My dead dad’s journal
I <i>believe</i> our minds secrete N,N-DMT when we are dying, to help take us through the transition into death itself, the separation of our consciousness from our physical body, and &quot;our&quot; return to the collection consciousness of the universe. I believe that sometimes can explain why certain end-of-life mental scenarios are difficult - for some people, I think that secretion starts happening early.<p>Before my mother passed away, I was struggling with caring for her quite fiercely. She would talk about how she just got done writing a movie, or that she would see various &quot;demons&quot; in the corners of the room, etc. At first I didn&#x27;t know any better other than to say &quot;you&#x27;ve been here the whole time&quot;. I was trying to do my best but it was difficult. I&#x27;d walk outside on the porch to smoke a cigarette and before I could finish I&#x27;d hear her yelling like I&#x27;d been gone for hours.<p>Then, about a month before she passed, I was fortunate enough to have a few experiences with DMT. The first four or five were smaller trips, pleasurable and short, and the biggest one gave me exactly what I needed. The first two or three objective minutes of the experience felt more like 20-30 minutes internally. I had the most beautiful visual color overlays, and I felt like at that moment I understood <i>everything about everything</i>. Almost like the universe was just dumping information and knowledge into me, on a more subconscious level. I then had a really intense, pleasurable, almost orgasmic yet completely non-sexual vibration sensation. After this, my egotistical ass decided to try to play <i>Guitar Hero</i> of all things. Immediately the experience went into what I would call a &quot;hyperslap&quot;. My time perception was suddenly yanked <i>backwards</i> and I felt <i>forced</i> through the <i>exact path my eyes had taken while looking around the room during the initial part of the trip</i>. It didn&#x27;t seem to go back any further than the moment I ingested the DMT. But then I was pulled <i>forwards</i> to &quot;now&quot;. This happened back and forth I have no idea how many times. My friend and tripsitter was preparing a bowl of cannabis for after I came down. I perceived hearing the weed breaking up several times, no idea how many. At one point I remember the loops slowed down to the point where I tried to stand up, and I knocked over a soda bottle sitting on the floor. I also perceived that bottle fall over multiple times throughout the experience. At one point the experience pulled me back to now and then things got <i>really slow</i>. I suddenly had a random thought about &quot;hey, I&#x27;ve seen movies about dying and getting stuck in a loop, is it actually possible that <i>happens</i>?&quot;. So I asked out loud &quot;am I dead?&quot; My friend told me &quot;you&#x27;re more alive than you&#x27;ve ever been&quot;. This proceeded to kick off further time looping, and it kept speeding up. Eventually it turned into the inverse vibration from the early part of the trip, instead of being pleasurable it was absolutely dreadful and caused me to exclaim &quot;I&#x27;m never doing this again&quot; (spoiler: I&#x27;ve since had a few smaller DMT experiences but not another one quite as big).<p>The entire trip took about 45 minutes or so, when most DMT trips take 15-20 minutes. I did smoke a cigarette directly before consuming the DMT, so it&#x27;s possible that had an MAOI-type effect, which will greatly prolong a DMT experience (and why ayahuasca is usually a 4-6 hour thing).<p>After my normal reality returned to me, I felt like I&#x27;d been <i>completely mentally reborn</i>. My ADHD seemed cured for the moment. I could direct my focus wherever I wanted, and didn&#x27;t nearly have the problem I did before with any random thing involuntarily grabbing my focus. I also then perceived my mother&#x27;s situation <i>completely differently</i>, and I truly believe she was experiencing a natural DMT experience of sorts.<p>One time she was telling me she was seeing demons in the corner of the room, and I told her to close her eyes and think about Jesus (she was quite religious, although I&#x27;m more naturalistic and spiritual especially since the above experience). I gave her a few seconds and I asked her what she saw. She told me beautiful colors and flowers. To me that is <i>textbook</i> DMT, thoughts directly influencing vision.<p>I was able to process her death without grief after my DMT experience. I was able to understand that it was ok that my mother&#x27;s identity would cease to exist, because her consciousness was returning home to the universe.<p>Some people may say &quot;oh, we have no proof that any of this is true, so therefore it&#x27;s not&quot;. I agree with the first part of that statement but not the second. To me, the difference between classical organized religion and the beliefs I have adopted, is that the former tend to make people authoritative, while the latter only cause me to <i>strongly desire</i> to treat others with true kindness and understanding, to help ease their experience through this world and and make it more positive. I&#x27;m not necessarily saying <i>everyone</i> should try DMT, but I <i>am</i> saying that it needs to be heavily researched and studied. I feel like understanding more about all psychedelics will help us greatly in understanding things related to consciousness and death.