Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?
I wrote this a week after our first:<p>Prepartum<p>- don&#x27;t be afraid to call the hospital&#x2F;go in before birth. At one point we were worried that the baby wasn&#x27;t moving enough, at another point we thought labour might have started when it hadn&#x27;t. Both times the hospital were more than happy to check things out, and it gave us peace of mind.<p>Labour<p>- you can do a huge amount as support person. I was led to believe that I would be essentially useless during the birth, but at least according to my wife that wasn&#x27;t the case at all.<p>- eye contact and synced breathing during pushing helps your partner more than you know. I thought it was pretty daft but afterwards my wife said it was the only thing she was aware of, and she had no idea how fast she was breathing until I told her to slow down.<p>- question your healthcare staff. Ask them why, what are the risks, what happens if you do nothing. We were told that things weren&#x27;t going as fast as they should as she was only 6cm dilated and needed oxytocin to move things along: we asked if it was safe to wait an hour and they said it was, we focused on moving round more and stretching the hips, an hour later she was fully dilated and ready to go.<p>- during the birth, your partner is not a sane, rational adult that you know and love, they need you to look after them. Imagine getting kicked in the balls for 10 hours: you&#x27;re going to forget to eat&#x2F;drink, and you&#x27;re not going to respond well to questions. Remind them to drink, remind them to eat if they are hungry, remind them to move around to help drop the baby down into position.<p>- Get into support positions that you can maintain. Your partner could be pushing for hours, make sure that how you&#x27;re holding them&#x2F;supporting them is sustainable and you aren&#x27;t hurting yourself. Follow the nurses lead with this, since they do it every day they have a bunch of positions that help the pushing while still being comfortable for them.<p>- I thought the Dr was being scarily rough with the babies head when it was coming out, but it was just wrinkled skin.<p>- there will be poo, no one will care<p>- take spare clothes in case you&#x27;re there a few days<p>- take a pillow.<p>Postpartum<p>- your partners milk may not come in straight away, the baby may be too sleepy to eat. Prepare to supplement with formula for a bit, and pump to stimulate production. This tool will tell you where your baby needs to be weight Wise <a href="https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.newbornweight.org&#x2F;chart&#x2F;" rel="nofollow">https:&#x2F;&#x2F;www.newbornweight.org&#x2F;chart&#x2F;</a><p>- related to the above: feeding is the priority, not sleep. After leaving the hospital we got told to let the baby feed as wanted, but all the baby wanted to do was sleep. I was pretty proud of taking the baby and letting my wife get some sleep until the next weigh in we found out the baby hadn&#x27;t eaten enough, then I felt like shit.<p>- the only thing you can&#x27;t do after the birth that your partner can is breastfeed, and if they pump you can do that too. Skin to skin contact rewires your brain, and it feels amazing. Since your partners chest smells like milk, the baby may sleep better on your chest instead too.<p>- Healthcare people can be a bit intense&#x2F;insensitive. They have a tight schedule, they do this every day, and their main concern is the babies health. None of this is bad, but it can lead to them not being particularly tactful with you. Try and focus on what they are saying and not how they are saying it, and don&#x27;t be too terrified.<p>Update now I have a 2 and 3 year old:<p>- Try and avoid holding your baby directly by your hands, it&#x27;s easy at first because they are so light, but if you keep doing it as they get older you&#x27;ll fuck up your wrists. Try and hold them nearer to your elbow. Bonus: when they are a bit bigger you can carry them and still have two hands free<p>- Always put a nappy (daiper) underneath the one you&#x27;re about to take off, if there&#x27;s a second wave you can quickly catch it.<p>Relationships (assuming you are in one, and your partner is the primary carer):<p>- Whenever you have a break, before you sit down, ask your partner if you can do anything for them. Remember that breastfeeding&#x2F;bottle feeding isnt a break for them because they&#x27;re sitting down with a quiet baby; they&#x27;re stuck with the baby until it&#x27;s finished: ask them if they need a drink, or food, etc.<p>- Stay on the same team. It sounds bad but treat it like you and your partner vs the baby, never like your partner and baby vs you. The baby&#x27;s goal is to take up all your free time and sleep and make you resent each other, your goal is to help your partner get enough rest, stay sane and feel human.