Ask HN: Have You Burned Out?
I am almost at the bottom. About 20 minutes ago I booked an appointment to see a doctor about getting depression medication because I feel increasingly close to &#x27;the edge&#x27;.<p>I got &#x27;moved out&#x27; of an insanely competitive, fast paced job at a &#x27;scale up&#x27; 5 months ago, and I&#x27;ve taken the time out hoping to recover. I started looking for a job recently, but I don&#x27;t really know what I want to do. I mean, I do, but no-one hires someone who just &#x27;helps solve problems&#x27;. I don&#x27;t want my job to be dragging JIRA tickets across the board. I want to coach. I want to stop management doing stupid things. I want to solve business-like problems that alter the way the world functions for the better, MAYBE with software. But I don&#x27;t want to make software that I don&#x27;t believe in anymore. But that means fighting for the right solutions.<p>My career has slowly been simultaneously disintegrating and advancing over the past 5 years. I keep getting better &#x27;roles&#x27; or more pay, but I just fail harder each time. I&#x27;m coding less which means my saleable skills are atrophying. I&#x27;ve intentionally avoided becoming a manager, hoping I can keep one foot on the ground, and the other in senior management land and make things better for everyone. But I&#x27;m not really sure I&#x27;m succeeding at that.<p>I get really invested in the happenings at work - courtesy of a mantra I&#x27;ve carried my whole life - &quot;If you&#x27;re going to spend 8 hours of each weekday doing something, you might as well do it fully&quot; - so I do. Let&#x27;s do it well enough that we can all go do something better like, chill out on the beach, right?<p>In reality, I end up treading on peoples toes and end up in the firing line. Some people love me, some people hate me but I always get nailed on the cross eventually. I can&#x27;t do a job where I keep my head down. I can&#x27;t imagine anything more soul destroying than spending 8 hours of my day doing something that I don&#x27;t fully believe in. So then I fight for what I believe in, and then I get shot. It&#x27;s like a repeating cycle that I can&#x27;t escape. Purgatory.<p>And now this time I&#x27;m alienating myself. I&#x27;m casting off friends and friends are casting me off. I can&#x27;t see my future anymore. I don&#x27;t know what job I would enjoy. I can&#x27;t bring myself to take a &#x27;lesser&#x27; role where I mindlessly code software I don&#x27;t believe in. I don&#x27;t know what to chase. I don&#x27;t know what&#x27;s supposed to motivate me. I don&#x27;t know what the point of it is, if I&#x27;m not enjoying it.<p>And here it is: I wish I didn&#x27;t think that way. But I do. I wish I could just &quot;it&#x27;s just a job&#x2F;life, just do the crap they ask you to do&quot;, but I can&#x27;t. I always look for a better way. I&#x27;m always finding problems with the current way it works. And I always think I can help people find a better way. And then I drain myself and others trying to convince people it should be a different way. And then people get annoyed with me. And then I become jaded and depressed.<p>Or maybe I&#x27;m depressed, which then causes the other things. I don&#x27;t really know anymore. And I&#x27;m not sure I really care.<p>I&#x27;ve got a long term therapist. I&#x27;ve tried hypnosis, meditation, leadership coaching and psychedelics. I&#x27;ve listened to every self help book under the sun. &quot;Fixing myself&quot; is a full time job. But I&#x27;m really running out of options. I don&#x27;t know what else to do except commit myself to a psych ward, get a lobotomy, become homeless, take up heroin or disappear.<p>And the worst part is that I have the wherewithal to see that I&#x27;m (somehow) doing all of this to myself, whilst crying for help. But I don&#x27;t understand how to escape my own clutches - so that I can better those around me and lead a fulfilling life, where I&#x27;m understood and liked for the good nature, spirit and bravery that paradoxically lead to all of my troubles.