle of going out and staying out til dawn. And then eventually you grow up and don&#x27;t want to do that anymore. At least that&#x27;s what I&#x27;ve seen amongst my friends.