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1-lollapalooza-witness-no-consequence.epub | Prologue:
Hello. Through God's grace, Zaphnath Paaneah (God lives and speaks) is this Lollapalooza Witness, me. (Matthew10:20) "For it is not ye that speak, but the Spirit of your Father which speaketh in you." Lollapalooza Witness is true and faithful. Come along with me, as I tell you a few Lollapalooza coincidences comprising my life. Being encouraged and guided by God's Spirit, praying His will be faithfully performed in and through this work. May His truth, righteousness, faithfulness, justice, mercy, love and grace be fully displayed to the praise, glory and blessing of our God and Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and His Holy Spirit within us. (Psalm82:6) "I have said, ye are gods; and all of you are children of the most High."
Table of Content:
1-Word Power
2-Story Remembered
3-Our Father
4-Choose Life
5-God the Holy Spirit
6-Truth Kept Safe
7-Buried Alive
8-Faith, Hope and Love
9-Release and Relief
10-Alone
11-Thoughts
12-Tears
13-Friend
14-Work
15-Enlightenment
16-Ice
17-Eater
18-Hate Evil
19-Passing of the Day
20-Dream
21-Eyes
22-Refined
23-Persecution
24-Structure
25-Cynical
26-Life
27-Wisdom
28-Two but One
29-Salvation
Epilogue
30-Stand
Acknowledgements:
Contact:
Isaiah 61
10 I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for he hath clothed me with the garments of salvation, he hath covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decketh himself with ornaments, and as a bride adorneth herself with her jewels.
11 For as the earth bringeth forth her bud, and as the garden causeth the things that are sown in it to spring forth; so the Lord God will cause righteousness and praise to spring forth before all the nations.
John 3
8 The wind bloweth where it listeth, and thou hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence it cometh, and whither it goeth: so is every one that is born of the Spirit.
Romans 5
1 Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.
1-Word Power
By: ZP
Words define some thoughts, ideas.
Words express emotions, feelings.
Words offer vivid picture views.
Words leave a few of them, bemused.
Words create human reaction.
Words manipulate decisions.
Without Words, to guide and direct
We would just be, out of context.
Lollapalooza is an extraordinary or unusual thing, person, or event; an exceptional example or instance. (Wikipedia)
The purpose of this book is to convey hope and to obey Jesus' command, (Matthew5:16) "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven." This life and book are dedicated to the Maker of them both: only by His grace are they made possible. (Luke1:37) "...For with God all things are possible."
"Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't." (Mark Twain)
(Ephesians4:13) "Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ:" Before I began to write, I had a dream where someone is showing a woman, an autobiography. After reading it she says, "The whole etymology is skewed!" Waking, I looked up etymology and found that etymology is the study of the origin of words and the etymology of a word is its linguistic history. I went on to 'look up' skewed and found it to mean 'a sudden change of direction or position, a twist or turn.' Laughingly, I realize both, my title and book are etymologically skewed.
Lollapalooza, a relatively new word, has been used since 1991 for the name of a collection of varied music being represented through different bands in one location. The meaning of lollapalooza in the Online Slang Dictionary is 'a mixture, or jumble of things, all thrown together.' According to the WordSense.eu Dictionary, lollapalooza is an informal noun meaning 'an outstanding, extreme, or outrageous example of its kind.' Wikipedia's Etymology section, says that lollapalooza is 'an extraordinary or unusual thing, person, or event; an exceptional example or instance.'
Wit is old English. The Oxford Dictionary's defines wit: 'know' or 'to have mental sharpness and inventiveness; keen intelligence.' Ness is the 'quality, state of being, or the measure of' whatever adjective precedes it. Therefore, witness is the 'quality of knowing, the state of being in the know, or the measure of knowledge.' Lollapalooza Witness is an extraordinary quality of knowing.
(Psalm90:10) "The days of our years are threescore years and ten; and if by reason of strength they be fourscore years, yet is their strength labour and sorrow; for it is soon cut off, and we fly away." An early memory still fills me with awe and exhilaration. I remember being in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and going to an outdoor, ice skating rink. My Uncle, taking me from my Dad, whirled me around so quickly I lost my breath. The words, "Don't you drop her!" from my Mom, caused me to hang on even more tightly. I was filled with wonder.
Every person on the ice that night was making lines. Kids, men and ladies of every age and size were all making fantastic lines in the ice. Lines would magically disappear and reappear somewhere else. Sometimes the lines would stop altogether, be replaced with smudges and then begin again when the person got back up. Every time someone would fly into the air, both of their lines would stop and then begin again. (Psalm90:10) "... and we fly away." Some people were making neat circles and loops with their lines. Peering over his shoulder, I could see my Uncle making lines too. I was captivated by the jet streams coming from the back of his skates: I wondered if skates were really just big jets.
(Psalm86:8) "Among the gods there is none like unto thee, O Lord; neither are there any works like unto thy works." Today, as I remember being so amazed by the special lines every person on the ice was making, I realize that all of us make lines, amazing leaps, circles, loops and smudge marks. Our lines stop only when we are suspended from earth. Some people are gifted with a safe return after a near death experience, like Eben Alexander describes in his 'Proof of Heaven'. Others of us trip up and fall, until we are lifted safely into Fatherly arms that keep us from falling anymore. (John10:29) "My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father's hand."
Most of my life, I have been struggling to trust God. To trust He has a special and unique plan for each of us. Looking at circumstances, often causes the mistaken assumption that everything is chaos, confusion and a mindless rush; however, with observation, I have come to agree with 'V', in the movie: 'V for Vendetta as he says, "There is no such thing as coincidence. There is only the illusion of coincidence."
(Romans8:28) "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." When I was still quite young, I remember being held in my Dad's arms as we ascended a really high tower (the CN Tower in Toronto). It was windy and I remember thinking, when we stepped outside, that the strong winds would rip me from his arms. I clung to him in amazed terror as we looked down at the lights. Just as I was beginning to enjoy this spectacular view, I realized we were descending. I held onto my Dad tightly. As long as I was in his arms, I knew that I would be alright. He would not let anything happen to me.
2-Story Remembered
By: ZP
A tall tower rose high in the dark sky.
A silver sword against a black velvet background;
I am rising high, in the night sky, inside the tower.
Gazing downward, city lights merged to form a picture.
Fiercely blowing, the wind whipped and lashed.
Pushing against my Parent's legs, mesmerized by the view.
Fear and terror gripped, when the descent began.
Engulfed by weightlessness, suffocatingly afraid. Time stopped.
The picture broke up like a puzzle, once again meaningless.
Now I am safe and secure in my Dad's arms.
It is time to go Home.
(Psalm18:32) "It is God that girdeth me with strength, and maketh my way perfect." When circumstances in life have gotten 'windy' during my struggles, I have learned to hang onto my heavenly Father and trust. To trust He knows what He is doing. He has never let go. He has never pushed me away, or said, 'Stop being a baby!' or 'Grow up!' He has always been near enough to hear when I called out in pain, anger, fear, terror, confusion, bitterness and hurt. He is always listening, and has consistently sent help, comfort and hope. He is Abba Father who has given us many promises. He has and will keep them. (2Corinthians1:20) "For all the promises of God in him are yea, and in him Amen, unto the glory of God by us."
(1Timoth 6:20) "...keep that which is committed to thy trust...." My parents took this exhortation 'to heart'. When I was young, my Mom read in our hometown newspaper, of a teenage girl with my name, having been killed in an accident as her car was struck by a train. For three days she prayed that God would not allow her daughter to die so young. My Mom told me about the 'holy fear' she carried for three days, while she interceded with Almighty Father to spare me from a youthful death. I gratefully thank her for asking Him to protect me. I have been in many situations where, except for God's mercy and grace, I would certainly have been killed.
(Hebrews5:8) "Though he were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered;" Another of my first memories, occurred when I was nearly five years old. My Dad had a couple of friends over for a July 4th barbecue. Back in 1986, our barbecue was a table barbecue, meant to be placed atop a picnic table. We did not own a picnic table, so the barbecue was placed on the cement under the carport. I am positive my Dad told us children, "Stay away from the barbecue." Not once, but three times he told the children, "Stay away from the barbecue. Don't even play under the carport."
There was a stray kitten under the van, on the barbecue side of the carport. My Dad had told me, specifically, "Leave the stray cats alone." before going inside. Not having a kitten of my own and wanting to pet that tiny, cute kitten was too much temptation. I advanced toward the kitten with an outstretched hand and a "Here kitty, kitty, kitty."
To my horror and dismay, the cute black kitten suddenly became a yowling, hissing, vicious beast. It hissed, clawing at my fingers. When I screamed, in pain and anger, it lunged at me. Stumbling backward, I sat down on the open, flaming barbecue that had been cooking our hamburgers and hotdogs. Now it was cooking me. Worse, I could not stand up or get off. I screamed and screamed and screamed. The guests were the first to hear my screams and everyone came running. Someone lifted me from the barbecue and my Dad started running cold water in the bathtub. Mom, going to the church, filled large containers with ice from the ice machine. Returning, she dumped all the ice into the tub where I was sitting.
The fire was bad, but the ice, atrocious. The numbing ice definitely lasted longer. My Dad held me, seated in that tub of ice water for what seemed like forever. I remember during that frigid experience, my Dad speaking gently to me. He explained the importance and necessity of complete obedience. I remember my Dad's hands were bright red when I finished that bath. This first obedience lesson, I still vividly recollect.
3-Our Father
By: ZP
He watches with Care,
Snatching from the Snare.
Guard and Protector,
Who must sometimes Lecture.
Our Father is Love,
Police from Above.
I have no scars from that particular obedience lesson. I could not sit down until the six enormous scabs on my buttocks, thighs and calves eventually healed. Although I had nightmares linked to this experience, I retained no physical scars. I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior shortly afterward, because I wanted nothing to do with the 'lake of fire' that is mentioned in Revelation. (Revelation20:15) "And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire." I was five years old.
(Isaiah48:10) "Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." One summer, after my husband and I had been blessed with a camper, we were camping nearby. Three times, I was told by God's Spirit, "Go speak to your Brother." Three times I disobeyed. I did not want to go and speak to my Brother.
(Jeremiah22:21) "I spake unto thee in thy prosperity; but thou saidst, I will not hear. This hath been thy manner from thy youth, that thou obeyedst not my voice." I was bedridden for nearly three weeks. Thirty minutes after my last refusal, as I was riding my bicycle in the campground, I hit a patch of broken pavement. When my front wheel hit the bump, the chain came off the sprocket and lodged between the frame and sprocket. As the bike jerked to a halt, I landed on the cross bar between the seat and handles. I was numb, and then in agony shortly thereafter. Over the following three weeks, I turned blue, black, purple, green, brown, orange and yellow. My son, mimicking my own words to him on occasion, asked "Mom, what is God teaching you?" I did not know, then.
Three weeks later, I was again prompted to speak to my Brother. This time I went and spoke to my Brother. He told me "I prayed for you to come and talk to me three weeks ago." I recalled the exact day, the Spirit's promptings, my disobedience and my excruciating pain. Knowing I could have spared myself unnecessary pain, by obedience, has induced me to be quicker to listen and obey. (Hebrews12:5-6) "And ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh unto you as unto children, My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him: For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth."
4-Choose Life
By: ZP
Constantly falling from the mouth,
You must carefully choose their route.
Decide on which side they will be:
Perhaps they mark out eternity.
Words are arrows, spears and knives,
Or soothing bandages, healing lives.
One time a Friend said, "Even though you spoke truthfully, you are not allowed to correct me, because the Scripture forbids it." (1Timothy2:12) "But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence." The rebuttal springing from my mouth was also from God. "The Bible also says, 'There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.' (Galatians3:28) It is written, 'Every man is taught in his own way' (Psalm25:12) and 'Ye are all taught by God.' (Jeremiah31:34, John6:45, Isaiah54:13) When your eyes are opened to this, you will remember and know that God speaks when and through whomever He will."
As he was departing in his vehicle, God spoke to me saying, "If I can speak through an ass, I can surely speak through a woman." (Referring to the story of Balaam in Numbers22) 2Peter2:16 "But was rebuked for his iniquity: the dumb ass speaking with man's voice forbad the madness of the prophet." I must confess I laughed aloud, as I saw the funny/joyeous side of this Word. (Nehemiah8:10) Much later, I realized my Friend was the 'ass' God was using to remind me to respect my Husband.
(Isaiah43:2) "When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee." My Husband and I obtained a 14 foot powerboat in the spring of 2002. One day, toward summer's end, we brought a Friend and went out for some fun. Connecting tubes to either side of the boat, we pulled them simultaneously. We had decided to leave our oldest Son with his Aunt. Not caring to be thrown from the tube, I drove the boat while my Husband and our Friend rode the tubes. My Husband said, 'Give us one last ride before we head in.'
Wanting to give them one last awesome ride, I cut hard to the left and both tubes came alongside the right side of the boat. This was our first boat and I was not an experienced boater. I cut back toward the right, while the lines on the right of the boat were still slack. When the lines tightened, perpendicular to the boat, they caused a flip over. (Jonah2:5) "The waters compassed me about, even to the soul: the depth closed me round about...."
Knowing the boat was going over, thinking I would be thrown from the boat, I shut my eyes. Waiting to surface, I thought, 'I should be coming to the surface any time now. I have my life jacket on. I should be surfacing any second now... any minute now. Come on! I have to open my eyes.'
Upon opening my eyes, I discovered myself trapped, underneath our overturned boat. The words, 'Dive down so you can come up!' ran through my mind. With all my might, using the overturned boat seat as leverage, I dove down and came sputtering and gasping to the surface. I was still gasping for air when our Friend reached me. He said, "Thank God! I saw the boat flipping. When I came up and wiped my eyes, I couldn't see you. I swam as fast as I could. Thank God you are OK. I thought you hit your head. Thank God... I thought you were dead. I couldn't swim fast enough. You were under there so long... you had to have been under there for at least three minutes!" My Husband joined us from the other side of the overturned boat, shortly afterward.
5-God the Holy Spirit
By: ZP
He is ever near
So I never fear.
His Law to me is dear.
His path is always clear.
Thank you, Father, for your Love.
Grace and Peace is from Above.
(Deuteronomy10:21) "He is thy praise, and he is thy God, that hath done for thee these great and terrible things, which thine eyes have seen." Another boating family drew us from the water. Notifying the Coast Guard, we waited for them to come and record our statements. Our boat sank within 15 minutes of overturning. Trembling with cold and shock, we returned to our truck and now empty boat trailer. Picking up our Son, who had stayed with his Aunt, we thanked God he had not been with us. Hours later, I was still shaking but grateful for mine and my son's life. Praise God.
(Jeremiah1:7-10) "But the Lord said unto me, Say not, I am a child: for thou shalt go to all that I shall send thee, and whatsoever I command thee thou shalt speak. Be not afraid of their faces: for I am with thee to deliver thee, saith the Lord. Then the Lord put forth his hand, and touched my mouth. And the Lord said unto me, Behold, I have put my words in thy mouth. See, I have this day set thee over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out, and to pull down, and to destroy, and to throw down, to build, and to plant."
Being directed by the Spirit, with an additional affirmation while enrolling my children in Catholic school, I aligned myself with the Catholic faith. I attended mass for one year. During this time, Abba instructed me through the Priest, there. (Isaiah30:20-21) "And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity, and the water of affliction, yet shall not thy teachers be removed into a corner any more, but thine eyes shall see thy teachers: And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand, and when ye turn to the left."
I recall my heavenly Father's memorable instruction, on one occasion in particular. Explaining to my Priest, that in accordance with the command of Jesus in (Matthew23:9) "And call no man your father upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven." I could not call him 'father' because Jesus' instruction is clear. The Priest replied, "Well, it is a custom that has been handed down, in the Catholic faith."
In his letter to the Romans, Paul exhorts the believers to 'give custom where custom is due.' (Romans13:7) "Render therefore to all their due: tribute to whom tribute is due; custom to whom custom; fear to whom fear; honor to whom honor." By obeying one I would be disobeying the other, I was in a quandary. Praying, I asked my Father. Citing both verses from Matthew and Romans, I asked Him to 'fulfill the whole law.' Two words were immediately given to me, 'dispensation' and 'Colossians'. Beginning to read Colossians, I found the word dispensation in (Colossians1:25) "Whereof I am made a minister, according to the dispensation of God which is given to me for you, to fulfill the word of God."
One of the definitions for dispensation is "official permission to disregard a rule." The Catholic encyclopedia defines dispensation as "an act whereby in a particular case a lawful superior grants relaxation from an existing law."
The following week after mass, I conveyed to the Priest these words: "Abba Father has given me a 'dispensation' for specific use with you. He gave me two words, 'dispensation' and 'Colossians'. From (Colossians1:25), I have obtained permission, by a dispensation of Father God, to also call you father. I am now allowed, by permission of my Abba Father, to call you father. Have a wonderful day and God bless you, father."
On Saturday, August 13, 2011, as I was standing, during Mass, I heard His Voice, "Why do you desire again these weak and beggarly elements?" Looking around at the stained glass windows and the Catholic father, I wondered, 'Father, what are You saying to me?' After mass concluded, I looked up the words 'weak and beggarly', on BibleGateway.com. (Galatians4:9) "But now, after that ye have known God, or rather are known of God, how turn ye again to the weak and beggarly elements, whereunto ye desire again to be in bondage?" Paul is declaring to believers, that in thinking we must do certain works to be accepted, we are 'beggaring' ourselves. (John6:29) "Jesus answered and said unto them, This is the work of God, that ye believe on him whom he hath sent."
6-Truth Kept Safe
By: ZP
People looking through the Fog:
Don't fall in the murky Bog.
Questions here and Questions there,
Answers floating in the air.
Lies surface, Deceit is seen:
That deadly Foe, Catch the Fiend.
Slipping, Sliding, to and Fro,
Being Jerked into the Flow!
Madly Searching in the Dark,
Try to hold that harmful Lark!
Truth is caught, in the Fray,
With the Dawning of the Day.
I was raised in the Pentecostal denomination. After I got married, I joined a Christian Reformed Church. To establish my children in the Catholic education system, I aligned myself with the Catholic faith, for one year. Now, I am released by God, liberated from denomination and religious status. Free to be taught by the Spirit and anointing of God, residing inside me. (1John2:27) "But the anointing which ye have received of him abideth in you, and ye need not that any man teach you: but as the same anointing teacheth you of all things, and is truth, and is no lie, and even as it hath taught you, ye shall abide in him."
(John1:12) "But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name:"
(Romans8:14) "For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God." I began to study the words and works of God. Reading them many times over, since I was five, I now began to associate them. The promises, in the Bible, are God's promises to us. (2Peter1:4) "Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust."
(Psalm34:1) "I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth." Knowing and believing the Word of God is amazing. (John16:13) "Howbeit when he, the Spirit of truth, is come, he will guide you into all truth: for he shall not speak of himself; but whatsoever he shall hear, that shall he speak: and he will show you things to come." Driving with my Sister to our orthodontist appointment, I saw an advertisement for trips to Alaska. My Grandmother had told me, "If you ever get the chance, go and see Alaska. It is beautiful." Becoming excited, I said to my Sister, "I might be going to Alaska!!! YAY!!! I am going to Alaska! I am going to Alaska!"
That night I read (John16: 23-24) "And in that day ye shall ask me nothing. Verily, verily, I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, he will give it you. 24 Hitherto have ye asked nothing in my name: ask, and ye shall receive, that your joy may be full." Based on this scripture, I prayed and wrote down the prayer in my journal, to testify about later. "Father, yesterday I saw the Alaskan Cruise advertisement from Carlson Wagonlit Travel. I would really enjoy going on this cruise with my Husband and his Parents. Please provide the funds, babysitter, time off and joy. In Jesus' name I ask this. Thank You Father, for Your blessings in our lives."
Abba provided more than I could ask or even think. Not only did my In-law's accompany us, but through our travel Agent, God provided two balcony staterooms, side by side directly above the penthouse suites on the Holland America cruise ship, MS Zuiderdam (cheaper than ocean view rooms). My Husband's tax return paid for our vacation. My Husband was able to obtain the time off work, and a Friend agreed to watch our children while we were gone. Within two months time, we flew to Vancouver, British Columbia and boarded the Zuiderdam.
One day our ship landed in Ketchikan, Alaska. Here is my journal entry. Today, my Husband and I landed where my Cousin lives, in Ketchikan, Alaska. Knowing only his home address, my Husband and I began walking along the pier where the Zuiderdam docked. A short way down, Hubby suggested we ask the float plane pilots if they know my Cousin. I began by asking a man selling float-plane tours where a helicopter and/or helicopter pilots were. Being flatly told, "There are no helicopters in Ketchikan. There are no helicopter pilots in Ketchikan." I then said, "Well we are actually looking for a pilot, my Cousin." When I told him my Cousin's name, the float plane pilot said, "Oh yeah, I know him, he is not a helicopter pilot, he is a float plane pilot. His plane just took off." I said, "Ok. Can you tell us where he docks or where we can find his booth?" He replied, "His booth is a couple miles up the pier, but he just took off and won't be back for at least two hours." Rattling off my Cousin's business phone number from memory, he told us to contact my Cousin's manager.
A couple hours later, my Cousin landed and we introduced ourselves. It had been 14 years since I had seen him. He gave my Husband and I, a quick 'up and down' in his seaplane and drove us around Ketchikan, showing us some totem poles (one resembled Abraham Lincoln). Then he spoke with someone on his cell phone. After completing the call, he asked if we would like to see his Parents.
I had been trying to contact my Uncle, to obtain a phone number for my Cousin. My Uncle and Aunt were visiting him when we docked in Ketchikan. My Husband and I had a chance to visit with them, too. We met my Cousin's Wife and Daughters for the first time. He then drove us back to our ship and we said goodbye. Awesome, amazing and incredible are just a few words describing how blessed the entire vacation was. (Psalm32:11) "Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, ye righteous: and shout for joy, all ye that are upright in heart."
In Alaska, there are icebergs that glow a blue light. The glacial ice is so dense that the red and yellow light spectrums are completely absorbed leaving only the blue wavelength present, causing the icebergs to glow a fantastic blue colour. (Ephesians5:8) "For ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the Lord: walk as children of light:"
7-Buried Alive
By: ZP
Spider in skeletal web
Images caught like the fly.
Bugs helpless in their deathbed
Some ideas just get by.
Since I was five years old, God has placed inside me, a call to show people how much they are loved by their heavenly Father. Sadly, I cannot say that I truly knew the extent of His grace, myself. I strove to be God's child; a gift of grace with faith that was already mine. As perfect as I tried to be, I repeatedly found myself insufficient and imperfect. Although I believed the truth, that Jesus had come and suffered for my sins, shortcomings and mistakes, I still attempted to 'not sin' with my own strength. (2Corinthians11:3) "But I fear, lest by any means, as the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtilty, so your minds should be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ."
(Luke1:37) "For with God nothing shall be impossible." My life was stifled in fear. I feared not being allowed access to heaven because I might not have repented for an unknown sin and died outside His grace. A funny story about striving for perfection happened while I was still living with my Parents, in Louisiana. My family was already seated at the dinner table and my Dad asked me to go and get the ketchup from the fridge. I am not sure what the discussion was, but I do remember my response as I returned to the table; "...But I never make a mess!" At exactly that moment the full ketchup bottle, slipping from my hands, hit the floor. Ketchup flew everywhere: it was all over the floor, the cabinets, the counters, the ceiling and me. I think I cried as everyone else laughed hilariously. To this day, whenever the topic of 'perfect' comes up with my family, I relive 'the ketchup.'
You would think the word, never, would have disappeared from my vocabulary; however, I remember a similar story, with my Husband. While dating, he would buy coffee and we would drive around talking... we still do. The first time I spilled coffee all over myself, I angrily said, "You are a bad driver and your erratic driving habits are what made me spill my coffee, because I never spill coffee!"
It has become a running joke. Since then, I have inevitably spilled coffee many, many times. Once, I remember spilling coffee was a memoribly funny event. There was a huge pothole and I dumped an entire cup of coffee on my leg, down the door and all over the floor of our van. I was not burned and actually erupted into gales of laughter. (James4:6) "But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble."
I had been observing myself with my own eyes, not with my Father's eyes. When He looks at me, He does not see my sin. He sees His daughter. My iniquities have been thrown into the depths of the sea. (Micah7:19) "He will turn again, he will have compassion upon us; he will subdue our iniquities; and thou wilt cast all their sins into the depths of the sea."
Deuteronomy18:13 says, "Thou shalt be perfect with the Lord thy God." God told His people to be perfect with the Lord thy God. If I am trying by my own strength, for perfection, I will not succeed; however, "...but with God all things are possible." (Matthew19:26) "But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible." Jesus says in (Matthew5:38) "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." The apostle John says in (1John3:9) "Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God."
8-Faith, Hope and Love
By: ZP
Faith: Without doubt, Belief,
Seeing, What is Unseen,
Unselfishly Trusting.
Hope: A Bright Flame and Light,
Dream Found, Within the Night,
A Beacon, Giving Sight.
Love: God Revealed to Man,
Water, in a Dry Land,
His Warm, Embracing Hand.
Faith: the Substance Hoped For,
Hope: the Embodiment Wished For,
Love: the Faith and Hope Exist For.
I was completely freed by a dear Friend's heartfelt question, "He was a kind man, but I'm not sure he was 'saved' before he died. Will I see him again? Will he be in heaven?" Asking God, we were answered in (1John3:7), "Little children, let no man deceive you: he that doeth righteousness is righteous, even as He is righteous." In these verses I found the truth. Truth concerning the spiritual perfection we have through Jesus Christ. (Acts10:28) "And he said unto them, Ye know how that it is an unlawful thing for a man that is a Jew to keep company, or come unto one of another nation; but God hath shewed me that I should not call any man common or unclean." (John3:9-10) "Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for His seed remaineth in him; and he cannot sin, because he is born of God. In this the children of God are manifest, and the children of the devil: whosoever doeth not righteousness is not of God, neither he that loveth not his brother." (1John5:18) "We know that whosoever is born of God sinneth not; but he that is begotten of God keepeth himself, and that wicked one toucheth him not." (1John3:6) "Whosoever abideth in him sinneth not: whosoever sinneth hath not seen him, neither known him."
Now you may say, 'but wait, does not (Romans3:23) say, "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God."?' Once I remember saying to my children, "The two words, But GOD, are powerful words. Whatever precedes these two words, are nullified by the words, But God." (Ephesians2:3-5) says, "Among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others. But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us, Even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, (by grace ye are saved;)"
'But God' has now made "For all have sinned" past tense. Stop listening to the 'accuser of the brethren' (Revelation12:10) when he accuses you and others. He is a liar. (John8:44) "...when he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it." Jesus says clearly in (Luk 6:37) "Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:" we are not permitted to judge anyone, including ourselves. (1Corinthians4:3) "But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged of you, or of man's judgment: yea, I judge not mine own self."
(John8:32) "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."
With the belief that Jesus Christ was sent as full propitiation (appeasement) for our sin, our sin is in the past, forever. We are accepted into His Family. We are holy (Psalm86:2). We are Brothers, Sisters and Mothers of Christ Jesus, (Mark3:35 "For whosoever shall do the will of God, the same is my brother, and my sister, and mother.")
(John8:34) "Jesus answered them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Whosoever committeth sin is the servant of sin." (Romans6:18) "Being then made free from sin, ye became the servants of righteousness." If we believe Jesus' redemptive sacrifice and love, we should love as He does. We should actively show everyone the love, incredible mercy and grace of our Father God and our Brother, Jesus Christ. (Matthew9:13) "But go ye and learn what that meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice: for I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."
(1Thessalonians4:7-9) "For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness. 8 He therefore that despiseth, despiseth not man, but God, who hath also given unto us his holy Spirit. 9 But as touching brotherly love ye need not that I write unto you: for ye yourselves are taught of God to love one another."
Praise God, we are undeniably free. (John10:10) "The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." The enemy, the 'accuser of the brethren', is no longer able to strangle us in fear. (1John4:4) "Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world." (1John5:4) "For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith."
9-Release and Relief
By: ZP
Run up again against the wall,
Hit it hard, and then fall.
Get up, once more and walk along.
There's a breach! No! I'm wrong.
Grab a hold and attempt to climb.
Slipped, now covered in slime.
A Ladder may reach to the top!
Look, Just missing the spot.
Frustrated, Puzzled and Enraged;
Like being locked in a cage.
Release, Relief come as I cry:
Cannot try one more time.
All I can do is offer my Best.
Ask.
Accept.
Rely on God for the Rest.
Not only did Christ die for sin that has been committed and repented of. His death covers all sin. Sin was once and for all obliterated, by His death. (Psalm103:12) "As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us." (1John4:18) "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear; because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." (Psalm86:2) "Preserve my soul; for I am holy: O thou my God, save thy servant that trusteth in thee."
Jesus, knows the sin we are born with and only have confirmed when we commit wrong, he says clearly in the record of John, (John16:7-9) "Nevertheless I tell you the truth; It is expedient for you that I go away: for if I go not away, the Comforter will not come unto you; but if I depart, I will send him unto you.8 And when he is come, he will reprove the world of sin, and of righteousness, and of judgment:9 Of sin, because they believe not on me;"
Jesus is God's Word. Jesus is God's Promise. If we do not believe His Word, then we do not believe His Promise and we are limiting God. (John8:24) "I said therefore unto you, that ye shall die in your sins: for if ye believe not that I am he, ye shall die in your sins." But God, speaking through Isaiah says, (Isaiah1:18) "Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool."
(Malachi3:3) "And he shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver: and he shall purify the sons of Levi, and purge tham as gold and silver, that they may offer unto the Lord an offering in righteousness." The Refiner knows the gold or silver is 'pure', when He can see His own reflection in them.
Corinthians10:17-18) "But he that glorieth, let him glory in the Lord. For not he that commendeth himself is approved, but whom the Lord commendeth." Job is more than a man, book and story of the Bible. This record is about what God allowed to occur, to one who truly loved God and was truly loved by God. I was asked by my Brother-in-law, a question that made me upset and caused me to seek and ask God about His purpose for Job's affliction. "Why did God 'sic' the devil on Job?"
(Job1:8-12) "And the Lord said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? Then Satan answered the Lord, and said, Doth Job fear God for nought? Hast not thou made an hedge about him, and about his house, and about all that he hath on every side? Thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the land. But put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face. And the Lord said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. So Satan went forth from the presence of the Lord."
I became quite angry during this discussion. I said, "Look at me! I am Job! Look at everything that has happened to me... diabetes, 1st car accident, 2nd car accident, boat accident, losing my stillborn Son. You want to talk about Job, I AM JOB! But you cannot make me believe that my God is not a loving God who cares about what happens to me. I do not know why 'God sicced the Devil on Job' but when I find out, I will call you and let you know."
(John15:15) "Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you." Almost a year later, my Brother-in-law's Wife left him. Reading the book of Job, God showed me in (Job3:25) "For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me." I called my Brother-in-law and said, "God allowed Job to experience all the things he feared, so he would not be afraid of them, anymore."
(1John4:8) "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." God was perfecting Job's love, by freeing him from all crippling, stifling, strangling fear. Fear has many of God's children in dungeons of their mind. A perceptive sign I recall from Alaska, reads, "Fear is the biggest waste of imagination."
(Jeremiah31:33-34) "But this shall be the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel; After those days, saith the Lord, I will put my law in their inward parts, and write it in their hearts; and will be their God, and they shall be my people. 34 And they shall teach no more every man his neighbor, and every man his brother, saying, Know the Lord: for they shall all know me, from the least of them unto the greatest of them, saith the Lord: for I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more."
A classmate in high school confided the trials of being a Type 1 diabetic: testing blood sugar levels by finger prick multiple times a day; injecting insulin several times each day: having blood drawn for a Hemoglobin A1C test every three months. I said, "That is horrible, how do you stand it? I don't know if I could do that every day. How can you live like that?" Not long afterward I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, requiring insulin injections daily along with regular blood tests to ascertain my average sugar levels.
Have I mentioned, I was terrified of needles? Discovering, after a year of being diabetic, that if I was careful to eat mostly vegetables and did cardio exercise regularly, I could reduce and even eliminate my necessary insulin injections. I managed to get off insulin completely, through diet and exercise, exercise, exercise. I would run 5 miles each morning: walk another mile at lunchtime: go to the gym after dinner (exercising on the bike, elliptical or rowing machine for another two hours): if my blood sugar was still high, I would run, again, before bed. So I lived to exercise and exercised to live.
(Psalm5:12) "For thou, Lord, wilt bless the righteous: with favour wilt thou compass him as with a shield." While in school, I went to a presentation given by MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving). With this presentation, I began fearing being in a car accident and 'never knowing what hit me.' The weekend before school was scheduled to begin again, I was asked to accompany two of my Friends to London, Ontario and I went.
Smiling, I remember my confusion, after first moving to Canada. One of my new Friends said, "I just got back from London tonight." In surprise, I said "Really? What were you doing in London?" She replied, "Oh nothing really, just shopping." I then asked in amazement, "Where does your dad work? Did you fly there for the weekend?" She started laughing and said, "Not London, England. London, Ontario. I don't have money to go to London, England to shop! Are you crazy?"
Returning from London, Ontario, I was the front seat belted passenger, in a broadside collision, on the passenger side. Not knowing what hit me, I woke after two weeks and three days in a coma. Thank you to the many friends and family who prayed for our recovery (I was not the only one hurt). Waking in a darkened hospital room with machines buzzing and whirring around me, without my Dad, scared me. My Dad was notified that I was awake and came in the room. He asked, "Do you know where you are?" I replied 'hospital'. My Dad told me, "You were in a car accident. You are in a hospital here in London."
Immediately my mind became chaotic. 'What had happened that would necessitate my transport from Louisiana to London, England? There are equally good hospitals in North America, Why am I in London?' My heartbeat elevated and a confused nurse asked my Dad what was upsetting me. Realizing the majority of my life had been spent in Louisiana, my Dad said, "You are not in London, England, we live in Canada now. Remember we moved to Canada? You are in London, Ontario, Canada." I remember thinking, 'What am I doing all the way up here in Canada? What happened? Well at least I am not overseas.'
During my recovery, a family Friend was visiting and my Dad asked, "Who is this?" I responded with her full and correct name. "Where do you know her from?" I responded, "Church." My Dad asked me, "Who is Pastor of our church?" I responded with the name of our Pastor in Louisiana. Our family had been residing in Canada for three and a half years. I guess this indicated there was a bit of amnesia with my head injury (lift diffuse axonal hematoma).
I have heard an apt witticism, "Who is a Canadian? A Canadian is an unarmed American with great Health Care." I am recalling this as a humorous way of conveying a truth about healthcare provision, not the state of armament in Canada versus the United States. "Had this accident occurred in Louisiana, you would be dead and our family would be bankrupt." said my Dad. God orchestrated my Family's provision, by equipping my Dad with a specific skill, necessary for a job in Canada.
Not only did I have a severe brain injury, there was also spleen and gallbladder damage that filled my stomach cavity with 3 litres of blood. My liver had been severed, nearly in half. The most interesting aspect of my injuries, were the two broken bones: ribs on either side of my chest, which broke, puncturing both lungs. My lungs were filled 75% with fluid, before drainage tubes were inserted; however, the remaining 25% was adequate for sustaining life, while I healed. The cardio exercises, that were controlling my diabetic blood sugars, strengthened and enabled my lungs to withstand an otherwise fatal injury. (Romans 8:28) "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." My original Glasgow Coma Scale rating was 4 out of 15, which meant my survival chances were slim.
(Exodus23:20) "Behold, I send an Angel before thee, to keep thee in the way, and to bring thee into the place which I have prepared." A Doctor, speaking to my Dad after a lengthy surgery involving multiple surgeons said, "It is like she was exercising for this precise accident. If she had been in any less superb physical condition, she would have died at the scene. I have never worked on anyone as physically superior, as your daughter. If her lungs were any less superb, she would have died at the scene. It is like she was exercising for this exact injury."
(Romans8:18) "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." In October of 1999, I returned for the last year of high school. Permitted to join one class in my first semester, I selected a Grade 13, English course. Having amnesia, made it difficult to remember people's names and specific words during conversation and writing. I had received a tracheotomy after a week of coma, because my lips were cracked and bleeding around the oxygen tube. It was both painful and embarrassing to speak, my voice was strangely hoarse and raspy, not recognizable as my own.
10-Alone
By: ZP
A Field of Wheat, A Lone Grain.
A Lone Ear, in a Corn Plain.
Trillions of Stars, A Lone Moon,
Many Houses, A Lone Room.
A Lone Petal, in Bouquet.
A Lone person in Life's Fray.
Running for exercise and to help control my blood sugars, I once met my English Teacher and could not remember his name or communicate. He brought me home, because I remembered where I lived, but had forgotten what I was doing, I was confused and disoriented. Attempting to get back everything I lost, was too much strain, and after starting two more courses, while completing my original English course, I began having psychosis symptoms. Juggling my insurance case manager, occupational therapist, vocal therapist, diabetes, neuropsychological assessments, my second boyfriend following the accident (who is now my Husband), school, Teachers and concerned Friends became overwhelming. I desperately wanted to regain the freedom of being off insulin.
Following the completion of the English course, in my second semester, I began experiencing psychosis. Repeating myself over and over, I became convinced that Satan was trying to kill me. People thought I was contemplating suicide because I said things like, "I wish I had died, rather than living with all this pain." In the spring of 2000, I was involuntarily admitted to the Psychiatric floor of the same hospital where I had been before, in London, Ontario. I was bitter and angry. They thought I was crazy. I told one Psychiatric Doctor, "When I get out, I am going to close this place down. I am going to become a lawyer and I am going to sue this hospital for billions. I am going to close this place down." No one explained, and if they did I do not recall, psychosis is normal and expected when someone has had a significant trauma (especially to the brain). I thought everyone believed I was insane. It was not until reading Eben Alexander's book, 'Proof of Heaven', that I realized psychosis is actually an expected recovery phenomena with traumatic injuries.
11-Thoughts
By: ZP
Some are innocent, light, beautiful,
Spirited, sprightly, free and playful:
Bursting with mischief, loving the joke,
Twirling Happy, Bright and Colourful.
Others are boring, blighted and choked,
Heedless of warning and restraining yoke:
Stupidly plodding, senseless and blank,
Dumb as a lamb, yet strong as an oak.
Few are inspired, worthy of rank
Among amazing, wild, crazy cranks.
Genius disguised behind brilliant eyes,
Tiny thoughts, in small think-tanks.
Moving like lightning, as they whiz by,
Impossible to catch, when they fly.
(Psalm31:20) "Thou shalt hide them in the secret of thy presence from the pride of man: thou shalt keep them secretly in a pavilion from the strife of tongues." Enduring taunts from patients and some staff was a whole new and painful experience. Never before, had I been forced to receive taunts and ridicule. No one had ever dared to verbally assault me, prior to my accident. At school, I had verbally decimated anyone who I saw taunting someone else. Here was where I began to experience 'blocking out' voices. Like a huge, soundproof glass was placed between me and the abuser, I could no longer hear their words.
At one point, while suffering a hypoglycemic reaction (sugar low) in the Psychiatric Ward, my calls for sugar were ignored. I actually started trying to eat my left arm because I was afraid I would go into another coma. Ten minutes after I began yelling, "I am having a sugar low" three male nurses came in my room, to strap me down to the bed. While they were manhandling me, one noted, "She is burning up!" I replied, "Because I am in the middle of a sugar low, you Morons!" They checked my sugars which were already rebounding with the surge of adrenalin that my body releases when deprived of sugar for too long. They then decided to take my clothes, before strapping me down in the bed. I was left there for three hours to 'cool down'. I remember being stared at by other patients, through the windows of my cell. I remember thinking, 'My body is so ugly. Look at all these scars. How could You let all this happen to me? Do You really love me? Why have You let all of this happen to me?'
When a female nurse, becoming aware of what was happeneing, she came and covered me with a blanket and closed the blinds. If it had been possible, I would have taken my life while in that place of torment. Kept for the first three weeks, in a solitary cell, I remember not being allowed to use the bathroom. I called and yelled for 45 minutes, to be released to use the bathroom. Being patently ignored and realizing they had no intention of releasing me, I squatted, peed and defecated on the floor, directly inside my door. Wiping myself with my pants, I threw them on top of the mess and put the spare set of hospital pants on. I then sat back on the bed to watch them clean it up. Hoarsely and mockingly, I apologized for their inconvenience and calmly confided, "If I am forced to call more than once, in the future, you will have to clean again. I will not scream myself hoarse... again." I was only forced to pee on the floor one other time, while I was there.
(1Peter3:12) "For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil." I prayed that I would be released from that Psychiatric prison. Directly before my release from the Psychiatric floor, I was placed in a larger, private room. Another patient (a sick, sexual predator who roomed across the hall) asked about my medications. When he discovered I was taking a specific drug, making me obey simple and direct orders, he pulled me into his bathroom and raped me on the floor. (I was afraid to call for help, previously being warned, "If you make any disturbance, we will lock you back in your cell.") After obeying numerous orders to ready him, the ceiling, walls and his face turned red and I blacked out.
The next thing I remember was being jerked into a standing position. As he pulled my hospital pants up he said, "Now, you are not a virgin anymore. Go to your bathroom and clean yourself up." I went to my own bathroom and cleaned myself. I mentioned, "I think I was just sexually molested," to the woman who brought my lunch. She reported it to a Doctor and returned and took a DNA swab. I remained in my room, until my Dad came to get me that evening.
12-Tears
By: ZP
In a tunnel, there is no light.
Cannot rest, get up and write.
Each drop muddies and smears the page.
Put pen down, furiously in a rage.
Just give it up, you cannot think:
You lost your thought, in blotted ink.
(Galatians6:2) "Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ." Telling my Dad what I remembered, as we were driving home, he asked if my cycle had begun. Not connecting the two events, I replied, "I had a bit of spotting but I am not due for another week." I was convinced the man had not raped me because I did not remember any pain. After spending the weekend with my Family, I remember crying as I begged my Dad, "Please don't make me go back! Please!" I was returned to the hospital, for my last night in the Psychiatric Ward. I remember my Dad yelling at the Doctor, before he left. Through the closed door, I heard, "You were supposed to be protecting her! What if she is pregnant?" I thought, 'How can I be pregnant if he did not get anything?' I was too terrified to leave my room that night. The next evening, my Dad came to pick me up as promised, and I left the Psychiatric floor, permanently.
I did not remember all of these horrors, until a day in 2009(ten years later), while speaking with two Jehovah's Witnesses. While telling my testimony, I rehearsed being locked up, deprived of restroom facility access, stripped naked and tied to a bed and being raped by another patient, while in a hospital for psychosis. I repeated the entire memory in succinct detail, quoting (1Corinthians10:13) "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."
(Psalm107:20-21) "He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions. 21 Oh that men would praise the Lord for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men!"
When the two, female Jehovah's Witnesses left, I was numb and dazed. Psychogenic amnesia, I had completely forgotten. God had mercifully kept me in ignorance until I was sufficiently mature to handle this knowledge. I was not permitted to destroy an entire hospital (the same one involved in saving my life). Not remembering either the perpetrator's face or name, I know my Abba Father's vengeance is worse than any revenge I could possibly concoct. This offense was released into my Abba's hands. (Romans12:19) "Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord."
13-Friend
By: ZP
Look around, what do you see?
Aimless wanderers, you and me.
Something separates me from you,
It may be only a fine line, true,
But it still exists, keeping everyone apart.
Maybe it is the look, a dart.
Perhaps there is shyness present,
Us, embarrassed to admit we are peasants.
Without Friends to help in trouble,
The pain endured, is magnified double.
(Romans8:15) "For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father." Directly after being released from the Psychiatric Ward, my Family went on a month long vacation. During this time, my Family weaned me off the psychiatric drugs (I called them zombie drugs, because they turned me into 'a walking zombie'.) I could barely speak when I was first released. Being asked a specific question, I could answer with yes or no, but if more of a response was required, I could not answer.
When my family was returning from Newfoundland, we stopped at an Inn in Moncton, New Brunswick, overnight. The alarm clock woke me in the morning, and I got up to go for my morning run. One sister had hidden my shoes, believing I would not leave without them. Another sister was sleeping on a mattress in front of the door. Leaving my shoes and squeezing from the room, I went for a run along the highway.
I was watching my running time, so I could turn back after running for half an hour. Running 19 minutes from the inn, beside the highway, I began to be disoriented. Watching the oncoming vehicle lights, I began searching for significance in their patterns. A short cab, blue truck pulled onto the gravel beside me. As he drew up I was rehearsing responses, 'No, I don't need a ride. I am just exercising. Thanks but no thanks.'
(Psalm9:10) "And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee." The driver was a man with brown hair, a tanned face and dark blue eyes, approximately thirty years old. The warning, 'Never take rides from strangers' was going through my mind, as he leaned over to the passenger door, pushed it open and said, "Get in!" Looking in his eyes, I asked God, "Yes or No? Show me." God showed me Truth, Honesty and Genuine Concern in his eyes. I climbed in the truck and shook his hand. As I was buckling he asked, "What is your name?" I responded truthfully with my full name.
Quid pro quo (Latin meaning something for something) states politeness expects to receive as much as is given. I gave him my full name but he did not offer his. After waiting about six minutes while he listened to Country music, I timidly asked, "So... What is your name?" His response angered me. "I am Gabriel." The response ran through my mind, 'Yeah? And I am Lucifer! It is nice to meet you!' Never having met a man named Gabriel before, I thought he was mocking me, saying I needed some Angelic help. Remembering the exhortation to believers, (Hebrews 13:2) "Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares." My quick mental retort was internalized with God's help.
(Psalm91:11) "For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways." We arrived at a hospital, I did not know where we were. He parked and said, "Stay here! I will be right back." Three times while he was gone, I nearly bolted from the truck. The last time, I could not open either my door or the driver's door from the inside. Gabriel returned with a hospital porter and a wheelchair. Gabriel came inside with me and we talked to a Doctor and a Social Worker. I gave them my name and Gabriel, watching and inturrupting occasionally, ensured I answered their questions truthfully.
Gabriel left for a short time, following the doctor, and when he returned, he said, "Your Dad will be here to pick you up in 15 minutes. Now, are you OK?" I replied, "Yes, I am OK." He then said, "All right, I have to go. Goodbye." As he left the doorway, I waited two seconds and the words, 'Thank him!' ran through my mind. Running to the open door to call, "Thank You!" after him, I saw there were only a few people in the hallway, and none of them was Gabriel. He was gone. I ran down the long hallway, wondering if he began running as he left the doorway and had somehow rounded the far corner before I reached the doorway. I could not find him.
My Dad arrived exactly 15 minutes later. (Psalm91:12) "They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone." Pulling off my socks, my Dad checked my feet for cuts or bruises. Besides one grass stain on my right sock, there were no other marks on my feet or socks. I ran beside a highway, over 3 kilometers in my socks, without getting one cut bruise or gash on my feet. Seven years later, I was telling my Dad what I remembered about 'going for a run' in Moncton, New Brunswick. (John8:31-32) "Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; 32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." He was incredulous, adding this pertinent information. He said, "We were weaning you off the drugs. The last drug that you were still taking in Moncton, New Brunswick, was a drug that made you respond positively to simple, direct orders. No one except God knew exactly what you needed to hear that morning. There is no other way he could have known what to say, to make you get in the truck."
(Psalm11:5) "The Lord trieth the righteous: but the wicked and him that loveth violence his soul hateth." Not realizing, yet, that the exhortation, 'Fear not' is a command from Abba: I continued in the self destructive pattern of fear. I had been in a car accident and almost died, never knowing what hit me. Now I no longer feared not knowing what hit me. I used to think being locked up and raped were the most horrible things that could happen. I was locked up and raped. Although I would not be pleased if it recurred, I no longer fear them. Now my fear was of a slightly different accident, knowing what was going to hit me and dying.
This is how my second car accident happened in 2001. My Husband and I had bought my first car, a 2 door Chevrolet Cavalier about a month before it happened. I was on my way to work from where we were living. That whole morning was surreal.
(John4:24) "God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth."
As I was getting ready to leave, I noticed that it was a crisp, cool morning and I probably would not need my winter coat. Going straight from the car to work, from work back to my car and home; I would not be outside long enough to even get cold. As I was leaving the house I heard The Voice, "Get your coat." I was already outside. The door was locked behind me and it was not really cold. Rationalizing my disobedience, I got in the Cavalier and started backing down the driveway. The Voice said, "Do you want to die? Go and get your coat!" I drove back up the driveway and retrieved my heavy, suede winter coat. Putting it on, I wondered how a leather coat could possibly save my life as I began my 20 minute drive to work.
(Deuteronomy28:9) "The Lord shall establish thee an holy people unto himself, as he hath sworn unto thee, if thou shalt keep the commandments of the Lord thy God, and walk in his ways." Almost halfway to work, my right wheels were caught in the 'slush' on the side of the road. My Husband had taught me about the dangers of slush. Slush is the snow, ice, sand and salt that is pushed to the side of the road, throughout the winter by snow plows and vehicle tires. When the slush caught the tires, my car jerked to the right. I gently eased back on the road and began fishtailing in the path of a 22 wheeled, fully loaded salt truck. "Oh God, Help me!" I obtained my side of the road as the truck went safely by. While trying to clean my windshield from the slush thrown on it by the passing 22 wheeler, I was again caught in the slush, and once again began to swerve.
With my window now clean again, I now saw an 18 wheeled fully loaded salt truck coming. I was fishtailing in his lane! Thinking, 'there is no way I will live through this one either,' I said, "Oh God, Help!" Once again, I swung over and was able to gain my side of the road, as the loaded '18 wheeler' went past. Windshield wipers clearing my windshield, and I was again caught in the slush. Another truck was coming, a cube delivery truck. Thinking, 'No way, I'd live through this one either. At least they are getting smaller.' I counter-steered frantically, and once more achieved my side of the road, as the delivery truck passed and spat slush on my windshield. Again for the third time in less than two minutes, I lost control of my tiny Cavalier.
The last truck was a red Dodge, Durango. I thought, 'I just might make it if this one hits me.' But when I saw the red truck, not 20 feet from my driver's side window, I thought, 'Nope. I am not going to make it. I am going to die.' Closing my eyes for impact so if by some strange reason I did not die, at least I would still have my eyesight, I said, "Here I come, Jesus! Ok, hit me. Where are you? I am not opening my eyes. Come on! Hit me!"
14-Work
By: ZP
Pressure, Hard, Fast, Difficult,
Running Past, Is it your Fault?
Tensely Ask, Take and Carry.
Make Money, Worry, Hurry!
Rushing People, Here and There,
Who said, Life, Doesn't have Flare?
Men, Women are tiny Flames,
When things Die, Who takes the Blame?
Slipping in and out of consciousness, I was brought to a hospital. When I woke I remember thinking, 'This is a hospital. Does heaven have hospitals?' Figuring it couldn't hurt to ask, I asked a nearby nurse if I was in heaven. She laughingly informed me, "No, you are not in heaven." She told me the name of the hospital and the town, province and country where it is located. She finished with, "Now is there someone we need to call to let them know where you are?"
I told the nurse my Husband's name and cell phone number and my Mother-in-law's name and her phone number. Somehow managing to destroy another windshield with my head, they sent me to London, for CAT scans and an MRI. The hospital did not keep me as long with this MVA. My Husband would not allow me to resume work for a week, because I had a painful limp, with bruises on my face and cuts in my head. A month later, I was still extracting glass from where it embedded in my scull. The entire passenger side of my Cavalier was obliterated, oddly enough, very similar to my first MVA. The alteration in my circumstances this time, saved my life. I was in the driver's seat with my suede, winter coat on. I do not know how, but with God's grace, my Cavalier turned, and the passenger side was struck. The Durango was not more than 20 feet from my driver's window when I realized that I was going to die.
The black, suede winter coat I still own, has two diagonal cuts, completely through the leather. Neither cut went wholly through the coat's inner lining, though. There is a 5 inch (12.7cm) cut on the exterior, exactly where the right subclavian artery branches outward, supplying blood to the right arm, head and thorax. The other, is a 4 inch (10.16cm) cut where the femoral artery is located on the left leg, near the groin. Severance of either or both arteries would have killed me within seconds or minutes. Amazed, I discovered how a suede, winter coat would preserve my life. (Psalm117) "O Praise the Lord, all ye nations: praise him, all ye people. For his merciful kindness is great toward us: and the truth of the Lord endureth for ever. Praise ye the Lord."
(1Kings20:28) "And there came a man of God, and spake unto the king of Israel, and said, Thus saith the Lord, Because the Syrians have said, The Lord is God of the hills, but he is not God of the valleys, therefore will I deliver all this great multitude into thine hand, and ye shall know that I am the Lord." To me, this passage means that God is in control. It does not matter which situation we are in, whether figuratively on a mountain or in a valley. He is God, He never changes. My firstborn was delivered by cesarean section. As he was delivered, someone said, "There is no way he was coming through the birth canal alive." We later discovered that the umbilical cord was wrapped around his arm, neck, waist and leg. Remembering my Mother's loss of one of my younger brothers, shortly after his birth, I still recall my confusion, heartbreak and the immense pain we all felt when I was only two years old. But God is still God.
15-Enlightenment
By: ZP
A velvet petal falls gently downward,
Pink as a child's cheek, soft as the kind breeze.
A tree stands beyond,
Bent and bowed, hard and cold.
To Survive - It MUST!
Past the tree is a frozen lake,
Mirroring life exactly as it sees it.
Man stands, gazing in the lake,
Seeing only what he can.
To Survive - He MUST!
I thought my second son was strong. In one ultrasound, he appeared to be flexing his arm muscles and showing off. As I was in the hospital, for a checkup when he was 37 weeks and 3 days gestation, he kicked me and I gasped, saying to my mother-in-law, "Owww! That one hurt! I guess he really wants out!" We proceeded to the elevator and came to the third floor where I was to have an ultrasound that day.
Five minutes later, I was having my ultra sound done when the Lab Technician began to push on my stomach quite hard with the ultrasound wand. Confused at her rough treatment, I said, "Owww! Easy!" She put the wand down with a clunk, saying as she left, "Stay there! I have to get the Doctor!" Not knowing what was happening, I waited for the Doctor.
He entered and instructed the Technician, "Check up here. Ok, now look down there. Over here, now up here on the right." Taking the ultra sound wand from her, he began looking for himself. I asked, "What is wrong?" Placing the wand down, he said, "We cannot find a fetal heartbeat." I responded, "So... What does that mean, emergency C-section? He was alive five minutes ago! He kicked me really hard on the first floor!" My Specialist's response cut my heart like a knife, "No, I will not cut you for a dead baby. Five minutes without oxygen kills the brain."
In shock, after cleaning ultrasound gel from my stomach and pulling my shirt over bulging stomach, I wandered into the waiting room, saying to my Mother-in-law, "He is dead." She ran in disbelief, back into the room where my Doctor confirmed the sad news to her. He then instructed, "Go home, tell your Husband and Family, notify a funeral home and return next week to be induced. If the baby stays inside you for another week, it will soften him up, making his delivery, easier." This is the only child that I have delivered without a cesearian section.
16-Ice
By: ZP
Love is all Lost
Where has it Gone?
Cold as the Frost
Before the Dawn,
All life is Still.
Everything froze.
Voice causes Chill,
I am turned to Stone.
Returning, we picked up my Son from his Aunt, telling her the awful news. Driving to my Mother-in-law's house, we told my Father-in-law, my Husband's Aunt and my Husband. My Husband phoned my Dad as we were driving toward his place, and asked him to gather my Family there. When everyone was assembled, I told them what my Specialist had said. One of my Sisters got up and gave me a huge hug which seemed to break the tension. Everyone was bewildered and upset. My Dad spoke words of comfort he knew through his own loss, saying, "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." I felt condemned, wondering "What did I do wrong? Why did God to let this happen to me?" (John9:2-4) "And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind? 3 Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him. 4 I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work."
My Husband, and his Dad, designed and built a casket. A Friend helped by designing a soft, purple interior. The following week I was induced, went into labour and had my second Son. At three o'clock in the afternoon, my Mother-in-law came and was there when they brought him back to me. At first I refused to hold or even look at him. My Husband held him first, my Mother-in-law next, she then handed him to me. She told me to hold him and kiss him goodbye. I did. (I had nightmares the following year, of digging up my son's casket with my hands because I needed to kiss him goodbye.) Wanting to flee, they would not allow me to leave for 24 hours. That night, one of my Brothers came to the hospital with his Wife to visit me and cheer me up. The next morning at 0900, I took the IV from my hand, saying, "You had better take this because it is dripping all over the floor and making a mess." After speaking briefly with a Counsellor and the Doctor, I left the hospital. The following year on the same date, I was back in the same hospital, on bed rest, pregnant with my third Son. Happily, this Son did not bypass me, but was delivered safely to me.
(1Corinthians10:13) "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." Someone placed an obituary, in the newspaper, and I was surprised and touched by the many, who appeared at his funeral. I am shocked, knowing how many have been touched by a similar loss. Asking what the purpose for his short life was, I sank into a deep depression and despair.
I thought "Why did You even let him live, if You were just going to take him from me, before he breathed? Why taunt me like that? If You weren't going to let me have him, why did You even give me hope?" Even knowing I was pregnant for my third Son, as a gift from God on Mother's Day of the same year, did not alleviate my postpartum depression. While on vacation that year, I remember saying to my Husband, "I just want to go home, and lose this baby at home, in my own bed."
(Matthew5:4) "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted."
I had been fired from my job (you are not the right material) about two months before my second Son's stillbirth. Stress decreases blood flow, what I did not yet know, is that roughly three times the normal amount of the stress hormone, cortisol, has been being dumped into my blood stream by a malfunctioning pituitary gland, since my 1st MVA. Although an autopsy was performed, there was no conclusive evidence. I was told, "Your body (you) killed your baby." Later, with my third Son I learned that "When a diabetic mother begins having sugar lows, (hypoglycemic reactions) regularly, late in her pregnancy, it is time for the baby to come out. If she does not deliver the baby, her umbilical cord will begin reversing the healthy flow of vital nutrients to the baby, and cause the child to die."
(2Corinthans1:3) "Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;" A year after losing my second Son, I was gifted with the healthy birth of my third Son; however, a year and a half after my loss, a dear Friend lost her Firstborn. Speaking to me, she said, "I don't know if we are going to try again. I am afraid. I never want to go through that again. It is horrible." I told her, "Do not rob yourself of your Blessings. Children are God's Blessings, don't you dare lie down and die! You will be blessed with children." I was given a verse, revealing why God allowed my loss. Seven years and three days, after losing my second son, I was in London again, comforting another Friend, in her loss. (2Corinthians 1:4) "Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God."
(Ephesians2:4-5) "But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us, 5 Even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, (by grace ye are saved;)" I love my Husband, more now, than when we first wed; however, our marriage has not always been a 'walk in the park'. Our love has been through purifying fire. Looking back, lends clarity of perspective and deep understanding, I could not otherwise obtain. (Ephesians5:8) "For ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the Lord: walk as children of light:"
Listening to someone speak about her relationship anxieties and difficulties, the cloud residing on her, transferred to me. Returning home, my Husband wanted to have coffee with his friends for an hour. Needing to decompress, I told him I would drop him off on my way over to my Mom's. The spirit of strife and dissension engulfed, overshadowed, and completely debilitated me. I needed to talk with my Mom. (She is a wealth of wisdom and direction and I knew, spiritually, she could help me realign and balance.)
Making a long story short, I never got to speak with my Mom that day. (Ephesians6:12) "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." I saw Satan, with black eyes and an unforgettable grimacing sneer, mocking my struggle to breathe. I began violently shaking as a portion of a verse in Job ran through my conscience, (Job38:11) "Hitherto shalt thou come, but no further." I was released.
17-Eater
By: ZP
With Jaws - Black and Devouring
Constantly eating, yet Never Satisfied;
Always Chopping, Tearing and Gnashing
Never Full, Incapable of Stopping.
Steals and Never Returns,
Takes, but Never Gives.
Impossible to Escape or Outwit.
Consuming Lives as well as Life,
The Continuous Vacuum, DEATH.
Serenity Prayer by: Reinhold Niebuhr
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
I called a Brother who was living out west. The conflict occurred on Sunday and I called him on Wednesday, asking if I could come and stay a while. After listening, he said "You can come but I have to go right now. I will call you back and we will book your flight." (I discovered later, that he beat a punching bag for almost two hours, bloodying his knuckles and frightening his Friends with his anger.) Phoning back, he booked my flight for the following Sunday, saying, "If you do not come, I will be on the next flight home and you do not want me coming there." I definitely did not.
I love my Husband and do not want him dead or in jail. I did not want my Brother in jail for assault or murder, either. I told my Husband, "I have a one way ticket, to go and stay with my Brother a while." His response was cutting, "Oh, how fitting, my misfit wife is running to stay with her misfit Brother."
18-Hate Evil
By: ZP
Evil is Near, Soon Emerges Hate
Quietly Fear, Begin to Migrate.
Sounds Disturb Ears, Cautioning too Late
Grimacing Sneer, Correctly in Place.
(Matthew26:41) "Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak." On the flight I opened my Bible and read Jesus' word on forgiveness, (Matthew6:15) "But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses." I began to cry, saying, "But, Abba, look at this trespass!" Abba said, (Romans12:19) "Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord."
19-Passing of the Day
By: ZP
Peace Shattered with War -
Love Killed by Hate -
Warm, Sunny Light -
Melting into Cold-
Electrified Night.
For at least an hour on the flight, I considered why I could not forgive this trespass. I actually wondered if I could get to heaven without our Father's forgiveness. Thank God for His grace. (John1:16) "And of his fulness have all we received, and grace for grace." I chose to release the bitterness, fear, anger and hate into my Father's hands and to forgive. Much later, I heard an apt analogy for unforgiveness, "Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
(Isaiah55:8) "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord." On this flight I was strengthened and empowered. He enabled me to bring life, instead of death, to my Brother. God's grace enabled me to pray for the People where I stayed. (Job42:10) "And the Lord turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends: also the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before." I read aloud, the entire book of John in the living room, and prayed for everyone who lived and visited. A year later my Brother said, "All my friends, who were living in that house when you came and visited, are clean."
(Psalm103:11) "For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him." My Brother said, "When you returned home, after spending ten days there, they all came to me, and told me individually, 'Your Sister is the strongest person I know.'" I was shocked and bewildered. When I came, I was 'on the run'. I was running for my life and they saw strength? If there was any strength in the situation, it was definitely not mine. (1Corinthians1:25) "Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men."
You are probably wondering, 'Why rehash this, if you are saying, "It is forgiven"?' (John16:1) "These things have I spoken unto you, that ye should not be offended." On my return from our Alaskan trip, as we flew back from Vancouver I saw a city below and was gifted with the knowledge, "You will return here, alone." I wondered how I could return alone, my Husband always comes with me. (John14:29) "And now I have told you before it come to pass, that, when it is come to pass, ye might believe."
(1John4:18) "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love."
God has a way of keeping His promises. (1John4:18) "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." While I was living in Louisiana, a Man who escaped jail found his ex-Wife and killed her. She and her children belonged to our Church. Her Children were my Brother and Sister's age. This memory has unknowingly haunted me, since I was quite young. I had even promised myself, "If I find myself married to a violent man, I will leave and never allow him to find me. I will simply disappear." God's love surpasses and destroys all fear.
20-Dream
By: ZP
Shattered Glass in a shadowed Street,
The Picture of a Million Stars.
Each, as a brilliant Diamond,
Rivals heaven's Wonder.
Celestial, mirrored in Mire,
Shards, Broken and Crushed,
Sparkle in the growing Light.
Once mundane, now a Striking Image
Forever Engraved in my Mind.
Destruction, Producer of an Awesome Sight.
Love is powerful. Love trumps fear and frightened vows. (1Peter4:8) "And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins." Researching charity, I found it means 'high price, dearness, costliness, and preciousness.' Many Bible versions now insert love, in the place of charity. We are all taught by our heavenly Father. Forgiveness actively shields the forgiver from the root of bitterness that begins to grow when someone causes injury. (1Corinthians13:8) "Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away."
1Corinthians 13
1"Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing. 4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, 5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; 6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; 7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. 8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. 9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. 10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. 11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. 13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity."
(Romans12:21) "Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good." Hopefully this rendition of my struggles will impart hope, strength and grace to you. We are 'more than conquerors'. (Romans8:37) "Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us." I am not saying, 'the violence magically disappeared.' it took lots of prayer, patience and God's grace. Even coming to a point where I cried, "Father, He will not stop. You may have to kill him."
(Ezekiel18:23) "Have I any pleasure at all that the wicked should die? saith the Lord God: and not that he should return from his ways, and live?" I later communicated these desperate words to my Husband. Thank God for His mercy and amazing grace... (1Corinthians12:31) "But covet earnestly the best gifts: and yet shew I unto you a more excellent way.
(2Samuel22:7) "In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried to my God: and he did hear my voice out of his temple, and my cry did enter into his ears." Over the year and a half following, I had the appalling privilege of watching as my husband learned meekness. (Hebrews5:8) "Though he were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered;" One good definition of meekness is 'power under control.' A friend once enlightened, "In Jesus' day, it was customary, to strike someone of lower status, (Roman striking a Jew) with the back of the left hand. When Jesus advises, 'turn the other cheek', it is a statement of position and status. It challenges to strike again, with the back of the right hand: raising the status of the one being struck, to an equal status with the striker (such as one Roman striking another Roman)." (Matthew5:39) "But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also."
(2Thessalonians1:6) "Seeing it is a righteous thing with God to recompense tribulation to them that trouble you;" My husband endured excruciating pain that year. His gums were cut away to facilitate crown placements on all but six teeth: four wisdom teeth were removed with subsequent jaw pain for six weeks: a festering pilonidal sinus came to necessitate surgery, along with daily packing and dressings afterward: toward the end of the year, a herniated disc in his lower back caused numbness and agonizing pain down his left leg sending him to the hospital Emergency. Visits to the Chiropractor, deep tissue massage, acupuncture and physiotherapy were all implemented before during and after an MRI established the presence of a herniated disk in his lower back. (Ezekiel18:21-22) "But if the wicked will turn from all his sins that he hath committed, and keep all my statutes, and do that which is lawful and right, he shall surely live, he shall not die. 22 All his transgressions that he hath committed, they shall not be mentioned unto him: in his righteousness that he hath done he shall live."
(Colossians3:12) "Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering;" Many, hearing the word meek, believe it means 'spineless; timid; unassertive;' however, when I hear meekness, I picture Jesus, God's Son, the most powerful Son of Man. He did not resist any thing his Father orchestrated for him to endure. He plainly told his disciples that he could at any time, call twelve legions (appx. 72,000) of angels to deliver him at any time during his betrayal and subsequent death. (Matthew26:53-54) "Thinkest thou that I cannot now pray to my Father, and he shall presently give me more than twelve legions of angels? But how then shall the scriptures be fulfilled, that thus it must be?" Jesus saw His future Family, us. He saw his own Brothers, Sisters and Mothers being made perfect through His sacrifice and joining Him in life eternal. (John3:16) "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."
(Proverbs13:19) "Seeing the desire accomplished, is sweet to the soul." On my birthday, my husband obtained 19 Chinese lanterns to celebrate. He called and invited his and my Family to help release them. Later, when he called to say we were heading down to launch them, my Dad replied, "We are busy. I do not think we will be coming." When my Husband saw my disappointment, his hands began to physically tremble. Love is powerful. I phoned back and everyone, except my Dad, came to help release them. It was a memorable and beautiful birthday gift. (John6:45) "It is written in the prophets, And they shall be all taught of God. Every man therefore that hath heard, and hath learned of the Father, cometh unto me."
There is no set schedule of learning. Why is difficult. (Psalm46:10) "Be still and know that I am God." is the only assurance. Why? This repetitious question has resurfaced more than I can remember. During my trials, I am generally not given a reason for their occurrence; however, as I consider and look back on each experience, I can see the spectacularly intricate patterns. Each trial has expunged fear. I conveyed to a Friend, "I have had the laughter kicked into me. I would not be able to excel through all these 'small and temporary troubles', without the 'joy of the Lord' as my strength." (Nehemiah8:10) "Then he said unto them, Go your way, eat the fat, and drink the sweet, and send portions unto them for whom nothing is prepared: for this day is holy unto our Lord: neither be ye sorry; for the joy of the Lord is your strength." (2Corinthians4:17) "For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;"
(1Peter1:7) "That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:" Before contracting diabetes, I feared needles. I still do not like needles; but now, I no longer fear them. Before my first MVA, I was afraid of pain. I still do not like pain; however, I no longer fear it. Before losing my second son, as a full term stillbirth, I feared losing my Family. I do not like losing my Family, but this fear no longer preys on my mind. Similarly, in the story of Job, God allowed Satan, to have power over all of Job, including his Family and health. Satan stole everything.
(Job13:15) "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him." Through his afflictions, Job is left without possessions, Children, health or even one, true Friend. Even his Wife advises him to "curse God and die" (Job 2:9). Job's story began in wealth, prosperity and health. After losing his wealth and Family, he confesses his fear, "For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me." (Job3:25) Fear is deadly. The command, 'Fear not!' is repeated many times throughout God's Word. My Dad repeated many times as I grew up, "Fear is useless. What is needed is trust."
(Hebrews11:7) "By faith Noah, being warned of God of things not seen as yet, moved with fear, prepared an ark to the saving of his house; by the which he condemned the world, and became heir of the righteousness which is by faith." In the two weeks before my extended Family assembled for my Grandmother's memorial service, I had the same vision, four times. The vision was given to me, twice before my Brother's accident. Then, twice more during the week that followed. My vision was of someone with brown eyes, behind the steering wheel of a car, driving slowly. The person turns and looks through their passenger window and says, "Oh Jesus!" as they see the blinding light of an oncoming vehicle. With only a second before collision, there is no time to push the gas pedal to gain forward momentum. Accompanying each vision, I was left with a feeling of failing or failure. "...and he will show you things to come." (John16:13)
Knowing when God gives either a vision or dream, in repetition, it means the interpretation is confirmed in heaven, (Genesis41:32) "And for that the dream was doubled unto Pharaoh twice; it is because the thing is established by God, and God will shortly bring it to pass." I prayed for mercy and grace to be imparted through the upcoming accident.
A week before my Grandmother's funeral, I woke at 0430 on a Saturday morning. As I was lying there wondering why I woke, I prayed. A terrifying wave of fear crashed over me. Shaking, crying and praying, I recognized the premonition to be a potentially fatal accident involving travel, having to do with someone in my immediate Family. Praying from 0500 until 0600, I tried to phone my Dad. He had already left home to finish up some work, so I explained my premonition and fear to my Mom. We prayed together and she advised me, "Contact your Siblings, tell them your premonition and tell them to pray for protection."
Finding who my premonition portrayed, as I signed off from the last call with one of my Brothers, I interceded for God's mercy. The verse from (Psalm79:11) "Let the sighing of the prisoner come before thee; according to the greatness of thy power preserve thou those that are appointed to die;" passed relentlessly through my conscience. I asked God to turn what the enemy meant for evil, into good. (Genesis 50:20) "But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive."
(John10:10) "The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." The next day, Sunday, I went to church. I had not told either of my older siblings about my premonition of Saturday morning because I was going to tell them when I saw them at church on Sunday. While I was telling my Brother about the fear that hit me like a wave, he rebuked me, saying, "This fear is not from God because God does not give us a spirit of fear." (2Timothy1:7) "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." Answering his cell phone, my Dad got up and left the service. Returning, he grabbed mine and my Mom's shoulders and told us that one of my Brothers had been in an accident. "There was an ice storm outside Winnipeg, his car flipped three times after hitting a three foot high snow bank at the side of the road. Everyone is safe. Not one occupant was injured." Although the car was destroyed, all three occupants survived without a scratch.
(Psalm50:23) "Whoso offereth praise glorifieth me: and to him that ordereth his conversation aright will I shew the salvation of God." That night, I called my Brother, and asked him if he had prayed, asking for God's protection, after I spoke with him yesterday morning. His response I will never forget, "Hell yea! Not only did I pray, I told the others what you said, and suggested that they pray too. One of my Friends who had not buckled before, actually buckled at a gas station, less than four miles before we hit the snow bank. The accident happened at 5 o'clock on Sunday morning, exactly 24 hours following your premonition. We climbed out of the car and walked 500 meters, where we found Police at another accident where two tractor trailers had collided." Later, when I visited my Brother, one of his car's occupants thanked me and my Family for praying. "I know I am alive today because your family prayed. Thank you for praying."
An interesting note, the members of our Family, who I had not contacted before the Sunday accident, independently prayed for the safety of the same Brother on the Saturday night, prior to his accident. (Psalm 107:8, 15, 21, 31) "Oh that men would praise the Lord for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men!"
One week after this amazing gift of life, my extended Family converged on Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, for the funeral of the Family Matriarch. I had the same vision, twice more before this gathering. With the fourth vision, I was given a verse. (1Peter5:8) "Be sober, be vigilant; because you adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour." Needless to say, the verse accompanying the vision had me concerned and praying. During the three days following the last vision, I was bombarded with the number 7. I was repeatedly seeing sevens, everywhere. Finally, after praying for revelation regarding the meaning of the 7, I realized I had been ignoring the '7' verse in 1Peter 5. (1Pete 5:7) "Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you." I understood all our lives from beginning to end are in His hands. God, in His ultimate mercy, was gifting me with His peace about what would soon happen.
(Romans8:26) "Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." At the memorial, noticing one of my Aunts with the most beautiful, shining, golden brown eyes I have ever seen, a thought dove through my mind, 'Maybe this is the brown eyed driver.' Immediately dismissing the thought I rationalized, 'I did not even know her to be brown eyed before this moment. She could not possibly be the driver of my vision.' Once, she came over and stood beside me, holding my Daughter for about 5 minutes. (I believe she was praying because she was not really speaking to me and what later happened with my Daughter.)
(1Chronicles29:113) "Thine, O Lord is the greatness, and the power, and the glory, and the victory, and the majesty: for all that is in the heaven and in the earth is thine; thine is the kingdom, O Lord, and thou art exalted as head above all. 12 Both riches and honour come of thee, and thou reignest over all; and in thine hand is power and might; and in thine hand it is to make great and to give strength unto all. 13 Now therefore, our God, we thank thee, and praise thy glorious name."
As she was holding my Daughter, I asked God three times, for permission to tell her about my vision. After getting a "No." twice, the third time my Abba responded; "No! You will not speak fear into her life." So I rambled about what happened to my Brother the week before, and shared my confusion that the vision had been given four separate times, for a single accident. Asking God to show me her Spirit (with my spiritual eyes open) I saw God's Peace. His Joy, Peace and Love were all vibrantly alive within her. I thought, 'There is no way she is dying', turning to my Uncle, her Husband, with my spiritual eyes still open, I saw a wounded spirit from which hurt, pain, anger and rage were emanating. I began interceding for him, not yet knowing why.
21-Eyes
By: ZP
Blue, Green, Hazel, Brown and Grey -
Each pair has something different to Say.
Love, Hate, Sorrow, Pity and Spite,
Look into each Set, can you see the Fight?
They do not want anyone to Know,
What their eyes give away, in Miniature Show.
(1Peter4:12-13) "Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy." Eight days following the memorial, I went into my three and a half month old Daughter's room. Lifting her to feed, I found her damp with sweat, cool, limp, grey in color and completely unresponsive. My first thought was, 'She is dead!' She was cool when I lifted her and I could not detect any breathing. Holding her in the air, looking at her I thought, 'My God! She is dead!' Going through my mind were my next actions, 'Dial 911, start CPR. I am not losing this one, too!' When she opened her unfocused eyes, I covered her with her blanket, grabbed my purse and ran out to the car, after telling my Husband, "I am taking her to the hospital!"
(Psalm79:11) "Let the sighing of the prisoner come before thee; according to the greatness of thy power preserve thou those that are appointed to die;" Almost an hour later, still in my slippers and without my winter coat, I was told the temperature, with wind chill, was negative 33 degrees Celsius (-27.4F). Eventually, we discovered our infant Daughter was suffering from a sepsis infection and was in septic shock when I brought her to the hospital. As the Doctor screwed an antibiotic intravenous into the bone marrow of her left leg first, and after it came out, her right leg, she stared vacantly at a far wall. Praise God for His grace. Through the prayers of faithful Friends and Family, the diligence of many skilled medical Professionals, emergency helicopter Pilots and ambulance Paramedics, twenty-two days later, I brought my tiny Daughter home alive.
(James1:2,3,4) "My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing." Through each hardship I have and will experience, it gives me immeasurable comfort to recognize my Abba Father's direction of my path. He knows me better than my Mom, Dad, Sisters, Brothers, Children and Spouse. He is aware of all my strengths and weaknesses: He will never give me more than I can handle. He is always Faithful and True. He will never leave me and never forsake me.
22-Refined
By: ZP
Battered, Beaten, Dry and Withered,
The Strongest Wood is the Weathered. (Ironbark)
Ground, Broken, Sanded and Crumbled,
Most Beautiful Gems are the Tumbled.
Trials, Troubles, Tests and Tears
Only Give Courage to Conquer our Fears.
Don't you Dare Lay Down and Die!
Get Up and Raise the Battle Cry!
(1Corinthians10:13) "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." While we were in London, with my Daughter during her septic shock episode, one of my own Sisters was also brought to the same hospital and placed in the same ward, nearly comatose with Type 1 Diabetes. The enemy was attacking on all fronts. Soon afterward, in April the fatal visions were fulfilled. My Sister called, telling me sad news of an MVA, claiming the life of our Aunt. Shocked and upset for our Cousins and Uncle, I did not realize until hanging up and receiving the vision a fifth time, that it was finished. I prayed for comfort and healing to encircle my Uncle and Family through this difficult separation.
(Hebrews13:5) "Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for He hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." When we were at the funeral of the Family Matriarch in January, while speaking with an Uncle, he casually asked if it was a shock to me, that Grandma had passed away. With my hands beginning to shake, I told him about being hospitalized on 'bed rest' for my third Son, and having a dream on the morning of Christmas Eve, 2005. In the dream, my Family was sitting in the main room of my Parent's house, the day after Boxing Day (December 27th). We were all talking and visiting when the telephone rang: my Dad went into the kitchen and answered. After speaking briefly and hanging up, he returned to the main room and said, "Mom is dead." I called my Dad from the hospital, and conveyed this dream to him, on December 24, 2005.
My Uncle was surprised. He said, "I was with Mom, when she died. She died at 11:30, on the night of December 27, 2007. All the documents list her as deceased at 12:00 AM on the 28th but I was there, she died at 11:30 PM on the 27th of December. This is incredible. Have you had any other things like this happen?" While I continued talking with him, I had another vision. The Uncle, I was speaking with, was standing against a wall speaking to a woman dressed in white and wearing a white hat. He was speaking, "It is a shame that we all had to get together again, so soon after Mom's funeral. All of us couldn't make it this time. Most of us did make it to this one too, and we know their thoughts are with us." After having the vision while speaking with my Uncle, I excused myself and sat down. (Psalm71:7) "I am as a wonder unto many; but thou art my strong refuge."
(2Corinthians4:6-11) "For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. 7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. 8 We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; 10 Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body. 11 For we which live are always delivered unto death for Jesus' sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh."
I could not go to my Aunt's funeral; however, I was talking to one of my Sisters about the vision I had at Grandma's funeral, after our Aunt's funeral. She then told me that the Uncle I had been speaking about had recorded himself on our Dad's camera at the funeral, sending a message back to those of us who could not attend. He said the same things I had seen him saying to the woman, in white, in my vision while we were still at my Grandma's funeral. When we returned to my parent's house, my Sister showed me the recording of our Uncle, imparting his message. I had been upset by my vision at my Grandmother's funeral and had not told him the vision, then.
(Ezekiel3:14) "So the spirit lifted me up, and took me away, and I went in bitterness, in the heat of my spirit; but the hand of the Lord was strong upon me." More recently I had a dream, twice. The first time I had this dream, I thought, 'I have to write this dream down. Even though it does not make any sense, I need to record it.' Busy with my day's activities, I forgot the dream before I had time to jot it down in my journal. The second time I received the dream, I recorded it.
Running up the Tree Dream
Randomly, I was compelled to complete a course. Not given any explanation of purposes, intents or goals: I was forcibly pushed inside a huge room with the heavy, wooden door closing solidly behind me. I was unprepared for this course. I barely had the chance to eat, first. There was no handle inside the door. Bitterness engulfed me, angry at being forced to complete this study. I did not even know the object of the course. As I stumbled into the room, I thought, 'I have not done anything to merit this punishment, why am I always the one who gets stuck like this?'
23-Persecution
By: ZP
Racism, Bigotry and Intolerance
Every Person takes their Stance.
Although Persecution is looked down upon,
Attention is bestowed upon the Wrongs.
Everyone is entitled to their own Opinion;
Unless, of Course, they are a Christian.
(2Timothy3:12) "Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution." There were many people locked in the large room with me. Speaking with three women, I found one who had been in the room for 15 years, another for 5 years and a third for 3 years. I thought, 'There is no way I am staying here that long.' They could not tell me the object of the course because they did not know. Some of the people in the room were competing with each other, in what appeared to be a grassy meadow (archery, javelin throwing and races) on the other side of the room.
A high, smooth wall was directly to my right. Almost a meter from the wall, there were deep bathtubs, side by side. The tubs were set in a long line. It was impossible to cross over into the grassy meadow, unless I waded through the length of one tub. The tubs were filled with a thick, brownish black, oily slime. Some people were wading through the slime. One, trying to walk on the thin edges of two tubs, slipped into a very painful position. There was a lot of noise as people argued, laughed, competed and fought in the tubs and the grassy meadow beyond. Some were slinging slime at each other as they laughed and fought. Noting there was no water to 'clean off' after wading through the slime, I declined to compete.
(Malachi3:16-18) " Then they that feared the Lord spake often one to another: and the Lord hearkened, and heard it, and a book of remembrance was written before him for them that feared the Lord, and that thought upon his name. 17 And they shall be mine, saith the Lord of hosts, in that day when I make up my jewels; and I will spare them, as a man spareth his own son that serveth him. 18 Then shall ye return, and discern between the righteous and the wicked, between him that serveth God and him that serveth him not."
Walking the narrow pathway between the wall and slime tubs, with my three companions before, behind and beside, we conversed animatedly. Near the end of the day, after walking all day, we came to an area of soft grass located just beyond the last slime tub. We all sat down and I took off my shoes to rest my aching feet. Seeing an odd looking tree in the distance, I asked my friends if they knew anything about it. Knowing the needles of most pine trees are edible and not having had anything to eat since entering the room, I ran with all my strength and power, straight up the tree. (My Son summed up what the tree looked like as I told him the dream, saying, "It was like a Christmas tree on top of a pole.")
The tree had soft nettles on it; however, the bark was white and smooth like a birch tree. There was a large knot, two thirds up the trunk, after which the soft needles appeared. Upon reaching the knot, I stopped and began eating the soft nettles, voraciously. After consuming approximately two cups of needles and dropping some down to my friends below, I was back on the ground. I began walking toward the far wall of darkly tinted glass, reflecting the huge room. As I came toward the glass wall, I lifted my right hand to shade my eyes, intending to peer into the room on the other side. A portion of the wall swung open to allow my entrance to the next room.
24-Structure
By: ZP
Surrounding Steel, Cement and Glass,
Tall, Unbending, Hard and Brittle.
The nameless Ghosts, go darting past;
Well concealed, revealing little.
What goes on beyond shaded masks?
Apparitions, ceaseless trickles;
Each is too afraid to ask.
They are Tunes played on the fiddle.
Ask Masks, Reflecting Glass, Called Past.
Passing through the wall-door, I found myself in a huge library. My three friends and others entered behind me. This library had large stacks of books in divider columns, beside each another. The room was in a large circle. The reading method in this library was to select a book from a stack, and when finished, you placed it on top of the next column on the right. I chose a book, called 'Overcome... With a Yellow Face', and my dream ended as I sat down and began to read. (Researching, I found this is a theatric play about overcoming ethnic prejudice and bias.)
(Hebrews13:6) "So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me." Love is a major base for the enemy to instill fear. I nearly lost my Husband through fear. A fear that was unknowingly buried deep within me, years prior to my marriage. I have lost one child before he was born, nearly lost my infant Daughter to septic shock, had my younger Son fall from a rope swing onto the driveway (smashing his head on asphalt, after plunging six feet) and my oldest manage to lodge a piece of meat halfway down his throat. God has spared each of my living children from an untimely death, and taught me to trust Him.
(Psalm16:9) "Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope." Recently, I was put through a ten week 'course'. During this period, I was not allowed to be alone with my Children. I was charged with assault with a weapon and placed in the clinker overnight, dragged through the courts (ultimately put through a 'course' I had no wish to go through). It was time for me to learn the Spiritual fruit of temperance (self-restraint and self-discipline). (Galatians5:22-23) "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law."
(Isaiah60:1) "Arise, shine; for thy light is come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon thee." Being a Type 1, Brittle diabetic and unable to manage my diabetes, I had booked in to see my Endocrinologist. In the two months before our meeting, I managed to assault my oldest Son, with a plastic serving spoon. The Children's Aid Society (CAS) and Police arrived on my doorstep the following evening after school. (John13:20) "Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that receiveth whomsoever I send receiveth me; and he that receiveth me receiveth him that sent me." Speaking with them in my house, for two hours then driving over to the police station and speaking with them for another two hours; I was taken into custody with charges of assault with a weapon, I was incarcerated overnight. The next day, I pled guilty to disciplining my Son with a serving spoon. Signing a written agreement with the CAS, to refrain from spanking my Children, I was placed under a restraining order that mandated I not be left alone with my Children, until the case could be heard by a Judge. I was treated with the utmost gentleness and curtesy by the Police and Guards.
Around 0300, the Enemy tried to engulf me with hopelessness and cause me to take my life; (an option that I had not been given when the outcome would have been my demise in the Psychiatric Ward) but the Peace of God, surrounded and encompassed me to the point where I started to sing quietly. Knowledge of the pain that I would leave behind with such a cowardly act, helped restrain my hand. Suicide is a sacrifice to the god of fear. My Father will not suffer me to be tempted above that which I am able to handle. This song, praising my Abba kept me safe from the accuser's onslaught... "Blessing and Honour and Glory and Power and Glory and Power and Glory and Power, Blessing and Honour and Glory and Power be Thine both now and evermore. Praise Him. Praise Him. Let all the Saints adore Him. Praise Him. Praise Him both now and evermore."
25-Cynical
By: ZP
People are puppets, dancing about -
Artful Masters skillfully pull strings.
Stupid sheep led about, don't lose count!
They say, "You are Free!" but the Piper sings:
"Why are humans oh so Dumb?
Young? No. Their minds are Numb!"
(Psalm37:39) "But the salvation of the righteous is of the Lord: he is their strength in the time of trouble." Being locked in a cell again, brought back the horror of the Psychiatric Ward. Coincidentally, the investigating Detective, speaking with me the next morning, got to hear the saga of my stay on the Psychiatric floor. Not coincidentally, he intimated that he had been working in the Psychiatric Ward in that hospital, the same year. He recorded my testimony.
I did not know it is illegal to discipline my children with a rod. Following the Scripture, (Proverbs23:13-14) "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. 14 Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell." I thought that I was free to obey God's Word (freedom of religion). I told the arresting Officer and the CAS, "If you are going to have a problem with me obeying my God, I am going to have a big problem with you. (Proverbs13:24) 'He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.' I do not hate my Son, I love him very much."
(Romans6:14) "For sin shall not have dominion over you: for ye are not under the law, but under grace." Being shown by the Spirit, numerous times prior to its occurrence, that these troubles would come, I was gifted with grace to maintain integrity throughout. (Psalm17:3) "Thou hast proved mine heart; thou hast visited me in the night; thou hast tried me, and shalt find nothing; I am purposed that my mouth shall not transgress." As I was being paraded through the main corridor of the courthouse, with my hands cuffed and bare ankles in shackles, I looked at a young lady who was sitting on the floor watching me pass. She was doubtless thinking, 'Now what has she done?' I was blessed with enough peace and grace to send her a wide smile.
(It is humorous that I had a dream, prior, where I was sitting on the floor, in the courthouse as a woman with shackles and cuffs was being led past. In my dream, the woman, looked at me and smiled. Sitting there in disbelief I thought, 'I don't want to be here. Thank God I am not in cuffs. What does she have to smile about?')
Another time, I was asked by a friend, "What are you in here (the courthouse) for?" I replied, "Believe it or not, I disciplined my Son. I did not know it is considered 'assault with a weapon' to discipline my Son with a plastic serving spoon." (Proverbs22:12) "The eyes of the Lord preserve knowledge, and he overthroweth the words of the transgressor." I sent out to my family a complete explanation of the circumstances surrounding my charges and asked for prayer. Ten weeks later, the Judge who would decide my sentence, listened to the truth and slander of the Prosecuting Attorney. He sentenced me to two years probation, continuation of counseling and specifically "declined to make a judgment regarding any restriction of access." (He completely lifted the restraining order.) He also included in my sentence, "You are to appear and give a DNA sample to the national, criminal databank."
(Revelation12:11) "And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death." The DNA criminal databank is a DNA record of everyone who has been found guilty of crime. By ordering a blood sample to be taken from me, he was ordering an officer to commit assault on me. In Canada, it is considered assault to draw someone's blood without their permission. I did not verbally object or bring up this matter, with the officer taking my blood; however, my arresting Officer was there and I spoke to him about this idiosyncrasy within our justice system. Only afterward, was I reminded of Paul's words in (Acts23:3) "Then said Paul unto him, God shall smite thee, thou whited wall: for sittest thou to judge me after the law, and commandest me to be smitten contrary to the law?" There is indeed 'nothing new under the sun' (Ecclesiastes1:9) "The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun."
(John16:33) "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."
I was given many comforting Words through this time. (Psalm34:17) "The righteous cry, and the Lord heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles." (Psalm34:19) "Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all." (Psalm59:1) "Deliver me from mine enemies, O my God: defend me from them that rise up against me." (Psalm91:15) "He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him." (Psalm 107:6) "Then they cried unto the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them out of their distresses."
26-Life
By: ZP
Life Sucks, Live It!
Life Bucks, Ride It!
Life Rules, Tame It!
Life Fools, Blame It!
Life Rocks, Flip It!
Life Docks, Ship It!
Life Cools, Freeze It!
Life Fuels, Feed It!
Life Flies, Board It!
Life Dies, Hoard It!
(Psalm107:20) "He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions." After my Endocrinologist heard what had happened, she ordered a bunch of blood tests. The tests revealed abnormal amounts of cortisol in my blood. She ordered an MRI immediately and an appointment with a pituitary gland specialist, 'as soon as possible'. She said my cortisol (stress hormone) levels are three times the norm for a 'totally stressed person,' contributing to my unmanageable sugar levels. She believed the accident of 1999 to be responsible for these abnormally high cortisol levels. If she had not ordered extensive blood testing, as a result of the assault charges, we would never have discovered my extremely high cortisol levels.
Being sent to neuropsychologists for further assessment and counseling, following the debacle, I began discovering many inabilities and failures are directly related to my head injury of 1999. My probation officer brought to my attention that all nine 'side effects' of a head injury are also 'diabetic symptoms' I have and do experience with either a hypo- or hyper- glycemic reaction. Not being able to differentiate between 'head trauma' and 'diabetes' complicates the muddle. Another interesting fact is the diabetic drug, insulin, was formerly used for treatment of psychiatric patients, in mental institutions.
I have been muddling through life with an erroneous perception that I am normal. Now I know that if there is auditory stimulus from more than three sources, I become overwhelmed, irritated and upset. The increase in auditory stimulus is resultant of my left diffuse axonal hematoma. Having this new information, I now know that it is necessary to diffuse the stimulus or extract myself from any situation with multiple auditory stimuli (more than three sound sources). When I explained this to my Husband, he remembered something about when we first started dating. While sitting in the kitchen of my parent's house, I was actively listening to and responding to four separate conversations, going on simultaneously, one conversation was over 30 feet away. He told me that he remembers asking me to tell him what everyone was saying and I repeated all the conversations to him as they were occurring.
**(2Corinthians4:18) "W** hile we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal." I find it interesting that I did not remember the 'running up the tree' dream until I was through the 'unwanted course' and already in the 'learning library'. When I was recounting the two identical dreams to my Mother, she stated, "The nettles are for your nourishment and competing compels you into and through filth." See, I told you she is wise. (James3:17) "But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy."
(Romans4:4-5) "Now to him that worketh is the reward not reckoned of grace, but of debt.5 But to him that worketh not, but believeth on him that justifieth the ungodly, his faith is counted for righteousness." Recently I was speaking with a Sister, sharing a revelation: "Once we believe in God's grace through Jesus Christ, we are made clean, pure, spotless and undefiled." Her response was, "We must agree to disagree." claiming, "There are many 'Christians' who do not act like followers of Christ, they just keep on sinning." I responded, "If we have accepted Jesus' sacrifice and blood as payment for our sin, his blood covers all our sin, past, present and future." She responded with Romans3:23 "All have sinned and come short of the glory of God." And (1John1:9) says " If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us." My response is, "Our flesh is sin, but God's Spirit is holy and if He abides in us, He makes us wholly holy."
Herein is a truthful paradox. (Romans8:33) says "Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth." If we walk in God's Spirit, we cannot sin. (1John3:9) "Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God." There is instruction about seeing your brother sin and what we should do. (1John5:16) "If any man see his brother sin a sin which is not unto death, he shall ask, and he shall give him life for them that sin not unto death. There is a sin unto death: I do not say that he shall pray for it." (1John1:7) "But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin." Speaking with a Friend recently, I was told, "You are a really good person." I responded with Jesus' words, (Matthew19:17) "Only God is good." To which she responded, "Well if God is good, and He lives inside you, then I guess He makes you good." (John14:10) "Believest thou not that I am in the Father, and the Father in me? the words that I speak unto you I speak not of myself: but the Father that dwelleth in me, he doeth the works." It is indeed "a paradox, a paradox, a most ingenious paradox!" (1983 Movie: The Pirates of Penzance)
(The FreeOnline Dictionary says that a Paradox is "a seemingly contradictory statement that may nonetheless be true.")
27-Wisdom
By: ZP
She is Mysterious, Elusive and Beautiful,
Cautious, Alert, Engulfing and Watchful.
She is Aware of all Situations,
But doesn't Surrender to Persuasions.
She offers Advice worthy of Kings,
The Price of which is more than Rings.
She, the Thought, Cannot be Bought.
Wisdom, Untamed, she must be Caught.
(Psalm35:24) "Judge me, O Lord my God, according to thy righteousness; and let them not rejoice over me." I must confess I became riled as she mockingly said, "You can't tell me that you are perfect. I know you, and you are not perfect." At which time, I quickly said, "Well you guys have a good night, Bye." (Romans8:1) says "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." God speaks of Abraham in (Genesis15:6) "And he believed in the Lord; and he counted it to him for righteousness."
We too can be counted as righteous if we believe God. Jesus said in (Matthew5:20), "Unless your righteousness exceeds the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, you shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven." The apostle Paul was 'blameless according to the law' before he met Christ on the road to Damascus and learned about true righteousness with God. (Philippians3:6) "Concerning zeal, persecuting the church; touching the righteousness which is in the law, blameless." So we see that righteousness is not attained by works but through belief in God and His Word.
(2Timothy4:8) "Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing." In conclusion, I would like to encourage all who read this: difficult circumstances, tests, trials and afflictions we are facing, is not necessarily punishment for sin. Job was called perfect three times, (Job1:1, Job1:8, Job2:3) and we know what happened to him.
It is written, "Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations" (Genesis6:9). Noah was left on an ark that he built, for over a year, with the animals and his Family. Jesus is perfect and God allowed him to endure taunts, mockery, scourging, betrayal and death even though he is innocent. (Luke6:40) "The disciple is not above his master: but every one that is perfect shall be as his master."
(John 15:15) "Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you." God said to Abraham in (Genesis17:1) "...I am the Almighty God; walk before me, and be thou perfect." Praise God, perfection is attainable with God. He even commands his people to be perfect. (Deuteronomy18:13) "Thou shalt be perfect with the Lord thy God." (Matthew5:48) "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect."
(1John3:10) "In this the children of God are manifest, and the children of the devil: whosoever doeth not righteousness is not of God, neither he that loveth not his brother." My original engagement ring is beautiful. I received it directly after my release from the 'loony bin' and wore it until it gashed my middle finger. Removing it, I said, "I will not wear something that will hurt me."
A few months later, my Husband and I went with another couple to Las Vegas. We were in 'The Venitian' and found a pearl booth. Our friend, opening the first oyster, found a white pearl (8.5mm). Surrendering to the urge, I began opening them. The first one was a blue pearl, symbolizing wisdom (8.1mm). The second was another blue pearl (7.1mm), third was a white pearl, with green and rose shades representing purity, longevity and beauty (7.5mm). Fourth was another white pearl (7mm). I was watching my Husband as I decided on settings. With the slightest signal, I was prepared to stop and cut my losses. Thankfully, no signal ever came. The larger white and blue pearls are together in a maile pennant. The maile lei represents love, honor and respect. The smaller blue pearl was set in a ring. 'I more than tripled my money in Vegas' as we returned home and I had them appraised. **(Isaiah48:17) "** Thus saith the Lord, thy Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel; I am the Lord thy God which teacheth thee to profit, which leadeth thee by the way that thou shouldest go."
28-Two but One
By: ZP
Eyes remind me of a Fawn
But that cannot possibly be All!
Hair magnificent, golden Dawn,
Memory of fluttering leaves in Fall.
Planes and Angles of His Face are Prose
Lips, the Replica of a Rose.
Eyes remind me of the Spring.
In every Shadow, I see Her and give Chase.
Memories of my lovely, sculptured Sapling,
Lush Meadows, glint from Her perfect Face.
Beauty, Everlasting, Natural and Strong -
Gives life, breath, and meaning to this, My Song.
(1Corinthians13:10) "But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away." Returning to our hotel, in Las Vegas, I began reading Isaiah54. (Isaiah54:5) says, "For thy Maker is thine husband; the Lord of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called." This was the first time I can say, I really 'saw' this verse. God was telling me, "He is my Husband." I have since worn the smaller blue pearl ring on my left ring finger. My Husband, returning to Las Vegas a year later, brought home another beautiful white pearl ring to complete my maile set. The white pearl, has shades of green (stands for purity and longevity), and is 6.8mm. I have crushed the pearl rings into my other fingers, without leaving a mark, thanks to their smooth surface. (Mark12:29-30) " **And Jesus answered him, The first of all the commandments is, Hear, O Israel; The Lord our God is one Lord: 30** ******And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment."** I now have two Fathers and two Husbands! The first is earthly and the second is heavenly. ( **1Corinthians15:48)** **"** As is the earthy, such are they also that are earthy: and as is the heavenly, such are they also that are heavenly."
(Isaiah55:8) "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord." The first time I saw my Husband, he winked at me. Even though I had no idea who he was, the thought went through my head, 'If I had to marry someone, it would be him.' When this incident happened, I was in Grade 10. I was not dating or interested in finding a spouse, it was an especially strange thought.
The second time I met my husband (to be), was two and a half months after my first car accident. I said to my best friend, "He is mine." I didn't know that he was the same one who I had thought about marrying three years prior to our second meeting. Only after being married for seven years, did I discover that I had married the one I had unconsciously chosen, in that instant. God took away my goals and aspirations, of becoming a lawyer and getting rich, and gave me His better dream. My Husband and Children are the Blessings, my Abba knew I desired. (Psalm37:4) "Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart."
(John4:24) "God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth." The week following my Husband's second return from Vegas, we visited Mexico. I found a gorgeous alexandrite ring. The trillium cut alexandrite in the ring is spectacular. Changing color throughout the day, it is brilliant blue in bright sunlight: shade turns it either turquoise or indigo: known as the evening amethyst, it changes to purple in incandescent light and shoots out red sparks with firelight. Having it appraised after returning from Mexico, my Gemologist said, "It is a synthetic alexandrite sapphire, not even worth appraising."
(Matthew21:42) "Jesus saith unto them, Did ye never read in the scriptures, The stone which the builders rejected, the same is become the head of the corner: this is the Lord's doing, and it is marvellous in our eyes?" My Husband asked me, "What do you think about it now?" I responded, "It is the most beautiful thing I have: my own peculiar treasure. The apparent lack of value in the eyes of the expert, makes it special and precious, particularly to me. It is my own peculiar treasure." In that moment, God showed me exactly how He sees us. (Exodus19:5) says, "Now therefore, if ye will obey my voice indeed, and keep my covenant, then ye shall be a peculiar treasure unto me above all people: for all the earth is mine:" We are His 'peculiar treasure.' (1Pete 2:9) "But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light;"
29-Salvation
By: ZP
I'd like to remain here, if I may.
I cannot bear to go away!
Some things on earth are interesting.
Others, I am sure, are prepossessing-
But this Light, I've viewed tonight,
Has left me breathless with its sight.
Such awesome beauty, caused my eyes to smart,
And I will not leave, 'til it's in my heart.
(Ephesians2:8-9) "For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: 9 Not of works, lest any man should boast."
(Psalm32:11) "Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, ye righteous: and shout for joy, all ye that are upright in heart."
(Philippians4:4) "Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say, Rejoice."
(Isaiah54:17) "No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the Lord."
(Galatians6:17) "From henceforth let no man trouble me: for I bear in my body the marks of the Lord Jesus."
(Isaiah55:6-13) "Seek ye the Lord while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near: 7 Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the Lord, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon. 8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. 9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. 10 For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater: 11 So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it. 12 For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. 13 Instead of the thorn shall come up the fir tree, and instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree: and it shall be to the Lord for a name, for an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off."
There is an interesting fact about Mark Twain, which coincides with (Jeremiah19:11) "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." Mark Twain was born on the day of the appearance of Halley's Comet in 1835, and died on the day of its next appearance in 1910. He himself predicted this in 1909, when he said: "I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet." (From Google: Interesting Facts about Mark Twain)
Epilogue:
(Titus2:13-14) "Looking for that blessed hope, and the glorious appearing of the great God and our Saviour Jesus Christ; 14 Who gave himself for us, that he might redeem us from all iniquity, and purify unto himself a peculiar people, zealous of good works."
(Psalm90:15-17) "Make us glad according to the days wherein thou hast afflicted us, and the years wherein we have seen evil. 16 Let thy work appear unto thy servants, and thy glory unto their children. 17 And let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us: and establish thou the work of our hands upon us; yea, the work of our hands establish thou it."
(Job42:10) "And the Lord turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends: also the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before."
(Job42:12) "So the Lord blessed the latter end of Job more than his beginning...."
(2Corinthians2:17) "For we are not as many, which corrupt the word of God: but as of sincerity, but as of God, in the sight of God speak we in Christ."
(2Corinthians3:17-18) "Now the Lord is that Spirit: and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. 18 But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord."
(2Corinthians5:17-21) "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. 18 And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation; 19 To wit, that God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them; and hath committed unto us the word of reconciliation. 20 Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ's stead, be ye reconciled to God. 21 For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him."
(Numbers6:24-27) "The Lord bless thee, and keep thee: 25 The Lord make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee: 26 The Lord lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace. 27 And they shall put my name upon the children of Israel, and I will bless them."
(Israel means he struggles with God.)-Strong's Exhaustive Concordance
30-Stand
By: ZP
Chaos, confusion, the mindless rush...
Jostling crowds, the masses crush.
Do not be enveloped, STAND!
All are Busy, with something to do...
Saying, "Come! Let's go! Don't miss the cue!"
Do not be forced into the flow, STAND!
Pushing, marching to a silent band...
They shove, race and run on sea and land.
Do not join the panic, STAND!
There is no coincidence.
There is only the illusion of coincidence.
2Thessalonians 3
3 Finally, brethren, pray for us, that the word of the Lord may have free course, and be glorified, even as it is with you: 2 And that we may be delivered from unreasonable and wicked men: for all men have not faith. 3 But the Lord is faithful, who shall stablish you, and keep you from evil.
Philippians 4
19 But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
Acknowledgements: |
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10-of-the-best-stories-from-kenji-miyazawa-and-nankichi-niim.epub | "About Little J Books\n\nOther Titles by Little J Books\nGauche the Cellist\n\nby Kenji Miyazawa\n\n(...TRUNCATED) |
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in Data Studio
BookCorpus cleaned, near-deduplicated, and cross-deduplicated with pg19.
This dataset has also been decontaminated with respect to the following benchmarks based on n-gram overlap:
- GLUE (dev set of SST-2, CoLA, QQP, WNLI, RTE, QNLI, MNLI; test set of MPRC)
- SIQA, PIQA, QASC, CSQA, HellaSWAG (all dev set)
- CONLL 2003
- BLIMP
- MAIN
- BoolQ (dev set)
- WinoGrande (dev set)
- ANLI (test set)
- ARC easy and challenge (test set)
- RACE middle and high (test set)
- MMLU (dev, val, and test sets)
- MATH, GSM8K (test set)
- HumanEval (test set)
- GPQA (diamond)
Number of samples: 16,024.
Size of downloaded parquet files: 3.3G.
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