Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?
It&#x27;s funny. I was recently in a rut like yourself since 2020. Aibet younger, 28. Total 180 as of last month<p>I work a good stable engineering job (mech, not tech), but am very bored of it. I clock in and out on autopilot. Unengaged<p>I have many interests, but I don&#x27;t DO many things in my spare time beyond reading or consuming passive entertainment<p>I broke up with my girlfriend maybe 6 months ago, probably waited way to long to do so out of fear of being alone. Been on a few dates, but just going through the motions seeing girls who liked me but I felt apathetic about<p>I have seldom but a few good friends. I usually never initiate any outing, just wait for invites to trickle down my way, trying my best to shield sense of insecurity in my social life<p>-<p>For some reason last month everything clicked like getting hit with a sack of potatoes. I just got rejected by a girl who I thought I was pretty interested in<p>On our last date, I tried flirting with her in a way which was bold for me and out of my usual comfort zone (not creepy), but it felt extremely natural and right to do at that moment. It&#x27;s funny. I didn&#x27;t care about being rejected one bit beyond minnor sexual frustration. My pride in my honest approach stayed and lingered. And if she does not see the value of what I&#x27;m proud in, fuck it, nice girl, but we probably just aren&#x27;t a compatible match! Nothing lost<p>It&#x27;s weird how the (my?) brain works that way, but my confidence and pride in myself shot up through the roof instantly after and has stayed. It reminded me of some very important things:<p>1. Social life, career and dating are all connected in the sense that REALLY it&#x27;s not about others or externalities; you do need to make an active effort to bump shoulders with others, but the effort becomes easy if treated primarily as a self improvement exercise. Take any steps no matter how small to become someone you&#x27;d be proud of<p>I thought to myself for a year &quot;dammit, I want a job in X new field, but have no idea how to network into it, it&#x27;s so hard!&quot;. Stayed dormant out of fear. Fuck it. I realised &quot;Hey, I made a good impression with multiple friend&#x27;s parents at a wedding… they worked long careers in something unrelated, why not blitz general advice from them? Can&#x27;t hurt&quot;. I started calling them; a few duds, but others are really good at giving me soft advice. Just with small general tips, it lowered the anxiety bar to take action so much… the small things do pile up and can make you freeze up! It made me realise &quot;oh ya, this isn&#x27;t a scarry insurmountable task, I CAN do this, it DOES make sense for me and I DO have value to provide&quot;<p>2. You may think you&#x27;re inferior to others because you don&#x27;t have X or Y. I did. But I realised it&#x27;s not HAVING X or Y which makes you confident and fufilled, it&#x27;s PURSUING X or Y, and all of us have all the agency in the world to purse what you want<p>I have been telling myself for ages I want to join an improv comedy group. I already knew there was a place by me that gives lessons. Never signed up, because, I was scared to feel like a loser I guess. Fuck it. When that girl rejected me, I drove down there the next day, asked the guys behind the counter &quot;alright, your website is confusing, tell me where to start, I&#x27;m signing up today&quot;. It starts next year. The act alone of pursuing my interests just shot my confidence up so much. I&#x27;m becoming a person I love again, and all it took was signing a form<p>3. You probably have a ton of great qualities in yourself, and probably have flaws just like everyone else too. But what people will sense is if you are focused on your qualities OR flaws. Be kind to yourself; you have a lot to offer, focus on bringing that to people<p>Reading your post, I see a few things. In &quot;the good&quot; section, you mention many negatives. Severe procrastination, some savings from &quot;that one time before when you were so much more cool than today&quot;, age as a negative. Dude, that stuff is fine! Everyone procrastinates sometimes, people have high and low points, people age. But telling yourself you&#x27;re a severe procrastinator gives you an unconscious excuse to not make baby steps towards the life you want to live. Saying you&#x27;re 43 unconsciously tells you you&#x27;re too late in life to qualify for love or a good career. You&#x27;re NOT. You&#x27;re only too old once you&#x27;re dead. Seriously<p>From your post, I can see you&#x27;re a caring as fuck guy (moving countries to help your dad… like, you really cared!), intellectually smart and curious (post undergrad degree, posting in HN), very self observant. You may think that&#x27;s small. No. Don&#x27;t discount that. It&#x27;s great. It&#x27;s fine to speak about areas you want to improve with peers, but remember, you ARE capable and can do so<p>If you ever think you&#x27;re lacking some qualities which you can achieve through action and are insecure about, just remind yourself of points 1 and 2. You can be proud of yourself today, and proud-er-er tomorrow with action<p>4. Don&#x27;t be afraid to say no to things that don&#x27;t feel right, don&#x27;t be afraid to ask for what you want<p>I turned down some of the girls I was seeing before who I didn&#x27;t care much about. As soon as I did, I noticed my mental bandwidth, focus and confidence rose. I know who I am, what I want… very nice girls, but I want more than nice on paper or would bring social validation. I CAN be selective. I&#x27;m worth it. With what I can offer, why settle for less<p>I recently went into a university psychology study for a girl I haven&#x27;t spoken to since undergrad just for fun (we are all nerds here, studies are fun). Doing the study, I realised she is pretty cute, enough for me in the past to be scared to talk to her. Hmmm. Decided to ask her out over email once she gave me the study results like it was 1999. I was a little scared; I thought &quot;oh no, do I look like a creepy weirdo? Does she think I did this study just to ask her out? She must have a boyfriend&quot;. She didn&#x27;t. It worked. I&#x27;m seeing her this week. And if it didn&#x27;t, I just wouldn&#x27;t hear back from her while I&#x27;m still working on myself! Nothing to lose!<p>5. Peers help in so many ways. Humans are social and accountability is infectious. If you can choose between doing something you&#x27;d want alone (apply for job posting on linkedin) or with peers (message someone at X firm who posted that job on linkedin),try to always pursue the social option when apropreate. Always be pursuing new connections, as many opportunities in all categories in life can come from unpredictable connections. You will also develop commodore and be less lonely<p>6. Don&#x27;t beat yourself up if you make mistakes or slip up, it&#x27;s okay to have downtime after taking a shot at a step to make you happy. Be kind to yourself. I make mistakes everyday, but I don&#x27;t lose anything with trying. When you get a few bites with progress, the confidence starts to snowball and your desires become much more clear<p>Sorry for the length, but I hope some of this will help. You got this. Feel free to reach out if you want to shoot the shit about whatever<p>Thanks for coming to my Ted talk