Asked a good friend out and regretted it
By dragonfly94
January 23, 2014 in Dating Advice
dragonfly94
I've been attracted to a classmate for a while now, and recently told him I liked him in the spur of the moment. Mainly because I was super jealous of the attention he was paying another girl. And he turned me down, not blowing me off completely though. And I got miserable. A couple of days later I told him I liked him again and if he didnt, I wanted to back off, not be kept hanging. And he admitted to liking me too. But then said "Don't expect anything more anytime soon." and "I like you, you like me, now forget about it". And I was confused about what exactly it was, so I let it be, didn't think about it. Now literally two days later hes flirting with me, and I responded, until he brought up something about a relationship. And I panicked in that minute. I wasn't sure what it was, just two days earlier I'd have jumped at the offer, probably been ecstatic, but in that moment, I was scared as to what he wanted. So I told him that since he had told me to forget about it, i had forgotten about it and i wasnt ready for it to be brought up right then. He said he'd wait for me, or he'd be with me forever that way.
I felt immensly guilty. I couldnt keep a man hanging for something I wasnt sure about. Something that didnt make me feel good anymore. And I told him today that I don't want to ruin our friendship and im afraid i already had. He took it pretty well, but im sure he's hurting or is atleast upset and ive probably permanently impaired a good friendship. The thing is the day he told me to not expect anything more from him, he also told me to keep it a secret. That made me a wee bit uncomfortable too but I could be overthinking. I don't know much about him outside of college, he could possibly have a girlfriend(I'm not proud to admit, but I did facebook stalk a bit and I do think he does, but he just wont acknowledge her and I obviously won't bring it up if she doesn't, but I'd hate to be the other woman in any relationship, considering that's how ive been hurt so many times).
Well, now he seems a bit off. And I guess im worried if I took the right decision by listening to my gut and putting a stop to it before it started. Or if I made a huge mistake and lost a friend.
Kendahke
Anytime anyone wants you to keep their dealings with you a secret, you can best believe it's because they dont' want it getting around that they are dealing with you--and more than likely, it's because there is a girlfriend/boyfriend that they're trying to keep. I mean "Don't expect anything more anytime soon" sounds like "I've got a girlfriend" to me.
Quite honestly, he really didn't sound all that interested in anything with you, hence his mealy-mouthed response.
You win some, you lose some... he wasn't the guy for you right now, so just go back to being friends and cast your sites in another direction.
Batya33
What I would do next time is, unless there's a 100% enthusiastic response when you ask someone out (and that includes "I am not free on that day but can we reschedule for next week?" -that's fine) then move on. The person already knows you're interested so the ball is in his court. I'd stop asking him about his feelings for you and stay away unless and until he wants to ask you on a proper date -ball is in his court.
@kendahke, that's precisely what set me off, I literally went from being starry eyed to nothing in seconds when he said he wants to keep it a secret. and @batya33, the less than enthusiastic response too perturbed me and I got feeling maybe hes just not that into me. But 2 days after that he was all "I want you, and you're all I want" and I found that a strange contrast from the cold responses he gave me the last time, which is why I told him I couldn't be with him, but I guess I just feel so guilty about doing that.I guess that's just life.
Did you ask him why he changed his mind so fast?
Yes i did and he gave me a rather vague reply. I cant help but feel maybe hes just not into me and is going for me as an option. I just recovered from a terrible break up and i dont want to feel that way again, atleast for a while. But my worry is if im making a huge mistake. Another strange thing is my feelings towards him, very strong then not there at all, as if i only want him when he doesnt want me. I feel so messed up. Dont want to take any rash decisions, but im feeling pretty low
Thorshammer
Wow... Great friend you got there. You said you have a bad history with men and here this guy is trying to talk to you while he keeps whatever connections he has with this other girl under wraps. Unless you want to learn the mind of a player, what exactly are you gaining from this friendship?
I would have brought her up, or ask to exchange facebook. I like to see people squirm, you learn to read body language and bs talk when you start up fires, that's how I got so good at reading people.
You also show signs and admitted to falling for the push/pull method of attraction. Players pick up on that easy, even just normal experienced daters can read that- you will have a hard time finding someone of substance because that's basically pushing away men, and keeping the vultures swooping, in some ways that means you areinviting game play and not many men will risk their feelings going after a girl who runs away from the chase- but the vultures will... They have the experience to read right through it.
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