Suicide Attempters’ Long-Term Survival
I am 45 and am 99% sure I won&#x27;t make it to 46. This isn&#x27;t some unexplained &quot;out of nowhere&quot; ideation. It&#x27;s a consequence of being beat down and taken from over and over, then having to make due with less and less, rinse, repeat. There is a breaking point. In my experience most suicidal people I come across are so because of the same chronic loss and suffering. Pills and therapy and hotlines don&#x27;t help. They are plasters ignoring root causes. Root causes take time and money and that&#x27;s too much to ask.<p>I posted over a year ago in a desperate attempt to find a job that I could do despite all my issues. I&#x27;d been fighting for that for years. Because there is no social system where I am, not one that helps people. Culture here is about bootstraps and anyone who doesn&#x27;t pull them or have them is a mooch loser who &quot;deserves&quot; what they get. I couldn&#x27;t get myself anywhere better because of my issues. So I had to try and make due in the same grind but with far less ability and energy. One kind soul, the only one in all this time, offered such a job and I tried to get there, things got worse for me from a few sides and I slid back and couldn&#x27;t go. I am still TRYING and hoping, but hope isn&#x27;t enough. You have to be able to act, and the ground has to stay under you and not collapse.<p>We all know how difficult work and earning can be even when we are young and healthy and love what we do, imagine doing it when in constant pain, with no family who loves you, with no access to high quality medical care. Imagine seeing everyone around you grind and be exhausted and not having the opportunity and endurance they do. Not being able to go home and enjoy something after work because it takes all your mettle just to survive a day.<p>I have taken to using HN to vent my feelings on this topic when it comes up, and probably sound like a one trick pony. I am not even sure I care anymore. I used to worry what impression I would leave. That I might upset someone or ruin an ally with my depressive state. It all seems like it is irrelevant now as I won&#x27;t make it anyway. Years ago when I still had some shreds of bootstraps I couldn&#x27;t get any help from people or systems. I am incredibly resentful because I believe I could have built something then to get through this life and do some good. Now I feel most of the time like I won&#x27;t make it regardless. I feel only social support&#x2F;financial security&#x2F;medical access would even possibly give me a chance..and society and family have decided I am not &quot;worth&quot; that. My value has been recorded and notated. You cannot really beat a system like that. Once you lose you means to grind and become a drain on profits you become a thing to be disposed of rather than a person. Nobody WANTS to be in these shoes. Nobody CHOOSES it.<p>Until next time...or not...