Create dad_jokes.txt

dad_jokes.txt

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+What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open-toad sandals.
+I just built an ATM that only gives out coins. I don’t know why no one’s thought of it before: it just makes cents!
+Did I ever tell you about the time I went mushroom foraging? It’s a story with a morel at the end.
+What happened when two slices of bread went on a date? It was loaf at first sight.
+Why do crabs never volunteer? Because they're shell-fish.
+I had a quiet game of tennis today. There was no racket.
+What's a shark's favorite saying? "Man overboard!"
+What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race? You're toast!
+I poured some water over a duck's back yesterday. I don't think he cared.
+How did I know my girlfriend thought I was invading her privacy? She wrote about it in her diary.
+Why did the electric car feel discriminated against? Because the rules weren't current.
+I'm such a good navigator, a self-driving car once asked me for directions.
+Why do melons have weddings? They cantelope.
+What did the bison say to his son when he left the ranch? Bi-son.
+Watch what you say around the egg whites. They can't take a yolk.
+I'm so good at fixing things, my motto is, "If it is broke, I'll still fix it."
+Where did the pumpkins have their meeting? In the gourdroom.
+What's the best way to save your dad jokes? In a dadda-base.
+I got a new pen that can write under water. It can write other words too.
+My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” So I went in as Batman.
+I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. There’s something fishy about that place.
+What do you call a sheep who can sing and dance? Lady Ba Ba.
+What do you call a French man wearing sandals? Philipe Fallop.
+Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Because they're extinct.
+I gave my handyman a to-do list, but he only did jobs 1, 3, and 5. Turns out he only does odd jobs.
+Why should you never take sides in an argument at the dinner table? Trick question. It's the perfect time to take sides because no one's paying attention. Bring Tupperware.
+Who won the neck-decorating contest? It was a tie.
+Where do rainbows go when they've been bad? To prism, so they have time to reflect on what they've done.
+Dogs can't operate MRI machines. But catscan.
+I'm so upset—my barber said he can't cut my hair any longer. He can only cut it shorter.
+What do mermaids use to wash their fins? Tide.
+What did the skillet eat on its birthday? Pan-cakes.
+Why couldn't the produce manager make it to work? He could drive, but he didn't avocado.
+I went to a silent auction. I won a dog whistle and two mimes.
+How is my wallet like an onion? Every time I open it, I cry.
+What do you call a dog who meditates? Aware wolf.
+What kind of fish do penguins catch at night? Star fish.
+Which vegetable has the best kung fu? Broc-lee.
+Can a frog jump higher than a house? Of course—a house can't jump.
+I was going to try an all-almond diet, but that's just nuts.
+I was going to tell a joke about the layoffs, but sadly none of them work.
+What's the hardest tea to swallow? Reality.
+Why did the employee at the calendar company get fired? He took a day off.
+I was raised as an only child. It drove my sister nuts.
+Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
+You don't need a parachute to go sky-diving. You only need one to go sky-diving twice.
+It's not easy being a mom. Otherwise, dads would do it.
+My dog just ate a $100 bill. I guess he has expensive taste.
+The guy who stole my diary went missing. My thoughts are with his family.
+What did the cow say to the leather chair? "Hi, Mom!"
+I'd love to have kids one day—but only as long as I can handle them.
+Hard work pays off later. Laziness pays off now.
+My résumé is a list of things I hope I never have to do again.
+Why did the social-media manager break up with her boyfriend? Lack of engagement.
+My wife always complains that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and right.
+I threw a boomerang months ago. Now I live in constant fear.
+"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" usually mean the same thing… but not at a funeral.
+I haven't spoken to my wife in years—I thought it would be rude to interrupt her.
+A woman passed out on the merry-go-round. She's coming around.
+There was a break-in at the wig factory. Police are combing the area.
+I once submitted 10 puns to a competition. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
+Why did the old man fall down the well? He couldn’t see that well.
+I tried to make up a joke about ghosts but couldn’t. It had plenty of spirit but no body.
+Dad: "What’s the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue?" Me: "I don’t know." Dad: "You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna." Me: "What about the pot of glue?" Dad: "I knew you'd get stuck on that."
+Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asked, "Got a favorite song?" The other replied, "All my life I’ve been a heavy-metal fan."
+Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance… so I pushed her over.
+I got an A on my origami assignment when I turned my paper into my teacher.
+How many stormtroopers does it take to change a light bulb? None—they’re all on the dark side.
+If your house is cold, just stand in the corner. It’s always 90 degrees there.
+Hi, I'm Cliff. Drop over sometime.
+Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor for a headache? The doc pulled $1,999 from his ear and said, "No wonder you’re not feeling two grand!"
+Dad, when he puts the car in reverse: "Ah, this takes me back."
+What do you call the security guards for Samsung? Guardians of the galaxy.
+I was making a joke about retirement. It did not work.
+The other day I bought a thesaurus but every page was blank—I have no word to describe how angry I am.
+The tuxedo-store owner kept hovering, so I said, "Suit yourself."
+Why did the egg have a day off? Because it was Fry-day.
+Have you ever heard about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay—he woke up.
+I found a book called "How to Solve 50 % of Your Problems," so I bought two.
+Why did the coffee taste like dirt? Because it was ground a few minutes ago.
+Why did the Rolling Stones stop making music? They got to the bottom of the hill.
+What’s the best present? Broken drums—you just can’t beat them.
+I made a song about tortilla once; now it’s more like a wrap.
+Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They’re making headlines.
+What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.
+Heard about the fragile myth? It was busted.
+What word can you make shorter by adding two letters? Short.
+What do you call a criminal landing an airplane? Con-descending.
+I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went… then it dawned on me.
+Why do people in Greece hate waking up at dawn? Dawn is tough on Greece.
+How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
+Justice is a dish best served cold—otherwise it’s just water.
+Never throw Grandpa’s false teeth at a vehicle—you might denture car.
+Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting? They always drop their needles.
+Lunch box to fridge: "Don’t hate me because I’m a little cooler."
+Want a space party? Planet.
+Why couldn’t the tree log on? No login.
+What’s a skeleton’s favorite road? A dead end.
+What did the grape say when stepped on? Nothing—just a little wine.
+Alien to landscaper: "Take me to your weeder."
+Me: "I want to write when I grow up." Dad: "Why don’t you left instead?"
+How many apples grow on apple trees? All of them.
+Elvis to his landscaper: "Thank you—thank you for the mulch!"
+Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out.
+Mother broom to baby broom: "Time to go to sweep."
+Circus clowns jumped me, but I went for the juggler.
+Shout-out to sidewalks for keeping me off the streets.
+Why did the computer go to the doctor? It had a virus.
+How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three—the left, right, and final front-ear.
+Heard about the famous pickle? He’s a big dill.
+I tried to buy a lighter on Amazon—only 3,472 matches.
+Need a highway in an art studio? Use a mile marker.
+How does Vin Diesel keep in touch? Zoom calls.
+What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
+How much does a chimney cost? Nothing—it’s on the house.
+Why do only some couples go to the gym? Some relationships don’t work out.
+How do you make 7 even? Take away the S.
+Why is sausage bad for you? It brings out the Wurst in people.
+Broken clock? A waste of time.
+Why did the teddy bear decline cake? He was stuffed.
+Astronaut’s favorite board game? Moon-opoly.
+How do you make Bud wiser? Send him to school.
+Santa’s favorite state? Ida-Ho-Ho-Ho.
+Seen traffic circles? Pointless.
+Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? The P is silent.
+What’s a dog’s favorite superhero? Labra-Thor.
+Heard a swimmer yelling for help—shark circling. I laughed; that shark wasn’t helping.
+What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
+Chicken staring at salad: "Chicken sees a salad."
+Cow with no legs? Ground beef.
+Riding a carousel—horse, giraffe, lion. Get off the ride.
+I have a horse named Mayo—and Mayo neighs.
+Which family owns the zebra? None in our neighborhood.
+Cutest sea creature? A cuddle-fish.
+Elephant in a phone booth? Stuck.
+Man with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. Bartender: "Does it talk?" Parrot: "I don't know."
+Parrot + caterpillar = a walkie-talkie.
+Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
+Deer with no eyes? No-eye deer.
+Fish with no eyes? Fshhh.
+Pony at a noisy bar: "Sorry! I’m a little horse!"
+Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the possum it could be done.
+Why aren’t dogs allowed in bars? They can’t control their licker.
+Why was the baseball player fired? He ran three bases then walked home.
+Why don’t fish play basketball? They’re scared of the net.
+Why take extra socks to golf? In case you get a hole in one.
+Sprinter’s pre-race meal? Nothing—they fast.
+Dad’s boxing joke? I missed the punch line.
+I don’t play soccer for fun—I do it for kicks.
+Where do basketball players get uniforms? New Jersey.
+Why no glasses in football? It’s a contact sport.
+Best animal in soccer? A score-pion.
+Quarterback vs. baby: one snaps, one naps.
+I was addicted to basketball, but I rebounded.
+Why can’t pigs play soccer? They hog the ball.
+Don’t play tennis in the jungle—too many cheetahs.
+Sports fan vs. angry chicken? A foul mouth.
+Why couldn’t the baby score? He was always dribbling.
+I'm afraid for the calendar—its days are numbered.
+My wife said lunges would help. That’s a big step forward.
+Singing in the shower is fun—until it’s a soap opera.
+Tick + Eiffel Tower = Paris sites.
+Bow-tied fish? So-fish-ticated.
+Follow Will Smith in snow? Look for fresh prints.
+April showers/May flowers—what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
+Clothes shrinking? Nope, refrigerator makes them smaller.
+Dry skin at work? No elbow grease.
+Factory making okay products? A satisfactory.
+Dear Math, solve your own problems.
+Janitor jumping out of closet: "Supplies!"
+Chocolate record player? Sounds sweet.
+Ocean to beach? It just waved.
+Why seagulls over the ocean? If over the bay they’re bagels.
+I only know 25 letters; I don’t know y.
+Moon haircuts? Eclipse it.
+One wall to the other: "See you at the corner."
+Zero to eight: "Nice belt!"
+Skeleton walks into a bar: "One beer and a mop."
+Vacation spot for fruit? Pear-is.
+Asked my dog 2-2—he said nothing.
+Baby Corn to Mama Corn: "Where’s Pop Corn?"
+Best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag’s a plus.
+Where to learn banana splits? Sundae school.
+More letters than the alphabet? The post office.
+Dad, haircut? No, got them all cut.
+Poor Santa? St. Nickel-less.
+Cashier ignored my Blockbuster card—no ID needed.
+Sick boats go to the boat-doc.
+Don’t trust trees—they’re shady.
+No sense of direction—so I packed and right.
+Get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.
+Egg jokes? They’d crack each other up.
+Don’t trust stairs—they’re up to something.
+No body, no nose? Nobody knows.
+Rumor about butter? Not spreading it.
+Bicycle couldn’t stand—two-tired.
+One hat to the other: "Stay. I’m going ahead."
+Billy got fired from banana factory—kept tossing bent ones.
+Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, they won’t fit me.
+Nose can’t be 12"—then it’s a foot.
+Lemon on the phone? "Yellow!"
+Crowded graveyard—people dying to get in.
+Egg’s car? A yolkswagen.
+Put the cat out? I didn’t know it was on fire.
+Taco grace? Lettuce pray.
+Dentist appointment? Tooth-hurty.
+Skeleton didn’t climb—no guts.
+Snowman tantrum? A meltdown.
+Octopus laughs with ten-tickles.
+Chemistry joke? No reaction.
+45-cent concert? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
+Bee’s hairbrush? A honeycomb.
+Make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
+Sad math book—all its problems.
+Cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
+Ninja shoes? Sneakers.
+Penguin house? Igloos it together.
+Harry Potter down the hill? Walking. JK—Rowling.
+I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
+Guy walks into a bar—disqualified from limbo.
+Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.
+Two vegans arguing—still a beef?
+Ordered a chicken and an egg—still waiting.
+Box for leftovers? I’ll wrestle you for them.
+Car’s muffler is exhausted.
+Shout out to my fingers—I can count on them.
+Kid resists nap—guilty of resisting a rest.
+Fastest-growing capital? Dublin.
+Dreamed of orange-soda ocean—a Fanta sea.
+Cheeseburger walks into a bar—no food served.
+Fired from juice company—couldn’t concentrate.
+Played piano by ear—now use hands.
+Tried catching fog—mist.
+Seafood diet—I see food, I eat it.
+Scarecrow won—outstanding in his field.
+Pencil with two erasers? Pointless.
+Make a Kleenex dance—boogie.
+Reading anti-gravity book—can’t put it down.
+Inventor of knock-knock joke won no-bell prize.
+Great construction joke—still working on it.
+Hated facial hair—then it grew on me.
+Sold my vacuum—it was just gathering dust.
+Neck brace fitted years ago—never looked back.
+People pick their nose; I was born with mine.
+Brown and sticky? A stick.
+Psychiatrist in the bathroom—P is silent.
+Elephant that doesn’t matter? Irrelephant.
+Pampered cow gives spoiled milk.
+I like telling dad jokes—sometimes he laughs.
+Best-smelling insect? A deodor-ant.
+Personal trainer quit—gave my two-week notice.
+Fell in love during a backflip—heels over head.
+Kid refuses nap—resisting a rest.
+Ordered chicken and egg online—will let you know.
+Takes guts to be an organ donor.
+Crime at Apple Store? iWitness.
+Good at sleeping—do it with my eyes closed.
+Time-travel joke? You didn’t like it.
+Vet to cat: "How are you feline?"
+Lazy baby kangaroo? A pouch potato.
+M&Ms arguing? An M-passe.
+Fake noodle? Impasta.
+Belt of watches? A waist of time.
+Run-over strawberry? Traffic jam.
+Two monkeys sharing Amazon account? Prime mates.
+Pony with sore throat? A little hoarse.
+Where do math teachers vacation? Times Square.
+Chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.
+Garlic gets hot—takes its cloves off.
+Robot’s favorite snack? Computer chips.
+Santa’s sleigh parking? It’s on the house.
+Mountains are hill-areas.
+Clouds wear thunderwear.
+Piggy banks are wise—full of common cents.
+Peter Pan always flying—he Neverlands.
+Cheap sled? You have toboggan.
+Dogwood tree—know by its bark.
+Hated facial hair—but then it grew on me.
+Not a dad joke? Faux pa.
+Hot dog on wheels? Fast food.
+Young trees learn at elementree school.
+Circus fire? It was in tents.
+Can February March? No, but April May.
+Lawyers say goodbye—“We’ll be suing ya.”
+Paper joke? Tearable.
+Watch fly-fishing? Live stream.
+Spring is here—I wet my plants.
+Pizza joke—too cheesy.
+Don’t trust atoms—they make up everything.
+When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
+Velcro purchase? Total rip-off.
+Astronaut’s favorite PC part? The space bar.
+Elevator jokes work on many levels.
+Bees have sticky hair—they use a honeycomb.
+State with most streets? Rhode Island.
+Coffee reported a mugging.
+Fish hits a wall—dam.
+Pool safe for diving? It deep ends.
+Crime at Apple Store? iWitness.