Loving Someone with Depression
Living with me is quite difficult since I am suicidal a lot.<p>One of the biggest hells of depression for me is that I have
been through more than enough therapy that I can &quot;view myself&quot;
from the outside.<p>I can rerun conversations in my head that I have had many times
in therapy that are meant to enlighten me and show me that my
reasoning and thoughts are abnormal and even what it should be 
instead.<p>The hell is that I can establish this from an &quot;objective&quot; observer
but I cannot change how I am. I cannot stop what goes inside my
head.   If I could, I would have done so a long f.. time ago.<p>It all works out to torture me even more.<p>My recommendations for people I interact with:<p>1. Dont give me advice on how to get better. 
   Whatever you want to say, I have heard it a 
   million times. If you were to produce a novel 
   idea it wont help.  (99,999999% sure).<p>2. Dont tell me to [grow up, get over myself, 
   change my attitude, go for a walk,... etc]
   You are completely right in what you are saying. 
   I know this. 
   But like I said the hell is not being able to act o it.<p>3. Dont be condescending. 
   I am not a 5 year old child
   I am not mentally retarded. Speaking slow or loud wont help. 
     under all the layers my brain is still firing, dont presume
     I am a moron. {This actually happens a lot]<p>4. Dont ask if I want to talk about it. 
   I dont. Because I know it does not make any rational sense. 
   Thus confirming it is not and feeling judged by it.<p><pre><code>   However, sometimes I really need to talk, rant, curse, 
   So if you can take it, let me talk when I need to about it.
   Most people cannot take it. (Not their fault in any way)
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5. Utterly loud music. 
   For me something extremely aggressive. 
   Headphones do not work. 
   As Lemmy sings:<p><pre><code>       --Only way to feel the noise is when it&#x27;s good and loud
       --On your feet you feel the beat, it goes straight to your spine

    I have to be able to really feel it. 
    I have the ability to do so. 
    It is one of the few things that quiets down my brain a bit. 
    Aligns it. 

    However, I know my neighbors, people across the street, people
    above and below, do not at all feel the same way. 
    So even though it helps, I cannot do that. 
    Another f... me. 
    I wish I lived in the woods, or I could afford to soundproof my living
    room. Given cheap apartment construction, I am not sure if it is possible,
    if it is, it would take up so much space that there is nothing left.
    All I need is to build a room inside my room and suspend it somehow
    and ensure that there is a layer of absolute vacuum encompassing it.
    Easy.   
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6.  Sometimes I get locked in and I cannot make a decision one something.
    A subtle iteration of non-horrible possibilities is helpful when done right
    but it is asking a lot from another human being.<p><pre><code>    I am hungry, but I dont know what to eat. 
    Everything is bleak anyways and everything sucks. 
    Then a few minutes out, I am hungry (rinse and repeat).
    I can get stuck in this for hours inside my head. 
    
    Having someone who knows me go over some non-horrible ideas and 
    helping me think they are plausible helps me. 
    (but taxing for whoever does it).

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7.   When something eventually brings about the need for suicide as an 
     imminent and positive idea. It is hell for everyone and its nearly
     impossible to handle.<p><pre><code>     I mean I can again understand it.  
     Seeing someone you care about potentially killing themselves 
     in a couple of minutes puts a stress on anyone.  

     &quot;Dont do it, I love you, dont . &quot;

     I dont have any general advice for it. 

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I have pushed away the people in my life.
I live alone. 
There is no one I can call, except the ambulance.
See it has lasted for years. Decades.<p>People get fed up, tired, and move on, as they should.
Staying, esp over time is insane and not something you 
can ask of another human.<p>I have dogs.  Rescue dogs.
They are the only reason I am still on the Internet. 
They impose a structure in my life. 
They need walks, they need food, they need .. etc.
I still manage to think that they have a decent life with me. 
I dont have anyone who could take them where I knew they would have a better life.
They never bullshit me. 
They dont get angry at my bullshit. 
They always appreciate interactions and can cuddle for hours.