yammering
oh, well, whatever . . .
Archive for the 'fern mcelhatton' Category
the part of beauty that can't be destroyed
As I was driving to work one day last week I was devising a questionnaire to help individuals to self-assess their attitude to the place where they want to be buried. I decided upon one graded and scaled multi-answer question: "Which of these options do you consider better than having no grave at all?"
An unmarked grave
A grave that has your epitaph but not your name
A grave that gives only your initial and surname
A grave that gives only your name and date of death
A grave that gives your name and age at death
A grave that gives your name, dates of birth and death, and the names of your parents
A grave that gives your name, profession, date and place of birth and death
A grave that gives your name, profession and cause of death
A grave on which someone has planted a mighty oak tree
A grave that no-one ever visits
A grave that isn't kept clean
A grave that gives your full name and title, profession, dates and places of birth and death, cause of death, names of parents, children, spouses and old lovers, and an epitaph
A grave marked by a marble statue of an forlorn wingèd angel
A grave marked by a weather-beaten stone skull
A grave on which someone has urinated and left an empty lager can
A grave watched over by solar lights
A grave that no-one can ever find
A grave which has someone else's gravestone on it
A grave beneath a boulder near the foot of Great Gable
A grave that has fallen into the sea
When I went into the team room Pippa was telling Angie and Sally that The Death Kitty had again been won by someone at her daughter's workplace, but that yet again the winner hadn't been her daughter. The winner on this occasion was Malcolm, a finance officer. He was fortunate enough to have selected Hank Locklin as one of his candidates. Locklin had been the oldest surviving member of the Grand Ole Opry. He died on 8th March at the age of 91. One of his best known songs was Send Me the Pillow that You Dream On, which in lyrical terms contains little more than the famous line "Send me the pillow that you dream on so darling I can dream on it too".
'I've never heard of him,' Angie said.
'Me neither,' Sally said. 'Had no-one picked Wendy Richard?'
'They mustn't have, no,' Pippa said. 'I don't even think anyone's got Jade Goody.'
'How do they find out who has died?' Angie asked.
'From the internet,' Pippa said. 'There are lots of sites out there, you know, such as whosedeadandwhosalive.com, celebritydeathbeeper.com and dead-celeb.com. You can subscribe to some of them and they'll send you an email to let you know whenever a celebrity dies.'
'Sounds interesting,' Sally said. 'I think I'll have a look.'
'What's your daughter's name, again, Pippa?' I asked.
'Candy.'
'Oh yes, of course, Candy. So is she okay?'
'Yes, she's fine,' Pippa said. 'She's actually on holiday this week in the Lakes with her boyfriend.'
'That's where I've just been,' I said. 'Bowness.'
'Candy's in Cockermouth. But we love Bowness,' Pippa replied. 'We used to take the kids there all the time when they were little.'
'Yes, I like it too,' I said, 'even though it's a bit touristy for me.'
'So where were you staying? In a hotel?'
'No, I rented a house up on Longtail Hill.'
'Oh, Longtail Hill! Do you know the story about the young lass who was flattened by a steam roller there?'
'Yeah, I'd heard about that,' I said. 'A red-head, wasn't she?'
'When the kids were little we used to always get the ferry over to Hawkshead. A woman on the ferry told us the story one day. It seems that Sharon – the beautiful red-headed woman who was eventually squashed? – used to get take the ferry every Sunday morning and secretly meet up with a young man called Ned Perfect. Together they used to take long walks together, hand in hand through Claife Woods and around Far Sawrey. The trouble was that Ned was already engaged to be married to Florence Nelson, and Florence Nelson wasn't a woman to be trifled with. When Florence heard about Ned's secret trysts with Sharon she decided to eliminate her rival in a way that would obliterate every last trace of her beauty. She decided to flatten her with a steam roller.'
'The tale I'd heard was that Florence was irrationally jealous and that Ned had in fact done no more than accept a piece of orange from Sharon. I also thought Sharon always went to church on Sunday mornings.'
'That might be what she told people,' Pippa said. 'But that's not what the woman on the ferry told us. No, it seems that every Sunday morning Sharon met Ned on the far side of Windermere and that this went on for a long time. Florence eventually found out, of course, and discovered that every Sunday at about noon Ned gave Sharon a goodbye kiss at Claife Station and that Sharon then caught the quarter past twelve ferry alone, back to Bowness, and walked back up Longtail Hill to go home for her dinner. That's why Florence hatched her plan to ambush Sharon with a steam roller as she was walking up the bank.'
'Yes, I know about that bit,' I said.
'And did you know that after the murder Ned Perfect would walk out on to Longtail Hill every morning and try to find a strand of Sharon's red hair embedded in the tarmac, and that he'd prise the strand he found from the road and take it with him on the ferry over to Hawkshead. They say he put all the strands together in a silver box which is hidden among the roots of a tree near Claife Station. When the woman told us the story, she said Ned was still doing the crossing every single day. But that was a long time ago, of course. He's probably dead now. And in any case we never saw him. The kids used to run around the woods shouting for him to come out, come out wherever he was. It was a little game we always played.'
'For Ned Perfect, Sharon's hair must have been the only part of her beauty that Florence could not destroy,' I said. 'The part she could never take away.'
'Yes, you're probably right,' Pippa said.
'You haven't forgotten about our meeting this morning, have you?' Angie said.
'Who's it about again?' I said.
'Mrs McElhatton? Fern? The lady who thinks her daughter's been replaced by an imposter?'
'Oh yeah, of course,' I said. 'Give me a bell when everyone arrives.'
So it seems likely that the old white haired man I walked back from Far Sawrey with, and who as it happens had left me at the foot of the little path up to Claife Station, the place where Ned always kissed Sharon goodbye, was none other than Ned Perfect himself. It's amazing that love and loss can bend whole lives into such strange shapes. As I made my way upstairs to my office I also realised that Perfect though Ned might be, he is clearly a far from reliable narrator. There's obviously a lot more to this tale, and I was wondering if perhaps I could find out more on the internet. Surely there must be something somewhere about it. Perhaps I'll find something on famoussteamrollermurderers.com.
As I was leaving the office that night Jack Verdi was pulling into the car park on his motorbike. It was as Owen described it, big, shiny and black. Jack was in black leathers and wore a black high-gloss helmet with a dark mirrored visor. The word Spider was written across the side of his helmet in blood red lettering.
'Hi, Jack,' I said. 'What's your fettle?'
'Good, man. Yeah, cool.' He was trying to get the bike on to its stand. It was like watching a man made of pipe cleaners trying to bring a buffalo to heel. I couldn't help but wonder if he wouldn't have found a Vespa scooter more manageable. He took off his helmet and put it on the tank and began to undo the Velcro on his black gauntlets, each of which seemed to be about as big as a vulture's wing.
'Nice machine,' I said. 'Yes, I'd heard you'd got rid of the Skoda.'
'You bet I did, man. That was an old man's chariot. I might as well have been travelling in a hearse. This baby is more up my street, dude, if you know what I mean.'
'Owen told me it was a Kawasaki.'
'Nah, this is a Ducati, man. Classic Italian race machine. Owen wouldn't know a real bike if it jumped up and bit him. Guess what I call this beauty?' he said, stepping over it and pointing to some white lettering on tank.
'Hilda?' I said.
'Hilda?' Jack said, frowning. 'Hilda? Why Hilda, dude?'
I shrugged. 'I don't know,' I said. 'It was just a guess.'
'Cruella, dude. I call this baby, Cruella.' He chuckled and brushed his hand across the name to remove a slight smudge from the gleaming black tank. 'I named her after our mutual friend.' He laughed again.
'Ah,' I said. 'And this Spider thing – the thing on your hat?'
'The name on my helmet? Spider? That's the name they used to sometimes call me in the band, man. That's the name I answer to now. That's my real name, man.'
I nodded. 'So what are you here for, Jack?' I asked. 'A meeting?'
'Yeah, I've got a four thirty with Michelle about the Cassidy girls. We might have found a long term placement for them up over the Carter Bar near Hawick. Nice couple, run a little craft shop. He's a woodturner, she's a craft knitter, does handbags and scarves and mittens and stuff. If she likes the look of them I want to arrange to take Michelle up to meet them next week.'
'Not on Cruella's pillion, I hope,' I said.
'I will if she's up for it,' Jack joked.
'She won't be,' I said. 'You'll be crossing the border in the Yaris.'
I made my way down towards the car park at the bottom of the street. I listened to Bonnie Prince Billy's latest album as I drove home. It's certainly a bit more upbeat and musically animated than some of his previous work, but not as much as the reviews I'd read had led me to expect. The faltering, slightly washed-out and vague quality of his voice doesn't readily lend itself to joy. The Jayhawks, for example, have a kind of emotional buoyancy and confident musical momentum which its hard to imagine Mr Oldham ever achieving – which isn't to say that what he does isn't in it's own way just as good and valuable as the Jayhawk's stuff, of course.
I drove down the Laverock towards Newsham and noticed that leaves are beginning to appear on the some of the hawthorn hedges. It's suddenly possibly to believe it's spring. When I arrived home Margaret was at the gate talking to Geraldine. A couple of months or so ago, Griff decided to add an extension to Citadel, another mere twenty feet of shadow for those of who live beneath it. It was almost as if they wanted the world to see it as barely more than a whim, a casual afterthought, nothing worth getting in a lather about. The Citizens were understandably shocked. They consulted leading members of the ruling political group, who were absolutely clear that they had been against this project from the start. They recommended that the Citizens appear at the planning hearing and seek a deferment, which they duly did. They asked the committee to visit residents' homes to see just what the real impact was upon their lives.
The Committee made their site visit. The Widow Middlemiss had prepared herself for their visit. The Committee visited the building site, walked among the machines – the cranes, the dumpers, the diggers, the piles of breeze blocks and tiers of scaffolding – and beneath the naked girders and half built walls, and the builders went about their work all around and above them. The council official then announced the Committee could not visit any resident's house, not even the Widow's. On health and safety grounds. The official didn't elaborate on exactly what the risks might be, of course, but Geraldine was pretty sure she'd worked it out.
'They were frightened that Ethel's teapot might fall on them,' she said.
The planning committee duly returned to Morpeth and have now made their decision. It was absolutely predictable that they would grant consent for the extension and they did so. A committee member commented that the extension would not make a significant additional impact on the appearance of the building or upon residents. This of course is in a sense true. But it's like saying that if you've stolen from someone more or less everything they've got taking the remainder of their loose change isn't really such a big crime.
'Democracy is a farce,' Geraldine said. 'They just do what they want. The whole thing's been a charade.'
'You're right,' Margaret said. 'We may as well not exist.'
Margaret agreed. I stood and listened and nodded my agreement. I was thinking that the trouble with the councillors is that they're probably just as powerless as we are, but that that none of them has the courage to admit it. I gazed idly over into Hugo's front garden, where I noticed an old silver oven and hob unit had arrived in recent days along with a few sheets of plasterboard wrapped in polythene. I also noticed that The Alligator had acquired a new black boot and a towbar. It was obviously roadworthy again. I tried to recall when the beating had ended. Had I heard it this year? I wasn't sure.
I went into the house and left Margaret and Geraldine plotting the revolution. I scooped up De Kooning and took him through to the kitchen. There was a pile of onions and carrots on the bench. I made myself a cappuccino and we went through to the conservatory. I stood with De Kooning in my arms and looked out at the giant walls which now constitute the whole of our horizon.
'That's it, then,' I said. 'The battle's finally over. There's no way out of here now. We're entombed.'
De Kooning rubbed his head against my face and began to purr.
'Hey, you don't know any Hank Locklin songs, do you?' I said to him. 'Send Me the Pillow that You Dream On? Happy Journey? Geisha Girl?'
It was only half past five, but the sun had already disappeared behind The Wall. As I contemplated the implacable panorama that incarcerated us I began to wonder if Bonnie Prince Billy had ever sung Hank Locklin songs. I wondered how that would sound like. De Kooning was watching the blackbirds chasing each other around the garden. I began to wonder if there was anywhere in Northumberland where I could still buy myself a steam roller.
Written by yammering
Posted in angie, candy, cassidy girls, de kooning, fern mcelhatton, florence nelson, geraldine, griff, hugo, jack verdi, margaret, michelle, ned perfect, owen vardy, pippa, sally, sharon sweet, tallulah, widow middlemiss
Tagged with bonnie prince billy, bowness, claife station, cruella, ducati, hank locklin, jade goody, the jayhawks, wendy richard
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