conversations
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[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, \"Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?\" \"Yes,\" the golfer responded. \"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?\" the cop asked. \"Yes, I did. How did you know?\" the golfer asked. \"Well,\" said the policeman very seriously, \"Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?\" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, \"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing. To which the boy replied, \"Yes, ma'am, he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An Irish priest loved to fly fish, it was an obsession of his. So far this year the weather had been so bad that he hadn't had a chance to get his beloved waders on and his favorite flies out of their box. Strangely though, every Sunday the weather had been good, but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work. The weather forecast was good again for the coming Sunday so he called a fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice and be in bed with the flu. He asked him to take over his sermon. The fly fishing priest drove fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognize him. An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what the priest was doing. He told God who agreed that he would do something about it. With the first cast of his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly. For over an hour the priest ran up and down the river bank fighting the fish. At the end when he finally landed the monster size fish it turned out to be a world record Salmon. Confused the angel asked God, \"Why did you let him catch that huge fish? I thought you were going to teach him a lesson.\" God replied \"I did. Who do you think he's going to tell?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Last winter, while sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. The guy could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, \"Are there any gators around here?!\" \"Naw,\" the man hollered back, \"they ain't been around for years!\" \"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, \"How did you get rid of the gators?\" \"We didn't do nothin',\" the beachcomber said. \"The sharks got 'em.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks \"Any luck?\" \"Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday\" he boasts. \"Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?\" asks the stranger. \"Nope.\" \"Well, meet the new game warden.\" \"Oh,\" gulped the fisherman. \"Well, do you know who I am?\" \"Nope\". \"Meet the biggest liar in the state.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: \"Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying.\" \"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two men were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie did appear! This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, \"Make the entire ocean into beer!\" Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned to the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the sudden stillness as the the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one who's wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: \"Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys full of youthful after-school enthusiasm came down his street beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, \"You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each two dollars if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing.\" The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. \"Look,\" he said, \"I haven't received my Social Security (Pension) check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?\" \"A lousy quarter?\" the drum leader exclaimed. \"If you think we're going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!\" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, \"What is three times three?\" \"274\" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, \"It's your turn. What is three times three?\" \"Tuesday,\" replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, \"OK, Your turn. What's three times three?\" \"Nine,\" says the third man. \"That's great,\" says the doctor. \"How did you get that?\" \"Simple,\" says the third man, \"I subtracted 274 from Tuesday.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, \"Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill.\" Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. \"Well,\" said the other brother, \"you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Business\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young man was walking through a super-market to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him. \"Excuse me,\" he said. \"Can I help you?\" \"Oh, Pardon me,\" the old woman replied. \"I'm sorry if my staring has made you uncomfortable. But you look just like my son. He died recently and I never got to say goodbye.\" \"I'm very sorry,\" replied the young man. \"Is there anything I can do for you?\" \"Yes,\" she said, \"as I'm leaving, would you say 'Goodbye, mother?' It would make me feel so much better.\" \"Sure,\" answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, \"Goodbye, Mother!\" Then, as he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was nearly $200. \"How can that be?\" he asked. \"I only purchased a few things!\" The clerk replied, \"Your mother said you'd pay for her.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The old man was setting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. \"What are you selling, young man,\" the elderly gentleman asked. \"I'm not selling anything, sir,\" the young man replied. \"I'm a Census Taker.\" \"A what?\" the old man asked. \"A Census Taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the country.\" \"Well,\" the man answered, \"you're wasting your time with me... I have no idea!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, \"Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex.\" \"But you're not wearing any of those things,\" replied the artist. \"I know,\" she said. \"It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to recount the most frightening experience he had ever had. \"Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India,\" the old explorer said. \"I was pushing through the brush on a narrow trail. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of me! I grabbed my rifle and fired instantly, only to find that it had jammed! The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRR! I soiled myself.\" The reporter felt somewhat embarassed for the old man. \"Under those circumstances,\" he said, \"I think anyone would have done the same.\" \"No, no,\" the old explorer said. \"Not then - just now when I went ROARRR!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "At some point in time, a bad spell of wet weather came over a southern state, flooding most of many counties. Since the water was about six feet deep outside (and inside) their house, one family spent its time sitting on the porch roof, watching the wreckage float by. The son happened to notice a nice straw hat as it went downstream. \"My,\" he thought, \"I'll bet the person who lost that hat is sorry now!\" After the hat had floated out of sight around the corner of the house, the boy kept watching the river. Suddenly, much to his surprise, here comes the hat, floating upstream, against the current! This was obviously very strange, so the lad kept his eye on it. It floated upstream and around the other corner of the house... and came floating back down again. After a while, it came back upstream yet again, rounding the corner of the house. Finally, the boy could stand it no longer and pointed out the hat to his mother, asking her whatever could cause such a sight. His mother replied, \"Oh, that's just your grandfather. He swore it'd take more than a few drops of rain to keep him from mowing the lawn today.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An old man went to the doctor for his yearly physical. His wife came along to keep him company. The doctor checked his reflexes, looked down his throat, and listened to his chest with a stethescope. He made a few notes and said, \"I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.\" \"What?\" said the old man, being hard of hearing. \"I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample,\" repeated the doctor loudly. \"What did he say?\" shouted the old man, looking at his wife. \"What's he want?\" His wife yelled into his ear, \"He needs your underwear!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Cat fitness really can be fun. However, it is important to start any fitness program only when you feel like it. Don't let a few extra pounds intimidate you into becoming more active. The most important aspect of fitness is: when to start the program. The best time is at about 2 a.m. The house is quiet; there are no distractions. The warm-up is critical. Cats are experts at stretching, so this won't be a problem. Start with a few wind sprints, full speed, toenails clicking on the tile or linoleum floors. A few low but loud growls will help you feel charged up. Now it is time to add some eye-paw coordination work. Find a marble (the big steelies work even better) and roll that down the floor as the sprints continue. See how many times you can ricochet it off the wallboards before it disappears under the fridge. Finally, work on that upper body strength. Climbing is a great exercise. Use draperies, macramé plant hangers, or clothing on hangers. You can even find some carpeting on some basement walls. Backs of chairs work well, too. Now put it all together. A speed sprint to the end of the hall! A race around the living room! Leap to the back of the rocking chair! Let the rebound launch you to the top of the swinging planter! Rock that baby! Feel those muscles work. Just as the hook pulls loose from the ceiling, dash to the bedroom and dive under the covers. Establish your alibi just in time to hear the crash of the plant to the floor below. Have a good Work-Out!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "On the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me: Twelve bags of catnip! Eleven tarter Pounce treats, Ten ornaments hanging, Nine wads of Kleenex, Eight peacock feathers, Seven stolen Q-tips, Six feathered balls, Five MILK JUG RINGS! Four munchy house plants, Three running faucets, Two fuzzy mousies, And a hamste-e-er in a plastic ball!!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Now I lay me down to sleep, The king-size bed is soft and deep.. I sleep right in the center groove My human cannot hardly move! I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tight And here is where I pass the night No one disturbs me or dares intrude Till morning comes and \"I want food!\" I sneak up slowly to begin my nibbles on my human's chin. She wakes up quickly, I have sharp teeth- And my claws I will unsheath For the morning here and it's time to play always seem to get my way. So thank you Lord for giving me This human person that I see. The one who hugs me and holds me tight And sacrifices her bed at night!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: \"This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez.\" When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Is your devotion to your cat and \"cat things\" in the training stage, at a moderate level, or extreme? Or are you an all out shameless \"cat-a-holic?\" Let's just see how you rate as a \"cat person,\" shall we? See how many of these can you give an HONEST \"yes\" answer to:"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "\"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.\"--Unknown \"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.\"--Anonymous \"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.\"--Jeff Valdez \"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.\" --Ellen Perry Berkeley \"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.\"--Mary Bly \"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.\"--Joseph Wood Krutch \"People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.\" --Faith Resnick \"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.\"--Anonymous \"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.\"--Hippolyte Taine \"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.\"--Anonymous"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Dashing through the park With our noses to the ground Walking on our ears Pretending to be hounds Not using our eyes We navigate by smell If its over an inch high Then, its got a tale to tell Oh, Doggie smells Doggie smells Outside of our home Oh we love those doggie smells When on the leash we roam Doggie smells Doggie smells Marking every tree All our other doggie friends Have stopped right here to pee!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, \"Jesus is watching you.\" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. \"Jesus is watching you,\" the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, \"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?\" \"Yes\", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, \"What's your name?\" \"Clarence,\" said the bird. \"That's a dumb name for a parrot,\" sneered the burglar. \"What idiot named you Clarence?\" The parrot said, \"The same idiot who named the rottweiller Jesus.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Markin' around The Christmas Tree What a doggie holiday Just doin' what comes naturally Even though it's Christmas Day Markin' around The Christmas Tree Gotta squirt each present twice Spreading our scent on all this stuff It's a doggie paradise There may be some screaming when the humans rise at dawn (but remember) Grandma wraps her gifts in plastic Hey - come on - it's nothing drastic Markin' around the Christmas tree We just do what boydogs do Doin our duty gracefully And we'll share our loot with you Markin' around the Christmas tree All precautions were in vain We must own everything we see So we stake our doggie claim Markin' around the Christmas tree We don't see the problem here But if we're caught we know that we Will be dragged off by the ear People shout and tell us we are evil little curs (but remember) We're not trying to be snotty YOU installed this indoor potty Markin' around the Christmas Tree Gonna check our list off twice When Santa visits, we know he Can just sniff out who is NICE!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Oh the snow in the yard is yellow Thanks to our doggie fellow But the droppings sink way down low Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow! So the scooper sits rusting outside As we wait for Spring and \"low tide\" The piles will wait down below Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow! In the warmth of the summer sun We must scoop every day in the yard But as soon as the winter comes Finding the stuff gets quite hard While the piles sit there fertilizing Our backs arent exercising Our rest is short, this we know (please) Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "jingle, tingle, jingle, tingle, jingle tingle, oh... Just hear those dog tags jingling Ring ting tingling too Come on its lovely weather For a walkie together with you Oh its just like Iditarod Pulling you on the ice Weve got the leashes in our mouths Were not gonna ask twice Giddy-yup giddy-yup, giddy-yup let's go Well eat all the snow Well drag you around till your cheeks glow Giddy-yup giddy-yup, giddy-yup it's grand Tugging at your hand Were galloping after the scent of a doggie parade thats grand The other dogs are out there now Making tracks in the snow All the best smells are fading fast To the park we must go So grab that leash and hurry up Anxious doggies are we Were loaded up with water So we can mark every tree!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone... \"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake,\" said an angry voice. Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up. The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back ... \"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "I'm sure you've heard the old story referring to optimism and pessimism that is determined by whther you think the glass is half-empty or half-full. Here are the reactions when somebody leaves a half glass of milk next to the keyboard."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Disclaimer to be used when purchasing software: This check is fully warranted against physical defects and poor workmanship in its stationery. If the check is physically damaged, return it to me and I will replace or repair it at my discretion. No other warranty of any kind is made, neither express nor implied including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of Merchantability, Suitability for Purpose, and Validity of Currency. Any and all risk concerning the actual value of this check is assumed by you, the recipient. Even though I or my agents may have assured you of its worth, either verbally or in written communication, we may have had our fingers crossed, so don't come whimpering back to me if it bounces. The money, if any, represented by this instrument remains my property. You are licensed to use it, however you are not allowed to copy the original check except for your personal records, nor are you permitted to give the money itself to anyone else. Neither may you allow any other person to use the money. Remember, you may have it in your possession, but it still belongs to me, and I'm going to call on you from time to time just to keep tabs on it. This agreement supersedes all others between us, including the equally ridiculous one you have undoubtedly pasted on the back of your packaging, or concealed somewhere in the middle of it. The location of your version of this or any other covenant between us is irrelevant to its inapplicability here. Only this one pertains, and I really mean it. In fact, this one supersedes yours even though yours may say that it supersedes mine. Why, even if yours said it would supersede mine even if mine said it would supersede yours even if yours said... Oh well. You get the idea. You may decline this agreement by returning the uncashed check to me within twenty-four hours. If you attempt to cash it, however, you have implicitly accepted these terms. You may also implicitly accept these terms by:"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Judy was having trouble with her computer. So she called Tony, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tony clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, \"So, what was wrong?\" And he replied, \"It was an ID Ten T Error.\" A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face. \"An ID Ten T Error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?\" He gave her a grin... \"Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?\" \"No,\" replied Judy. \"Write it down,\" he said, \"and I think you'll figure it out.\" (She wrote...) I D 1 0 T"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "They're know miss steaks in this newsletter cause we used special soft wear witch cheques you're spelling. It is mower or lass a weigh to verify. How ever is can knot correct arrows in punctuation ore usage: an it will not fined words witch are miss used butt spelled rite. Four example; a paragraph could have mini flaws but wood bee past by the spell checker. And it wont catch the sentence fragment which you. Their fore, the massage is that proofreading is knot eliminated, it is still berry much reek wired."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Hello. Yes, you! You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary-eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your Internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help. We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem. We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never \"cured,\" you most certainly can recover. We have designed a brief checklist to determine IF you are an addict. Do you:"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I create an empty New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I Exit without Saving? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch documents in the middle of my work? A: Stop shaking it."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Face it, you're gonna have to go outside eventually. Sure, Amazon.com will deliver right to your door and now even Taco Bell does deliveries, but, mark my words: some day you're going to HAVE to push away from the computer and go ... OUTSIDE!!! Here's a guide:"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "\"Honor System Virus\" This virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard disk, then forward this message to everyone you know. Thank you for your cooperation."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us guys find it rather funny. P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Loading, loading, loading, Damn this Java coding, Feeling of foreboding, Reload! The Applet says it's running, And that big gray block is stunning, But the screen remains as blank as my mind Netscape crash, Boot 'em up! Net goes down, Dial back! Logging on, Still off-line! Reload! Try it now, Still not up! Netscape crashed, What, again? Boot it up, Log it in, Reload! Tighten, tweaking', smoothen, They say the codes improvin', So how come I'm still usin' \"reload\"? I'm tired of all this waitin', Just give me .gif animation, This code is only good for wasting time, The applet says it's running, And gray block is quite stunning, But the screen remains as blank as my mind,"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "For immediate issue: Password Security Guidelines V2.2b Due to new security policies, the following guidelines have been issued to assist in choosing new passwords. Please follow them closely. Passwords must conform to at least 21 of the following attributes."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash. He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart, All of His commands are user friendly, His directory moves me to the right choices for His name's sake. Even though I scroll through the problems of file, I will fear no bugs, for You are my backup; Your password protects me; You prepare a menu before me in the presence of my enemies; Your help is only a key away. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, And my file will be merged with His and saved forever."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "New York -- People for Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been added to the group's \"watch list\" of companies that regularly practice software testing. \"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new products,\" said Ken Grandola, spokesperson for PETS. \"Alternative methods of testing these products are available.\" According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthy and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to \"break\" the software by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about \"torturing\" the software. \"It's no joke,\" said Grandola. \"Innocent programs, from the day they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and \"crashed\" for hours on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore.\" Grandola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs. \"We know that alternatives to this horror exist,\" he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become successful without resorting to software testing."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The annual internet clean up campaign will take place on the evening of March 31st beginning at 9pm EST and continue until April 1st 9am EST. This annual event occurs to remove the trash that forms on the internet throughout the year. Without this annual cleanup campaign the Internet would become so overrun with trash that its ability to pass information back and forth would become severely restricted. All internet users are advised to take the following precautions to prevent damage or loss of information:"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! If you receive an e-mail with a subject of \"Badtimes,\" delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most viscous and dangerous Email virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream gets melted. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play. It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit and hide your car keys when you are late for work. Badtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed, A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed, But one day he was talking to a recruiter, Who said, \"they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer...\" UNIX, that is... CRTs... Workstations... Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer. The kinfolk said \"Jed, move away from here\". They said \"Arizona is the place ya oughta be\", So he bought a box of donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee... Intel, that is... dry heat... no amusement parks... On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube. Fed him mo' donuts and sat him at a tube. Said \"yo project's outta budget, but we know just what to do. Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!\" OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory... The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad. Schedules were slipping and the boss was getting mad. They called another meeting and decided on a fix. The answer was simple... \"We'll work him sixty-six!\" Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life... Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey. Jed worked hard while his life just slipped away. Waiting to retire when he turned to 64, Instead he got a call and escorted out the door. Laid off, that is... lead hand shake... unemployed... Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told, Companies will use you and discard you when you're old. So gather up your friends and start your own firm, Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm. Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs... Y'all come back now... ya hear'"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "***** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***** This is straight from DC: If you receive an email entitled \"Badtimes\", delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and you Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the \"Badtimes\" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, It will also refill your skim milk with whole milk."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! If the label on your cable on the gable at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "QUESTION: Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my computer? ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so I decided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I started trying to find the sex drive on mine. I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel, then I got out all the manuals and went through them. I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A weary mother returned from the store, Lugging groceries through the kitchen door. Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son, Anxious to relate what his younger brother had done. \"While I was out playing and Dad was on a call, T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall! It's on the new paper you just hung in the den. I told him you'd be mad at having to do it again.\" She let out a moan and furrowed her brow, \"Where is your little brother right now?\" She emptied her arms and with a purposeful stride, She marched to his closet where he had gone to hide. She called his full name as she entered his room. He trembled with fear--he knew that meant doom! For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved About the expensive wallpaper and how she had saved. Lamenting all the work it would take to repair, She condemned his actions and total lack of care. The more she scolded, the madder she got, Then stomped from his room, totally distraught! She headed for the den to confirm her fears. When she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with tears. The message she read pierced her soul with a dart. It said, \"I love Mommy,\" surrounded by a heart. Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found it, With an empty picture frame hung to surround it. A reminder to her, and indeed to all, Take time to read the handwriting on the wall."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my sanity to keep. For if some peace I do not find, I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind. I pray I find a little quiet Far from the daily family riot. May I lie back--not have to think about what they're stuffing down the sink, or who they're with, or where they're at and what they're doing to the cat. I pray for time all to myself (did something just fall off a shelf?) To cuddle in my nice, soft bed (Oh no, another goldfish--dead!) Some silent moments for goodness sake (Did I just hear a window break?) And that I need not cook or clean-- (well heck, I've got the right to dream) Yes now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my wits about me keep, But as I look around I know-- I must have lost them long ago!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....\"Da-ad....\" \"What?\" \"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?\" \"No. You had your chance. Lights out.\" Five minutes later... \"Da-aaaad.....\" \"WHAT?\" \"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??\" \"I told you NO!\" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!\" Five minutes later... \"Daaaa-aaaad.....\" \"WHAT!\" \"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand -- to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, \"This doesn't feel so bad.\" The Lamaze instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. \"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?\" the husband asked. \"Exactly,\" replied the instructor. To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, \"Honey, pick up that pen for me.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Lord is my external-internal integrative mechanism, I shall not be deprived of gratification for my viscerogenic hungers or my need dispositions. He motivates me to orient myself toward a non-social object with affective significance. He positions me in a non-decisional situation. He maximizes my adjustment. Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive id impulses, I will maintain contact with reality, for my superego is dominant. His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me. He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts despite my Oedipal problem and psychopathic compulsions. He promotes my group identification. My personality is totally integrated. Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced as a direct function of time, And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and economically secure forever."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A class from a nearby university was visiting a major drug manufacturer. The tour guide led the students to a glass-enclosed room. They could see several people in white lab coats. With her back to the glass, the guide announced: \"In this room researchers are actively searching for a cure for cancer.\" She stopped short as the group broke out laughing. Puzzled, the guide turned to look. Through the glass she saw three scientists in animated debate, flipping through the Yellow Pages."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Female Pharmacist A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The man agreed and began by saying, \"This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?\" The pharmacist said, \"Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.\" When she returned, she said, \"We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, \"Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!\" He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting \"Thirteen!\" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home. Exercise 1: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough. Exercise 2: Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast. Exercise 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again. You are now properly prepared."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Everybody has a good excuse for not attending church. If you take those excuses and apply them to other things we do (or don't do), like eating, they might look like this list:"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "My appetite is my shepherd, I always want. It maketh me sit down and stuff myself. It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly Sometimes during the night. It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper. It destroyeth my shape. Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating, For the food tasteth so good. The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me. When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me. For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in. As I filleth my plate continuously. My clothes runneth smaller. Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me All the days of my life And I shall be \"pleasingly plump\" forever."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Lineup: Conscience is left behind at the gate. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught by Thighs and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music. The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0 Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple spin and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance. The Judges' scores read:Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0 Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his willies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess. The Judges' scores read:Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0 The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, \"How the heck can you give that mess 6.0?!\" To which the Irish judge replies \"You've got to remember, it's darn slippery out there."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungee Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around, but nobody was buying tickets. Zeke said to Zeb, \"Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea.\" After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back. As he came up Zeke noticed that his clothes were torn and wondered what happened. Zeb went down again and this time when he sprang back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding. Zeke thought, \"WOW! What is going on here?!?\" Zeb went down a third time and this time when he sprang back, Zeke noticed he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body. Zeke pulled Zeb in and said \"Zeb, what happened?\" Zeb, barely conscious, groaned, \"I don't know, but what's a piñata?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "My first is in kendo but not in Olympics. My second is in hurdles and in hunting. My third is in bowman and in bowling. My fourth is in cycling and in golf. My fifth is in flying and not in swimming. My last is in running and not in dancing. My whole is a sport. What am I? See Answer below... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. The answer to the Riddle is - Kung Fu"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (to do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, \"Do you know It costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing a beat the controller replied, \"Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. \"I'm too young to die!\" she wails. Then she yells, \"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??\" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. \"I can make you feel like a woman,\" he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: \"Here. Iron this.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "On a flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating. \"What seems to be the problem Madam?\" asked the attendant. \"Can't you see?\" she said, \"You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!\" \"Please calm down, Madam.\" the stewardess replied. \"The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class.\" The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her. A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin: \"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class.\" Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues... \"It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person.\" Having said that, the stewardess turned to the black man sitting next to the lady, and said: \"So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, \"US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on \"Charlie\" taxiway; you turned right on \"Delta\". Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!\" Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, \"You've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?\" The humbled crew responded, \"Yes, Ma'am.\" The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, \"Wasn't I married to you once?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, \"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!\" Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, \"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!\" A passenger in Coach said, \"That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows:"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools o hand to my spouse Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage \"Some Assembly Required.\" The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot! And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot! We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat- let no parts be missing or parts incomplete! Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; if we can't get it right, it goes in the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear, With each part numbered and every slot named, so if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, all over the carpet they were scattered about. \"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there! Slide on the seats, and staple the stair! Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.\" \"Honey,\" said hubby, \"you just glued my hand.\" And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night with \"assembly required\" till morning's first light We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work, till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin before we attached the last rod and last pin. Then laying the tools away in the chest, we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed out, \"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt. Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, and not have to run to the store for a thing! We did it! We did it! The toys are all set for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!\" Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefull went, though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded- I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Dear Santa, I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires. First of all, I, along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered \"Decorator Ken\", \"Beauty Salon Ken\", or \"Out Of Work Actor Ken\"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: \"S&M Ken\" , \"Green Lantern Ken\", \"Circuit Ken\", \"Bear Ken\", \"Master Ken\". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can \"push me away,\" I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before. In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action being taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine... at least that's what he said last night. Sincerely, Ken"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "To: All Employees From: Management Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council). In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....Please read the following carefully....... I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "If you are a man, chances are you have forgotten that Valentine's Day or that all-important anniversary is coming up soon. Now that you know, this seems a good time to pause for a large hysterical fit. The angst you are feeling right now stems from a complete lack of understanding about what makes a woman feel romantic. I don't know either, but I did look it up on the Internet. Not counting about 5,000 Web sites that seem to correlate the word \"romance\" with \"hot mamas,\" here's what I found out."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "After she woke up, a woman told her husband, \"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?\" \"You'll know on Valentine's Day.\" he said. On Valentine's Day, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled.... \"The Meaning Of Dreams.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "In sixteenth-century France, the start of the new year was observed on April first. It was celebrated in much the same way as it is today with parties and dancing into the late hours of the night. Then in 1562, Pope Gregory introduced a new calendar for the Christian world, and the new year fell on January first. There were some people, however, who hadn't heard or didn't believe the change in the date, so they continued to celebrate New Year's Day on April first. Others played tricks on them and called them \"April fools.\" They sent them on a \"fool's errand\" or tried to make them believe that something false was true. In France today, April first is called \"Poisson d'Avril.\" French children fool their friends by taping a paper fish to their friends' backs. When the \"young fool\" discovers this trick, the prankster yells \"Poisson d'Avril!\" (April Fish!)"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? A lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? 3 federal agents 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? 4 Cuban hitmen 3 federal agents 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? The Dallas P.D. 4 Cuban hitmen 3 federal agents 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? 6 Russian snipers the Dallas P.D. 4 Cuban hitmen 3 federal agents 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? 7 Corporations 6 Russian snipers the Dallas P.D. 4 Cuban hitmen 3 federal agents 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? 8 right wing loonies 7 corporations 6 Russian snipers the Dallas P.D. 4 Cuban hitmen 3 federal agents 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? 9 postal workers 8 right wing loonies 7 corporations 6 Russian snipers the Dallas P.D. 4 Cuban hitmen 3 federal agents 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? 10 Nazi soldiers 9 postal workers 8 right wing loonies 7 corporations 6 Russian snipers the Dallas P.D. 4 Cuban hitmen 3 federal agents 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? 11 ninja masters 10 Nazi soldiers 9 postal workers 8 right wing loonies 7 corporations 6 Russian snipers the Dallas P.D. 4 Cuban hitmen 3 federal agents 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy? 12 space invaders 11 ninja masters 10 Nazi soldiers 9 Postal workers 8 right wing loonies 7 corporations 6 Russian snipers the Dallas P.D. 4 Cuban hitmen 3 federal agents 2 Mafia thugs and a lone nut by the name of Lee"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Clinton died and went to heaven-or to be more accurate-approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. \"Who goes there?\" inquired St. Peter. \"'Tis I, your lordship, President Bill Clinton.\" \"And what do you want?\" asked St. Peter. \"Lemme in!\" replied Clinton. \"Soooo,\" pondered Peter. \"What bad things did you do on earth?\" Clinton thought a bit and answered, \"Well, I smoked marijuana-but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extramarital sex-but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have sexual relations. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury.\" After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, \"OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "I did not do it in a car I did not do it in a bar I did not do it in the dark I did not do it in the park I did not do it on a date I did not ever fornicate I did not do it at a dance I did not do it in her pants I did not get beyond first base I did not do it in her face I never did it in a bed If you think that, you've been misled I did not do it with a groan I did not do it on the phone I did not cause her dress to stain I never boinked Suddam Hussein I did not do it with a whip I never fondled Linda Tripp I never acted really silly With volunteers like Kathleen Willey There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher I chased her 'round, but could not catch her No kinky stuff, not on your life I wouldn't even with my wife And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes Was paid for by my right-wing foes And Paula Jones, and those state troopers Are just a bunch of party poopers I did not ask my friends to lie I did not hang them out to dry I did not do it last November But if I did, I don't remember I did not do it in the hall I could have, but I don't recall I never did it in my study I never did it with my dog, Buddy I never did it to Sox, the cat I might have-once-with Arafat I never did it in a hurry I never groped Ms Betty Currie There was no sex at Arlington There was no sex on Air Force One I might have copped a little feel And then endeavored to conceal But never did these things so lewd At least, not ever in the nude These things to which I have confessed They do not count, if we stayed dressed It never happened with cigar I never dated Mrs. Starr I did not know this little sin Would be retold on CNN I broke some rules my mama taught me I tried to hide, but now you've caught me But I implore, I do beseech Do not condemn, do not impeach I might have got a little tail But never, never did inhale"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "During the 2000 Campaign, George W. Bush promised a leaner and more cost-efficient military. \"I'm pleased to report,\" the President spoke, \"that we have downed the most sophisticated Chinese fighter without spending two million dollars on an air-to-air missile.\" President Bush's \"Don't Ask, Just Give 'em Hell\" policy is a sharp departure from former President Clinton's focus on moving the Pentagon to San Francisco and painting Navy battleships a bright lavender. The President was particularly pleased that it was a 50's era propeller driven plane that took out the Chinese aircraft. \"Heck, we bought and paid for that sucker fifty years ago. It didn't cost the American taxpayer a single dime to take out that commie.\" Bush was also pleased his \"Ram The Bastard\" policy for Navy submarines was a rousing success. \"Just think of all of the torpedoes we can save money on!\" The President seemed only momentarily flustered when asked if the Navy should, perhaps, target enemies of the United States instead of friendly countries like Japan. \"Didn't Japan sink a bunch of our battleships in World War I or II? I'll ask Poppy.\" The President wants to get the Army involved next by sending tanks into Canada. \"Moscow's in Canada, right?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour, as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family. A few minutes later, the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure. Incredulous, one reporter asked, \"But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed.\" Exasperated, the Pope answered, \"Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esquire, here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of the United States v. William J. Clinton:"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Priceline.com's stock soared and eBay created an entire new section on their online auction site to accommodate the US Congress' overhaul of campaign financial law. Senator John McCain, in a speech from Capitol Hill, praised his fellow Senators's choice to \"name your own price\" for Congressional influence. \"This is significant legislation that will turn around a stagnant economy by pouring millions into politicians' pockets.\" In the new law, private citizens will be able to log onto Priceline.com and \"name their own price\" to influence a member of the House. Citizens wishing to purchase a Senator need to logon to Ebay. William Jefferson Clinton has replaced William Shatner as spokesman for the new Congressional Priceline. In an \"off-camera\" remark, as Mr. Clinton held his crotch, he said, \"This is going to be *big*, really *big*.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Dear Tide, I'm writing to you to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since my college days, when my Mom told me it was the best. In fact, about a month ago, while at my girlfriend's house, I spilled some red wine on my new white shirt. She started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing lead to another and I had a lot of her blood on my white shirt, as well. I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it wouldn't come out. On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide and all of the stains came out. So well, in fact, that the DNA tests where negative! I thank you, once again, for a great product. I now have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people. Yours truly, Gary Condit"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "\"Florida Lottery\" Guess what?!?!? I won the lottery..I'm gonna be rich!! I won the Florida lottery! I'm now a multimillionaire! Can you believe it?!? I'm bouncing off the walls here! You see, my ticket doesn't have the exact winning numbers on it, but I meant to pick those winning numbers. The ticket was very confusing when I was filling it out and so I ended up with the wrong numbers on my card. But since I really meant to pick those other numbers, they're going to give me the money anyway!!!! They really shouldn't make those darn cards so hard to fill out!!! And even though I was confused, I didn't ask for help because no one would have helped me anyway and I didn't want to appear like I didn't know what I was doing. Isn't it nice of Florida to give the money anyway. I know, if the FL State Lottery won't give me the money, I'll just sue them!!!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, \"Aren't you Moses?\" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, \"Aren't you Moses?\" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, \"Aren't you Moses?\" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, \"Yes, I am.\" George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, \"The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "To the citizens of the United States of America: Following your failure to elect anybody, either a half decent candidate or a B-movie actor as President of the USA to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume a monarch's duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts:"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie. \"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!\" she exclaimed. \"No,\" said the genie, \"You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.\" \"Let's see,\" says Monica, \"I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed.\" Poof! And just like that..her ears fell off."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "In new documents just revealed by the Justice Department, in addition to the controversial pardon of fugitive Marc Rich, former President Clinton also pardoned Adolph Hitler and Satan. With minutes to go before his term expired, Clinton signed an order to pardon himself. Clinton's press liaison defended the pardons. \"President Clinton reasoned it's time to put this whole 'World War' thing behind us. \"While Hitler did indeed have a few bad years, he's been a model of civility for the last 56 years. We think he deserves a second chance.\" Clinton seemed to identify with Hitler. \"There were forces constantly at work against him. I'm not condoning what he did, mind you, but I feel his pain. I know exactly what it's like to have the media of the world against you.\" Clinton's pardon of Satan drew some right-wing Republican protests. Representative Dan Burton called upon Clinton to appear before Congress and explain the action. Burton believes there was a deal between the Prince of Darkness and Clinton to help build Clinton's Presidential Library in exchange for the pardon and Clinton's soul. Democrats were quick to dismiss the charges. Senator Tom Daschle said, \"These charges are bogus because President Clinton sold his soul to Satan years ago.\" Just before he posed for pictures on Inauguration Day with the new president, Clinton signed a pardon forgiving himself \"for any goddamned thing anyone wants to pin on me, for all eternity -- even things they've not found out about yet!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Well dere once was a story 'bout a man named Bill; Da poor president couldn't keep his willie still; Den one day he was workin' at his desk, When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest... Boobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's. Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees, Mouth open wide and as happy as you please; Bill sez, \"oh yeah now-don't say a thing,\" \"If you do a good job then we'll have a little fling.\" Blow job, that is. Phalli osculation. Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress, He said, \"Clean it up, 'cuz you really are a mess, And you're invited here to dis fine locality, To have a heapin' helpin' of little Willie C.\" Da wiener, that is. Da presidential staff. So week after week, Monica is on her knees Keepin' Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you please, But then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far, And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr. Bad girl, that is. Cigars. Bodacious ta ta's. Well it weren't too long till we all knew the score, 'bout da stuff dat went down behind da oval office door; Da country's in da toilet and da people cry, \"No More\" But if we oust da cheatin' jerk, den we gotta live with Gore. Boob, that is. Great big one. Head stuck up his rear. So now ya know da story 'bout Bill our president, Wonderin' if dis fling's gonna cost him every cent; So da moral of da story is to do it quietly, And stay outta trouble with dat bitch named Hillary."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th grade classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, \"tragedy.\" So the President asks the class for an example of a \"tragedy.\" One little boy stands up and offers, \"If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.\" \"No\" says Bush, \"that would be an accident.\" A little girl raises her hand: \"If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy.\" \"I'm afraid not\" explains the President. \"That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS.\" The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. \"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?\" Finally, way in the back of the room, a boy named Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, \"If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. \"Correct\" exclaims Bush, \"that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?\" \"Well,\" Lil' Johnny said, \"because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't be a great loss.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"School\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "When I first started college, the Dean came in and said \"Good Morning\" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded \"Ah, you're Freshmen.\" He explained, \"When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, it's Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it's Sophomores. When they look up so they can seethe instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors.\" When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it's graduate students.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"School\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"School\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, \"Johnny what is your problem?\" Johnny answered, \"I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!\" The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test. Principal: \"What is 3 x 3?\" Johnny: \"9\". Principal: \"What is 6 x 6?\" Johnny: \"36\". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, \"I think Johnny can go to the third grade.\" The teacher says to the principal, \"Let me ask him some questions?\" The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, \"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?\" Johnny, after a moment, \"Legs.\" Teacher: \"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?\" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, \"Pockets.\" Teacher: \"What does a dog do that a man steps into?\" Johnny: \"Pants\" Teacher: \"What starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?\" Johnny: \"Fire truck.\" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, \"Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There is a lot of talk about the United Nations creating a combined strike force with troops from several nations included in it. Could it work? Let's take a look at one operation. A combined force beach landing on a tropical island. When the troops hit the beach..."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three generals, one from the Army, one from the Air Force, and the third from the Marine Corps, were having a debate about whose soldiers were the bravest. To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: \"Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!\" \"YES SIR!\" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention. The general dismisses him. \"Now that's bravery!\" exclaims the general. \"Bravery, nothing,\" snorts the Army general. \"Get over here, private!\" \"YES SIR!!\" replies the private. \"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first.\" \"YES SIR!!\" replies the private, and completes the task. \"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!\" They look to the Marine. \"Private,\" the Marine Corps General commands. \"YES SIR!!\" \"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst.\" The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, \"TO HELL WITH YOU SIR!!\" The general turns to the others and says, \"Now THAT'S bravery!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000. The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000. Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third as to the additional bonus check. When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, \"from the tip of my penis, to the bottom of my testicles.\" The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop his pants...he did.... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. \"My God!\" he said, \"where are your testicles?!\" The general replied, \"Back in Nam!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias. \"Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable. When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. \"As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?\" \"Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?\" \"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves... \""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Business\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon listening to their voice mail using the speaker phone (at full volume, naturally)? It can really begin to bother you after a while. I found a fairly easy fix for that, though. I have my wife call his desk when he's not there and leave a message like \"Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven't paid for the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty boy. You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank you, would you?\" It is the last time you hear that particular speaker phone, I can assure you."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Business\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity. Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins. Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success. A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory. As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, the Committee On Committee's has appointed a 14-member Casual Day Task Force to prepare guidelines for proper dress. The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of \"Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards\" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter \"You Are What You Wear\" and consult the \"home casual\" versus \"business casual\" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday. Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately."
}
] |