a friendly penguin
trolling for fish
Count me in but this is my first Thunderdome (curse my husband for throwing me in) so I am requesting a story to invert.
# ¿ Apr 26, 2016 14:30
A Virtue
Inverting: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3691539&perpage=40&pagenumber=49#post443691067
Theme from original: desperate questioning of identity
http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=4713&title=A+Virtue
a friendly penguin fucked around with this message at 23:57 on Aug 28, 2016
Thank you for the critique, Thranguy!
I really enjoyed your story too, ironic twist.
In this week with https://youtu.be/RClU4uW5Qs0
Molten copper vs popcorn
# ¿ May 3, 2016 19:49
Gives No Shelter
Inspiration: Molten Copper vs Popcorn
http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=4726&title=Gives+No+Shelter
One's a diminutive, Russian spy with no country the other's a two faced god from a forgotten Amazonian tribe.
# ¿ May 17, 2016 00:37
Wunza: One's a diminutive, Russian spy with no country. The other's a two faced god from a forgotten Amazonian tribe.
You have to get in to get out
http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=4755&title=You+have+to+get+in+to+get+out
HEY YOU DICK-JUGGLING CHUCKLEFUCKS THERE'S STILL A PROMPT TO SIGN UP FOR SO MAYBE YOU COULD LIKE TAKE A BREAK FROM TRYING TO PISS YOUR ~PERSONAL BRAND~ OF KAYFABE ALL OVER THE THREAD AND SIGN UP????
While all of you Greek gods strut around throwing lightning bolts and tidal waves at each other, some of us mortals just want to bash each other's skulls in with rocks. If that's not too much to ask.
In for this week's prompt.
Also, thanks to those who write the crits. You all are the true epic heroes.
a friendly penguin fucked around with this message at 23:37 on May 25, 2016
http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=4775&title=Deliverance
Guess I'm in for Tuesday.
Thanks for the quick crits, all.
Man agonizes over potato - Tuesday Rule
Words: eclectic, gestalt
http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=4798&title=Still+Life
Critiquing:
Chernabog posted:
Tuesday words:
perspicacious
mellifluous
juxtapose
Flash rule: A person gets crushed by an avalanche of ironic consumer goods.
A very potato miracle - 1197 words.
This reads like a bad holiday movie. I'm sure you meant the holiday movie part, what with the title and all, but I'm also sure you didn't want it to be bad. It might be worse than bad though because in bad holiday movies, the protagonist usually learns a lesson while also triumphing over the hubristic antagonist albeit in a ham-fisted way. Your main character doesn't go through any growth or have any change at all.
I also have a hard time believing much of what happens in the story. The likelihood that his wife would use his prized potatoes without a second thought but also be willing to sabotage someone else's entry is low. The time constraints you put on Asher to not be able to find russet potatoes at a different store but yet he has time to answer all of the police questions in a double homicide doesn't work either. The possibility that two men are actually killed by falling safety equipment (oh the irony) in a shopping center is so outside the realm of belief, that my interest also died right there. (I know it was a flash rule, but… meh.)
Your story needs better obstacles than the ones you have set up and they need to actually feel real. All of the problems you set up for your character are either unbelievable or easily overcome. All of your characters are flat. Asher shows no emotion, even when he wins and Boris doesn't. His humility at the end is meaningless since it juxtaposes nothing. His lack of concern for two people who died, including someone he actually knew, in fact points to him as likely having no feelings whatsoever.
But I think I'm putting more thought into this than you did. It is a story, there is a beginning, middle and end. There are characters. But those two things are where you stopped. You need to go a little further in developing your whole work. Asking some basic questions like: What does this story show? Who would my characters be in other situations? What do I want to accomplish with this story and have I done it?
Monday Flash Rule: Don't feel like writing about potatoes? Your man can now agonize over whatever his heart desires.
Flash Rule: Man agonizes over his paseo
Flash Rule: Story takes place between breaths
I am a bad writer and also a bad reader, so I thought it would be helpful for me if I tried to analyze a better writer. Hope you get something out of it too.
There is a lot of tension in your story which makes it compelling. The need for the action to take place in the span of a breath gives it an element of time crunch. But there's also the opposing male figures. Immediately the reader can't help but hope (along with Tabby) that her teacher will be a foil to the father. But at the same time, the brain strays to the other possibility and is dreading it.
It's well paced. I can see that in the way you set up the previously mentioned question but without it feeling as if the reader has to wade through the entire story to find out the answer.
Similar to the point of your story, you use negative space to say a lot. I can't say that I understand all of what you're trying to say. Like the paragraph after she receives her paper back.
"She pretended not to see the smug, pitiless glances of the other girls. She tried to ignore the graffiti in the bathroom, the leering boys in the hallways, and the giggling whispers that were always just loud enough to hear."
What exactly could they know? Or perhaps that they know is all in her head. She just perceives that all of their looks and sneers are directed at her. But it does get me thinking.
However, I think this story could use even more negative space. In the sparse style you've already created, you've almost got too much description of the father's lusty actions. Even your descriptions of the English teacher could use some trimming.
Your story is relatable, compelling and plunges depths of the human mind and human behavior.
Aw poo poo, is it Friday?
Also, thanks for the words, Sitting Here and Titus.
a friendly penguin posted:
http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=4842&title=February
Week 201 Critiques, Part I
Author: a friendly penguin
Plot: I think some humans are plotting against a monster?
Thoughts: I can appreciate unconventional storytelling, but, lol, I had to read your story four times to understand what you were going for. Having understood that, I do like your piece. It has some really awful clarity issues but once you understand that this is a monologue/warning/story being told to a child, your intention becomes much clearer. Tone is nice. There is a sense of menace that pervades your sentences. Again, though, I'm not sure how to interpret certain segments. Is the monster magical? Does it reside within people? I think it is snatching up and eating children but I'm not sure.
Okay, phew. A section break. Hopefully you can wrap matters up and clarify.
Ehhh, I think you wrote yourself into a hole in the first part and realized there was no way to resolve the central conflict using the perspective used. The sudden shift to the monster comes off as really jarring. Nonetheless, there's some lovely prose here and I have a slightly clearer sense of what is happening through the next few paragraphs. Unfortunately, I quickly lose that clarity by "The day grows late." I think the monster is being hunted at the end, though, so I guess it's technically a happy ending?
Story Elements to Improve Upon: Uhhh… clarity. I have no idea how to interpret large segments of this story.
Recommended Reading: As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner might be helpful if you really want to pursue unconventional story structure. (my mother is a fish.)
You have no idea how helpful of a critique this is. Thank you!
# ¿ Jul 4, 2016 11:45
http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=4893&title=Inheritance
a friendly penguin fucked around with this message at 03:06 on Dec 15, 2016
Magical Realism Bot: A witch is chewing gum in a golden meadow."
Conservationist
http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=4942&title=Conservationist
In^
A CAVEMAN wants to GO BACK TO A SIMPLER TIME.
# ¿ Aug 2, 2016 13:25
A roadie wants to save the world.
http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=4960&title=Benefit+Concert
I have yet to ascend so far up TD as to be a judge, so I don't owe any crits. I just chose a couple uncritiqued stories at random (seriously) and wrote my thoughts. I'm not sure if either of these posters will care anyway.
Empty Glass by Impermanent
The problem with writing about the profundity of religion is that if you don't actually say something new and interesting regarding that belief system you really should say something profound about the people doing the talking. You don't manage either.
It is something that manic people do is they get super into things to the point of being over the top interested and there are roommates who get totally sick of the bullshit, but you tell us all of that without letting us see it. You tell us Corey's manic, you tell us exactly what he does when he's manic and you tell us how John felt about it. But you don't tell us what happened at the end.
The final paragraph feels like it's from a different story entirely. We don't know what it means that Corey's car is still iced over. There are too many projections that the reader can make with that fact and none of them really show us that he deserved whatever it was.
It's an inoffensive story about young people learning about themselves and the world, but it doesn't manage anything exciting, new, gripping or emotionally connecting. And every story in order to be good needs something special. (And it feels hypocritical of me to say this because this is something I struggle with as well.)
The Turning of the Wheel by V for Vegas
I apparently have a knack for finding the Buddhist stories and perhaps I know too much to make that a good thing. Anyway…
I like the idea of a modified Buddhism wherein people unwittingly make offerings that cause them to be reborn in bodies that result in Earth shattering conflicts and internal angst and eventually self-transformation/enlightenment within a single, harrowing lifetime. However, that is a much, much longer story than this. I think this is definitely a first chapter and not a short story.
A lot happens and a lot of it is interesting, but it doesn't follow a complete story arch. Nor do we get enough character building in any of the characters or a setup of how they got here and what they were planning to do if all went accordingly. Some of your visuals are good and a bit much (crying blood) but generally they set a good scene. I feel like the dialogue is too wordy (or not wordy enough if you were going for a verbose villain).
Good set up, could go somewhere if you took the time to develop it a lot.
Oh yeah and guess I'm in.
http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=4987&title=Equilibrium
# ¿ Aug 14, 2016 18:51
Kaishai posted:
******************* ******************* ******
a friendly penguin, "February"
Huh, I'm a hack without even knowing it. I've only read King's short stuff. But now I might have to read that... though I don't need to read about sewer gangbangs. Thanks for critiquing!
Jitzu_the_monk posted:
Also, thank you, sir.
For some reason I really hate the idea that there are stories submitted to TD that haven't been critiqued. Because, honestly, if someone didn't want some feedback, there is no reason to suffer the pain of Thunderdome… unless they're just some weird person who likes pain.
Anyway, so I'll be doing critiques over a few days here for people who probably don't care. Deal with walls of text!
Round 1: Zero Year by Canadian Surf Club
While this is definitely better than Rose Wreck's story, who you were brawling against in round 1 of this week, it's still not a great story. First of all, there's not much in the way of character building and second of all, your grammar and flow go to hell when you start the action sequence. It's as if you got caught up in the excitement yourself and failed to read your sentences.
"The brute wasn't done, closing the distant and thrashing like something primal had opened up within him, his face set stern but his beady eyes open wide and wild."
Beside the distant/distance problem, the opening half of the sentence doesn't go with the second half. And your noir inspired similes don't quite sound natural. I don't believe that they're coming from the point of view of a hard bitten PI.
You were obviously limited by story length here and the amount of time you had to write it, but this story is much bigger than 840 words can hold and because of that, we get very little character growth and little explanation of exactly who is who and what they mean in relation to everyone else.
And even though all of this is critical, I think it started off really well. You've got just the right amount of cynical reflection and story progressing information to get the reader interested. Just wish you had more space to spread out.
As Gouda Title as Any by Jeza
500 words, had to be amusing and contain cheese in some way: this is a hard prompt. I must admit that I smiled at the really bad Camembert pun (I really, really like puns, even ones that don't quite qualify) but that was about it. Comedy is hard.
I can see this being funny with some visual comedy, some ironic twists to your descriptions of "man with rake" and so on, but you are working with words here. Because you don't have time to characterize any of the people in your work, they're all stock characters and you rely too much on stereotypes to be amusing. But that's not going to be too amusing with this audience. LOL, British people talk funny isn't going to take you very far.
I think with such a short word count, you needed to choose one aspect of the news story to really delve into for the humor. There's probably a ton of comedy gold in a cheese factory explosion that you didn't even touch because you went straight to interviews. It would have been better to do one thing to the point of absurdism than try to cover so many different angles: blaming a misunderstanding of the volatility of American cows vs British cows and using that to delve into the cultural differences of the people might have been interesting and amusing if done right. Not that I could do it right either, but it has potential.
Regardless, I think you tried to do too much with too few words and your story and audience suffered for it.
Coyote Country by Space Godzilla
I think it was a genius idea to write this story from the point of view of Coyote. I would never have thought that way from the prompt, but it works extremely well.
"It is I, Coyote, and it seems you've caught me. For that, I will briefly reward you with my attention."
Pure Coyote! And I love it. I think you've almost nailed Coyote's self-indulgent attitude, his pseudo-promises and his greatness. It's all very succinct and moves the story right along.
Your opening and closing paragraphs are what need work. In coyote stories there usually is a bit of an introduction, but it really only works if you know what kind of story it is ahead of time. Here though, it's almost boring to the reader. I wish you had spent a little more time with the coyotes mauling the woman. This action seems too abrupt and insignificant. Whereas it should have more meaning.
Your folk singer needed to have a little more character to her as well if you wanted her death to have an impact or to make this the "sad tale" you claim it is in your second sentence. We feel as remote from her as Coyote does and so there is no emotion associated with her death.
Your last line is no good. At least I didn't like it and think it was completely extraneous. Overall, amusing and a great idea but needs a bit more detail.
Fat Cat by Bug Bill Murray
I wouldn't take that as a damning critique because I'm fairly thick when it comes to narratives that aren't straightforward. You set a very good tone and your scene setting is great. I definitely feel as if I am in their house.
But it took me way too long to figure out that this was from the point of view of Langley and I have no idea why he acts the way he does. I did not read the Wikipedia article about the death. I only read the snippet attached to your story. And that should be all I need to get something out of the story. I'm just confused and the descriptions, though engrossing, don't grow the story. In the end, the action is very simple. So you're resting on your tone a lot.
Your last paragraph changes in tone though. That might have been intentional since the character has entered into a different state of mind, but it doesn't seem to flow naturally.
All of my comments are just disjointed observations since I can't really form a coherent understanding of your story. So take them or leave them.
Thinking Man's End by Manouverable
I think you chose the wrong person to tell this story. In this instance, the person who died was pretty passive in the whole affair. As opposed to some of the other deaths in this prompt where you have to wonder, "just what were they thinking" with this death, you're left with someone just thinking all of the usual things that one would think in this situation. Which makes for a pretty boring story.
It had the potential to be an interesting story told from Chapman's perspective as long as you did a decent job of juxtaposing his thoughts versus what was about to happen to him. Where the audience knows that he is mere minutes away from the death event, but yet all he can do is think about getting to first base or getting back to his wife. That could have worked. But because there's no indication that he is about to die (yes, we know he is from the prompt) his thoughts have no weight to them.
Had you told a similar story from the perspective of someone who survived, like the ump or the pitcher, it would have been much easier to make for an interesting narrative. Because they have the luxury of having an after and being able to look back on the occasion.
Your actual prose is fine and works with the quick changing of circumstances and split second decision making. I don't quite buy his thought pattern after getting hit in the head though. I would expect him to be way more confused, both as to what happened and why his body doesn't seem to be functioning normally. Basically, his thought pattern should change at that point rather than stay the same. Dude was just hit in the head such that he is going to die. A change would have made sense here.
The Deactivation of Robot Williams by Truman Sticks
Falls flat and predictable ending. But it's a mostly harmless story. It's also a concept that's been tried many times and therefore you have to do something different with it in order for there to be any interest.
It also only slightly addresses the prompt. In fact, if you had spent more time with the robot's account of the killing of Robert Williams and his transfer thereafter, this might have been more compelling. Because the robot seems to remember his life as a C-7000, I think the audience would be more interested in some back story of that, then spend some time on the day of the killing, then his life after transfer.
Instead what you have now is a rudimentary robot plan to go to New York for some reason. Why would a robot want to be in New York just because it's got "energy and dynamism"? I'm truly interested in that? What makes a robot crave those things moreso than routine work? Why does the robot like art so much? Delving into the preferences of robots might have led in fun directions as well, especially when comparing them to a human who did not like art.
It seems like you could have gotten more value for the words you spent but instead you told the easy story.
Captain Moonlite and the Blue Forest Dragon by Wrageowrapper
Your representation of the Australian accent is too over the top. 1920s 16-year-old playing pretend is a bit of a stretch, though I do like stories of kids just being kids. And after finishing, meh, I just don't believe it. Neither is the narrative from beyond the grave explained.
A mid-teens kid acting like he is 10 or 11, using words like eviscerated, but talking in a slang that isn't consistent. The idea is a good explanation as to why anyone would attack a cassowary with a club. You definitely didn't need 1300 words to tell this story though. There's not much conflict before the bird appears either. It's a lot of words based on pretend fighting that doesn't actually contribute to the narrative. At least in no way that I can see.
I'm sorry I don't have more to say about this, but I don't find your prose worth examining since it's in a pseudo-dialect and I don't like but don't want to judge because I am not Australian.
More crits:
How it stands there by Horrible Butts
This story sounds (at least after the first few paragraphs) as if it's trying to be poetic and have a rhythm. I can't quite pin the rhythm down though. And the images you try to elicit are at once both specific and yet unhelpful in telling the story. I'm not even sure I can tell what sort of plot this story is trying to have.
I wouldn't say that every story needs a plot, but without one it's very easy for someone to read it and ask, "what's the point?" And that is what I find myself asking with this. I don't get a clear sketch of a character or action and even the setting, though obvious, is still pretty generic.
I got lost in several places and it's not a long piece, so that takes talent. I want to like some of your sentences. I want to get lost in the sound of your story, but none of them actually work with one another. Some of them look like they might go somewhere, but when you put them all together, they don't make a cohesive whole. I think reading this out loud would have gone a long way toward helping you see this. And that works for all types of writing.
The first few paragraphs, though they aren't that great either, at least were cohesive and I thought I could count on them to carry me through the story, but unfortunately the rest of it does not match. The narrative type changes and though that might be due to the character's possible death (multiple deaths?) I'm not positive on that, so it's difficult to understand that as an argument.
The Book of Kevin by Overwined
Where do I start? I didn't like this at all. You obviously weren't going for complete biblical verbiage, but it was still jarring the first few times that you broke from it. And it's still inconsistent. None of your internal objectives are met, not even the counseling part. I don't really appreciate any of the characterization in the story and definitely didn't need to read about someone making GBS threads in a bar's bathroom in order to know more about them (especially since I don't think it works toward a particular sin).
And you miss the biggest goal of all, which was to write a fable that teaches a moral lesson. What even was it supposed to be? There is no way that this story is going to teach anyone to be virtuous. In the story or out of the story. Not only because without the word of God directly speaking to Kevin, no one's ever going to realize that God is responsible for the punishment but also because even though he's pretty far up on the heavenly totem pole, Lot's still not that pious a dude, though God seems to be okay with him.
Sometimes I get irrationally irritated at stories and then I critique far harder than is probably necessary. This is likely one of those times. Really didn't like it. The format was probably a good idea but execution was a 0.
The Crescent of Fate by Black Griffon
Well, thank you for not making me slog through 1500 words like the last guy. I actually like this better than The Book of Kevin. In less than 70 words you are already teaching people a lesson about time management. Sins come in many different forms and don't necessarily have to be done in contrast to anyone's dictates but our own. And you can tell that this submission had merit because it didn't lose, nor did it DM.
Wisdom.
Exile by HaitianDivorce
Improper use of a colon in your second sentence. "ask [for] a better companion" in 3rd paragraph. Sentences are stilted. No flow. I'm halfway (I think) through this and I have no idea where I am or how I got here (probably similar to your main character). There is already so much wrong with this. I don't think you thought this story out in its entirety. Time just disappears, food and water appear, nothing is happening physically or mentally with this character.
Lots of improper colon use. What do you think a colon is for? What is even happening? You gloss over all of the interesting parts that could possibly be in this story…
Okay, those were thoughts in the midst of reading. Now that I've finished…
Learn how to use colons! http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/colons
What is the sin? What is the lesson? What has anyone learned here?
There could have been action in this story. There could have been introspection in this story. There could have been any sort of conflict at all. But there wasn't.
Only after having read the losing story from this week can I understand why this one didn't lose. It at least made an attempt at originality.
This story is mostly frustrating because you could have taken it in so many directions. You could have developed so many different aspects. You could have told us even one piece of backstory and it would have been much better. But you didn't. It's a shell of a story.
Gravitation by Chexoid
This story is definitely more what I was expecting for the stories after reading this week's prompt, so thank you for that. Your story is charming and simply told in the way that fables are, with readers not questioning the basic premise of the story. Your set up is good. You give the reader everything they need in order to know where they are in the story. They know the players, the rules and you take it from there.
After that it's all in the execution which could have been better. Your sentences are a little clunky. You could streamline them a lot and I think that would fit the mode of this story better. You're missing apostrophes in a few places and mix up a pronoun or two. Proofreading and reading aloud will help you with these things.
Finally, your moral is spelled out in a way that makes it lose efficacy. Fables are usually pretty blunt about their point, but for some reason this seems almost too much of a lecture. I think a little more time with this and it could be a usable entry in an anthology of fables.
The Horse, the Worm and, the Sloth by Mike Works
I have questions after reading this story. Good questions like "who am I that I am nothing like Philip Rain?" and "what exactly is the relationship between the two stories sandwiched around one another?"
You set a very simple scene but yet it's bursting with meaning and works very well for your narrative. Basically everything is simple except for the concepts behind all of the simplicity. I'm still thinking through everything. I've even reread some parts and am making new connections.
I'm sorry that you didn't get more critiques at the time of your writing, especially since this received an HM. But it didn't win which means that there are ways to improve. I can only give you the few things that I can see in that vein though. There were a few typos that would be caught on another read through. And there are a few aspects of your world that might have needed to be included for it to feel whole: the possible lives of others who are like Philip Rain, a little more background in the parenthetical story, and perhaps a little more explanation of this world of grey and white.
But I really appreciate this story.
A Girl's Best Friend by monkeyboydc
Your story tries too hard to explain itself. It's almost as if you were telling your story and then the further you got along you realized that it wasn't very obvious what "sin" there was in this story so you tried to explain it with a lot of extra words rather than weaving it throughout the story in many tiny ways. And you could easily have done that too. You created another world with several interactable characters (though none of the characters have any character to them) and these interactions could and should have done the explaining.
I'm not quite lured into suspension of disbelief here. I am happy to go along with you into forests and other worlds inside of an abandoned house. I am happy for Claire to age on her journey. But for some reason I'm not willing to go so far as to believe she didn't need food and drink and to go piss. But that may just be me. And had details been different I might not have noticed that even.
I think it's good that you set up the mystery of the mysterious bird/woman at the beginning and then told the story of how it got there afterward, but your break needed something to make a connection. Initially it just felt like you started a second story. Eventually it became clear that they were related, but it was still jarring.
I also don't think that this story is relatable to modern day humans in the world in which we live. There is no lesson here that we can take with us through life. There's no didactic moment. And that's what works the least about this story.
Interprompt
Labour Day (May 1 in the civilized world) vs Labor Day (some other drat day for no good reason in the outlands)
Word limit: 300
# ¿ Sep 5, 2016 09:47
And here I thought I was going to be so fast at posting my crits, instead I'm last. Serves me right for going to work today.
If anyone wants to chat about their story and the critiques I give, hit me up with a PM or grab me over in IRC. I love learning more about people's writing processes.
Sailor Viy Left for Dead
This reads like a revenge story set in a city for the dead with ectoplasm thrown in. Although ectoplasm doesn't have to be of any importance to the story, its importance to the setting should be obvious. In this, from what I gather, you've basically correlated it to oil, at least in how it is collected, but the reader doesn't get any sense that it serves a purpose. And really, the functioning of this world should depend on your punk in some way. What does it do in the Night City? What does it do in the Day City? And actually why does it need mined at all… doesn't ectoplasm come from ghosts…?
Onto the actual story. Your sentence construction and mechanics are mostly fine (though some comma usage made me raise my eyebrow). You have a clear story arc and you use the elements that you introduce to good effect.
The problem with this story is the mechanics of a city of death being alongside a city of living and how they interplay with each other. There's a lot of interesting potential here and I think you've got a few good ideas with the medium character. However, you're inconsistent and it makes me question what I actually know about the character. You explicitly state that he couldn't die in the Night City but yet he'd rather "die again" than see someone get to paradise. If he's a medium who can go between living and dead then why can't he procure the gun himself? What possible resources could a clay servant have that Ali does not? I wish there were more time for you to go into what being a medium meant in this world since the first time Ali makes that switch it's a little jarring. And ultimately the whole revenge plot seems a little flat since we don't actually spend that much time getting to know the characters or even the departed character that he loved (dead/living love pair… interesting).
And in the end it's moot and the poor shabti are only buying time until the next attempt to kill their city.
Schneider Heim Test Flight
This is the beginning of a story. Whether it would be a good or a bad story would depend on you, but this is not a very good start. I think you know it's the start of a story because even your last line feels like it will be followed up by another sentence. There's no finality in it at all.
You've got some grammatical errors and your phrasing doesn't flow. If you're going to use "their" as the pronoun for Noa and the mech, you need to state that the first time you use it, otherwise it just comes off as an error in number agreement. But I can see where making them a plural can actually lead to some human interest in this story.
Because, as of right now there is none. I can see where if you had compared "Noa and the mech merging as one to be an ultimate fighting duo and save humanity" to "Cybernetically modified Devil Blue who is the best mech pilot for the federation because he's half mech himself and therefore isn't representative of humanity at all" then you get a blending of perspectives when they ultimate come together to understand how humans and mech combinations can actually help save the earth after all… it's not a completely formed idea for me either, but that idea is one that could connect with readers (who at this point in history are still mostly human) and make them care about what happens to Noa and Devil Blue and what this might mean for our existence.
Right now, you've got no emotion in the story, undescribed antagonists, a faceless governmental entity and actually no other humans appear to actually be saved. Needs more backstory too. A lot of issues on a basic level.
Daeres One Hundred and Twenty One Again
Half of your story is spent in exposition mode yet I don't feel like I get a sense of what this future is like at all. What about solar power means that everything in the future must be handcrafted? If anything, solar power just means that we can justify making more products via machine since we're using renewable energy without all of the hubbub about pollution and global warming, etc.
Xavier or Xaxier? You used Xavier four times. Proofreading would catch these and a few other grammatical issues.
As for your story, you waste half of your words by having nothing happen and then when something does happen, the plot is unraveled in less than 100 words. The threat was incredibly flimsy at least to a modern day human and obviously to "Rod". And if that was what you were trying to achieve, then you needed to emphasize that this future is one in which situations like this are so infrequent that humanity has lost the ability to problem solve. I'd be more interested in hearing about the process for coming out of cryogenesis since you say that there are guides and it has happened successfully many times. However, the story also makes it feel as if this might be one of the early attempts with how worried the doctor and nurse are for making sure his memory is okay and the trauma doesn't happen.
Why were he and others put into cryogenesis in the first place? How did we get to now? This might just be a personal taste thing, but for the "punk" genres, I think it works better for everyone operating in the world to be familiar with it and getting the action going early. Though with this you get to introduce a new character (and the reader) to the world, which in theory is an easy way to describe your setting pretty bluntly. But at the end of it all, I don't have a good sense of this solarpunk era.
Some Strange Flea Schrödinger's Fifth
I love how very quickly you brought me into this world and how quickly I understood it. That was storytelling perfection. I don't like the heavy handed ending though. You manage to make clear quantum cities and peoples and what that has done to societies and what can be done in societies very elegantly and with some great imagery. But in revealing what sinister uses it can also have you start to lose the beauty of prose with which you began. You had more words and I think you could have used them here instead of the blunt final sentence we get.
On the other hand, this could very easily turn into a much longer piece describing the war and the life of the lower classes of ones and twos. And it almost deserves that. I'm not entirely sure that as is it has a complete story arc and there are only the beginnings of quantum character building but it could very easily get there with more time. It's a big concept to have to stuff into less than 2000 words but your entry manages the setting extremely well and I can feel the other pieces are ready and waiting in the wings.
Flerp Black Fire
Your story took me a couple reads to appreciate. You paint a decent picture of a city of gold, with sleek cars and posh attitudes. And I can see where that would annoy someone. However, it's not really explained as to why Damien is so fed up with the city. If he was born there, it becomes harder to understand why he would be so disaffected with the place. Especially since we have no idea what sort of work he does. It might be inferred that he's a historian of sorts and perhaps he longs for things long past which could explain it. But I don't know that.
I like that Damien goes back and forth between wanting to say something or make a difference or be heard and thinking that maybe he's just an rear end in a top hat. This fact points to contemporary concerns about whether people have valid opinions and who's allowed to have them or whether they're just being contrary and how that affects society. I like that he almost loses himself in meditative absorption when he walks up to the white wall. And I'm actually kind of sad that he didn't choose to paint it white again.
You have a few typos that should have been caught on a proofread. I wish you'd spent more time normalizing the reader to what the utopian vision of this city was supposed to be since all we see is Damien's POV and a bit of Mara's who in certain ways agrees with him.
Pale Spectres Sedna
I was looking forward to mythpunk since I enjoy Catherynne Valente's work. Your story is definitely not what I was expecting, but it's not bad either. You tell a good story of hardship and primal need. You've set a beautiful and mythical scene. And after reading about the Inuit goddess Sedna I can see that influence here quite easily. I love how it's told and I love your language, but in the end, it feels more like a retelling of the myth rather than a subversion or something new.
I wish Nuliayuk had had more agency, more action, more overt choices in what was happening. I don't get much feeling at all for what she's thinking or feeling. Her interaction with the landscape and the other characters leads me to believe that she truly loves her environment but that she also wishes that nothing had changed from when they first arrived. Even some action toward restoring that hope and strength could have led your character into some good interactions.
Hostile V NO TROJAN
Don't edit your posts.
You were committed to your topic, that's for sure and I think you did a decent job of pulling off some action. I hate to see a word count that's so close to the limit because that usually indicates that you were deleting words until it fit. There were easily some places where you could have cut down, but I can also see where this story was just too big for the word count. It's a shame that you have to end it where you do. The reader can get a sense of what's going to happen, but I don't think the reader can quite believe that the plan has gone perfectly and that'll be the end of the job.
This is a gritty punk world which is something that I've been wanting more of in the stories so far, so thank you for that. You spent too many words on setting your scene though. The bit with the digital camera should have been nixed. You can convey their hopes in other ways.
It's not an elegantly told story and it doesn't have to be, nor should it be, given that this world is not one of cleanliness. However, sometimes it sounds as if you're trying to use more descriptive and beautifully flowy language. And it just doesn't fit. With some serious tweaking, I can see this developing into a hardcore, action, Mad Max style story.
Ironic Twist Ghosts in a Churchyard
There is so much I don't understand about this story. I feel like I'm on the edges of it though. As soon as I start to get a handle on what's going on in a particular scene though, you add another element to ponder. Your opening paragraph is phenomenal. It did take a couple of read-throughs but it sets a very good scene. And though I comprehend what's happening in the rest of the story, none of it coalesces into understanding.
I don't get what's between Kane and Quinn. I'm certain it has to do with the Kings and Queens of chess. I don't quite get the dynamic of what happens between black and white territories but there's obviously danger when you're in enemy territory.
You had an idea of where you were going, I just wish it were clearer from my side. Sentence construction and grammar are all good.
Entenzahn Carter's Lucky Streak
This is fun and you your concept works. But your execution is slightly off. It has to do with your analogies and imagery. It either sounds almost cliché or it's really specific. I never know whether you're being sincere with them or trying to get a smile from the reader. All-you-can-eat buffet articles is one. Articles is an odd choice of noun.
Your story is pretty generic casino boss out to protect his interests. I would have liked to see a different approach in Nu Vegas. Otherwise it's just like regular Vegas. You definitely made the dice a part of everyday reality with its inclusion for getting bus fare and groceries, but then the rest of the story is about regular old gambling.
You have a few typos in your story. And for some reason I just keep imagining the purple suit on your avatar of Darkwing Duck.
Boaz-Jachim How I Got My Dad To Stop Worrying And Love Tolerate Rugby
It reminds me of a story that you could tell now on Family TV except instead of prosthetic legs, they're animal, what a weird twist! Not really. I don't like the part about shaving her legs. I think shaving bison legs would not help make her legs indistinguishable from human legs. Do bison legs even have ankles?
Were the gene splices optional? It seems like there are options at least when dad's talking about what he could have done to make her be normal. But I'm of the opinion that if gene splicing isn't already normal/pervasive then it's not really punk. It's just new tech sci-fi.
There are just a lot of little things that I don't think work for the story more than any plot problems or anything. Needed more thought.
Cut of Your Jib Playthings Outgrown
Filled with action, charming, a bit too convoluted for the word count but pretty satisfying. This is the perfect beginning to a YA novel that could easily sell in the current market. I am basing this on all of the teen lit that I've seen rolling through.
On a second reading I like it even more. Your first paragraph scene section is wonderful. It's filled with action and imagery and the perfect setup. I think the only reason this didn't win is it's clearly the first chapter of a novel. There's just way too much to explore here. It's both wonderful but also disappointing because there's no clear satisfaction in that last line.
CaligulaKangaroo BlazinTrees.exe
I chose this for the loss. After my first reading I was incredibly confused. Nothing was clear and I was lost. After a second read through I understand what happened much better, but I still don't understand why. Your shifts from VR to real life to AR are unclear. Changes happen abruptly and the reader is never given a chance to settle into any of them before there's more to take in. Grammar errors.
There's definitely a change in behavior of your main character going from an indifferent dude just trying to get by however he can to someone who decides to take a stand in this movement that he knows nothing about even after burning down a library. Does he do it because he believes in the cause or because he wants to have a social group? I sure don't know. The cause appears to be ego death. But is it for everyone? Is it only for the uppers and not the lowers?
You needed to answer a lot of basic questions about your setting and protagonist and plot before writing this story. Instead the reader has little faith that there's anything behind the cardboard cutouts you set up as your backdrop and characters.
Sitting Here Of the River
This is a good story. Interactions between characters feel right. Pacing is right. Your idea is great. The character growth is subtle but noticeable. Her motivation is there. The father's actions are consistent. This story had so much in it that appealed to me as an individual. But unfortunately there were simple things that kept it from being perfect.
Similar to Thranguy, I was also taken out of the story by some of your word choices. They just didn't seem to fit. Like masticate. I also thought there was a huge leap between the River's description of the Internet and Morgan making that connection immediately. It's possible Morgan was catching extra vibes since she is of the special clan, but from a reader's perspective, there needed to be at least a little puzzling out of the meaning of a river that flows between the domiciles of men. It doesn't have to go on for long, but at least a "Morgan thought for a moment about those words…" or something of that nature.
Also, naming her Morgan is a bit too on the money for Irish mythology in my book. But that was a personal roll eyes and nothing that docked your points or anything. I would like to read this as a longer work since I definitely wants to know what happens when the elves start coming out of the woodwork.
Quo Pro Quid Hard-boiled Intern Fiction
By virtue of your punk you are locked into a world of perpetual ephemera. And even as much as your references and the actions of your characters make me cringe for humanity, I don't think you take it far enough. If Cassy had really been a Republican from now she would have denied Michael's evidence whole hog, clinging even tighter to her contrary beliefs. But she's clearly not actually a Republican.
During my first read I had assumed that they were college students, but upon reread it seems that they're high school students or at least recently graduated. I find that pretty unbelievable for many of their actions and opinions. Neither of them are particularly likable characters but perhaps that is nowest of all the nows in this story.
If Cassy isn't a diehard Republican believer, then it especially doesn't make sense that she would feel like she deserved revenge for the betrayal, making the ending not natural to the character. But from your early descriptions it sounds as if she's just in it for the recommendation but then again she went to political functions but again also took her known liberal boyfriend. Basically your main character comes across as inconsistent which doesn't do much for the story even if we are all political hypocrites in tyool 2016.
Chili Plain White Brain
This could have gone so many other and better places. I can't help but think that a more satisfying ending to this would be that Dewey became so rich that he started purchasing dreams from the same company that he was selling them to making it all one ironic circle making the company rich.
I had to read this out loud in order to get a sense of the flow since it wasn't sounding right in my head. This didn't help. All of the dialogues comes off as unnatural and without emotion. And it's the same with most of the story. It's all cursory. There's no depth to the world. I think if you had fleshed out the world more in your head at the beginning, it could have added to it overall even if you didn't include all of the details in the story.
I just don't get a sense that there's been more thought to this than what I'm seeing in the actual story. I'd like to know a bit more about why he has to take meds to keep his brain from deteriorating or that Dewey actually missed his special dreams sometimes. I like the detail about hugs at Imagicorp, that was good, but it needs to have support for something as quirky as that. Chase after the quirky. See where that takes you.
Karia Mushrooms in London
You clearly have a story here, too much story. You have all of the details worked out which is good, but you include them all, awkwardly, in your story, which is bad. Your story ends where it might actually get interesting. Almost all of your story is prelude. And the psilocybins could go places but instead it's just "LOL drugs" and that's the punchline. It might be more interesting to see what happens if you grow a different type of mushrooms or even if the effects of these new mushrooms on people effect the amount of glucose that they need to operate or if planting them amidst other crops leads to improved growing and therefore ups production in London. Anything's possible!
Though your first three paragraphs are incredibly tedious as the other two judges have said, I think they could have worked if you gave them more of a voice. I can easily see describing the picturesque landscapes of California and then bluntly crash landing the reader into the dingy back alleys of London instead. It could work.
I think you needed to take a step back from this. But it's hard to do in less than a week. But it might be interesting for you to come back to this.
The Saddest Rhino The Legend of Makoa Kalawai'a, Daughter of the Ocean, She of Oahu
Love this. It's the perfect blend of myth, grungy future tech, and creativity. It suffers a little for the Lovecraftian adjectives since I think you were doing a good enough job of describing the horror that is the Brits without them and it definitely didn't fit in with the storytelling tone that you began with. But it ticked off all of my boxes. It's more of wish I had gotten with mythpunk. Definitely my choice for the win because it flowed well, it was clear from the first and I wanted to know what happened. There could probably be more developed in the mother-daughter relationship and more character growth (perhaps just a hint of humility after the lightning strike before the ultimate triumph) but these are minor quibbles. Thank you for this story.
Llamaguchi Stream of Consciousness
Good atmosphere. I was right there in the room, feeling the bass of the music with your words. Good setup with just enough detail outside the present situation. But where does it go? What's the reason for all of it? I don't really understand the backstory, why he invites her for an interview, who he is, what precisely is going on and what's about to happen. This might have a lot to do with the fact that I know very little about music production and the scene and all of that.
But I want to know what's going on here. I like the idea of music death being an epidemic. I am intrigued by the emergence of someone from an older musical generation leading this revolution but it's all lost on me as an outsider. But then again the interviewer seems like an outsider too, Cardinal Cain (and I'm sure this name should mean something) even calls her such. I wanted so much to understand because you made it feel cool to do so. But I'm afraid I just didn't.
SurreptitiousMuffin 四君子 - salt, shore, sea, stone
I don't think I understood what was meant by Cantopunk initially because this was unexpected. Canto, to me means a portion of a poem or a song but this is Cantonese, I think. Unless it's both and this is also a section of a larger piece which would be amazing but difficult to convey in a 2000 word short story. I would be interested to hear if this was your intention.
As it is, I found the story compelling which is always what I look for in my first read through and in my second I try to narrow down what worked and what didn't work. All of this worked, but at the same time I'm left feeling about as passive as Chen. And I think that's the problem. Your main character doesn't have much action to contribute, her POV is mainly that of knowing the place and time, what came before and what should be. And that is perfect to help the reader into the world. It also allows you to allude to the possibilities of what may happen after this scene.
But unfortunately this scene is what we get and it didn't allow her to be fully present in a way that truly grips the reader.
Bad Seafood The Bottle
I didn't like this. It seemed like it was going for some Oliver Twist grungy charm, but all I got was creepy stranger vibe. We don't get to know Kirklund at all. And though there should be some mystery to a man who falls through a ceiling, Sasha is given no reason to trust him or shelter him or even pay him any attention, but she does anyway. If life is so dire for war orphans, it makes little sense to trust a complete stranger. Even if that reason is he makes her laugh or promises her a world free of monotony. Something.
I can see your world but it's just a backdrop. And tends more toward what I know of steampunk with little to differentiate it as diesel. You have several typos and this
"Tis a sad man what keeps his medicine under lock and key. A good drink's meant to be shared in good company, or don't ya agree?"
Bothered me from the beginning. Alcohol can be compared to many things but referring to it as medicine and as a social beverage in the same breath just reads wrong. Kirklund's whole manner of speaking isn't completely consistent either. And with only two other characters to compare him to, he seems like a clown or a jester to me rather than a street wise cockney or whatever.
The ending is too simple and the number of questions as to what comes after are too great to make this satisfying.
Opera in Africa to help the most underserved.
A Time to Sing, a Time to Talk, a Time to Dance
Zarzuela/Morocco
http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=5048&title=A+Time+to+Sing%2C+a+Time+to+Talk%2C+a+Time+to+Dance
# ¿ Sep 11, 2016 23:51
In with Appalachian Gothic and flash rule #1.
Above and Below
Appalachian Gothic, Flash Rule 1
http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=5121&title=Above+and+Below
Passenger Pigeons
Wordcount: 236
http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=5201
In case anyone wants proof.
a friendly penguin fucked around with this message at 11:42 on Jan 4, 2017