Savage Love May 4, 2006
by Dan Savage
I'm a gay man in a relationship for two years. I would say that we are in love. Love in the sense of the emotional kind of love and not so much in terms of the sexual. I do think of him as my husband and we had a commitment ceremony. We want to start a family and have started to look into adoption.
THE MYSTERY OF IRMA VEP – A Penny Dreadful, playing Feb. 8-26 at Intiman Theatre
Laugh till it hurts at this outrageous camp comedy the NYTimes calls "Wickedly funny!"
The one problem we have is that we have sex only once a month. We can talk about anything except for this. When I try to talk about it, my partner gets defensive. Perhaps we should have an open relationship, but that doesn't seem appealing, and I think we would both be jealous if we decided to do that.
Do you have any suggestions, O Wise and Mouthy One?
Loved But Deprived
Just one: Don't you dare adopt until both of the problems in your relationship are resolved, LBD. You may think you only have one, but I see two big, glaring problems: your crap sex life and your inability to communicate about it. If you boys can't communicate about your sex life now, how on earth are you going to communicate about it—not to mention all the other shit that comes with parenting—once you've adopted?
Also, LBD, if you think you're frustrated now, take the amount of sex you're currently having, multiply that number by .10, and that's the amount of sex you're likely to have after you become parents. I say "likely" because it doesn't have to be that way—parents can have great sex lives (ahem), but they do have to make an effort, and your partner doesn't sound like the effort-making type. As far as open relationships go, setting aside the advisability of new parents screwing around, there's the little matter of logistics. Most new parents don't have time to sleep, much less time to sleep around.
If your sex life isn't functional, LBD, then your relationship isn't ready for the stress-fest/shit storm that is parenting. I'm not saying once a month can't be functional—for some folks, once a month is plenty. But your sex life isn't functional because (1) once a month isn't enough for you, and (2) you guys can't talk about it and therefore can't resolve it. So you're going to have to press the issue, LBSD, and force the boyfriend to talk about it—and all discussion of adoption should cease until you solve these problems.
I'm a 32-year-old woman, married for seven years, and I have slept with three men and one woman since marrying my husband. Not long ago I made a commitment to loyalty (I know, big of me), and so far it's working. But recently a friend cheated on her husband this incident has unleashed guilt galore in me.
Question: Do I continue to try like hell to forget about my promiscuities, knowing that I'm with the person I love and that it would devastate his world if he knew? Or should he know? I think ultimately we'd make it work and stay together, but he'd be crushed. My instinct is to live with the guilt and focus on the positive change for the better.
Spouse Lacks Ultimate Truth
Trust your gut on this—your lying, cheating gut—and keep your mouth shut. While honesty gets all the good press, no marriage would survive long without lies great and small. Continue to protect your husband from the truth, and strive to be the woman you've duped your husband into believing that you are.
I am a straight woman who likes getting fucked in the ass. My boyfriend enjoys fucking my ass, so it works out well. Also, my boyfriend and I are both clean, so we don't have to worry about STDs and I prefer sex without condoms. Who doesn't? My problem is this: After he shoots a big load of come in my ass, it leaks back out for the rest of the day—along with other, less appetizing, substances. It makes quite a mess in my pants, smells bad, and is uncomfortable. I never hear gay men complain about this—and don't tell me it's because they're all so busy practicing safe sex.
Is there anything I can do to avoid this situation—short of using a condom? Is there some trick that I'm not aware of? Some gay man's secret for taking a big load of come in the ass?
Love The Come Hate The Mess
Anal-sex prep is hashed over in skanky and mainstream sex-advice columns alike: proper hygiene, lengthy foreplay, HIV prevention, and, for the peggers out there, the procurement of strap-ons. But scant attention is paid to the post-anal-sex issues, like the proper disposal of lube, semen, and santorum. Why? Because semen, lube, and santorum disposal reminds us of the asshole's primary function, and sex advisors tend to gloss over PAS issues. But at your request, here's the ancient Gay-Boy Secret: After your boyfriend comes in your ass, LTCHTM, pull your ass off his dick and plop it down on the toilet. Bring a magazine. Then crap it out—crap it all out. Come and lube and santorum that aren't left in your ass can't leak out and soil your undies the next day.
Hello, Mr. Savage. Could you please tell me what GFE stands for. Thank you.
Obtuse And Flummoxed
GFE stands for "Google Fucking Exists," OAF—or it should. Because if you had taken the time to type GFE into Google—which takes about 1/1000th of a second—you wouldn't have to ask me what GFE stands for: The very first result is "What GFE (Girlfriend Experience) Means to Me in Sexwork." GFE = girlfriend experience, which means the sex worker will, for money, treat you nicely, kiss, cuddle, etc. (Perhaps the acronym should be BNGFE, for "brand-new girlfriend experience.")
Gentle Readers: If you have the ability to send me an e-mail, you have the ability to do a Google search all by your lonesome. What's a Hot Karl? What does CBT stand for? What's a Louisville Plugger? All fine questions, all questions that you might have needed to pose to a sex-advice columnist before internet search engines came along. But nowadays? Google fucking exists, folks. Use it.
I'm a newly lactating woman who would like to recoup some of the many expenses associated with having a child. I'm wondering if there are places that sell human breast milk to fetishists (I'm sure they're out there). I looked online but couldn't find anything. Also, is there any reason I'd be arrested for doing this?
Capitalist Mom
Farmers have been arrested for selling raw cow's milk—well, not arrested, but hassled—so I'm guessing it's illegal to buy and sell raw human breast milk. But there's definitely a fetish for, and therefore a market for, human breast milk. If there's an organized underground market for human breast milk, someone out there reading this must know about it. Spill!
mail@savagelove.net
The Stranger depends on your continuing support to provide articles like this one. In return, we pledge our ongoing commitment to truthful, progressive journalism and serving our community. So if you're able, please consider a small recurring contribution. Thank you—you are appreciated!
You might also be interested in these:
New Savage Lovecast: It's Cuck Week! It's Cuck Week!
by The Stranger
Rooting Around
New Savage Lovecast: With the Mischievous Zach Noe Towers!
Follow Dan
Savage Blog »
Savage Love Podcast
Got a question for Dan Savage?
Call the Savage Love Podcast at 206-302-2064 or email Dan at mail@savagelove.net.
Savage Love Archives
Hard for the Money
Vaxxed and Confused
More in the Archives »
More from Dan Savage
Books by Dan Savage
Savage Love from A to Z
American Savage
It Gets Better: Coming Out, Overcoming Bullying, and Creating a Life Worth Living
The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family
Things I've Learned from Women Who've Dumped Me
Skipping Towards Gomorrah
The Kid: What Happened After My Boyfriend and I Decided to Go Get Pregnant
Savage Links
Fleshbot
Joe Newton/Savage Illustrations
Spreading Santorum
Kinsey Confidential
Tiny Nibbles
Want a Second Opinion?
Social Q's
Everyone Is Gay
Hola Papi
Minda Honey
Ask Sugar
Ask Roxane
Ask Polly
Contact Dan Savage
Savage on YouTube »
Most Popular in Savage Love