Ask HN: How do you find time for a side project while keeping your family happy?
Holy. Oh boy, you are in a similar situation to me.<p>When you are single, you want to be in a relationship. When you are not, you kind of miss that time. The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side.<p>But it doesn&#x27;t mean it&#x27;s always better.<p>I work with my girl. Every day. I have worked with her every day for the past 7 years. I see her almost every moment of every day.  However, here is the distinction: being next to her and spending time with her are two very different things in their minds.  In my mind, we just spent the entire day together. In her mind, we spent no time together at all.<p>And its true on both accounts.<p>She has said those very same words to me: &quot;When do I get to spend time with you?&quot; And I&#x27;ve thought, &quot;We&#x27;ve been together all day, literally.&quot;<p>So lets get down to the facts:<p>- At one point, you would do anything for this woman.<p>- At one point, you would give up every waking moment for this woman.<p>- At one point, you loved this woman so much, she was all that mattered.<p>Now, reality does set in, the honeymoon phase wears off. And despite what some women think: Men do not always want to be thinking about sex. I wish I could have a day or two or even a week of just not thinking about it at all. And there are days, where I&#x27;m really just not in the mood.<p>And of course, the reality is... men do need their own time without feeling overwhelmed or crowded.<p>Lets get down to what you need to do and what I am still learning.<p>This woman loves you. She WANTS to spend time with you. If you don&#x27;t want to spend time with her, she will find a man who does.<p>So in a way, you must compromise.<p>If you have free time on the weekends, take her out, take her out on a date, go to the movies with her. Make it interesting. Show her you still want to do things with her and enjoy her company.<p>On the weekdays, tell her you have to work, but you want some time for your side projects as well.<p>Communication is key here. I would keep it as an open discussion.<p>Instead of telling her <i>how it is</i> or how <i>you think it should be</i>, say something like, &quot;I love you so much and I want to spend time with you and just being in your company makes me so happy. You I know I work all day, and I come home, and I would really like to focus on a few side projects that I have in mind. I wish there were more hours in a day to focus on some of those additional projects. I have a dilemma: I want to devote my time to you, but I also want to explore these side projects too. When do you think it be alright for me to work on those projects?&quot;<p>She also should have some hobbies. I have noticed this: I have more &quot;hobbies&quot; than she does in regards to side projects. She, however, loves making things with wood and works on a lot of house projects. I end up assisting her and helping her, which gives us some time together, but I&#x27;m more interested in doing my own side projects, than house projects. HOWEVER, this too, must be a compromise. Her house projects are not just &quot;her projects&quot;, they are mine too, because they really do make the house look better.<p>I am the best friend and pretty much the only friend my girl has. She doesn&#x27;t try to make friends. She doesn&#x27;t care to make friends. I must accept this.  I too, hardly have any friends, and any free time I have .. I just want to spend it by myself working on my side projects.<p>Now... you are just trying to establish dialogue. Some women may get upset over the miscommunication and think you don&#x27;t want to spend time with them.  But she must understand too: you work all day. Of course, you want to spend time with her, but you also want a few hours just to focus on some of your own hobbies.<p>In my own relationship, here is kind of what we have done:<p>I get home from work, I do spend at least a half hour to an hour with her, just spending time with her, talking to her, and getting into the mindset of being home. We unwind. I tend to lie in bed with her, we&#x27;ll watch television. We&#x27;ll chat about work and other things going on, and she loves her rubbings. Occasionally, it does lead to some romance time. I wish it was more often, but its something that just comes with any relationship... its not as &quot;vibrant&quot; as it was in the beginning. Afterwards, when I see she is falling asleep, I focus on my own projects.<p>Advice: don&#x27;t immediately run to your side projects after work.<p>Because I am a &quot;rocker&quot; (I rock back and forth which helps me concentrate), she has said it wakes her up and bothers her, so we agreed that after she falls asleep, I am free to go downstairs on the couch and work on what I need to work on. I usually get 2-3 hours before I get exhausted and return back to bed. So I&#x27;m usually coding from 1 or 2 AM to 5 AM and then I sleep until about 11 AM, at which point, we have some time, about 4 hours, to get some errands done before work starts.<p>Here is an interesting thing to realize: we are programmers. They see us on the computer. What they think we&#x27;re doing is just surfing Facebook or something useless, so they think that time is just time we could be spending with them.  However, if we were gamers, they would see us physically playing a game, and realize: Oh he&#x27;s doing something.  You have to get it into her mind that YOU are DOING SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE that isn&#x27;t just wasting time on a computer.<p>For my girl: I had to drill it into her head -- I am not just making programs for the helluvit and I am not avoiding you. Sure, I created a free program or two.. and she understood I was learning. Now I am trying to work on SaaS applications that will bring us extra income since we are, unfortunately, floating in a mountain of debt that isn&#x27;t going away fast on our salaries.  What I try to do: I involve her in the testing phases. She helps me test it out, tells me what&#x27;s wrong, tells me what can or needs to be changed, etc. This definitely helps me and her because we are a team and I am able to include her in things I am doing as well.<p>She just wants to spend time with you. So make sure you fulfill her needs, but you are still human and have your own needs too.. sometimes you will want that attention from her and other times.. just to be left alone to focus on your activities. Communicate and compromise. You both can figure something out.