Question: When doing conversations about critical feedback to others the approach that I know is optimal and most books recommend is using a tentative language, state the point in a factual and non justmental way, ask the other person's perspective and if there is some other explanation that they know and we don't.  

Usually this works well, but I have encountered a particular case where it does not.  

What happens is that an input such as the following:

> 
> I have noticed that X happened on these specific occasions with Y
> impact. This makes me think that there is the possibility that you might
> not be paying attention to important details of the work assignment but I
> could be wrong. I am interested in hearing your perspective on this.
> Am I missing something perhaps?
> 
> 
> 

What happens is that the person condences it to "you are not paying attention" and the whole context is discarded. The person actually said to someone else that I literally said "you are not paying attention".  

I was wondering if others have encountered this kind of reaction and if I am doing something wrong

Answer: 
> 
> I have noticed that X happened on these specific occasions with Y impact. This makes me think that there is the possibility that you might not be paying attention to important details of the work assignment but I could be wrong. I am interested in hearing your perspective on this. Am I missing something perhaps?
> 
> 
> 

You are telling them you basically already made up your mind. It was their fault. They may now start finding excuses and presenting them to you and you will not believe them anyway.

The whole paragraph is judgemental and not solution oriented. Even if you take out your judgemental part, *it is still about whose fault it is*.

> 
> I have noticed that X happened on these specific occasions with Y impact. What can we do to make sure that doesn't happen again?
> 
> 
> 

Now, you are looking for a *solution* with an open mind. Not for someone to blame with a default already set.
### You can never expect a person to accept feedback, nor can you control their reaction to it.

Feedback needs to be presented as a gift to the recipient, not something the giver needs the receiver to hear. Quality feedback means "here is something I'd like you to know about yourself, do with it as you will." Back in my old touchy-feely orgainization, the phrase was always "there are 3 things you can do with feedback," with the unsaid assumption that one of those things is to discard it (the other two are accept but not act on it, and third is accept and act). Further, feedback that was not requested is much less likely to be accepted.

Feedback is not part of the accountability loop (Set expecations, observe results, follow-up - begin again). The accountability loop is about behaviors. "These things have happened, and I need you to take action to have them not happen again."

When you provide feedback, the person always gets to choose whether or not to accept it. You also can't control their reaction to the feedback. You have found a person who reacted negatively to your feedback. Let's be clear, you are telling them they aren't paying attention but are trying to be nice about it. There probably isn't a way to tell someone this and not have it not be seen as negative. So that's it. Don't tell someone "it seems like you might not be paying attention to important details" and expect them to *not* hear "you aren't paying attention." If you want them to stop missing things, tell them to stop missing things.