Ask HN: Things you wish you knew before having kids?
[UPDATED]<p>A fulltime father of a 2yr old.  Few bullet points on what I wish I had from the beginning.<p>1. &lt;5mons tons of skin to skin, lotsa of low calming talk to your baby, soothing music w&#x2F;o words like works from Claude Debussy, smile&#x2F;laugh at every chance.<p>2. &lt;9mons while baby on their back, move their legs like army crawling, lotsa of stomach time.<p>3. &gt;10mons 2 individuals who seem to contradict, but same messages: (just a few quick potent sound bites)<p><pre><code>    - Jordan Peterson : https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.youtube.com&#x2F;watch?v=5cTyxJWZC7k
   
    - *Gabor Mate\ : https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.youtube.com&#x2F;watch?v=fcPPDbvGr7s, https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.youtube.com&#x2F;watch?v=H9B5mYfBPlY
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4. Your child will mimic your every move, talk, and reactions.  They basically are your mini me.  When they say, the are reflections of you they aren&#x27;t kidding.  The few times I talked aspirated or over excited happy or angry, I witnessed my child re-enacting it later including the few words he remembers.  Kinda scary.  So point #4: you need to change who you are completely.  If you want to raise a calm, gentle, compassionate, humble, caring, empathetic child.  You need to show that in every thing you do.  If your child acts out or &quot;misbehaves&quot; or something you don&#x27;t approve of.  It&#x27;s not them, it&#x27;s you they are reflecting.  Again, you need to <i>show</i> not tell.   At this age and reasoning level, they have ZERO comprehension of  your words, only your tone and body language.<p>5. Join a dad&#x27;s group.  Even if you don&#x27;t receive &quot;support&quot; or advice, just by listening to others who will have gone through the same you have helps.<p>6. Although your child nor mine isn&#x27;t quite that age yet, Super Nanny shows on youtube are very helpful.<p>7. They need to be exposed to many diff kinds of people (race, gender etc.) But biggest difference is exposing them to other children their size and age.<p>8. Mom to join a Mom&#x27;s group.  That&#x27;s a must for her.  She needs an outlet and support only other mothers can give.  Not her mothers or mother in-law.  That&#x27;s too close for comfort.<p>9. Mother&#x27;s groups vastly by them donating outgrown toys&#x2F;clothes.  We are midincome like yourselves but this donation and also paying it forward is a social thing not necessarily although does help a financial thing.<p>My child can&#x27;t tell me what they feel or think because they don&#x27;t have the words....yet.   So they get unresponsive, &quot;disrespectful&quot;, misbehaves etc..   It isn&#x27;t because they want to, its because they don&#x27;t yet know how to tell you how they feel or think.  It&#x27;s frustration at it&#x27;s fullest.  They can&#x27;t yet control their emotions either so it seems almost bipolar; mad&#x2F;happy.<p>By the age or 7+ they are their own person and if you want them to be a good person, you <i>must</i> show <i>NOT</i> tell them how to now.<p>I also learned this when I volunteered to be a Big Brother to 3 boys who have now grown.   they were 5,6,8.  And because they weren&#x27;t my kids to &quot;discipline.&quot;  I had to use what I know now by Gabor Mate&#x27; way of compassionate talking and acting.  I had to &quot;show&quot; them howto not give them pointless endless lectures.<p>Bottomline, one thing you will need to be are: thick skinned bc you will need to do this in public too, and have patience as if you&#x27;re literally watching paint dry.<p>[EDIT] Didn&#x27;t put down anything pre-baby.  Here are some thoughts:
1. you need a play area for the child that is so baby-proofed that it&#x27;s basically a padded cell.  Having a gate to corral them is a must unless you have plenty of rooms and can dedicate an entire room for them.<p>2. you need to support your wife who pushed out a bowling out of her you know what.  Unless you can or did too, you need to baby her as much as you baby you new child.  This means endless washing dishes, clothes, entire house.  No I&#x27;m too tired BS.  You have no choice of the matter unless, you&#x27;re wealthy enough to afford maids.  You will be tired... period. Your life as you know it will no longer exist.. period.  You will have to change yourself in so many ways, you may not recognize  yourself in the end.  However, what you becomes is; more compassionate, sensitive, empathetic, patient, caring.<p>3. babies &lt;6mons loves large black&#x2F;white images.  They can only see shadows of light and dark so get books to show them.<p>4. Bath times are precious.  I did and still do all of the bathing.  At my child&#x27;s age of 2, although nursary rhymes are good, at bath time, I play the Supremes, chantels and at play time I play a lot of Baroque.<p>5. Take as *many* pictures and video as you can!!  Since it&#x27;s digital, no cost!  However, you need to housekeep all that pic&#x2F;video regularly as it will get out of hand.<p>6. Apps we use that are a must:<p><pre><code>   a) Baby Tracker https:&#x2F;&#x2F;play.google.com&#x2F;store&#x2F;apps&#x2F;details?id=com.nighp.babytracker_android&amp;hl=en&amp;gl=US
    
   b) Google Keep (shared with spouse) for the following:
        1. Milestone : keeping track of any differences and milestone achieving
        2. Needs like food&#x2F;clothing&#x2F;toys
   c) Wonder Weeks : https:&#x2F;&#x2F;play.google.com&#x2F;store&#x2F;apps&#x2F;details?id=org.twisevictory.apps&amp;hl=en_US&amp;gl=US
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7. Dedicated baby monitor and a security cam where you can record and of course view from outside house.<p>8. Sound machine is a must.<p>9. Baby needs to be swaddled and temps always around 68-71 sleeping.<p>I have to stop here.. omg.  So much info and I feel I&#x27;ve given only 10% of what I&#x27;ve learned.<p>Your life as you know will change...period.  And you&#x27;ll have to learn what you may have pushed out like nutrition, psychology for both parents and child.<p>Learn to <i>LOVE</i> washing milk bottles.