Loss of a Love Relationship
Grief Healing Blog
Specific Bereavement
Ex bf left me 7 months after my mum died. I am still heartbroken. would appreciate some kind words thank you
By sbm1111, July 23, 2018 in Loss of a Love Relationship
sbm1111
My boyfriend of two years ended it three months ago as he said he didn't feel the same anymore, something was missing and I got the I love you im just not in love with you. We had a great relationship before that. We were best friends and were very close. We spent a lot of time together went everywhere together talked numerous times a day. I was even very close to his family and stayed with them 3-5 nights a week. But he has left me in a world of pain.
My mum died last September, I was very close to her. A month later I discovered I was pregnant (not planned). I was so happy it felt so right and I felt like it was a gift from my mum. But my bf didn't want the baby as he felt we were not ready both emotionally financially etc. He coerced me into terminating. I told him I didn't want to but he said I would become a single mother if I didn't as he couldn't be in a relationship with me if I pursued. At the time, I lived with my dad and didn't get on very well with him. My bf and his family were my greatest support, I stayed at their house 4-5 nights per week and I felt part of their family I was that close to them. We made a deal and he promised me we would start a family in three years when we were more financially stable, that he would never leave me and would spend his life making it up to me. Four months later he walks away and says "he meant it at the time but his feelings changed". I feel that is not good enough as I made a life changing decision based on those terms only. He said he would leave me if I didn't have one but left me anyway.
After the termination things were ok again. When we were good we were perfect we were so in sync with each other and so happy (genuinely). Yes we did have arguments, even more so towards the end, as my emotions were all over the place. We had a large argument in March where I became really upset as it was 6 months since my mum passed. I became so emotional I called him excessively when he was out with his friends and text him persistently accusing him of not caring as he didn't answer when I rang. We were ok in the weeks after that argument. We went away, carried on as normal and even made summer plans and I started counselling. When we broke up (4 weeks after the argument) he said he didn't feel the same since that argument and for the space of two weeks his feelings changed he something felt missing. Of course he didn't want to try work on things so left.
We went NC then spoke 4-6 weeks later. He told me he cares a lot for me and I mean a lot to him, he missed the things unique to us but "not enough" to try again. We had a catch up and he told me how busy he was. The final straw for me was when he told me he was going on holidays with his new work friends - two girls two boys, the week the baby was due (6 weeks post BU) which was also a week we had planned to go away. This really cut me up as I feel it was so insensitive to both me and the baby and it felt like he was throwing everything back in my face after all i done for him. We also had talked about moving in together this September and he has told me he is moving to the town we had planned to in September and moving in with one of his new work friends.
Please don't say forget and move on as I am trying so hard to but its not easy as I am dealing with other losses too and my mums anniversary is coming up soon also. I am spending more time with my family and friends when I can. I am at the stage where I am letting go, I have no desire to contact him and TBH don't know if I even want to speak to him again as he has hurt me so much. I feel almost afraid to speak to him after all the hurt he has caused me.
I miss my mum so much and I know she would not like him now if she was here. I have no one else to confide in hence why I am here. Am I right to not want to speak to him again? How would you feel if you were in my shoes? Am I right to be angry and hurt after the way he has treated me between leaving me post ab and then the holiday? Thanks in advance.
Hi SBM,
Let me just start by saying, I am so sorry for all your hardship and such tremendous losses in a short period of time.
To answer your questions: You are absolutely right to not want to speak to him! I don't mean to be of offense, but he sounds like an awful, insensitive and irresponsible person. You are absolutely allowed to be angry! I would be upset for you if you weren't angry. Telling you you'd be a single mother if you kept your baby?! WHO DOES THAT?! You dodged a bullet, seriously. At the very least, be glad he spared you the terrible fate of being with him any longer and trying to raise a family with someone so awful. His true colors would've shown eventually.
It seems as though he was careless to your grief, the pain he caused you with forcing you to terminate and his overall behavior towards you in general. This is just my opinion as I have been in a similar situation with a past boyfriend (minus the pregnancy), but it seems like he didn't have any real regard for your feelings or you as a person, and was acting purely out of selfishness and meeting his own needs, while keeping you hanging on and around for his convenience, especially in the end. He put you in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation and that is not fair at all. While I understand his reasoning that he wanted to wait a few more years to have kids, in this specific situation, it was a cop out and an excuse to make you do what he wanted. As it seems as though he probably would've left anyway, unexpected pregnancy or not. He seems wishy-washy, confused and like he didn't value your relationship much and already had one foot out the door. As you said, you made a life altering and traumatic decision, and he still left anyway. You deserve better.
The part about all of this that makes me angry: He made a baby with you and then acted like it was your fault/problem and that it was your responsibility to deal with by yourself if you didn't do as he said?! UGH. Again, I don't mean to be offensive, but he sounds like the worst type of person imaginable. I don't even have the words to describe how vile. I had a friend go through this situation and it was soul crushing for her. He tried to force her to abort, She ended up having the baby, only to have it's "father" say awful things about her, treat her like garbage, treat their child like garbage, and blame her for ruining his life because he was forced to pay support after refusing to ever be a part of the child's life.
He may have said all those pretty words to you in the beginning, and maybe he did mean them at the time, but it sounds to me like he never really meant anything he said to you. And, I am so sorry he has done this to you. If he's telling you you're not enough for him, HE'S NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU AND NOT WORTH YOUR TIME.
It's great that you're making progress and starting to let go of him, I would advise to not contact him at all as it could bring you back to square one. It is normal to be hurt, angry and outraged over his treatment of you. No one deserves to be treated with such callous disregard, EVER. His manipulating you into terminating, citing that "he can't be with you/you'd be a single mother" is nothing short of abuse. That is emotional abuse. Might I suggest seeking counselor or therapist if you are able, as it may help you to better sort out your feelings and gain some clarity.
--Rae
kayc
Interests:I lead a grief support group and I enjoy volunteering in my church (Treasurer & on Praise Team, choir) and the senior site, where I do the bingo prizes. I love stamping, hiking, nature, singing. I am a retired Office Mgr./Bkpr.
Oh Hon, I am so sorry! What a lout to put you into this situation and abandon you in it! I'm so sorry! I would never have anything to do with him again! I can't even say here what I think about him!
I agree 100% with what Rae said! She took the words out of my mouth! I also advice NO CONTACT as any contact will stir up feelings and prohibit your healing process. It is just that, a process, so saying "move on" is not appropriate. You will do so when you are ready, this is all a process.
Counseling would be of help to you in sorting out your feelings and knowing what to do with them, where to begin to proceed. Meanwhile, you're welcome to continue coming here, we'll be here, we want to help you if we can.
MartyT
Grief Counselor
3 hours ago, Rae1991 said:
I couldn't agree more, and I hope you will take Rae's wise words to heart, along with Kay's.
23 hours ago, sbm1111 said:
Please don't say forget and move on
We would never say these words to you, my dear. This is an important part of your life story, and there are big lessons to be learned ~ so no, do not forget all that has happened to you, and consider what you can learn from all of this. As for "moving on," we don't believe in "moving on" or "letting go." We find ways to endure the pain of loss (regardless of the cause) and eventually discover that the pain diminishes over time ~ but the scars remain and serve to remind us what we've gone through. And you need not "let go" of your mother, either. The love you shared will be with you forever, as long as you keep your memories of her alive in your heart. You are a part of her, just as she is a part of you. That will never change.
For many women, terminating a pregnancy is for them a traumatic loss, and it may interest you to know that there are resources available to support you in that loss. Here are just a few:
After Abortion: Information, Healing, Research, Testimonies
After Abortion: Rachel's Vineyard Ministries
After Abortion: Help for Post Abortion Stress Syndrome (PASS)
Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief book by Joanne Cacciatore
thank you all for your kind words of understanding. I am finding life so hard at the moment. My mums first anniversary is in 6 weeks and there are memories of her care from this time last year popping into my head all the time. I feel so alone as I have no one to confide these in or share them with, I would have done with my ex. Although, as a nurse I see people die in hospital every day one thing I am so proud of is we brought her home which was her wish. It is also very hard as my ex was my rock at this time he was so good at the time of the funeral and he and his family looked after me so well. this year I am alone.
My ex and I met 6 weeks after the break up but didnt go that well. I started crying as I became so upset when he told me he was going on holidays with other girls the week the baby was due and the week we had planned to go away. Also I became emotional over the baby too and in the end he just left told me he didnt know if he wanted to be friends or not but he would text me late july to "catch up". He kept his word but didn't have a catch up. He just said how are you hope your well, I replied being polite and positive he responded I responded but he didnt continue. I haven't heard from him since. This hurt me again as he promised me we would catch up but that wasn't a catch up he clearly just messaged to keep his word and make himself feel better.
lately I have been missing him so much. we should be planning on moving in together now instead he is moving in with one of his new friends to the place we said we would move to. He has hurt me so much there is no denying that. I appreciate his feelings changed but I feel so let down as it wasn't a normal relationship given we had been through so much in the previous few months and I feel like he should have spoke to me and given the relationship a chance instead of just pulling the plug and moving on so fast, within weeks.
he has no idea the pain I am in or the pain he has left me in. He may reach out for my mums anniversary but i dont intend on replying anymore as I always seem to get hurt and he always feels like he done a good deed. Part of me does hope he comes back because we did have a good relationship when we were good, we spent a lot of time together had a lot of fun and we were best friends he always said that. I do believe he loved me throughout the relationship I am confident he did. Given all we had been through and the way he feels now, based on your life experience is there any possibility in the future he may come back?
I don't have experience with losing a parent, but I do have experience with losing a grandparent who was basically a father, and a best friend to suicide. The anniversaries of their deaths even 7 years later still bring back memories and some tears. Do what feels comfortable, cry, talk with relatives, do something that you know they'd love, visit their grave, etc. But do consider visiting a grief counselor if you are unable to manage or things start to feel as they did during the first few weeks post-death.
As far as your ex goes, I am going to say this as kindly as I possibly can: YOU DON'T WANT SOMEONE LIKE THAT BACK. DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. YOU DESERVE BETTER. YOU WILL FIND BETTER. I say this as a person who was in the same situation as you, was promised the world and was madly in love with a guy who never intended to deliver on his promises or keep his words. These are NOT the kind of people you want to be with. I understand you love him and are reminiscing, missing him and his support, but he still left you at your weakest after manipulating you into making a potentially life-altering decision against your will and even still promising he wouldn't walk out; but he still left. Why would you want to be with someone like that? If he did it once, he will do it again.
You said yourself you felt he contacted you out of nothing more than to make himself feel better, not because he actually cares about you. It was simply his way of absolving himself of guilt or wrongdoing. This is absolutely correct. And, as hard as it is to hear: it is because he doesn't care for or respect you. Just based on your initial post, he probably let go of/moved on from your relationship long before he actually broke up with you. Both of my long-term exes did this to me too, and I refused to accept it. Until it became so obvious I couldn't deny it anymore and it was devastating. And that's the only reason I'm saying this: YOU DESERVE BETTER. You are selling yourself short thinking a guy who treats you with such blatant disrespect is the best you can get just because your relationship had some good times. Hint: all relationships have "good times" but that does not mean you should allow yourself to tolerate blatant disrespect and emotional abuse/manipulation for the sake of those "good times." That is not what love is.
I understand you still have feelings and that you love him. But, WHO LOVES YOU? It clearly isn't him. You deserve someone who is going to love you on your worst and best days, not when "everything is good." Life happens, death happens, hardship happens, and if he isn't willing to stick by your side the way you would for him, he doesn't deserve you. Relationships are not 50/50 once in a while, they are 100/100 or nothing at all. Considering all the undeserved hardship, strife and stress he put on you because of his inability to be honest with you or take responsibility for his actions, this completely outweighs any "good times" you once had. Relish the memories, and be grateful you felt the love, but understand you need to do what's best for YOURSELF and walk away.
I would strongly suggest going fully NC by blocking his number and social media, as you said all you get is hurt every time he contacts you, and you feel he is doing it as a "good deed" to make himself feel better. His breaking up with you released him and you of any further obligation to each other. And obviously, that was his intention and has been for some time considering his "you'll be a single mother if you don't do what I want" comments. That statement alone should've been enough to understand that he doesn't care for you the way he claimed and no longer wanted a future with you. This was him looking out for his own best interests, not yours or your relationship. He just seems like a selfish, flaky and inconsiderate person.
He probably did mean what he said to you early in the relationship and he could still care about you, but people change like the weather and their feelings change too. You need to take his words at face value, you said in your OP that he said to you "I love you, but I am NOT in love with you," there is no deeper hidden meaning here, he does not want to continue the relationship, end of story. You cannot rely on his words while ignoring his actions and pattern of behavior. His actions and behavior also indicate that he no longer wants to be with you. You may still be reeling from the termination, arguments and break-up but they don't seem as though they are of any bother to him. I am sorry things ended this way for you and that your ex is being so insensitive. But, he did break up with you, therefore releasing himself of any further obligation to you and you to him. You need to accept this and continue in your process of healing and moving forward with your own life. The statement holds true that "you can tell more about the true character of a person by how they end a relationship rather than how they begin one."
Walking away from someone is a process, you don't just "move on." You need to take some time, whether it be a few months or a year and deal with your feelings, confront yourself, and accept your role in the relationship that contributed to both the good, the bad and the break-up. Now, I am not saying that his poor treatment and callous disregard of your feelings is your fault, because it is not. What I am saying is that you need to do some thinking and soul searching about why you want a person like that to come back and why you'd still want to be with a person like that. You seem relatively young (I'm 27), a guy like that is not worth wasting your life on, especially if he's already broken your heart, disrespected and left you at your weakest to fend for yourself when he said he'd be there for you. You will have better times with other people, you will find better love and relationships elsewhere. Please, do not stay stuck running in a circle pining over someone who let go of you and made it clear they don't care about you, want you, or have your best interests in mind. You deserve someone who wants you, and this guy obviously doesn't.
https://youtu.be/P3fIZuW9P_M
https://youtu.be/jmUayKnHWWM
These two videos helped me gain some perspective when I was going through my last break-up 2.5 years ago. My last break-up was quite similar to yours (minus the pregnancy) and I felt abandoned, lost, unworthy of love and like I'd never find anything better. Things do get better, they just take time. You will heal, and you will let go. But it has to be an active decision on your part too, or you'll just keep replaying old memories and get stuck running in circles.
Please consider seeing a counselor, while they may not have the answers you seek, they will help you cope and steer you to a path that could lead you to a better place.
https://youtu.be/3TdYkNsnis8
This is a more recent video I've come across, but I feel like it could be of help for you to understand what I'm saying in regards to you hoping he'll come back because you still love him.
On 8/3/2018 at 10:49 AM, sbm1111 said:
i dont intend on replying anymore as I always seem to get hurt and he always feels like he done a good deed.
I would go "no contact" for these reasons, protect yourself.
Given all we had been through and the way he feels now, based on your life experience is there any possibility in the future he may come back?
I would dismiss any such thoughts and work on getting over him. Just me, but I've been through a lot in my life and my experiences have taught me to be wary of people like him, not hoping for more of the same and work on getting over him. He's not worth your thoughts, I'm serious!
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time...anv of death is hard to get through, you're particularly vulnerable right now. Try spending time with friends and if you don't have any, work on building friendships, You deserve better.
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/05/coping-with-anniversary-reactions-in.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/06/in-grief-dreading-anniversary-date-of.html
Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I agree with what you have said and sometimes that feeling of missing him overshadows the way he treated me in the end. Its been 3 months now and I am still very hurt over it all. Is this normal? I dont plan on communicating with him anymore, I am trying to build my self worth back. I deserve better than a text here and there to feed someones ego and altruistic needs. Its all or nothing. I miss my mum so much as she would have helped me immensely through this. Maybe thats why its taking me so long to get over this.
Yes we had great times and I was so close to his family, but he did leave me when I needed him most. I dont always get on with my dad and a half hour before he ended it I cried as I didnt want to go home to the way things were and told me how grateful i was to have him and his family. I told him everyday I seen him how much i missed my mum. And I was also devastated that particular weekend as my best friend had moved to a different country only 5 days beforehand. He ripped my whole support network from under me. one thing I have learned is that he puts himself first no matter what.
I sacrificed my baby and potentially a future baby for him because he promised me a future together. He point blank coerced and threatened to leave me if I didnt terminate. Only 2 months after my mum died. Both mum and I were very spiritual and I firmly believed that baby was a gift from my mum as she knew how much I always wanted a baby and always feared I would never get pregnant. I wanted to midwifery in college but was so afraid i would never have my own that I chose nursing instead. Of course he knew this and I voiced my concerns about a surgical termination over medical but it didnt matter. I said it was my choice but he kept sating it was his baby too and what about what he wanted. At the clinic i cried and cried and begged him but he kept his head down. After the procedure i nearly had to go to hospital as i passed out and my blood pressure dropped very low. but i suppose he has all that forgotten now since he doesnt even acknowledge me. I had a feeling it was a girl and wanted to name her after my mum.
What hurt me so much was the week the baby was due he went on a one week sun holiday with two girls and one male friend. he never mentioned these friends during the relationship which one would assume he would if he is that close to them to go on a sun holiday with them. this happened only 6 weeks post breakup. we never even went on a sun holiday together. This really hurt because 1) it showed me his ability to move on so quickly and completely brush everything we had built and everything we had under the carpet just like that, like it never mattered, thus demonstrating my worth to him and how much he cared and 2) i felt it a complete lack of respect to do that to me that one week after all i done for him, I found it highly disrespectful to our baby also. He knew how much I was hurting and I feel like he made a mockery of me the situation. He clearly didnt care for me or baby. When he told me about the holiday he said he knew it would hurt me but what could he do.. he wanted a holiday and this was the only week his friends could go and they wanted to go that week. again the common denominator of he wanted a holiday.
yes i miss him and his family so much. his parents were so good to me but then again none of them have reached out to me either. Sometimes i feel like its my heart that misses him and lets me get carried away pining for but my head that reminds me of what he has done. He also left me only 7 months after my mum had passed and even said he can not offer me emotional support that i need to deal with that. I feel like i went through that big part of me life with him and shared that special time with him but again he has ruined it in a sense as he has left with a part of her. only the harshest of people could walk away and leave a girl on her own with no support after the highly traumatic experience i went through all in the space of 7 months. I really hope he realises one day the hurt and pain he left me in.
I pray for the day that you will no longer care whatever this guy thinks or feels. What really matters here, my dear, is that YOU realize the hurt and pain he left you in. And whenever your heart starts to take over what you know to be true in your head, read once again what you have posted here. Rejoice that you are rid of him.
Be glad you rid yourself of him. You said you are a nurse and/or in school to be one? Try focusing your time into your work and building relationships with your colleagues. I'm sure the hospital you work in or the school you go to has grief support groups, or has the resources to find you one.
Yes, 3 months isn't too long and it's normal, considering the other experiences you're also dealing with. I think you are correct that your need for support is what's making your heart long for him and miss him. The first year post-death is always the hardest, I think.
My counselor explained to me, and I now believe this to be true, that grief does not go away, it just changes. (This is an example not an expected timeline or outline): At first think of grief as an over packed suitcase you're struggling to carry/push through the airport, after a few more attempts you downgrade to a manageable suitcase, then you unpack more so you're down to a carry-on suitcase, then eventually just a backpack, then just a shoulder bag, then a small wallet, and then it becomes the size of a credit card you just carry around in your back pocket. It doesn't ever go away, and you will change with time, but so will the grief, and eventually it will just be something you always carry in your pocket. Some 7 years later for me, this still rings true.
To answer your question of whether or not he will every truly be sorry, understanding or apologetic for the pain he caused you, there is no answer. We like to assume karma, regret or guilt will eventually get to the other person and they'll apologize or show remorse, but this is not always true. Some 2.5 years later, my ex still has not contacted me, apologized for how badly he treated me, or offered any sort of explanation for his callous behavior. Truthfully, I don't expect him to or believe he was ever or will ever be sorry for it. And even if he was and offered an explanation/apology, it wouldn't make a difference anymore because I've moved forward and frankly don't care to hear anything he'd want to say to me. As I feel it'd be more about making himself feel better than actual remorse. He turned himself into a ghost, and I expect ghosts to stay dead. My ex-fiance after 7 years together cheated on me, lied about it for months and then left me for the girl. Some 5 years later in 2017, he contacted me asking to meet up when I was in town, I agreed. We went out for dinner and he explained how deeply sorry he was for cheating, treating me like I was nothing and wondered if I'd be open to reconciling. He explained that the girl he cheated on me with left him after 3 years for someone else, and that's how he finally understood how deep, badly hurt and the damage he had done to me. By then it no longer mattered to me, as I had moved on and did not care to hear his apologies or sob stories. Not long before this I had moved and gotten a better job, so I had zero interest in going backwards in time. I felt as though he was apologizing to make himself feel better, and that's why I didn't want to hear any of it. We are friends on FB now, but that's all we'll ever be again.
Your exes lack of empathy toward you shows that he probably moved on well before he broke up with you, but decided to be a coward and wait until the last minute to actually tell you.
He did not rob you of anything but a future full of misery being in a relationship with such a crappy, selfish and flaky person. You are now free to build your life in any way you see fit, going back to him would only spoil that. He is only contacting you to try and poke at you to see if you'll react, and to boost his own ego/reaffirm his decision to break-up. Do not give him the satisfaction of a reply. If you have an iPhone, disable "read" receipts and just read then delete, or better yet, just block him. You are right in that he made a mockery of your situation by acting as though he is unaffected, but that just shows his lack of care/respect for you. He is a coward, plain and simple.
It's not that he couldn't offer you support, he just didn't want to. And you don't need people like that who flake and run at the first sign of an issue. He also may not have been emotionally equipped himself to deal with it all either, and that's probably a huge reason he flaked. Because he felt too much pressure was being placed on him for support when he had no idea what to do and probably "didn't want to deal with it." It's a common reaction to traumatic experiences and/or death. It's like when your friends offer you empty words of reassurance like "I'll be here if you wanna talk/Sorry for your loss" just to fill the silence, but when you really need them, they disappear. Loss is an individual experience, but it doesn't have to be a lonely one. Even though it feels quite lonely. Unfortunately though, a lot of people don't know how to comfort others, especially when they haven't lost anyone close. So while they mean well in their words, chances are it's just words they're offering, so it's pretty counterproductive.
Try and focus on rebuilding your self esteem, your career, finding friends and support while also working to move somewhere else in the future, like a flat by yourself or with some roommates. Don't make any sudden drastic changes, but DO work on fostering your own self-reliance, independence and creating a better life for yourself without him.
but my head that reminds me of what he has done.
And keep reminding yourself of that when you miss him. When all is said and done, that trumps whatever he did beforehand.
Try to focus on YOU, on building YOUR life back, on taking classes, going to the gym, building friendships, taking up a hobby, anything positive for YOU. He's not worth your thoughts. I'm sorry you've been going through this, I know how it hurts...three of four months isn't a long time getting over someone, it can take quite a while, but should start diminishing little by little, everyone is different in their recovery period but the more you put up the hand to those thoughts, the more resilient you'll be.
I agree with the other responses here.
thank you all once again. it is great knowing i have the support of this page to voice how i feel because i cannot confide in other i feel the burden building up sometimes. I feel He manipulated me at the lowest point in my life at a time of great grief. He was the person closest to me and only he knew the pain I went through with my mum and how happy the baby made me. He also knew how happy him and his family made me yet he threatened to remove all that if I didn't obey by his commands. He was and is selfish. Only now I see how he manipulated me to get what he wanted and get free. What's worse is he made a commitment a promise a vow to stick by me and try for a family in a few years. But he left only four months after, didn't even tell me how he was feeling or even attempt to try save the relationship only put himself and his needs first. He didn't care then he doesn't care now. If he cared he wouldn't have manipulated me nor would he have given up so quickly and cut me off so abruptly. If he cared the sacrifice he made would have meant something to him now despite his loss of feelings. And I feel him going on a holiday with another girl the one week of the whole summer that baby was due was just cruelty and really makes a statement of how he feels and the type of person he is.
I feel he used my weak points at a time of immense grief to get what he wanted and it makes me sick. I wasn't thinking straight and was blindsided by a person I trusted and loved he abused that. It's only now I see this. And I honestly don't want to speak to him again. If he ever texts again I will not be replying. I don't think I could ever speak to him never mind get back with him after all this
13 minutes ago, sbm1111 said:
I feel he used my weak points at a time of immense grief to get what he wanted and it makes me sick.
Good for you, my dear, for seeing the light. One day you will be ready to let go of all this, including how awful you are feeling as a result of his abuse. For now, just remember that no one has control over you but you, including this guy. You are in control of you, and no one can make you feel anything without your consent. ❤️
You need to let go of the idea that he has any obligation to you or your feelings. He also is not obligated to feel anything about the break-up, or express his feelings if he does. As I said before, he probably let go of your relationship/began to move on before he actually broke up with you. While it may hurt you that he left on holiday with friends when it was your due date, he was not forcing you to have feelings about it and honestly, probably wasn't bothered by it at all. As Marty said, no one can make you feel anything without your consent. What is significant, hurtful and/or meaningful to you, may not mean anything to him. You're still giving him power/control over you and your feelings, stop allowing him to do that. He doesn't deserve it. I am not saying you aren't allowed to feel as you do. Simply saying: stop expecting him to react or care about something just because you do, and then getting sad/upset when he doesn't react the way you want him to. You can't control how other people handle/express their feelings; you only have control over yourself and you're still giving away that control then getting upset when it doesn't go your way.
However, it's great to see that you're finally realizing that he didn't have your best interests in mind.
As far as his words go. I'm going to suggest something quite raw: They are just words. Words are empty air without action to back them up. You need to let go of the notion that his empty, pretty words and promises about the future meant something. They were just his "get out of jail free" cards in the latter part of your relationship to get out of taking responsibility for his actions and put his needs first. Unless he put a ring on your finger and/or followed through with actions, he didn't make any sort of commitment or vow to keep his words. And you need to disabuse yourself of the notion that he did.
You need to ask yourself why you're so stuck on the idea that he owed/owes you something because of the words he said to you. I understand that you were clearly more invested than he was, but you are reverting back to his words as if they mean something now. He broke up with you, therefore anything he said while in the relationship is null and void. You need to work on moving forward, and replaying his pretty promises in your head will only get you stuck in a rut and believe that he owes you something. You will not be able to progress in moving forward this way.
Maybe there were red flags and signs that he wanted out of the relationship long before he ended it, but you ignored them and he was too much a coward to admit there was a problem and end it. It happens all the time. It happened to me too. But, you need to stop replaying all those words he said to you, and understand that's all they were. Clearly, by the way he coerced and treated you, those words were a pacifier to settle things down for the time being and quell the arguments. He had no intention of following through, and you need to accept that.
I say this because I noticed you're heavily referencing his past words/promises in your posts, as if those words are clues to his feelings or have any real merit like he owes you something because at one time he said "XYZ thing about the future." Again, you need to take his words and actions at face value. He broke up with you, therefore the pretty words he said before the break-up are moot, they mean nothing.
I only say this because at some point, you need to acknowledge and accept the failures/problems/arguments by both you and him that led to the breakdown of the relationship and eventual break-up. I understand that he was callous, selfish, manipulative, controlling and awful to you regarding the termination, but you were the other half of the relationship before he coerced you. Stop focusing on his meaningless words and focus on yourself and moving forward.
I've been where you are, and I was told something very similar as I am saying to you. I didn't want to hear it at the time because I was in the thick of my self-loathing and sadness, but I needed to hear it more than anything and now I understand why they said it. I was giving away the control over myself to a person who had let go of me, and I was intentionally making myself more upset because all I wanted was closure or an apology and was angry with him for his disregard of how I felt. When the truth was, he didn't owe me an apology and it was wrong of me to expect I'd ever get one because he made it glaringly clear that my feelings didn't matter to him. I wanted him to feel the way I felt and was convinced that he was supposed to feel something, but honestly, I don't think he felt anything. By acting as I was, I was doing myself a major disservice. The person who said this to me was right, and it took me a long time to realize what they meant by it.
This is reminding me a bit of my daughter's situation...Melissa has been in love with Don for 18 years, but watched him for years before marrying him because she didn't want to end up divorced like her parents. 09/09/09 they married, one of nine couples, made national news. They were very happy for several years until he got a new job that served alcohol and started drinking, hanging with the wrong crowd. Then everything changed, I'd say about four years ago. April 2017 he suddenly left her and for eight months she paid all the bills. He got the tax refund and spent it all, not sharing any of it with her, last year and this. Christmas she was deathly sick with the flu, couldn't even drive herself to the doctor, and he came sliding back in under the guise of taking care of her...we now realize it was with the agenda of stealing her apartment from her. The apt., which SHE found and paid for, is about $500/month less than comparable ones, and she can't afford any more. He makes about three times what she does and he wants to steal her apt.?! Oh, might I add, 1 1/2 years ago they lost their baby and the excuse he gave for leaving her was he didn't think she could have children. Do they get any more snaky than this?! Some say it's a good thing she didn't have it. I say it's never appropriate to say that, her loss was grievous and she very much wanted that baby, although I agree he's apparently not husband OR father material! He won't leave, he comes home in the wee hours to yell at her, he's mean and belligerent. I've never seen anyone change so much. I guess alcohol can do that to some people.
Melissa has come to terms with the fact she needs away from him, even if it means losing her place. She is done with him, now she just needs to plan her exit. I'm thankful she realizes her self worth even though he's done his best to destroy it.
Rae is right in that we can't expect someone else to have feelings of decency, we can only control what we do and who we are. I'm glad you're seeing him for the louse he is. You and my daughter can't move on soon enough as far as I'm concerned! We're here for you, rooting in your corner. Come vent any time you need to, do keep us updated on how you're doing.
I want to add that just because we see this horrendous behavior, it's a process to digest it, realize it, and respond to it accordingly. We remember the person they were and it's hard to come to terms with changes that great! It's good to realize they aren't the person we'd thought them to be and to do what is best for ourselves.
1 hour ago, kayc said:
So perfectly stated, KayC! It took me 3-4 months to fully understand this, how to see them for who they truly are and why we do it when Tim and I fell out for the final time. During this time was when I was told what I posted about in my last update. Even after Joe cheated on me and lied about it, for a few months after I was still willing to work things out and take him back if he'd have me. I am grateful I realized better and decided against it because he would've just disrespected me further. However, I didn't realize this until after I had tried to work things out with Tim.
My family is impatient with my daughter for trying to work out her marriage. I've had to remind them that it's a process and she's getting there in her own time. She's finally there, just needs to figure out how to physically make that move...of course, marriage is more complicated, she stands to lose everything if she just leaves, but she may have to do just that. There's something to be said for peace of mind, no matter the cost.
Copyright © 2003 - 2019 Grief Healing Powered by Invision Community