Tell HN: Sometimes you don't realise how bad something is until you leave
First, thank you for sharing.<p>Second, please don&#x27;t play your life on hard mode, utilize the resources the humanity has for getting out of this hole:<p>* <i>Therapists</i> are walking knowledge bases which have studied all the ways people are driven into awful states, and can help you understand both <i>why</i> you got there, <i>how</i> you got there, and <i>where you need to go</i> to get out of there faster.<p>Not using therapy = wasting time on reinventing the wheel to arrive at the same answers by trial and error years later.<p>* <i>Coaching</i> augments therapy by helping you set specific goals, and helping you get there. Therapy helps you understand <i>what</i> to do, coaching is about <i>doing it</i>.<p>* <i>Psychiatry</i> augments therapy by giving you access to tools beyond what you <i>already use</i> go get you into a state where you are able to actually <i>do</i> the changes in your life that are necessary to get out of the hole.<p>People use and abuse caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, sugar drinks, weed, etc. to cope with unbearable situations and&#x2F;or get the kick to get going, often with detrimental health effects.<p>We can do better than that. Modern psychiatrist is 99% a potion expert, who can guide you to finding the right potion tailor-made for your specific type and state of mind.<p>Psychiatry alone <i>won&#x27;t solve your problems</i>, just like getting a rifle isn&#x27;t going to win the battle. You&#x27;ve got to actually <i>use</i> it. But having one helps a ton.<p>As humans, we are similar in many ways. The problems you just wrote about are shared and experienced by many among us, as are the solutions.<p>Going at it alone is like going into a battlefield before stopping by the armory and getting your mission briefing.<p>You may get out, but the statistical casualty rate indicates that it isn&#x27;t a solid idea.<p>To that end, analogies:<p>* Therapy = strategic command<p>* Coaching = tactical planning<p>* Psychiatry = getting your kit<p>Or, if you are more fantasy inclined:<p>* Therapist = spell master<p>* Coach = swords master<p>* Physiatrist = potion master<p>Your job is one of your mental health battlefields. Going unarmed and unprepared when you&#x27;re losing hit points is not going to help you beat the odds.<p>Personally, I can attest that I couldn&#x27;t make the jump the OP did without all three backing me up.<p>The silver lining was that all three were provided as a part of the benefits package. For anyone in the same boat:<p>* Therapy was listed as &quot;free counseling sessions&quot;<p>* Taking time off to take SSRIs and let them kick into gear was under &quot;short term disability&quot;<p>These words are deliberately off-putting <i>so that people are discouraged from getting what they pay for</i>. In particular, short-term disability package is an <i>insurance</i>, and if you&#x27;re at a point where your productivity <i>drops</i>, it applies.<p>It doesn&#x27;t mean you <i>are</i> disabled. What it means is that whenever a doctor can vouch that your performance is negatively affected by health reasons, whether it&#x27;s a broken leg or severe anxiety, to the point where you&#x27;re struggling to meet expectations, <i>the time off you take to get treatment is going to be reimbursed by the insurance you already paid for</i>, up to three months in CA, and <i>this can&#x27;t be held against you</i>.<p>That&#x27;s to say, they can&#x27;t use that as a reason to fire you.<p>Unlike whatever assignments you half-ass while being miserable and not getting help.<p>Reminder: for software engineering, most common mental health issues will generally fulfil the requirements necessary to get a short-term disability leave approved, as our work is <i>mental work</i>.<p><i>Note:</i> looking for a different job during your leave is explicitly OK, so if you find yourself in OP&#x27;s shoes, find a psychiatrist who will do the short-term disability paperwork. It&#x27;s a simple, short form.<p><i>Note 2:</i> y&#x27;all be thinking &quot;it&#x27;s not <i>that</i> bad&quot; — it <i>is</i> that bad. I&#x27;ve been there, and I lied to myself too.<p><i>Do NOT</i> let yourself get to the point where you&#x27;re contemplating suicide, like OP, or having suicidal&#x2F;self-harm <i>ideation</i>, like me (i.e. you don&#x27;t have <i>plans</i>, but the idea starts to seem <i>appealing</i>). If you don&#x27;t feel <i>revulsion</i> at the thought of suicide or self-harm, WAKE UP CALL: seek out ye potion master.<p>Here&#x27;s another reframing that can help you get over the internalized stigma:<p>* Short-term disability leave = prepaid sabbatical<p>Remember, STD leave — if available — is an <i>insurance</i> that comes as a part of your <i>benefits package</i>, i.e. out of your <i>compensation</i>.<p>You not only <i>deserve it</i>, it <i>benefits your employer</i> for you to make use of it <i>before it gets real bad</i>. To them, it&#x27;s <i>fleet maintenance</i>. Y&#x27;all are money-making vehicles, your brains are engines, so take time off to change that timing belt <i>before</i> it snaps and renders the entire machine unusable (and <i>unprofitable</i>).<p>Taking advantage of these resources is conspicuously missing from OP&#x27;s account, so I hope this will be of use to others.<p>To the OP: you are out of the toxic quagmire, but the very same resources can <i>significantly</i> speed up recovery, increase your productivity and boost both your career and your utility to your employer.<p>If you aren&#x27;t using these resources already, do that. If benefits don&#x27;t offer them, online counseling like BetterHelp &#x2F; Cerebral &#x2F; etc. is an affordable out-of-pocket option.<p>And all those who aren&#x27;t in the hole now: find out what resources are available now, before you need them. Burnout is very common in our field, so it&#x27;s best to be prepared.<p>----<p>It&#x27;s dangerous to go alone, take these:<p>* Therapy&#x2F;counseling = strategy<p>* Coaching = tactics<p>* Psychiatry = ammo<p>* STD leave = ceasefire<p>More so if you already <i>paid for all of those</i> as a part of comp.