Reporter's Notebook
Is It Okay to Cry at Work?
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Readers debate the question and share their own stories. Let loose via hello@theatlantic.com.
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10:30 AM / March 22, 2016
But Is It Okay to Yell at Work Either?
In our growing discussion about crying at work, a female reader references a previous one:
Only someone severely unstable or dramatic would cry over their perfume being mistaken for pesticide. Really? I wish I had so little to cry about.
The only time I cried at work: My boss had just told me that the company was going under and none of my coworkers knew. I was going to lose the only job I'd had for the past 11 years, a job I loved. I went AWOL for the worst of it, but my coworkers weren't stupid; I disappeared and then came back an hour later with a puffy face and red eyes, in a sullen mood. If you can't take the whole day off, you don't really have a choice but to cry—if not at work, then near work, and to trust your coworkers not to intrude or think you unprofessional, especially if it is something really upsetting.
This reader's comment was the most up-voted one from Olga's piece:
One thing that always confuses me about articles like this: Where do people get this idea that angry men are rewarded in the workplace?
Maybe they are on television. And, I suppose, frequent anger might be tolerated if he has some very unique Steve Jobs-like level of genius. But for the most part, angry men are seen as out-of-control and untrustworthy; their employment usually doesn't last long. Frequent anger is still unchecked emotion, not unlike frequent crying, and tends to elicit a similar negative response.
The demeanor most consistently rewarded, that subordinates respond best to, tends to be calm confidence and unwavering competence.
This reader is more succinct:
ANY emotional outbursts at work are wrong. Gender is irrelevant.
Another reader shares an anecdote of male anger:
I saw a judge humiliate a female attorney over the length of her skirt. He thought it was too short. He found it distracting. He thought she was being disrespectful to him and the court showing up dressed in such an unprofessional manner. (BTW, she did not look unprofessional.) He was outraged. He told her he was adjourning her client's hearing until the following week so she could show up looking presentable. It was a bail hearing for her client, who was sitting in jail. It was horrifying.
But that sort of outburst would be unusual to this reader:
I'm a management consultant and my clients are largely banks. Whilst people can be quite intense, I've never seen "shouty angry" types anywhere. Quiet dickishness, sure, but the raging red-faced lunatic of TV shows just doesn't really exist in real life. You'd be seen as a terrible team player and an HR liability—both of which are fatal to most career prospects.
1:56 PM / March 24, 2016
But What If Office Crying Comes From Mental Illness?
A reader complicates the discussion:
I'm a woman, and I've cried at work at least on three different occasions. Here's the thing, though: I have severe mental illness that often makes the stress of a full-time job unbearable. Sometimes I have been so miserable that I was fantasizing about driving my car off the road on the way to work, but I still had to go, because 1) most of the jobs I've held thus far did not offer paid sick/vacation time, and 2) I could not seek ADA accommodations because I know how often mentally ill people are stigmatized or punished for asking for them. It's ludicrous that so many companies actively block their female employees' ability to address their personal, emotional, and professional challenges and then punish them when they crack under the pressure.
Another reader provides a link that could benefit readers who struggle with crying at the office:
I separate my work life from my personal life, and I prize colleagues and employees who can do the same to whatever degree. During stressful times in my life, after a break up for example, work has been almost a sort of refuge, where I can put my life problems on hold and deal with work problems.
Recently a beloved family member passed away. I knew it was coming and alerted my boss it would happen. To be honest, I expected when I found the news that I would probably take a short walk outside and have a cry. I find out in the midst of work and just kept working. I certainly felt and still feel terrible sadness over this. But I expect it will be at the funeral that these emotions well up into tears. I think keeping the office separate from your personal life can benefit productivity, but also one emotionally.
I would also like to note that before this happened, I reached out to Karla Miller of The Washington Post, who has a work-advice column, and she sent me her article on crying at work, from March 2012. I think it could prove valuable.
Any other professional advice, especially for those suffering from mental illness? Please drop us an email.
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