Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?
There are a lot of these that I would agree with as well. These days, my daughter is 21, and my son is 17. Here are some things that I’ve learned that I haven’t seen mentioned yet.<p>1. Don’t make a habit of being quiet because the baby is asleep. Go about your day, do the things you normally do, and talk at your normal voice. This will allow the child to become accustomed to having noise around when they’re trying to sleep. Otherwise, as they get older they’ll tend to be lighter sleepers, and not sleep as well. If the kid gets tired enough, they’ll fall asleep.<p>2. I never really talked “baby talk“ to my kids. I never really treated them as “less than“ because they were young. I will talk to them with the same attention as I would talk to anybody else — although when they were younger, I would definitely adjust how I explained whatever it is. About two years ago my son and I were driving somewhere, and he mentioned that this was something that he had always appreciated.<p>3. Find ways to connect with them. Spend some time in their world with them. Yes, your parent, and your job is to raise them. But meeting them on their level, sitting down on the floor next to your child, fluffy bear, fuzzy bunny, and a bunch of tea cups is a great way to build deep connections with your child from a very young age. As my daughter got older, she loved reading and‘s I would ask her about her favorite books and the characters in them. She’s now a “dungeon master “at D&amp;D parties. My son got really into Minecraft and building these worlds with blocks, that’s why I spend time with him talking about things that could be built. Now, he has his sights set on becoming an indie game developer.<p>4. Don’t try to make them a copycat of yourself. You are the only you that exists. Instead, help them become the best possible versions of _themselves_. Who _they_ are.<p>5. No two children are alike. Once you get everything dialed in for the first kid, if you decide to have a second kid, that kid will be completely different. This means that the way you teach things, the way you discipline, the way you do pretty much everything will be different for each kid that you have.<p>6. Be consistent. You and your spouse should always have a “united front”. You can debate, argue, complain, whatever to each other in private. But in public, in front of the kids, you need to be united. If you say bedtime is 8 o’clock, then bedtime is 8 o’clock. The kids will always try to weasel their way into getting more, or less, so set a few ground rules and keep them. You could always reassess and adjust them as they get older. But kids thrive in structure, so give them the reliability of things they can depend on.<p>7. One thing that I did when the kids were growing up was to count to 3. There were no halves, no three-quarters. Simply 1, 2, 3. I would tell them that they needed to do something, and if they ignored me, pretended not to hear me, or something else, I would begin the count. I would count one, then repeat the instruction that I had given them before. Then I would count two, and repeat the instruction again. But if I got to three, then it was the end of their little child world. My daughter, who is now 21 years old, has only gotten to three maybe five times her entire life. Two of them were before the age of three.<p>8. I have a zero tolerance rule for disrespect. I have told them they are free to disagree with me, they are free to feel angry if they don’t like something, they’re free to present their side of the argument if they want. But it will be done respectfully, and with a respectful tone. And I will always show them the same respect. If they start to mu or something under the breath, or back talk, or something else, I will fire warning shot by asking them if they have forgotten who they’re talking to. That’s usually enough and they bring it back down. They know that dad doesn’t fuck around like that.<p>9. Perspective matters. Your job is not to tell them what to do. Your job is to teach them how to become well-adjusted, fully functional adults. Part of that job it may include telling them what to do, but when they get older they need to be able to make decisions for themselves, and they can’t do that if they spent their entire life being told what to do. When they’re younger and up through the preteen ages, it’s mostly telling them what to do, with some amount of “why“ being part of the answer. As they become teenagers, the amount of telling them what to do lessons, but should be replaced with teaching them how to reason about a situation. You’re not always going to be with them, and if they don’t know how to reason about the situation because you’ve always told them what to do, they’re not gonna be very good at making good decisions for themselves. So you have to teach them how to do that. And that will continue shifting until they become young adults who are moving out and starting their own lives on their own. you never stop being a parent, but the way that you parent changes over time.<p>10. I’m going to end on this. Make sure that your child knows definitely, unambiguously, and confidently how much you love them, proud of them, and will always be there for them. “I know, dad“ with an Iroll will prove that you’re doing this well. They know it so much that they’re sick of hearing it. But that’s OK, because there are a lot of kids out there who don’t know how their parents feel about them, and that sticks with them for the rest of their lives. And don’t just say it, but show it. Go to their performances, go to their sports games, go to their place. Even if you think it’s boring hearing your kid play their instrument out of tune in an auditorium with a lot of echo, you do whatever you need to do to make sure that they feel like they absolutely killed it. The next school performance will be even better.<p>I hope this helps!