Pre-Holiday Cleanup
Memo to Gold Standard, Frankincense Standard, and Myrrh Standard: YOU ARE DUMB.
Righto. Holiday time. End of the year. And while I suspect I'll find the time to write a bit next week, I don't think any of us will be surprised if columns go up on an irregular and sparse schedule. But there's some stuff that needs to be dealt with, and rest assured, I will deal with it in what is probably the last SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY of 2011.
Oh, look. Everyone's talking about Ron Paul's racist newsletters. And Ron Paul is claiming that while the incredibly crazy and racist stuff was published in THE RON PAUL REPORT, that he didn't write any of it and could not be responsible for their contents.
Now, why does that sound familiar. Oh yeah, HERE'S WHY.
Nearly four years and nearly 1,000 columns later, and what have we learned? That I'm ahead of the curve some of the time, and right most of the time. I'd like to thank Ron Paul, all his racist friends, and the dino-brained national media for giving me my favorite Christmas present. Proving I'm smarter than you.
And speaking of gifts, my gift to you. If you haven't done so yet, hit up the Nerdist channel on YouTube and watch all the campaign videos featuring Marvin E. Quasniki, puppet candidate for President. It's not the most cruel, biting political satire, but it's funny, funny, funny. And once you've seen them, you'll know why I said the word "funny" three times.
An update on the Lowe's / All American Muslim story:
This week, Lowe's insisted that it did not pull ads from All American Muslim because of the demands of the Florida Family Association, AKA half a dozen gator-fuckers with some letterhead they got during a sale at Staples. In fact, by the time they got the FFA's letter in the afternoon, the decision to pull the ads had already been made, that same morning! So clearly they're not caving to the pressure of inbred Islamophobic assholes who think the Caliphate is massing on their borders. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
"On the morning of Monday, Dec. 5, Ahearn said that a member of Lowe's social media team brought negative chatter about the show to management's attention that was appearing on social networks." - The Charlotte Observer.
Um, Lowe's? I'm not sure if you realize this, but pulling the ads because of ASSHOLES ON TWITTER is not an improvement. You're still pulling the ads because stupid people hate any show that paints American Muslims as something other than violent, extremists with infidel murder in their hearts. But I'm glad you're standing by your decision to pull the ads in the face of all this criticism, because last week, I thought you were just stupid, and now I know you're stupid, stubborn, and bigoted.
There's been a lot of chatter on the lefty side of the Internet about Politifact, and how their national arm somehow decided that "The Republicans voted to end Medicare" was their Lie Of The Year, even though the Paul Ryan plan will, in fact, end Medicare. They're justifying it in three ways. First, that it'll take about 30 years for the people who get to stay on Medicare under the Ryan plan to die off, so it won't "end" for a while. Second, the shitty vouchers that will force seniors to shop for less efficient, more expensive private insurance will still be called "Medicare", and third, that the people whining are a bunch of partisans who just hate Politifact's dangerous, balanced stance.
Yes, they called themselves "dangerous". You know who calls themselves "dangerous"? Fucking poseurs, that's who.
This just speaks to the problem of no referees in American politics. When there are no referees, there are no rules, which is why the media's been co-opted, the checks and balances have been dismantled, and Newt Gingrich wants to arrest judges he doesn't like. Politifact tried to fill this void, but very quickly fell into the cable news "balance" trap that says you can only be non-partisan and fair if you criticize both sides equally, regardless of which side is actually telling more or bigger lies. And that's how a basically true mild exaggeration became "Lie Of The Year".
I'd like to thank the Teabagger Congresscritters for their rejection of, and eventual cave on, the payroll tax extension. I don't know why you did it, and I don't know how you did it, but you basically took a bill that gave Republicans everything they wanted (the Keystone XL thing, no tax on millionaires, a cut in extended unemployment benefits, and another date in two months when you can take the whole fucking thing hostage again) in exchange for something Republicans wanted (tax cuts), and turned it into a huge liberal cause and victory.
Sure the actual policy results are shitty from a leftist perspective - the original plan, of no cut in unemployment, a tiny millionaire surtax, and a bigger payroll tax cut would have been WAY better - but I'll take great optics and shitty policy over shitty optics and shitty policy any day of the week. And that's what you've given us for Christmas, because, well, you're NOT THAT BRIGHT.
Spastic Topic Monkey Friday