I Lied When I Said We Did Everything We Could
This article, and most comments here, seem to be of the opinion that most doctors, friends, and family members don&#x27;t present &quot;accepting death&quot; as a valid option, but my experience has been the opposite.<p>5 years ago, my mom was given a cancer diagnosis, and a life expectancy of 6 months. And from that day forward, there was no shortage of people lined up to tell us &quot;there&#x27;s no shame in giving up&quot;, &quot;you don&#x27;t have to fight&quot;, &quot;die with your dignity&quot;, and &quot;don&#x27;t prolong the invevitable&quot;.<p>What was far more rare were the people that reminded us that anything was possible. Other survivors who had also been given months to live with an untreatable cancer, only to &quot;still be ticking&quot; decades later, with an active life. People that offered hope in traditional chemotherapy, clinical trials, alternative approaches like special diets and exercise.<p>None of these people said to fight at all costs -- to live a hellish and painful life. Instead, they offered the alternative -- that despite what the doctors were saying, the doctors didn&#x27;t know how long or how well anybody would live any better than we did. They didn&#x27;t tell us to ignore the doctors&#x27; prognosis, only to be open to the possibility that the prognosis would be wildly wrong, even if the diagnosis was right.<p>These people were the minority, but I&#x27;m so thankful we had their input.<p>My mom lived, without cancer growth, for over 4 years, when she was told not to expect 6 months. And while we had plenty of rough days, we had so many amazing days as well. While I can&#x27;t speak for my mom, I&#x27;m as certain as I can be that she wouldn&#x27;t have traded those days for anything.<p>This wasn&#x27;t for lack of concern that she was fighting just for me. I would ask her at times whether she was just doing this for me. I&#x27;d tell her that, though it would be hard, if she decided she was done, I would support her. Her reply -- that she was grateful for the life she was still living, and didn&#x27;t want that to change.<p>And yet still, for 4 years, I had to constantly deal with nurses she would meet, at work (as a hair stylist), online, etc. who would talk to her. Inevitably the conversation would turn toward her cancer diagnosis, and when my mom would tell the nurse or health care worker the type and stage of cancer she had, immediately the happy conversation would turn grim.<p>Sometimes, the nurse would say &quot;I&#x27;m sorry&quot; to my mom, as though (in my mom&#x27;s own words) my mom had already died.<p>Others would come right out and say &quot;you know that most people don&#x27;t even live 6 months with that&quot;, as though somehow my mom would have made it through regular doctors appointments and treatments without a single person telling us what the prognosis was. Then came the dreaded &quot;no shame in dying&quot; part.<p>In every case, I&#x27;d find my mom depressed, defeated, and heart broken. It wasn&#x27;t that she was hearing information she hadn&#x27;t heard before, but rather, she was being reminded by people that presented themselves as smarter and better than us, that the prognosis was bad, that we should just accept it, and in some cases give us the impression that it was wrong to even want to fight it, as though every day that we already had together beyond that 6 month mark wasn&#x27;t even deserved.<p>I would have to remind my mom that, at 1 year, 2 years, 3 years on, she had already proven the prognosis wrong. And again I would ask, with guilt that I was the only reason she held on, whether she was done fighting, and made sure she knew I would support her either way.<p>I don&#x27;t relay this to try to give false hope, or encourage people to live horrible lives when they&#x27;re ready to move on. I say this because I truly believe my mom would not have been happy with her life, however long, had we just accepted it from day one, and done nothing to fight it.<p>I say this, mostly, because the people telling us to give up or even just reminding us of how this was supposed to end, no matter how well intentioned, had NO idea the damage they did to my mom&#x27;s spirit or quality of life, even as she was seeing amazing results that were not supposed to happen.<p>And also, the people who helped us fight, I credit to giving us the time we had, and the quality of life she had. Time that I am so grateful for.<p>If I have one take away to give, it&#x27;s this -- if you meet someone who&#x27;s dying, no matter what you believe, the best thing you can do is offer simple encouragement. Tell them, simply, &quot;fight if you want to fight, and amazing things might happen. Don&#x27;t be ashamed or pressured against accepting it when you feel like it&#x27;s time. But YOU decide that, and NOT your friends, family, doctors or nurses&quot;.