Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
I&#x27;m close to your age, male, been married for quite a while, kids.  So take what I write with appropriate amounts of salt, because things definitely look different at 41 than 21.<p>I&#x27;ve had some guy friends who have been similarly focused on getting married.  Great guys, who for the record, are now married to lovely women.  But it definitely didn&#x27;t happen on their timelines or on the paths they intended.<p>By now you&#x27;ve almost certainly got your list of must-haves and dealbreakers set.  But it&#x27;s interesting that you&#x27;ve been pretty vague about the reasons that most of your relationships haven&#x27;t worked out.  I don&#x27;t think you&#x27;re being evasive.  But I do think maybe you just don&#x27;t know.  For any given guy, you can give a yes&#x2F;no answer, but maybe you can&#x27;t say why.<p>So let me ask you about your dreams of falling in love and having a family, because there might be some clues in there.  What _are_ your dreams?  Are they dreams of tying a bow in the hair of your 4-year-old daughter in a princess dress?  Watching your 10-year-old head off to summer science camp?  Wedding day?  Baby shower?  Bringing the new baby home from the hospital?  Volunteering at the kid&#x27;s school?  Arranging the perfect birthday party?<p>Or are they dreams about long walks on the beach with your husband?  Walking down the aisle on your wedding day?  Going line dancing?  The two of you making dinner together and snuggling up on the couch to watch a pretentious artsy film and MST3K it?  Or family camping trips?  Cross-country drives to see the national parks?  (Side note:  if, in the previous paragraph, you didn&#x27;t quite notice that none of those items involved a husband, that&#x27;s worth reflecting on.  Not worth getting worked up about, but worth reflecting on.)<p>The dreams you&#x27;ve had all your life might help you understand what it is that&#x27;s keeping your dates from turning into more.  For example, if you pictured an adventurous husband who&#x27;d teach your kids to ride horses and you realize you&#x27;re dating super-placid, risk-averse dudes, that might be a light-bulb moment.<p>Two pieces of advice, then a bit of encouragement.<p>First, it seems like you&#x27;re hyper-focused on getting married.  Relax.  Observe.  Enjoy.  Meet some guys with the express purpose of getting honest feedback on how you come across.  In your own mind, take marriage off the table for six months to a year.  Just plain not allowed.  Maaaaaaybe you can date.  If you&#x27;ve a trusted friend, she can give you permission to go on a second date if there&#x27;s a guy that&#x27;s just perfect.<p>Second, there&#x27;s a surprisingly deep piece of advice hidden in the trite-sounding &quot;become the person the person you&#x27;re looking for is looking for&quot;.  You need to know who&#x2F;what you&#x27;re looking for.  To do that, you need to know yourself well enough to know who&#x2F;what you&#x27;re looking for, and that you&#x27;re not adding extra criteria on top of that.  (&quot;He has to be kind...oh, and handsome! and rich! and famous!&quot;)  It sounds like you&#x27;ve been working on yourself, but maybe a little bit more focused on making yourself a better catch, rather than on figuring out what you&#x27;re going after and choosing the right bait (to stretch the fishing analogy too far!).<p>So that advice really all kind of fits together.<p>But now, the encouragement.<p>If your guy friends are telling you you&#x27;re smart, beautiful, fit, kind, emotionally mature, well, I&#x27;ve never met you.  I&#x27;ll trust what they&#x27;re saying.  Ms. Actfrench, I agree with them.  You are smart and beautiful and kind.  You&#x27;re working to make the world a better place.  That&#x27;s remarkable.  If one of my daughters turned 41 and wasn&#x27;t married, but was smart and beautiful and kind and working to make the world a better place, I&#x27;d tell her I was proud of her and it&#x27;d be the truth.  And I&#x27;d tell her this, too, if she were anxious to get married:  It&#x27;s discouraging when things don&#x27;t work out the way you want them to.  So keep on making the world a better place.  And as you&#x27;re doing that, there will come a time when you&#x27;ll look to your right or your left and see a guy who&#x27;s also working to make the world a better place and you think he might be something special, give him a chance.  Maybe he&#x27;ll be the one you get to make the world a better place with, together.<p>(Hope this helps!)