The day I accidentally killed a little boy
Ever since I became a father (2 months ago), I&#x27;ve been seeing the world as a dangerous and an ugly place.  This is confounded with the fact that, a month ago, I came to find out that my brother was bullied in HS and was never the same.<p>My brother has been out of high school for about 9 years now, but It took me 6 whole years to consider the possibility that something was wrong.  I was in undergrad and focused on my studies, and then moved to NYC, so my time wasn&#x27;t really spent at home with my brother, which should <i></i>never<i></i> be an excuse when it comes to family.  But I let it be.  Until my child was born.<p>9 years ago, my brother dropped out of high school and started seeing a therapist with the help and support of my dad.  Both of them hid this from me until a month ago.  The details of his high school days weren&#x27;t revealed, but my brother has spent 9 full years dreading human interaction.  I scolded him a year ago for not wanting to come to my wedding, and a month ago, begged him to come celebrate Christmas with my in-laws so that he can meet his nephew.  He didn&#x27;t end up coming, and that&#x27;s when my dad finally revealed the details of the past 9 years.<p>It doesn&#x27;t have to come to death to point out our primal fears as fathers.  I used to be ambitious for the sake of being ambitious, but the arrival of my son, confounded with the revelation of my brother, has lead to a change in perspective.  Everything can change in an instant, and contrary to the popular opinions of HN, the largest changes in our lives are beyond our control.  The utter powerlessness of not being able to rewind to 9 years ago to be there for my brother gets at me.  As does my fear and uncertainty of the life my son will be subjected to.