On Coding, Ego and Attention
This post did not reach the conclusion I was expecting based on the title. For me, I think I&#x27;ve largely experienced the opposite relationship between ego and my programming productivity.<p>Learning to program as a kid was probably one of the most exciting developments in my life up to that point, and I expect that&#x27;s true for many people on this forum. I originally attributed this to programming&#x27;s usefulness, and the mathematical beauty of watching all the pieces fall into place when solving a problem. And those were surely both important motivators, but, looking back, the primary motivator was the pure power trip of it. Programming is extremely powerful (software is eating the world, after all), and I could immediately sense that, and that power was the biggest high I got from it.<p>Throughout my teens and twenties, I didn&#x27;t really consider this, and just followed the high, and it led me to develop skills and a successful career as a programmer. For me, it was a positive feedback loop, where the more I put into programming, the better I got, and the bigger the ego boost. Unfortunately, though unsurprisingly, it got to a point where my inflated ego started getting in the way of my personal relationships, and even my self perception. I considered myself a great programmer, but not a very good person. I became quite self-loathing for many years, but I&#x27;ve noticed that&#x27;s healed up after moving away from programming as a primary job responsibility, and my personal relationships have benefited, too.<p>I still love programming for the beauty of it, and I still dive into little personal programming projects a few times a year. Part of me wishes I did so more often, but I&#x27;m held back because the only way I&#x27;ve found to get through a project of any duration longer than a few days is to basically develop delusions of grandeur about it. Programming is fun and beautiful, but very hard, too, and somehow without the promise of the conference talk, or the influential git repo coming out of it, there&#x27;s just too much friction. So, more often than not, these days, I simply don&#x27;t bother. I guess with my current middle-aged testosterone levels, I&#x27;d rather keep my family and friends than be king of the world.<p>(That said, if anyone out there finds this relatable, but has been able to push through and develop a healthier, less ego-reliant, relationship with programming, I&#x27;d live to hear about it!)