Ask HN: Is it possible to get an 18-year-old to spend less time on the computer?
TLDR:<p>- It&#x27;s unrealistic in today&#x27;s world to say that Under No Circumstances Should Anyone Spend 9 Hours A Day On A Computer.<p>- His&#x2F;her lifestyle may be unhealthy, but it&#x27;s not necessarily the computer usage.<p>- External social realities may make it difficult or impossible to hang out with friends in real life.<p>- &quot;Failure to launch&quot; is a real problem.  Providing assistance to overcome obstacles is better than judgment and trying to force behavior change.<p>- An actual &quot;Doesn&#x27;t want to launch&quot; situation is unlikely.  If it appears to be the case, it may be because he&#x2F;she doesn&#x27;t have a good enough relationship to feel comfortable discussing his&#x2F;her actual plans.<p>- It&#x27;s possible this is a situation of &quot;I want this, but I don&#x27;t want to want this.&quot;  In this case, technical measures may help, but they don&#x27;t have to be particularly sneaky or hacker-proof.<p>This sounds like it&#x27;s written by a boomer or earlier generation.  I&#x27;m rather surprised it&#x27;s posted on HN, by someone who is apparently young enough to have been a child in the Internet age.<p>In case you didn&#x27;t get the memo, the world has changed.  A substantial portion of the population, and a much more substantial proportion of this site&#x27;s audience, spends the majority of their day on computers and the Internet.<p>Spending time with your friends often happens on the computer today.  In case you haven&#x27;t noticed, for decades, kids have been losing the ability to meet up in person.  Causes include &quot;helicopter parenting,&quot; media-fueled concerns about kidnapping, fears of overzealous CPS cracking down on people for letting kids go places on their own, plus the Internet.<p>The pandemic accelerated this trend a lot, especially for young people, as many schools were online-only for multiple semesters.<p>The kid in question may not be a social butterfly.  It&#x27;s partly his&#x2F;her personality and interests -- the local teens may not care about the same things he&#x2F;she cares about -- and also, some people just end up as social outcasts through no fault of their own -- for example mild undiagnosed Asperger&#x27;s &#x2F; ADHD &#x2F; autism may not be obvious to a person or their family, but it may make them behaviorally different enough to just subliminally &quot;creep people out&quot; and turn others away.  The Internet can be a lifeline -- it may be much easier for him&#x2F;her to find a place among its thousands, perhaps millions, of fractally nested communities based around every conceivable group and interest.<p>Taking that lifeline away seems like a bad idea.<p>An 18-year-old is legally an adult.  Thinking of him&#x2F;her as a child, or treating them like one, isn&#x27;t going to accomplish anything worthwhile.<p>Computer time isn&#x27;t the problem.  It&#x27;s his&#x2F;her <i>free time</i> and spending it how he&#x2F;she pleases.  If he&#x2F;she was hanging out with friends, and they were playing baseball for 9 hours a day, and you wish they were playing basketball, guess what?  You don&#x27;t get a vote, and you&#x27;re kinda a jerk if you say &quot;You and your friends <i>have to</i> play basketball.  Or else I&#x27;ll find a way to stop your game.&quot;<p>What may be a problem is <i>failure to launch</i>.<p>Sit down and ask him&#x2F;her, &quot;Where do you see yourself in 5 years, or 10 years?  What do you need to do to get there?  What obstacles are in your way?  How can I help?&quot;<p>If he&#x2F;she is making progress toward a launch -- has a job and is saving up money, or is currently enrolled or in the process of applying to university -- then how he&#x2F;she spends free time doesn&#x27;t matter.  Trying to impose limitations will just build resentment, damage the relationship, and possibly psychologically damage the son&#x2F;daughter (see comment [1] for an example of how bad things can get if you go down this road).<p>If they want to launch, but they&#x27;re not making progress, <i>ask them what obstacles they face</i> and then <i>really listen to the answers</i>.  In comparison to earlier generations, college is incredibly expensive relative to income.  The process for scholarships and financial aid is complicated and confusing.  Entry-level job postings may require experience.  The application process for all three can be quite intimidating to an inexperienced adult.  Not having a car is a crippling logistical challenge in many parts of the US.  If they&#x27;re not used to working, it can be a major life change causing severe anxiety.<p>Offer help, but don&#x27;t dismiss their concerns as &quot;making excuses&quot;.<p>If he&#x2F;she <i>doesn&#x27;t want to launch</i>, and is planning to live in your basement until keeling over at age 99, that&#x27;s a different problem -- but I think this is unlikely.  (It may take some patience and persistence to break through the shell and get him&#x2F;her to talk about his&#x2F;her plans -- I sense this relationship may be strained already.)<p>If he&#x2F;she <i>doesn&#x27;t want to spend so much time on the computer but can&#x27;t control himself&#x2F;herself</i>, that&#x27;s actually a problem where technical measures can help.  The key is that he&#x2F;she agrees (freely, without threats or incentives) to be blocked or limited -- it&#x27;s a voluntary, self-applied tool to help with self-restraint.  The technical measures don&#x27;t need to be sneaky or utterly hacker-proof; they just need to put some extra steps into the process of screwing around when you shouldn&#x27;t be.  It&#x27;s fine if he&#x2F;she knows exactly what mechanism is in place and how to disable it, the point is to add extra steps to give his&#x2F;her rational brain time to interrupt the monkey brain&#x27;s &quot;Video games fun!&quot; with &quot;Should I really be doing this right now?&quot;<p>One simple trick is pomodoro, just have a timer that goes off every so often and reminds you to check the time, and compare what you <i>are</i> doing to what you <i>should</i> be doing.<p>This kind of self-control and self-discipline is hard to learn -- but this is actually an instance where it&#x27;s better to be living with parents and unemployed.  That way, the parents can help train the person&#x27;s resistance to the siren call of the Internet, and the consequences of a lapse aren&#x27;t as dire as losing a job or flunking out of college.<p>Anyway, the point is that approaching the issue in an adversarial way may motivate him&#x2F;her to move out, but it&#x27;s not worth the price -- it&#x27;ll damage the relationship, and possibly psychologically damage him&#x2F;her as well.<p>[1] <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;news.ycombinator.com&#x2F;item?id=32091676" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;news.ycombinator.com&#x2F;item?id=32091676</a>