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zh6gib | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/[deleted] in r/amitheasshole**
trigger warning: >!domestic abuse!<
---
&nbsp;
[**AITA for shutting off the movie half way through and making my boyfriend feel bad?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ok8d1a/aita_for_shutting_off_the_movie_half_way_through/) - 14 July 2021
My boyfriend (Wyatt) and I always watch movies together every time we have off days that end up on the same day. Especially since the pandemic. And we go back and forth on who picks the movie. But I've noticed he's usually talking through my movie choices. Either pointing out 'plot holes' or just talking down about the movie in one way or another.
I never act this way when it's his turn to pick the movie. Even if I don't care for it. Like the last movie he chose, The Fountain. I was so confused until half way through and then bored the rest of the film. But I didn't talk during the movie or constantly dump on it either. And even at the end when he asked what I thought I said it was alright, even though I thought the movie wasn't good. It tried to do a bunch of different things all at once and ended up doing nothing. But he seemed really fond of it so I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
But he doesn't seem to have that mindset when it comes to him watching my picks. I've told him to shush and to just watch the movies but he just sighs loudly and says they're boring. If I tell him to stop he gets all huffy and goes totally silent and usually takes his phone out to play a game or scroll the internet, totally ignoring me and the movie. It really hurts my feelings.
And yesterday was my turn to choose again, and I picked a good movie that really hit me hard as a kid (I bawled when I first watched it and still tear up to this day). And I told him this movie was special to me but he barely got 10 minutes into it before he started up saying it was boring and childish. It is a kids movie but that doesn't make it boring. I was getting upset and before the big part of the movie even got close I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt like him acting this way during a super important part would ruin the movie for me, maybe forever, so I just got up and turned it off.
He asked what I was doing and I told him I didn't want to have the movie ruined for me so it was better if I just turn it off. He said I was being a baby and to turn it back on. I refused and just told him to pick something to watch instead, then I sat on the couch. He got mad and said if I was gonna be dramatic like this then he didn't want to watch anything with me and got up and went to his room and slammed the door.
This happened the other day and he's been giving me the cold shoulder and when I asked why he said he wants an apology for making him feel like dirt. Should I apologize? Did I really make a huge deal out of just a movie? AITA?
Verdict: NTA
I've gotten a LOT of comments and IMs asking what the movie I chose was. It was The Bridge to Terabithia. It's not the best movie ever but it was the first 'kids' movie I watched when I was young that really moved me and made me cry.
/
Uh hey. Final(?) edit. I ended up having to call my parents who called the cops on Wyatt.
I read all the advice from everyone saying he wasn't respecting my interests or me as a person and it got me thinking and stuff I ignored or overlooks before started popping out to me. Stuff that didn't seem fair to me that I'd just put up with because I loved him. And so many people told me to just break up with him and I could do better. But I was in love and he was my first serious boyfriend, and I really just wanted to work things out and get through this thing with him.
So I tried to sit down and have a serious talk with him, just hoping he'd listen this time. I told him how he acted made me feel and his behavior during my movie choices ruined the experience for me. And I told him I never act that way during his movies because I know he likes them and I respect him and don't want to be mean or belittle his interests, even if they don't interest me. About then he told me I was being dramatic again and they were just stupid movies and he tried excusing his behavior by saying my movie choices suck anyways.
I was just so tired by this point and wanted some space and quiet to think about where we go from here. So I started to ask him to go back to his apartment for the night but he interrupted me by yelling how since I couldn't have my way I was kicking him out. It really scared me because he'd never screamed at me before, even when he'd raise his voice during arguments he never full on screamed at me. I tried to get him to calm down but he started calling me a bunch of nasty stuff and even backed me up against a wall and grabbed my bicep hard enough to bruise I saw later, I panicked and ran to the bathroom and locked it behind me.
He banged on the door, telling me to come out and I was crying and couldn't think of anything else to do but call my parents. Mom answered and she could hear him screaming and the banging in the background. Her and dad were freaked out and dad called the cops. Long story short the cops and my folks showed up and Wyatt was removed from my apartment and my parents told him not to come back or we'd get a restraining order.
It's almost 10:30pm now and I've locked my apartment up and am currently staying with my mom and dad for a while. Thanks for the advice everyone. But Wyatt and I are pretty much over and I think I'm done with this account and I'll be logging off now.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 12,551 | 2022-12-09T19:36:00 | OOP wonders if she's the asshole for turning off a movie half way through | REPOST | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zh6gib/oop_wonders_if_shes_the_asshole_for_turning_off_a/ | false | false | [
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zh6le0 | I am NOT OP, all credit to u/Majestic_Geologist83, original post [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y8giw0/aita_for_almost_throwing_away_my_stepsons/?sort=top) from Oct 19 2022
Mood: light BORU reading
**SHORT UPDATE**
&#x200B;
My stepson is 23 and he sleeps with a body pillow that he has one pillowcase for. It has a cartoon on it of a girl in a cat costume.
I was doing the laundry yesterday and I noticed it was pretty threadbare when it came out of the dryer. So I threw it in the rag bag.
When he came home from work he asked where it was and I told him. He acted shocked and almost looked like he was going to cry. He went and took it out of the bag and washed and dried it again. When his mom got home he talked to her right in front of me and said I wasn't allowed to wash it any more. She sat with him in his room after and calmed him down.
It isn't one of his collectibles. He doesn't keep it sealed away or anything. But they are both mad at me. I don't know what I did wrong.
Why am I the asshole?
&#x200B;
\*Reposter's note: a few replies to OOP:
>[YTA for being oblivious to the fact that you threw away his girlfriend](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y8giw0/comment/iszxlrh/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3).
&#x200B;
>[YTA for treating your daughter-in-law as a worn out rag. 🤭😆](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y8giw0/comment/it0ar9y/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>[Hmm, how can I put this gently? Imagine if that pillowcase was, ya know, like a girlfriend to him](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y8giw0/comment/iszz8pm/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
>
>OOP:[I have been getting that response a lot. It can't be real.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y8giw0/comment/it00nmn/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
&#x200B;
>[YTA how dare you disrespect his waifu like that!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y8giw0/comment/iszy42n/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
I'm retired and my wife works. That's why I do the housework. We have lots of pillowcases that would fit. I don't want to look up what a waifu is. I made that mistake with futunari. And when one of my t shirts or my wife's jeans or a towel gets worn out it goes in the rag bag for the garage. That is why I threw it away. I didn't rip it or put it in the trash with food waste. It went into a plastic bag with other clean worn out stuff.
EDIT I did apologize. And if what you guys are saying is true I'm never going to touch it again. He can do his own laundry.
&#x200B;
&#x200B;
*Edited for additional info from r/relationship_advice:*
I 62 recently found out some stuff about my stepson 23 that I would really rather not know. My daughter 16 helped me post to a different sub and, although part of me wishes I hadn't, I'm kind of glad I did. It gave me some insight into the kid. He's been in my life since he was 5. Now she told me to post here since my post over there got removed.
I had a long talk with my wife 42 about our son. I showed her the original post. She is kind of in shock about it. She knew he was attached to his property and kind of upset with me for throwing it away without asking.
So I listened to some of the commenters there and suggested therapy. Trust me when I say I'm considering it for myself after what I read. I am old guy but I'm not one of those that thinks getting mental health services makes you weak. I think that my stepson has some problems that I am not equipped to deal with.
My stepson is upset with me to begin with and now he is angry that I think he is crazy. I do not. I worked with some guys who were completely around the bend. He just needs some help. My old man would have told me to take him to Amsterdam and make him grow up. I'm not going to do that. I don't know what he needs but I know it's not that.
I don't think what some of those guys suggested is true. I think he is just confused about how to deal in this world you young people have got going on.
He said that he isn't crazy and I am an asshole for saying he is.
Once again I just want him to get help. I'm not judging his life.
How can I convince him that I love him, want what is best for him, and that he needs help?
TLDR:
My son is very attached to some of his bedding. He is 23. I don't know if it's like a security blanket or something else. I think he needs to see someone to help him get over this.
&#x200B;
*Comment from u/diagnosedwolf:*
> Lots of young people have sexual fetishes that they don’t necessarily want their parents to find out about. Having a sexual fetish that involves a printed pillow case is not in itself indicative of a need for therapy, not any more than your being disturbed by that fetish is indicative that you need therapy.
>
> Unless he has trauma or other cognitive dysfunction that is causing him distress, which is being expressed in the form of this fetish, there’s no reason to think there is anything wrong with your stepson.
>
> His sex life is none of your business. Just repeat that to yourself over and over.
He is a good kid. I want him to have his best life. I know his sex life isn't my business. I am just having trouble thinking this is best for him.
&#x200B;
&#x200B;
*Reposter's note: again, I am NOT OP. And as a child of the internet, boy am I glad I'm not OP. Go send him a beer
[Post courtesy of BoRU reader u/DonJuanTriunfante - [give reddit awards](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zh6le0/oop_almost_throws_out_his_stepsons_pillowcase/izl67n4/) and love to them please] | 4,195 | 2022-12-09T19:41:20 | OOP almost throws out his stepson's pillowcase [SHORT UPDATE] | INCONCLUSIVE | bestupdator | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zh6le0/oop_almost_throws_out_his_stepsons_pillowcase/ | false | false | [
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zh81vb | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-09T20:38:43 | OOP asks if she is the Asshole for wanting to sue her niece over a coat. | CONCLUDED | Vicvicvidevic | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zh81vb/oop_asks_if_she_is_the_asshole_for_wanting_to_sue/ | false | false | [
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zhaj6v | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-09T22:19:09 | OOP doesn't know what to do when there's a drunk girl in his room | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zhaj6v/oop_doesnt_know_what_to_do_when_theres_a_drunk/ | false | false | [
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zhbkv5 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-09T22:59:21 | OOP doesn't know what to do when there's a drunk girl in his room | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zhbkv5/oop_doesnt_know_what_to_do_when_theres_a_drunk/ | false | false | [
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zhcg6l | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/throwrarope12 in r/relationship_advice**
---
&nbsp;
[**There is a drunk girl(20sF maybe) in my room, what the fk do I(21M) do now?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/tj5gn8/there_is_a_drunk_girl20sf_maybe_in_my_room_what/) - 21 March 2022
So I was at a club with my friends drinking and all. We met a group of girls, we danced, it was fun.
Some of my friends went away with a few of the girls and few of us were left. And then I begin to chat with this girl from that group.
She is very drunk and very flirty and as we talk she asks if I wanna take her home. This was very new to me, cus this was the first time a girl at a club seemed interested at me. So me being an idiot didn't take in consideration she was drunk took her back to my place. Well I was getting freshen up and when I came back out she was passes out on the bed.
I tried to maybe wake her up so she could go back but she is down.
Now Im panicking a little, cus I dont know what to do here. Do I just leave her alone? Do I try to call her friends or family to pick her up? Do i call the cops. Did I do anything wrong? Please tell me what I should do now and maybe in the future so this doesnt happen again.
**UPDATE:**
So I put her on her side with some pillows, water, A trash can and A note explaining what happened. Then I shot a text to my friends who did go with girls from her group but they havent responded yet. Few mins later I went to take a nap on the couch and woke up about 10mins ago.
I will go call them now hoping they are fking awake. Thank You all.
**Final UPDATE :**
Im happy to report that things went smoothly. She woke up and came out of the room with the note, didnt puke but drank the water, used the bathroom and then called her friends to pick her up. None of my friends read the text or calls yet so Im assuming they are in a fkin coma. She was quiet and I didn't bring up anything about last night. Her friends then picked her up and she left. Im glad it went smoothly, Thanks for all your help
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 8,666 | 2022-12-09T23:32:54 | OOP doesn't know what to do when there's a drunk girl in his room | CONCLUDED | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zhcg6l/oop_doesnt_know_what_to_do_when_theres_a_drunk/ | false | false | [
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zhdpwp | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-10T00:25:57 | can we change the definition of "concluded"? | INCONCLUSIVE | redrocerepat | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zhdpwp/can_we_change_the_definition_of_concluded/ | false | false | [
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zhp1vc | 1 | 2022-12-10T10:22:54 | Update on canceling the plans for thanksgiving after my parents called my brother’s baby their “first grandchild”. | NEW UPDATE | Single_Firefighter_9 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zhp1vc/update_on_canceling_the_plans_for_thanksgiving/ | false | false | null |
|
zhp2dn | 1 | 2022-12-10T10:23:36 | AITA for canceling the plans for thanksgiving after my parents called my brother’s baby their “first grandchild”? | ONGOING | Single_Firefighter_9 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zhp2dn/aita_for_canceling_the_plans_for_thanksgiving/ | false | false | null |
|
zhq5xv | Originally posted by u/danocarter1 in r/AmItheAsshole
[Original post Nov 26, '22](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z55x30/aita_for_refusing_to_give_my_daughter_back_to_her/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
AITA for refusing to give my daughter back to her biological mother?
To avoid confusion, my daughter, Milly (14) is biologically my niece.
So what happened was, years ago when Milly was about 3, my sister/her mom, Laila (38) left to work in another country, leaving Milly in my(44M) care. Milly's father died before she was born. Laila had promised to send money for me to take care of Milly and that'd she'd call and visit as often as she could until she could take Milly to live with her permanently.
After she left, she called probably 3 times in the first two months and then went awol. For years I'd tried to find out what happened and assumed the worst, only to hear from one of her friends a couple of years later that she got married to someone else and has an entire new family. I was heartbroken because Milly would ask when her mom was coming back and I never knew what to say except "soon". But even she grew tired of it and realized when she was about 8 that her mom wasn't coming back anytime soon, that's if she was coming back at all. Because of this situation, me and my wife were granted parental rights to Milly and she couldn't have been happier that we were officially her parents.
Well, what do you know, after 11 years, Laila finally graced us with her long overdue return last week, along with her new very wealthy family and 2 children. Most of the family was happy with her return but me, my mom, dad, and my wife were nothing short of furious. She tried to explain but all that we heard was " I abandoned my own daughter and made a new family".
As if that wasn't enough, she practically demanded her daughter back. Mom and dad weren't having it at all and told her Milly belongs with me and my wife and that she no longer has any right to her. Welp, there she goes screaming at me about stealing her daughter because I was infertile and to hear that come out from her mouth hurt me in a way I've never been hurt before to the point where I cried and left. Me being infertile has always been my weak point and for her to casually bring it up like that despite being my sister broke me. For the next days, I prevented her from contacting Milly and I haven't told her that Laila is back because I'm scared I'll lose my daughter. I'm a human being too, I get attached, especially to someone I've had to raise, that too out of my own pocket, not that I'm complaining. I believe Milly is my daughter and I can't let her go back to the very same woman who abandoned her.
Does this make me TA?
Edit: I'd like to thank each and everyone of you. All your criticism is valid and I really appreciate you guys for making me realize that I might lose my daughter by keeping the return of her mom away from her.
I'd also like to apologize for the way I phrased some of the things. By no means do I think of my daughter as some possession, she is her own person and doesn't belong to anyone. As such I've changed the Phrase "belong to" to "belong with" to accurately represent what was meant.
I love you guys for all the support you've given me and I definitely will consult a lawyer. Me and my wife have agreed to tell Milly about her mother tonight and we will make sure it's all about how she feels and not about us.
[Update Dec 2, '22](https://www.reddit.com/user/danOcarter1/comments/zast0x/aita_for_not_refusing_to_give_my_daughter_back_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
I would like to apologize for not responding to the comments and messages I've received lately. Things have been tough eversince we told Milly about Laila's return.
After all the support and advice, you deserve an update on the situation.
I don't even know where to begin really. Everything has been, a mess. Way too much happened the day after we told Milly. Since there's no word limit here, I'll try getting into as much detail as I can.
That night, we told Milly that Laila had returned and for a good few minutes, she was looking at us, as if waiting for us to say we were joking but after she realized we were not, she broke down into tears and it hurt. Of course she wanted to know more and though we were hesitant, we ended up telling her about Laila and her new family. I'd never seen her that furious...she was all over the place, throwing stuff around and we let her because she needed to let it all out. For the night she refused to talk to me since I should have told her the moment she came back and my wife stayed with her for the night. Her anger subsided by morning and we patched things up.
At first she wasn't sure if she wanted anything to do with Laila but we let her make that choice and she wanted to see her. And oh so God help me with that woman. We set up the meeting for HER and Laila but she brought her entire family to the house along with her expensive gifts, and everything went downhill from there. Need to mention a very important part that should have made Laila realise she truly abandoned Milly. Along with the family, was her sister in law, Tanya, about the same age as her. When both of them entered, Milly could not even recognize who amongst them was Laila and they looked worlds apart from each other. I had hoped that was enough to convince her to see what she did but she carried on and pointed out that she was Laila all while attempting to get close to her even when she was clearly distancing herself. It got so bad that my wife had to come in between them and her husband had to pull her away.
That's when she started yelling at my wife for coming in between her and Milly, also accusing her of "replacing" her. What was there to replace? She was never there to begin with.....and wow, what a first impression she made to the kid she abandoned. Milly became infuriated once more and things were said. When I say she said what needed to be said, I mean it. It was a serious situation but me and my wife were struggling to hide our smiles when Milly told Laila off. She called her cruel, selfish, disgusting, evil and many more vile words to express her hatred towards her. Tanya had to take Laila's kids outside. Normally I'd not entertain the vocabulary Milly was using but for this specific instance, I just had to allow it. She was too worked up after this and I had to take care upstairs to calm down.
Now it was just me and my wife v Laila and her husband. And along came the usual chorus. She accused us once again, now saying we influenced Milly to hate her. She was in tears and for a minute, I felt sorry for her. My wife politely asked we discuss this like adults.
Now the revelations begin and honestly, I rest my case. As we were recalling events of the past and why Laila never contacted us again, Jeremy (her husband) was visibly confused. He looked lost, completely lost to the point where I thought he wasn't feeling well and I offered we take a walk. And well, we start talking about this matter and I was beyond shocked. According to him, when he and Laila met, she never said anything about a child and only after the marriage did she reveal she had a child. Not by choice anyway because he found out from one of my billion texts to her regarding Milly.
She further lied and said my family forced her to give up her child to me because I was infertile and "desperate" for a child that shared "blood" with me. But it doesn't end there, when Jeremy wanted to read the rest of the texts, she deleted them because I was apparently insulting and making threats to her that were so disturbing she didn't want Jeremy to see them. Of course I showed him the texts from my phone and he couldn't believe it. It gets even worse. It was said that I was preventing her from contacting Milly and she didn't even want to involve the police in the matter because me and my family were dangerous so she thought it was best not to contact us anymore to protect her new family.
At some point I was thinking to myself how incredibly stupid Jeremy was to believe Laila's blatant attempts to cover the fact that she abandoned a child. But I feel for the guy, he was probably so smitten with my sister just like all her exes that he failed to see through her pretentiousness.
I didn't even get to ask why they chose to come back now because Jeremy was angry and he went back inside fuming. They were fighting so loudly I had to send them outside. It was clearly going to get violent and we had to physically separate the two. Jeremy took Tanya and the kids and left, leaving Laila there. My very empathetic wife let her stay in our house since she was wailing so much and honestly after the lies, I couldn't care less about her. I did ask Milly if she was ok with Laila spending the night and after seeing Laila breakdown like that, I wasn't surprised she let her stay. She made it very clear the only reason she was allowing it is because she's not like her and that was enough to let me know we've been doing a good job raising her. She also said she was still waiting for her to explain why she abandoned her and why she chose to come back now.
We did get to discuss how she felt about Laila overall and needless to say, she was very disappointed with her approach. I took the chance to assure her she shouldn't be pressured to side with me and my wife and that she can get to know Laila if she wants to. We would always love her no matter what. She assured me she wouldn't be going anywhere and it was very emotional for me because my heart was at ease hearing her say that.
Laila and Jeremy are still not talking so Laila lives with us for now, since my parents don't want her at their house either and my wife thinks she's too unstable to be left alone. But the more she delays telling us the truth, the faster her time is running out in the house.
I just don't recognize my sister anymore. She was never like this. My parents raised her so well. I get she was traumatized by Milly's father's death but surely it's not enough to change someone so drastically. And to abandon your child despite knowing you're the only parent they have left, then coming back after a long time to take her away from people who love her. It just makes it hard for me to sympathize with her.
I doubt anyone of us will take this to the courts now that Laila's husband knows the truth.
*In the comments:*
>Give her a time limit. A week should be enough for her to get her act together enough to move forwards. Any longer than that, and you would be actively harming your daughter by having her around. Good luck on your next moves.
*OP Answers:*
Oh don't worry about that. She has until tomorrow to answer Milly's questions.
She can come up with the most saint of explanations but the lies that she told her husband and his family will be her downfall. I know for sure nothing she says will ever convince Milly and I did tell Laila that I'll drag her out myself if she doesn't leave tomorrow regardless of the explanation and I would have the abandonment charges pressed against her. I just hope it doesn't come to that and she just apologizes and peacefully exits our lives because even now, I still haven't heard a single sorry from her. I can see she's taking advantage of my wife's empathetic nature but I'm going to end it.
🔺️🔺️🔺️
**The final update and his account have now been deleted but this is a copy:**
AITA for refusing to give my daughter back to her biological mother (Final Update)
I've been noticing a lot of traction from my updates and I can see you all want an update.
First I would like to address the skepticism around my posts. I understand where you're all coming from and honestly I expected a lot more people to say I made it up because even to me it all seems unreal. I can't control whether you believe it or not but regardless, I thank those who have given their support.
As for the text messages, I have always kept them over the years ever since Laila went awol. They weren't just on one platform but a lot more others. It was also advised by our lawyer to keep them and that's how we also got Milly's custody. I know from the reader's perspective it seems everything happened fast but I assure you it didn't.
But I have to apologize, I cannot give you a detailed update about Laila's answer, at least not on a post. Yes, it is that bad. Laila's secret is only between me, my wife and her. She told Milly it was because of her mental instability but that was only surface level. Milly did tell her it was great that she eventually came back for her but things are better with her gone, at least for now. The real reason would crush my daughter. We can't tell her until we're sure she can handle it but I don't see us ever telling her something a horrible as this. Now I know my sister is dealing with her unresolved trauma that has made her the horrible person she is today. She has left and I made her swear to never come back but I know better than to take Laila's word for things so I had to make sure in my own ways.
I didn't do anything illegal if it's what you're thinking. Jeremy did come back before finally leaving to apologize to Milly about Laila's actions and told her she's always welcome at his home and can get to know her half siblings if she wants to. I don't know what will happen between Laila and Jeremy but for her sake, she had better lie herself out of this one too because if she tells Jeremy what she said to me, she might not even see her other kids again. But then again, it would be good if the kids are raised by Jeremy and not Laila, until she has seen a psychiatrist.
I don't know how to feel about Laila now. Because from one hand, I can see she is dealing with heavy unresolved trauma that needs professional intervention. But on the other hand, no mother feels the way she feels about my daughter.
I am by all means going to delete this update after some time. If you do want to know what Laila said and can guarantee me you will never ever share it anywhere else, message me. I can't have it in a public post. I've already told a few I trust about the whole thing and I truly hope they have kept it to themselves.
**New Edit from your reposter: I heard back from our OOP. Since he was not wanting to share the real reason Laila abandoned her daughter, had messaged him to make sure it would be okay to add his final update into this post, since it might result in a barrage of requests to hear what happened. He told me it was okay because he was about to delete everything anyway. He did share Laila's story with me. I will tell you that Milly was not the product of sexual assault, as so many in the comments assumed. I asked how Milly was doing after all of this. He said she was handling it really well. I'm pasting his reply about Milly below.**
>My daughter is much better than I thought she would be. Her life and daily habits haven't been affected and we're moving on as a family | 7,986 | 2022-12-10T11:21:40 | Man Refuses To Give His Daughter Back To Her Bio Mom (AITA Dec 2, '22) | ONGOING | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zhq5xv/man_refuses_to_give_his_daughter_back_to_her_bio/ | false | false | [
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zhvm2d | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-10T15:44:20 | AITA for telling my parents they have to move out? | ONGOING | iraddney | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zhvm2d/aita_for_telling_my_parents_they_have_to_move_out/ | false | false | [
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zhyp12 | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/throwrawatermelo in r/relationship_advice**
---
&nbsp;
[**Preparing to see daughter I gave up at birth next weekend. I'm quite terrified.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/lopna3/preparing_to_see_daughter_i_gave_up_at_birth_next/) - 21 February 2021
I was 15 when I had her and I didn't want to be a mother and I waited too long to have an abortion. For the entire pregnancy, my partner and I (at the time) both agreed that we would give the baby up for adoption and even found parents, but at the last minute, he backed out and said he wanted to keep the baby. I was scared, terrified even, and i didn't want to be a mother at all. I wanted to forget all of it even happened, we were too young to be someone's mom and dad.
The last month of my pregnancy was hard. I contacted the adoptive parents and told them that it will most likely not happen, but i'll reach out to them if things go back to how they were supposed to. I thought he was bluffing, he always made decisions without thinking. I had the baby, a girl, and he didn't change his mind. He wanted to be a 15 year old dad, and I was scared, but he told me that I didn't have to be in the baby's life, so I wasn't.
I went to live with my aunt in another state for the remainder of my teen years. My parents were furious when they found out I was pregnant, and my dad didn't talk to me for weeks at first, but eventually they kinda came around. i didn't want to be reminded of the fact I had a baby and I was given a chance to start fresh.
I was hoping that he eventually gave up the baby. It was all based on guilt. I'd rather would've had a child and give them up for adoption vs having a child and leaving them to be raised by 1 parent. When my daughter was 5, I found her dad on instagram, it was the first tine I saw her since birth. I was still young at the time, 20, and ended up deleting Instagram because I didn't want to be reminded of what I did.
4 years went by and I signed into my old account, and saw my block list had her father. This time she was 9. I unblocked him and went through her photos with him. I reached out and I got an instant please do not contact again and a block. It took him 2 years to give me an ok to see her, which is supposed to be next week.
I'm scared, guilty, ashamed but happy. I don't expect to be welcomed with open arms, I just want to talk. She's 11 and she'so the cheerleading team, ironic because I was too. I thought I was ready, but I'm not sure. Somedays I wish I never left, most night especially in the past year.
&nbsp;
[**(UPDATE) Preparing to see daughter I gave up at birth next weekend. I'm quite terrified.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/m0z8hy/update_preparing_to_see_daughter_i_gave_up_at/) - 9 March 2021
Well, I saw her for the first time 2 weeks ago and all I can say is that she is such a sweet little girl. So smart for an 11 year old and she is so her dads twin. I let her do some serious questions asking as a comment said and she was very articulate. Asked me a few that were difficult to answer but I got through that and did it anyway.
I was extremely anxious when I first met her. I just want to say thank you to her father for raising such a bright young lady and allowing me to meet her. Told me all about her cheerleading meets, and even invited me to one. It was incredibly kind for him to do so and I understand his concerns.
People in the comments did point out some issues with my overall feelings about how everything went down. We were both 15, and had already settled on adoptive parents when he changed his mind and said said he wanted to keep it when i was 8 months along.
After she was born, I kept doing everything in my power to try to forget it even happened like moving states away, avoiding the topic, completely leaving it out if I ever explain significant parts of my life story. I'm working on accepting it happened and the emotional aspects of it.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 6,217 | 2022-12-10T17:51:07 | Preparing to see daughter I gave up at birth next weekend. I'm quite terrified. | REPOST | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zhyp12/preparing_to_see_daughter_i_gave_up_at_birth_next/ | false | false | [
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zhz39e | **I am not the OP. That is u/throwAway_SAHDplease. Originally posted in r/relationship_advice**
Trigger warning: >!infidelity!<
Mood spoiler: >!sad!<
&nbsp;
[Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ykref7/caught_my_wife_of_13_years_cheating_with_a/) *posted on November 3, 2022*
**Caught my wife, of 13 years, cheating with a co-worker**
Just here to get straight to the point. My wife and I have been married since we were 25. We are 38 now. We met in college, got married and everything has been great. We both graduated, got good jobs, and started our lives together. Me and my wife both made good money, so money was never an issue for us. My wife worked for her dad's small business while I worked for a very large company. After a few years, my boss left the company out of nowhere and they needed someone to take over. The only person who knew how to run the department was me. So, I got a major pay jump, better bonus, better benefits. The works. So, at 28 I was making probably 3x + plus more than my wife.
At 28, the same year, my wife gave birth to our first daughter. Then, two years later, our second. My wife, due to working for her father, was able to be more diverse in working. Well, around 5 years ago, my father-in-law passed away unexpectedly. That left my mother-in-law and wife in a hard position. Sell the company or run it themselves. My mother-in-law had no clue how to run it, so my wife said she would do it. After my wife took the company, it did just as well as when her father ran it. With that being said, my wife got a huge pay increase, more than me. I was proud of her. Going from a basic worker to running a whole company isn't easy. Anyway, our daughters started suffering from not seeing their parents. Me and my wife discussed one of us staying home. She said, "The company you work for will be fine without you. Mine could go under." I agreed, so I quit my job and became a stay-at-home dad/husband.
I do everything. I make sure the girls are all taken care of. I cook, clean, fix things, make sure errands are run, you name it. I pamper my wife when she gets home from working. This went well for a while until about a year ago. My wife was always very appreciative of what I did and loved it. She has become very mean lately. Like just saying things like, "do you do anything" or "How about you work for real?". What? I work my ass every day making sure you don't have to lift a finger when you get home at all. Also, I had a "real job", but I quit to raise and take care of the girls, our home, and you. Not to mention my wife is very sexual. Always has been. She quit initiating sex and when I ask she is never in the mood. That was very odd. Eventually, I quit trying. I just thought, with all the pandemic crap and everything else, she was just very stressed and it was getting to her. I started trying harder to make her happy. Nothing ever worked.
Last weekend, my oldest had a softball game. So, I get everything ready and we go. During the game, I wanted to take a video for my mom and dad since they live in another state and don't get to see my daughters that often. I forgot my phone so I asked my wife if I could see hers. She had been attached to it all day so it would be good for her to get off it. Anyway, she hands it to me and says she is going to get a drink and a snack. She gets up. I video my daughter when a message comes up on some app. I check and I cant even fathom what I see. My wife and this guy from her work, who is 8 years younger, are sexting and sending videos and pics. Talking about how great the sex was and then me. He is saying how I am some wimp who can't get a real job taking care of his women and my wife agrees with him. I couldn't believe this shit I saw. I was so devastated and angry all at the same time. I heard my wife coming back, so I closed the app and started videoing. On the ride home and when we get home, my wife tries to talk to me and I am not in the mood. Eventually, we lay in bed and, for the first time, I guess they hadn't met in a while, tried to have sex. I tell her I am not in a mood. She says, "If you are going to be a bitch about everything, you can sleep on the couch". I got up and went to the couch and now have been here since.
I don't know how to move forward with this. I really just don't know where to start. My wife was my everything, my girls are my world, and all of that is dying.
Any advice would be wonderful as I really fucking need it.
TL;DR
Wife and I met in college and got married. Her dad died and she took over the family business. I became a stay at home dad and she is cheating on me.
Edit: Should have mentioned I did send screenshots of the conversation to my phones. I do have the evidence.
&nbsp;
[Update 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ylat4t/caught_my_wife_of_13_years_cheating_with_a/) *posted on November 3, 2022*
**Caught my wife, of 13 years, cheating with a co-worker UPDATE**
Hey everyone, I want to thank you all for the advice you all game. First off I do have the text, pics, videos and everything. Second, I don't any of the company. It is 50/50 between her and my mother-in-law. Third, I can't sleep in the bed. I have been sleeping the guest bedroom every night and that is where I will be staying. To answer, I have decided to divorce her.
Anyway this morning I called a firm in another town to avoid anyone finding out. Thankfully there were able to get me in this morning as someone had cancelled. After dropping off my girls I drove over there. To make a long story short, he is a very good lawyer. I showed him what I had. He said that luckily for me with the evidence I have she will be pretty much screwed in the divorce. Seeing as I quit my job to raise our girls, she is never home, she is having an affair, prioritizes this man over me and my girls, she will lose very easily. He basically said we will get child support, alimony, I will keep the house and she we will have to pay for it as long as my girls live there. Also, he stated that we could even try for more money since I am considered "no longer viable in the working world" to help me pay for more education to get a job. Some of you were right. He said to not work until after the divorce is over. He said since you are the husband if you have a job you can lose a lot of this.
He asked if I wanted full custody? I said that I don't mind my wife seeing her girls on the weekends every once in a while, but I would wont mostly full custody. He said since she had an affair in the marital home I can basically do what I want. Since he stated bringing over a strange man over to the house put the girls in danger and makes her guilty. So, I will be going for full custody where she can get weekends once maybe twice a month. No man will be allowed around my girls and if there are she could face problems by me if I find out. I just don't want that POS around my girls. He eventually said to keep quiet until the draft are ready and then he will issue someone to serve her and have it issued that she is required to leave the home. He said he should have it done sometime next week.
He asked me to just keep quiet. He said I know it is hard and you are upset but just shut the hell up until everything is done. Once the divorce is over you can say whatever the hell you want about her, but until then keep your mouth shut. He said act as normal. He said, no fights, no issues, sleep in separate bed, and no sex. I said no problem but why? He said trust me just don't do it and do as I say.
I just got home and have started getting ready for dinner and acting and being normal. I will be acting as if everything is okay until she is served next week. As I can only make two updates, yes I actually read the rules, on here any more will be on my page if anyone cares.
Thank you all for the advice and some very harsh words. And to the one guy who asked for my wives nudes. Just no. It seems all you have to do is ask her and she will send them so it isn't that hard it appears.
Quick Edit: He recommended I get an STD test. Plus, a DNA test on my girls. When I asked why he said, "It is pretty rare incident's like this are the first time they have happened". So, yeah that fucking hurt to here and scared the hell out of me.
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[Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwAway_SAHDplease/comments/yuhgkw/caught_my_wife_of_13_years_cheating_with_a/) *posted on November 13, 2022*
**Caught my wife, of 13 years, cheating with a co-worker UPDATE 2**
Hey everyone, I just want to thank you to all who sent me good messages over this period. I have been feeling down and things have been rough. To preface, I have talked to my lawyer about these post. I didn't go into too much detail. They did tell me though as long as I keep them brief and not super specific that I can post, but I just have to be careful about what I put on to not lead too many details. That is that. So, for quick update, like I said will be brief and not too specific for legal reasons.
We will start with the test. I was able to get an STD on myself and a paternity test on my girls. I came out that I thankfully have no disease and I am clear. Since I have been pretty much sexless from her for the last year, I wasn't all that surprised. Now for the one that I am sure most of you are wondering. The test on my two girls. Am I the dad? I will always be their dad regardless of the results. However, I am here to say that, YES, I AM THEIR BIOLOGICAL FATHER!!!!! I have never been so happy to know that I am their dad. Never thought I would have to question it, but here we are.
As for what has happened with by stbx. Well she is out of the house and I have been granted full temporary custody. In the future, may be a while, I will go into more specific details. However, for now she is out of the house. My lawyer set everything up for me to get my girls and make sure that we legally handled her being removed from the home. It wasn't pretty, but details for another time. She was served at work, and from what I know it wasn't pretty. Like I said though, details for another time.
My girls know what is going on. My oldest knows we are separating, and one of her friends parents split for the same reason. She has seen what happened with her friend and doesn't want us to split. She has been crying for me to let mommy come home. I will be getting them in with a child therapist to explain and help them understand from direction of my lawyer. My youngest just wants mommy to come home and misses her. It kills me and makes me feel like a terrible father, and they probably hate me now. Sometimes I think I should just let their mother cheat on me to keep the family unit to make my girls happy. I just cant do that. Sometimes I think about talking about allowing an open relationship and we can just wait till the girls are older, but that wont work for me. Plus, I know the girls will pick up on it and will not like it that mommy and daddy don't love each other.
As for my ex, she is living with her mother at this point. My mother-in-law has called me and asked to meet. I agreed and we will meeting at some point. She didn't ask for details, as she said we will talk later, but begged me not to take her granddaughters away from her. I said you are a great and loving grandmother and as long as you can separate my girls from what is going on between your daughter and I, I see no issue with you being able to see them; and I will not take them out of your life. She thanked me and that is it.
My ex has been trying to call me and text me trying to "figure out us". Under direction of my lawyer he has had it setup so that I can talk to her through a trackable method and it is purely about the girls. No more no less. So, that is it for now. Will probably keep updating and once this is all over with I will make one big update for all the details I have to be careful about as of now.
Thank you.
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[Update 3](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwAway_SAHDplease/comments/z5l7ai/caught_my_wife_of_13_years_cheating_with_a/) *posted on November 27, 2022*
**Caught my wife, of 13 years, cheating with a co-worker UPDATE 3**
Hey everyone, I though I would give everyone a small update on some stuff that has happened.
So first off, I had Thanksgiving with my STBX and MIL. I did this purely for the girls and made sure with my lawyer this was only about the girls and not about reconciliation. That was taken care of.
First I have met with my MIL pre-thanksgiving. We met and had a pretty mutual discussion. Mainly just things about how we will handle my daughters after. My MIL did tell me some stuff about my STBX. I guess my STBX was cheated on by her HS BF. Didn't even know she dated anyone. I guess this guy came form one of "those families" according to my MIL and they told her to avoid him. Well I guess one night she caught him with his head under another girls dress and tongue deep in a girls jewelry box. Why my MIL couldn't believe she would do this. She had a couple bf they met in college but she knew they wouldn't last. She said that as soon as she met me she found her son-in-law. Says she is so sorry for her daughters actions and will make sure that she doesn't try to do anything problematic with the divorce.
Anyway a couple days before Thanksgiving my MIL asked for me to come over for dinner with the girls. I said will she be there? She said yes. I said I can't with her there. She said she understands but asked if we could put on the holiday one more time for the girls. She said I know you have a lawyer. Ask them and if they said it is a bad idea I get it. I did, and they said tell your wife via the app this is purely for the girls to avoid any confusion. So, I did. She had contacted me before about coming over. She has been begging me to see me and the girls. The girls have been begging me to see their mom. I swallowed my pride for my girls and we went.
It was awkward. My STBX gave our daughters a hug, fine, then tried to hug and kiss me. I just avoided her and went to give my MIL a hug. My STBX tried to act like husband and wife and was trying to talk to me. I answered with yes and no's and helped my MIL finished dinner and clean up. My MIL is religious and wanted to do a prayer and my STBX sat next to me. I held my daughters hand my wife tried to grab mine I pulled away. I know it may seem petty but I don't want her touching me. I am an atheist but out of respect for my MIL I go along with it. Dinner was fine. Again STBX trying to act like we are going to be married and asking about Christmas and vacations I guess she wants to take with us as a family. When she mentioned this stuff I knew going over was a mistake. We finished dinner and I pretty much got up, cleaned my daughters and I dishes then was ready to go. My daughters wanted to watch a movie with their mother we always watch. I let them and my STBX tried to cuddle next to me on the couch. I sat in the chair after that. My MIL was very mad at my STBX the whole night for how she acted. I could tell by the looks she gave her. Movie ended and we started to leave. My daughter's fell asleep so I carried them to the car. Went in grab something and my STBX grabbed me in tears begging to work on things and that she wants to be a family and is so sorry for what happened. Before I could say anything my MIL grabbed her by the hair, not joking, yanked her told me goodnight and began yelling at her daughter.
So, yeah. told my lawyer everything and said nothing indicated reconciliation and you made that clear in your messages. You are fine. Wife once again calling and begging now to work on us. She gets left on read. I will only talk about the girls and I am sure they are going to want to do the same for Christmas. I don't know if I can or if it is okay. Once again I will discuss with my lawyer.
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[Update 4](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwAway_SAHDplease/comments/zbcb4z/caught_my_wife_of_13_years_cheating_with_a/) *posted on December 3, 2022*
**Caught my wife, of 13 years, cheating with a co-worker UPDATE 4**
This will not be long, but things have gotten very bad for my girls.
Basically my girls had two sessions this week with their therapist. The first one was good. My girls came out what seemed to be more a peace and calmer than usual. I talked to the therapist after and she seemed to be very good and understand my girls well. So, I took them to their second one and SHIT IS COMPLETLEY FUCKED. Basically the therapist explained, in age appropriate terms, that the reason me and their mother is separating that their mother cheated, had an affair, and betrayed me. I knew eventually she would, but I didn't think it would happen this soon.
I went to get my girls and basically it was a burst of tears and them climbing all over me and giving me hugs crying saying they love me. I am happy they love me but this is not what I wanted to happen with my girls. I asked the therapist why did she tell them. She said the girls knew you two are separating, and the girls noticed you seemed to be really mean and unloving with their mother. Your girls aren't stupid, she told me, they know how you are and they know how you treat their mom. They wanted to know why you are separating. I tried to walk around it the best I could, she said, but the girls are not going to progress in therapy if we don't tell them. I am not going to go into detail on what exactly she said to them, but it was age appropriate. But they know the age appropriate version of their mother being unfaithful. I think my oldest could maybe handle this and be okay, but not my youngest. So, we get home and my girls wont let go of me. They are literally crying the whole night, so I order in food, I put in their favorite movies in my bedroom, and we laid there all night. They fell asleep and I went to the bathroom and just cried. My stbx doesn't even realize the pain she is causing our girls.
I don't know how I am going to deal with this. The therapist told me we could try medication for a bit till they get used to the new normal. I refused to do so, which she supported and said it was just an option, as I am not drugging them. Disclaimer, she cannot give the drugs, she said they would need to see their primary and they would probably diagnose my girls with something that would allow them to medicate them. I would rather deal with my daughters emotions the healthy way.
I wont have to worry about Christmas as my daughters hate their mother now. How I know? My oldest said she never want to see her mom again. My youngest follows what her older sister says, even though she may actually agree. I was shocked. I said, you don't hate her, you may be mad but you don't hate her. She loves and cares about you. My oldest just said no she doesn't and then just cried into my arms until she fell asleep and so did my youngest.
So, this is my life now.
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**Reminder - I am not the OP** | 7,313 | 2022-12-10T18:06:30 | OOP's wife of 13 years cheated on him with a co-worker | ONGOING | Shelly_895 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zhz39e/oops_wife_of_13_years_cheated_on_him_with_a/ | false | false | [
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zi0z4p | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-10T19:23:30 | OOP introduces her boyfriend’s parents to her 4yo for the first time, as “Grandma and Grandpa” | CONCLUDED | LaetiHelianthus | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zi0z4p/oop_introduces_her_boyfriends_parents_to_her_4yo/ | false | false | [
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zi12so | Originally posted by u/i_am_tired_throwaway in r/AmItheAsshole on Nov 20, '22, updated Dec 2nd.
Trigger Warning: >!drug addiction!<
[Original post ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z0ea7o/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_for_my_brothers_fishing/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
AITA for refusing to pay for my brother’s fishing supplies that I broke?
My [22F] grandparents died when I was young, and my mom inherited the house. She never sold it, and likes to use it for holiday celebrations. My brother [24M], Sam, and I have full access to the house. Sam uses it often and doesn’t treat it well. This upsets mom because she wants it to be clean for the holidays, yet she doesn’t take away his keys, and she always expects me to help her clean the mess because she knows Sam won’t.
So, I came to town with my new kitten yesterday, and was planning to stay at my grandparent’s house. I was told that there may be some fishing gear out, but overall, it’s clean. I walked into the house, and it was so bad that the only safe place for me to leave the cat unattended was a bathroom. It was disgusting. There was rotting meat, maggots, mold, mud, open beer cans everywhere, fishing hooks on the carpet, plus a pile of like 20 fishing rods thrown on the floor. There was more, but it's hard to describe how bad it was with just words alone.
I called my mom crying, because I had nowhere else to stay since they had guests staying in my bedroom. My options were to figure something out there or drive hours back to my apartment. My mom told me to just clean it up enough so that it would be safe for my cat to be there, and to just throw any of Sam's stuff into the garage. She said that we were going to have to clean it up anyways so might as well just start now. So, I did, even though I was upset with the fact that I was once again expected to clean up Sam's mess for him. While cleaning, I put his pile of fishing rods into the garage like my mom said.
Earlier today he came over here to get something for his next fishing trip, and I guess 2 of his rods that I moved broke. I don’t know how because he wouldn’t show me, but he started demanding that I pay him $150 for replacements because I was the one that moved them. I refused and told him he has no business treating the house the way he does. I essentially said that I’m sorry his rods broke and I didn't mean to damage anything but if he wouldn’t have left them out like he did this wouldn’t be an issue. I showed him pictures of the rat shit, mold, and maggots that I had to clean up just so my cat wouldn’t eat it and get sick. He had lied and said that the house was pretty much clean, and since he didn’t clean it up himself then this is what he gets. Now he refuses to speak to me until I pay him, and calls me an asshole for refusing to.
My mom is trying to stay out of it but suggested I just pay him so we can have a peaceful Thanksgiving. My dad is on my side. My brother’s girlfriend texted me basically saying that I’m an asshole because it’s easier for me to afford $150 than it is for him. In response I sent her photos of everything I had to clean up, and she left me on read. At first I was sure of my stance but now I’m not sure and was hoping to get some outside input. AITA?
Update:
Thanks for all of the responses. Turns out what really happened was that Sam's girlfriend ended up not seeing the rods where I put them and stepped on them. She didn't tell Sam this until later today after she texted me and I didn't respond how she hoped. Currently Sam and his gf are here but downstairs fighting about who-knows-what. He's apparently going to be helping to clean out the garage, so we'll see how that goes.
Like I mentioned, I cleaned up the house yesterday enough so that my cat wouldn't get into anything that would make her sick or injure her, but there's still a lot of work to do before the house is fit to have company over. So my mom came in earlier, saw the state of the house, and started crying. I didn't mention this in the post but my mom inherited the house jointly with my aunt who lives on the other side of the state. My aunt will flip out if she sees what Sam did to it, which adds an extra layer of pressure on my mom to get it clean. The only thing my mom said when she walked in was that she's stressed about all the stuff she has to do to prepare for Thanksgiving, and then she just stopped speaking altogether. I tried to talk to her but she just ignored me. Now she's just in the kitchen trying to make it look presentable.
Not much else to say, everyone is currently to stressed out with other stuff to speak to me at the moment so I'm just in the corner on my laptop with my cat pretending to do homework. Not sure what's going to happen next but I'll keep y'all updated on if anything else of interest happens.
Final update:
Well, I told my aunt about everything, and now she's pushing to sell the house. She says that she does not want to pay expenses on a house that a 20-something-year-old is just going to trash. So yeah, that's that I guess.
As for my brother, well... there's a lot more to his story than I initially realized. That's out of the realm of this sub.
[1st Update Dec 2nd](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/zb3m50/i_22f_found_out_my_brother_24f_is_doing_drugs/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
I [22F] found out my brother [24F] is doing drugs.
I have a brother, Sam. I don't know if it's true to say that I've always had issues with him, because in reality my parents (moreso my mother) are the ones who've enabled him for so long. They've always cleaned up his messes for him or made me do it, but he's never really had to take responsibility for himself.
Me and my dad have always thought he's had at least a minor issue with alcohol, but on Thanksgiving he told me about his drug use and how he does pills and coke. Apparently he's been into it since high school. He also talked about some dangerous situations he's been in as a result of his drug and alcohol use, which I don't want to go into detail about in this sub, but he could get in legal trouble or worse as a result.
I'm not close to my brother but I still care about him, and after finding out about this I've been an anxious mess. I don't know how to cope with this. I feel like telling my parents would either result in them enabling the behavior more or kicking him out on the street, and both options could very well make the situation worse. I was originally planning to go low contact with my family before learning this, but now I'm just scared. Right now I'm just looking for outside opinions and advice.
[2nd Update Dec 2nd](https://www.reddit.com/user/i_am_tired_throwaway/comments/zb5x1p/some_updates/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
Some updates
My original plan for this account was going to be just to post my original AITA post and then permanently log out of it, but since then a lot has happened. Many people have reached out wanting updates, and I figured out that I'm struggling with everything and desperately need to get things off my chest more than I thought. So.... I'll be staying on this account for a while. I don't expect that a lot of people will read this, and I'm writing this out more for myself than anyone else, but in case anyone else is reading this... hello! Feel free to comment, share your thoughts, offer advice, anything.
Before I go into things more, I want to put out a massive TRIGGER WARNING. Drugs, alcohol, DUI, and potentially other triggering topics will be discussed.
First of all, I want to talk a bit more about my family. My [22F] brother, Sam [24M], has displayed problematic behaviors since he was young. I don't know if it's true to say that I've always had issues with him because in reality my parents (moreso my mother) are the ones who've enabled him for so long. As of right now though, I cannot stand his behavior. In essence, he's never had to really clean up his own messes, whether that be literally or metaphorically. Growing up I was the one who would have to clean up a lot of our shared areas, because he would throw a tantrum over it and I wouldn't, and my mom didn't want to listen to him scream - yet she'd say it was equal because he would do other things. He almost failed out of high school, but to prevent this my mom made me do a lot of his homework and even online classes sometimes just so he would get his diploma. While I was busy doing both his homework and my own, he was out fishing with friends. He was at fault for 3 car accidents before my parents stopped buying him replacement cars and paying for his insurance. He also managed to gain around $30,000 worth of credit card debt on one of my parents' cards (as an adult) yet even though they're still struggling to pay it off, they aren't making him pay a thing. And to this day, he lives rent-free with my parents while he works and attends trade school, and I know for a fact that they're still cleaning up after him in more ways than one.
So for a long time I've been expected to help clean up after him. The AITA post is just the most recent example of it.
This wasn't anything out of the ordinary. This has become a pattern over the past few years - he trashes that house and my mom expects me to help her clean it up for holidays. He sometimes will reorganize his fishing gear in the garage or move it to another room and my mom considers that as him "helping us clean". But this year, with the situation in that post, it was the worst he's ever trashed that house.
After that, I really tried to convince my mom that he's never going to respect the place and she should take away his access to the house. At first she seemed like she was on board, but later she backtracked and said that she doesn't want to stop giving Sam the benefit of the doubt. In that moment it was clear to me that she's never going to stop letting him get away with everything. I had been considering going low contact with my family when I move within a month or two but this kinda sealed the deal for me.
At this point with my mom's stress level, my aunt knew something was up. She asked me about it and then I told her about how badly Sam trashed the place. At first she was absolutely pissed, said that she does not want to pay expenses on a house that a 20-something-year-old is just going to trash. Then she started pushing to sell the house. That did not last long though. She changed her tune for reasons unknown and says that, while it's BS that my mom expects me to clean up my brother's mess, as long as my mom cleans things up then it's fine. She said that "it's just natural for 24-year-old boys to do stuff like this."
So, Thanksgiving happens. My aunt and cousins come in, along with other family members. I had to lay down for a bit after dinner because I wasn't feeling well, but when I got back up about an hour later I went downstairs and found Sam alone with my 2 cousins, 12M and 17F. He was giving them both beer - to me it seemed like he was pressuring 17F to drink more while 12M seemed to want to do it to seem cool - but when I came down I stopped the two kids from drinking anymore regardless. He was also telling them his "life stories" and continued to talk about them while I was there. He was talking about all of the women he slept with, all the alcohol he drinks on his boat (including stories of how sometimes he gets his friends' kids drunk "but only with parental permission"), and how he does pills and cocaine. He also talks about how he goes out hunting while he's on these substances too - both with a rifle and with a crossbow. He told me about how if he takes coke after being blackout drunk, it's like a "reset button" and he's all of a sudden okay to drive. He's apparently been into this stuff since high school. Along with this he talks about many different fights that he's been in and all the different people who "recieved a beating" from him. He was just saying all this stuff plus so much more and I was honestly so shocked at some of what I was hearing, that I barely reacted at first. I offered to get him narcan to carry around with him in case him or someone he knows would need it, but he refused. He said that one of his friends has some anyways but he doesn't think he would ever need it because the stuff he gets is "pure".
At that point all I could focus on was getting my cousins out of there. Something just snapped, and I realized that Sam was saying and doing stuff that was just absolutely innapropriate that I could not possibly sit there anymore. My aunt wanted me to take them over to the other house to play with the cat, so that's what I ended up doing. When we got there I had to babysit. 12M was still buzzed and searching the house for more alcohol (I obviously wouldn't let him drink anymore) and meanwhile 17F was in the bathroom throwing up.
I later talked to 17F about the situation and what she thought. She told me how she felt like Sam was straight-up pressuring her to drink more. She'd finish one and he would just hand her another and tell her to drink more. She only wanted one but he got her to drink 3. Meanwhile, she felt that her little brother was witnessing everything and wanting to be cool and drink too. He had a can of beer and as a small, short, and skinny 12-year-old kid that was enough to make him feel something. She also said that Sam was saying that it makes him sad that he's not close to anyone in the family, and made her promise that they'll start getting close. He also talked about how he wanted to take her partying when she turns 18 soon.
Now, everything so far is a red flag, but everything involving minors is a MAJOR red flag to me. My cousins don't want to tell their mom because of separate abuse problems going on in that household (yes, CPS was involved, but no, nothing good came of it). That's a completely different story that I won't be getting into in this post. But I know one thing for sure and it's that I will do everything in my power to keep these kids away from my brother because he's putting them in danger. 17F particularly is like a little sister to me, and maybe I'm a bit too overprotective, but what business does a 24-year-old man have bringing a barely 18-year-old girl to one of these parties where there will likely be a lot of alcohol and likely drugs as well? There are so many red flags flying here and no matter what happens I do not want him to put her into any sort of bad situation.
So, uh, yeah. I'm currently at a point where I really want to just go low contact with my family, but I don't feel right about just leaving this situation be. He can end up in jail or worse. At very least I'm planning on telling my parents about the alcohol issue, and making it clear that under no circumstances are they to leave Sam alone with the kids. I've decided that sheltering them from all of this is my first priority. My parents will be pissed I'm sure but I don't think they'll actually punish him in any way. But about the drugs, I'm unsure if I'll be saying anything. I have a feeling that I know what's gonna happen if I do that. My dad will yell and scream and want to kick my brother out. My mom will yell and cry and then completely shut down and ignore the situation, probably enable it further. I could be wrong about that, but since he's a grown man there's nothing anybody else can do to get him to stop if he doesn't want to stop. The moral of the story is that if I go this route, I don't know that it would be particularly helpful and it may even make things worse. And based on past situations, I feel like my brother may deny everything, and if he does I feel like my parents would, unfortunately, believe him over me. Maybe I'm overthinking it but that's how I'm feeling.
So, what happens next? No clue. All I can say is wish me luck because I'm gonna need it.
**OOP commented on this post:**
Uhhh hi all. I was made aware of this post by a friend who sent me a screenshot saying the situation sounded similar to mine. It was a surprise to me to see how many people were commenting, especially since I didn't think anyone was going to see that long rant I posted. I appreciate the comments and advice. Some of the stuff wasn't pleasant to read but I think I needed to hear it.
I'll try to respond to some of the comments, but I just wanted to clear some stuff up.
1. My cousins are currently safe from Sam. They left the day after Thanksgiving. They live about 8 hours away, so they're nowhere near him. They only see him on Thanksgiving and Easter, which is part of the reason I haven't said anything to my family yet.
2. Me and my cat are also safe from Sam at the moment. We left right after my cousins did, and we also live hours away.
3. I mentioned that I plan to make it clear to my mom that under no circumstances should my brother be alone with the cousins. I talked this out with my therapist. She agrees with my conclusion there. However, she suggested that I take a break from the situation, as she was worried about my physical and mental well-being. She stressed that it's important to take action here but considering that my cousins aren't currently accessible by him, it's okay to give myself a break. I think I'm going to talk to her today, at least about the alcohol.
4. I wanted to stress this. Telling my aunt and uncle isn't an option. There are separate abuse issues going on in that household, and letting them know about this will only make it worse. If I tell them, they will blame the children, as fucked up as that is. That would potentially put them in a harmful situation. Yes, CPS has been involved more than once. No, they haven't done anything about it. It's a complicated situation, and all I can say that the system is broken, particularly so in the area that they live.
[Dec 11th update](https://www.reddit.com/user/i_am_tired_throwaway/comments/zj34q7/update_i_told_my_mom/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
UPDATE: I told my mom.
Uhh... hey guys. I commented some of this stuff on that r/BestofRedditorUpdates post, but I wanted to do a more detailed update over here. I was made aware of that post by a friend who sent me a screenshot saying the situation sounded similar to mine. I was surprised by all the interaction the post was getting.
First of all, I wanted to clear some stuff up. My cousins are currently safe from Sam. They left the day after Thanksgiving. They live about 8 hours away, so they're nowhere near him, and won't be seeing him until Easter - maybe not even then due to recent developments. I'm also hours away (with my cat - mentioning since some people DMed and commented concerned about Sam being near the cat), so I'm not in any immediate danger.
As for everyone saying that I need to tell my cousin's parents, I want to stress this. Telling my aunt and uncle isn't an option. There are separate abuse issues going on in that household, and letting them know about this will only make it worse. If I tell them, they will blame the children, as fucked up as that is. That would potentially put them in a harmful situation. Yes, CPS has been involved more than once. No, they haven't done anything about it. It's a complicated situation and all I can say is that the system is broken, particularly so in the area where they live. I and many others, including other family members, therapists, and teachers have trying to help my cousins with the situation they're in since I myself was 16 or 17 years old. After years of trying to get something to change, I and the others involved have come to the conclusion that the best thing for me to do is to just be there for the kids, call 911 if I become aware of something immediate happening, and make sure they know that they can move in with me if they ever feel the need to do so.
So, on to the update. I saw the post last night and read all the comments. Some were very helpful, some were just flat-out horrible and targeted at either me or my brother, and others were just blunt. I broke down at first, but let everything process. In that time I realized that, yeah, I'm at least partially part of the problem too. The fact is that I've been taught and conditioned to enable my brother's behavior my whole life. Right now by not saying anything to my parents and running away from it, maybe I'm enabling it too. It's not my fault that I've been essentially trained to think and act this way in the face of situations like this. But at the same time, I'm an adult now, and it is my responsibility to break the cycle and not be part of the problem. It may take me a while to figure it out but I will try my best.
So, this morning I called my mom. I told her everything that happened and made it VERY clear that Sam needs to be kept away from the kids. I told her that I will do everything in my power to make sure those kids are safe from him, and she should be doing the same. She agreed. She was very disturbed by everything involving my cousins. She also acknowledged that we can't tell my aunt due to the abuse situation mentioned above, but said she's going to do everything she can to keep them away. That may mean we spend holidays at my aunt's house without Sam, and at least make my aunt aware that Sam may be trying to talk to the kids so she will monitor what's going on. (Background: My aunt reads all of the kids' messages and dictates who they talk to, and is currently afraid that my brother will influence one of them into going to trade school, which for whatever reason is something she sees as horrible. If she sees any texts outside of "hey how are you doing?"/"Happy birthday"/"Merry Christmas!" from him, she'll probably block the number.)
As for the whole drugs and drinking problem thing? Well... she was surprisingly calm about it. When I was first hearing about this stuff, I was shocked and barely reacted at first. I'm sure I seemed calm from the outside too. She may have been just reacting in the same way. But, I don't know, I have a gut feeling that says she knew something before I told her. I don't know if maybe she had her suspicions, or if maybe someone else had said something. But part of me really thinks she knew something beforehand.
Now, what's gonna happen next? Not sure. My mom said she'll talk to Sam today when he gets back from fishing. Not sure how that's going to go but I'm sure I'll need to rant about it later.
Thanks for the advice from everyone. If you have any more advice, insight, or resources, feel free to leave them below. Thank you especially to those who recommended looking into Al-Anon. I think I'm going to attend a session. | 2,864 | 2022-12-10T19:27:47 | OP's Brother Keeps Trashing The Family Home (AITA Dec 2, '22) | ONGOING | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zi12so/ops_brother_keeps_trashing_the_family_home_aita/ | false | false | [
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zi201l | *\*\*I am NOT OOP. Original post by* [*u/Ok\_Presentation6495*](https://www.reddit.com/user/Ok_Presentation6495/) *in* [*r/relationship\_advice*](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/)
&#x200B;
*Trigger warnings:* >!abuse, love-bombing!<
*Mood spoilers:* >!hopeful!<
&#x200B;
# The guy I’m dating slapped me during sex and I don’t know how to feel about it. [[LINK - RA](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/yxmaem/the_guy_im_dating_slapped_me_during_sex_and_i/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)] - November 17, 2022
&#x200B;
So I (23f) started seeing a guy (44m) last month. I should also mention this is my first ever relationship. After the third time of meeting he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. We’d spoken about the stuff we’re into and I’d said that pain wasn’t really something that turned me on, he seemed accepting of this but the last few times we’ve met up he’s started to bite me down there/on my thighs and then last time we met he slapped me across the face. I was in shock and didn’t know what to do.
I’m not sure how to deal with this. I know that I don’t like this stuff but out of the bedroom he’s really lovely. I think everything has moved too fast and he’s taking advantage of the fact I’ve never been a relationship before but also I don’t know if I’m just overthinking this all.
Apologies for the rambling and if this doesn’t make sense, I just don’t know how to process this.
&#x200B;
[*Relevant comment thread:*](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/yxmaem/comment/iwpyu4p/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
&#x200B;
>No he's not lovely outside of the bedroom. He's manipulating you and the manipulation tactics that he's using is called "love bombing". [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love\_bombing](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_bombing)The way you deal with this is to immediately break up. Do not break up alone with him, do it in a coffee shop or somewhere public or even over text, he's not safe.
>
>For reference in future relationships, the minute someone breaks your boundaries after they were clearly established, you break up. Also you don't need the permission of the other person to break up, you just inform them that the relationship is over and they don't have to agree for it to be over, if it's over for one of the people in the relationship, then the relationship ended.
>
>\[OOP\] Thank you - I think I’m just overwhelmed because I’ve always known about manipulation and love bombing tactics etc. I’ve always been the first person to tell friends and other people to leave these situations and so now feel completely lost because I’ve found myself in this situation. I know that probably sounds ridiculous but I think I’ve gaslit myself into thinking I was overthinking/overreacting to it all. I’m not sure if that makes sense?
>
>You’re not sounding ridiculous. It’s so much easier to see these things clearly when you’re not in it. The saying “love is blind” is popular for a reason (and it’s not because of the tv show). When you care about someone, you don’t want to see the bad things, so you end up accidentally blocking it out or reasoning away why they are bad for you.
>
>Don’t be so hard on yourself. We all have to learn and we all have to have our hearts broken every once in a while. It’s life. Now that you’re starting to see things, I hope you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and walk away from him with your head held high. You know you deserve better than this. Don’t settle for less than you deserve.
>
>\[OOP\] Thank you so much. I think I’ve known what I’ve wanted to do about this for a while but needed that reassurance I wasn’t overreacting or being difficult (you should be able to see why in my edit). I really appreciate this x
&#x200B;
&#x200B;
# UPDATE: The guy I’m dating slapped me during sex and I don’t know how I feel about it [[Link - RA](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/z23saw/update_the_guy_im_dating_slapped_me_during_sex/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)] - November 22, 2022
&#x200B;
Hi, it’s been a few days since I posted my previous post and just wanted to give an update.
I broke it off. I think if you read my comments on the post you’d have seen that I’d already kind of made my mind up about the situation I think I just needed someone to validate that I wasn’t overreacting. A lot of other thoughts and feelings I’d been having bubbled up to the surface after I posted and I realised that this really wasn’t the direction I wanted to be going with this relationship.
He took it surprisingly well (though there were a few comments made that weren’t amazing but nothing awful) which then made me think I hadn’t done the right thing but it’s been a couple of days since we last spoke and tbh I’ve realised I don’t miss him as much as I thought I would so know I’ve definitely made the right decision.
Thank you to all the commenters both negative and positive - it made me realise a lot. ♥️
&#x200B;
&#x200B;
*\*\*Reminder - I am not the original poster* | 2,338 | 2022-12-10T20:04:20 | Guy OOP is dating slapped her during sex and she doesn’t know how to feel about it | CONCLUDED | ShakeThatTushy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zi201l/guy_oop_is_dating_slapped_her_during_sex_and_she/ | false | false | [
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zi2kei | *\*\*I am NOT OOP. Original post by* [*u/Key\_Spirit6470*](https://www.reddit.com/user/Key_Spirit6470/) *in* [*r/relationship\_advice*](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/) *and* [*r/pregnant*](https://www.reddit.com/r/pregnant/)
&#x200B;
*Trigger warnings:* >!demands husband stitch, possible gaslighting!<
*Mood spoilers:* >!distressing, OOP chooses to stay with the husband!<
*For those who may not know: "HG" is* [*Hyperemesis gravidarum, a rare disorder characterized by severe and persistent nausea and vomiting during pregnancy that may necessitate hospitalization.*](https://rarediseases.org/rare-diseases/hyperemesis-gravidarum/) *and the "Extra stitches" he wants is a* [*husband stitch*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Husband_stitch)
&#x200B;
# My (25f) husband (26m) made a joke about my pregnancy and I don't know how to resolve this argument. [[LINK - RA](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ypqgfa/comment/ivloyaf/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)] - November 8, 2022
&#x200B;
I (25f) just recently(ish) found out that I'm pregnant with our first child. My husband (26m) has been mostly supportive, bringing me food that I'm craving and helping me with doctor's appointments. However, this pregnancy has become very complicated, as I have been diagnosed with HG. I am also extremely emetophobic. I have been having extreme panic attacks and emotional outbursts, and I feel like I'm going crazy. No treatments, either prescribed or homemade, are really working and I can't sleep/eat/etc.
On Saturday, we got into a fight over me having an emotional outburst (crying, and my husband yelled that he "better be getting some extra stitches for putting up with this sh\*t". As in, he wanted the doctor to put in extra stitches after I deliver our child. I yelled at him to get out of our room and locked him out. He knocked on the door to be let in, because he needed to brush his teeth in our bathroom, but I slid it under the door and told him to leave me alone. It was a couple of hours before I let him back in, but after I did, he told me that I was being dramatic, and won't really speak to me except in passive-aggressive comments.
I don't know how to communicate why his comment hurt so much, and how to process this change in our relationship. I've tried to tell him that it hurt and apologize, but he refuses to speak in more than 3-word, sharp sentences. Does anyone have any advice or experience with this? Thank you.
tl,dr: I had a panic attack and my husband made a joke, so I locked him out of our room. After I let him back in, he won't speak to me and I don't know how to communicate through this with him.
Edit: Sorry, I should have been more clear. My emotional outbursts are normally crying because I know I'm about to throw up and sometimes suddenly sobbing because I'm worn out due to hunger or insomnia. I don't really start screaming in anger, mainly just sobbing and yelling that I'm scared because I know I'm about to throw up.
&#x200B;
# Update: My (25f) husband (26m) made a joke about my pregnancy and I don't know how to resolve this argument. [[Link - RA](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/yw580c/update_my_25f_husband_26m_made_a_joke_about_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)] - November 22, 2022
&#x200B;
As stated in the original, I do have HG and this pregnancy had been extremely difficult, especially for only being 13 weeks along.
As a commenter suggested, I offered to get some Chinese takeout and we ate soup on the couch while watching one of our favorite movies. We discussed it, and he apologized for his statement.
Over the weekend, I had to go to the ER for losing weight and malnutrition/dehydration, and it was incredibly scary. I live in a state where I have to treat the symptoms despite the difficulty of the pregnancy, and luckily, my ~~baby~~ babies and I are okay. I was released after a drip/tube and some check-ups, and I was very hungry and craving some of my food that doesn't cause me much nausea.
My husband texted me, asking if he could pick up some food on the way home so I could have something soothing to eat, and I said yes. He asked me what I would like, and I said some chicken pho, since I have been eating a LOT of bone broth and pho chicken. The flavors are soothing and not too harsh on my sense of smell and stomach, so I can normally eat them without immediately vomiting. He agreed, and said he was looking forward to shrimp summer rolls as well. My husband knows that soups are much easier for me, however when I came home, there was no pho, Instead, there was a cornucopia of Taco Bell on the table.
Almost immediately, I ran to the sink and vomited, and my husband came up from the table. He asked me what happened in the hospital and why it wasn't helping nausea. I tried to explain to him that the fast food smell was what triggered it. He started getting upset and asked while I was being ungrateful, he wanted to get me food that would make me gain weight. He accused me of purposefully trying to lose weight with "healthier foods", and I decided to leave. I went back out and got myself some bone broth, and when I came back, the food bags + leftovers were put into the trash in the kitchen, instead of the trash in the garage (which I had asked him to do when I left).
I am so tired of being ignored and treated like I am crazy. I've tried to communicate this but it keeps on happening. The panic attacks are only getting worse because of the stress, and I feel like I genuinely am going crazy. How can I show him that this is not helping?
tl;dr: I had to go to the ER for my HG and instead of coming home to the food my husband offered to pick up, he brought home some high-calorie foods that caused me to vomit, so I walked out. This ensued a fight.
**Edit:** After some comments suggesting it, I will be staying with my twin sister from Thursday night to Monday evening. I don't have a relationship with my parents, so that is not an option, and my twin can only do days when she will be home. She does not feel comfortable leaving me home alone when I am so sick. However, since she and my other sister will be at our house for Thanksgiving, they will discuss arrangements then. My husband and I also have an appointment for couples counseling next Saturday, since my twin happens to know \*everybody\*.
**Edit2 (some important context, based off of a comment I got):** I have been sick before, and my husband would take care of me. I got COVID earlier this year, and I have chronic supraventricular tachycardia so it hit me pretty bad. He did help with that, and would bring me (ironically) chicken pho a lot, and took some time off of work to make sure I was safe. And yes, he's very stressed about the pregnancy. When I first got diagnosed with HG, he started crying because he was worried about the health of myself and the baby. Because we live in an area where terminating the pregnancy is not an option, we knew that my life could be at risk. He made emergency plans with his family in New York to stay there if we needed to terminate and our state would take too long to procedurally allow it. He's been reading a lot of articles on the symptoms and what this could mean. We have really wanted this baby, but worse comes to worst, we do have a plan. He's been home more, but will excuse himself to call his parents or sister, and sometimes I do hear him crying. I don't blame him at all. He's been arranging a baby shower with his sister (I'm not supposed to know lol, shhhhhh) and looking at baby names (we think its a girl, and we have a short list for both genders). So yes, I have seen his stressed, and he definitely is, but he also seems very excited about the baby.
**Edit3:** Guess who just found out at her appointment today it's actually *babies*. I'm pregnant with twins :p Due date is May 30th! <3
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# Positive UPDATE on: My (25f) husband (26m) made a joke about my pregnancy and I don't know how to resolve this argument. [[Link - r/pregnant](https://www.reddit.com/r/pregnant/comments/z7375c/positive_update_on_my_25f_husband_26m_made_a_joke/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)] - November 28, 2022
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Hey, y'all! After a lot of advice in my previous post about my husband, we started couples counseling and I can say that after one session, there's been significant improvement. I know y'all were concerned, but some of the advice really helped!
First off, we found out that we're pregnant with fraternal twins about 2 weeks ago, and after our first counseling session, we went to our 14-week ultrasound appointment. And... we're having girls! We chose our names last night over a game of Uno and some chicken enchilada soup, and since I can't tell my family, I'd love to tell you guys...
We decided on Eden Maribelle and Hazel ("Hattie") Vivian, and they are due May 12th (due date changed since twin discovery)! We are so excited for them, and as a May baby myself, I'm so excited to have a girl-filled spring :). I'm secretly hoping that they come on Mother's day, as I did when I was born.
We talked with the help of a counselor and learned a lot about each other's feelings in this tough time. Communication was always great before the HG diagnosis and complications, so I knew we could make progress to get back to that state. I discovered that the reason he had been so hostile and closed-off is that he was worried about the pregnancy and the possibility of losing me and/or the baby. He told me that his mother had a miscarriage at around 5 months with a sister that his family was really looking forward to. Although I had heard about this miscarriage before, I was not aware of how hard it was on his family. He told me that was the primary reason that his parents divorced, and with my husband being 16 at the time, that was incredibly difficult for him. We had been dating at that point, and I knew of the divorce and of the miscarriage at the time, but we weren't really open enough to talk about the stress he was under. I've also FINALLY started a medication that works, after a lot of y'all recommended it!
Learning all of this and being able to communicate with a third party in the room was wonderful, and I am so grateful for all the advice I received recommending this! My husband promised to come for the rest of my appointments, and we are working on using "I-statements" and having productive before-bed talks. We have another counseling appointment for Friday :).
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*\*\*Reminder - I am not the original poster* | 3,308 | 2022-12-10T20:26:42 | OOP's husband makes an upsetting "joke" about her pregnancy, she seeks advice on resolving the argument | ONGOING | ShakeThatTushy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zi2kei/oops_husband_makes_an_upsetting_joke_about_her/ | false | false | [
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zi2v4p | *\*\*I am NOT OOP. Original post by* [*u/Kutayasp*](https://www.reddit.com/user/Kutayasp/) *in* [*r/relationship\_advice*](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/)
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*Trigger warnings:* >!infidelity, gaslighting!<
*Mood spoilers:* >!hopeful for OOP!<
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# My (32M) wife (28 F) has some weird texting with her cousin's friend (20M) and 4 Marriage Counselors and 3 friends of me saying that I'm right to be suspicious. But I'm torn between whether I'm accusing an innocent person here...I need help. [[LINK - RA](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xzieow/my_32m_wife_28_f_has_some_weird_texting_with_her/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)] - October 9, 2022
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I know this is a wall of text and I apologize beforehand. I am having a big problem here and I need some advice. I hope I make sense as my head is spinning right now.
So my wife and I have been together for 8 years (2 year marriage). Like any relationship we had our ups and downs but we had always respectful to each other about our private lives no jealousy no spying nothing. She was the one that healed me after my previous relationship I've been cheated on.
I'm close with her family members especially with his mother and grandmother and they love me as a son, her friends see me as a perfect husband and you could say I kinda am.
I knew this guy (let's name him Jake) and my wife had a Sister-Brother relationship started a year ago where they shared some stuff online like hardships etc and he even met me and talk to me. And of course being 8 years younger than my wife I also saw him as a little brother. Even met his parents etc.
But 2 weeks ago, when we are in our cousin's house (we visit there to buy a new house in the neighborhood and he was there too I got chills down my spine like something is wrong with this guy and just as I'm thinking it they went into a seperate room to discuss a personal matter Jake has. My mind was giving me so much alarm but I've told myself "Don't be ridiculous" BUT when they get out of the room their face was kinda red-ish, and I just thought "The room must be hot"
But of course my mind would not stop thinking about it, this was a different feeling like I trusted this girl %100 through 8 years and now my mind was not letting it go, weird I said. And I've decided that I have got to talk to my wife about this and see how she reacts. She was calm, told me things like "Are you jealous?" "He's like a brother to me" "That's funny". and when I asked can I see what he writes to you on your phone she sad ok, but immediately explained that they call theirselves "my love" sometimes as a joke. So that conversation was over. She was a little resentful after these though saying "I'm just a little irritated you can think this way"
I could still not let that go for 2 days because my gut feeling giving me so much "something is amiss" vibe here and I was feeling so bad and I had to learn more. So I read all the messages they've sent each other secretly. Weirdly at first months there are very few red flags, which I would not like but still could take a blind eye like "You're very handsome" etc and he calling my wife you're like my real sister. But as I get closer to the present I saw these messages:
w:wife, j:jake
W: "If you were younger I would totally take you as my boyfriend I swear, don't call me sister again in any case HAHA JK
\-------------
W: Sends his photo
J: Love lady, My favourite stalker ;) I'm sexy in those photos though....
W: Not just in photos my baby, you were always sexy <3 🔥
\--------------
W: I missed you sooooo muchhh, I forgot the reply to you :(
J : My love, I missed you too soo much, it's ok baby.
W: Send a pic to me I haven't seen you in a while
W: 😍 😍 😍
\---------------
W: \*Shows new haircut\* Did you like my hair? It's just as you like it :)
J: I think I'm starting to fall in love with you.
W: Ohhh 😍 😍
\-----------------
There are 2-3 more but I don't want to bore you guys, it's been a too long post already. Weird thing is after these messages there is also a "Thanks sister" message but I don't know if it's a sign of anything. Of course I've talked to her again about these conversations saying that this is flirting and she was so upset and dissappointed. Her explanation was "They are jokes and Z generation talks like that". Telling me things like "How can you think something like that?" "He's 8 years younger than me!" "I'm so dissappointed in you" etc. which in the end I end up apologizing.
And right now she went to her mother's house telling me she don't want to talk about that topic again, telling me "you were the perfect husband how can you do that to us?" but of course I'm trying to solve this going to relationship counselors etc and talking with my most trusted friends and they all say "This type of communication between big sister - little brother is soo wrong!" but it's tied to the person's character. But I never knew my wife has a habit of stretching the boundries that much. I mean she sometimes calls younger people my love etc but isn't this conversation a bit much?
The last thing she told me was "I can't help you if you're unwell like this you have to solve this by yourself"
We were sweet as hell and she was a really trustworthy person but I don't know what to make of this situation. I need some help here.
TL;DR: I saw some weird messages between my wife and her cousin's friend which is 8 years younger. They are kinda extreme in my (and all other peoples) opinion but my wife insists that I'm crazy thinking she would look at a 20 year old kid. And that they are just jokes and how Z generaton behaves.
EDIT: I lawyered up and we are getting a divorce. A lot happened since I wrote his post so I'm gonna make another post about what happened. She's still holding the idea of I "accused" her and ask for contested divorce instead of concensual for me to prove my allegations but my lawyer says the evidence is quite damning. Don't know why she did that :)
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# My [32M] wife [28 F] has some weird texting with her cousin's friend [20M] and 4 Marriage Counselors and 3 friends of me saying that I'm right to be suspicious. UPDATE [[Link - RA](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/yxrlfp/my_32m_wife_28_f_has_some_weird_texting_with_her/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)] - November 17, 2022
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This is an update post of my first post of the same [headline](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xzieow/my_32m_wife_28_f_has_some_weird_texting_with_her/), a lot of people commented and dm'd me here while I'm struggling with the issue and so I'm lucky to have you reddit people :) You can't imagine the peace you gave me being there for me. (Again sorry for the wall of text). A lot of people asked for the rest of the story in detail so I will try to write what I remember.
So, to continue the story she was at her mother's and I was home. But I had an urgent project to do at the office so I made an ultimatom saying " come to the house and let's talk, I'll be at the office for 3 days if you don't come we won't talk at all." She came, but generally she told me the same stuff like "he's too young, I didn't even considered you would think this way etc." I also asked her what if the roles were reversed and she saw me talking to a young girl like that, she told me "It's ok if she's like a sister to you, and you're close then that's normal" and I also mentioned the lipstick issue where she sulked about for 5 months and she told me "I believed you back then when you said it was a good hearthed gesture why don't you believe me now?" "If you don't trust me 8 years of relationship was for nothing. " and of course non of these statements were fitting my logic. But there were 2 VERY SEXUAL sentences in there when I mentioned those she was like "Yeah that's inappropriate I don't know why I said those stuff" with a kind of a shocked face.
At the end of the conversation, I said I have to go the office, but before I go I had to do a test: I told her I forgot something in the conversation and I wanted to look at her phone. She said ok, went to the other room, told me the phone has no battery left, took her phone to the toilet with her, came out and put her phone on charge. She was very careful and she was protecting her phone from my gaze and showed me ONLY the sentence I asked about and the pulled back the phone. She also has a password for the screenlock now which she normally doesn't have.
When I'm at the office, she sent me 2 screenshots explaining the 2 VERY SEXUAL sentences, telling me all kinds of explanations like it was an inside joke, he told me that, I told him this etc. But the thing here is that I realized she deleted some sentences even when explaining things to me. One of them was "don't call me sister in any case HAHA JK" And I calmly returned home, she has already put on her outside clothing. I thanked for the screenshots and explanations but she immediately reacted "I didn't send those pictures to further discuss this issue, I don't want to talk anymore on this" but I remained calm and said "I remember this conversation was a little bit different" "She told me "Yeah, I traveled back in time and made the conversation again" I asked "Did you delete anything when you're sending me these screenshots?" She said "Are you joking of course not! Pfft!" And I told her she deleted a sentence and a voice message. She first told me "Yeah I deleted them because I was afraid you were gonna get angry" then she got up and told me "We are divorcing anyways" and left the house.
This was the 4th time she was using the word "divorce" in a 2 year marriage. I called my parents, told them everything, they were shocked too of course and they were there for me %100 and of course the shunned the conversations between my wife and Jake. I called her mother and told her everything too and she was shocked too.
But 2 days later, her mother called me again and told me I want to have a conversation with you and my daugther. Right now I don't even know what she wanted to talk about anymore. So they came, at first it their explanations were the same, and I asked "what about the phone hiding and the password, leaving me telling me we are gonna divorce, lying to my face?", "How can I trust you after all these?" after that her mother took control of the conversation and told me these: "You nitpicked the conversation, when you look at the whole context you don't get any idea of flirting, you are like a bad journalist picking only the bad stuff in the whole conversation. I know my daugther and I'm sure she can't do something like that, but she's an idiot, she doesn't know how to talk to people and she couldn't discern between talking to a girl and a boy." She also attacked me saying "You're a bad husband also, you dont set boundries about how she should talk with other people and how free she can be, you were letting her see her male friends" I was like WTF at this moment :) Then she asked me "If you trust her I'll leave her here, if you don't I'll take my daugther with me" I told them I don't.
Lastly she (the mother) told me to call my parents, and tell them "I was wrong I nitpicked the conversation" and I called them. My father was like "What nonsense is this? That doesn't even work like that" and they left the house in a hurry as they hear my father's response.
2 days later her mother only came, gave me the ring and the key to the apartment. Asked me "I learned you got cheated on your last relationship too, did you also got suspicios for no reason on that too?" and my friend was with me told her "No he got the proof and she confessed". Then she said "There were never a disgrace like that on our virtous family for generations, I leave you to your concious. We don't want anything. We are awaiting your uncontested divorce papers."
Later I've found a lawyer, he also told me I'm %100 on the right here. Even more so legalwise. She called twice, first to tell me she changed her mind and want contested divorce telling me " You smeared me and you have to prove it" the second time asking about the divorce, I told her to talk to my lawyer. She called my lawyer asking "What evidence will you submit to the court?" and my lawyer told her "Why would I give that information to you?".
For 2-3 weeks I was really bad like don't want to do anything, but I'm ok-ish now. Last week I was 100 meters away from the bombing in İstanbul, and I got away with a last-second choice thinking I don't want to walk that way with my broken foot, and 30 second later I saw the bomb go off. That also affected my psychology a lot. Also I got Covid yesterday. So life's hitting me left and right but I'm staying strong even laughing at the series of unfortunate events :)
TL;DR: For the second part of the story things got even weirder and messier. She made mistake after mistake and both her and her mother gave me ridiculous explanations that nobody could believe. And I didn't trust her. She sent me the ring and the key telling me she wanted uncontosted divorce and doesn't want anything. But later she changed her mind telling me "You smeared my name" then asked MY LAWYER "what evidence will you submit?" trying to learn stuff.
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*A couple of OOP's many comments:*
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>[Yeah](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/yxrlfp/comment/ixec3it/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) one day when I show her the messages she was like wtf? Then after 2 days she came again she started pleading innocent and protecting her daughter.
>
>I don't even want to think what her aim was. But it was so out of line. Like today again when I was reading the convo I saw this messages haven't noticed before because there are so many:
>
>J: I'm going to fall in love with you!
>
>W: How can you use future tense!!?!
>
>J: Sorry, mixed up "am" with "going to" 😉
>
>W: Then welcome, cuz I was already love locked to you!
>
>And they still argue that it's normal...either they are crazy or gaslighting the hell out of me 😀
>
>Maybe she thought I will get somehow old in like 5-10 years and she needed young attention, or she's just insatiable when it comes to attention. Don't know at all.
>
>Whatever it is she made a mistake that ended this marriage. Whether if it's an honest mistake, carelessness, a fling, just a source to sate her ego or a narcissistic behaviour. You have to be careful if you're married, you have your responsibilities. Sometimes only your actions count. And once the trust is gone, it's gone.
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>[Yeah](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/yxrlfp/comment/iwtff80/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) clearly I'm way past that and filed for a divorce like a week ago. I have my evidence etc. I wrote this update because a lot of people asked for it 👍
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*\*\*Reminder - I am not the original poster* | 3,222 | 2022-12-10T20:38:51 | OOP's wife has some weird texting with her cousin's friend. Several people tell OOP he is right to be suspicious. But he wonders whether he is accusing an innocent person | CONCLUDED | ShakeThatTushy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zi2v4p/oops_wife_has_some_weird_texting_with_her_cousins/ | false | false | [
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zi4x80 | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/nomsforall in r/amitheasshole**
---
&nbsp;
[**WIBTA if I took action about my husband's snoring?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ensy36/wibta_if_i_took_action_about_my_husbands_snoring/) - 12 January 2020
I (36F) am getting both concerned and fed up with my husband's (29M) snoring. We've been married for a few years, but the consistent snoring has only started over the past six months or so. Before then, usually he would only snore if he was out drinking with his buddies all night. Fast forward to now and I'm waking up about 10 times a night.
I've mentioned the more frequent snoring to him a few times, but of course, since he's not experiencing it while he's awake, he just shrugs it off. He's gained a bit of weight over the past three years (maybe 30-40 pounds) and I'm wondering if that's what's triggered the snoring. (Of course, there's not really a good way for me to bring that up as a potential cause without seeming like a little bit of a jerk, and I know there might be other causes.)
I absolutely love my husband to bits, but I am a very grumpy person when I don't get sleep. WIBTA if I insisted that he visit a doctor about his snoring or say that we will have separate sleeping arrangements until he does so?
Verdict: NTA
**Edit:**
Thank you for all the kind responses and suggestions. (I see I'm not the only one literally and metaphorically losing sleep over snoring!) I hadn't really thought about sleep apnea being a possibility for him, but I have been concerned there is an underlying medical issue. I'll be looking into more substantial pillows and making sure there's not some allergen that could be irritating his system in our room. I'm also going to have a discussion with him and be clear that I'm coming from a place of love and concern. Since I know he doesn't love going to the clinic, I'll offer to go to the doctor with him so we can see if he needs a sleep study. We do have a spare bedroom, so if I need to escape in there periodically, I will.
&nbsp;
[**UPDATE: WIBTA if I took action about my husband's snoring?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gm3kv9/update_wibta_if_i_took_action_about_my_husbands/) - 18 May 2020
My previous WIBTA posting was pretty quiet, but I appreciated everyone who took the time to respond. I’m providing an update in hopes that maybe our experience will help internet strangers also dealing with this.
Based on the AITA feedback, I sat down with my husband to share my concerns about the sudden onset of his excessive snoring. I said I thought he may have developed sleep apnea, which could be serious. I encouraged him to go see a doctor, stating that I would be willing to go with him. I also said I would go to the guestroom if I was unable to sleep due to the snoring.
After this conversation, nothing really changed and it made me very frustrated. There were a few times when I retreated to the guestroom to try to sleep. The first time, I didn’t lock the door. He came in the room, immediately fell back asleep, and snored right in my face. I was PISSED and made it clear that if I was in the guestroom sleeping, it was because he was snoring and he was not to come in.
This pattern went on for a bit before everything blew up mid-April. I asked if he wanted to come for a walk with me and he said he would. Just a few minutes into the walk, he said I was walking too fast and taking it “too seriously." I told him if he didn’t want to walk, he should just go home. He did and I finished my walk, fuming.
When I got home, I said we needed to talk. I told him first and foremost that I love him to bits, but I was not going to sugarcoat what I needed to say. I reminded him that he used to be so active, as we used to hike and run together. Now, he had gone from being a healthy weight to overweight to obese. I reminded him of the earlier conversation about sleep apnea and asked if he had looked into the causes of the condition. He admitted that he hadn’t. I said that while not all cases have the same cause, many times sudden snoring can be the result of weight gain or serious problems. I almost cried at this point, saying I was really worried about the long-term impact on his health if things didn’t change. I ended the conversation by saying that I realized that the beginning of a pandemic is a bad time to try to get healthy.
He had listened quietly the whole time before responding, “Or is it?” He thanked me for my honesty and acknowledged that he had not taken any of this seriously, but that he wanted to.
Although he didn't go see a doctor, he has been working out and eating well since that conversation. Yesterday he shared that he was down 15 pounds and his goal is to lose 20 more by the end of the summer. His snoring has pretty much stopped and we are both sleeping better. It wasn’t easy to have those talks, but I’m thrilled that he took the initiative to take care of himself and I no longer have to worry about sleeping in the spare room.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 5,033 | 2022-12-10T21:59:41 | Would I be the asshole if I took action about my husband's snoring? | CONCLUDED | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zi4x80/would_i_be_the_asshole_if_i_took_action_about_my/ | false | false | [
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zi516m | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-10T22:03:41 | Hello, | EXTERNAL | skyfi89 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zi516m/hello/ | false | false | [
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zi5etg | 0 | 2022-12-10T22:18:33 | Update: AITA for introducing my boyfriend's parents as "Grandma and Grandpa" to my son? | NEW UPDATE | Myneckmyguac | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zi5etg/update_aita_for_introducing_my_boyfriends_parents/ | false | false | null |
|
zi5rzt | ***I am NOT Op, this is a repost.***
TW: >!mentions of eating disorder, body dismorphic disorder, bullying and abuse.!<
&#x200B;
[**Original**](https://rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rf08bb/brothers_girlfriend_thinks_i_bullied_her_in_high/)**, on** r/relationship_advice\*\*, Dec 12th 2021 (recovered through Rareddit).\*\*
**Brother's girlfriend thinks I bullied her in high school. I don't remember her, and her story seems... off... but I can't come to Christmas unless I apologise.**
TLDR Brother (28m)'s GF (26f) thinks I (26f) bullied her in high school. I don't remember her but apologised because I was a bitch back then but she wanted a more heartfelt and specific apology, so I asked her what specifically she wanted me to apologise for, and the specifics don't make sense IMO but unless I apologise for them, I can't come to family Christmas.
My brother (Jack) is dating (Jess). I met her in summer, and she said we'd gone to secondary (high) school together. She seemed upset I didn't remember her so I apologised and she said it was fine and then she walked away. I'm engaged to a guy I went to high school with and still in touch with a friend from school, so I messaged both of them, and asked them if they remembered Jess and neither did so I figured that Jess just wasn't in my classes and that's why I couldn't place her.
That night Jack messaged saying I really upset Jess once again. I was like 'again?' and he says that Jess says I used to bully her. I'm not going to say I was a great person in high school. I had a lot of friends but I was going through a lot of shit, so I could be nice but could also often be just a raging bitch. I never targeted or tormented anyone, and I truly do not think it crossed into bully territory, but I could be very rude and sarcastic. I was definitely an arsehole, but bully is a bit far IMO.
Jack said I had to text him an apology so he could show it to Jess, so I sent a generic apology text because I don't know what I actually did, and could only assume I was an arse to Jess at some point. Jack called me out on it being generic and said I needed to be specific. I told Jack that I didn't remember Jess so if she wants a specific apology she needs to tell me what I am apologising for.
Jess says I stole her boyfriend, gave her an eating disorder, and stopped her getting into her dream university. And here is where the story gets sketchy, because the guy Jess claims to have been dating at the time was a liar who *told* people we hooked up when we didn't. As for the eating disorder, I was a bitch, but I would never encourage someone to develop an ED, as I had an ED myself and BDD so I was not about to make someone else feel bad about their body when I felt like shit about mine. As for the university, Jess says I made her fail an exam, and failing it kept her out of uni. I have literally no idea what she means. I'm also pretty sure that Jess and I went to different sixth forms, and sixth forms are where you do A levels, which are the ones that get you into uni, so I have no idea how it's possible for me to have messed up her A Levels when we weren't in the same school.
But bottom line is that she believes that I am personally responsible for all of this. Jack says that Jess said that where she's at in life now is all down to me bullying her. I still I don't remember any of it, and I actually feel like I remember *less* with every new piece of info she gives me because it just seems... off. Maybe I'm in denial and I need to take a hard look in the mirror, but until then I'm having an issue giving a sincere apology, and without an sincere apology, I am not allowed to attend Christmas. I haven't seen my relatives in ages and I'm already in isolation in preparation and my kids are really excited so it would suck to not be able to go after all of this, but my dad is siding with Jack and Jess and has said that he wants a calm Christmas so if I don't deal with the high school drama, I'm not invited.
How do I apologise for something I don't remember and resolve this with the least possible drama?
&#x200B;
**Comments:**
>*Got some friends in common with her from highschool? Maybe they can help with the situation aka clear up her bullshit.*
>
>*The fact your dad wants to deny seeing his grandchildren is pure BS.* [\[link\]](https://rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rf08bb/brothers_girlfriend_thinks_i_bullied_her_in_high/#t1_hob974f)
>
>>**OOP's response:**
>>
>>*I'm not in contact with many people from high school. Most of my friends were like me, meaning they were really bitchy, so I'm only in touch with one of them who grew up and mellowed out and she doesn't remember Jess, either. I married my high school boyfriend and then divorced him, and now I'm engaged to the self described awkward nerd who also went to my high school, who was not popular or cool, but he says my friends and I weren't that bad, and interestingly he also does not remember Jess.*
&#x200B;
>*Does she have proof of everything she said that you did to her?* [\[link\]](https://rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rf08bb/brothers_girlfriend_thinks_i_bullied_her_in_high/#t1_hob1e6q)
>
>>**OOP's response:**
>>
>>*She's not given me proof and I'm not even sure what proof to ask for. Fiance dug out our year group picture and I found her in there, so I'm satisfied that she was in my year at school, but that's all I've got for proof so far. If she did fail a GCSE or A Level she should have a certificate with her final grade on it, but I'm not sure how she would prove the ED or the thing about me stealing her man.*
>>
>>*I did have a boyfriend in high school who I was with on and off (even married (and divorced) him), and when we were off again I went on a date with the guy she claims I stole from her (Jimmy). Jimmy asked me to go see a movie with him, and then on the walk to the movie he groped me so I left, and then someone at school started a rumour that I had a boob job and Jimmy told people that he got to second base with me and they were fake (they aren't) and that was all I ever had to do with Jimmy. Typical high school bullshit. I think Jimmy had a girlfriend, and he was on and off with her the same way I was with my ex, but I'm pretty sure Jimmy's girlfriend was a tall blonde and Jess is a short brunette. Then again, I barely remember Jess so it's not completely impossible that she was Jimmy's on/off girlfriend, but I really don't think she was.*
&#x200B;
>*You don’t seemed surprised that your family sided with a stranger to exclude you. What’s up with that?* [\[link\]](https://rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rf08bb/brothers_girlfriend_thinks_i_bullied_her_in_high/#t1_hobek7p)
>
>>**OOP's response:**
>>
>>*Family is complicated for a few reasons, and we've had our issues, but I thought things were fixed. Meanwhile Jack's last girlfriend was Satan in human form and the breakup was gruelling, not just for Jack, but for all of us who had to help him pick up the pieces, so I think this time around the family just want to make sure Jack is happy, and Jack won't be happy unless Jess is happy, so I can see why they put Jess over me given our history and Jack's issues.*
&#x200B;
>*I think she is crazy, and has been plotting a way to get even with you.*
>
>*Why would she date the brother of the person who "tormented and sabotaged her life"?*
>
>*Tell your dad, drama free from you, you are not the problem here. He can tell them they can be here from this time until and then you and his grandkids will be there, from that time on.* [\[link\]](https://rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rf08bb/brothers_girlfriend_thinks_i_bullied_her_in_high/#t1_hob79sw)
>
>>**OOP's response:**
>>
>>*My brother and I have different surnames, and always have, so she claims that she didn't know he was my brother until a couple of months into dating, but he also went to our school so I don't know how she didn't know.*
&#x200B;
>*So you’re to blame for this girl’s depression, eating disorder, AND her not getting into college??? So how much if this is her fault???? Yeah, she has to take personal accountability for her own life at some point. I wouldn’t apologize for that mess.* [\[link\]](https://rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rf08bb/brothers_girlfriend_thinks_i_bullied_her_in_high/#t1_hob36l3)
>
>>**OOP's response:**
>>
>>*Honestly I think maybe she's looking for someone to blame and then she's seen me again and gone from there, as I really do not have any memory of her, but I was kind of a bitch so I'm not ruling anything out, but there are some pretty big issues with her logic IMO.*
&#x200B;
>*Your entire family is excluding you because of your brothers gf? WTF is up with them.*
>
>*Look, if you're willing to acquiesce, I'd say "I'm sorry Jess, I don't remember the incidents you're talking about. I was going through a lot at the time and if I hurt you I genuinely apologize. However, I will say that the person you believe I stole from you I was never with or interested in, but I do recall him lying by saying we hooked up. We did not, never did, never will, I never had any interest in him and I'm sorry if his lie about this hurt you, but that was not anything to do with me. For anything else I was directly at fault for, I apologize and I hope we can move past it and be friends in some capacity because it's important for my brother and ultimately one day we might be family."*
>
>*Beyond that, fuck her.* [\[link\]](https://rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rf08bb/brothers_girlfriend_thinks_i_bullied_her_in_high/#t1_hob28y3)
>
>>**OOP's response:**
>>
>>*Jack and Jess have apparently been together for most of the last 2 years. They got together some time in early 2020. I only just met her because it's taken Jack this long to convince Jess I'm not a total bitch. In this time, though, the rest of the family has met Jess and liked her, and Jack's ex crushed him when she dumped him, so they've gotten attached to Jess. I thought Jack and I were close so it sucks that I didn't even know he was dating Jess to begin with.*
>>
>>*That example seems like it could work, but even this reads like it might not be specific enough for her. She wants a very specific, very detailed apology explaining exactly how I messed up. I will try your apology and see if it works but I've never known anyone to be this picky about an apology. Wish me luck LOL.*
[**Update**](https://rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rgx80e/update_brothers_girlfriend_thinks_i_bullied_her/)**, on** r/relationship_advice, Dec 15th 2021 **(recovered through Rareddit).**
TLDR I didn't bully his girlfriend. It wasn't her. It also wasn't bullying.
So I figured out why I didn't remember Jess.
It wasn't Jess.
Fiance and I went through some old boxes. We're in the UK so we don't have yearbooks but we had leavers shirts and this little book and both had names of our fellow leavers on them. He found his shirt and we went through it. Jess was on there, so she did go to our school, but we saw another name (Kate) and it bugged me but I didn't know why. I then went back to the year photo and almost instantly my brain matched the name Kate to a blonde girl in the photo. My fiance and I realised that Kate dated Jimmy, and Jimmy is the guy that Jess said I 'stole' from her.
I then messaged Jack and explained all of my issues again: Jess going to another school, the notion I gave her an ED, and now the realisation that *Kate* was Jimmy's girlfriend, not Jess, then said that if Jess can explain this I'll apologise, and if she can't then *I* expect an apology from *her* instead.
A few hours later we were all on a zoom call. A teary Jess admitted that she and I didn't interact in school. She was friends with Kate. I was dating my ex husband at the same time Kate was dating Jimmy. My ex and I were very on again/off again, and after one of our break ups, Jimmy dumped Kate so he could ask me out. The date went terribly so Jimmy went crawling back to Kate after. I remembered Kate and Jimmy as being very on/off, like my ex and I were, but turns out that this was the only time they broke up before the final breakup a few years later. Kate started comparing herself to me, and developed an ED to match mine, so she blames me for that, too. As for the exam, I am still not entirely sure how I screwed that up for her, but Kate and I did go to the same sixth form, and shared a class, so we took at least one exam in the same place and at the same time. Jess referenced the ED and when I took my exams I was pregnant with my oldest and had severe morning sickness, so my best guess is that my throwing up set off Kate's ED before an exam. And as for why Jess went along with it, other than still being friends with Kate, is that I had a large group of friends in high school who I have since stopped speaking to, and a couple of them picked on Jess a lot, but Jess confirmed that I did not personally do anything to her at any point.
Jess met my brother in a support group last year, she told Kate, and it looks like they cooked up this little scheme together, though it's unclear if she started dating Jack to get to me, or if it was just coincidence. I asked if we could get Kate in the zoom so I could talk to her directly and she joined. I did try and get details on how exactly I caused her ED and made her fail her exam and she got very angry with me saying that she wasn't going to explain because if she gave details I would use them to talk my way out of it. I asked why Jess said that I bullied *her*, and not that I bullied her friend Kate, and Kate said I would have denied it either way and referenced me 'mentally torturing' her, saying that now we were even because I had admitted to spending hours wracking my brain trying to figure out what I did, just like Kate had back then. I snapped at her when she said that, saying she needed to grow up and stop blaming others for her problems, and Kate, Jess, and Jack all left the zoom.
I told dad everything but he hasn't replied yet. I've not heard from Jack, Jess, or Kate since then, but honestly Kate and Jess sound equally batshit crazy so I'm guessing they're feeding into each other's psycho logic right now. No clue what Jack is doing, either, but he was angry with Jess on the call, and he was repeatedly pushing her to tell me everything, so I hope he's on my side here at least.
&#x200B;
**Comments:**
>*Duuuuuuuude… these gals have some major issues and your brother needs to get far away. Your kids do not need to be around an unstable and vindictive manipulator such as jess. I would definitely not go to family Christmas if they still are coming and your dad needs to give a huge apology to you as well for his behavior in supporting this nut case story. The extended family need to know too before someone tries to make you out as the bad guy still somehow.* [\[link\]](https://rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rgx80e/update_brothers_girlfriend_thinks_i_bullied_her/#t1_homv1ak)
>
>>**OOP's response:**
>>
>>*Yeah honestly this just sounds like crazy met crazy and then they spent a decade encouraging each other. I think if even one of them was more stable then this would never have happened. I'd already planned to keep my kids away from her, but Jack is another story. He loves Jess, and it took him a lot to leave his last relationship, which was bordering abusive, so I don't know what he'll do here. He was clearly angry with Jess so I hope he remembers how this felt and uses it to decide if he'll stay but I hope he gets out, and that he knows I'm here if he needs me.*
&#x200B;
>*You somehow believe they cooked up this scheme and ARENT just using your brother? Are you mad?! Of course he is just being used…* [\[link\]](https://rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rgx80e/update_brothers_girlfriend_thinks_i_bullied_her/#t1_homw6j4)
>
>>**OOP's response:**
>>
>>*I know that Jess dating Jack isn't a coincidence, and she knew who he was, who I was, and who I was to Kate before entering the relationship, but as she refused to meet me until more than a year into their relationship and she stated multiple times on the call that she does love Jack, I hope that whatever happens next is the best route for all parties involved, whether that's Jack and Jess rebuilding some trust or Jack helping her pack her shit and leave.*
&#x200B;
>*You honestly can’t let your dad live this one down. Your family not backing their flesh and blood over some semi-random who is lying. Not ok.* [\[link\]](https://rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rgx80e/update_brothers_girlfriend_thinks_i_bullied_her/#t1_hon2yld)
>
>>**OOP's response:**
>>
>>*I'm not dad's flesh and blood so I can't really play that card TBH.*
>>
>>>**Follow up comment:**
>>>
>>>*Is Jack your dad's flesh and blood?*
>>>
>>>*Is he your step-dad or adoptive parent? Where does your biological parent stand in all this if he/she is in the picture?*
>>>
>>>>**OOP's response:**
>>>>
>>>>*Dad is Jack's bio dad. Jack and I share a bio mother who is not involved. My mum cheated on my dad with my bio dad, which all came out when I was about 10, and when they divorced I had to live with mum and bio dad, and I was abused pretty badly, so when dad-dad found out, he arranged for me to come live with him, and I've gone no contact with mum and bio dad. Dad is my dad, even if we don't share DNA.*
&#x200B;
>*If I was Jack, you could not convince me that Jess got with me to get to you.* [\[link\]](https://rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rgx80e/update_brothers_girlfriend_thinks_i_bullied_her/#t1_homzejb)
>
>>**OOP's response:**
>>
>>*That's how he seems to be responding. I don't think she got with him solely to get to me, I think that she just happened to meet Jack, then told Kate after they started dating, and things escalated from there. Jack and I don't even have the same last name, so it is possible that Jess didn't realise until she told Kate, and then Kate told her. I think if Kate was the one dating Jack, I could believe that she did it solely to get to me, but because it's Jess dating Jack I think there is an element of coincidence here.*
&#x200B;
>*Info: are you invited back to Christmas? If yes you shouldn't go honestly* [\[link\]](https://rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rgx80e/update_brothers_girlfriend_thinks_i_bullied_her/#t1_hon26ep)
>
>>**OOP's response:**
>>
>>*Dad hasn't replied yet but when he does, I'll know what's going on RE Christmas. If Jess is still invited, I won't be going.*
&#x200B;
# Friendly reminder that I am NOT OP, this is a repost. | 9,149 | 2022-12-10T22:33:02 | Brother's GF accuses OP of bullying during their time in highschool. OP is barred from the family Christmas party unless she apologises but OP doesn't even remember the person who's accusing her in the first place. | INCONCLUSIVE | swankycelery | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zi5rzt/brothers_gf_accuses_op_of_bullying_during_their/ | false | false | [
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zi5van | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-10T22:36:32 | My husband (M26) came out to me (F25) as a femboy and I don't know how to react to it. | ONGOING | Downelius | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zi5van/my_husband_m26_came_out_to_me_f25_as_a_femboy_and/ | false | false | [
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zi5x0j | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-10T22:38:34 | OOP asks for feedback on her Make-Up-Trial for her wedding [with pictures] | CONCLUDED | huskergirl-86 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zi5x0j/oop_asks_for_feedback_on_her_makeuptrial_for_her/ | false | false | [
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zi686s | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-10T22:51:10 | What turns u on easily? | ONGOING | GoldFro | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zi686s/what_turns_u_on_easily/ | false | false | [
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zi78uj | [removed] | 1,178 | 2022-12-10T23:33:22 | AITA for refusing to sell the place I bought with "stripper money"? | REPOST | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zi78uj/aita_for_refusing_to_sell_the_place_i_bought_with/ | false | false | [
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ziam9d | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T01:56:55 | Further Update to "AITA for refusing to sell the place I bought with "stripper money"?" | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ziam9d/further_update_to_aita_for_refusing_to_sell_the/ | false | false | [
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zibp0g | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T02:33:05 | And ... the award for highest time-to-surprise ratio of an update goes to ... /u/wofhdiskcmf! | CONCLUDED | rosinall | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zibp0g/and_the_award_for_highest_timetosurprise_ratio_of/ | false | false | [
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zid9ve | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T03:30:35 | Fast Cash!!!! | NEW UPDATE | Jakefromstatefarm530 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zid9ve/fast_cash/ | false | false | [
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zie7x5 | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** [u/traditionimpressive2](https://www.reddit.com/u/traditionimpressive2/) **in** [r/amitheasshole](https://www.reddit.com/r/amitheasshole/)
TW: >!gaslighting, slut shaming, sexual abuse/rape (reproductive coercion)!<
mood spoilers: >!happy ending, but rough beginnings/middle!<
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ibbwws/aita\_for\_refusing\_to\_sell\_the\_place\_i\_bought\_with/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ibbwws/aita_for_refusing_to_sell_the_place_i_bought_with/) \- Aug 17th, 2020
For several years I was a stripper. I have no shame about what I did, and only quit when I got a better job offer. In the time I worked as a stripper, I intentionally lived as cheaply as possible (shitty little studio flat, living off ramen, wearing old clothes) because my coworkers all told me that they were able to buy their own places on their income, so long as they saved like crazy. Before I "retired", I managed to outright buy myself a 3 bedroom flat. I rented out the other rooms for a while but I got sick of having roommates, so now I have them up online for shorter stays, but not to rent.
I met this guy about 18 months ago, and we've been together since. He knows about my employment history, and he said that he has no issue with it, though he did ask me to tell his family the white lie I occasionally use (on my CV and stuff), which is that I was a waitress (which I kind of was tbf).
A month ago we found out that I'm 2 months pregnant. He says this is great news, and we should move in together. I assumed he'd be moving into my place because he rents his (far smaller 1 bedroom) flat while I own mine, and I have room for a baby's room while he doesn't. Also, I really don't want to leave my flat. It's my flat, I love it, I could see myself living here for the rest of my life, and I don't want to lose the security of owning a flat and have to go back to paying rent or a mortgage each month.
However, he then said that he didn't want to move into my place, and said I should sell it and we buy a place together. I said that I like my place, it means a lot to me that I was able to buy it, and it represents years of working my arse off scrimping and saving. He then said that he understands all of that, but we should be living together by the time the baby comes and he didn't want to live in my flat. I asked him why not - it's a great flat, it's central to everything, it's spacious, it's got room for all his stuff, there's a daycare in the building (run/owned by another tenant) and a school 5 minute walk away, the list goes on - and he said that he didn't want to live in a flat that was bought with "stripper money".
That really pissed me off, and I told him no fucking way am I selling my flat and that he never had an issue with my "stripper money" paying for this flat before now. I said I wasn't giving up the security of owning a home for someone who tries to make me feel ashamed about something I don't feel ashamed of. He said that his point is if I sold the flat then we could get a new place with the money from the sale. I said "wouldn't that still be stripper money?" and he said "that's different", and I asked how. He then said he was going back to his place because "I can't talk to you when you're in this state".
He's gone back to his flat now and he's texted me saying I'm overreacting/irrational and I need to think of this realistically rather than emotionally. He says he wouldn't feel right raising a child in my flat knowing how I purchased it and selling/moving is the best idea of all of us, not to mention the fact he isn't on the deed because it's my place and it "would never feel like our place" because of this.
I feel I might be the arse because I get why he might feel like it's just my place and I feel I'm being too rigid in a time we need to work together, plus I spoke to my sister and she sided with him so 2 out of 3 people think I'm in the wrong here.
AITA?
Update on the off chance anyone sees this: I dumped him. There was a whole conversation and during the conversation he said he didn't want to be a parent if I wasn't willing to do everything he wanted, including sharing a house/deed (plus staying together). Also, at the start of the conversation I said what a few people suggested, which was that I'd be willing to sell and split the house with him, provided he paid 50%, and he got very very angry, very very quickly. He also said a few other things, so IDK how it's all going to pan out just yet, but it looks like I'm going to be a single mother.
[I have 2 audio recordings of my ex admitting to tampering with birth control. Is it any use?](https://www.reddit.com/r/LegalAdviceUK/comments/icchzd/i_have_2_audio_recordings_of_my_ex_admitting_to/) in [r/LegalAdviceUK](https://www.reddit.com/r/LegalAdviceUK/) \- Aug 18th, 2020
TW: sexual abuse/rape (reproductive coercion)
I recently found out I was pregnant. I am not on the pill and don't have the implant, either, due to medical reasons, so our only protection was condoms. I am now 2 months pregnant with his child. I own my own flat and have a well paying job, while he owns a failing startup and does agency shifts.
We talked yesterday. Someone suggested I recorded all interactions, as a few people had already guessed that he might have messed with our birth control, so I set my phone to record as he arrived.
During the conversation, he initially said that if we weren't together as a couple, then he wouldn't want to be in this baby's life, and when I said we could work out split custody he said "that's bullshit". Later in the conversation he said "I thought a baby would fix things". I responded it couldn't have fixed anything, if anything it made things more strained with us as the baby wasn't planned and he snapped at me, "of course it fucking was. How'd you think you got pregnant? fucking magic?". He then paused and he said "I mean that... it wasn't like... stop making that face, I'm joking". I directly asked him "are you saying you messed up the condoms?" and he (quietly but audibly) says "yeah". I told him to get out of my flat and he said "look, have it, don't have it, I don't give a shit" before he left. I later texted him, saying "just tell me why." He then called me, so I started recording on my mp3. Over the phone he admitted that he was hoping I'd sell my flat, buy a new place with a mortgage, and "we could give the business a boost". I hung up on him.
Hours before the initial conversation, I spoke to a solicitor who deals with custody stuff regularly, so he's said he'd help me with the custody stuff. However, he's married to my friend, and I love her but she's a bit of a gossip and can be a little condescending (as in "oh, poor you"), so I don't want either of them knowing about any of this if it's unusable. My ex was not aware that I was recording at any point in either recording, and there's no visuals, only audio on both recordings. We did say each other's names a few times on the first, but not at all on the second.
Is this admissible in a custody battle? Is it useful due to the context? I feel like he's said all the things that would win my case if there was one, but if he can't do anything with it then I don't want him knowing about it. If it is useful and admissible, then do I just send it to the friend's husband?
Thanks in advance.
u/WG47 **commented:** It's likely admissible, but to what end? What are you looking to get out of it? He's responsible for financially supporting the kid either way.
**OOP:** I'm worried he might push for 50/50 custody in order to avoid paying child support, or ask for majority custody so I have to pay him (which he could win as he has family while I only have my sister and I have an employment history that could make me look bad), or he'll otherwise try to pull something if we end up in a custody case. After hearing this, I want full custody, and I'm worried he'll push back in general.
[UPDATE: AITA for refusing to sell the place I bought with "stripper money"?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/indzpu/update_aita_for_refusing_to_sell_the_place_i/) \- September 5th, 2020
Quick recap on [my first post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ibbwws/aita_for_refusing_to_sell_the_place_i_bought_with/). I spent several years working as a stripper, at the end of which I was able to buy my own flat. I'd been with my boyfriend for about 18 months, and I'm currently around 3 months pregnant. With the news of the baby incoming, my boyfriend said he wanted me to sell my place so we could use the money to get a new place together, and when I refused he called me irrational. I thought I was TA because of that, plus my sister sided with him.
Now for the update, because a lot of people asked for one. First off, I dumped him. He initially said that he doesn't want to be a parent if we're not a couple, but earlier this week he told me he wants majority custody so not only does he not have to pay child support, but if he gets majority then *I* end up paying *him* (he actually said that was his reasoning). He also runs his own startup, and admitted the startup is basically done for, and he was hoping that when I sold my place I could also put a cash injection into his business with the money, so basically this was all about money for him (and I have extensive documentation of all of this). There's going to be a legal case, but I've gotten legal advice, and it looks like I'll be able to get sole custody, which is what I intend to go for. In the last couple weeks, my sister has doubled down and is trying to get me to fix things with my ex because "a baby should have a complete family", so I've not been involving her in my pregnancy, which she is *furious* about. She also told our parents, which *I* am furious about, so we're not speaking right now.
I also want to say thank you to everyone who commented on my first post. When I first posted, between my boyfriend and my sister, I was genuinely convinced I was in the wrong, so to have such an overwhelmingly supportive response really helped me realise that I shouldn't doubt myself so much, and with that realisation, plus everything going on right now, I've decided to go to therapy, which I will be starting next week.
All in all, the outcome of this is probably going to be me being a single mother in the flat I own. And honestly? Pretty decent outcome.
Later that month (Sep 13th), OOP posted [It's twins! I have no due date! And I'm panicking!](https://www.reddit.com/r/BabyBumps/comments/is9lg0/its_twins_i_have_no_due_date_and_im_panicking/) in [r/BabyBumps](https://www.reddit.com/r/BabyBumps/)
I wasn't sure if I should tag this as rant/vent or help? because I'm panicking and it shows but I also need advice.
So I had a scan today and it's twins. The tech said it was hard to tell but she thinks they're identical.
She also asked how far along I thought I was and I said the number I worked out was 14 weeks, but I wasn't 100% certain as this was my first proper checkup (aside from my GP who said they'd tell me at the scan), and the tech said both me and the babies were a little big for 14 weeks, and that we looked more like 16. She offered me an estimated due date which is just the first half of March, then said that with twins it can be harder to tell, and that didn't exactly ease my panic. (though everything else looks good so that's amazing)
But twins! There's 2 of them! And there's 1 of me! And I think it's just really hitting me right now that I have never been a mum before and I have no clue what I'm doing and there's going to be not 1 but 2 tiny humans depending on me who are arriving some time in March! When in March? It's a surprise!
I have room for twins. I have resources for twins. I think I have the energy for twins. But I am terrified.
I have no clue what I'm doing. I have 3 bedrooms, so do I put them in separate rooms or together? My friend offered to stay with me for a little after the birth, and I said no, so am I going to need to take him up on that? Is there anything different about having twins that I should be aware of (aside from there being 2 of them)? Also what do I do about this window the tech gave me? Is that normal? Are they going to be able to narrow it down at any point?
I know I just got out a lot but if anyone has any advice for me on the due date (or due window of time) or the whole twins situation it'd be really great.
After the birth, OOP posted [My friends have been amazing through my pregnancy/post birth. How do I adequately thank them?](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/lv8srf/my_friends_have_been_amazing_through_my/) in [r/relationship\_advice](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/) \- March 1st, 2021
I spent \~18 months in a relationship that in retrospect was very controlling, and I fell out of contact with a lot of friends because of how my ex felt about them. My ex and I broke up, I was pregnant with twins when we split, and I began therapy. The therapist got me to reach out to friends I'd neglected. There were 2 in particular that I really missed and decided to reach out to first, "Lily" and "Caleb". They were happy to hear from me, and were completely understanding of the situation with my ex.
I reached out to them mid October, and it's like we never stopped talking. I've been friends with Lily since we were kids, and I met Caleb at university, nearly a decade ago. My ex didn't like Lily because she's bisexual (as am I), and he didn't like Caleb because he's a straight man.
Since October I've been talking to both of them regularly. Christmas rolled around and we were all alone, so I said they were welcome to come over. Lily and Caleb had met before this, but they were more acquaintances than friends, and they became friends over Christmas dinner. They, and a couple other friends, pitched in and bought me a mixer plus a metric fuckton of baby stuff for Christmas.
Lily and Caleb then began coming over more often. They made a group chat so we could make plans together, they helped me put together the nursery, Lily drove me to one of my appointments, and when I mentioned in passing that I was craving ice cream Caleb showed up with 4 tubs the next day. These are just examples, but generally they went above and beyond the last few months.
I went into labour 3 weeks ago, nearly a full month early. With preemie twins things have been hectic, and I wasn't taking visitors for the first week, but a few days after coming home they told me in the group chat to open the front door, and when I did there was a bag containing ready meals and snacks, plus a couple tubs of formula. When I began taking visitors, they would show up together, and one of them minds the kids while the other cleans. The only reason I'm able to write this right now is that they came over earlier, Caleb got both girls to go to sleep, and Lily left me a meal for tonight.
I have a weird relationship with the concept of asking for help. I had to be self sufficient from a young age, so asking other people for help is uncomfortable for me. They know this, which is why they're not waiting for me to ask, so much as they are just showing up and helping. I have been thanking them profusely, but they always tell me not to thank them, saying that we're friends so this is completely reasonable, but I know they're doing a lot more than anyone else would in this situation.
Which prompts the question: how do I adequately thank Lily and Caleb for everything they've been doing the last few months? Where do I even begin?
**Comments from the** [r/relationship\_advice](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/) **post**
[u/BloodyMarysBitch](https://www.reddit.com/u/BloodyMarysBitch/)**:** Maybe write them a letter thanking them and telling them how grateful you are. You could also plan something like you all going out together or watching a movie. Or get them their favourite snack
**OOP:** A letter is a really nice idea, and it would save me from just saying whatever comes out of my mouth lol. We have watched a movie/TV show together a couple times but I've always ended up falling asleep. I'm thinking about doing some baking in a bit, so I might make them some brownies.
[u/FortuneWhereThoutBe](https://www.reddit.com/u/FortuneWhereThoutBe/)**:** You mentioned brownies, maybe giving them a surprise sweet treat would be a good idea or if you have the funds maybe a simple bouquet of flowers with a thank you card delivered to their homes, or when the weather warms up maybe a barbecue where you just say thank you.
you have some truly awesome people in your life that you were able to just pick up as if nothing had changed when your ex forced the distance.
make sure you hug them( if they're into that) and tell them thank you, you don't have to wait for when they're doing something for you.
If it was me the surprise hug would be more than enough.
Congratulations on the babies and the family that you have created with Lily and Caleb.
**OOP:** I think all of these except the BBQ are doable (I live in a flat, no garden). The brownies are done for the next time they come over and I'll look into flowers now. They are *very* into hugging, I usually end up cuddling up with at least one of them (sometimes both lol). Thank you.
u/Significant-Peace-49\*\*:\*\* I don't think you have to do anything but say "I love you guys!" and "You'll know I'll be there if you need me, right?"
Although if you want to go totally nuts, you could ask them both to marry you. :)
**OOP:** *Although if you want to go totally nuts, you could ask them both to marry you. :)*
It's tempting, tbh. I mean we have been flirting a lot. Just not sure we're there yet lol.
OOP seems to have started dating both Lily and Caleb based on a later post saying:
" I'm angry and frustrated and tired and anxious and while **my partners** are trying to calm me, it's not working. I just want him home safe."
**EDIT:** OOP also went through adopting her sister's child, I made a full post with updates you can read [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zieqoj/sister_wants_me_to_adopt_her_baby_who_she_has/)
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 5,428 | 2022-12-11T04:04:30 | AITA for refusing to sell the place I bought with "stripper money"? | CONCLUDED | Ok-Willingness-5095 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zie7x5/aita_for_refusing_to_sell_the_place_i_bought_with/ | false | false | [
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zieqoj | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** [u/traditionimpressive2](https://www.reddit.com/u/traditionimpressive2/) **in** r/Adoption
TW: >!mentions of abuse!<
mood spoilers: >!uplifting!<
[Sister wants me to adopt her baby, who she has promised to our abusive parents. I already have twins. Is this a good idea?](https://www.reddit.com/r/Adoption/comments/ndrr4t/sister_wants_me_to_adopt_her_baby_who_she_has/) in r/Adoption (May 16th, 2021)
I have 3 month old twin girls. I have been no contact with my parents for a decade, due to them being highly abusive and kicking me out as a teen. I am not letting them meet my kids because of this.
My sister is 3 months pregnant. She lives with our parents, and says she intends to continue doing this as she doesn't want to raise a child, but they want a grandchild, so the idea is they would all live together and my parents would raise the child while my sister was only the mother on paper.
I called my sister to work out a way to get the baby away from our parents. She said if I want to take the baby, she will allow a legal adoption, but that's the only other option she will consider. The bio father is not going to be involved, so he doesn't factor in here.
I have the money to take in a third child, and with a bit of adjusting I could make the room. I can extend my maternity leave to a full year (it's meant to end soon), meaning that when the new-born arrives I would have 3 months left of my leave to get settled. I am a single mother, but I have a strong network of friends to help and my job has been very good with me taking leave and my work entitles me to free childcare.
Would pursuing the adoption be a good idea? What would potentially having 9 month old twins and a new-born at the same time look like? Would being so close in age affect the kids growing up?
Sorry if this is the wrong place to ask this, but it seemed like the most logical forum to go to.
A commenter mentioned that OOP should check out r/2under2, leading to their post [I might have 3 under 1 in 6 months time](https://www.reddit.com/r/2under2/comments/ndu079/i_might_have_3_under_1_in_6_months_time/)in r/2under2 (May 16th, 2021) \[adding it as it gives more details\]
I posted this elsewhere but someone directed me here so I hope this is okay.
I have 3 month old twins and my sister is 3 months pregnant. She wants me to adopt her child, meaning that when my twins are 9 months old, I may be adopting her new-born, giving me 3 under 1.
The 3 month olds are doing well. We got off to a shaky start, but they're currently sleeping 4-5 hours straight, so I'm hoping they'll be sleeping through the night soon, and haven't had any serious issues despite being slightly premature (couple weeks). I've arranged childcare for when I go back to work. I'm meant to go back soon, but I can either extend my maternity leave to a full year, meaning that I'll be off for 6 months, then the new-born comes, then I'll have another 3 months to adjust, or I can go back for 5-6 months and then take a second round of leave when the new baby comes. Which sounds best?
I have a 3 bedroom flat, and the plan was that as the girls got older, they would get a bedroom each, but if I brought in a third child, what would be the setup? Could they share a room? How long for? Would I need to get a bigger place right away or could I hold off until I have a little more in the bank?
I really want to take my sister's kid in, as it's the only way to keep them safe, but I don't know if having 3 babies on my hands at once is the best idea, particularly when I'm a single parent. Could anyone in a similar position give me a better idea of what 3 under 1 would look like? I'm think I'm doing pretty well with 2 but a third child who is 9 months younger than the others doesn't sound easy, to say the least.
Any advice (or opinion) is appreciated. Thanks.
OOP posts [How do we feel about Persus](https://www.reddit.com/r/namenerds/comments/o9tb98/how_do_we_feel_about_perseus/) in r/namenerds June 28th, 2021
Like as an actual full legal name for a human child. Obviously he could go by Percy, but I'm really curious about thoughts on the legal full name Perseus. I feel like it's one of those names where I really want to do it but I also don't want the kid to get beaten up.
(Full disclosure I am adopting a baby of a currently unknown gender who will be born in a few months)
[He's here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BabyBumps/comments/pmw21f/hes_here/) in r/BabyBumps \- Sept 12th, 2021
I'm adopting my sister's son. He was born 8 days ago, but he's over 2 months premature. Closer to 3. The birth was meant to be natural but ended up a c section due to complications, but the c section was still routine with no issues. Doctor said it went as well as it could have overall. The doctor wanted to keep my son for a bit longer because he's just so early and they want to be positive it's safe before I take him home. However, because I can't begin the formal adoption for a few weeks still, and with the you know what restricting visitors, this means I can't even visit him. I would post a pic here but I don't even have a picture to show you. I've only seen him once, immediately after the birth. My sister is allowed to see him as the birth mother but she's only been once. I was meant to be able to take him home yesterday but they asked to keep him longer and run a few more tests. I'm either getting no information or incredibly limited info because despite being his mother and him coming to live with me once he's released, because it isn't on paper yet and I didn't birth him, they're not allowed to give me the same information that my sister is getting. I'm angry and frustrated and tired and anxious and while my partners are trying to calm me, it's not working. I just want him home safe.
I made a previous post about OOP's pregnancy with the twin you can read [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zie7x5/aita_for_refusing_to_sell_the_place_i_bought_with/) if interested
**EDIT:** So it has been brought up about how early the baby was being released, but it is my belief that OOP was given false information thanks to her post [I met one](https://www.reddit.com/r/ChildFreeCircleJ/comments/psh4lf/i_met_one/) in r/ChildFreeCircleJ on Sep. 21st that said:
" I'm a single-ish mother of 3 (twin baby girls, and a son who is currently in hospital (he's fine, just very premature, so they can't release him into my care yet)),"
so the baby was most definitely not home within 1-2 days of the "He's here" post. Given that we know that the estimate given to OOP was wrong from her other post, we can't trust the estimate given to determine when the baby was actually released
**Remember, I am not OP** | 3,117 | 2022-12-11T04:23:45 | "Sister wants me to adopt her baby, who she has promised to our abusive parents. I already have twins. Is this a good idea?" | CONCLUDED | Ok-Willingness-5095 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zieqoj/sister_wants_me_to_adopt_her_baby_who_she_has/ | false | false | [
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ziit0n | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/Rainbow62993](https://www.reddit.com/user/Rainbow62993/). She posted in r/AITA.
For those of you who are on mobile and don't want spoilers, I'm changing it up from my usual dolphin fun fact to a manatee fun fact: Manatee brains are smooth and the ratio of their brain to their body size is the lowest of any mammal. But they're still smart and can differentiate colors! (Link to the article [here](https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/14-fun-facts-about-manatees-180950308/), number 11.)
**Mood Spoiler:** >!hopeful ending!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yeonpx/aita_for_refusing_to_make_dinner_for_my_husband/)**: October 27, 2022**
I (29F) and husband (28M) recently allowed his brother (27M) to move in with us. We all work full time and the same hours M-F with an occasional Saturday. I'm self employed, so I'm able to make my hours flexible if needed - which I do on Tuesdays to do my husband's and I's laundry early in the morning before I go to work and Wednesdays to do our towels and his brothers laundry. We do not own a washer and dryer at home, so I take our laundry to do elsewhere on those days - which I honestly do not mind at all. Note that his brother is paying $100/week and I told him that that would include me doing his laundry weekly.
I do all the stopping at grocery stores on my own before picking them up from work - which also cuts into my work days (we currently only have 1 vehicle and his brothers car is down so I'm the main transportation for everyone).
At home, I clean up after our dog of any bathroom messes he's made during the day while we're away and fix his food. I also ensure all the common spaces are neat and tidy.
When I cook dinner (I am the only one who cooks), I want the sink to be empty. When I do cook, I ensure that the kitchen is properly cleaned after and I make sure all the pots/pans, utensils, and plates/bowls are rinsed with no residue left behind for easy cleaning for the next person.
I've recently started getting complaints that, 1. They're tired of doing the dishes all the time and 2. I complain too much. Biggest complaints from me are wanting the dishes done and the clothes to be placed properly into the hamper.
I feel like I put a lot of effort into everything I contribute to the home. The only tasks I ask from them is for clothes to be picked up off the floor and then put away immediately once they're cleaned and then for dishes to be done before I make dinners.
I will quickly note that we'll usually choose one day on the weekend that we all pick a room to tackle to deep clean - but outside of that particular day, the load of the house is left to me.
I told them both yesterday that I will no longer complain about dishes being done or not. I will continue to lay something out for dinner, but if the dishes are not completed, I won't be cooking. They also know which days I do laundry and if things aren't properly placed in the hamper when I'm ready to leave for laundry, those items won't be washed until the following week.
I've been told this is a harsh approach - however as I stated before, I feel as though I contribute a lot to our household and I don't feel like I'm asking much for these tasks to be completed by them. They're tired of hearing me complain about things not being done and I'm tired of having to complain about these things not being done.
However maybe this is a harsh approach and makes me an AH. Should I just start doing the dishes myself and ensuring everything is properly placed in the hamper for wash day(s) to keep the home running smoothly?
***Relevant comments:***
*Someone asks if the husband has always been like this:*
"No - which is something I brought up to him yesterday. I told him I've noticed a change over the last couple months and asked if there was a problem. We can both suffer with depression - so I wanted to know if perhaps my husband is going through a depression phase. I know that can cause it to be hard for someone to function with basic tasks and if that were the case, I'd be more than happy to help him during his time of need.
Prior to the last 2 months, things like this were never an issue. He's always been more than willing to help me around the house and we both tackled different tasks - we also traded dishes day (I'd clean one night, he'd do the next). Even though I was the only one cooking, I didn't mind. Now he and his brother are supposed to be doing alternate dishes day since my work load around our home has increased with an extra person.
It's been incredibly disheartening and frustrating for me. My husband and I have been together for almost 3 and a half years and we're not a couple who fights or argues. However, these last 2 months have been rough and draining. There's been arguments and frustrations and I don't want us to be this way at all. I just want us to continue our smooth sailing relationship as it's always been."
*About the dog:*
"We leave for work just before 6am and return home just before 3pm. He's walked first thing in the morning and sometimes he's stubborn and doesn't poop outside - which leads him to occasionally pooping inside when we're away. He's walked much more than just twice a day - once in the morning and then 3 times when we return home."
"He is an extremely happy and healthy little boy! I rescued him from a terrible situation just shy of a year ago and he is truly living his best life."
*One more self-reflecting comment about how they split housework:*
"I honestly never thought of it that way before, needing to revisit how I'm receiving help with household duties as if I'm the sole house hold manager and receiving help is a kindness. I was raised by a SAHM where I've always watched her be the sole one to run the household while my dad works - and it's still that way today. I suppose it was just engraved into me that men work - women take care of the house. Typing that out now, I realize how terrible that actually sounds and how it's a mindset I need to work on changing within myself. I don't view others this way, but it's what has always felt "right" to me.
And I do appreciate that because he is an absolutely wonderful husband outside of this current frustration."
***OOP is voted NTA***
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zc98ge/update_aita_for_refusing_to_make_dinner_for_my/)**: December 4, 2022**
I want to start off by saying that I'm grateful that I posted my situation. It honestly opened my eyes about how much I've been allowing people in life to get over on me so easily for far too long - and I mean that in terms of a lot of people throughout my life, not just this situation in particular.
As awful as it sounds, I truly believed I was going to be the AH in the situation when I posted it - yet it wasn't the response I received at all. For that, I want to thank everyone who took their time to reply to my post. You helped in opening my eyes to the boundaries I needed to create in my life going forward.
The day I posted it, I decided to put my foot down with not cooking dinner unless the dishes were done and not washing laundry that wasn't properly placed in the hamper on laundry day, and I stuck with it.
To my surprise, things began running smoothly!
Though things were seemingly running smoothly again, my husband and I were beginning to miss our own privacy and space. My husband and BIL were beginning to not get along and we realized he was doing nothing to save money to move when his living with us was supposed to be very temporary. So we decided we were going to give him a date to move out by.
The day we were going to give him the date, I woke up to a status BIL had posted on Facebook stating that the last 3 months had been filled with depression and starvation and it had caused him to lose a great amount of weight.
Which I was extremely taken aback by and honestly hurt. I have spent a lot of time making new and elaborate recipes. My husband and I still cannot figure out what prompted him to post it in the first place.
So, I not only confronted him about it by commenting on his post, but in person as well. I asked him, "So you're starving?" Where he looked me straight in my face and said, "yes." I honestly couldn't have been more dumbfounded. There were a lot of words exchanged, mostly by me, and my husband told him it was best to keep his mouth shut.
I suppose now would be a good time to note that BIL is known for his pathological lying - though I'm unsure how anyone can lie to someone who's literally been cooking their meals on almost a nightly basis.
When I dropped them off at work that morning, my husband told him he had a week to move out, but BIL ultimately decided to move out that night when they returned home from work.
I was honestly hopeful to give a 100% perfect and peaceful update. Though I suppose in hindsight, it is. We now have our home, privacy, and peace of mind back. Our home is running more smoothly than ever and my husband and I can continue on our path of a happily ever after. | 7,598 | 2022-12-11T06:52:15 | AITA for refusing to make dinner for my husband and BIL unless the dishes are washed? | CONCLUDED | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ziit0n/aita_for_refusing_to_make_dinner_for_my_husband/ | false | false | [
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zijoie | **I am not OP, this is a repost.**
**TW** : >!Mental health/schizophrenia, Psychosis, delusions!<
OP is u/uncertainomm [original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/wb10ij/sil_told_my_ex_with_schizophrenia_the_time_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) posted to r/relationship_advice
Posted on July 29th 2022
**SIL told my Ex with schizophrenia the time and location of my Baby Shower**
(Using a throw away account as I don't want this to easily get back to my ex boyfriend. All names were also changed. TLDR below.)
Trigger warning for Schizophrenia, mental health issues
This story needs a lot of background to fully grasp how severe everything is, so buckle in.
My ex boyfriend Jake (27M) and I (27F) broke up a few years ago. We had been together for over five years and were thinking about marriage and buying a house together. In the last year of our relationship everything fell apart. Long story short he had a sudden psychotic episode and was placed in a mental health ward (mental health facility attached to hospital, this is in Australia FYI) for his safety. Following this his entire personality changed and he developed delusions, hallucinations and paranoia which never went away. A large part of his paranoia revolved around me controlling people around him and thinking I was trying to make him look "crazy." He also constantly accused me of cheating on him and told me many times that he hated me. He was let out of the hospital after some time and I took responsibility for him.
This change in him was heartbreaking, he was eventually diagnosed with schizophrenia. I did everything I could to be there for him, I went to all of his mental health appointments and stayed up at night to make sure he didn't leave the house alone (he was prone to wandering out at night when experiencing psychosis). Things became too much for me to handle, he became angry and his paranoia about me made it impossible to help him. He didn't trust me to be close to him but at the same time he didn't want me to leave his sight as he was convinced I was cheating.
When he seemed to be doing a little better mentally I broke up with him, I waited until I felt he would be okay on his own and helped organise for him to move back in with his parents. I was filled with guilt for that decision, but it was the right choice for me. I was struggling. For months I received no love and was used as an emotional punching bag. I did my best, he wasn't the same person anymore and his resentment for me was intense. Obviously this isn't the full break down of his mental health issues as a lot of the things he went through are very personal. I never blamed him for what happened, but I needed to be happy and did what I needed to. It was a messy break up but it went better than expected.
We kept talking for a little while as friends, I think the entire time we kept contact he assumed we would get back together at some point. I continued helping him when I could. When I started a new relationship with my current partner Sam (30M) Jake had a really bad psychotic episode and threatened both of us. He accused me of cheating on him with Sam before we broke up (which makes no sense as I met Sam after we had broken up) and sent both of us intense messages. I managed to contact Jake's family who got him the help he needed. Following this I cut all contact with Jake, it was obvious that we couldn't maintain a friendship anymore.
The only slight connection I have to Jake is my brother's girlfriend Jess (29F). Her and Jake have been friends for years and have maintained their friendship. She knows the entire background to our relationship and never chose sides. I would say I am close with her, we have always been friendly. It always made me happy to know that Jake still had a good friend to confide in.
Shift forward to March 2022. I got pregnant with Sam's baby in January and was three months pregnant. I had just told my family and close friends about the pregnancy. I told everyone to keep it quiet as I didn't feel ready to publicly announce it. I was incredibly emotional, nauseous and in no state to deal with any potential fallout at that point.
Less than 24 hours passed after telling my side of the family and I received a phone call from Jake. He had found out I was pregnant and left a voice mail saying he would be filing for custody of the baby?? Obviously he was in a psychotic episode so I ignored his calls and let his family know that he had reached out to me. By this point it had been over a year since we had even spoken. He has no idea where I live or work so I'm not worried about him showing up physically to confront me.
I knew the only way he could have found out would have been through Jess. I called and confronted her about it and she admitted to it. She was extremely apologetic and said she didn't think it would matter, she thought he would be fine with the news and said he deserved to know. I was upset by this, but I hadn't explicitly told her not to tell Jake so it could have just been a mistake (even though I told her to tell no one I bit my tongue to keep the peace). I forgave her but made it very clear that she shouldn't tell Jake any more information about me or the baby and she agreed it wouldn't ever happen again.
I didn't hear anything from Jake for months.
Last weekend was my baby shower. Sam and I had the baby shower together, it was more of a party than a traditional baby shower. We hired a function room at a bar and invited 80 people to come celebrate. We were all having a great time until I saw Jake standing at the bar, looking around. I managed to slip away without him seeing me and grabbed security to get him escorted out (the area had been roped off for us as a private function so I simply told them he hadn't been invited). I watched as security approached him and asked him to leave, he was furious and started yelling. Demanding to talk to me before he would leave. Sam and several friends went over to him to try and talk him down but it only escalated. He screamed at Sam, claimed that he was the baby's real dad and that we had never really broken up. At this point I left to hide in the ladies room until my mum came to let me know Jake was gone. He had eventually left after a little more screaming. I was mortified and we cut the baby shower short, I couldn't stop crying.
It's now been a few days and I confronted Jess. She is the only person who would have possibly told him the location and time of the baby shower. I wasn't as kind on the phone with her this time. She admitted to telling him and apologised. But said "how could I keep this a secret from him?." I was furious and told her that she would no longer receive any news about me or the baby and that I would cut her out of my life. I'm not proud of it but I screamed at her, I couldn't believe how irresponsible she had been. It wasn't her news to share. My brother called me after and asked me to forgive her. He knew she was wrong but he didn't think he should also be punished for what she had done, he knew that by cutting her out I also wouldn't be telling him any news about the baby. In part he thought I should blame Jake for his reaction and not Jess, that she hadn't known he would show up, the damage was already done and I should let it go.
I honestly don't blame Jake for what happened, he is mentally ill and needs help. It's not his fault and I know he will regret all of this when he comes back to a more clear head space. I told his family what had happened and they told me he was readmitted to the mental health ward, he had threatened to harm himself if he wasn't allowed to see my baby. Regardless of whether I think he is at fault, I definitely don't feel safe with Jake now. I have a child to think about and him thinking it is somehow his is pretty scary.
I haven't budged with Jess or my brother. My family all think I should forgive her so my brother can meet his niece/nephew (we don't know the sex). But I just can't trust her. She already broke my trust once and I'm furious. I could have been hurt if Jake had confronted me at the shower. So many things could have gone wrong. I don't know what to do. I'm heart broken that my brother may not get to meet this baby for a while. But I'm scared that she could tell Jake information about the baby that could put us in danger. My parents and other family members have all agreed not to tell Jess or my brother any information about the baby upon threat of also being cut out. I just don't know how long I can feasibly cut them out before I crack. Sam is obviously on my side with all of this, if it wasn't for him I would be in a much worse state.
Any advice would be appreciated. I'm finding it hard to stick to my guns on this and worry that news will leak to Jess from other family members. My parents were particularly hesitant to promise not to tell my brother when the baby is born.
TLDR: My sister in law told my ex with schizophrenia the location and time of my baby shower. Even though she has already had one warning and has been told not to tell him anything. My ex somehow thinks the baby is his. I decided to cut SIL out after this event but need advice. How can I keep her cut out when it means pushing my own brother away??
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/wb10ij/sil_told_my_ex_with_schizophrenia_the_time_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) Posted 4th of December 2022 to r/relationship_advice
**[UPDATE] SIL told my Ex with schizophrenia the time and location of my Baby Shower**
If you would like to read the original post it is [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/wb10ij/sil_told_my_ex_with_schizophrenia_the_time_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) but was removed, you can read it as a pinned comment on the post though.
After I (27F) made that post I was overwhelmed by the response from everyone. Thank you for all of the amazing advice I received, it definitely put everything into perspective for me and made me take things more seriously. Decided I should post an update as I received a lot of messages asking what had happened.
I received a lot of comments doubting the motives of Jess (29F) and unfortunately you guys were right...
So, I had my baby earlier than anticipated. I'm happy to announce that Sam (30M) and I now have a beautiful son. He is currently 10 weeks old and was born at 38 weeks, we are absolutely smitten with him and couldn't be happier!
Not long after I made my original post Sam and I moved into a new house. We had been living in a one bedroom apartment and decided we needed more space for our growing family. Part of our decision on our house was that it was further away from my brother and Jess. Our apartment had only been a five minute drive from them and I felt uncomfortable knowing that Jake (27M) could potentially be visiting and we could run into him while walking the dog (I also didn't trust that Jess hadn't told him where we lived). Our new house is now a 45 minute drive away from them and I feel much safer, we didn't tell them the location of our new home.
We had been living in our new house for about a month with no issues. I heard from Jake's family that he was on an extended mental health hold at the hospital as his psychotic episode was not subsidising and he refused to take his medication. I also warned them about his relationship with Jess and they seemed to take it seriously, they would keep an eye on them and told the hospital that she was not to be allowed visitation with him.
My family stopped pestering me to forgive Jess. My mum had a heart to heart with me and finally understood why I had to cut my brother out. I didn't hear anything from my brother, apparently my mum had stepped up and had a conversation with him about the severity of what Jess had done. It broke my heart to push my brother away as we had been so close. But after reading all of your comments I knew that I had to be responsible and keep my baby safe.
Unfortunately things didn't stay so calm. After a few months I received a call from Jake, he had finally been released from the hospital and was embarrassed about his behaviour at the baby shower. He told me he knew that the baby wasn't his. He cried and asked to speak with Sam, he wanted to personally apologise to him. Sam didn't want to talk to him. I told him I forgave him, I knew it wasn't his fault and that we should move on. I was also very firm with him and told him that under no circumstances would I let him be around me or my baby. If he tried to contact us I wouldn't hesitate to call the police. He accepted that and our conversation ended.
About two weeks later Jake showed up at Sam's workplace, demanding to speak with him. They had a short conversation where Jake broke down in tears and begged to be forgiven. From what Sam told me he didn't seem to be stable, in his apology he said "I'm so sorry for confronting you in public like that, I should have spoken to you privately. Clearly you didn't know the baby isn't yours and you were humiliated in front of your friends." (Paraphrasing here). Sam didn't want to provoke him so said he accepted his apology and asked him to leave. Sam then called me to let me know what had happened. I was shattered. Obviously Jess had told him where Sam worked. I called Jake's family to let them know what had happened. They told me the next day he hadn't come home and were extremely worried. He wasn't meant to be driving as his licence had been suspended (he had been caught speeding several times) but he had taken his mum's car without her permission.
A few days later he was found by police in a building that was under construction, completely out of it and confused. He had driven 20 hours away from our town. He was taken to the local hospital and placed in their mental health ward, his family flew up to retrieve him. To this day I still haven't heard any updates on Jake, I assume he is still in a mental health facility. His family always updates me when he is released.
After all of that my brother called me and asked if he could meet up with me for lunch one day. He sounded upset on the phone so I agreed, we met at a McDonald's. Then he told me all the crazy stuff that had happened with Jess. Apparently when Jake got out of the hospital (following the baby shower incident) he had shown up at their house to see Jess. My brother was really worried because he could tell that Jake was in a manic episode. He kept an eye on Jake while he visited and noticed that he was being extremely touchy feely with Jess who started to seem flirty with him as well, it made him really uncomfortable so he made an excuse about him and Jess needing to go to a friend's house. When Jake left him and Jess had a massive fight. He confronted Jess about the flirty behaviour and she was extremely defensive. She flat out denied that she had been flirting or that Jake had been touching her at all. My brother decided to drop it.
Not long after (we later realised this happened on the same day that he had gone to Sam's workplace) Jake showed up at their house again but this time Jess was at work (my brother works from home). Jake told him that he was in love with Jess, confessed that they had been sleeping together and showed him a bunch of text messages between the two of them to prove that he wasn't making this up. My brother asked him to leave. When Jess got home he confronted her, at first she tried to deny it but eventually confessed. She begged my brother to forgive her, she had realised after his outburst at the baby shower that she didn't love him. My brother was furious and told her to stay with her parents for a while. Ever since then he hasn't heard from her, it's been months now and it looks like things are over between the two of them.
My brother feels terrible about what Jess did to me, although I want to let him back into my life fully I still don't trust that he won't eventually get back together with Jess. The two of them haven't officially broken up and until that day comes I won't be sharing my address or photos of our son with him. So far my brother has met our son once at my parents house.
I still don't know why Jess decided to tell Jake about my pregnancy. But I'm so glad she isn't in our lives anymore. I haven't heard anything from her or Jake since, I'm constantly worried he could show up again. I've developed some strange OCD behaviours after it all, needing to check that all our doors are locked five times and touching all of the windows in our house before I can go to sleep. Other than that things have been peaceful so far and Sam and I have been able to enjoy our new life as parents.
(TLDR: My ex and my SIL were having an affair. My ex still thinks that my baby is his. My brother and SIL no longer live together but haven't fully broken up yet) | 2,806 | 2022-12-11T07:33:28 | OP's SIL gave private information to her ex with schizophrenia | CONCLUDED | Writer-Sharp | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zijoie/ops_sil_gave_private_information_to_her_ex_with/ | false | false | [
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zimw4b | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T10:07:33 | Redditor ignore advice and 8 years later | ONGOING | SerialPhilanderer | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zimw4b/redditor_ignore_advice_and_8_years_later/ | false | false | [
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zin444 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T10:18:03 | Reditor ends up cheating because he didn't heed advice he was given 8 years ealier! | INCONCLUSIVE | SerialPhilanderer | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zin444/reditor_ends_up_cheating_because_he_didnt_heed/ | false | false | [
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zin5vi | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T10:20:18 | Reditor ends up cheating because he didn't heed advice he was given 8 years ealier! | INCONCLUSIVE | SerialPhilanderer | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zin5vi/reditor_ends_up_cheating_because_he_didnt_heed/ | false | false | [
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zin7n2 | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/dblurker in r/DeadBedrooms**
trigger warnings: >!Infidelity, Rape!<
mood spoilers: >!Depressing!<
---
&nbsp;
[** Is it time for me (26M HL) to end it with my GF(26F LL)? **](https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/1ez7i7/is_it_time_for_me_26m_hl_to_end_it_with_my_gf26f/) - May 2013
[HL = High Libido, LL = Low Libido]
5 year relationship with girlfriend, Living together for almost 3 years. Same cliched dynamic you see here all the time "everything is GREAT...except for the sex".
We never had the honeymoon period like some here. I think we averaged somewhere around once every 3 weeks until we moved in together. It gradually went from once every 3 weeks to about once every 5/6 weeks. Today, its been two months since we've had sex last. We are generally affectionate with each other, what usually stops it is me getting frustrated after a month without sex and i'm a bit short with the hugs & the kisses.
Sex, for us, happens in one of two "rapey" ways:
*1) She's changing. I opportunistically "corner" her, and start kissing and fingering her and after a brief struggle and comments like "You're being bad" or "We have to leave soon!", she relents and we have sex.
*2) We've turned in for the night. It's been a few weeks since our last time, i'm really horny, I lean over and start fondling her, I see how she reacts to the fondling. If she clams up or moves my hand, I immediately stop, wait for her to fall asleep, go into the bathroom to rub one off and then go back to bed. If she lets it continue, we have sex.
We've spoken about these issues over the past couple of years, but what usually happens is we have a sudden change in frequency of sex (twice in a week), but the status quo quickly returns.
We've been together long enough for her family & friends to start throwing underhanded comments about how its time for us to get married. 7 months ago one of her siblings coworkers took it upon himself to tell me to "Man Up" and propose. That night we had another talk and she told me that she believed the sex issues could be worked on/fixed after marriage, to which i replied that I loved her and wanted this to work, but I was **NOT** marrying her until this situation was fixed. She cried uncontrollably for a few hours, i felt like a douche and we go to sleep after cuddling.
Two months ago, I again bring up my dissatisfaction with the situation. I tell her that i'm reaching the point where i feel like we are just really good friends and roommates. Instead of stopping after the water works, I continue.
We established that she's reluctant about refusing my advances and is only going along due to feeling guilty about rejecting me and the gradual change in mood that she sees after weeks without sex. I say I dont want pity sex and it makes me less likely to initiate. She says she only realizes something is wrong because of my mood after a few weeks without sex, but she doesn't know what to do, and that it is easier to ignore the issue than to try to do something about it.
I guess my main question for DB is whether you think this situation is salvageable or if there is something else I can try? I've mentioned an open relationship, but thats a no go. Scheduling sex hasn't worked for us. Passive aggressively not initiating just makes me more frustrated and of course she wants sex even less. Any suggestions?
TL;DR : Girlfriend of 5 years has reached the point where she is only having sex because she feels guilty about rejecting me. I dont think i can continue on with a relationship where I'm only getting pity sex. Open relationship is a no go. I've thought about cheating, but wouldn't do it. Any suggestions?
&nbsp;
[** 8 years ago, I ignored all of your advice. Now, I'm a piece of shit. **](https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/ses1kr/8_years_ago_i_ignored_all_of_your_advice_now_im_a/) - Jan 2022
8 years ago, I posted about my relationship with my girlfriend.
It's still up if you want to take a look, but the tldr of it was, I was in a relationship with a woman that never was very interested in sex and we were only having it once every other month.
I was frustrated with the situation, found this sub, got great advice about not moving forward until we took steps to figure the situation out, possibly consider couples counseling or since we were so young, just breaking up because it not only was unfair for me to not have my needs met, but also unfair for her to have this constant pressure to doing something she's just not into.
**I ignored all of your advice.**
I did tell her how I felt, we went to counseling and our breakthrough was that we didn't feel connected and therfore sex wasn't being seen as a priority. We settled on the relationship needing to move on to the next steps and me proving I was committed for our sex life to improve.
So I kept the relationship going.
We got engaged.
We got married.
We had 2 kids.
**We now have sex 3 times a year. We have the same sexual communication issues we had when we were in our mid-20s when it comes to sex. She still clams up when the subject is brought up. I still let her off the hook because she's visibly upset.**
She's a great person, I love the non-sexual aspects of our relationship. We make a great team. I love our children, I think we're raising them right. We have a great support system in family & friends. We are more than financially stable. We have a beautiful home.
**But I was still deeply unfulfilled sexually.**
I started an affair with a married woman last spring. She's also in deadbedroom, but unlike me, this wasn't her first affair. We meet about once a week. The sex is amazing.
We met up again last night for a few hours, we go our separate ways and I jump into my car. The exact moment I close the door to my car, my wife calls me. I answer and she immediately asks me where I am. I freeze. I'm stuttering, panicking and I hang up on her.
The timing is too perfect. I imagine she followed me to the hotel, waited and is trying to catch me in the lie. The weight of everything I'm doing hits me.
"You're cheating on your wife."
"She knows. Someone saw you. You're now going to lose everything"
"You're the antagonist in your family's life story. "
"You're a piece of shit"
My wife is calling me back. Repeatedly. I'm stuck in this negative feedback loop for God knows how long.
I pull out of it. And finally call her back. I hear concern in her voice, she asking me what the hell is going on, why did I sound like I did and cut off on her.
I tell her that I almost got hit my a truck and the semi hit another car ahead of me. I'm fine, but a little shaken up because I thought the other driver was hurt and had to talk to a police officer.
She's glad to hear I'm OK. She was just calling me to pick up something on my way from the office. I say I'll get it and other things and be home soon. We say our I love you's and hang up.
I was a bit bummed out today and decided to stay home. I remembered this post, logged in and decided to give an update.
Not really looking for advice or anything.
Just hope this serves as, maybe, a cautionary tale or helps someone think about where they might end up if they ignore this. I lied to myself for 7 years, ignored my needs and took the cowardly option. Now I'm lying to my wife and I'm one mistake away from ruining my family.
I should have fucking listened to you guys.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 11,363 | 2022-12-11T10:22:31 | Reditor ends up cheating because he didn't heed advice he was given 8 years ealier! | INCONCLUSIVE | SerialPhilanderer | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zin7n2/reditor_ends_up_cheating_because_he_didnt_heed/ | false | false | [
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zipusy | I'm not the OOP. This was posted by u/pirocaboa in r/offmychest.
Mood Spoiler - >!no art rooms here!<
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/z6jfde/i_got_cheated_on_but_i_couldnt_help_but_be_nice/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) (28 Nov 22)
**I got cheated on, but I couldn’t help but be nice.**
I (M24) arrived from my work 3 days ago to find my girlfriend laying in bed with another guy, my initial response was to freak out and ask what was going on. When I asked what my girlfriend was doing in bed with another guy, the guy flared up in disbelief, shaking and looking at me frantically before yelling out “HES YOUR BOYFRIEND?”
My girlfriend turns around to say she planned to tell him, I could only help but feel bad for him, he had no idea and she was the only one at fault here. Under rage and complete disappointment I had the urge to kick them both out, but I ended up only kicking out my now ex-girlfriend, I told the guy to calm down and told him to stick around, I assured him i wouldn’t hurt him and to prove that I offered him a beverage which he accepted. We ended up talking and it turns out she had mentioned she was single and had no plans for a commitment, at this point he was still panicking.
I’m obviously still furious, deep down even though I know he’s not guilty I still couldn’t look him in the eyes, yet I felt some sort of pity, I couldn’t just kick him out in his super awkward and uncomfortable moment, I managed to be nice by putting myself in his shoes.
He ended up leaving more relaxed and relieved I didn’t intend on hurting him, it’s safe to say I’ll never see him again but I think I atleast made the right choice despite having my world upside down.
[Update 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/z7r1gl/update_the_guy_my_ex_cheated_on_me_with_came_back/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) (29 Nov 22)
**UPDATE: The guy my ex cheated on me with came back to my house**
You read the title right, and no he had no malicious intent. He came back to thank me and to bring a few things.
Turns out my girlfriend has been giving him “presents”, he brought them to me to ask if any had belonged to me since she had been a liar and a cheat to both of us, and it turns out some did. From (despite cheap) rings to necklaces I had “lost”, he had them. She had been giving stuff of mine to him as “presents” and pretending she had bought them for him. He offered them back to me and asked if I wanted to get to know eachother better, I agreed and now I’ve got his contact. I’m planning to meet up and get to know him better soon.
These were his words: “The last few days I haven’t been right with myself, you showed me mercy and kindness and I gave nothing in return, any other guy would have me in hospital or worse”.
[Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/zapg5b/update_2_i_finally_hang_out_with_the_guy_my_ex/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) (2 Dec 22)
**UPDATE 2: I finally hang out with the guy my ex cheated on me with.**
This is the second update regarding my initial situation.
Me and him met up today for lunch, and we talked about how it all started and how long it went on for. It made so much more sense, it started back in July of this year at a time I wasn’t home and was visiting family, she took advantage of the fact I wasn’t home to find another man. He was super nice to me once again, saying that if he had ever known I was in the picture, he wouldn’t have done anything. I asked how he didn’t know about me, considering I owned my own house and she lived with me, he told me that she had lied and said she lived with her parents so he couldn’t visit initially, they’d meet up elsewhere like malls, coffee shops and so on. All this likely when I was at work, or too busy, I trusted her enough not to track her every movement, I’m not controlling.
He said it started when she approached him at a bar near where I live, they had a night together and she left her contact with him shortly after, I’m appalled at how easily she went out and did that, turns out he even asked her (at the very start) if she was in any situation that would cause issues, she said no, he showed me proof on his phone. He kept all the texts to prove that he did ask and that he had no clue me and her were a thing.
I’m still furious so I did the pettiest thing I could, I took a photo of the food me and him got together and intentionally posted it to my story with him in frame. I got a message from my ex shortly after asking if that was him. I won’t be answering, I just want her to panic a little, I deserve a little harmless revenge. We both laughed at it and agreed to keep in contact. For now, this is where the story ends, I have no further curiosity or questions for him regarding this situation.
Edit: If Reddit so wishes, I can still make updates on our friendship and normal life, considering so many people are invested I’d hate to cut it short for some of you.
[Update 3](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/zc7wfg/update_3_both_my_ex_and_the_guy_that_she_cheated/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) (4 Dec 22)
**UPDATE 3: Both my ex and the guy that she cheated on me with played me.**
Remember all the posts I made regarding my situation, talking about how this guy I showed kindness to could potentially be someone great, someone different and who I wanted to be friends with? Scrap it.
As a fellow redditor mentioned, his story didn’t really match up, he said he never met her at my house because she lied and said she had to live with her parents, yet I found them in my bed. I confronted him about it yesterday night and he fumbled it, stuttered and couldn’t get words out so I knew something was wrong. I continuously asked for him to just spit it out, which he did. They were working together, he knew about me all along and they lied for eachother on the fucking spot. He only stuck around when I told him to because he saw an opportunity to get information from me and get something out of me. I refuse to believe this started in July, it’s likely all a lie and I’ve probably been played for years, there’s no way two people lie for eachother like that on the spot after a few months of intercourse, they had more… way more.
Everything he did, even the stuff he brought back to return were her idea so that I wouldn’t charge her with anything in the future if I were to find out. The photo, she acted surprised as to not give it away but in reality, she knew from the start when he came to my house, she wanted to snoop around and know about my life despite not being in it. He took my kindness and did everything wrong that he could. I’m furious. I’m lost. I didn’t get anything out of this, infact, after everything that could have gone wrong, stuff still continued to go wrong. I’m unsure of how to cope with this at all, it was all a lie and well, no “bromance” or “best friend” for me I suppose haha.
Edit: I failed to mention he genuinely showed no remorse, he admitted to it all after I pressured him and proceeded to hang up the phone in the middle of my turn to speak. I’m not even going to bother but I am annoyed, and the worst part about it is I have nothing I can do back to them. I cant just get violent or burst into rage, I’m better than that. But it hurts, not because of him because I barely knew him, but because it’s just so much at once.
**Reminder - I'm not the OOP** | 4,187 | 2022-12-11T12:21:27 | OOP - I got cheated on, but I couldn’t help but be nice. | CONCLUDED | prettiergenghis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zipusy/oop_i_got_cheated_on_but_i_couldnt_help_but_be/ | false | false | [
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ziqi45 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T12:45:25 | Official Porsche NFT public/free Ethereum mint now live. 1000 hand drawn sketches with tangible benefits for Porsche owners. Interesting at least. | CONCLUDED | KrakenWhisperer606 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ziqi45/official_porsche_nft_publicfree_ethereum_mint_now/ | false | false | [
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zirdhc | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T13:11:22 | Official Porsche NFT public/free Ethereum mint now live. 1000 hand drawn sketches with tangible benefits for Porsche owners. Interesting at least. | CONCLUDED | SanSa_01613 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zirdhc/official_porsche_nft_publicfree_ethereum_mint_now/ | false | false | [
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zirebr | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T13:12:05 | Official Porsche NFT public/free Ethereum mint now live. 1000 hand drawn sketches with tangible benefits for Porsche owners. Interesting at least. | CONCLUDED | atlasalpha420982 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zirebr/official_porsche_nft_publicfree_ethereum_mint_now/ | false | false | [
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zirh7z | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T13:14:31 | Official Porsche NFT public/free Ethereum mint now live. 1000 hand drawn sketches with tangible benefits for Porsche owners. Interesting at least. | CONCLUDED | WattD671 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zirh7z/official_porsche_nft_publicfree_ethereum_mint_now/ | false | false | [
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zirn0x | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T13:19:03 | Official Porsche NFT public/free Ethereum mint now live. 1000 hand drawn sketches with tangible benefits for Porsche owners. Interesting at least. | CONCLUDED | ohhhreilly952 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zirn0x/official_porsche_nft_publicfree_ethereum_mint_now/ | false | false | [
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zirv5n | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T13:25:19 | Official Porsche NFT public/free Ethereum mint now live. 1000 hand drawn sketches with tangible benefits for Porsche owners. Interesting at least. | CONCLUDED | EliasLululu988 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zirv5n/official_porsche_nft_publicfree_ethereum_mint_now/ | false | false | [
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zislyd | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T13:46:41 | Official Porsche NFT public/free Ethereum mint now live. 1000 hand drawn sketches with tangible benefits for Porsche owners. Interesting at least. | CONCLUDED | blueline2266899 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zislyd/official_porsche_nft_publicfree_ethereum_mint_now/ | false | false | [
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zisyuj | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T13:56:54 | Palm Angels NFT public/free Ethereum mint now live. 2022 NFTs for the first 2022 people. | CONCLUDED | 0xAK_01554 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zisyuj/palm_angels_nft_publicfree_ethereum_mint_now_live/ | false | false | [
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ziszzl | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T13:57:48 | 🎉Guide To Claim 1,000 Free SEA Token Airdrop 🌊 (Current value $590) | CONCLUDED | Andreadex3882 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ziszzl/guide_to_claim_1000_free_sea_token_airdrop/ | false | false | [
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zitnzo | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T14:15:58 | 🎉Guide To Claim 1,000 Free SEA Token Airdrop 🌊 (Current value $590) | CONCLUDED | JonathanYal694 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zitnzo/guide_to_claim_1000_free_sea_token_airdrop/ | false | false | [
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zitqik | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T14:17:56 | Balenciaga Released their own NFT for Free for the first 999 People. | CONCLUDED | Makaronakate276 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zitqik/balenciaga_released_their_own_nft_for_free_for/ | false | false | [
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ziu9kp | [https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/yxwn4l/an_entitled_mother_rips_open_the_doors_on_my](Original) posted in r/entitledparents by u/Ok_Interview_1739 on 17 Nov, 2022
**An entitled mother rips open the doors on my ambulance, and it does not end well for her.**
So, this just happened last night, and I still can't believe someone would do this. I'm a 30M and a paramedic. I've been in EMS for the past 8 years, and I absolutely love my job. Last night, we were dispatched to an 75 year old female who fell at home. The patient stated that she tripped over her carpet and hit her head when she fell. We arrived on the scene and noticed that the home was a duplex with our patient's door on the right and her neighbor's door on the left. We made our way into the home and found her lying on the floor.
The woman was awake and breathing. We started asking her the standard questions (are you ok? Does anything hurt? Do you remember the fall? Ect...). She stated that she has a pounding headache and that she remembers walking to bed and then waking up on the floor. In my field, that's a pretty big red flag. We notice that she's got a pretty good lump on the side of her head and a big bruise starting to form already.
Noticing the bruise, I asked her if she was on any blood thinners. She said that she was on blood thinners for a previous stroke she had a few years ago. We urged her to let us take her to the hospital because there was a possibility that the fall could have caused a bleed in her brain, and she should go to the hospital to get some scans done. She agrees, and we begin to package her up.
We applied a c-collar around her neck in case of any c-spine (neck) injuries. She denied any neck or back pain, so we lifted her up and placed her on our stair chair. A stair chair is exactly what it sounds like. It's a chair with tracks that we use to carry patients up and down stairs.
As we were getting her out of the house, her neighbor whipped the door open and started yelling about how she couldn't sleep with all the lights and noises outside. The sound of the stair chair apparently woke her up, and she was not happy about that. My lieutenant walked over to her and apologized and said that we were dealing with a medical emergency and that we would be leaving soon enough.
The Karen neighbor then noticed that our patient was her neighbor, and that's when she started yelling about something totally different. The entitled neighbor started yelling, "You can't take her to the hospital! I have errands to rin tomorrow, and she needs to watch my kids!" My lieutenant again reiterated that we were here for a medical emergency and that her health is more important than her errands. The entitled neighbor let out a loud huff and then slammed the door in his face.
We thought that was the end of it.... we were wrong. After a few minutes in the back of the ambulance, we told our lieutenant that he could take the engine crew back to the station and that we were going to be heading out in a few minutes. After we checked her vitals, got an IV going, and started giving her IV fluids, my partner got out of the back and went up to the driver's seat. About 5 seconds later, the back doors of my ambulance fly open, and who do I see? The entitled neighbor, of course. Apparently, she needed a few minutes to get dressed before coming outside.
I yell at her, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" She yells back, "I told you that she can't go to the hospital because she has to watch my kids tomorrow!"
She then starts trying to pull the cot out of the ambulance with our patient on it. Luckily, she didn't know how to unlatch the cot and couldn't get her out. Our patient says, "I can't watch your kids tomorrow because I fell, and I might be having a stroke." The entitled neighbor yells back at her and says, "You're fine. You dont need to go to the hospital because you're not having a stroke!" My partner then hears the commotion and goes to the back of the ambulance. He pulls her off the cot, and I slam and lock the doors. You could tell that the entitled neighbor was about to become combative.
It's important to know that either the police department or the sheriff's department responds to our calls, too, when it's at night. Because of where we were, it took a few minutes for the sheriff's department to show up on scene, but he got there just in time. I couldn't hear much through the door, but I saw the officer get out of hus cruiser with his taser drawn.
My partner runs back up to the driver's seat and starts heading to the hospital. The last thing I saw through the back windows was the entitled neighbor stomping towards the officer and then her hitting the ground after being tased (super satisfying to watch). I was talking with my patient and asked what that was all about, and she said that the entitled neighbor will just drop her 3 young kids off at her house and leave for several hours at a time with no notice. My patient had no idea that she was supposed to watch the kids at all because, again, the entitled neighbor never even gives her a heads up about these things.
Like I said in the beginning, this happened last night, so i don't have any updates, but I'll post an update when I learn more.
Small Update: My contact at the hospital said that the patient does not have a bleed. She does, however, have a really nasty looking bruise on her face from the blood thinners (it's incredibly common). She will most likely be going home soon. There is no update on the neighbor. I probably will not hear anything back until my next shift day.
----------------------------------------------
[https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/z4m0l4/an_entitled_mother_rips_open_the_doors_on_my](Update) posted in r/entitledparents by u/Ok_Interview_1739 on 25 Nov, 2022
**An entitled mother rips open the doors on my ambulance, and it does not end well for her. [UPDATE]**
Hey everyone, sorry for the late update. Unfortunately, it's not as exciting as some of you would hope for. So, I got in touch with the officer on that call, and he said that the woman was not formally charged with anything. The patient is back home now and resting comfortably. Like I said before, the hospital found no signs of a bleed, and she was discharged the next day. She was advised to file for an order of protection from the neighbor, but I don't believe I will ever be privy to that information unless something happens again.
I read a majority of the comments, and most people are saying to contact elder abuse and DCFS. The only problem with filing those reports is having concrete proof. We never actually saw any children, so we can't really say that they are abused or neglected at all. We can say that we have a suspicion, but for all we know, they could be living their best lives at home with the entitled parent. If the entitled parent had left and abandoned her kids, then that's another story. Calling DCFS without any signs of child abuse and just working off hearsay can just cause more problems if the accusations are unfounded.
The same can pretty much be applied about the elder abuse. We have no actual proof of elder abuse occurring. The entitled neighbor was not involved in the actual fall, and there was no suspicion for any kind of financial, physical, emotional, or social abuse. The way our patient talked about the kids getting dumped on her was in more of an inconsiderate way and not in an abusive way.
Long story short, the entitled neighbor was just kind of an asshole. I am, however, hoping that the patient press charges for assault, but I don't know if she will.
If I hear anything more, I'll post another update.
**I am not the OP** | 5,298 | 2022-12-11T14:32:07 | Entitled mother rips open the doors of OP's ambulance, and it does not end well for her. | CONCLUDED | beerbellybegone | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ziu9kp/entitled_mother_rips_open_the_doors_of_ops/ | false | false | [
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ziuens | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T14:35:50 | Official Porsche NFT public/free Ethereum mint now live. 1000 hand drawn sketches with tangible benefits for Porsche owners. Interesting at least. | CONCLUDED | chendong413920 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ziuens/official_porsche_nft_publicfree_ethereum_mint_now/ | false | false | [
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zivisu | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T15:05:04 | Balenciaga Released their own NFT for Free for the first 999 People. | CONCLUDED | saturnial991 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zivisu/balenciaga_released_their_own_nft_for_free_for/ | false | false | [
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zivn36 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T15:08:04 | 🎉Guide To Claim 1,000 Free SEA Token Airdrop 🌊 (Current value $590) | CONCLUDED | tivaill2325 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zivn36/guide_to_claim_1000_free_sea_token_airdrop/ | false | false | [
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ziw15k | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T15:17:51 | 🎉Guide To Claim 1,000 Free SEA Token Airdrop 🌊 (Current value $590) | CONCLUDED | sandroydk44 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ziw15k/guide_to_claim_1000_free_sea_token_airdrop/ | false | false | [
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ziwhlm | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T15:31:11 | Balenciaga Released their own NFT for Free for the first 999 People. | CONCLUDED | dutta___570 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ziwhlm/balenciaga_released_their_own_nft_for_free_for/ | false | false | [
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zixezm | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T15:57:53 | AITA for refusing to give my daughter back to her biological mother? | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zixezm/aita_for_refusing_to_give_my_daughter_back_to_her/ | false | false | [
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zj08l7 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T17:16:50 | Official Porsche NFT public/free Ethereum mint now live. 1000 hand drawn sketches with tangible benefits for Porsche owners. Interesting at least. | CONCLUDED | JeronimoMegias836 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zj08l7/official_porsche_nft_publicfree_ethereum_mint_now/ | false | false | [
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zj0vss | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T17:33:59 | My wife had an affair with her co-worker [PART 1/2] | INCONCLUSIVE | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zj0vss/my_wife_had_an_affair_with_her_coworker_part_12/ | false | false | [
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zj0wcm | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T17:34:26 | My wife had an affair with her co-worker [PART 2/2] | INCONCLUSIVE | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zj0wcm/my_wife_had_an_affair_with_her_coworker_part_22/ | false | false | [
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zj2i3m | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T18:18:40 | Rolls Royce is Airdropping 1000 Free NFTs for first 1000 People To Claim It. | CONCLUDED | _AbiShen744 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zj2i3m/rolls_royce_is_airdropping_1000_free_nfts_for/ | false | false | [
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zj2lhf | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T18:21:08 | Official Porsche NFT public/free Ethereum mint now live. 1000 hand drawn sketches with tangible benefits for Porsche owners. Interesting at least. | CONCLUDED | glycerinblue911 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zj2lhf/official_porsche_nft_publicfree_ethereum_mint_now/ | false | false | [
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zj2zgf | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T18:31:25 | Palm Angels NFT public/free Ethereum mint now live. 2022 NFTs for the first 2022 people. | CONCLUDED | meuunicoamorjus535 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zj2zgf/palm_angels_nft_publicfree_ethereum_mint_now_live/ | false | false | [
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zj305t | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/wifehadanaffair in r/infidelity**
trigger warnings: >!infidelity, racism, groping, miscarriages, potential rape, child neglect, abuse of power!<
mood spoiler: >!sad!<
[Acronym guide](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/acronym_guide)
---
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[**My wife had an affair with her co-worker**](https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/v2tetz/my_wife_had_an_affair_with_her_coworker/) - 1 June 2022
I’m in desperate need of help and advice.
I (28M) found out that my wife (28F) had an affair with her former supervisor (35M) at work who’s married himself with kids. We’ve been married for 5 years, and were high school sweethearts; we were each others first relationship and first everything. When we were little kids, we were even neighbors. She has always been there. We both came from broken homes, but we always had each other, and we created something different than what we grew up seeing… or at least that’s what I thought. Maybe I was just one big idiot the entire time. I still work remote while my wife has since gone back to being in person. There’s not many women in her field, and she used to vent to me a lot that her job was more in line with a boys club. Her AP, who was still her supervisor at the time, was “one of the good ones” supposedly and “looked out” for my wife at work.
Recently, my wife received a promotion and I was so happy for her; she was now a supervisor herself. This came some new responsibility such as having to take a few business trips during the year. Her first trip happened last week, Wednesday through Friday. Before she left, I told her that I’d be rooting for her from home, and she told me that she’d be leaving her heart with me and to take care of it; that’s something she always says to me whenever we have to be apart. On Monday, she came home from work early; I could immediately tell that something was wrong. She looked overwhelmed, and there was a red mark on her right cheek; my wife is pale and tends to bruise easily. I asked her what happened, but she only asked me to hug her; said she just wanted to feel my embrace. I hugged her and after a few moments, she proceeded to say there was an incident at work. She sat me down on the couch and made the confession that has destroyed me and completely uprooted my life; she had sex with her former supervisor on the team lead trip.
I couldn’t even process at first; it was like I was watching it happen to someone else or like she was going to reveal it was a cruel joke. I think I would’ve accepted the cruel joke over reality. I was quiet during her whole confession, not saying one word. I was just in shock. Cheating is a sensitive topic for me as it is for a lot of people. My own family was wrecked by an affair my dad had; I’m the one who caught him cheating and told my mom. My dad and I’s relationship is not good at all because he blames me for “ruining the family” and he has never forgiven me. My wife saw what cheating did to my family, and knew how much it tore me apart. Heck, she’s seen me cry over this back when we were teens and she comforted me. And then she turns around and does this to me? To us?
Apparently, the man’s own wife found out, and confronted her husband and my wife at work. It was a big scene with employees and customers all present. The woman had called my wife white trash and slapped her. After the slap, other employees started interfering and the woman was escorted out of the building. My wife then called her older sister (30F). In her words, she said her sister scolded her and told her that she needed to tell me about the affair and that I needed to hear it from her.
I still never said a word, and she asked me to please say something. The only thing I could muster up to say in the moment was I needed her to tell me what happened on the trip. She said on the second day of the trip, she went out for drinks with the other team leads and that the group stayed out late and she felt like she needed to participate for a team bonding experience. Throughout the night, each team lead wandered off until it was only her and her former supervisor left and they went back to his room to listen to music. He kept complimenting her and telling her how sexy she was, and that if he were me, he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off her. He eventually kissed her. My wife told me she doesn’t know what came over her, and that she wasn’t thinking clearly, but she let him keep kissing her which then turned to him groping her. They progressed to having sex. I didn’t want anymore details because I couldn’t take it and I got up off the couch, telling her to stop.
She reached out to take my hand, but I moved away and told her not to touch me. She broke down crying, and started profusely apologizing and begging for forgiveness; saying how it was the biggest mistake of her life, that she hates herself, and she wishes she could take it back. She kept repeating how much she loves me and only me. That the alcohol clouded her judgement.
I told her she needed to leave; she needed to call her sister to pick her up. She got up from the couch, crying even more, and tried to hug me, but I moved away again. She begged me not to do this, saying all kinds of stuff like she will quit her job… give me full access to her phone… saying we’ll do counseling. I couldn’t keep it together. I told her if she wasn’t going to leave the house then I would. I didn’t even stop to pack a bag or anything, but just went for the door. She grabbed my arm; I guess, to try to stop me from leaving, and kept pleading for me not to do this, and saying after everything we’ve been through that this can’t be the end of us.
Despite everything, seeing her in that state and leaving her behind while she was crying still tore me apart because I love her. I love her more than I ever thought was possible to love someone else. But she broke me. She tossed our entire life and future away. I ended up going to my mom’s house, and that’s currently where I’m staying. I don’t know how I kept my senses during the drive, but when I arrived, I just cried. I don’t even think my mom has even seen me cry as a teen or an adult. The only person who’s ever seen me cry is my wife.
I did tell my mom what happened because I honestly didn’t know how to keep it from her with me showing up at her place in that way. She was brokenhearted over it; she and my wife always got along. My mom treated her like a daughter, that was their relationship. She didn’t pass any judgement, but said I could stay as long as I needed and tried to offer some words of comfort. Ever since I left, my wife has been blowing up my phone with calls and texts, but I haven’t answered or wrote back; the texts have basically just been begging me to come home and to talk with her, asking where I am, and to please not give up on us.
I just feel so broken. I thought I knew what this pain was like, but it’s nothing compared to experiencing it yourself. I never thought my wife would do something like this. I always had the belief that there was no coming back from cheating for me; that the relationship would be over, but now I keep thinking if I should give our relationship another chance… go to counseling together and try to salvage the relationship. I keep thinking back to all the history we have, how much I love her, how we always felt like matching puzzle pieces, and how when I thought I had no one, she was there. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to proceed. I’m at a loss.
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[**UPDATE: My wife had an affair with her co-worker**](https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/v4golr/update_my_wife_had_an_affair_with_her_coworker/) - 4 June 2022
Thanks to everyone for the advice, concern, and resources. With everything going on, I haven’t been able to respond to every comment or message, but they’ve been very much appreciated. This week has been the most excruciating. I feel like a helpless kid again who can only watch as the world around me falls apart. And I’m going through it without my wife, who has been my best friend and support. I was certain I didn’t have the whole story. So yesterday I looked into contacting OBS. I knew I needed to hear what she had to say in order for me to get some clarity; she wouldn’t have any agenda to lie or withhold whatever information she had from me. I found her FB account, and wrote her on Messenger.
She responded no more than ten minutes later and offered to video call right then. I immediately replied that I was available. One look without a word, and I could tell she was going through a similar hell like me. She said that shortly after being escorted out of the workplace last Monday, she actually tried to get in contact with me, but couldn’t find my details; in fact, one of the last things she said to my wife was threatening that she was going to tell me. When she was saying this, all I could think of was how my wife rushed home that day and how her sister told her that I needed to hear about the affair from her. I asked her if she knew more about what occurred during the team lead trip or was this really just an ONS and how did she find out. What she told me confirmed my fears; the affair dates back to before the trip. Documented proof from texts that were of an intense emotional affair. All of this, OBS shared with me with screen share, and I could barely keep it together.
She told me that back in January, she noticed that her husband was withdrawn and disinterested towards her. There were times she saw him texting my wife, but he would brush it off as work related convos. The day before the trip, she went to the job to drop something off her SO had forgotten, and she found in his office with my wife, standing close together, joking and smiling; she said the whole atmosphere between them felt flirty. When they noticed her, they parted, and my wife’s face looked panicked while her husband went over it altogether. She said it was then that she felt certain there was something going on between her husband and my wife, but she didn’t address it because she wanted undeniable proof her husband couldn’t escape from.
After the trip, her SO was more distant and dismissive. That night, she waited until he fell asleep and then checked his phone; she went to his text thread with my wife where everything was there to see: intimate texts back and forth before the trip; it started as an emotional cheating, others were of AP saying that it was impossible for him to focus at work whenever my wife was around. In these texts, it was clear that AP was the pursuer/aggressor toward my wife, but that doesn’t really make a difference because she never shut down his advances. Some of the pre-trip texts were AP bashing his wife and going off about repeated miscarriages… it was just plain disgusting with how he talked about her to my wife. He kept mentioning how maybe he needed a woman like my wife. There were texts from last Thursday night with AP inviting my wife to join the team for drinks, and texts AP sent to my wife the following morning which clearly revealed that they had sex. At this point, there were no more replies from my wife after Thursday night.
I didn’t think it was possible for me to hurt any worse, but here I am. OSB said it took her everything to remain calm as she didn’t want to alert her twins sleeping in the other room, but she didn’t wake her husband up nor confront him immediately. She said that in her heart she was done with him, and that for her, he had crossed a line he couldn’t come back from. She said she was more angry than she’d ever been during their marriage, and that through her anger, she was set on humiliating him like he had humiliated her. So she faked her smiles and acted like everything was fine and waited until Monday, where she was going to out him at work in front of his peers, underlings, and costumers. She said this confrontation had been brewing for a while now,. Apparently, it was only a coincidence that my wife was at work that day as well; when OSB saw my wife with AP and another employee, she decided to target my wife, too. When she went on to calling out my wife, my wife tried unsuccessfully to get her to quiet down.
OBS then started saying her husband had no signs of remorse in the slightest, but only anger at her public outburst. I learned from her that AP was fired the following day after the confrontation. She also kicked him out of the house, and said one of the hardest things in her life was having to explain this all to her twins; I had an idea of what she meant because I saw my own mom have to do the same thing after my dad. She said that this whole ordeal showed her who her husband really was, and while her husband pursued my wife, nonetheless my wife still had a part in the affair, and that as a woman, she had no sympathy or respect for my wife whatsoever. I told her I in no way fault her for that, and that she has every right. She actually apologized to me; for her husband’s role in the affair. I literally was at a loss for words for a moment, and then I apologized for the part my wife played, and she said that her and I are now a part of a club we never wanted to be in; a club that our SO’s forced us in.
She asked me about my wife and I; I told her that I honestly didn’t know what I was going to do, but that I wasn’t currently staying with my wife. She wished me all the best, and I did the same to her, and before ending the call, we exchanged numbers, so if we ever wanted to talk again. Every raw emotion was only heightened. I confided in my mom about what I learned and she still didn’t voice any judgement, but I could tell that she’s upset with my wife. A part of me feels great happiness that AP is losing everything; his job and his family, and that maybe he’s out there suffering as well. But I’m not proud of that feeling; at the same time I feel immense guilt over that because a wife is losing her husband, and children are losing their family as they know it… those kids are in for a whole world of pain. I feel anger also towards my wife for doing this to us, for breaking our vows, and for putting my health in jeopardy; we did have sex after she returned from the trip, and the post-trip texts hint that protection wasn’t used.
I do know I should resume contact with my wife regarding the information OBS has provided me with, and demand a timeline. But at the same time I feel even more lost than I was when I made the original post. I feel like I’m just drowning here.
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[**I broke no contact with my wife who had an affair with her co-worker**](https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/v6oh55/i_broke_no_contact_with_my_wife_who_had_an_affair/) - 7 June 2022
I want to start this off by thanking everyone for the advice/kind words/support. Everything is appreciated. Admittedly, there’s been some comments/messages hard to see, but they’re nevertheless needed, and I feel like they’re coming from a good place. One week since D-day. After talking with OBS I’ve been trying to process everything. I haven’t been sleeping well. To know that my wife, who I’ve known since we were five years old and started dating at 13, who had been my best friend/confidante, had an affair… I feel like an empty shell. When I step outside, I feel like people know and they’re secretly laughing at me. Has anyone else felt that way?
I decided to break NC to request a timeline. The plan was to go Sunday without warning, and if I’m being honest, I wanted to give her another chance to be truthful, and to see how she’d been living. Some mentioned AP could be at our home. It was painful to consider that she could be defiling the home we shared together for most of our adult lives, but after everything… it wasn’t far-fetched. I texted OBS for a description of AP’s car, and why I needed it; she sent the info. I made the drive back, and looked out for AP’s car, but it wasn’t around. I went into the house to find my WW by herself on the couch. She was stunned to see me; her eyes were red and a little puffy, like she’d been crying. I hated seeing her this way, and I had this urge to comfort her. But then I recalled how we got here in the first place. It was confusing almost, not acting to help her.
My WW called my name with a sense of relief and moved toward me, but I asked her to stop; she did then said that she’d been worried about me and thanked me for coming back home. I asked if AP had been in the house; she said no. But I searched the house, and she followed after while promising that he was never here. I didn’t find anything that suggested AP was. I asked if she had any contact with him; she admitted he left a voicemail, but she didn’t call back and blocked his number. She showed proof of this. We sat at the dining room table to talk. At this point, I tried not getting lost in emotion. I told her I would like for her to answer my questions; she agreed to do so, and that she’s just glad I’m here and that we’re talking again. I asked her if she had quit, and she said she hadn’t yet, but on the same day AP was fired, she was suspended for a week pending an investigation; tomorrow she’ll learn the outcome. She said AP’s firing was the sole reason she hadn’t quit like she offered.
I asked her to tell me about the affair. She said she already did but I told her that we both know there’s more to the story, and now I’m giving her another chance to be honest with me, and if I were to discover any lies then there would be no going back. She was quiet for a few moments and then she nodded. She revealed the extent of the affair and it matched with what OBS showed me; the affair started emotionally, and that there had been some flirting at work, but she insisted they only had sex the one time. She didn’t go into every single detail that OBS showed, but she revealed the EA. She didn’t say anything I didn’t already know, but it was like a fresh wound opened up after hearing her confirm it. I was left in silence again, like how I was on D-day. She asked me to please tell her what I was thinking; I asked her why would she do this? She knew/saw my family’s history firsthand, but still did this; was she unhappy in any way? At this, she broke down crying, and said she has never been unhappy with me or our marriage; that she loves me and our relationship is the most important thing to her.
I said her actions speak louder. She said she doesn’t know why she got involved in the affair, but she never wanted to hurt me, and it kills her; that by the time the they had sex, she made so many mistakes and realized she was in too deep, and didn’t know how to pull herself out, especially when AP had championed for her at work. She told me that the affair was no failure on my part, and that it’s all on her. I asked, if she felt forced by AP, to which she said that everyone loved him and that as I know there was a boys club mentality. She said that she froze up during sex. She just kept saying sorry, and if she could take it all back she would.
My emotions were slipping, so I tried to speed it along, and asked why would she have sex with me, which she initiated; she only said that she felt so disgusting and guilty that she wanted to “wash it away” by being with me again. I told her she didn’t “wash” anything away; all she did was endanger me to ease her conscience. She didn’t have a response; she only kept crying. I then asked her if she ever planned to tell me; she said she wanted to confess, was afraid because she knew how cheating was a dealbreaker for me; she thought she could fix it by stopping the affair, and not communicating with AP outside of work; she said she stopped texting him after they had sex. I asked her if AP wore a condom, and she revealed sex wasn’t planned and that because she froze up, she didn’t mention it to AP. She said that she‘ll never forgive herself, and that I have every right to hate her; and that seeing the pain she caused me, and being without me with NC has extremely scared her.
She pleaded with me to give our marriage another chance; but I compared her to my dad, and that remark stung deep. She said she was nothing like him, but I asked where’s the difference? She tried to take my hand, but I moved my hands out of the way. She said that we’re not my parents, and it’s different for us; and to please tell her that we can make it over this, after everything we’ve been through. I couldn’t tell say that. I then made my timeline request; it seemed to terrify her, but I insisted, and she agreed. I told her that we needed to get tested; she agreed without an issue. I was barely keeping my emotions in order, so I went to go pack a bag and some essentials. She begged me to stay; saying that she’ll stay on the couch, but she just wanted me to be home. I said that I couldn’t stay here with her.
When I was leaving, she said she loves me so much and that she’s sorry for everything. I didn’t say anything in return; I couldn’t. She then asked where I was staying, and I admitted that I with my mom; she asked if I could tell my mom something, but said I can’t be her go-between. I know she’s also worried about her relationship with my mom; as I said before, she treated her like a daughter. WW never really had her mom in her life; there was neglect. She asked if she could hug me, but I said no and left.
Now, I’m just looking at my options. She told more of the truth this time, but reality is still reality. I don’t know what to make of her statement that she froze up. I also don’t know if I’m ready to tell other people about the affair because I feel so embarrassed. Anyway, right now I’m trying to take it day by day, and would greatly appreciate any advice on how to proceed from here.
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[**I received the timeline from my wife of her affair with her co-worker**](https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/v8k7am/i_received_the_timeline_from_my_wife_of_her/) - 9 June 2022
Hi, everyone. Thanks for the continued support. Here’s an update on the situation.
I’ve been keeping light contact with my WW: she texted that she was going in for the post-suspension meeting. An hour later, she said she was fired. We discussed the STD tests. We’ll be going on Thursday. Last night, she FaceTimed me; I was hesitant to answer. She still looked the same as Sunday. She said she had finished the timeline, and I told her I’d be coming over tomorrow. She said that writing the timeline was one of the hardest things she has done, only second to our current separation. She was trying not to cry. Usually, I’d comfort her, but I couldn’t.
My mom offered to come with for support; she said she wouldn’t go into the house, but she’d wait in the car. I think she was worried about me driving back. I accepted her offer, and I drove us. My WW was waiting for me inside with a two-page document. She was anxious. I sat by her on the couch; it was like Dday again. I wanted her to read the timeline. She was thrown by this; the fear was clear on her face. Her and I were always so attuned, and her fear heightened my dread. I said I needed her to do this for me, and after a moment she did. It was crushing on Dday, it was crushing when I talked to OBS, it was crushing when WW admitted the EA, and it was still crushing.
The timeline covered from WW being hired-Dday; how her and AP’s friendship begun, the culture at work, how AP presented himself as different; while he joked with the guys, he didn’t go along with the nonsense and kept his department intact. He started looking out for her and went out of his way to get her seen/credited. A friendship established. AP started venting about his home life, and she was a listening ear to him. He would ask about hers; he seemed to be probing. She told him about her mom relapsing.
He grew bolder in venting; she wished she’d spoken up, but was blinded by her view of AP being “one of the good ones”. At work, co-workers mocked her of being AP’s favorite, etc. She didn’t confide in me about this because at the time I was getting into it with my dad; she felt like her problems were petty in comparison, so she didn’t want to throw it on me. She vented to AP; this started the EA, and now AP was being told about issues that I wasn’t. This hurt to hear because we always kept an open line of communication with each other; there wasn’t anything we couldn’t talk about. No matter what I had going on she was my first priority and I would’ve been there for her; we were a team.
AP started flirting at work/texts, and she started flirting back. He told her that a promotion was coming up, and he wanted to make sure that she was a contender as she was one of the best employees. After the promotion, he hugged her; that was their first physical contact, and he joked that she could thank him some other time. When the team went out for drinks, they broke off to their own table and he vented about OBS and his kids.
They went to his room under the pretense of “listening to music” and taking the party upstairs to celebrate her promotion. He turned on music and talked about the view from his room. He pulled her to him and started dancing a bit; he kept saying how sexy she is/if he were me, he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off of her. He eventually kissed her, and she froze up; her mind shut down… her mind/emotions weren’t there. AP started groping her all over and it went to sex; she didn’t orgasm and AP finished quickly. He told her “that was a hell of a celebration”. He eventually fell asleep. She quietly got out of bed, and left to her room. She immediately went into the shower and repeatedly scrubbed her body, but she still felt filthy. She didn’t sleep that night and just cried as she thought of me. The next morning, there was only one meeting, but she didn’t go; AP called and said he was disappointed he missed out on a second go in the morning. She was barely replying, and he asked if something was wrong, but she lied that she was hungover. He told her that he’d cover for her at the meeting. He tossed the idea of them staying behind another day.
She was afraid to tell me about what happened because she knew how cheating was a dealbreaker for me. She made a plan to stop the affair by not communicating with AP beyond work. She came home early even more wrecked with guilt as we reunited, but she acted like nothing was wrong. On Saturday morning, she initiated sex in an attempt to “wash away what she did”; but she only felt worse since she’d been with AP without a condom. On Monday, AP pulled her aside, and she told him that they should leave what happened in the past and that it was a mistake, but AP was refuting until another employee approached. After the confrontation, she called her sister in a state of panic; my SIL found out the same day I did.
There’s more to the timeline, but I summed it up. While reading, she cried, and took short breaks to catch her breath. I wasn’t holding up much either. She touched my hand as she repeatedly apologized, but I removed my hand from under hers. I had to get out of there, so I asked for the timeline and left. Inside my car, I broke down, and my mom, without saying a word embraced me; I sat there crying in her arms like I was a little kid again. I was in no condition to drive, so she drove us back. My WW kept calling/texting, and blowing up my mom’s phone, but I told my mom that I would handle it.
I eventually called back; she asked if I was ok, but I said why in the world would I be ok. She apologized, and said I was right; she was no better than my dad. She said doing the timeline was like confronting herself; that it gave her clarity. She said she loves me and has only ever loved me. That before we got together, we were friends who became best friends, and every moment with me she treasures. She said she hates herself for every choice she’d made at the job; that she knows nothing she’s going through compares to what I/OBS & kids are. She said nothing she’s lost mean anything compared to losing me; she asked if I could find it within me to reconcile, and she’ll spend forever trying to show me what our relationship means to her, and do the work to make things right again.
I couldn’t respond and my right hand was literally shaking. I only said that I needed some space. Do I regret hearing the timeline? Not really because I needed to have it. Sometimes a decision can be hard for me; something I pick apart, but once I make one, I do my best to stick to it; that’s kinda always been my way. I have always loved my WW, we have been through a lot together, and I don’t want to lose our relationship, but I still look at what’s happened and I’m just broken.
I do think IC would go good. I did IC for a year after my dad’s affair. I also still want to go the polygraph route as well. I know I need to have my WW take a pregnancy test, too; she’s on birth control, but still. I would appreciate any thoughts and advice on this whole situation.
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[**I discovered some more info after my wife’s timeline of her affair with her co-worker**](https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/vashxt/i_discovered_some_more_info_after_my_wifes/) - 12 June 2022
Hi, everyone. First off, thanks to everyone who reached out and provided advice or support; everything is appreciated. Here’s an update:
Since my WW read her timeline there hasn’t been a moment, it hasn’t been heavily weighing on me; and I still haven’t slept well. I’ve read the timeline at least once everyday, and with every re-read I experience a variety of emotions; sadness, hurt, anger, and embarrassment. Sometimes I can’t even form how I’m feeling into words. I don’t think that she was lying/doctoring it up; everything does match with what OBS showed me.
I think the timeline was impactful for her. The affair is the affair, but I do believe that AP preyed on her. I’m angry I was unaware of it, and didn’t protect her. When we were 17, there was this bad incident with her mom, and she came over to my house, and I held her in my arms and I promised I would always protect her no matter what… and I feel like I failed with AP. I didn’t see his motives. I only took her word.
On Friday night, I texted OBS to see if we could talk; I wanted her input, and to see how her/the twins were doing. She called; she had just put her kids to bed, and said how rough it’s been on the kids; and that she’s just been trying to focus on them. She said that it’s going to be a bitter divorce; AP’s acting like the wronged party and puffed up with himself. He hasn’t apologized or anything. He’s living at an extended stay. She changed the locks, so he couldn’t come and go.
I asked about AP’s history; past cheating/abuse of power. She knew where I was getting at. She suspicions of past infidelities over the years, that a woman always knew, but she never had proof he couldn’t deny; she believes he grew overconfident/sloppy with my WW. There was one allegation 5 years ago at AP’s previous job; a co-worker reported him to HR for retaliating against her after she refused an advance, but nothing came of it. She was viewed as a “difficult employee” who was “frequently late” and dismissed as “bitter” after AP wrote her up. OBS she ignored the warning signs because she was pregnant. There wasn’t another allegation and he had a great reputation. The info took me a minute to process. I did ask if AP gave her a timeline; she said she didn’t care for one because she just wants a divorce.
She asked if I had made a decision yet with my WW, and I told her that I hadn’t; she suggested her attorney when I was ready or just for a consultation. I took the info, and thanked her. We talked for a little bit about life post-Dday, before hanging up. I felt more anger toward AP. I do believe he set his sights on WW, but she still had an EA which only grew, and I just feel so deeply hurt, lost, and betrayed. I really hate all of this.
Yesterday, I still couldn’t get what OBS said off my mind. My SIL called me, and the tone of her voice was troubling. She was worried about my WW; that she didn’t believe she was doing well, and had not been eating. She asked if I had talked to her at all, but I hadn’t since Thursday; so far, my WW has been respecting me, asking for some space. This did not please me to hear in the slightest; I hated the idea of my WW being in this way, and every day with NC or not seeing her has been extremely hard for me. She asked if I could try talking with her, but she didn’t have to because I had already decided on going to see her.
On the way over, I stopped at this local restaurant, my WW loves, and ordered her usual meal to-go, and then I went straight to our home without prior warning. Admittedly, a part of me wondered if I might find AP there this time around; but again, his car wasn’t around. I entered the house, and my WW was lying on the couch; the TV was on, but she wasn’t watching it. She looked like she was going through hell. Conflicting emotions hit me: 1. Some choices of hers brought this on, and 2. I wanted to comfort her, and promise her that everything would be ok. She sat up, surprised to see me. She moved to get up, I assume, to hug me, but she stopped herself. I showed her the food, and told her that I needed her to eat something; this caught her off guard and she said that I didn’t have to do this, but I said I wanted to. I helped her get settled at the table, got her something to drink, and she started eating her meal. I asked if she heard from AP or if he’s been to the house, and she said no; I asked if I could see her phone. Without any hesitation, she handed it over to me. While she ate, I spent some time searching her phone; there weren’t any new convos with AP, and his number was still blocked.
I waited until she was finished eating before I said anything up that could distract her; I mentioned that her sister had called, and this threw her off. She promised that she didn’t ask her to do that and she’s been trying to respect my space request, but I said that it was ok, and that I wasn’t bothered by the call. She said I shouldn’t have to rush home to take care of her, but I said our vows say otherwise; and they still matter to me. She starts tearing up, and says that she ruined us; that she ruined me, and me/our relationship was the very best part of her life, and meant everything to her. She said that she’s angry with herself, disappointed in herself; that I only ever loved and trusted her, but she hurt and betrayed me in the way that would tear me apart the most; and she’ll never forgive herself. At this point, I don’t know what happened, but her words had hit me deeply, and I just broke down.
She kept saying that she didn’t deserve me, and she just kept tearing herself to shreds; the last thing she said was that I must regret being with her. For the first time since Dday, I cut in and said that my whole life has been wrecked, but she knew that I don’t regret her. I listed how many times she saved me, and that I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for her. I reminded her about the day we first met at the neighborhood playground when we were 5, or how at 13 when I admitted my feelings for her, and the entire time I was nervously stumbling over my words, and she held my hand to reassure me; even then I knew I wanted to be by her side. How, when I proposed and she said yes; I was beyond excited for us to start our lives together in that way. I never wanted to part from her; that she was it for me, and that never once changed before Dday. We just cried without saying another word.
I tried to gather myself, then told her that I needed to go. As I was leaving, she thanked me for coming over, then said that she understands my need for space, and she’ll accept whatever consequences come her way, but that she’s not giving up on us, and that she’s going to start looking into IC. I only nodded.
I have my first IC scheduled for Monday. But I feel like I’m nowhere closer to knowing how to proceed, nor do I feel any less lost. Every emotion you could possibly imagine is just wrecking me, and I feel like I’m trapped in a maze. I would appreciate any advice.
&nbsp;
[**My wife had an affair with her co-worker**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/comments/vbm9h0/my_wife_had_an_affair_with_her_coworker/) - 13 June 2022
Hi, everyone. This is my first time posting here. I was told that this sub could be good for me with my ongoing situation. I have five posts detailing my ordeal and I’ll be providing links to those at the end of this post for better context.
But here’s a brief overall summery➡️
I (28M) found out that my WW (28F) had an EA which turned into a PA with her co-worker (35M); AP’s married himself with twins. Dday for me is officially 3 weeks ago. The affair came out after AP’s STBXW confronted him and my WW at work, which caused a big scene in front of other employees and customers.
She and I have been married for 5 years, but we’ve been together for 15 years in total; we met when we were 5 years old, remained neighbors growing up, and started dating at 13. We’ve been together ever since; we were each others first relationship and first everything.
We both came from broken homes; my own family was wrecked by an affair my dad had, and I’m the one who caught him cheating, and told my mom. My relationship with my dad is not good at all because he blames me for “ruining the family” and he has never forgiven me. My WW’s broken home consisted of her alcoholic mom and neglect. But we always had each other, and we strived to create something different than what we grew up seeing.
My WW has profusely apologized, has given me a detailed timeline, and has asked me if I could find it in myself to reconcile. Ever since Dday, I’ve just been broken and feel like I’m drowning. I left our home and I’ve been staying with my mom. I went from having NC with my WW to light contact. I haven’t been doing well. Apparently it’s been the same way for my WW.
My WW has said that she understands my need for space, and she’ll accept whatever consequences come her way, but that she’s not giving up on us, and that she’s going to start looking into IC. I actually had my first IC today. This is all one summary, so I do hope you’re able to read my five previous posts for the whole story.
I always said cheating would be a dealbreaker for me, but I don’t know anything anymore regarding all of this. I hate feeling so helpless again. I’m here today to ask the community what has reconciliation looked like for you? What has it entailed? Would it display a lack of boundaries if reconciliation was offered after it was already stated cheating was a dealbreaker?; could any boundary be taken seriously after that? I would appreciate not just answers to these questions, but any input, advice, and perspectives.
&nbsp;
**THERE IS A PART 2**
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 1,908 | 2022-12-11T18:31:55 | My wife had an affair with her co-worker [PART 1/2] | INCONCLUSIVE | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zj305t/my_wife_had_an_affair_with_her_coworker_part_12/ | false | false | [
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zj30pf | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/wifehadanaffair in r/infidelity**
trigger warnings: >!infidelity, racism, groping, miscarriages, potential rape, child neglect, abuse of power!<
mood spoiler: >!sad!<
**CONTINUING FROM PART 1**
---
[**The mind movies have begun and an update on my WW’s health**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/comments/vdcjrt/the_mind_movies_have_begun_and_an_update_on_my/) - 16 June 2022
Hi, everyone. Thanks again for the insightful advice, support, and sharing your stories on my last post. It really meant a lot during this time. There’s been some developments since the last time I posted, so I thought I’d provide an update.
Last night was a particularly rough night for me. Out of nowhere, my mind started playing mind movies of my WW and AP… so that was hell in a new form. Watching TV couldn’t get my mind off of it… reading couldn’t get my mind off of it… anything I tried, really, didn’t work.
Last Monday was my first IC session. I was nervous about it; if I’m being honest, that nervousness hasn’t entirely left me, but I think the first session went ok, and I’m comfortable so far with the therapist’s style. For right now, I have two sessions per week; I’m still on a leave of absence from work, so I’m trying to make the most of it. My next session is tomorrow.
There’s been some progress with my WW following through on seeking IC for herself. Originally, she had told me that she was searching over the weekend, and that yesterday morning she had a general conversation with a therapist over the phone. That same day, she texted me the name and contact details of the one she was leaning toward.
I haven’t had much contact with my WW since we saw each other last Saturday. It’s been some texts back-and-forth. Admittedly, I have been concerned due to her not doing well and not eating. I know some might say that I shouldn’t care at this point in time, but I do care. I haven’t been doing so well myself since Dday, but I just can’t help but worry about her. Just the thought of her this way hurts me even more. I want her to be better again; I want to tell her that everything’s going to be ok again, but I can’t do any of that. I’ve had some conversations with my SIL, and from what she told me, there hadn’t been much improvement.
This morning, I received a FaceTime call from my WW. There wasn’t much difference from how she looked last Saturday; she tried to mask it with a little smile, but I wasn’t fooled by it. She used to have the most bright, infectious kind of smile; she would literally just smile for no apparent reason other than just to smile. We used to joke about it sometimes. Seeing her on the FaceTime call was no less heartbreaking. All I could think of was how different things were only just a few weeks ago, and now everything’s changed; everything’s broken. And I just sit and wonder how did we end up here, and the know the answer to that: the affair.
I’m just so sad and upset, and a part of me feels like someone should pay for what’s happened to my family and OBS’s family. Does that even make sense? Has anyone else felt this way before? I don’t know… maybe a lot of people are already paying for it. OBS, her kids, and myself. I think my WW is paying for it now too.
I asked her what was going on, and she told me something had happened which she was relieved about; she was going to just text it, but decided to try calling at the last second. Her period started today; so that news eliminated any potential pregnancy with AP concerns. I thanked her for letting me know. We were both quiet for a moment, and then I broke the silence. We started talking about a variety of things; her not really eating, her mental state, her employment status, and her going to IC.
She said that my concern shouldn’t be on her right now, but I made her promise to start eating regularly, and she agreed that she would try. I also mentioned that she should really start making movement on IC; and not just because she thinks it could save our relationship, but I needed her to do so for herself. Despite whatever becomes of our relationship… I do think IC will serve her well. She promised that she had been seriously looking into IC, and that everything she said before weren’t empty words.
I asked her if she was looking at anything in regards to new employment. She said she had been looking at a few job listings; and that my SIL had also sent her some listings that she spotted. The jobs my WW has been looking at are some in the field she was in, and also some costumer service jobs, but she hasn’t applied for anything yet. I asked if she was covered financially, and she said she still had some money saved that’d help with her being unemployed.
She asked how I was doing, and I simply said everything she could imagine, but ten times worst. I wasn’t trying to do some purposeful jab at her, but it was the truth; in fact, the truth was I was feeling worse than that. She said that every time I check in on her or provide some verbal support, even after what she’s done, that she feels even more guilty, but she feels like she deserves every ounce of those feelings. I didn’t really know what to say to that at the time. But before I could say anything; she reiterated her promise to seek IC.
She mentioned something that surprised me. She name dropped a book that I’ve seen a few people on here recommend to me: How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda J. MacDonald. She hadn’t purchased it yet, but said she thought it would be good for her to read. Shortly after that, we ended the call. I sent a text to my SIL; asking her to keep an eye on her sister as much as she could during this time and to update me.
This afternoon, my WW texted me that she had made the appointment with the therapist she was telling me about; her first session is this Friday. So at least that process is officially beginning on that for her.
All in all, not much has changed for me. I absolutely dread the thought of another bout with the mind movies. Does anyone have any advice on combating those? I lost that fight last night. Would it even be a good idea for my WW to read the book now? Again, I would appreciate any advice or perspective anyone has to offer.
&nbsp;
[**Update: It’s been almost a month since DDay**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/comments/vk5imn/update_its_been_almost_a_month_since_dday/) - 25 June 2022
Hi, everyone. It’s been a whirlwind since my last post, to say the least. Thank you to everyone who reached out with kind words and to check up on me. I honestly wasn’t expecting the show of community I have received from this subreddit. It’s all very much appreciated.
So, it’s nearly a month since DDay for me. A lot has happened since then, and it still seems surreal in many ways. In one way it feels like DDay was a thousand years ago; like the days have felt like weeks, and the weeks have felt like months. But then, on the other hand, DDay seems like it happened only yesterday.
The daily hell of mind movies have been persisting. The mornings didn’t used to be so bad because I had a few moments before I realized my WW wasn’t with me and then reality comes crashing down on me. But I had a mind movie yesterday morning. I’ve talked with my therapist about them, but it hasn’t made the movies any less persistent or painful. These mind movies are like you’re forced to watch a movie you don’t want to see. You can’t pause it, turn it off, or walk away from it. It’s just on and you have no choice in the matter.
I go back to work this Monday. Honestly, I’m kind worried about reporting back. Even though I work remote, it still requires the same focus, and I worry how the mind movies could affect me. It’s a fear of mine; the possibility of one coming on during work. I don’t really know what to expect.
Saturday’s have been some of the worst nights. Before DDay, Saturday nights were at home movie nights for me and my WW. We’ve always been big film buffs. That’s what started that tradition. As Saturday’s come and go since DDay… it’s just an aching reminder.
Apparently some music and dancing are a trigger for me now. I tried cooking the other day to keep my mind occupied; cooking is a joy of mine. Well, music came on from the TV, and it triggered me. My WW and I used to cook dinner together and we’d usually have music playing; we’d slow dance to a song at times. I don’t know what happened, but suddenly all I could think of was my WW sharing a dance with AP in that hotel room. It all caught me off guard. It’s like it’s a tarnished memory, almost, and it hurts.
I think IC has been going well so far; more so than it did for the year I went when I was a teen. Back then, I bounced around between a couple of therapists, but I think I found the right fit for me at the start this time around. Sometimes he speaks less and just listens; other times he’s asking more questions. Something he has told me is that healing is not going to be linear. We’ve talked some about the affair and my relationship with my WW. He said that the affair wasn’t my fault, nor did I have any control over it. I was in the dark and it was out of my hands. But what I do have control over is deciding where do I go from here. Admittedly, I gave some pushback on that because I don’t feel in control of myself emotionally; I feel lost in the wind. But he told me that despite what’s going on around me, the next step in how I proceed from here is my sole decision. He described R as a gift only I could make and offer.
My WW has been going to IC herself now. She’s never been to therapy before, so after her first session, I was curious about how it went. I texted her about it, and she said it was new to her, but reiterated that she’s committed to the process. I know my WW has started reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. I’ve been reading some of the book as well, and honestly it has made me feel validated and covers a range of emotions that I’ve been grappling with. My SIL updated me on my WW; she’s been eating more regularly again, but it’s still a struggle. This NC to light contact for space thing, while still having a desire to talk with her and wanting to see how she’s doing, has been one of the most difficult experiences I’ve ever dealt with.
Something I’ve been weighing is whether or not me and my WW should tell others about the affair. I’ve had a lot of mixed emotions about it. I’ve been weighing the pros and cons, but I’ve been leaning away from it. We only have a small circle around us, and I don’t really see the value of anyone else knowing outside of my mom and SIL. Those are the people involved with us the most. My dad has no involvement, nor has he ever shown support; he’ll just most likely give a speech on glass houses and all that mess. My MIL also isn’t much involved with us, although she’s been more of a presence than my dad.
The relationship between my WW and my mom has been weighing on me, too. Prior to DDay, they always had this firm mother/daughter relationship. My WW calls my mother “mom”; she hasn’t even called her own bio mom that in a very long time. My mom has been devastated about the affair. She’s dealing with a betrayal of her own with my WW; from what my dad did to our family, and now she sees it happening to me. She still hasn’t outright said anything against my WW, but I know she’s hurting too, and I know that the relationship she and my WW shared has taken a severe blow. I don’t know if that bond can recover or at least be somewhere near that same level of closeness. I know my WW feels and knows that too, and that loss deeply hurts her. They haven’t had any contact since DDay.
Maybe it’s not my place to worry about it right now, but I do. I can’t help it. And it’s a part of the anger I feel. Me and others having to deal with the pieces of something we never chose. Even with OBS and her twins, and I well know all the pain those kids are already going through and will experience. It’s like watching history repeat itself in a way. Pain; that’s all that’s going around. I believe my WW’s in pain, too, and I just keep thinking if only she would’ve considered that before the affair… maybe things would be different right now.
I wanted to give an update on a variety of things that have been going on. Has anyone had to deal with the fallout of a relationship between a WS and a family member who were close before DDay? How have you coped or been coping with triggers or fond moments that are now tarnished? I ask for advice and perspectives on the situation.
&nbsp;
[**AP tried contacting my WW again**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/comments/vpkosr/ap_tried_contacting_my_ww_again/) - 2 July 2022
Hi, everyone. A lot has happened since I last posted. I’ve been trying to get my bearing on it all. I’ve been seeing the comments and the input is very much appreciated. I’m still working on replying. Here’s a new update:
Since my last post, I’ve gone back to work. This was my first week back, and juggling that with two sessions a week of IC has been a delicate balance. It’s been weird being back. I felt like a fish out of water for a while, but I did fall back into a bit of the rhythm. There were times where my focus slipped. I guess it’s going to take some time getting readjusted with everything else going on? But being back at work did keep my mind occupied in a way. I’m thankful no mind movies or triggers have come on at work so far.
Last Saturday night was particularly difficult. I was scrolling through the TV guide and Singin’ in the Rain was on; just the title took me to a place. It’s one of me and my WW’s favorite movies; she used to quietly sing along with it whenever we watched. She would claim to anyone that she can’t sing, but she has a beautiful voice. It was a lot, and before I knew it I started crying.
Out of nowhere, my mom’s dog came up to me and rested its head against me. He sensed my distress and was there to provide some comfort. Dogs are a true gift, and are always there when you need them. It’s been hitting me about how much I miss the little things such as hearing my WW sing. I used to joke with her that I’d be the first one online buying tickets to her concert.
On Tuesday night, as I was going over this work project, I received an unexpected FaceTime call from my WW. When I answered, she looked agitated. I asked her what had happened, and she told me that AP had emailed her. I questioned her on it because I was under the impression that AP was blocked; she said that it hadn’t crossed her mind to block his email, too, and that she was about to block his email. But she first wanted to send a rejection response back to him and thought it’d be best if I’d review it.
She said that she knows the work of confronting AP and shutting any door he tries to open falls on her, but she just wanted to be transparent with me and to shut AP down with my full knowledge and approval. She apologized for bringing me into it, and said that she has no right to ask for my support, but I cut her off right there and told her that I appreciated what she was doing. I think her immediately coming forward to me about the email did mean something to me because with me being gone from our home she could’ve easily kept me in the dark about it or replied without me knowing. That and being given a say in her reply to AP. I feel like I never factored in during the affair; like I wasn’t even a blip on the radar. Sometimes I think well, hell… did I ever cross your mind while this was going on? Did you ever second guess because of me?
My WW showed me the email from her tablet. What I read made my blood boil. Between the time AP sent the email and the time it took her to call me, only a minute had passed. She said that she was disgusted by the email and that she sees through his behavior in a way she hadn’t before.
I don’t know where to begin with AP’s email; I only ever grow more disgusted with AP. In the email, he just went on and on about my WW blocking his number, and if I had made her do that. He tried to fish what was the status of our relationship since DDay, and of course trashing OBS some more, complaining about how she kicked him out and that she’s being a “c-u-next-Tuesday” about the divorce; he should the actual word, but I won’t because it’s a word I choose not to use. He wrote that my WW should know by now that he has her back; saying he would like to see her, and that she should come over to his room at the extended stay.
My WW wrote back an unforgiving reply. She said that she chose on her own accord to block him, and as she told him on DDay, she didn’t want to continue things. She said as far as his divorce goes, he deserves whatever he gets the same way she’ll deserve the same thing; that anything they’re experiencing is nothing compared to what their respective spouses and families are dealing with. She said she hated who she was with him, and that she wants him to leave her alone and not contact her anymore. After she finished and reread her reply to me, I gave my approval. She sent it and then blocked his email address.
We talked for a little bit afterward. Nothing really about AP, but about how each other were doing. She said that I shouldn’t be concerned about her, but I told her that I was. She said that she’ll never forgive herself for bringing this on what us and that we were each other’s safe haven and she made a mess of everything; that she knows words aren’t enough and that the trust has been broken, but she means everything she has said and she hopes that it’ll show through her actions. She says that she hates that she had a part in uprooting so many lives, and she just genuinely hates herself. I stopped her from continuing because despite the immense hurt and betrayal I feel… hearing her say that ripped me apart inside.
My WW has a little garden at home; gardening was something she picked up during lockdown. I asked her how the plants were doing, and she said that she was struggling to find comfort in it like she usually did, but they were doing well. She showed me the newest plant that has certainly grown since I left on DDay. Before we ended the call, she asked if we could talk again, but I told her that I wasn’t sure. At the time, I couldn’t promise it. But I couldn’t stop thinking that maybe a meet-up in a natural public space wouldn’t be the worst idea. There’s a local park near us that has this lake. It’s pretty quiet and relaxing place. We used to go there sometimes.
Later that night, I texted her about meeting up at the park. She responded “yes” no more than 10 seconds later. From there, we agreed to meet up at the park the following day at 6 PM. To say that I was nervous after solidifying the plans would be putting it mildly. I didn’t know what to expect anymore, whereas before DDay I was so certain regarding her and I.
I originally included us meeting up yesterday, but I kept running into errors with including it in this post; I had to end up separating them. So I’m going to make a follow up post detailing our meet-up very soon. I was also wondering if I should provide the AP’s email to OBS. I wasn’t sure if it was the right idea or something unnecessary that will lead to more hurt for her. I appreciate any advice that can be offered.
&nbsp;
[**I met up with my WW**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/comments/vqu0pt/i_met_up_with_my_ww/) - 4 July 2022
Hi, everyone. Here’s my follow-up post for the meet-up with my WW:
Leading up to leaving for the park… I felt like my emotions were thrown in to a tornado. I didn’t know what to expect. I was overthinking and second-guessing everything. I thought it’d be best if I arranged some safe topics for me and my WW to discuss. I also prepared to cut the day short if needed.
My WW beat me to the park. She was already waiting in the parking lot when I drove up. I just took a deep breath before I even got out of my car; I prepared to cut the meet-up short if it proved to be too much. We actually got out of our cars at the same time, and she came to meet me. I could immediately tell that she was anxious, too. We kind of awkwardly greeted each other.
I did get the sense she was self-conscious about her appearance. I complimented her. It slipped out without a second thought; she looked beautiful. I feel like that’s a contradiction due to the betrayal and immense hurt I feel daily from her. I think she was caught off guard by my compliment. She had this shocked look on her face, and she thanked me.
I suggested that we’d go for a walk around the lake, and she was up for it. On our way to the pathway, there was this shaved ice vendor at the park, and I asked if she would like anything. I thought it was a good idea to help keep cool with the heat our area has been hit with. We looked at the menu and we both selected the same flavor at the same time➡️ strawberry. The vendor had a little chuckle at that. It reminded me of how attuned my wife and I were prior to DDay. My WW went to pay, but I stopped her. She said that I didn’t have to, but I told her that it was my treat, and besides I was the one who invited her out. After getting our shaved ice, we walked out to the path circling the lake.
At first our walk was just silent. Kind of an awkward silence. It was a peaceful atmosphere around the lake, and not a lot of people out; only about a handful of people spread out, mostly families. I think she didn’t want to push me to talk. It also felt like a lot of stuff was being said in the silence and we were both not sure where to start; like could we just be us again for this moment and not address the “affair elephant” in the room? Despite me gathering safe topics… my mind went blank; anything preplanned went out the window. I walked with my shaved ice, thinking, what are we even supposed to talk about. But I broke the silence and asked how her day had been, and that stated our convo that lasted for our entire walk.
We talked about how each of our day had been so far, the nature around us, the ducks walking around & the ones floating on the lake, this guy that biked past us, and we remarked how “what was he trying to prove by biking in this heat?” We talked some more about her garden back at our home, she asked how I was doing with my return to work and attentively listened to every single detail of my mundane work project. She wanted to know all about it and hear what I’d been up to; I realized that we hadn’t really had these kinds of talks since I left on DDay. I couldn’t deny to myself that I missed it.
We even talked about neighbors; she said one of our neighbors annoyingly decided to set off fireworks late at night all weekend. It felt like us just spending time together again and I remembered how much I used to enjoy it. I still feel conflicted about it now as I still feel everything that the affair has unleashed on us.
And then the convo grew to our current situation. How things have changed. She had said how much better the weather had been just a few weeks ago, and I said that everything was better just a few weeks ago. It got quiet again between us. I ended up asking how was her employment search was going, and she opened up about that. She’s been having trouble finding new work, and hasn’t heard back from any particular job yet. She said that the jobs in her field were narrow, and that she was still looking into customer service work. There’s this new local restaurant that’s preparing to open up and they’re hiring for servers and hostess; she said she’s considering applying there.
I asked if she was still ok financially in the meantime, and she said that she should be for right now. My WW was always good at saving money even when she didn’t have to, so I don’t really doubt that. But despite what’s going on, she’s still my wife, and my love for her doesn’t just go away; I wanted to make sure she’s ok in that area.
She eventually asked something that I could tell was troubling her. She asked how mom was doing; she didn’t say it as “how’s your mom doing?”; she said “how’s mom doing?” I spoke a little about her/ I didn’t try to guilt my WW with how my mom had been feeling, but I couldn’t just put on a poker face and lie about it either. I knew she would’ve seen through it. So I gave a summed up version. She had this dejected look on her face, and she just looked down to the ground. I brought up my mom’s dog, who my WW always loved, and I showed her some pics I took of him. Just like talking about my mom, the dog pics had an affect on her, and we talked about him for a little bit, and how I’d been walking him through the neighborhood lately.
Towards the end of it, she started tearing up, like she was fighting back tears. Something happened that stunned me; I instinctively put my arm around her shoulder. I think that simple gesture shook her too; she wasn’t expecting it. I had to hold back my own tears as I thought about how messed up everything’s become. For a minute, I thought I would have cut the meeting short; I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to continue on, but I just tried to focus on my breathing. She apologized. I told her that she didn’t need to apologize about this part, but she looked at me and just said “don’t I?” and said that this was all on her.
After that, we stood there quietly while she gathered herself. It was getting hotter outside, so we walked back to the parking lot. I walked her to her car. Before she got in, she thanked me for meeting up with her, and how much she’d missed us being together like this. She then asked if we could meet-up again, and I only said that maybe we could talk about it another time. She nodded and got into her car. I told her to drive safe and watched her drive off, and then I went on my own way.
When I returned home, my mom asked how things had gone and how was I holding up. She only listened and gave me some words of comfort. She was distant from me meeting my WW, and only asked if I thought I could handle it.
All in all, the meet-up was bittersweet. A part of me cherished it, and didn’t want it to end, but I felt all the pain accompanying it. It’s strange; I felt rejuvenated in a sense after spending that time with my WW, but I’m also emotionally exhausted.
I’ve been seriously considering if we should meet-up again. I haven’t made any plans on that yet. For right now, I am going to send AP’s email to OBS. Thank to everyone who voiced their opinion on that because I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing. I feel like it’s something she needs to know and it could help her out with her case.
&nbsp;
[**Update on me and my WW Pt. 1**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/comments/w05y0e/update_on_me_and_my_ww_pt_1/) - 16 July 2022
Hi, everyone. It’s been a little bit since my last post. It’s been a whirlwind since then, and if I’m being honest, I’ve been in quite a slump from it all, so I haven’t been able to make coherent posts. I’m also sorry for the missed comments. I do want to thank everyone for the advice, support, and kind words. It’s all very much appreciated and I don’t take it for granted.
I seem to be running into issues with including everything that’s been going on in one post, so I’ll make a second post as well, and attach the link here. Here’s the update:
I met up with my WW again back on the fourth. We’ve never done anything major on the fourth; mainly cookout at times with my mom and SIL. Those usual plans were not in the cards this year, and my WW wouldn’t be with her sister who still had to go to work. So I thought maybe my WW and I could go see the fireworks. Admittedly, I went back and forth on the idea, but decided to follow through on it.
I texted her if she would want to do so, and apologized for it being last minute. I received an almost automatic read notification. She said the timing wasn’t a problem and that she would love to, and that she’d get ready. I told her to take her time. When I sent the text, there were still about three hours until the fireworks started. We met up downtown around an hour later with this Starbucks being the meet-up spot, and then headed for the area of the show.
During our walk I noticed that her hand twitched toward me a few times; I think out of instinct she wanted to hold my hand. This gesture didn’t happen when we were at the park, but I assume that’s because we had the shaved ice; so our hands were preoccupied. We could be walking out into the backyard and we’d come out holding hands. Before DDay, whenever we walked, we held hands. I think she wanted too, but wanted to respect my space or just wasn’t sure if I’d be receptive. I don’t know how my reception would’ve been either, and I hate that I don’t. The affair has done a number in so many ways that I’m still coming to terms with.
We just talked as friends would, albeit, there was an awkwardness because of the reality of our current situation. It’s not the same as it once was, and the truth is, it’s not going to be; that realization is still hard for me. There wasn’t much talking during the fireworks; we just watched them in each others company. We actually left a little early because there was a group getting persistently obnoxious.
Afterward, me and my WW walked through downtown for a little bit, heading in the direction of our cars, but not so much in a hurry. Our conversation from before the fireworks picked back up. Honestly, it felt nice and such a relief to just have her with me like that. Despite everything that I’m feeling, I’ve missed her so much, and it was a relief to know that at least she wasn’t back at our home alone; that I could see her with my own eyes. But it was also laced with pain and sadness.
I asked if she would like to go grab a bite to eat, and she was up for it. We went to that local restaurant I mentioned in a post before that has the meal I bought for my WW when my SIL informed me that she wasn’t eating. She told me that she applied for the hostess position at another restaurant that’s opening up in August. She’s been down about the whole job search because it hasn’t been turning out so well. The jobs in her chosen field haven’t been reaching out. There could be a lot of reasons why she hasn’t received a response yet, but she worries if she was actually good at her job or if it was just AP pushing her along. During our convo, she received a text which she showed me without me having to ask; it was from her sister.
After we arrived back to where our cars were, we still lingered a bit as we talked, and then when we were parting, she thanked me for the night, and I thanked her for joining me. She said that she feels like she doesn’t deserve these moments, but at the same time she misses me; she feels selfish for it, and doesn’t know how to deal with the two conflicting feelings. I told her that I understood what she meant. She asked if she could see me again, and I told her that maybe we could set something up for the end of the week or the following week. She agreed. As I was leaving, I couldn’t shake this horrible feeling, knowing she was going back to being on her own.
After the fourth, my marriage, the new normal, reconciliation, divorce, etc…, everything has been weighing on me; I’ve been overthinking and second guessing. I hate feeling so unsure of my decisions regarding my marriage; it wasn’t this way before DDay. I’ve talked about this in IC, and I know the next path forward, whether it’s R or divorce depends on me. It was a particularly rough time since the fireworks. I’m going to touch on this in the follow-up post.
&nbsp;
[**Update on me and my WW #2**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/comments/w05yte/update_on_me_and_my_ww_2/) - 16 July 2022
The Friday after the fourth started off on a better note. I felt less heightened and awoke to my mom’s dog at my bedside; the dog has been a good comfort, even from just taking him out on walks. It’s strange; just a few months before DDay, my WW and I were discussing getting a dog of our own.
I was set on trying to take the day slow. Work was going relatively ok. My lunch break came, and I went to get a little snack when out of nowhere this trigger hits me, and it’s like I was pulled apart like cotton candy. I was literally hunched over the kitchen counter trying to catch my breath; I believe I was having a panic attack. Of course, this alerts my mom’s dog. I want to say this episode lasted for a good 5 to 10 mins. It was one of the worst triggers I’ve had; if it’s even possible to rank them.
My mom was out on a grocery run, and with the way I was feeling, I didn’t want to be alone, so I called my WW. My breathing was still hitching when I did. She answered on the second ring, and I think she could immediately hear the distress in my voice because she responded with urgency, right away, asking me what was wrong. When I didn’t respond right back, she tried to switch to a FaceTime video call. I don’t know what she saw in my face, but it looked like it shook her. I asked if she could just stay on for a bit. She nodded.
It took me about another couple of minutes to settle down. My WW asked again what was wrong. I knew I finally had to tell her; I didn’t see any way around it with what she had just seen, and I didn’t see the point in keeping the mind movies, etc… hidden from her. I told her that it’s been happening for a while now; that I’ve been getting mind movies of her and AP in the hotel room, and there’s been certain things that are now triggers for me. She never said a word, and just took in everything I said. I told her that this one in particular was strong. Before I knew it, I just broke down crying as I tried to explain.
I managed to tell her that sometimes it feels like I’m having trouble just breathing, how I only get a few hours of sleep now, and even that’s not peaceful, and that I feel like a shell. I said I couldn’t bear to tell her any of this before because I feel like I’ve lost her and I didn’t know how to approach her with broken trust; that I feel like I’m grieving the loss of her as well. For me it’s like I lost the woman I love, my best friend, and family. She starts crying, and she said, she was so sorry she’s done this to me.
We just cried together for a little bit. After we both settled down, she said that she’d been speaking with her therapist about feeling the same losses and hole that I described, but she feels it’s different in the sense that she’s the one who imploded our relationship and family. She wants to fight for our relationship and doesn’t want to be without me, but also wants to respect my space. She said our meet-ups have meant everything to her, and yet she fears them as well. She’s afraid that one of our meet-ups or texts/calls is going to be the one where I say that it’s officially over. She said she won’t try to fight it when it happens because she deserves it. Hearing that wrecked me.
I told her that I haven’t tossed away our relationship; that me not being home doesn’t mean that I have. I told her I appreciated her efforts and for taking IC seriously. I asked if she was having any forms of mind movies or triggers too. She said she has random flashes of that night with AP and has triggers so far in terms of certain words he would say to her. I could only say that we’re a messed up pair these days, and she said only repeated that she’s the one who did this to us, OBS and her kids, and mom. I refuted and said this doesn’t all fall back on her; that AP did more of his fair share in terms of what he did to his own family. But she kept insisting that she’s the one who let him into our lives in the first place.
She asked what could she do to support me through the mind movies and triggers; I told her that I wasn’t sure. But after some silence, I asked if she would be open to talking with each other about what we were each experiencing; like us being there for each other as friends, which was the foundation of our relationship. We can talk about it in IC and talk about it with each other. She said that she wants to help me in anyway she can, but she doesn’t know if it’s possible or even fair for me to be trying to support her through the consequences of the affair.
I knew she had her IC session coming up, so I started to end the call. But before that, I brought my mom’s dog on and it impacted my WW; she was waving and calling out to him, and he of course recognized her and was staring at the screen and wagging his tail. We shared that moment for a bit. Before hanging up, she thanked me for confiding in her about what I was experiencing, and I thanked her for being there and opening up about what she was going through. She said that I could call her anytime I wanted and she would do her best to help me combat the movies.
To be honest, I cried some more right after the call. I tried to resume work, but I was sluggish. When my mom came home; I went to help her out with the bags, and I couldn’t even fake it. I think she knew what happened while she was away in terms of an episode coming on. She gave me some words of comfort.
It was conflicting, and it still feels that way. On one hand, it did feel nice opening up to my WW again, but it almost felt wrong in a sense; like a part of me was shouting “why are you doing this? You need to run and protect yourself.” I find the two sides impossible to reconcile.
One of the big betrayal hurdles for me is that she had these deep intimate talks on her part with AP. It feels so much like another violation. It was something we shared, and owed to each other, that she gave to AP even before the work trip.
If I were going to be open with her about what I’ve been experiencing, then I need for her to be with me as well. I need it to be a mutual thing, and not her holding back. I’ve struggled to figure out how to give her that push. It’s new territory for me; before DDay, we just had that open line of communication. A part of me feels how do I know just how much to push and how to know when to pull back, give her some time. When the EA started she said that she didn’t want to throw her problems on me because I was going through some things. She felt like she was going to throw extra worries. Well, with that in mind, isn’t it no better now if she continues to keep these things from me? Isn’t that how we kind of got into this position?
One thing I am certain about is that I feel like it’s time for me to start being more proactive again in regards to this situation. Having the necessary conversations with my WW, and there are still questions I would like answers for. I don’t know if I’m going about this the right way, if there’s even a right way to deal with things like this. But I feel like I need to try.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 1,621 | 2022-12-11T18:32:19 | My wife had an affair with her co-worker [PART 2/2] | INCONCLUSIVE | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zj30pf/my_wife_had_an_affair_with_her_coworker_part_22/ | false | false | [
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zj31nj | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T18:33:01 | 🎉Guide To Claim 1,000 Free SEA Token Airdrop 🌊 (Current value $590) | CONCLUDED | ArtSumica743 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zj31nj/guide_to_claim_1000_free_sea_token_airdrop/ | false | false | [
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zj44er | The usual disclaimer. I am not OOP. OOP is wafflesareforever and this is their story.
Trigger Warnings: Adultery
The Update post was removed from r/ProRevenge. Recovered here via Reveddit.
Original Post: May 22 2019
[**Cheat on me with my best friend? I'll wreck your career and publicly humiliate both of you**](https://www.reddit.com/r/ProRevenge/comments/brnlnd/cheat_on_me_with_my_best_friend_ill_wreck_your/)
**So, this post apparently is what triggered the** [r/ProRevenge](https://www.reddit.com/r/ProRevenge/) **Riots of 2019 over the excessive use of acronyms to represent people (MW, FBF, FBFW) in the story. Sorry about that. I have reformatted the story with fake names in place of acronyms.**
**Also, at the end of the post I've added answers to a few questions that came up repeatedly in the comments.**
Shithead and Sarah have been like family to my wife and I for several years, practically ever since we moved in across the street from them. The four of us were extremely tight. Our kids are the same age as theirs and are all good friends. We were one big family unit. We did dinner together a few times a week. We went on vacations together. I truly saw Shithead as a brother, and my wife and Sarah were very close too.
Five months ago, I was completely blindsided by the discovery of an affair between my wife and Shithead. My wife had left her email open on our computer, and I saw an email from her to her longtime therapist saying that Shithead would be joining her at an upcoming session "again." Uh, WTF? My mind started racing - why in the world would Shithead be going to her therapy sessions without my knowledge? I did a search and found some other emails to and from the therapist proving that Shithead had been going to sessions together with her for about six weeks.
I checked our mobile phone account and discovered that, since late summer, they had been exchanging hundreds of texts every day, peaking at nearly 500/day by the holidays. Speaking of the holidays, my wife and I hosted both of our families (parents, siblings, etc) for both Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner, and Shithead and Sarah joined us either for dinner or after dinner on both holidays. Text records showed that the entire time that they were at our house celebrating with our families, my wife and Shithead were texting each other across the room. They were doing that pretty much every time the four of us hung out, for months. And, you know, all day every day just in general. But what bothers me the most is that they were doing it with Sarah and I right there.
I confronted my wife with the evidence and she admitted that yes, she and Shithead had fallen in love. "It just happened! I don't know how! But I love him and I just don't feel anything for you anymore, I'm sorry!" They had gone on a school district trip together, something had happened in her hotel room, and things had moved quickly from there. She explained, as I lay face-down on the couch, unable to look at her, that they had already made plans to move out and divorce me and Sarah, and while they didn't plan to move in together immediately because of the kids, they'd probably do so eventually. The meetings with the therapist were supposedly mostly for the purpose of finding a way to break this to me and Sarah as gently as possible, because they were so very concerned for our well-being. (Sarah and I are fairly certain that they weren't planning on telling us about the affair at all, and were simply going to "discover" their feelings for one another several months down the line, after they'd come up with some other reason to divorce the two of us.)
My wife moved out two months ago. I was, and still am, utterly destroyed. I cry every day. I cried writing the first few paragraphs of this story just now. I worry non-stop about the impact on our kids. But I am also not exactly a shrinking violet when I feel that I've been wronged. And in this case I was, objectively, very very wronged.
So, a couple of years ago, Shithead ran for a Board of Education seat as a pretty extreme underdog. I helped him with his campaign materials and debate prep, and my wife, a well-known school district employee (this becomes important later), got the word out as best she could. Much to our surprise, he actually won in a squeaker, by just a few dozen votes.
Being on the Board became the center of Shithead's world. He joined every committee that he could. This turned into the foundation of his affair with my wife, as they were constantly going to school events and meetings together on evenings and weekends.
Once I discovered the affair, my thoughts turned pretty quickly to revenge, and it occurred to me that an extramarital affair between a member of the Board of Education and an employee of the school district was at least bad politics and possibly violated district policy. Making things far worse for them was that my wife was in the running for an open administrative position, and everyone knew that she was more or less guaranteed the job and the major pay raise that came with it. She had just finished her master's degree in school administration, at the urging of her principal and the superintendent, so that she could be promoted to this specific position.
I had plenty of evidence of the affair - texts from both of them admitting to it, text records showing that they were texting hundreds of times a day, emails to and from the therapist, etc. I considered simply emailing all of the evidence to the Board and the superintendent, but felt like I, as the grieving, betrayed spouse, might not be seen as a credible source. So instead, I invented a fictitious "furious friend" who was planning on showing up to the next Board meeting and publicly shaming the two of them for their affair. I told my wife that I'd tried to talk this person down but couldn't guarantee that they wouldn't show up and humiliate them publicly. As I expected, this led Shithead to conclude that the only option was for him to preemptively admit the affair to the Board. The superintendent subsequently recommended that Shithead resign, which he did. Sarah said that he was utterly humiliated and crushed, and barely got out of bed for a few days afterward.
Once word of the affair and Shithead's resignation started getting around, the superintendent (a longtime friend of both my wife and Shithead) contacted my wife and tearfully informed her that it was no longer politically appropriate for her to be promoted to an administrative position within the district. The position that had been lined up for her was later filled by an outside candidate. This sent waves of confusion and rumor throughout the district, as it was pretty well-known that my wife was getting the job. The day after she was informed that she wasn't getting the promotion, my wife and I, despite our crumbling marriage, took our son out to breakfast together on his birthday, and a parent stopped by our table to congratulate her on her new role. She said thanks, then excused herself to go cry in the bathroom for a while.
I let the dust settle for a couple of weeks, and then, right before my wife moved out, let them in on my little secret - there was never a "furious friend" threatening to expose them in the first place. Just me.
Word of all of this has gotten around our fairly small town, which Shithead grew up in and my wife has worked in for nearly 20 years. My wife refuses to talk to me about how things are at work now, but I've heard from some people I know in the district that her formerly spotless reputation has taken a major hit. Shithead, formerly a gregarious social presence in our neighborhood and at events and pubs in town, has completely gone underground and barely emerges to mow his lawn. He's moving out soon, to a shitty little townhouse which is all he can afford due to all the child support he's going to have to pay his wife.
My wife and Shithead claim that they plan on trying to make things work together, despite all the public humiliation. I wish them lots of luck with that. I'm sure it will be a lot of fun to show their faces together in town.
Edit: Here's a log of their texts/calls over the course of a few months before I discovered the affair. Obviously their phone numbers have been stripped out. [https://anonymousfiles.io/UdpmGq8h/](https://anonymousfiles.io/UdpmGq8h/)
**Answers to some common questions in the comments:**
**Are you and Sarah a thing now? You should totally be a thing, that would be awesome.** No. We're friends. We've been incredibly important to each other since this all started and have certainly gotten a lot closer, but not in the way everyone's thinking. This would all be so much harder to deal with if I didn't have her to lean on, and she says she feels the same way about me; we're going through basically the exact same situation with the same players, after all. Shithead hasn't moved out yet; once he does, we plan to go back to getting the kids together more often like they used to - it'll never be the same, of course. She already does come over with the kids from time to time, but it's just tough with Shithead's constant presence across the street.
**Didn't your revenge hurt both sets of kids?** Not really. Shithead has a day job; the Board of Education was his hobby and his passion but this didn't affect his income at all. And my wife has been assured that if she wants to pursue an administrative position with another district, she'll have glowing letters of recommendation from her superintendent and principal. It'll mean giving up a lot of work relationships in the process, but given the hit her reputation has taken, I'm guessing she makes that jump sooner rather than later. In the meantime, not moving to an administrative job means that she still has summers off with the kids.
**Why do you call her your wife instead of your** ***former*** **wife?** We're working out way through divorce mediation, but it isn't final yet. Will be soon.
**Why didn't you notice all of the texting your wife was doing?** Well, I did. It was really starting to piss me off. It was excessive. She has a big social circle and does tend to text a lot anyway, but it was really getting over the top, to the point where she was completely ignoring me and the kids. At one point in November I asked her to agree to a "no phones at the dinner table" rule, which she agreed to reluctantly but then would pout through dinner, and eventually she just started using her phone during dinner again. All that said - I was blind. Not only was the texting getting weird, but her relationship with Shithead was starting to make me uncomfortable. Sarah noticed it too and agreed. We confronted them a couple of times about it directly and they both swore up and down that it was just school stuff that they were talking about, there was nothing else going on. And for whatever reason, we believed them - probably because the mind tends to refuse to see things that it doesn't want to see.
**Thanks, by the way, for all of the support in the comments. I couldn't reply to every one, but I did read them all, and I appreciate them, even the brutally honest feedback from people who feel that I did the wrong thing. Posting this and reading all of the responses introduced me to perspectives I hadn't considered about all of this, and reminded me most of all that the anguish I'm dealing with is pretty normal given the situation I'm going through. I had a pretty OK Memorial Day weekend, even though I missed my wife and thought a lot about the things we'd probably be doing as a family. I'm taking my kids camping next weekend and having something like that to look forward to and plan has me feeling pretty good today.**
[Update: December 4 2022](https://www.reddit.com/r/ProRevenge/comments/zcp0t1/update_cheat_on_me_with_my_best_friend_ill_wreck/) Recovered from Reveddit
I've been getting a surprising number of requests to post an update to this story. I guess it blew up a bit on TikTok, which I don't use.
Where to start? It's been a bizarre few years, especially with covid thrown in the mix (which I somehow still have never caught, despite my kids getting it twice each; thankfully just mild cases).
Well, at the time that I posted the original story, I was obviously a wreck. Things actually got significantly darker for a while after that. My ex decided to start bringing Shithead around our kids just a few months after she moved out, which was really hard for me to deal with. I'd never really dealt with serious depression before, but things got bad enough that my doctor more or less forced me to start on an antidepressant because I admitted to him that I was thinking about suicide pretty frequently. (I think this is where I should mention: trigger warning for the rest of this paragraph.) I had a very specific plan and everything I needed to do it. The one thing that gave me any kind of relief was telling myself that if life got any more unbearable, I had a way out. So yeah. Shit got bad. But I'm still here, and thankfully I don't think about that option anymore.
I reluctantly decided to dip my toe into the online dating world, and after a number of short-term things that didn't pan out, I actually connected with someone, much to my surprise. We'll have been together for two years next month. She's absolutely amazing. We don't live together, and for the time being we're both good with seeing each other a few times a week. Would I love to see her more? Yep. Am I ready to live with someone again and go all Brady Bunch with our respective kids? I'm not sure. For the time being, we have a lot of fun together, and that's more than good enough for me.
As far as things stand with my ex and Shithead: they're still together, but there seems to be trouble in paradise because my kids report that they almost never see him anymore. My kids don't like him at all and they just avoid him when he's around, according to my older one. When all of this started, she had seemed confident that they'd be living together pretty soon, but they still don't, and as far as I know there are no plans in the works for that. They did buy a boat together, which I find hilarious for some reason. It just seems like the classic affair-couple thing to do.
"Sarah" took a long time to accept that her marriage was truly over, but once she did, she really did an admirable job of moving on. She engrossed herself in home improvement projects, she remains the same incredible mom that she's always been, and she's been in a FWB-type relationship (which is all she wants right now) with a nice, funny guy for almost two years. We hang out here and there, especially when my pool is open in the summer. We aren't nearly as dependent on each other as we were in the beginning, but we're still close friends. And no, still nothing more than that, which I'm glad about because the one thing this situation definitely never needed was more drama.
My ex left the school district she was working for and took a job in a neighboring district. I have no idea what Shithead is up to, nor do I care. I hardly ever see him except at the occasional school event. For a while there, I was worried that he'd look at me the wrong way and I'd wind up in jail for knocking him out in an elementary school cafeteria or something, but I just don't care enough about him anymore for that to be a concern.
So, all in all, life is pretty OK right now. I do miss being a family. I still have nightmares about all of this stuff and deal with intrusive thoughts at times. I fall asleep to audiobooks now to keep those thoughts at bay; otherwise I still struggle to sleep sometimes. But my girlfriend is amazing, I have an incredibly supportive family (I just officiated my sister's wedding a couple of months ago!), and I have a big dog who needs lots of walks and that's a HUGE help for me on so many levels.
I hope that update answered people's questions. Thanks again for all of the support! | 6,397 | 2022-12-11T19:01:38 | OP's wife cheated on him with his best friend and he had his revenge. Some updates 3+ years later | CONCLUDED | boringhistoryfan | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zj44er/ops_wife_cheated_on_him_with_his_best_friend_and/ | false | false | [
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zj6tzb | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T20:17:11 | 🎉Guide To Claim 1,000 Free SEA Token Airdrop 🌊 (Current value $590) | CONCLUDED | AvaemaiVaetua855 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zj6tzb/guide_to_claim_1000_free_sea_token_airdrop/ | false | false | [
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zj7kv1 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T20:34:59 | 🎉Guide To Claim 1,000 Free SEA Token Airdrop 🌊 (Current value $590) | CONCLUDED | Arosario92534 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zj7kv1/guide_to_claim_1000_free_sea_token_airdrop/ | false | false | [
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zj9vnt | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T21:28:59 | Balenciaga Released their own NFT for Free for the first 999 People. | CONCLUDED | M7D6A765 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zj9vnt/balenciaga_released_their_own_nft_for_free_for/ | false | false | [
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zja4bi | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T21:34:49 | Balenciaga Released their own NFT for Free for the first 999 People. | CONCLUDED | MealTwoo226 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zja4bi/balenciaga_released_their_own_nft_for_free_for/ | false | false | [
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zjagvi | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T21:43:36 | AITA for allowing my 8 year old daughter to shave her head? | REPOST | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjagvi/aita_for_allowing_my_8_year_old_daughter_to_shave/ | false | false | [
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zjamb3 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T21:47:26 | Official Porsche NFT public/free Ethereum mint now live. 1000 hand drawn sketches with tangible benefits for Porsche owners. Interesting at least. | CONCLUDED | V35715739 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjamb3/official_porsche_nft_publicfree_ethereum_mint_now/ | false | false | [
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zjc17j | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T22:21:51 | 🎉Guide To Claim 1,000 Free SEA Token Airdrop 🌊 (Current value $590) | CONCLUDED | Pongsakornp131604 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjc17j/guide_to_claim_1000_free_sea_token_airdrop/ | false | false | [
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zjcjf1 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T22:32:58 | Official Porsche NFT public/free Ethereum mint now live. 1000 hand drawn sketches with tangible benefits for Porsche owners. Interesting at least. | CONCLUDED | HerShuAddiction662 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjcjf1/official_porsche_nft_publicfree_ethereum_mint_now/ | false | false | [
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zjcll4 | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/jakdkskwkkka in r/amitheasshole**
---
&nbsp;
[**AITA for allowing my 8 year old daughter shave her head?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/g43da4/aita_for_allowing_my_8_year_old_daughter_shave/) - 19 April 2020
So this past week my 8 year old daughter has been begging me to shave her head. This just started after her 17 year old cousin did it. I've always considered myself a supportive mom and let my kids do whatever they want (within reason of course)
She had extremely long, blonde, gorgeous hair just like I do. She was fully aware that I was going to support her decision, school was cancelled for the rest of the year and she won't go back to school until August (possibly September) so her hair will have time to grow out.
So last night, I got out my husband's clippers and shaved her head for her. She smiled the whole time and loved the end result.
The next day, I took a photo to send to my mom and only my mom. My mom decided to forward it to a bunch of other family members, who got back to me. 90% of them agree that I'm the asshole for not saying no to her and setting limits for her, and also told me that I'm setting her up for bullying.
Here's the thing - it's literally her hair will grow back. She knows. I asked her if she regretted it and she is extremely happy that she did it. As for bullying, she knows how to stand up for herself and that hair doesn't define her beauty.
I personally don't think I'm TA but I want to know everyone else's views on this.
Verdict: NTA
&nbsp;
[**UPDATE - AITA for allowing my 8 year old to shave her head?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gmrbbk/update_aita_for_allowing_my_8_year_old_to_shave/) - 19 May 2020
So many of you guys said that I am NTA. The people who told me I was TA said that because she would regret that decision.
We shaved her head almost a month ago. Just a few nights ago she asked me to shave it again for her since she really liked it. I was more than happy to do it.
I do plan on buying her a wig or two off of Amazon before she goes back to school in case she regrets it and wants to wear it to school but take it off at home.
I just want to make it clear - my husband's side of the family (her dad) was fully supportive (after all, her cousin inspired her to do it) I'm also spending less on shampoo and conditioner (she had super long hair)
As for my side of the family who was upset about it - some of them had a change of heart after she talked to them herself and told them that she was really happy with her decision. The other few think that she was forced to say she was happy, but I don't care.
My mom, who was the one who forwarded the picture to my family, apologized. She told me she did it because she thought she looked adorable but should have asked me first. But she was supportive of us.
My daughter wants me to let everyone know that if you really want to shave your head, just do it. According to her, she loves the way it feels on her pillows (she has silk pillowcases) and she liked feeling the shower and rain on her head.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 8,632 | 2022-12-11T22:34:33 | AITA for allowing my 8 year old daughter to shave her head? | REPOST | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjcll4/aita_for_allowing_my_8_year_old_daughter_to_shave/ | false | false | [
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zjd8uw | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T22:51:14 | So it seems the Porsche nft public free minting has started.. Yet another example of boomer brands trying to stay relevant - Ill pass, but it does show how huge NFTs have become. | CONCLUDED | murrrus7692 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjd8uw/so_it_seems_the_porsche_nft_public_free_minting/ | false | false | [
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zjdpjh | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T23:04:39 | Palm Angels NFT public/free Ethereum mint now live. 2022 NFTs for the first 2022 people. | CONCLUDED | DeadAirSignal934 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjdpjh/palm_angels_nft_publicfree_ethereum_mint_now_live/ | false | false | [
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zjeib4 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T23:29:04 | Official Porsche NFT public/free Ethereum mint now live. 1000 hand drawn sketches with tangible benefits for Porsche owners. Interesting at least. | CONCLUDED | anisha_vm533 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjeib4/official_porsche_nft_publicfree_ethereum_mint_now/ | false | false | [
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zjfdc7 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-11T23:56:52 | So it seems the Porsche nft public free minting has started.. Yet another example of boomer brands trying to stay relevant - Ill pass, but it does show how huge NFTs have become. | CONCLUDED | badayezz6620 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjfdc7/so_it_seems_the_porsche_nft_public_free_minting/ | false | false | [
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zjgany | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-12T00:26:41 | 🎉Guide To Claim 1,000 Free SEA Token Airdrop 🌊 (Current value $590) | CONCLUDED | rollingonchrome813 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjgany/guide_to_claim_1000_free_sea_token_airdrop/ | false | false | [
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zjgiqu | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-12T00:34:05 | My (24F) boyfriend (31M) has always been extremely cold. Today I found out he was diagnosed as a psychopath. How do I proceed? | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjgiqu/my_24f_boyfriend_31m_has_always_been_extremely/ | false | false | [
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zjj4uv | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-12T02:05:04 | So it seems the Porsche nft public free minting has started.. Yet another example of boomer brands trying to stay relevant - Ill pass, but it does show how huge NFTs have become. | CONCLUDED | kelvin___wang9048 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjj4uv/so_it_seems_the_porsche_nft_public_free_minting/ | false | false | [
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zjj5os | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/throwra-psychotic in r/relationship_advice**
trigger warnings: >!murder, manipulation, animal cruelty!<
mood spoiler: >!somewhat hopeful!<
---
&nbsp;
[**My (24F) boyfriend (31M) has always been extremely cold. Today I found out he was diagnosed as a psychopath. How do I proceed?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/hitxl8/my_24f_boyfriend_31m_has_always_been_extremely/) - 30 June 2020
Title says it all, basically my bf has never really been the most loving. He doesn't seem to care about anyone or anything except me, or at least I thought. But when I was looking through some of his old stuff, I found out that he had been diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) which is the medical term for a psychopath. Apparently it's genetic because his father also was diagnosed with it and is currently in jail for killing his wife/my bf's mother. I've read his testimony before and his only reason was 'because I felt like it'. It was chilling, but I didn't think my boyfriend was like that AT ALL. I knew he didn't really care about most people, but he is extremely charming (how he seduced me, I guess).
However, now that I know of my boyfriend's diagnosis, I've been going through our entire 4 year relationship and reconsidering it. In our 4 years of dating, he doesn't really say "I love you" out of the blue, he will only say it if I say it first. I never really noticed this but now that I know about his diagnosis, well... that changes things. The way he says I love you is, frankly, devoid of emotions as well. He says it matter-of-factly, not like he actually means it.
There's a lot of other things he does that I guess wouldn't be considered normal? He has never hit me or been physically violent, nor has he verbally abused me, but he treats me like a child. He likes to order me around to do things for him. Everything has to be *his* way. He respects my opinion and will even change his plans to work around mine, but ultimately he is the decision maker. I've pointed this out to him in the past and he says that he values my opinion immensely and that I am the smartest person he has met. I used to believe him, but what if this is just another tactic to manipulate me?
He also has a high-paying executive job and I've heard from his employees that he can be very cruel to them. I would always dismiss their concerns because I thought they were just jealous, but now I realize that isn't the case.
I don't know what to do anymore. Can psychopaths love? Is he just manipulating me? I feel like my entire relationship is a lie, but am I being ableist by stereotyping him based on this diagnosis?
&nbsp;
[**UPDATE: My (24F) boyfriend (31M) has always been extremely cold. Today I found out he was diagnosed as a psychopath. How do I proceed?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/hk3sva/update_my_24f_boyfriend_31m_has_always_been/) - 2 July 2020
I made a post two days ago about how I found my boyfriend’s ASPD/psychopathy diagnosis.
A day after I posted that, I finally decided to go and talk to him about it. Since it was a conversation, I don’t know word for word what he or I said, but I was taking notes on what he was saying for my own benefit and for the purposes of this post. He noticed that I was taking notes but didn't seem to care/didn't comment on them. If you just want to see my notes as a TL;DR of sorts, then here is the imgur link (be warned, my handwriting is messy, also the parts that are covered or crossed out is personal information): [my notes](https://imgur.com/uhhP9c8)
Without further ado, here is a summary of what transpired in script form since idk how else to write it. I tried my best to make it the most accurate I could to reality but obviously I cant remember every little thing that happened. Thus, it may sound overly dramatic/unrealistic at times which is why I attached the notes just in case you wanted the raw facts.
Me: Yesterday when you were at work I found some boxes. I was looking through them and found this form *I showed the form with his diagnosis* I was wondering why you didn’t tell me about this at all? And I want you to be completely honest, no more lying.
Him: I don’t see why it was necessary to tell you. Besides, I made no attempt to hide it.
Me: You do realize that this makes me question our entire relationship?
Him: Why?
Me: Well, how am I supposed to know you haven’t just been manipulating me?
Him: I was under the impression you were also manipulating me. Were you not?
Me: *is silent because I am shocked*
Him: You have tried to make me a better person. You constantly want me to make friends. You chastise me when I act a certain way toward my employees. I have become your pet project. You believe that your kind presence will make me kind.
Me: You aren’t a project, you’re my boyfriend!
Him: There isn’t a difference. Isn’t a relationship supposed to be mutually beneficial? I improve you, you improve me.
Me: *is close to tears* So you don’t love me, you just want benefits?
Him: I never said that. I do love you.
Me: How do I know you aren’t lying?! When you’ve lied this entire time?! (I was getting angry at this point, he was still not reacting)
Him: If you truly believe I am a liar, then nothing I do will prove that assumption wrong.
Me: Well prove that you love me then.
Him: I love the conversations we have. I love that you accept me for who I am. I love your intelligence and wit. I have said it before and I’ll say it again, you are the smartest person I have ever met.
Me: But that doesn’t sound very psychopathic.
Him: Not everything I do has to be psychopathic.
Me: Well then have you ever killed anyone or anything?
Him: I have killed rodents. That’s it.
Me: *disgusted*
Him: It was a long time ago, I was much younger then and my mother had recently been murdered.
Me: That’s no excuse! Did you kill them brutally?
Him: I suppose. (he described how he killed them with almost glee and I’m not going to say it here because it is not good)
Me: Do you feel guilty about that AT ALL!? *I was inching away from him at this point because I was very disturbed*
Him: No. Though, if you are concerned, I have no desire to do that again.
Me: Well, that’s good at least. Do you think you would kill a human?
Him: Like my father did?
Me: I guess?
Him: I will never be my father. I don’t like that implication.
Me: Sorry.
Him: Why are you asking me all these questions?
Me: I’m a bit scared of you.
Him: I have never done anything to harm you.
Me: I know, I just need answers. When did you get your diagnosis?
Him: Eleven years ago.
Me: Okay, but why?
Him: [name redacted] told me I should.
Me: You don’t normally listen to people’s advice.
Him: Admittedly, after she mentioned it, I wondered if I had inherited any of my father’s characteristics. So, I went.
Me: Do you think the diagnosis is correct?
Him: I do. Though it has been quite a while, and I never got a second opinion, so perhaps it has changed.
[after this we started talking about personal things I will not share on the internet]
Me: Would you be upset if I broke up with you?
Him: Yes. (he didn’t look upset at all)
Me: I think we need to take a break for a month, I need to sort my feelings out. (this seems to come out of nowhere, but I was considering this throughout the conversation, and his lack of emotion was the deciding factor)
Him: *actually looks angry/upset for a second, but then is calm again, so maybe I’m just imagining things* After four years together you’re going to leave just because of a piece of paper?
Me: I’m not saying it’s forever. I just need to take some time away from you.
Him: Fine. Where will you stay?
Me: Here.
Him: This is my house, and since you are the one breaking up with me, I don’t think it’s fair that I leave.
Me: Whatever.
Him: For what it’s worth, it would be very unfortunate to lose you.
Me: I don’t want to lose you either. But I need a break.
I went upstairs to pack essentials, then I left. Right before, I gave him a peck on the lips. That was a lapse of judgement on my part. I will say that he didn’t look happy that I was leaving, and as I was walking to leave he asked me to stay. I said no, he said ‘fine’, and left it at that.
So yeah, there you have it. I still love him, and I do think he was genuine when he said he loved me, but I’m not sure I can get over all of the things he’s done. I went into this conversation hopeful, but as soon as he said he didn’t feel it was necessary to tell me, my emotions took over and I started asking way more accusatory questions. To be honest, I wish I had been more logical in my approach, maybe then we would’ve arrived at a different conclusion.
If you’re wondering, I am staying with a friend at the moment, he doesn’t know where/which friend. I just need this month to regroup and decide what my next steps are. He was one of the best parts of my life, I had never connected to anyone the way I did with him. I have no clue what I will do, and frankly, I need advice. With all that has happened, what do you think I should do? Also, I have no way to prove if he’s telling the truth or not, so before you yell at me in the comments saying these are all lies, just know that all I know about his diagnosis is what he’s told me. I may try and track down the psychologist he went to, but I think that would be a breach of confidentiality if she told me anything about him. Anyways, please feel free to give me advice.
**Edit:**
A lot of you are bashing me for this, and that is completely fine as you are entitled to your own opinion. However, as u/vesperjacked reminded me, I forgot to mention that the reason for his psychopathy diagnosis (not an official term but something that the psychologist wrote on his form) was because of his violence toward animals and the careless/almost gleeful way he talked about it. (Stop reading here if you are triggered by animal ab*se) The rodents in question weren’t random rats, they were squirrels, often babies, that fell out of trees. My boyfriend would see them, take a cloth, and suffocate them. Right before they died, he would take the cloth off, take a sharp knife, and carve through their chest. He would then take out their eyeballs and finally stab them repeatedly until they died . When he told me this story he said it with such nonchalance that I couldn’t even believe what I was hearing. He was 8 when his mother died, and this started when he was 7 (ended at age 11).
I recommend reading u/smigglesthrowaway ’s comment if you want an analysis on the things he said during the conversation. But still, I do appreciate all the advice and comments.
&nbsp;
[**Final Update: My (24F) boyfriend (31M) has always been extremely cold. Today I found out he was diagnosed as a psychopath. How do I proceed?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/hxqvrm/final_update_my_24f_boyfriend_31m_has_always_been/) - 25 July 2020
This is the final update to [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/hitxl8/my_24f_boyfriend_31m_has_always_been_extremely/). I wasn’t planning on making an update but a few people have asked me for it so here we are. Before I start, I ask that you do not directly insult me. You can say whatever you want about my actions, but I would appreciate it if you don’t DM me with insults/attacks. Quite frankly you know nothing about me other than what I’ve chosen to share and thus can’t make an accurate judgement about my character as a whole, so there is no need to attack me. I’m also not directly looking for advice at the moment, this is simply an update post. However, if you want to give your two cents, it will be appreciated! Thank you.
Anyways, a few days after I made my first update post, I was still staying with my friend. I must admit, those first few days were hell to go through. Every five minutes I would think about my boyfriend and want to contact him. I kept trying to distract myself but of course my thoughts kept wandering back. He followed through on his word and didn’t contact me, which I appreciate as it made me feel less tempted. However, it was still extremely hard to distance myself when he was literally a text message away.
On the fourth day of our separation, the friend I’m staying with apparently bumped into him at the grocery store. I don’t know if she actually came upon him by accident or if she purposefully sought him out, but either way, they had a conversation. She asked him where I was (even though she knew where I was) and he said it was none of her business. She then lied to him and said that she hadn’t seen me in a while (apparently in an attempt to worry him). He, again, was not phased and did not contact me, which either means he could care less about my location, suspects I’m with my friend, or simply doesn’t want to bother me.
In the next few weeks, I continued to try and distract myself by working, studying, or talking with my friends. I also decided to research more about ASPD during this time and I talked to a therapist about the struggles I have faced in my relationship. She gave me a lot of clarity and convinced me that, should I choose to make this work, he needs to come with me to couples therapy in order to work through our problems. Finally, I discussed ASPD and psychopathy with a psychologist who specializes in it. She told me what a few of you said in the comments, that in order to be diagnosed with psychopathy you HAVE to have violent tendencies and show no remorse whatsoever. She warned me against continuing the relationship, because while he loves me in his own way, as soon as I stop benefitting him, he will most likely drop me.
Still, in my naivety, I decided to talk to him as a last ditch effort to save our relationship. I broke my almost month long silence and texted him asking to meet at a park should he want to see me. He said yes and we met up yesterday. I told him that I believed him when he said that he loved me, and that I wanted to make this work, but there would have to be conditions such as couples therapy and counseling for his childhood trauma. I also requested that he act nicer to his employees as I didn’t want to be with someone who treated people below him that badly. He immediately shut that down and said therapy was for idiots who don’t know how to control themselves. He also didn’t understand why he should treat his employees nicely as they were incompetent. He didn’t raise his voice (probably because we were in public if I’m being quite honest), but his demeanor was very aggressive. He said that I was only calling him out on his behavior because of his diagnosis and that I was fine with him before. However, he is wrong. In this month apart I have realized that I *wasn’t* fine with him before, I was just excusing his actions. I told him as such and he got even more annoyed. He asked me why I wasted his time making him come when I could’ve just told him on text and been done with it. I told him I was trying to save our relationship and he just rolled his eyes and said he couldn’t believe he spent so many years with me. He then left.
So yeah. Could I have handled it differently? Sure. Do I regret what happened? Kind of. But what’s done is done and I guess all I have to do is move forward. I’m going to have to pick up my stuff from our house later and get my name off the lease. The friend I’m staying with has been nothing but accommodating toward me and is letting me continue to stay for a while until I find myself a new place. With the pandemic it’s going to be hard but I’m sure I will manage. Thank you to everyone who gave me genuine advice throughout this journey.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 9,404 | 2022-12-12T02:05:49 | My (24F) boyfriend (31M) has always been extremely cold. Today I found out he was diagnosed as a psychopath. How do I proceed? | CONCLUDED | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjj5os/my_24f_boyfriend_31m_has_always_been_extremely/ | false | false | [
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zjj7rf | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-12T02:07:48 | Balenciaga Released their own NFT for Free for the first 999 People. | CONCLUDED | The_DeltaBravo994 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjj7rf/balenciaga_released_their_own_nft_for_free_for/ | false | false | [
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zjm9uz | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-12T04:00:25 | Family accidentally donates sentimental item to Goodwill and asks the Phoenix community to help them find it | CONCLUDED | kaytay3000 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjm9uz/family_accidentally_donates_sentimental_item_to/ | false | false | [
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zjma4r | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-12T04:00:46 | Official Porsche NFT public/free Ethereum mint now live. 1000 hand drawn sketches with tangible benefits for Porsche owners. Interesting at least. | CONCLUDED | jeremarketer885 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjma4r/official_porsche_nft_publicfree_ethereum_mint_now/ | false | false | [
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zjmbut | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-12T04:02:42 | Rolls Royce is Airdropping 1000 Free NFTs for first 1000 People To Claim It. | CONCLUDED | KimoKy7113 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjmbut/rolls_royce_is_airdropping_1000_free_nfts_for/ | false | false | [
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zjmokt | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-12T04:16:27 | Balenciaga Released their own NFT for Free for the first 999 People. | CONCLUDED | 0DGtVILiPmqJIIl41 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjmokt/balenciaga_released_their_own_nft_for_free_for/ | false | false | [
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zjmyxi | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-12T04:27:42 | Official Porsche NFT public/free Ethereum mint now live. 1000 hand drawn sketches with tangible benefits for Porsche owners. Interesting at least. | CONCLUDED | andrew_nassery53 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjmyxi/official_porsche_nft_publicfree_ethereum_mint_now/ | false | false | [
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zjnahr | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-12T04:40:36 | 🎉Guide To Claim 1,000 Free SEA Token Airdrop 🌊 (Current value $590) | CONCLUDED | bymeta1225 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjnahr/guide_to_claim_1000_free_sea_token_airdrop/ | false | false | [
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zjnwza | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-12T05:05:22 | Official Porsche NFT public/free Ethereum mint now live. 1000 hand drawn sketches with tangible benefits for Porsche owners. Interesting at least. | CONCLUDED | ThreeNameCrypto701 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjnwza/official_porsche_nft_publicfree_ethereum_mint_now/ | false | false | [
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zjnz39 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-12T05:07:49 | Official Porsche NFT public/free Ethereum mint now live. 1000 hand drawn sketches with tangible benefits for Porsche owners. Interesting at least. | CONCLUDED | spacemetaverse648 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjnz39/official_porsche_nft_publicfree_ethereum_mint_now/ | false | false | [
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zjokrw | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/TryingToBeGoodMom](https://www.reddit.com/user/TryingToBeGoodMom/). She posted in r/AITA.
For those of you on mobile who don't want spoilers, here is your daily fun fact! (per the request of u/Iwcwcwcool, it's about snails): The largest land snail recorded weighed nearly 2 pounds. I found competing sources for its length: one said 12 inches, one said 15.5. It was a Giant African Land Snail. ([source 1](https://www.snail-world.com/) [source 2](https://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/world-records/70397-largest-snail))
**Trigger Warning:** >!lies, implied domestic abuse !<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!sad but hopeful!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yavlmt/aita_for_lying_to_my_son_about_his_paternity/)**: October 22, 2022**
My son's father just got out of prison and contacted me about seeing him. He was in jail awaiting trial when my son (Ken) was born, and I did not put his name on the birth certificate. When I got married, my husband adopted Ken.
Ken is 16 now, and he had no idea his dad isn't his biological father. I was at a crossroads, but I decided that since Ken is almost an adult I had to be honest with him. My husband and I sat Ken down and told him the truth and that his bio father wanted to meet him. Ken was furious with me and didn't want to finish talking to us. He went to his friend's house.
Ken didn't give me a chance to explain why I did what I did. I wanted Ken to have a happy normal childhood, unburdened by the knowledge that his father is a criminal. I wanted him to have a healthy male role model. Ken has thrived and is doing great in school. He has friends and even mentors middle schoolers through a program at school. I think my deception helped him.
Still, my son feels betrayed and currently won't answer my calls. My husband managed to get a text saying he is okay and to give him space, but that is all. Was I wrong for trying to protect him?
***Relevant Comments:***
*Someone asks what the bio father was in jail for:*
"Robbery"
*Someone asks if bio dad was good to OOP before he went to prison:*
"Not at all."
***OOP is voted YTA because she waited so long to tell her son his dad wasn't his bio father***
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ydtnze/update_i_lied_to_my_son_about_his_paternity/)**: October 26, 2022**
I know most people here think I'm a terrible mother, so you probably don't want to hear from me again. However, if anyone out there is struggling with a similar situation to the one I had, maybe this can help you.
My son and I sat down and had a long talk. He wanted to know everything about his biological father. I told him there are some things I would prefer not to tell him, but would if he insisted. He insisted. So I told him everything.
It was very hard for him, and he had a lot of complicated emotions about it. He asked if his biological father knows where we live. He doesn't; all he has is my email. However, we aren't exactly hidden, and finding us is a possibility. I asked if he wanted me to respond to the email or ignore it.
My son asked me to email his biological father and ask him to leave us alone. He asked if his bio father knows our current last name, and I said he shouldn't. He told me that he is hurt that I lied to him. He feels like he can't trust me as much as he once did.
I told him that I was sorry, and that part of growing up is learning that parents aren't perfect and don't have all the answers/ always make the right choices. He had a long talk with my husband. He said he still considers my husband dad, and they hugged it out.
All in all, I regret my decision. I think it would have been better to tell him at a younger age that his dad isn't his biological dad. Then he would've had time to adjust instead of finding everything out at once. As it is, this is a huge revelation to deal with at a time in his life where he's already got a lot on his shoulders.
**Comment left by OOP on this post:**
"We’ve been really good lately. We’ve been decorating the house for Christmas and talking a lot. We had a couple of meetings with his school guidance counselor, not exactly therapy, but more like a moderated discussion. It was really helpful." | 5,487 | 2022-12-12T05:31:58 | AITA for lying to my son about his paternity? | CONCLUDED | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjokrw/aita_for_lying_to_my_son_about_his_paternity/ | false | false | [
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zjovg1 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-12T05:44:22 | Rolls Royce is Airdropping 1000 Free NFTs for first 1000 People To Claim It. | CONCLUDED | nfth0nter764 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjovg1/rolls_royce_is_airdropping_1000_free_nfts_for/ | false | false | [
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zjp3zj | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-12T05:54:33 | Official Porsche NFT public/free Ethereum mint now live. 1000 hand drawn sketches with tangible benefits for Porsche owners. Interesting at least. | CONCLUDED | AndrewWeirArt202 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjp3zj/official_porsche_nft_publicfree_ethereum_mint_now/ | false | false | [
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zjphay | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-12T06:09:31 | Rolls Royce is Airdropping 1000 Free NFTs for first 1000 People To Claim It. | CONCLUDED | catano1984443 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zjphay/rolls_royce_is_airdropping_1000_free_nfts_for/ | false | false | [
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