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I wonder how long "anymore" will be for your boyfriend.Since you both are planning a long life together, instead of his custom of ending relationships when he feels bored with the sex, he will be facing the situation of being in a relationship and not having sex with his partner to whom he is committed.What are your own views on the meaning of sex in a relationship?Knowing this will help you be better able to collaborate with your boyfriend on finding ways of balancing what you each would like.


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My partner and I have had an amazing relationship and connection for over two years. We're very committed to each other and are planning a very long life together. However, he recently was very open and honest that he isn't interested in having sex with me anymore. He says this has happened in every past relationships and has ended it as a result. He knows it's because it's the "same person" feeling, but how can he get over this?


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That sounds really challenging for both of you. Differences in sexual desire between partners is common and can create real friction and conflict. I would encourage you to do some couples counselling or sex therapy as often these issues can be worked through and low sexual desire can result from relational fears and misunderstandings or sex that isn't as arousing as is possible. There are some good videos on this resource page about sexuality and intimacy and a video that specifically addresses desire differences in relationships.


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My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt "ehh" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. We’re married and we have a baby on the way.


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Congrats on your upcoming baby!Its possible that the pregnancy is diminishing your wife's sex drive.From everything you describe about your wife, she sounds to not yet have become comfortable with having a wish for sex.The other side of the sex equation is you and your relative ease with having sex and whether it is for physical release or as an expression of love, some of each.Since you talk with each other honestly then start with a dialogue about what you each would like from sex with each other, from perspective of giving and receiving sex.  Hopefully this will open up some new light on your respective feelings.Really, there is a lot to navigate in a conversation about physical and emotional intimacy.  If these are not the types of discussions the two of you are used to having, a couples therapist is a good idea so you both become familiar and learn how to more easily articulate some of your respective deep feelings.


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I suggest seeking the support of an AASECT certified sex therapist to help work through much of the issues you address, you simply may need some really qualified support. Also, you might be interested in watching Esther Perel's ted talk on the secret to desire in a long term relationship, and/or you might want to sign up for my own 8-part-series on Reconnecting Parent Couples


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Have you guys ruled out medical disorders. There is new data that post part depression starts in the pregnancy before baby is delivered. There maybe those factors .Please check out those arenas, firstly. Then consider marital therapy services. Relationship changes with the time passing and with the time and care deposits of investment onto the relationship bank account.  Thanks for this opportunity to answer some of ya.alls. relationship intimacy concerns.


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Hi Seattle,While it's normal in many relationships for there to be a difference in sex drives, I believe that your wife has a major barrier to having a healthy sexual relationship. I'd be curious about what it was like at the beginning for you both, but these things can change. Sometimes people with sexual barriers are very active for a period when they're young because they're trying to prove something or overcome a fear. Right now, you can both accept that there is a barrier and it's hers and she can explore that in a safe relationship with a therapist and perhaps a doctor. It's possible she's asexual (not interested in sexual activity but very interested in love), or that a trauma has affected her. It's for her to explore. Tell yourself that it's not your fault, stop expecting it to change, and encourage her to seek treatment with someone who specializes in sexual issues. Good luck.


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If you will "never be together" and in order to maintain this affair you need to deceive both of your spouses it seems unlikely that maintaining the affair will bring anything but heartbreak for everyone involved. There is obviously something that you are getting from this that you are not getting in your marriage. Maybe this is a cue that there is work to do on your marriage to try to make it more fulfilling and if that is not possible, then maybe you want something else for your life.  If you and your husband are willing, I would encourage you to do some therapy or counselling together.  You may enjoy this article to learn a little more about some factors that lead to connection or disconnection and that predict separation and divorce.


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We got into arguments, and we would break if off but start it back up again. We clicked, or so I thought. We are both married with problems in our marriage. We never have sex; we just send a lot of pictures back and forth and talk about doing things together. His wife found out, and he lied to her and didn't even refer to it as an affair. I can't stop thinking about him. We just click. I've been married for 16 years, and I've never liked anyone other than my husband. Now I like him, and we’ll never be together.


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New York, New York...it's not your boyfriend's lying that concerns me the most; it's the lies you tell yourself. Verbal expressions are easy, but it's walking the walk that's more important in the end. When someone shows you what they're capable of, you can believe them. He's capable of being manipulative and deceitful, and he even lies as he's telling you he'll stop lying. What you're doing is called denial; when you see evidence of something but you choose not to believe the evidence. He might love you with his heart, but love, in the end, is a verb and is based on respectful, loving behaviours. My wish is that you start by believing in what you deserve.


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My boyfriend of five months expresses how much he cares for me and loves me, and I believe it. It has been one of the best relationships I have been in for a short period of time, but he has lied to me so much. He’ll tell me that he'll stop lying, and while he’s saying that, he's hiding something or lying about something. First, it was about a girl. He hid text messages and claimed she was a friend and it was a friendly conversation when it was a girl he once found interest in. Next was his ex-girlfriend. He put a fake contact name, and it was just friendly, but he lied to my face. All the time, he claims he never cheated and still expresses his love the same way and that he wants to change and do better.


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Hi Dallas, While I think it's healthy for both members of a couple to have things that they need from each other and to talk about that, your situation sounds one-sided and rigid. Will you have a list too? There are elements of control here: humiliating you in front of coworkers, saying you have to sign the contract before you can move forward...does he decide when you move in and out? Your passive aggressive communications with the other man and your difficulty in knowing what direction you want also hint that maybe you don't have a voice in this relationship. Do you have a voice? If you are uncomfortable with the contract, are you listening to your own voice? If you can't hear your own voice, maybe it's time to sit down with a therapist and strengthen yourself so you can at least know what you feel and want.No relationship is all good or all bad (wouldn't that make it easy?) Relationships don't come with billboards that tell us what to do. They don't come with crystal balls that tell us what will happen (except that past behaviour is a good predictor). You have everything you need in order to make the best decision for you right now, except clarity, and his control may be what is making things muddy for you. You're too busy blaming yourself to see the situation clearly. A therapist can help you stop blaming yourself and see what your situation is.


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I was texting a guy who wasn't my boyfriend, and my boyfriend found out. We work together, so he went to work and told everyone I was cheating on him. I moved out of the house. There have been previous problems, and I feel like I'm usually the issue here. In order for us to move on, he wants me to sign this contract that he wrote out listing things he doesn't want me to do anymore. I'm wondering if this a healthy relationship to save or if I should walk away.


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Your sense of hurt is very understandable.Do you and your boyfriend have an agreement on looking through each other's phones?I ask because the overall problem sounds like lack of trust and that there may be a difference in what each of you wants and expects from your relationship.Probably if the two of you talk about these topics and you each become clear as to the commitment status of each of you to the other, you'll have more clarity as to what either of you would like from the other.With this new level of clarity, his  past relationship involvements will likely be less meaningful .Once you have clear definition of the two of you as a couple, who he was as a past partner to someone else, will matter very little.


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About a month ago, I went through my boyfriend’s phone and found him messaging his ex-girlfriend that he was dating before me. He gave her a promise ring when they were together, and he still had it hiding in his memory box in our son’s room. I found many things on his phone, but that broke my heart the most. He deleted all the messages but two. I can't help thinking they were talking about the old times together or something like that. It really kills me, and I can't stop thinking about it.


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Do you both want to fix the marriage?The relationship belongs to both of you so that one working without the other cooperating in this work too, will have one person who does all the changing.This dynamic itself creates problems of its own.About your husband telling you he feels pushed out, did he do anything on his own to address his problem of feeling like this?All you state is that he blames you for creating a situation he didn't like.If he did nothing because he felt unsure what to do, anything which shows he understands he has as vital a part in the marriage as you, is ok.Because affairs create mistrust between two people, the two of you would also need to be very aware to regain each other's trust.Talking as much as possible so you both know what goes on in the life of the other, how you each are feeling, what matters to you, is helpful to grow a new foundation for your marriage's future.


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I have been married for 20 years. He and I both cheated. I hid my cheating for 14 years. Over that time, I let life stress me out. I became depressed. When I finally woke up, he felt I had pushed him out.


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Sorry for you and sorry for the cat because you're each in a tense position.What was the context of your boyfriend adopting a cat since he was aware that this would likely cause problems in the relationship with you?If you don't already know his answer, then find out.  Doing so will tell you a lot about your boyfriend's expectations about you.  Does he expect you to accept without question, whatever he does?  Does he care about your views?  Does a cat have some deep meaning for him that having one is essential to his life and he never told you so?Please don't be mean to the cat.  Its not the cat's fault for being in your boyfriend's care.There are plenty of other cats on this earth so throwing out the cat will not solve anything between you and your boyfriend.Who knows, your boyfriend may come back home with three more cats!Start with a conversation about your feelings and his interest in your feelings.


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My boyfriend recently got a kitty. I hate cats in general, and he knows it. It grosses me out and makes me very upset when he pets his cat. I want to throw out the cat. I feel very jealous.


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Hi Portland,This must feel like your world is turned upside down, for your wife to declare her confusion, followed closely by resignation, followed closely by a new "friend". I get how upsetting this is.If I was your therapist, I'd want to explore this a good deal, because there are several possibilities concerning what might be happening. Be careful not to jump to conclusions. Sometimes people have been slowly "falling out of love" for a long time, and often this is due to some (perhaps unnamed) unmet need in the marriage. She may have been coming to this point over a period of time, and has only finally said so. It's also possible that your wife is going through some temporary crisis...she's changing and personally unhappy and blaming the marriage for it. Only she can help herself through this (she could get the help of a therapist, but it's not your place to tell her to do this). Or, it's possible she's met this new "friend" and her attachment to him has clouded her view, or clarified something for her.  Right now, it's important that you respect your wife's decision to separate, if she's asking for that. We can't trap people in a marriage. If she needs separation, or distance, then it's respectful to give her that.That doesn't mean that you have to give up on the marriage right now. I would seek the support of a therapist who can help you sort out what YOU want; whether it's to move on with your life, or wait patiently for a period of time. I can't predict what will happen here. But you can find out what the best path for you is. I wish you the best.


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Over the course of a few days, my wife was unsure about her feelings for me due to constant intimacy issues. After she thought things through, she came to the realization that she is no longer "in love" or attracted romantically to me. She instead has more of a platonic love and just cares for me as just "family." At that point, she said our marriage was over. Now over the course of the last few days, she has taken a "friendship" from a coworker. She insists there is nothing more than friends, but she has spent all her free time with him.


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A lot of times any and each of us creates what we need for ourselves by seeing other people as creating these circumstances and situations.Is it possible that at this time period in your life, being alone is positive for sorting through your true values or sorting through key situations in your life?If "yes", then possibly you are giving yourself some alone time, even though to some degree being alone is not your first choice.At the very least, since you aren't happy with being the one who texts others, then some alone time may encourage new thoughts and ideas creating more open space within you to attract other people who do enjoy texting you first.Also, most relationships are not forever.  Is it possible you are at a phase when some relationships are simply closing down so that you have clear space within your life for new and different activity?


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I have no idea what happened. I go places and do things but still feel lonely. I honestly have no friends, and I am always the one texting people and bothering people. I feel invisible, like someone that no one wants to be around.


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Although I am not entirely sure why you might be struggling in this area, an initial question I have is do you want to be sexually active at this time or is this something that you feel pressured into doing.?  If you feel pressured into being sexually active by your friends or boyfriend it is understandable that you want it to be over.  I would encourage you to ask your boyfriend to be patient with you at this time  until you figure out what is going on.  I encourage you to then think very deeply about what your reservations, if any,  about being sexually active.  Do you fear pregnancy?  Are there problems in the relationship?  Are you afraid of the emotional intimacy? Another question that comes to mind is whether or not you have any history of sexual activity that you did not consent to that might be getting in the way.   When these types of traumatic events occur,  people can essentially become triggered negatively by anything that reminds them of past trauma.  Such events can cause an aversion to sex even if there is now a loving relationship whom one wants to be sexually active with.  If this is the case I strongly recommend individual therapy to begin working through some of these issues. A final area that you might explore would be whether or not you are experiencing pain with penetration.  If so, I would recommend that you schedule an appointment with a gynecologist to rule out any type of medical issues that might be causing these problems.  Although pain can also be associated with emotional issues, it is always good to rule out possible physical causes.  I hope that these ideas help to point you in the right direction.  Take care.


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I love my boyfriend and everything that leads to sex, but when it comes to the actual penetration, I hate it. I don't know why, but I just want it to be over. I feel like crying. I don't know why I don’t like it because all of my friends enjoy it.


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Does your boyfriend notice that you hate sex?If "yes", then it is a topic which the two of you would gain deeper understanding of each other, by discussing.If "no", then possibly one reason for hating sex is that your boyfriend doesn't notice who you are as a person, not simply a physical body engaged in sex.


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Hello. Being unable to trust your significant other certainly can cause one to feel unsettled. Has your spouse ever done anything questionable that would cause you to not trust her? If so, then it will take time and some work to gain the trust back. Couple's counseling would be of benefit. If not, then you may want to consider seeing a therapist on your own in order to better learn where your insecurities come from. There are several possible reasons why you may be feeling insecure but without knowing them, the issue is not likely to get resolved. In the meantime, I suggest that when you're feeling upset and are unable to trust what your wife says/does, think before you speak. Ask yourself if you have valid reasons to not trust her. Instead of arguing, try and communicate how you're feeling and let her know that resolving this trust issue will be a top priority for you so that you can focus on other aspects of your relationship. Hope it all works out for you both!


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I didn't trust my wife when I found out that she had a new guy friend that she was texting and calling. I investigated him before I found out that he was gay and that there was nothing going on. Now all my wife and I do is fight about trust.


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Instead of fighting about trust, is it possible for you and your wife to talk with other about areas which upset each of you?Whenever feelings are hurt, knowing what exactly is problematic and being heard and understood by the partner, goes a long way to building trust.These type of discussions are hard to have, and especially for the first time.  A lot of emotions arise and often people lose their conversation focus from this.If you and your wife have a tough time opening up to each other, consider scheduling time with a couples therapist.Just by each of you committing time to invest in the relationship will show faith in the relationship, and this may contribute to restoring trust.


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Hi Calgary (Canada!),  Let me get this straight...you're in a 'relationship', but he might be married. You both cheat and lie and he's abusive. The short answer is that there is too much wrong here for this therapist to try and fix it. Relationships don't heal us and they don't help us grow up. We have to be mature and stable enough to love someone before it's going to work. I'd recommend you focus on yourself alone for a while. You have a lot to sort out. I wish you the best.


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I've been in a relationship for over a year. He's cheated and lied. I heard he's married, but he says he's not. Everything is very up and down; there's no trust. Recently, he went on a trip, and I promised him I'd behave and not drink because when I drink, I drink too much, and I tend to make poor choices. This time, I made a huge mistake: I drank too much, and I cheated on him. I slept with another man for about five minutes before realizing what I was doing is wrong. I told him and he just got really rude. He called me names and threatened me. I feel bad as I do love him. We just have so many issues. I'm not a bad person, I've just made a lot of bad mistakes. It’s unintentional, and I know right from wrong, but why do I still make the wrong choice?


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Hi Hampton,Although I'd bet your wife also wants the attention and companionship, it seems that there are a few barriers in your sexual relationship right now. I also would bet that there are things that your wife would like from you. This is a very common issue; two people with different sexual drives or needs. If you both want the relationship to improve, a couple's therapist who works in sexuality is a great idea; it's a complex picture that you've only given us a glimpse of.In the meantime, you can try a few things: have compassion for your wife. She's in pain and this may preoccupy her. Sex may be uncomfortable for her. She needs understanding. You need understanding too, right?  Help her to see that you're not just angry, but lonely and hurt; it might affect how you see yourself as a man. Showing her irritability or anger might push her farther away.There are many ways to be close, intimate, and sexual that don't involve intercourse. You might want to explore some of these things and reassure her that you won't pressure her to have intercourse. Find out what your wife's wishes and ideas are. You might be surprised.These things take time to address, especially if they've been years in the making. I do recommend seeing that therapist. Relationships are very complex and it takes time to explore all the layers and barriers to change. Best of luck.


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Hi Jayuya, I'm struggling in this moment with my own biases. I have biases that are about respect and every individual's need for and right to respect. Your husband lies, cheats and physically hurts you. He makes excuses and blames you for these behaviours and trains you to do the same. He demonstrates many controlling and abusive behaviours. And now, in an attempt to manipulate and silence you, he wants to have his cake and eat it too and suggests you should share him? There aren't many crumbs of this cake left for you, are there?So, my biases about respect don't make me want to rescue you or tell you what to do; I can't do that, and I don't think either of those things will help you. I'd like to ask you some questions though...Are you happy? Do you know what happy is? Do you know what respect is? Are your children safe? Are your children witnessing violence (because if they are, then they're not safe)? Do you have supports? Do your family and friends know what's happening in your life? Have you ever been to a women's shelter? Are you willing to sit down in an office with a professional who can help you think clearly? That's what I suggest. These are big decisions, you deserve some support. I wish you the best.


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I've been with my husband for eight years now. We have split twice before, and the first time was because he cheated. I took him back months later, and he really tried making it up to me by making a lot of changes. However, we continued to have issues because of my lack of trust. My insecurities and trust issues lead to physical abuse, which lead to us separating again. During that separation, he consoled himself by talking to the same girl he cheated on me with. But we then ended up back together and worked it out for a while until I got pregnant with our second child.
   The baby was a few months old, and he confessed to me about his secret relationship with her. He told me how he could never stop talking to her and how, during our issues, she has been and is the only women he's gone behind my back with (but on a friendship level because she's miles away). He confessed how he fought feelings for her and feels like he's possibly in love with her too. He said he feels like he's in love with the both of us now because this women has fallen for him, and she hasn't been able to leave him alone since. Even though she knows that he's still with me and happy with our family, she can’t help it, and he confessed how his feeling for her are mutual. Being that he loves me too, he wanted to be with the both of us at the same time. He wanted to have affairs with her behind my back by flying her out and staying at a hotels, but he didn't want me to find out, so he told me everything. He said he didn't want to continue to lie to me and so I can finally stop accusing him of being with other women when it's only been this one girl the whole time. He feels like my insecurities and trust issues are what pushed him closer towards her, and that no matter what he did to do right, I would still accuse him. He's caught up in his feelings and pretty much says that he wants her but doesn't want me to leave him because I'm the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life.
   I'm of course hurt and in shock. I feel like I have to make a decision on whether I want to allow it and deal with having to share him or walk away. Both of these decisions are really hard to make because I feel like whether I stay or go, my heart will still be torn apart. I have to make a decision quick because she will be flying out sooner than I thought.


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Hi Louisiana,You say that the problems are with your "past", but my hunch is the problems are about his insecurity and his personal barriers to trust (unless you've recently revealed details of a sordid past?). You don't mention ever having hurt the trust in the relationship.Trust is the first stage in a relationship. Moving forward before they develop trust is a common mistake couples make, and now you two have involved children in a relationship that's missing a crucial element. But you didn't see this coming, did you? That's because only as we become emotionally intimate do our deeper fears and insecurities come to the surface. I give you credit for wanting it to work, and I believe you would benefit from the support of a therapist in working through the kinks related to trust. Good luck!


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I just got married with my husband. I have four kids of my own, and he accepts me with my kids. I am thankful he loves my kids even though they’re not his. Now we are having problems in our relationship because of my past. I know all marriages have problems, but sometimes I feel it’s not going to work out if there’s no trust. It’s hard for me to let go because I love him, but I am getting tired.


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Are you talking with your boyfriend about his doctor advises on starting to have sex again?Being able to talk together about topics that involve both of you, will establish a new type of intimacy on an emotional level.Also, there are many ways of making love.  If your bf's cyst hasn't yet healed, then another way of both increasing your emotional intimacy and learning different love making suggestions, is to read about these together with him.I hope the two of you enjoy learning new ways of sexually taking care of one another, while developing more emotional closeness in the process.


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My boyfriend and I have not had sex in a couple of weeks. He had to have a cyst removed on his testicles. I have been wanting to have sex with him for a while now, and it drives me crazy not to be able to make love to him. I'm scared to touch him and get close to him because I'm afraid that I will hurt him.


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Hi Greenville, I respect that you're owning your own overreactions, and that you want to give your boyfriend the respect he deserves. The truth is that some people cheat, and some don't, and our partners deserve the benefit of the doubt unless they show signs they can't be trusted.The answer here is in two different areas. Basically, if you want to feel differently (more trusting, in your case), you look at your thoughts, and your behaviours.Your thoughts are stuck... like tires in deep ruts in the road. These thoughts are only habits, they don't reflect the truth. Fear is probably whispering in your ear things like "everyone cheats", or " you're not enough for him". Once you figure out what fear is trying to tell you, picture those words in red next time they come up. Ask yourself what the evidence is that supports that thought (there won't be much...perhaps none), and what is the evidence that doesn't support it (I know lots of good men, I know I deserve love and loyalty, there is no sign of infidelity...). You're learning to refute the thoughts that are connected to the fear. That's the first half. Practise these thoughts.The rest of the work is in your behaviours. Act as though you trust him. Force yourself to not check or interrogate, and the less you check, the less obsessive and untrusting you will feel. Acting "as if" something if true strangely helps us believe it.It's possible to change the way we think, and this is turn changes the way we feel. Try this to start, and see a therapist for support and cognitive behavioural therapy if you want to dive more deeply into why this is happening and how to stop it. Good luck!


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My dad cheated on my mom for 13 years. I cannot stop obsessing over the fact that my boyfriend might be cheating on me even when I know he isn't. I have full access to his phone, social media, and e-mails. I never find anything, but I'm obsessed with constantly checking just in case. How do I stop this? It's driving a wedge between us.


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Hi Ohio, The crazy things about situations like this is that, almost guaranteed, while your husband is out working and away from home, he feels he's doing it all for you and the kids; he believes he's loving you. He might feel like he's carrying his family on his shoulders. Your 'love language' is different...you'd rather spend time with him or talk to him...you want to feel like he's a bigger part of the family and feel connected to him. I absolutely understand that, and I support you asking for that.He might very well miss that feeling of connectedness too, but he's likely also feeling the weight of financial responsibility. A lot of men (and women) don't talk about this but they feel it. Sometimes they feel like they can't win either way; there's pressure to earn and pressure to be home. He has needs too; he probably wants more appreciation and less blame. I urge you to talk to him about how you feel, find out how he's feeling, and use a professional to assist you if your communication styles aren't great. Right now you WANT to spend time with him and that tells me that you have a good chance of addressing this problem successfully.


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My husband always works. He does work from home, but his hours are from morning until night, and he neglects his family. If I have anything I want to do, I have to find a babysitter, but he does what he wants. He rarely comes to bed when I do, and we never have date nights.


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I'm glad you're aware to expect more satisfaction from being part of a couple, than you currently describe yourself as having.Are you and your husband able to talk about any or all of what you've written here?His answers would be a starting point for knowing how he understands his share of your relationship and whether and how he would like making any changes.If the two of you feel too much tension in the relationship to bring up any of the topics you write about here, then ask yourself the reason for this.Very commonly, people are afraid to ask questions of their partner, even when feeling unhappy and that they'd like changes to the relationship.Often, people are fearful of harsh criticism by the partner and worry that by simply stating the reasons for feeling unhappy, will mean hearing judgments against them, spoken by the partner.It is always a good idea to utilize the services of a professional, credentialed and licensed therapist, if after trying to start a conversation on the topics you bring up here, does not go well or very far.For all of us, the emotions in our intimate relationships are deep and powerful.  They are not easy to handle, especially under tension and frustration.Sending lots of good wishes for future happiness!


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The thoughts you are having are just thoughts.  Not actions.  It is your choice whether you act on these thoughts.  If you decide to explore having sex with adults of different genders that is great.  If you find yourself obsessed with sexual thoughts, you may want to see a cognitive-behavioural therapist.  Take care.


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When a doc blows you off it may be a signal that it is time to find a new one! ED can often be caused by health issues. If all physical possibilities are ruled out then it's time to look within and enlist the help of a sex therapist. Here's a good article for you to start with.


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I'm a 40 year old male and having erection problems. Still have the desire for a woman. Awfully frustrated. Any suggestions? My Doc doesn't want to discuss it.


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Hi there, first off I have to commend you for reaching out. It takes a lot for a man to reach out for help when it comes to erection problems. Believe it or not, this problem is very common for men and women. There are some things that you can try naturally, before resulting in medication, such as your eating habits and exercise. I would suggest taking a look at what you are consuming throughout the day. Do you consume a healthy diet and do you exercise regularly? How much caffeine and sugar do you intake daily? These are just a few common things to look at. You would be surprised of how much pressure what we consume puts on our bodies. Our bodies are like a car. You have to maintenance it, in order for it to continue to run. If you would like to get further natural advice and/or suggestions on eating healthy and exercising, I would recommend you see a nutritionist. A nutritionist specializes in maintaining a healthy diet. As far as your Doctor, I would recommend looking into getting another Doctor. I have never heard of a medical professional not wanting to talk about anything. That appears to be a personal issue on their part. I hope I was helpful and I wish you the best of luck!


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You are newly married, you Have a hectic schedule, your wife is on anti anxiety medication. What if you take the focus (hint: pressure) off of her orgasms and focus instead on connecting with one another. You know, like the gestures you each likely made while dating.  It turns out that these little moments of connection throughout our days are actually foreplay. Spend a few weeks making a real effort to focus on building up your little daily moments of connection, I wrote a post about this a while back, you can find it here: http://connectfulness.com/little-moments/ And have fun with it!


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My wife and I are newly married, about 2 months. We've had some issues surrounding sex, particularly her lack of libido. She's on an anxiety medication, of which diminished libido is a side effect, but I think our issue is also partly one of a lack of intimacy/romance centered around my hectic schedule. Our sex life has suffered as a result. Tonight she made a genuine effort to let me know she wanted sex, which is a big deal. Once things started, she had the most obviously fake orgasm I've ever encountered. I was honest with her about why, and told her that the most important thing to me in sex was knowing that she was legitimately enjoying it. She responded angrily with a complete denial of the faking. I don't know how to broach this subject and have an honest conversation. I think she will continue to lie to me about faking it which will cause our sex life to spiral further. Please help.


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To begin with, what's normal for one couple isn't going to be normal for the next, every couple has their own normal and that's important to keep in mind. Your sexual lives will ebb and flow. What I'd be more curious about is the quality rather than the quantity of the sex you are having. I'd also want you both to refocus on building up your little daily moments of connection, I wrote a post about exactly that a while back and you can find it here.


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Sustaining passion in marriage is tough stuff. It's a relatively modern dilemma you are facing with perhaps unrealistic expectations of what marriage "should" be. It sounds like your definitions of love and sexual passion have merged together, that's both common and confusing! Intimacy and sexuality within your marriage are bound to ebb and flow. Resparking your passion will involve growing. Using your sexual drama and fantasies as windows into discovering your needs (security) and wants (desires). Marriage is a people growing process; you mature into one another and to achieve fulfillment your continued development will be required.


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When having sex I think of other men and want other men all day long. Been married 3 years, together 14. What do you think?


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This is difficult to answer because you don’t tell us what the fetish is.  I do understand that this is something that is bothering you though. The first thing to ask yourself is if this is something that is illegal or not.  If this is illegal to engage in, then you need to seek counseling help immediately to control the urges.However, if your fetish is not something illegal and you just feel that it is something odd, a therapist could still help you deal with these feelings.  You may find that it is something very common and not something to be ashamed of.  You may find other people have the same interest as you.  Find a therapist that you can trust and tell them.  Don’t hold back with your therapist.  Trust me, they have heard and seen it all by now, and they can help you either stop the behavior that is causing you distress, or help you come to terms with accepting the behavior as part of who you are.  There is no need to suffer with this alone.


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I am sorry to hear of your relationship struggles. One thing I wonder is did you volunteer the information about your past or is this something that he asked about? In the future, it is probably best to leave details out of conversations like this. I think it is common and natural for partners to ask about the sexual history. For one thing, it is a good idea to be checked for STD’s before entering into a sexual relationship with someone, and it is fair to share that information with each other. Partners usually want to know how many you have been with and what kind of sexual preferences you have or if there is anything you don’t like to do. This gets into a gray area for some people. I don’t necessarily want to know how many people my partner has been with and I certainly don’t want a whole lot of details. Sometimes that is an image I just don’t want in my head about my partner. Vague details are usually enough.However, I understand that your partner has the details and is not happy with your past. This is a reflection on him, not you. This shows insecurities on his part. You cannot control how he will react to information that you provide to him and you cannot control how he feels about the information. The past should remain in the past and not be held against you in the present or future. If he cannot handle your past then it is going to cloud your relationship. You can offer couples counseling to him and see if he will go with you. I have seen relationships recover from some very serious problems such as infidelity. It takes two people who both want it to work to make it work though. If your boyfriend cannot get over your past, you may have to let him go. Don’t keep yourself tied to someone who is not right for you. Constantly holding your past over your head and holding that against you is only going to bring you down and eventually you may start having insecurities or low self-esteem due to this type of treatment. I don’t see that you have done anything wrong. If you aren’t cheating on him now and you answered his questions about your past honestly, how he handles that information is on him. Ultimately, relationships have a tendency to come and go. Don’t fight to hold onto someone who is not right for you. It is okay to be single and enjoy being the best you that you can be. In time, the right person for you will enter your life.


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My boyfriend can't get over my promiscuous past. He says he loves me but says the thought of my past is disgusting and a sexual distraction. He says he should have had more sex with different people. I don't know how to handle this.


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I’m sorry to hear about your current situation. My heart goes out to you during this time.First of all, it is of vital importance that you discuss your symptoms with your doctor. Regardless of whether you are able to mend your relationship with your husband, you need to address the physical issues you are experiencing. More than likely he/she will be able to help you relieve some of these symptoms.Secondly, you must be upfront and honest with your husband. Intimacy is a large part of a relationship and it is unfair to your husband that you did not disclose how you were feeling. I think he would appreciate knowing that it was your medical problems causing the lack of sexual desire as opposed to the reason being him.If you explain to him that you are addressing your sexual issues with your doctor in order to enhance your relationship, he may be more willing to see that you are serious in wanting to mend the relationship. The conversation will be hard to explain to your doctor and your husband since it is of such a personal nature but it will be extremely beneficial. And please note that the reason for the feelings you were experiencing (or lack thereof), was not your fault.Best of luck to you and your husband!


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I have no sex drive due to medical issues. I’ve shut down completely and closed everyone out. I’ve even told my husband that I wanted a divorce since that’s what I thought he wanted to hear. However, it devastated me when I learned he's seeing someone else.
 I’ve since told him that I wanted to work things out but he’s not sure I actually mean it. He thinks the only reason I want him back is because I’m jealous. How do I show him I’m serious?


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If you connect with your therapist and can say whatever you want to say and not be judged. If you feel like things, situations, your outlook are shifting for you.


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I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it.    I need some help to deal with the loss, but I don’t think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?


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Y'know, to see a man you've loved and care for pass on must make ya' want to cry and weep a bunch, don't it?And, may I say to you that... (as I've long since said)... if you need to mourn, take about a week or so and mourn like your life depended on it.  I mean, get to weeping, gnashing, moaning, crying, solemnness, and reflection.And then, after about a week or so, reflect on the man as if he were a well-beloved traveler... sent off on a wondrous journey that will consume and encapsulate his entire awareness... and...Rather than expression vibrations of fatigue, sadness, and anger, send him the finest recollections and images you have of him, and regard him fondly...For, I think you will realize that the dead are not gone forever, but are actually extraordinarily active... and when he sees what you express out from within yourself, he experiences it himself (probably more than you know); so, why not send the very best you have out to him :)


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I am sorry for your loss. I understand the difficulty of needing help and not having financial resources. In some areas, you can dial 211 and find resources in the area that may be free of cost or low cost. In addition, often hospitals and community centers, churches, etc. have support groups. These are often free and many include grief and loss issues. Finally, there are some therapists who work on sliding scales and even sometimes offer pro bono sessions for clients. Hopefully some of these leads work out for you so that you can get the support that you need.


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Losing someone you love, someone who has been there from your very first days, is really hard.  Look for a local hospice support organization in your community - grief groups and counseling are often available through these centers.  Don't just tough it out and wait for your sadness to fade.  Your grandfather would not want that for you.  Take extra good care of yourself and get some support


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Your local hospice will have grief support groups and free community counseling available with bereavement counselors who are expects with grief and loss.


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Hello,I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your grandpa. My suggestion would be to look into community mental health agencies in your area. Sometimes they can offer low-fee counseling. You can also check the hospitals in your area because they may offer free or low-fee bereavement support groups, which can be very helpful. Lastly, you may want to look into reading some books about grief as they can help you understand the general effects of grief and feel comforted that you are not alone. Lastly, some therapists offer sliding scale, or reduced fee so it doesn't hurt to call some local therapists to see if they offer could offer a very low-fee. I hope this helps! Please take good care of yourself. Grief is so difficult but please know the pain will ease up over time. Warmly,Angela Topcu, MFT


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I am so sorry to hear about your loss. He must have been very special to you and it definitely makes sense that you are having a hard time with it. Counseling may be an option if you have a university near you with a graduate marriage and family therapist program. Graduate students provide counseling at a very low cost as part of their traineeship.  Here is an example... http://www.clucounseling.org/.  Another possibility is a support group for bereavement and loss. Many are free. I wish you the best towards healing your heart.


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I'm sorry you lost your grandpa.  Some things that may help you through this tough time are to journal or write about special memories you have of your grandpa.  You could also journal about your feelings of loss and how you miss him.  Another thing that might help is to talk with a friend or family member.  Sharing special memories of the person you lost can help you to grieve.If you would like to pursue counseling I would suggest doing an internet search for grief groups in your area.  Sometimes hospitals or hospice centers will offer them for free or low cost.  You can also do an internet search for non-profit counseling clinics in your area.  Many cities and towns will have a non-profit clinic that can provide low cost counseling, it might be worth checking into.


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I'm sorry your grandpa died.Good for you to write on this site about wanting help to know how best to live with this new loss.Have you looked online for blogs and forums about adjusting to a recent death?  That you know you'd like another person to help you adjust, is a good sign of your own mental health stability.It is possible that reading online blogs and discussion forums, writing on these if you feel like doing so, and possibly joining a local free support group, will be all you need to feel better.There is no set timeline in grief.   Let yourself take as much time as you feel is best for you.


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It's good to know you are reminiscing about good memories.  The sadness and crying is normal when you are missing a loved one.  You are noticing that grief changes, it doesn't just stop.  You have recognized that there will be moments in life that you will want to have shared with your brother and grandma and it just seems unfair that you cannot.  I often find that when someone is stuck in the place you are, it is a result of unfinished business and in your case, it appears, unfinished futures.  A professional versed in grieving and it's intricacies, can guide you to navigate through this and lessen the intensity that you experience.  As life goes on, there will be many moments that you will have wished they were present, but those moments do not have to bring you such intense emotion.  Seek some help, you won't regret it.


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My grandma and brother both passed away 11 years ago and sometimes at night I just can't stop crying while thinking about the good memories we had but won't have ever again. I can't sleep at night when the memories and tears come I'll be fine all day then at night...boom! it's like waterfalls from my eyes. Why can't I stop crying?


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Because you're sad and miss the relationship you had w grandma and your brother.The academic point that grief takes a different length of time to lift for each person, is true.Also, from a spiritual perspective, your grandma and brother are still here in loving relation to you, just not in physical body.  Pay attention if you have a sense of talking to them within your mind.  This may lessen your feeling of loss.When you're done crying about missing them, your grief will simply disappear on its own!  It cannot be forced to leave.


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I am so sorry about your loss.  Losing someone you love is always difficult, however, losing a mother is a significant loss in a daughters life.  What makes this loss complicated is that it appears you have also had a loss in your relationship with your sister.  It is difficult to know what happened with your sister with the limited information you have provided, but what I suspect is that there are some unresolved issues between the two of you and that she may be projecting her pain on to you.  It is important to remember that your sister is also grieving the loss of your mother and may not be dealing with it in a very healthy way.  By her bringing up your relationship with your mother and suggesting that you were "never close" to her is her opinion.  Only you can define and determine what your relationship was like with your mother.  If there is truth to this, then it may be something you may need to talk about with a counselor.   There could be an added layer of ambiguous loss in that you are not only grieving her physical absence, but could be grieving the loss of a relationship you wish you could have had with her and the realization that you never will.  You and your sister are both in the heart of the grieving cycle.  When two people are grieving the same loss at the same time, it is difficult to provide support to each other because of their own struggle, even if they both were on good terms with each other.  Depression is part of the cycle of grief.  It is absolutely normal to feel sad, as well as experiencing other depressive symptoms (i.e., feelings of isolation, lack of motivation, low energy, sleep or appetite changes, etc.).  Anger is another phase of the grief cycle.  Your sister may be stuck in the anger phase, not wanting to connect with her own feelings of sadness, so this may be why she is being hurtful towards you, in projecting her anger onto you in order to avoid the vulnerability of experiencing her own grief.Finally, it appears that your depression proceeded the loss of your mother and is making your experience with grief more complicated.  Were you officially diagnosed and treated for depression prior to your loss?  Depression in grief is different than a depressive mood disorder.  Depression can be situational (i.e., triggered by an event) or related to genetics, undiagnosed health issues, stress, trauma or other potential risk factors.  If you have a family history of depression, you are more susceptible to have depression.  It would be wise for you to discuss this with a mental health provider, and if necessary, get treatment through counseling and medical interventions.


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Last year, I just always felt hopeless. I don't have a great relationship with my sister. I lost my mother recently, and that really added to my sadness. My sister always brings up how I was never close to my mother.


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Wow what a painful journey you have been in for a long time. Death and grief bring up so many painful reminders of relationships--what they could have been, never were, and what was lost. With death of a family member the family often falls apart for a while... or longer. I hope you can find some support for you and your pain that was occurring before your mom's passing. I also hope you can find someone to help you set boundaries with your sister so you can have your time (as long as you need) to heal from losing your mom and then later figure out how to interact with your sister.


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Do some self-reflecting as to what areas of your life you'd currently like to develop.The good news is you know how happiness feels.That you were able to create situations and dynamics which produced happiness in your life is good motivation to believe happiness is possible and to try new ways to create this in your life.


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The past always feels much brighter and more beautiful than my present. Everything about what's gone feels so amazing; almost like I'm high off nostalgia. But in the end it just makes me feel sadder knowing that all of the memories (and a close friend that left me) are gone forever. How do I move past that and live more in the present?


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I see such a sharp contrast between your question and your first sentence. Do you see it? "I feel guilty about my father's death", and "I spent my WHOLE LIFE taking care of my dad." Wow. After everyone else had left him to his misery, you hung in there. He is so lucky to have had you there. You didn't have to do that. I have a hunch that your dad blamed you for a lot of things. Abusive people do that a lot; they make you believe things are your fault when they're not. You did the opposite of what you fear you did. You didn't contribute to your dad's death; your selfless care gave him a longer life...better health. In the end, no one's love and care could save him. No one could fault you for deciding you had had enough at some point. I would never expect anyone to keep putting themselves in a hurting place over and over again. But this is what you did. You did it for him, and you did it so you wouldn't feel guilty. But you feel guilty anyway, right?...so putting yourself in that position was only worth it if you allow your loving acts to melt away the guilt. Can you tell yourself "It's okay that I had to take care of myself too."... "I gave up a lot for my dad; I have nothing to feel guilty about".Putting yourself last for your dad was a loving thing to do. And... my hope is that you can also find different ways to help yourself feel "good enough" in this world, and a balance between caring for others and caring for yourself.  :)


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I spent my whole life taking care of my dad, but left because of his verbally abusive behavior. I was the only one that helped with his health issues. I feel if I hadn't left he might still be alive. I need help dealing with my grief and guilty conscience.


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I'm sorry that you lost your first born child.  Death of a child always leaves a permanent reminder to the parents of a very painful time in their lives.The good news is your awareness that you and your wife are not connected in a satisfying way.There are many possible areas to examine in your relationship as partners and as parents.If what you write here are your observations and theories about your wife's outlook and conclusions, then the first step is to directly have conversations together on the topics you write here.What needs clarifying is what her reasons are for wanting to leave the marriage.Often, a crisis such as a child's death, motivates someone to look deeply into other intimate relationships.  Keep in mind that looking deeply doesn't necessarily mean leaving the marriage.Also, be aware of your own frustrations and marital discontent.  Be ready to talk about your feelings and uncertainties.There is no such thing as one happy partner in a marriage and one unhappy partner.   Each person is part of a system and can only be as satisfied as their partner.The conversations that open relationship hurts and disappointments, hold a lot of emotion.  They are difficult to keep on track.Best recommendation is to find a couples therapist who will be neutral to each of you as individuals, and help both of you examine the true health of the relationship.


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My wife is trying to leave. She agreed to come back and give me a little time. Even said she hopes I can do it. We buried our first born in Jan 13 years ago. She never got past it. So every year around this time, she gets emotional and says she doesn't think she loves me, but then we go back to normal. This time, another guy came in and showed her attention. I'll forgive the cheating if she'll come home.


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I am so sorry to hear of your boyfriend's passing. Grief is something that can take a long time to recover from. Have you considered speaking with a grief counselor? Being able to speak with someone that specializes in grief would be very beneficial. Do not get down on yourself for not recovering quickly. This is one of the hardest aspects to deal with in life but eventually you will be able to move forward. In the mean time, immerse yourself with positivity (i.e. Good friends, hobbies, exercise) and try to schedule a time with a counselor. Perhaps there will be a support group you could also join. Oftentimes, it is comforting to meet others who share the same experience as you.Good luck to you. I hope you will find peace and comfort soon.


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I loved him more than anything. He passed away on our anniversary which was also the day I was going to apply for our apartment. I'm not handling it well. I moved to a new town and started a new life but nothing helps.


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I am sorry that you lost your mother. That is a really hard thing for someone to go through.There is really no set time for grief to be over, but I agree that if it has been three years and you are still crying every day then this is past the time for normal grief. I do not know how old you are and if you are in school or have a job, but I would imagine that if by now you literally were doing nothing but crying every day all day, someone would have noticed and would have gotten you some help. For one thing, bills have to be paid.There are typically five stages of grief and they can come in any order. You can go back to another stage that you previously experienced. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are the stages. At first, people are usually in denial over the fact that they lose someone or are losing someone. This may mean that you deny they are ill or deny that they have actually died.Then comes bargaining, in which you may beg God that if you can only have this person back then you will do whatever. Depression is when the reality has settled in and when we cry and really feel the loss. It sounds like you are stuck in this phase.Finally, acceptance is when we accept that it has happened and we pick up the pieces of our life and move on.When we lose someone we never forget them. We may always have certain days that are tough, such as holidays or any special remembrance of your loved one. But we do get to the place where we accept that death is part of life and that it is inevitable, and that life goes on.A therapist can help you explore the reasons for your extended grief and can help you with coping skills to better deal with it. One suggestion I have is not to try to run from the sad feelings, don’t try to not feel them. Embrace the feelings. Let the feelings wash over you and accept them. Trying not to feel something is not going to help. Sadness is a part of life and needs to be felt just like happiness does. Unpleasant feelings are not to be avoided.I am sincerely sorry that you lost your mother and that you have had such a hard time of it for three years now. You deserve to be happy and to live a full life. I am sure your mother would not want you being sad for so long. I wish you all the best as you continue to try to heal from this loss and deal with your grief.


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What can I do to stop grieving my mother’s death? When I am awake I just cry every day. I don't have anyone to talk to. I need help; I am still cry over her. Will I ever stop crying? It’s been 3 years.


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Hello, I commend you for your courage in taking a look at the role alcohol has in your life. It sounds like you're concerned about what happens when you drink too much and I suspect you already know the answer to your question about whether you have a problem or not. I imagine you would like to stop feeling guilty and would like to avoid cheating on your boyfriend or other negative consequences and maybe have a fear of being or becoming an "addict" or "alcoholic." You might have a "problem" but that does not necessarily mean that you are an addict. I don't have information to know if "addiction" or "dependence" or other words would best describe where you are with drinking, but it sounds like it's begun to have some negatives, so forgive me using words like addict, dependence and so on. I mean it more as a road map than a diagnosis. The feedback I'm writing here is very general and doesn't address physical dependence and many other factors that might apply to your situation.  One of the ways to think about substance (mis)use is to think of addiction as a disease of avoidance. Let me repeat that: it is a disease of avoidance. Your ultimate task in living a balanced life is to figure out what you're avoiding and develop other ways to manage those feelings, experiences, and so on. And of course, along the way, you may want to look at triggers, situations, biological vulnerability, social pressures, coping skills, relapse prevention planning and so on. Depending on where you are in your drinking, you might very well benefit from expertise and support. Remember also that alcohol depresses our central nervous system and disinhibits us. That means that alcohol is often a substance of choice to relax, destress, calm down, etc. Also, it allows feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that we usually inhibit to be expressed. If you were unfaithful and often angry, that's your first signpost. For angry drinkers, it is often true that you don't drink and then get angry, you drink in order to express anger. I recommend you find someone you can speak frankly with, who is knowledgeable about addiction. Wishing you the best health and wellness.


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I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk.    In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol.    But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?


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The short answer is yes - if you feel 'really guilty after a night of drinking', then you probably have a problem. What you could do is visit this website by the National Institutes of Health: http://rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov/How-much-is-too-much/  There you will find information on how many drinks is too much, and the general answer for women is more than seven drinks in a week. There is also a quiz you can take anonymously that will help you determine if your drinking is a problem. The good news is that you can get help for substance abuse through counseling, self-help programs, or alcoholics anonymous.


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Guilt is a narcissistic, self-indulgent focus on me, me, me; it's best not to keep it in negative light;What does that mean?  Well, it stems from mankind having an animal nature, and a spiritual nature;In most societies today, the animal nature is looked down upon, seen as egregious and something to be put away;If I may say to you, it is necessary and important (if you wish to end an experience called "guilt") to NOT regard your animal nature as negative, but to accept that you have it, and acknowledge it;The more openly a man or woman acknowledges they're animal-side, the quicker one may subdue it;Try giving your animal nature a name, and talk to it like a cute pet... "Oh, hey, there, Snorky!  Oh, what's that?  You want to be a wealthy, famous Hollywood idol?  Oh, really!  Agaiiiiiiin, Snorky!  Geez, you're impossible!  Ain't you just the cutest thing!"


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I offer that getting a professional assessment is in order to look at your relationship with alcohol.


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Speaking with a licensed therapist will help you figure out if indeed you have a problem or not.  I would say the first question you should ask yourself is why you are drinking? The second would be why you feel the need to drink in excess? It may be due to a life event or the crowd you are running with.  Either way a therapist will be able to help you through this as you already made the first step in admitting you are having a difficult time.


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Usually when someone asks if they have a problem, they believe they do have a problem!The first step is to understand your own theory and definition as to what problem you feel you have.  Some possibilities are feeling unhappy in the relationship to your boyfriend, not having enough discussion between the two of you, not feeling cared about by your boyfriend, not liking your boyfriend.Did you grow up in a family in which the grownups drank to the point of excess at the times they felt stressed?Family modeling of how to handle problems may have left you no knowing how to handle stress except to drink to excess.Ask yourself what it is you feel guilty of doing?The guilt may point you in a good direction if it is your sense of self-esteem telling you to find better ways of managing your life.Do you drink alone or together with friends?Try defining your specific reasons for drinking because this is the first step to know how to handle the situation differently.


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More information would be needed for me to accurately answer this question, such as your age, whether you live with your dad or not, and what other family members live in the household. Something like this, alcoholism, is a whole family disease. In other words, family members often unknowingly contribute to the alcoholism and enable the alcoholic to continue the destructive behavior.First of all, you can’t make your dad do anything, and constantly nagging him or begging him to stop is just going to make him defensive and make this worse. Nobody can change another person. What you can do is change how you react to him and the things that you and other family members do for him. Research codependency. There’s a great book called Codependent No More. There are a lot of articles on the internet that you can read. In short, you have to stop enabling him. Like I said, you cannot control him, but you can control yourself. This means do not buy his alcohol. Do not make it easy for him to get. Don’t loan him the car keys or pay any household bills for him. Don’t call in sick to work for him or make excuses for him in any way. Do not bail him out of jail when he gets arrested. He needs to be responsible for himself. This may mean losing his job or losing his driver’s license. This may mean that he loses his family if he doesn’t stop. What you and your family can do is set boundaries about what you will put up with. It is his choice to drink, but it is your choice to put up with the behaviors of his drinking. A lot of people go into rehab because their spouse said if they don’t then they are getting a divorce.If you are an adult and you don’t live with your dad, then the best thing you can do for him is STOP doing things for him. If you are a child who lives at home with him, then this could be a case for child protective services. In my state this is called DHS. A report is made to this organization for child abuse or neglect. Substance abuse in the home qualifies. Of course, alcohol is legal and when consumed in moderation, there is no problems. The problem will be the result of his alcohol consumption. Does he drive with children in the car while intoxicated? Is he left to care for minors while in an intoxicated state? Are there any domestic violence issues due to his drinking? This could be a reason for the authorities to step in. You can look for a local meeting for family members of alcoholics. They are similar to the AA meetings that an alcoholic should go to, but are for the family members. They can help you.


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Your dad needs to be aware that he has a problem and be willing to make some changes in order for him to be motivated to stop.  Often times individuals will be forced to stop when they were not ready.  Remember we can not ever make someone do something they do not want to do.  There needs to be at least a little willingness on the other party to make some changes.  I would encourage you to reach out to your family or other loved ones and have a conversation with your dad regarding your concerns.


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Hi. Good for you in planning ahead to do what's healthiest for your baby (and yourself). That's a great first step! It's also good that you are able to identify that it's not always a physical need that's driving the addiction.For the next steps, I would suggest trying to figure out when the psychological cravings for a cigarette occur. The psychological (or mental) cravings are usually based out of habit, such as having a cigarette after a meal. And if you're consciously trying to quit, you'll find the craving starts with simply thinking about having a cigarette, then usually moves on to thinking about how good it made you feel, etc., etc. Well, if I'm on a diet and I continue to let myself think about the ice cream sitting in the freezer, eventually I'll give in and eat it.You're going to have thoughts about smoking a cigarette. That's normal and, for the most part, out of your control. But you choose whether or not to CONTINUE thinking and dwelling about it after that initial thought. That's what you would have to work on changing. When you have that initial thought, acknowledge it ("Ok, I kind of want a cigarette now."), but then change the thoughts that typically follow. Distract yourself, think about something else, do something else, whatever it takes to get your mind off of that cigarette.I've suggested to clients before that they should plan these scenarios out ahead of time so they already know what they're going to do when the time comes. Write down when you usually have the craving for a cigarette and then write down new thoughts or things to do to get your mind off of it. Eventually, it will become easier and easier to brush off that initial thought until you no longer have it.Best of luck, and you have a really great motivator to quit - your baby!


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I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental.
   I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?


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First off, I would like to congratulate you on making the decision to stop smoking.  The next thing I want to share is that there are so many different ways to kick the habit. Some people find solace in groups, while others prefer to see a counselor about this individually. Remember, that the crux of addiction is feeling one way and using a substance or thing to feel a different way.  My suggestion is to find an addiction counselor and create an individualized plan together to help you stop smoking . Your chances of stopping smoking are much higher when you have professional support and a plan to work on outside of your sessions.


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While smoking can be incredibly difficult to quit doing, it's not impossible, so the first thing to NOT lose is hope. And certainly planning to have a baby can be exactly the catalyst that one needs to motivate to complete this sort of task. But, as I said, it still won't be easy, even with the motivation there.There is a definite physical component, but it's great that you can acknowledge the psychological addiction that exists. It would be helpful to dive into what that psychological need actually is, as it can vary from person to person (whereas the physical addiction doesn't as much, and therefor can be helped through gums and patches and inhalers, etc.) Exploring and getting to the root of the psychological need can help you to determine what is going on for you psychologically, and how else you can meet those needs of yours, perhaps in much healthier and more adaptive ways, that also help you to feel really good about yourself. While replacement is not always advocated, having psychological needs is not something to be ashamed of, but rather nurtured.


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It's very admirable that you are trying to stop smoking for the sake of your health and your child's health.  The mental aspect of quitting a drug can and usually is the hardest part.  First, it can be helpful to change the focus of your thinking so you are focusing on the healthy behaviors you will start/improve rather than only focusing on the behavior that you are trying to stop.  The reason for this is that our brains hear the main topic of our thoughts.  That is, when you tell yourself "quit smoking, quit smoking, quit smoking", your brain hears "smoking, smoking, smoking".  So we need to put together a self-care plan that addresses your thinking, emotions, and behaviors (nutrition, physical activity, and other stress reducing activities).  The idea is to have an effective plan in place to both prevent yourself from feeling intense stress (which increases cravings) and to have a well-placed plan for when the intense cravings inevitably present themselves.  And lastly, and possibly the most important; You have to believe you deserve to be the healthiest version of yourself.  Think about the times when you are most vulnerable to smoke (stressful situations, after meals, when drinking, social situations, etc.).  The use of affirmations is also an important resource as what we say to ourselves effects our mood.  Repeatedly telling yourself "i am healthy, "i am getting healthier, "my lungs are becoming clear and healthy" or other affirmations like this.  Even if you don't believe them at first, continue saying them.  This step is important to improve cognitive flexibility which trains your brain to be open to change.  Think about activities that you like to do or that you would like to try and replace smoking with those activities.  Any activity that can make you laugh (time with friends, watching comedies, etc.) will evoke a calming response because when we feel happy, we typically don't feel stressed out simultaneously.


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Breaking any habit is no easy feat.   Cutting down or cutting out cigarettes is very challenging, and there aren't any one size fits all solutions.  Fortunately, there are a lot of tricks and tools that you can use to stop smoking.  1. Many habits that we have are paired habits. If we do one thing, then we will do the other thing.  Think about the activities that you do when smoking and try to pair those activities with another activity other than smoking.  For instance, many people smoke while they drive.  Consider planning another activity to do while driving. (It might not be driving for you, but you get the idea! :)).  It might be taking a walk instead of smoking on your break at work.  2.  Create distance between you and the habit you are trying to break.  This approach could be used in a variety of different ways.  If you smoke first thing in the morning, consider leaving your cigarettes in a different room in your home.  Walking the extra couple of feet could help you decide not to smoke.   Leave your credit or debit cards at home and carry less emergency cash than a pack of cigarettes.  With this strategy, you are trying to create some distance between you the cigarettes so that you have to jump through extra hoops to get them.  3.  Consider cutting back before cutting out.  If you are smoking 10 cigarettes a day, try smoking 9. Then cut back to 8 and so on.  Having a plan to reduce harm may be more sustainable than cutting things out altogether. 4.  You could also talk to your doctor about the safety of nicotine patches. If you aren't already pregnant, this could be a great resource to help boost your success.  5. Focus on what you are gaining instead of what you are loosing. You may be losing cigarettes, but you are gaining money, health, taste buds, an increased sense of smell, lung capacity, a healthy baby etc.  You could plan small rewards/ treats with the money you save from decreasing cigarette purchases.  I recommend making these purchases small and frequent to keep up the momentum rather than waiting for a big payout a couple of months down the road.  Good luck! Cutting out cigarettes will be good for you and your baby.


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Hopefully you feel you have the time to follow this procedure.1. For a week - log when you smoke - time, place and activity2. Plan on cutting back 10% for a week.Cut out the easiest times.3.Next change the times and and activities for 3 days - consider water or candy or gum if it is very tough. 4. Cut another 10% each week until you are done.


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It is very good news that you realize the risks of smoking cigarettes while pregnant and are willing to stop.Thinking about smoking is a typical and frequent reaction to being without the substance.Be creative with what you know about yourself to distract you when this psychological urge comes up.  My suggestions are to imagine smoking if you find this would relieve the sense of wanting to smoke.Or, do the opposite and remind yourself of all the good reasons to not smoke.Also, since you're planning pregnancy then ask your partner for ideas on how to make the psychological feeling to want to smoke, feel less intense.Another suggestion is that your partner is your texting buddy to stop smoking.   With AA groups, a sponsor is always available for the alcoholic who feels distress about the urge to drink.   Having a trusted and caring person to tell about your problem helps in many situations.  Maybe it will help you to stop smoking.Good luck!


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Quitting smoking can be difficult. It's also true that there is part that is sometimes a physical need and a part that is often connected to emotions in some way. From the way that you wrote this, it sounds like you may have been able to stop smoking physically, but still have cravings.One thing you can do is talk with your primary care physician or OB/GYN about whether there is anything that you can take to help with the cravings. Sometimes that can very helpful.As far as the more emotional or mental piece, these things come to mind:Sometimes a crucial part is looking at the habit of smoking and seeing what else you can do to keep your mind and hands busy. There are sometimes toys, like those available at Office Playground, that may help to keep you physically occupied.There can also be changes or additions to your routine because I imagine that smoking took up a great deal of your time. Maybe when you have the temptation to get up and go to have a cigarette, you could have several other things that you can get up and do instead. The list is endless, but a few examples could be doing some physical exercise (with the permission of your doctor) just for a couple minutes because that could help with the craving as well, completing a puzzle, learning a new activity that requires using your hands (painting or knitting, perhaps).Another piece of quitting smoking is often linked to anxiety or other emotional changes, perhaps irritability. Depending on what it is that you may be feeling,  learning other strategies to use can be helpful as well.This can all be quite overwhelming and a very big life change. I would recommend that if things do not become easier for you, consider talking with a therapist. Then you could not only have some more strategies or ideas directly related to you, but you could have very direct support for what you are trying to do.I give you a lot of credit!


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It can be challenging to quite anything once we set our mind to it.  We often crave the things more that we know we can not or should not have.  With that being said I would encourage you to become aware of the chemical dependency part that cigarettes have on your brain and your body.  Then make yourself aware of the mental part the habit part.  Often times people will engage in smoking again just from the mere social aspect of it.  Make yourself aware of these and devise a plan of the things you will do instead of going out on smoke breaks, or the ritual of smoking in the car on on the back porch.  There are plenty of support groups out there to help with this as well.  Smoking cessation is a good resource.


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Studies have proven that addiction affects the brain, there are many coping skills that addicts use to enable their addiction as well.  I would recommend that you speak with someone abut your relationship and your concerns.  Not only so you can have more clarity in the situation but we often tend to gravitate around or toward the same types of individuals.  Being more aware of your relationship will help you in the future when re-engaging in personal relationships.


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My boyfriend and I recently broke up. One week, we were fine, and the next, he told me he needed space. He completely deleted me out of his life. He does have an opiate addiction. He claimed he was sober, but since we've split, I've heard many lies from him. Could he be using again, and does this addiction affect the mind?


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Your friend needs to admit they have a problem.  If not no matter how many pills you take they will find a way to get more.  It is also a federal offense to take someone else's medication so if you did take it she could have you arrested.  In other instances it can be more dangerous to take medication away than slowly tapering off of them.  Like anything we put into our system our tolerance builds up and can effect us in different ways.  I would listen to her and discuss why she feels that she needs to be on the medications rather than playing bad cop in this situation.  Encourage her to get help and let her know you re there for her.


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My friend is abusing her prescription medicine. Even though she told me she didn't have any more pills, I found she has prescriptions for anxiety medications.


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Your good intentions to help your friend stay clean, are very caring about her.Unless your friend feels like stopping pills,  taking them away will mean she finds them some place else.The problem that anyone who is addicted to pills has, is that the person is psychologically and at least with xanax, physically addicted.Taking pills has basically become a standard part of your friend's life.Her problem is bigger than your ability to care.If you haven't already done so, tell your friend directly about your opinion on the way she is using pills.This is not a guarantee that she'll stop.It isa way of you showing that you care about her.Offering love and advice are the only things you can do for her.Meanwhile, knowing she is hurting herself is probably hurting you.Be sure to keep a sense of balance within yourself.  Offer your concern and know she is the one who must decide to stop using.


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Hello! Thank you for your question. I have a worked with many people who have become addicted to benzodiazepines, like Clonazepam. It is a difficult road for people who are trying to become clean. It is also a very difficult road for those who love the person and are trying to be supportive. During those times, it is important to remember to take care of yourself, too. As for taking your friend's pills, my concern would be the legal ramifications that you could face should you ever be caught with someone else's prescription medication, and especially these types of medications. Our laws have become much more strict surrounding prescription drug sales and possession due to the increase in prescription drug abuse. In addition, people who are in active addiction are likely to find some other means to get their drug, so it would do little to help the overall problem. I don't know about your friend's family situation, but they may be a better route to take if you are concerned about your friend. They may already be involved, but with your help you may be able to convince your friend to go to treatment willingly. That is usually better. In many states, there are also involuntary committal processes where a person's family may be able to convince a court to force the person into treatment. This varies from state to state. If your friend's family is not aware of this option, it may be something to look into. It usually does take a relative, or a medical provider, to begin this process if it is available. I hope this was helpful, and I wish you and your friend well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC


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I would suggest having a conversation with your dad and then having a conversation as a family with your stepmom.  Usually there are other signs of use that can often be missed.  Be aware of behavior changes and mood swings.  Be supportive and ready to listen often times individuals suffering from addiction will deny use until they are ready for help.


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I think the best thing for you is to speak with someone on how you can best cope with the situation.  It can be challenging living in a household with someone who is currently addicted.  It is also important that you realize that you can only work on yourself.  Other individuals need to take the same accountability.  Enabling often happens in households with addiction. It can be a challenging environment to live in.


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My brother has been a heroin addict for years, and he’s now in his mid-30s. He has taken from me my mom and my grandparents. He's sick in the head. Now he moved his girlfriend into the house because they both manipulated us. Today, my mom and my brother went toe-to-toe over his girlfriend not helping around the house and always being high. I ended up hitting my brother for getting so close to my mom's face. I feel terrible, but he's always picking his girlfriend over us. Mind you, he tells other girls that he hates his girlfriend, he's single, and she's only living here because he feels bad. We tried kicking them out and everything, but nothing is working. They do nothing to try and help.


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I'm sorry to hear that your brother has been having such a rough time. He's lucky to have you on his side (although he may not always see it that way).As far as whether you can sign him in, that depends on a lot of different things.I would suggest that you Google the state and county that you live in as well as some phrase similar to "crisis hotline." They can tell you how it works in that county. My guess is that you could sign him in as long as he met the criteria for admission at that moment, but I can't  be entirely sure. You could also ask the person on the phone about financial responsibility. I have not heard of that being a problem, but I guess it would depend on insurance.If you have trouble finding a local  hotline, consider calling the national crisis number (800-273-8255) and ask them to help you find someone local.


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My brother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has not been taking his medication. He's been using methamphetamine and alcohol and was found sleeping naked in my step mom driveway in 12 degree weather.
   I was adopted in by his dad (who just passed) and his mother will not Get involved because she's afraid of financial responsibility.    Do I have the rights to be able to sign my brother into mentalhealth facility?


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Thanks for asking this question. I know it can be really difficult to deal with issues like this.To answer your question, you might be able to get you brother some mental health help, even if he doesn't recognize that he needs it. In most states, an individual can request a mental health evaluation of a family member if that family member poses a danger to themselves or someone else, or if they are unable to take care of their own basic needs.You can always call 911 if you are concerned about his immediate safety (for example if you find him sleeping outside in below freezing weather.  As an alternative to calling 911, you might also be able to request an evaluation from an authorized mental health provider.  The deatsils of who you would contact vary from state to state. Here's a link with some additional resources:http://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/someone-i-know-is-in-crisisHe's lucky to have a brother who cares for his wellbeing as much as you do.


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The answer depends on what State you live.Since the description you write here is that your brother may be a serious risk to himself and others, it is worth contacting a mental health hotline or one of your local area hospitals and talk to a social worker or other professional level person in their psychiatry department.  Ask the same question you posted here.   Your question is a good one and merits serious follow through.


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Hello, My heart goes out to you, your brother, and your family, dealing with a very painful and difficult situation. In New York, you can't institutionalize someone else directly. You can, however, call the police or EMS. If they agree that he would benefit from hospitalization (and it sounds like they would), he can be held in the hospital for up to 72 hours, whether he agrees or not. Some hospitals will not hold a person that long, in spite of what we might want. I have seen many patients in and out of hospitals countless times, and it has been my experience that it can be extremely difficult to hold a person long enough to achieve good stability and an appropriate after-care plan. Hospitals in NYC tend to take a "patch and release" approach more often than I would like. It's been my experience that family makes a difference. Assertive, knowledgeable, persistent family can improve the quality of your loved one's care. Hospitals are highly pressured to discharge people quickly but they can not discharge a homeless person without someplace to go. If your family is willing to accept your brother, that will be the path of least resistance for the hospital. If the family refuses, they will be forced to find another path for him. You can also pressure the hospital to refer to rehab after psychiatrically stablized (which may only take a few days) and that may give your brother more time to begin making clear-headed decisions. If your brother has a psychiatrist, that person should be actively involved. I had a patient patched-and-released three times, in spite of my advocacy and him literally begging to remain and stop his voices. We finally got a 90 day hospitalization because I strong-armed his psychiatrist into demanding that the hospital stabilize his patient.  If your brother has a history of non--compliance with oral medications, you can push the hospital for injection, which again will help your brother stay stable for longer. Best wishes to you and your family.


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Family members sometimes get Power of Attorney over vulnerable adults. If you had this, you could do something like that. I'm assuming that you don't, though. There are steps family members can take through the court system to get someone involuntarily committed, but it is a long process. I deal with situations like this everyday on the job. The only time an adult can be committed against their will is if they are deemed by the doctor (such as at an emergency room) to be a threat to self or others. For instance, if he had suicidal thoughts and a plan to carry out the action, or if he had homicidal thoughts against someone else and a plan to carry it out, he could be placed on a short hold, but these holds only last for a few days. This still isn't a long-term solution. An adult has the right to refuse treatment and the right to make their own choices, no matter how bad those choices are. If you have a way to get him to an ER whenever things like that happen, such as being found sleeping outside in 12 degree weather, it will help a lot. They may or may not do a short term commitment for treatment based on the situation that brings him to the ER, but it's a start. They can help set him up with appointments for psych and he can get on medications. You can help by taking him to appointments and making sure his medications get filled. However, you can't force him to take the meds, so this may be something that happens a lot. With enough of a paper trail of many ER visits and that sort of thing, you'll stand a better chance of getting a court appointed psych ward stay. Some tips about ER visits: Don't send him alone. Always go with him or have someone go with him, because you will be able to give the treatment team better insight into what's going on than he will. He may say everything's fine and he wants to leave, so they won't have any reason to keep him if that is the case. Go with him. If you do get Power of Attorney, take the paperwork with you when you go to the ER and to doctor's appointments because they aren't just going to take your word. They need to see the actual paperwork. Having it on file in their system isn't good enough because paperwork expires, etc. Take it with you at all times. You can also compile his medical records and that sort of thing to take with you so they can see a full history of what's going on.Keep in mind that if you do get Power of Attorney, this makes you his guardian and you have to take care of him. Otherwise, you can get reported for vulnerable adult abuse and neglect. In fact, your mom ignoring and not helping may already put her at risk of that because she is willingly doing nothing to help someone who clearly needs the help. She won't be financially responsible for the hospital or doctor bills, but should be held responsible for his safety. Someone should. There are group homes for people with schizophrenia. " Being responsible" for someone doesn't mean you have to pay their bills, it just means you are going to make sure they get the care they need. That care may be placement in a long-term care facility like a group home or a nursing home. Psych inpatient hospitals aren't long-term, so you do need to look into other long-term options. Psych inpatient stays are temporary and are to stabilize him, they're not where someone stays forever.Good luck, and keep up the good attitude! Work with his treatment team. Ask for a social worker. If they see family that is wanting to do the right thing and wanting to help, they'll help you even if it does take a while to get things sorted out. The worst thing any of you can do is NOT go to appointments and that sort of thing.


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What an important question. I'm hearing your hopelessness and fear about the damage of your substance use and it sounds like you have reason for concern. While there can be negative stigma about using substances, for the most part substance use is an attempt to cope with emotional distress in the absence of sufficient coping strategies. We all look for comfort when we are in pain and this may be the way that you are getting comfort - even though it is also hurting you. In order to stop using alcohol and weed you will need a lot of support and you will need to learn other ways of getting comfort when you are in pain or struggling with bipolar related symptoms. There is nothing to be ashamed of and we all need help when we are struggling. I would encourage you to reach out for support in any way that you can. Have you talked with your health care providers about your concerns or friends or family members? Here are some links of resources in Whistler that may be helpful:http://www.vch.ca/locations-and-services/find-health-services/?program_id=11035http://redbookonline.bc211.ca/service/9509054_9509054/whistler_mental_health_and_addictionshttp://mywcss.org/programs/counselling-assistance/http://redbookonline.bc211.ca/organization/9489472/alcoholics_anonymous_aa___squamishwhistler


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I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.


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You may feel hopeless but YOU are not hopeless. Addictions of any sort are difficult to overcome, especially when they serve to bury pain and suffering that one is experiencing. It is not impossible to overcome alcohol or drug use/abuse/dependence on your own, but you will likely find much greater success with the help of a therapist or other support system such as rehabilitation or Alcoholics Anonymous. I suggest doing a bit of research to see what type of help is available and feasible for you in your area and go from there. Know that recovery takes time, willingness, and effort. Don't give up and remember that you are not hopeless. You can make the choice to change your habits and learn new ways of healthy coping. Best of luck to you!


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Anyone who wants to change their life path, eventually will be successful in this.  How to stop abusing alcohol involves a few steps, most of them time consuming, with slow progress and very often with tremendous emotional pain.The basic path is to figure out what motivates you to drink too much and be addicted to weed.  Almost always, addictions are rooted in the person having suffered feeling deeply ignored, humiliated, shamed, invisible, nothing very pleasant, since a very young age, usually starting around 18 months.Most often addicts are sensitive people who have been emotionally overburdened by the grownups in their family.With no outlet for emotional expression or nurturing, the frustration goes inward until the emotional pain feels very big and without an outlet.So, people mask and numb by substances, whether this is food, chocolate, work, alcohol, weed.Therapy that is humanistic based, is a better fit than one which is drug oriented and diagnosis oriented.If you'd like getting serious about knowing who you are, including any unfair treatment of you during your growing up years, you can do this.Once you have a stronger self-respect and awareness, you would naturally avoid substances because they harm people.  Harming oneself is the opposite of self-respect.Also, about your diagnosis, it may not be true at all.  the US healthcare system loves selling drugs to people and clinicians in agencies and clinics are encouraged to find something wrong with people in order to find a new customer who will take drugs.See if you can find a therapist who is independent minded, and therefore free to interact therapeutically with you as a human being, not as a potential customer if they are able to label you as having something "wrong".This simply continues the long line of being shamed by others that created the addiction problem in the first place.Good luck!


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This relationship with your step dad sounds very challenging. It is hard to to be told over and over again how not good enough we are. Let me offer you this, frequently when we say harsh, mean, nasty things to others, we are simply projecting our own thoughts about ourself. I am not advocating that this is ok, it seems like your stepdad could also use some support. You get to make your own empowered choice around this, this is your life and if you find yourself in a situation that does not suit you make a change.


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The first step to change is to admit that you have a problem that is in need of change.  Frequently our problems keep us in denial.  Although feeling hopeless is an uncomfortable feeling, it suggests to me that you know that you can not do this alone.  The best course of treatment for you is to treat all of these problems together.  Alcohol detox can be very dangerous so it is important that you do this under the supervision of a medical provider; preferably someone who specializes in addiction.  Know also that although marijuana may not appear to be as big as a problem as alcohol is, it will cause you to have an increase in alcohol cravings so complete abstinence from drugs and alcohol is needed. I really recommend an inpatient stay for at least 30 days for anyone who is dealing with addiction, whether combined with mental health issues or not.  If this is not a possibility, then the next best thing would be an Intensive outpatient program that treats both addiction and mental health issues.  Know that there is hope for what you are experiencing.  You can get control over these issues.  The next step is finding the team and/or facility that is going to help you do it.


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You are not hopeless, as you can see there are many people who care about your well being and believe you can overcome this.  I would suggest that you first get evaluated for your alcohol consumption.  Alcohol is one of the addictions that you may need to seek inpatient treatment for.  If not inpatient then be monitored by a doctor.  Once you are evaluated and or complete inpatient treatment I would suggest you participate in a form of outpatient therapy on a consistent basis.


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Have you reached your own conclusions and reasons for these, regarding the topic?   When you feel confident in your own reasons for your conclusions, then obviously ask your daughter in law for some time together and tell her what you think and your reasons for opinions.Plan for this meeting according to the type of relationship you have with your daughter in law.Since your son will also be affected by the prenatal conditions of his child, he may also be interested in being part of this conversation.Also, during your discussion, find out the exact ways the morning sickness affects your daughter in law.It is possible that scheduling adjustments in routines can be made so your daughter has more time to rest or fewer responsibilities for a while until she feels better.Maybe you and other family members can lighten her daily routines so she has more time for herself to manage her morning sickness in a less risky way.Sending Good luck!


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My new daughter-in-law just informed me that she is smoking marijuana while pregnant because of her morning sickness. I’m in shock and I don’t know how to respond. I just lost my mom, and she was good with advice.


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It is challenging to see one's parents age and to cope with the new demands.  Your mom means a lot to you, and that is why you get easily frustrated.  I'm guessing that it is not that she is making you do work or that her expectations are non-important to you because if that were the case, you would not feel any guilt.  Accepting the new stage will help you cope with the changes.  Take a deep breath every time you feel frustrated and think of the good times you shared with your mom before her getting Alzheimer's.  Remember that your mom as she was is no longer and that she has reverted to a more delicate phase.  Also, schedule time for yourself and do things that help you relax.  Caretaking of an elderly parent can take a toll on you, and it is essential to incorporate self-care.  Finally, look for an Alzheimer's support group in your area that will help you connect with other people going through the same thing.  You are a good daughter, and your mom is lucky to have you in her life.Sincerely, Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling


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My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isn’t her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?


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There is some great advice here that can really help, but you need some direct support.  Please find a caregiver support organization, a grief group and an individual therapist to help you during this trying time.  Your mom may not know what she is saying, or mean the awful things she says, but that doesn't make it hurt less.  Please take care of yourself and gt some help!


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It's a good question man, and it must be terrible to see your mother in the state she's in.Understand that Alzheimer's is due to under-performing function of kidneys, adrenals, and connective tissue strengtheners; all of which may be corrected with appropriate protocols that are inexpensive and generally simple to follow.Imagine it like a flower that is not fed properly:  A once, beautifully blossom flower APPEARS to be wilting, but it's life-force, spirit, and essence remain fully there and present.  And your mom hears you.Let's clean her out, and see her smile return.


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Make sure that you continue to treat your Mom with respect. However, you also need to make sure that you have time away from her so that the stress of caring for her doesn't overwhelm you. Balance is the key!


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You have the answer already. It is not your mom's fault. Always remember that in spite of the disease, that human being you call mom is still there. To cope with the feelings of frustration, anger, and guilt, practice accepting what is at this time. Bring peace to these feelings and commit to move on to provide your mom love. If you can, use mindfulness meditation to stay focus and calm your brain.


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It is very difficult to move from being the child to be the care giver as in your situation. Your mother's behavior as you describe it is a part of this disease. As the disease progresses and she is less aware of the present including her surroundings and who she is speaking to. Your response of anger and frustration are understandable. It is also a part of the grief process as you see you mother slipping away mentally. In the moment that you feel the anger step away, take some deep breathes and give yourself time to calm down. Then return to whatever you were doing with her. Caregivers of Alzheimer's patients need a lot of support themselves. There are support groups  as well as respite services available in many areas that will help you understand the process that each of you is going through. You can get more information about Alzheimer's disease and local resources by going to www.alz.org


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When you feel the frustration and anger building inside you have that be a trigger for you to remember a feeling that you want to experience instead of anger, frustration and guilt, for example understanding. Then say that word to yourself as you take deep breaths. But know that this is normal for caregivers/family members to have these reactions because it is also an emotional roller coaster for you. Even though it is normal it is still good to try to respond differentyl and I commend you for doing that. You also may want to look for a Caregiver Support group which will help you hear from others who also respond this way.


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Let me first say that I am sorry you are going through this. Yes, this is a symptom of an ugly disease, but that does not make experiencing it any easier. If your mother was a sweet and understanding lady, I am sure this change in personality feels awful! On the other hand, if your relationship with her has always been difficult this can definitely open up old wounds and anger. I have walked alongside many families as they care for a loved one with Alzheimer's disease. It is unfortunately common to see mothers become cruel and mean toward their daughters. In your case, it sounds like she is not directing her anger at just you. While this may feel less personal, I am sure it makes finding supportive care for her very difficult. I have several quick tips that might help you cope with this situation. 1. Stay tuned in to your level of anger and frustration. If you can limit the amount of time you or anyone else is with your mother you can limit the caregiver burnout. It is completely NORMAL to feel what you are feeling!! However, these are the feelings that can lead to acting out and abuse when not acknowledged. It doesn't sound like this is the case for you, but healthy boundaries and exercising respite will help with your feelings of guilt as well. So, rotate care as much as possible.2. If you find yourself arguing with your mom, STOP. Don't worry, we have all been there before. No need to feel guilty, but this only serves to agitate someone. None of us enjoys being wrong and getting into an argument. For those of us who are able to logically engage with others, sometimes this type of interaction is necessary. Alzheimer's disease has robbed your mother of her logic, therefore arguing with her will only make matters worse. Try redirecting her instead. For tips on how to do this check out Teepa Snow (teepasnow.com)3. Take care of yourself and seek support. Support groups and counseling are a great way to tend to your needs during this long journey. Caregiving can be overwhelming, lonely and heartbreaking. You don't have to go through this alone. Check out Alz.org for support groups in your area.


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From your initial description, I would say that your mother is "Maloriented". In this stage of Alzheimer's individuals tend to be blaming and difficult to deal with. They may often hide or throw things away and then blame family members for this. In addition, if they are incontinent, they may blame a leaky roof or something else when they are wet. You are correct that this is not her fault, but often for family members this does not make it any easier for you to cope. I strongly suggest that you learn communication strategies that will help you to communicate with your mother in a way that lets her work through the difficulties associated with the disease. I always suggest Validation techniques to family members.In addition, you need to give yourself some kind attention and take time out from your circumstances as needed. You need to be able to center yourself and come to acceptance that this is your mother's illness that is the problem, not her and certainly not you.


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Yes, certainly your mom's difficulty in having meaningful conversations with people results from the Alzheimer's disease process which weakens her brain function.Feeling a sense of guilt in relation to a parent, is pretty common for everyone.This is because as little kids and babies, we had a strong reliance on a parent and believing every word they sad and wishing to follow each action they ask or demand, was for the benefit of our own survival.One way of coping with your feeling of guilt is to examine it.Ask what it is you're feeling guilty about?Chances are that your sense of guilt is less due to what you're currently saying or doing to help your mom.Very likely, your guilt feeling is awakening the sense of obligation that you and all of us feel toward a parent simply because parents seem to have unquestionable power when we are very young.After all, you're thoughtful enough to write a question, so chances are great that you're already actively involved in caring for your mom.


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Good observation on your part, to distinguish that your feelings in relation to your mom are not necessarily connected to the way she handles her part of the relation toward you.Has your mom usually ignored your opinions and wishes in relating to you?If prior to the onset of Alzheimer's, she never examined her way of relating to you, and if both of you have never had an open conversation about your sense of feeling hurt by her attitudes and manner with you, then the relationship between you and your mom will change in ways other than rational dialogue.She may continue ignoring or overlooking your wishes because she's been stuck in this attitude for most of your life.The good news for you about this is realizing that who you are and your way of relating to your mom, has very little to do with the way she relates to you.This is a more profound disappointment because it shows that her disconnect from you has been for longer than when the Alzheimer's began.You can however, feel a little more free knowing that you're not deserving of being ignored.


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My mother has Alzheimer's and I can see that she has lost some of her intellectual abilities. Even though I know this disease is not her fault, I’m still finding it difficult to separate my own feelings of disappointment and frustration when my mom seems to ignore my opinions and wishes, and seems


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There are many conflicting emotions and tasks that arise when one becomes a caretaker for their parent. Expressing positive emotions to her (i.e. "Mom, I love and care for you, and enjoy our time together. I'm sorry I can't stay long"( may help re-frame your thoughts and have a fresh perspective on the situation. Additionally, Visual cues like pictures and notes can also be helpful for those who suffer from disorders like Alzheimer's and Dementia, as it offers a "Trigger" for memory, helping to ease the doors to communication. Finding support in other family members, or a therapist familiar with elder care issues may be helpful as well.


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If the only way the relationship you have with your mother feels "okay" is when she is the only one who makes decisions concerning your life, then this only seems ok.In fact it is not okay for one person to be the authority for another person unless the one for whom this is being done, does not have their own ability to think for themselves.Separating your own wishes and way of handling life matters, from your mother's point of view, may be difficult.First, realize you need to get familiar with feeling at ease with the idea of deciding matters for yourself.You'll need practice until you feel comfortable.Unless, if you've been thinking through decisions you'd like to make and the idea of your mother's anger is the only point which stopped you, then you may almost instantly start living in a liberated way of running your own life.Basically, it is right and fair for you to have the chance to live your life the way you feel is best.   Be prepared that your mother may disagree with you and that her disagreement is not a reason itself to not do what you believe is in your best interest.


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I have a mother who is still running my life even though I'm almost 30 years old. I want to move out and live my own life, but it feels like as long as I do what my mom wants our relationship is okay. It's never okay if I don't do what she wants.    I don't know how to start making my own decisions and not worry about whether it's right in her eyes. Would it help for me to talk to someone about this?


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ABSOLUTELY.  Having someone who's outside the situation and, even more so, with knowledge and experience in human behavior and relationship dynamics such as a counselor can do wonders in helping us feel less alone in frustrating situations like the one you're currently stuck in with your mother.  A professional can also assist you in finding some assertiveness techniques, communication strategies, and coping skills to help you find your voice and stand your ground in a way that feels most authentic to you.In a healthy parent-child dynamic, there comes a normal developmental shift when, as the child reaches each new stage of maturity and responsibility, the parent backs off to provide a more supportive role instead of directive role.  We call this "redefining relationships." (We also do it with our friendships and colleagues here and there over time as needed). It's absolutely vital. Sounds like your mom may have missed that memo. Like many parents, she may feel your behavior and choices is a direct reflection of her. Or that her role as your mother allows her greater latitude than it should.  Or like many other people in general, that her way is the ONLY way. Regardless, this is YOUR life.  And as far as we know, it's not a dress rehearsal. You certainly don't want to wake up some 50 years from now regretful or resentful. That being said, there are certainly ways to show her love and respect while doing what makes you happy. I would encourage you to Google therapists near you whose bios resonate with you and what you're looking for and start on a the journey towards a new chapter of freedom and hopefully a deeper, more satisfying mother-daughter relationship for both of you.Warmest regards,Tamara Powell, LMHC


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Hi Lincoln,It can be very difficult for children who have lost a parent to then see their other parent moving forward with anyone, so I understand how this change is even more upsetting to you. And...your father and your friend have clearly established a friendship and fallen in love. Did you see this coming? I hope they didn't hide it from you. If they did, maybe this is the issue? It would be a legitimate one.But in the end, your father, and your friend, are adults who are free to fall in love with whomever they wish and hopefully they can count on the support of people who trust and love them. Could there be blessings here you haven't seen yet? It seems you love this person who is like a sister; could it be a good thing that her place in your life is more permanent?Ask yourself these questions... "What is the worst part of this?" "What do I fear losing?" "What do I fear at all?" "What is the evidence that this will happen?" The answers might surprise you. Your children will follow your lead. If you are supportive of their grandfather, they will follow suit. Hopefully you can grieve the change, know that your mother would likely want both of them to be happy, and embrace the blessings that come with having this woman close to you in a new way. I wish you the best.


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I have known her for years. She was dating my brother-in-law when we met. My kids think of her as their aunt. On Halloween 2014, I lost my mom to cancer. My mom and dad were still married when she passed away. My friend was there for me through that and my own cancer diagnosis. She has been a very big part of both me and my kids’ life, but now last month, my dad told me that he really likes my friend and wants to marry her. She’s like a sister to me. My kids hate the idea.


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How are you measuring whether or not your dad understands your wish?Your dad understanding your wish does not mean he will necessarily follow through with what you want.Based on what you describe about your relationship to the woman in question, your discomfort with the idea of your dad marrying your friend, is reasonable.Have the conversation with your dad that includes your viewpoint, and also ask him for his impression of your feelings.Its even possible he already has considered your feelings and hasn't yet told you.It is also possible that a conversation on the subject, as well as your dad following through with his decision to marry your best friend, may develop in a very positive way.Part of the current uneasiness you feel may be from fear of how a change in circumstances and introducing new relationship dynamics might feel.Given that the person who died was your mom, maybe your emotions are not yet ready seeing your dad with a replacement spouse. Try to see the situation from the point of everyone, including yourself, who is involved in this major change.  Maybe having a family discussion about acceptance and readiness to accept a new partner for your dad, would open new empathy for all of these family members.


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That's intense. This person moving from a friend of yours to both a friend of yours and, in  a sense, your step mom is a lot. I wonder if you have let your dad know what's going through your mind with this and how it is affecting you. I can imagine that could feel awkward and emotional. Still, getting him to understand might be as simple as letting him know, in your words, how this feels from your view as well as what you wish. It may not change the outcome (he may still marry her), but your thoughts will not go unsaid and opens it up for conversation. Best luck!


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It is understandable that it's very hard for you to hear daily complaints from your mother regarding the caregiving of your niece. You cannot change your mother's feelings and responsibilities, which could create feelings of frustration and helplessness. It must be equally hard for your mother to assume full responsibility for your niece at a time where your sister cannot take care of her. This type of responsibility usually produces an enormous amount of stress and pressure because your mother and niece would both need to adapt to this new relationship, living situation, and the feeling of being "abandoned." Not knowing the history of your relationship with your mother and how you respond to each other in times of need, it may be difficult to fight the right recommendation on how to deal with this situation. Nonetheless, it is not easy to have to face daily complaints and you may have to set a healthy balance between empathy and boundary setting with your mother and some personal boundaries for yourself. It is likely that your mother's "complaints" may be her desperate cry for help because she does not know how to cope with stress or how to ask for the right kind of support. In this case, you could calmly and respectfully tell her the next time you hear her complain, "This must be very difficult for you because I hear the stress in your voice almost everyday. It's very hard for me to hear you feeling so overwhelmed. I feel helpless in this situation and would like to suggest that it might be helpful for you to seek some professional help and support to deal with such a big matter of importance." When empathy and understanding is communicated, recipients are usually more open because they hear and feel the caring behind it and are more likely to seek additional help.After sharing this message of empathy and encouragement to seek help, the next step is to protect yourself by explaining to your mother where your limits are so that she understands what she can expect from you. This means that you can decide the kind of support or help you are willing to give your mother and/or niece that is within your ability to provide without feeling overwhelmed. This could involve inviting them to dinner occasionally, taking them out to see a movie or inviting your niece over to give your mother respite. You could then say to her if she complains again, "I cannot change the way you feel in this situation and I encourage you to seek professional advice about that but what I could do is .........(explain what you could do to help)."www.PsychologyResource.ca


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My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.


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Then one day when life between you and mom feels calm, tell your mom that you aren't able to listen to her complaints about your sister.The truth exists whether or not it is acknowledged.   Bu acknowledging what feels real and necessary in your life, you are helping your mom see what she may not like to see and what nevertheless is right in front of her.There is no good reason or good to come of hiding your own truth about not wishing to continue listening to your mom complain.


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This sounds stressful.You mentioned that you want to learn how to avoid them. I'm not sure whether you want to avoid them overall or if you would like to ask your mom to maybe only talk to you about it for a few minutes about your niece in each conversation that you have.Maybe you can connect your mom with some support. It sounds as if she has lost part of herself and/or is very stressed out and in talking with you about it because she trusts you enough for you to be someone she can speak openly, you are becoming stressed because of things that you cannot directly change. This is the presumptive based on the amount of information that you posted, but it sounds like there is a bit of a circle of stress here.I also wonder who you could talk with when you are stressed.It may be helpful to see a local mental health professional to help redefine some boundaries so you can have the type of relationship with your mother that you want without necessarily feeling stressed out by it every day.


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Both you and your mom are in a tough spot.  She has returned to parenting after she thought she had raised her kids, and while I am sure you'd like to be supportive, you recognize that listening to her complaints really does not help her and drains you.  In addition to that, it sounds like Mom's complaining has become "the" conversation she has with you, leaving other, more fulfilling conversations out of your relationship.Think about what you want instead with your mom.  More time with just her?  A chance to offer true help,not just listen to complaints? When you have some idea of what you want, tell her.  You can do this kindly and respectfully, with a concern for both her and your relationship with her.  It might go something like this..."Mom, you really have your hands full.  Sis dumped your grandbaby on you and I bet this isn't how you imagined grandparenting would look.  It's got to be hard and I am not sure how I can be helpful.  Beyond that, I really miss talking to you about other things.  So, Mom, is there something I can do that would be helpful?  If not, let's talk about something else".In addition to that, if your mom is open to other resources, help her find them - she needs some emotional support from a non-family member.Good luck to you both - and to your niece.  It is a hard situation for you all.


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It is difficult to implement healthy boundaries when the person is a parent or family member. I would encourage you to identify how it makes you feel after talking with your mother. Work on establishing healthy boundaries where you do not feel obligated to engage the complaining daily. Maybe setting a time limit to talk with your mother and practicing how to be assertive and not disrespect or aggressive. Helping your mother understand how you feel using  "I" statements  i.e  ( I feel _____ when you call to talk about my sister). Maybe asking your mom how can you be supportive of her during this time other than listening to her vent. It may also be helpful for your mother to get connected with support groups to help her cope with this life change.


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Buy the book "Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin." Read it. Apply it.Seriously, I'm not joking. You're not wrong to "not want to hear it anymore" but if you don't maintain healthy boundaries, you will allow your family to make you feel guilty for "not wanting to hear it anymore". That's not fair to you.Give a copy to your mom, too. No, I didn't write the book nor do I have any affiliation with it - I simply recommend it because it's a wonderful book and it helped me out a lot. I recommend it to a lot of people. It should be required reading!


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This sounds like a possible boundary issue. Boundaries are important in relationships. They are invisible lines that we will or will not cross. It is up to us to create and hold them. We have the ability to rethink them and change them as needed. It sounds like you have thought it through and would like to makes changes in the relationship between your mother and you. In the main question, you want to avoid the family member, however in the following comment, it sounds like you may just want the avoid that conversation, not so much your mother. Once we review the issue and decide what we need (create the boundary), I suggest opening talking with the person when everyone is calm (not in the middle of a stressful moment when we often are unable to focus and hear the other person). Always understanding that we had time to think about this issue and the other person has not (catching them off guard). State clearly your need. Such as "I am not comfortable with hearing about my sister. It stresses me out. I would appreciate it if you would not bring it up anymore. If you do, I will not respond and I will change the subject " It is important to use "I" statements. I feel" this way". I will "do this". We only have power over our actions. Also when we use "you " comments, the other person can become defensive and unable to hear what we are saying. Once we let ourselves know what we need, then let the other people know our new boundary, then it is up to us to follow through. We will make mistakes. Not follow through every time with our boundary. That is okay. Start again. It gets easier with practice. It is also appropriate to reconsider and change your boundary as needed. Just let the others know when you need to change it. Remember, they can not read our minds. I wish you much strength and hope the best for you and your family.www.parishhealthandwellness.com


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It can really be difficult to listen to someone constantly complain and it can take a lot of emotional energy to be the listening ear to someone struggling. Perhaps having a conversation with your mother about making the communication more productive in nature. It seems like your mother is obviously having some difficulties and she is stuck, therefore making you stuck listening to complaints on repeat. Explain to her the impact it has on you to listen to the complaining and not working towards changing things or coming to a level of acceptance or even making the conversation mutual, such as her being there for you. This may or may not help her to come around, but at least it can open up the conversation and be an effort towards initiating a change.


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These are common challenges that involve setting healthy boundaries with family, as well as friends and co-workers.  Therapy can help you to define, establish and enforce boundaries between self and others by being assertive.  This involves determining what things make you uncomfortable and how to communicate that with assertive, not passive, not aggressive, actions and language.


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It is important to set boundaries with those that stress you out. I encourage people to validate the other persons feelings by saying "I am sorry you are going through this." Then, to set the boundary bye stating what you need from them or what you are trying to do with your life to destress and that you can't be a listening ear right now. This will need to be a repeated conversation, but over time you will notice less stress.


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Sounds like it is time to set some boundaries with your mom.  You can do this by letting her know that you understand how she is feeling and you understand that she is under a tremendous amount of stress.  Validate her feelings and words.  After you do that, tell her how hearing about it daily is affecting you let.  Let her know that it is hard for you to hear how stressed she is, how hard it is you to have these daily calls.  Let her know that you are feeling stressed about her own well being.  You can then suggest that she find a therapist to speak to about how she is feeling and what she is going through.  I suggest writing out what you want to say, before you say it.  Practice saying it a few times so that it flows naturally when you do have the conversation with her.Also, when you start setting boundaries with people they don't usually like it.  They give some sort of push back either by expressing disappointment or anger towards you.  This has nothing to do with you.  This is them having a hard time hearing and accepting the boundary you are setting.  The other thing people tend to do when you set a boundary is to test it.  In this situation it might look like your mom calling you the next day as if the two of you never had the conversation.  In this situation it falls on you to set the boundary again, by having the same conversation again with her.  Over time she will accept the boundary and she will be OK with it.


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This sounds very stressful.  Setting boundaries is important to maintaining a peace of mind.  If you have not communicated your feelings to your family member, that would be a good first step.  Communicate with the intent of simply expressing your feelings and your expectations going forward.  Do not blame or shame because that will blur your intent.  Going forward, consistently stick to your new boundaries.  That may mean not picking up your phone for each call.  Soon enough the message will be clear.  Good luck.


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Hello, and thank you for your question. I am very sorry that this was your experience with your family. I truly wish I could give you some things to say to them that would change their reaction, but unfortunately I can't do that. Their acceptance of you is a journey, just like coming out is a journey for you. Sometimes families initially respond this way, but after time they become more accepting and even supportive. Unfortunately, there is no way to know for sure if that will happen. So, here are a few things I would suggest:Surround yourself with people and things that remind you that you really are okay as you are. That won't take the place of your family's acceptance, and I won't even pretend that it would, but it may help during those days when it hurts the most. And that is really important. Patience is not something that many of us are really good at, but this type of situation sometimes forces you to have some. When families first learn something like this, they may go through a period of shock. And then sometimes even grieving. They may even be worried if they are of a particular religion where being bisexual is forbidden. These things can take time for them to reconcile, so it may just take some patience. If it is safe for you, try to talk to them, but if it becomes painful or hurtful then you have the right to walk away. I do recommend setting up some personal boundaries for yourself, and perhaps learn some assertiveness skills if you feel you struggle with them. The reason I feel that this is important is that people sometimes take a lot of abuse from family members and friends in times like you're describing. They may want to be accepted so much that they put themselves in hurtful positions over and over again hoping that their families will come around. They may, or they may not. And if they don't, you deserve to live a life free of abuse and to feel confident and assured of who you are. To be surrounded by folks who remind you of that. If you start seeing this pattern and you are struggling, chatting with counselor may be a great idea. I am bias probably, but I think chatting with a counselor is ALWAYS a good idea. :) Hope this helps. Be well. Be you. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC


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I am sorry to read that this happened to you. If your family is not supportive of you, this can be a huge challenge. Are you dependent on them in some way (financially, etc.)? This could affect choices you make at this point. Make sure you connect with a supportive community or people and organizations that are afforming of you and your identity. If you are unable to receive support from your family, you can lean on them if necessary. If you feel your family needs more information you can always refer them to appropriate websites and organizations that can help them to understand that this is natural and normal and learn the negative effects of non-affirming people in the life of LGBTQ+ individuals.


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I am so sorry to hear this has been your family’s reaction. It is truly heartbreaking to hear. The important thing to remember is that your identity as bisexual is valid and you are worthy of love, no matter what other people say.The other therapists below have given you some great advice on how to cope with your family's reaction and how to manage the pain you are feeling. I wanted add to their responses by sharing a few resources on ways to connect with bisexual community.To know you are not alone. To see yourself reflected in others. To hear others stories of how they have coped. These things can help you stay strong during difficult times. I hope these resources can do some of that for you.Online blogs, resources, and stories: https://bisexual.org/, https://www.binetusa.org/Find a Bisexual support group: https://www.binetusa.org/bi-groups-in-the-usBisexual Podcast- https://www.binetusa.org/the-bicast Find Bi-Affirming Professionals in your area - http://bizone.org/bap/In Solidarity,-Lindsey


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It sounds like your family responded out of fear!  They may need some time to digest the information.  This can be hard for a family to hear for several reasons but you should be proud that you had the courage to tell them.  Once they realize how brave you were and how much you need their support they will come around.   Maybe you can write them a letter (for them to read without you present).  In the letter, you can tell them your struggles and maybe why you decided to tell them.  A letter will give them a little more time to digest the information.


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It's most important that you accept yourself and surround yourself with a group of friends who are kind to you and love you. Family hearing news of any kind for the first time if they are an anxious type of character, will always be tough to digest. Time is important to let it all settle in and also making sure you're taking good care of yourself... I think you're brave and I give you a lot of credit for not denying who you are -- you will inspire so many people to do the same in your life. Wishing you all the best. Gina


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That has to be incredibly difficult because you were very vulnerable and open about what you were feeling and I imagine the response was very hurtful.Here are a couple of things to do right now:Practice giving yourself some love. Bring your awareness to the room around you and some of the positive energy within you. As you become a bit centered, you're likely to be able to work through your emotions more easily.Surround yourself with people who do accept you. I'm hoping that you have friends or acquaintances who accept you as you are.You can also find some support here through this organization that often have events related to offering support: https://www.pflag.org/needsupport. I have not spoken with this organization directly, but they are often discussed in therapeutic trainings as a reputable organization.Related more specifically to your family, that change may take some time. There is often a large adjustment in families because of the huge variations in reactions and what each person thinks, feels, and believes.Consider talking with a local therapist about how to communicate more effectively with your family, as there are a lot of variables there, so it is difficult to give you specific ideas in this format.Remember, there are lots of people who accept you as you are right now.


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I'm sorry your family had such an upsetting response to your news.Maybe eventually they will come around to greater acceptance of you.   If this was the first time they heard this fact about your sexuality, the information may have overwhelmed them.It is up to the family members now to realize they handled their reaction in a way which may have upset you.Whether or not they do this, you still can be sure you did what was necessary and in your hands to tell them such key information about you.


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There are a lot of ways one could go about handling this kind of conflict. It is hard to know which way might be advisable if we don't know quite why they would yell (or, why would they care who you choose to sleep and/or partner with to begin with?)However, it is of utmost important that you accept yourself as bisexual, and sometimes that is easier said than done. But, when you are able to get to that acceptance that you are not in the majority in society as far as sexual orientation goes, and all that comes with that, and perhaps other issues you might have with it, it will be significantly easier for you to tolerate your family's lack of acceptance, and perhaps chalk it up to a severe lack of open-mindedness.But because it is family, and we don't choose our families but are forced to deal with them for the most part for better or worse (admittedly I'm not the biggest fan of outright estrangement), processing the loss of "the family that I hoped I had" will also be important for you moving forward in your life. You likely will be able to realize you don't need them to accept your sexual orientation for you to live a healthy and happy life. Perhaps when they see that they can't change you, they will actually just learn to accept it.


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The part of your life which is in your control is the way you handle what your mom does and the way she talks to you.It is possible the two of you have very different opinions on a great number of matters.Each person, including you, has the right to decide whether and how to respond to someone.Stick up for your own right to make decisions.If she doesn't accept your independent viewpoints, then this doesn't give away your right to have these views.Since she makes herself clear as to her unwillingness to listen to you, then consider this as an easy way to avoid directly speaking with her about what's on your mind.If she ever shows an interest in your opinions and you feel like discussing these with her, then feel free to make this choice.


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I'm an adult, facing problems with my mom. She's way too controlling. She decides things for me, disregarding whatever I say. I tried explaining my side to her calmly, but she eventually gets angry and doesn't wish to listen to me regardless of how I speak to her.


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Many people do not accept the reality of gender beyond male and female.Obviously if your family doesn't accept your questioning status then this feels painful.All you really can do is continue your self-examination and know you're in a non-supportive family of doing so.To know the truth about your surroundings is much better than to not know, and also much better than pretending you are not in your current phase of gender expression questioning.


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I'm a teenage gay girl, and I'm in love with a girl a few years older than me. She loves me too, but we're not physically together at the moment. I've been thinking about being transgender soon too, but my family doesn't accept me, so I honestly don't know what to do about that because I feel like I have to constantly hide the real me. It hurts so much to hide the real me. What can I do?


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They would probably be helpful to speak with a local mental health professional about this, not because there's anything wrong with the real you, but because having these conversations can be difficult and you may choose to talk about your real self in different ways with different people.Maybe you could talk about your concerns with your significant other and discuss different ways you may be able to discuss your relationship that fit with how each of you defines your love for one another.Because you are saying openly that you are gay, and it sounds like you already identify yourself as gay, as compared to considering being transgender "soon," it may be worth considering disclosing the fact that you are gay now and disclosing the idea that you are transgender after you have worked through that yourself. I would like for you to be able to be true to yourself and show the real you. It could also be that you already know that you are transgender, but with the way that you  phrased it here, I'm not certain.Here is a link to a hotline that you may want to consider using. The Trevor Project is about helping teenagers who identify as LGBTQ: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/Here is another national site where you may be able to find a local chapter: https://www.pflag.org/I don't know what you mean when you said that your family will not accept you, but since you are concerned about your family's reaction, I would suggest that it may be helpful to have a therapist or some other support in place before telling your family. The decision of whether or not to wait longer to tell them is ultimately yours, but I wonder if you have a likelihood of explaining what you are experiencing in a way that would be truer to you and also perhaps easier for your family to follow if you had time to process it with supportive people first.Please remember that you are not alone in this. There are people in the world who can and will accept you for who you are.


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If you and your brother are open w each other and respect each other’s opinions then there is little risk your relationship with him will end.If there already is strong animosity, mistrust, dislike between both of you then there is more chance he will not seriously consider your advice.For your own peace of mind, say whatever you feel must be said to him.The person you’ll need to live with is yourself so do what you believe is needed for you to feel good about saying what’s necessary.Even if he never follows through with your advice then you’ll still know you tried your best to advise.


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My older brother (in his 60s) started dating a lady with Asperger's. She is hyper-sexual and flirty. She does not understand boundaries. They’ve been dating for a few months, and she's talking marriage. Another sibling and his wife have met her, and they have said she is never invited back. My brother always picks similar ladies. Do we speak honestly and risk losing a relationship?


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This is tricky and quite delicate.I wonder if you could talk with your brother about whether he would be willing to have a discussion with you about something that is important to you. I would also suggest trying to make clear your true intentions. For example:Telling him that he has the right to do what he wants with who he chooses to dateThat you are talking to him about this because you care about himThat your relationship with him is important to you and that you love him and care about himAlso try to stick to examples or ideas that are objectively observable (for example, when this happens ___, I notice ___). That way you are using facts rather than opinions and things that can be observed rather than subjective emotional decisionsI would also be curious with what your brother sees in this girl, and I might even recommend starting with thatI cannot underline enough the importance of having this come across as genuine, and for lack of a better word, gentle.I also be very honest with you that I cannot guarantee that he will react positively, neutrally, or even that he will have the discussion with you.Because it is true that he could choose to continue dating this girl and perhaps even hold it against you for a while, I would also encourage you to look at the importance of this to you and where you consider the risk-benefit ratio to be.


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Your family's opinion is quite demoralizing.Unless you are lying to yourself or to them, then your best effort deserves appreciation and support from family.The family members may have reasons besides the actual outcome of your school work to be so blind to your investment of effort.Maybe they target onto you their unhappiness in some other area of their lives.  It is often easier to create false narratives if a person wants to avoid looking at themselves.Possibly too, the family people may have a twisted logic to their words, as though ignoring your effort is a way to force you to do more.If you feel the family people will listen to the way their words affect you, then definitely tell them.If not, then you are learning an early lesson on how not everyone is necessarily supportive of others, and how disappointing this feels.


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I'm a teenager, and I know the importance of my upcoming schooling. However, no matter how much I put in my best effort, my family thinks I have done zero effort in total. What can I do?


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First of all, I'm glad that you posted here and I'm glad that you recognize the importance of schooling.Where does your family get the idea that you are not putting in the effort? While people can interpret "effort" differently, with talking about schoolwork, I would think that your grades would show the effort that you are putting in.If you are getting good grades and you are saying that your family does not think your grades are good enough, maybe there could be a conversation where you are able to ask them what they are expecting from you (and try to listen without defending yourself for a few minutes) and then you could explain what you are doing to prepare. Maybe you could set time limits so you each have five minutes to discuss this (or less, if you think that would be better).If your grades are not as good as you would like and you are putting in the effort, I would still consider having a conversation like I mentioned above, and perhaps taking advantage of tutoring or other possibilities offered by your school.Just as a bit more information for you, I have been working with children, teenagers, and adults for more than nine years now. When someone tells me that they wish their child would do better in school, I always ask what that means. Sometimes it means that their grades are D's and F's. For other families, it means that the grades dropped below 95% and in that family, that is unacceptable. Perception makes a big difference here.If you are doing your best and accomplishing your goals, that is worth celebrating.


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I'm sad and heartbroken on your behalf.I'm very sorry your mom has such negative views on you.Please know that there must be some reason in her personal history or relationship life which drives her to criticize you so strongly.The natural dynamic is for a mother to love and nurture her child.Unless at some earlier point in your relationship with her, you caused some massive harm to her which would justify her indirect dislike for you, then the best way for you is to find supportive and loving other people who will to some degree make up for the harshness you hear from her.Also, read online about others who have similar situations because there may be good guidance on keeping yourself emotionally safe from how she treats you.


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She constantly tells me what I am doing wrong. For once, I want her to be proud of me. It’s like no matter what I do, she does not have one nice word to say to me. She is always hateful towards me and always has been.


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I imagine this is very difficult and confusing for you.It sounds like there are things for which you are proud of yourself, which is really good. I hope there are also other people in your life that are currently able to recognize the good things that you're doing.If you think your mom would be willing to go to see a local mental health professional with you, that may be a good place to have some discussions about the relationship that the two of you have. The reason I'm suggesting that it may be easier to have the conversations there is because sometimes the mental health professional can point out parts of conflict that are not easy for the people who are involved to actually see by themselves.If you want to try to talk with you mom to see how she is feeling, maybe she would be willing to discuss it with you. If you're going to have a conversation like that, I would suggest you try these things:Ask her if this would be a good time to have an important conversation. If she says no, consider asking her when would be a better time.Try to have the conversation with the goal of taking about five minutes to learn more about where she is coming from on this. If you can ask questions to learn more about that, you may be able to know more about what she is thinking and feeling.This doesn't mean that you have to agree with her, but just that you are able to hear where she is coming from.Try to ask questions that start with the words who, what, how, where, when. Questions that start with the word "why" can be difficult to answer and can lead to a lot of extra emotion.Try to summarize what she is saying to see if you have it right.If you want your mom to know how you feel, after you can listen to what she is saying and see if she is willing to listen to what you would like to say.If you're going to tell your mom about how you feel, consider having some points written down ahead of time so you can explain yourself the way that you want to.It will probably be really hard to listen to her without being defensive right away. I know I would be wanting to jump right into the conversation. Remember that jumping in right away will probably make it more difficult to learn where your mom is coming from.Also, if she says she doesn't want to have a conversation, remember that she has that choice.If your mom does not want to go to see a counselor with you, remember that you could go on your own. Depending on your state and exactly how old you are, you may need your parent's permission to be in treatment, but not always. If you need help to figure that out, try contacting a couple of local mental health agencies to see if they can help you figure out what to do if you want to talk to someone.


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This sounds like a really tough situation.  As a teenager, you may be able to get counseling on your own (without needing your parents' consent) under some circumstances.  If your parents are refusing to consider counseling, you might want to try talking to your doctor or another trusted adult about finding some counseling resources - even without your parents' help.


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I’m a teenager. My entire family needs family therapy, and more than likely individual therapy. My parents refuse to take action, and I'm tired of it. Is there any way I can get out of this myself?


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This is a question that I often get from patients.  Can I get my family into therapy? How can I get someone else to do something that I think is best for them?  The answer is you can suggest, but you can’t force them.  I spend a lot of time teaching my patients the importance of recognizing the difference between the things that we can change and the things or people that we cannot.   Understanding that we do not have control over other’s outcome, gives a break to breathe and reduce our anxiety.   It also helps up to recognize that we CAN create change by changing ourselves.  “BE  THE CHANGE YOU WANT IN YOUR LIFE”. Have you heard that quote?  It means that by changing your thinking, what you say and your actions, you can impact your surroundings.  Talking to your parents about how you feel regarding your family dynamics and suggesting in a sensitive and loving manner that therapy may be helpful for all of you, is a good way to approach the subject.  Whether or not they receive the suggestion seek your own therapy, talk to them about your experience and show them with your actions how your life is moving beyond family issues. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor in Texas, currently providing services in West Houston.  You may reach me at 787-466-5478 to schedule an appointment.    ¿Cómo encuentro un terapista para mi familia siendo yo un menor?Soy adolecente.  Toda mi familia necesita terapia familiar y probablemente terapia individual.   Mis padres se reúsan a tomar acción,  estoy cansado de esto.  ¿Hay alguna manera en que me pueda salir de esta situación?Esto es una pregunta que comúnmente recibo de mis pacientes.  ¿Puedo hacer que mi familia venga a terapia?  ¿Cómo puedo lograr que otras personas hagan lo que yo creo que es mojos para ellos?  Puedes sugerir, pero no puedes obligarlos.  Dedico mucho tiempo en enseñarles a mis pacientes la importancia de reconocer la diferencia entre las cosas que podemos controlar y las cosas o personas que no podemos controlar.  Al entender que no tenemos control sobre otros, nos permite relajarnos y reducir la ansiedad.   También nos ayuda a reconocer que podemos crear cambios cuando decidimos cambiar nosotros.   “SE EL CAMBIO QUE QUIRES EN TU VUDA” ¿Has escuchado esa frase?  Significa que cambiando lo que piensas, dices y tus acciones, puedes cambiar tus circunstancias.  Hablar con tu padres sobre cómo te sientes en respecto a la dinámica familiar, y sugerirles de manera sensible que pueden recibir ayuda terapéutica, puede ser la mejor manera de iniciar la conversación. Pero si reciben o no tu sugerencia, es importante que busques iniciar tu proceso de terapia, háblales de tu experiencia y demuéstrales con tus acciones como superas los obstáculos más allá del drama familiar.
Soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Texas y Puerto Rico, veo clientes en el este de Houston y proveo servicios de tele terapia.  Para una cita puedes llamar al 787-466-5478.


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It's the way my mom said I was worth nothing, stupid, no point of being in school. I'm "lazy little fat."


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Your mom is telling you cruel words.The fact that she is your mother and is not supportive and willing to point out your strengths, is a good reason to not believe what she tells you.Parents are meant to nurture their children, not take them down with words.Kids go to summer schmo for all sorts of reasons.  If you were unable to concentrate during the school year on academic subjects, for whatever reason, summer school is a way to catch up so you will stay with your classmates in the school year which starts in September.I understand not liking the idea of school in the summer.  Only this is different than being putdown the way your mother does to you.


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A relationship gets weaker, not stronger by threatening control of the other person.Start by telling your boyfriend to keep his remarks about you and the interests he is in which you two disagree, limited to these areas.Your relationship with your mother is between you and her.Regardless of how much he doesn't like her, to not respect your mother daughter relationship is unreasonable and disrespectful toward you.Threatening to take action against you by withdrawing himself from your relationship, is almost guaranteed to harm the good feelings between the two of you.Does you boyfriend dislike your mother for any reason having to do with her being a danger to you?Ask his reason since if he does this from concern for your emotional or physical safety, then this is good sentiment which is handled incorrectly, by a threat to you.What you should do is ask your boyfriend to not threaten you and to calmly talk about the topics you bring up here.


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My boyfriend and I have been arguing every night about the same thing. He also tells me that if I go visit my mother out of state he will be gone when I get back. He and my mother do not get along. What should I do?


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It's ultimately your decision whether or not you go to see your mother. I'm not sure whether talking with her on the phone or through some videoconferencing application (such as Skype) would be something you could do in the meantime until you sort out what you want to do.Some things I wonder are:What makes the two of them not get along?What makes him feel threatened or on edge if you visit your mother without him? What does he think will happen?What is he getting out of trying to choose for you?What is he so afraid of?If you decide to talk about these things with your boyfriend, try to do the following:Consider using questions that start with the words who, what, where, when, and not why. The word why can be really difficult for some people to answer because the word itself triggers an emotional reaction.Try to ask him if the two of you can discuss this in a way that you can just ask more questions about what he is experiencing. If you can listen without being defensive about what you think and feel, you may understand more about where you boyfriend is coming from.Remember that understanding what he means does not mean that you have to agree with what he is saying.Maybe he would be willing to listen to what you are experiencing and ask questions about that as you did for him. It would be good to do this in a way similar to what an investigative reporter would do and asking questions that cannot be answered in a yes or no format and require more information.I'm sure this is putting you in a very tough place. If you would like to talk to someone more directly about the details, consider seeing a local mental health professional.


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Not liking someone is not cruel - even if it is a family member. There is nothing wrong with you for not liking your sister. Some people are fortunate to have siblings that they get along with really well, other don't. We all have different personalities and we are not going to like everyone - even if they are related. In fact, sometimes being related makes it harder because you know all of each other's flaws and imperfections. With that being said - it may be worth it to make an effort to talk about the things that get in the way of having the kind of relationship that you might ideally want with your sister. Sometimes it is hard to like someone if we have a lot of old frustration and resentment and being able to talk about it in a constructive and kind way can lead to more understanding and respect, and sometimes actually liking each other.


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I don’t love my sister. I would never wish her harm, but if I could, I would wish for us not to be related. Is this cruel? Why must blood mean we have to be friends? Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to fix this? I do care about her, like I do every human being, but I’d rather be with my friends than be with her at all. It’s not just a "teenager phase." I still love my mom and dad, and I’m very close to them. However, it’s my sister I don’t love or have ever really liked at all.


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Hi. My guess is there's a lot of deep history here that I don't know about. Have you felt hurt by your sister in the past, or are you just 'different people'? It's a common feeling people have about siblings; that they're very different and they wouldn't choose them as friends, but most people stay connected to family unless there's a good reason not to. We don't choose our family, do we? Your feelings are normal and they don't make you cruel. If you were mean to her, that might be a different thing. It might be considered cruel to cut her out of your life for no reason, but choosing to not hang out with her a lot isn't cruel, in my mind. Perhaps you at least owe your sister kindness and respect (if she respects you), but not necessarily friendship. How you respond here is up to you; there are no rules. You get to decide how much 'family' means to you and how much time you spend with friends or family. This may shift at different times in your life though. Cutting all ties with a sister now (you haven't said you want that though) might mean she won't want to be there for you in the future when you need her. Also, how you treat your sister affects your other family members as well. There are many things to consider here, but the bottom line is that you get to surround yourself with the people you want in your life.


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No one can force emotions.   Its fine to not love your sister.You may make some discoveries about yourself and your relationship with your sister by studying the reasons for why you're not close.Usually this has something to do with how the parents positioned the kids.  Some parents obviously favor one child over another, and this would heavily influence how the kids view each other once they are grown people.The patterns of interaction set down during our growing up years stay with us until we change them consciously.Its possible your sense of not loving your sister started in your early years.You now have a chance to know your sister through your grown up eyes, or not.Either way, you still may decide you don't love her.


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One choice is for you and your wife to decide together what are reasonable ways and expectations to have of your mother.From what you write it sounds like your wife and you have differences as to what is the proper and right way to talk with your mother.Once the both of you agree on overall philosophy and some specific details for examples, then ask your mother to make time for all three of you to discuss together the expectations and standards you and your wife would like to see happen.This is only the first step since it is possible and likely that at least on a few points, your mother will disagree and have different views.These need to be discussed and integrated into an overall plan which all three of you are happy to live with.


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My wife and mother are having tense disagreements. In the past, they’ve had minor differences. For example, my wife would complain to me my mother is too overbearing; my mother would complain my wife is lazy.
 However, it’s intensified lately. I think the cause is my wife talked back to her once. Now, any little disagreement is magnified, leading to major disagreements. What can I do?


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What you are describing is something psychologists have termed "triangulation" which is what happens when one family member will not talk to the one they have a problem with and goes to a third member of the family to complain instead. You have been "triangulated" by your wife and mother.This is often seen in families. It's seen everywhere. How many times have you had a problem with someone but you didn't go to them to tell them, you went to someone else to complain? It is usually difficult for a person to confront another, especially in relationships where there is a power differential. For example, I bet it's easier to complain to a coworker about your boss rather than go to the boss with your complaint.I'm not saying triangulation is always a bad thing. Sometimes a third party mediator is needed to help solve problems between two people who disagree. That's what therapists do every day! Sometimes just getting someone else's perspective can help you see the issue clearer. However, in your situation it sounds like this is becoming a problem. You are stuck in the middle between two people that love you and that you love.If you want to put a stop to this triangulation, you will need to encourage the two of them to talk to each other and work out their differences. Perhaps it was a simple misunderstanding that some open communication can clear up. Even if they really don't like each other and can't get along, your relationship with the both of them is going to continue to deteriorate the longer you are stuck in the middle. Try to understand what might be the feelings behind their behavior. It is possible that they may both feel threatened by the other. These are the two most important women in your life and they both know it. Your mother may be afraid that she will lose you if she confronts your wife. I heard one mother-in-law describe her son's wife as the gateway to her son. The wife has the power to dictate when and how often the mother gets to see her son. The wife also is the gateway to the grandchildren. If your wife doesn't like her mother-in-law she can severely hamper or damage her mother-in-law's relationship with you and any children you two may have. From your wife's viewpoint, this is the woman that she may feel like she can never live up to. If you regularly praise your mom's cooking, her housework, gardening, or anything else your wife may feel that you are putting down her own efforts in these areas and can feel unappreciated. This can be especially difficult if your wife and mother are nothing alike. I am not saying that this is the case with your family's situation. These are just a few examples from other families in a similar situation as yours. Regardless of what the cause is, if this dysfunctional pattern is allowed to continue, your mom and your wife will begin to get upset with you when you don't agree with them. They will get upset if you don't align yourself with them against the other. They will be offended when it seems like you are choosing the other one's side or that you are not standing up for them like they think you should. In worst cases, if it continues to escalate you may even find yourself in the impossible position of having to choose between your wife and your mother which may mean cutting off contact with the other, ending that relationship. Change the dynamics before it spirals even further.


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Forgetting one's emotions is impossible.Since you are in a relationship with this guy, your emotions keep your feelings active toward him.Does he respect your upset with his lifestyle choices?Are the two of you having conversations about your opinions on him?You're as entitled to dislike what he does as he is to like what he does.Since you're together in a relationship, respect for the other's values and how best to live life, matters.He may be as unhappy about your dislike for his lifestyle as you are with his.Try to know whether he's willing to change to accommodate you.Study whether you're willing to change to accept his ways.See whether the two sides are close enough to be different from one another and still be happy together.Then, if the answer is "no", you can consider to separate from him and your emotions gradually will recuperate from leaving the relationship.


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For the past week or so me and my boyfriend have been fighting. He has been making a lot of bad choices and he is currently hospitalized. I'm barely eating or sleeping because I'm constantly worried about him. Everyone else in my life says that I should just forget about him and walk away. What should I do?


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Understandably you'd like support from those who know and love you.From what you write, your family members do not offer you your very reasonable expectation.Start by telling particular family members with whom you feel you'd have the most likely chance of success in their meeting your expectation by loving you.This way you are able to tell yourself you've tried what is reasonable to try.Don't give up on expecting loving support for yourself!If your family members are unwilling to give you this, then start to give yourself loving attention and care.Gradually you will bring yourself in contact with new others who will love you.Loving yourself makes you attractive. so others will find your willingness to be loved.


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Ever since my mother passed away my family has treated me like a stranger. Now I'm concerned that my father will need to go into a nursing home. If that happens I think I'm going to be on my own to handle it.    What should I do? I'm going to need my family's help and support.


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Going to see a experience counselor would be my advice.  You will have a neutral person that can listen to both sides and help you all find a common ground of understanding.  If she doesn't agree to counseling, really the only person you can change is you.  I would suggest that you approach her with love and let her know what you appreciate about her, let her know the great things she have done that could not be replaced or forgotten however you want your relationship to get better than it has been lately.  Hopefully this will open the door of communication where you can explain your thoughts and feeling but in a loving way.


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We just cannot seem to get along. I cannot have a conversation with her without it turning into World War 3. She treats me like I have no right to an opinion and never really lets me speak. My real mother cares and tries to help me, but she can't do much, because my adoptive mother won't listen to her either.


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You're expecting reasonable behaviors from your boyfriend's father.Since the father is his, your boyfriend is the person in position to speak directly with his dad about the expectations you and he have of the father.If your boyfriend has a good relationship w his dad, which is not what this sounds like, then great!If your boyfriend has a stressed and tense relationship w his dad, then somehow he needs to develop or be coached and encouraged by the people in his life who truly care about and know him, a way to state the very reasonable standards you describe here.If all else fails, then a new living space is always another possibility!


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We rent from from my boyfriend's parents. His father drops by unannounced and stays for long periods of time. He lets himself into our home when we aren't there on a daily basis and takes our dogs to his house. He picks up our mail. He has NO boundaries.    He's an opinionated, rude pushy person. He expects to spend every weekend around us, gives unsolicited advice on child rearing and does not respect our privacy at all. He barges in with no warning. He has a key and lets himself into our house without asking permission. I need help. How do I address this?


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Does your boyfriend agree with the other people's opinions or is the problem that he feels that doing what they want will be an easy way to stop hearing them say what he doesn't like hearing?Talk through whether he actually believes what the others are telling him or figures that complying will make them stop bothering him.Once the two of you understand what, if any, the differences are in the opinions you each have on the double relationship status, you'll be more clear whether the differences can be aligned somehow.


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I have been dating my ex-boyfriend’s cousin for a few years. We have gotten pretty serious. He wants to cut it off because people are giving him a hard time that our kids will be related to my ex.


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Maybe this is emotional abuse.It certainly is irritating and annoying to be yelled at for being yourself.Maybe at a time when he's not yelling you can bring up the topic of your own willingness, if this is true, to discuss questions he has about your gender.There's no guarantee he won't start yelling midway through a dialogue like this.  Only then you will be on firm ground to excuse yourself from the conversation since you already explained that you're willing to talk with him and not to be yelled at by him.


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My dad doesn't like the fact that I'm a boy. He yells at me daily because of it and he tells me I'm extreme and over dramatic.
   I get so depressed because of my dad's yelling. He keeps asking me why I can't just be happy the way I am and yells at me on a daily basis. Is this considered emotional abuse?


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Emotional pain is different from physical pain that way, isn't it? Even many years later, an old wound can be ripped open again by a small trigger.You were betrayed by two people close to you. That's a complex injury. I don't know whether you're still in the marriage or not, or whether your sister is still in your life. Perhaps not, as your contact with her seems to be through watching her facebook activity. I'm curious about why you're just now seeing her facebook posts again. Are you feeling more open lately to seeing how she's doing in her life? I guess if you were open to having your sister even in the periphery of your life again, you will have to figure out how to handle those triggers. If you can't, maybe consider unfollowing her or detaching from facebook for a while. So your sister is happy, or she at least appears happy. Your mind might go to some unhelpful places, like "She doesn't regret the affair" (you don't know that), "She doesn't deserve happiness" (that would be a harsh judgement), or "She doesn't care that I'm hurt" (again, there's no evidence of that). Where does your mind go? It's important to identify your worst thoughts in connection to her. When you have those worst thoughts identified, ask yourself "What evidence supports that thought as truth?" It's likely that either there's no evidence, or that the truth is so far from you that you can't know what she's feeling or thinking, which makes having those thoughts pretty futile.A therapist can help you determine what emotions are being triggered here. It doesn't help you and your happiness to carry around resentment, ill wishes, or the need for revenge. Forgiveness is not about saying that something was "okay". It's about saying "It happened. I accept that I can't change it, and I don't want to carry the emotional burden around all the time". Forgiveness is putting it down. She... (trust me this is true)...she carries her own burden of shame for what she did. For you to spend time feeling angry doesn't affect her burden. It only adds to yours. Can you find the tender emotion under your anger? You're hurt. Validate that hurt. Honour that hurt. Take care of that hurt. You can stay away from people who disregard your needs, and you have the power to forgive those who make mistakes out of their simple humanity if you want them in your life. If you continue to struggle, please seek the help of a professional who can assist you in navigating these waters. :)


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It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this?


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First thing that you must realize is that most people only post the "best parts" of their lives on Facebook, some people even go so far as to make their lives seem better or more interesting and post mostly false views of their life. Facebook is watered down, candied version of our life, you put on there only what you want people to see. The questions you should ask is "How have I grown from this?", Is my marriage currently in a good place? I really wish there was some form of magic that could be performed to solve peoples issues and help them sort out their emotions and troubles, however there is not, the closest we can get is by using {time and insight} to heal our wounds.


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What is going on in your life that brings up more sensitivity to the affair?The best way of handling your hurt is by noticing your own feelings and the current circumstances that increase your sense of pain.Concentrate on your own life and making your life the best it can be.


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A mediated safe talk session between. You and your sister.Then, you and your husband have a mediated safe talk.  So both hear what you feel in the respective relationships. Possibly the last step is a mediated  safe talk with sister, husband and youcoversation, in the future.


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Affairs and infidelity are tough areas to address. The power of the affair comes from the feeling of injustice that seems to have happened to you. The struggle I notice people have is with the forgiveness. Forgiveness is something that is asked of you from your partner but also you have the power to give. I assume you want to forgive or have forgiven. However, the forgetting part is difficult. It seems that image of her happiness may have triggered something in you that isn't happy. I'm not sure how often you are triggered by her but it seems there is something there you need to process. The forgetting part sadly is difficult to put past your mind. However, it's being able to see the unfortunate situation they did and be able to walkthrough it even though it's painful. I think maybe speaking with a local therapist about this as it's often difficult to process alone. Also, see how you are feeling as days go on. Do you find yourself obsessed? If so, you may need to seek a professional counselor.


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I'm sorry to hear about being taken advantage of by your former wife.On the positive side, think of how much you learned by going through this very painful time.Maybe you are naturally very generous and caring, to the point of expecting very little from the other person, for example.Consider yourself in a favorable position to not feel like going out right now and meeting a new person.   Your spirit is guiding you to stay put and recuperate from this ordeal, review for any signs you may have been more trusting than merited by the person's behavior.There's a natural flow to what we're able to handle and when we have renewed capacity for new adventures.There's no reason to assume that you'll never trust another woman again.  The first step is re-building trust in yourself to step into a new relationship.   There is no designated time line.  You'll simply feel more ready than you feel now.Very unlikely that you'd ever place yourself in a similar situation to the one you're currently recovering from.Good luck!


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How do I ever trust another woman? I have found myself constantly reading between the lines with every other woman that I meet. I am having a difficult time making any sort of connection to anyone because of her deception and willingness to say and do literally anything in order to control my emotions.
 Once the "relationship" was over, she became extremely abusive and has attempted to intimidate me into silence regarding the many false claims made on her immigration application.


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I'm sorry to hear about that situation. If the woman was your therapist (or had been at one time), this could represent a significant ethical violation when she created a dual relationship with you.Even if you were not her client, this might still be an ethical violation. Counselors are held to a high standard of conduct and honesty at all times.In a situation like this you might consider filing a complaint with the state regulatory board.


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I admire your courage.If you are concerned about telling your dad regarding your gender identity, I would suggest a couple of things. There are a lot of groups or other supports for people who are working through some of the same changes that you may be going through now. I don't mean to convey that everyone thinks, feels, or acts the same by any means, but rather that it may be helpful to talk to others who have had some similar experiences.I was trying to include some links for you, but that particular button isn't functioning window. If you search for "transgender support" on Google, you'll find GLAAD and PFLAG, both of which are national organizations. This does not mean that you have to identify as "transgender," but researching that term may help you to find both national and local resources.As far as telling your dad, if that is particularly concerning for you, I suggest either talking through the details with a local therapist or considering if you have a trusted friend or family member (one who will respect your privacy with regard to who you would like to know about what you are experiencing at this time) so that you can talk with some people to have support. This may help with two things: allowing you to find some support for yourself as you work through the changes that you are going through now and also possibly talking with someone who knows your dad and may be able to talk with you regarding how or when to tell him.One thing that I tell anyone who wants to discuss something that is very important to them is to ask the person they want to talk to whether this is a good time for an important conversation. That way, you have greater chances of having the person's attention and/or not needing to end the conversation quickly. Also, please remember that you know yourself best, as each of us does.


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I have known I was always different. This year, in December, I found out that I never felt female. I did research and have identified myself as male but don't know how to tell my dad.


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Hello, and thank you for your question. This is certainly a tough spot. I have a few thoughts and perhaps some colleagues will add some things. You may want to spend a few minutes calling to mind any conversations that you have had with your father about transgender issues, or if you have ever heard him talk about it. That may give you a small clue about how well he may accept this news from you. For example, if he has been watching the news lately, transgender rights is something that is being talked about a lot. Has he had an opinion? This won't tell you for sure if he would be okay with learning you are transgender, but at least you would know if there is hostility toward transgender people. To tell you the truth, the best way to tell your dad is whatever way feels right to you. There is no right or wrong way, best or worst. If you want to tell him when you are by yourself with him? That's perfect. Want to have a friend with you for support? Equally perfect. Whatever thing you need to do. And, of course, there is always the option of not telling him anything until you are comfortable doing so. Unfortunately, the response from your dad can't be predicted. Some parents are totally cool.... others not so much. This is one reason why having someone with your for support is sometimes a good idea. If things get heated, you have someone in your corner. There are therapists who specialize in affirmative therapy, and they may be very helpful to you in working out how you want to tell him. You can also Google some stories about how others came out.I refer many people to the www.letsqueerthingsup.com blog. It is a popular blog written by a trans man that I know. He writes on many topics related to trans issues. Hope some of these suggestions help. Be well... be you.. and good luck!Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC


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Have you ever tried talking with her about this when she's not angry? While I hear you saying that it feels like she doesn't love you, there could be a lot of other pieces to this. Have you ever told her about how much she means to you (when she's not angry)?


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I have three siblings. My mom loves them and not me. She’s always yelling at me, but when it comes to my siblings, she talks to them. I’m always crying in my room.


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It's hard to tell from the way you described it. Do you think he would be open to an honest discussion? It could be that his comments about your outfit are designed to make you feel good or to help them show how much he cares about you as his stepdaughter. As far as scanning you from head to toe, I can think of reasons that parents might do that. I also think that talking about it is probably very important so you really know what his intentions are. That way, it removes the guesswork and you have the opportunity to know what he is thinking and feeling and he can also know what your reactions are.


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My stepdad and I always mess around. I've noticed that whenever he playfully hits me, it's always my butt that he hits. He always comments on my outfits and always scans me head to toe when I walk into a room. I'm a teenager female, and I want to know if this is normal.


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You could be protective because of things that happened in your past or in the past of the people that you are protecting. A lot of us have natural instincts that we do not want other people to be in pain. For other people, conflict is just hard to watch and/or listen to.As for having a tough time trusting them, that could also relate to past events between you and these other people or it could relate to the conflict that you mentioned. It can be difficult to trust someone deeply when you don't know when the next big fight or argument is going to start.The next time you step in for someone, consider asking yourself what is making you do that? What are you feeling in the moment?


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Any time my family and friends are in an altercation, I’m the one who steps in. I’m the one they call to fight for them. I do this even though I have a tough time trusting the people I’m fighting for. I’m only in my early 20s.


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Breaking the patterns of relating to family members, is difficult work.In the situation you describe, both you and the family members who ask for your intervention, will be affected by any change you decide to make in the way all of you handle family disagreements.Always, it is best for any two people who have a disagreement, to talk directly with each other.   A third person distracts from the content and reasons for disagreeing.Maybe knowing that by pulling yourself away from mediating family arguments, you will in the long term be doing good for your family, helps you do the actual work of separating yourself from their arguments.Definitely, the fact that you're writing about the problem, shows you feel like doing something which feels better than how you feel currently.It is very healthy for you to listen to your gut intuition telling you to pull out of the mediator role you are in currently.You may feel guilty, your family members will most likely do everything possible to persuade, convince,  and push you back into their arguments.This doesn't make them right in what they're doing, it only makes your job harder of trying to let them have their fights on their own.


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It sounds like you are hating some of the things that your mom does rather than hating her.Something you may be able to do is call the area agency on aging for the county where you live and ask for information about having other people help to care for your mom. I don't know how old your mom is, but if she is younger, they would probably have resources to other ways that you could have help. If you are both open to the possibility of someone else helping out, this may help with some of the difficulties between you if you are not spending quite as much time together. Do you think your mom is able to actually recognize how what she does and says affects you?From whom do you have support during all of this?


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She has chronic inflammatory demyelinating polyneuropathy, and I’m her caregiver. All she does is complain, hit me, call me names, and say things happened that didn’t. When I tell her, she explodes. I didn’t always hate her, but now every little thing she does irritates me, and I don’t have the means to live on my own.


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I don't know how old you are, but depending on that, you may be able to talk with them about spending some time in both places. Even parents who live in different states can do that sometimes. It's not as frequent as spending one week at one house and the next week and the other, but I know that it happens.If you can talk with both of your parents about how you would like to live in both places, maybe you can all work out some kind of agreement.


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My mom and dad got divorced four years ago. I had to finish out the school year with my dad, and now they are deciding which place is best for me. I can't choose. How can I choose if I love both places?


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It seems like you are going trough stages of grief, since the inability to see your father causes you similar feelings as if you had lost him.  Perhaps you could send him letters expressing your feelings and hopes.  But do understand that if he is under the influence of drugs he might not be able to empathize with your feelings or react in the way that he would have done so in the past.  As the issue evolves find a therapist or counselor to help you work on letting go of that anger and stress, which may affect you negatively.  Find forgiveness so you can have a relationship with him in the future.  ¿Qué puedo hacer con mi padre usuario de drogas?Mi papa está usando drogas muy malas, y no estoy autorizada a verlo por lo que me puede hacer a mí y a mis hermanos.  Esto afecta mi vida tremendamente.  Me causa coraje  estrés.Parece que estas pasando por estados de luto, ya que el no poder ver a tu padre causa sentimientos similares a cuando hay una perdida.  Tal vez puedes escribirle cartas expresando tus sentimientos y esperanzas.  Pero comprende que si el está bajo la influencia de drogas puede que no sienta empatía o te responda como lo solía hacer.  Mientras el problema se resuelve busca un consejero o terapeuta que te ayude a trabajar en resolver los sentimientos de coraje y estrés, trabaja también en perdonarlo para que puedas tener una relación con él en el futuro.


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My dad is doing some really bad drugs, and I'm not allowed to see him anymore because of what he can do to me or my siblings on this drug. It has affected me tremendously in my life. It’s even caused me anger and stress.


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Focus more on your own life and less on the very heavy descriptors you wrote to describe your mom.All the words you wrote represent psychological conditions which are either lifelong or take a lot of motivation and effort to change.Since the only person who can change how your mom handles her life, is your mom, and you are the only one who can do the same for yourself, devote more energy and time to living your own life fully, despite the emotions you feel regarding her.


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I'm in my mid-twenties now, and my boyfriend of seven years and I want to start a life. My mother is 100% codependent on me and is extremely manipulative. She suffers from type 1 diabetes, which she uses to guilt me if I ever leave her. The problem is that I will feel guilty.


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How can I get my mother to listen to me without her freaking out?Communication with our loved ones can be tricky, but it is the key to maintaining a healthy and functional relationship with them. At times, it seems difficult to communicate with our family because many feelings and “undercover” messages are attached. Especially with our mothers, who often provide advice and feel responsible for us, it may feel like they are making everything about themselves as they express their worries and concerns.So what to do? First will be important to practice active listening skills, to ensure that you are receiving and understanding the message, without filtering it trough your own emotions or preconceptions of the person who speaks.  Second, learn and practice assertive communication skills.  Those will help you to communicate a message clearly and in pieces.  It also emphasizes using I-statements to express how you feel at times when emotions become affected by the interaction.  Third, you should practice, by writing your I-statement or role playing with your counselor.   The trick with communication skills is that we need to practice them as often as possible until you to master them.  You can also contact a family therapist to improve those skills if it becomes challenging, or contact a mediator if more issues arise.¿Cómo puedo lograr que mi mamá me escuche sin alarmarse tanto?La comunicación con nuestros seres queridos puede ser dificultosa, pero es la clave para mantener relaciones saludables y funcionales con ellos.  A veces, nos parece aun más difícil comunicarnos con nuestra familia, porque hay muchos sentimientos y mensajes envueltos en la comunicación.  Especialmente nuestras  madres,  pueden hacer parecer que están convirtiendo el asunto en algo personal, cuando se sienten preocupadas y responsables por nosotros y nuestras acciones.¿Y qué hacemos?  Primero debemos aprender a escuchar activamente, para asegurarnos de que comprendemos el mensaje, y que no lo estemos filtrando a través de nuestras emociones e ideas de la otra persona. Segundo, aprende y practica comunicación asertiva.  Esto te ayudara a comunicar un mensaje claramente y en pedazos.  También te ayudar a aprender expresiones del Yo, para identificar sentimientos afectados durante la interacción.  Tercero, es importante que practiques estas destrezas, ya sea escribiendo o con tu consejero.  El secreto está en practicar las técnicas de comunicación cuantas veces sea posible, hasta que las uses espontáneamente.  Si tienes dificultad aprendiendo estas técnicas, o el conflicto con tu mama es uno muy difícil de resolver, puedes contactar un consejero o mediador familiar para que te asista.


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My mother and I have an okay relationship. I know she loves me unconditionally, and I love her the same. However, more times than not, I'm afraid to tell her anything personal because she either doesn't listen, she turns it around and makes everything about her, or she ignores things - even when they are about my mental health.


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Could you tell her ?  What would happen if you said "Mom, I love you and I really want to share myself with you, but often I you get upset and I don't want that to happen. I really want to be able to talk to you."


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You are very wise for a young person. You have already figured out that other people's behaviours...how they treat you...it's not about you...it's about them. I love that you don't blame yourself for your mom's behaviours. It's not your fault. She's getting upset because she doesn't know how to manage her emotions, and these emotions have to do with her past and her present stress. You're just the trigger. Yes, this is normal, but it's not necessary. She can find another way to manage her "stuff".Unfortunately, you can't help your mom a whole lot or even help her recognize this. But for yourself... remembering that her behaviours are her issue is the biggest piece of "dealing with it". You can always try some new strategies when you talk to mom...you can say "I'll listen you better if you don't bring up past stuff", or "I'm worried about you mom. You seem stressed", or even "I don't like the way you talk to me". Good luck!


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It happens especially at me and my sister, and then she gets emotional and brings up the past. How should I deal with it? She is always stressed about her work and doesn't put her family first.


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Anger is a normal emotion, and yet it is a really hard one... how much is too much? and how do you express it without damaging those around you? yes mom's get angry, sometimes too easy... but its their responsibility to manage their anger-- get their own support and put themselves in time outs when they cannot handle it well.  Since you are the kids, you shouldn't have to fix or calm down mom's anger. Maybe in a calmer time when you guys are being silly talk with her one on one? Tell her  you are feeling sad and hurt that she gets upset at you girls. Ask her if there is 1 thing you can work on this next month to help her. Ask her if she would work on 1 thing for you this month-- not yelling? taking a time out? telling you before she blows her top so you can exit the room? Also for you, check out a library book on anger so you know how to handle yours, and one on parents and anger. Number one to remember, if you don't feel safe, if she is calling you names, or hurting you, breaking things etc. make sure you go to a trusted adult--school counselor, neighbor, aunt, church friend as soon as possible. You are much too important to be hurt and if mom is out of control, someone else needs to be --caring for you.


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Hello, and thank you for your question. Being bisexual can be particularly
difficult because it is often misunderstood, even by people who are “supposed”
to be part of your own community, such as lesbians and gays. It happens so
often that there is actually a term for it – 
bi-erasure. This is simply something that happens when people deny that
bisexuality is a real thing, or discriminate against bisexuals due to beliefs
like your parents seem to have. 
The unfortunate truth is that you can never
be sure of how you parents may take this kind of information. It sounds
promising that they are accepting of other sexual orientations, and it may
simply be that your parents lack education about bisexuality. With accurate
information, they may come around, but there is no way to be sure. 
Some of my colleagues have already given you good information. Here are some more things that you can consider
and questions you can ask yourself before making the decision to tell them:
 
1.      If they don’t respond the way you want them to, have you developed a support
system to support you through it? This is very important. The truth is that all
the friends in the world won’t prevent pain or sadness if your parents don’t
respond as you hope, but they will at least be there to remind you that you ARE
okay as you are. And that is critical for you to remember. 
 
2.      There is great information on the internet about bisexuality that you can
offer your parents if you think it would be helpful. It may be important for
them to know the kind of damage that is being done to bisexual adults and young
people because of the myths surrounding bisexuality. Here is an article from
GLAAD about bi-erasure: http://www.glaad.org/bisexual/bierasure
 
3.      Coming out to people is obviously deeply personal and should only take
place when you are ready. Sometimes people get pressured from friends, media,
and even people they are romantically involved with to come out before they are
ready. It really is up to you. If you are feeling pressure from others, don’t
feel bad about setting your boundaries and telling them that you will come out
on your own time. Intimate partners should respect you enough to understand
this. 
 
4.      Something else to think about is your own comfort in being bisexual. Just
because someone is LGBTQ doesn’t mean that they necessarily want to be. Many
people struggle with this. Having
your own doubts or insecurities may also play a part in how comfortable you are
in telling your parents. So, perhaps do some self-exploration about your
feelings toward yourself. 
 
Sometimes people take friends with them
when they decide to come out to their parents. This is something you may want
to consider. The important thing to remember is that you are okay. Really. If
your parents don’t respond well, that doesn’t mean that they never will. Some
start off upset, but then work their way through it. 
Best of luck to you. 
Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC


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My parents seem okay with other sexualities, but normally they only talk about being gay. When they do talk about bisexuality, they say things like “they'll do anything” or things that make me very uncomfortable because I am bisexual. I don't know if I am ready to come out to them.


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Coming out to family members can cause a lot of anxiety. However,  although I cannot promise what their reaction will be, the benefit is that you will no longer have to hide who you are. Perhaps researching or getting information on bisexuality can help your family understand what it truly is to be bisexual. Many times,  people are just not educated on certain things.


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Perhaps you are not ready to come out to your parents.  Often times our readiness is not dependent on what others' will say or how they react. But more so dependent on how emotionally prepared we are to deal with others' reactions.  It may be beneficial for you to play out each possible scenario and conclusion (eg. your parents being supportive vs. your parents being disappointed and so on). How are you prepared to deal with the outcome?  You may also seek help through counselors, support groups and/or individuals you know that have dealt with similar situations to help you prepare to discuss this with your parents.  All the best!


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Hello, and thank you for your question. This is one of those times when you wish you could assure someone that everything will go perfectly, but unfortunately I can't do that. There is no way of knowing how parents might respond until you tell them. The truth is that people have come out to their parents in many different ways. Some have told their parents directly, some drop hints, some have had others tell their parents, etc. The only "right" way to come out is the one that you choose. The one that feels right to you. That is the best way. Some people decide not to come out, and some wait for a very long time. Both of these things are okay. Coming out is deeply personal, and there can be real consequences to someone's emotional health and safety if they tell the wrong person. That is why it should only be done when you are ready. When you feel that you have the emotional and personal support that you need to take the risk. Sometimes people can feel pressured to come out, but I encourage you to do it in your own time. The truth is, there is a spectrum of how people's parents react to this kind of news. On one end, you may have the parents who shut a person out and are abusive, and on the opposite side you may have parents that are totally okay with it and throw you a "Coming Out" party. Most parents are going to fall somewhere in the middle. It is important to remember that their feelings may change over time. Many parents struggle at first, but they love their kids and get better with it over time. If you decide to tell them, consider taking someone along to support you. Plan ahead on what you want to say. It can be an emotional time, so do what you need to do to take care of yourself. If you need to, leave. You don't have to stay anywhere where someone is being cruel to you. I wish you well, and good luck.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC


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I'm in love with my own gender, and my parents are against that. I don't know how to tell them because I'm afraid they'll not want me anymore.


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This is a common issue. You grow up gradually, and parents often forget to shift their habitual responses according to your newfound level of maturity and growing need for freedom and independance. I'm all for helping you find new ways to cope and interact with your mom. Ultimately, you only have control over yourself, so that's the place to start. You can remind yourself that Mom's behaviours don't mean that she doesn't trust you or love you; it's just that she has habitual ways of talking to you that seem stuck in the fourteen year old range. If you can see her responses as habits, rather than a reflection of how she feels about you, then you can keep yourself calm. The more calm you are, the more she will buy into it when you invite her into a different sort of relationship. Take a look at the picture from her perspective. She may feel overwhelmed with finances (are you in college?), and feel burdened by the mundane tasks in life that she doesn't know how to recruit help for. I bet your mom spends a lot of time picking up after you, cleaning, cooking, doing laundry...all those thankless mom tasks. Take a look at how she talks to you... is she nagging about chores? Can you see that underneath the nagging there's a pretty overwhelmed and powerless person who needs assistance?  Okay, so my guess is that you both have a legitimate beef. She wants help. You want respect. Let's talk about how you get both.I propose that you sit down with mom and negotiate out a different sort of dynamic. "Mom...I see us as stuck in how we interacted when I was fourteen. Can we do this differently in a way that we both get what we want?" Sell it as "win-win". Then you write down some things that end up forming a contract. The first part is stuff that's your business and your business alone: things you want your mom to respect, like your room, your school, your job, your personal relationships and hygiene.... Mom's voice has no place in these arenas, unless you are storing food in your room and it's a health hazard. This is a "Mom says nothing about" list. The second part is about what Mom needs from you. What are her expectations about your role in the home as an adult. Does she want you to contribute to rent? Buy your own food? Do your own laundry? What items can we put in your control that would take some burden off of Mom? How will these things be enforced? What will happen if you don't follow through? Write it all down so it's really clear. It has to all be mutually agreed upon.The third part of the conversation is about how she talks to you, and how you talk to her. You can let her know that you don't want to be told what to do or when to do it; that doesn't work when you're 20 years old. Listen to what she wants too. Beyond the contract you've just written up, anything else you want from each other is a request, it's optional, and whether and when you do it is at your discretion. My guess is that if she spoke to you with more respect, you'd be more willing to help out. AND, I think if you participated a bit more she would nag at you less. Go for the win-win. I wish you well as you negotiate a new relationship with Mom. :)


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My mom is always bossy and treats me like a child even though I'm in my 20s. She argues with me over stupid stuff.


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You undoubtedly are carrying a huge weight on your shoulders. Stressors come in many forms and you are engulfed in a few of the major ones as it relates to dealing with the declining health of your father, family conflict, as well as trying to balance a work and school schedule. Stress, if left unchecked has many negative health related implications. First and foremost I would recommend going to see a counselor at your college/university. Most colleges have counseling centers for students that usually allow for 5-6 free counseling sessions (your tuition actually pay for these sessions so take advantage of them). Secondly I would advise you to take a minute and breathe. When confronted with overwhelming life issues it is common to busy ourselves in an attempt to distract ourselves from the drama, but sometimes that can compound our stress. When dealing with stress it is important that you engage in self care. In other words find time to engage in activities that bring you a sense of peace, enjoyment, and fulfillment in order that you may get a momentary release from your daily hectic life. Even with a normal life there is no way to escape stress, it is inevitable and a part of life, but how you deal with stress, as well as how you take care of yourself in the midst of these whirlwind events will determine your quality of life. I hope this helps...


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I work two jobs and go to school for criminal justice. Over the summer, my father had a stroke. It was very devastating. My father isn't the same, and my family fights every day. I have been kicked out the house many times. I break down a lot.


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You as the child in the middle of your parents' problems is the worse position to be in.  I can only imagine your hurt, pain and confusion on what to do.  Honestly, this is a hard question to answer without knowing your age, your parents' ability to handle hearing information from you and your maturity to handle what may happen in the end.  One thing I would like to note....your parents may be in the same house but if your mother is cheating, they have already gone their separate ways.


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I saw my mother cheating on my dad before. I said something to her, and she said it was in the past. Yesterday, I saw her texting dirty things to the same guy. Should I talk to her again? I don't want my parents to go their separate ways, I just want her to stop. it's not fair.


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Hi Troy, I totally get this. It's a dilemma; you want your dad to know how he's hurting you but you don't feel safe enough to say anything to him. Your reaction is understandable; it's his responsibility as a parent to work harder than you to create that safe place for you to be open. But that's not who your dad is. Your dad is your dad, and waiting for him to change won't really help. Nothing you do can change your dad, but...there are things you can do for yourself and your relationship with him. While your response of avoiding him is understandable, I wonder what effect it has on your dad. It's possible that he's feeling frustrated, rejected and punished by your withdrawal. You may think he knows that you're feeling hurt, but he probably doesn't. So this is the squirrel chasing its tail: your dad is rude, so your habit is to be silent, then he maybe feels abandoned and frustrated. His frustration comes out as more rudeness, which makes you want to withdraw more, and the cycle starts all over again. You can't change his part of the cycle but you can change yours.Are you willing to take a risk? Can you be honest about how you're feeling? What's the worst thing that could happen if you said to your dad "You know why I avoid you? I stay silent because when I talk to you say rude things. So if you want me to talk, I need to know you can listen." I imagine it would come out differently because you're a few generations younger than me, but put that into your own words.I don't know the level of your dad's 'rudeness'. If he is abusive, then a better plan is to see a therapist alone or talk to someone about this. I don't want to put you at any risk. But if you don't worry your dad will hurt you, maybe give honesty a try.My point is that, as rude as your dad may be, checking out of a relationship by being silent is also rude. It's powerful...your silence. Your dad can't read your mind, and if you want things to be better you will need to get in that ring with him.And, if you're both open to it, seeing a therapist together can be really helpful. :)


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I avoid talking to him because he always makes me more upset. I can't be honest with him about anything because he is always rude to me.


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Congrats on your upcoming grandchild!Does your daughter want you to break news of her pregnancy, to the family?Talk with your daughter first, whether or not she would like you to tell other family members.Also, given the other facts you mention in your post, if household and financial management are areas you feel your daughter is vulnerable, then bring up these topics too.Stay open minded about your daughter having views which are different from yours.


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She is living with her boyfriend of seven years. He is in therapy for depression and social anxiety. He hasn't worked in all this time.


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Hi New York, There is no need for shame here; no one's done anything wrong! A pregnancy is a glorious gift to be celebrated. I wonder what gets in the way of you celebrating your daughter's pregnancy? Are they excited about it? I bet they are. They've been together for seven years. Even if it caught them off guard, the best thing for them and this new baby is to celebrate the joy of this new little person and their growing family. If you are happy for them and help spread their joy, how marvelous would that be for them as a family?New York, I will be honest with you; I hope that's okay. I sense that maybe you are feeling judgemental towards them. Do you dislike or judge his struggle with mental illness? Do you see him as less than worthy because he hasn't worked? I don't know for sure, but I imagine maybe his anxiety and depression get in the way of working. Maybe he's on a social disability? Mental illness doesn't make someone less lovable or valuable as a partner. He's getting help for himself and that's wonderful. If your daughter loves him and is happy with him... If he is her chosen man, then they absolutely need your support, not your judgement. And if they struggle as a couple, you know what...they will need it even more!Is this your first grandchild? If not, then I don't have to say this, but if it is...you are in for the most amazing adventure of your lifetime. You will fall in love so deeply with this child. S/he needs that...this baby needs your love and support.So, you say to your family... "I have amazing news! My daughter is expecting a baby! I'm going to be a grandparent!! I can't wait".


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Hi Morristown,There's a saying that goes "hurt people hurt people". It's possible that your aggression towards your friends is connected to your mother's behaviours. When we are treated poorly, especially as children, it affects how we ourselves, others, and the world. It's also powerful modelling of aggressive behaviour. The good news is that you have this lovely awareness and I think a desire to learn about yourself and grow in your ability to be respectful to people you care about. I recommend you consider sitting down with a therapist and exploring these ideas and moving forward on that path you seem to want to be on. Good luck!


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I keep being mean to my best friend, and I don't know why all the time. I did come to maybe some kind of conclusion that it is because my mother is mean to me all the time. Could that be a cause?


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How someone feels when they forgive another, is at peace with themselves and their understanding of what went wrong, who was responsible for what in the situation, and clarity on their own motivation, actions, emotions including pain, regret, resentment, sadness.These steps ideally allow a new door to open in order to develop new paths in the existing relationship or accept that this will not be possible due to either person's way of handling themselves.The long answer would be that you're not yet through with this process.I commend you on being truthful with yourself about yourself.You're on the right track by expecting to feel resolved when you've reached resolution, and not before.Finding patience with the unpredictable amount of time needed to thoroughly examine all the details of the incidents you mention, sometimes is a frustration of its own.Keep up your good work of knowing your own life.It is a worthwhile endeavor!


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My mom made a lot of mistakes a couple years back, and I can't seem to forgive her. I want to say that it's okay, but I can't. I feel like even if I did forgive her, I wouldn't be able to say it to her face.


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Hi Cleveland, I think I get what you're feeling. You're scared that if you forgive your mom, that would mean it wasn't so bad, or she'll think it's okay to do it again, or she won't realize how hurt you are. I invite you to look at forgiveness in a different way. Forgiveness doesn't have to mean what she did was okay. Not at all. Forgiveness can mean "I accept what she did, and I don't want to live in her worst moments constantly. I want to put it down and move past it because I want her in my life, because fear and resentment interfere with my relationship with her, and mostly because I'm tired of carrying them (fear and resentment) around constantly."You can forgive your mom for yourself, not for her.  If there is evidence that your mom wants to respect you moving forward, then it might be worth it to risk putting down the resentment and the grudge that you think you need to protect yourself.  Your ability to draw boundaries with her in the present is your biggest protector; let her know in the present what hurts you, and notice her responses.You don't have to say it to her face. Saying it to yourself is more important. Again, forgiving your mom helps you...it reduces your own burden of fear and resentment, leaving space for better things.


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The best way to work on a relationship is for both people to engage with the problem and start communicating with each other more effectively.  One of the hardest things about this, however, is getting both people within the relationship to recognize that they are both responsible for the successes and failures within the relationship and remove all the all-or-nothing blame. The best style of communication is open and asking for clarification; why not try asking your mother why this particular fight/situation is eliciting such an angry response.  Often, the simple act of expressing that we don't understand the other person's point of view can open the doors to better levels of communication. The hardest part is trying to remain humble as we seek out that clarification and avoid the blaming language we are so used to using in such times.


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Hi Zionsville. It's so sweet that you have a special relationship with your brother. You will ALWAYS have that, you know? He's doing what's natural at his age...spreading his wings and looking for love. You may be heading into that zone soon too, but I get that it's weird that he's there before you, and you miss him.Try to respect your brother's autonomy, wish him well, be friendly with his girlfriend, and it's also okay to say "Hey, bro, I'm still here. When can we hang out!?"


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I am a teenager, and my brother is a few years older. He has a girlfriend who is always with him. He never hangs out with me anymore. We were really close, and it is making me really sad.


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It is always hard when we feel as if we are losing somebody close to us. Feeling sad over these losses are normal. While there may be some things you can do to remedy this situation, it is important that you try and understand that part of life is change. The fact that your brother doesn't spend as much time with you doesn't mean that he loves you less or doesn't care about you. It most likely means that he is having to split his time between different people and priorities. I suggest that you communicate with him how you feel. Perhaps, ask him if he would be able to set up times that the two of you can hang out, without anyone else present. Addionally, it wouldn't hurt for you to also find some other ways to spend your time away from him. Now might be the perfect opportunity to pick up a new hobby or hang out with different peers. Keeping yourself distracted in healthy ways and processing your feelings of sadness will likely help with lifting your mood. Good luck to you!


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Hi Florida,I get the sense that, aside from this relationship, you're quite isolated in general. It's sad that you're feeling excluded at Christmastime and family events. While I would suggest that you don't really know what he or his family are thinking or feeling (you assume they're against you, and that he doesn't care), he is certainly behaving in a very distant, excluding manner and it's understandable that you would feel rejected and hurt. How long has this part been happening? Has he always acted this way, or is it more recent? Did something happen recently? You mentioned doing "stupid things to yourself", and I don't know what that means. If you are engaging in self-harm he may be confused about what to do and he might need some time to think and be separate but is having trouble talking about this. Part of the problem, of course, is that you don't know what's going on for him. Certainly, you deserve the truth, and if he doesn't want to spend time with you, I would hope he would be honest. Have you been open to hearing the truth from him? Is there any reason for him to hesitate to tell you why he's being distant? Maybe you could ask him, if you are ready to hear.I'm glad to hear that you believe that you deserve a full, loving relationship, although it seems that moving forward might be difficult for you. Is it possible your happiness is a bit too dependant on this man? I'm just guessing, based on what you've said here.  It seems that it's possible your situation has led to some depression, and I would recommend a session with a qualified therapist to help you sort this out. You will need support, even if the relationship is repaired. Best of luck.


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I've been hurt by a man for five years. He doesn't involve me with the family or kids. Everyone in the family is against me. There is a Mass today for a family member, and he never asked me to go. I'm to sit home alone now and Christmas too. He expects me to sit alone while he enjoys being with the family. We are in our 50s, and it hurts that he won't even think of me or involve me as part of the family. He doesn't even care. I am leaving him as soon as possible, but I hurt so bad that I didn't know who to turn too. I'm now in this low funk of depression, and I'm scared because I do stupid things to myself and give up. I have no friends because I was a truck driver. I've been getting serious headaches and can't sleep. I don't eat; I've lost my appetite. This has been going on for a couple weeks now.


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Do you have a close friend or relative who's opinion you trust? Ask them for their honest feedback and if they see you like your cousin does. If they don’t see these qualities in you, then it may be your cousin’s issue and she’s taking it out on you. You can always ask her what would be the best way to communicate plans with her so you know, specifically, what she is expecting. Then if you meet these expectations and she still blames you and comments on how inconsiderate you are, it's her issue and she is not coming from a place of love.Even if you do resemble her comments, the way it sounds like she approaches this problem is not out of love. The fact that you're introspective enough to consider your own behavior suggests the problem is not with you.


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Hello, I have a cousin in my family who has been making me feel belittled, insecure, and frustrated during her stay here in the city. I know she comes from a place of love, but she has always been short-fused and highly temperamental if something doesn't work out the way she planned it. I have tried my best to coordinate plans with her, but she always ends up frustrated about the lack of communication I seem to have on my part and then makes condescending comments about my character that include: inconsiderate, negative, oblivious, and self consumed.    I have tried to talk to her openly about this, but it always comes back as an attack on my character and I have never heard these comments from anyone else before. I have been thinking a lot about her comments and whether I truly am an inconsiderate person who is not thoughtful, spatially aware of surroundings/people, or positive, but in the end, I am feeling awfully hurt about how this has affected our relationship.    What can I do?


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It sounds like you are feeling pretty criticized by your cousin and at the same time you are wondering whether or not there is some truth in what she is saying. It also sounds like you would like to see if you can find a new way to relate to your cousin, so that your relationship can be more satisfying. If you can find a competent therapist to work with, there may be a great deal of opportunity to learn more about how you relate to people in the world and to learn strategies to show up in your relationship with your cousin in a way that feels right to you.


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I understand that this can be difficult when you care about someone. Have you had a discussion with your mom as to why she does not want you and this boy to see each other, and what her concerns are? It sounds as though you and your mom may be able to use some help with communicating, and compromising. It is understandable that you do not to feel comfortable having  to lie to your mom. It  would be helpful if she could understand that you having to lie to he is getting in the way of you being able to go to her with any issue and  feel she will hopefully understand or try to understand where you are coming from.  Have either one of you been in family therapy? This may be something you may want to suggest to your mom to help you both understand where each one is coming from. If your mood is sad, and your feeling worse, it is important that you reach out to an adult, parent, person at school whom you trust to share your feelings and help you feel understood and work through your problems.


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I use to be so happy. No matter what, I always was happy. I got into a relationship with this guy. I love him so much. We’re both teenagers. The week after his birthday, my mom made me stop talking to him. It broke me. He came to my house and talked to her, and she let us date again but not see each other. He comes up to my school every day and it tears me apart that I have to lie to her.


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Hi Los Angeles, I can tell you have a moral backbone because it's hurting you to lie to your mom. I always say that a little bit of guilt is healthy because it teaches us who we want to be. Listen to that voice. You don't have to lie to your mom to get what you want.Now, you don't say how old you are, so part of my answer is going to be a bit vague. There's a big difference between being thirteen and your mom telling you what to do and being nineteen and your mom telling you what to do. The thing is that moms and dads start out making all your decisions for you when you're small, and they're supposed to, very gradually, give that control over to you. Different parents do this at different speeds, but in general you have to earn that freedom and trust...it's not just gonna be handed over to you. You might not like this part...your parent has the right to make the rules. My guess is there's a reason why mom is holding you back. Even if it doesn't make sense to you, breaking her rules isn't going to get you what you want...which is freedom, right? I guarantee you that mom wants you to eventually earn freedom...but she's not supposed to give it to you until you're ready because her first job is to keep you safe. I like that your mom has limits for you. Too many parents are sort of looking the other way, busy with their own thing. Whether you know it or not, you need protection like all kids do (appropriate for your age, of course).It sounds like what you want to say to your mom is "I want to make my own decisions about who I spend time with". That's a normal wish, and I encourage you to say that to her. Depending on your age and whether you've earned it, she might listen. So, you're sending her that message that you want to send, but you're doing it in a sneaky way, and that's not going to go well when she finds out. It's called "passive aggressive" when you say something with a sneaky behaviour rather than with words. It's not a very healthy way of sending a message, because people feel disrespected. My guess is that your best bet is to be honest with mom, stop the sneaking around and come up with a detailed plan of how you're going to earn your freedom...eventually. She might listen to that.


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The situation in your family seems to place unnecessary pressure on you.Are you and your parents able to talk together about their reason for their standard?Are your parents willing to listen to your reasons to not play on the team you hate?If yes, then maybe some type of compromise is possible for all of you to negotiate.If none of the above is possible, then you may want to get specific and direct advice from a professional, such as the school guidance counselor or psychologist, whom you'd trust and feel safe in talking.I hope you and your parents will find an answer that all of you are happy to accept.


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I'm applying to private high schools. I'm playing basketball on my school team currently, and I love it. I also play on a team that I've hated since the beginning, and I finally want to quit before the season gets started. However, my parents say I can play on either both teams or neither. I think it's unfair because it's up to me if I want to play for a certain team. I was planning on playing basketball for the high school I get into, but if that means continuing to play for the team I hate, then I wouldn't want to play in high school. Now I don't know what to do! My parents are threatening to send me off to a different home if I don't play. I just want to run away.


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Thanks for the question. Regardless of whether or not you are sensitive, it is okay to want better communication with those who are important to you. When we feel that we are being talked down to or being ridiculed, it is difficult to not take it personally. It sounds like you have taken the first and necessary step in resolving this by bringing up the issue to him. Is it possible that the delivery of your message is causing him to feel blamed or defensive? Try communicating with him during a time when you are not upset and when it is out of context. Begin your statements with "I" as opposed to "you." For example, you can tell him, "I feel angry when you raise your voice at me" instead of "You always yell at me." Also, avoid using black and white terms such as never and always. Additionally, offer sugggestions as to ways that he can better communicate with you. Maybe he just doesn't know how to. Lastly, when delivering a message, I like to use the sandwich method by starting off the discussion with something postive and ending it with something postive. For example, you may say something to the effect of:"Dad, I enjoy the discussions we share and really value your opinion. There are times that I feel angry when you talk to me aggressively. Perhaps you can try talking to me using a calmer tone when I bring up heated topics. Let's try and work on this together. I will try to be less sensitive and I am asking that you be more calm."I hope you find this useful!


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I am always arguing with my father. He gets stressed over work and health and talks to me in a tone of voice that seems very demanding and seems more like yelling. I get upset often at this. Am I too sensitive? He always says I am overreacting but never seems to understand that he is hurting my feelings. No matter how often I try to tell him this, he never listens.


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Hi. I appreciate your mature instincts and strong efforts to draw clear boundaries in this very complex situation. I agree that it sounds like the adult drama is unnecessary and potentially will affect the children. Children need adults around them to act maturely, cooperatively and peacefully even when they don't like each other; it helps them feel secure and lets them focus on learning and growing. Your ex-boyfriend seems more focused on his own needs. In fact, he demonstrates behaviours that are aggressive, controlling and manipulative, bordering on 'parental alienation'. I agree this is a problem.I also appreciate how protective you are of yourself at this vulnerable time with the pregnancy. It's not unusual for pregnancy to trigger a need to conserve energy and reduce stress. Honour this instinct you have. I will suggest a few things to you. First, to gather support around you, professionally if you need it, from family and friends, and certainly from your husband. If you two are on the same page regarding the children issues and your ex, that will help. He can help run interference when it comes to his daughter. It will help you feel supported.Know that your ex's behaviours aren't happening because you did anything wrong; it's the way he operates (and maybe this is why you're not with him?). You can't change him, but you can stop blaming yourself for his immaturity and aggression. You're correct that he will always be there, and you can both accept this fact and also find ways to manage the situation.Keep on defining clear boundaries! You might sound like a broken record ("You'll have to talk to my husband about that"), but that's okay. It's okay to ignore his efforts to pull you into an argument or power struggle. It's okay to not respond to texts or other communications that aren't vitally important. It's okay to not let him into your house if it makes you uncomfortable. It's okay to not engage with him more than is necessary.Regarding his manipulative behaviours that reflect a tendency to keep your daughter from you, I recommend you document these behaviours and incidents carefully and fully. Let him know what your expectations are, simply and clearly and in writing ("our agreement states X, and you are not following our agreement"). Your daughter doesn't have to be aware; I think you already understand that she needs to be protected from the adult conflict.A professional therapist can help you with all of this. I hope this helps get you started towards greater peace, at least within yourself. :)


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I am constantly having problems with the same two people who will always be in my life. I had a daughter with my ex-boyfriend. I am now married, and my husband’s ex-girlfriend is involved with my ex-boyfriend. They also have a daughter together. My issue is that there is always drama. I am pregnant, and I told my ex-boyfriend that I don't want any drama or arguments. I want to get along as much as possible, and he agreed. However, we just had an incident where my ex-boyfriend started discussing drop-off details about my stepdaughter. I told him that he needed to ask my husband because I can't make decisions about my stepdaughter regarding the matter. That led to an argument. I told him all my concern is when I pick up my daughter. My stepdaughter’s pick-up details are between my husband and his ex-girlfriend. I especially told him I didn't want to be involved. Somehow, he turned it around and then wanted to change the schedule we agreed on. He threatened me and got ugly because I wouldn’t discuss my stepdaughter’s matters with him.
   The point is there is so much drama. I try my best to get along with everyone. I don't understand where I went wrong (besides replying back to his question). I feel like I'm going crazy because this is a constant battle where everyone’s frustrations are taken out on each other, and it's the children that are hurting. I had a party planned for my daughter’s birthday, and my ex-boyfriend told me to cancel those plans because he wouldn’t let me have her. In my eyes, it’s the child that is hurting. I was throwing a party for her birthday, and because of the problem with stupid pick-up details about my stepdaughter, which I have no control over, he took it out on our daughter.


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Attention is not equal to love and being valued. It may be precisely because your brothers demand so much more your mom's attention through fighting with her that she pays more attention to them. It is a common situation in families where the "squeaky wheel gets the grease" and the siblings or family members who don't demand as much attention end up feeling invisible. It sucks to feel invisible and it is important that there is attention for you and that you know how much your mom loves and values you.  This sounds like an important conversation to have with your mom and if she is not able to really understand or help you address this concern you may want to suggest doing some family therapy where a skilled therapist can help you and your family work this out.


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She treats me like I'm not in her presence. She’s always yelling at me for no reason. She gives more respect to my brothers than me, but only my brothers fight her while I respect her.


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Hi, This sounds like a very challenging and upsetting problem - good for you for reaching out! My first thought is, these two adults may have a sleep disorder that could be contributing to the urination in inappropriate places. Since they are adults, and you can't force them to seek treatment,  you might be able to suggest that there could be an underlying medical issue and advise they speak with a medical provider. . As far as what to do for yourself - set some firm boundaries. Be clear about the expectations of your home. Also include the positive and negative consequences should they decide to address or avoid this issue. I hope this helps you, your family members, and the pets!


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I am having a problem with extended family members who are inappropriately urinating in my home. They are peeing in cat litter boxes, bottles, and directly on floors and in corners of my house.
 Is there any literature that supports why such adults would behave this way? This is not a joke. I am trying to understand.


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If your wife is willing, seek out a qualified couples therapist! Look for one trained in the Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy. Your relationship is repairable, but you may need some qualified support in the process.


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I am married to a beautiful lady. I love my wife with all my heart. We have 3 boys and I have a daughter from a previous marriage. We also have 3 grandchildren. Now this event is tearing us apart. I want our family to be together and happy. It was a mistake from so long ago. My wife wants to leave and I don't want that to happen I love her so much. Please help me save my marriage. Even my 3 boys want us to work it out. They love us both and want our family together. Please give me some advice or hope. Sincerely heart broken.


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Thank you for your question. Trust is a huge thing in relationships and when that is broken, or perceived as being broken, it takes a long time to repair. From what you shared, it sounds like your boyfriend took steps to correct the situation and has shown to be trustworthy since. Unfortunately, no matter how much we apologize for something we did or for something others perceive we did, there will always be those with hardened hearts and will not forgive. If you feel confident in your relationship, then trust your inner wisdom. We cannot control others but only ourselves. Respect your families wishes to remain in unforgiveness while at the same time, ask them to respect your wish to believe in him and be in this relationship. Good luck to you.


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I started dating a guy I met online. He told me that he registered sex offender but he didn't do anything. He took a plea to always register as sex offender and he did two years. That was more than two decades ago. Nothing on his record since. I always believe the past should be left in past. But my roommates, their family and my son are unforgiving. Should I forgive this man that I'm falling in love with or should I dump him? If I stay with him I will never see my family and granddaughter again.


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I think it would be wise for you to call a hotline especially designed for children. It's called the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline. The number is 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453). It is completely anonymous and a trained therapist will be able to provide you with guidance, confidentiality, and can also help you make a report of you want.The call is completely free and they are open 24 hours a day / 7 days a week. I'm glad that you are taking steps to improve your situation. You are a very brave and an intelligent child. Please remember to call 911 if you are in immediate danger.


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I'm having issues with my relative. The police never believe the experiences I have been through because I am only a kid. 
   I've even had trouble trying to reach a therapist because I said I wanted to get an adult to help me. Could you please give me advice?


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It sounds to me like you have had a lot going on and now you are afraid you are going to lose the last things you care about, your pets. I do not know what all is going on in your family, and I cannot answer for your dad’s actions or his reasoning behind this.I would recommend that you focus on developing healthy coping skills. We cannot change what others do but we can change how what they do affects us. If you have all of your emotions and all of yourself tied up into one thing (like your pets) then when that thing is taken away it causes a lot of emotional distress. It is really good to have a wide variety of interests such as friends, hobbies, games, etc. Develop other things that you care about and are passionate about.Another reason for developing healthy coping skills to deal with whatever might be going on in your life is if you don’t have healthy ones, you may develop some very unhealthy ones. You have to cope somehow, right? Developing unhealthy ways of coping with life is only going to make life more difficult for you.I don’t know if this is what it is like for you at your house, but there are two kinds of household environments that can cause dysfunction in children. One is when you grow up in a very rigid stern household where all decisions are made for you and you feel like you have no control over anything. The other is a household where things were chaotic and you never knew what was going to happen next and had no stability. People need to have some stability in their lives and need to feel in control over some things in order to feel safe. Both of these environments can lead you to develop some unhealthy ways of coping with life. Please talk to a trusted adult about your feelings before it gets any worse.


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The last of my emotions belong to my pets. Today my dad said he might get rid of them tomorrow. If that does happen I might dig hole in the ground with a paper that says "here lays my emotions. R.I.P." I practically have no emotions left and I came to the realization about this not being normal by comparing my reaction to certain situations to my family's. What's wrong with me?


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It sounds like keeping the secrets has become a problem for you now. There are several things to consider before you make a decision.- You mentioned that you don't want your wife and mom to know because you don't want to hurt them – why would it hurt them? - Is it necessary for them to know this information?- What are the consequences of either telling them the truth or not telling them? (for you and for your wife and mom).- Once you have considered these, think of what you would tell your friend if they were in your exact situation?- Also, if your wife or mom were in your situation right now, what do you think they would do themselves?- If your wife and mom were in this situation, how would you feel? Would you want to know the secrets?- How has keeping these secrets affected your own mental and physical health?Once you have looked at the problem from all angles, you will be able to better make a decision on whether it is right to tell them or not.


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I have secrets in my mind, and I don't know what to do with them. I don't want to tell my wife and mom because I don't want to hurt them. But I'm not sure how long that I can keep the secret to myself. What should I do? It's becoming annoying and making me anxious. Help me out


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For how long has the arguing been occurring and does it relate to a specific incident or circumstance in your relationship?Arguing due to temporary stress and feeling lost or uncertain, is different than the two of you rarely agree on what foods to buy at the grocery store.In both temporary or longer term arguing, ask yourself if the points being argued are core principles of yours or matters which you can accept in service to the benefits you feel from the marriage.If your core principles are rejected, you’ve been arguing for an extended amount of time, and the value of the marriage doesn’t outweigh this, then seriously consider if ending the relationship is a better option than to stay in it.


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This is a fantastic question. In one sentence, I would say the following:Recognize that while you and your partner probably have common interests and areas of commonality, you are separate people, each with different wants, wishes, and desires – if you consider a diagram of two overlapping circles, they may share perhaps a third of the circle with overlap to indicate commonality (could be more or less) and then there are parts of the circles that are not overlapping, indicating separate interestsAs for ways that may strengthen any relationship, even the great ones, this is what came to mind. There are certainly more specific unique answers or elements for different people as far as the details, but here are some general ideas:Try to have at least 15 minutes a week where you are spending time together and not problem-solvingRealize that listening to your partner does not mean that you are agreeing with them, it just means that you are saying that you hear where they are coming fromLearn to hold on to your own wants, wishes, and desires while also recognizing those of your partnerSet boundaries for what is and isn't acceptable behavior during an argument or difficult discussionDiscuss how having important discussions can be anxiety-producing and consider having an understanding that if one of you (or both of you) feels overwhelmed, you can take a timeout for a certain amount of time. For example, you may say "okay, I'm feeling really stressed about this right now. Let's discuss it in an hour." And at that time, go back to the discussionConsider what your partner's top three or four complaints about you may be. Check in with them and see how accurate you are. If you see validity in their responses, consider whether or not you may want to make changesDiscover what makes your partner feel loved, valued, appreciated, or specialRelationships are always in progress and constantly changing. Some anxiety around change is typical. Being able to effectively discuss the anxiety and actually listen to one another without being defensive, name calling, finger-pointing, or asking each other to change is a true gift.You may enjoy this quote: "Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment." ~Brene Brown


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What a great question! Marriage (or any long-term committed romantic relationship) is never easy. Ups & downs, doubts and fights are a part of it just the same as the wonderful, tender, blissful moments of connection. Recognizing that hardships are normal and something to work through is a big part of the healthy attitude partners in lasting relationships share. Some degree of conflict is not something to be scared of or a sign it's time to break up as long as all parties involved feel respected. Expressing your needs and wants in a respectful, not accusing manner will increase the chances that your loved one will actually listen, empathize with your perspective and will be more open to finding solutions to your problems together. Working as a team to find solutions to problems you encounter is a much better approach than trying to persuade your partner that you are right, while they are most certainly wrong. Shutting your partner out or allowing resentment and contempt to creep into your relationships is definitely a warning sign that things may not be going the way you want anymore. As long as you both agree that you want to be in that relationship (i.e., are committed to it) and you have a growth mindset ("we will learn from this and grow together to be a better couple in the end"), the foundation of your partnership is strong. What else? Making time for each other, whether it's being playful, having fun or enjoying intimate moments together is also an important part of ensuring a good balance of positive to negative experiences, that will only strenghten your bond. Good luck!


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A resource I think is helpful to learn more about "what makes a good marriage" and steps toward doing so is Dr. John Gottman's book: "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." Dr. Gottman is a leader in this field and has done extensive studies with couples to determine what behaviors are key in making a marriage work and what behaviors could predict divorce. I think this book might be a good start if you're wanting to learn more about how to have a long lasting relationship.


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It's surprising how many folks talk too much on the subject;It's the same three things that make all relationships work:HonestyTrustRespect(in that order)Most folks fall down on the first :) (*coughcough* THERAPISTS!  Heh heh heh...)


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Thank you for your question.  A good Marriage is one that takes hard work and commitment.  Being in a good marriage does not always mean good times because let's face it; we are dealing with 2 unique individuals with differences.  A good spouse or partner knows to be patient and accepting.  Knowing each other's strengths and imperfections and working with them to lift each other is how you strengthen your love for one another.  A good spouse sacrifices their needs to see the other person happy.  Don't get me wrong, that also means that it is important to have alone time to re-charge and re-focus our purpose in the marriage.  In all, there is not a magic recipe for a successful marriage, but with time, work and purpose one can have a happy one.


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In addition to suggesting this great read from 2016 (but feels timeless):https://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/29/opinion/sunday/why-you-will-marry-the-wrong-person.html?_r=0I will give my summary on what the author of the article is speaking to: don't get too comfortable. But, in truth, no one really has the answer to your question, otherwise wouldn't we all have a "good" marriage? Also, what even is a "good marriage?" What is it that YOU want from a marriage, a relationship, a partner, and what your other-half also wants for themselves, is going to be what defines all of this, because every relationship is different.And in answering that "what YOU want" question, you might actually stumble upon what would make for a healthy relationship: vulnerability. You will have to be vulnerable to be able to explore what you really want, and listen to what your partner really wants, as that kind of processing can be uncomfortable. But, with vulnerability comes intimacy, and in most opinions, there is much of a relationship if there isn't much intimacy.


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In my mind, a healthy marriage has two participants, meaning both people participate equally in the intimate connection of marriage. An unequal participation comes in many forms, such as one person checking out of conversations when it becomes emotional, or speaking over and for each other in these conversations. Couple’s should strive for engagement and support, but doing it in a way that works for each person individually. I hope this helps.


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I appreciate your question.The answer of what makes a "good marriage" are as varied as there are marriages.Basically, similarity, like mindedness in beliefs and values, makes a good marriage. The best chance of getting along with someone on a longterm basis is when two people see life and the world in similar ways.Even though "opposites attract" this is a short lived dynamic which breaks apart when there aren't enough similarities in common between the partners.


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This answer varies based on you relationship. However, I do believe their are some basic fundamental areas that are beneficial for a healthy marriage:1.) Effective Communication2.) Trust3.) Love/Passion4.) Loyalty. 5.) Unconditional Positive Regard. Everyone has their favorite qualities they feel best fit a marriage. However, these are what I think are great starting points.


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Hi Prattville, I'm sorry this is happening to you. You need support right now, and yes, you need answers. She is in denial and is trying to hide the truth, to protect herself. This is a natural behaviour. You don't indicate whether she wants the marriage, or is planning to leave. Which way you go from here depends in part on the answer to that question. If she wants the marriage, you certainly have the right to say "I need answers to all my questions". Giving you the information she needs has to be (if she wants the marriage) more important than protecting herself. I would support your right to advocate for all the information you need in order to feel secure or make decisions. She may fear that the truth will turn you away. If you want to, you can reassure her that you want the marriage no matter what the truth is. If the marriage is to survive, it needs openness.If, on the other hand, she's planning to end the marriage, then you might want to resign yourself to the fact that you may never get the information you seek. You are better off, in that case, seeking support from friends and family rather than beating on a closed door. Your wife has some decisions to make. Try to give her a bit of time to make them. You can patiently say "I know this thing is happening. Talk to me so we can deal with it together. I want to move forward but I need the truth." Only time (and a good therapist, if she is willing and wants the marriage) will tell which way this one will go. Individually, you can seek professional help as well.


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I found out today that my wife is cheating on me. I love her, but she won’t tell the truth even when I have proof. When I beg her to tell the truth, she yells, cusses, and gets a huge attitude.


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Thanks for your question.  Communication is essential between couples and often times gets neglected in relationships.  Working with your husband to help him become a better listener and consequently, a better communicator is going to take some work from your part.  You have to calmly be able to express to him your concern and how it affects you.  Very important is that you do it in a loving and non-threatening way.  Therefore, the time to have this discussion is not when you are frustrated or need to vent to someone about something important.  Focus the discussion on how both of you could benefit from having more meaningful conversations where both parties are being heard and how it is important to you that he hears you just like it is crucial for him to be heard.  There is a lot of useful information online about how to be a good listener or therapist in your area that can help you.  Be patient and genuine, and he will come around.  Best of Luck, Mirella~


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I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me.    How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?


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Thanks for reaching out. This is a great question. Communication is definitely a 2-way street. One person cannot participate in a discussion. It takes a talker and a listener. Furthermore, communication will breakdown if each party is only focusing on his or her agenda and is not open to what the other person is saying.  since I can't ask you questions about what is going on, I am going to make a guess at one situation that comes up a lot when I work with couples. One person focuses more on solving the issue, than listening to their partner.  This can be frustrating for the partner who wants to just be "heard."I understand that you are working really hard to listen to him and he might not be putting as much effort into listening to you. That can be really frustrating and difficult and I want to acknowledge you for wanting to improve your relationship.One of the best strategies to gettting heard, is actually to BE A GOOD LISTENER to someone else. I know you are probably already a good listener and for you to work on listening skills may seem counterintuitive, right? You want to get heard and now you are the one doing the listening. But this can really create more effective communication if you invest time working on doing some active listening in your relationship because then you get to model those skills for your husband and allow him to see what it feels like to be listened to and then you can even teach him some of those skills. In other words, you practice specific techniques that you can use and then teach later on. Here are some skills for you to use consciously and then you can teach:Pay attention and use your body language to convey that you are in the conversation. No texting or distractions. Lean in. Focus.Listen for content and for emotion. Clarify what you don't understand. Try to understand the person's underlying emotions. Don't rush to judgement or to changing what is going on with the person. Sit in a place where you are really curious and want to understand what is going on. Encourage the other person to continue speaking, Nod and vocalize that you hear what they are saying.Ask questions to get to understand the other person's point of view.I believe when we can model these kinds of listening skills, and the other person feels heard, they will be more likely to listen to us. If you don't find that this doesn't spill over in that way, then have a discussion about what you are practicing and that you are learning these skills to be a better listener so you can understand him better. Then explain how it might be helpful if you both tried it. If there is push back from him, set up a trial period to just try the skill, perhaps for 2 weeks and see if it helps. If communication is really breaking down, then it might be time to work with a counselor who can help with these skills.Best of luck to you!


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It's hard when you feel as if you're the only one that's taking the time to listen to your spouse. But, I would look at this as an opportunity to see if you can become aware of what exactly is happening between you, when you try and talk with your husband. Sometimes, it can be in the way dialogue is approached. I would suggest paying attention to the way you begin dialogue with your husband. See if blame and criticism are present. When blame and criticism are included, bids for connection, can quickly go off track. This can sometimes start off with something like: "why don't you..." "you aren't..." "you don't..." Partners can quickly go into defensive mode if they feel they are being attacked and sometimes starting off like this can feel like an attack.  Also, become aware of the time of day or evening when you approach your husband. Sometimes, this can make a big difference for couples as far as when they can truly be present for one another.  If you find this pattern continues, you might consider seeking professional help through couples therapy. A trained couples therapist can help you both understand more about what's happening between you.


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Does your husband want to listen to you?Find this out by asking him the question!This way you know whether the goal you'd like to reach is even possible.Some partners prefer that one person is the rule maker or the only one who is entitled to talk about themselves.If your husband tells you he wants to listen to you, or even that he does listen to you, then you can explain in detail the way you define "listening", which may be very different than his definition.Basically, no one can directly change someone into being more openminded.What is possible is to tell him your wishes, your willingness to be patient while he develops the habit of listening to you and point out that a relationship is more fulfilling when both partners feel they are receiving from the other one.


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Unfortunately you can't directly change another person's behavior. However, you can give him feedback on how his not listening impacts you. The best way to provide feedback is in 3 parts. The first part is telling him the emotion you are experiencing when he doesn't listen, such as hurt, sad, and unloved. I would stay away from feelings such as frustrated, angry and irritated and use a more vulnerable emotion. The second part is what he does specifically to make you feel that way, be specific! Example: when I get home and tell you about my day and you don't look away from the tv. Be objective as possible when you describe his behavior. And the last part is the most important, tell him what you want him to do, and again be specific! Example: I would rather you turn off the tv, give me eye contact and reassure me about my day. Here is an example with all 3 parts together: I feel hurt when you don't say anything to me when I tell you about my fight with my friend, I want you to hug me and tell me you understand how I feel. Hope that helps!!


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Thanks for writing. There are many different house of things that may be helpful here. I can give you some general ideas, but if some of these things don't get you to where you would like to go, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in couples:Remember that you can only guarantee change in yourself. You can ask him to make changes, but you can't control whether he does or not. You can control your reactions and what you do about your own thoughts, feelings, and actions in the relationship.If you're going to talk about something important or you really want him to listen, first ask whether this is a good time.Try to talk to him without blaming, finger-pointing, or asking him to change (this can be difficult, but it also opens a lot of doors for effective discussions).Be mindful of your packaging. By that, I mean that you may have a very important message that you're trying to get across. If you able to say it in a way that is clear and wrapped in such a way that he can hear what you're actually saying, that is helpful. If you are talking in ways that are angry, or as I sometimes say, wrapped in spikes, that can be difficult to hear and receive. Rather than hearing what you're actually trying to get across, he may just hear the fact that you are angry.If your husband is able to listen to you and/or restate what you are saying and get it right or close to right, let him know what that feels like to you and how important it is.If you're asking questions, try to avoid "why" question and use "what makes, how, when, where, who" instead. Questions starting with "why" can not only be difficult to answer, but can also trigger a lot of emotions that some people are not ready to deal with right away.Also, keep in mind that listening and being able to reflect what you are saying does not imply agreement. This may be something that would be good to discuss with your husband – just because he is hearing what you're saying doesn't mean that he's agreeing with you.Lastly, but importantly, some people really don't know how to listen effectively. There are people who just are not taught to do that until much later in their lives. Sometimes listening to someone can actually be very vulnerability-producing. It may be helpful to ask your husband if he knows what makes him struggle with being able to listen if you notice that he's really struggling.


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Have the two of you ever discussed how you feel?  I know given the nature of your question that's probably not likely, but I'm going to suggest it any way.  He needs to understand that how you feel about this issue equates to not being as happy in the relationship as you could be or he thinks you are.  So start there, that may be more of an attention getter than "you never listen to me" yes I do etc.  Direct opener:  I'm not as happy in this relationship as I think we both deserve.  Pause, and if you won't let me talk about it then it's only going to get worse.  Then explain you don't feel listened to, you try to be a good listener but you don't feel you are getting the same in return.  If he interrupts put your hand up in the sign of a stop, then say please just let me finish.  You are right to raise this subject with him because a good marriage can't exist in a communication vacuum. In fairness to him, he needs to understand the seriousness of your concern and have a chance to do better.  If he refuses,  tell him you want to seek couples counseling then do it, with him or without him.


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One key factor to consider is, are you able to repair after your arguments? It seems from your question that repair is lacking after any disagreement or argument. When couples are able to repair after an argument, they have an opportunity to learn more about each other's needs moving forward. I'm also curious if you're having the same type of arguments over and over? If you're stuck in a particular pattern, and can start recognizing what happens between you when this pattern happens, then you can start to name it. Once you name it, then you can take a break to cool off and come back to each after your nervous system has had a chance to calm down (about 30 minutes). The key here though is to make sure you have a plan in place - when things are good between you - an agreement between you that when you both start to get escalated, you'll name it or have an agreed upon code word to signal you don't want to continue this cycle, and then agree to cool off and come back together at a later time. That way, when this is enacted during an argument, nobody feels abandoned during the cool off time. Rather, both partners know they will return at a time when they can truly hear each other and hear their needs.


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I've only been married three months. Every week, we argue about something, and it seems to be getting worse.


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At the begin g of marriages, we expect to be living on an eternal honeymoon, but the reality can be different.  This is a process of adaptation, even if you had known your better half for a long time, during the first months and years of marriage you go through a process of settling in your new roles and confront new challenges together that as you resolve become new rules and agreements.Yes, you can work this issues by practicing assertive communication, being clear with each other about what is the problem, how you feel about it and how would you like to resolve it.  Learn to close arguments with resolutions, and reminding that you care about each other, that’s why you choose to be together.  Discuss your roles and expectations, this is normally done over a marriage preparation class, is never too late to sit down a talk about what you want and look for in a husband/wife and clarify your roles and rules. Find couples therapist who mediates communication and helps both of to you learn assertive communication skills and conflict resolution. ¿Cómo puedo arreglar mi matrimonio?He estado casado por tan solo tres meses.  Cada semana discutimos sobre algo y parece ponerse cada vez peor.Al inicio del matrimonio, esperamos vivir una eterna luna de miel, pero la realidad es diferente.  Es un proceso de adaptación, sin importar por cuánto tiempo hayas conocido a tu pareja.   Durante estos primeros meses se definen los roles en el matrimonio, también enfrentan nuevos retos juntos que según resuelven se convierten en reglas y acuerdos.Sí, puedes resolver estos problemas practicando comunicación asertiva. Deben aclarar sobre cuál es el problema, como se sienten al respecto y como lo quieren resolver.  Aprendan a resolver las discusiones con decisiones claras y recordando que si les importan uno al otro, y por eso decidieron estar juntos en primer lugar.  Discutan sus roles y expectativas, regularmente esto se hace durante clases de preparación matrimonial, pero nunca es tarde para hablar sobre lo que les gustaría que fuera su matrimonio y lo que esperan de su pareja, así clarifican los roles y reglas que aplicaran a su unión.Encuentren un consejero matrimonial que les ayude a mediar los problemas de comunicación y les ayude a aprender destrezas de comunicación asertiva y resolución de conflictos.


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It sounds like there are issues with communication between you and your husband.  Your perceptions of interactions that you are having don't sound like they match up.  It would probably be helpful for you both to work on communicating using "I" statements (I feel----when you---).  This is a more effective way of communicating your needs than directly criticizing the other person.  If you work on communicating in new, less critical ways you both may learn more about your spouse's feelings and perspective.


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If I tell him I don't like certain things, he does when it pertains to me. He tells me it's not like that. He never has anything to say about me until I tell him something about himself.


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First of all, my heart goes out to you. Infidelity is an extremely challenging obstacle to overcome. There are some things that you should consider. First of all, did he seem truly remorseful? If you felt in his heart that he was truly sorry for what he had done, it will give you a piece of mind that it was a  mistake. Secondly, was he forthcoming with this information? How about with answering your questions after the truth was uncovered? If you found that he was still lying or not forthcoming, the sting is even more painful. He should be able to answer any question you have honestly and without hesitation.Thirdly, has he shown a positive difference after this experience? At this time, he should still be proving his faithfulness to the marriage, you and the children.Keep in mind that experiencing infidelity is a form of grief. It is not a quick process that can easily be overcome. What you are experiencing is 100% normal. My best suggestion would be to see a marriage therapist. Find out what drove your husband to cheat in the first place and decide if this aspect in his life has been resolved. I know its important for you to keep your family together but children can sense anger and frustration, this is not a healthy environment either. If you decide that you can no longer remain in the relationship, a therapist will also be able to help you cope with the separation along with addressing your children's needs.Please know that you are not alone and that unfortunately, many relationships have endured this very thing. It may also be helpful to reach out to people who have experienced similar obstacles. The web is a great resource to find groups whether online or in person to use as a support or sounding board.Best of luck to you and your family!


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Cheating is something unacceptable for me but because we have two daughters I decided not to break up the family. However, now I am struggling to forget and forgive what happened. I feel like I cannot trust him. Without trust, I cannot stay in this relationship. On the other hand, I do not want my children to get hurt. I'm not sure how to move forward?


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To begin, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Like many of the professionals have stated, infidelity is a very difficult obstacle to move forward from. It's not impossible. While forgetting is probably the hardest part, forgiveness is something that can and will happen. There are things you can do to help yourself. The first this is identifying what you feel is best for yourself and your children. That means being honest with how you feel being in this relationship on a daily basis and understanding how it's affecting you. Second, how is your relationship affecting the children. Do you feel that by staying in the relationship that it's affecting your daily interaction with them. If so, that' something to keep in mind. Next, Really looking at the pros and cons of staying in the relationship. A specific breakdown of what benefits come with staying and what are the ramifications. Vice-versa for leaving. Include your partner. I think being honest with him and letting him know what you are thinking is could be a great option. At least you aren't keeping something inside yourself to manage. Rather, you are being transparent to them. Sometimes a couple can come to an agreement that it may be time to end things and other times it may be best to keep moving forward with a serious plan to how to move forward. Regardless, if you can't trust him and that feeling will never go away it's time to address it. Couple therapy can be beneficial as well as a therapist can provide professional counseling to you. Earl Lewiswww.RelationshipsGoneRight.com


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It is completely understandable that you are struggling to forgive and forget this betrayal, and I'd like to echo the sentiment of Danielle Alvarez: infidelity takes time to heal from, so allow yourself to grieve and find the support you need. I'd highly suggest going to couples therapy and addressing all the issues that Danielle raised, especially whether he has expressed genuine remorse and is being completely transparent with you and is taking responsibility for the choice he made, including acknowledging the immense impact it had on you, your relationship, and your ability to trust him. If you have doubts about being able to trust him, he needs to be willing to earn back your trust and do whatever it takes to do so. If he accepts this challenge, then that is a good sign you are on the path toward healing your relationship. Also, please don't ever forget that regardless of what led him to cheat, it was his decision to take that action rather than addressing whatever issues he was having in your relationship. Couples affected by betrayal typically have some underlying issue(s), whether it is a lack of connection or intimacy or another factor, and it is possible to heal and grow even stronger as a couple after betrayal. Because you are grieving, though, allow yourself to acknowledge and accept your feelings of hurt and pain, as they will likely come in waves, but the pain will lessen over time and with supportive therapy, along with the commitment to repair your relationship-from both you and your husband. Also, in regards to your concern about hurting your children, keep in mind that parents model healthy relationship behavior for their children. If your relationship with your husband remains disconnected, untrusting, or bitter, your children will see that and not only feel sad that their parents are both suffering, but also grow up feeling that experiencing such ongoing pain is tolerable or even normal in a relationship. Having parents who learn to handle conflict or heal deep wounds in healthy ways is crucial for children's emotional and psychological development. Whether they see you heal together as a married couple or heal separately as loving but divorced co-parents, they will learn what it is like to expect healthy communication and boundaries in relationships, which I'm sure you want for your children! Take care of yourself, and I wish you much peace and healing. Also, here is a good book I would recommend, along with books by Gottman, as Rebecca Wong suggested:Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy


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Let's just start with acknowledging that trust is huge and betrayal hurts. You're entitled to your feelings; all of them and you need to know that your husband understands you. That said some ways are more effective at rebuilding and repairing relationships that others. I am a big fan of The Gottman Method for couples therapy, especially following infedienity. You can read about this approach in Gottman's books: "The Science of Trust" and "Making Love Last" and/or you can seek a Gottman Certified couples therapist here: https://www.gottman.com/private-therapy/


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Depending on your own sexual history and what you grew up expecting to be "normal" in the bedroom, I can easily imagine that this came as quite a shock to you!  It DOESN'T necessarily mean, however that your husband is: gay, bisexual transgender, or even necessarily a cross-dresser etc. unless he has already told you so. I agree with the other poster who recommended you try and ask him more questions with an open and curious attitude and see if he might be open to explaining more with you. That being said, what we also know from research is that frequently what turns us on isn't always what we identify as.  Lots of people have fantasies or even sexual behaviors they may enjoy from time to time without considering themselves to be a part of any label or subculture. For example, many women are okay with having their hair pulled or bottom spanked during a particular rowdy sexual encounter but certainly don't consider themselves kinky, submissive, or anything else.  It could be that your husband enjoys pretending/ fantasizing that he is something completely different in the bedroom from time to time from what most other see him as outside in the corporate world or in other roles he plays as husband, father, son, friend etc.  Many of my kink clients are drawn to their particular fetish simply because it's the opposite of what their life typically entails (e.g., a high profile CEO who is always responsible for making the decisions enjoys being at "the mercy" of someone else once a week). Each of us has a sexual script - a blueprint if you will of what we like and don't like in the bedroom and also what we have each come to see as being "normal."  It's also an internal guideline for how we each define our role in sexual expression, sexual orientation, sexual behaviors, sexual desires, and how big a part our sexual identity plays in our everyday lives (Gagnon & Simon, 1973).You've been clued into the fact that your husbands greatly differs from yours on the surface level at the moment. ALL of us are sexual beings yet none of us is exactly identical to one another in our sexual definitions and script expectations. It's like our own sex fingerprint. In my role as a couples counselor, I often help partners become aware of their own sexual script and explore where it overlaps their partners and where it may always differ.  If a couple is able to successfully navigate formulating a plan for both to feel validated and sexually satisfied, the relationship thrives. Most counselors would agree that a healthy script includes:Both partners taking ownership for the couple's sexual experiences.Both partners learning to communicate openly and honestly about their feelings.Both partners learning to meet one another's - needs, desires, and wishes while making sure his/her own needs are being met.If "pegging" your husband as it's called is a hard and fast no for you, that will likely need to be respected as it may be too far off your own sexual script.  However, if your husband is for sure absolutely adamant about "needing" to dress in a female fashion and/or be anally penetrated, you may seek professional counseling to help navigate how both of you will come to an agreement about fulfilling these desires in a way that doesn't hurt either one of you or the marriage.My warmest wishes to you both!


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He wants to wear makeup and heels. He even tucks his penis away to resemble a vagina. He wants me to wear a strap on and have anal sex with him. I have tried this for him, but I don’t like it and have told him so. He keeps making comments about it and says he can't live without it.


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It sounds like you may be asking two different questions.With regard to what you said about your husband dressing as a female in your bedroom, I wonder if you would consider asking him more about this. If you choose to do that, I would suggest that you ask him whether a certain time is a good time to have a conversation and asking questions for five minutes or more that are related to you learning more about his experience. This can be difficult to do at times, particularly when you may want to offer your own opinions or become very anxious or of type. Consider thinking of a phrase that may help you to stay calm during the discussion. It may be helpful to think of yourself as asking questions as if you were an investigative reporter and using questions that start with words like "what, how, who, where, when." Questions that start with "why," can be very difficult to answer for some people and can be overwhelming because it often links to answers involving emotions that may or may not be understood. Also try restating what your husband is saying to make sure that you are understanding correctly. If what he is telling you is different than what you have heard or thought of for many years, it may be challenging to follow his meaning initially. Remember that listening to your husband does not imply agreement with what he is saying, just that you are following and looking to understand what he is experiencing. I also recommend sticking to one topic for the conversation, but this could be done with many different topics over time.You could also see if he would be willing to have a discussion where he listens like an investigative reporter to learn more about the experience that you are having.As far as what you mentioned about the sexual experience, maybe if you can discuss what it is that you don't like and/or understand what it is that he does like, you could see if there is some middle ground here. It depends on what you both prefer.These types of conversations can be difficult to have for some couples, at least initially. Having structured conversations, such as the ones I've described briefly above, can feel awkward initially, but the reason it can be helpful is because it can lead to further understanding in a way that decreases the chances of having an argument.Also consider seeing a therapist in your area who specializes in couples to discuss some of these ideas.


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What you are describing is a state of abandonment like no other; a direct lack of respect. The challenge here is: you cannot control another person no matter how hard you try. The only person that you have control of is yourself. So then the question that this reality poses is: What are you willing to change? If you love yourself and know that you have tremendous value, if you can see what you bring to a relationship and that you deserve respect and love and tenderness, then you will get to a point where you will settle for nothing less than that. The change that might be necessary in yourself is to change the way you see yourself, the way you treat yourself and what you accept. Your husband also needs to change and that is something only he can do for himself but reaching out to get help as well. It would be helpful for you both to get help because there is damage on both parts. You have much more power than you realize and talking with someone can help you to hone that power and make a difference in your own life. Sometimes, the difference/change can be walking away from a bad situation or it can simply be changing your attitude and raising the bar. Sometimes our loved ones come with us on the elevation, and sometimes they get left behind.  You must do some deep introspection through therapy to get to the point where you can answer this question for yourself.


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Hello, and thank you for your question. Loving someone who
doesn’t respect or treat you well can be enormously difficult and painful. 
Many people who find themselves in an emotionally hurtful
relationship say that it was wonderful when it first started, but that over
time their partner’s behaviors changed and they became emotionally or
physically abusive. 
I want to say right away that it is not your fault in any
way if someone is abusive to you. It does not mean that you are broken or that there
is something wrong with your character if you have not left the situation.
People stay for many reasons, such as fear, finances, children, pressure from
others, and love. 
Many people have had to leave their abusive partners who
they still love to preserve their own safety and regain the sense of self they
may have lost. It is a very difficult thing to do, even if you know it is the
right thing. 
The person who really needs to take a hard look at
themselves is the person doing the abusing.
It is very common for mental and emotional abuse to wear
away at someone’s self-esteem. This can lead to other problems, like depression
and anxiety. These issues sometimes require professional support to manage,
such as a counselor or perhaps a doctor who may prescribe medication. 
A counselor may be able to help you sort through your fears
and concerns about staying or leaving. To look at things from different angles,
and to help you decide what is best for you. 
You have not said that your husband has been physically abusive
to you, but if that has been the case, then you must consider your physical
safety first. Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time.
Getting help from professionals would be critical, and I would recommend your
local domestic violence program. 
Whatever you decide to do is the right thing for you. I
would encourage you to ask yourself honestly about your reasons for staying and
the barriers that may keep you from going. You do deserve to be happy and
emotionally safe. If you do not feel like you have that safety, then seeking
someone to help you sort through these things is a good plan. 
I wish you well.
Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC


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So many questions comes to mind when I read your words...Do you love yourself?  What do you LOVE about him?  What are you getting from this relationship that is good for you?  What are you lacking in yourself that you allow yourself to be treated this way?....I can go on..If you can answer these questions, maybe you will answer your own question of WHY are you with your husband or even better, WHY you ALLOW your husband to be mean, show no love, disrespect you?  You seem to lack self-worth...seek a professional to help you with this.


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I don't know how long you have been married, but this might be a time to explain to your husband what you wish he could do for you in this moment. It could be that he is showing that he is getting mad at you because he is worried about you and it is just coming out wrong. Maybe he would be open to an honest discussion?


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My father is in the hospital and was diagnosed with leukemia. I have been dealing with that all day. My husband keeps getting mad at me for things that I said.


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It seems that you have been very disconnected from each other which naturally  could contribute to symptoms of saddness and even depression. Obviously something has shifted which you do not understand. Therefore,  perhaps you should consider attending Couples therapy to help work through your concerns and feelings?  It would also be beneficial to assess if in fact any depression or other underlying issue is going on. Communication is so important in any relationship and the manner in which we express ourselves to our partner can either invite curiosity and emotional connection, or shut down connection. IMAGO dialoguing is a helpful tool for couples for communication as it teaches  validating and empathic listening to better heal disconnection.


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My husband took a job out of state for the next year and seems to be a different person. Before, he worked and slept, and on off days, he'd stay home because he didn't want to do anything else. Now he's going out with friends several nights a week while I'm still home working a 50 hours a week job and taking care of two kids by myself. He's suddenly saying he misses me and wants me to be his adored wife, but the whole time, I'm remembering how I've been emotionally starving for the last five years.


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My first concern is you: As you stated, you have been emotionally starving for the past five years.  Please try to find time for you; to clarify your thoughts and feelings by writing, talking to a trusted friend or family member and perhaps seeing a therapist.What's really going on with your husband?  Does he discuss in detail his sudden change? Can the two of you still talk? Do you want the same things?  Before you go to couples counseling, I suggest that you get some support first to feel grounded within yourself and your life.  Make sure you are ready to hear what might come out of counseling.   I wish you the best.


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Houston, It's normal for this kind of thing to be a trigger, so I get why you don't want to sit on it, but to keep refusing keeps the affair alive. Am I to assume that you can't afford a new one? Ideally, she buys you a new couch, but it certainly would be a gesture of love for you to do it too and it will help you both move forward. t will be interesting to see if there's anything else that keeps the problem alive after the couch is long gone.


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I decided to stay and work it out. I just don’t want to sit on the couch. Other than that, I have been getting over the situation. I don't feel it is fair that she expects me to sit on that couch and won’t leave me alone about it. I can move on and continue to love, laugh, and play with my wife. I just don't want to sit on that couch.


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Lacey, I'm SO glad you wrote. Thousands of people are having this same feeling right now. I'm glad you're paying attention to it. When you first meet someone, there are all kinds of sparkly feelings and you both do and say lots of things to cement the attachment and create deep intimacy and connection. Then what happens is because we have that connection established, we instinctively cut back on those loving behaviours because we don't have to work hard to earn their love anymore. That sparkly feeling typically lasts a few years (long enough to procreate and keep the human race going), and then it wears off a bit, and you end up looking at each other thinking "how come I don't feel the same anymore?"Mostly (not always, and I'll get to that in a minute) all that this means is you've stopped doing all those loving things you used to do! It's as though you filled the car with gas, you've run out of gas now, and you're forgetting to put more in!The first clear solution to this feeling is to bring back more of your own loving behaviours that you've cut back on. Act lovingly, and you will likely regain those feelings. Talk to your partner about this. It's okay to say "do you remember we used to do X,Y and Z? Can we do that again? Can I get more of the foot rubs you used to give me?" Ask for what you want (instead of complaining). What are your 'love languages'? What are your partner's? Marriages need to be fed. It's that simple. Many things get in the way...children, jobs, but mostly complacency. Get active with your love!Okay, now, you might read this and think "that's not what's happening". That's a cue to talk to someone, like a therapist, about your feelings. People do grow and change and sometimes relationships don't fit anymore. But these are huge decisions, not to be made lightly. I wish you happiness.


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I'm feeling different towards my husband. I feel I am growing from the relationship. I have been with my husband for six years and married for almost five. I just don't feel that connection anymore. I feel nothing. I don't know why or if I'm just being irrational.


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Try to understand your own ambivalence to having your wish fulfilled.Since you and your wife are in a relationship, the sex she will have with another man will affect emotions in both you and your wife.I suggest you and her prepare emotionally before you both go ahead with the sexual arrangement,By anticipating any jealousy or feeling helpless or out of control, or in control, since it's your wish being fulfilled, all the feelings you and her are able to expect, you'll be more prepared for the actual emotions from the episode, which may also resolve your conflicted feelings about creating the event.There are a lot of unknowns in the situation you're considering.  Having your partner, who will be key in satisfying your sex wish, be active in understanding these unknowns, is a good way of keeping your relationship strong overall.


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I have an overwhelming desire to watch my wife have sex with another man. I talked to her about it, and she said she will do it for me. The idea excites me to no end, but I don’t want to because it disgusts me. How can I stop wanting it, or should I just give into it and do it? I’ve been struggling for years with this. It won’t go away. By the way, I am in my mid 30s and my wife is in her mid 40s.


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While it would be impossible for me to say whether your marriage can be saved it sounds like you are both willing to give it a try and to get professional support. With appropriate professional support for your relationship a lot is possible. I'm not familiar with the resources available in Jackson but I'm sure there are some good local couple therapists and there may be some agencies that specialize in couple counselling and family therapy. So often the challenges that we have in relationships result from rather small habits in relating that lead to greater feelings of distress, loneliness, anger and resentment. I commend your willingness to put effort into creating the strong loving relationship that you want for both of your sakes and of course for your children. The following links provides more information regarding common behaviours that predict staying together or separating and also videos and other resources that can help you get started. Wishing you and your family all the best on your journey of healing and discovery.


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My husband and I have been together since high school. We have been married going on for nearly ten years, and we have three beautiful children. A few weeks ago, my husband decided he need some time apart and moved over to his dad’s for a while. He comes home to see the kids and acts like there is not too much wrong. Can this marriage be saved or is it too late? He said he would go to counseling, so I don't think he has given up.


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I empathize with your feeling "crazy" hearing your husband yell "enough" in response to you wanting to make a point to him.When the immediate situation has calmed down,  have you ever told him that this upsets you?  Is it possible he simply is not aware that you feel upset by how he talks to you?Keep in mind too that what you believe your husband must change, may not agree with his opinion on what he needs to change.A helpful starting place for the two of you to discuss once the immediate situation has calmed down, is what you each feel would have been a reasonable way of handling the situation that just happened.By learning more about how the other person thinks and feels, it will be easier to know what to expect form each other.Even if you disagree about what is best, knowing that there are differences between you may make living with them easier to accept, or at least not be surprised and startled by them.Sending good luck to both of you!


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That phrase makes me crazy. It happens anytime I point out something to my husband that he needs to change, such as looking up from his iPad long enough for me to tell him the grandbaby almost pulled the shelf unit over or explaining to him that I got all the things he needs to bake a pie. Another example is when he opens the front door, the dog runs out if he doesn't pick him up. Over and over again, he lets the dog run out, and I am afraid he will get hit by a car.


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It's hard to say what is okay and what is not okay, as it depends on what you and your husband feel is appropriate in your relationship. If you are feeling like you need to walk on eggshells or that you can't speak your mind and say how you feel, then that sounds like a problem. I would recommend having an open discussion with your husband about communication between the two of you in general. Do this during a time when there is little or no conflict and emotions are not heightened. Let him know how you feel and give him specific ideas of how you would like him to respond instead of saying, "enough." Additionally, try and see his perspective and understand why he shuts you down. Perhaps, he feels like he is being told what to do constantly or that he gets little positive feedback from you. An open dialogue about how to discuss issues going forward will likely help. Seeing a couple's therapist will also greatly assist with teaching better communication skills and seeing if there are underlying issues that need resolution. Best of luck to you guys.


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I'm sorry to hear about the trust issues in your relationship. Trust, as you clearly know, is essential to healthy relationships. Past indiscretions or dishonesty can damage this trust and make it really hard to confidence that these things will not happen again despite reassurances. We tend to be very sensitive to betrayal and risks to our relationship security. Rebuilding trust takes time and effort for both parties. On your end, you may need to provide more reassurance and more concrete evidence that you are trustworthy, gestures of transparency (e.g. - giving him more information about where you are going and who you will be with, letting him know when you get texts or emails from people that might give him pause or trigger insecurities), and more patience and empathy for his fears. On his end, he may need to learn to be with his insecurities and fears and ask for reassurance about your love and commitment in ways that do not lead to criticizing you, attempting to control you, or limiting your freedom. If you are not able to come to agreements about how to put his fears to rest without it negatively impacting your life, I would suggest getting some professional help from a marriage counsellor or couples therapist.


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My husband doesn’t trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not.


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The good news in the way you're feeling is recognizing that your husband's trust of your actions, makes a difference to you.The typical therapy formula for restoring trust between two people after some sort of betrayal, is for the one who has broken the trust, to earn it back.Restoring trust requires both persons to actively involve themselves in this process.The person who tires earning back trust, must know what standards for this, of the one who was betrayed.The person who feels betrayed must willingly be open minded to accepting the efforts of the one who tries earning back their trust.As simple as this formula sounds, the actual process of restoring trust raises a lot of emotion on both sides, therefore causing difficulty in keeping discussions in this area, on track.The best way of success in restoring trust between partners, is utilizing a couples therapist who would be able to guide your conversations back on track, and also open emotions for discussion when relevant to restoring trust.Good luck in establishing new terms with your partner!


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It is incredibly frustrating to not be trusted when you know you are doing nothing wrong. If the lack of trust on your husband's end has to do with something you did in the past, then be patient and give it time. Once trust is broken it takes time and effort to gain it back. Try seeing the situation from your husband's perspective, as often times looking at situations from different angles, gives us new understanding and insight. Remember that you can't change how he feels, but you can help him to regain the trust by asking him what he needs and responding to his needs as best you can. Seeing a couple's counselor is never a bad idea and it would also be beneficial for you and or/your husband to seek out individual therapy. There may be other unknown factors that you are unaware of that are contributing to the trust issues and inability to resolve them. Hope everything works out for you!


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Hi Louisiana,It's normal when trust has been broken in the past for fear and insecurities to come up from time to time. His reactions may not mean that he doesn't trust you, but rather that he gets scared that he's going to be hurt again. You're a bit vague about the past. You don't say whether you cheated or not. If you did, then you might try taking an approach where you a) take responsibility for your past actions, b) show an understanding of and compassion for his pain about that, c) do everything you can to demonstrate trust and show that he is your priority, and d) reassure him when he says he's scared or feeling insecure. I'm suggesting that part of healing is you having tolerance of his emotions and demonstrating that you're so confident you can be faithful that you can handle his moments of fear. This is what he and the marriage need in order to heal from the attachment injury.Part of the issue might be that when he brings it up, he's coming across as angry, accusing or suspicious, rather than scared and insecure. This often happens. A therapist can help both of you understand that fear is behind the anger, and it works best if he shows you his vulnerable emotions rather than the anger (which is also natural, but less helpful in those moments), and then you can more easily recognise the cue for you to reassure him. As much as you want to forget about it, he might need to talk about it sometimes, and that's normal. His needs are important. Also important, however, is your need for respect. If he approaches it in a disrespectful way, that's a separate problem. If it's brought up as a weapon, used to shut you down, or used to control or punish, those are unhealthy ways of dealing with past hurts. You can both offer compassion to him and use your sense of boundaries to protect yourself from being flogged with the past.A qualified therapist can help you sort through this trick territory. Best of luck.


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This sounds really difficult and I can understand your motivation to get to bottom of why this behaviour has occurred - especially if your husband (who sounds like he is an ex-husband?) continues to have a relationship with you and your children. With that being said - relationships and mental health are very complicated and you are unlikely to find the answers you are looking for. In order for someone to be diagnosed with a mental illness or in order for them to identify what leads them to fall into particular patterns in relationship - they would need to be willing to seek help and honestly talk about their challenges, something that you say your ex is not willing to do.  While it might be a relief to understand what is going on with him - it might be more comforting for you to get support for yourself in processing your feelings and everything that has come up for you as a result of his choices.


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My husband and I would've been married for five years come June 2016. Our infant daughter just had her birthday. Shortly before, he told me he wanted a divorce. He has four other children, three of which are from his first wife. He decided to end that marriage when his youngest was an infant. The children do not have a good relationship with him now. He has another child from a woman he was dating. He decided he didn't want to be with her anymore when the child was an infant.    It seems to me that there is a pattern. He easily detaches from relationships at the same time in the child's life but wants a relationship with them when they are older. I've tried to research online, but I'm not getting any answers. He also has an unhealthy dependency on alcohol and does not believe in mental health disorders such as depression and bi-polar disorder. He also does not believe in therapy or seeking help from professionals. Is there a detachment disorder or some form of mental block he could have? Where do you recommend researching this?


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How has your husband acted since then? Was he regretful? How did you find out? Did he confess? These are all things that you want to consider. Betrayal is very hard to get over so if it's taking you awhile to get over, know that this is normal.Hopefully you're husband has been very regretful and upfront and honest with you since this happened. It may take awhile to reestablish your trust with him and he should understand this. It's also very important to discuss WHY he cheated. You want to make sure that the reasoning behind this was not something that could arise again in the future. And if it can, there needs to be an action plan in place (i.e. being honest with how he's feeling) so that you both get a chance to rectify the situation.If the cheating has happened more than once, you may want to reevaluate your reasoning for staying in the marriage. It would be obvious that he did not truly regret what he had done or else he wouldn't repeat the same mistake. However, if it was a single event and he has shown you and continuously shows you that he genuinely loves you and is sorry for his mistake, I would give it a try. People do make mistakes and sometimes it takes an event like this to realize what you have.Know that it takes time and that you have the right to feel what you feel. If the relationship was a good, healthy relationship, it is worth saving. Ease back into it and be upfront with your feelings. In return, your husband should be patient and understanding of this. Also, marriage counselors are often a good go-to as they have a great deal of experience working with marriages in similar situations. Best of luck to you!


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My husband cheated on me and it hurt me very bad. It was a time when my health was poor. I'm have a hard time moving on.


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It's hard to let go of the dreams you had regarding your wedding and engagement. This was something that you and most women think about for years, so it's understandable to be disappointed. But please be aware that it is rare that any wedding is perfect. You may envy your friends' weddings but more than likely they had a few mishaps of their own and/or it wasn't as perfect as they had planned it either. However, like you know, the marriage is the most important thing. How many women are envious that you are in a happy, stable relationship? I assure you that there are plenty. Try to live in the present considering that dwelling on the past can still not change how you were proposed to or how your wedding day transpired. Focus on what you can control NOW. Perhaps, you can plan an extravagant renewal of your vows or change the look of your ring?I would also be upfront with your husband and explain why you've been short lately. But after that, close that chapter and move on. It sounds like you have a wonderful companion and you certainly don't want to lose this due to a situation that is impossible to change.


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I have been with my husband for almost 7 years. We got engaged a little after 5 years of being together. I had always been clear that I wanted to get married and I sadly would drop hints about how i wanted him to propose.  When he did propose it was during a random vacation that I had planned. I was happy but I couldn't help feeling disappointed too. I had told him numerous times before that I wanted him to do it in front of my friends and family. I know it sounds dumb to be upset but I couldn't help how I was feeling. We are now married but the wedding and ring were also far from what I wanted and it wasn't due to lack of funds. I know this is all material and the marriage is the most important thing but I cant help but get jealous and envious every time I see someone get a proposal or wedding that I had wanted. I cant help my anger because I know we only get one proposal and one wedding. What I wanted will never happen. I have been working on my feelings for the past year and half to get over it. I try to focus on our marriage but every time I see someone have the best proposals and weddings I get upset. I know it is selfish and I know its petty but I just can't control it. It's ruining our relationship because I constantly think about it. Plus, I get mad at him for small things because I am trying to hide the fact that I am so disappointed.  Why can't I move on?


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There is an organization dedicated to helping individuals find affordable counseling.  It is called Open Path Collective.  There is a one time membership fee of $49 and it lasts for your lifetime.  You then have access to local counselors/therapists who will see you for an extremely reduced rate, anywhere from $30 - $60.   https://openpathcollective.org/


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There are plenty of online providers within the mental health field that would me more than happy to speak with you immediately.  Many of them provide treatment on a sliding scale fee.  I would google online mental health treatment providers and that should lead you to a list of providers that can help you.


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Depending on your area and location, there may be therapists who provide services on a sliding scale. Additionally, churches will often times offer counseling for free or for a small fee. I suggest doing a simple Google search and contact therapists in your area. It never hurts to ask for a reduced fee and even if he or she is unable to provide the service, they may be able to refer you to someone who can.


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Eating disorders usually result from a sense of insecurity about who the person is, whether they are good enough compared with anyone else, and whether the way they person lives is effective.If you have a style you're already happy with to reflect on these sorts of topics, keep following your own logic with the aim to free yourself, which usually takes place gradually, from these sort of self-doubts.The other approach would be to find an unperson or an online discussion group where you'd be able to offer and receive the support from other people who live with a similar problem.Good luck in your studies!


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I've been bulimic for about 6 years now. I'm in my early 20s. I am about to start back to school to become an RN, and I really need to get better once and for all.    I lose control of myself and become angry and anxious and just eat and purge. Over and over. Can someone please point me in the right direction for help?


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Hello,This question describes a very typical setup of what is called the  Binge, Repent, Repeat cycle. This means that typically after you binge, you experience emotions as you described "shame and disappointment" and then because of these emotions you "repent" (i.e. vow to never binge again, promise to "do better," go to the gym, etc.) and then ultimately end up bingeing again. There are many coping mechanisms for binge eating and one of the best is actually attempting to NORMALIZE eating. Meaning you need to attempt to eat normally, eating appropriately portioned meals 3 times a day, with snacks in between. IF you binge, then it may be helpful to remind yourself that when you attempt to compensate for your bingeing behaviors, and you end up feeling restricted from over exercising or undereating, then this actually leads to a binge again. Thus, reverting you back to the cycle. If you binge, it will be helpful to try and get back on a normal schedule of eating instead of trying to compensate for the binge. Although it may feel counterproductive, getting back on a normal eating schedule will prevent you from entering into the restrictive cycle. It can also be helpful to remind yourself that the binge has already occurred, it is in the past and the goal is to move forward without focusing on the past. Focus on what you can do differently next time. What emotions or situations led up to the binge? What can you to do prevent or change the circumstances that led to the binge, or the way that you handled the situation? Lastly, if you're struggling with "normalizing" eating, it can be helpful to work with a professional that can provide counseling and coaching to help you learn how to eating normally, mindfully and without feeling the guilt and other harmful emotions sometimes associated with disordered eating. I would be more than happy to assist you if you ever have any questions or want to reach out to somebody. You can contact me via my website: http://www.maddenwellnessky.com/


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I have a problem with binge eating, especially during times of stress. I binge eat and feel so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment that I end up going to the gym and trying to exercise the calories off. I am in my late 20s, and I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager. Are there any coping mechanisms I can use to break this cycle?


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In dealing with an eating disorder you are far from alone.  It is more common than you might think and tied to so many variables that it is easy for an individual to become overwhelmed in trying to navigate the influences of such variables.  I have been working with individuals dealing with such challenges since 1998 and have found over the years that behavioral analysis is highly effective in helping you begin to isolate, understand and then be able to address many of these variable impacting your behavioral and cognitive choices.  Consider finding someone trained in Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT).  There is a large body of evidence supporting the use of this approach to alleviating many of the aspects you identified in your post as well of a wide variety of tools that you can choose from and utilize that are able to practiced and assimilated into your daily tool box of coping mechanisms that end up becoming new behaviors and ways of thinking about issues that become automatic, the best possible outcome you can hope for if you want the solution to be sustainable.


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The fact that you are aware of the issue and what causes it is a step in the right direction.  You can absolutely break the cycle but it takes a lot of effort.  Much like growing a physical muscle, developing coping mechanisms must be practiced (exercised) in order to gain strength.  Find healthy activities that you like to do that can help you deal with stress.  It appears that you are already going to the gym which is awesome; you want this to be a healthy experience not one done out of guilt.  Is it possible for you to incorporate food items that are healthy for you? Remember any changes you make must be practiced and developed over time.  You should seek professional help to assist you with getting to the root cause of your emotional connection to food. Normally these issues date back to childhood experiences however this is a generalization and I have little information to go on.  Above all else BE KIND TO YOURSELF! Shame is counterproductive. If you want something to grow you give it love and attention. Well wishes!!!!!!


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I believe that for results that last, the best approach is to understand why someone feels like doing a certain behavior."Coping mechanisms" are superficial instruction that people usually give up on when feeling extreme pressure from the problem behaviors.Take the slower road of understanding why you would deprive yourself of enjoying food.Also, if you consider the binging as a mistake of some kind, reflect on why doing something less than ideal, deserves harsh criticism and not tolerance and acceptance that people mess up occasionally.I'm glad you know that there are better ways of treating yourself.  This is a valuable awareness of realizing you deserve patience and respect, not humiliation and severe criticism when you are lost as to best ways of self-care.


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Hello! I'm so glad you decided to write in today. This is such a great question and I'm sure many others will relate to exactly what you're describing. There are a few different ways we can look at in understanding your concern. First, I think it's important to understand food is just food. Food is meant to nourish our bodies, provide us with energy and yes, sometimes reserved for special occasions and celebrations. But in many cultures, we place a LOT of emphasis on food. We have food at every gathering and every celebration. What's more people have come to almost EXPECT food to be present at any and every get-together. And if it's not? Well, then forget about it! I see this time and time again with my clients. Donuts appear in the office, and it's almost like donuts have never been there before! Must eat one (or two)! However, we need to remind ourselves that this occurrence, or similar ones, will not be the last time we can enjoy this particular food. It is likely the office donuts have happened before, and they will be there again on another day. During these moments, I like to have my clients employ a Stop-and-Think method. Stop-and-Think about your goals before you eat. Is this donut getting you where you want to be? Also, I have my clients ask themselves how special is this donut? If the donut really is a special donut (from the best bakery in town and you've never been there before) then now might be a time to have the donut. But if not, it would be wise to pass and wait until that "special" donut. Another aspect we need to remember about food, is to think about what we're getting from overindulging or overeating. Are you trying to drown out other emotions? Are you trying to feel better and the food gives you that feeling for a brief moment? What ELSE is going on? This can be determined by utilizing what we describe as a Thought Record. A Thought Record involves tracking and identifying thoughts and feelings associated with food triggers. By targeting the emotions, we can then determine where they're coming from, as well as how to decipher them. A therapist can also help you with understanding your emotions related to food and will be helpful in assisting you with the Thought Record.The most important thing to remember is that "food addiction" can be a real problem for a lot of people. If food is taking over your life and you are preoccupied and overwhelmed with knowing where to start, please seek out help. Binge eating is the most common eating disorder and impacts the lives of thousands. There are lots of free resources and information on my website at www.maddenwellnessky.com. In addition, I offer individual coaching and counseling through my website and I would love to help!- Amber


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I have no self control over food. Most people stop when they've had enough, but I keep eating for the pleasure of it. Especially with sweets - I'm never done eating dessert.


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I would recommend removing yourself from the environment you are in after you have finished eating. A simple walk around the block, calling up a friend and going to visit, or even going to another room in the house can help. If you find that you truly have no self control over food, I recommend attending Overeaters Anonymous; a 12 step group for those with compulsive issues related to food. I hope this helps.


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Since you've decided to be with the boy who already showed you his interest, then why not simply tell him you decided to accept his invitation to be together?Probably your first concern about hesitating to accept this boy into your life due to the way you imagine your family may react if you do, is the more complex matter to solve.Forming a relationship does bring up our values and the way these are different or similar to our own.    At the same time, we already have values which are rooted in those from the family in which we grew up.Your dilemma of wanting to be with this boy shows there is a clash between your values as an individual, including your choice of partner, and the way your family understands the values which support being part of a couple.Stay true to what you feel, whether this comes from your family or the way you currently are evolving.This will guarantee that your new relationship will be built on the values and person you truly are.


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There's this boy who asked me out awhile ago. I said no because my friends and family would think weirdly of me. How do I be with him and tell him and tell my friends?


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Maybe the reason is not having confidence in the love you give to yourself.Possibly you consider the quality of your self-love as inferior to love someone else gives you.The best way to push through to your own self-comfort and acceptance is to be aware of this tendency so you can remind yourself to practice appreciating the unique love you give to yourself.


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I have suffered many things at home and school. We never went to the doctor to diagnose depression or anything like that, but I always feel like a part of my heart is missing. I try to fill it in with objects or, in this case, a woman.


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There could be many reasons but often people feel validated when they are in a relationship, the need to be in a relationship can be related to a belief of unlovability which often stems from our childhood. The relationship sort of soothes this temporarily and the others interest or desire helps counteract the ingrained belief. There are many questions that may help understand why, how was your relationship with your mother (caregivers)?  How was your childhood etc.? Many people describe having a hole or void they try and fill with material things or people but it only is a temporary fix which usually drives the person to the next relationship, or object in hopes it will be fulfilling but it never is because fulfillment is work we need to do ourselves. This journey involves finding acceptance and love for ourselves. Once we have that we don't need to look elsewhere for fulfillment.


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There are a lot of ways to look at this. It sounds as if there is a part of you that is looking for support. I wonder what it is that you feel when you're not in a relationship?Because of the way you asked the question, I'm getting the impression that you are referring to romantic relationships. I wonder if you have close friendships that could form a network to help with this when you are not romantically involved with someone. Even when you are in a relationship with a romantic partner, having friends is still an important element.I wonder if you could also notice what changes for you inside of yourself (as far as emotions) when you move from not being in a relationship to being in one.Perhaps you could take a look at what you value about yourself.In general, it is natural for people to want to be in relationships with others (in this case, relationship has many meanings and degrees). Most of us enjoy sharing elements of our days, thoughts, feelings, etc. with someone else who we trust and care about – also hoping they care about us in return.


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It is not the case of being right or wrong, in my view. If you are asking, I believe you truly care for your boyfriend. It seems like he is having difficulties in establishing trust in this relationship. The ideal would be to come closer to his upsetness and to show him that you are there for him. I hope all goes well. Rossana Mag.


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I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.
   I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?


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The most important thing to ask yourself here is, "how did this action affect my relationship, and is it worth the consequences?" Regardless of your intentions in this action, your boyfriend is uncomfortable with this type of behavior. From here, we can objectively decide if spending time with your previous partner (because that is likely what your boyfriend sees them as) is worth harming the relationship you currently have. It is very rare that a person would be comfortable with their partner spending more than a very little amount of time with their exes. Many times, it just gives the wrong impressions. It is very possible that your partner may believe that since you spend so much time with them, that they are still a contender for the most intimate relationship you have to offer, and truth be told, they kind of are. The best intimate relationships, are friendships first and foremost. It is also a good thing to consider what you are getting out of the relationship with your ex that you are not getting out of the relationship with your current boyfriend. If you go to this person for emotional support before your boyfriend, then it is very likely you're involved in some "emotional infidelity". When we turn to others instead of our partner, it is as if we "ran into another person's arms" instead of theirs. No matter who you are, that hurts.


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Depends on your definition of "wrong" on this one. Was it objectively wrong to spend the weekend with a good friend, who also happens to be an ex? Probably not. But, it upset your current boyfriend, and he is entitled to his feelings if you are in a relationship with him. He may be out of line if he assumes that anything happened between you and your ex that would compromise the relationship, however your boyfriend being upset might also mean that he wanted to spend that kind of weekend with you and did not get to do that.Long story short, it might help your relationship to understand more, and be curious, not judge-y, around what is upsetting for him. Perhaps having empathy for his experience of the behavior could help him to feel more secure with you having relationships with your ex(es).


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While you can't be responsible for your boyfriend's feelings, relationships do come with expectations.  Both people in a relationship bring their own expectations into it.  These expectations are usually unspoken, but result in conflict as you are experiencing here!  Your boyfriend expects you not to spend the weekend with this guy.  He may expect you not to spend the weekend with any guy at all.  He may expect you to spend every single weekend with him!  You'll have to decide if his expectations are ones you can live with.  Relationships do require some compromise out of concern for our partner, but you get to choose how much you compromise. We get upset about things that make us feel insecure.  You spending the weekend with an ex makes your boyfriend feel insecure.  That doesn't mean you did anything wrong.  It just means that you have to decide if it's more important for you to maintain your freedom to spend weekends with whomever you wish, or to help your boyfriend feel secure in your relationship. Good luck!  Hope that helps,Allison


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Hello. There are a number of factors playing into this situation. A former romantic partner coming back onto the scene during a current relationship; you spending alone time (and spending the night) with that former partner; and the uneasy feelings experienced by your current partner (boyfriend). Now those are the ones you have openly expressed. There are very likely other issues that prompted this behavior on your part. You ask if you were wrong. It is not a question I will be able to answer, because it is not one I am meant to answer. It is up to you to find that truth. Now, if you are feeling guilty, was it because of some sexual engagement occurred when you spent the night? If so, you might want to look at why that happened. Do you feel secure in your current relationship? Is this the relationship you want, or do you want to be with the former boyfriend?Important questions, but ones you need to ask and answer. Odds are, there is something that triggered this event to occur and it becomes a focal point in discovering any unexplored discomfort or other issues with your current boyfriend. Seeking relationship counseling can be effective in sorting this out, so be open to that possibility to help you clarify your thoughts and feelings.Best of luck to you.


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Ideally you and your boyfriend will reach a balance point where you and your boyfriend are each happy with the level of involvement you have with your former boyfriend.Start w a discussion with your current boyfriend as to what specifically he doesn't like about your friendship with your former boyfriend.It is possible that you can answer his concerns as well he can find out from you more as to what the friendship is all about.As a therapist, I've never seen a former romantic relationship become only a friendship.   As sincere as you may be in your intention to only keep the friendship with the former relationship partner, if  your former boyfriend secretly has romantic feelings for you, then at best, you've got an unclear friendship with this person.The obvious possibility is to socialize together with your current boyfriend and your former one. If neither guy would go for this, then this would show there is an undercurrent of competition for your romantic attention.Basically make your romantic partner's feelings and your own, the major considerations and discuss from this perspective.


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This can be a very complicated situation. The boundaries of relationship include the rules to follow in the relationship. It is important to follow the rules of your relationship  in regards to each person being able to spend time with exes. If you and your boyfriend agree upon a rule about spending time with exes, then there should be no problem.


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Thank you for submitting this question. I think this type of situation can be common for many couples struggling with how to keep friendships with past relationships while being in a new relationship. For me, more information is needed here...but given the information provided, the way I interpret the question is...I'm assuming your boyfriend didn't know you were going to spend the weekend with your good friend?  Working off of this assumption, I would suggest beginning an open and honest dialogue with your boyfriend about what specifically upset him? And to talk about your point of view regarding spending the weekend with him. I would also suggest talking about how you both envision your relationship when it comes to spending time with others. If you feel like you can't have this conversation without it going off track, please consider seeing a couples therapist. They can help you begin these important conversations that can help shape and develop the relationship you and your boyfriend long for.


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That is a difficult situation and there is no right or wrong. You both need to discuss it and come up with a solution that works for the both of you. You want to spend time with your friend but your boyfriend  may feel betrayed by you spending quality time with another man you have been intimate with. There may be a way for you both to get your needs met. Maybe you only spend short periods of time with your friend, not a whole weekend. Or you check in with your boyfriend  periodically when you see your friend. It really depends on the two of you. If it becomes too difficult, you may need a neutral party to help you establish appropriate boundaries around this issue. Good luck!


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It's completely understandable that you would have male friends and that you would want to spend time with them.  When you cross over from friends to a relationship, it does change things.  Some people are very easy going and wouldn't feel threatened by what you did  Others would be upset.  If your boyfriend is upset by you spending time with this male friend, then you need to talk about it.  Each of you needs to express your feelings about the situation and listen to the other with patience and respect.  Then you can make a decision on what is best for you and your relationship.  Maybe he wouldn't be upset if you saw this friend while you were with your boyfriend.  Or maybe your boyfriend would feel better if he got to know this person better and could trust him.  Most likely you can come up with a situation that will make both of you comfortable going forward.  You didn't do anything "wrong" because it doesn't sound like you intended to hurt your boyfriend.  But if you really care about your boyfriend, then you probably care about making him upset.  Instead of looking at this issue as a problem, try to look at it as an opportunity to connect.  If you can both listen to each other and understand each other, your relationship can become even closer.


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Two paths are possible.You're not overreacting and instead are genuinely sensing that something feels unsettled within your girlfriend.You are overreacting because you have difficulty accepting how safe and loving your relationship is with this person.The only way to find out is to start conversations with your girlfriend on how you feel.This will allow new light to open an answer as to the truth.Once you know what truly is going on between the two of you, your self-trust naturally will grow stronger. Self-trust will give you an accurate read of what and whom you are able to safely trust.


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I've been with my partner for 4 years. She's given me no reason not to trust her. But lately I've been overreacting a lot when she's just doing normal things. I think it's triggering my bad past relationships.
   How can I get rid of these insecurities and be more trusting with her?


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Remember that all relationships center around 3 simple values: HonestyTrustand Respect......in that order, too...If you are unable to trust, then you are fundamentally dishonest about something in yourself;Moreover, whatever you do not honestly experience, you do not honestly express out to another;To be honest with oneself is where most people fall down... and, when you do fall down, pick yourself up... and get back on the horse :)


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What's most important is that you recognize that what you've been doing is off base - that what you've been feeling is "overreacting," that you have "insecurities," and you suspect your actions and reactions are connected to your own past and not to the current situation or to your partner. That's an excellent first step because without recognizing these things about yourself, it's unlikely that you would change.That said, you sound as if you are really ready to start some therapy to work on your own personal growth... not because there is something "wrong" with you, but because you're ready to learn more about yourself and make some creative changes in your behavior. Yes, there are lots of self-help books and courses, but we humans often make the most progress when we have support in  real-time from another human being who can sit with us, point out our blind spots, and teach us some skills that are hard to learn on our own.


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I can only imagine how hard that must have been to hear. On one hand, most of us would say we want our partners to always be honest with us, but on the other disclosures like this can lead to feelings of worry and inadequacy if we're not careful. So let me first of all say that it is very normal for human beings, even very committed and happy partners to have moments where they notice an attraction for someone else. Quite honestly, the brain can't help it. It sees something good looking and it pays attention. And when we pay attention to something good, our brains send out neurochemicals associated with that happy thought...and we get a rush of what your girlfriend is labeling "a crush." The difficulty here is deciphering whether she was just attempting to honor her commitment to you by sharing this feeling OR if she is continuing to feed those feelings. I would encourage you to thank her for being honest if you haven't already, and ask her to further describe the nature of these feelings and what she'd like to do from here. As weird as it is to say, at the end of the day, what helps the most is typically reassuring yourself that you WILL be okay not matter what! That it is worth it to invest in your relationship and give it your all and if someday, god forbid, this woman chooses to walk away, then she is not the one. Will it hurt? Of course. But is it the end? Hell no! There are 7.5 billion people on the planet and I firmly believe statistically speaking alone, there are at least several hundred thousand that could be AMAZING partners for you. Cheering you on,Tamara Powell, LMHCP.S. You might enjoy this excellent book by Esther Perel for further inquiry into the fascinating world of love and mating behaviors: "Mating in Captivity”


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I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it’s “just a crush” but I don't know how to cope with it.    How should I deal with this?


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Hi! It sounds like you are stuck in a difficult place. You do not want to appear to jealous and yet, it's hard not to be, when you hear about "the crush". It's only natural to feel a little insecure and you're doing a great job by asking how to cope better. First of all, long-distance relationships are very hard. Is this situation likely to continue for a long period of time? The old adage that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" simply isn't true. It requires a lot of work to keep the fire burning. Are you, guys, talking to each other a lot? Visiting each other relatively often? Making common plans for those visits or your future together? Do you manage to have fun together, despite the distance (e.g., laugh on the phone, have "shared" experiences such as watching a movie simultaneously at your different locations, perhaps having phone sex)? All of the above are good ways to ensure that your bond stays strong and there will be less space left for interest in other people. Based on the fact that  your girlfriend told you about the crush t I would guess that she thinks it's innocent enough - nothing too threatening. Try to talk to her about your feelings and brainstorm together ways you can increase your intimacy, which will likely improve your sense of security in the relationship but also help her get over the crush. Good luck! Zofia


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Long distance relationships are very difficult to maintain, not just for the lack of communication, but also because of the lack of intimacy that comes along with it. Even if you have spectacular communication while in a long-distance relationship, it is difficult to maintain intimacy because you are lacking in the physical contact aspect of intimacy. Here, we are not talking about sex, but about the emotional connection that happens along with physical contact. It is also hard to have shared experiences when the two of you are in separate places. These are the challenges that you face, but there are some ways to improve your odds. The first thing to remember here is that dating is all about finding a person that you want to eventually dedicate your time, resources, and self to. If either of you finds that the relationship is one that you are not necessarily committed to, it is better to find out and have the opportunity to date others before a commitment is made. The second thing to remember is that open communication is a good sign in a relationship. That being said, I do not believe that sharing details about your "crushes" is the best thing for a relationship. Instead, I would recommend working on improving the relationship as best you can. It is a wonderful thing when we can feel that we have given our best efforts on something, especially something as important as the act of loving. Here are a couple things that you can do to improve even a long-distance relationship. Start by downloading the Gottman Card Decks App here https://www.gottman.com/couples/apps/. While on the phone or video chat, try asking each other some of these questions so that you can build a deeper knowledge of one another. Some may seem silly, but they help you know the other person more intimately. It is also helpful to make sure that you are having regular communication with each other. Some situations make it very difficult to communicate, but if at all possible, daily communication via phone or video chat would be best. Even if it is just for 30 minutes a day, really dedicate your time and attention to each other during those calls. Next, it can be helpful to know each other's love languages so you can show each other how much you really care. Take the assessment for the 5 Love Languages and talk about the results together. You can find the assessment here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/Attraction to other people is completely normal and involves biological processes. Intimacy, on the other hand, creates real connection and dedication to each other. Learn about each other, spend time together, and you will create intimacy.


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Thanks for writing in. Several things come to mind:I don't know how you are communicating, but there is a great deal of difference between communicating through videoconferencing compared to text message when discussing subjects like this. Being able to hear and/or see each other will help you to be able to gauge a lot of the emotions connected to what is going on.Are you in a place where you can ask your girlfriend questions about this crush and actually listen to her answers? If you can listen non-defensively and ask questions about what is actually going on (kind of like an investigative reporter might), you are likely to hear about her experience, thoughts, feelings, etc., so you can actually see what the crush is like for her and how you want to react to that.Then you could see if she is willing to listen to your questions and answer them for you.Another tip: Find out when is a good time to have this conversation. If you are talking to your girlfriend after she just worked a 10 hour shift and she is frustrated about that, it is likely that the emotion will transfer to the conversation that you are having even though it doesn't have anything to do with that.Find a way to keep yourself grounded and centered during the conversation. Notice your feet on the floor or your hips in the chair. Mindfully play with an object or something like a paperclip or a pen. Doing this mindfully (by being aware of your senses) will help you to not feel so overwhelmed during the conversation.After you have more details, communicate about what it is that you want or wish for. It is often easier to hear and discuss as opposed to talking about something that you need.Remember that while anger is a very real emotion, there is always something else under it. Be aware of what else could be there: hurt, disappointment, betrayal, fear, etc.


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Often, communication is the key within relationships. When faced with our significant other telling us about a “crush”, it can create or highlight feelings or thoughts that can promote feelings of insecurity. Talk to your partner about their crush and use the conversation to strengthen your bond.


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No one can tell you how to deal with your own relationship, even a therapist. But, you should absolutely give your girlfriend the respect of believing both of those statements she gives you: development of feelings and it being a "crush." If that makes you feel a certain way (mistrustful? no difference in feelings) then that is what is most important to understand. When you understand exactly how YOU feel about hearing this news, then we can know how you should deal with this.You have every right to be in the relationship or to leave the relationship. But if trust is broken, first and foremost it needs repairing. What that repair looks like varies (but can often involve couples therapy, which may be complicated because of the long-distance nature of the relationship.) Otherwise, staying in a relationship that has become mistrustful for you, and not prioritizing the repair, is a recipe for disaster.


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Long distance relationships have the addition strain of being far away.  It sounds like you and your girlfriend overcame the initial challenges considering that you’ve been together for over a year and she was honest in telling you about her crush.  These are some clear strengths in your relationship.  Now moving forward, continuing to have honest conversations about your relationship will help ensure you two are on the same page.  Explore with her how this crush came about and what her feelings are about this relationship.  Be prepared for the answers and express your feelings as well.  You’ve invested over a year in this relationship, it may be worth figuring out how to mend it.  Ignoring this issue will potentially lead to other issues.


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Did your girlfriend tell you her reason to tell you about the new person?Your feelings of insecurity is natural because you don't know where the crush fits into her life.Since any long-lasting relationship in which both people thrive, means each partner freely speaks their mind and will be listened and responded, then your current situation is a good one to start these foundations of talking with one another.Tell your girlfriend whatever is on your mind regarding her crush.   As your trusted partner, theoretically she would like to know all about how you feel.Keep the expectation that talking about anything at all, is the best sign of closeness.Once you learn more about this crush you can decide what, if anything to do differently in your relationship.


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Those words must have been extremely difficult to hear or read. It sounds like you are both having difficulty with the distance, and I can only imagine that you have both been coping with this distance as well as you can. There are a few scenarios that I think would have pretty radically different paths for your own mental health, and I would like to explore them separately. The first scenario is that she has this crush, but still chooses you and wishes to stay with you. Keeping the value of her choice in mind, and the bravery she has shown in admitting this crush, handling her gently in that vulnerable place will pay off. You may find it worthwhile to explain your feelings about it, to share how it is hurting you to know of this, and what she means to you. Explaining those feelings will help you to not act out in your with emotions to cover up by becoming angry or withdrawing. Acting in this way will help assure her of her choice in you, and sharing these emotions and feeling supported by her may help you cope with this.The other scenario is that she has a crush on this man and she is wanting to leave the relationship with you to have one with this other person. As before, it would be useful for you to share your feelings with someone. It can be difficult to process through these emotions, as they are intense and often overwhelming. In this scenario, it may be too difficult to share these feelings with your girlfriend, but it is still important that you acknowledge this loss and allow the associated emotions to have its place. Grieving the end of this relationship could be a great source of personal growth.I hope this has been of some help.


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If I understand you correctly, this "maybe-boyfriend" has done a partial break up, and wants to maintain a partial relationship.  Is that ok with you?  And, if it is, what does it cost you?  He says he's "done" but still wants the connection.  That seems to leave him free to explore other options, but it doesn't allow you to do the same.  Break ups are painful, and I know you'd like to avoid that.  I get it that you feel attached to him - you have been in a relationship with him for 4 years, so that makes sense.  However, loving him appears to be costing you a lot, without much in return. If you wait for him to define what he wants, you could be on hold for a long time.Please don't wait another year to advocate for yourself.  See a therapist who can help you figure out what you need out of relationships and why you have allowed yourself to be on "pause".   It is possible that once you get clear, you will be able to have a true relationship with him.  If not, please don't settle for this.  Take good care of yourself.


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I've been with a man for four years. For the last year, he has said he is done, but he still talks, texts, visits, and has not moved on with anyone else. His words do not match his actions. I love this man, but it's hurting so much.


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That does sound very confusing...and hurtful.  You do not have to tolerate someone treating you in a way that hurts you.  It may be helpful to decide where the boundaries are for you and to stay true to them in your interactions with him.  You teach other people how they are allowed to treat you.


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Have you brought up the topic as to the way you're feeling?The best way for someone to understand us or to understand someone, is to directly talk about  the specific problem.To start the discussion w your partner, understand your own reasons for continuing the relationship.Given his stated disinterest in the relationship, your mood is probably affected by this.Once you are clear on how the range of your feelings, especially any fears on being alone, suggesting you may be staying w this guy simply to avoid such fears, then you'll be ready w your self-knowledge, to start a conversation w your partner about your relationship.


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This can be difficult and confusing.If you think your boyfriend would be open to having a discussion, try asking him for a time when he is willing to have an important discussion. When that time matches with a time that is good for you, try discussing the type of relationship that you each want to have and what you can start and stop doing to get there. He may want to be really good friends. He may also be trying to figure out what he is feeling. If you end up talking over one another, try letting one person be the one who is talking about their feelings for about five minutes and during that time, try having the other person asked questions to gain more understanding of their experience. Then you can switch. Also consider asking questions that cannot be answered with yes or no, but lead to more explanations.Questions that start with the words how, what, when, who are usually better than questions starting with "why" because they can be emotional triggers for some people.If this is difficult to do between the two of you, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in couples.


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What an important question, and the fact that you're asking it is a big step in the right direction. To answer in detail would require having quite a bit more information about what "relationship problems" have occurred  that woke you up to the fact that you're not listening as well as you could and that you're running the risk of losing her.Given that I don't have all that information, I'll offer one simple suggestion. Your girlfriend is the expert on what she needs and wants in relationship. You could simply say to her that you know you still have a lot to learn about how to have a good relationship and you realize you're not yet understanding what she needs and you really want to. Then take a deep breath, settle down, and listen. Don't argue, don't interrupt, don't judge... listen. Let her know what you understand and that you're open to hearing more, learning more if you're not quite getting it yet... and then listen some more. Be present and curious about this person you love dearly and don't want to lose. This is the first step toward intimacy.


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I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?


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Hello, and thank you for your question. First, I want to say that it is great that you are are willing to admit that you share some responsibility in some of the relationship problems you are having. This isn't always easy to do, but it sure is important if you want to see improvement. It does sound cliche, but communication really is the bedrock of relationships. And not just intimate partner relationships, but really any relationship that is significant to us. It sounds like you are saying that you have a difficult time really listening to what your partner is telling you and then responding in a way that is helpful. I want to tell you that you are not alone. Good communication skills are not really something you are born with, we actually have to learn them. The good news is that there is great information available to help you do that. Ultimately, some people must seek professional help through couple's counseling in order to get help with this process. This is because some of the hurt and anger could be at such a level already that you may need help setting boundaries, creating a plan, learning new skills, and staying on track. If that is not something you can afford or can do right now, here are a few suggestions that may help. Personally, I am big fan of Dr. John Gottman. He is an expert in relationships and wrote a really great, easy-to-read book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Gottman discusses the kind of communication that healthy couples seem to have, which can be helpful and worth trying. You can buy Dr. Gottman's book on Amazon for under $9. It's a good deal. There are a variety of websites that have good information that may help you build your communication. Here is one that I found that has a few good tips. http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/effective-communication.htm You can try them and see if they are helpful. ***It is important to remember that like all new skills, communication requires practice and we surely fail several times before we start getting good at it. If you were ever a pitcher in baseball, then you know you have to throw thousands of pitches before you really start hitting your strike zone consistently. Allow yourself to make mistakes, own them, and start again. I hope these suggestions help, and good luck.Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC


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Thanks for your question. Becoming a good listener is an essential piece in being a better communicator. Being an effective communicator will almost always improve the quality of your relationships. What stands in your way of listening to her? Do you find yourself becoming defensive when she brings up issues? Do you often find yourself thinking of what you want to say next? Do you take her words personally, preventing you from having the ability to problem solve?Here are some tips that may help you with being a better listener:1. Concentrate on what you are hearing, not on what you will say next.2. Ask questions if you need clarification or don't understand.3. Summarize what you're hearing after every couple of minutes to make sure that you're not missing anything.4. Ask your partner what she needs from you. Is she expecting advice or does she simply need to vent?5. Keep eye contact and avoid using non-verbal cues that demonstrate defensiveness or irritation such as eye rolling or crossing your arms.6. Remember that it's okay to disagree and, if this is the case, then decide as a team, how you want to move forward.I hope this helps. Good luck to you!


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The best tool for becoming a better listener that I know of is called Imago Dialogue. It consists of 3 steps:1. Mirroring what she says (without judging, commenting, refuting, defending, arguing, or scoffing--just listening, no matter the content) and repeating it back, word-for-word. Continue to ask if she has more to add until she doesn't.2. Validating. You tell her you you understanding why she feels this way. (If you don't understand, then find a way.) You can also say, "That makes sense" or "I hear you" or "I get that."3. Empathizing. Tell her how you think she must feel about what she's telling you. Your job is to try and feel what it feels like to be her.This is a very different way of communicating than we're used to. My guess is that the arguments, discussions, and debates you've had with her have been counterproductive because you're both trying to win. With Imago Dialogue, you both win. She gets to be heard and you get to hear for a change.At the end of the exercise, switch roles. For more info: http://imagorelationships.org/pub/about-imago-therapy/imago-dialogue-101/


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I love that you are so thoughtful and proactive about this!  If only every client came in as solution focused as you, my job would be so much easier. I would second Robin's suggestion of reading ANYTHING by Gottmann. He's fantastic. Other favorites of mine are:“Getting Together and Staying Together: Solving the Mystery of Marriage” by Dr. William & Carleen Glasser“Eight Lessons for a Happier Marriage” by Dr. William & Carleen Glasser“Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson“Divorce Busting: A Step-By-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again” by Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W.“The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman“The Flight from Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-Dependency – the Other Side of Co-Dependency” by Drs. Janae & Barry WeinholdI'll also add to Miriam's assertion that your partner is the expert on her. You can help things along by becoming a better expert on you as well. What is it that you are craving and likely trying to get your need met in potentially unhelpful ways from your girlfriend or in ways she doesn't understand or vibe with?  If you can better explain your own needs while trying to understand hers, you all have a recipe for great success! When both partners seek to serve one another and stay curious about each other in the process, intimacy abounds!Best of luck my friend! And if you get stuck, of course seeking help from a professional is always a great idea too. ;)


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The first step for making this sort of change is being motivated to change and it sounds like you have that, so you are already on the right track.As far as learning how to listen, try some of these steps:Ask whether a certain time is a good time for your girlfriend to have an important conversationIf she has a subject that she would like to discuss, consider listening to her as an investigative reporter and asking questions that help you to gain more understanding of her experience. These questions usually begin with words like who, what, where, when. Questions starting with the word why can sometimes make people very uncomfortable because they may not explicitly know why they are asking for something or feeling a certain way. You can try communicating this way for just five minutes or so on until you feel as though you can restate what your girlfriend is saying and have her agree that you are recapturing the essence of what she is trying to communicateThen you can switch so she is listening to you trying to understand your experience. You could also start by talking about something that is important to you.Remember that stating that you follow or hear something that she is saying doesn't mean that you agreeAlso, try sticking to one subject at a time. It's difficult to really understand one topic if you are on to the next within just a minute or twoTry to use the word want or wish instead of need. Saying that you need something (or if your girlfriend would say that) that is not a need for safety or something like that can make whatever you are asking for sound like an obligation. That takes away from that whole motivation to change from inside the partner who is agreeing to change or try to changeSomething else to try would be using some sort of timeout. Consider this:Discuss the idea of using timeout before you actually need it and before the discussion starts. Timeout is a way to give each of you a way to calm down for five, 10, 15 minutes, or maybe even an hour. When there are a lot of emotions happening, each person gets wrapped up in protecting themselves from the emotions they are feeling and can lose track of what is actually going on in the conversation as compared to what they are perceiving.When using timeout, say to your girlfriend (or she can say to you) "I need an hour before we can go back to this." Then actually come back to the discussion.Some people are very afraid to use this technique because in the past not talking about something right away meant that it never was returned to and was never resolved in any way. This is why the agreement is important before you need it.While it may be helpful to ask your girlfriend what it is she may want from you, it is you that would be in charge of deciding whether you want to make that change and putting it into practice.Try to remember that part of being in a couple is holding onto your own wants, wishes, and desires while recognizing those of your partner.As one final idea, consider spending about 15 minutes a week together where you are not problem-solving about anything, just connecting with one another.I encourage you to see a therapist who specializes in couples if you would like some more specific ideas for what is happening within each of you and between you.Best wishes!


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Let go of your ego, the ego tends to get in the way of things, be a man and listen, do not react so uch to life around you. life is not out to get you, just listen and work on how your reactive to people and sitations around you. C


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I'm glad to read about your willingness to develop new ways to invest yourself with your partner.The easier way to fix a relationship is when both people are helped to recognize the ways the couple dynamic falls short of what each person would like.Couples therapy is exactly this.Still, relationships can change if one person changes since changing one part of a system will change the system itself.Besides starting to work with a therapist on what you can do differently, reflect within yourself on the situations when problems arise between the two of you.See if you can figure out what you wanted and what you partner wanted in that particular moment. Was one of you trying to help the other and the person felt insulted by the suggestion of needing help?This is only an example of how intentions are misread or not welcome by one partner from the other.Also keep in mind there is a limit to everyone's flexibility.Reflecting and self-awareness are the first step.The second step is to know when you've reached the end of possibilities to change yourself and not be accepted for who you are.This raises the question of whether the two of you are far apart in similarities in order to be happy together.Good luck in enjoying the changes you will try to make!


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Hard to say a whole lot without knowing more. However, if you focus your attention on her, what she's saying, what she's feeling instead of trying to make yourself heard and understood first, that's often a good step. Also, work on building win-win agreements with her, and follow through on them. Those are the areas I see men fall short on most often. Hope that helps!


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Both options seem reasonable.  Seeking individual therapy will help you to cope with the mood changes that come with bipolar disorder, will give you a space to vent your negative thoughts, and will allow you to find the coping mechanism to address life and relational challenges.  IF your boyfriend is interested in attending couples therapy with you, it will assist in identifying the problems in the relationship that pushed him to the breakup and will give both of you the tools to communicate and resolve conflicts.I am a Licensed Professional Counselor in Texas, currently providing individual, couples, and family therapy services in West Houston.  You may reach me at 787-466-5478 to schedule an appointment.    ¿Debería buscar ayuda yo sola o junto con mi novio?Mi novio me dejo recientemente por ser mal hablada.  El piensa que soy una p***a.  Yo sé que soy bipolar y que puedo ser egoísta.  El me llamo hoy para decirme que no puede continuar separado.  Yo estaba destruida y no quería que nos dejáramos desde el inicio, pero se lo horrible que puedo ser a veces y que no lo puedo evitar.  Es como si estuviera en guerra conmigo misma.  ¿Qué piensas?Ambas opciones son razonables.   Buscar terapia individual te ayudara a manejar los cambios de estado de ánimo que son partes del desorden bipolar, también te dará espacio para ventilar los pensamientos negativos y encontrar herramientas para enfrentar problemas relacionales y de la vida diaria.   SI tu novio está interesado, también pueden asistir a terapia de pareja para poder identificar las razones de la separación, y obtener las herramientas apropiadas para  comunicarse apropiadamente y resolver conflictos. 
Soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Texas y Puerto Rico, veo clientes en el este de Houston y proveo servicios de tele terapia.  Para una cita puedes llamar al 787-466-5478.


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Recently my boyfriend broke up with me because of my bad language. But he thinks I'm a total b***h. I know I'm bipolar and can be selfish. He called me today and says he can't go through with the breakup. I was broken and didn't want a breakup to begin with, but I know I'm horrible at times and can't help it. It's like I'm battling myself. What do you feel?


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Well, as disappointed as you may very well feel from hearing this guy's answer, you know he doesn't want a relationship.What type of move would you like him to make?If you mean you'd be happy to have sex with this guy and not a relationship, then wait for as long as your patience allows.To wait for him to change his mind that he does want a relationship, doesn't have a very strong base on which to stand.Its possible to do this only consider the emotional price of your frustration to wait for someone to change their mind.


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I told him I liked him. He called me lovely and pretty but he said he didn’t want a relationship. He would always flirt with me.


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Attraction is important but sometimes over-rated. I'm curious about your comment that you are not as attracted as you "should be" - What is your measuring stick is for what you are supposed to feel in terms of attraction in a relationship? Do you want to be sexually intimate? Do you enjoy having sex with him? Are you satisfied with your sexual relationship when you are with him? The fact that there is lust for other more attractive men does not necessarily mean anything. There will always be attractive men and more attractive men than your partner and these attractive men will be even more appealing when you are in a long-distance relationship far from the arms of your partner. Loving someone does not mean that you stop being a sexual being who no longer notices and desires attractive men. Attraction results from a number of factors beyond appearance - including the degree to which you feel emotionally open, safe, and connected and how in tune you are with each other's bodies. It sounds like you think very highly of this man "everything else is perfect about him". Maybe it is worth spending some more time together in the same place if that is possible before deciding on marriage or that you are not truly in love.


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I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the "perfect guy"? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love?


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The basic guideline for relationship satisfaction, is to know what you can and cannot live with and without.  And, since you are considering marriage, for how long do you imagine yourself being satisfied living with and without certain qualities of your partner.There is a hard wired dynamic between two people that defines the basic structure of the relationship.While life is filled with surprises and can change in an instant, the basic way in which the partners of a couple, connect.Do you understand why you are not attracted to your partner?   Whatever the reason, now is a good time to state this about yourself.  He may be quite willing and interested in developing new ways of sexually stimulating you.  Maybe he is just as shy about talking about this topic as you are.  On some level he must know that he doesn't satisfy you.  He may be relieved to hear you bring up the topic!As always, remember that if discussing a relationship matter feel hard to start, consider utilizing therapy services with a professional, credentialed and licensed therapist.


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Hi Montgomery, Your first sentence says it all. He might be an amazing person, but there's something missing for you. I'm curious...you say this is a long distance relationship. Did you make a connection through social media or email first? Maybe a dating website? I'm just wondering if this is the case. These modern ways of meeting people are awesome because we can be exposed to a wide variety of people who we never would meet in the grocery store or a friend's party. There are complications, though, and one of the drawbacks is you can feel very connected to someone and care about them a great deal before you ever meet them in person. Then, when you finally meet them and there isn't that spark of magnetic physical attraction, you're in a bit of a difficult spot because you've already established that you're drawn to each other in other ways; you're already connected. It can be very awkward then to say "Now that I meet you, it doesn't feel the way it should for me". In the future, I suggest meeting up in person early on, to answer that crucial question "Are we physically attracted to each other?". Clearly, this is not only important for you, but it is for most of us.My guess is that you feel you owe this man your affection and commitment even though you're not really all that into him (lusting after other men is a sign of that), because you like absolutely everything else about him. But honesty is crucial here, both with yourself and this man. Just because you don't find yourself attracted to him doesn't mean that you're a bad person, or that he's not attractive. Someone else might drool over him and I think he deserves someone who does just that. You can have both love and lust. For most people, only one of them isn't enough.


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One way to make good use of the situation you describe is to prepare and rehearse within yourself the way you'd handle a similar situation in the future.Since a lot of time has gone by since you and this girl saw each other on a regular basis, right now you've got no idea if you'd feel the same way about her today as you did a few years ago.The relationship does point out the priorities and values you hold for a potential partner.  That you liked the friendliness you shared is good for you to recognize.  This way you realize you like friendship as a relationship property.  To have lots of similar interests, is another quality you appreciate in a partner.The more you know about what you do and don't like in a partner, the greater your chance to notice these qualities in someone new who comes along your path.


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I met this girl in high school. She had switched schools at the end of the year, and I have not seen her since. It's been a few years. We had a very good and friendly relationship, and we seemed to have a lot in common. I never gained the courage to ask her out.


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My empathy goes out to you. Relationships are tough enough and i'm sure your partner being distant has been upsetting for you. You are confused and want to mend the relationship with him, but are finding it so hard to do. Relationships require both people to work consistently in order to keep them happier, but if it is only you that is actively trying to repair the relationship, it can be emotionally draining. Perhaps expressing you feel using I, you statements can be beneficial. Do not accuse him or use "you" statements like "you are so distant"  or "you don't even care".Start out sharing your feelings by saying "I feel sad when you don't return my phone calls" or "I feel confused about our relationship ever since you have been keeping to yourself". He may have a valid point, or might have been hurt by the argument and retreated as a result of it. Regardless of why, use this time as a great opportunity to practice healthy communication. If you think you are not ready for a conversation like that, couples counseling can be excellent. You will have a skilled facilitator guide the conversation and help you both communicate with one another.


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My boyfriend is in recovery from drug addiction. We recently got into a fight and he has become very distant. I don't know what to do to fix the relationship.


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I'm sorry you have tension between you and your bf.A relationship means two people who relate, right?!   If only one person does all the work to change their approach, what they expect, what they offer the other, then this becomes the new problem to solve.If you've already done a significant amount of reflection and change in the way you relate to him, then the next step may be to be patient as long as possible while he decides what to change about his part in the relationship toward you.Substance abuse recovery requires profound effort and reflection.  If it is successful then the result will show very different qualities in your bf than the ones you know currently.He may be so absorbed in the recovery that he can only concentrate on this.   Of course if the fights persist and you have been patient for what feels too long, then there are different questions to address.


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I would first suggest you sitting down with him and voicing your concerns about how distant he has been, or more importantly you have felt that he is.  This will give clarification to the situation as we need to remember that everyone's perception can be different. Remember that relationships take work and take communication.


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Yes, of course there's a reason!There's always a reason for most dynamics!Depending on the nature and qualities of what changed as a result of your new self realizations, you may be more deeply affected by your new awareness than how you imagined these would go.Since you already are on the best road possible for yourself, since this resulted from your own introspection, keep trusting your own self work as to what develops and at what pace your relationship attraction qualities grow.


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I was never single, afraid to be alone, and I looked for my boyfriend to make me happy. I finally worked on my self, was in a relationship, and I did everything a healthy girlfriend does and it didn't work out. Now months later, no man peaks my interest. Am I ready to date again? Is there a reason no one sparks my interest?


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Do the two of you ever talk over why he does this or your reaction to it?Are you asking your question because his behavior upsets you or only out of curiosity to understand him better?Basically, first know your own reason for your question.   Then go ahead and tell him if what he does bothers you.  In the best of cases, he doesn't realize how his actions affect you and he will change.


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My boyfriend is always saying he's done with me and says he's leaving, but then at the end of the night, he's still here. He wakes up in the morning, acts like nothing happen, and repeats this every night.


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Probably being sad to lose the relationship would be a good next move for you.When a relationship ends the daily life structure changes significantly.  A break up means adjusting to differences in everyday life, not only that the person is no longer connected with us.Since your boyfriend isn't talking to you then you're keeping yourself sadder than necessary to not accept his actions.  There's nothing you or anyone else can do change the fact that when someone decides to stop talking, this person is the only one who's in charge to start talking.Maybe since you've had several breakups w this person that you require more time to pass before you're willing to accept that his changed interest in the relationship is permanent.Be patient with your uncertainty as to whether he will or will not resume the relationship.  Once enough time passes so that you're considerably past the point at which you and he come together, then accepting his leave-taking will feel natural.Right now its very understandable to have hope since you've been on this road before.  In time you'll have your answer as to whether your future is with him or not.


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I was with my boyfriend for years on and off. We dated and broke up three times. Since we broke up five months ago I can't move on. I want to get back together but he won't talk to me. What should I do?


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Do you and the brother to whom you feel attracted, ever see each other or are in surroundings in which the sister/your friend, isn't?If yes, then this gives you the chance to find out whether you and the brother actually do like each other.If no, then definitely have a private and direct conversation with your friend about the fact you're attracted to the brother.Find out the reason your friend becomes angry to hear you like the brother.Anything is possible from, she'd like to warn you about qualities in her brother which you may not know and if you did, wouldn't like or react negatively.Or, if protection isn't your friend's reason, then maybe she's fearful to lose your friendship if you start a relationship with the brother.Friends are people who care about each others' lives.  Let your friendship with this girl work on behalf of each of you!


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I really like this guy and I think he likes me back, but his sister is my bestfriend. I'm afraid that if I tell her I have a crush on her brother she would loose it. I once told her I thought her brother was cute and she got really angry. I've gotten to know her brother better lately and I've realized he may actually feel the same way. I don't want to lose her friendship. What do I do?


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A key factor in a relationship is trust.I'd start by understanding more about why you feel unable to trust your bf.Does this have something to do with a bad encounter you had from previous relationships, or with a sibling or parent?Its also possible you're intuitively sensing you can't trust your bf bc he's not trustworthy.  Sometimes people sense the basic safety items in a relationship before they emerge.Also, your bf may have similarly suffered broken trust and he gives off a feeling of not welcoming your trust.Its possible you're feeling his own self-protection about being in a relationship with you.The best way to open these topics is to actually talk about them together with him.Whatever the underlying tensions are, talking about them always adds positive feeling and confidence to a relationship.


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I feel like I took our relationship for granted and he's now to the point that he's giving up.
   I have had trouble feeling like I could trust him but he's given me no reason not to trust him. I know my attitude is also a big issue for him. I have a lot of obligations at home so we don't spend a lot of time together.    How can I fix this relationship?


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Well, have you told him similar descriptions of your feelings as you just wrote here?This will give him the same understanding you're allowing us to have here on this site.Keep in mind that the best, the amount and the number of times you tell your boyfriend some information about you, still means that whether or not he is willing to accept and rely on your information, is in his hands only.Try to feel satisfied with your own effort to explain yourself.   Another path to open is to ask your boyfriend his reason to feel insecure about your love for him.  This may open a wider discussion about what he feels he'd like from you so he feels good in the relationship.


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Whenever I sing along with a song that I like (even if it's just for the beat and not the lyrics), my boyfriend assumes that the words of the song mean something negative about our realationship.    I don't why he gets so mad and assumes I mean something negative from every song. Now I can't enjoy and sing a song without him thinking I'm trying to give him a hint. He even accuses me of cheating and lying. It's driving me nuts. I love him and would never do such an awful thing ever. How can I get him to understand?


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There's online forums and blogs, some of which have interactive discussion groups.Also, depending on exactly  what you mean by becoming "emotional", feeling overwhelmed by feelings typically happens when people feel a lot of stress and pressure in their lives.   Loneliness contributes to feeling overwhelmed too.Your feelings may be perfectly normal.Similarly, depending on what you mean "take it out on" people, you may be expecting too much of yourself.If you're expecting other people to listen to your upset feelings, this is reasonable.If you're harming them as a a result of your upset feelings, this is unreasonable.Depending on what exactly you are doing when you "take it out", you may be quite reasonable to do so.


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I have a lot of child custody concerns, financial issues, insecurities and weigh gain. I also have no local family support. It's hard for me to stay positive. I get very emotional and take it out on the people I love. How can I stay strong?


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Maybe your finance's hair preference for you reflects he still is in love w the ex.There are other many reasonable options too.Maybe he doesn't know a lot about hair styles, or didn't want to even think through the question carefully and also didn't want to tell you this directly.He may have tried to take the easy way out of involving himself in your question.The key whether or not he loves you is how you feel most of the time in your relationship.   If most of the time you trust the sense you are loved and you love him, then this gives you some reassurance about how the both of you feel toward each other.It is possible too that your finance has some remaining feelings for the ex.   Whether or not this makes any difference to you depends on how stable and reliable you feel is the love between the two of you.


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I was talking to my fiance about changing my hair. He recommended a very specific hair style. Then I found out his ex has that exact same hair. I feel like he must know she has that hair style. Am I nuts, or does this show that he's still in love with her?


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Well, if you each want to be with the other, than no one will be lost.Have you told her about feeling slighted?  Start telling her about your feelings.  How she responds to you will tell you a lot about where her heart is and maybe too some of the reasons she has been so involved w the friend.Who knows, maybe the friend has problems of her own and your gf is spending extra time w the friend to help the friend, and doesn't even know you feel hurt.You would do yourself and your gf a lot of good to tell more about your feelings.  Either you will get more closeness and consideration, or not.  At least you will have the truth.


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My girlfriend recently started hanging out a lot more with one of her friends who did her wrong in the past and just walked out on her. So for the past 3 years its been just me and my girlfriend. Things have been great up until the last month. Now she ignores me and texts and hangs oit with her friend more and more.
   I dont know what to do anymore. My girlfriend is so distant. How do I keep from losing her?


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"Practice makes perfect"!Simply by expressing yourself and listening to if others listen and understand you, then modifying your next try with whatever improvements you think of based on the impressions you feel others have of you, will progress your self-expression.Also, one way to lessen the tension before speaking to someone is to tell them you feel unsure on how best to express yourself.  This way you've prepared them to be patient with whatever words you do state.


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I don't know how to tell someone how I feel about them. How can I get better at expressing how I feel?


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Let's just start with being real. Expressing
yourself is vulnerable, and being vulnerable is hard. It takes courage and work
to be vulnerable. My guess is that you have been shown in your lifetime that
being vulnerable (ie, expressing yourself) is unsafe. My assumption would be
you have been criticized, or ignored when you have expressed yourself in the
past, it has taught your emotional self to simply not do it again. This is a normal
protective mechanism that you have used to cope with past feelings of hurt. It
will take time and work to engage again in an emotional way.I would start my practicing and
identifying how you feel to yourself. Check in with yourself multiple times a
day to gage where you are at emotionally. After you feel you have a good grasp
on this, start to engage in emotional conversations with others. Choose others that
feel safe to you, a good friend that knows you well, or a sibling or family
member. Expressing yourself is a behavior that you have suppressed out of
protection, so you can choose to engage in safe emotional expression behaviors
just the same. Best of luck!


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From what you write you've got good motivation to change and awareness as to what you'd like to change. These are very good predictors that you'll be successful in what you'd like to change.Try, the next time you realize you're depending on your bf instead of friends, yourself, to interrupt whatever typical action you'd take.Do something different instead!If when you'd like advice and usually ask your bf, ask a different trusted someone.Or, when you feel lonely, contact a friend or introspect on your own if usually you'd contact your bf.Also, being dependent on a bf is part of a trusting intimate relationship.   Dependency in the sense that you each are reliably available to each other, is a good quality.Only if it seems excessive, such as you're isolating yourself from other close friendships, is dependency on a partner, a problem.


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My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. I've been really sad lately and for the past few months I've realized I'm just way too dependent on him. It makes me really upset to be so dependent on someone else, but I can't help it. I don't even know who I am without him.
   How can I be less dependent on my him?


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Recognizing that you're too dependent on your boyfriend can be a wakeup call and an excellent opportunity to work on your own personal growth and independence.  It sounds like it's time to explore and develop your own interests and engage in some activities that excite and challenge you.  If you have time, it could be useful to begin a new activity or class, cultivate friendships outside of your relationship with your boyfriend, and begin to reflect and meditate on ways to enhance your own personal fulfillment.


