Tag Archives: Nixon
Revelations from the News of the World wiretaps
Don't let the jowels deceive you: This man is as evil as he is shrewd
As if the world needed further proof of Ruport Murdoch's penchant for pure evil, the Master of Misinformation has recently become embroiled in a scandal of heinous proportions. Allegations are swirling that Murdoch's best-selling tabloid, the News of the World, has widely engaged in illegal phone hacking over the years in order to intercept the voicemails of numerous public figures, including victims of terrorism and murder. Not that we ever held the "News of the Screws" to particularly high ethical levels, but it seems that most Brits expected the tabloid to have developed a slightly higher morality than Nixon. But now, thanks to our shady underworld connections, we have uncovered and poured over the secret trove of the results of nearly 168 years of wiretapping conducted by the News of the World, and are now prepared to share their revelations with the rest of the world:
-Thanks to a loophole in Parliamentary Procedure, Hugh Grant accidentally served as acting Prime Minister for three days in 2008 while Gordon Brown was out sick with the flu.
-Sean Connery cries at the end of Love Actually every time.
-Queen Victoria suffered from a severe schoolgirl crush on Jefferson Davis during his tenure as President of the Confederate States of America.
-John Lennon's favorite past time during recording sessions was to prank call Scotland Yard and repeatedly ask to speak to "Mike Rotch."
-Christopher Nolan cannot get to sleep at night without masturbating to at least one of his own movies.
-David Cameron never returns Nick Clegg's phone calls.
-Gilbert and Sullivan's comic opera H.M.S. Pinafore was originally conceived as a rock opera chronicling W.S. Gilbert's forays into England's Victorian-era sexual underground.
-It took King George VI nearly four months to learn how to correctly say, "Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?"
-The England National Football Team is never as good as the expectations.
-Prime Minister John Major secretly thought that Minister for Magic Cornelius Fudge was a pompous jackass.
-Oasis vocalist Liam Gallagher totally hooked up with Princess Di in the loo of at least 3 different Manchester clubs. Gallagher would later regret breaking their tryst off because it was making him an "emotional wreck."
-Oscar Wilde spent 97% of his time rehearsing witticisms to drop while mingling in high society.
-Margaret Thatcher's eyes emit a powerful laser, hot enough to burn a socialist alive in .67 seconds, and bring the Falkland Islands to their knees.
-Harry Potter is still awaiting trial regarding his vigilante form of justice.
-Helena Bonham Carter and husband Tim Burton engage in the strangest sex known to man.
-David Beckham is rumored to play for a soccer club known to some as the "LA Galaxy," a supposed American professional soccer club and member of the mythical and shadowy organization dubbed the "MLS."
-Elizabeth II was extraordinarily disappointed when Prince William decided to marry Kate Middleton, citing reports that Pippa Middleton is clearly the hotter of the two.
-Rupurt Murdoch is still a tremendous asshole.
Tags: asshole, can you can a can as a canner can can a can, Christopher Nolan, comic, Confederate States of America, Cornelius Fudge, David Beckham, David Cameron, Elizabeth II, emotional wreck, England, football, George VI, Gilbert, Gordon Brown, H.M.S. Pinafore, Harry Potter, heinous, Helena Bonham Carter, Hugh Grant, Jefferson Davis, John Lennon, John Major, Kate Middleton, King, LA Galaxy, Liam Gallagher, loo, Love Actually, Manchester, Master of Misinformation, masturbating, Mike Rotch, Minister For Magic, MLS, murder, News of the Screws, News of the World, Nick Clegg, Nixon, Oasis, opera, Oscar Wilde, Parliament, Phone hacking, Pippa Middleton, pompous jackass, Prime Minister, Prince William, Princess Di, pure evil, Queen Victoria, results, revelation, revelations, rock opera, Rupert Murdoch, scandal, Scotland Yard, Sean Connery, secret, Sex, strange, Sullivan, tabloid, terrorism, Tim Husband, Victorian Era, vigilante, Wiretapping, witticism
Author Stephen Rees
10 American Historical Events That Totally Should Have Been Pregamed
For those of you out there in blogosphere who aren't familiar with the up-and-coming trend of "pregaming," it is a term that refers to the act of consuming alcohol before any event; it could be a football game, a musical, or even a 250-student lecture. Unfortunately, this trend of pregaming has only become a common cultural activity in recent years. We must wonder: How would history have been changed if previous generations were clinical alcoholics like ours is? Here are the top ten historical events that would have been infinitely better had all parties involved drained several shots of Jose Cuervo beforehand.
Tags: 1/64, 11th amendment, 12th amendment, 1775, 1787, 2000 Florida election recount, Aaron Burr, adventure, Alabama, alcohol, ale, Alexander Hamilton, America, and Future, anguish, Annapolis, antebellum era, AP US history, Arkansas, Articles of Confederation, biology teacher, black-out drunk, Bleeding Kansas, blogosphere, body shot, Brooks-Sumner Affair, Burger King, Burr-Hamilton Duel, campaign finance reforrm, cane, caning, Capitol, Charles Sumner, Cherokee, cherry tree fetish, cholera, Churchill, clinical alcoholics, Clint Eastwood, condoms, Congress, Constitutional Convention, Continental Army, convention, court hearing, CREEP, descended from primates, DNC, double shots, doucheloaf, drunken stumbling, Duke of Cunterbury, economic transformation, Evander Jones, Every American Political Convention that happened between 1775 and 1787, expansion, facial hair, First Continental Congress, flaming pile of shit, flip cup, Florida Secretary of State, football, Frances Willard, fresh, fucking heinous, gastro-intestinal nadir, George Bush, George Washington, Give me natty light or give me death, Gold rush, hammered, Harry Reid, Henry Clay, hookup, ill-fated, Independence Hall, Indian Casino, inebriated, innuendo, Jesse Bright, John Hancock, John Scopes, Jose Cuervo, judicial jungle-juicing, Katherine Harris, kegger, Keitt, King George III, Liberty Bell, masculinity, Massachusetts, masturbating, McGovern suxxx, Mississippi, moonshine, music, Nathaniel Banks, natives, never back down, New York, nicknames, Nixon, obliterated, Oklahoma, Olive Branch Petition, Oregon Trail, Patrick Henry, PCP, Peter Stein, politics, Potomac, pregaming, Present, Preston Brooks, procedural rules, prospecting, prospecting gold with a pistol and a spoon, public nudity, public urination, Republican caucus, Revolutionary War, road trip, robber barons, Roosevelt, Rum and Coke, Scandinavia, scholarship, Secretary of Treasury, Senate, Senate floor debates, shitshow, sipping brewskis, slavery, slizzard, sloshed, South Carolina, Stalin, Supreme Court, Supreme Emperor of all Tools Past, switchblades, tanked triumverate, tavern, Tennessee, Texas, The Gilded Age, The Scopes Trial, Thomas Jefferson, tomahawk, Trail of Beers, Trail of Tears, trauma, urinating on a herd of buffalo, Valley Forge, Vice President, vintage porn, vodka, Watergate Scandal, wheelbarrow race, William Howard, William Sebastian, Women's Christian Temperance Union, women's hockey, wooden teeth, Yalta Conference, Yorktown
Categories Geography/History, Lists